#and giving us a choice whether or not we want to bury dad or cremate him.....

[stonedstargazer666]

I just did the hardest thing in my life.

Now I'm not sure how to go about talking about something like this.... i'm not all here mentally so just bear with me.... TW: Death, passing of a loved one, and organ donation. self harm mentioned.

I'm in Louisiana… Got here yesterday, everything feels like a blur… yet it feels like it's moving in slow motion…. It feels really good to see my stepmom, and stepsibs and my half brother Bear who came down to Louisiana JUST for me. Bear and our dad didn't really have a relationship, not the way I did with our dad. But Bear came down from Minnesota for me..... and I'm truly grateful for that.

My dad was legally pronounced brain dead on September 3rd 2024. Yesterday, September 4th, 2024. He had his Hero Walk from his ICU room to the ambulance bay…. i feel… I dont know… I've only ever have seen that on like med dramas before.. ya know? There's a place out here were they take him to handle as they put it "His gifts". Because he was an organ donor… I'm so proud of him for that Oh my gods I'm so proud of him for that…. but that walk… seeing all those doctors and nurses staff. some of who are my step moms co workers… it was the hardest thing i have ever done/ had been a part of in my life…. there is already a recipient of his liver. My dad is going to save someone else's life….. (we just got a call from the place that he went to, they were able to recover his liver, and two other things for transplants!!! THREE THINGS. MY dad is helping three different people!!!!)

Before we did the Hero Walk, Bear got to hang up a flag in honor of our dad. which was flown at half mast at the hospital. He's keeping the flag. Yesterday I had the honor of recording his heartbeat, and it's on my phone. I haven't listened to it since recording it.... I'm scared too, but I know that I wanna save up to get a Seattle Seahawks bear from Build a bear and put his heartbeat in that. I know it's going to kill me everytime I play it, but I think it'll also help???? the jury is still out.. lol

THe hero's walk was so surreal.... seeing that in real life.... I...I don't know how to process it... the doctors, nurses, and staff lined the hallways from the ICU to the ambulance bay.... it was so quiet, and I was sobbing the entire time walking behind my dad. He really is a hero... and my respect for him grew. I already had so so much respect for him. But wow.... The hero's walk was up til today, something I only saw on med dramas.... it felt so heavy, every single one of those people in those hallways had such a heavy look of respect and admiration for my dad. I feel like I'm shock kinda.... just a lot going on my head I cant keep things straight tbh...

Everyone has been a mess, but I think my stepmom and I take the cake on being a mess. (She doesn't have Tumblr, and none of my other family do so i'm not worried about them seeing this heh...) I have been dissociating a lot... I think... been blasting Sleep Token a lot to deal with this.... I never thought that my dad would be gone so soon... It's weird sitting in his chair writing this, knowing that he would usually never let anyone else sit in it... I have moments of hearing his voice when it's completely silent.... it's a sound that I will never forget, and his deep belly laugh when you would get him rolling.... his smile... Gods... I don't know how to feel.... it's weird to be here without him.... I wouldn't be sober if it wasn't for my dad, yeah I made the choice to get sober, but he helped me. He let me scream, cry, vent.... I didn't go to rehab, I literally detoxed on a greyhound bus on my way to Ohio. but when I got to Ohio. My dad was a Video call away, and I called him a lot. He didn't care about my ramblings, or the fact that I can never stay on topic.... he did the same thing.

We are cremating him, and having a wake for him with a viewing... which is going to be really hard for me honestly. After seeing him in the ICU.... but I think it'll be nice. and by cremating him. I'll be able to always have a little piece of him with me always. I just need to find something for his ashes, something that means something to both of us. Just us. I don't know where to even start... I'm not gonna be able to do anything until next month anyway...... I honestly feel so lost right now.... I keep thinking who am I gonna call. and my first thought is my dad....

I can't call him, and it hurts so much. But I know he isn't in pain anymore. He's with his dad, and grandpa. He's with my grandma, and aunts who loved him. But.... I feel lost... my heart hurts so much... I know that I'll learn to cope, and with a lot of time. It will get easier, but it doesn't feel like it. It really doesn't...

there is a GoFundMe going... i can get it from my stepmom if anyone wants it.. it was set up by a family friend.. just dm me I guess. i'll answer DMS but that's really it.

Me and my dad in 2019 in Idaho

This picture of my dad, I'm not sure when it was taken, but he looks so cool.

My dad when he was about 17 or so and his Mopar, this is my absolutely favorite picture of him. Picture courtesy of my Uncle Floyd on Facebook hehe.

Then these are pictures of his flag, the first three I took from the parking lot of the hospital. the last one my brother Bear took. I'm gonna post more photos of my dad. My Uncle Floyd, his brother is sending me a lot, and my stepmom and I are going through his facebook page and shes telling me stories about some of them. While going through some of his stuff... I know its soon.... but honestly... I'm keeping a lot of it. IDK where I'm putting it. But so far its mainly clothes, and stuff me and TJ one of my partners can wear. Might give my other partner a shirt if they'd like....

My dad is a hero, and is going to be saving someone's life tonight with the gift of his liver. I am so proud to be his daughter, but at the same time I am so hurt that he's gone. A small piece of him is going to live on with somebody else, whoever that is. I know they will be grateful for this, and that makes me happy. so happy, my dad loved helping people. So he is very much a super hero in my eyes.

Fly high daddy. I love you so much. You are saving one more life tonight, and I am so proud of you. So very proud to be your daughter, thank you for being my dad and one of my best friends. Even if you said that we weren't. I feel in my heart of hearts we were, I will never stop thinking about you. Or what you would do, or say. what jokes you would make, or how you say them. I love you so so much. I know you will be watching over us from now on, and that you wouldn't want me crying. But dammit dad... you know how I am... I can't help it... It's going to take a while before I can think of talk about you with crying. and you know it. you were always my hero for many reasons....

