#I'm kinda proud of myself for writing this

[naomihatake]

Piece of peace

Summary: first meeting between Female!OC and Naruto at Cherry Blossom Festival. 1700 words

TW: fluff, mentions of death and hospitals, brief description of a wound, discrimination, mention of orphans

A/N: I don't know if I will continue this with little chapters, but I really wish to. I never written so much in English all in one sitting. Initially, I wrote this for another purpose, not to post it here, but lately I realized that sharing bits of my thoughts on here is freeing. So, here we go.

Excuse any grammar mistakes or misspellings. I'm open for opinions and constructive criticism!

She got rid of the sweaty ANBU uniform she's been stuck in for the entire mission, hissing at the dark material of her clothes that got glued to a wound because of the blood. With no mercy, she dragged the grey flak jacket off even as dull pain ran through her body, only to throw the black turtleneck into the washing machine.

The only reason why she took her time in treating her wound was because she hated the smell of the hospital, place in which other comrades of hers were now stuck. One of those comrades was Kakashi, the captain of the team, who once again overused his Sharingan. She healed herself until nothing was life threatening anymore and she wrapped bandages around the wound.

Outside the window people were chattering and kids were giggling. There was more fuss than usual and the reason for that was the Cherry Blossom Festival. She was lucky enough to get back into the village so soon, only after three days of a mission that could've left her without limbs.

While she dragged some comfortable and large on her, she got out of the apartment, looking like a mere civilian. The only thing that distinguished her from the people was the small black bag wrapped around her thigh, where she held some kunai and shuriken. She never got out of the apartment without those, a habit since becoming a shinobi.

Ruffling her dark short hair, she looked around, trying her best to ignore the worries regarding the mission she just finished. Her turquoise eyes were carefully analyzing her surroundings, but her walk was slow and steady, as if she took her time relaxing — an almost failed attempt.

A young woman, a kunoichi of only 21 years old, trying her best to act like a civilian for a night, even as the dark circles under her eyes were getting more visible with each sleepless night.

As she was walking, approaching the centre of the village, where the festival was held, her eyes fell on a small boy with hair as the sun. She blinked, remembering for a brief moment the appearance of the Fourth Hokage, who's been resting in the ground for six years. It was his kid.

She stopped in her tracks, meters away from him, figuring out what he was doing. Her eyebrows pulled together into a frown when she saw the man from the stand get angry at the boy for looking at his masks for too long. He shoved the mask out of the boy's hands while shouting loudly.

"You're scaring my clients!"

With a few quick steps, she got there in seconds, holding back from glaring at the man much taller than her.

"Give me this one and the kitsune mask," her voice gave away the anger boiling steadily in her veins. The way she stared into the man's eyes didn't help the startled reaction and the cuss words that left his lips.

She gave him the money and took both masks, handing the blond boy the one he initially chose. A soft smile painted her face, genuine kindness dancing in her eyes.

"Here, little one. It's for you."

Initially, the boy looked at her with wide eyes, as if not believing what he heard or saw. He was hesitant, probably expecting to be spitted on. When his hands finally took the mask from her hands, he smiled so brightly her heart melted.

There were enough orphans left after Kyuubi's attack. There were many people who were mourning their friends and family and they were blaming the little child standing in front of her in that moment. Everyone threw such ugly glances towards him it made her want to puke. As if it was his fault. As if he controlled the beast locked inside of him when he barely got born.

"Thank you, Nee-chan," the boy smiled up at her.

She arched her eyebrow for a second at the casual language, but she didn't mind it it.

"What's your name?"

"Uzumaki Naruto!" the child grinned.

Naruto. Right. That was his name, she thought.

"Then, Naruto, let's wear the masks together, alright?"

Why let him wear that mask on his own when she could wear one as well? Obviously, she always wears one, she got so used to it she felt more protected when her face was covered. She understood only half of the reasons why her anbu captain kept on wearing that damn mask over the lower half of his face.

Probably the reason why the kid stayed beside her for the night was the fact that he wasn't being shown kindness a lot of the time. She didn't mean to make him cling to her, but his presence was grounding. She hasn't talked with someone out of her anbu teammates in a month. It became almost suffocating, the way she forgot how to socualize, the way gruesome missions blurred her days.

She slowed her pace down just so he didn't have to rush, looking down at him from time to time. Chattering about nothings with the blonde kid felt good, almost freeing, and she guessed it must've felt pleasant for him too. He was probably alone too much of the time, discriminated, pushed away by everyone.

She knew that the mask he wore made it easier for people to ignore him and she knew he was well aware of it, even if only on a subconscious level. Such a young soul, already experiencing too much. It reminded her own her own childhood, the childhoods of her friends, people were already adults, junins.

"Do you want to watch the fireworks together?" she asked him, taking her mask off only to let him see her smile. She'd give him as many smiles as she can, the same way she smiled at any kid, at any animal, at each one of her friends.

"Can we?" Naruto's happiness seemed so fragile, even as his eyes sparkled with hope.

"Of course we can. Come here," she chuckled, picking him up, sitting him on her shoulders.

But she wasn't a tall individual either, so she raised on her tip toes between the tall men that stayed in her view. The fireworks didn't start yet, there were just two "dragons" — men distinguished as such — dancing around in a circle, but she could only hear the specific music.

"Don't get scared, alright? I'll find a better view."

She formed the tiger sigil with her hands and she used Shunshin to teleport on the rooftop of a house, where the view was much better. She heard Naruto's surprised voice at what she did and she could only chuckle at his reaction at such a lame jutsu. It's a D-rank jutsu.

She sat down and put him down as well. Her legs were parted, her feet planted on the rooftop, her elbows resting on her knees as she looked up at the sky. Fireworks were so beautifully painting the sky, the loud sounds muffled by the happy voice of the child by her side. It pulled a smile on her lips as she left the mask next to her.

"They're so beautiful!"

"They are," she admitted in a faint voice.

"At the next festival I'll do that jutsu on my own, dattebayo!" Naruto turned his head towards her, his mask down.

