#I’ve known her forever and if I could wish anyone happy it would be her

[gumdropgamespot]

💍

[rubyuji]

Forever (Yoon Jeonghan) ♛ ⚜ ࿐ ࿔ ⁺₊

“What are you so worried about my lady? I feel these suitors aren’t very fit for you this season. Dare I say, and honestly, I might be the only man who would be worthy of your affections.”

Genre: Romance, BSF2L, Slight Angst

AU: Bridgerton/Regency!au

Pairing: Jeonghan x Afab!reader

Warnings: None

Synopsis: You yearned for him every moment he stepped into your drawing room, but did you stand a chance against a princess despite your status as the Diamond of the Season?

Note: This was so short and underwhelming but I liked it and didn’t want to develop a whole backstory for this (yet). I hope you guys like this update (since I haven’t in like nearly a month help). As always, don’t forget to like + reblog as a way of supporting me and other writers!

WC: 1.6k

It was that time again wherein the courtship scene in London was in a hustle and bustle. Families flaunting their daughters whom they have raised refinely until womanhood, and fortunately enough for you, you had harbored quite the suitors for your desirable beauty.

You were unmatched after being crowned ‘Diamond of the Season’ by the queen herself, but with the princess’ appearance, were you truly?

From Lord Choi Seungcheol, Earl of Greenhill to Joshua Hong the Duke of York, none of which could compare to who truly owned your heart. Your own best friend and the only heir to Lord Yoon of Burlington, Yoon Jeonghan, or Jeonghan as everyone in his circle calls him.

Jeonghan had grown up alongside you because of your family’s close friendship. You had grown accustomed to seeing his soft smile and warm eyes every summer whenever your family would go to the countryside to spend time with the Yoon family.

Though, you wish to have not known of the princess in town taking such interest in him. Who would’ve known that a member of the royal family would pin after a simple nobleman? Wasn’t she supposed to be focusing on her roster of royals?

“Jeonghan, why are you in my drawing room? The callers will be coming any second and I can’t afford a scan—“ you pause, taking in your best friend’s sly smile.

“What are you so worried about my lady? I feel these suitors aren’t very fit for you this season. Dare I say, and honestly, I might be the only man who would be worthy of your affections.” Jeonghan says softly, a chuckle following his words as he looks at you, his gaze burning hot.

“I bet Lady Whistledown would cause such a stir if this unchaperoned encounter had gotten out into the public, but let me offer you a proposal before your guests start scrambling in,” you freeze up at Jeonghan’s words.

It was unexpected, with only the two of you currently in the drawing room as your maid had gone off with your mother to check on the suitors.

“I know that gifts of plenty are not what you want, I’ve known you for years darling. I could buy out every florist in London or buy you the finest dresses and you still wouldn’t be satisfied with such material things, that’s not who you are. You want a genuine connection do you not?” Jeonghan takes your hand in his softly and brushes his lips over your knuckle, causing your breath to hitch.

“But, I too, understand why you were crowned diamond of the season. I’d give anything if it were to make you happy, just by your beauty alone. You’ve always been so captivating, my dear,” he purred.

Reading you was no problem for Jeonghan, after all, he was one of your dearest friends with whom you grew up. Though he joked around like this often and anyone would think he was serious, you’ve learned to shrug it off as time passed.

Yet, he never implied if he was joking or not, the thought simply went over your head as this was passed off light banter between you both.

Also as much as you did wish and hope to see your best friend as a possible suitor, you felt like an idiot when someone like the princess was after his affections.

You would never compare to someone of her likeliness or grace, you were only the diamond of the season who grew up in a simple noble household.

“Jeonghan, you never fail to amuse me, my dearest best friend. You aren’t even a suitor nor caller, yet you’re always in my drawing room to watch over me beforehand,” you chuckle, but he only shakes his head with a smirk gracing his features. One you had grown very fond of over the years.

“My lady, these suitors are chasing after you, but none could compare to me when I don’t need to chase…” Jeonghan trails off, wrapping an arm around your waist. Your face heats up and you tear your gaze away from the man in front of you.

“All I need is a few minutes with you, alone, in this very drawing room,” he finishes, face so close to yours that you could only hold your breath and ignore the loud beating of your heart.

Jeonghan then unravels his arm from around your waist and excuses himself whilst making his way out of the drawing room, winking as he leaves you a flustered mess.

That night, at his own mother’s ball, you started to make haste to distract yourself from your cunning and charming best friend. You felt as though Jeonghan was hardly serious, but that moment in the drawing room continued to play in your head in an endless loop.

“Lady Jeon, it’s a pleasure seeing you tonight,” Taehyung, the son of Lord Kim, approached you as you had wrapped up your conversation with another suitor. He was a polite young man, one of the first callers as well to grace his presence. He was also a close friend of Jeonghan’s.

“Pleasure is all mine my Lord,” you say politely, a curt smile etched on your face as you scan the room for Jeonghan.

“Please, call me Taehyung, my lady,” he replies smoothly. As Taehyung continued to converse with you (or chat your ear off rather), more suitors made their way in your direction. This is when your best friend finally makes his presence known to them.

“Y/n, good evening. You look very lovely tonight,” Jeonghan says, taking your hand and placing a kiss on it.

All the suitors disperse one by one upon his arrival, intimidated by his looming aura. Any of the Lords knew not to mess with Jeonghan due to his reputation of being silent but quite deadly.

“Well, you certainly do have quite the charisma, my lord. You seem to have scared away all my suitors,” you scoff jokingly and take in his appearance.

Jeonghan looked ravishing tonight and seeing all the other noblewomen’s eyes on him, you weren’t the only one who thought so either.

Jeonghan continues to keep your hand in his as he leads you towards the dance floor. “May I have this dance, my lady?” He asks with a smirk, and you nod, flustered at his calling.

You were relieved that you had been smart enough to keep your last dance with him on your dance card, hence why you had been actively avoiding any man who had been asking to dance the whole night.

Though Jeonghan was way past using formalities anymore when it came to you, with you being the same, you couldn’t help but buzz at the way the words simply slipped off his tongue whenever he called you that. It was only in the lighthearted banter that you both ever used formalities teasingly.

Dancing with Jonghan felt somewhat of a dream that night, but you were soon brought back to reality, and your senses, after seeing the princess walk in your direction.

She was so beautiful, her hair was done up in neat curls as she donned a baby blue colored dress. Her gaze was set on Jeonghan and you instantly felt yourself panic.

“Please excuse me, my lord,” you say hurriedly, rushing towards your mother in a frenzy. ‘I have to get home,’ you thought.

Jeonghan was confused at your sudden outburst but quickly realized once the princess had tapped his shoulder from behind.

“Jeonghan, I would like to—“ he interrupted the princess, and he was thankful that nobody else had heard him.

Otherwise, he’d rather die than have his name on another Lady Whistledown article for causing such a scandal. It was ungentlemanly and rude towards the princess.

“Forgive me, Your Majesty, but I cannot marry you like you had hoped. My heart belongs to another,” Jeonghan tells her and runs off to find you in his distress. He could deal with the princess later, but right now, you were the most important thing on his mind.

You avoided Jeonghan the rest of the night, going home early and wallowing in your insecure thoughts, but you knew Jeonghan wouldn’t let you get away so easily. That’s why you weren’t surprised to see him in your drawing room once again the next day.

“Y/n, please tell me what is wrong,” he says, worry lacing his tone. You raise a brow and scoff before looking him in the eyes.

“Jeonghan, there is simply nothing wrong I assure you. After all, you are marrying the princess, aren’t you?—“ He interrupts you as he stands abruptly.

“Y/n, listen to me. I am not going to marry her, I have already confessed to her last night that my heart belongs to another,” Jeonghan says flatly as his brows knit. Your jaw drops at his revelation.

Why wouldn’t he? It was a free pass to a better life after all, and Jeonghan was already the perfect partner for the princess. But then you wondered, who does his heart belong to now? You surely had no chance then as you feel your heart start to crack.

He seems to have read your mind because Jeonghan pulls you in by the waist again and kisses you with the feeling of longing. You reciprocate, kissing him back with just as much fevior.

“My lady, if you were always so worried, you could’ve simply just told me.” Jeonghan smiles after pulling away. You avoid his eyes and look at the floor, he always makes you flustered without even trying.

“It’s always and forever will be you Y/n. My heart yearns for you and only you, now let me court you as I show you how much I care for you. Give me this chance to prove to you how much I love you. I won’t let anything get in between us, just let me show you how much I burn for you,” once the words slipped out of his mouth, you knew that no suitor in the world could ever, compare to him.

© rubyuji 2024’ -. no part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any manner without the permission from the publisher.

[joels-darlin]

Dear Diary...

Pairings: pre-outbreak!Joel Miller x reader, CEO!Joel (sort of)

Warnings: angst, hurt, sadness, Joel has been an ass basically.

Summary: Joel Miller broke your heart. So it's time to do what you do what know best - dust off the diary from the top drawer of your bedside table and put pen to paper.

