#I'M JUST SO FUCKING PROUD OF THIS JOB
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due to the fact that in the second series we were confirmed that the participants of the show still have some kind of sleep and dreams - my theory that Kinger suffers from insomnia was confirmed. and this means that these small "hangups" of the Kinger may actually be a banal attempt to sleep at least with his eyes open. or he is just autistic.
#my art#the amazing digital circus#tadc#tadc kinger#kinger#tadc queenie#queenie#I'M JUST SO FUCKING PROUD OF THIS JOB#FOR GOD'S SAKE#I DON'T BELIEVE I'M REALLY CAPABLE OF THIS#NOT ONLY THAT!! I FINISHED IT IN A LITTLE MORE THAN A DAY-#I am proud of myself
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me, a responsible being, working on the coding project as I should vs. me, a dysfunctional shithead, getting distracted by reading about brains (once aGAIN damnit (it's my favorite "I need to study my field but bc I should do that it's an impossible unthinkable feat now, so I'm reading about something else to fool my brain I'm still being productive"-topic))
#but after my thesis me & brains have been on a break bc got tired reading abt them during that (bc I had a topic that sorta allowed me to#sidetrack to brain stuff also) but seems I'm over the brain overload now#yay? i guess#also no one who actually studies medicine/brains/etc. yell at me abt wikipedia and like ''why are u studying that like that''#I'm just going through the wikipedia & reading article abstracts path; nothing serious#also my procrastination has reached inhuman levels like it's a full-time job now#bc I have like a chill week's worth of work to do and then I've done the courses for my bachelor's degree#but sending in that ''heyy i'm done with the courses let me graduate''-thing fills me up with sO MUCH anxiety & dread I'm working so slow#now (even tho couldn't send that in for like a month bc gotta first wait the courses to be graded and stuff so in actuality I should#not be slowing down even a bit bc I need to finally be done with this damn degree asap; gotta move on and should've ages ago (it's actually#super bad how late I'm with it (1.5 mf years jesus christ; I'm not even like a little bit proud abt getting a degree anymore like I'm sorta#just embarrassed if I have to tell ppl like ''yea I graduated'' bc dude ?? only now?? u were supposed to be done with that 1.5year#ago what have u been doing (fuck if I know) so I'm keeping it like ''if anyone asks'' basis)))#(the tags and parantheses started a life of their own lol sorry abt that)#studyblr#studyspo#bookblr#booklr#study#november 2024#2024
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Honestly, getting real tired carrying and supporting other folks around here when most of them aren't returning the favor...
#i'm two seconds away from nuking everything in my queue and drafts out of spite#but i don't feel good about that bc there's innocent collateral#this is tumblr‚ the place you're supposed to fucking share the stuff that your friend's and other people are making#and i get it‚ it's not possible to like and reblog everything here‚ i understand that and i'm not expecting that#it just sucks constantly feeling like no one gives a shit about the stuff you're proud of and put effort into‚ y'know?#there's an entire subsection of this fandom that basically ignores any vper that isn't running modded on pc#which is like half the fucking fandom and i definitely pissed some of those people off just for choosing who i associate with#i've been writing in this fandom for three years now and i still don't feel like i have any fucking writing friends#or a good place to get technical support#the writing associates i do have either don't read anything i write or when they do won't comment for some inexplicable reason#(if you're an author on ao3 you know‚ first hand‚ damn well how much comments mean to authors‚ so what's the deal?)#(if you actually don't like it‚ it's fine‚ don't even touch the kudos button‚ no one has to know you were there)#i'm traumatized from my previous discord experiences and am very reluctant to let people into my circle without vetting them first#even tumblr communities is a struggle for me because it still feels a like a popularity/social influence contest#and i know i'm fucking slow#sue me for having a life outside of the internet and wanting to be mindful and thoughtfully engaged with other people's artwork#i talk to people in the tags#i've been leaving comments on every fic i read now#i'm not expecting people to bend over backwards for me#but fostering community and friendships requires mutual exchange#and it's shitty feeling like you're generosity is constantly being fucking wasted#i'm trying to keep it fun around here but a lot aren't helping with that and this isn't a job for one person#sorry not sorry for the rant but i've been feeling very salty about this as of late#i know the holidays can be stressful and the fandom in general has been slowly shrinking which has probably exacerbated these issues#a lot of folks have moved on#but these issues have always been here and they aren't magically going to go away unless people work on them#i'm not expecting anything i make to break the bank at this point but when your friends won't even put your crappy art on the fridge anymor#like why are we here?#i also don't understand the people who are following me but never interact with anything i make???#rambling into the void
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wouldn't it be nice if the author of the fics finished them. the author is me.
