#I'm not okay with 'he's complete shit and you should feel ashamed for liking him' *proceeds to tag the post* like DUDE NO hahaha

[ndostairlyrium]

I really should draw a hair chart for Cullen shouldn't I

I've drawn him in so many hairstyles I'd need three hands to count them lol

[34saveme34]

SMG4 sim review + Idk things funny

this is gonna be. unorganised. witness !

he sleeps with starving pou good for him

dumb hobo knockoff.......... where have I heard that before...........

interesting he's getting called a knockoff though!

some violence today I see!

he barely just woke up and is already going right in to Meme

I mean, I. respect the grind but. damn

one could say.... it's going to be perfect? Huh SMG4?

Hey that's. pretty early! Uhm. wow

he's REALLY going for the grind huh?

Also I posted before the "plan out shit vs make up shit" and man I love it for him honestly, he really does feel like someone who likes to go with the flow

and I'll say his video was pretty charming! Although it is once again Hamburger. saying once again because of his phone apparently like, having a hamburger folder full of hamburger pictures. I don't remember which episode it was at this point

very intensive meme making btw. puts his whole memeussy into it or whatever. sorry I said that, I won't delete it though. you have to read it

HE IS SO INSECURE "it should be funny" BRO, YOU'RE THE MEME MACHINE THE FUCK YOU MEAN SHOULD

CMON

me for real. me when I post something stupid and wonder if people will like it. I'm so SMG4 in this moment

his number 1 hater...... even after all this time..... what is this if not true love?

okay but genuinely so interesting. He was working hard on a video and it got disliked and 3 also called it shit

Idk I'm just, whenever 4's insecurity in his videos come up, I get reminded of his little "nobody loves me unless I am meming good" episode

especially with 3 being involved here

I bet he actually chuckled once but decided to say that anyways because he doesn't want to feed 4's non existent ego

anyways the fact, the FACT that after 3 tells him his video sucks he dies?? I know that they probably weren't going for it but it really does feel like he really REALLY cares about what 3 thinks of his stuff

it's almost like he wantst to prove himself to 3 that he can make stuff beyond 3's imagination, which is, kind of gay

can.... can this be counted as him using his guardian powers? I mean, it IS meme related even if for his video

I wonder what else can he do. I also wish we could see more moves and stuff where both of them are needed. like sure, we got the wotfi 23 fusion move but other stuff we really only saw them working by themselves

forced to hold hands doesn't count because they didn't really. use their powers there so

so disrespectful to his boyfriend..... come on man. you know he is worth millions. and his kisses for you billions

also find it really interesting that he seems to be the brightest here, like lighting wise

I wonder if he got in there because he actually LOVES being involved in 4's videos. Like, nobody else did, all the other stuff were memes

it was only 3 who wasn't, which I think especially justifies his weirdly coloured outline

I wonder, maybe, he was counted as negative points because he's not a meme

or maybe it's a bit of a throwback at the idea that he can't be funny

I just love this shot. this is so me core, I'm so like this, I'm saying this all the time

this looks so cursed

also kinda funny the ice cream seems to replenish him more than a watermelon

I mean- at least his eating isn't complete wack?

into the deep pocket you go, child

Now, let me say something controversial. I think, if 4 got over himself, he would like some fanfics. like ASMRs already like, especially this type of thing he's listening to hold a cringe factor

a cringe factor outsider people also associate with fanfiction. I'm just saying, I think he would read angst fanfics. He would read them and feel really sad but would be too ashamed to tell anyone about it

This is also supported by the fact that he likes dating sims. I don't know what his exact type is in all of this but he definitely enjoys sappy, romantic stuff. All of it. If he wasn't scared of people judging him, he would be so so SO indulgent. I think this is one of the reasons he likes hanging around Boopkins. I think he might even envy his ease of showing his interests in even the most indulgent stuff without caring what others think

you should've comforted him. Anyways why are you here, there's no way that much time passed. you're here at like 7 AM. Do you just live here 3? You also said in wotfi 23 prep stream that you have your credit card linked to 4's pc!!! you're not beating the living together allegatins, 3!!!!!!!!

although really interesting he gets his stuff together over 3's comment

he lost it at 3's words, he collected his shit together over 3's words

again, what is this if not true love in plain sight?

Really loved the fnaf bit, though Mario smashing his PC was kinda Eh

especially cuz he got punished for it

can't even be attention seeking around 4 because he's just gonna freak out and call you a distraction

and he like memes all the time which means you could become a distraction to him VERY often

lowkey makes me think 3 doesn't like to bother with some stuff because of that, like i just KNOW he wants to hang out more

like CMON

hey that's his silly little music player from last episode!

the bootleg 3 plushie in his inventory!!

a little gay I'll say

what ya lookin so crazy for!!!!!!

maybe the only fans option wouldn't have failed you like the sponsorship did

I mean at least the merch worked

which uh.....

not to be like that but my mind went catboy 3

ME !!! ME FOR REAL

by the way this once again shows how fluid and stupid fame is in the SMG4 videos

or this is like a sly sign at 4 falling off again and trying to hide his insecurity!!! I don't want that

I hope that this is just a bit that doesn't get brought up again, we don't need It's gotta perfect 2 I think

anyways that's it for the episode! Overall fun honestly

would be interesting to see videos like this with other characters as well, considering it shows an insight into the character's brain

for example here, I could tell that 4 has problems and is also still quite insecure, though that's not something that can just change so easily soooo

yeah

overall real fun though I'm left desiring a normal episode

[lostfirefly]

one more sketch to feel myself better. if you are sad too, i hope this will help you too) continuation of the morning story

Catherine was lying in bed reading a book when Buggy walked into the bedroom.

"You're back! Hi!" She closed the book and put it away. "You've been out for a long time."

"Yeah, I used your pacing trick." Buggy put his hands in his jeans pocket and shrugged.

"Did it help?"

"A little."

Catherine held out her hand. "Do you wanna join? Or do you want to be alone a little longer?"

Buggy sighed, trudged over to the bed, and collapsed onto the mattress.

"Oh, my Buggy Bear. You haven't been yourself since that show." Catherine began to stroke his back. "Are you still upset? But.. My love.. Try to hear me, okay? Do you understand that different men will still sit next to me during your shows or cafes?"

Buggy nodded.

"Do you understand that I will always choose you?" Smack. "Even if someone close my eyes or gouge them out, I will choose you." Smack. Smack. "Even if someone offer me a lot of money, I will still choose you." Smack. Smack. Smack.

"And if someone offer you a cake?" Buggy chuckled.

"What kind of cake?" Catherine started stroking his arm.

"I don't know. The chocolate one."

"No, I will choose you." Catherine gently poked Buggy in his shoulder.

"And the lemon one?"

"I will still choose you."

"And the lavender one?"

"In that case.. I will think about that."

"Little shit. Can you trade me for cake?" Buggy turned his head towards her. "You should be ashamed, Cathie-pie."

"But it's so delicious. Sweet sponge cakes, nuts, lavender cream." Smack. Smack. "So.. Want to tell me where you were?" Catherine asked softly.

"Meh. Sat at the bar." Buggy continued to mumble into the mattress. "Drank beer and ate hot dogs."

"Sounds great. I bet some girls were flirting with my handsome clown." Catherine giggled.

"Yeah, there was one girl, she was ve-e-e-ery pretty. But as you can see, I had to come back to you." Buggy exhaled. "Because I thought you haven't completely ruined my life yet."

"Yay!! I'm so happy for you! You chose suffering!" Catherine laughed and kissed him in the head.

"Yeah. By the way, I brought you a chocolate bar. It's in my back pocket."

"You're so cute!" Catherine moved her hand down his back. "Wait! Isn't this like last time? When instead of a chocolate bar there were your fingers?"

"Hah!" Buggy laughed. "I remember you screamed like a baby that day!"

"You freaked me out! How did you even come up with that?!! For a second I thought you put your little Buggy in your pocket."

"Hey! He's not little!! And hey! Are you going to take the chocolate or not?" Buggy moved his butt slightly.

"God forbid you deceive me, fucking clown!" Catherine pulled a chocolate bar out of his pocket and slapped him on the butt.

"Baby, I'm not in the mood now! Maybe later?" Buggy giggled idiotically.