Word count: 771

Author Note: This one is already up on AO3 but reposting here as I originally deleted it. I also had an idea in my head for a banner so went with it. This is not beta read, if anyone wants to volunteer please let me know! <3

Original Author notes: I am back...sort of! Always wanted to write for CEO!Joel and my original idea just never got off the ground, then this came along. I am unsure if there will be more 'entries' - there are many ideas floating around my head right now for this fic. I guess stay tuned and we will see where this goes! Read on AO3!

Chapter 1: Brokenhearted ~ ~

Dear Diary, Its been awhile since we crossed paths, I left you collecting dust in the drawer for a few months and I’m sorry. For a while life was good, I felt happy. There was no urge to scribble away my deepest and darkest thoughts, I had someone who could take them away instead. His arms a place I considered to be at peace. But here we are again: putting pen to paper. Because everything fell down the steep slippery slope again and this is how I cope best.

Where do I even begin?

Oh wait I know, the coffee shop. The unexpected run-in that was once a happy memory, now tainted. Little did I know the moment I locked eyes with those chocolate brown orbs I was done for. We had our first date a week later, then 10 months he would go running back.

In the midst of all this I am the one that is dealing with the loss. Not just his presence but my routine. Weekends spent curled up in the comfy chairs at the back of that coffee shop, book in hand, a cappuccino and pastry for company. I could spend hours there. But I’ve not been back since, its too difficult. Joel, you have ruined that for me - I hope you are happy.

I’ve never felt loved by anyone. Joel made me feel special. Pouring all my energy into this…relationship? situationship? What would you even call it? it was never the topic of conversation. But those three words were spoken, I remember it clear as day. In the back of my mind there was hope: would I spend the rest of my life with this man? Had I finally found the one?

Everything seemed so right. But no that was not to be. That random Monday in December, the words engrained into my brain forever: “We can’t do this anymore. I’m sorry but…I still love her”

Her meaning his ex-wife, the one he divorced over 12 months ago.

Then it all came pouring out. Those times he backed out on or date nights or phone calls. Told me he was working late to meet deadlines or having client catch-ups. And I stupidly believed him - why you ask? because I understood being the CEO of your own company comes with huge responsibilities. But instead he was meeting her for dinner, drinks and god knows what else. I don’t even want to even comprehend to be perfectly honest. The worst of it? All those broken and empty promises I will never be able to forgive him for. I hope they are happy together.

It’s been a week since that day and everything still feels raw. It’s difficult to describe the feeling of heartache. That crushing weight on your chest making itself known on every breath. The heavy feeling in your heart at the memories that once were. Constant swirling pit of anxiety in your stomach, making things such as eating a chore. Not forgetting the racing thoughts. Overthinking every last moment of what happened these past few months - was it me? what did I do wrong? did you ever really love me? I can’t even begin to tell you how many hours of sleep have been lost. How many nights I’ve spent crying into my pillow, wishing the pain to simply go away. I probably deserved this.

The thoughts are at their loudest when I am alone, there are only so many distractions one can find - even if just for a short period of time. It all plays over and over in my head like a constant film reel. every kiss, every subtle, loving touch and well…every time we laid together. All of this now gone and only a distant memory, he is no longer mine to call. I am in a constant state of anxiety, waiting…just waiting for my phone to ping at any given moment with a message from him. But it will never happen.

I guess now the hard work is to come, attempting to move on from someone you had the deepest of connections with. At the end of the day it wasn’t just on a romantic level it ran so much deeper than that. We shared a common ground for many things: music, books, sports even down to beer! There was no-one else I could sit in the same room with, the two of us doing completely different things, but also feel at peace.

I love him…simple as that. but what pains me the most? I don't regret many things but looking back, he could be one of them.

[morganski-19]

I Don't Know Which Way's Home

Chapter 19: Nightmares

ao3 link, Part 1, Part 18

tw: minor descriptions of physical assault, PTSD panic attack, car crashes, and emetophobia (very minor description)

Present Day, June 1986

It’s been three weeks since the court ruled in Steve’s favor, and he still doesn’t quite believe it. Doesn’t believe it when his lawyer calls to tell him that the payment will be coming to him soon. Doesn’t believe it when that money gets transferred to him. When he pays his lawyer and it’s all over.

Steve doesn’t have to fight with them anymore. Have to think about them anymore. They have absolutely no power over him whatsoever.

He doesn’t know what to do with that really.

All his life, he’s been playing the part designed for him. Done what other people wanted, doing things for himself later. In secret. Now that most of it was out, the pressure gone, he doesn’t know what to do anymore.

Steve gets up to go to a job that he didn’t want in the first place. Really only got because his dad wanted him to get a part time job as punishment for not getting into college. Following Robin after the mall blew up. It was all just stops on a train that he was given the ticket to.

Now he switched trains on his own accord. Went in a different direction. One that he chose because he wanted it. Sounded like a life he wanted to live. Sounded like there were other passengers on the train that might get off at the same destination. Want to spend time with him as they traveled. Get to know him. Maybe even love him.

And that’s what happened. He still doesn’t know how, or why. What to do with it. But he’s learning to.

If anyone were to ask him what he was going to do with this life he has now, with the winnings, he wouldn’t know. He doesn’t know what he wants to do tomorrow let alone in the next five years. The picture he has in his head looks the same as it is now. Happy with everyone he loves around him, looking exactly the same.

But that’s not what’s going to happen.

The kids are going to grow up, change, go off to school. Julie will too, leaving his house empty again. Robin will eventually go to a school that can give her more than a community college can. People in the town will continue to outgrow it.

While Steve continues to stay in the same spot forever. Rooted in the same place that hurt him so much. The same place that helped him grow into someone he’s actually proud of. Showed him the life he could have if he was just brave enough to go and catch it.

Now that he has it, it’s all he’s ever wanted. He’s not ready to let it go quite yet.

“Do you think you could teach me how to drive?” Julie asks Steve over dinner.

Steve freezes in shock, head shooting up to look at her. “Yeah, sure, I guess.”

He’s known her less than a year but the question still makes him feel so old. Feeling like he watched her grow up as she went through so many changes. So many emotions. Slowly formed into the person she is now right in front of him.

“Cool.” Julie says, going back to her dinner.

Steve wonders how long she’s been wanting to learn how to drive. She’s been able to for over a year now, just never got around to it. With the nature of her mother’s accident, he wasn’t sure when she would want to ever learn. If she would want to.

“Is there a reason you wanted to learn?” He asks, trying to sound nonchalant.

Julie shrugs. “Just haven’t yet. And I’ve been thinking about maybe getting a part time job, saving to try and get a car of my own before I go to college. I know it’s still a year away, but cars are expensive and minimum wage is shit.”

College. Something he knew was coming but was hoping it could be a little farther away. He wonders if this is how every parent feels. Wishing their kid would just stay in one place for a little while longer and stop growing. Stop changing. So they don’t have to change with them.

He’s not a parent. Not yet, and not for a long while. But he can’t help but feel some sort of protective instinct over these kids that changed his life. Want to look out for them in every situation, make sure that nothing ever hurts them. He knows that’s not how life is supposed to go. Kids are supposed to make mistakes and learn from them. That’s the way it went for him, so it’s the way it will go for them.

He just didn’t want it to.

“I don’t know why you’re so worked up about this,” Robin comments while unboxing the newest releases. “We all knew this day would come someday.”

Steve sighs, leaning on the door of the stock room. “I just wanted that someday to take longer to actually get here. It’s like the last few years went by so fast and got so muddled in my mind that I forgot time kept moving.”

“I get that. But,” she places the last tape on the cart and turns to him, “just because the kids are getting older, doesn’t mean that they’re leaving.”

They are in a way, though. Even though he knows that won’t be permanent. That they won’t forget about him the way other people have, it still makes the anxiety trapped in his chest start to rise. The instinct to hold on tight and never let go so much stronger.

“This town is too small for them. We both know that. They are going to go do amazing things, while I’m still here doing the same mediocre things I always do.” He holds the door open for her as she rolls the cart through.

“Have you ever thought about doing other things?”

Steve pauses in front of the cart, making Robin run into him. “What?”

“You’re acting like you can’t do other things. If you hate what you’re doing right now, try something different. No one’s forcing you to do the same thing you were doing yesterday.”

She pivots the cart to move around him, leaving him with thoughts he’s honestly been scared to think about.

Steve’s made a routine for himself. Go to work, pick up the kids, drive them around, go home. Live a life that he enjoys and work a job that he kind of hates. Follow his best friend wherever she goes because he’ll love whatever it is.

Was it what he thought he’d be doing with his life, no. Is it something he wanted to do the rest of his life? He doesn’t want to answer that question. The rest of his life was uncertain for the longest time. Each year testing the strength of his body and his mind. Making it feel like tomorrow was some bright future he may never get to see.

It was easy to get so stuck in the present when the future seemed like it would never come. Now that it is, Steve is scared to figure out what it is. What it means for him.  

“Look,” Robin continues, knowing exactly how he’s feeling. “I’m not saying you have to pick what you want to do right now. Or tomorrow, or the day after that. I’m just saying that if you really hate doing this,” she waves towards the shelves, “then you can start thinking about what you would want to do instead. There is still so much time for you to figure it all out.”

