#I'm a masculine person I do not use they/them and I appreciate being referred to with the same masc terms as cis men

[fredlikesrats]

fuckkk if this keeps up im just gonna use only he/him. im not gender neutral like at alllll

[brown-little-robin]

HI so sorry to barge in here unannounced like this but u seem to have a lot more knowledge about japanese language/culture/social etiquette than i do and i've seen u mention dimple's mannerisms in canon once or twice and like . i'd love to hear more abt that if ur willing to ramble for a bit. i've been Very curious just how far dimple's Rudeness goes, but i know very little about the culture. i'm sure some things he does or says seem fairly normal to me but is considered very rude or disrespectful to the characters. no pressure tho ofc :]

hi Rika!! literally drop in anytime! I,, I appreciate this ask so much and will answer as best as I can, but I'm a very new student of Japanese and Japanese culture, so take what I say with a grain of salt! also I personally am going to tag @russenoire to respectfully invite them to partake in this conversation if they think it would be fun (no pressure of course!). they have been studying this much longer than I have :}

putting my thoughts under a cut because !!! I love to ramble!!! note: all of this is based on Dimple's Japanese voice & mannerisms from the anime. I don't have the manga in Japanese yet 🙏

As a preface: Ekubo's direct/rude/familiar speech style is typical in anime and not unheard-of in real life, but it's definitely worth noticing! Mob Psycho 100, particularly, gets a lot of its unique interest out of taking unrealistic anime expectations and saying "HEY pay attention to this, WHY is this happening, this is immature behavior, why are adults in this universe letting this happen", and making it funny and/or serious. So!!! let's dive in.

So, okay, Dimple's mannerisms. The first thing to know is very general. he usually speaks in the casual register (which has a whole distinct vocabulary from the more polite registers: for instance, he tends to end his sentences with "da" rather than "desu", which are both "is" verbs with the exact same meaning, just a different connotation). the casual register is comparatively... direct. Dimple using casual implies that he thinks of himself as on familiar terms with and/or higher in the social hierarchy than whoever he's speaking to. casual Japanese is par for the course in anime in general, especially for people expressing arrogance, like Ekubo does all the time. But still, that's A Choice. it expresses simultaneous superiority (I am allowed to speak to you in informal terms because I'm above you) and also, possibly, desire for closeness (Ekubo speaks to Shigeo in familiar terms like they're brothers).

(Politeness, respect, and distance are linked in Japanese. Casual language isn't always rude, but in the wrong situation, it can be jarring and disrespectful. Using casual Japanese is a sign of confidence and personal closeness in your relationship with someone—new friends will switch from formal to casual language at some point and typically never go back; siblings use casual language with each other as a matter of course. It's very situational.)

The second thing to know is, there are choices of first person pronouns in Japanese!!! And Ekubo's choice is spectacular. He refers to himself as "ore-sama". "ore" (roughly pronounced "o-ray") is one of two typical Japanese casual male pronouns, ore and boku. (the formal first-person pronoun for men is watashi). To my knowledge, "ore" was originally the only casual male pronoun, and then "boku" entered popular use as a more humble option and changed the meaning of the formerly more neutral-sounding "ore" by competing with it, which is fascinating. but I'm getting distracted. "ore" is the more aggressively masculine pronoun; it's considered rough/direct to the point of being rude in many contexts. And Ekubo doesn't just use "ore" (ore is a widely-used choice!), he adds the honorific -sama to the end. This is extremely macho. SUPER arrogant. It tracks with his desire to become a god: -sama is the honorific for kami as well as the honorific for people who are way higher ranked than you. giving someone the honorific -sama expresses a greater gap between you and them than -san does. this is hilarious to me. Dimple is over here referring to himself as 🔥 ME 👑 every time he uses first-person pronouns. (Mob uses boku, btw.) ore-sama isn't not used irl, but it's, uh. highly highly unusual, from what I can tell. sounds like a biker gang boss kind of thing to me—something someone on the fringes of society would use. no shade to those outside "polite society" from me, btw, I'm just stating the general connotation from a majority cultural perspective.

OH AND SPEAKING OF HONORIFICS. I'm guessing you've seen analysis of this before and/or just Get It from cultural osmosis, but Dimple calls Shigeo "Shige-chan" the second time they meet. -chan is a usually-affectionate diminutive usually given to girls younger than yourself or celebrities people find cute; I think they translate it as "li'l Shige" in the English dub? -chan has cutesy connotations and can be infantilizing if it's not used with permission and/or some kind of... y'know... familiarity and understanding between the person giving the honorific and the person being referred to with -chan. it is super disrespectful of Dimple to call Shigeo Shige-chan having just met him, and having gotten off on a terrible foot with Shigeo, no less. what the heck, Ekubo!!

And then Dimple proceeds to call him just Shigeo with no honorific at all, which is ALSO disrespectful?? given that Dimple doesn't know him, really?? too familiar, too abrupt! As a strange adult, he should be calling him Shigeo-kun! But he's treating Mob like a little brother. (For instance, as the older brother, Shigeo has the right to call Ritsu by the first name and only the first name, whereas Ritsu usually calls Shigeo "Nii-san". To my knowledge, that's not unnatural in Japanese the way it would be in English; it's not Ritsu reiterating their bond every five seconds, it's just the Expected Thing for the younger brother to refer to the older brother as "Nii-san" out of respect. you'll see the Shiratori brothers, Daichi and Kaito, doing the same thing if you pay attention. to each other, they are "Kaito" and "Nii-san". BUT ANYWAY)

Another Dimple regularly does that reads as arrogant/direct to me is sometimes speaking in a Really Low Voice. This is where my knowledge gets hazy—it's more about pronunciation and accent than "behavior" as such, so bear with me, but the general pitch of one's voice is important in Japanese. Girls and women tend to pitch their voices higher than their natural range in Japanese, especially when doing "polite" or "customer service voice". Japanese speaking men often raise their pitches for politeness/to express humility or a conciliatory attitude too, even though it's not as extreme as with women. And men who are performing aggression will often lower their pitch on purpose, creating a growling kind of effect. Dimple does this a lot. Let me see if I can embed a video of him doing it here

YES. OKAY. Listen to the difference between his mental voice and his spoken voice here!! Dimple uses a higher pitch when talking to Mob because he's trying to ingratiate himself with Mob, but then when he's muttering to himself, he reverts back to his evil-spirit, gang-boss, stereotypically-yakuza-sounding kind of... deep growl.

Relatedly, Ekubo rolls his r's. he rolls them hard. That's a really rough way of speaking, definitely not typical in "polite" Japanese. people learning Japanese are told not to roll their r's unless they want to sound like they're yakuza wannabes. (He also, to my ear, tends to kind of roll his vowels?? he puts his voice backwards in his mouth, pronouncing things either near his nose or deep in his throat, and kind of crushes them with his mouth as they emerge. I don't know if there's a word for this, but to my synesthesia it looks like his voice goes spiky. it's a COMPLETELY different sound than the smooth pronunciation of polite Tokyo-style Japanese. I don't actually have a point this is just interesting to me)

That's about all I have for now! I'm fascinated by Dimple's speaking style and what it says about him. Sorry this was more about accent than behavior—as far as behavior goes, I mean, he's weird. he's weird! as a ghost, he's not really a part of society and he just wanders around making fun of people, which would be rude in any culture. I have a whole Other rant about how Dimple improved as a person after Reigen started treating him as an employee and how that adds to MP100's theme of society and connection, but now is not the time. I hope this has been interesting to you!! Thank you for the ask!

[dnphobe]

Looking at how they've presented themselves over time is always interesting. I think the queer experience of slowly questioning societal and gender norms (and gender, in many cases) is something I recognize in them. Im also curious how Phil's journey is different because he was out to his close ones for a lot longer, and it feels like Dan has more fun shouting about being gay because of the trauma that he associated with the label. I loved seeing their support of queer identities even when they were publicly closeted. It's nice that, even if they weren't comfortable being out, they wanted everyone to know they were a safe space

i agree! the different ways they've presented themselves to us over the years is one of my favourite topics to talk about tbh!

dan's journey wrt to gender presentation and how he feels about gender (not gonna theorise on how he identifies bc what do i know, but to quote him he's fine with being viewed as a man but also not offended if people use pronouns/gendered terms outside of that to refer to him) is interesting because he's said he's always been "flamboyant" but tried to hide that in his youtube career for a long time, and he's gone from saying "i can't do it i'm just such a boy" about painting his nails to having them painted more often than not, but also in day in the life of manchester he said he sometimes wishes he was a girl when looking at 'women's clothing', so it's clearly something he's felt for a long time.

i don't think phil necessarily feels the same pull to be gender non-conforming, but it is also something he's struggled with doing (in one of the stereo shows, when talking about the maid dress he wore in VPMO 2, he said that while it was a cheap joke outfit, a few years ago he would not have felt comfortable wearing a dress at all) so that might be something he's still working toward being comfortable with, but at the same time he's never felt shame about telling us things like he likes using raspberry scented body wash or that he does skin care (while when phil mentioned doing skin care dan was clutched by toxic masculinity saying "don't do- i mean that's fine!"

agree with dan having more fun shouting about being gay because of the trauma and i'm so glad he's reached where he is now! phil...i think for a long time he thought he didn't NEED to shout about being gay, especially because like you said he was out to a few people for longer. but i think it's something he realised he DID want to do after coming out to us. as he said in his coming out one year later video he didn't realise how much of himself he was holding back from us by not being out and it feels like a weight off his shoulders now. i think they both love being gay and shouting about being gay and celebrating that with us and im so proud of phil too <3 i actually have a hot take which is i think if it wasn't for dan's coming out he might have never fully come out to us, not just in a "if dan never had he never would have" way, but in a "if he and dan never met he wouldn't have" way, because he IS a private person and didn't think he was missing out on anything.

i am always so glad they made sure we knew they were accepting of us even if they weren't ready to be out. ngl it got kind of rough in like 2012 for me when dan was so adamantly against people thinking he was gay my own internalised homophobia brain went "does he hate gay people?" but that's on me, not him, or more accurately on BOTH of our internalised homophobia situations lmao. but yeah they've always been so sweet about their queer and trans fans, and one thing i personally appreciate so much is how they will use they/them for any fan they don't know the gender of no matter what their name/appearance/voice would make other people assume their gender to be! i feel so safe with them, and im gonna add this bc im still sappy after this weekend, so safe with phannies too <3 i think phannies queer identities and dnp's queer identities have ALWAYS flowed into each other and both sides of the parasocial line have made the other side feel safe and grow into their identities and helped them accept and appreciate other people's identities.

[wulfums]

I have like. Such extensive backstory HCs for Grim and Gnarly and I just never talk about it. They just live in my head. I think abt them almost as much as I think abt Allan, I like them a Lot.

I had developed Grim's backstory pretty heavily but not Gnarly's, so I've been thinking abt his.

My take on him is that he had insanely shitty parents who did not like or care for him. He left at 16 and couch surfed. His first job was at a butcher shop. The owner, Butcher John, was very gruff, kind of rude and standoffish, but he really did take Gnarly in. This guy in the few years Gnarly worked there was more of a dad to him than his actual dad ever was. Neither of them were ever comfortable with Gnarly calling him that, and neither were ever comfortable talking about feelings, trauma etc. All Gnarly knows is that Butcher John went through something similar as a kid.

Something about Gnarly is he is genuinely smart. But no one ever expects this from him. He has dyslexia and some trouble reading and teachers and especially his parents always assumed that meant he was Stupid. He's not!! But he grew up thinking this so he never really tried, because what was the point ?? And in high school he really embraced the "Cool guy, doesnt care about anything" image. He also was really averse to doing anything seen as non-masculine. Gnarly always grew up more into boys than girls(And later figured out he didn't like girls at all, he just felt like he had to) and his parents were Not happy about that, to say the least.

