#I'm having a meltdown because i thought i was going to get this resolved this afternoon

[mangled-by-disuse]

feel bad bc since the heating stopped working 90% of the things I say in all contexts are just variations on HEY IT'S COLD AND I'M MISERABLE

but. like.

it's cold and I'm miserable.

[perfectsunlight]

✧ 𝟬𝟰 ✧ 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗳𝗮𝗹𝗹𝗼𝘂𝘁

𝘄𝗮𝗿𝗻𝗶𝗻𝗴𝘀: 𝗹𝗮𝗻𝗴𝘂𝗮𝗴𝗲, pushing

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𝗽𝗿𝗲𝘃𝗶𝗼𝘂𝘀 | 𝗺𝗮𝘀𝘁𝗲𝗿𝗹𝗶𝘀𝘁 | 𝗻𝗲𝘅𝘁

𝗙𝗘𝗕𝗥𝗨𝗔𝗥𝗬 𝟮𝟬𝟮𝟭

“no. now, bada. tell me now!” y/n shouted, fists clenched into balls at her sides. hot tears fell from her glaring eyes as she stared at the taller girl in front of her. bada ran a hand through her hair, trying to maintain her composure. 

there wasn’t anything that could stop the other girl’s meltdown. she knew better than that.

once the fire started, there was no way to put it out. she just had to let it burn out on its own.

the tension in the practice room was palpable, thick enough to suffocate. y/n's voice had risen to a feverish pitch, her chest heaving with every breath. her fists trembled as if they were on the brink of exploding into action. hot tears blurred her vision, but she refused to let them fall.

bada's attempt to maintain her composure was faltering. she could feel the weight of the younger girl’s accusations pressing down on her, threatening to break her resolve. her hand, once elegantly raking through her hair, now clenched into a fist at her side, mirroring y/n's anger.

"why are we talking about this here?" bada retorted, her voice tinged with exasperation as she turned away to face the mirrored wall. she couldn't bear to look into y/n's accusing eyes any longer.

but y/n was relentless, her voice trembling with the fury of betrayal. "because i want to know. i need to fucking know. was it you?"

bada closed her eyes for a moment, taking a deep breath, trying to find the right words. when she turned back to y/n, her expression was a mix of guilt, frustration, and fear. the storm that raged between the two dancers threatened to consume everything.

“yes, y/n,” bada finally admitted, her voice barely above a whisper. “it was me.”

y/n's face contorted with a mixture of hurt and pure rage. she took a step toward the korean, her finger pointing accusingly. “you knew how much it meant to me, how hard i worked on it! and you just stole it, without asking, without even telling me?”

bada couldn't meet the other girl’s gaze. it was a fury brighter than the sun, and she didn’t feel like dealing with the hothead right now. she looked at her hands, as if there was anything interesting to look at there. “i was desperate, y/n. and we worked on part of it together so i thought i could make it work for the group.” she explained as calmly as possible.

the american clenched her fists so tightly that her knuckles turned white. “desperate? that's your excuse?! you think that justifies what you did?!” her voice raised even louder, disbelief ever evident in her tone.

“i had the company on my back! what did you think they were going to do? give me more time?” the taller girl snapped, feeling frustrated with the other dancer’s lack of understanding. bada was starting to feel aggravated now. how could the younger girl now understand where she was coming from?

“you could have just asked me! or just let me present the choreography myself!”

a sarcastic and forced laugh fell from the older girl’s lips. it was a sound y/n heard far too often from the taller girl. it was belittling, truly. “you really think they’d let just some american dancer get credit for choreography of a korean girl group?”

that was the sentence that truly snapped something within the young american. all she saw was red.

y/n's eyes blazed with fury as she shot back, “it doesn't matter where i'm from, bada. it was my work, mine! you should have given me the choice to decide how to present it.” bada's frustration bubbled over, her own anger flaring. 

“you don’t get it do you? the company, the fans, everyone expected me to come up with something groundbreaking. i thought i was doing what was best for the group!”

the american's jaw tightened as she stepped even closer to bada, their faces inches apart. “so, what? you're saying your fucking reputation is more important than us? than me? because you couldn't even respect me enough to be honest!” 

bada's voice quivered with heated emotion as she shot back, "no, it's not like that, y/n! i value our friendship more than anything, but i thought i was helping you by showcasing your talent." y/n couldn't contain her frustration any longer. she raised her voice even higher, her words filled with resentment.

“helping me? by stealing from me? i don't need your fucking help!” y/n's shoulders heaved with anger, her face flushed with emotion. "well, congratulations, bada. you got your glory.”

“selfishness? you think i did this for myself? you don't understand how much i've sacrificed for this group, for you!” bada shouted back. the older girl took a step closer to y/n, face so close to hers that she could see the flames dancing in her eyes. and in bada’s own were a hurricane of emotions spinning.

“do you know what they say about me because of you? you shouldn’t even be here, you know that?” bada snapped again, eyes glaring daggers into the younger girl. “you should be thanking me.”

the two girls were too caught up in their argument to notice aespa’s arrival, as well as redlic’s in the practice room. 

it was no longer an argument between two dancers. this was a battle of fire and water.

“is that what you think of me? is that how you really feel about me?” y/n whispered, venom dripping in her tone. 

but it was what bada said after that made y/n completely lose her temper.

the taller girl had a smug glare on her features as she scoffed in her face. “oh, it's not just me. it’s everyone.”

all y/n remembered was pushing the korean girl so hard that bada ended up hitting her back against the mirrors hard. she remembered redlic pulling back the other girl while giselle held by the waist and dragged her away. 

her vision became a blur of red-hot anger and hurt. the room seemed to close in around her, and she was only vaguely aware of the shocked gasps from the others and their attempts to separate her from bada. 

aeri’s grip on her waist tightened, trying to restrain her best friend. “y/n please,” she pleaded quickly. “she isn’t worth it.”

bada’s fingers brushed against the back of her head, checking for any signs of injury. the hurricane of emotions in her eyes had turned into a whirlwind of shock and disbelief. she couldn’t believe you actually pushed her.

the tension in the practice room was palpable, and as if a volcano erupted, y/n's voice echoed off the walls with a mixture of betrayal and animalistic rage. “after everything? you really think that i shouldn't even be here?”

bada hesitated, her smugness fading in the face of y/n's intense emotions. she realized she had gone too far, but her pride prevented her from backing down. “it's just business. it's about doing what's best for the majority.”

the room fell into a heavy silence as y/n's anger and frustration churned within her. she couldn't find words to express the depth of her hurt and disappointment. 

it was redlic who finally broke the silence, her voice stern and authoritative. “that's enough, both of you! we're a team, and this is not how we resolve our issues.” she let go of bada as she turned to face giselle, who still held onto the american tightly. 

“please,” gigi said in a hushed tone, feeling how fast her friend’s heart was beating against her chest. “it’s not worth it, trust me.” she knew y/n was far from cooled down, and she mentally thanked her trainer for the strength training she received.

 the other girls exchanged worried glances, their debut on the line as they witnessed the heated altercation between their teammates.

y/n's chest heaved with the effort to control her emotions, but her eyes never left bada's. “no,” she declared, her voice trembling with a mix of determination and heartbreak. there was nothing left for her. this was it.

no more bada. no more SM. no more dance.

“i quit.”

✧ 𝗦𝗬𝗡𝗢𝗣𝗦𝗜𝗦 ✧ ⸺ 𝗯𝗮𝗱𝗮'𝘀 𝘀𝘁𝗿𝗼𝗻𝗴 𝗼𝗽𝗶𝗻𝗶𝗼𝗻 𝗼𝗳 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝘀𝗽𝗿𝗲𝗮𝗱𝘀 𝗹𝗶𝗸𝗲 𝘄𝗶𝗹𝗱𝗳𝗶𝗿𝗲, 𝘄𝗵𝗶𝗰𝗵 𝘁𝘂𝗿𝗻𝘀 𝗶𝗻𝘁𝗼 𝗻𝗼𝘁𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗯𝘂𝘁 𝗱𝗶𝘀𝗮𝘀𝘁𝗲𝗿. 𝗻𝗲𝗶𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗿 𝗼𝗳 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗳𝗲𝗲𝗹 𝘀𝘆𝗺𝗽𝗮𝘁𝗵𝘆 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗼𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗿. 𝗮𝗳𝘁𝗲𝗿 𝗮𝗹𝗹, 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗿𝗲 𝗮𝗿𝗲 𝗼𝗻𝗹𝘆 𝟯 𝗿𝘂𝗹𝗲𝘀 𝗶𝗻 𝘀𝘁𝗿𝗲𝗲𝘁 𝘄𝗼𝗺𝗮𝗻 𝗳𝗶𝗴𝗵𝘁𝗲𝗿: 𝗻𝗼 𝗹𝗶𝗺𝗶𝘁, 𝗻𝗼 𝗿𝗲𝘀𝗽𝗲𝗰𝘁, 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗻𝗼 𝗺𝗲𝗿𝗰𝘆.