#vent#for the last 4 months my life has been in stupid crisis mode#like constantly#from major ones where i had to move out for a while because it was impossible to stay where i lived#to not being able to use my kitchen for over a week#and like other more or less minor house related stuff that made it impossible for me to use something normally#not a single week without something like that or shit at work which is constantly being so fucking chaotic#and now someone died in my family#not someone very close but i liked them#and of course like feeling sad that they are gone can't be the only thing#because it has to come with the headache of i need to travel for their funeral and it's just before easter#so there's no one in this city to leave my dog with#because most of my friends either live abroad or have cats or are busy before easter..#i'd just want a week where nothing happens#and like the writing is weighing heavy on me#because i miss it#also i wish i could finish something#i wish something good would happen that i could feel proud off#also because i'm mentally ill and fucking stupid when i was going crazy with my kitchen not working and work shit#i bought new furniture#because after 15 years i've finally had enough money to buy some that aren't fucking black and inconvenient and ugly#which is like a huge project and a crisis i brought onto myself#just because i was too burnt out to write#and i wanted something nice to happen to me#like a nice living space that doesn't make feel like i have no ownership over it because everything in it was some else's choice#and that old furniture was bought by my mother and my brother ages ago and it's handmedowns#and my fucking horrible mother feels personally slighted that i want to get rid of a bed that is broken#because my brother's kids jumped on it regularly when they used to visit pre covid#yeah it's been broken that long because i lost all my savings during covid and had to change careers to a souless pointless corpo job#long pathetic whine and overshare over
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You know, this was your crusade. Now it's our war.
#leverage#the long goodbye job#so i've been avoiding watching the last ep for a long long time#just because i#1. love leverage. oh my god it's the best show i've seen in years i can't believe it took me this long to actually watch it#and i just really really didn't want it to end#2. i was just kinda worried about what would happen because i just. i love the guys so much. i don't want anything bad to happen to them#but this is honestly such a good series finale#i love it#nate: i'd say to call if you need anything but you never need anything#eliot: yeah i do. but thanks to you i dont have to search anymore#and parker#oh my god parker is so adult i'm so proud of her#1000/10 character growth#and she becomes the fucking mastermind#“we provide... leverage.”#and they don't make her like nate! she is still undeniably 100% parker in that scene!!!!#i am not okay#i fucking love this so much#the kids are all grown up now and ready to run this show on their own#and so we let them take over and end the show there.#perf#herr's personal tag
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Not to be sappy on main, but I will forever be a hater to people who say video games can't be a productive use of your time.
