#I'm due for my pelvic exam

[the-witch-of-one-piece]

If there was a hospital and all these fine ass mofos worked there I ain't being discharged ever. I will be sick all the time. *cough cough*

[insipid-drivel]

My Surgeon Ghosted Me For Having A Panic Attack

My surgeon ghosted me, devastated me and my family, and I only found out through their legal representative 2 weeks before a surgery I've been begging and waiting for almost 20 years for.

I'm a 32-year-old trans person with PTSD and a very, very rare mental condition called DDNOS-1B. Since I was 13 years old, I've been fighting for a hysterectomy both for my gender identity, and to cure a horrendously painful and life-threatening condition called Menorrhagia that causes me extreme agony and to spontaneously hemorrhage when I menstruate. I've been hanging on to life by my fingernails, and my own surgeon just stomped on my hands.

Today, with just 2 weeks before my surgery date and my insurance approving of everything, I received a call from my OBGYN's legal representation accusing ME, the patient, of accusing my OBGYN of assaulting me when I had a panic attack during a routine pelvic examination so my insurance would cover most of the medical bills of my surgery.

While I was panicked, I partially dissociated and one of my male alter personalities - who I had already told my OBGYN about in appointments before the examination - experienced the examination with me. In addition to having been assaulted by a previous doctor during pelvic examination years before, I'm trans, and the alter personality that manifested is staunchly male and found the sensation of the examination alarming. While trying to calm down from a panic attack and gain control of myself again when the pelvic exam was over, I followed my therapist's guidance to verbalize my emotions when I felt my trauma manifesting again, and said, "That felt violating," to myself without really thinking. I was on Valium specifically for the examination due to the severity of my trauma, but still panicked enough that I babbled the words without thinking, and asked to please be allowed to go home if my OBGYN had gotten everything they needed from the appointment.

My OBGYN confirmed they'd gotten what they needed, said, "I only want to help you," while I nodded and could only stare at the floor and tremble while I gathered my things to leave. My ears were ringing. I was fighting tears and hyperventilation. It was a normal pelvic exam, but they just happen to be triggering for me because of my past trauma. When I'm that stressed, I become functionally mute and can't speak at all if I can't relax. It took me 3 days to fully relax after my OBGYN's examination, but in no way did I feel like they had behaved inappropriately or been too rough or forceful with me. It was just an experience and sensation I don't tolerate well without re-experiencing my past trauma. I wanted to go home, recover psychologically from an odious and frustrating panic disorder, and prepare for the surgery that, I hoped, would make my quality of life better than it's ever been.

I was not aware that I had to be responsible for my doctor's feelings when I was the patient in distress, and now feel that there is no way for me to receive the surgery I need unless I can magically do it without showing any fear or trepidation that could be misinterpreted by medical professionals and send them running to their lawyers for instructions.

Today, I received a phone call from my OBGYN's legal representative, just 2 weeks away from my surgery, announcing that my OBGYN had canceled the appointment and come running to them with fears that I would file a malpractice suit. I was forced to write a humiliating apology letter to my OBGYN's legal representation trying to set the record straight - that I hadn't accused my OBGYN of anything and thought they provided me with the best care they could, and it was my own reaction from pre-existing trauma that had been witnessed. Nevertheless, I could not have felt more betrayed, embarrassed, or shattered. I've needed a basic hysterectomy since I was 13 years old and have spent my entire reproductive life begging doctors and surgeons to please perform it, but have been refused every time because of my age, my gender, and/or the fact that I hadn't had any children myself and "would change my mind" as I got older.

I never changed my mind about having children. I don't want to, because I am trans, and my body needs work done on it before I can feel truly like I'm comfortable in my own skin. Now, I don't think that will ever happen.

I'm writing to different news outlets and here because it is absolutely unconscionable that a licensed medical doctor could tell me to my face that my dream since age 13 of being pain-free and living with a body that feels normal was going to be realized… only to send their legal representation 2 weeks before the date to tell me that, because I panicked and babbled the wrong thing TO MYSELF that the doctor found threatening to their job security, my dream was gone. It would've taken just one question, "Are you okay?" from my OBGYN to clear up the direction my babbled words were aimed in, but instead, they assumed I was accusing them of something horrendous, and terminated my care without bothering to tell me why, or that they were going to do it at all.

My family is absolutely devastated. I'm devastated to the point that I just feel numb. My mother has been inconsolable, as she's nearing 70, can't retire, and has been my only caregiver for most of my life because of the severity of my disabling pain caused by a part of my body that, as a trans person, every fiber of my being screams isn't supposed to exist. I feel deeply discriminated against, and like we now live in a state where, regardless of how distressed you are as a patient, you must perform to a certain standard to receive the attention and dedication of your own doctors. You're allowed to be traumatized and struggle with it, but only so long as your doctor feels completely exempt from what triggers you, and that you have to shut up and take any procedure you're required to endure for further care without showing any fear or pain.

Is this really the case? Are our doctors getting so scared of their own shadows that people like me can have their care terminated on the grounds of Not Being Brave Enough? I thought that I was safe to be trans and seek gender affirming AND medically necessary care without discrimination by medical professionals in Washington - my birthplace and the only place I've ever really called home - but now I feel like there's nowhere I can go to receive the care I need, and would be better served if I waited until I developed a terminal illness and used my right to Death With Dignity to end my life on my terms than bother to go to the doctor again for preventative care and regular checkups. What's the point? If I have one panic attack and say the wrong thing trying to comfort myself, I'll lose my doctor completely.

Why is it taking almost 20 years or more for a single doctor in Washington State to perform a hysterectomy on a desperately, desperately willing patient that also medically needs it? What is going on? Do all transgender Washingtonians deal with this level of discrimination and hand-wringing from their doctors? If I weren't trans, or didn't have DID, would I finally receive the care I need? Or is it really a matter of having to be the emotional support for your doctor in order for them to feel cushioned and safe enough to do an effective job in caring for you without them getting spooked and clutching their licenses like they're a breath away from being revoked?

Why am I, a disabled layperson on SSI that can barely even get out of bed most days, forced to be emotionally responsible for my doctor's sense of job security when I'm the one coming to them for help? It's been 20 years, and all I need is a hysterectomy! Not a single surgeon in 20 years will help me, my family has been destroyed by this, and I don't know what to do anymore but cry for help from the press and public to shed light on what is, at least in my experience, an increasingly broken, dysfunctional system that I fear is going to get me, and people like me, killed.

My state should be better than this. For how proudly my state's representatives boast about Washington being a shelter state for women and LGBTQIA+ people fleeing other states, why won't anybody help me? Have I been secretly blacklisted somehow from receiving the care I need? How is it that our doctors can just ghost us while accusing us of POTENTIALLY taking legal action against them? And why on god's green earth was I spoken to as though I was a criminal that had just been stopped from committing a crime and forced to apologize?

Just… what the hell? If this isn't worthy of a little attention from the journalists in my state, I don't know what is. I need help. I need surgery. But I can't even so much as show a little fear - much less talk myself through a panic attack - without my own doctor dropping me as their patient after promising me that the surgery I needed was going to happen. How can a patient even address this? Who do you call when you can't find a doctor because you're too traumatized to make your doctor feel secure in doing their job?

I want to live, my family is suffering, but I can't find a single surgeon that will help me. Is it this bad for everyone?

[heartfucksmouth]

spent the night in the ER. As we all may or may not know, I got an IUD placed in Oct when I was 4 months postpartum.

I've been bleeding ever since. Not "spotting," but bleeding. Heavily. I've had ultrasounds to check on the position - it's in place. at 6 months of bleeding, I was put on Junel Fe to see if it would calm down. Nope. I started getting cramping so bad, I thought I had another cyst burst. I was getting really big clots/tissue.

Back to the doctors, I'm taken off Junel and put on doxycycline bc I guess it can slow the bleeding? and an ultrasound is scheduled for the first week in June, where, after imaging, I'd most likely have it taken out.

well, 3 days later and I'm bleeding so heavily and passing tissue like I've given birth. I bled through a heavy overnight pad in 3 hours, and left a blood pool on my cough 6 inches wide. the tissue I passed was like the size of my palm. I called the on-call midwife and she told me to go to the ER.

So, new pants, fresh pad (heavy flow overnight ~guaranteed 10 hours!~, I go to the ER and I'm ofc crying bc I didn't know wtf is going on and I hate leaving Aidan. I think I sat in the waiting room for less than 2 hours, getting up twice to get vitals and bloodwork done. When i got up to be wheeled to ultrasound, I realized I had bled through my pad and my pants again. Badly. I told the attendant while holding up my blood covered hand and he just went "oh. I'm sorry" LOL K

The tech tells me to get undressed and get on the table etc and I'm like "um, I'm bleeding like really really bad.." she was just like "it's fine" and left. I'm crying a little, and I pull down my underwear and I shit you not, felt clots and blood just gush out and splatter on the floor.