Do you know how hard it is going to be for me? Not being able to call you? Not being able to excitedly chitter to you about small things like my crystals or tarot cards? or...or calling you crying because I don't feel good or I have cramps and you make me feel better by making me laugh?? I know you know... I get the concept. heh.. But...I guess something is coming from it. I'm getting to know my Uncle Floyd better... He misses you a lot dad, Floyd loves you so much. He's sending me all of these really neat pictures of you guys... and he was making me laugh. Explaining the difference between having a mullet, and having long hair with bangs... lol

Floyd has been checking in on me and everyone almost daily, I haven't talked to him this much ever... which, yeah I know I can't take all the blame. He even said so.... You know you two are so much alike its kinda scary. heh. He called me princess the other day while I was on greyhound. I don't think he was thinking about it to be honest. He's been calling me kiddo a lot, kinda like you did. I think its cute. hehehe. But I think sadly this was the push I needed to connect with him more... He also has a really nice voice, just like yours. And the push I needed to connect with Kim more too.

I know that because of my mom, my relationship with Kim has been kinda weird. But I'm realizing that... some information was revealed and more clarified to me about certain happenings with my mom and wellll.... let's just say there are A LOT of emotions right now with that... I don't even know where to begin on that.... woooboyyyy dad... there's a lot to unpack there... and I know we've kinda touched on this crap here and there and really talked about things from your point of view. But Kim told me stuffs that.... Well I'm gonna need to talk to my therapist about it first because I really don't know how to process it. Because it was during the time I was treating you so horribly.... and I'm sorry... I didn't fully know or understand what was going on. I know I know I don't have to apologize for anything I know. But knowing this new information..... I'm sorry..... I'm so sorry. Ok i'm gonna try not to say that anymore. TRY.

I'm taking a lot of your clothes to be honest, oh and Ace is like my best friend now. Look! HE HUGE DAD HOLY FUCK

As soon as I started talking to Floyd Ace came out and started loving on me. I love him so much dad, he's so soft and sweet oh my gosh. But he misses you. He's definitely your cat lol for sure your cat. Everytime attacks Kim I giggle I can't help it. it's so funny, Tucker and Flash miss you too. Tucker has been so happy to see me. I love those dogs so much. I'm so happy to see them, and cuddle with them!!!! it's been so nice to be writing this and being able to set this aside to love on one of them for a minute. It's also been nice to spend time with Bear, We hung out a little yesterday.

He needed to run to Walmart, I tagged along cause well I wanted to go for a car ride. and I wanted to spend time with him too. He did drive all the way down here for me.... and yeah I know. I'm just glad he's here, he's getting some kind of closure with all of this... I know I've always been kinda like the fixer.. always trying to fix things... like relationships. like with my mom and Kim.

I now understand what was really going on... and I...I can't fix that. I can't, I have my own shit I need to worry about dad... like how i'm gonna live without you.... how am I going to do that?? I know I have TJ and Fruits... Kim, Bear, Floyd... Yes I've been constantly talking to TJ. I've been keeping him updated every step of the way....

But not you.... goddammit dad..... I know I'm going to be ok eventually, but this fucking sucks right now... My mind is racing, one minute I'm laughing about something you joked about or said, the next i'm shaking and sobbing because you aren't here... I feel like i'm constantly panicking.... I would totally lose my mind if I wasn't here with Kim and them... honestly I think if I wasn't here with them, I think I would be hurting myself right now or wanting to be really badly.... and that's a scary thought to be honest. I don't know if I do right now... but so much has been going on that I haven't really thought bout it frankly. I'm keeping a lot of your shirts for myself and TJ. I'm gonna see if J wants any of them. If not, well I'm not worried about it. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I promise to take good care of your shirts that your dad gave you. I have a lot of good memories of you two together, so to have some of these shirts that I vividly remember grandpa Taylor wearing when I was little, then seeing you wearing them... now me... its.... very special to me. And I'm very honored?? I'm not sure if that's the right term, but i'm gonna go with it...Of course I'm taking your Kiss Blankie, and one of your Seahawks shirts. my favorite one. the one you always wore, you know the one. hehe. I even have the shirt J and I made for you when we were teeny tiny. My handprint is so small oh my gosh dadddd... I promise to take good care of it.

Gods....there's so much more I wanna say. But I'm not really sure how too... I definitely feel like i'm still in shock...I thought I still had time... Dad... You HAVE to tell people when you don't feel good, I know you don't like people worrying about you but... THIS IS WHYY!! GOD dad.... I'm happy your not in pain anymore I'm so happy for that, cause god knows that you hated it so much... But this was too fucking sudden for everyone. Too fucking sudden old man.... Christ... leaving me...us like this... fucking hell dad.... I just... I need you. here with me. I'm always going to need you. I don't know what I'm going to do without you.... you were a really good man whether you believe it yourself or not.

You ARE a good man, you saved three different lives.... but mine is going to be changed forever and you know how much I hate change like this..... Honestly personally I don't think I'll ever really get over this, or this trauma... I really don't think I will. I hate this so much I do. plain and simple. I want you here with me dammit, it's not fucking fair! It's so not fucking fair!! I hate feeling like i'm being selfish when I know this is normal....I feel like I have to be strong for everyone else I don't wanna be. I spent most of my life hating you because of my mom!!! I HATE MYSELF FOR THAT AND ITS NOT MY FAULT. I missed out because of her, and because she lied to me about a lot of things..... and that's time I will never get back with you.... that kills me so badly..... like oh my gods it hurts bad.... so much..... I know there is still a lot of high running emotions. But you know how strongly I felt and loved.... gods... How am I going to this without you? I know I will..... but right now...I don't know how... I really don't know how..... I love you so much this hurts so badly.... I don't think I can properly pet into words how bad i'm hurting.... how badly i'm missing you right now. I know for a fact that if you were here right now, we would be talking about everything under the sun. Gods I need that right now..... I really do daddy... I just wanna talk to you, and laugh and hug you.

