#I'm constantly thinking that's why I'm not even living I'm just playing a painful game of chess mentality 24/7

[sensitivegoblin]

Vent

[spencerified]

Hiii, well, English is not my first language, sorry for that. I'm not a writer, but a big reader, so welcome to the community ^^

I was thinking about a reader who works in BAU, gets kidnapped, and for some reason the su-des was filming, and the reader is forced to confess that she like Spencer, (The whole team saw it).

As if the su-des were playing a game like truth or dare, and ended up reluctantly confessing that, the reader having a lot of confidence. If you read this and do it I would be very grateful, ily^^♡

(Can be fem!reader or g!reader, it doesn't matter, I repeat, if you read it and do it I will thank you for the rest of my life)

hiii!!! first of all thank you so much for trusting me with your request 🫶 this came out a little (a lot) longer than I thought it would but i hope it's still what you expected and that you enjoy it!! any other requests are very welcome ♡ lots of hugs for everyone

✿

"Stop."

You're relieved that your weak attempt, your last resort at trying to get the Unsub to show you mercy, makes him stop in his tracks. You still feel the ghost of the edge of a knife itching against your skin, when it was unclear if he really wanted to hurt you or if it was just an attempt at getting you to break. To get you to spill your most deepest, darkest secrets, the ones hidden within the depths of your heart. 

Hidden even from Spencer, who looks at you from (presumably) miles away, through a sketchy live transmission sent to Garcia. Untraceable, of course. He desperately wishes he could just snap his fingers and make it all go away. Every tear, every ache, every whisper of pain. Wants to build a world where you won’t know suffering ever again.

Hotch's voice when he first trained you for what Penelope called 'The Non-Fun Parts of The Job' resonates in your hazy mind. Be aware your surroundings, he said, and you wonder if he might be disappointed on the other side of the camera haphazardly propped up a few feet in front of you, it's red light mocking you with each blink.

"Why are you doing this?" You say, emitting now only a pitiful vestige of your voice which is usually never afraid to speak on anything. It seems amusing to him because seconds later, a cheshire grin blossoms in his face, causing the hair on the back of your neck to stand. 

"Oh, you have no idea who I am, do you?" He says. You've never thought a person could inflict so much fear with only a look and a few words. "I don't remember you either, so no hard feelings. But the BAU has... humiliated me. Took everything I love away from me. My family, my job, my friends..." His voice grows low to the point that if you weren't so on edge, you would have to strain your ears to hear him. "They may think getting away for years feels like a reward to me, but they don't live what I live. 

Watching the TV waiting for the next time the BAU finally remembers me over the rest of the cases they have to push away to the… dusty corners of their file room because of their incompetency and decides to spread my picture all over the news once again... it's no way to live." 

The man's voice is so calm you constantly wait for the other shoe to drop. Like when you're so scared on a rollercoaster and your only option is to close your eyes and wait for the inevitable drop. It doesn't come. It seems like years of inflicting pain on others, and then years of hiding away from the consequences are an upstanding process on how to numb a person.

Spencer sees it too. He sees that this Unsub just won't lose control, and that scares him. Because someone this put together – in a rather bizarre way, wouldn't even bat an eye were he to decide on hurting you. And Spencer would have to watch it all, powerless, scribbling over and over again over his wide map spread out on the conference room's table. 

"I'm sorry..." You lie through your teeth. "That you have to live that way."

Fake empathy towards him, Hotch echoes on your head again. You must be reliving his instructions in your head as a way to keep your cool. You bite your lip so hard you fear it might bleed when you realize you're doing it. He's delusional, you reason. He thinks the BAU wanting to catch him for murdering at least 7 couples in public parks is somehow a way to wrong him. 

"Well, thank you," he says, a bitter tone bleeding into his words. "But it's not enough. Luckily for you, you know just what to do that will be." 

"I don't have any secrets," you confess. Outside of the BAU, you don't have a very interesting life. Go home, say hi to the neighbors in your building, sometimes smile at someone while shopping groceries. No burning, forbidden love affair – mostly because the only candidate you want is endearingly oblivious –, no superhero side quests that would make for an interesting conversation at lunch break with your coworkers. No skeletons in your closet, no secret vices or scandalous secrets that would obliterate your pristine reputation amongst your coworkers. Not even one involving the most important one of them. Of course not. 

"I'm sure you do. Everyone does," he circles your chair. You want to sob when you lose sight of him and feel his presence looming on the back of the chair. Not knowing when your life could potentially be taken away from you is jarring. 

"I don't," you say. You don't need to use the word 'please' for him to know that you're begging for your life. "I really don't." 

Pull yourself together, you think. This is not how a BAU agent must react when faced with a threat. But then again, you've only been here for less than a year, and maybe you just don't have it in you to keep your cool the way the rest of your team would. You take a harsh deep breath. 

Spencer has a rather uncanny ability to tune the world out. When he's engrossed in his job, his books, his facts, it's easy to lose himself on them. Specially when the only person who usually listens to him when he externalizes them is away. 

Not away, he thinks. That makes it seem like you're taking a vacation. A small voice in the back of his head wonders where would you go if you were given the chance to. Then, he remembers he might never find out if he doesn't figure this out soon. The case has the team's complete and utter attention, and he knows these are some of the best minds in the Bureau. But he still feels like it's his responsibility to figure it out; he can't help but think that it's what it's expected of him. He wonders if that expectation stems from being a prodigy, or because he's so close to you that it only makes sense it would be him. 

He feels a rush flowing through his veins when he feels like he's close to figuring it out. Then, he's harshly brought back to the reality where he hogs the conference room's table with his map and the team scatters over the rest of the room, working on who-knows-what, by a series of worrying hurried breaths of yours. 

"Okay, okay!" You say, when he roughly yanks you by the hair to keep you still. The knife you thought was previously discarded hovers over your ear. 

"One clean slash, and you'll be out like a light."

You don't find it in yourself to want to test the veracity of that theory out. 

So you realize your only shot at getting out of here might be giving him what he wants. You can't stall anymore, and one side of your brain tells you that it's your team, they'll get here in time, and the other asks itself if that might be a thing that just happens in unrealistic crime shows. 

"I..." You start. You wonder if Spencer is watching this. You would rather have every agent in the FBI hear this, all 35,000 of them, instead of him. You whimper when the knife inches closer to your skin. You can't die. Not here. Is keeping your perception of dignity worth losing your life? "I like my coworker." 

It doesn't satisfy the Unsub. "Which one?" 

You want to refuse to answer, to curl into a ball and cry until you recover the false sense of confidence you walk around with that has now been shattered. You'll get it back, eventually. Not if you die. So you toughen it up, and breathe deep. "Spencer." 

It sounds so stupid. A mere speck in the grand scheme of things, of problems and situations anyone would expect an FBI agent to have. But it's the hardest thing you've ever had to say.

And it's the hardest thing he's ever had to hear. If it were in any other situation, he wouldn't have put it past him to jump in glee. You, with your head always held high, never one to shy away from showing who you were to the world, with your gentle soul that lured him in even when he tried to keep his heart safe from rejection... You liked him. But that's not his focus right now. Even if every single train of thought in his brain has come to a catastrophic halt, he has to focus, because he can't take one more second of seeing you trying to keep calm with a knife to your throat. 

A picture of Hannah Davis, one of the victims from the original case, hung up on the wall behind you ends up giving the Unsub's whole act away. Still, it doesn't make a lot of sense for Hannah to have hung up a picture of herself in her own house, so the team splits to cover both the boyfriend's house and Hannah's. 

It's just a precautionary measure. Spencer knows exactly where you are.

"Oh, Dr. Reid. Idiots interrogated me about once or twice as a witness and he was a real boom with the ladies at the precinct back then. Let me tell you, if I had his charm, I wouldn't have had to resort to killing couples to get off." 

The Unsub lets go of your hair with no warning and your head hangs down as if you were a rag doll. You find it in yourself to hum uninterestedly at his sick attempt of joking. 

You don't think you've ever felt your heart beating as hard as it is right now. And when you tune out the sound of the man talking and rambling about God knows what, you realize that the thumping you hear in your ears isn't your heart. That maybe the creaking on the stairs isn't a product of your delirious mind conjuring up a sequence where you magically get saved from the bad guy.

You sigh when the man behind you yanks you back again. This time, you feel the need to put on a facade. Make it look like you’ve come to terms with it; if this is how you go, then so be it. The knife on your throat makes your heart rate pick back up, but you don't whimper. You wonder if you're trying to keep it together for yourself or because you are ashamed of the image your team will have of you after this if you don't.  

You hear Morgan kick the door down. Usually, you're on the other side of this. You help talk an Unsub down, and then make fun of Morgan after for kicking the door instead of opening it like a civilized FBI agent. Talking them down doesn't always work. Sometimes, you end up with another casualty added to the case. In the worst outcome, you end up with two more. You're not as unafraid as you thought. Please, God, you think. This cannot be the end. 

Morgan screaming at the Unsub to put the knife down falls in deaf ears. It's only white noise to you now, and maybe that stems from the fact that you have been held hostage for what felt like days with no food, no water, no sun, and you feel so close to it being over. Soon, you'll be on a hospital bed, eating food that only the thought of makes you feel nauseated but even that is better than this. Maybe Spencer will sneak you a treat. Or maybe that's wishful thinking. 

As you're dwelling on what the consequences of him potentially hearing your confession might be, you hear a gun go off. You don't even react when the pressure exerted on the right side of your neck, the weight of the arm holding you in place suddenly fades away as your head falls forward. 

You hear the thud of a body hit the ground. Maybe we can still be friends, you try to reason. Spencer drops his smoking gun to a side as Morgan tries to untie your hands behind your back. Maybe he'll reciprocate, or is that too much of a delusion to have even in your incoherent state? Spencer holds you in his arms when you have nothing pushing you back against the chair anymore. 

"I'm sorry," you sob into his shoulder, not an ounce of strength remaining in your body. You were not made for this. Not made for withstanding this kind of torment. If you mean the torment of being kidnapped, or the torment that awaits you once you're not hysterically sobbing in front of the man you're not ready to admit you love, you're not sure. "I'm so sorry." 

"Hey," he says, tenderly. You don't know how much time it's gone by since the last time you saw him. The only thing you know is that this kind of gentleness is now unfamiliar after harsh hands engraved themselves all over you. "Hey, it's okay. What are you sorry for?" 

"I'm sorry," you say, worn out, the words echoing around your head like a DVD screensaver. You then register his question. "For saying that." 

You don't specify what. It's not necessary; it never has been with Spencer. Somehow, you both know exactly what the other means, with just a glance, a brush of an arm when somehow you find yourself trapped in his orbit once again. 

"It's alright," is it? Part of him wonders if being with you might have become even more unattainable now than it was before. If you'll push him away because the memory of the circumstances of your confession is too painful to bear. His hand hovers in the air before he finds a moment where he feels like you won't get up and run away from him if he touches you. You shudder, but ultimately stay right where you are. "Don't cry. You're okay." 

Are we okay? You have to ask. But maybe right now is not the moment. Maybe right now all you want is to be held before everything goes down the drain. You've hit rock bottom, and everyone probably sees it too. Spencer just wishes you find it in your heart to let him be the one to help you out of there. You don't need to yell for help if you have him – the most minuscule mutter of your burdens will be enough to have him snapping into action. He knows what it's like to give every sign that you could ever think of and still have them ignored. He isn't about to let you go through that. 

"We're going to go home now, yeah?" You nod. When you come to it, your fingers ache from holding onto his shirt so hard you want to apologize to him in case you had hurt him. You don't find the words. The rise and fall of his chest had lulled you into the deepest, calmest sleep you have managed to get in a while, even before the kidnapping happened at all, and in this moment, you almost swear that it'll all be okay. 

When you wake up, there's a steady hold in your hand as the ambulance rocks back and forth. 

"God, they need to get that street fixed," you say. You don't recognize your voice, the rasp in your throat being the only thing to confirm that it is indeed you speaking. It takes you a moment to realize that the hand that holds yours firmly is Spencer's. 

