#I'd never leave my house
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source: ahometomakeyousmile
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It's 🍊 season ʕ ꈍᴥꈍʔ
(Base by bktb_trs on twitter)
#i ate a whole bag of lil oranges the toher day and i thought he might like some too#i dont typically do bases but this one was just too cute to pass up#its been a min since i drew anything chibi tho so im not actually suuuper happy with this#but i did it really quick as a warm up so#he's living my dream#if we could have a kotatsu in our house it'd be all over I'd never leave#anyways enjoy#art#my art#bnha#mha#my hero academia#shigaraki tomura#tenko shimura#mha shigaraki#bnha shigaraki#league of villains#lov#plf#chibi art
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if i failed to protect my kid during the apocalypse and they almost died wandering on their own but got rescued by a team of four competent, battle-experienced adults who cared about them very much and made them feel less scared and useless but refused to let them fight, i think that would be a pretty decent outcome and i'd be pretty okay with it. sure i could dream up a better situation but there's a hell of a lot of worse ones too.
#it's not like they took bonnie away from a safe lil village.. bonnie was on the verge of collapse!!#and no village is safe!!!!#better traveling to the place that will be last to freeze than left at some village that will freeze sooner#(and we can guess than nille agrees‚ since she and bonnie did not wait in bambouche to be frozen)#better ready for battle behind a team of fighters than caught unawares among people who have never fought#(regular people are obviously struggling right now - even nille failed to protect bonnie)#even with the king#if the party fails the land is frozen ANYWAY#is it really better to leave bonnie in dormont? distraught‚ abandoned? being held back from following by strangers?#is that really a better moment to be stuck in for eternity?#yeah maybe something worse would happen in the house#but sadnesses could attack the village too!#taking bonnie with them is absolutely a reasonable decision given all of the circumstances#i may be biased by my own nille characterization#HOWEVER#this is also my opinion as a parent u^u#like i might still be freaking out about it#but htat's. inevitable no matter WHAT it is that happened#bonnie WAS stuck in a bad situation and even the best solutions can't undo that#so yeah i'd be WORRIED#but i'd also be grateful the people who found my kid were decent folks who tried their best and did quite well all things considered#😭😭😭😭#thoughts#thoughts about bonnie#isat talk#i'm sick of not being able to fandom tag my posts that i don't want to put in the fandom tag so there now it's filterable lol
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the bad: i have been raised without much warmth from my parents in childhood, but also pressured to conform to familial authority, doubt myself always, and value familial connections above all else (<- failed at this, and feel guilt about it.)
but also in experiencing this i have been so isolated from the entire rest of the world and others, that it will be nearly impossible to create my own "family" -> find safety and comfort in anybody else once my family is Gone. despite dis i find it really difficult to break away from the familiar, disobey and disappoint, because, well, why are my wishes more important than anybody else's. why would I cause upset and distress in anybody, and exert so much effort into my doubt filled half decisions, for my meaningless little Wishes. being away would also mean less time with these people who I'll never see again once they're gone. being raised this way is definitely paying off for those who did so.
the good: yaaaay adjacent inspiration for writing talon lore
#talkys#my dad scaring me but also giving me no advice on what to do instead only saying if i do this it will be the wrong choice leading#to more wrong choices well yep you got me i am scared. i am inept. i fear regret and punishment for wrong decisions.#i struggle to make decisions because i cant go back on them.#''ill never have savings again'' and ''you cant value friends over family they'll abandon you''#and ''living here is only a problem for you because you dont communicate. there is a way to work things out''#i wish i could work it out and stay i dont know why i cant work it out ! and what do i want#to leave so badly for... to continue to never have stable housing#never have savings again? be alone and in danger?#to be able to wear whatever i want and...buy things? really? that doesnt seem very worth it#nothing seems very worth it#im miserable here but maybe i'd be more miserable away...it is true#well at least the chances to leave are very slim. and will continue to get slimmer the more time passes.#but maybe its fine i dont want to ruin my life or be even more of a burden or reason for distress in someone else's#moving out wouldnt fix anything. wherever you go there you are.#my friend said i have to be a little selfish (positive) to push myself to leave. bt i dont want to be selfish. im ashamed of that as a trai#delete later#even now i feel immense guilt and stress when my dad does things that hurt or bother me bc i know ill miss him when he's gone.#(and ill have nobody after all of that. due to the being kept in a cage)#that sucks. why does everyone else always win. why am i always the weakest pliable one. i wish i had no emotions#my surgery is the only decision in my life ive been 100% sure on for years#and even then my parent's words had me crying and rapidly changing emotions daily until the day came#im not strong enough or sure enough about anything else to withstand More of that#<- and i know that tomorrow im gonna be like actually you know what who cares lets try to leave#and the next day ill be resigned to staying here forever#and the next day ill be like actually you know what who cares l
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Just got a rude reminder about how great it is to never have children/ be an only child.