I would give almost anything for just one more day.... just to hear your voice, see your green eyes. hear your laugh.... feel your arms around me... I am so glad that we were able to work on our relationship. So fucking grateful. you mean so much to me daddy, you really do. I hope you know how much you mean to me.... I really really hope you do . I love you dad. I will talk soon.... maybe... might start a sideblog with letters for you... I'll have to think about that for a little bit. But I love you daddy. I will talk you later. toodles....

[lovemesomesurveys]

How do you feel about full length beards? I’m not into a lot of facial hair. I like some scruff, but that’s it. Have you ever been to a circus? Yeah, once. I was naive and didn’t know about the abuse that went on at the time. Do you know anyone who’s gone to a Fat Camp? No. Do you use Facebook IM everyday? No. I don’t even remember the last time I used it. How many surveys have you done already today? This is my first.

What’s the WORST show on Adult Swim? I don’t care for the Adult Swim shows. Family Guy and American Dad is okay, but after that it gets too stupid and weird for me. Sorry. Like once I saw this show, Mr. Pickles, and uh... wtf. The episode I saw was very disturbing. I don’t get the appeal of Rick and Morty at all. And why the hell is Mike Tyson Mysteries a thing? That’s just to name a few. I see previews of other shows and I just... wow. Do you have any relatives that have shunned you, or vice versa? No. Has anyone ever posted a HORRIBLE picture of you for everyone to see? Not maliciously or because they thought it was horrible and wanted to embarrass me, but yeah. My mom has posted photos where she didn’t see anything wrong and she thinks I looked fine, but I was like EW NO take that down it’s hideous. I reallyyyy don’t like photos of me taken by someone else. I have to take my own photos if I’m going to take one at all because I know the angles and lighting and can add a filter. Plus, I can take a ton before finally settling on one. If someone else takes the photo and they want to post it, I have to approve. Which grade in school was the most fun for you? I enjoyed elementary and middle school. High school had its ups and downs, but there were parts I liked. I liked the last 2 years the best. Which would you rather have, a new puppy or kitten? I wouldn’t want another pet right now to be honest. We have our doggo and one suits our family best right now. Does drama seem to follow you everywhere you go? No, thankfully. I have other issues I struggle with, but not drama. Do you ever just want to go away to a new place where no one knows you? I don’t live in a small town where everyone knows everyone and I was never Miss Popularity, so apart from family and a few other people, not a lot of people know me. However, I do want move away to a new place. My family and I have wanted to for a long time, we just haven’t been able to. A change of environment and scenery would be really nice. You’re ordering a pizza, you can have any kind of toppings, what are they? I’m a simple gal, I just like white sauce, feta and ricotta cheese, garlic, spinach, and crumbled meatballs with pesto drizzled on top. Do you hit ‘quiet’ or ‘ignore’ on your cell? Which one usually? Nah. If my phone rings and I don’t want to answer it, I just let it ring. Do you ever regret giving your number to people? I have before with some people. Have you ever been told that you’re afraid of your own shadow? Haha yeah. Have you ever tried Gouda cheese? Nope. Does/did your high school have pop machines? No. They decided to remove them the year I entered high school, which I was mad about. Do you use a public computer, or do you have your own? I have my own laptop. Do you ever find it odd how you type LOL when you’re not really laughing? >> No, because I understand that its function has moved far beyond representing actual laughing-out-loud. <<< Yeah. I remember discussing that in a class once. Have you ever gambled? A couple times. Not my thing. Although, what really made my experience unenjoyable wasn’t so much the gambling, it was that the casinos I’ve been to allow smoking and I don’t do well with cigarette smoke. At all. It gives me a killer headache, makes my heart rate go up, and makes me feel dizzy and sick. It’s awful. The smell in the casinos was too overbearing for me, so I spent very little time inside. Do you know anyone who’s won the lottery? No. If you could work at any retail store, which one would it be? I really don’t want to work retail. And that’s not shade toward retail workers AT ALL. I salute you, honestly. You deal with a lot of shit. What’s the shortest you would ever cut your hair? I had a “bob” for a few years. Do you listen to any deathcore? No. Do you subscribe to any teen magazines? Which ones? No. I’m also 30 years old. Do you know someone who never smiles? Never? No. Has anyone ever made you feel uncomfortable at work? I’ve never had a job. Do you still watch South Park? I never did. I mean, I’ve seen bits here and there before because my brother used to watch it, but I was never into it myself. Tell me one movie you’ve seen recently that sucked: My mom, brother, and I recently watched this movie on Netflix called, The Platform. It had potential and was interesting at first, but the ending was just... no. It seemed abrupt and I was just really confused. Have you ever carved something into a dinner booth somewhere? No. When’s the last time you were carded at a bar? When I last went to the bar, which was almost 10 years ago. Do you smoke little cigars? Have you ever tried them? Nooo. You’re babysitting, what do you expect per hour for pay? Pfft, no I’m not babysitting. What’s the last thing you returned at a store? I very rarely return things so I have no idea. It’s been a long time. What’s the name of the last cat you pet? I don’t even recall the last time I petted a cat. Do you still look at clouds and make shapes of them? I haven’t in a long time. If you had to dye your hair for one year, what color would you pick? I already do, I dye it red. Who’s got your heart? Me. What’s your television addiction? I have several shows that I’m into. Have you ever stringed green beans before? No. What do you do to make yourself more relaxed when you’re nervous? It’s hard to calm myself when I’m anxious, but I try to distract by talking to someone, listening to ASMR, watching TV or something on YouTube, or reading.  Do you cook? If so, what’s the last thing you made? The only thing I cook is ramen. Oh wait actually I made a grilled cheese sandwich the other day. ha.  Have you ever had any painful dental work done? If so, what? Yeah, a few things. How do you usually spend your Saturdays? I spend all my days and nights the same, really. Do you make your own jewelry or clothing? Last year I briefly got into making beaded bracelets. I made a few. What’s your favorite thing to do when you’re bored? I do the same things everyday whether I’m bored or not: spend time on my social medias, watch YouTube, read, watch TV, scroll through Tumblr, do surveys, just lie there.... ha. Somedays just feel like they’re dragging and going by extra slow and the things I listed above that I like doing just don’t cut it so I just lie there mindlessly watching TV or go to sleep. Do you use drawing to describe what you’re feeling? No. Do you like the smell of new school supplies? As a kid I did. Like getting a new box of crayons. Do you give everything you do 100%? No. I certainly haven’t with life... Do you shop at any independent music stores? No. I don’t shop at any music stores. How do you feel about mainstream music? I like a lot of it.