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✧ 𝗧𝗔𝗚𝗟𝗜𝗦𝗧 ✧ ⸺ @10cmpulisic22 @zhivaxo @the2ndl @moonsvrse @arievlaw @awkwardtoafault @mightymyo @1luvkarina @jisooftme @angel-hyuckie @bangtancritterrrr @unforgivenangel @starchasermyloves @deadgirlwalking3 @cosettesrants @faatxma @santasbitch @jaeneohee @jxrdxnh @kaaylvst @jesuschrist2006 @enhapocketz @stinkbvgs @neuftaeng @sinifere @ocyeanicc @svt-rei @l-a-u-r-a--b @yunjinwrld @leo-dragon @phamminji

⸺ ✧ 𝗖𝗟𝗢𝗦𝗘𝗗 ✧ ⸺

[catkin-morgs-kookaburralover]

I was walking back to the station from my placement shift yesterday and it was pretty warm. I hate the arm sleeves I'm wearing while on the ward from a sensory perspective (hate is too strong a word, but you know. It gets pretty old), but since I have visible and not-yet-healed self harm marks on my arms, I'm hardly going to walk into a psych ward showing them, and that's the best option. So of course I shucked the sleeves as soon as I was out of the vicinity of the hospital. Every other day I've put a cardigan back on, because it's been cool enough to wear one. But yesterday I didn't fancy melting, so I decided to risk it; they're almost healed, and I hope I didn't trigger anyone. (Since I'm still hiding the existence of any such scars from my family entirely, I put the cardigan back on just before I walked into my home, but luckily it was late enough it was beginning to cool down so I didn't melt into a puddle merely putting a cardigan on.)

It felt... extremely weird. Like hi. I'm in the train, and if anyone happens to look over, they'll see I'm damaged and messed up. It's no longer something I can hide - hell, I hid the scarring from a suicide attempt in August last year from my brother until a couple of weeks ago, because it was pretty minor and I hid it initially until it faded pretty well. But this more recent stuff is - not major, because so many people have so much worse, but - it will be noticeable. And pretty obvious in characteristic that it's self harm.

I used to be able to hide my issues pretty well. I swear my parents wouldn't have known even now that I self harm unless I'd told them. (I mean, mum would've figured it out that time I left my knife out in the open and she confiscated it, but anyway.)

If I ever get to becoming a midwife, every woman I help will be able to look at me and know I am or were mentally ill. Will that negate anything I can do for them? Have I ruined all the possibilities of helping people in my entire life unless I hide this stuff? Do I now exist only to trigger people?

It's kind of funny doing a placement in a psych ward, knowing that in this ward, patients are not allowed to self harm or they get escalated to a higher care ward. I have to ask every single patient I'm caring for every day if they have any thoughts of self harm or suicide. And nobody asks us, the nurses who are looking after the patients. Are we okay? Who the hell cares? This isn't about us. Nor should it be! But it's amusing, in a way.

I have cared for patients, directly or indirectly, with every single diagnosis, both physical and mental, that I have or have ever had it suggested that I have. In a way it's freeing. I think next time I see my psychiatrist I'm going to ask straight up why I even need any psychological care at this point, because I'm fine. I fully acknowledge I wasn't, for a long, long while, but this placement - it's really showing me both that I was more ill than I knew at the time, and also that apart from enduring difficulties caused by autism that won't resolve, I am now fine.

I experience normal levels of anxiety, with very occasional meltdowns (and I use the word meltdowns generously, because my panic usually doesn't reach the intensity of a meltdown). My mood is excellent. I am content with my life. I no longer meet the criteria for an eating disorder. The physical diagnoses I have are mild enough that I can function without medication or any kind of medical support, really. (I forget to take my asthma medication often enough that I know I can do without it entirely, in all seriousness.)

Yes, I still experience suicidal ideation and self harm urges at times, but those are normal for me and just things I've got to accept. I haven't made a serious suicide plan for ages, and I haven't actually tried to kill myself for more than a year now. I've barely self harmed in the past two months, and only superficially.

All my issues are in the past. I don't need help anymore, not really - and this isn't me in denial, this is cold sober honesty. It's time to move on from the 'getting help' arc, and actually living my life without psychiatric involvement.

Not entirely sure how to convince those around me, though, even though it's unequivocally true. Given that people who know me in real life have only rarely picked up on my moods and problems (unlike y'all, who get a blow-by-blow account of my life like I'm a youtube celebrity livestream), it's understandable that they may be a little hesitant about it all. But really: I'm fine. Promise.

[majorbaby]

you're right about the overwhelming whiteness in mash fandom; somebody made a post about soon-lee (an on-screen woc) not receiving as much content and attention compared to peg and there were people who seemed to a) brush it off, b) actually be bothered by it, or c) equate their experiences??? like ???? and don't even mention how much of the racism toward klinger is brushed off

exactly. i think you explained it well but lemme unpack further:

peg appears on screen twice but never in corporal form next to any of the other characters. and her appearances are marred by the fact that she exists in the narrative only in relation to BJ. as his life-line and a source of his pain. that is not my interpretation of what she should be, it's how she was written. i'm not saying she's not important or that BJ does not love her and I'm not commenting even on the state of their marriage right now, i'm just saying peg as a human person with thoughts, feelings, ambitions is not something that the narrative focuses on. where there is Peg, there is always BJ somewhere - either having a meltdown because he misses his life back home or reminding us that he loves his wife and child.

i never did publish my fridging essay because it was long and it became about dc comics rather than MASH but... the suggestion that the peg character is 'fridged' or otherwise 'ignored' by the fandom is funny to me because, well, the show did it first. if you want something to rally against, why not start with the dudes who actually wrote her as being a phantom limb of BJ's and then i can maybe listen to you make the connection between that and how and why fandom is the way that it is about women characters. provided you expand that argument to at least include margaret because i don't i could be convinced using just peg as an example.

i could go on and on about peg's portrayal as being the real being affront to stereotypes of 50s women on MASH as compared to like, the various nurse ables or even Margaret but that would be touching the s1-3 vs 4-11 mess for the second time today so let's move on.

soon-lee is a strong, though not perfect, departure from that. like. really strong, imo. she's got 2 hours to make an impression on us and she does. she does not exist in association to klinger. she's had a life before klinger and though she expresses her sadness around it, she's willing to give up a life with him if she has to in order to find her family. and that one line in no way does justice to soon-lee's footprint on the show, but that's another post that i will write eventually.

basically, soon-lee is the heavylift for the show wrt women AND race, which isn't exactly fair to her to have to do but i'm still grateful for soon-lee. she seems to be an intentional contribution to the western tv canon of varied representations of racialized women and they did that in 1982. we haven't done much better since then on shows that primarily center white experiences, so that's why i think she's of note.

it does both women a disservice to equate their experiences in the narrative and also their treatment in the fandom - both are uneven. peg has way less agency in the narrative than soon-lee, yet soon-lee is nowhere near as present in fanwork as peg.

why is that? lots of reasons i think: peg being closely associated to BJ and BJ being the most popular character in fandom (next to hawkeye but i'm starting to wonder if he actually eclipses hawkeye) gets peg some points. people feeling out of their depth with what exactly to do with klinger and soon-lee's relationship bc it's pretty well resolved by the end - there are absolutely opportunities for future conflict with them being like, a mixed korean-lebanese couple in post-police-action korea but i admit even for me, someone who might be interested in writing something about that, i'd feel a certain responsibility to do my homework.

then again i've seen (and done) all manner and depth of academic research conducted by fanartists to write slowburn white m/m slash or even m/f fic so i'm not taking the race out of the picture completely. and that's the last, important, uncomfortable difference between peg and soon-lee - peg is white and soon-lee is not. i respect and appreciate the goal of any call to diversify the space (provided it doesn't come with any sort of weird guilt trip, which is a line i try to toe all the time) but we have to be careful that in doing that we're not denying racialized people their experiences. or at least acknowledging that there are different ways to move through the world.

