#I’ve never been so aware of how strong a betrayal and how fucked a choice is. and then been like. yeah but I 100% get it.

[healinghoneybee]

The Sensitive Woman Says Goodbye

Tw:SA, victim-blaming, second-wound

Am I a “highly sensitive person”?

or have I just been traumatized and neglected as a child (physical, emotional, sibling abuse), bullied and misunderstood and left out as a teen, sexually assaulted by an intimate partner as a young woman still in early development, not believed/dismissed and invalidated by my mother and left without support during ptsd/ depression, rejected or misled or hurt by romantic interests, stonewalled and invalidated by partners adding to the socialization of women to doubt their feelings and reactions and experience, judged and blamed for struggling with trauma symptoms by friends and those who were supposed to be supportive safe connections, oppressed by the patriarchy and societal expectations and gender roles and media and culture as a woman, fucked up by North American individualistic culture and capitalism never allowing the proper rest and time and resources and space to heal??

Honestly, who fucking knows. Pretty sure these things happened

but the person who owed me an apology for hurting me says I’m “perpetuating my own hurt” or victimizing myself or “tormenting” myself over something “beautiful” but not worth hurting over to you. so maybe none of these things happened and I’m supposed to smile and laugh and forget it and move on and look pretty and fuck boys and “take back my power” even when our relationship still was not safe because it was not based on transparent honest and informed consent of the type of relationship it was for the other person and self awareness and communication of expectations and respect for my needs and agency and choice

Honestly fuck you. I think power lies in speaking the truth. It’s not “my” story. I didn’t do these things to myself. But I deserve to have these things spoken and heard and taken seriously rather than denied. I get to define what is resilience and power and strength and vulnerability and healing.

Not you. A boy who can’t even apologize because apparently hurtful actions and behaviour is the “real you”. Who’s never faced a broken heart. You cannot tell me to take care of myself. You cannot tell me what’s hurting me or what is real.

I am not only “sensitive.” I have been impacted and that is not my fault. I am still good and worthy and strong and loveable.

Maybe I think some people are a bit too “INsensitive” and not as considerate as they say they are. Maybe I’d rather be tender because at least I am sensitive to what is hurtful, harmful, and how I want to be sensitive to how I treat and talk to others so I don’t make them feel the way I’ve felt.

If I made you feel more guilt or shame than the situation called for, if you brought something to me at least I’d be willing to apologize because I know it’s important.

I do not believe or trust you anymore. I gave you many chances at repair for friendship and a lot of generosity but ya blew it. Your defensiveness and blame deflected back onto me for reacting to the hurtful actions is a betrayal that maybe will never be repaired. You were not generous with me, so I won’t be giving my generosity or trust to you anymore. It is too late. I don’t want your response or words anymore anyway. They have lost meaning, the damage is done beyond repair. I have closed the books.

My reaction and feelings were valid. And if you cared about me, you would care about your impact.

Goodbye.

[noobsomeexagerjunk]

Always Shine and Redefine Our Humanity

How Eret Contributes to the Dream SMP's Narrative Themes of Change and Self-Discovery

I can’t believe listening to a song from a fairly obscure but growing musical (where I took this post’s title from) would prompt me to inspect Eret’s character more but here we are. I will heavily use @theeretblr's (whom you should subscribe to, btw) Character Explanation thread as a basis, as well as statements about their character from their most recent streams and things that I have gathered from other essays by people who clearly have been watching from the start.

This will include sentiments and theories I want for the character because I kinda got attached to them as of late. Please keep in mind that I have been watching since around Late November-Early December, so my biases would be appropriate to such a viewer.

This essay is a discussion of the roleplay character.

1. Eret is Self-Preserving & Versatile in Skill (and this is why they're powerful)

"Those who are given Power hold on to it."

Something I’ve observed concerning Eret’s Betrayal of L’Manburg was their motivations for doing so. For a time they have believed that power and security mattered. For a time their interests went first. CC!Eret referred to the choice as "an offer no one would refuse" as well. This wasn't just luxury and (they didn't know it at the time, but false) power, it was the protection they would be allowed to have by the admin of the server. It was being allowed to do whatever they wanted, despite the means to it being dishonorable and interestingly enough, demanding of permission.

Eret was willing to do anything to remain secure and equipped, and I argue that they still do until now. The difference is that now, they are more concerned about how they maintain their security in that they wouldn't hurt other people or be extremely unethical in the pursuit of this security.

Also, they're privy to grinding when it's necessary, they know how to build structure and contraption, and they can hold their own fairly well. They're very well-spoken and can deliver on appearances and ambiance, excellent at both comforting and intimidating whomever they choose. They had to have been this skilled for a while.

2. Eret has a Forgotten History (of bringing down powerful groups of people, apparently)

"Those who don't know History are doomed to repeat it."

So remember that interaction with Foolish? I want to bring this up because I feel that having particularly close ties with a God of Undying/Death has implications.

Foolish also brings up "taking care of [a] Wither cult"—an organized group! Wasn't Eret known for taking down an organized group on the server? L'Manburg, at its founding. He was part of the rebellion against Manburg. He was against the Eggpire. Yep, that's a pattern.

What does this mean? Well:

Eret's hands were never clean from the start, clearly before the Final Control room, and it can be inferred that they're redder than they seem

Eret's tendencies towards self-preservation may have been influenced/learned from Foolish

Eret may have had (if they still don't do) an inclination to pursue power through the dismantling of organized groups that also seek/already have established power

Eret's current skills are the way they are due to his past

And we cannot forget the CC confirmation that c!Eret has relations with Herobrine, the infamous Minecraft urban legend known for the horror he brings and how many lovers of Minecraft frame him as this terrifying powerhouse entity beyond human comprehension. This relation is still a mystery, but from what we know, it can tell us a lot about what Eret has forgotten about himself and what Eret is capable of!

3. Eret is Concerned by What People (though only those that matter to him) Think of Her

"I think Respect is a big thing."

In light of her power, we have to remember that Eret regretted pursuing power upon recognizing the loss of respect and friendship that came with the throne. This becomes a much stronger detriment when she realizes that the power she thought she had never actually existed in the first place—one can say she would dread pursuing power for herself again. To subject oneself to the standards of others after all is to subject yourself under constant scrutiny.

In her regrets, she learns and realizes what she wants—to be loved and cared for, to be truly alive with her loved ones. It's why she decides to improve herself, and she works and makes the effort to try! She struggled (and still does) in the process of pursuing forgiveness, illustrating that her determination towards an end is very strong, gradual as it may be.

It's how she looks up to Wilbur! Still! I reckon the two believe they're responsible for the other. Change! What an incredible thing the two are able to do.

4. Eret Knows What He Wants (but is struggling to figure out how to get it)

"That was a long time ago. I've changed things and I know not to break people's trust anymore."

One of Eret’s biggest concerns right now in Season 3 is his relationship with the Crown, mixed and fickle it seems based on his streams during this time. His kingship carries more and more weight each passing day, debating whether forgoing the effort and spilled blood Eret had to get the Crown is worth it. (I mean, he accepted the restoration of his Kingship when George got dethroned.)

The Kingship is still power, and it's become true power after Dream had been put in prison. We know he's admitted being deathly afraid of Dream, so this period of genuine Kingship would be incredibly special to him. Ever since he's been finding ways to make his kingship genuinely meaningful, redefining the evils the Crown used to have by doing good to whomever sincerely, freely, and willingly. He's attempted allyhood with like-minded individuals based on his judgment of their character. Remember his Knights? These consisted of HBomb, Puffy, and Punz, each of which exhibited behaviors (predilection for community, dedication to duty, moral neutrality) he has as well!

But yet, the blood spilled for that Crown still stains him, and it cannot be denied that it will continue to do so for as long as Eret wears the crown. I wonder if he believes this, whether a part of him does deep down. Dream being in jail doesn't just mean freedom to be a king but freedom to quite literally be yourself, whatever it may be.

5. For these reasons, Eret Represents Constant Self-Actualization and Rediscovery

"I'm a strong, independent...whatever the fuck I am."

Given the points established above, Eret is unfamiliar with her full self and wants to shape herself into someone desirable and genuinely contributing kindness to a clearly broken world, a world whose brokenness she also happened to contribute to.

Her enthusiasm for History and the pursuit of enlightenment speaks volumes to this motivation. It's her repeated, dedicated efforts to try and try and try and try, to be better! Not just to be a better person herself but for everyone else to be able to be better too! She's aware that perfection is impossible, but clearly recognizes that constant reevaluation of the self is nonetheless necessary.

It's how she's open to engaging with as many people as possible despite differing opinions and carried baggage. She researches and explores and examines! She does no harm but takes no shit.

Every facet of her, to the terror her eyes have been known to give, to the air of affirmation radiating in her domain of a Pride castle, to the blood that decorates her fingers, to the people she has given support to, to the people she has disadvantaged, to the History she keeps, to the part of herself she no longer remembers, to the power she carries—Eret knows how to be truly alive.

[e-milieeee]

the enemy of my enemy (must be my ally)

Summary: When one of his akumas attacks Adrien and one of his classmates, Gabriel Agreste discovers that Marinette Dupain-Cheng would prove a very useful ally against Ladybug and Chat Noir. 

How had he not discovered sooner? But oh well—better late than never. Ladybug will never know what’s coming. 

Notes: from this post because everyone wanted me to write it. i warned y’all. feat. gabriel’s 2 functional brain cells. 

AO3 | Kofi

Gabriel Agreste isn’t past admitting his mistakes.

Most of them have involved Adrien, so he supposes that it’s time to pay attention to the trend. And all of those mistakes have involved his growing career as Hawkmoth—and, more specifically, the choices he makes for whom he akumatizes.

Lila Rossi, now known as Princess Perfect—seriously, what the hell was wrong with this girl? He’d given her the liberty of choosing her akuma name, but such a godawful name is a bad reflection on him as well—kicks down the door of the classroom.

He sees it all through Lila’s eyes, like he does with all the akumas. Doesn’t mean he’s particularly happy about the turnout of this particular akumatization.

“What are you doing?” Gabriel demands to her. “I want Ladybug and Chat Noir’s Miraculous! You’re going the wrong way.”

Relax. Lila’s voice drifts into his head. I need to take a little detour.

“What detour—” Oh. Oh, shit.

In the classroom, packing their bags, is his son and that Chinese girl with pigtails—Marinette. The one that Gabriel knows Lila Rossi intensely hates. The one that he doesn’t like either, because for some reason, his son is infatuated with her. It’s Marinette-this, Marinette-that these days, and Adrien just won’t stop gushing about her. Father, look at these designs! They’re Marinette’s. Father, look who’s on the news—it’s Marinette! Father, can you hire Marinette to work at Gabriel Brand?

Marinette, a real headache. Gabriel rubs his temples. Maybe it’s a good thing that Lila’s after her. Better to nip it in the bud before Adrien’s attachment becomes a real problem.

“Fine,” he grounds out to Lila. “But leave Ad—leave the blonde boy alone.”

Already ahead of you, Hawkie.

“Don’t call me that!”

She ignores him in favour of turning to the two victims. Adrien is standing in front of Marinette, arms spread in a protective stance, glaring at the akuma. For a couple moments, nobody speaks.

Then, Marinette, eyebrows furrowing, says, “You’re Lila, aren’t you. Seriously? What is this—your third akumatization? Fourth?”

“My name is Princess Perfect now,” Lila growls back. “Get out of my way, Adrien.”

Marinette literally gags. “Did Hawkmoth choose that name for you?”

“No, I didn’t,” Gabriel seethes. Unfortunately, none of them can hear him.

“Yes, he did,” Lila lies breezily. “But that’s not important. You think you’re such a hot shot, Marinette? You think you can take the spotlight from me without repercussions? I’m going to make sure everyone hates you and loves me, and you’ll learn your lesson for trying to cross me. After all, who can say no to Princess Perfect?”

Gabriel sighs through his nose. Are all teens this dramatic?

Apparently, they are. Betrayal comes from those closest to home, because it’s Adrien that holds up his arms even higher, still staring Lila down. “You’re going to have to go through me if you want to hurt her,” he promises. “Marinette, get out of here! Run!”

Oh, for heaven’s sake—

Two things happen at once. Lila darts towards them, her whip lashing out directly at Adrien. Gabriel swears under his breath—why isn’t Adrien moving out of the way? Why is he so intent on protecting that useless girl? “Lila!” he barks through the bond, but the akumatized girl is too far gone. “Touch him and I’ll make sure—”

Gabriel trails into dumbfounded silence when Marinette shoves Adrien aside, grabs the end of Lila’s whip, and tugs the weapon straight out of the girl’s hands.

“You’ve gone too far,” she growls in a tone so chilly that it even reaches him. “Adrien, get out of here! I can handle her.”

Lila’s own shock lasts for a couple of times before she regains some of her composure. “You?” she sneers. “Handle me? Why, you pathetic—”

Adrien chucks a pencil case at Lila. It hits her cheek, and she whirls on him, enraged. At the same time, Marinette darts away from the window and slides behind the large wooden desk at the front. Gabriel, still watching the scene unfold, scoffs. So for all her big talk, she’s still nothing but a coward.

“Stand down,” he commands Lila once more. “Don’t you dare touch Adrien—what the hell?”

Lila seems to have noticed the source of his bewilderment as well, but it’s far too late. From underneath the desk, Marinette has lifted the thing—the giant, wooden desk—onto her shoulders.

Gabriel’s positive he stops breathing.

“Wait—” Lila begins. He sees it all through her eyes: Marinette braces herself for a moment and then throws it—throws the desk that a grown man shouldn’t be able to lift—right at Lila.

She doesn’t stand a chance. Lila goes down in a crash, pinned under the weight of Ms. Bustier’s desk that this small, petite girl had somehow bench-pressed and then chucked.

As much as Lila struggles, she is unable to remove the desk from on top of her. Given that his akumas have enhanced strength and she’s still incapable of lifting it, just how strong is Marinette?

Said girl in question stalks over to Lila. She plants a foot firmly against the overturned side of the desk and looks down at the girl trapped underneath.

Gabriel is certain that somehow, impossible as it sounds, Marinette is staring right through Lila’s eyes, through their connection, and into his own. His body freezes. His jaw locks. And for the first time in a very, very long time, Gabriel Agreste is absolutely terrified.

“Next time you try something like this,” Marinette growls, leaning in, “I won’t let you off so easily.”

With that ominous note, she snatches the necklace off Lila’s neck and marches right out of the classroom.

Gabriel remains frozen for a couple more moments. He isn’t certain if he still remembers how to breathe.

It wasn’t Ladybug nor Chat Noir that had foiled this plan. No, it was Adrien Agreste’s classmate, a girl who had previously annoyed him, that had single handedly defeated an akuma and scared him absolutely shitless.

What. The. Fuck.

***

“Adrien,” Gabriel says over dinner. “You know that girl you always talk about? Marinette Dupain-Cheng?”

His son looks up from his meal with a bright look on his face. Once upon a time, Gabriel would’ve been annoyed. Now, after reevaluating the girl, he comes to the conclusion that it’s best Adrien stays on Marinette’s good side. She’s probably more than capable of beating his son up.

“Yeah, Marinette?” Adrien echoes. “You know how there was an akuma attack today? Well, Marinette was actually there in the classroom with me when the akuma came for us.”

Gabriel is forced to play ignorant. “Oh? What happened?”

“Well, the akuma tried to attack us, and Marinette picked up a desk—you might find it hard to believe, and honestly I would’ve too if I hadn’t seen her do it—and threw it at the akuma. When Ladybug and Chat Noir finally showed up, there wasn’t even anything for them to do.”

Gabriel shifts in his seat. “That is… rather unbelievable."

Except he swears he can still feel the heat of Marinette’s glare, and is forced to accept that this is the reality he’s living in.

“Why did you ask about her, though, father?”

He snaps back into the present. “Huh?”

“Marinette—why did you ask about her? Wait, father, are you reconsidering hiring her? Did you finally look at the designs I sent you? This is amazing. I’m sure she’ll do amazing. Your stocks will rise. You’ll get more customers. Marinette’s basically a walking lucky charm—this will be the best decision you’ve ever made, father. I promise.”

He frowns at Adrien. “Don’t make preposterous suggestions. But yes— I am considering giving Marinette Dupain-Cheng a job at the company, perhaps an internship one of the senior designers. She’s very… talented.”

He thinks of the way she’d lifted the desk and flung it at Lila. Talented, indeed.

Perhaps talented enough to finally give him an edge against Ladybug and Chat Noir.

***

Marinette Dupain-Cheng is more than eager to come in for a so-called interview. Nathalie has done her digging on the girl: she’s made it pretty big quite a couple times already, in the fashion industry and has quite a few connections. Even if Gabriel’s motivations aren’t technically for the company, he has to admit that she has much future potential to tap into in the future. But for now, that’s not his goal.

She’s impeccably dressed when Nathalie leads her inside his study. Her eyes are positively shining when she beams at Gabriel. “Mr. Agreste!” Marinette chirps. “I’m so happy to be here. When Adrien told me you wanted to interview me for the job…this is such an amazing opportunity to be presented with, and I am so honoured.”

Gabriel exchanges a glance with Nathalie. She nods subtly.

“It’s my pleasure to meet you, Ms. Dupain-Cheng.” He rises from his desk and holds out his hand for her to shake. She does so.

It takes all of Gabriel’s self-control not to show the pain on his face when she grips his hand.

How the fuck is this girl so strong?

Thankfully, Marinette doesn’t seem to notice anything wrong. Gabriel draws back his hand and tucks it behind his back. It’s throbbing.

“So, Marinette.” He sits back down at his desk. Marinette is practically bouncing on the balls of her feet. If she were any normal person, Gabriel might’ve snapped at her to settle down, but after that show with Lila yesterday, he decides that it’s for his own good not to get on her bad side. He’ll just have to channel all his patience—for self-preservation, really. “I understand that you’re interested in interning at my company?”

She nods excitedly. “I’ve been designing for years, Mr. Agreste—I’m aware that I have a lot to improve on—”

“What I have in mind for you—” Gabriel pauses, realizing that he’d interrupted her. Hurriedly, he gulps. “Never mind. Continue.”

“I’m aware that I have a lot to improve on but I’m a very quick learner! I promise I’ll do my very best to help you and your company.”

He nods. “That’s good to hear. For now, I’ll… I’ll arrange with Nathalie what we can assign you to do in the company. And I have another favour to ask of you, if it’s not too much.”

Marinette smiles. “Whatever it is, I’ll do my best to help you!”

Nathalie had warned him to be careful with Marinette—one wrong move and he could be ousted as Hawkmoth. He takes a deep breath. “I have become aware that there are some bad influences around my son in school. You are friends with Adrien, yes?”

“Yes, and… bad influences?” Marinette frowns, shifting her weight. “Oh, yeah, there’s one in particular. Actually, I’m not sure if you’re aware, Mr. Agreste, but I’m glad you brought it up. You know that akuma yesterday? That girl’s name was Lila Rossi. She’s been hanging around Adrien quite a bit these days, and ‘bad influence’ barely covers what she does. And—oh! When I confronted her once about making Adrien uncomfortable, she told me she had a ‘friend in a high place’ that was backing her up. I think you might want to look into that too, Mr. Agreste. It was pretty worrisome, to be honest.”

Gabriel’s mouth has gone dry. “I… yes. Yes, I shall look into that too.”

Marinette rolls her shoulders. “God, if I knew who they were, I’d throw them into the Seine. How dare they.” Then her eyes widen. “Sorry, Mr. Agreste! I was just… um, I was just talking to myself. I’m so sorry.”

“It’s perfectly alright,” Gabriel reassures immediately, although it doesn’t do much to ease the chill that is travelling up his spine. “Then it’s decided? Nathalie will give you her contact information—you can send her your resume just for formalities, and she will organize the rest. And… be sure to keep an eye on my son at school.”

“I will!” Marinette chirps, ever so chipper. Behind that attitude lies the strength to lift the desk he’s currently sitting and crush him. And much, much more.

Nathalie guides the girl away. Gabriel is unable to breathe fully until she leaves.

He has to calculate this well, because he can’t afford to lose a potential ally like Marinette Dupain-Cheng. He’s already thinking—perhaps she would do well with the Peacock Miraculous, or the Bee Miraculous, if he can get his hands on it again. If—if he can somehow convince Marinette to help him with his cause, all of his other plans don’t even need to go into action. Ladybug and Chat Noir will never see this coming.

Nathalie returns. “Sir, your face is rather pale,” she notes. “But may I ask what that was about? You were… unusually lenient today.”

Gabriel clears his throat and straightens in his seat. “Never mind me,” he dismisses. “But first, I need to contact Lila Rossi as soon as possible to cut off all ties. Let her know she’s fired.”

“Is this because…?”

He allows himself a small smile. “You’ll see soon, Nathalie,” he reassures. “We’ve finally got the upperhand in this fight.”

Notes: i lost brain cells writing it, and i’m sure y’all have lost brain cells reading it. 

Fics masterlist here! 

[omegaandchaos]

Been watching cutscenes of Before Crisis because I wanted to know more on The Turks backstory and how Rufus fits into it as what I’ve read about it is quite vague in parts. Here’s some things that I’ve picked up and some of it is just how I’ve interpreted it or speculation. I haven’t really mentioned much about Veld (Verdot) story line involving his daughter Elfe cause it’s really long.

The Turks technically don’t kidnap Rufus, Rufus is in Turks HQ because the president ordered Tseng to keep him there. But when the president orders Tseng to find and kill Veld, Tseng and the Turks disobey the order and instead help Veld. Scarlet finds out and tells the President to get rid of the Turks for their betrayal and the President agrees but then remembers that they have Rufus so decided to be cautious in case the Turks use Rufus against him. The President and The Turks are the only people who know that Rufus is being held in Turks HQ everyone else is told he is on an extended business trip elsewhere. This ends up protecting the Turks for a while because the President doesn’t want any of the other executives to know the truth about Rufus’ whereabouts. So The Turks didn’t use Rufus on purpose he just happened to be stuck with them whilst all this was going on meanwhile, informing Tseng that they were idiots and were going to get themselves killed. The President does eventually decide to order Scarlet to capture Veld so he can trade Veld to the Turks for Rufus but with every intention of killing both Veld and the Turks. The funny thing is that all of this is seemingly going on in the same building which shows how much power The Turks have and that the President is hesitant to do anything because he doesn’t want people to know what he did to Rufus. Rufus meanwhile is trying to help The Turks , I believe because he likes them by this point but also because it’s another chance to get back at his father. It’s ironic because the President put Rufus in that position and now Rufus has managed to use it to his own advantage.

