#I'm going to state my reason - too which I'll get told well I really should be going and how do I know if I don't try it and we have things

[tealeavesandthorns]

// just a rant in the tags please ignore lol

[iheartcabbyiii]

I didn't want to make this post, and I still don't, but I don't think I can keep my silence on the situation for any longer. I've only told a few people about this, so I'm here now, telling all of you about what happened.

"The Henry Stickmin Artist Community" discord server is a server I am currently in; you may be too, you may not. If so, you also might know the owner, Stick, aka Suppishstick on discord. I definitely do. My experience with them was not a good one, and I'll be sharing my experience with them in this post.

1: Starting off.

How we met:

A few months ago, I joined a THSC community based server along with another close friend of mine, looking to communicate with some other THSC fans outside of twitter (only platform I posted on back then). However, I didn't start talking until a few months afterwards. Once I had started talking, I had gotten to know a few of the people there; one of them being Stick. They didn't talk much, but the first interaction we ever had (I believe) was when I was talking about an artist I disliked (this artist was fairly controversial for their predatorial creations and actions, btw).

When I explained what they did to Stick since they wanted to know, we just talked about how disgusting that behavior is, and so on. Conversation ends.

How it started:

However, a few hours afterwards, they'd started dming me with random shit. It wasn't wrong, it just felt a little weird because I didn't expect to be dmed after our previous conversation was already done and over with: also because we didn't know each other. There wasn't anything wrong with just talking, so I went along with it.

One day, he suddenly said that he was thinking of making me and my friend mods. However, he said it like if he made me a mod, he'd have to make them a mod too. Despite this, I was extremely happy. I don't know WHY I wanted mod perms, but overall you can't really do anything other than ban and kick people; can't even invite a bot to the server. It wasn't worth it, but now I see why he made me AND my friend both mods. (This will come up again.)

3:

Then, the more they talked, the topic became based on serious topics, their IRL life, and their problems. (I'm going to be very vague with their problems they had for privacy reasons.) It started off with them talking about having a crush on their friend, and it basically backfiring on them.

This is basically what started it.

From then on, they began to vent in my dms almost daily about any feeling they had, and I would reply every time, despite being uncomfortable yet not having the guts to tell them to stop.

He went from that, to talking about how he wanted to bleach his skin, which is OBVIOUSLY harmful. His reasoning was that he would maybe get a girlfriend because he would be white, and saying that he should do what MJ (Michael Jackson) did, which is also untrue. Besides that, when he said this, I felt extremely uncomfortable with what he said he was going to do just for people to like him, since I didn't want him to harm himself. I wouldn't want ANYONE to do this just so they could be liked by other people. (As well as me telling him another time, not to vent in my DMS.)

Then, afterwards, they had started venting in my dms without permission again. This screenshot one of the various times I'd told him not to vent w/o perms.

All he talked about was the situation with his friend, and everything that was going on in his life. However, then he started talking about using steroids and harming himself. (I may come off as dry in these texts because as I stated, I was uncomfortable.)

I didn't know how to react when I saw these messages. I didn't know if I were to comfort him, discourage those actions, or just not reply in general.

When he said he didn't vent in DMS anymore, which was pretty much just contradicting himself, I pointed it out that he had been doing that for weeks.

His motive for doing most of these things was to make people like him. And I understand that you might not be liked by too many people, but harming yourself and your health to fit in is not the way to go.

He argued that it wasn't "angry or suicidal stuff", so I guess it ... Wasn't venting??? (SS of convo down below)

3:

I'd also like to talk about the typa shit he'd talk about when he wasn't venting to me. Most of this stuff was stuff I didn't know (or really care, I'm sorry to say it,,) about.

A few of the things he sent stuck out to me, specifically because it was NSFW content.

One of these examples was a newgrounds animation. Why was I trusting anything they sent that was from newgrounds? Because I didn't want to just not acknowledge the shit he was talking about.

This animation, however, was a video of a fucking Creeper getting assaulted.

I did not request to see the animation, all I said was that I hadn't seen it, yet he still sent the link.

The image of the video is blurred because it contains slight gore, and I'm not taking my chances,,,

Yeah, some people might be able to handle it, but like, if someone doesn't ask for a NSFW link, YOU DONT SEND IT!!!

Now, here's my message I sent after I didn't want this to go on any longer. I sent this message to request that he stop talking in my dms in the politest way I could. Although, this is the response I got.

Yes, he did apologize for saying it like that, but it didn't feel as if he really meant it.

If he had problems, I wanted him to seek help for them, and not tell someone on the Internet who he didn't know basically every thought he had.

I wasn't comfortable from the start.

Before I start my conclusion on this, I'd like to mention the time he promoted his rants,...,, To be specific, he sent a message in the main chat of the server, saying, "check rant, it's bad."

Not only did he say this in the server, he also sent it in my dms as well. (I cannot provide any more pictures because I've reached the limit of images tumblr will allow me to add, but if anyone would like to see them, I can show the messages he sent.)

If Stick sees this, I will not argue with him about this. If he bans me from the server, that's fine. I still believe what he did was wrong.

[euniexenoblade]

I'm terribly sorry for the anon ask. This is going to be long, and rambling, and probably quite rude to send to someone. Feel free to just trash this. I needed to scream and cry somewhere because I don't know what to do.

I saw your post about polyam people in monogamous relationships and it broke me. I'm a trans girl dating another trans girl 1 year older than me. She's the only reason I'm still alive. I was highly suicidal and depressed and miserable because I was forced to be closeted even though I knew who I was.

The whole act made me miserable. I felt like such a wretched thing, both for the idea of being trans girl and dysphoria as a whole. I felt unlovable, because no-one ever really loved me for who I was. I thought I was equivalent to some sort of drifting piece of disgusting flotsam, waiting to sink and drown forever. Improve the world by my disappearance.

She was the first person to love me, genuinely. To hold me close and tell me I was worth it. Worth loving, worth caring for. Eventually I began to believe it too. She dragged me out of my cocoon and made me love life and love her.

She's the single thing I love most in this world, but I'm also polyam, and have recently begun to love other people romantically as well. Originally, when I got into a relationship with her, she told me she was polyam too, but later corrected herself as exclusively and highly strictly monogamous.

And I feel trapped in here. She mostly only talks to me now to play out sexual scenarios where I'm the Dom, phone sex, ERP, things of that sort. I've talked to her about it and she just breaks down so I've stopped trying to talk about the subject.

I've also done my best to keep myself the perfect model monogamous person for her. But it hurts. It hurts to love so deeply and not be able to do anything about it. I feel broken, like I'm making excuses for wanting to cheat on my supposed one true love or something.

I know this isn't healthy, but I don't know what to do. I'm afraid that if I break up with her, she'll break down so hard and spiral so far down she won't be able to come back up, and that I'll go back to that miserable flotsam state without someone around me (Which I know is yet another fault about me. Something I should be able to endure that I can't).

I guess I'm here to ask if you have any advice. Sorry for sending this again. Thanks for reading.

If she breaks down when you break up, that is not your fault. I know that doesn't make it feel any better, but it is not you're fault. No one is guaranteed you, they must earn you.

I'm sorry this is happening. That's so fucked. It must really, really, really eating away at you. My first thought is you need to get her to talk. No shutting down. She presented herself as poly when you first hooked up, and yeah she's allowed to rescind that but it completely changed what you were lead the relationship would be. You need to drop the things you said to me to her, she needs to understand this. And, where it goes is important.

Usually I'd just say "break up," but this person is so very important to you and you love her so much. So I think there needs to be discussion and understanding. But, ultimately, if you want to be poly and she isn't supportive of that, then you gotta break up.

I hope that your coming days are full of love and joy.

