#I'm at the 'I'm never going to write nor want to write again' stage of depression once more and like. slogging through it

[vaguely-concerned]

Garashir snippet that will never come to anything but was a part of a story where Julian experienced a sudden resurgence of the telepathic connection the Lethean sets up in Distant Voices years later, as the Lethean is dying, because *something something handwave* Star Trek science moves in mysterious ways indistinguishable from magic etc., and so had to go wade through his own psychological landscape once more in the wake of the war. It’s set no more than a few years after the ‘Now’ parts of ASIT and Julian is done with absolutely everything every step of the way, needless to say.   

“Oh, for fuck’s sake,” Julian said, looking around the abandoned hallways of DS9. “This again?”

“Yeah, it’s me,” the Lethean said, peeking out from one of the doors down the corridor and giving a little wave. “Long time no see.” 

. . . 

“Out in the real world I’m dying, you see,” the Lethean said easily. “Just wanted to see if I could rekindle our telepathic bond and take you down with me as I go. I suppose in some way I always thought of you as the one who got away.”

“How positively romantic,” Julian said, sourly. “Well, quite aside from the factors of the telepathic bond being years old and the physical distance involved this time, there is also the fact that I’m genetically engineered, which is probably what helped me see you off last time without you even glimpsing any of that in my head. Surprise. So no. You are not going to kill me. At worst this is an afternoon’s inconvenience to me.” 

The Lethean nodded somberly. “Yeah, I figured it had to be something like that when it didn’t take the first time around. Well, still worth a shot. You can’t blame a man for trying, in his final hours.”

“Oh, I can, and I do. At least just… stay out of my way this time, if you don't mind.”

. . . 

(Julian grumpily stomps through the rooms of his psyche one by one until at last he finds:) 

Sloan, staring at him with his dead eyes that still saw him, saw inside him, saw more than Julian had wanted him to and more than anyone else ever had, except, except, maybe —

“Julian,” Garak said quietly behind him. “You don’t have to stay here.” 

“I read your letter,” Julian said, not quite daring to turn around. “You… you think the world of me. I believe that. You’ve told me that, all but that, over and over. But you don’t know about — about this.”

A chuckle somewhere between incredulous and delighted. “Oh? Do you really think that would change my mind?” 

“No. No, not really. But it… it changed me.” 

Footsteps over the floor, stopping a few meters away. Julian swallowed. He kept himself still.

“To be their heroes and their monsters… they ask so much of us, don’t they,” Garak said, with the performative airiness that let Julian know he was serious. “In my experience it’s hard enough, just to try to be a person. I think you deserve the chance to see how you might like it. Why, what is that startled look for, Doctor? You’ve told me that — all but that — over and over. Are you so surprised that I was listening?”

Breath seemed to enter Julian’s lungs only unwillingly, his throat clogged up with what he needed to say. Unable to look away from Sloan’s corpse-pale face, he managed: “He made me… he let me prove once and for all that I am just a monster, after all. Just a different type than everyone thought I was.”

A hand landed on Julian’s shoulder. It seemed grey and gentle in the low light, and cool. “We could start a support club, my dear.”

Hunger finally overtaking fear, force of habit, his better judgement, anything and everything in Julian that knew how to hold back, with all the gravity of a decision reached because  — Julian turned around to meet Garak’s eyes.

[hwashotcheeto]

𝑽𝑰𝑷 𝑨𝒄𝒄𝒆𝒔𝒔

Part Two: Premium Access

Park Seonghwa X afab!gn!reader

Summary: You finally get railed backstage by your boyfriend while he's still in his stage persona.

WC: 2.3k

CW: Smut, filthy ass smut, fluffy aftercare, no gendered names are used on the reader

Smut warnings: Kissing, dirty talk, mild degradation, backstage sex, spit play, oral sex, (idol receiving) face fucking. (reader receiving), hair pulling (reader receiving), fingering (reader receiving), unprotected PIV sex, breast play (reader receiving) orgasms for both

Hwa uses names on reader (Slut, baby, jagi, fucktoy, gorgeous)

AN: Ever since I saw the pictures and videos from Towards the Light D-1, I wanted SO BAD to write a one shot about it (I'm so weak for this man, oh my fucking God-)

@shinestarhwaa made a fic about this already (this one) so please go read it, it's amazing 💜

Since you'd started dating Seonghwa, you'd wanted him to rail you while he was still in his stage persona.

And honestly, who wouldn't?

He turned into a creature of intensity, a force of nature.

A demon.

And yet, in all your time together, you'd never gotten the chance. Usually, Seonghwa and his members were wiped out after a show, so most times, it wouldn't happen regardless.

Aside from that, you nor the members could convince the staff to let you or anyone else backstage. It was an understandable obstacle, but still annoying.

Until tonight.

Somehow, the stars aligned, and you were finally given VIP access to see your boyfriend and his members backstage.

You were backstage for the entire performance, and fuck, you were floored.

The boys had kept everything secret from you, you didn't know anything about their performance. So seeing Seonghwa's dance was an unbelievable surprise.

And a pleasant one at that. One that had you soaked through to your pants.

The whole concert, you were of course, proud of your boyfriend and the other members, seeing them clearly enjoy being performers, and do it really fucking well.

But you were also incredibly fucking horny for your boyfriend.

The concert felt like it was years instead of hours. Years until your boyfriend came backstage, panting heavily, drenched in sweat, with that goddamn top, whatever it’s called.

Seonghwa had never looked hotter.

He pulled out his ear monitors, looking around the backstage area, until he finally found you by the dressing rooms. His eyes zeroed in on you, and shivers ran all over your body as he stalked up to you like a predator cornering his prey.

Seonghwa took you in his arms and kissed you, hard, pushing you against a door. You squeaked in surprise as you reached up to grab onto his arms, but by then, the door was opening, and you two were stumbling inside.

As soon as the door was slammed and locked shut, you were pressed back against it, Seonghwa's hands all over your body. Your hands went up to run all over his chest and stomach. This damn shirt they put him in left little to the imagination.

(Just how I like it)

You ran your hands up to push the short jacket off his shoulders, which he quickly tossed somewhere in the room, and then he pinned your hands against the door above your head.

“Quit moving,” he commanded against your lips, pressing his body up against yours. A whimper leaves your lips before he kisses you again, forcing his tongue in and down your throat.

You squirmed in his grip as you pressed your thighs together. Seonghwa noticed it and groaned as he pulled back. “You don't wanna listen tonight?”

“Hwa, I'm soaked, I-” You tried to protest, but he forced your mouth open, pushing his thumb past your lips and holding your tongue down, spitting down your throat, and forcing your mouth closed after.

“That's not what I asked,” he said lowly, his lips hovering over yours. “Now swallow.”

You were almost embarrassed at how your heart fluttered as you swallowed.

Seonghwa pulled you away from the door and forced you onto your knees as he sat down on the couch. You watched as he wiggled his pants down to his thighs to free his painfully hard cock from the tight confines. Your mouth watered at the sight of him, and you moved closer between his spread legs.

“So eager to have my cock, baby?” Seonghwa asked, slowly pumping himself a few times. “Is that what you thought about while watching me? That you wanted me inside you?”

You nodded enthusiastically with a whimper, shifting around again, trying to relieve some of the pressure between your thighs. Seonghwa couldn't help but smirk as he took his other hand and pulled you close.

“Get to work then.”

You didn't need to be told twice.

You leaned forward and took the first half of him into your mouth, reaching up to pump the half that wasn't. You watched as Seonghwa rolled his eyes back and groaned at the contact, gripping onto your hair. He guided you up and down, having no patience (or time) to go slow today.

“You can take it,” he muttered. “Good sluts can take this. You wanna be good, don't you?”

You nodded and hummed around him, moving your head faster and sucking harder. You pressed your tongue against him and he shivered under you, biting his lip, stifling the groans that were growing more whiny.

What you didn't know is that Seonghwa was thinking about this during the entire performance.

Especially during his solo dance with the chair. Thinking about fucking up into your mouth, imagining how you’d gag when he did, seeing the spit and cum dribble down your chin, the tears on your cheeks.

You choked as he did just as Seonghwa imagined, and your hands flew up to cling onto his thighs. He looked down and smirked, seeing exactly what he wanted to see.

“That’s it, there we go,” he groaned, gripping onto your hair with both hands, shallowly fucking your throat. You kept your head still as he did, making yourself breathe through your nose instead.

Seonghwa slowly worked up to moving his hips faster, pushing deeper, fucking into your throat with reckless abandon. Tears freely fell from your eyes with every choke and gag, your whole neck covered in the mess that spilled down. Seonghwa kept his eyes trained on you, trying to keep quiet.

You were too, and not just because you were choking on his cock.

You were thoroughly soaked, all the way through, and it was beginning to grow painful. You slipped your hand inside your pants to rub your clit, moaning at the relief. But Seonghwa heard it.

He yanked you off his cock and sat up to look at you, and you froze with your hand still down your pants. Seonghwa couldn’t help but smirk.

“Getting yourself off while you choke on my cock? You’re filthy today, jagi.”

He pulled you off the floor and onto his lap, smashing his lips onto yours while his hands fumbled to get your pants and underwear off. You helped him get them off, and he flung them both somewhere in the room, joining his discarded jacket on the floor.

Before they even hit the floor. Seonghwa was running his fingers along your cunt, teasing your entrance. “Oh, look at you,” he murmured against your lips. “You’re fucking soaked. I really did that to you?” He couldn’t help but smirk, his tongue poking out from between his teeth,

“Yes, Hwa, you do. You always do.”

“No, this is more than usual.” He pushed two fingers inside and your body lit up in fire. “I bet you fuck yourself at home when you watch me perform if you’re this wet for me when I’m on stage. Do you, little slut?”

He pumped his fingers inside you with a brutal speed, which was easy with how much slick was pouring out of you. “Do you? Or did you not hear me because you’re already fucked out?”

“I do!” You cried out as he curled his fingers into your spot. “I do, Hwa, you’re so fucking hot!”

“I know I am, jagi.”

Seonghwa pulled his hand away and leaned back, holding his cock up for you. You didn’t need him to tell you what to do.

“Come o-” He cut off with a choke, throwing his head back as you slowly sunk down onto him. He didn’t pick his head back up until you were flush against his lap, making some of his hair fall over his half closed eyes.

“So eager,” he breathed, gripping onto your hips. “Go on then, fuck me like you want to so badly.”

And that’s exactly what you ended up doing.

You gripped onto his shoulders and fucked him like you never had before. The fire in your bones burned hotter than it ever had, dropping down on him hard enough that people outside undoubtedly could hear the sinful noises you made.

Seonghwa rolled his eyes back again, then smiled as he closed his eyes, melting back into the couch. “Fuck, that’s good. Keep it up, jagi.” His fingers dug into your hips, seemingly trying to pull you down even harder. You whimpered as you struggled to fuck him harder despite the burning feeling creeping into your thighs.

The effort you were putting in was already making you tremble. But hearing Seonghwa let out all those groans, watching him smile and bite his lip, his tongue peeking out every now and again, it motivated you to keep going.

It also made you clench down on him.

Seonghwa gasped when he felt it. “God, what are you thinking about, clenching like that?” He looked up at you and you whimpered again, all words leaving you. He knew what he did to you, and he loved it. “Come on, tell me.”

He pulled you into his chest and wrapped his arms around your shoulders, holding you tight against him while he leaned back on the couch and spread his legs to fuck into you instead.

“Tell me what’s in your filthy little brain,” he whispered, his lips pressed up against your ear.

But you couldn’t form words with how he was pounding into you. Hell, you could hardly form a thought. All that came out was whiny babbles and cries as you clung onto him, your nails digging into his skin. You felt Seonghwa shiver as you did.

“Such a good baby,” he muttered. “So good taking my cock, all in your pretty hole, being my good little fucktoy.”

His words made you clench tighter and cry out louder, tears forming in your eyes. Seonghwa choked and whined. His resolve was crumbling, you were breaking him down.

Seonghwa suddenly flipped you and put you down on your back, spreading your legs wide, pushing them back up to your chest before he went back to fucking you. He was as deep as he possibly could be, hitting the sweet spot inside you every time he went back in.

“That’s it, jagi, take it all,” he muttered, starting to ramble, his words slurring together. He was panting now, his pupils blown out, all composure he had thrown out the damn window. His tongue rolled out of his mouth, and the sight alone nearly made you come right then.

Seonghwa slipped his hands under your shirt and ripped it off, stripping you down until you were bare, then dove down to your chest and ran his tongue over your skin. You cried out again as his mouth wrapped around one nipple and his hand came up to play with the other.

You clenched down tighter, nearly sobbing at this point. When you dared to look down, you squeaked. He looked up at you as he ravished your chest, his eyes half closed, his tongue sliding all over before his mouth closed around the nub again. All the whines and breathy moans he let out were only bringing you closer and closer.

Your climax was right there, so close, you just needed a little bit of a push. Seonghwa knew what it was, he was right there with you.

He reached down with his free hand and rubbed your clit. It was only seconds from there that you came all over him, screaming his name, sobbing, clinging onto his hair like you’d fall out of existence if you did.

Seonghwa came right after you did, pulling back from your chest to let out the prettiest, whiniest moans as he rolled his eyes back, pumping you full of his release, riding it out as he chanted your name.

You both sat panting for a while before Seonghwa finally pulled out of you. He reached out and held your cheek, wiping away the remaining tears. “Are you okay? Did I hurt you?”

“No, not at all,” you mumbled, your brain still mush. Seonghwa smiled, sharing the same sentiment. His brain was fried after today.

He helped you sit up, and you both cleaned up as best you could before you got redressed.

After you did, Seonghwa pulled you into his arms and hugged you tight. You laid your head on his chest, and his heart was still pounding loudly against his ribs. You smiled as you nuzzled into his skin, squeezing him tight.

“I wish we could do that more often,” you said softly. Seonghwa laughed and shook his head.

“This took everything out of me, I feel like I’m gonna pass out right here.”

“Then let me take care of it next time.” You looked up at him, and he looked down at you, his eyes still doubtful. “I don’t mind. I like it when you’re the bottom anyway.” His cheeks turned red as he looked away, and you couldn’t help but giggle.

“I mean, maybe, I don’t-”

Hongjoong threw the door open at that point, glaring at both of you. Your heart stopped dead in your chest as you clung onto Seonghwa.

“Seriously?! This is why we can’t have people backstage!” Hongjoong threw up his hands and tilted his head back, his tone exasperated. “Seonghwa, get to your dressing room, we’ve been waiting for you!”

“Okay okay, fine, breathe, Hongjoong.” Seonghwa pulled away from you, but leaned back to hold your cheek and press a sweet kiss to your lips. It was over far too soon, but he smiled at you as he pulled away. “I’ll see you later, gorgeous.”

As much as you hated watching him walk away with Hongjoong, you knew you’d be back in his arms tonight. And you could have your sexy, talented, adorable, sweet demon boyfriend all to yourself.

Thank you for reading! Please reblog if you enjoyed! 💜

This is a work of fiction written by me. This does not represent the idol(s) in any way. Any re-upload is not allowed and will be reported.

[crimsonspring]

"my star, that's not what i had meant." xavier's voice, as always, is as gentle as can be. she's over-consumed with anger, grasping at straws in attempts to validate her desperate want to scream at him, so she tries to think of a time when he'd raised his voice at her, and she can't. not even by a singular decibel.

xavier, a man so fitting of his angel-like features, was the kindest and gentlest soul she's ever known. even during their biggest fights, (she wonders if he'd even consider them fights, because he never fights back) he'd only ever gently explains his thoughts as she snaps and throws her arms up in frustration. this time, it's no different.

"oh come on, xavier. you meant exactly what you said - you don't think i can do it!" she speaks accusingly, deep lines of upset drawn in between her brows as she frowns. "you said "i don't think it's a good idea to involve yourself in this mission," did you not?" xavier opens his mouth to speak, but shuts it soon after. because she was right, she had quoted him verbatim.

she scoffs, shaking her head as she glares at her lover. "and yet, your name was the first one i saw when they released the list of hunter confirmed for the mission! do you see me as less, xavier? i know i'm not as experienced as you are, but i'm still a good hunter!"

xavier has his head hung low, blonde strands covering his guilt ridden blue orbs. he feels guilty, there's no question about it. yet, the small selfish part of him, ruled by the memory of his dying lover's body turning cold in his own arms, makes no way for regret to reside in his body. till this day, though a long time since the memory was birthed, there isn't a day where the feeling of his legs growing numb from staying frozen in place, fearful of any minuscule movement that will reinforce the fact that she has died, doesn't haunt him.

it was not as though he isn't aware of her capabilities as a hunter. she was talented beyond words. the way she moved and danced with the swords and weapons against the wanderers like the battlefield was a stage for her very own recital - her skills captivates him every time he had the honour of sharing the battlefield with her.

but he won't lie, ever since doctor zayne himself had pulled him aside secretly after he had accompanied her to her monthly appointment to advise him to be cautious of her overexerting herself physically at work due to her heart condition (and though neither doctor zayne nor she has given him much clue about the true urgency of her condition, he cannot help but be haunted by the fear and frustration in the cardiac surgeon's eyes), the fear has kept him up on more nights than he thought possible.

he's still silent, unsure how he'd like to go about this. as worried as he is, he bets it's an even more difficult experience for her to go through. her condition was something they barely talked about, she often shrugs off the topic every time it was brought up. xavier understands that she fears it too - almost to the point that she overcompensates for it by being too fearless. xavier wishes they could just simply talk about their fears together, but he doesn't know how to.

"so? nothing else to say now?" she almost challenges him, scoffing yet again in disbelief as she finally pulls her glare away and crosses her arms. xavier actually has a million and one things that he wishes to say, the bulk of it being apologies and the truth that's been weighing so heavily in his heart.

xavier is soft spoken, his body often the pen that writes the words he wishes to speak. "i.." he begins, then shakes his head as he steps in front of her, and so naturally, gets on his knees. an arm wraps around the back of her knees, and his free hand captures one of her own. he finds strength in the warmth of her skin, a reminder and reassurance that she was still alive and well - and he shan't squander this chance.

"i apologise, my heart." he sighs, grateful when she doesn't pull away. there is still stiffness and hesitance in her body and he doesn't blame her for that, understands that she's upset. nervously, he looks up at her, a little desolate when he sees her purposefully looking away. he takes her hand to his lips, where they press a soft kisses on each of her fingers. he doesn't know the intent is to comfort her, or himself. though he enjoys the imprints of her skin against his own, would tattoo the art lines of her fingerprints onto every inch of his body if he could.

"without a doubt in my heart, i know you're the bravest woman alive. enthrals me to no end how you're so beautiful, so talented and so intelligent all at the same time. all the marvels in the world stored in you." his eyes never once strayed away from her face, and you could see the twinkling in his eyes as he continues to watch her like she was the embodiment of the flowers that bloom in spring - and this garden was a place he'd be the most devoted pilgrim for. and with the honour of being the one she loves, how could this soldier not want protect his beloved treasure?

"but in all honesty, i'd been a bit worried since your last appointment. you've never truly told me what happened, so i don't know how to gauge things." he continues his explanation, still on his knees as he continues to press his kisses against her skin. this part of the explanation though, sends a shiver down his own spine as he recollects the reality of the situation. his star might not be okay, and he doesn't know what to do to cure her, except to just protect her. pulling his eyes away from her, he whimpers and presses his forehead against her abdomen. "i'm just scared."

the prince of philos is on his knees. a man with enough power to rule a planet, but in his eyes, that will all go to shame - rendered useless - if he can't find a way to save her.

"i understand that you don't feel comfortable with telling me what's going on.. but i know that it's not good. i don't know how to make you feel better, so i figured at least, i could do my best to keep you from harms away." he feels her fingers comb through his blonde locks, and he impossibly nuzzles closer to her, his arms tightening around her torso. "if you tell me what i can do, my love, i'll do it."

"i swear to you. tell me what i can do. tell me what you need, and i'll travel a million times around the world for it."

[universefcb]

Hiii love your work💗💗 can you do an imagine of hector always talking about his pop star girlfriend and going to her rehearsal (someone like Tate McRae)

Lights and shirt 32

Pairing: Hector Fort X gf!reader

Summary: You're dating Hector Fort, Barcelona's prodigy, and he's obsessed with you. He always comes to your rehearsals.

Warning: no <3

Author's note: Sorry for my absence, I'm tired these days, but I'll bring all the requests to you💗

And sorry if there are mistakes, English is not my language.I hope this is what you asked for!

The Barcelona dressing room was as busy as ever, but Héctor Fort was quiet, sitting in his corner, taping his ankles with absent-minded ease. His thoughts were not on the game, nor on the coach who was talking about marking and quick transitions.

“Wake up, Hector,” Balde laughed, throwing a wet towel in his direction.

Héctor just smiled from the corner of his mouth.

“I'm just thinking.”

“In her again?” Gavi asked, without even looking.

“Always on it,” he replied, with a smile, as if it were obvious.

Her. The girl who won over crowds with her husky voice and magnetic stage presence. The one who appeared at the biggest festivals with precise choreography and lyrics that stuck in your mind. The one who dressed like a pop hurricane and danced like the world was going to end with the next chorus.

His girlfriend.

The press was still trying to understand the couple: the discreet full-back and the global star. But for Héctor, it made perfect sense. She was his favorite mess, his organized chaos, and he would calm her down in the midst of all the flashes.

When practice was over, he drove straight to her rehearsal studio—a converted industrial warehouse in Poblenou, with exposed brick walls, huge mirrors, and the constant smell of coffee and sweat. She was there, in the center of the room, wearing a black tank top, sweatpants that hung low on her hips, and chunky sneakers, her hair pulled back in a messy bun.