[eliotquillon]

when cameron tells foreman about the time loop, does he immediately go tell house and chase? or does he respect confidentiality?

ok admittedly i have not thought about this because ch 4 starts in a VERY different place from where we left off at the end of chapter 3 lolol like this loop is WELL behind me now. BUT (and i'm spitballing here):

foreman doesn't tell house--he takes one look at that rat cage and the weird stacy song and dance and is like Ok i do not get paid enough to add more fuel to this meltdown fire right now lol. and he doesn't tell chase OUTRIGHT because even foreman isn't as much of a dick to completely air cameron's business to other people when she's clearly distressed and not feeling well. but this is the malpractice hospital where nobody respects confidentiality ever and everyone is perpetually up in each other's business. so i imagine the conversation to go something like this (after cameron has left work):

foreman: hey this morning was really weird and i think there's something seriously wrong with cameron. maybe you should talk to her. actually maybe we should both talk to her

chase, attempting to cover both his and cameron's asses post-methgate and also annoyed that foreman is suddenly acting like he gives a fuck: Erm what makes you think that????

they then have a classic #choreman terse standoff about it where neither of them are willing to give an inch because both of them think they know the situation better than the other does (which is technically true in this loop lol--foreman knows about the loop even if he doesn't believe in it, chase knows about everything else, neither of them are drawing from a full picture) and it ends with them sniping at each other and not really getting anywhere with it. bizarrely sweet in the sense that both of them are coming from places of deep concern for cameron but also utterly fruitless and just pisses them both off lol. both of them privately resolve to confront cameron tomorrow--chase about what she said to foreman (because he's smart enough to realise she must have said Something), foreman because he thinks she needs a psych visit--but obviously this never happens because Time Loop.

cameron remains blissfully unaware of this conversation which is probably for the best. the last thing her paranoid ass needs right now is the knowledge that foreman had (disastrously) tried to tag team chase into confronting her, she'll run out of coworkers to avoid LMAO

[cent-scratchnsniff]

ramblings of a mad man that has attempted day 46 mostly for archival purposes? Sploilers obviously. If you do read though Hiii! Thank you for doing so. I'm having so much fun playing this

Includes: Apologizing to the screen for deaths caused by my ineptitude, tembling hands, pie?, apoc bird for some god damned reason it just kinda happens??, body count at 9, my favorite child (abomination) now with 12 ego gifts total, PALE DAMAGE???, and more

It took 2 hours total because of me being nervous. I love coffee

im scared. ive just been stat and gift grinding day 41-45 for the past few hours of the game. everyone is above 100 fortitude. there is three people per department at the least currently (excluding safety and training). about 5 aleph inside my facility but it honestly isnt that bad. two sets of gear for all due to being done with disciplinary's core suppression which ive done all of them so far actually.

WHY THE HELL DID IT MAKE ME PICK TWO. WHY DID IT MAKE ME PICK TWO (soon found out why it made me pick two.) i got big bird and wall gazer. terrified to re extract so i didnt. was thinking of mem rep after just doing apoc bird for that sweet sweet beautiful gear for my favorite little agent (maxim) but decided that i should at least try the day in its enirety.

WHY IS THE DEPARTMENT SO GOD DAMN MASSIVEM FICK. WHY IS THERE 8 SLOTS!!! I DIDNT KNOW THIS!!!! I didnt get any spoilers for mechanics day 45 and onward PLEASE KEEP IT LIKE THAT. SHHH. im honestly so so SO excited. I love feeling challenged. i love feeling the despair that comes up from knowing that it isnt just simply repetition anymore to where it loops back to insane laughter and a blooming joy i havent felt in my body for ages.

... i did not account for the fact architecture team would need agents when training though

Maxim (beloved) and Mary (got the 2% gift from nothing there?? when did that happen. go off girl boss) got moved down to there. I LOVE LOB POINTS!!! RAUGHHHH

twas at this moment i realized the meltdowns were going to be facility wide again. oh god. oh YES!!!

CHRIST THE DEPARTMENT IS MASSIVE WHAT THE HELLLLL it did not go where i thought it would the hallways are so LONG and it was at this moment i also realized big bird was a clerk lover as well. yes. put big bird in the department with the LONGEST HALLWAYS KNOWN TO MAN!!!! Goodness Gracious. Doing typical works, hoping for gifts but at this point everyone is level V (except for melendez his fotitude is V though hes just on train duty (i had the fuck ass train in central since day 27)) and EX on fotitude and most other stats. the newer hires had been positioned in record and Extraction for a bit. record is just alephs. and one teth tool. Blue star, nothing there, the silent orchestra. ow. extraction is actually rather chill? the one painting tool, CENSORED (okay not chill i just dont touch it because its a pain to wait for sanity to get back up and i already got the weapon), little red, and king of greed.

white dawn with dawn WHITE DAWN!!!

WHY THE FUCK IS THERE FIXERS IN MY GOD DAMN FACILITY!!! WHO SENT MERCS ON MY ASS!!!!!

lmao nvmd aint shit

IT CAUSED THE WHOLE DEPARTMENT TO HAVE A MELTDOWN!!!!

bella. bella lobe of my life. please. please get a normal with the pink lamma. PLEASE GET A NORMAL WITH THE LAMMA. BELLA!!!!! BELLLAAA!!!!!!!!

im cooked its getting iut isnt it

YEAHHHHH BELLA SWEEP WE ARE ALL FINE

Was worried about the mirror of readjustment (?) melting down and if there was a new mechanic about it and if i NEEDED to resolve meltdowns like in binah's but nope. its fine. tools arent a problem still.

WHY IS ALL AROUND HELPER OUT? WHAT?? its nota. big problem oj its own BUT HOW!!!! ITS IN SAFETY TEAM ORDEAL SPAWNED INSIDE DISCIPLINARY!?!? almost forgot this was categorized as a core suppression so sephirah communication is down. hold on. looking at logs

??? ??? okay it looks like it was just always normal work. guys. you have attatchment over 100 or 100. why are tou getting NORMAL on ALL AROUND HELPER for REPRESSION WORK. im disappointed. not mad but just a bit disappointed. mods(agents). ban it

thinking about it. if dawn is WAW already . whats going to happen next. what level is going to happen when noons activates

just doin typical works rn. nothing special. gotta get to noon

?!?!?!??! WHO KEEPS SENDING FIXERS INTO THE COMPANY TO KILL ME. but also WAW its okay. ..... What do you mean its immune to white damage. most of central control 1 is WHITE DAMAGE DEALERS

WHY IS THER E TWO OF THEM!!!!! WHY IS THE OTHER ONE RED!!!!

HILT SHIT WHAT. OH MY GOD WHATHF holy shit . uhm. mosb is going to breach. uhhh dubbed mosb bully pair go juggle it for a bit

shit how did they die. im sorry. whatm fffffff ukckk. WHY IS VERA DEAD. oh when the white fixer goes down to pray it. does. red damage.... (my ass thought it was only white) fuckin religious ass.

WHY ARE YOU AIMING UP!! oh okay just go ahead and do a circle. uh huh. mhm. yupm just a god damn circle.

WHAT THE HELL!!! WHAT

okay MY bad it was a PIE.

shittttttt theyre dead. ahh im so sorry my ineptitude caused you all to die... .. .

. . . . Erm. okay. uhm. mosb and little red are out. AND BIG BIRD JUST NOTICED RIGHT AFTER!! christ.

mosb suppressioned. easy as FUCK dude it isnt shit. little red was also done, sent maxim over to help (has mimicry gear so red damage wasnt a problem).

errmmmmmmm game plan. kill all clerks at the start of the day via execution. i feel bad but they will die regardless so its better to get it out of the way

... oh dear.

Big bird is still out. i need to check on train and even tools like train count towards punishing bird's qliphoth going down. I KNOW I MENTIONED TO PEOPLE BEFORE THAT APOC BIRD WOULD BE GREAT. BUT NOT RIGHT NOW!!!! WE HAVE A SITUATION!!!!!

you knowbehay. days fucked anyways. here birdy birdy

ITS STARTING oh god.

didnt type for this but judgement bird egg was dealt with. it spawned in Disciplinary while punishing bird egg is inside extraction and big bird's is inside information. i moved at least one employee per hallway (save for the few like control team only having ppodae or how ever you spell it to escape or info only having fire bird to escape.) going to small bird egg since its closer

.... fuuckkkk burrowing heaven is out i got anxious about everything else i forgot. melendez im sorry . agh i need to send someone else into that hallway. no problems when it comes to meltdowns also happening but i need someone there for train specifically since out resident babysitter is deceased

RED IS ALSO OUT. BTWM AHAHAHAHAH!!! AH. A. RED IS IN EXTRACTION. AHAH. i sent maxim and Courtney (red damage dealers that cant help with the egg) over there to try and help the agent being targeted which was positioned in the hallway. i think they might die (agent targeted) but i donthave any bullets left. im sorry ahh

THEY LIVED!!! THEY LIVED!!!! OH GOOD JOB!!!! SPLENDED WORK . second problem censored had. meltdown twice in a row but the sanity wasnt healed enough to i needed to send someone else it during that scuffle

second egg down!!! no casualties on that part so far (besides burrowing heaven which also got suppressed while the rest were working on the scuffle. im not counting burrowing heaven . . .) possessed are a bit of a problem but other than that everything was covered so far and nothing else got out. yeahhhh!!! nice work so far (i say as im talking to the screen of video game pawns)

