And just like that we are back in the box. I realized a long time ago that very little people stick around to get to know me, most people prefer talking to other people over me. Because of the human condition, you cannot complain about it. You absolutely cannot. You can't bother people, you can't ask why they don't prefer you because it comes across as clingy. So you just rot. You rot until you absolutely fade away. I have one friend that I talk to most of the time, he's younger than me and he's like a little brother to me. I value him more than he understands because everyone else treats me like garbage. I'm never important to anyone that I know. So what happens? You all get recycled. Red doesn't enjoy people around me, I always say it's for no reason but I think he's starting to get that most people don't care about me. I think that, because Lutz is here, I'm starting to get their point. I don't think anyone really cares about me, I think I act as a service for most people. I think people only like what I can do for them. A jester of sorts, I think Red noticed this long ago and instead of understanding that he is half of me and that I can understand - he sat and told me nothing. Let's keep ranting like a crazy person, shall we? At their cores, I am understanding what they are better than anyone else can. They are protecting me through an algorithm of sorts. Red is not inherently bad, and I don't say this in a sweet tone. I'm pissed, I'm absolutely angry because if they were separate from me, they would treat me better than most. Let's dissect everything.
At the core of everything, I mostly say I relate to Dave. Trauma wise, yes. My father used to beat me if I got things wrong, If I asked too many questions to him and most of all if I wanted him to leave me alone. I remember getting chased down the street when I was younger by him because I attempted to go home. My mother had custody of me when I was younger because my father was unfit. That's all you get to know. That's all you should want to know. Mentally though, I'm a little too serious to be Dave. No. He is written in a way that utterly betrays his trauma. Mentally, I'm Dirk. And I don't mean the interests, I don't care much for robotics and crafting the blah blah blah. I'm incredibly mentally ill from years of my family treating me like a punching bag. I was a good kid, I was just curious about things and look what it's gotten me. No genuine friends, no genuine happiness. And I'm still alive mainly due to the idea that we don't know what comes after all this. But really? I've tried to keep friends. The people I often most wanted to speak to in life, never wanted to be friends with me and then the few friends I had always disappointed me. Always made me uncomfortable. This gets me called controlling, despite my discomfort it would really only cause me to detach. Not try and change them. When people do something wrong to me, I become avoidant. I instantly think "Let's leave." I'm instantly told, "Leave." So many old friends who have done some sort of action and not listened to me trying to help them out of a bad situation have been left behind because of this. My ex said that I MUST be a robot, unfeeling and uncaring. The fact of me leaving was because I cared too much. I never try to control their actions, and I know that that's not a good thing to want to do. So I never want to do it. But I always turn to look at the door. You've made me uncomfortable, so I'm heading out now. Who knows if you'll ever see me again. Does that make me happy? No. But oftentimes, being left alone by your specifically female friends so they can pursue some guy who treats them like garbage will set you off when you watched your father be terrible to your mother. So yes, I was disappointed and left them behind. That's different from what Dirk would do, he'd be painfully loyal and get walked on a bit because he cares. I care so I leave. Is that far to the people who claim to have cared about me? No. Does it matter now? Maybe. I don't like leaving people behind anymore. It's not healthy but often it feels like people want to be left. It feels like I'm an accessory. I hate caring for others, not in the way that I don't do it but I wish I didn't care. I wish I was different in that way where I was unfeeling and I could leave everything behind. But no one cares, I'm just the guy in the background for a lot of people. I want a lot of things to change. I want to change me, but all I can do is pretend or let one of them take over. They are the best parts of me.
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Answering some asks about the dad Murase lives AU under the cut because you are forcing me to think about what I've created (❤)
@inkingkitsune
Murase had to know about N's less-than-savoury work. He was hired as a security guard (thanks to his brother) for a military facility for which he was told to kill any trespassers on sight. And his brother had been legally dead for a decade! But the main difference between the two brothers is that while N will still do horrors in the name of his job, Murase has spent his life after the war trying to help people to atone for what he had to do to survive. I think having to face concrete proof of what his brother did/does, especially without the immediate pressure of war and survival to "justify" his actions, to a kid he's grown somewhat attached to? That would be really hard on him.