The beat of the music filled the space and Héctor stood in the doorway, unnoticed, just watching. She moved with fierce precision, every step measured, every movement timed perfectly. But what moved him most was the look in the mirror—focused, fierce, mesmerizing.

“Fort is drooling,” whispered one of the dancers, laughing as she passed him.

He just raised his hands in surrender.

“I don’t deny it.”

When the music stopped, she turned, gasping, and their eyes met. Her smile was immediate, as if the world had stopped for a second just to remind her that he existed.

“You came,” he said, walking up to him.

“Of course I came. Do you think I would miss this?”

She laughed, wrapping her arms around his waist, her face still hot from the exertion. He ran his fingers down her back, to the elastic of her top.

“You look so beautiful dancing… like, absurdly beautiful” he whispered in her ear.

“Are you trying to distract me?”

“Always. I want you to miss a step just because you thought of me.”

She bit her lip, pulling him closer.

“You are an idiot.”

“You idiot.”

She pushed away with a light push, returning to the center of the room.

“Stay there. I want to show you a new choreography.”

Héctor sat on the floor, leaning against the wall, his eyes glued to her. When the music started again, slower, almost painful, he saw every line of her body tell a story—of pain, desire, longing. It was a new song, he had never heard it before.

“Is this song about me?” he asked when it was over.

She just smiled, walking slowly towards him.

“Maybe. Do you think you deserve it?”

“I think you think about me more than you admit in your lyrics.”

“Arrogant,” she whispered, sitting on his lap, sweaty, still panting.

He hugged her tightly, as if the outside world didn't exist.

“If I were you, I would write a song called Héctor, full of dramatic choruses and verses talking about how I am the man of your life.”

“Maybe I already wrote it.”

Silence fell between them, complicit and warm. She rested her forehead on his and sighed.

“Promise you’ll be at the show on Saturday?”

“Front row. Shirt number 32. Your biggest fan.”

She smiled, with that look only he knew—the look of the girl behind the pop star.

“I love you, Hec”

“Me too, Mi estrella ” (My star)

Taglist: @paucubarsisimp @nngkay @meganesanchez @merinottt @htpssgavi @luvvpedri @moonvr @joaosnovia @httpsdana @ilovebarcaaaa @p4uul0vr

[kp-alice]

Prove Her Wrong

Summary: Yunho knew that what that stranger had said to him back then wasn't true. He quite literally had physical evidence to prove it. And yet, he couldn't help but think about her comment a little too often.

AKA a well-endowed-and-very-desperate!sub!Yunho x bored!dom!f!reader

Word count: 3 820

Warnings: small-dick humiliation, roleplaying (reader pretends to be bored and unsatisfied), degradation (but no name-calling), mid-scene checking in, just another case of me writing about pathetic Yunho because I can't help myself and definitely have issues

A/N: This fic is the third part of my sub!Yunho Kinktober 2024! The event's masterlist can be found here.

"...and then she told me 'I have no right to act like an overcompensating asshole just because my dick is small'."

"Ouch," you hissed empathetically. "Yeah, I can definitely see how that would hurt for a while, even if she was totally wrong."

"That's uh, that's the thing," Yunho retorted nervously, shifting in his spot, "I kinda, well, liked it? I guess? Like- not because of her saying it, but because of what she said, you know?"

The silence between the two of you stretched to an uncomfortable degree, making Yunho chuckle nervously. "It's not too weird, is it?"

"Hmm, no, it's definitely weird," you concluded at last, eyebrows furrowed.

"...But I'd love to learn more about it."

"Wait," you said, sitting up straight on the couch, "so I'm supposed to have sex with you, but like, act like your dick is small and it's not doing anything for me?"

Yunho's blush deepened at your words, curling into himself even further. "I mean, when you put it like that, it does sound really weird, I'm sorry."

"No, honey," you said, leaning over to place a comforting hand on his thigh, "I wasn't saying it to make fun of you, I just want to make sure I understand it all correctly so that I don't mess up when we eventually try it."

"We seriously don't have to, though," Yunho opposed, starting to backtrack now that the nerves had caught up to him again. "It really is quite odd, and the last thing I want to do is push your boundaries just to please me and my weird kinks."

You sighed. This wasn't the first time Yunho had gotten like this when it came to talking about his needs and wants. No matter how many times you'd try to reassure him that it's fine to ask for things, it always took just a short moment of uncertainty for him to begin retracting back into his shell. "Yu, I've already told you that I'm completely fine with trying it. Sure, it's not something I'd personally bring up, but I'm not opposed to it either. Who knows, maybe I'll also end up liking it? Either way, I'm really not pushing myself to do anything, nor am I planning to do so. Just trust me, okay?"

"Okay," Yunho finally conceded, giving you a small smile. His hand found yours on his thigh, grasping it gently. "Thank you."

"Anytime, love," you smiled back, rubbing your thumb against the back of his hand. "Now, how about you elaborate on your little fantasy a bit more, hm? I need to know all of what I'm going to do to you."

A shiver ran down Yunho's spine at the words, visible excitement lighting up his eyes.

"Oh, we're going to be here a while."

After an open conversation or two with your boyfriend, you were finally ready to indulge him.

Yunho didn't want to set a specific date, though, feeling as though it would make the scene too staged and unnatural. So, instead, the two of you decided to just wait and use a non-verbal signal. If Yunho were to initiate sex while wearing a specific small blue bracelet, it was your sign to start the play if you felt up for it.

There were a couple false alarms of sorts, where Yunho would wear the bracelet the whole day, but would never actually gather the courage to initiate. You knew this was something that might happen, and yet you couldn't help the small twinge of disappointment whenever you went to bed with nothing from his side. You also suspect he might have worn it at least once just to tease you, but you didn't dare ask.

Then, it was your turn to decline a couple times. It wasn't payback for Yunho's nervousness in any way, obviously. It just so happened that the first two times when he'd tried to finally initiate, you were either not in the mood in general, or were up for something more soft and loving. And just as you had with him before, Yunho also completely understood your preferences, boundaries, and pace.

But then, one fateful night, things were finally put into motion.

You were lounging on the couch, watching TV while mindlessly scrolling on your phone. Yunho wasn't home yet, having to stay at work longer than expected today. You wouldn't have to wait much more, however, as you heard the front door opening just a few moments later.

Already from the sound of his heavy footsteps trudging down the hallway, you could tell he was tired. Then, a small thud resonated through the living room, making you sit up and look behind you.

There, Yunho slouched against the doorway, pouty and puppy-eyed. His hair was disheveled, likely from running his hands through it countless times from all the extra stress today.

"Hey there, love," you said warmly, turning his pout into a small smile.

"Hey," he replied sluggishly before pushing himself upright again to take off his jacket.

Which, to your surprise, revealed the blue bracelet.

If Yunho noticed the interested twinkle in your eyes, he didn't show it. Instead, he turned around, walking back to the front door to hang his jacket up next to yours. Afterwards, he wordlessly disappeared into the bathroom, likely to freshen up a bit after the awfully long day.

"Are you hungry?" You asked, watching him walk back into the room a few minutes later. "There's some leftovers from dinner if you want."

Yunho just hummed in disagreement, the pout from before returning to his lips. "'m not hungry."

"What can I do for you, then? What do you need?" You questioned further, scooting back to give him some room to sit down.

To your surprise (not really), he ignored the space you'd made for him, choosing to dive right into your arms instead. You huffed as he lay down on top of you, burying his face in your chest and wrapping his arms around you.

"You," he finally muttered, squeezing you just a bit tighter in his hold.

"Me? What do you mean?" You asked back, pretending like you couldn't already feel the slightest pressure against your thigh. Did he really rile himself up just thinking about his fantasy on the way home?

"Babe, please," he pleaded, an embarrassed whine to his voice, "you know what I mean."

Usually, you'd be satisfied with just a bit of teasing. A moment of playfulness before you'd get to the main event. But today? Today you wanted- no, needed, to truly savor the moment, both for your and Yunho's sake.

"I really don't, honey," you feigned ignorance, running your fingers through his hair with a mischievous smile on your face. "I'm afraid you're gonna have to tell me yourself."

And judging by the deep red visible on his cheeks even with his face hidden, you knew it was working for him as well.

"I just- I really need you right now," Yunho said, voice already wavering from the delicious anxiousness of being so small before you. "Y-you know, like, to be... inside you."

You chuckled at that, jostling your boyfriend's head a bit with the movement. "Ah, of course. It hasn't even been two days since you've last gotten off and you already wanna go again, huh?"

Yunho just meekly nodded, trying to bury his head further into you.

"I mean, I don't blame you, honey, but what's in it for me?"

Your question wasn't too direct just yet, still giving him some leeway to stop in case he felt uncomfortable or not ready.

But, much to your amusement, Yunho made no such attempt.

"Oh! W-well, I'll make you feel good too, obviously!" He promised, lifting his head up to look at you with hopeful eyes. "I always do."

You let out a loud laugh at that, making his face twist in confusion. "What?! You can't be serious right now."

"Wait, what do you mean?" Yunho asked in a shaky, uncertain voice, but the twitch against your thigh betrayed his real feelings.

"You seriously think fucking that small dick of yours is doing anything for me?" You ridiculed him, eyes wide in disbelief. "Why do you think I always ask you to eat me out after you're done? Even that tongue of yours feels bigger in me."

Truth be told, it wasn't you who usually asked for oral. Whether during, before, or after having "proper" sex, it was mainly Yunho who'd turn to you with hopeful eyes and an eager smile. But there's nothing wrong with a bit of fact-twisting for the sake of roleplay, right?

Your slight uncertainty was immediately solved with a choked moan from Yunho, along with a stuttered thrust against your leg. You could feel all of him through his pants now, dragging up and down your thigh with just enough pressure.

"P-please, babe," Yunho began again, gaze blurring into something more distant yet content. "I'll do anything to please you afterwards, but I'm so hard I don't think I can wait any longer."

"Wait," you said in fake awe, "you're hard right now? I can't even feel you against me! Are you sure you can actually stay inside with that?"

"Fuck," Yunho whimpered at your words, brows tightly knit together, "you're way too good at this."

You chuckled at his admission, breaking your mocking persona for a moment. "I'm glad you think so, hun." Lifting a hand to caress his cheek, you made him look into your eyes. "You're still okay with all of this, right?"

Yunho immediately nodded at your question, eager to reassure you. "Yes, please. This is better than anything I've ever imagined."

Feeling an almost embarrassing level of pride at the praise, you resumed your role with newfound excitement.

"You know what?" You spoke up again, challenging him with your unwavering stare. "I'll let you have your fun."

Yunho didn't need anything beyond that, diving into the crook of your neck the second you finished your sentence. You couldn't help the gasp leaving your lips at the sensation, Yunho's precision at finding your sweet spot catching you way too off-guard.

"Thank you, thank you, thank you," Yunho muttered lovingly, letting his hands roam free alongside your curves while he rutted against your thigh again.

His movements were halted, however, when a sharp sting shot up his scalp from where your fingers tugged at his hair, pulling him away from your neck.

"But," you continued, suppressing a mean smile, "you have to make me cum first, since you're so confident in your abilities."

You could see all the eagerness fall from Yunho's face and morph into a look of nervousness and uncertainty. Normally, Yunho would have no problem making you cum whichever way you wanted, but now, he knew it wouldn't be so easy. Your eyes screamed determination, excited to see him slip up and embarrass himself even further.

"I- I, uh- yeah! Sure, of course," Yunho finally replied, though the confident facade he tried to put on broke rather quickly.

You sighed, feigning complete disinterest as if you already knew what the outcome would be anyway. "Fine, go ahead then. Let's see how much magic you can conjure up with that tiny dick."

The two seconds of silence that followed after your sentence were broken by a chuckle from Yunho, making you join in as well.

"I'm sorry," he said, "I know that was supposed to be hot - and it was, but it was also pretty funny."

"Shut up," you retorted, annoyed, though you couldn't hide your own amusement. Fighting back the shy blush on your cheeks, you continued, "and get back to work. You have a lot to prove right now."

"Yes, ma'am," Yunho muttered, re-focusing on the task at hand. He crawled backwards on the couch, giving him just enough space to take off your sweatpants and underwear, ignoring the damp spot in the middle. Seems like he wasn't the only one enjoying this.

He then removed his own pants and boxers, making you scoff. "Are you seriously so horny you can't even take off my shirt as well? You're so pathetic."

Yunho whined at the delicious sting of your words, crawling back up to settle between your legs. Just as he'd told you, he was already rock hard, pent-up from daydreaming about this exact scenario the whole day. Today was going to be the day, he just knew it. And now that it was actually happening, not to mention how you seemed to like it as well? He was almost shaking with excitement.

"Don't even bother with prep," you said unenthusiastically, reaching over to the coffee table to grab your phone again. "There's no need to prepare for something that small."

Yunho's movements stuttered for a second at your words, unsure of how to proceed. You usually liked it when he'd take his time and warm you up to his size, but now you were telling him to just skip it and go right to the main event. Well, guess he's going to have to trust your judgment.

"It's not even that small," Yunho tried to argue, fumbling with his erection to line himself up properly, "just wait, I'll show you how good I can make you feel."

You looked up from the phone in your hand (you couldn't really focus on anything on there, but pretended to be distracted anyways in the name of your role-playing session), trying to seem as unbothered as possible. "Yeah, yeah, all that big talk just to-"

Your words got caught in your throat as he finally began pushing in. You knew it was going to be a bit of a stretch, but those expectations were exceeded anyways. Taking a deep breath, you tried to relax as much as possible. As the resistance from your muscles began to fade, so did Yunho begin to breach even deeper.

"You good?" Yunho tentatively asked, visibly affected himself.

Unable to form words at the moment, you just nodded as confidently as you could.

After a few more tense seconds, Yunho was finally fully sheathed inside of you. He stayed like that for a while, looking into your eyes for a sign to start moving.

"So? How does it feel?" He asked, a playful smile on his lips at the way you were biting your bottom lip with furrowed brows.

As always, Yunho just couldn't help but be a brat and keep challenging your authority at the most random of times.

But, of course, you were having none of that.

Fighting back a wicked smile, you feigned confusion instead.

"What do you mean?" You asked, trying to sound as genuine as possible. "I'm still waiting for you to put it in."

It was almost impossible not to burst out laughing at the flustered look on Yunho's face. His eyes widened, flitting between your seemingly innocent face and down where you were already connected. "But- but I-"

"But what?" You challenged again, that annoyed edge to your tone from before returning. "Too scared to go through with it now? Just admit I'm right and save yourself the humiliation, seriously."

Yunho shook his head, the blush on his face spreading down to his neck and chest. "No, that's not- I mean, I- I'm already-"

"Already what? Not hard anymore? Got so anxious that that poor excuse of a dick fell asleep again? Not that it makes much of a difference, really."

Yunho's bottom lip trembled as he squeezed his eyes, stomach churning as the humiliation seeped even further in. It felt so awful to the point it felt exhilarating. He wanted to believe you couldn't feel him incessantly throbbing within you, but he was smarter than that.

"That's not what I meant!" He cried out, voice wobbling from the tightness in his chest. "I'm just- It's already in, okay?!"

A deafening silence filled the room, making Yunho want to curl up on himself. All of your attention was on him right now, boring into him with an intense, unreadable gaze.

And then you began laughing.

"Oh my god," you wheezed incredulously, gasping for air. Your body shook with your breaths, unintentionally squeezing around Yunho as well.

It was confusing, feeling the mix of incredible arousal along with insane shame. Yunho could feel his stomach tighten to the point of almost hurting, and yet it felt so good.

"Are you crying?" You gasped, marveling at the tears in his eyes threatening to spill over at any second. "You were so overconfident about that tiny dick of yours and look where it got you now. Crying because you can't even please a woman right. You're incredible."

That was the final straw.

Sobs echoed around the room as Yunho finally broke, letting the tears flow freely as he gave in to the humiliation. His arms gave out under him as he fell into your embrace again, wetting the pillow under you as he hid his face into it. He trembled in your hold in almost complete silence, safe for the occasional sniffles and an almost inaudible "fuck" whimpered into the cushion.

"You okay?" You whispered, tangling a hand into his hair to pet it softly.

Yunho quickly nodded in your hold before shuffling his head down into the crook of your neck again. "I'm gonna cum, oh my god."

You smiled fondly at his words, using his obstructed vision to relax your stern expression for just a second. "Aw, is that it? You've barely even put it in - or at least you say you did - and you're already gonna cum? What happened to our deal, huh? Are you that desperate you can't even wait for me to get off first?"

Just as expected, your words seemed to rile him up even further. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," he said in a strained voice. His hips began rutting against yours with zero rhythm, focused on chasing the pleasure your body and words had brought him. "I'm so pathetic I can't help it, please!"

You rolled your eyes, but the clenching of your own muscles around him betrayed your true thoughts on the situation. "Ugh, fine. Not like I expected anything better anyways. Just clean up after yourself when you're done, and maybe I'll let you make me cum after."

Yunho grinned down at you, wet cheeks shining in the light. "Thank you, oh god, thank you!"

You gasped as his pace quickened, rocking you up and down on the couch under him. Yunho's face showed nothing but absolute bliss, eyebrows furrowing and mouth hanging open as he got lost in the feeling of you.

"Fuck- I love you, I love you so much," Yunho suddenly groaned out, head hanging low as he tried to keep up with himself, "you're the best thing that's ever happened to me, I swear."

You chuckled at the confession, trying to keep your breathing somewhat steady yourself. "Just because I told you your dick is small? That's not difficult criteria to meet, don't you- ah! Don't you think?"

Yunho just moaned in response, head too stuffy to form proper responses anymore. However, the increasing pleasure coursing through him felt so overwhelming to the point he had to at least say something, and so he resorted to that which he knew best.

"Love you, love you so much, 'so good to me, treat me so well all the time," he rambled on and on, hiding his face in the crook of your neck before lifting his head up to breathe properly, only to then drop back down again. "You feel so- fuck! So good, I love you! Please, can I come? Please, I need to-"

"Come, honey," you spoke in a hushed yet clear voice, slipping your hands underneath his shirt to press him closer to your chest. "Did so well today, took everything I gave you and then some."

Yunho let out another sob at your words, overwhelmed with both the warmth of your body and your words. Clutching your hips and waist tight enough to bruise, he pushed into you two, three times before finally stilling inside of you. His back tensed as the endorphins hit him all at once, even clouding his vision for a moment.

You held your lover close as he slowly came down from his high, holding onto you for dear life. Your hands rubbed soothing circles into his back.

Just when you were starting to think he'd fallen asleep, Yunho spoke up again.

"Well, that was insane."

You chuckled, making him raise his head up to look at you. "In a good way or in a bad way?"

Quirking an eyebrow, he nodded down to your half-naked bodies, still connected together in the middle. "What do you think?"

"Yeah, yeah, I get it," you conceded. "I was just scared of accidentally hurting your feelings in the process, so I needed to ask for my own peace of mind."

"You could never hurt me with anything you'd said today," Yunho reassured you, bringing one of his hands up to cup your cheek. "Besides," he grinned, "like you said, I have quite a lot of evidence to prove none of what you told me is true."

That earned him an outraged slap on his arm, making him giggle mischievously. Nevertheless, it left the both of you smiling stupidly anyways.

"...Anyways, I have a favor to repay, don't I?" He asked in a husky voice, supporting himself against the couch cushions as he rose back up.

"Ah, you don't really have to," you replied shyly, suddenly reminded of the compromising position you were stuck in in front of him. "I mostly just said that as part of the scene, we can just go clean up in the shower like we usually do."

It was already too late, though, as Yunho began to slowly pull out of you, dropping down on his stomach right after to make sure you didn't make a mess on the couch.

"No, no, you were right," he disagreed, flashing you a devious smile as he disappeared between your legs.