Now I'm sobbing bc there's nothing for me to clean it up, I can't find a trash can, and I just keep bleeding anyways, so I put some paper towels over the murder scene on the floor and lay on the bed, covering my face with my arm unable to stop crying. the tech is a cold bitch as usual and then I'm told to get dressed (in my bloody clothes thanks!) and sit in the wheelchair to be picked up.

the attendant. brings me back. to the waiting room. WHICH HAS BEEN PACKED WITH PEOPLE BY THE WAY! I'm crying still, and I get out if the chair and go to the desk to be like "hi I'm bleeding through my clothes??" but the male nurse grabbed and was like "THERE YOU ARE! I've got a room ready for you! I tried to call ultrasound but they didn't answer. what were you looking for?" and I just mumbled that I didn't want to get blood on the furniture as I followed him.

he had the nurse get me mesh underwear and pads and it was the first time I felt like someone empathize with me. he said "it's gonna be ok" with a reassuring look, and left.

I waited a while in there. listening to the ridiculous chaos that they were dealing with, all definitely more acute than me - esp bc my bloodwork showed I wasn't bleeding out or anything. a man with dementia was being aggressive with the staff even though he had broken ribs and a pneumothorax and had been dosed with fentanyl. he kept trying to dismantle his bed, almost broke his foot, and I was just waiting for one of the nurses to get hurt.

I got a pelvic exam, and the doctor used about 12 gigantic swabs trying to get all the clots he saw. he said "yeah i see what you mean, it's a slow constant ooze" wow, I feel sexy.

ultrasound was apparently clear, and he asked if I preferred to go home for the night or stay -bc he wanted me to be seen by obgyn within 2 days. I chose to go home. it was after midnight. I asked for scrubs to go home in and thankfully got some.

my ultrasound showed my right ovary was fine, no torsion,cyst etc. then "suboptimal view of left ovary due to secondary location"

sorry What. also my uterus is LARGE and my endometrium is thickened to 11mm AND THATS AFTER 7 MONTHS OF BLEEDING THAT i KEPT GETTING TOLD WAS My UTERINE LINING THINNING OUT BC THATS THE IUD'S JOB

all I can think is endo/adenomyosis/cancer.

so I'm getting this thing (the iud) taken out. I want my hormones checked. and the dr im seeing already said i can get a hysterectomy or my tubes tied or whatever. and I can't stop thinking of my aunt who died of ovarian cancer bc they failed to catch it in time despite her going to doctors constantly with symptoms.

I'm really scared,actually. my history of medical trauma is on hyperdrive. I feel like I'm failing my kid. I'm not capable of being the mom I want to be. I feel betrayed and sabotaged by my body again. I also can't think straight whatsoever so I could be misunderstanding the meanings of things.

just don't kill me you piece of shit meatsack. not now that I've been trying to actually stay alive.

[spaghettificationandpretzels]

The Reaper and the Death Angel Part 63

A quick sidenote, this is a bit hard for me to write as I can't relate, so please bear with me.

This will be the last few days to have a say in the wedding https://forms.gle/Zp4zc7CjQ7oSr6fs9 in four days the form will be closed so get into while you still can.

Part 62 Snippet 7 - The Victor

Series Masterlist

Contains: Fluff, smut, mild angst, hurt/comfort, non-graphic descriptions of pregnancy and C sections.

8.5 K words

Comment if you want to be tagged/removed or follow #the reaper and the death angel.

“Perfection only exists in babies and pastries.” – Gayle Wray

One hundred and fifty days till the due date.

Ima groaned, "This sucks, I thought the second trimester was suppose to be easy." Sam went to fuss over her and she glared at him, "this is your fault, don't look all sad."

You huffed, "Everything they say about pregnancy is bullshit. You're forming a human right now, nothing is easy about that." You turned to Sam, "and you, stop it. Ima isn't an invalid, she's going to kill you if you don't calm down."

Sam rubbed his face, "sorry, I'm being suffocating, I'll try harder."

Ima's shoulder fell and she opened her arms, "it's alright baby, I just need a bit of space."

Sam happily accepted her hug, "I love you so much."

You sighed, "I need to get to work, I'll leave you to dote on each other in peace."

****

"Ok, what am I looking at?" You looked over the rotten remains while Holt stood by.

"I thought you could tell me, they found them in an old well in Massachusetts. The local sheriff is worried this is going to create some kind of witch panic." He didn't sound impressed.

"Judging by the pelvic inlet, the skull fracture and the piles of beer cans in our pile of evidence, I think it was a death by misadventure, but I will tell you more when I'm finished with my exam." At least you'd be home by dinner with this one.

"Thank you Dr l/n. Also, I think a congratulations is in order, Anvil getting that defence contact is an impressive step." The pride was clear in his voice.

"Thank you Raymond, although I'm sure you'll get sick of hearing Travis talk about it."

****

"Hey darlin, how's your day been?" Jax stood against the door frame of your office wearing his trademark Teller smirk and his oil stained T-M shirt.

"Good, even better now that you're here. What about you?" You could tell where this was heading.

"Good, I got all my jobs done today and Travis said you finished with your post so I'm thinking maybe we could go somewhere more private and talk about the wedding." Talking about the wedding had come to mean something very different.

"The Egyptian room is free, you wanna head down there?" With all the stress of Club life fading, there was so much more time for more enjoyable activities.

Jax licked his lips, "yeah, that sounds good darlin."

You hopped up and took his hand as you left the room, Jax's eyes on your ass as you led the way to the archive. Travis rolled his eyes as you waved to him and pointed towards the door that led to the back of the museum, knowing he would turn the cameras off.

"How much public sex do you think he's seen?" Jax clearly was in the mood to brag.

"I have no idea, I've seen heaps, scientists are freaks." You knew that would get a response out of him

Jax squeezed your hand a little tighter and leaned in close as you entered the back rooms, "oh, I know."

The excitement built in your chest as you crossed the threshold of the Egyptian room. It was the size of a large living room with the bed in the middle and you had to flip in the light as you closed the solid wooden door. Jax's hand moved from your hand to your forearm, stopping you from reaching the bed as he spun you on the spot, "I guess this is the closest I'll get to all those ruins you talk so much about." He leaned in as he spoke, his lips brushing yours.

"No, if you want to go, I can get us out of the country, we can go anywhere you want." You closed the distance and kissed him, Jax smiling against your lips.

He pulled back, his eyes filled with affection, "as long as you're with me I'm happy."

"What's gotten in you? You're sweet talking me like I haven't already given you my heart." You rubbed his nose with yours and Jax stepped towards the bed.

"Nothing darlin, I'm just making sure you know how lucky I feel to have you." He went with you as your knees hit the side of the bed.

"The feeling is mutual my love but don't think I don't know what you're doing."

Jax smirked, "and what is that?"

You gripped his shirt in your fists and shifted your weight to throw him on the bed, Jax bouncing as he caught himself, "you're buttering me up hoping that I'll make your life easy, that I'll let you feel like a king while we fuck in Cleopatra's bed but you'd be wrong."

Jax licked his lips, "I don't know, this feels pretty king like." Only Jax would say that with a woman looming over him.

"Oh Teller you insufferable arrogant. You're going to push me too far one day and I swear I'm going to…."

"You're going to what darlin? You're the one that stressed all that time with Anvil that big and strong beats small and smart when it comes down to it. We're on equal footing now." This was another new development, now that his insecurity was gone, his ego had only grown.

You climbed on top of him and buried your head in his neck, scraping your teeth along his jugular, "now now Jackson, we both know that's not true." You ran a hand down his body to grope his hard cock through his jeans and Jax grunted, his eyes growing hooded. "On the pillows and I might take mercy on you."

Jax didn't bother replying as you stood up to allow him to move. He did, however, recline on the pillows like he owned the place. You swung your leg over his hip and straddled him, raising an eyebrow and shoving his hands away as he went to take your top off before removing it yourself.

Jax's eyes raked over your chest and he licked his lips, "what a view."

You shook your head, "keep you hands on the bed or I stop." Jax's jaw clenched, you knew you'd be in for the next time.

Jax grabbed fists fulls of the sheets before smirking at you, "you gonna do anything about my dick or are you just going to leave me hanging?"

You smiled softly and bent at the waist, pulling him into a kiss before sinking your teeth into his lower lip. Jax chased your lips as you sat back up, you tugged his shirt upwards, "get this off."

Jax sat up just enough to get his chest bare before flopping back down and returning his hands to the sheets. You got comfortable, kissing his face as you made your way to his neck, stopping to nibble a bruise into the skin. You went to his chest next, kissing across his collarbones and down the middle of his chest before kissing over his Abel tattoo then the scars for his prison stabbing.

You kissed random parts of his abs, Jax's breath hitching as you kissed a line down his happy trail. You worked quickly to undo his pants and yanked them down along with his boxers as his cock sprang free. "Don't be too mean to me darlin, you know my heart can't take it."

Jax was powerless against you, he had admitted himself many times. You smiled down at him before dropping your head and licking his cock from base to tip in a flat stroke, then wasted no time in taking his cock in your mouth.

"Fuck." Jax exhaled and bucked his hips as warmth engulfed him. As Jax tried to catch his barings, you ran your hand up his body and dug your fingers into his firm flesh. You took him further into your mouth, pausing to adjust but just as you got comfortable but Jax hit his breaking point and lifted his hand off his bed.

You pulled off him and shot him a look, "what did I tell you about your hands Teller?"

His chest was heaving and his hand moved to your cheek, "I'm sorry darlin, I couldn't help myself."