Time is something Steve’s learning how to deal with. But Robin’s right. Maybe it’s finally the right moment to think about what he can do with it.

. . .

“That is so exciting,” El exclaims when Julie tells her that Steve is going to teach her how to drive. “You will be the first one of us to learn how to drive.”

“Well, that’s actually Max,” Lucas corrects. “She learned how to drive a while ago.”

“Yeah poorly,” Mike adds. “And only in a parking lot.”

Max rolls her eyes. “I drove in the street that one time.”

“And almost got us killed.”

“Scared Steve shitless.” Dustin laughs.

“Scared all of us shitless.”

“Not me,” Lucas defends. I wasn’t scared.”

Dustin snorts. “So that wasn’t your high-pitched scream then?”

Lucas kicks him under the table.

El turns to Max. “When did you drive?”

Max motions for El to get closer and whispers it into her ear. Just another reminder that Julie has no idea what they are talking about. Another inside joke that she’ll never understand. El takes a second to be shocked before bursting out into giggles.

When the bell rings, Max stops Julie before she can walk away. “Hey, could you help me bring my stuff to my next class. El has a test today so she can’t do it.”

Julie shrugs. “Yeah, sure.”

She picks up Max’s backpack and carries it in front of her. Following after Max as she yells at the groups of seniors who like to stand in the hallway and block everyone’s path.

“So, you and El have gotten pretty close, yeah?” Max asks way too casually than she should for such a loaded question. And in the middle of the hallway.

“I mean we’re friends, right,” Julie tries to play it cool. Especially since to El, this is all they are.

Max stops, turning her chair to Julie and giving her a look that tell her to cut the shit. “That’s not what I meant.”

“I don’t really want to talk about this here.”

She barely wants to talk about it at all. The hatred for herself slowly turning into guilt that churns her stomach each time she looks at El. Knowing that she’s feeling something that she shouldn’t. Almost asking El for something that she can’t give. Wishing that this feeling could go away and they could just go back to being normal friends. Without all this complicated shit.

“That’s fair.” Max resumes rolling down the hallway, stopping in front of her classroom and reaching out to take the bag from Julie. “Your house after school then?”

“You’re not going to let this go, are you?” Julie wishes she would.

“El’s my best friend. Of course I’m not.”

The school day ends, and they go over to her house. She sits next to Max in her room like it’s some interrogation. Waiting for her to be the first to speak. Not wanting to share too much too fast.

“You know, El’s probably going to be pissed when she figures out that we hung out without her,” Max finally breaks the silence.

Julie huffs out a laugh. “Yeah, probably.”

The thing about actually having a crush, Julie realizes, is that it’s so special to have one. Like a little secret that she and only a few other people know. This special little feeling that, at the end of the day, brings her so much joy to have. Even though it’s terrifying. It’s a good terrifying.

“I was really happy when El became friends with you so fast,” Max continues. “I love the guys, but she needed someone else who knew how to take it down a notch. Someone calmer. Someone like you.”

Her lips can’t help but turn into a soft smile. “Really?”

“Yeah,” Max nods. “I think we all needed that too. Life has been crazy the last few years and it’s been nice to have someone to remind us that life doesn’t always have to be tied to that. Especially for El.”

“What do you mean?”

Max takes a deep breath, shifting the pillow behind her. “There’s a lot that I can’t tell you, and there’s stuff that I don’t even really know. None of us do. She wouldn’t tell us all of it. But you know how El is adopted right?”

Julie nods.

“I, uh, don’t know how much of this she wanted me to tell you. Just that she didn’t want to do it herself so bear with me here. Before she was adopted, El was in a really bad home. If that’s what you could even call it. And a lot of really terrible things happened there that none of us like to talk about. She escaped from there one night and eventually got adopted by Hopper.”

Julie remembers that night she stayed at the Byers after they got kicked out of the house. How she told El about the fourth of July when the mall burnt down, and she saw all those people walking to their death. The face El made after she said it. Looking determined as all hell and older than she needed to be. Like a switch in her mind flipped and she was a totally different person than Julie knew her to be.

How horrible her life must have been to take the joy out of her face so fast. To turn defense mode on in a way that made her look like a soldier.

“That’s terrible,” are the only words Julie can think to say.

Max nods, looking down at her hands. “Yeah, it is. This is the same place, same people, that are responsible for a lot of the bad things that happened in this town. They worked at the Hawkins lab.”

“Shit,” Julie sighs, leaning back against her wall.

“Yeah, shit.”

The room fills with silence.

“Why are you telling me all of this now?”

“Because I’ve never seen El open up to a person as fast as she has with you. It took a long time for her to open up to me, and sure there were other things in the way that stopped that, but I’m talking right as we became friends. We were close, but not you guys close.”

Julie can’t imagine Max and El being different from the way they are now. The soft interactions full of a trust that looked so natural. Like they had been friends for a lifetime, fully comfortable around one another.

“And I’m starting to notice, and please tell me if this is out of line, that you might be thinking about El differently than I think about El.”

Julie wonders if this is the time where it isn’t taken well. That someone tells her that this is the worst thing that she could do. Having a crush on a friend could break relationships. She didn’t want to break this one.

“I do,” she finally says to Max. Ready for the berating to start.

Instead, Max nods with resignation. “I think El does too.”

The room starts to buzz as Julie’s heart starts to pick up. “What?”

“She hasn’t, like, told me anything. And she’s probably going to hate me for telling you this at all. But I want to protect her and protect you too and this weird waiting period is really awkward for me, and I’d rather just get to the point where I’m third wheeling.”

“I’m sorry,” Julie interrupts her, still trying to wrap her head around the idea that there’s a possibility that El might like her back. “You think El likes me?”

Max raises her eyebrow. “Have you seen the way she’s been acting around you? Complimenting you every day, clipping your hair back, giggling at literally every joke you say. No offense but that’s a little excessive, your jokes aren’t always that funny.”

Moments start to replay in Julie’s mind. Having been so focused on the way she’s been acting, that she didn’t even notice the way El’s behavior around her changed. How she interacted with Julie just different enough from the rest of the group for it to be significant. For it to be special.

She remembers shrinking in on herself when she knew El was looking at her for longer than she should. Thinking that it was because Julie was making her feel uncomfortable. Never because she could have been doing the same thing Julie has been doing this whole time. Admiring in secret.

“I didn’t notice.”

Max groans. “Of course you didn’t. Neither of you did. It’s like Will and Mike not realizing that they’re into each other. Do you know how frustrating it is to know that your friends like each other but they’re too stupid to do anything about it.”

“Oh my god, you noticed the Will and Mike thing too, I thought that was just me.”

“Don’t try and change the subject. You like El, and I think El likes you. What are you going to do about it?”

Julie winces. “Is nothing an option?”

Max grabs Julie’s arm. “You are driving me crazy. Ask her out or some shit.”

“What if it doesn’t work out?” Julie says, full of fear. “What if I mess up and then I lose all of you guys. I already feel like an outsider sometimes when you guys start talking about the things I don’t know about. I’m the friend that everyone would be ok to lose if this doesn’t work out.”

A few beats pass before Max starts to speak. “Ok, one, you are not the friend that everyone would be ok to lose. You have integrated yourself into the group more than you think you have. Second, you are so focused on a relationship that you haven’t even started yet. Life’s too short to have regret for the steps you didn’t take. Believe me, I know.”

Max wraps her arms around her leg, shifting it to a better position. Inadvertently reminding Julie of the things that have happened the past few years. The events she was just a bystander to, never fully experiencing what happened. When they did, somehow. She still wished she kind of knew.

But maybe Max was right. Maybe Julie could take the risk. Ask El on a date. Hope that it would work out, and that she wouldn’t regret it later. What would she regret more? Asking, or forever wondering how it would have turned out had she not.

. . .

July 1987

The room is blurry as Steve comes into consciousness. The bright lights giving him a headache, and the taste of copper resting on is tongue. His one eye can’t open that well, almost swollen shut. His wrists burn against rope as he twists them. Trying to get them apart.

His good eye blinks, focusing on a pair of black boots in front of him. Raising his head, he meets the scowling face of the Russian officer. Hearing words spoken in a language he doesn’t understand to the other man in the room.

“Ah, he’s awake,” The Russian slurs in English. Stepping forward and looking down at Steve. Menacing.

“Let me go,” Steve begs. “I don’t know anything.”

The officer grabs his hair, pulling his head back to look at him. Steve’s tempted to spit in his face.

“I am only going to ask you this again. Who do you work for?”

Steve can’t help but let out a sad laugh. Knowing he won’t be awake for much longer. “I already told you. I work at Scoops.”

The ringing in his ears starts when his cheek burns. Vision blurring again. He straightens his head, panting to try and get the air back into his lungs. Only for it to leave as the officer hits him again. Always the right side of his head. It hurts so much it’s almost numb.

“No, no, no,” Steve pleads as the officer winds up again. Blood pooling in his mouth with the next collision. He spits on the group. “I work at Scoops,” he screams with as much breath he can muster.

The world goes dark again.

Steve wakes with a scream. The surroundings not matching that of his cell. A weight around his torso preventing him from getting up. He rips the blankets off of him, pulling the weight off and throwing it away. Cursing as his feet can’t kick off the sheets. Can’t get free.

