#I'm not just being paranoid either
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Targeted ads, contact syncing, etc are the worst as a schizospec
#seriously how do we stop it from serving us ads for things people around us have searched for and vice versa???#and often i need location services on so google maps can tell me how late or on time i am#I'm sick of all this spying bullshit#I'm not just being paranoid either#also ummm contact syncing is driving me up the wall!!!#srsly considering deleting Snapchat for that and other reasons#it turned contact syncing back on and now colleagues at new job are in quick add 🤬#I'm fuggin FUMING#at least Instagram and Fb contact syncing seems to be off still?#eff these anti-privacy companies#schizospec#schizospec things#schizospec problems#privacy#privacy rights#and no don't ask me for my snap pls n thanks#actually schizospec#schizoaffective#schizophrenia#actually schizophrenic#actually schizoaffective#mental illness#mental health awareness#mental health#chronic illness#invisible disability#hidden disability#and my search history is pretty darn CHAOTIC#but yeah i just realized that the article that a woman at my group mentioned seeing the headline for#was one i had open in a Chrome tab
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caved and watched the first 5 episodes of hotd and rn all i gotta say is i wouldn't even wish the fate of being a high ranking offical's daughter/wife in the GoT universe onto my worst enemy godddd
#YES I'M MAD LATE AND I SAID I'D WATCH IT A YEAR AGO....PLANS CHANGE STUFF HAPPENS but i always kept it on my mind#my least faves so far....otto and the cole guy.#not the biggest fan of daemon either rn. well it's more like whyyyy does he love to cause problems on purpose#all of this probs subject to change except otto i'm so glad viserys called him out on essentially pimping out his daughter#my thoughts on rhaenicent omfg........not for the weak and ik it's only gonna get worse#other thoughts. mysaria. lowkey queen i cannot blame her for getting a bag when she's just been screwed over#v interesting how even viserys is nottt above the system that allowed him to be king and HAS to take a wife + have kids#bc of his fucking council...and chooses alicent which i gasped at even tho ik it was coming obvi#like it was either her or his 12 y/o cousin when he's like. pushing 40??? mid 30s??? idfk#ick all around tho poor alicent her wearing that green dress. a statement. damn.#rhaenyra they can never make me hate you...never...am i always gonna be happy with her actions.no. am i gonna defend her. probs#srsly tho it's her birthright to be queen bottom line. i liked her seeing the white stag that was nice#rip to laenor's bf he did notttt deserve that at all ik cole thought he was being blackmailed and was mad paranoid atp but bro#imagine watching your secret lover die on your arranged marriage night if i was laenor u would have to drag me to that altar#um tldr i like it i'm scared acting supurb i like the tidbits at the end where they explain everyone's actions#hotd#my text
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🐈
#ooh I have a lot of thoughts about Six and Charley and her mysteriousness and how he responds to it#but they intersect with my Six's Mental Health Thoughts which are extremely headcanony#and I know a lot of the fandom would rather just kind of wall off Twin Dilemma and assume Six's proper characterization doesn't include it#and I don't know that I blame them for that#but I like trying to make things fit together#and also there's no way to do that without probably misusing real-world mental health terminology#because (watsonian) the doctor is an alien with an alien brain and (doylist) the writers do not know all that much about psychiatry#but. at least for a bit after his regeneration he deals with paranoia right?#like that's the term the narrative uses. (and it clearly explains his attack on peri - he's perceiving her as a threat due to delusion)#& she says 'I'm not letting a manic depressive paranoid personality like you shut me up' & he objects specifically to 'manic depressive'#later in uhhhh revelation of the daleks? he doesn't tell her about a real danger#and he says 'I didn't want to burden you with what might have been a piece of paranoid speculation on my part'#again I cannot emphasize enough how much I am talking about a fictional character with fictional problems. I do not know psychiatry either!#I do not want to mislead#but one of this character's problems is that he has a badly calibrated sense of danger. sometimes he sees things as threatening that aren't#and sometimes he overcompensates for that#and I think when he first meets Charley he is really not very sure whether he should trust the alarm bells he's hearing or not#she seems deeply suspicious! but also nice? he wants to like her? but deeply suspicious!#'or am I just being crazy?' he asks himself#and so he just kind of... keeps watching her#also unrelatedly to all that I think he kind of likes having the excuse of Mystery for doing what he does anyway which is orbiting her#just slightly obsessing over his companion at the time even if he also occasionally forgets they're there#(he's just very all or nothing in everything all the time)#but yeah. you know how 11 gets about Clara and her Mystery Plotline? 6 is like that about every companion in turn anyway#so he doesn't actually mind having the excuse of Mystery with Charley#this is also why 6 and Clara is so compelling#(this was a tag essay in response to lrb but I decided it was opening too many cans of worms and needed its own post)
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I'm (mostly) keeping Purple Orange and Gold out of this because I haven't been working with them recently, but like. You have. Deus Ex Machina in the way of The Organic Is Machine And He Will Change You To Change Reality, you have Death and War and natural disasters, you have the One to Whom Soldiers Are Sacrificed In War. I'm looking at selves like...