You shook your head, "yeah, I could tell. Self control has never been your strong suit." You pressed your lips to his hip before pulling off your bra, lifting his hand to your breast, and straddling his hips.

His other came up to join to first one and you sighed as his fingers brushed your nipples, "I'm only a man, you can't blame me."

The kiss was gentle this time and Jax's arms wrapped around you to pull you close, "I'm immune to your charms." You sat up, shoving Jax down as he went to follow you, "don't even think about it." You haphazardly tugged your pants off, and Jax's eyes locked onto the hem of your panties.

"This is doing things for me." Jax's voice was filled with gravel.

You smiled at him and made a show of removing your underpants before swinging them around on one finger "yeah, I can tell. You keep being insufferable, if you keep this up they'll be going in your mouth next time."

Jax swallowed, "darlin please, you're killing me here."

You took his hand in yours and placed it on your inner thigh before raising your eyebrows, "well, I'm waiting."

Jax got the message and slid his hand up further, running his fingers through your slit with a groan, "fuck you're wet. This seems to be doing things for you too."

You sighed, sinking into the feeling as Jax circled your clit, "you're pretty when you beg."

Your eyes shot open at the welcomed push of Jax's fingers, "bold words for the one who's usually the one doing it." It was clear by his movements he was trying to make you lose your composure.

"Careful Teller." Jax didn't stop and you rocked your hips as his thumb found your clit but just as that telltale feeling started to buzz at your insides, you wrapped your hand around his wrist and squeezed. Jax stopped, his eyes going from where his hand joined your body to your face.

You smiled down at him and pulled his hand away, Jax relaxing when he realised it was all part of the game. You kissed him sweetly one last time before gripping his cock and rubbing it up and down your slit, "ask me nicely."

Oh, you were really going to get it when Jax recovered, "please darlin, I want you so bad."

Had he been disingenuous you would have paused but the desperation in his voice was real, "ok my love." You sunk down on him and bit your lip to stop you from moaning as you bottomed out.

One of Jax's hands gripped your hips while the other made its way to your centre, his fingers stroking your clit in gentle circles as you rocked your hips back and forth. Jax's eyes fluttered shut as you picked up the pace and his jaw clenched as a grunt pushed its way out his mouth. You placed your hands on his chest and Jax fought the urge to flip you over a take control, his mind jumping between enjoying this and his ego.

He settled for bucking his hips into you, the satisfaction oozing in as you gasped when he hit your G-spot on the upstroke. You didn't falter when Jax's fingers sped up, intent on not giving him the win as the edge grew ever closer.

'Fucking hell darlin." When your eyes opened, you saw that Jax was looking at you like he wanted to eat you alive, his eyes filled with lust as they moved up and down your body in a languid pass.

You smiled down at him then slowed slightly, wanting one last blow before the orgasm took you, "is everything alright dear? You seem out of breath."

The hand on your hip squeezed hard enough to bruise and Jax slammed into you from underneath, grunting as you steadied yourself on his chest.

You matched Jax's pace, barely holding yourself up as the wave hit, "touch yourself." Jax's word registered and the second your hand landed on your flesh, he was grabbing your hips with both hands and chasing his own high.

Jax let out a feral grunt and bucked his hips one last time before he fell still with his chest heaving. You flopped down on his chest and his arms wrapped around you, "what got into your darlin?"

You huffed, "you might not know this, but I'm used to bossing people around."

Jax chuckled and pressed his lips to your cheek, "I know, I've seen it. You like bossing me around too."

His tone was full of affection and his hand ran up and down your back as you replied, "yeah and you're clearly thinking of me naked every time I do."

"Hey, it turns me on when you go all GI Jane." That much was true by his reaction today.

"I'll keep that in mind for next time but right now I need to go back to work." You didn't want to climb off him, in fact a nap sounded wonderful.

"Ten more minutes darlin, I'll even help you change the sheets." Jax clearly felt the same way.

"You would have done that anyway but you win, ten more minutes." You rolled to your side and Jax pulled you into his arms.

"I love you darlin." His lips on yours were soft as he kissed you.

"I love you too Jackson."

One hundred and thirty-four days till the due date.

"Sam, Sam did you hear me?" He looked lost in thought, "Samual."

His head snapped towards you, "sorry. What were you saying about the wedding."

You sighed, "I was saying that you need to figure out if you're going to call it a night when Jax and I do so we can lock up the property or if you're going to help clean up."

He rubbed his face, "yeah sorry. Can I decide on the day? I'd rather wait and see what the baby is doing."

You nodded, "of course. Something else is on your mind and I just know it so hurry up and tell me before I drag it out of you."

He huffed, "nothing gets passed you. I'm just stressed y/n, I got a baby coming, I didn't think it would worry me so much. I know I should be elated but every new ultrasound photo just fills me with dread. Don't get me wrong, I want this I'm just so scared I'm going to fuck it up."

"How so? It's a baby Sam, not a souffle, they are kinda hard to fuck up." That didn't seem to comfort him.

"You know how little they are when they come out, what if I hold them wrong or miss a feeding or don't…" His voice caught.

"Have you talked to Ima about this?" Sam had been going back and forth from joy to worry since Ima started showing.

"Yeah, she thinks I'll be fine." The warmth he felt for her was clear in his voice.

"Because you will be. This is nothing new for you, you were great with Abel and this is no different. If I was worried, you know I would tell you and I'm not worried. You're not our father, you're not going to fuck the baby up trust me." You placed your hand around him and he leaned against your shoulder.

"How do you not live in fear every second of the day? We've seen how horrible the world is, it's filled with horrors and evil people. How am I suppose get up in morning knowing that I can't keep my child safe?" You knew that worry would never fade.

"Who says I don't. All I know is that I'm going to do my best to prepare Abel for whatever life throws at him, what happens after that is up to the powers at be." You didn't want to dwell on that too much.

"Yeah, I guess you're right. You must be getting sick on having the same conversation with me all the time." He sounded weary.

"No, I'll have it with you another hundred times if you need me to."

One hundred and ten days till the due date.

"How's work been?"

You sighed, "So busy but the grant came through so we're getting more staff soon. What about you?"

Ima mirrored your sigh as her hand went to her growing belly, "we haven't stopped, I swear I must be producing five videos a day now. Between requests and those education videos you suggested we never have a break but at least I'm sitting down." A smile flashed on her face suddenly and she flapped her arm, "give me your hand."

You did as she asked and she slid your hand over her belly, the flutter of little feet patting against your skin, "wow, the baby is kicking."

Her smile grew but she looked deep in thought, "Thank you for being such a great sister, I don't think many people would be ok with their little brother having a family with a porn star."

You removed your hand from her belly and wrapped her in a hug, "I don't care one bit, you and Sam love each other and this baby is going to have a great life, that's all that matters."

Ninety-four days till the due date.

Knock knock

"Come in." You took a deep breath and opened the Chapel door, doing your best to keep your face neutral but it seemed Sam already knew something was up the moment he met your eye. 

"I know that face, that's the better to beg forgiveness than ask permission face. What do you want sis?" 

You smiled and walked over to Jax as Rat pulled a chair beside him, "so as you know, I'm still writing my book on the Red Pill. Well, I realised that I'm leaving a woeful gap if I don't see these men in their natural habitat but I won't go to one of their hunting grounds for fear of my own safety so I did a thing." 

Jax had a terrible feeling, "what did you do darlin?" 

He could tell by your face it was bad, "well I went on to one of their forums and told them this place would be a slutfest, those were my words, this Wednesday. My plan is to make sure all the women here are from Anvil and watch them try to interact. The women have already agreed and I already have a small party planned. I'm not coming to ask, I'm coming to tell you that the Club owes me and this is me collecting." 

Jax clenched his jaw, "you sure everyone will be safe?" 

You nodded, "I'm positive, you have no need to worry." 

Sam clicked his tongue, "do you want us there?" 

You shook your head, "not you, everyone else can come if you want but please stay home if you feel you can't stop yourself from becoming violent. Some of my guys will be there to play Red Pill creeps so it looks real and one of the gentlemen who you met through your training will play my online persona. I'll be in Juice's Batcave to observe through the hidden cameras and audio and to talk to my plants."

Jax sighed, "you're not even asking permission, you're just telling us how this is going to go." 

You nodded, "yes, as I said, you do owe me." 

Jax rubbed his face and took a deep breath, "fine but you better make sure they don't come back." 

You smiled, "oh, don't worry, they won't, Some of the money's been linked back to a crypto coin that's less than legal and I may have tipped some people off."

Jax chuckled and looked around the room, "I think we can give our Clubhouse to a good cause for the night, all in favour?" 

Their hands went up slowly, Sam's going up last with a shake of his head, "alright darlin, you can have you fun." 

****

You slid next to Juice with a smile, "I'm surprised you came, I thought this would be too much for you?"

Juice shook his head, "Jess and I want to adopt one day, I need to know what my kids are going to be dealing with." Juice looked over the screen, "it all looks good, you think the guys will be able to stick to the scripts you gave them?"

You nodded, "yeah, they've had plenty of prep. Plus they've all got ear pieces and codewords in case they get stuck. I can talk to one and type stuff for you to tell another person at the same time."

Juice sighed, "I guess this is where the fun starts."