Tears are streaming down his face as he struggles. His hands free. The rope burn stinging his skin. His torso itches like crazy. Like small little bites stabbing into his skin. He needs to find Robin. Needs to see if she’s ok.

“Steve,” a voice says to him. How do they know his same? Did he tell it to them? What are they going to do to him now.

He still struggles with the blanket, finally pulling his feet free. Attempting to get off the bed and search for anything as a weapon. This place isn’t the cell he was in before. They must have moved him when he was knocked out.

“Steve,” the voice says again. Sitting up on the bed and starting to move towards him.

Steve flinches from the touch, raising his fists. Ready to strike them first this time. His heart is beating in his ears, the constant ringing in his right only amplified. Adrenaline pumping through his veins.

He needs to get out of here.

A light clicks on. Illuminating the room he’s in. It doesn’t look like a cell. It looks like a bedroom. Have they constructed this just to give him a false sense of security?”

“It was just a dream, Steve.” The man gets out of the bed, taking a cautious step towards Steve. Hands outstretched to block any punches Steve might throw.

Steve wasn’t the threat here. He was just trying to protect himself.

“Can you tell me three things you notice about this room?” The man cautiously spins them around, clicking on another lamp in the room.

The bare walls reflect the light, the soft yellow so different from the blaring white. The walls a tan instead of white or grey. It looks so familiar, but Steve’s mind is so confused. The tears continue to stream down his face as he tries to figure out where he is.

“I work at Scoops,” Steve stutters.

“I know you do.” The man replies quickly. “I believe you.”

More tears. Steve’s hands lower. They know now. Does that mean he’s free to go?

“Tell me three things you see,” he repeats. So soft it makes Steve want to crumble.

“A bed,” he whispers. “A nightstand. A lamp.”

The man takes another step forward. Coming into more clarity. Brown curls fall onto his shoulders. He looks nothing like the Russians.

“Good. Anything else?”

“There’s a picture on the nightstand. The bed has blue sheets. There’s a poster on the wall.”

Eddie places a gentle hand on Steve’s shoulder, he flinches before leaning into it. Closing his eyes and trying to focus on the touch. Letting it ground him.

There’s a knock on the door. Steve’s eyes fly open again as he whips his head to look. Heartbeat increasing again.

“Take a seat, sweetheart, I’ll get it.”

Steve freezes, unable to move. He’s directed toward the bed, somehow, he sits down. Knuckles clenched into white.

“Are you guys ok,” he hears a soft voice say. “I heard screaming.”

Eddie doesn’t open the door more than a small crack. “Yeah, we’re fine. I got this, you can go back to bed.”

The door shuts with a small click. Eddie returning to Steve. Sits next to him as the adrenaline fades. Leaving his body exhausted and his mind still searching for explanations.

“Can you tell me what year it is, Steve?”

He shakes his head.

“It’s July second, 1987. You survived them, Steve. Everyone did.”

A sob escapes his throat. His body collapsing into himself. Curling up as the energy releases. He’s wrapped into a hug and pulled further into the bed. Being protected while he falls apart.

Steve wakes up again a few hours later. Gets out of bed and into a routine. Takes a shower, gets dressed, makes himself breakfast. Goes through the motions of a normal morning.

The front door closes quietly. Eddie and Robin coming into the house. Sitting with Steve at the table.

“I took Julie to school, that’s why I wasn’t here,” Eddie explains. “I told Robin what happened.”

Robin looks down at the table, biting at her lip. “Tomorrow marks two year since-.”

Steve looks at his coffee. “Yeah, I know.”

“I can’t believe it’s been that long. It feels so close yet a lifetime away.”

“It was like I was back there. Even when I woke up.” Steve takes a deep breath. “I thought it was going to be better this year.”

Robin’s hand finds his, her fingers shaking. “Me too.”

They find themselves curled up on the couch for the rest of the day. Eddie there just to make sure they’re both ok. The house quiet except for the low volume on the tv. Lights off so they don’t flicker. Robin’s fingers pressed into Steve’s wrist to feel his pulse. His arm holding her close, proving that she’s there.

They made it out of there. They’re both alive. He wishes that their minds would stop trying to tell them otherwise.

. . .

Julie walks into a dark house. Steve and Robin asleep on the couch with Eddie awkwardly sitting next to them. Looking out of place. She wants to ask about what she heard last night. How she heard the screams from across the hall.

Eddie gets up when he notices her. Motions for her to meet him in Steve’s bedroom. Shuts the door gently behind them before turning on the light.

“You probably have a few questions about last night.”

Julie nods. “Is he ok?”

Eddie runs a hand down his face. “Physically, yeah, he’s fine. But other than that, he will be. This week is an anniversary of something for him. He was reminded of that last night.”

“The mall fire,” Julie fills in. “I know that they were there that night.”

“Do you know why?”

Julie shakes her head. No one would tell her more when she asked.

Eddie nods, crossing his arms and swaying on the balls of his feet. “I’m not sure if I’m allowed to tell you what happened. I don’t even know the full of it.”

She thought Steve told him everything. “It was bad, wasn’t it?”

“Yes. It’s the reason Steve can’t hear well in his right ear anymore. And the reason he gets really bad PTSD attacks. Like the one he had last night.”

“And that’s why,” she tilts her head to the door. Knowing that Steve and Robin tangled together in the living room.

“She was there too.” Eddie looks at the door. Pain painting his face. “A part of me wishes I knew what really happened to them so I could help. But they already relive this pain more than they should, they don’t need to do it again just to fill me in.”

Julie pauses before asking the question that’s been on her mind since the first time she heard screams through the walls. Wonders if there’s a part of her that really wants to know. Or if this is just morbid curiosity. But there were memories of her own that haunt her. Placing her back into moments of her life with things left unexplained.

She cares about these people. It hurts to know that they are in pain. And if she could help, know how to help them through the panic or PTSD attacks, she thinks it’s important enough to know.

“Do you think you could tell me what you know,” she asks softly. “Or at least what you do to help calm him down. I think it would be good for me to be prepared in case it happens and you or Robin aren’t here.”

Eddie presses his lips together. “I’ll do the second one, not the first. As much as he doesn’t want to talk about it, it’s not my story to tell.”

“That’s fair.”

Eddie tells her what he does to calm Steve down when it gets really bad. How with the panic attacks, it’s good to count with him while he breaths. And if he’s willing, grab his hands to help ground him. Tell him about what’s in the room. How it’s different than the pictures in his mind. More things kind of all based on that.

Julie takes it all in, making a mental list in her mind, hoping she doesn’t forget it. Hoping that if it ever happens, she won’t mess it up. Saddened by the fact that this is Steve’s reality.

. . .

A few days pass since Steve’s reality morphed with his nightmares. The date crossed out on his calendar far enough away that it’s finally starting to sink in. Steve made it out of there two years ago. Yet it still affects him like it was yesterday.

Just like back then, life moves on. He goes to work and comes home. Gets weird thinking of the future, and what that means for him. How each milestone will pass, the anniversary of dates coming and going. Affecting him in more ways than he realizes. Until he’s waking in a cold sweat and his body is transported back into his past selves. Some fucked up time travel.

His mind stays fixated on that night. How long it took for his brain to recognize Eddie’s face. To differentiate the safety of his home with the danger of his interrogation cell. How dangerous it could have been.

Eddie told him that Julie has asked about it. How he didn’t say anything, but did tell her ways to help him through an attack. It’s something he never thought of before. Out of all the possibilities that run through his mind, the thought of her being present for one of the attacks never crossed. He never thought she would be there for one of them.

But she almost was. If Eddie hadn’t been there, it would have been Steve opening the door. He didn’t want her to see him like that. He didn’t want the monsters in his head to meld her into something she wasn’t.

She wasn’t a part of this life, he wanted to keep it that way. But Steve has never really gotten what he wished for. It was time to tell her the parts he could.

No one wants to hear about the truth. They don’t want to know the dangers that rest beneath their feet. Blissfully ignorant and wanting to stay that way. Ignorance, however, can hurt sometimes. He didn’t want it to hurt her.

When Julie gets home from school, Steve asks her to sit in the kitchen. Takes the seat across from her and starts to lay out everything. How this conversation can’t leave the room, and she’s never to let anyone know that he told her this.

“This is about Starcourt, isn’t it?” She asks somewhere in the middle of his warnings. “Why all those people walked straight to their death.”

“How did you know about that?” Steve knew that people must have seen it, but it was kept out of the news.

Julie tells him about the night she went looking for her mom. How she got caught in the crowd of people walking toward the mall. Saw the names of people she knew flicker on the tv screen the next morning.

Steve tells her more than he should. About how Will going missing five years ago was a catalyst to so much more. How he got roped into everything. Skipping the bit in the middle for the most part, focusing on how Max came into it all. Then gets to the Russians.

Tells her the story of an innocent mystery turned terrifying nightmare. The interrogation that thankfully didn’t end in his death. Fireworks that crashed into the monster the size of a building and crashing a car into a possessed maniac. All of it ending in burning red, leaving the survivors to cope with their loss.

