#I'm not overly happy with it but I like it
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I've noticed the other day how life is fundamentally different when living out of abuse. I had an experience of waking up in the morning, sleepily tapping over to the kitchen in my pajamas, wondering what to make for breakfast, and making a plan for the day. Completely careless and unselfconscious, thinking only about the food and what I wanted to do with my day. It hit me then how impossible every aspect of this would be, had I still been living in the abuse.
If I was still around abusers, my first thought in the morning would not be 'oh I'm so sleepy I'm gonna find something to eat', it would be 'Are they in the house, are they in the room, are they already mad at me'. I would be looking around cautiously, listening for every sound that indicates they're near me. I would be checking the clock to see if their schedule had already put them in their workplace or wherever they go, and then still peering trough the doors anxiously to see if the hallway is clear, if I can get to the kitchen. I'd be checking how I look to see if I'll be reprimanded for being in the pajamas in the common area. I'd change just to avoid the possibility. I'd be checking each item of food and wondering if it's okay to take it, or whether there's a chance I'll get yelled at or blamed for taking it. I'd be analyzing the last words and actions we exchanged to try to predict how close the abuser is from blowing up and possibly attacking me.
The rest of my day would be scheduled around avoiding them, or alternatively, being in the place where they could easily find me, because if I'm not where I'm expected to be, they might get mad. All of my activities could be stopped and prevented at moment's notice if they decided I need to be doing something for them at that moment. I could be yelled at for not doing something for them sooner, for 'making them say it'.
If I wanted to go out, I'd have to consider if this is allowed, and if they'd want me to stay inside for one reason or another. If I am outside, I'd have to worry about what's going to happen to my stuff if I'm not back whenever they're expecting me to be there, or what kind of angry state I'd find them in. It would be safest to notify them of everything I'm doing, but they might immediately call it unnecessary, stupid, offensive or otherwise inconvenient, and force me to drop it and do something for them instead. Secrecy was the only way to do things, but also risky in case some part of it turns out to be not allowed. There were never any clear rules to what is okay, it would change with their moods.
If I could hear the abuser's car parking in the driveway, I would run back inside of my room, as if it was the 'safe area', when it wasn't. It would at least take me out of their view, so they wouldn't immediately think to start at me. But if they wanted to, they could just go inside of my room and charge at me then. I would just delay being the target, putting myself out of immediate sight. Of course this also meant I couldn't leave any trace of doing anything in the home, so it wouldn't be noticeable I just ran away. Everything has to look untouched.
And then when they interacted with me, I had to make sure to not show emotion on my face, to not look overly confident or happy, to not show any fear or anxiety, to not look sad or upset, to not look angry. I had to act normal, or else. I had to try and defend my own actions and interests walking a fine line of 'trying to let them know I'm upset and unhappy about this, without setting them off and causing them to blow up at me for talking back'. And I'd be told off for this too, because 'how could I complain when people have it soo much worse and I am ungrateful for having a roof over my head'. I had to do whatever was asked out of me, and restrain from even expressing it wasn't what I wanted, for the fear of losing the roof over my head.
Unbelievable I just lived like that for many years. And now I can flop in my pajamas to the kitchen, eyes half closed, make a mess, and think of nothing but food and plans for the day, not worrying for a second that someone could target me for any move I make. I still get scared easily, but nobody attacks me anymore. I can take any item of food, for it is all mine. I can decide to go out anytime, come back anytime, no consequences. I decide what is good for me to do, and nobody else gets an input. I can think of my own interests, and disgreard what anyone else in the world could want from me, because I don't exist for their convenience, and I don't have to worry about it anymore. What I lived before feels absolutely intolerable now. Even one second of that is unsurvivable.
#living in abuse#abuse vs freedom#escaping abuse#abuse recovery#abuse reference#cptsd#tw mention of abuse
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Interview With the Vampire + Perfumes
i posted about wanting to make this and people were also curious, so here it is :) i absolutely have no qualifications to be making this. i just love perfumes and iwtv and wanted to combine em!! lmk ur thoughts <3 fyi this gets pretty long-winded and analysis heavy at times
louis de pointe du lac (new orleans/paris eras)
very slow world in my mind. i think he'd gravitate to the warm spice of it and the hints of whiskey. this also smells a bit like incense, which i think is fitting for him. louis' religious upbringing will always inform how i approach him. but this scent also reminds me of the clubs in new orleans, cigars and rich drinks, and that transfers over to him exploring new sides of himself in paris with photography and engaging with art and cafe scenes. i question the inclusion of the balsamic top note, it's actually much more tea-aligned! this is also quite masculine to me, which makes sense as, particularly in nola, he had to be a little overly masculine-- older brother, man of the house after the death of his father, business owner, and a black business owner in an extremely racist setting. i like this for him, i'd even go as far as to say maybe it's not quite masculine enough.
runner-ups: full incense by montale, nothing but sea and sky by une nuit nomade (this one is very bergamont heavy, which i also think he'd like) foreshadow by curatrix (this one is in my rotation rn and i am almost out because i use it SO much. musk, tobacco, incense, cypress)
louis de pointe du lac (dubai)
this one isn't similar to the above at all, but i think it sort of stays in line with what we know of louis in dubai. it's a very fresh scent, with residual fruity and cedar/fig accords snuck in there that are more noticeable with longer wear. this feels performative like most of dubai, put-together and appealing to the senses but deceptive at the end of the day. i think it's still something louis genuinely likes, but i see him, when he's happy, wearing something a bit more explicitly sweet-spicy, less wood-spicy. this is an amalgamation of the above scent and other sweeter, floral accords he'd drift to, but not quite leaning into it the way i suspect he'd be were he actually healed, had he actually confronted his past in full and emerged content with his circumstances.
runner-ups: of true minds by liis (this is inspired by shakespeare's sonnet 116, also smells like sooo complex. floral spicy with a bit of suede) angel dust by fugazzi (cashmere, pepper, bergamont)
lestat de lioncourt
i actually took so long to decide for lestat. after consulting @operahouses (thank you for enduring my lengthy perfume character analysis) i'm happy w this. it's very very floral, mostly rose, with jasmine and iris too. there's also the underlying patchouli and according to what i read, a sort of rosewater wine-y feel about it. walks the line of intense and mysterious with an elegant softness that feels very true to lestat coming off of paris and finding his footing (and the love of his life) in new orleans.
runner-ups: l'olympia music hall by histoires de parfums (floral, also the name is very lestat in the vampire lestat to me) baccarat rouge 540 by maison francis kurkdjian
rockstar lestat
this is zoologist, which literally makes perfumes off of animal scents. i think that is so fucking cool. anyway-- this is a very bold scent that takes the sweetness of the initial perfume i shared and expands upon it with some really interesting notes. there's passionfruit, leather, teakwood, and incense. (INCENSE, which i think he'd intentionally wear for the nostalgia it could potentially evoke in louis!!) but, overall, a very impressive and borderline questionable miasma of smells. because of this, it's startlingly unique. verrrry memorable, which is kind of the desired experience of a rockstar trying to get his ex-husband back.