You smiled, "yes it is."

****

"I would pay money, cash money to see this go down with these women organically." You were happy the night was coming close to its end.

Juice huffed, "we met some of them, it would be a bloodbath."

You chuckled, "yes, that's what I'm hoping for. I'm going to give them a bonus for keeping it together, I would have poisoned these fucks by now."

Juice spun in his chair, "you still can you know, they won't be missed."

You groaned, "I wish but the IRS will fucked them better than I ever could."

****

Jax almost broke down the door when the last man left, "is that all you need to get this book done?" His tone was full of rage.

You nodded, "yep, that's the last of it. What's wrong Jackson?"

He shook his head, "can Juice go home?" You nodded, and Jax's jaw clenched, "go home and spend the rest of the night with Jess." Juice could taste the anger coming off Jax as he left.

You placed your hand on his shoulder, "alright, you wanna tell me why you're so angry you're shaking?"

He swallowed, "I have my limits, y/n, I ain't putting up with them again. I get that you are your guys have had to deal with people you want to kill but no one us are trained for that, this night could have gone very different."

You lifted your hand to his cheek, "I overheard their conversations Jax, It's not like you wouldn't have heard the same things said in a Clubhouse before."

Jax's anger gave way to fear, "Sam's got a little girl on the way. Ellie's going into high school soon. How are they supposed to deal with that shit? What if we have a girl one day, how the fuck is Abel meant to make friends?"

You understood his anger now, "oh my love, men like that have always been around and they always will be. I'm writing the book for that very reason. These people thrive on not being known, on having all their tricks hidden from the world. Isn't it better to suffer them for one night, knowing that maybe one day you can share what you've learned and help someone?"

Jax let out a shaky breath, "yeah, you're right. These kind of lessons are going to happen a lot more aren't they?"

You nodded, "we have a child Jax and we might have more, there are things that as much as we'd like to, we can't hide from him."

Jax pressed his forehead to yours, his eyes damp, "can we go home now?"

You nodded, "of course we can."

Eight-six days till the due date.

"Have we ever put on a baby shower before?" Kozik was looking at the balloons like they were in Latin.

"No, we haven't. Sam and Ima don't want much, no silly games or shit like that. Just a nice party, I'm pretty sure they're only holding it to get people to their backs. Now hang the balloons please, this place still looks like the Clubhouse and that doesn't exactly say, welcome to our spring, baby."

****

"Bamboo cotton is better, it breaths more and it's softer."

Jax huffed at your statement, "It's also double the price. As long as it's not flammable, it doesn't matter."

"But their skin is so soft, and their little legs are so fat." No one ever took Happy for being clucky but he was.

"See Jax, Hap's got the right idea."

You were sitting at the picnic tables with Jax, the guys and Gemma, sipping on some fancy fruit drink while the afternoon passed you by.

"When are you and Jax going to have more kids?" There was a moment of quiet, it was only a matter of time before Gemma said something, you had hoped she would wait until you were married.

"Really mum?" Jax sounded pissed.

"What, Abel should have siblings." Yeah, she was doing this now.

"I'm not sure Gem, it might be never. Pregnancy is dangerous, it permanently disables people every day. In the end, it's between Jax and me and I'm the one who has the final say because I'll be the one going through it." You hoped that would stop Gemma in her tracks.

"Please, Ima's doing fine. You're young and healthy, you'll be fine." Things were getting awkward fast.

"Well maybe the next time your son creampies me, it will stick but for now, I think the birth control is doing its job." Even Tig looked uncomfortable but your words had their intended effect.

"You'll come around don't worry, I'm sure of it." She got after that and went and sat with Nero and Bobby, it was a shame she didn't have to sit in what just happened.

"You really went there darlin, didn't you?" Jax wasn't mad.

"Yes I did. Isn't that what people are asking when they're asking about us having kids? That's how the baby gets there most of the time." You weren't going to back down.

"Is that going to be your response everytime?" He sounded worried now.

"Yep, the only reason I wasn't more vulgar was because it was your mother. The last time someone asked I went into graphic detail, they don't come near me anymore." Tig's eyes lit up, "nope, nothing for you Mr, what happens between me and Jax is not for your ears."

Jax sighed, "That's fair enough. But for what it's worth, you'd look really hot…"

You shoved him playfully, "if you finish that sentence, you will never see my vagina again."

****

"Can you go find your brother? Marcus and his guys are here and they want to drop off some gifts." Jax had stayed by you for the rest of the afternoon and you had the sneaking suspicion it was to keep you from having another outburst.

"Of course, I hope they didn't buy too much, they already have everything they need." You were worried it was going to be over the top, apparently, babies were a big thing in the biker world.

"No, just clothes and books like they asked. Last I heard, they were in the dorm taking a break." Jax was looking at you fondly, he had been so much happier lately.

"Of course my love, I'll be back it in jiffy." You hurried off, brushing by the people in the hall as you made your way to the dorm.

You knocked twice before opening, "Sam… OH MY GOD."

There was a scramble of bodies as Sam moved to cover Ima, "I'm sorry, I'll leave you two along."

You walked back to Jax, unsure of how to process what you just saw but couldn't wait because Jax was standing next to Marcus and Marcus was looking at you expectantly, "where are the happy couple? We wanted to drop some things off."

You blinked, "they are busy."

"Darlin they can't be that busy." You really didn't want to elaborate.

"Jackson, they are busy." He turned and looked at your face, and tried to suppress his smile as the realisation settled for everyone.

"We'll wait, free beer is free beer right?" Marcus was trying to not laugh.

"Yes, that would be wise." They head off to get themselves drinks and Jax broke down.

"Teller, it is not funny, I did not need to see that." You rubbed your face as if to remove the image from your eyes.

"You'll be fine, it's not like the baby got there by magic." You wanted to kick him.

"Yeah, laugh it up. The next time I have space in a practical lecture you're coming, you won't laugh so hard then." That didn't seem to stop him.

"You can count me in darlin."

Twenty till the due date.

Jax smiled as he listened to your speech in the background for the fifty millionth time. His station in the garage had slowly become where he spent most of his time. His eyes flicked from the now clean gun in his hand to his phone screen.

You had gotten the nomination letter for the Scientific Services to Humanity award a few days after the baby shower, and Jax had been beaming with pride ever since. He was lucky enough to be able to go with you, his dress shirt itchy as you accepted the medal in your silver evening dress with a smile on your face.

"Lastly and most importantly, I want to thank my Beloved Jackson who has stuck by me through all the late nights and early mornings, my constant support and my shoulder to cry on. He truly is the second best thing that ever happened to me."

He wasn't ashamed at the tears that stung his eyes that night, they had arrived when you spoke of Abel, how you wanted a better world for him and how he was the most precious thing in your life.

"Really Jackie boy, you must be able to repeat that by heart by now." Chibs' tone was full of affection.

"Shut up man. Do you know how hard I had to try to convince her to go? I'm going to enjoy it."

Opie shook his head, "don't bother man, I'm pretty sure he hasn't stopped smiling since they announced her name."

Chibs chuckled, "speaking of the lass in question."

Chibs pointed behind him and Jax followed his finger to you standing there with an unpressed look on your face, "oh boy Jackson, you'd think I was dead and that was the last video you had of me."

Jax shook his head, "I'm just proud of you, plus you looked gorgeous in that dress."

You sighed, "yeah, I know. I was just stopping by to drop off more Anvil contracts, you guys are going to be very busy."

Jax hopped up and met you halfway and took the file from your hands with a smile, "you wanna get a snack with me darlin?"

You nodded, "hell yeah."

Jax searched around for his holster, sighing as he realised he had left it in the office. Without thinking, he lifted his shirt and stuffed the gun down his pants only to meet the look of horror on your face.

"Oh no beloved, don't do that," Jax was taken aback, he could count the times you have called him beloved in public on one hand.

You walked up to him and yanked his shirt up before removing the gun and placing it on the table, "you've had a month of training my love, you should know that's not safe. If you blow of you penis I'll still love you but me and my vagina will be very sad, ok?"

Jax flushed red, he hadn't been this embarrassed in years, trust you to pull something like that in front of half of his brothers, "I'm sorry darlin, I won't do it again, I left my holster in the office."

You lifted your hand to your face, "oh my, this just won't do. If I ever see you do something like that again, I'm going to make you come to the lab and help me with an autopsy of someone who's been shot in the dick, understand?"

Jax nodded, "yep, I'm hearing you loud and clear."

You smiled, "good." You pressed a kiss to his cheek and turned on your heel, "I'm going to get us those snacks, you can sit in your embarrassment for a bit."

Chibs' laughter broke the silence, "you learn your lesson Jackie boy?"

Jax huffed, "fuck off man."

Seven days till the due date.

"Sam and Ima are at the door." They had been coming a lot in the last few days, if only for you to ease their minds about the baby.

"Thanks T, they can come through."

Sam had his hand on Ima's back, he hadn't left her side in the last month and you were grateful Jax was generous with the paternity leave because Sam was a worried mess when he didn't know what Ima was doing.

"Hello you two, how did the ultrasound go?" Ima reached into her bag and handed you a black and white photo.

"Aww, look at that little nose. Not long left now." You handed Ima back the photo and Sam's eye lingered as you went.