What song lyrics describe your mood at the moment? *shrug* Do you have healthy eating habits? No. My eating habits are messed up. I have issues with appetite and other issues.

If you could transform into any kind of animal, what animal would you be? A dog. Are you superstitious? If so, what are you superstitious about? I do the knock on wood thing, but it’s just out of habit, really. If you could travel anywhere in the world where would it be? There’s so many places I’d like to visit. What food disgusts you the most? I don’t do seafood at all. What is your favorite thing to cook? Ramen. One place you would never want to get lost in in the dark? I wouldn’t want to get lost anywhere in the dark. :O Are you claustrophobic? Yes. What is your worst flaw? Oh where to start. One thing that always creeps you out? ALL bugs. What is your biggest fear? Losing loved ones, death, never getting better/getting worse, never doing anything with my life and just wasting away... If you could be reincarnated, would you come back as another human or an animal? If an animal, what kind? I don’t believe in reincarnation. Ideal way you’d like to die? Obviously painlessly, but jeez. If you could be roommates with anyone of your choice, who would you pick? I like living with my family. What is the most ridiculous thing you’ve ever heard? Uh, a lot of things. Your favorite kind of dog? I love doggos, but I definitely have a special thing for Labs and German Shepherds. Do you have any scars? If so, how many? I have a lot of scars. I’m not going to count them. What is your favorite scary movie to watch in the dark? I don’t watch them in the dark. Unless I’m at the theater, obviously. I love scary movies, though. Would you rather be buried or cremated when you die? Cremated. What is your favorite thing to drink? Alcoholic and non alcoholic? Coffee and Starbucks Doubleshot energy drinks. That’s also coffee, but you know what I mean. I don’t have a favorite alcoholic drink, I don’t drink. What is your favorite food around the holidays? I love either ham or turkey depending on the holiday and mashed potatoes with gravy, stuffing, and rolls. Easiest way to scare you? I’m such a jumpy, easily scarable (it’s a word, shh) person so you could really just say hi and I’ll jump. haha. Like my back faces my bedroom door and if I don’t hear anyone coming in or they just poke their head in to say something I’ll jump. lmao. Tell me one of your biggest secrets? Nah. What was your last nightmare about? It’s been awhile since I’ve had one, thankfully.

[corvid-knight]

One More Brother

The Striders acquire one more member, and D attends a funeral.

This goes with Being A Brother Is Hard As Hell and takes place after How To Deal With Murder!

(Read it on ao3 here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13820532)

When Bro calls you, you're in the middle of a consultation with one of the voice actors, and you let it ring through to voicemail. Of course you do; he calls you a lot, and ninety percent of the time it's something that can wait. Most of the other ten percent is shit that can wait too, come to think of it; he just overreacts to it.

The second time it rings, you also let it go to voicemail.

When your cell starts ringing only a few seconds after it stopped the last time, you sigh and get to your feet, glancing at the slightly-confused guy you'd been explaining his character to. "Excuse me for a sec, I think I've got some family shit going on..."

He nods and gives you an understanding look, and you step out into the hall.

"Bro, what—"

"You need to come home.

"I can't just ditch this shit—"

"I'm not fucking joking, D. Get your ass back here."

He sounds as calm as he always does on the phone; you absolutely hate that he's not giving you any verbal cues to work off of. This could be him getting pissed over something you did and forgot about, this could be him wanting backup on some little thing with Dirk, this could be Dirk having finally managed to get ahold of one of the weapons from Bro's extensive collection (you really hope it's not that one...wait, he wants you to come home, not to the hospital, so it must not be), it could be about fucking anything. His tone doesn't give anything away.

"Why am I coming home, exactly?"

There's the sound of him exhaling heavily close to the phone, and—you think—the sound of a baby fussing. Which is weird as fuck, if that's what you actually heard; Dirk's eight years old, at least six years past the sounds you can just barely hear.

"We got another brother," he says finally. "And you need to be at a fucking funeral in an hour and a half, unless you want me to be the one to go."

"Whose?"

"Your parents'." Yours, not ours, even though the latter's the more accurate term. It's also a term he hasn't used since they dropped him off to live with you. "Hurry up and get home."

"Bro—" The phone beeps halfway through the word; he hung up. "...shit."

For a second, you just lean against the wall, tucking your phone back into your shirt pocket and closing your eyes. Today's definitely going to be a shitshow, you think.

It takes some fast talking to get you out of the rest of the shit you're supposed to do today, but not quite as much as you expected. You guess that that's a combination of two things: number one, everyone expects "artists" to be temperamental, even if you're usually pretty fucking good at showing up and putting in the work for your screenplays. More so than anybody else, it seems, since half your job is bullying everyone else into actually getting the damn job done.

Number two, the phrase "my parents just died" is nothing short of magical. The fact that you can't seem to dredge up any emotions other than annoyance for having them fuck up your life again (which you're very careful to hide; the bereaved son isn't supposed to be irritated about the state he's just been shoved into) and dread for the upcoming experience of having to attend a gathering of people who knew them and only know of you.