"Really?" she challenged him with a playful smile. "I can't wait to see that, then."

"You're a shinobi, right? What's your name, Nee-chan?"

"Naomi. Asahi Naomi, and, yes, I am a shinobi."

She didn't mention her role in ANBU, since it was forbidden.

"Can you teach me how to do that?" He suddenly got up on his feet.

The place stable, since they were on a rooftop, so he almost tripped, but she quickly steadied him, her hands carefully gripping at his shoulders.

"I wonder, can I?" she tilted her head. "Maybe. Depends on how quick you learn."

"I'm a fast learner!" he bubbled with happiness at her response.

She let out a light laugh at his attitude, shaking her head, strands of brown hair falling over her cheeks.

"We'll see that later, Naruto."

She watched him pout at her and turn his back again when another round of fireworks started. She stared at them as she got locked in her own thoughts, wondering if she should give in to such a request.

She was a busy shinobi, she was walking on the edge of death with every mission. All anbu missions are S-ranked and it's for a reason. So many comrades die in missions and it's maddening. She's still wondering how she's alive, how she manages to smiles at anyone except herself. She can never muster the energy to smile at herself in the mirror.

Should she teach him? It's a big commitment. He's been denied of help and kindness for so long, it makes sense he clung to her after that small gesture. A meaningless things for everyone but him. For him it probably meant more than she could ever understand.

She blinked as she looked at the ruffled blonde hair in front of her. She let out a small sigh.

"I will. I'll teach you how to handle shuriken first, kunai, then we can jump to jutsu."

She had no clue how hard it was for the little boy to understand some basic information, but the moment he actually got it, he was good at it. The moment he understood how his chakra worked, which would happen only with exercise, he'd be so good at it she was surprised. He learned slowly and so fast at the same time, which was a weird way to explain it.

But it brought her some normalcy. She didn't have to think of deaths and missions when she came back to Konoha and he'd run into her randomly. There were months in which she didn't even time to stay for a day in Konoha, but the smile on his lips when he finally saw her felt unreal.

Such a sweet soul was waiting for her to come back alive from missions, even if he had no clue what could happen. He didn't know how her mask looked and she was happy that way. He didn't know the danger she was put through, but he had enough to deal with. She'd do anything to lift something off his tiny shoulders.

[busterbby]

— how they hold hands.

fluff. gn!reader. hcs. ichiro, jiro.

note: tried to make these sweet and short but alas. please enjoy!!

Ichiro . . . holds your hand so tender yet firm — not too loose, not too tight. just right

they're much bigger than yours. Ichiro can fit your entire hand in his

his hands are heavy too. they have weight to them; they’re full of calluses and cracks, scars and frost nips, dirt underneath his nails from the harsh odd jobs he’s worked. they’re not very pretty hands, but they’re gentle even with all the wear and tear. they hold so much love for you and his bros: the entire weight of his heart

they hold you so delicate and light. they’re comforting as they lay on yours, not too heavy or anything. it’s paradoxical, how such heavy hands so full of brute — cracked and bruised from all his fights in his youth — can be so tender and loving towards you

his rings dig into your skin, cold. but his hands themselves are so warm

and he does this thing where he rubs his thumb over your knuckles gently. it’s just a little habit of his — Ichiro doesn’t quite notice it, really — but it’s very sweet

“it’s alright. i’m here.” he says in that deep hushed tone of his, when he notices you’re anxious or holding onto him a bit more firm. he holds your hands gently, rubs his thumb in circles over your skin soothingly like a lullaby

he’s here. and you know it’s so when he holds your hands, how your heart eases instantly at the familiar touch: the slightly rough skin, the calluses at his fingertips, and warmth he holds

sometimes, the weight of his hands is the most comforting thing to your heart.

Jiro . . . holds your hand tightly and fully in his. He doesn’t like to let you go

he likes to hold hands! everywhere he goes, really. walking in the school hallways or lazily holding your finger underneath the desk during free period.

jiro is a very touchy boyfriend. he doesn’t know; he just likes to hold your hands and have you close. it feels right, y’know??

his hands are warm and heavy too, in that, jiro doesn't quite know the limits of his own strength. he just knows that he likes to hold you tight and close! so sometimes, he may squeeze your hand too much, and you can see the little marks his rings leave behind

but of course, he doesn't mean it! just let him know~

jiro wears his heart on his sleeve, and you pretty much hold it in your hands oh so sweet. when you give his hand a little squeeze, you can see the way his heart skips a beat with the way he gets visibly flustered. eyes a little wide, lips slightly parted; it’s as if you’re squeezed the love out of his heart too, with the way he gets all shy, covering himself with the hood of his cap and gazing off to the side. but, he always does give a squeeze back, tighter than yours

his knuckles are cracked and a little bruised from the one too many fist fights he gets himself in; and they're probably covered in bandages from all the scratches he's accrued from chasing after that damn neighbor's cat (dogs and cats don't get along, after all)

when you hold hands, your fingers brush over all the bandages he wears and the wounds that still sting. they’re not very pretty, but they’re jiro’s

but even as much as the isopropyl stings at his wounds, and jiro cringes as you scold him for needing to be more careful and use his head for once, jiro thinks he’ll always love it when you bandage his wounds

you hold his fingers so gentle in your hands, with so much love and care. jiro’s gaze softens, and his heart beat rings in his ears, as he lets you tend to his wounds. he watches you like a dream, perhaps a little too wistful. and there’s nothing better in this world, he thinks, than when you finish up and give him a quick peck to his lips

the way you tend to his wounds, hold his bandaged and bruised hands so tenderly in yours. they’re smaller than his and much prettier too — complete polar opposites. but somehow, someway, your hands look good together

maybe he can get used to it.. (even at the cost of alcohol stings)

[lucky-clover-gazette]

Ergo Sum

Chapter 3/3: I Am (5387 words)

She drew back. “What the fuck?” “I was under the impression that we were confessing our truths,” Volo said. “My truth was bisexuality, you’re talking about deicide!” “I am not killing Arceus. I am subjugating its power.” “Subjugating,” the outsider repeated, narrowing her eyes in thought. “You mean, like, catching it? In a pokéball? Volo, you’re going to catch God in a pokéball?” She looked up at the sky. “Is Arceus aware of this?” “I don’t know,” Volo said between gritted teeth, “because it won’t talk to me.” “I wouldn’t talk to you either, if you wanted to trap me in a fucking pokéball!”

