#I'm doing a course through my job

[mirensiart]

The keychain outfit requests that I have pending WILL happen, I just have to finish my paper first

If I don't pass this course my boss will destroy me lmao

If you see me being too active here, you have my permission to spray water at me like a naughty dog/cat

[chalkrub]

KOFI

commissions: here!

membership: here!

more in-depth explanation above lol but yes, opening up my kofi for the above stuff! i'll still be posting art to my socials as usual, but there'll be more consistent/exclusive/early-access art and wip posts for members on kofi, along with all the benefits above

thank you very much for any support as always! muah

[vaguely-concerned]

thinking about not only the specific people lucanis pulls in to represent the 'locks' in his psyche, but the storytelling that happens in the structure/order of them. the underlying ideas are presented something like:

the lucanis who went into the ossuary never came back out again; he died down there (the boy caterina raised is gone forever) -> you're putting yourself in danger doing this (by being close to me), you should leave because I can't bear it if you get hurt because of me -> it doesn't matter even if we do try this, it won't work anyway (again because of me) ('you know what he's like, you can open the door but he won't walk through it' :'( oofie doofie) -> what if the real secret is that there was never anything but the monster in here from the beginning. you should leave, there was never anything here worth saving in the first place. (implicitly: what if I deserved what happened, all along.)

it runs pretty cleanly from outward-oriented attachment anxiety ('caterina won't even want me back like this, she won't recognize me (the same way I no longer recognize myself)) and gradually deeper inwards until we reach self-image and self worth. or you know, the harrowing basic lack of it lol.

"careful -- they'll know we're not right," spite says in one of their first scenes... but clearly, some very deep part of lucanis has feared or suspected for much longer than that that there's something inherently not right at the core of him, way before any demon entered the picture. and the voice he gives those lines to is the person who should know him better than anyone in the world, who he has loved more than anyone in the world -- and who deliberately chose to hurt him so horrifically anyway. 'It's better if I'm just a monster and deserved what happened than it is to allow for the idea that the brother I love doesn't really exist and maybe never did'. it's better if he's fundamentally flawed in some way that needed fixing to help him survive, and that's why caterina chose to hurt him again and again -- out of love. (this one I think he might have a very sad wakeup call on one day if he ever ends up with the responsibility and care of a child of his own in some way and realizes just how alien the idea of ever intentionally hurting them for any reason is to him. oh buddy. also interesting that he keeps caterina as the outermost lock -- there IS a distance he keeps there that he hasn't with illario. he doesn't resent her 'anymore' he says, but he also keeps her carefully further away from his deepest self.)

as far as I could tell the only note in the mind prison that's fully hidden and needs to be uncovered is the sad painful helpless stupid little truth that even after all this, even knowing what happened... he still loves his brother. is there anything illario could ever do that would make lucanis completely stop loving him, do you think? sometimes the trouble with unconditional love is that it is, well. unconditional, even when some terms and conditions probably would have been in order haha.

that's the pattern you see there again and again; he would rather destroy and abandon and imprison himself at every turn than let go of love, even when it's just scraps, even when there's only ever enough of it to hurt him. it's only when rook shows up and as it were takes his hand and walks along with him that he can entertain the idea of changing the story of what walking out the door might mean in the end.

[why-the-heck-not]

me, a responsible being, working on the coding project as I should vs. me, a dysfunctional shithead, getting distracted by reading about brains (once aGAIN damnit (it's my favorite "I need to study my field but bc I should do that it's an impossible unthinkable feat now, so I'm reading about something else to fool my brain I'm still being productive"-topic))

[bruhstation]

who here loves divorce? I do. here's captain star and captain zero: two people who can't help but drag other unwilling people into their huge mess! including the youth. can't forget the youth

(bit of ramble in the tags)

[gideonisms]

Having my weekly I should quit my job moment

[permanentlyexhaustedpigeon88]

Y'all, I just had my new patient visit with the bone marrow transplant team today, and uh...

I'm...I'm a bit...overwhelmed

[softquietsteadylove]

Hey erm can we get something for the dressage one? Maybe Gil is working very hard for a whole week without proper rest and one day thena comes in to check on Olympia and sees her resting on the ground with Gil leaning on her and sleeping?

"He is beautiful, in his own way."