The parts of myself I keep hidden are. all parts, because these are all ultimately halves of aspects and if you suppress an aspect you suppress the aspect... but I see the way I bleed into people. I see the Violent Mother, the one who will bleed your body out on her altar and who tears apart the bodies of the enemy to protect her hatchlings. Ive tried to stay human, but ultimately... this flesh, this soul flesh, eats human bodies. This takes human sacrifices. This tears apart countries, this drives people into psychosis, this pours revelation into eyes that either adapt to handle it or go mad, literally.
The whole part of Godhood is that you are what you are and you actively are it, you actively Be it. This - Dei - is the mergence of opposites which is in itself both the unification of opposites and the rending of similarities in one. Creation Through Destruction.
I'm constantly sitting here grasping at the shredded fabrics I have left (they're shrinking over time) of humanity and. guys. shh. the humans don't like this stuff. Guys, I'm not dancing and infecting people, I'm trying so hard to be quiet down here
#Thing is I know it's easier said than done. Next to no one who thinks ''If I show you my true power you'll explode'' is in any way correct#either because they're. like me. paranoid. Or they're completely misunderstanding that the level of ability to handle things in#spiritual places is so widely varied - you can Explode a few people from thoughts alone and then have no effect on anyone else#because if circumstances arise... well. a being can drown in a few inches of water and also resist being stabbed 10 times to#fight you off. if you even get the chance to be physical with them in the first place. But my god#That's what bothers me. I've had Thoughts Explode times and I think I forget what exactly led up to that#The old men haven't wiped entire locations off maps through allowing themselves to be themselves - or more so it's complicated#When God speaks about openings in time and gives you permission to be his guard dog and bite... that doesn't mean biting#toys afterwards is gonna have the same effect. There's entire causation and fate bodies and such that bring us to kill#Sun rays when focused into a laser melt rocks. that doesn't mean the sun can't touch skin without burning through it#This is why gods play chess: it's not a dick measuring contest. It's a who can use that dick better contest#OK thanks Lev for the insight#ramblings //#astral diary //#Astral body //#I just have shit playing on repeat in my mind constantly. I have been the apple fallen from the tree and I have seen the way the tree#impales the sky. When I'm a tree ill understand its a dance and not an impaling
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posting on here is like my sisyphean boulder i'm constantly rolling tbh
#god i am trying so hard to just have fun and be myself#but when i do that i'm immediately a strange outsider creep#and since i can't really mask my version of masking is just not talking and then obviously you don’t find any joy in fandom spaces either#i will always be a shitty unlikable freak no matter how much i pretend otherwise. it was obvious from the start that getting involved in#fandom spaces was a fucking mistake. it's always a mistake because you're some laughing stock at best and a horrifying freak at worst#i don't blame people for not liking me i've realised what an awful person i am long ago#but it's always so hard witnessing something like fun social groups from the sidelines knowing you'll never be a part of it#this is why my mental state has been deteriorating so severely in the last few months. that Realisation once again nothing fucking changed#i know it's stupid to get so upset over fandom but it's only a pattern for me#i stopped trying to be friends with people when i was a teenager because it hasn't worked a single time#this attempt at integrating myself into the wotr and bg3 fandom by sharing my shit was just one mistake#gortash/zeke is so different from anybody else’s work and i wish i could find joy in something that it isn’t fucking deranged but i can’t#like yes it’s just fandom bullshit! gortash/zeke is a fucking oc x canon ship! why am i getting so upset over it!#i love writing them. i’ve never been this happy writing anything. and it’s entirely indicative of a common pattern in my life#when i earnestly share parts of myself/things i’m passionate about people get creeped out. and honestly? rightfully so#i would leave the discord servers i’m in because it’s fucking crushing me dude. this is so petty but i’m so jealous of what you people have#but in one i am server owner and i don’t want to just dump that responsibility onto someone else and then dip#and in the other two i’m not sure anyone would even notice that i’m gone but i still worry about being rude#though i’m not entirely sure i didn’t get invited to one of those just so people could laugh at me. idk probably just being paranoid but i#it’s been gnawing at me#ok no if i’m being this vulnerable on tunglr.com i can also say that part of me staying is also still having the hope that i could fit in#one day. logically i know it won’t happen but it’s nice to have hope sometimes#watching you all from through the window having fun like a creep#so yeah. i’ve always felt like this but it’s been rapidly getting worse with my failed attempt at the bg3 fandom#idk just been crying non-stop for the last few hours. went through an entire pack of tissues in an hour it’s very disgusting#they’re all lying around me as i’m typing this like a pillowfort of snot lmao#so yeah. idk. if someone could come over and lobotomise me that’d be nice. orin where are you when we need you most#i never had any friends irl so i foolishly gave this a shot. i’m sorry#also doesn’t help that i can see someone dropping me for people that are easier to be around in irl rn#it just hurts because it’s always like that. someone you are around when you have no other option at best. not even that sometimes
