#I'm not dehydrated and I've eaten food so ??????

[altruistic-meme]

my poor rice :(

[neverendingford]

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[technologyvoid]

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[textsfromthetva]

I would have made a post sooner, but I've been too distressed to even talk about this.

Mobius is sick. That's my cat, for the uninitiated. He started throwing up food Thursday night, like, a lot, so we went to the vet on Friday, who concluded he had a fever, but other than that and the nausea, there were no symptoms. So that's an infection, right? No telling where, but he got a shot of anty-nausea meds, a shot of antibiotics, and I got a box of catch-all antibiotics in pill form, and home we went.

Problem is, he kept getting worse. Cats do this thing where, when they feel a bit under the weather, they go 'guess I'll die 🤷‍♂️' and stop eating and drinking, like little drama queens. So you need to keep them from starving themselves to death until medication starts working. Friday night I had to start force feeding him, which in the case of cats means mixing wet food with water, forcing their jaw open, and using a syringe (without a needle, obvs) to squirt food into their mouth, holding their head back to force them to swallow. It's not fun for either party, and for 36 hours I did that every other hour, including throughout the night. But he continued to get worse. He was sluggish and dehydrated. I kept feeding him. No improvement. He was miserable, I was miserable, it was fucking horrible.

Sunday night we went to an emergency vet clinic, because I couldn't handle it any longer, I needed someone to have another look. She concluded that his fever had gone up, despite him being on antibiotics. This is obviously very troubling. She convinced me to pay for some blood work, just the basics, and he's insured, so whatever. I told her the Good Girl died two months ago, from FIP (feline infectious peritonitis). When she came back she looked very grim, and had brought scanning equipment. A ton of stuff was totally fine, but there was one thing, that was alarming. A number that should be over 8 in healthy cats, with 4-8 being troubling, and under 4 being 'that cat probably has FIP' was clocking in at a 3 for Mobius. But his red blood cells were fine and his organ markers were fine, so she did an ultra sound to look for fluids in his abdominal cavity, which is another sign of FIP. There was nothing. She's worried that it's just because we caught it super early.

But, we decided to proceed as if he's got a crazy infection, he got another injection of anti-nausea medication, new antibiotics, some fever-reduction pills, and an appetite stimulant that's a cream you rub on the inside of their ears, so it's absorbed through the skin.

He started perking up a lot. Still wasn't eating though. So this afternoon my mom stopped by with ten different kinds of wet food they had lying around (cat breeder behaviour), and we created a huge buffet on the kitchen floor. All my plates are in play. And eventually he started eating some shredded chicken in jelly. I don't know if you've ever cried from watching a cat eat, but I was fucking sobbing.

At this point, 12 hours later, I've had to refill the plate with that single fucking kind of wet food four times. He's almost halfway through a big can by now!

So I'm choosing to be delulu right now. I'm choosing to believe that those numbers were off because he hadn't eaten. Because he's completely back to normal now, behaviourally, and surely, surely he would not get better like this if he was fatally ill and about to die.

Anyway, if he does die I'm going to break. Just FYI.

[bellysoupset]

Wendy rolled on the bed, which was still so warm, and let out a chuckle as she heard a groan to her left. It was a little distant, although pretty loud, so she figured Vince was no longer in bed.

Rubbing her eyes, Wendy tugged on Vin's oversized hoodie so it was sitting right on her and got out of the bed, walking to the bathroom. The place was already pretty cramped and it certainly hadn't been made for her 6'4 boyfriend to drape himself on the ground, forehead resting on his forearm, which was sitting on the toilet rim.

"Ho ho ho?" She grinned, leaning against the door, "I'm gonna guess you regret all the wine from yesterday?" Wendy felt a jolt of pleasure as her boyfriend's throat bobbed at the mention of alcohol.

Yesterday had been the 25th and Vince had been delegated to Santa. Not only he had eaten all the cookies that Liv put out, while dressed in satin red and sporting a fake beard, but he had pulled out the performance of his life. Wendy would be lying if she said she didn't have a blast, watching Livia's eyes get the size of saucers as Santa guided her outside to find the pink bike she wanted, with a red ribbon on top.

Then, in return for his hard work at keeping the magic of Christmas alive, Vince had decided he could and should down two bottles of red wine as the night stretched on.

"I never wanna drink again," Vince groaned, pushing himself up and belching over the water, a thin dribble of pink puke falling inside the bowl.

"Really? Bummer, there's a merlot downstairs calling your name," Wendy teased him and Vince gagged at the thought, back curling as he heaved and brought up a bit more vomit.

"You're so mean," he whined, wrapping an arm around his bloated stomach and curling up again. He had sweat through his long sleeved shirt, the ratty fabric glued to his back and clinging to his tummy. Vince had always had a belly, but today he was really channeling in Santa, his tummy rounding out and poking out of the top.

