#I’ve spent thousands and thousands trying to look like everyone else

[fair-dinkum-mechanic]

I don’t think my arms are big enough

[hoshifighting]

    cold hearted!jeonghan + virginity loss

— after the rumors spread about Jeonghan, the coldest guy in the university, having the biggest crush on you, you ask him to be your first.

WARNINGS: +18, smut, virginity loss, oral (f. receiving), fingering, penetrative sex, begging, protected sex.

KINKTOBER MASTERLIST

it feels almost too easy.

you’ve spent years skirting around the idea, dropping hints here and there to guys you thought could be good enough, but somehow it never worked out. none of them felt right—not that it was about romance, but the hesitation always lingered when it came down to it. maybe it was nerves, maybe it was the wrong guys, but the frustration built up to the point where you just wanted to get it over with.

and then there’s jeonghan.

the guy everyone whispers about, cold-hearted, unapproachable, but with a reputation that’s impossible to ignore. girls gossiping in between lectures, bathrooms filled with whispers of him being distant yet insanely attractive. and somewhere along the line, you heard it—the rumor that he had the fattest crush on you.

the thought of it festered in your mind for weeks. yo know him, a few polite exchanges, some assignments you did together, pairing up on p.e... there’s a confidence in your gut that he’ll say yes.

you hadn’t planned on showing up at his dorm unannounced, yet here you are, standing outside jeonghan’s door with a racing heart and sweaty palms. knocking felt surreal, like a dream you might regret later, but you do it anyway because you’re desperate. a familiar, twisted excitement coils low in your stomach when you hear footsteps, and the door swings open to reveal jeonghan—leaning against the frame, as nonchalant as ever.

“what’s up?” he asks, eyes scanning your face like he’s trying to read your thoughts. the casualness in his voice makes you almost forget why you’re here. almost.

“can i come in?” you stammer.

he steps aside without a word, allowing you to slip past him into the small room. his dorm smells faintly of laundry detergent and something minty. it’s tidy, too—unexpectedly so.

“this is new,” he says, sitting on the edge of his bed, arms folded, watching you. “you showing up here and all.”

you laugh nervously, wringing your hands as you stand awkwardly in the middle of the room. “yeah, well… i’ve been thinking.”

his eyebrow quirks up, like he’s daring you to keep going. but you hesitate, biting your lip, trying to find the right words. you’ve played this conversation out in your head a thousand times, but now, under his steady gaze, everything feels impossible to say.

he tilts his head. “you’re not here to ask me about the assignment, are you?”

“no,” you blurt, suddenly sitting down on the chair next to his bed. you can’t meet his eyes. “it’s… something else.”

silence stretches between you. jeonghan waits, patient, but there’s something flickering in his expression now—curiosity, maybe.

you take a deep breath, your voice shaky but determined. “i want you to be my first.”

his eyes widen, and for the first time, jeonghan looks genuinely caught off guard. “what?”

“i… i want to lose my virginity.” you blurt out, no point in dancing around it anymore. you’ve been holding onto this for years, and you’re tired. tired of hearing your friends share their stories, tired of feeling left behind.

“you want me to do it?” he shakes his head, leaning back on his elbows, processing your words. “so what, you just wanna pop your cherry and bounce?”

“no!” you shake your head quickly, heart pounding as you try to explain. “i just… i don’t want my first time to be with some asshole. everyone else would treat me like a joke. but you… you wouldn’t, right?” your voice is small, and you hate how vulnerable you sound, but it’s true. jeonghan might have a reputation, but he’s never been cruel.

he closes his eyes, tipping his head back against the wall. inside, you can tell he’s thrilled—maybe he’s been dreaming about this. but the mask he wears is cold, detached, like he’s doing you a favor.

“you’re serious?” he asks, voice low.

“yeah,” you whisper.

he doesn’t move for a moment, just staring at you, like he’s deciding whether or not to believe you. then, slowly, he leans in, his face inches from yours. his breath is warm, and your heart skips a beat. it’s almost too much to handle, and you blink up at him, your voice a nervous squeak.

“are you… are you gonna kiss me?”

jeonghan furrows his brow, like it’s the dumbest question he’s ever heard. “what, you thought i was just gonna—” he stops, and you see the slightest flicker of a smile. “—get straight to it?”

you shrink into yourself a little, cheeks burning. “maybe?”

he chuckles, a low, rumbling sound that makes your stomach twist. “nah, you’re way too cute for that.”

before you can respond, his lips are on yours—wet, sloppy, and everything you didn’t expect. there’s no rush, no hurried fumbling. just him, kissing you slow and deep, making sure you feel everything. his hand moves to the back of your neck, pulling you closer as you melt into the kiss, your body buzzing.

then, he takes your hand, guiding it down to his lap, pressing it against the hard length straining through his sweatpants. you freeze, your breath hitching at the sudden contact.

“feel that?” he murmurs against your lips, voice husky. “that’s going inside you.. do you think you can take it.”

your fingers curl around him instinctively, squeezing just enough to make him groan softly. “i can.” you bite your lip.

“still sure about this?” he asks, his breath heavy.

you nod.

jeonghan's hands are all over you, moving so effortlessly, and before you know it, your clothes are off, tossed somewhere in the room. he’s slow, but it’s not the kind of slow that makes you feel exposed—more like he’s savoring the moment, taking his time like he’s got all night. and maybe he does.

when he spreads your legs, the sudden awareness of what’s happening, of how vulnerable you are, hits you. you instinctively cover your face with your hands, but you can still feel his eyes on you, taking in every inch of your body.

“cute,” he murmurs. “you hiding from me now?”

your breath catches in your throat, but you peek through your fingers to see him smirking, looking like he’s in complete control. and maybe that’s what makes it less terrifying—he’s not rushing. he’s not judging. he’s just... there.

when his head dips between your thighs, you tense, unsure of what to expect. your heart races, and you let out a shaky breath as his mouth hovers over you, his warm breath ghosting over your already wet folds. then he licks, slow and slick, and you almost orgasm there, the warm tongue on your clit making your eyes slightly roll back.

“fuck,” you gasp, your hands clutching the sheets beside you, your face burning.

he pulls back slightly, lips glistening, his eyes locking with yours. “relax,” he says. “we’ve barely started.”

and then his tongue is back, sliding through every fold, licking with a patience that’s almost agonizing. he’s focused, making sure you feel everything—every lick, every brush of his lips, every soft kiss to your inner thigh between his slow, sensual movements.

your chest heaves as you try to process the sensations, but it’s overwhelming. this is what you’ve been missing out on all these years? the thought is almost laughable now, especially when he sucks on your clit, gently at first, then harder, leaving it swollen and pulsing.

“oh my god,” you cry out, the sound escaping you before you can stop it.

jeonghan grins against you, winking naughty, and as if to rub it in, he gives your clit a playful suck, sending you squealing. he looks up at you, still grinning. “you like that?”

you don’t even answer, can’t answer, because your brain is too fogged up. you can’t think, can barely breathe, and he hasn’t even started properly yet.

his hand travels down between your legs, and he presses a finger against your slick entrance, not pushing in just yet, just applying pressure, teasing. “have you ever had your little fingers here?” he asks curious.

your face burns at his words, but you nod “just one finger,” you admit, shy and sly, like a secret you’re embarrassed to reveal.

the way you say it—so sweet, so unsure—makes him throb inside his sweatpants. he exhales heavily, eyes darkening as he pushes his finger inside, just the tip at first, slowly. “just one, hmm?”

you bite your lip, nodding as he slides the rest of his finger in. the sensation is new, unfamiliar, but not uncomfortable, his finger is a bit longer than yours. he’s careful, attentive even, and that’s what makes you relax into the feeling.

“you’re so tight,” he mutters as he adds a second finger, stretching you out even more. you wince slightly at the stretch, but the way he curls his fingers inside you, scissoring them slowly, almost instantly makes the discomfort melt.

your hips buck instinctively as he works you open, his movements precise, his eyes fixed on you like he’s studying every reaction. “how’s that feel?”

“good,” you breathe, the word slipping out before you can stop it.

he chuckles softly, his free hand moving up to caress your thigh as his fingers pump in and out of you, his pace maddeningly slow. “you’re getting impatient, aren’t you?”

you whine in response, your voice shaky. “take your clothes off,” you mumble, your neediness evident in your tone.

jeonghan pauses, amusement flickering in his eyes. “hmm? what’s that?”

“take them off,” you repeat, a little more urgent this time, your voice coming out in a needy whine.

he grins, leaning over you, his face inches from yours. “patience, baby,” he says, his voice soft, but there’s a teasing edge to it. “you really wanna see me naked that bad?”

you nod, shameless now, your body craving the sight of him, the feeling of him against you. he’s been teasing you for too long, and it’s driving you insane.

“just wait a little longer,” he says, his tone mock-sulky, like he’s the one being deprived. but there’s a smile playing on his lips, and you can tell he’s enjoying this, the way you’re practically begging for him.

his fingers curl inside you again, hitting a spot that has you arching off the bed, a soft moan escaping your lips. “you’re so cute like this,” he mutters, pressing a kiss to your inner thigh as he works a third finger inside you, stretching you even more.

you whimper at the new stretch, your body trembling, but it’s the good kind of overwhelming now. the kind that has you clenching around him, needing more.

“jeonghan...” you whisper, your voice breathless, desperate.

he smirks, his thumb brushing over your clit as he scissoring his fingers inside you, spreading you open. “i love seeing you like this,” he murmurs. “all wet for me, begging like that.”

you don’t even care how wrecked you sound when you plead, “please, jeonghan. take them off.”

he laughs softly, shaking his head. “soon,” he says, his voice dripping with promise. “just let me enjoy this a little more.”

jeonghan keeps his fingers inside you, watching every twitch of your body as you clench around him, so tight he almost groans himself. you’re so close, it’s written all over your face, but you don’t even seem to notice it—lost somewhere, breathing heavily but not quite there yet. and he’s not about to let you drift off when you’re so close to cum.

“mm, baby,” he murmurs, his fingers moving just a little faster, curling them in that spot he’s already learned by heart. “you don’t even know, do you?”

you blink, dazed, barely processing his words, but then you feel his lips on your nipple—a soft peck at first, then a sharp bite that has you gasping, your hips jerking against his hand.

“there you are,” he smirks, teeth grazing over your sensitive skin as he feels you clench around his fingers again, tighter this time. “you were drifting away, but i need you right here with me. focus.”

your body reacts instantly, the tension building again, winding tighter and tighter until you can’t hold back anymore. his fingers pump in and out, wet and slick with your dampness, and the obscene sound of it fills the room as he brings you right to the edge.

“fuck, jeonghan—” your voice is shaky, barely holding it together as your hips start moving on their own, grinding down onto his hand. you’re not even sure when it happens, but suddenly, the tight coil inside you snaps, and you’re coming hard around his fingers, your body tensing, then releasing all at once.

“oh my god,” you cry out, your back arching off the bed as you orgasm, wet and messy. you’re so slick that his fingers slide easily in and out, coated in the creamy evidence of your cum. jeonghan’s eyes are glued to you, watching the way your body trembles, how soaked you are, and the satisfied smirk on his face says it all.

“so fucking wet,” he murmurs, almost like he’s talking to himself, fingers still buried deep inside you. he slows down his movements, letting you ride out the aftershocks of your orgasm, his thumb brushing lazily over your clit. “you didn’t even realize how close you were, huh?”

you shake your head, still trying to catch your breath, your mind foggy from the bliss.

he leans down, pressing a soft kiss to your thigh, his eyes flicking up to yours. “wanna see me take it all off now?” he teases, pulling his fingers out slowly, letting you feel every inch of them as they slip free. your breath hitches, still sensitive, but you nod eagerly, the post-orgasmic haze making you a little desperate.

“please,” you whisper, your voice a little hoarse, but the need is clear.

he grins, sitting up and tugging his shirt off halfway, but he pauses, eyes scanning the room. “wait a second,” he says, a bit too casual, as he starts searching around for something.

“what are you doing?” you ask, frustration creeping into your voice. he’s making you wait, again, and you’re about to protest when he holds up a condom, waving it in front of you with a satisfied smirk.

“can’t forget this,” he says, climbing back onto the bed.

you roll your eyes, still breathless, but your gaze drops to his chest as he slides the shirt the rest of the way off. his hand runs slowly down his chest, over his belly, and lower still to the waistband of his sweatpants.

“calm down,” he teases, his voice sweet, noticing the way your eyes are locked on his every move. “i’m not going anywhere.”

your breath hitches as he pulls his pants and boxers down, finally revealing himself to you. his cock is hard, flushed, and slick with precum, and you can’t stop yourself from staring.

“fuck, you’re pretty,” you mutter under your breath, barely aware you said it out loud until you see the way his lips curl into a grin.

“you’re the pretty one,” he counters, his voice soft as he strokes himself once, twice, before rolling the condom on. his eyes flick up to yours again, playful but with a hint of seriousness. “ready?”

you nod, your body buzzing as he lines himself up with your entrance. he slides the tip inside, and you both groan at the contact. it’s slow at first, his cock pushing into you inch by inch, and you can feel the stretch, how full he’s making you feel already.

but then, right when he’s halfway in, you gasp, “wait—stop.”

he freezes instantly, his eyes searching your face. “you okay?”

instead of answering, your hand slips between your bodies, wrapping around the base of his cock. the sudden contact makes him shudder, and he squeezes his eyes shut, groaning low in his throat. you give him a little shake, feeling the hardness of him pulsing in your hand, then slowly start guiding him deeper inside you.

you guide him in slowly, inch by inch, until your hand has nowhere else to go, and he's buried completely inside you, balls deep. you’re panting, your body adjusting to the size of him, and when you pout your lips for a kiss, jeonghan leans in without hesitation, pressing his lips to yours, swallowing the little scoff you let out between moans. the sensation of him stretching you so perfectly has your head spinning.

he pulls back slightly, eyes glued to yours as he starts moving, his hips rolling in slow thrusts. it’s a sharp sting at first, but nowhere near as painful as you expected, and the more he moves, the more that sting fades, replaced by a growing heat that makes your breath catch in your throat.

you don’t even notice the way your lips curl into the nastiest grin, like you finally got what you’ve been wanting, and you’re enjoying every second of it. jeonghan sees it though, sees the way your expression shifts from tentative to pure satisfaction, and it drives him fucking wild. his steady thrusts falter for a second, and he has to bite down on the inside of his cheek to keep himself in check.

“fuck,” he breathes, his voice shaky as he watches you. “you look like you’re having the time of your life right now.”

you moan in response, not even trying to hide it anymore. “i am.”

that’s all the encouragement he needs. his thrusts pick up, sharper now, deeper, and with each roll of his hips, his balls slap against your ass. the bed squeaks in time with his movements, but you barely notice, too caught up in the pleasure. your moans spill out freely, louder and more unrestrained, each one sending a jolt straight to his gut.

jeonghan’s losing it, the sight of you, the sound of you—it’s gonna replay in his mind for days, haunting him like a ghost, but right now, he’s not thinking about that. right now, all he can focus on is the way your body feels underneath him, how you seem to want this just as much as he does. his hips move faster, thrusts sharper and more purposeful, and fuck, you’re taking it all so well.

“god, you—” he groans, his voice strained. “you feel so fucking good. you don’t even know.”

his pace quickens, his hips rolling harder, and you gasp, your body arching up to meet him halfway. he’s hitting all the right spots now, and your moans turn into desperate little cries, your fingers gripping the sheets as you lose yourself in the feeling.

he notices how much you like it—how your body responds to every sharp thrust, how your moans get louder, and that nasty smile on your face only grows. it’s too much for him, but he tries to bury the overwhelming need down in his gut, focusing on fucking you just right.

but even then, he can’t help it—the more you react, the more he loses control, his hips working in sharper, stronger thrusts, the rhythm getting rougher as he chases that perfect high for both of you.

“you like that?” he asks, his voice rough, but the way your body clenches around him is answer enough.

he can’t help but smirk at your desperate little gasps. each thrust brings a little more pleasure, and your nails dig into his back, urging him on as you match his pace.

“more,” you whimper, the need spilling from your lips like a prayer. “please, jeonghan, don’t stop.”

he chuckles, making your heart race. “as if I could,” he replies, picking up the pace even more. you feel that familiar heat pooling deep inside you again.

he can’t help but lean down, pressing a kiss to your neck as he continues to rock into you, relishing in every little sound that escapes your mouth.

“that’s it,” he murmurs against your skin, his breath hot. “let me hear you.”

your moans grow louder, echoing off the walls as you feel the pressure building within you again. your body thrums with need as you claw at him, the sensation of him filling you completely making everything else fade away. you’re lost in him, in this moment, and nothing else matters.

“i’m so close,” you manage to gasp, your words barely coherent as your hips start moving on their own, desperate for that release.

jeonghan feels it, too—your body tightening around him, the way you’re pushing back against him, and it drives him crazy. he grips your hips tighter, controlling your movements, thrusting deeper, harder, pushing you right to the edge.

“cum pretty, cum f’me,” he urges sultry, and you can feel that heat building to a boiling point.

“jeonghan—” your voice breaks, and just like that, you’re falling, you’re gripping him tightly, your body spasming as you cum, crying out his name as everything blurs into a haze.

