#I'm feeling body pressure
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Eu sou cringe
#realization#help me#I'm having a depressive episode#my body hurts a lot#I'm feeling body pressure#and I felt my skin hurts#I don't know#my mother telling me to wait for my diagnosis so I can transition gender broke me#imagine you've been telling your parents since you were 13 that you're a trans person#but they still think it's nonsense#I'm going to be 19 oh my God#I don't know how to do anything alone without my friends#my parents and my boyfriend#I miss when I made meme animation#my only obligation was to study and make meme animation#I miss Google+ also I didn't save my google+ files and it hurts a lot#I need friends immediately so I don't have to post this on the internet
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#personal#between having to make an emergency visit to my specalist#one of my coworkers up and leaving for an impromptu trip#one of the doctors trying to pressure me into working on a day off i took for another specialist appointment#suddenly becoming allergic to an antibiotic i've taken before#stressing myself the fuck out because i thought i was gonna have to get a biopsy#and now having the worst body cramps#i'm so fucking done with this week already lmao#i've been trying to rest but i can't because it's just one thing after another after another and it's like !!!#i'm so itchy! and my throat fucking hurts!#the pharmacist looked at me like “oh my god it was that bad?”#yikesssss#any e way#aha... the prowl yes 1k words lets go#also please just ignore this i just need to get my feelings out#(i am in... so much pain)#and i've had to go through all of this alone because my partner is out of town for a work trip#also sorry if this sounds rude but please don't send stuff about your own woes in my inbox after this post laksdjf#i know misery likes company and all but i'm just rambling here i don't have the braincells to get notifs for that rn
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On the topic of hormones, I love trans men, transmasculine people, abinary, multigender people, or whomever else who takes estrogen and trans women, transfeminine, abinary, multigender people, or whomever else who takes testosterone.
There is no "right" way to transition. You don't have to be a perfectly binary, gender conforming trans person in order to take hormones. We all have different levels of estrogen and testosterone, and that means women and nonbinary people don't have to have estrogen-dominant systems and men and nonbinary people don't have to have testosterone-dominant systems. Do what sparks joy and if it's shit, hit the bricks!
#trans#transgender#lgbt#lgbtq#ftm#mtf#nonbinary#i think people who take 'nonconforming' hormones for their gender are so cool 👍#and it's made me so much more comfortable in my own relationship with hormones and my body and how my identity plays into it#because my sense of self is nuanced but i was always under pressure to think 'i'm a man so i can ONLY have testosterone in my system'#and that's shitty because at that point i couldn't transition medically and i felt like less of a man#but the people who are so commited to breaking gender apart with their teeth have made me so much more comfortable#i wish somebody could have been there to tell me my hormones didn't dictate my entire sense of if i'm a 'real man' though#also this isn't an attack on trans men/masc people taking testosterone and the inverse for estrogen#sometimes i see people reading way too into these posts and assuming that the OP is saying they hate 'conforming' trans people#(i'm a trans man* who is transitioning 'conformingly' if anybody is thinking the tags previously are true)#(also i am very content being a trans man who takes testosterone so my gender doesn't feel threatened when a trans man takes E y'know?)#(you don't have to understand it but you DO have to treat them like human beings who have bodily autonomy)
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thinking about marine life and getting so excited i have to remind myself to breathe
#EEEEE I LOVE IT SOOO MUCH!!!!!#like bouncing up and down in my seat. tapping my foot like thumper (from bambi)#LIKE ITS JUST SO SO SO BEAUTIFUL I FEEL LIKE A CRAZY PERSON ABOUT IT#can i show you this article about hagfish slime i've been dying to talk about this article about hagfish slime#i read it on a study break like mid-last year and i'm still like.#HIT ME WITH IT AGAIN YESSSS TELL ME ABOUT THE STRUCTURE OF THE PROTEINSSSSSS#god. god. i know that not everyone is autistic about marine life but i'm still like. how is everyone else not bursting at the seams#with love and adoration and passion and hunger for knowledge about something so beautiful and mysterious!!!!!!!!!#i just!!!! oh God there's so much LIFE. there's so much LIFE in the WATER!!!!#there's a pod of orca whose older females teach younger females how to temporarily beach themselves to hunt the seals that live there.#is that not incredible. aren't comb jellies so beautiful. aren't whale falls so beautiful.#aren't sponges so beautiful. aren't lungfish so beautiful.#aren't sharks so beautiful. isn't kelp so beautiful.#aren't eels so beautiful. aren't manta rays so beautiful. aren't sunfish so beautiful.#aren't deep sea creatures so beautiful.#isn't it so beautiful that even. god i'm tearing up isn't it so beautiful#that even deep deep in the darkest parts of the sea where there's barely any food and barely any oxygen#and there's incredible pressure bearing down on their bodies from every angle. isn't it incredible#how much life is down there. swimming and hunting and living and evolving.#lying in wait and striking and descending upon a whale fall.#scavenging and surviving and even then! there's so much we don't know about them#and so many more animals down there that we don't even KNOW about!!!!#isn't that incredible/???? the amount of things we don't know and how they're still down there anyways. god. what a planet what a life
