#I'm including that tag because it came up when I started typing the first one lmao 😂

[mailrebel]

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Hiii Raccoon! Thanks for stopping by :)

✨ Tell me which of my works (fic or art) is your favorite! 

Oh this is easy! I love your fic "Wolf Pup" because 1.) It's TP Zelink, who doesn't like that? And 2.) I'm a sucker for cute family stories so of course I'm going to love one with silly time travel daughter shenanigans. And 3.) I think I remember Midna being really funny in that fic 😂 Wrap it all up and it just made for one of the cutest, most wholesome reads :)

💞 Guess who my favorite iteration of Zelink is

Okay I really had to think about this one but I feel like you have a lot of affection for Skyward Sword Zelink. Like, I could've sworn you've gushed about them once or twice before. Tell me, is SS Zelink your fave? 👀

⚔️ Guess my favorite Zelda game

Okay this is another hard one because I'm not even sure which Zelda games you've played and which ones you haven't 😂 I think I'm going to stay on the same track as my last answer and guess Skyward Sword again, final answer!

🙂 Just wish me a nice day :D

Raccoon, I hope you have a wonderful day 🙏 Please make sure to take the time to show yourself the same love and appreciation that you always show for others. Thanks for the asks and for always being so awesome! :)

[mazzystar24]

I hope I can ask you this because I don't want to ask in the tags, I'm scared 🥹 but I've seen a lot of discourse about why tommy isn't good for buck, he's cold, the relationship is toxic etc and I was wondering why people think that? Is there anything specific that started it?

I fully believe eddie is buck's true love, endgame, whatever we want to call it and I'm sad we don't have that (yet) but I thought bucktommy was kinda fun in the meantime. I just want to understand 🫶🏻

Oh hey darling! you were so sweet and genuine in your response so please know I’m just answering what I’m asked and if you wanna enjoy and have fun with bt that is completely your prerogative but I’m just offering my perspective on it

And i am warning you this is gonna be long because I feel a constant need to go really in depth in my thoughts

Okay so idk how I’m gonna break this down but maybe I’ll do it in like main points?

Also if you’re new here whenever I use bullet points I’m just doing it cos I find it easier to chunk up my thoughts not cos I’m being curt or anything with you

1. The chimney and hen begins episodes

He wasnt just passive in the episodes and letting Gerard get away with his racist and misogynistic behaviour he ACTIVELY participated in it

This includes:

• Asking if they forgot to tip the delivery guy WHILE THEY WERE EATING CHINESE FOOD when chimney first comes up despite the fact that 1. Chimney had a big ass lafd bag 2. They were probably already told a probie would be coming 3. Probably would’ve seen the actual delivery guy 4. I would bet my absolute life that question would not have been asked if buck or bobby had walked up those stairs this wasn’t an innocent comment it WAS RACIST intentionally like the entire point of the episode was to show how bad they had it

• the New York bitchiness comment

• throwing his tools down along for hen to clean up

• going out of his way to treat them like outcasts and hating chimney before he even knew him despite chimneys efforts

• the way each of them had to “earn his respect” in some way before he acted like a normal coworker to them and this was never in the typical ‘oh it’s a new person’ type of way it always had to do with their race or in hen’s case her gender too

A defence I see a lot for this is “oh he was closeted” and honestly to me that is such bullshit because 1. Eli was perfectly capable of not participating in the racism and taking chimney under his wing without getting any shit for it and chimney is quite literally a Korean man (something he literally can’t hide) and he had just got his head above water with Gerard’s racism when hen came and he STILL was a friend to her 2. Again tommy wasn’t passive in it and just letting Gerrard be racist (which would’ve been one thing) no he actively participated in it to be part of the boys club 3. Let’s say that somehow not being a dick would’ve meant that that was a threat to the closet he was in- that is still in my opinion a fucked up sense of preservation if you spare yourself the possibility of bigotry (despite having inherent social capital by being a white man in that job) by inflicting others to bigotry

Now when Tommy was first reintroduced I was like keeping an open mind and saying okay it’s been a lot of time and maybe he has genuinely made amends because I do believe in redemption but imo they have made no attempt to show us that and had him honestly put more of the blame on Gerrard for his behaviour or the writers flat out avoiding mentioning it to retcon tommy a little and hope we forget

Another defence I see is “oh chimney and hen became friends with him so they must’ve forgave him”, hen went no contact the moment he left (something the writers went out of their way to include that line) and chimney didn’t even invite him to his wedding which was quite big after the Buckley parents got involved so it’s not like it was cos it was such a small and intimate wedding and he only called him as far as we know in those years when he needed a favor, which all means that most likely they had kinda just put it behind them and kept up a coworker relationship with him, but no actual friendship or actual forgiveness or redemption had taken place

Oh wow all that was just point one and I can probably talk more on it but I’ll just leave it with saying that Lou’s comments about it being teasing or how Tommy genuinely didn’t know hen or chimney were capable etc just makes for a worse case than saying it’s cos of being in the closet (and that is genuinely a large part of why idk much abt Lou but those comments are enough to make me hate him) and I’ll also say that poc (myself included in that) have these situations so often- situations even as specific as gay men being racist to them to fit in - and we understand the nuance and shit to it but we also understand on a deep level how it feels to be on the other side of that

And getting toxic bt fans try to come up with ways to downplay or minimise racism honestly pisses me off so much cos believe you me we have heard every excuse and downplay under the sun and I for one am sick and tired of it

2. Why he’s viewed as cold and his jokes

• literally from the small parts we saw of him and Eddie hanging out we have seen the man is in fact capable of joking and being light and having fun but around buck in particular he’s like 🧍‍♂️😐 and the occasional 🙂 like it just feels very stiff and just plain in a way

• his humour consistently falls flat and feels passive aggressive more than anything like blunt or sardonic humour DOES work like I personally love it but it’s not being written OR executed right

A. It’s always in response to genuine moments or questions such as buck talking abt the award or the daddy kink joke or henren questioning him

B. It’s the the majority of what we see from him, there is not enough balance for it

C. Lack of rapport, when friends or couples make jokes that can come off the wrong way if said to anyone else it’s cos of the rapport built already, this rapport is not established with the characters OR with the audience for these jokes to come off right

D. I gotta say this one too but the execution just isn’t right from writing to acting, it’s the same reason sardonic humour lines from Sandra oh as Cristina Yang or hugh Laurie as house still lets you like the characters and find them funny but Tommys lines come off as annoying to a lot of people

3. I think fandom discourse probably has something to do with it but not in the way you think

I’m not saying like oh ppl who ship buddie just hate him cos of the ship no I’m saying that like what takes him from an annoying disliked character to a hated character is most likely the fact that his role stirred so much drama and caused so much damage to how the fandom used to be that its turned the dial up

4. A lot of his development, lore or redeemable factors or cute things are just not canon

This may be blunt and I am sorry for that but I think his character has been blown up to such a degree that it’s genuinely shocking

Like I look at posts or get sent hate and I’m like where did any of this happen this is just not canon this is just not a show like at times I’m genuinely convinced it’s a social experiment where different ppl saw a different show like some spiderman multiverse situation

Listen I’m all for headcanons genuinely like if you wanna take extra number three and make a whole backstory and lore and cute stuff abt her I’m all for it but it’s when it’s said as if it’s fact or canon that I’m like hold up a second rewind

I think this is kinda a result of Lou’s cameos (which honestly deserves its own post but you asked why the tommy hate so imma stay on topic) and also this like need to defend the character but not having much material to work with

Like if we look at canon we can literally break down the entirety of Tommys appearances this far in the show and what we learn about him:

• chimney begins- he makes a racist comment and he tries to suck up to Gerard, there is a little hint abt his gayness with the gf comment, Eli says to chimney that’s just how they are and tries to reason it could be fear of losing friends but we see tommy having friends in the firehouse while eli says this, chimney tries to make friends with him and tommy makes no attempt to get to know him and says he’d hate him anyways, chimney saves Tommys life thus earning his respect

• hen begins- she’s met with the same racism chimney is but also met with misogyny (and homophobia but that’s not relevant to the tommy of it all), we find out chimney is still isolated from the rest despite having earnt that respect, chimney befriends hen and again tommy still doesn’t try anything like that until hen proves herself and earns his respect, ppl reported Gerard but it’s never actually stated tommy was one of those ppl so again that’s not canon that’s speculated

• bobby begins- chimney and hen both seem to be like coworker friends with tommy and Sal, Sal throws hissy fit bobby “fires” him tommy says it’s an overreaction bobby reveals it was a transfer, they all seem to make nice, tommy leaves to 217

• chimney calls tommy for help and tommy helps

• we see nothing from tommy,then cruise ship he helps the team but also in this we find out hen cut off all contact since he left

• buck takes tour of harbour, Eddie and tommy have a friendship and we find out some of Tommys interests and that he was in the army, basketball scene and the subsequent apology and kiss

• dinner date, Tommy explains how he was in the closet, Buck has his little awkward moment (which will be elaborated on in my next point) , Tommy says nothing abt it till the Uber arrives and he leaves buck

• buck reaches out and apologises and asks for a second chance inviting tommy to the madney wedding

• bachelor party and the issue of the lack of costume and not just taking the day off for neither wedding nor bachelor party (which you can reason is reasonable but also I feel like this deserves its point for the narrative choices)

• tommy shows up straight outta work they kiss buck has the soot coming out award ceremony - buck being happy abt the reward to which tommy sardonically says enjoy it while it lasts enter bigoted cunt gerard then chimney comes and insults gerard and they walk away

• we don’t see tommy again till the dinner date after Bobby nearly died and when buck tries to explain Bobbys significance to his life tommy throws the your dad is still alive which is just honestly one of his worst moments imo and I made a whole post abt it but can’t find it and then we all know the rest of that convo and I could make a bullet point for it but actually I made a whole post before so I’ll link it: here

AND THATS IT

Like all this comes down to what maybe like 30 mins screentime? If that?

5. The leaving buck on their first date

The defences people use for this are:

• buck was trying to shove him back in the closet

• buck was obviously not ready

• people angry abt this are just babying buck like he can find his own way home it’s not that big of a deal

• buck was at fault there and tommy would’ve been justified in being angry and not giving him a second chance

And honestly every last one of these are bullshit imo and lemme go point by point

• buck panicked, I don’t think that what buck was feeling in that moment can be properly described because unless you’re a queer person and you’ve experienced that like bone deep panic that like brain overload then you won’t get it

Like one it’s his first queer date

Two he doesn’t even understand his own sexuality atp

Three his closest friend just walked in in a situation that’s already putting him on edge

So he’s not only panicking he’s not understanding why he’s panicking he’s trying to make excuses eventhough part of him knows he doesn’t need one but also he doesn’t even understand this side of himself yet so he doesn’t want to have to potentially explain it

Like it’s a million things and a million emotions and no one can claim they would behave rationally or appropriately in that situation and if you say that you would you’re lying simple as that

Also then we find out that Eddie thought tommy was straight anyways

• the reason I love the buddie coming out scene is because of Eddie’s “and what do you think” line because it’s not up to tommy or anyone else whether a person is “ready” enough in their queerness to date. Full stop.

Also tommy knew it was Buck’s first date with a man and was still down so why is he using that as some sort of out

•it’s not about babying buck and it’s not about him finding his own way home it’s the fact that Tommy could’ve done it with much more grace and he could’ve been a lot nicer with it but he wasn’t, and this is again bucks first date with a man even if it doesn’t end with a second date it should at the very least not end up with him feeling like a screw up on the side of the road

• to the ppl who say that- kindly shut up cos again see the first point but also I wanna point out that somehow the ppl saying this are also the same ones saying that Tommy was justified to be RACIST for a prolonged period of time due to being in the closet yet Buck what? Panicking for a few seconds and being a little awkward? is somehow this giant inexcusable thing

5. The narrative choices with him have been reasonably clear and tbh if they had been made with a woman it would not be up for debate:

• tommy leaves buck on their first date then he comes back and gives buck a chance- we as a fandom have been unanimous in saying for years that Buck’s endgame would be the one that doesn’t leave him cos this pattern has been something we saw over and over with him

• tommy not dressing up- again you can rationalise it but it’s a narrative choice and it’s glaring when contrasted with Eddie suggesting the duo costume

And if we had this scene with Taylor so many ppl would be saying that it’s once again showing that her and Buck’s personalities don’t align

• him being on standby for the wedding and bachelor party- again you can say oh buck invited him last minute or oh he couldn’t taken the day off (which lbr he could’ve he’s not the only firefighter pilot in la) - but again narrative choice

If it was Taylor everyone would’ve been like SEE? Again they’re showing the audience that her work is this looming presence in their relationship

Anyway I’m gonna shut up now cos this is A LOT

I’m so sorry it took me so long to respond tho and sending flowers in apology💐💐💐💐💐💐

Love ya for being so genuine when asking and hope all this didn’t come off too strong and that it was idk helpful?🫶🫶

I realise my response is abt to have toxic bt fans scurry to my inbox like rats to send hate and to that I say go fuck yourselves I’m responding to a question here

[rfswitchart]

Hunter's Comfort Food

I think, at this point, you all know my personal favorite Owl House headcanon. I shouldn't have to say what it is, you already know what I'm about to discuss. However, I am going to describe why Hunter loves what he does and maybe you'll adopt it as your headcanon too...

It all started when Hunter ran away from the Emperor's Coven Post-Hollow Mind. He'd been living in the paranormatorim in Hexside since, building a nest and living on snacks. Gus, having seen the former Golden Guard living so dreadfully, offers him his lunch, which, among other things, included a sandwich.

Hunter then helps Gus escape Adrian and the scouts, citing his reason for doing so being because Gus offered him food. When the illusionist questions him on it, Hunter says "It was a really good sandwich." As many have pointed out, Hunter's diet in the castle was probably miserable. On top of it, he was clearly malnourished, as several characters (Luz, Eda, Amity, Edric, Emira, Matt) have said. So it is assumed he didn't have a great time food wise, which is why he looked so happy eating that loaf of bread in King's Tide...

Yeah, look at him go. Happily chewing on some bread and being pleased as punch over it. And this is where my HC came to be, Hunter and Gus bonding over a simple offering of food. A kindness Hunter had probably never known until then, combined with something that probably saved his life or at the very least made him feel much better. I feel like that sole interaction weighed on Hunter's heart, and it made him fall in love with sandwiches. After all, without Gus' sandwich, he would have never been able to sit down and actually talk about how he was feeling about Belos. He wouldn't have bonded with Gus and helped the younger witch when he needed it most. Hunter developed an intensely strong bond with Gus, a friendship and brotherhood forged in love, trust, and sandwiches.

That said, I assume when they were trapped in the human realm, Hunter started looking into various types of sandwiches (with the help of Camila and Luz, of course.) Figuring out what the best meats and cheeses were. What kinds of vegetables go well with them (information he totally shared with Willow, obviously.) The best kinds of bread and condiments to compliment the other ingredients. I assume he learned about what foods he liked and disliked (boy loves himself some olives, btw.) Of course, this eventually lead to the ultimate creation. His pride and joy: The True Hero Sub. The culmination of his knowledge and understanding of foods that allowed him to create divinity between two slices of bread (well, shoved into a loaf of french bread, but hey, who's counting?)

Of course, this is a BIG sandwich. I know, that's the one I made myself. It is about 2' long (60.69cm for you non-Americans.) It is not something you can eat by yourself, and Hunter would never want to eat it alone. Because of this sandwich, Hunter came up with his philosophy on food; "Food tastes best when shared with others." So I assume the first time he made one, he shared it with the others. Definitely Gus, his sandwich brethren, and possibly Willow, someone Hunter would be thrilled to share his accomplishments with.

And this probably continued as he became an adult. I bet anything that Hunter has a series of sandwiches he brings with him to work. He maybe even wrote down his own cookbook of sorts for them. You KNOW anytime he had a new idea, Gus was the first person he told about it. He probably even made a book to make sandwiches to represent Cosmic Frontier characters (you know Gus AND Camila happily assisted him.) And that's my headcanon. A boy, his best friend, and a type of food that brought them closer and possibly even saved a life in more than one sense. In this house, we respect the Sandwich Bros. (Tagging @childlikegoblinqueen, @unniebeans, and @probablyhuntersmom, who I assume have also had this headcanon infect their brain for some time. *evil laugh*)

[mirai-e-jump]

Hirakawa Yuzuki Photobook: Yuzuki (select pages and translation below)

Publication: May 10, 2024

Hirakawa Yuzuki Interview

-Playing along with my older brother as the youngest child-

I'm originally from Kumamoto. When I was little, I was an active kid who played outside all the time. I'd play baseball, tag, takaoni (another form of tag)…I often followed my older brother and played with him and his friends. Since I was the youngest child, I was allowed to do whatever I wanted (laughs). Speaking of, I asked my mother about the origin of my name "Yuzuki," but apparently, she said there was really no particular reason. She said she chose it because it had a good stroke count. Since a bunch of people tell me it's a good name, I really like it alot.