“that’s it, baby,” he groans, his own pleasure rising as he watches you unravel beneath him. “so fucking beautiful.”

the way your body squeezes him as you ride out your orgasm sends him over the edge, and he follows you, thrusting harder as he lets go, filling the condom as you both collapse.

you both lie there for a moment, breathless, the only sounds filling the room are your mingled breaths and the soft creaking of the bed. jeonghan brushes a strand of hair away from your face, a lazy grin spreading across his lips as he looks down at you.

“so, do I get to be the one who pops that cherry again sometime?”

“if you’re lucky,” you tease bakc, but deep down, you know you’re both hooked, and this was just the beginning.

[vyadeity]

Being Army Can Be Exhausting

Some Army are going to hate me for this but at this point I don’t care.

First off, I really don’t expect anyone to read this and that’s fine because I expect it.

There seem to be some very blatant rules in being Army that I feel either get misconstrued or are enfrorced with iron fist and if not followed….well are you even Army? I’ve been Army for years but sometimes we can be toxic as all get out.

This of course doesn’t apply to all Army. Get it? Got it? Good. If you’re sensitive, leave. I’m not debating or arguing with anybody.

Now, I’ve made a few notes, walk with me here:

BTS Only!

Yeah, no. I’ve been a K-pop fan for 14 years now and I’ve seen this sentiment come and go. Guess what? It never sticks. While I love BTS, they aren’t the only group to ever exist. It may feel that way to a lot of Army, it’s simply not true. You liking other groups doesn’t make me or you any less Army. Sorry not sorry.

And while I’ve only ever loved two other groups as much as BTS (honestly I don’t see that changing), I’m not cutting off an industry because of some bs If Multi Not Army rule reinforced by some.

Being a Multi is not some grand betrayal to BTS.

Buy Everything, We Must Support!

I simply can’t express how much I disagree with this! You know how many people can’t “afford” to be Army if that’s the case?

This shit is expensive lol. It’s not for the faint of heart. While I’m fortunate to be able to fund my support for them, I very much recognize that it’s not the case for everyone. BigHit drops merchandise almost on the daily! Between BTS, solo endeavors, TinyTan and BT21 our money is vanishing out of our wallets monthly.

Now have I spent a good amount of money on BTS merchandise? Yep! Official and unofficial, I sure have. Even spent a good amount of money on both my BTS tatts. Is what it is. But again, that’s a privilege I recognize. Some Army can only show their support through YouTube streams. Why? They’re free. And I’m sure BTS appreciates them all the same.

The pressure to keep up with other Army financially is enormous and even if you don’t subscribe to that way of thinking, you’ve surely seen it.

“Look at my decked out BTS themed room or apartment!”

“I bought Gucci/LV/Dior because now that BTS are brand ambassadors I have to show my support!”

Good on them but good God. Next thing you know, you’ve spent thousands of dollars trying to keep up and living on ramen packets but it’s okay because…I dunno…Army? No! Get a white T-shirt, a permanent marker, write BTS across the front and call it a day. Again, you’re just as much Army as anyone else.

They’re a Solo! Stone Them!

Shut up!

This is my biggest gripe with this fandom.

They’re a solo, so what? It doesn’t automatically mean that they hate the rest of the group. I know, I’m cool with a few of them. Not all Solos are created equal. You people have turned them on par with Satan and it’s nowhere near that serious.

Sometimes, you gel with one member and one member only. Sorry people, that’s just true for some. Nothing against the other members at all.

And yes yes, they are some extremely problematic solos out there. Not negating that. I specifically talking about the ones that aren’t.

Have I personally been called a solo? No but that’s because I rarely express my views on anything BTS because you will be attacked for it if it’s not the most positive glowing view.

Also the things I’ve seen on X, Instagram, TikTok and here have shown me some of the idiotic reasons people are labled solos. These are the reasons I see the most on my side of these platforms:

“You only post one of two members”

It’s called having biases, have we forgotten about that?

“You only buy music from one member!”

My wallet, my prerogative. I love the group’s music but not all them seperatley. Oooo I said it!

Solo music wise I regularly listen to Joonie, Jimin, Yoongi and Jungkook’s music. I don’t necessarily vibe with Hobi, Tae and Jin’s music. I don’t dislike their music, it’s just not for me. But I do buy the albums in show of support.

“You only watch content with certain members and not others!!”

This goes back to my initial point, sometimes you gel with certain members more than others. I gravitate, like we all do, to certain personalities. It’s just that simple.

There’s also burnout. I can’t watch everything because I do sometimes get sick of them! Love them to Jin’s moon and back but sometimes, I need a break. Get over it!

Live, Laugh, Love, Breathe BTS

No.

We have lives outside of BTS.

We have other interests outside of BTS.

BTS paved the way? I agree but I’m not going to get into Twitter and other social media battles over it. What’s understood doesn’t have to be explained.

BTS have lives outside of BTS. Some of you need to follow suit.

All In All

There’s a certain sub group of Army that try to make the rest of us adhere to what their definition of what Army is. It’s not cool, it’s not fair and it’s out and out toxic. Your willingness to be incredibly overbearing and toxic doesn’t make you more of a fan than the next Army member.

It goes against everything BTS stands for and some of you have lost sight of that.

And I will forever die on that hill.

And if any of these bullets hit you, do yourself a favor and make Joon proud, do better.

[unreadpoppy]

Raphael comforts you (Raphael x reader)

A/N: I had a pretty bad breakdown and the only thing that helped me back up was writing this, so yes, it is very personal (self-indulget feels like the wrong phrase to use). This means that our boy is veeeeeery OOC, but I don't care, I needed this for me. I decided to share because we all need some comfort at some point.

Raphael knew something was wrong the moment he walked in. 

On other days, she’d rush to greet him, smiling. But now, you were facing the window and he was greeted with your back. You didn’t even bother to say a ‘welcome home’ or acknowledge him in any form’. If you were anyone else, he'd comment on this rudeness, but you were you. 

Raphael silently approached you. When he was only a few feet apart, he spoke. “What happened?” 

You took a deep breath, trying to steady your voice. “People.” 

The devil immediately began to worry, and took another step forward. “Did someone harm you?” He asked. “If so, I will make sure they suffer a horrible death.”

You put your hand in your head. “No one did anything to physically harm, it’s just” you sighed. “I don’t think you’d understand.” 

Raphael huffed. “I’ll be the judge of that, dear.” He allowed himself to put a hand on your shoulder. “I may not be fully human, but I have lived a thousand years. I am well versed in the ways of mortals.” He spoke softly. “Please, tell me what ails you.” 

You covered his hand with yours. “I just feel like I give so much to others and receive very little in return. People walk over me and I cannot find the strength to stop them, because every time I’ve done so in the past, I got shouted at.” You paused. “Everyone else is allowed to be tired, to have their own personal problems, but I’m not. The moment I speak up, everyone throws rocks at me.”

He noticed the way your head dropped. “I want to be normal. I want to be like everyone else. I’m so tired of being hurt by something as fickle as a word. I’m tired of being this emotional over everything.” You began to sob. 

“People tell me not to care what others say but how do you do that?” You turned around to face him, tears streaming down your cheeks. “I cannot stop caring, I cannot stop feeling, and I hate that. I hate these feelings and I hate being like this.” You covered your face with both hands and cried. 

Raphael moved forwards and enveloped you with his arms. You cried into his chest, holding onto his blue jacket. He caressed your hair and your back, not saying anything. He just let you cry in his chest, not bothering that the tears would stain his clothes. 

In that moment, all that mattered to him was you. 

Eventually you let go and looked up at him. “I wish I could be all the incredible things you tell me I am.” 

He cupped one of your cheeks in his hand. “But you already are.” His gaze softened when he saw you looking down. “Look at me.” Raphael asked firmly and you complied. He placed his other hand on your other cheek. “I will indulge you with a secret of mine.” The devil whispered. “I am a selfish, egotistic, and insecure man.” He admitted. “I buried my feelings for so long, I’d forgotten I had them. My whole life was spent wishing I was more than I am. And where did that get me?” You shook your head. “Nowhere. I was betrayed by the one I favored, I lost all the power and reputation I had spent so long acquiring.”

You knew that, of course. Haarlep had once confided in you about Raphael’s downfall. How a group of tadpole adventurers had betrayed a signed contract. How he had lost to the very one who had endeared him, oh so long ago. 

At first, you had been jealous to know about this Tav, and how much they had meant to Raphael at some point. But now, you understood that the devil you cared for was a different being back then. Sure, most of his arrogance remained, but you doubted that that Raphael would be admitting all of this. 

“But,” he continued. “I do not regret the choices I made, for they have led me to you.” He took a deep breath. “You, who are the most magnificent creature I had the blessing to lay my eyes upon. You, who would look at a devil and show him kindness, even if he didn’t deserve it. You, who are creative and talented and so pure.” 

Raphael took both of your hands and placed it in his chest. “I would not have you any differently. I do not care if you are emotional, if you care much, if you feel so deeply because it was by being this way that you have captured my heart, my mind, my body and my soul, if I have any.” You chuckled at that, remembering one time questioned him on the matters of his soul. “You know, it is quite hard to have a devil as important as myself wrapped around your fingers so easily.” Raphael smirked, leaning closer. “It is not everyone who would be capable of such a feat.” 

You smiled at him. “Ah yes, there is that smile.” He commented. You playfully rolled you eyes and leaned forwards for a kiss. 

It was short but sweet. “Thank you, for your words and your time.” You told him. 

“Always, my dear. If you let me, I will smite anyone who dares hurt my love.” He kissed you again. Taking one step back, he offered you his arm. “Now, how about we discuss our plans of revenge over a good meal?” 

You giggled and took his arm, allowing him to lead you away. 

[littlespacereader]

I’m finally up to date with Doctor Who and I literally love the 15th Doctor and his vibe so much that I literally whipped this together in a day. I’m thinking of possibly making this a mini series like my Supernatural fic and just keep adding to it. Let me know what you think!! Please enjoy💞

The Cafe Caregiver ☕️🍼🍪

Caregiver!Fifteenth Doctor & GN Little!Reader (SFW)

Tags - regression refusal/acceptance, sippy cups, fluff, cybermen (at the end), cookies, the doctor has a thousand nicknames for you, he just finds you adorable, you wear his coat

Nicknames - darling, little one, sweetheart, munchkin, pumpkin, sweet one, love

Some people don’t understand that when it comes to a Little regressing, it isn’t always convenient or vise versa we want to regress but don’t have the time to do so.

I’m sadly the latter of the two options. I’ve spent the last four years in college, sometimes regressing at night after long tiring classes. Now right out of college I’ve been running from job to job, with little to no time to regress.

Regression, well, it started to become an afterthought. Not that I wanted it to, but life didn’t seem to be giving me an opportunity to pause and breathe enough to regress and relax.

Tonight was no different. I just finished another long and tiring work day at the office. Since I’m new I get the pleasure of staying super late, even after everyone else leaves. The life of an intern.

I was making my way down the building to head back to my flat. But I paused in the lobby, looking through the big tall windows at the pouring rain outside.

There was no rain in the forecast? How did I miss this? I mean I only have myself to blame. It’s London, of course it’s raining. And better yet, of course I don’t have a rain coat or umbrella or even a coat to help me stay warm.

So here I was, running like a wet dog down the side way, trying to catch the last bus to my apartment. I ran and I ran and I ran, as fast as my legs would take me down the dark sidewalk illuminated only by the street lamps.

My bus stop was in sight and better yet, my bus was parked right next to the sign. I waved my hands like crazy and yelled out to the bus to stay for just a second longer. But I watched as the bus took off.

I just froze and watched as my bus grew smaller and smaller into the distance. I stood, in the empty bus stop, in the pouring rain, with no jacket to keep me warm and no way home. I was completely in awe of the events.

I honestly wanted to cry. I just wanted to stomp my feet and start crying. But I couldn’t, not yet. I pushed my regression down for a moment. I need a place to gather my thoughts and figure out what I was going to do. But most importantly I needed to get out of the rain.

It was hard to see with the rain coming down as hard as it was. Plus it was late, most shops had turned in for the night.

Just as it felt as though all hope was lost, I spotted a tiny shop across the street with its lights still on. So checking both ways before crossing, I ran across the street and over to the cafe.

The door flung open with a little ding of the bell on top announcing my presence to everyone inside. That…being…no one. The cafe was shockingly empty. You would think it would be full of people like myself trying to escape the rain.

I wiped my feet as best as I could on the mat, I made my way over to the counter. I wrapped my arms infront of me, trying desperately to keep myself somewhat warm. But it was hard to when I was soaking wet and they had the ac on for some reason. Needless to say I started to shiver badly.

I stopped at the counter and looked around. There was no one to be seen. The place was empty. There was no one at the front and there was no noise of people working in the back. The place would’ve been silent if it wasn’t for the soft music playing from a radio on the counter.

There was a bell on the counter next to the register. Maybe they really didn’t know someone was at the front? Just when I went to hit the tiny bell…

Ding!

The bell to the front door dings as a man enters the cafe He paused at the door and takes in my soaked form. Then he said something that made my heart sink and my body freeze.

“Little one, what happened to you?” He asked so genuinely concerned.

I just stared back at I’m utter shock. No one in my life knows about my regression, no one. And here he was saying it so out in the open as if I had a name tag that said “Y/N, a Regressor”

“What?” I asked as my brain started to spiral out. Maybe I just heard him wrong. Maybe I was imagining things.

“Why are you soaking wet? You’re going to catch a cold! Here,” He pulled off his long tan leather coat and draped it across my shoulder. “This should keep you warm.”

He talked with such a gentle and caring tone. He spoke as if he had knew me for years. The coat felt so warm and cozy around my frozen figure. It was almost like a weighted heating blanket.

Finally I found the courage to talk out of my shock, “I didn’t know it was going to rain.” I said with a voice that sounded so small and vulnerable.

“Didn’t-Didn’t know it was going to rain? In London?” He chuckled. “Darling how long have you been here? It’s always going to rain in London. It’s hard to have a clear day here.”

“I…I didn’t remember to bring an umbrella.” I looked down as I tried to stop myself from crying. There was something about the man that just made me start to regress immediately, like the straw that broke the camels back. I felt like I couldn’t hold back anymore. Especially not after everything that’s happened up till this.

“Oh. Oh sweetheart it’s okay. It’s okay, you’re okay. Come here.” He held his arms out for me and I immediately went into them.

He wrapped me in a tight hug as I just cried into the man’s neck. He rubbed my back and rocked me as he whispered reassurance to me. “It’s okay darling. It’s okay. You’re safe, I promise.”

After letting all the terrible and sad emotions out, I lifted my head from his shoulder and looked back at the kind man. He smiled with a warm look of compassion and kindness. He caressed my cheek and wiped the tears away.

“I’m sorry,” I started to say.

“There’s no need to be.”

“I’ve…I’ve just had a horrible day. My job keeps me so late unnecessarily, I didn’t know it was going to rain so I’m soaked, my bus left me here and now I…I don’t know what to do.” I cried to him. I shook my head as more tears fell.

“You don’t need to worry any longer about any of that. We’re going to get you warmed up and back home safe in no time. Okay?” He smiled moving his hands from holding my face to holding my hands in his.

I nodded my head and squeezed his hands back. For having just met the Caregiver I felt an overwhelming feeling of safety with him.

“But for now I have to ask, it’s been a while since you’ve regressed hasn’t it?”

I nodded again, feeling almost ashamed at the admission.

He hummed in agreement, “You don’t need to worry anymore. I’m here to help make it all better Little one. You just regress and I’ll take care of everything else okay?”

Oh God how I wanted to scream yes, how I wanted to just start crying again because someone could see me for what I was, which is an overwhelmed Regressor.

But I settled for a nod again and a small smile.

But there was still some unanswered questions that stopped me for a moment. For example, “Wait,” I squeezed his hand again. “How did you know?”

“Know what darling?”

“That I’m a Regressor? How did you know?” I mean this guy literally just walked in, looked at me and immediately was like “Oh look a Regressor!”

“Where I’m from regression isn’t something so hidden or lesser known than you think. Truth be told I haven’t seen a Regressor like yourself in a long time. It was a refreshing change seeing you. I guess the Caregiver side of me couldn’t stop itself from helping. I’m sorry if I was a bit to forward.”

I shook my head, “No, don’t be. I think your just what I needed, especially after everything.”

He smiled, “Good, I’m honored to be.”

“What’s your name?” I asked.

“I’m the Doctor,” he smiled, “What’s your name sweet one?”

“I’m Y/N.”

“It’s lovely to meet you Y/N. Now, let’s get something warm in you. My coat is warm but it’s not enough to keep a cold away.”

With my hand in his, he lead me back to the abandoned counter of the cafe. “I think a nice cup of tea would be good for the both of us don’t you think?”

He stopped and looked around the quiet cafe. I chimed in, “I don’t think anyone’s here. When I arrived there was no one around and there still isn’t.”

“Strange… Did you ring the bell?” He points out.

I shook my head. “I was about to before I met you.”

“Oh, I’m sorry for interrupting you. Would you like to do the honors?” He gestures to the bell.

I couldn’t help but smile at the gesture. Of course my little self wanted to ring the hell out of that bell, so I did. I hit the bell once, no one came over. So I rang it about another 50 times. Still nothing.

I looked back at The Doctor confused and he looked at me just as confused. Just as he was about so say something a man appeared out of no where.

“Good evening,” the man said in a robotic tone, “How many I help you?”

The man looked human but there was something very off about him. He talked like a robot, he was emotionless and I don’t think he was even blinking. I stared at the guy as I tried to figure out what he was or if he was actually human.