"Go to hell, pervert! This is for that time." She slapped his butt again. "And this is for now! Oh, my favorite! The nougat and nuts! Thank you, my love!" Catherine leaned back against the headboard, and Buggy curled up next to her.

"I don't deserve you, Catherine Elizabeth Mitchell." He exhaled, "You're perfect."

"Who? Me?" Catherine hugged him with one arm and broke off a chocolate bar with the other. "I'm not perfect, Buggy. Sometimes I get mad at you and I nag. Sometimes I get mad at myself, sometimes I cry, sometimes I boss you around too much. You see, even now I'm eating chocolate and hugging you with just one arm. Is this what perfect girls do? I don't think so. The perfect girl would be crying with you right now."

"Okay, fine, you're disgusting. The most disgusting girl I've ever met." Buggy broke off a piece of chocolate.

"Hey! That's mine!" Catherine slapped his hand playfully.

"Well, you're definitely disgusting girl. You even begrudge me the chocolate bar. Horrible, horrible woman. And I don't love you. And that's why I brought you this." Buggy took another chocolate bar from his other pocket and gave it to her. "Here."

"Another chocolate?! Thank you!!" Smack. "And I don't love you either, by the way."

"So we both think you're disgusting, and we don't love each other?" Buggy kissed her in the shoulder.

"Yes!" Catherine laughed, biting chocolate.

"But we'll still stay together and continue annoying each other?"

"Yes!"

"Not bad." Buggy chuckled. "Cathie-pie."

"What my Buggy Bear?" She started stroking his neck.

"Can you make me pancakes?"

[mamawasatesttube]

The 13 "you're safe, I promise" with Lois and Kon.... 👀

Kon can't breathe.

Well—that's fine. He's Kryptonian. He doesn't need to breathe, anyway. And besides, he can breathe. Kinda. He just can't do it very well, but that's fine. He's fine. It's fine. He doesn't really need to breathe. It's fine.

Boiling water splashes over the rim of the mug all over his hand; it doesn't really hurt, but he still hisses and jerks the kettle away on impulse. Shit. He's supposed to be making a cup of tea, not spilling hot water all over the kitchen—

"Conner?"

Fuck.

"Oh, hi there, Lois!" Act natural! Act natural! Is leaning on the counter and crossing his arms acting too natural? Is there such a thing as acting too natural? "Didn't, uh, see you there! What brings you to this fine establishment? ...Kitchen? ...Room? At this hour of night?"

Lois, standing in the doorway, raises an eyebrow. "You have superhearing."

Kon snorts. The flutter of anxiety in his chest swells. "Well, that doesn't mean I always use it. C'mon, you know I'm dumb as a rock, Lo."

"Right. And I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed."

Lois steps into the kitchen properly. Kon watches, horrified, as her eyes fall to his hand and the mug and all the spilt water; she's going to know something is wrong, but—nothing is wrong. Nothing is wrong. There's nothing to know. But she's going to know anyway.

The worst part is, since it's Lois, she'll know exactly what's up even if he cleans it all up with superspeed. The sudden movement will catch her eye. The subtle changes in the environment. She knows what it looks like.

"Conner," Lois says, and Kon knows the jig is up. "What's going on with you?"

"Nothing!" Kon nudges the mug away from the edge of the counter. Steaming water sloshes over the side onto his hand again; Lois winces, but Kon just wipes it on his shirt, not caring. "I just, uh... you know. Nothing. I'm chill. Cooler than ice cold. You know."

Lois gives him a look. Kon resists the urge to bury his face in his hands.

...His hands. They're shaking.

"Hey."

Lois, apparently, notices that too, because she steps closer, and then she's holding his hands in both of hers, her thumbs rubbing gently over his knuckles. Her hands are so much smaller than his, so delicate, and yet... it's kind of nice.

"It's okay, squirt," she says, her voice gentler. "Talk to me. Something's clearly eating you. Everything alright?"

Kon looks away, at the kettle sitting on the stovetop, and feels shame twist in his gut. "I... yeah, everything's fine. Just... you know. Nightmare, that's all."

Lois's face softens even further. It's not an expression Kon is really used to seeing on her; everything about her is usually sharp, sharp, sharp. But she's nothing but kind as she squeezes his hands. "Oh, kiddo. Wanna talk about it?"

Kon laughs against the tightness in his chest. "I mean, you know, it was nothing special, just—you remember that whole thing where I died once, so... yeah! What else is there to say?"

He tries to laugh again, but the memory of the dust and smoke clogs his chest, and it dies in his throat. Fuck. Everything still feels shaky and unsteady and—

Lois pulls him into her arms.

She's a full head shorter than him, and her frame is much more slight, and there's no way she should logically be able to offer him nearly as much solace as she is, and for a heartbeat Kon is completely, utterly frozen in her embrace—

And then she rubs his back with a firm hand and murmurs, "You're safe, kiddo. I promise."

—and time begins to move again.

Kon squeezes his eyes shut and slowly, slowly sinks against her, his hands coming up to rest tentatively against her back. Her heartbeat is loud, steady, and slow in his ears, and the rush of blood through her veins is a steady white noise to drown out his memories.

He takes a breath.

"That's it," Lois encourages, and rubs his back again. "You're okay. You're okay."

Kon lowers his head to tuck his face into her hair. He should feel ashamed, and he knows he will later, but right now, the comfort is overwhelming enough to banish all those thoughts from his mind, and he just... stays.

"Thanks, Lois," he mumbles, finally, several seconds later, when he can bring himself to withdraw.

Lois pats his shoulder, smiling. "Hey, don't sweat it. Anytime. After all," she says, "What else is family for?"

Then she turns to add milk and sugar to his tea, just the way he likes it, and he thinks he can breathe a little easier after all.

[jaozendry]

"Don't worry, I'm here for you."

Pairing: Garfield Logan x GN!Reader

Type: Fluff

Warnings: swearing, mild angst, self-harm

Summary: Garfield notices as you struggle completing homework due to lack of motivation. He decides to help you with said homework and catch up a little. He wants to understand what's troubling you.

______________________________________________________________

It's 11 PM, everyone in the Titans Tower is already sleeping, except you. You're already behind in assignments and you're wondering if you can even complete anything before tomorrow. As your pen dances around your math homework and sweat drips on your forehead, you hear footsteps coming towards your room. Someone knocks on the door: It's Gar.

"Hey Y/N, you ok?" he asks as he opens the door. "I just heard pounding from my room and was wondering if something happened."

"Yeah, it's just, you know, homework and shit." you reply, admitting defeat against the math sheet standing in front of you. "Algebra, is it? I can help, don't worry."

As the green-haired boy sits next to you, he notices the giant bags beneath your eyes and the red marks on your arms. He looks up to you, concern welling up in his beautiful eyes. He knows it's not the right time to talk about it, nor do you have the patience to at the moment. He smiles faintly and begins reading through your paper.

______________________________________________________________

It's been almost an hour since he started helping you and you have yet to understand a single thing. He had to wake you up by running his hand through your hair in a very calm and understanding manner on multiple occasions before you woke up and apologized softly. He doesn't blame you for falling asleep during his explanations, he knows how much effort you've been putting in today, especially during training. Dick thinks you've been falling off a little bit lately, so he practically doubled your training sessions. Gar tried to talk him out of it, telling him it was insane and that you had school, but he wouldn't listen to reason. This drastic change led you to where you are now, unmotivated and constantly falling asleep.

"So, this is basically how you do number 9. Do you get it?" he asks after checking the time. You don't respond and your eyes start welling up from fatigue.

"It's almost midnight. You should take a break." he suggests as he stands up.

"A break?" you ask, your voice breaking. "I can't take a break, Gar. I have two late assignements, three more pages of algebra to complete for tomorrow and an exam next week! And I have yet to understand anything! I've been falling asleep during class because Dick doubled my fucking training! I don't understand anything, do you get it Gar?! I can't focus, I can't do anything these days!" You hide your face with your hands, ashamed as to what just happened.

Your boyfriend sits down again and takes your hand, caressing your scarred arm. He looks down at it, tears dwelling up. He looks at you again and hugs you, telling you it will be okay.

