#I’ve really improved since the last time I drew them!

[reinerismwrld]

You Drew Stars Around My Scars

PAIRING: Sebastian Sallow x Reader x Ominis Gaunt (implied poly-relationship)

SUMMARY: Sebastian and Ominis knew better. NEVER ask about how you got your face scar, but you’ve known them for 2 years now, almost 3, and curiosity got the best of them.

GENRE: Fluff, angst

WARNINGS: Mentions of blood, violence, torture, and traumatic past.

WORD COUNT: 1.6k words

“You know, a painting would be better and will last longer.” You didn’t move your sight from the book in front of you. The seventh year had just started, but somehow, you managed to have enough homework, and you felt like you were already falling behind.

Sebastian didn’t move. It wasn’t like it was the first time you caught him staring intensely at you.

“Well, not my fault you’re such a beauty.” You shook your head and chuckled at Sebastian’s comment. You knew he was looking directly at your scar, but who were you kidding? You always loved the attention he and Ominis gave you.

“Well, maybe if you actually started to study, you would actually improve.”

“Please, I’m already good. I even dare to say the perfect student,” Ominis snorted. After Sebastian hadn’t said anything to Omins, you knew he was up to something.

“Spit it out, Sallow.” The silence that filled the Room of Requirement was unsettling. You could hear the faint rain coming from one of the potting tables, which you may think could be relaxing, but when you are used to hearing Sebastian and Ominis (and even yourself) banter, the silence was more than telling. It was Ominis who finally decided to say something.

“We’ve known each other for some years now, we are even together now, so… Can we ask you about something? I will understand if you feel uncomfortable, sweetheart.” 

“Ominis, what’s happening?” You were starting to get nervous.

“Do you trust us?” What kind of dumb question was that? Of course, you trust them. They’ve been by your side since your first year in Hogwarts, the 3 of you have been in the most dangerous situations, which brought you even closer. Why the sudden and stupid question?

“Of course I do.”

“Well, then. How did you get that scar?” You tensed up. It always amazed you how, sometimes, Sebastian had zero tact.

“For Merlin’s sake Sebastian, couldn’t you be more insensitive?” 

“It’s ok, Omi,” you sighed. “A cat scratched me when I was 5.” You could’ve been honest, but you weren’t that sure if you wanted to tell them the truth now.

“Please, I’ve heard you tell better lies to Professor Weasley,” Sebastian said.

“Fine, fine… I was struck by lightning right on my face. But well, not even the gods could get rid of me,” you giggled. The lack of comments from Sebastian and Ominis was everything you needed to decide to finally open up to them. You sighed. “Just, promise this won’t change anything.” You could see Ominis’ questioning expression and Sebastian’s expectant one.

“I never knew who my parents were. From what I managed to know is that my mother passed away after giving birth, and my dad just left me there. I didn’t know that was even possible.” For the first time since you’ve known Sebastian, he was listening attentively.

“I ended up in an orphanage, which you already knew,” Ominis nodded. You always tried to leave your past, well, in the past, trying your best to get rid of the memories and self-concept you used to have, so bringing it up in front of them was challenging.

“I didn’t consider myself a troublemaker. I mean, I was always scared of the punishments the other kids said they would get whenever they did something bad. But…” you took a deep breath. “Even if I tried my best to behave well and not get in trouble, I managed to get the worst outcome out of all of them.” You closed your eyes. For a reason, telling the story was making your scar itch.

“There were these twins, a girl and a boy. Not really sure of what their names were. It’s not like I want to remember them now. They used to be the golden kids, the teachers’ pets if you can call them one way, and because of this, they always thought they could get away with everything, and they would get away with everything.” You started to scratch your scar, getting nervous.

“Because of this, they always liked to make fun of the other kids, bully them and basically be a pain in the ass for everyone but the adults. And well, I didn’t like the fact that the younger ones got the worst of it, so naturally I intervened. Let's just say that things got heated and I ended up punching the girl. She fell down, and well, as the “perfect little girl who couldn’t do any wrong,” she got away with it and I got in trouble.” you must have been scratching your left cheek harder than you noticed since Sebastian took your hand stopping you from doing it and smiled at him.

“I was on kitchen duty for about a month. Since it was my first time getting in trouble, they went easy on me. And I really thought that was it.” You felt a lump start to form in your throat. Somehow, Ominis knew the worst hadn’t happened yet, and he began to get nervous.

Maybe he wasn’t able to see how big your scar was, but Sebastian’s description and the glowing mark that he was able to see thanks to his wand was enough for him to know this wasn’t just a small scar you could get in a normal way.

“One night, I was woken up by someone who was sitting on my chest and someone who was grabbing my head to the right so I couldn’t move at all. It was the twins.” You summon all the courage inside you. But stopped. You didn’t understand why you couldn’t continue speaking. You’ve fought trolls, dark wizards, goblins, and gigantic spiders, and somehow, this was harder.

“Love, it’s ok. If you don’t want to tell us, we will understand.” Sebastian finally spoke, and your heart warmed at his comment. You felt a tear roll down your cheek and shook your head. You decided to continue.

“The brother, who was the one on top of me, had a blade in his hand. Even if his sister managed to hold my face to the right, I was able to take a look at him. He had this insane and unsettling look on his face.” Your whole body shivered at the memory. “He… Well, it’s not hard to guess, am I right?” You tried your best to defuse the tension, but it didn’t work. Sebastian and Ominis weren’t dumb. They have lived through so much that they already knew the next part. But still, they hoped they were wrong.

“He just started to cut and carve these.” You freed your hand from Sebastian’s hold and moved your finger, pointing at the area where your scar was. “And that’s it.” You decided to stop there. They didn’t need to know the details. How, even when you screamed the loudest you’ve ever screamed, no one ever came to help, how your tears burned the new marks that the kid made for weeks. How you used to hide the left side of your face every day until you knew you would go to Hogwarts. 

For the first time in the 2 years that you’ve known them, Ominis and Sebastian were speechless. 

“It’s fine, I guess. I like how I look now. And it’s basically a reminder that, if I was able to go through that, then life cannot be that bad now.” You really wanted them to relax since you noticed they were tense. 

“God, I love you so much.” Sebastian grabbed your hand again and kissed it. Ominis kissed your temple, and you smiled.

“I’m sorry if we pushed you to tell us this, sweetheart,” Ominis said.

“It’s ok. I wanted to be honest with you. I just… I was nervous. You have this image of me. The brave and reckless girl that became the Hero of Hogwarts. I don’t want you to think I’m faking it, or that I’m weak just because of this.”

“We would never think you’re weak. I would even dare to say that you are braver than we thought.” Sebastian nodded at Ominis’ comment.

“You went through that and even more, and you still managed to put a smile on your face. You are still one of the most compassionate, sweet, and incredible girl we’ve ever met.” Sebastian moved his chair so he was closer to you. He started to caress your cheek, the cheek that had the scar. It tickled.

“I speak for both of us that we are now here to protect and love you, even if you don’t need the protection, since you are the most powerful witch there is,” you laughed. “What I’m trying to say is that you don’t have to go through something like that ever again. You won’t go through anything like that since you have us, sweetheart.” Ominis gave you a quick peck.

The more you thought about it the happier you were feeling.

Since the first day, they have been there for you. Even if the beginning was rough, with so much pain and loss, they never stopped talking to you. Even if at the beginning you didn’t open up to them like they did, they still continued to be there for you, with the hopes of you opening up little by little, and it worked. 

For the first time in years someone knew the truth you tried so hard to hide and ignore. And for the first time in your life you knew that with them, you didn’t have to hide your past or be scared of it anymore. And it felt good.

h o g w a r t s l e g a c y m a s t e r l i s t

m a s t e r l i s t s

n a v i g a t i o n

[ruebeedraws]

Returning from my hiatus with our villainous trio! For some reason they haven’t left my headspace and I needed to share more of their antics.

Like before, they would hardly call each other friends. But considering their crimes and actions, they really only have each other to talk to and “trust” (to their dismay). At this point I could make an entire AU on their dysfunctional “friend group”, but idk what I would call it.

It’s been a little over a year since I’ve drawn all 3 together again and I’ve began to notice some significant improvements from the last time I drew them, which I’m very happy with!

[sylver-drawer]

I want to remind everyone that Jennette and Ijekiel’s relationship in the novel never improves. Ijekiel may have ‘moved on’, but it wasn’t really of his own accord—it’s because Athy literally encouraged him to go with Jennette (which I’ve already mentioned whose encouragement stems from her rose-tinted glasses of dehumanizing both Ijekiel and Jennette). Jennette, whose feelings and psyche we’ve delved into multiple times throughout the novel, hates Ijekiel’s falsity the most. She may be afraid of his anger and frustration, but that’s because it would be so foreign to her—but at the same time, it would be relief because at the very least it means it’s Ijekiel finally laying his feelings bare to her. But Ijekiel made it clear to her during his rejection that he has no intention to ever be genuine to her—that he will keep up his mask, monitor his emotions closely while still spitting out cruel words as if he were angry, though he dare not present so. That’s what scares her most, and what she despises terribly.

So the novel ends with Jennette exiled to outside of Obelia, waking up after attempting to off herself with her magic, alone with the man who just conveyed to her that he will never be genuine or truthful with her. In Ijekiel’s side, the woman he loved just told him to go with Jennette—who he has SO much unpacked baggage with already, being that he never saw or acknowledged Jennette as a woman (not romantically, I’m saying he constantly views her as a child despite her being an adult and having multiple enigmas, personal conflict, and growth through the years), still and will always view her as someone who will chase after him and ignore his feelings or opinions (which stems from an image he himself wanted to uphold, Jennette always wanted him to give his true opinions and gave him PLENTY of times to reject her and her requests), and overall just has so much pent up feelings and resentment for Jennette for little things throughout his childhood that’s too much to resolve without a proper heart-to-heart with Jennette—which he already resolved to never doing.

Which ends the novel with both of them at basically their most uncomfortable, stuck with the person they very much never want to be around. It’s hell. It’s gonna be hell. They’re practically strangers—people who’ve been around each other for nearly two decades, but don’t know the first thing about the other. And now it’s extremely awkward because of their fight, and the line Ijekiel drew that because of Jennette’s extremely fragile mental state, will force Ijekiel to have to be the first one to reach out. And he won’t. Because he’s not used to reaching out, especially to Jennette of all people (as Jennette’s always been the one to try and reach out, and he’s always been the one to put up a mask and comply even if he truly wishes not to).

And we know this is true, because Athy and Lucas literally talk about it at the end of the LP sidestories. After Athy comes back from her LP adventure, she decides to take a trip and visit Jennette and Ijekiel—and Lucas states something along the lines of how they don’t even meet eachother’s eyes (Athy takes it as both of them not dating, which I’m completely confused about, and chalk it up to Plutus forcing a pairing somewhat, as when we last saw them they couldn’t even be called friends). When Athy and Jennette exchange letters, there is no mention of Jennette and Ijekiel’s relationship. Athy even remarks that, before Jennette started exchanging letters, her letters with Ijekiel were mostly of Jennette’s condition because (she) was worried about her (not that Ijekiel talks about Jennette on his own, Athy has to inquire about Jennette—which was also what Ijekiel was jealous of right before his rejection of Jennette, that Athy only seemed to love and ask about Jennette in his presence). Nothing has improved since the official end of the novel, and it’s the last we see of them, and I honestly don’t really have much faith that it’ll improve anytime soon. At least, not without Athy’s intervention, but that would require more of Athy’s own growth.

[leapdayowo]

5. What piece of art are you still proud of to this day?

I have a couple I’m still quite proud of! I tried to pick stuff that’s around a year+ older, and this isn’t really an extensive list. I’m proud of different works for different reasons, not just because I think they look pretty still to this day. That being said:

this piece is almost a year old (I can’t believe how time flies!) and I’m still proud of the lighting, poses, textures, and how this piece directs the eye around. These were all things I intentionally wanted to improve on with this piece as well as paint multiple characters in a scene, and I think I was successful :) I also used this piece as part of my portfolio which helped me get a couple scholarships, so definitely proud :D

I’m proud of the 30+ ceramic pieces I made my freshman year in college! Some of them turned out really neat, and I managed not to make many of them weigh more than a stack of bricks lol I learned a lot making these and gained a love for ceramics. I gifted at least half of them to friends and family which was a bonus :3

This is a ceramic charm I made last spring using the ashes of my beloved and late cat Toby. There are ceramic beads inside that rattle softly when you shake the charm and it reminds me of him always (Toby was a house cat, but he was able to travel to Portugal and to college with me due to the charm). I think I’ll always be proud of this piece and how I processed my grief to make it

This is a sketch from 2019 that I’m actually still really proud of? I never did anything with it, but I really liked how I drew the character. This really stood out at the time because my art abilities were not what they are today

This piece is three years old! I still like the staging and how I was trying to convey a story in a single moment and kept the playful tone of the moment :) I especially liked how I painted the bottle and Impulse. I was also trying to incorporate backgrounds at this point. I’d like one day to maybe do a redraw of this piece cuz I can’t help myself from a redraw :3

And I’m also quite proud of this series of redraws (which I might do one more of this summer). I think it demonstrates my progress as an artist very well over the last six years and shows how I’ve developed my identity/art style

I’m also proud of this mural I painted for a church a couple summers ago! I’d never painted something this large and I had to take into account how the clouds would distort based on where you were looking since it isn’t a dome (90 degree corners). I’m a short person, so there was a lot of precarious walking on the scaffolding and doing some not so OSHA approved methods of reaching the purple arch (fortunately I’m not scared of heights too badly!). I used muscles I didn’t know my body had by trying to reach awkward angles. I did a smaller mural on the opposite side above the entry door. Both paintings brought a new life to the church that I was happy to provide even if I’m not all that religious

I’m still proud of this animation of chicken knight :D It was my first, non-flour sack animation on toon boom and I feel I did a very good job with being so new to digital animation at the time! The turnaround scene was very fun to do and getting the bloody floating tendril things to crack the egg was difficult to time out. I also became determined after this piece to always incorporate my watercolors in some way with my digital animations (which I still abide to to this day!)

Last one! I’m also proud of everything I did for the goop!wally au. It was the first time I stuck to making an au for an extensive amount of time, and I made a lot of art for it! I’m especially proud of the comics I made and how I could make a more heartwarming and fluffy au for people to enjoy :) I may return to this au since I left a lot unfinished, but despite my efforts to learn from past long term comics I still ended with lots of burn out so I still need to recover. Regardless, I’m proud I attempted to learn from my past mistakes and pace myself better making art for goop!wally! ask game <—— ask me a question :D

[fantasy-drawings-ra]

Here are some miscellaneous sketches that I drew last month. I hope you like them!

Image description:

The first image is of Eiland from Fields of Mistria a cozy slice of life game. He is in a 3/4 angle facing slightly towards the right. And is drawn from waist up. He has his head slightly tilted back with his left hand up in a gently questioning manner. He has a soft smile upon his face while looking at the view and his other hand is resting on his hip in a fist. Referencing his game sprite.

The second image is of Ryis also from Fields of Mistria. He is angled in a 3/4 angle favoring the right like the rest of the sprites. Also is from waist up. He has his left hand resting at his hip in a fist. Though diverting from his sprite I drew him with his right hand up in a slight saluting fashion close to his forehead. He has a gentle smile on his face while also looking at the viewer.