“Hey,” The Doctor nudged me, “It’s rude to stare you know.”

“Is he even real?” I whispered to The Doctor.

“Of course he is! He’s standing infront of us isn’t he?” He pointed out, but it didn’t answer my questions.

But before I spoke up again, he began to order for us, “We’ll get two cups of tea, one in the cup and another in a sippy cup. I’ll take a croissant and they’ll take a chocolate chip cookie.”

I immediately pulled on his arm, “A sippy cup?!”

He looked at me with a raised eye brow, “Do you think you’re old enough to be holding a glass tea cup right now?”

I looked at him with a defiant look and he looked back at me with the same eye brow raise. But the problem is he was right and he knew and I knew it.

So instead of admitting he was right, I just started to blush and turn my head and body toward his shoulder.

I could hear the smirk in his voice, “That’s what I thought love.” He looked over at the robot…I mean the guy, “That will be it for us thanks.”

“Please have a seat. I will return with your items shortly.”

With that The Doctor led us over to a booth to sit in. Once seated I looked back over at the counter and the guy seemly disappeared again.

“Are you sure he’s not a robot?”

“What if he is? What would be the issue with a robot?”

“What is a robot doing working at a café in London?! And why does it look so lifelike?!” I asked as if it wasn’t obvious.

“Maybe he couldn’t find work on other planets?” He suggested.

That stopped me for a moment, “Other planets?”

“Here is your order sir,” the robot…I mean guy appeared out of thin air. It was so much of a surprise that I jumped a bit from the shock of it.

“Here we are,” The Doctor said taking all of our cups and plates from the tray, “Thank you very much.” He said paying the bill to the very real guy.

“Please let me know if you need anything else.” And with that the robot guy walked away.

“Strange,” I said more to myself than to anyone else.

Before I could even touch anything The Doctor waved this strange device over our food and drinks before looking at it. The device was blue and it made a weird noise.

“What’s that?” I asked with a tilt of my head.

“This is my sonic screwdriver. It can scan for dangerous things and can unlock plenty of other things.”

“Are…do you think the robot guy poisoned us?”

“No! No, the “robot guy” is just that, a robot guy who serves us tea. But with everything in life I like to keep a close and careful eye out for anything.” He explained.

“Like a certain someone trying to sneak a piece of cookie before they’ve had a drink of their tea.” The Doctor added with the raise of an eye brow.

I pulled my hands away from the cookie and blushed like crazy being caught in the act. I turned and picked up my sippy cup. The cup made me feel so Little. The cup, the way the Doctor was caring for me, it all seem to hit me like a train at that moment.

Here I was sitting at a public cafe with a sippy cup in hand and being taken care of by a Caregiver. It was enough to really have me sink into my headspace.

Soon regression started to sink around me like nice warm weighted blanket. I leaned back in the booth and started to drink the nice warm tea from the sippy cup.

The Doctor sat across from me with a smirk on his face as he sipped his own tea. “See,” he said putting his cup down, “You have nothing to worry about. Just let me take care of everything for you munchkin while you take the time you need to regress okay?”

I nodded, still not letting the sippy cup fall from my lips. The tea was amazing and just what I needed to warm me up.

The Doctor leaned forward and started to break apart my cookie into smaller easier pieces to eat. Once finished the two of us started to dig in. I ate the small pieces of my cookie while he ate his croissant.

Soon the two of us were finished. It was getting late, and between that and the nice warm cup of tea and jacket I was slowly starting to nod off at the table. Something that didn’t miss The Doctor’s careful attention.

“I think it’s about time we get you back home and in bed. Don’t you think?” The Doctor smirked.

I nodded, taking the empty sippy cup and putting it back on the table. The Doctor and I stood up from the booth, but right away he could see I wasn’t too strong on my feet. So he decided to lend a hand.

“Is it okay if I pick you up pumpkin?” He politely asked.

I nodded right away, too tired to want to walk back to my flat anyway.

The Doctor lifted me up and onto his hip with ease. “There we go,” I heard him say as I started to relax against him.

He turned to the interesting robot guy, “We’re all set here. Thank you again. Cheers.” And with that he walked us out of the café.