You'd be lying if you said you weren't scared to look at him. What would his expression be like? Disgust? Perhaps Morgan made him ride with you until they got to the ambulance. Perhaps he offered to do so because he wanted to do something nice for you before he completely tore your heart to shreds by saying he doesn't like you back. Perhaps-

"We're almost there." The way his voice manages to shut every deprecating thought in your head should be studied. As a reflex, you turn your head to look at him. You wish you hadn't, because the way he looks at you like you're a masterpiece – a rather flawed one, even if he doesn't think so, isn't helping the ache in your chest. Your first thought is that it's awe, but then you think you might want to get that get that checked out when you get to the hospital. 

You barely notice his hand shifting around yours, until it holds your wrist, his thumb pressed softly but firm against your pulse point. He can probably feel the way your heart quickens when he leans in to take a look at your face. 

"Does the light hurt your eyes?" You nod, sluggishly. He turns over to look at the paramedic who sits next to you. You feel a little bit of relief at the fact that no one's hovering over you. It means you're okay. It's all minor. And mostly psychological. Spencer starts listing studies and tests they apparently need to run on you, and while you love the way he rambles, you don't think you can keep up with him without getting a stroke in the process right now.

You doze off again. God, you needed that. You hadn't closed your eyes for more than a couple of seconds during all of your stay in that house. Stay. You don't know what else to call it. 

Emily stayed with you while they checked you out and in her words, it was like you were moving on autopilot. It was unnerving, but the doctors had informed her that there was nothing wrong besides a couple of nasty bruises you would have to spend extra concealer on. 

Spencer offered to stay overnight. One can only imagine how unsettling it was for him to lift his head from his book to see you sitting up like a spring at 2:45 am. 

"Hi," he says, his voice a hushed breath as he sits on the edge of your bed, smiling awkwardly at you. There's no one else in the room, but it's like if any of you speaks louder than a whisper, the bubble you're in will burst. Your chest heaves with hurried breaths, and you rub your eyes.

"Hey." You're already dreading this conversation. Is there any way to go back to before you were kidnapped and forced to confess you're in love with your best friend/coworker? Anyhow, you don't want to stay in the dark anymore and hurry to speak directly to the point. "I don't want things to be weird between us." 

"We haven't even talked for a minute, what do you mean?" 

You let out a short, humorless laugh, which could be easily just interpreted as a hum. You scramble over the clutter that is your mind right now to find a topic that will help you evade the awkwardness. "... Why are you still awake?" 

He didn't expect you to ask that, if the way his gaze drifts to the side is anything to go by. 

"The book was very... interesting, to say the least," he blatantly lies. You don't know if he's a bad liar or if you're just an expert in the Spencer Reid sciences. 

"I'm sure it was." 

You don't speak for a minute. A minute and 33 seconds, he counts, and you're heading strong for a second one when his voice breaks the uncomfortable atmosphere. 

"Listen, I..." 

"I know you heard it." Everyone probably did. And it'll be less humiliating if you act like you don't wish you could just crawl out of your skin and hide. "I'm sorry. I just didn't want to die." 

"I'm glad you said it." 

You don't know if he's glad you said it because otherwise you would have probably bled out before they even got to the house or because the fog that used to sit atop of whatever weird tension you both seemed to develop whenever you were the last ones in the conference room, paired to interview a witness, or sharing the big couch on the jet, is finally cleared up. 

You can't lie and say you're not relieved you did, too.

"I'm glad too," you say, mostly to yourself. Where do you go from here? Spencer knows a lot of things, none of which seem useful at the moment. He's almost tempted to bring Morgan in for moral support; otherwise, he's about to perform the worst ridicule he's ever had the pleasure to star in. 

You wait for him to speak. He doesn't, and instead stares at the bedsheets that look like their sole existence is an offense by the way his brow creases. 

"You look like something's bothering you," you say, tentatively testing the waters. Can you already joke with him, or is it too soon to pretend like everything's okay? "Is it not a nice pattern?" 

He smiles for a split second. You didn't realize the air had been lacking from your lungs until this very second. "The pattern is geometrically off. If you look at it closely, you'll see that the diamonds aren't quite aligned properly. It seems minor, yet it's still evident enough to unconsciously make the pattern less appealing to the eyes. I suppose that's what you get with mass-produced and machine-made products nowadays."

You smile warmly at him. Only then it's that your chest tightens as the realization of just how much you missed just hearing him talk about things that would have never even crossed your mind in a thousand years, dawns upon you.

"Sorry. I forgot my magnifying glass at home." 

"I see you didn't left the wit back there." You smile at him. It feels foreign. Just a second ago you were avoiding looking at him like the mere action of doing so would make you burst into flames on the spot. Your smile is like fuel for the burning courage consuming his insides as he opens his mouth again. "I... I think- No, sorry. I mean, I am certain that..." Okay, Spencer. Great way to start. He tries to gather his thoughts, which proves to be a much harder challenge when they're all a jumbled mess. 

"You like your coworker too?" 

"Yeah," he says. His lips curl into a warm, genuine smile that does wonders at speaking of the deep affection that harbors in the depths of his soul. One only reserved for you. He's quick to repress it because he doesn't want to seem stupid. 

You don't let him throw you off your feet. "Dr. Reid, can you wait until I don't feel and look like a bus just ran over me to confess your unconditional and undying love for me?" 

He wouldn't have expected a different answer from you. The confidence you wear on the outside is a mask for the way he makes you melt like a bar of chocolate in warm weather on the inside. You don't need him to answer to that. He touches your hair, and you turn to look at the bag of skittles placed on the bedside table, and you know he'll gladly wait until you don't feel like you've been stripped of all your defenses. Until you feel like yourself again. 

[ganondoodle]

"bc i find it weird and uncomfortable how nintendo treats and comments on Riju and the gerudo as a whole"

Could you elaborate on this? Outside of men perving on the Gerudo (which is honestly just representative of real life scenarios) I can't think of anything problematic in regards to how they or Riju are treated. (Her being put into power at such a young age is questionable but that's just one of the downfalls of hereditary ruling I think.)

This is genuine, I'm not trying to be sarcastic or obtuse or anything! I never noticed anything overtly concerning so I just was curious what you were referring to. (Sorry I'm sure there's a post or something I missed where you were talking about it.)

so, this ask comes off as a little weird since the Gerudo are very overtly orientalist/racist stereotypes and you can just .. .research it instead but, given that i recently got an ask from someone saying they were 14 i will answer it bc i know sometimes you think first about asking someone about something instead of looking it up yourself

so, mind you, i am not a person of color, and the issues are a giant can of worms i cannot possibly go into every detail of nor know every detail of

the Gerudo, both in older games and new ones (botw/totk) are basically a bunch of stereotypes about black and arab people rolled into one, they are based on a mish mash of middle eatern cultures together with popular stereotypes about them

they wear stupidly impractical sexy clothing for people living in the desert, its very skin exposing (something that is the opposite of what you do living in an environment like that) and based on the wrong but popular idea of the 'belly dancer' outfit- an outfit that isnt sexual but was popularized as something akin to a strippers outfit by western people (colonizers im pretty sure .. who else) and is STILL used as that, they also wear high heels ... in the desert ......... a sand desert .... and wear heavy make up (like hylian women dont)

even worse then that the EXACT SAME outfit is used for the children as well, they too are put into heels, heavy makeup, and that 'belly dancer' outfit which is very VERY uncomfortable if you know what that oufit is largely seen as .. (even if youd try to argue that Riju wears it to seem more like a competent leader, it falls flat bc the children wear the same damn weird outfit as everyone else)

the Gerudo are also all very muscular in a way that no other women is in the game, which plays into the stereotype of black women being more masculine/mannish than uwu frail little white women and thus, among more, less women, or being able to feel less pain (yes that is an actual belief wtf??), while at the same time still sexualized

now in OOT they were thiefing evil women (thief being yet another stereotype for arabs as well as evil) whos only 'good' one both rejecting some of their tradition (kinda playing into the idea of those tradtions being wrong and adhering to the "good" traditions of western people is what makes you good) and is also abused throughout the game; in botw/totk they are not eviiiil but live in a closed to all men city and their entire society revolves around finding a hylian man to marry, their only goal in life is basically to find a man and have a family which i HOPE i dont have to explain why that is problematic (misogyny anyone) while it is treated by other NPCs as something to be conquered, something alien and other that beckons them to invade, they constantly try to get into the city where all da sexyyyy women are (hello????????????) and its less treated as disgusting and more like a haha little joke (in botw theres a guy circling around the city at all times??? excuse me?? and in totk the same guy is SNEAKING ON THE ROOFS OF THE HOUSES IN THE CITY LOOKING TO GET IN?????????????????)

the argument of that just being real life is ... not all wrong per se but the thing is, ONLY the Gerudo are treated like sexy things to be oogled at (both in OOT and botw/totk, possibly even more but i am not as familiar with all games in the franchise) and no other women from any species is eyebrow raising to say the least, and it never really gets called out either beyond making fun of that one guy by scamming him out of his boots by .. pretending to be a girl (pretty sure link is the only non Gerudo that is oogled at by anyone and its the creepiest creep)

then, with Riju in particular its made even worse that she is not just young but VERY young (which also begs the question why the fuck the Gerudo would put someone so young into the seat of leader of their entire region- something also no other race does), shes only 12 in botw and yet, like all the other children too, put into the same kind of outfit, but then theres also the commentary in the concept art book saying that "gerudo age faster than hylians and thats why shes got a mature air to her" which, among being a way to make how shes sexualized (both in outfit and at times camera angles- also applies to Urbosa) seem more okay (its not) and plays into the stereotype that people of color are quicker to gorw up and thus be treated as adults despite being children like any other child- hence why often in the news when a black child is shot they dont call them a child but "young man", using that to subtly shift it to seem more okay (like we are currently seeing in the genocide of palestine, news calling a murdered SIX year old palestinian "YOUNG WOMAN" while calling a 19 year old white soldier lady who got a little bruise an abused child)

and it also applies to Ganondorf, he is the epitome of evil arab men stereotype, power hungry abusive and ruling over lots of women (in this case its his entire race...), (with a hint of antisemitism too, his hooked nose being both used as an overemphasized feature for arabs and jewish people as a sign of their connection to the devil/sing of evil and to other them from white 'good little noses'- (((i want to yell about this so much bc big and hooked noses are so cool and beautiful argh))) and his skin tone being always some strange greyish-yellow color no one else has and even worse mint green in totks official art, despite him being very dark grey in model- green skin being yet another antisemitic trope PLUS playing into the whole idea that being evil means you also LOOK evil, whichs is often, who would have guessed- anything that isnt the traditional western beauty ideal of thin thin white and young)

while also in totk, he as well is sexualized with his new revealing outfit and the weird constant emphasis on how he is meant to be sexy to everyone alike (and it not being apparent in the game nor used in it) in multiple interviews with the main people in charge of the franchise- and his evilness being what all the Gerudo must atone for, they birthed this eviiil man (who is evil from birth i guess bc thats totally fine and logical) and they have to bear that sin for all eternity (as in dialog about him in the gerudo sage cutscene, plus the whole idea of the closed off city, despite there having been no ganondorf in thousands of years, being closed of to men as to shut out any potential Ganondorf or similar evil? though the latter im not sure how supported it is .. i cant remember every line of dialog ok) while the hyrulean monarchy and its uwu blonde god descdendants are never even confronted with the horrible shit they did, bc its fine if they torture and murder people (OOT and possibly more), chase them into the void or persecute their own servants bc da king got afraid they could rise up against him- with their only choice being give up their tech and knowledge to live under the royal rule (botw/totk ancient shiekah- shiekah, and its presented as a good thing, we are all happy beign the eternal servants of the monarchy :)))) or be killed, and the ones resisting are eviiiill and now a cult and also very stupid and silly and not to be taken seriously (yiga) while its mentioned once as a fun fact and never ever mentioned again, bc, the hyrulean monarchy is all god descendant uwu white blonde people that are so good you guys, everything they do is in the name of good uwu and neva to be questioned uwu bc obviously everyone that opposed to them is evil bc they are the perfectest good guys uwu

youd think, and i hoped, they would do better by now, in botw, the gerudo are not well done at all, different than before but still bad, but at least they introduced other people with darker skin tones that arent Gerudo so they are not the literal only people with non white skin anymore- but with totk espeically, they had the chance to make Ganondorf into an interesting villain with a point, maybe not even full blown villain, bc he has a point- he does but its not treated as such, its treated as if he is the most blatantly flat evil guy ever- even more flat and one note evil than all his previous appearances, which is frankly, quite insulting to say the least

look i wanted to keep it short but here we are, i dont know if this anon was genuinely being genuine or not (since bigots like to act all non offensive and like to ask you to explain your very obvious point ..) but i dont htink i ever talked about it as a whole so eh- i probably missed stuff but anyway, heres a good video about it for zelda in particular

[playstar]

So, you're a Pricefielder and your virtual girlfriend broke up with you…

I get it, breakups are painful. I lost my love of my life when my plane crashed in the artic and I was frozen for 70 years. Then I was awoken, witnessed my Peggy die of old age and I had a weird, short-lived fling with her great-niece. After that, not unlike Max Caulfield, I traveled back in time to be with my Peggy again. (Please, don't ask about Bucky. That's a sensitive topic for me.) So, yes, I get longing that transcends space and time.