The third image is of Reina from Fields of Mistria. She is angled like the other sprites in game at a 3/4 leaning to the right so I drew it in a similar fashion. She is looking to the viewer with her left hand tucked a bit under head and a bit behind her short curly bob hairstyle with twin buns. Her other arm is leaning a bit forward to her. And she has a sweet smile on her face.

The fourth image is of Fakir from Princess Tutu in his school uniform in a head to shoulders shot. He is facing our right in a side profile style to pair with the next piece of Duck from Princess Tutu. He has a soft expression on his face.

The fifth image is of Duck from Princess Tutu to go with the Fakir piece. She is facing to our left to look as if they’re facing each other. It is another side profile that is from head to shoulders in her normal duck like sweater she wears at times in the series. And she has a soft smile on her face.

The sixth image is the Desmond Sycamore drawing from Professor Layton I previously posted here on a different post. He is slightly leaning back to an implied table or desk. With his head facing in a 3/4 angle to our left slightly where his body is slightly leaning to the right. He has a light cheeky/teasing smile to the view where his eyes are looking. His right hand is holding his face up while the elbow rests on the edge of the table. While his left hand is resting face down on the table with his arm outstretch slightly on said table.

The seventh and final image is another one of Desmond Sycamore from head to shoulders facing in a 3/4 angle to the right. Looking over his shoulder which is slightly facing the other direction. He is wearing a dark turtleneck sweater. And his expression is a bemused but kind smile.

End of Image description.

Bonus thoughts and facts:

I got interested in Fields of Mistria from seeing a few posts about it before release. Now after release I’ve been seeing a lot of artists and people who I watch videos of playing it. I really wish to play it as well but I don’t have a pc that can play it. Maybe in the future they might put it on a system I can play it on. But in the mean time it looks really fun and I really like the characters. I might draw sketches of more and maybe if I have time draw them in digital. I also might put up a poll in asking who to sketch next. Who knows?

I rewatched Princess Tutu again and was inspired to draw Duck and Fakir. It’s been about five to six years since I drew my last digital piece with them and let me say that I can see the age and mistakes. But that’s just part of the process of improvement. So I’m hoping to redraw them in my current style in digital sometime in the near future.

End of Post.

[khaotic-kris]

Okay so I have this thing I do with my sister where when I get out my college classes and I sit in my car, I’ll just snap a picture of my surroundings and draw a picture and then I send it to her. It’s my way to like relax from classes and a fun way to let my sister know I got out of class. I’ve been doing this since my second semester of college.

So every month or for a few weeks I do like a theme, December obviously Christmas theme drawings, October Halloween, one month just full of animals, one month of Overlord, another just Mortal Kombat characters as MK1 was going to come out that month, etc.

I like doing them because it feels fun and it’s like a cool thing between me and my sister. Even though I’m not an artist, I’m like the worst person ever in art, and it takes me about 30 to 40 minutes in the parking lot to draw them making me come home even later at times, I like doing them. Plus she often respond back with her own drawing based on what I drew.

So for my last month of my fall semester I decided to do kinnikuman, and again I am not an artist so I tried really hard and I know they’re not good but that’s fine and I decided I wanted to share them. I know they’re bad but I liked them I say these are my better drawings as the more I draw the better I improved.😂

I first made Kinnikuman as he’s the main character! He took me 25 minutes to draw, btw I drawn all of my pictures on Snapchat and free draw them, when I do characters, I try to draw them from memory and then I’ll add the stickers after I’m done to see how accurate I was. The muscle sign on his forehead (yeah I know I fucked up, but that was the best one I could do since I kept messing up😭) and his eyes were the hardest for me.

Next on the same week I did Terryman! Since the two are besties! This one also took 20 minutes to draw, and I actually don’t like it especially his sign, as it was so hard for me to draw.😭

At this point to save me time I started to pick characters beforehand and make the stickers beforehand as well. I kinda cheated here as I used a sticker and made an outline of Warsman’s head but everything else I did it on my own. Warsman one of my favorites characters in the series! So I gave him the most stickers! Also he was the quickest of the bunch, 15 minutes.

I switched from Justice to Akuma Chojins, as they were the main characters in the Perfect Chojin Arc Anime, plus I like their themes from the anime Black Hole’s theme was one of my favorites and he’s also one of my favorite characters as well. I think he’s one of the more interesting characters. 15 minutes to draw and I had the most trouble with his star.

Stereo-Cassette King was so easy to draw for me😂😂 He’s one of the quicker ones to draw about 10-15 minutes, probably one of my quickest drawings ever. I decided to switch to a metal version of Swan Lake instead of using the anime’s opening I been using for this drawings.

I’m so proud of this one! I adore Buffaloman! He’s one of my favorites! He was the last one I did in my fall semester, I snap a picture immediately after I finished my microbiology final (I passed with a 90). Again I cheated and use a sticker as an outline for his head so in no hell way I’m going to draw a good picture. I try to make him tan but I couldn’t find the right shade on Snapchat so I made him too orange but I’m really happy he turned out great! My sister said my drawings been improving over the months I’m sending her snaps. I actually think he was one of my better drawings overall, still doesn’t beat my Ainz Ooal Gown drawing which is my favorite drawing I ever made. Buffaloman took 35-37 minutes to do, the hair and horns were the hardest for me.

Although Buffaloman was my last drawing for the semester, I still wanted to keep drawing Kinnikuman so this one is my first outside of college as I only draw after I had classes. I initially wanted to do the Devil Knights but my sister doesn’t known them well enough to make memes back so I decided to continue with the Seven Akuma Chojins. lol I hate this picture a lot. It looks so bad but it’s the best I can do.😂😂 I didn’t even wanna draw The Mountain at all, but since I want to finished the Seven Akuma Chojins I decided to draw him.

I have more drawings of Kinnikuman, and I might make another post with them. And when I make more I probably post them here too to show my love for the anime.

Enjoy my shitty art!❤️

[reveriememory]

˖ ࣪⊹ Lovely Devil ⁎⁺ ˳

He’ll only be a little mischievous. (More rambling and about the art after the Read More!)

This was a combination of two inspirations. An old OC and an old drawing that both were lost in the realm of unfinished work. I had a lot of fun with this one because it allowed me to explore my past art habits, how I loved to draw pretty characters without a care. Since I was a kid, no one really questioned my cutesy characters, but as I got older, I began to get more self conscious about it since the people around me were perplexed by it. “That doesn’t look like a guy.” Comments like that. Then when a guy did wear cutesy things, it was only as a joke. Or when I designed such characters, it gathered the wrong audience that seemed disappointed I wasn’t a certain way. So while I don’t think those people meant harm, it slowly discouraged me from drawing as much. I liked drawing and creating pretty guys. “But I can’t do that when my drawing anatomy is too fem-looking. This design gives people the wrong idea.” is what I concluded, along with that layer of stress in judgement. I didn’t want to deal with the questions and hearing how feminine guys are only a joke or meant for sexual expression. Somehow, I’ve never come across a community that really encouraged me directly?

I really liked seeing this sort of look though, just someone dressing pretty no matter who or what they are. I like pretty. The end of last year I just decided to throw myself back into it. I’ve improved on drawing with what I could, maybe not great at producing a variety of body types, especially to differentiate fem and masc, but I got tired of waiting since it seemed I wasn’t really practicing as my heart wasn’t in it.

I picked up the two things I loved, a cheeky character, with a vibrant old art piece I abandoned. Revisiting them both allowed me to think about stuff while I drew this, helped revive what it is about art that really comforted me. My characters can be anything they want, and I can decide that for them. It should be the same for me.

Now that I’ve gotten a bit more comfortable with drawing in general, I gotta get comfortable with drawing concepts I’ve wanted. There’s not really much to say about the drawing progress, I just really zoned out through most of it and enjoyed my time streaming it.

Progress: Sketch - Line Flat

Alternatives

These I had fun with but ultimately decided not to go with them. It’s defeinitely a good step toward more interesting art pieces!

[midnight---hollow]

Top ten “goopie woopies” of all time featuring my waiting room sketch book

So i have my five fav pages and my five fav drawings. Im going to yap about the pages and mainly just have fun. A bit of a long post but oh well most of mine are lmao

August first of last year! I had to put one of the first pages in the book on the list, the waiting room took forcer that i finished two full pages and there was still more waiting. It might not be one of the prettiest pages but its how this all started. The day before i was trying to design twst vee and i was failing so bad. This page i got the design down and while i might have not kept the design i still really like this page. My fav drawings is def the big one on the left

August 22nd, this was my first time drawing dottore and I’ve always loved drawing rose. I remember the nurse seeing my drawing and asking about it and i got nervous but my mom started “advertising” and hyping me up to the nurse and i could just laugh and nod. I like this page alot, i think all the drawings hit pretty well and the background doodle lines are well placed. Fav drawing is prob the big dottore on the left or the small side view dottore on the right

Jan 17th this is just a cute page to me. The eres family are all so fun to draw and sven is literally just a silly guy. Nothing much to say. I dont have a fav in this one i like all the sven ones

March 15th! I drew these all while on the beach after my appointment. I did end up sticky noting the jade drawing cus it was horrendously bad but i think the stickynote doodles at flavor to the page. Had alot of fun that day with my family, fav drawing is prob the her vee at the middle bottom or the floyd on the top right

March 18th an hsr vee day. I had her playlist up and just went ham. I just think its fun and goofy. I like vee and sundays interactions and younger vee to confession of a rotten girl just hits right yknow. Fav is the vee full body up top

Now onto single drawings i really like and or am proud of (or just find funny)

I still think this is the cutest azul i have ever drawn. Idk what i ate this day but i need to eat it again cus i cooked so hard imo and i wont accept criticism on this

This is my dnd character c9 and shroomus(the god in mention and the mushroom on his head) c9 is the host for their god and after years of being the host they have realized just how stupid shroomus is and has grown to hate them. The interactions where so peak i miss this fun-guy. One of the funniest drawing ive done in this book imo

I both love the lillia one and the floyd one. The “this stinks” became a vocal stim for me after drawing them and the one above is just cute. Vee and lilll aswell as vee and floyd interactions are just some of my fav they are all just so goofy

This batch of esfir sketches did something to me. Idk why but the expressions that turn into a full body and also another half body on the side just get me. Esfir is a character i struggle with doing expressions for since she has to pretend so often but this is just like how i did it and need to manifest this energy again

This hsr vee and rose. They are casual sketches from before my surgery but they just feel so yummy. I need to do more with rose and her bird/angle imagery cus i have alot of sketches in this book with the biblical anger rose stuff and obvi thats not gonna happen in twst and her being in a modern au cus of it but still its gonna be fun finding ways to include and hint at it. But yeah i really like both of these

Those are my goopie woopies from this book. Im so sad that this sketch book is over, i love the paper and i think i improved so much thanks to this sketch book will be trying to get another one to continue with the waiting room drawings

[ozwuv]

I love your art! So, I was wondering if you have any drawing tips you could give?

Hiii thank you so much for the kind words, I am really glad you like it!!! :’3

As far as tips, this is kind of a broad question that I think it varies widely in terms of how you want your art to look. Personally, my main priorities are fluidity and character interaction, so that’s what I focus on even though it means I don’t really draw elaborate backgrounds and such. I’m sure I could become better at other things if I tried, but I’m not a professional nor am I trying to be, so I just focus on what’s fun to me.

Putting the rest of this under a cut bc it's gonna be long

As for actual advice, I have three big rules which I think have helped me continue to enjoy drawing as long as I have, which is the most important thing to me. I started drawing as soon as I could hold a pencil, and it's been my main outlet for good and bad times throughout my whole life (I am 26 now). Other people liking what I draw is a treat, but as long as I have fun, that’s ultimately what matters to me. That said, please keep in mind I am speaking solely for myself here since everyone draws for different reasons and in different ways.

The first thing is avoiding perfectionism at all costs when drawing, because it sucks the fun out of the process and ruins the visual fluidity in whatever I’m working on. An example of this is that I don’t like to go back and revise lines I’ve already placed, because the more I try to polish them, the stiffer they look. Even in digital art I try to roll with mistakes instead of erasing, or just completely undo the line I placed and try again. 

The other thing is something I actually picked up from dog training which is arguably my biggest passion in life. There’s a common saying amongst dog trainers: No “one more time” — which essentially means that when find yourself thinking “one more time,” you need switch gears immediately and do something else because you have hit your frustration threshold and every attempt from then on will be frustrating & counterproductive for both you and the dog. 

This applies to pretty much every aspect of life for me, but it made a huuuge difference when I started to consider it within the context of drawing. If I just stop whatever I’m frustrated with and go back to it later, 99% of the time I can pinpoint exactly what bothered me and how I could have fixed it. I’m typically not the type to work on something over various sittings, so even if I don’t finish the picture I was working on after coming back to it, being able to pinpoint what went wrong about it is a lesson I can apply to whatever I work on next.

The third rule ties into the last one, which is just not pushing myself. If I’m not having fun with a drawing anymore, I’m not going to force it. If it’s not coming out the way I want it to, I’m not gonna push it. Any time I've pushed through frustration to finish something, I wound up disliking how it came out. This isn’t really realistic for someone who is a professional (or aiming to be), but for me who just likes drawing anime characters for fun, it’s perfect. Because of this, I haven’t dealt with constant art blocks like I used to. I definitely still have them, but they're usually brief and not distressing to me. I feel like I’ve kind of stagnated the past several years, but at the end of the day I have a blast when I draw and that’s all that matters to me!

There's a common sentiment that everybody hates/is embarrassed of the things they drew in the past or even right after finishing and/or posting them. But it doesn't have to be like that, and imo it shouldn't. I think that just means there are some things about one's process and mindset that need to be reflected on.

Hopefully that helps somewhat, but YMMV if your priorities are more in the vein of constant improvement and/or being a professional :] I know this was kind of an abstract response, so if anyone has specific questions feel free to ask lol

[catacamacat]

OMG your art is so good!!

do you have any tips? painting apps sugestion? I'll take ANYTHING!!!

have a nice day (er... night)

Heyy

Thank you so much! Means a lot <3

(Literally a lot, like… you ask me? Me of all people?)

I’ll try my best, pls keep in mind that i’m not a professional or anything, I’m talking about my personal experiences. I hope I didn’t forget anything

(Edit: IM SO SORRY IT’S SO MUCH, I’ve been yapping for the past one and half an hour since 4AM ToT you don’t have to read everything ofc, I still hope that everything makes some sense 🥲)

I’ll put most of it under a cut :)

Painting apps:

I have always used procreate for my digital drawings, but there are many good cheap/ free alternatives.

Since our school uses IPads to work it installed “Sketchbook” on our devices, and even though you can’t use all of the pens without paying there should be more than enough for free (I’ve never used a digital pencil that has been so comfortable to draw with for example)

But my favorite is and will always be procreate

Time:

I’ve been drawing for a bit more than 6 years, and sometimes I’m still very insecure about most of my drawings, I mean that when I look at them I’m just not happy or I think it’s not good enough…

But I always keep in mind how freaking horrible, like for real horrendously bad my drawings were in 4th grade when I started, and then I’m pretty happy with how far I’ve come ^^

Just know that this feeling will probably always be there, no matter if you’re a beginner or a pro, idk it’s just from my perspective, everyone has their own experience.

Inspiration:

For me one of the most important/ helpful things is inspiration. I personally am often very energetic when it comes to drawing something that plopped up in my head, it just brings the fun, you know?

For me my biggest inspiration so far to draw is TMNT. And I mean it, I don’t just say that because I’m hyperfixated to them. Ever since I’ve discovered the turtles far more than a year ago, drawing has been the most fun thing in the world.