runner-ups: triumph of bacchus by argos (this one has such an insanely diverse array of accords i feel only he could pull off) do not disturb by vilhelm parfumerie (this leans into femininity a bunch, which i am down for with lestat. also has some questionable accords but again i think this era welcomes that)
armand
so i'm not even going to pretend i'm not projecting with my first choice for him because i am-- press gurwitz 0.3 is soooo criminally underrated. it's got the knockout combo of the cinnamon and vanilla but when the smoky spice of it hits... it HITS! it also isn't overly sweet at all. the vanilla subdues the sweet notes and leaves sort of a smoky yet clean spiciness over time. i think also the idea of him wearing a gourmand scent has a lot of interesting character connotations in it-- wanting to be desired, wanting to be almost edible, to attract that sort of temptation. if not a gourmand, i can see him preferring fresh, clean, sharp scents-- hence the choices for him as rashid.
runner-ups: milk by commodity (amber, firewood, tonka bean; ultimately the marshmallow accord felt a bittttt out of line for him but this scent is GOOD. a pinch sharp but in a way that's striking rather than obtrusive) female christ by 19-69 (eucalyptus, woody, with cashmere and cinnamon at the base notes, emerging the longer the scent is worn)
armand as rashid
this one has a lot going on but i NEED you to stay with me and hear me out. first of all-- there's notes of pineapple here, which i feel are soooo good given the 'honey and pineapple' exchange. there's also a lot of sweetness here and while the 'honey' part isn't explicit, i feel like it's still reminiscent of it. also, who's to say rashidmand doesn't wear honey body oil with this? wouldn't put that past him. otherwise, this is also pretty floral, fresh, and long-lasting. my one flaw is it is intense, especially for his playing as rashid. my defense here is this: he's already gone with the slutty shirts and the speaking out of turn, so a memorable scent doesn't seem suddenly too far, at least not to me. also, the bottom notes like the vanilla stabilize the intensity. for the first hour or two after application, i'm sure this lingers in a room (which is what he'd want) but as it fades, you'd have to be in closer proximity to notice it.
runner-ups: honey & crocus by jo malone london (this is the honeyed scent that could replace the pineapple one, with traces of saffron and lavender included too which go nicely) fleur de délice by reminiscence (VERY herbal and fresh)
daniel molloy (1973)
ok i am pretty sure i'm not the first to say this but he's SO jazz club. to me. this on top of probably perpetually smelling like cigarettes. and i've heard it's more masculine-leaning, with the rum, spice, and tobacco staying on the longest. i think in devil's minion canon armand would also be all over this like a bloodhound. not much else to say aside from boozy and kinda sexy. the kind of thing you'd wear to go out and score drugs or a fatal vampire encounter.
runner-ups: none! i stand by this one. possibly book by commodity, which uses cedar and sandalwood to come shockingly close to putting your nose in a book. also accomplishes a sort of smokiness.
daniel molloy
this is kind of like if jazz club matured a bit. from what i read (i haven't smelled this one) it's very leathery and dry with a slight sweetness at the end. it has some pine and dates in the list of accords, which works for me too. it is also a bit sensual and i think daniel would wear this in dubai to see louis for the first time since '73. not too intense, which i think he'd prefer. @operahouses suggested a new car smell and i STRONGLY agree.
runner-ups: ombré leather (2018) by tom ford (this went too herbal for me to attribute to him, but i still think leather is good for him)
claudia in new orleans
getting into headcanon territory. this scent is sweet, light, and rosy. i'm imagining this is a gift from lestat before things soured. also something to wear before she branched out and developed her own preferences. i personally think this one is a bit strong and just a tad like a bath, but then again it's very clean and satisfying when the initial scent sits for a little. the sugarcane there brings it together too. this would also contribute to the infantilization both louis and lestat force upon her, the shared--whether explicit or implicit- idea that she's theirs, only the 'girl' part of daughter and too young and naive to be the 'woman.' i feel like she'd grow to hate this smell eventually the same way she grew to resent what lestat and new orleans meant for her.
runner-ups: rose of no man's land by byredo (i didn't think the spices fit, but could be that's a stepping stone for her)
claudia (paris)
i haven't tried this scent but i do love curatrix. so i think in a similar way to daniel's progression this is an older, sultry, woody-sweet rendition of what a younger claudia would enjoy. knowing curatrix, it's probably a bit intense, but for a woman duelling with the reality she will not ever be properly seen as a woman, i think it's very fitting! the cloves and tobacco lend age to it while the honey and vanilla sweeten it up a bit, dries down into a suggestion of ginger. i think the name would attract her as well. claudia owns being a vampire-- she loves it, wants so badly to be loved by the coven for loving vampirism, so the idea of fatale is definitely something she would gravitate to in my mind.
runner-ups: hypnotic poison by dior (similar wood themes with a bit of floral and fruitiness mixed in, but mostly, the bottle is cute) carmilla by immortal perfumes (the name, naturally-- also has a blood accord!! was my first choice until i remembered fatale exists)
madeline
gets a classic. i wore this for years before i started to present less feminine. it's clean, floral, sweet, a bit powdery, and stays on forever. not too overwhelming but def alluring. one of thee ultimate femme lesbian choices to me!
runner-ups: immortelle by chloé (still white floral with some tonka snuck in. i like the name for her a lot!)
santiago
i really have nothing to say other than this scent doesn't get very good reviews and it kind of pisses me off and that's perfect for him. def wears way too much of this and it pisses off everyone in the coven. the HEIGHT of gay man who is about to infuriate you.
okay i had a lot of fun doing this. so if anybody else matched my freak ab this i would LOVE to do more.
#iwtv#interview with the vampire#louis du pointe du lac#lestat de lioncourt#claudia de pointe du lac#claudia de lioncourt#armand#the vampire armand#daniel molloy#loumand#devils minion#amc iwtv#armandaniel#loustat#lesmand#armandstat#claudeline#madeline eparvier#santiago#theatre des vampires#devil's minion
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don't marry him (quinn hughes x bsf!reader)
summary: angst, quinn talks reader out of engagement, unrequited love (kinda), reader is a lawyer, lots of flashbacks, italics mean flashbacks, not a single y/n used (yay!)
warnings!! anxiety, panic attacks, cursing, intense argument
a/n: okay so I rly didn't know what to do with this bc it honestly felt wrong to have him confess his feelings in this moment LMAO so I think I'm def gonna do a pt 2. anyways this was the fic from my drafts that the people voted for so here it is!! hope u enjoy :)
wc: 4.1k
“You lost.” Quinn said, staring out at the Lake, not making eye contact with you.
“What?” You asked, twirling your flashy engagement ring around your finger.