She’s taking it better than he thought she would. And he hasn’t even said everything yet. Just barely gets to spring break before Julie is pulling him into a hug. Until he realizes the wetness of his cheeks.

“I’m so sorry,” she chokes. “I am so sorry you had to live through that.”

He doesn’t finish telling her everything. It’s probably a good thing. The NDA’s aren’t as loose as the ones from a few years ago. And it’s better for her to process this and maybe learn the rest later. If she wants to. If he wants to explain it all again.

. . .

“Alright, now turn on the blinker and slowly hit the gas again,” Steve instructs as Julie sits at a stop sign. No one else around.

It’s been a few weeks since she’s started learning how to drive. Slowly easing into it in random parking lots while no one is there. Learning where all the signals were, and basic traffic laws. Most of it was review, but she didn’t mind the practice.

She pushes on the gas, jerking the car into motion. Pulling away from the parking lot and onto the street. For the first time. Julie is driving on the road.

“Ok, good. Just try not to hit the gas so hard next time.”

Steve’s been an ok teacher. Patient for the most part but gets frustrated when he can’t explain something properly. But he hasn’t gotten angry at her yet. Carefully corrects her but makes sure she knows that she’s doing ok. That she’s starting to get this right.

Julie pulses the gas. Learning how to keep the speed of the road. Overcorrecting when she gets too close to the yellow lines. The overcorrecting again when she gets close to tree line.

It’s scary driving something so large. So powerful. Hearing how the engine revs each time she pushes her foot down too hard. Feeling the pull of the seatbelt against her chest as she hits the breaks too fast.

But she’s getting it. Adjusting herself as she gets used to the feel of the petals beneath her feet. Loosens her body as she gets more comfortable gripping the steering wheel. As she gets used to the size of the car and the way it moves.

“Great. You’re doing really great, Julie. How about we turn here and-.”

A deer jumps in front of the car.

Julie slams on the breaks as she swerves close to the trees. The car coming mere inches from the trunk. Her arms shaking as they grip the wheel.

It all can happen so fast.

Steve unbuckles his seatbelt, turning towards her. “Julie, take a breath ok.”

One wrong move and the hood of the car would be curved around the tree. The airbag would be in her face.

“Just take a breath, we’re ok.”

What if her foot had slipped as she pushed down on the breaks? What if her hands fumbled the turn? Would the deer have contacted the car? Would she have killed it?

“You followed your instincts. We’re ok. That’s all that matters. We’re ok.”

Was this what it was like right before her mom’s crash? Did a deer just jump in front of the car? Her foot missing the break as she slammed into a tree. As it crashes just right to take her life. Was this mistake so easy to make that Julie almost made it too?

“Julie,” Steve touches her shoulder, comforting her. “It’s ok. Take all the time you need.”

Julie unbuckles her seatbelt and bolts out of the car. Runs to the wood as bile stings her tongue. Let’s the adrenaline out onto the dirt as she crashes. As the air escapes from her lungs.

Steve’s beside her rubbing her back. Saying something but it doesn’t register. Too stuck in her head to think of anything else.

“I’m sorry,” slips out of her mouth. Not sure of what else to say.

“Don’t be. It was just an accident, it happens all the time.”

Tears start to make their way out of her eyes. “But I didn’t see it. I could’ve. I could’ve crashed the car. Or worse and.” Sharp, shaky breaths interrupt her sentences.

Steve turns her to look at him. “Julie, hey. Look at me.” She does. “Take a deep breath, ok.”

He counts as she forces herself to breath in. She holds it, feeling the beat of her heart in her lungs. Releases it. Does it again.

“I didn’t see the deer either,” Steve admits once she calms down a little. “Something must have scared it, and it ran into the road. And you did a good job avoiding it.”

She doesn’t feel like it was a good job. “It all happened so fast.”

The tears continue to stream down her face. The feeling of the break pressed into the bottom of her foot. Throbbing. Her shoulder stinging from the pull of the seatbelt. The feeling of it all finally registering.

Her forehead hurts. Something is dripping down in between her eyes. She reaches up and swipes away blood. The buzz coming back to her veins.

“Fuck,” she mutters, eyes glued to her hand.

Steve gets up and comes back with a small first aid kit. Wiping away the blood with some napkins and pressing them against her forehead. Waiting for the bleeding to stop.

She doesn’t even remember her head hitting the steering wheel.

They sit in silence while Steve cleans the cut. Julie wincing when the alcohol wipe hits her broken skin. Steve finds a small piece of gauze and tapes it to her forehead. Packing up the first aid kit and returning to just sitting next to her.

“We’ll sit here as long as you want to, then I’ll drive us home,” he says.

Drive. Julie doesn’t know how she can sit in the car again. Knowing how easy it is for it all to fail.

“It all happened so fast,” she says again. Fixated on it.

“Yeah, yeah it did.” Steve’s trying to stay strong but she can see the shock in his actions too.

“Was it that fast when,” a lump forms in her throat. “When she? When my mom?”

Steve realizes what she’s talking about, starting to open and close his mouth. Trying to find something to say.

“I,” he starts. “I don’t know.”

“That’s all I could think about.” She looks at him. “All I can think about is how I could almost have died just like her. One wrong move and I-. And we-.”

Steve grabs her arms, looking her dead in the eyes. “Hey,” he says softly. “It’s ok. Whatever could have happened, it doesn’t matter right now. What matters is that we’re here, and we’re safe. You got shocked and followed your instincts. And because of that, we’re both ok.”

Ok normally doesn’t feel like this. But she tries, really tries to listen to his words.

“I know none of this is going to stop the what ifs in your mind. Believe me, I know. But those what ifs are not going to change what happened. It’s important to remember that.”

She knows he’s right. But it’s so hard to keep her mind on track. Letting it off rail to the ends of possibilities. Wondering if there was ever one where there was never an almost crash to begin with.

“Let’s go home. Get an icepack on that head and make sure it’s ok before you go to sleep. Ok?”

Slowly, Julie nods. “Ok.”

She gets in the car. Buckling the seat belt and tugging it to make sure it locked. Steve gets in the driver’s seat and readjusts it and the mirrors before slowly pulling away. The almost accident fading as she stares in the sideview mirror.

It was just an accident. It can happen to anyone. It just had to happen to her.

Tag list(let me know if you want to be added or removed): @homoerotictangerine, @mugloversonly, @thesuninyaface, @imyelenasexual, @anaibis,

@ilovecupcakesandtea, @brainsteddielyrotted, @jackiemonroe5512, @eddie-munsons-missing-nipple, @goodolefashionedloverboi,

@cinnamon-mushroomabomination, @lolawonsstuff, @writingandmushroomdragons, @stevesbipanic, @sierra-violet,

@steddie-as-they-go, @dauntlessdiva, @mousedetective, @the-daydreamer-in-the-corner, @zombiethingy,

@connected-dots-st-reblogger, @that-agender-from-pluto, @allyricas, @cheddartreets, @devondespresso,

@crypticcorvidinacottage, @queenie-ofthe-void @chronicpainstevetruther, @melonmochi

[qmakobin]

°❀⋆.ೃ࿔*:･UNSPOKEN FEELINGS °❀⋆.ೃ࿔*:･

A/N: hi! This is Eribin. I am not a real writer, doing this as my past time. English is not my first language so bear with my English. There’s a lot of grammatical and typographical errors. This is just a fiction from my delusions 😆

NOTES: ITALIZED MEANS FLASHBACKS

Warning: drinking, angst

Words: 1800+

CAST:

Ryuta Hidaka BBZ as himself

Miku Fukahori BBZ as himself

Y/N

Ryuta's POV

Y/N was a mess when she arrived at my apartment, tears streaming down her face. She didn’t say a word as soon as I opened the door; she just threw herself into my arms, crying. I had no idea what had happened, but she soon began to tell me how she had caught Miku, her boyfriend, kissing another girl. She couldn’t stop sobbing as she described the scene. From the way she described the girl, I suspected it might be Kaede, Miku’s ex—tall, fair-skinned, with short hair. Kaede had left Miku to chase her dreams of becoming a model, and from what I knew, she had become one of the most successful models out there. I hated the thought of Miku still being stuck on her, but I never thought it would lead to something like this.

I felt guilty. I’m friends with both Y/N and Miku, though they’ve never met. I always thought they’d make the perfect couple. I’ve known Miku the longest, and he’s always been a stand-up guy—loyal, caring, funny, and ambitious. I thought he was exactly what Y/N needed. As for Y/N, we met through my work at LDH, where we collaborated on music projects. She has great taste in pop music, and we worked together a lot. I thought they’d be a great match, so I pushed them to meet. At first, Y/N wasn’t interested, but eventually, I convinced her. They hit it off, and before I knew it, they were officially together. I was happy for them, really, but deep down, I regretted setting them up. I wished I were the one she’d chosen, but I didn’t have the courage to tell her how I really felt.

"You know what, I have a friend. He's single. You want me to introduce you to him?" I asked her, trying to distract her from her while working on a project.

She paused for a second, then smiled weakly.

"Nahh.. I'm too busy. No time for that!" she said, brushing off my suggestion.

