#I'M A GOD | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

moonythejedi394 · 1 month ago

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you didn't ask for this but you deserve it

Bucky’s memories get hazy quickly. He remembers getting halfway through the bottle of tequila and not stopping, hearing Weasel say something about a half-pint and no more, and now Weasel’s got his phone and is squinting at it.

“Who do I call?”

“Ghost Busters!” Bucky sings, waving his metal hand absently.

“No, for you to get home, who do I call?”

“Becks,” Bucky mutters. “Becca. Rebecca. Becky. Becky who tol’ me not t’a date a fuckin’ stripper an’ then I wen’ an’ did i’ anyways,” he mutters into the bottle, before tipping it back and getting nothing. He squints into it upside down, then drops it onto the counter and sighs. “I should’a fuckin’ listened, Weasel. My sister’s smart. She’s smarter than me for sure.”

“Becky,” Weasel mutters. “Ah!”

Bucky starts thunking his head on the counter. “Why am I so stupid?” he asks. “Why didn’t I fucking call him?”

“Yeah, hi, Becky? Sorry, Becca. Sorry, I will never again call you Becky, I swear on my mother’s grave. Oh, yeah, my name’s Weasel, I’m a bartender at Sister Margaret’s School for Wayward Children. Yeah, Weasel. School for Wayward Children, right. Benny knows where it is. Ye– Yes, Weasel as in Chicken Arms Weasel, whatever. Listen, I got one Winter Soldier here who needs a ride home ASAP, your honor.”

Bucky double-checks the bottle in his hands, just in case there’s any left.

“Oh, he’s toast,” Weasel adds, taking the empty bottle from Bucky’s limp fingers. “He’s not alcohol poisoning toast, I’m very careful about how drunk I let my patrons get, but his ass is grass and it’s about to get mowed. He’s gonna have a hangover for a week, maybe. Anyway, I’m cutting him off because he will get alcohol poisoning if he has anymore, and he is a depressing drunk these days, so can you come get him? Yeah, he’s been all maudlin and sad eyes for the past three hours, it’s ruining the atmosphere. He’s like a drowned kitten. If I have to give him another napkin to blow his nose I’m gonna blow his head off instead.” Weasel’s quiet for a second, then nods. “Great. Thanks.”

Weasel then gives Bucky back his phone and a pat on the shoulder. “Becca said she’ll be here in half an hour,” he says. “But you’re officially cut off, big guy. No more until next week, okay? If I see your maudlin, deadbeat dad ass back in here before then, I’m turning you out so your liver can recover and you can leave a few spare pennies to the kid you’re not allowed to be a dad to in five years.”

“I’m a dad,” Bucky mumbles.

“Happy Father’s Day,” Weasel says sympathetically.

“I’m a dad and my ex is too pissed at me to let me be a dad,” Bucky bemoans. “‘Cause he thinks I tried to get out of our relationship by lying about my little sister gettin’ abducted by aliens… What a fucking world.”

“Jesus, are you the Winter Soldier or the Spring Meltdown?” Weasel asks.

“Ha-ha,” Bucky mutters. “Fuck… I let ‘im slip through my fingers, Weasel. He jus’… slipped away…”

“You can’t win everything, buddy.”

“I should’ve just called him!” Bucky says again, thunking his forehead on the bar. “I was so obsessed with bringin’ back Benny an’ Ma – I – I should’ve called him.”

“You didn’t know,” Weasel says, patting his shoulder.

Bucky drops his head onto the countertop and groans.

“Hey,” somebody next to him, a fella with a real ugly mug, says. “They already added you back to the Dead Pool. You gonna croak? You look like you’re about to croak. ‘Cause I could really use the money, yannow?”

“Fuck off, Wade!” Weasel says. “The man’s a brand new father of a seven-year-old he didn’t know existed until today!”