Max had come into your life at a time when everything felt uncertain. You were fresh off a series of career setbacks, questioning your worth and your ability to build the future you had always dreamed of. He was steady, charismatic, and above all, ambitious. Qualities you admired and felt you needed to anchor yourself. He made you feel secure in a world that often felt chaotic.
Quinn sighed, turning to face you slightly. “At life. You lost.” He mumbled out, taking a sip of his beer before turning back to the lake. Your face quickly softened with a hint of sadness.
“I-I didn’t lose. I’m happy and successful.” You said, your tone coming off with a hint of anger.
You and Max met at a work conference, one of those overly formal events where you spent half the time pretending to be interested in panel discussions and the other half networking. Max had approached you during a coffee break, his easy confidence setting him apart from the crowd. His suit was perfectly tailored, his smile sharp but not unkind.
Quinn took one look at you, shifting in his seat slightly. “Y-You…you don’t want this.” Your heart thumped slightly, cracking your knuckles to drown out the sounds of your own thoughts. “I’m scared for you.”
Max’s love came with conditions. He valued success above all else, and he expected you to do the same. Work always came first, even if it meant skipping family events or cutting vacations short for a meeting. He didn’t understand why you needed to spend time with Quinn, Luke, and Jack.
“Quinn, I love him. You know that.” Your brows furrowed in an attempt to make him understand.
The engagement came as a surprise, even to you. It was during a charity gala, one of those glittering events Max thrived in. He had pulled you onto the stage during his speech, getting down on one knee in front of hundreds of people. The ring sparkled under the chandeliers, and the applause was deafening. You had said yes because saying no didn’t feel like an option. Not with Max’s expectant smile, the cameras flashing, and the weight of the moment pressing down on you.
“But do you like him?” His words sent a shiver down your spine as you continued to fidget with the ring on your finger. The ring that was far too heavy to be wearing constantly, its band made of gold instead of your preferred silver. His words hung in the air, the weight of them sinking in your chest like a stone tossed in the still waters of the lake. His gaze remained fixed ahead, unwavering.
Max wasn’t a bad man. He wasn’t cruel or unkind. But he didn’t see you, not the way Quinn did. He saw your potential, your ambition, but not the person you were when all the noise fell away.
“I-I…I don’t- of course I like him. What are you getting at?” You stuttered, confused about your own feelings on the matter. Quinn glanced at you with a side eye, taking another swig from his bottle before speaking.
“Really?” He asked, his heart shattering at the sight of tears welling in your eyes. “I see the face you make when he talks. It’s blank, unreadable. And when he laughs? Your eyes scrunch up like when we would drag you out of bed to get on the boat.” Quinn lets out an uncomfortable chuckle. “You really want to wake up next to his mustache every morning for the rest of your life?” You roll your eyes, posture slumping.
“Don’t make fun of him.” You warned, your voice becoming stern. Quinn bites the inside of his mouth before turning away. “I’m successful, Quinn.”
“Yeah-yeah, that’s great. You have all the fuckin’ money you could’ve wished for.” He huffs out with a sarcastic smile.
“Don’t do that. Don’t make me sound materialistic-” You crossed your arms, Quinn cutting you off quickly.
“Well it’s kind of hard when all you do is work and work-” His voice raises significantly.
“This is my dream! If you can’t accept the fact that i’m happy-”
“Yeah! And you’re so damn caught up in it that you don’t have time for us anymore!” He yells, sending you a look of anger. One you’d never seen before. He breathes heavily, trying to calm himself down as he moves to the edge of his seat. His eyes soften when he catches your expression, scared. He sighs reluctantly before he speaks again. “Luke notices the way you brush him off when Max is around. He notices how you never fly out to Jersey to see him and Jack like you used to.” Your breath hitched as Quinn’s words pierced through the air. His voice had calmed, but the raw emotion in his eyes cut deeper than his raised tone ever could. You looked away, not able to face the weight of his gaze, and stared at the rippling water instead. The golden light of the setting sun shimmered on the surface, mimicking the perfection you thought you’d built.
“Luke said that?” You whispered, your voice barely audible. A lump formed in your throat, but you swallowed it down, refusing to let it show. You didn’t want this, not here, not ever.
“Yeah.” He replied softly. “Jack see’s it too. They miss you.” Quinn turned his head to face you, your gaze still not meeting his. “I miss you.” You turned to glance at him, tears bubbling as you brushed a strand of hair from your face. You continued playing with your ring, biting your lip to hold the cries.
You sniffled, wiping your nose with the sleeve of your sweatshirt. “This is my life. I won.” You croaked out. Quinn sighed, leaning back in his seat as he swirled the beer bottle in his hand.
“When we were kids, my Aunt Julia came over to visit us during christmas. Do you remember that?” He asked quietly, catching you off guard in a moment of vulnerability. You nodded your head, continuing to bite your lip. “She asked all of us- Me, you, Jack, and Luke ‘What do you want to be when you grow up?’” Your eyes softened quickly, bringing your knees to your chest. “Do you remember what you said?” He asked, his tone empathetic.
“Yeah, a lawyer-”
“A mother.” He interrupted. The words hit you like a punch to the chest, knocking the air from your lungs. You froze, staring at Quinn as the memories hit like a tidal wave.
“I…I don’t remember that.” Your voice barely above a whisper.
Quinn gave you a sad smile, his eyes softening. “You do. You just don’t want to.” He brought the bottle to his mouth, looking out at the lake again. The two of you sat in the thick silence. Quinn, knowing he was winning this conversation and you, overthinking every little moment from the past two years. Tears began to escape your eyes as you stared out at the lake, refusing to look at Quinn. He turned to you, seeing how hard this conversation was for you. He wanted to pull you into him, let you cry into his shoulder until all the pain went away, but that wasn’t his job anymore. It was Max’s. The pain burned deep into Quinn’s chest as he recalled every memory he shared with you at this house. Jumping off the boat together on hot summer days, neighborhood barbecues where you would wear those short little sundresses he liked so much, your first kiss while playing spin the bottle together, and of course every deep conversation you shared on this back deck, in these exact chairs. When he was thirteen, he was sure of the fact that he would marry you. He never expected to be sitting here, watching you fiddle with an engagement ring that he didn’t buy.
You blinked, wiping the tears from your face as you decided to face your fear of confrontation. “I-If I don’t work hard now, I won’t have anything left when I'm old and burnt out.” Quinn’s jaw clenched as he processed your words, his gaze fixed on the lake but his mind clearly elsewhere. He tilted his head back slightly, exhaling through his nose like he was trying to suppress his frustration. Your lip trembled, more tears falling by the second as you looked away.
“H-He um-” You paused, taking a long sigh as you looked over at Quinn. “He says there’s no time for children in our career.” Quinn whipped his head over to you, his expression softening as he got lost in your words.
“He’s a piece of shit.” Quinn mumbled, shaking his head as he returned his gaze to the lake.