The robot guy continued to watch as we left.

~~~

Thankfully the rain had stopped. The Doctor walked down the deserted sidewalk with me in his arms half asleep. “Now, where do you live?”

I mustered all the energy I could and lifted my head up to tell him the address. Once I did I looked up and over The Doctor’s shoulder to see the café worker. I jumped in The Doctor’s arms which soon got his attention too.

He turned around and witnessed the man. We were a bit away from the cafe now thankfully. With his hair pulled back we could see there was something attached to his face. Something silver with blue lights.

“Doctor?” I asked as anxiety gripped me. I held onto him a little tighter.

“We’re…we’re going to have to make a little detour to your flat Y/N.” He said in a voice that was doing a poor job of covering up worry.

“Hold onto me tightly.” He instructed before he took off down an alley way running. I wrapped my arms around his neck and buried my head against his shoulder.

“What’s going on?” I asked in a trembling voice.

“It seems our cafe friend seems to be working for an old enemy of mine called the Cybermen.”

“Cybermen? Who are the Cybermen?”

“Something we don’t want to meet and something too scary for someone as young as you right now. But there’s no need to worry. I promised to take care of you and I never break my promises.”

He continued to run from one alley way to another. In the distance I could hear mental feet marching toward us.

“Where are we going?”

“Well I can’t bring you back to your home with the Cyberman following us. But that just means I’ll have to bring you to my home.”

“Your home?”

I lifted my head up and looked ahead of us. There was nothing there. The alleyway was empty except for an old blue police telephone box at the end of it.

[vintagebunnies]

silver springs

rockstar!eddie munson x fem!reader (daisy jones & the six au)

Corroded Coffin is in a desperate need for a new female lead, ready to change it up. Open auditions are held, people come and go, get turned away, until you eventually show up. (6.6k)

fem!reader, enemies to lovers, drug usage/mention, alcohol consumption, swearing, some angst, eddie’s a major douchebag! 18+ only!

chapter 1: rock ‘n’ roll suicide.

ཐི♡ཋྀ

Corroded Coffin was finally hitting it off. They were selling out stadiums and albums left and right, now known as one of the biggest thrash metal bands of the 90’s.

The boys never thought they’d get to this point, the highlight of rock ‘n’ roll. Having an opportunity to experience it all, being able to get the hell out of Hawkins without looking back. Girls practically fell at their feet, a huge difference from High School.

They don’t get strange looks anymore. Now if someone were staring at them, it would be because they were recognized out in public instead of degrading names and harsh glares. Getting gawked at by men and women alike.

Eddie had just finished writing a new song for their new album; Circle of Death.

Despite the harsh title, the songs were nothing of the sort. Eddie wanted to try diverging into something a little different. More softer.

Nothing too soft of course, as that would completely take away from their scene. But every metal band has done slower songs once, right?

The album was solely based around their lives as teenagers, lost love, and anything else someone’s mind can wander to. During the time Eddie spent planning and writing for this album, he basically isolated himself from everyone else. He wanted time to think things out thoroughly, making sure everything comes out properly and entertaining for their thousands of fans.

“Damn, he’s been in there for the past hour and a half,” Jeff stood in their studio, pacing and waiting for Eddie to get out of his daydream in the next room over.

“Think we should check up on him?” Gareth questioned.

“Yeah, he’s wasting time that we could’ve spent recording-“ Jeff was cut off by the sound of a heavy door slamming open.

“I finally finished this shit!” Eddie yelled with joy on his face.

“Jesus Christ!” Jeff jumped back.

Eddie barely paid any mind, grinning from ear to ear at his new song creation.

“What’s got you so happy?” Grant asked.

“Here, read it yourself,” Eddie handed Grant his notebook, a closed-mouth smile on his face.

Grant started reading it over, noticing all of the words that could’ve been but were erased. Eddie’s handwriting was almost hard to read, if the guys weren’t in the studio with him while he was jotting this down, they would’ve thought he was in a rush.

“Shit man, this is actually pretty good,” Grant handed the notebook over to Jeff who was reading over his shoulder. “Are you gonna make this a duet or somethin’?”

“Pfft, no,” Eddie snatched the notebook out of Jeff’s hands.

“Hey-“

“I’m perfectly capable of singing this myself,” Eddie closed the notebook shut. “I’ve done it before and I can do it again.”

“That’s actually a good idea Grant, maybe we should find someone to sing this with you,” Jeff suggested.

Eddie threw himself down on one of the plush velvet couches, tossing his notebook on the cushion right next to him. “What? One of you guys wanna sing a love song with me?”

“Of course I do, Eddie-bear,” Gareth joked, making kissy noises at Eddie. Eddie threw a pillow at Gareth’s head.

“No dude, I mean like-“ Jeff picked up the notebook, opening to the wrinkled page with the lyrics. “-what if we held auditions? I’m sure there will be plenty of girls lining up for the part.”

Eddie had his arms crossed over his chest, staring at Jeff. He must’ve been pondering the idea as he looked completely lost in thought. Eventually, he did speak up.

“What happens if we don’t find someone?” He argued.

“Then it’ll just be a solo song, but hey, we’re fucking rockstars now dude, we have to change it up somehow.” Jeff declared.

The other guys agreed, this new album was supposed to be different from their other albums, it was supposed to contrast to their usual songs.

“Okay okay, fine, but you’ll have to ask Jim about it ‘cus he might not even agree.” Eddie grumbled out.

There were cheers filtering throughout the room, it was usually more difficult to get through Eddie and get him to agree with something, but the guys had a point. They needed to branch out into different styles, it’ll attract larger crowds.

So that’s what they did.

—

The next day rolled around pretty quickly, Jeff had already gone to Jim with their current idea for this new song.

Jim was their manager, he managed their music, he had the majority of the say on the do’s and don'ts of their music. He was mostly pretty lenient with them though, he thinks that whatever idea they all collectively have and agree on is a choice they can make for themselves.

He didn’t want to entirely make all of the rules for the band, letting them choose their own decisions.

So when Jeff came to him with the duet idea, he thought it was actually a pretty great idea. They’ve never done duets of this sort before, so it was bound to be a tad peculiar for them to do, but not necessarily a terrible idea.

“Alright boys, pull your pants up, auditions are in an hour.” Jim walked into the trailer that the boys shared.

It was nothing like the trailer Eddie lived in growing up, this trailer was much larger and spacious. There were only two rooms in total, but these rooms weren’t cramped and were just enough to fit them.

Eddie jumped up at the sound of Jim’s voice reverberating off the walls, he had a look of confusion on his face and his hair was all mussed up.

“An hour?” Eddie questioned.

“Thanks for notifying us in advance, man.” Eddie mumbled sarcastically.

It didn’t take long for the boys to get ready anyways, but Eddie would be lying if he said he wasn’t at least the slightest bit against the idea. He didn’t tell them his doubts, but he didn’t think that they needed another singer to make the band ‘different’.

He thought they were all perfectly fine with where they were at, content with the normalcy.

When the band arrived at the studio, there was already a line of people waiting to be let in. The message about auditions was just sent out yesterday, but since they grew such a large fan base, it wasn’t hard for the word to get around.

“Look at all these people man!” Gareth said excitedly.

Everyone except for Eddie was excited. This was their chance of change and trying things out.

They decided that it was best to let one person in at a time, as letting everyone in at once would be total chaos and strenuous.

Eddie was sat in a hard plastic chair right in the middle of the other guys. He looked disinterested and frankly uncaring for what was happening.

Some people sounded decent and some just sounded absolutely awful. You could pinpoint who exactly only came here to get into bed with the band. The line for auditions was getting shorter and shorter by the minute, and not one person has caught their eye.

They had no clue what they were looking for, but they just wanted someone good. Someone who had potential.

As they were calling the last of the names on the list, Eddie’s ears perked up at the sound of your name. You weren’t quite a prominent figure in the scene, but anyone who was in a band at the time at least knew your name.

You were a singer-songwriter. Anytime you’ve tried to release your first album, with songs already written for, you were turned away or always had someone trying to change up your own music. You became infuriated at the disrespect, most record labels only did it because you were a woman, and thought ‘this sounds better for you’.

That was bullshit. You knew what was better for you, and it was everything you’ve already had in your little journal you keep in your purse at all times.

When you walked into the padded recording room, it’s like everyone’s eyes lit up.

It was almost like you just had this orange aura surrounding you, you looked a lot different then the wannabe rockers that stepped into the studio that day.

You had these large gold hoops that hung from your ears, bangle bracelets decorating your wrists and jingling with every movement, these extremely short cut off denim shorts that showcased your legs, and brown suede knee high boots on your feet.

It was like you time traveled from the 70’s to the 90’s, this is what the band needed. If they wanted change then hell, were they going to get it.

When you sang, you drew everyone to you, just like a siren's song. It was impossible for Eddie to keep his eyes off of you. There was a slight raspiness to your voice when you sang, but still a soft honeyed undertone.

Eddie looked over to the boys next to him, they must’ve been lured in too, as their eyes could not leave you. He could practically read their minds and their every waking thought just by the looks on their faces.

You sang just a small snippet of Janis Joplin's Move Over.

When you spoke, it broke the trance they were in.

“Was that good?” You had your hands on the bulky headphones sitting on your ears, a slight smile on your lips.

The boys shared a mutual look. They finally found someone for the duet.

What better person than someone who was an aspiring musician anyhow?

Eddie was the first person to give you an applause, the first applause today for that matter. The guys all joined in, giving you approving smiles.

“That was definitely the best performance we’ve seen all day,” Jeff announced.

The boys all agreed, voicing their satisfaction.

They all made their way to the recording room you were in to greet you. You were absolutely over the moon, this moment felt surreal to you, your own career as a musician would finally take off.

Eddie didn’t really say much, just staying quiet the whole time. He thought you did great, just as the others did, but he still wasn’t sure about the duet. He felt that having someone else singing with him would throw him off, it also didn’t help that he just could not keep his eyes off of you.

“So, I’m gonna guess the applause meant I did good?” You asked.

“Yeah, absolutely! That was fucking awesome,” Gareth said exuberantly. “How ‘bout you Eddie?”

“Uh, yeah, you did good.” He was short with his words, giving a tight lipped smile.

All you did was slightly nod your head to his response, looking around the room. You could feel the tension, you didn’t want to just barge in on an already formed band, but they did have auditions. You weren’t going to miss your only opportunity.

Jeff slapped Eddie’s bicep with the back of his hand.

“Ow man, what the fuck?”

“So, Jim! Whatcha think?” Jeff turned to Jim.

“Well, she had the only decent performance today. It’s up to you guys,” Jim already knew you were going to be chosen for the spot.

Everyone but Eddie verbally agreed that you were perfect for the song, you had the look and the voice for it. You weren’t sure what was up with Eddie and why he was so distant from everybody, but you just chalked it up to that he just wasn’t a social person and went on.

This was just the beginning.

—

When you got back to your apartment later that night, you were elated. Everything went well, you were officially going to be able to release your own music now. If the guys like the way you perform in the duet, they were willing to let you in the band permanently.

It was perfect, you were able to set the future for young girls who aspired to become a musician. Being able to be that prominent figure in the scene right next to Joan Jett and Stevie Nicks.

The first thing you did when you got back was chuck your shoes off. You felt drained from the day you had, but you couldn’t complain. All you could think about was unwinding.

Your apartment was small, there were no hallways, everything was connected and separated just by thin walls.

When you got to your bedroom, you opened your bedside table drawer and took out a small baggie, taking it with you into your tiny living room.

You emptied the crushed powder onto your coffee table, inhaling it up your nose in one go. The burn hurt wonderfully. Giving you enough reprieve for the rest of the night. Everyone told you this was a horrible addiction, but you’ve heard it all already. You know.

But you weren’t going to let someone else run your life. This is what you wanted.

Sex, drugs, and rock ‘n’ roll.

Meanwhile, back at the trailer that the guys shared, Eddie was the only one who was still awake. He was drinking straight from the whiskey bottle, chugging large gulps after one another.

Eddie didn’t do well with change, he had enough of it for a lifetime. He didn’t want to do it again, so that’s why he refused to welcome you to the band with open arms.

He knew you’d do good during the actual performance on stage. He also knew what would happen afterwards. You’d be an official member of Corroded Coffin. It didn’t feel right to him.

Corroded Coffin was formed by four teenage boys who were trying to escape reality. They always dreamed of getting where they’re at now, but Eddie didn’t think they’d ever have to make room in the band for one more.

His only solution was to drink all of his problems away. He’d feel numb enough to finally fall asleep. Just like you, a fleeting moment of reprieve.

Eddie downed the last drop of the alcohol, it felt like fire in his throat, but filling up an empty spot in his stomach. He eventually succumbed to his fatigue, falling into sleep.

—

It was a Monday.

Monday’s are known to be the worst day of the week, but for the band, they’d probably say it was the best day of the week. They’re now able to practice and record as many songs as they possibly can, preparing for the long week ahead.

Eddie wasn’t so enthusiastic today though. For the entirety of this new upcoming week, you’d be officially recording the duet with him. He had really nothing to say to you, but his attitude spoke volumes.

The guys even realized his brooding mood, not once smiling, cracking jokes, or overall enjoying himself while doing the thing he loves the most. You started to become frustrated. You weren’t sure of what you did to be on whatever hate list Eddie has. Hell, the man hasn’t even fully gotten to know you yet!

If he was going to be that way, well, so were you.

“I think this line should be sung a little softer, I don’t think the screamo works for the lyrics.” You suggested.

“Softer? What about this band looks soft?” Eddie retaliated.

The both of you were standing in the recording room, side by side with Eddie’s tattered notebook on a stand for you to both read from. Eddie had to sort out which lines you were going to sing, and what he’d sing.

“I’m jus’ saying, maybe your fans would enjoy the slight change,” You said with a smug grin. You were trying to lighten the mood, unaware that you were just pissing him off even more.

“Well those fans, became fans cus’ of the ‘screamo’ you speak of,” Eddie put up air quotation marks with his fingers. “Besides, I was the one who wrote the song, so therefore I get a say on how it gets sung.”

“I’m not singing it then.”

“What?”

“You heard me. You wanted a duet partner so you’re going to get a duet partner,” You placed your hands on your hips. “Sometimes you don’t always get what you want.”

“Excuse me? Do I have to remind you that you were the one who chose to show up to those shitty auditions?” Eddie’s brows furrowed. You could tell you pulled a nerve.

“Do I also have to remind you that you were the one who also agreed to bring me into this? Why complain when I’m right here?” You stood face to face with him now. “I am the solution to this duet! If you don’t like my requests then fine, tell me to leave.”

Eddie was looking down at you, anger in his eyes and all over his face. He was actually really beautiful when you could see him this close. His freckles were like constellations on his cheeks and his nose, bangs resting lightly on his forehead.

He didn’t say anything, just scoffed and turned back to the lyrics in front of him.

“Fine, but that’s it. You start changing up these lyrics and you’re on your own.”

You smiled, delighted that you got your way.

Your cute little smile just irked Eddie even more. He was never this easy to negotiate with, but you were right. He did agree on letting you in the band for this song.

The both of you got right to rehearsing, not needing anymore time to have a dispute over the theme of the song. But you couldn’t help to notice that every time you attempted to sing, Eddie would just sing right over you even louder.

“Y’know, it would be great if I could actually hear myself,” You placed your hand on the notebook to catch his attention.

“It’s not my fault you can’t sing any louder.” Eddie mumbled, it was so quiet you just barely missed it.

“I don’t know what the fuck crawled up your ass today, but I highly suggest you pick it out.” You said with more irritation laced in your tone.

Eddie didn’t even respond, just placed his guitar back on the stand and walked towards the door, completely abandoning you.

“Where do you think you’re going?” You questioned.

“Going to pick that thing you mentioned out of my ass.”

He just opened the door to the room and walked out, joining the other guys who were mindlessly fiddling with their instruments.

“What the fuck!” The guys in the other room looked up after hearing your muffled yelling from the next room over. You were standing there in the room alone, arms up next to you to display your annoyance.

“What happened in there, man?” Gareth asked.

“Nothin’.” Eddie said while grabbing a water bottle, then throwing himself down onto one of the couches.

Everyone’s attention diverted over to you when the heavy door slammed against the wall, and you stood there with a scowl on your face. Eddie didn’t even pay you any mind, keeping his concentration on the water bottle in his hands.

“You’re just gonna walk out like that?! We have yet to get anything done!” You yelled, the sound of your bracelets clanking together with every movement.

“Yup.” He popped the ‘p’, still not looking at you.

“You stormed out of the room over a stupid comment, I don’t know how the hell you made it this far in this industry with your huge ass ego.” You crossed your arms over your chest.

Your response seemed to throw him off guard.

“Oh yeah, ‘cus my ego brought me to auditions for a band right? Hopin’ to make it big through someone else’s fame. Hoping that maybe the songs in my notebook will make it further than the same four walls of my room.” Eddie stood up after that, throwing the plastic bottle onto the cushions.

You were speechless. Embarrassed. You didn’t want the other guys to think you were using them to boost your own music, but Eddie made it loud and clear how he thought about you. You weren’t sure you could take anymore of his cold attitude.

“Fine. Have it your way then, good luck finding someone else who will deal with you, ‘cus I’m fucking done.” With that, you turned on your heels and gathered your stuff, making your way to the exit.

“Hey! Wait!” Jeff tried to get you to come back.

You ignored their protests to get you to turn around, slamming the door behind you leaving a resounding ‘thud’ through the room.

“What the fuck man!” The guys were all visibly pissed at Eddie, you were their only chance at change, and they felt like Eddie blew it for them all.

“Dude, do you realize how difficult it was to find someone in this city who was actually good?!” Gareth was equally just as upset.

“We’ll find someone else, it’s L.A. It’s not the end of the world.” That’s all Eddie said to them, following right behind you and leaving himself.

No one chased after him, letting him go figure out this mess on his own. They didn’t know why he was being such an asshole, he was usually never like this towards anyone. Always giving everyone a chance and the benefit of the doubt. But he just couldn’t make an exception for you.

—

It’s been days since the guys have heard from you, you went completely silent. If only they knew what was really happening.

Since that day, you’ve fallen in a complete catatonic state, shutting out the rest of the world around you. Everything was for once going your way, and now it just crashed and burned. Eddie absolutely humiliated you, and showed no remorse for doing so.

You found solace in a bag of quaaludes you found in your kitchen drawer, it was the only thing among other drugs that calmed your racing mind. Right now you laid haphazardly on your couch, staring up into the ceiling. The world was spinning, but that was normal. You took more than usual tonight, but nothing beyond the point than you’ve taken before.

You wanted nothing more than to punch Eddie’s beautiful face, maybe tell everyone who adored him how he really was. He was nothing more than a douchebag.

Fame must’ve fucked him up, made him grow some type of superiority complex. He tells the same sad story of his childhood to get sympathy from thousands of people, but behind closed doors he’s nothing more than a narcissistic douchebag.

The few pills you’ve taken weren’t enough, you needed something else to take your anger away. Something to calm you down more.

You stood up on shaky legs, staggering over to your kitchen holding onto the counters as you go. You grabbed the half empty bottle of whiskey from your counter, drinking straight from the bottle. Your hands were just as unstable as your legs, barely able to hold the glass bottle.

You made the trek back over to your living room, right before your legs decided that they didn’t want to work properly anymore, making you stumble over your own two feet and dropping the bottle. The glass shards slid everywhere, the brown liquid inside creating a puddle. At that point, all you wanted to do was curl up and sleep for the rest of your life.

As cautiously as possible to avoid getting glass up your foot, you crawled over the couch and face planted into the cushions. Hoping by the time you woke up, you’d be reoriented enough to function properly.