[strawberrykisseslia]

sweetness

♡ pairing: ada wong x fem!reader

♡ cw: pure fluff like too much, ada being softer with reader, also im not sure how to write ada js yet so bare w me, not proofread

♡ i love ada sm i dont get the hate also i got sick :D

♡ wc: 700

“oh, fuck!” you gasped and looked down at your finger which had a cut. some blood dripped down onto the floor and onto the broken plate. you thought it would go okay to make dinner after having a long night shift the other day. you couldn’t really sleep. all you did was think about Ada if she is alright.

you knew she wasn’t really the one who was used to text so much but it made you worried that you haven’t heard from her in days. she never told you about her job but you knew it was important and dangerous.

the reason Ada never talked more about it was because she didn’t want you to get involved in it. it could put you out to danger, it was already risky she had someone so important to her.

you sighed and put your hands down on the counter and leaned against it. you took a big breath in and out before starting to clean up the mess but first you cleaned up your cut and put a bandaid on it.

as you were deep into cleaning you heard the front door open.

“i’m home.”

you quickly got up and ran towards the door. it was your loving girlfriend.

she put down her stuff on the small table besides the door and put her coat up. she looked extremely exhausted but when she saw you coming out of the kitchen a smile creeped up on her face.

“hey love.” her voice was quiet and soft. you hugged her around her neck and she held you closely by the waist.

“hey, it’s nice to have you back,” you said as you stepped back. “i was worried about you.” you gently carried her cheek, she leaned into your touch.

"i missed you a lot." she whispered to you. Ada took your hand and noticed the bandaid. "what happened?" she asked and tilted her a bit.

"oh, just wanted to make you some dinner but dropped the plate and it broke," you laughed a bit at the accident. "it's nothing deadly." you teased Ada a bit. she always cared if something happened to you. even if it was the smallest paper cut. she was there to help you even after you told her countless times that you are fine.

"you shouldn't. i know you had a night shift yesterday, i know your schedule," she continued talking as she took her boots off. "you should be resting. i make something, okay?"

she didn't wait for your answer and walked into the kitchen. luckily you were done with the cleaning when she got home so you could freely walk in the kitchen.

you crossed your arms and leaned against the door frame and smiled at your girlfriend who was walking arouned the room. "aren't you tired? you should also rest."

she chuckled and shook her head. "never tired to make food for you— i already ate on my way home. i thought you'll be sleeping." you nodded. "i see, well, do you need any help?" you walked over and hugged her around her waist.

"you could sit down on the couch and put something on, i'll handle the rest." she smiled and brushed your arms. "okay!"

-

after some minutes she was done and brought the food in on a tray. she sat down next to you and handed you the freshly made pasta. you thanked her and she nodded. "is it good?" she asked you as you took your bite.

"yes, oh my god!" you nodded. "i love your cookings." you smiled and continued to eat. she put her arm around your shoulder and started to gently brush your arm. "i'm glad."

you were finishing eating when you saw you Ada fell asleep on your shoulder. it's rare to see her relax or in a comforting position. her body is always in a 'go' state, never really resting at all. it's nice to see her finally at peace.

you put your food down on the cafe table and put a blanket over you and her. you held her closely to you, never wanting to let her go away again and just have her for yourself only.

[marina41trench]

Izumi Iori - RabbiTube Mini

Isumi Haruka I've watched all the videos about penguins you told me! It was really cute! 😂

Izumi Iori They sent it to us to use as reference the other day.

Isumi Haruka Is the baby penguin that sticks to the caretaker alright?

Izumi Iori I heard that penguin just debuted. Its popularity stems from being spoiled and doing its own thing. The video uploaded a day before already have 110,000 views. Its influence is amazing.

Isumi Haruka I didn't know they uploaded again. Time to sub to the channel.

Yotsuba Tamaki Are you guys talking about the penguin video we watched during the shooting?

Isumi Haruka Yeah! When he told me that there's more stuff than what we saw, I asked about the channel

Izumi Iori Well, while it's fine to watch solely as reference for the shooting, it is important to observe the penguin's way of life. Have you seen their channel, Yotsuba-san? I will send you the URL.

Yotsuba Tamaki Hmm, I'll go to your room later You know that there's a part we keep repeating, right? Tell me which scenes

Izumi Iori I I have thoroughly checked it for the purpose of our project. Like penguins playing in the water and their sleeping state, etc. It seems it's valuable as reference.

Isumi Haruka I get you! The way they huddle up together like a river(1) is cute!! When I watched it in the greenroom with Touma, we went "whooaaaaa"

Yotsuba Tamaki Marucchi watches a lot of videos about dogs too He sure likes that kind of thing

Isumi Haruka He suddenly sends me just a URL of a dog playing in the water lol He also watched our mini video multiple times.

Yotsuba Tamaki Really? We did great

Isumi Haruka Well, kinda! It's not like I'm not happy Isn't it weird to ask the person himself, "Isn't Haru's movements here great? What do you think?" directly? I'm glad but how should I respond to him? lol

Izumi Iori Isn't that great? It's heartwarming. It's truly envying. For us dancing in front of our fellow members was a mess (angry) (angry) (angry)

Isumi Haruka Really?! Wait, I need an explanation lolololol

Yotsuba Tamaki Rikkun and Nagicchi begged to us, "I want to see a live penguin dance!" they said

Isumi Haruka Ahh lol

Yotsuba Tamaki But seriously, Iorin you said that you're angry but weren't you really into it?

Izumi Iori You're wrong! I had no other choice and want to end it as soon as possible! Because you're willing to do it!

Isumi Haruka

Yotsuba Tamaki

Izumi Iori Stop using that sticker!

Yotsuba Tamaki Don't get embarrassed lolol

Izumi Iori I am not embarrassed, though???

Yotsuba Tamaki Fufufu. I saw through you, Iorin. When Mikki took that picture your ears were red

Isumi Haruka Show me!!!!!!

Yotsuba Tamaki Sorry, Isumin I just heard 100 very angry knocking on my door

Isumi Haruka Lololololol

Yotsuba Tamaki Iorin… Your fingers will get red…

Izumi Iori Yotsuba-san

Yotsuba Tamaki Yes…

Izumi Iori I will expose your scores on the test we had the other day.

Yotsuba Tamaki I'm very sorry.

Izumi Iori I'm glad you understand.

Isumi Haruka When we got our exams Yotsuba instantly shoved his paper in his bag lololol What's really your score?

Yotsuba Tamaki

Isumi Haruka (guessing)

Yotsuba Tamaki Teacher So-chan's supplementary classes is so hard. Harder than our Math teacher's.

Isumi Haruka Ehh! That Osaka? He seems really nice

Yotsuba Tamaki Nice people don't break doors It seems like it's going to be broken by Iorin next

Isumi Haruka What's happening there lol

Izumi Iori Osaka-san is a gentle person. He accompanies you whenever you get sleepy while studying and when you rush to play a game.

Isumi Haruka Stop fighting lol Haah, that was entertaining. I'm glad that you're members

Yotsuba Tamaki Ooh That's because Iorin and Isumin are both shy

Isumi Haruka Eh

Izumi Iori Wha

Isumi Haruka I'm very, very sociable! Did you know I studied abroad?

Izumi Iori I just do not make physical contact with people for no reason.

Yotsuba Tamaki I'm glad we're friends. The shooting was fun!

Isumi Haruka Well.

Izumi Iori Yes.

Yotsuba Tamaki Yeah! It was fun because it felt like we're in school(pudding emoji)

Isumi Haruka Seeing Izumi laugh is pretty rare though 😳

Izumi Iori Anyone would laugh hearing the two of you suddenly say "pen pen" at close proximity.

Yotsuba Tamaki We had a battle on who's the fastest at walking like a penguin!

Isumi Haruka

Yotsuba Tamaki Well, I'm the fastest

Isumi Haruka What are you saying? I'm way faster!

Yotsuba Tamaki No, no matter how you look at it it's me! Iorin who do you think it is?!

Isumi Haruka

Izumi Iori Both.