Olympia just stared at her. The horse was lying down comfortably, nestled in among the hay Gil had been unloading all week. The man himself was actually curled up on some loose straw and tucked into Olympia's side, currently.

Thena tilted her head. She would never get this opportunity again, and she couldn't help but observe the fine details of Gil's visage now that it was open to her. And she couldn't be caught staring.

Olympia bumped Thena's head with her snout.

"Stop it," Thena whispered, keeping her horse's nose out of her business. "Don't wake him."

Gil had been working nonstop since their return from the tournament. It still seemed ridiculous to her that there was no one to help assist Gil, let alone cover his duties when he was away. It was part of his contract that he get at least some time off.

She had been trying to catch him at a good time all week. But all he had been doing was unloading hay and securing stables and caring for the horses. She had barely seen him at all.

Thena smiled as Gil turned over slightly in his pile of hay. "Some might say he's rather cute."

Olympia fixed one of her bulbous eyes upon her with a look of clear disbelief.

"Oh, shush," Thena scolded her own horse. She leaned against Olympia, running her hand down the front of her nose with a sigh. "I know you like him, too."

There was a time when she wouldn't have allowed herself to admit that she liked him at all. She could barely believe there was a time when she was determined not to like him at all. But he had won her over, as she imagined he was capable of doing with anyone.

Olympia let out a whinny, far louder than just a simple puff of air.

"Olympia!" Thena hissed at her, putting her finger up as if that were going to do any good with a horse. Gil stirred and she rushed behind Olympia.

Foolishness washed over her as she crouched behind Olympia's neck. Her face flushed. It was not only foolish of her to be hiding after spying on him, it was foolish of her to be watching him sleep like some creep. What was she supposed to say if he woke?

No, she wasn't watching him sleep because of some deep held affection she had for him. It was purely because she admired him as an equine caretaker, of course.

"Huh?" he startled upon his hay, looking around and then up at Olympia. "What's wrong, girl?"

He asked, but Olympia all but laughed at his panic. She adjusted herself, shaking out her mane. Her movement exposed the top of a head of blonde.

Gil rubbed his eyes. "Thena?"

She sighed, thunking her head against Olympia's neck. This little mare could be such a brat. Thena cleared her throat, hoping to compose herself as she rounded the horse's head to face Gil. "Sorry, I really was trying not to wake you."

"That's okay," Gil rushed to stand and brush himself off. He blushed, "S-Sorry, I shouldn't be sleeping."

Thena shook her head with a smile. "You shouldn't need to sleep. They're woking you too hard."

He shrugged, ruffling his hair (which shed a few hay twigs). "We got the hay delivery and the food delivery on the same day, which doesn't usually happen. But I gotta get them all sorted and put away before the temperature changes tonight."

Thena just sighed. It was an impossible amount of work for any one person. And if it were anyone but Gil, she doubt they would have gotten done what he had. "Gil, that's-"

"And now that tournaments are over, everyone's leaving for the season, so I've been trying to prep as much as I can before I have all the horses in all the time."

Despite the stables being on club grounds, it was rare to have every horse in all at the same time. And she couldn't imagine what it meant for Gil's workload to not have any time when the horses were out in someone else's care.

"Thanks girl," Gil thanked Olympia, petting her nose gently. "I guess I need to recharge my batteries a little."

"It should be more than a little," Thena raised her eyebrows at him. "When was the last time you truly rested?"

"Well," he drew out, avoiding her eyes boring into him. "I've been getting up early to try and premix the food and get all the hay to loosen, if need be."

"And what is early?" she inquired further, crossing her arms at him. She wasn't here to nag him like some put upon partner. But she knew that his days already began at 6 in the morning on a normal day.

"Uh," Gil avoided looking at her even more than before. It almost seemed unfair, since he could look over the top of her head naturally. "Well, like...4-ish."

"Gil-" Thena crossed her arms at him.

"Thena, really, it's okay," he attempted to minimise what he was doing, again. "It's just for the next week and a half or so. Then it's pretty smooth sailing until everyone comes back for the next season."

Thena continued to scowl, and not just at how her fellow competitors could somehow have the heart to leave their horses at the club for two whole weeks. She sighed.

"I slept pretty well, actually," Gil tried to laugh it off as he started crouching down to collect the loose hay. "I can-"

Thena all but elbowed him out of the way to grab a handful for herself. He just stared at her, stunned, but she glared right back, daring him to tell her not to. "It will go quickly with the both of us."