Thankfully, dread can apparently be mistaken for grief, if that's what people want to see, and you walk out with the understanding that you may be back tomorrow, but if you end up taking a long weekend, no one's going to say anything. You'll definitely be back tomorrow, but they don't need to know that right now.

That takes fifteen minutes.

The drive back to the apartment takes half an hour.

Bro meets you at the door, shoving a folder overstuffed with papers at you. "Clothes're on the bed. There's shit in there you need to sign, the attorney'll be at the funeral."

"Yeah." You take the folder, but your attention's totally caught up by the baby your brother's holding against his shoulder. And it's an actual baby, not a toddler like Dirk was when you got him; this kid's so little your breath catches in your throat, his face buried in Bro's neck so you can only see a fluff of hair so fine and light that it looks white. "Let me see him, man."

"You're already going to be late by the time you finish getting ready." But when you set the folder down and hold out your arms, he hands the baby over willingly enough, stepping back and crossing his arms. Oh, he's pissed over some aspect of this—more likely at having your parents dragged back into his life than at the kid, though.

The baby whines at the change between Dirk and you, opening his eyes and crinkling his nose at you. Red eyes, like yours, and his hair really is a white that you're willing to bet won't darken with age—recessive genes hit him too, didn't they? Instead of crying, he blinks and reaches to try to swipe your shades off your face.

You tilt your head back to keep them in place and realize there's a lump in your throat. You're going to cry over how small and perfect this kid is.

"Gonna be late," Bro says again, and holds out his arms for the baby.

"I don't give a shit." You do hand him back, reluctantly. "If I'm late, I'm late. Screw it, right?"

"If it was me, I'd say that." He shrugs, adjusting the kid until said kid stops whining to come back to you. "But you know if I went I'd end up in jail for assault; no fuckin' way I can last more than a couple minutes in a room full of people who agree with those assholes."

"Which is why I'm the one going."

"Yeah, exactly. So you better fucking go, 'less you want them to be whispering about the shitty kinda person you are the whole time."

You can't help but laugh at that, as you head for your bedroom. "Hey, they'll do that anyway."

Fifteen minutes to make yourself presentable. Longer than you really want to take, but not as much time as you probably should. Then again, unless anyone you're going to meet has seen you at opening night for one of your films, they don't know that this isn't your best look of all time.

Bro absolutely refuses to let you drive. He gives you the choice of letting him drive you—not fucking happening, since it'd mean either taking the baby in the car without a carseat, or leaving him home for Dirk to watch—or taking an Uber. You go with the former, not that you really have a choice since Bro has your car keys.

So, the drive takes forty-five minutes instead of the half hour you would've shaved it down to. The downside of that is that it makes you inarguably late; the upside is that it gives you time to read through and sign the paperwork Bro gave you. Roughly a quarter of it's stuff you've signed twice before—custody documents, shit that confirms that you're Dave Strider's legal guardian now. The rest is shit that seems to be asking you to renounce any claim you might've had to your parents' estate.

Since you have no fucking claim to anything of theirs anymore, and don't want one, you sign those with absolutely no hesitation.

The last page is a list of shit you do get out of this.

The baby—Dave. A fucking furnished house, which you intend to put on the market more or less immediately. No way are you ever setting foot in there again. A safety deposit box, contents not listed here.

You're almost afraid to wonder what's in there.

You get everything filled out, and when the short guy with a worried expression and a horrible suit heads for you, you find a smile for him and hand over the folder. While he's going through the contents to check that you signed where you were supposed to, you slip your shades off and do your damnedest to disappear into the crowd of people already here.

It's not technically a funeral but something between a wake and a reception; your parents will be cremated. There's two closed coffins surrounded with too fucking many flowers at one end of the large room. You don't intend to go anywhere near them. There's tables with food and alcohol, probably the most expensive kinds of both that anyone could round up.

A drink sounds really damn good right now, but you don't intend to have one. The reasoning is partly that even if you end up just a little drunk, it'll look worse than you want it to, and partly your purely, stubbornly vindictive refusal to take anything of theirs.

Persephone in Hades comes to mind. Eat the fruit, get trapped here for-fucking-ever. Then again, from the looks you're getting, you're the devil here.

You stifle a sigh and make yourself a bet on how long it'll tke the looks and whispers to become something else.

Surprisingly, it's more than an hour. You get uncomfortable smiles and "we're so sorry for your loss" and "such a shame" and "it's such a pity about their son" until you want to put your fist through a wall.

That last one is what makes your blood boil, really; you don't give a fuck about your parents, haven't for more than a decade, but they're sorry for the baby, sorry for Dave, and that's so fucked up. He's too young to remember any of this shit, not that they're sorry because he might be traumatized by losing his parents. No, they're sorry for him because you'll be the one raising him, his brother who doesn't have a girlfriend at thirty and probably never will, his brother who didn't force the other two sons to come to say goodbye to the people they got their genes from, his brother, instead of a nice normal couple who don't give a fuck about their kids.

Never mind that Bro hates them. Never mind that Dirk barely remembers when he called the people raising him mom and dad instead of Bro and D. Never mind that you love your brothers more than your parents ever loved you or them. These assholes pity the kids and judge you and don't bother to hide it, and you're starting to debate whether you're going to have to have that drink after all.

Then the woman with the half-full glass walks up to you, and you realize that it's a good thing you didn't make up your mind on the drink yet.

"Can I help you?" you ask her, taking a step back as she gets further into your personal space than you're okay with. There's absolutely no chance that she actually wants something concrete from you, but you're not the fucking source of entertainment here. You're going to be polite. This is the reason you're here and Bro isn't: because you can be polite, even when you're gritting your teeth so hard your jaw hurts.

"You should be ashamed of yourself," she hisses, actually hisses, at you. She's at least a foot and a half shorter than you and twice your age, and even though she has to look up to scowl at you she takes another step forward.