"You already did your part, now let me do mine."

taglist: @justconniez @domribo @another-random-fanfic-blog

Thank you for reading! And remember, feedback is always very appreciated! <3

[lara4eclipze]

» I Miss Us

sypnosis: lara was never one to be in situationships nor talking stages, she claimed it was stupid and would only end up with ones heart broken or yearning — yet here she was missing you her only situationship

warning: angst, situationship, hurt no comfort, swearing, ghosting, italics for flashbacks, etc

talks: I'm so sorry for those requests i haven't written yet BUT trust i am gonna write some and release them maybe today and tomorrow!, thank you for your patience ^^

taglist: @ohmyhaely @nyssalvr @vrtualstar @c-yerim @jellaaa @nakylvr @chuugetmesohigh

lara stared at her phone, at your conversation to be specific — it's been two months since you two have even chatted, in lara's opinion is the longest two months of her life

lara used to get excited just staying up and chatting with you — sneaking out of the dorms just to have drinks or eat out with you, it didn't matter that she could've been caught by her management — what mattered to her was you

the door to the kats shared house creeks louder than lara would've wanted — her eyes adjust to the dark environment only to make out a figure standing near the kitchen, their leader sophia

"where have you been?!, you know i have been worried sick? i called everyone including your mom!" sophia screams at lara, maybe for the first time in a while — atleast lara wants to pretend like so

in reality lara has been on sophias nerves ever since she started to talking to you — she always left without telling anyone she would be lazy in practices just so that she can chat with you

"go to your room — and whoever it is you are meeting up with, stop it lara you're getting too distracted" sophia mutters trying to keep her calm demeanor "stop telling me what to do" lara snaps back

"do it or ill tell the management team" sophia threatened, it all just stopped from that moment on — lara had to choose between her needs and wants, she walked silently to her shared room fidgeting with her phone

she debated whether to chat you or listen to sophia yet as much as she hated what she was gonna do she did it

she ghosted you.

the first week was confusing to say the least — lara who always chatted with you through every platform was now getting cold?, her usual energetic response to your chats were now replaced with "yeah" or "okay"

the second week was weird, lara had took almost 2 - 3 days just to respond to you, you double texted you had even called her a few times yet it always ended with her giving you a honestly lame excuse

the third to fourth week hurted the most, lara had fully ghosted you, she didn't respond at all, you knew she was active on her socials i mean she posted every week — she always saw your texts she just chose not to open them, you got desperate for even a drop of her attention, it got so bad to the point you tried contacting her other mutual friends

by the second month you had started to accept what had happened — you didn't wait for a notification from her user anymore, you didnt expect a miracle to happen

lara breaths heavily as she back reads on your chats — it took all of her courage not to call you during all of this, she tried and tried making herself believe that you were just a waste of time that you were just a distraction

yet every little thing makes her remember you, late night trips?, your favorite food, even your scent — it all comes back to you

maybe you were meant for eachother just not in this time not in this moment — she sighs massaging her temples, her lips pressed into a thin line as longing creeps into her

she types then deletes again, types and then deletes — maybe it was too long?, too casual? — lara over analyzed her text to you, until she just typed something simple

a notification pops up on your phone, it was 2 am who would be awake in such hour?

my laru♡: hi, how are you?

your heart sinks, everything you've worked so hard for has come down to this moment, moving on, crying even denial that she ghosted you

y/n: I'm good.

lara's mood shifts, you really are gone — the period on the end of the sentence and the proper grammar, screamed over her

my laru♡: I'm sorry, i miss us

you wanted to respond saying you do too, you missed hours and hours of taking with her — laughing at the stupidest things ever, god even that stupid nickname she had in your chats

y/n: me too.

yet as reality dawns on lara, its all a sick cycle — she could never date you, because of her career, she just wanted to pretend that it didnt matter just for a few more minutes

[darkbluekies]

Like magic — part 2/end?

Part 1

Male!yandere x female!reader x female!yandere

Summary: after waking up from a coma like state, you find out that people are dying around you ... and they all seem to have a connection to you

Warnings: death, blood, typical stuff, abusive household

Word count: 5.1k

A/N: I feel that the ending got rushed, but I didn't know what I was going to write! Apologies. And for the moment, this will be the end of the series, but if I ever want to do another part, I will<3

Taglist: @yandere-city2 @svinxie @yumeneji @spitakgini

"Have you ever had a dueling class?" Hedwig asks.

"No, never", you reply nervously, thinking of everything Edmund told you about it.

"It's going to be fine. We're not even sure if they're going to pick you for demonstration!"

"I'm happy that Edmund isn't in this class or I'd be dead."

The mention of his name makes Hedwig quiet.

"Oh, I'm sorry, Hedwig", you say. "I know you don't like to talk about him."

"You seem to like it …"

"What? No! He just annoys me so I can't forget him. He's taken over my brain like a virus."

Hedwig sighs and hugs your arm.

"I don't like him at all", she mumbles. 

You enter your very first dueling class and watch how the professor start to talk about different spells (most you've never even heard of).

"I need two participants", he says and looks around for faces. "Arthur and Y/N, please."

You can feel Hedwig stiffen against your arm. You feel your blood go cold.

"B-But professor-!" Hedwig starts.

"No buts, come up here now, Y/N", the professor demands.

You have no other choice than to step up on the stage-looking plateau. Hedwig watches in horror with her hands clasped over her mouth. You pick up your wand. 

"Professor!" Hedwig tries again, but once again she's dismissed.

You're supposed to protect yourself from a spell you have never heard about before, but since you neither know the spell nor the counter spell, it hits your body like a thousand needles. Suddenly, everything seems to go in slow motion. You're flung against the stone wall. The air gets knocked out of your lungs and your head starts to pound thickly. Everything turns dark.

Hedwig screams and runs over to you.

"Y/N, are you okay?!" she gasps. "Y/N answer, please!" She turns to the professor. "I tried to warn you! She doesn't know any dueling spells! Now look at what you did!"

The professor stands there sheepishly, and Hedwig wants nothing more than to swing her wand and do as much damage as she possibly can.

A few students help Hedwig carry your unconscious body to the hospital wing where your bloody head is wrapped in bandage. You're tucked in under white sheets. Hedwig sits by with tears running down her cheeks. She holds your hand tightly. 

Edmund sighs and turns the page. Idiocy, all of it. He doesn't want to read about spells, he wants to perform them.

"Did you hear?" a voice says to someone else. "The transfer student in third year got abominated during duel class."

The school only has one transfer student. Edmund shuts the book and flies up towards the Hufflepuff student talking bullshit.

"What the fuck are you talking about?" He asks. "Don't talk so much shit. Spit it out."

They seem to flinch upon seeing him. Edmund's made sure that people know you belong to him.

"The transfer student, she's in the hospital wing", the hufflepuff boy says, ashamed by now.

Edmund feels how his heart stops beating. No way. Not you. He gives the Hufflepuff boy one last glare before running off. He bumps into multiple people on his way, but doesn't stop to excuse himself.

Hedwig looks up when she hears someone rip the door open and run in. Edmund's face is paler than usual and for once, there's something desperate in his icy blue eyes.

"What the fuck happened?" he pants and walks to the other side of the bed. 

"The professor didn't listen to me when I tried to tell him that Y/N doesn't know any spells", Hedwig sniffles without taking her eyes off of you. "She got flung against the wall and must have hit her head really hard."

"I'm going to kill him."

Hedwig sobs and rests her forehead down on your hand. 

“Stop doing that”, Edmund mutters and pulls her head back before wiping your hand. “Your face oil is getting all over her.”

"What if she never wakes up again?"

"Stop talking such nonsense, of course she will."

But he can't help feeling worried.

"Alright, students", the working nurse says, "you cannot stay here any longer, the patient needs to rest."

"I'm staying", Edmund says sharply.

"I'm staying too!" Hedwig insists.

"No, you have to listen to the rules. You can visit miss Y/N later."

They are about to resist once more, but are forced out and the doors close behind them.

"What a prick!" Edmund mutters and starts to walks off.

"Edmund, wait … please", Hedwig sniffles. "Please help me."

He frowns and turns around.

"I can't let that boy get away with it", she whimpers. "But I can't do it alone. Please … help me. Please."

“You want … me … to help … you?” he asks, confused. “Have you lost your little sugar, honey mind?”

Hedwig sobs and shakes her head. “No. Please, Edmund. I can’t do it myself, I don’t have the heart to do it. But I know you do.”

“How would you know that?”

“Don’t lie. I know that you have the tattoo on your arm. Everyone knows who your parents are and what they’ve done.” She snuffles and wipes her nose. “It doesn’t matter if they lie. Everyone knows.”

Edmund hushes and covers her mouth with his hand. Hedwig’s eyes widens. 

“Be silent, will you?” he hisses. “Fine, I’ll do it … not because you tell me to, but because Y/N needs to be revenged — and because I’m fucking pissed.”

“Thank you, nonetheless.” She takes a deep breath. “If you … if you do it, I will make sure to cover it up.”

“Deal.”

When you wake up, you can feel a harsh pounding in the back of your head, harsh enough to split your skull open. You open your eyes slightly, letting just enough daylight in to be able to locate yourself. The hospital wing. 

Why am I here?

You suddenly remember, and it sends a new painful wave through your brain. Carefully, you sit up and look around, wishing to see Hedwig, but there’s noone. 

Suddenly, a few teachers rush in with a body in their arms. The boy who you had dueled with — Arthur, you believed his name to be — gets thrown onto a bed and covered with a sheet. A shiver runs down your spine. Whatever that was about, you don’t want to be included. 

“Excuse me?” you say hesitantly, gathering the attention of the nurse. “Could you help me?”

“Yes of course”, she answers and hurries over. “You’re finally awake, I’m happy to see that. How are you feeling?”

Dismissing her question, you ask her to bring you Hedwig. And Hedwig you receive, along with the black haired devil. 

“Oh, Y/N!” she shouts in relief and wraps her arms around you. “Oh, how happy I am to see you awake! You worried me sick.”

You hug her back, weirdly scared. You have no idea how long you’ve been unconscious for, or what has happened to you while you were out. Hedwig’s ripped off of you and suddenly, you feel Edmund’s firm, muscular arms around you. He holds your head into his chest, breathing out slowly. 

“I told you that you didn’t want to end up in the hospital wing”, he mumbles and sighs out, cupping your cheeks. “From now on, I won’t let you anywhere out of my sight. Since miss princess over here can’t keep an eye on you, I have to do it.”

“Excuse me?” Hedwig scoffs. “Do you think I wanted Y/N to get hurt? I tried to tell the professor-!”

“I don’t care, halfblood. If I were there, I wouldn’t have let that happened! I would have dueled the damn professor myself.” He turns to you and kisses your forehead. “My dear, Y/N. I will never let anyone touch a hair on your head again, do you understand me?”

You nod, confused. 

“Good”, Edmund smiles and stands up. “What should we do with you now?"

"Are you allowed to leave?" Hedwig asks softly and you nod. She takes your hands. "Let's go eat something. You can sit at my table."

You come with her to the great hall and sit down by the hufflepuff table. Edmund refuses to be seen beside the students wearing yellow and black uniforms and retreats to the Slytherin table. 

“Here you go, sweetheart”, Hedwig says and starts to fill a plate for you, giving it over. “Eat a lot, okay? You have been skipping multiple days now that you’ve been in a coma — or whatever that was. You have multiple days to make up for, eat up.”

“Thank you, Hedwig, that’s very nice of you”, you reply and watch the mountain of food on your plate. 

Hedwig insists on feeding you, as if you were a baby. You don’t mind. After waking up all alone in a foreign room, without any knowledge of what has happened or how long you’ve been gone, being babied doesn’t sound too bad.

The entire hall is glancing at you and you realize that if there ever was the slightest chance of staying single in the public’s eyes, you were sealed to Hedwig by now. 

Your stomach starts to hurt not long after. It has shrunk in size.

“It hurts”, you say and clutch your stomach. “I think I’m going to throw up if I eat more.”

“But … but …”, Hedwig stutters, completely baffled. 

“Hedwig, I love the food, I really do … but if I eat more for now I’m going to puke.”

“I’ll … I’ll save it then!” she says happily. 

She puts the bread in a napkin and puts it in the pocket of her cloak. You’re pulled up from the bench by her arm and taken out into the corridor.

“Let’s go out into the fresh air to get you feeling better”, she smiles.

You nod, following Hedwig wherever she takes you. A fresh wind clears your lungs.

"I hope you know that I'm so happy that you're okay", she says and holds your hand while you're walking, side by side. "I got so scared. You know that I would do anything for you, right?"

You nod again.

"When I say that, I really mean it. Nothing is too much for you.”

“I’m glad to hear that.”

Hedwig smiles and hugs your arm tightly.

“You should come over to my house someday”, she says. “I would show you so much stuff that you have never seen before. You’re missing out on a lot by being born into a muggle family.”

“I would like very much to go to your house”, you say quietly. “I don’t want to go home.”

She stops. “What? Why?”

“Well … you know … I don’t want to go home.”

She frowns when you shrug awkwardly. You’ve hinted about your home life numerous times, but you’ve never told her the entire reason. Should you?

“Why?" she asks. "Why don't you want to go home?"

"I'm scared that they won't let me go back."

"Nonsense, Y/N. I'm sure that they'll understand."

"No, Hedwig, they won't. They locked me in my bedroom every year to make sure I wouldn't get here. I picked the lock this time. Otherwise I wouldn't be here."

"Are they bad people, Y/N?"

"Well … I don't know. They're not mean but … if I say anything that goes against their rules or their wishes, they punish me greatly.”

"How?"

“You’d be surprised at how creative they are.”

“I see.” She smiles softly and caresses your cheek. “You have nothing to be worried about, I will take you in. You can move into my house.”

“Thank you, but I don’t want to be a bother to your parents.”

“They’re rarely home anyway, they wouldn’t even notice.” She gasps and looks at her watch. “Oh, my God, I’m so sorry, Y/N, I have to go! I have class in five minutes. Please find me after class, we can meet in the library. I love you, Y/N, bye!”

She kisses your cheek and runs. You watch her until she disappears into the castle. The headache returns and you press your palms to your forehead, giving out a small sigh. Did your brain disconnect from the skull in that fall?

There’s too many people around you, too many sounds. You start to move back towards the castle when you’re stopped by a couple of students. They’re younger than you, but smirk like adults. 

“Aren’t you the third year that can’t duel to save your life?” one of them taunts. 

You’re taken aback, not knowing what to respond. They laugh among themselves, enjoying your embarrassment. You glance down at their robes. All from different houses.

Suddenly, their smiles disappear and they fixate on something behind you. You turn around, seeing Edmund with his two minions. 

“Bet you’re feeling tough, huh?” Edmund asks coldly. “Picking on someone that just came out of the hospital wing? Fuck off.”

The younger students glare at him, but listen and leave. You can feel Edmund’s hand on your shoulder. 

“Hey, transfer student”, he says, “you shouldn’t wander around right after waking up from a coma. Did you lose braincells when hitting your head?”

“No”, you sigh and hold your hand on your head. “But it does hurt. A lot. All sounds make my brain pound.”

Edmund covers your ears with his hand, gives you a small nudge in the back with his knee to make you walk. He brings you to an empty corridor and sits you down on the floor. 

“Did you know those kids?” he asks. 

“No”, you shake your head. 

“I knew one of them”, one of his friends says. “Won’t be too hard to figure out who the others are.”

“Good”, Edmund says and sits down beside you, bringing you close to him. 

You frown in confusion as he wraps his cloak around you and puts your face on his shoulder. 

“Let’s rest here for a bit”, he says. “Don’t move. Sleep if you want.”

 The food swelling in your shrunken stomach and the loud noises have brought you back to exhaustion. You find yourself drifting off in his hold. Edmund sits with you, holding you closely. Every time someone walks by, he holds his hand over your ears to make sure they won’t wake you up. His friends chase them off. 

“Of course you had something to do with it”, he hears a voice say after a while. 

“No need to be snarky, Hedwig”, Edmund says without lifting his eyes from you. “I helped you kill that Arthur boy, the least you can do is thank me.”

“Is she okay?”

“Yeah, just tired.”

Hedwig sits down beside the two of you and caresses your hair. 

“We have more to take care of”, Edmund says lowly. “Some embarrassing kids tried to embarrass Y/N. If you can find out who they are, I will take care of them.”

“Sure, it wouldn’t be too hard.” Especially with her contacts.

Things start to happen the following weeks. People you have talked to or that have been close to you have disappeared from the school or ended up dead in the hospital wing. You have done everything in your power to not blame yourself for the weird disappearances. It has to be a coincidence, you tell yourself. It can’t be your fault.

“Why that look?” Edmund asks and pokes your shoulder. 

You haven’t even realized that you’ve been staring in front ot you, completely missing what the teacher has said the last half an hour. 

“I feel weird”, you whisper. 

“Why?” Edmund asks, confused. 

“Haven’t you realized that people have died or disappeared?”

“I haven’t thought about it too much. It doesn’t interest me.”

“Oh …”

You look down in your lap where your nails scratch at each other.

“Why are you putting so much thought about it?” Edmund questions. 

“I’ve talked to them all … they’ve disappeared or died after they’ve been in my presence. Do you think it has something to do with me?”

“You think everything has to do with you.”

“I do not!”

The teacher scolds you for raising your voice and disturbing the class. Edmund smirks for himself. It stays on until you’re let out of the classroom. 

“Wait, Y/N, can you stay for a moment?” the teacher asks. 

You nod and walk over with Edmund behind you. 

“The headmaster wants to talk to you”, the teacher says. 

“What?” you ask. 

“Why?” Edmund demands to know. 

"It's urgent. Please hurry to his office.”

You give Edmund a nervous glance and hurry out. He follows closely with a cold look on his face.

“What do you think could have happened?” you ask him while rounding the corner.

“No idea”, he responds shortly. “But if they're trying to put you in trouble I'm snapping their necks.”

You can feel him take your hand tightly. You'll end up with bruises, you're sure.

The headmaster's office is dimly lit. He sits behind the desk with a worried look in his eyes. It only makes you even more terrified.

“Y/N, good”, he says and sits up straight. “I have some very serious matters to discuss with you. I see that you brought your friend.”

Edmund looks greatly offended at his title.

“What is it?” you ask carefully. 

“I'm sure that you haven't missed the unfortunate death of some of our students during these last few weeks … and they've all linked with you somehow-”

“Do you think she has killed them?” Edmund bursts out angrily.

“I did not say that. Please calm down. What I am saying is that the murders are linked with you somehow and to prevent more innocent students from death, we'll have to suspend you for a while.”

His words hit you like a missile in your chest. 

“What?” you ask quietly. “Suspend me? I haven't done anything wrong!”

“I know, Y/N, but we need to catch this murderer before he does more harm and with you here, we risk even more lives.” 

“How do you even know that Y/N is linked, hm?” Edmund questions snarky.

“Well, we're not one hundred percent sure, so sending Y/N home will determine if the murderers had anything to do with her or not. You'll take the train tomorrow evening. I'm sorry, Y/N.”

You can't seem to move, wondering if someone has put a spell on you. Your head pounds, and you start to wonder if you're hallucinating, almost hoping for it. Edmund leads you out to the corridor and grabs your shoulders to force you to look at him.

“You haven't done anything wrong, do you understand that?” he asks you harshly. 

You nod carefully.

“I don't want to go home”, you shake your head quickly as tears form in your eyes. 

“You’ll be back soon enough. When they realize that you have nothing to do with it, they have to bring you back.”

But you have to go back, and you know better than to argue with grown ups. Whether you want to or not, you’re on the train the next day, with all your belongings. Hedwig and Edmund are standing on the station, waving you off. 

“This fucking sucks”, Edmund mutters, watching the train leave. 

“I’m so worried for her”, Hedwig says shakily. “I hope that they’re not mean to her.”

“Who?”

“Her parents.”

Edmund stares at her in shock, almost fear. “What about her, parents, Hedwig?”

“You didn’t know?”

“Know what?”

“Y/N told me that they’re creative with … punishments. They didn’t want her to come here … and now that she’s been gone for half a semester, I’m scared what they’re going to do to her once she comes back. She might not be allowed to come back … or they might hurt her.”

“Not on my fucking watch.”

He starts to walk back towards the school.

“What are you going to do?” Hedwig shouts behind him.

Edmund stops and walks back to her with burning, icy eyes. 

“I am going to get Y/N out of that house and you are going to keep killing here”, he says sharply. “Do you understand that, halfblood?”

“Me?!” Hedwig almost screams. 

Edmund covers her mouth with his hand. 

“Shut up”, he orders her, “or else the entire country will hear you.”

She removes his hand forcefully and glares at him. 

“Edmund, I can’t kill anyone”, she hisses. 

“Oh, you fucking can”, Edmund scoffs. “I know you’re not all nice. Don’t even try. You had no problem threatening me on on the quidditch court. You have no remorse when you give me information on the people that I kill. You can do it too, stop pretending to be some weak lamb.”

Hedwig doesn’t answer. 

“Why do I have to keep killing?” she mutters. “Y/N’s gone.”

“Because she won’t get to return otherwise”, Edmund replies. “If the headmaster realizes that the murders really do link with Y/N, she’ll never get to come back — they might even think it was her that killed them … and then she’ll be sent to Azkaban. Is that what you want?”

Hedwig shakes her head quickly. 

“That’s what I thought”, he says. “My friends will help you kill whoever you need to. I am going to go get Y/N.”

“I know the muggle world better than you. Why can’t I go get her and you stay?”

“Because I don’t fucking trust you.”

“I don’t trust you.”

“I don’t care.”

With that said, he walks away, leaving Hedwig alone on the platform. 

You cry the entire way back. You haven’t done anything, why are you getting punished? It’s not fair. Now you’re getting sent back to your parents while the murderer is still allowed to roam the halls of Hogwarts. You’ll never be allowed to go back. 

When the train stops, you’re met by your parents outside the window. You remain in your seat. They go on board to get you when they realize that you refuse to come out. 

“Y/N, get up”, your mother says coldly. “Stop being childish.”

You don’t look at them, don’t answer. Your father grabs a hold of your arm and pulls you up from the seat. 

“Don’t touch me!” you shout. “I can walk by myself.”

You press yourself past them and walk out on the platform. The entire ride home is silent, but you know that the second the front door closes, you’ll know what hell feels like. And you’re of course right, because the second your father locks the front door behind you, you feel a slap over your cheek. With wide eyes, you back away and put your hand on your cheek. They have never put their hands on you. They have done countless embarrassing and hurtful punishments, but they have never hurt you physically. Not like this. if you weren’t stunned, you’d scream at them. 

“I don’t even want to look at you”, your mother says in disgust and walks into the living room. 

“Just go to your room and stay there”, your father says in the same manner. “I will confiscate all of your ‘magic’ supplies.”

You don’t question them and walk upstairs. The second you close your bedroom door behind you, you break out into sobs. You knew that this would happen at the end of the year, but you had wished that you could have stayed a semester, at least. It’s not fair. 

You sink down on your bed and hide your face in your hands and you sit like that for who knows how long. The sky turs dark and the moon greets you, but you ignore him. You don’t move out of your spot, not even when your stomach starts to growl. 

Suddenly, you can hear a crash from downstairs. Quickly, you stand up and are about to run over to the door, when you remember your parents. You don’t want to go downstairs and show them that the loud sound worried you. They don’t deserve that after what they’ve done. Instead, you cross your arms and lay down in bed, curling up in to a ball with your back towards the door. You shut out the sounds from downstairs, humming for yourself to drown them out. 