But sometimes you have to move on.

I know you love Chloe Price very much. She's a great, fun character. The perfect, how do say, "Chaotic Lesbian"? And Max and Chloe are a wonderful couple. They are a big reason why I played through LiS 1 three times. I love to see them be happy and gay together!

But maybe that's not an interesting story?

In preparation for Double Exposure I caught up with the Life is Strange comics from Emma Vieceli, Claudia Leonardi and Andrea Izzo. You probably think "What! Not only did Captain America play the games, he read the comics, too?" Yes! We didn't had electronic games in the Forties, but I love videogames now. They are such an interesting medium to tell stories in. I especially love the games where you don't have to shoot anyone. And of course I love comics! Big fan since that Superman guy appeared in Action Comics #1.

Here's the thing: I like the LiS comics. All my favorite characters are back being happy, cute and are even doing a cool road trip after they finally got out of the uninteresting LA storyline. We get to see Chloe und Max together and at the end of the story they live a fulfilled life. Before that we get to see Rachel and Chloe together in a different dimension, being also super cute. I don't regret reading those comics. They're from fans for fans with a lot of interesting ideas and concepts that I already see reappearing in Double Exposure.

But those comics are so boring to read!

There's barely any conflict and barely any stakes. No bad guys, no villians, no really deep problems, nothing that makes them interesting. It's six issues of sweet fan service. A fan service that feels like nothing. Barely anything substantial happens in them. I would never recommend them to a non LiS fan. I just hope the True Colors comics from Zoe Thorogood are a better read.

Now imagine a similar Life is Strange game without any conflicts. That's boring! Stories need conflict! I watched multiple seasons of the time travel/history drama Outlander and even perfect couple Claire and Jaimie went through some conflicts and rough patches, too!

I think I know what it is: This fandom is obsessed with Chloe. Like I said, she's a great character, but also she's a huge, pardon my french, bitch. A super annoying and insecure girl constantly pissed about everything. Ugh, no. That's what you're into, really?

Life is Strange is more than Pricefield. We even had two great games with LiS 2 and True Colors that were not about Chloe and Max! And isn't Max allowed to kiss other girls? Is a developer not allowed to tell new stories with old characters? Are fictional characters and real-life developers not allowed to move on from the past?

Speaking of videogame developers: Did you know that in one ending of LiS 1 Chloe can die? And that this ending is a choice in not only Life is Strange 2 and Wavelenghts, but also in Double Exposure? And because of that the developers are being forced to write a story around a character that has the possibility of being dead. Gosh darn, that's quite a Schrödinger's cat, I'm telling you! Game development is already hard enough, but trying to do basically a whole seperate game with a living Chloe running around would have make things unnecessary hard for the devs. So, what's the solution? Find a way to have Chloe not in the game. I know what's in the game is not how you would have preferred it, but it is what it is. You don't have to like it...

But you don't have to be mean about it.

The LiS fan community is on the brink of turning into a toxic cesspool like it happened with other fandoms. Some of you have already harassed developers at Deck Nine who probably had nothing to do with Chloe not being in the game. You don't want to be like the Star Wars fans hating on cool and interesting stuff like The Last Jedi or The Acolyte. Neither do you want be like the Silent Hill fans hating the new Silent Hill 2 Remake, which seems to be a pretty good game. (Sadly, hating new Silent Hill stuff is not new for them. They we're neglected by Konami and for a long time only got bad HD re-releases and Silent Hill pachinko machines. They can't remember a time when they were not depressed. For them, it's always like this.)

But you can be better, dear Life is Strange fans.

Just look at Remedy fans! They were waiting thirteen years for a sequel to Alan Wake and finally got one last year! The Remedy fandom is one of the most uplifting and positive fandoms I experienced. They're always stoked about new games by Remedy and are okay with changes to lore and characters.

As Captain America I get trying to hold on to the past. The past is comfortable. Change is scary. It takes time to get used to new things.

But change doesn't have to be a bad thing. It brings new opportunities.

To quote Max herself from Double Exposure: "There's so much more to your life than just the past. It's hard, but try to move on."

[bobosbillionsknives]

i agree with a lot of your points about knives, i do also think he is aroace of some kind (demi imo), but the way he ignores bodily autonomy wasn't a theme that was new to stampede. the way he consumes other plants and forced vash to use his angel arm are examples of it, though less explicitly 'sexual'. either way, his actions weren't born out of sexual attraction, he simply thinks that all plants are an extension of himself and he can use their bodies as he pleases since its for a 'greater purpose'. he is not a predator but he isn't innocent either

Oh no no no no no no no I do NOT wanna give the impression that I am genuinely defending knives is ANY way. 😭

I completely agree with everything you're saying. He is inarguably abusive. Saying he's not would be a wild ass claim to make. 🙏 My only argument here is that it isn't specifically sexual, but I'll get more into that in a bit. 😝 I have SO MUCH to say abt this...so I'm gunna use this as an excuse to word vomit on y'all. Thank you for bringing this to me I am itching.CRAVING to talk about my favorite girls always. 🤗💖

INSANE ESSAY POSTING LETS GOO !!!

I think your point on Knives seeing the plants as an extension of himself is SPOT ON!!! He does the same thing with Vash too. He's doing it because hes so stuck up his own ass he seriously thinks there is no possible way he could ever be wrong, everyone else is just too blind or stupid to see it his way. That's why he does the whole "eternal suffering for Vash the Stampede" bit. He genuinely cannot comprehend that Vash just fundamentally disagrees with him. He thinks if Vash goes out and sees every horrible thing a human can be he'll finally give up the hippy dippy act and face this false reality Knives made up as a coping mechanism so he never has to actually face any of his problems. Cause stabbing all your problems away is waaaaay easier than actual growth or change. Top ten girls who are trapped by the horrors of their past 😂!

Knives has a blatant misunderstanding of people's worth outside of himself. He disregards the lives of others constantly, he literally murdered 20 mil+ and was genuinely confused when Vash was mad at him for it. He doesn't take anything seriously. He especially doesn’t take physical pain seriously, unless it’s happening to himself. [DID YOU ACTUALLY SHOOT ME!!?] He's said that he knows none of the crazies he sends after Vash can ever kill him. He thinks if they can't kill him, then none of the hurt Vash experiences during these fights really count. Its always a game to him. He knows Vash will be fine because he has faith in his ability to fight. (He's complimented his fighting skills several times lol.) Yet he’s consistently shocked and disgusted when he sees Vashes scars, like he didn’t play a role in that ??? He just never thought of it until it was literally staring him in the face.

HE THINKS EVERYTHINGS A DAMN GAME !!!!!

Knives never really wants to force Vash to agree with him either, he's literally waited decades for him to come around to his point. He's definitely lashed out violently before, and has disregarded his safety. But I don't think he actually even likes seeing Vash in pain 😭 (maybe a little in a Itoldyouso brother kinda way lol.) He's completely horrified when he sees his scars. This panel speaks absolute VOLUMES to me. He is angry that Vash would allow people to hurt him this much. (Bro is for sure a victim blamer 🥱 Vash OBVIOUSLY should've known humans are evil and would do this to him. 🙄 HIS FAULT !) Those scars solidify in his mind that his brother is reckless, and clearly doesn't know what's best for himself. That's why he feels the right to "save" him from humans. Knives out of anyone in the world knows how much Vash disregards his own life. He's angry that his own brother would choose the perceived violence of humanity instead of the safety he has worked SO hard to cultivate for over a hundred years. After everything they learned from their childhoods, Vash would have to be deaf and dumb to keep crawling back to them. (From his perspective anyway.)

Everything Knives does he thinks is to better Vashes life. That's what makes him such a tragic character to me. He genuinely believes he's in the right and doing everything he has to so him and his brother can feel that safety that was never guaranteed to them in childhood. He loves Vash, (PLATONICALLY !!!! 😰) He wants Vash to be happy. He just doesn't understand why, that despite everything, living alongside the humans is what makes him happy. Something he only accepts at the end of trimax when he literally trees himself to assumed death so Vash could have that. Knives is unambiguously in the wrong, but I do think his thought processes are sympathetic. WRONG. But like .I get it girl. Besides, he acts more like a toxic mother than anything. How DARE you be so ungrateful after everything I've ever done for you that you've never even asked for. ✋😒 and EXPLICITLY told me not to do. Ugh. 🙄 you don't even love me…guess im just a terrible brother than huh…🥀 BITCH SHUT UP !!!!

Now about the asexuality, not only...do I think Knives is aroace. I think he's completely sex REPULSED!!!!! Sex is a mark of human degeneracy, animals clinging for power over each other. Hed think hes above it !! It would disgust him, I don't think he's ever had a sexual thought in his life. He’s also a Jesus freak he'd think procreation in general is a sin 🙄‼️ik his interpretation of the bibles gotta be INSANE. Exploring sensuality is like a normal and healthy thing to do no fucking WAY Knives is self aware enough to do all that. If he could experience any kind of libido, his hatred of humans would never allow him to explore it anyway. Since sex is such a huge part of human culture. He probably thinks consensual sex is a myth humans made up to assault each other easier…😭

this is literally him bro I can't see him any other way...🚬 He's literally a pearl clutching mom who refuses to understand anyone else's experiences because he doesn't understand them.

I can't imagine him being able to feel romantic love either...I actually think it would be pretty out of character ngl. Plus I think it could be an interesting element of why he feels so disconnected from humanity in general. It would be part of why he feels the need to define himself as alien. Knives would rather die than admit this, (and he did) but all he's ever wanted was understanding. The same way Vash does. Knives doesn't understand sexuality/romance, or deep empathy, or most social confinements at all. That's clear by his inappropriate emotional reactions and lack of a filter. He can't feel emotions the same way Vash or Rem can. It makes it very difficult for him to relate to and connect with others. Especially Rem. He feels too wrong, too broken, too alien. But he's convinced himself that this is actually a superiority. So he can sleep at night. But he's far more human than he'll ever be willing to accept. The familial love he feels for Vash is the only thing that makes him feel normal. And it's why he clings to it so desperately. I think that feeling being explicitly familial makes the most sense for the story.

(cut for explicit talk of SA/CSA)

Im never one to dismiss bad actions from a fictional character. If I thought Knives was a sexual abuser, id say it. I even considered it before I watched/read Trigun and kept it in mind the whole time because of how prevalent of a take it is. If anything, I feel like theres more evidence for metaphorical depictions of Knives BEING sexually abused than being the sexual abuser. I mean his literal whole thing is how plants bodies are used and abused against their will. Solely for the humans gain. While it's slowly and painfully killing them. And how afraid he is that they'll do it to him too....😭 He would be absolutely HORRIFIED by SA. I just don't think it's an abuse he'd perpetuate. It goes against literally everything he stands for. I get he’s a hypocrite and all but I could just never see Knives of all people doing anything sexually ever. ESPECIALLY for his own pleasure.