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it's funny bc on the one hand i genuinely don't really care if people dislike me or find me off-putting, but on the other hand i am very well attuned to people disliking me or finding me off-putting, which means i'm constantly in this weird position of like. i can tell you don't like me for whatever reason, and i don't really care that much about it, but also this is kind of making things awkward for everybody else and i wish there was a way to stop it that wasn't just me fucking off somewhere else.
ah well.
#samtxt#i suppose i'll just have to live with it. not that big of a deal#it mostly ends up making me feel second-hand embarrassment like...#either you don't know how obvious you are being and that's a whole new layer of awkward#or you do know and you're apparently not brave enough to at least tell it to my face. blease#i'm just grateful that i've stopped trying to rationalize it into me being paranoid and now i just fuck off pre-emptively LOL#saves me a lot of grief in the long run i think!
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#i can feel my lifelong best friend slipping away gradually and it's so disorienting#i don't know if i'm just going through some kind of anxiety spike and i'm just being paranoid#but it's making me feel so anxious in every aspect of my life lmao#and it's been plaguing me for months rip#makes me switch between wanting to disconnect from everyone i love and wanting to cling on to everyone desperately#and either way it makes me anxious and want to hyperanalyze every friendship in my life#hate hate hate my brain and hate hate hate what an anxiety ridden mess i've become these past few years
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I find it kind of interesting that we have a couple of delusions (and the hallucinations that come with those) that just kind of involve gruesome stuff happening to us, especially because they weren't as gruesome at first but have gotten more so over time.
the hallucinations are all somatic ones (sensations instead of visuals or audio) but they're stuff like I guess what our brain thinks it would feel like if our organs were decomposing, or being eaten by maggots, or just stuff with a similar vibe to that?
I can put up with it for the most part, but like I did nearly throw up on the bed because of it earlier and I'd really like to not experience that again
#personal#thoughts#🍬 post#emetophobia tw#vent post#<- I guess? I mean it kinda sucks but I'm not that upset about it right now#anyway this is partly from the Cotard's delusion and partly because we also get delusions involving being parasitised#I think they're kind of linked together for us. like there's a similar vibe to them somehow#anyway the Cotard's delusion is like... it flares up every so often and gets really intense#but otherwise it's mostly just there in the background as like ''yeah that's a thing we experience'' but not affecting us that much#it's hard to explain how we usually feel about it when it's not flaring up really intensely#but at the moment it is flaring up so it's like... okay I guess this is what we're doing for the foreseeable future#idk we might just wake up later and be like ''oh never mind'' or it might flare up for a few weeks or whatever#also talking about this is wild because like I've definitely mentioned us having it but I'm still aware that everything says it's super rar#even though we've met multiple other people who have it and we had it for years without knowing it had a name or anything#but I'm still paranoid about getting fakeclaimed because people like to be like ''that's so rare. there's no way you can have that''#like idk what to tell you buddy my brain is convinced that I'm dead and that my organs are decomposing. I'm not happy about it either#being able to double-bookkeep and know we're experiencing a delusion also makes it weirder#because it's like yeah I know it sounds ridiculous and is technically impossible but my brain has decided that none of that matters#and me being like ''well that can't be true'' feels like being in denial so even though I know it's a delusion#a lot of the time it's easier to just lean into it and go ''okay sure I guess I'm dead. who gives a shit''#anyway let's see how I end up feeling after talking about this because either I'll post it and be like ''yeah this is fine''#or I'll get paranoid about being fakeclaimed or people being like ''what the actual fuck'' and end up deleting it
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Hey very specific meme hahah
#this is a problem for meee#like i'll search through certain accounts to see when the last time they blogged a dsmp/mcyt thing or if they made any posts about leaving#and i know it's not healthy i'm just so paranoid and i don't want to be alone here#because i feel like every so often another huge bit of the fandom leaves either passively or actively#and thats fine! I completely understand why some people are no longer comfortable with/like dsmp stuff#it's just i was here late and it feels like i've lost so much already just by not being in the fandom soon enough#and ough i don't want to be alone i still love the dsmp#and i want to love the ccs#it's just fuck man :(#vent#the wren hops#dream smp#dsmp#dsmpblr