"Look, Y/N, I can do your homework for tomorrow. I'll talk Dick out of it, I'll even force him to stop giving you more training if I have to. I'll get Rachel and Kory on my side. I'll help you understand algebra, I'm pretty good at it. We'll spend time together every day. On the other hand, I would like you to promise two things for me." he tells you, his voice breaking slightly and wiping his eyes. You nod as he wipes the tears away from your eyes.

"First off, I need you to sleep properly. I can't have those bags ruin your beautiful eyes." he says, earning a giggle from you. "Secondly, I need you to stop doing... this... to yourself." he explains while looking at your arm again and holding your hand tight. "Promise me?" You nod in silence. He kisses your forehead and stands up to leave. You stop him by calling out his name.

"Can you lay next to me until I fall asleep? I just... need company. Please." you ask. He agrees and you feel your heart skip a beat. This is the first time you'll be sleeping together since the start of your relationship.

You close the light on your desk and jump onto your bed, exhausted. Garfield sits next to you. You decide to lay your head on his leg while he runs through your hair and scratches your back. This is the most relaxed you've felt this week, maybe even this month.

"I love you." he says.

You reply softly:

“Me too."

[tvuniverse]

Listen i just want to preface this by saying I don't even personally hate Tommy, but that's not really the point i want to make so here goes nothing.

The way a lot of people act as if it's impossible to dislike him because the characters have moved on so so should we, right? and that's the thing right here, as poc we're always being told to move on. We can't express our feelings, we can't hold grudges, we can't complain about issues without making it something more than it is, we always have to just... move on.

I know people are going to say it's just a show, it's not that serious, but the issues it touches on and the way fandom speaks on those issues are.

I've seen a lot of comparisons between Tommy and other mains, how each of them are flawed and have screwed up one way or another, and you're right, but it's still unfair to compare him to them. We've seen each of the main characters experience guilt, or be ashamed of their action, we've seen them apologise, put in the work to actually grow, and they have. There's not enough time in an episode for us to see that for side characters. In this case, Tommy didn't do any of the above and that's normal, he was a plot device to show some very real societal issues, and especially what people of colour/women might go through in the workplace, and once he served his purpose he didn't get much more beyond a few scenes where it seemed like everything was fine between him and chim/hen. It would be more appropriate to compare him to the buckley parents, (who appeared in more or less the same amount of episodes) like if people suddendly started saying no one is allowed to hate them because they got their redemption, their kids more or less forgave them, they more or less tried to be better parents. And yet it's still not enough for a lot of people, because how they treated their children, the shit they've said to them, hits a little too close to home for a lot of people and so no matter what the show says or does, they'll still be mostly hated by the audience, and that's more than okay. But if margaret buckley is your favourite character than by all means be my guest. And listen, i love this show, it's all about hope, and it means everyone gets a redemption arc, as short as it is (sometimes even just a sentence lol), but we won't always be satisfied with these arcs, especially if they don't feel proportional to the hurt the characters may have caused to our mains, so we'll all have different reactions to them.

I swear liking a morally ambiguous/grey character says absolutely nothing about you, but making excuses for them, antagonising people who might dislike them (for good reasons) or acting like suddenly triggers don't exist for people, does say something about you. One of my favourite characters is literally the worst person ever, an actual bigot, but i won't ever write essays about why people are not allowed to dislike him actually because he's my babygirl.. i very much understand why people would.

All of this to say, everyone will have different opinions about Tommy. Some might love him, some will be completely neutral or at worst slightly uncomfortable/bothered by him, and some will straight up hate him, and all of these are fine. Live and let live, love whoever you want to love, and hate whoever you want to hate, but please stop trying to dictate how others should feel, i'm begging. And this really does go both ways.

[v-67]

6:35 7th January, 2024

Completed watching Fruits basket

And I'm all🥹❤️❤️❤️

I'm also all😭😭😭😭

Yesterday when I saw the episode and I stopped at there to go to sleep

I woke up feeling like I never should've watched this anime, because of the way it made me feel, it made me feel so much and I worried about Kyo being in any way related to Kyoko's death

I didn't want that, and so I worried, and I woke up feeling too much, I thought, yes maybe I should've never watched this, it makes me feel too much

But I did, I continued watching it

And I'm glad I did

And in a way, isn't this show exactly about it?

Don't stop halfway, don't give up, whatever the outcome is, we are ourselves, and we have to accept it

A bad situation is a bad situation, but we can accept it, we can look for the good within it, we can hug our fears, we can choose to do something about everything and do it

Locking away our feelings is the same as locking away a part of you, you might feel trapped, because you trapped a part of yourself away from you

So shouldn't we welcome all of ourselves, and embrace the parts which we want to lock away, because everything needs love, and all of you. Each and every inch of you is deserving of this love.

I love myself, and I accept myself. And I hope that everyone and everything finds themselves and the happiness that awaits them.

I'll make a note of all the words from the show that I hold dear to me, and post them.

I want to remember how this show made me feel

The feelings I feel may fade into the background

But I'll always remember feeling so strongly

I'm happy for everyone

For all of my fictional characters, for the real ones too

And everyday, I'll strive to be a better person, to others and to myself.

Thankyou❤️

....

One more thing

I always decline when someone talks shit about themselves, but I've realised that me doing that isn't a good thing, it's my way of keeping a positive approach, but sometimes people want to hear about things as they are, and maybe I should do that and listen and understand and still be able to say, "It's okay if it's this way, but it's in your hands to do something about it, I'll be here to help, but you're the one who has to take a step further"

I've also realised from this anime, that I'm always scared or embarrassed to say the word lonely, it feels wrong, I feel ashamed even, it feels pathetic. But it's a feeling and it's okay to feel this way. At times like this, I've to reach out and everything will start feeling okay

I will hold on to these words, the poetic beauty, this anime, this feeling it made me feel, for as much time as I can🫶

....

When I found out Tohru was hurting as well, when she spoke about how she's not pure too

When she was lonely, when she went through things too, how she shut away parts from herself

I felt, something. Frustration maybe? More of sadness, a feeling of misery, a feeling of why. Why did she feel all of this, why. But not in a way of feeling sad for Tohru, but a way of madness, of feeling like, You can't feel this way.

And I wondered about myself. a lot at that moment.

Tohru to me looked like a happy person, a person who cares about everyone, is a friend, a mother, a family member. And resonating back on what I felt, I feel like I looked at Tohru as a character in that way. And when she broke, it felt like something that should've never happened. Because that is how I see the elder people in my family, the ones I love. So much. I can never imagine how I'd feel if I ever saw them crying, hurt, heartbroken. I don't ever want to see them feel this way. But if ever, such a thing happens, I want to be there, to repair such feelings.

I once saw my uncle almost cry, and I don't ever want to see him like that again. It stays within my mind and my heart clenches, because to me he is a strong mountain.

When she spoke about her feelings, and when she told Akito if she's pure then so Is Akito, I understood a little better of the way I felt

of the things she felt

Of how all of us are human

And how all of us feel lonely

How all of us need love

And how all of us, are all of us

....

I wasn't planning on writing this much

But, I'm glad I did

Thank you, for creating such a beautiful anime, such wonderful characters.

I'll always be grateful.

One of my most favourite lines from this anime amongst many is 'She reacts to my emotions with hers.'

I react to your emotions with mine, you may feel different, we may not agree, but you still react to my emotions with yours, ...

I'm writing this from memory, it may be worded differently

But Thankyou, for letting me react with my emotions, for making me feel them

I'm grateful.

.....

Tohru Honda

Kyo Sohma

Yuki Sohma

Momiji Sohma

Arisa Uotani

Saki Hanajima

Kyoko san

Kazuma Sohma (shisho)

Hatsuharu Sohma

Rin Sohma

Kisa Sohma

Hiro Sohma

Ritsu Sohma

Kagura sohma

Ayame sohma

Hatori sohma

Kureno sohma

Shigure Sohma

Akito Sohma

Natsuki Takaya

Fruits basket🌻🫶

[daincrediblegg]

okay your turn if nobody else has asked: TOP FIVE JH CHARACTERS GO

... girl... how does one choose? how does one??? when there are so many beautiful boys??? ok. OK I'll give it a shot.