Yotsuba Tamaki That ain't good!

Isumi Haruka That won't do!

Yotsuba Tamaki Isumin, let's have a battle again at school tomorrow!

Isumi Haruka Sure, I won't ever lose

Yotsuba Tamaki Iorin, you'll be the judge!

Izumi Iori Please do not nominate someone arbitrarilly

Isumi Haruka Don't be bias to him just because you're on the same group!

Izumi Iori Hah… I understand I'm strict in my judgement.

Isumi Haruka

Yotsuba Tamaki

Izumi Iori

---

(1) - In the Japanese text, Haruka was saying that the penguins looked like the "river character" while sleeping. The character/kanji for river is 川.

[constelationprize]

dead man walking is an intriguing name i’d love to know more

dead men walkin is my baby!!!!! It's my magnum opus. It is also so big (12 at least 10k planned chapters) I'm not sure if I'll ever finish it in this lifetime. BUT I'M TRYING.

It's a kandreil, canon divergence AU that follows my first instict in literally every fandom because people should not have let me watch Count of Monte Cristo as a child: but what if this story was about revenge? It is also a love letter to the kandreil narrative parallels because there are SO MANY of them. There's also a lot of themes AFTG fic could explore that I feel fit better in a canon-adjacent scenario.

I also really love the synopsis so I'll let it speak on the rest of the premise for me:

Dead man walking (idiom) 1. A condemned prisoner walking to a death chamber or other place of execution.  2. Someone who is soon to die. 3. (figurative) Someone who is about to face an unavoidable loss (though the person may not realize it). .... When his mother dies, a runaway is told the reason why his life fell apart. A year later, Neil Josten is signed by the Palmetto State Foxes right before the season starts, looking to get his revenge or die trying. He might find a reason to live instead.

RIP Janie Smalls your canon last-second suicide attempt was just too convenient. Sorry about the mafia hit girl get well soon.

Though the fic is going to span the AFTG original timeline, I'm not going for a beat-by-beat series rewrite because that's just not the kind of thing that interests me. I'm keeping the exy games and that's it, everything else is getting at least a make over. A REVENGE make over.

I have also decided to make this a triple POV situation which means I saddled myself into writing medicated Andrew's internal monologue for 5 chapters. This was probably a mistake!

(Anyway please give me more excuses to talk about this wip I love it so much.)

[juliakristeva]

I believe you said you were only interested in doing English because you wanted to teach English? I don't think you doing theology would limit you in that because at the end of the day I've had lots of tutors that have graduated in different disciplines, but they've shown to be able to work to that standard which is what got them the job. Why fight against what you're passionate about at the risk of not being able to scratch the itch you really want to scratch?

you make a good point! but the reason why i'm thinking of leaving is because theology is frequently myopic, patriarchal, and difficult to manoeuvre in as a critical theorist. aside from my professors with whom im very close and a couple of classmates i can't be openly queer, which is really taking more of a toll on me mentally than i ever thought it would! ive been discouraged from focusing on issues that i feel passionate about (domestic violence for instance- like literally told "you may not want to include x") so that i don't upset certain committees and so on. which is crazy and has been a real turn off. most of the work i have done has been not with theologians but with religious studies instructors who mostly work outside of the department (my supervisor, who i've worked with for three years, is a psychoanalyst, not a clergy member or theologian).

additionally the way my uni is set up i will get, literally 4-5x the amount of funding for a doctoral discipline that isn't theology, which because i am working class/disabled and do not have family support is a big deal.

there's also a handful of other things that im unsure are unique to my school or not, but which i'll share for the sake of anyone contemplating going into theology. until i was around ten years old i was raised following jewish law, so i am not baptized: my mom wanted me to choose whether i converted like the rest of our family did or not, so as an adult i am still not formally affiliated with any church (although my theological background is at an anglican college doing very jesuit-influenced theology). as a result of this there's almost like a summer camp mentality where different denominations vie to make you convert, which is fine and probably to be expected, but makes it extremely difficult to discern my desires and what the spirit (whatever you conceive him to be) wants me to do. as a theologian you are technically bound to follow the stipulations of whatever denomination you're associated with: for instance, a catholic theologian cannot technically criticize the pope because that would go against catholic theology, and an anglican theologian cannot openly state "the head of the church should be God, not the king" because that would go against anglican theology and also was what got thomas beckett killed.

for a number of reasons i think i am really burnt on in theology, and getting my doctorate in english was what i'd originally intended to do when i graduated in 2020. going into theology was pretty much a fluke decision and its served me incredibly well, but i like the idea of exploring other options too.

[kozachenko]

Speculation for Touhou 19 Update: [SPOILERS THIS IS OUTDATED KINDA SORTA LOL]

Ok so I haven't gotten to talk too much about my theories for Touhou 19 but I'll share some speculation and predictions that I have as well as a few theories.

First of all, I feel like not enough people are mentioning Seija as a possible character in this game, like, her whole thing is about the "weak eating the strong" and "overturning society" so this seems like a pretty good chance for her to go against the main enforcers of that ideology i.e. the beast yakuza leaders (Saki, Yachie, and Yuuma). I mainly got this idea from another Tumblr user mentioning Seija and I loved that concept so much, so I'm bringing it up again just to make people more aware of it.

Another thing I would like to mention is the SDMs role in the story, which may seem out of left field but hear me out. So, in 17.5 Okina got Flandre to beat up Yuuma yadayadayada incident solved. I haven't read up on too much of 17.5s story but I know that she's left in charge of the blood pools by Okina and that's that… or is it? What about the eagle spirits that learned of their leader (who they hold in very high regard) being defeated? Wouldn't they also use this opportunity to get revenge on the one who did it? How would Remillia react if she learned that her little sister was being targeted by a bunch of (potentially dangerous) beast spirits? And thus, this would be the reason for Sakuya to get herself involved in the incident. Even if Remillia or Flandre herself tried to tell her "It'll be fine! They're weak anyway! What's the worst they could do?" Sakuya would probably be too paranoid to let it slide.

Another thing to note is the Netherworlds involvement in this game, specifically Youmu. It would also be very likely that she would be involved too since in one of her touhou 17 endings, Eiki told Youmu to get more information on Yachie. So of course, this would be a great oppurtunity to do so.

Some people are also speculating the Moriya Shrines involvement in the new incident, which could be likely as the opportunity of claiming new land would be right up their alley. Plus a leak of Sanae being a potential character in this would support this theory.

One of the most common predictions for Touhou 19s roster and story is that the beast yakuza leaders would also want to get themselves involved in claiming new land. Plus the potential introduction of the fourth faction could also play into this, with all of them trying to go for the same place at once.

Then we have Tsukasa, who I think could probably be related to the fourth faction or (just the beast realm in general), and could potentially be the instigator for Touhou 19s story as she was for 18s story. I should also bring up Chimatas potential involvement as I think it would make sense, this was probably an unintentional side effect of her own ability and she would obviously want to help sort things out again.

Another thing that's mentioned a lot in the story is the possibility of Reimu being lured into a trap of some sort by going to the animal realm, mainly by Aunn. Now, there could be a variety of things that could happen with Reimu and the animal realm, but I'm saving this part for last because it's the possibility I'm most excited for and think would be a really fun twist.

There's also the fourth faction, who we know from Yachies profile uses "cowardly tactics" such as poisoning, parasitism, and assassination, which may mean that the spirits in the faction may not be the strongest in terms of physical strength, but more in strategy, so who could the spirits in this faction be? Foxes, cats, or maybe even monkeys, which leans into the idea of the Sun Wukong character being the leader of the fourth faction.

Then there's the question of who is the true mastermind behind the incident. With Marisa stating that there is some "unknown magic" behind the whole thing, there could be a multitude of answers to this question. It could be someone new or someone we know. I personally think that Okina would play some role in this incident as one of her abilities is manipulating mental energy, which means that she could make everyone want the new land. It could probably be someone new, but the answer to this question will probably have to wait until the full game is out.