"Yeah, I'm terrible," Wendy rolled her eyes, walking further into the bathroom and crouching down behind him, carefully pulling back Vince's hair and twisting the curls on the sides, so she could use her own hair clip to keep them behind his head, "how long have you been here, honey?"

"Uhm..." Vince groaned, burping again and pressing on his tummy, which let out an upset growl. He breathed frantically, drool dripping down his bottom lip and then heaved once more, a bigger gush of wine smelling vomit hitting the bowl. Wendy cringed, getting up to press the flush and then sitting behind him again.

"Vin?"

"Too long," he groaned, forcefully clearing his throat and spitting in the now clear water, "feels like I've been here forever and I'm still not empty."

"I mean, you did drain two bottles of wine, honey," she chuckled, rubbing his arm, "I hope you realize that's enough to kill a smaller man."

"Maybe it's enough to kill me too, because I feel like I'm dying," Vince whined, rubbing at his forehead, "my head is pounding like hell."

"You're dehydrated," Wendy sighed, getting up and going back to the room, grabbing his bottle of water, "here. Small sips."

"I'm not dehydrated, my belly is all sloshy," Vince scoffed, poking his bloated tummy and Wendy nearly fell flat on her back as his belly immediately sloshed like a waterbed. Her cheeks turned red and she breathed through the hot flash, catching just the last flicker of Vin's cheeky smile.

"You are horrible," she glared at him, "how am I going to explain to your family I'm hard because you're dying, uh?"

"There's no one here," Vince chuckled lightly, but there was no real intent behind his friendly teasing. He was feeling too much like death to engage in any frisky activity and Wendy knew it. She rolled her eyes, poking the bottle he was holding.

"Small sips, I'm gonna go grab some food. Greasy bacon?"

"UrghrkK-" was his answer, a sick belch that had him scrambling for the bowl, some red puke splattering on the lid as he threw himself against the toilet.

She sighed, squeezing his shoulder, "trust me, honey, it'll help. Keep drinking the water, I'll be right back."

Wendy pressed her lips not to laugh as she sauntered downstairs - now wearing pants - and found Sophia draped over the kitchen island, arms wrapped around her stomach. Her parents had allowed the teenager a couple glasses of wine, since Vince was going all out and Soph was about to turn 18, but clearly she regretted it already.

"Morning," Wendy said cheerfully, causing the other girl to glare her way, while Vince's dad looked up from where he was sitting in the little makeshift breakfast nook and smiled.

"Buongiorno, Wendy," he pointed the oven, "I made pancakes and bacon, suit yourself."

"Thank you... Where's Ma?"

"Asleep," Giuseppe smiled fondly, "she overworked herself yesterday, nothing more fair than to let her sleep in."

Wendy agreed, munching on some bacon. Ma had gone all out, she had made Wendy almost feel ashamed of what she called hosting, "everything was gorgeous and delicious."

Vin's dad only smiled in a proud way, as if saying yes-I-know, "where's Vincenzo?"

"Wanna guess?" Wendy chuckled, making up a plate for her sick boyfriend. Giuseppe only chuckled at that.

"He's always been a lightweight," he commented, causing Wendy's eyebrows to jump. She definitely didn't consider two bottles of wine a lightweight, but then again Vin's entire family was as tall as he was, so maybe they just had different standards around here.

Europeans, Wendy thought, laughing to herself, "I'm gonna take these for him..." she circled Sophia, "honey, eat something greasy, it's going to help."

"Don't talk to me," Sophia mumbled, her accent much more prominent than ever before, "g'away."

Giuseppe chuckled at that, gesturing for Wendy to go and not pay his daughter any mind. As she was walking out, she heard the old man tease the teenage girl as he said, "no more wine for you, piccola?"

"Babbooooo!"

Wendy was still giggling as she walked back in the bedroom, holding a plate filled with goodies. Vince was no longer crouched in front of the toilet, but he had shut the door and she could hear the shower running.

She planted the plate down on the bedside table, doing the messy bed and changing out of her clothes into something warmer and more fitting for the day. It was shaping up to be a lazy type of day with them just cuddling in bed for the best half of it, but regardless Wendy didn't want to be in her pajamas in case his parents and sisters came knocking.

Vince's phone buzzed across the room and Wendy glanced at it, but didn't bother getting it, knocking on the door of the bathroom, "are you alright?"

"Peachy!" Vince's voice was still husky as hell, but at least he sounded more like his goofy self. A couple minutes later he stepped out, a towel around his shoulders and sweat pants hanging low on his hips, shoved away from his bloated belly.