Rufus funds Avalanche and gives them information in the beginning, he uses them to ruin his fathers plans often to make him look stupid but also he plans for Avalanche to kill the President. Rufus even meets with Avalanche members in person. Rufus is aware that Veld suspects him and admits it was difficult for him to get away though I get the impression he was never all that bothered about being found out. When Avalanche eventually turn on him in Corel and tell him they don’t need his money any more, Rufus has no choice but to go back with the Turks and accept his arrest. The Turks, despite Rufus trying to kill them, are still prepared to protect Rufus and save his life at all costs as the building is about to blow up.

When Reeve comes to Turks HQ to help the Turks with Veld and gives them Cait Sith. Rufus listens in on their conversations whilst staying hidden so that Reeve doesn’t know he is there. When he leaves Tseng and Rufus both discuss and agree that Reeve can be useful. So Rufus is aware that Reeve has also betrayed The President and also about Cait Sith which impresses Rufus.

Before Rufus is captured by the Turks and returned to Midgar, he pretty much orders Avalanche to kill the Turks when they discover that it was Rufus helping them all along. Then after spending years in house arrest with the them, when the Turks betray the Presidents orders, Rufus realised that it is going to get them killed so steps in, covers for them and spares them from being killed.

Before his lockdown, Rufus constantly tries to undermine his father in board meetings, pointing out his failures and often argues against all his decisions particularly with the Space programme that does become a big failure though Rufus did sabotage it using Avalanche. This does however gain some respect from Reeve and from Heidegger who both consider that Rufus is ready to take over and will be a great leader.

I got the impression Rufus quite likes/respects Cid even though he doesn’t believe in Cid’s dreams of going to Space, Rufus does try to stop the rocket launch because he knows it will kill Cid.

When Tseng is in HQ after Rufus has been put on house arrest there, Rufus often watches Tseng, listening into his phone conversations with the other Turks and constantly gives Tseng his opinion on what’s going on and pretty much insults them often ‘sounds like that Turk is running wild again’. It’s interesting that the President put Rufus there as Rufus is able to use this to his advantage to keep track of everything going in Shinra and sometimes might even influence Tseng’s decisions. Rufus is also allowed full access to the Shinra network, supposedly The President gave permission for this, Rufus finds it amusing that his Father has allowed him this and it means Rufus can still keeps tabs and even carry on communicating with Avalanche which Rufus uses to help The Turks of his own free will. Rufus even gives intel to Tseng to save The Turks from Scarlet and tries to help him anyway he can.

This one is more of a headcanon than an observation but I can understand now why Tseng became loyal to Rufus after years of having the VP question his every move and give his opinion on everything I can see Tseng start to realise that Rufus is extremely smart and tactical and they form a bond. Rufus starts agreeing with Tseng more and more over time and they realise that they work well together. Also I always thought the idea of The Turks babysitting Rufus was a bit of a joke but actually it was clear that only the Turks were allowed to know that Rufus was being held there but were also told to keep him comfortable so they pretty much were his babysitters and probably had to do ridiculous errands for him.

Tseng was told to keep Rufus in HQ and Tseng either lets Rufus have free reign of the area or more likely Rufus just does as he pleases, as Tseng doesn’t seem to be bothered that Rufus is just listening in to everything and just letting himself into Tseng’s office. It does make me wonder what would happen if Rufus decided to just leave HQ, there must have to be a Turk watching him at all times. Tseng’s only orders are to keep Rufus in HQ so what happens inside HQ stays in HQ. However I also noticed that when Tseng and the other agent are talking to Rufus about Avalanche, Rufus is locked up again and the other agent seems to assume that Rufus never leaves his confined area so it would seem Tseng purposefully lets Rufus out when it’s just the two of them. As Chief, Tseng seems to stay at HQ the most keeping tabs on the other agents missions and giving orders so it really is mostly just him and Rufus alone most of the time. Tseng only really gets involved with missions if there’s a fuck up or an agent is in trouble.

I also imagine Rufus must have his own private gym and kitchen in his confined area, you don’t see much of it but it looks like it’s big and Tseng makes it clear that the layout is as per the Presidents instructions.

You never see SOLDIER females but there is mention of a SOLDIER female candidate. I think they mostly recruit males as when the Turks look and literally kidnap candidates against their free will they seems to just pick strong looking men/thugs. Most cadidates don’t make the cut and I reckon most probably don’t survive the mako bath that they are forced into and I reckon men probably react better to the mako baths than women. But that is my pure speculation I haven’t read anything else about it and let’s face it a lot of the women in FF7 are strong and can kick the guys asses.

When Veld is being held prisoner by the President, The Turks get their network access revoked, Rufus manages to hack into their system using his access to help them find Veld, at first the Turks don’t know who is accessing their computers but Tseng strongly suspects that it is Rufus and so isn’t surprised when he finds out that it was. So Rufus has very good computer skills but he also has a high security level of access which he uses to help The Turks but not for free. Rufus asks Reno and Rude to leave as he wants to speak to Tseng alone and says that he will tell him where Veld is being held but he wants something in return. You don’t really find out what Rufus asks for but I assume it was probably something along the lines of Tseng’s loyalty (or undying love) as Tseng even now is still unsure whether he can trust Rufus. Turns out Rufus’ intel was correct.

When the Turks have finally all left HQ to go find Veld, the President used this opportunity release Rufus from confinement, he then takes him back to the executive floor and comments that ‘it’s been a while’ and that Rufus now looks stronger. Despite Rufus being held in the same building, The President never visited his son as he didn’t want anyone to know he was there. I guess Rufus probably spent a lot of time working out also.

There’s a back story about Tseng’s feelings towards his duty being a Turk. Tseng often struggles with putting his personal feelings before a mission this happens a few times throughout Before Crisis, particularly involving Zack and Veld. I would also say this applies to Aerith as well as he seems to avoid capturing her a lot. This kind of makes me confused with his reaction to the Sector 7 plate fall but my head canon is that Tseng knew that he would be putting his personal feelings with Rufus before his duty to the President so he decided to play along so that the Turks would not be suspected of Treason. Once on a mission he was sent to rescue a Shinra guard that had been kidnapped and tortured, however when he found the guard the guard told him that the ship contained Shinra weapons that were being stolen. Tseng had to choose between the life of the guard and the weapons. He decided to choose the guard because that was his original mission and he would feel guilty if he died. However Tseng was told he chose wrongly as now the weapons were in enemy hands and Tseng’s duty should always be to serve Shinras best interests instead of his own feelings and guilt. Veld covers for Tseng but tells him he needs to take responsibility for his actions, he also tells Tseng to always put the mission first, this is the way of the Turks, and not to try and save him. Tseng really respects Veld and comments that he wants to be just like him. Veld then gets badly injured and Tseng blames himself and vows always do whatever he can for the sake of the Turks (changing loyalty to Rufus also gives the Turks a future). Of course when Veld later gets captured he chooses Velds life over his duty to Shinra until he finds a way to save the Turks by pretending to kill Veld. He also tries to intervene with Zacks re-capture and doesn’t want to help Hojo in Nibelhiem despite his orders.

When Heidegger is briefly put in charge of The Turks, all of the Turks show their disdain towards him and whenever asked what his strategy is Heidegger will often just hang up the phone.

Elena says she hates the Turks and doesn’t want to join them though this has more to do with her resentment towards her sister for choosing the Turks over their family.

This picture is from the Turks HQ (in the basement) and basically Rufus was being held in a room on the same level as here for four years (no daylight how cruel) although it’s possible Turks HQ was moved since they lost a lot of their comrades and lost favour with The President. Only The Turks and The President have access to the area though maybe Heidegger would but he seemingly never went there. Rufus is released from confinement around the time that Zack and Cloud are on the run from Nibelheim. He is only released because The President fears The Turks will use Rufus against him. Rufus tells his father that he did resent him at first but says he is now grateful because he sees things in a new light. Secretly he just means that he is now more prepared to take over Shinra because he has Tseng and the Turks loyalty. When Tseng thanks Rufus for stopping The President from terminating them, Rufus tells Tseng that he didn’t do it for them and that if they want to show their gratitude they could show it through their work. Tseng then acknowledges that The Turks are facing a new era and will continue to carry out their duty with pride. The game ends as Avalanche are breaking into Reactor 1.

[utterlyinevitable]

The Conference (Part 5)

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4

Paring: Dr. Ethan Ramsey x F!MC (Dr. Rebecca Lao) Word Count: 2.9k Rating: T+ Warning: Some cursing  Summary: Rebecca reminisces about the night she finally pushed Ethan away. 

Author’s Note: ngl the last part with the ryan arc was 100% self indulgent. it was also the first thing i wrote and built the series around. have ya ever had a friend/lover/someone you never got a proper goodbye with and carried with you everything you wish you’d said? yeah. that’s what that was. it also is the perfect contrast to mc x ethan’s relationship.

Taglist: @ohchoices @dulceghernandez @aylamwrites @binny1985 @ramseysno1rookie @interobanginyourmom @queencarb @imactuallytheceoofthecompany @rookiefromedenbrook @eramsey28 @choicesficwriterscreations @heauxplesslydevoted @schnitzelbutterfingers @purpledragonturtles @ramseyandrys​ @ermidc @mrsdrakewalkerblog

________________________________________

I finally walked into the foreign and dimly lit tavern after wasting the beginning hours of my day off scrolling through Bumble, scouring the app for a good distraction. Eventually I found one - a legal assistant named Cameron. He was cute and his choice of profession gave me the feeling he could carry an intelligent conversation with minimal sexual advances. His tone was friendly enough and a little awkward at times but harmless. We messaged back and forth for like an hour and a half before agreeing to a date across town. 

I made sure to put on my best face, watching youtube tutorials for the perfect date night eye to accompany my black cap sleeved maxi dress - you know that one with the high slit. A little bit of sultry but not enough to give him the assumption he could take me home. 

I’d never been to The Happenstance tavern before. Hell, I barely had any time to explore parts of the city that weren’t directly surrounding Edenbrook. I was pumped with adrenaline for my first actual date in god knows how long. Thus for once in my life I was fifteen minutes early and decided to sit at the bar to calm my nerves. 

I’m meeting a stranger I’ve had half a conversation with an hour ago! In a part of the city I’ve never been to! What am I doing!? 

I didn’t even have a chance to flag down the bartender before my name was called over my shoulder. 

“Rebecca,” my name fell expertly off his lips and I turned towards the velvety voice fully thinking my date was nervous enough to arrive early too.

There he was, only a footfall away. My eyes quickly and involuntarily trailed over him. His slate gray slimming slacks elongating his legs and outlining the curvature of his manhood, a navy blue polo tucked in with the two top buttons undone and form fitting to hide the taut muscles underneath but accentuating the uncertain look in his eyes. 

The hair stood at the back of my neck and I swear goosebumps coated my skin. 

Nope. No. Nope!

Immediately I turned right back around on my stool. 

Not happening! 

“What are you doing here?” he asked, taking the empty seat and motioning to the bartender for two more of whatever he had earlier. 

I had been ignoring Ethan, as best I could given our close workplace dynamic. We’d only talk about patients and pertinent information to the caseload. No hello’s, how are yous or see you tomorrows. Nope. Those little accolades were reserved for friends - someone you actually give a damn about. 

It had been nearly twelve weeks since we spent that last night of heated passion in my apartment; 12 weeks since I thought it was the start of something new, the start of us. As surely as he promised me we would make a future work, he took it all right back. Running all the way to the fucking Amazon. But I forgave him the moment he came back and our eyes locked in the beer garden of Donohue’s. I trusted him above all else - his reason for leaving was probably justified. Oh how wrong I was. I kissed him and he - he did nothing. He reset us without my knowledge. He made the executive decision for my heart. 

That was the final straw. 

He couldn’t keep toying with me and my emotions. No. No more push and pull. That’s not a lover that’s… that’s... I’m not quite sure what that was but it certainly isn’t the actions of a respected partner. He knew where I stood and I needed to take my own stand - to continue living my life as if I never experienced him. 

I chose to push him away. 

To move on from chasing the notion of wholly and completely loving The Ethan Ramsey. Finally. 

“If you must know, I have a date,” I said with the most nonchalant malice I could muster.  

There was a thick and uncomfortable silence taking up the small foot of space between our seats. 

I was staring dead ahead at the bottles meticulously placed behind the bar but out the corner of my eye I could see Ethan’s eyes fell from me to the two tumblers now sitting in front of us. 

I reached out for my drink, letting the cold glass soothe my boiling blood. “At least someone wants to date me.” I muttered it mostly to myself, but secretly hoping the words would hit him where it hurts the most. 

Take the hint and leave, Ethan.  

His voice was even and the words melted off his tongue like butter, “It has nothing to do with want, you know that.” It was a truth he came to know. 

My eyes now fixated on the decorative mirror behind the bar as I took a drag of the scotch, hoping to take a peek at how my words affected him. With a thick roll of my eyes I shrugged, “Want, can’t, what’s the difference?” 

“The difference is your professional development and our jobs,” his voice was straight as he repeated his same rationale over and over again. “Once you’re an attending -” 

That’s a new additive. What -? 

The last words took me by surprise. He’d never added them into the mix of rejections before - he never added a glimmer of hope into the mix before… 

Don’t let him suck you back in, Bec. 

I shook my head dismissively to myself. “You’ll find other excuses to push me away.” I brought the liquid to my lips as I took a moment to let myself turn enough to see his full body language. He was at the edge of his seat, body angled towards me, one arm leaning on the bar and the other tightly gripping his thigh, his scotch untouched and forgotten. An onlooker would assume he was a casual man but to me he looked distraught; the careful ridges in his daily features had fallen.  

Good. 

My glass hovered just above my lips and I could feel the heat from Ethan’s gaze boring into my cheek. With a little bit of courage and a sly smirk I added, “Either way you’ve made your choice and I'm moving on, don’t worry.”  

I checked the time on my phone, downed the rest of the scotch in my glass and slipped off the stool gathering my things into my bag, preparing to head to the back where I agreed to meet Cameron at a reserved table.  

My feet fled all of two steps before there was pressure on my forearm grounding me back towards the bar. I whipped around to finally see him face to face, my heels bringing me to his level. 

We were close. Much too close. In the simplest of movements his body could be flush against mine. 

Stop, Rebecca, don't go there. Don’t think about it - don’t think about his lips or… 

I was acutely aware of his firm yet gentle hold. His shoulders once stiff and rigid fell with vulnerability. His soft and supple lips were parted and begging to be bitten.

Pull yourself together, woman! 

 “Rookie,” his grip on the back of my arm tightened, lighting every nerve in my body on fire. “Rebecca,” he breathed, “Please.” Ethan’s stormy blue eyes were pleading, conveying all he wished he had the strength to say.  

I tried to coax it out of him, “Say it.”

“I -”

Even now. Even with me visibly moving to put us in the past like he instructed and the shattered heart he must have had, he doesn’t have the balls to tell me. 

If he can’t say it he can’t have me.  

“Say it and I’ll stop,” I taunted. “I’ll squash this right now.”

Our eyes locked in showdown. Enraged brown overtaking conflicted icy blue. Standing my ground with a tightened jaw I internally gave him just three seconds before I pulled away once and for all. 

Three... 

His grip on my arm loosened. 

Two... 

His eyes squeezed closed and he shook his head.  

O- 

I was being pulled towards the exit by my hand. 

“Lets go,” Ethan said gruffly as he laced out fingers together in a tight hold.   

My heart fluttered, Good enough.

I wish I was stronger. God, do I wish I was strong enough to pull away from the black hole that is Ethan Ramsey but I couldn’t. His gravitational pull was too strong. I was and will forever be sucked in. I had a probably perfectly nice boy waiting for me in the other room with a promise of mutual affection. And what did I do? 

I got into Ethan’s car. 

On the drive we sat in silence, Ethan’s hand never freeing mine except to start the car. The purple and pink evening Boston sky passed by the window. I smiled at the people out the window who were still going about their day and, for the first time in months, I was content. Content with my feelings that never seemed to fade away no matter how hard I tried. Content that he feels the same way. Content that this is an actionable promise that we can be something. 

I noticed Edenbrook pass in the distance. My eyebrows furrowed as I realized we were getting further from his apartment complex. The other all-too-familiar street now coming into view.

“Ethan, what the fuck. You’re taking me home?” 

He said nothing.

“I thought…” I trailed off, mentally chastising myself for thinking he’d actually give in and let ourselves be happy. I huffed, “So I can’t have fun and I can’t have you. That seems fair…” I tried to free my hand but he held onto me tighter.  

A few moments of time passed in the dead silence of his car. Ethan was focused on the road ahead and I was trapped in limbo. Again.  

“Are you gonna say anything?” I bit, clearly needing an explanation for this round of betrayal.   

He opened his mouth slightly but nothing came out. My unencumbered rage started bubbling over like an active volcano. 

WHAT THE FUCK!!!

“Let me out, Ethan.” I said sternly and yanked my hand out of his. His hand now left palm up on the center console as he kept driving. 

And he wasn’t slowing down. 

I rose my voice through gritted teeth, “Let me out of the fucking car right now.” 

Still the side streets passed behind us at a steady pace. Surely he was ignoring me. 

My red hot anger reached my ears when I yelled, “Doctor! Ramsey!” 

Ethan jumped bringing both hands securely on the steering wheel. Within thirty seconds he pulled the car over. Panic set in and I needed to use all my strength to control my breathing. 

Not again. He’s not doing this to me again.  

As soon as the car stopped at the curb I unbuckled my seat-belt.

Still staring out the windshield and white knuckles gripping the wheel he begged, “Please let me get you home safely.” 

I scoffed, “I can take care of myself.” 

What the fuck does he want from me? 

He pinched the bridge of his nose as he sighed, “I know.”

I looked over at him completely dumbfounded. If we weren’t going to be anything he should just let me move the hell on.  

“I’m not your responsibility,” I said honestly through my rage as I moved to get out of the car. “I know deep down you want to help but you’re not. You’re making things worse.” I looked over at him. His fingers left his nose and he started to sit up straighter at my words. “You - You…” 

I wanted to tell him he’s broken my heart over and over again. I wanted to tell him how much I missed him and that if he just promised me we’d give us a proper try I’d forgive him. But I didn’t, because saying those words out loud wouldn’t change a thing. Everything with Ethan was inevitably complicated. 

He looked over at me for the first time since the tavern. The whites of his eyes were starting to go red and my chest began to ache at the sight. He shakily asked, “I… what?” 

Why do you keep doing this to yourself? 

“Nothing. It doesn’t matter.” Furiously I pulled the door handle and jumped out of the car as best as my dress would allow. The air in the car was suffocating. 

Behind me I heard the car shut off and a loud slam of the door. There were two beeps alerting me that Ethan did indeed leave his car in the no parking zone. Heavy footfalls caught up to me on the sidewalk accompanied by the uneven huffs of breath from the brisk jog. 

“Let me walk with you. Please.” 

We were only a 10 minutes walk away from my place. As mad as I was at Ethan for the false pretenses, I was angrier at myself for falling for it. For letting him have me unconditionally. The thought of going through this same old cycle with him again and again made me nauseous.  

I can’t do this anymore. 

“Stop,” we both ceased our movements at my definitive tone. Turning to Ethan I saw the storm brewing within. Frankly, I didn’t give a damn. “You’re not listening to me.” 

His eyes widened like that of a scolded child. 

My next words were frank and to the point, “I cannot do this anymore. You cannot turn up and pretend you care when it’s convenient for you.”  

“I do -”  

“No.” I shook my head. “You’re self-serving,” the words fell quickly off my expert lips. “Choose me or lose me, Ramsey. You don’t get both.” 

I paused my rant for a brief second expecting the rebuttal that never came. 

“I’m confused enough as it is,” I continued. “Jus - Just get back in your car and find me when you figure your shit out.” I bit my lip before harshly saying, “I’ll be fine without you.”  

There on the narrow street on a Tuesday evening in Boston my chest tightened as I took one final look at the man I once trusted above all else. His hair windswept, cheeks flush, shoulders slumped in defeat and...

His hand twitched at his side beginning to reach out for mine. But I was quicker on my heels, turning around and storming off.

The last thing I heard as I sauntered off with a heavy heart was the unlocking of a car.  

“Hey, I thought you had a date tonight?” Sienna asked from the kitchen when she saw me cross the threshold of our apartment. 

“It didn’t happen,” I said flatly.   

“Oh no!” My dearest friend started moving around the kitchen, pulling out all the comfort food we had on tap - a pint of ice cream, cookies she had made earlier that evening, a bag of popcorn - all because she thought I was stood up. 

“I…” Fuck, how do I tell her? “didn’t make it.”  

Sienna stopped in her tracks and her light brown eyes looked up in confusion, “Huh?”  

I shouldn’t feel guilty but I do. Sienna’s the only person who would understand, she did catch him sneaking out of my room that last morning. She’s also the only person whose opinion matters most to me. My stomach tied in knots as I sighed, “Ethan…” 

“What!” she practically shouted. Luckily the others were in their rooms for the night otherwise it would have been a very awkward conversation between us. Having to tell Aurora about Ethan is another certain kind of hell I’d rather not deal with any time soon.   

“He was at the bar,” I began to explain in complete exasperation. “Of course he was at the bar, of all the bars in Boston he had to choose this one tonight.” I threw my hands in the air for dramatic effect. The irony isn’t lost on me; I agreed to The Happenstance because I knew I wouldn’t run into anyone I know and yet the one person I absolutely never would have wanted to see was already there. “He stopped me before I could meet the guy.”  

There was a hopeful gleam in Sienna’s eyes, “And?”  

“And he had the audacity to drive me home.” I made a ‘here I am’ motion with my arms. 

“That’s it?” she pouted, obviously wanting this story to have a happy ending.  

I leaned my arms on the counter and rested my head in my hands, trying to rub the evening out of my eyes and the weight of what I’d said finally sinking in. 

“I told him to leave me alone until he got his shit straight. I’m done with him,” my voice cracked at the end and I hoped Sienna didn’t hear it.  

If she did, she didn’t let on because her next question was, “Then… why don’t you call that guy and tell him something came up at the hospital?” 

Why wasn’t I going to call Cameron? Well for starters I was embarrassed for standing him up - no fake medical emergency could blow that over. I also never wanted to set foot in another bar again - Ethan can set claim to every bar in the state for all I care. I don’t want to see him outside of work ever again. 

If you don’t want anything to do with him why do you feel so guilty?  

With a weighted sigh I said, “I think I’m just gonna go to bed.” 

And that’s the story of how I pushed the man I loved away.