Both Vash and Knives read to me as CSA victims. This would need to be a separate post all together because there is entirely just too much to say. But I feel very strongly about this interpretation and it's why I'm so firm on this. Sexual abuse is a huge theme in trigun OBVIOUSLY!! And Vash and Knives can easily represent different ways people cope with trauma like that. Knives gets angry, and bitter, and lashes out. While Vash shuts himself off, and tries to run away from it all. Two extremes from two brothers. Two sides of the same coin and all that. They've been victimized, I think it's the main reason why Knives would be so angry and distrustful of humans. Now I know Steve was kind of a throw away character from the anime- but I believe long term interpersonal abuse from a human early in life would explain a lot of the deep rooted hatred Knives has for humanity. Along with his hatred for Rem if she failed to protect them, and his deep sense of entitlement to protect Vash if Vash couldn't protect himself. (Tesla was the last straw for Knives bc at least for a while he thought he could trust Conrad till all that happened and he realized the only person he could ever trust was Vash, and that fear never really left him even 100+ years after.) (My interpretation of Conrads role is also a different post gerrrrr TOO MUCH TO SAY.)

Knives' ideology has always been inconsistent, I can easily see him disregarding autonomy in some ways but refusing to in others and never making a mental connection between the two. Plus Knives would think Vashes scars are shameful and disgusting. He probably cant even make himself look at him let alone touch him be so fr. Knives' definitely has an unhealthily attachment to Vash but not in a sexy sex or ROMANCE way ���‍♂️ ITS JUST HIS BPD YA’LL 😝‼️#favoriteperson #extremefearofabandonment #vashkeepsleavinghim (also another separate insane essay post) there is no argument here that Knives isn’t extremely bad at emotional regulation. Familial/platonic dynamics like that happen literally all the time it’s just not evidence of anything to me. I can't even see Knives directly punching someone let alone be capable of sexual violence against his own BROTHER ? I'd argue he's far more verbally/emotionally abusive than he ever is physically anyway. He doesn't even kill directly, it's always either done without a second thought by his powers, indirectly by starving the population out, or by making other people do it for him. He doesn't seem to actually enjoy seeing people in pain, more the satisfaction of a job well done. I don't see why this wouldn't apply to Vash too? He doesn't even usually initiate their physical fights. Vash does. (He has every right to, for the record. Knives just doesn't comprehend why Vash would be mad so he always tries to talk like everything is normal. Lol.) And when they are fighting he always puts his hand on his face ?? More annoying than a direct indication of violence. He could just punch him or something but he doesn't? Like violence in Trigun isn't a thing known to happen. Idk I think that's interesting and worth exploring a bit yk ???

Obviously he chopped his arm off I'm not saying he's innocent there either, just that he's more likely to be emotionally manipulative than explicitly interpersonally violent LOOLL. He didn't chop off his brothers arm because he enjoyed it, to him that pain is neutral. It was just a super casual reminder. But SEXUAL violence is completely different, sure it'll leave scars but you can heal from physical pain all day and night I mean commooon it barely even COUNTS as real pain. (Because he rarely has to experience it.) (A certain someone's got a major empathy problem.) And if it kills you it doesn't matter cuz you're already dead 😝!! But SA is different. It's his worst fear and greatest agony. It's something he knows sticks with you your whole life, he doesn't think that's a wound capable of being healed. (So he never tries and chooses to live in constant fear and anger instead.) That's how I see it anyway...🤕 Again it's not like he's a reasonable guy he is known to be a bit unstable idk if u knew...

Actually if anything, I think Vash would be the more interpersonally violent of the two. (Vashes abuse is always reactionary tho he would never act like that if Knives would just be normal lol he is not the aggressor here.) I can't see Knives punching Vash but I could VERY easily see Vash punching Knives ykwim ??? (For trimax anyway, ik kid Knives beats the shit out of him in 98 which I DO think is funny. But I don't accept into my personal canon okay LISTEN we are talking about a lot of conflicting characterizations here. JUST HEAR ME OUT. ✋) Knives never even really blames Vash for BLOWING HIS LEGS OFF in July too, which I always thought was so interesting. It makes me think this is actually a common thing for them to the point that they don't even argue about it outside of "are you actually aiming at me again 🙄?" Which is more bitchy than angry. Like ugh I can't believe you. Typical, typical Vash. 🥱 He'd probably use it as a way of proving to him that they are the same. And despite denying it, Vash would actually agree and feel a deep sense of shame abt it. He's had 150 years of pent up anger after all. He almost killed him with a rock once lol. I'm tired of everyone woobifying Vash as some kind of perpetual uwu victim. Vash is fucking mean sometimes. He is just as capable of violence as Knives is. The same way Knives is just as capable of great kindness. It is known that Vash is in fact physically STRONGER than Knives. (With his plant powers and id assume in general because Vash actually goes outside while Knives reads in his garden all day.) I truly believe that the only reason Knives ever wins the sibling fights is because of Vashes constant hesitance. He's not a battered wife stereotype. All Vash wants is control over his own life, the last thing he'd want to see himself as is a helpless victim. It's why he always pretends nothing is ever wrong with him. It's why he doesn't accept help, and values other people's problems far above his own. His kindness was always an active choice and that's why he's such a powerful character. And Knives would bring out the absolute worst in him LOOL all that work he's done to better himself is instantly thrown out the window the second Knives' very punchable face walks in the room.

He was fighting absolute demons not to run over and beat tf out of Knives in this panel

This is why I feel so disgusted by stampede and the way they handled their relationship. They've dumbed down these characters to the point that they are unrecognizable. Literally every aspect of stampedes portrayal of them feels like a first conclusion based on a synopsis of their goals and personalities. I get there's only one season but that's a LOT to fuck up in one season bro. 😭. There is absolutely no salvaging Nai as a character for me. I'd cover my drink around that guy I find him genuinely repulsive. At least with trimax, you can read around an initial sussy reading if you wanted. How anyone defends Nai, I don't even know. That whole plant insemination thing is pretty on the nose y'all. Literally doesn't even make sense for him to do that like? Why would he want more independent plants??? It's like they tried to make Knives' motivations make sense when the whole point should be that they don't. He's fighting ghosts out of fear. Stampede wasn't even good enough to justify its own existence by how it looks. Adding peculiar plant pregnancy preggo fetish incest bait is just the turd on the turd cake. They ruined the most compelling part of the story for me. Pfft.... But whatever...🚬 not like I care ....🚬

Not to mention Legato y'all don't even get me started. The guy that HATES humans more than anything in the world taking in a HUMAN -SEX TRAFFICKING VICTIM. The one time he's ever taken pity on a human being and it was someone who was the victim of a violent sex crime. Yeah guys that dude. Total raper. Defo a brother diddler. What the fuck are we talking about right now y'all. I genuinely feel like sexual violence would be the last thing knives would ever do ever. I understand that there are sus scenes in the manga that could be interpreted this way, but considering the many themes in Trigun and his place in the story as a whole, I think it is such a misrepresentation. And it frustrates me to see it as one of the only things talked about in regards of his character. If I could, I'd rewrite every scene in the world so people could understand what I see, but I can't. And I know I can't control how other people see the media I like. Trigun is extremely interpretive, and I understand why this is a common conclusion. But I guess I just can't shake the feeling that it's more complicated than that. I have criticisms with trimax and ESPECIALLY 98. And there's obvi a lot id change to fit what I'd find most interesting. (Also why every headcanon revolves around Knives somehow teehee) BUUUUUT I do think all of my analysis is pretty based in canon. I can't stress how insane I am about this and how much I've thought about it 🤕🤕🤕🤕🤕. Believe me, I've considered every obstacle. And I've stayed consistent.

Knives is a raper feels like the easy answer to me. To be completely blunt, it's just not as compelling. Vash and Knives would both have very complicated relationships with their bodies and sensualities and gender and their relation to their plantself and their humanself and blah blah blah whatever. I'd much rather explore that as a separate result of the same abuse than default to supercestsimulator69. Knives is already an abuser. Making him a sexual aggressor too doesn't really add anything to the story besides diminish and dumb down his very complex motivations. Vash and Knives should be very good friends who know each other better than anyone. (They are trauma bonded like CRAAAZZY, very codependent like y'all get it.) I think that would make their conflict SO much more interesting. While providing some great context to why Vash is so willing to give every horrible person he meets a second chance at life. If I saw my brother, who I love, and is my best friend in the whole wide world, slowly deteriorate under the pressure of the abuse we we're BOTH experiencing; go fucking crazy and kill everyone. And I KNEWW. He genuinely believed he was doing what he had to do to protect the both of us...I'd probably also give everyone the benefit of the doubt idk. Vash understanding Knives' motivations but still holding on to that (justified) resentment and anger is ESSENTIAAAL to their dynamic and also literally all of Trigun. Sexual abuse throws a rock in all of this. If anything I think Knives would tell Vash "I'm the only one who WOULDN'T assault you. They're human, they'll only see you for how useful you are. It's what they do. It's what you know they do. You're choosing them over me the same way Rem chose Steve over us." Knives' abuse is complicated and multifaceted, not just some gross display of power. He's not even the most power hungry character in the world. He's got a whole cult dedicated to him that he canonically IGNORES.

And he sure as shit doesn't respect people who are desperate for power over others!! He'd think he's above that too. Just more evidence of human deviance. (Like the scene in 98 where kid Vash and Knives are watching the humans fight over water. Animals who think one is more deserving of resources than the other.) He's narcissistic in the literal diagnosable sense but definitely not some kinda megalomaniac. I think that's a huge mischaracterization. He doesn't want to rule the world, he wants to destroy it. And he wants Vash to be his equal in this, he respects Vash. (as far as someone like Knives can respect anybody at all) He doesn't understand why Vash would choose to be so "dumb" because he's never allowed himself to feel the vulnerability of potential harm that Vash wants him to understand is worth it. It's why he locks himself away from the world, he's afraid of being victimized again. Knives' morals are all over the place, he genuinely doesn't think murder is bad but would consider sexual violence to be the worst thing anyone could ever do EVER. It's not like we're talking about the beacon of reason and consistency here y'all, Knives is cray cray sauce.

Anyway that's my thoughts, sorry this took forever to answer. 😿 And ended up being SOOO long.. I've on and off mauled over this writing and rewriting again trying to make any of my garbled thoughts make any sense. Hope it resonates with anybody at least bc I genuinely feel like I've been taking crazy pills lately LOOL. Take care of yourselves everyone. 💖 Never an easy subject to talk about.

[magoapple]

Opposites?

Seungmin x Neutral Reader

Word Count: 1.2k

Genre: kinda enemy to lovers fluff

Warnings: sassy seungmin but that's not a warning you know what you're getting into

Summary: Seungmin is sassy and looks like a puppy while you look sassy but are like a golden retriever. Do opposites attract or are you really opposites to begin with? And what happens when Seungmins sarcastic jokes go to far?

When the guys first met you, they were positive you and Seungmin would get along because you just had this sassy look to you. They soon figured out they were very wrong. You and Felix were actually the ones to get along the most. The two of you would joke non-stop, and the guys learned you were nothing more than a golden retriever. Han would often make jokes saying you and Seungmin were a perfect match because he looked like a puppy but was super sassy, and you were the complete opposite.

The members loved when you would visit because they felt like they could just be themselves around you. Seungmin, however, disliked when you would come over. You were always joking and laughing with the members, yet it seemed you could never tell when he was joking or not. You being over always made his head hurt because he was constantly rolling his eyes. Today when Felix invited you over, things were actually peaceful for once, but that all started to change.

You and Felix were playing UNO and the game was getting pretty intense. You had just laid down your third draw 2 card, leaving Felix to pick up 12 cards in total. “Oh my god Y/N why would you do this?!” You didn't even need a second to think before spitting out the your mom card. Seungmin took in a deep breath and quickly got up. “You know Y/N you want to hear a joke?”

You looked suspicious but nodded your head. “Um, sure why not.” Seungmin gave a disappointed look before speaking. “You know, I really like walks, especially when they're taken by the people who irritate me.” You were straight up confused. Until his words registered in your mind. “Oh��� Do I annoy you, Seungie?”

Seungmin would often make these sarcastic jokes with the members all the time. Felix placed his hand on your shoulder and shook his head. “He's just being sassy Y/N he jokes like that with all us.”

“Oh Seungmin is that true, for a second I thought I really bothered you, if I did, I'd feel bad.” You gave him a gentle smile and Seungmin felt a little bad but brought himself back to the present. “Yeah joking… Why don't you guys play this somewhere else, I'm trying to relax.” Felix rolled his eyes and helped you pick up the cards before heading to his room with you. “Don't worry about him, he's just mister grumpy pants.”