When I was in elementary and middle school, in addition to playing basketball as part of club activities, I also did various sports related activities, such as beach volleyball, baseball and swimming. My older brother would be doing it, so I'd follow him…or my friends would be doing it, and I admired them…it often started out in a similar way. I didn't do things like abacus when it came to studying activities. One time, I enrolled in cram school during the Summer of my third year of middle school, but I wasn't suited for it, and quit about two months in (laughs). My best grades in school were in gym, Japanese, and social studies. I had been playing the electone for about 10 years since kindergarten, so I had good grades in music. Things like math and science I wasn't good at, if I had to say, I was better at liberal arts. As for what kind of student I was, I was the type of student who didn't go to school much back then (laughs). Those who know me now probably have the impression that I'm "cheerful, innocent, and full of energy," but I wasn't very good at fitting in with others back then. I'd feel hurt by a casual comment, but I couldn't say it clearly to the other person, and so it'd build up more and more…and when someone was angry with me, I sometimes felt as if I was angry with them too. Growing up, I was the type of person who wasn't suited for group living. My mother didn't force me to go to school, but told me, "If you don't want to go, make sure to properly study at home," and so I took occasional breaks. Of course, there were my club friends and close friends, but I was more likely to hang out with people like my older brother's friends, who were older than my classmates.

When I became a high school student, me and those around me became more mature, so I didn't have to be intimidated about fitting in. Furthermore, at the time, I was thinking of finding a job right after graduating high school, so I was conscious that school was more of a place to go to study than a place to have fun. I went to an information related high school, where I was exposed to bookkeeping and became really hooked, so I joined the bookkeeping club in my first year of high school. We couldn't get enough people together, so we couldn't form a club, but a "similar hobby group" (laughs). While I'm not good at math, for some reason, I'm good at calculating money (laughs), so I thought I'd like to become something like a tax accountant or a certified public accountant in the future.

-An audition applied for out of curiosity to go to EXPG, a place I had always dreamed of going to, changed my life forever-

I've always liked LDH's artists, and I used to drag my mother along with me to various live shows. During this, when I was in high school, I learned from a program I was watching at the time called "Weekly EXILE" that they'd be holding auditions for girls for the first time in about seven years. I thought it'd be just singing and dancing anyway, and that I wouldn't have a chance, but they were looking for girls with various dreams, including becoming actresses and models, so I thought, "If that's the case, I probably wouldn't be out of place." It was really more out of curiosity than wanting to be accepted. The venue for the first round was at EXPG STUDIO (dance and vocal school handled by LDH) in Fukuoka, which I had wanted to attend for a long time. Ever since I fell in love with LDH, I was drawn in by their singing and dancing and wanted to attend, but the time and money it would take to commute to Fukuoka made it impossible….So, I was tempted by the idea that if I auditioned, I'd be able to "go to that place that I had always dreamed of." However, with my mother saying she'd buy me clothes for my audition, being able to enter EXPG, which I adored, and being able to go shopping in Fukuoka, I had ulterior motives…I sent in my application just before the deadline since I wasn't sure if I should really apply. I remember taking the photo that seals the application document by propping my phone up against a CD player in my house (*picture on the left side on page 128). I also needed a full body photo, but I didn't have any clean white walls at home, so I used one at a friend's house and had it taken in a hurry…I rushed to prepare the necessary documents and applied. Since it was right in the middle of Summer break, I applied secretly without telling anyone in my class, only my parents knew about it.

After passing the written exam, the practical exam began, but I was surrounded by other girls who had been singing and dancing since they were young. I felt that these girls must've devoted all the time I spent enjoying my hobbies to their dreams, and their enthusiasm was so intense that I sometimes wondered if I was out of place after all. But, it was a miracle that I was even able to be there, so I decided to just enjoy myself. Everything I did was new, and since I had never sung or danced before, it was fun to learn how to do it, and I never forgot that feeling of "having fun" during the audition. In the final round, we were divided into groups and had to perform one song while singing and dancing, which was very difficult. When the screening was over, rather than a desire to pass, I felt a stronger sense of accomplishment, like "you've done well," and when my name was called as a successful applicant, I didn't really understand what was happening. I finally realized for the first time that I had been accepted when I went to the agency with my mother to sign the contract. For the first time, I felt a sense of excitement that I was stepping into the entertainment world, which I always thought was far away.

When I joined the agency, I left my parents home and moved to the capital, and was overwhelmed by the city of Tokyo. I walked from Nakameguro (where the agency is located) to Shibuya through Dogenzaka, and at first I thought the intersection in front of 109 was the scramble intersection that I often see on TV. And then, I went alittle bit further and there were many times more people there, and I was like, "Uwah, it's this way!" (laughs). In the beginning, everything I saw was new to me, and I was always pleased and said "uwah."

Immediately after moving to Tokyo, I took singing, dancing and acting lessons at the agency. In the acting lessons, I had a strong Kumamoto accent, so the first thing I did was fix that. I was also taught other various basics to acting. I started out taking one on one lessons at the agency, but eventually I began attending outside lessons for acting. There, I was with other kids of the same age, and I discovered new things like, "Even with the same script, this kid expresses themself in this way," and my passion for acting grew more and more. I had so much to think about during my life in Tokyo, that I didn't have time to say I was lonely, but the reason I didn't feel lonely was probably because I video called my mother every day. Still, I didn't want my parents to worry, so I didn't complain. I think my mother was probably worried about sending her teenage daughter off to Tokyo by herself. Kumamoto and Tokyo aren't close enough for me to rush over there right away, and I didn't want to cause any unnecessary worrying. That's why I barely talked about work, and just talked about casual things like, "What did you do today?"

My first job was on stage for "Moryo no Hako" with Tachibana Kenchi-san. I had never seen a stage before, so I really couldn't tell right from left in this situation. I started from the very beginning and thought, "What is the stage?" My seniors taught me everything from the basics, such as "this is good and this is bad." In any case, I was desperately trying to hang in there every day. After a month and a half of rehearsals, I took the stage for the first time, and I'll never forget how the audience looked at me and how enthusiastic they were. When I received applause at the curtain call, I was very happy to know that what I was expressing and what we had created together had become one piece of work, and I really felt that "this is how we reached the audience," which made me very happy. From there, I was motivated to work even harder on my acting. I was so frustrated by the anger I felt during rehearsals, that I became fired up and thought, "I never want to lose"…yeah, I think I'm very competitive (laughs).

-This is my last chance, I'll bet it all on a "cool" type of Sentai heroine!-

I played the role of Rita Kaniska, the king and chief judge of Gokkan, the country of ice and snow, in "Ohsama Sentai King-Ohger." I've been doing tokusatsu auditions ever since I joined the agency. I think I've auditioned for both "Kamen Rider" and Sentai about four times. Having auditioned multiple times, the image I had of the female cast was that of "the heroine," with their charming smiles and angelic appearance. But the heroines of King-Ohger were different from the previous ones, and when I received the script on the day of the audition, I thought, "A cool one is here." I thought I was more suited for "cool" than "cute," so I decided, "I'm definitely going to get this!" Rita's gender hasn't been disclosed, but they're like a medieval character. I thought that maybe there wouldn't be another role like this in Sentai for a few more years, so if I missed this chance, I probably wouldn't be able to appear in Sentai.

That's why I locked onto the role of Rita from the beginning. When presenting yourself at an audition, I thought it was normal to mention a special skills, so I announced my morning routine (laughs). I thought that I'd definitely make a better impression on the judges if they remembered me as "the XX kid" rather than my name. That's why I thought it'd be nice to be called "the morning routine kid" and when I said something like, "Every morning, my morning routine is to pick out coffee beans and drip them while having a conversation with the beans," I got them to bite, with them responding, "What, talking to beans?!" (laughs). The conversation expanded from there, and I was told, "Please be yourself, there's no need to pretend," so I approached the role with my "natural character."

When I received the news that I had been chosen, I was truly relieved. There were about five rounds of auditions, so I thought, "If I fail after making it this far, I'll never recover," and I was in a situation where I couldn't even get food down my throat. There was a time before I auditioned for King-Ohger where I thought, "I'm not suited for this kind of job after all." My work was decreasing due to the covid pandemic, and when I was alone, I often thought deeply, wondering if I should go back to my hometown and get a job.

I was thinking of quitting if I didn't get the chance in 2023, but King-Ohger was scheduled for the end of 2022, so I thought, "I can continue this job." I was very happy because I felt that I finally had a grasp of the situation, and I also had a positive feeling that I could work hard again from here. I'm glad that my mother also told me, "Good for you, keep doing your best," which I think reassured me alittle. My mother watched King-Ohger every week and became a regular fan of the show (laughs). She was quicker than I was to get information on merch, and she came to events like G-Rosso. I'll send Rita merch to my parents house, and they'll say, "It'd be cute if they were all lined up together," so they're collecting all the characters themselves (laughs).

-Approaching the character by writing my "heart's voice" in the script.-

The story of King-Ohger is more interesting than anything else. The cast loves King-Ohger so much, that I think the actors themselves are the biggest fans of the show. Everyone looked forward to the next development and eagerly waited for the new script every week, saying, "I can't wait to read the next one!" (laughs). I also really enjoyed playing the character of Rita.

I was careful about many things in my performance, such as my voice and the way I stood. Since only my left eye is the only part of my body that shows facial expressions, some parts are difficult to convey, while other parts can be conveyed too much, so I was especially very concerned about how to handle my gaze. Also, the word "Immovable" was used, so I had to give meaning to "not moving." I thought it wasn't enough to just stand there, so I had to think in detail about it, such as "why not move here?" and "why move here after not moving for so long?" I'm the type of person who writes alot in the scripts, but I wrote what was going on in my mind rather than "I'll do this here." For each line, I imagined things like, "Rita is probably thinking this here, and so they're probably saying this," and then I'd write it down. Rita particularly has alot of emotions packed into short words, so I think that if I don't properly interpret the words in my mind before speaking, my words won't hold any weight. I also made sure that I had a clear understanding of the meaning of words that I normally wouldn't use, such as "perjury," and if it was difficult, I'd replace it with a different word and interpret it in a way that made sure I understood it clearly. Since they're also a presiding judge, I tried to take a variety of approaches in order to accurately convey a sense of dignity and persuasiveness.

The final battle from episodes 48 to 50 hit me all at once. I felt the weight of a year's worth of work, and I was in pain while performing, but I also felt the bond and connection between everyone, and even though there wasn't a part where I would cry, I still cried. In terms of Rita's individual scenes, episode 30, in which the secret of their right eye that they had been hiding for a long time was revealed, left a strong impression on me. I really felt that what Rita had been carrying and what they wanted to protect became clear, and that they became stronger.

It was also a challenge to film, but even after 30 episodes, I was able to discover new things like, "Rita can be this emotional!" This was the starting point to further expand on the character of Rita again in the last 20 episodes. Also, speaking of Rita, they have a habit of yelling when they're annoyed, but in the script it's written as "Ah!" I take care about the number of "A" and "!". Each time, the number written was different. So, when I told the Screenwriter something like, "Since there are so many ! here, I should shout like this?," he was overjoyed and said "You noticed?!" (laughs).

Apparently, he also writes the lines while shouting them, and depending on the tension, he writes it differently, like "Aaahhh!!!!" or "Ah!" (laughs). Such subtle differences were interesting, and I also enjoyed acting out the screaming parts. Another memorable episode was episode 38's audition episode. I saw an unexpected side of Rita, who said, "I'll go to such lengths for this job," and I felt that they had opened a new door. As for myself, when I was first told, "Next time, Rita will become an idol," I thought, "Hmm? How did they become an idol?," but then I was given a video of the dance and was told that I'd also sing. Well, it was like I was just taking on what was handed to me. (laughs). I only had about a year's worth of experience in dance lessons from my agency, but I didn't want to do it half heartedly. I think the image my agency has is that they take pride in dancing, so I did my best not to disgrace LDH's name (laughs). The singing and dancing was challenging, but it had been so long since I performed with my face showing, that I was alittle embarrassed at first. It had probably been about nine months since I performed with my whole face.

That's why it felt abit strange to see my whole face on screen, and I was like "whoa" at first (laughs), but in the end, it was alot of fun. Twin tails and a frilly costume…it's not often in life that you get to dress that cute. More than 100 TTFC members came as extras to play audience members, waving penlights and calling out to me. The special effects were amazing and so authentic that it made me think that I had become an artist.

On the day when we filmed the dance performance, the Director told me to "dance three times," but I was so excited that I got better every time I danced, and I ended up dancing eight times. The Director said, "There's been alittle bit of an increase," but it wasn't just alittle, it was more than twice as much as we had planned! (laughs). But, thanks to that, I think we were able to get some good shots, and I also felt a great sense of accomplishment.

Everyone in the King-Ohger cast got along really well. I'm currently regaining the youth I didn't get to enjoy in my teens (laughs). At the beginning of filming, I was worried about whether I'd get along with everyone, but everyone was so warm and welcoming that I didn't need to worry about it, and it felt like we were family. Everyone was so considerate and kind, and I was truly blessed to be a member of this group. We often went out to dinner after filming, and they were very reliable seniors, so we developed a relationship where we could easily discuss both our private and work related issues. Despite all that, we usually had alot of fun talking about things that we really couldn't do anything about (laughs). On set, when someone would make a joke, someone else would respond to the joke, and there was always alot of noise, but when it came time to perform, it felt like we made a quick switch. I think we were a really good team, and I'll do my best so I can work together with them in other productions in the future.

At the wrap up, everyone was crying quite abit, but I didn't cry. If I cried, it would start a chain reaction and everyone would start crying, so I just kept smiling. For awhile, the Director said to me, "You're not going to cry?" I said, "No, I'll probably cry," but…as I thought, the Director saw right through me. I don't really know why, but…but, when the Director cried while saying that, I was touched and was like, "Director~!" He even joked around saying, "You won't even cry at my tears?" (laughs), but I was actually pretty teary eyed.

I've learned alot over the past year. In the beginning, I was really nervous, to the point where I thought my hands would start shaking when I stood in front of the cameras. But after being in front of the cameras for a year, I feel that I've become less intimidated and have been able to focus 100% on the performance. This was my first time focusing on a single role for such a long period of time, so I learned how to expand on my character, come up with ideas for acting, and gained alot more skills. I was taught from the very beginning how to act, which I had been interested in for a long time, and also how to do the dub recording…I really learned alot of things, and I'm sure that what I've gained here will definitely come in handy in the future.

-My first impressions of the snowy landscape was quite literally, "It's dazzling!"-

The idea of publishing a photo book was mentioned to me casually by my manager during a completely different meeting. They said, "This is totally off topic, but do you want to publish a photo book or calendar?" When I heard that they were interested in a project, I asked for it with, "Definitely!" In our meeting to discuss the concept, I expressed "my wish to see snow," since I myself am from Kyushu and had never seen a snow covered landscape. Since Rita, the character I was playing at the time, was king of the country of ice and snow, I thought it'd be a good idea to use "snow" as a theme, and the location for the shoot turned out to be Akita.

When I actually saw the snowy landscape in Akita, I thought the snow was dazzling. I had never been exposed to light reflecting off snow, so at first my eyes weren't completely annoyed by that pure whiteness. But thanks to that, I think my skin looked nice and beautiful (laughs). Some of the snow had piled up quite abit, so I enjoyed flopping and rolling around in the snow, something I'd never have been able to normally do. There are some shots of me just having fun, so be sure to check them out (laughs). The sight of snow on the mountains was also something you don't see in Kyushu. It was so beautiful, that it cleansed my soul. I also made and ate kiritanpo by myself. I love rice and hot pots, so I enjoyed it tremendously. I never had a chance to visit the north before, but when I went to Tohoku for the first time, with delicious food and beautiful scenery, I thought it was the best. Lake Tazawa was so spectacular that it was like being overseas (laughs). It made me realize that there are also alot of beautiful places in Japan, and it made me want to travel around the country.