___________________

A/N: becca is literally the most unreliable narrator, she’s so problematic 😔 also sorry for this chapter, it’s not the best thing i’ve written :/ fun fact: this scene started out as a one shot called ‘good enough’ 

comment/reblog bc i need the validation

[captainjimothycarter]

For prompts: We dated in high school but then you moved away but now you’re back in town

i’m sorry i got carried away.

--

There was something familiar about the woman waiting in line. Something Steve couldn’t quite make out. Maybe it was the curve of her body or those almond-shaped eyes that are tugging on a memory long tucked away. No, it’s defiantly those eyes. He knew those eyes anywhere.

They were the same shade of dark brown, with flecks of hazel and honey swirling in them. He knew how they looked when the sunlight would hit them, how they looked when she was furious when she was upset when she was beyond happy. He knew every emotion that she’d been able to give without saying a word through those eyes.

He’d loved those eyes. They filled his sketchbooks, even now two years after high school. He still loved her.

As the crowd cleared with their baked goods and hot coffee, Steve was finally able to draw himself up to full 6’0 height and smile down at her.

Her. Peggy.

Oh. She wasn’t alone.

His smile faltered at the sight of a little blonde boy clinging to the backside of her leg. He looked to be almost two years old, if Steve had to put an age to him. He looked just like Peggy with her nose and dimples. He had the brightest pair of blue eyes.

“Hello there,” he breathed to the shy, little boy, giving a wave of his hand that only caused the boy’s face to flush and hide. He turned to look up at the boy’s mother, his heart lurching in his throat. “And hello to you.”

Peggy’s laugh is just as he remembered, bright, and full of life. She reached over the counter to hug Steve, pressing a fond kiss to his cheek. “Hello to you.” She looked nervous as she dipped down to pick the boy up and put him on her hip. “You look amazing, Steven. This place…told you it would pick up.”

She knew Steve had a desire to work in his ma’s bakery after he graduated. He had an amazing hand when it came to decorating cakes and cupcakes. He loved to experiment and made beautiful baklava and cinnamon rolls that still lingered on her mind with a taste for them.

“Yeah,” Steve chuckled, rubbing the back of his neck and looking around at the busy place. He could hear his ma in the back, Bucky was out delivering their daily orders. Sam had just left after opening for them. “Yeah, you’re always right. Who's this?”

He felt too awkward. They’d dated in high school until she left just after graduation to return home in order to help her mother with taking care of her brother who’d suffered a career-ending injury with the military. He loved Peggy. He just never got to tell her that and seeing her here before him, it made him want to gush but become aware she had a child now, it seems. She was most likely married or at least dating, knowing her.

“Michael,” the little one said proudly, curling his h’s the way Peggy did when she was excited. “My name’s Michael and I’m two.” He held up three fingers, making Steve laugh. “And mummy and I just moved here cause she said she missed News Yorky.”

Oh God, that was adorable. Steve found himself smitten with the little boy.

“You’ve had a son?” He turned his eyes to Peggy, nodding his head at Michael, not really good with kids.

Peggy looked almost nervous as she held the little boy close to her chest, eyes fluttering towards the door. “Can we…talk?”

--

Michael sat in the little corner Steve had designed and painted for kids to enjoy themselves while their parents drank coffee and talked. He could hear the little boy humming loudly and playing with the art supplies. He turned to look at him and back to Peggy who’d nervously wrapped her hands around the blue coffee mug.

“When I left, I was distraught. Saying goodbye to you was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I was broken up about having to say goodbye to you and my brother. I didn’t know his condition. I didn’t know what happened and no one would tell me a thing until I got home because of the secrecy of the matter.”

Steve’s broad hand slowly laid over her own, rubbing the pad of his thumb against her wrist. “You did what you had to do, I don’t blame you. I only wish we stayed in contact.”

“I do too. I got so busy with Micheal and my mother and my career, I-I…” She sighed and closed her eyes, her fingertips curling around the mug to the point Steve thought she was going to break it. “At the time, I thought it was stress…missing my cycle, the sickness. Having to see your brother like that, I-I…”

Steve frowned as she stuttered. This was hard for her, but this was Peggy. Strong, confident Peggy. He unwrapped her hands and took both of them into his own. “Peggy,” he’d never sounded so serious before. “Were you…hurt?”

Her eyes snapped to his and she frowned, opening and closing her mouth. “What? No, Steven, I was pregnant!”

His hands dropped hers and he sat back, staring at her.

Oh.

Oh.

“He’s…mine?”

Peggy didn’t need to say yes. He knew. Steve knew in his heart that she wouldn’t lie about this. No one should. And he could see it in the way Michael held the pencil with his right hand, the way he looked when he was concentrating on scribbling on the paper.

“Why didn’t you call?!” Steve furiously whispered, turning to look back at her. She almost looked close to tears, but he couldn’t help the betrayal he felt. The hurt. “Why didn’t you tell me?! An email. A text. Fuck, Pegs, even a letter!”

She sat there, looking impossibly small. Blinking harshly and Steve’s throat was tightening. He could feel his heart-shattering. When she didn’t reply, he continued, “I would’ve been there for you! I would’ve been by your side through it all! I would’ve supported you! Done everything I could! I would’ve moved there to be with you. I love you and you couldn’t even tell me that you were pregnant with my child?!”

If Peggy had an answer, Steve didn’t hear it. He was storming into the back of the bakery to clear his head. He needed to think. He felt incredibly guilty for yelling at Peggy but he was right in these feelings. He was betrayed. He was hurting. He had a goddamn child that he didn’t know of, who grew up so far not knowing him, and thought of him as a stranger and why?

Why hadn’t she told him? Did she not feel the same way? Was he that horrible of a boyfriend in high school that she didn’t trust him? Was she ashamed that her boyfriend had been American? The father of her son was some Yank?

A string of curses in Galiec left his lips as he rolled a piece of fondant out on the table, his hands shaking. What had he done so wrong that he’d not been allowed to be there for the birth of his son?

--

“Youse can’t say those words. Bad words. Stave?

The soft voice caused Steve to look up from where he was still bending over the metal table. He could feel the tears running down his cheeks, trying to dry his face off. For half a second, he thought it was Peggy but no…no, it was her son.

His son.

Back in this kitchen, where he wasn’t allowed.

Had Peggy taught him Gaelic? It was important to him, to cling to that part of his identity that his mother had taught him. That he loved his heritage and wanted to share it. She taught him that?

“Hey, buddy, whatcha doing back here? You can’t be back here.” He knelt down to look at the kid, seeing now how Michael had his freckles and his hair. Oh and that smile, that was his ma’s smile right there.

The boy thrusts a drawing at Steve’s chest with a bright smile. It was what he’d assume was the outside of his bakery, with its pretty fairy lights and potted plants. “I made dis. For you! Cause you’se got a pretty place and yummy cupcakes.”

His lips twitched into a smile as he rubbed his fingertips over the crayon. “It’s beautiful, buddy. Tell you what, I’ll put it up on the counter for everyone to see. Here, let’s get you back to your ma.” He picked up a sugar cookie, still warm, and passed it to the boy in trade for the paper.

Steve was a little stunned to see Peggy talking to his mother. His mother loved Peggy and said she was the daughter she never had. Her leaving had hurt his ma just as much as it had him. He was a little more stunned at seeing the sun setting. How long had he been back there crying and cursing?

“Look, mummy! Look!” Michael waved the multi-colored cookie at Peggy as he ran over to her, climbing into her lap.

“I see, Michael. Did you thank Steve?” The boy’s head nodded, shoving a bite of the cookie into his mouth. Her eyes slowly looked up to Steve before dropping back down. She whispered something to Michael and then Sarah before slipping Michael into her vacant seat.

Crossing over to Steve, she stood with a foot between them, looking up. Her eyes were rimmed pink, a telling show she was crying. Peggy hated to cry, especially in public.

“I fucked up. I can admit that. I have no grand story to tell you. I have no excuse beyond my own failure and my own fears.” She took in a deep breath and closed her eyes, her hands clenched behind her back to stable her emotions. Steve knew that sign. “When I realized I was pregnant, I panicked. My mother panicked. My brother panicked. My mother was a traditionalist and forbid me any contact with you. I allowed her to get into my head. I allowed her to control me in times of panic. I wanted you. I loved you. Hell, Steven, I love you. I should’ve come straight back home but I did not know what to do. Between Michael being dependent on me, my mother being dependent, and-and your career here. I couldn’t ruin any of that and I’m sorry. That’s all I can say. It takes away none of the damage I’ve done and I will forever be apologizing for that. I am not asking your forgiveness because I do not deserve it. I am not telling you to go bond with a-a boy whose a stranger to you and vise versa because you deserve to make that choice, I am-”

Steve cut her off, mid-sentence by closing the distance and capturing her mouth in his. By no doubt he was hurt, crushed, betrayed, still crying even but he couldn’t hear Peggy tear herself apart one more time.

“You talk too much, English,” he teased her, cupping her face. She opened her mouth and he shook his head. “Don’t. Am I hurt, betrayed, crushed? Whatever the hell you want to use, yes. God, yes I am. I won’t lie about that. But you have a child, you have my son and you went through all of that alone. You should’ve contacted me but you didn’t and now we both have to go through the consequences of that together. We have to work on that together. But I can understand why you didn’t with your mother…”

He sighed out of his nose and pressed their foreheads together, aware Peggy was crying at this point. Fuck, so was he. “I love you and never stopped and want to continue to love you. I want to get to know my son and…and…work on this. On us.” He pulled Peggy’s hand to his chest and squeezed it gently. “Let me take you to dinner – both of you.”

Peggy let out a blubbering sob and pressed her face into Steve’s chest. She sobbed to the point Steve’s entire weight was supporting hers, her arms wrapped around his waist and his around her shoulders. He rocked her side to side, kissing her temple. “I love you,” she whispered. “I love you and I will forever be making this up to you, Steve.”

Yes, Steve was hurt. Absolutely betrayed. This wouldn’t heal overnight either, but he was relieved. He knew how manipulative Peggy’s mother could be, always controlling her daughter and her desires and reflecting them onto her. She threw a fit when Peggy moved to Brooklyn and lived with the Rogers family for years for an international program. She was finally home, away from her clutches, and he could help take care of his son. Get to know his son. This would a while to heal from but Steve would. They’d heal together and find a perfect balance between them.

[hotpinkstaples]

Damn there’s a lot to cover so it’ll be in a few parts I’m anon bc I think ur cool and I want us to be on good terms but I’m not sure yet if we can disagree politely ;(

I got to disagree with you on some parts like Julius callously just straight up collecting ppl like Pokémon. He simply selected people who he thought had cool magic and a potential to be good warriors. He is both childish and ambitious. Simple as that.

He knew he had to create a strong squad so he could be WK one day and he did it in the nicest way possible. He helped Yami become more acquainted with the language and culture and made him a strong knight. He did the same thing for William. He showed kindness and respect when William had none and helped with his insecurities. William knew that realistically speaking, not everyone is going to accept his visage as graciously as Julius so he was content with at least one person(whom he regarded highly) knowing and accepting him. Giving someone a purpose and the will to live not a bad thing yk?

But at the same time, he achieved his goal to be Wizard King without stepping on anyone.

Though I have to agree that he flopped as WK to achieve what he wanted.

So I will preface this with four things:

Really, I am just a Siberian sheep farmer, and thus you are welcome to post a dissenting opinion at any time. I do not bite!! The rest of your asks are under the cut. :D

I have never read the light novels.

My knowledge is 75% anime, 25% manga. I started the anime and watched all the way to the beginning of the Heart mini-arc. Then I stopped and read the manga from where the anime stopped. Therefore, I only have knowledge of the story through the anime up to volume 23. Volumes 23 onwards, I’ve been manga-exclusive until recently, now that the anime is adapting from the manga.

I am a crackhead.

So for the Pokemon part, I was referring to Yami, but like... How you describe Julius is exactly how I’d imagine a Pokemon trainer. He’s a forty-year-old man and his passion in life is to look at shiny magic things, and that’s OK! Julius is an eccentric man, and there’s never anything wrong about being passionate about the things you love.

But at the same time, Julius’ passion is also one of his primary weapons because he did recruit William and Yami specifically because they had interesting/rare magic, and despite how passionate he is about magic, they were recruited for the military. They were also, arguably, at their most vulnerable when Julius came along. Yami was poor, illiterate in the Clover language, and not ashamed to walk off with a stranger for a simple meal, whereas William was basically the Clover equivalent of weird lil forest boy. Now, do I think Julius recruited them because he planned to take over the world? Absolutely not! But he did manage to recruit them into a system he would, eventually, go on to oversee, so it’s very difficult for me to view Julius as some flighty old man just asking cool magic people to join him when he’s shown to be one of the sharpest and coldest people in the room, and intelligent enough to forecast what power he needs to be able to leverage in order to maintain control.

And I agree - he’s ineffective as a leader, and incompetent at his job in general. However, I don’t think his incompetency is just because his head is in the clouds about magic. I think it’s also because of his privileged birth, his aimlessness in life before Zara came along, etc. In any other world, Julius would probably be your favorite archeologist living off daddy’s trust fund, but he’s not that. He’s the head of a military force and the face of a nation, and I truly believe he’s failed both.

As for toxic loyalty.... I would have to disagree. I think superficially Yami is just a dude going about his day, squatting in Mr. Legolant’s house with his Pokemon, but I don’t think Yami is so dumb that he doesn’t recognize how much he’s despised for being a migrant. You’re right, he doesn’t have to be a beacon of change for any other immigrants, but I think it depoliticizes his character and does an overall disservice to his narrative when race/species conflict, class conflict, and genocide are all key themes in the story. You’re right, Yami doesn’t give a fuck most of the time because he’s just not interested in social justice or bringing any meaningful impact to Clover politics, but it’s because he doesn’t give a fuck is the problem. Yami’s complacent in upholding Julius’ institution, just like William is complacent in Patolli’s acts of terror, because regardless of how Yami feels, he’s part of a larger military complex seeking to uphold the Crown, a crown Julius controls as leader of the military.

And I heavily disagree that William wasn’t focused on equality, discrimination, and all that jazz. William’s grimore was not dedicated to Julius pre-elf reincarnation. If it was, William’s struggle in deciding between Patolli and Julius would never have existed because Patolli would have either been contained and or exorcised before it got to the point that it did. More than that, William’s betrayal runs far deeper than the moment he receded to let Patolli chop off Fuegoleon’s arm and put him in a coma. No - William’s betrayal was a decade’s worth of actively building a squadron of bodies that would be fit to hold the souls of the elves once the reincarnation began. I’d argue that William implicitly chose Patolli from the start, even if he explicitly made the case that he didn’t really have a choice. In addition, William was aiding and abetting a terrorist whose entire motivation hinges on the genocide of his people. Sorry to say, but I can’t agree that William didn’t have these things in mind when he was making his choices.

For Fuegoleon and Nozel, I won’t argue they’re seeking to fulfill political ambitions. It’s true! They want the Crown because they want the power and can strive for it due to their position on the hierarchy.

As for overthinking Yami’s behavior... I like to overthink. Lemme tell you why. Yami being aware of Charlotte’s feelings aint the problem, and neither is his him getting into fights with Jack. No, the issue is Yami has a habit of collecting people like Pokemon when people shouldn’t be treated as such!

I make jokes that Yami never got management training, but lemme expand - he hired an ex-con, a mage whose true visage he didn’t learn about until the Underwater Sea Temple arc, an alcoholic with mommy issues, an anxiety-ridden taxi with daddy and brother issues, etc., basically all of the members have some kind of issue that stems from trauma/violence/etc and Yami just invites them to his squad like, literally, it’s a halfway house. Now, the people he recruits are grateful and all, but they’re all fucked up! Every one of them, except Asta.

And that’s why I say Asta was the wake-up call Yami needed, and the character that will drive Yami’s development, because Asta has something Yami doesn’t have - and that’s clarity. Asta’s history, his rise to power, his ambition, all of that hinges on a childhood raised with love and warmth even if he was born with what the kingdom could view as a disability (ie. no magic). Asta knows what he wants because his goals benefit more than just him. Asta wants it for Hage, for his adoptive father, and for his foster family. Asta has his eyes on the prize because his circumstances allowed for him to keep his eyes on the prize.

Yami does not have that level clarity in his life. You said it yourself - Yami isn’t the type to sweat the political stuff, he’s living because he can, and he surpasses his limits because he wants to and not because he has to. He leaves his squad to his business, and he expects them to get their shit together when necessary, but besides that, it’s hands-off.

And that’s where the issue is! Yami is detached from his own squad emotionally. Part of the reason why it’s easy to parentify Yami as the team dad because it’s assumed his detachment is a regular shounen-dad trait, not present but he loves you anyway. I don’t think that’s the case with Yami. I think it runs deeper than that, and part of the reason why Yami can’t bond with his own teammates and actually lead the squad is because he’s overcompensating for his own insecurities and inability to have a clear and necessary vision for his future.

The few times Yami has had to surpass his limits is when he’s had to protect his squad, people who are mentally ill and generally incompetent themselves, and it’s because Yami knows he’s the only one capable of doing it. And that’s a problem! Yami doesn’t offer them the tools to get better mentally and physically. It’s not even a joke anymore because Henry has tried murder-suicide twice in order to win a battle, and it’s for Yami. Before Asta, the Black Bulls were a fractured mess of people with Yami holding them together for dear life, but with Asta, they were able to see life beyond the comforts of the Black Bulls den. Vanessa and Finral faced their traumatic pasts. Grey finally found the courage to enhance her magic. Henry finally came out of the attic. In a way, the Black Bulls are also toxically loyal to Yami because Yami? He’s not a good leader either! Now, is that Yami’s fault? No, but he is responsible for the health and wellbeing of his squad, and his kidnapping by Zenon was testament that he’d ultimately failed in the only real responsibility he’s ever had. Maybe that’s overthinking Yami’s character and motivations, but I think that’s fine.

As for the civil war, that’s just something I would love to see because Bleach never did a Rukongai civil war when we were ripe for it. It’s pure self-indulgence! Of course I know neither Fuegoleon nor Nozel will start a civil war, but I like to think something will, and sometimes I think it will be Asta’s trial... and sometimes I think it will be something completely outta left field, but the concept fascinates me because much of the story is predicated on the ongoing issues of social and political injustice, race/species conflict, even if it’s all fluffed up with cool character designs. Now, a lot of why I want to see Black Clover attempt a civil war is because I hold Tabata to a standard simply because he claims his work is Berserk but for babies. Now, I never thought such a concept would come to light, but as a Berserk stan... I just wanna see if he’s worth his mettle! I think there’s a lot in the story that’s ripe for inter-Clover conflict, but I also understand his limitations. Yes, because it’s shounen, he can’t expand on certain themes, but like, he teases it well enough that it makes it, quite frankly, annoying as heck when he doesn’t pull through. Perhaps it’s my own fault for holding him to the standard, but like, if you gon say you gon write bootleg Berserk, then write bootleg Berserk!!!

I digress. Now, if a civil war were to begin, I honestly think it would be one mainly driven by what happens to Asta post-Spade. If Damnatio turns around and paints him as a hero for having saved the kingdom, then there won’t be any need for a civil war because uwu Asta will become Wizard King and do policy change from the top-down (trickle-down social and poltical justice).

But if Asta were to be charged and jailed anyway, just so he could take the fall for the amount of destruction that’s about to go down, then it doesn’t make sense for there not to be a civil war. Because once Asta goes down, who’s gonna become Wizard King? Yuno? The guy whose birthright is the Spade throne? Even if Yuno remains a Clover citizen, the chances of him becoming Wizard King are next to null because his parentage would be viewed as a conflict of interest.

So really, it’s not a question of who starts the war, but what propels the issue. We already know that in the context of the story, kin punishment exists, so if Asta has to take the fall, who’s to say his family won’t take it too? That the family in Hage and Yuno won’t have to bear the brunt of the blame in order to bring “peace” to the nation.

I’d like Tabata to go the route of a civil war because then he’d be forced to show that the issues in Clover run way deeper than just Augustus and the nobility. It’s their caste-like social structure, lack of infrastructure and resources for the people living in the “outer” areas, their discriminatory practices towards those of lower birth, racism, etc.

But again, that entirely depends on if Tabata wants to tell such a tale, or if he prefers Asta take the assimilationist route, save the day, and become the uwu hero. He can! It’s an easy way to frame things, and mirrors Lumiere’s Big Battle well enough, but I think a war would also be great so that it can really put Asta in a position to exercise his brain in the face of absolute loss, and spark hope from nothing. Asta is my favorite of the new generation of Shounen Jump protags because he has a level of potential I just don’t see in others. He has a drive, but he also has critical thinking skills, and he has a support system when shit gets real. I want to see Asta feel the weight of decisions beyond his control, so that he can experience decision-making from a place of true helplessness, which I honestly think will help him see that there’s more to the dream of being Wizard King than just climbing the ranks. It’s advocating for real change. It’s not only knowing how to empower the people, but also being able to actively challenge injustice in every form. It’s not full-on anarchy like Liebe, but it’s not just assimilationist politicking he was doing earlier. I think with a civil war, Asta will understand that there’s more to his world than just magic, and that he, as a non-magic person, can make change that doesn’t hinge on him following the rule of the law, because the laws have to change, and they can’t change when Asta’s forty and finally Wizard King, they have to happen now. A civil war will expose a lot of the underpinning issues and offer the cast a change to work through them! Also, it makes for good conflict uwu.

But that’s entirely my opinion!!! I’m a HUGE fan of historical political thrillers. Absolutely LOVE that shit. I wanna see it in Black Clover because selfishly, it would make me happy!!

[atlas-of-a-human-soul]

Fix Me (doctor/soulmate AU) {7}

Summary: Dealing with the truth isn’t easy, especially when there’s a soulmate bond involved.

Warnings: angst, fluff, swearing

Word count: 4000+

Fix Me (doctor/soulmate AU) series Masterlist

A/N - heavily inspired by Grey’s anatomy, my own experiences and thoughts, but also by songs: Birdy - Not about angels, Bear’s den - Fortress, Matthew and the atlas - Out of the darkness, Harry Styles - Falling, Kodaline - Wherever you are, Isak Danielson - Love me Wrong, Dove Cameron - Remember me, Tom Odell - Can’t pretend, The XX - Angels, Coldplay - Fix you, Coldplay - The scientist, Elvis Presley - Can’t help falling in love.

I really hope you guys like it! Feedback is always wanted and appreciated, no matter how small or big it is!

If you want to be tagged for future parts, reply down below.

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Ikari (noun) -  anger/strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure, or hostility

Very few moments in our lives are time-stamped, just frozen in one particular second of an achingly long minute of a horribly long hour. That's when time stands still and we're left with a choice - to be the force that makes it move or be a victim of the one who does and Ethan wasn't sure what to choose.