[seamsterspell]

Why do you think Levi only ever said Dedicate your heart to Hange?

What a surprise! Hello there anon!

Oh, I actually like this question very much >:D I’m sure there are many explanations out there by all the amazing people in the fandom regarding this topic. However, since you asked for my opinion, then I will gladly give my two cents regarding this topic.

Let's see if I can put my psychology degree to good use.

Disclaimer: since I'm a levihan slut, I'm sure you know what to expect from this. Also, English is not my first language, so please forgive me if you found any mistakes :D

First of all, we know that Levi had never said “Dedicate your heart” before (as suggested by Hange). 

If that’s the case, then why did he never say that before? Well, I think it’s because he wasn’t your typical by-the-book soldier. Unlike most people in the corps, Levi joined under a special circumstance. We know that he didn’t voluntarily enlist himself as a trainee so he could join the Survey Corps and heroically save humanity from all the titans. Instead, he joined the corps because Erwin personally scouted him. Because of that, he didn't have any particular or specific reason to join it in the first place (unlike let’s say Eren or even Hange), he even planned on quitting the corps at one point. His reason for staying in the corps—other than his belief in Erwin—was just as simple as: “I like the fresh air of the outside world.”

EDIT: Okay, I just want to make myself clear. I'm not saying that his motivation in joining the corps was so shallow or even implying that he does not care a bit for humanity. He cares obviously, if he didn't then we would not have Captain Levi in our SNK story. What I meant by my statement above was to highlight how simple he was as a soldier. Like, he didn't need a grand motivation to join in the first place, because he just knew that staying in the corps was the good thing to do. He risked his life everyday in battles just for a simple wish of breathing the fresh air. He wanted the people in the wall to be free from the stinky air, because for him freedom is in the mundane things in life. To quote my other post: "His simplicity is what makes him kind."

Also, I made a follow-up post regarding my interpretation of Levi's character here. You don't have to read it, but if you want to know how I see Levi as a character, I hope that post can help.

But anyway, since he was scouted under a special condition (as well as having enormous strength as a soldier), I think he somehow had a privilege in the corps to fuck around and be as “disrespectful” as he wanted to be. Not to mention Erwin became a commander around a year after Levi joined, so my man was probably living his best nepotism/VIP life. Therefore, I would think that Levi wasn’t as strict with the rules as other soldiers. He wasn’t the kind of soldier who kept preaching about "dedicate your life" to others. He just came to work, did his job, and went home (just like me fr). I’m not saying he doesn’t care about humanity (he cares obviously) it’s just he doesn’t express it in a traditional soldier way.

No wonder we all were so surprised when he did say THAT WORDS to Hange. It wasn't like him at all. Even Hange was caught off guard by him saying it, right?

But then, this raises another question, why is it when he finally said it, he only said it to Hange? Why, for instance, he didn’t say it to Erwin? I mean, both Erwin and Hange went on a suicide mission. Moreover, out of all the people that we know in the story, we can see that Levi shares many significant moments in the narrative with these two. If that’s the case, then why did he say different things to each of them?

For me, the answer is quite simple, it’s because Levi is an empathetic person. Both “Give up on your dreams and die for us” and “Dedicate your heart” that he said to Erwin and Hange respectively were something that he believed they needed to hear at THAT moment. It was his last words for them right before they died, his last comfort.

He told Erwin to give up on his dreams and die because at that moment, when their troops were cornered by the beast titan, Erwin showed his vulnerable side to Levi. Erwin admitted that he actually had a plan (albeit a suicidal one for him and the rest of the soldiers) to defeat the beast titan but he withheld it at first because: 1) he didn’t want to die because he wanted to see the basement; and 2) he didn’t want to send any more soldiers into their death because he was being haunted by the ghost of the past soldiers who had dedicated their heart to his plan.

Therefore, Levi, out of his compassion for Erwin, took the burden of making that painful choice from Erwin’s hand. He even made a promise to kill the beast titan, as if to say that all of their death wouldn’t be in vain. He said it to make Erwin feel better, which is why Erwin smiled after Levi said that. 

I think the same explanation can be said for Hange's situation. However, to understand why he only said “Dedicate your heart” to Hange, I think we need to talk about the nature of their relationship first. First of all, they were close friends, that is obvious. They had known each other for quite a long time and they had gone on many missions together (and survived), so their bond was strong. To quote Moblit from that one Smartpass AU he shares with Levi: “[Levi and Hange have] a special kind of bond from spending many years together. It’s something that Moblit didn't have with [Hange].”

Speaking of Levi, one of the things that I feel people tend to overlook from Levi is his caring nature. He cares for his squads, for humanity as a whole, and especially for his trusted comrades (e.g. Erwin and Hange). However, since he isn’t exactly a very eloquent person, he has a weird way of showing his affection, like when he told Erwin that he would break his legs so he didn't have to join the dangerous operation to retake Shiganshina. Fortunately, since Erwin knew Levi’s character, he understood the meaning behind his words. Although for most people, it was probably hard to tell. 

Other than Erwin, the other person who could see Levi’s kindness was of course Hange—who also received a lot of care from Levi. It might be because of the nature of her job (getting too close to titans for her experiments + her role as a commander later) and because of her tendency to be a little bit reckless as well as forgetful of taking care of herself when excited (which was why she had Moblit by her side) that made Levi feel the need to pay a lot of attention to her.

And by a lot, I mean A LOT. 

This is just my opinion, but in the canon, I noticed that Levi is actually the one who expresses or initiates a lot of actions toward Hange (believe me, my man is working overtime):

Asking about her new “hobby” in rocks (after Annie’s capture).