5. Captain Crow - The Sea Beast This film is just incredible on every front. One of my favorite concept artists worked on it (which I did not know until a few weeks ago but now that I know I feel like kicking myself because I REALLY SHOULD HAVE KNOWN THEIR STYLE WELL ENOUGH BY NOW). But I remember watching this, and screaming when the credits began to roll because WAIT?!?!?! THAT WAS JARED HARRIS??? OH!!! WHAT A DELIGHT!!! I LOVE THAT GUY!!!! (oh babygirl wait a few months it's gonna hit you so bad). He's great. I hope we see more of him in the sequel that would be great for me.

4. Hari Seldon Honestly. What a little shit. "But Egg," you might ask "If he's such a little shit why is he on here?" well. He's hot. Really I am not over how hot this dude is. I know I couldn't fix him not in a million years. But idk. Something about him always makes my brain go brrr. So he's on here. Also I just love how fucking atypically written this show is and I have a wee soft spot for asimov. They didn't have to cast Jared as Hari and make him unbelievably hot. But they did. And he's so enigmatic. I love that.

3. John Lennon Egg's love for Jared Harris Origins. I was a Beatles girlie, ok? I'm not ashamed to admit that. It was my introductory fandom experience at the ripe old age of baby, and I really ate it up. I remember going into this movie being like "oh it's some dumb TV movie about John and Paul how good can it be?" Very good, as it turns out. And having assigned myself a John Lennon girlie I literally could never get over this depiction. The mannerisms, the fucking tripped-out way he philosophizes in conversation, the softness, and ofc the old friends tension. Jared got it all. Of course I'd seen him in stuff here and there, but this was the one that cemented him as a beloved actor in my mind for me (I literally re-wound the kiss scene as well like 20 times don't judge me but that awakened some stuff in me). Been following him ever since.

2. Lane Pryce - Mad Men This dude broke me for real. I didn't get into Mad Men until college, and binged it all on my friend's hulu account. And lemme tell ya. Did NOT see his final episode coming. Did not. And it made me genuinely weep. He was a highlight in the show. He was one of the only guys I could actually say is a good dude in that show, and he deserved so much better than he got in the end. I look at him and I'm just like... leave ur wife. Leave your job. Lets just go out of this capitalistic hellscape. I want to make him Well. I will love him forever for how he just completely destroyed me.

1.Francis Crozier / Valery Legasov - HA! you thought I was not going to tie them? WRONG! I can't keep these bad bitches apart.

Francis really needs no explanation at this point. I am so actually genuinely in love with him I'm writing a whole ass gothic romance novel of a fic for him, as you all know (and which has summarily turned out a BANGER of a modern AU as well). I made a bloody self-insert oc for him. Gothic Cinema is literally my favorite genre and Francis is the most Gothic Hero of all time, honestly (well besides Valery obviously). The serotonin he continually gives me makes my meds redundant. He is my sweet husband who I love with my whole life and that's that.

And Valery? sorry you can't put a babygirl of a man like that in front of me and not expect that I would want to jump his bones like? Not only is the constant existential dread relatable, but as much as people tell him he's not brave, he IS without a doubt, and honestly, just by virtue of uttering the most iconic logline ever fucking created he deserves this spot on this list. Both of these dudes make my soul ascend in a certain way not just with how brilliantly they were written, but with how incredibly Jared executed them (for which I want to kill the academy for not giving him awards on either). Top Beloveds forever and ever and ever amen.

[cephalotyrant]

Hii *invades ur inbox with an army of one aka me*

Do you think Azul and Riddle would have any conflicts due to suffering love languages? Actually, do you think they even have different love languages?

Idk there's just something about it to me raghhh

Azul is usually the more affectionate one. He's the one initiating kisses and displaying verbal affection bc Riddle didn't even receive affection from his mother on top of his lack of friends T_T

And Riddle probably would want to try and show affection through helping someone with their studied but he rarely if ever gets the opportunity to do that with Azul, can't take Azul out on dates bc Azul makes more than him (Riddle's wealthier by family name but I refuse to believe his mom doesn't financially abuse him just look at her)

And they're both so busy so that pretty much eliminates quality timee T_T

At the same time though, let's face it, Riddle is way more kind at heart than Azul, and Azul is veryyy insecure and is shown to also be quite irritable and short-tempered behind the gentlemanly facade

And in book 6 he's also so petty and is ultimately just completely fucking incapable of just communicating his feelings (SHOCKER: NIGHT RAVEN STUDENT IS EMOTIONALLY CONSTIPATED 😱😱😱) until he blows up at Riddle who had no clue how his actions were affecting Azul so I feel lile Azul would absolutely be that one mf where you ask thwm : "what's wrong?" And they're like "no... I'm fine..." (They were not in fact fine)

But anyways I feel like I'm talking about the angst too much for someone who loves fluffy shit more than anything T_T

Imagine Azul struggling with something for once and Riddle helping him (read: forcing him to accept a spare workbook Riddle had) and Azul is just constantly trying to repay him and Riddle's like "bitch you're my boyfriend????"

Thus concludes my invasion, I will sadly have to retreat for now 😞 will gladly invade again if I witness an opportunity so watch your back (inbox) :3

I don't remember receiving this... OK OK but. I love angst goodddd I love angst so so so much it fuels me. I constantly think about Riddle failing to escape his mother's expectations and becoming a shell of himself at some dead-end hospital jo--💥

I actually did cover this in like. One paragraph in PaP. I think Azul would have insecure bouts where he asks "What do you want from this relationship?" but of course. Riddle has no expectations on accout of having very little experience with healthy relationships... he doesn't know how to respond. So he says "I want you." but it's not the soft "ahahah you're perfect as you areee I love you <3" it's "I constantly want you under my vigilance where I can see you and bask in your presence at the very least." romantic if you're a blind man bordering concerning GET TO THERAPY, YOUNG MAN.

Azul is definitely clingy, but Riddle would discover he is, too. It's weird, but he likes it... Azul is warm, maybe I should hug him more? But also, something I sometimes want to write is the days where so much as saying a word or so much as brushing shoulder feels like sandpaper against their flesh, the very idea repulsive and their only desire is to-- who knows? curl up on the floor? Which leads to the other internally panicking and yearning and just not getting it. Azul might just pettily give Riddle the could shoulder after seeing him recoil from his touch because why? aren't they boyfriends? is he suddenly ashamed of being with Azul? Is that it?

Woops. Okay back to love languages! Azul... god. Physical touch, primarily. Maybe gift giving and acts of service (at a discount) On Riddle's behalf, definitely quality time. Physical touch depending on the day. Riddle's room is debabtbly the best room out of all the housewarden's because it has a freaking COUCH. Azul abuses the perks of the bed with curtains and the couch. Bam. Quality time (working on separate things/studying without even saying a word to each other... that's just parallel play bruh.)

Words of affirmation is tricky... because yes, Azul is used to using flattery, but it's normally empty and to gain favor. So its effect, even if well intentioned...

I never thought about the financial aspect... Azul definitely has spending money, while Riddle wouldn't probably have to draft a wholeass essay with bullet points on why he's pulling money from his account. Would he even tell his mother he's dating a boy from school for months? Or bite his tongue and buy his time to tell her in person instead of in the impersonal form of a letter, even though it makes him feel guilty, so wrong. But he fears the consequences-- he doesn't want to be separated from the people he cares about again, after all.

I still think they'd have a moment to themselves one day while they're studying and Azul suddenly goes. "They used to say I was a whiny brat after I tried to tell a teacher what they did to me." like HUH.? Sudden Azul lore???

[oatmealaddiction]

I'm really glad tumblr has changed and it's not a place where people just shit on kids constantly for being children. That said I'm noticing this sentiment going around that worries me.

The sentiment is basically "Taking care of kids is easy when you just do XYZ. Parents who yell are assholes." And it sort of equates being good with children with being a good person, which to me is a dangerous idea.

Like you wouldn't walk onto a construction site and assume because you're nice and even tempered you therefore have all the tools to build a skyscraper. If you did that you'd feel like a horrible person when you inevitably fuck up, and you'd feel worse if the people trying to help you get better were calling you a bad or dangerous person.

Mr. Rogers was not good with children because he was a good and kind person. Yes he was a very nice guy, but he was also a serious professional who spent years studying child psychology, working with kids one on one in research groups, screwing up and perfecting his methods for decades on top of decades. But people don't see that, and instead the narrative surrounding him is that he was "good" and therefore it must've been easy for him, a natural skill.