Taking her quivering lips and trembling chin into account, those beautiful eyes of hers clouded with doubt and hurt but not hate...even then she couldn't hate him. Love and hate are the same train, only in forwards or reverse gear.  Her chest rose quickly with each breath, her exhales coming out as huffs instead of proper airflow and her hands laid at her side as defenseless as she must feel. She has blood in her eyes while blood drains from his face.

He doesn't feel like he deserves to be the one to end the silence. It's not as if he wouldn't be happy to be a father now or many times after as well, but it's the way it's come to be and it's the deceit that had forced this moment of reckoning.

"Nothing to say? Because I have plenty. To. Say." She spat the words out like they're poison collecting on the tip of her tongue, her eyes narrowing as tears begin to spill and Ethan really has no words to say because what the hell could he ever say that would make it better? And she’s fighting for the good memories of them to remain unaltered, to remember the reasons to be kind. She’s fighting to keep herself empathic even as every terrible thing she had predicted is coming true in this instant. For Y/N, that's the betrayal, Ethan’s lack of willingness to fight the negative thoughts and think the best of her, to recall her soul as it was when they first met instead of loving the soul that evolved by his side.

"You kept this from me for six months, Ethan! You watched me squirm whenever I asked about your soulmate and you said NOTHING!" Her hands bawl into fists and the veins in her neck become prominent and while he swallows thickly, Ethan prepares for the worst of it. She's just starting and she has every right to get it off her chest and onto him. He deserves it all.

"I've been haunted by a soulmate that doesn't exist! God, Ethan, do you even have any idea how fucking distraught I've been over that?! And then this!" Pointing at the positive test at his feet, Ethan can tell her hands are shaky but so is her entire body. Her emotions are completely in control, her rage at its peak, but he can't help the tiny bit of joy inside him at the fact that she's still there. She may be screaming at him, but she's there, not running away like she would have done months ago but staying long enough to at least argue.

"I've mourned our children, Ethan!" Her voice is raspy and devastatingly painful, his heart desperately flailing inside his chest as her grief overcomes her and he can't touch her, he can't make it go away. This time, he's the cause instead of being her cure.  In her pain she thought he’s the bad guy, yet in truth he’s drowning in a sea of uncried tears too.

"I've mourned the children I thought we couldn't have! I've let that go, given up on it entirely because I wanted you more than -", her voice breaks and a sob fills the pause that wrecks Ethan from inside out and his own tears fall uncontrollably and while he knew it would be better if he stays on the other side of the room, he had taken a step closer and she didn't take one back.

Swallowing a lump inside her throat, she shakes her head at him and speaks again, no longer screaming but her quiet tone is making it worse. It hit him hard. Her words are like nails and hammers breaking his heart apart.

"I would have given it all up for you. I didn’t give a fuck about the soulmate I might have, because you're all I can see. I would have given up having children of my own, for you. I would have forgiven you for lying to me all this time, Ethan, I would have. I was going to." Wiping her tears off, she rubbed her nose absentmindedly before her gaze fell on that test again, her own heart aching.

Did she want kids? Yes.

Did she want Ethan's kids? Definitely.

But like this? It wasn't quite the way she imagined it at all and not at a time where she's finishing her intern year. There were far too many things she wanted to do differently, to make it special. Who even gets pregnant by accident in this world anyway? She felt like a cosmic joke.

"I didn't even fucking care that you lied, I was just happy you were finally mine and then I remember the times you insisted on condoms and I though why not fuck with him a little?” Chuckling in disbelief, she actually smiled through the tears but it was far from happiness on her face.

“Just to relieve some the tension and I don't even know why I took the test, probably because of what Grayson asked today, but no matter how badly I wanted kids with you, this isn't the way or time I wanted it to happen." Moving to the bed, Y/N let herself sit on the edge, folding her hands in her lap as she lets out a long, heavy sigh. Her sigh was of a softly deflating, it was as if a tension had lifted yet left her with a melancholy instead of relief.

"I love you. I really fucking do. I just don't like you right now."

Moira - a person’s fate or destiny

Ethan couldn't stay away any longer after finally hearing her say those words and mean them, no shooter with a gun to her head, no nothing. In fact, she said it after he royally fucked up, that's got to mean something, right? Moving toward her as if gravity itself demands it of him, Ethan knows this might end badly for him, but it's a risk he has to take. For her, he has to.

Kneeling down, he got in her line of sight and while she rolled her eyes at him at first, she fixed her gaze on him after.

"I was scared you'd leave me. That you'd run and I'd never see you again. And I fucked up, I should have told you and I just...the longer it went on, the harder it was to...justify it all. But none of it was justified, because I never stopped being afraid." Daring to lay his palm on her thigh, Ethan nearly smiles when she doesn't tense up or move away, allowing him a mercy he didn't feel worthy of. Fear is an incredibly powerful influence, it is also a disguised demon. But Y/N? She’s always been too kind, too patient and he never really knew why up until now – she loves him just as much he loves her.

"I understand why you didn't tell me. I do. I just wish you had more faith in what we share...in me. You were everything and I don't know how to go back to that? Was I ever just a girl you love or was I always the soulmate you felt the obligation to love?" And that hurt him. That insecurity, the doubt, the unwillingness to believe she is without a doubt the only woman he would ever love, it broke him.

"With or without it, I'd have lived a thousand years if it meant you'd be waiting for me in the end. There is no one, past or present, I would put before you. I love you, with everything I am - heart and twenty one grams of soul." Sniffling, Ethan laid his other palm on her leg as well, holding onto her as if she's his sole anchor to the world.

"And I fucked up, big time, and I'd love nothing more than to make it up to you and it's not how I planned it either, but I think we have a chance to make something beautiful here. If you’ll have me, I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you", leaning toward his nightstand, Ethan opened the drawer and pulled out a tiny black box. Never in his life had he felt like he couldn't breathe, as if his lungs are burning for their dying breath, but when her eyes widen as he adjusts his position, making sure he's on one knee as he should be, Ethan forgot how to breathe.

"Marry me." Mustering the words with the last of his strength he watched her in hope, aware this is yet another thing he didn't want to do quite like this but it felt right. If she needed to know how much he loves her, he would go the extra mile.

Most soulmates don't get married because why would they when fate had sealed their fates together anyway. But he wanted to do that. He wanted to show her his love is stronger than anything and that she isn't just his soulmate, but the love of his life - his best friend and lover and his favorite person. Without her, he didn't see a future at all.

“You want me to”, she paused, trying to say the next words calmly instead of freaking out as openly as her heart is, “marry you?”

Seeing him nod had only fueled the last bit of anguish inside her, but then he smiles so nervously, revealing just how scared he truly is and she doesn’t want to make it worse because she doesn’t even know what she wants to do with everything that had been revealed. It’s always been impossible to truly resist him, feeling as if it might kill her, but this time she didn’t want to resist. Y/N didn’t want to fight anymore. What she needed is Ethan, even if he’s the last person she should care for right now.

Reaching for the box, she takes it from him gently. Taking a moment to look at the beautiful ring, she swallows thickly before closing the box altogether. His lips part open as a quiet gasp leaves him, his eyes forming more tears as she sets the box back on the bed and turns to him.

“I don’t think we need to make major decisions right now. If it’s alright with you, I’d rather just go to bed – no talking, just you and me.” And he can hear just how defeated, how drained she is and he can’t even imagine what it is for her and how heavily the baby must be affecting her, so he doesn’t challenge her. Swallowing every word he wants to say, biting back his tongue, Ethan just nods as he sits up, next to her.

Wrapping an arm around her, Ethan pulls her into his side, holding tightly as her arms circle around him and hold him closer. He doesn’t wait, moving them back onto the bed, not leaving her for a single second. It might as well be the last time she allows him to hold her so close, so intimately that he can feel her heart beating against his chest and he won’t waste the chance. He didn’t care about anything but her love - he’d have her love him wrong if she can’t love him right. Anything, but to be away from her - this night or any other. 

Instead of creating space, he kisses her forehead and while she tried her best not to, a fleeting smile appeared on her lips. Draping a leg over his, she hides her head just under his chin, resting it on his chest as his fingers thread through her hair at the back of her neck. And just like that, in their silence, Ethan and Y/N laid together until emotions settled and their eyes closed for the night – too in love to let each other go.

Metanoia (n.) - the journey of changing one’s mind, heart, way of life

When morning came, Y/N was surprised to find herself alone in bed. She figured Ethan must have been paged and while a pang of hurt, jealousy even, followed, she couldn’t be mad at him for that. After all, she understands it comes with the job and while she hoped he’d take the day off to figure things out and make a definite choice on what they will do moving forward, she sighed. He’s got her devotion, but she really hates him sometimes.

She doesn’t want to fight him, nor sleep alone ever again, but this isn’t just like any other fight – this is a big deal, possibly the biggest of them all. How can she forgive him? Is it fair to crave him like the very air she breathes at the same time as her heart is wide open, bleeding because of his actions? But then her hand lingers on her stomach and she almost smiles with the thought of a small part of him being with her now, even when he’s not really there.

Flinging an arm to the empty place beside her, she finds herself wishing his beautiful smile was there to make the day lighter. Even now, she wished for his arms around her, to hear him say he loves her most ardently.

Groaning, she shakes her head at her own stupid self. Perhaps now when she had experienced soulmate love, a part of her forgave her parents for the way they acted – not with her but each other. Her mother forgave his father for the worst of sins, something Y/N couldn’t fathom at the time, but she’s now in a similar situation and it’s exhausting being angry with him…especially when new life is growing inside her and it’s a part of the person she loves most in the world. And no matter how sudden and unexpected it all is, she would never be like her parents. Her child would never feel unwanted or abandoned, she swore it. Even if it’s probably just a clump of cells, she fell in love with the baby. Ethan fucked up, but this baby isn’t guilty of any sin. The baby is a gift, she decided. And she’ll make him suffer, but Ethan is a gift as well and eventually she’ll forgive him. She’ll be graceful, forgiving, become his warmth in the cold of his long, lonely life. People think that forgiveness is weakness, but it's absolutely not; it takes a very strong person to forgive and if anything, Y/N had become a strong individual with so much love to give and she’d give it to him…and their baby.

Yawning, she stretched before sitting up, a little woozy but in need of food. She had barely had anything to eat yesterday and her growling stomach wasn’t shy about reminding her of that fact. However, as she put his shirt on, she found herself missing him dearly. Resting her cheek on her own shoulder just to feel his scent better, she realized just how ridiculous she is, yet she enjoyed it anyway.

Tiptoeing to the kitchen, she quickly realized she was sorely mistake. Ethan didn’t abandon her this morning at all, he was just trying to be… for the lack of a better word, Ethan.

The table is set, her favorite flowers in the middle, stacks of pancakes already prepared. She tilts her head to the opened fridge and a man’s ass being the only visible thing at this point and she’d know his ass anywhere. As the fridge closes, she’s met with a peculiar sight – his hands are full with different dressings, he’s even got a pack of cream in his mouth and she can’t help but shake her head at him fondly, gracing him with a small smile.

“Ey”, he manages something resembling a greeting, his eyes wider as if he got caught doing something he shouldn’t be doing. She’s fast by his side, grabbing the pack from his mouth before she says “Hey” too. He can’t help but notice his shirt on her, but he thought it would be safer not to comment on it.

“Since eggs make you sick, I thought you might like pancakes.” Ethan shrugged with an innocent, but hopeful smile. Exhaling through her nose, Y/N raises an eyebrow.

“I’m fine with eggs, E. It was part of the…joke. But I won’t argue, I love pancakes.”

And so they ate, glancing at each other awkwardly and while it’s completely unacceptable, Ethan wished he’d let him touch her stomach. The baby’s merely a blob at this point, but he really wanted to feel her stomach, to feel connected to both of them.

“Do you think Grayson is free today?” Y/N breaks his inner monologue. Blinking fast, Ethan nods, wiping his mouth with a napkin.

“Yeah. Why?”

“Because I want to do a checkup. I want to know everything is in order.” And that’s when Ethan stopped blinking altogether. In fact, he barely swallowed the last piece without choking.

“You want my brother to”, he stopped before he made things worse but Y/N picked up on what he means easily, rolling her eyes at him in irritation.

“I want him to do the ultrasound if it’s possible, a few labs, not a vaginal examination. I’ll ask Addy for that.” She explains, making it very, very clear she had no intention of letting Grayson anywhere near her lady parts.

Nodding, Ethan texted Grayson immediately, making it clear he’s to clear his schedule if he needs to and right when breakfast was over, the pair got ready and went into the clinic.

“Can I be happy for you?” Grayson whisper shouted in excitement as he lead them inside the room, all but clapping like a little kid, trying his best to ignore the glare Ethan is trying to kill him with.

“I’m still very angry with you. What you can do for me is do an ultrasound.” Y/N sent him a glare of her own, definitely more dangerous than Ethan’s, enough to make Grayson pipe down and press his lips together to hide any possible excitement as Y/N laid down and bared her stomach for him. Ethan settled on the chair beside the bed, his hand taking hers, interlocking their fingers and while she did glance at him in surprise, she didn’t fight his touch, rather tightened her hold on his hand in response.

“Did you draw blood?” Grayson questions as he starts the examination, trying to ease the tension that suffocated him. It’s evident she isn’t happy with either of the twins, but he didn’t expect to take so much heat for this. They’ve been friends this entire time, he thought it would have eased her anger but it seems that’s exactly what fueled it. He should have pushed Ethan to tell her sooner rather than later, maybe then they’d be laughing as they’re doing something so significant, something he’s dreaming of. He can’t wait to meet his soulmate, to fall in love and have kids and be more than what he is now. It’s nice to have more time to travel the world and find yourself, but the past fifty years have been too much. He’s been ready for a while now, he just can’t wait for her to be ready too.

“Yes. It will be back in a few. They did me a favor and put it first for testing.”

“I know you’re mad at me, princess, but this is the first baby Dolan and I’m still excited to be an uncle.” Grayson points out, only making Y/N confused.

“Didn’t you say your sister found her soulmate and is happy in Australia?”

“She did. But she isn’t romantic with her soulmate. They live across the street, but she’s married to someone else. They adopted three kids though. But it’s been a while since she died. Cameron found her soulmate when she was thirty and they had fifty two years together. We see her grandkids though.” Ethan responded, somber as he remembers the sister he loved dearly even if they didn’t always get along. She was always closer to Grayson and he struggled most when she passed even though they watched her grow old and she was very, very happy. That’s the curse of living so long – you see those you care for find their happiness and die while you’re frozen at twenty. It’s what Grayson fears the most – watching his brother grow old and die while he’s stuck as he is now.

Grayson nods, confirming Ethan’s words before licking his lips and his eyes narrow, making Y/N frown. Something doesn’t feel right. Grayson is never quiet, even if he’s trying not to get himself killed by her and maybe it has something to do with remembering his sister, but he’s too focused on the screen and his forehead is starting to glisten from sweat. The guy didn’t shut up the whole time as he did a breast ultrasound, so why did he quiet down now?

“You’re quiet. I don’t like it.” She spoke up, craning her neck to try and see the monitor and Ethan did the same.

Clearing his throat, Grayson turned to her with a small smile.

“Just need more gel.” Adding more of the cool gel on her stomach, Grayson emerges himself further into the ultrasound just as a knock on the door makes Y/N gasp.

“It’s Addy, I have the labs.” It’s time for Ethan to sweat because while Y/N may be perceptive and see that his brother is acting weird, he’s been with him for over a hundred years and he knows when something is off right from the start. Ethan sighs as the doctor enters. The sigh that came was a signal, not of his resolve leaving but of the level his tension had reached. Doctors aren’t usually ones picking up results, especially not experienced ones like Abby. Perhaps it’s special treatment because it’s Y/N and well, him, but he couldn’t help the odd feeling inside his chest that something’s amiss.

“Hello, dear. I got the call from the laboratory, so I thought I’d pick these up for you.” She smiles sweetly at Y/N and only then notices how serious everyone is. Seeing Ethan’s hand in Y/N’s only makes her smile wider, showing just how happy she is for Ethan to have found someone like Y/N. Addy wouldn’t comment on it, but she was wishing them a bright future.

“Thank you, Addison.” Grayson nods at the iPad, gesturing for her to hand it over and she’s quick to do so before excusing herself, leaving them alone.

“I swear to God if you don’t start speaking, I will start breaking things.” Y/N’s voice is low and threatening and her eyes are hard, but it doesn’t make it easier for Grayson at all.

“Your blood-work shows higher levels of Beta HCG, something that would show in a pregnancy.” Grayson starts, only to get interrupted with a very relieved chuckle from Ethan who was getting worse at hiding his joy over the pregnancy with each passing moment.

“You scared me. I thought there was something wrong.” But Ethan’s smile died down when he noticed Grayson’s gloomy face. There was no hints of joy on his face at all, just confusion and worry.

“There is something wrong, isn’t it?” Y/N forced herself to say it, to hear herself admit it. She wants this baby so bad, even if it isn’t the right timing nor way, but she does want the baby. Just this morning she felt…lucky for being able to get pregnant after thinking it wasn’t in the cards for her. She felt hopeful, and she didn’t feel lonely anymore. With Ethan and a tiny Ethan around, she saw her future filled with smiles and now? She couldn’t grasp it. It felt like she lost everything.

“Say it.” She insisted, because she needed to hear it. She needed to know. And though he knew he shouldn’t, Grayson said it.

“I can’t find the heartbeat.”

*  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *

Tags: @beinscorpio​​​​ @peacedolantwins​​​​ @heyits-claire​​​​ @dolandolll​​​​ @godlydolans​​​​ @dolanstwintuesday​​​​ @ethanhes​​​​ @iwastornsincethestart @graydolan12​​​​  @zeusgrayson​​​​ @libradolan​​​​ @justordinaryjen​​​​ @pineappledolan​​​​ @graysavant​​​​ @voguekristens @imayoutubere @livexdolan​​​​  @shadowsndaisies​​​​ @maybgrayson​​​​​ @dolans4lyfe​​​​​ @mendesficsxbombay​​​​​ @fxkthatdairy @sharpdolan​​​ @hollietee1​

Anyone crossed out wasn’t able to be tagged, probably an issue on Tumblr’s side, sorry.

[supremeuppityone]

This is a sequel to Chapter 81: Part 8 — Klarosummer Bingo in my Klaroline series, A Beautiful Symmetry. This was written for Klaroline Bingo @klaroline-events. Prompt: Working. As con artists, Caroline, Bonnie and Katherine knew the risks, but when the Mikaelson brothers conned them, their fight AND flight response kicked into overdrive.

Chapter 122: The Hamptons — Part 2

“It is safer to beg than to take, but it is finer to take than to beg.” ― Oscar Wilde, The Soul of Man Under Socialism

           Nothing was more satisfying than pushing Klaus’ shiny Jaguar over the cliff. It was the final item on Caroline’s to do list as she, Bonnie and Katherine left the Hamptons. Caroline stood with her friends, refusing to flinch as the sound of shattering glass and screeching metal collided with the jagged rocks below. She got sloppy. She should’ve realized a mid-market convertible less than $100,000 would never have been the vehicle of choice for a jet-setting playboy whose family money went back generations.

           “Fucking Mikaelsons played us,” Katherine snarled, brown eyes flashing angrily. “We set up the perfect con, a final score so we could retire, only for it to blow up in our faces when we found out they were trying to con us!”

           Bonnie opened the cooler at their feet, twisting off the top of the beer bottle and taking a deep gulp. “We got them in the end, though. Posted all their fake identities on that stupid Hamptons gossip site. They’re burned in the Northeast now — I even tipped off the highway patrol to be on the lookout for Kol’s Rover.”

           “Did we use cornstarch or flour to mimic the coke the cops will find in the back,” Caroline asked with a mocking grin, clinking her bottle with Bonnie’s in celebration.

           Katherine chuckled darkly. “Flour. But only on the bottom. The top are a few kilos courtesy of our old Markos connection.”

           The women shared a laugh, but Caroline found her gaze straying back to the wreckage below. It had been years since a man had tricked her. Since she’d let a man get close. Still seething over Klaus’ betrayal, her tone was fierce as she said, “The Mikaelsons no longer matter. It’s time to move on to our next job.”  

          “Working shouldn’t be this hard,” Caroline muttered, her voice muffled behind her mask as she polished the alabaster jar on the lathe equipment. She carefully smoothed the sides, ensuring the machine work wouldn’t be visible.  

           Green eyes narrowed behind her goggles as Bonnie advised, “You should use the bow-drill next to ensure modern tool marks aren’t detected.”

           “Seriously?!” Caroline rolled her eyes, certain that underneath that mask was her friend’s signature scowl. “Do you want to do this instead? It’s not like I’ve ever painstakingly crafted forgeries from five different ancient civilizations. Oh, wait — I have.” She hated how shrill her voice sounded and she knew Bonnie and Katherine were dealing with the same anger and disappointment about what happened in the Hamptons. It wasn’t fair that she was taking her misery out on them. As Bonnie started to storm out of the workshop, Caroline called after her, “Wait. That was shitty. I’m sorry.”

           Bonnie sighed, distractedly running a hand through her sleek bob. “You miss Klaus.” At Caroline’s indignant snort, she shook her head. “Lie to yourself all you want, but I see it and Kat would too if she pulled her head out of her ass. And I miss Kol with his stupid limericks and crazy stories that somehow always start with skydiving and end in the back of a police car.”

           “Kat’s avoiding thinking about Elijah by memorizing campus security and building schematics at Berkeley.”

           The women shared a look of commiseration, knowing that Katherine’s hyper-focusing was almost as dangerous as when she spent too much time at the gun range. She didn’t forgive or forget. Elijah was fortunate that were on the other coast.

           Picking up a steel file, she carefully ran it across the wide base of the jar. “I trust she’s working out the reason why there’s a huge lag time in the security guard patrols on Tuesday and Thursday evenings in the Hildegard Building?”

           Bonnie chuckled, “Figure drawing classes are on those nights. Nude figure drawing. The pervy old guards are trying to make some Girls Gone Wild fantasy happen.”

           “Eww. Also, perfect — I can have the other three jars ready by next Tuesday and Kat can make the switch then.” Caroline was responsible for the main part of the Berkeley con — carve perfect copies of the ancient Egyptian alabaster vessels that Katherine would swap out for the real artifacts. Bonnie already had been hired by Berkeley to authenticate their latest archaeological find. She’d forged impeccable credentials as an Egyptian art authenticator with an emphasis on Old Kingdom artifacts.