"Ma'am, how about we assume I'm ashamed and you back off me a little?" She's too fucking close and you want to push her away. Instead, you keep your hands at your sides and retreat the eight inches or so that you can, until your back hits the wall.

"Your parents would be so ashamed of you—"

"My parents disowned me when I was fourteen years old and contacted me twice since then, both times to tell me I needed to raise one of my younger brothers because they didn't give a shit about the kids." You state the facts calmly and don't outwardly wince when she does the precise opposite of stepping back. "I'm not sure what you know about them, but you sure as hell don't know anything about me, so I'm afraid you don't know what you're talking about."

"Language!"

"Ma'am, if you get any closer to me you're about to hear some actual fucking language."

The hope there was that she'll get insulted enough to storm off in a huff, maybe complain about you to some of the other old fuckers here. What actually happens is that her eyes go wide and furious, she takes a single step back, and you barely have time to close your eyes before the contents of her glass splatter across your face.

Alcohol burns your eyes and nose, and you have to bite back another obscenity. You very deliberately wipe first one eye, then the other with the heel of your hand, keeping your movements slow and precise, shaking off droplets of...cognac. At least that's what it tastes like.

Waste of good liquor.

When you open your eyes, she's still standing there looking at you like you're the antichrist.

You give her the most polite grin you can muster, flip her off with both hands, and very carefully don't brush against her as you head for the side of the room with the food—and more importantly, the alcohol.

To your credit, you successfully resist the impulse to just get drunk. Two drinks—whiskey instead of cognac, expensively smooth over the burn of alcohol—carry you through another half hour or so, and when that's gone by you walk out and call an Uber. And yes, you earn more dirty looks while you're standing outside the building waiting for it to arrive, but you're so fucking done with the people in there that it's not funny.

The sympathetic look that the driver gives you as you get in the car sets you off. You manage to get your seatbelt buckled, despite the fact that your hands're shaking; as she pulls onto the highway you double over in your seat and cry, hard. It's almost purely out of anger and frustration, with your parents and yourself, but it must look enough like grief that the woman in the driver's seat doesn't ask if you're okay.

Then again, it could be that she just isn't paid enough to ask. Or that she thinks you're just a sad drunk. You do smell like one, thanks to that bitch.

Anyway, having your ten-minute meltdown on the ride home is good, because it means by the time you open the door to the apartment you've gotten yourself to a state where it looks like you didn't have a meltdown at all.

The apartment is very quiet. You find Dirk sitting on the floor in front of the couch, his headphones on and his attention completely fixed on the laptop in front of him. Your laptop, actually. Bro's asleep on the couch with the baby nestled next to him, safe from falling off.

Dirk looks up and untangles himself from the headphones when you crouch down next to him. "Hey, D."

"Hey yourself. What're you doing with my computer, buddy?"

"Making it work better." From another eight-year-old that might seem like wishful thinking, but you believe your little bro. "I already did mine, and Bro was mad so I didn't wanna mess with his."

"He's not mad at you, man." As Dirk closes the laptop you hold out your arms, and he reaches for you with no hesitation. If he's this eager for comfort, Bro must've snapped at him at least. "Some shit went down that stressed him out, is all."

"Still mad," Dirk mumbles, pressing his face into your neck for a moment. " 's still scary."

That hurts a little.

"You don't have to be scared of Bro, Dirk."

"...yeah. I know." He shrugs against your arms, and pulls back enough to look up at you curiously. "Did he mean it when he said Dave was my bro too?"

"Hell yeah he did. Now you're the big bro; is that cool or what?"

The worst thing you could expect from Dirk is a puzzled look and maybe a suggestion of what this could be called other than "cool." But he goes for the polar opposite: an exited grin and an emphatic nod of his head. "So fucking cool."

"No swearing. Did Bro let you hold him yet?"

From the way his orange eyes go wide at the suggestion, you're going to take that as a no. You let go of Dirk and gently push him away, getting up to lean over Bro and Dave. The latter's awake, those familiar red eyes blinking slowly up at you as he yawns and waves his arms.

You wouldn't be surprised if he cried when you picked him up, but he doesn't.. Just makes soft baby-sounds and reaches for your shades where they're hooked into the collar of your shirt.

"C'mon, lil' dude, you don't want those."

Dirk's watching you; you sit down and wait for him to do the same, then deposit Dave on his lap and guide his hands to support the baby properly.

God, you wish you were taking pictures of this. The amazed look on Dirk's face is fucking priceless.

Bro chuckles, and you look over to see that he has his phone out, doing exactly that. He shoves his shades up with his free hand, meeting your eyes with a small grin. "Cute," he says.

"Really damn cute." You put your hand down, and Dave grabs your finger. "Both of y'all, you know that?"

Dirk only looks up at you for a moment to nod. Then he's fully focused on his baby brother again. You feel like he'll stay like that as long as you'll let him.

Damn, but you're so fucking happy that your brothers love each other as much as you love them.

[mendesstg-blog]

1 - 200 I WANNA KNOOOW 😊💕

Took all day, but she answered mine so I’ll answer her’s ❤️

200: My crush’s name is: Shawn Mendes ofc


199: I was born in: Wisconsin, USA. Date: Aug 26


198: I am really: Passionate about music, caring, and shy until I get to know you


197: My cellphone company is: Sprint


196: My eye color is: Brown (sometimes hazel or green, but usually brown)


195: My shoe size is: Depends on the shoe. I range from 6 to 8.5


194: My ring size is: 6


193: My height is: 5'1" (yeah ik I’m short but I like my height lol)


192: I am allergic to: idk, but I have seasonal allergies


191: My 1st car was: Haven’t gotten it yet


190: My 1st job was: babysit I guess (if that counts)


189: Last book you read: Sherlock Holmes


188: My bed is: a futon at my dad’s and a normal bed (? lol) at my mom’s. They’re both comfy


187: My pet(s): 1 dog, his name is Koby


186: My best friend: Is amazing and I love her so much. She’s helped me through a lot. 


