#I'm feeling body pressure
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Eu sou cringe
#realization#help me#I'm having a depressive episode#my body hurts a lot#I'm feeling body pressure#and I felt my skin hurts#I don't know#my mother telling me to wait for my diagnosis so I can transition gender broke me#imagine you've been telling your parents since you were 13 that you're a trans person#but they still think it's nonsense#I'm going to be 19 oh my God#I don't know how to do anything alone without my friends#my parents and my boyfriend#I miss when I made meme animation#my only obligation was to study and make meme animation#I miss Google+ also I didn't save my google+ files and it hurts a lot#I need friends immediately so I don't have to post this on the internet
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CHALLENGERS (2024) dir. Luca Guadagnino
#challengers 2024#challengers#art donaldson#tashi duncan#zendaya#mike faist#userclara#useraurore#usersavana#usermicky#fyeahmovies#otpsource#userfilm#luca guadagnino#2020s#gifs*#there is a palpable aggression between them in this scene and maybe I'm reading into the narrative more than what was intended#but her hand lingers over his neck like she wants to grip him that way. his hand squeezes at her thigh needily#his biting seems playful but in context feels passive aggressive#there exists a tension in their relationship with tashi's dissatisfaction and the pressure art feels to always be enough for her#idk how much thought was put into the body language here but if any at all i see with clarity
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Yeonjun about the strain he felt while preparing for his debut solo project ✙ "GGUM" MAKING FILM
#yeonjun#choi yeonjun#tomorrow x together#txt#ggum: making film#gifs#creations#userzaynab#useryeonbins#skyehi#rosieblr#megtag#hibiebear#heyiri#ultkpopnetwork#kpopccc#kpopco#this are like the rawest emotions we've seen from him... I feel... it's really sad to watch him like this#i mean I know they're under lots of pressure and stress#It's only natural when you work with so many people who you could potentially disappoint#and I know it was his choice to make this solo project happen now but i feel like the company could manage his schedule better#because why he films till 3 am and then right next day has a flight to another country for a concert...#and now we know from soobin they're super busy again#I'm worried his body will just say 'enough' one day and something bad will happen :(#and you have him work so hard and stress and then all this losers online whose biggest achievement is getting 100 likes on a post#writing the worst things about him for no reason... its not that hard to be kind and you dont need to have an opinion about everything :D#at the end of the day that celebrity you hate so much is still pretty and successful#and you're just a friendless jobless empty-headed rotten fool with likes on a post that mean nothing once you close the ap#I'm just glad all this is still fun for him and that he has such a great support system: his members family staff who care about him and us#all we can really do is support them and send them lots of love fr ;; you've done well my jjunie ily ♥
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when will people stop talking about 'former gifted kid syndrome' like it's just "i used to be smart and now i'm not wah wah wah" and start talking about what it really is, which is "people expected perfection from me my whole life with no support and now i'm struggling as a grown up with no support"
#personal#not tagging this with anything relevant#because i feel like people have very big feelings about this issue and i don't want to hear about why i'm actually the worst person alive y#i don't want discourse just want to vent#ami rants#like it's actually so infuriating to hear people make fun of folks experiencing academic burnout and shit on them just because they feel.#fucking. retroactively offended that they weren't considered gifted as a kid or smth. ik the whole tag system is fucked unfortunately#but like. what do you want me as an individual to do about it. my lived experience has already been lived.#anyways i get really upset when i'm shut down when i try to express frustration or difficulty coping with high academic pressure or#expectation because like. it's a real thing that actively destroyed my body and mh for so many years and how can you invalidate that just#because you struggled with school in a different way than me?????#ALSOOOOOO#as soon as you talk about it a lot of people's instinct to help/express empathy just goes away.#which . IS WHY WE ARE STRUGGLING SO MUCH IN THE FIRST PLACE#BARK BARK BARK ABARK. BARK ABAKRB KABR