In addition to Akita, we also had the opportunity to shoot at "AMAZING COFFEE" (coffee shop produced by EXILE TETSUYA, also known as AMECO) in Tokyo. Previously, there was a period of time where I did a societal study at AMECO, where I learned alot about coffee there. Personally, I've always been a coffee lover, but there are many staff members at AMECO who know coffee inside and out, and many customers come to AMECO for that quality. So, I learned more about coffee than ever before. Now, I have fans who say things like, "When you think of Yuzuki-chan, you think of coffee," and people I meet say, "You love coffee, right?" I feel that it's become recognized that coffee is my hobby.

The photos here are the ones of me seriously facing the coffee and just enjoying latte art (laughs).

This time, the makeup artist did alot of creative styling with my short hair, and the style without bangs was very fresh. The costumes all had things I liked, so it was hard to choose. Also, the photographer, Mae Kosuke-san, was a very nice person who really helped me out. Even though I'm used to being in front of cameras, I still get nervous when taking still photos (laughs). Mae-san relieved me of that problem in a good way, so I was able to relax and feel at ease. The photographer, stylist, makeup artist…everyone created a great atmosphere that helped me relax during the shoot, so I'm very grateful.

-The "it's okay to express yourself more" that my friends in King-Ohger told me-

Acting allows me to experience many things that I could never experience in my own life, and above all else, I love the time I spend facing my roles. I've enjoyed the past year very much, so I'd like to continue to face different roles, absorb various things, and discover my potential and new sides of myself. I'd like to try anything, regardless of genre, whether it be film, stage plays, or voice work. In terms of expression, I've been doing some occasional modeling work, so I hope to expand that as well.

The roles I'd like to play in the future are ones of working women, such as a police officer or firefighter. I'd like to continue to do action, so I'd like to play cool roles that make use of those skills. I also really want to wear a uniform. I'm embarrassed to imagine a romantic role, but I'd like to play the role of a best friend position, someone who assists the main character in their love. Something like…"Actually, I'm in love with the same person the heroine is in love with, but my friend talked to her about it, so I can't confess anymore." I'd like to play a role in such a sad position like that. There are things like "getting together someday" right? (laughs). I'd like to play a role that makes people think, "I wish that girl had gotten what she deserved."

Now that King-Ohger is over, I'm currently in a period of taking occasional breaks.

When I'm at home, what do I do…as expected, I often immerse myself in making coffee at home. I'm not good at switching between emotions, so in a positive sense, I use coffee like a switch. I often brew it when I'm motivated for things like, "Let's do the laundry now," or when I need to take a breather and immerse myself with, "Now it's time to relax." And then there are times when I just feel relieved (laughs). There are times when I just sit on the sofa for two hours without watching TV, listening to music, or looking at my phone, and just stare at a single spot (laughs). Hearing this might make you worried, but since I talk alot outside of home, I'm very quiet at home. On days off, I don't say a single word, and I seem to unconsciously create time to be relieved and think about nothing. Something I consciously do as a mood changer is to go for a walk. When I set out, I can leave all kinds of things behind. If I'm thinking about something at home or on my way home, I end up remembering it when I arrive at the same spot. For example, if I sit on the sofa and reflect on something that went wrong, the next day when I sit on the same sofa again, it's like the bad thoughts I had yesterday come back to haunt me. That's why I'll do something like stretch my legs and get out of my comfort zone, throw away my frustrations, and go home. I'm like, "Don't come here anymore!" (laughs).

I guess what I value in life is thinking about the feelings of others. I'll think about what the other person would think if I said "this"…I place great importance on understanding and trying to pick up on the feelings of others. I'm mindful of being considerate to those around me as to not be selfish. In the past, I used to take it too far and become overly concerned about what others thought, but the members of King-Ohger told me, "We think it's okay to express yourself more." That's why I thought I'd try my best to be myself in a way that wouldn't make the other person feel uncomfortable. Right now, I'm in the process of growing up and trying to find the right adjustments (laughs).

Finally, I'd like to thank all of my fans for their support.

Thank you for picking up this photo book. I always receive alot of love from you all through SNS and fan letters, and this is the driving force behind my activities. I've only ever been given energy, smiles, and courage from everyone, so I'd like to give alot back in return. I'd be happy if you'll continue to support me going forward. I'm also looking forward to seeing tons of feedback on the photo book!

[harlstiel]

Ships with Stiles that I enjoy | RANKED

1 : Stisaac

Stiles/Isaac

My favorite. 10/10. The DRAMA, but also the shared trauma, they're perfect. Sure it's a BIT toxic but it's a guilty pleasure, what can I say.

2 : Stalia

Stiles/Malia

Only lower on the list BECAUSE Malia should've had SO much more mental development before going into a relationship. But they were cute, 10/10

3 : Stydia

Stiles/Lydia

Only third because of how FUCKING LONG IT TOOK. AND HOW LITTLE WE ENDED UP GETTING. Jeff Davis can go suck a wrinkly dry hairy testicle. Still 10/10

4 : Stira

Stiles/Kira

HEAR ME OUT. They would geek out so much together its NOT even fucking funny. They're both socially awkward nerds that ramble and I live for it. 10 out of fucking 10. Prefer Malira tho...

5 : Sterica

Stiles/Erica

Low-key wanted this to happen for a bit. Maybe not permanently because I always saw the both of them to be more bisexual types but they would've been cute. Also I can't remember where the whole "Batman" "Catwoman" nicknames came from but it is my only life support rn. 9.5/10

6 : Sterek

Stiles/Derek

My favorite blorbo Derek Hale. I didn't get the hype with this ship when I first started watching, but then I kept seeing things in this show that made me wonder, "Jeff, was this intentional?" Bc they're so very gay with each other. Alas, age gaps are an iffy thing for me personally due to my own personal traumas, but I still love them. 9.5/10

7 : Stora

Stiles/Cora

Cute, could've happened, not mad that it didn't, but def a wasted opportunity on Jeff Davis' part. Solid 8/10.

8 : Stanny

Stiles/Danny

This was definitely more of a humor thing but I liked the idea of these two together from the get-go. In my opinion, there was definitely a little crush on Stiles' part and I love that. 8/10

9 : Sciles

Scott/Stiles

I changed my mind about this one because I went down a rabbit hole of Sciles and Allisciles stuff and I just. You read a fic so well written and see the most beautiful piece of art and all of a sudden you're binge reading every. Last. Fic in the tag, yk? SOLID 8/10

(Their parents are also an otp of mine. Noah and Melissa are perfect together and the best thing I've ever experienced)

Reasons

For not including other ships.

Steo : I am a Thiam shipper through and through. And Theo did things to Stiles that doesn't even make enemies to lovers valid in my opinion. IK he got a redemption arc and he was being manipulated since he was a child but STILL. I love Theo but he's not the one (for Stiles, anyway🤭).

Any ship with him and an adult ; ie, Peter, Chris, Parrish etc. : Do I even have to explain this one? I mean REALLY?

Stiam : They are like Mother and Child to me and I will take that to my GRAVE.

Stackson : Last season-T.W. Movie Jackson MAYBE but early seasons Jackson was a toxic mf who loved NOBODY but himself based on how he treated Lydia.

(Pointed out by a commenter) Stallison : I actually never knew people shipped this and didn't know it was a thing until now. After this was pointed out, I began to see the appeal and I read some Allison/Scott/Stiles fics and now I'm hooked. (Wish I knew about it beforehand tbh 😅)

Pretty sure I covered evertyhing, but if I missed someone, let me know!

[butchdarling]

Hi, thanks for all your IDs! I'm new to Tumblr and want to write IDs. Are there etiquettes that I should take note of, like which posts to write IDs for and which not to? Any tags I should look out for? I came from Reddit and I'm aware that not all users want to have IDs on their posts, there's probably something similar here.

Hi, first of all you're very welcome for the descriptions! It's always nice to hear that my efforts are appreciated :)

Ideally, any post with images should also have a description for those images. Any post that doesn't already have an ID in the original post is one that's appropriate to add a description to. Even if someone else already wrote a description in a reblog, you're allowed to write your own if you want to. I personally haven't encountered anyone who has been upset when I've written a description? I think that's more an individual thing than something specific to a certain type of post.

There's not a consensus on what format works best for image descriptions, but alt text or plain text (not colored and normal size) directly below the image in the body of the post are generally considered the most accessible. Alt text tends to work better for screen readers, and plain text works better for some people who need descriptions but don't use screen readers. I personally use alt text for posts with a lot of images and plain text for posts with only a few. I've also seen people put a short description in alt text and a more detailed one in body text.

Other etiquette includes indicating when a description starts and ends. I use brackets and start and end with [ID / End ID] but some other formats I’ve seen include “Start ID / End ID” of “Image description / End image description” and being objective in your descriptions. If you're describing a picture of a dog as a "cute puppy," you're telling the reader what to think instead of letting them come to their own conclusion.

As for tags I know some people like to sort their posts as “described” for posts with IDs and “undescribed” or “no ID” for posts without. I find most of my descriptions either from people I follow or from looking in the notes of specific posts as opposed to searching tags so I'm not much help there, but here is a link to a post listing a whole bunch of accounts that make image descriptions.

There isn't really one way to write image descriptions because people have different accessibility needs, but even a simple description is better than no description. The basic format I usually go with is this:

[ID: A (type of image, painting, photo, etc) of (subject; if it's fan art I like to include the source) doing (action, this can really be as detailed or as simple as you want.) End ID]

In general, I go with more simple descriptions for comedic posts and more detailed ones for art. My number one tip is to follow people who write and reblog descriptions and to read them! I've picked up a lot of formats and phrases I use a lot in descriptions from people I follow.

If you're looking for more resources, I’m going to point you towards my mutual Kay @pathos-logical ‘s accessibility tag that has a bunch of good posts on how to write descriptions. You're also welcome to send me another ask or DM me if you'd like ^^

[taiturner]

NEW YEARS CLEAN-UP 🎊

rules: unburden yourself from the abandoned WIPS collecting dust in your folder and share 5 gifs, then tag five people. (tagged by @yenvengerberg, thank you i feel like i can do something useful with these things now 💖)

tagging with no pressure of course: @wyllhalsin, @capinejghafa, @cardvngreenbriar, @seance, @ayoedebiris, @ughmerlin, @craintheodora, @lottiemilfews, @natscatorrcio (yeah miles i'm tagging you to be funny i know what you did with those psds)

these are all from projects that i have in a folder titled "on the bench" that i want to pretend i'll come back to, but.... some of these have been benched for so long and they're no longer fresh in my head so i fear they'll be abandoned forever. should also be mentioned that a lot of projects on the bench are literally just me making all the typography first and then losing inspo when i actually wanted to gif things.... usually by the time i do start, i change my mind about the type anyway. i also have so many abandoned gifs from other gifsets i've already posted but i'm not even sure where to begin searching so... here are some things!

one of the many gifs i already created for a prompt from @yellowjacketsoctober to put the show in a different genre. ironically, a prompt that i came up with for the event specifically to make this gifset but didn't even complete. i spent so many hours and so many days trying to gif this entire arc for these three with the intent to make it a heist drama set but after so long i realized i was just giffing exactly what happened in the show and it started to feel pointless. but at least here's a preview of something that i'll never finish. my trio of all time, can they commit more crimes together please! (should also be said that this folder is 44gb because i already saved all the caps + because these psds are so heavy... new years clean up for real)

i don't know what it is about lydia that makes it so hard for me to finish any set for her, but every time i try i seem to always lose the drive eventually (probably because twd in general just feels really uninteresting for me to blend, for some reason). from a 2022 spotify wrapped meme, i'm pretty sure i restarted this specific gifset so many different times, unhappy with the colors and the blends and the text and everything -- which is why there are two very different examples here. my girl of all time though i will finish something for her eventually (and maybe even this one, because this song is still so good for her).

one of the many gifs that were abandoned by my scream vi set for favorite slasher in october. when tumblr first changed the image upload limit to 30, i promised myself to never take advantage of that too much, but i severely underestimated how many moments i would want to include for this movie and i made so many other gifs for this set but ultimately cut them so i could try to tone it down - 18 gifs in this set still feels like a lot but i spent so much time on this set that it was hard to part with many more. anyway here's sam being the hottest final girl in the world and correct about everything.

i don't know how long this has been on the bench but it was definitely a project i started way before season 2 even aired. i think i just got stuck and wasn't sure where to go with it, but anyway her!

extra spoiler for @wyllhalsin but this was supposed to be a pride edit in june for one of my favorite lgbt characters of all time. this show's camera movements nearly makes it impossible to blend anything so i lost the drive, but i will come back for felix someday (and for coty, obviously this set was for him).

[heybaetae]

gifmaker / cc wrapped 2023!

thanks for tagging me my angel @jkvjimin 💜

i tried really hard not to choose all comp sets, but those take the most effort and therefore are what i'm prouder of than a standard set, but regardless...

here are my top 10 fave creations of the year:

bts chapter 1 insta feed // this was an insanely taxing project and is probably the most work i've ever put into anything, but i was really inspired to do it. it took about a week (one day for each panel) and was repetitive, i literally threw out my back by day 3 from sitting working on it that my body was in SO MUCH PAIN, but i wanted to get everything right and make it make sense which is why i wrote up a detail post breaking it down and explaining every decision that went into this. i still intend to make this a series and do one dedicated to their japanese discography (i actually started on one before i published this but didn't like the concept) and for their solo work, but it doesn't feel like the right time yet as things continue to release. but i look forward to it!

cheesy bts valentine cards // this was purposely corny, but the response was unbelievable! i had fun working on it and was so happy it made people laugh and smile. the tags were a joy to read on this post and it's my fourth most popular gifset ever. thank you!

bts guide to troubled birds // yet another corny idea, but i get a kick out of making silly comps and was inspired to make this. i started with jimin's as an experiment because his poem was the easiest to choose and built the rest of it from there, carefully deciding which poem to apply to each member and recreating them from scratch. i love celebrating their chaos in fun ways, so this was nice!

jungkook's sensitive tear ducts // sometimes i get really random comp ideas and spontaneously start making something with no plan. this was one of those times and it is now my third most popular gifset since making this blog in 2020 lol. ofc i'd never gif him upset about anything serious, so i only chose moments that didn't feel inappropriate to include to keep this set lighthearted and humorous.

long live bts (10th anniversary set) // i always knew i wanted to make something with the lyrics of that song because every word of it reminds me of their story. the 10th anniversary was perfect since it literally says "it was the end of a decade". i wanted the set to just be really simple so i went with a more desaturated look and focused more on choosing a scene from each year that fit the lyric per that gif.

love me again mv // this was my first time bothering to gif a music video in 4k. i usually avoid it bc it slows my computer down and takes a lot longer (i also have to reconvert the youtube download to a different file type to get it to play in my kmplayer, it's a whole process) but i waited a few days after it came out because i originially didn't think i could color it when it premiered so i just didn't gif it. but i gave it a try anyway when i didn't feel so pressured and i really like how crisp they came out.

jungkook's bday set // i didn't have a plan for this when i started, but i searched a lot for inspo and finally found something i felt like i could make something with so i came up with this very barbie-esque rendition for jungkook that i'm still very fond of. i purposely didn't write happy birthday on it anywhere so it could be shared year-round. it's probably my fave set i made all year and everyone seemed to like it too!

jimin's bday set // this was originally just going to include songs from FACE, but i decided it didn't celebrate jimin's work as a whole if i didn't include all his solo songs/endeavors so it turned into a big monster. i like how it came out though!

standing next to you mv // this year i was introduced to HD master files, so instead of rushing to download a new mv from youtube and giffing it fast, i'd wait for a higher quality rip from apple music to show up online. the difference is quite astounding. i made gifs with master files for all three of jk's music videos this year (seven, 3D), but i like how this one turned out the best.

vmin comp // just felt like giffing my two favorite people before they left and needed to channel my sad emotions into something before seeing them seperate for so long. i included moments i've giffed before and ones i've never had the chance to gif. i could have made this post so much longer but forced myself to stop lol. i like the pink and blue colors in it a lot <3 i miss them so much

thank for all your support on my work this year! i have lots of (old) new stuff in my drafts to share in the new year so please keep your love coming x

i'm going to tag @userjiminie @userjungkook97 @btsiu and @cordiallyfuturedwight to do this if they'd like to!