So, as of right now, everyone in Gensokyo is going for this new land that just popped up. Especially the beast spirits and beast gangs. Now, if we consider the possibility that the beast leaders themselves (including the fourth one) are also looking to claim the new land, then what does that mean for the animal realm? Since no one is there (except like, maybe a few beast spirits who didn't go), the animal realm (and the human spirits for that matter) are left unwatched.

And I think we know who would want to use this opportunity to gather some faith and take over the animal realm completely...

So, I feel like Keiki wouldn't be a playable, she would probably send Mayumi out to go get this new land for a new base for the human spirits as a backup plan, so we can expect Mayumi to join the "New stage 5 character becomes a protagonist" club. Meanwhile, Keiki has all the time in the world to reassemble her Haniwa army and take over the animal realm. Just to clarify, I don't think Keiki is the one responsible for the incident as a whole, rather, she's just taking advantage of the situation. It would be out of character for someone like Yachie to just leave without making sure the animal realm doesn't get taken over, it seems like an oversight that she wouldn't make. This is why I mentioned maybe a few beast spirits staying behind just in case something happens. Maybe the fourth faction leader is still in the beast realm and is trying to keep Keiki back as long as they can to the best of their ability, and if the fourth leader really is the Sun Wukong inspired character, then anyone who is familiar with the story they come from (Journey to the West) would know that this character would probably jump at the opportunity to fight a powerful god. That probably wouldn't be the primary reason just a little benefit for them.

And with that marks the end of this, really, really long post (LOL), but yeah those are a few of my predictions and speculations. I used to have the mentality of "If you say your wish out loud then it won't come true" but if I was right about the Sun Wukong inspired 2hu character then who knows, maybe I'll be right about a few things here. Let me know what you think could happen, I'm really curious!

[cryptidsurveys]

Wednesday, September 11th, 2024.

What’s one thing you really want right now? For the recent drama at the animal shelter to blow over. On one hand, I'm kicking myself for opening my big mouth about Alex (because it's a problem that would have more or less solved itself with patience and time), but on the other hand, I'm oddly relieved. Now I'll admit that I'm no paragon of virtue - I've engaged in a bit of idle gossip; I've talked a bit of crap - but she's just relentless. Going forward, I need to have a big think about how to more effectively nip these situations in the bud, as well as whether or not gossip (etc) is something in which I want to participate in any capacity. I'm leaning toward trying to avoid it at all costs, no matter the temptation, no matter how "weird" it makes me seem; because if Alex is the embodiment, then I don't want to be even a tiny fraction of that. But yeah - I told Kristen and Riley about some of the things Alex has said, and Kristen thought it was bad enough to take to management, so I was like, "If you do, then I'll back you up if you need it." Management made her out to be the problem, so I was like, "...Welp. Hey Riley, you wanna back me too?" She did, and we talked to management as well. I don't know if it will make any difference, but there was no way I was going to let Kristen stand alone when she was not the so-called "source of negativity." She was the recipient of it.

Is there anything you’re looking forward to? The Chili Festival. Not this weekend, but next weekend. I might take a day off from volunteering to check it out.

Are you in love? I am not.

Is love even existent at your age? Does anything even exist at my age?

When was the last time you exercised enough to break a sweat? Probably sometime recently at the shelter. Except it would have been less about the exercise and more about the fact that it was just fvcking hot.

Have you been annoyed at someone/something today? Yeah. I hate that I'm good at overthinking and bad at letting things go. It puts such a strain on what would have otherwise been a very relaxing day.

Are you avoiding anybody at the moment? I was on Tuesday, but technically not today or tomorrow because I would be off anyway.

Is rap your favorite genre of music? No, but I don't mind it from time to time.

Are you one of those people that gets jealous easily? Yeah, but I try to reason with myself and not let it get in the way of things. It's such a complicated emotion because it's tied in with a fear of abandonment, my sense of self-worth, etc. I think I've come a long way in terms of dealing with it, but there are definitely times when it rears its ugly head.

What was your favorite show as a kid? Dragon Ball Z, Yu-Gi-Oh, Are You Afraid Of The Dark, Salute Your Shorts, Hey Arnold, Rugrats, etc.

Do you get along with your whole family? I get along very well with my dad. I also get along with my mom, but it still feels a bit superficial. I don't get along with my sibling.

When was the last time you were sick? Aside from migraines, I had a cold last Oct-Nov.

What’s one thing you want to tell somebody right now? There's nothing I really want to tell anyone.

How are you today? I'm like a random grab-bag of emotions, but if I set all of that chaos aside…I'm good.

Has anybody close to you passed away in the last six months? No.

Have you ever lasted a relationship longer then two months? Yeah.

At the moment, what’s your favorite song? I don't have one.

Are you obsessed with anything? Aside from volunteering (I must be obsessed because it consumes such a large portion of my life and I feel like I can't step away), I'm not sure. I definitely have interests and enjoyments, but I'm not [LOCKED IN] to a particular hyper fixation atm.

Do you think that weed/marijuana should be legalized? It is legal here.

Is it safe to walk around your neighborhood at night? Mmmm…it's probably not super dangerous, but I wouldn't feel safe.

If you could visit any state/country you wanted, where would you go? I'm not a road trip person, but if I could be magically transported to all of the National Parks in the country, that would be awesome. Same goes for all the ancient/megalithic/mysterious architecture around the world.

If money weren’t an object, what would you do with your life? Probably something similar to what I'm doing now, except I'd have my cabin in the mountains.

Are you a fan of heights? I'm like trauma bonded with them…???

What is the last compliment you received? I'm not sure, but probably something from my dad. If not him, then maybe from Nan or Veronica at the shelter.

Rate your typing speed on a scale from 1 - 10? Seven.

Is there an instrument you can/wish you could play? I wish I could play guitar, harp, or violin.

Are you artistic at all? Yeah.

Why do you take surveys? I don't know. I mean, on the surface, I take them for the sake of journaling. But WHY do I want to journal? And WHY do I want to make it semi-public? Maybe I just want attention. :')

Where are you? In my room.

What is your goal in life? To pet more cats than anyone else. I'm already in the top percentiles.

Do you enjoy tanning? No.

Is everything going your way right now? In a weird way…pretty much. Just not quite the way I expected lmao.

What’s one aspect of your life that you want to change? I want to be more independent.

Do you text more then you talk on the phone? Yeah.

Is music a big portion of your life? No, but it is at least part of it.

Does anybody call you ‘baby’? No.

Is there someone you want, but can’t have? No.

Have you ever broken the law? Yeah.

Are you scared to grow old? In the sense that I might never get my life together and will subsist in abject circumstances until I die, yes. In a general sense, I just can't wrap my head around the idea of aging (or death) enough to be truly, existentially fearful.

[fakeosirian]

☕️ sinner arc?