You woke up what felt like days later to a heavy hand banging on your front door.

“Go away.” Your scratchy voice yelled out.

The knocking just got louder, not showing any sign of stopping.

“I said, fucking go away!” You lifted your head from the cushions.

“It’s me. Jeff.” His voice was muffled from the barrier of the door.

Hearing his name, you shot up. You’ve been refusing to speak with them since the argument, wanting to stay as far from Eddie as possible.

You sobered up since a few hours ago, the world wasn’t spinning as much anymore, making it easier to stand up and walk. You made sure to keep a look out of the scattered glass, staying physically aware of furniture around you.

When you got to the door, you unlocked the locks on your flimsy door handle, opening the door just enough so that he’d see you and not get a peek at your apartment's current state.

“Hi.” Your throat burned.

You were sure you looked like a mess. Only wearing a tank top and a pair of panties. Your hair was most definitely all over the place, and your makeup was smeared all over your cheeks.

“Hey,” Jeff’s eyes lit up when you opened the door. “Jus’ wanted to check up on you, you haven’t returned our calls,”

“Oops, forgot to pay the phone bill.” You tried to joke, but no smile found its way on your face.

“Can we talk? I didn’t have a chance to fully speak with you after, y’know..” He scratched the back of his head, looking away briefly.

You laughed through your nose, “After Eddie was a dick to me? Yeah, kinda wanted to keep my distance.”

“Uhm, ignore the mess..” You mumbled while hastily sweeping up the broken glass shards. The majority of the whiskey had dried up, leaving a decent size stain in the wood flooring.

“Oh shit- Lemme help with that.” Jeff went and grabbed paper towels, wiping up whatever liquid was left.

The clutter of glass was quickly cleaned. You’d have to get a rug to cover the stain.

“Sooo, what did you want to talk to me about?” You turned to him, throwing yourself onto your tiny sofa and crossing your legs criss-cross.

“Everything, really,” Jeff chuckled. “I feel like we left off on a bad note. With Eddie freaking out and then walking out, I couldn’t really say much to you.”

You were picking at a loose thread on the couch.

“Listen, we would love you to be in the band. Fuck what Eddie says. It’s three against one, his word means nothing,” He leaned forward, his hands clasped together in front of him.

“Eddie didn’t have it easy growing up, so anyone new that comes in his life, he has this habit of just sabotaging himself and his image. He didn’t mean it.” He had sincerity in his eyes.

“Sometimes he’ll be that way, but it’s just Eddie. He never really opened up to us about anything that’s goin’ on in his head, but that’s ‘cus he’s scared of being ignored.” Jeff looked down to his hands. “Please don’t tell him that I told you this.” He looked back up at you.

You just laughed, leaning back onto the couch and drawing your knees to your chest.

“I had a shit life too, but you don’t see me goin’ around and being a total asshole to people.” You said.

“My mom only had me to make another man jealous, to show him that she can get laid and have another man’s baby. She never loved me. By the time I was fourteen? My mom was gone,” You hugged your arms around yourself. “She ran off with said man who she tried to make jealous.”

There was silence, tension even. It was so thick it was suffocating, no one said anything.

“To this day she refuses to talk to me, trust me, I’ve tried. But if there’s one way to get her to hear me, see me, it’s this. I wanna show her I made something of myself without her shit parenting.” Your brows were furrowed, anger infiltrated your mind at the mere thought of your mother.

Silence again. You looked up to Jeff to see if he was even listening, and there it was. He was looking at you with pity. You wish there was a rewind button so you could just turn back time and not say anything at all. Just keep quiet and let him think Eddie is the victim. You hated the pitying looks you’d get, the last thing you need is for someone to feel sorry for you.

You’ve experienced enough sorrow.

“Anyways, I’ll come back. Eddie’s not gonna run me out, he’s gonna deal with me whether he likes it or not.” You said, sitting up straight.

Jeff’s face just lit up, akin to a child’s face in a toy store. He stood up, shoving his hands in his pockets.

“Thank you, you won’t regret this. I promise you this time.” He replied, making his way to the front door. You stood up and followed right behind him.

“You can come back on Saturday, the weekends are less hectic and Eddie is less likely to blow up,” He turned around to look at you, hand on the doorknob.

“And.. I’m sorry about what happened with you and your mother,” He placed his hand on your shoulder. “You’re going to go far, Y/N.”

He gave you a small smile and left.

Those words will replay in your head for the rest of the night. Hell, probably for the rest of your life.

You’re gonna go far, you’re gonna shove it in your mothers face and tell her, ‘I did it’.

—

Saturday came very quickly.

Maybe you were trapped in your mind, but you were nervous. You felt like a kid going to a new school. You aren’t new, though. You’ve been here before, you’ve done this.

Walking into the studio granted you a little relief, Eddie wasn’t there yet. It was only Jeff, Gareth, Grant, and yourself. It was almost like a weight was lifted off your chest. Sure, maybe him arriving and you already being there was worse than getting there when he was here, but the guys aren’t going to let him boss you around.

“We’re so glad you’re back, it didn’t feel right without you here.” Gareth voiced.

“Let’s hope I don’t regret coming back.” You said with a smile.

A few minutes in, and all of the guys were conversing with you. It felt like you’ve known them for years. You were so deep in conversation that you didn’t notice Eddie walk through the door. He just stood there in the doorway, staring at you.

“What’s she doin’ here?” He questioned.

“She’s here ‘cus we need her, you know that.” Jeff replied.

Eddie just rolled his eyes and walked in, walking right to the recording room. “Well? We just gonna sit here, or are we gonna get shit done?” Eddie questioned bitterly.

“Yup.” You rolled your eyes, grabbing your bag that was resting on the ground and grabbing the pill bottle inside.

The small pills rattled around in the bottle. Your drug of choice today was Dextroamphetamine. Different from the usual quaaludes, but it was all you had in your bag currently and you knew you were going to need it.

You quickly popped a few of the pills into your mouth, swallowing them with ease. Dexies help you focus more, and maybe you’ll be more calm throughout rehearsing.

You hurriedly made your way to the live room, not wanting to fuel the fire that was already brewing inside Eddie.

“We’re gonna need to start over, since you probably don’t remember where we left off.” Eddie said emotionless, not even looking at you.

“I actually do remember where we left off, but we should start from the top anyhow. You were the one who stormed out.” You were quick with your response, not looking at him either.

“That’s funny, ‘cus I’m not the one popping pills.” He lowered his voice.

Your hand tightened around the mic stand you were holding. You weren’t going to respond to him, no matter what you said back it wouldn’t warrant a great reaction from him.

The guys walked into the room with big smiles on their faces, laughing and fooling around.

“You guys ready to officially start this!” Gareth yelled out.

Neither you or Eddie really replied, both murmuring out a quiet ‘mhm’. At that everyone immediately took their places; Gareth at the drums, Jeff at the bass, Grant at guitar, you and Eddie both doing vocals while Eddie has his guitar as well.

The song started out slowly, no need for heavy instruments. This song didn’t necessarily require anything heavy anyways, but it was still nice to keep a few of the thrash metal elements to the music, no matter how fast or slow the song was. You had the majority of the vocals, but Eddie had a few.

Things were just a little different this time. You weren’t expecting Eddie to let you off that easily, he only asked why you were here and that’s it. You felt that was a major upgrade from last time. But of course, it wouldn’t be Eddie if he didn’t ignore you most of the time.

You could tell he was trying his hardest to not make eye contact with you. You were able to feel him glancing at you, but whenever you made the move to turn your head and look at him yourself, he’d quickly turn away, putting his focus back into the written lyrics or his guitar.

By the end of the first half of practice, your throat hurt. Your voice had a raspiness to it from the strain, but it felt great. You were on cloud nine. Everything was finally falling back into place, you felt that high that you’d only get when you smoked weed and drank, even though you only took a few pills.

“Holy shit! That was fucking awesome!” Grant shouted out.

“Hell yeah it was! This rehearsal was so much better than last time!” Gareth yelled back.

It was time for a much needed break, everyone made their way back into the main room of the studio.

“What did you guys think of that?” You asked while sitting on the red velvet armchair, taking a small sip out of your bottled water.

“That was even better than your audition, dude! I mean, not that your audition wasn’t good, but this was like, hundred times fucking better!” Jeff exclaimed.

You giggled at his enthusiasm. Jeff reminded you of a brother you never had, you’d picture this is what having a brother would feel like. Even though you’ve known him for a total of a week, he treated you like you’ve known him for ages. Never once letting the awkwardness of meeting someone for the first time appear between you both.

“Maybe once this album gets debuted, we can record some of the songs I’ve written? We can release it as an album for the band as a whole,” You suggested.

Eddie looked up at you at that one.

“Already planning that far ahead?” He asked. “We have yet to even perform this one, why don’t you wait before jumping to something new?”

You scowled. “No need to get so uptight, it was just a suggestion.” You bit back. His attitude towards you has been hot and cold all day, sending out mixed signals constantly. You were never able to tell how he was actually feeling, one minute he acted like he liked you at least a little, then the next he acted as if you were the worst thing to walk this planet.

“I’m jus’ sayin’.” Eddie had a bored expression on his face, as if your existence was an inconvenience.

You just rolled your eyes, not interested in getting into another heated debate with him. You chugged half of your water bottle, knowing that once you leave the studio today you’d have to stop at the liquor store to buy another bottle of whiskey, or maybe something stronger.

“Okaaay you two! Maybe we should end break early today, we need to practice as much as we can.” Grant suggested.

Jeff and Gareth both agreed, Eddie only nodding in response. You didn’t really care for the break, wanting to take up as much practice as you can.

Walking into the recording room was less exciting as it was before, it seems like Eddie ruined the mood once again with his comments towards you.

“Maybe we should find a certain part of the song to focus on, there’s some parts we need to fix,” You offered. Eddie seemed to hate that idea, as he scoffed.

“I thought the guys sounded fine, so I’m not sure what parts need fixing.” Eddie responded. The statement wasn’t outright rude, but it was just the tone in his voice that set you off. As if he was suggesting you were the problem.

“I don’t know, you wrote the lyrics, so you tell me.”

“It’s definitely not the lyrics, maybe it’s the person who’s singing them.”

“Okay, I get it. We left on a bad note last time, but I still don’t understand why you’re always such a bitch to me. I have done nothing to you!” You threw your hands in the air.

“How the fuck am I supposed to get anything done when you’ve had this, I don’t know, two-faced attitude towards me,” You were fuming at this point, you didn’t care the guys were watching. “One minute you seem fine with me being here, maybe even enjoying my presence, and then the next minute you’re just- you’re- an egotistical prick!”

“Let’s not do this. We gave you a second chance, you’re lucky you’re even back here. We have shit we have to get done.” Eddie surprisingly showed no want in arguing, but you knew deep down he’d love nothing more than to get under your skin. But you also didn’t want to argue. But you also couldn’t stand him shutting you out and trying to silence you.

“This is what I fucking mean.” Your response was less fierce. The ongoing back and forth between you two was tiring, it was getting hard to keep up with, and you’ve only been here for a day and a half.

You just sighed and turned your attention back to the sheet music. You knew when to continue fights and when to stop them, and in this moment it was best to just let it go for now. Mainly for the sake of the others, not Eddie.

The rest of rehearsal was a bit rocky, some pauses here and there and sharp glares exchanged between you and Eddie. You made sure you stopped to grab another bottle of whiskey before heading home for the night.

Next week was going to be a long, long week.

ཐི♡ཋྀ

[me-loving-woso]

Prompt List

Hi everyone, I hope you are having a great day! This is my prompt list for some imagines/ficlets that I want to write, if you like you can decide to chose up to 3 prompts per fic. If you like any other prompt other than this, feel free to write me, and I’ll try my best to write it.

Angst/Emotional:

“Just please, don’t leave me.”

“It hurts so much. Why does it hurt so much? I just want it to stop.”

“Forget it. Just like you forget everything else.”

“I never ask for help because I’m not sure I know how.”

“It’s alright to feel broken every once and a while. And it’s alright to take time to heal.”

“I feel like I’m falling apart.”

“What is it about me that isn’t good enough?”

“I wish I was brave.”

“Whats the point in trying if only one of us is willing to?”

“You almost died and you’re making jokes?”

“I would give up everything for the chance to hear your laugh again. To see you smile. To see you happy.“

“You don’t have to hide your tears from me.”

“For once in your life, do what you want! Be selfish!”

“Being strong doesn’t mean never asking for help or admitting you’re in pain.”

“No matter what they made you think, you are worth saving. You are worth loving.”

“You said you wouldn’t leave, and then you did.”

“I’m a fool for believing you meant what you said.”

“You are not your past.”

“Don’t look at me like that.”

Fluff/Romantic:

“I just cant see myself ever living without you.”

“If there was ever anybody meant for me, it’s you.”

“I didn’t believe in soulmates until I met you.”

“You owe me a kiss.”

“Go with me?” “Only if you hold my hand.”

“I’d feel much better if you’d let me walk you home.”

“If I asked you to stay, would you?”

“You make me feel alive. For the first time ever, I feel like I can breathe.”

“I’ve never felt this way before, and truthfully it scares me. But, the idea of never trying scares me even more.”

“I promised to love you forever, and that is a promise I intend to keep.”

“Is that my shirt?” “You mean our shirt?”

“You give me a reason to be better, to do better.”

"All I’ve ever wanted was a place to belong. Somewhere I could call home. And you gave me that. Because you are my home.”

“They don’t compare to you. No one does.”

“No matter how much time we’ve spent apart, I never stopped loving you.”

“I think I’m in love with you.”

“You brought me breakfast?” “Well you said you always forget to eat before you go to work, so I thought I’d make sure you ate something.”

“Everything feels right when you are with me.”

“I don’t care what others say, I want to be with you and that’s all that matters to me.”

“You bought me flowers?” “Yeah, well I noticed you’d seemed kinda down, so I wanted to cheer you up.”

“I’ll be damned if anyone makes you feel like you aren’t worthy of being loved.”

“I wasn’t sure what love really felt like until I met you.”

“I can braid your hair for you- I mean, only if you want.”

“Maybe if you stopped staring at them and actually talked to them, you might have a chance.”

“I want you. All of you, and not just halfheartedly, but wholly. And maybe that’s selfish, but I don’t care.”

“Can you stay? Just for tonight, please. I don’t want to be alone with my thoughts.” “'l’ll stay for as long as you need.”

“You are my family.”

“We’ve been by each other’s sides for years, you think I’m gonna leave now?”

“Take my jacket, I don’t want you catching a cold.”

“I’d wait a thousand lifetimes for you, because you are worth waiting for. So when you are ready. I’ll be right here.”

“I can’t stop thinking about you. No matter how hard I try, you’re always on my mind”

“Don’t go on that date.” “Why?” “You know why.” “Say it.”

“Can I kiss you?”

“I can’t remember the last time I laughed like this.”

“How long have you had this planned?” “Since the moment I fell in love with you.”

“You came all the way here for me?”

“Why are you staring at me?” “Because I think you’re beautiful.”

“I think I’m falling in love with you.” “I think I’m okay with that.”

“What are you doing here?” “I wanted to see if you were okay.”

“The world gets a little brighter when your around.”

“They say we wont last.” “Then lets prove them wrong.”

“You kissed me.”“You kissed me back.”“And I’m not here to apologize.”

”you deserve so much more than what you’ve gotten,”

“maybe we could go get coffee…tomorrow?” “yeah, i’d like that.” “you would?!? uh- i mean great, i’ll text you the details.” 

 “i missed you.” “you just saw me,” “yes, but i missed holding you.” 

"Perfect,""What?""You're perfect,"

Miscellaneous:

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone screw something up that fast before.”

“I’ve never told you that before.”

“You come here often?” “Well, I work here. So I think I’d have to say ‘yes’.”

“At least it couldn’t get any worse.” “I really wish you hadn’t said that.”

“I’m too sober for this.” “You don’t even drink.” “Maybe I should start.”

“You couldn’t handle me even if i came with instructions.”

“Wake me up when it’s over.”

“I think… everyone deserves a chance to prove themselves.”

"Abort mission, I repeat abort mission.” “What? Abort what mission? All you were doing was introducing yourself to your neighbor?” “Yeah, and they’re too attractive. I can never speak to them again.”

“At least I kept my promise.”

“I saw you looking at it last time we were in the store together, so I got it for you.”

“…Did you just sniff me?”

“Of course I noticed, I notice everything about you.”

“Are you alright?” “Yeah, why?” “You look mad.” “That’s just my face…”

“You can’t get rid of me that easily.”

“Since when did you open a bakery in your house?” “Since I got bored.”

“Can someone explain to me, in not so many words, why they are here?”

“For the most part, I am, in fact, an idiot. But I fully admit to it, which should count for something.”

“I hate that I let you convince me to do this”

“What are you doing here?” “I got locked out of my house.” “Again?”

“Where are we going?” “It’s a surprise.” “I hope the surprise involves food.”

“I am nothing if not consistent.” “Yeah, a consistent pain in my ass.”

“What happened?” “Do you want the long version or the short version?” “Uh, short?” “I made a mistake.” “Okay, long version.” “I made a very very big mistake.”

“Do you take constructive criticism?” “Not without crying.”

“Are we all on the same page?” “Yes. Just of different books.”

“Why did you break up with them?” My dog didn’t like them, and that is never a good sign.“

Scenario Prompts: *For prompts with Characters A and B; you can choose who is who in your request (who is reader and/or character)

Fall asleep in same bed, on opposite sides, wake up in each others arms.

Separated forcefully or for reasons you can’t control, run into each other again years later on accident.

Get locked in somewhere together.

Continuously running into one another for days after having a meet cute.

Hands brush as you stand next to each other, you think it’s on accident until their hands gentle wrap around yours.

Caught staring too many times for it to be a coincidence.

Size difference hug; they engulf you.

You refuse to leave so they pick you up and throw you over their shoulder.

Character A can tell Character B is getting nervous in a big crowd, so A slips their hand into theirs to help them calm down.

B taking care of A when they are sick.

Holding hands underneath the table.

Bandaging the other and then kissing the injury gently.

B sitting/standing behind A and leaning into them as they show/teach them how to do something.

As you begin to fall asleep, you feel a gentle kiss pressed to your temple and a blanket draped over you.

B comforting A as they wake up from a nightmare.

A realizing that they have feelings for B when they see them with someone else.

A game of 20 questions that ends with “Can I kiss you?”

There’s a big storm going on outside while A is at B’s house, so B insists they sleep over.

A hears that B got hurt and rushes over in a panic to see if they are okay.

A falling asleep while sitting next to B, as there head falls onto B’s shoulder, B stays as still as they can, afraid to wake A.

Cloudgazing or Stargazing together, as you lie next to each other, their hand slips into yours.

Looking around for the shirt you left at your s/o’s house; only to find it in a drawer with other clothes and items you’ve left.

B get’s so nervous about their dinner date with A that they accidentally make enough food to feed ten people.

A hand written love lover left at your doorstep.

B dancing to music as their cooking or cleaning, and as they spin around A suddenly appears, grabbing onto B and continuing to dance with them.

A buying B groceries because they knew they forgot to buy themselves food again.

A finding a hand-sketched photo of them on B’s desk.

B helping A step down from a high place by taking their hand, and then not letting go as they continue to walk.

Comparing hand sizes, then linking fingers together.

Dancing around the living room of the first home you’ve bought together.

Long distance relationship; receiving a good morning text every morning, until one day you don’t. You are worried, but then there is a knock at your door.

B is sunshine, rainbows and kindness. A is night, rain-clouds and anger. But when A meets B, they bask in the sunshine and never want to leave.

B asking A to attend a wedding with them, to get out of going with someone their parents tried to set them up with.

[hero-israel]

Hi. I’m sorry if this question has been answered before. I looked through your blog, and I found a few questions similar to mine, but not exactly what I wanted to know.

So, I’m an 18 year old from the New England region of the US. I’m not Jewish, ethnically or religiously. I have been following the events as they’ve been reported on since October 7th and have been disturbed and saddened by much of what I have seen.

I see that people have died on both sides, Israelis who were deliberately targeted, and people from Gaza who are trapped in a war zone. There is suffering all around. It is honestly shocking to me the fact that many people are not acknowledging this fact.

The Israeli government is, well, a government. Whether you agree with it’s policies or not. Hamas is not. Hamas is a terrorist group that is willing to steam roll over the people of Gaza in order to kill the people of Israel. The Palestinians get nothing out of Hamas’s actions, killing civilians didn’t advance the cause for Palestinian statehood, it’s probably set it back years, and now thousands of people have, and are going to, die.