[snek-panini]

It's been a few weeks since I had new books to share, but I finally got photos taken of the newest ones so today's the day. Here, have a book:

This is Across Tides and Currents, a Good Omens siren AU by Sodium_Azide and @doorwaytoparadise (hi. I hope I tagged you right). My favorite thing about this AU is that, at its heart, it's about learning to communicate with someone who is so different from you that you can't even physically speak each other's language, and yet you've still got so much common ground that you find a way. It's way lighter and more fun than that description makes it sound, though, so go read it if that's your thing.

The cover on this is Lineco book cloth, scrapbook paper printed to look like leather, and blue foil htv. The foil was actually a nightmare to do. The first time I applied it, it wouldn't stick no matter what I did, and the bits that did stick peeled off as soon as I touched them. I had to peel them up very carefully, cut a new image, and try again. Thankfully it worked the second time but I don't know that I'll be using the foil type again unless there's no other way to get the color I want. The non-foil metallic was so much easier to work with.

More book photos under the cut!

I went with a coptic bind for this one for a few reasons. The first was that I wanted to try one on a quarto-size book to see if I could. I also wanted to try the mitered corners thing I did when I bound Strange Moons, and see if I could have the same effect on the interior. (That bit didn't work out so well; the front is fine but I mismeasured the inside and the lines didn't match up, so I trimmed some pieces of cardstock to cover that up. I really like the layered look though, so that's fine. It's quirky.) The third reason is that not long before I decided to bind this one, the authors published a new chapter after two years of no updates. That's the best possible reason to have to change plans, and the glueless bind means that if they ever do that again I can just redo the stitching to add more pages. Win-win.

Getting whimsical with title pages here. This took way longer than I thought it would, probably because I don't like graphic design and I did it in Word where I do the rest of my typesetting. Usually what I do is grab an image and put text around it or on top of it and then just play with fonts and sizes, but this time I drew the lines and then made the text follow them. This is the first time I've used the word art feature since...probably 2009? I'd forgotten how. I have no doubt there are better ways to do this but if I'd had to learn a new program at that point I'd have quit. And I do think it was worth it--it's cute and fun and looks about how I imagined it.

Couple of photos of the inside. Sorry the first one's blurry, I had someone trying to get my attention when I took these. The section break image came from rawpixel, I just made it gray instead of black so it's more subtle. The fic has very nice illustrations that I specifically got the artist's permission to print and then I failed to get any photos of them when I did my little photo shoot. They look very nice, though. I swear.

The last image is something I've started including in my latest books. I'm calling them "A Note from the Bookbinder" and it's basically just me talking about why I chose that story, the experience of reading it for the first time, stuff that's going on in the fandom, stuff about the process like the new chapter coming out as I was preparing to print. It's kind of...like marginalia? Part of fanbinding is preservation and that's linked to archival work, and something I know archivists love is marginalia and diaries. I don't like writing in my books and I've never found any fun in journaling, but sometimes that kind of context is important so I'm trying to add it. Someday, decades from now, I may not remember all the details, so I'm trying to preserve them. IDK, this got philosophical on me. Go read about mermaids now. Promise it's a good time.

[incognitajones]

Answer the Questions and Tag 5 Fanfic Authors

@mosylufanfic tagged me!

1. How did you get into writing fanfiction?

When we were teens, my two best friends and I co-wrote a self-insert epic based on a terrible 80s fantasy series. Much later, being a part of online fan communities (first for Buffy and then for the LOTR movies) gave me the confidence boost to start writing again.

2. How many fandoms have you written in?

This is tough to answer because (like @mosylufanfic) I've posted on many, many defunct archives & blogging sites and have lost track of a lot of fic over the years. On AO3 alone, if you include my other pseud which mainly writes tiny, obscure and/or old fandoms for Yuletide, it's over 40.

3. How many years have you been writing fanfiction?

I started posting it online in 2000, so 24 years.

4. Do you read or write more fanfiction?

I'm a fast reader and a slow writer, so I definitely read more.

5. What is one way you’ve improved as a writer?

My plotting has improved, in the sense that now my stories sometimes have an actual (if very basic) plot.

6. What’s the weirdest topic you researched for a writing project?

Not that weird, but I did a lot of fascinating research for Tolkien fic, from pre-industrial weaving to Anglo-Saxon riddles and wedding rites.

7. What’s your favourite type of comment to receive on your work?

Other than "absolutely any"? I love it when people comment that they're re-reading! A lot of fic is pretty ephemeral (not a diss, it's just the nature of the genre), so it's really thrilling to hear a story stuck with someone enough that they came back.

8. What’s the most fringe trope/topic you write about?

It's anonymous for a reason 😉

9. What is the hardest type of story for you to write?

Long stories. As in "I have yet to write anything longer than 30k, so I honestly don't even know if I can."

10. What is the easiest type?

Character studies via smut, aka PWP. I enjoy writing them and they don't require a lot of research (just endless editing to make sure I haven't given anyone three hands).

11. Where do you do your writing? What platform? When?

At the moment, my writing practice consists of 20-minute bursts during my morning bus ride to work or on the weekend in between chores. I feel inadequate because I can't sit down and write for a solid hour but I'm trying to convince myself that it's okay - even short spells of time add up to a decent amount of work as long as they're consistent.

Google is evil, but I still use Gdocs because I need to write online & offline on multiple devices including my phone and not worry about manually saving/collating drafts. When I'm brainstorming or writing a first draft, though, I often write by hand in a notebook.

12. What is something you’ve been too nervous/intimidated to write, but would love to write one day?

An AU mystery that would require not only complicated plotting but historical research, and the drawerfic sequel to a BNF's story.

13. What made you choose your username?

It was a brand new pseud for a fandom I'd never written in before, so I was literally a "no name fan."

I tag: @glorious-spoon @unstable-reality @mnemehoshiko @luciechat and @englishable!

[girls-are-weird]

MASTER LIST: One Fic for Each Fandom [A-I]

i've been working on this for months now, y'all, i'm so tired. Dx

many, soooo many years ago, i came up with the idea of recommending one fic, not necessarily the best or biggest or most popular fic, but definitely my ultimate favorite fic for every fandom i was in at the time or had been in at some point up to then. there are some fics i love so much that i go back to them periodically, maybe every couple of years, even if i'm not active in that fandom anymore. so i thought having a list of them somewhere i could easily find them was a pretty good idea.

narrator: she forgot where to "easily" find the list.

but i still liked the idea a lot, and i told myself when i found the list again, i would update it with fics for all the fandoms i've joined/read for since then. well, a couple of days as of the first drafting of this post, i finally found my original list on my old livejournal (christ, i'm old) and decided i would start on that update, but to post on my tumblr blog instead.

so here it is. they're not all romance, though most of these will include one or more of my favorite ships for their respective fandom (which you can find at my ships archive), even if it's just in the background. some of the fics are the same as i had in my original list, but some of them are not, simply because i've found fics i love even more since then. needless to say, most of those that were 'ported from my original list are quite old or written before canon was finished (the list is from 2006… please refrain from commenting if you weren't born back then, lol. i'm acutely aware that my early fandom life is basically ancient history to most of you). even some from more recent fandoms might be pretty old or non-canon-compliant, simply because i've been collecting fandoms since time immemorial. some might contain elements that would be considered problematic in this day and age. some might be unfinished. they're all special to me in some way.

some fandoms seem to have slipped through the cracks in the transition between FFN (where favorites and alerts are very organized but i always forgot to use them, and there's no read history) and AO3 (where subscriptions and history are unreliable and impossible to search through, and there's no way to see which fics you've left kudos on)-- srsly, how hard is it to just save everything in this age of big data? smdh. some of the links might not work, as you might imagine-- it'll take me some time to find new links, or to figure out if the fic is still even on the internet. if you've heard of these fics and know where they can be currently found, please let me know! because of that reason, i haven't listed ratings for every single one, though i've tried to add that in where i can find it. still, i hope this is helpful for someone, and i'm going to keep it pinned on my blog so i NEVER, EVER forget where it is again (and can regularly update it as i am sucked into more fandoms).

back in the day, i had hoped this format could catch on as a meme type of thing, so that other people could take it as a template and make their own fandom recs lists. so i'd love to see yours! be sure to tag me if you decide to do this. :)

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[ FANDOMS A-I BELOW, J-Z HERE ]

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THE ADVENTURES OF SHIRLEY HOLMES

the case of the mysterious man (and sequels!) by HA senidal / @ha-senidal (PG/T).

with newcomer blake hewitt joining her and bo, shirley investigates a stranger who might know something about the recently stolen mona lisa.

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AA! MEGAMI-SAMA / OH! MY GODDESS

no mere mortal (and sequels!), by ed sharpe.

keiichi's cousin kenji comes to visit the temple for a week. what mischief will he get in with the three goddesses?

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AGENT CARTER

renegades by inkdust / @ink-dust (M).

or, peggy & daniel against the world

the real world doesn't have a hollywood ending. in fact it doesn't even pause. but they're a team. a wonderful team.

post-finale.

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ANNE WITH AN E

the secret of distance by lil_redhead / @royalcordelia (T).

anne and gilbert embark on their journeys, but stay close to each other at heart. courting across 1000 miles isn't easy, but they're more than willing to step up to the task. (a post s3 story).

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ARTEMIS FOWL

endings and beginnings by novawastaken / @nova-fanart-dump (T).

begins right after the second to last chapter of the last guardian and continues on to the final chapter and beyond. spoilers for the last guardian! SPOILERS! no romance in here, but artemis/holly romance in the epilogue.

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ATTACK ON TITAN

stress relief by pepin-bones (M).

soldiers lead stressful lives, which means they need ways to unwind and cope with the stress of what they see and what they do - sometimes in unconventional ways. but eren thinks it's ridiculous, or at least he did…

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AVATAR: THE LAST AIRBENDER

annakpok by dariussobreitus (E).

a "stolen" wife amdist a world rebuilding after a century of war, a repentant fire nation trying to redeem its wrongs and earn good deeds. excuse for invasion or not, the wife who left the northern tribe chief will be reclaimed, even if the poles of the south, and the capital city of the southern tribe, annakpok, must melt.

an AU of the avatar series with events inspired by the movie troy and their versions of the illiad. there will be differences, in both characters and events, with emphasis on key characters, battles, war, strategy and hopefully some the nuance within.

while serving in similar roles to the illiad/troy counterparts, the avatar characters are very much themselves and not heavily influenced by the illiad characterizations.

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BACCANO!

the successful wooing of chane laforet by splashfree (T).

“i’m in love with you, chane laforet,” he says. “and at the end of the day, that’s all there is to it.”

claire and chane go on a date. wackiness ensues.

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BANANA FISH

fool for lesser things by snow_falls / @nightofviolet (E).

"he knew irrefutably that if eiji left he would take something fundamental to ash with him, and without that, what would be the point in living? he might as well have let Foxx finish him, if he was going to cop out now. no, sing was right, the little brat, what the fuck would be the point if he didn’t go with eiji? god, he was an idiot."

or the fix it fic we all need. the alternate ending i cherish in my heart of hearts.

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BLEACH

next, home by inlay (T).

rukia was sitting in his room the first time he opened his eyes after. he does not know if this was a dream, or reality—remembers only that she looked very pale, and that there was a small, black hell butterfly perched on her finger. in this vision, she looked startlingly similar to the girl who used to crouch on his windowsill before school, shiny black shoes and black hair. he watched her for as long as his eyes could stay open, waiting for her to notice him and tell him what was happening. the battle hadn't felt like the deciding, dramatic finale he'd been subconsciously expecting, and he keeps waiting for the other shoe to drop.

what next?

(or, sometimes it takes a couple lifetimes to learn the difference between a love and a soulmate)

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THE BOOK THIEF

a changing of hands by antistar_e (kaikamahine) / @kaikamahine (T).

it happens like this, in a single fateful moment. a pilot sneezes, and the bombs, when they fall, are off-target. [AU].

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CAPTAIN PLANET

heroes for earth (and sequels!) by stephensmat (T).

our world is in peril. the conscious soul of the earth is aware that since the error is ours, the power to stop the chaos must be ours as well. an updated retelling of the series pilot. an origin story based on the premise of the show.

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CARD CAPTOR SAKURA

haikei (and its sequel, kitaku), by ciircee (PG/M).

when eriol left japan tomoyo promised to write. a history of time, in letters. ExT. part of third arc universe.

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COWBOY BEBOP

tuesday's gone by neviana (M).

she always had a way of surprising him. everything from emptying her glock into the ceiling of the bebop when he left to the icy glare she gave him upon his return. though somehow, this stunt seemed to top them all … spikeXfaye.

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DANCING WITH THE LION SERIES / ALEXANDER TRILOGY / ALEXANDER THE GREAT RPF

non frustra vixis by aramley, meretricula / @meretricula (NR).

in 2008, the previously all-women st. hilda's college at oxford began admitting men. in 2009, classics afficionado, rowing prodigy, and all-around posh bastard alexander macedon decided his new ambition was to join his best friend at hilda's and start a men's rowing dynasty.

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DARK

face your fears by narrative_bear (T).

the inevitability of an event doesn’t necessarily make it any easier to experience. the recent birth of mikkel nielsen weighs heavily on michael kahnwald, who begins to withdraw from his family. in an effort to reconnect with his wife and son, michael decides to accompanies them to the nielsens’ where he is forced to confront his past.

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DERRY GIRLS

maybe someday series by areseebee / @areseebee (T).

capturing moments when james and erin are growing up and growing together at 17, 19, and 27.

these fics all take place in the same timeline and build on the overall story in each part. while personal space can stand on its own, smoke break and someday are best enjoyed as companion pieces.

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DIGIMON ADVENTURE

if you by chichamunkyhead.

sora poses as yama's girlfriend… sorato, takari, jyoumi, hint of kenyako. that's all of a summary you're getting!

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DRAGON BALL/Z/GT

automatic flowers (and sequels!) by rayne.

running away was never the way of the son family and pan son learns this lesson the hard way as she returns home to face a problem she never could quite solve.

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THE DRAGON PRINCE

a delicate arrangement by jelly / @jelzorz (M).

it’s not that it’s a bad idea. in all honesty, ezran thinks it’s a well thought-out, completely reasonable, perfectly sound idea that could solve a lot of his own problems, callum’s problems, and katolis’ problems, in one fell swoop - if it works, that is. it’s a little risky, he’ll admit, but it’s not the same as, say, running away from home at ten years old with his brother and a moonshadow elf assassin (whose mission was to kill him, mind) to return a dragon egg in the midst of a centuries-long war, and hey, they’d managed that all right. compared to that mess, politics should be easy, right?

right?

[or, the arranged marriage rayllum romantic drama no one asked for]

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FINAL FANTASY VIII

new seed (and sequels!) by klepto_maniac0 / @klepto-maniac0 (E).

an accidental start to something not so innocent. how far can a relationship run on pure lust before it turns into something else? set in a time when things haven't gone downhill yet.

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FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST (2003 ANIME)

he who searches for himself, by yuuki hikari / weatheringtea / @weatheringtea (M).

this story continues on fullmetal alchemist where episode 51 finished off. alternate ending to the series, not based on the movie. FMA gen!fic. characters and events up to 51 are included. the rating is for language and later violence.

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GUNDAM WING

a toast to the bride and groom, by orla.

in this fic by orla, duo made the mistake of opening the floor for speeches at his wedding. see what everyone has to say.

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HARRY POTTER

paradigm of uncertainty (and sequels!), by lori summers.

carla says: this fanfic series is the bible for any self-respected H/Hr shipper. lori's a wonderful storyteller. it is SO well-constructed.

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HAVEN

aether or by callmehux (T).

paige came to haven for a new life. she didn't realize she was coming to find some old ones.

this takes place after the series finale and probably won't make sense unless you've seen the whole run of the TV show.

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HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON

persephone by sunflowerb (M).

she was meant to be the price for peace; her life in exchange for the dragon master's mercy. her captor wasn't supposed to be a ghost from her past, and she wasn't supposed to become his ally…or his lover. and when news spreads of a blonde-haired girl at the dragon master's side, there will be repercussions for dragons and vikings alike.

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THE HUNGER GAMES

lone star state of mine by jenye (M).

modern AU. there are three types of people in dawson, texas: those who are trying to flee, those who embrace their small town fate, and the mellarks. mellark ranch; largest cattle ranch south of dallas, employer of ranch hand, katniss everdeen, and home of the ohio state buckeyes' running back, peeta mellark. and peeta mellark is coming back home today.

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INUYASHA

dressing wounds (and sequels!), by personification of fluff.