When you hear your door open, you’re too scared to turn around. 

“Y/N.”

Edmund? You turn around and see him standing in the doorway, blood dripping from his hair and covering his cloak. He smiles when seeing you, the first genuine smile you’ve ever seen him wear. He hurries over to you and hugs you tightly. You’re smushed against his chest and can feel his hands everywhere. His bloody hands. 

“W-What have you done?” you stutter into his neck while trying your best to push him off. 

“I’m here to save you!” he says. “Hedwig told me about your parents. They won’t keep you captive anymore.”

“What have you done?!”

You manage to push him off. He looks confused. 

“They were being mean to you, Y/N”, he says in a questionable manner. “They’ve hurt you. Your cheek …”

You can’t understand how he can sense a redness in the skin.

“What have you done?” you ask, quieter this time. 

“I’ve killed them”, he says firmly. “I killed them without magic. Just how mudbloods deserve to be killed.”

Your eyes widen. Your body goes cold at the thought of Edmund taking someone's life. It doesn't matter if he thinks that he's doing you a favor, the action itself is enough to make you mortified. You try to crawl back on the bed, but your head hits the wall, trapping you. Edmund grabs your leg and pulls you back, closer to him. 

“Don’t run away from me”, he tells you. “Not now. I came all the way here to help you.”

“How did you even get here?” you sob. 

“My father helped me. Now come here-”

You start to claw at him when he tries to pick him up, accidentally revealing the tattoo on his wrist. You stop dead in your tracks and he’s quick to pull his sleeve down. 

“Hedwig was right”, you pant. “You fucking monster!”

“Monster or not, I saved you”, Edmund reminds you and takes your moment of surprise to his advantage, pulling you over his shoulder. “Now we’re going.”

You start to scream and kick, so he wrestles you down on the floor in the corridor, picks something up from his pocket and pours something in your mouth. A liquid reminding you of Hedwig’s love potion. You cough to try to get it up, but Edmund covers your mouth with his hand and dictates it upwards, so you’ll have no other choice but to swallow the unfamiliar liquid. You feel your body grow numb in a minute. Your eyes are still open, you can still hear, but you can’t move. 

“Sorry for that, Y/N”, Edmund pants and picks you up again. “But you can’t behave. And I need you to be quiet.”

When he carries you downstairs, you can see the bloody bodies lying on the floor with limbs in positions and directions they definitely shouldn’t be in. You want to scream, but you can’t move. 

Edmund carries you out to something looking like a car, but you can telly hat it isn’t. It looks more like a carriage. He has a chauffeur in the front who starts to drive when Edmund has sitten down with you in his lap. The carriage flies, you notice when you spot your roof outside. 

“I’m sorry, Y/N”, Edmund says and brushes the hair out of your face. “I didn’t want to numb you, I hope you know that.”

How fucking could you?

“Don’t give me that look.”

You killed my parents, you swine.

Edmund sighs and covers your eyes with his hand. He soon removes it when he feels water against his palm.

“Y/N, don't cry”, he sighs. “Why are you even upset? They wouldn’t let you come back to the place you belonged … they hurt you. Stop looking at me like I’m the bad guy here. Yes, I killed them but I did you a favor.”

He doesn't say more until the carriage stops outside of a dark house. Edmund carries you inside (where it's just as dark), up a pair of marmot stairs and into a bedroom. You can tell that it's his right away by the moving pictures of dark wizards on the wall. He lies you down on his bed and sit by your side, caressing your cheek until the potion is diluted enough in your blood for you to move. It won’t be fully gone until it has exited your body. You sit up and look around, feeling his eyes on you. 

“Why did you do that?” you ask quietly. “Did you kill all the others too? In school?”

Edmund nods. 

“You fucking creep”, you breathe out. 

Edmund scoffs, but doesn’t answer. “Aren’t you happy I killed them for you? Your parents are awful. They hurt you, they didn’t see your potential.”

“They were my fucking parents …”

“And they hurt you.”

Silence. 

“Your tattoo …”, you say hesitantly. “Why?”

Edmund covers his wrist with his hand, even though his shirt already hides the tattoo.

“What should I have done, do you think?” he asks. “When all around me want me to have it? Say no? And be discarded by everyone? I don’t think so.”

“You’ve sold your soul. You’re a monster.”

Edmund doesn’t answer. 

“Your family hates people like me, don’t they?” you ask. “What if I tell your father that you’re having me here? That his pureblood son is killing for a mudblood?”

“You wouldn’t fucking dare. In that case, he kills both of us, smartass.”

“I want Hedwig.”

“I don’t think you do, sweetheart.”

“Why?”

“Because she’s in on it too.” Edmund smiles. “Face it, darling, your parents would die sooner or later.”

It hits you that you’re an orphan now. You’re all alone. No house, no family … and apparently no friends. 

You’re allowed to return to Hogwarts a month later. Edmund brings you with him, holding you tightly by his side. 

“Y/N!” Hedwig shouts and runs over to you, hugging you tightly. “Sweetheart!”

You don't move. Hedwig pulls back and looks at you worriedly.

“What's wrong?” she asks.

“She knows”, Edmund says shortly.

“Oh … b-but you know that we did it for you, right? Y/N?”

“You disgust me”, you whisper. “Both of you.”

“Well, too fucking bad”, Edmund says. “You're stuck with us now. Tell anyone and I'm going to bring you back home. You want to stay here, don't you?”

You nod shortly.

“Then behave”, Edmund tells you.

“You'll not have a hard time doing that”, Hedwig smiles sadly and caresses your cheek. “You're such a lovely girl.”

You want nothing more than to wake up from this bizarre nightmare. Why did they have to ruin your magical place?

[sgiandubh]

News from Birmingham, part 3: verbatim

Verbatim means 'word for word' in Latin and it is often used in French to convey the idea something is being reported exactly as it actually happened.

Absolutely not sorry for the length, nor for the lost night spent on it.

So, here go the juiciest parts using the recording I am (for those joining in later) NOT allowed to post as is. Selection is mine and mine solely - editorial line and all the rest. Once I am done, I shall add my comments. It was hard for the girls to focus on what was being said on stage and write to me in DMs, at the same time. Recording everything was a risk, but also genius. The bits I am going to post are taken exactly as I heard them:

✔️on Blonde Bambino (yes, she elaborated and I had no idea when reporting live by proxy): '(...) and it's just amazing, he's the sweetest, sweetest thing and he looooves music. And, I feel like I succeeded being a mother purely because the other day he asked me if he could invite Kate Bush to his birthday'.

✔️on borrowed things from set: she regrets not having taken some things she liked from previous seasons. 'It's been a long time since I've borrowed anything (...). Terry gave me two nightgowns made in Season 1, she gave me one that was never used. And then she promised me a lot of things (...).' Wanted to 'borrow' something from her own surgery.

✔️on her involvement with the Blankfaces fashion label-cum- homeless charity in GLA: 'oh, that is Gerry who runs that, he is a friend of my husband's and he is just this amazing person who does grassroots organizing, you know, Blankfaces he's been doing for a long time. And I just met Gerry, you know, socially, and then I thought what he was doing was amazing, and I also found the clothes amazing and so I just bought them.' Further explains what Blankfaces does, the shop, the stories, including the food kitchen, but denies a more active involvement with the project/brand. 'I was just the other day at Hozier (...),he is amazing [cooing, booing] and I'm just paraphrasing from Andrew, and Andrew said this amazing thing, which was how we all want to be part of big things, right, you know to be a part of those things that would change the world, and all of that, but it's actually the small little things you do every single day, in your community, that have the biggest impact. (...) But you can buy their stuff online.'

✔️on producing a future movie based on Book Ten: 'I would not be in those competitions with Starz.'

✔️on her resemblance with Claire (oh dear God, not that question again!): 'As a kid, I was definitely not obedient, definitely not quiet and definitely not tidy, but as an adult, I ended up being more organized than I've ever thought I would be in my life (...) shocking (...). The world has changed crazy, (...) I used to talk to people and have opinions on things, but now it feels like a cesspool (...). I miss that space for conversation.'

✔️on 'Erself and the end of Outlander: 'well Diana came to visit, I actually don't know when it was, not that long ago, she came on set, sheeee... ugh, you'd have to forgive me, it was last season, it was so long ago, I can't remember what is what and I have to remember if she wrote something last season (...). Diana, she's created this world (...), she watches everything (...). But she's also allowed us to sort of make her characters our own and she's given us her blessing to do that, which has been amazing. And she still won't tell us the ending. [Voice in public: Sam knows!] Sammy... Sam THINKS he knows.'

✔️on the public impact of OL's Season 1 and sudden fame: 'I got this job so last minute, I was living in the US and I knew it was a US series that we're gonna be filming in the UK. And I read the first book so I was like, OMG sounds like an amazing show to film. But then I went from being cast to being in Scotland in one week. And then you're just like, you're working for 85, 90 hours a week. I didn't know who I was, where I was, what was going on. (...) and we went to Comic Con (...), I mean that whole year was a blur, an amazing blur, but a blur.' Had no expectations about what the show would become, it's now broadcast in 87 countries, 'it's insane, it's amazing'. Being able to be successful after 10 years is 'amazing'.

✔️on what she will miss most about Scotland or is she planning to stay in Scotland after OL is over: 'that's the million dollars question, I don't know. I mean, I think I'll... my husband is Scottish, so I think we'll always have something there, his parents both live there, so you know, we're not never going to be there at some point, but I don't know what is gonna happen after, but I am very, I feel, yeah, I feel like it's gonna be so sad not to... you know for 11 years, no matter like if we're gonna back in the United States or to London for a while we've always known we'd be back to Scotland at some point and be there for 10 or 11 months and so now I don't know, I don't know what the future holds, so....'

✔️on her and Tony sharing the same musical tastes: ' do Sam and I share the same music [Steve immediately BARKS: 'no, Tony, your real husband!'] Tony? Yes. Sam - no.'

✔️Sam's whisky or Graham's bourbon? 'Sam's whisky. I haven't tasted the bourbon, but bourbon is too sweet'.

✔️speaking about Steve - 'he's so mean'. In jest (?).

✔️her favorite part of making her own gin: 'tasting (...), trusting your senses'. The distillery changed, from the first to the second batch - the product's taste changed, a learning curve. They wanted to make sure it's still the same product.

✔️on regretting she did not start acting ten years earlier - mentioned not being ready for the responsibility of shooting 14, 16 hours a day, no sick days, etc: 'it's like a beast'. She felt OL came at the right time, was 'prepared and ready to be there' and eager to be given 'a shot (...): whatever you throw at me, I'll do it'. 'And I think for Sam was the same.'

✔️on memorable OL sets/places: Craigh Na Dun stones. 'The new place where we are, really cool. (....) Amazing stately homes like Hopetoun'. It's 'amazing.'

✔️on another parts in movies - she looks forward for 'good writing' and 'the character to speak' to her, in a new project, the people she will work with... Cliche AF. The Cut and The Amateur roles are 'not huge', the last she clearly said it was a small role, 'it's not my film, it's someone else's film'. She 'did not want to be working all the time, obviously with a small child'. Defined The Cut's plot as 'bizarre', and The Amateur as 'funny'. Loves her job, is happy with it.

✔️last question was asked by a French woman with a very thick accent, about traveling and learning things out of it - C. considers herself very lucky to have been able to travel all around the world as a model. Traveling taught her empathy, how to get over our very Christian centric view of the world. Mentions growing up in 'a very small village in Ireland, that was pretty much, you know, one church, one tiny school and one shop'. Her parents 'instilled a love of reading and learning'. Then she left Ireland to live in France and Japan, and traveled to Nepal. Nepal :'the trip that changed me and changed my life, because I was like seeing a completely different culture that had no correlation to anything that I grew up with, but it was the most beautiful spiritual awakening I guess I've ever had. (...) By traveling and by eating different foods and trying to speak other languages, which I try to do and I apologize to everybody because I try and speak your language, too, because I think (...) it's important to try and connect, because we expect people to come here and do that and it's so rude we don't go and do the same [ applause].' Being able to travel allows us to see how different and how similar we are'.

Ended with a huge thank you to fans, it's been so long that I wasn't attending a convention, 'but it meant the world to me to meet you all again, seen so many familiar faces, it feels so weird to be at the end of this show, because it has meant so much to me (...). Will see you all again soon.'

***

And now, for my comments and findings. Almost point by point:

Kate Bush, LOL (we'll never agree, C and I, on this one; but I can almost imagine Blonde Bambino cooing this - awww):

So, she basically repeated the same anecdote as last year, during promo. From Sade to Kate Bush, and hey, what about that birthday - 'the other day'? But let's not be nitpicky.

'Gerry' actually is Gerard McKenzie Govan, one of the three Directors and the founder of The Blankfaces CIC, a Community Interest Company (regular company with an increased social responsibility twist and, as such, heavily subsidized by the local authorities, too). More on him, here, for those who really want to know about him: https://www.glasgowwestendtoday.scot/magazine/the-man-behind-the-blankfaces-1391/. But that is not the most juicy part, actually - some blatant inconsistencies are. Like 'Gerry' being a friend of Nameless Husband's, but still she met him socially (huh? I thought he was a friend of Nameless Husband, hence a family acquaintance?). Also, C doesn't know shite about The Blankfaces, but still bravely fills in those blanks, like when she tells us fans Gerry has been doing Blankfaces 'for a long time'. The UK competent public authority, Companies House, says something very different and I can prove that the CIC was registered in 2018. Which is not really a long time at all:

'March 6, 2018 - Incorporation of a Community Interest Company' - see above. It also doesn't seem to be very well managed, at all:

Both its yearly accounts and its confirmation statement are long overdue (since 2023, in fact). The CIC is, actually, subject of an 'active proposal to strike off', which means it will be closed/dissolved, and rather sooner than later:

In their case, I suspect a compulsory strike-off, issued by the Companies House register. Fits with the legal criteria:

In a nutshell: because The Blankfaces failed to file its annual accounts and confirmation statement AND because it did not answer to the Companies House's two kind reminder letters, it will be forcibly dissolved in less than two months from now and there is NO going back on that decision, according to UK law.

Wouldn't C know about her Nameless Husband's Friend huge problems? I mean, how more tone-deaf and disconnected can you be, promoting a clinically dead business and inviting people to buy their clothes from their online shop?

Unless... Yeah, unless - but oooh, stupid shippers, slap a shipper, etc.

[Source: Moore and Stoke, an insolvency practitioners' firm based in Stoke-on Trent, UK - simply because they had the simplest and most recent legal explanation, see here: https://www.moorestoke.co.uk/active-proposal-to-strike-off/].

Compared to that, the fact that Tracula was nowhere to be seen at the recent Andrew Hozier-Byrne's concert in GLA is really peanuts. This is serious, legal stuff and please don't give me the 'she's an artist, she doesn't know shit about business' lame excuse. She is also a businesswoman, with her own spirits brand and several other companies, at least in the UK, Ireland and the US. Give me a break, #IYKYK.

Can't wait to be done with OL. Even the thought of a future movie based on Book Ten makes her cringe. Felt it in her voice and it was enough.

World feels like a cesspool? Why on Earth? She is a beautiful, successful and accomplished woman, with her own family and free from want. A cesspool is a very strong and strange word, in this apparent context. Unless.. but yeah, stupid shipper, slap a shipper. Missing conversations, expressing her opinion.... Not even LOL. It made me feel sad. Everything that happened to them since 2016 must be such a burden.

Sammy. SAMMY? Whoa, girl! Merci beaucoup, vraiment. Term of endearment, anyone? Compare with the stiff dead 'my husband' - again, the difference between a teddy bear and a guillotine is transparent in her voice. Also, DG - a difficult topic for her. She doesn't like 'Erself much and I think we all know why.

You tell me about 87 countries, Ma'am. I experience it every day, from the sidelines, so I can easily imagine what the impact could be for you. OL, that blessing and that curse. Also, when she is fed up with prodding and unwilling to kiss arses, she'd quip something along the lines of 'amazing' and be done with it.

Bonnie Scotland and the Day After. Another great moment of 'what the hell ever, just say anything'. Also, Caitriona Mary is a terrible, terrible liar - just like Sam Roland, you know. Her answer came out as incoherent and borderline illogical. Look at this: ' I mean, I think I'll… my husband is Scottish' - the 'I'll' part was her spontaneous starting to answer, about herself, but then inhibition kicked in and shit, she remembered she is married and had to somehow insert Tracula and both his parents (alive, just to make sure). Also, excuse me, hellooo: 'I think we'll always have something there'. Sounds like a flat, more like a pied-��-terre, but lo and behold, she suggests life is going to be elsewhere. What about that pharaonic McMansion, we so passionately followed the painstaking refurbishment of, double glazing included and borderline scandalizing the local heritage protection NGOs in the process? That doesn't really sound like 'something there', does it? That Bear Grylls flat looked more like 'something there', so where's the catch-22, here? What if I was right about McMansion being a fixer-upper she never planned to live in (where, oh where does The Happy Couple live? ooooh, ROFLMAO)? What if I was right about some other thoughts I am not ready to discuss yet? Questions, questions. And yes, London. IYKYK and very different from the emotional, savant blur. Also, for a very organized grown-up woman (her own words, see above), not knowing what the future holds... I mean I get it, but how peculiar, isn't it? Drawing a line, that question unsettled her. She was not planning to answer. She ended with a joke on not being able to see 'that yellow thing in the sky for five months in a row'. Get me out of this question and quick.

The music tastes' question was very clearly audible, even from the back of the room and I had zero trouble to distinctly hear it - it was also asked in a posh & polite British accent, so that helped a LOT: ' do you and Tony share the same music tastes?' The Freudian slip is simply inexplicable. Also, she answered Tony, not 'my husband' : Tony+ my husband in the same phrase is something beyond her strength. But why answer about S at all, that was NOT the question? Why? There are limits to dumbfuckery, after all. Also, Steve is such a pain in the arse. Who, in your mind and heart, is the real husband, C?

Whisky vs. Bourbon, she mumbled her answer, very uneasy, had to listen three times to untangle it. The Soup Nazi had to step in and bark the answer, train station megaphone style, for everyone to hear and get the memo. Now I understand why. And you should, too.

'He's so mean'. Definitely not in jest. Steve, that is. Fire that dick. Plus, later on, she quipped to him: 'you have the reputation of being like a strict schoolmaster'. Answer: 'maybe I am'. A cara nem treme, like they say in Brazil.

In that gin question, the Stan dutifully mentioned Tony (arse kissers, ALL OF THEM) - she could have mentioned him openly, she had a boulevard in front of her. But nope, she came back to mainly mentioning her own experience and a very vague 'we'.

'And I think Sam was the same' - conversations were had early on. In Central Park, London. And then things went very fast, as it sometimes happens. Sharing takes things on a very different level. I think this is exactly what happened to them.

Memorable places: they both are very moved by Craigh Na Dun, and it's absolutely normal. And Hopetoun - LOL, hello, of course ('The Door Faces North', pun totally intended).

Next two movies: so long for her Stans' delusions she was given a main role. She wrapped deception with grace and hid behind being a mom. ALL THE ANTI BLOGS WERE EERILY SILENT ABOUT THIS. I wonder why. Actually no, I don't. But sure, shippers twist things, shippers hide things. No shame, those people.

The last question, on travel, was my favorite one. I think it was perhaps the only time she felt able to fully express what she meant and wanted to. Many will jump on that Nepal reference and it is correct, but to me, on a very personal level, it spoke in many, many other ways. This is the C I have managed to embrace, reluctantly at first (I admit) and like a LOT. This is the witty girl I thought I have lost forever in that sea of painful innuendos, stupid Stans ass-kissing and blurring everything in the process, plus a Nazi minder on top. Fire that dick. Seriously. He wanted to end on a 'funny' Kumbaya note - she subtly managed to break free. Thank you, C. Seriously. The wonder you are and completely unaware of it. And the things you can do with words, if only you'd dare play with them some more.

Her tone at the end was emotional. Very. It was the same tone as for that 'partner everyday' gala speech. Oh, the things she wanted to tell all of us. And if we only knew. But hey, she promised we will meet again, soon. Perhaps in Paris? I'll gladly speak to you. In French.

A HUGE thank you. Both of you. I love you, girls.

[greenerteacups]

random but - how do you think wandless magic works? I assume that at some point (soon?) hermione would want to learn or at least try, particularly if the teachers say some version of it is too difficult. thanks!

Oh, man. If you're talking in canon, I kind of have no idea! It's a real puzzler for me. We get a wealth of different incidents of wandless magic, but we never get a decisive statement for why you can use some wandless magic and when not.

All the examples of wandless magic we see in canon are either the intentional work of master wizards (cf. Dumbledore and Voldemort in the climax of Philosopher's Stone) or, conversely, children: Harry disappears the glass at the zoo, Tom Riddle is implied to torture other children at the orphanage, Lily makes flowers grow and makes herself float(?), all at various levels of intention. That suggests wandless magic is at some intersection of intuition and high-level magical theory. There is one exception, which is Harry's use of Lumos in Chapter 1 of Order of the Phoenix, where he lights his wand without touching it. I'm going to cautiously treat this case as an aberration, because Deathly Hallows effectively retcons the use of "wandless" wand-magic by basing several key plot points on whether or not someone wields, i.e. is physically touching, a wand. Potentially you could argue that Harry's ability to do this is an indication of him being an extremely powerful wizard on the order of Dumbledore or Voldemort, but the writing of the scene doesn't really support that interpretation, nor does the fact that it's never brought up again.