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sometimes looking at like Self Help Strategies lists for the symptoms I'm having is always just like:
thing that I already do
thing I have tried 10 times
thing I already do
thing that I don't have the money to do
thing I already do
thing I've been doing since I was 10yrs old to no avail
thing that is impossible given my situation
thing that doesn't apply to me
thing that I already do
thing I have already tried
hrmm, oh wait, maybe finally- OH, yeah.. okay. thing that I already do but it was just phrased slightly differently
thing I have already done
#I think maybe productivity tips help less if the reason you're unproductive is partially like.. physcial health and other extenral things#out of your control. rather than just like having trouble paying attention or spending too much time on tiktok or whatever#all the strategic to do lists in the world are not going to somehow prevent me from waking up with a debilitating migraine or whatever#or having external stressors or lacking resources and connections or other Productivity Essentials etc.#especially many tips involve stuff like 'cut off from social media' since thats the modern day time waster for so many poeple#and it's like.. lol.. i can hardly even maintain a blog even thuogh i actively WANT TO DO SO. 'shut off your smart phone!' already#done babey i fucking hate smart phones i shall never use an app unless i am forced to. 'delete tiktok' yep. already covered. tiktok and#all of those thinsg are my enemies. 'save money by cancelling some of your services' cool. already ahead of you.#who the fuck is out here paying for like 10 different subscription services. pirated videos uploaded to google drive and youtube to mp3#my beloved. etc. etc. and so on. 'socialize less' .........LOL.. if only you knew.. mr.writer of the article. i can barely muster#talking to friends more than once a month and even less if I'm actively sick (often occurence) etc. etc. ... hewoo#I think maybe instead of generic productivity tips I need more like.. how to refocus and be productive anyway even if you have a headache#or are nauseous or etc. Not that those are always things to ignore. and of course you should let your body rest and etc. But plenty of peop#e have mild physical symptoms and just work through them. Ithink something about the way my body/mind is SOO hyper attuned to all#sensory information just makes it like... constantly 'GRR well I cant focus on WRITING right now because my lef#t ear feels weird and my socks are too itchy and my back has a strange pressure and I'm vaguely warm and my eye feels some ssort of#way it doesnt normally feel and I'm hyperaware of my breathing and also nauseous for no reason' and like half of those things I#think '''normal''' people wouldnt even notice or at least would be able to just live through. but for me it's like.. nealry impossible to i#gnore and soooo distracting always. like 'wahh.. nooo we can't draw or get anything done.. my legs feel slightly heavy or something!!'#like............. ok......... who cares. thats not even a PAIN sensation it's just something weird. but it's just like.. NO. constant#mental alerts about the 'heaviness' of your legs be upon ye. Though Imean like.. yes.. 70% of the time I am in genuine pain#or having some sort of actual ailment with trackable physical symptoms. but sometimes it's just like... we could totally be working right#now and ignoring this silly thing but my brain is fixated on it for no reason uncontrollably. etc. etc. I guess it's the same way that like#most people can go to a grocery store without the whole experience being so overwhelming and so much stuff going on at once#that they have to rest afterwards but like.. in my own HOME doing NOTHING i feel like I should be able to not get overwhelmed lol. ANYWAY#Rolling my bastard little rock up a dumbass hill and so on and so forth
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On the topic of hormones, I love trans men, transmasculine people, abinary, multigender people, or whomever else who takes estrogen and trans women, transfeminine, abinary, multigender people, or whomever else who takes testosterone.
There is no "right" way to transition. You don't have to be a perfectly binary, gender conforming trans person in order to take hormones. We all have different levels of estrogen and testosterone, and that means women and nonbinary people don't have to have estrogen-dominant systems and men and nonbinary people don't have to have testosterone-dominant systems. Do what sparks joy and if it's shit, hit the bricks!