Noticing her distress after Pastor Nick’s death and trying to lift her spirit up.

Calming her down when she was upset at Keith Shadis when he finally told the truth about Grisha's past & his reason for leaving his commander position in Survey Corps.

Thinking about Hange’s safety during missions (after Bertholdt’s transformation in Shiganshina and when she was attacked by one of Kenny’s men in the Reiss Chapel).

Telling her to not touch some random things at the beach.

Telling Moblit to take care of Hange because he can't be always by her side (Smartpass AU)

Knocking Hange out to forcibly bathe her (Smartpass AU). Also, the way he worded it in a way that "yeah I don't like her filthiness when I'm off-duty, so I took it upon myself to clean her." I see you...

Levi saving Hange from being hit on the head by a bunch of books + telling her to change her wet clothes (Smartpass AU)

Well you get what I mean. Anyway—at least for me—he doesn’t seem to do this solely because of Hange’s lack of self-care. I think he shows a lot of care for Hange because she’s important to him, which is of course exacerbated when they became the last two veterans to survive after the operation to take back Shiganshina. After so much lost, he clearly saw her as the last person he’s close to. I mean, in one of the Smartpass AU, she was the first person that came to his mind when he was asked about his family.

Not only that, I think he generally likes Hange as a person because she saw him for who he truly was. Like, remember their first meeting, Hange was the only one who was willing to approach Levi (while everyone was sceptical of him) and she did it purely out of admiration. She genuinely was impressed by him and wanted to get to know him better. A gesture that might be alien to Levi, which explains why he was unsure at first about Hange, but it seemed after many missions together, Hange was eventually able to earn his trust. Hange became a person who could freely tease him (him being a clean freak + their poop jokes) as well as became a walking dictionary for him (the way she translates Levi's words to Eren).

On the other hand, contrary to Levi, I noticed that Hange tend to be more neutral with Levi. I’m not saying that Hange did not care for him. I mean, when she found his injured body, she became so protective of him that she willingly risked her life by jumping into the lake so she could save him.

There was also this one scene of her trying to comfort him when he learned that titans was actually a human. Moreover, she also considered him to be her closest friend in the Survey Corps.

I believe she rarely showed her caring side to him because she knew that he is a capable fellow, and so she didn’t think he needed her help in particular. I don't think she had ever think that this man, the strongest man in the world, would ever sustain a horrible injury or even die. Sadly, she thought wrong. When she found his injured and dying body (chapter 115), Hange had to face a horrible realisation that she could actually lose him.

Then, in chapter 126, we finally saw Hange taking care of Levi. She killed two soldiers to protect them. She also tended and healed his injury with so much care. In my opinion, being confronted by the mortality of the only person that she had left in the world, Hange most likely learned—the hard way—about how important Levi had actually become to her. Thus she was willing to do anything for him.

When this realisation mixed with her exhaustion from the war, she finally reached her breaking point. With no one but an unconscious Levi by her side, the passionate-happy-go-lucky researcher and the ever-so-composed commander of the Survey Corps found herself gradually letting down her guard to show her weakness, her feelings. In her vulnerability, she weakly expressed how she would rather live with him in the woods, away from the chaos outside. Like, can you believe this Hange, who always fought for humanity’s sake said, “Humanity be damned, I would rather spend the time I have left with you.” 

I think this explains why her confession in chapter 126 caught us (the fandom) off guard, because not only it was out of character for her, but also for the first time, she showed her feelings to Levi.

Later we know that Levi heard about her “confession” but since he also knew that Hange would never ever run away, he instead encouraged her to do the things that she believed in, and that was to stop Eren from committing genocide. However, I think her words had never left him, even after they left the woods. Because as you can see in chapter 132, he somehow made a seemingly random remark to her about how her feelings are not always unrequited. As if he knew which feelings of her that is requited. 

Consequently, we finally came to the big question. We see in chapter 132 that before Hange embarked on her suicide mission, Levi did something that was so out of character for him. He touched her heart and said, “Dedicate your heart”.

Why did he do this?

To repeat my answer above, it’s most likely because he knew that it was exactly the things that she needed to hear the most. So he said it out of empathy. But isn’t it too short or even too formal for a goodbye between two close friends? Well, we have to take into consideration that Hange could read Levi like a book (remember their iconic telepathy?). She could easily translate his roundabout words and expressions, thus he didn’t need to write an essay for her. Which is why “dedicate your heart” was more than enough for both of them.

Moreover, I also infer that the reason why he never said “Dedicate your heart” while he was a soldier before was because he probably thought that he didn't necessarily have to give his heart to the corps and humanity. Again, he didn't have a grand reason to fight in the first place, and so he just wanted to do what he thought was good: to lend all his strength to help humanity. Therefore, by saying it for the first time in front of her, he seemingly wanted to show her how important and special she was to him. As if he was saying that he wants to dedicate himself only to her.

Hence, his gesture and words to Hange combined with all the preceding events (especially events in chapters 126 and 132), I could say that behind those three words, he was actually telling her: “Hey, the things you said in the woods, it was not unrequited. I actually feel the same way as you. I want to live with you as well, which is why I don't want you to go. However, I know I can't stop you because you’ve dedicated your heart to the freedom of humanity. So, I’ll let you go, but before you go I want you to know that you’re the only person I’m dedicating my heart to. My heart is yours.”

I'm not Hange so I don't think my translation is accurate HAHA but that's how I see it.

In conclusion, Levi had only ever said Dedicate your heart to Hange because: 1) he knew it would make her feel better/happy and special; and 2) it was also his answer to her soliloquy in the woods (it was his way of telling her that they share mutual feelings).

-----

So yeah, that’s my opinion. I hope I was able to express myself clearly :D

Also, I can't believe you are asking me this, anon. No one ever asked me about my opinion before. Usually, people come for me for my silly fanfic(s) xD 

ANYWAY, your question is very much appreciated! Thank you for giving me the opportunity to share my thoughts regarding Levi, especially his relationship with Hange. This was fun to write (and research!), I really enjoyed the process!

