#I'll cry again another time
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Funeral and wake went really well
#I'll cry again another time#maybe tonight#but for now.... I'm too tired#ended up really cheerful at the wake and i didn't mind it#people kept coming up to me to tell me how well i had done and how my eulogy was beautiful or moving#and people kept telling me I'd done well at the wake as well
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when your main characters start dating after years of writing so they finally get to be like this
#rare WIP preview from me#this is in like. 10 episodes. lmfao#its been really hard working this far ahead#my editor isnt giving me any feedback and my friends are very busy so it's felt quite lonely#which is fine! for my friends I mean. but its my editors job to give me feedback...#but the webtoon editors are extremely extremely extremely overworked and my series is set to end so I understand its low priority#its not her fault its webtoons fault. however. its still demotivating...#oh well l m a o#I should be much further ahead ngl LMFAO I want like 12 done but I come back in 2 weeks.#we'll see#when I get really stressed out I go full gamer mode#and usually I'll sink like 60 hours (like 5 days) into a game and then I'm good and move on#but this recent game that grabbed me is. its too much actually#bit uncontrollable ngl I think its an ADHD thing I mostly have just quit playing videogames at all#cause its like yeah being stressed cause theres too much work to do is not going to be helped by losing a week and a half to a game...#and yet.#anyways the game is satisfactory#my friend bought it for me and we've been playing together#and our shared file has. 100 hours on it. and we still havent beaten the game#we're close to beating it and it's not like we're rushing or anything#cause its fun to fuck around and zap eachother or whatever#but it's got me doing math. the exact kind of math I love to do. optimization#and its reminding me yeah in another life id have been an engineer#I'm glad I'm an artist but its always weird like yeah this is easily a path I could have gone down#'artists hate math' speak for yourself doing math calms me down! I love math!#I love math and I love business. I'm almost the perfect artist but I hate advertising so. we can't have it all#anyways theyre so fucking cute its sickening. I love them so much. I could cry#WIP#lineart#time and time again
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Super important question. Do you think Yakumo is ticklish?
wait hold on i have to look this up
#scrunches my face in serious contemplation while i scroll thru the results#my instinct said no#and upon reading the results for ARE SNAKES TICKLISH#seems like snakes ...according to the science so far... cannot feel ticklish#they may have sensitive areas that will make them go >:\ ???? or :O?!?!? if u touch em#making me think about From The Earth Nectar again#where yakumo (human version) is a bit sensitive after moulting#so he was actually a bit ticklish with his fresh skin. yeah. i'll incorporate that into my headcanon#my urge to stay somewhat true to science banishes me to the Boring Corner where yakumo isn't ticklish#especially not as a snake. but maybe in human form he gets a bit sensitive in certain areas#not like tickle torture level where you can poke his ribs and he'll yelp/start crying#but. uh. he's already so jumpy that he doesn't need to be ticklish to startle at an unexpected touch. you know??!#part of me DID consider... what if.. yakumo ticklish on his sides or smth#that's giving us another way to reduce him to tears............very tempting#for now i'll give him this ONE thing#this ONE advantage (?) in bodily control#i personally am not very ticklish so i'm also just going with the easiest-to-imagine headcanon#the few situations where someone manages to find a ticklish millimeter on me and i risk punching them out LOL#it's automatic and not a fun time for anyone involved#anon do you have thoughts about a ticklish yakumo?#are you about to open my eyes to another dazzling dimension?#nu carnival yakumo
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if life is categorized by Before Loss and After Loss then I exist in the before but with a countdown to the after. and the countdown is always always present and debilitating. the loss will be debilitating too but i cant help myself. i will always suffer twice.