APOC BIRD DOWN!! yeah that honestly wasnt bad at all tbh. its just violet midnight but some mechanics moved around so it wasnt hard. just a lot to manage. okay it guess thay counts as 'hard' i think im looking for the word 'overwhelming'? which it hadnt been. .... okay it isnt violent midnight at that point BUT the concept of seperate stationary entities that need to be suppressed while having to dance around aspects that you cant directly attack that does damage still stands. neither are too miserable. i actually like violet midnight over amber midnight. WHEN IT ISMT HOKMA'S SUPPRESSION AND I HAVE PAUSE!!!!

forgot vincent died. sorry vincent. ermm okay hoon go up there for me please

my favorite child. my lovely abomination. i shall have to draw you later. but for now back on track I STILL HAVE WHITE DUSK AND MIDNIGHT TO DO!!!!

well good news all the clerks are dead so we dont need to have a mosb (mountain of smiling bodies), big bird, or black swam problem. bad news. uhm. everything else that happened so far. i dont think ive had an agent casualty rate this high since my first midnight. and i had done mem rep after to bring them back. suprisingly binah wasnt that bad (final successful try at least I HAD MULTIPLE WIPES BEFORE I ACRUALLY WENT IN WITH A PLAN UNDERSTANDING ALL MECHANICS) . we arent even done yet. sighhh (only five are dead so far im scared. im not even done yet. thats screwed up.)

i might continue if it goes well. +7 stats to EVERYONE is super good. greed...

i got reloads on bullets. cleeerrrkkksss pspspsp. thank you for surviving this long but you shall need to die for the good of the group. uhm. why is there more than three. WHY ARE YOU STILL ALIVE. THERES ANOTHER ONE??? WHATVTHEBFHEPL

fusk. dusk. good lord. i hope. i HOPE dusk is still a WAW. if its aleph i will scream in teror and then laugh maniacally in joy. probably not sane at that point but AW HELL YEAH!!?!?! okay it started. WHATBTHEBFUCK WHY ISBTHERE FOUR. four total. four. PALE DAMAGE? why are you PALE.

okay sorry locked in for that its over. four dead the panicked were recovered. big and will be bad wolf got out somehow? i think the black fixer ends up messing with the qliphoth in the hall when still alive as it also sets qliphoth meltdowns after death. so qliphoth mechanics wouldnt be too far off. i sent little red after him though so i just maneuvered the rest of my agents around that fight. happened while still supressing the other four. courtney tanked red fixer. even if she didnt do damage she still took the brunt of the attacks with mimicry so thank you courtney that was very helpful. PALE FIXER CAN JUST FUCKIN TELEPORT PKAY??? went over with white fixer when the ganf was beating the shit of of them. not good. they lived though! the only casualties at thay point was my carelessness with black fixer for one(?) and the rest came from pale fixer. sorry.... 3 dead total then. why is everything i have white damage btw. really bad. really really bad i need to fix that.

refill of bullets for midnight thank you. couldnt find it at first but the odreal (CLAW??? CLAW?????!?!?) is in central command department 2 on the top most floor. grouped everyone up before hand and then sent them in. WHY IS HE RESISTANT TO EVERYTHING. WHY. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DONT BE ANOTHER BINAH I KNOW YOURE BOTH RELATED TO THE HEADBBIT PLEASEE!!!! DONT HAVE A SEXOND PHASE FOR AN ORDEAL THAT WOULD BE SCREWED UP!!!!?!?!

WHY IS THERE MARKERS ON MY EMPLOYEES

nvmd that was. so fucking easy? literally got stun locked after the gang just dog piled him. less than a minute. about 30 seconds on 2x speed. BUT ITS OVER!!!!!!

surprisingly good rating score. body count is at 9 but everyone did a good job. now for the story

AHGHHGEGBGKGIJMENGJGOHORJG

wow. okay. erm. glad i did the core suppressions HAHA ohhh god. that got me teary for a bit for some reason. god i love lob corp so so much

[karrenseely]

Lost

I am feeling lost lately. I'm not having the soul crushing depression anymore. But the gnawing pain is still there. I still find myself crying nearly every day feeling like I'm stuck in those past events. Yesterday I was in full meltdown because a story I was reading triggered me up one side and down the other. I was reading a story of a character who ended up coming out to her parents inadvertently. It mirrored what happened to me in so many ways, and for three hours I cried begging the author not to do what was done to me to that little girl in the story. Granted, unless I have a heretofore unknown telepathy, the author wouldn't have heard me. I finally turned the page because I had to know. I had to know if it got better. The author chose to jump ahead 6 years at that point. And no. No it absolutely didn't get better for that little girl. It got worse. So much worse. And I knew to the bottom of my soul what she'd been feeling and experiencing in those intervening six years. And I knew without doubt, that even though this was a fictional story, it was happening over and over again to lots of little boys and girls and siblings throughout the world and it crushed me as I cried my eyes out for the rest of the night until I fell asleep.

It still hurts to think about. I absolutely don't want anyone to ever go through what I did. No one. It's absolutely horrible, and it's a wonder any of us survive. Yet somehow some of us do. not all of us, maybe nearly 50% or more of us don't survive. There's a reason for it. Research has shown if we're loved, accepted, supported and receive the medical treatment we need that our Depression and Suicidal Ideation go down considerably, I don't think those thoughts and feelings resolve to normal. Being trans is hard, even if your family actually does love, accept, and support you. But it does go down, a lot. Trying to survive this in an abusive family is incredibly difficult. I wonder if it's even possible, given how much difficulty I'm having healing from it. And yet, people every day happily consign trans children to the same hell I went through growing up, across the U.S., across the world. They don't care what they put these kids through so long as they can control them and abuse them to conform to their narrow worldview, even if it kills them. I know. My mother told me, and I quote, "I'd rather you were dead than be [trans]" She said gay, but in her mind gay and trans are the same thing. And you see how that abuse has affected me from my previous posts.

It is crushing to realize that in the last 3 years things have been steadily getting worse for trans kids, not better. Worse. All for some party's greedy grab for power. One of the few things that kept me going was knowing that more and more kids lives were getting better. That every year, fewer and fewer kids were having to go through what I went through. But that stopped in the last few years. People greedy for power put my community's children in the cross hairs and are building their power base on traumatized children and the bodies of dead kids. And the public is eating it up. The federal government is doing squat to help these kids. Not unlike the AIDs epidemic in the 80s, 90s, and 2000s.

Because of what I'm not sure aside from bigotry and apathy over dead children. It shouldn't surprise me. The same occurred with SandyHook and every other school shooting in this country. Children are just fodder for people in power to use however they want.

I'm terrified. I'm terrified that me, my chosen family are going to have to flee our country. You know, the one, that many, many people end up fleeing to before now because things are so bad in their previous country.

But then there's more evidence of how horrible, how inhuman citizens of the U.S. can be. I remember vividly citizens from my country protesting, verbally abusing, and assaulting a bus full of children trying to escape the horrible situation in their previous country. They vilified these children for no other reason than because many of them were brown. Not one of them stopped to think what it would take to force them to send their children alone thousands of miles through multiple countries some of which also were just as dangerous just to get here on the chance that they'd survive and finally be safe assuming those kids had any parents or families to send them. None of them stopped to consider how bad things would have to be for that to be a realistic option for them to consider for their children. It was the most disgusting thing I've seen my fellow citizens do. And I've seen a lot of disgusting things. I believe they were deported to boot, though I'm not sure. All of this because they were brown.

Later our government deliberately traumatized children at the border separating children from their families in scenes reminiscent of the holocaust. And of course there's all those times government officials murdered children at the border without any consequences. Because they were brown. So what's separating children from families to this government? What's torturing and killing queer kids to this government? What's conducting lethal experiments on people of color to this government? What's genocide to this government?

So yes. I'm feeling lost. I'm feeling hopeless. I'm watching the world get worse and there is jack shit I can do to stop it. There's so few of us, and so few are standing up for us in positions of power, in the voting booths. Everyone is apathetic to someone else's dead kid until it's their own dead kid. This is the society that we've created for our selves and it is rotting from the inside out.

I can't stomach another 100 years of torture for my community before they start getting their rights back, which is what happened to the African American community after reconstruction when the people in power were cowards and gave in to the terrorists.

I don't want to wait more than 500 years and counting for the government to acknowledge the genocide it continues to perform against us like the indigenous nations and my ancestors and I.

I don't have the stomach for it.