She walked decisively towards the pens with her meager armful of hay. It was a drop in the bucket, she was aware. Olympia followed behind her, although once actually in her pen she turned around, making it clear she wouldn't be assisting further.

"Thena," Gil attempted to reason with her as she passed him, moving an armful at a time while he had some heavier buckets of feed with him to leave outside of each pen. "You don't have to-"

"And you shouldn't have to do all of this yourself, but here we are."

Maybe he had no defense to that, but he continued on in his work as she continued with hers, no matter how inefficiently. As much as she would like to, she wasn't delusional enough to think that she had the physical strength to move the hay bales. But it only made her more adamant on doing whatever she could to help him.

"You are not staying here until all hours of the morning--or waking up at dawn," she huffed at him in passing, making her third lap. "You shouldn't even have to stay here when the club is in its off season."

"Well, that's kind of the whole room and board deal," he shrugged, watching her huff and puff past him again and again. "They provide the room and I board."

She rolled her eyes as she dumped the last of the loose hay that had been serving as their daybed at Olympia's feet. The mare then had the audacity to flop down again, as if so exhausted from all the work of watching them.

"Come to mine."

"Huh?" Gil looked up in the middle of grabbing the hose.

She had blurted it right out, and perhaps a bit impulsively at that. She and Gil had gotten to know each other better but she wouldn't say that they were familiar enough for him to come over to her home. But she had stuck out the invitation like it was nothing. She cleared her throat, determined to follow through. "At least for tonight, you can have a meal that's not made in the guest suite kitchen. And I come to see Olympia everyday even in the off season anyway."

Gil was quiet, and the idea that he would reject her invitation, even if just to be polite, actually made her heart jump around in her chest. He had put down the hose. "There's a lot to get through, tonight."

She didn't waver. "Then we should continue on."

Gil let her pass him again. "Can you cook?"

"No, but I'm on good terms with every delivery driver in the area."

Gil laughed, loudly enough to make Olympia shuffle around in curiosity. But he picked up his hose again and started spraying down the pen doors. "Well, if we get outta here too late, I'm pretty good at whipping up even the barest of ingredients."

Of course he was a great cook of human food, too, Thena lamented. She crouched, dragging a bag of dry food mix into her arms. Between these and the hay, at least she could somewhat lift these. Although, by the time she got even one carried over from the open barn to the pen hallway, Gil already had two hefted up on his shoulder. She swiped at some sweat on her brow.

"Show off."

[sourtomatola]

I'm okay

I'm fine

I'm okay

I

'm fine

*sobbing grossly* Suuuuuuunnnnnnn....

[the-potato-beeper]

i've got an interview today! it's just to see if i'll do this job as an undergrad baby-TA again next semester, so i'm not too worried. it'll only be 15 minutes, and i've been fine with the job this semester

[running-in-the-dark]

my niece stayed with us last night. it was pretty fun this time, probably because I was feeling better (if I'm already in pain or exhausted, I can't handle it). after we dropped her off, we talked to my mother for a little bit, and then drove to my in-laws. we were there for a few hours and because the guys were busy outside, i ended up talking to my mother-in-law for most of that time. it was... kind of good? I don't know. she actually showed some real emotions, just a little bit, but hey that's more than ever before! I even gave her a weird little shoulder squeeze/side hug, it was so weird.

anyway, I almost fell asleep in the car on the way home because I was so tired, and actually did fall asleep immediately on the couch.

[marathedemonoverlord]

Lesson 17 Hard Mode Spoilers(???)

Just finished Lesson 17 Hard Mode ( Don't @ me. I'm taking anything I can get to stay invested ) and like.... Did Michael just love bomb the Angels? (ಥ ͜ʖಥ)

Maybe my ass just hates gifts cause I'm so difficult but like... Weird doting vibes- Anyways weirdly I feel bad for Raphael being caught in the middle of it all - He's so awkward I see myself in him (ಥ ͜ʖಥ)(ಥ ͜ʖಥ)

[tardis--dreams]

Alright maybe my coworkers don't Actually hate me after all~

[la-galaxie-langblr]

screech

[britneyshakespeare]

i have been working with kids for four years and i had to write my first ever note just now about a seventh grade boy being inappropriate towards me. i don't know what the hell this could possibly lead to or what. he was trying to feel my legs repeatedly to the point where i had to stop sitting next to him (and i was subbing for his one-to-one para!!!). he's got high support needs. in that kind of job, you're supposed to sit next to them all day and look over their work.