#i cant let go of it. i cant even enjoy good moments without thinking about how they'll just be memories one day#how they're already memories since moments pass so fast#everything is I'll Miss This and i already miss it and i cant believe once you're gone you're gone forever#and ill never ever see you again. and your shell is in the ground but where did the rest of you go?#should i look at your body one last time? on one hand itll be the last time i see you.#on the other hand it will be the last time i see you.#and the memory of you will die with me too. as if neither ever existed#it impacts me so much too bc i dont feel close to anybody really...and i dont make friends easily#so whats going to happen when the people who have always been there arent there anymore?#im going to be alone for so much of my life.#i will record your voice so im ready for when i cant hear it from the source while also knowing it wont be enough and one day#ill be wishing it lasted longer. it could be 12 hours long and ill want more.#how do you surpass this? it hasn't even happened. when it happens i don't know what ill do. considering my whole life has been#the timer. the countdown. hours and hours of anticipatory grief#and then ill be next. me. some of all thats left of you. it cant be true.#sorry. this gets worse every single year and its been going insane lately#id surprisingly been managing it well for months somehow ! it wouldnt cross my mind...and now its there again#like it accumulated and its all coming out right now. ive been crying for hrs tonight and last night#one day his things will just be things. things ive made and given him will be in my hands again.#talkys#i want to go hug my dad but then ill just cry over how one day i wont be able to....! how do i store it? how do i save it?#how do i preserve it forever....even as i take my own last breath....#i cant believe im the only one of me. and my dad is the only one of him.#i wouldnt want to be reborn as anyone else. i cant believe one day i wont get to draw or eat or be comfy in bed anymore.#i cant take it !! im so scared. ill be scared until the end. and you wont be there to hold my hand. im going to be alone.#and none of those years of grief and joy and memories will matter.#i wonder if it would help to tell him about this. i need something to hold onto for when it happens. anything. but i also know it'll make i#hurt more; obviously. just another piece of him that'll be gone one day
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aye can i get a fuckin uuuhhhh
break. on my burger
#shit chat#family cw#got sicker than i have been in years my bank closed my checking account on accident work is nightmarishly busy#and my mother is sending strings of long voice memos in the family group chat again#i simply will not be listening to them. at most i'll ask my dad or brother for the sparknotes version#bc her pattern for the better part of this year has been radio silence. no attempt at communication whatsoever#and then BAM like 5-10 min worth of voice memos screaming crying sobbing shaking#I DON'T KNOW WHAT I HAVE TO DO TO GET MY CHILDREN TO FORGIVE ME. I'M CRAWLING ON MY KNEES ON THE DESERT FOR A HUNDRED YEARS REPENTING#WHAT THE FUCK IS FAMILY FOR YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING AND I'M SUFFERING SO MUCH AND I'M ALONE BECAUSE#MY FAMILY ABANDONED ME. I HAVE NO ONE. I DON'T KNOW WHAT I DID BUT I'M BEGGING. I NEED HELP I NEED MY KIDDOS AROUND ME PLEASE I'M DYING#followed by several minutes of sordid updates on her shitty miserable life#which is tbf pretty shitty & miserable. she's extremely physically disabled & mentally ill#her partner had a severe stroke a couple months ago and is still recovering. they've both been in & out of hospital#neither working. partner's adult son who lives with them is the only income in the household#partner's permanently disabled mother also lives with them. plus 2 large dogs 6 cats and 3 each of chickens & ducks#they're in court suing their landlord bc he's trying to evict them but the property is an uninhabitable shithole to begin with#but like. whenever i do make the mistake of responding to one of her groupchat tantrums#she's just like 'oh you know me im a survivor :) i just miss yous is all :) now that you're here i'm gonna bitch about my life for an hour#and ignore everything you have to say and show active disdain & boredom whenever you tell me anything about yourself or your life :)'#and if i offer help she refuses it#like it's just a bid for attention. expecting unconditional love and absolution and salvation from us bc That's What Families Do#she doesn't actually seem to give a shit about any of us as real people. just this ironclad delusion of unconditional family support#that she frankly has not earned#my brother actually did go visit her in the hospital on thanksgiving. driving 2hrs out of his way to do so#and she was a raging passive aggressive bitch to him and threw the gift he'd brought her back in his face#ma'am i know you're Going Through It but so are the rest of us & frankly you've given me zero reason to want to interact w/ ur caustic ass#plus this is petty but yet another way in which she doesn't listen to me & makes no attempt whatsoever at genuine relationship#i've told her numerous times that responding to groupchat voice memos is hard for me. that i love & miss her#and if she wants to see me or needs help or whatever to please contact me one on one either by call or text#nope. refuses to respond to/initiate individual contact. ONLY traumadumping in the fam chat. TLDR MY MOM IS A DISFUNCTIONAL TOXIC NIGHTMARE.