"Yes, well as you can see, it's not as clear as yours. We were wondering if you'd let us have another look?" This would make it time number four, it must have been the 3D tec.

"Of course, but only a few minutes since you don't need it." You waved them over to the office and Sam shot you a smile.

"You know the drill." It didn't take long for everything to be set up then you were dragging the wand across Ima's belly. With a few clacks, a steady thump filled the room and Sam's eyes got wet, "you good little bro?"

He nodded and wiped his face, "yeah, I'm great. How does everything look?"

You sighed, "I'm not that kind of doctor but everything looks fine. The baby is in a good position, the heartbeat is strong and he or she has a great head size, there's a good brain in there."

"A good position, does that mean the C section will be easy?" Ima had decided a month in that she wasn't interested in going through childbirth, not that the other option was any easier.

"Yes, Sam, the C section will go fine." Sam must have asked you about it a million times, it's not that he wasn't one hundred per cent behind Ima, he was just worried about everything.

"Baby you have to stop worrying. We're going to be fine." She paused, "do you think the C section is the right thing?"

You handed her something to wipe her belly and printed the better photos, "it's your choice, that's all that matters. However, given that birth complications run in your family, I think it's a good idea. If anyone says otherwise, they can be the ones to push the baby out."

"One of the nurses said something on the way out, I'm still pissed about it." Sam's tone wasn't just pissed.

"Let me guess, something about Ima's anatomy staying the way it was before she got pregnant?" Sam's jaw ticked.

"Yeah, as fucking if I'd put my wife through major.." He stopped himself, "I fucking hate people."

You and Ima exchanged looks, "how about Travis takes you to the cafe and I spend some time with my brother?"

Ima smiled, "good idea."

Ima hopped of the couch and closed your office door on the way out, "Samuel, what is going on now? It's a new worry every day with you."

He thumbed differed over the photo his hand, "I'm gonna fuck it up y/n, somehow I'm going to fuck this up and I'll never forgive myself. I look at her and my baby and I know I don't deserve any of it. I've spent my whole adult life killing, I don't just get a wife and a baby and a happy ending."

It always went back to this, "Sammy, that's not how any of this works. In seven days, you and Ima are going to check into St Thomas and a week after that, you're going to come out with a new baby and everything will be wonderful. I know you're not going to stop worrying so I'll just tell you that as your older, wiser, much more attractive sister, I know you're going to be fine."

Sam huffed, "shut up."

Your wrapped your arms around him and pressed your lips to his temple, "come on, we better head to the cafe before Travis eats all the chocolate cake."

Zero days till the due date.

"Clothes, good snacks, important information and baby stuff all packed. You are good to go. I'll drive you guys and Jax will take the car back to the house. Lyla is at St Thomas as we speak booking your room so we are good to go." Ima was too tired to plan and Sam was a bucket of nerves.

"I'm so hungry." You didn't blame her, growing a baby looked hard.

"Yes, you have surgery in four hours. Once the baby is here, you can eat all you want." You handed Sam the bag and waved to the car, finding Jax in the driver's seat when you got out the door, "hey Teller, what happened to me driving?"

He smirked, "you drive like a mad woman and no one wants that right now."

You rolled your eyes, "fine, but you owe me."

****

Lyla and Opie were there waiting as everyone entered the maternity ward, "you're all booked, the room is really nice."

Jax looped his arm around yours as you followed Lyla and the nurse down the hall and into Ima's room, "we'll be here in about an hour to do some tests, you guys settle in."

Sam had already set up the bed and Ima shook her head at him fondly, "everything's fine baby, stop fussing."

Sam did his best to not look like a kicked puppy but he didn't do a very good job, "you're fine Sammy, everything is fine."

"I just want everything to be perfect." He wrapped his arms around Ima and helped her into the bed before sitting on the edge and lifting her feet onto his lap so he could remove her shoes.

"I'm going to go run down some chairs and update the guys, they should be here soon." Ima flashed Ope a smile and he walked off with a skip in his step.

"You know they don't need to be here if you don't want them to be, you're the one giving birth." You wanted to make sure Ima didn't feel pressure from Gemma to play the perfect old lady.

Ima sighed, "No, I want them here. Plus, I know you'll scare them off if I change my mind."

"Hell yeah I will, I'll even punch Sam for doing this to you, if you want me to." Jax gave you a friendly shove, "sorry."

****

The next two hours both crawled and flashed by and by the time doctors where wheeling Ima off to the OR with Sam in tow, everyone was suitably anxious, "how long will this take?"

Jax's hand hadn't left yours since everyone had settled in the room, "an hour max, they'll call us to the chairs outside the OR doors once she's all set up but we won't be allowed in."

"You ready to meet your niece?" Jax's voice was full of joy.

"I am, are you?" You flopped your head against his shoulder and he pressed his lips to your temple.

"You bet, she's going to be the most loved baby on the planet." His eyes drifted to the door, almost willing the nurse to come in and give you and Jax to go ahead.

"I can't wait to tell Abel, he's been so excited." Abel was always trying to help with things for the baby and the nursery was covered in his drawings.

"Everything's going to be ok, isn't is?" Jax had no worry in his voice.

"It is, don't worry."

****

"Ok, you'll feel some pressure but if you feel any pain please let us know. Daddy should keep his head behind the drape unless he's ok with seeing blood." The doctor had been wonderful through the whole thing and Sam and Ima's worries were always attended to.

"Don't worry doc, I'm not going to look." Sam stroked Ima's face lovingly and his heart filled with love as she leaned into his hand, "I love you so much, you have given me everything I could ever ask for."

She smiled up at him, a little dopey from the drugs, "I love you too Sammy." She inhaled as she left the pressure the doctor talked about and Sam's face filled with worry, "everything's fine, don't worry."

"You have a very caring husband, it's nice to see." Sam blushed at the nurse's statement.

"He's wonderful, he's going to make an amazing father." Ima squeezed his hand and took a deep breath as she felt an overwhelming pulling.

"Are you alright?" Sam had to stop himself from standing up to make sure the doctor wasn't doing something wrong.

Ima gave him a tight smile, "I'm fine, it just feels strange."

"That's because you're about to meet your baby." Right on cue, a piercing screaming filled the room, "congratulations, you have a beautiful little girl."

There was a rush of movement and a nurse appeared next to them holding their baby. Ima reached out and took the little girl in her arms as Sam watched, "she's perfect."

Sam sniffed and ran the tip of his finger over the baby's cheek, "she needs a name."

"There's plenty of time for that, we'll let your friends know the good news and take you back to your room so you can rest. Everything went well and you should heal nicely."

****

You and Jax had been waiting just outside the hallway to the labour and delivery OR for half an hour when a nurse came out, "You have a neice, she's six pounds, two ounces and twenty inches long. Mum and baby are resting but they want you two back in their room once you've let everyone know the good news."

You took a moment with each other before going to tells everyone for the news to sink in, "are you upset that you knew?"

You shook your head, "no, it still feels the same. Hap's going to be over the moon."

Jax chuckled fondly, "I don't think he would have cared either way." He patted your knee, stood up and held out his hand, "come on darlin, we better let everyone know the good news."

You hurried off arm in arm with Jax to the large waiting room, open the door and popped your head in, "Six pounds, two ounces and twenty inches long. Everything went well and the baby is healthy."

Happy glared at you, "what is it."

Jax grinned and shook his head, "a little girl."

High fives and happy shouts were exchanged, it was insane how normal everything felt. You noticed movement in the corner of your eye, Tig was handing Kozik a wad of cash, "did you bet on the sex of the baby?"

Kozik blinked, "we all did, don't worry. We're going to give the money to the baby."

"What's a baby going to do with money shithead?" Happy's joy was palatable in his tone.

Jax's hand rested on your lower back as you addressed the group, "I'm sure Sam and Ima will be grateful you're setting her up for a good future. We're going to go in and meet the little one, once they're ready for visitors, we'll call you guys in."

You walked the few feet the Ima's and room and knocked on the door and Sam opened it a few seconds later, "hey."

"Hey, how is everyone?" You walked inside, Ima was half asleep but paying attention.

"We're all good, you wanna meet my little girl?" You nodded and Sam walked you over to the crib.

"She's perfect." You held out your arms and Sam nodded before you bent down and picked her up, "she's tiny." Her eyes were closed and every part of her but her face was covered in warm clothes and blankets, "does she have a name?"

Sam and Ima exchanged a look, "Audrey, Audrey y/n."

"You named your baby after me?" It was not to cry looking at her tiny sleeping face.

"Only her middle name, we don't need two of you." Sam had nothing but love in his voice but there was worry in his face.

"Have you held her yet Sammy?" The worry grew and it was clear the answer was no.

"She's so small, I'll hurt her." He looked positively terrified

Ima gave you a look and you sighed before taking two steps towards him, "well, now is a good a time as any." He stiffed as you went to pass Audrey to him but you didn't give him a chance to back out, "you'll be fine, you gotta do it."

You all but shoved her into his arms and he stopped breathing, "you're fine, she's fine, see." Her eyes opened and Sam relaxed as he looked over her.

"I love you so much little one, you have no idea." The tears were falling freely now, "you're my little girl."