But I didn’t give up. I kept pushing until she agreed, and when they met, it was like they’d known each other forever. They clicked. They started dating. And just like that, I felt a pang of jealousy, though I kept it to myself. I was glad for them, but at the same time, I couldn’t help wishing things were different. I was too much of a coward to confess my feelings. I couldn’t tell her that I had wanted to be the one by her side.

"Tell me, Ryuta, what's wrong with me? I know that I am pretty. Have a decent job that pays me well, I am kind, I am lovable, I am--"

I interrupted before she could continue because I knew what she was going to say. There was nothing wrong with her. She was everything anyone could want.

"There's nothing wrong with you, Y/N. You know what, rest. And tomorrow you two talk."

But she wasn’t listening. She poured herself another drink, her voice shaky as she continued, "He didn't pick up my calls. He really abandoned me and our relationship."

I knew she was getting drunk, and I needed to keep an eye on her, but I didn’t know how to make her feel better. It killed me to see her in so much pain.

"I am sorry, Y/N. This is my fault. I should've seen what was happening with Miku. If only I--"

She cut me off by pressing her finger to my lips.

"Shhhhh... it’s not your fault, Ryuta. If there's anyone to blame here, it's me. Probably I was not a good girlfriend at all. I am not the one he's looking for." She said, and her tears started to fall again. It broke my heart. How could Miku do this to her? Y/N was everything good and kind, and she deserved so much better.

As the night dragged on, Y/N’s tears slowly stopped, and the silence between us grew. I watched her as she stared blankly at her empty glass, her red-rimmed eyes hollow with sadness. I sat beside her, my heart aching, unsure of what to say or do.

"You know what, Ryuta," she whispered, her voice barely audible, "If you were probably the one I dated, I wouldn't be hurting like this."

I froze, my heart skipping a beat. Was she serious? Or was it just the alcohol talking? I turned to look at her, but she was staring down at the glass in her hands, too drunk to meet my gaze.

"Y/N..." I managed to say, my voice barely above a whisper.

"I know I can't change what happened, Ryuta," she continued, her voice fragile, "But I'm grateful for your friendship. You've always been there for me."

I nodded, my throat tight. "I'm always here for you, Y/N. No matter what." I wanted to say more, but the words caught in my chest. I wanted to tell her I cared for her, that I had always cared for her, but I couldn’t. I was scared. Scared that maybe she didn’t feel the same. That maybe I wasn’t enough.

The silence between us stretched, heavy with the things I couldn’t say. Y/N’s words echoed in my mind: "If you were probably the one I dated, I wouldn't be hurting like this." I wondered if she meant it, or if it was just something she said out of frustration and pain. But maybe, just maybe, she did.

"I don't deserve this pain," she said after a long pause, her voice trembling, "I don’t deserve someone who would make me feel this way, you know? I gave him everything. I thought he was different. I thought he was the one."

I took her hand without thinking, my fingers brushing hers. Her hand was cold, and I could feel her trembling, but she didn’t pull away. She didn’t say anything either, but we both understood what the silence meant.

"Y/N," I began softly, squeezing her hand, "You deserve someone who sees you for everything you are. Someone who never doubts you, someone who never makes you feel less than amazing." I paused, my heart pounding. "And I promise you, I will always see you that way."

"You're such a good friend, Ryuta," she said, her voice still soft but full of gratitude. "But... I don’t know if I can trust anyone anymore. I don’t know if I can even trust myself."

"I’m not asking you to trust anyone right now," I said, my heart aching. "I just need you to know that I’m here for you. Always. Whether it’s to listen, or to just sit here with you in silence. You don’t have to face this alone."

The weight of my unspoken feelings was suffocating, but I couldn’t bring myself to tell her how I felt. She wasn’t ready for that.

She looked up at me, her eyes softening, and for a brief moment, I thought I saw something in her eyes—something that made my heart race. She leaned in, almost as if she were going to say something, but she stopped herself.

"Maybe... maybe you’re right. Maybe I do deserve better." She met my eyes, her gaze searching mine, looking for something I wasn’t sure how to give.

I didn’t pull away, but I didn’t say anything more. I just smiled at her, offering the support she needed. It wasn’t much, but it was all I could give for now.

"Get some sleep, Y/N," I said gently, guiding her back onto the couch. "Tomorrow will be better. You’ll feel better."

She nodded, closing her eyes as she drifted into sleep. I stayed beside her, my mind racing with everything I hadn’t said.

But for tonight, it wasn’t the right time. Not yet.

(Ryuta and Miku, AAAAACCCCKKKK!! ❤️❤️❤️)

The end~ THANK YOU SM FOR READING MY STORY 😘

[bullet-clubs-bitch]

Birthday Blues

Chuck Taylor X fem reader Main Masterlist

Summary: With Best Friend’s spitting up Chuck finds himself alone on his birthday, or so he thinks.

An: You know I had to write a little something something for his special day

This morning I woke up with dozens of text messages from friends and family wishing me a happy birthday. But no matter how many texts I got they didn’t make up for the fact my ‘best friend’ didn’t wish me a happy birthday. Trent and I had been friends forever. We grew up in the industry together, we did everything together. He was my best friend! I don’t know what got into Trent recently but I didn’t like it. I didn’t understand the reason for his actions. Sure neither of us has held gold in quite some time but we should be happy for our friends. Kris and Orange were doing amazing things, we should be celebrating with them not wishing for their downfall. 

It didn’t even feel like my birthday, all I wanted to do was rot in my hotel room. Last night Trent gave me an ultimatum. It was him or Orange. How could I pick between the two of them? Sure I’ve known Trent for longer and the two of us shared so much more but no way I would pick between my two best friends! I ignored all of Kris and Orange’s calls and texts. I didn’t want to talk to anyone, I wanted to be alone. I was never one for birthdays, I never felt worthy of the celebrations. Why should you all be celebrating me? I’m not special. I didn’t mind spending my birthday alone. In fact, I preferred it over spending it with my family. Every time I went back home everyone would ask about my dating life. Are you seeing anyone Chucky? When are you going to settle down? Your time is running up to have children, let me set you up with a nice girl Chuck. I wanted to pull my hair out at the comments. 

I didn’t want to date anyone. I hadn’t been in love for a long time. Even when I was of course I fucked it all up. I was okay with being alone. Just as I was busy sulking in my hotel room I heard someone aggressively knocking on my door. I yelled at them to go away but instead, they began knocking even louder. I flung open the door ready to scream at whoever was on the other side but stopped right in my tracks when I saw who it was. It was Y/n. I hadn’t seen her in years. 

“A little clementine told me you wanted to spend your birthday alone,” Said Y/n. As much as I was mad Orange somehow got my ex-girlfriend to pull me out of my depressive state I was also happy to see Y/n again. “Tell me Chuck, what’s got you so blue?” Y/n asked as she let herself into my hotel room. “I just don’t know what to do. How am I supposed to pick between my best friends? I don’t want to choose between them!” I confessed. “I know you are under a lot of stress right now Chuck. I get it, I do but that doesn’t mean you should spend your birthday feeling sorry for yourself. Birthdays are supposed to be fun! It’s the one day you can put yourself first and no one can say anything about it” Y/n had a point, all of this was making me look more pathetic. Trent said it himself, I was weak. “How about you and I go out for the day? We can do whatever you like Chuck. There are lots of things to do in the city! It’s your day to be spoiled!” Just before I could protest Y/n cut me off “Before you say anything yes Chuck you do deserve this. No Chuck, you are not pathetic. You have to stop being so hard on yourself Chucky, you deserve nothing but the best. I wish you could have seen that when we were together” Her words left a bitter-sweet taste in my mouth. As much as I appreciated her praise it reminded me of when the two of us used to date years ago. Y/n ended up breaking up with me due to my lack of self-confidence. I know that sounded stupid but it was a real thing. I was constantly shitting on myself, I was always so down. I’m sure that’s difficult to be around. 

I ended up caving and took Y/n’s offer to spend the day celebrating myself. However, I didn’t expect her to say this. “We can do anything you want today Chuck, who knows maybe I’ll stay the night” Best birthday ever! 

[dearabby1990]

Chapter 11: You didn’t hear it from me..