The number of children who perform wandless magic suggests a connection with emotional regulation or self-control, but at the same time, we see many points in the series where someone loses control and has no wandless magic. For instance, when Sirius dies, or when Hermione's being tortured at Malfoy Manor, we don't see Harry or Ron doing wandless magic. So you might then think the process of learning to use a wand "trains" your magic to operate through wandcraft, and you then have to "unlearn" your way back to wandless magic at very advanced stages. Or that the self-discipline you learn during a formal magical education decreases the outbursts of magic, and since wands are so useful and easy to acquire, most wizards just don't bother to learn to do magic without them.

How much Hermione would enjoy wandless magic, in my opinion, depends a lot on the tech level of the magic system. Wand-magic includes these neat little incantations and gestures that she can execute and reliably expect a result. When you get into the wishy-washy touchy-feely stuff, like Patronuses, she gets skittish and frustrated. If there was an established system for using wandless magic, she'd probably find it quite useful, but I'm not sure that such a system exists. (Perhaps that's on the transformative artist, however, to think of one.)

[vividfae]

Why I'm No Longer With The Foundation

Recently, I posted an announcement on my channel page & Bluesky account that I was no longer going to be associating with Zena & Poppy's Foundation Server, effective immediately.

Initially, I wanted this to be left private. I view the way certain ex-members of the Foundation to have acted as utterly pointless & cruel. Whether it be through their use & weaponization of Kiwifarms, a site known for it's danger against members of the trans community, their targeted harassment of Zena, Poppy, & myself, their use of rape apologist talking points to invalidate & litigate the experiences of two people who suffered from some form of sexual assault, or their use of stigmatizing rhetoric against mental health disorders to make fun of suicidality, I find their methods to be incredibly problematic, harmful, & increasingly reckless.

Ultimately, my goal was to ensure I didn't become the exact people I have spent the last year & a half taking psychic damage from.

And after the last 6 months, I finally understand why they did it.

You see, as I have been writing & rewriting this post, both in text & in my head, I asked myself three questions:

Will this accomplish anything?

What are my motivations?

Will this cause more harm than it prevents?

Unfortunately, the answers to these questions are not answers I like. While my ultimate motivations are to provide people with the ability to make an informed decision about their online spaces, I began to realize the underlying motivation was much more sinister...

You see, throughout the final stages of my relationships & associations with Zena, Poppy, & their server, I found myself feeling betrayed, abandoned, discarded, & frankly, mistreated. As one by one the people who only a month ago reached out to me to check in on my mental health & said they would forever care about me began to distance from me or block me, pressured by Poppy & Zena into some false test of loyalty (read: compliance), I felt an immense anger bubble inside of me. Rage began to fuel a desire to force the people I once considered my closest circle to see the pain & despair they had left me in, & more importantly, to ensure they knew exactly how I was made to feel.

So while I do want to ensure people are making the best decisions they can, this is not some selfless post designed to save anyone. If the road to hell is paved with good intentions, then this post is the rage fueled machine angrily spitting those good intentions all the way down into the seventh circle. I don't like the person the last two years have turned me into, but I also cannot & will not be bullied into silence for fear of sinking to their level.

As to the answers to the other two questions, I can only once again answer in ways that I do not like. This post will not reach Zena & Poppy's audience, nor will it give them or their closest friends pause to introspect. It will not prevent any measurable harm & I suspect will only be boosted by the exact people I feel have caused the most damage to myself, my (current & former) friends, & my former lovers.

So why? Why do this? Clearly I am an abusive monster dedicated to joining the campaign against Zena & Poppy whose only goal is to hurt them like they hurt me.

Let me be clear about one thing: This is the last time I will ever publicly speak about Zena & Poppy. I have not & will never reach out to any of the aforementioned people who have been turning their grievances into some content farm. I will never be publishing anything more than the following account.

If I find out that you have contributed to these efforts, you will be banned from my community. I will not be allowing any negative talk about Zena, Poppy, or the Foundation on any of my social media platforms or in my Discord server. This is a zero tolerance policy. And I understand that this assurance will never be enough to them. I will forever, by virtue of this post, be grouped in with all of the worst of the worst, indistinguishable in their eyes to the person that plastered their home address, deadnames, and employment information online. I will not fight this characterization, because I refuse to let my image be dictated by them any longer. I know the person I am, & those that actually treat me with good faith will too.

In January 2024, I published a document going in depth into the surrounding reasons why I made a suicide attempt the previous May & the fallout of that attempt on my social circle. In March 2024 I published a video on YouTube going over that document in depth, relitigating the story & adding context that was absent. I stand by both.

My suicide attempt was entirely mishandled by my social circle at the time & had a higher than average possibility of making crucial mistakes that could have led to a much worse, more final outcome. I'm not going to go over the details again, you can watch that video if you so please, but this is not a retraction of my reflection on those events.

This is a reflection on events preceding & following that video's existence. But I haven't yet really explained the main premise I began with, why I split with the Foundation.

In April 2024, I finally got bottom surgery, something I'd desired for so long. I had an amazing experience with the hospital & surgical staff I went to, who were also the same staff that performed Poppy's gender affirming surgeries. In fact, if it weren't for Poppy & Zena recommending them to me, I might still be waiting for surgery, as Indiana is woefully lacking in access to gender affirming surgery & wait times are high. I stayed with Zena & Poppy the night before the surgery. They assisted me with surgical prep, Zena took me to the hospital & waited with my family as they wheeled me back, & the two visited me in recovery several times, spending time with me to ensure I wasn't alone & giving my family space to rest.

When I was discharged, they visited me on my birthday at the place I was staying a week later, & when I was finally able to handle the drive I visited them. It was honestly really special. While I missed them & it was hard being so close but not being able to see them more frequently, I knew that they were there & they messaged me every day to make sure I knew they were thinking of me. Eventually I went home for a few weeks as I healed, & the distance was hard but they were still there.

In June I stayed at their place as I went in for facial feminization surgery through the same hospital. My mom & sister got me there and the night I stayed in the hospital, Poppy stayed overnight to make sure I didn't wake up alone, as she had after her same surgery. She'd had a really bad reaction to the anesthesia & waking up alone sent her into a crisis, something she was extremely afraid would happen to me. It was a really sweet gesture, & hearing her voice as I woke from the drug induced sleep made me feel safe & cared for. She kissed me as soon as I was conscious & even though she left not long after as she still had clients to see, I felt so secure & like I knew the time alone would be okay. I would be okay.

Around this time I met Audrey, my current girlfriend. Audrey had shared a really thoughtful post detailing why she was supportive of Zena, Poppy, & I. It was concise & heartfelt, & I really appreciated the sentiment. I reached out to her in DMs to thank her for the support, & eventually we began just talking. In the middle of June I returned home. Zena & Poppy both began reaching out less, but they were dealing with the process of moving, which takes a lot of time. I got back to work, began returning to normal day to day life, & by the end of July Audrey & I were speaking daily, & Zena & Poppy & I were having much less communication, but again, all during a move, chronic illness flare-ups, & Poppy's workload increasing.

In September I visited Zena & Poppy, taking a week of vacation from work, with the plan to do something for Zena's birthday as I had not been able to see them IRL in August as I had been able to spend time with them & Poppy on Poppy's birthday in June. Unfortunately, that week the weather made it difficult for us to do much of anything. It was too cloudy, rainy, & cold to really do anything of interest outside, & the weather left all of us suffering from migraines every day. That week, at least 2 of the 3 of us were completely non functioning due to a migraine at some point throughout the week. For myself, it was nearly 5 of the 7 days.

A few weeks would go by & I'd visit again for another follow up appointment with my surgeons. Poppy was much more distant this time around, & we tried to make the most of the time together but she had little time outside of working. The day that I left their place would be the last time I would hear from Poppy in an individual one on one capacity until her final text message to me a few weeks ago.

By mid November, the distance between us, physical & emotional, was readily apparent.

I reached out when I could, tried to initiate contact, but it was not uncommon to go days at a time without so much as a response from them. A rift formed, half based around my own BPD fueled insecurity & half based around the genuine feeling that something wasn't working. I asked for a conversation with them, to try & work through things, but conflicts & lack of time prevented us. Between all of our chronic health issues, my full time job, & Poppy's full time job, no one was capable of making time for us.

The week of Thanksgiving, the conversation finally happened, initiated by Zena. It was incredibly messy & none of us were open to listening to each other. We were so focused on justifying our own behavior or lack of emotional availability that we had no space to hear anything the other was saying. Moreover, our justifications were self defeating & rigid, with no flexibility to even try with each other. Poppy, & one of her alters, lashed out at me. I lashed out at her. Zena tried to calm us both down but ultimately became frustrated with the situation entirely.

Eventually it hit me that nothing was working.

"This isn't going to work," I said. "Nothing is working, I don't know what to do to fix this." Zena asked what I meant by this. "None of this is fucking working." My voice was louder this time, not quite yelling but definitely above normal volume. There was a mixture of grief & desperation there.

"I need a break." Zena then asked for clarification on what I meant. I said, "I need a break. From this, from all of it. From the relationship, from this conversation, from everything. I can't do this anymore, it isn't working." Everything went quiet.

"A break is fine," Poppy says after a few seconds of silence.

Immediately the tone shifts in a way that is still difficult to describe. Not exactly in a positive way, or a negative way, but certainly not in a neutral way either. Zena agrees that a break is best, & reaffirms that they still want me to be around them. That the relationship status changing doesn't negate their care for me. They expressed a desire for me to still visit them in a couple of weeks when my next follow-up appointment was scheduled, though I said that I didn't know if I'd feel comfortable because I might still be hurting.

The conversation winds down, we exit the call, & I spend the rest of the night in tears.

About a week or so later, after remaining numb for a couple days, grieving for a few more, and a very tough therapy session, I decided to speak with Audrey about the elephant in the room.

We had a very long conversation that night. About how we felt about each other. About the breakup. About our worries with the possibility of a relationship. Her concerns for my mental well-being. My concerns that I was using her to simply rebound. So many topics were touched upon that night. Ultimately our relationship came upon as a mutual agreement. We would try, in spite of my fears of the distance & of me recreating the patterns a codependent relationship she'd recently gotten out of, we would try. The conversation then turned more specific. We discussed our needs, asked for certain things from the other, & established some pretty clear boundaries & definitions on what poly meant for us. She was up front about a person with whom she was flirting with & was unclear about the possibility of a relationship with. It was... A breath of fresh air to be honest.

Given all of this, what I want to say is that the reason things ended is because of our lack of emotional availability to each other & our incompatibility with each other's needs. But that wouldn't be fully true. It's part of the reason, it was the main catalyst. But it isn't the reason.

In May of 2023 I attempted to take my own life. As I mentioned previously, I went over why in a previous post & YouTube video. The details of that are less important than the timing (with one exception, we'll get to it).

About a month prior to this, Poppy & Zena began dating this woman, Hela. Hela had been a viewer of their channel for a long time, claiming to have been subscribed since before 100 subscribers. She was a patron on their Patreon, & came into the inner circle from having been an active commenter & financial supporter of their streams. Hela had been in the inner circle for months up to this point, & had been incredibly flirtatious with Poppy & Zena from the get go. This is not unusual, as people can have flirtatious personalities without necessarily being interested in a relationship. However, when Poppy & Zena began dating Hela, this was something that I was unaware of. I was not made aware of the breadth of their interest in her, I was not made aware of their intentions to fly her out to their place, & I did not find out that the three dating was something that was on the table until after the fact, & I didn't even directly hear it from them, but due to an off handed comment made in a voice call by one of them.

This obviously sent me spiraling & I got angry, feeling as though I hadn't been communicated with well enough. Which I hadn't. This spun into an argument that in retrospect never really got resolved, only buried, as two weeks later Zena would break up with me, & about two weeks after that I would attempt suicide & go into the hospital.

During these events, Poppy had been flirting with Milena, a woman who joined the server in early 2023 as a viewer & patron, who later volunteered to do video editing for them. To my knowledge, the flirting had been going on for a couple of months by the time the events with Hela occurred. I was also unaware of this until after Poppy began dating Milena, something that was also communicated with me indirectly, right around the week of my attempt.

While I was in the hospital, Hela was flown to their place. When Zena & Poppy called me, I could hear her in the background, & I think she may have sent me well wishes directly once. I suppressed the intense boiling jealousy & reactions I was feeling. There was something inherently weird about calling your psych ward inpatient girlfriend while your other partner whose relationship had previously created conflict with was just... there. Like, reasonably, I know that there's no other way this could have played out. The tickets were bought a month prior. It isn't like they could just pretend she wasn't there. But the intrusive thoughts kept swirling around. I'm fairly certain the intense reactions I had after getting off the phone led to me being kept an extra day out of caution. My mood swings, reclusiveness, & dissociative state led the staff there to keep a watch on me much more closely after every call with them.

I never told anyone this because I was embarrassed. I'm poly. This is normal, right? I'm being unreasonable. I need to let it go.

A bit after I got out of the hospital, Poppy's relationship with Milena exploded. She began dating a woman who went by Windlebee online not long after this. I found this out through Twitter. I stayed silent this time. It wasn't worth it. Last time I reacted to the lack of communication, it ended up with me being broken up with & fighting heavily over it, & I was still traumatized from the attempt & everything around it, so I swallowed up all of it & ignored it. This is just how poly is.

Not long after, I visited to help Zena & Poppy while Poppy was in the hospital for bottom surgery. I helped with house chores, feeding & walking the dog, being there to help when Zena was non functional due to chronic illnesses, & visiting Poppy while she recovered. It was around this time that Milena published her first twitter thread, & Hela broke up with the two of them.

About a month or so later, I was asked on a date by a guy I had been chatting with. We had been talking off and on for a while, he was attractive & acted pretty sweet, & I wasn't sure how I felt about him so I figured a date wouldn't hurt. If I didn't really feel anything, I could simply just tell him this, hopefully no hard feelings, right?

I'd mentioned him to Poppy & Zena a few weeks before when I was visiting them. Told them that he was talking to me & we had been flirting but that I wasn't sure what I was going to do with the situation. They seemed ambivalent at the time, so I didn't think anything of it.

Admittedly, I did not communicate the existence of the date to them. They found out through a mutual friend because of an off handed comment. This was my mistake, & so when an argument came of this event, I was willing to apologize for the lack in communication. What surprised me though, is that this was not the main concerns that were had.

You see, the guy had been a viewer of mine for a while, & had supported my Patreon for a few months. It was happenstance that we began interacting as he wasn't hugely vocal in my stream chat, but we got to know each other afterwards anyway.

This was problem number one.

Dating viewers was an abuse of power and exposed me & by proxy them to potentially highly parasocial behavior, they explained. And since he'd been in the server, it was a conflict of interest, they continued. How could I be so reckless & stupid?

What's more, dating a cis man? "I can't believe you would do this, let alone for a cis man," Poppy said to me, tears welling as she said it. I had never seen her so angry, & her voice rose the more she spoke. This was problem number two.

Problem number three was that he was a patron of mine. It was a huge indication of parasociality & I should have known better.

Now, as it turned out, the guy did display a lot of weird parasocial traits that I had overlooked. There were also some other things about him that I couldn't reconcile with that I won't put here, but this conflict, however hurt I initially felt from Poppy's words, did prevent me from making a mistake. I should be grateful.

It would be a few weeks later that I would visit Poppy & Zena again for a week. I hadn't even been at their place for long when I was informed that Poppy was going to be going on a date with some woman named Hayleigh. This had apparently already been scheduled & she had been talking with her for a while, & this was the first I was hearing of it. I was livid, but what was I to do? I'm sitting in her bed on the first night of a trip to visit her & Zena so we could spend time with each other as partners, & I'm told 'oh btw I got a date tonight with this girl I've been talking to for a while, be back in a few hours.' I could have started an argument, & I very nearly did. But I suppressed it. I'm fucking poly, this is how it works, remember?

Not long after, Poppy informed me of a person she'd met online that lived near them, we'll call her Katherine (a previous version of this post named her bc I was under the false impression her name had been included in other documents, and therefore was publicly associated. I was wrong and so while I cannot undo the effect of including her name, I will be removing it for the future for privacy reasons). They were friends & Poppy was helping get her in to the same surgeon who did our surgeries. As far as was communicated, the most was that i needed to know she existed because there was some attraction she felt but there wasn't any active plans to pursue that.

A couple weeks later, I was visiting the two again & while we were getting ready to go to an appointment I had, I overheard from the other room a comment by Poppy that the two of them needed to "clean up the toys from where we played with [Kathrine] the other night."

What?

I was furious. Not only had the breadth of interest not been informed but I had no idea that Zena was interested in this person at all, only that Poppy had expressed some attraction. Intimacy was never ever put on the table, what the fuck do you mean you played with Katherine? I blew up at them in a way I hadn't expressed anger in years. I'm not proud of it at all, but I was going on pure reactive energy at that point, there was no active reasoning left.

I left their place to go to my appointment alone. They left to visit someone while I was out, & were still gone when I got back. I laid on their bed, shaking in anger & fear of being replaced. When they got back, they scolded me for reacting the way that I did & reaffirmed that this is just how poly works & I needed to stop letting jealousy guide my reactions. Maybe they were right. I mean, if you're attracted to someone & going to be in a relationship with them, intimacy is part of relationships. How could I be so stupid?

Fast forward to April of 2024. By this point Hayleigh, Katherine, & Windlebee have all come & gone. I was about two weeks out from bottom surgery. I was in a voice chat with a few friends & Zena, & Poppy suddenly appears.

"Who has two thumbs & just got her pussy ate? This gal," she says within seconds of joining. I feel a circuit short in my head. She did not just say that. We'd already talked about not sharing intimate details of her sex life around me, as it caused intrusive thoughts to pop up. She knew better as this is literally a boundary of hers as well. I DM'd her reminding her of this & noting that I don't appreciate her sharing this stuff, as even if I am dating Zena as well, their sex life is theirs when it doesn't involve me, & it still hits the same triggers. I note that if this was just a joke however, I'd let it slide since a joke is a joke even if I was still uncomfortable.

This is where I learn that it wasn't a joke, & it wasn't about Zena.

I will not identify the name of this person as they were never online, we will just call them Katie.

I learn in this interaction that Poppy had been on a date with Katie, a person that I was just now learning even existed, & that the two of them had in fact had sex on this date. Poppy had been on one date with Katie previously & specifically chose not to tell me because she didn't know how she felt about them & wasn't sure if she needed to tell me given that. She did, however, know how she felt after the first date & told me that she knew going into the second that it was always planned to be a sexual one. She was afraid to tell me because she was afraid I would be hurt.

So instead of communicating with me, you cheated on me instead? All because you were afraid that I, a person with Borderline Personality Disorder, a disorder characterized by intense emotional reactions & attachment issues, might have an intense reaction to the knowledge of another partner? Of course I would have had an intense reaction. I'd get over it after like an hour, as I did with every other fucking partner.

She apologized profusely to me. She never made excuses. She promised she would be much more open about communicating in the future, especially if sex was ever on the table. I forgave her. I never forgot, but I chose to forgive her, as I was sympathetic to the position she was in as someone who also suffers from Borderline, & because she did apologize & I knew from previous moments that she was capable & willing to change behavior when it was brought up to her.

Katie would break up with Poppy not long after this, for really stupid reasons, but nonetheless it is worth noting.

At the beginning of August last year, Audrey asked me on a date. I accepted, as I didn't know fully how I felt about her, & a date wouldn't hurt. If I figured out more from it, then I would reassess & talk to Zena & Poppy before making any commitments.

The date went really well. They are incredibly sweet & funny & in getting to know them better, I found out we had a lot in common. I still didn't fully know how I felt about her, but I knew there were feelings there that were far more than just friendship.

Now, I should have communicated the date to them from the start. At this point, all of us were making the same stupid mistakes over & over again & refusing to draw lines.

Poppy & Zena found out about the date from an off handed comment by a mutual friend, & this caused a blowout fight. I regret not communicating, & I apologized for it. But that didn't matter.

I ruined Zena's birthday because of this. We were going to be doing a watch party of a movie that Zena wanted to watch as a late birthday event, & it was as I was waiting on them to show up to do so that this fight began.

How could I be so stupid? Dating a person who was on the server was a conflict of interest. Audrey was a viewer of both of our content, so she was clearly acting parasocial. Not to mention that since she was in the inner circle, it changed the dynamic & removed the ability for me to control the environment by which partners might meet, which very clearly made the relationship problematic.

Of course, there was no relationship. I even told Audrey a couple of weeks later that I couldn't date her because of the distance between us & I still didn't fully understand all of my feelings. I could tell that she was hurt by this, but she took it with such grace & continued to be my friend even afterward.

In the aftermath of this argument with Zena & Poppy, I spiraled hard. I was convinced things were over. I was suicidal, & upon learning this, Audrey reached out to Zena & Poppy to give them the information so they could ensure I was safe.

Zena snapped at them for doing this. Telling Audrey that they were not my keeper & not responsible for my mental state & could not be expected to be the only thing preventing me from hurting myself. On top of also accusing Audrey of only pretending to care about me in this way because she wanted to date me.

Pepper directly told Audrey that the reason why Poppy lashed out so hard was because she had a crush on Audrey & had been trying to pursue her, & Audrey falling for me instead of her made Poppy feel rejected & hurt.

Luckily, my friend Ghost was able to reach out to my parents to ensure I was safe, but the entire interaction left a bad taste in Audrey's mouth. She, however, did not tell me these things right away, as she did not want to potentially make the crisis worse nor did she want to be seen as trying to meddle in my relationships. Instead, she just sat back & supported me, being there as a friend to all of us, & letting things start to repair.

At the September visit, I directly told Poppy & Zena that I had no active plans to pursue Audrey romantically, as I was concerned about distance & wasn't sure of the strength of my own feelings, but I did note that I did have feelings for her. I would relay this to Audrey after arriving home from that trip.