There's too much drama involved with dying, apparently.
#when grandaddy died. everyone was arguing over this and that. speaking over his widow and trying to plan his funeral instead of her and his#two daughters. three people who truly knew and listened to him. My mom was almost forced out of the first row at the funeral service by her#step brothers. mom and I got cheated out of things that were bequethed to us. and there was a lot of fighting.#my brother died and his son wanted some ashes. Momma didn't know until it was too late bc my nephews mom and her family wanted to start shit#he was not allowed to come with us to the graveyard. they forced him to leave before he could speak for himself.#some old man just died and my mom's friend (who made herself the center of attention at my brother's funeral) just called bitching and#cussin about some body shooting a dog and starting all kinds of shit over dogs and land and all that jazz like#and watching Dallas... both J.R. Ewings are obsessed with money. land. succession. and inheritance. and they always start trouble over that#Miss Ellie's brother came around bc he was dying and wanted to spend his last days with his sister while Jock and Jr started shit about land#ownership. Garrison didn't want Sourhfork even though HE inherited the ranch like. bro#how am I the only normal person in this shitshow?? I have Bipolar AuDHD!?!?!?! I halluncinate! BRO!!#death#inheritance#succession#family drama#ugh#tbh#even if my brother was alive I feel like there would be less drama between him and I.#I think I'd just take what I wanted and leave the rest with him. Is that what Mama wants? Absolutely not...#but I don't care. We can't take anything with us when we go. It'll all end up in a dump. antique shop. or collector's house anyway#none of it matters#most people never leave a mark on the world and THAT'S OKAY! we don't have to be remarkable to have worth right now#everyone will die when it's time for them to... no need to kick up a fuss.#the land might end up ruined or sold to the government or developed into something amazing. so what?#you're dead! IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU WANT!! that's the beauty of it all!#the shortness. the finality of it all. Life's too short for bullshit. You gotta party like it's your last day. every day.#one of the most rebellious things we can do in the fave of facism is to live true and unbothered (i know it's difficult)#if They want to suffer. They can. Don't submit in advance! I believe in Hope. It's all we have#I'll get my top surgery in time. I'll make my transition! I'll pick a name!! I believe in a future where We can live happier!#because I love humanity! I love the Earth and everything she has to offer. The endless beauty of living in spite of it all
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I really am so sad I don't like isat. The themeing was very good
#isat critical#like the ''we must be prepared for the destruction change will bring'' shit came back so hard at the end#specifically with loop context/destroying themself to become a star. to become loop#and the fact that when siffrin deviated from the script. finally changed the way he performed his play (act 5)#that's when it broke#and he had to ''destroy'' his friends to do it. In a way. When all he knew how to do was fight/snapped#and it's like. of COURSE loop is how siffrin was able to escape. Because escaping the loop meant siffrin had to save/love themself#value their own life and not just their friend's#to realize that they couldn't do it on their own. that they needed their friends to help them out of it. they needed support#that being loved was more than saying the right thing or doing the right quest#isat is so strong structurally/thematically/plot-wise and I personally despise it comedically/character/dialogue writing-wise#and the whole game is dialogue. like isat is the most conflicting experience I've had in a while#Where I hate actually reading the dialogue and I don't like the character writing but I love thinking about it's themes. like hello#that sucks i'd rather have it just be one or the other#*aaravos voice* you must live life in the grey#Like the king and siffrin foil is my beloved. And I absolutely adore how the King's story was ended.#But I dislike siffrin as a character and I also hate most of the game's execution#like every emotional beat is made anticlimactic by the lack of subtext and the constant repetition#(literally laughed out loud at ''my house my country my HOME!'' like we said the same thing 3 times babe. the whole game is like this)#isat has a huge case of ''we wanted conflict but didn't give characters any real flaws to be able to do it''#idk. Everyone repeated over and over that they don't touch siffrin because he's uncomfortable with it. Over and over.