Wendy bit down her lip, "hi there," she grinned, tip toeing to kiss him, "I like your outfit."

"Yeah yeah, figures," Vince groaned, but kissed her back, before sluggishly walking to the bed and sitting down. He eyed the plate filled with food with a grimace on his face, paling a little more, "do I have to?"

"Just one bacon?" Wendy suggested, grabbing the towel that was hanging around his shoulders and starting to dry his hair. Vince whined.

"You're gonna make my curls look awful, that's not how you dry curly hair, Wen."

"Oh," she dropped her hands and he rolled his eyes at her, wrapping an arm around her waist and resting his face on her chest, since she was standing between his legs.

"You're comfy..."

"And you're sweet. Eat," she pushed his forehead slightly.

"Uhm," Vince grumbled, gagging around the bacon piece he was trying to eat and muffling a sick burp against Wendy's tummy, "the wine was a horrible idea, a terrible... Disgusting idea," he gagged again, before forcefully swallowing and reaching for his water bottle.

He chugged on the water and once again slumped against her, letting out a sigh as he felt Wendy's delicate fingers running through his damp hair.

"Your phone was buzzing, by the way," Wendy said quietly, clearly just enjoying the makeshift hug. Vince let out a grunt, falling on his back and spreading on the bed to grab his phone in his jacket, hanging on the opposite bed post. He squinted at the screen and then groaned, dropping the phone back on his chest.

"I can't read, my head hurts."

She chuckled, pushing his thigh slightly so she could join him on the bed, taking his phone and resting a hand on Vince's upset belly, rubbing it as she clicked on the notification.

"It's a text from Leo..." Wendy's voice dipped at the end, as she read Leo's words, "uhm... I don't- I don't get it..."

Leo: what is it that I hear about you leaving? As in leaving town? For good??

"What?" Vince yawned, oblivious to Wendy's frown. He had closed his eyes and planted his hand over hers, still resting on his belly, "read it to me, maybe it's a joke?"

"I don't think it's a joke," Wendy pulled her hand back from his grip, getting up from the bed, reading the text again, "he's asking if you're leaving? Leaving town... For good?"

If Wendy had any hopes of this being just a joke, they flew out of the window as Vince visibly flinched, paling at least two shades and quickly sat up on the bed.

"Wen-"

"Vince, what is this?" she raised the phone, shaking it, "why is he saying you're leaving town?"

"I'm not-"

"So Leo is lying?" she could feel her voice raising, just as her heart was starting to race, "Vince, what is he talking about!?"

"Hey," Vince's voice softened up as he got up too, closing the distance between them in two steps, "Wendy, calm down, let's talk this over, c'mere."

"Talk what over!?" she hissed, but allowed him to pull her back to the bed, where they both sat down, "just start talking already, Vince!"

"Lately, I- I've been considering... Moving here. Home, I mean..." he winced as Wendy's eyes widened and she dropped his phone as if it was burning, "closer to my parent-"

"This is why you haven't been sleeping," Wendy concluded, voice suddenly icy cold. She got up, pushing Vin's hands away when he tried keeping her close, "right? This is why you've had these huge dark circles lately and Luke- And Luke knows and if Lucas' knows, this means that Bella...And Jonah know too, that's how Leo knows," she paced the room, "so literally everyone knew you'd be breaking up with me at fucking Christmas and no one told me."

"Bre- WHAT?!" Vince exclaimed, confused, "no, Wendy, what the hell, I'm not breaking up with you! Where did you even- I'm not breaking up, don't even joke about that-"

"I'm not joking," she crossed her arms, ignoring the sudden burn in her eyes and the way her throat was closing up, "if you're not dumping me then what are you doing?"

"I'm not doing- I'm not breaking up with you, that's for sure. I'm... I'm just considering moving here, I was going to talk with you-"

"WHEN!?" She exclaimed suddenly, "when you made up your mind on dumping me!? Meanwhile, you get to have a lovely girlfriend and stay at-"

"There's no scenario where I'm breaking up with you, Wendy! I love you!" Vince got up from the bed, crossing the room again and Wendy took a step back, glaring at him.

"You just said you didn't make up your mind on moving here-"

"Yeah, but I was going to ask- I wanted us to move here together!" He exclaimed and Wendy was so shocked that for a second she stopped feeling like crying.

"You wanted me to move here? To Doveport?" She repeated, numbly, and Vince nodded eagerly.

"We could get a place together and- And my old high school said they'd love having me as- as a teacher..." He stumbled over his words, barely meeting her eyes, as Wendy glared at him, "and I looked into it and the local hospital has a neurology program and-"

"Sounds like you thought this through, alright," Wendy said, coldly, feeling her heart all but crack in her chest, "only forgot to fucking ask me."