And I don't know what to do anymore. Not with this on top of all the trauma from my own childhood that is dominating so much of my life right now, nor the historical trauma from the genocide mentioned above. Not when I'm being forced to relive what I went through day after day as other children are put through what I went through. Watching people laugh and cry "victory!" while torturing these children. So I wake up everyday and wonder why I'm still here, why I'm bothering with this world.

And so far the only two things that come to me is I don't want to hurt my kids, and I don't want to end up in the hospital again. That's it. Those are the two things that keep me here right now. I don't have any hope left that things will get better. I've seen what happens to other minorities targeted this way. It's not pretty, it's not resolved quickly and their are far more dead bodies than we can ever conceive before it even starts to get turned around.

I am lost.

<Edited for spelling, grammar, and clarification>

[cesium-sheep]

we went to look at lights and I thought it was fine (there was a fun house with a little santa lantern on a guideline flying around?) then when we got home she asked to talk to me in private for a minute and she expressed her frustration at being put in the middle of a situation she didn't fully understand (she volunteered) and also her hurt that we had never spent christmas with her family (she apparently asked one time at the very beginning of our relationship and I was too sick to go and she never mentioned it again) which was unintentionally expressed really fucking hurtfully much like when she used to come home drunk and upset about something I did years ago and didn't even remember and had never once been mentioned before so I had a meltdown on the floor for a while because it feels like everyone is fucking pissed at me for I guess??? being ill and not convenient about it??? like I sure hope that's not what they mean but it's what they're saying, and I just wanted a nice fucking christmas after all the shit that's happened in the past couple years but now I don't fucking get that anymore.

she came in to check on me after a bit and I explained why what she said was hurtful to me and I really don't know how to balance giving her space to be frustrated and hurt but also not pretending I'm not also really deeply fucking hurt and she was being so patient and kind when she came back and she took the time to acknowledge the parallels and talk through what she actually meant (she didn't realize herself until now that she was hurt by it and she's the one that never asked again so of course it's not my fault even though it was presented pretty accusatorially the first time) but it's just so much fucking straw and they're going to go off and have a good time without me tomorrow because of course they're still going to go to his parent's house I never once asked that they didn't and I'm just going to be here. dying and alone. and there's no time or space to get it actually resolved satisfactorily and they'll probably still be mad at me for not sending myself to the hospital just to be agreeable when they get home. because they don't fucking understand that I try so. goddamn. hard. to suck it up and be agreeable. to make my accommodations as simple as humanly possible. to smile and wave them off when I can't accompany them so they don't feel limited by me. to grin and bear it when they insist oh it won't be that bad and drag me along anyway. but I am dying. I am not joking. I can physically feel myself dying. and it really feels based on today like they're just going to get fed up with that.

I was looking forward to christmas so much. but it feels like it's ruined and it's apparently my own fault. but hey, I've always been easy to blame.

[elsecrytt]

Did you catch how depending on if you chose to sleep with Asmo/Levi/Your Own Room in 70-4, you did not or did have the option to spend the night with Satan/Lucifer/Your Room in 70-19.

I, too, am furious with the game regurgitating the same pseudo-character development for Satan. I am also furious with the options offered to MC in handling volatile personalities. So many of the choices offered to MC go in direct opposition to evidence based practices proven to work in de-escalation. I hated responding in a way that I know cannot change the situation.

Negativity regarding Lesson 70; it's under a cut so anyone scrolling past or avoiding spoilers doesn't have to see.

bro the fucking option to say "let's go eat!" or "we're done talking" when satan is so obviously in the throes of a personal meltdown just fucking HAD ME,,,

literally in season 1, before we had a pact with satan, hell, before we'd even really spoken to him, we see satan and luci get into a fight and we immediately follow satan. we literally barely knew the guy at that point.

but in season 4, after possibly sleeping with him (season 2) and knowing him for years, seeing him with the boogeyman in season 3, we hear he's fought with lucifer, left THE DEVILDOM, and we literally do NOTHING for two weeks?

this is a constant problem for season 4. i didn't mind it so much in earlier, sillier episodes, but satan is having some serious issues here, and MC is so fucking distant and impersonal that it really bothers me, to the point that i'm avoiding positivity about lesson 70 because it simply is not vibing with how i'm experiencing the game rn.

like bro in season 1 we were LITERALLY telling satan he didn't have to like lucifer, he didn't have to pretend to, either, we were validating his feelings and frustrations and we seriously helped talk him through it.

we constantly did this for the characters. it wasn't real therapy by any means but it was genuinely positive emotional support. some of it was really insightful! some of it was just plain kindness! and now lesson 70 lets us just?? do this?

satan literally doesn't want to speak to lucifer, lucifer doesn't want to speak to satan, but because the plot says this arc needs to be wrapped up this scene please, we summon lucifer who spits some WILDLY GENERIC AND INSINCERE FEELING PLATITUTDES and satan is instantly "better".

like. "i need you". literally, why does satan believe lucifer when he says this? what does lucifer say? does he go "i can't handle your student council duties in addition to mine; i'd known you had a lot to do recently and i thought i was being helpful when i completed your task for you"? does he say "our family isn't complete without you"? does he say "i missed you when you were gone"?

NO! Lucifer literally just rattles off a couple lines about how Satan is capable and talented, and Satan immediately stops being angry. Like, seriously, if this was all it took, then why didn't it happen in the first place?

It's not because Satan's cooled off - he's literally just attacked Lucifer. It's not because it's Satan's "shadow persona" - that was poorly explained crap AT BEST, and completely meaningless on a realistic level. Satan might as well have just been ignoring us.

I just. I could think of so many better ways that confrontation could have gone. I can't even BEGIN to think of all the ways MC could have like... actually helped, instead of "helped" like Satan and Lucifer claim you do, afterwards. You basically just stuck Lucifer in front of Satan. It feels so, so empty to me.

I'm very tempted actually to re-write lesson 70 myself because I feel like this plotline could have gone somewhere. I totally feel you and am like, super DUPER frustrated with a lot of the "character development doesn't happen instantly/overnight!" people are repeating, because like.

Of course it doesn't happen overnight, so maybe the story can stop fucking acting like it does? Every time a satan/lucifer conflict is resolved they act like everything is fine and good and perfect and now satan has overcome his insecurity together, and it's all because of you, MC~ and it just feels utterly devoid of meaning.

It's not that it was bad or weird for Satan to be upset about this! I think this was a perfectly reasonable argument for these two characters, being who they are, to have. Lucifer's a bit arrogant and would say something thoughtless like that. Satan's sensitive and would fly off the handle. It's really not a bad setup.

But I can't fucking deal with the absolute indifference to it all. MC hearing Satan out and then just? Saying nothing? Walking away when he's clearly having a breakdown? Deciding to do some weird, ultimately useless curse crap instead of just. TALKING TO HIM?

And then Lucifer doesn't even apologize? He just compliments Satan. Calls him valuable and skilled. And Satan is immediately soothed? Like? How is this supposed to be in character for him? He gets angry all the the time?

Literally, I would have found it so much more in character if Satan had just gone, "That's a lie! If you really think I'm so talented, why didn't you leave that task for me to do myself?"

And then Lucifer... you know. Fucking explained himself. So that it didn't feel like some cheap condolence. They could have had a honest conversation about their feelings. Even just a little bit.

As it stands it simply didn't feel like we were seeing the characters that had been built up in the older seasons. Obey Me! has always struggled to have deep writing, and I give it a pass on a lot of conversations that haven't taken place, or should have been more serious (hellooo lesson 16), but this just felt like a huge let down because they used to take Satan's issues seriously, and that arc felt about as deep as a kiddie pool.

[fluffyferalkacchan]

Kacchan & Deku: Win to Save and Save to Win - A circular path of parallels (part 1)

Okay so it had probably already been talked to death by now, but i'd like to write a detailed list of how Midoriya and Bakugou's respective paths are and had always been paralleled since the beginning. And it's not just with the whole "save to win and win to save" thing, which is the most obvious textual part of it, but there are a lot of more subtle hints along the way too. I mean in nearly every single arcs, for each of Midoriya development, Bakugou had one too (albeit in a completely opposite direction).

This post is also partly in response to some anime-only fans who complained about Bakugou's development in the Joint Training Arc coming from the left field... Which actually isn't? Like Kirishima said it had never been as obvious before but there were definite hints about it and I'll try to show them as thoroughly as possible in this post.

Warning ! This post will be quite long and will contain Manga Spoilers up to chapter 317 in part 3!

¤ From the Pre-UA era To Deku vs Kacchan: their starting lines

(more under the cut)

When I said that the parallel started early, I really meant early. In fact, it started as early as the very first panel they were in.

I think it is very telling that the first time we saw them, Midoriya is trying to defend another kid, while Bakugou is seen using his quirk (and actually introducing the reader/viewer to the whole concept of quirk in the first place). It tells us right here, right then on the very first second, that Midoriya Izuku is physically weak but a savior at heart and Bakugou Katsuki has a strong quirk but is a bully asserting his dominance.