“Are you sure? He did seem really upset, I just don't want to be rude. I am a guest here, after all.” Felix comforted you for a few minutes before you guys went back to playing your game. You two only played for another hour before watching a movie. Halfway through the film, Felix had fallen asleep and you sighed. That left you and Seungmin as the only two awake and in the dorm.

You carefully walked into the living room and heard the soft sounds of voices playing on the TV. As you got closer, you saw Seungmin was on his phone and you smiled. He was actually adorable when not being a sassy pant. The moment was ruined as your foot stepped on a creaky board, sending his head snapping in your direction. “What are you doing?” You fiddled with your fingers before sitting on the couch. “Um, Felix is sleeping, and he's my ride so yeah.”

“Well, just get an Uber, I'm trying to enjoy my alone time.” You didn't say anything and just sat there. You knew how Seungmin was, but today it seemed like he wasn't joking. “Do I really bother you that much? So much that it's painful to just have me sit here, even if I was quiet?”

Seungmin rolled his eyes. “Well, you're not being quiet so… I don't know.” You huffed. “I'll never understand you, I try to be nice, and I understand you're the sarcastic one, but there are limits Seungmin limits.” You got up and grabbed your stuff, not even checking if you had everything. “When Felix wakes up, tell him I went home.”

Seungmin didn't bother nodding his head, he just went back to his phone. He did feel a little bad about how he worded his words. Then again, if you said you knew he was sarcastic, then you shouldn't have taken his words seriously. He sat for a few seconds before rubbing his hand across his face. “Ugh, why do I care.”

Seungmin was really questioning himself as he stood up and walked outside. He let out a thankful sigh when he saw you still standing by the bus stop. “Bus hasn't come by yet?” His force scared you and you jumped in place. “Geez next time announce your presence, you scared the living shit out of me!”

For the first time today, Seungmin smiled. “My bad, listen I apologize for earlier, I forgot you're not like the guys.”

“Well, what is that supposed to mean?” Seungmin sat down on the bench and ran his fingers through his hair. “I guess I just mean you're different, I didn't mean to make you think I was being serious.” You sat down next to him, looked his way. A blush spread across your face when his eyes met yours. “I just was convinced I was annoying you, and no one wants to be an annoyance to their crush.”

You dryly chuckled before realizing what you had said. There was no taking it back now because, sadly, life did not have a reset button. “You like me?”

“Uh, yeah, I really thought it was obvious.” Seungmin blinked. “I mean like why I'm like a sarcastic bag of sassy, and you're super adorable who gets hurt at my jokes.” You scoffed while hitting him with your shoulder. “Okay ouch, but I don't always get hurt, just here recently when I was catching feelings. I thought it was obvious and so when you kept making your jokes It seemed like you were being serious, and it hurt.”

Seungmin didn't mean to hurt you if he did. “Well, I'm sorry it seemed that way… Um, why don't we head inside and watch something, it's getting cold out here.” You nodded and agreed with him, as it was getting a bit chilly. “Yeah, I'd like that.”

As Seungmin got up, he held out his hand for you. This was like the first time he was being like a gentleman towards you. “Wow, Kim Seungmin, this is a new side to you.” He laughed, opening the dorm door for you as well. “What can I say, I'm secretly like the nicest person you'll meet?”

“Well, I'll be the judge of that if… You know you'd ever want to maybe spend time together just us not the other members.” Seungmin thought for a few seconds. “You know I might just enjoy that.” You both exchanged smiles and plopped on the couch, finishing the film Seungmin was watching. After a while Felix had woken up and walked into the living room.

He had to rub his eyes multiple times to see if what he was looking at was true. You were sleeping with your head on Seungmins shoulder, and Seungmin was fine with it. He was even laying his on top of yours. “Oh my God, what happened?" Seungmin gently shrugged his shoulders.

“We talked now shh Y/N is sleeping.” Felix was confused but also to tired to judge. After he left Seungmin rested his head back in yours and closed his eyes. He could definitely get used to this.

◄Tumblrs system works on reblogs so if you'd like to support my content please reblog but do NOT feel obligated to►

[jaywalkers]

hi róisín, since ur in med, i was wondering : is aftg v medically accurate ?

hihi! i'll preface with that i'm not a med student, i'm a final year paramedic student, but i think my scope and areas of practice fit the antics the foxes get into in aftg enough to comment on it!

i won't talk on aftg's take on medications, antipsychotics or otherwise, because a lot of other lovely people who are far more educated on the topic have written about it! when it comes to aftg's treatment of injuries, though, i do have some things to say.

i'm going to tee up a couple of examples of frontline medical treatment in aftg and make some comments on them! granted they're very messy, but i hope they're understandable enough.

from the best, to the worst:

kevin's hand

i don't think it's unfeasible that kevin was back to playing capacity two years after his injury happened — while i think that his hand was probably severely fractured, and there was likely different fingers involved too, with good surgical intervention (which he was likely able to access) hand fractures, even complex ones, can be healed enough in 4-6 months.

the ligament injuries would be the more pertinent, and i think those would be the more pressing concern for him outside of the healed bones, considering ligament injuries can cause chronic issues not limited to pain. i would be surprised if abby was the sole medical provider for the foxes, because while she does appear to be a well-rounded sports nurse, kevin probably would have needed to work with a dedicated physiotherapist and/or a hand specialist to get the use of his hand semi-back to normal.

other questions abt kevin's medical problems? please observe here

2. neil's wounds post baltimore

when it comes to how these wounds are treated by medical staff, i have no concerns. the hospital neil is brought to by the FBI seems to have treated the wounds well and left him to sleep off any negative follow-on effects from the chloroform. the only thing i have qualms with is the implication from the hotel scene that the hospital has put an adhesive dressing over neil's burn on his cheek, which is a big no in wound-dressing — burned skin is very delicate, and adhesives can damage or rip it away with removal. it's why we use glad-wrap in the prehsopital setting for burns, because it's sterile and not sticky!

abby, when she gets her hands on neil, changes the bandages so the wounds can be visualised and aired out, cleans them again, and then re-dresses them cleanly. i have no issues here.

when it comes to how these wounds are treated by andrew, i have only this text from my brother when he first read the series a couple of years ago

throughout the series, including post-nest, andrew is constantly getting his grubby little mitts in neils fresh wounds. he should not be doing that. in particular in the hotel scene he peels away the adhesive dressing over a burn which is just a recipe for tissue-loss, severe pain, and increased risk of infection. i don't know how abby didn't scream because i would have.

just andrew. in general. yikes, my dude. don't do that.

3. jean

jean. he is the kicked dog of this series and i genuinely don't know how he was alive at the start of the book series, let alone at the end. at the start of the series, he has (according to the EC) experienced not only numerous fractures to various bones, but has had two incidences where he 'bashed his head open on the concrete', and needed 266 stitches total. also ten incidences of waterboarding.

if we break this down: that's two major head injuries, multiple incidences of significant amounts of blood loss, and ten incidences of asphyxial peri-arrest events.

it's further implied by both the novels and the extra content that jean was not given time to heal from these injuries, and instead had to play games. add to that the hours of the nest and the living conditions, and i actually cannot fathom how jean was not yet dead, by either a single incident or the culmination of many. exy is a contact sport. those head injuries, plus an accidental shoulder-check into the plexiglass could have, and should have killed him.

i'm glad he didn't. i think it's important that he didn't. but it is a miracle of biology and the sanctity of his cerebral blood vessels that he stays alive to the end of the books.

---

anyway i hope this all makes a bit of sense! im writing this half-mad with eight hours until my last exam for my 2nd to last semester so i'm running on energy drinks and way too much memorisation work of how benzos work. thank you for the question! and as always, please field more my way i LOVE this stuff.

[yrrtyrrtwhenihrrthrrt]

I am Never Not Thinking about Comic Ambrosius y'all

This mf was clearly so obsessed with Ballister, constantly showing up to "thwart" his plans without ever seeming to take it seriously, seemingly just as an excuse to be around him. He acts like a bratty thirteen-year-old with a crush who never got taught to express it properly.

He seems to live in his own little world, where he and Ballister have this silly little Nemesis relationship that's just a part of a game instead of the deeply fractured and tragic thing that it was. Presumably because it's easier to deal with than the guilt.

In the prison scene, he seems to completely ignore when Ballister basically tells him to shut the fuck up, continuing to reminisce fondly as though they're still friends. I really feel like he lives in his own little reality half the time. Living in a little world where they're playing a game of cops and robbers and they're still close deep down, even if he isn't doing it consciously, is a lot easier than acknowledging his guilt and the pain he caused someone he loved.

I think this is the reason he didn't apologize for so long, and also the reason his memory is so shit even before the head injuries. He legitimately cannot remember exactly what happened at the joust. He wanted so hard to believe it was an accident, to live in a world where it was an accident, that his brain created a false reality and erased the parts of his own memories that contradicted that. He didn't even realize that he hadn't apologized. He is horrified to receive that information. His brain constructed a reality where they had already made up, even though he knew they hadn't. His memories got so jumbled between his imagined and true experiences that he just assumed he must have already apologized, because he was sorry, why wouldn't he have?

I'm not trying to say that he was struggling with psychosis, he knew what was and wasn't real. But his brain dealt with guilt and trauma in very disorienting ways, choosing to ignore or erase truths that hurt him.

I can't imagine what their healing journey must have been like. Imagine trying to un-fuck the thing you fucked up the most in your entire life while also learning how to exist without the ability to walk unassisted, and possibly also recovering from brain damage, dysmorphia from your face getting shredded, and a myriad of other injuries. I cannot imagine the self-worth of someone who is being cared for by the person they love the most, who they irreparably hurt, while also feeling like a burden because they are newly disabled and can't yet take care of themselves.

Also it makes me sad when people talk like Blackheart would hate/be cruel to him post-comic like he wasn't willing to die/kill his friend to save him. He'd give him a ton of shit all the time probably but he'd also protect him like a wolfhound change my mind okay I'm done thanks for coming to my Ted talk

[worstvideogamesong-poll]

Worst Video Game Song Tournament - Round 2 Match 5

Know What I Mean? - Mario Party 2

VERSUS

The Yoshi Clan - Yoshi's New Island

FIGHT!

I would recommend listening to as much as you can of each song before voting, but how you choose is up to you! Remember to be civil in the tags and replies!

Propaganda under cut:

Know What I Mean?:

"#i'm going with the mario party #it's SO off-tune and off-beat constantly #which i think is intentional but #i hate it"

(in reference to its previous match) "#this literally isn't even a fight. coughing baby vs nuclear bomb level matchup. what the fuck was that mario song. who thought that was a #good idea. i want to have words with them."

"#kwim is overstimulation in its purest form #it's the musical equivalent of getting nonstop discord notifications while looking for something i dropped while someone is talking to me"

"#know what i mean absolutely ROCKS. horrible. rocks so hard. they did the same thing that yoshi clan did. im guffawing"

The Yoshi Clan:

"the ass band will play a song of farts to celebrate your failure"

"#FUCK YOU YOSHI"

"#yoshi sounds like suck"

"#YOOOOOOOOSHI CLAAAAN!!!!!!!! #ok im gonna complete my santa review before getting to my ten page essay on why i love yoshi clan. yea that shit bad #i accidentally started it playing in two tabs at different points of the video which was honestly really fun. i recommend tryin that esp wi #bad songs really adds smthn to the exprience. it was awesoeme #it also just sounds the exact type of awful that that video image implies which is cool. its so perfect. it sounds ass #but. what it can not beat. is my favorite of all time. my darling love. it is time to begin my sermon #ok so yoshi clan is just so beautifully terrible. and truly the whole soundtrack is an orchestra of bad design. and its so fun to look at #that really nice professional looking art for the game and get BLASTED with kazoo #and like. i understand the thought process. kazoo does seem silly goofy yoshi. and it also sounds like a chorus of pain #now this song specifically has some really great awkward pauses. at 0:16 theres like a full 3 seconds of silence. which is SO cool #then the hot cross bun bit that ends at 0:27 gets so sad and deflated at the end of it. like it starts off in time but then clearly the #soloist got kinda embarrassed alone and so rushed and got really quiet. and its just so sad and lonely. its so cool #also some of these pauses have a couple lone far away kazoo squeaks for no reason before the 'melody' comes back in? awesome #but what i really really love about this. what really draws my eye. is the ending. because we go through this entire rigamarole with the #worst secondhand embarrassment of my life. then. 0:43. the kazoos move out. and in. the most genuinely awesome groovy drum beat in the worl #like its SO good. and those last few seconds are like you're in a different world. like you just survived horrors and you are brought to an #angelic chorus. and it lasts what 5 seconds? 5 seconds of beauty after a full 40 seconds of purgatory. in what world do horrors live foreve #while an angel can last for only a flash #its cruelty. its injustice. its completely ingenious. incredible music making. i am in such awe. #anyways thats my manifesto. please feel free to put any of this in the propaganda section op. im passioante"

Feel free to add more propaganda in the tags and replies, or send it to me in the ask box and I'll try to share it as soon as I can!