           Once Bonnie declared Caroline’s work as authentic, the girls would skip town, leaving Berkeley officials none the wiser that their ‘ancient Egyptian’ artifacts displayed were less than two weeks old. It was a familiar con, one they’d pulled off successfully multiple times across the States. They needed this win. The Mikaelson debacle had shaken their confidence, and the women were desperate to get things back to normal.

           “I’ll leave you to it, then.” Heaving a heavy sigh, Bonnie added, “I should probably go check up on Kat in case she decides setting something on fire would make her feel better.”

           Shaking her head, Caroline got back to work, fervently wishing she knew what would make her feel better. She kept thinking back to the argument she overheard between Klaus and Kol.

           “Don’t tell me this is just another job for you,” Klaus replied angrily, “You got too close to Bonnie and Elijah’s all but forgotten the rest of the world exists thanks to Katherine.”

           Kol scoffed, “And Caroline? I saw that ring — don’t think I’m not aware of what that means to you.”

           She stupidly kept the ring on a long chain around her neck, tucked away under her blouse so her friends wouldn’t see. Why did she do this to herself? Because she heard Klaus’ desperation. However the brothers’ con had begun, somewhere along the way, they’d caught feelings and everything had changed. Just like it had for Caroline and her friends.

           But she also kept recalling little details that she should’ve picked up on, things that could’ve unraveled Klaus’ con sooner had she not been so distracted by how she felt about him.

           With a dimpled smirk from Klaus, Caroline kept forgetting she was in the middle of a con. Despite his seductive smiles, she couldn’t help but notice the genuine excitement he showed when she surprised him with a trip to the art museum. From her extensive research into his background, she knew he had an affinity for art, including a graduate degree in art history. “Isn’t it breathtaking,” she asked, pointing out the beautifully preserved Madonna and Child canvas.

           “It’s an impressive Caravaggio,” Klaus said dismissively, already eyeing the next exhibit.

           Frowning, she asked, “I thought this was a Verrocchio? You’d mentioned he had been your focus when you studied Italian Renaissance art?”

           A slight flush creeped up his neck, and he kissed her knuckles as he purred in his accented voice, “I appreciate a woman who can identify the rebirth of classic antiquity.” There was an endearing hesitancy in his tone as he said, “Actually, I’d like to share my latest passion with you.” With an excited twinkle in his eye, he guided her toward the next gallery, one filled with vibrant colors and bold brush strokes that instantly captured her attention.

           “These are powerful,” she murmured, admiring the series of abstract portraits.

           He squeezed her hand, whispering excitedly, “I discovered GyoBeom An at a low point in my life; his work is an explosive blend of constructing and deconstructing images using a bold, contemporary palette. Even though the brush strokes are strong, almost violent in places, to me, it feels like the art reveals what’s hidden in a whisper rather than a shout.”

           His impassioned speech struck a chord with her, and she was alarmed to realize she’d started to tear up. There were so many things she was hiding from Klaus. So, she told him the only thing she knew to be true. “I’m honored you’d share this with me.”

           Klaus looked nervous, but the sincerity of his tone seemed genuine. “You’re special, Caroline. I wouldn’t share this with anyone else.” And then he kissed her until they were both breathless.

           It was a beautiful memory. And it was all a lie. Just two cons lying to each other, Caroline thought bitterly. She pushed aside the flood of memories that kept trying to break free, and instead bent her head to her work once more.

                              ____________________________________

           Caroline’s expectations for the buyer went up a notch when she got her first look at The Bitter End over on Clement Street. Not only did the bar’s name match her mood, but the grimy, threadbare atmosphere made her feel at home. Better than the pretentious clubs in the Hamptons. Her contact informed her that the dive bar was in a quiet neighborhood away from tourists — the perfect spot to negotiate terms.

           The con was nearly complete — Katherine effortlessly swapped out the ancient artifacts for Caroline’s forgeries and Bonnie had done such an outstanding job ‘authenticating’ that Berkeley had offered her a coveted spot on their latest dig in Karnak, examining a newly discovered series of tunnels underneath the Temple of Amun-Ra. (Katherine was still trying to convince them it was a sign they should take their skills to the exclusive spa in nearby Luxor and run either the Heiress Special or the Desert Rose cons.)

           She crossed the threshold, eyes quickly adjusting to the dim light inside the dive bar. She was there to settle the final part of their con — agree on the price for the ancient Egyptian alabaster jars. Something brushed across the back of her neck, and she turned sharply, ready to deliver an elbow to whichever drunk decided to get too gropey. But no one was there. Suddenly on edge, she headed toward the back booth, where the buyer waited in the shadows.

           The scent of leather and cedar flooded her senses, making her heart pound. He was here. Bonnie would tell her to run. Katherine would tell her to break his nose and then run. Caroline’s curiosity was piqued as she contemplated a third option.

           “Hello, sweetheart,” Klaus greeted her, lovingly caressing the syllables of her name with that seductive accent of his. “Are you armed?”

           “Perhaps. You?”

           Gray eyes twinkling, he replied, “Only with righteous indignation. My brothers and I nearly emptied our bag of tricks calling in favors to make that spot of trouble with the police and the coke disappear.” Leaning forward, his lips curled into a dimpled smirk as he added, “And then there was that unfortunate accident. Going after the car — you certainly know how to cut a man to the quick.”  

           Arms crossed in front of her, Caroline asked defiantly, “Clearly, you scared off my buyer, so you must want something — what is it?”

           “Answers. From you and your cohorts’ actions, it was obvious you figured out what we were up to. You three don’t strike me as cowards — why not confront us?”

           She scowled, not appreciating how close he’d become. He was trying to force a connection. Bastard. “A good grifter knows when to cut her losses. It turned out we were all just con artists trying to scam each other. There was nothing to be gained from staying.”

           A hint of steel entered his gaze as he growled, “Or, there was everything to gain. I thought I fell for a woman that forever would be beyond my reach. The little fictions we told each other gave way to something real. And then we discover we’re even more perfectly suited than we could’ve imagined.”

           Blue eyes widened at his words. What Klaus was suggesting was insane — there could never be trust between cons. “Seriously?! Are you out of your mind? We’d constantly be suspicious of each other, waiting to be screwed over.”

           “Details,” he answered with a careless shrug. “Tell me you haven’t missed me every day since you ran off.”

           “I haven’t,” Caroline answered flatly, refusing to give into this insanity.

           She was prepared for him to lash out, but instead, he flashed her a knowing smile while digging in his pocket. Suddenly, he dangled her long silver chain between them, complete with the beautiful ring he’d made her. That he’d stolen right off her neck.

           Klaus’ desire-filled gaze was intense as he told her, “Good thing for both of us you’re a terrible liar.”

[squidprinceofwinterfell]

Stick of Truth Commentary

Intro

Intro cut scene is a nice touch! The animation is nice, and it adds story and stakes to the game the boys are playing. Reminds me of “Lord of the Rings.”

I like how the boys see the stick as a golden staff, but it’s literally just…a stick.

Create your character

Fighter, Mage, Thief, Jew – which is the best and why?

Intro to New Kid and family

Dialogue between parents creates an ominous backstory. Who is looking for New Kid and why?

New Kid is a mute weirdo and I love it.

The first quest (making friends) reminds me of “The Sandlot.”

The shitting feature is awesome.

New Kid meets Butters and is brought to KKK

What exactly is the power of diabetes?

Chekov’s Clyde!

It’s cute how cool everyone is with Princess Kenny.

I like that every player is called Douchebag, but I wish every player didn’t have to play as a boy.

Elves attack

Funny how Cartman’s alarm is just Butters yelling “Alarm!”

Cartman has pretty good commentary when New Kid is fighting. I actually miss that later on.

How did the elves snag the stick? Either Clyde is a bad watchdog or Kyle is super strategic. I choose both.

New Kid must find Token, Tweek, and Craig

Token

I never knew Token was so rich that he had security! It’s probably to keep Cartman out.

I love that Token’s property is calling Dark Meadows.

Token: “The elves took the stick again?” Haha!

Tweek

Tweek is the only employee at Tweek Bros.? That’s called child labor!

I love that Mrs. McCormick thinks the meth heads in her garage are just nice renters. Is she being paid in meth?

Why would a 10-year-old boy be an undercover cop? Only in South Park.

Tweek was totally named after the word “tweeker.”

Craig

Craig is in detention for (of course) flipping off the principal. Is Principal Victoria still principal at this point?

Craig’s alias is Feldspar the Thief? I refuse to believe this isn’t a reference to Malcolm in the Middle.

On the “thief” option at the beginning, Cartman says he’s never seen a white thief before, yet Craig is a thief. Hmm…

“Heeeere they come…I’ll be outta here in ten minutes.” Smug, snarky Craig is the best Craig.

I like that Mackey seems to know he’s in a video game (by referencing the boss fight). It’s very Deadpool.

The Bard

The Inn of the Giggling Donkey is just Jimmy’s house. His living room is convincing as a bar/lounge/hangout.

Twitter = carrier raven

“There once was a maiden from Stonebury Hollow / She didn’t talk much, but boy did she swallow / I had a nice lance that she sat upon / The maiden from Stonebury who was also your mom.” I love Jimmy’s songs!

Butters: “No hurry, Douchebag. The princess is just being raped.” OMG

An elf was jumping on the bed to simulate raping Princess Kenny? The boys are really committed to this game.

Cartman: “Good job, Princess Gone Wild. Double D buddy powers.” Kenny flashing his man boobs is the best distraction tactic.

The Brown Note is Jimmy’s best attack.

“Welcome to the KKK!”

Alien abduction

Cartman’s fart lessons finally come in handy! New Kid’s ass is too strong to be probed.

I love that alien abduction is viewed as just another annoying part of living in South Park.

The guy from the recordings is the hobo hidden onboard, right?

The Nazi zombie hobo is the game’s first instance of the Nazi zombie plot. It tells us that the aliens are responsible for this when the ship crash lands to Earth and green goo gets in the sewer.

New Kid crashed an entire spaceship. He’s kind of a badass. And he gets to keep the alien probe!

The big bad government is involved now to deal with “another UFO crash.” How often does this happen??

Only South Park would try to pass off a UFO as construction of a Taco Bell. And only South Park citizens would believe it.

Recruitment (pt. 1)

All New Kid has to do to get the goth kids to join is put on black clothes. I’m glad to see they still have low standards.

New Kid finally meets Stan and Kyle! I’ve been waiting for this.

According to Kyle, Cartman lied about the stick being stolen and is hiding it. According to Cartman, Kyle is lying because New Kid can’t retrieve the stick if Kyle claims he doesn’t have it. It’s a game of “he said, she said” but I’m inclined to believe Kyle. This is Cartman we’re talking about…

PTA meeting

I’m disappointed no one yelled “Rabble, rabble!” at the PTA meeting.

Is no one else alarmed that Randy lured a young boy into the bathroom alone?

“That’s all you’ve got is a sign? At least crap on a desk or something!” Mr. Garrison is speaking highly of Cartman, I see.

She-Ogre

“Give me back my iPhone, DEMON!” This is an accurate depiction of a brother-sister relationship.

It’s adorable that Stan uses Sparky in battle.

Taco Bell

I love that the big bad government agents are such bad liars that they killed a guy asking about encharidos.

“Goddamn it! I’m so tired of Nazi zombies. It’s so…overused!” Haha!

I’m surprised the adults actually took the bombing threat seriously and weren’t bummed about no Taco Bell.

Recruitment (pt. 2)

The final goth test is DDR?? That’s so conformist.

Once you win the goth kids over, you can recruit them to either Cartman’s side or Kyle’s. I always pick Kyle’s side when I play this. I’ve been itching to betray Cartman since this game started!

South Park Elementary

The huge battle scene takes place at the school because it’s where Cartman supposedly hid the stick. South Park Elementary is busted and makes a great setting for a battle scene. More “Lord of the Rings” vibes!

New Kid’s farts help Kyle’s side get the upper hand. Take that, Cartman!

Another reason choosing Kyle’s side is better: New Kid’s battle against Butters is more impactful because he was New Kid’s first friend. If it was a face off against Stan, it wouldn’t be as emotional.

The final battle gives New Kid one last chance to pick a side. Like Stan says, “I can’t believe this is even a choice.” Kyle vs Cartman is like Chanel vs Walmart.

Yet another reason choosing Kyle’s side is better: Cartman’s farting fire at the end of this fight is one of the best scenes of the whole game.

Clyde

I love the twist where neither Kyle nor Cartman was lying. Clyde really punked the fuck out of everyone.

Kyle is the only one to acknowledge he’s aware of the green goo and how dangerous it is.

Stan: “Clyde, but why?” Cartman: “I banished him to be lost in space and time and now he’s all pissed off.” Haha!

Clyde’s fortress is so badass. I can see the appeal of the dark side.

How the hell does Clyde have control over the Nazi zombies??

I love that Clyde’s power move is keeping his friends out past their bedtimes. The stakes are higher now, but this reminds us this is still a kid’s game…or it started as one.

Underpants gnomes

Gnomes: “The kid is awake! What do we do?” “Oh, fuck, I guess we gotta kill him!” Me problem solving.

Since when do underpants gnomes have warlocks?? I thought they were all failed businessmen.

For some reason, high pitched gnome voices yelling “Oh, fuck!” is really funny to me.

New Kid fighting underneath his giant parents mid-coitus is another iconic fight scene. How many times must New Kid dodge his dad’s ballsack?? The kid is hardcore.

The girls

Kyle convinces everyone to team up against Clyde. I’m continually impressed by Kyle because of his leadership, intellect (he spent all night researching), and open mind (he doesn’t balk at teaming up with the humans or inviting girls to play). I’m totally Team Kyle, if you haven’t noticed.

I love that the girls blindfold New Kid when they bring him to their lair. That’s some Mafia shit.

Annie: “He…doesn’t really talk.” Bebe: “That’s hot!” ME

Sunshine, sparkle, glitter…I wanna talk like this all the time.

Heidi Turner was the two-faced bitch! That’s very Mrs. Cartman of her.

Abortion clinic

New Kid’s abortion doctor is named Dr. Poonlover because of course he is

The big bad government is doing Plan B at the abortion clinic. Clever joke!

Where did Randy get that blonde wig from?? The men in South Park cross-dress so much.

Khloe Kardashian’s aborted fetus as a Nazi zombie is also a legendary fight.

Canada

New Kid didn’t get that his photographer was a pedophile even when he was almost butt naked?? Also, who was that guy who jumps out from behind the boxes?

The layout of Canada is clearly a parody of Pokemon games, right? Either way, I love it. The shitty jpeg videogame look is very Canada.

“They’re like wolves, but they’re dire.”

Getting trained by Terrance and Phillip makes all this back and forth bullshit worth it.

Clyde’s fortress

Of course Cartman butts in when Kyle’s trying to give an inspirational speech. What an attention hog!

It’s funny to me how easily Craig switched to Clyde’s side. Loyalty much??

“I really found myself relating to Clyde’s views about darkness and enslaving the world.” Jesus, Craig!

Cartman’s negative reaction to electricity is a callback to the chip put in his head in Bigger, Longer & Uncut.

“It’s my favorite kid!” WOW, RANDY

“Who could it be?” I love how long New Kid lets them all wonder before he steps up.

Stan: “Dude, that’s not Taco Bell sauce.” Clyde: “Then why’d I find it at the Taco Bell?” A+ logic

How dare you, Clyde! Let Chef rest in peace!

Government interruption

“Whenever aliens are spotted, vampires run amok…” Vampires exist in this universe??

I love that the boys don’t care about the big bad government’s scheme.

So New Kid’s special power is making friends on social media! I should’ve known.

Princess Kenny’s betrayal

Princess Kenny planned to steal the stick all along! This game is full of betrayals.

Kenny makes a pretty cute anime princess. Nazi zombie? Not so much.

Princess Kenny is a badass final boss. And I never saw it coming!

I’m glad the “never fart on someone’s balls” joke meant something in the end. I can see why it was banned – it’s super deadly!

End

The boys unite to save friendship and love…by chucking a stick into a lake.

New Kid stole Cartman’s catchphrase!

Why did Al Gore appear so ominously at the end?? What are you gonna do to the kids, Al Gore??

[itsmyfandomandilikeit]

I'm 26 arcs into Worm: The Stick Up Brian's Butt

So I'm listening to the We've Got Worm podcast and they keep talking about KingBob, the guy on reddit who really related to Alec and ended up understanding him (and by extension Aisha) far better than most of the other readers.

I haven't really gone into this on this blog, I've been reading Worm for like six months now and I don't update that often, but throughout this read I've been the KingBob to Brian. It's gotten to the point where I actually took a few mental health breaks from reading Worm. I know a lot of people thought Brian was boring and dumb. I'm almost done with Worm now and I feel like the inclusion of Brian this story elevated it, for me, from a fun superhero story to something intensely personal, something that was almost a struggle to read. I know from spoilers that Brian's part in this story is almost over. He isn't my favorite character (Dragon) or even my favorite Undersider (Aisha) but I felt like I should write something before this is over. It wouldn't be an honest blog otherwise, as infrequently as I post.

But Kuno, you say. You're a 22-year-old white female engineering student. Why the hell is this the character you relate to?

For a collection of dumb reasons that add up to a large part of who I am. From the time I was eleven to the time I was about twenty-one, I had night terrors. Seven times a night sometimes, I dreamt vividly of the people I loved getting hurt, hurting me, getting killed, killing me. My students and pets melting in my hands. My mom and I clutching each other on the freeway as we're stopped in traffic, a terrorist approaching our vehicle with a shotgun. We don't make it. The dreams made life almost impossible. Seeing people during the day and being absolutely certain they would die before I saw them again. It didn't matter how many times I saw them come back okay. They never would.

I'm afraid of everything. Every missed phone call is a sudden death. Every text message brings terrible news. Every possible situation brings danger, but if my friends go, I can't let them go without me. Something could happen. They'd be safe as long as I could see them. If I was looking at them, everything would be okay. Some child psychologist I spoke to at a young age noted I was a "natural leader". To this day, I lead because I am a control freak. I am afraid of what would happen if I let someone else be in control.

Interlude 15 fucked me up.

My fatal flaw extends from this. I'm terrified that people will see me as weak. I dated a boy on my robotics team when I was in high school. I treated him like shit in public because I didn't want anyone to think I cared about him, even though he was my boyfriend. What would they think of me if they saw there was a person I treated as an equal? Horrible things. I became a better girlfriend to another boy, years later, because someone mentioned to me they thought I could be a good girlfriend, and that it was rough, calloused girls who were the weak ones. It was the perfect two sentences to convince me that for people to see me as strong, I had to be a good girlfriend.

In the We've Got Worm podcast, Scott and Matt always mention that each of the Undersiders brings the team down somehow, their inputs to every situation silly or stupid. I was confused. I always thought Grue's avoidance of conflict, always taking the slow, deliberate path, was the right way to go. Then I realized that, to many, this behavior indicates brokenness. Maybe they're right.

Yeah so I said I'd talk about the stick up Brian's butt in arcs 25 and 26. I don't think he has much to say for the rest of Worm so here we go. I'm building off a lot of what the WGW guys say, but I think I can take it a little farther.

So in arc 10 the WGW guys point out that Brian resists letting Taylor back on the team until the precise moment when it becomes apparent that everyone else wants her back, when he suddenly changes tactics to talking about how they "need her for offense". They make the imo correct deduction that this is because he's afraid of looking weak. Everyone knows Taylor likes him, so, logically, to be Stoic Leader Man he should want her to go away. He needs permission to want her back on the team. Once he has that permission, he is all for it.

I know that sounds convoluted but trust me as a person with exactly these issues this makes perfect sense.

Arc 11, Brian has still not decided to be Taylor's friend again. This is because she's on the team to be offense. Their friendship doesn't help nobody's offense. When Lisa calls him and tells him he needs to lay up on her, that to be her friend would be good, he goes directly to Taylor's house and declares them... best friends. Because Lisa has given him permission to do so.

I hope you're following because I'm aware this is stupid.

In arc 12, I'm gonna veer a little to the side. Let's talk about Brian's second trigger, just so that I can educate the public on exactly how this came around. Keep in mind that trigger events happen from a long period of a specific type of stress coming to a head. And that Brian's previous trigger happened from feeling like he maybe couldn't help Aisha for a long time, and then suddenly being hit with the fact that he definitely couldn't help her.

Arc 1: The Undersiders save Taylor who was saving them from Lung Arc 2: Brian punches Rachel for attacking Taylor Arc 4: Taylor gets blown up by Bakuda, Brian sits in her hospital room and stares at this for presumably a while Arc 5: Taylor looks like she's been hanged, having fought Lung again Arc 7: Taylor and Rachel are attacked by the ABB, Brian shows up late. Taylor is attacked later the same day by Sophia, Brian shows up pretty late. Taylor propositions the boy, he tells her he thinks of her like he thinks of his sister. I am 100% certain at this point, looking back, that this was an early indication that the second trigger process was starting towards a lack of ability to keep up with Taylor. He wasn't just saying he thought of her like he would think of her if they were related, he thinks of her like Aisha specifically, the one his power is attached to. His little brain is drawing the equivalences already. Arc 8: Broken spine, betrayal, yadda yadda Arc 9: Sophia attempts murder because it's Tuesday Arc 10: Brian pretends to not want Taylor to come back Arc 11: Brian does his now-classic "walks into room/why is Taylor injured/maybe she should not be doing this" routine Arc 12: Repeat of arc 11, except now he starts stumbling over her name. He tells her she should have let her people die. If there's a point onscreen when he realizes there might be something going on, this is it.

Point is, this has been stewing in the background since as early as arc 1 and as late as arc 7 but probably actually started in arc 4. It wasn't out of the blue, it was the logical culmination of the entire story's events thus far from Brian's perspective.

Arc 13: Yeah, you know what happens here. In the final chapter, he tells her he thinks about her too much, but even though he received a new set of superpowers and a vision from aliens telling him that he probably loves her, the vision is definitely wrong and he just feels like he can't keep up with her.

She's been attacked by everyone. Lung, Rachel, Bakuda, Sophia, Armsmaster, Leviathan, the Merchants, Mannequin. He doesn't want her to keep fighting, he feels he needs to be the one to do it. At the same time, he knows he's not powerful enough. No one power is enough to deal with all of these threats.

No single power.

But he doesn't love her. That would mean he was weak.

He doesn't even agree to have dinner with her in 15. He allows it to happen because Aisha set it up. She knows what's going on, and she has given him permission to have this.