O H B O Y

full disclosure i still have not done my note-taking s3 rewatch so i'm liable to misremember (or just not remember) things but i thiiiink i'm confident enough in this opinion to post. it's not supposed to be "discoursey" tho i'm focusing on my crits of this arc more than the compliments because that's what i've done more thinking about. thank you for enabling this and also i'm sorry because you've unleashed the beast <3

thesis statement: the sinner arc, as it is, is both totally natural and consistent with the narrative up to that point and also a HUGE break from the rest of the show tone-wise, craft-wise, and tbh emotionally to the point that i think that it was kiiiiiiiind of a mistake. or at least it's hindered by being the final arc of the show (not counting TOR). some of my sour grapes are just personal bias against certain kinds of "whittling down the cast" plots, but after thinking it over for a While, tbh it bothers me moreso because the things i would change are very simple and would make a world of difference craft-wise without really changing any of the major plot beats or undermining the good parts. (and thus it's disappointing to me that that's not what we got when i feel like the creative team already avoided those exact issues in earlier parts of the show...)

so ok. getting this out of the way: i may come off harsh on this arc because i find it very stressful to watch for personal reasons LMAO so i'll hand this to it: it's very good at getting the desired emotions out of me (extreme discomfort/despair), so if that's the only metric you're using to judge quality, there you go: it's good.

unfortunately it also makes me sad about the state of the characters in a way that...you could interpret as success? but this is the bit that, even accounting for my bias, i think is Not Good. let me explain:

s1 and s2 do an excellent job of manipulating implied perspective of scenes to put characters you're primed to dislike in slow-burn situations that at first exacerbate their flaws and then give them a shot at, not necessarily "redemption," but...imperfect mutual understanding. examples: victor perceived as literally murderous is revealed to be a victim (and later perpetrator) of a generational cycle of abuse; joy, as a victim of that cycle of abuse, lashes out and victimizes others; patricia, eddie, and jerome have more moments from their povs, so it's not quite as dramatic, but they experience a similar character arc as well.

on the flip side, you also get characters whose povs you get as your "main lens" (that can trick you into thinking youre viewing an objective pov) that have biases that become apparent as they interact with those "villainized" characters and react in ways inconsistent with the tone of the scene (thinking of nina and mara here primarily, but fabian also is a good example of this). that's how you get nina flipping out at the friends that SHE CURSED to the point that finally, FINALLY, she acknowledges that she's gone too far. (i should do a writeup on the curse arc and her behavior leading up to it because i think it's a fascinating commentary on the nature of being an "audience insert" that sort of gained sentience over time lol.) mara is self-explanatory here because she cannot help herself from cooking up the WORST possible response to a mundane relationship problem, and yet the tone of the scenes from her pov ends up being extremely sympathetic to her feelings (the way it's shot, edited, the music cues, etc.) in a way that fosters a really neat type of dissonance between text and subtext that doesn't signpost/announce itself until it's already Very There.

when these two different methods for handling character clash, as an audience, you're simultaneously told how to feel (those tonal cues i was talking about) but also left enough clues to change your mind (which i think the generally pro-joy tone of the discourse on this website is proof that people will do and is an intended potential experience of the show tbh). the moral/emotional result of that is a really neat commentary on subjectivity, how complicated reconciliation is, and how the only people too far gone to improve themselves are those who simply don't want to. the scene at the end of s2 with nina giving victor the tear makes me so emotional because it's an olive branch, an acknowledgment of the complicated nature of the situation and that victor has been a horrible person and made horrible choices in the past, but he does not have to keep doing that, and he does make the right choice when push comes to shove. same thing with joy in the senet arc (and i love that fabian is simultaneously the pov character and honestly the antagonist because of his inability to manage his emotions until the end), and honestly, same thing with patricia in early s1 re: her paranoia surrounding nina.

so what does this have to do with the sinners? well, they pretty much fly in the face of that entire writing philosophy on a fundamental, functional level, by design. considering "that philosophy" is just...earnest emotionally satisfying character writing in a story primarily driven by its characters and how they interact with one another over time...that's not great!

the leadup to a sinner capture is great. the afterwards is my issue. you take these characters who are in a narrative about not letting your flaws define you forever and you erase and overwrite their personality to be their singular greatest flaw, and then you reverse that and snatch away their memories to add insult to injury. that's not character regression (which is a completely legit avenue and is why the sinner captures are great in theory) -- it's anti-development, anti-human. it's certainly made worse by the fact that it's the show's final arc and thus the ex-sinners don't get a chance to process their experience on screen (needing that closure for myself is why i'm writing flat on your face lol), but even if it was addressed in the show in the best manner possible, it'd still feel cheap to me because it's agency-stripping and deeply cynical by design.

the thing is, this is deeply fixable. there's no singular way, but one i'm particularly interested in experimenting with is having the "sinner" be a sort of alter-ego that takes over in certain circumstances, subverting the conscious mind and leaving behind memory gaps and inconsistencies that lead the sinners to doubt themselves just as much as the other characters. it'd heighten the themes of misplaced trust that s3 is doing a lot of work with, and it would give the sinners a chance to still be their characters, have agency, continue to develop, and idk imagining a scenario where patricia or fabian is desperately begging someone to NOT trust them sounds fucking delicious to me. also other thing: it'd also fix something that's not really a "mistake" but just makes me sad, which is the fact that once a sinner is taken...that's pretty much it for their character as you know them for the rest of the show. like yeah, they're still there, but man, when the show was airing and fabian got taken, i straight up felt like he died, lol.

there's another issue that that proposed solution would sort of solve? but tbh is just another consequence of this type of plotline, which is: zero-sum game character development, or characters getting their quality/development sacrificed for the development of other characters. i do not like that patricia, easily one of the most complex and interesting characters on the show who goes back and forth between evolving and devolving as a person regularly in a way that feels sympathetic and consistent with her previous behavior and environment, has that progress torched and flattened for the sake of eddie's development. it's not necessarily poorly conceived or structured or illegitimate, but it's hella depressing for me to watch, personally. if it felt like she had more agency as a sinner (ie. the way sinners function being changed fundamentally), i wouldn't mind as much/it wouldn't feel like as much of a zero-sum sacrifice, but as it stands, her sinner capture and subsequent existence is completely centered on making eddie maximum miserable enough to move the plot forward. that's where i feel like i need to rewatch because that's certainly an uncharitable read, so that take is accompanied with a metric ton of salt!

that brings me to my other semi-gripe (less significant than the above but worth talking about): who specifically gets taken.

victor getting taken at all, but especially first, kinda rubs me the wrong way because following s2 where he was getting taken for a ride just as much as the kids were (if not more), its sad to see him flattened back into the caricature he was through the kids' pov in early-mid s1, except this time he's actually just like that. i do feel like taking victor is natural, though, so i'm not totally against him being a sinner/he's a character that i think can survive being made this sort of pseudo-"irredeemable" without being retroactively ruined because he's always been a tragic character. sweet, though should not have been taken, full stop, and i legit hate that as a writing choice.

when it comes to the kids, i understand the thinking behind taking old guard sibuna and it does appeal to me to have old vs new happening within the greater landscape of s3 and the show as a whole, but i think it's missing the trees for the forest a bit. it's too focused on the subtextual positioning rather than the material reality of what patricia, fabian, and alfie are feeling and doing as individuals -- not so much re: patricia and fabian (they were cruising for a bruising), but alfie. like idk alfie isn't always a saint but mara was right there. (jerome was right there. joy was right there. i dont necessarily think either of them would have made good sinners -- frankly they might have made me angrier actually and mara is PERFECT PERFECT IDEAL -- but they make more sense than alfie to me.)

re: fabian, his capture is easily the best scene of all the captures, despite the fact that it makes me physically ill (honestly because it makes me physically ill lol), and that's because it's founded in previous behavior (senet arc is basically the blueprint for the sinner arc in many, many ways) and exceptionally tragic to see as a result because you like him, but he's been off the rails lately. the thing is, i love him being messy, but i hate the permanence of the consequences, like all you need to do is have one (frankly deeply semantic) slipup of character, and boom, you're evil forever unless your bestie can clean up your mess. it's good writing, but the message it sends is nasty, which like i feel like i've probably said a million times in this post, is sort of the whole deal with the sinners.

tl;dr: the sinner arc is powerful emotionally, and i enjoy picking apart the effects it would have on the characters in fanfic (so i'm not full on pro-revisionism lol), but it's just too cynical for me to vibe with and enjoy watching. i love the rest of the show for how earnest and unwavering it is in its belief in people, so seeing it take that turn for the intensely cynical gut punch right at the end -- even if everything works out in the end -- will always be somewhat off-putting to me. i feel like there's more i want to say to further explain that, but i've already spun my wheels enough here, so i'll save it for a follow-up once i've finally cracked and done that deep-dive rewatch, lol.

tysm for asking!! <3

[the-firebird69]

