#I’ve thought before that people don’t do anime yelling in live-action media

[somerunner]

Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

(gets out of bed)

[bullshittierlists]

Spoiler Warning!!! - This review will contain spoilers for all of SDR2 and the first chapter of DRV3 as well as slight spoilers for DR1. You’ve been warned.

I see no god up here other than me

Gundham Tanaka- His name is GUNDHam TaNAKA

Sonia Nevermind- This is my third time typing this rant. I literally don’t know why people hate her so much?? There are two main arguments that I’ve come across. The first is that she is boring and shouldn’t have survived, but that’s the same as Asahina and everyone seems to love her. (Don’t get me wrong, I also love her, but all she had were donuts and her relationship with Sakura) She’s just a cute girl with some occult-ish quirks and I don’t see why that has to be such a bad thing. The other, more prevalent, argument is that since she’s at the center of the infamous love triangle, she must be the root of all its problems. It’s really frustrating when people blame her for Kazuichi’s faults. I’ll talk more about Kazuichi later, but his terrible qualities are a result of his own actions, and Sonia shouldn’t be blamed for being the object of his affections. It’s honestly blaming the victim and I’m sick of it. Obviously, she hasn’t treated him perfectly and I understand why people are frustrated with it. The only example of this, though, is in chapter four when she goes back-and-forth between treating him coldly and praising him when she should’ve just rejected him a long time ago. However, I think I can understand where she’s coming from in this chapter. I think it was kind of a Shuichi/Kaede situation. She had already figured out that Gundham was the killer, but didn’t want to admit it to herself, and definitely didn’t want to tell everyone else even though he was more than ready to admit it. Therefore, she treated Kazuichi coldly whenever he was getting close to the truth (or treating her poorly) and praised him whenever he was leading the group in the wrong direction. I don’t have any evidence that these were the times she treated him this way, but that’s how I remember it. Anyway, Kazuichi should stop being a creep, and apologists should stop rationalizing it. Her one slip-up in this case when she was panicked and worried for her closest friend does not make up for all of the other times Kazuichi treated her terribly.

You’re the best

Fuyuhiko Kuzuryuu- Boss baby boss baby boss baby. Also, he’s a fantastically fleshed out character and his relationship with Peko makes me cry literally every time :)  I just wish his character development had been a bit more stretched out, instead of on-the-spot like it was. I also kinda wish his sudden development had been a result of the despair disease, but you can’t have everything.

Nagito Komaeda- Recently, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about how SimpleFlips calls softlocking in SM64 “gay baby jail” and Komaeda makes me think of that.

Chiaki Nanami- I’m not quite as attached to her as everyone else seems to be, but I totally see the appeal. Cute girl, cute backpack, and plot-relevant??? Incredible.

Ibuki Mioda- She’s just so fun. I don’t typically like characters who are loud for the sake of being loud, but I can’t help but love her. This was the first game I fully voice-acted for fun (the girls, at least) and Ibuki was definitely one of my favorites. It just feels good to yell sometimes, you know?

Hey, I think you’re pretty cool, I like you a lot

Peko Pekoyama- I’m a simple woman. I think of chapter two, I cry. At least, the epilogue of that case. I wasn’t the biggest fan of Twilight Syndrome Murder Case and I definitely didn’t like the, albeit fake, serial killer twist. It didn’t feel natural and just felt bad. Loved hearing Sonia say “Sparkling Justice!”, though.

Hiyoko Saionji- I totally understand why people hate her. I get it, I do. But I just can’t bring myself to hate her. She’s obviously not a good person, but I have shit taste. Byakuya and Kokichi aren’t good people, but everyone loves them anyway. I just think she’s so funny and terrible, I can’t help but get attached. I’m not usually the type to like little sister characters, or even bullies, but she’s just such a perfect combination of the two that I can’t help but love her. I also obviously am not the biggest fan of Mikan (I’ll explain, I swear) so the bullying didn’t really affect me too much.

Hajime Hinata- He’s the protagonist. I don’t really know what to tell you. I used to believe in Hajime supremacy, but I’m starting to understand the Shuichi supremacy now, so idk, Hajime might end up lower after I finish V3.

Byakuya Togami/Ultimate Imposter- He’s just such a good guy. I know that the real Byakuya is an ass, but the imposter is so nice and supportive. I can’t even take him seriously as Byakuya anymore because of how supportive he is. The real Byakuya could never. I just finished his last free-time event and he really feels like his own person now, which I can imagine is all he’s ever wanted. He isn’t Byakuya to me anymore, he’s himself. I just don’t have a unique name to call him by.

I remember you

Mahiru Koizumi- Her photography thing was cute, I liked it a lot. I don’t know the basic stance people take on her crush on Hajime, but I thought it was really cute and believable. I don’t know if I ship it, but I can see it in canon. It makes sense and works well.

Akane Owari- She’s a jock. I feel pretty neutral about jocks unless they have another prevalent thing that fits my interests.

Nekomaru Nidai- Again, a jock. I’m just not the biggest fan. I know that his backstory makes up for a lot of his inherent jock boringness, but I just can’t get into him as much as some other people can. I definitely see the appeal, though.

Usami/Monomi- She’s a mascot. Cool. Honestly preferred Monophanie.

You are literally the worst. Actual scum. Leave this planet and never return

Mikan Tsumiki- I told you I’d explain. First, I need to explain some personal reasons I didn’t like her, rather than objective characteristics. Like I mentioned with Ibuki, I voice-acted the whole game with each of the girls. Never before has a voice physically affected me as much as Mikan’s. In order to make her voice so high and quiet, I have to close my throat and tighten my jaw. It makes my throat, jaw, and head hurt all at the same time and it feels awful. The only time this wasn’t the case was during her breakdown and that’s because I couldn’t make her say those things with that voice, it didn’t make sense. Which brings me to my next point: her breakdown. I didn’t like it. At all. It wasn’t interesting and it didn’t make sense. I know that everyone else was sad because she was bullied a bunch and began to romanticize it, and yeah, I feel bad, but it wasn’t enough to make me like her. Her breakdown made a little more sense after watching the anime, believe it or not, but it was still not great. She could’ve been easily redeemed for me if she had a different motive for killing Hiyoko. I don’t really have an opinion on whether or not Ibuki should’ve lived longer, or even survived, but I definitely agree with Hiyoko dying during the third case, I just wish the motive had been different. It would’ve been so powerful if Mikan’s despair disease had made her remember her past with the bullying, and then she realized how much she hated it. She started to notice how Hiyoko was treating her and finally snaps. She kills Hiyoko in cold blood on purpose, instead of on accident, and covers it up in a more reasonable way instead the literal impossibility that we actually got. Then, in her breakdown, instead of pleading for forgiveness, she tries to rationalize her actions and convince everyone else that she was in the right by killing her. It would’ve been much more interesting and would’ve made much more sense. I also wish she had made use of Ibuki’s despair disease (which made her gullible) and commanded her to hang herself instead of staging the other thing, because it was a lot of extra work that was really unnecessary and it would’ve made more use of the despair disease other than a plot contrivance for Junko’s entrance. This kind of turned into my review for the third chapter, but still. Killers are always more fleshed out in their respective chapters, so their existence is often pretty much tied to the events of that chapter, since everything typically revolves around them. I might as well add here that her execution was really basic and underwhelming, but as far as I’ve seen, I’m not alone in that opinion.

Monokuma- It’s kind of an ironic hate with Monokuma. Sure, he makes me laugh, but he’s also fuel for the killing game, so... I don’t know. He pisses me off sometimes, but he’s also pretty funny at other times.

Kazuichi Souda- This is basically a continuation of the Sonia rant, so here we go. I would like to preface this by saying that in the context of Kazuichi’s free-time events, he’s one of my favorite characters. However, in the main story, I placed him here. I would normally average out my opinions of his different forms, but his optional events don’t make up for his actions that are required to be experienced. While some of his quips toward Sonia made me laugh, they still made me uncomfortable to some extent. It’s honestly frustrating to see him try so hard when she obviously isn’t interested in him. Some people choose to see this as an underdog story, but I think it’s just annoying and low-key creepy. He’s constantly fetishizing Sonia and keeps making moves on her even after she treats him coldly. He isn’t brave or cool for doing this, like the media would like you to believe, he’s creepy and persistent, and not in a good way. While I do agree that Sonia should’ve just turned him down from the very beginning, I still don’t put all of that blame on her. I’m sure she’s had her fair share of creepy guys making advances on her and she’s just had to take it, since she’s a princess and it would hurt her noble reputation. Kazuichi should also be able to think for himself and see that she’s not interested. It shouldn’t be completely up to her to get him to stop. He should be able to take a hint and back off, whether she tells him directly or otherwise. She definitely hints to him that she’s not interested in some of the later chapters, but he completely ignores it and keeps trying anyway. I wouldn’t have such a problem with him if he didn’t represent a very real issue that we are facing in the world today. Nice guys will, unfortunately, always be plaguing our society and it doesn’t look like they’re getting any better. It doesn’t help that the media continually raises them up and convinces them that they are in the right, even though they definitely aren’t. No man is entitled to any woman and people need to stop sympathizing with men who are rejected and keep pushing. In almost every post I’ve seen from Kazuichi apologists, they explain that Sonia should’ve given him a chance. Really? She did give him a chance. She gave him several chances, in fact, more than she was entitled to. The first time she acted coldly towards him was at the end of chapter 4. That’s four entire chapters, plus a prologue, of chances that she gave him. She was always polite and talked to him when he approached her. Maybe she saw this as her noble duty, but either way, she didn’t reject him outright the first time she saw him. She tried to be friends, he was creepy, and then she started to hint that she wasn’t interested. This is a natural progression for her character and is in no way wrong of her. He is not entitled to her attention and should learn to back off when he’s not wanted. The other big reason I see that people don’t like Sonia is because she basically ruined any chance of Kazuichi and Gundham having any sort of relationship other than rivals. Again, it’s not Sonia’s fault that they both liked her. It’s also not her fault for choosing Gundham over Kazuichi, since he treated her respectfully and they also shared interests. She also didn’t need a specific reason to choose Gundham over Kazuichi, because she is free to make her own choices based on anything she wants, including nothing. Even though I said all of this, I do actually wish that Gundham and Kazuichi could’ve had some kind of relationship. I think it could’ve been very interesting, but it didn’t need to be devoid of Sonia. I think it would’ve been just as interesting for Gundham and Kazuichi to talk with Sonia as it would’ve been for her to introduce them to each other more formally and get them to become friends. I think it could’ve been fun for Kazuichi to have a little playful resentment towards Gundham for getting the girl, but instead, he went completely off the deep end. If he had just backed off like I suggested earlier, maybe they could’ve had that relationship that everyone longed for. I am also obligated to say here that I think all of his free-time events were absolutely adorable and the fact that he gets motion sickness is the single best piece of comedy every written.

Teruteru Hanamura- I’ve been doing a lot of rants and I’m kind of tired of it. You know why I don’t like him, I don’t need to explain it. He’s shitty, blah blah blah. His tiny bit of plot with his mother didn’t really do anything to redeem him for me and I just plain don’t like him. Sorry, not sorry.

Wow, this took way too long. I forgot I had so many opinions on these characters. I would’ve said a lot more about Gundham, but it’s kind of my thing here to say more about my second favorite characters and characters that I don’t like than my favorite characters, and I knew there were going to be several rants, so I decided to keep his very short. My definitive favorites list is Gundham and then Sonia, with a pending Fuyuhiko in third. The four dark devas are the best characters and I’m so upset they weren’t on here. I would apologize for my Kazuichi rant, since it had two parts, both of which were very long, but it all needed to be said because I’m sick and tired of Kazuichi apologists. They keep coming across my dash and I would like to be rid of them. If you like Kazuichi, that’s fine, I actually quite like him, too, you just need to acknowledge his faults instead of just rationalizing them in a bad way. If someone wants to send me reasons why Sonia is terrible, I’ll listen, because I’m sure I’m probably being a bit of a Sonia apologist, although I feel like her actions were a lot less impactful. Sondam supremacy, thank you, goodnight.

[p-artsypants]

Longest Night (43) Eating

Ao3 | FF.net

--

Bonus Scene from last Chapter:

Emilie reclined on the couch next to her husband. She had a glass of whiskey in her hand, her drink of choice. A silken robe covered her form as she rested against the plush cushions.

But she was not relaxed. Not in the slightest.

Gabriel had pulled up the Ladyblog on the smart TV and proceeded to go down the timeline of akumas. Thankfully, Alya had organized the blog to skip all the theories and fluff articles. Only the actions of the heroes and Hawkmoth were shown.

Emilie had scooted away from him when he said, “I was a terrorist.” But she stayed long enough to hear that none of his damage or casualties were permanent. And that he had some regret about his actions. He had been desperate to get her back, and admitted that he had crossed the line so many times.

So now he was admitting to all of his crimes. He was coming clean to her, so she could judge him fairly and for herself.

“I had no idea that Adrien was Chat Noir. I didn’t know until his identity was revealed.”

Emilie found this to be a lie, however, since he reached an Akuma in the timeline when he suspected Adrien to be Chat Noir.

Gorizilla, that was the name. The bodyguard Emilie had known forever was the poor victim. He had turned into a giant blue ape and had Adrien in his grasp.

And then...and then...

Emilie watched in horror as the Akuma dropped her son, her baby, off the side of the building.

“I had hoped that he would transform to save himself, but he very cleverly called my bluff—“

The glass of whiskey was now empty, as it’s contents were in his face.

Perhaps he had been too honest.

“My baby!! My precious little boy! My innocent sweet sunshine boy! You let him get thrown off of a roof on a hunch?!??”

“I wasn’t going to let him hit the bottom. Ladybug saved him.”

“WELL I’M GLAD SOMEONE WAS ON TOP OF IT!” She shouted. “I can’t believe you! Of all the low down, dirty, rotten, conniving tricks!”

“Emilie please—“

“I should throw you off the building and see how you like it!”

“Please calm down.”

“Calm down?! CALM DOWN?!” She found one of her heels she had kicked off earlier. “Gabriel Maurice Agreste! I’m going to murder you!”

He looked at her flatly. “We haven’t even gotten to the worst part.”

Emilie’s primal scream of rage made something click in his brain.

It was time to go.

--

To say that Tom, Sabine, and Gabriel were surprised would be an understatement.

There, standing at the top of the stairs, arm and arm, were Ladybug and Chat Noir. Not Adrien and Marinette, but the costumed heroes that everyone loved. With added hats and scarfs to protect from the December air.

Tom was the first to recover and gave them a disarming smile. “Hey kiddos! Where’s the fire?”

“No fire.” Said Ladybug. “Ice Cream.”

“Ice cream? In January?” Asked Gabriel. “If you want Ice Cream, you could have just asked.”

Ladybug shook her head. “Alya figured out where Andre’s Ice Cream cart is. We want to go.”

“Okay, well, we could drive you—“ started Sabine.

“No!” Ladybug shouted. “I need to get out of this house or I’m going to explode! I need to get away from the smothering! I need to feel the sun on my skin and the wind—“ she choked. “I need to get out there for just a little while.”

“Your suits will draw attention.” Gabriel said it as a thought to be considered, and not a warning.

“I know. But won’t it help? Isn’t everyone asking about us?”

Tom gave a little smile. “What’s the harm? Can you just text us when you get there?”

“I can do that.” Ladybug smiled.

Gabriel spoke up. “Did you make sure Adrien wanted to go?”

“It was his idea.” She said cooly.

“Well, I have been disarmed.” Gabriel shrugged. “Just please be careful.”

“There’s nothing to worry about.” Ladybug assured.

After they both left, Tom looked at his wife and Gabriel. “They amaze me. They are doing so well!”

“I agree. Especially Marinette,” said Gabriel. “For her to not be afraid to go out in their suits...”

“I think the suits are for strength.” Added Sabine. “For them to be able to walk that far, and for protection.”

“That makes sense.”

She frowned. “Actually, I think it’s the suits that are letting them do this well. I found them sleeping in them the other night.”

Tom winced. “That’s not a great sign.”

Gabriel screwed up his lips in thought.

—

Outside the mansion, Ladybug and Chat Noir descended the stairs and went out to the gate. It was at the point where the media no longer lingered outside the mansion. No one had gotten a glimpse of the heroes, and they weren’t likely to for a while still.

“Do you want to walk? Or take the roofs?”

“Walk. I’m still not strong enough for rooftops.”

“Okay. He’s not that far from here.”

They made their way, hand and hand, to the Ponts des arts.

As they walked, occasionally they were bugged by passerby. Mostly with handshakes and cheek kisses, occasional selfies. Thankfully, since it was January, there weren’t a lot of pedestrians.

Finally, they reached the bridge. Andre spotted them from the other side. “Ladybug! Chat Noir! Oh my favorite duo!”

Ladybug gave a soft smile to the man. “Hello Andre. One please.”

“Of course! On the house!” He prepared a cone, and started to scoop. “One scoop mint chip, for Chat Noir. One scoop cherry chip, for Ladybug, and one scoop cookies and creme, for true, pure love, riddled with trials and tribulations.” He stuck two spoons in the ice cream and handed it over. “Come see me whenever you like. You’re always welcome here!”

“Thank you. This looks delicious!”

It was unseasonably warm. Sitting on a bench looking out on the river, ice cream in hand, everything felt normal for a little while. A lovely ice cream date, something Marinette had always wanted to do with Adrien.

He let out a long sigh.

“Are you okay? Comfortable?”

“I’m fine.” He smiled at her. “My butt hurts a little, but I’ll survive.”

“We don’t have to stay long. We’ll just finish our ice cream.”

“No, you were right,” he breathed. “Just being outside for a while is nice.” A tear rolled down his cheek. “I can’t believe how much I missed this. It wasn’t that long but…”

“The sunlight.” Ladybug finished for him. “It’s nice. I can feel it.”

“And the wind. And hearing the birds. Hearing the water. It’s all nice.”

They ate in companionable silence for a while. Living in the moment with blank minds.

“Hey, you beat us!” Alya called as they approached.

“We decided to get out before school let out and everyone ruined our fun.” Said Ladybug.

Alya and Nino got their ice cream and joined them on the bench.

“So, how’s the dynamic duo today? Haven’t gotten to spend a lot of time with you since we both moved back home.”

“Well, we have sweethearts ice cream. Not much to complain about.”

“Anybody give you trouble on the way out?”

“A couple people wanted pictures, and to express sympathy. It wasn’t bad.”

“It helps that it’s not tourist season, and it’s a weekday.”

“I’m sure. What kind of ice cream did you get?”

“Neapolitan. Or as Andre now calls it, Ninopolitan. Just for us.”

“That’s adorable.”

“I’m not usually a fan of strawberry ice cream either, but Andre’s is so good.”

“His chocolate is amazing.” Added Nino. “I want him to make my wedding cake out of it.”

“What, you don’t want my dad’s better-than-crack chocolate cake?”

“Half and half!” He protested. “I shouldn’t have to choose!”

Chat Noir smiled broadly, his shoulders shaking with mirth.

“Oh, before I forget. Did Chloe tell you about the Mayor’s ball a few weeks out?”

Ladybug groaned. “Yeah. The supposed ‘Hero’s Ball’ in honor of Chat and I? No thanks.”

“It can’t be too bad. A chance to get all gussied up, eat good food, and mingle with rich people.”

“Old Marinette would be excited, but...”

“You’ve got to stop referring to yourself like that, girl. You’ve changed, but you’re not a totally different person.”

She laughed. “I’m not?”

“A lot different, but there’s plenty of things I recognize. Right now, you seem to be doing really well. Besides the hair cut, you can hardly tell.”

“That’s good then.” Said Ladybug. “As long as someone recognizes me.”

“Are you designing a dress for the ball?”

“Gabriel and I are collaborating.” She stated it so plainly, like she didn’t even care. “He found a design he liked in my sketchbook, and he’s altering it. Same for Adrien. He’s designing a dress for my mom from scratch.”

“Oh that’s cool!”

“Poor man, he’s trying so hard to be a good father, but he’s so awful at it.”

Chat Noir snorted.

“He doesn’t get points for trying?”

“No. Not when he’s being awful when it matters. I’ve been yelled at for talking for Adrien, since he still isn’t ready to speak. Gabriel is impatient and bossy. He’s plenty generous, but he lacks understanding.”

“And it’s easy to be generous when you’re rich.” Added Nino.

Chat nodded in agreement.

“How are you today, bro?” Nino asked.

Chat shrugged, and pointed to his ice cream with his spoon.

“Gotcha.”

As they say, all good things must come to an end. And the simple peaceful outing turned into chaos when one person shouted. “There they are! It’s Ladybug and Chat Noir!”

From both ends of the bridge, people came running. Calling out for attention. Swarming.

“We didn’t even get to finish our ice cream,” Ladybug lamented.

Chat Noir, however, trembled at the noise and shifted closer to her, Alya, and Nino.

Alya stood, allowing Nino to wrap a protective arm around both of the heroes.

“Back!” Alya shouted at the crowd, raising her hands. “Back, you animals!”

The mob heeded her commands and stopped just a few feet away.

“Ladybug and Chat Noir are not ready for visitors! They aren’t doing autographs, and they aren’t doing hugs! They’re just out for ice cream and sunshine! So be on your merry way please!”

“Ladybug!” A little girl cried out. She weaseled her way through the crowd and ran at them, ignoring Alya completely to crash into Ladybug’s legs and nearly crawl into her lap.

“Hey!” Alya shouted. “What did I just say?”

“I’m so so sorry!” A woman called, catching up with the girl. “She’s just so excited! She loves Ladybug!”

“It’s alright.” Ladybug assured, petting the girl’s head. “How are you Eva?”

The girl beamed. “You remembered my name!”

“Of course I do. I’d remember any akuma that took six hours to beat.”

The girl giggled. “Sorry not sorry!”

Ladybug lifted the girl so she could properly sit on her lap, while the rest of the crowd stood back and listened.

“How are things at home? Did they ever get better?”

Eva gave a little shrug. “Mommy and daddy ended up getting divorced. But now that they don’t live in the same house, they get along a lot better. Sometimes we have dinner together. It still hurts, but at least they don’t yell anymore!”

“I’m really glad to hear that. I’m sorry that they divorced. That’s never an easy thing to go through, but I’m glad things worked out.”

“What about you? Are you feeling better?”

Ladybug swallowed the lump in her throat. “I’m…I’m doing alright. Somedays are better than others. Today we felt good enough to go out and get some ice cream.”

“Ice cream makes everything better!”

She smiled. “It sure does.”

“What about you, Chat Noir? How are you?”

He nodded with a smile.

“He said he’s good.” Provided Ladybug.

“Oh yeah, his voice hurts. That happened to me last year. I coughed and coughed and then I sounded like a frog. Do you sound like a frog when you talk?”

He shook his head.

“No? Well that’s good! Wouldn’t sound much like a cat if you croaked!” She reached up and petted Chat Noir’s head like a real cat.

He couldn’t help but purr.

“Oops, you found his soft spot.” Ladybug snickered.

Eva giggled and scratched him again. “What kind of ice cream did you get?”

“Mint chip, cherry chip, and cookies and creme.”

“Cookies and creme is my favorite! Did you like it?”

“I did! Though, I don’t think there’s any bad ice cream.”

“I do! My dad likes pistachio ice cream! Bleh!”

“Oh but pistachio is good!”

“No it’s not! It tastes like butt!”

Ladybug laughed. “Why don’t you ask your mom for some ice cream?”

“Oh hey yeah! That’s a great idea!”

The woman with Eva came closer. “Can I get a picture with you together?”

“Sure.”

“Mom! Get Chat in the picture too!”

Chat Noir leaned in, as she wrapped an arm around his shoulder.

A click, and Eva was scampering off of her lap. “It was nice seeing you Ladybug! I’m going to get ice cream now!”

Ladybug smiled at her. “I’m glad we could talk, Eva. That was nice. See you later.”

“Later!”

Ladybug let out a blissful sigh. The crowd was still surrounding them, waiting to be prompted.

“I’m kinda tired.” She announced. “What about you, kitty?”

Chat nodded and yawned.

“They’re going to go home now folks! Go on, get!” Alya shooed them away. “Sorry your outing was interrupted.”

“Mmm, actually, that wasn’t as bad as I was expecting.”

—

Adrien awoke from his nap feeling only a little groggy. He was down to one nap a day now, though it still usually lasted over an hour.

Marinette laid in his arms, her back pressed against his chest. It looked like she was awake as well, as she scrolled through her phone.

Adrien nuzzled closer, pressing a kiss behind her ear. “Whatcha reading?” He asked softly.

“Ladynoir FanFiction.”

He chuckled softly. “I thought you hated our FanFiction.”

“I did. But not so much anymore. Alya said a lot of authors on the blog are going back and editing their stories, so that our names and backgrounds are right. It’s kind of fun to see what people assume about us. The innocent things, like what our favorite Pokémon is and what flavors of ice cream we like.”

“Hmm.” Adrien hummed in her ear, savoring that perfect level of comfort. “What is your favorite Pokémon, my lady?”

“According to fics, it’s Ledyba.”

He scoffed.

“But I think I like Spheal. He’s a spherical seal. He’s a good boy.”

“He is a good boy.” Adrien said sleepily. “Wanna guess mine?”

“Is it Arcanine?”

“...yeah, it’s Arcanine.”

She giggled, turning her phone off and turning to face him. “I’m afraid you’re an open book to me.”

“Only to you.” He promised, kissing her swiftly.

There came a knock at the door.

“Adrien? Are you awake?” Gabriel’s voice came from the hall.

“He’s awake,” Marinette answered for him.

They adjusted themselves to be a little more presentable as Gabriel entered. He actually looked nervous, and excited? It was hard to tell on a man so stoic. He rubbed his hands together. “So, Adrien, we have a guest joining us for dinner tonight, and I thought you might want to see her first.” He beckoned the guest at the door.

Seeing Aunt Amilie, even after all this time, made his heart squeeze. She looked just like his mother, right down to the side ponytail.

Wait.

Was this some sort of joke? Amilie was in white, and her hair was tied on the other side, just the way his mother used to—

“Hi Hunny Bunny.” Her voice was so soft, so gentle. Tears gathered in her eyes as her hands raised up for him. “Look at how much you’ve grown!”

All of a sudden, he wasn’t in his bedroom. He was in that cold dark room, where they had been kept in crude cages. He was looking at the corpse with his mother’s face on it.

Then it morphed into everything wrong. Mouths for eyes, snakes for teeth, dripping fingers, as she just continued to smile at him. “It’s me, Adrien…I’m home.”

Adrien shook his head frantically, trying to shake the vision. But it wouldn’t leave. It was acid, wasn’t it? LSD? That’s what Dr. Boucher said was in his system. That hallucinations he had down in the catacombs would continue to haunt him. They were as unpredictable as they were vivid.

“Adrien honey?” Her voice was too sweet. It was wrong. Why was she here?

Adrien scrambled off the bed, placing himself opposite of the mattress from her, and he watched her with careful eyes.

“Adrien,” Gabriel tried. “It’s alright, your mother is home now. She’s back.”

Between the horrible visions and twisting thoughts, he had half a mind to take offense. She was back? She was fine all this time? Where was she? Why did she leave him alone? He couldn’t find any joy in the utter wrongness of it all. It made no sense, and it felt like some sick twisted joke.

His eyes wandered over to the windows on the other side of the room. His reflection was so small, so disgustingly thin and dirty, bloody, and pale. And her reflection…

It wasn’t his mother.

Gabriel nervously bit his thumb, waiting for Adrien’s reaction. So far, he just sat there, staring at her with impossibly wide eyes. Then he scrambled out of the sheets, his eyes never leaving her face. But there was no smile, no disbelief, no awe. Just shock and fear.

“Adrien, it’s alright. Your mother is home now. She’s back.”

Adrien quaked in his spot, shaking like a leaf, ready to burst. His listless eyes turned and caught sight of something in the window.

Gabriel never did know what his son saw, but whatever it was, it was horribly upsetting.

Terrible enough to rip that scream from his throat. Frightening enough make him flail his fists around, at him, at Marinette, and his own mother.

“Hunny bunny?” she asked once more, pleading with him.

It didn’t work. It only further exasperated Adrien, so that he shouted at her, like if he yelled loud enough she was disappear in a puff of smoke.

That’s when Gabriel conceded that his plan had failed epically. He grabbed Emilie’s wrist and pulled her from the room, as Adrien continued to scream after her.

Sabine caught her in a hug just outside the door. “It’s alright, dear.”

Emilie clung to her. “He doesn’t know me!”

“Of course he does,” Sabine soothed. “He’s just confused right now.”

Gabriel had made sure to close the door as they left, but it did nothing to suppress the noise from the room. The banging, the crashing, the clattering of books and trophies being flung off the shelves.

And Marinette’s rational voice trying to reach him.

“I hate her!” He yelled, like an arrow to Emilie’s heart. “She’s a liar! That’s all she’s ever been! I hate her! I hate her!”

Gabriel pressed a kiss to his wife’s head. “He doesn’t, he loves you so much.”

“Where did so go?! Why did she leave me alone with—with him?!” He voice broke off into ugly sobbing.

“Oh my baby boy,” Emilie wept. “My poor baby…”

“Well, I really hate to be the one that told you so…” Plagg spoke, phasing through the door.

“Don’t sound so smug.” Gabriel bit.

“I’m not. I swear I’m not.” His ears hung sadly. “But’s like I said. He doesn’t know where she’s been. To him, she ran away without a word, and she’s only coming back now? Because of what? The fact that he was tortured on screen?”

Emilie covered a mouth to hold back a sob.

“That’s not what happened, and you know it!” Gabriel yelled back.

“Of course I know! But he doesn’t! And you’re going to have to explain all of it to him.”

“What do you mean, ‘all of it’?”

Plagg looked at him levelly. “If you want Adrien to accept his mother, you’ve got to tell him about being Hawkmoth.”

Gabriel looked at the door. “Do you think he’s ready? Either of them are ready?” Plagg shrugged. “His world is rocked either way. I think you’ve got to decide which parent he needs more. Because the way I see it, he’ll reject the other. Maybe both of you.”

Emilie and Gabriel shared a very meaningful look.

Finally, Emilie hugged Sabine. “You’ll go comfort him, right? He needs a mom right now.”

“Of course dear.” Sabine opened the bedroom door slightly and crept inside. Emilie watched from the crack as she approached Marinette and Adrien, who were huddled together in a corner. It didn’t take any convincing for both of them to accept her embrace.