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sometimes looking at like Self Help Strategies lists for the symptoms I'm having is always just like:
thing that I already do
thing I have tried 10 times
thing I already do
thing that I don't have the money to do
thing I already do
thing I've been doing since I was 10yrs old to no avail
thing that is impossible given my situation
thing that doesn't apply to me
thing that I already do
thing I have already tried
hrmm, oh wait, maybe finally- OH, yeah.. okay. thing that I already do but it was just phrased slightly differently
thing I have already done
#I think maybe productivity tips help less if the reason you're unproductive is partially like.. physcial health and other extenral things#out of your control. rather than just like having trouble paying attention or spending too much time on tiktok or whatever#all the strategic to do lists in the world are not going to somehow prevent me from waking up with a debilitating migraine or whatever#or having external stressors or lacking resources and connections or other Productivity Essentials etc.#especially many tips involve stuff like 'cut off from social media' since thats the modern day time waster for so many poeple#and it's like.. lol.. i can hardly even maintain a blog even thuogh i actively WANT TO DO SO. 'shut off your smart phone!' already#done babey i fucking hate smart phones i shall never use an app unless i am forced to. 'delete tiktok' yep. already covered. tiktok and#all of those thinsg are my enemies. 'save money by cancelling some of your services' cool. already ahead of you.#who the fuck is out here paying for like 10 different subscription services. pirated videos uploaded to google drive and youtube to mp3#my beloved. etc. etc. and so on. 'socialize less' .........LOL.. if only you knew.. mr.writer of the article. i can barely muster#talking to friends more than once a month and even less if I'm actively sick (often occurence) etc. etc. ... hewoo#I think maybe instead of generic productivity tips I need more like.. how to refocus and be productive anyway even if you have a headache#or are nauseous or etc. Not that those are always things to ignore. and of course you should let your body rest and etc. But plenty of peop#e have mild physical symptoms and just work through them. Ithink something about the way my body/mind is SOO hyper attuned to all#sensory information just makes it like... constantly 'GRR well I cant focus on WRITING right now because my lef#t ear feels weird and my socks are too itchy and my back has a strange pressure and I'm vaguely warm and my eye feels some ssort of#way it doesnt normally feel and I'm hyperaware of my breathing and also nauseous for no reason' and like half of those things I#think '''normal''' people wouldnt even notice or at least would be able to just live through. but for me it's like.. nealry impossible to i#gnore and soooo distracting always. like 'wahh.. nooo we can't draw or get anything done.. my legs feel slightly heavy or something!!'#like............. ok......... who cares. thats not even a PAIN sensation it's just something weird. but it's just like.. NO. constant#mental alerts about the 'heaviness' of your legs be upon ye. Though Imean like.. yes.. 70% of the time I am in genuine pain#or having some sort of actual ailment with trackable physical symptoms. but sometimes it's just like... we could totally be working right#now and ignoring this silly thing but my brain is fixated on it for no reason uncontrollably. etc. etc. I guess it's the same way that like#most people can go to a grocery store without the whole experience being so overwhelming and so much stuff going on at once#that they have to rest afterwards but like.. in my own HOME doing NOTHING i feel like I should be able to not get overwhelmed lol. ANYWAY#Rolling my bastard little rock up a dumbass hill and so on and so forth
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A year without meds has me sitting on my bed going yeah I could take my evening dose but what will I DO while I'm on it? I can't just waste it. So like. It's not quite sunk in yet that I can just take them and I will have more. I can take them and do whatever I want, and whatever it is I do will be done better than I've managed in a year. It's okay if that's video games. I've told way too many folks in the Adhd alien server that meds don't have to only be for work for me to start falling into that trap myself.