Eddie leans forward ready for whatever information Gareth has to offer. “Okay dude I’ll tell you everything I know but you didn’t hear it from me understand?! My mom will kill me if she finds out I’m saying anything her Aunt & my mom have been friends since middle school theyd both have my head on a stick!” Eddie nods in agreement & extends his hand as a solid promise to his friend not to say a word about what he’s about to hear. “I guess I’ll start at the beginning.. her aunt & cousin have been camping with my mom & I for as long as I can remember mostly because of my dad taking off her uncle took me fishing and hunting a lot manly activity is what he’d call it & every once in awhile Jessica would have Jamie with her so I’ve known her for quite some time too it’s why we waive at each other it’s not like that at all trust me we’re not each others type she’s more like a sister if anything. I know some of her but the younger her before everything happened… well her mom ended up getting really sick it was bad Ed in & out of the hospital for what felt like forever just to end up being hooked to a million machines at home for hospice.. during the hospital stays Jamie was passed around a lot staying with random family members her dad always prioritized work before Jamie or her mom but we all knew he was cheating with his secretary I overheard my mom on the phone with her Aunt Betty Jane & after Jamie’s mom passed away her dad took to the bottle & started hurting her when he wasn’t completely ignoring her she took a map out one day & tossed a dart at it in hopes of starting a new life away from all the bullshit & when it landed here she thought it was gods way of saying she needed to be with her aunt… Jamie has been through hell shit even her prom was ruined by some fuckin prick jock I’m still looking for that piece of shit too I’ll kill him I swear it!!” Eddie’s eyes pop out of his head “Gareth what the fuck happened at prom?! What guy did he hurt her?!” Gareth put his hands on his friends shoulders making him sit back down. “Look this dude was a grade a prick him & his jock buddies made a bet that he couldn’t get her to goto prom with him & put out & embarrassed her in front of the whole school they carried her minus the blood he made fun of her & said something along the lines of she looks like a pig or something but I remember Jessica being on the phone at my house & the way Jamie was crying it just made my blood boil it’s why she’s so self conscious about how she looks in her head she thinks shes ugly,fat & undeserving of love because of all she’s been through it’s why she’s not letting you in Eddie I wish you would’ve came to us before the twerps but then again you didn’t know I knew her” Eddie’s heart breaks as he tries to wrap his head around all he’s just been told. How could anyone do such things to you? Eddie thought you’re pure perfection & anyone who’s hurt you he’d surely teach a lesson or two or kick their ass whatever came first. Him & Gareth share a few joints as he fills him in on all he knows of happy Jamie so he can help open her heart to him he’d do anything to make you smile. Learning your favorite colors & songs favorite flowers and animal to see at the zoo of course it’d be a Siberian tiger they’re exotic & beautiful like you. He’d be sure to go get you a stuffed animal & write you a letter to leave on your doorstep he is determined to get you to not only open up to him but fully let him in. You’re all he can think about he’s already written several songs and made several d&d characters that all look oddly like you even Mike & dustin noticing the resemblances of each elf & fairy that’s been presented over the past few weeks. He’s been trying to find the right words to say to you he’s already got a 2 foot stuffed tiger at home for you in his closet & a card all picked out and set on his desk he just doesn’t know what or how to say what he feels. Eddie isn’t used to feeling this way about someone the idea of love itself scared him to death but not when it came to you he was ready.

[thegloweringcastle]

La Belle Fleur Sauvage

@elucienweekofficial​ Day 5: Nature

ao3 

a/n: This is unlike anything I’ve ever written before. So I'm a little nervous, but very curious to hear your thoughts! Even if it hasn’t turned out as I hoped, it was certainly lots of fun to write.

It is a songfic based on La Belle Fleur Sauvage by Lord Huron, and even if you don’t read this I am begging you to still listen to the song because it is absolutely enchanting.

Happy reading and listening! <3

Word Count: ~1.9k

~~~

I. What you’re looking for won’t be found easily

It grows upon the mountain, in a sacred place

Lucien had been reared in a family that valued power; raised by a father who controlled with an iron fist, surrounded by brothers who thirsted for riches and every exotic pleasure known to humankind.

His mother, a kindhearted woman too pure for the likes of his father, was his only solace. She offered him a refuge, a quiet place to hide, to live freely and exist simply.

That was the only sacred place in his entire world; not one other honorable being could be found within miles. As a boy, he doubted he would ever find anyone as loving as his mother in the rest of his life.

II. Up beyond the clouds an ancient ground, so they say

And many men have died trekking up that way

The first time Lucien heard the legend of the woman had been at one of his fathers banquets - one of Lucien’s first attendances.

He remembered, with shocking clarity, the many horrors recounted to him by rich merchants. There were stories of every ill-fate that had befallen those who set out in search of such unearthly beauty. Some had been so jealous - of whom or what, Lucien couldn’t understand - that they threw themselves from cliffs, while others never even survived the first leg of the journey, lost to the beasts that roamed the foothills.

But while each variation had a billion different details, one thing remained the same: the woman who dwelled in the mountains was of another world, another kind; her beauty so unnatural that anyone who could keep it would live a bountiful life.

III. Once he’s gazed upon her, a man is forever changed

The bravest men return with darkened hearts and phantom pain

There was not much that happened in the village. Peddlers came and went, merchants sold their goods and expanded their mansions, beggars crowded the street corners, and young men set off to intrude upon what did not want to be found.

Lucien was never one to believe the stories that circulated. Everyone had their own version of the legend, but as he matured he realized it was all nothing but the wishful thinking of those who craved what they would never deserve and could never obtain.

But his mindset changed when the O’Donoughy brothers left and swiftly returned, ice cold in the dead of summer, their eyes distant and watery. What they had seen, nobody knew; but everyone had suspected. As Lucien grew into a young man, more and more of the people he had known as boys set out mountain-bound. The O’Donoughy twins had returned aged beyond their years in those few days, while others - the ones never seen again - were said to have simply sat there, watching and waiting until they rotted to nothing, some force spending their lifespans tenfold.

Lucien always prided himself in being level headed and respectful, and he had every intention of leaving well enough alone no matter what legends were wrong or right. Honestly, he did.

Until the truth of his paternity came out, and they were forced to run.

He may have been able to help save his mother, but his life had been left in rubble, the knowledge that his mom was safe and happy the only salvageable debris.

IV. Her colors change to mark the passing of the days

No earthly sight can match the beauty she displays

Exiled now by his half-family, Lucien was left to seek out a new home; somewhere he could start fresh. But that meant risking trespassing on the one place he had always sworn not to intrude. A new, better life could only be found over the mountains, through the same pass that hosted so many legends and tales.

Evergreen trees towered above Lucien, toying with the golden sunlight and disorienting all sense of direction. As he wandered, following meek flower paths and worn animal trails, morning light took on the telltale orange hue of afternoon. Yet, even as time passed and the light changed above him, the sun never actually moved. Birdsong grew distant and rare as he gained elevation, the odd silence chilling him to his very marrow.

The woods grew so dense that the forest floor never saw daylight, and Lucien could barely squeeze between each tree as he forged ahead. He knew he should have taken it as a warning, but he had no other options.

V. I've meant to find the place where all good things begin

To smell her scent and watch her dancing in the wind

Finally, finally, the forest opened up to a meadow of rustling wildflowers and billowing grass and-

He did a double take. Triple take. He pinched himself.

It was real.

There she was, flesh and blood - maybe - and swaying through the tall grass; she looked like she was dancing. Rosy cheeks, gleaming honey-brown hair, and big doe eyes. She flowed with the wind as if it were a song made just for her. She understood the whisper of the grass and the humming of the bees as well as her own heartbeat. She flowed so smoothly as if she herself were part of the wind; a bird guiding the breeze across the dramatic hills.

And Lucien couldn’t fathom it; so many things, he simply couldn’t wrap his mind around. How could such beauty still exist? Why would anyone want to interfere with it? It was perfect just the way it was; humans didn’t deserve this. They simply weren’t good enough.

In circles she spun, dipping low to pick a flower before turning to brush one slender hand through a bundle of cattails. Lucien simply watched her, wholly enraptured by her supple movements. He didn’t even think about it when he stepped forward, wanting to keep watching her as she began to move away.

He saw her, she saw him, and the world froze. The breeze dissipated, the whispering grass held its breath, the dancing flowers paused.

Predator and prey held eye contact, stuck between cycles. Something glinted, the hollowness akin to fear. But he could have been wrong; he was on the edge of the clearing, after all.

She took one, timid step towards him. He took one, timid step back.

“Who are you?” Her voice, lush and gentle, rang louder than it should have. Wholly unnatural.

His throat was dry. “My name is Lucien Va- Lucien. I hail from the village to the east.” He paused, continuing when she didn’t speak. “I wish to use your alpine pass to continue west, with your blessing.”

Lucien’s heart constricted as she approached, her radiance even more devastating up close. But now he saw - proof. She wasn’t human. Pointed ears, wide eyes, long, slender fingers.

“Why should I believe you?” The sound of her voice would be the death of him. “Why would I offer you safe passage, when that is what everyone else has asked for? It has never turned out to be the truth.”

So neither were predators; both had been prey at some point in time. Lucien wanted to see to it that it would never again be the case.

“Lady…” He went down to one knee, looking up at her figure haloed by the sun.

Her brow quirked up as she hesitated. “Elain.”

“My Lady Elain,” It came out as a benediction. “I don’t know what proof I could present to you, but I swear to leave you be. I merely hope to pass through and allow you to enjoy your space.” Even if he didn’t want to leave.

She leaned in, evaluating him just as he did her. He caught her scent - honey and berries. Sweet and addicting.

“There is a flower,” She started. “It grows farther than most can travel, higher than many wish to go. But I’ve heard its beauty is unlike anything else, and I wish to see it. Help it flourish here,” She gestured to the clearing. “With the others. If you can find it for me and bring it back with roots intact, I will allow you onwards.”

She did not wait for a response before turning smoothly, her cotton dress rippling with the motion. Lucien waited another heartbeat before standing, struggling to process what had happened, what he had seen.

He began his quest.

It could have been days that he searched, or months. The sun never moved, only disappearing suddenly to leave room for night. Time moved strangely in the woods; one day it was mild, spring weather, and the next it was crisp autumn, with auburn leaves raining down. Once it snowed, but then it was blazing hot.

The entire time, Lucien searched. He thought long and hard, he went at it ruthlessly, he went over the same places dozens of times. But he never gave up. Because as he searched, something blossomed in his chest. Something warm and soft and right. He didn’t aim to find the flower just to move on; he wanted to please her, to give her a reason to smile. The thought of it made his heart yearn.

So he stayed resolute, fending off the beasts in the woods and pursuing any hint of unique greenery that could possibly match what she wanted.

But nothing he found would ever be enough, would never be as beautiful as her.

VI. I'd give it all to love that girl, oh

I'd be the one to pluck that fleur, oh

Lucien found his way back to the clearing, hoping to any higher power that she would be there again.

And sure enough, there she was, this time lying in the tall green grass and basking in the sun.

“My Lady Elain,” He called.

She stood slowly, brushing herself off as she moved towards him. “Lucien of the East.” A faint smile graced her face. “Have you found the flower?”

He returned the smile in kind with an added bit of mischief. “Indeed, I have.”

Her chin tilted, her eyes squinting.

“Where is it, then?”

“My lady, I am afraid you sent me on a snipe hunt.”

“Oh?”

“You asked for a flower whose beauty was unlike anything else. You wanted to help it thrive here,” He stepped forward, bolder now. “But I realized something.”

“Tell me, what did you realize?”

Now they both moved in, meeting each other halfway.

“I was meant to find you.”

Her eyes sparked, a bright boundless smile overtaking her features. It nearly brought Lucien to his knees. She tucked her slender, ivory hand into his broad, tan one. With a shared smile, she guided them through the meadow towards the small cottage hiding on the edge.

Lucien decided he had no reason to go over the pass; everything he could ever need was right there in that sacred place.

VII.  And when I die, I want her lying by my side, in my grave

I'd give it all to love that girl, oh