For a while after, Audrey began to distance from me. As she did, I began to distance from her as well, as I felt abandoned & guilty for treating her like shit throughout this entire situation.

There was another crisis that ended up reconnecting us, & it was through that when I began to realize how strong my feelings were becoming.

As I was deliberating on informing Zena & Poppy, Poppy informed me of her intentions to fly out her friend in January 2025, where they were going to do a test run on a relationship. This didn't set right with me, as I had only learned of this person's existence recently, & then was told that the trip had already been planned before I knew of them, & I admittedly reacted pretty harshly to this information. During this conversation, I did inform them of my feelings for Audrey, stating that I didn't know what I wanted to do about them, which was accurate to how I felt.

I shouldn't have informed them during an argument, that was a mistake on my part. My anger, however I still feel was warranted. At this point, it is about a week & a half before the breakup.

A newly formed alter of mine left the foundation after this argument happened, & when I woke up & saw that this occurred, it was my choice to remain out of the server until our system had calmed her down so she wouldn't interfere again.

Around Christmas, I am told that Zena & Poppy have found out about the relationship between Audrey & I, & this is the final straw. They blow up at Audrey, accusing her of pretending to care about me "to get [her] dick wet" as well as accusing her of being sent to the Foundation by me to seek information to send to Milena, which is just fucking insane. Both of us are blocked on all platforms, & I receive a message from Poppy calling me abusive, accusing me of cheating on her, & accusing me of planning to doxx her.

A week later, Zena & Poppy forced Ghost to make a choice between being in my channel discord server or being a mod in the Foundation. When Ghost decided the logical solution to this was to just stop being a mod to ease the conflict, the two forced a loyalty test onto them & forced them to choose between my server or their friendship. This caused conflict between Ghost, Audrey, & I, as Audrey & I felt that Ghost was capitulating to exercises of control because Zena & Poppy wanted to punish me.

Ghost & I patched this up quickly enough, & they chose to rejoin my server, telling Zena & Poppy that they are staying out of the conflict & will no longer be doing anything that takes sides in it.

In response, Zena & Poppy banned them from the server, & then commanded the same loyalty test to anyone who was close to me save for one, & so far all have passed with flying colors.

This is why I'm no longer with the Foundation.

Because I dared to express autonomy, demand equity, & be treated with dignity.

Because I spent the last year & a half defending their behavior, only to have the exact behavior weaponized against me as evidence of being an abuser, all for refusing to continue to just take it.

Because I stayed silent during all of the times that they screamed at each other so loudly you could hear them from the bottom floor of the building.

Or the times that they got physical & raised hands at or shoved each other.

Or the times I was used in arguments between them, & then treated as if I'd picked a side when I hadn't.

Or the myriad of times in which Poppy weaponized the language of her profession as a way to control any argument & invalidate everyone around her.

Or the times when Zena would scream at Poppy & I for not reading their mind & then accuse us of gaslighting them for pointing that out.

I stayed quiet. And I shouldn't have.

With this, I have said my peace.

[district4loading]

In The Morning (WLW)

Gidle Minnie!Sub x Female Reader!Dom

3K Words

Content Warning: Smut, fluff

Minors DNI

A/N: I made this request short, simple, fluffy and straight to the point. Please enjoy!!

I enjoyed writing this one because it was sooo cute. I also really liked Minnies solo song that came out a few days ago and i'm excited for the album!!!

The Request: "heyyyy not sure if ure in such stage to consider writing for gidle’s minnie but if u are, can i request soft morning sex with top fem reader"

-

You're not done with her yet though, how could you ever be? 

-

You're not a morning person.

Or at least you weren't, until you started living with her. The girl of your dreams, Nicha Yontararak—Minnie for short. Being with her has changed you in many different ways but the most notable shift has been how you've come to love the mornings. 

It wasn't some big revelation that got you there, nor was it a sudden change of heart. It was Minnie. Waking up to see her beautiful—nearly perfect—face sleeping peacefully next to you has become your most favorite thing. It was almost like a guilty pleasure of yours to just watch silently as she slept. You usually woke up early around six and normally you'd go right back to sleep because there was never any good reason to stay up. 

Now there was.

You're doing it again, watching her sleep. It's a little bit earlier, maybe five-thirty-ish and the sun's just barely peaking out above the horizon. Just enough so you can see her face clearly in the light peering through the curtains. You find yourself smiling, silently wondering how on earth you ever got so lucky. To have someone so stunning in your bed, breathing slowly and softly in her slumber. 

There's this thing you do often when mornings like these come, sometimes you reach your hand out to caress her soft cheek ever so slightly and sure not to wake her. It's cause you need to make sure she's real, that this isn't some crazy lucid dream you're living in. Which might seem silly to any ordinary person but when you admire someone this much, a lot of the things you do become a bit illogical.

This time, you let yourself get a little too carried away and you end up dragging your fingertips along her jawline. In that same second you regret it because she takes a deep breath and then her eyes open. She blinks a bit, moving to wipe the sleep out of her eyes as she stretches her legs "Good morning pretty girl" She says it with her hoarse morning voice and you can't control the smile that spreads across your face when you hear it.

"Good morning beautiful, go back to sleep I didn't mean to wake you" You mutter, wanting to watch her some more.

"Were you watching me sleep again?" She grins, looking at you like you're the only girl in the world, just pure adoration in her eyes along with that genuine smile of hers. 

"Maybe" You shrug "You should go back to sleep"

Minnie turns her head to look at the digital clock

Five-Fifty PM

"You know.." She mutters, getting up to straddle your hips so you're forced to go from laying on your side to laying on your back, looking up into her eyes. "You can still admire me while I'm awake" She winks, her tone suggestive. 

Before you even get the chance to tell her how cute you thought her little wink was, she leans down and connects your lips. Everything immediately goes slow motion when you feel her plump lips on yours. She kisses you slowly and thoroughly, with a sort of heated passion and no hesitation to stick her tongue in your mouth.

You don't mind it at all, you could make out with Minnie forever. She hums softly, cupping both of your cheeks with her slender hands, fingers pressing deeply into your skin. "I love you" You pant, when she pulls away.

"I love you more, baby" She leaves a peck on your lips before she sits up. You hadn't even noticed that your hands had gravitated to her waist until you saw that she was pulling her tank top off.

"Babe, it's five in the morning" You nod your head to the clock as her top falls somewhere to the side of the bed. 

Her breasts come free and you can't help but stare at how perfect they look in the warm sunlight. "Six" She corrects, tugging at your t-shirt. You smirk, then you lift yourself up to take it off and you're only left in your bra and a pair of shorts. 

You sit up, positioning Minnie perfectly in your lap "Morning sex it is then" You mutter, pecking her lips, then her cheek and all the way to her jawline. You litter your kisses everywhere, slowly down to her neck where you leave a few red marks. She moans softly, and it's like music to your ears, something only you have the privilege of hearing.

When you make it to her collarbone, your left hand comes up to massage her right breast, you cup and massage the soft flesh because it fits so perfectly in your hand. "Babe" She whines when you dip your head down to take her left nipple between your lips. You spend some time there just worshipping her perfect tits. You hum, letting your tongue circle around her areola, then you flick it over the sensitive bud once then twice. "Please"

"Please what princess?" You don't just call her that, you genuinely believe it. Maybe in some other life or in an alternate universe she's royalty and somehow by the grace of God in this life you managed to pull her. 

Your hand slides down her shorts and underneath her panties, like you expected, she's soaked. "Just—Yes!" She moans and you didn't even do much, you really only put a little pressure and her hips are already bucking into yours. 

"Help me get these off" You mutter softly as you pull on her bottoms because you need her flawless body fully naked for you. She nods when you slip your other hand out of her shorts and she shuffles a bit to get them off. When she's ready, she sits back down on your lap and she hovers a bit. You slide your hand down her silky smooth waist and between her legs to palm her cunt. "What do you want?"

The question slips off your tongue so gently as you kiss along her shoulders. You breathe in and out audibly, taking in her delightful natural scent. "Ah—fuck" She whimpers, hips jutting forwards when you slowly rub your hand in circles. You do it on purpose so you can hear her struggling as she begs you to do something to her. "I want... I want your fingers inside... pl-please" 

You lick over the now purple marks on Minnie's neck "I think I wanna watch you ride my fingers, darling" You sigh, sliding two fingers up and down her drenched slit. "You'll do that for me, yeah?"

She nods frantically, hips moving on their own as you tease her. It doesn't last long though, because you slip the two fingers in so easy into her tight, wet warmth and she doesn't waste time to get them as deep as they can go when she closes the gap. There's a pleasureful sigh that escapes her lips when she feels the stretch of your digits and you pull your head back so you can watch the full show. "Go ahead princess, show me" You encourage. 

Minnie has to first get a good grip on your shoulders, then she rolls her hips forwards and a choked moan escapes her lips. "Fuck" she curses, then she continues, getting herself in a good rhythm. You watch almost in awe as she tries her best to get off on your fingers. Her petite breasts bounce with each movement of her hips, you watch in real time as she begins to break a sweat, her skin becoming sleek as it shines in the sunlight.

The view is just perfect, you can only hold her waist with your free hand lightly, not guiding her because she knows what she's doing. Her facial expressions are the best, the way her brows furrow, how she goes from letting her mouth hang open to biting her bottom lip as a way to try and control every sweet sound that escapes her lips. "You're doing so well baby" You just watch, almost mesmerized as you stare into each others eyes. "So fucking pretty.." You're almost at a loss for any other words.

You can hear it now, how wet you have her on each drag up and down. It's a little quieter than her moans and whimpers so you reach your hand up, finger over her mouth "Shh, listen" She holds in whatever she's able to and you can hear it clearer now "You hear how wet you are for me babe?" You ask, she only nods her head, unable to say any other words because it feels too good.

She starts clenching because she gets off on that, hearing the sounds of her own arousal and how sloppy you've got her. You end up moving your finger from her lips and you just stare into her begging eyes. "So beautiful.. I love you"

"I- I love you too" She says before leaning into your body. You allow her to bury her face into your neck, her legs nearly trembling with each roll of her hips "I-It feels sooo good" She moans, her eyes clamping shut.

"I know baby" You assure, rubbing her back in slow circles, "Such a good girl for me, you deserve everything" You kiss her shoulder, tasting the sweat she's built up there. 

"I'm close" She whimpers and you begin to help her, fucking your fingers into her throbbing cunt to meet her hips. She keeps moving, her hips fast and her moans going higher and higher in pitch. She's right there "Please... can I?" She asks you as if you could ever tell her no when she's been so good for you and she's whimpering in your ear with that pretty voice of hers.

"Cum whenever you want" You nod, then almost immediately a strangled moan forces it's way through her throat then she goes silent. You keep fucking her as her hips begin to move messily in their own way, stuttering and stopping back and forth. "There you go" You grunt, feeling your arm begin to burn as she begins to choke on her own words. Then she begins moaning again, so beautifully as she works through her orgasm.

"Thank you" She pants, swallowing thickly as she allows her bodyweight to rest on you. You slip your fingers out of her cunt, then you hold her running your other hand through her damp hair.

You're not done with her yet though, how could you ever be? 

When she's caught her breath, you turn her over so she's on her back, looking up at you with her tired eyes. She hums as you get yourself between her legs "You did such a good job, babe" You kiss her lips, but this time she struggles with kissing back. You don't mind it though, you only move to her neck "Need to taste you" You mutter, shuffling your way down so that your head is between her legs.

"Yes please" She bites her lip, then she props herself up on her elbows to make eye-contact. She's staring at you like she wants it so bad and she doesn't even need to tell you because you know how to read her.

You know her

When you're face to face with it, you hold back your urge to just go for it right then and there. First you wrap your hands around each of her thighs. They're so plump and perfect. You squeeze, letting your fingers press against her warm flesh. Minnie whimpers, carefully following you with her eyes. 

You keep the eye contact, slowly moving your head to the left, attaching your mouth to her inner thigh. First you lick it, then you kiss it and you begin sucking and biting on the supple flesh. You end up leaving more marks scattered there before you move on to the next thigh but it's more than just teasing to you. When you leave all these wonderful blemishes on her body, it's like you're leaving a reminder. Every time she sees herself in the mirror, she'll see those wonderful red and purple marks and she'll think about you and the way you made her feel.

After spending so much time leaving hickeys on Minnie's body, she's just about ready for you to get started. She's stayed silent this whole time though, allowing you to have your way as she waits patiently for you to get to where she wants you the most. You note that her eyes are glossed over and it's telling that she needs you so badly that she can't even put it into words.

So when you stick your tongue out and you flatten it on her clit she gasps, then chokes "Thank you" A meek whimper follows her surprise. "Thank you, Thank you, Thank you, Thank you, Thank you" She repeats over again in a small whisper because she's so grateful to finally have your mouth where she's needed it for the past few minutes. 

You hum in response, sending vibrations through her body as you start lapping up all the wetness on her cunt. The taste is pungent, a perfect balance of sweet and salty and you've become almost addicted to it by now. Her hips squirm cause maybe she's a little too sensitive for this right now but you hold her down, shoving your face deeper as you lick her up. "Fuck babyyy" She whines, dragging out the last word "So good" She throws her head back a moment allowing you to see the perfect curve of her neck, littered with the marks you left earlier.

Minnie's a complete mess right now, hair messy, body all flushed and sweaty while her face contorts several different ways with each damning flick of your tongue. "God" She almost groans, biting her own tongue when you take her swollen clit in between your lips. You start sucking, putting your jaw to good use as she blabs praises of how good you're doing.

"I fucking love you" Her back arches, then falls in the same instance. So sensitive—you think to yourself bringing your fingers up to slip them inside of her without warning. "Fuck!" She moans, legs threatening to shut when she feels the familiar stretch of your slender fingers curling so deep inside of her. "Come here!" She pleads, moans becoming louder and more frantic.

You pull your mouth off of her, fingers still buried in her cunt as you move up to latch your lips onto hers. She pulls your body onto yours and she kisses you deeply, eyes closed as you take her to cloud nine "I... love... you" You murmur onto her lips as you pound your fingers into her. She's close already and you're more than ready to take her over the edge.

Minnie breaks the kiss "Baby.. I-I'm" She warns.

"Yeah, cum for me again babe" You nod, then a loud almost scream-like moan tears through her lips.

"Oh my god!" She cries, most likely disturbing the neighbors on this eventful morning. You could really care less though because you're doing what you were made to do. Your duty in life, its never been so clear—to satisfy this perfect woman under you. To make her happier than ever, to make her scream your name as she cums for you over and over again. No doubt she'll do it again tomorrow, and the day after that.

(and the day after that, and the day after that, and the day after that, until there aren't any more days left)

She wraps her arms tightly around you as you slow your fingers to a stop. You slip them out, then you bring them to her lips. Her eyes are shut because she's in this state of utter bliss but she still parts those perfect lips of hers to take your digits into her mouth. Her tongue licks off every bit of slick it was coated in. Then you pull them out and you kiss her lips. "Good morning to me" She mutters with a deep breath.

"Maybe we should go back to sleep, I don't wanna move" She whines the last part, holding you close to her when she feels you about to move 

"Yeah, we can start the day later... maybe at two" You yawn

Minnie giggles "Not that late"

"Come on, you know i'm not a morning person"

[alevicke]

This is such a weird request but here it is!!

The reader has either disappeared or has been withdrawn for a whirl and nothing that the cast (I.E. Caine, Kinger, Gangle, Zooble, Ragatha, Jan and Pomni) could get them out. Them and the reader being in a romantic relationship also reaction to the reader coming out after what was a while, tired and injured with a baby that had their features.

So basically the reader somehow got pregnant and refuses to let anyone know about the baby in fear they’ll be treated differently or have it taken away or the cast just outright denying responsibility or refusing to take care of the baby.

Sorry for such a long and weird and confusing message, don’t force yourself to do if you don’t want to!!!

Ah this is going to be hard to write! Mostly because it’s going to be all angst to be honest. I doubt anyone would be happy about their partner suddenly going missing and hiding something so important! Due to my roleplay with a friend I’ve thought about similar things every now and then tho so I have some ideas (Parentship is something I love to think and roleplay because everyone is so different in all stages of it <3) 

I feel like Jax, if he has a relationship, loves the person a lot and goes through the pregnancy with his partner would be hella sweet. Still having the urge to run away, but so different from the request. Might write my headcanons of Jax someday...? And Ragatha and Caine would look so adorable... Everyone would be to be honest ;; I need fluff after this angst help

TADC X READER WHO RAN AWAY AND SUDDENLY APPEARS WITH THEIR BABY

Characters: Caine, Ragatha and Jax

TW: ANGST!!! There is no sweetness nor fluff here ;; Pregnancy mentioned. Huh, having problems to accept the child? Also no beta read, I think that's the word. Sorry I'm Spanish and have no one who can proof read my writings ;;

I’m awful writing TWs so PLEASE, if someone knows if I should write something else let me know! MY MASTERLIST 

Caine:

This guy is not pleased when you first disappear. The first few hours he thinks you just need some alone time or perhaps you just don’t feel like being with absolutely anyone so he doesn’t try looking for you too much

But as time and the day passes and you don’t appear he starts to worry a bit more. His vigilant eyes haven’t seen you around either so he starts questioning the others receiving nothing but shrugs. No one knew where you were and some didn’t even care too much (mostly Jax and Zooble who were just annoyed by Caine continuously asking

As days passed Caine passed from worry to complete stress and panic as he kept looking absolutely everywhere for you, even the cellar with abstracted old characters! But you were nowhere to be found. Adventures were now a past thing as Caine passed his days looking for you

But as months passed, he truly came to the conclusion that you, somehow, escaped. It was way more hurtful to think that you, as lover, left him behind. That despite your whole relationship, you decided to escape

And it took him quite a lot of time to try to cheer himself up. Most of the crew realized that he was faking his enthusiasm and happiness

That was until you appeared back again with someone in your arms though…

Caine ran into your arms as soon as he saw you, he was FRENETIC! YOU WERE BACK!!

“God I missed you so much!!! I thought you escaped! Where have you been? Are you safe? Are you ok? I swear to god I looked EVERYWHERE! Believe me, my eyes have seen things that should have never seen looking for you!!!!” You tried to calm him down while slowly showing what was in your arms covered in a soft blanket. A baby, extremely similar to Caine…

His jaw dropped, literally. But he quickly picked it up. It was obvious he was the father… But he truly didn’t think that was possible. He didn’t look so much into the code to know all the possibilities but now looking back perhaps he should have taken a peek at those keeping in mind it was his job.

He didn’t even know how to reply. For one moment, he stretched his arm to the baby to touch it but he didn’t dare to do it. He had so many emotions at the same time. Was he even human? AI? An NPC? No, they couldn’t be an NPC, he had no control nor knew about them until now… 

You try to explain your reasons to disappear but to be honest he seems to not be listening to you most of the time, he is way more focused on the baby. He couldn’t believe he created it despite him creating a whole digital world. That baby was different.

The next few days were a bit hard with Caine. He accepted the baby and was with them the whole time in arms, but when it came to your relationship he felt quite hurt. He had problems trusting you but he was open to fixing everything and retrying the relationship. After all, he still loved you. But the fear of you going missing again was really big

Ragatha

Much like Caine, at first, she thought you needed time or space. It took her even longer to start looking for you because she really likes respecting space and has no problem if you have other things to do or other people to be with. She can be on her own and not bother you. She’s not nearly as clingy as Caine is. 

But night came and you didn’t appear. It was weird, you usually sleep together…

She tried looking for you in your room. But you weren’t there either… That honestly started to worry her but she tried to think that perhaps you were out having fun in the amusement park or the lake and just were gonna come late or something. There was no way of communicating after all, no phone to sell a message or call so she had to trust you’d eventually come back

But the next day your side in her bed was empty. And your bed was also empty, cold… You didn’t appear all night. What’s worse, no one even saw you.

She spent the day looking for you desperately, asking for help as well to Caine, Gangle and Kinger. As her desperation grew, she asked for help to Zooble and lastly to Jax. Not even Jax dared to say anything against helping, taking in mind the situation seemed important or even critical.

But days passed and neither Ragatha nor anyone else saw you. Not even Caine could find you with her eyes which being honest was annoying for him. He liked to keep control of everything and everyone there but you escaped his sights and were no one to be found!

Ragatha’s desperation grew into sadness thinking you abandoned her there alone on her own. Some were even afraid she could abstract hearing her cry despite how badly she tried to hide it. The always smiley and outgoing doll was now always in her room wanting to be left alone. 

As months happened she started to smile again. Sure, she was sad sometimes, but she tried to accept that you left. Much like Caine she thought you found an exit to that hell and she didn’t want to guilt you for that. But she wished you took her with you.

Until you appeared again. 

Just like Caine she ran into your arms, but she stopped just inches before seeing you were hugging something so carefully that you didn’t hug her as fast as she wanted to.

You moved the fabric away to show a small baby with yarn looking like hair in a reddish tone. The baby cuddled into the blanket looking for its warm while Ragatha was looking at them, eye wide open. She didn’t have to be a genius to know she was the mother… Still, she felt insecure “Is… Is that… Are they…? We…? Had a baby…?” She had problems saying the words. But you nodded answering all her questions at the same time “He’s… Our baby Ragatha… I just didn’t know how to tell you and I was so scared… I thought running away was my best option. I was so scared you wouldn’t accept this…” You said trying to get close to her. But Ragatha stepped back

She was insecure, worried and hurt “I spent months looking for you… I thought you ran away, that you found an exit and left me completely alone… And you took away my baby knowing that I had such a motherly instinct and wished I could be a mother… I want to see our kid. But I need time about us. To think about what's going to happen…”

Next days, Ragatha showed up a lot to meet the baby. She was so happy about having one! She never thought it could be possible but she was a mother! 