“I’ve missed so much.” Emilie whispered, teary-eyed.

Tom squeezed her shoulder. “It’s not your fault. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

Gabriel sighed. “And hopefully, you won’t have to miss anything more. I’ll tell them tomorrow. Even if…even if Adrien hates me, he deserves my honesty. And…I haven’t been very good to him since this whole mess started. You’ll be better for him, I know.”

“Gabe…”

“It’s alright. I suppose this is my punishment. But as long as Adrien gets everything he needs, then it’s all worth it.”

[vincent-g-writer]

The Silver Screen Savant, pt 2- the Meh, the Bad and The yikes.

Hello Writers!

Last time here on Starry Starry Write, I talked a little about Autism in the media and my personal experiences therein. Today, I’d like to go a little broader, and tackle the topic from a macro perspective.

In recent times, you’ve probably heard “Representation Matters” oft repeated. Especially in prominent talking spaces like social media. But what does that mean, exactly?

Why “Representation Matters,” and how.

The short answer:

Diverse representation in media tells us that everyone has a place in the world. That everyone’s story matters.

The long answer:

It’s no secret that we begin engaging with media at a young age. When I was growing up in the 90’s and 00’s, TV and video games were often the babysitters of my peers. I was one of the few kids in my neighborhood whose parents weren’t divorced. The kids I knew? Not so much. Most of them were raised by single parents, grandparents and of course-the boob tube. I personally prefered books, when my mom wasn’t yelling “it’s too nice out to be holed up in that dark bedroom!”

Now, don’t mistake my preference for some kind of intellectual superiority. I watched plenty of TV too. Besides, books aren’t magically out of the equation. Printed material is our oldest form of media. And- often just as problematic. Though I will say- I saw a much broader range of people on covers adoring library shelves than I ever did titles on a TV roster. But, I digress. The point is: for many of us, consuming media begins at an early time of our life. And that’s where the problem starts. Even in my childhood, where The Magic School Bus, Hey Arnold, and Sesame Street showed people of all kinds, I can point to many that did not. Especially not people like me. Which did me a grave disservice. I didn’t know I was on the spectrum for a long time, and when I finally found out, I was horrified, thanks to what I had seen on TV.

Because media is not only a wonderful way to learn about people that don’t look, act or sound like us. It also informs our ideas of who we are, and what we can be. Whether we like it or not: it shapes how we understand the world. And it doesn’t stop with Childhood.

Time Changes Much, but not all.

Things are better now. Well, a little bit, anyway.

As an adult, I see more people like me on the screen nowadays. Which is nice.

Ish.

Why “ish?” Well…

Frequently, these “noticeably different” characters (read: Autistically coded) are branded “NOT AUTISTIC!” You heard it here first, folks! That one character (insert your favorite) is Totally Not Autistic. Despite being written in a way that gives every indication otherwise.

*Facepalm*

Now for some examples, which we’ll call the “Meh,” “The Bad” and the “Yikes.” For “fun,” we’ll also go into the off-air perceptions of the characters.

The “Meh.”

First on the list is Dr. Spencer Reid, from CBS’s “Criminal Minds.”

Dr. Reid is the youngest member of the FBI’s Behavioral Analysis Unit, having joined at the age of 22. He holds three B.A degrees in Sociology, Psychology and Philosophy, as well as three Ph.D’s in Engineering, Chemistry, and Mathematics.

He also has the social skills of a limp dishrag. Wait, what’s that? High Intelligence + Low Social Awareness? Hmmm…Then there’s his restrictive behavioral patterns, obsessive interests, and general “quirkiness!” that we could talk about. But let’s hear a quote from the actor who plays him, Matthew Gray Gubler:

“..an eccentric genius, with hints of schizophrenia and minor autism, Asperger’s Syndrome. Reid is 24, 25 years old with three PH.D.s and one can’t usually achieve that without some form of autism.”

Hoooo-boy. I could go into all the things wrong with this, including why the term “Asperger’s” is both horrific (TW: Eugenics,Ableism, N*zis) and harmful. However, today we’ll simply leave it with the fact that this term is no longer applicable, having been reclassified in 2013 as part of Autism Spectrum disorder.

The “Bad.”

Next up, we have Will Graham, from NBC’s Hannibal.

Like our first example, Will works for the FBI. He’s a gifted criminal profiler with “special” abilities, namely hyper empathy, which allows him to reconstruct the actions and fantasies of the killers he hunts. He’s intellectually gifted, hates eye contact, socializing, and prefers to spend…most of his time…alone.

Oh dear. Haven’t we been here before? But, I mean, he doesn’t have Autism! The show runner says so!

For Will Graham, there’s a line in the pilot about him being on the spectrum of autism or Asperger’s, and he’s neither of those things. He actually has an empathy disorder where he feels way too much and that’s relatable in some way. There’s something about people who connect more to animals than they do to other people because it’s too intense for whatever reason.

You can’t see me right now, but I’m cringing. A lot. This is just…ugh. I mean, for starters, I know a handful of autistic people who struggle with hyper empathy, which can make social situations overwhelming and hard to navigate. In fact, I happen to be one of them. Plus, there’s a cool little thing about how, frequently, people on the spectrum more readily identify with animals. But, y’know. Who am I to say? I’m just someone, one of many, who’s dealt with this my whole life.

Now, onto the “Yikes.”

*sigh*

And finally, we have BBC’s Sherlock, a modern adaptation of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s renowned “consulting” detective, and probably the most famous fictional character of all time.

Now, I’ll start by saying that the BBC incarnation is not the first to be Spectrum labeled. In fact, Sherlock was my childhood hero, and the first “person” I saw referred to this way. My aunt, an avid reader herself, casually remarked to a friend “I’ve always wondered if Holmes is Autistic,” after I came yammering on about how fantastic the books were. Had I not been champing at the bit to get back to my reading, I might have asked her what that meant.

I also believe this fandom driven speculation is why many detective type characters (see above) are often coded as Autistic, intentionally or otherwise.

In this New York Times article, Lisa Sanders, M.D. describes Holmes traits:

He appears oblivious to the rhythms and courtesies of normal social intercourse — he doesn’t converse so much as lecture. His interests and knowledge are deep but narrow. He is strangely “coldblooded,” and perhaps as a consequence, he is also alone in the world.

Now, before we go any father, let me take a moment to defend his creator. During the time Sir Arthur Conan Doyle first created his most famous work, Autism was not known. That isn’t to say it didn’t exist. We’ve always existed. In fact, it’s now believed that the Changeling Myth, a common European folk story, was a way to explain Autism. In one telling (there are a few) children displaying “intelligence beyond their years” and “uncanny knowledge” were imposters, traded out by Fae creatures for offspring of their own. Children believed to be “Changlings,” regretfully, often came to a bad end. A chilling reminder that the stories we tell impact our real lives.

So while Autism was at least somewhat recognized, it did not become its own official diagnosis until 1943.

Meanwhile, Sherlock Holmes was first published in 1892. Now, as a writer who often draws from my personal reality, I imagine Doyle probably “wrote what he knew,” which is to say, acquainted with one or more Autistic people, he used them as inspiration.

On the other hand…

BBC’s Sherlock first aired in 2010. And while one might argue that the writers simply capitalized on the Autistic fan-theory, or took already available traits and exaggerated them for their version… they left a lot to be desired. Autism aside, this new Sherlock is…well…an asshole. Narcissistic, abusive and egocentric (to name a few) he sweeps his caustic behavior under the rug of “high functioning sociopath,” and blytly ignores the consequences.

Which is a major problem. Because while doing this, he’s still “obviously” (at least in the Hollywood sense) Autistic. In my previous post, where I said some characters are “too smart™, and logical© to ever have feelings, friends or empathy,” this is what I meant.

This is bad. We’re looping right back to Representation Matters. Bad representation, and the navigating of such, is just as important for writers to think about as good representation. Maybe even moreso. Because bad representation paints real people into cardboard, stereotyped people-shaped things. It otherizes. And it’s harmful. You would not believe the people I’ve met assume I’m not Autistic because I’m not an egotistical jerk. Why? Because they watched, you guessed it, BBC Sherlock.

Confession time:

Now here’s my little secret:

I love all of these characters. They are some of my favorite on tv. Why? Because for good or ill, I recognize myself in them. Finally, I can turn on the TV, and see myself. Or, somewhat, anyway.

My favorite character out of this list? Loath though I am to admit it… Is Sherlock. See, what those well meaning folks didn’t know (the ones who say I’m I’m “too nice,” to be Autistic) is… well, if we’re being honest, I wasn’t always nice. A few years ago, I was that guy. I was a jerk because I thought I was the smartest person in the room. Which is really not a good look. In fact, sitting down and watching the first season of sherlock, (around three or four years after it came out) made me realize how much of a jerk I actually was.

There are other things there too. Things that tie me to all these characters, that I didn’t list. But that’s for another today.

For now, I’d like to add a caveat or two:

1) I’ve watched all the shows listed above, and adore them. As I mentioned, Sherlock is my favorite. He’s also the one I’ve watched the most (Repeatedly, in fact. Whoops.) and I recognize it’s not all bad. In the end, he learned to treat people better (somewhat) and certainly became more human over time. And, there are other deeply problematic elements of the show I’d like to tackle, eventually.

*cough* Queerbating! *cough*

2) I’m well aware that the above cases are all thin, white, able bodied, “straight” males. But I chose these characters for a couple of reasons. One, they’re the most prominent type on TV. Again, we loop back around to representation, and why we need more positive, diverse examples of it.

And finally-

3) In my last post, I mentioned I’d give some “good” instances of Hollywood Autism trope. But I didn’t exactly do that. Partially, because half way through, I thought…perhaps…I’m not the best to judge what might be a good Autistic character. I mean, I’m sure someone will read this and think my current aforementioned characters are fine. Heck! They might even argue my perception here, and say the characters are just fine. I accept that. In my life, both on and off the page, I recognize that I cannot, should not (and don’t want to) speak for an entire community.

Because of this, I cannot tell you how to write a “good” Autistic character, or what media is “acceptable.” I can’t even really tell you what a bad character is. Sure, I have a lot of opinions about it. But- if you’re on the spectrum and like and identify with the above? That’s fine. I mean, even with all the problems I noted (and some I didn’t) I certainly do.

On the other hand, if you’re a writer, and you want to write a character from this (or any, for that matter) community you aren’t part of, I caution you.

Do your research. Preferably from multiple credible sources.

Talk to people on the spectrum about what it’s really like. (Though try to steer clear of asking for emotional labor.You could, say, hop on reddit and ask the community there, for instance, which is a no pressure way to obtain potentially decent info.)

Finally, whatever you do, remember this-

Autistic people can look like anyone. We can act, and think and be different, like anyone. We are real, living, breathing people. Not robots, not sob stories, not tropes. People. So if you write about us, write us like people. And your work will be all the better for it.

-Your Loving Vincent

[mymelodyheart]

Highland Destiny Chapter 9 ~The Fury & The Beast~

Claire was motionless. She was looking straight ahead, frozen and unblinking. Her awareness was gradually peeling away like she was being split in two. She knew she was no longer in her body and was observing the activities through a goldfish bowl. It was all very dream-like, everything was starting to shimmer like their atoms couldn't hold together, and the colours seemed too bright and the people too close. This sense of detachment frequently happened to Claire when she's about to perform surgery. It was a kind coping mechanism to help her deal with stress and anxiety and aid her surgical work with precision and efficiency. 

"Claire! Claire! Are ye alright? Look at me!" 

She turned. It was Geillis. Claire looked at her face, and she thought it looked like it was made of wax and it was animated by some alien spirit. She smiled at her friend, but it was an empty smile. "I think I need a drink," Claire murmured. She didn't recognise her own voice - it sounded very garbled and distorted, like someone speaking through a very long metal pipe.

"Aye, of course, ye dae...c'mon," Geillis said as she led her away towards the bar. She was concerned about Claire. She knew that look from their medical student days whenever they performed a mock dissection. Her face would become expressionless, and her actions very clinical. And although Claire was fully functional, she was very robotic. Geillis wanted to shake her and slap her on the face to bring her back, but she couldn't. Not in front of all these people. Instead, she ordered a double whisky and made her drink it straight.  Damn ye, Fraser! Damn ye!

It worked. It wasn't long before Claire was sputtering and coughing. And when she came around, the pain was etched on her face.

"Oh God Geillis, what the fuck!" Reality suddenly hit Claire like a massive wallop to her stomach, and the continuous piercing sensation in her heart was returning again.

Joe was there, his firm grip on her arm was supporting her. "Sweetheart, shall we go outside for some fresh air?" he said softly, as Gail looked on.

"No! No! Just let me be, I need a moment alone. Please." Claire's voice cracked. Joe and Geillis knew she was trying to hold it together, but they could only watch helplessly as their friend walked away and headed for the bathroom.

..........

Jamie saw it, plain as day. He couldn't bear it. He couldn't bear to see the pain in Claire's eyes. It was the first thing Jamie noticed before all the insanity began. His head was reeling, and his heart was fragmenting piece by piece as he bore witness to Claire's anguish. In all his life, Jamie had never seen hurt with that much intensity, and it pained him to see Claire like this. He wanted to go to her, but he felt trapped. Confined. Ambushed. Everything was happening too fast for him to get a grip of reality. Annalise's hand felt heavy like manacles on his arm, weighing him down. 

"Smile sweetheart, you wanted this remember. Now look happy," Annalise said through her teeth as she smiled and posed at every snap of the camera.

That's when he snapped. Seething, he could no longer go on with the pretence. "There is no engagement!" Jamie bellowed, making everyone nearby jump. Not caring anymore, he roughly grabbed Annalise by the elbow, steering her through the crowd, brushing past stunned onlookers.

"Jamie! Let go...you're hurting me," she hissed as she tried to yank off her arms from his firm grip.

Ignoring her, Jamie led her out of the ballroom and into an empty conference room. He was fervently praying that Claire would still be around once he dealt with this awful mess.  Oh, Christ Claire, I'm so sorry!  Away from prying eyes, he turned Annalise around to face him, maybe too harshly. He didn't give a damn. "What the fuck was that all about?" Jamie asked in a dangerously, calm voice. He wanted to yell at her but refrained from doing so.

"What do you mean Jamie... I thought you wanted this..." she retorted.

"No, I didna want this. I never did. Neither did ye." He snarled, his temper was quickly mounting.

She glowered at him. "What the fuck are you talking about?"

Noticing her confusion, he took a deep breath, feeling frustrated and sick in the stomach. "All these is a fucking farce. Don't ye get it?" He ran his hand through his hair in agitation. "Think back, Annalise, think back for Christ sake! Think back to the time when we started seeing each other. We were dating...we were young....we didn't even talk about any future. Ye loved yer parties, and I was intoxicated with my achievement. Neither of us understood the concept of marriage, let alone even thought about it. When my uncle fell into hardship, I wanted to help. Then yer father came along and dangled the opportunity for me to retrieve my uncle's vineyard...well, that's if I married ye. I dinna ken what he's been telling ye but back then I was willing to do anything to save my uncle's failing business...." Jamie's words came pouring out, unrestrained.

They were both still for a while. Jamie watched Annalise absorbed his revelation.

Then she closed her eyes and exhaled deeply as if a burden was lifted. She lingered a moment to compose herself. "It's all about those shares, then?"

Jamie nodded. 

Pondering, she carried on. "So papa bribed you." It was stated more as a fact rather than a question. She shook her head in disbelief and paced back and forth until she found her next words. "Thinking back...you know... us...I did like you Jamie, and you liked me, and we had fun, but we were never in-love, were we?"

"No. We weren't," Jamie admitted. "But I liked ye enough to go through with the marriage. I thought I was doing something honourable by agreeing to yer father's wishes. But I was wrong. I know that now. Ye would have hated me eventually if I married ye and brought ye here to Scotland. Ye've never liked it here. And I don't want to be anywhere else in the world, but here in the highlands." Jamie paused, trying to think about the best way to soften the blow. "If it's any consolation to ye, I would have tried my utmost best to be a good husband, but that's no guarantee for a happy marriage."

" Fils de pute!"  she cursed under her breath.  " My papa is one manipulative, piece of shit! And it's true...I hate it here. The rain, the greyness, the cold. It rains all the time and living here would have made me miserable." She paused, taking a deep breath. "You see Jamie, I have always followed papa's orders. I had no choice. I've never worked a day in my life, and he holds the purse's string. Sometimes he would threaten me if I didn't comply. His usual threat was to cut off my allowance. So if he says jump, the only acceptable response would be, how high? Do you remember Charles Gauloise? I was in love with him, but he was married. We were having an affair, and I wanted him to leave his wife. So when you asked me to marry you, I thought it was a perfect opportunity to make him jealous and please papa as well. Papa wanted us married because he thought with your name connected to our family name, it would boost his own business. Then Charles found out about our engagement, and when he promised to leave his wife, I broke off our engagement at once. I thought if Charles married me, I would be free from my father's clutches. Unfortunately, Charles' promises were nothing but empty promises. And I fell more than once for his lies; hence, I broke off our engagement twice. I remember now clearly, how relieved you looked when I broke off our engagement. You didn't even look disappointed."

Ignoring the last statement, Jamie demanded, "And how about tonight? What was that all about? For fuck sake, it was like a fucking circus out there. And you fucking knew well I hated all the media attention."

Annalise sighed, feeling resigned. "Everything that happened tonight was papa's design after you told him you didn't want anything to do with Château Cheval Blanc. He was afraid that if your name weren't attached to the business, it would no longer thrive. God, I don't even know why he is hanging on to that stupid vineyard. He hates it, and he doesn't even know a thing about wine-making. So you did do me a favour by telling those people there's no engagement."

Jamie was stunned by the admission, and he softened up a bit. "Christ Annalise, why didn't ye tell me? I could have helped ye. All this would have never happened if ye told me." 

"Helped me how Jamie? We were both played. I am hopeless without my father's money. Don't get me wrong, he loves me dearly, but he loves himself more. At least now, I don't have to continue this fucking charade."

"Ye're not hopeless Annalise! Ye're a talented painter. Any gallery in Paris will exhibit yer work, and ye have a well-known name to boot." Jamie didn't know whether to feel sorry for her or feel exasperated at her spoiled behaviour. Either way, he was eager to get this conversation over with and go find Claire.

She remained silent, pondering what he just said.

When she didn't say anything, Jamie continued. "Ye see, I hung on to our relationship because I thought one day ye will agree to marry me and finally I would be able to restore Château Cheval Blanc as a Fraser legacy. But like ye, I couldn't keep this up...so I decided to draw the line and give up the vineyard because..."

"Because you're in love," Annalise added sighing. "It's that woman in red, right?"

Jamie nodded, failing miserably to conceal his emotion as the picture of Claire's anguished face replayed on his mind.

"I saw earlier the way you looked at her. You have never looked at me that way...not once," she said sadly, thinking of Charles. 

Jamie didn't want to waste any more time. He had to go and find Claire. "Annalise, I'm sorry...I need to see her now. Will ye be alright if I leave ye?" Jamie asked, his voice hoarse.

She smiled weakly. "Of course. You go get your girl. And I'm so sorry for fucking this up for you."

"No lass, it was me who fucked up. I should have told her the truth from the beginning. Dinna worry." He smiled back in reassurance.

"So friends again?"

"Aye, of course."

"Hug?"

"NO! No hug. No offence but I'm in a lot of trouble already so we will leave it at that if ye dinna mind."

Annalise laughed. "Go then!"

Just as Jamie was about to leave, the door opened. "Jaime, we have a problem. Yer uncle is blind drunk and causing problems," Rupert announced.  What the fuck now!

..........

Claire applied cold water to her neck and temple after sitting in the toilet cubicle for the longest time. Despite the heat on her face, she was shivering. Claire didn't want to think of Jamie. She didn't want to cry. All she wanted to do was go home, curl up in a ball and sleep.  It's alright Beauchamp, you can do this! Just breathe! 

The sudden opening of the door made her jump, and the sound of the music from the ballroom drifted in, reminding Claire where she was. As she turned around, she found herself staring at a very inebriated Dougal McKenzie, Jamie's uncle.

"Weel, weel, what do we have here? The pretty wee lady in red..." he slurred as he swayed on his feet. He had his hands on both sides of the door frame to support himself, and his handsome face was puffy from too much alcohol.

"Dougal, this is the ladies room..." Claire explained, hoping he will turn around and leave. His presence was giving her ominous feeling.

Dougal gave her a lopsided smile as he took a step forward. "Och I see that...an' I can see one very, very pretty lady."

Claire tried to go around him, but he was reaching out for her. Slightly tipsy herself, she floundered a bit and almost lost her balance.

"Come here and give me a wee kiss. I promise not to tell Jamie..." he garbled as he took another step forward.

There was hardly any room to manoeuvre as Claire tried to sidestep him. Before she could make her next move, she was cornered as he pitched forward and grabbed hold of her waist. He pulled her to him as he groped at her breast, but the struggle was futile - he was a large man, and his grip was strong despite his state. She tried to squirm out of his embrace. "Let go of me you damn fool or I'll scream!" 

She tried her hardest to push from his chest, but he didn't budge. Then panic set in when he tried to lift her dress, and before she could scream, a large hand took him by the shoulder and the next thing she knew, Dougal was slumped on the floor.

Claire stared in disbelief. It was all like a blur. One minute he was pawing her and the next minute, he's been decked.

"Oh my God, oh my God, he's hurt!" she whispered. Claire didn't even notice Jamie standing there. Everything happened so fast that she didn't see him throwing a punch. All her focus was on the injured man, sprawled lifeless-like at her feet. Oblivious to Jamie's presence, she knelt down by the immobile body and checked his pulse. The doctor in her had taken over, and everything else evaporated.

Then he touched her. "Sassenach are ye alright?" Jamie asked softly as he took off his plaid to placed it over her shoulders. He noticed she had been trembling the whole time. To his relief, she wrapped it tight around her.

"Oh Jamie, it's you...please help me turn him over to his side. He's had too much alcohol, he might choke on his own vomit," she said in a voice that was flat and unfeeling. "And please call an ambulance just to make sure he's alright." 

Jamie helped her turn Dougal but was confused with her response. Claire seemed to be in some sort of trance.

Then she stood up, pulling the plaid tighter around her. "Right Jamie, I have to get going...and remember, call an ambulance please." She patted him on the arm before turning away,

Gently he touched her, again "Sassenach, please look at me, we need to talk...please..." Jamie was beginning to be alarmed.  Oh, God, Claire, please.

The moment he touched her for the second time, Claire suddenly snapped out from her stupor and whipped around to face him, her eyes bright with anger, and her cheeks flushed red. "Don't touch me, " she hissed through clenched teeth. Jamie nearly staggered backwards at the sudden change of demeanour.

"Sassenach please, it's not what ye think..." he pleaded. Jamie was groping in the dark for the right words.

"Not what I think? How do you know what I think! Tell me this James Fraser..." she stepped forward, her face contorted in pain and was mere inches from his, "What am I to you? Huh? TELL ME!"

"Claire, I beg ye, come with me. We have a room here in the hotel..." he implored. He wanted to take her in his arms and soothe her, but he knew there was very little chance of that happening soon.

"A room? Is that it... you think I'll come up with you and everything will be alright? How many women have you taken in that room? And answer my question...WHAT AM I TO YOU? Answer me, damn you." Claire was panting like some wild banshee, and she couldn't stop. "Well, you know what, you fucking bloody Scot, I think you think that I'm just another girl you can stick your cock in and warm your bed while we play little cottage in the woods. That's all I am to you. I'm just another cunt to fuck. Isn't it? Admit it, James Fraser, ADMIT IT YOU BASTARD!" This time Claire was yelling.

Jamie grabbed her arm and pulled her closer until they were nose to nose. His anger was beginning to rise, not towards Claire but because of the whole situation. He only wanted a perfect evening for her, and it was all going very wrong. "Sassenach, ye have a filthy mouth on ye...will ye pipe down please."

"I DON'T FUCKING CARE YOU FUCKING BASTARD!" she yelled.

There was a moment of silence as Jamie and Claire swayed from each other, both stunned by the outburst. They were both hurting and had no idea how to end the madness. Claire wanted so much to be in his arms, but there were so many unanswered questions. And Jamie thought it would be as easy as saying I'm sorry.

He took a cautious step towards her, and for the first time in his life, Jamie bared his true feelings. Gone was the mask. The veil lifted, and his face was one of despair. "Sassenach please, ye're tearing my guts out."

Claire saw his pain, and she wanted to reach out, but before she could, Annalise showed up at the door, her eyes widening at the sight of Dougal's slumped body. "Is everything alright? I heard shouting." At the sight of her, Claire remembered why they were in this predicament. She felt her blood boil all over again.

Seizing control, Claire straightened her shoulder and stared directly at Annalise, "I was just telling your fiance that he should remind his uncle to keep his cock to himself." Claire looked back at Jamie. "I guess he had a boner to pick with me."

Then she walked off, leaving them to stare after her.

"Sassenach! Wait!"

She kept walking, Jamie's plaid still around her and she could smell his aftershave on the fabric. She didn't cry even though her heart was breaking. She kept on walking past a sea of faces aware Jamie was following. She didn't look back. She ignored the nods and glances. She kept walking. Then she bumped into Geillis.

"Claire, we'll take ye home, alright?" She nodded still stupefied from recent events. "Joe and Gail are outside getting the car, and I will get our coats. Will ye wait in the lobby for me?" Claire could only nod again. 

Then she kept on walking again, this time towards the lobby, but Jamie was getting nearer. She quickened her pace and was relieved when she saw Tom Christie. Claire went to him.

"Claire! Are ye alright? Ye don't look too good." He touched her elbow lightly, steering her aside.

"No, I don't feel right. Can you please accompany me outside...Joe is waiting for me there."

"Of course..." Tom put his arms around Claire and escorted her out of the hotel. Jamie could only stand and watch as they walked away.

..........

Jamie left the ball early and went to the cottage. It was very dark. He let himself in, but there was no sign of Claire. He went to the kitchen and saw the pile of morning dishes still unwashed. On the counter was a mug of half-drunk Earl Grey tea. It had Claire's lipstick mark on it. Jaime cleared, washed and dried the dishes. Then he went to the lounge and picked up the cushions from the floor and placed them on the couch and then made his way to the bathroom for a quick shower. In the bedroom, he lied on Claire's side of the bed and hoped that when he wakes up the following morning, everything that happened that night was just a nightmare.

[witnessprotectionau]

By M’gann

Welcome one, welcome all! M’gann here today, since I’m the only one in the superhero community with experience running a blog. It’s a pleasure to meet you all, even if it isn’t under the most ideal of circumstances...

This is the Justice League’s official tumblr blog! Since our identities were outed, we don’t have to worry about accidently leaking personal information anymore, and we decided to create various social media accounts so our actions are more public and available to everyone, and totally not because if we didn’t, our actions would have to be monitered by the government and none of us want people following us around at all times, or Secretary Ross anywhere close enough to have his eyes on us!! :)

(Scarlet Witch/Wanda just burst out laughing, and she doesn’t have her phone on her, so I think she’s reading my mind, now I know how it feels, but at the same time, I’m glad I made at least one person laugh with that)

If we just post what we’re up to, then we can just refuse to post about when we go to the bathroom unless it’s important, which was a big concern for us all when people following us was first brought up. But that’s besides the point!

This blog will contain all the stuff we’re posting on other social media, so you can just follow us here to get all the tea!

... My uncle just came in to inform me that those of older generations might not know what that means, and that I have to try to not leave anyone out.

‘Tea’ means gossip.

Okay, so starting off this blog with a bang, the entire superhero community (which also includes vigilantes, anti-heroes, and villains, not just superheroes, it’s just quicker to say!) decided to all create twitter accounts to post their name, if their identity was revealed and their civillian name. Now, I don’t know EVERYBODY in the community, so I put in everyone who commented superhero-like stuff on the post. I’m pretty sure that they aren’t real heroes, but it’s better safe than to be rude and exclude people! Besides, I didn’t know about the Defenders half an hour ago until I heard someone in the house exclaim that someone named Daredevil was finally getting media coverage because of this. Apparently a few people in the house were fans of him. __________

Okay, so... You guys weren’t there, but I stopped writing for a few hours to attend a justice league meeting with the avengers and quite a few other people, and here’s what was ultimately decided:

Because we have so many enemies, it isn’t safe for any of us to live alone anymore, so we’ve basically all moved in together? Well, not all of us. Those who had their identities revealed, and those who lived with them, or could have their identities revealed based on everyone else.

For example, Batman had his identity revealed, which, by the way, what???

Bruce WAYNE??

But yeah, Batman had his identity revealed, but Robin didn’t. The new Robin. Not the first one. Nightwing is his eldest son, Dick Grayson. But people can figure it out based on his height. Which, by the way... Bruce has his reasons for letting him into the community, give him some slack. He’s been getting a lot of hate from it. And speaking of Bruce Wayne, it is his manor that we’ve all moved into, since it’s large and has excellent security. I haven’t met his other kids yet, so I don’t know if they already knew their dad was Batman, and their siblings were Nightwing and Robin. I’ll ask them when they show up. __________

Okay, so I left to get food for five minutes, and when I came back, the og JL members were staring at my screen and laughing their heads off while Bruce sat by the side and scowled. So... I’m concerned. If this post never goes up, assume I’m dead.

BUT ANYWAY!!!!!!

I made everyone in the house promise not to read the comments on the original twitter post, and only read them here, as some of us wanted our accounts not to be spammed by their friends. Like, Garfield uses his account to advocate for animal rights, he doesn’t want to constantly respond to other supers’ messages. He’s too busy for that!

The mess on Twitter, as follows: __________

Youonyourphone,situpstraight! @ #1FBIAGENT Plastic Man, aka Patric O’Brian. I was outed, which makes my job VERY interesting now... (read: awkward)

Winged Warrior @ Hawkwoman ✔️ Shayera Hol. I have wings. If  you couldn’t figure out my “civillian identity” by me walking down the street, earth is too dumb to save anymore

r3d @ 70rn4d0 The children chose this name for me. Red Tornado, AKA John Smith.