185: My favorite shampoo is: Head and Shoulders


184: Xbox or ps3: Xbox
183: Piggy banks are: Cool. I still have one and I just emptied it for the Shawn Mendes concert lol


182: In my pockets: don’t have pockets on my pants rn


181: On my calendar: School events, vacations, college stuff, and weddings.


180: Marriage is: beautiful when you see two people absolutely in love with each other


179: Spongebob can: give me a crabby patty. Seriously. I’ve been waiting since I was 5
 

178: My mom: Annoys me sometimes, we don’t agree on certain things, but I still love her. 


177: The last three songs I bought were: Havana by Camila Cabello, Kiwi by Harry Styles, and It’s a Vibe by 2 Chainz


176: Last YouTube video watched: makeup videos lol


175: How many cousins do you have?: 9


174: Do you have any siblings?: 2 younger brothers


173: Are your parents divorced?: yes.


172: Are you taller than your mom?: We’re the same height by she argues that she’s taller


171: Do you play an instrument?: Clarinet, violin, piano, ukulele, and guitar 


170: What did you do yesterday?: spent all day with my school’s marching band and ended up looking like neopolitan ice cream because i got so burnt


[ I Believe In ] 

169: Love at first sight: idk


168: Luck: yes


167: Fate: yes


166: Yourself: YES OFC


165: Aliens: yes


164: Heaven: yes more or less


163: Hell: yes more or less


162: God: yes more or less


161: Horoscopes: idk, I occasionally read mine


160: Soul mates: idk


159: Ghosts: yes


158: Gay Marriage: YES 🏳️‍🌈


157: War: fuck no


156: Orbs: maybe? Idk what they are


155: Magic: idk


[ This or That ]

154: Hugs or Kisses: depends. Hugs i guess


153: Drunk or High: neither. You can have fun without alcohol or drugs


152: Phone or Online: both


151: Redheads or Black haired: both


150: Blondes or Brunettes: both. Honestly hair color doesn’t matter


149: Hot or cold: both


148: Summer or winter: summer but like winter is beautiful too (i just don’t like shoveling)


147: Autumn or Spring: both


146: Chocolate or vanilla: chocolate


145: Night or Day: both lol

 
144: Oranges or Apples: apples wellllll oranges no both (IM SORRY FOR BEING INDECISIVE)


143: Curly or Straight hair: curly


142: McDonalds or Burger King: McDonalds


141: White Chocolate or Milk Chocolate:both


140: Mac or PC: Mac


139: Flip flops or high heels: Flip flops for everyday wear and heels for events


138: Ugly and rich OR sweet and poor: sweet and poor


137: Coke or Pepsi: Coke


136: Hillary or Obama: OBAMA!!!


135: Buried or cremated: idk


134: Singing or Dancing: both


133: Coach or Chanel: Coach


132: Kat McPhee or Taylor Hicks: idk


131: Small town or Big city: Both


130: Wal-Mart or Target: i like both but I shop at walmart more


129: Ben Stiller or Adam Sandler: Adam Sandler


128: Manicure or Pedicure: Manicure


127: East Coast or West Coast: hard choice


126: Your Birthday or Christmas: hmm


125: Chocolate or Flowers: which ever


124: Disney or Six Flags: Disney only because I’ve never been to six flags


123: Yankees or Red Sox: Red sox


[ Here’s What I Think About ]

122: War: I think it is dumb. Fighting over cultural difference shouldn’t happen instead it differences should be embraced. Who knows how many different wars there will be in my future let alone my future children’s.


121: George Bush: I honestly don’t have one


120: Gay Marriage: Everyone should be able to marry whomever they love. Why does it have to be voted on whether they can get married or not? Just let them live, be loved, and be happy.


119: The presidential election: It amazes me how he was elected. I am team Hillary. I have my opinions and you have yours. I respect that, but I’d rather not share mine.


118: Abortion: It is 2017, almost 2018, and women still don’t have control of their own bodies. I’m pro-choice. Abortion should be given as a choice to women. My mom had an abortion before she had me because she was really ill.


117: MySpace: haha never used it so don’t have an opinion about it


116: Reality TV: yeah it can be fun to watch but honestly what’s the point? Everyone’s own lives are hectic too


115: Parents: Some are great, some are bad. Some are controlling, some don’t care enough.


114: Back stabbers: I’ve dealt with many of you, but it’s your fault that you lost out on a great friend. Hated you guys for a while because I thought we were good friends, but I’m thankful toxic people like you are out of my life.


113: Ebay: is the shit. I got a crap ton of barbie clothes for my dolls when I was younger from there. Haven’t gone on there for a while tho


112: Facebook: the go-to app for when parents are around. That’s the only most censored app I have that I go on when they’re around


111: Work: wish I had one because all of my friends are making money, but once I get one I’ll wish I didn’t have a job so I can have more free time. It’s not like my parents will let me get a job anyways.


110: My Neighbors: Never really talk to any of my neighbors at my dads or my moms. Pretty sure they get annoyed with how loud I play my music


109: Gas Prices: i remember when it costed $5 or $6 a gallon. Please stay at $2.35 


108: Designer Clothes: hella cool but also hella expensive. Thankful for cute cheap stores because I’m about to be a broke college student


107: College: thankful for the opportunity to get a higher education, but it’s always super expensive. If more jobs require a degree, why can’t we just make it more efficient to get a degree with less money? But that’s also too much to ask for


106: Sports: I like watching it and playing it is also fun. 


105: My family: My parents divorced had me go through shit mentally and physically. (no they didn’t abuse me, their divorce was just difficult) I hope one day you two will stop acting like children and not beat down the other parent when we spend the night at your house. But I know it won’t ever end. I’m thankful my younger brothers won’t remember your divorce and they’re what keeps me going.