Your wrapped your arm around Jax and watched as Sam walked over to Ima's bed with the baby in his embrace, "you should have handed her to me first, now I'm never going to get to hold her."

Ima giggled, "you can be the first one to change her if you like."

"That's fair. Are you ever going to put her down Sam?" Jax knew the overwhelming weight of Sam's emotions.

Sam's eyes never left Audrey's face, "Never, now that I've got her I don't think I can."

****

"Hap, stop hogging the baby and give her here." The frustration in Bobby's tone came across even though he was whispering so Ima could sleep.

"He's right Hap, you gotta share." Happy sighed at your statement and reluctantly handed Audrey to Bobby.

"She's gorgeous, you should be proud." Sam had stayed close as Audrey was passed from person to person, always within touching distance just in case.

"I am, Ima did so well." Sam had never felt so much love in his whole life, "I love both of them so much."

Bobby smiled and handed her back to Sam, "she's one lucky kid. We'll go get the other guys."

Happy and Bobby left and Chibs and Tig took their place. Chibs caught sight of Audrey in her little pink hat and walked over with his arms outstretched, "aww, the wee little lass."

She had somehow extracted her fat little arm from the swaddle and was waving it around, reaching out into the world around her, "look at that, she knows who her favourite uncle is."

"I think Hap would have something to say about that." Sam was feeling less anxious by the second, if his brothers had any say in it, she was going to be the most loved baby on the planet.

"Give her here, I wanna hold her." Chibs sighed but as he pulled Audrey away to pass her to Tig, her arm stopped and she let out a scream, "what did I do?"

You laughed, "I think she's just grumpy, she's been passed around like a football since she came out."

Sam took her from Chibs and tucked her arm back inside the blanket before handing her to the now awake Ima, "I'll feed her, everyone else can come and see her later."

You sighed, "that's everyone cue to leave, we'll be just outside of you need us."

She smiled, "thank you."

****

Once everyone had been through, Sam called Gemma and asked her to bring Abel so he could meet his cousin. He was currently walking next to you, buzzing with excitement as you made your way to Ima's room, "you got to be quiet since she might be asleep."

Abel looked at you like you had said the most obvious thing on the planet, "I know mummy, and I got to be gentle cause she's small."

You smiled, "that's right, daddy is already in there waiting for us. Are you ready to meet her?"

He nodded aggressively, "yes please." He snuck under your arm as you opened the door but stopped himself from running to her when he saw her asleep in the crib.

As he got closer, Jax opened his arms so Abel could sit in his lap, "she's so little."

Jax chuckled, "yeah, she's a baby."

"So she can't play with me yet?" He sounded sad.

"Well not like you want but you can talk to her and show her things, baby love it when you talk to them." You knew you had a stupid smile on your face but so did everyone else.

"Can I go get Grandma?" Sam and Ima had calmed down a bit but there was still no way Gemma was going to be alone with Audrey.

"Of course, be quick because we all need to get some rest." Ima sounded exhausted.

Abel ran off as quietly as he could and returned with Gemma in tow, "Can I have froggy please." Gemma reached into her bag and handed Abel his favourite soft toy before Abel walked over to Audrey's crib. He pressed a kiss to the fluffy fabric then reached over the plastic rim and placed it next to his sleeping cousin.

You looked at Jax, who was already wiping his face with the back of his hand, "That's very sweet of you Abel, thank you for doing that."

Abel smiled at his father and climbed back into his lap, "I want Audrey to be my friend and mummy says you should share with your friends."

You relaxed into your chair with a sigh, "I'm sure she loves it very much sweetie."

****

Day turned into night and everyone went home to their lives, leaving Ima and Sam alone with their new baby. Despite you telling Sam that you would be there at the drop of a hat if he called, he couldn't calm himself enough to fall asleep along side with wife and baby.

He sat by her crib and watched as her chest rose and fell with sleep, her little hand wrapped around on of his huge fingers as he spoke softly to her, "you don't know it yet little one but you are going to have such a good life. Your mummy and I love you so much, and your aunt y/n is the coolest person I know. And you have so many aunties and uncles who love you so much." He felt overwhelmed with emotions, there was so much he wanted to tell her.

Ima's hand on his back brought him back to earth, "come to be baby, you need rest."

Sam twisted around and brought her hand to his lip, "I'm just going to stay up a little longer, just to make sure she's ok." Ima mumbled a reply but Sam was too busy watching Audrey to notice. He leaned over and pressed his lips to her forehead, "sleep tight little one, I love you with all my heart."

Part 64

@watercolorskyy @withmyteeth @camelia35

[ynkasflesh]

just wondering if you could share a bit more about navigating your PCOS diagnosis/symptoms? I’m really struggling atm

THIS IS LONG (sorry)

To give some background, my periods have kinda always been irregular, so that was my first symptom of PCOS. They were irregular all through my teens to the point I was getting my period 3-4 times a year. I didn't really experience any other sort of symptoms in my teens.

When I got the chance to actually talk to a doctor about it the first time, I got dismissed immediately, and basically self-diagnosed. In that self-diagnosis, the doctor decided to put me on to the combined pill / daily pill to increase my oestrogen levels, and lower my testosterone levels. But instead of balancing my hormones, I just bled for the whole time I was on the pill (3-4 months), and oestrogen really took hold of my body...

Once I came off the pill I still wasn't experiencing any other form of symptoms, other than irregular periods. But when covid hit (This was a hard time for me) I started to see symptoms like excessive hair, gaining belly fat, irregular periods, feeling tired ALL THE TIME because if bad sleep... I didn't really take it in as to how serious it was, till I really started to feel it affecting my mental health. So I went to two Doctors to try and get a diagnosis and nothing. (3 doctors now)

I went to a 4th and final doctor, who ran a lot of tests on me:

Ultrasound - to see the cysts on my ovaries

Pelvic exam - just to examine my sexual organs for anything else

Blood tests - to measure my hormone levels

Finally diagnosing me with PCOS. So Ultimately it took almost 5-6 years and 4 doctors to get a diagnosis.

First thing I was told is to get onto the pill, but I couldn't because I was at a high risk of blood clotting due to my weight. Then the doctor just told me to lose some weight lmfao. Which I didn't take serious because as a woman with PCOS losing weight is EXTREMELY hard.

After I got diagnosed I did a lot of research. There are 3 things that stood out to me in the research I did:

Inositol (supplement) - allows you to regulate blood sugar (which is important as PCOS is ultimately the irregularity of Insulin production, also insensitivity of it)

Spearmint tea - helps with hirsutism

Less stress - to decrease cortisol levels, as women with PCOS tend to have an increased level

I used these for a while, I did see some improvements but it just wasn't enough. I tried changing my eating habits to being anti-inflammatory, no difference. After doing all of this with no improvements I just dropped it all, and actually started working out. I ended up losing 20+kg in a months, and my period this whole year has been regulated (Thank God), but I also cut out a huge thing that was causing me a lot of stress. I no longer have any symptoms of PCOS, hirsutism here and there but I get laser hair removal on a monthly basis.

I would suggest:

Getting an actually doctor diagnosis

Start working out, a mix of strength training (to increase insulin sensitivity, reduce cortisol levels, and burn calories) and Low-impact workouts too

Continue with any supplements that help you. Right now I take, Iron, Vitamin D, B12, Vitamin C, Fenugreek and drink spearmint tea at least twice a day

When it comes to eating habits I would say eat as if you're genuinely trying to live a healthy life, but don't rescrict yourself from enjoying the food you love. I'm eating healthy but eating more protein because I want a PHATTTT ASSS, and to look like I could punch a wall(jk, not about the ass though)

Less stress. Less Stress. Less Stress.

sorry it's so long.

[wallabywannabe]

The only thing hugely different this week was my annual GYN visit. Which doesn't sound like much, but this year I was due for my pap smear, which I have been dreading for the past 3 years since my last one.

They're really painful for me. Don't know why. There's no medical reason for it. No history of trauma. It's not the MOST painful thing I've ever experienced, but somehow it's the scariest. Kidney stones are the most painful, but I recognize that feeling and it's a blinding kind of pain that leaves no room for other emotions. Pain from a speculum, though, feels very wrong, and there's plenty of mental capacity for panic.

I'm so ashamed of that, too, which is another big emotion that comes with it. I'm very pro modern, researched-backed medicine, which is why I think preventative procedures like pap smears are so very important. My dad's a freaking gynecologist, for crying out loud. I should be more comfortable with this stuff than anyone! But I'm not and I feel like a huge hypocrite.

So all that's going through my mind, and then this summer, I did an outpatient hospitalization program for mental health where I got a lot of practice FEELING my anxiety instead of ignoring it, which is something I hadn't realized I was doing. Previously I'd actually gotten very good at pushing anxiety very deep, which was useful for pushing through the day, but I think doing that EVERY day is exhausting to the point where I'd just completely collapse every few months. Anyway, I'm digressing a bit.

So it's been a few months since that program, and I have fallen back into old habits a bit, but I think the pap smear anxiety was too intense to ignore like normal. I do manage to mostly ignore it until I'm in the exam room and I'm...waiting.