Although it was a bit painful too tbh because I had to reopen my old wound by rereading chapters 126 and 132 :') You did it anon, you made me cry... at 12.30 AM T_T)b

[jobrrr]

Even in the Next One - Chapter 1

Hey, did you want another fic? This one is a role reversal and Claire is the one who wakes up in Japan with memories of her past life, and she is determined to get her wife again. Its got silly, feels and some angst, just in a modern AU, sorta but not really. I'm determined to get these two together again so please give it a read. The first chapter is up there is more to come.

[tirfpikachu]

tfw i have $948cad and rent is $980 AND MY PLACE IS A WRECK

[melien]

Boss: Milo? Who's that?

Milo: Errr-

Doris: *whispers* Diego. Recommended. Me. For the job.

Milo: Diego, uhh...

Boss: Is that Diego? Diego, are you alright?

Milo: No! I mean, he- I mean-

Doris: *squeezes Milo's hand harder*

Milo: Ahem. WhatIwantedtosayisDiegorecommendedmeforthisjobandIwouldverymuchliketoworkforyou-

Boss: Ah! Yeah! Yeah, our water park is hiring. You can gladly come on Monday at 9 am and we'll see what we can do.

Milo: Thank you! Thank you very much! See you on Monday! Bye! I hope you have a nice evening filled with beautiful family moments...

Boss: *hangs up*

Doris: That's it, Milo, it's over! You did great!

[stonedstargazer666]

I just did the hardest thing in my life.

Now I'm not sure how to go about talking about something like this.... i'm not all here mentally so just bear with me.... TW: Death, passing of a loved one, and organ donation. self harm mentioned.

I'm in Louisiana… Got here yesterday, everything feels like a blur… yet it feels like it's moving in slow motion…. It feels really good to see my stepmom, and stepsibs and my half brother Bear who came down to Louisiana JUST for me. Bear and our dad didn't really have a relationship, not the way I did with our dad. But Bear came down from Minnesota for me..... and I'm truly grateful for that.

My dad was legally pronounced brain dead on September 3rd 2024. Yesterday, September 4th, 2024. He had his Hero Walk from his ICU room to the ambulance bay…. i feel… I dont know… I've only ever have seen that on like med dramas before.. ya know? There's a place out here were they take him to handle as they put it "His gifts". Because he was an organ donor… I'm so proud of him for that Oh my gods I'm so proud of him for that…. but that walk… seeing all those doctors and nurses staff. some of who are my step moms co workers… it was the hardest thing i have ever done/ had been a part of in my life…. there is already a recipient of his liver. My dad is going to save someone else's life….. (we just got a call from the place that he went to, they were able to recover his liver, and two other things for transplants!!! THREE THINGS. MY dad is helping three different people!!!!)

Before we did the Hero Walk, Bear got to hang up a flag in honor of our dad. which was flown at half mast at the hospital. He's keeping the flag. Yesterday I had the honor of recording his heartbeat, and it's on my phone. I haven't listened to it since recording it.... I'm scared too, but I know that I wanna save up to get a Seattle Seahawks bear from Build a bear and put his heartbeat in that. I know it's going to kill me everytime I play it, but I think it'll also help???? the jury is still out.. lol

THe hero's walk was so surreal.... seeing that in real life.... I...I don't know how to process it... the doctors, nurses, and staff lined the hallways from the ICU to the ambulance bay.... it was so quiet, and I was sobbing the entire time walking behind my dad. He really is a hero... and my respect for him grew. I already had so so much respect for him. But wow.... The hero's walk was up til today, something I only saw on med dramas.... it felt so heavy, every single one of those people in those hallways had such a heavy look of respect and admiration for my dad. I feel like I'm shock kinda.... just a lot going on my head I cant keep things straight tbh...

Everyone has been a mess, but I think my stepmom and I take the cake on being a mess. (She doesn't have Tumblr, and none of my other family do so i'm not worried about them seeing this heh...) I have been dissociating a lot... I think... been blasting Sleep Token a lot to deal with this.... I never thought that my dad would be gone so soon... It's weird sitting in his chair writing this, knowing that he would usually never let anyone else sit in it... I have moments of hearing his voice when it's completely silent.... it's a sound that I will never forget, and his deep belly laugh when you would get him rolling.... his smile... Gods... I don't know how to feel.... it's weird to be here without him.... I wouldn't be sober if it wasn't for my dad, yeah I made the choice to get sober, but he helped me. He let me scream, cry, vent.... I didn't go to rehab, I literally detoxed on a greyhound bus on my way to Ohio. but when I got to Ohio. My dad was a Video call away, and I called him a lot. He didn't care about my ramblings, or the fact that I can never stay on topic.... he did the same thing.

We are cremating him, and having a wake for him with a viewing... which is going to be really hard for me honestly. After seeing him in the ICU.... but I think it'll be nice. and by cremating him. I'll be able to always have a little piece of him with me always. I just need to find something for his ashes, something that means something to both of us. Just us. I don't know where to even start... I'm not gonna be able to do anything until next month anyway...... I honestly feel so lost right now.... I keep thinking who am I gonna call. and my first thought is my dad....

I can't call him, and it hurts so much. But I know he isn't in pain anymore. He's with his dad, and grandpa. He's with my grandma, and aunts who loved him. But.... I feel lost... my heart hurts so much... I know that I'll learn to cope, and with a lot of time. It will get easier, but it doesn't feel like it. It really doesn't...

there is a GoFundMe going... i can get it from my stepmom if anyone wants it.. it was set up by a family friend.. just dm me I guess. i'll answer DMS but that's really it.

Me and my dad in 2019 in Idaho

This picture of my dad, I'm not sure when it was taken, but he looks so cool.

My dad when he was about 17 or so and his Mopar, this is my absolutely favorite picture of him. Picture courtesy of my Uncle Floyd on Facebook hehe.