Vince looked up, every bit like a wounded puppy, "I didn't- I hadn't made up my mind, I was going to-"

"You're not going to fucking Gone Girl me," Wendy scoffed, starting to move around the room, grabbing the pieces of clothing lying around and throwing it inside her suitcase, "you're out of your damn mind."

"Gone Girl you...?" Vince frowned, following her around, "what are you doing?" he noticed her grabbing her things, "Wendy, stop- What do you mean!?" forcefully, he took the shirt she was clutching on for dear life.

Wendy blinked against the sudden tears, trying to pull the shirt back, before giving up and shoving his chest out of sheer frustration, "did it occur you to ask me if I wanted to move to the middle of fucking nowhere to be close to your family!? No, it didn't! You were very happy going through your options, while using me as a holiday date and free bed and breakfast-" a sob came up and she pressed her knuckles to her lips, trying to bite it down.

Vince let out a little pitiful noise, crouching down slightly, "honey, honey, please don't cry, I never meant to hurt you. There was no decision, I just wanted us to get through the holidays before-"

"Before you gave me the ultimatum that either I move with you or we bre-break up!?" Wendy scoffed, fat tears running down her face, "I feel sss-sostupid, I thought- I thought we were moving in to-together," she was full on shaking now and Vince stepped even closer, attempting to wipe down the tears, only to receive a sharp slap to his hand when he tried touching her face.

"Don't fucking touch me," Wendy scoffed, turning around and zipping up her bag, "I can't believe everyone- Everyone knew, but me. I'm- You're such a fucking asshole."

"No one- I didn't talk with anyone, Wendy. Would you please look at me? Please, just let me explain, Wen..."

"Nothing to explain," she got up, dragging her bag, "you said all that needed to be said-"

"I don't wanna break up," Vince grabbed the back of her coat, and Wendy immediately grabbed his wrist, trying to get him to let go, "I love you, Wendy. I don't want to hurt you, I never meant to hurt you like this... I wanted us to talk this over-"

"Luke has known for weeks," Wendy hissed, squeezing his fingers, frothing at the mouth. She was so devastated, it was turning into anger, boiling in her stomach, "for weeks and it didn't occur you to talk with me. To ask if I- Let go of my jacket! We're done Vince, let go off me!"

"Done?" Vince's grip loosened up and he widened his eyes, "Wendy, please, don't say that. We're not done, couples fight-"

"This isn't a fight," Wendy scoffed, stumbling back as he fully let her go. She straightened up, "you wanted to go then fucking go, but there's no world where I leave my town and my- my life to follow you to this place just because you wanna continue being a momma's boy."

"You're not being fair..." Vince frowned, his own eyes welling up with tears and he followed her into the hallway. The yelling had woken up his mom, who was standing at the threshold of her door, but she didn't say anything.

"I don't have to be fair," Wendy scoffed, continuing to walk and completely ignoring him, "you certainly weren't," she was squeezing the handle of her suitcase with so much force her knuckles were white as she rushed down the stairs, Vin hot in her heels.

"Wendy, please, don't-"

"Don't you ever-" Wendy turned around, furious, tears streaming down all over again and shoving a finger in his naked chest, "dare come close to me again. Ever. You broke my fucking heart, Vince."

"Please stay," he grabbed her hand, pressing it to him, "please. Let's just talk about this."

"ARE YOU NOT LISTENING TO ME!?" this time she screamed out in frustration, causing a scene at the front door, and shoving him back, "never again."

Before he could say anything, which he couldn't because now Vince was full on crying, Wendy turned back around and walked as fast as she could to her car, throwing her suitcase in the backseat and slamming the door, driving off.

[thedomesticanthropologist]

This isn't the same as sobriety, but I've made it 8 days now into recording my food/water intake on Lifesum, which is an app I'm using to help me with my binge eating and my dehydration

I've made it 32 days on it before, last year, so this isn't new, but I struggle with consistency and I'm pretty proud to have made it this last week because:

1) I've had the recommended amount of water every single day since starting

2) I've only ripped off cheese chunks from the brick of cheese with my bare hands and eaten them naked in the kitchen at 2am twice instead of every night

3) I'm eating a few times a day now instead of nothing until dinner and then slamming 2k+ calories into my face and getting tummy hurty

4) I have not yet corrected, but am now aware of the fact that I've been eating very low nutritional value foods that are high salt, and that's good information to be aware of. So I've had more fruit the last couple days

So yeah! Idk, I'm pleased. Not sure how long I'll keep it up but for now it's been good

[unsoundedcomic]

I had the same thing happen to me about over a decade ago before my sister's wedding. Lost 10 pounds in a week with all the constant...expulsions...look for Gatorade or similar stuff, things that can hydrate you with a bit of glucose. If you get too sick, try a hospital or urgent care or some way to get an IV drip. Good luck and hope you feel better soon.