104: The future: I can’t wait to see what you hold. I can’t wait to go to college. I can’t wait to go into my career choice. I can’t wait to meet that special person. I can’t wait to start a family. I’m just excited for you
[ Last time I ]

103: Hugged someone: An hour ago when I put my brothers to sleep

102: Last time you ate: idk 2-3 hours ago


101: Saw someone I haven’t seen in a while: a year ago


100: Cried in front of someone: yesterday


99: Went to a movie theater: 2 years ago


98: Took a vacation: idk if you count it, but my school trip this past spring 


97: Swam in a pool: 2 years ago


96: Changed a diaper: 4 years ago


95: Got my nails done: I think I was 7? Idk I do my nail myself now


94: Went to a wedding: 12 years ago


93: Broke a bone: never broke a bone


92: Got a piercing: I got my ears pierced before I turned 1 and I got my nose pierced on my birthday last year


91: Broke the law: idk
90: Texted: like 5 min ago


[ MISC ]

89: Who makes you laugh the most: my brothers or my best friend Kate


88: Something I will really miss when I leave home is: Brothers or my doggo


87: The last movie I saw: Boss baby


86: The thing that I’m looking forward to the most: going to college, interning, and getting a job in my career (Ik it’s 3 things but I’m excited lol)


85: The thing i’m not looking forward to: Moving away from loved ones


84: People call me: Mia


83: The most difficult thing to do is: Forgive someone who hurt you badly. Like truly forgive them 


82: I have gotten a speeding ticket: never gotten a speeding ticket


81: My zodiac sign is: Virgo


80: The first person i talked to today was: My dad


79: First time you had a crush: 5 or 6 and it was on Zac Efron


78: The one person who i can’t hide things from: idk, maybee my best friend


77: Last time someone said something you were thinking: Yesterday 


76: Right now I am talking to: my internet besties ❤️


75: What are you going to do when you grow up: something in the music industry


74: I have/will get a job: whenever my parents let me


73: Tomorrow: I will get up early, ride on a bus for 3 hours, and march in a parade


72: Today: I cut my hair short AND I FUCKING LOVE IT


71: Next Summer: I will try to spend as much time with my bestfriend before we leave for different colleges


70: Next Weekend: I get to spend with my best friend


69: I have these pets: Beagle- Eskimo cross


68: The worst sound in the world: whining when they don’t get what they want or smacking gum


67: The person that makes me cry the most is: honestly whoever cries in front of me I will cry with them


66: People that make you happy: Family, my dog, and my friends


65: Last time I cried: yesterday


64: My friends are: honest and caring


63: My computer is: an old macbook pro but it still works and I love it


62: My School: is full of fake people and drama


61: My Car: Don’t have one


60: I lose all respect for people who: lie, cheat, and treat people like they are less than them


59: The movie I cried at was: I can’t remember but I think TFIOS


58: Your hair color is: brown


57: TV shows you watch: Shadowhunters, Raven’s Home, Jane the virgin, Riverdale, and others I can’t remember


56: Favorite web site: Tumblr or twitter


55: Your dream vacation: big city in new york with my best friend or toronto with my grand parents/aunts


54: The worst pain I was ever in was: during my parents divorce 


53: How do you like your steak cooked: medium rare


52: My room is: boring, cozy, and a little bit messy


51: My favorite celebrity is: Shawn Mendes, duh


50: Where would you like to be: Somewhere where I can say “I finally made it"


49: Do you want children: Yes!! I can’t wait to have kids


48: Ever been in love: I don’t think so


47: Who’s your best friend: Some beautiful, crazy, weird girl named Kate i guess (let’s see if she reads this later)


46: More guy friends or girl friends: I have more girl friends than I do guys, but I wish I had more guy friends


45: One thing that makes you feel great is: music


44: One person that you wish you could see right now: My grandpa


43: Do you have a 5 year plan: I guess yeah, but it’s very loosely planned


42: Have you made a list of things to do before you die: no


41: Have you pre-named your children: thought of names, but not planned them lol


40: Last person I got mad at: idk


39: I would like to move to: Cali, New york, by my grand parent in canada, and where I am now


38: I wish I was a professional: something in music


[ My Favorites ]

37: Candy: Sour gummy worms or cinnamon bears


36: Vehicle: Jeep
 or Range Rover

35: President: OBAMA


34: State visited: Illinois or Florida


33: Cell Phone provider: Sprint


32: Athlete: Jose Bautista 


31: Actor: Rupert Grint


30: Actress: Zendaya, Lucy Hale, or Emma Watson

29: Singer: Shawn Mendes or Selena Gomez


28: Band: R5 or 5SOS


27: Clothing store: Ross or American Eagle 


26: Grocery store: Walmart


25: TV show: Shadowhunters 


24: Movie: HARRY POTTER SERIES


23: Website: Again, tumblr or twitter


22: Animal: doggies or dolphins


21: Theme park: no clue


20: Holiday: christmas


19: Sport to watch: Baseball


18: Sport to play: Baseball or volleyball 


17: Magazine: Vogue


16: Book: The Mortal Instruments Series


15: Day of the week: Friday


14: Beach: Clear water in FL


13: Concert attended: Illuminate tour (on Aug 6th, 2017)


12: Thing to cook: Pasta anything


11: Food: chicken alfredo or pasta anything or anything really I’m not picky
 

10: Restaurant: Chinese restaurants 
 

9: Radio station: idk
 

8: Yankee candle scent: idk lol that pumpkin one??
 

7: Perfume: Signature by Shawn Mendes or Bombshell by VS
 

6: Flower: Pink hibiscus 
 

5: Color: aqua
 

4: Talk show host: Ellen Degeneres
 

3: Comedian: Jo Koy, Kevin Hart, or Gabriel Iglesias
 

2: Dog breed: honestly any breed
 

1: Did you answer all these truthfully?: of course 💕