Raising kids is really hard. It's a job like any other that requires time, lots of reading, trial and error, and inevitably screwing up. What works for one child is not going to work for another. You will inevitably have days where you do everything wrong, and possibly even days where you lose your shit. When that happens you need to know it's not because you're a bad person who hates children, but because you're acquiring a learned skill that's really hard. Being calm and collected and even headed all the time is a super hard skill to have. Not losing your shit when your kid bites you is really hard. Having good positive and empathetic alternatives to punishment is hard when you've been at it for weeks on end and it's still not working. It takes practice and work, and to be clear that's work you have to do, but it's not easy and if you're not someone who's practiced it before you're going to mess up.

And I think this equating of "good person" with "good parent" sets a lot of people up for failure. On the one hand, you'll have new parents and teachers who have done no reading and no preparation stepping into childcare roles and assuming because they like kids and they're nice that the job will be easy. On the other hand you've got caretakers who cave under stress and yell, or issue a harsh time out, or have a breakdown and then spiral into shame and self hatred for being a "bad person," OR WORSE completely reject any kind of advice or help because they're terrified of admitting to any flaws in their parenting/caretaking because that then reflects on their personhood. In the very worst case scenario, sentiment like this is what breaks up marginalized and impoverished families when they don't have the resources to provide for their children, or when stress takes a toll on a parents mental and emotional well-being. If they were good people who loved their kids, why didn't they take care of them, right?

So like, when we make these posts about how to take care of kids, my best advice is that we have to look at parenting and caretaking as learned skills. You practice them, you grow, you learn, and you will also fail, and it's okay so long as you keep trying to do better everyday. Seek out lots of advice, read books on the subject, take classes, and keep trying and if you feel like you're doing bad, don't be ashamed to seek out help. And for people who are trying to be better, empathy from others is always so helpful, and the community at large should be practicing that. That's what will make more positive environments for children.

[tigerplushh]

Hello, it's me again (if you can remember who I am) But I've had a bit of a weird day and I've been debating with myself wether or not to to and talk about it.

I've decided I am, but not very much. Since I'm still kind of scared that you're not in the mood to listen to me rant.

Warning here, the next few pieces of text will contain:

TW: sa mentions

If you are uncomfortable or triggered by this, please scroll away and do not read!

-----

I feel sick. I saw him today. And it was horrible. Just looking him in the eye was horrible.

I was picking my sibling up from school, and I saw him.

I was petting a cat and when I stood up, he was staring at me. In the eye, trying to work out who I am.

I had changed since it happened, different haircut, had a little bit of makeup on, taller, ect ect. So the possibility of him not remembering who I am is high.

But the face he had on while trying to find out who I was, the 2 second eye contact it scared me. Like, really scared me.

I panicked and ran down to my siblings school as fast as I could.

Scared he'd try something

I started remembering all the shit he did to me, and it kind of messed me up for the rest of the day.

I said goodnight to my best friend, but I still can't sleep

Sometimes I feel as though I'm not as valid as other people because he was younger than me.

I wish it never happened

:(

--------

By the way, if you're confused on who I am, I'm the same anon that asked if they could talk to you here :)

first off, it’s perfectly okay to vent to me whenever. Never feel scared to, ever. This is a perfectly safe space and I’ll never judge you, no matter what you say.

Secondly, I’m so sorry you had to go through that at first, and then see that person again. Its a horrible feeling and nobody deserves that, you didn’t deserve that at all. It’s a completely understandable reaction to be scared, especially to someone who’s done those kind of things to you. I get it, and you shouldn’t feel ashamed of being scared. I’m proud of you for managing to get through it and even just coming here to talk to me about it, that takes a lot of bravery to do, and it especially takes a lot of courage to open up about sa. I get the fear, I get how hard it is to deal with.

If it makes you feel better to think of it rationally, you should remember that it’s a school place. Staff, teachers, etc, should be around and would be able to see if anything was going to happen to you. Although I understand if that doesn’t help, because a lot of the time, fear stops you think rationally. Especially when it’s fear that you’re in danger- All that you have to remember now, though, is that person can’t hurt you anymore and you’re safe.

Everything you’re feeling and going through mentally and emotionally because of what the person did to you is valid. It doesn’t matter if they were younger, older, if any of your experience didn’t feel “valid enough”, your experience is valid and you deserve to be heard and comfortable. Everyone’s experience with sa is different, and that’s okay.

Again, I’m sorry that happened to you at all in the first place, and I wish I could help you more. I want you to remember that you’re loved and that people will be here for you and will listen to you when you need it. I’m always gonna be here if you need to rant or need comfort and that’ll never change.

Take care of yourself and try and get some sleep, ok? Do whatever makes you feel best, I’ll be here if you need me. Love u <33 /p (only saying that cause Ik ur secret identity, but that’s ok 💕)

[inertflouride]

Turmoils Of You- Part 10

I am desperately trying to end his fic as soon as I can, while also being completely clueless as to how should I end it. Any suggestions are most welcome in messages. Thank you.

Maybe three Xanax isn't a good idea. But it's okay. It's just Phil.

Just Phil.

"You'll stay right below my thumb until everything. Understood?"

Yeah right, 'just Phil.'

When I heard him say this, I felt like someone gut punched me like, but ugh, I can't concentrate, can't focus on anything. Even more now that the Xanny in my bloodstream has kicked in.

I feel my breathing shallow, my mind go blur and a fog appears before my eyes. In the beginning, it felt like Euphoria. The highs were high and the lows, fuck, I don't want to think about that right now.

I don't feel ashamed today. I relapsed for reasons that are justifiable. Anyone in my shoes would have done it. Plus it's not like I'm an addict. I was an addict.

"Once an addict, always an addict."

Yeah whatever. That's a load of bullshit.

Right?

Okay no. Something's not right. This doesn't feel like Euphoria anymore. I can't- my breathing is too shallow. I try taking in as much deep breaths as I can but to no avail. I put my hand over Phil's arm which makes him look at me.

"Oh you've got to be fucking kidding me!", he screeches to a halt and holds my arms with his two hands, rubbing over them to warm me. "You're ice cold, shit. Can you breathe? Just nod yes or no", he directs me, concern rooting in his eyes. I barely shake my head and continue trying to take in deep breaths, gasping in the process. Phil puts a timer for 1 minute and presses two of his fingers on my neck, trying to check my pulse.

"52?! Oh hell me? Now that you took whatever drugs you did, please tell me you have Adderall on you", he expectantly looks at me and groans, "Of course you don't!"

He takes out a box of cigarette and opens it to take out a tablet. "Come on, open your mouth". I do as he says and he pops a pill on my tongue and makes me drink water. "Now we wait."

He brings my body closer to his and rubs my arms to warm me up, occasionally taking my hands in his and rubbing them. He doesn't appear pissed off right now. It's as if all this isn't new to him. God, who are you, Phillip Hawkins? He makes me want to know more about him, more or less like a moth to a flame.

"Colville never felt this far, ever", Phil groans, rubbing his eyes from fatigue over... everything that has happpened.

Also, I think my lungs are okay now, I can breathe just fine. Speak just fine. "Indeed it hasn't", I reply back to his previous comments like nothing happened.

"Really? What is wrong with you? You're just gonna behave like what just went down, Didn't?", he sneers at me, his nostrils flaring with anger. I just shrug at him and he cusses in utter disbelief, looking just done with my shit.

I wouldn't blame him. I'd be too.

"You can't be mad at me. I'm going through a lot right now."

"And drugs aren't a solution for that", he hisses at me, speaking while barely opening his mouth.

"You don't know that!", I scream at him, done with his judgmental attitude. "I didn't give you a seat in here so you can fry my fucking brain you know".

"Yeah right. Maybe you'd have died here alone, getting high on whatever shit you took or maybe having a seizure who knows. Hacker guy would be so proud of you right?"

Anger flares through me but I find myself shutting up. What can I say? I can't say anything for fucks sake. So, all I do is huff and look outside the window.

xxx

After what feels like eternity, we reach Colville. All that time, we didn't speak much to each other. Or 'At all'. I start looking for an Airbnb as we enter the city. It's dawn now. It's a new day.