Briggs & Stratton is a special motor and it's designed to withstand some back drag with the lawn mower you go backwards a lot I mean every day the way he's saying to sync them is probably right because it's not a scientific motor it won't sink easily and even if you do you really have to equalize it with a special transmission which is too expensive so I did what he said and you put the two Briggs and Stratton on the same shaft and you adjust the throttles you got to do that every so often usually you just make sure it's at the same throw length and then you keep them both as clean and I'll tell you what this is a great idea it works when you're at speed the motors want to get along I don't know why he said he doesn't know why either it's because of the design of his father the Jeep is similar and it's hard to stall out and Arnie used to sync motors and it has forgiveness and if you miss it it starts over again kind of and I'll tell you what this is the way to do it after time we'll have New motors but we'll figure out how to make it work better or not it might just work and you have to super cool them they get hot kind of easy but this this is a great idea we can work on this right now and we can have these motors working today and in good fashion. Something make a small chassis you can buy it's not a go-kart it's a small car chassis and it is for like a mini cobra and you can buy one of those and you'd have around 50 horsepower and 65 full pounds of torque and you put gears and go around 85 miles an hour but we can make a crap load of them overnight we have millions and that's what he's been saying a simple simple car and we should keep them simple in the future there's no reason for all this gobbledy s*** and you'd be looked at as a lowbrow company but your your stuff's functional even though more solid state and that's what the cars will be mostly solid state almost everything on them and there'll be error wouldn't have air conditioning for a while the engines can't do it but he says there's a way to do that and I know how to do it you cool the air coming in you have a special jacket and a pump and we can make it makes shift air conditioning this is going to work these things work I'm getting ready and then I'm going to test it out and send it around other people who have done it you can test it out it works we have tons of these stupid motors and he told a cork we see the mountain tooling around in cars they're smaller and we think he did it he's got millions

Bg

Yes I did and it works you said you just slap it together and don't worry about it he says you're driving in a Rolls-Royce sir this is what are you talking about the engine from it and it's from a Jeep and it's my dad I don't know what happened to him so I said this I'm going to drive this thing into the ground and see what's wrong and so I did and that's what was wrong this is great I love that car now we can make tons of these and he says we can make tons of those once you're done trying to attack us no you're going to attack the Max and the pseudo empire so we can start talking about it and we can make a better sink and we are really aware of it they say so good we're going to look for it and yeah I'm starting with beer would be a good idea what if our hours low and brown it says it's his but he wants us to do it it's a good beer other beers might not be so good you have to actually Brew this one well and the guys will do it right and have you do it right and that sounds encouraging it's another approach but yeah good

A cork

I'm going ahead with Duff and I can have them make it and it occupies them theyll probably drink

Brad

I have to get involved and I'll tell you what his little kids when they're driving around you need to run this thing with the RC control and these ones would be fast and you'd have to do it for sure and you can sit there and watch them from the porch and they'll drive in the street and their electric and you can because the horsepower and if they have to go down the street with you on the evike you can do it he can try and run the RC thing but really it's it's not we can say but they got to learn to do something and this is how

Trump

We're Glad You poppers are doing this for us and fathers we need your help where kids we need to learn stuff this is a great man and he knows it he lost a lot of people and he's trying to not let it bother him but you guys are bothering him we want to learn how to do things in order to defend ourselves against those coming up from below and we're willing to do the job and he knows about it and we can do Malachi stuff

The youth trumpsters

I'm going to help and get it going

Trump

Olympus

[achillean-knight]

Sorry to bother ya, but, when does this take place?

https://www.tumblr.com/achillean-knight/738485575236124672?source=share

I'm asking cuz it's not really clear. Is this happening IRL? Or is this happening in Cassie's mind? I'm saying this because I saw another post where you told your version of events to an anon who shared plot points with you, and you said that Cassie has fully succumbed to the virus. Is this a hallucination Charlie is giving her as a chance to fight the virus back? If so, that'd be interesting.

G'day!! Ty for the ask! Not bothered at all tbh :D This is sort of a long reply but I hope that's ok.

YEAH I never truly touched upon this, huh? WELL this lil comic is happening while she's unconscious after the elevator incident (after the mimic and all that jazz.) She puts the mask on before the elevator nearly comes to its end- kinda like how one of the paths you take in the mimic chase, you arrive at the Fredbear cutout and put the mask on for some reason. I like to think it's to escape the reality of the situation and what's going on around her to calm herself down, y'know?

However, in the mask she's kinda stuck in a purgatory-like state. She can't take her mask off irl, due to being so badly hurt that she can't move, so she's stuck in this sort of dream/digital purgatory where Charlie's spirit resides.

You remember the FNAF 3 minigames, where you can find hints and secrets to get yourself the happiest day minigame? I like to think Charlie's spirit can enter digital realms like that, as she is pretty much manifest at the end of the happiest day minigame where you see the sprite with the puppet mask give cake to the Golden Freddy kid.

Along with that, in Help Wanted 2, you can find the nightmarionne plush in a variety of minigames, the lobby and even Princess Quest 2, so I took all that and made a Haven for Charlie to reside. It also represents the tree with the graves you see in Pizzaria Simulator + the tree you see in one of the FNAF 3 minigames :> (I forgot which one, I think it's BB?)

But yeah, after that little side tangent (I'm sorry, I rlly wanted to explain that too HSHSHSHSB) it's a place for Charlie to protect the MCI, and she decides to take the chance to protect Cassie aswell, to prevent the chance of the Glitchtrap virus taking over while she's unconscious. What happens after is... Well, I'm not sure BSBSVSVSVCSCS

I'm still plotting the story out, but I want to go the 'Cassie becomes the next Vanny' sort of route, because like alot of my AU, I'm incredibly inspired by a sort of theory? Plot idea? I saw in a video (which also inspired the different head for the Blob SBBSSB) I should really link all the videos that got me coming up with ideas for folks to look though, huh?

ANYWAYS, SORRY FOR HOW LONG THIS IS, I love discussing ideas and such for my AU!! So thank you again for the ask 🛐 If I missed anything, or you have question, lmk!! I'm down to answer!

Also, this comic, the puppet one, takes place a fair bit into the AU. I created it BC I was too impatient to wait to get up to this part JSHSBSBAV I'll HOPEFULLY illustrate the situation better when the comic catches up!

[what-dat-ritalin-do]

#1 (Originally Recorded 8th November, 2003)

Wednesday, 8th Nov 2023.

9:35 AM

Psychiatric help is expensive

I went for my first psychiatry session today. I was about an hour long and it was mostly evaluative. Dr. J said I might have Asperger's as well (as ADHD). After taking into account Ayd's diagnosed mild autism and Gold's very possible autism, he said I have some mild traits, but not enough for a full-blown diagnosis. Either I've gotten a little better at condensing my Life Story™  or he's just really good at knowing what to ask. Probably the latter.

He set me up with Ritalin

3 x 10 mg tablets

Taken every morning with or after breakfast

For 1 month

He said I might experience some heart palpitations and suppressed appetite, so I'm going to eat a bit before I try it. He also said that it may be addictive. So I'll take it with precaution. He did say he hasn't had any problems yet, though.

He also suggested I let S know we should start doing full CBT in our sessions.

5:43 PM

Because the session was at 8 AM, I'm very hungry, but the food at the place I'm in isn't too nutritionally balanced. So I'll eat enough to stay satisfied, then do some groceries. I'll have a balanced meal at home, and then try it. I will update then.

It has been approximately 3 hours and 25 minutes since I took my first dose of Ritalin.

