#I’ve let the community down considerably recently

[venusandsaturnsrings]

The school year finally ended... I hate college SO much :( but I am alive!! I beg for some crumbs of thoughts on Sunday... -chubby darling anon who is very much alive and finally got a mitsuri scale figure <3

putting all of my other fics, blurbs, and asks on PAUSE for this!! congrats!! no more school foorrr… 3ish months!! after dropping out of uni, i’ve been finally considering going back myself for phlebotomy!! canadas health situation is lack lustre rn and the course is less than one year + paid practicum + immediate job placement which is kinda sweet… CONGRATS ON THE FIGURE TOO!! i recently (like a month and a half ago) procured the hatsune miku jirai kei subculture fashion figure and i cannot stress how pretty she is <3 sits on my pc right now bc my shelves are full… ANYWAYS… love you!!

includes: silly sunday hcs, potential story spoilers, maybe ooc im still feeling him out, praise, degradation, riding crops, his hands…, and gender neutral reader!!

very poignantly the hopeless romantic type. he’s always functioned as a ‘singularity’ of sorts and over the years developed a certain fondness of it, even if it hurts. it’s worth noting he vividly reminds me of the line ‘i miss the comfort in being sad,’ from nirvanas ‘Frances Farmer Will Have Her Revenge on Seattle.’ he’s the type of partner to always be stuck in that self-absorbed martyr mindset a little bit.

pragmatic to a fault. Sunday is deeply a skeptic, take his departure from the harmony in favour of the order, as an example. it’s cool because it means you’ll never have to worry about any technicalities but it also means he has a hard time letting go of control or being spontaneous.

very into more subtle romantic gestures and an absolute gentleman. you’ll have flowers at your door at least once a week and he makes sure to take all of your preferences into consideration when planning dates (he will be the one planning). keeps his hand on your lower back most of the time, the waist is far too scandalous!!

not a big texter. he prefers speaking face to face and will call if he can’t come see you. that said, he’ll make sure to like or respond to all of the silly pictures and messages you send, even if it’s a dry ‘haha’ or just a heart. occasionally, you’ll find that he’s sent you a letter, ask about and he’ll shrug and say he simply wanted something more heartfelt if he’s to communicate written. he’s got a special stamp to seal the ones he sends you.

grabs your phone when you go to show him something. no explanation i just feel it in my bones.

although he’s no singer, he’s still a classically trained musician. i imagine he was taught the violin but went on to learn his preferred instrument, the harp, himself. he’s a bit shy about playing so rather than asking, just wait until he thinks it’s late and you’re not around to hear; he’s got quite the set of fingers.

…speaking of fingers, my bread and butter, he’s beyond skilled with playing you. while he enjoys getting down to business, getting to leisurely spread you open and thrum against all your nerves gets him going. could spend hours having you laid out, in his lap, on the floor, wherever, just gently coaxing you open, wet, and pliant for himself.

off of that, he likes you best worn down to soft edges and weak desperation. getting to play the saviour, making you come undone, has him stiff in his pants.

lots of sweet praise and subtle degradation. things like, “you want to be good for me, don’t you my sweet?,” or, “now, now, don’t get greedy on me. be patient, silly thing, and i’ll appease all of your foolish whims,” annddd, “come now, you’ve been so well for me, angel, don’t ruin that with any useless whines.”

he’s not one for being too harsh against you but push the right buttons and you’ll get a ‘dumb’ or ‘stupid’ here and there. Sunday doesn’t curse but he knows his way around how to make you feel inferior and looked down upon.

he likes the power play of staying fully and pristinely clothed while your completely nude, save for maybe a pretty collar he’s got you belled with. if you’re real trouble, say maybe a no good criminal causing problems on Penacony and once arrested you’re at his disposal and oh so pretty, he’ll find a nice muzzle to fix you with.

strikes, no pun intended, me as the type to have an affinity for riding crops over anything else for punishments. you’ll get the same sugarcoated degradation while he comments on how you’re not even good enough to be so close to his gloved hand that he just must use the crop!! (he likes the pretty bruises it leaves).

[srslyscary]

rainy regrets

contents/warnings: SFW, slightly ooc, lowercase intended, hongjoong is being a workaholic as always

including: hongjoong × reader

note: OHHH I BROUGHT SOME MORE ANGSTT 🤷🏻‍♀️ this is some nasty angst but not too nasty 👎🏼

_

the rain poured relentlessly, creating a rhythmic symphony against the windshield of hongjoong’s car. each droplet was a cold reminder of yet another date he had forgotten—a date that had been important to YN. as he navigated the slick roads, his mind was a tumultuous storm of regret and frustration. he knew he had made a grave mistake by not showing up to their recent dates and by failing to communicate. but tonight, he was determined to make things right, no matter the cost.

arriving at YN's apartment building, hongjoong took a deep breath and stepped out into the downpour. His black leather jacket clung to him, drenched and heavy, and his hair quickly became plastered to his forehead. without an umbrella, he was left to soak in the rain, his shoes squelching with each step.

hongjoong approached YN's door with trepidation. his knuckles tapped lightly at first, then with increasing urgency as he waited. the minutes felt like hours as he stood there, rain cascading down his face, mixing with his frustration. finally, he heard the faint sound of the door unlocking.

when YN swung the door open, her eyes were red and puffy, clearly exhausted from weeks of emotional strain. the sight of hongjoong, drenched and shivering, only added to her frustration.

“what are you doing here? you should have gotten the memo that I don’t want to you see right now.” she spoke, her voice strained.

“i’m sorry, YN. I know I’ve messed up,” hongjoong began, his voice barely audible over the rain. “I just wanted to see you. please, let me explain.”

“explain? what’s there to explain, hongjoong? you’ve been ignoring me for weeks. I’ve been left alone over and over again, and you don’t even bother to send a simple text or call. i’m always by myself—‘the girl who’s always alone,’” YN’s voice cracked, a mix of pain and anger.

hongjoong’s heart sank. he could see the toll his actions had taken on her, and it broke him. “I didn’t mean to hurt you. my schedule has been so hectic. I thought I could make it up to you tonight.”

“make it up to me? joong, it’s eleven at night!” YN’s voice rose. “every time you promise to make it up to me, it’s like you’re only making things worse. I understand that your career takes up a lot of your time. I really do. but you could at least let me know what’s going on. I don’t deserve to be left in the dark, feeling like I’m not important.”

hongjoong felt a pang of guilt. he tried to reach out, but YN took a step back. “i’m really sorry. I should have been more considerate. I’m here now. please, let me in. we can talk this through.”

YN shook her head, tears forming in her eyes. “I need more time to think about where we’re going. I’m tired of this. I need you to understand how much this hurts. you’ve left me feeling alone and abandoned… now go home, joong.”

before hongjoong could respond, YN slammed the door shut, leaving him standing in the rain. the finality of the gesture stung more than the cold rain soaking through his clothes. he stood there for a moment, paralyzed by the reality of the situation, before turning and walking back to his car.

when hongjoong finally returned to the ateez dorm, he was a mess. the rain had left him drenched, and he felt a chill settling into his bones. as he walked in, the members were gathered in the living area, chatting and laughing.

“whoa, hyung!” yunho exclaimed, noticing his state. “didn’t know we had a new water feature in the dorm.”

seonghwa raised an eyebrow, a teasing smile on his face. “no umbrella, joong? that’s some dedication to the drama.”

mingi chuckled. “looks like someone’s had a rough night.”

hongjoong didn’t respond. his silence and the expression on his face made the teasing stop abruptly. hongjoong left for his room, and seonghwa, always perceptive to the moods of his friends, noticed the gravity of the situation and decided to check on him.

“hey, hongjoong-ah,” seonghwa said, entering hongjoong’s room. “you look like a sad, soggy puppy. what happened?”

hongjoong lay on his bed, staring up at the ceiling, his clothes still wet and uncomfortable. “I messed up, hwa,” he said quietly. “I forgot about a date with YN… again. when I went to see her, she was so hurt. she’s been feeling alone, and I can’t fix it right now.”

seonghwa’s playful demeanor faded as he saw the pain in hongjoong’s eyes. he sighed before speaking, “you need to get out of those wet clothes before you get sick. Come on, let’s get you into a warm shower and dry clothes.”

hongjoong didn’t move, still staring blankly at the ceiling. “I don’t know if there’s anything I can do to fix this. I feel like I’ve pushed her too far.”

seonghwa gently placed a hand on hongjoong’s shoulder. “you’re not alone in this. we’ll figure it out. but for now, let’s take care of you. a hot shower and some dry clothes might help clear your mind.”

with seonghwa’s encouragement, hongjoong finally got up, reluctantly, and moved towards the bathroom. the warmth of the shower helped soothe his aching muscles and cleared his mind, if only a little. as he changed into fresh clothes, he realized that he had a lot of work to do to mend things with YN.

after coming out from the bathroom, seonghwa was waiting with a warm cup of tea. “I know things are rough right now,” seonghwa said softly, “but don’t lose hope. relationships go through tough times, and it’s up to you to show her that you’re willing to make the effort.”

hongjoong nodded, feeling a mix of gratitude and resolve. “yeah.. you’re right. thanks hwa.”

the other members watched from a distance, sensing the gravity of the situation but respecting their captain’s need for space. the jokes and teasing had stopped, replaced by a supportive atmosphere that showed the true strength of their bond.

hongjoong knew that repairing his relationship with YN would be a long road, but he was determined to put in the effort. As he sat quietly in his room, he reflected on the words YN had said before eventually falling asleep with a heavy heart.

[grelleswife]

Hi! I wanted to ask your opinion on why you enjoy Kuroshitsuji if it isn’t too much to answer. Recently I have been feeling like I’m being ‘punished’ for enjoying Kuro because I always see people talking bad about it and Yana on twitter. 😅 I am well aware Kuro has a lot of issues but I really enjoy the characters and such but the opinions of people about the series kind of has been hurting me as a fan and thus I have been losing interest🥲 I was hoping I can talk to someone who is a fan of Kuro that can help give me some mindset or something. I have been drawing for Kuro for years so I’m quite passionate towards the series and Yana herself and but this has been bugging me. If you can’t answer this it is totally okay and you can delete this ask❣️

Hi, anon! That’s not too much at all! My apologies for the late response; I wanted to make sure I could sit down to properly get my thoughts in order before answering.

My love for Kuro was originally (and is to this day) rooted in the source material. The manga and anime introduced me to some of my most beloved fictional characters, including Miss Grelle—as attested to by my url! 😉 The story instantly had me hooked with its campy hijinks, tragic undertones, and forays into the dark corners of the human psyche. Even with the current lag in pacing, I’m excited to see where the Phantomfam’s adventures take us next! And, of course, I would be remiss without mentioning the artwork. In a visual medium like manga, aesthetics can make or break your enjoyment of a series, and Kuro’s Victorian steampunk flair is perfectly suited to my tastes, especially with the steady improvement in quality as Yana’s honed her craft over the years.

However, particularly during this dry season of short chapters and plodding plot progression, it’s the community that grew up around Kuro that nourishes my love for it the most. Naysayers condescendingly sneer that the fandom is dead, but the incredible art, funny memes, awesome animations, excellent fics (some of which outshine published novels I’ve read), insightful meta and more that I see across my dash and in the tags suggest otherwise. And when we come together (such as during past fandom weeks or @anewp0tat0 ‘s recent event to celebrate the 200th chapter) that display of talent burns even brighter. As a writer, building up lore in headcanons and fic or reading my mutual’s creative interpretations of Yana’s world is just as fun—if not more so—than engaging with the actual manga. That enrichment alone is enough to keep me invested in the Kuroverse for the foreseeable future.

The series also holds considerable sentimental value for me because it served as the catalyst for my queer awakening and brought friends and loved ones into my life who I would never have met otherwise. Even if the day comes when I put Kuroshitsuji on the shelf in favor of other stories, that positive impact will remain.

However, that doesn’t mean that the series or fandom are perfect. Yana’s sleazy past and irresponsible pandering to the gross side of the fandom are an unpleasant reality with which we must contend, as are the fujoshis, transphobes, and other creeps—some of whom proved to be a genuine danger to minors—who continue to give us a bad name. But those people who blindly label Kuro as wholesale trash and accuse all fans of condoning the problematic content merely betray their simplistic, black-and-white way of thinking. We cannot and should not sweep the objectionable aspects of the series under the rug, but we can interact with Kuro critically—recognizing and calling out the areas in need of improvement while also cherishing the best parts of this cursed butler manga. As long as you’re consuming media responsibly, and in a way that doesn’t actively harm others, then you have no reason to feel guilty. You sure as heck don’t deserve to be punished!

Ignore the haters as best you can, and try to focus on what first ignited your passion for Kuro; don’t let those jerks steal your joy. 😤 Alternatively, if you need to take a break from that onslaught of negativity and just rest for a bit, that’s fine, too! There’s no shame in stepping away to recharge, and you shouldn’t push yourself to participate in fandom if doing so is detrimental to your well-being.

I’m sorry to hear that you’ve been having a tough time over on the bird app, but I hope my answer was helpful and that Kurohell can continue to be a happy, welcoming place for you! 🖤

[nothanks98765]

Hi I'm so sorry I looked up and down your blog for any kind of rules and didn't find anything. I wanted to ask about the tarot reading. Been feeling mellow recently and need to hear some good news, anything nice coming in the next year and a half for me? Lmk if something is wrong with my ask. Ty for your time 🙏🍦

You are so absolutely sweet and kind to check out and see if I had any rules or anything- I really appreciate it 🫶 tbh- I’ve had a great experience reading for people on tumblr I think this community is do special and considerate. I love doing tarot readings so much, it feels like a vocation for me. I am so grateful you are open to a reading from me and I’m excited about your question!