You licked your lips as you rolled your eyes. “He’s not a piece of shit, okay? He’s a good guy, you just don’t know him.” You said, your tone growing in frustration. Quinn looked over to you, mouth open, brows furrowed as if you’d just said the most unbelievable thing.
He huffed out a small laugh before returning his eyes to the bottle in his hand. “You’re fuckin’ delusional.” He let out quietly, taking another sip. You whipped your head to him, your frustration quickly bubbling over.
“Excuse me-”
Quinn was quick to interrupt you, his voice raised slightly. “You heard me. You’re fucking delusional if you think that’s love.” He rolled his eyes, looking back at you.
You scoffed, licking your bottom row of teeth as you let out an uncomfortable laugh. “You’re an asshole, you know that?” Your expression had become serious, your tears stopping in their tracks. “This is love!” Your voice carefully rose in volume. “I fell in love,” You laughed slightly, letting a slight smile escape your lips out of frustration. “You’re just jealous.”
Quinn’s face turned bright red as he took in your words. He looked down at his lap, then back to you. He bit the inside of his cheek, letting out an uncomfortable chuckle before speaking. “Jealous?” He asked, brows furrowed. “My god, you're so full of yourself sometimes.” He didn’t mean that and he knew, but you didn’t. You bit your lip, trying to hold back tears as your best friend tore you apart. “You seriously think i’m jealous of him?” He asked, his voice just below a yell.
“No, of me!” Quinn froze, his beer bottle mid air as the words echoed between the two of you. “You’re jealous because I found love and-”
Quinn slammed the bottle on the wooden deck, the sharp sound making you flinch. “Don’t.” He snapped, his voice shaking with anger. “Don’t twist this into me being the bad guy for giving a shit about you.”
“You don’t give a shit!” You shot back, standing up as your emotions boiled over. “You just can't stand the fact that i’m not following you around like a fucking puppy anymore!” Quinn stood too, his frame towering over you, but his expression wasn’t filled with intimidation. It was filled with raw, unfiltered pain.
June 23rd, 2012
Dear diary, today was pretty good. In the morning, Jack and Luke jumped on my bed to wake me up which sucked, but when are they not annoying? Anyways, they dragged me down to the lake for a boat day. We went with their dad and their brother Quinn (my future husband). Jack and Luke were doing this wakeboard surfing thingy so I decided to stay close to Quinn. He’s just sooo perfect. His hair is amazing and he smells so good. I wanna be his girlfriend like literally so bad but I can’t tell if he likes me or not. He held my hand when we jumped in the water which was literally the best thing that has EVER happened to me. Anyways, that was the most important thing that happened today.
“What are you reading? You don’t read.” Jack’s piercing voice pulled Quinn straight from focus. He quickly turned around, shutting the book immediately.
“Nothing uh- just something for school.” He stammered out. Jack furrowed his brows, crossing his arms.
“It’s summer.”
“Yeah, summer reading.” Only it wasn’t summer reading. It was your diary, something personal and private. Quinn was only reading it to find out where you hid the hockey puck you stole, but he stumbled upon a catalog of entries about himself. Do you expect a thirteen year old boy to not read it?
“Okay well, dinner’s in five minutes.” Jack said before spinning on his heel to exit the room. You liked Quinn, like really liked him and now he knows it.
“You need to think about what you just said.” Quinn said, his voice low. “Think about that and then compare it to every time I talked you through your panic attacks, or every time I picked you up at three in the morning when we were sixteen because you were too drunk to drive home, or every time I offered you a place to stay when your parents were fighting. Then, you can tell me if you think I give a shit or not.” He stared you down, his eyes becoming tense as your bottom lip began to tremble.
“I didn’t-”
Quinn huffed out his breath, interrupting your speech. “Do you know how hard it’s been to watch you? To see you become someone I don’t even recognize anymore?” His voice became stern, raising in volume. “You don’t smile the same way anymore. You don’t laugh like you used to!” Your breath hitched, the weight of his words suffocating. You looked down at the ring on your finger, the glittering diamond that once felt like a prize but now felt more like a shackle. “You think I don’t care?” His voice was quiet, but the pain in his voice was unmistakable. “I’ve always cared. A-And seeing you like this, wearing that ring, in this life that’s clearly eating you alive? It kills me.”
You licked your bottom lip, tears spilling down your face as you looked up at him. You swallowed the lump in your throat, letting out a shaky breath as you gathered your thoughts.
“Hey, babe. You almost ready?” You heard Max’s voice shout from the living room as you finished putting your earrings on.
“Yeah, just a second!” You yelled back, fluffing your freshly blown out hair in the mirror. You took a deep breath as you looked yourself up and down in the dark green bodycon dress that Quinn had gotten you for your 21st birthday. You’d never put it on, but you assumed it was fitting for a work Christmas party. Was it too much? You thought to yourself as you ran your hands down the sides, seeing that the length was about an inch above your fingertips. You decided it was fine and made your way out of the bedroom, purse in hand as you walked to the living room. Max sat on the couch in his tailored Prada suit, a bit pretentious to wear to a work party. His legs were spread wide as he had one hand on his phone, and the other on the back of the couch. He looked up from the screen to glance at you in your dress. You gave him a soft smile, your shoulders tensing up as he furrowed his eyebrows.
“It’s a bit short, don’t you think?” He asked as he ran a hand through his blonde hair. You looked down at your dress, then back up at him.
“W-Well, I was thinking that a little. Should I change?” Your voice was shaky, filled with nerves at Max’s disapproval.
He shook his head, standing from the couch with his hands in his pockets as he made his way to the door. “No, no. We're already gonna be late with how long you took to get ready.”
There were little moments like that that clouded your mind as you stood in front of Quinn. Your breathing was shaky, your face now fully engulfed in hot tears as he stared into your eyes. “You don’t get it.” You let out, your voice just barely above a whisper. “I’ve spent my whole life trying to find stability. To feel…safe.” Your voice cracked on the last word, and you swallowed hard, trying to steady yourself.
“Safe?” Quinn repeated, his eyes locking with yours. “Is that what this is? Because it doesn’t look like it. You’re not safe. You’re trapped.” He gestured to the ring on your finger, his voice lowering at the depressed sight of you. Your lips parted, but no sound came out. You stared at him, your chest tightening as his words dug into the thoughts you’d been trying so hard to suppress. Quinn softened, stepping closer. “You deserve more than this.” he said, his voice breaking slightly. “And I think, deep down you know that.”
You bit your lip, sniffling your nose before wiping your tears with your sleeve. “I’m in too deep. I can’t get out.” You whispered, finally bringing yourself to the point to admit it. You weren’t happy, you knew that, but you couldn’t tell anyone. Well, you thought you couldn’t until Quinn finally pushed you to the point where there wasn’t another option.