I went on a grocery store run after my last entry and only reached home in the afternoon. I had lunch consisting of the following:

Rice

Fried chicken

Sambal

Cucumbers

Fried tofu

Fried tempeh

Peanut sauce

Chocolate cake ball

Not the most well-balanced meal, but at least it covers all the bases. I took the medication with water

10 mg Ritalin x 3

The medication started to effect about 5 minutes after taking it. As expected, I was told it would be fast. For about 10 minutes, I felt an intense uptick in blood circulation. I could feel blood circulating in my veins. I could hear blood pumping in my head. It was like getting stuck in an ocean current, swept away by a strong, uncontrollable force.

And all of a sudden, it was quiet.

I can hear the blood in my body

And the "current" came back. And the chest pains started. For the next couple of hours, I experienced, consistently, waves of an intense rush of blood flow followed by an equally brief period of complete lucid control. I will describe the states:

A. "Current"/Flurry State

My hands shake involuntarily

Periodic chest pains (ranging from slight to sharp)

Sharp back pain

Occasionally lose focus in vision

Instability (difficulty getting up), loss of balance

Dizzyness

B. Clear State

Enhanced ability to make decisions.

-> I am not frozen/caught in between wanting to do two things at once. I just pick one thing and do it. I clear things (eg: Rubbish) immediately. I don't need to "reason with myself".

Mental clarity to accept some of my tasks are not feasible.

-> Related to 1(B), I can quickly evaluate the tasks I want to completely and choose which one is easiest to complete. Immediate execution.

It is now 6:46 PM. According to Dr. J, the effects of the medication should be wearing off. He said they would last for about 4 hours. I can feel myself coming down from the rush. I can feel a low, restless hum rising but I think it will pass soon. I will return tomorrow with another log.

My thoughts get faster. I am able to structure my thoughts more easily to the point where I could visualize myself presenting them to an audience. I have not felt this way in years.

-> I spent a whole hour documenting my experience and detailing my mental health journey to my friends in our group chat. For once, it was easy to structure my words. I didn't have to draft them out in my Notes app first to make sure it made sense. My messages were coherent as I was typing them out.

-> It felt like my thoughts moved faster than my body. My handwriting feels messier, more rushed. I'm writing like I'm afraid my thoughts will fly away if I don't capture them right now. Even when trying to speak my thoughts, it feels like my mouth can't enunciate the amount of words that want to come out at the speed I want it to. My breath can't keep up with my phrasing.

[desertdaddypsp]

What do you see in Bisuit's eyes?

I'll tell you what I see, but you have to understand that my interpretation of her gaze mirrors what is going on in my head right now.

Biscuit's blank stare says, "Really? Am I really important? I know that people feed me and pet me and take me for walks, but do they really love me? Is any of this real?

That has been my life over the last few weeks. Lost. Confused. Alone. Numb.

I've realized that over the last couple of days, I've been walking around in a fog...kind a dissociative state. I can't really describe it, but I feel fuzzy. Not the good "warm and fuzzy" kind of fuzzy, but the "I truly can't feel anything because there is this fuzz that envelopes me.

People touch me, but it doesn't feel genuine. I hear words, but they just sound like the teacher in the Peanut's cartoons. My affect is non-existent. I should be crying or depressed, but mostly I just feel nothing. I'm simply going through the motions.

I forget things. I'm clumbsy. I'm irritable and at the same time on the verge of tears for apparently no reason. At times, I feel like I'm outside myself, watching me do things but not really participating in my life. Maybe my life is just to hard in which to participate right now. Maybe I've simply checked out. In fact, that's exactly what I've done. Rick is gone.

Taylor Swift has a song a year or so ago called, "Look What You Made Me Do!" In it, she tells a caller that she can't talk to the old Taylor. The caller asks why. "Oh! Because....she'd dead!" That's the way I feel.

What's the genesis of some of this stuff? I think I have a clue. Sobriety and the rooms, money, and self-medication.

How about we talk about the 12-Step rooms first, shall we? First off, we're all addicts and were all fucked up to one degree or another. Some of us have it better together than others, but were all fucked up. We're not always nice to each other. We gossip. We break anonymity. Friendships come and go like water down the drain. Make a friend one day and the next, they don't even know your name or bother to greet you. Then, when you point it out, it's all MY fault and I get the, "I dont' want to be friends with you anymore!" Jeeze. Shades of the elementary school playground.

Now, at the risk of painting the entire room with one large brush, no every one is like that. The are those who are friendly on a consistent basis. The greet you with a smile and a hug no matter what. I wish I could concentrate on those people. But in my try co-dependent fashion, I tend to concentrate on what's wrong instead of what's right. Maybe someday I'll learn. Stick close to that Higher Power, Rick!

When I first came to the rooms, I got all kinds of business cards and offers to call people no matter what time, day or not, if I was tempted to use. Then two weeks later, those same people didn't even remember me. If I didn't know better, I would have sworn that they were all high when the passed me those business cards. Needless to say in the seven months in the rooms, my initial circle of friends is nowhere to be found. Othere have come to fill their places, but for the most part, they have moved on, or relapased, or decided that they wanted friends with "more sobriety" than I had...or they died. Yeah. That happened too.

Do I have a part in this. But, of course I do. I took a friend out to dinner who was just back from a relapse and the shared with me that his sponsor told him that while he like me, he, "Didn't trust me!" That didn't sit well because I knew the person who supposedly said it.

Now a couple of things crossed my mine: 1) the person telling me about the gossip about me was coming from a man who had recently relapsed. His brain probably wasn't firing on my chambers, so I should have taken his words with a grain of salt. (2) I knew that person who hade supposedly said that he didn't trust me and his behavior torward me would have given me no inclination that he distrusted me. I tried to chalk it up to, "What other people think of me is none of my buisness!" but that didn't work. It made me made.

When I get mad, I take action. So, even thougnh I vowed I wouldn't, I texted the violater and asked him if he had said that he didn't trust me. He said that he had no idea what I was talking about, but he knew who shared that Information with me and he was upset. The person who share it with me became upset with me and refuses to talk to me despite my making a sincere amends. Oh, well. Saying you're sorry doesn't always bring forgiveness, but I did the right things.

Now, the recovered relapser says that he won't go back to meetings befause he doesn't want to face his former sponsor. I hate to sound hard-hearted, but that's not my problem. If he deicdes to stay away out of guilt, no matter how much he blames me, he has to take responsibility for that decision to not go back to the rooms.

I'm not proud of myself in the slightest. I'm disappointed that I let my anger get the best of me and ruin a good friendship.

Anger.

Boy, I'm filled with it. Everyday, I become aware of the seething rage that is just below the surface of my smile when I have one. At a moment's notice, I'm ready to take off someone's head in the parking lot of Ralph's or make snide comments when the lady won't move her damned cart from the middle of the aisle as if she's the only one in the store.

How do I cope? Several ways. I've stopped going to meetings and probably won't go back anytime soon. I'm not sure if my sponsor will continue to work with me if I refuse to go to meetings. If I do, I'll seek out meetings where I'm a loner. I'll attend, sit there and keep my mouth shut, and leave. Get the input and run.

I told my sponsor that since working with him, I have seem glimpses of what a happy life can be and I'm not ready to walk away from that. After all, walk away from what toward what? Oblivion? Drinking? Sex? Relapsing? Not such good choices in my estimation and I'm the one making the decision.

But how do I cope? Not in good ways. In my zombie-like state, I have put the gay sex apps back on my phone and I'm a busy little beaver hunting down twinks, and otters, and bears, oh my! I've gone off the deep end with sex. Often it is with different partners sometime 3 times a day.

Why?

Self-medication. If I can get some guy to get me naked and have his way with me, then I get to feel wanted and valued for those few minutes. But, as the door closes, more often than not, I sob. I know that isn't what I want and yet it is compulsive. Take tonight for example.