#And yet he's still like. ''It's because Isa finds you disgusting'' Huh. Idk if we did the work for Siffrin to come to that conclusion#Like literally Isa never does anything to even imply that. All he's ever done is sing Sif's praises. makes me feel crazy#Like ''oh he views everyone else as just a character!! a pawn!'' except no he doesn't. he barely did in act 5#and even in act 5 he's horrified at how he treated odile. like. we did not commit to that. I got sad lukewarm flowey#Do not even get me started on odile's ''I think it's so cute you trapped yourself in time and went crazy because you love us''. Girl#Like no we can. We can commit. Siffrin did bad things and going crazy was bad. Odile wasn't wrong to be upset.#Like why not 'That was terrible of you to say. But I won't leave you—you still love people who make mistakes- because what else is there?'#like we got so close with the worst loop being the permanent loop. Siffrin is still loved no matter what. But idk. Felt brushed off#oh isat...you strange being...
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thursday quest - no physical therapy today - make and eat lunch sooooo early but i can do it!!!!! - get ready for wedding - attend wedding! yay! (: - decompress well when i get home <3
#its thursday quest#god i'm so anxious about it autism style. so many uncertainties that i simply cannot account for alone. but i'm being sooo 'brave' about it#(keeping it to myself. except for posting about it)#taxi company hasn't texted me the drivers' details yet and i emailed them to be like ummmm your policy is to pay before the day#would you like to email me the payment details so i can do that? and they were like 'we'll send the driver details soon' ummmm#there isn't much soon left!!!!!!! it's happening tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!!!#they're probably just not Organised™ in the way i prefer to be. which is objectively fine it's just challenging for me personally.#i do not think it's Bad but!!!!! i've never taken a taxi before <- guy who Is Scared Of Taxis Specifically but has to face#their fears because they're disabled and have no other choice.#worst case i am down the money and no-one arrives to take me home i guess :P but it'll be afternoon AND my family are there so#in theory i could just get a lift home even though that would mess up other people's plans sooooo bad. UNLESS they have already drunk uhhhh#in which case i guess i'd just ask for help calling a taxi to the place. plany of people who can do such things easily (unlike me)#it'll be fine!!! i can ask my siblings if need be bc they are so niceys and will not get mad at me for being autistic o7#My other worry is being too hot and being in a rush getting ready bc i have to eat a proper meal due to the symptoms syndromes#and we are leaving when my lunch usually is so that's a whole thing. which ALSO doesn't matter and I can do! it's just hard!#where is that post that's like 'managed mental illness can look like absence of mental illness 😅'. NOT saying being autistic is mental#illness i am saying that the specific extreme anxiety i have is for me linked to autistic issues with 'the unknown' and boy. does this#social situation also have a lot of unknown.#BUT I CAN DO IT! and dare i say even have a nice time!!!!! it's just i get so so scared beforehand but i will not express it in a way that#impacts or inconveniences anyone else!!! i can handle it by myself at my house and it'll be fine
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Blanche's grandma's place is the only place she felt consistently loved in... no I'm fine. I'm fine
#the IMPLICATIONS#i completely forgot about that line#room 7 makes me lose my mind in general but ohhh my god#OH my god#i'm#yeah no i'm fine#i have so many feelings about this i can't even put them into words#idk but she speaks about that place with so so much nostalgia#we see blanche in a way we've never seen her with anyone from her past#she didn't look even remotely as happy or peaceful (or nostalgic!) when she visited her childhood home#but when she's in her grandma's old home? she calls it her family home#she talks about it like *that's* the place she grew up in#because apparently it was the only place she was always sure she could be loved#so i guess it might not have been the only place she grew up in#but it sure sounds like it was the one place she was allowed to be