Without Jake.

"Where are you planning to stay?", Phil breaks the eternally long silence in the car, looking briefly towards me.

"Probably an Airbnb I don't know. You are staying with Angela right?", I answer him though not lifting my eyes from my phone. I need to find a lowkey Airbnb. For all we know, the FBI might come knocking at my door. I'd rather stay grounded for a few... for until Jake finds me.

"No. I don't want to burden Angie. She has already a lot going on with her life. An escapee in her household ain't the perfect holiday gift, right?", he quips back, scoffing at his own 'joke'.

"So then what? You're gonna stay on the road?"

"No. I'm staying with you. No, I don't want to hear anything. You can't be trusted with your own life. At all", he averts his gaze back to the road and starts heading for someplace. "I have a place to crash temporarily too so, zip it up".

"Oh hell the fuck no. I am not staying with you Phil Hawkins. I am definitely not sharing a roof with you, or even a building with you. Go screw yourself", I gush at him, trying to put my point across. I can not stay with Phil. That is so absurd, even absurder than- I don't know, Dan without a beard?

Phil lets out a laugh beside me, jerking me from my zoned-out self. I frown deeply at him, totally bewildered at the sudden explicit reaction. "What?"

"I guess you thought out loud. The 'dan without the beard' was funny, I'll give that to you", he giggles as he says, trying to stifle his laugh and failing miserably. Seeing him laugh evokes a little laugh from me as well and soon I join him in, rubbing my hand over my face as we both laugh out loud. "But in all due seriousness, I am staying with you. No if(s) and but(s)."

[thedevilsrain]

Ya as a Jew the Nazi shit in From Eroica with Love is very uncomfortable, with what I’ve read so far it’s not….the worst, but i would much prefer it if Aoike didn’t include that nazi shit at all (and I’m pretty sure canonically Klaus’s father was a Nazi officer sooooo -_-)

In my opinion if goyim are gonna include nazis (or Nazi analogues) in their story then they must be able to write a full page essay on why their bad and include that in the story, even if it’s just a throwaway line. Idk man I’d like to enjoy my gay led zep art thief manga without being reminded that their r ppl out their who want me dead :/

Ya sry if that got too tense ;^;

-🪺

oh i absolutely feel the same way 💀💀

like why even make klaus come from a military background in the first place, thats already making it 10 times more uncomfortable considering the series takes place in the 80s, and his father would have been an adult in the 1940s. like just make his dad be a conservative or something

the whole thing with his father is. to me. a plot hole the size of the sun, and i'm putting my whole analysis under the cut, because it's quite long, and its hard to talk about

so pretty early in the series, in ''dramatic spring'' specifically, theres this uncomfortable moment where eberbach is called a nazi, and he corrects (and threatens) the american who does it, adding that his dad was in the national defense army

so yknow. okay, fine, that's settled, thank god. you can judge me for this, but i'm not going to bother to looking that army up - as a writer, i think, you should be able to tell your audience "hey my character and his family arent fucking nazis"

and then after this, theres more than one instance where eberbach punches nazis - to show that, deep down, he surpasses the bare minimum to be a normal person

(from "glass target")

BUT then. comes the kicker. and i was reading this chapter yesterday so i might still be processing it from how wild it was

edit: forgot to mention lol, this chapter is "seven days in september", part 3

mischa the bear cub, who hates the major's guts (understandable), and has literally called him a nazi TO HIS FACE (no comment), decides that their final showdown will be in el alamein - one of the first battles in the war where the germans lost

he even makes a comment that, eberbach's dad being a tank commander himself, would be ashamed of this battle ever being brought up

and then you think ha! well mischa surely youre about to get your ass handed to you (personally i like him), because the major's dad was in the national defense army, and not, in fact, a nazi

but then the author COMPLETELY backtracks herself (and i'll dig into this deeper). and when eberbach, nazi puncher extraordinaire, sees that mischa lured him into el aIamein, not only is he ashamed, but he talks about it like it and its commander like its a tale of lost glory, instead of being a tale of, yknow, a nazi commander losing the war

(the gag with james is funny though)

he literally says it hurt his pride! he doesnt even bring up anything about being compared to nazis!

and then as if this chapter didnt give 15 consecutive blows to my stomach (and klaus' likeability), mischa was actually right - not only was eberbach's dad ashamed by the (nazi) loss in eI aIamein, klaus has constantly heard about this story since he was a child. eberbach's father, national defense army, was embarrassed and ashamed by the nazi loss in eI aIamein. eberbach, nazi puncher, got his pride hurt because he was reminded of how the nazis lost one of their first battles. end of chapter.

but, heres an honest conclusion, from yours truly. i might be mean

while i think this chapter is... mostly, fine (i really dislike when eberbach becomes much more important than dorian in arcs, because dorian really is a lifesaver), this chapter, "seven days in september" part 3, is absolutely the worst of the series

at best, it is utterly embarrasing to do research this flimsy, and not know what 'the germans' were really doing in the north of africa in ww2, and at worst, its almost ahistorical or apolitical. notice that in most of these screencraps, and i doubt this was just a thing the translators did, its always "the germans" "the german tanks" and "the story of The General". there is literally no mention of the word 'nazi' in this chapter, even when, at least now in 2023, most of us know what ''the allies'' were doing to fight ''the germans'' in the north of africa

but, to ge back to the characters, i cant stress enough how just appaled i am at how apolitical this is, how its simply a matter of 'eberbach is embarrassed cause germans lost a battle here', and not, well, what the text says

the worst part is that like, it REALLY did not have to be like this. this could have easily been another cringe (but understandable, given how openly conservative eberbach is) scene of mischa comparing him to the lowest of the low, and then eberbach saying "ha! i'm not. fuck you"

but, for some reason i literally could not understand, aoike went with this. she went with this, and i'm 100% putting the blame all on her, because i cant tell you how easy it is to NOT make your main action hero be a nazi. because she knows how easy it is - she's done it more than once

honestly, for my own sanity, and for the sake of this character and even the series as a whole, i'm going to be completely erasing this horrible chapter from my mind and pretend it doesnt exist - i Of Course dont expect this of everyone, but to me this chapter is so out of nowhere, filled with such a big a plot hole, that i think it's easier to pretend it doesn't exist, rather than try and justify it. and i would never try to justify something like this

thats it from gio with love byeeeeeeee

[captainaikus]

Hi belle! Sorry i haven’t been interacting. School is really really stressful these days. But I’m here to give my thoughts on “Breaking Mirrors” so here we go:

I. LOVE. IT. This is coming from me who is really insecure about my body. I love it so much!! Especially Aiku’s part😭. I kinda relate to his part because I have body hair and I am kinda insecure about it. Nagi’s part was so so so cute!! It was also kinda relatable since I am also chubby and I am getting tired of it. To be honest I relate to all of their parts because I am really really insecure about myself. For Rin’s part it was very somehow straight to the point like Rin hates it when the reader doesn’t tell him what was wrong and he just went straight to 😏😏 you know. So yeah thats it hehe.🫶🏻

P.S: I haven’t read False South yet since it the first part is angst and I kinda hate that it cliffhangers with angst cause I won’t stop thinking about it so yeah hehe I’m gonna wait for the comfort part if its okay with you hehe

-💙

Tags/ trigger warnings for this ask : mentions of eating disorder, and just my experience in general - cause yeah i needed to talk about this

Blue! (can I call you blue? ) Hi!!! ٩(ˊᗜˋ)و ♡

Pls don’t apologize for not interacting here; ik life can have its stressful times but pls take care of yourself. And my doors are always open for anyone to drop in, anon or not even if you visit after a long time

So here's the thing, breaking mirrors was a theme I came up with last week, but i was hesitant in posting it. But on the other hand i wanted to make a body positivity fic for people who might be going through a tough time on the other side of the screen.

People think its gross and they don't talk about it, better to be kept under the wraps; but I decided to make it more detailed with as much description as possible- based off my experience. And i'm glad you liked it (๑ᵔ⤙ᵔ๑)

Another thing, having body hair is completely normal. Logically speaking, people from the tropics have more body hair cause the climate and temperatures are favorable, and you also need it to regulate body temperature. Why be ashamed of it if you have no control over it? ૮₍ ˃ ⤙ ˂ ₎ა (and if someone does shame you for that- fuck their opinion.)