#ig it's time to talk about how#elden ring#literally saved my life#i spent my last 40 dollars on the game this time last year in fact#i was spiraling real bad at the time too#quit my job#quit my hobbies#felt so certain that i would quit school too#and then i decided hey i'm gonna play that game my old coworkers talked about just to feel closer to them#and i fucking loved it#i loved every second of it#it got me excited for the first time in years to try something new#maybe it was the sense of nostalgia it gave me for DA:O#but elden ring was the first game to make me feel like i was good at something in almost a decade#i don't care if you used a cheese weapon#or beat godrick with your bare fists#what matters is that you had fun#because let me tell you#if i hadn't been having fun#if i hadn't been looking forward to getting online every day and helping people beat malenia#then i probably wouldn't be here to post this today#anyways this is long but my point is- you have to live#no matter what it is#find something to live for#if playing elden ring keeps you excited to live than play it#if thinking master chief would be proud of you for brushing your teeth than by god soldier you go ahead and keep doing that#this is already really long but i also want to say#thank you all so fucking much for interacting with me#whether its my posts or from in game summons#fight on ye tarnished- i believe in you
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#vent in tags#im so close to getting this job#and i hate how much i desperately want to tell my family#like why the fuck do they deserve to know anything that's going on in my life?#and i get mad at myself for that impulsive want#but then i remind myself that it's okay to want that#it's not my fault that they've hurt me or been such a shitty family#and it's natural to want our family to be proud of us#no they don't deserve to hear about it before we're ready#especially if i don't actually get the job and they'd get to witness one more failure to throw at me#but i shouldn't be mad at myself for wanting them to be proud#that said#if i Do get the job i'm still gonna wait to tell them until Christmas#they'll eat that shit up#that was always the plan. it's just the not telling them i'm 2/3 interviews in to a really nice job that i'm struggling with
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#an internship i really wanted rejected me#lollll okay#at the one hand i know rejections are part of life and i shouldnt let it get me down#the most successful people have gotten rejected so many times too in the beginning#but on the other hand yeah rejections suck ass and especially in my case#im so proud and stubborn#and i'm like okay fuck you i dont even want to work for you or do an internship anymore ever with you#while of course i was really interested in that and hoped that i would be selected. they didnt even let me do an interview#ofc 48 ppl applied for the position but okay#so the thing is. idk if i should keep trying despite the disappointment or if i should look for smth else#i mean i already kind of did something for this sort of work during my minor and i really didnt like it looooool#so yah#the job just seemed cool and has prestige and a sign of “success”
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#tw: vent#so my mother is basically mean to me like 99 % of the time and we literally argue every single day#and i have been trying my hardest to not pay any heed to what she tells me but recently she told me something that really#made me feel so incredibly hurt and stupid idek how to put thaf into words#i avoid sharing things with her because she makes me feel bad about even the tiniest most unnecessary thing i share with her#so basically i have this one friend who was staying away from home for uni and she lives near me so i always try to be there for her#becayse i know how lonely it gets for her and i always go everytime my friends need me and my mom hates that#she makes me feel like being nice to my friends and others is the dumbest thing on this planet and that im stupid#but if my sister does it she's an angel#i was just waiting for my friend to figure things out as she was moving back home after uni ended so we could go look at internships#toghether#and she went home and got a job and while im happy for her she didn't even mention anything about it which made me sad enough but when i#told my mother about it she made me feel worse she said that was not very nice what she did you did so much for her and i told her#that's alright i dont mind and she said that my friend used me for her benefit and that I'm stupid for being nice to people#because according to her every nice thing that ive done is stupid and nothing i have done is going to make her feel proud or is enough#she qould NEVER say this to my sisters EVER#aah fuck this became too long#im so sorry if anyone came across this#but yes my mother is literally my biggest enemy most times ngl#she makes me feel like i wish i was not alive#it hurts to see my friends have great relationship with their moms and sisters#:')
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It's been so long since I've had to exist within a group of people consistently over many days and damn, I nearly forgot I was autistic. I found out yesterday that though I get along with almost everyone at work, most of my coworkers thought I was a huge bitch who hated everyone for a little bit (and one still does, which is how this whole thing came up at all). I was bewildered like. No I'm very often dizzy or in a bit of pain and I'm very focused on taking care of the dogs but I'm not - I don't dislike any of you? I've never been mad at you, you guys thought I was mad?? Just an alarming disconnect between the way I see myself and the way I come off to others. I have never once gotten the hang of behaving like a regular person, but it appears that time has taken me from "generally silly person with an offbeat sense of humor who doesn't take things seriously" to "stoic hardass who doesn't like you and thinks you're stupid also." I did not authorize this change. It's throwing me for a loop. I feel like I'm 6 again being told to stop talking over people's heads because I just learned a new big word and I wanted to use and share it. I like assholes with a heart of gold in media. I don't want to be one??