Quinn let out a sigh mixed with exhaustion and a hint of relief. He sent you an empathetic smile as he absentmindedly grabbed your hand, rubbing his thumb against the back of it. “You can.” He said, his voice quiet. “You’re not alone. I’m here…if you need help. I’m always gonna be here.” Your breath caught in your throat as Quinn’s hand enveloped yours, his warmth cutting through the icy wall you’d built around yourself. His touch was steady, grounding, and for the first time in what felt like forever, you felt a flicker of hope. His words echoed in your head, soft and firm. You stared down at his hand, the calluses on his fingers brushing lightly against your skin as his thumb moved in slow, soothing circles. It felt so familiar, so safe, and the contrast to Max’s cold indifference hit you like a wave. You couldn’t help but let all the emotions running like a swarm through your head push you to the point of breakage. You began to sob, your eyes still looking at your hands intertwined as your breath came out in short, stammered increments. Quinn didn’t waste any time before pulling you into his chest, allowing your sobs to escape into his shirt as he wrapped his arms around your body. He held you tightly, his arms wrapping around you like a shield against everything that had been weighing you down. His chin rested on top of your head as your tears soaked into his shirt, but he didn’t seem to care. His hand rubbed slow circles on your back, grounding you in a way you hadn’t felt in ages.
“It’s okay,” He murmured softly into your hair. “I’ve got you.” You clung to him, your fists gripping the fabric of his shirt as if letting go would mean losing the only thing tethering you to solid ground.
The room began to shrink in an instant, reading the text from your mother. “It’s final. Dad and I are separating. You and I are moving to Gran and Pop’s when you get back from the lake house, so I need you to pack up everything.”
The tears came almost immediately, but that didn’t scare you. It was the feeling you got in your chest, like your heart was radiating pulses all over your body. Pounding over and over again, like the beating was the only thing you could hear. The sound of Quinn shooting pucks only made it worse, like each shot was another banging ache to your head. You tried to slow your breathing, but it felt like the most difficult challenge at that moment. Your breaths were short and hitched, gasping for air at any chance you got. Your hands shook as your phone fell out of them. You were terrified, you didn’t know what was happening. You couldn’t die, you were only sixteen. You still had so much to do in life. You tilted your head up, staring at the ceiling light, but that only made it worse. Quinn noticed when you didn’t say anything about the shot he’d just missed, immediately dropping his stick to run over to you.
“Hey, Hey. What’s wrong? Are you okay?” He said frantically as he leaned down to where you were sitting on the floor. You tried to tell him, tried to speak, but your head was stuck looking up, and you felt like you couldn’t move it. Quinn placed his hand on the back of your neck, pulling your head down to face him. Your face was covered in tears, completely red as your mouth parted slightly. “Talk to me.” He said gently. “Please?”
You licked your quivering lips, trying your hardest to breathe. “I-I…I c-can’t. I can’t b-breathe.” His heart dropped at your words, the panic in your voice cutting through him like a knife. His hands moved to gently cradle your face, his thumbs brushing away your tears even as more fell.
“Okay, okay,” He said softly, his own voice trembling but steadying for your sake. “You’re having a panic attack. You’re not dying, I promise.” You gasped again, your breaths shallow and uneven, your chest tightening with each attempt. “Look at me.” He instructed. “Breathe with me. In through your nose, out through your mouth.” He blew out softly, his eyes locked on yours as he repeated the motion.
You tried to mimic him, but your breath was quickly caught in your throat, sending you a fresh wave of panic. “I c-can’t Quinn, I can’t!” You cried.
“Yes, you can.” He reassured, his hands never leaving your face. “I’ve got you. I’m right here. Just take it slow.” You managed a small, shaky inhale, your body trembling as you followed his lead. “There you go.” He said, his voice laced with a small flicker of relief. “Now, out through your mouth.” Quinn stayed with you, guiding you through each breath as the pounding of the room began to dull. Finally, your breaths came easier, the crushing weight on your chest lifting little by little. You looked at Quinn, your face still wet with tears.
“Thank you.” You whispered, your voice hoarse.
His thumbs still traced circles on your cheeks as he sent you a soft smile. “I’ve got you. You’re not alone.”
You stayed, sobbing into Quinn’s shirt as his grip around you tightened. He listened to your breathing patterns, looking out for a sign of a panic attack. He’d memorized you at this point. He knew the exact time to jump in, and he knew how to calm you down.
“Quinn, I’m so scared.” You cried out, wrapping your arms around him to pull him closer.
Quinn moved his hand from your back to your head, running his fingers through your hair. “I know.” He whispered. “I’m sorry.” He leaned back just enough to gently tilt your chin up with his fingers, his blue eyes meeting yours. They were soft, but filled with an intensity that made your heart ache. “You thought you had to want this.” He said, speaking the words you never had the confidence to say. “Doesn’t mean it’s right. It doesn’t mean it’s what you deserve.” You looked up at him, not seeing Quinn Hughes, captain of the Canucks, but your childhood best friend, Quinny, who talked you through every panic attack, walked you home from every party, and gave you a bed through every fight between your parents. That’s what you deserved. Someone willing to give you that much dedication, not some pretentious lawyer who only loves you for your accomplishments. In a moment of determination, after wiping your tears, you dramatically pulled off your engagement ring, slamming it on the railing of the deck. The sound of the ring hitting the wooden railing echoed in the stillness of the night, sharp and final. Quinn’s eyes darted to it, then back to you, his lips parting in surprise. You stood there trembling, not from fear but from the sheer weight of the decision you’d just made. Your chest heaved as the tears continued to fall. This time they weren’t from sadness, they were from release. Quinn hesitated for only a moment before stepping closer, his hand hovering over yours as if to silently ask for permission. When you didn’t pull away, he took your trembling hand in his, holding it like it was the most fragile thing in the world.
“You-” He started, his voice breaking slightly before he cleared his throat. “You did it.”
“I did it.” You whispered, almost in disbelief yourself. You stared at the ring, gleaming under the soft glow of the porch light. It had once symbolized everything you wanted, but now it felt like a chain you’d finally broken free from.
#freeabortionslol#quinn hughes#quinn hughes x reader#fanfic#nhl fanfiction#nhl players#qh43#imagine#hockey#hughes brothers
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Nex hugs him back but is careful not to shock him. Sometimes when she becomes too excited she shocks someone, or a lamp or lights. But nope, she will not do that tonight, this show was too important. And gosh she never realized how short she was until someone overly tall person hugged her.
"I'm alright! Not too loud just yet. I brought special headphones with me that I invented to listen to your music!" She was really happy about testing these out. And what a better place than here right? "Hm... do you have any water? I don't really like soda." Nex doesn't like soda? But she loves candy... Sugar... No one usually ever questioned it but she always finds it funny when she has to say that out loud.
2D startles, but his expression shifts into a grin when he realizes who's made it. He accidentally pushes someone while turning to greet her with a hug. He has to bend to give it to her, but he doesn't mind.
"Happy you made it! It's loud in here, isn't it? C'mon, c'mon, you want a drink or something? Got coke products." And regular coke, from the look of things. He's not one to pressure his friends into partying, though. "There's still some food left, too."