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read the vgc article on all the cyberpunk base game changes that are coming with phantom liberty and tbh i'm a little nervous about how drastically it's claiming that the game is gonna change. i like how the game functions now, and there's a lot of room to fuck up my favorite game with how much they're claiming to have overhauled, with "practically nothing being left untouched"
#could cyberpunk use a bit more polish in some areas?#absolutely#does drastic change to my favourite familiar things stress me the fuck out?#also a definite yes#maybe i'm just being paranoid#but if they turn my favourite game into something unplayable for me i'll be very upset#but i was also nervous about both the nether overhaul and caves and cliffs update in minecraft changing the game enough to not be fun for me#and now i can't imagine playing minecraft without either update#so it'll *probably* be fine after a few hours of getting used to#cyberpunk 2077#phantom liberty#jonathan rambles
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Sometimes looking at art of two sibling coded characters together, who also have a rather large shipping corner of the fandom... there's always an internal battle of whether that's platonic artwork and okay to reblog, or if it's ship art and a new blocked account so you don't have to see that content.
Yall gotta be clearer and outright tag it as siblings or with a ship tag or whatever, just something
#there's this one artist I'm really wary of following#I love their art so so much!#But some of it gives me the vibes and it's uncomfortable and I suddenly hang back#But idk if I'm being paranoid or what#So I don't block either#I'm just trying to tailor my online experience here#The ship in question IS a trigger btw so I'd rather not see it in general#It's probably obvious what ship it is but I won't say#My twitter experience tells me they're like wild dogs that'll attack me for daring to mention their ship#Idk if tumblr is like that#But I'm gonna be safe!
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did you change your name i couldve sworn it was reeya
yea i did!! but u can still call me that
#I've been trying to decide between frankie or roman for over a year now#anyway I considered leaving that other name in the bio too#but there's a Lot happening at my work in terms of being illegally surveilled#and maybe I'm being kinda paranoid but i just don't feel comfortable#with the idea of people having found/potentially finding my blog#but anyway#francis is my grandfathers name and he was a well travelled musician who played like 5 different instruments#and he had to flee to australia because he got arrested for killing a r*pist#and so naturally I respect him so much for that#he was a leo too#so i was like huh. frankie... ?#and then paying homage to mr iero who I have loved for over a decade doesn't hurt either#he was in a band called the continental travellers or something it's cute#little irish guy#ask#anon
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bonking my head against desk.mp4
I wasted time on something unimportant and that I didn't even care about again!!!!! I'm gonna Lose It!!!!
#neocells#AAAAA#It's so embarrassing like how did I even fixate on something like that!!!!#I mean it was an ''organize something'' ''put something together'' and ''match things''#so of course I did#but the thing itself was not even worth it#esp not at night#esp not when it's a bad dress up feature#esp not when it somehow took up to two hours#it was so unexpected too like it was rlly supposed to be just throw something together. it was BITMOJI. on SNAPCHAT#THIS ROUTE HAPPENED BECAUSE I REMOVED BITMOJI AND PUT IT BACK. BECAUSE IT DOESN'T LET U HAVE A NORMAL PFP#I feel insane dude#I am in disbelief#like surely I read the timestamps wrong from when I last messaged the person I was talking to. surely#I thought it was 30 min to an hour at best#really ignored said person and my cat (in my attempt to Escape and finish because I could tell I was losing time awareness)#because I get paranoid if I pause and go back I'll get caught up in it again and waste even more time!! yet in turn#that makes me waste more time anyways!!!!#now my cat is taking a nap nearby.#I was going to give her attention and she gave up!! because I pushed her away in my desperate attempt to get the dress up thing over with!!#not to mention I was tense the whole time- I thought I was ''about to get up'' and not uhhh sitting here for an hour plus#I know at least... 5-10 minutes was just messing with the filters since I hadn't been on snapchat in ages so I was curious#maybe another 10 trying to figure out if the pfp can be a normal one. though there is a separate profile where u can? for some reason?#so I was being indecisive abt the pfp and background for that#even though idk if that matters either like who even sees that. how does that work#and that still leaves all the rest of that time wasted#unless the profile setting stuff was more than I thought too..... who knows at this point#could've wrote all that in the post but was already doing it here. I'm not abt to attempt to put it in the post instead
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This package is gonna be the actual death of me man...