I'm waiting and waiting, and I start to feel it all bubbling up in my chest. I distract myself by reading all the flyers in the room. I try to memorize the anatomy posters on the walls. I do deep breathing. I do wall squats and jumping jacks. I pace. I sit down. I examine the patterns on my gown. I look up french poetry and recite it out loud. And in between trying all of these strategies, I feel the anxiety rising up again and I fight back the urge to burst into tears.

Finally the exam happens, I tell the doctor I'm nervous, and she's really great. She tries to distract me with small talk, but when the pain starts I'm having a full blown anxiety attack and instead she has me count outloud to 30. She's done by the time I reach 15. She explains to me exactly how my cervix is shaped and what she was doing at each point when I started to feel pain, which helps demystify some of it.

I'm a bit embarrassed but mostly kind of frustrated with myself. This is the biggest physical reaction I've had to a pelvic exam before. Shouldn't I have gotten better over time, not worse?

But with a few day's distance, I'm starting to think it really was me being more in touch with myself emotionally than I have been in the past. The tears and hyperventilating are awkward side effects for me and it would be more convenient if I could have emotional breakthroughs that were slightly less obvious, but that's clearly not how I am.

I was wondering if I'd regressed emotionally, but after that happened, and then a few days later I feel like THIS? Normal, doing normal every day things without it being difficult? That must be progress. Even if it only lasts for 1 day, it's still progress. And it means changes for the better are possible.

[onetwobreathe]

Well that was a week? So much more than my own shit going on which has distracted me, but not enough. Unfortunately.

I was actually calm and collected in undressing for my pelvic exam and smear until the whole thing went tits up and I started crying in pain from the speculum not even being opened just a little. There was blood. A lot of blood. Which along with me being tense af made getting cell samples a damn nightmare for my poor GP. She thought I'd passed out at one point and was concerned both why it was hurting me so much and the amount of blood. In the end we decided to keep everything crossed that she'd scraped enough cells to complete the tests she wants done and that I wont have to go through that again before she has some answers for me. She's also referring me for some abdominal scan at the hospital because she couldn't locate...something (idk i was too fucking dazed at that point to listen)

The bleeding calmed a little....until an hour later when it returned tenfold. I've been gushing heavily and cramping bad ever since.

Since last night I've made my anxiety worse by looking up symptoms (thank and fuck you google) so I gave in and called the doctors office again this evening. My GP wasn't in today so I spoke to another (who I dont know, dont trust) who prescribed Tranexamic Acid because she thinks the exam brought on my period, but it's in my records about spotting BETWEEN periods and then just a couple days full (and not so heavy flow) 😟 Plus I'm not due on for another 10 days and my periods are/were always so regular? These wont stop the bleeding but lighten it, and she's given me 10 days worth so hopefully by then I'll get the results of the tests. And my worst fears will be laid to rest.

They'll hear me screaming for miles if I start bleeding again after this course ends tho.

Current Mood Level: 0/10

[genderqueerpositivity]

Not to be controversial this morning, but I have to say that seeing this dramatic increase in discourse on my social media feeds because of pride month is hilariously sad.

We are currently seeing a massive surge in transphobia and homophobia.

Republican governors are passing anti-trans bills, literally harming trans people to build support for their party. Trans youth are losing their healthcare and being banned from playing sports. LGBTQ+ teachers in certain states are at risk of losing their jobs. The supreme court stands to dismantle the legal right to medical privacy, abortion, and bodily autonomy literally any day now, with marriage equality likely to follow.

Conservatives in North Carolina are threatening pride organizations for planning to host a drag queen story hour event, while Texas Republicans are seeking to ban such events entirely. Montana has made it almost impossible for trans people to correct their birth certificates and in Florida (already home to a "don't say gay" law) they want to ban Medicaid coverage for gender affirming care for everyone regardless of age. Last month South Carolina banned trans kids from playing on teams that align with their gender identity and everyone has already forgotten about it, while Ohio may soon pass a similar bill that could also force a kid whose gender is questioned to have a pelvic exam in order to continue playing on a girl's sports team.

Do you know what Republicans don't care about? They don't care if "aces are inherently lgbt" and they don't care if "queer is a slur". They don't give a shit about the differences between bisexual and pansexual and they don't give a fuck how many letters belong in the acronym, and they especially don't give a shit about "kink at pride" discourse because they already believe that we are all sinful deviant perverted gr/oom/ers and no amount of engaging in respectability politics will ever convince them otherwise.

LGBT community discourse is so fucking disconnected from reality. Republicans are really trying to make it impossible for us to exist, I'm over here worrying that my state government will pass the bill that will make it legal for medical professionals to refuse to treat me due to their "conscience" because I'm queer and trans, and folks in my Instagram feed are having flag discourse. It's fucking surreal.

[slechterick]

@colorousme this is from almost a week ago (sorry whoops) but i love the (lack of) context to this question. given that my gynobs internship is the first time i'm up close & personal with vaginas, im learning many things so here are some highlights

it really is just a turkey-and-ham subway sandwich down there

periods are wild. im so sorry

pregnancy and childbirth are absolutely nuts both in theory and practice. a good midwife is worth their weight in gold btw

birthing people will poop during vaginal childbirth and they will feel that it's happening. depending on the culture, this will either be confirmed or denied by the surroundings in the heat of the moment. in either case health care workers are generally happy to see it because it means that the childbirth is progressing as it should.

in the netherlands our health care is so ridiculously well arranged that our limit for excessive bleeding in childbirth is allowed to be TWICE as high as the international (WHO) standard (1000cc vs. 500cc) while maintaining top-of-the-line health outcomes. our prenatal risk stratification is strong enough and our acute interventions accessible enough that it literally doesn't make sense for us to worry about blood loss until people have lost a fifth of their blood.

literally a turkey-and-ham subway sandwich betwixt the legs. consider my gender affirmed because i keep thinking that it'd feel like something is missing

vaginismus (reflexive contraction of pelvic floor muscles prior and during vaginal penetration, making penetration painful while simultaneously being caused by fear and anxiety due to prior bad experiences with vaginal penetration (you can see where this becomes a vicious cycle)) is a bastard and doesn't get enough public attention. people need to know that it exists and can be treated. in general sexual health doesn't get enough attention beyond STIs and erectile dysfunction.

get your yearly pap smear if you have a vagina and fall within the designated age group for your country's public health programme (30-60yrs old in the Netherlands). notify your health care provider if you're nervous about the exam so they can take the proper steps to ease you through it.

all these posts abt Henry Kissinger on my dash have made one thing very clear to me: i know absolutely jack shit about historical US foreign policy

[filthforfriends]

so basically this is what happened

TW: SA, ED

I got diagnosed with vaginismus, which is a result of sexual trauma. It feels like my body has rape proofed itself. I was getting these bouts of pain that I can't put words to. I'd end up curled on the floor, woozy, bargaining with god, listing all the things I'd do for a 12 hour break. I'd rather break my finger again, get stitches without anesthetic, get my nipples repierced. I kept going to doctors and getting tests and pelvic exams. They assumed it was in my head, but I knew it wasn't because I've never experienced pain like this before or anything close.

I went through three gynecologists and it wasn't until I got an internal ultrasound that someone told me it isn't supposed to hurt. That I should go to the ER, but I didn't because I knew the blood tests would saying nothing was wrong. The procedure was supposed to be uncomfortable, but not excoriating to the point that this nurse in her 40s looked shaken.

So this time I go to a nurse practitioner in my family practice with a list of things I've already eliminated. She gives me a pelvic exam and informs me that these aren't supposed to hurt. That all those doctors in clinics, offices, and urgent care neglected to tell me that this wasn't normal. She also diagnosed me with vaginismus.

Here's where the fanfiction comes in. I thought that my symptoms of vaginismus were normal, so I'd write them into my fics. Now this blog is another place where my assault haunts me. I started writing these fics to make men less terrifying, because I needed a world with good guys. But the further I go in life, the more I'm realizing that good guys don't exist. Men I was sure were good betray me and my body and spirit are broken because of them.

So because I'm in a depressive episode, its hard to write. I can't get myself to write a sex scene, even though my ideas have been flowing really well. I've written several panic attacks and hurt/comfort where I can't find a resolution to the turmoil. If you want me to post that, I can, but I don't have smut for you right now.

This is kind of the one thing I haven't failed at due to mental illness. It's easier to watch it fall apart from a distance, but still not bearable. My brain just attached itself to the closest thing, which was my other music special interest. I've never been this fixated on something, this obsessive. Its horrible and I keep waiting for it to let up

My ED has been getting scary, and my new psychiatrist said it wasn't bad enough yet for a program. She's young and hasn't seen how quickly I can go down the drain. She also has over booked herself and my wait time between appointments has quadrupled. I just got back on my therapists schedule for the first time since mid-May. I'm hoping I can go back to ketamine therapy which means begging my narcissist of a mother for money I know she has but will deny me unless I participate in proper theatrics that will drain me of my last ounce of life force.

I'm sorry to not answer people personally, this is just all I have the energy for. Please give me a few weeks. I'm not abandoning this blog or this hobby. Also you don't have to worry about my safety I'm alright. Sorry for all the typos in this I'm exhausted. I hope everyone is doing okay.