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Cat - 17/11/2023 (though uploaded on 19/11/2023)
The two hundred and forty seventh friend. A cat. She is a very small cat. She lives in her home with her family. It's a nice, warm place. She has food and safety there. She used to live on the street before they took her in. She was cold and hungry and afraid. Now she has people to rely on and to love her. She has everything she could ever want. She doesn't have to fight to survive anymore. She's happy there, happier than she ever thought she could be.
#art#cat#mammal#animal#I drew this one quite a while ago#I tried to do that shading thing people do with a line rather than my usual airbrush#I'm not overly happy with it but I like it#she's cute
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DOES ANYONE UNDERSTAND MY VISION
I am calling for a Mr and Little Miss LMK au please I am begging/j
Mr Miserable and Mr Cheeky:
#lego monkie kid#lego monkie kid fanart#monkie kid#monkie kid fanart#lmk#lmk fanart#lmk mayor#monkie kid mayor#lmk macaque#monkie kid macaque#is there such thing as a crack AU since there are crack ships?#I sure hope so because I'm pretty sure this is a crack AU#did anybody else grow up with these childrens books?#for those of you who don't understand: Mr Miserable was thr most miserable person in Happy Land#and then Mr Happy came along and managed to get him to laugh and smile again#so I like to think after such an enlightening experience- Mr Miserable does not ever want to be miserable ever again#to the point where they are overly happy and excited and borderline a maniac#you can see where this is going#anyways- Mr Cheeky's story is actually hilarious to me because the dude literally just goes around insulting people and bullying them#fits Macaque a lot I reckon lmao#Mr Cheeky redeems himself (not really) and so that ALSO fits with Macaque#all in all- Mr Cheeky is not actually 'cheeky' and he is in fact just a massive jerk and I love him for it#PS: please do not deadname Mr Smiles in front of them- they will not like it
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#I still feel weird about just posting pics of Louis and being like heh he look good#when he's going through such a terrible time#for me all the pictures were always not just that but to sort of celebrate that things were finally finally GOOD#the joyfulness of all that#to be like LOOK at this THRIVING we MADE IT look how far we came etc... and things aren't very fucking great right now#HOWEVER....#idk about you but my dash is depressing af#I think maybe we could use a reminder of joy#and a reminder of happy things and times and that even after the worst things... those times come again#not to get overly precious or deep about it or whatever🙄it's just some pictures on tumblr.com I KNOW#but we are how we live or whatever idk ANYWAY my point is I'm gonna start the queue back up#for now at least#and hope it makes some people smile
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I ADORE the imagery of LBD using Chimera!Tang on Macaque as a mirror to Tripitaka and Wukong.
Perhaps the chimera is the one to punish Macaque instead of the bone demons...
(*after Macaque loses track of the van*) Macaque: "Ugh. What do you want?" Chimera!Tang: (*silently begins shaking his pair of cicada wings*) Macaque: "What are you-" Chimera!Tang: (*wings emit a screeching high-frequency sound similar to a swarm of cicadas*) Macaque: (*recoils like Wukong being punished by the Headache Sutra*) "OK OK I GET IT! I MESSED UP! JUST STOP!" Macaque, internally: "Is... is this how he felt?"
Fun fact about the "four eyes" thing! Cicadas actually have five!
So Tang would have three small eyes clustered in the centre of his forehead - almost like a bindi or how Erlang has his third eye.
We probably need to make a diagram of how Tang's chimera body breaks down! I can see him having chicken wings as the larger of the four, with cicada wings hidden beneath almost like lace. Also tiger monk mention! Grey-blue fur!
As for LBD's sigils being in Bone script -I tried to get a good screenshot to check and it appears you're right though I can only make out "Ox" and "Sheep". The characters wrap around each other in an odd pattern. I could see her using chicken as a "filler" in the chimera
As for the Kaiju able to take him on? They'll need monkeys on the case, but the gang will need a little help...
From a certain Miss "Has venom powerful enough to make Buddha weep";
And who ends up cooking up a storm for the "hungry monk-demon" who wandered into her territory on his way to track down the heroes.
Chimera!Tang: (*stomach grumbling!*) :( Scorpion Queen, holding up a bowl of noodles like it's a cat dish: "Aww! Are you hungry?" Chimera!Tang: (*happy cicada noises as he digs in!*) Scorpion Queen, petting the feasting beast: "Who's a handsome boy? You are!" Macaque, watching from a safe distance: "Yet, I'm the one slacking off, apparently."
During the events of "Amnesia Rules"; Pigsy, Wukong, and Mo (+perhaps Nezha since he's here) still run into her - seeking shelter after finding kaiju-sized paw prints in the area. The queen is delighted to have more guests, and rambles on about the "odd monk-demon" she fed, accidentally giving the gang hints of what has become of their dear Tangy... She asks to keep in touch!
Their eventual skirmish becomes almost a callback to the Spider Gang - with the Scorpion managing to envenoming the chimera enough for it's hold on the Third Ring (and perhaps even LBD's connection to him) to weaken. Tang's chimera being part chicken is hilariously ironic, since in the book, Scorpion Queen was defeated by Maori the Rooster star god.
I can see Wukong still becoming possessed, with the Lady Bone Demon preying on his connection to his late master in order to catch him off-guard.
The monkie kids pretty much bully Macaque into being their warrior so that they can get their nerd and king back!
With perhaps a cameo from a certain Bull able to take The King on in a fair kaiju battle;
(*art by Overly Sarcastic Productions*)
Ofc I am sucker for "character's closest companion/lover talks them down from a dangerous-superpowered form"
Pigsy hugging Chimera!Tang as MK did to Samadhi Fire!Mei.
Okay so I saw some Dungeon Meshi x Lego Monkie Kid art you reblogged and it has been EATING at me. So now I gotta throw my hat into the Au idea ring.
So a lot of arts I’ve seen have portrayed Tang as Marcille usually, but I think he totally works as Falin, too. Like, eaten/almost eaten by a monster? Check. Self sacrificial for their friends? Check. Teleportation powers? Check!
Basically what I’m saying is that I think it’d be a cool (and angsty) Au idea if one way or another Tang got chimera’d. Because the idea of that middle-aged man going crazy as a chimera is beautiful to me, plus it’d be very unexpected! I don’t know how he’d get like that, mayhaps through LBD’s meddling?
(It wouldn’t make as much sense for him to have the main body of a dragon, though, so maybe instead he’d have something like a lion or tiger instead for the bulk? I think it’d be neat. Especially if we bring the cicada powers into play, then we’d have a bird-cicada-lion/tiger chimera on our hands and I’d LOVE to see that. I dunno, just a thought.)