Often times when I do a “big” reading about a serious situation I pull a card for good news or advice from spirit. I think its so important to anchor ourselves that way and right away I was drawn to your ask 💖

Lets get into it 🎉🙌🍾

I pulled a set of cards for your goodnews over the next year:

Justice Reversed, Three of Pentacles and the Ten of Swords Reversed.

To be honest- theres lots of good news in this cards but it didnt have the ✨ i was hoping so i pulled one more like let us know what we are looking forward too!!!!

and- Page of Cups!

I’ll start with the original grouping. Out of curiosity- were you in a legal situation of any kind? Okay just bold honesty- it looks like you got away with something. What is unclear. There is an unfair situation that you benefited from. Something maybe went your way that shouldn’t have. It’s important to not lean into this energy too much. The justice card does not play around, you don’t want to be in her sights if you escaped her wrath. If you encounter any legal trouble specifically or if you encounter for instance- someone cheating you out of something or treating you poorly- it looks like the scales of justice will swing wildly in your favor. My advice is cash out and don’t try to get lucky twice.

The three of pentacles!! Okay!! Looks like you will join a team of some sort- it isn’t a friendship and it’s not necessarily work. I wonder if this is a club of some kind. It’ll bolster your leadership skills and give you something to present in the future.

That ten of swords card is absolutely brutal babe- BUT YOU GOT IT IN REVERSE WHOOO. I cannot imagine what a terrible situation you were in that your good news is “it’s over” 😭. I hope you are doing okay. But from a tarot perspective- you went through some shit. betrayal specifically and felt beaten down. But it’s so in the past. All of it is falling away, you are healing. The sun has set on that period and you are born anew. You get to do something completely different and be completely different. I’m happy for you!

These cards are very intense- Especially for a good news reading. They are good but it’s a bit tricky because it indicates a lot of change and a very full plate your upcoming year. A lot of personalities around you, a lot of choices you have to make. Just keep in mind that being true to yourself will always work in your favor.

Page of cups! an incredible good news card. It has many meanings and it means many blessings. There is someone new you fall in love with. In my experience it usually indicates a child of some sort. A niece or nephew or baby cousin. This was pulled for something good so I could see it being a new addition to the family. In love readings it means a big flirt, very playful energy (non committal) if you think this represents more of a love then I could see a sweet fling for this as well. It’s always hard to say w just one card.

I hope you enjoyed this reading and I hope you enjoy all your good luck, success, and new addition to your life in whatever form 💖

[first-impressions-gaming]

The Bookwalker: Thief of Tales

Developed by DO MY BEST

Published by tinyBuild

Release Date 2023

Tested on Xbox Series X

MSRP 13,49 USD

I’ll drop the mic and just say it: The Bookwalker is one of the rare unique games I’ve played in recent years, the game is so successful at being a memorable experience for the player without trying too much or attempting to implement plot-twists here and there, I checked The Bookwalter after watching release trailer, and there was one scene that caught my eye particularly (which you can find below), if you played Disco Elysium you will recognize what I mean: the scene where we, as the protagonist, come to find the hanged man in the backgarden of the hotel we reside in. I am not sure if this was a nod to Disco Elysium by the developers, but it feels too much of a coincidence to happen. Even the dialogue window and character frames are inspired by Disco Elysium as far as it goes.

Let’s cut to the chase, what’s this game about that I highly appreciate so far? Well, you’re an author named Etienne Quist and you’re banned from writing books for 34 years due to some disclosed reasons, we start in medias res, and before the beginning of the games, we had contacted with some people through our associates and this stranger, that we don’t get to meet in person, says he can help reduce our sentence by taking some chores and completing side jobs that he tasks us. Since we are unemployed, we also face the risk of being evicted from our cubicle-size flat as well, when you take all these into consideration, we don’t have a better alternative not to go along with this stranger’s jobs. The stranger communicates us through the phone in our flat, he calls us, sends somebody to drop off a bag in front of our door, we receive the door and bring it to our table. What are the jobs, you shall ask? In this world, the stranger sends us a bag containing novels, a compartment and some pieces that contain in-depth info about the authors of the novels, we are tasked with dive into the novels themselves, live in it, and extract specific items, objects etc, hence the name of the game, Bookwalker. The game has two different camera angles by the way: first on e is the “real world”, the world the protagonist dwells in, second one is the world of books. The first one is in first-person camera, whereas the second is in almost top-down camera angle. I thought “oh boy, this is gonna be disorienting for me for sure” but don’t worry you spend %90 of your time in “books”, in other words, you are not going back and forth so often. 

I wish to mention the setting a little bit: the game’s budget and development are mostly spent in “books” not in “real world”. There is no exploration in real world, only limited interaction with your neighbours in your apartment. You have a compact flat, and there is only two floors you can travel to in the apartment, you can deliver the bag after retrieving the item from the novel on base floor, then you return to your flat, sleep through night, you’ll receive a phone call, then a new bag is dropped at your door and repeat.

At first I was not certain if the books we will dive into are real books or made-up, out of 7 books in the game, I have completed two of them so far, and they are not real books. This made me question: would it have been spectacular if we lived in actual books, would that worked out at all? The developers can have more freedom by creating made-up books instead of taking an actual book and try to make it work that way, still it could have been a unique experience. The books we find ourselves in are linear, they are not open-world, and you can feel the intended flow of the game as you progress. The first book is “A Drop of Infinity” where we are asked to extract a magical potion, we wake up in a basement-type dungeon, we get to meet our companion, which is lantern-size cage that we name Roderick, who claims that s/he has read A Drop of Infinity fives times and knows all the minute details of the book and can be a help for us. We continue our journey with him/her on our hand, and we interact with it often, at every possible action. Not to spoil the books, I won’t go much into them plot-wise. 

The game has a mechanic that I was surprised to see: you can access your belongings and items in the books that you have in your flat. For example, there’s a wall that needs to taken down, Roderick asks us whether we’ve a hammer in our own room, we don’t. Then we knock on our neighbour’s door and ask them, he lends his hammer to us, bring it to the room, we dive into the book once again and take down the wall.

In two clips below, you can more clearly understand what’s going on:

The game has lite-combat too: this does not take up much of the game to be honest, let’s say, each book lasts around 60 minutes, and you will spend at most 5-10 minutes for combat. The variety of it is not diverse, you have a handful of abilities, heavy-attack, light-attack, stun and shield. These fights are not challenging and you’ll be able to heal yourself during the fight with food.

Furthermore, the game has inventory mechanic with 4 categories:

Healing: you will be finding food such as apple and bread around for health

Craft Parts: you will need to craft certain items along the way, such as crowbards, shovel on workbench

Stuff: random, unneeded items, you will be melting them and redeem ink

Quest Items: specific objects that you will be extracting from the book as required by the mission

With a never-before-experienced approach, The Bookwalker is a must-play for all players who enjoy narrative-driven games. 

[dailyanarchistposts]

Sieges

One might think that studying the techniques of sieges would only be of interest to hobbyists or scholars of medieval warfare, but this is not the case. Only quite recently, from 1992 to 1996, the city of Sarajevo was under siege during the Bosnian war. In fact, I’ve noticed that many of the most significant conflicts that occur tend to have siege qualities to them. If we look at Oka, Gustafsen Lake, MOVE, Caledonia, squat evictions, etc., we find sieges and siege techniques used by both sides.

A siege is a military blockade of a city or fortress with the intent of conquering by force or attrition, often accompanied by an assault. A siege occurs when an attacker encounters a city or fortress that refuses to surrender and cannot be easily taken by a frontal assault. Sieges involve surrounding the target and blocking the reinforcement or escape of troops or provision of supplies (a tactic known as “investment”), typically coupled with attempts to reduce the fortifications by means of siege engines, artillery bombardment, mining (also known as sapping), or the use of deception or treachery to bypass defenses. Failing a military outcome, sieges can often be decided by starvation, thirst or disease, which can afflict both the attacker or defender. Generally speaking, siege warfare is a form of low-inten- sity warfare (until an assault takes place) characterized in that at least one party holds a strong defense position, it is a highly static situation, the element of attrition is typically strong and there are plenty of opportunities for negotiations.[1]

*** Variables

Whenever considering an action, it is important to reflect on what Clauswewitz called “the variables representing the circumstances of combat.” Let’s look at an example:

A group of friends decides to destroy a couple of bridges in a nearby wilderness to prevent logging and other industrial activity. The first step is to look at the many basic security considerations to follow: don’t tell anyone outside the group anything ever, have alibis, don’t use or carry any techno-devices to communicate, document or brainstorm, etc.

The group uses their knowledge of strategy, operations and tactics in making plans. They are conscious of some of the principles and truths of conflict: surprise, movement, economy of force, etc. But what we haven’t looked at yet are the variables that typically come into play, (the concept of friction does take into account these influences to some extent).

Trevor Dupuy breaks down the variables into a few simple categories, although I’ve tweaked these somewhat. There are many that are sure to influence the outcome and smoothness of your action, so please make sure that variables are considered before pursuing your objective.

The variables are Environmental, Behavioral, and Operational. Under Environmental, we find primarily the weather and terrain, although I would include season, time of day and even lunar cycle as important. Secondly, we find Behavioral variables. These relate to the psychology and nature of the human participants. Morale, training, emotional well being, stability, drug and alcohol use, experience, etc. Finally, Operational includes vulnerability, mobility, fatigue and posture. It should be noted that we have easy ir. luence over these and should take advantage of this fact.

The Environmental: It’s cold and rainy. Will this affect the terrain enough to make any changes? Does the group need to make a fire, perhaps to burn the bridge? If so, can they make a fire in the rain? They were counting on the full moon to help, but the clouds will inhibit this, do they have a flashlight? Heavier clothing can slow down one’s escape. The area is primarily a deciduous forest, so in spring there will be plenty of coverage from the leaves, but it’s autumn, can they hide behind bare branches?

The Behavioral: ifit is going to be a rainy and cold night and one of the group is inexperienced or weak, one might want to make sure that his backpack is checked for proper clothing, that he is rested enough to do the action, perhaps consider pairing him up with a stronger or more experienced participant, etc. If you expect to be confronted, who has the most training to stand firm, who is likely to flee?

The Operational: will the rain make it muddy and slow down the vehicles? Does everyone have the proper clothing? If the group will have to sit still and hide for a long period of time in uncomfortable circumstances, has everyone trained for this long enough? Variables and the reality of friction are essential last considerations to ponder before setting out to “battle”.

[estatenewsletter]

Estate Staff would like to extend these awards for bravery, kindness, patience, and understanding, to the brave owners of two Container Stores. These store owners have had a hell of a time recently with the Estate while the Staff tried to figure out what the fuck was going on around here, altered medication, and accidentally looked at a place that shouldn’t exist, so along with your awards, please accept the eternal gratitude of the staff, as well as kind words, and an Estate update in the form of a newsletter, for your consideration.

-Staff

*I’m not trying to diagnose myself via Wikipedia here but way too much of this shit i found by accident is hitting way too hard and I’ve been miserable too long so here we go, this is basically what has settled on top of the jumble after a rough weekend and sat there long enough for me to look at it and write it down.

**I just can’t stress enough guys, I do not have these words until I go through this stupid fucking annoying visual thinking process; whatever translations, tumbles, and/or loops; and either I do it in here alone and get lost, or i do it alone on paper/text and plateau, or I bounce it off one of you two fuckers until we’re all miserable and then MAYBE I get it;

BUT y’all engaging me once in a while and following the metaphors and occasionally providing them is not only keeping me on earth instead of space, and reminding me there’s a person in here (because i get fucking LOST in here), but also helps me find the metaphors; and im pretty sure my whole fucking problem is that i don’t just need them to communicate I THINK I LITERALLY NEED THE METAPHORS TO FUCKING THINK GUYS, THIS SHIT IS SCARY.

