#I'm just an addict that didn't have drugs

[theweirdwideweb]

Frank discussion of suicidal thoughts below the break.

This time was really scary for me. For the first three days I laid in bed for hours thinking about killing myself. I had a plan and all the supplies. As a severely mentally ill person suicidal thoughts are not new or scary to me, but at a certain point I have to hit the panic button. This time I didn't. I didn't call a friend, go to the hospital, or call 911 on myself. I've done all those things before, but this time I was so depressed I didn't even try. There's impulsive suicidal thoughts and then there's the scarier kind: cold, sustained, logical. I was thinking, "I'm mentally ill. I'm an addict. I have ADHD. These things keep me in misery for half my life as it is and I'm 37, unlikely to grow hardier as I age. I've been in weekly if not frequenter therapy for 6 years straight with lots of therapy before that too. I'm fully medicated and take 19 pills a day and this is still how I suffer." In my mind I've always believed that my death was nobody's business. Mine and mine alone, not subject to input from others. Regardless, the love of my family and friends is a reason to live, but I wasn't moved. I even thought of my 7 year old niece as a reason to live and felt nothing. This has been one of the scariest, most desolate weeks of my life. Now I've talked to my therapist and two of my friends about all of this (hi guys) and am sincerely out of the weeds. I'm just a little irritable now. Anyway, this society views marijuana addiction as a joke. "Did you ever suck dick for weed?" etc. It's a reaction to the ridiculous lies told by the right to justify it's prohibition, but don't kid yourself. It's a drug. Some people I guess just have no problem with it but DRUG ADDICTS shouldn't do DRUGS. It's no joke. I wish I could be more open about it without fearing mockery. And for anyone who thinks I'm overreacting please know that I used to smoke crack, tried every drug including bath salts & heroin, and was a death spiral alcoholic for 15 years. I know what I'm talking about.

Well I'm six days into sobriety and I feel well again. So stupid. Here I go again learning for the 1000th time that I can't use drugs because I'm a drug addict.

[yardsards]

also. amber gris as a character is really important to me as an appalachian.

not just her accent or the specific type of person justin based her off of but like

the feeling of losing someone to addiction/overdose while the government does nothing to help, just criminalizes and stigmatizes and makes things worse. which obviously happens in more places than just around here, but we have one of the highest rates of overdose death in the whole country and that whole set of scenes felt like they were really informed by growing up around that

[hungerpunch]

i see even comedy that doesn't typically "punch down" has circled back around to using crackhead/crackwhore as a joke. i'm so exhausted by you all. you are so cruel, so casually callous, it's worrisome. you don't realize how easily that could be you. you think you're so superior, so pure, so intelligent as if addiction cares about how smart you are or what you do in life. as if this entire country (usamerica) is not machinated in a way to get people hooked on painkillers. as if the docuseries industry isn't busting with expositions that reveal the wide-ranging sprawl of addiction here and exactly how manipulated we have been. as if loads of people in "white collar" jobs aren't addicts. as if loads of stay at home parents aren't addicts. as if addicts can't have pearly smiles and collect a paycheck. as if there's any real merit between the person who got into a party drug as an impressionable kid then couldn't stop and the lawyer who started doing coke to stay awake for 80-hour workweeks then couldn't stop and the unsuspecting patient who was prescribed opioids by a doctor then couldn't stop. there's not. no one is better than anyone else. addiction is leveling. equalizing.

and the worst part is you are one, too, you up there on your high horse. you're addicted to something. something in this world has its claws in you, its grip on you, that you want to stop but can't, that you could not stop without support. so shut up. shut the fuck up. the people you call crackwhores, meth heads, junkies, etc. they are real fucking people. we are real fucking people just like you. we are real people who deserve your fucking respect and compassion. we are just people who are trying to exist within a system that is trying to eat us alive, just like the rest of you. it's not cute. it's not fucking cute. it's not cool. stop fucking laughing.

[navy-heart]

God why is my mother such a terrible human being

[halogalopaghost]

I can really judge how bad of a day I'm having based on how hard it is to get tucked in bed. Sometimes just lifting my weighted blanket to get under it is a HERCULEAN effort. Im working on coming to terms with the fact that this is not my fault.

[literally-12-people]

If you can not forgive you are destined to never heal.

Like, sorry, you can not be mad at someone for making a mistake and then be angry about it for 3 years and be like "why am i not over this".