SM [completed] rated R for citrusy situations. when sango finds out how much miroku cares for her, it's the battle of the sexes! the prize? sango's heart, of course. fluff-filled chapters, and an attempt to break every cliche and fill each plothole!

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[ FANDOMS J-Z HERE ]

[petrichoraline]

We Are Ep.2 thoughts in chronological order

what peem did in the car trying to convince phum to part their ways is what the youth calls ✨a yap sesh✨ (he tried ig) (this is what this post is as well)

we're probably never seeing phum use those things he bought ever, he'll just keep hanging around in his engineer shirt

peem has so many ppl ready to square up for him including his auntie and he is recognised by tan as someone who loves his friends very much (which makes the fact tan has sold him away for time with his crush TWICE even worse lmao)

i don't really get phum's insistence on not telling anyone about being phum's "slave", not even tan who got him into the mess or his best friend but it's just his ego ig (aside from plot reasons)

i find pun more relatable now - tags along for the funsies and gets happy around fire

not convinced the beans and pork scene wasn't an ad but im not sure how cause i didn't clock any labels

the scene where peem brings in food and laughs with q feels like improv or breaking left in lol

fai missing cause of upset stomach might be some sort of foreshadowing and i'm a bit worried bout her

the professor is handsome <3 and could pas off as chimon's sibling in a show

q absorbing those noodles was very satisfying idek why lol

peem and q's friendship is in the background but the show still constantly makes it a point that they are really good and loyal best friends

i thought "oh theyre gonna make the sharing food a thing in the future" so when boys showed up i was like "ah, we're doing it immediately? bit boring" but then he didn't share!! joey never shares food!! i think he will in the future though, him being a foodie is a constant thing so i'm guessing we're using it as a sign of compromise in the name of love or smth

satang playing this type of character felt a bit much in the first episode but i think he's getting more comfortable with the role as the show progresses and it look more natural; i'm glad his character isn't the googly eyed mentee and he actually teases a lot and snaps back but knows when to stop playing because q isn't the most patient person. (matt having to jump in like "bro he's serious" was so funny cause i hadn't clocked that either hahah)

the way we can see q flustered at certain points but seemingly unbothered at others is fun because his reactions aren't entirely predictable at this stage as we're still getting to know him. also it's mad cute when he clearly doesn't know what to do with himself

idk how he hasn't asked toey bout why he's in art yet, ig they're just now starting to properly get to know each other

toey took one look at q's back and decided "that's a cool ass aura to base my entire future around!" and tbh that's very young adult of him

q regularly asking about peem's work being submitted, he's honestyly worried <3

the way i cheered for peem burping in phum's face and then went "oh he came back :(" bahah

phum is definitely already planning his day and schedule around peem, i don't think he'd ever tell his friends because he wants to actually keep it going so one of the reasons is to not run into his faculty friends including tan and the second is to have lunch with his unconscious crush AND I AM VERY HAPPY WITH THIS STUPIDITY

thought peem could overhear the convo behind the car and realise what he was exchanged for but nope, he just dipped; i think that might be a plot point for later

phum not knowing tan has a crush on fang is so weird cause he genuinely acted like he knew while taunting tan, i don't have an explanation for that

fang is their p'!! i was so conviced he was the little brother, ig because of his big round eyes and the way phum acted all protective (that just makes phum cuter tbh)

what is the age difference between bar owner and prof cause i ship it

it took me a bit to realise the nongs were there instead of the full arts gang and i was glad to see toey and q together (also the green sweater is beautiful on toey, hope it makes a comeback)

i was ready to believe fang had some sort of falling out with tan with the way he treated him but tan beaming and enjoying a dreadful setting (no talking, awkward sitting around in a bar with mid music and alcohol) shows that man is glowing just from being in fang's presence (i hope he reaches ridiculous levels of lame for him)

i was screeching when i realised where things were going with wasted peem and seeing him n the bench outside had me exctaticcc (ofc he didnt book a taxi. and ofc they cant just order one for him noww could they)

phum cockblocks but he kinda has to cause there's no reason for fang to be there otherwise; once the ridiculous proposition of him taking peem home comes up he doesn't really fight it at all - he wants to be with peem, sure, but i think he's also pretty okay with tan and fang being a thing

the way i was screaming "just buy the flowers rich boy!!! he wants to go home" and then the kid went to get more lol

ofc he couldnt just leave the flowers in the backseat, peem just has to have them in his lap.. and the seatbelt scene was so predictable but it's too much of a classic with all "figuring things out" parts of a romance that i can't complain

it makes absolutely zero sense aside from people liking people (cause fang knows what he's doing too) that phum would drive peem to his house - a place where tan has sleepovers at all the time and phum hasn't been to before. fang is his brother and they can sleep at the same place as well even if they don't live together but nope. also THAT CAR HAS EMPTY BACKSEATS, if phum wanted to he would've forced them to ride with him to keep an eye on tan

fang is probably planning to launch a big revenge attack on peem and that'd be so funny, those four can get way too entangled, i could get DRAMA out of their plans and schemes (this show is more hidden agenda than hidden agenda was)

tan's energy with fang reminds me of the duracell bunny lmao it's late at night and they've had a few drinks but his mind and body are all focusedon wooing fang (who is playing nonchalant but has probably had a crush on tan as well)

also no way he was just gonna leave tan on the street lol

toey and q aleady work so well together, toey knows his effect on q more or less and q doesn't shy away from being at least a bit vulnerable as of rn; i think they can be one of the best if not the best couple if they have a proper storyline; im certainly enjoying it the more than i thought i would

the fake blush on both toey and peem is ridiculous esp up close but ig they're cartoonishly drnk anyways

auntie took note and now doesn't do facemasks at night, otherwise it would've been an amazing first meeting

"he likes to whine" and she's the one who can't leave the room from complaining sm lol auntie is so cute

ahh, the mandatory "a look around the room shows me you're truly passionate about what you do and you're deeper than i thought" scene..thankfully he didn't mutter "you like painting this much, huh" to nobody cause i was ready to yell HES AN ARTS MAJOR like he kicked you in the balls for a reason doofus

theyre giving us so many closeups of these two and i keep thinking "this is so drama/y im embarrassed" but i have no shame, if it's fun it's fun (and it's pondphuwin, youre not gonna hear me complain about looking at pond's face for too long or from too close)

reaching out to touch his face was a bold choice thoughh i lost it

man down badd man down baddd he was called an asshole and started gleaming like a light bulb

[chimerafflesia]

Yuri Duel Links 2024

(this is literally just a masterpost of everything that made me insane over the course of the event so I can reflect and laugh/cry/etc)

first of all the sentence "Yuri Duel Links Event 2024" would have put me in a coma if you told me that say like. a month and a half ago. when Lulu and Rin came in September I was SURE it was going to be at least early 2025 before we got him. and Yet,

I was in the middle of getting ready for a concert when I got a notification from the DL subreddit of all things that said "He's Finally In" and I saw a little picture of Yuri and I was like Lol. Yeah Ok. so then I opened duel links and checked and was hit with This:

and I was like Okay. okay. cool cool cool cool. I'm gonna be so normal about this. *narrator voice* "via the tags on this post, you could see they were indeed not normal about it"

and girl sorry I wasn't gonna be normal about it like I've wanted this cunt in duel links since he landed on my radar. I knew from the first episode he appeared in that he was going to be my favorite arc-v character because I tend to have a Type when it comes to characters. it's been the same since I was like 8. sue me.

I even started getting into theory territory I was SERIOUS

(this ended up not being the case but congrats to Dumon for being the July unlock that was a lot of fun)

HOWEVER SPEAKING OF PREDICTING UNLOCKS I DO HAVE TO SAY I made this list back in MAY predicting the rest of the characters for 2024, and while some of these are very out there and Not Happening (sorry Marik and Atticus) I DID ORIGINALLY PREDICT YURI FOR AN OCTOBER UNLOCK. (Dumon for July as well) I AM LITERALLY JOHN KONAMI I GUESS.

so time goes by and I have a month to grind gems for Yuri's box because OBVIOUSLY I need a full character deck for him. would tumblr user chimerafflesia do anything less. I achieved this btw. 9999 gems the day before the event started. I was READY.

October 23rd. I literally wake up at 6am because I was so excited I was like a kid on christmas. I am hit with these screens and actually got kinda misty eyed because it was Happening

I waited 5000 years (about 7 months) to see that "Event Exclusive" in front of him and it was real and happening like CHEERS I'LL DRINK TO THAT!

I recapped a lot of my initial reactions on day one here and here but it just doesn't do it justice like I was just so excited and happy and having the time of my life playing this little freemium mobile game. I've said it like 348735 times now but duel links is genuinely so fucking amazing to me I love this game so so so much.

AND THIS EVENT WAS SO WONDERFUL!!!! THEY DID RIGHT BY HIM I WAS (AND STILL AM) SO HAPPY. HIS CHARACTERIZATION STAYED INTACT. WE GOT SOME NEW LITTLE FLAVOR DETAILS FOR HIM. THAT MAY HAVE TO BE A SEPARATE POST BUT GOD. YURI FANS WE ARE EATING GOOD.

here are some personal favorites. little problem child 🩷💜

and course this instant classic:

but there are so many. I point to this video which has all his dialouge including taunts.

look at these screenshots man like come on. I can't believe these are real. they look like images that would've been posted on reddit like 3 years ago with the caption "This Will Be Duel Links in 2024" EXCEPT IT IS.

I set up this board with all the predap extra deck mons + starving venom and was staring at it like Man We Really Won. this shit's beautiful

Just. man I feel like there's so much more I wanna say but overall it was just a really fun event. this might sound silly to some people but I really do have a special connection to yugioh in general and I do feel like it was fate when it came into my life. I really got into yugioh in April 2021 during a particurally dark time in my life and yugioh became like a lifeline for me. it was an escape. it still is. I'm always going to be grateful for this franchise.

I watched arc-v from March-April of this year (immediately after finishing zexal btw, which is the first time ever I watched two yugioh anime back to back) and to say it fried my brain is kind of an understatement like I still think about this show every day of my life. to quote my own tweet:

like. YEAH.

Yuri in particular is a fusion parasite all on his own he wormed himself into my brain and hasn't let go. I've rewatched his episodes so many times but I think I've seen arc-v episode 135 in particular roughly 124 times. could be more. it will be more.

I can't help but feel like watching arc-v this year was meant to be. (first of all, the same year I watch it FOUR arc-v characters get into duel links? divine timing if I've ever seen it) but in particular the timing of the Yuri event feels very nice. I've been dealing with some personal woes (particulary surrounding employment, amongst other things) and again this event was such an escape for me, even if just for a few hours each day. I can't wait until he's back in a few months. we will be there :)

I'm at the point where I don't really care if it's "cringe" to get this emo about shows/characters/games etc cuz at the end of the day this shit really does mean something to me man. I know what yugioh has done for me and what it'll definitely continue to do for me and I'm grateful for it <3

(PS it is really really fun to wreck people on ranked with super poly) here is a live image of me playing online duel links

[antialiasis]

Groundhog Dave, the 16k-word Morphic time loop extra, is finally up on TCoD. If you've been following this blog for a while, you may have seen me intermittently talk about it. Long story short, Dave is trapped in a time loop on the day of chapter 13, and we explore how he responds and unravels.

Content warnings: This is a whump fic. It features some strong violence including gun violence, suicide and suicidal thoughts, brief vomiting, a deluge of strong and demeaning language, consumption of alcohol, heavy emotional distress, existential horror, and a whole lot of children dying.

Some rambling below the cut about how it came to be and my favorite bits in it.

The first inkling of this story was when I saw someone in the Groundhog Day tag on Tumblr writing a Newsies time loop fanfic titled Groundhog Dave. I have never seen Newsies and have no idea who that Dave is, but I think of Morphic Dave every time I see the name, so instantly I pictured Dave in a time loop on the day of chapter 13, and I could not stop intermittently thinking about it. Eventually, I started writing it.

I don't remember the process of beginning to write it super well, but I remember waiting for a coach at Port Authority with Negrek after seeing the actual Groundhog Day musical and typing up the bit in the third iteration where Dave rages at God on my phone, which was definitely one of the earliest bits I thought of. I know that for a while, what I had written up in the document was the first four iterations and a bit: the original, the one that more or less spawns the Dave and Mia Discuss Family AU, the one where he snaps and gets himself killed, the one where he wakes up after that and decides he can experiment and figure this out, and the summary of his next few goes. I know the document was stuck there for a while, with intermittent tinkering and vague ideas but nothing really in the way of writing progress. On August 12th 2021, I posted in the Thousand Roads Discord about how I'd just written an entire NaNo day's worth of Groundhog Dave, and I'm quite sure there I was referring to the scene where Dave is at the hospital, fails to shoot himself to end the loop, and talks with Cheryl. In 2023, I started doing regular sprints working on it (thanks, Negrek), which was what finally got me past the finish line; before that, the document stood at about 8500 words, while it ended up at about 16500 (though with some bits and notes at the bottom).

The actual ending went through a series of iterations as I was working on it. My first idea for an ending for it was just a cruel, "He does finally fix everything and all the kids live, and then he goes to bed and wakes up in the canon timeline, because he cannot have nice things." This wasn't a super satisfying idea, of course, by itself. I went back and forth through various possibilities from there over the story's development time. At one point or another I considered different variations on whether he does manage to stay in a Better Timeline or whether he ends up back in the canon one at the end, how exactly the loop ends up breaking (initially I was genuinely thinking the loop would break one way or another once nobody dies and the Character Development would have to be leading up towards that, but later I realized it was actually tastier if he does manage it and the loop just keeps going anyway; the precise nature of the Character Development involved was also a bit back and forth), and whether the whole thing would be completely unexplained in the vein of Groundhog Day itself or if I would make more ambiguous use of Lucy's recurring penchant for being involved with bizarre supernatural happenings in non-canon extras.

I'm pretty satisfied with what I did end up with, at any rate. My first inkling of the Lucy thing was just sort of ending with ambiguous Lucy, and I wasn't sure that would really work, but it felt a lot more appropriate to actually do that once Lucy tied more into his overall character development - the couple of early iterations where he takes things out on her specifically as if it's her fault or she should have intervened, his general guilt about actually using her to intervene, the repeated conversations in the car where she manages to confront him at the right moment with why he's so mean, him managing to choose to let go and not be an ass to her in the final scene. I'm also pleased with what I landed on with the several different things happening for the first time in the final iteration: him actually mustering the ability to articulate how much he needs the kids for his life to be worth anything, and affirming that he'll keep doing it even if he'll never get to live in the good timelines, and being forced to confront the ways in which he's been cruel and unpleasant to the kids despite how much they mean to him and choose not to, and finally being able to express an honest vulnerable emotion to Jean, accept her offer for emotional support and ask her to stay up with him because he needs that. Something just feels a lot stronger to me about it with a greater degree of ambiguity about the end of the loop, no one single obvious switch that's the thing like someone was dutifully waiting for him to just say this one magic word. (Similarly, what exactly Lucy did in fact have to do with this, if anything, had to be ambiguous. The loop cannot be a concrete phenomenon with a clear singular cause, or it would have just felt wrong. I have realized I have strong feelings on when fiction should be deliberately ambiguous, not because there is a concrete truth that the author is arbitrarily concealing to force you to guess, but because one way or another establishing any concrete truth would detract or distract from the story being told.)

Some little things I enjoy in this story:

Dave's increasingly frazzled awakenings in the first few loops just really tickle me.

Him knocking on the door, then realizing Cheryl heard his sky-rant and just immediately turning around to go on an ill-advised suicide mission to the church rather than have to try to explain that to her amuses me greatly. What a timeline.

My favorite bit of said suicide mission is actually the bit where he's lying there dying and manages to spend that time being restlessly, angrily impatient about how long it's taking and grasping hard for some sense of satisfaction in having killed this stranger, without ever managing it. The most pathetic possible suicidal rampage of revenge.

The hospital bathroom scene is still my favorite scene in the whole thing. It presses my particular whump buttons extremely hard, and it's just extremely representative of Dave and his problems, him mercilessly bullying himself and Cheryl trying very genuinely to reach out to him and let him know he's not alone while he compulsively rejects it, adamant that he doesn't need anyone or anything even though he's acutely suffering, resenting her for it and shooting back at her efforts with pointless, uncalled-for sarcasm. It also has some of my very favorite lines: "There was a knock on the door and he lowered the gun quickly, like a kid caught playing with something he shouldn't," "What the actual fuck did she think he was doing in here," "Still there?" answered irritably with, "There's only one door. Do the math," when he came so, so close to not in fact still being there. So fond of it.