#trans#transgender#lgbt#lgbtq#ftm#mtf#nonbinary#i think people who take 'nonconforming' hormones for their gender are so cool 👍#and it's made me so much more comfortable in my own relationship with hormones and my body and how my identity plays into it#because my sense of self is nuanced but i was always under pressure to think 'i'm a man so i can ONLY have testosterone in my system'#and that's shitty because at that point i couldn't transition medically and i felt like less of a man#but the people who are so commited to breaking gender apart with their teeth have made me so much more comfortable#i wish somebody could have been there to tell me my hormones didn't dictate my entire sense of if i'm a 'real man' though#also this isn't an attack on trans men/masc people taking testosterone and the inverse for estrogen#sometimes i see people reading way too into these posts and assuming that the OP is saying they hate 'conforming' trans people#(i'm a trans man* who is transitioning 'conformingly' if anybody is thinking the tags previously are true)#(also i am very content being a trans man who takes testosterone so my gender doesn't feel threatened when a trans man takes E y'know?)#(you don't have to understand it but you DO have to treat them like human beings who have bodily autonomy)
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thinking about marine life and getting so excited i have to remind myself to breathe
#EEEEE I LOVE IT SOOO MUCH!!!!!#like bouncing up and down in my seat. tapping my foot like thumper (from bambi)#LIKE ITS JUST SO SO SO BEAUTIFUL I FEEL LIKE A CRAZY PERSON ABOUT IT#can i show you this article about hagfish slime i've been dying to talk about this article about hagfish slime#i read it on a study break like mid-last year and i'm still like.#HIT ME WITH IT AGAIN YESSSS TELL ME ABOUT THE STRUCTURE OF THE PROTEINSSSSSS#god. god. i know that not everyone is autistic about marine life but i'm still like. how is everyone else not bursting at the seams#with love and adoration and passion and hunger for knowledge about something so beautiful and mysterious!!!!!!!!!#i just!!!! oh God there's so much LIFE. there's so much LIFE in the WATER!!!!#there's a pod of orca whose older females teach younger females how to temporarily beach themselves to hunt the seals that live there.#is that not incredible. aren't comb jellies so beautiful. aren't whale falls so beautiful.#aren't sponges so beautiful. aren't lungfish so beautiful.#aren't sharks so beautiful. isn't kelp so beautiful.#aren't eels so beautiful. aren't manta rays so beautiful. aren't sunfish so beautiful.#aren't deep sea creatures so beautiful.#isn't it so beautiful that even. god i'm tearing up isn't it so beautiful#that even deep deep in the darkest parts of the sea where there's barely any food and barely any oxygen#and there's incredible pressure bearing down on their bodies from every angle. isn't it incredible#how much life is down there. swimming and hunting and living and evolving.#lying in wait and striking and descending upon a whale fall.#scavenging and surviving and even then! there's so much we don't know about them#and so many more animals down there that we don't even KNOW about!!!!#isn't that incredible/???? the amount of things we don't know and how they're still down there anyways. god. what a planet what a life
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hello, hello, you all — so... i hope you all are having a great thursday thus far, and i thought i'd bring this up now since i hadn't before; but with ana's zombification comes some noticeable differences to his behavior as well as appearance. because, and don't get me wrong, he was already pale before... but now anastasiy's skin now has this pallor that takes on a sickly look. and it has become necessary for ana to have to apply some concealer to his skin daily to hide the fact that his lips are, indeed, sort of tinged blue + some veins (particularly around his eyes and mouth) can clearly be seen and it definitely isn't the most uhh. natural look, to say the least JSJSJ
now, i'll probably cover more about his behavioral differences later, but one thing is that this man does have these SICK and TWISTED urges to consume human flesh as a zombie would in typical fiction would... so that's lovely / j LMAO nahhh, i'm totally being sarcastic with y'all right now as that is actually horrifying. but anastasiy does try his darndest to resist giving into this temptation because cannibalism is a BIG no-no in society for a reason (because its absolutely terrible and extremely gross) + with... slightly mixed results 😬
#NO ONE EVER TELLS YOU THAT BRAVERY FEELS LIKE FEAR: musings.#SEE HOW OUR WANTS HORRIFY US: headcanons.#TO SUFFER. IT MEANS GOD IS NEAR. GRACE — LIKE A SCALPEL WITHOUT ANESTHESIA: character study.#ooc post.#yeah so... i'll have you know that i was THIS close to calling ana 'mister man' but then i was like JSJSJ nah i've got to be a littleee more#serious here even though i am pretty much the queen of being sillay by now BC idk how i would make that work while talking about-#CANNIBALISM so... yeah ☠️ but anyways how are we feeling about ana's character so far y'all? but OFC there's no pressure for anyone-#to answer that i'm just genuinely curious NGL haha. because i think that anastasiy is pretty different from peeps like barton-#and blamore in the way that he is still morally bankrupt for killing people as it's NEVER alright and/or justified to do that#in ana's mind however he was torn between two impossible choices and he didn't know that manja's deal would be as bad as it turned out-#to be. but he still has to take responsibility for the fact that he made it and that his moral compass is definitely entirely skewed now#because saving person in exchange for dooming a bunch of others is... 😬 yeahhh i think we all can agree that it's a selfish choice#at the very least#tw: body horror.#tw: cannibalism.#tw: mentions of murder.