[thethingything]

okay so everything that talks about withdrawal symptoms from opioids is like "you'll get cravings for the drug" and I've been sat here like "okay well I haven't had that" (as far as I can tell? I don't know what cravings are meant to feel like in this instance? I might be misunderstanding what that means) but what has been happening is that every time I take way less pain medication for a day or two, I get symptoms that feel like food poisoning and it ends up being an overall bad time.

for the last few days we've been on a way lower dosage because we haven't needed as much pain relief, and I've spent the whole time being like "oh my god why am I getting so many hot flashes and waking up in a cold sweat and not being able to sleep more than a few hours at a time? ugh my eyes are stinging so much and my vision keeps going all blurry and weird. why do I keep feeling like the world's ending over tiny things? holy shit my digestive system is not doing well. why do I have all these weird muscle cramps and aches? god my head hurts so fucking much and nothing's helping" and I've been blaming this stuff on the fact that we overexerted so much on Monday but like... yeah there are some dots I probably should have connected sooner here

[crimeronan]

there's this girl on tiktok/youtube shorts who talks about being a 'diagnosed sociopath' (which afaik isn't a thing anymore and she's too young to have been alive when it was a diagnostic thing -- i assume she just means ASPD and is using buzzword language, but it doesn't really matter either way because...... psychiatric classifications are a farce) & she'll discuss what makes her angry, how she gets revenge and/or protects people, how she forms attachments, n how she prioritizes different aspects of her life, and i keep watching some of these shorts like "this.... isn't sociopathy??? everyone with sense does this???" and then i look in the comments and everyone's going "GOD this is such good advice i wish i could do this so easily but i feel sooo bad about it 🥺🥺🥺🥺" and i'm like. huh. girl you either gotta stop being so relatable or i'll have to acknowledge a very obvious thing that i've known about myself for ages,

[cuntwrap--supreme]

The fucking audacity of this man to tell me he's never cared about me, then ignore me when I say that it was unfair to lie to me when I've clearly been in love with him for years, only to come back almost 2 months later asking me how work is. I can't do this shit. I'm too stressed as is. Too few spoons for my own day to day.

[mariocki]

Infinite list of favourite lyrics: 222/?

John Cale - Dying on the Vine (1985)

"Who could sleep through all that noisy chatter?

The troops, the celebrations in the sun.

The authorities say my papers are all in order

And if I wasn't such a coward

I would run.

I'll see you when all the shooting's over;

Meet me on the other side of town.

Yes, you can bring all your friends along for protection,

It's always nice to have them hanging around.

I was thinking about my mother,

I was thinking about what's mine.

I was living my life like a Hollywood,

But I was dying, dying on the vine."

[horrorsequel]

psychology is such a crazy field just because of how often psychologists have been wrong just with regards to me + ppl i know directly and it had catastrophic results. like medical doctors have also been wrong sometimes and messed up and bad things happened but i can also at least point out times when they were correct/helped. psychologists/tangential psychological professionals r like 1 for 999 in my personal experience

[cyberstabbing]

i hate bad and abusive parents so much. they're the reason my best friend has so much trauma and so many mental health issues. and then to kick her out? and then to somewhat reconcile like nothing happened? it's just so awful to see my best friend struggle mentally and barely (and not even tbh) make rent and Knowing that her parents won't be any help at all. like if she has to move back with her mom it's going to be okay for a while and then her mom will start drinking again and all hell with break loose. and her dad is either incredibly oblivious or just chooses to pretend like nothing is wrong while he plays house with his new family. when my best friend lived with me for 9 months after she got kicked out, even my stepdad daydreamed about going to meet her dad so he could yell at him for not taking care of his daughter. anyways now she's trying drugs with her equally unwell partner and they're not being safe and her eating disorder is getting worse. so her other best friend and i are meeting up to figure out what to do.

[burningcomputerpersona]

how the fuck are ppl having actual social lives with this amount of courseload. i lose all my hobbies during the semester bc i don't have time for anything besides schoolwork but there are ppl out there hanging out with friends every day and having parties on the weekend. how.

[hesitantvampirealien]

a bit important (seriously, just be careful with the shit you read online)

I know it's long, but please read it whole if you're gonna start reading it and if you're willing to interact with the post, it's not just me ranting, it's actually important because it's actually dangerous shit that I'm talking about

i honestly like tumblr a lot, which is not common for me. I've always been a social media extreme hater, but "migrating" to tumblr has been a lot better for me, as I don't have nearly as many anxiety attacks for having an account here than i used to have when i had other social media accounts (I didn't have the choice to leave social media because it was all work related)

but i genuinely feel the need to call this out because this is by far the stupidest thing I've EVER seen being said here. So stupid that it's actually dangerous to people, not only one but many people and the people around those people.