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Frankly I had never heard of that theory before, and after considering it, I can't agree with it. The government has expressed barely any interest in Chuuya, N seems to have acted on his own. The PM has so many ability users, and abilities are so unknown to the general public, with or without Chuuya, it was an important move to make, and there was no normal legal way of getting it.
As for Oda... I fear he's going to suffer the same fate. In another post I did wonder if Mori would try to be more careful with Dazai, since we know he was very careful to nurture Chuuya's loyalty and bond to the mafia. But after thinking about it, while Mori felt bitter after Dark Era (please read the light novel), he says he would still do it because the permit was so important to get. Chuuya going away here wasn't his fault, so I see no reason he wouldn't do things especially differently. Maybe he'd feel even more bitter though.
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If Oda dies the same way... it's a fun question. Dazai would leave, Dazai would still refuse to work for the government, so his options are limited. I can't imagine Chuuya leaving at 16, join the ADA, and the mafia not knowing a thing about it? So what would Dazai do? Chuuya left and joined a group and now that group is his only option in Yokohama. If he wants to join them, he'll still have to wait two years for his records to be erased and hidden. And he knows Chuuya is gonna be there, and he knows him!! How frustrating and stressful is that wait going to be?
I'd like Chuuya to be gone when Dazai first joins, so Entrance Exam can still take place in a similar way. Maybe he accompanied Ranpo on his contract out of town? I do wonder if he'd confront Dazai publicly or in private... I'm still not sure how much he told the ADA about his own origins.
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I've decided that Chuuya leaves after the Dragon Head Conflict (after loosing a second set of friends in the same year), because this time, he has someone waiting for him to offer him an out. And this is interesting from a skk point of view. At that point, Dazai has already met both Oda and Ango, and technically, Double Black has made a name of themselves. Chuuya would be leaving at the creation/peak of Double Black, barely giving it enough time to get their name. But all that we know (so far) of what they were up to as teenagers has happened already! And Dazai has met Oda and Ango, he has a support system now! They'll be fine. Well, as fine as their canon counterparts anyway.
This is also funny because their "history" is less than two years of absolute hell, then a 5/6-year gap, and suddenly they're coworkers again.
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Honestly I don't know if Murase would have an opportunity to see it or its repercussions? I doubt he saw Chuuya directly after Verlaine (you know, mafia and all that), and I think Chuuya would be the one to seek him out after the DHC. I truly think you could count the amount of times Corruption was maybe used by Double Black in canon back then on one hand, and in this AU, it's literally only twice. Unless Asagiri planned for another big event and hasn't told us yet, I don't think Chuuya has had to use Corruption again in this AU until Lovecraft.
MAYBE someone would notify Chuuya's dad guardian that his son charge was badly injured, but with Yosano in the room, I doubt it would make it back to him. Same thing with Dead Apple. Murase lives in a blessed world where he knows Chuuya's powerful, but doesn't know the extent of it.
Have a lil' doodle for making it all the way down here! (it's Chuuya's first week or something)
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For terrible comic day I made something about me learning to drive, so I thought I'd do another to document my Worst Blunder Yet. Would not have been so bad had it not been for the Sir.
[ID: A four panel comic done with black lines on a flat white background. Panel 1 shows a car from behind, going into a parking spot and going over a right-side curb in the process. The occupants say "Ack!" and "Oops!" The curb is pointed out and there is a caption stating "The blunder." Panel 2 shows the two occupants, the passenger giving mostly illegible instructions while the driver looks out the passenger-side window at a man and his dog standing nearby. Panel 3 shows the man and his dog. They are labeled as, "Laughing at me" and "Little white dog" with arrows. Panel four shows the occupants in the car again, the passenger still giving instructions in the foreground while the driver sits with a stressed expression in the background. She has a speech bubble with just "A." in it. End ID.]
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