Anyway I THINK I’m about to like summarize some shit that is causing such a fucking struggle for me and/or possibly y’all right now but also a very important reminder that… all i know is its bad in here, and i am finding out a little at a time how bad it really is by fucking accident

So we know for sure I have ADHD. Diagnosed, currently fucking with medication, not a fun time around here y’all, holy shit, I know it gets rough on your end(s) but please believe I held back what I could, it was …….. nopeville to the max yo. Adderall is a hell of a drug and even when I’m not intentionally adjusting the dosage there have been medication shortages, it’s a new-ish drug for me, etc etc etc obstacle after obstacle and the last two days without it was still no fun

And I’m going through all this miserable shit not even knowing that part of this fucking misery is called VISUAL THINKING until i read the word and it hit me so fucking hard I felt like an idiot for not coming up with that word on my own

I’ve been accidentally dancing all over my own abandonment issues and childhood trauma and like lots of scary places because uhhhhh

y’all just imagine if you dumped all your containers out into a blender, hit purée, and that’s what they’d been your whole life… and you had no fucking idea they weren’t supposed to be that way until someone told you they should be separate for… basically? As far as I can tell? Literally everything in your containers. Whatever you have in a container, I probably don’t even know it should be separate from anything unless someone has told me, because separation does not… appear… to really exist in here. Like the more I try to look around the more I scare the shit out of myself AND wonder how the fuck I’ve been doing this for 30+ years

But to reiterate, the more time i spend in the Estate, and the more time i spend Thinking about the Container Store metaphor, the more I realize that “opposite of container store” sounds more and more accurate all the time and uh more and more terrifying too so thank you both for being patient but um it is possible things may be even worse around the Estate than I think now, let alone worse than I thought yesterday, which was worse than the day before and so on o.o

I saw some shit in a book about dyslexia when i was 17 and I’ve been terrified of it ever since, too scared to get diagnosed because WHY??????? And then when looking for visual thinking, “dyslexia make language center go fuck itself” and did accidental critical damage to myself by surprise, while unmedicated for adhd, in a depression spiral, because

Depression is being medicated with adderall (and i haven’t had any for two days and its a thing that gets the fuck out of your system every night) and anxiety is being medicated with Zoloft which is too new to be effective yet. Oh and so is the obsessive-compulsive behavior but we’re months away from dosage level on that either, so I’m picking at myself like a meth addict constantly

And every time a dog barks the PLEASE DONT BE FUCKING AUTISM???????? Hits a hard reset button on my brain so fast I can’t even see it coming AND half the time it hurts too fuck i hate it here lmao

SO

IF YOU TLDR

IMPORTANT PART HERE

Due to the Above Circumstances,

The Estate Staff is extending the following information regarding future aid from the Staff of aforementioned Container Stores, if they be able to lend aid of any kind; please consider the following suggestions; (but also always remember that your presence in proximity of the mess is the only assistance really required, with an occasional wave or distraction appreciated, but to go the extra mile, consider this a list of notices posted around the grounds until further notice):

Please do not encourage the Chaos Gremlins whenever possible. It is possible the Medical Term for them is Impulse Control Issues and The Staff is fucking miserable. The Staff is aware they are sneaky; so the Staff is aware some may occasionally trick you into engaging them. Staff has been posting warnings for some time, but they appear to have some type of…

independent will and/or intelligence the Staff isn’t fully aware of, and it is scaring the shit out of the Staff; so please, whenever possible, should you accidentally catch the attention of a gremlin; please

Do not Feed

Encourage

Or otherwise Interact with Chaos Gremlins

Additional note on Gremlins: Staff isn’t completely sure yet, but Staff is beginning to suspect that “you’re killing me” is translating into something along the lines of “you are kicking my impulse control issues in the nuts and they are fighting my non-existent language center to stop it from begging you to stop, so please get out of my mental illnesses so I can catch my breath” or like some nuance of that. Now that Staff has become aware of the problem, it should be easier to warn visitors soon, so we appreciate your patience while we get the infestation under control.

(So yeah please this is starting to look like the equivalent of Bruce Banner telling you he needs to go calm down lmao and I think encouraging them in any way is making it exponentially closer to the gremlins merging into a Hulk so I gotta inspect these little fuckers and figure out what to do with them)

Don’t feed the gremlins and for the love of god please do not under any circumstances get them wet (unless you’re a Seagull). The Staff has suspected they were independent of the Staff for some time, but the situation appears to be quite dire, and is beginning to look more like a this-is-unfairly-hard-medical-situation bordering-on-disability kind of thing over here sometimes and it’s not doing nice things to my depression or anxiety either so let’s at least give them some time to calm down (at least until the staff can label, number, and GPS track them or something)

A small handful of long-forgotten traumas (that appear to have been improperly flagged) have recently been dug up by the staff by mistake, and the earth about the grounds is currently a bit fresh, so please exercise extra caution in the following areas:

“I’m too much trouble and should fuck off forever” - variations of this have been in my head like literally since I learned words? So in spite of the hard work and patience of Container Stores, this one is coming up and kicking Estate Staff in the nuts literally every chance it gets, even though Estate Staff is fully aware Container Stores don’t seem to have memos like this in their template folders.

Not sure if Depression or Trauma or what is coming up here, but your patience while I do my best to tell this intrusive thought to fuck off is appreciated, whatever it is, because y’all…. this is one that even strangers have been reinforcing infinitely more often, deeper, deeper than any positive reinforcement can ever counterbalance, so this is a fight i just have to do in here on my own, basically clinging to the faith that y’all and a couple other people are telling the truth on this one, and i mean literally not very fucking many people in my whole life, so careful wording and reassurance in this area would be considered the “extra mile” to help me out on this one… because it kicks me so fast i dont have time to reconsider it sometimes, so even when i reread and that’s not what you meant, I’ve already done at least a little damage to myself so every little tiny bit really helps exponentially here I think lol

“I should be able to everything all the time and am useless if I can’t be efficient” and/or “I can’t do this simple task so im a piece of shit” etc productivity garbage seems to be coming up when I can’t do something; much like “burden” above, this one is deeply rooted in childhood trauma, but i have to undo it myself because society did this one and keeps trying to do it and I can’t hide from it in America so:

this is more like a posted warning that something stupid like asking me a question when i need to pee or tumblr pissing me off can trip this, and none of us can see it coming, so just idk dont wear your church clothes or your favorite shoes over here til i get a lid on that one I guess, in case it gets on you. Some of these might just be Gallagher shit.

Depression spirals with visual thinking and unbalanced meds are getting a little weird so if I seem to be doing weird Donna shit and you’d like me to stop, the most efficient way, for YOU, I THINK? is to try a distraction.

Personally, I recommend you go for broke; bread crumbs can be helpful here, to lead me somewhere specific, but they can also be the opposite of effective if they fail; so you can save us both a lot of time and trouble if you send me something fucking unexpected right off the bat (careful not to attract gremlins by mistake, they smell vulnerability and they hate me). You are not trying to lure a rabbit, you are trying to get your stupid ass dog out of the freeway with a tennis ball or a snack before it gets hit by a truck. Think of the kind of thing you’d do to like snap someone out of something, but a little to the left. I think the Seagull busted out Bo Burnam for anxiety once, sometimes shock is a good one, gross, whatever. Interrupt/distract, do not engage gremlins, etc

If you happen to see a passing spiral and can’t toss anything in without inconvenience or other detriment to yourself, even a passing wave and a check in that we’re both drowning separately is again, still considered above and beyond. (In fact, it’s often what I’m probably looking for, but now that we have Words the mess should be better able to tell neighboring entities what the fuck is happening on Estate Grounds.

Last but not least, Estate Staff has placed ropes and a a few Keep Out notices around all areas that appear to be near the scary place until further notice. Estate Staff needs to spend a bit more time around the Estate before even figuring out what the fuck that was. That shit is off limits to everyone until the person who has to live in here figures out what the fuck it is.

(An ACCIDENTAL TRIP to not only 1) not the place I was even looking at but 2) a new???? place i didnt know was there and 3) a place with weird vibes too near a vulnerable place???? Nope nope nope not today too much garbage in the Estate not taking it to Mars nope.)

Estate Staff isn’t entirely sure why proximity alarms for this place are alarming so alarmingly, but the current theory around the break room is that, if the vibes in the mansion are terrifying because words are hard and few, what if those vibes come with us to the scary place and there is NO WORDS and/or NOTHING THERE BUT BAD VIBES? Etc…

(And/or possible actual medical dissociative state or some shit.)

Staff is hoping these areas will be able to be reopened once we clean the fuck up around here a bit, maybe with some art, breaking down safer metaphors, zen activities, getting to know the Estate Grounds. At the very least, Staff would like for the place to stop feeling like the Winchester Mansion had a bastard with the Room of Requirement before we leave, because we’re not sure how we got here in the first place so if we leave by accident……

So thank you both for any part you played in keeping me on earth this weekend, and please accept a blanket apology for anything in here that made you feel like shit; consider it officially forgiven because the Staff didn’t know the place was condemned until somebody inspected it, but now that it failed inspection the Staff has to figure out what the fuck to do with all this shit; and there’s really no reason for the local entities to feel bad about things the Staff didn’t even know, just be glad we got me through it because HOPEFULLY we can get some cool and interesting shit worked out in the mansion before we go Ghost Bustin or whatever

So, following these awards, both Container Store owners who have assisted in this project thus far will be extended additional information and invitations to collaborate on the project soon and we look forward to exploring the Estate more thoroughly in the coming days!

[jaqueblog]

Exercise 1

1. How did the following factors affect the current perspectives on the teaching of English worldwide? (15 pts.)

1.1 the decline of methods

Some language teachers tend not to adapt different teaching methods that could really cater the different learning styles of the learners. They only preferred to used specific method which was already overly prescriptive and not applicable to a divergent learning context, and that it causes to ineffective learning of students.  The decline of these methods is one of the factors that affect the current perspectives on the teaching of English worldwide. From the past two decades, the classroom teaching methods have been shifted. They implemented an appropriate, relevant, and effective instruction, and the learners’ social, cultural, economic and political background is already centralized and taken into consideration.

1.2 a growing emphasis on both bottom-up and top-down skills

The growing emphasis on both bottom-up and top-down skills is also one of the current perspectives on teaching of L2 speaking, reading, and writing. It is stated on the research findings that “without explicit and form-focused instruction, and exposure to meaning- based input, it does not lead to the development of syntactic and lexical accuracy of an L2.” And for the effective development of learners’ language, classroom instruction or curricula should have a balance between their linguistic aspect (word recognition or syntactic analysis) and schematic aspects (global background knowledge).

1.3 the creation of new knowledge about English

The evolution of English language from time to time or the creation of new knowledge and the insights on how native speakers of English uses language features differently from the L2 speakers had brought us the current perspectives on what and how to use English in teaching with divergent L2 learners.

2. How does a teaching method become overly prescriptive? (7 pts.)

First, let’s define what prescriptive teaching method means, it is defined as the most effective instructional strategies for children who differ on many levels when it comes to academic learning. However, English language in this perspective is only considered as a subject to be taught not a language used to communicate. This is actually a strict way of using English from which it uses only specific or fixed patterns and formulas in teaching. Hence, we could say that an overly prescriptive method is quite disadvantage to use in a divergent class since it will not possibly cater all the learning needs and learning styles of all students. It can only cause to ineffective learning because it just focused on a single method of instruction which is not applicable to all and that it doesn’t give the students an opportunity to learn by their own learning style.

3. What is principled eclecticism? (5 pts.)

Based on what I’ve searched, “principled eclecticism means a contemporary approach in the field of language teaching and learning that has gained considerable attention among educators. It refers to the integration of various teaching methods, techniques, and strategies adaptively chosen based on the learner’s goals, needs, and contexts.” In addition, we can call it as a student- centered approach from which we actually adapt different styles of teaching that could accommodate the different kind of students regarding their background, intelligence and level of interests.

4. Compare and contrast “technology immigrants” and “technology natives”. (8 pts.)

In this modern world, technology immigrants and technology natives are both named based on how they are familiar with technology, how they understand the use of it on every circumstance, and they both have access to it. However, the difference between the two is that, some teachers nowadays are considered to be technology immigrants because they just have access on internet and technology, recently. So, their experience and knowledge about it was just limited since during the time that they are still learners, they don’t have that, only magazines, books, and other printed materials are present during their times, or in short, they are not born in the digital world. While, technology natives are the ones who were born into the digital world, and these are the students. From the day they are born up until the present, they have an experience and knowledge about technology and internet because even babies of today are already expose to gadgets.

5. Are the benefits of Corpus Analysis and Concordancing true to you as a language teacher? Why or Why not? How? (15 pts.)

As a language teacher, the benefits of corpus analysis and concordancing was really true because we are teaching language basically, especially L2. First, the benefits of authentic language, we can use corpus analysis or concordancing when we are using materials that are not actually designed for English language learners, and from that, it will help the students understand the language itself, the language use, the contextual factors that affects to it, and its pattern of usage. Second benefit, as a language teacher, it is necessary that we act as a facilitator of language rather than a lecturer. Let’s give the student an opportunity to explore on their own learning because from that way, they will expand their knowledge on the language features they encountered with.

[hasufin]

Get lost

Fun fact: “Get Lost” is the state of Montana’s official tourism slogan.

The rest of this post is going to be considerably more morbid. You have been warned.

One of my closest friends gave me the book Off the Wall: Death in Yosemite and frankly, kudos to them for pegging my fascination for people dying awful lonely deaths.

Also, recently some hikers found the remains of Bill Ewasko, a man who went missing from Joshua Tree National Park twelve years ago.

A little closer to home - okay, a LOT closer to home - the body of a hiker who went missing in Shenandoah was discovered just this week.

(For the record, he was down in the Southern part of the park, which is less-frequented than the Northern part, I think I’ve only been by that particular trailhead twice ever, and have never hiked that trail.)

But... I do hike in Shenandoah a fair bit. I try to go several times a year. And it makes me think. I’ve come to realize three things.

First, I am looking at the people who go hiking in Death Valley, and Joshua Tree, and going “fuck that”. I am not a desert rat, I will not be hiking in those places. I am a committed heliophobe and I’m gonna put a hard pass on “Let’s spend many hours in a place with no shade and almost no water!”. Yes, I went hiking in the Grand Canyon once. It was painful, I drink something like six liters of water in three hours, and I didn’t feel okay for two days afterwards

Second, I’m actually feeling pretty good about my general level of preparedness. I always bring some food and water, a 1st aid kit, a knife, matches in a waterproof case, and a map and compass, plus additional gear depending on the circumstance. It turns out that my kit for “I am going on a hike longer than 3 miles in the winter” is better than some people have for a 2-week trek in the Yosemite back country. Which is worrisome because I’m not that overboard, it’s just some people are... they basically assume everything will go perfectly, which is why they’re dead.