Green Arrow @ notrobinhood ✔️ Oliver Queen, revealed too... Let’s hope this doesn’t affect STAR labs... Sorry PR department. :/

Adam @ DrStrangeJunior League doctor, last name strange. The avengers already have a doctor strange, and I’m younger than him, hence DrStrangJunior. I never really had a hero identity in the first place, but everyone insists that I’m a part of the group, so... yeah

Big Boy Blue @ TheREalSuperman ✔️ Clark Kent, Kal-el, Superman. Speaking of, why was @ Superman already taken?

Aquaman @ KingOfAtlantis ✔️ Even though I don’t REALLY have a secret identity, I have to do this anyway for some reason? Arthur Curry.

rocket @ PCHOOOOO raquel ervin. rocket. the only reason icon is around so bow down to me. Tim chose my name.

therapist @ capitalsareimportant Black Canary. Dinah Lance-Queen. Betcha Imma bout to lose my job.

take the shot @ harperoy Red Arrow, Will harper, Previously Speedy. I had this @ before... everything

Fastest Man Online @ 2fast2type ✔️ flash, barry allen, dying inside BECAUSEI’MLIVINGINABILLIONAIRE’SHOUSENOWANDTHEREISSOMUCHFOOD

zatanna @ annataz Only one name, Zatanna. That’s both my civillian name and my superhero name, but my stage name SOMEHOW is still a secret??? smh everyone’s blind...

cptnmarvel @ SHAZAM! Captain Marvel. The male one, since apparently I have to say that now?? My identity is still a secret tho!

Themiscyra❤️🧡💛💚💙💜🖤 @ Wonderous ✔️ Wonder Woman. Princess Diana. However, my Civillian name is Diana Prince __________

Now, The Green Lanterns... Kilowog got an account first, and it didn’t end well... __________

Kilowog @ GreenLanternOFFICIAL ✔️ As one of the Green Lanterns assigned to this sector, I decided to join in on this internet stuff, since it seems so important to everyone on this planet. Kilowog here! Green Lantern.

John Stewart @ GreenLantern1 ✔️ SOMEONE stole @ GreenLanternOFFICIAL  🙄

I CAME FIRST! @ OriginalGreenLantern ✔️ @ GreenLantern1 ???!?!? ONE!?!?! I WAS THE FIRST HUMAN GREEN LANTERN THANK YOU VERY MUCH JOHN!

John Stewart @ GreenLantern1 ✔️ It was the first thing I thought of aside from GreenLantenOFFICIAL, don’t yell at me!

I CAME FIRST! @ OriginalGreenLantern ✔️ why didn’t you just do GreenLanternJohn instead of stealing what was rightfully mine?

John Stewart @ GreenLantern1 ✔️ Hey, you aren’t the boss of @’s!

I CAME FIRST! @ OriginalGreenLantern ✔️ who says I’m not?

John Stewart @ GreenLantern1 ✔️ You’re obviously not!

I CAME FIRST! @ OriginalGreenLantern ✔️ but who says?

John Stewart @ GreenLantern1 ✔️ Me!

I CAME FIRST! @ OriginalGreenLantern ✔️ but you’re not the boss of me!

John Stewart @ GreenLantern1 ✔️ Since when?

I CAME FIRST! @ OriginalGreenLantern ✔️ since i’m your senior!

John Stewart @ GreenLantern1 ✔️ I’m older than you!

I CAME FIRST! @ OriginalGreenLantern ✔️ i’ve been a green lantern longer!

John Stewart @ GreenLantern1 ✔️ That doesn’t matter!

I CAME FIRST! @ OriginalGreenLantern ✔️ then if it doesn’t matter, change your name!

John Stewart @ GreenLantern1 ✔️ To WHAT?!

I CAME FIRST! @ OriginalGreenLantern ✔️ GreenLantern16 or something, i don’t know!

John Stewart @ GreenLantern1 ✔️ There aren’t even that many Green Lanterns!

I CAME FIRST! @ OriginalGreenLantern ✔️ there are hundreds of us!

John Stewart @ GreenLantern1 ✔️ I meant HUMAN Green Lanterns!

I CAME FIRST! @ OriginalGreenLantern ✔️ then fucking specify next time? is that so hard?!

John Stewart @ GreenLantern1 ✔️ Fuck off, asshole!

I CAME FIRST! @ OriginalGreenLantern ✔️ you first!

John Stewart @ GreenLantern1 ✔️ That’s not even an insult!

I CAME FIRST! @ OriginalGreenLantern ✔️ and yours was?!

John Stewart @ GreenLantern1 ✔️ Shut up!

I CAME FIRST! @ OriginalGreenLantern ✔️ just change your name and i will!

John Stewart @ GreenLantern1 ✔️ You can’t change your @’s, just your user!

I CAME FIRST! @ OriginalGreenLantern ✔️ then get a new account!

John Stewart @ GreenLantern1 ✔️ That’s a pain though!

I CAME FIRST! @ OriginalGreenLantern ✔️ suck it up!

John Stewart @ GreenLantern1 ✔️ You’re the one who started all this!

I CAME FIRST! @ OriginalGreenLantern ✔️ you started the argument with Kilowog’s account when he’s not even on the planet anymore!

John Stewart @ GreenLantern1 ✔️ It was a joke! You’re the one who took it seriously!

hey Guys @ GreenLantern ✔️ hey Guys...??

I CAME FIRST! @ OriginalGreenLantern ✔️ ...

John Stewart @ GreenLantern1 ✔️ ... __________

hey Guys @ GreenLantern ✔️ ok so kilowogs off planet, and the others are refusing to use their accounts after the incident where i murdered them both, so im doing their introductions for them

hey Guys @ GreenLantern ✔️ @ GreenLantern1 is john stewart, obviously. @ OriginalGreenLantern is hal jordan, and yeah, he was the first human lantern. and me? the only Guy who had the bright idea of actually checking to see if @ GreenLantern was available like a normal person?

hey Guys @ GreenLantern ✔️ i was off-world when everyone’s identities were revealed, and thus have my secrets!

hey Guys @ GreenLanten ✔️ well, i mean... i didn’t exactly hide it before, so some people might know, but im loving the fact that i kept my identity secret when batman didnt, so i decided to keep it to flaunt that fact to the others. peace out __________

Ro(g)y @ arsenal The OG Roy Harper here. Arsenal. Previously speedy.

Kaldur’ahm @ Aqualad ✔️ My user and @ says it all. I was revealed. Uselessly, but still revealed.

Mygreatestachievementwillbebeingborn @ Impulsive Bart Allen, AKA Impulse. My identity WAS revealed, but good luck finding out who I am. ;-)

Apollo’s Crockpot Sister @ Artemis ✔️ Artemis, AKA Artemis Crock. Now y’all can finally stop asking me about my name.

From Fanboy To @ LagoonBoy L’gann here. Lagoon Boy. I’m green, you should be able to know what my civillian self looks like. It’s not like I can hide.

buzz off @ bumblebee I wasn’t revealed, but... being a superhero would be a suitable excuse for being late to classes... Karen Beecher-Duncan, Bumblebee! (Don’t worry, I discussed revealing myself with the entire league, and they said it was cool)

World’s best dodger and bullshitter @ Guardian Bumbles’ loving husband, Mal Duncan.

hello megan! @ hellom’gann ✔️ M’gann M’orzz AKA Megan Morse AKA Miss Martian. Superboy doesn’t have an account, but also didn’t get his identity leaked (somehow) anyway!!

Wall-Man @ It’sKIDFLASH ✔️ Wally West, Kid Flash. Nice to meet Y’all

Apollo’s Crockpot Sister @ Artemis ✔️ Y’all

Wall-Man @ It’sKIDFLASH ✔️ Okay, you used it just two seconds ago so don’t @ me

Jaime @ ScarabHost ✔️ Jaime Reyes here. Now, the previous blue beetle is in a coma, and has been for years, I’m the new one. I just never had a public enough persona to tell everyone that I’m not just him with a new suit before...

Cassie @ WONDERgirl ✔️ Come to my room @ ScarabHost, I have marshmellos to cheer you up! Yes, you can come too, @ Impulsive  😋

Mygreatestachievementwillbebeingborn @ Impulsive Like you could keep me from food.  😜

Dr. Tony Stark @ youknowwhoiam ✔️ I Am Iron Man

Hawk-ayeeee @ hawkeyeshadow Clint Barton

Brunhilde @ TheLastValkyrie All in the name.

Platypus @ TiredOfTony Col. James Rhodes, AKA War Machine, previously Iron Patriot (Thank goodness)

The Black Panther @ Kingofwakanda ✔️ T’Challa of Wakanda.

godofhammers @ kingofasgard ✔️ I am Thor, son of Frigga

Captain American’t deal @ Steven19 ✔️ Steve Rogers, Captain America.

My Name’s Not Scarlett @ It’s Wanda ✔️ Scarlet Witch

On your above @ FalconPINCH ✔️ Sam Wilson

🅱️lums @ WhiteWolf James “Bucky” Barnes here. Previously Winter Soldier... Sorry.

Toaster @ Eyesight ✔️ Vision Stark.

Dr. Tony Stark @ youknowwhoiam ✔️ I’m crying.

Master Of The Mystic Arts @ DrStephenStrangeMD ✔️ I didn’t change my @ when I got into this world

Fury @ DirectorOfSHIELD ✔️ My name is already there.

Not That Maria @ AssistantDirectorOfSHIELD ✔️ Maria Hill, Assistant Director Of SHIELD

I am Groot @ Multilinguism I am Groot.

PETER NO @ GamoradaughterofABITCH Gamora.

PETER YES @ STARLORDOFFICIAL Peter Quill, Starlord!

Chocolate Works @ WeAreVenom Identity kept, bitches!

Shield Maiden @ LadySif I am Sif.

T’Challa’s babysitter @ GeneralOfWakanda ✔️ I am Okoye.

Logan @ Wolverine ✔️ I would reveal my identity, but I don’t know what it is myself.

Laura @ Wolverine2 ✔️ OMG DAD! You got your memories back, stop making amnesia jokes, they’re lame!

Logan @ Wolverine ✔️ This isn’t Private Messages sweetie

Laura @ Wolverine ✔️ FUCK

DannyRand @ AngstPuppy Iron Fist here!

notthedevil @ kurtthenightcrawler I’m blue, it’s not like I can hide?

Godda go feast @ Quicksilver Pietro Maximoff, Wanda’s twin brother.

Freshuricado @ WakandaHeadOfScience ✔️ Princess Shuri. I don’t have a hero name, but I sometimes fight with gauntlets, so...?

Best Grandma @ Gi-Ant-Man Scott Lang here, also known as Ant-Man!

The Wasp @ HopeVanDyne ✔️ Scott’s better half.

Quill chose my name @ trashpanda Rocket Raccoon. That’s my name, nothing else.

Iron Daughter @ Blueberry My name is Nebula Stark, Gamora’s sister.

Dr. Tony Stark @ youknowwhoiam ✔️ 😭😭😭🥰

bobby @ Iceman So... My identity wasn’t revealed, but... most mutants at the school don’t really hide their identities, so everyone knows who I am here? But I didn’t wanna get left out of the train, so I’m Bobby Drake. AKA Iceman

Unbreakable @ LukeCage I don’t have an alternate name?? Yet my identity was still secret somehow?? (Well, not anymore) I hate everyone’s blindness. No offence to someone though, you know who you are.

Drax @ Drax I am Drax!

Jessica Nones @ AliasInvestigations ✔️ I never hid, but I guess I’m finally advertising.

💚🔪💚@ Iammantis! Hello everyone! I am Mantis!

DIDN’T CHOOSE MY OWN NAME @ ItIsBEN The Thing. Ben Grimm.

NAME WAS GIVEN BY DUMBASS BROTHER @ butiapprove The Invisible Woman. Sue Storm.

CHOSE MY OWN NAME @ FLAMEON The Human Torch. Johnny Storm

My name wasn’t chosen by me @ butitboostsmyego Mr. Fantastic. Reed Richards.

CHOSE MY OWN NAME @ FLAMEON YOU MESSED UP THE CAPITALS ORDER!!!

My name wasn’t chosen by me @ butitboostsmyego SIGH

__________

So, quick note, the next people... Well, I haven’t got any confirmation that they’re ACTUALLY heroes. But I don’t wanna exclude anyone, and they might just be obscure vigilantes that I don’t know about, but they commented on the thread that only heroes were meant to, and it’s not like believing them to be heroes will get me hurt like it would on a mission if they were villains in disguise, so... I’m just going to trust them this time! __________

Anathema @ Device I’m Anathema Device, and I’ll be doing the technology side for Crowley, Aziraphale, and Newton Pulsifer.

Adam @ DEATHJR Kids of the Armageddon’t, unite! (Except Warlock, cuz he didn’t actually save anything) Adam Young here.

Pestilance? @ POLLUTIONJR Brian here! (My mum says I can’t give out my last name until I hit 18, sorry for the lack of syncronity...)

Adam @ DEATHJR (It’s all cool Brian, not your fault!)

Cuz common sense is the rarest resource @ FAMINEJR Well, most of us can unite, anyway... I miss Pep, even if she had a weird name that I’m pretty sure was fake, looking back on our childhood.

MY NAME IS AWESOME, FIGHT ME @ WARJR You wanna go, Wensly?

Pestilance? @ POLLUTIONJR YOU’RE ALIVE?!!

MY NAME IS AWESOME, FIGHT ME @ WARJR Yeah, I’ll DM you three my number so we can catch up.

Pestilance? @ POLLUTIONJR Is it really her though?

Adam @ DEATHJR Well, you DID forget to put your name down Wensly. Nice to see you again Pep!

Pestilance? @ POLLUTIONJR But they could have just hacked your computer?

Adam @ DEATHJR If she did that, she would have called him Wenslydale, not just Wensly. She knew better.

Cuz common sense is the rarest resource @ FAMINEJR One way to find out. @ WARJR, say you’re name to us all within the next five minutes!

MY NAME IS AWESOME, FIGHT ME @ WARJR Pippin Galadriel Moonchild, Pleb. Bow down to your missing member.

Pestilance? @ POLLUTIONJR OMG, I’m legit crying you guys...

Cuz common sense is the rarest resource @ FAMINEJR IT REALLY IS YOU!

Adam @ DEATHJR Glad to know you’re safe and sound, Pep. 🖤

MY NAME IS AWESOME, FIGHT ME @ WARJR Puh-lease. You really think *I* could keep out of trouble?

Adam @ DEATHJR Glad to know you’re sound, Pep. 🖤

MY NAME IS AWESOME, FIGHT ME @ WARJR Glad to be sound, Antichrist! 🖤 Still haven’t learnt what safety is tho... :P

Pestilance? @ POLLUTIONJR Pepper? Living a calm enough life to be SAFE? Wouldn’t dream of it. 🖤

Cuz common sense is the rarest resource @ FAMINEJR Send me your number so I can cry while hearing your voice 🖤

MY NAME IS AWESOME, FIGHT ME @ WARJR Sure, it’s in your DMs now, and Wensleydale? You were right. “Pippin Galadriel Moonchild” isn’t my real name.

Cuz common sense is the rarest resource @ FAMINEJR FUCKEN CALLED IT!

Pestilance? @ POLLUTIONJR WAIT WHAT?!

Adam @ DEATHJR THEN WHY DID THE TEACHERS CALL YOU PEPPER TOO??!?

MY NAME IS AWESOME, FIGHT ME @ WARJR Think that’s bad? Remember how all that Stuff™ went down when we all were 11? Lies, I was 9.

Cuz common sense is the rarest resource @ FAMINEJR BUT YOU WERE IN OUR CLASS

Adam @ DEATHJR WHAT THE HOME PEP?!

Pestilance? @ POLLUTIONJR HOW DID THE TEACHERS LET YOU TWO GRADES ABOVE WERE YOU REALLY THAT SMART??

MY NAME IS AWESOME, FIGHT ME @ WARJR OF COURSE I WAS YOU ASS! But nah... I ran away from home, hitchhiked, skipped the county, forged my ma’s signature to put me up for adoption, stole some adoption papers, and placed them on the mayor’s desk filled in, and as far as anyone was aware, I was now the daughter of the local hippie

MY NAME IS AWESOME, FIGHT ME @ WARJR I picked “Pippin Galadriel Moonchild” as my name because I was a massive nerd.

Adam @ DEATHJR THERE IS SO MUCH TO UNPACK IN THAT I DON’T KNOW WHERE TO BEGIN, WHAT THE FUCK PEP?!?!?

MY NAME IS AWESOME, FIGHT ME @ WARJR I’m an agent of Chaos.

Two Seconds Away From Giving Up @ JERomY Kid... __________

This thread wasn’t important, but... I just found it heartwarming that they found eachother after assuming Pepper was dead, and I found it funny. __________

Miraculous @ LadybugOFFICIAL Okay, I have convinced all of the team to say their name and position. I even managed to get everyone to get matching Team Names, and put their superpower as their user! Only those with identities revealed will have to say their name, however.-OGLB

Miraculous @ LadybugOFFICIAL This account is run by two different ladybugs. If you don’t see a signature at the end of a post, it’s Bugette, the current Ladybug. If you do, it’s me, the last Ladybug. -OGLB

Cataclysm @ ChatNoirOFFICIAL My identity is still secret, suckers!

Like I’d tell you @ RenaRougeOFFICIAL Rude. Alya cesaire. I’m a retired hero, but doing my best every day to be once again worthy to wield a miraculous. I doubt it would be the same, however, as @ NeurofoxinOFFICIAL is a much better fox than I am it seems.

Miraculous @ LadybugOFFICIAL DM me -OGLB

Miraculous @ LadybugOFFICIAL Alya! You were meant to put your special power in the user! :(

Like I’d tell you @ RenaRougeOFFICIAL I was going to, but then Viperion pointed out to me that our powers were too obvious by our special power name, and that the two of us in particular needed others to not be aware of what we can do to make us all safer.

Miraculous @ LadybugOFFICIAL That is a very sound judgement! I’m glad you thought ahead and made the wise deciscion!

Your new goth gf @ NeurofoxinOFFICIAL Rena, you’re a better fox than me, it just seems like that due to self-doubt. You are more suited to the fox than I am, it’s just that the fox is needed that I am even a holder at all. WHEN you get back on the team, I’ll either be retired or given another miraculous instead. I just have the better name.

SHELLter @ CarapaceOFFICIAL Not gonna say my name, but it’s pretty obvious if you pay attention, so just like... watch if you wanna know?

Chloé Bourgeois @ QueenBeeOFFICIAL ✔️ I used to be the best holder of the Bee Miraculous, but I gave it up to @ HoneyBeeOFFICIAL, and they are acceptable.

Wenom, uwu @ HoneyBeeOFFICIAL Thank you Chloé! I couldn’t ask for a better predecessor!

Chloé Bourgeois @ QueenBeeOFFICIAL ✔️ You are most welcome, HoneyBee!

Miraculous @ LadybugOFFICIAL Uhmm... Chloé? You were meant to put your power in the user, not your name. And everyone knows what you can do, so there’s no point hiding it from everyone. -OGLB

Chloé Bourgeois @ QueenBeeOFFICIAL ✔️ You misunderstand, Ladybug. As Chloé Bourgeois, I am well known for being rich and famous.

Miraculous @ LadybugOFFICIAL And? -OGLB

Chloé Bourgeois @ QueenBeeOFFICIAL ✔️ Being rich IS my superpower.

Miraculous @ LadybugOFFICIAL SMH -OGLB

BRB, Got sword homework @ RyukoOFFICIAL @ QueenBeeOFFICIAL @ HoneyBeeOFFICIAL I am Ryuko. While the previous Hawkmoth knew my identity, the new one does not. So I will remain in the shadows, as it is now safe for me to do so and wield once more.

Miraculous @ LadybugOFFICIAL I thought we all agreed to put our powers in our users!!

BRB, Got sword homework @ RyukoOFFICIAL My skill with a blade is much more beneficial than my power over storms, I thought it more prudent to use the talent that I actually worked for. Besides, @ ChatNoirOFFICIAL sent me a meme, and it was enough to make me laugh in front of my mother, so I decided to use it.

Miraculous @ LadybugOFFICIAL DM me about how she reacted...

Miraculous @ LadybugOFFICIAL ^Same, and Chat, stop spamming our inboxes with memes! -OGLB

Pls don’t need me so I have to use it... @ ViperionOFFICIAL I am the Aforementioned Viperion. And yes, my weapon IS what you think it is. No-one knows who I am as of right now.

Your new goth gf @ NeurofoxinOFFICIAL My identity is a secret but my name is Neurofoxin.

Creation @ Ladybug Tikki here! The current active kwamis are going to sound off. Our usernames will be what we are the kwami of, and our @ s will be what animal we represent!

The ORIGINAL @ Catwoman Plagg here.

Creation @ Ladybug PLAGG!

The ORIGINAL (Destruction, THERE, HAPPY TIKKI!?!?) @ Catwoman UGH!

Avatar @ Fire Nation Dragon Well, since Plagg already broke the rules... Longg here. And I am technically not exactly breaking the rules..

Creation @ Ladybug See what you’ve caused?!

Emotional @ Peacock Duusu here!! :D

Intuition @ sassysnake Sass here.

Timey-Wimey @ BunnyIsLate Goodbye and Hello! I am Fluff, and I won’t be active on twitter often unless I will.

Trixx @ FoxyLad Technically, I’m also following the rules. 😎

;) @ Multiplication I know I just put my special ability down, but if I put my animal representative down (rat) I’ll ruin the joke... Mullo here.

Subjection @ Busylittleworkerbee I feel like I’m one of the few that still actually listens to Tikki... Pollen, at your service!

Y’all better be rich if you talk to me @ TransportationTeleportationHorse Just providing a friendly warning... Kaalki here, and I only interact with the best.

Protection @ Turtle Wayzz here, feeling like a fool since I decided following Tikki’s rule was a good idea. __________

These two groups seem like they work together? Or they’re both coincidently animal-themed, and I’m making connections when there are none. The next few are seemingly one-off people! __________

Caroline @ GLaDOS While I never saved the world myself, I saved the life of someone who did, and that should count for something.

Refined Pig @ Waddles ✔️ ((I know this is an account for my pet pig, but the creator of this account, me, has saved the world, and Waddles was there, along with my brother, @ ConspiracyTheorist))

The government isn’t the only one hiding the truth @ ConspiracyTheorist ✔️ You make me sound like a sidekick like I didn’t save your behind multiple times.

Danny Phantom’s cousin @ CALLHIMINVISOBILL Dani Phantom here! I save Amity Park, plus the world, and I’m cute to boot!

Red @ Huntress @ CALLHIMINVISOBILL is my sidekick, ignore her.

Danny Phantom’s cousin @ CALLHIMINVISOBILL Rude!

Danny PHANTOM @ GhostKingOFFICIAL ✔️ DON’T CALL ME INVISO-BILL

Danny Phantom’s cousin (Ghost Princess?) @ CALLHIMINVISOBILL You love me! 💙💚

Danny PHANTOM @ GhostKingOFFICIAL ✔️ I know you are using those for the color aesthetic, but I hope you know the blue heart represents loyalty, because you have absolutely none of that for me.

Danny Phantom’s cousin (Ghost Princess?) @ CALLHIMINVISOBILL True... How’d you even find this account anyway?

Danny PHANTOM @ GhostKingOFFICIAL ✔️ I know better than to not keep an eye on you. I’ve known for months. __________

And that’s all for now! I know we’re missing some, like Batman and my uncle, but they should be on by tomorrow. An update will be posted then!

[afinepricklypear]

Mother’s Day and Mental Health Awareness Month

**Warning - This post talks about depression, mental disorder, and an attempted suicide. Please do not read if you are sensitive to these topics. The events described here are real and true to the best of my memory.**

I went to make a post May 1st and Tumblr was kind enough to inform me that May is Mental Health Awareness month. It isn’t without irony for me that Mental Health Awareness month occurs the same month as Mother’s Day.

My relationship with my mother is a difficult topic, it’s usually only one I can talk about with my sisters, but it’s this time of year that people most want to talk about moms. When I was younger, I didn’t know what to say when people brought up their moms and mom-like behavior in general, mostly foreign concepts to me. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned I don’t have to say anything at all, like in my work meeting this morning when our supervisor reminded us all to call our mom’s this weekend, you know, “if they’re still alive”, since most of our department are near retiring age, but I don’t always know how to feel. Here comes the guilt: do I call, do I text, do I take the risk that she’ll be in a good mood or will she turn it around, again, like the year I sent her a gift and she used my gesture as ammo to attack my “ungrateful” older sister that’s still trying to untangle her own complicated relationship with our mother. I’m ten again, twelve again, sixteen again, walking on eggshells around a house where the air is so thick with the constant fog of her misery, I can’t see farther than a minute into my future.

There were good moments, of course, like any home. She was always the more encouraging parent when it came to my writing, my father would pick it all apart – in the long run, both approaches helped me become a better writer. There was the time she was given two tickets to see Mama Mia at the casino where she dealt, and she chose to take me. We got dressed up, she leant me this white faux fur jacket and some of her jewelry, curled my hair and did my make-up, she was riding high on her emotions. She took me to a fancy dinner at the Hard Rock Café before the show. We didn’t get spoiled often, and to this day, Mama Mia and ABBA hold a special place in my heart. I always think of her singing along to the radio in the car, she has a nice voice, and maybe in another life, she could’ve been a singer.

There were moments when she was trying to be sweet and it still leaves me with conflicted emotions. Like the time the German shepherd she took off the hands of a coworker who was afraid of him violently attacked me. She bandaged me up, laid in bed with me and comforted me, it’s the most motherly I ever remember her being. She kept the dog for a while after that, I still have scars on both my arms from the attack, I’ll have them the rest of my life, just like my little sister will still have her scars from when it attacked her, and my friend who came to visit will still have the scar it gave her…my older sister was only lucky that it was muzzled when it went for her face. My mother was convinced she had a special connection with this dog, that in his heart of hearts he believed he was protecting her, so I get it, she didn’t want to get rid of something that she felt loved her unconditionally.

Sometimes it’s hard to conjure these kinder memories, they become overwhelmed with the harder, darker ones that feel infinitely more numerous. There are the moments that seem innocuous, when you could say I was acting a spoiled child, like the time I was in middle school and I wanted to keep my hair long, but my mother decided I needed bangs. My dad tried to stop it, but she had made up her mind. I cried and pleaded with her but she commanded the reluctant stylist to chop the hair off. Armed with a brush and blow-dryer, she attempted to show me “it was cute” that night and things escalated to the point my dad and older sister were stepping in, arguing with my mom to let me be. I went back to that same hair stylist with my friend who was getting her hair cut the next day, and the stylist apologized, confessed that she didn’t want to cut my hair, told me it was so healthy and beautiful too, and she felt terrible doing it. Years later, when I was an adult and decided to cut my hair short with sideswept bangs, my mother would throw this memory back in my face, “sure, now you want bangs”, still incapable of understanding that it wasn’t about her, but about me wanting to define my own body and style. She did the same to my older sister in high school, dyed her hair blonde – it took so much bleach to lighten her naturally dark hair color that the hair looked fried afterwards and we were all amazed it didn’t fall out. Never mind that my older sister never wanted blonde hair to begin with, it was antithetical to her personality, and she won’t even go near the hair dye aisle now.

There are the moments where my mom was so unreasonable that everyone felt helpless, like the day I was alone in my room, my sisters in the living room talking and watching television – doing I don’t know what – and my mom was sleeping in her room because she worked graveyard shift at this time. Suddenly, inexplicably, my mom came into my room in a rage, “how dare you call your little sister stupid,” she scolded me, she continued to berate me for being cruel and mean, even as I told her, baffled, I didn’t know what she was talking about, even as my sisters argued with her, “no one called anyone stupid. She wasn’t even in the room with us.” My mother wouldn’t listen, she knew what she heard, she grounded me and, matter settled, left back to bed. My dad got home from work not long after, and I was in my room still bawling, inconsolable and unable to work out what I’d done wrong. He asked my sisters why I was crying and they explained, and, again, my mom comes storming in my room yelling, “how dare you tattle on me to your dad!” I don’t remember much of what happened from there, my dad stepped in, they argued the rest of the night, and he would later assure me I wasn’t grounded. It was the only thing he could undo from that day.

There are other, harder to define moments. The nights my mom would argue with my dad, we’d be in bed, school in the morning, and she’d turn on all our bedroom lights, rip the covers off our beds, and scream at us to get out of her house, that she was putting us all out on the streets and it was our father’s fault. I remember vividly the fight between my parents that happened in the day, everyone awake in the house, I collapsed in the kitchen as my mother ranted that we all hated her so she should leave and we won’t have to deal with her anymore, and I cried and trembled, overwhelmed with the thought, I don’t want anyone to leave, I don’t want to lose my family. I had to get out, so I did, walked right out of the house, not sure where I’d go, and my mother panicked and raced after me, put an arm over my shoulders, coaxed me back to the house. The moment the door closed; she was yelling at us again for not loving her enough and I realized I couldn’t leave, I was trapped. There was the gambling addiction, every Christmas we would be prepared, “mom lost a lot of money at the casino last night, we might not have a Christmas this year” – we had learned not to expect anything anyways and that every gift came with a quid pro quo and years of ‘remember I did this for you’. My older sister and her then-boyfriend, now-husband, watched my mom gamble away more than a month’s mortgage and spend the entire night chasing it back.

I’m thinking about all of this more recently, I think, since I started writing some fanfics for the Bungou Stray Dogs community. One of the main characters of the show is named after and inspired by author, Dazai Osamu, a man that died prematurely from a double suicide. This is treated tongue-and-cheek by the anime and its original manga through Dazai’s many failed suicide attempts and his odd flirtation strategy of asking ladies to commit double suicide with him. I kind of like this approach to the topic, it might on the surface seem insensitive to make a joke of something so serious as depression, but humor can be therapeutic and give us an easier way to broach otherwise difficult subjects.

I was in high school when my older sister and I were allowed to be in on the conversations about my mother’s mental disorder, both undiagnosed and untreated. We’d all speculate, my father and his sister, my mother’s sister, my sisters and I, the favorite theory was bipolar disorder, but we may never know. My mom refused then and refuses to this day to seek help. There were little things about her past before marrying my dad that we were allowed to know as we got older, too. Like, how she’d been put in a hospital that wanted to keep her there for further treatment – they knew something was wrong but didn’t know what, this was during a time when bipolar disorder was unheard of and they called similar diagnoses ‘manic depression’ – and she had to threaten legal action to get released. When she was eighteen, she had married a man knowing he had a terminal illness in order to help him get his green card, he died two years later, and she still considers him the great love of her life. We’re told by the media, movies like A Walk to Remember, that this is romantic, but in reality, it’s an unhealthy fixation on a relationship that was doomed from the start. She idolizes the memory of it, puts it on a pedestal as the standard for all of her other relationships to compare to, but it isn’t realistic. It was a relationship with a known expiration date, it wasn’t a real commitment, nothing had to matter because it would all come to an end soon, and they never reached the hard parts of a marriage – children, growing old, changing bodies, financial struggles, loss and disagreement. She went through a deep depression after he died and it reached a point that her sister had her placed on a suicide watch and thus began her long and sordid history of depression.