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A year without meds has me sitting on my bed going yeah I could take my evening dose but what will I DO while I'm on it? I can't just waste it. So like. It's not quite sunk in yet that I can just take them and I will have more. I can take them and do whatever I want, and whatever it is I do will be done better than I've managed in a year. It's okay if that's video games. I've told way too many folks in the Adhd alien server that meds don't have to only be for work for me to start falling into that trap myself.
#I also felt it screwing with my blood pressure and it was nice to know exactly what was happening#Like oh yes my body is adjusting#Perhaps this side effect never went away truly and I thought I was being attacked by anxiety#They can feel very similar#Adhdax#We'll see if I use that tag at all I dunno#I'm 👀 at my folder of beauyasha wips and ideas but I need to watch some more c2 to whet that knife first I think
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Feeling and looking good 🌈 (Patreon)
#Doodles#Even tho it hasn't been that long it still feels like I while since I've been in my doodle rotation lol just a lower density for a while#I forget if I mentioned the first time my favourite chair broke? It doesn't feel familiar in my head so I'll give a quick rundown lol#I frequent a rocking chair <3 It's the blue one I sometimes draw digitally :D And it's starting to show its age haha#I'm not very gentle on furniture - as evidenced by it breaking Again lol#There's a specific screw in its front-right support that takes the most pressure from me getting up and sitting down#It gets stressed and stretched and is more prone to breaking just from use and it's a very integral piece!#This time it broke Really good like I thought I could fix it myself - I could not lol the screw casing had to be removed from the wood pft#But it's fixed now! Back to rocking :) Yaay <3#Small silly set of wanting attention haha#Got it in small increments! But got it! Fully! Always happy for it haha#What was that joke doodle I made once - something like ''I have to be talked to every [XX] hours or I'll get sad'' lol#I mean it's not Untrue pft#I enjoy it <3#And the last one! Multimedia art actually!! Ah!#The latest CJ the X video about fashion Spoke To Me - I mean most of their work tends to lol but this one...yeah#Being raised in disparate little pockets of culture unfixed from a larger cultural language and feeling lost for it......../yeah/#And I do find a lot of comfort in the question being reframed from ''What do you like'' to ''Who are you? What are you?''#I don't know what I like! Not style-wise not on this body that I'm in possession of! I like what's comfortable but that doesn't Say much#Using fashion as a signal to others that I'd very much like to be viewed a certain way and learning the ''words'' to communicate that! Ah!!#So I looked up some What-and-Who fashions I wanted to emulate and ended up in an outfit of my own clothes that looked really great on me!!#Tank top with rolled-up sleeves on the button down over it - defuser necklace - my favourite black pants and shoes with Tamagotchis hehe#And of course my rainbow bracelet <3 I felt quite handsome :)#It's not something I've done again since with different clothes but it makes me Want to! I want to be seen by those I'm winking at haha#I think it's quite lovely :)
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Having a B3 overdose be like
#for the record im okay now#but an hour ago i thought i was dying of an allergic reaction#i felt like a vampire stepping out into the sun and catching fire#my whole face chest upper back elbows arms had red patches like hives#no itching no swelling no dizziness could still breathe and blood pressure was good#but i felt like i dived into a pool of lava#i seriously thought “oh shit this is spontaneous human combustion im gonna end up in a ripleys believe it or not special.”#“guess ill die!”#still monitoring symptoms in case i gotta hit the er tonight but I'm feeling better#ive been taking b3 for a long time and never had a response like this maybe my body is thinking fuck this shit we're done#i checked off everything ive drank and eaten today and listed my meds im confident its this shit#still gonna go to the docs tomorrow for a follow up#but if i can dodge a 10000+ ER charge to the medical debt i already carry imma do that#im too impoverished for the weewoo mobile guys#murica for ya#anyway if you take b3 watch your six on this shit#(i know i gotta take it seriously but seeing the humor and making fun of myself helps me cope)#magenta is my vent word
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ok. either we have a tmagp exclusive mostly sea based vast adjacent entity or this is just the vast seeping into the tmagp universe.