However, there’s one thing I intend to do differently. I have a GPS beacon which my father-in-law gave me. I refer to it as “a grenade that summons helicopters. You extend the antenna, you hit the button, and Search & Rescue WILL come to save your ass. And they WILL NOT be happy if you were just fucking around with the thing. (It’s fortunately now configured for me. The way it was set up for my father-in-law, it would have summoned Federal Protective Services and they would be... less amused. Much less amused.) But anyway, it’s a nice enough item. But it doesn’t really fit my use case. There are certainly some situations in which the beacon is useful: Off The Wall is full of cases in which someone would have lived if they’d had a beacon. But... there are a lot of cases where it wouldn’t. You can’t exactly ask a hyperphagic bear “hold on, lemme get my beacon out”. So I’m thinking of upgrading to a satellite communicator - one that gives real-time information about my location, so my friends and family can know where I am, and if necessary call for help even if I can’t. I’ve avoided this because it’s expensive and unlike the beacon has a recurring cost. But there are a lot of cases where it would have saved someone, and even when it doesn’t, it would give closure and save rescuers a lot of work.

I do look forward to these lifesaving electronics becoming cheaper. GPS locators should be de rigeur for solo hiking and not toys for upper middle class twits; every home should have an AED, etc..

[blocknahas]

Do i need ccleaner for monitoring to be active

Do i need ccleaner for monitoring to be active for free#

Do i need ccleaner for monitoring to be active full version#

Do i need ccleaner for monitoring to be active update#

Do i need ccleaner for monitoring to be active Pc#

Do i need ccleaner for monitoring to be active professional#

However, it has faced a backlash from users who said that after they turned off Active Monitoring, it was automatically switched back on when they restarted their computer. The security company, which bought CCleaner’s developers Piriform last year, says any data it collects is “anonymised”.

Do i need ccleaner for monitoring to be active update#

Avast removes CCleaner update after privacy backlashĪvast has pulled the most recent update of CCleaner (5.45) after users complained they couldn’t stop the software monitoring how they used it. This was created by CCleaner users who wanted to remove more types of junk, such as Skype Temporary Files.

Do i need ccleaner for monitoring to be active for free#

The best way to improve CCleaner for free is to install CCEnhancer. It didn’t help me much, but could save time depending on your setup.

Do i need ccleaner for monitoring to be active professional#

One other feature that Piriform doesn’t list is the expanded Users menu.ĬCleaner Professional lets you run a single system scan on multiple user accounts. It’s home to plenty of knowledgeable CCleaner users and the advice is free. That said, I’ve managed all this time by visiting Piriform’s Community Forum ( ) for advice. It moves you ahead of people using the free version when you need help from CCleaner’s support team.

Do i need ccleaner for monitoring to be active Pc#

This allows me to start a scan when I’m finished with my PC in the evening, knowing it ’ll shut down automatically when the scan has finished.Īs for Automatic Updates, CCleaner practically begs you to keep it updated by placing a ‘Check for updates’ button at the bottom-right of every menu screen, so you’re only ever a click away from the latest version.Īt last, a reason to be cheerful The final added extra, Premium Support, is more useful. These are slightly more useful than Real-time Monitoring, but they’re hardly worth paying for.īesides, I can already run a scan when it ’s convenient in the free version simply by ticking ‘Shutdown after cleaning’ – click Options, then Advanced to find it (see screenshot above). Scheduled Cleaning and Automatic Updates do just what you’d expect: the former lets you schedule scans for a convenient time, while the latter allows CCleaner to update itself automatically as new versions are released. In the end I switched the feature off altogether by clicking Options, then Monitoring, and removing the ticks next to ‘Enable system monitoring’, ‘Enable browser monitoring’ and Enable Active Monitoring (see screenshot left).

Cleans are often customized by the IT admin, using the CCleaner menu.Untick the three boxes within Monitoring to stop CCleaner running in the background.

During a default, clean CCleaner doesn’t delete files and settings which are considered user preference.

Automated cleaning and defragmenting define the IT department which spends minimum time on basic maintenance and end-users work on better performing machines, minus to any regular threats of low disk space. This leads to saving the significant cost of the system. CCleaner is authorized to clean several multiple endpoints with automated configuration. So, it’s considerably faster to wash endpoints using CCleaner than to wash them manually – even once you know where to seem for the files you’d wish to be deleted.

Clearing Windows temporary files, crash dumps, and Windows log files.

Deleting duplicate files to recover disk drive space.

Clearing recent items from the Windows start menu.

Clearing recent file lists from Adobe applications.

Clearing recent file lists from Microsoft Office applications.

Clearing browser/s cookies, history, temporary files, form data, passwords, and autocomplete data.

When the browser gets opened after cleaning, some of the things get a reload to refresh and give a fresh start. However, this majorly depends on the proportion of browser data is stored pre-clean. CCleaner deletes cache, cookies, history and other browsing data, to speed up the PC and get smooth functioning on it. Results are quite varied and impressive after it gets clean.

Do i need ccleaner for monitoring to be active full version#

Download CCleaner Professional Full Version for WindowsĬCleaner reduces the footprint of user-profiles by deleting unwanted cache and temporary files, which reduces the speed of the PC.

[flickeringart]

Minor aspects

While the nature of the major aspects in astrology is quite straightforward and has been covered more than sufficiently, there’s still a lot of fog surrounding the nature of the minor ones. There are a lot of minor aspects that can be taken into consideration when interpreting a chart… however, since they are labeled minor they won’t be as obvious and much more difficult to spot in one’s own life. Note that this doesn't mean that they aren't impactful. There’s a lot of speculation and vague terms used when describing them. It seems that every minor aspect is said to have a “spiritual/creative dimension” as if that is supposed to clear up any of the mystery surrounding them. Perhaps, on one level, we don’t want to pin them down too much because certainty is the enemy of exploration. Or perhaps it’s the case that the aspects themselves don’t want to be pinned down? There’s an appeal in keeping certain things mysterious in our lives, to avoid defining and putting rigid labels on phenomena. It makes life alive and beautiful. Many people dismiss astrology is because they are afraid that they’re going to be reduced to a set of characteristics and have their personality mapped up to the point of being able to predict and foresee patterns of behavior and fated themes. The fear of knowledge is not irrational; it is probably healthy to an extent. Knowing too much can be dangerous and rob life of its magic. “Curiosity killed the cat”, as the saying goes. However, this is not the whole truth because curiosity also leads to expansion and better understanding, so let’s not be afraid to concretize these aspects, it's not the same as "killing" their potential. Life is never completely in our hands anyway, there's no risk of knowing it all.

Quintile (72°)/Bi-quintile (144°)

These aspects are said to have something to do with individual style and quality of creative work. It is suggested that these aspects say something about a mental-creative process of imposing one’s mind on a particular subject. It is also linked to talent and gifts the individual would possess that have not been actively learned. Basically, it seems to be indicative of the particular way a person would approach a subject. For example, the quintile would not describe the activity itself - the activity could be painting, knitting, running, cleaning or whatever – the quintile/bi-quintile would point to the way the person approaches the activity.

For example, Ted Bundy (whose chart I’ve explored a bit here), has Neptune bi-quintile the MC. Neptune, being the planet of illusion hints to Bundy’s quality of being a chameleon, deceiving the public as part of his personal style.

Prince Harry, (whose chart I’ve touched upon before), has his Moon bi-quintile Neptune. The Moon can be indicative of the mother figure, and his mother Princess Diana certainly had an elusive style and charm that was a bit deceptive and seductive. Of course, he would have the same thing going in his own life but it would perhaps be difficult for us to spot. He also has Moon quintile Venus and he definitely has a style/quality of emotional-physical comfort. He has Pluto quintile the AC, which would point to a style of showing up in the world that is powerful and intense. He has a tendency to come off as destructive and chaotic at times. There’s also a quintile aspect forming between Mercury in the 8th house and the MC which would hint to a public image that is colored by the “taboo” things he has said about his family in the recent present, but also in the past. He’s a public image that is aligning with the style of the playful amoral trickster.

As I’m going with charts I’ve already explored, let’s look at the quintiles in Meghan Markle’s chart. Her Venus is quintile Uranus and it perfectly describes her style of “wokeism”, that is, appearing to be objective and intelligent about feelings and affective values. She has a style of being “the loving humanitarian”. Whether she is this way in an actual sense is debatable. The quintile aspect is describing the quality and style not the actuality. But, it is disturbingly close to reality that it somehow becomes reality. It’s like the actor who adopts another energy signature in order to portray a different person. It doesn’t really matter if a person is rotten at the core - if he has a loving way of being, what difference does it make? The style is real enough to not reflect and give the impression of love.

Semi-square (45°) / Sesquiquadrate (135°)

These aspects are said to precipitate events. The nature of these two aspects is more immediate than the square aspect (which causes tension and doubt and needs constant navigation). The conflict represented is usually unconscious and is therefore not easy to identify. However, as these conflicts tend to manifest quite abruptly, we can take a look at the concrete problems the person faces. The planets connected by a semi-square/sesquiquadrate aspect will be in conflict but force some kind of release (that may result in an accident because of it’s autonomous/unconscious function).

I have Saturn sesquiquadrate my Moon. Since I tend to unconsciously block my emotional responses, the pressure builds and I am “forced” to get out of a situation, “forced to listen to my emotions”. I have encountered the theory that the sesquiquadrate in particular is manifesting as something that is looked down upon societally. This would make sense considering the aspect forces a breakout of one of the planets and nothing that is immediate and abrupt is ever favorably looked upon when it comes to social-societal structure and predictability. I have been meaning to take on commitments that would further my status in society in terms of formal education (Saturn in the 9th conjunct the MC) but I have not been able to do it without considerable decline in my emotional well-being. So, I have been “thrown out” by unconscious forces every time I’ve tried.

My sister has her Venus sesquiquadrate Saturn. She’s known for her deliberate and strategic way of dressing. She plans her outfits carefully, there’s nothing haphazard about the way she presents herself. However, she has Lilith conjunct Venus so she can push the limits and simply do what she pleases sometimes as well when the pressure of Saturn becomes too much. But, this often causes external judgment. A relative of mine has her Sun semi-square Venus. I can tell that she’s highly aware of her appearance. She is very pretty but there’s always something that is a bit off between what she wears and her self-expression. It’s like it doesn’t quite fit and it’s irritating.

To get back to the celebrities, Meghan Markle has Neptune sesquiquadrate Mercury. Is it possible that this forces distortion and vagueness in opinion and communication? It would certainly fit the bill. She also has Uranus sesquiquadrate Mars. She simply has to “break out of her confining situations”, cut people out of her life and move on in her own way. Uranus is also sesquiquadrate her MC, which seems to point to her unconscious pull to “do what she wants to do” at the detriment of her public image and reputation. Notably, Uranus sits in her 5th house of personal enjoyment and creation.

Prince Harry has a semi-square between Mars and Pluto. When he is angry it blossoms into rage and he can’t see straight. It has gotten him into quite a lot of trouble and societal-social disapproval. It seems that this is a common theme with the sesquiquadrate and semi-square. He also has his Moon sesquiquadrate Jupiter. Isn’t it the case that he tends to indulge in a way that makes him look bad in society?

Quincunx (150°)

This aspect is typically found between planets incompatible by element and mode. Basically, they have nothing in common and have a hard time cooperating, which will cause minor stress in the individual because of necessity to work around the incompatibilities. The planets are not in direct conflict but they are uncomfortable with each other.

For example, I have my Moon quincunx Mercury. Every time I sit down to write I’m mildly disturbed by little things like an aching back, a headache, restless legs or whatever. It’s not very comfortable for me but I can still keep with it, however it might take a toll on me health wise. The quincunx has been related to health issues because of the mild stress that it causes. It is manageable and one is usually able to cope with the stress, but it’s not very pleasant. Because it is not as demanding as more disturbing conflicts in one’s life, it’s in the background causing irritation.

Meghan Markle’s Venus makes a quincunx aspect to her MC. This suggests that she has a hard time reflecting her value on a public level, it’s as if how she’s perceived publicly disturbs her sense of ease and comfort. She has an Aries MC with a Virgo Venus and she’s continuously depicted as a bully these days, as some kind a selfish and aggressive bitch (the more negative attributes of Aries). This must be undermining her self-worth immensely, however, it’s perhaps too minor of a problem to do anything about. It is still there nonetheless, harping on in the background, breaking her down and causing slow disintegration…

Semi-sextile (30°)

Planets forming semi-sextile aspects are said to be able to aid each other, to have a better connection than if they had no link at all. Usually one planet is in the sign that comes before the sign of the other; in other words, a semi-sextile might be forming between Mars in Aries and Venus in Taurus. The semi-sextile usually connects consecutive sign like this, but planets could be in semi-sextile in the same sign, like Mars in 0° Taurus semi-sextile Venus in 30° Taurus. In any case, the planet placed at an earlier degree or in the earlier sign can draw on qualities of the planet in the later degree or the later sign and vice versa. For example, Prince Harry’s Venus in Libra is semi-sextile his MC. He can draw on his sense of harmony a diplomacy to benefit his public image. His Mars in Sagittarius is also semi-sextile his MC, which makes it so that he can draw from his Martial qualities of energy and action to influence his career and success.

Parallel/Contra-parallel

These are called aspects in declination because they are measured by latitude and not by longitude. This essentially means that two planetary bodies can aspect each other in a certain way measuring the distance between them north-south of the celestial equator. Two planets at the same degree north and south of the equator form a parallel aspect and can be interpreted the same as a conjunction (some say that it's more obscure like a quincunx/semi-square). Two planets opposite each other north and south form a contra-parallel aspect and can be interpreted as an opposition (some say that it's basically the same as the parallel though).