But this also led to him not embracing things he liked that didn't fit that mold. Until his idol and basically adopted dad came home with a guy. Gnarly genuinely had no idea Butcher John was queer. He was the most masculine person Gnarly knew, ever. When he was told "I'm not doing any of this to be masculine. I'm just doin it because I like it." it really hit him. So he started letting himself doing things seen as nerdy, like reading. He found out he loves reading historical fiction and non-fiction, as well as fantasy. He started taking piano lessons, too, in addition to guitar lessons.

Even though he felt more self confident, he still was convinced he wouldn't be smart enough to get into college. But he did- on scholarship. This led to him feeling like he was taking it away from someone else, dealing w imposter syndrome, before John encouraged him(Along with John's now husband! Also named John. Which is why the OG John is referred to as Butcher John.)

Even though Gnarly never refers to him as his dad or anything, he keeps in close contact with him even as an adult. The only time he ever saw Butcher John cry was when Gnarly called him, after being able to escape Hell. Until Griddle happened and Gnarly introduced Griddle to the Johns- that also made Butcher John cry.

Fun fact: Nowadays, Butcher John is a vegan. He doesn't regret being a butcher, considering he always used every part of the animal (His husband is a taxidermist! Its how they met.) and always modeled and taught Gnarly respect for nature. But when he wasnt able to verify exactly where the meat was coming from anymore after farms stopped being local, he closed his shop and went vegan. Hes a little preachy about it, but Gnarly know its out of a deep respect for animals. (Though vegan, John is fine with using vintage animal product clothes such as leather.)

Gnarly still hunts, and is as far as vegan as you can get, esp since deer are insanely overpopulated near Meep City. But respect for nature is a big thing for him, which is why he loves taking camping trips with Gristle- and once Griddle and Gnasty are old enough, them too!!

He still struggles heavily with anxiety, self doubt and imposter syndrome. But he has a family now, which is more than he ever had as a kid.

Also, when he found out his dad kicked the bucket, he came home to Gristle and Grim throwing him a surprise party to celebrate, which Gnarly appreciated SO much. Fuck that guy !!

I need to design The Johns since they're important figures in Gnarly's life. They're like. The opposite of Grim's mom.

[zz-chikorita]

If Leon was a trans guy in the Jolly Rogers universe, I imagine that he would have had a really hard time of it his whole life thanks to certain people. If he was still champion and everything mostly happened the same up until he goes to Alola, how would meeting Guzma and the rest of team skull go, considering they view gender completely differently than what Leon might be used to dealing with?

So, to answer this question I'll probably reference some parts of the story, so 🛑spoilers🛑 for anyone who hasn't read it....

Now, there are, of course, prejudices in Alola as there are most places toward trans folk, hence the twin's (oc grunts Pink and Blue) situation. However, I think Leon will come to be surprised that the snarky Skull Boss does not poke fun at that aspect of him even once.

We've already sort of seen how Guzma views others in terms of sex and gender. For example, even when thinking about the twins, he only ever describes them as 'boys', 'brothers', 'morons', etc. The fact that Blue is trans is not something that ever crosses his mind UNTIL someone else brings it up and dares to misgender him. I imagine, that even if he clocks Leon as trans without the champ straight up telling him, it's more of a footnote in Guzma's brain about him than anything else. So, let's say Guzma was asked to describe Leon's most defining traits... his brain would probably turn up things like "man younger than me," "dark, long hair," "bright eyes," "scatterbrained," "large, muscular chest," etc. In other words, though Leon is a trans man, Guzma sees him as simply a man first and foremost. This is likely not a conscious thing Guzma does, and has roots in the fact that the majority of positive adult influences from his childhood happened to be māhū.

This may actually lead to some misunderstandings. I know that being trans for some folk is a very important part of their identity and that they would much rather have the distinction between transman and cisman. In my interpretation of Leon, I don't think he'd care as much about the distinction and would focus more on being seen and thought of as a man in general. However, the fact that Guzma is so unreactive (and almost uninterested) in the fact that Leon is trans is actually a bit of a shock and kind of confusing (but also refreshing). He may think Guzma is just messing with him or being insensitive and just "pretending like he isn't" as I'm sure he's had to deal with in the past. Alternatively, he just thinks Guzma is completely oblivious to the fact. Of course, any of this would be resolved once the two just sat down and had a bloody conversation.

I could totally see Leon stressing about needing/wanting to tell Guzma he's trans and being unsure how he'll take it and finally mustering up the metaphorical balls to do so only for Guzma to be like, yeah I fucking know that already??? I'm sure some entertaining banter would ensue.

The rest of the islands aside, I think Leon would find himself extremely comfortable and at home in the shady house, it being very inclusive and accepting, a good bit of its residents being some flavor of queer, neurodivergent, misunderstood, etc. I'm sure some of the grunts are thrilled to have him (as a trans adult) around- physical affirmation that yes, it's not a phase, yes you can grow up as the person you want/are meant to be, yes you don't have to compromise for anyone else's sake, yes you can, you WILL be happy.

I think Leon would really enjoy that. He's use to being a role model, but this is different and I think it means something important to him. I also think Leon would really appreciate the idea of māhū and the idea that gender is not simply "one or the other". I think it's validating and would help him be more accepting of himself, allowing him to be proud of his more "feminine" features or tendencies without feeling like they detract from his masculinity or identity as a man.

I think Leon would also be able to extend some of this to Guzma himself. As it's implied in the story thus far, for himself gender is a difficult subject to breach due to the abuse he suffered from his father. The understanding he subconsciously extends to others, he subconsciously does not grant to himself. I think Leon sharing with him some of the struggles he's overcome through the years, may connect some synapses in Guzma's brain. Maybe Lee can get him to acknowledge the contradiction within himself....

[plaexus]

I’m getting sick of people talking about w like she’s an actual baby. There isn’t much of a difference between their bodies, w is more muscular and it shows as she’s talked about going to the gym and exercising. K clearly hasn’t and has seemed like she’s gain weight, but that’s not her fault as she’s either working/shooting for her brands or resting.

I think people need to stop with the fan-fictional mindset about the two. They’re their own individuals before anything else, w doesn’t always need to be tied or mentioned about something that k is doing or has done and vice versa.

I personally think constantly characterising w as a “bbg” or “brat” is just infantilizing her, like there is so much of her that just gets ignored or thrown aside just to fit some people’s fantasies or fanfic. I know that it’s such a trivial thing to be annoyed by, but it just gets on my nerves and makes me feel like people don’t appreciate or see w as a human being. Like the abo terms and the fact that people talk about her like she’s an animal ( I’ve seen too many people tweet that she’s needy and in “heat” , that she needs to be breed) that shit disgusts me. And the same can be said about k, she’s isn’t some “fuck boy” and isn’t remotely masculine in anyway, like the girl can’t even maintain direct eye contact with w without shying away. She’s just full of love and appreciates everyone, even if she meows to break awkward silence.

My point is that they are real people with thoughts and feelings personal to them, and some fans just use them to fuel their own narratives and fantasies. Sorry this seems like a rant essay, but I’m just so tired of the mischaracterising of the girls.

to disclose my conflicts of interest, i have written fics in the past and do heavily enjoy reading fics, i follow people who possibly like the "characterisations" and tropes you mentioned in your ask, i like jmj's size difference, and i have used the terms 'bbg' and 'brat' when referring to mj, although in my defense, just a handful of times. anyway, i was a bit apprehensive to answer this but i will because i think there's some productive conversations to be made

first of all, i found this statement, "K clearly hasn’t [been exercising] and has seemed like she’s gain weight", not only offensive, but also frankly untrue. i don't even think idols need to work out excessively because rehearsals alone lets them burn through so many calories. other than that, we know for a fact jm works out. i just find any comments regarding idols' weight out of line. to insinuate that any idol is not fit or is less fit just because another appears leaner is just absurd

i more or less agree with your second to fourth paragraphs. yes, these people we ship are first and foremost their own individuals with unique personalities and feelings. i've always advocated thinking about idols as complexly as possible and not be so set on labelling them or categorising them based on the very limited things they show us. we're lucky the aespa girls are comfortable enough to share bits and pieces of who they are with us. it would be a waste to just think of them only in stereotypes. so, yeah, there are times when i get quite uncomfortable when many users in my feed seem to be "mischaracterising" the girls or interpreting anything jm and mj do solely using those terms you listed

that said, i hope when those terms are mentioned, they are used lightheartedly or for lack of a better term, unseriously. like those terms are just knee-jerk responses to seeing certain things, and they actually genuinely care about the idols and see them more complexly and appreciate them as individuals, etc. even when people use those terms, i like to give them the benefit of the doubt that they have a more holistic view of the very real people they're talking about.

to be honest, i've been in rps spaces for a long time, so i'm no longer really surprised by anything people say. but language articulates consciousness. it has the power to shape reality and influence other's perceptions. so for me personally, i like to err on the side of caution when talking about people i ship and idols in general. i love rpf, i myself daydream and make narratives based on irl moments by the people i ship. but yeah, as long as you're self-aware of what you say and don't blur the lines between fiction and reality and don't convey these tropes to the girls themselves, i think it's okay...

[loemius]

Can you please tell us about drag? <3 Why did you get into it, what does it mean to you... Anything you'd like to talk about!

hi hi! thank you SO much for this question, i would ABSOLUTELY love to!! i've been into drag for... honestly my whole life. i've always been interested in makeup since i was a pre-teen and once i discovered drag makeup tutorials on youtube it was game over. i spent a ton of time in my teen years just practicing different makeup looks and playing with cosmetics. it's always been a huge interest of mine. it's a means of self expression for me. i'm transmasc and present more androgynous, leaning towards masculine, and i don't really like to wear makeup day to day (mostly because it's a lot of effort tbh). it gives me a chance to express my love of makeup and fashion, as well as my femininity, that i feel most comfortable doing in drag. performing in drag is a unique artform that you can't really get anywhere else imo. there's so many ways to approach it! you can do so much with it. it's this unique blend of music, dance, references, soundbites, fashion, theater, all in one package. it's self-expression, it's art, it's history! there's so much history behind drag, which is a really big passion of mine as well. i'm a huge nerd about lgbt+ history, pop culture, and art of all kinds, so it's just... a blend of everything i love. there's no wrong way to do drag, which is something i love about it. there's something for everyone in drag, if you're willing to get into it. i think a lot of people only thing of drag as queens, which is Not true. i personally am a queen, there's kings and people who prefer other terms like 'performer' or 'drag monster' too! it's not just people being glamorous in pretty rhinestoned gowns on stage or what you see on drag race, although it Can be. it's also horror, comedy, camp, so much more. i'm very lucky that my university has a drag house/club, and i'm very involved. i help plan the shows, promote them, and of course, i perform in them. i'm a pretty seasoned performer at this point, coming up on my third year of actually performing in drag, although i only got to do one show in my first year of performance. being up on stage is... an experience like no other. it's so much fun. it's indescribable. i've gotten to host shows and it's literally so magical to me. i'm deeply blessed to have the community that i do with so many drag siblings and even my own drag children! i really struggled to find my 'people' so to speak when i went to uni until i got into drag. i have so many friends now from it that it just... blows my mind. it means so much to me to get to share this art form that i love with others and help them experience it too. i'm deeply, deeply blessed. for anyone interested in drag, i highly suggest checking out local performers near you. get on social media (esp instagram if you've got it) and look for performers in your nearest city and see who they follow, who they perform with, and just follow them and support them. likes and comments mean a lot. if you're able to go to shows, i cannot suggest it enough. local drag is an experience like nothing else. it's honestly life changing to me, and i'm deeply blessed to have had this experience and pray i always get to be a drag performer. thank you so much for this ask, this was really awesome to talk about and i really appreciate the opportunity!!! gods bless you always with happiness, health, and love <3333 as a reminder my ask box is still open for more q&a's if anyone's got em!