Chimera!Tang 👀
CHIMERA!TANG DOING THE "WHOA HEY!"-SHIRT RIP!? ╰(✧∇✧╰)
YES PLEASE!! ٩(◕ั ∀◕ั๑٩)
If Tang was chimera'ed I can see the body mainly being that of a tiger, as per Tripitaka's transformation in the Jttw Yellow Robed Demon arc, mixed with that of a dragon-sized insect ala the Golden Cicada connection.
If we're thinking of this taking place in LMK canon; maybe Tang gets captured by LBD during the events of Lantern City/"Benched"? Or maybe even earlier around the time of Shadowplay - MK's second father going missing during perhaps the worst possible time in his life, only to reappear as a corrupted monster of his former self. Wukong and Nezha don't get bodied by a ward spell in this timeline - but rather by Tang himself.
LBD taking the final remnant of the Golden Cicada, a being embodying the cycle of life/death, and warping it into her Champion for the Destruction of this world.
Potential mirror to the infamous Possessed!Wukong vs Macaque fight with Pigsy and Chimera!Tang?
Yes please, :3
#chimera!tang au#lmk tang#six eared macaque#liu er mihou#lmk scorpion queen#lmk aus#lmk#lego monkie kid
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I found this stock image and had to draw Ferryman in the pose
#Ultrakill#Ferryman#Ferryman Ultrakill#my art#aaaa i'm not actually overly happy w how this turned out but fuck it its like 4 am rn#why am i drawing ferryman from ultrakill in a gay ass pose at 4 am?#fuck if i know
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as a staunch one-sided sidnate truther, i would like to propose that nate twisted sid's arm into promising that he'd make sure they won the asg and if he didn't he had to do whatever nate asked, and sid was so blindingly confident that he could beat anybody in a goofy little scrimmage that he said yes
and then they and nate was like "wear my hoodie that smells like me and has my number real big on the front out to media" and sid was helplessly bound to his word
#i'm very happy for the sidnate shippers#they were well fed#but i was also fed with a lot of content that fueled my interpretation of nate as an sid's overly enthusiastic coworker#who is pretty okay in small doses but maybe a whole weekend is a little much#maybe sid would like to sit with someone else for a bit
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maybe you should doodle however many or few starcon/helix/damned characters as you like (in human or alien form) in cute halloween costumes! imagine... ZEX dressed up as Ariel thelittlemermaid...
Day 26 - "I hadn't realized humans also had aquatic subcultures!" "Oh, well, uhm..."
#My art#Requestober#SCII#Damned#DAX#ZEX#The Captain#You can't tempt me like this I'm too weak to it agh#I am sorely convinced that with a Slightly longer time frame to work on this I would've gone with my first idea#It was way overly-ambitious for a less-than-24-hour time limit but hhghhh I /do/ want to draw everyone in cute costumes!!!#Super doesn't help that I very broke my sleep schedule and like as soon as this came in I fell asleep for three hours lol#And was still tired!!! That's just not fair says I#But I still managed >:3c Because I limited my scope haha but that's important too!! And it still turned out cute!!!#I mean how couldn't it - ZEX as The Little Mermaid is just-#I'm enamoured it's so perfect for him..........what an excellent idea...........definitely not going to be thinking about this for A While#Funnily enough my immediate thought was actually angst haha - the mermaid has to give up her voice! What would ZEX give up?#That he hasn't already anyhow - and then thoughts of reviving Zelnick but selfishly I just hhghgh I love himm I love themmmm#For now the cutes tho!!!!#It tickles me so bad that a significant portion of Damned takes place in October hehe <3 ZEX arrived in November but still!#And then the Halloween event to get their canon outfits back fjdskalfjd ahhh!!!#I'm many many years too late lol but there's something very lovely about the theme continuing ahh <3 <3#Oh yeah and there's also two others in costume here lol - the Captain's was easy haha <3 Dashing prince! He suits it ♪#For DAX lol at first I considered Triton? But he's not quite That bad about ZEX's human infatuation#Not that he's as admissive or manipulative as Ursula either - at some point it might've just become ''I want to see him in it'' lol#He's so happy about it haha <3#Can you tell I had fun with ZEX's costume lol - sparklies!!! Had fun with the glitter on his shoes :D#I Will find a place to use my scale brush anywhere and everywhere and that's a threat#I wonder what ZEX would think of human animation haha - I only remember there being one movie night at the Institute!#Surely Disney would get the greenlight to be played in the Sun Room! ZEX having a transcendent ''seen'' experience aw <3
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"just give them an aac device!"
"just teach them sign language"
"body language and facial expressions alone are good enough for communicating what you need"
Nonononono f*!k off. Stop acting like nonverbal people have easy solutions to their lack of verbality. Not everyone can use an aac device- some people struggle with spelling or can't spell at all, some people have motor skills issues that makes typing a nightmare that takes a long time, some can't articulate themselves without outside help. Learning sign is hard if you again have motor skills issues or struggle to make facial expressions that convey what your feeling (flat affect applies to more than just a person's voice- some people really struggle to make facial expressions and have stilted or strange body language- you people can understand why autistic people get burnt out from masking all day- you know often having to control their body language and make certain facial expressions etc yet you can't understand why nonverbal autistics can't just learn sign- a language very heavy on facial expressions and expressive body language?) also again spelling and motor skill issues are a pain and also a lot of families with deaf or nonverbal children refuse to learn sign for said children and I'm sorry in day to day life I haven't met many people who speak sign- yeah you can move to a community with a lot of deaf or nonverbal people that use sign but that's not always possible and its very limiting. And do I even have to explain the third one- autistic body language is confusing to neurotypicals and I hate the stereotype that its just so blunt and obvious/better than neurotypical communication- maybe that's what its like for you and your 'smart sheldon cooper/Wednesday Addams' style autism but not every autistic person 'says exactly what they mean' often times autistic people struggle with semantics and articulating sentences that make any sense! and all these misunderstandings surrounding stimming are annoying to!- spinning can be a 'happy' stim but it can also mean your overwhelmed or understimulated, a lot of people with autism have voices that lack inflections, mix that in with being unable to use words and no it does not help communicate their needs- f!*k off with acting like its easy not all autistic people who are nonverbal can spell, not all autistic people w are nonverbal have good motor skills and body language alone is never enough to convey a persons needs. Before anyone comes after me yes Sign is body language but its also actual symbols and can convey full thoughts and ideas and sentences and also body language is hard for a lot of autistic people to convey like stated above.