I have found, looking at my own chart that these aspects only confirms already existing aspects measured by longitude or it confirms the sign that a specific angle is in. For example, my MC is in Aries and it is also parallel Mars. Mars is the ruler of Aries so it emphasizes my already martial MC. My Sun is conjunct Saturn and it’s also parallel Saturn. My sister has a Scorpio MC and it’s also parallel Pluto, the natural ruler of Scorpio. For example, my sister has a wide Moon-Mars conjunction (6°) but they are also in contra-parallel. How is this supposed to be interpreted? I would simply see it as Moon-Mars is connected strongly despite the orb being a little wide with the conjunction.

However, it’s not always the case that parallel and contra-parallel aspects only confirms already existing influences. They can also add themes and connections. My sister doesn’t have any longitude aspects between Saturn and Uranus but they are contra-parallel to each other.

Septile (51.43° - a 1/7 of the 360°)

It is said to indicate a hidden flow of energy between the planets involved, an inner sensitivity to the spiritual dimension of the planets. Another description I have come across is that the planets “darkly interact” and there’s an occult theme surrounding the connection.

I have Venus septile Jupiter in my own chart. Going by the said method of interpretation, it would mean that I have sensitivity to the hidden wealth and underlying beauty and abundance in life. I think it is quite accurate.

Novile (40° - 1/9 of the 360°)

Is said to be describing a contact of perfection/idealization. It also seems to have something to do with spiritual awakening and growth, lack of fear and freedom.

Having Sun novile Saturn for example could be interpreted as a feeling of communion with the world and life itself through responsibility and the control one can exercise through self-expression.

----

There are of course other minor aspects to explore, but I'll stop here for now.

[atlafan]

Part One - “Call me Jane.”

a/n: here’s part one of nanny!H, I’m very excited about this series. I’m not sure how many parts it’s going to be, so please don’t ask lmao. Once I know how many parts it’ll be, I’ll make a master post for it. I’m just too excited not at least share the first part because Harry is just too cute in this! Feedback and reblogs are super helpful, and keep me motivated, especially when it comes to writing series. (not proofread) You can support me here if you’re able!

Warnings: none...for now

Words: 4.1K

Pairing: Harry x OC (Jane Watson)

Master Post

Harry found himself in a real bind. He was twenty-six years old, had an early childhood education degree, and the daycare he worked at was going under. He had just been promoted a month prior too, how could things go wrong so quickly? Times like this he really hated that he stayed in the states. Childcare services weren’t nearly as fucked up back home. His dream was to save up enough money to open up his own pre-school at some point, but it was really tough.

There was this weird stigma that if adult men wanted to work with babies and toddlers then that made them a pedophile or something of the sort. That wasn’t the case with Harry. His minor in school was psychology because cognitive development intrigued him. He also loved babies and little ones. He loved watching them learn and discover.

Only now, he was without a job in an already struggling field. He and the other employees weren’t exactly given a big notice before they were told the business was going under. Harry mostly felt bad for the parents of the kids that had to find new child care centers. He knew he’d have to compete with his co-workers for any available jobs, and he knew they were bound to find places before him because they were women. It was their fault, and he knew it. He was experiencing a prejudice that they must face all the time.

He looked into Care.com, but none of the jobs on there seemed like long-term gigs, and he didn’t want to just be a glorified baby sitter. He figured if he could find a well paying nannying job, he could do that for a bit until finding a job at a new facility, or even set up his dream pre-school. During his search on Indeed, he saw a position for a live-in nanny – jackpot! Live-in meant long-term, and long-term meant lots of money. It also meant he could get rid of his apartment and not have to pay rent for a while. He clicked on the ad that was posted only a couple of weeks ago.

Live-in Nanny Needed for Help with Eight-Month-Old

Minimum requirements:

·        Bachelor’s in either early childhood education or elementary education

·        At least two years’ experience working babies/children

Three professional references required

Applicant is subject to thorough background check for the safety of the child and mother.

Other tasks as needed include:

·        Cooking

·        Light cleaning

·        Grocery shopping/running other errands

If applicant is selected, they will be paid a flat rate of $1600 bi-weekly, will live in “in-law” section of the house, and a car will be provided for them. A resume, cover letter, and three professional references may be sent directly to jpwatson@gmail.com

After reading everything over, this seemed like Harry’s best bet. Some of it seemed a little too good to be true, but this was a risk he needed to take right now. He just hoped the position hadn’t already been filled. That night he spent some time updating his LinkedIn, making sure all of his privacy settings were up to date on all of his social media, and then wrote out a resume and cover letter. The last part was his least favorite because he knew a proper resume and cover letter had to be curated to the specific job, and it made things all the more tedious. By the time he was done, it was late. He didn’t want to seem unprofessional, so he waited to send the email until the next morning.

Subject: Nannying Advert on Indeed

To: jpwatson@gmail.com

From: hes2194@gmail.com

Good morning,

My name is Harry and I’m interested in the nannying advert you’ve posted on Indeed. For the last four years I’ve been working at P.B. & J.’s Child Care Center, and was recently promoted to team lead. Unfortunately, the business itself couldn’t remain afloat, and I was laid off.

Attached are my resume and cover letter. I’d be happy to provide the three references if I end up being considered for the position.

Thank you for your time and consideration,

Harry

Treat People With Kindness

He closes his laptop with a satisfied sigh after proofreading his email ten different times before he hit send. He takes a sip from his coffee, and sits back on his sofa. Now all he had to do was wait.

//

There was radio silence for two days. Harry was starting to think he would need to keep job hunting. He had bills to pay, and the last thing he wanted to do was ask his parents for help. They already looked down on his profession as it was. If he had his own car he’d become an uber driver or something, but he didn’t so he couldn’t. Then, by some stroke of luck, at 4:55PM on a Thursday, he gets an email from the address he had been hoping to see pop up.

Subject: Re: Nannying Advert on Indeed

To: hes2194@gmail.com

From: jpwatson@gmail.com

Good evening Harry,

My name is Jane Watson, thank you so much for your application. My apologies it has taken me a couple of days to get back to you. I am usually more responsive, but things have been a little crazy at work as of late. Upon further review of your resume and over letter, I would like to offer you an interview this Saturday at noon, if you are available. I can be flexible if that day and time do not work for you.

If you are able to come, and are still interested in the position, I ask that you please bring your references with you. I will want to call them right away. I am sure you can understand me wanting to thoroughly look into you before letting you into my daughter’s life.

I look forward to hearing back from you soon.

All my best,

Jane

Harry responded to her right away, he didn’t care how eager he seemed. He told her Saturday at noon worked great, and that he would definitely have his references, and anything else he needed to provide. She emailed him back an hour or so later with her cell phone number and address. For the first time in a while, Harry felt like he could breathe again. He knew it wasn’t a done deal that he’d be getting the job, but he was being given a chance, and for that he was thankful.

//

He wanted to make a good first impression on Saturday, so he made sure to wash his hair in the shower, and use his good mousse so his hair would look more orderly. He shaved to give himself that clean and sleek look, this was not a day to appear scruffy. He knew he didn’t need to be overly dressed up, but he also knew that you’re supposed to dress for the job you want and not the job you have. He irons a pair of tan slacks and pairs it with a blue button up. Not to brag, but his bum looked great in these slacks, and it was giving him all the confidence in the world. He puts on a floral tie, just to show a bit of his personality, makes sure his nail polish isn’t chipped, and makes sure all of his rings are looking shiny. He takes an uber out to Jane’s house. It was in a gated community, which he was expecting since he looked up the house beforehand. He wondered what she or her husband did for work to live in a place like this. Or perhaps she inherited the home? Either way, he was excited.

He thanks the driver, and knocks on the door as he was instructed to do. A woman with silver hair that was up in a nice bun opens the door.

“Hello, you must be Mr. Styles.” She smiles.

“Yes, hello.” He smiles back.

“I’m MaryAnne, please come in.” She steps aside to let Harry in.

“Thank you.”

“Miss Watson is just pumping, but you can wait for her here in her office.” She leads Harry down a corridor where he meets a grand double door. MaryAnne opens them and shows him inside. “Make yourself comfortable, dear. Can I get you anything? Coffee, water, tea?”

“I’m all set, but thank you very much.”

The woman nods and leaves him in the room alone. He stays standing as he didn’t want to assume where he should be sitting. There was a gorgeous desk with two chairs on the other side, but there was also a small round table with four chairs around it in the corner. She clearly held a lot of meetings here, or so it would seem. To pass the time he looks over her bookshelves, scanning over what she might be into. She seemed to be into fiction, but he had never heard of any of the books on some of the shelves, or the author. She had several by the same person. Before he could look further, he heard the clacking of heels on the hardwood floors approaching him.

Everything stopped when she walked in. Jane had her hair up in a flowing ponytail, a white blouse covered her top half, he notices that the first few buttons were left undone, probably to help with her pumping, and she had a black pencil skirt on that just came to her knees. She was short, and a little voluptuous, not that Harry was checking her out.  

“Hello, Mr. Styles, I’m sorry to keep you waiting.” He goes to stick his hand out for her to shake, but she walks around him and sits down at her desk. “Please, have a seat.”

He swallows and sits down.

“Y-you can just call me Harry if you like, Mrs. Watson.”

“I’m a Miss not a missus.” She says as she takes out a folder with a few sheets in it and a pen. “It says here you graduated Summa Cum Laude from Lesley University. That’s an incredible place to get a degree in education.”

“Thank you, I got a pretty decent scholarship, it was my reach school. I minored in psychology as well. I did my practicum hours at a daycare center that specialized in caring for children with disabilities. So, I’ve worked with all sorts of children. I prefer working with infants and toddlers, though.”

“And why is that?” She looks at him, clicking her pen, ready to take notes.

“Well, I just have more fun with them, to be honest. I like watching them discover new things. My favorite thing to do while working in the baby room at my last job was working with the babies on their tummy times. It was always rewarding to watch them get stronger. I feel like I just bond with them better.”

“I need to ask you some personal questions since this is a live-in position.”

“Of course.” Harry nods.

“Are you in any sort of relationship with anyone?”

“No, I’m single.”

“Have you ever been arrested, or do you have any sort of criminal history?”

“No.”

“I’m not one to judge, I think everyone deserves a second chance, I just have to ask these sort of things.” She says.

“I don’t have a criminal record, Miss Watson.”

“History of drug use?”

“I smoked a bit of weed when I was younger, but I don’t anymore. An edible once in a while, maybe, but never when I’m on the clock.”

“Just marijuana?”

“I’ve done shrooms a few times, but nothing other than that. Stupid kid stuff.”

“Again, not judging. I’d prefer you don’t have any drugs in the house, unless they’re for medical use. I know edibles can be prescribed by doctors for anxiety and whatnot.” Harry nods at that. “What about alcohol? You’re twenty-six, you must enjoy a drink after a long day.”

“A glass of red once in a while, sure.” He nods. “But I’m not really a heavy drinker, I never have been. I’d say if anything I’m a social drinker, but you watch me carefully at a party you’ll notice that I nurse the same drink.” He smirks.

“I’m the same way. A little bit of a buzz is fun, but anything more can be a bit scary. I actually cannot remember the last time I had a real drink.” She looks off in thought.

“Well, can’t you drink now that the baby’s here?”

“And have to succumb to a pump and dump?” She scoffs. “No way, that would be a total waste. It’s torture enough to sit there while a machine sucks the milk out of my-“ She stops herself. “Sorry.” She shakes her head. “Anyways, your resume was impressive, and you were quite articulate in your cover letter. You’re the only candidate I’ve invited for an interview.”

“Really?”

“Yes.” She nods. “I really wanted someone with experience, not someone fresh out of college looking for a place to live. You’d really be okay with living here?”

“Honestly, you’d be doing me a favor. My long-term goal is to either have a daycare or pre-school of my own someday. Not having to pay rent for a while would really help me save up for that.”

“That’s an incredible goal to have, Harry.” She smiles, impressed by his ambition. “What questions do you have for me?”

“I just want to clarify, your daughter is eight months?” Jane nods. “And what’s her name?”

“Lilly.” Jane smiles.

“That’s a beautiful name.” Harry smiles. “Why exactly do you need a live-in nanny?”

“I work a lot.” She sighs. “And I’m a single mom. I want her to always have someone here that she can depend on and feel comfortable with. Sometimes my work drags me out in the middle of the night, or I have to take a phone call at an odd hour. I just want someone else here in case I can’t be if something comes up.”

“So, her father’s not in the picture?”

“No.” Her features sour a bit. “He doesn’t even know she exists to be perfectly honest with you. I found out I was pregnant after we broke up, and I decided not to tell him about her. He was a deadbeat moocher, he would have been useless.”

“I’m sorry to hear that, but thank you for telling me. May I ask, how old are you?”

“Twenty-nine, does that matter?”

“No! No, I was just more so curious. You seem pretty successful to be in a home like this. In the advert, you stated I’d be given a car as well, that’s not exactly cheap.”

“You’ll be given access to one of my cars.” She says. “I’m not giving you a car, make no mistake about that.” She smirks. “I’m an author, a successful one.” Harry tries to think if he’s ever heard of a Jane Watson before, but he’s coming up blank. “You’ve never heard of me because I have a pen name. If it’s all the same, I don’t really want to share it with you. Not yet, anyways.”

“Sure…wait…are you offering me the job?”

“Not quite. I’d like you to meet my daughter. I want to see how she interacts with you.”

“I’d love to meet Lilly.” He smiles.

“Great, before we do that, do you have more questions?”

“Yes, who’s MaryAnne? Is she, like, a maid or housekeeper?”

“No.” Jane laughs. “She’s my personal assistant. I usually answer the door myself, but pumping took a bit longer than usual.”