For me the turtles are incredibly fun to draw, there are so many possibilities since there are so many different versions of them, and four of them. I don’t think I could ever grow tired of drawing them, and I think nothing has ever improved my art as much as them since they are so much easier and fun to draw than humans (imo)

There was a time period that last until around three weeks ago where I didn’t really was in the tmnt fandom anymore, idk how that happened but I hope it will never happen again. Anyway, I was trying to draw in anime- style or something like that, and as far as I can remember it was really hard and for me not really fun/ felt forced. The turtles always look how they are supposed to look, but humans… nah —~—

What I want to say is that you should also find something that’s fun for you to draw and that fills you with inspiration and energy.

Quantity:

A tip from me: draw every day

(but include breaks when you need it)

Of course it’s not always possible, but since I heard that tip somewhere on YouTube (also a really good way to improve) a couple of years ago, I was never able to forget it. I mean I didn’t do it of course, but somehow it still helped… in a way…yk?

I mean there are always times where you don’t draw, maybe over weeks and even months during art block or other reasons, but the more often you draw, the better you become at it.

(Btw I personally believe it’s impossible to draw every day, for me at least. But i don’t know, that sentence never left my mind and I think there has to be some reason for it)

People:

It can be really helpful to have people you look up to, especially in the beginning, for example was I a really big fan of Skottie Young (still am) and that guy who drew some of the TMNT idw comics (forgot his name rn), and trying to draw somewhat like them for practice really helped me to get better. It also can be good to have people around you that are artists. Can be

And now something somewhat more complicated:

Be careful about the people you are surrounded with, because according to what kind of person you are, they can really, really make you feel shitty about how you draw, or maybe bring you to a point where you don’t feel joy when drawing at all

Here’s what I mean:

For example take me. I don’t know how many people feel this way, but I’m for some unexplainable reason completely “allergic” to criticism. I know it’s not a good thing, but I also know it’s not really my fault.

Every time I’m drawing something, I just want to have fun with it, and for me it’s the most important thing when I draw. And having people around me all the way that have studied drawing, criticizing my work and telling me what’s wrong, maybe even make fun of it it something I really, really can’t live with. Of course it can be a really good thing to take those criticisms, but for me it was/is just annoying, like REALLY annoying.

For a long time I couldn’t really draw anymore when someone of that people was sitting next to me, and there have been quite a few of them. It completely took the joy of drawing away from me, no one should let that happen to them. (Luckily it’s better now)

Idk if that what I intended to say was said… 🤷‍♀️

One last, the most important thing:

Always have fun with and enjoy drawing <3

Good day/night/or whatever 💜💜💜

[moltenraider]

Fortnite mains

Having a main on Fortnite is something special, loving and caring about a skin that has little to no story and yet playing as them everyday really is different than the normal fandom brainrot experience

And today I want to talk about the character that was my Fortnite main

This is Sig

He was introduced on Chapter 2 Season 2, the Spies! Season (known to be the Midas Season and one of the best season)

I have NO IDEA why I started liking him, looking back at his design, he is pretty boring(? Nor even handsome, I do think his model was used for more skins(? Maybe to ones with the face covered. But as you can see looks weird

I really don’t remember why I just connected with him, not even with the first time he came on the item shop, it was later because I remember I waited for months for him to come again, and man, the day I bought him, since that day I used him non stop until I quit playing fortnite on chapter 3 season 3

Naturally, I also drew him a ton

And a lot of things happened since then, I created lore for him, I named him (his name is Sig, in my head his whole nickname was “Signature” and his real name was Edén)

I remember I used him to roleplay, which was what really made me create a deep story and give him characteristics. For example, I explained his white hair and skin by him having albinism (which is not that creative lmao) I also explained that he is always wearing dark glasses because his eyes are very sensitive to light, he was mainly a hacker. And probably one of the most important things I HC for him is that he loves frogs

This was before Fortnite added animals, and when the animals came on the Primal season I WAS SO DAMN HAPPY LMAO

So then, that I made this drawing of him as a frog

And I continued using him, playing with friends, having fun, all while I was going through some hard stuffs on my life (pandemic included)

So Sig really became a HUGE comfort character for me, it’s probably the character that I’ve feel more comfort with, and when I think about him to this day, I still smile by just remember the good times I spend while wearing him on Fortnite.

Of course there was some shitty things happening (like people calling him one of the ugliest skins hfjfh. I mean, kinda) but honestly I don’t care anymore haha

At the time I was so pissed tho, but I understand now.

When I had my 20 birthday I even asked a frog to be drawn on the cake, and it was because of him. I don’t have a pic of that, but that happened fr.

And another important thing about Sig is that he was actually the character I used to learn how to draw nsfw and suggestive stuffs, which to me is REALLY important, cuz this might sound crazy but learning that helped me improve my art an insane amount (just think that at the time I didn’t practice much naked human figure. And when I started doing so, my anatomy learn when to a peak. Yes, drawing nsfw helps with learning anatomy)

So he was also important to me artistically speaking

And while writting this I just realize how important he really was to me in so many ways, and for a character that only has a name and one stupid sentence for description, that is…

Crazy

At last, when I was stepping away from fortnite for personal reasons (and also because my switch was dying) I really wanted to keep Sig in some way

So I made this character, which is clearly based on everything I did with him so far

His name is Caesar, he is a frog

And he was going to be just that, but after all this and him carrying everything that Sig means to me. He is not just a frog character

He is my sona, my second sona to be exact, being the first one The Vicepresident

And that’s the story of how a fortnite skin became so important to me that I made them an actual original character

Right now, playing fortnite again… it might sound weird, but I don’t use Sig anymore, it doesn’t mean I don’t love him anymore, I still do. But his period as my main skin ended years ago, and I don’t want to ruin those beautiful experiences I had with him back then

That’s why he was my main, and now, I’ll wait for other skin to come and be my new Sig.

[book-fight-club-au]

Memory 4: Mark’s betrayal

Warnings: Violence, Major Character Death

“You really mucked this one up Mark. None of them could even cast ceremony-“ he frowns “or you changed your strategy. You’re just aiming to kill both me and Scam Likely now.” He steps over the body of a barbarian that was still disintegrating. “Lazy information gathering either way. That party was weak. I’m disappointed. How much of a pushover do you think I am?”

Mark has two of her arms crossed, with a disappointed expression on his features. She shrugs in protest.

"Hey, they got further than the last group. You almost always oneshot them anyway. I figured since there were more of them, they'd have a better shot. Though after that, I'm kind of out of ideas…"

“What is even the point then? To annoy me?” He flicks a significant amount of blood from his katana, frowning.

"Can't I just say I want to see my big brother?" Mark sighs, and then smiles. "Honestly, this is the most we've seen each other in years. Before you drew that card, you were all over the place. I have to admit… this is kind of nice."

He hesitates but lowers his katana. “It is… kind of nice. I’m glad you’re finally seeing that Mark. I’ve been trying to tell you, I’m an improvement.” He steps closer.

“It’s different. And I was startled at first, but you’re right. I think this is better.” Mark looks at Well and uncrosses his arms. “I’m sorry for the way I’ve been acting. I’ll try my best to make it up to you.” He steps forward and opens his arms a little bit. “Awkward sibling hug?”

He looks Mark over and relaxes further. “I’m glad. I think a fresh start… would be nice.” He moves close, wrapping one set of his arms around Mark’s waist, happy to finally be understood.

Mark wraps her arms around Well Actually, glancing at the ring on the pointer finger of one hand that hovered in the air behind Well’s back.

“I agree. All we need is a fresh start,” Mark says, pressing the hand into Well’s back and closing his eyes. “And that’s what we’ll get. Ceremony!”

Utter betrayal wracks his body the second the light of the spell hits his back. For a moment it looks like it might take but then Well’s fists tighten in the back of Mark’s shirt, Lifting his Katana to Mark’s throat “Don’t.”

“I promised that I would save you,” Mark whispers dryly. He’s not stupid. He knows his chance of success is nearly zero. This doesn’t end with him walking out of here. “I promised, no matter what.”

“I trusted you and you tried to KILL ME!” The betrayal starts to morph into pure rage. “I thought you understood me!” He presses the blade harder against Mark’s throat.

“I do understand you. I understand you better than you understand yourself right now, and- it’s okay, big brother. It’s alright. I’m going to save you. Ceremo-”

The blade of the Katana cuts through. Ending both Mark and his casting at the same time. Well stills completely, shocked by his own movement. He stares up at where his sibling’s face would have- should have been in near horror.

“It didn’t- …. It didn’t have to end this way.”

[bvannn]

Weekly Update July 28, 2023

Still a zombie from work, but trying to work on it. Trying to get better about exercise and whatnot, sleeping too. That being said I’m still doing art stuff

TRGA: this week I finished reimporting the assets for my next effects test, and have a bulk of the test animation done. I realize that one of the problems I’ve had with animation thus far is timing, though I am already improving, and will get a better sense for it when animating to audio for the final project. Even if this new effects test works, I will likely have to create and import assets for Tim and Emile’s hair, as hair is unique to each rig and requires a good number of sketchy lines. That should hopefully not be too bad, though. I might also have to throw some assets together for feet in the future, but for the current project the only one who shows their feet is Jon, so I’ll just do his, see if they work, and then try the same strategy for the others. Again, it should not be too bad, as I’ll only need top and bottom pieces for each foot, possibly only for one foot if I can get away with flipping them.

Artfight will be coming to a close soon, I have queued up the last of the e pieces I have done, and will be doing the same for the pieces I do tomorrow (and Sunday, if I do any on Sunday). I’ll also try to do an appreciation post for all the people who drew my characters, since it was surprisingly a lot! Thank you all so much!

Writing stuff is chugging along slowly, once an outline is done I’ll chop it up into pages and start thumbnailing it, rather than trying to script out specific panels or whatever. I don’t know where I’ll throw the finished comic but I’m not going to worry about it until closer to being finished.

Next month I will try to focus on music a bit more. I’ll throw together some covers of video game tracks, then if all goes well I’ll chip away at a medley I’ve been working on. I still don’t understand how uploading audio to tumblr works, since I see people do it with funny one off shitposts all the time but last time I tried to do it for myself it wanted me to make a bandcamp or Spotify or whatever account which I’d rather not do unless I’m able to produce passable quality music semi-consistently. Until then, anything I do make will go on my Newgrounds! Once I’m able to do animations or music consistently I do want to make a big push for newgrounds content, because I do think it is a really cool site, but I need to make something worth pushing first. So I’ll keep chipping away at it.

[olderjodijournals]

Wednesday, March 1, 2000

Tom got a raise which is to be effective beginning tomorrow and will be switching to a day job that was created especially for him (without overtime) within a month or so. He gets more money for working nights, but with the raise factored in, he’ll be making the same amount of money on days that he’s making now on nights. The question is - how much will this new job improve our lives? Will we really have more time to do things and will we do more things? I can forget about it improving our sex lives in any way. That’ll never change, thanks to his fears and stubbornness. It’ll always be the same old, same old, and I wonder if I’ll ever have the desire to cum by him again.

Last night I set up the blue card table in the retreat that Doe and Art shipped out to me when I first came out here (I drew last night, and still want to get another table for that room). That’s where the air bed is too, so he can sleep in there on that when his mother visits. If she visits. I mean, what do we have to offer her? We have no kids to entertain her with. Just rats, mice and dolls, and somehow I think she’d find that quite boring.

My allergies have been picking up lately. For a while, my lungs were even better than they were when I was on the prescription inhalers, but last night they were tight. For the last few days, I’ve woken up sneezing, so I pushed myself to dust and vacuum really well today, concentrating on the bedroom and getting under the bed really well.

Evelyn gave us a housewarming present - a stained glass rose that I hung in the living room window. It’s pretty. She said she figured she ought to just give that to him since we’re obviously not having a housewarming party. No, those are for the freeloaders and selfish people just like them.

We also got a strange thing that was thicker than a sheet, but not thick enough to be a blanket. Tom said he’ll ask Mary some time what that’s all about.

Last night I got pissed at Tom for being so moody that I said he was working on putting me out of the mood for sex and that he could just go play with himself for all I cared. A little while later, though, he came where I was reading in bed and we were laughing and talking and I assumed all was fine at that point and that he knew that, but when I brought up the subject of sex later, he was like - I thought you said no. Then he went on to tell me how he gets disappointed when we don’t do it. Could’ve fooled me, I told him. Then he said that just because he didn’t always show his feelings didn’t mean he doesn’t have them. Fine. Whatever. I just want the sex problems left in Phoenix to stay!

Later…

I woke up needing to pee at 9:30 after going to bed around 5:00. Right as I was drifting back to sleep, they boomed by in the sky. I knew this week they’d be booming as usual. In fact, they woke me up eight times between 9:30 and 11:30. Thanks, God. Nice to know I can always count on you to let me sleep well regularly no matter where I go. Anyway, I didn’t get up till 1:00 and I plan on inching my schedule back so I can be getting up around 9:00 regularly so I can sleep without so many interruptions. I heard them boom by at 3:30 and 4:00, too. It’s fine when I’m awake, though. It’s even neat to hear and feel. I just don’t understand why we never heard them in the trailer. Is this a new route God set up for me upon our moving into the house? Well, I did say it’d get noisier once we got in the house. I just didn’t know it would be due to Dan’s engines and the military. I thought it’d be due to the renters, but they’ll be a problem in time.

At 5:00 Dan was back to his engine-gunning, but fortunately, it was brief.

The address label people sent us seven different boring samples, but I’ll use them anyway, even though they put Tom Jodi Lin S on them and Not Tom & Jodi Lin S.

Later...

Jesus Christ! It’s actually been noisy today. The noisiest day since we’ve been here, anyway. First we had ten booms, and I don’t think they’ve ever boomed by that much in one day before. Then we had Dan’s engine-gunning, and then some music. It was that same music we’d heard three or four times in the past since being in the house. It’s either coming from the renters or from Dan, and it sounds like it’s definitely a car stereo and not a house stereo. Car stereos like that are a renter’s thing, and it’s also something Dan would have because we know he wants attention, so I can’t say for sure whose place it’s coming from. However, why have we heard it only four times in the last two months and not every day? This tells me it might be someone visiting either Dan or the renters. The music only lasted a few minutes, too.

Later...

I just looked out the window and saw Dan’s headlights as he drove in alongside his place, but heard no music. Hopefully, he’ll get out of the damn truck and go inside for the night, but we’ll see. Sometimes he sits there gunning his engine when he drives in from wherever, but I don’t hear him at the moment.

Strangely enough, I still never see lights on at night in the rentals.

Thursday, March 2, 2000

Today was like it is 99% of the time around here - dead quiet. Just one little boom after I woke up, no music, and no Danantics.

I’m not looking forward to later on tonight. I almost dread it. Yes, it’s another round of fun in bed with my terrified and stubborn husband. I hate getting into bed with him knowing that only one of two things could possibly happen. Either we’ll have a cumless screw, or he won’t bother going in me at all.

Since we’re obviously not meant to have an exercise machine (and if we are, we’re talking way in the future) I started walking a half-hour a day on the walker. Like I said before - no, it doesn’t cause me to lose weight, it just makes me feel like I’m active. I’ve got to do something. Housecleaning isn’t enough, and the rest of the stuff I do isn’t even physical.