luke's old non watery band wasn't super successful and he needed money from alice like two months ago while his current 2 watery bands are suspiciously successful. so i think it's probable he's made some sort of deal and/or exchange jennifer's body style to get success. plus a drowning victim with a tape recorder popped up behind their venue and that means interdimensional bullshit to me but i could be wrong
anyways i love my watery boy whatever evils he may have commited
#i'm mostly thinking about this entity#is it vast or is it... idk... the deep#cuz the vast was mostly about infinitely big expanses of water#being infinitely deep and away from the surface#skull crushing pressure in the depths#while the deep seems for now to be mostly about claiming bodies? about things belonging to the sea#the sea has like. a will. and an agency here#and even though the drowning woman talks about infinitely falling down which definitely feels vast like#that doesn't feel like a focus#it's more like#the struggle to stay afloat and the losing battle against the powerful sea#idk. it could be either#or what if#marked is only about “the deep” but well run is a team up#like the vast was drawn to the closest thing to itself when arriving to the tmagp universe#that sounds very plausible#tmagp spoilers#kinda
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I feel like Arcane has definitely messed up people's perception on how mobility aids like crutches and canes are supposed to be used to best benefit the user.
#I mean has house#but wasn't it more discussed in the show?#idk i haven't watched it#but i definitely see a shit ton of people drawing viktor and getting it completely wrong#especially because in the show they animate him using his mobility aids in a way that wouldn't be very helpful to him#why is he using his cane and his crutch on the side of his bad leg instead of the opposite side#I'm not sure if that was an intentional decision or if they really did not know and just never changed it#like there's no way they could make a mistake like that right#but now everyone ever who's watched arcane and either doesn't use or doesn't know anyone who uses a cane/crutch#are drawing it inncorrectly#UGHHH i just get so frustrated with this because it is so prevalent in every media ever#I've probably been only likw a handful of things actually portray accurate use of a cane and/or crutches#it's really fucking annoying.#like good to know none of you have talked to anyone who actually uses the mobility aids you are portraying#and this type of stuff reaches far enough that I get asked about this quite a bit#and i have to tell people no you use it on the opposite side to the leg you are wanting to take pressure off of#you use it in tandem with your hurting/hurt leg#you do NOT use it on the same side as you hurt/hurting leg#that doesn't take pressure off of it and can actually lead you to putting more pressure on it as well as gradually hurting yourself!!!!!#but the problem is that if you animate a character using a mobility aid right they look a lot more abled and less like they're hobbling#so i have a feeling they chose to ignore the fact that viktor is using a mobility aid wrong so they can accentuate his disability#make him somehow ''look even more disabled''#this is completely ignoring the fact that you can still have gait problems with a cane/crutch#i i mean my gait is still off when I'm in a really bad flare up even with my cane#but whatever. if he looks like he's hobbling it really sells the disabled part to able bodied viewers right.
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Is it appendicitis or just fibromyalgia and a stomach bug? Guess we'll see in the morning!