“When did you publish your first work?”

“When I was twenty.” She smiles. “I was still in school, and I decided just to self-publish. It took off, and a few companies reached out to me. I eventually got an agent, and the rest was history. I’m a fast writer, I’m able to churn out more projects than most people, and for whatever reason they keep becoming hits. One of the reasons I travel a lot is that a couple of my works are being turned into television shows, and working out those contracts is a lot. I want to be a part of the process to make sure the stories are told correctly.”

“That’s incredible!”

“it is.” She nods. “I never thought I’d be a television producer, but here I am. I don’t really want Lilly around all that, so there’s another reason for having a live-in nanny.”

“This may seem like a silly question, but will I have time off?”

“Oh my goodness, of course! The salary is negotiable as well. You’ll have weekends off, as well as all bank and national holidays. You’ll also earn vacation time and sick leave like at any other job. You’ll be given a benefits package as well, if you need health insurance.”

“You…you provide stuff like that?”

“Yeah, why wouldn’t I?”

“I’ve just never heard of a nannying job quite like this before.” He blinks. “It feels too good to be true.”

“I’m just a firm believer in compensating someone properly. I believe in investing in the people you have.”

“Right.” He swallows. He almost starting to feel like he was going to be her sugar baby or something, but he obviously knew that wasn’t the case. “You asked me about my dating life, what about yours?”

“I’m also single. Lilly is my top priority, and then comes my work. I’m completely fulfilled as is.” She stands from her desk. “Come, I’ll give you a tour of the house, and of the in-law space, and then you can meet Lilly.”

“Okay.” He stands up and follows her out of the office.

She shows him the living room, which felt more like a study. There was an entertainment room with a huge flat screen, deluxe loungers, a pool table, and bar. She shows him to the kitchen which was equally as extravagant. She brings him upstairs to show him all of the bedrooms.

“This is Lilly’s room.” Jane says proudly.

“it’s beautiful, I love the light purple.”

“So do I.” She says. “My room is down the hall, don’t think you need a tour of that.” She laughs and they head back downstairs. “Here’s the inside entrance to the in-law, but there’s also an exterior entrance you can use…or if you have guests over.” Harry’s in awe of the space. It was larger than his apartment. “It’s a one bedroom flat essentially. There’s a full bath en suite, and there’s a half bath over there. Open concept kitchen and living area. It’s fully furnished as well. Feel free to decorate it however you like. I just ask that this space stays yours. There’s really no reason for you to bring Lilly in here, you know?”

“Sure, yeah. This is amazing.”

“I’m glad you like it. Let’s just hope Lilly like you.” Jane smirks, and they head back to the main part of the house, and into Lilly’s playroom. She was sitting with MaryAnne in a large rocking chair. “M, you can feel free to go back to your office if you like. Harry’s going to get acquainted with Lilly.”

“Of course.” MaryAnne stands up with the baby, and hands her over to Jane.

“She has an office here too?” Harry asks.

“Of course she does, and one of the guest rooms upstairs is hers to use when she needs it.” She kisses the top of her daughter’s head. “Lilly,” she coos, “I have someone I’d like you to meet.” She gestures for Harry to take her, and he happily does so.

“Hey, baby girl.” Harry coos. Bright hazel eyes look up at him in wonder. He lets her latch onto his index finger. “It’s so nice to meet you.” He looks at Jane. “She’s precious, Miss Watson.”

“Isn’t she?” Jane beams. “She’s really been enjoying her bouncy, and messing around with her blocks. I have some CD’s I like having her listen to as well. Oh! We did a paint with pudding night as a sensory play thing, it was a hoot.” She chuckles.

“Those are great, aren’t they? Very stimulating, and it teaches the child that sometimes messes are okay.” He looks down at Lilly and smiles. “May I sit with her in the rocking chair?”

“Please!” She gestures to it, and she sits down on the loveseat in the room. Harry sits down with Lilly, cradling her carefully. He adjusts her so she’s able to stand on his lap. She bounces herself and giggles. “Look at that!” Jane exclaims. “I love it when she does that.”

“She’s awfully sweet.” Harry smiles, and then he looks at Jane. “How much do you feed her?”

“I give her roughly twenty-four to thirty-two ounces a day. You’ll know how hungry she is or isn’t in the moment. I’ve started giving her pureed butternut squash, mashed bananas and strawberries, she’s got that puffed baby cereal as well. I’ve also started giving her ground chicken in really small doses just to get her some protein, but right now I’ve mostly been sticking to fruits and veggies. You must know a lot about what foods to give a baby?”

“I do.” He nods. “You’re still producing that much milk to give her daily?”

“I’ve almost been wishing I’d dry up. I get so sore somedays.” Jane sighs. “But I figure it’s good for her to have it while I can still make it. I’m not opposed to formular or anything…but I like bonding with her in that way. I got rid of her baby acne by rubbing my nipple on her skin, it was like magic.”

“It’s certainly a trick of the trade.” He smirks at her. “I remember learning that in one of my courses, and I was amazed. You all are super humans.”

Jane watches Harry play on the ground with Lilly for a bit. Harry was already so wonderful with her. Harry starts to smell something, and so does Jane.

“Think it’s time for a diaper change.” He chuckles and picks her up. “Would you like me to change her?”

“Yeah, I’d like to see you do it.”

He brings Lilly over to the changing table, and lays her down.

“I know you’re all warm and cozy, but I need to disrupt that for a moment.” He says to the baby girl who was babbling and blowing little spit bubbles, totally unbothered. Harry unsnaps her onesie, and lifts her legs to detach the diaper. His eyes widen at the type of diaper that’s on her. “You cloth diaper?” He looks at Jane.

“It’s better for the environment.” She shrugs. “There’s a trashcan for the…um, poop, and there’s another can for the diapers. I give her a regular diaper for bedtime just because it’s easier to change her in the middle of the night and in the morning, but daytime I use the cloth diapers.”

“Makes sense to me.” Harry disposes of everything, and grabs a few wipes to clean Lilly up. She took a powerful stinky.

“I blame it on the pureed peas.” Jane laughs.

“It doesn’t even phase me anymore, honestly.” Harry says as he gets a little baby powder on her. He grabs a spare cloth diaper, and gets it on her. He snaps her onesie back together and lifts her up. “There we go, good as new, darling girl.” Lilly blows some bubbles at Harry, and blows some back, making her giggle. Jane beams at the two of them.

“It’s about time for her afternoon nap. Would you like to put her down?”

“I’d love to.”

Harry carries Lilly upstairs with Jane. She flips on Lilly’s white noise machine, and makes sure her favorite blankies are in the crib. Harry sits down in the large chair in the corner of the room and starts to rock her gently, giving her soothing rubs. Jane watches as Lilly’s eyelids start to droop. She fights it at first, but Harry continues to soothe her until she’s out like a light. He carefully stands up and sets her down into her crib. The two back out of the room quietly, and make their way down the stairs.

“Let’s go back to my office.” Jane says, and Harry follows her there. Once they’re both seated, she starts speaking again. “Well, the job is yours if you want it.”

“Really?” Harry felt every worry from his life leave his body.

“Yes.” She chuckles. “You’ve really impressed me, and I think Lilly’s quite taken with you already. I’d love to have you as her nanny.” She takes out a few forms. “May I have your references? The background check will take about a week. How soon could you start after that?”

“Right away, honestly.” He hands her a sheet with his references.

“Here are the tax forms you’ll need to fill out, a form for direct deposit, and some information on your benefits. You can get everything back to me by the end of next week.”

“I can’t thank you enough for this opportunity, I’m so excited. I can’t wait to get started, Miss Watson.” He stands to shake her hand, and she stands as she takes it.

“Please, you can call me Jane.”

[teawaffles]

Louis and the Aquaria: Chapter 3, Part 1

It was now the afternoon three days after that, for a total of seven days since the fish had arrived at the mansion.

“Oh, how’re the fish?”

Moran strolled jauntily into the hall.

Although he had left the matter of their names unfinished, since that day, Moran had gotten thoroughly hooked onto watching the fish, often stopping by the hall whenever he had spare time. Of course, it was the same for Fred: he frequently came to visit, and with Louis’s permission, had fun helping to feed them and so on.

As soon as Moran stepped into the room, he peered into the guppies’ tank near the entrance, and broke into a cheerful grin.

“Yo, ‘Fred’. Energetic as always, I see.”

The guppies were kept as a school rather than individually, and at this point, it was no longer clear which one had been named ‘Fred’. As such, that had become the name of the entire group.

After saying hello to ‘Fred’, Moran moved on to the tank with the pufferfish.

“I’m glad you’re doing fine too. Having the entire tank to yourself — it must feel pretty great.”

Perhaps it was because he’d given his own name to that fish, for Moran spoke to it in a remarkably familiar way.

“Compared to the rest of them, it might seem like you’re rather lonely, being alone like that. But I don’t mind that way of life.…… because, I also lived like that once.”

He lowered his eyes, his thoughts flitting back to the past.

“After I was deemed killed in action, I sought revenge on the bastards who put me through that, and lived in the underworld of London. All by myself, that is.”

At this sudden talk about his past, the little pufferfish looked somewhat puzzled.

But Moran ignored that, and continued in an impassioned voice.

“Back then, I’d been prepared to live alone for a long, long time. But then I met William. It feels cliché to say this, but I’ve truly found friends that I can trust.”

He pressed his face up against the tank.

“What I’m trying to say is…… Even though you’re living alone right now, one day, you’ll surely meet people whom you can trust from your heart. So even though you’re alone, that’s no reason to feel down. If you live on with determination, you’ll definitely——”

Moran stopped. In the glass of the aquaria, the figures of two men were reflected back at him.

With a nasty sense of foreboding, he quietly turned around.

There, standing with poise, were Louis and Albert.

“……How long have you two been standing there?” he asked cautiously.

Looking uncomfortable, Louis cleared his throat before replying.

“Um…… Sorry, but — ever since you walked in front of that tank, Mr Moran……”

Beside him, Albert broke into a puzzled smile.

“How should I put this…… To be able to speak so candidly with a fish, Colonel: your communication skills are truly marvellous.”

“Really……?”

Hearing that, Moran held his head in his hands. He’d given a heartfelt speech to a fish — it was an utterly embarrassing sight, and his high spirits had come crashing down in an instant.

“That’s unfair, you know: not saying a word, so you could make a fool of me.”

“No, in this case, you really were digging your own grave……”

“I suppose you’re right…… It’s no wonder you pretty much spend all your time here, Louis. To be unbothered by such simple things: is this the magic of tropical fish?”

“No…… Well, yes — if you say so, Mr Moran, then I’m sure it is……”

In reality, to have made Moran commit a blunder that was so unlike him, it might not have been entirely wrong to call it “magic”. Taking his feelings into consideration, Louis conceded the point.

Then, Albert spoke up in a terribly gentle voice.

“Colonel. If you’re exhausted, I could put a word in with William to give you a break from your duties.”

“Please don’t actually take pity on me……”

Albert had not taken his usual teasing tone with him; instead, his kindness was genuine, and Moran responded in a thin voice.

“……Well, I can’t help it, now that you’ve seen that.”

In truth, Moran had suffered enough mental damage to make him want to sleep through an entire night. But somehow, he pulled himself together, and resumed watching the fish.

As he did so, the other two men whispered to one another with serious faces. Even as the tips of his ears turned red, Moran pretended not to notice.

Then, as he walked around the room, he realised something.

“On a closer look, isn’t there a big difference in the way they're being treated?”

Earlier, Louis had been concerned for Moran; but now he reacted in dismay.

“What’re you saying? I do my best to care for them equally.”

“Then, what’s this?”

Moran gestured to a tank with his chin.

It was the aquarium that housed the very last few fish to be given names the other day — in other words, the three angelfish named after the Moriarty brothers.

Louis tilted his head slightly.

“What about them?”

“No matter how you look at it, isn’t their tank somehow more luxurious than the rest?”

Moran narrowed his eyes. As he’d pointed out, the other tanks were furnished simply, containing only the bare essentials for their inhabitants’ upkeep. In contrast, the angelfishes’ tank had an elaborate layout: it contained a variety of aquatic plants, and the lighting had even been adjusted to maximise the attractiveness of the display.

“Oh, Louis told me about that bright red one before: isn’t it an Alternanthera reineckii?”

“Besides that, I’ve also planted some Echinodorus tenellus.”

“I told you to stop that, didn’t I?!” Moran snapped.

Albert and Louis’s jargon-filled discussion immediately ground to a halt.

“In any case, I don’t see those fancy plants being grown in the other tanks.”

“Aren’t you overthinking things? I obtained some new aquatic plants recently, so I just placed them in an appropriate tank.”

“I don’t know: maybe you got attached to them, since they’ve been named after the brothers you look up to so much. In fact, it has felt that way for a while now.”

Actually, it hadn’t just been this time: ever since the angelfishes were named after the three brothers, Moran had gotten the feeling that Louis had become strangely devoted to them.

However, Louis seemed irked by that suggestion.

“Even for you, Mr Moran, such remarks are inexcusable. To me, these fish are nothing more than a means for my brother’s plan to succeed — I hold no special affection for them.”

Louis’s tone was severe: a product of his devotion to the duty he’d been assigned. But Moran seemed unmoved.

“No matter how you try to spin it, the present state of things says it all. But I’m not trying to accuse you of playing favourites. So you treat them a little better, since they were given William and Albert’s names. That’s a normal feeling to have, innit?”

At that, Albert — who’d been worried about Moran up until earlier — agreed.