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ruthlessly deleting old 2021/2022 posts (not by me) from my dean studies tag like *click* un-incorporating that from my beliefs system! also the way SO many posts have me like ok uh-huh good aaand then say one completely wrong thing that loses me. it's so many posts.
#it's usually when they randomly drop some line of fanon. like saying dean has never admitted to being wrong in his life#or never expressed an emotion or been vulnerable or doesn't Talk About Feelings or is super duper RepressedTM#like i'm sorry. have you watched the show. oh and have you taken off the sammy POV goggles first?#bc this guy is always crying and being vulnerable and talking about his feelings. he is self-aware.#he may not always want to talk to sam abt things! but he sure does talk about things with other people#do i need to reblog the compilation posts AGAIN?#(also re: his sexualiy? AWARE. sorry i saw him flirt and be flustered by so many men. he knows how he feels.)#and then 'first time ever admitting to being wrong' this one came from a post abt dean's prayer in the trap#like i'm sorry but first of all. dean apologizes more than any other character on the show. there are hard numbers on this.#people have tracked this on spreadsheets. i think ilarual is one of them.#and often he is apologizing for things that aren't even his fault! but he still feels responsible for bc he's been made to feel that way#his whole life!!#other characters *cough samandcas *cough* apologizing Less doesn't mean they've Done less things wrong#it just means they're not owning up to it and brushing it under the rug. something both do frequently.#anyways. aside from apologies. dean also has no problem admitting he's wrong y'know when he's actually wrong#which is less often than you'd think bc he has pretty good instincts and intuition and often suspects things which turn out to be Right#but anyways. another thing abt the trap prayer is. i don't think cas Needed to be forgiven#i think dean was justified in feeling angry w cas over the circumstances leading to the Death of His Mother! totally normal grief response!#i think cas also understands dean to be someone who needs time to process and deal with his feelings (he says as much to jack)#however. despite me not think dean Needs to forgive cas. the thing is. with dean when it comes to cas the forgiveness is implicit#when he says /of course i forgive you/ and in the cut like /of course i wanted you to stay/ like. yes he was mad and dealing with grief#but also. yes cas was already forgiven even back then. he just needed Time to work through the feelings#anyways i think dean says he 'forgives' cas bc it's what CAS needed to hear to stop feeling guilty and dean gives him that closure#but i also think cas was already forgiven even in dean's anger. he wants him there always. i'd rather have you. we can fix this. etc etc#a lot of tags for a non-rebloggable post ajksdfs maybe i'll make these into a real post sometime#vic.txt#dean and feelings#so i can find this all again later
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can someone explain why I get so profoundly sad whenever casper loses like this?
#casper ruud#idk man I just hope he is okay everyone is allowed to have a bad time but I feel like bursting into tears whenever he does this bad#I mean another R1 exit is so depressing#I genuinely hope he gets some rest have so fun in the exho with holgie and goats again in australia#but for now I'll just cry a little and hope either holgie or carlos wins this#tennis
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Thus the design of Morgoth was fulfilled in a manner after his own heart; for Men took the lives of Men, and betrayed the Elves, and fear and hatred were aroused among those who should have been united against him. And the host of Maidros, assailed in front and rear, was dispersed and was driven from the battle eastward; and the Gorge of Aglon was filled with Orcs, and the Hill of Himring garrisoned by the soldiers of Angband, and the gates of the land were in the power of Morgoth. But fate saved the Sons of Fëanor, and though all were wounded none were slain. Yet their arms were scattered, and their people diminished, and their league broken; and they took to a wild and woodland life beneath the feet of Eredlindon, mingling with the Dark-elves, bereft of the power and glory of old. In the west of the battle Fingon fell, and flame sprang from his helm when it was cloven. He was overborne by the Balrogs and beaten to the earth, and his white banners were trodden underfoot.