It makes me genuinely angry that ‘terrorism is wrong’ is not something that everyone can agree on. No action that Israel did justifies Oct. 7th. Just like no amount of the US messing around in the Middle East justified 9/11.

I don’t know if I’m incredibly naive or what, but the amount of Anti-Semitic shit I’ve seen recently is astonishing to me. I knew that it was still a big problem, but I had hoped that there would have been a LOT more pushback to it.

I’m someone that doesn’t like to rock the boat. While I’ll passionately explain my views when asked or the topic is brought up, I don’t like to flaunt them about, because I know some people are fricking nuts, and I am but a petite teenage girl with social anxiety, who does not want to be attacked by crazy people over having a bumper sticker on my car.

I bring this up because it is a testament to how bad I think things are getting that I’m asking you what I should do to help? I’ve probably spent well over an hour trying to word this ask, but I genuinely think I need to do this or else I’m going to regret it. Does showing the Israeli flag actually do anything? Does posting on Tumblr actually do anything? If they do, I can do them. Hell, if it would help I could go to a protest. I’ve never been before, because I’ve always been nervous about confrontations, but I can do it.

I hope this doesn’t come off as me making this about myself. I’m asking this anonymously because I specifically DON’T want this to be about me. I just wanted to add the context so that I could convey A.) That reading your’s and others’ posts about this are encouraging me to want to do something, and B.) That I’m going to be going far out of my comfort zone for this, so if you have suggestions for what is actually helpful, so that I can focus my energy on that, I’d be very grateful.

Stay safe, and have a wonderful night.

Thank you for writing, and for being willing to go out of your comfort zone for the sake of standing up for Jewish peoples' rights and safety, along with standing up for the basic truth.

The important thing is that you don't have to go TOO FAR out of your comfort zone. It doesn't help anyone for you to be at physical risk. I would recommend against bumper stickers or for specifically conflict-based protests (especially against counter-protests).

What would be truly helpful and meaningful to the Jewish community around you would be for you to go to pro-Jewish / pro-Israel events. Surely a local synagogue or campus Hillel will know of some rallies or speeches, where just having you in the room would help show solidarity. If antisemites try to crash it, you are not obligated to engage them. Posting to your social networks would be great too - just something as simple as "Nothing justifies sending a door-to-door death squad to rape and murder children." Let people see that there is an option for non-Jews to truly be allies for us.

Again, thank you. I do hope you will show up. It would mean a lot to those who see you there.

[pedropascal-y]

Across The Pond - Joel Miller x f!Reader

summary: you're a visitor from the UK when the outbreak happens. You're also the newest member of Jackson, Wyoming.

Warnings (WHOLE STORY): MDNI, 18+, Smut, incel-type behavior (not from Joel), minor wound discussion, trauma, murder (infected killing), age gap (you're almost thirty and Joel is 50), lmk if I missed any.

a/n: thank you so much to my bestie, @lovers-liability , for helping me with this story! They have given me many ideas and encouraged me to write this! Much love! - Liv

Wordcount: 2.7k

your mp3 playlist: ˚ʚ♡ɞ˚

Index:

Chapter 1 - The Walls - 04/14/2023

Chapter 2 - Lovely Meetin Ya - 04/19/2023

Chapter 3 - PTSD - 05/08/2023

The sun beats down on your neck, surely adding to your already present sunburn. It was simply apart of you now, sunburn forever graced your skin since Summer arrived. It took so long for you and Felix to reach any semblance of normal socialization. According to those within the walls of the QZ’s, they were not normal there. Felix walks ahead of you, silently listening for anyone around you. “Why’s it so bloody hot here?” You groan, not used to the constant sunshine and missing the constant cover of clouds back in the UK. Felix rolls his eyes. He’s certainly used to your complaining by now, seeing as you both have been on the road for some near 20 years. Not that you could keep count, your phone continues to track the day and time when it is charged that is. It hadn’t been charged for a few months, or at least it felt that way. 

“You really need to stop complaining, hun.” Felix scolds you.

“It’s all I’ve got to do.” You say right back to him, scooting your rifle further onto your shoulder, “it’s not like I can read this sodding map,” you continue, looking at the years of arrows and directions written on to it. You had asked Felix to teach you but he never did, he said there was no use in teaching you when you had him. Everything on it was foreign to you, except the small arrows, those were simple enough to know. 

“How your wound?” He asks you, stopping for a moment to check on you. 

You lift your shirt slightly, exposing the infected wound that you sustained in a fight with some raider determined to take everything you had. “It’s bloody painful but I can handle. I just hope we find some medicine soon.” You sigh, exhausted physically and mentally. Although, everyone must be exhausted in every meaning of the word. The world had ended and everyone was on guard, especially around other people. Humans were more brutal than the infected in this fallen society. Your wound was more than proof of that.

You were 9 years old when the outbreak happened, spent most of the years afterward inside the airport. You had managed to stay alive after everyone else died by locking yourself in a bathroom and stealing food from the plethora of food establishments. After 17 years, thousands of books read, and all the food scavenged from the airport, you decided it was time to leave. The time spent in the airport taught you basic survival skills, quite a few skills with medical care and aniamal care but reading a map of the United States was still a daunting task. 

You try to find your way toward the front door when a sound comes from the starbucks to your left. Freezing, you pull your metal rod from your backpack and head toward the sound. The sound continued as you inched closer, getting louder and more frequent. A man a couple years older than you pops out from behind the coffee bar, “Don’t hurt me!” He yells. You hold your rod in a defensive position and stare at him.

“What are you doing here?” You ask him, ready to attack at any moment. He puts his hands down slowly and dusts them off. He starts, “Well, I was looking for food, there is none in here by the way.” 

“I know.”

“You know?” He asks.

“That Starbucks has been empty for months.”

“How’d you know?” 

“I cleared it out months ago. I’ve slowly been making my way through every shop here.” You explain, lowering your rod. Your arm was tired and he seemed nice enough. Granted you haven’t spoken to another human being since your mom died in your arms. 

“Hold on, how long have you been here?” He asks, hoping over the counter to stand in front of you. You take a step back, clearing more space between the both of you.

“Since the day it happened.” You explain to him. His face drops and so does your defense. 

“Stop, right now!” A man yells, approaching you two on a horse. Felix raises his rifle and aims it at the man. Another man rides in on a horse at our left, “I recommend you lower your weapon right now.” You step closer to Felix, nervous that this was it, you were outnumbered. Two more men arrive on your unprotected side, surrounding you completely. Felix slowly lowers his gun, making eye contact with what he assumes is the leader.

“We’re friendly,” Felix says, sliding the rifle stap onto his shoulder, “We just need a little help, she’s hurt.” You slap his shoulder, upset that he revealed your vulnerability. 

“Is she bit?” The first man asks Felix, completely ignoring your existence as a sentient being. Felix shakes his head and lifts your shirt to show the wound, “She was stabbed.” You shove your shirt down and Felix’s hand as quick as your hands would allow. The man on the horse nods at his pack and turns around. The horse rider behind you speaks up, “Get walkin, follow Tommy.” You start walking, cautious of the people surrounding you.

“Fel, why would you tell them I’m injured?” You whisper quietly, eyeing the person to your left. Felix looks at you and back at the leader whose name is Tommy, apparently, “You need help, hun, we need to take the chance that they can help.” You roll your eyes and press a couple fingers into the skin around the wound. As much as you hated to admit it, Felix was right, you weren’t going to survive long with the wound growing more infected. You speak up, “I can tend the wound myself, I just need the supplies,” Tommy keeps his eyes ahead, watching his pathway closely. 

After walking for a kilometer or so, Tommy lets out a whistle. “Send out the dog!” He yells. You look up from the ground and there stands massive walls. They look sturdy, strong and able to withstand just about anything. You let out a deep sigh, some relief falling off your shoulders. Loud creaking is heard from the direction of the walls and a dog comes sprinting at you and Felix. You freeze, worried the dog may attack you. That Tommy had led you to your death. The dog stops at Felix’s feet and sniffs him over. Felix waves a hand to you gently, signalling it’s okay. It eases you for a moment. He was always good at that, calming you down when the stress of the situation becomes too much for you. It was a skill he picked up rather quickly after our meeting in the airport. 

The dog stops sniffing Felix and heads over to you. “Lift your shirt.” The man on my left yelled from atop his horse. “Excuse me?” You snapped your head toward him. 

“The dog needs to get a whiff of your scent to make sure you’re not infected.” He says, impatiently gripping at his horse’s reigns. You nod slowly and lift your shirt for a moment, the dog continues to sniff. You knew you weren’t infected but the idea that perhaps the dog could be wrong was paralyzing you. You take a deep breath in as the dog walks away from you and sits at Tommy’s horse’s feet. “Alright, let’s get you folks some medicine,” Tommy begins the walk toward the gate placed between the walls of the commune. 

As the gates closed behind you, a woman came and grabbed the reigns of Tommy and his friend’s horse. “I’m Lucas, nice to meet you.” Tommy’s friend introduces himself, sticking a hand out. You take it, shake it firmly and introduce yourself. “Lovely name, let’s get you over to the medical building.” He smiles and begins walking as Tommy heads away with Felix. Felix looks entirely unsure about splitting up but Tommy assures him there is a strict rule on how many people can be in the medical building at once. 

You follow quietly behind Lucas as he explains the buildings and things you pass on your way there. The closer you were to help, the heavier your body felt. “Lucas, how much farther?” You ask, trying your hardest to keep pushing. He looks back at you, noticing your skin getting paler. He slips his arm under yours and leads you into the medical building. 

“What’s her problem?” A man in a white coat asks Lucas while aiding your climb to the bed. He shrugged, “She has an infected wound and dehydration, I guess?” 

“You guess?” The doctor snarls at him.

“She’s got wicked sunburn all over her body, I felt it reasonable to deduce dehydration.” Lucas explains, holding his hands playfully in a surrender position. The doctor dismisses him and slides an I.V. into your vein. “I’m Dr. Michealson. Are you able to tell me what’s wrong?” The doctor asks as he hooks you up to the I.V.

“Wound, dehydrated and sunburn.” You tell him quietly, enjoying the pillow behind your head. It had been months since you’d actually gotten to lay your head on one and was taking everything in you not to fall asleep. The doctor nods, “Nice accent. Where you from?” You sigh deeply, “The United Kingdom, stranded here while on holiday.” 

“Alright, ma’am, we’re gonna get you some painkillers and then you can get some rest while I clean your wounds and get something for that sunburn.” Dr. Michaelson tells you, searching through his medicine cabinet for the proper equipment.

“Grounded? Bloody Hell.” Your mother cursed under her breath, staring at the Arrivals/Departures board. People were running around you, on their way to their gates or desperate to reach their loved ones at the baggage claim. “Sweetie, go sit down with your dad please.” She asks you, brushing a piece of hair behind your ear. You turn around and take a seat on the bench next to your father. 

“What’s going on, dad?” You ask him, resting your head on his arm. He sighs and hugs you close, “I’ve no clue, my love.” A scream rings out through the airport causing you to jump from your seat. You look over at where the scream came from and spot a man hunched over a woman, tearing into her throat. Another scream rips through the airport, this time, from you. The mans head snaps up toward you and sprints directly at you. Your father shoves you behind him, protecting you from the man with black veins around his face. Blood. Blood spraying from your fathers neck as he’s slammed to the floor from force of the man. Your mother turns around and brings her hand to her mouth, she yanks your arm away from the man devouring your father. Strangers around your father yank the man off of him, too late. 

Your mother quickly makes a run in the opposite direction, holding your arm as she goes. “Mom!” You yell, “Mom! Slow down!” She shows no signs of letting up, desperate to get away from that mess. “We left dad!” You scream causing her to come to a full stop.

“Sweetie, I’m sorry we left your dad. We had to, that man was dangerous.” She explains gently. “Perhaps we’ll go back once things calm down, honey.” You feel tears prickling your eyes, you had finally processed what you saw. Your father, dead on the airport floor trying to protect you. The airport grow louder, screams and yelling from every direction. Your mother looks around, clearly stressed, trying to find out where to go. She pulls you toward the bathroom, shoving you both inside and locking the door behind you. Some women come out of the bathroom stalls, curious as to why your mother locked them in the bathroom. “What’s happening?” An american woman asks while running her hands under the water. 

“People are killing other people out there.” She holds her hands on the door, pouring her weight into keeping it closed. The women look horrified as the realization settles in. The screaming and yelling finally hitting her ear drums. The american woman whispers, “Do not open that door.”

“I didn’t bloody plan on it!” Your mom curses, throwing her back against it and sitting down. You sit down and finally let go of your suitcase. It had remained glued to your hand since your father had been peacefully sitting on the bench. You slide your backpack off your shoulders and pull out your stuffed animal. You tug your mp3 out of your bag and press play. Nat King Cole’s music fills your ears as you squeeze your eyes shut and try to block out the world falling apart around you.

Your eyes snap open, unsure of where you are. The room is silent, clean, nothing like a medical office. “ ‘Ello?” You call out while sitting up, wincing at the healing wound. You hear shuffling in the building and the door swings open a moment later. Felix’s face is scrunched up in concern, a man follows in behind him and checks my I.V. port. “Felix, where am I?” You ask him, eyeing the doctor suspiciously. “We’re in our home.” He says low, unsure whether to actually call it that. He definitely didn’t feel like he was home, he was so used to sleeping in the same area as you he felt unsure sleeping in a different room. “Home?” You ask, lifting your shirt to check your wound.

“We dressed your wound, we didn’t want to change your clothes without your consent so we put a bandage on to keep it clean.” The doctor tells you, his name slowly coming back to you. “Want to try walking, miss?” He extends a hand out for you to grab onto. Felix rushes over and replaces the doctors hand with his own. You grab onto his arm, ready to use him to lift yourself. Your stomach aches lightly as you straighten out, “Can I go outside?” You ask, “I want to see the place.”

The doctor looks over at Felix, “If you’re up for it, I wont deny you that.” You smile and head out the bedroom door. The more you walk, the better you feel. No longer needing his arm, you hold onto the stair hand rail and walk down them, anxious to see the sunlight. Felix races down the stairs and swings the front door open. The smell of fresh air hits you making your excitement build. “Blimy!” You yell once your feet touch the grass in your yard. People giggle around you, enjoying your excitement. “Why do you sound like thet?” A young girl asks you, tugging at her moms hand. Her mother sighs and kneels down, “Sweetheart that’s not nice to ask.” 

“It’s quite alright, I’m from the United Kingdom.” You say and kneel down in front of her. She looks at you, more confused than before. It hits you that she was born after the outbreak and you smile and apologize, “Sorry, It’s a place far from here.” Her mother smiles at you, thankful to you for taking the time and being patient with her daughter. 

“Well, I’m Amy!” She stands on her tippy-toes and back down to her heels. You introduce yourself, thickening your accent a bit for the girls enjoyment. That’s when Joel sees you. The new girl, the one who’s not been seen since she was transported to her new home. He had never gotten a good look at you but there you were. Talking gently to a young girl making her smile. He watches as the sun bathes in a golden light, your hair is sweaty and some of it stuck to your forehead and yet he finds you absolutely breath-taking. He sees you talking to Amy and her mother, completely unaware of his staring. You’re far enough away from him for him to not be able to make out your voice but he’s sure it’s beautiful. His eyes scan your body, memorizing every curve and mark visible to his eyes. Drinking you in and enjoying the show, Joel looks over and spots Felix staring at you. Felix’s eyes were full of admiration and love, watching you speak to Amy. Joel felt angry. You were already spoken for, all your beauty was his to enjoy and it wasn’t fair.

thank you for reading this fic! This is part one of many and I would love if you let me know how you feel about it! Sorry there wasn't much Joel in this part, but as MC eases into their community, you'll see more! Again, thank you Lucy for reading and giving me ideas! Also, no, you and Felix are not dating. Simply survival buddies, friends, amigos, but clealry Felix has more than friend feels ;)

[asnarkyandironicusername]

Day 25 of @remadoramicrofics - Ina Dark Dark Wood

Nymphadora supposed, as she trudged towards Remus Lupin’s silhouette, that this was how moths felt as they fluttered about unattended candles. They couldn’t explain their draw to the sun, they could only follow it, no matter how ill-advised. She had spent the past few months being told to forget about her infatuation with the grumpy werewolf, that it was bad for her health, and, with him fleeing at every chance he got, she didn’t have any sound evidence to suggest the contrary.

“Are you done trying to kill yourself?” She asked as she reached him.

“Hm?” he asked as he stared at her.

“Well, you’ve rushed off to the werewolf camp and now you look like you're debating a swim. Just wondering if –”

“Dumbledore needed –”

“I don’t care, Remus,” she ground out, looking away from him.

“So you’ve said.”

He started to turn away, but Tonks caught his wrist. “Tell me you don’t feel the same, Remus, tell me you don’t love me and I won’t –”

“You know I can’t do that, Nymphadora,” he protested.

“Don’t call me –”

“And don’t you see how dangerous that is?”

“I’ve never –” she felt her anger flare and he cut her off again.

“Nymphadora, I need you to understand –”

She felt like there were a thousand bees buzzing in her ears and the anger swelled in her. More than that, was the sadness that flowered at the idea that Remus found his own love to be dangerous. She pressed up onto her toes and caught his robes, pulling him close as she crashed their lips together. Remus tensed, but his hands, maybe of their own accord, held her, one looping around her waist and the other resting on her shoulder.

As they parted, slightly out of breath, Remus stared down at her wide-eyed. “I-I– We can’t –”

“Yes, we can, Remus. There’s a damn war going on and you have the nerve to think you’re the most dangerous thing to me, an auror and an Order member.”

He swallowed thickly and Tonks waited, biting her tongue. “Let’s go for a walk,” he said eventually. Anyone else might have taken it for a rejection, but Tonks knew better. Remus was private, he wouldn’t want to get caught making out on school grounds, not after his unceremonious ousting.

“Alright,” she agreed as she slid her hand into his.

“Afraid of the Forest?” he asked as he led her along.

“Are you?”

He smirked, “No, I’m used to being the scariest thing on this campus.”

“Oh, that can’t be true,” she chided as they followed a path into the dark woods. The branches were so thick that it nearly pitch black.

“Have you ever been here?”

Tonks shook her head. She had never seen much need to venture past the edge, though Charlie had been sent out here with a group for detention once.

Remus nodded. “I had to come a couple of times with James and Sirius for detention.”

“Sirius did always say you were a trouble maker.”

Remus snorted, but didn’t refute the accusation. “It’s also where we spent a lot of transformations.”

“Where do you spend them, now?”

He looked her over for a moment before he sighed. “Recently? At the camp, with the others. Before that, at Grimmauld Place with Sirius.”

“Before that?” she pressed. She wanted him to know she was all in, furry little problem be damned.

“I own a cabin…in wales. It’s seen better days, but it suffices.”

“By yourself?” He nodded, leading her to the left of a y in the path. “I could –”

“No,” he said firmly.

She turned to him, her mouth twisted in a pout. “You don’t even know what I was going to say.”

He smiled knowingly at her. “You’re not coming to see the cabin and you’re not spending a transformation with me.”

“That’s not what I was going to say,” she told him as she pulled him along the path. “I was going to say I could take us to my place.”

He looked at her. “Nympha– Tonks, I don’t think –”

“Why? I’m not afraid of you and I make enough money that I don’t need any financial support from you, and I’m old enough to date whomever I please, so why won’t you really come?”

He sighed as if the act was particularly painful. “Everyone I’ve ever loved has died, Tonks, and I can’t subject you to the same –”

She scoffed. “Be serious, Remus, none of those deaths have been your fault. You weren’t the spy and Peter had everyone fooled, Bellatrix wasn’t going to let Sirius live, and no one could have known about Dumbledore.” Remus started to protest, but Tonks pressed on, “And one day, no matter how careful I am or you are or how much we try, I’ll die. Everyone does, you know, it’s inevitable. The important thing, the thing that makes death a little less painful, is making sure that you live while you have the chance. Because if you aren’t living, you’re just waiting for death. How long have you been waiting, Remus, and how much longer are you going to?”