Then these are pictures of his flag, the first three I took from the parking lot of the hospital. the last one my brother Bear took. I'm gonna post more photos of my dad. My Uncle Floyd, his brother is sending me a lot, and my stepmom and I are going through his facebook page and shes telling me stories about some of them. While going through some of his stuff... I know its soon.... but honestly... I'm keeping a lot of it. IDK where I'm putting it. But so far its mainly clothes, and stuff me and TJ one of my partners can wear. Might give my other partner a shirt if they'd like....

My dad is a hero, and is going to be saving someone's life tonight with the gift of his liver. I am so proud to be his daughter, but at the same time I am so hurt that he's gone. A small piece of him is going to live on with somebody else, whoever that is. I know they will be grateful for this, and that makes me happy. so happy, my dad loved helping people. So he is very much a super hero in my eyes.

Fly high daddy. I love you so much. You are saving one more life tonight, and I am so proud of you. So very proud to be your daughter, thank you for being my dad and one of my best friends. Even if you said that we weren't. I feel in my heart of hearts we were, I will never stop thinking about you. Or what you would do, or say. what jokes you would make, or how you say them. I love you so so much. I know you will be watching over us from now on, and that you wouldn't want me crying. But dammit dad... you know how I am... I can't help it... It's going to take a while before I can think of talk about you with crying. and you know it. you were always my hero for many reasons....

Do you know how hard it is going to be for me? Not being able to call you? Not being able to excitedly chitter to you about small things like my crystals or tarot cards? or...or calling you crying because I don't feel good or I have cramps and you make me feel better by making me laugh?? I know you know... I get the concept. heh.. But...I guess something is coming from it. I'm getting to know my Uncle Floyd better... He misses you a lot dad, Floyd loves you so much. He's sending me all of these really neat pictures of you guys... and he was making me laugh. Explaining the difference between having a mullet, and having long hair with bangs... lol

Floyd has been checking in on me and everyone almost daily, I haven't talked to him this much ever... which, yeah I know I can't take all the blame. He even said so.... You know you two are so much alike its kinda scary. heh. He called me princess the other day while I was on greyhound. I don't think he was thinking about it to be honest. He's been calling me kiddo a lot, kinda like you did. I think its cute. hehehe. But I think sadly this was the push I needed to connect with him more... He also has a really nice voice, just like yours. And the push I needed to connect with Kim more too.

I know that because of my mom, my relationship with Kim has been kinda weird. But I'm realizing that... some information was revealed and more clarified to me about certain happenings with my mom and wellll.... let's just say there are A LOT of emotions right now with that... I don't even know where to begin on that.... woooboyyyy dad... there's a lot to unpack there... and I know we've kinda touched on this crap here and there and really talked about things from your point of view. But Kim told me stuffs that.... Well I'm gonna need to talk to my therapist about it first because I really don't know how to process it. Because it was during the time I was treating you so horribly.... and I'm sorry... I didn't fully know or understand what was going on. I know I know I don't have to apologize for anything I know. But knowing this new information..... I'm sorry..... I'm so sorry. Ok i'm gonna try not to say that anymore. TRY.

I'm taking a lot of your clothes to be honest, oh and Ace is like my best friend now. Look! HE HUGE DAD HOLY FUCK

As soon as I started talking to Floyd Ace came out and started loving on me. I love him so much dad, he's so soft and sweet oh my gosh. But he misses you. He's definitely your cat lol for sure your cat. Everytime attacks Kim I giggle I can't help it. it's so funny, Tucker and Flash miss you too. Tucker has been so happy to see me. I love those dogs so much. I'm so happy to see them, and cuddle with them!!!! it's been so nice to be writing this and being able to set this aside to love on one of them for a minute. It's also been nice to spend time with Bear, We hung out a little yesterday.

He needed to run to Walmart, I tagged along cause well I wanted to go for a car ride. and I wanted to spend time with him too. He did drive all the way down here for me.... and yeah I know. I'm just glad he's here, he's getting some kind of closure with all of this... I know I've always been kinda like the fixer.. always trying to fix things... like relationships. like with my mom and Kim.

I now understand what was really going on... and I...I can't fix that. I can't, I have my own shit I need to worry about dad... like how i'm gonna live without you.... how am I going to do that?? I know I have TJ and Fruits... Kim, Bear, Floyd... Yes I've been constantly talking to TJ. I've been keeping him updated every step of the way....

But not you.... goddammit dad..... I know I'm going to be ok eventually, but this fucking sucks right now... My mind is racing, one minute I'm laughing about something you joked about or said, the next i'm shaking and sobbing because you aren't here... I feel like i'm constantly panicking.... I would totally lose my mind if I wasn't here with Kim and them... honestly I think if I wasn't here with them, I think I would be hurting myself right now or wanting to be really badly.... and that's a scary thought to be honest. I don't know if I do right now... but so much has been going on that I haven't really thought bout it frankly. I'm keeping a lot of your shirts for myself and TJ. I'm gonna see if J wants any of them. If not, well I'm not worried about it. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I promise to take good care of your shirts that your dad gave you. I have a lot of good memories of you two together, so to have some of these shirts that I vividly remember grandpa Taylor wearing when I was little, then seeing you wearing them... now me... its.... very special to me. And I'm very honored?? I'm not sure if that's the right term, but i'm gonna go with it...Of course I'm taking your Kiss Blankie, and one of your Seahawks shirts. my favorite one. the one you always wore, you know the one. hehe. I even have the shirt J and I made for you when we were teeny tiny. My handprint is so small oh my gosh dadddd... I promise to take good care of it.

Gods....there's so much more I wanna say. But I'm not really sure how too... I definitely feel like i'm still in shock...I thought I still had time... Dad... You HAVE to tell people when you don't feel good, I know you don't like people worrying about you but... THIS IS WHYY!! GOD dad.... I'm happy your not in pain anymore I'm so happy for that, cause god knows that you hated it so much... But this was too fucking sudden for everyone. Too fucking sudden old man.... Christ... leaving me...us like this... fucking hell dad.... I just... I need you. here with me. I'm always going to need you. I don't know what I'm going to do without you.... you were a really good man whether you believe it yourself or not.