“The Colonel’s right. The plan is simply to bring the fish to Stapleton alive; as long as your methods of rearing them aren’t causing any harm, you’re free to act as you like, Louis.”

“…………”

Even though they were living things, Louis wanted to deny outright that he held any unnecessary affection for what were mere tools. But now that he’d been admonished by his older brother, he fell silent, and said nothing more.

“Anyway, we’re getting closer to the day William wants to make contact with the target. Keep up the good work, Louis; you’re doing great.”

Leaving those appreciative words behind, Albert left the room.

“Well, it’ll be fine as long as you don’t let all of them die. It’s alright to have fun in moderation, y’know.”

Then, after a brief look around the tanks, Moran left the hall as well. But as he stepped out the door, he glanced back at Louis.

Seeing the man’s earnest expression, all of a sudden, a slight unease fluttered in his chest.

T/N: Moran is actually quite a sentimental guy… And Albert -not- teasing him for once kinda warms my heart… :3

[hops-hunny]

You’ve Been Dethroned

Pairing: Hermione x POC!Reader

Word Count: 1.5k

Summary: Hermione goes off in search for who’s replaced her as head student and is surprised at who she finds.

Nothing could describe the look on Hermione’s face when she finally had it confirmed that she had lost her place as top student in all her classes. She had heard the rumors circulating the castle all morning but didn’t worry too much about it because after all, she had been at the top of her class for years. Who could possibly replace her now especially during this time of year? She hadn’t believed it until she heard two professors discussing the matter along the halls. Her face took on a scowl as she recalled the event that she came across only moments ago.

Hermione turned the corner, heading on her way to meet the boys in the library. She was in quite a pleasant mood due to her performance on her recent potions exam. After she excelled on it she found herself thinking 'how on earth could the rumors be true'? She had always been on top and there’s no way she could stop now...or so she thought. “Did you hear about Miss Granger? It was quite a shock to me when Miss (l/n) surpassed her marks.”  she heard Mcgonagall. She watched with wide eyes as her and Hagrid conversed.

“Hermione is a smart gal, but so is (y/n). She’s brilliant. Got like a 6th sense for magical creatures.” He said with a nod. She couldn’t believe it. Her spot was taken by some girl who she didn’t even know? Who was this (y/n) (l/n) anyway? She couldn’t have been in gryffindor cause she had never once heard of her. So, who was she?

Hermione held that thought as she walked into the library. The anger and frustration was radiating off of her causing many people to stare as she stormed over to where Harry and Ron sat. They both looked up at her as she made her way over, giving each other a shared look. As she neared, they both pretended to be working on their essays. She slammed her books on the table, gathering the attention of both her friends and a brief but harsh ‘shh!’ from Madam Pince. “Bloody hell ‘Mione, what’s up your arse today?” Ron said, causing Harry to kick his shin under the table.

She rolled her eyes glaring at him. “I know you’ve heard about...argh! I can't even begin to fathom what happened. Merlin, I’ve worked so hard for the past 4 years just to be replaced by some dimwit.” She said, opening up her ancient runes book, trying to concentrate on the pages. After she realized she had read the same sentence at least 4 times, she closed her book with a sigh, glancing up at her friends.

“(L/n) is actually pretty nice, Hermione. Especially for a slytherin." Harry said, recalling the few times he had spoken to her. He offered her a soft smile in hopes the small gesture would provide some ease of mind to her.

"Yeah and besides, she clearly couldn't be that dim-witted if she passed you in not just one but all of your courses." Ron chuckled out, which was shortly interrupted by Harry kicking him again. Hermione shot him a glare, taking what her friends said into consideration. Her curiosity was starting to get the best of her. Who was this girl? It was obvious the house difference is why she had never noticed her. 

“Of course she’s a slytherin. She probably did this on purpose! Do you know where I may find her at this time?” She asked, packing her things. She was quite determined at this point to find this abstruse girl who had risen as the most “intelligent” in the castle. She had told herself that it wouldn’t come to this and that she wouldn’t hyperfixate on it. She didn’t have to be the best, did she? She knew how smart she was and that should have been enough. However, the nagging in the back of her mind said otherwise.

“You’re not serious are you? Merlin ‘Mione! Just let the girl have it, I don’t see why it’s such a big deal.” Ron shook his head, sighing as he finished his statement. He looked up at his friend and as they locked eyes, he knew she was being quite serious. As most things were, she wasn’t going to let this go until she got into the bottom of it. Him and Harry looked at each other before both coming to the same conclusion.

“She usually hangs around the quidditch pitches. But I don’t think that’s a...good idea.” He sighed, shaking his head. Hermione was already out of the library by the time he could finish what he was saying. That girl was as stubborn as she was smart.

-----------

As Hermione neared the area, she asked a few wondering students where she was. Most of them gave her an odd look, others shrugging because they simply didn’t know. She finally got the answer she was looking for, heading to the stands trying not to get in the way of the ongoing practice that was there. She scoured the stands eagerly in search of the girl, finally coming across..her? She let out an audible gasp as she looked up at her. This couldn’t be the girl, could it? She took in her appearance causing her blood to boil. The girl had a mess of (h/l) (h/c) hair on her head, her tie hung loosely around her shirt, which was untucked and half unbuttoned. She had her papers scattered around in which Hermione could only describe as ‘disorganized chaos’. She was currently laughing about something with two slytherin girls, Daphne Greengrass and Pansy Parkinson. As Hermione neared the girl, they all turned their attention to her.

“Ah Hermione, to what do I owe the pleasure?” she said adding a smug smile. Hermione felt her cheeks heat up at the gesture. She couldn’t deny, there was some charm to the messiness of her appearance. She looked her up and down, noticing the way her brown skin gleamed beautifully in the sunlight before clearing her throat. She couldn’t forget what she had come to do.

“Don’t play coy, (L/n). How did you do it? Did you cheat? Cause it appears to me you’re just goofing around most of the time.” She snapped, standing directly in front of the girl. (Y/n) rolled her eyes and scoffed, shaking her head in disbelief. She leaned forward, their faces close together. Hermione’s cheeks flushed at the action as she tried to remain composure.

“Although that was very forward and rude of you, I'm going to give you a pass because of how lovely you are. But to answer your question, no, I didn’t cheat. You don’t have a stick up your ass constantly to be good at something. Yeah, I do slack off a lot but it’s all in good fun. I’m quite serious about my studies.” She said softly, her eyes flickered to the girls lips for a second as a thought crossed her mind. She reached forward slightly tucking a few strands of loose hair behind Hermione’s ear. “I’d be happy to show you a few of my studying tricks sometime though.”

Hermione was quite taken back. Her heart beat so loud that she was surprised no one could hear. She couldn’t deny the girl was beautiful. Entrancing dark brown eyes, each strain of curly hair coiled perfectly. She usually found herself being quite brave. She was the girl who always had a quick witted response but she was stumped. She didn’t trust her voice at the moment so she opted for a nod. (Y/n) smiled.

“I guess it’s a date then!” she said. She thought for a second before pecking the gryffindor's cheek. Hermione’s cheeks were red as poppies at this action, quite stunned. She brought her hand up to her cheek, feeling the gloss coat the tip of her fingers. Yy/n) winked at her before turning back to her conversation with her friends. Hermione began to walk off, not even bothering to meet Harry and Ron back in the library. Instead, she wandered back to her dormitory in a state of dazed wonder.

---------------------

“So let me get this straight, you started to put extra effort into your studies just to get my attention?! Why didn’t you just, I don’t know, talk to me like a normal person?” Hermione giggled, stroking her girlfriend's head in her lap. It was a nice spring day so the two had decided to take their studying near the lake instead of the stuffiness of the library. Usually they’d get a lot done but (y/n) had been feeling very affectionate this particular day. So, in turn, their books had been long forgotten and tossed to this side. 

“Well, I had to do something big, something grand. I wanted to impress you.” (y/n) said as she flipped onto her back, reaching up to caress her girlfriend’s cheek. “That and I knew you’d be too bloody stubborn to actually talk to me. Even Merlin himself couldn’t get you to communicate with any slytherins.” she giggled as she finished her statement. Hermione gasped, smacking her girlfriend on the shoulder which caused her to giggle more.

 The gryffindor’s eyes held a mischievous glint to them as she got an idea. She picked the sun kissed girl up bridal style before running over to the lake and throwing her in. She laughed as the girl floated back up to the top gasping as she looked at her counterpart. (y/n) quickly grabbed her arm dragging her in with her.

So much for a study date.

A/N: Hey guys this is my first imagine so please lmk if you enjoyed it! I have a few more things that I’m working on currently.

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: Hi. I hope you had/are having a great summer break. I (INTP) am hoping for some perspective about an issue. Recently, my mother, whom I hadn’t seen in a while, became incredibly frustrated that I corrected her with an alleged “I know everything” attitude.

It’s an issue of concern because she revealed that I always do this. I guess this was the straw that broke it, especially given that what we were discussing was very trivial. (Maybe the frivolousness of the subject is precisely what made my correction seem more pedantic, unnecessary, arrogant.) She says that my attitude disregards her long life experience, and that if she were a stranger, she would think of me as a “snot-nosed brat who knows nothing about life” instead of as a “wise young person”, which is the viable alternative. She said that I am closed-minded and that I shoot everything down. (The problem of small-mindedness is what you addressed the only other time I wrote to you.)

I don’t know why I come off as arrogant. I’m sure that I’m not. I asked my mother what it was that made her think that, which she thought was a silly question because what she sensed was a general demeanor rather than specific behaviors. In the end we were only able to establish that my lack of eye contact was one of those factors. I can work on that, but surely that’s not determinant. What makes people think of others as arrogant? Should I stop correcting people? I don’t correct others in order to feel superior to them. I do it because I like to debate, in order to keep my thinking sharp, and because there is something painful about friends/family having false notions. I think it’s fair to say that my intention isn’t rooted in arrogant soils.

Granted, my suggestion of stopping correcting people is black-and-white, given that there is the grey option of changing the *way* I correct people. I’m just wondering if it’s an unhealthy habit in the first place. But given how prevalent a thought process it is (i.e. questioning people’s statements and finding faults), the process of getting rid of it may be akin to self-directed psychological violence. I mean, this is the same mode of being that makes me good at what I’m good at. (There’s also the option of keeping the thought process, but not correcting people aloud, but I don’t know what else there is to talk about other than analyzing ideas and their faults. Maybe I should analyze ideas for their strengths too, and express that side more than the faults.)

So anyway, let’s go with grey: So far I’ve tried thinking of an arrogant person that I know in order to understand my behavior, but I can’t think of anyone. Also, no matter how hard I try to put myself in someone else’s shoes in order to simulate an interaction with myself, it doesn’t really work, and I can’t see the arrogance, except if I were to just tell someone “that’s wrong” without any explanation. (I wonder if that’s what went wrong in the conversation with my mother.) Either way, this whole issue boils down to the fact that I’m not arrogant by any reasonable criteria that I found online, but that I come off as such. This was longer than intended. Thanks for your kindness and help.

-----------------------

Here are some questions for you to reflect on. They are meant to increase awareness of your underlying assumptions, beliefs, and values. Answer honestly:

Do you care about your mom? Do you care about how she's faring, what she's experiencing, what she's thinking or feeling, what she needs and desires, what she hopes for or aspires to, etc?

If you care, how do you SHOW your care to her?

If you don't care, how does that affect your behavior toward her?

Do you believe that the mother-child relationship only goes one-way? (Is it the mom's job to do for you but you owe her nothing?)

You say you like to debate to sharpen your mind. Innocent enough. I like to roller skate to keep myself physically fit. In an ideal world, I would never take my skates off. Does my enthusiasm for roller skating mean that I slap my skates on anywhere, any time? No. Surely it is inappropriate to skate around a hospital or the supermarket. Not only could I seriously harm myself, I would also be exhibiting flagrant disregard for the safety and well-being of others.

What you like to do for yourself sometimes comes into conflict with other people. If you care about people and hope to have healthy and happy relationships with them, you have to take their needs and wants into consideration in every interaction. You have to abide by ethical rules and principles that allow your needs to be met without neglecting the needs of others or interfering with their ability to get their needs met. Without ethics, society wouldn't be able to function, because it would just be a free-for-all.

You mention small-mindedness. It is quite small-minded to walk around the world only thinking about what you need/want. In the best case scenario, you are completely oblivious to others, and they will perceive you as clueless or self-absorbed. In the worst case scenario, you only interact with people for your own personal gain, and that would make you an exploitative or even abusive person. Is that the kind of person you want to be?

Do you basically treat people as though their sole purpose on earth is to debate you and help you sharpen your mind - to serve you? Do you launch into debates with people without asking for consent or checking to see if they want to be corrected? If you do, they will call you arrogant, not because you've put yourself on a pedestal and call yourself superior like an evil cartoon character, but because you are communicating to them that your needs/wants are most important AND you don't give a damn about theirs.

Webster's definition of arrogance: "an insulting way of thinking or behaving that comes from believing that you are better, smarter, or more important than other people". You believe that you know better, otherwise, you wouldn't grant yourself the social authority to intrude on people's boundaries, invalidate their experience, and correct them uninvited. You believe that you are smarter, otherwise, you wouldn't automatically assume the dominant social role of corrector. You behave as though you are the more important member of the relationship because your main priority is YOUR need to feel better (about your skills or about what others believe) while overlooking the other person's needs. Seems like you fit the definition quite well.