the teacher whose classroom this was happening in could also tell something was wrong. the whole class was acting kinda crazy because it was the day before school vacation week and there was another class coming in to share projects. so like, he was swamped with keeping order already. but we were sitting two feet away from his podium at the front of the room. the kid was giving him and me a hard time when he wouldn't take out his chromebook as he was instructed. and then when he did take out his chromebook, he immediately, for some reason, places it on my lap. he had been ogling my legs the whole time. he puts his computer ON MY LAP. and i'm just like, stunned, because what the hell? can you not keep it on your own lap, for some reason? i don't even know what to say, i just hold it a little above my lap while i'm thinking why on earth would this be happening? he would NOT do this to his regular para if she were here, would he? this can't be normal.

and the teacher sees this and within a minute places a stool in front of the kid for him to put his laptop on. and i'm like. oh ok. yeah. he notices exactly what's happening and that that's not appropriate. and then when the other class comes in to share projects he tells me "miss b——, you don't actually have to sit next to c—— this whole period if you don't want to." and he grabs me a chair for me to go sit with the other paras in the back opposite corner of the room. like he KNEW. and thank you mr. d—— for recognizing that because i was just kind of shocked and didn't know if i was overreacting in my head to all of this.

when there's a point in the class where the kids are discussing stuff, i privately mention what's happened to the para who's sitting closest to me. and she says that the thing about him calling me pretty is something he's been known to do, but the fact that he kept trying to touch my legs is new behavior. and that's a completely different class of behavior. i was telling him NO, don't do that, and he kept doing it. and the fact that he was calling me pretty repeatedly, even when i was giving him instructions that he wasn't taking. and this is the second to last class before the end of the day, so she says she'll take a walk with him before learning center and talk to him about it, and i'm grateful for that. she does. the kid apologizes to me as soon as i come into learning center. but like. WHAT the hell.

i'm STILL like what the hell. this is unfathomable to me. the other adults who i told about this or who witnessed it were supportive of me. but. what to do??? i wrote a long note to his regular para about this, because i knew she was going to hear about it at least from the first para i told. the second para i told about it after school had a kind of... i'm not gonna say enabling reaction, but i suppose since it had already been "taken care of" (or at least, he had been spoken to and apologized) she didn't really have much to add in the way of discipline. i told her what happened after school and she was just like... a little bit, laughing? like oh, yup, that dog. she at the very least confirmed he KNEW what he was doing, that that was not an accident. she said to me "i had a feeling he was going to develop a crush on you" (me and these other paras were together for most of the beginning of the day too). but it's like. it's not about that.

i have worked with children for FOUR years. children have had crushes on me before; i'm quite unfazed by it. boys from the ages of 5-to-15 have told me i'm so pretty before and asked me to marry them. i've never had them feeling up my legs before. i've never had them making me physically uncomfortable. it's NOT about this seventh grader having a crush on the pretty substitute. he is NOT unusual for that, at all. but i've never had a boy of any age or education level repeatedly touching my knees and thighs. THAT is problem behavior!!!

because what if i wasn't assertive enough with him to tell him to stop? what if i was a girl his age? worse, what if i was an adult who encouraged this behavior? i don't come to the middle school to be a seductress. i had no intention in putting on a pair of tights and a skirt this morning of being viewed as an attractive object, especially not by a pubescent boy. what if i did though? what if his interpretation of me wasn't so incorrect and offensive? what if i let him keep touching me inappropriately and saying flirtatious things to me? me, an adult in my mid-twenties, towards a middle school boy?

in no world would that be ok. if i had been feeling up and overly-complimenting a CHILD at my place of work, holy shit would there be reports about me. so a child acting that way could never be ok either. if it'd be firable for me to be reciprocating that action, then that action should not be happening to me. ever. and that child should never repeat that action again to any other adult again.

like i am simply not there to be treated as an attractive young woman. i put on a skirt that shows too much knee and get paired with a boy, though, and that's apparently just a natural consequence. hooo-ly shit. like i don't know what to do. first of all, the more time passes since this has happened, the more i am just unable to stop thinking about it. i wasn't "hurt" or too emotional in the moment but i'm just still processing it and it gets worse. i'm just more and more disgusted.