There are a lot of fanfics in the BSD community that explore a darker tone to Dazai’s depression, to varying degrees of accuracy. I mostly steer clear of them. There is one writer in the community that I won’t name, they’re an amazing writer with beautiful technical skill, and they do an impeccable job of showing depression exactly as it is for those who live it and those who live with a person that suffers from it. I left a one-word comment on one of their stories, the only positive thing I could say, and I couldn’t write anymore without the comment turning into an emotional lecture, I don’t know that author’s personal emotional state, but I also won’t read any more from them. It wasn’t the accurate depiction of depression that turned me off from the story, but the depiction of Dazai’s depression being known by all the characters in the story, including himself, but he won’t seek treatment for it, and all of the characters are shown to enable his depression and put up with his abuses that stem from his disorder. In the story he was placed in an intimate relationship with the character, Chuuya, and Chuuya is painted as the patron saint of boyfriends, willing to overlook Dazai’s every episode, draw him back from the ledge and bandage up his scars with an endless patience and gentleness. I couldn’t move passed the romanticizing of this relationship dynamic. Chuuya is shown to be noble and celebrated for his self-sacrifice and unconditional love that compels him to stay beside Dazai despite everything Dazai inflicts upon himself and Chuuya, and more importantly, despite Dazai’s refusal to get treatment.  

My mother’s emotional state was constantly our responsibility growing up. She was sad because we didn’t love her. She was angry because we were ungrateful. She was miserable because we couldn’t see all that she did for us. If she hurt us with her words, if she lashed out at us irrationally, it was our fault, because we didn’t do everything right. Never mind that what was right could change within a minute in a day. Too often when someone in your life is suffering from a mental disorder, you’re made to shoulder the blame, either unintentionally by them as they suffer from their illness or intentionally by well-meaning individuals outside of the situation that don’t know better: you just need to give them love. If they take their own life, it’s your fault, you didn’t love them enough.

It was the Friday before Mother’s Day, I was in my early twenties, finishing up my degree in Anthropology (after changing my major, I don’t know how many times). My parents were long since divorced and my mom lived alone in the house where I grew up, still shrouded in all of those dark memories. My mother’s sister had recently left town after a short visit, she had called me a few days earlier to let me know my mother lost her job  that week and was struggling to get out of the depression. In retrospect, she’d been sinking for a while now, after the violent dog and so many other incidents like it left us all with too many scars to overlook and we didn’t know how to walk back into that house, how to feel safe there. She’d covered herself in tattoos, cut her hair short, wore different wigs to work every day, she’d gained a lot of weight and was chain smoking so much there was a permanent haze in the house. None of these things should be thought of as red flags for everyone, it should be taken on an individual basis, but for my mother they were all signs that she was spiraling. She didn’t like who she saw in the mirror and was desperately trying to cover it up, find someone she did like. I had promised her I would come over, make her a dinner for Mother’s Day, and I would take her to see a movie. I was on my phone with my aunt when I pulled up, snowballing ideas for what to do if things got serious and if we needed to think about placing her on a suicide watch, how that would work. I rang the doorbell; it was outside of the gate she put around the front yard for her dogs to go in the front yard.

No answer.

Rang it again.

Still no answer.

She knew I was coming over.

I opened the gate, went to the door, the door was cracked open, my aunt was on the phone in my ear, “what’s going on?” I opened the door fully and my mom’s dogs came to greet me. The house was in disarray, furniture toppled over, papers scattered across the floor, so many of the details are blurred out of memory, I remember distinctly a ceramic statue broken on the floor but I couldn’t tell you what it was a statue of. I could hear a low intermittent moan coming from farther in the house. I followed it down the hall to my mother’s room, into her bathroom, where she was collapsed, naked, on the floor of her shower.

I told my aunt I had to go, I hung up and dialed 911. In the moment, I didn’t know how panicked I really was, my voice unnaturally high, my body warm and shaking and electric with adrenaline. That feeling hits me again, sometimes, when I don’t expect it. There was white like foam around my mother’s mouth, her eyes stared wide and blank at the ceiling, her every breath was that guttural moan as she attempted to draw air in, an autonomic action, she was completely unresponsive. Her body was on autopilot, and so was mine. I’d been rehearsing for a long time what to do in that situation, it’s the only way I made it through everything that needed to be done. I gave the dispatcher the address, answered her questions, “I think she did something to herself but I don’t know what…no, there’s no pills nearby…no, I don’t see anything in the trash…she’s been severely depressed…she has a history of depression…”, between pleading with my mom, “please don’t leave me, please stay with me, mom,” and wrestling her dogs into the front yard and out of the house. The dispatcher told me the ambulance was on its way and asked if I wanted her to stay on the line and I begged her not to hang up, not to leave me with nothing but the moans of my dying mother, she didn’t say anything during that time, was just silently present as I talked to my mom and waited for the paramedics. They couldn’t come in until I got the dogs out back, I cursed and screamed at the unruly mongrels and felt an irrational anger that my mom never got them properly trained.

I took a seat in the kitchen, let the paramedics work and my brain shut down. I called my aunt back, told her what happened. The paramedics came to ask me questions, I tried to answer them but I didn’t know and my aunt was correcting me over the phone, so I handed her over and let her talk to them. They took my mother away to the hospital and I was alone, in that childhood house, that held so many horrible memories of my mother’s untreated disorder, and every aspect of our lives that it colored and perverted. Every Mother’s Day was always fraught with anxiety, I think it was my mother’s least favorite day, her mood was always sour, and no matter what we gave her or tried to do for her, it wasn’t enough. Even the year before, the Mother’s Day when she told us exactly what to get her. She was so happy with her present, a sterling silver ring with our birthstones imbedded that cost us all a pretty penny – I was paying my own way through college, my older sister was paying rent on a Starbucks salary, and my little sister didn’t have a job – but a week later we were ungrateful brats again. There was one Mother’s Day when I was maybe ten or eleven, we’d set her up roses and two cards – one from my father and one from her daughters. I was watching television and waiting for her to come home from work to wish her a happy Mother’s Day. She came in and years of practice had taught me to recognize she was in a dark mood, a cigarette on her lip, her posture tense, muttering under her breath about how nobody loved her, nobody cared. She stalked to the desk, ripped the cards in half without opening them and threw them on the ground in front of me without sparing me one glance or word, and stormed to her room, slammed the door behind her.

We would later find out that my mother drank antifreeze, a method that has about a 5% survival rate. She was in a coma for about a month. It was another few weeks before they took the respirator tube out and her throat recovered enough that she could talk in small sentences, and not without effort and pain. She told us she filled a cup with the antifreeze, showed us with her fingers set apart how high she’d put it in the glass, when she finished, she washed the cup and stuck it in the dishwasher, hiding the evidence. She’d always heard antifreeze was flavorless but it tasted awful – they add flavoring to antifreeze to deter people from accidentally ingesting it. She’d thought it would be quick, but it’s really an excruciatingly painful and long, drawn out way to die. She’d stripped in her deliria and taken a shower because her body felt so awful, feverish and almost on fire, as it was shutting down and her nerves fried from the chemical reaction. I wrestled for a long time with the ethical delimma of my choices in that moment after finding her, and there was a thought that stuck with me through it all: What did I get my mother for Mother’s Day? I saved her life, and it was still the wrong gift.

It isn’t noble or romantic to stay with someone who refuses to get professional treatment for their mental disorder. There is no amount of love or patience or understanding that will heal them. In most situations, the harder and braver thing to do is walk away. None of us is a perfect person and none of us should have to bear the burden of another person’s unwillingness to get help when they need it. It took me a long time to come to terms with the notion that there is no one to blame in this situation. It isn’t my fault that I can’t give my mother the love she craves. It isn’t my mother’s fault that she can’t see the love that her daughters wanted to give her. But it is her responsibility to get help. If she refuses help, no one can force it on her.

It’s been years now since this happened. My mother is now as recovered as she’ll ever be. Her mind isn’t as sharp, and she struggles with controlling her muscles and the devastating damage to her nervous system that will never fully heal. She remains undiagnosed and is not receiving any kind of professional guidance or treatment. There have been new, dark memories, added to the old ones, in those times when we tried to be supportive and “there for her” during her recovery. Episodes that remind us she doesn’t want to change and she never will. So, we keep our interactions to a minimum, answer when she texts, try to help her when she asks for it, check in every so often. She lives on the other side of the country with two cats and goes regularly to the neighborhood karaoke bar. In a weird way, she seems happier with this set up, this distance between her and all of the pain that my sisters and I seemed to bring her, that constant demand for love that we couldn’t fulfill, maybe it really was all our fault and we were the ones to blame, or maybe it’s because I’m not living with her depression anymore.

I don’t know if I’ll call my mother on Mother’s Day, but for anyone else out there with a complicated relationship with their mother, it’s okay if you decide not to call your mother either.

[paradisobound]

I Want It, I Got It: Chapter 23

Summary: Phil Lester was a worker for the BBC in London. Working in the advertising department, he was content being alongside his friend and fellow coworker PJ during every shift. However, the BBC is temporarily being used as a film set for a new movie staring Hollywood ‘It’ star, Daniel Howell. Being stuck as an extra on the set, Phil finds it’s hard to ignore the famous star. And maybe, just maybe, Dan finds it hard to ignore Phil as well.

Word Count: 2.6k (this chapter)

Warnings: Occasional swearing

Rating: Explicit

Updates will be every Sunday around 1pm EST

**MASTERLIST | READ ON AO3 | WATTPAD**

“I don’t know if I can do this.” 

Phil rubs the inside of his eyes with his fingers and lets out a long, drawn out sigh. 

“It’ll be okay, Phil.” Dan says, his voice gentle on the other end of the line. “I’ve talked with Marianne and she’s working on getting all stories surrounding us pulled from news sites and TV news. I also am working closely with my publicist who is telling me that you shouldn’t post our videos we filmed together on YouTube right now until this all moves on.” 

Phil groans and rubs his hand over his face, tugging at the skin. “Is this going to be a mess?” 

Dan sighs, his voice crackling a bit through the receiver. “Probably a bit but…we’ll get it sorted.” 

“I hope so.” 

“I know that it’s hard right now but just…please don’t go on social media. My publicist wants me to issue a statement so I’m going to but I won’t say anything about us. I promise.” 

Phil’s heart picks up its beating and he feels like he’s going to sick all over the floor. Spike takes note of his sudden tension and climbs onto the couch, fitting into his lap and curling into a ball on his thighs. He reaches down and runs his fingers through his fur, comforting himself. 

“What are you going to say?” Phil asks, feeling his voice crack a bit. 

“I’m just going to ask for privacy and I’m going to ask for the media to basically stop.” 

“Is that going to work?” Phil asks. He can’t help but have doubts. 

“Hopefully.” Dan says. “I know what you feel though…I’m pretty upset by all of this too.” 

“We should have expected it.” Phil says and he’s not sure who he’s even saying it to: Dan or himself. 

“Of course but that doesn’t make it easier.” 

“I know.” 

Dan sighs. “I’m gonna be honest, Phil. I’m not sure what to do.” 

“Me either.” 

“I’ve spoken to every possible person on my side and the only thing we can do at this point is release some statements or try and keep quiet.” 

“I know.” 

“Fuck.” Dan exclaimed, followed by the sound of something heavy falling in the background. “Oh my god!” 

“Dan?” Phil asked, his voice suddenly rising. Spike whimpered on his lap and he ran his hands through his fur to calm him down. “What’s going on?” 

“This is actually unbelievable!” 

“What is?” 

“Phil, I just got word that I’ve been casted as Christopher Robin in a new live-action adaptation of Winnie the Pooh!” 

Phil felt his stomach fall to the ground. He doesn’t know why, but the news of that causes his stomach to knot even more. “That’s amazing!” 

“Phil, I literally―Oh my fucking god, this could not have come at a better timing! I needed something like this today. You have no idea. I auditioned for this role like four months ago and they gave me a call back and I went and I thought I totally fucked my chances but oh my God.” 

“I’m really glad that everything worked out.” Phil says. “I hope it all works out for us too…” 

“We’ll figure this out, Phil.” Dan says, his voice wavering a bit over the speaker. “Together.” 

“Promise?” 

“Promise.” 

“I’m going to draft my statement and then have it be approved by Marianne. I’ll text you when I’m about to post it but if I were you, I’d delete social media for the foreseeable future.” 

Phil nodded his head. 

He said his goodbye’s to Dan not long after. Dan was coming to London soon anyway and hopefully when they’re together, they can get this figured out a bit more than it is right now. Because right now, Phil is feeling like this is going to be a disaster in waiting. 

He’d spoken to his mum about it some more but it didn’t end up helping in the long run when his mum just kept telling him they should hire him someone who can help. Phil didn’t want that. He just wanted the drama to be fixed. He wanted to be left alone but right now, he can’t even go to the park without being noticed. 

In his wildest dreams, he has thought about living a life like this. But for Phil, this life was because he was a famous YouTuber, not a famous movie star. However, after being around Dan for as long as he has, he’s realized pretty quickly he doesn’t want this. 

Phil doesn’t turn the TV back on that night, nor does he even pick up his laptop. He’s running behind on his assignments for the BBC and it’s quite sad for him to feel like he doesn’t even care. He doesn’t care if his assignments are late. He doesn’t care he if even finishes them at all. 

He just wants to be left alone. 

Sometime that night, his doorbell goes off. It scares him half to death but he climbs up from the couch and makes his way over, peering out the peephole. His brother is stood on the other side, holding a large pizza box in his hand. 

Phil opens the door slowly and steps aside so Martyn can come in. “Mum rung me like an other ago. She wanted me to make sure you’re okay so I brought some pizza from Dominos since I know you like to eat that when you’re stressed.” 

Phil feels his lips curl into a smile. “What kind did you get?” 

“Well,” Martyn says, walking past Phil to set the pizza down on his breakfast bar. “Dominos got rid of the sizzler so I ended up just getting pepperoni.” 

Phil opens the box and is immediately salivating over the smell of greasy pizza and plastic cheese. He didn’t even realize he hadn’t ate the entire day until he was suddenly reaching for a slice and nearly inhaling it down in the process. 

“So tell me what’s going on.” Martyn says. “Brother to brother. Friend to friend.” 

“Dan and I officially began our relationship when I was in the US.” Phil says. 

“Oh, that’s brilliant!” 

“Well, yeah, but it’s also not.” Phil says. “Because paparazzi are following us everywhere and we literally cannot go anywhere without be ambushed. Just this afternoon, I was met with a pap in the park with Spike, taking photos of me and yelling after me to tell him about Dan.” 

“What did you say?” Martyn asked, taking a bite of his slice. 

“I didn’t say anything to them.” Phil says. “I just ran off.” 

“Did you tell Dan about it?” Martyn presses. “Mum said she told you to contact him.” 

“I talked to him this afternoon.” 

“And what did Dan say about it?” 

“He’s working with his own team to clear everything up.” Phil says. “But it doesn’t matter because nothing will change.” 

“But isn’t that what you signed up for when you began to pursue Dan?” Martyn pressed. 

“Don’t start acting like mum.” 

“I’m not meaning to.” Martyn paused and Phil looked at his brother. “I just mean that you clearly decided that you wanted to be Dan so isn’t it not all that shocking that all of this is happening? Like, Dan’s name has been the source of headlines all over the world for the past three years.” 

“I know.” Phil says. He set’s down his pizza slice onto his plate and pushes it aside. He doesn’t feel hungry anymore, just sick and a bit greasy. “But Dan isn’t like that.” 

“Like what?” 

“He’s not that typical celebrity figure that everyone thinks he is. He hates being in the tabloids and he actively hides to try and get away. You should have seen how much he panicked even going out to get food. He normally gets his manager to pick him up something instead and bring it to his house. He also wears sunglasses and hoodies in public to try and hide but they always notice him. We went into a restaurant for a few moments and every person was staring at him. It made him so uncomfortable that he left and told me to order his food for him.” Phil feels winded when he’s done speaking. “Do you know what any of what I said means?” 

Martyn nods, but doesn’t say anything right away. 

Phil picks up his slice of pizza and takes another bite, willing himself to keep it down despite his body protesting a bit. Martyn continues to eat in silence as well and the tension in the air is pulled tight like a rubber band about to snap. Spike comes over sometime in the middle of this silence and Phil bends down and hands him a tiny bite of the pizza. 

“You’re really smitten with Dan, aren’t you?” 

Phil looks up at Martyn. “What do you mean?” 

“You seem to know so much about him and care about him more than you’ve cared about anyone else in a while. You’re quick to defend him and to state his story. You’re really gone for him.” 

Phil blushes because everything that Martyn says in true. “I know I am.” 

“Are we going to have a new Lester in the family one day?” 

Phil shrugs and refuses to answer. Martyn lets out a laugh and Phil chuckles as well. The tension in his stomach unknots and he feels a lot better now about everything. He finishes off two more slices of pizza and then he and Martyn watch some anime on his TV. 

***

Dan: I posted the statement

Dan: Marianne checked to make sure I didn’t have any typos 

Phil wakes up to those messages on his phone screen. It takes him a moment to adjust to being awake, grabbing his glasses in the meantime. He puts them on and reads the screen again and feels his heart pick up pace a little bit. 

He sees that Dan sent him a screenshot of his tweet with the statement and he looks it over, reading it carefully. 

“I don’t say this enough but I wanted to make it clear that I would like for my private life to remain private. It is hard to maintain a balance between being in public and also being in my private time. I ask that my privacy be respected in these times and I ask that news stations consult with me before running anything about me or the people I’m associated with. If my private life continues to be a source of news for many people, I will consider taking legal action. Thank you, Daniel” 

Phil doesn’t know what to think reading it over. Should he have a reaction? 

Phil throws his phone to the side. 

He gets up slowly and let’s Spike out for a bathroom break before he takes a shower and get’s ready for work. 

At the BBC, he keeps to himself the entire day. He doesn’t speak even with PJ. He finds it easier to just work on what he needs to and then leave at the time he’s supposed to. 

When he leaves the BBC after work is over, he’s met with paparazzi outside the building. Phil should have known that would happen. He keeps his head low and he fights his way through them until he reaches the other side and makes a beeline for his tube station. 

He stops and picks up food at the Sainsbury’s across the street from his flat and when he gets back to his flat, he lays down on his couch with Spike and cuddles him. His phone has a few messages on it from PJ, his mum, and a few from Dan. But he can’t bring himself up to actually answering any of them. He finds himself in a funk of not wanting to go through all of this. 

Phil opens his laptop up a few hours later. On his screen is a little window saying that his video was done exporting―the assumptions video that he filmed with Dan in LA. Dan told him that his publicist told him not to post the video, but something inside of himself tells him to post it anyway. 

Beside him, his phone begins to vibrate for a phone call and he looks down and sees Dan’s photo pop up the screen. It’s a photo Phil took of Dan in LA, when they were lying in bed one night. He looked so angelic, so peaceful. But yet, the smile on his voice showed happiness like Phil has never seen before. 

He picks up his phone and answers it, putting it on speaker. 

“You haven’t answered me all day,” Dan says, his voice wavering a bit. “Are you okay?” 

Phil pinches the bridge of his nose. “Going to be honest, not really.” 

“I kind of figured,” Dan says. “I’m not either.” Dan pauses and silence fills the room once again. “I just wanted us to be able to have a normal relationship, ya know? Going on dates, having cute little adventures.” 

“We still can.” Phil says, feeling his voice waver and his eyes water. “I want to have all of that with you.” 

“Let’s run away together.” Dan says, his voice light. “Let’s just go off the radar and live together on some remote island.” 

“Honestly, do not tempt me.” 

“We could live in a little beach cottage with Spike and we could grow our own food and live off the land.” Dan continues. “Just you and me, forever.” 

“I love the sound of that.” Phil says, shutting his laptop and turning onto his side.

“Of what?” 

“Just you and me forever.” 

He can almost hear Dan’s smile through the speaker. “One day it will be.” Dan says. “But for right now. We just have to make it past all of this. We just have to keep fighting the tabloids and the paparazzi. You and I can do it. We’ll get past all of this.” 

“I know we will.” 

“Remember what we promised each other when we were in LA?” Dan asks, his voice having gone soft. “We promised that we’d never give up on each other.” 

“I still promise that.” 

“Me too.” Dan agrees. “Which is why I just wanted to remind you that we can do it. We can overcome all of this together.”

“I can’t wait to have you here with me again.” Phil says. “I can’t wait to hold you in my arms and never let you go.” 

“Just two more weeks. Two more weeks and I’ll be here for a film premiere.” 

“I can’t wait that long.” 

“Me either, but we have to.” Dan says, a chuckle ending his words. “I also can’t wait to see Spike.” 

At the mentions of his name, Spike’s head perks up and he lets out a surprised yelp. Phil chuckles and Dan does too. 

They talk for the rest of the night, just him and Dan. They talk about the future, and how they both want to eventually live somewhere secluded in a house with a fence around it. Dan wanted a dog for Spike to play with and they somehow came to the agreement about a Shiba Inu. Before the night was over, they were discussing kids. And although that thought would always scare Phil before, talking with Dan about how many kids they both wanted with oddly comforting. 

When Dan hung up because he needed to get ready for a party, Phil was nearly falling asleep. But he wouldn’t have had his evening any other way. He just has to make it these two more weeks and hopefully everything can get figured out. 

[hoogiehowser]

MEDIA DIARY JANUARY

:::::::::: MOVIES ::::::::::

Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse (2018) I liked this so much I ended up seeing it twice. The animation is on a whole different level from everything else in theaters I just can’t believe it. Nothing has immediately endeared me to a character more that when Miles gets to the place where he’s going to put up graffiti and yells “BROOKLYN!” to get the echo. Absolutely perfect. 

Happy Death Day (2017) The trailer looked good but the trailer for the sequel looked even better. Good time repeating movie. Way better than Blood Punch. I’m excited to see more of this.

Alien: Covenant (2017) Had no clue what to expect going in but I actually dug it. It’s just Alien again like every Alien movie but what they do with David from Prometheus makes it really interesting. There’s also some straight up slasher movie sleaze that definitely appeals to me.

MacGruber (2010) It’s just a bunch of dick jokes while a bad action movie happens. There’s no clever spin to it.

Better Luck Tomorrow (2002) Wanted to watch this due to the Fast & Furious connection. It’s a great movie about overachievers and getting away with shit. I think Justin Lin is a great director and his unique voice benefits every movie he does.

Collateral (2004) I didn’t realize until the credits that this was a Michael Mann movie but it was so obvious in hindsight. The premise is simple, Tom Cruise and Jamie Foxx are great, and everything comes together in a genuinely cool film.

Wilson (2017) Based on a comic I don’t particularly like from Dan Clowes’ grumpy old man phase. The cool thing about the comic is that each page works on its own and has a different art style. The movie can’t do that. But it’s still faithful to the book which means it feels like a series of one page gags strung together until it finishes. Woody and Laura Dern are great though and it is pretty funny at times.

Blumhouse’s Truth or Dare (2018) There was another truth or dare based horror movie a year before that was a Syfy original. The Syfy one is better. The problem with them both is the supernatural contrivances that make people play truth or dare against their will. It’s such a strained premise.

King Arthur: Legend of the Sword (2017) Guy Ritchie made a King Arthur movie and it feels exactly like you’d expect. 

Thoroughbreds (2017) Girl who can’t feel emotions befriends girl who is very politely hiding her extreme emotions. Things get bad when they start to think about murder. Anton Yelchin plays a druggie scumbag loser. It’s such a good movie. 100% my kind of thing.

:::::::::: TV ::::::::::

The Great British Baking Show (Beginnings, Collections 1-4) Got addicted to this one. I love cooking competitions shows and pleasant ones are usually the best. I like seeing competitors that like each other. I like Paul Hollywood and Mary Berry not trying to tear people down. I love Mel and Sue. It’s just a nice show for the nice people.

Toei Spider-Man (Episodes 1-5) I’m not a big toku guy but Spider-Verse got me curious about various Spider-Men. Takuya Yamashiro wasn’t bitten by a radioactive spider, he was injected with blood from the last survivor of Planet Spider and carries out a mission against Professor Monster’s Iron Cross Army to avenge Planet Spider and his own father. Next to nothing present from the classic Lee/Ditko Spider-Man and that’s totally alright. I’m going to try to watch more because the episode where Spider-Man has to donate his blood to hurt child has some serious heart.

The Prisoner (Episodes 7-17) I started watching this a while ago but only now got around to finishing. Mostly super clever plots and the atmosphere is always great. Patrick McGoohan sells it every single time. Some of the later episodes go really off the rails though. There’s an entire wild west episode. Nothing in this stretch tops my favorite episode, The Schizoid Man, where Number Two brainwashes Number Six to act differently and then forces Number Six to pretend to be Number Six while a different man is already pretending to be Number Six. The ending is solid though and carries a really good tv series to a confusing, surreal end.

Cutthroat Kitchen (Season 7, Episodes 1-7) Polar opposite of The Great British Baking Show. It’s the Mario Kart of cooking competition shows. Everyone tries to fuck each other over and Alton laughs at them the entire time. It’s brilliant.

:::::::::: PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING ::::::::::

TJPW Tokyo Joshi Pro ‘19 (January 4) I don’t follow TJPW and don’t know any of their wrestlers besides Meiko Satomura but I watched this because it was on before Wrestle Kingdom. Meiko vs Reika Saiki definitely made the show worth watching and the rest was pretty alright. Lots of fun, new personalities that I like.

NJPW Wrestle Kingdom 13 (January 4) Probably the most I’ve looked forward to a show and it absolutely delivered. For the past few years I’d watch WK and recommended matches but in in July I started following everything NJPW. That added investment made this WK special. Ibushi/Ospreay tore it up and I really hope Ibushi recovers soon. Jay White/Okada shocked me. Naito/Jericho was fucking brutal. And Kenny Omega vs Hiroshi Tanahashi was a match I was so invested in that I thought I was going to cry. If you haven’t checked out New Japan yet this show would make an excellent start. GO ACE!

Impact Homecoming (January 6) Impact has gotten pretty good. I’ve only seen a few of their most recent ppvs but it’s obvious that they have a wealth of talent and they’re willing to tell the kind of dumb stories that I really like. Since Homecoming was in Nashville I went and it was one of the best shows I’ve been to. The energy was insane all night and LAX vs Lucha Bros has to be the best match I’ve seen live. Now that they air on Twitch I’ve been following the weekly show and enjoying it quite a bit.

WWE Royal Rumble (January 27) I always love the rumble but the rumble was weird. Both rumble matches were okay but filled with dumb stuff and way too many recovery spots that were immediately deflated by the person getting eliminated. I like the winners. AJ/Daniel didn’t deliver like I wanted. Sasha and Ronda had a good match. I loved how Finn Balor worked Brock Lesnar’s diverticulitis. Fun show.

NXT UK Takeover Blackpool (January 12) NXT UK doesn’t really grip me aside from the women’s division. I liked this well enough but nothing really changed my mind. Finn Balor made a surprise appearance and he looked like such a star compared to everyone else. Excited to see what WALTER can do here though.

GCW 400 Degreez (January 12) GCW’s brand of hardcore indie nonsense is my absolute favorite. 400 Degreez isn’t the best they’ve done but it was full of disgusting beautiful deathmatch bullshit. Markus Crane vs Nate Webb especially.

NXT Takeover Phoenix (January 26) Takeover always delivers. Johnny Gargano vs Ricochet was definitely the match of the night. I don’t dig the War Raiders schtick but their match was great. Bianca Belair and Shayna Baszler also killed it.

:::::::::: COMICS ::::::::::

One Piece by Eiichiro Oda (Volumes 1-10) I wanted something long to start reading so why not One Piece? Enjoying it so far. I like getting the crew together and Usopp’s story in particular is great. Oda is a master cartoonist. I love every time we get reaction faces.

Spider-Man: Fever by Brendan McCarthy Spider-Man fever got me wanting to revisit Spider-Man: Fever because I remember liking it. I still like it. Doctor Strange accidentally opens a doorway into a spider dimension and Spider-Man gets caught in Doctor Strange’s bathtub and the alternate dimension spiders take him. All this and McCarthy’s art make Fever pretty far out. 

Spider-Man 2099 by Peter David, Kelley Jones, and Rick Leonardi (1-15) Miguel O’Hara wasn’t bitten by a radioactive spider, he had Peter Parker’s DNA put into him by weird future DNA machine and he wages war against the gigantic corporations that control everything. I like Spider-Man 2099. Miguel is so different from the Peter Parker archetype and he’s got claws and fangs. He’s brutal. It’s got a neat post-hero future kind of like Batman Beyond. I stopped reading because the next part is a crossover with Punisher 2099, Ravage 2099, Doom 2099, and X-Men 2099. I’ll hopefully pick it back up because I want to know what happens with the hologram that’s in love with Miguel. 

Spider-Man by Kazumasa Hirai & Ryoichi Ikegami Yu Komori was bitten by a radioactive spider and he definitely wishes he wasn’t. It starts off a lot like our usual Spider-Man but the villains are so much more tragic and Yu deals with some heavy shit. Ikegami’s art evolves from cartoony to serious as the tone of the book changes. He’s a really incredible artist who is consistently pulling neat tricks and trying new things. I really liked this and it may top my favorite Spider-Man comics. It’s just so bleak and unforgiving to poor Yu. By the way, the final plotline is exactly the same as the Sonny Chiba movie Wolf Guy. Turns out the comic that movie was based on was written by the same guy that write Spider-Man. An odd find.

:::::::::: VIDEOGAMES ::::::::::

Axiom Verge Had my eye on this for a long time and finally picked it up on sale on my Switch. It’s okay. There are a lot of clever ideas here that I don’t think work for me. But I do like the decorrupter and the teleport. Some of the movement feels great but some stuff like the grappling hook feels awful. I hate the story. Completely incoherent sci-fi nonsense. But it’s a fun game and I enjoyed my time with it.