But things between you both weren’t the same. Ragatha didn’t feel ok being with you anymore. She didn’t trust you and couldn’t help but hold a grudge against you for doing something like that.

She didn’t want to admit it but you running away and making her miss the whole pregnancy and childbirth was extremely painful. You took away the first moments with her baby. And that was not something she could easily forgive

Getting her affection back was going to be hard. 

Jax

Quick Author Note. Hold yourself, this guy ain’t ready for this. A complete stab in his trust. And he's the kind of guy to hold a grudge…

Just like the others he doesn’t pay too much attention when you don’t appear for a few hours. But damn, after the whole day without news from you he’s starting to get kinda upset. Not with you, just that he wants attention and wants it NOW. 

He loves being your center of attention and you being gone for so long was annoying for him 

But day passes, night passes and you still don’t appear. He tries to act cool and make it seem like he’s completely ok with it. But he is internally panicking a bit. He’s looking for you anywhere and even tries asking for the others “casually” to see where you are but no one knows anything. 

He looked for you at the amusement park, at the lake, in every single room in existence in the tent, he even had keys of the locked doors. BUT NOTHING. You were just… Gone?

And he was so confused…

He truly thought you abstracted and for some reason Caine didn’t want to tell him. He had so much trust in you he didn’t want to believe you would escape that place without him. He was an asshole after all and you accepted him, why would you do that now? 

So since then, he stopped trusting Caine. He didn’t want to believe his words no matter how much Caine said he didn’t put you with the other abstracted characters. He spent months like this hiding sadness in his room. He was way too proud to show his weakness after you left him there. He thought you were gone for real…

That’s why the moment you showed up there took him so by surprise that he didn’t know how to react. He didn’t want to believe his eyes. You were back? But… He thought you abstracted. 

He approached you, slow at first. Then quickened the pace until being in front of you. But he didn’t expect to find you holding something so close to you

You open the blanket showing a light purple bunny much like him. No smile on the baby, but being fair, there was no smile on Jax either. The cocky smile was completely gone. Lost. His mind was nothing but a blurry mess of collapsing thoughts and words. He didn’t know what to think…

“Jax… I just… I didn’t know how to tell you… I thought you would get mad and not accept them… I was so scared…” you truly meant it. But something inside Jax broke as he realized what happened

“You… Ran away because you got pregnant?” he asked, receiving a slow scary nod from you.

You tried to explain yourself while he stood quiet, but he had enough. He stepped back “No? You just- You just don’t *bleep* do that?! I thought YOU ABSTRACTED?! But you were just running away from me because you didn’t trust me to have a baby together!” Jax finally bursted in anger. He never raised a hand, of course, but he sure was pissed by the situation

“Jax, listen, it’s not that I didn’t trust you, it’s just-”

“NO. I had enough. I don’t want to hear anything from you nor the baby. As far as I’m concerned, you lied to me. That could pretty much be an NPC to regain me after being doing whatever knows what during months. You have *bleep* lost me” With that, Jax turned away from you, leaving you behind with a crying baby after the storm.

With the incoming days, Jax left it clear, he didn’t want to know about you anymore. The relationship was over with no way of fixing it. You destroyed his trust.

And every time he saw the baby he had a huge urge to run away. He wasn’t there during pregnancy, he wasn’t expecting this. The baby just came out of nowhere and he sure wasn’t having it easy to accept it. He never asked to be a father. He didn’t even have a relationship to share this experience with anymore. Just a broken heart and a crying creature. He didn’t want to be involved in any of it

It took months for Jax to finally approach the baby at all. Seeing the baby reminded him of the betrayal he felt you made him. So he didn’t want to be with them at all

It probably takes more than a year or even years for Jax to accept the kid and be their father. But the relationship, as he said, was over. 

[faintingcouchguy]

everyone's trans in the last unicorn

Oops it's the supermoon and I stayed up all night writing what'll have to be the first of 2-3 effortposts on transness and gender roles in Peter S. Beagle's The Last Unicorn. This one is about the three main characters' trans-coded introductions, plus Daniel M. Lavery's 2017-2020 writing on transition as intertexts/reception of the book. All the rest under the cut.

"We all know the unicorn and Molly Grue are transgender," I said flippantly to @literarymagpie yesterday, and it turns out maybe we do not all know this, so now it's finally time I write the essays I've been drafting in my head for five years about The Last Unicorn and the things Peter S. Beagle didn't know he knew.

My secondary source for this theme is Daniel Lavery, who, in his 2017 essay on gc2b binders, described the first stages of his transition as follows:

I knew nothing of the subject. I became aware of the subject. I immediately, and carefully avoiding too much direct thought about the matter, sought consummation with it. Since that day, the subject has rarely been far from my conscious thoughts. It has felt, alternately and sometimes simultaneously, thrilling, calming to the point of near-stupor, destabilizing, reassuring, necessary, mundane, intrusive, overwhelming, compulsory, and desirable.

Beagle's last unicorn lives in a lilac wood, and she lives all alone, oblivious and content for over a century. Upon overhearing that there may be no other unicorns left, she considers her identity and questions her place in the world for the first time. Here she is on pp. 6-7, quite certain at first that she belongs in her familiar forest:

"Oh, I could never leave this, I never could, not even if I really were the only unicorn in the world. I know how to live here, I know how everything smells, and tastes, and is."

[...]But suppose they are hiding together, somewhere far away? What if they are hiding and waiting for me?

From that first moment of doubt, there was no peace for her; from the time she first imagined leaving her forest, she could not stand in one place without wanting to be somewhere else. She trotted up and down beside her pool, restless and unhappy. Unicorns are not meant to make choices. She said no, and yes, and no again, day and night, and for the first time she began to feel the minutes crawling over her like worms.

I'm not even sure I want hormones. I'm pretty sure I don't want them, because I think about going on hormones all the time, and those thoughts always end in some variation of "I can't, not ever," and if I really wanted to try hormones obviously I wouldn't keep thinking about how I can't try them. I think about them all the time and have to constantly stop myself, so I must not really want them. You know how when you're profoundly curious and sick with longing about something, it usually passes pretty quickly.

—Lavery again, from Something That May Shock and Discredit You, "The Stages of Not Going on T" (p. 60).

Speaking of T and not going on it, Beagle's next introduced main character is Schmendrick. Schmendrick is a wizard living in an insecure, stagnant, uncomfortable state that is explicitly symbolized by the fact that he can’t grow a beard and would like to. I don’t even need to make a case here. (I will anyway, though, in another installment.)

Our other main ally is Molly Grue, "a thin thorn of a woman" who stands out as the steel spine of Captain Cully's otherwise all-male, ridiculous crew. She's tough, smart, grizzled, kicked around by life. Her relationship with Cully is ambiguous; her feelings are clearly not warm. When Schmendrick scatters the merry men with a chaotic summoning, Molly's the only one to land on her feet and follow him into the wood.

Then she saw the unicorn. She neither moved nor spoke, but her tawny eyes were suddenly big with tears. [...] "Where have you been?" she cried. "Damn you, where have you been?" She took a few steps toward Schmendrick, but she was looking beyond him, at the unicorn. [...] "Where have you been?" Before the whiteness and the shining horn, Molly shrank to a shrilling beetle, but this time it was the unicorn's old dark eyes that looked down. "I am here now," she said at last. Molly laughed with her lips flat. "And what good is it to me that you're here now? Where were you twenty years ago, ten years ago? How dare you, how dare you come to me now, when I am this?" With a flap of her hand she summed herself up: barren face, desert eyes, and yellowing heart. "I wish you had never come, why do you come now?" The tears began to slide down the side of her nose. The unicorn made no reply, and Schmendrick said, "She is the last. She is the last unicorn in the world." "She would be," Molly sniffed. "She would be the last unicorn in the world to come to Molly Grue." She reached up then to lay her hand upon the unicorn's cheek; but both of them flinched a little, and the touch came to rest on the swift, shivering place under the jaw. Molly said, "It's all right. I forgive you." "Unicorns are not to be forgiven." The magician felt himself growing giddy with jealousy, not only of the touch but of something like a secret that was moving between Molly and the unicorn. "Unicorns are for beginnings," he said, "for innocence and purity, for newness. Unicorns are for young girls." Molly was stroking the unicorn's throat as timidly as though she were blind. She dried her grimy tears on the white mane. "You don't know much about unicorns," she said.

(pp. 96-98)

It leaps out to me that the crux of Schmendrick's jealousy is not the wish that he could touch a unicorn. More emphasis is placed on his envy of Molly's emotional experience—the recognition, the sobbing relief. Schmendrick needs this magnitude of affirmation too, but won't get it until the end of the book, and from a different front. More on his weird gender stuff in the second and probably third installments of this that I have to write next.

I'm not the only one to note this scene's transgender resonance. I first got it, once again, from Lavery, who borrowed Molly's despairing cry for a monologue in Something That May Shock and Discredit You. "Do You Know Athena Used to Be a Tomboy?" spoofs transphobic responses to trans men coming out, Greek drama style: the listener is "encouraged" to remain a woman by the goddess Athena (I didn't want to be a girl either, but then I learned to love myself, and to become the tutelary of Athens. Have you tried being the tutelary of Athens?); a Chorus: ("Well, of course we'd all be trans now, wouldn't we? Anyone born nowadays, that's just a given, they just—someone tells you at school, or something—everyone's trans now."); and a Deuteragonist, whose concern-trollish speeches gradually reveal more and more intense personal gender anxieties. From the final meltdown (pp. 188-189):

I mean, if I were thirty years younger—if I were twenty-five years younger—if I were eighteen years younger—God, if I were just ten years younger—if I were a year and a day younger—if you'd asked me just five minutes ago, four and a half even, if I'd picked up on the first ring instead of the third, I'd transition. Hell, I'd transition. Oh my God, I wish I could transition. Ask me again, but sooner. Come back yesterday. Come back a week ago. What good are you to me now, when I am—this? Where were you when there was still summer in my heart? Come back a month ago, a decade, but come back to me before I had to forgive you. Just come back and ask again; I'll wait if it takes forever this time.

I don't have much to add to that, really.

Next post will have to talk about the transformation of Amalthea. I'm not the first to observe that it's a potent dysphoria metaphor, but I've got more to unpack about Schmendrick's perspectives if he's trans, and there's a lot to dig into re. the love story with Prince Lir. I've also got some intense takes cooking on the tower scene with Haggard, if I get there. Anyway, thanks for reading! And thanks @endetithei for sharing this book with me as much as you have. (Sorry that this is how you'll find out I was up all night.)

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for not playing piano in front of my family?

Well it's a silly one but every time it happens I feel more and more like the asshole.

My mom is a musician teacher and she played the piano professionally since she was a child. She grew up in a strict country with strict parents so I guess this is the only way she knew how to act.

Idk if she wanted me to be a famous pianist or something but she forced me and my bro to learn it since we were 3 or 4 or something.

I hated it. I hated it so much. It was always difficult and classical musics. She would always make us cry because she got really angry when we made mistakes (not like hitting angry just shouting angry).

As years passed by, she realized the justification of "you'll thank me in the future" was not worth it for us or for her (the classes gave her a lot of stress also at the time).

Honestly, I do thank her. I realized that I love to sing and have a really good voice if I may say, and I can use the piano to accompany me or I am good enough to learn musics I want to play by myself with all that I learned from her.

Now I'm an adult and I'm currently doing a major in something else but I think I'll never stop singing. My family loves it and loves music and I love to be on stage or sing to others so it's been a win win situation for little less than a decade.

Sry for the long post that was the context.

Ok I have a piano in my living room of the apartment I have with my parents and bro

I really like to play it while singing in a discord music server. But I can only do it when I'm alone at home.

Idk why but everytime I play the piano and my mom is near me watching I start getting anxious and just refuse to play in front of her.

This kinda extended to the rest of the family at home recently.

Like singing I can do whenever but the playing piano part is a no no. And honestly I feel like such an asshole.

My mom doesn't say anything nor the rest of my family. But they try to give me space when I'm playing by entering the apartment quickly and going to their rooms to leave me by myself for how long I'd like. But for me everything is already ruined(?) and I just go to my room after a few minutes.

They try to encourage me saying that they will go to their rooms and that I can relax and I feel bad that I'm kinda guilting them into messing up the music or stoping me from having fun just because they are around

It happened again today and I'm so mad at myself. It only happens specifically when I'm playing piano on a discord call. For the rest I'm fine with it. I can play if my mom or my bro asks, or by myself. But I love doing singing calls so all the time I use the piano in the living room is for this.

Like, I can see that the classes affected me a bit. But cmon, it's been years now, I'm a freaking adult. It's been so long that I feel that Im just being an asshole at this point

Am I being the asshole for not playing the piano when my family is at home?

Also, writing this ask made me a bit mad at myself again so I'm thinking of doing a discord call test while my mom is at the living room and try to get used to it. If this gets posted I'll tell how it went.

What are these acronyms?

[ballad-of-birdy-lamb]

can i send a tbosas request? maybe sejanus plinth x female reader during his time as a peacekeeper, they've been talking and he confides in her about the things that trouble him & she comforts him, you can put a romantic spin on it if you want. thank you! 💖

I adore Sejanus and I finally get to write for him! Again, sorry if he's OOC, I haven't read the book in a while.

Peacekeeper! Sejanus Plinth x Fem! Reader (romantic, comfort fic)

I don't fully know Tam Amber’s gender nor do I remember it, so they go by they/them throughout the fic. Nearly all descriptions of the characters are based on the actors and what the characters are gonna look like in the film.

The stage lights flashed on and you were quick to turn away. You held onto Tam Amber’s arm as they laughed at the sudden occurrence. A small part of you felt pity for Lucy Gray, hell, all of the Covey members because of those damn lights. They nearly blinded you.

“I forget you're never on stage,” Tam Amber laughed and patted your back. “You’ll get used to it.”

You chuckle out of embarrassment, not wanting to take it too seriously. Lucy Gray might have been blinded by stage lights at some point in her life. As you blinked, hoping for your sight to go back to normal you looked around the hob. Small dark spots flew around, the after-effects of the lights.

“I can't believe you can deal with that.” You look back at Barb Azure as she gets onto the stage, smiling, almost holding in a laugh. She must have seen you get blinded by the lights.

You sit on the edge of the stage, rubbing your eyes, hoping the dark spots leave your vision. You curse to yourself but giggle from your idiocy. When you look up to see if the spots are gone, you’re met with Coriolanus’ face.

You jump a bit from surprise and place a hand on your chest, calming yourself. “I'm sorry, didn't see you there,” you smile.

“It's alright, shouldn't have snuck up on you,” Coriolanus answered. He turns to Sejanus, grabs something from him, and looks at you again. Your eyes widen with joy at the sight of the presents.

“Sejanus’ mother made these, we thought the Covey would like them more than the other peacekeepers,” Coriolanus remarked. In his hand was a clear plastic back tightly closed around mounds of golden caramel popcorn.

Your eyes were wide at the sight of the caramel popcorn balls in Coriolanus’ hands. You reached out to take the bag from him but Maude Ivory was quick to swipe them away. She seemed to skip as she took them backstage, declaring the present to the rest of the Covey.

“It's very sweet that you were able to get them. They're gonna be spoiled if you keep getting them these treats,” you grin, taking the other bag from Sejanus who stood next to Coriolanus.

You look at Sejanus as he peeks at the backstage area. His dark eyes were sunken in with dark circles under his eyes. Nearly all the peacekeepers had sunken eyes with bags under their eyes. You don't ask about it with Coriolanus, or anyone really, around. It might embarrass him. Turning your attention to Coriolanus, he gives a small smile as he looks in the same direction as Sejanus.

“If you're looking for Lucy Gray, she's backstage. She's just fixing up her guitar strings,” you remark. Coriolanus nods and gives you a quick smile before going to find a seat. You're left with Sejanus.

You look at him as he looks back at Coriolanus and then at the floor. He looks at anything else except you. It was odd, he's never acted like that but you wave it off.

“It's nice seeing you, I didn't know if you were gonna come see the show this week.” You turn your attention to Sejanus, who perked up at your words.

“Yeah, yeah, no I would have come either way. I've got nothing better to do,” he almost rushes the words out. Sejanus looks back at where Coriolanus had gone then at you again.

“It's good to see you either way. Don't bring too many of those treats though, Maude Ivory’s gonna be bouncing off the walls,” you grin and stand from the edge of the stage.

“I'll send a note home to Ma about it,” Sejanus smiles and goes to sit with Coriolanus. You watch him leave, your eyes trailing to his hands, which he clenched and unclenched multiple times. Again, you brushed it off.

Making your way backstage you find the Covey getting their instruments ready. Maude Ivory sat on a black sofa with Tam Amber, eating the popcorn happily. Barb Azure was fixing her shiny black hair with her fingers. You finally found the person you were looking for sitting on a nearby stool.

“Lucy Gray, your boyfriend’s looking for you,” you exclaim. She looks up from her guitar and nods. Lucy Gray sat on a wooden stool, wearing a black floral dress with the instrument in her lap.

“I'm guessing it's Coriolanus.” Lucy Gray laughs and gets the guitar strap over her shoulder.

“Who else?” You smile and grab the partially eaten bag of popcorn balls from Maude Ivory. She whined and reached for the bag, her fingers sticky from the caramel. “You ate too much sugar, it's gonna keep you up all night.”

Maude Ivory nodded but wasn't happy about the treats being taken away. “I was gonna ask where she got those.” Lucy Gray said as she got up from the stool.

“Sejanus and Coriolanus brought ‘em.” You answered before turning your attention to Maude Ivory. “You practiced that song of yours, right? That valley song?”

Maude Ivory nodded excitedly, she looked as if she had forgotten about the caramel popcorn within seconds. “No need to practice! Lucy Gray sang the song and I got it down quick!” She exclaimed happily, kicking her feet.

Lucy Gray nodded and stood from the stool, going to fix Maude Ivory’s hair. “But I still had you practice,” she smiled, running her tan fingers through the young girl’s blonde hair.

Maude Ivory pulled away once she saw the time on her watch. She calls to the other Covey members and they start gathering their instruments and rush onto the stage.

As the Covey gets on stage, you rush to find a spot amongst the people. Looking around, you finally spot Coriolanus and Sejanus. Wasn't too difficult to differentiate them, not many others had buzzcuts by choice. You smile as you step next to Coriolanus.

You wave to Maude Ivory as she speaks to the crowd of colorfully dressed men and women. “Good evening everyone, we're very glad everyone could make it to the show! I’ll be starting this show-off and then after my songs, we’ll hand around a basket for donations. Then Lucy Gray will sing for you to finish the show!”

Many people in the audience turned their heads to the stage and watched as Maude Ivory started her song. Soon, people's awkward shuffling grew to cheerful dancing. Several danced with each other quickly, others slowly. The skirts of women's dresses flew around as they danced, their men following after them.

You stood next to Coriolanus and Sejanus, watching happily as she sang. You slowly swayed to Maude Ivory’s song, her singing loud and high-pitched. Her voice carried throughout the hob, a pleasant jingle for everyone inside, and possibly outside if they listened closely.

Maude Ivory started with her cheerful Valley song then led to a darker song about a miner’s daughter drowning. It was a bit of an odd change of tone but you couldn't deny it wasn't something you minded.

A bit into the second song, Sejanus whispered something to Coriolanus who nodded and turned his attention back to Maude Ivory. You couldn't help but glimpse over Coriolanus’ shoulder and watch Sejanus leave.

“Where’s he going? Is he going home already?” You whisper to Coriolanus. He shook his head in response. The answer made you more confused.

“No, he said he needed some air. He said it was stuffy in here,” he replied and turned back to the younger singer on stage.

You tried to do the same, smiling as you watched Maude Ivory pass around a basket for donations and then Lucy Gray taking the stage. She sang her ballad in a joyous tone, twirling around when she didn't need to sing a line. But no matter how much you paid attention to Lucy Gray and the twirling men and women around you, you couldn't stop thinking about Sejanus. He hadn't returned yet.

You tapped Coriolanus on the shoulder. “I’m gonna go find Sejanus,” you mutter. He nods and looks back at Lucy Gray, who is strumming her guitar with enjoyment.

You trudge your way through the crowd and to the door. You push yourself outside, a gust of cold wind washing over you. Sejanus was right on one thing, it was stuffy as fuck in there. You take a step down the front porch area of the Hob, looking around for Sejanus.

Your eyes widened happily at the sight of him sitting on the edge of the porch but hesitated to speak once you saw his tense posture.

“Sejanus, I came out to see you. You were out here for a while,” you call and take a step closer. Sejanus almost jumps at the sound of your voice but calms when he looks back at you. His deep-colored eyes were saddened but he tried hiding it to the best of his abilities, which wasn't that much.

“Yeah, that's fine. Um, it was kinda stuffy in there…,” he mumbled and looked back at the ground. You glance back into the Hob, looking at Lucy Gray then back at the man sitting in front of you.

“Can I sit with you?” You ask slowly, wondering if he wants your company to begin with. You take in a sigh of relief when he nods. You go to the edge of the porch and sit down next to him, a bit farther apart than you expected but you don't want him uncomfortable.

“So… how's your night going?” You ask awkwardly, looking down at your hands in your lap. Sejanus shrugs.

“Good…,” he mumbles again, not willing to look at you. “How was yours?”

“Good,” you nod. After those already awkward words, you're left in an even more awkward silence. Kicking your feet against the pale brown dirt below you, you take in a breath. “I kinda noticed you were a bit stiff today. Training worse than on other days?”