herself in and still be loved unconditionally#without competing for anyone's attention#ohh blanche ;-;#i teared up when she held that windchime and smiled right before finally leaving that house#that was *such* a powerful moment ;-;#anyway#uh#i guess i'll just go and stare at a wall or something now#the golden girls#blanche devereaux#adding on to this to say that maybe it really was the only place she grew up in#because to grow up i'd say you need an environment where you can at least somewhat freely explore your identity#without feeling a constant need to be the best/cutest/prettiest sister to get your parents' love and approval#it sounds like blanche grew older in her childhood home#and she got the chance to *grow up* with her grandma#(i knoooow i'm reading too much into this but i can't stop thinking about this episode)
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House’s Head / Wilson’s Heart - There Is A Light That Never Goes Out
And if a double-decker bus crashes into us To die by your side is such a heavenly way to die And if a ten-ton truck kills the both of us To die by your side, well, the pleasure, the privilege is mine
#i knooow i could have put more wilson#but i really wanted to focus in on amber and house#and the trauma that this leaves house with#also i don't think i'd never done a video where i limit the episodes i'm allowed to use#so that was fun and different#cover by popdorian btw#hate crimes md#house md#gregory house#amber volakis#house vid#my post#my video#housemv
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You ever wake up from a dream so fucked that you have to sit there for 10 minutes after waking to rewrite the ending so that you can move on with your day or are you normal
#messages from knave#i keep having these ongoing dreams about an alternate reality version of my life#mainly about my parents#like right after i lost my job i had a dream that they'd moved to another state on a whim#and just told me to either upend my entire life to move to florida with them or figure it out#and i ended up moving into a much shittier apartment before realizing 'wait i have a whole house' and moving back into my own house in NJ#and then last night i dreamed I'd visited them and spent a day with my nephews then we all went to a wrestling match#and then after almost being run over by my dad cause he started driving while i was getting into the car#we go back to their house and i take a fat nap only to wake up in the dream and discover that I've disturbed this thumbelina sized toddler#that my mom jad apparentky adopted and then completely forgot about. and we wtruggled to getbit comfortable again on its little ved#then it escaped as toddlers do and i went through a comedy of errors trying to find it only to find it seemingly plastic and lifeless#only for it to start going through rapid metamorphosis into an adult and running around my parents house#my dad and i tried to stop it from growing up becuase every transformation opened up a new pocket dimension or something#then the dream changed into something else as my brain slowly booted back up from a migraine back into reality and i woke up#but the visage of a polly pocket sized toddler being left behind in my adult sized bed really shook me for some reason#it was so small and it was on a teeny pink pillow and it had a little purple teddy it kept dropping#but now I'm thinking of the logitstics of actually raising a child you could step on and squash by accident#that must be nerve wracking like how did thumbelina make it to adulthood without being confibed to a single room or even a single table#cause my first instinct is to build a diarama on a table for them and never let them leave until they're old enough to dodge
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i just imagined Near in the csm universe and I almost gave myself an aneurysm
that would be so so so funny. a power/near interaction would heal me actually. or a light/denji one lmao. denji would kill light in sight for being a misogynist
#if i could draw i'd never leave my house drawing that lmao#denji would kick light's ass in the name of all women
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either the situation needs to improve or I need to start consuming some more substances
#SSRIs would count as a substance#but they require speaking to a medical provider#personal#just feeling like I'd like to never leave my house again#I've spent my entire life trying to be healthy and well-adjusted and normal#I think I deserve to get worse on purpose
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Ep 5!!!