You ARE a good man, you saved three different lives.... but mine is going to be changed forever and you know how much I hate change like this..... Honestly personally I don't think I'll ever really get over this, or this trauma... I really don't think I will. I hate this so much I do. plain and simple. I want you here with me dammit, it's not fucking fair! It's so not fucking fair!! I hate feeling like i'm being selfish when I know this is normal....I feel like I have to be strong for everyone else I don't wanna be. I spent most of my life hating you because of my mom!!! I HATE MYSELF FOR THAT AND ITS NOT MY FAULT. I missed out because of her, and because she lied to me about a lot of things..... and that's time I will never get back with you.... that kills me so badly..... like oh my gods it hurts bad.... so much..... I know there is still a lot of high running emotions. But you know how strongly I felt and loved.... gods... How am I going to this without you? I know I will..... but right now...I don't know how... I really don't know how..... I love you so much this hurts so badly.... I don't think I can properly pet into words how bad i'm hurting.... how badly i'm missing you right now. I know for a fact that if you were here right now, we would be talking about everything under the sun. Gods I need that right now..... I really do daddy... I just wanna talk to you, and laugh and hug you.

I would give almost anything for just one more day.... just to hear your voice, see your green eyes. hear your laugh.... feel your arms around me... I am so glad that we were able to work on our relationship. So fucking grateful. you mean so much to me daddy, you really do. I hope you know how much you mean to me.... I really really hope you do . I love you dad. I will talk soon.... maybe... might start a sideblog with letters for you... I'll have to think about that for a little bit. But I love you daddy. I will talk you later. toodles....

[entertainmentmask]

People I'm finally actually learning Spanish, via Duolingo!

[fascinationstreetmp3]

messing around with modifying her is pretty fun. i’m actively breaking some npcs probably because i don’t know how to make new material entries but they’re a sacrifice i’m willing to make

[busterbby]

HIII I REALLY LOVE YOUR WRITING!! can I request bb with ichiro having a really short gf who literally reaches below his shoulders? She's also really clumsy and energetic!!

You, unfortunately, just found out about my Ichi size difference kink lol. so maybe I did go off a bit for his part.. oops. but this was sm fun to write! I didn't quite know what to do for Jiro and Sabu's, so they're shorter if that's ok! and sorry for the delay anon!! I hope I got everything you wanted and more, pls enjoy~

— big bro’s short, clumsy girl.

fluff. f!reader. ichiro, jiro, saburo.

Ichiro . . . is so gentle and giant, when it comes to you

he's so big and tall, with broad shoulders that seem to touch the sky. you don't even reach them; and he can envelop you whole, when you two cuddle on the couch on anime dates

when he kisses you, they're always just so big and full, as slow and tender as he goes. he can cup your face with just one hand of his, and it's as if he can reach all the way to your heart and kiss it sweetly too

yet, his touch is never heavier than you'd think. his fingers never dimple your cheeks when he cups them; his hands never mess up your hair that much when he ruffles it. he'd never break you

Ichiro is careful around you. not that he isn't always! but-

i mean. he’s.. big. and you’re small! obviously. could a giant like him really be with you..? he wouldn’t want to hurt you after all! but, really, that’s what makes the two of you perfect together

but really, it’s the obvious size difference of it all that gets to him

okk. maybe he has a.. thing, for size difference. Ichi would shyly admit to himself one day

like damn. you’re just so cute and tiny compared to him. when you look up at him just to meet his eyes, it’s obvious. when you have to stand on your toes to try and reach the highest cupboard — because dammit, the Yamada bros are just giants, it seems! — man- he knows he has something going on, Ichi would blush, all too embarrassed at himself

yet, when he comes behind you and reaches over for you, it’s his heart that skips a beat — not yours. it’s Ichi that gets cutely shy as he realizes just how small you are compared to him, how you fit perfectly into his chest. into his heart

damn.. his girlfriend is really too cute

and, even his laughs are too big and warm for you or your chest; they envelop you whole, better than any warm blanket can

his entire hand fits yours quite easily too — it’s not even fair. and ichi just loves to compare his hands to yours, the way his heart only flutters so; he's a bit of a dork, like that

and he’d blush slightly, all cute, when he noticed just how small yours are compared to his. they’re not as rough or cracked. perhaps a bit more soft, much more dainty. compared to his anyway

and Ichi would do that sappy thing when he curls his fingers to then hold your hand. then he grins so sweet and handsome and cliché

and, maybe, his rings are too big for you. and they dig in between your fingers.. and Ichiro's thumb is just so thick and rough when he rubs the back of your hands comfortingly. it's a feeling you grow to love

but he never holds your hand too tight either. as if nervous that if he held on, you’d break like porcelain with just one touch from him

he’s mindful about you — it's cute! even if it’s a bit much at times

which perhaps doesn’t bode well for the fact that you’re.. well, quite the opposite, of the term

i mean, he loves your energy! it’s infectious, and after a long day of tiresome odd jobs, Ichi looks forward to you and your bright smile again today

he doesn’t know, it’s just one of those things he absolutely adores about you

but- he sighs. he wishes you’d be a bit more careful. you’re always giving him mini heart attacks, he swears, whenever you

“woah!” he catches you in his arms, before you could trip over your own two feet and fall ; he holds you delicately, as if you’d break just from a slight squeeze. “you should be careful where you’re going, babe”

he says — like a prince charming of sorts, ready to catch you at your feet

yet, he’s the one to get the butterflies and blush the sweetest pink, when he notices just how small and short you seem in his arms

but i mean, as clumsy as you may be, you’ll always find yourself falling right into and enveloped by your boyfriend’s strong arms~

(and ichi might just get a heart attack one day from how cute you are)