#Like I've essentially been locked alone in a room for three years almost four due to the pandemic#And before that my big job was working in a warehouse where we mostly worked separately#But I remember the times we did socialize I fit in#But I also remember my coworkers were all nerds and that helped#Like idk I feel like I've been sleeping for years and woke up to being a different person#I know it's been hard for me to manage migraines and such (though it's getting easier or I'm just in a good proud period)#But damn#Everyone I've talked to at work figured out pretty quickly that I really can be fun to talk to#But this one girl is avoiding me and I think it's because I was stressed on Thanksgiving day#And probably went from an unknown to a definite asshole in her mind#So I need to talk to her but having it explained to me last night like#'I told her it's not anything personal and you're just kind of like that with everyone' and I was like#Fuck! Am I awful to interact with initially?? Or worse - always until you adapt?
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I love being the always single person in my family, mad respect to my sister for constantly dating guys for the last 8 years, I would have shot myself
#whenever my mom asks if i have love news of my own while we're talking about my sister's newest catch and i say no#i hope she doesn't feel pity because like. this is the life that i choose. my sister's ex boyfriends were enough for ME even#and i only met a handful of them personally but heard more than enough shit about them#i just always think i'm only flirting with some guys only to never talk to them again or ghost them because it's fun#fat girl who's always been seen as ugly by other people gets to flirt with good looking people is the ultimate ego boost arc#if i ever date anyone seriously again it better be true love and end in kids and marriage until death or i'll live as a hermit#until that happens tho...... life is a party i don't wanna miss a thing break some men's heart get revenge yolo etc etc#also the thought of actively dating freaks me out. if i meet someone and we tolerate each other long term that's good#but dating apps or going on dates with several people and deciding who's the best like on the bachelorette?? death first#plus i lowkey don't like men as a concept. at least the type i've dated. i guess you could say my last ex traumatized me hahaha 👍🏻 (🔨🔨)#i think i'm too young to be in a committed relationship anyway. or even to seek getting into one. there are much more important things rn#i know former classmates my age are having kids or getting married but idgaf the one who got engaged last year has been with him for 7 year#which is a decent time tbh you change quite a bit during that time and if it feels right why not#but i can't wrap my head around searching for a relationship when you don't even have a stable job and know what else you want in life#rambling again sorryyyy but yeah proud single here and i'm not saying this out of spite because i genuinely enjoy it#all relationships i've been in were so draining (tbf they were long distance too) and got me at rock bottom and had me filled with regret#also these men can be so controlling and jealous when you just wanna go out with friends while they do whatever they want too#but when you say you don't want a jealous partner they think that's a free pass for them to cheat like what the actual fuck#do you see the difference between being unnecessarily jealous when you hang out with friends and being rightfully jealous when they cheat??#at this point idk what to say. i'm very entertained by my friends' dating journeys but that couldn't be me#all the gossip i provide for them is which people i flirted with for the ego and who i ghosted and who ghosted me#mel talks
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I crave validation so strongly. I wish I could help everyone in the world and yet I am unable to help myself.
#this website is constantly telling me that trying to help myself with mental health is some sort of bougie indulgance and insulting to gaza#and it's a quick jump from there to thinking the same about trying to access transition#and from there it's my life is meaningless and my suicide would be celebrated if i put the right post on twitter before#tw suicide#i feel like the obvious thing to do is quit tumblr and stop encountering these messages- but i have nowhere else i feel#i can talk about the ugliest parts of myself#and recently i put an artwork on instagram that i worked on for 15 months and it got 7 likes and i'm fucking destroyed by that#i genuinely can't tell you how upset#but i know that's not healthy- i should be able to like and feel proud of my work no matter how many people press a thing#or see it in the first place- we all know its algorithm that does it#i never want to become someone who moans about algorithms and guilts for likes and yet here we are#leaving instagram would seem the obvious solution but i need that validation so badly#i don't even want to make art my job ever! i'll be doing it no matter what i just want people to like it and like me#to think i am someone worthwhile#i don't understand why i'm like this i have no good reasons i have never lacked for love in my life#and yet i can't feel it#i hate myself
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what do u meannnnnnn i'm abt to be post college graduation 🧍🏻♀️🧍🏻♀️🧍🏻♀️