i don't know what i expect to come out of this, or the email i sent to his regular para. like, am i gonna have to attend a fucking meeting? what is the precedent that this sets for him? WHY do i feel BAD for him about this? well, because he's a child, of course. a child who has done wrong he may not be able to understand. but he knows WHAT he did. he just doesn't know WHY it was wrong.

and i couldn't even say something to him that was like, "well, how would you like it if i was touching you like this?" because young boys do not understand how inappropriate it'd be. i'm sure this kid thought he was gonna get away with what he was doing at the very least. but probably not unlikely he (being a child with no concept of how wrong it'd be) thought he could get some sort of "positive" attention for treating me like this. either way he was simply doing what he wanted to do, with no perspective of how it would make me feel or that it could be classified as harassment. teenage boys think it'd be awesome if the older attractive woman would reciprocate their affections. they're wrong. i, as the older attractive woman of his affection, cannot be the one to convince him of that, though.

i don't know. i don't know. like it's just so not ok. but if i didn't tell another adult about this, he would've gotten away with it. he would probably do it again. and him being in trouble for it is not the same as him understanding that it was wrong. unless someone has a REAL talk with him about inappropriate attention and consent, it's not unlikely that he'll just repeat the behavior in a setting where he thinks he won't be caught or told on. THAT'S the problem. me, i could just never have to be this boy's para again. in my email, i didn't say that i would never be ok working with or around him ever again. he already knows i didn't like it and i'm not afraid to tell on him; as far as that lesson applies to me, individually, i think he's become too ashamed to repeat that.

i don't know. i don't know. i very much expressed that i, i guess, "forgave" him in the email that i wrote. i clarified that i was writing it for the sake of having it on the record. i think that could potentially be very important for the purposes of preventing further similar or escalating behavior from him in the future. i don't want him to be in trouble. i don't think i will be blamed for this, especially not with how promptly i acted, although i don't know to what extent this will be framed as me thinking i'm a "victim." i'm not... i don't feel victimized. i feel disgusted. i feel afraid for the sake of what could happen to or with him in the future, if he thinks behavior like his towards me today is ok.

i feel like if i end up having to further respond to this, this will be made about me. in a way it kind of was. is? in the moment it was happening, it was certainly about me. because i was the one this boy was giving all this unwanted attention to. but to make the consequences of this about me and to involve me any further, i also don't want. because i said what i said already, i don't care if a student has a crush on me. this isn't about me being the pretty substitute. i'm the pretty substitute all the time, to tons of people. that's not really something i've been concerned about up until now.

but do i have to reexplain my personal embarrassment? that i was wearing a skirt? that he was ogling my legs? really? what more do i have to gain from sharing that, other than having the adults at my place of work confirm or deny me in their heads as the pretty substitute? i don't know. perhaps that's REALLY overthinking it. but i don't want to be the substitute that caused a problem for this special ed kid. i don't wanna be the reason that he can't be around me anymore, the person people think of when they're monitoring how he's acting around girls and young women. i DON'T want to be the one people think of when they think of his past misbehavior. i'm NOT here for that.

that's just fucking humiliating. and in this being a thing that could follow him, i have to be ogled and touched over and over again in people's minds for this to be taken seriously. but for this to be swept under the rug would be even worse, no? i don't know. i hate this. the principal is a nice guy; i wouldn't be surprised if he and/or people from the special ed department reached out to me sympathetically about this. but i don't wanna be reached out to. i don't wanna have ppl i work with tell me "sorry that kid was just so attracted to you he couldn't help himself" like come on. if the kid himself doesn't change then i don't really care to remember this incident. and no one reaching out to me and saying they've talked to this kid will actually prove to me he understands. this is the kind of inappropriate behavior it takes years for people to understand why it was wrong, especially a child who has no idea. i mean come on.

[isthenapoleoncute]

Not sure if you’ve answered something like this before, but what’s your favourite fictional interpretation of Napoleón?

There are no fictional Napoleons! They are all real, and they all live deep in my heart! What are you implying? That I don't have an army of Napoleons gathered from across all media, ranging from 19th century caricatures to modern video games living in my home?! Perish the thought! Watch your mouth or I'll sic my Attack Napoleons on you!!

I certainly won't be actually answering this question in my tags!