#I just want the beloved to have package please please please-#I'm pretty sure I'm just being paranoid 😭 cause I did give it to them mid wednesday and there is a delay going on#hopefully it'll arrive in boston either tomorrow or early next week...
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TRANSLATION IS OUT SO I'M ALLOWED TO GO HAM-
god i don't know what to say though?????? i don't honestly believe that kunikida (and teruko too) are permanently dead. so i'm not as devastated as some people are over uhhh. all that. BUT IT WAS STILL LIKE........... A LOT............. AND I'M SO SCARED ABOUT THE TRAUMA THIS IS GIVING TO THE SURVIVING CHARACTERS AS WELL (looking at atsushi especially here) SO???? AAAAAAA
i'm gonna focus on akutagawa because i'm blatantly and shamelessly biased lol but the bram and aya stuff was so good too................... i'm so emo about them!!! and aya's tsundere attempt to pretend she didn't care about bram dying UGHHHHH HELP... THEY DESERVED BETTER......
but like. as you all know i've been begging asagiri to give me a bram-aya-akutagawa connection for months now so i am VERY hype to see we're getting one and i am literally vibrating with excitement over the thought of what might happen next!! I do hope akutagawa's development isn't "done" so to speak, and that he still has a ways to go going forward, but i also want the progress he's made to be acknowledged too??? i'm feeling cautiously hopeful about the way things are going though! anyway i don't want to go on too long i am just ECSTATIC OVER AKUTAGAWA AND TO ALL OF MY KUNKIDA STANS OUT THERE: I AM SO SORRY!! ;~~~~;
#ooc#bsd spoilers //#this is a ramble and i didn't proofread it so i'm sure it's a mess but whatever#i wonder if akutagawa inherited bram's memories honestly. i feel it'd make sense.#i kind of want that because i feel like it'd be cool af#but at the same time i don't want that (if it happens) to change akutagawa too drastically in terms of like????#i still want his development to come from HIM and not from someone else's received memories.......??? if that makes sense??#but i'm being WAY too paranoid there i think lol. my brain sees the tiniest possibility of something it doesn't like and fixates on it help#either way though it's a super super cool possibility to me............... i am just EYES at the upcoming chapters in general tbh!!
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can't wait to get home so i can fucking EAT
#i hateeeeeee traveling with my dad he doesn't fucking eat like a normal person so i don't get enough to eat either#like dude!!!!!! i'm sorry but one pancake and a few hashbrowns and a single slice of pizza is not fucking enough for an entire day!!!!!!#and he has the fucking audacity to get all bitchy when i'm like hey do we have any food in the car#this man brings in a fucking whole bell pepper like that's even reminiscent of a semi filling meal and acts so pissy when i don't want it#he's like oh my god i can't make you rice right now and i literally did not ask him to? like i fucking know that?? but he gets so annoyed#like i'm personally fucking slighting him by being hungry#after barely eating today!!!!!!! and he was all weird about breakfast too#WHICH i might add#we had at fucking two o clock! and i was starving and pissed about that and then he was all critiquing my food choices like his ass isn't#drinking already with his eggs like oh my god and then being like 'is that all?' he starts on 'you'd better finish your food after all that#like IVE been unreasonable by wanting to have food within the first FIVE HOURS of being awake like fuck OFFFFFFFF#ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i get mean when i'm really hungry i just want to go home and sleep in my own bed and eat my own food that i make in my#kitchen when i want it#instead of subsisting off fucking granola bars and restaurant food where there's barely something i can eat half the time#and he has the gall to act like HES the one who's really suffering from my dietary restrictions when half of its his fault anyways#kiwifae says shit#ugh i want to go out to the car and see what i can find but i know his paranoid ass is gonna act like i'm gonna get kidnapped if i'm alone#for five goddamn seconds#vent#fuck it i'm going out cuz it's that or eating the bag of candy in my tote that i really don't want and will make me feel like shit
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