Not every form autistic communication is being 'logical' and unoffended because 'we're just more logical than those superfluous, shallow neurotypicals that let their feelings control them and are never direct about what they want-we value facts and logic unlike those butthurt neurotypicals' and being overly blunt- no a lot of autistic people find that communication is messy and the ways they can communicate are ineffective and your 'logical, facts dont care about your feelings' style of communication isn't as amazing as you think it is. Stop speaking over nonverbal autistics- their is no real perfect solution to them not being able to speak. And I'm gonna say it- while not all nonverbal people are low functioning or high support needs or whatever the new term is-being nonverbal is a massive disadvantage and having your disability be visible like that is scary in many situations and being unable to communicate your needs can make it impossible to meet your needs-
#ableism#nonverbal#autism spectrum disorder#autism#asd#actually autistic#actuallyautistic#autism is a disability#autism issues#I'm verbal but as a child I wasn't and I am so happy that I can speak now because damn the shit people who need to use alternative-#Communication go through is fucking ridiculous#accessibility#Isn't always as accessible as you think#Part of the reason I don't interact with other autistic people is because of shitty attitudes like this#We need to stop acting like autistic communication is logical and blunt all the time a lot of the time we don't make any sense#Out ways (and I mean ways cuz there are multiple types of autistic communication) aren't inherently superior your just assholes#Even as a verbal person unless I've really studied a person communicating with them in a way that makes any lick of sense to anyone is hard#It's not just brutal honesty! Stringing together sentences is hard. Also brutal honesty isn't the cool strength you think it is#language processing#Is hard for people#Autism communication isn't just brutal honesty and being 'rational' its dangerous stims and poorly strung sentences and so many other thing#Also when someone is hurt by your brutal honesty they aren't always being overly sensitive and 'illogical'#Sometimes your being a bitch and the person you where being 'blunt with' has every right to be mad at your tactless#And again there's more to autistic communication than being 'a pure logical being's#Idk where this idea we're all super logical and superior comes from#I might come off as emotionless and dry to a lot of people but like my emotional regulation is shit#I am not logical and a lot of other autistic people aren't logical
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I've reached peak cheesey zone :'D;;;
Claude calls his spouse "My muse!" and that sounds so wholesome in my head given my farmer is angel race. His angel of music? ;u;
I'm super weak for this kinda fall/catch you pose... -chef kiss-
#Sun Haven#Claude#ok that line is so corny but also feels like Claude may blurt when overly excited!#i had so much fun with the poses! and Aryllin's hair xD#for once I'm happy with my colors!#my art
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i think it's time for me to finally speak my truth and admit i have an irrational hatred of that fucking chocolate guy.
#and not in a fun 'wow i can't believe it's so realistic i'm going to be hyperbolically angry for comedic effect' kind of way#i mean i genuinely cannot fucking stand his videos and would be perfectly happy to never see one again#like! he seems nice and talented at what he does but his videos annoy the shit out of me#in general i have a very low annoyance threshold for cooking or food preparation videos#which is odd bc i love cooking and i read recipe blogs for fun. but i don't like the videos#and i especially fucking hate that highly edited/overproduced tiktok style#where you cut from footage of a whole onion to footage of a chopped onion and make it look like it happened by magic or whatever#idk why but i hate it. i find it so annoying.#my normally abundant love of whimsy and unnecessary silly shit just utterly deserts me#specifically when it comes to cutely edited cooking videos.#i also generally dislike overly fancy/fussy desserts#so the idea of someone going to the trouble of making a big sculptural Whatever out of chocolate#and filling it with little biscuit pieces and perhaps a flavoured Gel or Foam#is just so disproportionately infuriating to me#like i get that it's art and he's so good at it and a lot of people really like watching it and i'm SO happy for them to enjoy that#but i will not enjoy it and nobody can make me.
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#tw suicide#idk i feel like i am probably gonna kms after TIT#i would do it sooner but i asked one of my friends to come with me and it would suck if i made him go alone#and it is something to look forward to which is helping me hang on i guess#but ughhhh once uni starts again in september i know everything is gonna fall apart.#i already got an extension on my thesis due to being a useless shell of a person who can't motivate themselves to do anything atm#but i was supposed to get some work done over the summer and have so far done nothing#hence why i want to kms before i have to talk to my fucking supervisors again and admit yet again that i simply cannot do this 😭#and it's not just this. my executive dysfunction has been so bad over the past couple of years and it's only getting worse#to the point where i can't imagine being able to work at all. and if i can't work i can't get out of my parents house#and then what the fuck is the point.#every time i see someone on here talking about bonding with their parents over dnp I'm like damn what's it like#to have parents who actually want to talk to you DSFGJJKL i know they let me live in their house at my big age#but that's only bc id literally be homeless otherwise and they're not like evil. they just don't love me#also went through a deeply embarrassing breakup recently#tl;dr ive been in love with this person for over a decade and i thought they were the dan to my phil or vice versa.#then after 10 years they left me and i'll spare the details but it has me wondering if they ever loved me#i thought it was a “let's live together and get a cat one day” relationship#but now i feel like for them. it was just a “sex and video games” type situation#i am trying soooo hard to at least be creative bc that makes me happy sometimes but it's hard to not be overly critical of myself#and now im getting to a point where i can barely even find any joy in this space any more. for a bunch of reasons#most of which revolve around me being extremely sensitive. and this is like my last bastion of dopamine so that fucking sucks#idk i don't see the point in my life any more. a social worker actually told me recently that i should consider euthanasia so.#it's just completely over for me i fear#this is not even mentioning all the damn migraines. and all the other ways in which my body simply doesn't work properly#sorry for this weird ass vent I'm not in therapy any more bc i couldn't find a therapist willing to treat me+all my diagnoses at this point#and im scared my friends will stop wanting to talk to me if i talk to them about this. several of them already have#the 2 friends i have left anyway. that's a whole other thing. when they said it's hard for autistic ppl to make friends i took that persona#so uh at this point it's vent here or develop a substance abuse problem. and im already halfway to having a substance abuse problem#anyway dan and phil for the love of god please fucking post something tonight. unfortunately you are my only hope
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New 15/20 year (dream)plan:
-Graduate my master (doable. Doing it.)
-Find a good paying job in exploration (I can go in the middle of nowhere for you. I WILL if you pay me <3 I'm good at rocks <3 send me to Antarctica or Greenland for you I am begging on my knees)
-Buy a house (I really want a house of my own sorry)
-Save (?? In this economy? I can certainly try)
-Get a degree in mythology or adjacent subjects (while working?? Maybe?? Hard but might as well give it a shot if things go right), my true great passion
-Leave exploration once I'm too tired to go on big adventures and find a job in my second field, going on smaller adventures in archeological sites. Maybe teaching? I'd like to teach tbh
-Idk, live long and prosper and learn new languages I guess
(Please note, I am NOT American. This is thought for the country I currently live in, which is not the us, but in Europe. I am also being overly optimistic.)
#listen. I went from “I never wanna study again in my life” to “I need to get a second degree” and I'm still shook myself#I'd be very happy with just point one half of point two and point tree in the same time span#this isn't a “get all this by 35” plan. I'm almost 30. I'd ideally be like 50 once I finish this list and it's fine tbh#I wanna get old and so cool things#and have a house#I can't stress enough how MUCH I want a House#big dream tbh#is this a joke? no. But it is overly optimistic. I just want to be optimistic about life for once. One can always dream#I just want to dream of a nice life and maybe having a plan for it will idk help me go in the right direction#I am very patient. I can wait for things to go my way.
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