—J.R.R. Tolkien: Quenta Silmarillion, The Lost Road and Other Writings
#*mine#mona's rambling#tolkien#silm#the silmarillion#sons of feanor#fingon#read yet another nirnaeth draft 4389 injured 892310 dead#almost like. i shan't say#there is so much going on here tbh but mostly i just like/ cry over those details like . man#but also once again losing my mind over that whole#'but fate saved the sons of feanor' i just keep having a TIME. about the whole#free will/pre-determination of it all. like. one day i'll be able to put it into coherent words#but today is not that day
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*
#our tentative christmas eve dinner never materialized#because my mom needed to focus on making christmas happen tomorrow - she does so much#but instead we ended up having several wonderful times all together in the kitchen laughing today - which is amazing#I am so grateful to be home with my family this year#because I wasn't the last two years#and until this year there was so much stress in our home that it was unbearable - now there's stress outside but peace inside#and I'm home - and home is home again - in some ways more than it's been in a lifetime#I have cried with thankfulness a few times#God is so good and he has brought me back - when i thought i had lost my home forever#I suddenly realized all this last week in the middle of a video with the song “I'll Be Home for Christmas”#and started outright crying right then and there in front of my computer - and later again when praying at bedtime#I had multiple good conversations with my siblings today and yesterday#and did crafts with my sister#and had fun times and talks with another sibling#which was especially meaningful given some things that have happened lately#it was so good to laugh together#christmas#life#my life#thankfulness#grateful#thankful#God is good and he has answered many prayers#together#family
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listen idk much about gravity falls but that bill cypher dude reminds me of my old childhood oc and i felt the need to draw the lil fella again
#ray art#ray ocs#bill cipher#idk if this counts as bill cipher fanart but eh im counting it why not#and i am just now realizing that ive misspelled “cipher” as “cypher” this entire time after typing in his tag IM CRYING#THATS MY BAD IDK WHY BRAIN REGISTERED CIPHER LIKE THAT#i missed drawing this oc a lot tho damn its been ages#my lil eye creechur <33#also hi hello im back after a. While! Again!#ik i keep on saying ill post more soon and then just disappear for another million months but im hoping this time i'll actually post more#ima try to post more doodles and whatnot instead of thinking i gotta post polished stuff all the time
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During the car ride home from work my mom has done the following:
Threatened and cursed me out for the actions of my sister
Threatened to move to a new place alongside threatening to kick us all out
Threatened to commit suicide to no longer have to deal with us
Tried to trick me into telling her how much I make and guilt me into paying her bills
And then finally acted as if none of this occurred while trying to joke around with me
#unfortunately this all has been a common occurrence since i was in fucking elementary school#she used to try and take the tiny amount of spare money that i was gifted by family for herself and pocket watch me#im so tired of being this woman's punching bag i need to get another job alongside my current one so that i can move out#like i had a good day and even had the chance to try on this coat from 1920-30 and now my entire mood is in the trash#anyways i'll probably cry a bit and move on it's only a matter of time before this occurs again with the last time being over my diploma
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sometimes i think about killing myself just so my family will be free of the burden that is me and finally leave the country.
#random thoughts#but that's another selfish thought. both my mother and my brother now have told me i am selfish.#and selfish to rather want to kill myself than improve on myself. i don't know how to improve.#my brother says all i care about is myself. and my friends. and that i'd rather have my friends than my family be happy.#which sometimes yes i would. i'm selfish enough to forget about my family all the time.#i need to improve but i don't know how. someone who is almost two years younger claims to be more emotionally intelligent.#and it's true. is it? i don't know.#i don't know. how to improve. i feel both too young and too old to know how.#i'll talk to my therapist again soon. but i can't because help from others will cause chaos.#and i can't talk to people because they won't listen. but do i even understand what i'm saying?#and i can't cut myself because that's selfish also.#i don't know if i want to even leave because i have so many friends that love me and i love them too.#more than my family? selfish selfish selfish.#all i am is someone who wants to please. so people will like me.#so that i feel good about myself. no. so that they feel good about themselves#so i make them feel good. i want to do that.#but first i need to leave them.#and earlier i wanted to cry but i was in the presence of my mother. and so we embraced.#i feel worse than ever like i am back in august.#i can't be fixed i can't be saved. can we get to the good part already now.
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You've seen first ten pull now get ready for~
First single pull!!! (((φ(◎ロ◎;)φ)))(((φ(◎ロ◎;)φ)))(((φ(◎ロ◎;)φ)))
Now you must be looking at this like
'Wait Kazzie you were talking about Eiden rooms, how did you just now get him?!'
I pulled him in Bliss first. ˋ( ° ▽、° ) This is my main.
Of course since I pulled him first try off this banner that means when Demon King Eiden rerun comes up those 190 red gems are going into the void with nothing in return. _(:з)∠)_
Sadness . . .