#I also felt it screwing with my blood pressure and it was nice to know exactly what was happening#Like oh yes my body is adjusting#Perhaps this side effect never went away truly and I thought I was being attacked by anxiety#They can feel very similar#Adhdax#We'll see if I use that tag at all I dunno#I'm 👀 at my folder of beauyasha wips and ideas but I need to watch some more c2 to whet that knife first I think
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can't stop thinking about shannon hanchett's death. i feel sick. i don't even know if something like justice exists for what was done to her.
#like if they call you crazy they will just put you wherever. they will neglect you or torture you or kill you. they dont fucking care.#nobody does#temporarily losing my legal autonomy as an adult via being in the psych ward is one of the scariest things ive ever experienced#and i didnt go thru a fraction of what shannon hanchett went thru. i mean the difference of psych ward and jail too#i was in 4 times inpatient and 1 outpatient as a teenager and it sucked sure. but it was like a playground compared to the adult ward.#but after my overdose age 20 one of the cops got in the ambulance with the EMTs as i was losing consciousness#and the cop rode with us literally pounding on my chest to try and keep me awake and like asking 'who is the president' etc. but#he was hitting me with his knuckles. my breastbone fucking bruised black and blue. it took weeks to fade away#(mastectomy is relevant here bc i have less tissue in my chest than most ppl do. the bones feel closer to the surface)#so yeah that hurt like a mf but i didnt feel it fully in the moment cause i lost consciousness during the 7-10 min ride to the ER.#and then after being in the ER on an IV for ? hours and being moved to the psych ward... they just fucking left me for 2-3 days. i dont eve#KNOW because i dont REMEMBER because i was fucking zonked from all the pills i overdosed on. i had no sense of time at all.#and it turns out one of my best friends was showing up every day & begging/demanding the nurses to put me on an iv bc i was dehydrated#since i was out of it obv not able to eat or drink. and they wouldnt. and she was begging them to check on me or attend to me because they#simply left me in my room for days. no clue if a doctor saw me after i left the ER. my blood pressure was literally 60/30 though.#which was extremely painful thats all i remember of those days. it still hurt so fuckin much the day i finally got up and was semi consciou#like my muscles were being squeezed yet exploding. walking was so difficult. it was some of the worst pain of my entire life#besides some sense memories of incredible pain and discomfort it's like blank from when i passed out in the ambulance until that 3rd day#my friend told me later she didnt even know if i was in a coma or something. they wouldnt tell anyone anything#so then i saw the psych team and i remember seeing the room as if thru a 10 meter tunnel. and the doctor started telling me#how lucid and aware i was. repeatedly. he was like. pleasantly surprised. meanwhile i actually felt like my entire body was about to ruptur#and i KNEW that doctor was implying 'you're so aware and insightful - unlike all those Real schizo freaks here!!!!'#ha ha doc! i'm crazy enough that i could easily tell passive lies & come across as fairly well adjusted (when i wasnt activly spiraling.) s#fucking despised him for that. well i would fight & die for the people who were there w/ me. but i would NEVER fucking save a psychiatrist.#police/psych industry overlap is hell for me to hear about. it makes me so fucking angry i want to scream and just rip all my hair out#the helplessness drives me fucking insane i will never ever trust authority because i know they dont care if i die.#i was the fucking. hysterical womanman with a death wish. of course they didnt fucking care if i died.#i was not fucking tortured like she was tho. what i experienced just pales in comparison to this news story. im not trying to#make it about me it just brings everything back. it reminds me how fucking lucky i am. HOW FUCKING LUCKY I AM TO BE ALIVE AND HAVE AUTONOMY#we're all fucking BLESSED to not be institutionalized rn
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Having a B3 overdose be like
#for the record im okay now#but an hour ago i thought i was dying of an allergic reaction#i felt like a vampire stepping out into the sun and catching fire#my whole face chest upper back elbows arms had red patches like hives#no itching no swelling no dizziness could still breathe and blood pressure was good#but i felt like i dived into a pool of lava#i seriously thought “oh shit this is spontaneous human combustion im gonna end up in a ripleys believe it or not special.”#“guess ill die!”#still monitoring symptoms in case i gotta hit the er tonight but I'm feeling better#ive been taking b3 for a long time and never had a response like this maybe my body is thinking fuck this shit we're done#i checked off everything ive drank and eaten today and listed my meds im confident its this shit#still gonna go to the docs tomorrow for a follow up#but if i can dodge a 10000+ ER charge to the medical debt i already carry imma do that#im too impoverished for the weewoo mobile guys#murica for ya#anyway if you take b3 watch your six on this shit#(i know i gotta take it seriously but seeing the humor and making fun of myself helps me cope)#magenta is my vent word
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i think i just need to rewatch lost.