I'm definitely on the upswing now, but that was the sickest I've been since I was 20 and my pancreas tried to keep me from finishing my thesis. But I have eaten a slice of buttered toast and polished off half a Powerade, so I think the world isn't rid of me yet.

Dehydration is wild though, man. Last night I looked down at my hands and the skin around my fingernails had all shrivelled. I went to brush my teeth and couldn't make enough spit to keep the toothpaste lathered. This was all combined with an atrocious caffeine headache because of course I couldn't keep coffee down, and weakness from days without food.

Thanks for being so understanding :) Everyone else too! I kind of pride myself on my update consistency. No one hates a missed update more than I do.

Back at it Monday! Everyone have a good NYE! Tomorrow I'm going to see if I can keep down oatmeal. Wild times!

[rival-the-rose]

So, last week, just before my birthday, I developed dysphagia, gastroparesis, and ileus due to a weird viral infection (came with a fever and sinus inflammation but nothing else). In layman's terms, this basically means all of the muscles in my entire GI tract have stopped working - esophagus is not moving food to the stomach, stomach is not opening to allow food nor is it opening to release food, and my intestines are not moving things along, just being inflamed and full of gas.

This is obviously deeply uncomfortable, I have been on a liquid diet and barely reaching BMR, on top of being dehydrated bc plain water causes a lot of pain (adding a neutral-basic substance to high acid environment=bad).

On top of that, I am not a layman, and therefore I know that generally this suite of symptoms are associated with the Big Bad Diagnoses and once they show up they are frequently lifelong and not infrequently fatal. I also know that my history and symptoms don't match any of the Big Bads and it's more likely a weirdly dramatic response to viral inflammation, and I think we confirmed that with my doctor today. She's an osteopath who used to specialize in post-GI surgical care and felt that my intestines responded to manipulation in a way that was more similar to inflamed intestines than intestines that are no longer enervated. I would tend to agree and also she relieved so much pain today, I can take deep breaths again.

However, she hasn't seen or heard of this before. She expects that if there's no active damage being done, the inflammation should be mostly resolved in a week or two, but that's based on physiological knowledge rather than specific disease etiology.

So I'm having a lot of emotions. Anxiety, bc these are serious issues that I don't have a solid timeline on resolving. Anxiety 2, bc any time my body does something weird I become paralyzed with fear that this is going to spiral into profound disability again. Shame about Anxiety 2 bc I feel like I'm being dramatic and also being paralyzed with fear makes me feel bad about myself. Concerned that this is going to trigger an eating disorder relapse. Excited that I get to relapse "legitimately" and the fact that I've been on half rations for awhile is relieving the thoughts around how much weight I've gained since getting back from Vermont. Concerned bc I'm already feeling some of the emotional effects of calorie restriction (weepy+fussy) and physical (so tired.) Shame bc I feel like I should be done being sick and I'm tired of cancelling things I really want to do and also bc I look fine and I do feel ok as long as I haven't eaten recently. So I feel like I'm letting ppl down for no reason/I should be toughing it out more. ???Bad bc this is the eating disorder dream and why can't I be functional while doing it (aka being confronted with the reality that I can't indulge my disorder in a safe way which is so scary). Fussy bc I don't actually feel sick so I still want to do things but then I do and I'm uncomfortable/tired/frustrated immediately. Shame about just lying on the couch so much. Fear bc I want to start T and I'm in the process of applying to vet school and I can't do either of those things if I keep having organ systems shutting down (I really thought my lungs were doing better but they're apparently still not deflating appropriately).

Logically I can see that if someone told me they had these symptoms I would be like "why are you not in a hospital" (as long as I can keep up on calories and liquid reasonably it's not necessary). But I'm the one experiencing it and it's not that bad so why can't I do more stuff. Even though I worked full time this week and went to a doctor appointment today and OT yesterday. But I cancelled hanging out with my bestie on her birthday today so I feel really bad about that.

Idk. I just want to feel better. Except for the part of me that wants to starve to death. I'd say that's the core of the issue lol.

[voidster3]

Hi! I'm still having high blood pressure and fever. Being diabetic is awful .Help me get what I need so when I leave I can stay healed and get better today. #Type1Diabetes 😭. I'm a disabled mom so can't work after I had an accident. I've a spinal cord problem ..my blood sugar is high and I'm last to my pen, i need insulin to save my life and medical care for the past 2 months.

This is a life-threatening situation.share widely & donate 🙏

I smell a scammer.

Wasn't going to answer this originally but I've had a couple of you freaks while I'm compiling asks from people in actual need, and you are part of the reason legitimate fundraisers have so much trouble raising funds. Fuck off the face of the earth forever please.