I finally heard from Paula. She called, and believe it or not, she just got the letter with our number. What took it so long to get to her? Anyway, there’s not much change on her end. Still dating married people regularly. This time, though, it’s a black cop, rather than some Puerto Rican. The cop’s been married for 17 years and has a few kids. I suggested that if she wants to play around, which is fine if she doesn’t want to commit, then why not try a single guy so she doesn’t have that third party to worry about? All she did was bitch about how the woman follows this guy left and right. Well, she certainly has a reason to be paranoid. While I was on the phone he called to tell her they had to lay low for a while. I swear, just like Andy, she’s not destined to have a loving relationship.

She was her usual selfish self, talking mainly about herself non-stop, but she did ask a few questions about me and I still did enjoy talking to her. She asked about the weather and if I’d been in contact with my sister or anyone on my side of the family. Oh, she asked about my weight too, after telling me she was up to 160 pounds. Getting heavy, I guess. She said it was cuz of a shot they gave her to keep her from getting pregnant. I asked her why she’d need that if she had her tubes tied, and all she said was that she had problems with that. Well, if she can get pregnant, she will. Not just because she’s a slut, but because God loves to sic kids on people like her. The trouble I predicted with Justin’s already starting. He’s beating up his classmates, thanks to the wonderful role model he’s got at home, and yes, she was threatening him as usual.

She said they cut off his SSI checks, saying he’s no longer handicapped. I guess he’s somewhat slow, but not so slow anymore. Anyway, she was bitching to me that all she’s going to get is $600 a month instead of $1,175, and was like - how am I gonna live! They have to give me welfare! So I suggested she get a job to supplement things since we know she can keep a schedule. She said I got her really thinking about it, but Paula can’t work. She really truly is disabled. Her temper will get her fired in no time if not her stupidity. She’s totally unreliable.

So, as you can probably gather, I have mixed emotions when Paula calls. I care about her and I do enjoy our chats, but she annoys me, too. She reminds me of how vengeful and unfair God is.

She says, for the hundredth time, she’s sending pictures of herself. Yeah, right! She’ll never send me a picture of her. Oh, she may be sending pictures, all right. Yeah, of her son and her car. Hell, she’d even send me a picture of her toilet before she ever sent me a picture of herself.

Later...

What is this? Is this guy on his way to becoming impotent, as well as cumless? He just cannot stay hard! I don’t know if he’s playing games, or what? He said he’s sorry he’s doing badly in bed. I asked him why, expecting him to say it was cuz of me, but he said that if he had to take his best guess, it was because we were financially strapped. But our bills are current, which is what’s most important, so who cares if we can’t get extra stuff right now? As long as the necessities are paid for, who cares? So we wait six months to a year for extras. Then he tells me he feels like a failure when he hears me mention things I want (like ink cartridges) that we can’t get for a while, although he understands I never intentionally set out to make him feel that way. Yes, we screwed up, and yes, others screwed us over, too. But we can’t live in the past and blame ourselves for the things we should’ve done differently or else we’ll all be miserable and have a hard time moving on. He shouldn’t feel like a failure and neither should I. We didn’t deliberately fuck ourselves up here, and like I said, as long as the necessities are paid for. That’s what counts. I understand his feelings, though. There are a lot of things I wish I’d said or not said to certain people in past experiences, and things I wish I’d done or not done. I’d take back not kicking the crap out of Barbara at the NHA any day. I’d take back my talking to Larry in the 90s any day, too.

The thing about it is that he may be having a hard time in bed cuz of money stress, but once we do have extra money, it’ll be something else. He’ll have some whole new problem in bed.

Saturday, March 4, 2000

Today’s been quiet, save for the faint strains of music I thought I heard. If that’s what I heard, it stopped by the time Tom got to the door to listen to see if he could hear anything, too.

Last night I went to bed at 5:30 in the morning and guess who woke me up at 9:30 in the morning on a fucking Saturday? The fucking fighter jets! On a Saturday?! Now they’ve taken my Saturdays, too? I had planned to sleep in on weekends, but obviously I can’t. What am I going to do when they start flying at night and anytime I sleep is hit or miss as to whether or not they'll wake me up? I tried staying up, so I could be on a schedule where I got up around 9:00 to beat the flights, but I just couldn’t. I fell back asleep with no sound machine and with the door open and only woke up a couple of times during my sleep when Tom was in the kitchen. I’d only wake up for a minute, though.

I totally, totally hate God. I hate him! I tried for years to find the good in him and to keep in mind the good things he’s blessed me with, but I’m sorry. This, along with the hell he let us go through to get into this house was the final straw. The things he’s blessed me with are nothing compared to the things he’s cursed me with, anyway. For every blessing he’s granted me, he’s damned me a hundred times over. There is no place in my heart for such an unfair, hateful, cruel, vengeful God as him. He will never be forgiven by me. Never.

To think that my sleep is more threatened out here in this remote area than it was in the city when I had the freeloaders to deal with totally blows my mind. And what’s scary is that I’ve been right so far on just about everything I’ve predicted upon moving into the house. I was only wrong on my time frame as to when the renters would be a problem. Their time hasn’t come yet. But I was right about predicting more noise upon moving into the house. Since being in the house, we’ve got more bouts of music, the engine-gunning, and now these jets. It really bothers me to have yet another choice of mine stolen. Especially by strangers. I don’t even know these people, yet they’ve butted into my sleep like they own it. I’ll never be able to sleep past 9:00 without the 50/50 chance of being woken up.

Neither of us has had any apparent interest in sex, but I’m OK with that. I need to get cracking on my story. I’ve been neglecting it a lot lately.

Been walking 30 minutes a day starting the 1st and watching what I eat. I don’t know why I bother when I know damn good and well I’ll never lose weight or inches, and if I do, it won’t be enough to be all that psyched about. I guess old habits die hard and I keep rebelling against where my body naturally wants to be: at about 124 pounds. Be lucky I didn’t have that kid when I wanted one, I tell myself. I’d not only have lost my life, but I’d be in the 140s or higher.

Sunday, March 5, 2000

I just asked Tom what has become my famous weekend question - how many cars do you think are next door now to our old house? Yeah, how many? Six? Eight? Ten? I love it here! No dogs, no door slams, no banging in and out, no ball games, no nothing. No faint strains of music or Danantics, either so far. But tomorrow, although I’m not going to get up till noon, I’m sure I’ll be woken up by those damn jets a dozen times.

I forgot to mention that Friday night, we had a little campfire at 2 a.m. We burned trash while I toasted marshmallows. It was a moonless night and the stars were beautiful. We heard some distant dogs barking, and nosy, lonely Dan spied on us. Leave it to a lonely boy like that to be up that late. We saw his back light go on and off during the time we were out.

Tom looked online for ways to reink my cartridges, rather than buy new ones, cuz it’s a lot cheaper.

I was online downloading some wave files (sound files). I couldn’t believe the variety they had. They had everything from animal sounds, to weather sounds. They even had the president when he tried to bullshit us by saying he wasn’t having affairs, and lines from movies. I downloaded a couple of song clips, birds chirping, a toilet flushing, horses galloping and whinnying, and a coyote howling. I also got a clip of someone saying, “Hi, Jodi. How are you?” and “Bye, Jodi. See you later,” and “Hi, Tom. How are you?”

I finally got to see it rain in the daylight today. It just looked like water droplets were sitting on the skylight and didn’t rain nearly hard enough to run down the wash. For the most part, all we’ve had is wind, massive clouds, and scattered drizzling.

Woke up at 122 pounds today. Was it because I watched what I ate? Because I walked? Or both? Anyway, I’m sure I won’t shit today because of it, and that’ll set me back to 124.

I told Tom we should wait on the sex till he’s less stressed out over money, although, he’ll have a new problem once we’re not as strapped. Naturally, he went along with this without appearing to be one bit bothered by it. It’s just that I’m tired of the same old shit in bed. I can’t get into it anymore, knowing that he’s not into it. I’m sick of getting in that bed with him and knowing that one of only two things is gonna happen.

Monday, March 6, 2000

I didn’t shit yesterday and was so sure that even though I walked and watched what I ate, I’d be back to 124 pounds, but nope. I’m down to 121½!

Although I’ll still walk, today I’m taking a break and plan on treating myself to Dairy Queen like we have been on Mondays when we go to Circle K. I’m starting to doubt we’ll go tonight as we originally planned, but we’ll see. That’ll have to be up to Tom. For once they were right about saying we were in for some serious rain. Well, it’s been raining on and off since last night. I can barely see out my window and the heat’s been on during the day. Usually, it’s off by sunrise and is around 80º in here by the afternoon. Anyway, I guess we can still get out of here OK. He got home, after all. It’s not like it’s rained hard enough to wash the roads out. I can even see Gravity’s tractor tracks still. Hopefully, we’ll go out and I’ll see Jennifer. Then we can have predictable, boring sex when we get home, be it with or without him inside me.

Later...

I woke him up at 6:00 and we left shortly afterward. We had to drive really slowly through the dirt roads. The parts that get more traffic were really bumpy and shaky. Once it got dark, the wet dirt roads gave off the optical illusion of being paved roads with slush on them. It’s been raining steadily since last night and I guess it may continue to do so till tomorrow.

I didn’t get to see Jennifer tonight. She wasn’t anywhere around. They finally fixed the cappuccino machine, so I got my white caramel coffee and some Tic Tacs.

Dairy Queen’s grill was broken so we couldn’t get burgers. That was OK, though, since I am on a diet. I got some fries and that was enough to fill me up.

Right now, it’s off to work some more on my story, then walk, then get some boring sex, then who knows?

Later...

Sounds like the rain’s finally stopped out there. That’s why they let me sleep today. Tomorrow - who knows? I got up at noon today and am determined to get up at 11:00 tomorrow, 10:00 on Wednesday, and 9:00, the time I want to get up regularly on Thursday.

He’s getting ready to leave for work.

Tuesday, March 7, 2000

He’s gone. Meanwhile, I am gonna get him good sexually! If only he knew just how sexually doomed he is to be in a month from now. I’ve had it with the sex games! Now it’s his turn to get a taste of his own medicine, and believe me, I’m gonna make every lame excuse in the book and do nothing but bitch and complain about how his doing this or that turns me off in bed, and this distracts me, and this stresses me, etc. Let him feel like the little freak he’s made me feel. Let him feel unappreciated in bed. He isn’t the only one who’s quit cumming, that’s for sure.

Tonight he had to have ice cream, something he knows his stomach can’t tolerate well, so he could have an upset stomach and an excuse to avoid sex and laze out in front of the TV. The fucking TV turns him on more than I do, and I don’t care how beautiful he always tells me I am. Of course, I’m sure part of it is because I made the excuse to bail out of the same old bullshit sex last night. It’s like he has to give me a taste of my own medicine when I make excuses to get out of sex and do the same thing right back.

Anyway, his 30 days are up and we’re having less sex and there are certainly no squirts. Yeah, I knew it, the lying SOB. Why does this guy have to lie so much when it comes to sex? He doesn’t lie about other subjects. Why can’t he just come out and face his fears? See, this isn’t just about his not being able to own up to his fears, it’s a game to him. It turns him on to turn me off, and boy let me tell you, I am turned off. I’ve never before felt this turned off. I’ve lost any ounce of sexual interest I could possibly have left for this man. I just have no desire for him in bed. It doesn’t detract from how much I love him, but by God, I’ve had it with him sexually. If we never had sex again, I wouldn’t miss it. He’s so scared and he’s so stubborn when it comes to sexual changes and he’s so obsessed with his games, that he can’t even show a little appreciation for me in bed even just once in a while. It’s a miracle I don’t want a woman. A woman not just inside my head that I fantasize about. I’m just so sick of the idea of sex with anyone. It’s not new and exciting anymore and hasn’t been for years.

Anyway, the liar told me that in 30 days we’d be screwing 2-3 times a week and he’d cum once a week. Well, in my letter to him, which I’ll give him on April 7th, I’m gonna let him know just how I feel for the last time. And I mean the last time. I’m tired of his sex lies and games in bed, I refuse to fight with him over sex in this house from here on out. Also, he is not going to control my reproductive system. Only God can do that. He will not con or manipulate me out of having a kid if I choose to do that someday. I won’t hesitate to use a sperm donor if that’s what I have to do, cuz this guy will never change, but fine. Now he can have his way; he can stay cumless and never hear me bring it up again. He’ll never have to deal with it. He can just stay the way he so obviously wants to be. Even so, I think I’ll always have some bitterness and resentment toward him for what he’s done to me. I mean, I may not want a kid right now, thank God, but how dare he fucking tell me in the past that he wanted a kid, yet refuse to do anything to help himself or to let himself be helped so he could make the necessary changes in order for me to conceive naturally if I truly could like he’s so sure I can. He had a lot of nerve saying he wanted a kid, then I try to help him and suggest he do things to help himself and see a doctor, then he turns around and bitches at me for trying to change him. That’s really fucking cold and insensitive. Meanwhile, I’m the one going through the painful testing. He won’t talk to no one, he won’t try stimulants, and this tells me something quite obvious - that he doesn’t want to change. He wants to be the way he is. Anyone who didn’t would try to get help. Not make up bullshit lame excuses and say that not talking about it, which is really a form of not dealing with it, will be their magic cure.

Later...

Today hasn’t exactly been a thrilling day. I couldn’t get to sleep till nearly 6:00 in the fucking morning, they fucking woke me up at 9:20, then when I got up with the alarm at 11:00 I was exhausted. I still am, too. Meanwhile, to top things off, fucking Dan just started with the engine-gunning. This cock cannot go one solid week without putting on a show, can he?

I started to get all psyched at the letter we did receive, believe it or not, from the Bowflex people saying we have been approved for the complete machine, but as I figured, there’s always a catch to good news. They wanted three references. One related and two personal. The relative one was fine, cuz Mary’s reliable, but as for personals, all we could think of was Paula and Kim. If they call these people, though, we can kiss the Bowflex goodbye, cuz I don’t even have Kim’s current number (I made one up), and you never know what a stupid, brainless idiot like Paula will say.

Again, can’t we just have something without the song and dance? Isn’t paying $53 a month for three years enough of a payment? Can’t we simply just have something?

Later...

Due to the fact that I haven’t heard any booms since being up, I wonder if I may have dreamt that they woke me up this morning. After all, I was kind of having a nightmare. I don’t remember what the nightmare was, but who knows? Maybe I dreamt it, maybe I didn’t. Tom was even insisting that he felt a slight shudder last Saturday morning at 8:30, but that I must’ve dreamt them waking me up an hour later, cuz he didn’t hear or feel a thing. I don’t know. I’m still going to try to get up around 9:00 regularly anyway, both because I want to and to be on the safe side. That way I don’t have to worry about being woken up. Sundays I’ll sleep in till they take my Sundays, too, and if they’ve flown on Saturdays I’m sure they’ll take that, too.

Another thing I’m not sure of is whether or not that was Dan’s engine and music I heard earlier, or was it the tractors that grade the roads? Those sound a lot like someone was revving an engine, only what I heard was softer, suggesting it was further away than Dan. God knows the roads did need grading after the rain. Also, the bass I thought I heard didn’t have a beat, and some big vehicles tend to sound bassy from a distance, so I don’t know for sure what I heard.

Yeah, the rain has finally quit. We had a lot of rain, too! It rained steadily for over 24 hours. No leaks!

Looking through the binoculars out the living room window, I discovered a bridge off in the distance. I don’t know what it is. I’ll have to ask Tom. I don’t know if it’s a bridge that cars drive over, or if it’s just a scenic walkway for people, which would seem a bit odd in such a low-populated area. I wonder where it goes and what’s under it.

I can see a flashing light from my office window at night way off in the distance. I’m pretty sure it’s where the crop duster’s airport is.