The offhand unelaborated upon mention that Dave has at one point or another read enough to not bungle a suicide by gunshot is extremely some precise button that I have.

I'm also deeply fond of the iteration where Gabriel dies. Dave tries so hard to force himself to decide he can live with that and just decidedly does not succeed. I enjoy him sitting there irritably thinking maybe they should have just done this in the first place when the others attempt to safely reach the police, silently pretty much convinced that would have been a better idea and thinking all this could have been avoided (but without actually consciously admitting to having been wrong, of course), only to immediately go, "He'd always known this was a bad idea. Why'd he even fucking let them?" when the consequences come knocking. You fucking let them because you thought it was probably a good idea at the time, Dave.

I really enjoy how much Dave cares about the kids, can't not care about the kids, while most of the kids have a hard time grasping how much he cares because he's so persistently Like That. Loved to write the multiple times Jack viciously accuses him of not caring about Gabriel, and the way Dave's idea of disabusing him of the notion is just to be an asshole to him, because he's incapable of expressing sincere emotional sentiment. Lucy, similarly, keeps probing him about what he's going to do if the loop doesn't stop, and he just keeps answering in evasive, defensive irritation as if she's challenging him somehow, until he finally manages to realize that no, she was worried that if his efforts wouldn't end the loop he might just stop bothering. (Only then he's finally been driven far enough to actually manage a smidge of emotional honesty.)

Similar recurring horrible dramatic irony I enjoyed: Dave hates Jean's evolved form so, so horribly much when it's just a hypothetical manifestation of Something Horrible Happening To Her that he's trying to stop and not what his daughter really looks like. One of the things that only quite felt right when I'd finally landed back on him ending up in the canon timeline was that he then actually has to confront the cruelty of that with himself and affirm his unconditional love for her, instead of being 'rewarded' with the cuter, unevolved Jean.

I always get a kick out of how relatively easily Dave in nonsenscial situations just slides from adamant atheism into antitheism without a pause. He's perfectly genuine about thinking God doesn't exist, of course, but there is a level on which he kind of wants him to, just so he can face him and walk backwards into Hell, and as a result you get these situations where he sort of entertains the idea far more easily than he rationally should given his priors. The yelling at God about why he isn't curing malaria instead of whatever this is is pretty unique to the very particular mental state he's in on that iteration, but the multiple times he offhandedly thinks maybe this is literally Hell are total nonsense in his professed belief system but nonetheless a place where his mind is just inclined to go.

Meanwhile, I also enjoy the bit where Mia gets him to contemplate that he might be experiencing proof that souls exist - but he's less willing to entertain that in the same way because it doesn't have the same emotional valence for him, so it's not something that properly occurred to him before that, and then he just throws up his hands and moves on.

Thanks if you read it! I would love to hear any thoughts on it.

[blancheludis]

Whumptober 2024 Day 18: unreliable narrator

Fandom: Star Wars: Clone Wars Relationship: Fox / Quinlan Vos Characters: Fox, Quinlan Vos, Thorn, Cody Tags: Institutional Abuse, Hurt Fox, Dubious Consent (nothing graphic), Miscommunication, Misunderstanding, Protective Cody

Summary:

The first time Vos asks him to bed, Fox feels the loss of something in his chest, so intense that he is frozen for a second too long, a second in which Vos' face scrunches up in displeasure that has Fox scrambling to make it up to him. It is stupid to feel betrayed. The clones were made to serve and even if the Coruscant Guard does not have a Jedi of their own does not mean that the Jedi cannot come to them and take what they are owed.

A feather light touch rips Fox out of his musings. Glove on gauntlet, no skin involved, yet it burns. "Is this okay?" Vos asks as if Fox can choose how to answer, as if there is anything acceptable to say other than yes, sir.

---

The first time Fox meets Quinlan Vos, they are hunting the same smuggler on the lower levels of Coruscant. Fox is rude at the interruption of his mission and then almost dies from shock when Vos reveals he is a Jedi. Vos laughs the entire thing off.

Later, Fox thinks that was a fitting start to their entire, unconventional relationship.

---

The second time they meet, Vos sticks around after they have arrested some weapons dealer. He leans against the wall, legs crossed, while Fox deals with the bureaucratic nonsense that is part of his job. When Fox is done and ready to return to his patrol, Vos falls into step with him.

"Why are you still favouring your shoulder, Fox?" he asks, completely out of the blue, his eyes trained on Fox with a weight Fox is not sure how to interpret.

It is surprising Vos even remembers that Fox hurt his shoulder. They were hardly working together during their smuggler hunt and almost came to blows over who would be the one to take the guy in - at least until Vos revealed his status as Fox' superior. He hid his pain then just as he is hiding it now. If he pays attention, however, little seems to escape General Vos' notice.

"I'm fully functional, General," Fox declares and straightens further, as if to prove his point. 

The last thing he needs is a Jedi doubting he can do his job. Things are hard enough as they are. The Guard does not need more scrutiny. They need several weeks of leave, a full medical check-up including a soak in a bacta tank, eight hours of sleep and three square meals a day. Thankfully, Fox is not prone to dream of impossible things. He has enough crushing him without it.

"That's not what I was asking." Vos’ eyebrows draw together in an unhappy frown. "Don't tell me you haven't been to see a medic."

For a moment there, he sounded like Thorn when Fox returns from the Chancellor's office only to go directly to his next posting. A strained shoulder is, of course, nothing compared to a correctional meeting with Palpatine.

"It's not bad enough to waste anyone's time over it," Fox says and hopes they can leave it at that.

Instead, Vos stops him with an outstretched arm. "Not so bad?" he echoes, tone disapproving. "It hurts you. I can see that. What if it slows you down and you hurt it again? What if you do something more permanent to it instead of just sucking it up and get someone to look at it?"

Fox has been trained to suck it up, and Priest carved that lesson even deeper long before he ever braved the hell of Coruscant.

"If I can't do my job anymore," he stills says, "I'll get decommissioned."

If that ever happens, Thorn will curse his very name for having to take over. But he will, because they have all the fail-safes in place that they can get away with. Protecting each other is all they have left. 

"Force," Vos breathes, glaring at Fox. "I know the Jedi stopped decommissioning, but that's still not something you should joke about."

Circumstances have led to Fox having a very dark sense of humour, but that is reserved for his vode - and not for very real issues he has to deal with every day. He is not sure he can believe General Vos if he says his brothers on the frontlines really do not have to deal with decommissioning anymore, but things are different on Coruscant. They always are.

Fox is glad he can hide behind his bucket; not sure he can keep the dismay completely off his face. He turns to fully face Vos, stands at attention "How can I help you, General?"

Vos frowns but does not press the matter. "I just wanted to compare notes on that bomber from a few weeks back. The Council is not happy that the guy is still out there."

"Of course." Work, Fox can do. He sends a message to his patrol partner that he will be late and leads Vos to his office. The sooner he can get rid of Vos, the better.

---

Each time Fox thinks Vos is done with them, he turns up again, always full of obnoxious energy, always turning his eyes where they have no business being. The smuggler ring has been taken down, the arms dealer told them about his contacts, the bomber has been arrested. They do not have any current business with each other, and yet Vos seems to be there every time Fox turns a corner.

The trooper at the front desk warns him that General Vos is here to see him and would not take no for an answer, so Fox checks that nothing incriminating is on his desk - casualty reports, reconditioning requests, summaries of how badly equipped the Guard really is - and waits.

"Good evening my dear," Vos greets as he comes in uninvited and sits down in front of the desk before Fox has even a chance to salute him. "I have a few questions."

That sounds ominous, and Fox really does not have time for any of this. But he inclines his head anyway. "Of course, General Vos."

"None of that, Fox." Vos clicks his tongue. "We're all friends here."

Friends, of course. Natborns are not friends with clones. Jedi are not friends with their subordinates. But Fox has enough experience with the whims of other people that it leaves him unfazed.

"The last time I was here," Vos continues, thankfully not interested in any kind of reply from Fox. "I saw a number of your men walking around with injuries."

Yes, because General Vos is the type of person who does not accept a no and, when told that Fox is unavailable, goes searching for him, not hesitating to invade the medbay and even the barracks. Fox knows that nowhere is actually safe for them, that nowhere is actually theirs, but it still leaves him with a bitter aftertaste to see how little their privacy is worth.

"Yes," Fox agrees evenly and does not add anything else. Vos has not yet asked a question and Fox will not voluntarily give up information that could be viewed as punishable weakness.

Of course, Vos does not let it go. "Why is that?"

Once trained for battle, Fox has learned the value of paper trails. Most of his men's injuries are never even documented, because only the kind of people care that would use those reports against them. 

"Mishaps during missions. Prison riots. Unhappy people in the street," Fox counts off, using what few official reasons they do have. All the rest - angry civilians, unhappy senators, cruel aides, neglect, corporal punishment - will remain secret.

"All right," Vos drawls, sounding like he does not believe Fox, which is never a good position to be in with a natborn. "None of that is good, of course, but why weren't they in medbay? Why weren't they adequately treated before being sent back to work?"

Because they have neither the manpower nor the supplies. Because at least half of these injuries were done under the specific instruction that the troopers were not to receive treatment for them. 

"They were in working condition."

Vos' presses his lips into a thin, unhappy line. "Fox," he says, like an admonishment. But no order follows. No demand.

So, Fox stands his ground and simply shoots back, "General Vos."

"I don't understand." Vos stares, eyes fixed on Fox' bucket as if he can look right through it. "You care for your men."

He does. He does and it will never be enough. Will never save them. Keeping all of that out of his voice he says instead, "We have a job to do." And too few men and too little protection to do it.

"Is there something I can do?"

Now it is Fox' turn to stare, thankfully hidden behind his armour. If the Jedi believe that the Guard cannot do their job, things will get so much worse.

Tucking all of his fears, all of his hopes and misgivings deep inside, Fox lies, "We have everything under control, sir."

---

"I've made some inquiries."

More questions? Vos has been haunting the Guard HQ often enough that most of the shinies have stopped jumping at his shadow. By now, he has become a frequent enough a visitor in Fox' office that it sometimes feels empty without him sprawling in the uncomfortable chair across the desk.

"General?"

It is always the same with them, Vos saunters into Fox' office - or the canteen, or the medbay, or Fox' room, and once, even, the hall outside the Senate floor, anywhere he can ambush Fox - and opens with a question or an observation, all of which are too close to issues Fox would like to keep close to his chest. He rolls his eyes when Fox salutes him and calls Fox terrible nicknames. But when he talks about the Guard's injuries or Fox' schedule or their threadbare equipment, there is always steel in his eyes, almost like he does not like what he sees and yet does not blame Fox for it.

"One of your supply shipments was apparently held up in transit," Vos says with a tone that clearly shows this is not the complete truth. "It should arrive within the week."

Fox knows for a fact that no shipment was delayed because all of his requests were denied.

"Thank you?" he says carefully, nonetheless. His mind, though, is whirling. What's your price? he wants to ask. When will you ask me to pay?

The waiting is often worse than the cost itself.

---

The first time Vos commands him to bed, Fox feels the loss of something in his chest, so intense that he is frozen for a second too long, a second in which Vos' face scrunches up in displeasure that has Fox scrambling to make it up to him. It is stupid to feel betrayed. The clones were made to serve and even if the Coruscant Guard does not have a Jedi of their own does not mean that the Jedi cannot come to them and take what they are owed.

"Would you take off your helmet for me, Fox?"

A question is on the tip of Fox' tongue but he was not made to ask for explanations. With wooden fingers, he pulls his bucket off and then stares somewhere over Vos' shoulder while Vos musters him in return. Nothing good ever comes from natborns demanding the removal of a clone's bucket. Or any part of armour, really. Worst, probably, is that he did not expect this. Dozens of people in the Senate are prone to taking liberties, they have become as used to that as they ever will. But General Vos appeared to be different. 

At first, they had a grudging working relationship, but then Vos had started to ask questions, about the barracks, the state of their medbay, the shift length, the clones' injury rate. He never seemed happy with Fox' answers. Now, as Vos is silently shifting ever closer, Fox realised all of that might have simply been a buyer's concern with the state of his product. The clones were made for war, but perhaps the Jedi are concerned with how much damage is done to their property, how quickly they are going through clones. Replacements do not come cheap, after all, although the Chancellor likes to tell him it is more economic to produce a new trooper than to try and fix a faulty one.

A feather light touch rips Fox out of his musings. Glove on gauntlet, no skin involved, yet it burns.

"Is that okay?" Vos asks as if Fox can choose how to answer, as if there is anything acceptable to say other than yes, sir.

Fox does not trust his voice to hold steady, however, so he simply nods.

Vos leans even closer, right into Fox's personal space, which has him go tense, fighting the urge to stand at attention. Then there are lips on his, soft and warm, just a light pressure, no demand waiting behind them other than the unspoken order hanging in the air.

For a long moment, Fox lets it happen, lets his mind drift and leaves his lips lax. Then he snaps into action. He knows this part, knows his duty. As his lips begin to move against Vos', he raises a hand to cup Vos' cheek, making note of every small noise, every miniscule change in expression. This is the most important thing, to know what the natborn likes and wants. Some of them are happy to bark orders, making it easy to disappear into his head and just go with the flow. Others like to be catered to. Fox does not know who Quinlan Vos will be, but nothing about him has been simple until now.

Then, of course, Vos withdraws, at once smiling and frowning.

The stabbing pain in Fox' chest can easily be attributed to anxiety, to worrying he has made a misstep. It has nothing to do with the loss of warmth, of potential. "General?"

Vos winces, frozen in place. "This is inappropriate," he mutters quietly, like a secret between them.

Yes, Fox thinks, please don't ruin what could have almost been a friendship. Or at least as much of a trusted partnership as there can be between Jedi and Clone. Instead, he says, voice carefully blank, "This is what you want it to be."

Vos' frown deepens, dark lines of unhappiness. "What do you want?" he asks as if that ever mattered.

To keep his men safe, to keep the stores stocked, to have enough medical supplies on hand. To sleep. To have one thing for himself.

Fox studies Vos, sees the want in his eyes, even though he holds himself back. The decision is easy then, to caress Vos' cheekbone with his thumb and to pull him back in.

"Oh, thank the Force," Vos mutters and Fox makes himself relax into the touch.

He can do this. He has done so a hundred times before. Admittedly not with someone he might have begun to care about, but the motions remain the same. He will lie back, do his part, and protect his brothers another day.

---

Vos always stays, after, sprawling out in Fox' tiny bunk bed, soaking up warmth, tracing Fox' scars with an expression Fox cannot quite read. Almost like he wants to erase them, or like he is angry that someone dared to touch what he considers his.

The few times he runs out on Fox, he offers quiet apologies, as if Fox actually has time to waste lazing around in bed. Like he wants to remain here even a minute longer. Like there are not a dozen other people waiting for him to do his job.

The even fewer times Fox dares to leave first - when there is an emergency that Thorn has to call him in for or, once, when the Chancellor summons him - Vos catches Fox' hand as he stands, pressing a kiss against his knuckles.

"I need this war to be over," he mutters.

Fox does not dare to ask What for? The clones were bred for war. He knows his batchmates sometimes talk about after like there ever will be one. Perhaps the frontliners need that to keep them going. Perhaps, for them, there will be an end, someday. Fox knows he will not see it. Most of the Guard will not.

He is tired enough that he does not even mind too much.

---

The thing is, Fox thinks he could enjoy this under different circumstances. If Vos were not a commanding officer. If Fox were not a clone. He never had the feeling that Vos likes to play power games. He just sees something he likes and takes it. Well, he apparently liked Fox and Fox is in no position to have a choice in anything. If Vos put his mind to it, he could woo anyone he liked. Fox, however, is convenient. Always on Coruscant - always busy, too, but not so much that he would deny a Jedi General his time. His commanders have quickly learned to shuffle around schedules whenever Fox is summoned to the Chancellor. There is no telling how long those meetings take. Or which state Fox is in when he comes out again. It is not too much of a hardship to do the same when General Vos saunters into the Guard HQ like the entire sad complex belongs to him, not just Fox.

Sometimes, Fox wishes that Vos were the jealous type. If he knew how much time Fox spends alone with Palpatine, he might want to do something about it. Of course, Palpatine only ever aims to hurt and he seldom touches Fox himself. This thing with Vos is something else entirely.