Also, PSA to anyone falling for these scams, as someone who lives with t1 diabetes myself, you cannot survive 2 months without insulin. Within 2 days you will be suffering severe kda and unless you receive immediate medical attention, you will die within a week, falling into a coma if you are lucky

This is another of the many examples of how Israel is enacting genocide on Palestinians so listen up -- there are some 80k diabetics within the strip). For the first day or so, you will develop a mild headache. The longer you go without insulin, you will begin to suffer symptoms of dehydration. This is because when a diabetic does not receive insulin, their body is unable to "accept" sugar for energy within the cells. Because the body cannot receive sugar from the food eaten, it goes into starvation mode, breaking down fats in the bloodstream in the process known as ketoacidosis. A diabetic's body does not produce insulin to moderate sugar in the bloodstream, so their body will do everything it can to rid the excess sugar. You will urinate to rid your body of sugar, but it will not be enough. You will think your blood sugar is high, and it is high. EXTREMELY HIGH. if left untreated, diabetic ketoacidosis will always, always lead to death -- in the most lucky cases, the diabetic will fall into a coma while their body destroys itself. Israel may say it is acting to defend itself, and they may say they are giving civilians warnings, but not only do the concentration camps in the region prove otherwise, but the denial of aid to enter including insulin is absolutely an intentional act of genocide.

[dengswei]

cw for pet illness

trying to distract myself because my dog has been sick all day to the point we've gotten worried that we've had to call the vet and i'm like trying to be positive but i'm also feeling incredibly guilty because last night she wasn't eating her food properly so i was feeding her food that she didn't eat out of her bowl to her because sometimes she eats it that way .... and what if that's what caused this.... like what if she's just eaten too much because of me (i think my mum fed her a bit of her food too

she's old too and ..... idk i've never seen her like that... she's moving a lot more now than she was a couple minutes ago so i'm hoping it's just dehydration but yeah i'm... anxious to say the least

my mum asked if i wanted to go to the vet too but i just couldn't get myself to go....

[jedi-bird]

It's been a rather long couple of days.

My family contacted me for the first time in a long time. They are apparently in the area and wanted me to join them for a mini reunion tonight. Honestly, I completely forgot. But also, there was a part of my that didn't want to go. Growing up was not a happy time and in the end after my grandparents died, a lot of blame and judgment was thrown at me. I was thinking about it though.

I had a breakdown over the weekend. I don't know why. I was tired. I've been too stressed lately. I need to keep busy and can't and it hit a point of no coming back. I've always told my partner that if I ever say I don't want to go to a bookstore that they need to worry. They suggested going to one and I said no. We went to Daiso because I needed some stuff for the house, but still. It's a concern. Especially since the hallucinations are back and I'm my sure why. Maybe dehydration? Maybe lack of sleep? Maybe something new? I can't even get in to see my doctor because I have jury duty coming up and had to cancel and move everything.

Tomorrow I'm going to reorganize the kitchen, no matter how much I hurt or hate it. I'm going to make a list of things to get to try and keep things organized. I don't know if it means another trip to Daiso or to ikea, but I need to keep busy with projects.

I haven't really been eating either. Food does not sound appealing. I eat, because I know what happens when I don't, but must meals are the bare minimum. I've been drinking a lot of "sipping broths", which my partner teased me about my hipster tastes; but they are filling and comforting and savory and at least let me think I've eaten enough. I did buy myself some snacks for the first time in a long time at the market today, so hopefully I can bribe myself to eat more. A hangry birdy is not a good thing.

Mostly though, I just hate being here but don't want to leave. I'm overwhelmed looking at the things I need to do but can't, and overwhelmed looking at the things I can do but can't get started. I'm literally creating problems for myself and it's not a good but I'm struggling to stop. I need something but I don't know what.

[capriciouscaprine]

haven't talked about my progress towards my body goals in a while, so why not now!

even tho I ate more than I even really wanted to and went up a pound instead of dropping over the last week, I am still seeing the visual effects of being lower than normal people and being under the week previous; it's definitely true that body changes lag behind weight changes, as far as I've experienced

my fingers are juuuuuuust hitting that stage where the bones are narrower than the knuckles, and my forearms are slightly slimmer than my wrist joints; now I can tell when I'm dehydrated just by looking at the backs of my hands bc those veins POP out like I'm a body builder if I go an hour (or even less!) without downing at least 8 oz of water in that time