I started the day of with a little sexual trick with an old friend. It was fun. I like him. But did that satisfy my needs? Hell no

[nanjokei]

all your sycophants telling you to be meaner, nah youre just an asshole. did you like. even read the post in the first place. bc it doesnt look like you did?? i get that it makes you feel cool and good abt yourself to mock other ppls thinking-out-loud type posts but you basically telling them to shut up and keep their thoughts out of The Pure And Perfect Tag™ and then go on to say "oh im autistic ive never gotten the chance to rly speak up and be mean so this feels good" like..... thats so painfully hypocritical. you should KNOW how it feels to be told "shut up no one cares" so why are you doing it to someone else? so im telling you to shut up. youre annoying and no one cares and you shouldnt use other people as punching bags. asshole

did you get it out of your system. that's great. i don't really feel like giving a benefit of the doubt response anymore given after the first ask you decided to go ballistic like this... like, not even being sassy, i could have just responded "are you mad" and published it. but i am a neurotic person who will respond even if it's not in the way i initially set out to. just for you.

just for transparency, here's the first ask i got last night:

hi. i think you are projecting a lot of feelings onto me that i did not express and stretching my original statements. which in some sense, some may see as understandable! i was being less than gentleman-ly! i don't know if this is the op messaging after i blocked them or a friend coming in to give me a piece of their mind, it does not matter. this is something i was gonna say even in the first ask: had i been approached for an apology, i probably would have caved and apologized, because i'm weak to that kind of thing. at the very least even if i didn't agree, i would have wholeheartedly apologized for any distress or trouble. this isn't bull or me trying to flatter my way out of a situation. the response i got— which a friend ended up reading, to be honest i just blocked right away— was thoroughly strange, something something apologizing and being like "idk tumblr tag etiquette" and choosing to delete the original post. which i would not know how to respond to. i'm not some kind of tag police or god of tumblr or whatever, so why apologize to me or delete the post. i am writing this response under the assumption that it could be someone else, but a hit dog will holler, in this one sentence i will address OP directly: that response was strange. had i read it, i would have either ignored it still or apologized, i have no idea, but initial my response really was "but i have no power over this person or anyone". i did not ask for you to clean up your contribution to a tag or police it. i simply stated my opinion on my blog when prompted by a third party expressedly out of earshot of the op. is that a morally correct thing? proooobably not. but it is the internet. "why are you, the person who got hated on, continuing the cycle of hate" type bs might as well be a self fulfilling prophecy. if you feel this way, why send me asks about it at all if you're gonna go ape over me not responding immediately? does it mean so much to you? go ahead and block. i do not argue with people online. but i'll respond because clearly you want one. not gonna prostrate myself before anyone, and respond just as coldly as you are painting me out to be. this is my special fanservice to you, since you wanted to believe that about me so badly.

>pure and perfect tag

i do not check tags for a reason. i checked it one time. i guess this implication comes off of what i said so i'll say it out clearly but i genuinely could care less past the initial pang of cringe what is in there. had nonnie not continued to converse with me i would have moved on ans forgotten about it. i am not a police or a militia. it means nothing to me most days if a tag is "good". who the hell cares. you are obsessing over my existence, my opinion and the weight of such a thing a bit too much over here.

>shut up no one cares

neeeever said this, and no one has ever said this to me. the story i recounted about being called toxic was in the youtube comments and was 5 years ago. no one told me "no one cares". it just hurt my ego. anyway, if someone cared so much to send two asks about it, then thank you. i really won't shut up.

>never got the chance to speak up and be mean

ok.

>my sycophants

it was one nonnie. are you obsessed with me or something? i am like one random ass blogger on a dying website. i do not have an army or cult of personality. i am just one guy.

>end of the ask

heard you loud and clear. thanks for the feedback, not gonna reflect on it much though. it was an asshole move. does it make me an asshole? yup.

it was catty and petty of me. i knew that much from the very first ask i answered. but op wasn't tagged, i didn't send anyone to them either, so i can only really think "what were you doing on my blog anyway". because yes, this is a blogging site, not a pvp site, i didn't engage with anyone to start fights. didn't bring op's name into it, didn't actively mock them (the comment about them not being special was ad hominem though i admit to that much. sorry.)

you cannot expect everyone to be 100% nice and handle people with kiddie gloves in their own blog space when they are not bringing you into it especially given i did not direct anyone to anyone's post.

had it been me i would have just blocked and moved on. pwease no steppy and all that. whoever sent op an ask about it to make them respond is kind of a drama obsessed weirdo lol. like i'm just saying. causing both me and op a headache. it did not have to shake out like this. neither of us were gonna engage with each other and everyone could have gone to sleep without any icky feelings. honestly, from my point of view, both of you are strange. wow, i am barely hiding who i think is behind this ask. but it really is addressed very generally.

don't send me another ask! i will just publish them with no response. this situation was entirely avoidable and i lament that you decided to both waste my time and your own with all this. just block me like i asked!

[nxiousxpsistence]

emotional transmutation appears cruel to some, I wish to find ppl who don't see it that way, and I hope you find ppl who just don't do it

[redacted],

I wanted to write to you. I feel like we left it half way. Sorry if I'm intruding.

I can see now how I left things unsaid in that bubbly, tipsy, ballsy, and hyper state. I was drunk on Pride and, towards the end, pretty high. I was in "protecting my castle" mode and this knight failed to let you know how much you meant (ehm mean) to me.

Your face is still the first thing that I picture in my mind after I wake up from stress-laden sleep. I still find comfort and solace that you exist and I had something of a shot with you.

I miss you. It's there, I can't deny it. All those soppy songs didn't come out of nowhere. I find myself wanting to text you. I'm sad, too. I sing songs of yearning and good byes at the top of my lungs as I dance in the living room with sweat running down my cheeks instead of tears.

I told you about how whatever we had and whatever we shared gave me new life and it's still there for me to cherish. This new me I've uncovered came out partially because she wanted to be seen by you and look good for you. The warmth and softness that made a home in me became a pillow for my weary head on sleepless nights.

I hope my presence brought you some good things, too. I hope we did good by each other even in this "situationship" and where it's landed.

That day, you mentioned how disappointed you were and I couldn't share the sentiment then; I knew it was there but didn't come to the surface. I am disappointed, of course I am, but not in you or myself. I am disappointed that this flower I'd been nursing for you, covering it in lace, more flowers, and some sweet scents in anticipation of the first time we'd share that "touch" - whatever it might be - just couldn't blossom.

I don't regret much in life but I did regret to inform myself that I had to keep my feelings in check. I had to be brutally honest about it on a conscious level as my "toxic" traits had already been crying out rather loudly about how they didn't match what we could have. What I considered normal was toxic to you and vice versa. So it was more about an adult responsibility to protect myself - and although it's not my place to say - to protect you than me backing off from something good on a whim.

I liked you. I still like you. But the yearning bit - however long it may last - is where it should end.

The first day I met you, I wrote: "I love myself and my love for you more than I love you." It may sound quite selfish but I know full well that if I don't feel loved, if I feel I don't respect my own choices, and if my love for you gets tainted by whatever reason, I will not be able to keep a happy presence in any relationship, which, in turn, will make you unhappy.

It's damage control - the last exit before the bridge that'd end up in harm reduction, which I know full well is beyond both of our current capabilities to take on. I'd like you to be carefree, peaceful, happy, and content with whatever you are going through and my romantic or sexual presence there would get in the way of that.

It does make me sad. I'd been alone for too long to still be yearning for someone and not having them with me, but hey, we're old and mature, right?

I'll now talk to my feelings, think about new ways to find joy in things, and get some rest (and sing soppy songs). Then, if we're on the same page, I really do hope we can manage to go forward with and build a good friendship. That's why I'm glad we had that chat in the end, things felt normal, non-awkward. The only thing I can't be for you is your wing man, but I guess that goes without saying :)

You deserve to be deliriously happy. Your heart deserves cuddles. You deserve somebody whom you'll fall in love with exactly as you'd described it to me. You deserve somebody who'll come up with more answers than questions. I hope you find that and I can help you along the way and we can share the drunk gossip as we go on adventures.

Please take good care of yourself.

Thank you.

💕