Hollow Knight I’ve spent about 30 hours on this game and I feel like I’m close to the end of the story. I absolutely love it. The movement, the combat, and the exploration all feel excellent. I’ve played over ten metroidvanias in the past year (I really like them) and this might be the best. My favorite part about them is how you’re almost never wasting time because there are new secrets to discover all across the map and Hollow Knight does such a good job with that.

[xtremedespair3d]

Happy New Year 2019 - 2018 Review: My Worst Year Yet

The end is near...

The end of the year and almost the end of the decade, we’re going to be at least one year away to enter 2020.

This was a good year, but as the title implies, there were some severe downs, but before I talk about my really long story about my experience with 2018, let’s start this post with the good old top 10s, but this time, I’m finally going to start from 10 to 1 because I’ve been doing the other way around for years and that’s not how it works. Not everything will have comments because I almost have no idea on what to write in some entries and don’t want to make more repetitive and simplistic than some of the entries of each list are.

This is indeed my longest Tumblr post yet, so I hope you enjoy:

Top 10 Best Anime: This list was honestly really difficult to make compared to the others, mainly because I watch a lot of anime and can’t choose which ones I really liked the most except for the final top 3. I would have liked to extend the list to Top 20, but I want to be consistent with the other lists (Sure there are shorter lists but I don’t want to go over 10).

10.- Toji No Miko: I’m highly indifferent with this series overall, the characters, the universe, the world building, etc., at least this was successful enough to spawn a game and now a spin-off series for Winter 2019 (Looks like they could be shorts but who knows), not the biggest franchise in existence but it’s got potential.

Despite my mild interest, my jokes that this looked like Kancolle (Because it features one of the character designers) and Touken Ranbu (just sword wielding) had a baby will live on.

9.- Fate/Extra: Last Encore: Another controversial Fate “adaptation” in recent memory. Yes, I was surprised and yelled like crazy in confusion with the changes from the game on the first episode alone, but despite this series turning tables from the game but still following how things went linearly, it’s not worth the hate or anything.

Some people have called it confusing, which... parts of it were but Last Encore is not worth the hate. It’s not by any means bad, you have to understand that it’s its own thing and what not.

Fate/Extra is probably my only Fate/Type-Moon media I got into before even getting into their anime adaptations, which I’m happy for it.

 8.- Darling in the Franxx: Alright, call me out on this one, but it did nothing wrong!

When it first started, there were mixed feelings for its fan servicey start with naked Zero Two, in the middle of the series, everything seems like it was going fine and I liked where the story was going, but then there was the Bitchigo controversy, it’s probably not the series’ breaking point, but at that point it looks like the hate was carried until the end.

Why do people hate Franxx? As if people were expecting too much on how should the story be or anything.

Trigger and A-1 may or may not sound like an interesting combo, but it looked like it was more A-1 than Trigger. As a Trigger fan (I’m more into their originals, adaptations don’t work for me), I really hope people don’t hate Trigger forever for Franxx, but who’s actually to blame here?

 7.- Steins;Gate 0: This one is a little controversial to add considering there was a lot of hate on it, I don’t get why, if the first season is considered a masterpiece, how could Steins;Gate 0 fail to follow the formula? (I’m an animeonly fag, what do you expect?)

 6.- Zombieland Saga: This one gets a big seal of approval as a birthday gift of mine (it came out on October 4th), and one of the best originals too.

Really hoping for a second season. (Don’t care if it’ll be as shit as Rage of Bahamut: Virgin Soul)

5.- Cells at Work! / Hataraku Saibou: This one wasn’t on my Summer 2018 radar until I saw the first two episodes and I immediately loved it.

Seems like those Osmosis Jones/Ozzy & Drix jokes got to convince me to watch it. (I actually only grew up with the Osmosis Jones movie, I never saw Ozzy & Drix in my entire life ;_;)

4.- My Hero Academia season 3.

3.- Devilman Crybaby.

2.- Pop Team Epic.

1.- Today’s Menu for Emiya Family / Emiya-san Chi no Kyou no Gohan: Another one of Ufotable’s visually departive series (Meaning that they’re different from their usual productions (God Eater also comes into this territory but not as visually different than Himuro no Tenchi and Emiya-san. Sure, Ufotable had different and the common solid color visuals back in the 2000s but nowadays seeing Ufotable taking this direction is amazing).

Since it’s a cooking show, I would definitely love to copy the recipes as told in the show (wonder if they’re good enough to make the food actually taste good), and I also had this tradition with a mutual of mine of watching every episode when they came out monthly (it’s a monthly series).

Honorable mentions:

Yuru Camp

B: The Beginning

A.I.C.O Incarnation

Golden Kamuy

Aggretsuko

Castlevania season 2

Touken Ranbu Hanamaru season 2: Since Winter 2018 feels like a long time, I genuinely forget this existed. 😂

Violet Evergarden

Dagashi Kashi 2

Overlord II, III

The Ryuuou’s Work is Never Done! / Ryuuou no Oshigoto!: I haven’t seen this Day 1, but I binged it a few months later.

Citrus

Lupin the 3rd Part 5

Cardcaptor Sakura Clear Card

FLCL Progressive, FLCL Alternative

Yuuna and the Haunted Hot Springs

Senran Kagura: Shinovi Master Tokyo Youma Hen

SSSS.GRIDMAN

Ace Attorney season 2

Skull-face Bookseller Honda-san / Gaikotsu Shotenin Honda-san

Goblin Slayer

Gakuen Basara

High Score Girl

Top 5 Worst Anime:

Caligula: I always didn’t like the game, haven’t played it myself, but looking at it, the art is unappealing, the characters, the universe, pretty much everything, not even Persona 1 writer Tadashi Satomi would make the game any favors. (That’s mostly on the game, anime may differ but I just don’t care at all.).

Grancrest Senki / Record of Grancrest War: As someone who’s not really into the fantasy genre, but let’s be real, this one’s probably the most boring fantasy anime I’ve ever watched in my life.

Parts of it, like the political drama, was great, but everything else? I felt like I didn’t care at all, well, not always super ignorant, I dunno, it’s just that I wasn’t the biggest fan of this show.

Persona 5: The Animation: This one may be the worst Persona adaptation yet, the pacing was all over the place, animations on the fight scenes are weak, a gratuitous ending to the base series leading up to the special for New Year’s.

What about the surprise the director teased a while before the series began?

P5A was bad, but it wasn’t offensively bad, I’m not mad at it for being bad.

The time when the OVA, Dark Sun has come out, apparently they decided to announce ANOTHER OVA for March 2019 to conclude the story... Seems like there’s no end.

I’ve also been waiting for the surprise the director teased for so long and I don’t think as of the writing of this will ever get paid off.

Junji Ito Collection: At first I was intrigued on how they would capture the Junji Ito horror, but weeks later, as I kept watching it, it was feeling a bit boring, like it feels slow. Then I heard that it’s one of the worst anime of 2018 so far, that’s... actually quite exaggerating, well, it’s bad but it’s not THAT bad.

Tokyo Ghoul:re: Pierrot once again ruined Tokyo Ghoul, no surprise, but maybe even worse. From the obvious rushed story to the lackluster fight scenes, even the first Tokyo Ghoul season had better animated fight scenes.

Top 10 Best Movies:

10.- The Shape of Water: Technically it was 2017 film but it came out in Mexico like in January 12th iirc, I thought it was a good film, I’d need to watch more Guillermo Del Toro films, particularly the Hellboy films now that the reboot is coming out next year. 7.5/10.

9.- The Cloverfield Paradox: Quite optimistic that there’s a new Cloverfield movie since the original (over 10 years) and 10 Cloverfield Lane (2 years ago), but it turns out that it’s quite a flawed movie, It did nothing wrong! 7.5/10.

8.- Aquaman: Definitely my favorite DC film yet (GTFO Wonder Woman with feminism and everyone complaining on the final fight scene with overuse of CG (if it hurt the film that badly, then the film is not worth a 93% on Rotten Tomatoes), I definitely loved the VFX on Atlantis and the final fight with Ocean Master. Speaking of Ocean Master, I love that they animated his helmet eyes a la Deadpool. 8/10 - Rank: A.

7.- Overlord: Whether this would have worked as a Cloverfield movie or not, I love me some World War II zombie film by JJ Abrams. (Speaking of non-Cloverfield film, I would have liked to watch A Quiet Place.) 8.5/10 - Rank: A.

6.- Mission Impossible: Fallout: My first interaction with the Mission Impossible franchise was with the first film when I was at the English school I used to study, I would have liked to watch Rogue Nation when it came out in 2015 but I haven’t developed my habit of absolute moviegoer until 2017, now that they announced Fallout and will have Henry Cavill (with his mustache, the main reason for the Justice League mustachegate), I would not hesitate to see it.

Even if I have only seen the first film, this is already the best Mission Impossible film yet, definitely felt the thrills for the action and it make me like Henry Cavill more, especially the fucking arm reload.

Too bad August Walker died, but I couldn’t help to say “Superman died again but permanently.” Now I’m definitely looking forward for more Mission Impossible films. 9.5/10 - Rank: S+.

5.- My Hero Academia: Two Heroes: Since MHA is so popular, even in Mexico, there was always bound to be quite the mouthful fanboys in my theater, may be the most annoying experience yet but I wasn’t really annoyed as much as the next entries.

Just a heads up, the loud crowd in my cinema don’t really ruin my experience on seeing the movie. 9/10 - Rank: S.

4.- Bungou Stray Dogs: Dead Apple: Our second anime movie experience and the one time we get to see an anime film on the afternoon because with My Hero Academia and Fate/Stay Night: Heaven’s Feel have been on the night.

The best thing about Bungou Stray Dogs: Dead Apple is that it came out exactly on my sister’s birthday, August 25th.

My sister hasn’t seen Bungou Stray Dogs but she didn’t mind and accepted my request to go see it together, and I couldn’t be happier to see it on her birthday.

Not much to add on the loud crowd but the loudest ones were a bunch of fujos fangirling out at this Dazai x Chuuya scene and this part where the Shibusawa fight from the end of the film ended, someone sneezed, another guy replied “bless you” loudly and everyone else laughed. Didn’t ruin my experience, but come on... 9/10 - Rank: S.

3.- Fate/Stay Night: Heaven’s Feel I. Presage Flower: Like The Shape of Water, Heaven’s Feel I was a 2017 film and came out in Mexico in January 2018, but that aside, it was the first film I’ve ever seen in a cinema and seeing anime visuals and animation (especially Ufotable’s) was pure eye candy and it was a dream come true.

This kickstarted our (my older sister and I) hobby of seeing anime movies to the cinema with the previous entriesI (sorry but we won’t allow our mom to watch anime with us, we’d rather have the annoying people in the cinema than hearing her whine about every bloody scene she sees). 9.5/10 - Rank: S+.

The second film, Lost Butterfly, was supposed to come out, but it got delayed until January 12th, damn, so close, so I think I had a perfect chance to watch the first film this year because at the time I didn’t trust much the disributor, Konnichiwa Festival, for bringing anime films I’d like to see the most, or anything from series like My Hero Academia and Bungou Stray Dogs (They also brought A Silent Voice and Your Name).

(For some reason I’ve always been typing “Passage Flower” instead of “Presage Flower”, in what universe have I made that up?)

The fact that the second film comes out on January 12th is almost exactly like about the same time the first film came out on Mexican cinema on the 19th, that’s quite an amazing (or disturbing) coincidence.

2.- Ready Player One: I’ve been optimistic about this movie and heard a couple of good things about the book and its concept, but it was full of controversial hate, but... why?! IT DID NOTHING WRONG! The film did well, whether you’re a bookfag or not, but even some bookfags didn’t like how the film turned out, but who cares? It was still fun. 9.5/10 - Rank: S+.

1.- The Incredibles 2: I’m happy The Incredibles 2 is finally here, continuing the cliffhanger from the first film and everything, my life is complete. 10/10 - Rank: S++.

Top 6 Best Marvel Movies: I always tend to make my normal movie lists a bit Marvel heavy, because they’re all so good, so I decided to make a separate list of their own.

5.- Black Panther: It’s probably a bit more popular than Avengers: Infinity War for its cultural impact and everything, but it was still a good movie, to say the least (I’m probably the more big team-up type than standalone). 8.5/10 - Rank: A.

4.- Ant-Man and the Wasp: It’s still worth watching, but I feel like it’s the least relevant MCU movie of the year, except the quantum realm stuff and... the post-credits scene. My sister and I lowkey laughed our asses off that Hank, Janet and Hope vanished from the snap. 8.5/10 - Rank: A.

3.- Deadpool 2: Worthy sequel, and pretty weird for Fox to release a PG-13 version, Once Upon a Deadpool, just when people were skeptical that Disney with the Fox purchase would PG-13′d Deadpool when Fox themselves are the ones doing it first, but for a good reason...

(I made this image myself)

Well, that too but most importantly... THE X-MEN AND THE FANTASTIC FOUR IN THE MCU!

Speaking of Once Upon a Deadpool, it will come out on Mexico on January 1st but I’ll go see it on the weekend. Anyways, the score for DP2 is: 8.5/10 - Rank: A.

2.- Venom: The best movie birthday gift I’ve gotten, AND IT’S NOT TRASH, OKAY?! I’ve seen plenty of fan arts and they make up for the fact the film is trash, and it also represents people just simply like shipping Eddie Brock and Venom. 9.5/10 - Rank: S+. (Want to fight me about the score?)

1-B.- Avengers: Infinity War:  YES! Infinity War is everything I wanted! I love the film to death, and I’d really love to own the Blu-Ray like I do with Civil War. Too bad THERE HAS TO BE SOME PEOPLE WHO DISLIKED THE FILM!

Some people complained about the plot structure for being hard to follow, some for the CG, and some simply because they were like “ehhh, I didn’t like it.”, BUT..... RRRRRRRGGGGGGGNNNNNNNHHHHHHHHHH!!! 👀💢 

IT’S A BIG MOVIE, THE ENDING MAY HAVE BEEN SHOCKING BUT IT WAS MEME-TASTIC AND EVERYTHING, IT’S SILLY FOR HATE TO EXIST ESPECIALLY WHETHER FROM CASUAL MARVEL VIEWERS AND SUCH.

THE PEOPLE WHO DIDN’T LIKE THE FILM, THEY DESERVE TO BE SNAPPED BY THANOS. QUE SE VAYAN A LA CHIN--

Alright, enough rambling, I loved the movie, I was definitely shocked by the ending (It’s not a bad ending that would ruin the film, don’t even dare to say that, please), but it’s a good set up for Avengers: Endgame. 9.5/10 - Rank: S+.

But... I gotta admit that it was my #1-A movie of the year, but there’s one movie that absolutely dethroned Infinity War...

1-A.- Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse: This film... THIS FILM, THOUGH, this is legit the best Spider-Man movie ever, with really awesome animation style, reminiscent of a comic book, the best easter eggs and everything.

Also, at the Stan Lee parts, from his cameo to his quote and a thanks to him and Steve Ditko, I legit cried at thiose parts for a small bit. I don’t even want to think about it. 😭

Some random notes before even seeing the film include buying a lot of the promotional items from my cinema (pictured)...

Out of all these items, I got...

...This cup when my older sister and I went to see My Hero Academia: Two Heroes on November 30th.

I did not hesitate to buy a keychain, let alone TWO (one for me and another one for my sister), there was a different keychain, the one with just Miles but I prefer the Spider symbol because I love symbols.

This popcorn bucket. I had a Spider-Man 3 plastic bucket, but it seems like I can’t find it somewhere in my house, sadly. But at least we needed a new bucket.

Along with the bucket, I also bought this cup (which I forgot about to take a photo of it and took it at home as you can see here).

So I got two of the three cups pictured way above, I also wanted to buy one of the wristbands but my family wouldn’t let me and it was too much to buy, they even told me I wouldn’t even wear them all the time. Oh well, at least I’m satisfied with the keychains, the cups and the bucket.

Happy to hear that there’s a female spin-off in the works, so my body is definitely ready to see more of the Spider-Verse with animation this beautiful. 100/10 - Rank: S++. Sorry Avengers: Infinity War but GTFO, Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse has easily won my heart and it’s my #1 movie, not just for this list, it’s my definitive #1 movie of 2018!  👑 (Yes, I know I put The Incredibles 2 on the other list, consider it as #1-C)

Since it came out on Mexico on December 25th, it’s the best Christmas gift I’ve ever had in my entire life. (next to my new Huawei Mate 10 Lite, I needed a new phone really bad)

There’s an all-female spin-off in the works, so my body is definitely ready to watch more Spider-Verse related films with this beautiful animation (if there could be a different visual style than Spider-Verse, I’m probably fine with it, but it seems unlikely to happen (please don’t, the visual style from Spider-Verse looks damn fresh to change))

I’m still in awe from what I just saw...

I really need the Blu-Ray to come out faster like Venom did two months after it came out theatrically so I can own it and watch it a billion times! PRONTO!!!

(Also, to any critics or haters, get the fuck out of my sight, please)

Top 10 Best Movies (Definitive): I may have mixed things up by making two separate lists, one for Marvel and another one for movie, so I had to make a PROPER list of my movies of the year to avoid inconsistency.

10.- The Shape of Water

9.- The Cloverfield Paradox

8.- Overlord

7.- Mission Impossible: Fallout

6.- Aquaman

5.- Fate/Stay Night: Heaven’s Feel I. Presage Flower

4.- Ready Player One

3.- The Incredibles 2

2.- Avengers: Infinity War

1.- Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse

Top 10 Best Games:

NOTE: I honestly don’t like making the best/worst games lists because it’s all based on “experience” and there are so many games released every year and I don’t have the money to buy every single one, and most important of all, I have neither a PS4 and a Switch, nor a powerful PC. I still make this list anyways because I like acknowledging some of the games I’m the most interested for their existence, I still wish I can play them, but they’re there. Enjoy the following entries:

11.- Fate/Extella Link.

10.- Valkyria Chronicles 4.

9.- BlazBlue Cross Tag Battle.

8.- Soul Calibur VI: I’m not really much into Soul Calibur but VI has picked my interest mainly because of the character customization and every tweet I’ve seen of it, and 2B.

7.- Persona 3: Dancing in Moonlight / Persona 5: Dancing in Starlight: At first I wasn’t really fond on the idea of Persona dancing games since Persona 4: Dancing All Night, but when both P3D and P5D were announced, I redeemed myself on the concept.

6.- Super Smash Bros. Ultimate.

5.- Girls’ Frontline (English and Japanese versions): My only disadvantage with the EN version is the censorship and that really bothers me so bad. I hate the topic of censorship in general. Too bad I haven’t been playing a lot of it lately, and I feel bad for it, haven’t even picked it up back with my new phone... But I can still appreciate the cosplays and fan arts.

4.- Dragalia Lost: I played it for like a week but I stopped because I ran out of space in my phone. This is my biggest problem with Nintendo mobile games, they’re always constantly asking for mobile data and they’re space consuming. It has potential to become Cygames’ next big franchise, though.

3.- Deltarune: Haven’t played Undertale myself and this was an excuse to get myself into it, even if it’s some sort of an alternate universe or whatever the many people who played it just experienced. And the game is free to play, so there’s nothing about money to worry about.

2.- Persona Q2: New Cinema Labyrinth.

1.- Spider-Man PS4.

Yes, I included two gacha games. What? You don’t think gacha games are “games” and instead they’re just money making machines? I can tell you’re making fun of my decision, and it’s true, but they have rights to be games whether you decide to spend your money or not. I don’t have much time to rant about gacha games and stuff, so let’s move on.

Honorable mention:

Detroit: Become Human: Call me out on this one because I gotta talk about this game.

Sure, David Cage may be a divisive developer among the gaming community but there’s something about Detroit that I’m hearing praise from the media and other YouTubers and then there are my “friends” who definitely hate him and his games.

This is one of those cases where I really can’t even bother to choose a side. (but I’d definitely be one of those who do like Detroit, I mean, the fan arts of Connor and his actor himself can make up for it, besides, I still got my copy of Heavy Rain)

Worst Games of the Year:

I mentioned that I don’t have the consoles to play most games, there are games that are so bad even to look at that are exceptions for me to play:

4.- Radical Heights

3.- Fallout 76

2.- The Quiet Man

1.- Metal Gear Survive

Everything mentioned this list are 0/10 - Rank: E-.

Artists Of The Year:

Ogata Tei: Finding this artist was like fate. I first found Ogata on Pixiv with this illustration on December 2017, and at first it was like any other artist I follow, I have to check their gallery and if it’s good enough, they deserve a follow, but when they started doing the Childhood Friend series (pictured below), I feel like my life has changed.

For safety reasons, I tend use Chapter 0 as a better way to show everyone the start of the Childhood Friend series without using the very first tweet, because... I don’t know what to make out of it, it’s not too graphic, but take a look for yourself. It is chapter 0 after all.)

The moment the reservations of the doujinshi went live in June, I did not hesitate to ask my older sister to buy it for me and finally received it on December 6th (technically it should have been on the 5th because the mailman came home but my mom wasn’t there to sign the package, but we do not talk about that part of that day ever again. The reason why is that the mailman thought I looked too young to get and sign a package (I hate my genes)... That is until Ogata decided to open reservations for the sequel the moment I got the doujin ), it was a long wait but it was worth it... That is until Ogata decided to open reservations for the sequel for C95 the moment I got the doujin, worst timing ever.

To be honest, this series is the only thing that makes me happy, ever, everything else I love is always being ruined by assholes and their heartbreaking traumatizing opposing opinions. Thankfully there’s no hate in this.

This series is very dear to me, I really hope it keeps going because I occasionally get scared for the series to end and I’d be forever sad if it does (I’ll eventually move on but my heart won’t change).

Maybe the saddest thing about the series is that I’m the only one who makes fan arts and a Custom Cast/Custom Order Maid 3D2 recreation of the Childhood Friend character. It’s a good thing that I show my pride for the character and all, but it’s only me and I can’t be the only one with that pride, I’d love to see other people do shit, even some of the artists I follow that are friends with Ogata.

Souryu: Not the first thing (have seen a bit of his pictures on Pixiv before), but I was brought to this artist more with this web series I also love to death. (NSFW)

I’m also happy to see his manga, Machimaho, has an English release now.

Sakiyamama: The list was originally going to be just Ogata but I wanted to include Sakiyamama because not only his recent bunny pictures (as of the writing of this post) are really really good, he’s actually a really fun person to talk with and he’s gained my respect more than I already have. MAX!

(Would Sakiyamama be a good candidate to make a cover for my novel? Maybe, maybe not...)

Song Of The Year:

Casey Edwards - Devil Trigger: Even for a 2019 game like Devil May Cry 5, Devil Trigger just rocks. Now, when DMC5 comes out, we all can’t wait to pull our devil trigger.

The following part is my really long review of 2018, if you don’t care about what happened to my life in the year and my personal problems, you can skip to the very end until you find the following sentence: “You’ve reached the end of my long review of my 2018 experience.“

Now, let’s talk about why did I consider 2018 the worst year yet. Everything continues with the same problems as last year and some new ones that are even worse. This year was full of disappointments and few ups which either matter or get ruined.

Starting with what’s essentially the most horrifying experience I’ve ever been in my life and it’s all got to do with my older sister. First off, on February, we were hanging out with my aunt on a shopping mall, we were eating ice cream and for some reason, my sister and my mom were arguing and something made my older sister rage quit the plaza we were. We slowly followed her where she was going, later we returned to our house, my sister later came back home and everything went normal.

Then, comes the worst of her moments yet, two months later, everything was going fine on home, until I heard my mom calling me and I started hearing my sister’s very creepy yelling, my mom was holding her on the floor and she ordered me to call my aunt and ran to go buy medicines, my aunt came home to hold my sister down with my mom to give her the pills I had to bought, etc. A lot has happened in that afternoon. Even my mom has called the cops.

A few hours have passed, the cops came home just for a talk about the situation, and I guess that’s about all I witnessed because I didn’t do nor payed attention much on there other than shaking a cop’s hand.

I really wish I shouldn’t discuss about this on a wide public like the internet considering that my mom told me I shouldn’t tell this to anyone... “ANYONE”. Not even my BFF classmate on WhatsApp (at the time when I was at school), not even on Twitter nor Discord, which I talked about what was happening at the very moment and that made me feel like a genuine social media addict, tweeting and telling my (not-so) friends on Discord as if social media has become my life journal or something.

As for what I told on my classmate, I told him afterwards that I shouldn’t have told him about what happened with my older sister when my mom told me not to tell about this to anyone, at least he kept the secret.

Speaking of school, the situation that we went through, my mom decided I wouldn’t go to school for a week.

I think at the moment the cops came to our home, I heard that my sister has depression, and with that, my sister eventually started going to the psychologist.

Then on October 15th, it happened again, except that my mom straight up sent me to my aunt’s house to sleep there for tonight because my sister was going crazy again, hopefully I didn’t get to witness her meltdown... Except the next day, early in the morning, when I arrived home on taxi, I saw my sister’s right arm with blood and a few hours later, her arm is full of scars, ouch. (Her arm is probably healed by now because I don’t see the scars lately).

Aside with all of my sister’s creepy anthics, I’ve had a few share of problems, mainly at school.

The problem is that I harmed two girl classmates in different occassions, I know I wouldn’t hurt women and I normally wouldn’t be the type to hurt women, but Mexican schoolgirls are just the worst. One instance was that I was being yelled at because I wasn’t into the teamwork enough and hadn’t done anything and I just went all out, I was gonna choke and even bite her neck off. The other one was where I was gonna slap a chubby one but I slapped another girl next to her unintentionally and we were arguing about it.

After a while I forgot about it but now I dare to bring these school memories again...

Anyways, I think that’s the end of the stories of my older sister’s madness, even I get flashbacks of those moments and I everytime I typed everything down, my head always twitched, and done with my brief stories about my problems at school.

You may have already gotten sympathy for what I’ve been through, but it seems like I’m about to ruin the moment.

Now, let’s move on with my problem with personal opinions, again. Yes, I know you may be sick of me talking about this topic over and over, but trust me, I’ve been given enough tips and some of the same ones, so let me give one last rant so I can get my last laugh on my friends, this may be like a rewritten version of this post I made last year (make sure to read it before reading this, if you like), but this one features recent events and a better conclusion. Time to end this by going all out. Enjoy.

My 2018 in a nutshell.

Where do I begin? This entire year was still through my usual problems with my obsession with personal opinions, but I can’t tell if it’s equally bad or worse than what I went through with 2017. I think it’s the latter because it all comes with the “Franxxgate” (That’s how I dub the hate around Darling in the Franxx as a whole) and it’s probably one of my few breaking points this year.

Pretty much every anime “gate”, from the Apocryphagate from 2017, to 2018′s Franxxgate and even FLCLgate from a group of friends lead by a certain person with a P on their name I interact with (while there’s the opposing side of the fandom where Toonami-fags still love watching FLCL), completely breaks me. (Everything needs a “-gate”, okay?)

With that being said, in late September, I jumped to the conclusion that anime in general has become my most sensitive topic yet, and I wish I wouldn’t talk about anime with anyone, and I also declared to fuck anime as a whole. I mean, let’s be real, what’s even the real point for anime adaptations to exist? For the money? (I’m using this excuse to every industry or even art itself), Most adaptations don’t even work, and they don’t get fans or something.

If you’re really THAT badly disappointed by these shows or anything else in general, the first thing that comes to your mind is deleting them, right? but before you do that, you should at least consider what would you do to rewrite those shows, like, how would you make them good? If you’re a heartless cunt without any soft spot for the creators and intentions (unless they really make some outrageous shit), then delete is indeed your only option.

I’ve always seen these sorts of situations as “Aw, the performances and the music (and occasionally the well written characters) are so good but the overall story SUCKS.”

Also, if I answer what do you like and you come up with “good”, don’t come up with such bullshit at my face, it’s impossible for anything to be “good”, define “good”. I don’t want subjective answers, try to give something more detailed.

Anime aside, let me talk about how people criticize in general, based on experience.

I just never understood how there are people who are fans of something but dare to say some flaws despite saying that they like it, that it’s great, etc. That’s fucking ironic and downright stupid!

For example, there’s a guy who likes, uh... Game X, but they find like a couple of problems, but they still think they like it and what not, fucking ironic.

(I probably would like to use Persona 5 as a proper example instead of “Game X”, but it’s too much of an offensive example for me to use, to be honest...)

I saw this tweet that says “It’s okay to criticize things you love.”, and while it’s true, and there are times I criticize things I love, for example, the MCU for lack of crossovers between the TV shows and the movies (probably my biggest problem would be the Marvel Netflix shows, they still reference the Avengers, I see no relevance for their existence), but most of the time, I never give a fuck about the flaws from everything I love.

One of my friends replied me that it is and proceeds to talk about his “tough love” for Dragon’s Dogma. Keyword: Tough love, this is one of those words I’ve honestly haven’t heard in a long time, but applying it here is not something I asked for, I just don’t have tough love for everything, I’ve mostly never been the type to spot flaws and criticize them, I’m the type of person who blindly praises or hates anything, without having to explain in detail what I like or hate (occasionally), I’m never going to be a critic like you, I’ve always been a blind fanboy and will continue to be, whether you like it or not.

Speaking of critics, I never liked people who are still being critics, they could bring fair points but at the same time what they say it’s always clichéd, they throw words like “predictable”, “clichéd” and stuff like that.First of all, I can’t even tell what’s predictable, well, there are times that I know what’s going to happen next, but I actually have fun guessing rather than criticizing, it’s actually good for me, same goes for clichéd, I have no idea what are people even talking about when they say “clichéd”. Sure, people may use tired tropes, whether for seriousness or satirical purposes, it all depends on the execution, for the better or for worse. If you’re looking for some form of art that’s not predicatble, that’s not clichéd and everything, it’s impossible to find one because every single creator makes the same mistake of making their series with, you guessed it, tired tropes. Hell, I may even do the same mistake too, because why the fuck not? Whether for seriousness or for satirical purposes.

(I always have the guilty pleassure for everyone to hate me mainly because I’m a blind fanboy and accuse everyone and calling them supremacists or something. I saw this Comicbookcast2 video a long time ago titled “FUCK BLIND FANBOYS” or something. The video has been deleted, and when I saw it, it was offensive for me, but I actually want to watch it again. Sorry for being political at the supremacy part, but that’s how I always feel. Speaking of supremacy, despite my anger at everyone’s opinions, I’m never right and don’t have the power to change their minds, fucking weak-ass knucklehead me.)