#nu carnival#Picture me in bed#I just finished my dailies#Got a contract off the latter to made a ten bundle#That means I can do single pulls with gems#Stare at the banner longingly#My Bliss account is for mainly fucking around and pulling when I can't pull on main#So the Eiden there is never gonna get used in any hard battles and what not#Fuck it yolo#I'll just pull with gems so my contracts are safe for the time being until I get another single contract and I'll stop#Pull I see the rainbow#Oh I got someone#There's no way it's Eiden right#'Don't be scared. 'I' will protect you'#He actually fucking dropped#Cover my face and cry#dies laughing forever#No seriously#I'm gonna be so fucking sad when/if I don't get DKEiden#/(ㄒoㄒ)/~~/(ㄒoㄒ)/~~/(ㄒoㄒ)/~~#God please Eiden#Bless me again and I'll never ask for anything else for the rest of the year
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#another day another vent post#i really shouldn't keep doing this honestly. it doesn't solve anything i think#but i feel I've been too trauma-dumpy in the places i usually go and my dm restrictions mean my options are limited#so.... tumblr it goes i guess#helps that the problem tonight is feeling completely numb and apathetic.#isolating myself because i don't give a shit whether i live or die#and honestly can't really make myself feel..... like any of it matters#is it my meds doing this? who knows.....#any number of things could have caused this#i just. don't give a fuck enough to think about what#i have therapy on Thursday. I'm hopeful it'll help#well. normally I'm hopeful. I'll pretend i am now too.#start actually doing something about whatever is wrong with me.#sigh...#...i don't know if this is a cry for help or not...? i guess I'll slap in the same 'one-time free pass' to dm me on discord again#i can't really picture myself replying and i have no idea what would help. nothing feels like it would. and i may honesty to god just#fall asleep instead.#sorry to keep doing this shit#one day it'll be better#maybe.#Hopefully.
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Thought about the okami sequel too hard again and instantly teared up I swear I've never been so happy and emotional over a game announcement in my life
#okami sequel#okami#okami 2#oh look she speaks#i still can't stop watching reaction videos and every time someone screams when they realise i tear up#if i was home alone i fully believe I'd just start full on sobbing#when they said the stars aligned they really fucking meant it#i JUST started a new game for okami just the other day before the announcement and i want to start another already#words cannot describe how much i have longed for this game above all others#no other announcement will ever compare i will never be this excited for a new game ever again#nothing else can get this reaction#not zelda not ace attorney. not even pokemon mystery dungeon#and anyone who knows me knows how much i love pokemon mystery dungeon#but okami is special. it's THE game to me. mystery dungeon is my favourite series but okami is my favourite game#it tops every single game I've ever played combined#I've never cried over a game before until now#I've never cried tears of joy until now#oh my god someone let me sleep and don't wake me up until the game comes out#BUT DON'T FUCKING RUSH THE GAME I S2G I DO NOT WANT THIS GAME RUSHED#I WANT IT TO BE DRENCHED IN LOVE AND CARE WHEN I FINALLY PLAY IT#i want to play it knowing everyone on the development team poured their heart and soul into making it. do not rush this I'll bite someone#anyways back to shaking from shock and joy#and trying not to cry because it's 3am and i don't wanna wake people up and have to explain I'm crying over the pretty wolf game
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love waiting for a phone appointment and the clock ticks past the set time....... 15 min now.... is her day busy and delayed, will she call in a sec or in half an hour instead? is she for some reason not calling at all but I didn’t get notified? has she forgotten? no idea and there's no way for me to call so I just have to wait.....
#it's a nurse checking in about the antidepressants#she's been lovely so far but i've felt anxious about it today for some reason#and now this#what....am i just supposed to go about my day until she calls??? sounds fake#i'll just be anxiously doing nothing while waiting#EDIT UPDATE: she was just late and also I almost cried at one point#not necessarily related to the depression but another personal Thing and even though what she said was broad and not something new really#I just.... a medical professional saying I'm far from the only one and I'll get there and just#ah yeah crying now#and i might not get another appointment with her :( fingers crossed tho that the doctor want her to check in instead of him#and fingers crossed even tighter that the psychologist won't just offer group therapy again I DON’T WANT THAT IT DIDN’T WORK LAST TIME
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