#that will fix me i think.#because i am doing. bad. i know i have not been keeping this a secret but i feel very stuck and i don't really know what to do.#my general anxiety levels are much higher than they usually are and um. i don't really know why. which then just makes it worse.#and i feel so down and hopeless. i can't make myself feel excited about things. i have hardly any motivation#and no energy to do anything even if i did#like yellowjackets s3 starting production and i just don't feel excited about it and it's making me really sad#and I'm getting upset about things that i feel silly for getting upset about and i can't say anything because I'm embarrassed#for being upset in the first place#i feel so incredibly disconnected from everyone around me it's so hard to talk to anyone#I'm running on autopilot most of the time at the moment#and I'm finding it so hard not to push people away. but at the same time i feel so out of place and I'm dissociating a lot so.#idk whay I'm saying with this#i just feel like i need to get stuff out because i feel so anxious i might explode#and with the weather getting warmer a lot of my physical symptoms are flaring up. anf being in this house is so suffocating#i feel like i can inly exist in this perpetual state of fine. can't be any worse can't be any better#I'm just constantly pretending that I'm just Okay because it's easier than having to deal wirh anything else. but i know I'm really just#causing myself more harm.#I'm done now. just trying to relieve some of the pressure i am feeling in my whole entire body.
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ok. either we have a tmagp exclusive mostly sea based vast adjacent entity or this is just the vast seeping into the tmagp universe.
luke's old non watery band wasn't super successful and he needed money from alice like two months ago while his current 2 watery bands are suspiciously successful. so i think it's probable he's made some sort of deal and/or exchange jennifer's body style to get success. plus a drowning victim with a tape recorder popped up behind their venue and that means interdimensional bullshit to me but i could be wrong
anyways i love my watery boy whatever evils he may have commited
#i'm mostly thinking about this entity#is it vast or is it... idk... the deep#cuz the vast was mostly about infinitely big expanses of water#being infinitely deep and away from the surface#skull crushing pressure in the depths#while the deep seems for now to be mostly about claiming bodies? about things belonging to the sea#the sea has like. a will. and an agency here#and even though the drowning woman talks about infinitely falling down which definitely feels vast like#that doesn't feel like a focus#it's more like#the struggle to stay afloat and the losing battle against the powerful sea#idk. it could be either#or what if#marked is only about “the deep” but well run is a team up#like the vast was drawn to the closest thing to itself when arriving to the tmagp universe#that sounds very plausible#tmagp spoilers#kinda
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You know, I really don't think average penis gets enough appreciation.
Most of the peens I see on the net, or in media in general, are so big! And that's fine, but society seems to absolutely abhor small or average cock. Which is so weird. It's just more body shaming- small boobs, big hips, skinny legs... whatever, it's just bodies. And you can't help what size your cock and balls are... So why degrade someone about it?
I happen to like sex with an average peen the most! It's the most fun IMO.
#penis appreciation#just thoughts#me#peen#body appreciation#body positivity#I think there is a lot of pressure on men to have a big cock#and there is a lot of shame if you don't have a massive bulge#I'm average#and like my set up#but often I feel like it's not enough#boyfriend dick
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Is it appendicitis or just fibromyalgia and a stomach bug? Guess we'll see in the morning!