#apparnelty some family friends coming to my graudation#bc ig i'm the first in the generation to graduate or whatever the fuck#and like whatever that's fine but ffs i wish they would've come to my show instead#that i co directed and literally love sos o so oso sosososoososooo much#so so so proud of that#i don't give a shit abt my graduation tbh lmfao TT#so it lowkey doesn't mean much to me that they want to come to my graduation ;-;#it would've meant so fucking much if i knew they would be able to come#and want to see that and i could like suggest hey instead come see this show LMAO#like it probably wouldn't have happened but whatever#also just like i have like no motivation and no interest in stats at this point lmfao#ALSO bc these ppl all gonna be fucking talking abotu and asking abt what i'm doing after#I DON'T KNOWWWWW what i'm fucking doingggggggg#i alr get enough talk from my mom abt how i'm not applying to enough jobs#i dont need family friends to also be asking me and my answer just being ha idk#i'm fucking staying at college tho like on campus bc i'm a fucking loser and don't want to move on#like not rly. i'm kinda trying to see it as like#the alternative would've been me at home being a loser lol#and that would've been so annoying and even if this isn't the 'right' thing to do or most traditional#at least i'm choosing to do it ig#and i get to stay in this club w my bestestestestest friends for another yr#idc if i'm like not moving on when i should LOL too bad for me that's a future problem#and also kinda figure out this weird right after college time period w my friend who i'm rooming with#ok. slay that was. acool turnaround from me lmfao just . yeah ok that's the positive side ig lmao#anyway i also dont give a shit about graduation bc i hate my university rn lmfao :) and the world is burning down#jeanne talks#i am . procrastinating#imagine knowing what the fuck i learned in this class this whole semester#ugh literally two group projects to end on and two of the most boring annoying group project experiences i've had LMAO
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#I'm tired of feeling like this#im tired of being like this#i just want it all to fuckin stop already#i just need a long nap#and to be told hey you're doing a good job and im proud of you#i have struggled for so fucking long#i hate this#its the bpd but wtf#my appointment is next week#i just need to hold on#maybe#muffin mumbles
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the downside of subscribing to a substack telling me about US trans news: i now know about US trans news
#and i know about one guy who has a real high chance of being elected in my area if he gets past the republican primary#when have we ever not elected a republican? it's all up to who republican voters decide they want to run#serious post#us stuff#would tag this for trans stuff too but I'm hoping this doesn't end up in tags for anything#venting about it in detail would dox me I guess but.#the 'upside' of not having gotten my shit together enough to start hrt or anything: can go back into the closet pretty easily#is it stupid that i'd chose shaving my face and going back into the closet over potentially having to leave my cat?#he's such a sensitive little dude idk if he'd be able to keep food down if I moved him to a totally new environment. he'd be too stressed#not enough money to get a loan for a house and can't rent a place with all the cats so i'd have to just go by myself if i went#they'd be fine here with just mom but. idk man. i guess we'll see what my options end up being#even if we could magically get a house with a really low loan mom wouldn't have a job#and i've found the least miserable job i'm ever going to be qualified for i think. might be stupid to not want to leave it#just so I don't have to go back into retail#but I don't want to leave the job either. not going to find anything better#so I guess I'll stay even if it would be smarter to go#proud to be an american huh? fuck.
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prolific is slow, so more filming and posting it is for today (tho I'm making!! slow progress!! towards enough ad revenue for a payout, and i got like 100 views across all my stuff yesterday alone! which isn't a lot for most ppl but for me it's !!!! which makes it worth it to try and keep up the tighter filming/posting schedule as best I can)
#text post#im gonna check on prolific again tonight tho bc i can do more then as well#then break from that and filming the days i work the day job (in theory at least lol tho after shift time who knows)#i know being proud of my side gig isn't probably how most ppl want me to feel abt it but. i am proud#im creating stuff using myself! and ppl like it! and it's Just Me in the content nothing else for them to claim they watch for that only#and im exploring new things and feeling more confident in my body and myself and like. dang it i wanna be proud of that#im alive and im trying and I'm working towards better overall and being better and contributing more in general#i don't feel allowed to be proud of that either bc the bar is So Low but most of last week and into this one#the brain has been full on Suicidal Ideation time nearly 24/7 even with coping skills/tools so like. fuck me i think if i wanna continue#to survive and shit maybe i do have to occasionally let myself be proud of the lowest not even over the bar things
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