Aisha had to be the one to give him permission because his previous powerset was for her, and now it doesn't work with her, either. At the same time as his second trigger was stewing under the surface for Taylor, he was losing his power's connection to Aisha because their powers didn't work together and he kept being forced to forget she exists. He had lived for her before, and being Super Big Brother was exactly what Brian wanted to be. Now, Aisha doesn't want to be lived for. She wants to be her own person.

Brian spends the next several arcs simply living for Taylor.

I strongly suspect that the side effect of Brian's power is that it makes him pathologically need to be 100% responsible for others. No matter how dumb everyone's plans are, he always has to be there. No matter how stupid it is, Coil told him being a villain will allow him to get his sister back. No matter how dumb it is, he tells Taylor she has to sit out running from the Nine in arc 13 because she might be tired. He pays for it.

Brian's powers will probably never actually allow him to get over Taylor Hebert. It's like Taylor and bullies. No amount of therapy or time will get Brian's shard to let the fuck go.

So when the girl whom you are physically incapable of not thinking about leaves and goes to prison and tells every single person on the planet exactly how weak you are, who goes to an even more dangerous situation where you cannot follow her, what can you do?

The only possible thing. Try your absolute damnedest to pretend you never knew her.

You walk out of that meeting with the most powerful people in the world because she is there. You go find yourself somebody else. Another girl. Taylor hated her little boobs? This girl has big boobs. Taylor can't stay away from violence? Cozen seriously appears to have never even seen a corpse.

When Taylor comes back, Brian greets her with the new girl on his arm. He tries to shake her hand. Time has passed. There's nothing between them any more.

The next day, Grue is presented with the choice of pushing back against Taylor and standing with the new girl, whoever she is, or supporting Taylor. He chooses Taylor.

Of course he does. The situation calls for it. The situation has given him permission.

[waiting4inspiration]

The Berserker XV (Ivar x Reader)

Summary: Hvitserk mentions a name that is connected to Freydis and you confront Ivar about who Baldur is

Warnings: angst, strong language, Ivar being an idiot

The Berserker Masterlist II Vikings Masterlist

Aiming the arrow at the target in front of you, a loud sigh escapes your lips before releasing your hold on the string. Blinking once, your eyes land on the arrow embedded in the boar’s head that had been mounted before you got there. 

Sighing again, you close your eyes as the wind whips through your hair and the rustling of the leaves fills your ears. You picture being back with your pack, living deep within the woods. Deeper than any man ever dares to tread. This is why you come here to this training area Ivar and his brothers use. To get away from the city and just be at peace again with the trees around you. 

“Thought that you’d be here,” a voice says, pulling you out of your trance and your head snapping directly towards the person. Out of the trees walks Hvitserk with a proud smile on his face. “Always find the wolf among the trees,” he jokes, walking closer to you as you place the bow to the side. 

Shaking your head, you stare at the ground and sigh. “I’m not that anymore,” you state, looking back up at Hvitserk who now stands a few feet in front of you. “I gave that up when I agreed to marry Ivar,” you mumble, reaching for the ax beside the bow and gripping it tightly in your hand. “I’m nothing but the Queen of Kattegat and Narfeyri.”

Turning on your heels you throw the ax through the air towards the boar’s head. Hvitserk chuckles as the blade embeds itself into the skull and walks forward to pull it out of the target. “So, you reget marrying him them?” he questions, striding back beside you and handing the weapon back. 

“No, I don’t,” you state confidently, twirling the ax in your hand and you turn to the target again. “I just thought things would be different than what they are,” you explain, raising the weapon to throw it back at the target. Sighing in content when it lands, you s drop your head to stare at the grass again. “It feels like I never was the leader of a great pack of animals,” you chuckle, lifting your head back up at Hvitserk and give a small smile. “That all seems like a dream now,” you say, lowering your head again as your smile fade. 

Hvitserk sighs, moving his gaze from you to the ax in the boar’s skull. “You know, the stories that I heard about the leader of a pack of wild animals were not of your second in command or of any other man,” he starts, making you lift your head back up as he turns to you. “They were of you. And I still hear people telling those stories, saying that it is their queen that lead wild animals into battle,” he explains, making the smile return to your face. “You’re still the woman you were when you lead your army. Though you might not be leading them now, nothing about you has changed.”

Staring at him, you nod thanks to him before looking back at the animal head with the weapon protruding out its skull. “Tell me about her,” you beg, looking back up at him. “Ivar’s last wife. Tell me about her.”

He sighs, hesitation on his face as he bites the inside of his cheek. “Freydis,” he whispers, walking away and leaning against a nearby tree and he folds his arms over his chest as you nod your head. “She was a thrall that Ivar fell in love with, freed and then married,” he simply states, shrugging his shoulders as you tilt your head at him, urging him to continue. “She was the first person Ivar loved who wasn’t our mother. But she...” he stops, dropping his gaze to the grass. 

“She what?” you urge, stepping closer to him. “What did she do?”

“I can’t tell you,” he snaps, glaring up at you with a somewhat sad expression. “Ivar might kill me if I do,” he states, shaking his head. “Just know that she betrayed him and it didn’t end well. For anyone,” he says, looking at you with pleading eyes. “This is something that he must tell you.”

Biting the inside of your cheek and folding your arms over your chest as you glance back down to the side. “He won’t tell me anything about her, Hvitserk,” you say after a while for silence. “He wouldn’t even tell me her name so what makes you think he’ll tell me what she did?” you question, dropping your arms to your side as you step towards him. 

He licks his lips and contemplates his words. “I know,” he sighs, pushing himself off the tree. “Ivar is stubborn. You two have that in common,” he chuckles, making you smile at him and share in the laugh. He breathes a loud, long sigh, drops his arms to his side and steps closer to you. “You have to promise me that you will not tell him what I’m about to say,” he begs, now standing in front of you as you lift your gaze back to him. You nod your head at him and wait for him to speak. “Ask him about Baldur. It might get him to talk.”

Walking back to Kattegat, away from the solitude of the woods, Hvitserks words ring through your head. You think about what he said about you still being that woman that lead the animalistic army you called your family for years. But then his words about her, about Freydis, run through your mind and you start to think about who Baldur is. 

Thought that maybe he was her lover are the first to appear. In all the things you’ve heard about Ivar, there has never been a mention about Baldur. You doubt that he could be his son because of the rumors that Ivar cannot have sons that you had heard. Rumors... Even if it is true, it doesn’t matter to you. You’ll love him regardless if he can or can’t have a child with you. 

You remember hearing that he strangled his queen. That he strangled Freydis most likely for her betrayal. That story had completely left your mind as you got closer to Ivar and fall in love with him. Not that remembering that changes anything. It was part of the reason why you wanted to meet him in the first place. The reason that you sort him out because you were curious. 

“I see you’ve finally decided to come back,” Ivar’s voice pulls you out of your thoughts as you walk into the throne room. He’s sitting on his throne, leaning with his elbow on the arm-rest as his cold eyes stare at you. “You’re spending more time in those woods as the days go by.”

You glare at him and place your hands on your hips, taking a deep breath as you lick your lips. “Maybe I’m still a wild animal,” you lightly sneer, slowly stepping towards him. “You are aware that it is hard to tame a wild animal, right?” you question, standing a few steps away from him as he takes in a deep breath.

He bites his lower lip, sending a warning glare towards you and you send one back. “And what if that wild animal chose to stray from her pack?” he questions, trying to hide a chuckle in his voice. 

“Then you shouldn’t make that animal regret their choice,” you state, crossing your arms over your chest as a sly smirk tugs at your lips. 

“And do you?” he questions, making you breathe out and drop your arms to your side. 

Shaking your head, you take the few steps toward him and sit on his lap. “I don’t regret anything, Ivar,” you say, placing your hands either side of his face. “Not leaving my pack, not marrying you,” you smile, stroking the tops of his cheeks with your thumbs as his eyes flutter shut and he leans against your touch. “It just breaks my heart that you don’t trust me enough to tell me how Freydis betrayed you.”

His eyes snap open at her name and he softly glares at you. “Why can’t you just leave it be?” he questions, running his hands up the sides of your thighs and resting them on your hips. “Just forget about her.”

“Forget about her,” you repeat, making him his head as he leans forward to place his lips against your neck. “And about Baldur?” you question, Ivar freezing at the name before harshly pulling away from you. 

Glaring up at you, his eyes turn dark as his fingers dig into your hips. “Who told you about that?” he questions, moving his hands to harshly grab your wrists. “Tell me who told about him,” he demands, his voice rising as you struggle to pull your wrists out of his grip. 

Reaching for the knife attached to your belt, Ivar reaches for the ax by his side and holds it to your throat as you press the blade of your knife against his neck. You both glare coldly at each other, hands wrapped tightly around your weapons with the look and pure rage in your and Ivar’s eyes. “Tell me who Baldur is,” you order, raising your head in confidence as the blade presses against your skin.

“He was her son,” he confesses after a long minute of silence. But he doesn’t withdraw his ax from your neck. “She lied to me, told me he was my son when she was just a whore,” he hisses, leaning closer to your face. 

You push him back away from you, tightening your grip around the handle. “You killed her because she fucked another man,” you state, he nods his head slightly as his jaw tenses. “And what about the child? You killed him too because he wasn’t yours?”

“I’ve killed people for less than that,” he chuckles, shaking his head at you as your mouth hangs slightly open. “But he was also deformed. He wouldn’t have survived a week.”

“I’m sure your father thought the same thing when you were born and yet here you are,” you sneer, pressing the blade against his throat when he does the same. “Tell me, Ivar. If it were your son, if it was our child, would you have done the same thing?” you question, leaning closer to his face. “If I gave you a son and he was a cripple, would you kill him too?”

Ivar glares coldly at you, his free hand gripping the roots of your hair and pulling you back. “I cannot produce an heir. So, what makes you think that you will be pregnant by my seed?” he snaps as you hiss in pain at the force of the tug. 

“You thought that you couldn’t satisfy a woman in the past,” you bark, withdrawing the blade from his neck as he lets go of your hair. “So, what’s to say that you cannot produce an heir?”

He laughs, pulling the ax away from your neck before wrapping his hand around your neck. “I told you now who Baldur was. Now you will tell me who it was that told you that name,” he demands.

You swallow harshly as a chuckle leaves your lips. “Or what? You’ll kill me too?” you taunt, your falling when you see the contemplation in his eyes. Roughly pushing out of his grip, you step back away from him. “You would.” He tilts his head to the side as you shake your head violently. “Fuck you,” you hiss and turn on your heels to walk away, tears lining your eyes as you cover your hand to hide the small sob escaping your lips.

Tags:@rororo06 @tephi101 @flokidottir-imagines-br @mad4oak @nerdypisces160 @xinyourdreamsx @walkxthexmoon @youbloodymadgenius @chipster-21 @poisonous00 @mblaqgi @lol-haha-joke @inforapound @twilight-loveer @strangunddurm @karoe13chan @ciochesono @faeeryy

[crystallized-shadow]

Chapter: 1/1 Rating: Mature Pairing: Madara/Tobirama Word Count: 2567 Warnings: Swearing, blood, betrayal, character death, forced to take part in a ritual Summary: It's been over 1000 years since Tobirama and Madara spent the Winter Solstice together and Tobirama swears it won't end like last time. But can Tobirama keep such a promise?

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As happy as Tobirama was that his summer was back, he realized he might have forced the awakening too soon. Madara was neither the god he'd loved for innumerable ages nor the human reincarnation, but something in between the two. The winter god knew it was painful for the summer god, all too aware of his missing power but unable to reclaim it. That being said, Madara's idea was stupid and he wasn't going to let it happen.

"No."

"You can't tell me no," Madara huffs, crossing his arms over his chest as he glares his eternal partner, "I'm still the master in this relationship, you are my summon."

"You were never my master," Tobirama points out, getting right in Madara's personal space, "you are mine and I will not lose you to those monsters again."

"Tobirama," Madara sighs, "I can't not go, I've gone every year."

"That was before you reawakened the powers they originally stole from you." Tobirama states, seeing the flame in Madara's eyes waver just enough that he knows he's getting through to him. "Please my summer," he pleads, pressing their foreheads together and staring deep into the other's eyes, "I've already lost you once, I won't survive losing you a second time."

Madara closes his eyes for a long moment before reopens them, his sad gaze finding Tobirama's easily. "I am so sorry I put you through that my winter, but I have to go," the summer god mutters, pressing their lips together in a chaste kiss, "not only would it be odd for my human half to miss it, but I need to get my power back, this half revival is killing me."

"There must be another way."

"There isn't and you know it."

"If you go I won't talk to you for the next millennia," Tobirama states with a huff, turning away from Madara to avoid the summer god seeing just how hurt he is right now.

"If I don't go I won't be around in a millennia," Madara points out, rolling his eyes, "I need my power back or I'll just die again."

Tobirama goes rigid, hating that Madara has a very valid point. Rather than admit he's wrong, Tobirama disappears in a swirl of snow, leaving Madara alone in the human's living room.

Madara just sighs, shaking his head at Tobirama's childish actions before he goes to gather the few things he'll need for the trip. It wasn't as if he didn't understand Tobirama's hesitance to let him near the Uchiha, he didn't want to be on the same plane as them, let alone trapped in a room with them, but he truly had no choice. True reincarnation, especially for a god as powerful as himself, took millennia upon millennia to happen naturally. Normally it would have taken at least another 9 millennia or so before his fellow seasons should have been able to sense him; at which point they would have been able to help him reclaim his lost powers. However since Tobirama had found him so much earlier, and reawakened his soul, Madara had little choice but to speed the process up or risk starting it all over again. Without the other gods able to sense him, and Hashirama currently pissed at him for stealing Tobirama, Madara knew the only god he might get help from is Tobirama, if the winter god can stop pouting long enough to actually be helpful.

Much too soon for Madara's liking he's standing before the Uchiha's meeting place. Now that he remembered his past, he couldn't help but admire the amount of balls Tajima must have had to select here of all places for the Uchiha's "ancestral shrine". The fact that this place had survived Tobirama's rage for over 1000 years is even more impressive, he knew his death site was always the epicenter of a truly horrifying blizzard each year. Steeling his nerves, Madara takes a deep breath and walks into what he hoped wouldn't turn into his grave again.

Everything goes smoothly at first, no one suspects that Madara is anything but human, until it's his turn to "present an issue" to the clan. Finding himself in the center of the room where he had once died, it takes every ounce of willpower he has to keep his voice steady as he speaks.

"Honorable elders," Madara greets with a proper bow, his father had beaten manners into him at a young age, "thank you for agreeing to hear my rather unorthodox request."

"It's rare you wish to speak to us at all," the oldest elder mutters, drawing a puff from his pipe despite his wife's frown, "for someone rumored to be the great Tajima's reincarnation you don't usually take an active part in our clan."

"Cut the boy some slack dear," his wife chides, "he's still young enough that clan politics probably bore him to tears."

"What did you wish to speak with us about Brother?" Obito questions, drawing Madara's eyes to his older brother's scarred face; the elder Uchiha had been caught in one of Tobirama's avalanches and would always bare the marks. Fitting Madara found himself thinking, since Obito acted more like Tajima than he ever had.

"I met the God of Winter," Madara states, his tone even and his eyes hard, "he claims our powers weren't freely given, but stolen from the God of Summer. Our clan is responsible for the seasons being thrown out of balance; we need to return our power to the gods."

"You are aware of what you're asking us, correct?" Obito asks, his lone eye flat in a way that makes Madara nervous.

"I am, but we are already a strong clan, returning what was stolen won't hurt us." For a long moment no one speaks and Madara resists the urge to fidget under the unimpressed looks the elders are sending him. He was beginning to regret not listening to Tobirama.

"How do you know the seasons are off balance?" Obito asks instead, making Madara's brows furrow in confusion.

"What do you mean Brother? The ancient texts Father made us read talk about it."

"You mean the ancient texts that no Uchiha has ever been able to decipher?" Obito presses and Madara feels his blood run cold. "Why would the winter god appear before someone from the clan it hates?"

"What are you saying?" Madara mutters, pulling his weakening magic to his fingertips, ready to launch enough fireballs to escape.

"What I'm saying," Obito begins with a cruel smirk, a flare of his magic activating the runes around Madara, "is we've known the truth about you since you were a child; our little summer come back to strengthen us once more."

The runes glow brightly, and Madara feels a very familiar flash of horror, before his magic is forcibly shoved back into his core and a scream is torn from his throat as he collapses to his knees. "Please...Brother, don't do this..." Madara pants, glancing up at his brother through his bangs, praying he can reach the older man.

Obito's face remains impassive as he leaves his elevated perch and walks down to stand above Madara. "You have never been my brother," he states, disgust tainting his words, "you're nothing more than fodder to strengthen my great clan."

Terror grips Madara's soul as the truth crashes into him like a tidal wave; the elders had always known the truth. His clan had never forgotten how they got their power; instead they were just waiting for him to do this so they could repeat Tajima's actions once more. Darkness licks at the corners of Madara's vision as he feels Obito flare his magic once more. The glowing runes around him slowly crawl onto his skin, burning like brands, and Madara bites through his lip in an effort to hold back a blood curdling scream. When unconsciousness mercifully pulls at him, Madara just lets himself fall.

Madara comes to some time later with a scream, a burning knife stabbing through his wrists and pinning him to the center of the rune circle that still haunts his nightmares. It takes him a second to remember his family betraying him, but when he does, Madara just looks up into his brother's cold eye, resigned.

"Not going to fight me?" Obito sneers, crouched beside Madara with the ceremonial dagger in one hand.

Madara doesn't bother to answer, doesn't see the point; his magic was sealed and without Tobirama at his side he was done for. "You won't survive winter," he mutters because he knows Tobirama will wipe the Uchiha clan off the face of the earth before he succumbs to the madness he'd threatened early.

"We'll take its power too," Obito chuckles, "all the seasons will fall to us."

"Will we now?" An icy voice mutters, the tone making every Uchiha shudder in fear while Madara can't help but grin. Obito slowly turns to face the newcomer, unsure of what to make of the pale man leaning against the wall just outside the reach of the runes binding Madara.

"And who the fuck are you?" He demands, frowning at the sound of wind rattling through frozen trees that greets his question. It takes him a moment to realize the pale bastard is laughing at him.

"I am the God of Winter," Tobirama chuckles, his grin as sharp as the ice he commands, "and you have something of mine."

"Summer belongs to the Uchiha!" Obito growls, standing up to face the god, "once we take its power again we'll take yours too!"

"Have you ever wondered why Summer's power can be stolen only on this day?" Tobirama questions, raising one pale eyebrow when the Uchiha glare at him.

"Summer is weakest on the Winter Solstice, everyone knows that!"

"That is true, because Winter is strongest today," Tobirama points out, freezing the ground with barely a spark of magic. As the ice slowly creeps up the Uchiha's legs, Tobirama finally pushes off the wall and walks toward Obito. "Your despicable ancestors stole Summer from me once, you won't steal him again."

"Fuck you!" Obito snarls, a great blast of fire bursting from him, melting the ice holding him. He catches Tobirama by surprise, the god hadn't expected anyone with fire magic that strong, and he manages to graze the god's cheek with his dagger. "I will make you pay for mocking my clan!"

Tobirama braces himself for another blast of fire, ready to counter it this time, however it never comes. Instead the ball of fire melts away the ice covering the runes around Madara just as Obito activates them. Madara's scream as his magic is torn away stabs right through Tobirama's heart and before he can stop himself, he is lunging for Madara, his ice breaking the circle once more.

"Too easy," Obito mocks, plunging his dagger into Tobirama's exposed back. Or at least he tries too, surprised when a spike of black ice suddenly impales him. Obito's eye travels from the ice to Madara as the dagger clatters uselessly to the ground. "H-how...?"

"I won't let you..." Madara pants from his half-crouched from, wrists bloody and torn from escaping the knife, "touch my winter..." Madara sways, collapsing into Tobirama's waiting arms.

"Always so reckless my summer," Tobirama mummers, gently easing his magic into Madara to heal his wounds even as he fully encases the Uchiha in ice. The bastards wouldn't die yet, not with their stolen fire magic, but Madara needed them alive to extract his power.

"You came..." Madara mutters, nuzzling into the fur surrounding his lover's neck, "thought you were mad at me."

"I’m furious," Tobirama states, carding a hand through Madara's wild mane, "but that doesn't mean I'd let you die."

"Thank you."

The two lapse into an easy silence as Tobirama heals Madara's wounds and gets the branded runes off him. Once the summer god is steady on his feet again, he looks at the people he thought were his family.

"You brought this on yourself Brother," Madara mumbles before he gathers his magic once more, muttering an ancient spell in a language only Tobirama understands.

Tobirama watches as the spell works, watches the stolen magic finally return to its original owner. The changes happen more slowly, first Tobirama feels the bound that had held him as Madara's summon fade away after all a god had no use for a summon. Next pale skin darkens to the sun scorched color only Madara had ever possessed, a lovely shade Tobirama had missed dearly, while dark hair loses the rigidity only humans had. The moment Tobirama knows his summer is back is the when molten eyes slowly blink open and find his.

“Welcome back,” Tobirama murmurs, afraid this is just another dream.

“My winter,” Madara grins, teeth sharp as familiar glowing symbols appear on the visible skin, “thank you…”

Tobirama’s heart beats painfully as he drinks in the sight of his summer, it had been too long since he’d seen his eternal partner in all his glory. His joy quickly turns to worry when Madara sways again and only his arm around the older god’s waist keeps him up right. “Madara!?”

“I’m fine,” the summer god mutters, even as he leans heavily on Tobirama, “just tired…”

“Ah, I suppose you really can’t feel the power you just got back,” Tobirama chuckles, though it sounds a little strained even to his own ears. It would make sense that Madara’s power was still largely absent, it was still Tobirama’s solstice after all, but he was still concerned about his eternal partner.

“Take me home?” Madara requests, his voice quiet in a way that suggests a deeper hurt.

“Of course my winter,” Tobirama mutters, brushing a kiss against the other’s forehead. It’s very telling when Madara doesn’t fight being swept up into a bridal-style hold; if Tobirama shatters the Uchiha icicles in his anger, well Madara doesn’t seem to notice. The two gods disappear in a swirl of snow before a record shattering storm wipes the entire compound off the face of the earth.

Madara barely stirs as they reappear in his human house, and Tobirama frowns as he lays the newly reborn god on the bed. It was clear Madara had been deeply hurt by the Uchiha, betrayed by the ones he thought he loved, and he would need some time away from the other gods to heal. Tobirama is just selfish enough to hide away both their magics, he wanted to keep Madara to himself for a little longer.

“You’re thinking too loudly,” Madara grumbles, cracking one eye open to glare at his partner, “I’m trying to sleep.”