He stared at her for a long moment before he crashed his lips to hers. Tonks’s hands immediately found their way into his hair and along the nape of his neck while his hands twisted in her robes and pulled her close. He drew back and she was about to protest when he whispered in her ear, “I love you, Nymphadora Tonks, and I have for a long time.”

“I love you, too, Remus Lupin,” she said into his neck, “Now please come home with me. Like, right now.” She felt, more than saw, him nod and quickly apparated them to her front door.

[randomscpventblog]

Honestly it really saddens me that when I look back at my scp album (I make albums for every main fandom I’m in) all that comes to mind is how much mental distress the whole of the fandom caused me, my friends, and so many others. Seeing as Bright is still my comfort character everyone’s insistence on completely erasing him triggered my OCD so badly that I spent days, if not weeks, archiving everything in pictures, google docs, and files that I would check repeatedly multiple times a day and I was well off compared to others who suffered much worse mentally, I still have an unanswered ask in my inbox from an anon who wanted to unalive themselves due to feeling like they lost their comfort character(Bright) and I still have no idea how to respond to that.

I literally joined the fandom because I was under the assumption that since it was a Creative Commons community this type of drama and erasure wouldn’t happen since there was no company or person being directly financially compensated for anything. So I figured no one would have an issue supporting anything on the wiki but it appears I was wrong obviously. The whole Bright can’t be separated from his author argument is still absolutely ridiculous as well as anyone can engage in disgusting roleplay with any character.

But back to the fandom, the wiki users and Scp content creators dropping the character and acting all morally superior was incredibly gross and performative considering most of them were around when AdminBright was still active on the wiki and had nothing to say or qualms about using the character until AB was banned and people started turning it into an issue. Then there was DJK, who still has allegations of sleeping with a freshly turned 18 y/o and attempting to provide them with alcohol, who decided to use the lists deletion to try and get clout with his own character. Which so many people decided to switch over too completely ignoring the fact that DJK was complacent in ABs predatory behavior on the wiki and that DJK himself also has allegations against him. The only silver lining to Shaw is that one of AB’s victims is working with DJK which in its own way is odd considering how they were brought on to work on Shaw with DJK who as previously mentioned also has allegation’s of predatory behavior against him.

The fandoms response wasn’t much better you had people switching over to Shaw which they only used as a rename instead of as their own character which was what the victim wanted as they don’t want Shaw simply being a repaint of Bright. You had people here on Tumblr demonizing Bright fans for not being able to move on from the character like they were, because they somehow assumed that just because they were able to detach themselves from the character that everyone else could too, completely ignoring the fact that most Bright fans are young, mentally ill, and/or neurodivergent. Those same people would use the excuse of trying to protect the victim’s feelings and mental state’s, again completely ignoring the fact that their causing thousands of other people so much pain and distress all over using a character. Then you had people fear mongering and accusing Bright fans of potentially giving AB new victims with their usage of the character which makes no sense considering AB has completely disappeared from the internet and I doubt them flaunting the fact that they created a niche character on the internet is going to be impressive enough to get them any irl victims.

All in all this has to be one of the most distressing fandom experiences I’ve ever had, and I’ve been in a lot of fandoms. Literally the only good part was the friends I’ve made along the way, and they were the only reason I remained in the fandom for so long. Due to this experience this will be the last fandom I’ll ever join that’s a community lead fandom, because for as bad as your usual fandoms can be at least people understand how to separate the work from the company’s that create them.

[sunwarmed-ash]

Angst Prompt: Billy Hargrove

Neverender

Characters: Billy Hargrove, the hawkins crew, Eddie Munson Trigger Warnings: Suicidal ideations/mention, no attempts, homophobic language/violence Tags: Sad Billy, post season 3 & 4-Billy lives, Billy and Steve are ex's, Eddie is a worried friend, Neil Hargroves A+ parenting, post harringrove fall out, hurt/minor comfort, suicidal ideation/mentions, dissociative/Major Depressive Disorder Billy

*Fic also under cut*

Nothings been the same since July. 

How could it be? Billy died. And what was left of their heated-rivalry-turned-blazing-sex-life and budding romance died with him. Because Billy wasn't the same when he came back. How could he be? Nothing that Billy liked about himself existed anymore; Nothing that Steve fell in love with was recoverable. 

He’s a shadow of his former self, and its obvious to everyone, but worst of all himself. His Calforinan tan and meticulously sculpted torso were gone, replaced by a ghostly pale all over color, and ugly, horrifying scars left behind by the monster that almost took his life. His hair, which he had spent months learning to cut and style himself had to be cut to add stables to keep his brain inside his skull post attack. The ‘doctors’ did such a piss poor job of it too Billy lost almost all of the length. He hated how it looked now. How he looked now. 

Nothing is the same as it was before. 

When the Steve finally got the balls to call off whatever their pathetic attempt of going through the motions, Billy told Steve the first lie he’s ever told them since they became exclusive. 

“I get it Steve. Don’t worry, I’ll be alright.”

“Billy…”

“I’ll be fine. Really.”

-

He wasn't fine. He wasn't even in the same ballpark as fine. He was ‘okay at best’ on good days, and seconds away from diving headfirst into the shallow end of the quarry on bad ones. The demons in his mind that plagued his night and daymares were nothing compared to the venom spit from his classmates, from Neil after everything with the mall went down and Billy was arrested after he barely surviving an interdimensional monster attack. 

Some rack of shit huh? Instead of a welcome wagon and fucking parade like the hero who sacrificed everything for a stranger should get, he was gifted with 100% of the blame, 7 months of rehab and a 6 thousand dollar fine for the damage. 

What was worse was that no one refuted it. Not a single person who was actually there that night. Not Steve. Not his fucking father, and since he was unconscious at the time, busy ya know, not dying, certainly not himself. 

Billy shut himself off from everyone after that. He quit the basketball team, spending the extra hour of silence after school at the quarry, increasing his likelihood of lung cancer, one malrboro red at a time. 

Since Steve had graduated, and dumped his ass, and he learned the hard way his so-called friends were as fake as silicone tits, he didn't see a point in being social. He was content to just keep his head down and degrade, one major depressive episode at a time. And at the end of each day, the bottom of the quarry looked more and more welcoming. 

Harrington Home

“So what's going on with Billy?” Eddie asked suddenly, and unprompted, catching everyone off guard. Enough that Steve dropped the dish he was washing into the sink and Dustin choked on the pizza crust he bit into. 

“Why- do you want to know about him?” Robin asks, eyes jumping anxiously between Steve and Eddie. 

“He’s been, weird,” Eddie said, unsure why now everyone else in the room was being weird.

“I haven't noticed,” Dustin shrugged and Max smacked his arm. 

“You ‘haven't noticed’ how the once loud and proud Californian Dickhead is now essentially a ghost? I don’t think I’ve heard him talk in months. It’s like he’s trying to will himself invisible. I think I even saw Carver bullying him last week. LIke isn’t that weird- What, whoa what did I say?” He asked anxiously, because now 7 sets of intense eyes were on him. “What? What is it? You can tell me.”

“Billy is… a complicated topic around here,” Lucas starts, hedging something big and looking very intently at Max. 

“Why?” Eddie asked again anyway and Dustin and Max sigh way too heavy for 14 year olds. But then again, they all did just barely survive an apocalypse. Some their second and third….

“Because he died,” Max answers, and Eddie’s mouth dropped open.

“Because he used to be our friend,” Dustin added, which is actually more surprising in some ways. 

“Because he’s my ex,” Steve says, finally addressing the real elephant in the room if all of the others matching tense expressions was any indication. 

Harrington Living Room

“He saved me. But, no one wanted to see that,” El said, her own tears staining her face as she retold the story of last July. 

“The Hawkins lab and the press have had an ongoing, lethal NDA since, what four years ago now? By the time Vecna rolled around, well, we were as close as you got to for experts at that point. The mall burned down because we had to kill the monster inside it. Without alerting the town there was one in the first place.”

“Which, happened to be controlled by the bigger monster possessing Billy at the time,” Lucas finished, because one look at Steve confirmed he couldn't. 

“As the building was burning down, The Mind Flayer basically had El, ready for the monster, but Billy, our Billy broke through. Sacrificed himself to the monster so she could get away. So we all could.” Dustin finished. 

“None of us knew if he was alive or dead for months,” Max chimed in. “And then one day, he just shows up on our doorstep. Looking like he got the shit beat out of him. Didn't say where he’s been, or why. I wasn’t even sure it was him. So I tested him.”

“How?” Lucas asked, evidently even he hadn’t heard the story. 

“I punched him,” Max shrugged, “He didn't block it or fight back. He barely even looked at me. He just waited, until Neil stopped screaming and then went to his room. He’s been like that ever since. Whoever, whatever he is now, that isn’t my brother.”

Hawkins High Locker Room

It's been 34 days since he returned to Hawkins, and there's still another 156 days left in the semester until he can graduate and move back to California. He’d leave now if that was an option. But it wasn't. 

He just wants to get through the school year without any trouble. He’s lived through enough already. But its evident in the next moment, Carver and Hill aren’t gonna let that happen. 

“Oh how the mighty fall,” Carver laughs, referring to Billy’s more-scar-tissue-than-unmarred-flesh shirtless torso. “Serves you right, karmas a bitch, huh?”

“I told you, I didn't do that shit.”

It was of the general Hawkins misunderstanding that Billy set the mall on fire, as an act of ‘unamerican criminal mischief’ turned way wrong. They also say he endangered the lives of several minors as well as many ‘respected members of the community.’ 

When Billy was hit with so much violence and hatred upon reintegration, he almost high tailed it back to California with his tail between his legs. But then, and now, he had exactly $197 to his name, and he needed more than that to get out of here for good. 

“Right, just like you didn't try and fuck Chrissy at Tina’s Halloween party right?” Hill piled on. 

He actually didn't. Chrissy was a friend. And Billy was gayer than Liberace. Just outfitted with denim instead of glitter. But Hill and Carvers sudden and vicious betrayal still stung and he just wasn’t in the fucking mood. 

“Didn’t need to initiate anything. She was begging for a fuck on anything bigger that pencil dick of yours.”

The next moment Tommy’s fist is in his gut, knocking him down before he has a chance to brace. Carver is standing above him, one shoe making contect with his solar plexus when he tries to raise up off his knees. 

“Remember your place fag,” he sneers and Billy laughs in his face.

“Well which is it? Am I fucking your girl on the side or too busy choking on cock? Can’t do both.”

Carver launched his own attack now, kicking into Billy’s chest hard until he wheezed. Hill added a right hook that knocked Billy flat on his ass. 

Any other day, before The Mindflayer, he could have taken them both. But almost all of his former strength vanished with the monster attack. He was vulnerable to everything they gave him. And what’s worse, he’s lost all will to get back up. 

It wasn't long before Tommy’s own kicks started. Billy’s been in this position on the floor all too often. He pulls his legs against his chest so hopefully his ribs won’t break under their combined force.  

-

Billy skipped the rest of his classes that day. 

After Carver and Hill left, (got bored of kicking an unresponsive Billy), he just laid there on the cold, filthy floor. All through the lunch period. No one else came into the locker room. Not even the Coach. Billy was grateful. It took longer than usual for him to get back up these days, and he really didn't want an audience to his shame. 

The quarry

Billy didn't go home. He didn't want to explain the bruises that weren’t from Neil. Neil would accuse him of trying to get social services called. So he just stayed out, drove to the quarry, lit up a cigarette and watched the sun go down and the moon rise. 

Some undetermined time later, another vehicle arrived at the quarry. For a moment, Billy froze, expecting to see the cops truck, or his fathers, here to drag him back home by his hair. But it wasn’t, it was Eddie fucking Munson’s screaming metal death trap and that was somehow worse. He didn't want to talk to anyone right now. Let alone his ex’s new BFF. 

Billy ignored Eddie when he exited his car. Maybe if Eddie realized he wasn't welcome, he’d leave. Eddie was soft. Billy, even now, could probably still scare him away. 

“Thought I might find you here,” Eddie says and the statement sets him the fuck off. 

“The fuck is that supposed to mean?”

Eddie’s huge eyes only got bigger and his hands flew up in surrender. 

“Nothing, just, this is a good space to think. Figured after today you'd be looking for thinking space is all.”

“And why would I need that?”

Eddie grins, hands still up in the air. 

“Okay, you caught me. Steve uh, filled me in with what happened today. With Jason.”

Billy balks and jumps off the hood of his car that he was comfortably sitting on. He is not here to talk about this. Fuck Eddie Munson. 

“Wait! Billy hang on,” Eddie pleads, and for some reason, it stops Billy in place. He doesn't bother turning around. 

“You got three seconds freak.” 

“I brought weed.”

Billy huffs in frustration before yanking his hand off the door handle. 

“...Alright.”

-

“What's going on with you man,” Eddie asks, not more than three seconds into Billy’s hit. Guy really knows how to kill a high. Probably how he stays employed. 

“Nothing’s going on with me,” he said because it's true. He’s been silent for months. He’s just trying to make it to May. As soon as he graduates he can get the fuck out of this hellhole. Go back to California, his home. It's where he belongs. 

“That's what I mean. I actually never thought I’d say this, but I kinda miss being bullied by you.”

Billy takes another hit instead of passing the joint, flipping Eddie off. 

The brunette only laughs in amusement, his eyes crinkling adorably as he laughed. 

“Yes finally! Goddamn this has been the longest slow burn of my life!”

Billy rolls his eyes but the weed is helping soften some of his bad mood. And maybe the company is helping. He won't admit that shit outloud though. Never again. 

Eddie follows up with, “Carver’s a dick, don't let him get to you.”

Billy scoffs. 

“I’m not.”

“Then why are you out here?” Eddie asked, far more perceiving than Billy appreciates right now. 

“What’s it to you?”

Eddie’s eyes are too honest when he says,

“I don't know.”

Billy doesn't like it. Doesn't like how its making him feel. He can’t let someone else get in the way again. 

Billy shrugs, admission falling off his lips easier than expected. 

“I wasn’t planning on going home.”

Eddie’s eyebrows raise to his hairline but Billy didn't see it. He was too busy staring at the body of water that had to be below freezing by now. 

“So you’re just gonna what? Sleep here? In your car, all night?”

No. Ideally, if he jumped from this height, the impact would probably be enough to break some bones. His neck preferably, but beggars can't be choosers. 

“That's not what I said.”

Its eerily quiet in the next moments, as what Billy meant finally sunk in. Billy’s hand shakes on his last inhale. 

“Oh…” Munson says.

Well, at least Eddie didn't apologize, or launch into a monologue of 1000 reasons to live. 

“Yeah…” Billy sighs, feeling lighter but also so much worse finally admitting just how far gone he was out loud. He passes the dead joint back to Eddie before pulling out his car keys. 

“Wait, where- where are you going?” Eddie asks, panic obvious in his voice. 

Billy wishes he could feel something. Anything. 

“Home. Can’t try and kill myself now, can I?”

Eddie’s expression exposed he was probably suffering from the illusion that someone genuinely giving a shit could be enough for Billy to change his mind. But it wasn’t. Not long term. Not after everything he’s been through. “Night Munson, thanks for the weed.” 

[muslimintp-1999-girl]

I finished the 1st book in the Shatter Me series so here's some of my highlighted lines from it :

I always wonder about raindrops. I wonder about how they’re always falling down, tripping over their own feet, breaking their legs and forgetting their parachutes as they tumble right out of the sky toward an uncertain end.

I’ve been screaming for years and no one has ever heard me.

No one is ever close enough.

I only know now that the scientists are wrong. The world is flat. I know because I was tossed right off the edge and I’ve been trying to hold on for 17 years. I’ve been trying to climb back up for 17 years but it’s nearly impossible to beat gravity when no one is willing to give you a hand. When no one wants to risk touching you.

The moon is a loyal companion. It never leaves. It’s always there, watching, steadfast, knowing us in our light and dark moments, changing forever just as we do. Every day it’s a different version of itself. Sometimes weak and wan, sometimes strong and full of light. The moon understands what it means to be human. Uncertain. Alone. Cratered by imperfections.

The natural elements were at war with one another because we abused our ecosystem.

He’s smiling again and I’d like to take a picture. I’d like to stare at the curve of his lips for the rest of my life.

Look at me, is what I wanted to say to you. Talk to me every once in a while. Find me a cure for these tears, I’d really like to exhale for the first time in my life.

They don’t bother to be bothered by the beauty that falls from the sky. They don’t understand the freedom in feeling the universe on their skin. They don’t care.

They say the weather wasn’t always so unpredictable. They say there were birds who used to soar through the skies like planes.

Hope in this world bleeds out of the barrel of a gun.

My eyes are 2 professional pickpockets, stealing everything to store away in my mind. I lose track of the minutes we trample over.

So many people must’ve died to sustain this luxury.

Reality slaps me in the face. Mortification muddles my brain, desperate humiliation clouds my judgment

He says my name like a whisper

I want to hate him and judge him and scream forever but I’m failing because all I see is an 8-year-old boy who doesn’t remember that he used to be the kindest person I ever knew.

I saw the world and its lack of compassion, its harsh, grating judgment, and its cold, resentful eyes. I saw it all around me.

I spent my life folded between the pages of books.

Adam is gone even though he said he would stay. I don’t understand him I don’t understand his actions I don’t understand my disappointment.

The dining room is big enough to feed thousands of orphans

I feel like I’m struggling to swallow a toothpick.

.....the wind is singing outside my window but it’s high-pitched and off-key and I don’t have the heart to tell it to stop.

I’d like to cry into his eyes.

His voice hugs the letters in my name so softly I die 5 times in that second.

I don’t know why or how or what or anything at all except that he is still my friend.

He says it with a small smile the size of Jupiter.

Hope is hugging me, holding me in its arms, wiping away my tears and telling me that today and tomorrow and two days from now I will be just fine and I’m so delirious I actually dare to believe it.

his voice like an icicle piercing the flesh of my memories

“You’ve been on the edge of insanity your entire life, haven’t you? So many people called you crazy you actually started to believe it. You wondered if they were right. You wondered if you could fix it. You thought if you could just try a little harder, be a little better, smarter, nicer—you thought the world would change its mind about you. You blamed yourself for everything.”

I don’t want to be anything for anyone but myself.

“You were the only one who ever looked at me like a human being.”

He just made sure he was close enough to scare away everyone else.

I stand up to stare out the small square of a window only to be met by the bleak backdrop of a broken city.

I want to wash my soul in the bottomless blue of his eyes.

Every butterfly in the world has migrated to my stomach.

“There’s very little I wouldn’t do for you.”

".....There was nothing inherently wrong with you.” Nothing inherently wrong with you.

“Laughter comes from living.” I shrug, try to sound indifferent. “I’ve never really been alive before.”

The possibility of losing him is 100 years of solitude I don’t want to imagine.

There are 400 cotton balls caught in my windpipe.

1,320 seconds walk into the room before he does.

The collapse of our human society should not come as a surprise. We brought it upon ourselves

I have no doubt he’s swayed many people with such fanciful thoughts. Hope for a future that seems lost. Inspiration in a bleak world with nothing to offer. He is a natural leader. A talented orator.

“I—yes—I’d like that,” I stammer, excited, 4 years old and still believing in fairies.

My smile is wider than the Pacific Ocean. My heart is so full of relief, comfort, acceptance.

I take big lungfuls of air and savor the taste. Things are changing, but this time I’m not afraid. This time I know who I am. This time I’ve made the right choice and I’m fighting for the right team. I feel safe. Confident. Excited, even. Because this time? I’m ready.

[applepi00]

Self Indulgent Explanations of Perfect Disaster’s Playlists

,,So I mentioned doing this list months ago but today I have enough nothing going on to actually do it! So, here’s the youtube version and here’s the spotify version, they’re mostly the same save for a few songs that are exclusive to the youtube version. I’ll do all the common songs in order as they are in the playlist and then do the odd ones out at the end!

1. Ever After by Marianas Trench, this song is the source for the title (I could be your perfect disaster, you could be my ever after) but generally the whole pre-chorus through to the second verse were what put this on the list!