[swords-of-a-soilder]

Just Shapes

I'm just venting here, I'm not asking for advice if anything the most I'd want is a supportive word or two.

A random day in 2022 I was playing the Sims on my mother's laptop, I had a lot of mods of course, a few risky ones in including.

I had a queer couple, that I loved playing with, but suddenly whenever they got intinment, they had a moodlit in which they express not being intersed in each other.

It felt like my entire world had fell apart, I was in frantic tears trying to fix. I would constantly jump back and forth from create a sim trying to figure out what mod was breaking their relationship.

I eventually fixed it, but once I did, once I looked back at these sims again, they became shapes, pixels on a screen they weren't real they were never real.

I close that save, then never opened it again.

Perphas I'm parasocial in what I'm about to say, but the reality is we're all parasocial it's why certain careers exist. streamers depend on the viewer being parasocial, our enjoyment is what pay them.

Its just some people take things too far, and it gives parasocial behaviors a bad name, I knew the qsmp characters were different from their actors(streamers) that played them.

I'm not the type of person who thought Philza minecraft was my best friend but q!Philza was someone else entirely. Someone I felt close to, someone who's journey I felt apart of; Those eggs were just as much my kids as his own, I felt like a resident.

With Forever's removal and q!forever with him I became painful awear of what I was watching.

The series that keep me company when I quit my abusive job and was seeking new ones, The series that made me forget the pain of being hit by a car, the series that made me forget the Sexual abuse I expressed at my newer job that I shortly quit after.

The pain I felt over and over non stop, the continuous cycle of trauma I was able to process slowly without feeling alone. Living in that tiny space, with nothing to eat but determine not to go back to my abuser, at least with them I wasn't alone.

Perhaps I'm parasocial for feeling like a resident, perhaps I'm parasocial for loving Chayanne and Tallulah like my own children, perhaps I was parasocial for cheering for my team in Purgatory.

But it meant so much more to me than just a Minecraft roleplay server, it was my entire life. And now it's just shapes, pixels and shapes on a screen.

I think back to Qsmp 2023 and it's there, the joy, this overall sense of Happiness these people I know and care about, I made a Tumblr account just to see more art of them, I engaged in headcannons, joined discord servers with other residents we were all residents.

Whether you were a crow that sat top q!Philza's head, the voices in q!Fit's head; your art sat in the museum, your head canon's adopted into canon and your jokes acknowledged.

We were residents, without ever stepping foot on that island....

Now Tumblr still recommends me clip, There are some people I forgot to unfollow or choice not to. They show me the new Island and new creators, they tell me about the new mods and new characters.

They show my children, they show me my friend q!Philza, they show me all these things I love but..

It's Just Shapes...

Now in it's current existence it's just shapes, pixel on a screen actors In a play, I see nothing but the actors behind it, nothing but improvised roleplay, nothing but a video game.

Shapes.. and it drives me insane that some people don't understand that, and it comes with the neurodiversity I Know. no one ever talks about how painful hyperfixation death truly is.

Its made worst by seeing how the fandom, the other residents have started turning on one another. Residents bite and growl at me like I'm a villain came to kill them, I was one of you!

It wasn't my choice but it's one I'm glad for, seeing how cruel We've became. It isn't even the same island anymore, they left me behind on the old one.

And that's fine, the new one is just a pixilated mess to me.

[lilithsterrarium]

Brats and Bugs

A bratty little sis makes excuses to have a talk with her not-so-big sister, right before nighttime~

The young girl let out a sigh as she tried to relax in her bed- no matter how much she tossed and turned, she couldnt get comfy... her blankets rustling every few seconds as she constantly adjusted herself to get comfy, all to no avail. Her blonde hair was a frazzled mess as she pulled it away from the soft pillow, a disgruntled expression on her face as she slowly pulled herself out of bed. Her room was dark, barely illuminated by the faint glow of the moon- but she could still make out her collection of toys on the floor. Gazing at each one, she felt... bored. She had played every game already, she was tired of her dolls- but her face quickly lit up when she got an idea. Why not play with her favorite toy of all?

Her "big" sis~

She bounced down the stairs, her colorful pajamas rounding the corner into the living room where her mother, an older woman with large bags under her eyes, sat; reading a book that, considering how hasty she was to put it down when her daughtered entered the room, was most likely not appropriate for kids. Her shock turned into worry as she saw the look of mock fear and sadness on the girl's face.

"M- Mommy!! I had a bad dream..."

She blubbered out, a damn good actor all things considered- whether her mother believed her or not, she wanted to resolve the crying mess somehow.

"C- Can I go sleep with big sis?"

The mother let out a worried glance, before nodding gently.

"Of course, just remember to be gentle..."

Her older sis was busy at the moment- her phone, an absolute pain to have ordered after she shrunk, was open to a collection of porn- porn that she was desperately working herself to. This entire situation was a cliche ripped right out of the smut she read online- a shrinking virus that swept accross, making people small and helpless, and causing a variety of ethical debates on their rights that she admittedly enjoyed more than she should have. She still had her own room- and was nestled in her old covers, her own bed like a landscape to her as she worked herself furiously... only to be interrupted by a series of footsteps loudly announcing their presence seconds before the door swung open with a crash. Her heart skipped a beat as she hurried to close her tabs- glancing at her now collosal "little" sis.

"Heyyyyyya bug sis~"

"... w- what do you want?"

She adored her little sis, but was still a bit upset at the sudden interruption to her "alone time". Her sis only giggled, seemingly proud of herself for the "bug sis" joke, even after she had made it thousands of times.

"I had a really scary dream and I wanted you to protect me..."

Her lil sis's grin only grew, a fact that embarressingly made her blush.

"... why do you have your own room anyways? Mom keeps saying you're 'still a person' but... come on... she's been talking about using it as a library.... maybe a playroom for me..."

The tiny woman sighed, rubbing her eyes- blushing slightly, trying not to dwell on the thoughts that entered her mind.

"So where would I go, exactly?"

"Oh, I dunno... I thought you would just scamper around the house like a bug, but I GUESS we could get you a cage... if we make it into a toyroom, you could even be a toy... as long as you accept that all the other dolls are better than you, of course!"

The tiny woman couldnt stop herself from letting out a moan... she had these thoughts before, but fought to keep them repressed... now that they were brought up once again, she could feel her erection growing against the soft sheets...

"S- shut up..."

"Nah. Besides, you dont want me to! I can see you trying to cover yourself, perv. You're no better than a bug."

"N- no! I mean... n- no... I'm not..."

"Mmm... yeah, you're right, I think a bugs better than you... the icky little things I tell Mommy to crush? Those are your betters..."

"F- fuck off!!"

"Naughty language too... gosh, such a bad girl... maybe I'll make you kiss all of my doll's feet for that, wouldnt that be fun? Nah, you'd like that."

"N- no I-"

"Yes, you would. You're not so sneaky, you know. I saw the lipstick marks on barbie's feet, and the fact you practically made out with her boots... ugh..."

She stuck her tongue out at this, showing off her buck-toothed sadistic grin as her little sis smirked.

"Anyways, I'm gonna sleep in your bed tonight. And you're sleeping with me! You got that?"

"... yeah."

"No, say it correctly."

"... yes, Ma'am."

"Good bug."

The two sisters slept peacefully- and the dynamic around the house was never the same... a girl and her favorite toy (and soon to be her playroom~)

[jonathananubian]

AITA for not wanting my future Sister-in-law at my Wedding?

Never done this before, but here we go. This is going to be very long, spanning Years, so I hope that's alright.

Tl;dr at the bottom!

You can call me Shana (34f), and my fiance Jay, (35m). Jay has 2 siblings. An older sister, we'll call her Eve (37f), and a younger brother we'll call Ced (33m.) Ced has a fiance as well, we'll call her Nicky (27f).

For some context I am Autistic. Just enough to be "weird" and have issues that need some accomodation, but not enough that people can "see" it right away during cnversations. I am constantly told I don't ""act"" Autistic, which is a whole other problem in itself.

I have been friends with Ced and Jay since we were in Highschool. First with Ced because he was more outgoing, then later with Jay because we shared more interests. I used to go over to their house frequently to play Halo and other games. Ocassionally their older sister would be there, but at the time she was a much lauded University Student and had no time for her brothers, let alone some random nerdy tomboy.

During one Halloween Jay asked if I wanted to go to an Amusement Park with him. Because he knew I loved Halloween, Dressing up, and Amusement Parks. I did Not know this was supposed to be a date. I was very dense back then and had Very low self esteem. I didn't think Anyone was interested in me like that. And Jay was far too shy to correct me.

Fast forward. We're out of school and I had lost contact with them for a bit due to life getting in the way. I had a couple of boyfriends but it never went anywhere. I bumped into Jay one day and he asked me if I wanted to hang out like old times. So I go over to his apartment and we play games, have some snacks, and it's a Blast.

But here's the thing- Jay's sister is Also there. She was renting out the second bedroom of the apartment while working nearby to pay for her University courses. She didn't say much to me at the time and back then even tried to help me with a difficult situation with My school. It wasn't much, just going over an essay to try and figure out why the Teacher wouldn't accept it, but it was nice.

Jay asked me to hang out a couple more times before finally confessing that he'd liked me since highschool but wanted to have a car, stable job, and place to live before he asked me out properly. He wanted me to be his girlfriend. Of course I said Yes, considering the title of this post. lol

Fast forward. Jay and I are living together. Have for a while now. His sister had moved out and everything seemed fine. That's when I find out she's telling everyone I am a Gold Digger and a loose woman behind my back. Trying to break me and Jay up.

Jay is a Welder. He's not made of money and neither are their parents. I do live on Disability, but that's because of a car crash that wrecked my spine when I was 16. I live in pain every day of my life and even if I Could work- no one wanted to hire the Autistic girl. This community is pretty insular and judgemental. I've had jobs before but they never ended well. Jay and I are happy with our arrangement. I stay at home to clean, cook, and make hand crafts to sell while he goes to work. He's never complained about it and even if he Had- that is between myself and him.

Things go quiet for a while. His sister has moved over 7 hours away and Never contacts her brothers. We only see her maybe twice a year because she's a Teacher and it's hard to get from where she's living back to here. For the most part things are fine. I'm polite and try not to get into many conversations with her.

My biggest issue with her in that time is how she would talk over my fiance. He used to have a bad stutter but it's gotten much better over the years. Maybe because I don't talk over him and actually want to hear what he has to say. She criticises everything he does, berates him, and humiliates him in front of their family. She never lets him formulate a response and hammers at his confidence until my brilliant fiance is so checked out he just starts reading on his phone and not engaging in any conversation.

But it's only twice a year, so I suck it up and am polite. Like how an Adult should act.

Fast forward to about 2 years ago. Ced meets Nicky and we're introduced. We have very similar tastes, very similar attitudes, and we click Immediately. It's like having another sister suddenly and it's Awesome!

Future Mother-in-Law suggests us three girls get to know each other better and go to the big city on a Girls Day. I'm not really okay with it, but since Nicky will be there to commiserate with I think "it'll be fine."

It was not fine.

Eve is commanding, doesn't listen, ignores our every plea to slow down or let us stop for a rest, refuses to follow the map, and criticises Everything we suggest doing. In the end we only get to do a fifth of what we wanted. And since Eve and her mother bullied us into using Eve's car we would be Stranded if we didn't keep up.

It all comes to a head when we sit down at a restaurant to eat and Eve learns that Nicky is 10 years younger than her. Suddenly everything Nicky has said, no matter how logical or reasonable, is Completely disregarded. I can see Nicky getting more and more upset as the day wears on so I suggest going to a shop where we can grab some Teddy Bears. We're both Collectors. Of course this makes Eve roll her eyes at us, because clearly such childish delights are beneath her.