The point is, there’s a game/show/movie that you’ve been excited for it for so long, and in general it turned out to be a really great product, you try it yourself, you think that it’s really good but then you come out and explain that there are some severe flaws and everything else to criticize either some aspects or the entire product, do the flaws really ruin your hype? Does it ruin how you wanted it to be? Pathetic.

Okay okay, I know I know, I get that nothing is “perfect”, I get that a lot, but if you want to be like a true fan about a particular product or even a franchise, without all of the ranking from best to worst and vice versa type, don’t give a shit about their flaws, just ignore them, just enjoy everything that’s going on, that’s my definition of a true fan. That’s my motto I’ve been following for a long time. But alas, this definition of “fan” is dead, and the meaning has never been this way.

Well, there are times that I even say the same things, I can detect some flaws too, but most of the time, there are things that I care about in my life that I tend to ignore their flaws all the time. I can’t criticize, I can’t hate some aspects, I almost just don’t know how to do these things.

There are times that people tell their opinions as if they’re facts. There’s that same dude who told me about tough love, he started that sentence with “It is.”, he also told me those same words a few times. But still, I don’t fucking care if something is trash, I don’t care if even if it’s your opinion or if it’s an actual fact, don’t try to brainwash me or even anyone with your bullshit!

It’s like people don’t know how to enjoy things anymore, well, it’s always been this way but I’ve never been this deep with this level of hypocrisy, cynicism and intransigence. With people not appreciating art sometimes, I can even go far to think that Art is Dead. (I’d write a blog post about it but I mainly would love to write a book about it and point out every single types of criticisms I can gather from experience and memory)

This isn’t about toxicity, SJWs or anything, some of them must be intellectual people who think they’re “right” on what’s bad, it’s bad.

My biggest problem is that I ALWAYS happen to start a topic and let everyone bring their worst opinions possible, I always takes opinions by heart and I always go compusively defensive about everything and try to justify what happened while having a “Oh, I get how the creators feel about this, I feel connected” kind of mindset or something.

I just happened to be sensitive about everything, even the slightest negative word, once I hear words like “okay”, “bland”, and everything else, I lose brain cells, always.

Even WORSE is that I′m friends with some people with the worst opinions possible. (Probably would like to call them out here, publicly on Tumblr, but nah, whoever reads, I’ll tell them.). Talking with these people has been my largest waste of time I’ve ever had. I’m sick of talking to you, you disappoint me.

Everything I’m saying is pretty much beyond autism, bipolar or multiple personality disorder material, I’m genuinely like some criticism censorship madman, please, accept it.

Everyone always told me “it’s just their opinion” and everything but it’s the same thing when I got bullied, everyone always told me “Just ignore them.” and ignorance was never in my motto, I just want everyone to stop. I also get told a lot that I need to tolerate and respect them, I kind of do that but at the same time I always get headaches, like my brain is always going to explode, I’m always trying to resist the pain like this. (This video also depicts my procrastination on writing my novel). Even if I were to ignore their opinions, their words are stuck in my head and can’t stop thinking about them, it’s like I’m a magnet, like I’m traumatized by your words.

This is also going to affect my life as an author, sometimes I’d definitely consider taking feedback on plot points, characters and writing mistakes, but when I get comments like either my works or what I’m doing in the future flat out suck, things could get complicated.

I could rant about how “creative freedom” is dead, from trying really hard at complex narrative and “original” ideas to even sexual content, by always being ruined by negativity and I almost don’t believe criticism can’t help but it’ll be for another post, if I actually can depending on my mood.

Suddenly, on September 18th, I found a video talking about the personal opinions by SrPelo, not only it was really hilarious, it actually depicts pretty much everything that’s wrong with me.

(There are English and Spanish versions of this video, but I recommend the Spanish version, it’s funnier. There are English captions, though.)

But has the video taught me anything? Kind of, I got some of the points but eventually I’m still defensive.

Going back to the topic of fanboy-ism (Not fandom, it’s a specific thing), what happened to the passionate people and their rage when I say something like “I’m not into Franchise X.”, “I don’t care about it.” or anything? Why won’t YOU be mad at me when I say such things or some worse shit? Actually, that doesn’t matter, because that’s into toxic territory, you do have a sense of “I don’t have a problem with people enjoying what they like.” instead of “Why do you have to enjoy it? Don’t.”, at least you do have some mental stability unlike me.

Okay, this has been really convoluted, I ran out of ideas and it feels like it’s getting nowhere that I lost you, so let me jump to the conclusions:

PLOT TWIST! PLOT TWIST!

It’s time to confess that nothing in life convinces me anymore, there’s a lot of things I see and when I finish, I always say “I liked it”/”it was good”, but in reality, I feel nothing, NOTHING. I can’t simply say “It was okay” nor even “I didn’t like it.”, I just feel neutral about everything, I’m indifferent and shit.

When I see new things I might get into, I experience it, some say that it’s bad and stuff like that, I’m always neutral in the end yet unnecessarily defensive, well, I am defensive for their existence in “art”. I’m just someone who always defends art by thinking that every creator put their efforts into. (Of course, it doesn’t mean “every single” creator in existence, there are some who are absolute assholes.)

There are things that seem new to me, sometimes I got high hopes to like them when I experience them but at the same time I’m kind of neutral about it, I probably don’t have that much high hopes to become part of my life compared to my existing interests, if there’s something really interesting from something I really care about my life but some may be getting hate from it, I get really triggered. I don’t get disappointed in most things, sometimes I can’t really tell if I actually like them or hate them.

There are also things that normally aren’t part of my life, or stuff I don’t care but may intrigue me someday or in a different Earth, yet I’m gratuitously defensive on their place in art.

What have I been gaining from all of this? Power for being right myself and be capable of shut your mouths off. But, like I stated, it’s not like I could brainwash everyone with my own words based on experience of offending people sometimes.

I’ve had this sort of existential crisis for 2 years and I don’t think I’m ever gonna stop, no matter how many times people tell me to stop.

Before I go detailed with my resolution, let me say this: Either people should say something that don’t (indirectly) piss me off or should I not take their words by heart ever again.

(Crowd yelling at me for what I just said)

Okay, it’s a little weird but it’s true.

I’ll make a list of my worst features that you still may or may not interact with me ever again at a later time too, if I feel like it, but in conclusion, let me say this:

I’m a self-centered person who refuses to listen to anyone’s opinions on certain things (or pretty much everything) and refuses to accept the reality, the facts, and has a distrust agenda (or I claim to say that because I still trust some people), doesn’t have identity of his own and relies on others, doesn’t feel bias and can’t share the same logic, thought-process or even common sense (?) than you have. I just want to have my own opinions, my beliefs and everything but I’m feeling like I’m surrounded by opposites.

But even if I hear a different group with one unanimous opinions and another one with an opposing unanimous opinions, I can’t choose sides nor I would like to do so. And I’ve never been on your side nor would like to be in it. (This goes back to my brief discussion on Detroit: Become Human).

Let me tell you something: When you have a conversation with a friend you respect the most but comes up with opposing opinions, that they don’t like aspects of them, etc., your first instinct would be respectfully disagree and talk it out, but that aside... do you know how it feels like?! I’ve been through that pain a lot! And not a single time I could learn to get a grip on such conversations!... At least the one thing I can do is boycotting conversations where opinions and criticims get out of hand for my views.

Let me give you a life lesson: You should have a digree of distrust, everytime you ask one person that they should try X and they give their own opinion, you don’t need to buy it 100%. You have to learn to investigate things yourself, and when you see the general reception for the X you’re seeing, you should be unsure and should check X out yourself. When you hear different sources saying different things, you shouldn’t trust any of them and investigate yourself, that’s the basics of my life experience.

I may sound like I’m manipulative, like I want people to be exactly like me or that I want to meet new people like me, basically forming a legion with similar mindset or something, I can confirm and deny on wanting to achieve such goal. It’s really strange that I can say yes and no to something I don’t really think about.

The thing is, I’m just loyal to art, attached to everything, well, not 100%, there are things that do look like trash trash, when there are things look good but people say they’re trash, I’ll never forgive them, depending on their attitude based on experience, I’m never gonna forgive anyone.

Also, (this next part may go into artist (as in illustrator) territory, but still), let me tell you this: I HATE criticizing artists! I’m not the type of person to mock or downright criticize anything they do! Well, I do have rights to express mixed feelings about some things they post online which I don’t feel convinced from a previous picture I was heavily invested or something, but I can’t say those mixed feelings in front of their faces and I should reconsider! I have absolute pride for artists no matter what they do. And if you dare to make fun of them, comically or not, you can shove it.

I’m not always supportive of “every” single creator out there, there are some who are scumbags or corporate bullshit.

I’m also optimistic, unlike you. Not at everything, but there are things that sound intersting, but too bad there has to be some haters. I know I’d have to adjust my eyes to take a proper look but there has to be some sort of potential somewhere.

You think you’re critics? On a Gordon Ramsay/Master Chef kind of scale? I’ll tell you what, try to put on a creator’s shoes, or try to imagine a different Earth where you’re an artist (illustrator, writer, etc.), even if you tend to criticize others, and when you create something, I won’t hesitate to Gordon Ramsay you’re ass off.

Whenever you bring negative comments from something good, I always, ALWAYS, want to counter your opinions very offensively like this, but sadly I can’t, but I think it’s fine because I am scared of getting blocked or banned from a Discord sever. (Discord has ruined my life lol)

But alas, with all of the bias people show, mainly negative from something I find interesting, seeing this happening everyday and telling right at my face, I happened to become a broken person now, no thanks to you, yes, as ridiculous as it sounds, even indirectly.

I’ve had this thing with personal opinions and trying to bear them up my ass. I’m just tired, I’m sick of everything. Either everyone needs to stop or better, I should stop because I’m always the one to start causing trouble by a disagreement.

One way I would like to stop what’s happening to me is to break up with the people I talk with (mainly Discord severs because they’re the worst), or even better,  retire from the internet for good, but I don’t think I’d have the ability to do that. Perhaps the only way is just to have some more mental stability myself, to learn to actually calm myself.

People have even told me to take a break from the internet but I just can’t, there’s lots of good things I don’t want to miss.

Here’s my final strike to end this long rant to relieve my 2 year long stress once and for all (hopefully):

You all must be good at parties.

At last, that’s the end of my life experiences, sorry to make you read through that pain that was my emotional ride you wouldn’t even care because, while it starts creepy at first, later it just fell apart with my obsession with opinions, let’s move on to some other negatives from 2018 in general and let’s go with the ups.

There’s no shortage of celebrity deaths and yet it managed to be worse than 2016, the one death that got me hard was Stan Lee. That instantly made 2018 much worse than it already is.

Without Stan Lee, there’s not gonna be any more Marvel movie cameos and I wished I could meet him in person one day, now my dream is dead.

Stefan Karl, Stephen Hillenburg, even the youngest musicians, many more.

With Stan Lee and Stephen Hillenburg both passed away in November, it reminded me of Roberto Gómez Bolaños, better known as Chespirito, which he passed away in November 28th 2014, that made me think that November is a cursed month.

This shit is really sad.

Now that we’re done talking with the negative, let’s talk about the positives, sorry it took so long with the negative, but here we are to change the mood.

The best thing that has happened in my life that I can think of is that I get to travel for the first time, I traveled to Irapuato, Guanajuato to meet my uncles (relatives to my dad), and the place itself was great. We stayed with my uncles’ for a week, the week of E3.

When we first arrived, the weather was cold, even at summer, there was a really nice shopping mall and it had a restaurant with genuine ramen we ate, everything was great.

The worst part of the trip, and by sleeping at my uncles’ house was that my body was always itchy and I couldn’t stop scratching and always put mosquito repellent.

Another best moment of my life, well, it may sound dickish that I did it, but I didn’t get to go to study to a new school after I ended preparatory school. Mainly because I wasn’t entirely sure what to study, I needed a break from my underwhelming experience at the prepa and because my mom wouldn’t pay us, my older sister and I, both schools for like hundreds of thousands of pesos.

Next year I’m gonna start studying plastic arts, maybe I’d like to learn more about drawing than my current skills, I just want to improve but at the same time, to be honest, I don’t really feel motivated to study art at all, mainly because I want to focus on outlining and writing my novel for real.

There are minor complaints I had this year and it’s got something to do with the TV side. Right at the end of watching every show from Agents of SHIELD to Westworld, I’ve been a little burnt out on watching TV shows, so after Legion and Westworld ended, I wasn’t feeling like watching TV anymore, not even the Marvel Netflix shows (let’s be real, they’re all super boring anyways, they even put me to sleep; but I feel bad for some of them being cancelled, though.).

Despite my lost interest on watching TV now, I’m still going to watch Agents of SHIELD and The Blacklist when their seasons 6 come out.

You’ve reached the end of my long review of my 2018 experience.

FINALLY!

Let’s finally talk about my resolutions and we can end this year once and for all!

Some of the resolutions are like last year’s and some may be new but I hope, I REALLY HOPE, to achieve them, and after that, we can finally talk about what I’m looking forward the most in 2019!

Resolutions: I may have fulfilled like at least one of the resolutions I made last year, well... half of it, and it’s going to the gym, because, I really need to get in shape before I turn 20. I’m not fat, it’s just I got the belly. I gave up on the swimming part because I wasn’t interested and motivated, especially at this weather right now.

Anyways, that gym talk aside, I really haven’t fulfilled my resolutions at all, the worst offender being my resolution of writing my novel because I had a year long writer’s block (yep, that long). As for the “try not to be a jerk”, from what you read from my long rant, I hope that should be the last time.

Let me rephrase my resolutions and then add some new ones, I really hope I could have the mental energy and the will to fulfill them all.

If I can’t fulfill at least one, most or even all of the resolutions, I’m pretty much fucked.

Write my novel for real: I’ve been wanting to write my novel this entire year but I’ve made little to no progress at all, I was struggling on finding a way on what kind of story I would make, but my bigger problems were that I was focusing on wanting to make a pen name for myself use that to start my social media accounts and everything, I did it but I felt like I wasted it. I may give up on the pen name idea and use my real name, unless my family or anyone else would find a perfect pen name for me and hold off until I get my novel written halfway.

I also need money ready, have a PayPal and a Patreon, the money to pay for stuff like cover artist, domains for my website, ec. I’m still waiting to get my hands on a credit card so I could make money because I haven’t gotten any.

I didn’t enter to a new school right now so I could have had the time to write my novel, but I just wasted that opportunity.

I also got this fear that I may run into identity problems or something, when it comes to my edgy shitposter self and my author self, I don’t want to run in the same problem James Gunn did, I want to become separate entities (that sounds like some sort of multiple personality disorder like I lowkey have (not really)).

Even worse is that I had at least one person who I’ve been talking and talking about my dream project, the characters, headcanon-ing(?) random events and everything for YEARS. I also had different people who I talked about the project, but not as much as that one person who I’ve been doing it for a long time. I would ask the people I explained about my project and everything for a while to forget about it, but it seems like it’s such a harsh request, maybe keep everything I said a secret would be better. Speaking of which, that’s why I tend to be secretive about what I want to do and everything lately, this goes full circle to the previous paragraph about identity. The one person also went far commissioning art of my characters, while I was honored for that, I feel like it’s a little too soon... Well, if it’s like a normal artist commissioning OCs and stuff like that, it’s fine, but the problem is that I’m making OCs with the sole purpose of them existing into a real novel and everything, and it could be dangerous.

I got lots of ambitious goals and ideas and I can’t really explain everything, I’d love to handle everything by myself, I can find my own innovative ways to market my novel and everything.

One thing I can say about what I want with my novel is pretty simple:

I need my stories to exist: Commissioned fan arts of my characters aside, I want my stories to exist for real, I just can’t leave my dream universe to collect cellular dust and simply use my imagination, occasionally draw those ideas, etc.

Money: No surprise, that’s quite an obvious thing to do, but depends on how much royalties do I get with Amazon or I simply make my money with PayPal and/or Patreon.

...Did I say Amazon? That’s right, I’m planning to self-publish my novel with Amazon Kindle Direct Publishing.

Wanting my novels to becomea franchise: Okay, this is a little too much, and there’s a weird pattern I noticed that if you say “This is going to be the next X franchise” or “I want this to be huge!” or something like that, you’re bound to fail, and if you say “I don’t think I might make it” or similar statements that you wouldn’t be successful or anything, you’re bound to succeed. I know I’m escalating things up but it’s what I want the most, but I don’t want it to be adapted into Hollywood and that kind of shit, I want it to be adapted into a video game series, which I originally planned to make this into a game series, but since I would never figure out how would I study game design or anything, I gave up on the idea and chose something easier, writing a novel.

I wasn’t kidding that I have ambitious goals and ideas...

I don’t have a lot of motivation to write my novel, the only thing I’m motivated to write are Tumblr posts...

I’m always like “Gotta write” and I just can’t. There’s something about trying to structure sentences something that always throws me off, it’s just hard.

I haven’t been in the mood to continue trying to outlining the plot and the characters, I’m waiting for the right time to continue, and that time would be starting 2019.

I don’t want any more excuses and I need to find a way to motivate myself to write, I need to write for real, I don’t need to worry about writing garbage words or anything, I just need to write. X_X

Anyways, moving on to the next resolution.

Change my behavior (for the better or for the worse): After I made you read through my psychosis (If you read all the way through the end, good job. If you skipped it, why would you do that? It’s important), it probably should be time for me to change because even I get tired of the way I’m acting right now.

What do I mean to change for the better or for the worse? In one hand, I do want to act like a good person, I need to be more understood in a few cases and try to be more honest, but that honesty sometimes could be rude. As you can see, sometimes I could rude, I tend to make insulting comments and sometimes I delete them because I’m scared that I might end up being blocked and/or banned, even if I intended to make jokes. Basically I’m not gonna delete my comments, as rude as they may be, I really hope anyone won’t take them very seriously.

If I can’t manage to be more respectful towards others’ opinions and be a good person through the entirety of 2019, you pretty much know that I’m quite an angry, trigger-happy person like I’ve already been this year. Or maybe I can be kind of a tsundere, right! I sometimes even I was a bit of a tsundere this year! :3

Despite my good behavior and actions, I’m still going to have my trust no one motto. Sure, I can still understand some people’s opinions, but sometimes I can’t 100% take them. Sometimes you just gotta find things out by yourself when you hear different sources with different opinions, that’s the basics.

(God, talking about basics make me sound like I’m Genjou Kakouton from Ikki Tousen)

I dunno why but I’m already imagining that my behavior change would feel more like personality disorder (why am I so obsessed with personality disorders?), anyways, I really hope I could definitely change the way I am and everything, hopefully.

(Be nice with me or else we’re done, okay?)

Draw very often: I’ve pretty much given up on drawing at this point, and I’m even going to enter art school soon and, to be honest, I don’t feel like I’m really interested in art school at all.

On one hand, I do want to learn to draw better, but on the other hand, I really don’t feel like going to school right now... even I don’t know why my head feels like it doesn’t want to do shit.

I just lost patience in drawing, I really struggle on how should I do the roughs and my inking always go wrong. Don’t even get me started on digital art, that one’s my absolute worst nightmare. Layers, brushes, brush sizes, everything about digital art drives me crazy now.

Drawing has always been my favorite hobby, it’s not like I got a slump, I can randomly do sketches of my OCs or even my favorite characters, the problem is the willing to draw.

I’m 19 years old and I expect to draw better right away...

I was originally going to make an Infinity Stone variant New Year drawings, with each stone representing a character from their colors, I realized that I wasn’t going to have the patience to do everything right.

Besides writing my novel, I would like to draw very often so I could improve. I’m more on the traditional side, so learning about digital might be a pain in the ass but it should be worth it. Well, maybe I don’t need to draw literally every single day because I could get carpal tunnel, but that’s the point of learning to improve your drawing, by doing so everyday.

Anticipations: My favorite part of every New Year is talking about what I look forward the most. For the most part, I’ve seen plenty that will come out next year, but maybe not everything will come in 2019, so delays would eventually happen, but in the mean time, we can acknowledge some upcoming things.

Anticipated anime: When new anime seasons come closer, my anticipated anime will always differ, depending on what announcements I see, they’ve always gotta be in the same year or next year (2019), but alas, here are some of the biggest titles I have in mind:

(Note that some of the titles mentioned here are from Winter 2019, so close and I already addressed some of them on my previous post, but I feel like rewriting what I said here in case if you don’t want to read it all)

One Punch Man season 2: This one I’m genuinely cautiously optimistic, or perhaps I’m 50/50, I don’t have the highest hopes to be good (at least visually), but I’m strangely happy to know if it’s going to look like crap because I want to see it burn and everything (I’m a little insane), I’m never going to forgive the studio change shit move.

On December 21st, the first trailer has finally dropped, and even with the little animation shown, but the main thing that matters to me is how it looks, and it looks... not really what I expected but it could be a mixed bag.

On one hand, it still looks a bit like the first season, which I’m happy, on the other hand, they added filters and the character designs (especially King’s) look a little off, even if it’s supposed to have the same character designer from the first season, but I thought the designs may differ from animation or something.

I saw a comment that OPM S2 appears to be made by the Prison School staff, while I’m not entirely sure if it’s true but I figured since Prison School is made by JC Staff, no wonder why OPM has similar visual filters or something.

(Can’t properly upload GIFs to Tumblr and the GIF button sucks)

Madhouse’s animation style will always hold a special place in my heart, and as I previously stated, it still looks okay, may change when it comes out. Can’t give a seal of approval yet, but there’s potential.

Mob Psycho 100 II: Unlike One Punch Man, I’m glad Mob Psycho 100 is handled at better hands and I’m happy season 2 is happening. I still wish OPM S2 could have been aired on Winter 2019 with Mob Psycho 100 S2 to have a ONE combo but OPM S2 being on Spring when MP100 ends is the closest I could get (I’m never going to stop repeating this, because it’s true)

Enough OPM talk, looking forward to MP100, I’m still wondering if it’ll go two-cour a la My Hero Academia to adapt every chapter until the very end or it’s still one-cour and wait until a third season gets greenlit and then it’ll adapt the final chapters.

Kemono Friends 2: Like One Punch Man season 2, I extremely don’t have the highest hopes for Kemono Friends 2 at all, especially after you know what happened.

Whenever people see something Kemono Friends related, they can’t help but always, and I mean, always spam “No Tatsuki No Tanoshii” or a difference sentence but with the theme of “bring Tatsuki back” or something, from the two trailers and even some things that are not intended to spread the hate. (Seriously, why would you do that? It’s just the artist, Mine Yoshizaki, drawing, why even go with the “No Tatsuki No Tanoshii” mood into something innocent as this?)

Speaking of the trailers, the second one is the worst that has come out, besides from the thousands of dislikes, to no one’s surprise, the worst offender has got to be the new human character, Kyururu, immediately leading me to believe that Kaban-chan got retconned... That is until I got an anonymous message that she wasn’t retconned, she was referenced at some points or something, based on screenings of what I assume to be the first episode, don’t know any more of the screening stuff, but let’s wait until the first or later episodes to see if it’s true.

Perhaps Kemono Friends 2 could be a prequel? One of my friends told me it could be a soft reboot after I showed them the message, but it doesn’t seem likely. And the fact that it’s another prequel would cause any sort of problems. For one, there’s already a prequel, which is the Welcome to Japari Park anime series (not to be confused with the manga of the same name because it’s completely different...?), it may not show much but there’s Mirai and Caracal, unless it could be a sequel to Japari Park after what happened to Mirai or something, who knows.

Despite all the negative press that it’s getting, I’ve been seeing a lot of comments that express excitement, which I don’t mind, actually. I’ve also seen comments that the animation looks better than the first season’s, while it may be true, but it’s a bit disrespectful for Tatsuki.

Once it comes out, let’s see how it’ll go.

(Wow, there’s S2 after S2...)

Kemurikusa: After Tatsuki got fired from the Kemono Friends franchise, I wonder what would his future be, and it appears that he started making shorts and posting them by multiple parts on his Twitter, which is fine, but what about any full fledged anime series? Well, that actually happened, and it happens to be a remake of one of his old web series.

I don’t remember when have I scrolled through Tatsuki’s old CG movie portofolio, but I’m sure it was definitely when the initial teasers for Kemurikusa (or simply known as “Tatsuki’s next anime” series at the time) on Comiket were revealed.

I’m still wondering if this is an all-new reboot, a prequel or a sequel of the original web series, but the answer lies until I see it.

Kimetsu no Yaiba: I’m so looking forward to this one, Ufotable’s next big TV anime project, and it happens to be a Shonen Jump series, which makes things much more surreal than Katsugeki: Touken Ranbu.

Yeah, I’m pretty much a big Ufotable fan right now. (though the only disadvantage being Girls’ Work nowhere in sight)

My Hero Academia season 4: I’m surprised to hear that it’s going to come out on the Fall season compared to the usual Spring release. And I was immediately begging for it to come on my birthday but I realized that My Hero Academia is a Saturday show and the first Saturday of October is the 5th, which is sad for me.

Azur Lane anime: As much as I love the game, I’m definitely excited for the anime, I even went so far to make a predictions post, but at the same time, since I rambled that adaptations are worthless of existence if you’d prefer the source material way better, I’m scared that it may turn out mediocre (maybe as or not as much as the Kancolle anime (which I dunno why I started developing mixed feelings since I liked it when I saw it back in 2015 ;_;))

It may or may not be a 2019 release, depending as time goes on and see if there are any new trailers or any announcements over the course of the year.

When the anime comes out and it becomes subject of a disappointment, I feel like it could be kind of an understatement, either from people who don’t play the game or the ones who do, I dunno, I’m relying on my beliefs on how it’s going to do for the moment, it’s a strange situation where I would like it at first but I get mixed feelings eventually.

Fate/Grand Order Babylonia TV series / Fate/Grand Order Camelot movie: Sometimes I forget which of the two FGO anime projects are a TV series and a movie. Anyways, I’m looking forward to these, but I feel like no one is accepting these Fate adaptations lately and it’s making me angry and sad.

As to why are Babylonia and Camelot the most popular chapters in FGO, I asked on a Discord server I frequently interact with, and they said that the previous chapters are bad and forgettable, I was like really speechless and turns me off, I mean, real talk: Why does FGO got a bunch of chapters and you either like none of them or the entire fan base agrees that every chapter before Babylonia and Camelot are... bad?! You can’t do that, they’re... there! If so, what’s even the point of these chapters to exist?!

Alright, that’s enough rant and I ran out of ideas.

Anyways, I’m more curious on the Camelot movies because if they’re released theatrically, I really wonder if they would come out internationally too, especially in Mexico. I really wonder if there are plenty of people who play FGO like my sister and I, either the Japanese version, the North American version (which seems unlikely because it’s region locked). I’m also curious about the releases since it’s a two parter, if it’ll be yearly release, it’s fine, but if it’s like the K Seven Stories films which come out months and months, I’ll definitely run out of money (not much than the game (if I had any money for the game)), but if it’ll be TV films, that’s much better.

To be honest, I can’t really see the appeal as to why are Babylonia and Camelot good in terms of writing because I haven’t looked up on translations and I don’t play the NA version at all... I hate Camelot so much because it was so god damn hard, Babylonia not so much iirc. And I’m lazy to look up said translations or even watch videos of the NA version.

NOW, WHEN THEY COME OUT, DON’T YOU DARE TRASH TALK ABOUT IT, PLEASE DON’T BE FATE/APOCRYPHA 2.0 TO BRING IN THE HATE OR ELSE...

(Source)

Anticipated games: Even if I still haven’t owned a PS4 and a Switch, I’m stll looking forward to the games, nonetheless, though I’m sad that there’s plenty of games that came out for years and I’ll never get to play them all, especially since we’re getting into next-gen console territory. Anyways, here are the biggest games I’m looking forward:

Devil May Cry 5: I’m happy to see there’s finally a new Devil May Cry game after 10 years since DMC4 came out. I only played DMC1 and DMC3. With the reveal at E3, the song Devil Trigger is the second best thing to come out of it (the first being the reveal itself) because I couldn’t stop listening to it for like a week and occasionally a couple of days, etc.

Every gameplay footage I’ve seen of the game and it’s looking damn fresh. I’m also happy to hear that DMC5 is taken place after DMC2 in the timeline, that’s one of the things from the DMC lore I always wanted because I didn’t want prequel after prequel.

Seems like my sister is really thirsty to get a PS4 to play DMC5 (because she was the first one to get into DMC after all, and when she asked me to play DMC1 for a little bit, I played the rest of it (and she never got to play DMC1 again and DMC3, unless she gets to play the HD Collection)).

Travis Strikes Again: No More Heroes: I genuinely have mixed feelings for Travis Strikes Again. In one hand, I’m happy there’s finally a new No More Heroes game after a long time, but in the other hand, it’s not No More Heroes 3, like I always wanted, which that’s part of my disappointments with this game.

The more I look at it, the more I started to feel like I’m not really fond of the direction Travis Strikes Again is taking, particularly the one element I like the least is all of the indie game stuff. The game doesn’t even look good too, for a game made in Unreal Engine 4, looks like crap.

The biggest thing that completely hurt me is that Robin Atkin Downes is NOT reprising his role as Travis. He tweeted about it on September 2nd, 2017, a while after the game was revealed. Although, based on newer footage, it seems like Travis does sound like Robin Atkin Downes, if my ears can’t deceive me, but I can’t jump into conclusions 100%.

Suda has also stated that there will be No More Heroes 3 if Travis Strikes Again is successful, but given the timing of the release, January 18th, that’s a week before big titles like Kingdom Hearts 3 comes out, even if it’s a week, Travis Strikes Again probably won’t succeed in sales, if it indeed happens, there will be no No More Heroes 3, seems like my hopes and dreams are shattered. Travis Strikes Again will have similar problems to The World Ends With You: Final Remix, which sold poorly and a sequel is now unlikely.

I think I started to hate how developers always bring these “We’ll make a sequel if our product does well.” excuses, they don’t know if their product may turn bad critically and financially.

Despite my skepticisms with how the game looks and everything behind it overall, I’m ironically still rooting for Travis Strikes Again, I still want the game to succeed somehow and to live up my No More Hero spirit. I want it to either make or break a good comeback for a series I love the most.