“Now who said you get to sleep?” Tobirama chuckles, gracefully dropping down on the bed and pinning the weaker god under him. “I seem to recall making you a promise on the last solstice we spent together.”

“You did?” Madara mutters, his brows furrowing in confusion. It takes him a few moments to remember the last time he’d been with his winter like this, so many centuries ago, but when he remembers a lovely blush colors his cheeks. “With how tired I am, you might be able to keep me out until Spring, if you’re lucky.”

“One day you will learn to stop doubting my skills,” Tobirama chuckles, leaning down and claiming Madara’s lips in a searing kiss that chases all the bad thoughts away.

[dammitadolfnomorecake]

Lance didn’t see it as running away. “Running away” suggested he could run, not simply rolling himself around in the wheelchair that Shiro insisted he use until he was safely out of sight. He hadn’t given up his baby sitting duties, not once Krolia was released from the pod, nor when Curtis was released. His friends were all being overly careful not to mention Keith’s status. A status that had only sent him into a deeper pit of depression. After a movement in the damn pod, Keith had finally been released. Lance should have been happy, his husband was released after all... only, he hadn’t woken. One quintant ticked into the next, then the next... and the next, and into a whole new movement. Keith had been left in a coma, despite being placed into a pod within vargas of the attack. This wasn’t how it was supposed to be. He could touch him. He could hold him, but no matter what he did, Keith wouldn’t respond. Now Lance was striking out on his own... through a series of what Keith would call “bad choices”. First came disregarding Shiro’s insistence that he rest. Keith was moved into the same room as him and Curtis, and after what had felt like a movement of hellish torment, all he’d wanted to do was curl up with his husband. At the time, no one had predicted that Keith wouldn’t rouse from his stint in the pod. Cuddling into him, Lance had been determined to be there when he woke. Then when Keith hadn’t, he’d gone slightly mad... slapping his unconscious husband hard across the face when he refused to wake up and show him those deep amethyst eyes he loved so dearly. Shiro had pulled him off, ordered him to sleep in his own bed, livid with him for his actions. That was when he started planning. Feeling guilty that his boyfriend had woken when Keith hadn’t, Lance had managed to get his comms returned to him by manipulating that guilt uncomfortably, he’d then called through to obstetrician and okayed the surgery that he hadn’t wanted when Keith was there to babysit him and keep a watch for any symptoms he may miss. Surrounded by friends and family, he shouldn’t have felt as alone in his pregnancy as he did. Without Keith to ground him, he felt lost and reckless. He had no idea what to do or what choices to make. He didn’t have the right words to make everyone around him feel better. Pity was plastered on the face of everyone who’d visited him, Zethrid and Ezor were no exception to that. No one wanted to look him in the eyes, leaving him feeling like he was a leper shunned from society. Shay has tried to perk him up by finally asking what an Earth wedding was like, that soon came to an end when Shiro shooed her off “because Lance needs his rest”. He didn’t need rest. He didn’t want rest. He didn’t want Shiro pestering him over if he wanted Coran or Miriam to come stay with him while he was confined to his hospital room. His Mami had made it very clear that she wanted him to come back to Earth while Keith lay there comatose. Veronica had explained everything to her, he could see it in her eyes as when they’d spoken. The way she paused that fraction of a tick too long as she tried not to reveal the truth of the matter to him. Everywhere he looked was another “betrayal”. None more so than his husband who refused to wake up.

“Sneaking” out the infirmary as everyone slept wasn’t easy. Shiro heard the creaking of the wheelchair when he’d climbed out of bed jolting awake mid-snore to ask where he was going, Lance smoothly lying as he stated he was going to pee. His catheter had been removed when they finally let him shower himself, and he wasn’t afraid of blood so his IV cannula was soon removed too. They were someone else’s problem. With the bathroom next to the room’s door, Shiro didn’t move from Curtis’s side as the door let out its usual soft whoosh. Kosmo’s nails clicked on the stone flooring as his fur son stayed by side. Once sure that his footsteps wouldn’t arouse suspicion, he climbed from the wheelchair only for Kosmo to growl at him until he sat down again. His wolf was a dirty rotten traitor, but he also knew how well loved he was and how to use those big puppy dog eyes on him. Rising slower, Kosmo growled again, his mouth finding Lance’s hand in an attempt to stop him

“I know. I know, Kosmo. I have to go. It’s for the sake of the twins”

Kosmo may be the dumbest wolf in the universe, but that was only when he wanted treats and pats. Lance knew he understood everything perfectly. If he didn’t, he wouldn’t react to situations he did. Whining at him, Lance ruffled the fur between his ears

“I know you don’t like it, but it needs to be done... I can’t stay here. It’s... it hurts too much. I keep waiting for your dad to wake up, but he’s left me here and I can’t go with him or to where he is... I’m not strong enough to keep watching over him like this... he won’t wake up... no matter what I do...”

Kosmo whined at him, not happy he’d left the company of the others but Lance had made up his mind. He was falling apart from the inside out. He knew he was breaking in an entirely different way and to stay would only cause troubles.

Creeping through the corridors, Lance headed to Keith’s quarters. He had clothes at the outpost, but he needed his work comm back. Shiro hadn’t let him have that one, so when Krolia had lent him her comms to show him a video of Kolivan sitting up and snoring with Korra asleep in his arms, he’d set up permission for him to take a pod and have wormhole to Erathus opened. He felt guilty betraying her, yet he’d never get off the damn planet if he hadn’t. Opening the door to Keith’s quarters, he jumped visibly as he was caught in the act. Krolia was sitting on Keith’s bed, Korra and Kolivan not there to witness his shame

“I had a funny feeling I’d be seeing you tonight”

Rubbing his stomach to hide how much Krolia had scared him, Lance stared at his baby bump, suddenly fascinated with the fabric of his plain black top

“What are you doing here?”

“I was notified you’d left the infirmary. I’m well aware of the arsenal that Keith keeps under his bed. I cannot allow you see Krystaal in your current state of mind”

Krolia thought he was going to see Krystaal? Dios knew he wanted to. He wanted to shoot the arsehole in the face, but he was smart enough to know that he couldn’t get down there to see him without everyone knowing

“Who said I wanted to see him?”

“Lance...”

Lance shot her a glare. He was tired of all this tiptoeing around

“Krolia”

“You should be resting...”

“I’m done with resting. I’m sick of that room”

“You haven’t...”

“I haven’t what, Krolia? Go on. Tell me what I haven’t done. Tell me what I don’t know. I’m done Krolia”

“Lance, Keith wouldn’t want you...”

“He wouldn’t want what?! He wouldn’t want me talking to Krystaal? He wouldn’t want me talking to the piece of shit who put him in a fucking coma?! He wouldn’t want me being treated like I’m made of glass? What am I supposed to do? He might never wake up! And none of you are treating me...”

“We’re worried about you. You were doing so well. Then you took my comms and scheduled a wormhole to Erathus. What were you going to do? Kill Krystaal? Take him hostage? He’s not talking to anyone”

Lance let out a bitter laugh, twisted with a touch of madness

“Of course this has to be about Krystaal. You couldn’t imagine it being about anyone else, could you? I was doing well? You mean I was keeping my damn mouth fucking shut and letting all of you decide everything for me. Tell him the damn truth, Krolia. Keith won’t wake up. He might never wake up. He’s as good as dead”

Flying off the bed, Krolia stormed over to him, slapping him across the face. Shocked, Lance clutched his cheek, tears welling and rushing to roll down his face

“I’m disgusted how little you believe in him”

“That sounds about right. I’ve always been disgusting. The only difference is that now you all have Keith to explain it away. Poor Lance. Who do we pass him onto now that Keith’s up and gone? We can’t leave him alone. We can’t let him make his own decisions or even let him leave the planet to see his obstetrician. No. He’s a murderer. Obviously he’s planning the murder of Krystaal! Everything has to always be about Krystaal!”

“You’re the one obsessed with Krystaal! Your medical care has been transferred here”

“You decided that! Keith knew that wasn’t what I wanted. He knew! I’m brain damaged, not stupid. I know I can’t see him. You all this in too fucking fragile too handle it! None of you trust me. I’m done with being treated like this!”

“You’re the one...”

“Don’t you dare turn this back on me because you can’t make him talk! Hack his memories. Inject him with a truth serum. Torture him! Do something fucking more than acting like you care when all you care about is the fact I’m carrying your grandchildren! Rest. You all tell me to rest because I’m pregnant. You tell me to rest because of the twins! Don’t get out of bed because it’s bad for them!”

Krolia grabbed his left wrist so hard he felt as if it was bruising immediately

“You think it’s that easy. I have never seen you act so childish”

“You’re hurting me!”

Growling at Krolia, Kosmo raised his hackles. When Krolia shot him a glare, his cowardly fur son sat, though he kept his teeth bared.

“What’s going on here!”

“Let me go!”

Saint Shiro had found him far too fast, Krolia also seemed surprised that a former Black Paladin’s presence

“I’m taking Lance to see Krystaal. He seems to think we’re all relaxing while Keith remains unresponsive”

Tugging at his wrist, he couldn’t get free of Krolia’s hold. Part of him was seriously starting to panic with his plans being so thoroughly unrailed

“Let him go, Krolia”

If anything, Krolia’s hold tightened causing him to whimper

“He’s given up on Keith. He used my comms to approve a wormhole off planet”

Krolia was so angry that Kosmo growled at her again, pawing towards him as he didn’t know what to do with two of his humans fighting

“Lance? You were planning on leaving?”

Shiro sounded hurt. Great. Just fucking great

“He was planning on taking his revenge of Krystaal then leaving. He’s given up on Keith. He said we should tell Krystaal Keith is dead”

“No I wasn’t! I told you it had nothing to do with him! Let me go!”

Shiro caged him in from behind, reaching around him, his fingers started prying Krolia’s hand off his wrist

“Then what were you doing? You never planned on coming back from the bathroom, did you”

As Shiro’s hands start trying to free his wrist, Krolia let go. Lance clutching his wrist to his chest, with Shiro continuing to remain behind him

“Lance? What were you planning on doing?”

“I have an appointment with my obstetrician... I wanted to go to my appointment but none of you cared about what I want. You took it upon yourselves to decide all of this and to tell me nothing. At least Kolivan as honest with me. He told me what was going on... I came to get a few things because I wanted to do this on my own. I can’t keep watching him sleep. He won’t wake up... I can’t wake him up”

“Lance... you could have talked to us”

“You keep telling me to rest. You keep talking at me...”

“Shiro, his medical care has been transferred here, to us”

Shiro knew his issues with previous obstetrician. He also knew how happy they were to have found someone who treated him like a human

“Krolia, let Lance talk. Lance, you have an appointment?”

Lance nodded, Krolia shifted her weight causing him to bump back into Shiro who placed his hands on his shoulders

“She was... my doctor was formulating a plan to help with the bleeding, if I was still bleeding. And with my medication... and stuff. You know what it was like... but she was confident. We liked her. We were supposed to be planning things together. She tells me the truth”

“You should have told us. You can’t go running off when things get to hard”

“Krolia, that’s enough. Lance, you can’t leave on your own. Did you call anyone to meet you there?”

“How could I when none of you let me have any privacy?”

Shiro sighed deeply. Yeah, Lance was going to hold onto his anger over that. They’d all treated him exactly how he hated to be treated, except for Kolivan but he was Krolia’s partner so it’d be weird not to be slightly mad at him... but he wasn’t mad at him the same time. The man was more awkward than Keith had ever been

“You’re not going on your own”

“Then I’ll call Daehra. I can’t do this Shiro, I’m not as strong as you. I can’t sit here and wait for my husband to maybe wake up... He left me... He wanted... I was bleeding and he chose you... I could feel it and he chose you... when I begged him not to go. If I’d been stronger he... he wouldn’t have had to shield me. He wouldn’t be like this! This is my fault... all my fault. Please... please let me go. I need to know what’s happening with his babies”

Shiro forced him into a tight hug. Still scared from Krolia’s outburst and his throbbing wrist. Disappointment had clouded her expression, he felt sick to the stomach from being the cause of it

“Why do you always keep it inside until it comes to this? I can take you. Curtis is awake, watching over...”

“No. Dios... I don’t want a baby sitter! I don’t need a baby sitter. I want to go. I need to go”

“Lance, you can’t. What if you had a seizure? What if no one was there and something went wrong?”

“Then it happens... if Keith isn’t awake, then what does any of this matter? Everything is broken and once again I came second best to you. We can’t compete with you...”

Each word was a spiteful barb aimed at Shiro’s heart. He was lashing out with words he didn’t want to say but had no way of stopping them now that he’d snapped. He didn’t care if he died mid-surgery. He could be a good father to their sons without him. He couldn’t even take care of himself as they’d all proven

“... I want to go back home. Back to my outpost. I want to go back to where I don’t feel like this... I want my brother... I want Marco... I can’t keep walking on eggshells like this. You won’t let me see, Krystaal. You won’t let me get any kind of closure over why he had to hurt Keith like that... or why he betrayed everyone”

Marco would help him figure this out. Veronica worries too much, as did his Mami. Marco worried but he worried in the right ways... not this “lock down and wrap him in cotton wool” quiznak style everyone else was employing. He didn’t know he’d wanted Marco until he’d said it...

“Krolia, you can return to your quarters. Keith and Lance both decided they were going to Erathus for help with Lance’s pregnancy. Lance had a pretty rough time on Altea, Keith was scared yet excited for his next scan. We need to respect his decision on his pregnancy. However, Lance, you’re not going to get any answers from Krystaal. I can take you to see him, but he hasn’t spoken. In return for taking you, Daehra, and Marco will be required to meet you on Erathus, where I will deliver you into their care myself, and you’ll take Kosmo. He knows when you’re stressing and knows when a seizure is coming on. Keith would want him with you. Also, I want you to see Keith before you leave. I want you to be sure of this. He will wake up. Is there anything here you want to bring him?”

With Krolia in their space, angered by him and his actions, their safe space felt tainted. He knew how stressful being a mum could be, he’d seen it in Lisa and his cousins. Plus she had an empire to run and a son in a coma... and it’d been 25 years since the first time around... There were lots of things he wanted to take to Keith. The blade he kept under his pillow. Keith’s own pillows and his favourite blanket. His own clothes. Photos... ultrasound scans... the thought of them felt like they were making a shrine around Keith’s bed... but...

“There’s a box in his bedside drawer. He’d want that...”

Inside the box was Krolia’s memories of Keith and his father. Keith had needed a little time to sort through the box and find the words he wanted, before he’d finally opened up to him. Laying in bed, cuddled up in Keith’s arms with his back to Keith’s warm chest, his husband had pulled the small pile of photographs out from under his pillow. Lance had no idea that Keith had kept them there. Keith didn’t remember everything from his childhood, no ever did from that age and there came a point where you hear a story so many times that you fool yourself into having that memory, but he’d started talking. Those days when his father would burn dinner spectacularly so they’d settle down and eat cereal while watching cartoons. The times his dad would come stinking of smoke, only to pick him up onto his hip and place his helmet on his head. The times Keith tried to help in the kitchen, sitting on the kitchen bench and bossing his father about. They weren’t all good memories. Memories triggered more memories like an earthquake before a tsunami. Keith growing restless and annoyed at his own tears, spluttering apologies while rolling Lance onto his back and shimmying down to talk to his stomach, telling their twins about their grandfather while Lance played with his hair. His husband content to nuzzle and kiss his stomach as he spoke slowly moving from his father to Shiro, then to meeting him. He was grateful for the memories, though confused and unsure at some points as he’d talked about photos and places. Lance let him talk, for what felt like vargas before his husband finally moved back up to lay by his side, one leg thrown over Lance’s as they shared small and soft kisses. Keith finally able to open up about his life, and his fears of leaving their twins behind. Now he had. Lance wasn’t stupid over how much everyone missed Keith’s presence but they also didn’t need him like he needed his husband. Everyday was a struggle to exist without Keith. He relied on him so heavily to simply be there that without him it was like losing half his body and soul.

“Just the box?”

“Yeah... yeah. He’ll understand”

Bit by bit Keith had left him in, let him fix the pain in his heart until he accepted that his father would be proud of him. More than one nightmare of losing his father had followed, Keith tearfully admitting he missed him beyond words. Lance had promised him that wherever he was, he’d always be watching over him. Having been in space, he’d learned anything was possible... so maybe heaven and hell were a possibility too, or some form of it. He’d told him how his father would be watching over him the same way he’d watch over the twins if anything were to happen. Keith had called him an idiot, but he’d take being an idiot any day of the movement if it meant being there for his husband

“Alright. I’ll get the box. Do you need anything from in here?”

“Just the bathroom...”

“Ok. You go clean up while I get the box and call Daehra. Krolia, I think it’s best you leave now. I’ll check in once Lance is on Erathus”

Krolia looked to him, but Lance didn’t have the words to say. He felt scared of her. Scared of her and her disappointment all over again. To him it felt as if their relationship had been sent right back to square one. She loathed weakness. He was nothing but weak in her eyes now...

Led to see Keith before seeing Krystaal, his husband continued to sleep as Lance kissed him goodbye. His tears dripping onto his husband’s cheeks faster than he could wipe them away, whispers of love against Keith’s lips, even if his idiot husband didn’t deserve it. He didn’t want to leave him behind but he needed space to breathe and to figure out how to live without him all over again. He didn’t know his left from his right with how overwhelmed he was. He loved Keith. He loved him more than all the words he knew to describe his feelings. He couldn’t stop crying as he pulled away from him. Shiro would take over the exercises to stop atrophy from forming, Krolia would take over bathing him. Curtis would read to him, he promised that much as Lance drew in on himself. They had this handled. They didn’t need him there. Tears were still rolling down his face as Shiro led him through the palace. Lance wasn’t sure he knew what he was going to say to Krystaal, he’d given up on having the chance to see him with everyone watching his every move. He still wanted to shoot him in the foot... and slowly move his shots upwards... He also wanted to punch him right his self-centred arseholic face. He also wanted to take the Telula and pick that princess up for a nice long talk, or maybe just launch her out the air lock as she hovered in orbit over her damaged planet.

Reaching the entrance to the cells, Shiro confirmed he had Krolia’s permission with the Galra guiding the hallway. He was mammoth in size, even compared to someone like Sendak, a chill ran down Lance’s spine as he tried to draw away from the man and his strange scent. Pregnancy had made scents a hundred times worse for him, yet with Keith by his side he’d worked hard not to be so scared of each individual Galra’s differing scent. After coping Krolia’s anger, his anxiety left him shaken, and had the man gone to shake his hand he probably would have thrown up on him, or fainted. Both seemed as likely as each other. His skin was already starting to itch with the memory of phantom and unwanted touches by Galra just as big as this guard. A whimpered growl escaped when Shiro placed his hand on his shoulder to silently reconfirm that he wanted this. He didn’t. But he did. He wasn’t sure this was going to help anything, and all it was doing was fuelling the anger he was trying not to give into. He was supposed to be off of Daibazaal by now. He had no idea how much time had passed, but he was sure he’d be cutting it fine in regards to his appointment time. Gnashing his teeth together, Lance was forced to breathe through his nose as he gently pushed forward into a hall of unremarkableness. It’s sterile and cold grey walls were surely enough to drive any prisoner to talking if more traditional methods didn’t work. The walk it’s self was short, only a handful of violet bars flickering through Lance’s peripheral visions before Krystaal was before them.

Sitting on the floor of his cell, Krystaal seemed to be in a mediative pose as Lance and Shiro stood before him. Having had a run in with the same bars previous he knew they’d deliver a small shock if he was to get too close. Hesitant as he raised his gaze from Krystaal’s crossed legs, the first thing he noticed was the carved “y” on his arm. The design crude, cut from the man’s fingernails and bloodied to deliver the full effect. With how Krystaal was posed, and the lingering hues of blood in the air, Lance was pretty confident in his guess that Krystaal had “touched up his work of art” once he’d caught their scents in the hall. He’d thought maybe his infatuation with Keith had caused him to go to such lengths but he’d clearly gone off the deep end

“We’ve come to inform you that Keith passed away approximately three vargas ago, having never regained consciousness”

Shiro’s hand tightened on his shoulder, Lance forcibly removing his hand. No one would stoop so low as to play this hand, no one but him. Everyone else was too damn “noble”, yet Lance found nothing noble about Krystaal’s actions and acted without guilt clouding his conscious. He wanted to hurt Krystaal. He wanted to cut him bone deep

“He sustained catastrophic brain trauma from the last explosion to hit the temple. He was placed into a pod, but the pod cannot restore a brain dead patient. He was held in status until it was ensured that both of his children will live, then removed to be prepared for burial. He also told me about your kiss, and how disgusted it made him feel... to the point he threw up at the memory of your lips against his. Unlike you, my husband was brave, honorable and courageous. He came to me straight after the incident to confess what had happened. He considered you a friend. He took pride in your training and skills. He couldn’t understand what provoked you to kiss him, only that it shattered any and all ties between you the moment it happened. He is dead as a direct result of his actions because you were petty. You will never lay your eyes or hands on him again, nor will you be granted permission to attend his funeral. His children will grow up without their father because of you, and we will go on our with our lives, forgetting you existed. We have no hate for you, only pity. Your actions cost the life of one of the hopes of the universe and for that you will stay locked in here. Banishment is too good for you. The princess already admitted her part in the plan, you’ve been shamed across the galaxy for your attempts to ruin Keith’s life and memory. If you think that mark on your arm scares me, it doesn’t. How could an uneducated half breed as yourself understand what that mark ever meant? I hope you enjoy what crippled freedom you think you retain. And I hope the memory of Keith’s kiss sustains you, is branded on your soul like a brand from an iron. Because your kiss sentenced him to death. I’m done here. I only came to tell you that my husband is gone”

Krystaal’s need for superiority overruled his held tongue. Lance knew he loathed him every bit as much as he did Krystaal

“If Keith was dead, you wouldn’t have come down here to see me. You’re not that kind hearted, Lance”

“You’re right. I’m not. I’m a murderer who’s killed a lot more people for less than what you���ve done. Keith, on the hand, was. I’m telling you for his sake”

“Why would I believe anything you say?”