[enlitment]

Top 5 lines written by Catullus!

Thank you for the ask (and for indulging me!). I may stretch the definition of what can realistically be considered 'a line' a bit, but it's for the sake of context, I promise!

C 31: Sirmio

O what freedom from care is more joyful/ than when the mind lays down its burden/and weary, back home from foreign toil/ we rest in the bed we longed for?

This one is just incredibly relatable for anyone coming back home from any long trip! It is just as true now as it was more than 2000 years ago.

2: C 99: Stolen Kisses: to Iuventius

you have handed wretched me over to spiteful Love/nor have you ceased to torture me in every way/so that for me that kiss is now changed from ambrosia/to be harsher than harsh hellebore

I've included this line mostly because I love the contrast between ambrosia and hellebore. I also think that there is something powerful and effective about taste metaphors, yet I don't see them used very often. Here, it manages to beautifully illustrate poor Catullus' feelings in this particular situation! (Though obviously, you shouldn't go on kissing people out of the blue. That's kind of on him.)

Poor Catullus, getting rejected by both women and men, left and right

3. Attis

So, rapidly, from sweet dream and free of madness/ Attis recollected his actions in his thoughts/ and saw with a clear heart what and where he had been/ turning again with passionate mind to the sea.

Nothing like the pain of the morning after, am I right?

In all seriousness, all of Attis is amazing. The language (even the translations, I sadly cannot appreciate the original), the imagery, the links to mythology, it's all so beautiful. It's also such a rich area for analysis - I've thought about it a lot, but I'm sure if barely scracthed the surface at this point.

I personally see it as an expression of the fear of emasculation that comes with being deeply obsessed with a female lover (as he was with Lesbia)? I cannot claim any expertise beside having read all of his work and knowing some of the context of his life + the Roman views on masculinity. I've also read a few opinions of people arguing for a possible trans reading, which is incredibly interesting as well.

4. C 9: Back from Spain: To Veranius

You’re back. O happy news for me!/ I’ll see you safe and sound and listen/ to your tales of Spanish places that you’ve done/ and tribes, as is your custom, and/ hang about your neck, and kiss/ your lovely mouth and eyes

I don't know, just something about him expressing such genuine joy about being reunited with his friend seems incredibly sweet. (Also introduces the idea of kissing someone on the eyes which. Um. Seems to be an ongoing thing for Catullus. Sure, you do you.)

5. C 64: Epithalamium for Peleus and Thetis

The Minoan girl goes on gazing at the distance/ with mournful eyes, like the statue of a Bacchante/ gazes, alas, and swells with great waves of sorrow

Again, I just love the whole poem. It is probably my favourite Catullus poem (along with C 50, but they have very different vibes). I find it fascinating that a male poet can empathise so much with the female perspective (which is a bit of an ongoing theme in his poetry). I cannot help but think that he must have personally related to Ariadne's pain, being rejected by his former lover - Lesbia - like she was by Theseus. It would certainly help to explain how he was able to portray her state of mind with such incredible depth and complexity.

I also adore the beauty of the language and the many references to Greek mythology of course.

[drones-of-innocence]

Hi Drones! Love your Mareach fanfics (literally top notch💯). I was wondering, what are your thoughts on the movie (assuming you’ve seen it😅)? I have a few thoughts on it, but would love to hear yours!

Hey there!! I appreciate the ask! (And OMG thank you for reading my fics, that's so sweet of you 😭)

I have finally seen the Mario movie and I do have a lot to say haha, and I'm cool with sharing my broad thoughts this way, but if you're looking for a more in-depth discussion then I'm happy to discuss more in a PM!!

Just a brief disclaimer; my opinion reflects only my personal preference! I don't have any problem with disagreement or anyone who feels differently.

I will say the movie was a lot of fun! It was so surreal to see the Mushroom Kingdom on the big screen, and to hear such familiar melodies in cinematic arrangements. It was downright magical, actually. There was plenty to laugh and be amazed at, and so many references that had me grinning the entire time!

About the plot though 😅 There are pacing and some narrative critiques that I've seen so I won't say anything beyond that. The most important thing for me is I believe in the merit of a children's movie being all fun and silly, but I also really feel like this film went out of its way to avoid social commentary at its own expense. Not for no good reason; I know Nintendo does everything possible to keep the Mario franchise as family friendly as possible. But in terms of an impactful story, it fell sort of flat in my view. I feel as if it could have benefitted from some kind of social commentary beyond it's shot at subverting the damsel-in-distress trope.

(That in particular felt like performative feminism in a sense. Maybe it wasn't, maybe it was a sincere attempt at empowering an iconic character. But the default answer in a lot of media to empowering women these days seems to be "make her strong the way that the men characters are." A girlboss, I guess. It feels performative for me because it reaffirms with the idea that strength in character can only be relevant/seen within masculine qualities, and writers can just say "but it's a woman!" while continuing to disregard more feminine examples of strength. It's like a Get Out of Jail Free Card to acknowledging gender inequality.

Like, the problem wasn't that she's a damsel-in-distress; the problem is how pervasive the trope of damsel-in-distress used to be across the board. Except now, pop culture has sort of swung the other way. The problem isn't the girlboss character, the problem is that the girlboss character is perceived as the only correct way of writing "strong women characters." It's just sort of missing the point. The problem is still the same; women characters are stuffed into the same small box of behavior, attitude, and ultimate role depending on what's trendy at the time. I love the damsel-in-distress trope. I also love the girlboss. But it can be tiring to see that same story over and over again, feeling as if there are only a few options for writers to portray women, and realizing that it represents a sort of confinement of understanding for what women are allowed to be in real life for social acceptance, too.)

I get the desire to avoid politics and social issues. I really do, but in my position (studying social sciences), I see social issues as unavoidable. To go without acknowledging them is to ignore them, and from a story perspective, to go without them also kind of makes it boring?

I've seen the argument that it's a children's movie, therefore it doesn't have to be complicated. That's absolutely valid. I wish I could go back to having no thoughts lol. But it's my personal preference to watch a film that makes me think and consider the world from another point of view. And in response to that argument, all I can really say is basically my favorite genre is children's films that have social commentary. (See The Iron Giant, Wall-E, The Little Prince, Megamind, Beauty and the Beast, literally any given Studio Ghibli film. All of these have something to say about society contained within them.) I kind of wish the Mario movie had an interesting point to make in that context, but it didn't really, and that's okay. That's just why it's not one of my favorite movies.

That being said, there is plenty to love. The character designs were absolutely adorable. The Mushroom Kingdom was more than I could have ever dreamed of, and the way Mario and Luigi's brotherly relationship played out was just so beautifully written 🥺 I love that this will undoubtedly expand pop culture's regard for Mario, and maybe draw others into my silly little corner of the internet where I just sit here and publish my fluffy Mareach fanfiction 😆

[tecpatzi]

Do you want to take a moment to be infodumped about my TF2 OC? (pls say yes)👉👈

YOOOOO Hi I’m not dead (yet)

College’s been eating me alive with homework, which hasn't allowed me to finish a single drawing or play video-games, not even sleep more than 4 hours haha (send help/j)

HOWEVER- However, I recently got an hyperfixation on TF2 and oh lord I love it, I could talk about it all day. I´ve been reading fanfiction, watching gameplays and SFM videos on youtube. I don't how could I've missed this fandom before iT’S CRAZY-

And like everytime I get so engaged on a fandom, I try to self-insert me with art, and then like everytime I try to self-insert me everytime, it fails miserably because the mf fictional interpretations of me start growing their own characteristics, differences and personalities and when I less expect it- BOOM, they´re a totally new OC with little to no hints of me in them. 

Sooo this is exactly how this OC I wanna present you today was born, usually I just wait until I have 2 or 3 drawings of them and then I present them with little to no explanation on social media, but since my current free time is not letting me do anything and I’ve been dying to infodump about them, I said “f-ck it we ball” and just straight up tell you guys what I have made of this new blorbo until now:

NOTE: Some of the things about this oc are a bit stereotypical about Japanese culture, I apologize and if something makes you feel uncomfortable/bothered about it, please let me know!

Like her name suggests, she is a chef, originary from Japan. The story I currently have for her now is that Miss Pauling temporally wanted to hire a cook to boost the morale on the base, and Chef enthusiastically took the job after being kicked out of cooking school, there was one problem tho

Chef only knows to cook one single thing and It’s sushi, like, if she tries making something else, that thing ends up transforming into some kind of sushi-like thing (Like sushi-getti, sushi-taco, even sushi-sandvich and sushi-cereal).

The team at one point gets sick of always eating sushi, but for some reason (I´m still thinking of the reason) they can't fire her from her new job so they just end up making her a new member of the team

Which is actually bananas because Chef comes from a family of ninjas (I´m still thinking on the lore of that too)

Also here's the thing, everyone on the team thinks that Chef is a man, she was about to correct them but instead she discovered she liked being referred also with masculine pronouns and being perceived as a man so instead she's just internally having an identity crisis figuring out her gender while keeping it a secret.

She's been trying to avoid medic for that same reason, she hasn't gotten her übercharge-thing surgery yet because then Medic would have to see her chest and her secret would spill out

(I actually doubt medic or any other member would mind having a woman on the team but still ohhh the drama)

She can throw smoke bombs that are made of wasabi, uses an Oroshi Hocho (A knife used to cut tuna) as a sword and can make a temporary clone of herself (I’m sorry if this sounds a bit like a Mary Sue I got too excited)

Chef is Aroace (‘Cause I'm aro and I wanted an aro oc to make me feel represented), she values A LOT friendships and platonic relationships.

She likes hanging out with scout bc she thinks he is simply goofy and hilarious and a funny idiot (ur honor they’re homies)

Annnd that's all I have of Chef for now, probably gonna be changing a lot of things the longer I draw her but uh, If you have come to this part and took the bother to read all this infodumping, I wanna hug u virtually and say “thank u” I really appreciate you <3

[timebeingtarot]

Hello there! :) How are you doing? I hope your week's going well so far. I've read your post on free readings and was wondering if I could please request for one if you're okay with it?

Question: What will my future spouse adore about me the most?

Thank you so much! Hope you have a nice day! 💕

- M.I. 🌼

when I look at these cards, the first thing I notice is the balance between energies in these cards. most obviously, one is upright and one is in reverse, so they are in physical opposition to each other. the color tones are also in opposition, with the chariot featuring cooler, deeper tones, versus the vibrant pinks, yellow, and sky blue of the princess of swords. the chariot is a card I associate with a more masculine energy in general understanding, and the princess of swords a more feminine one, but I would argue that in this specific deck the cards rely on this dichotomy less often and more frequently represent a more gender ambiguous or fluid approach to these cards, so I'm not certain I feel this dichotomy is relevant. the chariot imagery depicts a calm serenity, while the the princess of swords has a more active stance. all of this is to say, that your partner will appreciate the balance you bring. this could mean that you as a person are very balanced, that you have an appreciation for many viewpoints and interests, that you can bring a lot of energy when needed, but you can also be a stable support when needed. however, the balance could also be referring to your relationship with each other, that you are perhaps very different from each other on the surface, but share certain key values and factors that help solidify your strong bond and connection.

in my opinion, I think the second option I stated above is more likely the case. the reason I think this is because the two cards here on their surface look very different, but when you examine them further you start to understand their connection and what they share within. while the charioteer looks serene, it is because he has faith in the tools at his disposal to achieve his cause. this represents a person who is committed to charging ahead, who has strong self esteem, who is ambitious and open to challenges. this does not mean they are necessarily aggressive, but they are committed. the princess of swords is a card that I associate with wit and drive. similar to the last card, I also see ambition here. perhaps that is what draws you together. sometimes we say that the princess card is less experienced, but in my opinion the chariot is a card I often associate with adolescent tendencies, so I think this is not a sign of immaturity on either part, but more of a sign that you only at the beginning of your journey, you have so much more life to go and you are both invested in your own futures. on the more negative end, the chariot can sometimes present by being overbearing, inconsiderate, and may hyperfocus on one area of their life and neglect others. with the princess of swords, this person may be condescending, defensive, or cold at times. they may use logic as a defense against emotions they are not ready to deal with. these are areas that you may need to pay special attention to in your partnership with each other.

what I think this means for your question? your partner is going to love how deep of a connection you have. you are going to connect on a level where the really important parts of each of you just work well together, and it will feel stable and rooted. you will know you are with this person when you feel like you are safe to express your feelings without being punished or shutdown, and that you have faith that your partner will be responsive to your needs because they have shown you that over time. you will support each other in going after your passions, and they will admire how driven you are because it is something that they value as well. they will not like you in spite of the things you are nerdy or excited about, they will appreciate how invested you get in things. basically, they will like that you are both passionate people who are willing to follow their own path.

[lord-garmadon-somehow]

INTRO POST ~ ☆

This is the Garmadon-Specific FictionKin account of @zerr0xx and the general kin blog @zero-kins.

This account does double as a roleplay account, however, please understand that it's more than just me 'playing a character', I am the character I 'play'. Please keep that in mind.

Hello, my name is Zero/Eros, however, on this blog it would be preferred if you referred to me with the name Garmadon. I use it/its and he/him pronouns as this specific kin, with a preference for masculine terms such as dad/father, sir, mister, etc. Feminine terms are fine for memes/jokes/casual banter (I do this myself :]), G/N terms are fine for the same reasons as above.

I am 16-17 years old, which makes me a minor. That being said, one of my major boundaries is that, unless I am little, it would be preferred and appreciated for you to treat me as the young adult I am going to be. I am old enough to understand serious topics and treat them in a respectable manner, especially when asked. While I use shock and dark humor, I can read a room. As such, I expect you to be able to do so as well.

Other boundaries include; Don't make sexual jokes about me or towards me unless you are around my age (15-18), saying that I am attractive, hot, or any other complementary word that can be included in that category is fine AS LONG as you are referring to my kin. And there is also the usual don't ask me where I live, what I look like, etc.

DNI and Other Info is Under the Cut

FULL ON DNI if you fit normal DNI criteria. This criteria includes pedophiles, homophobes/transphobes/anti-LGBTQ+ in general, anti-age regression/pet regression/age dreaming/etc, anti-kin and all other types of kin that fall under that umbrella, etc.

I do not tolerate discussions around discourse of any kind. My blog is neutral ground, unless I bring it up, do not bring it here.

I am fine as well with interacting with Master Chen and Clouse Kins and Fictives, however, please note that I may be wary as I have negative relationships with both of those individuals; especially Chen.

Anyways.

My intentions are to post art, edits, songs that I write about myself (sometimes accidentally), and talk to other FictionKin and Fictives as well. Especially those who share my Media; Lego Ninjago. I am specifically a kin of a canon-divergent Garmadon from the show, but I do lean into the personality of Movie Garmadon at times. That being said, every so often I will lore-dump. Those posts will be tagged accordingly.

I can be found on Blusky, Ao3, and TikTok under a same or similar user; zerr0_x.

Tags:

#garmakin-lore; me talking about my canon memories.

#garm-art; my art, does not include mood boards and such.

#garm-edits; includes everything from actual edits to mood boards and collages.

#garm-rambles; me rambling about one thing or another, can be associated with #garmakin-lore sometimes.

#garm-tiny; any posts associated with age regression, pet regression, etc. + when I'm regressed. Swearing/Cussing in this tag is kept to a minimum unless I am commenting on something funny or angry.

!!~☆ This will be updated periodically if anything changes. I will attempt to keep this as up-to-date as I possibly can. ☆~!!

[eshasunrise]

As someone who appreciates drag performances for their relevance and importance in queer history, and always loves a good use of gender fuckery in art, I have always felt uncomfortable associating myself with drag. I don't disrespect it, and if I weren't in my specific circumstances, I'd probably join my parents in their love of it, and maybe even take the stage myself.

Unfortunately, as a trans woman who is very, deeply uncomfortable with her own masculinity, I can't safely be around a culture that, even if erroneously, is referred to by the vast majority of people as "men dressing as women." The idea of being seen as "a man dressed as a woman" is dangerous for me both psychologically, and socially. I could end up in serious harm dealt out by myself or others due to this notion.

Now, to be fair, this is explicitly personal for me. To others as a whole, embracing the extremes of gender performance can be fun, affirming, and healthy. In the company of friends and family, or with a group who I know respects me and sees me for who I need to be, I'll watch drag shows, read crossdressing manga, sing Lola, and make jokes about my own, sometimes comedically masculine features. But at the same time, I don't want to be the reason people go to drag shows, for fun or sympathy. I would love for drag to be a wholly indivisible performance distinct from my form of transsexuality. Unfortunately, drag has been a safe haven for queer and trans people for hundreds of years now, even when used against us. I can't separate drag from being trans, even though it's a form of gender expression that could get me hurt.

This is entirely due to, of course, sexism, homophobia, and patriarchal enforcement of conformity. The idea of being masculine as a means of control over others is baked in to how many people see gender today: as a matter of hierarchy. And when taken this way, some men will exercise violence on those they deem as threatening, namely, outliers. Men who love other men. People perceived as men who don't want to be men. Men who actively support more successful women. ANY woman acting in a way that can't benefit those few men specifically. Violence and oppression are codifiers in masculinity in many people's minds, as they have often suffered from patriarchal violence and oppression. This leads to masculinity outside of its pre-defined gender being viewed as a threat to others, making it easier for patriarchal figures in power to turn others against them, helping to maintain the oppression of as many as possible via infighting.

Effectively, people will use drag as both a bludgeon against trans women, and a shield against accusations of transphobia or sexism. This is why I'm so thankful that drag communities have been supporters and safeguards for queer people, even to this day. It makes me glad that, despite the rift between us, there is still support and care. I truly wish I could be more comfortable with drag, but being associated with it is not something I can safely or comfortably do, all because of those reasons people are hurt by the patriarchy and transphobia.

I've gotta admit I think about this one a lot for many reasons. I'd really love to see what others think

[the-dream-beyond]

Masculinity and Qualities of The Feminine with Connor Beaton

Nik Tarascio 

Today we're going to be hearing from one of the leading minds on men's work and masculinity. And for you men that are listening, if you're really open, stay open to it, you may have a little bit of an emotional experience on this one, it may bring up some stuff that you've been working through. And for women that are curious and say, Maybe this one isn't about me, it's really an opportunity to hear what I think a lot of us men go through and don't want to admit to ourselves. So I hope you really enjoy.

Welcome to the dream beyond. I'm your host, Nik Tarascio. I'm a CEO musician, an overall seeker of Truth, inspiration, and simply put, how to live the most fulfilling life possible. Growing up surrounded by extremely wealthy and successful people gave me unique and unfiltered perspectives of those who have seemingly made it through on the dream beyond we're letting you in on what it really takes to achieve your dreams. What happens when it turns out your destination isn't the promised land you are expecting? How to process the lessons from your past while mapping of course to true fulfillment. Let's get started.

Everybody today, I'm excited to have the founder of man talks with us. It's an international organization focused on men's wellness success and fulfillment. He's also a coach, a facilitator, a teacher, a podcast host and a speaker. And most of his teachings are based on young being young in psychology. Gestalt, there's a gestalt I never know which way to say it. Cognitive behavioral therapy, Buddhism and, and Taoist traditions, a lot of fancy words that are hard to say today. And again, just please welcome Connor Beaton. He's an incredible dude, thank you for being here with us.

Connor Beaton 

Yeah, man, thank you so much for having me. It's a pleasure to be here with you and to catch up and connect them. I'm excited.

Nik Tarascio 

Absolutely. And it's, this is a personal one for me too. Because, you know, you and I connected over a dinner a while back, I think it was at the Mavericks group. And they're after I think I connected to sad love to get a men's coach and I worked with someone on your team. And it just really helped me navigate what's turned out to be one of the more difficult things for me to solve, which I imagine is not so unique, right? Understanding that polarity of what does it mean to be fully embodied in the masculine? What does it mean to be in relationship with the feminine? And what about those two polarities within myself? So again, just really appreciate the work you do. And normally, when I open up, I talk about kind of what was the early dream. But I think today, because of the work you do, I'd love to talk about what your early concept of being a man was, like, your early concept of what, you know, the, the goal of my masculinity, when I grow up was going to be like,

Connor Beaton 

Yeah, I don't think like most guys, I don't think I really thought about it too much. Back in the day, I think it's one of those things that for most of us as men, we look at in hindsight, you know, there's kind of a reflection process that happens is we look at the, the sort of social conditioning, or the unspoken messages that we received growing up. And, for me, I grew up in northern Alberta in Canada, which for all the Americans, I always say is like the Texas of Canada, it's got lots of guns, there's a ton of oil, it's one of the biggest oil producers in the world. There's lots of big trucks, there's lots of country music, you know, there's bars called cowboys, except six months out of the year, it's minus 30. Right.

So that's where the discrepancy resides. But, you know, within that type of culture, there's a very, what I would refer to as a sort of one dimensional framework of masculinity, and what it means to be a man. And again, this, this isn't something that I was sort of aware of back then. But there was a lot of, you know, I played hockey, I played baseball, I played football, I played sort of all the sports and, and the commentary that I felt like I had to live into in my future was, be a good provider, make a lot of money become successful, do the things that sort of create the appearance of status of strength of power. And under no circumstances should you or should I show any real type of flaw or weakness. And so, you know, I did my best to try and live into that I developed a decent career, I was traveling the world I had this beautiful girlfriend. I had the toys, the motorcycle, the Mustang, although maybe that's not exactly maybe the Mustang isn't what a lot of guys want to go for.

But I liked that five liter you know, burn the tires out kind of thing. But I was also kind of searching because it it didn't feel really fully fulfilling. You know, it felt like it kind of lacked some depth. And I explored a number of different things yoga, a whole bunch of other traditions. But I think that was kind of the the framework that I thought I needed to live into that I needed to kind of build this life of success, of affluence of status of power, and that I needed to kind of do those things by hiding some of my weaknesses, how I was struggling, not really letting people know what was going on behind the scenes of my life. And I did that fairly well, until it really backfired on me. So maybe I'll just pause there, because I think I've sufficiently answered your question.

Nik Tarascio 

Yeah, absolutely, it does, it does very much bring to mind that I think most of us are unconscious about the things that we've taken in as the model that we're trying to build early on. And I know in your book, you open up pretty powerfully with the story of the turning point and the rock bottom moment for you. And I feel like people, you know, should pick up the book to really hear that in detail. But I'm actually curious about not your path, and maybe some of the people you work with, which is the winners, the guys that just win too much too early, and never have that moment in a parking lot where they're having to face the existential crisis. I mean, I'm in New York, right? So I see it everywhere I'm in while I'm in YPO, I'm in these networks of people that have just one too much in my mind, I'm curious to hear what happens when there's not the gift of the rock bottom on the other side of that.

Connor Beaton 

Yeah, I mean, you know, I've been fortunate over the last decade that the men that I, you, mentor of mine, actually, in one of my recent weekends, pointed out, the men that I generally seem to attract are the eighth type, high performing really successful guys, you know, they're the hedge fund owners, they're the top of their game rappers, and athletes, you know, Olympic athletes, I work with some really extraordinary men. And, and I've been very fortunate to do so. And for a lot of these men, what's interesting is that they've oftentimes had a tremendous amount of success in their life that has been, not always but quite frequently burst out of challenge that they experienced early on in life, and that they didn't really know how to deal with that people didn't teach them how to carry or, or work through, whether it was, you know, witnessing their parents divorce or experiencing some form of abuse or neglect or abandonment, you know, being adopted, etc, etc, etc. and the list can just go on and on.

And what that can build within us is this incredible strength that is gritty and resilient, and can achieve and can accomplish extraordinary things. But the byproduct of that, that I've seen within a lot of men is that what, what ends up happening is that we do a couple of things. Number one, these men will oftentimes put a sense of fulfillment, depth, meaning purpose, on the other side of accomplishments. And so they start to hedge. And they'll start to hedge and say, I'm not gonna allow myself to feel happy, fulfilled, successful, in this moment, it's going to be on the other side of closing this deal, buying this company selling this company, you know, achieving this, you know, this, this big accolade within my field.

And then they get there. And because they've hedged, so much of their worth, their internal value, their internal sense of fulfillment, and confidence on the other side of it can never live up. And so what happens if they get there, there is this kind of vacancy and hollowness that shows up in this moment that they thought was going to be tremendous. And then instead of sort of pausing and saying, Okay, maybe this, this mechanism that I've built within my life isn't workable is not actually producing the internal results that I want, they keep going that sort of double down, and they produce more, and they output more, and they build bigger, they build more faster, you know, etc. Until either at least, to some sort of rock bottom, or it alienates them in a really sort of painful way, where they don't feel understood, they don't feel connected, they don't feel a deep sense of love from the people around them.

And there's this kind of loneliness that starts to emerge in their life. And they'll start to seek it in other places, they'll start to seek this attachment, or this depth, or this fulfillment, from other things, right? Traveling excessively, you know, going on hundreds of IO, Oscar retreats, and just sort of immersing themselves in this constant, never ending cycle of psychedelics, but they'll start to look for this depth somewhere outside of them in the world, because that's what we're often told that we need to do as men is that we need to explore externally for a very long time to try and find something meaningful internally.

So hopefully, I've answered that in as directed way as possible. I think, you know, the, the side effects and this, this isn't to sort of downgrade or put down what these men do because the majority of the men that I work with, they are phenomenal human beings, they you know, they have accomplish some truly remarkable things where I'm just in awe and wonder of like, Damn, how did you do that, you know, but sometimes the side effect of that is that they've had to sacrifice family, they've had to sacrifice friends, they've had to sacrifice a sense of internal worth, or meaning, or value, happiness. And so that's sort of the byproduct of what they feel like they're often missing.

You know, like, I'll give you an example of, I've been working recently with a few men that are within the music industry. And one is in one of the largest heavy metal bands and the other ones a very famous rapper, very different life's, you know, very different upbringing, very different careers. But at the core of what both of these men are dealing with, is that both of them has success, very young, you know, they hit it in their early 20s, they really started to crush it. And one is quite a bit older, you know, he's in his late 50s, early 60s, and the other one is in his 30s. And he's still trying to grapple with it. But despite the fame, despite the accolades, the accomplishments, both of them have come to work with me, because they had thought that by achieving and accomplishing that they would create some type of depth and meaning within their life.

And after winning all these awards, and selling so many records, and etc, etc, that thing that they were still hoping to feel is missing. And so that leaves us with a big question mark of like, well, why the hell does that happen? You know, why is it? Like, is it a lie that achievement and accomplishment? Is unfulfilling or unrewarding? Probably not, you know, like, there's some very real benefit and merit in achieving some great things. But there's still something missing. And so maybe I'll, I'll pause there, because I feel like I gave a good amount for you to sort of pick on and decide where we go next.

Nik Tarascio 

Yeah, and I mean, one, I love what you're sharing. And it's, there's so many different lenses to look through. And I think the place I go, because I believe I was probably one of those people in many ways, not at the level of like a heavy metal superstar, or rap star or something like that. But in my own world, I felt like I had justified where I was at, and when someone would try to reflect back and be someone I care about, were would reflect back on, hey, I think something's off. And I'm like, but look at all I've done, like I and I wouldn't say it that way. But my system would reject the invitation from the outside and say, No, you don't know the path I'm on you don't know my calling. And so I am wondering for people that are in that, how do we interrupt the pattern? How do we bring in that awareness? What are some of those signs that maybe were like someone's listening and saying, is that me? Or is that not me? How would I even know where I'm at?

Connor Beaton 

Yeah, I mean, there's a couple different things like in the Carl Jung and his framework, you know, and I think this kind of applies across any real therapeutic modality or most spiritual modalities. But Jung said, you know, the first step in the therapeutic process in any sort of psychological training, or development or expansion, right, if we were wanting to expand ourselves as men, as leaders, in whatever capacity we're wanting to expand ourselves in, the first step is confession. So the first step is actually beginning to, to circle near the territory of admitting that maybe something's missing, missing. And that that's, that's actually quite challenging.

You know, if you're a man who built a tech company at the age of 20, or 22, and you built up this, you know, this really substantial business, you you employ hundreds of people, your the your vision, and your dream and your hard work and your ethic, has now built something that's paying for the lives of hundreds of people, and producing a product that is supporting 1000s, or 10s of 1000s, or millions, to admit that there might be something missing internally is a very hard thing to do to just to just say that out loud, you know, or even to just come into contact with the sensation physically, because it might not be a rational thought. And we in our Western culture, specifically within our within the male population, I would say within the masculine portion of our population, we over index the rational mind way too much. We give it way too much credit. We have burdened our rational minds and our logical minds with trying to solve every kind of problem under the sun.

And they're not meant to sort through emotional challenges. They're not meant to oftentimes even come to a conclusion or or create a repair within a relational challenges. So like Einstein had a great quote where he said the rash Your mind is a faithful servant. And the intuitive mind is a sacred gift. And we've created a culture that honors the servant of the rational mind is forgotten the gift of the intuitive mind of our sort of gut intelligence. And so what I usually say to most men is, you've probably felt something deep inside of you deeper within you, whether you want to say, deep within your psyche, deep within your mind, your heart, your soul, your body, whatever language you want to put to it, you felt something that's just in the background, like, there's this uneasy sensation, you know, there's this disconnection, some guys will describe it as a numbness. Some guys will describe it as a void.

Some guys will describe it as an emptiness. Some guys will describe it as a sort of discontent. But however they describe it, there's this connection to, something's missing. And so really, the first sort of step is just can you be aware of that part? And it's not that we're going looking for a problem? I want to make that very clear, right? We're not trying to like, hunt down like, am I am I fucked up? Is there something wrong with me, you know, like, that's not what we're doing. It's just can you be courageous enough and brave enough as a man to say, I felt that, you know, I have, with all the success with the millions of dollars that I've made, I have felt the void, I felt the emptiness. I felt that accolade like I remember, this is a couple of years ago, it was working with quite prominent lawyer. And he had built out this incredible, incredible business and was worth a tremendous amount of money. And we've been working together for about a year and a half.

And for a year, at a time that we've been working together, he'd been working on this big deal that was essentially going to double the revenue and the income of his business. And it was going to sort of put him at the top of his field, and yada, yada, yada. And he had been talking about how excited he was, and you know, what he was going to do with the money and private jets and all this kind of stuff. And, and I'll never forget, after it happened the day after it happened, you know, the day it happened, I got a text message. You know, I fucking did it. It's amazing. It's so cool. The next day, I get a call. And I look and I see, that's him. And I pick up my phone. And he's on the other side. And he's like, so the deals done? Uh, huh, congratulations. And I was excited in the moment yesterday that it finally got accomplished, because it's a years worth of work and effort. And I know it's big logistically.

But I don't feel anything internally. I actually feel more empty than I did before. And my response to him was, okay, great. What do you want to do about that? You know, what do you want to do about that? It's great that you're acknowledging it? Are you ready to work with it? Are you ready to talk about it, because what he started to realize was that all of this accomplishment, all of this busyness for him than this isn't everybody in general. But for him, a lot of the the extra work the extra building that, you know, the Empire that he was trying to build was in avoidance. It was an avoidance mechanism of the hollowness that he had felt internally.

And he had been running for a very long time, from certain parts of his past his childhood, his previous marriage, the way he treated his kids. And when this sort of monumental accolade came into place, he couldn't help but be struck by the internal experience that he was left with. And I think that this is the case for many of us, that when we reach our peaks, is where the truth of our life starts to emerge. And this is why I'm so fascinated by working with men who are in these positions, because it's oftentimes when we, when we hit the goal, you know, when we get the gold medal, when we achieve, you know, pulling in the venture funding, or the, you know, a round investment, or we sell the company, it's in these moments that we've been working towards, for a very long time, where the reality of our life really shows itself.

And, and sometimes it's not the reality that we're hoping for, but it's the reality that we have, and we can either continue to run from that, or we can stand and face it. And for the majority of men, they haven't seen a model of what it looks like to say, shit, this isn't what I want what I was hoping or expecting to feel. Maybe I should get some support. You know, maybe I should explore what this is. Maybe I can slow down enough to kind of make try and make sense of what some urging in me, and in my life that maybe needs to be tended to, versus this continual rise and obsession with building and expansion and you know, everything else, every other sort of word that we want to put in place for that. So those are just some examples

Nik Tarascio 

What I really feel there that came up again, just as you're talking. I obviously see a lot of myself in the stories. And it was almost that the more externally successful I was, the more I felt I couldn't verbalize when I didn't have fulfillment, because it was almost like Wait, who you have everything like you have everything a person could want compared to the majority of people that have ever lived in all of existence? How dare you have a negative experience of that, you ungrateful bastard. Right, right. And so I felt like it just gets like it, almost the clamp gets tighter. And then I felt that I couldn't verbalize that to anybody else.

But it is interesting, it's, then the solution is, well, I guess I just have to make the live bigger to myself. Because at least if I can make the lie bigger to myself, I could push through. And maybe there is some truth that on the other side of the billion dollar exit, I'll finally feel like enough. But you know, again, I think that's the plight that I find, I find so interesting. And it, you know, kind of transitions to the question of, I feel like, this is the gift of the polarity of a partner. And, you know, again, for I know, for, for many men, it's a woman for, for many men, it's just a feminine, right, it's just like a feminine energy and another person, I've spent a lot of my life resenting and resisting the feminine polarity, I found it to be an inconvenience, understanding that I was living in that rational mind, right, and the idea of someone bringing in emotions and a rationality and just Well, I feel this way, why, I don't know, I just feel this way.

I'm like, you're making me crazy, it doesn't reconcile through the filter. So you know, that kind of opens up to me into for men that have struggled in being able to truly be in relationship with the feminine and not go through that hedonic cycle of it's novel. It's exciting. She thinks I'm amazing. Wait, this is not great. Gone. Next one, next one, next one, and so forth. I'd love to kind of hear more about people's journey in relation to that, or maybe even your journey and in relation to the feminine.

Connor Beaton 

Yeah, we'll just, I mean, it is infuriating, sometimes where our feminine partners, so the women in our lives are bringing us their emotions, and they're saying, I feel this way. And we're like, But why, and we're trying to figure it out, rationally. I mean, that is just an infuriating cycle, you know, and so I just want to acknowledge that. And I also wanted to acknowledge what you were talking about before, which is sort of like this comparison that we do. You know, I've had all this success. And so I should be happy because I have it so much better than other people. You know, I'm so much more fortunate than other people. I've worked so much harder than other people.

And we've kind of all heard the saying, you know, Comparison is the thief, thief of joy. And that's true. But I think that comparison is also the thief of healing and wholeness, that the fulfillment that we seek, the depth that we know we're capable of creating within ourselves in our lives, is nearly impossible when we're stuck comparing ourselves to other people.

Why didn't have it as bad as John, you know, his dad did X y&z to him, or, you know, my life doesn't look as bad as Ted, because look what's happening with his wife and his kids. And so I got to be, you know, I just got to be super grateful. And so we kind of put the blinders on to our own human experience, by degrading our own human experience, through the lens of comparing it to another's and saying, Well, they have it worse. And in some ways, it's a it's a bullshit cop out mechanism in because it's the people that you're comparing yourself to our friends. You're both doing them a disservice, you sort of disrespecting them, disrespecting their experience, not understanding their experience.

And you're, you're, in some ways disassociating from your own, you know, you're getting to say, Well, mine's not so bad, or I should really be grateful for it. So I just want to put that out there. Because I think, oftentimes, what we do in order to avoid the hardship of our own life, is we compare it to another's. And, you know, in my book, The first line is a man's work begins with pain. And I wrote that specifically, because I think that how we as men relate to our own challenges, our own suffering, our own hardship, speaks volumes about who we are.

And for many of us, we haven't been taught how to deal with that part of ourselves. And so we either do two things, one, we act from it, which a lot of guys do in their relationships or you know, in their business and they become volatile and aggressive and you know, hostile and they yell and they cost us swear, fuck you, I can't believe you do that, or whatever that looks like, or we completely shut it down. And we try and stuff it deep within ourselves, which adds to the vacancy that we feel internally. So that's just a side rant. Thanks for attending my TED talk. I'll answer your other question more directly now, which is our relationship to women in the feminine. Jung had a great quote where he said, women stand at the edge of what a man knows about himself.

Women stand at the edge of a man shot or where a man shadow begins. And so in many ways, what I've talked about, and I'll share a little bit of personal experience here, but I'll also sort of just talk generally about the our relationship to women as men. What that means is that we we don't often understand women, and the feminine, and our need, our drive, our desire to try and figure them out, is the problem. It's the behavior that we need to move away from.

Because we, we as men are often very external, right? We like to look at things outside of us, figure them out, try and fix them, try and solve them, try to build them try to improve them. And we do that to the women in our lives. Right, we look at our wives, and our girlfriends, and the women that were that we're dating are like, let me try to figure you out, we try and solve your problems, let me try and fix you let me try and improve you and improve your lives. And when we do that, we're fucked immediately, because we don't actually see who that woman is.

And what she receives is, you don't understand me, you don't love me, you don't accept me, you don't embrace me fully. You're trying to alter me or improve my life or change who I am, or change my behavior, or you don't like when I'm emotional. And so when our partners get upset when the women in our lives get upset or angry at us, or sad because of something that we've done, our natural reaction as a man, if we're living in our head, in our rational mind is to say, let me solve that for you. Let me fix that for you.

And that's not what they're needing or wanting in that moment. So to sort of turn this back around our relationship to women, reveals what we don't know about ourselves as men. Okay, so what do I mean by that, because that might seem like a vague statement. I'll give you a very clear example. When I was in my 20s, I was a massive womanizer, loved women, love pursuing them love getting with them, I'd be in relationships, I mean, I lacked a lot of integrity, I would be in relationships, you know, be in a relationship with a woman and I'd be pursuing women outside of that. I like dating them, I like sleeping with them. I mean, they were really, they were kind of like my drug and distraction of choice. And the whole time that I was with them, that I was with women, I mean, I I'm married now. So I'm still with a woman.

But the whole time that I was in that kind of pursuit, one thing started to become very apparent. The more that I liked a woman, the more I felt drawn to her, the more that I wanted her in my life. The more that I felt myself, craving her validation, and craving her recognition, right her to acknowledge me, the more I wanted to succeed with her, and win with her and get it right with her. And what it was revealing within myself was that I was insecure. I was very insecure. Because I didn't have an internal framework of recognition. I didn't have compassion for myself, I didn't have a framework of being able to validate myself.

And to be honest, the way that I spoke to myself internally was borderline disgusting. You know, it was abusive. The way I talked, the way that I used to talk to myself was harsh, and demeaning, and self deprecating, self deprecating. And I would say things like, Oh, what the fuck is wrong with you? And how could you do that, and he's such a stupid piece of shit, and bla bla bla, that was the way that I spoke to myself. And so when I would get into a relationship with a woman that I really loved or cared about when I wanted her to get close to me, because I lacked this mechanism of internal compassion. And because I lacked this mechanism and the skill internally of self recognition and self validation, I began to seek that from the women that I would date, I needed them to give it to me, right?

And so we as men do different versions of this some men when they're with a woman, it will reveal exactly what it revealed for me, right, that they that they're missing validation that they're missing a sense of, of confidence that they're, you know, they're they feel sort of insecure underneath the surface, or what will be revealed is that they are deeply afraid of being loved. And so when they're around a woman, and the closer that woman gets, the more that woman wants to be with him, the more fear that will start to emerge within that man.

And he'll start to sabotage and push her away. Because he doesn't feel worthy, because he doesn't feel like he has value or because he feels on unconsciously or out of his core, like he's going to damage or harm that woman. Because he doesn't have a healthy relationship with his own feminine qualities, but his own emotions, with his own grief or sadness with his own anger with his own sense of compassion, with his own sense of self validation. And so he'll push her away actively to try and quote unquote, protect her. So I'm going to pause there, because I think I said, a good amount. And I can see that there's something present for you,

Nik Tarascio 

Ya know, you landed on my story at the end there, which is, I've recently come to terms with the fact that I was a very soft, creative, cuddly loving kid. And when I was in that mode, the other kids used to kick the shit out of me, is they were like, and they literally call me a pussy, they'd be like, Oh, look at the Plessy let's go beat him up, right.

And so it was interesting to see that I actually saw my feminine qualities at times as a weakness, like that inner soft part of me that was emotional, wanted to connect, and got along with the girls, you know, it was like I was in first and second grade that way. And so I think I immediately saw feminine as weakness, stuff at down rational robot become an alpha type that models the other boys that are going around beating people up. I never became a bully in that way.

But it was more that I've only recently come to understand that I saw the feminine as weakness, the high end. So when I severed from it, I resented it. Because it was that was what got me beat up. And that is ultimately why I ended up presenting all of my partners. So it's a really interesting thing to see. You kind of hit the nail on the head. And I've only recently drawn the lines that got me there. And I imagine for a lot of people that comes from so many different places, and I was resonating with that internal voice that where does that come from? Where does that like? What are you shithead? What's wrong with you? Like, Well,

Connor Beaton 

Can I can I speak to that from Oh, yeah, that might be helpful. Yeah. So we'll just this is the inner critic, what we're talking about, right that, that voice inside of our head, that's when we can give it multiple names, right. And the judge, the critic, the commentator, right, whatever feels the most aligned or real for you just use that label, right. And the label is less important than its function. The inner critic is a very interesting heart, especially within men. And for a lot of high achievers.

What I have noticed over the years is that they will oftentimes use what I call dark motivation to try and accomplish their goals. So dark motivation, another way of putting it is shame based motivation. So I'm trying to achieve in order to prove somebody wrong, those bullies, I'm going to fucking show them. So I'm going to become somebody that's so competent, and so alpha, and so successful, that it will protect me from ever experiencing that type of pain again, and that becomes our driving factor. And that can be beautiful and brilliant for a little while, right? It can really, you can accomplish some shit with that.

But eventually, the problem with dark motivation and shame based motivation, and I've seen this time and time and time again, with us as men, is that it reaches a point where it has a net negative impact on us physically meant mentally and emotionally, where it starts to become more draining than it is generative. Where the no matter how big the results are, that we're producing in our career, or in our business, or financially, or within our relationship, that we either don't believe the results that we're that we're getting, right we don't, we don't enjoy them, we're not able to celebrate them. Or we're just left with this emptiness, right. So that dark motivation is based off of shame, I don't want to feel shame.

And so I'm going to try and achieve greatness to prove somebody or something wrong, a story that I have about myself, a story that I have about business or the world, you know, trying to prove myself to my father trying to prove myself to those bullies. That's dark motivation, that shame based motivation. And eventually, that shame based motivation will start to consume us from the inside. And it will start to require that we drink more, or smoke more weed or numb out more or watch more porn or do more Coke or hire more prostitutes, right or whatever it is. And so the price that we pay for it eventually is that we can't sustain that type of shame based motivation. Why? Because we're not fucking recognizing ourselves. We're not validating our selves. So it doesn't matter how great the achievement is, we're not left with the nourishment and the sustenance that is supposed to come along with the achievement. Right, when you achieve something you are supposed to, to metabolize some kind of nourishment. psychologically, emotionally, spiritually, physically, right, you're supposed to receive something.

And if you're just producing results, and building businesses and achieving goals, out of shame, there, there's no nourishment in that eventually. And so eventually you have to, you start to eat yourself on the inside. So back to the inner critic, back to this, that maybe we can return to dark motivation if you want. We will, but this inner critic, what I've found to be true, so I'll use myself as an example. My inner dialogue was like abusive, you know, it was really, I would get super angry when I would do something wrong when I would screw up in my relationship.

When I would screw up in my career. Immediately that part was just like, I mean, it was on me it was like a tiger just waiting to pounce at any site or scent that I have done something wrong. And that would be raid on liquid the pucks wrong with you, how could you do that for proper proper, you know, it start picking me apart, and then I would feel more agitated and more aggressive. And I didn't know how to deal with that. And so I would eventually take it out on people around me, you know, I'd be more controlling at work, more controlling as as a leader, you know, I'd be harsher in my relationships and keep people at a distance. And what I started to realize when I did this work probably 1012 years ago with a with a mentor of mine, he was in his mid 70s.

And he had spent years training in Union psychology and I apprenticed with him. I was fortunate enough to spend, you know, two and a half years apprenticing with this man and learning these modalities. But he said, one simple question that really screwed me up. Because they fucked me up, it really fucked me up. He said, who does that inner critic sound? Like? Whose voice is that? And where did you learn it? And I first I was like, Well, I don't, I don't really know. And he said, Okay, well write down everything that your inner critic saying on a piece of paper. And I do this exercise for my clients all the time, because it's so impactful. I said, he said, write down all of your, all the statements, that you can remember that the inner critic says this, okay, so I write them down. If that's wrong with you, you're such a stupid piece of shit.

You know, I'm like reading these things out in the car to him. This is this is brutal to read, you know, this is brutal. Look at it. Okay, who said those things to you. And immediately, I realized that all of those comments I had heard from my stepfather, every single one of them, wow, every single one of them. And so I was carrying on this legacy of a man who had been verbally and emotionally abusive to me. And the truth that most men don't want to come into contact with is that their inner critic is a legacy of somebody in their life, who was harsh, or abusive, or so overly critical that it was damaging to them. A critical mother or a hypercritical father that they can never get anything right for.

Or, you know, in some cases, it's their voice that they created, because they weren't living up to the expectations of who they thought they needed to be for their father. Right? Some guys have this, you know, larger than life to have that they're like, Oh, my God, he's so amazing. He's so incredible. I just want to be like Him. And when they don't, they beat the show to themselves. Right? So but all of us have a legacy of where that voice came from, and getting the touch with whose legacy have I been carrying? Carrying on? You know, is it one of my parents? Is it a sibling? Is it a coach that I grew up with that was just brutal on me? You know? And do I need to continue that legacy? Or can I shifted? Can I begin to let go of that and speak to myself in a way where I can still get results without punishing myself?

And this is the last thing I'm going to say out and I'll pause. That's the type of discipline that most of us men have learned is that discipline is a punishment. That in order for me to be disciplined, or feel disciplined, I need to punish myself, because that's what we learn as young boys, right? You step in a line, you're angry, you do something wrong, right? You push back with one of your parents, you get punished. That's that's the tactic that that most young boys have experienced. And so when they get older, and they're trying to be disciplined in the routines and their habits in their mind frame in their mindset, how they do that is by trying to punish themselves. I got that wrong. Well, what should I do? I should beat the shit out of myself to make sure that I don't do it again. And again, that tactic might work in the interim, it might work to lead you to a certain place, but eventually it's going to have a net negative result.

Nik Tarascio 

Yeah, I mean, that's a big unlock for me. I've never, I've never held that thought that most of the ways I try to get myself to do things, is like an angry gym coach. It's unreal. And I'm like, no wonder why I fall out of habits like that when I'm like, like, for example, fitness is a really big one. For me, I want to make myself get into a physical fitness routine. Like I hear so many guys say that to me. And it's like, no, what do I don't want to do, because I'm just yelling at myself the whole time inside, like, be better, be stronger, look better naked, like what's wrong with you, you know, like, it's, you know, it's just like, wow, this is not this is not loving at all. So that's really interesting. And it does perfectly tee up. The next point, which is, again, I've guitars on my wall behind me, for those that are not seeing the video.

As a musician, one of the incredible things I've done is I thought I had to be the martyr from my heart. And so I always thought that I had to suffer and create from dark energy, so the only energy I ever knew, and as soon as I heard, like, hippie music and happy shit, and like, you know, those Lifetime movies, I was like, who makes this crap, who feels happy and then creates anyway, because at that point, I feel like I would have no motivation to do anything. And so I'm really wondering, for those of us that are often feeling like we have to suffer to create, we have to be these malcontents to make the world a better place. I'm wondering where your creation force comes from? Or as you support these artists that you're talking about? Have they been able to tap into light energy? What does that even feel like? What is it because that is one of my life goals is to truly be able to create as equally beautiful things from a place of light and love.

Connor Beaton 

Yeah, well, I appreciate the question. And, you know, life, life's hard. Life is suffering. You know, if you look at the Buddhist tradition, or the Zen tradition, it talks a lot about suffering being an inevitability and a part of life. And so it's not that we want to ignore those things, I think that the tendency that some people have is to kind of spiritually bypass on the other side of this right is to just avoid suffering entirely and just light love and rainbows. And I mean, that's, that's just as false as the other end of the spectrum. But one of the things that I found to be incredibly helpful is to look at things from a generative standpoint, right?

So am I creating or wanting to build this habit, I'll give you an example. I turned 40 in November. And my goal, my mission is to be in the best shape of my life by 40. And so I built this gym in my home. And I've been working out four or five times a week. But rather than saying, I hate the way my body looks, or what's wrong with the need to go a train, or any of those other things, my mission is towards something generative, something positive, right. So rather than saying, I'm doing this, because I don't want to look like this, I'm saying I'm doing this because I want to move in this direction. Here's how I want to feel, right, I want to feel strong, I want to feel competent, I want to feel like I can do muscle ups on the rings in my basement, the gymnastics rings, right? So we move ourselves away from I am doing this, I'm trying to produce these results, because I don't want to feel this way.

And we move towards a I'm doing these things because I want to feel this way. And we start to shift our attention towards I want to feel grounded, I want to feel healthy, I want to feel positive, I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror, and enjoy the body that I see. Right. And so we start to shift our lens of focus towards away from what we don't want, and towards what we do want what we want to create. And there's some great work in positive psychology by a woman named Carol Dweck, who wrote a book called Mindset. And the book focuses on exactly what we're talking about, which is fixed versus growth mindset. A fixed mindset is essentially another term for dark motivation, right?

I'm doing this because I don't want to feel this way. I don't want my body to look like this. I want to get away from how I feel or how I look or what my bank account looks like. Versus a growth mindset or light motivation says, here's how I want to feel. Here's what I want to pursue, here's what I want to create. And here's what I want to generate. And when we can do that there is an internal psychological shift, where we're not trying to get away from something we're trying to move towards something. And for a lot of men, I've noticed that this is sometimes challenging. And maybe this is, you know, me and some of the men that I've worked with, but I think that many of us have been taught that we that we need To suffer, and we need to struggle in order to sort of prove our worth.

And, you know, you certainly will suffer and you will struggle in life that was just sort of a given. But choosing the suffering, right, doing the cold showers doing the cold plunge doing the workout, from a place of what you want to build. And what you want to create is a much more generative process that allows you to free up some space for recognition, for validation, for fulfillment for joy for reward, where you can say, Look, I'm creating and building the body that I want the routines that I want, right? So the light motivation actually requires that you recognize yourself along the way, that you recognize what you're building, what you're creating, what you're doing, who you're becoming, who you're doing it with.

And that that, in and of itself, is a part of creating this, this wonderful way of being where self recognition is sort of baked into the process.

Nik Tarascio 

That makes a hell of a lot of sense. I mean, as I hear you saying it, I am thinking about the fact that is usually almost like pushing off the side of a pool, but I'm pushing off the negativity, the rejection of self versus pulling into the possibility of what can be and being really excited about that potential.

Connor Beaton 

So I can I say one more thing about that? Anything, I interviewed this, I love neuroscience, like I'm kind of a geek around how the brain works and how the body works and how the nervous system works. And I, I interviewed this guy, years and years and years ago, his name was Beau lotto, and like, what an interesting name Bolado. But he's like one of the leading neuroscientists when it comes to change, and how our brains are actually wired.

And I'll never forget, we were talking about how the brain is wired. Instead, your brain is wired, as a pattern recognition machine. So your brain is literally designed to try and recognize patterns in the world and then assimilate based on a couple foundational criteria. Number one, are you safe? And number two, can you choose patterns that are going to keep you safe? Now, why is it important, because the known is safer than the unknown. So our brains are desired to are designed to keep us safe. And to avoid change. They are literally designed and wired to avoid change. Why? Because most of the time, we don't know what's on the other side of change. We don't know what's going to happen, when we lose the 10 pounds, we don't know what's going to happen, when we put the effort into building the body that we want, or whatever it is, whatever we're looking to change, right, maybe you're looking to have a deeper level of intimacy and sexual connection with your wife, your girlfriend or your partner, that's probably going to require a good amount of vulnerability, that's probably going to require a good amount of open conversations and dialogue where you talk about the type of sex or roleplays, or, you know, whatever it is that you're wanting to experience.

And we don't know our rational mind cannot predict how those conversations are going to go, how the experiences are going to go. And so what does it do, it tries to convince us to move back towards what we know, the dysfunctional relationship, the unhealthy conversations, the shitty sex that we're having, etc, it pulls us back to the known, even if the known, is abusive, is unhealthy, and is what we don't want. So we have to work sometimes against our our instinctual nature, for comfort for safety. And we have to venture into the unknown.

And this is the one thing I really want to emphasize. This change requires you as a man to choose consciously to walk into the territory of the unknown. To say, I don't know how this is going to go, I don't know how this conversation is going to go. I don't know if selling this business is gonna go well, but I know I need to let it go. I don't know what's on the other side of it. I don't know what it's going to look like for for me to let go of it. But I know intuitively I know in my gut that this is the right decision for me to make.

And when we can begin as men to choose to face the unknown each and every single day, and B and all of it and find a wonder in it. And to practice that. We actually sharpen ourselves in many ways to how we relate to the feminine, because the feminine is the unknown, the feminine as we see it is very chaotic. It's very sporadic. We don't we don't understand it. Oftentimes, we want to control it, right. We want to temper it. We want to fix it. We want to organize it and create order out of it and make it structured, right?

And so of how we practice being, I don't want to say better but more efficient, more grounded with the women in our lives more grounded in our relationships more grounded with our own feminine, is we practice choosing to accept the unknown to say, I don't know how this is going to go. But I'm open to finding out. And I don't need to spend so much of my time and effort and energy and rational bandwidth, trying to simulate every possible outcome that could potentially happen, running myself into the ground, trying to trying to figure out what's going to happen, when I can just allow it to unfold and see the data and the information that emerges out of the unknown.

Nik Tarascio 

Man that is powerful. That is powerful, the idea of truly embracing the unknown, being okay with it not kicking and screaming, you know, think through, obviously, a lot of the people that I speak to are, you know, business owners, business leaders, people that own jets generally are entrepreneurs. And I see, despite the success, the amount of kicking and screaming we do, as we lean into that, like, this isn't what I wanted to have happen. And it's like missing the gift in that moment of uncertainty. Instead of seeing like, there's some gold in there. And in fact, I don't I just really saw for myself last year, the more I could sit in the chaos and the uncertainty, and just metabolize it within my body and let it come out as like a nugget of gold. I just really hold that in my heart as my invitation for myself to tap into my masculine.

And I think a lot of what you said validated what was kind of just an intuitive experience. There's so much you said, your that is magic. And I do want to turn it back to you before we wrap and I could talk to you for days, man, I feel like you just have so much wisdom to offer. I'm just grateful to have been able to watch your journey over the last couple of years. And here's, you know, you're this guy who's at the top of your game, influencing people from every corner of the world in every walk of life. You've got this, you know, going amazing family and and what do you wake up dreaming about? What's the dream beyond for you now.

Connor Beaton 

You know, I think it kind of ties into what we were talking about before is that, with all of those things said, there are still a lot of unknowns in my life. And a huge part of the what I would suggest to use your language to dream beyond is for me, is to continue to, to the best of my capacity and my ability to make decisions that are going to lead me closer and closer to the type of authentic life that brings me a depth of fulfillment, and joy. And challenge that, that lights me up. Because if I can be a walking embodiment of what it looks like to be a man who is present to the hardship, to the obstacles to the the authentic expression of who he wants to be, that, to me is a deep sense of purpose.

And so I think the dream beyond is continuing to write, which I have really found to be very confronting, and very challenging, but also deeply and richly rewarding. It's spending more time in nature, you know, I have a 22 month old son, and bringing him camping, you know, and taking him out into these excursions in nature. And I think the real, the sort of big dream is to, you know, I could talk about turning man talks into the number one organization in the world for men, or I could talk about having my book be the number one for men, and all of those things are meaningful for me that, you know, I'd be lying if they if they weren't. But I think the big thing for me is, is bringing men back into contact with the strength and beauty of who they are walking them back home, into their inner kingdom within themselves.

And doing that out in nature. There's something very primal that I think that we've disconnected from as men, as we've just moved into cities. And so a lot of my work, I'm focusing more and more about bringing men back into nature and to do some of the work that we've been talking about in person in nature, you know, amongst the trees with the bears off in the distance, or the lions or wherever the hell, you know, can take men in the world. And so that's, that's the that's the big dream.

Nik Tarascio 

Well, if you mean it in a literal sense, Sign me up. That sounds absolutely incredible. And I think on behalf of all men, and the women and children that interact with them, I'm just really grateful for the work that you do. And thanks for continuing to be a guide to I think something most of us have lost the way back to and you know, again, for anyone that Listening. There was so much here, it's so rich, I'm gonna have almost a hard time summarizing, but I do think the stuff that really stands out for me is the find a way to embrace the uncertainty. Really listen to that inner voice and decide if that's the voice you want speaking to you or guiding you, and if not make that change.

And ultimately, I think where we started was that idea of first acknowledging that we need some help. We need some help. And maybe, you know, maybe we are experiencing emotions that are true and correct and not trying to stuff those down and say my rational mind refuses to reconcile that, that you know, reality, just to be more compassionate, loving to ourselves, and I think women can teach us a lot in that. So I really appreciate the time today, please go check out Connors new book men's work A Practical Guide to face your darkness and self sabotage and find freedom. I'm currently diving through it right now.

And he's the one who spoke it on the audible so I appreciate the way you speak man. It's super common to hear you, you know talk with such confidence and power and courage of your own story. And again for everyone. I hope this was a really rich podcast experience and Connor thanks again for all your time.

Thank you for listening to the dream beyond. I hope that you receive whatever message or inspiration you are meant to get from today's episode. I had a great time recording it for you. If you love the show, please take 30 seconds to subscribe rate and review it. That really helps get the word out. And if you want to connect with me, you can find me at:

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[demonslayedher]

Hello hello, Senpai!! How are you doing? I hope everything is going well for you! ^^ <3

I just have one question for you (though it might be a bit long for you to answer, so I apologize in advance 😅): could you please analyze the names of all my babies the Lower Moons (+ Kyōgai)? I tried doing that myself to potentially find out more about their powers or what the origin of their namesake is, but since I'm still a beginner in Japanese and I don't have/know of that many resources yet, I felt like asking you would be the best option.

We don't know anything about the Lower Moons that Muzan himself killed, except for their appearance, their names, and their order in the Lower ranks, but despite this I grew attached to them (especially Mukago 💝) and would like to be able to bring more love and attention to them in the fandom. Because everyone always talks about the Upper Moons and they forget about my poor children in the Lower ranks 💔

I'm sorry for the lengthy ask, I got a bit carried away 😅 But thank you in advance if you decide to answer this!! Take all the time you need with this and all your other asks, and I hope you have a wonderful day/night!! 💖

I feel like Muzan would follow that old meme and be like, “I love all my Lower Moons,” and check the handwritten notes in his palm and just be like, “…Rui.”

But let’s do it! Let’s give each of these Lower Moons, as well as some honorable mentions (we love you, Kyougaaaaiiii) some love and dive into their names! Yahaba: 矢琶羽 Dart-Lute-Feathers, I love how catchy this name is (with 矢 clearly being the operative “arrow” meaning, though I wonder if Nakime dislikes him edging in on her lute thing). It often goes forgotten that Yahaba had tastes for staying clean and tidy, which goes to show that the demons were all possessed of their own complex personalities and had richly detailed lives of their own before those demon hunters came in and chopped their heads off. Like how he and Susamaru chatted and became friends while on the way to finding the boy with the Hanafuda earrings? That’s adorable. Also, in Kimetsu Academy, he famous runs a tofu shop and I love tofu so I hope his family’s business is going well. It’s so innocuous and I feel like the innocuous sides of Yahaba should be appreciated.

Susamaru:  朱紗丸 Vermilion-Gauze-Round/Ball, another catchy and wonderful collection of good name kanji.  The color reference starts her off with name full of vitality without crossing quite into the glowing reds associated with Red Blades. That 紗 is one that does get used in real life as a gentle complement to rest of the name when parents are looking for a ‘sa’ sound with an auspicious number of strokes to write it (though it’s the stroke order of the entire name typically taken into account), but concluding a name with 丸has distinctly old-timey masculine feel to it. As she presents very feminine, even on the hot edge of Taisho fashion, I love the juxtaposition. That said, in Kimetsu Academy, Susa become her very refreshing sounding last name while 丸 becomes a very cute, feminine personal name when left on its own. It’s also cute because it's the part of her name that has the most personal significance for her, as when she was a human, her father bought a toy ball for her and it remained important to her when she was a demon.

Kyougai: 響凱 Sound/Reverberation-Victory Song. A name that big goes to show how high Muzan’s hopes were for you, Kyougai! And seeing as he was inspired by the epic “Satomi Hakken-den,” Kyougai wanted to write a story that was just as big, with expansive world-building and deep allegory. That being said, Kyougai was totally more of a sensitive Hans Christian Andersen at heart, huh? Being so absorbed in his idealistic dreams for his literature, Kyougai even used a literary personal pronoun often reserved for written form (Literature, gotta be one of my favorite genders), and with his perpetual pouty-face, I can totally see him laying face down in a more successful demon’s yard to cry about how Muzan only likes him for his drum skills instead of his writing skills. (That demon was probably Nakime, and she was probably just as peeved as Charles Dickens.) Kyougai is so sensitive and deep in his literary fantasies that he was ultimately defeated by how moved he was by the literary symbolism of Tanjirou avoiding stepping on his written works, a kind demon slayer who takes heads because he must but will not trample on a demon’s heart. Also, might I say how sad it is that he’s the music teacher in Kimetsu Academy, probably because he still can’t make it as an author!? Kyoooouggaaaaaiiiii!!

Nakime: 鳴女 Sound (anything from an echo to birds chirping to a ringing noise to a honk)-Woman, doesn’t seem very creative on the surface because clearly she is a woman who works with sound (and is clearly more talented at it that Kyougai, get wrecked, is what she’d probably say to him if she bothered saying any more than necessary to the other demons). Muzan might had thought he was clever for this one, though, because ‘me’ is also the same sound as ‘eye’ (目). Maybe he even called her that at first, until she gave him stone-silent response, so instead of being embarrassed for being overly basic he chose to say it was written with the character 女 instead, because duh, she’s a woman. The name had nothing to do with her face. EDIT: HOLD IT, WAIT UP. @lalunaticscribe rightly pointed out that this was the name a pheasant in Shinto mythology, which totally forgot about. Although it can be writing in different ways for "crying out woman," this was a messenger sent by the heavens to Amewakahiko, who was supposed to be doing the heavens' bidding but had put them on read, essentially. The pheasant was supposed to check up on him, and he literally shot the messenger with an arrow. The arrow went all the way to the heavens, the heavens were alarmed, but still wanted to give Amewakahiko the benefit of the doubt, so they threw it back saying, "well, if he's guilty, it'll strike him, if not, it'll miss" and it struck him and he died.

Hairou: 佩狼 Wear (a sword)-Wolf. Muzan must had known he was a Shinsengumi, as they were called the ‘Wolves of Mibu’ (an area of Kyoto they policed). Hairou had a complicated relationship with swords and how ultimately they lost out to more powerful guns, which he relies on after that. He can’t totally forget his affection for swords, though, as the Taisho Secrets Hirano-sensei wrote into the Rengoku Gaiden state that he collects things like handguards from defeated enemies’ swords. Tokens of his victories, nothing more!! He doesn’t admire swords, okay, he’s fine with guns!! Gunpowder is way more effective that silly swords! Nevermind that his name still implies he’d wear one!

Kamanue: 釜鵺 Iron Pot/Kettle-Nue (a Chimera sort of ghastly beast). Given that name, fresh new Lower-Moon-Six might have had the most interesting potential for a stand-off with Kamado Tanjirou, as the hearth (kamado 竈) and iron pot/kettle heated over it (kama 釜) are closely associated. Perhaps he could had been yet another character foil to Tanjirou, another former humans with family ties to working with fire and heat? If he had those orange streaks at the ends of his hair as a human, could he also had been a Kakushaku-no-Ko, but not auspicious ever happened to him and he was forced to take the path of a demon? What’s even more interesting is the ‘Nue’ part of his name, as these were fantastical creatures who plagued the nobles of Kyoto, cursing them with illness by their presence and requiring Heian era demons slayers to go hunt them down. It’s classic and I would had loved to see how that might play into Blood Technique. Was he a shape-shifter, perhaps?

Rui: 累 Continuity/Involvement. This was a name given to him by his parents, who probably wished to keep a healthy baby boy involved in their lives for a very long time. Ouch.

Mukago: 零余子 Nothing-Surplus-Child. Mukago really does leave the most impact for her character design, doesn’t she? It’s the classy symmetrical horns that do it for me, but it’s the feather/fur boa that totally seals the deal. As Muzan called her out for always avoiding strong demon hunters, I get the sense she could be pretty wily with who she choose to target or how she chose to slip away. As for this name, though, the jarring juxtaposition makes me think she’d have had very strange and unusual Blood Techniques, perhaps flirting with the divide between ‘existence’ and ‘non-existence.’ I have no idea how that would work, and her victims probably all regretting finding out.

Wakuraba: 病葉 Sick-Leaves. This one makes me curious, as Muzan probably didn’t like associations with illness. However, taken as a whole, perhaps it was in reference to blight. Were his abilities something that could spread and kill a large number of people in a given area, or did his Blood Technique spread through trees to slowly poison people through the water or attack directly with poison leaves and an evil root system throughout the forest (I wrote that into a fanfic, haaa)? He’s got a pretty unassuming appearance, wearing a kimono pattern used a few times throughout the manga, and only one simple scarf for accessory, but the scars on his face keep him from being able to blend into a crowd. How’d you get those scars, man? What is your story? Did they remain from your human life, something that no amount of demon regeneration can ever erase from you?

Rokuro: 轆轤 Potter’s Wheel/Pulley. Now this is an assuming character design. That’s totally a craftsman’s attire for working in his studio, crouched over a spinning pottery wheel all day. What was your Blood Technique, sir? Did it astound victims for how they never would have suspected you of anything, much less noticed you? Is it like a spinning mechanism, full of potential for a truly horrendous death, or do you trap victims under giant interdimensional tea cups? Does Gyokko hate you for this and want you to stop stealing his shtick? Also, the facial hair makes me think he was a Meiji era human, as it was back in style then. That would make him not a terribly old demon, at his oldest, a bit younger than Hairou (whom he replaced as Lower Moon Two) and the Hand Demon.

Enmu: 魘夢 (To have a) Nightmare-Dream. Muzan wasn’t feeling very creative that night but it does have a nice ring to it. Had he been promoted to an Upper Moon role like he hoped, maybe a name change would had been in order, like “The Enmu Express.”

And good luck with your studies! While a language cannot be learned with dictionaries alone as all languages are contextual (Japanese especially), I do use a collection of different dictionaries when I do translations (even if they pull from similar sources), as they may present slightly different nuances or methods of look-up or examples. ALC (aimed at Japanese speakers, extensive specialized vocab and examples, albeit not well explained) Tangorin (my favorite for overall user-friendliness) Weblio (aimed at Japanese speakers, has more of a human touch than some of ALC's weird examples)WWWJDIC (the handwriting tool usually works well) JapanDict (when Tangorin fails me due to slow loading)

[chichiscloset]

I'm currently healing from a breakup and i'm v thankful to have stumbled on your tumblr. My only goal right now is to nurture my soul and be kind to myself until im back to being myself again. I'd like to know if you have any book recos that I can read around the topics of feminine energy/self-worth/selfcare?

Thanks for being such a good soul ✨

Hi love!

Thank you so much for the kind message!! You’re so sweet 🥰 I have 2 of my favourites books that have changed my life & level up journey for the better.

These books can be found online in a PDF version, available at your local bookstore & for purchase on amazon. I've placed the link of the books directly to amazon so you can check them out yourself

1. Feminine Lost-Jennifer Granger🌸

Feminine Lost explores the premise that all human beings are constructed of two energies, one masculine and one feminine. With the rise of the feminist movement, many women have migrated to their masculine side, some to the extent of losing access to their feminine side altogether.

As a consequence, men have found their way to their feminine side. Honestly.. i'm half way through this book and it's been the best investment i've made this whole year! a real eyeopener!

**Feminine Lost breaks through the misunderstanding of what it means to be feminine; it is not an outward appearance but something far more significant.**

2. The Goddess solution-Lisa Marie Rankin🌸

I really enjoyed The Goddess Solution. To me it was part fun read, and part self-help. I used to think of a Goddess kind of like a Diva. But after reading this, I understand that a Goddess is more a person who takes charge of their situation. I almost waited for the audio version because I do most of my “reading�� in that format.

I am really glad, however, to have the hardcover book. I feel it will be easier to go back and reference when needed. I recommend this book to anyone who can appreciate life’s challenges and is open to improving one’s situation. Or just as a fun read. I really liked the format of presenting each Goddess by category and what can be learned from them. I plan on giving this book as gifts.

Thanks to the author for opening up and sharing her very personal stories, so we can all learn from her experience

~Chichi xo