-Eden <3

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Tw mentions of CSA, menstruation, and doctor stuffs, would prefer if a female would answer

Hi I'm looking for some advice. I'm 20 years old and I've been having a period for 11 years now, I just recently found out that you're suppose to see the gynecologist after you have your first period. Well I didn't because the person who sexually abused me was my dad and a 9 y/o with CSA trauma going to a gynecologist would've been bad for him. Anyways I'm triggered by doctors, and doctor appointments usually end up triggering me in all sorts of ways anyways but a gynecologist just sounds absolutely freaking terrifying to me, what advice would you offer to a CSA survivor who is long overdue for a gynecologist appointment? Also is it really that important? Like im sexually active so it probably is but I would prefer to avoid it if I can.

Obligatory disclaimer that I'm not a medical professional and this is not medical advice...

While it is recommended that you see a gynecologist around 13, it's really not dire unless there's symptoms or other issues. The main reason it's recommended is that at that age people may not know what abnormal symptoms to see a doctor about, and also because it's nice to get to know the gynecologist while nothing is wrong and build some comfort before anything awkward or uncomfortable like a pelvic exam comes up.

If you're 20 and sexually active, it's probably a good idea to get tested for STDs, and within the next year or so it would be good to get your first pap smear (it's to test for cervical cancer, and is especially important if you haven't had the HPV vaccine). It was probably not super important to see one in your teens, but at this point in your life it's pretty important to access some gynecological care (whether from an actual gynecologist or otherwise).

If male gynecologists make you uncomfortable because of your dad, you can definitely go see a female gynecologist. Depending on your area, you may also be able to get pap smears and STI testing from a nurse practitioner, or registered nurse. Would either of those options be less scary to you? Do you have a regular doctor who is less terrifying than seeing a random stranger? If yes, it may be worth asking your regular doctor if they are comfortable providing you with basic care (pap smears and STD swabs are not super technical and many general practitioners/family doctors are comfortable doing them).

You mention being sexually active. Do you have an intimate partner who could come with you and make the visits less intimidating/scary? Or a close friend? You have the right to bring someone with you. I usually bring my partner to gynecologist appointments. When anyone gave me grief during COVID I told them I needed him to help me due to a disability (anxiety is a real disability and you do not need to explain yourself).

- Mod Allison

[laylanatorseventeen]

I FORGOT to ask about a 90 day prescription for my thyroid meds so I have to GO BACK. which I dread not only bc money but also bc it seems every time I go up there she asks about when I would like to get a pelvic exam done bc I'm "due one" and fam the answer is that i will never get a pelvic exam ever fucking again unless something happens which makes me suspect there is something ACTUALLY WRONG. otherwise you will see me in hell before you see me in the stirrups Jacklyn

[justadram]

(pregnancy anon here) that was a very interesting answer and it was very helpful, but i have more questions if you don't mind! i'm writing a fic set in the asoiaf world and my character fell pregnant by accident, how soon would she be able to notice and go to a maester, and how would he be able to tell?

So, that sounds less like a history question and more like a question of biology. Pregnancy symptoms and physical changes become evident around 6 to 7 weeks. A doctor might suspect based on a pelvic exam that a woman is pregnant from softening of the cervix, coloration changes, and increased compressibility of the uterus. Doctors in the past or maesters would have had some working knowledge of these physical changes. Although, I suspect it’s only the very well-off that would seek this kind of exam. Most women would rely on their judgment. A pelvic exam for determining pregnancy is not an exact science and could easily be gotten wrong—consider for example, Queen Mary I and her false pregnancy, which her doctors confirmed. Hence, the drive for pregnancy tests.

6 to 7 weeks is also the point that a woman might begin to feel symptoms of pregnancy. MIGHT. Women experience pregnancy differently. One pregnancy you might be miserable, the next, not. (Mine were equally and spectacularly awful and I knew immediately I was either pregnant or dying.) As I said, many women would be caught unawares right up until they started to feel the baby around 5 months. But at around 7 weeks, hormones start increasing that shake things up. Women in the past or ASOIAF women wouldn’t know it was due to hormones but they would recognize the signs. These cause changes in appetite or nausea and vomiting, exhaustion, tenderness in the breasts, bloating in the lower belly, etc. So, if this character was familiar with pregnancy symptoms and worried about a possible pregnancy, they might seek help after this point.

[quadraphonictypewriter]

My GP insisted for a year and a half that my daily pelvic pains were musculo-skeletal pain and that I needed naproxen and to lose weight. He eventually gave me a signed blank referral sheet and I sent it to a specialized clinic, where after thirty minutes talking to the resident and a five-minute pelvic exam I was told I have endometriosis and was put on the list for diagnostic/removal surgery.

I even had the head of a regional gynecology department tell me that my pain was due to gallstones (even though the pain was nowhere near there) and shuffle me off to a general surgeon for a consultation about removing my gallbladder.

I'd been telling my GP for a year and a half that I'm pretty sure I have endometriosis and I'm positive that the only reason I got that blank signed referral sheet was because he got tired of having me in his office every six weeks (plus a GP doesn't spend more than 20 minutes with you in total, whereas I spent an hour in the specialist's office)

stopp omg why are primary care doctors like "girl theres nothing wrong with you" and then you convince them to write the referral and you finally see a specialist and the specialist is like "goddamn you got syndrome"

[gravitren]

Sorry to ask but do you have any recommendations for testing for vaginismus at home or anything? Like do I see if I can get a finger up there and if not then go to a doctor? I'm asexual and sex-repulsed, and I think I might have vaginismus due to anxiety but I don't wanna go to the doctor if I can help it? I literally just want to be able to use tampons so I can swim whenever, why do vaginas ruin everything (also sorry for messaging you but there's not much on it that I can find??)

Hey! I’m grey-ace if that’s any consolation as well. I’ve always been terrified of sex due to growing up and hearing things like, “it’s going to hurt extremely bad” and other harmful ideas like that (it doesn’t, I promise. I’m just having a bit of a relapse if that makes sense).You can try at home! Some people see it as something sexual while practicing while others don’t. I find what helps me best is getting into something comfortable and maybe putting on a YouTube video that is relaxing or music! I usually watch and I try to put something tiny in, like a finger! However, fingers are kinda scary to me so I have a dilator kit. They’re kind of pricey but they’re worth it and they start out really small. Also coconut oil is safe to use with them and I find it works the best since it doesn’t wash away like water-based lubricants.Another option is you can look up “pelvic floor physical therapist” in your area! That’s what I’m seeing now and I’ve made huge progress with her (I couldn’t insert anything and now I can get a pelvic exam done with no pain, etc). I didn’t have to see a doctor first before going to her, I just called her office. Ask your doctor first if they know what vaginismus is, my old doctor said I was making it up and needless to say, she isn’t my doctor anymore. I hope this helps, please let me know if you need more information! I’m here :> 

[laundryandtaxes]

Hey Julia, I was wondering if u have any tips on dealing w gynecologists as a woman w gender dysphoria related 2 all that? I'm really uncomfortable with the whole visit, but especially that I'm due for my first Pap smear (think it's legally mandated now that I'm 21?) and any penetrative stuff really really hurts me. Like even those they tried before & I made them stop. I'm scared they'll deny me my birth control if I can't do it & I need that bc I can't have periods ;-; TW stuff sorry!

I can almost guarantee you that you are absolutely NOT legally obligated to have a PAP smear done unless your state has been up to something really awful lately, and if your doctor says so they’re lying. PAP smears aren’t nearly as medically useful as we used to think, and are almost certainly not necessary on a yearly basis. Frankly the validity of the practice of pelvic exam themselves has been called into such strong question that many reputable physicians no longer even believe that women should get pelvic exams at all on a yearly basis. All of those are mostly true for healthy women not at high risk for cervical cancer or other issues which might be first noticed during a pelvic exam. That being said, PAP smears are still recommended as a way of screening for cervical cancer probably every 3 years for women under the age of 65.

Cervical cancer is one of the most treatable forms of cancer because it takes so long to develop- frankly I have not solved this question for myself (the question of pelvic exams and PAP smears) but I think that getting a PAP smear every 3 years is probably more than sufficient, considering odds of you not developing the cancer are higher than the odds of you developing the cancer anyway. To be perfectly honest, I never plan to schedule a pelvic exam unless something feels or seems off, but do plan to eventually suck it up and deal with a PAP smear. I’m not a medical professional and I’d recommend sitting down with your doctor to just be honest about this stuff- your doctor has almost certainly seen stranger things than a woman who does not want to endure unnecessary or marginally useful and deeply uncomfortable procedures.

I don’t take birth control because I’ll never have any use for it/will never be at any risk of pregnancy and the side effects worry me (though I have also considered it to just stop periods) but PAP smears are about screening for cervical cancer and sometimes other issues, NOT about whether or not you should be given a prescription for birth control. The two should not be connected. Frankly I’d be more worried about a doctor deciding you don’t need birth control based on looking at you and assuming your sexual history/upcoming sexual partners than denying it because you turned down a PAP smear. If you want to turn it down, you have every right to- regardless of many doctors having forgotten it, this is a question of your own body. I would be prepared to just tell your doctor (lying if need be) that you intend to use birth control because you want to prevent pregnancy, as most doctors would probably not, and frankly probably SHOULD not, be willing to write you a powerful prescription medication that has a lot more side effects than many people realize, simply to stop periods. Good luck, whatever you go with!