Despite that, I wouldn't call you arrogant because I understand that small-mindedness is a difficult problem to overcome. I see the effort that you're putting in to understand it. I'm charitable because I'm not the one who was hurt by your behavior. When people feel hurt, they often have difficulty expressing it. Maybe it comes out clumsily or they aren't able to explain their hurt without hurting you in return. Expressing one's true feelings is to make oneself vulnerable. If someone doesn't trust you to understand and validate their feelings or, worse, they believe that you will attack them for their feelings, they will not be completely honest with you. Your mom is trying her best to give you the benefit of the doubt by saying "if you were a stranger...", but she doesn't feel comfortable enough with you to express her hurt fully and explicitly as it happens. Why? Because the very reason she is hurt in the first place is that you have shown very little regard for her feelings. Following from the previous post of yours, the root of the problem is that you have such a poor understanding of feelings to begin with that you view them as inconsequential in yourself and others (very immature Fe).

I believe you have no ill-intent. I have said before that the typical Ti dom never sets out to hurt people on purpose. Rather, they hurt people unintentionally because their perspective is too small: 1) they don't grasp that other people's needs may be very different from their own and thereby fail to consider them, 2) they don't know how to empathize with different perspectives and validate them, and/or 3) they don't understand that SHOWING love and care is necessary for people to justify continued investment in the relationship.

In other words, Ti doms tend to hurt people out of negligence or acts of omission. Some of them get frustrated at not being able to solve their relationship problems. They might try to convince themselves that doing nothing means that no harm can be done, so they adopt a passive stance in the relationship and perhaps even train themselves to keep their mouth shut (self-violence). They fail to understand that there's more than one way to cause hurt. Instead of learning better relationship skills, they check out mentally and emotionally. Being checked out only makes it worse because you hurt yourself and you keep hurting others by being even less attentive to their needs.

The foundation of meaningful relationships is showing care. In a healthy relationship, people trust you to care for their emotional needs and not violate their personal boundaries. If you only attend to your own needs/wants in social interaction, you are signalling that you don't really care about the other person. This problem with your mom shows that you give little to no consideration for emotional needs and personal boundaries. If you don't want friends, it's entirely your choice to be alone for the rest of your life, pretending that you never leave any footprints behind you. If you want friends, you'll have to put out more effort to be a better friend, by paying more attention to the consequences of your behavior.

Doing things that violate trust and boundaries, even if unintentional, causes hurt. When people feel hurt and don't feel safe to express the hurt, they are liable to say/do negative things. To have good emotional intelligence is to see past the surface of their negative words/behavior and grasp the underlying emotional needs that were unmet and/or the personal boundaries that were violated. Only then can you be a morally responsible member of a relationship, in terms of owning all the ways that you impact people, both positively and negatively.

Arrogant people don't care about the social impact they produce. As long as they get what they want and don't lose anything, the existence of others is of little importance to them. If your mom is important to you, then learn how to show it better by listening to her when she tells you about her needs/wants. You hyperfocus on the literal meaning of the word "arrogant" and whether it is true/false of you, as though proving it false means that there's nothing wrong. You need to listen to the people you have hurt, if you want to understand why your behavior is hurtful. Alternatively, you need to educate yourself about emotional needs, interpersonal boundaries, and what constitutes un/ethical behavior and why.

[hatboyproject]

This is very long, but it might be of interest to someone, somewhere. I was asked recently about the direction I'm taking this romance in and whether or not I'll be addressing certain disability specific subjects within it. The answer, of course, is yes - I have always planned to do this in one form or another. Whilst no single piece of media can address everything I'd like to say on the subject, and I am working within the bounds of a larger story with its own pacing and focus to consider, there's still room to touch on some of these things.

I'm aware that my interpretations won't always be the same as others'. They are my interpretations, coloured by my experiences and feelings, and ultimately, this is my mod - I'm writing it for everybody who 'wears the ballcap,' so to speak! But, it's my interpretation of this character that I'm trying to share with everyone. Different people "took the helm" (laugh, I'm hilarious!) on writing Jeff across the trilogy, and as time has gone on I've been trying to convince myself that it's okay to have my turn at doing that, too - albeit in a non-professional capacity. So... Let's get into my interpretation of Jeff, where his stuff comes from on my view, and how things went to get him to where we are at the beginning of ME3, where the romance can occur.

A lot of how I interpret him comes from experiences in my own life with my own issues, and with those of my loved ones, some of whom are physically disabled in similar (but not identical) ways to Jeff. Some of this carries an element of catharsis for me.

Mechanically and narratively speaking, what draws me to writing this romance is the contrast between how these two characters are strong. It's this core idea that strength doesn't have only one manifestation in a person. That loving somebody doesn't have to be done only one way, that it can be beautiful and passionate and fulfilling - even if, when it gets physical, the headboard can't exactly be made to shatter with the force of it all. For me, it's also an exercise in insecurity and dealing with feelings of frustrated inadequacy - something that has plagued me my whole life.

Yes, yes, he's fictional - but the only way for me to really get into a character is to think about them as if they're a real being. When I look at Jeff as a person, I see many things... Some very positive, some pretty negative... I try to see him as a complete person with strengths and flaws.

On the surface he is often defensive, dismissive, sarcastic, and emotionally avoidant. But why is that? He is highly skilled, dedicated and capable, and knows it, but at the same time is a person who is constantly overlooked, underestimated, and asked to work thrice as hard to get the same considerations. Even then, his validity is questioned often by almost everyone around him. Over time, combined with the realities of living with his physical condition, this has given him some deep-seated insecurities. He feels the need to brag about his skills because they are, ultimately, the one thing about himself that he is absolutely certain has real worth. He overcompensates for this by abusing rules and technicalities wherever he can, because I think he knows that if he played life by the rules, he'd never have gotten anywhere. It's a stacked deck, so why not hide some aces up his sleeve? When you don't fit in the box provided, you question the value of every box you see.

When a person lives with this long enough, it can get hard to swim against the tide of society's expectations and still remain chipper about it, let alone not internalise some of it. It can cause a person to create a shell constructed out of distrust and untruth.

Living with a disability can really suck sometimes, and the suck is compounded when having to deal with your own frustrations plus those of others. In my personal experience, that happens a lot.

There is a certain sense of alienation that it can create, and it can become a kind of Sword of Damocles. It can be easier to anticipate rejection and others' assumptions, inabilities to understand or relate than to keep reaching out, only to have the same tired conversations about being different. I see a lot of this in him. I understand the chip he has on his shoulder.

I also see an extremely sensitive, empathetic, devoted and boundlessly loving person under all that. In fact, it's because of these things that I think he actively tries to distance himself. At the core of his being, I see Jeff as somebody who loves quickly and completely. I think he sees that as a vulnerability, incompatible with what he's learned he has to do to survive... and also with the machismo thing that comes with being a pilot. I think on some level he's terrified of that about himself, but he also can't help it. Jeff is ride or die. So, he tells himself he doesn't care and never lets anyone in. Any time anyone showed interest, he'd shut them down, alienate them, distance himself, and get in the seat of something that flies.

I think up until now, (ME3) he's seen intimacy both as a thing he longs for, but is also afraid of because of his fundamental knowledge that he is different. He thinks he can't "measure up" to what he sees all around him. He sees romance as something that will lead to his inevitable rejection and being crushed, emotionally - and if he's not careful, physically, too. I think he's embarrassed about that as well. He's very interested where it comes to all that, but the things he likes to watch, he knows he can't do like that. His only experience is second-hand as a voyeur, so some of his perceptions about that are unhealthy for him. I think any kind of attempt by the medical professionals in his life to broach the topic and offer support on, he's angrily changed the subject, or stopped listening to, because of the entire mess above. I think Jeff is kind of a lonely person, and some of it is self-imposed, though the reasons for him thinking it's the right thing to do aren't all within his control.

All this is difficult for him to reconcile with, because he has been desperately in love with his commanding officer since almost the moment s/he met him, but entirely unprepared to face it.

I think at first it was easy for him to dismiss it as a stupid crush. Everyone gets them when cramped up in close quarters in stressful situations and the Commander's magnetism was hard to ignore. But then it became clear that Shepard really hadn't read his file and really hadn't made any assumptions at all about him. S/he just wanted to know him, and as time progressed and that actually bore out, it got hard not to really feel something powerful, even though s/he was the Commander and it wasn't strictly appropriate to think that way. But, then there was that thing about not fitting in the box provided...

I think he agonised over coming to Shepard with it, but ultimately decided it would be selfish with everything they were going through. I think there was a part of him that decided s/he'd never be interested anyway, not when there were other, healthier people to choose from... People who didn't have these hangups or need special accommodations made for them. I think he decided to keep it to himself, for what he felt was both their sakes.

If/When the Commander quietly hooked up with someone else, I think he had a lot of feelings all at once. On the one hand, the person he cared for most was finding some peace in all the craziness. On the other, he wished that particular brand of peace was shared with him. Most of the time there were more important things to worry about, but during downtime, I think it was on his mind a lot.

I think he feels very sheepish about it, but occasionally his jealousy got the better of him and he interrupted Shepard at moments that got too hard to watch on the security cams. He watched the cams around the ship lot, and listened in on all the others a fair bit. I think because he saw himself as being at a remove from most people in a lot of ways, it was easy to justify that to himself. I think he saw it kind of like listening to a podcast or a soap opera or... Nature documentary, almost, or something. He got to know all of them in this way... Parasocially at first, but gradually, socially too. He felt better about trying, because he had this secret edge. Not the greatest stuff he's ever done, but... Complete person. Strengths and flaws.

And then, the unthinkable happened. He couldn't accept that the ship was dying. He was sure he could save it... But when Shepard's hand touched his shoulder, when s/he'd come back for him, he knew it was over. And then, it really was over. Shepard paid the price for his arrogance. The person he wanted to protect the most spun off out into space. The communicator between his mask and that helmet was still in range for long enough that he could hear the choking. For a long time afterward, even hearing people cough made the hairs on the back of his neck stand on end.

The Alliance grounded him. I don't think he even had the capacity to be mad about it. I think that was a hard time for Jeff. I think between being burdened with the knowledge of the Reapers, the loss of Shepard, and the weight of his guilt, he was pretty close to the very, very edge when Cerberus knocked on his door and made him a bunch of promises. Pretty sure those promises had nothing to do with leather seats and everything to do with Project Lazarus. I'm very sure that the promise of Shepard coming back is the reason he even let Cerberus pay for the surgeries he agreed to undergo, because I don't think he valued himself much at all at that point. I'm pretty sure it was being ready to help Shepard that he was thinking about when he was learning to walk on his painful legs without crutches for the very first time. When Cerberus offered him a big shiny reset button I think he took it without hesitation because there wasn't anything else to hope for. I think seeing Shepard in the docking bay galvanised him and without ever telling them so, he pledged his life to them even harder than before. I think he told himself that he would support Shepard in every way he could. He would go wherever, do whatever, and when dealing with him, try to give them what he knew they needed; a goddamn break.

So, fast forward again, and now we are here. With all of this in mind... Shepard might have had a dalliance with someone else, or might've been too damaged by their previous love interest on Horizon, or whatever. Either way, I think Jeff saw it as not his business to even dream about that. I think the guilt tore him up every time he looked at Shepard. I think he felt like on some level, he deserved the pain of unrequited feelings which only ever got more intense. If he didn't think himself worthy of it back then, doubly so now. I think during the six months of house arrest, he tried to visit, but the Alliance denied his every attempt. Then the attack on Earth happened.

And so now we have Jeff, who, just like other humans is confused and groping about for a sense of what's up and what's down. Fortunately for him, Shepard is part of that sense of stability. He's just better at hiding it, because avoiding it and telling himself to focus elsewhere is second nature to him by this point. But things are a little different, now. Shepard seems looking around for a connection too. Future days seem short in number and the rulebook less and less important by the minute. Denying it to himself becomes impossible, and even EDI prods him about it. Shepard won't stop being so goddamn nice to him and even responds with things that if he didn't know better, he could interpret as... But then all the old insecurities come rushing back and he's walking on his own damn eggshells again. Fuck it. It's time to admit it. To come clean. S/he has to know.

So he asks. And s/he accepts. He's equal parts thrilled, stunned and terrified. He's even on some level, suspicious. Is s/he setting him up for a fall? Are they angry about his responsibility? What do they want out of this, actually? He hasn't explained what it'd be like. That what they're doubtlessly expecting of him is unrealistic. That he's completely inexperienced. I think at this point, he's a bit pissed off with himself and feeling a lot of dread because he's pretty sure how this is going to go. He realises he's got so caught up in it that he's done things in the wrong order. Damage control. He has to talk with Shepard and explain what s/he should expect from him, because it will be different. Manage expectations because he's had to manage his own. He goes in steeled.

But s/he knows it will be different, it turns out. As ever, Shepard has made no assumptions whatsoever. S/he only wants to get to know him. Wants him for everything he is, and accepts what he is not. It was never an issue for them beyond understanding how to work with it, because he is worthy just as he is, and has worked hard enough. He has to teach them about his limitations, about underestimating and overestimating... But where there's a will, there's a way. Time for a few shared moments of peace before the end of days, and through all the craziness, something feels right at last. He feels safe enough to let Shepard in properly. Thus begins his reassessment of himself and reckoning with letting go of the insecurities he has that aren't actually his own, but come from outside.

Also he totally gets to sext the Commander now when s/he's on missions. Nice.

So. There's a lot more I could say and expound upon but it's been hours and I have stuff to do. That's my direction. It's not going to suit everyone, and I doubt I can get everything across... But I'll try. I'm just one person, with just one perspective, with just one version of this story. But I hope people like what I come up with surrounding this framework, because I have lived a lot of it myself. Just a few less Reapers in my version. Not everyone's experiences and responses will be the same.