Scuttles is so cute in the way he sticks his head through the bars to have his head patted. He can get out as far as his shoulders. Ratsy decided to take an afternoon stroll. I was surprised he wanted to come out and run around at 3:30, being the nocturnal creature he is. He ran around the living room, the dining area, the bedroom, and the bathroom, then went home and back to bed. It still amazes me how these rats go home when they’re done exploring. Most animals wouldn’t do that and would run from you when you tried to get them to bring them home.

I called and left Paula a message letting her know that the Bowflex people may call her and that I used her as a reference.

I can’t wait to finally have that! At least I hope there are no more problems getting it from here on out. I may have lost a few pounds and toned down certain bulging areas lately, but man do I look awful! I’m flabby, sagging, and furrowed, not to mention a good 4-5 inches too big in most spots. I really hate my face and neck more and more. They’ve really gone to hell. I have ugly furrows running from the corners of my lips down, and a double chin from hell. Tom doesn’t think I have a double chin, but I say my neck’s definitely sagging and needs some picking up. He doesn’t even think I’m fat. He thinks my weight’s fine and all I need to do is tone up. I wish that were the case.

Later...

We were just out burning some trash. We could hear an owl hooting nearby. We also heard, but only for half a second, a thunderous rumble that sounded exactly like those jets. Are we getting into night flying now, too? God, I hope not!

Wednesday, March 8, 2000

I was lucky enough to have them wait till I’d gotten up before booming by today. At 11:00 and 4:00 I heard a whole series of rumbles. Some were mild tremors and others were loud and thunderous.

Later...

I don’t fucking believe it! Thanks, God. I just knew it, though. They just boomed by. At 9:00 at night? They’re gonna train people in the dark at night? See, it’s only a matter of time before it’s a round-the-clock thing. It won’t matter what my schedule is, eventually, cuz anytime I sleep will be hit or miss. I checked outside to make sure it wasn’t thunder I heard since that’s what it sounded like, but the sky was clear as can be. Nothing going on at Dan’s. Just a minute’s worth of engine-gunning a couple of hours ago. Why am I so cursed when it comes to noise and sleep?! I’ll never be free of it no matter where I go.

Thursday, March 9, 2000

Tom was a big hero at work last night, fixing stupid people’s mistakes. I guess they threw out stuff they weren’t supposed to throw out. I swear that’s our life’s destiny - fixing other people’s fuck-ups.

I’m not looking forward to all I know we’ll have to go through from here on out to get the Bowflex. Just because they said we could have it, and just because we intend to make payments on it, doesn’t mean we can just have it. It’s gonna be a big fucking deal to get and we’ll have to fight tooth and nail for it. There’ll be a problem with delivery, or it’ll get here damaged, or parts will be missing, etc.

I washed some of my older doll’s clothes.

I also made five screensavers for Mary, Dave and Mom. They said they were curious to see how I do those, so I did up a saver of us, scenery, flowers, dogs and cats, and various animals. No mice or rats, though, since they don’t like them.

I think I forgot to mention the scorpion Tom met last weekend. He was moving the shed onto the frame he made for it of concrete he poured, and he came across it then. He took some cool pictures of it, too, before he killed it.

I don’t know why, but I didn’t get up at 9:00 when my alarm was set to go off. Instead, I got up at 11:00. I don’t know if I subconsciously turned the alarm off or what happened, but amazingly, they let me sleep till then. I haven’t heard any booms at all today. Tom mentioned a change in the jet stream. Maybe that caused them to alter their course.

I checked into Luke Air Force Base last night online, which is where these jets are coming from. They claim they mostly fly in the daytime but do have some night flights, which are usually back by 10:00. They didn’t mention how many days of the week they fly. There was a number to call about noise complaints. What for? They’ll just tell anyone that bitches the same thing they’ve told others that have bitched - hey, we have to train these people, so tough.

Friday, March 10, 2000

I discovered Mocha, one of my mice, dead today. Tom thinks she had tumors, but I don’t know. The way she was shaped made me think she was just fat and may have even had a litter before we bought her. We buried her but didn’t bother with a marker.

Tom’s suddenly so sorry for “doing more bad things to me than I have to him,” as were his words. I don’t know how sincere he is, but anyway, perhaps that’s why he suddenly wants the male mouse we’ve been talking about getting. I know he enjoys checking out the animals, and he says he loves all his pets, even if he thinks rats are mean-looking, but we know that the animals are mainly for me. I just don’t get how he can say, year after year, that he’s so sorry for “being a failure in bed” yet not do anything about it. All he does is say he’s sorry. Meanwhile, he just keeps on doing the same old shit.

I guess it’s going to be easier said than done as far as giving Tom a taste of his own medicine. I just can’t do the things he does without feeling guilty. I just can’t jerk him around about sex or about anything like he has to me. Besides, jerking him around sexually, or being predictable, won’t faze him. I guess I’m just forever at his mercy in bed. I either put up with the never-ending predictability and lame excuses in bed, or I don’t have sex at all. At least we’re back to sex in part-time spurts like I knew we’d be, so I don’t have to deal with his shit too often.

We discussed the possibility of moving to a retirement community like Sun City or Sun Lakes in about 15 years.

Sunday, March 12, 2000

Tom left for work an hour ago.

I spent most of the weekend backing up my picture files. I converted my BMP pictures to JPGs before saving them on floppies and was able to get between 15-27 pictures per disk. It took about 20 disks. Even though Tom does regular backups on CDs, I felt it wouldn’t hurt to have another backup set that I did on floppies. I was mainly after the harder-to-replace pictures, like the ones taken with the digital camera. If I lost copies of the photos I scanned, I could just rescan them. I also backed up most of the wallpaper pictures I got online.

I showed Tom that bridge I saw out front and he told me it’s a cotton gin. Makes sense. There’s nothing but farms out towards the front of us, and the more I looked at it, the more it did look like a gin.

At 2:00 this afternoon, Scuttles decided it was midnight. He must have because he was really having a ball. He not only wanted to be affectionate and get attention from me, but he also wanted to run around the house, too. He loves to nestle in my hair and make it a real “rat’s nest.” I started straightening it naturally, the way I did in the 80s before there were straightening irons, so it was easier to brush the knots out. I straighten it by putting elastics down the length of it, every inch or so apart. Because it’s so damn thick, it takes forever to dry.

Paula called yesterday. We talked about the house, the weather, and that guy she’s seeing. She asked more questions about us and the house this time around. She says that for $70 a month, she’s renting a computer she doesn’t know how to hook up to the Internet or its printer. That’s Paula for you. Oh, and now she claims she mailed those pictures out Friday, so her story’s changed again.

Tom’s still playing games. Yesterday he conveniently had body aches and thought he was getting the flu. He said he wondered if the nasty fumes from the shit he used to clean paint spatter off the speakers in the den did it, but I think it was an excuse to get out of sex.

Today he couldn’t stay hard, and while I was doing him by hand, he suddenly heard fictitious car doors close by and had to get up and check it out. Meanwhile, I heard nothing like that, and again I pointed out to him that he should come clean with me and quit making lame excuses to get out of sex. I can’t stop him from playing games, but I can help him with his fears. If he’s so sure I can conceive and doesn’t want that to happen, he should just tell me so we could discuss some sort of birth control method. But no, he says, that isn’t it. Maybe he’s a nut who’s become like me, he says. Sensitive to sounds. Then he gets back into bed saying, I’m still here, aren’t I? And then he tells me that he’s trying. But I don’t want him to “try.” No one should have to “try” to get into sex. If it doesn’t come naturally to him, then maybe he shouldn’t be having sex, especially with me. Then I asked him if he was sick of me and felt he needed a fling or something, but he swears he isn’t sick of me and doesn’t want a fling. He once told me he and his ex had a threesome once with a woman and that screwed things up, I guess. Anyway, he says he’s never had the problem of not being able to stay hard before. Part of it’s God, who just has to interfere with my sex life no matter what. As I reminded Tom, I’ve been sexually cursed since day one and if I got a new man or woman every year, each one would have some kind of problem or weird quirk. He says he thinks his problem is over money, then went on to explain, although it makes no sense to me, that it stresses him out more to be barely making it, rather than behind. Well, I still think all this is about his enjoying playing sex games with me and his fear of me conceiving. He still swears he isn’t afraid of that, but I don’t know. I suggested, just in case he is being sincere and he does truly have these problems that are out of his control, to just wait till we’re back on track financially. Then, if he’s still having trouble getting hard, he can decide if he wants to go to a doctor (although I think he should’ve gone to one six years ago). I highly suggested he tell the whole story if he does go to a doctor. Not just the trouble with staying hard, but the lack of cumming, too. Let an expert give their opinion. He agreed he’d think about a doctor and tell them everything if he went to one, but I know Tom S. The man would never in a million years breathe a word about his hardness trouble or lack of cumming to a doctor or anyone, and you want to know why? Because I still think it’s his own will that’s doing it, both consciously and subconsciously. He’s had “problems” in bed ever since we met, so why would he wait this long to do something about it if he didn’t want things the way they were?

I wondered for a moment if this weren’t meant to be to get him to go to a doctor, for once and for all. Yes, if he’s sincere, maybe having two problems will give him the gusto to go to a doctor.

Nah. He’ll never go to a doctor about it. Not if his life depended on it.

I can’t help but feel conflicting emotions about it. On the one hand, I’m pissed that because of him I can never see if I can get pregnant naturally if I decide I want that in a few years, and on the other hand, I don’t want that, and God would never allow it to happen, naturally or not. I’m still glad we never had a kid in the past. I’m sorry I went through all the emotional shit over it that I went through. It was miserably horrible. I’m sorry for every rotten thing he and I have ever been through, but I’m not sorry things turned out to be the way they did so I could live life and do the things we’ve done in life. With a kid, I’m almost positive we’d never have been able to get out of Phoenix. At least not till it was older. I also wouldn’t have been able to do, learn, grow, mature, and experience the things I have in life.

We talked about the possibility of moving to a retirement community like Sun City or Sun Lakes when he gets to be at least 55, and I may like that for various reasons. For one, as much as I love this big house in this remote area, it’s a little too far out for old people who need to go to the doctor more often. If we were in one of these places, we could get to doctors more easily and not have to wait an hour for an ambulance, should we need one.

Also, they have rules about barking dogs, but there are not that many in these places. Just like most houses in the city do have dogs, most old people don’t have dogs. Those that do tend to have little dogs like poodles. Not two big vicious collies.

They probably don’t allow people to have pools, but that’s OK cuz they have country clubs you can walk to, and I wouldn’t be afraid of being attacked by a big dog walking the streets there.

I’d want a smaller house when I got older and had a harder time getting around and doing housecleaning, and in a place like that, you’d never have to worry about subsidized freeloaders moving in next door. Oh, I’m sure it’d be just my shit luck to move in next to the old lady whose grandkids came over practically every day and screamed outside, but at least I could do something about that, and since the mother would live there, I wouldn’t have to worry so much about her taking my noise complaint all wrong and making sure the kids got even noisier.

Anyway, I hope to be here for a long time. At least 10-15 years. I hope we’re happy here as long as we’re here, but like I said, that’s not very realistic. It’s bound to get noisy sooner or later.

Monday, March 13, 2000

As planned, we got that male mouse we wanted at the same place we got Scuttles at. We were shocked to see that they had a huge cage with so many breeds of rodents living together in it. They had hamsters, gerbils, mice, and a guinea pig that squeaked bloody murder. I don’t know how these gerbils and hamsters get along when Teddy Bear and Gizzy didn’t. Maybe it’s because these were raised together. There were no rats or ferrets there. I’m not surprised, since rats and ferrets are the most aggressive of the rodents, although hamsters aren’t always sweethearts themselves. They also had some fancy mice that were alone in their own cage. They didn’t have nearly the number of rats this time around, and they had both pet rats and fancy rats, according to their sign. Pet rats don’t get as big as fancy rats, though they’re all pets. I was glad that none of the rats really appealed to me, because giving my attention to the two I’ve got is enough. When one of them dies, I’ll get another rat or two.

Anyway, we got some crinkle paper in a box for them to nest in, which was cheaper than the mall where Tom used to get them. Also, the fancy mice were on sale, so we paid just $3 for Freddie. Freddie’s as tame and lovable as all fancy mice are, walking up and down my arm. I already took his picture. He’s a cross between brown and gold. He’s pretty much what I was hoping to find. I wanted something different than the gold mouse and the black and white mouse I’ve got, for more color variety for breeding. It’ll be interesting to see what colors and markings they create. He’s definitely a male, too. They didn’t fuck up on his sex. You can see the two little balls very easily.

Last night I wish I had videotaped the rats. Scuttles was out playing with me, jumping and climbing all over me, but you should’ve seen Ratsy! He was chasing me and play-nipping me like a cat! He’d chase the hem of my nightie as I rolled on the floor.

Our only other stop was for coffee and soda at Circle K. Although it was only first shift when we got there, I got the immediate feeling that Jennifer no longer works there. Just a vibe I got, but we’ll see if I ever see her again.

Once we got a couple of miles or so from our house, there sure was a cool sight waiting for us in the middle of the road. I saw, from just two feet away, a diamondback rattlesnake, which is now coming out of hibernation. It moved off towards the side of the road and watched us. It was coiled up defensively, ready to strike if need be, but I guess he knew deep down that we weren’t gonna get him, cuz he didn’t even shake his rattle. Not even when I threw an empty Tic Tac box out at him. It landed an inch in front of him, but he gave no reaction. Just continued to sit there and watch us. Snakes, tarantulas, lizards, coyotes, jackrabbits, and roadrunners are what you mostly see out here. Anyway, we almost ran over the snake, and I wanted to see one of these up close so Tom backed up, careful not to run it over, and we checked him out for a while. Tom said they can only strike half of their body length. This one was about 4 feet long. They’re really cool looking, but I wouldn’t want a pet snake. I wouldn’t fancy the idea of having to feed them live rodents, which is what they eat. Also, I like smart, entertaining pets like rats. The rats interact with people just like puppies and kittens do. Even someone who hated rats couldn’t deny they’re cute to watch and smart. Anyway, Tom says that he’ll take a shovel and whack any snake’s head off that he sees on the property. Although you should never get bit as long as you’re careful and watch where you’re going, we have a bite kit that Tom and I checked out and went over. It’s for snakes, scorpions, bees, black widows, and jellyfish. Believe me, though, you won’t run into a jellyfish out here! I’ll bet most people back east wouldn’t believe me if I told them the animal out here that’s most likely to attack. They’re the hardest to see and for every snake, there are millions of them. They’re ants, and out here, they spare you no mercy! Little red ants and big black ants - the most likely to get you. The most dangerous, though, is the rattlers and I think there are copperheads and other dangerous snakes out here too, although they’re big so they’re easy to spot. They’re also slow-moving and they won’t chase you down. They’ll try to get away from you. The most harmless - coyotes and tarantulas. Coyotes are too timid to get near you and tarantulas are virtually poisonless. You can just walk up to them, pick them up, pat their fur, and put them down, not that I’d care to. They’re very slow-moving, too. My personal outdoor favorites, though, are the jackrabbits, roadrunners, and coyotes.

Tuesday, March 14, 2000

Another quiet spell in the sky lately. I thought for sure that they’d wake me up around 9:30 yesterday and today, but I haven’t heard a thing. Yeah, but how long will it last? Just this week, I’m sure. By next week, they’ll be booming by regularly, waking me up. I still can’t seem to get up as early as I’d like to. I’ve been getting up around 10:30 but would prefer to get up at 9:00.