This of course led to diametrical beliefs on what a hero is and should be and we've got those two very iconic moments to illustrate:

And of course it reflected into their behaviors, even as kids.

What I find really interesting in the way those flashbacks were presented is that Midoriya's saving moment was told through Bakugou's POV, while Bakugou's winning side was seen through Midoriya's eyes.

Those moments were deemed important because they deeply impacted the witnessing party and not actually the "wining/saving" one.

(I think someone commented once that while the river scene was highly pivotal for Bakugou, Midoriya probably doesn't even remember it. And likewise Bakugou probably doesn't remember fighting and winning against some random older kids, but Midoriya definitively does. And I totally agree!)

At those moment both Bakugou and Midoriya saw in the other something that they were clearly lacking and their reactions to this realization were wildly different as well.

"He doesn't take himself into account, you know. Something doesn't feel right. It makes me wanna keep him at arm's length. Back then, I ignored my own weakness, so I ended up bullying him" - Bakugou Katsuki

"You who had so many things I didn't have... To me, you were an amazing person much closer than All Might! That's why I keep chasing after you!!" - Midoriya Izuku

Midoriya saw this amazing kid kicking ass with his strong quirks and his first reaction was admiration and wanting to get as close as possible to this person, because he was all too aware of his own weakness and shortcoming.

Bakugou saw this selfless kid trying to help him and displaying qualities that he didn't have and his first reaction was to lash out and push that kid as far away as possible because he didn't want to recognize his own weaknesses and shortcomings.

Which, you know, probably describes their entire childhood dynamics haha...

... and then the sludge villain happened.

And it brought with it the iconic "My legs moved on their own" and "Your eyes were begging for help" moments which we all know about of course, but this scene also had another more immediate parallel that I'd like to talk about.

Bakugou tried to fight the sludge villain on his own but ultimately failed to win.

Midoriya tried to rescue Bakugou on his own from the sludge villain but ultimately failed to save him.

The sludge villain was a reality check for both of them, in a "Nope kiddos, you might aspire to be heroes, but you still have a very long way to go. Here let's insert an All Might to show you just how far away your goal is," kind of way?

Anyway fast-forward 10 months of intense training to prepare for the UA entrance exam.... and really do I even have to mention this?

I mean the only way it could have been even more textually obvious is if Midoriya had been ranked sixth instead of seventh so that his name would be right next to Bakugou's... like there's even this panel explicitly pointing everything out.

So yeah... nothing to add there, *shrugs*

After that came the Quirk Assessment Test:

I'm going to come back to this later on in a more detailed way, but regarding their personal development; Midoriya's development is external while Bakugou's is internal. And I don't quite consider the quirk assessment test as "progress" for any of them yet because both of them sort of completely miss the point.

Aizawa told Midoriya "How can you save anyone if you can't move after one hit?" which had the underlying message of "It's not okay to hurt yourself"... But Midoriya totally went like, "Okay then I'll just hurt myself in a way in which I can still move afterward!" So yeah he is just sidestepping the problem here, but well there probably wasn't anything else he could do here.

As for Bakugou, he had always feel threatened by Midoriya's presence, but not in a fighting skills context. They are not really competing on the same field and it had never occurred to Bakugou that Midoriya could really beat him in a one-to-one fight.

As hilarious as the thought of Bakugou truly believing that somehow Deku had managed to take head on building-high robots quirkless is, I think what really happened is... Bakugou saw his own 0 rescue points and thought "Oh... so that's how Deku got in. Damn nerd probably went and save shitty extras left and right!". Which is a more realistic feat to manage quirkless. Anyway my point is, Bakugou realizing Midoriya isn't quirkless should have been a "Shit! He's leveling the field and standing on my playground now!" moment...

But no, what overpowered him here is the thought that the whole time Midoriya had been hiding his quirk from him and went like "What? Am I not good enough for you to use your quirk on me?! STOP LOOKING DOWN ON ME!!! EXPLAIN YOURSELF RIGHT THE FUCK NOW, SHITTY DEKU!!"

So yeah... kind of missing the point too.

Which is why the quirk assessment test wasn't really their starting point but more like them trying to look for it but missing it?

Speaking of starting lines... Let's move on to the Deku vs. Kacchan first round.

B"From watching the match, it appears Bakugou acted n to surpass Bakugou, All Might pointed that those were the first passionate emotions Midoriya had shown other than "I want to be a hero!". This was the very first moment where Midoriya's desire to win was stronger than his desire to save.

As for Bakugou, this was the moment where he truly he realized that Deku is a threat and not just through his natural heroic/saving disposition like before but on the battlefield which used to be 100% Bakugou's area of expertise. And if even with his non-existent control of quirk Deku had managed to win to such extent, what would happen when Deku managed to truly master his own quirk? Total defeat?! Bakugou is self-aware enough to realize that while his own fighting skills and quirk mastery could still progress, they were already near the top with a not wide enough margin for improvement.

This was the moment where Bakugou realized where he truly stood compared to everyone else around him and that if he wanted to reach the very top again, then only relying on his fighting skills and his quirk control would never be enough. This is what prompted out his feelings of "I have to change or I'll be left in the dust".

And since Deku went and encroached on Bakugou's playground and beat him in the process, there's no way in hell Mr Complete and Irrefutable Win over there wouldn't aim to do exactly the same at some point.

Anyway the two gifs above showed us their motivation to reach their respective Win/Save side of the spectrum, but they both have big issues they need to work on in order to do so.

"From watching the match, it appears Bakugou-san acted on his own because of an obviously personal grudge. As as All Might-sensei said previously, it is foolish to launch a large-scale attack indoors.

In the same way, taking into consideration the damage he received, Midoriya-san's plan was also rash." - Yaoyorozu Momo

Yaoyorozu's analysis was super spot on and hit straight where their weaknesses lie: Bakugou needs to stop acting on his own and learn to cooperate with/trust his teammates and Midoriya needs to stop hurting himself/self-sacrifice and learn to properly control his quirk.

Both of them also have these super heavy shackles that keep pulling them down and impeding their progress at every turn:

Bakugou's complex feelings and emotionally explosive baggage towards Midoriya that makes him go feral and irrational at the drop of a hat and clearly prevents him from properly considering Midoriya as the rival that would keep pulling him up

Midoriya's total and utter idolization of All Might that gives him a tendency to imitate his idol and clearly prevents him from properly realizing and unlocking the potential of his own quirk

And at that point, they clearly don't realize how cumbersome those shackles could be if left unaddressed too long.

Anyway... this episode/chapter was called "Bakugou Katsuki: Starting line", but I think it can be considered both their starting lines, because this is when they were made aware of what they are lacking and showed their resolve to change.

Midoriya's progress and development is intrinsically linked to his quirk mastery and fighting style, which are inherently physical skills (which is where Bakugou's excels in). It stands to reason then that his progress would therefore be very flashy, hard to miss, and highly praised due to the external aspect of his development.

On the other hand Bakugou's progress and development hinges on him properly getting in touch with his emotions and connecting to other people in healthy way, which are inherently inner-strength qualities (which Midoriya has no shortage of) . It stands to reason then that his progress would therefore be very subtle, mostly unnoticed, and hardly taken into account due to the internal aspect of his development. (Like it'd probably only takes him having a full meltdown or throwing himself in front of someone else for other people to notice how far he had gone!)

[pacificwanderer]

Hello. I just want to say that I'm eager for you to talk about the theory that maybe Ben also lost his connection with the Force after the events of TLJ. :)

Hey! Me too! I’m going to combine this with another ask that I’m putting below the cut because it gets long and ranty lol, but similar theme.

I saw a meltdown from someone who is now saying that "If Rey is weak and can't control the force properly without Kylo, SW and Disney is anti-feminist" and also said "This is probably a vendetta to keep Kylo alive because without him she would be useless. What is the point of making a force-user character like this? She is worthless. She has to rely on a man to gain excess to her power! I bet she'll have to ask permission like a obedient wife." What the actual F? This is not how the force works!

OKAY lol, so here’s the deal. Rant incoming, and not directed at you, Nonnie. Just general tone of rantiness:

Some people are just going to have to come to terms with the fact that Ben and Rey are are their strongest when they work together. Because, guess what? Kylo is having a hard time dealing with this shit too and, as we get more information during the lead up to the movies, I bet you he’s been having a hard time controlling his Force powers as well. As someone pointed out (maybe the following thread? i can’t find the damn comment), Kylo only fixes Hux’s collar after reaching towards him with what looks like a typical, Kylo going to Force choke you power, only for him to reach out and fix his collar instead. Yeah, of course it’s ship bait, but I also think that it’s more than that. I think he’s having the same struggles connecting with the Force as Rey.