But gameplay aside, my main priority is the story, it may or may not answer a few things about what happened to Travis and Santa Destroy in 8 (or 9 as it’s released in January 2019) years since No More Heroes 2, I JUST WANT TO KNOW EVERYTHING. I may have high expectations from said things, that aside, even if the story is crap (or rather the whole game) is crap, it seems like Travis Strikes Again could be my biggest dealbreaker ever, if I’ll be 100% sure about that. (Like how Danganronpa V3 brought one of the worst plot twists yet, I’m not 100% sure if I should be disappointed or just deal with it despite having mixed feelings).

I can’t hate Travis Strikes Again, I can’t feel disappointed on it, I want to like it and everything on it, etc. (Since I’m an indecisive person, I can’t even decide which feelings should I choose?)

While I don’t own a Switch (yet), I may watch some playthroughs if I can, but this is something I’d really love to play the game myself, I wouldn’t mind reading spoilers, but at the same time, I’m conflicted on what to do.

Anyways, it’d better be successful or fail, if it fails, say no more to No More Heroes 3, my hopes and dreams for a real NMH3 will be forever shattered and lose faith in Suda51 for good, and I poured tears of joy (I legit cried) from the Travis Strikes Again announcement from the Switch reveal in January 2017 in vain.

...That is until December 20th, I was watching the Famitsu presentation but my mom turned off the internet 30 minutes later, but when I woke up that morning, literally the first thing I saw on Twitter was a tweet by Grasshopper where they tweeted that... ROBIN ATKIN DOWNES IS RETURNING AS TRAVIS AFTER ALL! Then I saw the Gematsu post about the season pass and HOLY SHIT, SHINOBU AND BAD GIRL!

I’m happy that they both got revealed (and their returning voices, double yay), but I’m more surprised on Bad Girl because ISN’T SHE DEAD, THOUGH?! Ahem, yeah, isn’t she supposed to be dead or there may be some sort of simulation from the Death Drive, I dunno, but hey, at least Badman (which he’s voiced by Steve Blum, which is nice) can get to have a reunion with his daughter... kind of.

There’s also this new character as one of the stage bosses, Brian Buster Jr., I don’t think I would find anything to add to the character (haven’t seen him much at all), and I’m not much familiar with the actor, Greg Ellis, but I checked his portofolio and I am somewhat familiar with his works now.

With all that said, my faith in Travis Strikes Again has restored, but I need to see how would Henry and Sylvia look like after all this years and my life will be completed.

Oh, but when his translator announced that Travis won’t be in Super Smash Bros. Ultimate LIVE, THAT I won’t ever forgive! ¡Pero qué vergüenza que se sirvan de este tipo de trampas!

(This is worse than the FFXV anniversary stream which it was basically a funeral for the DLCs)

Code Vein: I was so looking forward to this one this year, but months before the game came out in the September release date, it got delayed until nexr year, I don’t know why but if they got some stuff to improve, let them take their time. Besides, I already got God Eater 3, anyways.

Azur Lane: Crosswave: If the anime wasn’t enough, there’s also a PS4 game of Azur Lane already. Seems like AL really has escalated quickly.

It’s developed by Felistella and Compile Heart, which the latter is known as the makers of the Neptunia franchise. It’s a love it or hate it kind of situation with their games, though I’ve seen more hate on the Neptunia series from one person (sorry for calling you out if you’re reading this) than... Erin Fitzgerald’s Noire, but that won’t stop me from trying to play Azur Lane: Crosswave.

However, some of the games from their portofolio may be mediocre at best, I may expect AL: Crosswave to also be somewhat mediocre or maybe even New Gundam Breaker level garbage (okay, my expectations are outlandish), but I still hope it’ll turn out to be a good game.

I definitely like what I’m seeing so far, especially the character models because it feels nice to see the shipfus brought to 3D.

They also teased that there are two original characters, they haven’t revealed them yet, and when they do, I’m sure they’ll look great, they may be exclusive to the game, but that won’t stop me for wanting them to appear in the base game. (It’s a similar situation on how I want Charlamagne from Fate/Extella Link to appear in FGO eventually)

Unlike the anime, this one is indeed planned to release sometime in 2019, though a delay may eventually happen, but we can still count it as a 2019 release for now.

By the way, both Granblue Fantasy and Azur Lane are getting console games when Fate/Grand Order hasn’t gotten one yet. ;_;

Anticipated movies: When it comes to anticipated movies, my top picks are always Marvel movies, because why the fuck not? As in for anime movies, my top pick would be Fate/Stay Night: Heaven’s Feel (the FGO Camelot movie too but if it would be a theatrical release, which matters for me the most), but there may be other non-Marvel, non-DC movies

Avengers: Endgame: At last I’ve been waiting for trailer AND the title for the long called Avengers 4. Really hoping for Endgame to top Infinity War.

Spider-Man: Far From Home: Still waiting to see the trailer right now, but it seems like it would create problems of spoiling Avengers: Endgame or something, for the moment, the synopsis and the trailer description from CCXP are enough for me to get hyped for the film...

...Give me the god damn trailer, Sony, Marvel, whoever (certainly not Disney).

Between Avengers: Endgame and Spider-Man: Far From Home, I’m debating on which one of these films are gonna be my #1 film, it’s the same problem I faced on the last minute before seeing Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse, I was like “which one should be my #1? Infinity War or Spider-Verse?” and it turned out to be Spider-Verse, no surprise.

Captain Marvel: This one I feel like I’m the least hyped for Captain Marvel compared to Avengers: Endgame and Spider-Man: Far From Home, but I’m still gonna see it, anyways, I just want to see what happens to Carol Danvers to not be around in the first Iron Man movie and The Avengers.

Dark Phoenix: I wonder if this could be the last X-Men movie made by Fox because of the Disney-Fox deal, depending on the success.

I’m also surprised that they dropped the “X-Men” on the title, but it’s still being used internationally (including Latin America).

Not that I think X-Men: Apocalypse was bad, but I do acknowledge that it was bad, I hope Dark Phoenix could be better than Apocalypse.

New Mutants: It still baffles me how would Fox drop the first trailer of New Mutants ages ago and then delay the film for a full year.

I heard they would capitalize on IT’s success and I feel like it would be copying someone’s success and it could fail very badly. I still want New Mutants to be succesful, somehow.

Speaking of IT...

IT Chapter 2: Just want to say definitely looking forward to Chapter 2.

Joker origin movie: It’s a movie coming out on my birthday! This time, coming out EXACTLY on the 4th, instead of the 5th like Venom. I’m really interested to see how will Joaquin Phoenix’s Joker would be like, he certainly looks way better than the Jared Leto Joker.

Also, I thought the one DC movie coming out in 2019 was Wonder Woman 1984 but then I realized it’s coming in 2020, so in 2019, I got the Joker movie and I also forgot this one was coming out too...

Shazam!: There isn’t much I would talk about Shazam, though, just that gonna see it, I don’t have much thoughts on the film itself. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Star Wars Episode 9: After The Last Jedi and Solo, I really hope Star Wars could win fans back, sure, they did part of it with the revival of the Clone Wars series, but the hate still lies around the movies.

The Last Jedi sure caused a lot of backlash, maybe everyone has been relying on fan theories way too much to be disappointed on how the film turned out, even if it’s not that, then who knows how the backlash came from. Solo, sure, kicking Phil Lord & Chris Miller was a dick move from Disney (but firing James Gunn was the ultimate dick move), but the final film turned out decent enough, sadly it’s a financial failure, though (like I care about financial successes or anything).

This is one of those cases why I hate fandoms so much, contrary to what critics believe that TLJ is a great film, with high scores and everything, and then everyone else just call it an ultimate disaster.

I’m not that passionate with Star Wars to believe if I like TLJ or I hate it (I’m sure there’s an Earth where I do hate TLJ when I’ve been a life long Star Wars fan), despite having a bit of history with Star Wars (with the cartoons and even got a Lego; I’ve never seen the films ;_;), I’m indifferent with the franchise, but I’m on a mission that I’m going to watch the new films starting with The Force Awakens, I’m just liking the newer films without having to pay attention to the entire lore and everything (don’t worry, I do watch videos about easter eggs and references). I’m not the type of person to hate TLJ.

There hasn’t been much Episode 9 news lately, but by the time being in 2019, there will be trailers and everything.

Glass: Split was probably like my very first M. Night Shyamalan film, or maybe I’ve seen parts of The Last Airbender but in the form of promos or something, I can’t remember but Split was definitely my first Shyamalan film.

I really loved Split, and I heard that it was a sequel to Unbreakable, which I got to see it recently, which now I’m ready to watch this interesting trilogy.

Despite having a rough year, having a lot of issues, being an asshole, and everything else, I still had a lot of fun. I also made a lot of new friends from Discord, sometimes they can be tolerable, other times can not, not just my friends, anyone else too, but that’s just me.

I really hope to achieve new things, obtain new interests and habits, I’m going to do everything leading up to become 20 years old. Though, I’m still expecting a genetical change like I’ve always been and nothing happened, but I’m sure I’ll kickstart a new life starting at 20.

Let the new year begin, 2019, also known as the year set in Akira, Blade Runner, The Running Man and other few movies taken place in 2019, but the previously mentioned are the biggest ones. We still don’t have the technology that’s straight out of the future, but it’s getting close.

Thank you for the support, I love you all and let’s have a great 2019 together.

Twitter: @HKomaeda.

Discord: XtremeDespair3D#8157.

[oochaycheesstuff]

An Interview with Samantha Baker

Samantha Baker was born and raised in the suburbs of Chicago in 1968. She was the second oldest of four children - two sisters and a brother. In her family home, she lived with her mom, dad, and siblings. She experienced the classic stuff a teen went through in the 80s: embarrassment, disgust, first love, as well as boys being very forward and not being able to take a hint. Today, Baker lives her life as a loving mother, wife, and health teacher at her local high school. We sat down with her recently to catch up with her and see where she is now in 2021, as well as have her speak on some of her experiences growing up as a teenage girl in the 80s when it came to boys and how she feels about those experiences now.

Hello, Ms. Baker. Thank you for taking time out of your schedule and doing this interview with me.

SB: It’s no problem at all. Thank you for having me.

So, it has been almost 40 years since you graduated high school. That’s a pretty significant anniversary. Is there any time during your high school years that sticks out to you the most or that you remember the most fondly?

SB: A time during high school that I remember the most? Hmm… the number one thing that comes to mind is my sixteenth birthday. My sixteenth birthday was something I had been looking forward to since I was twelve years old. I had it all planned out: a big party with tons of people, a boyfriend, a brand new black Trans Am waiting for me in the driveway. That birthday is one I will never be able to forget, which is funny because all of my family actually forgot it was my birthday on the day of my birthday. I couldn’t believe it. I spent that entire day waiting for any of them to acknowledge me and wish me well, sing to me, anything! But I didn’t get a single thing! It was right around the time my older sister was getting married and everyone was so focused on her that they completely forgot about me. In fact, the only surprises I got that day were my grandparents asking me invasive questions and their Chinese exchange student that I didn’t know about popping up in my room. It completely freaked me out! There was a school dance that night at the school gym and they actually made me bring him along with me. During that time I had a huge crush on this senior named Jake Ryan. He was the main thing that I wanted, but he was already dating this other popular girl, Caroline, who was gorgeous, and blonde, and perfect. I thought I didn’t stand a chance. Well anyway, fast forward to the school dance, I’m watching Jake and Caroline slow dancing. I felt horrible. But then all of a sudden he looks at me, looks away, and then looks back again. It completely took me by surprise and I had to turn away. When I turned around this nerdy kid was right in my face and started making moves on me. It terrified me. He grabbed me and started dancing with me… well… more like dancing around me. He kept touching me and speaking really creepily in my ear. I was not having a good time.

Oh God, that does not sound pleasant at all.

SB: It was embarrassing! When he was too preoccupied with his dancing and wasn’t paying attention to me, I ran out of the gym as fast as I could. Once I got into the hallway, I remember sliding down the wall and crying. I was pretty dramatic back then, but I mean, what teenager isn’t? I saw the guy I had a huge crush on dancing with his girlfriend that I felt completely inferior to and this nerdy kid wouldn’t leave me alone. Anyway, I cleaned myself up and made my way back into the gym to where my friends were and this kid came up to me again! My friends kinda messed with him to the point where he started looking away and rambling, which I took as a time to escape from him… again. I made my way to the auto shop so I could be by myself and he somehow found me AGAIN! He was really relentless.

That sounds like a nightmare. Did you ever figure out a way that made him leave you alone?

SB: Kind of. I was sitting in this car that was missing it’s entire back half when he found me. For whatever reason, which I’m still not sure the reason behind, I unlocked the door for him and let him sit next to me. He makes a comment on how great the night is and I explain to him that it’s my birthday, and eventually find myself going on a rant about how the day did not live up to my expectations whatsoever. I think he started to feel bad and decided to cheer me up by telling me a secret of his. He told me that he had never actually been able to get a girl. Shocking isn’t it? Anyway, he made a comment I can’t quite remember but whatever it was it made me burst out laughing. I guess I made him feel bad and apologized. I guess he took that as a sign to make another move on me. He started to climb on top of me, bumping the car horn, and I had to yell at him and push him off of me. He sat back down and looked upset. I told him not to worry about it, and he took that as a sign AGAIN to get on top of me, which resulted in me reacting the same way as before. I pushed him off and scolded him again. Somehow we were able to get to having a normal conversation about my own nonexistent love life and I told him how I was saving myself for someone in particular, Jake. To my surprise he told me that Jake had asked him about me! I’m sure you can imagine how excited I was about that. He kind of hypes me up and convinces me to find Jake and talk to him. I don’t know how I was able to turn my night around with this kid but somehow it ended up working in my favor. I’ve been going on and on about this night, so to make a long story a bit shorter, I’ll just say that on my sixteenth birthday my family forgot my birthday, but I ended up knowing my crush might like me back and ended up giving my underwear to the creepy kid so that he could prove a point to his friends. And that’s all I’ll say about that.

Woah. That’s a big turn around from where the night started with you two. When telling that story, you mentioned multiple times how the kid kept making advances towards you when you repeatedly would reject him. That is something that a lot of people, especially young girls and women, experience many times throughout life. What do you think is the reason behind why he wouldn’t stop making those advances on you when you repeatedly showed no interest?

SB: Obviously I cannot speak for him specifically, but I think there were a few factors that played into why he and other boys and men that act this way do what they do. I believe that the movies and shows kids are exposed to play a major part in what they deem right or wrong. You know, this was the ‘80s. There were so many movies being made at that time that had so many questionable and distasteful messages that downplayed or completely disregarded how unacceptable behavior like that is. I turned sixteen in 1984, which is the same year movies like Revenge Of The Nerds came out. At the time, movies were being created that didn’t reprimand the behavior of men and boys that behaved in the manner of the characters in those movies. The characters were always seen as the hero of the movie, despite them doing horrible things. I think because of that, a lot of boys and men believed that it was acceptable to act like that, when it’s most certainly not okay.

Being in a high school setting in today’s world must be very different to how it used to be when you were in high school. More people are being vocal about social issues and movements like #MeToo are making themselves more prevalent. Do you actively talk about those topics in your classes and if so, how are the topics handled?

SB: We absolutely talk about current events in my classes. Being a health teacher, it would be irresponsible to not cover issues like sexual assault and harassment along with the rest of my curriculum. Typically in my classes I will bring up a topic one day, ask my students what they know about the topic, sometimes watch a clip from a show or movie that touches on the subject and always have a discussion afterwards. I might show clips from movies like Animal House (1978), for example, that show acts that are inexcusable and should never be done. It allows for there to be a visual example of the issue at hand and makes it easier to ease into the topic for my students. I will sometimes also show clips from shows like I May Destroy You (2020), to show how different victims might handle or cope with these situations. I try to allow my kids to have access to all the information they need when it comes to serious and sensitive topics such as this.

You mentioned Revenge Of The Nerds and Animal House, two movies that are now looked down upon for some of their questionable plot lines and scenes. Nowadays these movies would be what some might consider “canceled”. What are your thoughts on Cancel Culture and do you also discuss it with your students?

SB: Cancel Culture is a big topic these days. As someone who grew up when the movies mentioned were coming out, there were a lot of things that society was okay with then that are now seen as offensive or insensitive. I think Cancel Culture is a difficult subject, especially when it comes to things that were created or stated during a time when certain topics and actions were deemed acceptable. I believe we should acknowledge the bad and harmful elements of the past and use them as examples of what not to do in the future. There are certain things I have said or acted on that I now know are not correct, and I feel that we should treat the media the same. No one’s perfect, that’s a fact, but it’s important to speak on issues that can cause other people emotional and/or physical pain. These issues should not be taken lightly.

[mei-be]

I decided that this year, I will make a resolution. This in itself is a bit revolutionary, because I’ve always been the anti-traditionalist, anti-precedent, just anti-. This year is different, because it started off in a fever pitch, whined to a rotten crescendo, and now is whimpering to a close. At the literal beginning of this year, my mental and physical health had taken a major shit in the proverbial bed. I started the New Year terrified, and sick with worry. I had been hospitalized against my will, in a psych ward, and found myself creeping through a very real life version of One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. I had a delusional roommate, haunted by The Man, who watched her and hurt her. Hurt her though food, through medicine, invaded her life, drained her bank accounts, made it so she couldn’t sleep. Now that I was her roommate, he was watching me too, and I couldn’t close any doors, take a shower, or shut my eyes. There was the drooling, heavy lidded non-verbal man, who shuffled through the hallways attached to an IV, and had one hand permanently lifted and dangling. There was the angry kid, who yelled obscenities, and complained about the bullshit, his medication, how he was treated, only to periodically break down in tears and screaming, and had to go into the Quiet Room. The Quiet Room was a very small space, complete with bed decked out in restraints. The only thing missing was the padded walls and the straight jacket. But that would be undignified. A nurse stood behind a little window, distributing drugs at specific times. I asked her why she broke the pills out of the blister pack, into a paper cup, and tipped the paper cup into my waiting hand. Why not just break the pills from the blister pack into my hand. It’s the same amount of touching by the both of us, and then they could reduce that additional waste and cost. My mind works like that. She didn’t know, that’s how they did it.

That week felt like a month, just like this year felt like a new lifetime. Since then, I’ve been going to therapy, seeing doctors, paying attention to my diet, getting regular sleep, and working on the rats nest that is my brain. It’s what you do, and it’s all good and healthy and mindful, and positive. But what I’ve been really struggling with, is the anxiety. My anxiety rips through me like a cancer. It denatures and decays every day, no matter when it arises. All the good I ever did is wiped away, and I’m left with grime and ash. It used to stay in my head, but now it’s ventured out mycelium-esque threads into my body. It makes me weak, it takes the ground out from under me, my heart machine over heats, my fulel expels and lays wasted, my body-cage aches...

It is what it is.

I am circling the drain. I’ve been here before, I’ve seen this movie, and the ending does no justice. Leitmotifs are small, recurring, characteristic of a composition; so much so that they become the composition. I don’t want to be this ring-cycle, I wont cement this reality through repetition. And so, I’ve decided to wage an attack on this misery. An attack in the form of a Happiness War, to make the goal of happiness as if it were a life or death situation. To furiously, religiously, and zealously seek Happiness with an intensity alike to terror; only matched by the ferocity of the terror inside.

So I make a stand, I screw my courage to the sticking place and screw my fear and stick it to my panic. I choose, I chase, I become a champion of happiness. It is the only choice. I remember a story I once heard. A man was telling his friend about hunting rhino in Africa. It had been a long hunt, and he had finally come to meet his prey. The rhino was a dense, black, death machine of a beast. He fired, but missed. His second shot jammed the rifle. Panicked, he looked around, there was nothing but grass in every direction. No weapon, no tree, no rocks to climb. Just grass, heat, and angry rhino. He could hear the rhino’s approach like thunder, he could very nearly feel the animals hot breath on his neck. Entranced in the tale, his friend asked, “So what did you do?” “I climbed a tree right in the nick of time!” He said. “What tree?”, the friend asked, “You said there was no tree!” “Don’t you see?”, answered the man, “There has to be a tree, there is always a tree, you have to look for it, but that is the point of my story. There is always a tree. Find the tree.”

I take constant support and inspiration from this story. Where there is life, there are more stories. So you do the damn thing until it’s dead, or you are. Never give up, never surrender. There is always another way, even when the rhino is upon you. It is always darkest before the dawn, you just hold on. Find the tree.

Part 1. Gratitude

I did an informal poll, and asked my friends on social media some questions about Happiness. It’s a pretty banal question, and definitely leads to a lot of cliches and derivative content. But even though the question has been asked so many times, to the point of being historical, it still echos in the collective heads of many. So here we go, here we go, here we go again. The way that I research and make decisions is such: I read as much as I can about my subject, and disregard the biases of each individual body of work, even though I know that there are definite biases. Instead, I look for repetition. Despite people’s stance or mediated perceptions, I believe that there are certain, close to absolute truths that will emerge, if given enough experience or exposure. This way of digesting information began when I was grade school aged, and learned about the Free Marketplace Theory. Basically, you give everyone a chance, and the quality items will rise to the top, and prove themselves by their worth. No monopolies, no deceitful practices, no bull. This sounds like a great way to go about scholarly work, but you can imagine me trying to buy sponges, or find recipes, or, most everyday things.

So, one of the threads of commonality that I noticed when asking people about their Happiness, is gratitude. Either as a precursor or an after effect, I see a theme of being happy because of what you have. Interestingly enough, it seems that gratitude is interwoven with a sense of, “It could be worse, but it isn’t”. This strikes me as odd, because it seems that a sense of misery, or acute un-Happiness, is necessary for Happiness to exist. One of my friends wrote this, “Hammocks without spiders. Water when I’m thirsty. Really cold soda on a hot day.” This seems like a simple, light-hearted, cute statement, but look at the profound presence of suffering. To experience the relaxation of a lovely hammock, she apparently had previously experienced a hammock that came with spiders. Good god. That seems like a nightmarish exercise in vulnerability. Yet, it is that horror, that leads her to appreciate each spider-free hammock session, and even more; to list it as one of the top things that make her happy. We run from misery, we avoid it, we do everything we can to keep it at bay. But it’s the other side of happiness. To experience Happiness, apparently you have had to sit in the Shit for a while. I’ve thought about the Shit before, and have come to this similar conclusion. When you are faced with the question of, “Why is this happening to me?” Or the ever-popular, “ Why do bad things happen to good people?”, perhaps the answer is, “So they can learn to be very fucking Happy”.

Two key takeaways here: 1. Caveat- The bad things, the Shit, cannot kill you. If it does, then the conversation is over. Don’t let it kill you, if you can. Rage, rage against the dying of the light. Where there is life, there is hope, and more story. For those of us who suffer from suicidal tendencies or ideation, this is a point that needs to be made, for we are the ones in the strange position of being both powerless, and the only one with the power over our lives. 2. The Shit cannot become your life. If the Shit is all you see when you look around, you can never gain perspective. You won’t be able to learn from it if you can’t get some sort of distance. Distance, or progress, is the very mechanism of the story. The shit is your conflict, and conflict is the very catalyst that moves the story, into its rising action and climax. In other, plainer words, that Shit has to move, man. A story that ends before or at its climax is bullshit. It’s an artsy literary move, but for me, that’s just lazy writing. Having your audience choose their own ending saves you from having to write THE ENTIRE REST OF THE STORY. Work that Shit, move through that Shit, don’t let it be everything. That’s just shitty.

2. Progress

A therapy that I’ve just began exploring is ACT, or Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. If you’ve ever even dipped a toe into any sort of counseling or self help, chances are, you’ve come across some form of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. It’s like the Gold Standard of psychological treatment. It’s based on the idea that your psychological and behavioral issues are based in faulty thinking and or behavior. It’s rooted in repetition, an endless cycle of catching bad thoughts, and turning them into better ones. Often, you literally find the opposite of that negative thought, or look for evidence to support or deny it. You also try to find origins or deeper causes of the negative behavior. The idea is that if you do these exercises long enough, the repetition forms new connections, and new habits. It’s super boring. It works. ACT takes a lot of the same models found in CBT, with one difference. Instead of fighting your negative thoughts, you first accept them. It’s in the name. So, you still go through the rigamorole of identifying your negative thoughts, and trying to find their origins and evidences. However, one deviation that I’ve found really helpful is that there is no way not to choose. By not doing something, you are choosing NOT that thing. Given that you’ve already made a choice, acknowledge that choice. Now that you’ve made a stance, decide the quality of that stance. If you are someone like me, who’s fight, flight, or freeze sympathetic nervous system most often chooses to freeze, and when frozen, reconciles itself into the form of a panic attack, this mode of CHOICE makes a huge difference. Let me lay it out for you in this example:

Conflict: I don’t know what to do with my life, I’m aimless, unmotiviated, torn. It’s too late for me, I can’t do it, I’m not good enough.

Assuming you’ve already gone through your basic reframing thoughts, positive thoughts, SMART goals checklist, you might end with something that looks like this.

I don’t know if getting a Nursing Degree is right for me. It makes sense, and I’ve already put a lot of effort into it, but it’s not what I love. I love foraging, herbalism and dietetics. However, those fields are not sustainable, feasible, or a good fiscal degree. I don’t know what to do.

But today, right now, I am currently not actively pursuing a nursing degree. So, today, I’ve chosen not to pursue a nursing degree.

For some people and some situations, this in and of itself, brings a deep clarity, a relief, and a resolution. But if it doesn’t...

Acknowledge your choice: For the next week, I choose to not pursue a nursing degree. I’m not going to exert energy thinking about it, arguing with myself about it, it is a non issue. I am not pursuing this. What’s left? The foraging, the herbalism, the dietetics. This is your stance.

Now that you’ve made that stance, think about the quality. What kind of herbalist am I going to be? How far am I going to take this? What opportunities can I find?

The idea here is that you’ve redirected the energy you would have spent arguing with yourself, and instead are now pointed toward a more productive path. You may circle back to the original decision, but now, you’ve moved forward in the journey instead of being stuck at the beginning quandary. You’ve expanded.

3. Presence

[gingervsblondie]

Blondie Meets the Boss (1939)

11:30 PM, Friday, 20 September 2019

Checked Wikipedia. This movie has the same writer, same director, and same actors as Blondie. No regenerations yet.

Welp, I checked the Wiki article for the last movie in the series, same actors still across the board. 12 years later not only was Penny Singleton still Blondie and Arthur Lake still Dagwood, but Larry Simms was still baby Alexander and the same dog Daisy was still playing their dog whose name is also Daisy. 

So uh. I mean, variety’s out the window. I have committed myself to 27 more movies with all these same people. And dog.

Guess I should stop stalling then and start the damn thing huh.

OH JESUS THERE WERE TWO TV SHOWS.

So.

So there’s 26 episodes of the 1957 series, which kept Arthur Lake as Dagwood and recast everyone else, plus a pilot with someone named Hal Le Roy as Dagwood. The 1968 series had the child actors who played Charlie Brown and Lucy in A Boy Named Charlie Brown, so as a Peanuts fan I have that to look forward to. Peanuts being a comic strip that I’ve actually read extensively. See I could’ve dedicated myself to watching every Peanuts special. But that wouldn’t be funny. Also I probably have already. That series had 14 episodes, 13 of which aired before the show got cancelled.

Which, all in all, seems… maybe do-able?

Jesus that can’t be right, apparently that’s 13 hours of Blondie.

You know what?

This might take longer than I thought.

But I can’t be defeated yet. It’s day one.

It may take me longer than I thought, but I believe I can do this. I can watch all of Blondie.

Not because I want to. Not because anybody asked me too. Not even because it’s a remotely practical thing to do.

But for the goof.

I’ll do it for the goof.

For you.

So let’s keep going, shall we?

Blondie Meets the Boss.

Once I check Wikipedia and make sure there’s nothing else.

...

Alright there’s a radio series with Lake and Singleton. It was concurrent with the movies. There’s 42 half-hour episodes. They’re all on the Internet Archive.

...Fuck. I’m sorry, I’m not committing to those right now. Eventually I’ll get to them. Eventually.

There’s some animated cameos in Popeye and things like that, I’ll skip those until I get all completionist about this when I’ve watched everything else. And there’s two animated specials that Marvel made in the 80s. Those I can watch. I can watch 2 specials.

You know, after the 28 movies.

But before the 40 episodes of TV.

And the 42 episodes of radio.

This seemed less daunting when all I’d said I’d watch was 28 movies. I mean, still daunting, but the horizon was in sight.

Maybe I’m getting ahead of myself. 28 movies. I’ll finish the 28 movies, and then we’ll see about the rest.

ALRIGHT STARTING BLONDIE MEETS THE BOSS NOW.

11:58

So if it’s still the same kid playing Alexander 12 years later, and he’s like 3 in this, that’ll make him 15 by the last movie in 1950.

I don’t think “Baby Dumpling” Alexander can be 15? Unless they go all Outnumbered with it. I’d be down.

12:00 AM, Saturday, 21 September 2019

They got a slow motion camera for this. For a shot of the dog. Not doing like a sick stunt or anything. Just a slow motion shot of the dog walking at regular dog speed.

12:02

Dagwood keeps yelling “Blondie!” in this one. Is that meant to be his catchphrase? Which he didn’t say last time?

12:03

You want to know something funny?

Before I realized what I’d done, I was entertaining the idea of watching, as a follow-up to this endeavor when I’m done with the Blondie movies, every Family Circus special.

But now I know that I won’t be done with Blondie for quite some time.

12:06

Over the summer I watched an episode or two of The Dick Van Dyke Show. I think Mary Tyler Moore and Dick Van Dyke are probably more talented comedians than the stars of Blondie, but so far the premises in Blondie have been more competent from the point of view of structuring comedy. That Dick Van Dyke Show episode didn’t have any kind of pay-off. It was weird. If I’m remembering right, the conflict was that a guy showed up and was annoying, and then at the end he left.

But on the plus side, I don’t have to watch every episode of The Dick Van Dyke Show.

12:10

Blondie just said “You’ll kill yourself!” Still concerned about ole Dick Flournoy.

12:12

ALRIGHT. I’m 7 minutes and 50 seconds in. I’m going to take a break now. I’ll finish it tomorrow. I mean what’s the rush? I’ve got the rest of my life to watch-

I’m not gonna calculate how many hours of Blondie it is in all. I’m not gonna. You can’t make me.