I've thickened back slightly as of this morning bc of my eating last week, but the day before I had allllllmost hit full gap without flexing or posing; since it's happening lower than my long-term goal number, I think I'll be able to use it as a warning sign in the future even without a scale that I'm approaching a point I don't want to be at

speaking of goals, and this is the most disordered part of this post, I do want to go under 100$, just to see what it's like and be able to say I lost a full 100$ from my measured start; I don't think it'll be sustainable, and honestly shopping is already getting tricky ~20$ higher, so once I do achieve it I'll have a personal celebration and then re-evaulate my daily food plans and come back up to perhaps 110$, if I have a t gap and no tummy rolls at that number

I really am primarily focused on shape over number; I want the gap, I want the hands and wrists, and I don't want to spill over a waistband no matter what I wear or how I sit; once I'm settled into my new career (PLZ), I'm hoping to start a workout routine for flexibility, joint health, and a LITTLE strength, and I expect any muscle gain will put my numbers up even as my shape stays the same

I also want to stay low so that I can fluctuate upwards without it being too noticeable; I know there will be pizza days and whatever else in my future, and I plan on appearing normal and enjoying myself responsibly over stressing about a specific number the whole time; I definitely don't want to be the person who feels compelled to bring a scale with me on vacations! I want to enjoy flavors and experiences and accept small changes that I know will be reversible once I'm back on my usual schedule and meal plan at home

it's the most obvious epiphany, but really, there is a number of c's that will maintain a certain size on a given body; go up and you're in excess and the body will gain, go down and you'll be in deficit until you reach the size that matches that intake level; changes in metabolism will change what this intake number is, which is also affected by genetics and other personal factors, so there is no one-to-one, 'eat this to weigh that' guide, but once I figure out what that number is for me, I can just keep eating that, leading to figuring out a regular meal plan I don't have to think too much about; sub in this food for that one or whatever as much as I like, so long as it's the same number of c's as what it's replacing; as someone who randomly gets tired of a food that I've eaten nearly every day for no reason, this is a reassuring thought to have!

I will say, I wonder if my tracker app is actually giving me a reliable daily max or not; does it really individualize for everyone (within reason?), or at a certain low goal does it just start giving everyone the same goal that algorithm is not mathematically capable of going under? I suppose I'll find out the more I use it!

I hope everyone reading this is having a great day and continues to have a wonderful week! if not, I hope things get easier for you soon!

[im-a-goddamn-cat]

i went to get bloodwork done today and after they took my blood, i got really nauseous, started sweating and feeling weak, and i threw up 😵‍💫 idk why that happened, i usually never have reactions to getting blood taken, that was the first time it happened. 😭 maybe i was dehydrated or something? my head had been hurting all day. also i hadn't eaten anything beforehand but i did that on purpose bc i don't think i was supposed to bc it could mess up the results. also i kinda felt weird even before getting my blood taken, i was like tired and confused, i was even acting stupid/getting confused when giving info to the ppl there. also i think this time i had the most blood taken that i've ever had in one sitting bc i'm getting a lot of tests done. so... yeah idk maybe it was all of that lol. i'm kinda embarrassed about it even tho i can't help my body's reactions. 😅 i was ok after a few minutes tho and i didn't pass out. also the nurses or whatever they were were nice and they gave me an ice pack and barf bag, and after i calmed down a little they gave me some crackers. my mom got me food after too (kfc hehe).

lol also my poor mom, she feels bad bc she didn't come see me right away when i started getting sick. but she didn't realize it was me at first bc she was sitting somewhere else, i usually don't have reactions, and no one went to get her. she didn't realize it was me until she asked someone if that was me throwing up lmao.

yeah but omg that was awful... 😭

[littlejammything]

Me rambling about diet and exercise :p

Trying to transition myself into a state of mind of making sure my body is well taken care of has been challenging.

I have been dealing with body dysmorphia and a very restrictive eating disorder for sooo long...

I'm 25, 26 in just another 7 months... and I'm sick of driving myself crazy over my body and food!

So, instead of not eating, I'm trying to make sure the things I do eat are natural, healthy, and filling.

Making sure I'm more satiated by adding instead of subtracting. Adding fruit where I can, any veggies where I can. I need the nutrients and instead of binging on processed foods it keeps me fuller and I know I got some fruits and veggies in my system for the day. Not only is that good on its own but it's a lot easier for my body to digest and I don't get so bloated.

Getting exercise almost everyday, although I'm not in the gym at the moment. I'm just doing at home body weight basics like push ups, squats, leg raises for the core, etc. and at least a mile on the treadmill, running and walking. Today I did 2 miles.

I just want my body to feel healthy and capable. Not feeling dizzy, nauseous, having poor focus because I'm starving myself.

Oh yeah, and drinking plenty of water. Did no fucking realize how absolutely shitty you can feel when you're dehydrated HAH so I'm drinking AT LEAST 80 oz of water a day, although i usually drink around maybe 125 oz or a little more per day.