The Force is fucking PISSED at these two. Here it brought them together, showed them how great they are as a team and how well they can protect/work together, and then they fucked it all up (because we’re at the midpoint in a three movie series and they had to). SO YEAH. If it’s not working for one, it’s not working for the other. Once they realize that they need to work together, like the Force has been showing them since TFA (hell, it even kept Rey and Kylo separated with the literal planet splitting between them so they couldn’t fight anymore), they will be unstoppable. They are literally each other’s equal in the Force.

“Darkness rises and Light to meet it.” WE KNOW THIS. The movie shows us this!

She’s conflicted and having a hard time centering her thoughts because she’s thinking about Ben and the burdens that are on her shoulders. She’s a GD symbol and that’s got to be hard to deal with without having a thing for the literal Supreme Leader of the galaxy. If she didn’t care about him (and if they didn’t have a fucking Force bond), this wouldn’t be an issue. But it is an issue because she cares about him. A lot! He disappointed her, and she disappointed him (not getting into the who’s right in that scenario because it’s irrelevant. Fact of the matter is, they both feel betrayed). Also, is she keeping that a secret? Who knows that she went to the Supremacy to save him? Aside from maybe Leia? Because that’s a pretty big fucking secret to have on your shoulders too.

She doesn’t need to ask his permission, she needs to understand that the conflict within her is coming as a result of her feelings for him and her own inabilty to reconcilate and accept her own dark side. Just like he needs to come to terms with and accept the light side in him. I really think that we’re going beyond good and evil with this. Might not be gray jedi (I know Pablo hates that term lol), but something new, something that is purely Force. OH and you know who agrees with me?

Luke fucking Skywalker:

“Using the Force is all about finding balance. And some Force users, particularly Force-sensitive children--known by the Jedi as younglings--are able to tap into its energy without an obvious alignment to either side. The Force simply flows through them in its purest form. Based on the constant struggles I’ve witnessed between the light and the dark sides of the Force, perhaps their innate neutrality can teach us all a valuable lesson.”

This is a Force issue, it’s a relationship issue, and it’s something they’re going to have to work through if they’re ever going to be able to resolve what’s between them. And think about it, when I’m upset with someone I care about, it impacts my ability to be able to do my work, absolutely it does.

Does that make it sexist? Fucking no. It means I care for them and I need to figure out how to solve the problem! I either need to talk to them and sort my shit out, or take a deep breath and find my center. Just like they need to find their center in the Force, but you know what helps? Having a friend or someone who understands there with you to help along the way. To help you understand the experiences you might have otherwise not understood.

The Force is there, it’s always there, and Rey’s had a hard time balancing herself for a while (remember the whole meditation thing with Luke). She needs help. She herself has said she needs help. There’s a power that inside her that she doesn’t understand and she needs to learn how to wield it. And guess who’s been set up to be her teacher (in one way or another) since TFA? Kylo fucking Ren. She goes to dark the same way he can’t keep himself from being attracted by the light.

THEY BALANCE EACH OTHER. And it’s okay! Her powers aren’t being taken from her, but her ability to access them is hampered by her own emotional state. Once she finds her center, her ability to use the Force properly will be just fine (because I think people forget that it takes a lot of mental control to be able to use the Force properly--hell, even Luke struggles with it on Hoth! Remember who helps him there? Obi-Wan’s Force ghost! Guess that’s sexist????).

Hell, I think she’s finding her center in the trailer when she backflips over Kylo’s TIE.

So much discourse comes from people’s headcanons not being validated and I certainly know that some of mine won’t be, but a lot of this angst is because people have been willfully ignoring what the story has been telling them all along.

Heteronormative? Sure, you could make a case for that, and this series as a whole needs to do better wrt representation across the board. Not feminist? How is saying that the only way a woman can be strong is if she only ever relies on herself any more feminist? I’m tired of this fucking narrative where women heroes aren’t allowed to have the same flaws, fuckups, weaknesses, you know, just generally be an interesting character, like their male counterparts. It’s bullshit. Women are multifaceted. They’re allowed to have flaws. They’re allowed to ask for help. They’re allowed to need other people. This shit carries over into IRL and I fucking hate it. Women do not have to be perfect. Not in life and certainly not in fucking fiction. YOU CAN BE A GREAT HERO AND STILL HAVE FLAWS. You can be a hero and not go it alone. You can be a hero and still fail.

The only reason some people have a problem with this is because they don’t like the character that’s clearly causing her conflict right now (but he’s not the only reason she’s feeling conflict!!!!). This all comes down to their fucking hate for Kylo Ren because if she was reliant on the character they shipped her with, there wouldn’t be a gd peep right now.

Anyways, I typed this all out, debated not posting it, but I’m gonna because it took a while.

People are going to believe what they want, I’m not going to change any opinions, but they have to take a moment to ask themselves why they are willing to invest so much time in energy in a series that apparently doing everything they hate all the time? Seems like a big waste of time to me.

Cheers!

[appropriate-writers-name]

Saw this and thought of you but no fr tho I’m proud of you for going to therapy and working on yourself and your mental health. It’s not easy, but you’re doing amazing, keep it up lovely 💛✨

https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMeKGuR6D/

🤧🤧🤧🤧🤧

If you know I go to therapy then you KNOW I AM TOO EMOTIONAL FOR THESE KINDS OF ASKS 😭😭😭😭😭

Also, yes that tiktok is literally me 🤣🤣🤣 I have therapy every Saturday, and between those Saturdays I go through an all out war in my mind over the SMALLEST inconvenience. Like full on crisis, world is ending, meltdown, manic episode, dramatics on level 100, and by Friday after I've pretty much resolved my MINOR issue, I'm like "pffft, who even needs a therapst" 🤣🤣 I'm a mess, ignore me lmao

But yes, I've been in and out of therapy since I was 16, it's been hard and I used to feel a lot of shame and guilt around it. I come from a culture where mental health is such a taboo topic, but after 6 years and a lot of rewiring my thinking I've normalized the idea of therapy in my life. I've been through a lot, and I like to use my story and my experience to help other people feel comfortable with theirs. I used to feel like I wanted people to think I'm "normal" and act like I don't have a lot of issues lol, when in reality my issues are normal! I'm always so open about seeking mental help, whether through meds or therapy or hospitalization, because people aren't ashamed needing physical help, so we shouldn't feel ashamed seeking mental help. I started posting my therapy with sheem posts because I felt like a lot of what my therapist was telling me could be helpful to anyone that reads those posts. Also, it's so I can go back and reread them whenever I feel like I need some encouragement. I hope that other people seeing me be so open about my struggles and challenges can see that other people are going through the same thing they are, and know that it's okay and it gets better!

So thank you lovely lovely anon, because this ask just reaffirms that what I'm doing is the right thing 💜

[ddaddsprompts]

Hey I'm so AMAZED with your prompts, YOU ARE AWESOME!! they are so well done and you're really creative in your writing and I LOVE that :3 But enough fangirling I was hoping you would consider making a prompt that has the [Dad]'s kids reacting to their dad and his husband, Dadsona, having a new baby(perhaps thru mpreg means?) maybe a boy for the families overrun with girls and a girl for the ones with boys. Maybe even include Amanda too? I know this is a lot but I hope you at least like it :3

Could you do an imagine where the cool-de-sac kids handle with their Dads having a new baby with Dadsona? I found river real cute and this just came to me :3 plus can you imagine Ernest or Daisy as older siblings super cute!!

Thank you so much!! This was a lot of fun to write (despite the pain in my fingers), so I hope you’ll enjoy it as much as I did. Dadsona here is trans and thus capable of getting pregnant.

🥃 You aren’t as close to Valas you’d like to be, but there were still issues father and daughter needed towork out between them and you can understand that. Robert’s got better, a lot better, since your talk under thetree in your backyard, thank god, because you don’t know how the ‘old’ Robertwould have reacted to seeing the positive pregnancy test you presented him with.There were tears, sloppy, wet kisses and laughter. The fact Val came to visitthe following weekend was a lucky coincidence, but you’d take it. You aren’tfar along enough to show already, but the way Robert hovers around you,constantly keeping you in his sight, asking you a thousand questions just tomake sure you really are fine, would have tipped anyone off. “I don’t deserve another child,” Roberthad said, “I haven’t even made things upwith Val yet. I don’t want her to be angry at our kid for getting the fathershe never had.” He needn’t have worried. Val seems to immediately sense somethingwas off. You’re worried about her brows getting stuck in that position if shecontinued frowning. You don’t want to breach the topic before Robert is readyto tell her, but Val beats you to it. She stands up right after dinner andcrosses her arms in front of her chest. The resemblance to Robert isremarkable. “Okay, you two, spill it.” “I’m pregnant,” you say. “About threeweeks in.” Val stands, frozen, for a few moments. You can see Robert go tense,his knuckles white. Then Val surges forward to hug you two and buries her facein her father’s shoulder, saying “I’m so happy for you two” over and over again.There are tears, sloppy, wet kisses and laughter. He needn’t have worried.