"You are distracted today," Vos says, stretched out, skin glistening after the exertion. 

Fox is always distracted, trying to keep a careful balance between being attentive enough for Vos and thinking about the real work he is missing.

"I'm sorry," he says nonetheless and forces some of the tension out of his body.

"Don't be," Vos dismisses, easy as always, like Fox is not here to please him. "Is there something I can help with?"

End the war? Or, even more impossible, get the Guard enough men and supplies so they can actually have normal shifts and sleep cycles.

"Just tired," Fox says instead. "I'll do better."

"You're already perfect." Vos sometimes says these impossible things that Fox cannot even begin to interpret. The Kaminoans wanted the clones to be perfect for the Jedi, but is this truly what they meant?

Fox lets his head sink on Vos' shoulder and pretends he wants to be here. Pretends he does not know that, sometimes, he actually does.

---

"Fox, my dear," Vos says by way of greeting before the office door is even closed behind him, not caring who might hear. "I brought medical supplies."

Fox straightens but fails to stand as the words register in his brain. "General?" he chokes out, too weary to be hopeful.

Throwing himself into the visitor chair, Vos grins widely at him, bright and careless, just a hint of bite underneath. "I don't know why you ran out, but it was easily rectified."

Easy. As if Fox has not spent hours and every argument under the moon to get the Guard resupplied. "I - Thank you."

"Nonsense. Anything for my favourite Marshal Commander." He looks very pleased with himself and Fox has no argument against it. This is a much-needed reprieve, and he almost asks what he has done to deserve this. Or what he will have to do.

"Give me two minutes, please, to wrap this up. Then I'm all yours." For once, he does not have to swallow so much bitterness. He realized early on that he will do anything to protect his men, his brothers, and being with Vos is not a hardship, since he is never cruel. Fox is not so proud anymore that he cannot admit that he will gladly go down on his knees for new medical supplies, for any scrap of goodwill for his people. He will gladly keep Vos happy if that means more will come, later.

Vos beams up at him. "Take your time."

Fox pauses briefly. With other people, that might be a veiled threat, but Vos leans back in Fox' single, uncomfortable visitor chair and seems rather content, eyes closed, fingers crossed behind his head. It is not a trick, hopefully. Vos has not tricked him yet. Not once. So, Fox deems it safe to finish up his report.

It takes four minutes and yet Vos does not call him out on it. He just jumps up eagerly when Fox announces he is done and leads the way to Fox' room. By now, he knows the way by heart.

---

"I'm close to the Senate, Foxy." Vos' message comes in when Fox is halfway through revising the patrol schedules. "Do you have some time for me?"

Fox wants to say no. He wants to say his shift is almost over and then he has four hours to sleep before he has to get back up again, and he needs that sleep because he has lost count of how long he has been up. He wants to say that he had a meeting with the Chancellor earlier and every movement hurts and his skin burns at the very thought of being touched by someone else. He wants to beg for later. For never, really.

He wants to say there are four decommissioning requests on his desk, and what good is it to fuck a Jedi when Vos does not even help save his men?

Fox breathes, conscious of the way the air flows into his body and back out, the way he learned to do in the moments before Priest gave the signal for the fighting to begin.

"My shift ends in half an hour," he tells Vos, respectful, professional. "I'll be in my office."

---

It is Cody who ruins everything. Cody, who has not informed Fox that he is on Coruscant and instead appeared at the Guard HQ without warning. Cody, who has not called Fox in months and has not done anything to curb his men's derision against the Guard. Cody, who looks at Fox' office with disdain first before his eyes fall on Fox, almost like an afterthought.

"Is that a hickey?" he asks by way of greeting, as if they still have the kind of relationship that allows for intimate observations. Then, of course, his eyes wander higher. "Did - is that a bruise?"

There is a reason why the Coruscant Guard keeps their helmets on at all times. Not just to keep them anonymous, but also so that nobody can see the damage underneath.

"It's nothing," Fox brushes off Cody's shock. And it really is nothing anymore, just a sickly green shadow plastered over the left side of his face.

"Fox," Cody says as if he expects Fox to be impressed by a mere admonishment. As if they did not both go through command class on Kamino. As if they have not both survived the war until now.

"It's just a bruise." And a broken zygomatic arch, but Thire forced him to actually use some of their already dwindling again bacta supplies to deal with that. Walking around with broken bones in his face is an invitation for disaster. Thire rightly argued that the Guard would descend into headless panic if he went down and did not get back up again. The smug smartass knows exactly how to get to Fox.

Something happens on Cody's face that Fox does not know how to interpret, his worry morphing into something darker, something almost accusatory. Out of the blue, he asks, "Obi-Wan told me that you and Quinlan Vos are an item?"

While Fox still reels over Cody's casual use of his General's given name, the rest of the words need a moment to register in his brain. When they do, Fox almost laughs. Of all the people Cody could blame, Vos is probably the only one who has never actively caused Fox physical harm.

"The two are not related." If he had not been left beaten and bloody by sexual partners before, he might have said it with more indignation. As it is, his voice falls flat and apparently does nothing to reassure Cody, so he tries again. "General Vos does not damage me." He barely suppresses a wince at himself. Apparently, he has forgotten how to speak to people other than his vode.

Cody looks like he is not sure which part of that statement to address first. "You call him General?"

"He is a General." At least Fox assumes so, and Vos has never corrected him. Apart from trying to get him to just drop the title completely. He is not a naive shiny, though. He knows the rules.

Cody cocks his head to the side. "Even in bed?"

Fox wants to be anywhere but here. What right does Cody have to inquire about what he does and with whom? Impatience pushing against his teeth, he says, "He prefers me not to."

"But you don't?" Cody asks slowly, eyes fixed on Fox', clearly searching for something.

Already, this conversation has worn Fox out more than a sixteen-hour shift in the senate. "My opinion hardly matters," he replies like he is reciting from the unofficial rule book of the Guard.

Any of his men would nod and accept that. Any of his men have been in similar situations, where they locked up their feelings and shielded their minds, just letting reality happen for a while. Cody seems to have skipped that lesson, or he really, truly believes all those jokes about the cushy desk job on Coruscant, meaning that Fox could not possibly know anything about hardship.

"What do you mean by that?" Cody asks. Cody, who never learned that it is always better not to fight back.

Fox swallows a sigh, keeps his face blank as if he is talking to a natborn, not a former batchmate. "What do you want, Cody?"

Clearly not seeing any irony in it, Cody replies. "I'm concerned for my brother." Fox cannot quite hide his wince at that. This is the first time he has talked to Cody in ages and every communication for a while has been stilted and professional, mostly about official business and not as batchmates. "And here you are with a bruise on your face and a hickey rather close to it. And you say -"

"I'm saying I'm a clone and he is a natborn Jedi General," Fox cuts him off. So much for staying calm. He does not have the energy to defend himself against someone who should understand him better than anyone else. Surely, Fox is not the only Marshal Commander who has to make sacrifices for his men. "General Kenobi can't be so lax you've forgotten how that works."

Cody flinches, an honest, full-body jerk as if hit by a blaster bolt. His expression morphs from suspicion to something more horrified. "Where did you get the bruise?"

On the ground in Palpatine's office with four Red Guard standing over him, alternating their boots and electrostaffs to keep him down. This time, it was not even disguised as training, so he had to take his armour off. To make the lesson stick better.

Pushing his shoulder back and raising his chin just so, Fox says, "While doing my job." It is not even a lie. Sharper, he adds, "We're not pushing flimsi around all day, Cody."

But Cody does not even hear the insult. Instead, he takes a step forward, almost pushing against the desk, making Fox wish he had cleared the it as soon as he heard Cody was coming towards the office. His paperwork is sorted by priority. If this conversation comes to blows, it will take ages to sort everything again.

"And what?" Cody snaps, tone burning cold all of a sudden. "You forgot to go to medical and Vos didn't bring you there either when he noticed the giant kriffing bruise on your face but decided to suck hickeys into your neck instead?"

"I went to medical." He did, if only because Thire forced him to. He got the fracture fixed.

He almost asked Vos, too, once, to not leave marks, but decided fleeting hickeys were not worth the risk when Vos could leave much more permanent things instead if he ever grows tired of being gentle.

"And they didn't treat you?" Cody's voice has lowered to almost a growl.

Fox' composure cracks, too exhausted to keep his tone even. "They fixed the broken bone underneath. Cody, what are you getting at?"

The anger bleeds out of Cody as if it never existed in the first place. He goes still, at once shrinking in on himself and growing tenser. He looks directly into Fox' eyes, brother and stranger in one. "Does Vos force you to sleep with him?"

Fox stares. His entire body is locked in place. Thankfully, he has much experience with remaining unmoved in the face of disaster. Why would Cody ask something like that? It does not matter whether there is actual force involved. Fox is a good soldier and he follows orders. Cody should know that. They have been trained for that. 

Cody's face falls, growing pale. Voice suddenly hoarse, he says, "You're taking too long to answer."

And Fox is just tired. He shrugs, going for flippant but ending up defeated. "I just don't know what you want me to say."

"A believable no would be appreciated."

"No," Fox says, slowly, meeting Cody's eyes unflinchingly. "General Vos does not force me into bed."

"Karking hell, Fox. I need to -" Running a hand through his hair, Cody drops his eyes, focusing on the desk as if that will give him answers. "I'll message Obi-Wan."

"No," Fox snaps. Panic runs through him like electricity, leaving him raw and aching like a dozen hits from an electrostaff. "Why would you - You can't do that."

It does not matter what Cody thinks about his General. It does not matter if Cody and Kenobi sleep together and think it means something. It does not even matter if Kenobi actually holds a protecting hand over the 212th, in payment for services rendered or otherwise. Fox and the Coruscant Guard are separate from the GAR. The are under direct command of the Chancellor. Their bed was made for them and they have learned to lie in it.

It was harrowing enough when Vos started snooping around, and by now Fox is glad that he is so easily satisfied, that what Fox can give him is enough. Involving Kenobi would only mean more natborn eyes on their business, more questions about their inadequacies, more brains picking their carefully built system apart. They were made for the Jedi but the Jedi have never cared for the Guard, and they really cannot take things getting even worse.

"If Vos is hurting you -" Cody starts, completely missing the point.

"He's not," Fox says desperately, fervently wishing Cody would just drop this. "He's one of the only ones who don't. And we need him. Because he's also one of the only ones who gives something back. Yes, he sometimes comes at inconvenient times. Yes, he lingers after, usually cutting my sleep cycle terribly short. And, yes, he's demanding. But he does not hurt me or my men. He even got our medbay resupplied when we've been denied for months." Becoming aware that he is rambling, Fox snaps his jaw shut, biting the inside of his lip until he tastes blood.

Cody looks at him, at the bruise, at the way Fox has raised his hands in a beseeching matter without even noticing it. "I'm not -" he says and stops, breathes. "I don't understand what you're saying."

"What isn't there to understand?" Fox all but cries, something sharp and bitter lodged inside his throat. He has long since learned to swallow around it, but right now he feels like choking. "Vos wants to sleep with me, but he also gives something back." Nobody else does. All everyone does all the time is take and Fox has nothing to give anymore. He is hollowed out, broken. Most days, he runs on instinct alone, leaving behind bigger and bigger parts of himself.

And Cody still does not understand. "And do you want to sleep with him?" he asks, circling back to what they have already established. It does not matter what any clone wants.

Slowly, quietly, Fox says, "It's not like I could say no." He does not mention that, sometimes, he would not say no either, if asked.

Cody takes a step back, like he finally realizes that Fox needs space, that he cannot breathe, that everything is crumbling. But he does not.

"I really need to call Obi-Wan."

Blood rushes in Fox' ears as everything else slows down and greys out. "If you do that," he says, carefully pronouncing every single syllable, "don't ever bother to come back here. We need those supplies."

"So what? You're okay with whoring yourself out for bacta?" The moment these words hang between them, Cody's face turns horrified, wide-eyed, forehead scrunching into tight lines, and he curses under his breath. "I'm so-"

"Yes," Fox cuts in, clipped and cold and as straight-backed as he ever is in the Chancellor's office. "We were created to serve the Republic and I do that. But I'd also do anything to protect my men. I thought you would understand that, Marshal Commander." And because he is tired of biting back the petty part of him that feels betrayed by his batchmates, he adds, "You don't presume to tell me that General Kenobi loves you, do you?"

Cody flinches but Fox does not take any satisfaction from that. He just wants to be alone.

"I'm sorry, Fox. We'll fix this," Cody vows, much too late.

Fox smiles but it tastes hollow. "The Guard doesn't need your pity."

"No, but you clearly need our help."

---

Nobody could say that Quinlan Vos is a coward. He gets his jaw punched by Obi-Wan and his heart broken by Commander Cody, but after a week of hiding in his rooms and drinking to get the taste of bile out of his mouth, he gathers every last scrap of courage and goes back to the Guard HQ.

The trooper at the entrance desk salutes him. "General Vos. I'll let the Marshal Commander know you're here."

That is how it always went. Quinlan came and everybody went out of their way to be helpful. He never saw anyone's face other than Fox' and those of the constant circling troops in the medbay, but he never gauged any unhappiness at his presence, never any reluctance. He knew, of course, that Fox has a lot on his plate, that he is working too much. It never occurred to Quinlan that he was another burden, another unavoidable appointment in Fox' schedule instead of someone Fox wants to make time for.

"Tell him to take his time," he says, not really trying to keep the desperation out of his voice. He needs to preserve his energy. "I'm happy to wait."

The trooper pauses just briefly, short enough that Quinlan would have missed it if he had not looked for minute reactions. Underneath the helmet, the trooper is likely staring.

Quinlan bites his tongue to stop himself from asking the man's name. He has no right to that anymore.

"He'll meet you in his office, sir."

Of course. Quinlan can only imagine how Cody's conversation with Fox went. He has never seen Cody this distressed before.

---

"Commander," Quinlan greets, aching when Fox blinks at the use of his title. He remains standing just inside the door. Suddenly, the visitor's chair is too close to the desk, too close to Fox.

Fox stands like he always does, greets Quinlan like he always does. "General Vos."

Nothing seems to be amiss. Nothing has changed. That just makes everything more real. Cody and Obi-Wan were right. Quinlan had not wanted to believe them. A small part of him thought he would come here and Fox would laugh at the ridiculous ideas their brothers came up with. They could clear it all up and kiss it better. Now, though, the very thought of kissing has bile rising in Quinlan's throat. Through his work, he has come in contact with a lot of disgusting people in the galaxy. He realizes now that he belongs on that list.

"I want to apologize to you. I have been made aware that I have operated under false assumptions and -" Curse him. He had an entire speech planned and now he sounds like he is reading directly out of the instruction manual of one of their diplomacy classes in the temple. Swallowing against the tightness of his throat, Quinlan tries again. "I never meant to hurt you."

What a terrible thing to say. What good does regret do them? As if he could just say sorry and be done with it.

And then Fox makes it all worse 

"I have to apologize, General," Fox says, his tone even. His face, though, holds the same pleasant neutrality Quinlan has come to loathe. This is how Fox looks when he is overwhelmed, when he is not sure what to do but will say yes nonetheless. This is how Fox looked when Quinlan first kissed him. "This is all a misunderstanding. Commander CC-2224 had incomplete information and overstepped without my knowledge -"

Quinlan shakes his head and then bites his lip, hard, when Fox stops talking immediately. Still, he presses on. "Cody was completely right to involve Obi-Wan. I have been hurting you and didn't even realize it." Saying it out loud just makes his actions more despicable.

For a long moment, Fox just watches him, his brow faintly creased. "Permission to speak freely, sir."

The words hit like blaster bolts, burning against Quinlan's skin. He nods, not trusting himself to speak.

"You have not hurt me. Not once," Fox declares without even a hint of hesitation, as if he truly believes that. "In fact, you have saved several of my men and I'm beyond grateful."

The taste of blood fills Quinlan's mouth, and yet he does not let go of his lip immediately. This is worse, so much worse than Quinlan feared.

"I didn't get you medical supplies to make you grateful," he says, his voice giving out on him. "I didn't do it to buy you."

No matter what he meant, every time he brought a ship full of essentials or even just a crate of basic supplies, Fox dropped everything he was doing to take Quinlan to bed. He never minded what he thought was enthusiastic thanks, not when he believed it was freely given, that Fox was happy to see him as much as the goods.

"You don't need to buy me," Fox says easily and then crushes what little hope Quinlan had left. "Clones already belong to the Jedi."