As for being chubby- story time abt my past- i got a lot of shit from my ex and school based on how i looked ( nearly worked myself into an eating disorder, lost a lot of weight and hair and i came a really long way from there) there are times when i've thought about it and people could have been kind- so i decided to make it for someone who might go through the same thing. Even if i have a brief description of what you look like, i think you'd be stunning to look at.

( ˶ˆᗜˆ˵ )

People in general are beautiful; and your body needs you. If you don't take care fo yourself then who will right? be kind to it; give it the love, care and nourishment it deserves. Your body should never be defined by models or clothes or the things you eat - unless you have built a diet that you want to stick to or things that you're allergic to.

Speaking of Rin; ik for a fact that this guy won't sit down and talk. His logic is to fuck the insecurity out of you.(It's toxic ik but its Rin)

Ofc bb ♡ read whatever you want whenever you feel like it okay? No pressure ⁽⁽ଘ( ˊᵕˋ )ଓ⁾⁾

[piecesofreeses]

I'm Sorry, I Can't Help It

This is PART 4 of I’m Sorry, I Can’t Help It.

I highly recommend going back to read part 3!

This is an age regression fanfic! Hate will not be tolerated, so take your bullshit somewhere else.

Awsten is struggling with his mental health and turns to age regression with a coping mechanism.

After failing to keep it a secret, what will happen between him and his band mates?

DISCLAIMER:

Age regression is a completely nonsexual coping skill. It is represented appropriately and correctly as it relates to my life. Regression can be positive in many circumstances, but not all. If you are struggling with your mental health or involuntary age regression, talking to a professional is always the best choice.

Chapter Four: The Sun on His Face

In which Awsten explains the origin of his regression.

Thanks for the support guys, all the comments and kudos really do mean the world! PLEASE read the trigger warnings in this chapter, because we really get into some childhood trauma. If you feel the need to skip this chapter, that’s okay! You’ll lose some character backstory but you’ll still be mostly in the loop for following chapters. 

I was listening to Bags by Clairo when I wrote this and I think you should too, but I can’t say they are totally connected by actual content, just vibes. 

TW: Discussion of childhood (14) sexual assault, discussion of past rape by deception, swearing, past cheating, discussion of PTSD, discussion of being called “stupid” while regressed, mild sex jokes

“So,” Geoff says, “You’re allowed to call me Dada, does that mean I can call you cute names too?” Awsten blushes at the mention of calling his friend Dada when he’s regressed, but recovers quickly.

“Yeah I guess. What are you considering?”

“I have a lot of ideas. Should I just list them?” Geoff laughs.

Awsten responds and Geoff can hear the eye roll in his voice, “I mean yeah, sure, go for it.” 

“Baby, bubba, bubs, sweetheart, little one, honey–”

“You already called me that,” Awsten cuts off the list.

“It was an accident! I was panicking!” Geoff says, exacerbated. 

“Yeah, yeah. That’s enough you can stop. Those are all fine and I’m sure any other shit you come up with will be too.”

“Can I ask how this started happening?”

“My regression?” Awsten tries to clarify.

“Yeah,” Geoff confirms.

“Yeah that’s fine. I mean I’ve gotta share so you can care? God, that was bad. Sorry,” Awsten says with a laugh. “I think I was maybe ten when it happened for the first time? That's kind of silly I know – a ten year old regressing even younger – anyway, I would just get stressed out, like the whole world was just way too big and I was way too small. And that's what would happen. Then I would all of a sudden be way too small. I didn't know what it was but my words wouldn't come out and I would feel like I was shrinking in on myself. When I was younger, it was all involuntary.”

“Not always now?” Geoff cuts in. “Oh shit sorry. I interrupted.”

“No it’s okay. Yeah I can do it on purpose sometimes. If I feel like I need it. I couldn't always do that because I didn't know what was happening before. I used to be so ashamed because I had no idea what was going on with my head. I would just get all fuzzy and feel stupid,” Awsten tries to explain. His eyes go soft and Geoff can see him remembering something.

“My mom is wonderful, but I’m thinking back to being thirteen years old at an amusement park. It was so late and I was so hungry and so tired and I just couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't get my words to come out right, so I guess I was kind of ‘baby-talking.’ She kept asking me questions that I knew I should know the answers to, but I was stuck so deep inside my head. She told me to “stop pretending to be dumb,” and it’s always stuck with me. It hurt so much because I knew the age appropriate part of me was in there somewhere, but he wasn't in control and there was no one who could tell me why. Even if there was, I don't think I would've asked. I was far, far too scared they would laugh or that I was permanently fucked up in some way. I guess I am, but I wasn’t ready to hear it when I was thirteen.”

Geoff almost wants to cry listening to the story. “Awsten. You’re not fucked up.”

“It's okay, Geoff,” Awsten scoffs. “I find it comforting to call myself fucked somehow, I think. It'd be hard to explain but I’m sure if I said that in an interview there would be people out there who knew what I meant.” Geoff just listens, sitting quiet and hoping the younger will continue. 

“When I was 14, I came across agere content on the internet for the first time. I knew it resonated, but I didn't want to encroach on a community I wasn't sure I was apart of, so I convinced myself I related the same way I would comment “same” on a TikTok of a piece of bread falling over, but soon after that, I met my first boyfriend and he regressed too. He was already well aware of what it was, so when it happened around him the first time, he took care of me and then after basically smacked some sense into me, telling me what was going on. The first time it happened was actually in our math class. I remember crying on the floor in his lap while they were going over systems of equations. That boy was an absolute piece of shit, but he never did fuck with my regression. I don't think I’ll ever be able to forgive him for what he did, but I’ll always be grateful he didn't hurt me while I was small.”

“Awsten…” Geoff fights against the cracks in his voice. “I am so sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry. It wasn’t you,” Awsten replies matter-of-factly. 

“Awsten? Can I ask what he did to you?”

It seems as though there may even be a glint of a tear in his eye as Awsten responds. “He was older. He didn’t… he didn’t do anything I didn't want– at least at first, but he lied to me about a lot of it,” He says quietly. “He didn’t listen when I told him he was hurting me during… things. I’m still not sure what to call what he did to me. I just didn’t want to lose my virginity to a hookup, so I made him promise he was going to stick around, but he was cheating on me the whole time.”

Geoff waits because it seems like Awsten has more to say. He does, but he continues just barely above a whisper. “One friend called it ‘rape by deception.’ I just– I feel like that’s too strong of a word for what happened, but anything else just discounts what he did. I have fucking PTSD from it, it must have been something.”

“Honey,” Geoff says. He stops after just the one word though, unsure how to continue. 

“It’s okay, Geoff. It’s been twenty years. I can get over myself. God, I’m sorry about this fucking tangent. you just asked how i started regressing.”

“I knew that might be a charged question, Aws. It's fine. Go ahead,” Geoff tries to reassure.

Awsten wipes any hint that he may have cried away and shakes his head as if trying to clear the thoughts. “After that, I regressed a lot. I couldn't help it. It happened for hours each day as I just tried anything to be okay again. Sometimes, it would happen in class and later I would find little drawings in my notebooks or chemistry notes that appeared to have been taken by a five year old. Since then, it just fluctuates. When times are tough, it happens more and it’s more likely to happen involuntarily. When things are okay, I don't need it as much. If I just want it, sometimes I’ll regress intentionally. That can be nice sometimes,” Awsten seems to finish.

“Oh wait,” he starts. “I wanted you to know you're the only person who's ever known about this other than that boyfriend.”

Oh my God. He must’ve been terrified when I found out originally. I can't believe he's letting me be his carer after what happened. Fuck, I’m never leaving this motherfuckers side. 

“Oh Aws. Thank you for trusting me.”

“You got it, man,” Awsten jokes. “Seriously though, thank you. The way you held me? I think you healed half my childhood trauma just like THAT,” he snaps his fingers and chuckles.

Lost in thoughts, Geoff asks another question. “Have you ever written a song about it?”