Don't encourage people to not seek psychological or psychiatric treatment by saying "it's okay if you DON'T WANT to treat your illness"

IT'S NOT OKAY

don't ever say something like that. Ever. You don't understand how dangerous that is. You can't just say things like that and act like that's completely acceptable because you think you're "promoting autonomy" or some shit like that, what you really are promoting by encouraging sick people to avoid treatment - and therefore making their case significantly worse - is:

people hurting and killing themselves more often

people with violent outbursts being violent towards other people and causing those people to also get sick because of the violence they suffered and then everything goes to fucking shit again and again

predators feeling validated - because predatory behavior is also an abnormal mental health condition that has to be treated with urgency for the sake of the potential victims, in case you forgot, or deliberately ignored so your "it's okay not to seek treatment" bullshit makes more sense, and by saying that, you're making them feel like abusing people is normal behavior and just "part of their nature"

plus, not to mention that you wouldn't fucking say that shit to someone with a deadly physical illness. Seriously, what the fuck? don't say that shit.

and please have in mind that I'm NOT referring to people who do want treatment and actively make effort to at least help themselves be a bit healthier and get better every day as much as their mind and body allow them to and can't have actual treatment. I myself am untreated because I CAN'T find treatment, decent psychiatric treatment is very inaccessible where i live, but I'm trying really hard to make life a bit more tolerable for myself while being sick. But please, never refuse decent treatment if you're offered decent treatment. Never refuse to treat yourself, never refuse to get better, even if you're trying to get better by yourself due to inaccessibility, and for fuck's sake, DON'T ENCOURAGE PEOPLE TO DESTROY THEMSELVES LIKE THIS. If you're struggling to find decent treatment, I understand. I'm not shaming you for not finding the right treatment that you absolutely deserve and should've been given. Hell, I'm not even shaming the people who are unstable and decided not to treat themselves because THEY ARE MENTALLY ILL, of course they're not gonna make good decisions depending on how bad it is, but it doesn't mean that those people hurting themselves like this is acceptable because they're putting themselves (and sometimes other people as well, depending on the case) in danger, this coming from a sick person who has been around other sick people and knows what it's like. Who I REALLY want to shame is those people who ENCOURAGE NOT WANTING TREATMENT AND ENCOURAGE SEEING ABNORMAL AND DANGEROUS CONDITIONS AS NORMAL AND ACCEPTABLE

and i know someone's gonna be bothered that i mentioned people with health conditions with predatory or violent behavior. It doesn't mean I'm comparing cases as if they were the same, but we have to acknowledge that those cases HAVE to be considered too. I've been in a psychiatrist clinic for severe mental illness treatment and I've been taken to a hospital, and the mental health treatment here is very limited in resources. All that to say: i know what mental illness looks like once it reaches a point so severe that it becomes visible, both on others and myself. It's not pretty. Mental illness genuinely changed my life permanently for the worst, and those people's lives too, those people that I used to see all the time in the clinic. Some of those with cases significantly worse than mine.

So don't tell people not to treat themselves. You clearly don't know what mental illness really is like, and saying something like that is just... so cynical - and even cruel - that it's inhumane.

[draconicace]

kim. kim please be cool about the communism. please.

[delcat177]

Mugs of Goodwill

I was getting pajamas at Goodwill and as happens, I ended up wandering down the tat aisles. I don't buy a lot of physical possessions these days, but I love cycling mugs, so let's see what they have! Oh boy!

1) Blue Heron

Honestly, I didn't realize until I got home that this heron mug, despite being marked dishwasher/microwave safe (and vegan??), has an odd...crumple to the design, which is flaking off. They go for a buck, so if it starts going downhill, I'll take it outside and use it as a seed starter. Reduce reuse recycle!

2) Frolicking Reindeer

This is obviously going away for a bit, but I'm looking forward to pulling it out of storage after Thanksgiving. Hot drinks from seasonal mugs is one of my favorite things!

3) Trick Shadow Mug

Do you ever buy something and regret it? More specifically, do you ever buy something, accidentally destroy it, and regret it? This is a copy of a mug I bought on sale and was surprised by--the shadow puppets turn into hands when you add hot water, which absolutely delighted me. Unfortunately, I got pretty lax about putting it in the dishwasher, and the OG is starting to fade out. I regretted that...until today! Into storage for the grandkids with you!

4) Discount Hamilton

Shit dude, it's the man with the singing about the old dudes! I am a Broadway nerd, and I gave a pass on the mug at $20 ($30?) on tour, so 99 cents is quite a bargain! That's ninety-nine Lincolns! Lol! Please lol I counted the pennies out individually and the teller didn't laugh once even though I told the joke 99 times!

5)

This mug. This mug holds the elevator door for senior citizens so it can open it between flights and shove them down the shaft. This mug rolls homeless veterans for bus money and walks home. This mug stands outside of pain clinics putting cigarettes out on dogs. This mug holds no good will. This mug is in Hell's gift shop. This mug told Tiny Tim to git gud. This mug unsaved Christmas.

6) Comic Strip Crush Wig

Comic Strip Crush Wig