Sejanus shakes his head. “No, just like every day,” he replies. His head rests in his hands as he speaks, his face contorted with uncomfortable emotions and thought.

You grow tired of the silence and finally ask the question you've been meaning to. “Sejanus, is something wrong? You've been acting all funny tonight and I wanna know if something's bothering you.”

Sejanus seems to stiffen more if that was even possible. You watch him closely yet he chooses not to look at you.

“(Y/n), do you like me?” Sejanus watched the dancing shadows along the dirt ground, not wishing to look at you. “Is there anything that stands out about me? Like… positive things?”

You stared at him as you thought. Of course, you liked him. He was an absolute sweetheart, who wouldn't love him? Sejanus went out of his way to help others whenever he could. He didn't need to give the Covey that popcorn but he chose to. And he helped Maude Ivory work in the garden on weekends.

You nod. “I do like you. You're very kind and you like to help people,” you said matter-of-factly. “Is there any reason you ask that specifically?”

Sejanus doesn't answer or look at you. The muffled laughter and singing filled the silence, your shadows elongated by the light seeping through the hob’s windows. Sejanus rolled his shoe over a rock, trying to ignore the silence that was between you both.

“Sejanus, if something is bothering you then you can tell me,” you smiled as your hand rested on his shoulder. He shook his head, not meeting your gaze.

“No, no it's just…,” Sejanus paused as he thought of the correct words to use. His pointer finger scratched at his nails anxiously. “(Y/n), do you think I'm a good person?”

The question caught you off guard. Sejanus, of all people, was asking if he was a good person. When you thought of the word ‘good’, Sejanus was one of the first people that came to mind.

You give him a confused look and nod. “Of course, I think you're a good person. What makes you think otherwise?” Your words were soft compared to the calamity taking place in the hob. Lucy Gray’s singing rang through the air but you paid no attention to it. All of your attention was on Sejanus.

He wiped his face with his hands and sighed. “I just… I think I'm too good at this Peacekeeper stuff,” Sejanus remarked, the way he spoke brought a negative air to the words.

“Isn't that a good thing? You don't want to be left behind in whatever training you have to do,” you said as you laid your chin on his shoulder, gazing at him as he spoke. Sejanus stiffened but didn't try to push you away. He shifted closer to you, almost wrapping around you to pull you closer but didn't at the last minute.

“Yes but… I don't want to be a peacekeeper. I'm not violent and I don't want to be. If anything, I don't like how good I am at the job. If I had been given a different job entirely, one without the violent parts, I would be fine with it!” Sejanus replied as he held his face in his hands. “I just don't feel like a good person.”

Being a Peacekeeper was always known to be backbreaking, not only in training but in the lives the Peacekeepers would be forced to live. It was purgatory for them. It must have been so difficult for Sejanus to have to deal with this. He wasn't a violent person, anyone who was anyone knew that.

“I'm too good with a gun,” Sejanus huffed as he stared at the ground. “I know this sounds stupid but when I was younger, my father made me practice shooting a gun a lot. Now I'm too good at it and I feel awful.”

“But you're not an awful person, I know that for a fact,” you said softly as you took in his expression. Sejanus’ brows were knitted tightly together and from a specific angle, made him look angry. Maybe he was, maybe he was angry at the idea of being such a bad person.

“You’re a very good person, Sejanus. You are the sweetest man I've ever met. You are nice to others even if you don't know them and you help them. You barely knew me a couple of months ago and you helped me a lot. You've treated the Covey with so much kindness too. Don't let your job get to you,” you explain, hoping your words would help him just a bit.

Sejanus stared at you, wondering if you were being truthful. Part of him wanted to not believe you, wanting some form of punishment for what he's forced to do; another part wanted to believe you, wanting to take in your words and know they were candid.

You gazed at him silently, expecting him to say something but he just embraced you. His arms wrapped around your torso in a tight grasp, his face hidden in your shoulder.

Your body was stiff in his arms, not knowing what to do at the unexpected touch. Sejanus pulled you as close as he could, wanting to find comfort in your grasp. Finally giving in, you immerse in his warmth and drape your arms on his shoulders.

“I know I won't understand what you go through, Sejanus. I just want you to know, that I'm here for you, and I care about you,” you mutter, his arms loosen as he leans into you.

Sejanus stayed so close, it was as if your touch was comfort, hell, salvation for him. His head against your shoulder, his arms around your waist, fidgeting with the fabric of your clothes, he found a form of reassurance in your arms.

You had held children in your arms -particularly Maude Ivory- when they cried but you never felt this much desperation for your touch in a long while. Sejanus soaked in your warmth and presence, his muscles loosened evidently, he was almost putty in your grasp.

Slowly lifting your head from Sejanus’ shoulder, you peek at his face. He was staring at you. It almost caught you off guard and made you uncomfortable until you saw how he gazed up at you.

Sejanus gazed up at you with something you could only make out as devotion. It must have been the validity of your words that made him stare at you like that.

He looked away when you stared back, blush quickly covering his face as he sat up again. Clearing his throat, his eyes fell to the ground. “Sorry,” Sejanus muttered.

You don't answer. Looking down at your hands, you contemplate what he could have meant when asking you specifically about him. Was he trying to see if you liked him like how he possibly likes you?

“Have you always looked at me like that?” You scan his face closely, hoping for a hint of an answer within his expression.

Sejanus hesitated but nodded nonetheless. “Not always but it's been going on for a while,” he pursed his lips and finally looked at you. “(Y/n), I really do like you. I think you're very beautiful and talented and funny and…”

He trailed once he looked at you again. His face was red from his confession and embarrassment from being caught staring.

“And I'm madly in love with you.” Sejanus finished hastily and diverted his eyes. He wiped his face with his hands while waiting for you to say something.

You never took Sejanus’ kindness as a form of love, maybe that was just him? He loved you and was just kind. You never got that he felt any romantic feelings for you.

His eyes watch your face closely, wanting to see if you felt how he did. “Can I kiss you?” Sejanus muttered as his cheeks gained a red tint. Your eyes widen and you nod. Maybe it was the heat of the moment but something made you want to kiss him too.

Sejanus took your face into his hands, brushing his thumb on your cheek. Your hands sat in your lap, slightly balling up your clothes, fidgeting because the moment to come. He took in a breath, trying to gain courage before leaning in and kissing you.

Your body seemed to melt with his touch, his hands warm as his fingertips glided over your hands. His free hand held your lower back, pulling you closer to him. If you could have pulled him closer, you would have. Sejanus kissed you like he had never kissed anyone before. It almost seemed to be a mimic of the kisses actors would give each other on TV. Those weren't real, nothing was behind those embraces. But the same couldn't be said for the obvious endearment Sejanus felt for you.

Sejanus finally pulled away from you, his face a deep red as he panted. He more likely didn't breathe out through the entire kiss. While Sejanus tried catching his breath, he couldn't stop admiring you. His eyes were fixed on you like you were the brightest and prettiest star in the sky. His hand fell from your body as he sat awkwardly next to you, he was still a blushing mess. “Thank you,” Sejanus mutters through his hand.

You couldn't help but laugh at his manners. “You’re welcome, Sejanus.” Kissing his cheek, you took his hand into yours. His hand squeezed yours. His face slowly fell from his smile.

Sejanus turned to you again and spoke. “I need to tell you something I've been planning with Billy Taupe.”

____

So sorry I haven't been posting, school has been a lot and I've had writer's block for a while 😭

Also, this is absolute ass compared to my Lucy Gray fic. So sorry

And don't mind the casual buzz-cut slander in here. I just don't like them

[thesaart]

The concept of a Fool

(this is basically a fanfiction, so I have fun with writing it. I didn't really have a full plan when I started to write this but it's about Sampo so I wrote a lot anyways)

Going through this world I realized one thing and that is, that no matter what, who I am is of no importance to the story. What is important is to know what you want, regardless if you know the ending of the story or not. If you know what you want you can steer the story into that direction. You don't need to be the protagonist, if anything it's better if you're not. You can ask yourself questions of my origin and please tell me those questions. I will answer them. Because everyone knows, someone who says they are a bad liar can spin the most magnificent of tales. What planet did you come from? Do you have a family? Any siblings? Did they die? Did you kill them? Are you human or a worm? A corpse or a puppet? I came from a pebble. My father was a needle, my mother was a leaf and my sister was a tax machine. The leaf was crushed by the tax machine and the needle broke after avenging the leaf and I was the one who smashed the tax machine. I neither leave footprints nor grooves in mud. I can take your money and I can dig a hole. So if someone gave me a mouth and taught me how to speak, tell me what would be the difference? I can walk, I can dance, I breathe and blink but if you take my hand you yourself would freeze.

When I was younger I listened to storytellers, well that wasn't their job but regardless they were good at telling them. Wonderful little tales based on what those people themself went through. To be honest whenever I listened to them I never believed a word they said. However then I realized it was never about if they happened like this or not. Because truly who cares? What does it change if the people lied or not, if those stories truly happened the way they described? I knew that with all those workers, I would take their name, listen to their tales and then they would leave and I would never see them again. So after that realization, I remembered their tales and I started to build myself with these stories as a starting point. 

I made the clothes I'm wearing. Build tools based on blueprints I drew myself. I created weapons and gave them to the people that needed them. I made them specifically based on the people I would give them to. All who used my creations praised my talent as a craftsman.

There were articles written by me. They always told the truth, exposed the evil and praised the good. My word was law and could shift opinions as quickly as new trends could be created. Politicians paid me millions to praise them in my articles. And all believed my words. For I was known as the people's most trusted journalist. A new theater play started just a few weeks ago and have you heard, I'm the main attraction. The stage lights follow every step I take, the music dancing to my whims. 

The audience, so focused on my every word. Applauding every note I sing. Maybe you're lucky and you can catch one of my performances.

One day I found a letter and a package in front of my door. The package had only one thing inside of it, a uniform. The letter spoke of a war and that I don't have a choice but to join it. I walked into the camp, scared but determined to defend my home land. I was handed a weapon, a gun, that was clearly used. Who knows who had used it before. I entered the battlefield, screams were the first thing I heard. 

I fought and killed, defended myself from the enemies. I saw comrades die. I held them, hugging them till I could not feel the beating of their hearts anymore. I sat behind the walls of broken buildings hoping that I would come out alive.  

In all my time I had seen so much. I saw how people were exploited and their worries and needs stayed forever ignored. The governments whose only purpose it was to stand with its people, spitting on the ones who they were supposed to protect and aid. I hated them so much, I hated the hypocrisy behind their actions. I joint group after group to tear it all to the ground. I helped liberate nations and become an enemy of the ones who tried to stop me. I fought for freedom.   

I grew up as an orphan with no coin to my name, no one ever gave me aid. They saw a sad little boy destined to starve on the streets. The only thing that was thrown my way were looks of pity. so I hid and observed. I saw what the ones around me were doing to earn money. The shop owners lied to every customer, inflating the prices of their goods. Street performers would make the audience gamble away all they had. Other children would beg and use the looks of pity to their advantage. I observed and learnt. I took from people what was precious to them and changed the appearance of what I stole. Then I went to the ones it once belonged to and sold it back to them. I build a name of a salesman who knew exactly what others wanted. A trusted man with quality goods and the price, always fair. It wasn't my fault if the goods quickly broke or if the material never fully matched all the way through.    

Once I organized a heist, determined to clean out every last bit of valuables that place had. First it was an attempt to right the wrongs of others. I stole, yes, but only so I could share it with the ones that actually needed the money. I told myself that for a few times but after the fifth heist I struggled to continue to tell myself that. The hostages in front of me, cowering, fear radiating in their eyes, knowing as well as I did, that all that was a lie. I didn't care about the civilians or the ones who were forgotten by society. I just liked the thrill. I never wanted the laws to change. If anything, I wanted more of them so I could break them over and over again.  Then one day I realized, I was older now. Those stories, entering to tell others and myself. Now both, wrong, just tales, stories of workers I listened to as a child and also true, having earned experiences, I found myself in all those roles. I fought in wars, killed others, and experienced starvation. I built the shell of bombs and brewed poisons to fill them. I forged the blades I use to hunt and defend myself with. I wrote articles to influence the public. Played with how easy it was to point fingers and declare something to be good or bad. I infiltrated organizations and lied to friends and the ones who trusted me. Selling the good will of others and betraying them without looking back. And between all of this I was invited to perform, to be an actor. However the stage I was destined for had no adoring audience, just a crowd that knew, as well as I did, that we were laughing into the abyss. We knew how futile all this was but we still laughed because it just was so funny. I never thought about a clear line that I wouldn't cross. Stealing was fine, ruining people's lives was alright, destroying and tearing apart order and seeing places burn, was just part of who I was. But then I found that line and stopped for just a moment. It didn't change my world view, didn't make me a better person, just gave me a new perspective. So I gave my mask to a person I knew would never give it back to me for free. Only if I would do something for her, if I would dance to her whims. So if I ever decided to go back I could be sure that it was no quick decision based on longing or boredom. After I was free of the mask, of the tavern and the laughter, I traveled. It was the same as with the fools. Truly it felt like nothing had changed. I made friends that I quickly betrayed and I joined different factions just to see how those behaved. I found myself in different taverns. The only change was just the color of the curtains.

This next bit is hazy even for me. I went to a planet I shouldn't even have known of. But I went anyway, typing in unknown and forgotten coordinates. Maybe one of the workers told me a tale about that planet or maybe someone told it to another, while a little orphan boy was listening. Regardless, when I left my ship and was greeted with the cold winds of a frozen planet, it felt like I was entering an ancient theater.

Those winds let me deeper into those ancient halls. No walls, just ice and snow. Mountains covered in a thick layer of snow, reflecting the few rays of sunshine that were able to escape the heavy blanket of clouds. Like the spotlights above a stage.  After walking in the freezing cold for what felt like an eternity, with the noises of my heavy breathing as my only companion, I found myself on a cliff looking down towards a city. 

Sneaking into the city was a lot easier than I thought. It felt like I was walking next to invisible footsteps, leading or suggesting a way. I observed the townspeople and listened to them. Finding out about the name of the little city and its history. Well as much history as I could glean from peoples discussions and daily gossip. One thing that was clear to me was that those people were dying. They knew their time was running out but they just went on with their lives because there was nothing else they could do. 

From my perspective, I  just, I don't know exactly how I felt. If anything, I think I felt disappointed. When I entered this theater's halls I thought it was a story about a place of tragedy but determination. Believing that they will come out alive that everything will be fine. All the factions I went to had at least a version of that determination but especially Qliphoths people tended to have that blind faith. 

I'm not sure why, I could have left, but I didn't. This time I stayed and I stayed for a lot longer than I thought. I got to know the people of the overworld and played with their perception of me. They thought I came from the Underworld, an intriguing sounding place I was sure to visit as well. I quickly became a merchant and for some more direct and may I say ruder citizens, a scammer. Finding out what those people needed or craved was exhilarating. I played with what they wanted and seeing what they would do for just a simple distraction was fascinating. Being chased by the silver main guards was also just fun. I found myself excited by just the anticipation of what will come next? What do those people want? Where will I run and hide to today? But even though the Overworld was fun, the Underworld gave me a feeling I struggled to describe to myself for many years. The Underworld was a warm place, its people so busy running around, no time to lose. Working, providing both places with energy, mining all day. Kids running around playing, yelling at each other and laughing. The sounds of their voices and the noises of picks hitting rock and mining cards grinding on iron tracks, created a melody that was so vivid and clear to my ears, that I could almost dance to it. I let myself be carried by this atmosphere, following in the footsteps of the busy workers, offering my help and just being. I never had this much fun. 

Then one day the atmosphere shifted. The gates and entry between the two places were cut off, the Silvermane Guards stationed in the Underworld were ordered to get back above ground, leaving the people alone. Priority will change opinions and perspectives but still for me and a lot of other Underworlders it felt like the Overworld decided we weren't worth their protection. With no explanation given they left them all to rot. Hoverwever surviving was a thing I was always good at and like me the Underwolders were similarly gifted in that regard. So they went back to work, now they needed to provide energy only for themselves so there was at least that. Still the places exchanged more than just energy. The underworld powered machines, providing energy for cars, for heaters, for gears to keep both cities turning. However the Overworld aided the people with food and medicine. So like at the beginning, I knew the people of the city were going to die but the way how, was now a lot clearer, a lot more vivid and I was lost. I didn't know what to do. Like everyone else in the Underworld I was stuck. I searched for ways to reach the Overworld to do something. But every time I thought I found a path, Svarog, an ancient robot that, at least judging with how stubborn the tin box was felt more human to me than robot, would find those paths as quickly as I did and destroy them. I was at my wits end, I didn't know what to do. I never was at my wits end, I always had a plan or a concept or just a spark of inspiration but at that moment my head was empty. Now, what to do when you don't know what the next step should be? I did the only thing I could think of. 

I took a walk. 

I kept walking blindly into any direction. The warmth around me was still there. The people were still so busy but now that warmth was fueled with something else, an undertone to that captivating melody. If it was frustration or anger or hurt I could never figure out but now the atmosphere felt like a steam engine with broken glass and dented metal.

Cracked but still moving.  

Regardless of what will happen next, they will keep moving and so I will keep walking, for now, following in their steps, moving to their rhythm. I vouched that I would help them. This planet's tragedy and its people's situation and the underworld's whole existence sang to me in a way I both loved and hated. How dare they, how dare those people resonate with him? What does he have to do with they're shitty situation? Why should he even care and why doesn't he care at all about those questions right now? Does this really matter? The why or questions of how a planet, a city, people can be this unlucky. Finding a reason won't fix their situation and I don't know if answers to those questions would explain why I cared so much about those people. Especially for the people of the Underworld.    

While my thoughts were powering my steps I found the ground underneath my feet change. The rock and gravel dirtying my shoes changed slowly to a soft but still slightly dirtied white. The noise of my feet sinking into the thick layer of snow and the cold winds whipping around me was the next thing that greeted me.  

I smiled and spoke out loud, 

“Found it.”

The moment I found this little path I made sure no one else knew of it and somehow they didn't, not even Svarog knew of its existence. The path wasn't a simple straight line either. That would have been too easy. It was more like a winding array of lines all interlinking, melting together. Traversing through it felt like I was a wild gust of wind ripping through the delegate little lines, dancing through its halls with steps somehow only I knew. 

This path was all I needed because now I could be a link between the two cities. 

The Overworld needed heaters? Or oh no, their fuel source is running out. Who could help them? I made my money, built my reputation and made the Silvermane Guards fairly angry at me. 

A scammer who somehow seems like he can teleport, so fast and undetectable, footprints lost in snow. Come on run and try to catch me. This will keep you warm, the unpredictability and distraction of a little chaos, who could deny its effectiveness?

The things I stole? the materials I traded for? The food I could buy? Why, all of it was too much for me alone. So I gave it to the Underworld but not through my hands. My face would not greet those hungry and determined eyes. They wouldn't take it from me. They would never take it from someone who can't be trusted.

I understood the concept of trust better than most others I met, so I knew how both, fragile and also how utterly useless it was to me in this situation. The people didn't need to trust me. They needed to know me. I needed to play with their expectations so I needed to create a character that could act in ways so predictable that I could steer people into situations and places that would help me. To be able to ensure their survival for just another day. Wildfire was perfect for what I wanted to do. Like with the Silvermane Guards above ground, Wildfire was all about justice and helping the people however they could and similar to the Silvermanes, Wildfire also had a leader. However their leader was a lot easier to talk to and far less complicated in her ways of thinking as the leader of the Silvermanes. 

Natasha was a truly kind person and to my annoyance a pretty smart and observant person too.  One of the first times I met her I just happened to have some rations with me so when I gave them to her. Simply because a doctor would know far better how to handle those things then me and that I could give her more for a bit of info on wildfire and its members. She smiled at me, looked me in the eyes and took the supplies with her, with only a “See you later” as her answer. 

I knew from her look, those eyes that read you like a book, that I need to be careful around her. I don't think she ever fully figured me out, however, she, from all the people I interacted with on that planet, came the closest to seeing through me and I would lie if I would say that that thought didn't worry me. I met other members of Wildfire and most of them reminded me of people I’ve met on my travels. A strong and straightforward but oh so rude and brash warrior, a shining light of hope and protection keeping the will and spirits of all that are around him up and running. An old general molded by fights and bureaucracy and a child so full of fire and life, making her run in chaotic and huge lines, brightening the streets wherever she goes. I aided them and the rest of Wildfire with what they needed, to help the Underworld to survive as long as they could.   

The longer I stayed the more I didn't want to leave. I knew I couldn't leave at that time anyway but I knew that there would come a point where I couldn't deny that my time here would run out. So I just kept up with what I was doing anyway. The merchant and scammer become more well known. The helping hand of Wildfire was both an annoyance to the group but also, you could sometimes hear a sigh of relief coming from its members when they saw little old me.

Then one day I heard the metallic sound of an ancient and imaginary whistle ringing through the cold winds of the snow plains. Whispers of old tales hit me once again and I felt my excitement grow. Oh what a wonder, the train stops here too. 

As I said before, you don't need to know how the story will end, you just need to know what you want. Because the moment you know what you want, you have the power to push the story into that direction. When I got here I didn't know why, didn't care for why. 

Now I know a part of me wanted to be here to feel this type of connection once again. 

Stepping out of the dirty and cracked halls of the ancient theater, being greeted by the few rays of sunlight that could escape the heavy clouds. I felt again like an actor but this time taking on the same role that I also played for the townspeople. My part isn't over yet so  gather around members of this ancient train and let me, your friendly merchant, Sampo Koski, tell you a tale of a doomed city and please, 

help us all.    

Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoy