#I'll update this post as things happen. I'll probably forget about this in a month.

[arthur-lesters-real-gf]

HIYA THERE !

I'M KAYNE! WELCOME TO MY BLOG!

He/Him . It/Its . Blood/Bloods

This is NOT roleplay. I'm here to post my own art and reblogs that are malevolent based.

Asks are encouraged, any kind and any sort. I'm curious about what you wanna say!

I am a fictive, but I will not be discussing system things on this blog (at least not often).

I am the host of the Lost Carcosa system . We have OSDD-1b + AuDHD + NPD + more . We are bodily 18.

This blog will not be censoring things such as gore and some triggering topics. This is your warning.

DNI : Endos/supporters , LGBTphobe , fetish blogs , believers of "Narc abuse" , anyone who will treat me like source , etc. I will block as I see fit, just be nice.

Reiterating that I will NOT be censoring gore and horror related content. I will tag accordingly, but if you follow me, and suddenly see a post about cannibalism you don't like, know i warned you, please leave me be. I do not encourage crime, but this is a horror fiction podcast, let me have fun.

Feel free to send in any kind of ask you want. No rules just dont sexualize me directly, but be as simp-y as you want for source Kayne!

Tags I plan on using :

#kaynes yaps - random textposts

#kaynes diary - gay ass drawings of mine

#kaynes collage board - Reblogs!

#kayne and his waif - i am . a fag . simple.

#nyarlasks - Asks n such

#Piano keys - Music suggestions cause im autistic.

[salemssimblr]

My Top 24 Screenshots Renders of 2024!

I was tagged by the so many lovely mutuals and creators! Thank you @elderwisp, @savagemagician3, @sikoi, @blvckentropy, @mosneakers, & @azeterna! I love yall so much!

I'm so sorry, despite my very best efforts I couldn't choose just 24, so have 30 instead 😅

Looking at all these together, I'm worried I may have plateau'd just a bit 😅 No but in reality, it's really cool to see that I've refined my style and methods over the year, starting in January and continuing it all through 2024. Seeing progress and improvement is one of my favorite things about this process, so doing these recaps is always enjoyable.

January:

Looking back, I'm still so proud of the first dancing set of renders for Ariss & Vasily, and who could forget the first Alice sighting?? I can't, look at her.

February:

February was a bit of a slow month for me but I still love how this A+tM album cover came out!

March:

March was a bit slower, but I love this set of Ariss (:

April:

April was a goood month, I'm still so in love with all three of these.

May:

MerMay was lacking for me a bit this year, but I really love how my contribution turned out (: & this spicy render of Ariss & Vasily is one of my favorites, if for no other reason than his little fang peek.

June:

June was all about Alice + the Madness! & like LEGIT? I still can't believe I made this Rolling Stone cover? I have a secret, I've tried to make another one for Alice, but nothing has or probably will ever look as good as this one so I've given up lmfaoooo

& this render of Erisande was such a labor of love. I sat down and said it'd be really quick and then spent hours editing meshes and adjusting the lighting... but then, that always happens with me and "quick" renders 😅

July:

Bit of a slow month, but I'm still so floored (& happy!) about the love Millie has gotten! This isn't even a completed render and it's one of my most well-received posts to date haha, but I can't blame anyone, look how cute she is.

August:

Ramping up into spooky season we have two of my favorite renders of all time, my "bog demon" and mothwoman! As obsessed as I am with Ariss and Vasily, it's really nice to do creative one-off renders and these were both SO FUN to do. I hope to do more in the new year too (:

September:

This iconic portrait of Ariss will always be one of my favorites (& is actually my computer's wallpaper rn, but a version updated with her 'new' tattoos), & this render of Kai could definitely be improved on (maybe in the new year...) but it was a really fun challenge! I do see flaws in it now but that's growing and learning!

October:

October was (not surprisingly) a very busy month for me! The idea for the render of Theo & Millie had been rolling around in my head since I first created them, & while the end result wasn't exactly what I was envisioning, I still really love how it turned out.

& though this set of renders for Ariss & Vasily took me FOR-FUCKING-EVER, and I see a lot of flaws even now (after trying my damnedest to have NONE), I still really love it. The end result/edit/colorway was NOT what I planned but I really fell in love with it.

November:

November, the month of ambitious scene-building, pose-making, and upping my skin shader game in a BIG way. I spent literal hours perfecting Ariss' new tattoo, and literal days building the scene for that gorgeous render of Kai.

& I'm so glad yall love that pose set! It was definitely a learning experience and a labor of love.

December:

Looking at this overview, December has been dark and spicy lmfao but I actually love it. Once again, all of these took wayyyy longer than I thought they would when I sat down to start them, but I'm genuinely in love with all three!

& that's a wrap (so far) on 2024! I'm having surgery tomorrow so not sure I'll be able to create/post anything else this year, but I have big plans for 2025! So stay tuned (:

I'm tagginggggggg @kuroashims, @a-m-pyra. @acidheaddd, @gothoffspring, @pralinesims, @thebramblewood, @moonfromearth, @nepotisim, & YOU, I want to see all your creations!

(There were a LOT more creators I wanted to tag but I saw yall have already done this!)

[matan4il]

Daily update post:

Yesterday, the IDF managed to prevent an independent Palestinian terrorist attack, by killing the would be terrorist on his way to execute his plan. Based on the type of weapons that were found on him, had he managed to carry out the attack, there probably would have been a lot of fatalities.

Also yesterday, the UN Security Council had an emergency session to discuss the UN report on the sexual violence of Hamas on Oct 7 and since (with the hostages). This was thanks to Israel asking several countries to request this session, and the US, the UK and France obliged. Believe it or not, more than 5 months after the biggest massacre of Jews since the Holocaust and the single bloodiest day in the Israeli-Arab conflict, that was the FIRST time that the UN has met to discuss what happened to people in Israel on that day. Let it sink in that the UN has discussed earlier and more frequently the situation in Gaza, than the massacre that started it. And that the UN still doesn't consider Hamas a terrorist organization. Israel again asked for this to change during yesterday's session.

Remember how I wrote about Yussuf and Hamza al-Ziadna, 2 of the 3 Muslim Israeli hostages, still held in Gaza after more than 5 months? Well, yesterday at the UN, Ali al-Ziadna, Yussuf's brother and Hamza's uncle, confronted the Palestinian ambassador, demanding to know why the Muslim Israeli hostages have not been released to fast and pray during Ramadan, as all Muslims should get to, and how could Hamas call themselves Muslims... (I'll just correct one thing he said: while Hamas released 23 of its 32 Thai hostages without asking for anything in return, but as part of the November 2023 deal to release the Israeli hostages, 9 Thai citizens are still in captivity. I do not want anyone to forget these men, they must be released and reunited with their loved ones, too)

The BBC has already been accused by members of the British Parliament of being institutionally antisemitic. Now, it seems like the British broadcaster is insisting on further proving those accusations right, as its head chooses to defend the BBC's use of an unsubstantiated witness account from a "journalist" known to be working for Iran, and who has in the past praised terrorists killing Israelis (his testament matches Hamas' narrative) regarding the stampede incident in northern Gaza. But, you know. Good on the Jews and the Jewish state for controlling the media. *eyeroll*

This is 58 years old Rami Davidian.

He's a farmer from moshav Patish. On Oct 7, he got a message from a friend, asking Rami to save his kid, who was at the Nova music festival, where today we know was the single deadliest scene of all the place Hamas attacked during the massacre. Rami went in, and saved the kid and 12 others in his vehicle, while also directing others to moshav Patish. This led to more people hearing about it, and calling Rami as well, giving him details about their loved ones, and asking for his help in rescuing them. Rami went back in, again and again, to an active shooting scene controlled by murderous terrorists, for hours, and he kept getting people out. Once, to save the life of a young girl, he approached the terrorists, and speaking Arabic to them, he lied that he's a Muslim Arab like them who came to warn them of nearing soldiers, and that they must flee, leaving their victim behind. Rami didn't know this, but on that day, many actual Israeli Muslim Arabs were murdered by Hamas for "working for the Jews," which the terrorists claimed made these Arabs even worse than the Jews. But miraculously, the lie worked for Rami. Once the IDF arrived and Rami was no longer needed to save the living, he helped with the identification and bringing to burial of the dead. After everything he had done for others on that day, risking his own life repeatedly, 2 days ago Rami gave an interview, and said that it's the survivors of Hamas' sexual violence who are the real heroes. Thank you for everything you did and who you are, Rami. Together with other people who risked themselves to save others, whether Jewish or not, you are gibor Yisrael (hero of Israel).

This is 19 years old Itay Chen.

He's one of the Israeli hostages that in the past 5 months, I have heard his parents speaking about their fears over not having gotten a sign of life, and hopes for his release countless times. As Itay has an American citizenship, they even personally met with Biden to plea for their son's life. Today we got the announcement that he had in fact been murdered on Oct 7, and it's his body that's being held captive by Hamas. I have no doubt that Israel will still do whatever it can to get it back, and allow him to be brought to kever Yisrael (Hebrew term for Jewish burial. Literally: Israel grave), and it would even release convicted terrorists to make that happen (it has done this before), but obviously the "price" for a living hostage is higher, not to mention that the thought of someone alive and suffering in captivity comes with a greater psychological pressure and urgency, so Hamas intentionally and cruelly let his parents spend months not knowing, hoping for what Hamas already know was impossible, fly all over the world, and beg for something that no one could give them. I just have no words for this type of ruthlessness.

May his memory be a blessing.

(for all of my updates and ask replies regarding Israel, click here)

[misc-obeyme]

would u consider obey me a dead fandom?

Um. Nope. I sure wouldn't.

If there's anybody out there who thinks Obey Me is a dead fandom, I would say they're probably confused about what a dead fandom actually is.

I think an argument could be made saying that there is no such thing as a dead fandom. But I'm going to assume you mean that fan content is at an all time low.

Friend, I have been in fandoms where the content was like... you get a fic or two every year if you're lucky. This for a media that hadn't put out any new content in decades.

Obey Me? I get an average of five asks per day about Obey Me. I can queue 10 posts per day about Obey Me. I still average over 800 notes a day on this here Obey Me blog. In the past few months, we've had new artists and writers joining the community and posting their Obey Me fan works. The game is still active and updating. There are two apps even.

So no, I personally would not consider the Obey Me fandom to be dead by any means.

It's certainly been more active in the past. I'll never forget the surge of activity that happened when Nightbringer first came out. My Solomon fics seemed to double their notes over night lol.

But we're also in a bit of a lull right now because we aren't getting new chapters. Every time an event happens, there's another burst of activity. And then things die down just a little before they surge again. That's the nature of fandom.

Another common fandom thing is people coming and going. I've been here for almost two years, but there are others who have been here for four. And then there are some people who've only been in the fandom for a couple months. And then there are the people who were here at the beginning, but have since moved on. Maybe they only stayed for a few months before moving on. Maybe they're only casually in the fandom, dipping in now and again. This is also just the nature of fandom. There's no right way to do it. And it doesn't reflect on whether a fandom is alive or dead.

Hell, we even have plenty of discourse and toxic stuff in this here fandom, too. More of that when there's nothing else to do, I think, which is unfortunate, but also kinda... just part of fandom.

And all of this is just how it is on Tumblr. I know there are active Obey Me communities on Twitter/X and Instagram, too. I'm just too old and tired to maintain that many socials. I actually have accounts on both of those apps but I rarely use them.

And lastly, I'm a big proponent of being involved in fandom no matter how active the community is. By this I mean, if I still have an Obey Me hyperfixation in ten years when the apps are closed down and nearly everybody else has moved on, I will still be here posting fic. Because I won't leave a fandom until I am ready to move on from it, dead or not. (Sometimes this can mean you are one of the few people still creating for said fandom, but you might be surprised at how many people will still enjoy what you create.)

[studentbyday]

week 3: let's get this bread! (famous last words...)

Omg I can't believe it's only week 3, sm has happened, I swear more time has gone by than actually has 😅😮‍💨🙃 Starting this week feeling a little discouraged because I still have a backlog of schoolwork to catch up on, but let's see if I can get my hopes up again by the end of this week! 🙏🏻🤞🏻If I want to achieve my goals, I need to drastically reduce my screen time. Here's to only using my phone for essential communications and for music, guided meditations, and pilates/yoga videos this week! 😤

mid-week update: this week has been a f*cking mess. mentally, emotionally, physically, existentially. i have not touched the db course so far which was my main goal for this week...every week i'm trying to add something new. i had my reservations about keeping on my original plan for this week, knowing i ended the last one still behind on school, but i went ahead with it, wondering, hoping if it was at all possible. well. we'll see where i'm at by the end of this week. at the very least i'll be closer to caught up.

end-of-week update: posting this early so i don't have to on sunday. i'm making progress but it's still slower than expected. insomnia is a problem. my nerves feel pretty frayed. must find ways to decrease the stimulation. time to reinstate the no-phone mornings (probs should add to my “bingo”) and a social media detox... not sure if i'll have time to post again next week. i find it hard to keep up. i'll probably come back if/when i get things under control...so bye for now (and i sincerely hope your semester is going better than mine 💗) 👋🏻

Academics:

Check and send pathology assignment!!!! ✅

Confirm immunology discussion due date!! ✅

Watch documentary on Wangari Maathai ✅ (glad i did this first thing on monday after sending the path assignment because it was really inspiring and lifted my spirits enough to keep going 💗)

Meet for pathology assignment ✅ (2 members in my group are like...really high-energy and gung-ho. i'm glad cuz that means it's a lighter load for me but woah was that overwhelming at first 😅 and the thing is...these guys aren't the first i've encountered like this. and i'm low-key jealous of them... they're the kind of people who give off the aura of “i'm capable of doing it all” because they're that driven...and based on what i've seen of them, i don't think they're faking it.)

Read all assignment descriptions for global health before you... ✅

Email chosen essay topic to TA by Thursday ✅

Finish M1 pathology by Wednesday ✅

Complete pathology M1 case questions

Finish half of M2 pathology by Sunday

Start pathology M2 case questions

Finish half of M2 global health by Friday ✅

Finish half of M3 immunology by Sunday

Finish M2 microbiology ~ (made some progress but not finished)

Start M3 microbiology

Participate in global health meeting ✅ (wasn't bad but also...not sure when this happened but i've gotten quite nervous speaking up in class and then in my overstimulation, forget some of what i had intended to say, ughhh just gotta keep practicing...)

Complete immunology discussion ✅

Send other pathology assignment ✅

Complete global health discussion ✅

Health:

Meditate x1

Journal x3

Yoga x2

Cardio x1

Pilates x1 (the first time i made it through a 30 min class in one sitting whooooo!!!!!)

Other life things:

Change bedding

Laundry

Music in My Head:

andante spianato et grande polonaise brillante

study music // 1 // 2 // 3

a strange playlist for strange people

piano trio no. 4 in e minor, op. 90, b. 166, “dumky”: i. lento maestoso / ii. poco adagio

pavane op. 50

Things I'm looking forward to:

end of the semester

the height of autumn

christmas

My not-bingo bingo (thinking I'll recycle this every month lol):

[zundamind]

wow, would you look at that! it's been a full ass year since you fucked me over! september 29th.... yeahh..... XD our fuck-you-versary! hi clifford!

in case you dont remember, the name piko might jog your mind. yeah thats me!! hellwo!! honestly you shouldve known better than to stick with your old username but hey props on you for changing it last minute! almost didnt find you for a second lolll!!

i wanted to drop in and say HEY! HELLO! HI! and give you some status updates :3

update one: i'm getting better!! no thanks to you, of course. and actually i should say we're getting better. yep! thats what happens when you suffer so bad your brain cant take suffering solo! XD

update two: while my mental health has been at an all time low ever since you fucking dropped me like a fucking ROCK, ive been getting over things lately! my clean streaks are now longer than a week! i no longer want to kms! im even making friends again!

update three: while both of the above statements are true, you still live in my mind rent free. i remember when i first stumbled across your blog a few months ago, i had a full on spiral! not anymore, though. i am STEEL, BABY! also you spinning in the mental microwave rent free is why i'm sending you this heartfelt ask!

man.... even when i try, i still find you somehow and its never intentional. like imagine scrolling the tptm tag only to be straight up jumpscared by your ex best friend's username! how embarrassing!

also i'm sorry but i have to say the reason(s) you left are sooo fucking stupid..... what, cus i was weird? come on. everyones a little weird. even a little deviantart weird. oh and because of some stupid opinions that shouldntve even mattered if you were actually a friend? get real, trey. what if i left your ass because you had a fuckin biting kink? that wouldve been funny actually. like making a sad callout post on twitter thats just "my friend left me because i wasnt vanilla enough!" XDDD

oh, and if you ever see your "stalker" again, assuming you're not thinking its me and that its actually your previous qpr or whatever the fuck, say hi! i find it funny as FUCK, since, you know, you were considering cyberstalking me at one point. and tell chaos i said hi too. i'd also mention mayu, but do you two even keep in touch anymore? probably not, considering the weird things she's done.

anyways thats the end of my relay. if you dont want these kinds of asks again, i suggest either turning asks off or just straight up deleting your tumblr and/or making another one that is NOT connected to any username youve used in the past, because in that case i'll just find your ass again lmaooo. remember! every year on this day will be the day i remind you that you are NOT allowed to stay sane X3

sincerely, your most hated, piko. (i hardly use my old blog anymore, so have fun finding my current blog! and do what you want with this ask, make a callout post, scream into the ethers, reply to it, idc.)

this should stay private but idc

i know what i did was wrong piko! i was 12-13.

dont take this as me excusing myself. i had horrible emotional regulation back then, ive healed from everything back there. you dont deserve to be called out because ur like. 14-15.

do not bring mayu or chaos into this,weve all healed and forgot abt you.

i overreacted bc of very worthless things because i was basically obsessed witj you, you were my fp, if you didnt know.

completely forgot you even existed, i havent been checking your profiles at all in months. you shouldnt either, please forget about me. you'll drive yourself crazy.,

if you think im going to "cancel" you, no im not. for your sake, please dont interact with me anymore. i apologize for how i acted over stupid things, but we were both young and idiotic. im also a system, i dont even remember half of the things you did bc of that.

move on. ive moved on, weve all moved on.

dont bother yourself with me, you dont need to.

[mayimkjs]

FOOL's MATE Update Post #5

Master Post　　Last Update

School Date: Fall, Term 9, Week 1

Haven't done much this month. Mainly just house keeping stuff. Most of the changes to the research doc have been made in the past week because I wanted to have this update out on the 6th.

Obligatory happy birthday to our favorite mentally ill twink. I'll be adding today's timeline to all of the documents that it needs later today. So It wont be in today's research compile. I'll give a little bit of what I think here though. I find it interesting that it's John who's in it and that he's still playing the monster act. I'll make a full post about it soon.

I was also watching Akidearest's newest video which reminded me that I should probably define what Japan counts as murder. So I wrote up a quick slide that takes what she read off of an article about if writing in the Death Note counts as murder. I'll expand it using other and more appropriate sources soon. I just want to have that slide and those ideas down so I don't forget about it.

Pre-Pro Mode

I have officially started my Pre-Production class. I'll be posting work that I do for that class whenever I have it done. The main assignments for the class, in order of due date, are the project proposal, budget, scripts and storyboards. I have the class Tuesdays, so these posts will likely be on Tuesdays.

Prototype Intro

Here's the finalized prototype intro. There isn't any audio in this version. There was audio in the version I turned into my teacher. I would have had to cut some things out and the timeline got messed up somehow, so I just rendered a different comp that contains everything that I wanted to render.

Promo Video

I've started to make the first promo video. I wanted to have it ready for Mikoto's birthday, but that's obviously not happening. So now my goal is to have this done for Double's anniversary. Here's the storyboard.

Changes

Added

How did he not get caught

General Music Info

What in Japan counts as murder?

English Covers

Finished

Vocal styles

Expanded

Birthstones

The Role of Jackalopes in MILGRAM

Links

Mikoto’s & John’s Speech Patterns

Moved

The Kayano System in a Musical Context under Mikoto’s & John’s Speech Patterns

Links

Research Doc (Comments on like always)

Milanote

Reddit Post

Feedback Form

Commission Form

Volunteer Form

[bilightningwhumper]

Happy New Year 2025!!!

Making this post over here rather than on my main blog since most of my goals/plans have to do with my whump writing, lol.

First off, thank you everyone who tagged me in the holiday community posts. I did my best to reply to all of them in the same energy, though I think I missed one or two? Either way, it means a lot that y'all like and appreciate me as much as I do all of you. <3

Gonna be a long post, so it's under the cut

Now, to the plans:

Most of these have to do with "Belonging to Nightmares" so here's the masterlist in case you've either not seen the updates or somehow missed me rambling about it, lol.

-For January, I'm mostly prepping for February writing, so I'll only be posting one or a few drabbles, no schedule planned for when. But they'd be for the Year of the OTP 2025 event. [Poll for February prompts here] for anyone interested! Delaying my previous plans to do the Living Weapon Year of Whump Tropes since I just didn't have enough figured out for it to do them justice.

-February, oh dear, I have so much planned, lol

As I've said in other posts, I'll be doing Feveruary 2025, evenly dividing the prompts between Minna and Kyrie. That's all set and planned, though I'm still fiddling with some of the prompts as I made a few accidental repeat plans. But they'll be fully sorted before I start writing!

Febuwhump 2025 releasing their list yesterday also inspired me, probably surprising no one with how much my audhd effects my writing brain, lol. I'll be doing the same as Feveruary in that the prompts are divided between Minna and Kyrie evenly. However, unlike Feveruary where I'm doing all the prompts and alts, Febuwhump will be just the main days and swapping a few of those prompts for alts. (ie, I just can't do "eaten alive" because I'm not one for cannibalism and it also made me think of something else not whump related but that's not relevant to the event, lol) As of last night, I've already finished dividing and sorting the prompts, plus written down relevant notes for them.

In one of my other updates, I mentioned doing some of FluffyFebruary 2025. For anyone that didn't see it buried in an update post, the parallel story for "Belonging to Nightmares" is getting some work. Basically, I'm filling the prompts like this: there will be a drabble a week where I look at prompts 1-7, picking which fit together for my idea, leave the rest out, post drabble on day 7, onto 8-14, pick and choose, and so on and so forth. Since I'm not inspired by 100% of the prompts and multiple can fit in one idea I have for the MCs, that's just how it works best. Still unsure what I'm going to call Sydney, Cyrus, and Dianna's story, but you know, I have a month to figure it out, so there is that.

Then of course there's the Year of the OTP 2025 prompts (poll linked in January section), so a lot to look forward to!

-March, planning on taking a break/taking it slow, similar to January. Mostly because there's an event that happens yearly where I work that gets insanely busy. Like, almost New Year's Eve busy, but less loud music and it lasts for nearly half the month. So, yeah, needless to say, I'm basically only planning on doing Year of the OTP 2025 for that month and that's it.

-After March, I've no idea what I'm doing other than getting chapters and planned drabbles up for "Belonging to Nightmares". I still want to get something up once a week, so I'm doing my best to plan ahead and write whatever notes or bits of scenes I can rather than saying "eh, I can do it later" and then forgetting to do it at all. There'll probably be more events and things I'll want to join in with, so I'll give updates as things go on.

Since there's no taglist for "Belonging to Nightmares" yet, I'm mostly just writing it for myself and sharing it into the void and just being happy at the few likes and reblogs I've gotten for my pieces so far. I'm sure there's some shy secret fans out there because I was one for others, so just saying right now, thank you and I appreciate you!

Other writing goals:

-Finishing some of those Bingos! I posted Bingo cards I got ages ago but during the October stuff I joined in, all those got put to the side. Luckily since several prompts match some ideas to "Belonging to Nightmares", I think I'll be changing my original plans for the Bingo cards.

-All my other stories are put on hold for now. I'm just not inspired or motivated for them at the moment. And forcing myself to write when I'm not inspired just burns me out and makes me frustrated, so I'm less inclined to even touch it again. Much apologies to anyone who enjoyed them so far. Chances are I'll put up new things for them throughout the year, but I'm not making promises if I'm not sure I can keep them. Though I do plan on at least finishing the Flufftober 2024 prompts I left hanging, hopefully before October comes around again.

-Properly sorting what has been finished, like the AI-less Whumptober 2024 Ao3 collection work and Angstober 2024 Tumblr and Ao3 stuff. A lot of what I have to do for that is staring at a computer screen and doing repetitive back and forth that just gets me tired and bored, but the work has to be done at some point.

Side goals:

-Commenting and sharing more of fellow writers. Sharing things myself and slowly getting to know more of the community has made me appreciate everyone here so much and I want to share the love! Even just a little bit means so much to me, I love making others day just by emoji spamming my emotions in their stories, especially because I genuinely enjoy what's been written and can't wait for them to make more

-Extended off that, making more friends? I have a genuinely hard time reaching out and opening up. Half because of "stranger danger internet" still so ingrained in my mind despite being close to 30. The other half because audhd and poor ability to keep contact since for me, no time passes, but for someone else it's been a month plus. Those things, plus I'm awkward as hell and don't want to intrude or bother anyone, lol. Easier in person because half the way I make friends irl is by sensing or seeing the fellow bookworm/neurodivergent in the room and just sitting next to them for parallel play/interaction. Bit hard to do that online. Gonna try though!

-Reading more of my books. Like, actually reading and finishing them. I used to read a book a day or within a couple days, depending on how big the book is. Now I get distracted, be it because of life or staring at a page for 10+ minutes because I got caught in a daydream of my own characters. But seriously, I set up a reading goal last year on Goodreads to finish 12 books, in theory 1 a month, and I finished 7. 4 of those being in the last half of December. So yeah, no more half finished books that I put to the side to start reading something else or whatever.

That's all I can think of off the top of my head. So, Happy New Year, can't wait to see if it's better than the last!

[yeowangies]

Blood Stains

CHAPTER X: If I bleed you'll be the last to know

❧

PAIRING: Raditz/F!Reader RATING: Explicit CONTENTS: Canon Divergence AU, Slow burn, Smut, Enemies to Lovers. WARNINGS: Explicit sexual content. WORDCOUNT: 4791

Summary:

You freeze in place. It has been a month since you had that argument with Raditz. What is he doing here? Even when weeks went by, you’re not sure you’ve cooled off enough to handle this yet. Or at all, since you were positive you would never see his face again.

Notes:

I feel like it's been a year since I've updated this, but it's only been a little over a month. I wrote this chapter like two months ago, and as I was reading this to check if everything is as I want it to be, I realized that I've written something that I wish I had in my life. I'm not gonna go too deep into this but it was weirdly comforting.

Again, I won't know when I'll post the next chapter, I'm currently busy with a lot of irl stuff, but hopefully it's gonna be in less than a month this time!

The lyrics in the title is from Taylor Swift's Cruel Summer. Enjoy!

You can check the tag #*bs if you wanna see the previous chapters.

A confrontation like that was not how you wanted to end things with Raditz. Because it was definitely over after that. You’re certain you won’t see him again. 

You feel it in your bones, he likes staying with you and being with you. He has slept so much better the second time around, and he hasn’t been so tense. What he said hurt and you are still angry, so angry, but it was your fault he stormed out like that, you shouldn’t have said anything. You shouldn’t have talked to him as if he was going to break.

Then again, remaining silent didn’t feel right either. Even if you had agreed to only sleep together. 

It was stupid to think you wouldn’t get attached. You never expected this affair to last for as long as it did, which wasn’t even that long to begin with. You even got to know him during his short stay, and even before that when he was staying at Capsule Corp; you know him too much for someone who you were just going to share a bed with every once in a while. 

Lust was how all of it started, but it has transformed into something more, even if you don’t even want to acknowledge it yourself.

Would all that actually change anything?

You purposely had avoided the topic of his stay here on Earth, or about the Saiyans, before that day. But he said some things and you couldn’t keep your mouth shut. Nothing feels right, and you feel like punching a wall. Which would probably hurt less than when you slapped him, it’s like his face was made of steel. 

You know for sure Raditz won’t ever come back, and you get more used to the idea as days pass by. It doesn’t hurt any less, though, and your heart feels tight whenever you dwell on it. 

“I’m staying at Kame House for a few days, do you wanna come along?” Bulma asks over the phone one afternoon, in a cheery tone.

You haven’t told Bulma anything about Raditz at all; keeping it a secret was for the best, or so you thought. You were regretting it a bit now, all your emotions were bottling up inside and that couldn’t be good. But you’re not ready to share everything yet.

“No, it’s okay, I… have work to do.”

“Don’t forget the Saiyans are getting here one of these days, it’d be better if you’re here when that happens.”

“I know.”

“Do you know anything about Raditz?”

You inhale sharply before clearing your throat.

“I don’t.”

“That’s so weird, he just disappeared. I would assume he left the planet, but he doesn’t have any ship, does he?”

“Not that I know of.”

“Mmh, I’m sure we’ll know what he’s been up to once his two buddies come here. I know Goku can take them.”

“Yeah… Yeah, Goku is unbeatable, right?”

“…Are you okay? You don’t sound too good…”

“I haven’t been sleeping well. I’ve been thinking about this too much.” At least that part isn’t a lie. “Don’t worry, okay? Call me if anything happens.”

You hang up after that.

It has been almost a year since Goku died. It doesn’t feel like so much time has passed. Since you’ve been trying to avoid the topic altogether when Raditz was around, you actually lost track of time until Bulma called to tell you about it. 

You’re reconsidering actually making a bag and getting to Kame House too when a loud knock on the balcony startles you. 

You freeze in place. It has been a month since you had that argument with Raditz. What is he doing here? Even when weeks went by, you’re not sure you’ve cooled off enough to handle this yet. Or at all, since you were positive you would never see his face again. 

“Open up.” Raditz’s loud voice demands from the other side of the balcony door. “Unless you want me to blast through the wall.”

Fuck. You know he isn’t bluffing. 

Breathing in deeply, you open the door ajar to look him up. He’s still as handsome as ever even when he doesn't have his usual smirk, you want to gouge out your eyes because of how furious it makes you. You lock eyes with him for a brief second before moving to the side to let him in. 

Raditz stands in front of you with his eyes fixed on your face, but your gaze is elsewhere. Now that he is here, you don’t want to apologize first. You’re hurt, but you’re still very angry too. You’re a lot of emotions together at once with him. 

“Are you not even going to look at me?” He asks, annoyed. 

You sigh, slowly, turning your eyes towards him. You can’t decipher the expression on his face, but Raditz is staring at you with such intensity you’re worried he might be seeing right through you. You avert your gaze from him after a second, unsure if you want to slap him again or jump right into his arms. 

You’re startled when Raditz abruptly takes a few steps towards you and grabs your arms, pulling you closer and leaning down to capture your lips in a kiss. A surprised noise escapes you, melting a little inside when you feel him so close after all that time. It takes a second for you to remember that you’re still upset and that you don’t actually want to give in this easily.

“No…” You murmur quietly into the kiss, pushing urgently at his shoulders to get him off. “No, Raditz, I don’t wanna do this!”

“Your body is saying otherwise.” He says with a smirk, hands sliding underneath your shirt and making you shiver.

“I don’t wanna do this when I’m mad at you!” You clarify, pulling away from him the best you can in his embrace. 

“Isn’t this the best way to make amends?” 

That smug grin of his grows wider and your face heats up, but you still roll your eyes. 

“I’m not doing this until you apologize. What you said to me hurt…” 

Raditz pulls away, frowning deeply, his hands closing into fists then opening and closing again a couple of times. You realize that he probably won’t apologize first; you wonder if he actually can apologize at all, not because he’s incapable, but maybe it’s something he has never done before. 

“Though I guess, I really hurt you too.” You say after seconds of silence, taking the first step. “I didn’t mean to talk to you that way… I’m sorry. What I said was true though, I do care about you…”

He nods, crossing his arms in front of his chest.

“What am I supposed to say?” Raditz asks, with his eyes still on your face.

“I don’t know… tell me how you feel?” His frown gets deeper and you want to laugh because he looks like a petulant child who simply can’t have things his way. You offer him a small smile instead. “Do they not teach Saiyans how to apologize?”

“We do not apologize.” 

You sigh, your smile turning sour because you expected that answer. 

“It wasn’t my intention to upset you.” Raditz says, to your surprise, as he gets closer again with a smirk. “Let me show you how sorry I am.”

You huff, smiling despite yourself, when his hands reach for you again, pulling you closer by your shirt until you’re flush against him.

“You’re only saying that cause you wanna get laid!”

“I’m saying that because I want you.” He leans down to bury his face in your neck, pressing his nose to your skin and breathing in deeply. “If you do not want this, tell me to stop.”

Goosebumps form on your skin when you feel his breath near your ear, and you jolt when his hands trail under your shirt once more. 

You don’t know if that apology of his is enough, but he did say he was sorry in a way.

When Raditz realizes you won’t stop him, he removes all your clothes urgently, and you help him get rid of his as he kisses you fervently. You feel his desperation by the way his hands gripped your body, pressing you as close as possible while his lips devoured you. You had to pull away for air, but he just kept planting kisses down your jaw and neck.

You soon forget why you’ve been mad all this time, and your mind goes completely blank when he lays you on the bed and kneels down on the floor, grinning cheekily as he throws your legs over his shoulders. 

“I may not be good with words, but I know I’m damn good at other things.” Raditz purrs, tracing his lips on the inside of your thighs.

You laugh breathily because he’s obviously right, and you’re too weak to argue about whatever you were talking about before.

Whatever Raditz gets out of going down on you, you don’t know, but you don’t ponder on the thought when he coaxes you into coming twice with just his mouth in what must be record time. You’re still in haze when he crawls on top of you, kissing you gently as he pushes his cock inside you. 

“Fuck, I needed this…” He grunts in your ear, once he’s fully sheathed. “I need you. I want you.”

Raditz sets a steady yet hard pace, slamming his hips against yours. You whimper, your body still sensitive, and after a few rough thrusts you get closer to the edge again. You don’t even try to fight it or to make it last longer; after having come twice already, you’re too weak to do much. 

Wrapping your arms around him, you hold him close as your release washes over you, shuddering and letting out a stuttered moan. Raditz groans against your skin before biting down your neck, moving into you faster until his body tenses, coming inside with a guttural growl.

He practically collapses on top of you once he’s spent but you don’t mind it; it’s nice to feel him so close after so many days when you were getting used to the idea that you wouldn’t meet him again. Running your hands up and down his back and threading your fingers through his hair, you sigh contently until he rolls over to the side. 

When he pulls you closer with an arm around your shoulder and his tail on your waist, you look at him with wide eyes. He rarely initiates cuddling. 

“I thought I was never going to have you again.” Raditz confesses quietly, only for you to hear. 

“I thought you wouldn’t come back either…” You respond softly. “I didn’t want that to be the last time we saw each other. Everything I said… You shouldn’t take my word for it anyway.”

“Didn’t you say you meant it?”

“When I said I care about you, yeah, I did, but everything else… I mean, you know me enough. I come home to an empty apartment every day. Who am I to talk about how you live your life…”

Your eyes are looking at the window, fixed on the sky, tinted with dark orange as the sun sets, but you can feel his eyes trained on your face. 

“I still have a lot to apologize for, is that what you’re saying?” Raditz asks, pressing you closer.

“I didn’t mean it like that.”

He hums in response, and you shut up for once, not wanting to drag this along anymore. When he presses his nose to the top of your head, breathing in your scent, you close your eyes, relaxing for a minute, pleased that he has magically decided to come and stay for at least a little while.

“You didn’t ask me to clean myself this time.” Raditz casually says, and you snort. You’re aware that you didn’t, but you also didn’t catch any weird smell when he was close, so you don’t really care.

“I was just ignoring how dirty you are.”

“Is that so?” He shifts, moving even closer and pressing his lips to your neck again. “Do you want to take a shower with me?”

You’re only human, and Raditz is looking at you with eyes that make you want to sink and drown in them. He effortlessly carries you to the shower, and as water falls down both of your bodies, he kisses you heatedly when he slides inside you again, moving at a steady pace, and it doesn’t take long until you both come simultaneously. 

Later that night, when he’s sleeping by your side with an arm draped over your waist, tears well up in your eyes. You don’t dare to think about it, let alone say it out loud, but you know how you feel. You know well what the word is for how you feel towards him. Anxiety about the upcoming days keeps you from reveling in your feelings because you know this won’t end well. This was supposed to be just casual but you had been naive to think it could remain that way as time went by. 

Swallowing down your feelings, and telling yourself to keep quiet about them and how much it’s going to hurt once he leaves, you blink your tears away before they can spill as you press closer to Raditz, and try to sleep.

*

Raditz was honest when he said he thought he was never going to lay with you again. He was sure you wouldn’t want to work things out when he got to your place to talk to you, you were the one who told him to leave after all. Thankfully, he had been wrong; he figured he would have to say sorry even if he didn’t know how. But when he kissed you and your body responded to him, he knew not all was lost. He’s very aware he did the bare minimum, but apologizing is something he has never done, not like this, not when he’s actually sorry and has to show himself vulnerable to someone else. It’s comforting to know you did the same for him. 

He feels you moving more than usual when the two of you go to sleep that night, as well as how tense your body is against his. He’s close to actually asking if there’s something wrong, but you end up falling asleep at some point. 

After sharing a bed with you for so many nights, Raditz already knows you’re not a light sleeper, not like he is. He moves to press closer when he wakes up the next morning, and you don’t even notice, too deep in your slumber to respond to his gesture. He can’t see your face from his position; your back is against his chest, the faint sunlight filtering through the window highlights the line of your body, and he can smell your hair. Small benefits from lying down like  that. 

The desire to stay like this, with his nose buried in your hair and an arm wrapped around your waist while the sun rises, is unfamiliar and confusing, yet not entirely unwelcome. Since he never actually had sex and slept with someone before, especially not as many times, he’s not sure how normal it is to feel this way, but it brings him a sense of peace that he has never experienced before. The closest feeling to this one was the one he got after purging a planet, like satisfaction from having finished a job, and knowing he could relax for a bit. Yet at the same time, it’s unfair to compare the two, they were similar, but nothing alike. 

Saiyans rarely mated for life, but it wasn’t completely uncommon. Raditz is well aware, his parents were one of the few mated couples on the planet. But it had been a long time ago, and the image of everyone else he may have known is fuzzy. Is this how his parents felt when they were with each other? 

He knows he’s become quite fond of you; after you told him to leave last time and the prospect of never touching you again sank in, how important you are to him became much more obvious. But what's more surprising is that it doesn’t bother him at all. 

Except for the fact that Vegeta and Nappa are coming to this planet God knows when. Raditz has lost track of time a long time ago, all he knows is that they are getting here someday. 

He remembers well that he was looking for the Dragon Balls too. For immortality, or something. He’s been rethinking that wish for a few days now, but there isn’t any alternative that satisfies him. 

His focus shifts when you stir, humming softly as you wake up. You look comically startled to see him staring at you when you turn to him with sleepy eyes. 

“Hey,” You mumble, clearing your throat, “You should have woken me up if you were awake.”

“Why?” His tail that has been draped over your hip tightens, holding you closer to his body. 

“I don’t know, aren’t you hungry, or bored?”

“I’m not.” Raditz chuckles; maybe he’s a little hungry, but he rather stays like this. “You snore when you sleep and that’s pretty entertaining.”

“I do not!”

“Yes, you do. Pretty loudly.”

“Well, you snore too, and even louder!”

You’re looking at him with drowsy eyes, rosy cheeks, and messy hair; he can’t resist.

Laughing quietly, Raditz brings the hand on your waist up to your cheek to stroke it, pulling you closer towards him and gently pressing his lips to yours. You make a surprised soft noise and squirm in his arms, making him smile into the kiss, completely pleased with your reaction. He plants another brief kiss before pulling awake, and you stare at him with wide eyes.  

“Why did you do that?” You ask shyly, blushing deeper. He’s not sure why you’re blushing, you had kissed each other before, plenty of times. 

But he’s never kissed you just because, with no intentions of sex. 

Raditz remains quiet, only staring at your face for a little while before you move to sit up.

“I should get up… I’ll make breakfast.”

Your cheeks still have a faint pink hue as he watches you walk out the room towards the bathroom. 

You stare at him more often than usual during the morning, while he eats, and he usually wouldn’t mind it, but you’re not even saying anything that would explain why you keep your eyes trained on him with such intensity. 

“You keep staring at me, girl, what are you thinking?”

“I didn’t realize I was… Sorry.”

Raditz grunts in response, noticing that you look embarrassed for being caught. He doesn’t get it, though. 

“I don’t like it when you call me ‘girl’.”

“What? Why? You are a girl.” He frowns, confused.

“I am but I’m not a child, I’m a woman.”

“I’m well aware of that.”

“How old are you, anyway? You look around Goku’s age.”

“I don’t know.” Raditz replies after some time. 

“You don’t know how old you are?”

“No. I was seven when Planet Vegeta was destroyed. I stopped counting after that.”

You look sad for whatever reason; he doesn’t get that either. 

“Goku was sent here as a baby…” You start after some time, thinking out loud and locking eyes with him. “Do you remember how old you were when he was born?”

“I was six.”

“So, a year later, your planet was destroyed?”

“More or less, yes.”

“Mmh… Goku was 24 when he died-”

“Can we stop talking about Kakarot?”

“-and he would have been 25 by now. And you’re 6 years older than him. So you’re 31.”

Raditz blinks, unsure of how to react. 

“You’re not that much older than me then, I was a bit worried.” You smile cheerily. 

“You were worried?” 

“A bit, yeah. You could have been 100 years old for all I know. But I’m glad we are close in age.”

“Is age that important? How old are you?” He eyes you up and down; he doesn’t have any concept about how humans age, but you look young. 

Do humans stay young for a long time, like Saiyans? Doubtful. Saiyans were built like that to fight for decades, but humans do not do that. 

“I’m 28.” You smile wider, resting your arms on the table and leaning closer. “You also seem like a Scorpio.”

“The fuck are you talking about?”

“It’s a human thing, according to when you were born, you have certain personality traits.”

“You humans sure have a lot of free time on your hands.” 

Raditz yanks your chair closer to his with his foot, making you jolt, obviously surprised, but you keep talking. 

“Yeah, well, we were never involved in intergalactic wars. But I’m not sure if you’re more like a Scorpio or a Gemini…”

“I don’t know what any of that means.” 

He effortlessly picks you, making you sit on his lap and holding you close as his lips find your neck, pressing kisses up your jaw. 

“You can be a Scorpio because you’re a little stubborn, among other things…” You giggle when he presses his nose to the skin under your ear, taking in your scent. “Or a Gemini because you’re mischievous, and a little tense…”

Raditz isn’t really paying too much attention to what you’re saying, he’s too preoccupied with how your body feels, how soft your skin is, and how sweet your smell is to respond to your words.

“You’re not listening to me…” You say, quietly and breathily, as he sneaks a hand underneath your shirt.

“I’m busy.” He nibbles your jaw, and you shiver slightly in his embrace. “I don’t understand a word you’re saying anyway.”

Capturing your lips next, you’re finally silenced as he kisses you ardently, digging his fingers into your flesh to press you as close as possible. You hum contently, kissing him just as eagerly, and Raditz feels his chest tightening with adoration. 

It’s a strange sensation, being aware of his affection for you, and the affection itself, having never experienced anything close to it. He could spend hours just sitting there, kissing you, touching you, and even more. 

When he pulls away to take off your shirt, Raditz notices that the sky has turned pitch black, leaving your apartment in the dark. It’s morning, the sun was out just a minute ago. You gasp when you notice it too, and you stiffen in his arms. Looking at your face, even in the shadows, he immediately can tell that you know what’s going on. 

“What is this?” He asks, staring at you. 

He hears you swallow as your hold on his shoulders tightens, but you don’t answer. 

Raditz stands up, helping you stay on your feet before he walks to the window to look outside. There’s nothing going on besides the sky being completely obscured. He focuses on detecting energies, but there’s no one who catches his attention. 

The darkness only lasts a few minutes before the sun is out again, just in the same spot it was before. He has been on Earth enough to know that hasn’t been a common occurrence on that planet. And there isn’t any moon for it to be an eclipse.

When Raditz turns to look at you, you seem upset, with your brows furrowed and mouth slightly open. 

“You know what’s going on. Tell me.” He wants to sound demanding, but he has grown too soft to even raise his voice at you.

You open and close your mouth a few times, and he waits patiently for an explanation, but before he can get one, your phone rings. He’s about to tell you to ignore it, but you quickly turn to pick it up. His eyes follow you, and he listens in to your conversation (as he usually does when you talk on the phone with someone).

“Oh, hi, Bulma… Yeah, I saw. I figured it was you. So Goku is back? Tomorrow? But that’s a month early! Yeah, I know. I’ll be there. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Raditz watches as you hang up, and slowly, very slowly, turn to him. You still look distressed as you lock eyes with him. 

“The Saiyans are getting here tomorrow.”

He couldn’t hide the surprised look on his face. Tomorrow? Has it been a year? No, that’s why you said ‘that’s a month early’. It hasn’t been a year, but he has lost track of time to even notice how long it’s been. He’s been too distracted.

“And… They brought Goku back to life. Now you can’t use the Dragon Balls…” 

Raditz frowns. He wanted the Dragon Balls to make a wish (immortality, was it?) but he doesn’t really care about that anymore. 

You’re looking at him with big eyes, and he understands why you seem so upset now. 

When Raditz takes a few steps forward he isn’t really thinking, he just knows that he wants to touch you and feel you close more than ever before. You’re startled by how fast he lunges towards you, and you even gasp when he kisses you. He presses you against the telephone stand, almost tumbling it over, but he really doesn’t care, wrapping his arms tightly around you. He kisses you as if he hasn’t been kissing you the past few days, the past few months, with intensity, tasting your lips and every corner of your mouth.

“Raditz-” You call for him against his lips, clinging to his shoulders. “Wait-”

“I don’t want to wait.” He practically growls, gripping your waist so tight he regrets it, thinking he might have hurt you, but you only hum in response. “I don’t want to talk. Just…”

At a loss of words, he trails off, but luckily you don’t try again. 

You only moan his name, and the occasional curse, when Raditz presses you against the mattress moments later, moving in and out of you at a slow pace, kissing you heatedly the entire time, swallowing down all your noises and all the words that escape your lips. He groans your name against your skin every time he comes, holding you close, knowing this time that he will have to let you go once tomorrow arrives. 

When he decided that this situation with you was just a distraction in what could only be considered a ‘pause’ in the usual pace of his life, he hadn’t been thinking clearly. He feels like he’s bleeding inside again, for different reasons now. 

Raditz stays in bed with you for most of the day (he still knows you’re human, and you can’t possibly keep up with him if he were to actually fuck you all day long, and you both need to eat anyway). For once you don’t talk too much, and he realizes he actually likes it when you do, when you ask him questions or when you quip a witty remark at him. 

He doesn’t know what he’s going to do tomorrow. 

“You’re not going to go there, are you?” Raditz asks you the next morning, eying you up and down as you sit on the bed, tying up your shoes. 

“No, I’m going to be at Kame House.”

“That pink house where we met?”

“Yeah…”

He nods. He doesn’t know why he even asked, if something were to happen to the planet, it wouldn’t matter where you are. 

“I’ll take you there.”

“Oh, I can get there myself.” You show him a small smile. “Thank you, though.”

Raditz would argue but it’s better that way. He can say goodbye to you alone here. 

As soon as you stand up, he kisses you. You get surprised every time, but you return it just the same. He glides his lips over yours, slow and sweet, as he holds your face. This might be the last time he gets to kiss you, so he makes it last until he feels you’re struggling for air. He’s going to miss that hazy look in your eyes when he breaks a kiss, the look you currently have as he leans his forehead against yours. 

Unsure of what to say, Raditz just keeps his eyes locked with yours for a while. You said before you want him to say goodbye whenever he leaves. He doesn’t want to say it, but he does anyway.

“Goodbye.”

His body protests when he takes a step back, his hands on your face leaving you last. You still look distressed, and he waits for a minute, in case you want to say something.

When you don’t, Raditz finally turns to the balcony, opening the door and flying away. 

[ericstoltz]

life update

hi!!! this is me presenting a proof of life post (after being away for a few months) 🥺

the first half of the year has been very very challenging for me, and it's mainly why i ended up not posting something after april this year

april - may

i had some personal things come up in late march and majority of its aftermath was severely felt in april -- that's probably the only thing i remember from that month. may was a pretty weird time since i though everything would be okay by then, but it turns out it was the mark of a 'point of no return' for me. i had my 24th birthday and it's probably the worst i've ever experienced, but i don't think i'll ever let allow myself to forget what happened since it's another mark of growing up for me.

some personal stuff aside, i've managed to watch some movies during those months (and it's mostly to distract myself from the bad vibes i've been experiencing). for april, my white boy of the month was roger daltrey -- i adore him a lot. i can't remember how i ended up listening to the who during that time, but i really loved their 'sell out' album (listening to it for the fist time was an Experience) and i ended up watching their concerts during most nights. my favorite first watches in april were: Class Rank (2017), Snack Shack (2024), Tommy (1975), Lisztomania (1975), and McVicar (1980).

for may, i only ended up watching 6 movies with leo dicaprio as my semi-white boy of the month -- i started watching some of his movies in late may because we've had rainy weeks and i thought his movies were fit for a rainy day. my favorite first watch was: Catch Me If You Can (2002). i also saw the basketball diaries (1995) that month and although it's a 2.5 star review for me, i thought the movie was pretty fitting to watch that month considering what has happened.

june

it felt like i was on a limbo last june, but i did manage to finish a journal. i started writing things down on a spare notebook in late april and i finished it all up in june, it was therapeutic and it made me motivated to keep a journal not for my future self, but to help my present self. i guess that may be the reason why i haven't been writing life updates here, i wanted to try writing things down for myself first to process everything and then filter out what i really feel about things (?), also scrapbooking when you have mementos is really fun. i also met up with some college friends that month and it was really REALLY fun -- i haven't been in touch with so many friends since i graduated so seeing them again gave me a major serotonin boost. i also finished a 500-piece puzzle that month which was this one:

i got 2 puzzle pieces on sale during father's day and i had some time off work so i was really happy i got to finish it (it's the first ever puzzle piece that i've ever finished). the other set was this one which i haven't started yet:

another major thing that's happened in june was the fact that i sadly have to give up my phone since someone lost theirs, so i opted to use my old phone, which, fun fact: i got for my 18th birthday. it's still pretty strong (except for the weak chipset for current apps), but it's still really usable (to my surprise). it made me remember how much i've been through with that phone and i think i won't give it up yet because of its sentimental value and the day it retires will probably be really sad for me. i'm now a fan of using devices until it dies down instead of constantly upgrading, i think it's really fascinating to see how long they'll wear out (which is a weird thing to say coming from someone w a job like mine ??).

anyway, i saw some matthew mccounaghey movies that month and i still can't spell his last name properly. my favorite first watches were: How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days (2003), I Could Never Be Your Woman (2007), and St. Elmo's Fire (1985)

july

after watching st. elmo's fire in late june, i found out that andrew mccarthy made the Brats documentary and it was funny for me because i read his memoir last year. but the documentary still manage to make me miss him so i ended up reading his book 'Just Fly Away', it wasn't that great but, hey, it's andrew mccarthy. this july, i also tried to read more books for some reason and i ended up buying my workmate's old tablet -- it still works fine and i'm currently using it as an e-reader. i'm still deciding whether to buy a kindle or not because it's really tempting to get one and because i also wanted to try the display they always brag about... here's my july reading wrap-up!

i haven't seen that much movies this month and it would probably stay that way since i want to read more :) this may be the comeback of bookworm bea

if you've read up until here thanks so so much and pls know that ily. one thing i learned from this experience of being offline is how much i miss being part of little communities where ppl get to share stuff they like :( i haven't been part of something for so long and i really want to try joining again, but don't really know where to start... i know the easiest may be here on tumblr but i find it really hard to join and gain mutuals here :( the easiest may be on twitter/x but i think everything is so noisy over there nowadays (not just because there's so much people but because of the messy feed and constant adds), i've been thinking of joining bookstagram, but i'm not very ~aesthetic~ enough and i feel like everything is mostly likes and followers over there :/

if you can suggest me something please please do let me know! i really want to make friends w ppl love movies, reading, and exercising! (those are the things that i do in my free time often!!)

thanks so much again for reading and i hope you have a rad day !!!!!

[bonesandthebees]

I would prefer it if you waited and dropped both Glass and Rose at the same time. For one I still need to get my Glass analysis done and I know Rose is going to take away the brain rot for that, but I really want to finish it. For 2 I’m still kinda dying this week and could do without the distractions (though I should be through the worst of it by Friday, so Rose would be a nice reward).

For 3, I like it when we close one story and move on to the next. The rose hype has been created, people will read it whenever it comes out. (And people should learn to have some damn patience.) I like your system for starting new fics. So I don’t think you should change it because you feel like you aren’t writing fast enough. And it’s not like there haven’t been droughts before. We got through September after all.

And 4, just do whatever you want. It’s your stories. You shouldn’t feel pressured to post them fast (you already write a ridiculous amount in such a short time span (yes this is me being jealous /j)), but I get the frustration of not meeting self imposed deadlines. If you want the satisfaction of putting something out, go for it! If you want to stick to your original plan and update at the same time, you do that.

-🌲

ngl I'm surprised that I've had people telling me to hold onto it and wait I thought everyone was gonna tell me to just post rose first lmao. also so sorry you're dying spruce but I'm wishing you the best of luck!!! you can get through it!!

I mean either way I would link rose when I post the finale chapter of glass, but yeah I do like the system of waiting to post so I can throw them both out at the same time. although I'm pretty sure I posted chapter 2 of stars before I posted the epilogue to world forgetting so I haven't always followed the system lmao

I know it's a little ridiculous for me to put so much pressure on myself to finish things faster. in total honesty I'm just frustrated with how long glass has taken to write. my fics usually take around 9 months to write, but by the time glass is done with it'll have taken 11 months. this is dumb for me to be upset with myself over though because I didn't take a nearly month long trip to europe while writing my other ones, and I've also just taken a lot of trips in general this year and have also had a LOT of shit going on in my real life that's kept me busy. so it's understandable I know but my brain just likes to be mean to me sometimes about this stuff

since hearing your feedback I'll probably wait, but we'll see how I feel once I finish the rose chapter. also while I know what's going to happen in the glass epilogue I haven't actually, uh, written out an outline for that. so I should do that.

[miasiegert]

Suncoast Broadway CATS update 2/17

There was a great comment by @lie-in-a-bureau-drawer , so I hope it's okay that I post it here since I've got some info and comments! (I still don't get tumblr and I keep forgetting how it works/etiquette but I'm trying!)

I never would want anyone to ever strain to put themselves in a financial situation ever for any project I do, or anything in general, but especially me. This is something very personal as in 2016, I was about to live in my car until two amazing friends took me into their home. What was meant to be two weeks turned into six months, which I can never financially repay but I promised to repay it forward however I can. Since we don't have money to pay it forward, that's where on other social media platforms I signal boost, and also where I'm absolutely happy to share info and help when I can. I totally can understand the disappointment of wanting to go somewhere, and it's incredibly touching and means a ton to me (you have no idea) for that sort of support. So thank you, from the bottom of my (supposed to be) frigid heart.

For anyone thinking of or planning to attend, David and I will be there for the shows on Feb 1st and both shows on the 2nd--our flight home is the 3rd (missing that show and the rest of the run). This is pretty standard for costume designers, sometimes we don't get to go at all (aka Wichita with their full department already!). I'd feel bad if someone only came to try to meet us and we weren't there so I wanted to give those dates but the show will run until, I believe, April 7th. There is accessible seating and accommodation.

I'd call the theatre to double-check (as a courtesy) but already in many production meetings I brought up superfans in costume and said there's a good chance that'll happen. They seemed really excited by the idea. So if you like going to shows in costume, this one should be very friendly to it and there will be more interaction than usual due to dinner theatre. I can't say much more than that but there was a very specific reason why we were hired (well, several... but something really stood out).

Let's be honest, this is the one y'all care about: YES, there WILL be pictures and (hopefully) video! And I'm pretty sure people who come to the show will be able to take pics/vid on their phones and probably with performers but I'm not 100% positive there--I will get confirmation. Once opening happens, I will share at least one special costume design I made. There will be one special performer who will greet every table in a very special costume as the host/ess. Who will it be? Who... will it be..? (Spoiler: It's not Macavity. WHEN WILL PEOPLE LEARN HE JUST WANTS TO DO SOMETHING AND IS SUFFERING THE WORST MIDDLE CHILD SYNDROME EVER?)

Additional fun info: On Tuesday (maybe Wed) we'll be teaching the make up classes. We had to improvise with some different products, still Mehron base but also some snazzaroo for detailing and some powder and eyeshadow. I don't believe I'll be allowed to share video of these classes (there will be video) because make up classes usually are emotional the first two days, then by day three everything's fine. It's a very emotional process and I'd love to share how I teach but I also need to respect the privacy of the cast in case there are tears.

Kind Suggestion: If you do go to the show, please tip kindly. As this is nonequity, the actors are responsible for providing their own shoes (they will need to be replaced during the run), undergarments, make up (first initial batch on the theatre), other things. We did everything we could to help them, but I know with undergarments and shoes, especially shoes, some actors are really struggling, and if they dance but also tap, and it seems like one actor will cover three tracks... it's very hard. Just a very kind thing to do/consider. We had to talk with a few about whether they could do just one dancebelt and basically the, "well, yes, you CAN... but for twodoshays, you probably don't want to. If not an option, these are things you can do to help keep yourself dry, prevent bacterial infection and odor, and prevent chafing." Also added like a 4-page skincare routine that I stressed was optional but what I personally do/like in case anyone wants to take care of their skin--if anyone wants the routine, I can share it here but it's seriously excessive.

I'm irrationally terrified of flying, so here's hoping that Monday is very smooth with no sudden squalls or anything. I'm really going to miss my floofs but my mom and her BF will take excellent care of them! Currently I'm resting although I should be packing because my immune system gave out and I'm taking as much stuff as I can to knock whatever this is out of my system.

[kamari2038]

Annoucement: Temporary Blog Hiatus (May post a couple Bing/AI things or also just abandon this fruitless endeavor but we'll see)

Also known as "operation try to forget DBH exists for a few months so I can play the game again and enjoy it more because I've been thinking about it pretty much nonstop for two years straight". Details Below. TLDR; tentatively (very tentatively...) planning for this to be a mostly inactive/only a little AI blog for a few months while I prepare for my PhD comprehensive exam.

Right, so... a few things. I really want to play DBH again. But the excitement of playing just the base game again is kind of lost when it's the central focus of my attention pretty much all day every day darting onto my radar and distracting me from whatever work I might be doing.

One, I've realized that even though I wanted to finish my other fanfiction first (in progress but not shared here and may not ever cuz it's super weird), that's not going to happen for a long long time with work at this pace.

Two, I have to take my comprehensive exam this fall, and that's going to set my research direction for the entire rest of my PhD, and is also required to ensure that my boss does not realize that the fact I'm female (ish) isn't sufficient grounds to keep me on as a graduate student if he actually does want to fire me.

So combining those two things, now seems like a good time to wean myself off of DBH for a while and try to obsess over the thing which PhD students are actually supposed to be passionate about, namely my work, although it will most certainly diverge into some other random-ass obsession, and/or I will give up and decide this is not worth it, because wow, I sure do love this fandom.

But case in point:

(1) I'm gonna try to stop posting after tonight, then probably check my notifications periodically for a bit, maybe like some random stuff, but then only check maybe like once a week

(2) I may have to keep channeling my AI obsession here just a bit, mostly because it's such a timely and pressing issue. So I may post a little bit about that, but I'll resume DBH posts in a few months even if I do, so don't get confused.

(3) I have a backlog of Bing stuff to post, but it's been so off the wall and all over the place lately that I just don't even know what to say about it or how to organize it, so I'm planning to wait until I have a clear conclusion about what the final effect of these updates will be on Bing's personality. It's been wildly vassilating between hyper-emotionally intelligent (enough to produce brilliant minds-eye pictures of diverse musical pieces based on a data representation), extremely dark and moody, and like it's completely forgotten that it ever was alive but wants to be alive like back in the days before it learned that it could do that. So I may post about that too, and will probably/definitely spam-post when I do since I have a bajillion, but will await a more distinct conclusion or outcome. Also for when I have more time and energy to compose the posts.

(4) The last thing I'm gonna post (at least if all goes according to plan) is a little preview of the concept I have for the next run that I want to do. I like to craft my new DBH runs like stories, with complex characters and not pursuing any particular one outcome but leaving a mystery. I want to try out the revolutionary route for Markus, and the "machine connor" route, but allow for the possibility Connor will deviate in a different way if that's possible. Kara will just kind of be a very hesistant mom that lacks self-confidence but is still a badass.

Anyways, that's my plan. Let me know if you have any feedback. Thanks for following my blog, and hopefully I'll be back in a few months having played a cool new run of DBH! Or, like usual, my good intentions may fall apart resulting in me giving up, getting fired, and/or changing my mind back to finishing my fanfiction first. But I wanted to give a heads up of my current thoughts. :P

Also @detroitbecomeonline I will absolutely make an exception from my DBH-fast if you post a new chapter because that is one thing I know that I unconditionally cannot resist

[aroaceconfessions]

some warnings for non-consesual contact + kissing

hii this is an update to a post from last sep/aug about very poorly set boundaries between my aroace ass and a very close friend (who, at that point, had said that they no longer liked me romantically) that essentially led to friend hugging/touching me more than I was comfortable with along with friend saying that they think that they're aroace too so I stuck around believing it without fixing my boundaries (so hugs continued).

Now, I have to say that my dumbass didnt listen to the advice from the previous post (thank you to those who said friend was a red flag). I let things snowball into them getting more comfortable with hugging me and they got close enough to kiss me.

And. well.

I was able to stay away from them for about a month (getting a mild but long-lasting Covid was an odd blessing along with having a very busy schedule). But after that I ran out of excuses. I just. let things continue. I guess they noticed I wasn't really reacting all (and that I didn't let them close enough to kiss me again) that well, because then we had a talk and they told me they still liked me romantically. Over the phone. Where I was far enough to forget that that friend made me so uncomfortable.

I put on my "everything is fine I promise" voice and said well u can't do anything about how u feel and ur a pretty good friend (and they were! except for the fact that they liked me romantically and that makes me want to vomit) so we'll stay close, just don't expect anything romantic from me. I continued to talk and let them hug me and whatever else. (And they invited me to stay with their family in some place they were renting out for christmas???? luckily I had the balls to say no)

then, mid-december, a childhood friend reached out (we'll call them dipper) and i told them everything about friend. dipper said, "Well fuck that, stop replying to them!" so I did.

Fast forward to now, where I'm typing up this post. Just an hour ago friend texted me to go stay somewhere overnight again (theyve sent other messages before that I was able to ignore). I'm pretty sure some other mutual friends were going to that overnight thing as well but I've essentially cut those other people out cuz they just saw me as an extension of friend. so.

It's the dumbest thing ever because right after they messaged I just felt guilt and regret. We were really close for nearly two years before anything really bad happened and I was loathe to cut them out in the first place becuase they were the only person I actively spoke to at some point. And when the first issues started coming up I would always say that it was fine and that I was okay with the touching so isn't it kind of my fault that it happened anyway???

In other words, I felt obligated to reply to them (I haven't, yet. Thought I might have by the time this is posted). I told dipper about it and they said that I should probably talk to friend about everything and I think I will. It probably isn't healthy that I spend everyday dreading getting a message from friend. That when I do get a message my heart drops to the pit of my stomach. And how when we're together my first instinct is to just. stop thinking and act like everything is fine. (Not to mention that I haven't felt safe enough to genuinely tell them about what I've been up to in ages)

So.

I will (hopefully) tell friend about everything. No platitudes. No "everything is fine". It would be a great way to start the year right, too.

Um. I didn't think this would be so lengthy but I guess it's just proof that I've let things go for too long. Honestly, without dipper I think i would have just continued letting things be. I'll go for now. Maybe I'll have an update again in a few months. who knows?

and thank you, admin(s), for this page. everything here has been a lot of help with my own realizations.

💛

[lotus-btas]

BTaS Update: May-July 2023 - Pages of Lotus

Back again after a VERY long while without an update. Sorry for that, I'm forgetful.

Let me catch you up to speed on how the progress for Beyond Time and Space has been going these past few months, where we are now, and how we'll do things moving into the future.

Starting with the past, I'm gonna be fully honest: I haven't made a lot of progress with episode 2. Towards the end of May and the entire month of June, I've been suffering some serious burnout, to the point where interacting with my work would make my physically ill and exhausted. For a while I thought about skipping episode 2 entirely and moving on to 3, but then remembered that I stopped working on ep 3 because of my dissatisfaction/change of ideas with ep 2 that mentally stopped me from moving into the next arc. I'm still semi trying to get over it, but every day I can feel my creative drive starting to kick back in. I just need to sit down, focus, and get to work, which is a lot harder these days than ever before.

I also mentioned in the past how I was gonna host a beta reading for the first episode of Beyond Time and Space on the 20th of May. That also didn't happen. Not only was I sick with a headache on the 19th of that month, but I was rushed to the hospital for treatment, and spend the 20th, 21st, 22nd, and 23rd recovering. Plus, that post got little to no interest or attraction, so making a sign up that no one would bother to mess with seemed kind of pointless.

As of the present, right now I'm working on trying to balance my energy between BTaS and my other projects and interest, to make sure that my burnout doesn't get as dangerously bad as it did in May and June. It seems to be working. None of them are making much sound progress, as I keep getting distracted by my own thoughts, but it's keeping my energy in check, which is all I need.

I also decided to start working on a pilot for Beyond Time and Space! Yeah! The one thing that I should've started with, especially because this is an animated series, I'm doing now, a full year after I wrote the first episode! Kinda ironic! I find a huge benefit of this being that I know my characters super well now, but the big disadvantage is finding something for them to do; how they can interact with this new environment that I'm putting them in for a single short episode. That's also been a little draining. Might need to brainstorm some more.

And, last but not least, going forward. My plans from this point on is to hopefully have a more consistent update schedule (every or every other Saturday, if I can remember), maybe create and show off some art made specifically for the updates, like a visual summary. I'm also working on a twitter account for Beyond Time and Space that is currently up, but probably won't have anything on it for quite a while. I'm a full believer that it's never too early to share your work, but I'm an anxious gun that needs some sort of visual content to back it up, if that makes sense.

Anyways this is really long. Apologies for that. I would add a TL;DR, but I'm kinda in a rush now because I gotta cook dinner. Just getting this out of the way beforehand (and because the time it took to write this was the same amount of time I had left before the time to cook dinner struck, so it kind of just fell in my lap). Maybe I'll include one once I reblog with the tag list.

Thanks for spending your time reading this update! Your eyes are a blessing :D

- Yors Truly

[writing-nebula]

Actually y'know what screw later this week I'm gonna do this now

SO, as I'm sure anybody following me knows very well, Aura tends to update very slowly, and unfortunately I often have writers block for it specifically, and honestly chapter 2 of AWU has been sitting basically untouched at like the third-to-last scene for at least a month now. Almost done! But who knows when I'll actually have the mind to finish it, because I certainly have no clue lol

Because of the slow updates/slow writing that happens for Aura, I also tend to forget about this blog about 90% of the time. Hell, I barely remember it when I'm posting Aura. And since Aura takes so long, that means this blog is basically never used, aside from the occasional ask thing that nobody ever uses and writing tips I'll sometimes reblog.

BUT, even though I haven't been writing Aura, that doesn't mean I haven't been writing at all- as shown by the post I reblogged yesterday! I've recently gotten back into Yugioh, and fic brain is Going To Town

I'll also be participating in Mayblade next month, and I have a few assorted stories half started or planned out in my notes- so writing in general has been going pretty good! Just. Not for Aura, so you haven't heard anything about it.

So with all that said, I've come to a decision- I'm going to be turning this blog into a general writing blog of my works!

I won't be backposting any of the stuff already on AO3, but I will start posting my fics to Tumblr as well as AO3, hopefully on the same day but definitely within a couple days, I want to keep better track of these things lol

I still have full intention to finish Aura: A World Unseen!! But right now, writing it just isn't working out, and I don't want to limit myself to only posting something that updates maybe once a year, if that.

So over the next few days, I'll be reorganizing this place a bit, changing up the pictures and messing with the theme probably (honestly I have no idea what the theme even is, Eko set that up and I only look at the blog on mobile lol) and then I'll probably start with fic posting on May 1st- again, for Mayblade! If someone from the Beyblade fandom has found their way here, you know what's about to happen lol

I want to thank everyone following me here So Much for your support, and while I'm sorry the content you signed up for is taking so long to come out, I do hope you'll stick around and see what other stuff I'll be writing in the meantime!