12:29

My dad would probably hate this thing I'm doing. He's always saying "your life is this long," and holding his two fingers up. If he goes on he says something to the tune of "if you spend this much of it on such and such…"

But on the other hand, that one AJR song said "A hundred bad days made a hundred good stories, a hundred good stories make me interesting at parties." 

Well, 28 Blondie movies make one funny statement, that being "I am Euan O'Leary, and I've seen every fucking Blondie movie." 

And I don't go to parties, so.

12:38

See I think the thing of it is: I have seen every Godzilla movie. Because I care about Godzilla. Godzilla Raids Again kick-started my love for filmmaking. Every Godzilla movie puts filmmaking as a craft on display, front and centre. And there's a magic in creating giant monsters from rubber suits and model buildings. The magic that makes filmmaking so appealing, so special to me. Suspension of disbelief.

I have no such feelings about Blondie, because I know nothing about Blondie. The Blondie movies are not particularly culturally significant. In a way I think I'm drawn to them because there are 28 of these things, and I could've gone my whole life without knowing. It wouldn't have come up. I've never met anyone who cared about Blondie, actually cared enough to know that there have been more movies about Blondie than James Bond.

And those 28 movies, I can safely bet having seen one now, are totally unremarkable. It's like how Marcel Duchamp's Readymades were objects that he was completely indifferent to, testing the limits of art by removing passion as much as possible.

Not to say I'm not passionate about watching 27 more of these movies. I relish the challenge. It's gonna be fun.

I'm thinking now I’ll just do the movies, because "I've watched every Blondie movie" is a funnier and easier to understand sentence than "I've consumed every piece of Blondie media except for the comic strip, across live action films, TV series, radio shows and animation."

Yeah. No. That's not a premise. Watching all the movies is a premise. And maybe I'll look at the other things if I'm feeling sentimental about the project and don't want it to end.

That is to say, if at the end of the 28 movies I have somehow metamorphosed into a Blondie fanboy.

Anything's possible.

1:03 PM (The next morning)

Okay, I’ve slept on it now. Time to get back to Blondie. Let’s see how Blondie in the morning compares to Blondie late at night.

1:08

Dagwood just lost his job (for the second time so far in the series.) With no bag or suitcase, he went into his office and started packing all his things into his hat.

What a loveable doofus.

1:13

Okay. So.

The dynamic of this series seems to be that Blondie wears the pants. She’s the dominant one. Whenever Dagwood’s in trouble because he can’t just explain the comedy of errors to whoever he’s in trouble with, Blondie resolves it by asserting herself.

There was just a scene where Dagwood came home having accidentally resigned from his job. Once he’s explained everything to Blondie, she takes off her frilly apron, puts it on him, and says “Whenever I’m miserable, I just take a broom and sweep and sweep! You’ll be surprised how quickly your troubles will disappear.” Dagwood looks dazed, wearing the apron and with the broom in his hand. Blondie puts on her coat and hat, walking determined towards the door to go out and fix everything. “And have a good cry, too. It’ll make you feel better.”

A while back I watched Rebel Without a Cause, the James Dean movie, which features a scene where Dean’s character finds his father cleaning up a mess whilst wearing a frilly apron, wanting to clear it away before Dean’s mother sees. And Dean reprimands him. The implication of the scene is that because his father isn’t asserting his masculinity, and because he’s letting the mother dominate him, he’s depriving his son of a masculine role model and thus traumatizing him. I found this scene pretty repulsive. It’s not just a character acting in a sexist way, it’s a deep-seeded thematic sexism on a philosophical level. It supposes not only that Dean has to aspire to be as strong as his father, and not his mother, but also that men who wear anything like this feminine apron, and it would follow any other feminine clothes, are weak, because women are weak.

Now Blondie is indisputably a strong character. And while I think the scene I just watched was meant to be played for laughs, while it’s meant to be funny that Blondie is suggesting feminine methods of coping with stress to Dagwood, she’s not wrong. “Have a good cry, it’ll make you feel better” is Blondie confidently telling Dagwood to vent his frustrations in a healthy way.

Blondie’s a fucking badass.

1:29

Dagwood’s humiliation at being emasculated is indeed being played for laughs as the movie goes on.

Blondie’s still a badass though.

1:33

Um.

1:36

Snort Watch 2019.

Somebody’s breaking into the Bumsteads’ house. Alexander says “Sic’ em, Daisy!” Daisy (the dog) walks into a cupboard. A little puppet dog hand comes around the door and closes it after her.

1:39

They’re playing up really hard how much everyone is mocking Dagwood for wearing an Apron and letting Blondie take charge. Not a fan of that. Meanwhile, Blondie has ended up getting Dagwood’s job at the office, as a result of her showing more strength and confidence than him.

I’m trying to process that.

1:44

Reminds me of that one Rocko’s Modern Life episode where Bev Bighead takes over at Ed’s office job.

1:46

More infidelity.

1:48

Fucking sigh.

I hope not all of these movies are about Dagwood accidentally looking like he’s out with other women behind Blondie’s back and then getting in trouble with Blondie over it.

1:56

Ohp. Nope. This time it’s actual infidelity. Dagwood just kissed some girl.

1:58

Apparently there were horse-drawn taxis in 1939.

Speaking of which: This movie released March 9th. 6 months to go until World War Two starts.

2:02

Blondie and Dagwood sleep in separate beds. Do any couples still sleep in separate beds? I think I’ve only ever seen that in old movies.

2:05

Dagwood Sandwich Watch 2019:

Blondie made this one. It looks like a cake.

2:06

“I’d be tempted to kill. Yes. Drown Baby Dumpling, and myself too.” -Blondie.

Y’okay there Dick? I’m worried about you.

2:11

There’s a bit where Blondie looks at a camera with the initials F. R. written on it. My mind auto-completed Franklin Roosevelt. Blondie asks Dagwood “who goes fishing and has the initials F. R.?” He says “That’s easy, Franklin Roosevelt.”

2:16

Getting film developed. That was also a thing. In the PAST.

2:18

Rotary phones.

Hell, landlines for that matter.

2:24

Dagwood Sandwich Watch 2019:

Alexander made one. It’s really hard to tell what’s in these sandwiches in black and white and 360p.

2:37

Dagwood just accidentally won a swing dancing competition by stumbling on the dance floor trying to run away.

What a loveable doofus.

2:49

Alright, one more down! Blondie Meets the Boss didn’t leave much of an impression beyond the gender politics side of it. More antics. More sandwiches. Life goes on and so does my quest.

My rating is: one Dagwood Sandwich containing a small fish and peanut butter.

Next up is Blondie Takes a Vacation. Which, interestingly enough, follows directly from the plot of Blondie Meets the Boss, which largely revolved around Blondie and Dagwood not being able to take their vacation.

Blondie Takes a Vacation released just 4 months after Blondie Meets the Boss. Which draws my attention to how quickly they cranked these out: There were 3 Blondie movies in 1939, 3 in 1940, 2 in 1941, 3 in 1942, 2 in 1943, 2 in 1945, 2 in 1946, 4 in 1947, 2 in 1948, 2 in 1949 and 2 in 1950. 12 Blondies were released over the course of WW2.

5:54

Hey remember when I mentioned that Blondie and Dagwood sleep in separate beds? Apparently they slept in one bed in the comic strip, and at the time that was shocking. Stumbled upon a list of facts about the strip while I was setting up the blog.

[bunnyandbirb]

Birb’s B-Movies #2: Pass Thru

Neil Breen is a truly visionary actor/producer/director/writer/editor, and the owner of Neil Breen Films, LLC. You may know him from his previous works, Double Down and I am Here….Now. My favorite masterpiece of his is undoubtedly Fateful Findings, the science fiction drama where Neil plays a magical hacker who exposes all “the most secret government and corporate secrets.”

In preparation for his upcoming film, Twisted (set to release in 2018), I decided to sit down and watch the one film that I’ve never seen: Pass Thru (2016) and trust me, this is a work of pure Breenius. The website for the movie describes the movie as such:

“Artificial Intelligence from far into the future arrives to immediately CLEANSE the human species of millions of humans who are harmful to other humans. A VISIONARY, REVOLUTIONARY FILM which pushes the human species to the limits of controversial, thought-provoking actions.”

I have to admit, this is probably the most confusing Breen movie I’ve seen to date (and that’s really saying something.) I honestly don’t even remember the names of any of the characters, but that hardly matters. It has a very similar message to his other films, which he makes sure to hammer into your head so that even if you don’t understand the plot, at least you end up with something. We’ll get into that near the end, though.

The movie starts with overly long mountain/desert landscape shots that were probably taken an hour away from his house, since he lives near Las Vegas. Then something strange happens.

There’s a rock with white paintings on it, and suddenly a giant ginseng root-looking “hand” comes out and delicately prods the paintings with a stick. It then cuts to a random tiger chilling on a cliff above, and then immediately cuts again to two pristine clocks by the rock with some shitty black smoke effect crawling across the screen.

I don’t even get a chance to try to comprehend what these things mean before another series of confusing imagery: walking legs, a girl in her room reading about space, some old man just sitting in the desert with magazines, and then Neil Breen himself, picking up what looks like trash from a party he threw the other night. A red dot appears in the sky, and finally we get our first real dialogue of the film.

It is at this time that I have the horrible realization that everyone in this movie has received thorough direction from Neil Breen on how to read lines off a script. Each syllable is robotically intonated, each word spoken unnaturally slowly and with an awkward pause… nothing anyone says in this movie sounds real. Breen was debatably the worst actor in Fateful Findings, and it seems like he tried really hard to get everyone on his level this time.

Three kids (names unknown) sit around in a room, and the boy has somehow found the red sky dot (which is apparently some kind of signal.) The two girls try to sound excited but somehow manage to sound even more apathetic as they raise their voices. The boy goes from “I’m following the signal!” to “I lost the signal” in literally one second, so I guess he just sucks.

The next few minutes of this movie are just pure chaos. Each scene is somehow too short and at the same time way too long, and the sequence that they’re placed in just makes zero sense whatsoever. Let me just run through them (keep in mind, these are in chronological order):

Neil Breen lies in a pile of his own filth in his trailer.

Neil Breen lies outside in the dirt while some faceless man with a gun pays him to clean up the evidence of a ‘smuggling site’ (i.e. Gatorade bottles and soup cans.)

Some “immigrants” (who just look like tourists) are led through a ravine

Neil Breen wakes up in the dirt with the garbage still around him, finds a dirty syringe and injects it into his arm. He then dies and we get this great special effect: 

The nameless boy calls one of the girls and then proceeds to have an entire conversation by himself. 

A random hand bleeds while it touches barbed wire.

I was confused enough at this point, but then I kept watching and realized that the entire movie is edited like this. Let it be known that I tried three times to write this post while reformatting the events of the story to make them more clear, but it was actually impossible. So instead of trying again, I’m just going to run through the four most hilarious parts of the movie. Honestly, you wouldn’t understand the plot even if I gave more information than this, so to hell with it.

1. The Great Immigration

One plotline involves a group of “immigrants” who are being herded along by human traffickers. The “immigrants” all act like a bunch of middle schoolers on a boring field trip (and are dressed similarly), and are constantly whining: “Where are we going?” “Why do we have to walk so far?” “Stop yelling at us.” The human smugglers in the movie are incredibly incompetent at both smuggling and acting, which makes every one of these scenes a pleasure to watch.

The traffickers filter through the immigrants, stopping a few who happen to be hiding plastic baggies (of what looks like cocaine) under their shirts.) One of them is a woman who is pretending to be pregnant, and is clearly not an actor because she can’t stop smiling in what (I’m assuming) is supposed to be a serious situation. They line up these baggies and start handing them out, designating who they’re going to: lawyers, bankers, “the CEO”, etc. Basically all the people Breen talks shit about in every movie he makes.

Their leader shoots some woman and a kid because she “has absolutely no VALUE for you two on the STREETS.” (Uh, lady, you’re in a desert.) Two of the women manage to escape, even as a man shoots at them at point blank range four times (and apparently misses each time.) Nobody bothers to go after them. The rest of the immigrants are “trapped” in a truck and they all freak out because they clearly cannot escape:

2. Neil Breen cleaning up his house

The two women that escaped from the traffickers stumble into Neil Breen’s trailer, and he invites them to stay with him. For some reason, the women yell everything they say even when they’re standing right next to each other. Also, they vehemently don’t want to stay with him - can’t blame them, really.

In order to convince them to stay, Breen insists that he will “clean it” for them. No words can explain the beauty of this scene, so I have to just show you the clip:

3. Neil Breen “isn’t that corrupt”

Coming to the end of the movie, it’s revealed that Breen is actually an alien artificial intelligence (who has a name, but hell if I remember that much). His mission is to just kill all the humans that he doesn’t like. Okay, he actually said those who “cause harm to other humans,” but isn’t that technically every living human? Whatever, I will not question our lord and savior Neil Breen.

Breen teleports into mansions and inserts himself into conversations with the people that he shit talks all the time (i.e. lawyers, Big Pharma, government officials, bankers, etc. etc.) and just makes everything awkward.

Here’s a transcript of an actual conversation:

A: “I know senior, national elected government officials who I can force my political... *insert pause where she forgets her lines*... bias and influence on fellow politicians to vote my way, for a payoff of course.”

Breen: “ISN’T THAT CORRUPT?”

Everyone: …….

[Breen looks away as everyone else stares at him.]

B: “I know companies that can hack into any government national agency or corporate facility. For the right price, you can get any information that you want. And they don’t need to know why or your reason. These places are so vulnerable and unprotected, and there is no way they can keep up with the technology.”

Breen: “ISN’T THAT CORRUPT?”

Everyone: ……..

This same exact conversation repeats itself until Breen decides to leave, and then the people are like, “Who the fuck was that guy?”

Breen teleports in front of the mansion, fades out of his tuxedo and into his regular janitor clothes, and then waddles away as shitty explosion effects happen in the background.

“If it can be destroyed by the truth, it deserves to be destroyed by the truth,” he says. I’m pretty sure those were not ‘truth explosions,’ but you do you, Neil.

4. The Newsroom and Neil Breen

After that shitshow, Neil decides to make his big move by appearing on some news channel to make his traditional monologue. Throughout the movie, the news anchors have been reporting some very interesting news. Serious criminals, lawyers, bank management, and even accountants have mysteriously vanished overnight.  According to one of the hosts, “It’s as if all the harmful people on Earth are disappearing.” Oh, he also mentioned that “Ignorant reality shows about families, housewives, groups, individuals… those casts are all gone.” So I guess Breen is now lumping the Kardashians with corrupt government officials on his ‘Evil People’ list.”

Neil shows up uninvited onto the news broadcast, and the hosts rightfully call out for security guards. Breen fires back with, “You won’t need security. You’re gone.”

And so they are:

I won’t even try to recount all of the nonsense the Neil says in his speech, but here are the some select quotes:

“I am not of this Earth. I am artificial intelligence from FAR into the future.”

“Human evolution has ended, and there can be no further advancement.”

“I have eliminated 300 million humans from the planet today”

“Violate laws and regulations”

Breen also really loves listing things, as can be witnessed in this single speech.

Neil Breen lists the things he hates (in order within the speech):

Illegal wars

The abuse of the media systems

Films

TV

Radio

The Internet

Violence

Corruption

Political correctness

Fear of the truth

Excuses

Second chances

Third chances

Warnings

Sympathy

Cheats

Thieves

Criminals

Abusers

Corrupters

Dishonest humans

Abusers of:

Other humans

The planet

The environment

Children & animals

Violence

Corruption

Corporate corruption

Failed political systems

Failed judicial systems

Failed educational systems

Failed environmental systems

There are a lot of other hilarious things in this movie aside from these moments.

 Like seriously, what the hell is this:

But I won’t get into any more of the gems from this film, because this has already gone on long enough. Watch it yourself to experience them all.

I’ll be looking forward to Twisted, Neil!

~Stay tuned for nonsense~

- birb

[joyofcrime-elinorhigh]

Powerpuff Grils 2016 REVIEW: Part 1

So for those who are somehow unaware, the Powerpuff Girls has recently gotten a new rebooted series that premiered on Cartoon Network on April 4th 2016. People's opinions have been varied on the series, some people say it's worse that Hitler, while other people are saying that it's worse than the illegitimate lovechild of Hitler and some kind of eviler Super-Hitler. Okay, before you kill I'm obviously joking, but yeah people really REALLY hate this reboot! People are comparing it to Teen Titans Go! While I agree with some of the criticism made I feel people are being a bit...harsh on the reboot. And if you don't like the series I get it. I understand why people wouldn't like this show, it has serious problems. I'm not going to call you hater or anything if you don't like this show. I just want to give my opinion because everybody seems to have unanimously decided that this show is bad and somebody has to have the unpopular opinion. If nobody does then the majority opinion will be seen as fact, and I believe that there is always pros and cons to any piece of art. All I ask is that you don't hate me to much for having this opinion. I'll respect you and you respect me, and if you have some thoughts about the reboot leave it in the comments bellow, I would love to have a  civil discussion about it. Also I will be breaking this review up into multiple parts because have a lot I want to talk about. And if you don't want to read something this long that's fine, but if you like deep analyses about a cartoon for children and watching some idiot try to be insightful and funny than strap on in and get ready, this is my Review of the 2016 Powerpuff Girls Reboot. Point One: The Talent Behind the Show. It must suck to be Craig McCracken. According to the man himself Cartoon Network did approach him to be in charge of the reboot but he declined because of him contract with Disney. Than Wander Over Yonder ends and he's out of a job and has to watch commercials for the new Powerpuff Girls show, that could of been his new job but he said no. This isn't even I joke I kind of feel bad for him. Anyway on to the point, a lot of people where angry that Craig McCracken is not in charge of the reboot, saying that without the original creator of the show the series cannot be good, as the 98' series dropped in quality according to most fans after he left the show after season four to work on Foster's. I understand this argument but I disagree with it. This show is a reboot. Now everyone has a different internal definition of what is and isn't a reboot, but to me a reboot is when you take the same characters but set the story in a new universe, while changing the details of the show to fit a new tone or style. In my opinion getting Craig McCracken back to remake his own show doesn't make much sense because he most likely wouldn't make the show that different form the 98' series. Craig McCracken may have created the girls but personally I would mind seeing some new talented artist put there own spin on the property. Powerpuff Girls has always been a franchise, remember Powerpuff Girls Z? People are getting so mad at this reboot and it's not even the only reboot. People seem to only care about who isn't working on the show in stead of focusing on who is. This show has some good people being it, such as Bob Boyle who worked on "Clarance" and created "Wow Wow Wubzy", Nick Jenning's who was an art director on "Adventure Time", and painted many of the title cards, and Julia Vickman the creator of the popular pilot "12 Forever." While Craig McCracken has criticized the show for not getting the original voice cast back, and criticized a few bad looking shots he has given this show his blessing, at least according to voice of the Mayor himself, Tom Kenny. I mean it's possible Tom Kenny was lying and Craig McCracken doesn't approve of the show but I see no reason to assume this. And speaking of the voice cast... Point Two: The Voice Cast. I'm going to be honest, I'm a little disappointed in the choice of voice cast, but not necessarily for the reasons you might think. I think they should of changed more. I was hoping for a fresh, new interpretation of the characters of the Powerpuff Girls universe, but in stead we're just getting the same voices we already got for six seasons. And if you wanted the old actors back that's fine, I understand why. The old show had an all star cast of great voice actors but for me and what I was looking for I was a little let down. What I kind of don't get though is why everybody is mad at the new voice actors when there are only a few new voices and 90% of the cast are people from the original series, but whatever. I don't mind the new voices for the girls honestly, I mean there not great but I wouldn't call them bad. Kristen Li is probably my favorite of the new voice actress, as she just has a really cute voice. Though I will admit she can't really yell very well in the Bubbles voice, which makes things kind of awkward when things are suppose to be intense or if she's suppose to be angry. Haley Mancini is a lot less whiny in her version of Princess, whether or not that's a plus or not is up to you. Jennifer Hale is now Miss Bellum and she seems about the same as Jennifer Martin, at least to me. There's a lot controversy over the original actresses for the girls not being called back to reprise there roles. While I find weird that everybody except them was called back I just don't feel like this is a big issue. They've talked about how there mad that they weren't even offered there old roles back but why should they automatically get first dibs? Just because they voiced them in the old show? They don't own the characters, and on the matter of Bubbles Tara Strong wasn't even the ORIGINAL voice, Kath Soucie was (She voiced Bubbles in the pilot, technically making her the ORIGINAL voice.) I mean just because an old cast member is still willing to reprise a role doesn't mean they always get it, and they way they seemed so angry about it on social media just seems weird to me. I mean it's not like when Ben Affleck was announced to voice Batman in "Batman v Superman" Christian  Bale went on twitter was all like "Well, I didn't order a stab in the heart today!" It would be like if in the upcoming "Justice League Action" people where angry that they didn't get Adam West back to voice Batman. I mean he was the original voice of animated Batman and he still does voice acting. I don't want to be mean to these actors, as they did pretty much voice my childhood, I just really don't understand why these actors seemed to think they deserved first dibs on this show. If you wanted the old cast back I'm not bashing you at all, I would never do that. They are great voice actors, I just feel like this whole controversy was handled very unprofessionally (But what the heck do I know?) Point Three: The Animation. I want to make it clear here that I'm not going to just blindly praise everything in this show. If I did that I would lose all my credibility as a critic and I've only had that credibility for four paragraphs so far. Anyway back on point I think the animation has it's advantages and it's disadvantages. The colors are really bright and the girls are particular in this version which makes things even brighter. This is actually a flaw to the show, at least for me, because it can often come off as to bright. That being said scene at night or with special lighting makes things look really awesome! The dark colors contrast the bright colors and looks really good. It feels like the writers knows this because a lot of episodes seem to take place at night, or in the rain, or with some kind of special lighting, so they do work to there strengths. Now that being said that doesn't mean the animation is always good. If you look online you will see a lot of awkward shots of off model animation or janked up perspectives. I don't mind this two much as there usually on screen for less than a second but technically speaking it's not very good,. Granted a lot of shows have animation errors, but this series seems to have a lot more than other shows Cartoon Network out there. My theory is that it's because it's a lot of modern animators with 90's character designs and they don't know how to draw in that style as well as they would a modern style. There's also one scene where they use a live action stock photo as a background and while that is bad, especially sense it wasn't even treated like a joke it was only one joke and it was in a dream scene where things are suppose to look off. It's not like in Teen Titans Go! Where they use stock photos as backgrounds all the time, so I don't feel like it's anything to get that worked up about. The designs of the characters are pretty much the same as the old show except more circular. Bubbles has scrunches now, which I like because now there's an actual reason on why and how Bubbles has her pigtails. Buttercup has a cow lick and Blossoms bow is bigger, but those differences are so small I'm not even sure if there worth talking about in detail. I like the changes, again I wish they altered the designs more, especially with the villains. I mean look how different the characters look in each TMNT or Batman incarnation. Now the biggest problem with the animation is that for some reason the animation is really slow. I don't get why as the theme song music video has some of the most fluid animation I've ever seen in a Cartoon Network series. This slow animation really hinders the action sequences and I really hope this improves in later episodes. I mean some fight scene look good but it could definitely use some work. The impact of the punches just don't feel like they have the same amount of weight as they should and it makes the girls feel a lot less strong than in the old show. Granted this show focuses on the fight scenes a lot less than in the old series but I still think it's a pretty big problem. And that is part one of my multi-part Powerpuff Girl reboot series review. I know I haven't really talked much about the show yet but other people have been talking about these points for months and I just wanted to give my opinions on what other people have been saying. If you disagree with my point that's fine, I'm not try to convince people to agree with me, I just want to show a new view point, and show that not everyone has to like or hate something for the same reasons. I hope that even if you disagree with me you still found this review entertaining. What do you think of the new reboot? I would love to know in the comments (as long as we can keep it civil.) Part two should be up soon, where I'll talk about the show proper. Please Fav, follow and comment if you liked this review and tell me if you would want me to do more of these. Since I can do this all on my tablet it would not effect Elinor High or Joy of Crime in anyway as of right now. And if you like things like this maybe check out some episodes of my Cartoon Thought series (sorry if I may have repeated some things from my Reboot Cartoon Thought and my PPG Cartoon Thought, but I feel it was kind of inevitable.

DA Link: https://www.deviantart.com/joyofcrimeart/journal/Powerpuff-Girls-2016-REVIEW-Part-1-602969689

[chroniclesofawkwardness]

Carnival

My heart sang and my spirits soared, as only a child’s can. I said only two words. The man in the mask one less:

- Hey Batman.

- Hey.

I don’t know why his response made me so happy. Batman starring Michael Keaton came out when I was eight or nine, and I never really got into Batman: The Animated Series when it graced weekday afternoon television screens on Fox during my preteen and teen years. Maybe his single word reminded me that I could still feel a bit of childhood nostalgia almost thirty years later. Maybe it was the mere fact someone acknowledged me when I’d grown accustomed to leaving swallowed words unspoken, or giving up too soon when trying to make my voice heard among a baker’s dozen of my peers.

I have…

What abou...

Yeah, bu…

And so on. Day after day. Year after year. 

I’ve often been guilty (I still am from time to time) of just waiting for my turn to speak instead of really listening to another person whenever they’re talking to me. I used to mentally obsess over getting so many little things right, e.g. what I was wearing, how my hair looked, even remembering a clever line from the last movie I watched or book I read — then trying to work it into a conversation for a laugh, while silently praying that no one would immediately recognize the line and call me out on it. I’d miss so many other more important things, things that turned out to be more valuable than my clothes, my hair, or my recall and timing. I’d talk really fast because I was paranoid about being interrupted. I’d make wild and ridiculous gestures with my hands because I felt like I had to do something crazy in order to make the story, and myself, stick in the other person’s mind. I’d break eye contact by looking down instead of away or pin the other person by standing so close to them that they didn’t have an escape route. I was quietly desperate for conversations and connections, but my body language communicated otherwise. I had the verbal part down, or at least an ability to recall someone else’s thoughts before creating my own. Physically, however, my lower half might as well have been Riverdancing while I was popping and locking above my equator. 

I was a mess. 

Maybe the mess I was is why Batman’s response was so gratifying. I stood up straight, kept my eyes forward, and said, “Hey Batman” without really caring whether he responded or not. I found myself wondering how Batman and the magician on stage a few feet away had scored gigs at an elementary school carnival, but even that thought was secondary to the small victory I’d won against myself, by saying hello to the Caped Crusader from a place of conviction. 

Working the raffle table at a big-city elementary school carnival was quite an experience. Having grown up in an area where most people looked and talked just like me, seeing different styles of dress and seeing hearing many different languages was a welcome change. One thing that never seems to change though, is kids’ love of video games. The raffle’s most popular prizes were by far its two Nintendo Switches. 

Gift bags were lined up like a colorful chorus line on a table. Kids filled out tickets with their names, grades, and teacher’s name then placed them in the bag(s) that corresponded to the prize(s) they wanted to win. Of course, no one told them about the cardboard box we kept out of sight under the table. The box was full of tickets that kids had already filled out for a shot at one of the Switches. I wish I could have told the kids that the deception ended there. I wish I could have told them that Batman, Belle, and Wonder Woman were really college students in their twenties whose true superpowers didn’t extend much beyond the ability to consume massive quantities of alcohol without feeling side effects the next day. I wish I’d told the kids their parents felt the carnival was bullshit. I would have gladly welcomed the “You’re not my dad” taunts. 

I wish I could have, but I didn’t.

Why did I feel this way? What would have really changed if I’d told the kids the truth about what was going on? Nintendo had gotten their hooks in me when I was their age. I remember blowing on cartridges that didn’t work the first time I put them into the console, making it all the way to the Super Bowl in the original Tecmo Bowl and praying my dad wouldn’t come downstairs and turn it off because he wanted to watch television, and of course the Contra code for thirty lives. Why would I have deprived these kids of a modern twist on the same experience?

Something about Batman saying hey reminded me of what it was like to be a kid when something so simple could bring me so much joy. Part of me wanted to tell the kids that the man in the bat suit could be an asshole, but how would I know? Why would I fill their heads with talk of glass ceilings for women and glass cellars for men? I’m sure the mass media will try to beat the creativity and joy out them for me if they buy into it. One part of me wanted to prepare them for that by teaching them to think critically by looking (literally) behind the mask. Another part thought it best just to leave it alone and let them discover that for themselves. Isn’t self-discovery the only way anything ever sticks?

I went into the carnival thinking I’d want to kill myself after about five minutes. I’d pictured bratty, disobedient children screaming things like “Mom! He started it!” Or, “Somebody bit the head off of my animal cracker! Oh GAWD!!!” Surprisingly, that’s (mostly) not what happened. The kids were pretty chill, which made the cynic in me wonder if their Ritalin or other chemical cocktails had kicked in yet. I thought about how it seemed we were just becoming aware of Attention Deficit Disorder when I was in elementary school, but it either hadn’t been invented yet or had a much scarier nineteenth-century-sounding name when my parents were kids. If Cerebral Palsy used to be called Spastic Rigidity, I can imagine Attention Deficit Disorder once having been known as Graham’s Destructive Attentive Malfeasance, or something even more menacing. 

Send in the novelists, parents, and trumpeters of calm. God forbid we scare anybody, or call something what it is. Let’s just make everything seem soft and cuddly. Safe and warm. Asexual and neutered.

The thoughts that ran through my head were as diverse as the languages I heard spoken that day. I wanted periodically to scream to those future generations, “Don’t be like me” while pretending to wish them well, and lying when I said I hoped everybody won. I knew real-life wasn’t like t-ball.

But I kept that to myself.

At the same time, I wanted to yell at those kids to have the time of their lives. I thought a lot about the trajectory of my own life since the days when the mere sight of, or acknowledgment from, a man or woman in an unapologetically cartoonish suit was enough to send me over the moon, just like Batman had almost done for me that day.

Maybe, just maybe, the best piece of advice I could’ve given would have been to tell those kids to play on their Nintendo Switches, eat their Nestle Toll House Semi-Sweet Chocolate Morsels for dinner, and snack on their Late July Organic Classic Saltine Crackers before bed. If they let products like these get their hooks in them as I had, pulling them out as an adult – choosing their passions over perfect prescriptions – would lead them to a carnival lasting the rest of their lives.

I would wish to deprive those kids of something. My hope for them is that they’re not called to action by a signal like Batman’s, but they’re the beam on which the signal shines, lighting up their own skies.