#fuck#nothing like a gradual increase in acute abdomen pain over the course of the week#along with diarrhea and nausea and lack of appetite#tmi#probably#my mom's giving me a ride to the ER in the morning#still have a couple irl friends as mutuals here#not right now because I've yet to throw up and I don’t think I have a fever#probably just not going to sleep so I can be sure I'll be awake when it's time to go#spend the rest of the night by the toilet in case I throw up#she's a nurse so she had me do the test where you put pressure on the pain and then release#at first it didn’t feel any worse#and then#it felt A LOT worse#vent#sorry#I've never had surgery before#and as previously mentioned I have fibro#which is probably going to mean a longer recovery time#did you know fibro can get worse when you have other infections in your body?#I'm currently having the worst flare up I've had in months#and it came out of nowhere#god Im not ready to potentially need surgery#I'm hosting a gala in 2 weeks!#a gala that has been in the works for months!#there might be as many as 40 people there#at least I have MaineCare#so I don’t have to worry about my insurance deciding not to cover it#very deliberatly posting this here and not Facebook#just so I don’t needlessly worry friends and family
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One thing I'm mildly obsessed with is the idea, that we see in a couple of texts, that the Tuatha Dé regularly "put on" another form, even though might have a "true" face or appearance.
Like, how much of that image of perfection that they convey is them naturally looking like/obviously medieval writers writing them to conform to a specific image, and how much of that is them very consciously projecting the image that they WANT to project?
Do they have stretch marks? Do they have lines under their eyes, or dark circles? Do they have scars from battles that took place centuries ago? Do they have laugh lines or frown lines? Like.
#irish mythology#because i'm predictable i'm especially fascinated by like. Bres and Lugh and the image of 'perfection'#Bres with the scars from the boils on his face. Potentially stretch marks from his body being forced to grow too early#potentially some scars from where Eochaid mac Eirc got him in the First Battle#potentially as we get closer to the Second Battle Bres getting very little sleep and developing heavy shadows under his eyes#possibly aging a little bit because he's 40 by the time of CMT. Not the kid he was when he was king#the pressure to conform to a specific IMAGE because it's what's expected and if he doesn't have his looks what DOES he have?#potentially going out to meet Lugh with all of his 'flaws' intact#Lugh feeling all this immense pressure to portray this almost unnatural level of smoothness#because he HAS to be the ideal warrior and champion#he can't show flaws#he has to be 'a cliff without a wrinkle'#I think that in my ideal fancasting like. There'd be this distinctively alien quality to Lugh#specifically BECAUSE it's like he forgets his own humanity#whereas Bres...man's flawed but he's human to the end#mythological cycle
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ogey, adding "digi!ren" (nickname tbd) -- a desktop buddy / ukagaka / shimeji au for ren -- to the f/o list! even if he eventually leaves the top romantic category, he's kyoot :) his tag is 💾 [ live in parallel. ] , and here's his key song lala (his true key song is smth else but. no good lyrics for his tag :/// )
#ALSO! going thru my drafts! i'm just gonna answer outstanding asks without fumbling around how long it's been hhhhh#bc we're all already aware ;;; and i know i'm still gonna be in and out of here while my health is like [gestures] This.#i just want to make the first moves to get things going again ^^ right now more than ever i miss being part of the little#corner of the community i'm in. and thinking about that is a shining light while things seem so dark right now.#also once i'm back in the swing of things here i'm gonna go back and really pare down my carrd. i think i enjoyed selfshipping more#and stressed about it less when i didn't feel like i had to stick to a strict 'plot'. yknow? i'm becoming more aware that i've been#putting artificial writing / organizational pressure on myself here + on the Other Selfship Blog + on the ren blog.#this is for funsies. no anxiety only smiles. (joking but also this is supposed to be fun... not Duty... ;;;)#anyway. again. no promises on anything anymore blah blah i always doom myself when i promise smth while my body is#turning to dust hhghghgh but i'm Starting!!! i love all of the art and writing y'all have posted and ppl WILL see it!!!!#📌 [ my posts. ]#💭 [ my thoughts. ]
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