 🍸 Chris’ immediate response to hearing the news isto look at you and ask “How? Men can’t get pregnant.” You’re surprised, asuntil now, you thought Joseph’s kids knew, but Joseph whispers into your earthat it wasn’t his right to tell them and you understand. After half an hour ofexplaining you’re trans and what exactly that means, Chris seems satisfied withyour explanation. Christie and Christian, not so much. “Is it going to be agirl? I want a sister. I already have three brothers.” Christian elbowed histwin in the side. “Nuh-uh. I want a brother.” Christie glared daggers at him.You stifle a laugh behind your hand and see Joseph do the same. Crish, in hiscrib, blew a spit bubble, making clear he doesn’t particularly care either way,because he’s a toddler and doesn’t understand any of what you say yet. “Wedon’t have any way of influencing the gender of the child and it’s too earlyfor the doctors to find out,” Joseph interrupts before the argument can evolveinto a proper fight. “But you can try praying for a brother or sister, maybe Hecan be convinced by your arguments.” The twins, still glaring at each other,nod. Suddenly, there is a hand on your belly, and you look down to find Chrislook at it in concentration. “What are you doing, champ?” Chris’ mouth twitchesin what you now recognise as a smirk. “Praying it’s not twins again.” You andJoseph break into giggles as the twins whine.

☕ Mat and you planned on telling Carmensita overdinner, but neither of you counted on her perceptivity. “Y/N, why aren’t youdrinking your usual coffee?” She asks you as she plops down on the couch nextto you. You look at your fruit drink and then back at her. “I can’t havecaffeine, sweetheart.” The response was automatic, reflexive, and your brainscatches up only as Carmensita’s eyes go wide and her skin a few shades paler. “Areyou sick? Oh god, that’s why you went to the doctor’s recently, isn’t it? You’resick.” With horror you realise there are tears in her eyes. The next momentCarmensita is crying and hugging you with all her might. “Please don’t die likeMommy,” she sobs. The words break your heart. At the first commotion Pablo raninto the back and now, Mat comes hurrying over. He pries Carmensita off you andlifts her into his arms, rubbing circles on her back. “Baby girl, what’s wrong?”Carmensita sobs again. “Y/N told me he can’t have coffee anymore and I know hewent to the doctor’s a few days ago! He’s sick! I don’t want to lose him too!”Mat’s eyes widen in shock. He gently puts Carmensita down on the couch againand kneels in front of her, cupping her face in his hands. “Baby girl, Y/N isn’tsick, I promise. He can’t drink coffee at the moment because he can’t havecaffeine. Baby girl, Y/N is pregnant. You’re going to get a baby brother orsister soon.” Carmensita looks from her father to you. “Pregnant…?” You nod ather and smile. “Yes, dear.” She hugs you tightly again, but this time she’slaughing from joy.

🌹 The decision who of you would carry the childhadn’t been easy, but eventually, you decided it would be you, and you twoasked Robert whether he would donate sperm. After the initial meltdown, he saidyes. A month later, you received the news: You were pregnant. Now it’s time totell Lucien. He’d known you were thinking about having a child and had gone tothe doctor, but not that it worked at the first try. Damien is a nervous wreckas you two prepare dinner for when Lucien returns from school. “He already toldyou he’s happy about our decision and looking forward to a younger sibling. Whyare you so worried now, dear?” He runs a hand through his hair and gives asomewhat helpless shrug. It makes you pull him closer, sneaking an arm aroundhis waist. “Truthfully, I don’t know. Maybe that he has changed his mind.”“I haven’t,” Lucien says, kicking the door shut behind him. “If it’s about yourwish for a child.” He drops his bag and leans against the wall. You canpractically guess the direction of his thoughts as you follow his eyes go fromDamien’s face to yours and then down to the hand Damien has on your stomach.Lucien’s eyes light up and you think, he figured it out. “Did it work?” Lucienasks. Warmth spreads out inside of you at his tone, the pure joy you can hearin his voice. “Yes, dear,” Damien replies and you add, “I’m pregnant.” Lucienwhoops and runs over to tackle-hug you both; the impact sends you three into acuddle pile on the floor. “I’m going to be a big brother!” You laugh and coverDamien’s hand with your own.

🎣 “Dad… what are you doing?” You lift your headand peer over the book you’ve been reading while Brian got to work building a nurseryfrom scratch. Daisy is standing in the doorframe, watching with a confused lookas her father hammered nails into a wooden plank. He was vibrating withexcitement, like you and Craig used to on four cups of coffee spiked withenergy drinks. The fact that the news made him so happy still fills you withjoy. “Building a-“ Brian trails off and shoots you a look. You gesture him tocarry on; there was no reason why she shouldn’t know. Brian puts aside thehammer and walks over to his daughter, sweeping her up into a hug that left herfeet dangling above the floor. “—nursery for your baby brother or sister! Y/Nis pregnant! I’m going to be a father again and you’re going to be a bigsister! Isn’t that great, Daisy?!” Daisy doesn’t reply. You feel a pang ofworry in your chest at her expression. She doesn’t look happy at all. Brianlowers his daughter to the floor again and kneels down to look at her face. “Daisy,dear? Aren’t you happy?” Daisy starts fidgeting and wrings her hands. “I am,but…” She averts her eyes. “What if I won’t be a good big sister? I can’t teachthem anything besides school stuff…” Standing up, you cross the distance andtoo kneel in front of her. “You’ll be a great big sister. Besides, Amanda isthere, too, and together you’ll be the bestest sisters in the world.” Daisypulls a face. “It’s best, Y/N.” Youwink and pull her into your arms.

👟 “No.” “But—“ “No, absolutely not.” “But, bro—“ “Craig,I won’t let you name my child Meadow or Forrest.” Craig gives you his patentedpuppy eyes, complete with a pout, and you feel your resolve crumble. “How aboutRain? Or Willow? Flint? Sterling?” You groan and throw up your hands. “How areyou even coming up with all these names? Do you have, like, a list?” Craig’ssheepish look is all the answer you need. You turn around and walk into theliving room, throwing yourself down on the couch and turning on whateverreality-TV show is currently on air. Craig trails after you and you scoot overto make space. After a few minutes of silence you lift your head and look downat River, who is playing with Arnold on a blanket. “Hey, River?” She looks upat you. “You’re going to be a big sister. How does that make you feel?” River wavesArnold around. “Sisa!” You turn to Craig. “One down, two to go. Your job.”Craig laughs. “That’s unfair, bro. You got the easy part.” You nudge him withhis foot. “I’ll remind you of what you said once I’m moody and have swollenfeet.”About halfway through the second episode the front door is opened and in stormHazel and Briar. Craig slips out from behind you and starts preparing lunch,while you play with River, trying to get her to say “Relax”. At least, youplanned on playing with her, but suddenly the twins come running back andtackle you, making you fall on your back with an ‘oof’. “Is it going to be agirl or a boy?” “How long until they are born?” “Did you already pick a name?” “Howabout Birch?” You groan again and cover your face with your arm. You canpractically feel Craig’s smug look on you.

📖 Ernest’s reaction to your pregnancy had been asexpected: He cursed, he threw tantrums, he seemed to hate you even more thanbefore. Hugo had warned you it might happen; what neither of you expected washow much he changed as your belly grew, how he seemed to come around to theprospect of a baby in the household. More than once, after coming home fromwork, you found him standing in the room you had converted into the nursery androcking the crib back and forth. You never mentioned anything and left beforehe noticed you. Now, the day has finally come and Ernest seemed even morenervous than either you or Hugo. He keeps throwing nervous glances at you,every gasp or hiss leaving your mouth making him look even more worried. “Don’tworry, Ernest,” you tell him with a weak smile. “It’s not my first rodeo.” Hescoffs, clearly embarrassed at being found out, but nods and turns to face theroad again. The delivery goes without any problems and after a few hoursshouting at the top of your lungs and squeezing Hugo’s hand, your beautifuldaughter is lying on your chest, fast asleep. Hugo is sitting next to you,still crying, holding your daughter’s tiny hand in his much larger ones. Thedoor opens and Ernest tentatively steps into the room. His eyes go wide when hesees his half-sister, but he doesn’t move. You wave him over and carefully pickup your child, offering it to him. You’ve never seen him handle something withso much care and reverence before. “What’s her name?” He asks; you act like youdidn’t hear his voice crack. “Mary Shelley Vega-[Y/N].”