2.  The Bones of You by Elbow, this was poached from another playlist, but was included for the hook (and I’m five years ago and three thousand miles away) as well as the bit about “I love the bones of you that I will never escape” and the bridge!! “I can’t move my arm for fear that you will wake” just hit the vibe exactly!

3. Clair by Have Mercy, also poached from the same playlist Bones of You, but was included for the lines “You’ll always be someone if anyone says you’re not” and the entire repeated chorus of needing love, of still having that hole in your chest, it felt so right for the situation in the fic.

4. I Don’t Like Who I was Then by The Wonder Years, again poached, but this song just fit so well with the ideas when I was starting the fic, in fact a bunch of Dazai’s dialogue lines are actually almost exactly lines from the song! Such as the bit’s about trying put his past self in the ground, or when about being eighteen and afraid and how that wasn’t an excuse, just ugh the chorus and bridge espcially are so good for this fic.

5. I Just Want to Sell Out My Funeral by The Wonder Years, in the playlists for the lines: “I’m scared shitless of failure and I’m staring out at where I wanna be” and “I just wanna be enough for everyone” and “I used to have such steady hands but now I can’t keep them from shaking” and “I was kinda hoping you’d stay/I need you to stay” and “Cuz I’m sick of seeing ghosts and I know how it’s all gonna end”

6. Move Along by The All-American Rejects, mostly here for the chorus, that “keep trying” vibe felt integral considering this is the “fix yourselves” fic compared to the rest of the series.

7. Pressure by Paramore, here for “tell me where our time went and if it was time well spent, just don’t let me fall asleep feeling empty again” and “cuz I fear I might break and I fear I can’t take it”

8. Emergency by Paramore, here for the vibes mostly, not even specific lines really but the chorus fits and the instrumental and vocal style fit the tone I had in mind

9. Say Anything by Marianas Trench, god this song fit so well with some of the self-punishing behaviours that both Chuuya and Dazai indulge in, so: “I could take it if you need to take this out on someone” and the chorus and  “hurts the same when nobody knows guess that’s just how it goes and I won’t say anything at all” and just ugh that whole self-hating vibe ended up influencing how Chuuya’s spiralling out now that there are no immediate crises to jump to.

10. Nobody Puts Baby in the Corner by Fall Out Boy, here for “and if you say this makes you happy then I’m not the only one lying” and “keep quiet nothing comes as easy as you, can I lay in your bed all day?” and “wear me like a locket around your throat, I’ll weigh you down I’ll watch you choke, you look so good in blue”

11. Easier by The Crane Wives, this was the vibe for Dazai through Masterpiece as well and it just kinda expanded to both of them, that whole “if I was someone else, if I weren’t myself would this be easier” thing digs so so well into the insecurities and neuroses in this fic

12. Masterpiece Theatre II by Marianas Trench, another carry over from this masterpiece will (tear you apart), here for “this broken beautiful mess that I've made” and “this is just a part I portray... can I hide in you and stay here?” and just that whole thing about finding comfort from your demons in another.

13. Apple Pie by Lizzy McAlpine, suggested to me by my good friend Bailey ages ago, the soft domestic feel fit right in particularly “I found you under an April sky, and you feel like city-life, apple pie baked just right, home is wherever you are tonight” and “I’ll be fine with that goodbye as long as I don’t have to say goodbye to you as well”

14. How Do I tell You? by Lizzy McAlpine, here for “I’m a little scared you’ll leave, even though you tell me you won’t” and “I’m a little scared to be someone you’re scared to love” and “I’m a little scared to speak, cuz I can’t find the words to say, I don’t want to make this about me I just can’t hold it in today” and “How do I tell you that I don’t know what it means to be happy with somebody, don’t know anything bout that” and “I  feel like I found my place”

15. Love Run (Intro) by The Amazing Devil, here for “run to show that love’s worth running to”

16. Little Miss Why So by The Amazing Devil, the vibe of trying to care for a depressed loved one that won’t take your help was heavily influential for the fic with Chuuya’s parts turning out the way they did, “it’s daylight again and you look like I’ve failed you” and “I don’t know how to reach you when you get like this, I’ve been waiting for you to come home” and “Stop making up death wishes and take my lifeline” and “If I’m good will you come back?” 

17. Wild Blue Yonder by The Amazing Devil, here for the chorus: “so hold me, lover, like you used to, so tight I’d bruise you” and “try please try for me”

18. Farewell Wanderlust by The Amazing Devil, the diaogue with the inner demons personified was interesting to me, but also: “I promise you I’ll be better, I promise you I’ll try, but like rubbing wine stains into rugs it’s my curse to try to make things right but by trying make them worse”

19. That Unwanted Animal by The Amazing Devil, here for “You try so loud to love me, I cannot seem to hear” and just generally most of Madeleine’s sharp passionate lines through the last few verses are just so good, so fitting vibe wise.

20. Dead on Arrival by Fall Out Boy, here for “this conversations been dead on arrival” and “a rivalry goes so deep between me and this loss of sleep over you.” Literally neither of these boys actually fucking sleep even half decently through this fucking fic, why did I do this to them?

21. The Patron Saint of Liars and Fakes by Fall Out Boy, here for “when it all goes to hell will you be able to tell me ‘sorry’ with a straight face?”

22. Our Lady of Sorrows by My Chemical Romance, holy fuck this song gave me so many little lines I bit into in my head, like “we could be perfect one last night and die like star-crossed lovers when we fight” and  “shed your yellow take my hand” and “stand up fucking tall don’t let them see your back and take my fucking hand and never be afraid again” and “I’ll make you understand and you can trade me for an apparition” and “just because my hand’s around your throat (doesn’t mean I don’t love you)”

23. Demolition Lovers by My Chemical Romance, god this song is the vibe for most of my iterations of SKK, just generally speaking, but it’s here for: “I’m trying, I’m trying to let you know how much you mean to me, and after all the things we put each other through” and “I feel like there’s nothing left to do but prove myself to you”

24. To The End by My Chemical Romance, here for “If you marry me, would you bury me? Would you carry me to the end?”

25. It’s Not a Fashion Statement It’s a Deathwish by My Chemical Romance, here for “the damage you’ve inflicted temporary wounds I’m coming back from the dead, I’ll take you home with me, I’m taking back the life you stole” and “just you and I, your starless eyes remain” and “I lost my fear of falling, I will be with you”

26. House of Wolves by My Chemical Romance, here for “well I know a thing about contrition, cuz I got enough to spare” and “tell  me I’m an agenl, take this to my grave, tell me I’m a bad man, kick me like a stray”

27. Bulletproof Heart by My Chemical Romance, absolutely one of my top picks for SKK songs, but it hits right from the first line: “gravity don’t mean too much to me, I’m who I’ve got to be” and “I got a bulletproof heart, you’ve got a hollow-point smile” (tell me that isn’t soukoku, it fits them so well!!) and “so get me out of my head, cuz it’s getting kinda cramped you know” just, the vibes in this song are perfect

28. The Only Hope For Me Is You by My Chemical Romance, again mostly the chorus: “can I be the only hope for you? Cuz you’re the only hope for me”

29. Summertime by My Chemical Romance, here for “when the lights go down will you take me with you?” and “if you stay, I could even wait all night, or until my heart explodes, how long until we find our way in the dark and out of harm? You can run away with me anytime you want” and “turn my headphones up real loud, don’t thinkI need them now, cuz you stop the noise”

30. All I Wanted by Paramore, here for “think of me when you’re out there,I’ll beg you nice from my knees” and “all I wanted was you” and “I could follow you to the beginning just to relive the start, maybe then we’d remember to slow down at all of our favourite parts”

31. Of All the Gin Joints in the World by Fall Out Boy, here for “sometimes I just want to know what it’s like to be you” and “I used to waste my time dreaming of being alive (now I waste it dreaming of you)” and “I’ve got headaches and bad luck but they couldn’t touch you”

32. 7 Minutes in Heaven (Atavan Halen) by Fall Out Boy, here for “I’ll be stuck fixated on one star when the world is crashing down” and “I’m not going home along, cuz I don’t do too well on my own” and “I’m having another episode, I just need a stronger dose”

33. I Slept With Someone In Fall Out Boy and All I Got Was This Stupid Song Written About Me by Fall Out Boy, here for “I found the cure to getting older, and you’re the only place that feels like home” and “some secrets weren’t meant to be told” and “douse yourself in cheap perfume it’s so fitting of the way you are, you can’t cover it up” and “find a safe place, brace yourself, bite your lip” and “brace yourself, they call kids like us vicious and carved out of stone, but for what we’ve become, we just feel more alone” and “Always weigh what I’ve got against what I left, so progress report: I am missing you to death”

34. My Heart by Paramore, here for “I’m finding out that maybe I was wrong, that I’ve fallen down and I can’t do this alone" and “stay with me, this is what I need please” and “I am nothing now and it’s been so long since I’ve heard a sound, the sound of my only hope” and “my heart it beats for only you/my heart is yours”

35. Early Sunsets over Monroeville by My Chemical Romance, another song I keep drawing from, in particular it a good chunk of the inspo for my skk week fic and for the vampire fic I’m muddling on! But it’s here for “running away and hiding with you, I never thought they’d get me here... I fought them all off just to hold you close and tight” and “and in saying you loved me, made things harder at best” but just the whole soft melancholic feel, and the refrain of ending things if necessary, it fits the fic well

36. Old Friends Like Lost Teeth by The Wonder Years, here for “we lost you last week but you walked into the room again” and “I know it’s a bad dream” and that whole chorus, and “a song about death in my head, and I can’t help but hum along”

37. Local Man Ruins Everything by The Wonder Years, here for “I’m trying to hold it together but irony’s found cracks in the foundation” and “I’m not a self-help book I’m just a fucked up kid” and “it’s not about forcing happiness, it’s about not letting sadness win”

38. There,There by The Wonder Years, here for “you’re just trying to read but I’m always standing in your light, you’re just trying to sleep but I’m always waking you up just to apologize” and “I’m lost in my head again”

39. Porcelain by Marianas Trench, here for “it’s alright if you don’t know what you need” and “I’m right here if you need someone to see, it’s speak or forever hold your peace, it’s alright to take time and find where you’ve been”

40. Careful by Paramore, here for “I settled down a twisted up frown disguised as a smile” and “hope for me was a place uncharted” and “the truth never set me free so I did it myself” and “open your eyes like I opened mine, it’s only the real world” and “shifting your weight to throw off the pain, you can ignore it but only for so long” and “it hurts remembering how it felt to shut down”

41. Cosmos (Outer Space) by t.A.T.U., here for “feel no more feel no less” and “stars we don’t wanna reach, scars we don’t wanna stitch” and just, home as space (zero gravity) is a consistent theme in my head for these two

42. Jackie and Wilson by Hozier, here for the fun vibes and “we’ll steal a Lexus be detectives driving ‘round picking up clues” and “no better version of me I could pretend to be tonight” and “with my mid-youth crisis all said and done, I need to be youthfully felt cuz god I’ve never felt young” and just the chorus guys, it tickles at me for this fic

43. Famous Last Words by My Chemical Romance, another song I keep going back to! It was actually the principle song that inspired When the Sun Goes Black! It’s in this list for “but where’s you heart? And I know there’s nothing I can say to change this part” and “a love that’s so demanding I can’t speak” and “I am not afraid to keep on living, I am not afraid to walk this  world alone, honey if you stay you’ll be forgiven, nothing you can say can stop me going home” and “these bright lights have always blinded me” and god the whole bridge has inspired so many fics and chapters for me, it’s so good

44. Clarity by Zedd ft. Foxes, a song I wasn’t expecting but it came on the radio and hit me like a sack of bricks. “Or clocks tick ‘till it breaks your glass and I drown in you again” and “you are the piece of me I wish I didn’t need” and “if our love is tragedy, why are you my remedy? If our love is insanity, why are you my clarity” and “refuse to make amends, it cuts deep through our ground and makes us forget all common sense

BONUS Youtube Only: 1/6 -out of gravity- by Vocaliod-P (translation by SirHamnet/Lily Chen), here for “someday I promise I’ll surely take you with me high up above the satellites and out of this gravity” and “when I finally found you I saw that your eyes were heavy, I asked you what was wrong but ‘I’m okay’ is what you told me” and ahhh most of this song really since it’s all about reducing gravity to make a loved one’s troubles feel lighter and that hits exactly right for this fic and this series and this iteration of my boys, please listen to it

[everygame]

Star Soldier (NES)

Developed/Published by: Hudson Soft Released: 13/06/1986 Completed: 10/07/2024 Completion: Beat it using all warps, saving at the start of each level (and before each boss. I’ll admit it!)

The Star Soldier series is an interesting one–or rather, its position in the pantheon is interesting. If you’re a Japanese gamer, it’s legendary–the core franchise in Hudson’s yearly “All-Japan Caravan Festival” where the company toured its games across Japan and players took part in timed score-attack challenges. For everyone else, it’s… a shooter series that is barely remembered and not especially highly rated.

Without an equivalent caravan–and the series not being released in arcades–there would have been little chance for western audiences to get exposed to Star Soldier, so unlike your Gradiuses or your R-Types, where you would be thrilled by it in arcades and then want whatever home version you could get your hands on, with Star Soldier you were taking a gamble on something that didn’t look like much of anything–especially when this wasn’t released until 1989 in North America!

And, to be honest, such a gamble would have been… ill-advised. It’s not that Star Soldier is bad as such, it’s just that in 1986–never mind 1989–it’s just a bit… underwhelming. Coming just two months after Konami’s superb port of Gradius, it already feels like a throwback to the immediate post-Xevious era as a visually simple vertical shooter with an emphasis on enemy patterns and hidden tiles that feels undoubtedly workman-like, with little variety from stage to stage.

It does have its quirks, however. The power-up system offers some risk-reward in that after a few power-ups you’re quickly given full multi-directional firing and a shield that protects you from basic enemy shots, but as soon as you take a hit you lose the multi-directional firing for a straight double shot, but you can’t get it back until you’ve lost your shield completely. Every power-up you pick-up instead works as a smart bomb, meaning that you have to either endanger yourself for later gains or rely on the occasional power ups as pressure releases (trusting, of course, that you can navigate to them on screen when they’re at their most useful.)

The secret tiles also offer more than just points and extra lives–at the cost of obscurity that is often worse than The Tower of Druaga. In fact, unless you’re playing on an actual Famicom, you can’t access one of the tiles at all (as it requires shouting into the second controller’s microphone.) That one is “Takahashi’s Expert Thumb” which allows you to get 16 shots on screen at one time, but there’s also a laser power-up that only shows up once(?) that requires you to press select at the right moment, and then of course there’s the new, post-Super Mario Bros. essential, warps, which can get you through the game skipping half the levels if you’re able to ensure your score matches digits at the hundreds and thousands, which is not easy to do.

So far, fair enough, but not every quirk is to the game’s benefit. The biggest and most baffling thing that any player of Star Soldier will immediately experience is that sometimes your ship goes under the stage. While that’s happening, you can’t shoot or be shot, which sounds like it would be good if you could control it, but as far as I could work out–and I’ve spent ages searching for information on this–it is close to random. 

It feels like it doesn’t happen if you try and cross over tiles from the side, but there are many situations where you have to approach them from the front, and it doesn’t always result in you going under. If there’s any true rhyme or reason to it it’s locked away in some ancient Japanese strategy guide that’s never been digitised–but I wouldn’t be surprised if that also threw its hands up.

All that really matters is that any time it happens, you don’t want it to. Because you can’t control it, you can never think “oh, I’ll pop under this bit of the stage and chill out while I’m being swarmed” instead it’s usually “gotta get that power up!” [goes under stage, misses power up] or popping out from under directly into enemy fire or straight into an enemy.

Additionally, the game is seriously punishing when it comes to the bosses. There are only two–which I can’t be too hard on, I mean Gradius really only has the one–but if you can’t defeat them within a harsh time limit the game throws you back quite a bit through the level and demands you try again! You’ve got just ten seconds to defeat the Star Brain, and thirty to defeat the Big Star Brain.

The sneaky trick here is that the game offers you auto-fire once you’re powered up, but in order to defeat in particular the Big Star Brain using it you have to be perfect. My own experience is ultimately anecdotal, here, but you are actually expected to do your best Takahashi Meijin impression by hammering the fire button to fire faster than the auto-fire–and even at that, defeating the bosses is probably more efficiently done with the double shot.

It feels a touch cruel and probably a reaction to the fact that the game honestly doesn’t feel that difficult outside of that. It’s not something you’d breeze through–and I definitely didn’t attempt to master its intricacies–but most of my deaths during the levels seemed to come from frustration with dipping under the stage, meaning that the bosses feel like the major issue (though if my anecdotal evidence is correct, you might be able to breeze through them with a good autofire.)

Ultimately? The fact is that nothing Star Soldier does is all that interesting–apart from the things that are annoying about it.

Will I ever play it again? The value in any shooter really is in how much you’d like to play it from the beginning and see how far you can get or how high you can score. I feel no interest in that here.

Final Thought: Not only were North American players who were unfortunate enough to buy this denied Takahashi’s Expert Thumb, Taxan’s release was so lazy that they missed that the game features an entire second, increased difficulty mode that can also only be unlocked by using a code that involves shouting into the second controller. It’s even got different graphics!

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[blonde-n-dirty]

Thank you to my husband….

I have spent my whole life learning to survive alone. From day 1 I had to learn I am the only 1 I can count on, then one thing after the next would happen to confirm that. I was raised to believe I am worthless, I was reminded daily, I was used for money & what I could provide to my family, I was never a person who mattered. I’m not able to be sick & have someone care for me, I’m not able to take a day off, I’ve never been allowed to say no, I was never allowed to save money bc all checks were taken, literal shit was thrown at me if I didn’t clean well enough or on time, & if I spoke about my feelings I was told feelings don’t exist, & men want you to be seen & not heard. So in my relationships- romantic or friendship- I carried that with me. In past relationships, my inability to communicate feelings, or sometimes my inability to control and contain my feelings because they were so big, caused problems. But not with you. From day 1 you recognized my feelings & my heart were different from others. Either I am emotion-less for a long time, or I have big feelings, & you respected me equally either way. You saw from the beginning that I shut down BECAUSE I feel so big, & I take on others emotions w/o intending to bc I care so much. Your patience with me & my heart is unmatched.

It has been some time since I cried or allowed myself to sit in my emotions, & thank you for noticing it was time to let it out. In that cry I said “it is so hard to be chronically ill & in pain 24/7, but still have to devote your entire being to everyone else. I don’t get a day off & it is all on me to do everything & take care of everyone. I’m overwhelmed”, & in that moment I felt like I sounded like I didn’t appreciate you & I expected your feelings to be hurt so I apologized. Your response instead being “what can I do to help out daily? It is my job to make your life easier” I think is my favorite thing anyone has ever said to me & I’m now crying over it again. I can’t even put into words how much it means to me that YOU would suggest a chore chart so I feel less overwhelmed daily. That is love. Im not even sure if that would be helpful, I’m willing to try, but it means so much to me that you not only show me you love me, but you show me you respect me, my feelings, my time, & my process. I wish you could see how special you are as a man.

To go from your mom doing your laundry, feeding you, & cleaning for you, to you willing to learn how to clean a bathroom to MY standards because you love me, is a special kind of love that is so hard to find. You surprise me every day with how kind, gentle, smart, & romantic you can be & I fall in love more daily. You are constantly growing & trying to be the best version of you for me that you can be, you are always wanting & willing to learn new things for me, you appreciate God at the forefront of our marriage even though you had no beliefs before me just because you know how much my relationship with God means to me. & your hard work in every aspect of your life, & love/respect for me never goes unnoticed. I am so grateful you are the man our children will get to look up to & learn from, & I feel so lucky God chose me to walk by your side. I knew you in a thousand lives before this & I want you in every life beyond this.

I can’t wait to see where life takes us from here🤍

06.24.24❤️