Later...

Tom’s home now. He stopped at his mom’s. Her blood sugar is too low. Nora, Ray and Jennifer were there and he says that Nora and Ray looked 100 years old. Ray has liver disease and Nora recently had a mild heart attack. Jennifer’s the opposite of what she used to be, from what Tom told me. Instead of being the boisterous loud-mouthed brat she used to be, she was rather subdued.

Anyway, after we chatted, he went out to burn some trash, and now he’s unwinding for bed.

When we were chatting, we were discussing how this house was built. I guess I misunderstood some of the details and got some of them wrong, so let me run through it again for the record. It takes 3-4 days to build this house. First they build a metal frame which they then build the house on. After the frame is made, they lay down the floor and run the plumbing underneath. Then they do the electrical, windows, walls, cabinets and doors. I’m not sure if the inside wall boards go in before or after the roof is put on, but anyway, after it’s painted, on goes the roof. It was cool to see them put a roof on a different house when we were there (they work on several houses at once). The roof is suspended on a crane that moves and places it on top of the house after its paint dries. Then they paint the exterior and roll the house through on conveyor belts to where they put its axles and wheels on. When we saw our house, it had plumbing, walls and floors, but no windows, doors, or cabinets, and some electrical. It wasn’t even painted.

Wednesday, March 15, 2000

They’re booming around up there again. At least they let me sleep till 10:30 when the alarm went off. I got up right before Tom came in with my coffee. I had him get me some since he was planning on stopping at Circle K, anyway. They didn’t have the white chocolate caramel I love so much, so he got the flavor they replaced it with - chocolate mint. Boring.

It is with utter shock and amazement that I can say I finally received Paula’s pictures! She really wasn’t putting me on. If I didn’t know any better, I wouldn’t know it was her, cuz half her face is covered with sunglasses. But knowing it’s her, and looking at the slight cleft in her chin and the shape of her lips, I can see it’s her. They were taken down in Florida. She’s smiling and waving in one picture, against a grassy and pine-treed background, wearing a black, sleeveless shirt or dress with what appears to be a pink bikini top underneath. The other one, the one I like best, she’s not smiling and is holding a small clump of pink flowers. She’s wearing the same thing in this one too, but has a better background cuz there are palm trees behind her. Her hair appeared to be pulled back and was obviously dyed a deep, coppery red.

Now if only I could get a picture of her from a decade ago with her long brown hair! And no sunglasses to hide half of her face!

Tom said that yesterday, he saw that snake in the same spot. He said he couldn’t tell if it was dead or not, but it probably got run over.

I don’t know if I mentioned this yet, but a foul smell would occur and disappear in the second bath for a week or two. We’re not sure what it was, but lately, we haven’t smelled it.

Freddie’s been having no trouble climbing up and down. I haven’t actually seen him screwing any of the ladies, but I hope he has and got a litter or two started.

Speaking of screwing, I’m to get Tom up at 8:00 so we can “try” to screw. Oh, God! I am not looking forward to this shit. I know he’s not going to go in me. In fact, I’ve even stopped using KY.

Later...

Dan’s on my case again, distracting and annoying the fuck out of me with the engine-gunning. What are we gonna do with you, Dan? Huh? Just what are we gonna do with you? God, get this fucker out of this state! Next door is a dream come true; I don’t know they exist. Same with the renters (so far) yet every day, be it for a sec or hours, I’m always reminded of Dan’s existence. It may be better than having a pack of loud and lazy freeloaders on my shoulder, but still, I don’t like it. I wish he’d just shut the fuck up. Having no mountain, hill, or wall between us and this cock is a factor in letting the sound hit the house so easily, just as it would be if we had a wall that was too close to the house, but he’s got some monster of an engine in at least one of his trucks. Totally the kind a desperado would have. Yeah, well I’m sick of hearing it. I’d like to see this little fuck give me one week, just one week, off from the fucking shit he’s been pulling, so obviously trying to get anyone’s attention.

Later...

What a big mistake, not using the KY, although I naturally lubed up in just a minute or two. He stayed hard and went in there, but it goes without saying that he wouldn’t let himself cum. I’m kind of surprised. I started to really wonder if our sex life was over. We’re not any richer, so I’m sure it’s because I’m getting closer to my period and less likely to conceive, not that I could anyway. I swear, though, he acts like an old man at times in bed. After just a minute or two on top, he plopped down on the bed as if he’d just run ten miles. He also seemed suddenly to be depressed, but he didn’t say anything.

Thursday, March 16, 2000

Well, they found us. Yeah, we just got our first sales call. When the phone rang I saw it said “out of area,” and because of that and the fact that they left no message, it had to be sales. Another six months to a year and we’ll be back to getting many calls a day. I doubt the call was from the Bowflex people, cuz if they were calling, it’d be because they had something important to either tell us or ask us, and therefore, they’d leave a message, I’d think. Tom said we could expect it in a week, but no way. Money’s never enough, in God’s eyes, when it comes to us getting things. I know there’s gotta be a big song and dance and a big fucking deal involved in getting it. Us getting anything like that always takes a fight, and of course, when it does get here, there’ll be some problem. Something will be damaged or missing.

No booms in the sky today, but I’m sure I’ll be hearing from Dan any moment now. His prime time is in the early evening when he knows most people are more likely to be home. I’m surprised he’s been as quiet as he has been the last few weekends.

Tom got the animals the biggest bail of sawdust I’ve ever seen. It’s got to be a 50-pound bag.

I’ve also never seen an animal love me as much as Scuttles does, and I’d have to say I haven’t loved any animal as much as I love him. He’s so cute, loving and playful. At one point, while Tom and I were sitting on the couch with him, I had to get up for ibuprofen for a headache. After I did, Scuttles jumped down off the couch to follow me.

Friday, March 17, 2000

Not much to update on. No booms today and no Dan yesterday. That doesn’t mean I won’t hear from Dan tonight, though. It’s still early enough. If he does bug me, I’ll just throw my music on.

We’re going over to Mom’s on Monday to do some computer work for Mary and to visit her. We’ll go before Mary and Dave get home. That way the dog will be outside barking its ass off, and not inside to scare the shit out of me. I pity Mary’s neighbors if they hate barking like I do.

I made them screensavers, as I mentioned before, which Tom says they can’t wait to see. Tom also decided he wanted to make them a digital photo album on a CD, so I picked out about 110 pictures of us and things associated with us, like pictures of the land and pets.

Saturday, March 18, 2000

Getting pretty hot out there! We were outside (he still is) and I cut up some boxes for burning.

As expected, he’s shown no desire for sex. I knew that having sex like we did 2-3 times a week wouldn’t last long. I knew he’d get sick of it. Personally, I think it was all a show. I mean, I think he thought he could tease me big time by thinking we’d have full-time sex regularly, then bye-bye full-time sex and hello to part-time sex once again. Little does he know he didn’t get the bummed out feeling he no doubt hoped I’d get. I’m ever so grateful to be back to the part-time sex. I have no appetite myself. It’s just old and predictable, and it bores me to tears. It’s hard to get turned on by him when I know he isn’t all that turned on by me. I just can’t do the one-sided sex like I used to be able to. He also says he’s worried about having grocery money for the next two weeks. Well, he’s 40 pounds overweight and I’m 20 pounds overweight. I don’t think it’ll kill us to cut back on food for a couple of weeks, but like I said, he’s just looking for excuses. I told you that if we had more time there’d be some other problem and there is. And once we’re doing better financially, he’ll be sick or sore more often. And like I also said, it’s OK if we have part-time, cumless sex. I just hate the lies and excuses. It’s OK that I can’t have a kid cuz I don’t want the burden and responsibility that’d bring, but at the same time, I still resent him for taking away my chance to find out if I could’ve conceived naturally. Because of this stubborn, controlling, scaredy-cat, along with the help of God, I’ll never know for sure. Just have vibes. My woman’s intuition tells me no, I wouldn’t conceive even if he squirted regularly. I’ve sensed long before I ever met Tom that I couldn’t conceive, and I didn’t with the stupid shits I did it with back east.

Paula left a message at 5 AM our time. I guess she’s calling on weekends now. I wish she’d call more like once every month or two, but at least she’s not bugging me several times a day like Andy used to. I don’t miss the long, boring phone calls with Andy. It’s not that he never had anything interesting to say, I just don’t miss his selfishness and his only coming over when he wanted something. Andy was a pest and a half.

Later...

Tom and I watched The Others live. I’m amazed they haven’t had an episode yet with childbirth in it.

Didn’t hear from Dan yesterday or today. I’m amazed at that, too.

Played with Scuttles on and off and now I’m making Tom and I a baked potato.

Sunday, March 19, 2000

Another quiet, stress-free, peaceful weekend. How many cars were next door at the Mexicans this weekend? Hmm…Ten? Twenty? Fifty? Hee, hee! Well, they didn’t have anything to do with my life!! Not the quiet blue-green pickup, nor the bass-banging Ranchero!!!

My pee is green. I’m pretty sure it’s cuz of the water pills I’ve been taking, cuz the further away I get from taking one, the clearer my pee is. It’s turned out to be more of a help than I thought it would be when it comes to losing excess water, although it doesn’t do shit for pre-period boob soreness. Even more amazing - I woke up at 121 pounds today, but have done nothing lately to lose weight. Again, could it be connected to these water pills? I’d guess so.

We screwed today and he let himself in there again. I was surprised.

He installed a picture viewer on my computer and it’s great. It allows me to sift through them faster. We can’t bring the screensavers to Mom tomorrow because we need to find certain files to make them run on their computer. We are going to bring them a CD of pictures, though.

Scuttles was so funny earlier. Even Tom’s amused by the rat’s behavior. Ratsy was out chasing me again, along with Scuttles, and they both were chasing this strip of paper I’d dangle in front of them like a kitten would. It was so cute.

Tuesday, March 21, 2000

Just fired up my computer to cover today’s events, then I’m going to listen to music, maybe sing a little, then hopefully I’ll crash. Benadryl ought to help with that. Yeah, my allergies have been going berserk. Tom says he feels bad that he took me out on such a windy day, but it started before we went out. I think the dust in Mary’s house contributed more to it in the end than the wind did. She only cleans once a year at Christmas time. And when she cleans, I think that only means neatening things up, or rearranging them and lessening some of the clutter. Not dusting and vacuuming. I doubt she even owns a vacuum.

Driving through that horrendous city sure brings out the rage in me, but first, we enjoyed seeing Mom. Evelyn wasn’t there when we arrived because she had to go to the dentist. We showed Mom the pictures we burned on the disk we brought her, and Tom set about to connect their two computers, but Mary didn’t leave the stuff he needed. I guess she hadn’t gotten the parts yet, cuz something came up.

Mary, who came in about a half-hour before we left, saw the pictures, too.

I played around with their electric dartboard and saw their new birds. They have a blue parakeet like the one we had and a green one. One of them has a really nice cage.

Dave came in on our way out, so we quickly said hello to him, then headed for the grocery store which was a circus and a half. It took us forever at the check-out, thanks to the slow, stupid Mexican at the register. Non-whites were plentiful compared to the whites, which now seem to be the minority. The blacks and Mexicans totally ran the whites out, or so it seems. They help to run us out.

After the grocery store, Tom ran into Staples, but as I figured, they didn’t have ink refills for my kind of printer, so he’s going to order them online. I’m sure I’ll have to remind him and push him to do it a dozen times before he finally does.

Anyway, as I’ve said before, one of the things I hate about driving in the city isn’t just all its traffic and construction, it’s the fucking assholes that creep! No one can drive the speed limit in Arizona, I swear! Not even in Lavene, a tiny scum town just outside of Phoenix. It’s either a poor Indian tribe town that hasn’t made money with casinos or a Mexican town. Either way, like most scum towns, it ain’t white. Anyway, this couple in front of us had us dragging at fucking 15 miles below the speed limit for miles. When we finally got the chance to pass them, I fingered them out of frustration and Tom blew a fuse over it, getting all paranoid about getting shot for it, etc. I’m not saying this world isn’t full of sensitive poor losers, but what are the odds of that, huh? If we all went around shooting those who flipped us off, gave us dirty looks, or swore at us, there’d be none of us left. I told him I’d keep my fingers down from here on out, but I’ll be damned if I’ll kiss society’s ass and not vent my anger and frustration when I want to. I’m not gonna live walking on eggshells because of society’s poor precious sensitive little feelings. If they can’t handle the things I say and do - tough shit. If you can’t handle a finger or two, you’ll never make it in this world and you don’t belong in this world in the first place. You piss me off, you’ll hear from me about it, and if you can’t deal with it - that’s your problem.

Wednesday, March 22, 2000

Amazingly, I still haven’t heard from the boomers in the sky. I’ve been sleeping just fine. Maybe they’re on break or something. This peace can’t last forever, though.

Yesterday turned out to be quite a rough day. My allergies just wouldn’t quit. On and on went the sneezing and the runny nose. Obviously, I’m gonna have these vicious allergy attacks every few weeks or so and there’s nothing I can do about them but just live with them. It’s better than deadly asthma attacks.

Tom picked out a portfolio organizer from a catalog for being at the bank for five years.

Later...

Just got our third sales call of the week. It was the Arizona Republic calling. By June we’ll be back to getting several calls a day and I’ll have to turn the ringer off. I could tell it was automated too, cuz of the delay between when I picked up and when the person started talking. I told them not to call again, but I’m sure they will after a few days. And the thing is that they never remove numbers from their system, and also, they give it out to their friends so they can put your number in their system, too. It’s like a mailing list, only it’s with the phone. Now that someone knows someone lives at this number, more people will be given the number. If the Phoenix number is still out of service, it’s still being called many times a day. Once it does get reissued, I sure feel sorry for whoever gets the number.

I still haven’t heard from the people in the sky. I don’t know what’s up with that. I still don’t know why we didn’t hear from them during October, November, and December.

Once I get my book done and out to some publishers, this will be a real test of God. This will tell me if he’s all about stopping me from doing things I wanted to that I couldn’t handle, or if he’s about stopping me from doing anything I want to do. Period.

Soon, Tammy, Dureen, and Art will hear from me one last time. Along with sending the pictures, I will make myself clear as to why I don’t want any contact for the last time, simply because I like to express myself and not because I feel I owe them an explanation. I don’t owe these people shit, and except for Lisa, I don’t regret dumping them. I never felt better. I only wish I’d done it sooner. I can’t stand these people. I just can’t stand them. And I can’t associate with Lisa and have to be reminded of these sick fucks whenever we talk. I don’t want to know Bill, Larry, Tammy, Dureen or Art exist, other than to send them this final piece of mail. I never again want to be a part of their abuse and tall tales. I could never again associate with such dishonest control freaks like Dureen and Art, nor Larry with the way he tried to take over the family’s affairs and with the way he and his folks ganged up against Tammy. Yes, Tammy’s a shit parent, but Larry didn’t just want Lisa for the sake of getting her away from Tammy. He wanted to replace his son and to spite Tammy. And I could never again associate with Tammy and her bullshit either. She lies, exaggerates, and is the moodiest hypochondriac I know.