Quinlan curses his courage now. He should have done this per message, sent an apology after taking hours to find the right words. Then he could have disappeared out of Fox' life and they all could have gone their separate ways. No need to drag his shame out like this. No need to remind him what an absolute karking piece of bantha shit he is, repeatedly raping someone who cannot say no.

"You are a person," Quinlan says firmly and raises a hand to cut off Fox' protest before Fox can even open his mouth. "I don't care what the legalese says. You and your brothers are all people. You are all individuals with dreams and fears and needs. It's bad enough that the Republic forces you to fight their war for them." He makes himself look at Fox' eyes, not sure whether he is relieved when Fox stares at something right above Quinlan's shoulder. "I never meant to make things worse for you."

Now, their eyes meet. Now, there is a spark behind that flat expression.

"You didn't," Fox insists and Quinlan wishes for nothing more than that he could believe him. But he cannot.

To prove that, even though it will only hurt the both of them more, he says, haltingly, "So, if I told you right now to take off your armour and get on your knees for me, you would do it?"

"Yes." No hesitation, not even a twitch on Fox' terribly even face, the spark extinguished as if it was never there at all.

Bile rises once again in Quinlan's throat. "Even after I just said I don't want to hurt you and that I consider you a person with free will?"

Fox inclines his head just so, in a way that Quinlan always thought looked teasing. Now, he recognizes it for defeat. "I follow orders."

"Not these," Quinlan snaps. It is not Fox he is angry at, and yet he cannot help but making things worse. Unbidden, he asks, "Am I the only one?"

Fox is silent for a few beats too long. "I follow orders," he then repeats, flat, hollow.

Quinlan presses a hand against his eyes, as if this entire terrible situation would resolve itself if he just stopped looking at it. As if he could imagine himself somewhere else and just make it so. 

"This stops now," he then says, promises, really. It is easier to hold Fox' gaze when he gathers his determination instead of just carrying his guilt. "The Council is already working on getting you your own Jedi General."

Well, Obi-Wan is working on it. But Obi-Wan has been filled the kind of trembling fury that means he will stop at nothing to make this right. There has never been an injustice he saw and did not try to fix. He is the only one Quinlan trusts with this. More, certainly, than himself. He has done enough damage.

"Sir?" Fox asks quietly, looking wrong-footed for the first time since Quinlan entered his office.

"Not me, don't worry," he says quickly and then moves past it, unwilling to dwell on all the damage he has wrought when Fox will not do the sensible thing and punch him. Or yell at him. Or throw him out. Any healthy reaction would be a step in the right direction. "It has been a grave oversight that you've been placed directly under the Senate's supervision. We all know this place if full of vipers."

"The Chancellor won't allow that," Fox blurts out, clearly unhappy with himself for it.

And Quinlan heard him, loud and clear, sees the unhappy crease to his brow that was entirely absent before. "What do you mean?"

Pulling his hands behind his back, out of sight, Fox explains, "He can veto the Council's interference. He will."

"Why?"

Fox's jaw moves as he clearly considers and dismisses several possible answers.

Something is wrong. Something that has nothing to do with Quinlan. Maybe he should not throw himself at this, but he is desperate for any excuse to move them past Fox' unmoved, unquestioning ignorance of Quinlan trying to apologize. 

"Is there something I need to know about the Chancellor?"

Fox clenches his jaw for barely a fraction of a second. "No, sir."

There has never been a more obvious lie.

"Commander, I need you -" Quinlan comes to his senses and cuts himself off. What is he doing? He really has done enough damage here. "I'm sorry. I've known for a while that something's wrong here on Coruscant. You have never been treated well, but -" He clenches his hands, hides them just like Fox does. "Please cooperate with whoever the Council chooses for you. We want to help. We should have helped much sooner, but - I told them about your lack of medical supplies. About the restricted equipment. I see now I should have never assumed that was all of it." He looks at Fox, almost begs him, "Please let them help."

His tone and expression are as far from making this an order as he possibly can. Yet, he has the distinct feeling that this might be the only thing Fox would put up a fight against even if Quinlan ordered him. Accepting help, and from the Jedi no less, seems to be the point where Fox draws his line. If it were not such a terrible, hopeless situation, Quinlan might laugh. Where did they go so wrong?

And then Fox makes it worse. "Can't you stay?" he asks, a barely-there tremor to the words. That just breaks Quinlan's heart all over again, even before he can make sense of the actual words.

"What?" Quinlan asks before Fox can retrace. "You want me to - No, Fox. No. I hurt you. I -" He swallows, tries to breathe. He came here to stop hiding from the truth, so he pushes on. "I raped you, and I didn't even notice what I was doing. You deserve so much better."

Fox blinks, leaning back. With him, that might be the equivalent of a full body flinch. "You didn't rape me," he says, aghast, his tongue barely fitting around the word.

With bitter regret, Quinlan points out, "You didn't think you could say no to me and, really, I should have realized that. You never said no to anything else either, even if I knew you weren't happy about it." Ranging from how to go about a mission to forcing Fox to take a break, he never complained, never argued, never insisted on his opinion once Quinlan made his known.

"That's not rape," Fox tries again. "You never hurt me." He does not look like someone who is in denial that something bad might have happened to him. No, he looks like someone who experienced everything bad in the world and thinks this does not make the cut.

Quinlan breathes. Inhale, hold, exhale. "Your bruises. Did someone else -" he trails off. He is not the right person to lead this conversation. He does not even have the right to get angry over this, since he did the exact same thing to Fox. Perhaps he did no leave physical marks. Perhaps he did not mean to hurt him. None of that matters. Only what happened, which is that he abused someone he loves. Even thinking the word leaves a vile taste in his mouth, but he cannot hide from that. He believed himself to be in love and still hurt Fox, over and over again.

Pulling his shoulders further back, Fox says slowly, deliberately, "I would prefer if you became our General. You already know the Guard, and I -" His eyes flicker up to meet Quinlan's. "I believe you."

Breathing is not going to keep Quinlan calm for much longer. A pit has opened up in his stomach, aching and pulling at his insides. He wants to scream, to drink himself into oblivion to forget any of this ever happened. He has a debt to pay, though. Not for a moment does he believe that Fox trusts him, and he should not, but he has gone so long against Fox' wishes that he also does not want to brush him off now. Does not want to disappoint him again. This is a slippery slope and he is not sure there is a right answer. But this might be the first time Fox has asked something of him, no matter how carefully he dressed it as a mere statement.

"I can vet whoever they appoint," he tries to argue, thinking that he has to. "I can accompany them whey you are introduced."

"Please," Fox says and it would have been less painful if he stabbed Quinlan with his own lightsaber.

Quinlan guesses this is a thing of Fox rather taking the devil he knows instead of someone unknown. It is not a good solution, not healthy, but he finds himself nodding anyway. 

Still, he says, "We need clear ground rules. We will not be alone, ever, and you will tell me if you are of another opinion than I am. These are your men. I just want to fight the Senate and every other bastard who wants to treat you badly." 

"General," Fox says and Quinlan has no idea whether he means it as a question or an affirmation. Fox is a terrific actor, and Quinlan already knows he cannot take anything he says at face value until they have built some trust. If they ever manage to.  Quinlan is willing to give everything for it, though.

"I really am sorry," he says again, wishing Fox could believe him. And Fox looks at him, face still blank, but something seems to soften in his eyes. "Thank you, General."

[crazy-grrrl-on-the-computer]

Okay, sorry for suddenly appearing, but I'm too curious for my own sake. There are posts you tag with some of your OC and now I'm interested in Dark and Justice. Both are that kind of pair I would love.

I AM SO SORRY IT HAS BEEN 84 YEARS AND SO MUCH HAS CHANGED, BUT I PROMISE THEY’RE EVEN COOLER NOW!

JUSTICE TRANSED HIS WHOLE IDENTITY AND IS NOW A VAMPIRE NAMED DAMIEN, AND DARK MURDERED HIS EVIL EX AND STOLE HIS NAME //WHOOPS

Aaaah, thank you for asking about the murder babes!!!!! ;;3;; But please, you never have to apologize for asking about my OCs~ I love talking about them and I’m really glad you were curious for more information even if I somehow entirely forgot to post the original reply I had typed up before everything changed and only just recently rediscovered this Ask still floating around in my inbox!

Dark is my OC and Damien belongs to my friend @dirtflavoredcoke (you can find more OC-related stuff on their @kieranocemporium blog)

The ship has a new tag on my blog now to represent the new era and also because of just how much has changed about Damien’s backstory!

Warning: There is a massive chunk of text with accompanying art below the cut! ^^

Damien was born human to a farming family in Geneva, New York alongside his sister, Quinn, sometime during the early 1900s (1896, to be exact). Their father had hoped for many children, particularly boys, to help out around the farm but was disappointed that it appeared he had two daughters. “Appeared” being the keyword because little did they know that the promiscuous boy-crazy eldest who was caught on at least one occasion with the hired farm hand in the loft was a boy the entire time. This, of course, Quinn knew and accepted even if she didn’t fully understand her brother yet.

Although their father would have preferred him to “focus on becoming a proper lady and wife”, Damien began a career as a sex worker despite the growing risk of imprisonment that came with the US government’s rising concern about prostitution and the spread of venereal diseases brought on by the first World War. Also, he may or may not have endured some pregnancy-related trauma (miscarriage or abortion) while working that job. Either way, it is safe to presume that this wasn’t the first or last era where he would serve some amount of jail time for offenses including but possibly not limited to public intoxication, obscenity, and patronizing speakeasies during Prohibition.

But by the 1920s, Damien was dying from tuberculosis and, short of better options for survival, he allowed his vampire partner at the time to bite him and save his life. Damien had hoped that turning would allow him to spend more time with Quinn, since he had always felt quite protective of her (an understatement for sure), but he wound up having to leave her behind for her own protection, so his family assumed he had simply died from the illness. (He would later find out that Quinn would run away in grief and be turned without consent by a different vampire that same year, but they wouldn’t reunite until many decades later.)

Unfortunately, Damien’s taste in men had proven to be less than stellar, so after getting what he wanted (the bite) he left his asshole partner in the dust to figure out life as a vampire on his own. This was much easier said than done, but it did allow him to finally start transitioning socially and later, as gender-affirming care advanced in the states, he would begin to transition medically too. At some point along the way, he took up escort work until he decided to “retire” from the working life because he is admittedly too lazy to work and doesn’t think he should have to.

But this is where the backstory gets a bit blurry to my knowledge, so I will leave that up to Kieran to clarify.

Dark, birth name Ezra, is a poltergeist. I’m still working out the details of his backstory from when he was alive, but so far I’ve decided that he is descended from Italian immigrants who came to US America during the first Italian diaspora (+ he’s Irish on his mother’s side) and he died sometime in 1960s New York.

A combination of unchecked mental health struggles and a repressive Catholic upbringing during a high-tension war era already rife with racial prejudices bred just the right conditions for a rebellious streak in him. He gravitated toward the greaser subculture and acted out in ways that didn’t exactly win him many points with his contemporaries, but he was less concerned about fitting in and more focused on proving that he was his own person. Ezra had his eye on a girl, but her older brother did not approve of him and consistently tried to get between them. Eventually, in the heat of a confrontation, Ezra snapped and killed them both. While on the run, he was ultimately killed in a shootout with the police.

In hindsight, he realized much later that he had probably been trying to use the relationship to get close to her brother too but had mistaken that desire for jealousy and acted out in rage. That rage connected with his violent end is what wound up turning him into a poltergeist, which has ironically given him a lot of time to reflect through the decades and discover himself as a person via unhindered exposure to different types of people he had previously never been able to know or conceive of.

At some point, he wound up drawn to a psychic alongside four other poltergeists. A psychic’s purpose in what I call the Extended Monster Universe is more or less to act as a therapist to spirits who need to move on, but given that Lexy was only in high school and barely aware of this ability… she wasn’t exactly the best at it. But because she was determined for them all to get along and wasn’t picky about what she called her new poltergeist friends, Ezra started using Dark as an alias to avoid the irritating ordeal of being known. Unfortunately, there was an exorcist-in-training at her school who sniffed them out rather quickly. It took Dustin a while to bypass Lexy’s determination to keep her friends safe, but he eventually managed to trap them all in a spirit orb and pass them off to his older siblings – Lila and Brentley, two bounty hunters who specialize in artifacts.

It was in transit that they literally bumped into Jesse, a nobody trying to escape a bad situation, accidentally breaking the spirit orb and allowing the weakened poltergeists to seek refuse in his body. Terrified and confused, Jesse continued running and only later found out that he had somehow become a share soul for five very different poltergeists with very conflicting personalities. What this meant was that, in their desperation for safety, they had temporarily attached themselves to his soul for stability until they could regain enough of their power to figure out how to leave… and they were fighting for control. Sympathizing with them to an extent and realizing that they were on the run from the same people, Jesse made a deal with them that he would help the poltergeists find a way to escape if they helped him to avoid the bounty hunters who might do him harm for winding up in the middle of their mess.

A cross-dressing rom-com adventure unfolded from there as the poltergeists took turns attempting to resolve the “bad situation” Jesse had initially been running from and help him seduce Brentley once they realized a relationship could garner them access to artifacts that might release them from Jesse’s body. The romance wound up being more real than anyone was expecting and once again Dark was pushed to come to terms with his own sexuality. In any case, Jesse pulled through for them and the poltergeists made a break for it back out into the world at the first opportunity. From there, Dark no longer cared what happened to the other four or where they ended up (he would later on learn that at least three of them found their way back to Lexy for old time’s sake) – he felt more powerful than ever and he was going to make that the world’s problem.

This is more or less when Dark met Damien.

[This is where I would insert art of them together, if I had any recent ship art for them, but I wanted to get this reply out there sooner rather than later. ;;n;;]

One night, Dark happened to interrupt a vampire’s dinner. Seeing as he was already dead and harboring his own urge to kill, he decided that the smartest course of action would be to use the threat of exposure to blackmail Damien into letting him in on these hunts.

Of course he didn’t realize it for a long while, but practically from the moment he opened his mouth Damien already wanted a piece of him. The way Damien saw it, it was real cute that a cocky poltergeist thought he cared about something as inconsequential to him as exposure, but he did prefer his men to be the “take charge” type and what better aphrodisiac could there be than bloody murder.

Playing his newfound partner for sport seemed to be exactly what Dark wanted… until their accompliceship turned into a flirtationship (no thanks to Damien’s dirty mouth), which found its way to the bedroom (figuratively speaking). To say that Dark wasn’t the best at flirting/relationships would be an understatement, as most people think he is too awkward and blunt, but he’s a quick and willing learner. If he hadn’t recently spent so much time in the body of someone who was very accustomed to casual friendly flirtation, he might have picked up on Damien’s attraction to him sooner.

But eventually it did slip out and Dark figured that, if playing house together satisfied Damien enough to give him what he wanted, he could make this  new development work for him. Damien’s feelings were initially just another way for Dark to maintain control of the situation (or so he thought), but Damien was hoping it would only be a matter of time until Dark finally made a romantic move that didn’t involve the bedroom. Living in such close proximity to Damien and Quinn meant getting used to their personalities, habits, and routines… and feeling some way about it. Soft things.

The first time Dark noticed that he was smiling fondly at Damien, he spiraled into an intense and prolonged internal debate. Fondness wasn’t an emotion he was familiar with and it was making him lose sight of his goals. The solution was simple: Damien was ruining him, so Dark needed to kill him. But… he shouldn’t be so hasty. Perhaps Damien was still useful. Did he… care?!

After grappling with the realization that Damien’s feelings were apparently contagious, he is currently satisfied with his decision to not kill his partner because if this is what love feels like then he’d just have to be okay with it. As it turns out, it’s really nice to feel comfortable enough with someone to let them watch his back for once instead of pushing them away. This is what he’d been missing out on all those years, so maybe he can allow himself to want it.

There is more to this story (more characters and more development), but this summarizes how their found family got here pretty well.

If you have a Toyhou.se account, you can take a peek at Dark’s current in-progress profile and see more images of him here, and you can also find Damien’s profile/gallery here. They’re a bit threadbare right now, since we’ve only recently gotten started on that site, but we’re making progress!!

More art can be found on Kieran’s instagram: kieranology.artz

Kieran also made an in-character aesthetic blog for Damien, which you can find here if you’re interested in seeing what kind of blog he would have (nugoth and vampires; warning for blood, suggestive, and simulated gore content): @damienxdeadly

Aesthetic Moon Divider found here.