This woman teaches children 6-8 years old.

Fast forward further and Ced asks Nicky to marry him! We're excited because we'll actually be sisters in the near future.

All hell breaks lose.

Suddenly Eve texts our fiances, her younger brothers, this huge long thing about how I am an evil manipulative person who made Nicky hate her. Because Nicky is too young to have her own agency, even though she's been working and living on her own since she was 16. How her brothers Never message her, she never messaged them even once in all the years I've known them, and how her life is falling apart.

The inflammatory things she said about me and Nicky were so bad that when I showed my un-involved friend, without context, she asked if Eve was Jay's toxic Ex Girlfriend.

Nicky and I knew that Eve wouldn't listen to us so we went to speak to our future in-laws to resolve the issue calmly. But Eve had gotten there first, crying on the phone to her mother and blaming everything on me. During that talk neither Nicky or I could get a word in edgewise and I went from being described as a Mastermind to Autistic enough to be considered a child more times than I can count. Jay's father even shouted over me to shut me up.

Jay's dad is 6'5" and broad shouldered. He is a massive man. While I am 5'4" and, while broad shouldered, am still a fairly small woman. Having a man like that yell down at me is Terrifying.

Ever since then Jay's mom has been trying to force his sister into Every part of our wedding. She tried to get her to be my Maid-of-Honor but Nicky had already been chosen. Then she tried to make her a Groomsman, what the fuck- No, and then as the planner for our engagement party. She didn't even show up and it ended up being a party for mother-in-law's friends instead.

Eve even told myself and Nicky that she blocked us on Facebook for her own "Mental Health," because apparently seeing two happy women who would be Brides before her is just too much.

At this pont I have cut all contact with Eve, not that I had any to begin with, and refuse to go over to Jay's parents house.

Tl;dr- Future older sister-in-law is a raging Narcissist with an over-controlling self-righteous attitude and hates me because she can't manipulate her younger brother into doing whatever she wants anymore. And is also jealous that myself and another girl are getting married before her, while all she has is her two cats.

She is still invited to the wedding, but I really don't want her there.

So! Am I an sshole for not wanting her to be at my wedding where she'll make it All about her and potentially cause a scene? Let me know.

Quick Addition: Something I forgot to add. Jay and I have been together for 10 years now. He helped me through 2 Years of Therapy and Medication for Depression, Anxiety, and Childhood Trauma relating to being abused and exploited from the ages of 4 to 12 years old. He is my rock and my safe harbor. I love him dearly, the giant dork.

2nd Addition: Nicky said I could mention this! MIL took photos of Nicky's wedding dress while we were at the bridal shop. Her wedding is six months after mine. And then sent those photos to a friend of hers and Eve. Without permission. MIL offered to keep the dress at her house but that trust was already broken once. So Nicky's wedding dress is now safely at my place.

[bsd-elle]

Thoughts on Buddy Daddies Episode 10

Too many thoughts, in a way I haven't felt in a long time.

I expected angst, but I didn't think they would proceed the way they did with this episode.

Bringing back Miri's mom to trigger doubt in their relationship was so heartbreaking.

Because you can tell so much about all three of them.

Kazuki even calls her out, that her intention is all about herself.

Whereas both Rei and Kazuki, throughout their discussion put their sole focus on Miri and her opinion and her happiness.

In fact, I'm sure Kazuki understood her mom more than ever.

Him loosing his family and trying to build a family now, it could've very easily been a method for him to gain self validation and just validation in general, but not once, throughout the series has he EVER projected his trauma onto Miri, but rather it pushes him to do better for her.

Both of them care so deeply for her, that they never brought themselves into the conversation, 'we took care of her for a year', 'we're here for her', nothing.

From the jump it was, Miri's happiness is our main priority.

And that's why, Kazuki was so adamant on not giving way to her decision, which is when their occupation comes into play.

On paper, not an ideal situation, two hitmen whose lives are constantly in danger, raising a child... I understand her perspective, but it's malicious that she used the only tactic she could to plant the seed of uncertainty in their minds.

Which brings us to their conversation with Kyuu.

They realised the depth of the circumstances of their jobs, but I think the 'dream' like state they were in, this haze, almost shielded them from even considering reality.

Because what would they do when Miri finds out about her real father, about their jobs, that she's in danger, grave danger, all because of them.

And that is the only reason Kazuki changes his mind.

He must've been struggling internally, to give Miri back to her mom would be tough on a kid, and who knows how she would raise Miri.

But he safety and happiness comes first.

He tries to convince himself that they wouldn't want to carry on with any regrets.

And they spend the day like normal, both of them fawning over Miri.

And we see the pure anguish on Kazuki's face as he realises the impact Miri has had on him, the changes she has brought, and how it would soon leave.

He understands the consequences of his original decision to take care of Miri.

And although it has significantly improved all of their lives, he still wants her to be happy, even without them.

He brings up the cat, and reminds us that he still remembers it even after a year, because that's the value he places on other living creatures, on life, and he doesn't take that for granted.

Kazuki planned the entire day for them to spend together, strategically including games and rock climbing so even Rei could get involved, because this was potentially the last time they could spend together. And he understood that Rei might not openly express his pain and suffering, and pushed them to spend time together, to, like he said, have no more regrets.

The way Kazuki was hovering over Miri's every move, I really can't imagine how it would be now, for him to silently worry over Miri without ever being close to her.

Miri has both of them completely wrapped around her little fingers, and they totally realize that their lives will never really be the same again.

And what's so painful about it is that you can tell how much Miri has changed both of them in such a drastic manner.

When Kazuki began to spiral in his thoughts, Rei was the one who said, hey, let's just have fun today.

Both of them have become support pieces to each others lives through Miri, and I truly hope they realize that that would never change.

Rei and Kazuki's conversation in the Ferris wheel was so beautiful. Because they both understand that their lives have changed for the better since Miri came into their lives, but unfortunately, they haven't changed, and they don't have an option to change.

They are constantly tied to their jobs and can't escape from that world, and the only way to ensure Miri's happiness is to let her get away from that world.

From their world.

Miri was their beacon of light through the darkness, and a Mirage of what could've been, but no matter what, it could never actually be this way.

They are a happy, little family, but unfortunately, dreams are a little too misty to see through it.

And the Ferris wheel is the perfect metaphor for that, it's their own little world, isolated from their pasts, their traumas, and everything that ties them to the real world.

Their in their own cocoon of love, comfort and happiness, and once they reach the high of it, they understand that that's the highest things can go, this is the most amount of happiness and comfort they can ever recieve and eventually they have to come down their high, to touch back to the real world, and give up their happiness, give up Miri, for her to grasp to her normal happiness, something that she deserves, something they will never be able to grasp.

And aahh... When Kazuki runs back to tie his scarf around her, to ensure that she wouldn't catch a cold, because this was his daughter, someone he cared about more than he could ever think of, more than he could've ever imagined he was capable of.

The parallel to the time he went back to take care of the cat, still tied to every person he was forced to abandon.

Rei and Kazuki have the discussion of 'changes', and although it's evident that both of them have changed and progressed drastically, the environment and the circumstances around them haven't, and giving up Miri was the ultimate sacrifice and sign of that.

(few things to note:

Miri never told her mom that she would rather stay with her than her Papas, she just said that she loves both of them.

Miri has a car seat in the car, and something about that makes me so🥺.

Although the angst is STRONG, in the episode, and I'm lousy at making predictions, I think Miri will definitely be upset and demand to see her papas again, which ugh... How could you let a four year old go through all of this.

It makes sense that this was the route they opted for, because imo, the pain they must feel to intentionally give up Miri must be so much more heartwrenching than actually loosing her.

But I'm still praying for them to actually betray the Agency.. I'm betting on that🤞).

[bonefall]

Honestly, the two most interesting parts of Bramblestar's character to me in cannon are his heritage to tigerstar and the effects of Ashfur's takeover of his body on his mental state. Does BB!ashfur basically just stick Bramblestar's spirit in a cage in the dark forest like in cannon? Because you could still do interesting things with that.

Bramblestar just being stuck in the dark forest, the place that both his father and brother were put in, and just being forced to do nothing but THINK about his life up until now. It could be the moment of reckoning for Bramblestar, were every delusion and lie he built for himself is unraveled by him as the possiblity that no one comes to save him gnaws at his mind.

And then he comes back to life and finds out that his body got put through a wood chipper and the imposter personally killed several of his clanmates with said body.

That's so interesting to think about, how does this affect him? How does he cope with all of this? Does he still try and be leader or is it basically a formality until he figures out how to make squirrelflight the new leader?

I don't rewrite arcs until they're done, but honestly, I simply don't want a "moment of reckoning" for Bramblestar. I include them for plenty of cats, like Spiderleg, Bumblestripe, Hawkfrost, but I absolutely don't want most characters to get one.

I don't really like it when every (or most) abusers realize and apologize for their actions and have a big turnaround. It kind of rubs me the wrong way that every crappy person has to "see the light" when so often, you don't get that. They live their whole lives acting this way, always insisting they never hurt you, and if they did, you deserved it.

You NEED to learn that they will INSIST it was your fault, when no, it wasn't. And they will never be sorry for what they did. That's it. You were hurt, and there's nothing deep or beautiful about your suffering.

And a person like that can really, truly be in pain (and they usually are, because being a crappy person sucks) and they can still not deserve your extended hand to pull them out.

Bramblestar already worries constantly about the possibility that no one will save him. It's why he plays games with his power. It's why he drives people away to watch them yoyo back. The fact that his family always comes back to him no matter what he does is a comfort. The Dark Forest Cage that Ashfur tosses him in didn't put new thoughts or feelings into his head.

So, we're going to see how ASC pans out, but I'm currently leaning towards Bramblestar clinging to power until the end. He even set up one last "fuck you" to Squirrelflight on the way out with his petty Nightheart Spy Plan, a textbook abusive set-up.

[friends-to-lovers-tournament]

Friends to Lovers Tournament: Round 3, Side A, Match 2

propaganda under the cut!

Polyneed:

Okay so they were childhood friends who wanted to form a band together, but slowly drifted apart after Saki fell ill and was admitted. They formed their band again after Saki joined the school. Originally, Shiho was the only one who wanted to go professional out of all of them and was offered to play with another band who was going pro, but she hesitated because she wanted to continue playing with her friends. HER DREAM WAS RIGHT IN HER GRASP BUT SHE STILL REFUSED. The rest of Leo/Need also decided to go pro with her even though they had no previous experience, just because they wanted to be with their friends. They're constantly encouraging each other and take really good care of each other. They mean sm to me fr 💙💙 Also, some gay ass lyrics from their songs:

Please don't think you don't matter, love won't end this easily- NeedLe

Even if I smile so that I don’t cry Even if I walk so that I don’t fall The words we hide will never be conveyed There’s only one future that we can envision, So let’s see it with our own eyes-  1 For your sake, I shall sing my weaknesses For your sake, I shall realize my hopes For your sake, I'm laughing today May these feelings of ours will resonate with someone's- Order Made Overflowing in my voice, in my thoughts The yearning that I entrusted to you- Voices It's painful and lonely to sing, but If it's with you, then I want to sing for the world- the WALL

They sing an awful lot abt feelings if you know what i mean

Fuyupoly:

Submission 1:

they're from the winter troupe of the mankai company, and unlike the other troupes they're all adults. that said, they all have varying degrees of trauma and emotional stuntedness. it takes them some time to fully open up to each other bc they're all very cautious of each other's boundaries and don't want to cross any lines which initially led to some issues in the group's formation. over time they've learned to bridge the gap while still being mindful of hard boundaries. at one point they have a discussion about what exactly their relationship is (gay) cuz they were talking about how the other troupes have clearly defined dynamics (spring=family, summer=besties, autumn=rivals & teammates) but they don't,, and homare deadass says they're "people bound by a common destiny" which in and of itself sounds very Gay (like why are you as a man bound to other men by a common destiny), but it goes even further because homare starts spouting WEDDING VOWS: "In sickness and in health, for better or for worse, we shall share our laughter and our tears as those with an intertwined fate... How beautiful we are!" THIS IS A DIRECT QUOTE FROM THE GAME AND THE MC EVEN REMARKS "i can already hear wedding bells in the distance..." 