If I crossed paths with most people that have burned me in the past, I wouldn’t even pay them the time of day, but these people have fucked me up and over so badly for so long, that I still burn with rage at the mere thought of them, and if I ever saw Bill, Larry or Ronnie - I’d beat them beyond recognition in a heartbeat. I hate bully cocks like them that think they’re oh so tough! There’s nothing I’d get off more on than to show these “big tough men” that no, they can’t hit everybody and no, they can’t beat everybody. Some people, including women, could kick the shit out of them and that includes me. I have the rage to do it and do it well. I know I could. I’d bet my dolls on it. In this day and age, they’d never stand a chance against me. Hell, I could take them all on at once with one arm tied behind my back, and oh how I wish I could be the one to teach these little fucks a valuable lesson about what happens when the wrong person is hit/fucked over by them. I’d make them so terrified to even think of fucking with anyone the way Ronnie used to shove me around and the way Bill’s hit Lisa.

Oddly enough, though, I don’t feel extreme rage when it comes to my folks, even though they abused me both physically and mentally more than anyone else ever has. Maybe it’s because of their age. Or maybe it’s because I know that Larry, Bill and Ronnie would be more of a challenge for me, even if I know I could kick the shit out of them easily enough. Meaning that although I know I could beat them all, I could beat my parents with just one punch. The others would take four or five punches. Maybe it’s that. I don’t know. I just know that if I could change two things in my life, I’d erase the resentment I feel towards Tom for lying to me about the kid, and I’d erase my anger towards these people back east and just forget about them. Literally, forget them.

Below are excerpts from my letters.

To the shit sister:

The biggest thing about you that really made my blood boil was how you let Bill go on abusing you and Lisa for years before you finally put your foot down, even if it was in a half-assed kind of way since you do allow Bill access to your kids. Even you yourself admitted that you were miserable for years and wouldn’t address it. I don’t need experience as a parent to know that your job as a parent was/is to protect your kids from abuse, and you DIDN’T! There’s absolutely no excuse for your letting his shit go on like that. Using your childhood is a lame, pitiful excuse, too. You should’ve kicked his ass and thrown him out the first time he laid a hand on her and you should’ve made it the last time he laid a hand on her. Sometimes two wrongs do make a right and sometimes you do have to literally fight for justice. Turning the other cheek doesn’t always work. These violent people need to be shown that if they hurt someone, someone’s gonna hurt them. Instead, you sent this pitiful excuse of a person the wrong message. You might as well have had a big sign made up saying: beat my daughter Bill. I’ll let you get away with it with no taste of your own medicine to come. Like I said, you should’ve kicked his ass, and if you couldn’t do it with your bare hands, you should’ve used a weapon which could’ve and would’ve been justified to the cops - he attacked my daughter and I did what I had to do to get him away from her. Violent people like Bill can’t be helped or changed and yes, someday he’s gonna hit the wrong person who’s gonna make him be afraid to even think of hitting another person (if he lives) but you should’ve been the one to teach him his lesson. If we had had kids and if Tom had ever laid a hand on them, I’d beat him beyond recognition as would be my duty as a parent and I’d never let him near me or my kids again, and I don’t care what the courts said. And you were worried about how I’d be as a parent in the past. Well, obviously all your worries over me were just a cover for your own worries, doubts and failures as a parent, huh? Well, rest assured - I wouldn’t have been a perfect parent who never made mistakes, but I wouldn’t have let my husband beat her year after year either! It’s not your fault Bill’s the way he is, and it’s not your fault that our pitiful excuse of a court system is as fucked up as it is, but that’s all the more reason why we need to take responsibility. What I mean by putting your foot down in a half-assed kind of way was that you should’ve ignored the courts and not let Bill near the kids, even if that meant you had to run and hide. If the courts won’t do their job, then we the people need to do it for them and pick up where they left off. If the courts told you to kill your kids and then yourself, would you do it? And what are you? Attracted to aggressive, abusive, violent men? Where’s your self-respect, girl? I see a nasty pattern here. Dick was violent, Joe was violent, and Bill was. Is Mark gonna hit you and the kids too? And if so, how many years is it gonna take for you to fight back? Well, we can’t undo the mistakes we’ve made in the past, and we all make them. All we can do is learn from our mistakes. Next time a man lays a hand on you or the kids - make him sorry, show him it’s a definite no-no, have self-respect and respect for your kids, and get rid of him! And Tam, I’m sorry if what I just said sounded cruel, but it’s the truth!

To the shit excuse for parents:

I can’t lie to you folks and tell you when or if you’ll ever hear from me again. You could hear from me again in a few months, a few years, or never. I just don’t know. I certainly couldn’t call you and resume a relationship with you if I couldn’t be accepted as I am and cuz I just couldn’t trust you. Not after you’ve broken your word to me a zillion times. You can’t keep personal and private stuff between us. Or any disagreements we have. It was fine when you’d tell people things like “Jodi and Tom went to Vegas,” or “Jodi likes to sing and her nickname’s Mystery,” but to tell them “I’m sick of hearing about the same things and things I can’t relate to. I don’t give a damn if she can’t get pregnant. That’s her problem, I have no empathy for her, and I’m sick of hearing it” is wrong. I can see if you had simply told people that we had a disagreement, but to get into details, half of which you made up along the way, was wrong. Our conflicts were never Marty and Ruth’s business, Larry’s business, or your friend’s business, either. They should’ve been kept between us. If I wanted them to know certain things, I’d tell them myself. Hell, you told the whole town of Longmeadow I jumped. You made me feel like it was more important for you to get sympathy than to protect my privacy. And the fictitious story about me chasing you, Doe, with a hammer (or was it a knife?) When I was somewhere between 15-20 was ludicrous. You had so many people scared to death of me for no reason. No one needs to be or should be afraid of me unless they try to harm me or my husband. Anyway, I already made my feelings clear, and if you read them and if you understood a word I said, you’d know how I felt. In the long run, though, it really doesn’t matter one way or the other what you do or don’t understand or agree with me on because as long as we don’t resume the relationship we had in the past, we won’t clash with each other.

Later...

Tom left a note saying to wake him up at 9:00. So early? Does this mean we’re gonna get together tonight? And are we back to having sex 2-3 times a week? Gee, I can’t wait!

I can’t help but have conflicting emotions about his not cumming, just as I do about God’s deciding to take my reproductive system into his hands and make my decisions for me regarding that.

I don’t want a kid, but I resent God for robbing me of my choice.

I don’t want a kid, but I resent Tom for robbing me of a normal sex life.

Until a professional told him there was nothing that could be done and it was truly out of his control, I’ll never forgive him for denying me his cum, so to speak, when I did want a kid. And he makes me feel like such a cursed freak, too. I’ve never heard of anyone like him. I swear he’s the only one in this world like he is. I know I’m right, just as I have been so far, about his not wanting a kid and that that’s the basis for his not cumming. And I know he’ll never go to a doctor about it. If it were up to him, he’d never discuss the issues of cumming or kids again in his life. But what I still don’t get to this day, is why go to such extremes to see that he doesn’t become the father he never wanted to be and still doesn’t want to be. The only reason I can think of is that he knew I wanted a kid when we met and just didn’t have the heart to tell me he didn’t want that and therefore insisted we use birth control. I think his refusal to cum became a habit he can’t break. Or can rarely break. I’m sure that long after menopause, he still won’t cum. He’s too used to the way he is and too pleased with it. He obviously wants to be the way he is, whether or not there is a pregnancy risk. I can tell by how comfortable he is with the way he is. How many guys are like him, and can’t help it, and are happy with it? No one! Just him. I tell you, there’s no such thing as a case like he’s got. Not medically, anyway. His situation just doesn’t exist. You either can’t get hard to begin with, or you can, and you can cum just fine. No one gets hard but can’t cum. The question is - am I really the only one with a guy who can get hard, but won’t cum?

Anyway, I just try not to think of it, and all the ways God and other people have made my decisions for me or controlled me in any way. I’ve never been with anyone that was remotely normal in bed and I never would be if I went through a zillion more people, be it women or guys. I also never had a say in my reproductive system and I never will. God put the lock and chains on that the day I was born and declared it off-limits to me. All I can do is just live with these facts. They cannot be changed, and even if they could be, I don’t know that I’d want to change them. Not just because my heart is no longer in changing them, but because of my fear of God’s retaliation against me for going against his wishes for me. If there’s one thing I’ve learned it’s never to mess with God!

Thursday, March 23, 2000

Last night it looked like the pig was dying, all thanks to me and my carelessness. Apparently, the bottle he had broke and he couldn’t get any water for God knows how many days, so he was weak and dehydrated. I put a different bottle in, but that one leaked, so now he’s back to a bowl, and I managed to get some water into him. I think he’ll be okay, although I have mixed emotions about that. Perhaps this is really mean of me, but sometimes I wish he didn’t exist. I’m kind of sick of guinea pigs these days, and he’s so lazy. All he does is sit there, taking up space and making more work for me.

Tom woke up really early yesterday at around 7:00, which left him five hours before he had to go to work. At one point I told him I knew having sex 2-3 times a week was overwhelming for him but did he want to screw tonight anyway? I feel obligated to offer, I guess. Sure enough, he flashed that amused grin. That pleased kind of grin that says, I was hoping you’d ask so I could tease you by turning you down (believe me, though. I wouldn’t feel teased). He didn’t quite turn me down, though. Although I figured he wasn’t in the mood to screw till the weekend, he suggested he go down on me. I forgot that a few days ago I had made a comment about getting off sometime soon as part of my let’s-give-Tom-a-taste-of-his-own-medicine routine. I figured if he was gonna lie and play games, so was I. It gets weird, though. The idea was to tell him I’d cum and make sure I didn’t. However, it felt so good that I wanted to cum, but couldn’t! There’s a simple explanation for it, though. I took care of myself earlier, not expecting him to go down on me. He insisted it was cuz he was out of practice, but he did a fine job.

Lately, I feel like he’s trying to face what he’s done to me over the years in his own way, not that he’ll change by asking that we use birth control or by cumming and not worrying about what risks it may hold. But in his own way, he does feel bad. He’s told me he feels bad and always will, but I know it’s worth it to him. He’d rather feel bad about it, then try to change it. Another thing that tells me he’s trying to own up to his bullshitting me over the years, is the fact that he’s done nothing to deny the things I’ve said lately, like how he never wanted a kid, etc. It’s like he’s quit denying it. Maybe that’s the best he can do to fess up to what he’s done because I sure as hell can’t imagine him ever coming out and bluntly admitting I was right about him and his fears all along. He’s too stubborn for that.

Tom’s gonna put in a sell order to sell some stock to pay bills with. Right now we’re pretty current, but he said we could fall behind.

Dan, Dennis, and Steven! I want to fucking smack you! They’re still affecting our lives! Fucking mother-fucking cocks! When that cock brother of mine had a plaque made up dedicating his business to Larry, one of the lines was: always with you, always with me. I could have it backward, but anyway, when I first read that in a picture Dureen sent me, the first thing that came to mind was - my God! That’s exactly how I feel about the freeloaders. They’re always with me and I’m always with them. Like it or not. I lived to get away from them or for them to get away from me. Well, this is how I feel about these cocks, too. We may not be fighting on the phone with them every day, pleading for them to do their fucking jobs, but even so, they’re still affecting us and they’re still a part of our lives. They’re always with us and we’re always with them. Maybe someday – someday - preferably this year, God will free us and our finances from these degenerate fucks.

Speaking of the freeloaders, I still have dreams about them every now and then, but it’s fine. As long as they’re not a few feet away from me, it’s fine. In the dream, we were still neighbors and we were getting ready to move in a couple of weeks. I was ignoring them and their shit, letting them wonder why they weren’t getting a reaction from me over the music since I knew we were moving anyway.

Yes, those blacks, and the Mexicans as well, will always be with me whether or not I’m always with them. I mean, how could I forget these assholes and the stress, anger, frustration, and hell they inflicted upon me for years and then months? At least now they’re a part of my life in my memory only. I can remember them and be sooo grateful to be free of them and their shit.

I’m utterly stunned how Mr. Bias actually kept his word and dropped it the day they wasted their time dragging me down there to discuss shit they could’ve discussed here. I really thought they were gonna subpoena me. Wow! A cop that doesn’t lie! Hmm… I’m also shocked that these people didn’t send us mail through our old address. Especially the blacks. Yes, people do have the nerve to do that. They would commit the same crime against you they’re accusing you of. I remember how Fran actually had the nerve to bring me up on prank phone call charges while he was doing the same thing to me, till I talked him into dropping the charges. Oh, the winners I used to be dumb enough to associate with!

Later...

I was sitting by my open office window when I heard this metallic-sounding hammering. I thought maybe someone had the nerve to be trying to pry the lock off the shed, but when I went outside I could tell it was coming from a neighboring property, probably next door. They may have resumed their building project. Having no buildings or hills between the houses makes sounds appear closer than they actually are. What was so cool was that I couldn’t hear a damn thing with the window shut. That wouldn’t be the case in Phoenix! When there was hammering next door, I heard it loud and clear, even over fans and music.

I may have a new wild animal friend, but I won’t count on it yet. I spotted her about 30 feet from the office window. She was gray and about the size of the rats. At first I thought it could be a baby jackrabbit till I saw its head was shaped like a squirrel and it had a tail similar to a rat’s tail. At least I think it did. I think it was a gopher. Anyway, it looks like she’s living in a hole by this bush that’s near where I spotted her. I went out and left some lettuce around the hole and a short while later I saw her out again. I went out the front door, saw her leap into the hole, then I placed a carrot and some regular food by the hole. Tomorrow I’ll go see if it’s gone. Hopefully, I’ll see Gophie, as I refer to her, again tomorrow.

I tried to take a picture, but she was too far and too small. I even went online to see if I could find a picture of a gopher, but couldn’t. I ended up reading up on a variety of rodents. I like how they say hamsters are antisocial and possibly evil. They rate mice as sociable but say the males fight. They rate rats as social, friendly, and very intelligent. One rat owner said they loved rats and how they chase strings, come when called (sometimes), and really enjoy human company.

Friday, March 24, 2000

Last night I told Tom about the critter I saw and he said it wasn’t a gopher, which is ugly. He said it’s a kangaroo rat, a desert animal I’ve never heard of before, and he showed me a picture of it online. They need almost no water to survive and basically live off of seeds.

Today, we went out and I showed him the hole where she lives and saw that she’d eaten the food I left her. I sprinkled some more of the animal’s food out for her, then we went back into the house. A few minutes later, we saw her running around. She almost came right up to the house. She came as close as the wash and Tom took a picture. It’s very hard to see any detail, but it’s the best picture yet. She’s a cutie, but not as cute as a regular rat. She doesn’t have the pointy nose that rats and mice have. Her head is a lot like a squirrel’s. She’s got a blunt nose like a squirrel and a guinea pig, and the tail isn’t like a rat’s. Rat’s tails are snake-like, but her tail is broad and flat. Tom said he isn’t sure, but it could be a type of groundhog, although definitely not a gopher. Even so, I’m still calling her Gophie.

This weekend I’m just gonna go ahead and talk to Paula when she calls, and she will call. The message I left her about calling on the 1st of every month is no doubt going to go in one ear and out the other. I left her a message last week, in case I forgot to say so, telling her we were getting a long-distance block put on so she won’t keep pestering me with her “call me” messages. I dropped hints, reminding her not to lose her phone and spend too much money if she’s expecting a pay cut, but we’ll see. I think she’s just gonna keep on ringing up her bill till she loses the phone. I’m amazed at how long it takes her to lose her phone each time around, though, cuz I know I’m not the only one she calls that’s long-distance, and if she’s really looking at only getting $600 a month, then she’ll have no choice but to cut her calls back. God tends to pamper these kinds of people, though. Meaning, I highly doubt, if she really gets cut back that much, that she’ll supplement herself by working. She’ll just have welfare make up the difference, and they’ll be glad to do it, too. As soon as they see someone with a kid come in there, they’re ready to hand out the world to them.