“Gee, thanks, tell everybody why don’t you,” Bucky says, muffled by the countertop. “Put it on a billboard, Bucky Barnes has a kid he dudn’t get to be a dad to. Maybe I’ll win an award for worst father ever.”

“That’ll break your heart,” Wade, supposedly, says. “Wow. Is it worse to be the brand new dad of a seven-year-old you never knew about or a two-year-old you never knew about?”

“You don’t have a two-year-old,” Weasel says, confused.

“I don’t,” Wade confirms. “I’m talking about Mopey, would he rather the kid be two or seven.”

“Two!” Bucky says, sitting up and throwing up three declarative fingers. Weasel folds one of them. “Two,” Bucky repeats, blinking.

“Yeah, that is less time missed,” Wade says. “No brainer, I guess. Well, either way, you still don’t have your OG left arm and Steve was still a stripper.”

Bucky cocks his head at Wade. “Huh?”

“Ignore him, he’ll only confuse you,” Weasel says quickly.

“We’re living in a simulation,” Wade whispers to Bucky. “A virtual world created only by using the English language and your imagination! There’s no pictures, just words! And we’re all being puppeteered around a mental stage by a keyboard and a mouse, all to the whims of an unfeeling god who likes keeping you –” he pokes Bucky in the chest and Bucky looks down in confusion before meeting Wade’s gaze again, “– in the dark about how many children you may or may not have!”

“I have more children?” Bucky whispers in horror.

“No, no, sorry, not right now,” Wade says, patting his arm. “You just got the one for now.”

“Good,” Bucky says, nodding in relief.

“And to be more clear,” Wade carries on, “you should know that our God is not the God from the Supernatural canon. His name’s Chuck, he’s an okay guy. But he’s also fictional, so there’s probably another god like the one we have above his universe.”

“G-d’s name is Chuck?” Bucky whispers in confusion.

“Well, and I suppose our God’s not an unfeeling god, exactly,” Wade continues without answering Bucky’s query. “Just bored, probably. And possibly an insomniac. But!” Wade adds with a grin. “Speaking of God. If I had a nickel for every time our God gave you a son and didn’t tell you about it until way later, I’d have two and a half nickels, which isn’t a lot, but it’s weird that it’s happened twice plus almost a third time.”

“You’re gonna give me a headache,” Bucky says, turning away. “G-d’s nah real or he’s a lady. Wait.” He turns back. “Two an’ a half nickels?”

“Two and a half nickels,” Wade confirms, showing Bucky between his fingers two whole nickels and a third cut neatly in half.

“How much is half a nickel worth?” Bucky whispers. “Why do you have two and a half nickels?”

“Well, there’s a nickel for you not knowing the kid ever existed until you meet them post-birth,” Wade says, “and that’s happened twice so far,” he drops the two whole nickels onto the bartop. “But there’s a half a nickel,” he continues, holding the half of a nickel up now, “for the time you did know the kid existed, you just didn’t know if it was a boy or girl and for some reason you couldn’t make it to the birth. I think you were in Siberia chasing a cannibal or something.”

Bucky nods, trying very hard to follow along.

“And I guess,” Wade continues, “you could count the time you got him pregnant but the two of you insisted you were not in love with each other until the baby was born as a negative nickel, because you knew the entire time and still didn’t really get to be a dad until after you got back together with Steve. So, really, one and a half nickels if you do the math.”

Bucky blinks at the nickels. There’s one whole nickel, one half of a nickel. He double checks. One nickel, one half a nickel. “There were definitely two whole nickels,” he mutters.

“Not once we got through PEMDAS.”

“You said one kid,” Bucky says with a heavy frown, holding up a finger. “I have one kid.”

“For you, right now, right here, yes,” Wade confirms. “Elsewhere, elsewhen, approximately one year and two months from this moment shared between us? It depends.”

“What?” Bucky says. “Never mind. I’m too drunk for this.”

“In the timeline with that half-nickel, God overcompensated and gave you seventeen children!” Wade adds, slapping Bucky on the back. “Eighteen if the first one had lived.”