Before this year, i was basically starving myself almost everyday. I had gotten so used to it that a lot of the time, I didn't even feel hungry. And it wasn't too too bad all the time, but last year was pretty bad.

I gained some weight this year! Just a few lbs, because of eating like a normal person lol but also from eating a lot of fast food and junk :p it wasn't so much maybe like... 6 or 7 lbs. but a bit of that is muscle I've noticed.

And since I've cut the majority of that shit out of my diet and keeping exercise in my routine I've dropped maybe like... 3 lbs this past month I think. 2 or 3 it really just depends on what time of day I weigh myself and if I had just eaten, yknow.

Also, weighing myself is something I try to NOT do, because of my eating disorder. But it is nice to know here and there. I mean, there are still some issues with this, because i weigh 115-116 at 5 feet atm... so im pretty normal to be so worried about this all. I was like 112 at the beginning of the year lol but I looked really thin and I didn't have the bit of muscle I gained that I have now.

Once I'm able to go to the gym consistently (work schedule is a bit all over the place right now), I really want to prioritize eating enough protein to gain more muscle mass, though. So, that'll bulk me up and I'll be stronger :o)

[silvaurum]

whats interesting is that even tho i have covid i haven't had any loss of taste or smell, and actually have a little of the opposite problem rn, in that everything tastes So Much. but i assume that's because i ate & drank very little while in the depths of covid-pneumonia-fever-chills-aches-dehydration so i . got kind of a palate cleanse. by virtue of that

it does mean that all the bland easy to digest food is extra palatable rn but i'm having to water down gatorade severely because the orange flavor hurts. fruit is also bad. i had canned peach and it was the most peach flavor i've ever eaten from a can, and i had to mix it with yogurt bc it was a lot

[pretty-sweet-plums]

Starting to realize I have a legit problem and actually do have body dysmorphia even with years of denial under my belt.

I hate going out. I am an introvert. But also because I feel like everyone is looking at me and seeing how fucking ugly I am no matter how hard I try to look at least decent. No one's looking, but my mind will be screaming at me the entire time that they are.

I wear huge glasses so people won't have to look into my asymmetrical eyes with their huge eye bags. I never show up anywhere without my glasses. Not because I can't see without them, I just dont want anybody to see my eyes. I find that having huge glasses make ms it so that they dont look at me.

I wear my face mask until I have to eat or drink, not just because of health reasons, but because I don't like it when people see my huge face and my ugly ass lips.

I spend more than I should on my hair because I hate how it is. Recently I've just tried to go with how curly it is so to spend less. But still, if I could rip my hair off or hide it under a wig, I would rather do that instead. Plus, my hairlines starting to get higher as I age, thanks, stupid genes.

I wear the baggiest clothes because I want to hide my thick arms and my tummy. It doesn't matter if I live in a tropical country. I'd rather sweat to death by heatstroke or dehydration before anybody sees my curveless body. The only curves being my small boobs, protuding early preggo stage looking stomach and my lumpy arms.

As much as it pained my wallet and work to be hospitalized when sick, I genuinely enjoy the rest there because I know once I get out, I've had lost almost 10 kilos of weight.

I practically glow and preen when someone says they thought I lost weight. And I shrivel and die a little more inside when someone says the opposite.

I don't throw up what little I eat, usually once a day, because honestly, I can barely afford food, how can I waste that?

I'm still lucky I love food and have the strongest cravings from time to time, otherwise I prolly would eat even less. Right now, one meal of mine can last for three days. Maybe more if I get too distracted to remember to eat. But afterwards, I get so so so mad at myself for eating so much. HOW DARE I BE HAPPY FOR HAVING EATEN WELL WHEN RIGHT NOW MY SYOMACH IS BULGING EVEN MORE THAN EVER?

Sometimes, if I have the money to spare, and on the rare occasion I go out to meet somebody, whether it be a friend, someone new or my partner, I buy new clothes to hide that fact that I don't have much and so that no one will be looking if I gained weight or something.

I like having my nails done because seeing my nails would distract people from noticing I have huge hairy hands. I wear lots of rings to do the same effect as well.

If you paid attention when I'm outside, you'll catch me always fidgeting with my baby hair, putting my bag over my tummy, making sure my face mask is covering my face and making sure my glasses are there, even if I know they are.

We only have one mirror at home, one I bought begrudgingly. Because one of my exes complained about not having one when they were over. But to this day, I only look at the mirror if I really have to, usually before I leave, because I hate seeing myself. I disgust myself. I take one look and I just wish I didn't exist.

Sex? What? No. Just don't look at me. Don't touch me. Turn off the lights while you're at it. I don't want you to see how disgusting I actually look, bare and open and ugly