“No one said you needed to believe me, but the fact you broke your silence means your worried that it’s true. You’re not the strong silent schemer you thought you were. There’s no strength in holding your tongue when the object of your insane and petty jealousy is no longer around. I’m leaving Keith’s here with his family, and don’t see myself returning. My children and I, my family, will be returning to live in the place he wanted to settle down in. I don’t care what you think, I’m done with you. We’re all done with you”

The human mind was amazing when it wanted to be. The coldness Lance projected stilled his racing heart and dries his tears. Everything he’d felt up until that point seemed to vanish away as his face settled on a rather neutral expression. None of this meant anything particularly. He felt no stab of pain in his heart as he described Keith as gone... just a kind of emptiness where that pain should be. Turning, he started to walk away from the cell

“Don’t you walk out on me! You didn’t deserve him! You ruined him! I’m glad he’s dead! Being hated by him to the very depths of his soul means I was never far from his mind in his last thoughts. You’re nothing but a murderer and a whore. A piece of shit stuck to the bottom of his boot! He told me he didn’t even wish for you children! He didn’t wish to be entwined that way with you. He very rarely spoke of you until you returned to ruin him. You might believe he loved you, but if he hated me as you say, then I was in his thoughts as he died and that ultimately means I meant more to than you. You’re an abomination of nature. It’s laughable that you were ever a Paladin”

“You know, for a guy who you say you hate, you seemed to love talking about me. You seemed to really love stalking me. Slandering me across the intergalactic media. Yet, you still mean nothing to me. Klearo means more to me than you. So maybe that means you’re simply so insignificant that I’m going to forget you the moment I walk out the door. You went after “Daibazaal’s Shining Prince”. You have no friends left in the universe, no, they already confessed when they learned of Keith’s condition”

“Keith should have been with his own kind!”

Continuing to walk, each step grew a little easier as the weight on his shoulders lessened. He wouldn’t be surprised if Shiro called to tell him Krystaal had taken his own life sometime over the next few quintants. Keith would grieve, because his husband was a caring idiot, but Lance... he held no sympathy for him.

[wolfpawn]

Once Bitten, Twice Shy Chapter 5

Previous Chapter

Chapter Summary - Paige wakes up next to Tom, both discuss the night before, the only issue is, as they do, the sound of women’s boots stride across the floor downstairs.

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The meal went incredibly well. His mother and sister adored Paige. There was nothing she seemed to say that they could find f ault with. She was, like the night of the gathering in the Cumberbatches and in Tom’s own home the night before, wonderful company. She spoke on a large range of topics, literature, history, politics. When they learnt she had studied in Oxford, it seemed yet another box regarding a worthy partner for Tom was ticked. All the time throughout the meal, Tom watched with trepidation that Paige would finally have enough of the situation and admit the truth, or something would rattle his deception, but nothing did. Paige was the most incredibly patient woman, giving his mother and sister her full attention. Laughing and joking with them as though they knew each other for years. It was a wonderful meal, part of him wished for it never to end, Paige was everything someone could want in a partner as far as he was concerned. He remembered her commented the night before, of how her ex had called her boring. Having been in her presence and, also having been in bed with her, he could very much confirm with complete certainty, that she was not boring in any manner, and the man that had done what he had to her, was nothing more than a selfish prick.

When the time came to pay, Tom could see the determination in Paige’s eyes. He gave a slight shake of his head, hoping to convey that it was his treat, as she had been forced into the situation because of him, but the slight shake she returned told him she would have none of it. He sighed, not sure what way to argue it when his phone vibrated in his pocket. He ignored the device, knowing his mother would scold him for checking it at a meal, something she had practically forbidden but when it kept vibrating, he became worried. He took it out and carefully noted who was calling.

“Thomas.” His mother gave a warning.

“It’s Luke and he has rung four times and sent three messages to pick up,” Tom explained, apologising and walking to a quiet area to see what his publicist wanted.

“My brother is an utter twat sometimes, what is someone like you doing with him, honestly, you could do way better.” Sarah declared as soon as Tom was gone.

Paige, seeing the smile on her face, laughed. “Tom is amazing, honestly, I love just talking to him. He is so animated about his passions, he is so respectful, one of the few men I have ever even gone to dinner with that actually is respectful of women, Mrs Hiddleston, you raised the most incredible man, I genuinely hope you know that. But it’s clear you did that with all three of your kids. The respect he speaks of you and Emma,” She looked a Sarah. “And even how he references the women he has done projects with, or even simply met in passing, honestly, he is a credit to your family.”

Diana gave a proud smile. “I am very glad to hear that. Tom has always been incredibly well behaved on that front. I mean, he had some boyish mischief, but thankfully nothing with regards women, so many men have so little respect.” Paige did not even register that she was nodding, Derek very much front and centre in her mind. If only she had not been so foolish as to waste her time with such a prick, she wished she had met someone more like Tom, considerate and fun. She loved talking to him and she loved his family, but the feeling of rejection, betrayal and heartache came to the fore once more and she shook the idea of perhaps trying to find someone new from her mind once more and instead refocused on merely enjoying some company for a short period. Tom’s family, like him, were lovely people, so she wanted to enjoy their presence.

Tom returned to the table a few minutes later, looking incredibly sheepish. The three women looked at him expectantly. “We’ve been spotted.” He stated. He looked directly at Paige when he spoke next. “Your battery has died, I assume?” Frowning slightly, Paige took out her phone and looked at the screen, pressing the side button only to have his words confirmed when it failed to light up, a red light flashing for a moment, she looked at him and nodded. “Apparently, Oscar is trying to get through to you, after failing, he has instead gotten on to Luke, they are working out what is the best thing to say.” Paige felt her eyebrows raise at his words, Oscar, her PR officer/manager rarely needed to worry about these things with her. “They’re not overly bothered, merely annoyed we said nothing about going out in public and them having nothing prepared.

Paige knew what Tom was saying, she could see it in his eyes, he was pleading and apologising with his eyes for her to go along with it. Internally, Paige swore never to help another person again. It really was true what they say, ‘no good deed goes unpunished’. She looked at Tom, sighed and nodded. It would do her no favours to go against what Oscar was asking her to do on this, she knew that. He only had her best interests at heart, he had ever since the beginning, so she would trust him on this. Tom was a lovely guy, no drinking too much, no drugs, no abusive behaviour to anyone, he was the ‘internet’s boyfriend’, a gentleman, and the only person she knew of that was an ex of his was not going to be bothered by her, so she said nothing more and just nodded slightly. No doubt she would have to talk to Oscar about it later. “I guess we better pay up and deal with the real world again.” She got to her feet, her phone case in her hand, her card in it, adamant that she pay for the meal.

“No,” Tom stated firmly, knowing what she was doing.

“Try and stop me.”

The smirk on her face made it all the more fun for Tom. “You shouldn’t, it’s my family and after everything…”

Paige leant up and whispered into his ear, “If you think this makes up for what I’ve put up with today, you have another thing coming, ‘Hiddles’, You owe me big time for this.” “I thought you weren’t keeping a tab?” He smiled back, loving the clearly playful mannerisms she was displayed.

“I reconsidered.” Tom licked his teeth, seeing the playful look on her face. “I don’t blame you.” He was going to apologise again when the waitress came over. He went to give her his card when Paige took out hers and a twenty-pound note. The waitress took hers and place it in the machine. “But…” “Yeah, you’ve got to speak the language of the working person, they don’t teach you that in Cambridge.” She took the machine and put in her pin number before handing it back to the waitress.

“Did you pay extra for it in Oxford?” “No, actually, that one came from the School of Mum who came from a single parent home, who never got past her GCSEs and who worked her ass off to have fuck all. She married my dad, who went through the bottom rung up way of work to own his own company thanks to some very smart choices and when my brother and I were young, my mum went to night school and learnt how to do accounts and secretary work and with a good loan and the happenstance of the global rise in the economies, my parents lucked out and were able to give me and Mark everything we could ever want, but with respect for people in the position my parents had been in. I did my A-levels having never had to know a part-time job because my parents wanted me to focus on school, but Mum educated me what people on the life of a struggling to get by waitress, including, tipping.” She took her card back and said her thanks to the waitress.

“I tip.”

“But to get your card to be the one taken, you need to tip well and show it from the start.”

“It’s nice to let someone treat you from time to time.” Paige gave an almost scoffing face in retort. “When was the last time you let someone treat you to something?” “I don’t need someone to treat me, I treat me.” “That’s not a valid answer to that particular question.”

“Does it matter?” “Yes,” Tom studied her face curiously. “You see, I think this is part of your issue, you are so used to not being treated that you don’t realise you are not obligated to pay for things.” “I am fully aware I do not need to, but I wished to. I enjoyed this and since we are being honest, be honest with me, when was the last time a woman did not expect you to pay for something without ulterior motives for it?” Tom’s brows rose for a moment before he cast his mind back. In all honesty, Taylor had her own money, but looking back, with her actions with her songs, she made it back tenfold in the end. “Exactly. Allow yourself to be treated, Tom. the fact it is not expected of me is a very pleasant change. I never get cooked a homemade dinner quite as you made.” She turned and went back to the table, satisfied none heard their quiet exchange.

Tom went to the bathroom for a moment, startled by the allure of such an incredibly independent woman, and one so unapologetically so. He liked strong women, it was something he always found attractive, but Paige was unapologetic about it in a manner unlike many others, would make it a point of principal to declare, ad naseum, that they were independent in a manner that seemed to them to be their only defining feature, not simply a part of their overall person.

Paige returned to the table, his mother and sister having seen but not heard the slight argument for who would pay and having seen Paige rise victorious from the situation.

“Thank you.” Sarah smiled. “You know, from your books and your interviews I have read, I knew you were amazing, but meeting you, you’re even more so.” “I’m not perfect.” “No one is,” Diana replied. “It’s the ones that do not admit that who you should be wary of.” Paige nodded, she had met so many like that since she began her career. “So, you will consider going with him to aunt Geraldine’s?”

“I will check my work schedule.” She smiled diplomatically.

When Tom arrived back to the table, he could see from simply looking at Paige that his mother had badgered her more. He gave another apologetic look and suggested they leave.

Diana requested that he bring her and Sarah to Oxford Street so they could go shopping, which he did without complaint. The women said goodbye to the pair quickly, with comments that they would see them again soon and once more suggesting that Paige join the family at the aunt’s event in the coming fortnight. Tom pulled away from the curb and drove off, Paige sitting in the passenger seat, saying very little.

“I don’t even know where to start apologising,” Tom confessed.

“I have learnt a very valuable lesson from this,” Paige commented plainly.

“Don’t say ‘yes’ to me?” Tom hampered a guess, half joking.

“Don’t say yes to anyone. Don’t help anyone.” Tom looked at her, startled, her face was not showing the smile of earlier, instead, it was almost sad. “I try to be nice and I end up getting into a mess.”

“I am genuinely sorry.”

“It’s my own fault. I am a big girl, I have to take responsibility for me.”

Nothing more was said between the pair as the car went through the streets of London until they got to Archway.

“Left at the traffic lights.” Tom glanced at Paige, who was instead focusing on the streets going by. “Anywhere along there is good. My place is down a narrow enough street so I don’t want to be a bother.” “It’s fine, honestly.” Tom stole another glance and felt his guilt rise, she clearly felt awkward. He did too, but clearly, she was more so. He indicated and went left.

“It’s on the right.” She barely spoke above a whisper.

Tom indicated again and waited for further instruction. After a moment, one house stuck out to him. “It’s that one, isn’t it?” He pointed to the second last building from the end. Paige stared at him, startled at his accurate assumption. “It screams ‘You’.” He explained.

“How?” Tom shrugged. “I’m not sure, it just does.”

Paige did not know what to say to that. “I hope I was of help to you for your part.” She went to open the door.

“Paige, I cannot apologise enough to you.” “It’s fine, honestly.” “Evidently not. I have no idea what my Mum said when I went to the bathroom but you have become almost downtrodden since and I feel terrible for that.”

“It’s not something negative. You have an incredible family Tom. I see with Ben that getting to where you want to be in your business is hard, keeping who you are while doing it is even harder. Your Mum is incredible, she is so caring and wants nothing but the best for the three of you and it shows, and honestly, I can see why Sophie always goes on about how incredibly good and how much of a gentleman you are and it is clear your mother is a huge part of that.” “Then why are you so down?” “Because I don’t get the pleasure of doing it again.” She confessed. “Thank you, Tom. I will let you get back to normality and I better get on to Oscar before he terminates our contract.”

“Luke would take you in a heartbeat, I dare say he would love to get rid of me sometimes, I am nothing but trouble when I get started.”

Paige laughed. “Yeah, you’re definitely an undercover Kurt Cobain or Liam Gallagher type personality, aren’t you?”

“I hide it well.” Paige laughed again. “You are by far, one of the most incredible women I have had the pleasure to meet, and I genuinely mean that.” “That’s very kind of you, Hiddles.” She smirked, seeing his reaction to the nickname. “I will hopefully talk to you soon.” “I hope so. Perhaps at one of Sophie and Ben’s dinners.” “Perhaps.” She opened the door, got out and walked towards the house. As soon as she did, a somewhat fat looking ginger cat rushed out from a garden to meow at her. “What?” It meowed again. “Are you seriously on my back about what I do?” Another meow. “You see, this is why she leaves you outside, you are too much of a damn Busybody.”

Tom could not help but laugh at Paige’s interaction with the feline. It was silly but funny to see her act in such a manner. He had, more than once, reacted to animals in a similar manner, it was a good way to be in his opinion. With a final wave to one another, she went into her home and he drove away.

[callededie]

𝐝𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐦  𝐛𝐨𝐲 .      i  still  don’t  get  it  right  sometimes ,  i  just  don’t  get  it  as  wrong .     /      a  STARSCREECH  playlist     !          now  streaming .

title sequence  :      brothers &  —  the wonder years  (  no closer to heaven )      /      edie will likely never forget that he was the one who was with pendulum when everything went wrong. to a certain extent, he knows it cannot be his fault, but there’s a voice that finds volume on dark nights or lonely mornings that are a bit too quiet. the lyrics ‘ we’re no saviors, if we can’t save our brothers ’ puts the word post deluge into context. he’s more determined than ever to make sure that those around him are safe, and that this new world he’s found doesn’t meet the same fate as the one he was born to.     /     we’re no saviours, if we can’t save our brothers. we’re no saviours, we’re no saviours.  

personal  theme  :      be more kind  —  frank turner  (  be more kind  )      /     while it doesn’t always appear as such due to a calm and patient nature, edie is highly aware of the threats any future might bring, he’s seen a world break and knows how little it takes. his home world was not always at war; he was a hopeful kid with a decent childhood, and then things changed. he wants to help keep earth from the same fate, but the truth is he doesn’t necessarily know how to. that fate was never avoided for his people, so he has no guide or blueprints, he is only trying his best. he thinks perhaps just a little bit of kindness, however, might go a long way.    /     history’s been leaning on me lately, i can feel the future breathing down my neck, and all the thing i thought were true, when i was young, and you were too, turned out to be broken and i don’t know what comes next. in a world that has decided that it’s going to lose its mind, be more kind, my friends, try to be more kind

preparation  [  before  the  battle  ]  :      go get your gun  —  the deer hunter  (  act ii: life and death  )      /     edie is a soldier, and has the mindset of one. he’s good at taking orders and will do what has to be done, and retains faith that it is all for a greater purpose. he feels guilt for those they are unable to save, but truly believes that the exemplar are doing the most good that they can. he’s never truly considered the moral implications of having justice placed in the hands a few  ( albeit a few that are so carefully guided, but not with the true consent of the public ), as all the villains they’ve fought he’s seen as true threats.     /     go get your gun, get your gun, imposing penance one by one, you’ve got a virtue in a vice, it forces fate, you’re taking lives, with all the history to guide, you’ve got passion in those eyes, so aim it straight and true, and to those who’ll die, please try to understand, that for those who die we’ve tried the best we can

realization  [  adjustment  period,  part  i  ]  :      dream boy  —  waterparks  (  fandom  )      /     when the american public loved starscreech, edie felt like he belonged on earth. maybe he struggled with the delicacies of human interaction, but people seemed to care for him anyway. when the exemplar disbanded edie came to realize that the world loved an image that had been constructed for him, and the true version of himself was not one that garnered friends in the way he hoped. people had different expectations of america’s first alien, and those expectations were usually that he was a little more human or a little more alien.     /     build your expectations, saturated and inflated, ‘cause i was born to be your favorite. make me complicated, i’m modern and i’m dated, because i was born to be your favorite. build - a - boy, pick my pieces, overjoyed, never leave your heart destroyed, i’m your boy.

rationalization  [  adjustment  period,  part  ii  ]  :      figuring it out  —  swmrs  (  drive north  )      /     edie still hasn’t completely come to terms with what exemplar is, something to inspire and, more than anything, be a source of palatable nationalism. he wants it so badly to be something, for it’s what he’s hitched his identity to. he spent his time in isolation hoping for a return because it is within the context of exemplar that he understands himself, even if it is “made for mass production.” even if it was because “everybody want[ed] to be somebody” that they cared, at least they did. edie continues to rationalize the team as something great and believes a return is what he needs.    /    we’re just scapegoats all too dumb, body paint and day glow, where do trends go when you’re numb? when everybody wants to be somebody, they all care, and everybody wants to know themselves. we’re too scared, we’re still figuring it out. made for mass production, is it hard when you want more? was i made to function, or create, or just get bored?

promise  made  :      fortress  —  mat kearney  (  crazytalk  )      /     edie was quick to adopt earth, and more specifically america, as his purpose. this song is his promise to his new nation and its people when he arrived. when he arrived in the 70s, he was as hopeful as he was still hurting for the world he had lost, and if he could stop needless war and violence from taking even just one planet, he’ll feel as if he has done something meaningful, what he was unable to do when he was younger. however, america adopted him as much as he did it, and they were what allowed him to become the hero he wanted to be.     /       let me be your fortress, i’ll let you in. hideaway your secrets, i’ll carry them. you’re the one i’ve wanted to defend, if you let me be the hero i’ve never been. let me be the war already won, you can be the nation where i come from. we can be the kingdom yet to come, if you let me be the one.

the alien  :      burning man —  dierks bentley  (  the mountain  )      /     the most human thing about edie is how badly he wants to be, perhaps more human than anyone sees. he’s, at his core, a man who’s trying to find himself and help others. he’s calm and obedient, but he has a passion behind his somewhat robotic exterior. he’s constantly trying to both understand and emulate the human condition, without realizing that his desire to fit in is the most humanizing aspect to him.     /      i still don’t get it right sometimes, but i just don’t get it as wrong. i still go a little bit crazy sometimes, yeah, but now i don’t stay near as long. i’m a little bit steady, but still little bit rolling stone. i’m a little bit heaven, but still a little bit flesh and bone. little found, little don’t know where i am. i’m a little bit holy water, but still a little bit burning man. 

controversy  /  conspiracy  :      made in america —  waterparks  (  double dare  )      /     for the most part, edie has been unaware  ( either actually or by sheer force of will )  of the  “ conspiracy  ”  that the exemplar were only puppets. however, that doesn’t mean that those ideas don’t impact the way people see him. to some the alien’s promise of defense and aid was cheapened by his donning of a skintight colored suit and red cape. even he thought that the team was a bit showy at times; however, to him it was a sacrifice that was made to do real good.      /      counting back down from showtime, and selling you a filtered frame. we, we’re made in america, we’re classic hysteria, we’re culture clashing, hazard smashing, maybe someone’s. we, we’re made in america, we’re fucked and don’t care at all. aesthetically, yeah, we’re so pleasing.

genesis  :      superheroes —  the script  (  no sound without silence  )      /     while it is often not seen, it is what edie experienced on his home planet that made him into a hero. it’s not that heroism is innate in his form, but something he grew to see as necessary after seeing such total destruction.     /      ‘cause he’s strong than you know, a heart of steel starts to grow. when you’ve been fighting for it all your life, you’ve been struggling to make things right, that’s how a superhero learns to fly. everyday, every hour, turn the pain into power.

rejection  [  adjustment  period,  part  iii  ]  :      save myself —  ed sheeran  (  divide  )      /     between being separated from the team and the strange series of attempts at connection after the exemplar was disbanded, edie found him on unsteady ground. it was a choice to keep himself save to isolate. yet, even as he kept himself separate from the world, he hoped a new one would call to him, or  (  even better  )  that he would be recalled to the team, taking up the mantle he had come to wear.      /      and all the ones that love me, they just left me on the shelf, no farewell. so before i save someone else, i’ve got to save myself. but if i don’t, then i’ll go back, to where i’m rescuing a stranger just because they needed saving just like that.

family  :      one of us —  new politics  (  lost in translation  )      /     when the team was together, they were like family to edie. he had traveled across the galaxy and was alone when he came to earth. while he had taken the entirety of the earth under his wing, at least in his mind, living with the members of the exemplar was the time he felt closest to those around him. a new family to make him feel less alone, and ease the lost of his own family, his own people. edie is loyal to the team, almost in excess. he has their backs no matter what.     /      is this your staring role or just a cameo? who are you living for? when can’t take no more, cause when it rains, it pours. i don’t got much, but i got heart and soul. everybody needs a place to call their home, everybody needs someone to call their own, every when you’re lonely, know you’re not along. you’re one of us, one of us, one of us.

isolation  :      over my head  (  cable car  )  —  the fray  (  how to save a life  )      /     there was a small feeling of betrayal that edie felt when he realized he didn’t quite pass among humans in the way he thought he did, wishing that someone would have told him sooner. maybe then he would have been able to learn the intricacies better before he was on his own again.      /      i never knew that everything was falling through, that everyone i knew was waiting on a cue, to turn and run when all i needed was the truth, but that’s how it’s got to be. it’s coming down to nothing more than apathy, i’d rather run the other way than stay and see, the smoke, and who’s still standing when it clears.

return  /  reunion  :      get better —  frank turner  (  positive songs for negative people  )      /     when edie returned to hq, it was with a feeling of hope. he was sure that this was what he needed. any problems that occurred while the team was on hiatus could be fixed. he’s ready to take on whatever the world throws at them with a brave face, and he’ll encourage his teammates to do the same.     /     i got no new tricks, yeah i’m up on bricks, but me, i’m a machine and i was built to last. i took a battering but i’ve got thicker skin and the best people i know looking out for me. i’m trying to get better because i haven’t been my best. try and get better and don’t ever accept less. take a plain black marker and write this on your chest, draw a line underneath all of this unhappiness. come on now, let’s fix this mess. we could get better, because we’re not dead yet.

nostalgia  :      lost in nostalgia —  the maine  (  lovely little lonely  )      /     even though he was never sure he would answer a call that took him from earth, it was the hope that he would hear one that kept edie from focusing too much on the past. he knew he had to keep looking forward, even if that meant looking somewhere else. yet, there were certainly moments when he slipped back into thinking about the good old days, probably more than he would like to admit.      /      don’t you get lost in nostalgia, no, turn something softer and lighter, yeah. don’t you get lost in nostalgia, no. it’s not too late, it’s not too late.