gradually they become closer, in individual sub-units based on who's paired up as co-leads for a play, and as a troupe overall. also two of its members are childhood friends who had a messy 'divorce' in their young adulthood and it took the game breaking its genre to introduce a timeloop for them to finally make up if that means anything to you. one of their troupe songs "precious to us ~bokura no kisetsu" has some pretty beautiful and fruity lines: "The many kindnesses born in me here / Never fail to breathe life into my chest / Even all the pain and bitterness / Have now become dear to me (Ah…Stay with me)", "No matter how many times our season passes / Let us keep living together / Holding our hands, without ever letting go / Let us open up the curtain of tomorrow", "There is no need for words, because once our gazes meet / Joy sparks a light in your eyes", "Our journey, may it be a brilliant one / As our breaths overlap as one"

a lot of their plays has a LOT of homoerotic tension between the two leads too. their first play has tsumugi and tasuku play angels, and it's heavily implied that tasuku's character has an unrequited crush on tsumugi's character. their third play has azuma play a vampire and tasuku play Just Some Guy and it's generally agreed in the fandom to be one of the gayest, if not THE gayest, play A3 has ever written. obviously the vampire thing is very fruity, but there's also how the vampire was longing to bite the human but was holding himself back, and when the vampire left the human in the end, the human was absolutely HEARTBROKEN over it and was swearing they would reunite one day. the stage play of this takes it even further by having the vampire embrace the human from behind and BITE his neck. the fourth play is a watered-down adaptation of Phantom of the Opera where they genderbend Christine into Chris among other things and change the relationship between Chris and the Phantom to one of friendship.... ostensibly so, because there's still a lot of homoerotic undertones in their interactions. i could go on but this should be enough of a sampling taste 

Submission 2:

the writers rlly said "let's take 2 normal guys who are childhood friends and have been into theatre since their school days and have them go through a pre-canon messy divorce, an eccentric poet with a potentially controversial haircut, an amnesiac sleepyhead who can only be awoken with marshmallows but is also somehow extremely athletic despite doing nothing but sleeping and eating marshmallows all day, a man who is so beautiful and mysterious he breaks gender, and a supposed android from a fictional south asian country, and throw them into a blender, oh and for good measure let's throw in some theatre and angst and gay and angst and gay" and the end result was marriage. i mean it took them a lot of awkward fumbling around and conflicts to get there but they got there and thats what matters. ok *technically* in-text they're all rlly good friends and kinda found family BUT they are found family via marriage papers i do not make the rules chief

Submission 3:

The reason why they are so friends-to-lovers to me is because their relationship is founded on quiet and unconditional acceptance of each other—regardless of how flawed they may be or how heavy their burdens and trauma may be. When the troupe first formed (sans Guy who was in another country at the time), they didn’t have any major clashing personalities at the very beginning and generally they were mindful of each other’s boundaries, unlike the other troupes that came before them. However, it’s BECAUSE they were too mindful of said boundaries that it was difficult for them to break down their walls and bond as a team—and there were a LOT of walls to break down, as all of them had varying degrees of emotional baggage and trauma.

In fact, it’s only three plays in that they finally truly start opening up to each other, with Azuma getting the ball rolling by opening up about the deep loneliness that haunted him ever since his childhood. It’s during this conversation that they also discuss what their relationship as a troupe is, because the other troupes have defined their relationship as a team (Spring is family, Summer is best friends, Autumn is rivals & teammates), and Homare goes on to declare that they’re “people bound by a common destiny” and goes on to spew wedding vows: "In sickness and in health, for better or for worse, we shall share our laughter and our tears as those with an intertwined fate... How beautiful we are!" I mean… it can’t get any more obvious than this, really. They are married.

But anyway, Tsumugi says he wants their relationship to be one where while they respect each other’s need for space, they’ll also be there for each other and share their pains and burdens—or in his words: “supporting each other when our burdens become too heavy to bear on our own”—which I think is really sweet because it carries this idea of quiet, unconditional acceptance; they don’t push each other to share more than they’re comfortable with sharing, but with whatever they ARE comfortable with sharing everyone carries the load and pain because pain is easier to bear when you’re not bearing it alone <3 

A later part of the story focuses on Hisoka, a mysterious amnesiac, being terrified of regaining his memories and facing some “sin” from his past that has led to another character, Chikage, trying to take revenge on him. When he confesses this to the rest of the Winter troupe, Homare asks, “How heavy is this sin you bear?” and Azuma suggests, “Perhaps it’s just heavy enough for the five of us to carry together.” (at this point Guy hasn’t joined yet). The stage play adapts this scene into a song called Key to Memory. The key (pun unintended) part is 1:27 where there’s a back-and-forth between Hisoka and the other Winter troupe members (sans Tasuku because he wasn’t in that particular play)

Hisoka: “I’m scared…”

Tsumugi, Homare, Azuma: “It’s okay.”

Hisoka: “My unforgivable sin…”

Tsumugi, Homare, Azuma: “Let’s carry it together.”

Hisoka: “I might not be me anymore.”

Tsumugi, Homare, Azuma: “It’s all right. We understand and we accept you, so let’s go together.”

And it ends with Hisoka singing: “I was afraid to open the door of my locked memories. But if everyone is here, I believe I can do it.”  In both the game and stage play, Hisoka fully regains his memories and reconciles with Chikage (long story). He tells Fuyupoly he can’t go into detail about his past with Chikage because it’s dangerous but he’ll tell them when the time is right, and they accept this saying that no matter what his past is, they know and love him as their Hisoka which obviously is a very sweet thing for friends to say, but it’s also very Marriage-coded to me.

Later, Guy is introduced as an android from Zahra (a fictional South Asian country) and joins the Winter troupe as a temporary member—because he’s stuck in Japan for the foreseeable future—until they find a permanent member to replace him. The other Winter members have a conversation among themselves and agree that regardless of whether he’s really an android or a human they’ll accept Guy for who he is and help him improve his acting, which again harkens back to the idea of ‘unconditional acceptance’. Eventually it’s revealed that Guy is in fact a human who has forgotten his memories of the past and his emotions. He recovers his memories all at once which shocks his system and causes him to pass out. When he wakes up in his room, he finds the rest of the Winter Troupe asleep around the room—which I believe is symbolic of their whole theme of “quiet acceptance”: they don’t want to push Guy to share beyond what he’s comfortable with, but they’re always there to listen to him and share his load if that’s what he wants. He opens up about the memories he recovered, and they don’t treat him with pity like he’s a lost child, but still extend gentle empathy and understanding. They also emphasise that it genuinely doesn’t matter to them whether he’s human or android because he’s Guy first and foremost. It’s at this point that Guy truly lets himself become part of the Winter troupe/Fuyupoly and not just as a temporary stand-in member, because he’s found a place where he’s found himself again and people who will accept who this “himself” is, whether that be an android devoid of emotions or a human brimming with vivid beautiful emotions.

[Mod note: There’s a LOT more but we’re afraid of crashing the post. I (Deli) summarised it the best I can since I’m familiar with A3, but if you want to read the full thing you can check it out on this google doc)

[fayesdiary]

hmm hmmmmmm.......Rhea, Veyle, and Faye for the character ask game!

Rhea

1) how much I like their personality

WTEGDGFSFDYDGFFG

I adore her. She's my fav 3H character by far. Just this mix of sweet and awkward and kind but with a boatload of trauma and repressed rage... She's the bestest <3

2) how much I like their design/aesthetics

Her archbishop outfit is great (although what is up with those hips. She barely has enough space to fit her organs), and general design is super pretty!

Also her Seiros outfit is 😳

3) how interesting I think they are

GOD. I feel like I could talk about her for hours if you caught me in the right mood. I want to inspect her with a microscope.

4) how well-written I think they are

As a character? Wonderfully, but her treatment in the story leaves a LOT to be desiered, often shoved to the background and generally getting treated like crap by the narrative for an alleged main character.

Also fuck everything about the SS endgame.

5) (if applicable) how much I like their mechanics in-game

her CF fight is pain and her SS one is pure agony

6) if I think they are a Good Person(tm)

For the most part, yes! It's clear all her actions were done with good intent (albeit a bunch of them were questionable but still, never cruel), and I think it's important to note that her vicious side only comes in regards to the man who literally committed genocide towards her kin or when she's being violently having her trauma of said man triggered.

Hell, her burning of Firdhiad is pretty much her lowest point and even then it only comes after she's being violently triggered and blamed for everything over and over. She's pretty much gone insane by that point and for damn good reason. Also you know, it's all your fault.

Veyle

1) how much I like their personality

BABY. She's the cutest but also constantly wracked with guilt and shame about being a Fell Dragon.

2) how much I like their design/aesthetics

I love her Somniel outfit and her evil outfit absolutely slays, but while I really like her main outfit since it's fluffy I hate her collar and ankle chains.

3) how interesting I think they are

A whole lot! Her relationship with Alear is the best, in typical younger FE sister fashion she's a lot stronger than she seems (they literally had to brainwash her into compliancy and even then it didn't work all that well), her guilt over her evil self's action (on top of just being a Fell Dragon period). Also she has a knack for making (magical?) trinkets and she lived on her own wandering around Elyos for quite a while, so :D

4) how well-written I think they are

The brainwashing/evil personality part is a bit iffy as always in FE plots, but other than that? She's great!

Something that keeps suprising me about FE writing is that while they're not... the best at writing female characters somehow they keep hitting the spot with writing younger sisters.

5) (if applicable) how much I like their mechanics in-game

She's a lot of fun! Her personal tome and dagger are great and her personal skills are quite useful :D

6) if I think they are a Good Person(tm)

Definitely! She's an absolute sweetheart, but at the same time I love the hc that her evil self is actually a part of her albeit exaggerated and twisted by Zephia and not just a personality that came out of nowhere. Doesn't help I'm playing Persona 4 right now.

Faye

..fun fact, do you know she actually got on Top 200 of CYL8? I'm genuinely shocked.

1) how much I like their personality

I really like it, mainly in the sense her obsession is portrayed negatively for once. I've seen a bunch of fans trying to "fix" her by toning down and/or removing her obsession with Alm, but I always loved more the angle of keeping it while pointing out how toxic and self-destructive it is and having her slowly grow out of it.

2) how much I like their design/aesthetics

Peak. Perfection. Immaculate. Well except maybe the lack of freckles, but that's why I draw her with them ;)

3) how interesting I think they are

It may be mainly due to projecting and overanalizing, but god. Soo much. Her trauma and horrible coping mechanisms, her huge trouble making friends and socializing with strangers, her fondness for Celica, her clinginess and yearning for both a place to belong and to return to the good old days at Ram...

Also she's a bisaster. It's totally canon trust me

4) how well-written I think they are

Hahaha... oh, terribly.

I'm not gonna pretend the writers ever saw her as anything more "the girl with an unhealthy unrequited obsession towards the protagonist we're apparently contractually obligated to put in almost every game". Like, I'm pretty sure all of her small nuances you can find if you start digging were an accident, and considering how she gets flanderized outside of Echoes, I'm almost certain that's the case.

(speaking of, the sole fact they managed to flanderize her holy shit)

5) (if applicable) how much I like their mechanics in-game

GOD I LOVE THEM. All of the effort they didn't put into writing her they put into her gameplay mechanics because they portray her SO WELL.

The fact she loses avoid when supporting Alm, her higher then average growths hinting at the fact she's trying desperately hard, her unique spells as a Cleric being either a way to ignore distance (Physic to heal from afar, Rescue to get someone literally close to her) and Anew, the only form of a Dancer you get in Echoes, costing so much HP portraying her self-destructive behavior in an attempt to be useful.

Just... screams

6) if I think they are a Good Person(tm)

Yeah... I'd be lying if I said yes.

She's a lot better than people claim she is, but still, between the obsession towards Alm and general (albeit potentially accidental) rudeness towards strangers and... less-than-stable state of mind, she's far from the greatest person to be around.

Still, she can be pretty sweet when she wants to, she apologized to Silque and actually accepted Alm's rejection which oh my god why do people keep claiming she's a yandere when she's actually capable of hearing no as an answer, and also she's unflinchingly loyal to her loved ones!