Jiro . . . is quite perplexed, really

how could you be so small?? and older than him too? in his mind, it just doesn’t make any sense nor compute! not that he was any good at math

he’s rather broad and tall too — though not as much as aniki. so you barely reach below his shoulders as well, and he definitely thinks you're a cute girl, when Jiro first meets you. and a good match for aniki at that

(though he totally thought you were a little younger when he first met you, mostly since you were so short compared to him

it does make for a cute mishap though! he sometimes forgets to call you '-san,' and when he realizes, it's difficult not to giggle at how red he blushes, before muttering a shy 'sorry')

think it'd be a bit funny if you're always unintentionally giving him jumpscares since Jiro seems to always be losing you

where did you come from?? you just appeared out of nowhere! he’d totally yelp (and totally unmanly at that, Jiro would groan all cute), before burning warm when he realizes that oh, it’s just you

ugh, you need to stop giving him mini heart attacks! he can't believe he just did that in front of aniki's girl.. he'd hide himself all shy in the brim of his cap

he’s also rather energetic and very social, so you two would get along well! he matches your energy right away

unfortunately, that means you two are probably a chaotic (and really annoying) duo. for Saburo, anyway

maybe Ichi gets just a little worried over the two of you. maybe

i mean, he trusts you! he trusts Jiro too. it’s just.. could he trust the two of you together? to watch over the house and not burn it down as he runs out and completes this job real quick? he doesn’t know..

but, knowing how (cutely) clumsy you can be.. knowing his younger brother Jiro.. mm, can you really blame Ichi for being a little on edge leaving you two alone?

Jiro would definitely see you as a big sister! though i suppose, sometimes he mistakes you for a little sister bc of your height-

but he thinks you make a pretty good pair for his bro~

annoying — Saburo . . . probably thinks of you, at first

listen, he doesn’t quite have the energy to match yours. he's more reserved, usually holed up in his room. he doesn't really do energy; he gets exhausted just from being in the same room as you

so when Sabu first sees that you're just as peppy and cheery and energetic as any other fool, he can't help but groan

great. another moron to deal with, he'd probably huff

but you’re Ichi-nii’s girlfriend, so he does have to be polite with you, if only because he knows how much his older brother loves you so

but, i mean, you’re always tripping and having near misses, especially near dangerous supplies, like the kitchen (like, seriously?? Saburo huffs) ; he’s always having to look after you! and you’re older than him!! ugh

even Jiro isn’t this much of a klutz

but — and he won’t ever admit — he’d still think of you as an older sister as the days grow and you come over more.

you’re kinda like Jiro in a way: bothersome, annoying, way too energetic this early in the morning. Sabu sighs, already much too exhausted just with being next to you

but. he still has a special sorta spot in his heart for you. you're sorta fun to be around, and.. ok, maybe you did give some good advice here and there. and maybe you did brighten the Yamada house and his day whenever you came over. not that he’d ever say

mm, he supposes he tolerates you. or even a bit more than that

like, if you didn’t come over in a few days, he’d ask why and if you’re ok. i mean, even with Jiro in the house, it still feels a bit too eerily quiet now since you weren't around

he is still oh so very sweet with you, in his own special ‘sabu’ sorta way

like, he would still reach over and grab things from the top shelf for you, even if you don’t ask and even if he seems a bit pouty to do so. and he would totally hang out with you if you asked, even if you're a bit too peppy this early in the day or even if he had other plans that day, as he'd say anyway

and, fine. he’ll admit. sabu thinks you make a pretty good couple with his brother, when you stand side-by-side

[lucky-clover-gazette]

i don't know if i will ever have it in me to post, but i am in the process of writing my first True Smut Fic and it's ridiculous and self indulgent and i'm very proud of myself because oh my god is this difficult to write but i'm DOING IT ANYWAY

[ivorydice]

In the beginning I thought this fic would be 10k of "teehee Noct and Gladio trapped down a mine shaft" and then it turned into this mess of angst and feelings, and now my second draft is currently 28k, just slightly bigger than the entire first draft and I haven't even finished it yet, and so it's looking like it'll be nearly 40k when it's done I'm suffering lmao ✌️

[the-lore-and-art-cave-go-brrrrr]

I did it-

[lord-squiggletits]

whats ur fave megop fic uve written?

I'm not sure honestly 😔 I'm one of those people that hates rereading my own writing, and even though I will sometimes reread my own stuff and go "wow, past me was so smart and cool and clever for writing that," I'm not sure I enjoy any fic in particular? It's not just a matter of self-esteem either.

When I write a story it's sort of like me exorcising a set of thoughts from my brain, and once the story is finished I more or less stop thinking about it because when I finished writing the story and posted it, that act allowed me to say everything I had to say and resolve all the thoughts that prompted me to write the story to begin with.

I guess Pay Unto Evil is probably my favorite fic mostly because of how proud I am about it being such a long project (178k words I think) that took me a year and a half to finish, but it's literally the first novel length project I've ever completed. That being said, I'm not really proud of the earlier chapters of PUE (like... 1-4 or 1-5) because I feel like even though they're good, I didn't have as firm of a grasp on the characters back then as I did around chapter 6/7 and onwards. So it's a mixed bag honestly.

[whysamwhy123]

It took me forever - slowest writer in the world right here - but I've finally sort-finished a first draft of my silly trash Ricky/Christian fic that no one asked for. I say 'sort-of' because while I've written the set-up and the ending, there's a giant hole in the middle that needs to be filled. Pun intended, because ideally, there should be smut that goes right there. But I've never been able to make myself actually write smut before, and every attempt has resulted in me deleting it before posting because I'm just not happy with it at all. Usually, I end up doing a fade-to-black instead and I guess I could do that here but...it really needs them to actually fuck this time. Especially if I somehow end up continuing this AU like I kinda want to but probably won't. I don't know. Maybe I'll give it a shot and see what happens? I ain't holding my breath though - I'm painfully aware of my limitations as a writer and I don't trust myself to write smut that isn't unfathomably embarrassing to read. Y'all should free to laugh at me if/when I fail spectacularly at this.