#Episodes that make me go “The author has never talked with a woman ever” 😓😓😓#I don't like how Lucy's character is handled at all. And I feel like I can't talk about it because I'm just going to sound like a bitter–#ss/kk shipper... But I really don't like it. And if it can help my case I'm a multishipper so I really don't take any–#issues with atsu/lucy I like the ship quite a lot actually.#So you're telling me there's this girl... Who meets this boy who pretty much ruined her life by directly causing her to lose her job...#And the next time she sees him she's going to sacrifice her own freedom for him as well as tell him “when you're done doing your things–#come and save me” (longest ewwww ever)... And when she regains freedom (author didn't bother to explain how because they don't care)–#she goes to work... As a waitress at the café beneath his workplace. So he can keep doing his Cool Superpowers Job while she literally–#must serve him every time he visits the place. It's just ?????????????????????????????????#Look‚ I don't dislike Lucy and I feel general affection towards her. It's just that they make her act like no one ever would#Just for the sake of the plot I guess#And like I knoww it's (probably just a little) more nuanced than that. I know Lucy is living her own fairy tale fantasy.#It's just that what I've said about her story is still true‚ you know?#I'm sorry but as sweet as atsu/lucy can be. I really hate the author for making Lucy a waitress. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.#It's so weird. This anime has women writing standards that feel like dating back to the 20s#Same with Katai and the ideal woman tbh. Like why are women to be seen as this abstract impersonal entities? Why can't they just be people?#Ideal for WHO. It's like super screwed up of a concept. What even is an ideal woman? What does it mean to be a woman anyways?#They just want to say “ideal wife”. But women aren't made to be wives their existence isn't functional to another person.#Sorry. I derail. Next episode is going to be even worse on this front ughhhh#Back to the episode: once again it really shows they were running out of budget with this season‚‚‚ the animation looks very suffered#Too many flashback also... I feel bad for the animators tbh#I don't really like the shift in art style :( Not even Atsushi I found particularly pretty this episode my heart cries#The nail pulling thing made me feel like throwing up afhsjyabfsbfwasfvb I feel like I can bear worse gore but there's a couple of little–#specific things I can't stand and this seems to be one of them pffftttt#I like Higuchi I think she's both very funny and cool. I really wish she was explored more (but then again looking at Teruko... )#The relationship between Kunikida and Katai looks so interesting even though we only get glimpses of it. Kunikida regrets Katai leaving–#the ada but is also happy for him but also worries for him. He comes to his house seemingly to check on him and starts cleaning around.#The way he loves him and cherishes their friendship and shared history is really evident and it makes for a compelling dynamic.#Perhaps I should read their short story... In any case. Going to someone's house and compulsively start doing the dishes half out of will–#to help out half because he can't bear the mess sounds a lot like something I'd do lol
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woe is me post again sorry but i'm like mourning all the stuff i would love to read but just. can't. having brain damage sucks 👍
#kal.dir#to probably nobody's surprise i was always a really big reader. not even like just books#but now it's like. i can read like three paragraphs before i get a headache and my eyes start crossing#i miss reading articlesssssss#especially feels weird i think because i only have like. second and third hand memories of it#i'm like mourning my loss of an ability that i personally never experienced. along with like everything else#i miss being outdoorsy and going camping and just walking around to walk around#i miss. being able to leave the house on my own 👍#thinking about early 20s me like my mental health was at its worst which is saying something but also i was so fun and cool#and i did my fair share of like. fun stupid kinda dangerous shit#there's no way i'd almost get hit by a train these days. sad!
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#so never a dull moment#I might have left my purse on top off of my car after the fuel station#so I drove back and asked if they'd had it handed in#they said no#so i drove home and decided to keep an eye out for it in the road#and i saw a lump of rubbish in the road and thought “I better stop and check if that's my purse”#anyway it was my purse#and very clearly run over#here's the thing#it's not the first time I've done that at that exact Sainsbury's#last time a random woman dropped it off at my house#i didn't even know I'd lost it#this time I thought “i better not leave it on the roof of my car again”#AND I FUCKING DID#ahhhh well#all ended well
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The need to do laundry and food shop versus the desire to just rot playing video games all day versus the desire to go to Target for a little treat versus not having the energy to do anything
#vent#rotting in my room it is then i guess!!! tho i will try to also do laundry#fuck january bro all my homies hate january#and this coming week is gonna be the worst of it#like we'll be lucky if i manage to drag myself to work all 5 days when leaving my house sounds#like a terrible idea and the thought of it makes me panic looool#and it has nothing really to do with work itself like. even if that goes south it's a 30 day assignment with the possibility of extension#so i'd be out of it quick. but hopefully it'll be okay#it's just that this coming week of january is never good#and so everything else is Bad too#and leaving the house takes more mental bandwidth than i have
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