Later...

Still no sign of my outdoor friend. The food’s still out there, too. Maybe she really doesn’t live in the hole I thought she lived in. Anyway, rodents are more active at night. That’s when the food will get eaten, I’m sure.

In my final letter to Dureen and Art, I told them Mom moved in with a cousin cuz her daughter’s having health problems, and that I’d instructed all my relatives out here not to give them any info if they called. What I’m curious to see, though, is if Dureen will have the nerve to knowingly go against my wishes, just like she loves to do, and still send Mom a Christmas card to Mary’s house. See, I know she couldn't care less about Mom and sending her cards. She doesn’t send Tom cards, so why would she care more about her than Tom? It’s all to spite me. That’s all it is.

I have such mixed emotions about Tom. I always have and I know I always will. He’s given me so much, yet he’s taken so much, too. He’s given me a home, security, and the chance to do things I couldn’t do on my own. At the same time, I’ve given up a kid for him, I’ve given up the way I normally deal with those that fuck with me (neighbors/contractors), I’ve changed my clothing style for him, etc. Not that I can ever see myself returning to wanting a child (God, I hope not!) or that God would allow it, and not that I still have the body for the clothes I used to wear, but still, I feel like he’s robbed me of opportunities as well as brought me opportunities.

Later...

Wow! Last year it took me 117 pages to get from the New Year up to today’s date, and just 71 pages this year. There hasn’t been as much to write about since getting in the house, and there are certainly no Mexicans a few feet away to give spy reports on!

What a bummer to know that the freeloaders never read my mail. I highly doubt they’d read it before giving it to the cops. This must mean Larry never read my mail either, despite the bluff. And why would he? I wouldn’t read mail from him. If I got mail from him, I’d put it in the trash to be burned as soon as I knew it was from him, without reading a word. And his saying he sent copies to all kinds of people wouldn’t catch my interest either, cuz I wouldn’t care. Someone could send every single human being in this world a letter saying I’m a crazy asshole for all I care.

It’s no wonder Tom’s as tense and as serious as he is easygoing and relaxed. He is soooo neighbor-conscious! He totally regretted saying this to me cuz of how mad I got, but he told me to shut my office window if I was going to blast my music. He said he knows how much I hate it when others blast their music with the window open, and he certainly wouldn’t want to do things to others that he didn’t like done to him. First of all, when Dan blasts his music, it’s not through an open window. He’s taken the speakers outside. Also, I reminded him that if he wants to be all neighbor-paranoid, worship the ground they walk on, kiss their asses, cater to what he thinks they want, have his life revolve around them, and think the world of their opinions and feelings - fine. But that’s him and not me. I have no more respect for neighbors than they’ve had for me. I don’t give a shit if they can hear me in any way or what they think. As far as I’m concerned, I have no neighbors. They just don’t exist for me anymore. And if he’s so worried about what neighbors think, why is the property still trashed? He’s sending a message saying we’re slobs, which I think would make him want to cry. Or is he just rebelling against me? Is he trashing the outside because I demanded that he not trash the inside? Anyway, I’ll be damned if he’ll control me any more than he already has and try to make me into him. He’s not taking/changing another goddamn thing about me.

The ballerina doll I got at the casino never came with a stand, so I put one of the Giselle dolls stand on a 17” doll, and used that doll’s stand for this doll, which is a 14”. I’m glad I got that second Giselle doll, cuz I really fucked the first one up.

Sunday, March 26, 2000

I am having sooo much fun today! Tom showed me how you can play bingo online for money. I haven’t won, naturally, but it’s fun anyway. Some games are for a few bucks, some for thousands. The only part of it that’s a bore is that they make you wait a couple of minutes or so in between games while they run their stupid commercials. I’m waiting for a game to start right now.

True to form, Paula did call this weekend, but only once. Early yesterday morning.

Also, Dan just couldn’t resist the urge to do a little engine-gunning earlier, but fortunately, it didn’t last too long.

I told Tom I wouldn’t be in the mood for sex this weekend, cuz I was bummed about Velvet’s dying. Not too bummed, though, cuz like I said, I love guinea pigs and they sound really neat, but they don’t do anything.

Back again. Got 2 minutes and 37 seconds before the next game starts. As I was saying, GPs just don’t do anything. They don’t have colorful tubes to run through, no wheels to run on, and they don’t run around and explore.

Butter Rum is definitely pregnant, and I think Oreo is, too. Butter Rum’s further along.

I made poor Tom move the den chair into the living room, but it looked stupid there, so the poor guy hauled it back into the den. Yes, having the chair out of the den really does open that room up and make it look bigger, but I like the chair in there better, cuz where I had it, separated that room from the kitchen. Without it there, the den and kitchen sort of blended in with each other.

Later...

Tomorrow’s my appointment to have my teeth cleaned, as well as to have the retainers adjusted, although this time around, they’re still fitting pretty snugly. Anyway, I am not looking forward to this appointment! I know I’m gonna have a ton of cavities!

It’s been two or three weeks now since there’s been peace up in the sky, and God do I pray for just one more week! I need to flip my schedule once and for all to reset it, and I need to take a break from the Melatonin. I’m becoming immune to it and it’s just not working like it used to. Tonight, so I can get to sleep sooner than 4:00 or 5:00, I’ll take a Benadryl. That should work. It’s just that I don’t want to risk staying up till 5:00, then being boomed awake at 9:30, if they’re gonna be flying again, on the day I have a long appointment. After the appointment, we’ll probably swing by to see Mom, who’s just a few minutes away.

Monday, March 27, 2000

I am in such a great mood! Today was just great!

First, the traffic wasn’t the nightmare it was the last time, second, the hygienist was sick, third, we saw Mom, and lastly, I found a wonderful slot machine game online to play, too. You build up tokens to turn into money. They even have real casinos online where you play with money for money.

When we got to the dentist, Trisha told me she tried to call me, and we asked her what number she had. She looked on her computer and read me the wrong number, but somebody’s got it somewhere, or else Melanie wouldn’t have called me before. Anyway, neither of us could remember the regular line’s number, so we gave her the cell number.

The doctor didn’t need to readjust my retainers, but he gave me more fluoride toothpaste at my request, and I don’t go back till June 20th.

At Mom’s, I played a little solitaire on Mary’s computer and Evelyn was baking pumpkin pie. She gave me some and said I looked like I lost a little weight and looked good. Well, these online games sure are a good way to keep my mind off of food!

We put special hinges on Mom’s bathroom door to make the door even with the wall so her walker can fit through it.

I’m writing in between games, and I love how a box pops up to tell me when the game’s started so I don’t have to keep checking.

I loved Mary’s wildflowers that she has at the side of her house. I was always hesitant about getting flowers cuz of the bees, but we’ve got enough bees as it is, so why not add a little color to the property, I said? So when we can, I want to get some flower seeds.

I don’t envy Mary for the neighbors she’s got across the street two houses or so down. They were white, and as far as I know, they are owners, but even so - there were a ton of kids and adults out playing basketball and screaming up a storm! I’d be miserable next to them. Those houses are about as old as our old one was and also have single-paned windows. At least Mary doesn’t have windows on the bedroom side of the house like ours did.

It was sooooo nice to not have to go back to that house and those Mexicans! Or blacks for that matter. Instead, I got to return to a quiet, beautiful new house!

We stopped at Circle K on the way home and again, my vibes about Jennifer being gone were reinforced by her not being there.

Tuesday, March 28, 2000

Surprisingly, I got up at 11:30, even though I didn’t crash till around 5:30. I thought I’d sleep till 1:00 or 2:00, but I guess not.

The pinkies should be here by the 3rd, so about five more days to go.

Later...

Shit! They just now started up with their booming. There goes any hopes I had of flipping my schedule over and giving myself a break from the Melatonin. Not if I want to get woken up a few or more times a day. I’m just surprised they didn’t start at 9:30 and wake me up then. I knew they wouldn’t take a few months off like they did when we first bought the land and were in the trailer. Now that we’re here, they’ll never take that long off again.

Later...

Guess I was more tired than I thought. I ended up taking a three-hour nap.

I’m not as excited as I was before about the bingo games. They’re just too fixed and the odds of winning are about the same as the odds of winning millions in the state lottery. They don’t play till someone wins, either.

Wednesday, March 29, 2000

I was going to write this during bingo intermissions, but sometimes I don’t want to be interrupted every two minutes and I just want to write straight through.

They let me sleep till 2:30 today, so maybe I can flip my schedule.

It’s so beautiful out right now, but still too warm to shut off the AC and open the windows. I wish we had a screened-in porch or even just a deck out front.

The fight for the Bowflex has officially begun. Tom called them today. They do ship UPS (and it should’ve gotten here by now) and we know they deliver out here because we’ve seen their trucks pass by, but they couldn’t check on our order because their computers were down. Yeah, I’m not the least bit surprised. With our shit luck, they’ll claim they never had an order for us when they finally do get their computers up and running.

Thursday, March 30, 2000

I’m listening to the Titanic soundtrack as I type. So far, except for one song, it’s not all that great. It’s too classical for me. I also got a Madonna album that I had on tape that I wanted on CD and a Heart CD. This one is of them in concert and it’s pretty good.

I got up earlier today at 1:00. That’s because I fell asleep earlier last night. Was up till 5:00 instead of 7:00.

The latest battle to get the Bowflex is that they had to verify the number we gave them (what the fuck took them so long?). They say that’s the last step, but we’ll see. They claim they’re gonna ship it Monday, which means we should have it by Friday, but you know that they’ll have to call first to be led by the hand to the house cuz they’ll be too stupid to read a map and find it for themselves. Either that, or they’ll get it here OK, but the thing will be damaged or missing a part. Or maybe both of these things will happen. All I know is that it ain’t over yet. Since we can never just have something and pay for it with money, I know there’s more shit to go through to get the damn thing. Verifying a number doesn’t seem like it’d be enough in God’s eyes.

I guess we’re gearing up for a storm. It’s windy and cloudy out there, but I don’t know how much rainfall we’ll actually get. Probably not much. You usually don’t get much out here till the monsoons hit.

[hannahhasafact]

Art in review 2024!

I know this is a bit of a mess and not even in a template form, but last year I didn’t even post any art in review. So there’s that I suppose! (Tbh I started to get frustrated with my old template because it was month to month; I’ve noticed some months I do a lot of pieces that I like while I truly don’t like/don’t do art the next month. It annoyed me.)

But anyways! Here is a smattering of art that I did this year.

I will forever be simultaneously be my own biggest fan and my biggest critic. With that, I will always be proud of myself for playing around with things stylistically! Like I like looking back on my art and not seeing the same face a bajillion times. Sure, I can get a lil “same face”-y but I know that I try to play with different art styles! And I do like that I try to do that.

Some positives of this year:

Like I said before, variety! I experimented with some things and I think that those were the drawings that turned out the best!

Character interaction! I think this was my art goal from the year before as well, but this year I can literally see how much I had characters interacting with one another!

And the cons:

I’ve been feeling like all of my art is very 2 dimensional and flat. Even when it’s a scene, it just feels pasted to a wall. Like even previous art doesn’t feel as flat… so I’d like to work on that.

I really struggled with anatomy this year??? Which annoys me, because I use references a lot. Sigh. Guess a thing to practice.

I was looking at my art this year thinking “I swear I drew more” which I did!!! But oh my god there’s truly so much art I did not finish.

Regarding the last one. The biggest issue I run into a lot with my art is I always want to make BIG pieces, and then I get frustrated because it’s so much work! Unfortunately for me, a lot of the shows I like are massive ensemble shows… so I always wanna draw stuff with like 4+ people, and that becomes a lot. I also really wanna make comics! But then they end up being like 10 pages and again, I don’t finish them. It’s something I’ve always struggled with. So, much like every other year, I’m going to ATTEMPT to make more small art. Which again, is hard for me.

So! Goals for next year: 1. FINISH THINGS. (my goal every year lol) 2. Work on making art more 3 dimensional. 3. Practice anatomy!

May 2025 be kind to us all, and may we all continue to create art!

**a small additional note for myself:

It’s also been about a decade since I started doing digital art (I got my first art tablet in 2014) and just

In some ways I look at this in comparison to now and think “god I’ve barely improved” but then I look at little bit closer and I’m just like

You understand line weigh so much better now

You have a better understanding of how an eyebrow affects an expression/how it affects weight in the face more now versus just throwing a sad brow on the face

You have more warmth in your coloring

It might not seem like you know so much more now to yourself but oh my god you know so much more now

And that’s nice in a way

[thelastman111]

November 3, 20XX

Dear journal,

Well, I wasn't expecting to ever write one of these. But, well, what else to do after the world has ended? With looming boredom and death, I might as well make something for someone to find someday. Or I'm the last person on earth, and this will rot without anyone else there to see. Whatever happens, it might be an improvement. Excuse me if I ramble, but the thoughts have to get out somehow.

My name is Henry Quince Gold. I am 11 years old. Please don't let me be forgotten. I have my stuffed animals with me, too. I know they take up space, but I'd rather have less space and my stuffies than more space and feel even more alone. 

I have my oldest, Lamb-Lamb. He's been with me since I was a baby. He’s got some beans and stuffing in him, but he’s really floppy. I also have Wilford, who my mama got me. He’s got a doll dress that could really use a wash but, well, where can you find a washing machine in hell? Then I have Gizmo the Great Gecko. He’s got a good yarn texture.

I drew us all together, even though I have the drawing skills of a toddler. I need all the memories I can get before I inevitably die.

It's been raining, so I've taken shelter in an abandoned convenience store. I guess people were right when they said twinkies would last to the end of the world. If I put them in the top of my bag, will the rest of my stuff crush them? Well, only time will tell.

I didn't see any Taken, so that's good. I’ve made myself a bit of a camp here. The roof’s leaking, so I rigged up my tarp into a lean-to against the wall where it’s dry. It’s not perfect, but it’s better than nothing. The constant drip-drip-drip isn’t the nicest, but at least it means I can refill my water bottle with rainwater. I’ll have to boil it if I get the chance. My lighter still works—thank God. Makes me feel like I know what I’m doing out here.

I figured, since this is my “journal,” I’ll list off everything I have with me. You know, in case someone finds this someday. Maybe they’ll understand what it was like to live with the world gone to pieces. Maybe the world’s gotten better. Who knows.

So, here’s my entire life, packed into one backpack and a shoulder tote:

Cans of food (Chicken and mandarins mostly, nothing fancy)

My multi-tool, probably the best thing I own

My lighter

One set of clothes: green flannel shirt, jeans, socks, the works

A pair of rain boots (not new, but they’re sturdy)

A yellow rain jacket, which makes me look like a walking banana

The tarp, which I’m using to keep the rain out

Jerky, just a little, for emergencies

Water bottle, halfway full (thanks, rain)

A book I have yet to read

A map I don't understand

A hatchet

A pocket knife

23 dollars in money i will never be able to use

Blankets

And some notebooks and stuff

Not much, but it’s what I’ve got. It’s strange to think that people used to fill whole rooms with stuff and still want more. Now, every little thing feels precious. I hold onto my stuffed animals like they’re made of gold. I know they’re just fabric and fluff, but they’re memories I don’t want to lose.

It’s quiet now, except for the rain and the occasional creak of this place settling. Still haven’t seen any Taken around. Probably sleeping through the rain, just like me. I hope they stay that way. I'm going to bed, too. Good night, world.