Bucky chokes on nothing. “Eighteen? Am I allergic to condoms or something?”

“No, no, just monogamous, so instead you had four vasectomies but they all reversed themselves,” Wade answers.

Bucky blinks at him. “My – my bits put themselves back together?”

“Yep,” Wade says. “The first time it happened, you had to sleep on the couch until the doc proved he had clipped your wings! The second time, you just got yelled at. Third time? He said God must really want your family tree to flourish. Fourth time, y’all just gave up and waited for menopause.”

Bucky just stares blankly at Wade.

“Don’t worry about it, there’s no super soldier serum in this universe because we crossed over from Marvel to Supernatural, so if you get a vasectomy now, it won’t reverse itself. But don’t get a vasectomy,” Wade adds quickly. “Not yet.”

“Not yet?” Bucky repeats, confused. “I need one in the future?”

“Yes, you and Steve will decide to cap the spigot later on,” Wade says, then turns as Weasel passes them. “Weasel, I would like a Blow Job, please.”

“What?” Bucky says, blinking hard. “Steve an’… Cap the what?”

“I hate you and stop filling the man’s head with nonsense about your Goddamn nickels,” Weasel says, but goes to make a Blow Job.

“I hate him, too, I think,” Bucky mutters. “How many nickels did he have? Why does G-d give him nickels?”

“Break a leg with Steve and Eli,” Wade says, clapping Bucky on the shoulder again. “I have it on good authority that you won’t be in the pits forever.”

Bucky laughs, then falls over the countertop again busting his sides laughing.

“What?” Wade says.

“Buddy,” Bucky mutters as he sits up again. “I sold my soul. I do literally have eternity in the pits to look forward to. I only got five years left an’ I’mma spend ‘em knowing I have a son but not being able to do damn thing about it.”

“Haven’t you seen the Parent Trap?” Wade asks. “You don’t need to lift a finger. Just stand still and be a good dad to Eli. Right?”

“Right,” Bucky says, not sure he agrees. “Who’s Eli?”

“Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do, Barnes!” Wade bids.

“I don’t even know you,” Bucky says as he walks away. “Wait a second!”

Wade comes back, leaning on the counter. “Are you, in fact, going to croak it? Because I need to get my bet in. I mean, I know you’re gonna die in your sleep at like 93, but are you gonna croak?”

“How do you know his name’s Steve?” Bucky asks, bewildered.

“Who?” Wade asks.

“The guy who had my kid,” Bucky says. “How do you know his name’s Steve?”

“I scrolled up,” Wade answers.

“What?” Bucky says.

“Now I’m scrolling away,” Wade tells him, patting him on the shoulder before leaving.

Weasel comes back, holding the finished blowjob. “Are you serious?” he says, looking around. “Again?”

“Huh?” Bucky says, blinking slowly.

“He keeps ordering blowjobs and then walking away before I can give them to him!” Weasel snaps. “He only does it so he can say, I would like a blowjob please! Pisses me off.”

Weasel downs the blowjob, grimacing. Bucky puts his head back down on the counter, resting his eyes against the lights. He’s light-headed and the room is spinning, but if he keeps his eyes closed, it feels less like he’s on deck in the middle of a hurricane. Steve’s pretty face swims in his mind alongside the face of Bucky’s kid that he had without telling him. His drunken thoughts prod along daydreams of a world where he’d told Steve the real truth no matter how crazy it sounded and Steve had believed him and then he’d gotten to be there for his kid the whole time.

#i am immensely pleased with this fic #i'm a god #not like in the delusional sense in the like meta sense like chuck is god in supernatural moonythejedi is god in this fic #or whatever i'm calling myself #his ass is grass and it's about to get mowed #why does god give wade nickels #bc it's funny #oh if it wasn't clear this is from my new spn x stucky fic #no title only vibes #are you the winter soldier or the spring meltdown #i write straight bangers

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