“Man, you're full of questions today,” Awsten teases. “I think I've referenced it, but never in a way you couldn't deny. In Peach when I say ‘hating myself for needing someone so bad and feeling dumb dumb dumb dumb?” Yeah, that's sort of about being clingy and desperate when I feel small. I think I talk about it a little in Hawaii? Yeah, yeah it's some line about feeling in slow motion or something. I think if the fans knew, they would think some stuff like Fruit Roll Ups or some shit is about it, but it’s not. I definitely write about it in ways people wouldn't notice or expect.”

“You know I’m going to start watching out for it now, right?” Geoff says.

“Yeah I know because you're a little bitch,” Awsten snaps back.

Pretending to smack Awsten in the back, Geoff laughs out a “Says you!”

Sarcastically, Awsten drags out the bit. “Okay, okay. How do you cope with your shit then, Geoff? If you don’t mentally return to the state of a child, how on earth are you dealing with your feelings?”

“Actually? You,” Geoff replies, slamming the door on any humor lacing their conversation. 

Maybe I shouldn't have said that. 

Processing what his best friend just said, Awsten watches how the sunlight strikes his face through the translucent curtains in their hotel room. He looks soft. He looks like there should be hands cupped around his jaw and a thumb stroking his cheek. His hair looks like someone should be running their fingers through it.

I wonder what runs through his head as he thinks about me, Geoff thinks as Awsten stares. Geoff watches how the sun hits the back of Awsten’s head and makes the rays filter through his colored hair. It makes the unruly bits appear to glow like embers and the fluff in the front casts pale orange onto the white hotel sheets.

It feels like hours they just sit and look at one another, but in reality, it's only seconds before Awsten responds. “I’m glad I help. I want to be there for you, you know.”

“I know,” Geoff says softly as he reaches a hand up to smooth the tufts of Awsten’s hair down, unable to resist. “After the shows on those few nights when you just talk and talk? I love those. I just get to sit back and listen. I love listening to you, Awsten. It gives my brain a break, I guess.” He tries to say it jokingly, but the truth shines through. Geoff knows Awsten can tell he wasn’t fucking around. “I really loved caring for you too. It was nice to feel needed.”

“It’s really not annoying? I understand that you care about me and you might do it anyway, but you genuinely enjoyed it?” Awsten questions almost incredulously. 

Geoff smiles. “Yes, Aws. I really liked it. You’ve got such big stuff going on all the time. It was so nice to see you relaxed and calm. Seeing you melt into my lap when I was holding you? You looked so at peace and I don't know if I’ve seen you like that since we were teenagers. And I could fix all your problems. You have no idea how much I hate when I know you’re dealing with something and I can’t do shit about it. When your biggest problem was wanting something in your mouth and I just needed to help you put your thumb in your mouth and you’d feel better? It was so great.”

Awsten’s eyes widen briefly before he gets it under control. “Jesus, that's embarrassing for me.”

“Yeah, yeah. You're cute small!” Geoff says and Awsten makes a whole show of his aversion to being called cute. 

“You’re worse than the fans calling me babygirl!”

“No, that's hilarious.”

“Oh you motherfucker,” Awsten shoots back. Then he pauses. “Do we need to get on the bus?”

Geoff checks his phone to find messages from Jawn, Lucas and Otto. “It appears so.”

Awsten laughs and flops back down on the bed. “Fuck, man!”

“Awsten! Why are you laying back down? We need to go!

“Carry me?” Awsten jokes, batting his eyelashes. 

“And you wonder why they call you babygirl,” Geoff responds, rolling his eyes. At that, Awsten drags himself out of bed and throws on a back tank and some gray jeans. “You’ll kill the fans if you let them see your arms, Awsten. Don’t you have any sympathy for them? They might not survive.”

“I know man! It’s hilarious because Jullian can perform shirtless and none of them bat an eye and as soon as they see my arms we’ve got people unconscious in the pit,” Awsten adds.

“Okay,” Geoff continues. “They definitely bat an eye when Julian takes his shirt off because I bat an eye when Julian takes his shirt off.”

“Geoff! Dude! Since when do you say that shit!?” Awsten yells, losing control of his volume while throwing his things into a bag to bring down to the tour bus. “I’m telling him you said that. No. Better yet, I’m going to tweet that you said that.”

“Go for it. You’ve ruined your credibility after tweeting that I was drawing selfcest of you and soulsucker,” Geoff quips. 

Awsten dramatically glares at the floor. “Damnit. If it isn't the consequences of my own actions.”

“Hey assholes, hurry it up, we're all waiting on you,” comes Jawn’s voice through the door. Sharing a glance, the two hurry out, Geoff apologizing profusely and Awsten explaining graphically the kind of sex they were [not] having with the utmost dramatic sarcasm. 

Geoff listens to the jokes and walks just a few steps behind, just content to watch how awstens mouth curls when he laughs at his own jokes. 

I’m screwed.

Two updates in 24 hours? I'm spoiling you guys!

Love you all!

Reese

[tohokuu]

babe what happened… are you okay?!

okay so before i start, i come from a conservative pakistani muslim household. it's the kind of place where wearing shorts to bed make it look like you probably fuck around with guys.

i went to pakistan last summer and have a lot of my cousins on snapchat. i barely use snapchat but every once in a while, i post a selfie or an update on life or something. anyway, i felt really pretty yesterday and i posted a video of me.

thing is, i was wearing a black tank top and a thin hoodie on top but my breasts are big so my cleavage was out and i took the video from a high angle so you can def see stuff but it wasn't anything super bad.

now i have 3 diff snap stories. a public one, a main one and the private stories. the private story is obviously cfs only. the main is my entire snap but it excludes all my cousins and the public one is for literally everyone. whenever i post, i post on the public one but yesterday bc of my clothes, i posted to the main so my cousins wouldn't see it. but somehow my cousins werent fucking blocked off the story and a few of them saw it. some of my cousins are cool and some aren't. two of them screenrecorded it. i honestly completely forgot about the post until my mom barged into my room at 4 in the morning shoving her phone in my face.

it was a whatsapp chat where my uncle (dads older brother) sent it to my mom and my dad. he sent my mom a very angry voice message about my upbringing and how my mom should be ashamed of herself for raising a daughter like me. my uncle and my dad don't have the greatest relationship but me and my uncle get along very well. he loves me very much and so do i. its just that im so ashamed that he saw that kind of picture of me. i always dress very modestly when i'm in pakistan and whenever i post a selfie or something.

what's crazy to me is that he sent that shit straight to my mom and dad... my mom saw it this morning during fajr prayers and she deleted it off my dads phone so i don't believe he saw it and i also blocked my uncle off my dads phone so he doesn't call him.

i talked to my cousin and asked why she screenshotted and she said it was so she could ask me to remove the video because it wasn't decent. i was so stressed the whole time and i apologized so much for what i did and i begged her to calm her dad down and delete the photo off his phone and to not call my father about it. i have uni coming up in a few weeks and i truly do not have the money to pay all my tuition myself. like my dad, my mom and i are all joining money together in order to pay. if my dad finds out about this, he might marry me off, send me back home and marry me off, cut contact w me and kick me out or he might just kill me.

there isn't much to be shameful abt than the fact that my uncle saw it... my uncle and aunt are huge gossipers and even tho i dont feel as though she would go around and tell people this kind of stuff, she's also not very trustworthy. my uncle is petty and likes to bring up bad things into random conversations. i begged my cousin and she calmed me down and all but i dont trust these people. my aunt told my mom that it's okay and i made a mistake and i realized it and she also told my mom that i had expressed my shame regarding my uncle seeing it and he was very happy that i acknowledged my actions. she said it's okay to love your body and be proud but there's a limit and i crossed it. but she said that she wouldn't tell my dad and that it'll blow over soon but i dont fucking believe her at all. my aunt has been my moms biggest enemy since she got married into that house and who's to say she isn't mine too?

the fact that they have this video of me at all is so so fucking bad. i could barely sleep after i saw it. my chest hurts and it feels like something heavy is on it. my stomach keeps flipping and i feel like throwing up all the time. i don't know how long this will take to blow over but this is absolutely horrible. im wishing so hard that this is just a dream and i can just wake up from it at any given moment but it isn't so i have no idea what to do. my mom hates me right now and she's angry again. i don't know if my dad knows about this. i'm just so so broken up over this. i don't know what to do.