#fuck#nothing like a gradual increase in acute abdomen pain over the course of the week#along with diarrhea and nausea and lack of appetite#tmi#probably#my mom's giving me a ride to the ER in the morning#still have a couple irl friends as mutuals here#not right now because I've yet to throw up and I don’t think I have a fever#probably just not going to sleep so I can be sure I'll be awake when it's time to go#spend the rest of the night by the toilet in case I throw up#she's a nurse so she had me do the test where you put pressure on the pain and then release#at first it didn’t feel any worse#and then#it felt A LOT worse#vent#sorry#I've never had surgery before#and as previously mentioned I have fibro#which is probably going to mean a longer recovery time#did you know fibro can get worse when you have other infections in your body?#I'm currently having the worst flare up I've had in months#and it came out of nowhere#god Im not ready to potentially need surgery#I'm hosting a gala in 2 weeks!#a gala that has been in the works for months!#there might be as many as 40 people there#at least I have MaineCare#so I don’t have to worry about my insurance deciding not to cover it#very deliberatly posting this here and not Facebook#just so I don’t needlessly worry friends and family
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One thing I'm mildly obsessed with is the idea, that we see in a couple of texts, that the Tuatha Dé regularly "put on" another form, even though might have a "true" face or appearance.
Like, how much of that image of perfection that they convey is them naturally looking like/obviously medieval writers writing them to conform to a specific image, and how much of that is them very consciously projecting the image that they WANT to project?
Do they have stretch marks? Do they have lines under their eyes, or dark circles? Do they have scars from battles that took place centuries ago? Do they have laugh lines or frown lines? Like.
#irish mythology#because i'm predictable i'm especially fascinated by like. Bres and Lugh and the image of 'perfection'#Bres with the scars from the boils on his face. Potentially stretch marks from his body being forced to grow too early#potentially some scars from where Eochaid mac Eirc got him in the First Battle#potentially as we get closer to the Second Battle Bres getting very little sleep and developing heavy shadows under his eyes#possibly aging a little bit because he's 40 by the time of CMT. Not the kid he was when he was king#the pressure to conform to a specific IMAGE because it's what's expected and if he doesn't have his looks what DOES he have?#potentially going out to meet Lugh with all of his 'flaws' intact#Lugh feeling all this immense pressure to portray this almost unnatural level of smoothness#because he HAS to be the ideal warrior and champion#he can't show flaws#he has to be 'a cliff without a wrinkle'#I think that in my ideal fancasting like. There'd be this distinctively alien quality to Lugh#specifically BECAUSE it's like he forgets his own humanity#whereas Bres...man's flawed but he's human to the end#mythological cycle
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"how was your reading break" oh you know. my resting heart rate went up by about 10 and i cannot sleep for more than 6 hours per night because i have nightmares
#i feel an immense pressure on my entire body.#like i'm chilling but i'm also so aware that i'm sitting here literally shaking#heart rate at 90 while i am truly just. sitting here#lot of reasons. i know most of them#but damn lmao. help#hurgle says things
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it's one of the worst feelings to have had so much muse and energy to write all day and then sit down, and it all goes poof!! like what do you mean poof -- i was gonna bombard people tonight :(((
#i'm actually a lil mad at myself rn bc i know part of it is knowing i should try to sleep a lil earlier tonight so that i don't feel awful#bc my sleep really has been terrible this week and i feel it#but watching the clock is putting my brain in that state where it feels like it can't do anything at all + the general fatigue#it's just frustrating bc there's so much that i'm excited about and so many ideas that i have#i even started writing a lil drabble?? if i can call it that bc i was thinking about kojirou and chiyo's reunion#but maybe i'll just write a hc since that's less pressure#but pls know my slowness isn't a sign that i'm disinterested!! it's a sign that my body and mind aren't cooperating ;;;;;#get ready to ramble | ooc
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thank god the consultant dismissed me as another case of anxiety induced hysteria otherwise my intense two hour episodes of nosebleeds and nausea where my blood pressure rapidly fluctuates by a range of up to 45 points in a short amount of time and back again would be something to be genuinely concerned about!
#:)#yeah yeah im a scared weirdo whose lack of emotional regulation made some erroneous readings happen#but also idk if it's cool that whenever i get a cold my blood pressure acts like a shitty remix played by an amateur dj at a boiler set#hashtag whining because i've lost what feels like half my body weight in blood and i feel like shit about it#maybe my post-covid damage theory from way back might have some staying power idk..........#can't even eat too much to replenish because i'm close to my kidney salt limit for the day and i'm so cranky and tired.............#sugar free fruit juice save me...........save me sugar free fruit juice......................
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