~~~

Another big thanks to @elucienweekofficial moderators for their dedication! <3

[arieslost]

f1 asks!

thank you so much @forzalando for the tag!! <3

who is your favourite driver?

charles marc hervé perceval leclerc. which may come as a surprise to some people but i would genuinely do anything for him. he drives under my favorite number and his birthday is my half birthday so it was written in the stars honestly

do you have other favourite drivers?

in order: lando norris (aka miami grand prix 2024 winner), oscar piastri, lewis hamilton. and of course i always root for my fellow american logan hunter sargeant

who is your least favourite driver?

carlos sainz… lol. i just really can’t stand his attitude and his audacity 96% of the time. when he shuts his mouth and performs well for ferrari, then i’m happy with him. i’m interested to see where he’ll end up next season because he is a very strong driver. a bunch of other drivers piss me off too so i promise it’s not just him but out of all of them i have the most beef with carlos. especially after his classic carlos hissy fit this past weekend.

do you pull for drivers or do you like teams as well?

wherever charles goes, i will follow. that being said, considering how dedicated he is to ferrari, i think him being my number one above all else is rather fitting because i adore ferrari.

if you like teams, what team do you pull for?

ferrari and mclaren, always and forever! a lot of people say you can’t be a fan of both but i truly could not gaf, those are my teams

how long have you been into F1?

since october/november 2023. i was casually following along for the last few races of the season and did my serious deep dive the week of vegas. which was unfortunate because then i had to suffer through winter break dhdjjf but i prevailed!

what got you into F1?

f1 has kind of been etched into the background of my life because i’ve always known who michael schumacher is, what ferrari is, etc etc. its been mentioned in a few books and movies i’ve loved since i was little. one day i just looked up the f1 account on insta, followed it, and the rest is history. very much invisible string theory.

do you enjoy fanfic/RPF?

absolutely! that’s why i’m here!

how do you view new fans?

loveeee!!! it’s especially exciting to see new female fans enter a predominantly male space. i just always hope that they become fans for the love of the sport above all else.

if you could take over as team principal for any team, who would it be and why?

honestly i would absolutely love to take over as team principal at mclaren. i just feel like i’d have an absolute blast. i would say ferrari but i worship fred vasseur and his bald head

are your friends and family into F1 as well?

i really wish my family was :/ because imagine the suffering i went through when lando won. my only friend that’s into f1 is my incredible online bestie (venus ily) and i don’t know what i’d do if i wasn’t able to scream and cry with her on race weekends. probably implode.

are you open to talking to other fans/making friends?

yes absolutely without a doubt 100%! whether you’re on anon, in my inbox, or in my messages i am more than happy to talk to ppl!

no pressure tags (but i’d love to hear what u guys have to say!): @venusacrossthestars @verstappen-cult @lightsoutletsgo @lnfours @thebearchives @foreveralbon & anyone else who is interested in answering ofc!!

[sequinsmile-x]

All's Fair - Chapter 6

Emily and Aaron have loved each other since they were children. War might be the thing that finally brings them together, but it could also be the thing that tears them apart forever.

A Hotchniss AU, set in 1917 and beyond.

-x-

Thank you so much for the love for this fic. I cannot believe we are at the penultimate chapter.

I really hope you enjoy this, and would love to know what you think <3

-x-

Words: 5.6k

A list of warnings and tags can be found on the Series Master List

Read over on Ao3, or below the cut

Emily, 

I cannot begin to explain how much I needed these last couple of days. Every second was worth the long journey and they will get me through the journey and back and whatever comes next. 

It’s strange to know how life has carried on with everything I have seen over there. One day I might have the words to tell you some of it, but for now, just know that you and Mae are the balm I need to remind myself there are good things. That I can be part of something good. 

As I write this you are asleep next to me. I can feel the warmth of your skin, and hear the sound of you snoring. (You can’t deny it, you do.) I’ll spend the foreseeable future trying to recreate this feeling, the peace only you can bring me. 

I know I’ve already said it, but I want to make sure I’ve written it down. That it’s something you can revisit when you need reminding. I love you, and I am so proud of what you are doing here - the way you are raising our daughter. I hope that she turns out to be exactly like you. And I hope even more that I get to see it. 

When I look at her, it amazes me that part of her came from me. That something so perfect can come from someone so broken. 

Leaving is something I wish I didn’t have to do. I would give anything to stay here, to finally be the family we deserve to be. 

I will do everything I can to come back to you. To both of you

All my love,

Aaron 

___

She couldn’t explain it if asked, but it felt worse this time. His departure and the absence that followed sharper, a type of pain that she’d fooled herself into thinking she was used to. She ached with it, her chest tight in a way she’d forgotten it could be. 

She slowly paces Mae’s nursery, the weight of her daughter against her chest the only thing that was keeping her together. Mae fusses in her arms, unable to settle in a way that was out of character for the usually calm baby. Emily kisses the top of her head and rubs her hand in soft circles on the infant’s back, whispering gentle words against her little girl’s soft skin. 

“I know, sweet girl,” she whispers, kissing her head again, “I miss Daddy too.” 

Emily thought that seeing them together, that her brief glimpse of seeing Aaron as the father she always knew he’d be, would help. That it would show her what was to come when she finally had him back for good. But it hurt. 

If she closed her eyes she could picture how they’d discovered that Mae found it hilarious when Aaron frowned. The baby’s cheeks stamped with dimples they bickered over, both convinced she got them from the other, as she smiled up at her father, as close to laughter as she ever had been as he tried to hold the frown in place. Emily realises she should have known that it would never be enough, that even if they were lucky and he came back and they got decades together she’d still want more. 

She’d grown up reading as many romance novels as she could get her hands on. Not because she believed in it, or hoped for her own happy ending that she never dreamed she’d get, but because they made her world bigger. Her mother had always insisted that Emily was as educated as possible. That she could talk to anyone about anything. It meant she was well-versed in many topics and spoke several languages, but it had never truly been for her benefit. It had been so she could represent the family, so she could attract a husband. Do the duty she had been born into with no choice in the matter. She knew of the world, but hers was small. Reduced to the town she was born in. The house she still lived in.

It felt like there was no small amount of irony in the fact it was now where she was raising her own daughter. 

The books she’d read had meant she could go anywhere she wanted. It was only now that she knew the love in them was real. Something she had experienced herself first-hand. She had seen love’s true face. The beauty and the horror of it, sorrow and joy two sides of the same coin. 

She feels Mae get heavier against her and she tilts her head to look down, smiling sadly when she sees her daughter is finally asleep. She kisses the side of her head one more time before she lays her in her crib.

“Love you,” she whispers, tracing her fingers over Mae’s forehead before she leaves the room, careful to ensure she pulls the door gently closed behind her. 

Emily hesitates briefly before she climbs into her bed, pulling the covers that still smelt like Aaron tight around her, seeking the warmth that she knew she wouldn’t find without him there. She buries her face in the pillow he’d used, hoping sleep would find her as easily as the grief was able to.

___

Aaron,

It feels like an age since I last saw you, but as I’m writing this you are likely not even back in France yet. 

The bed still smells like you. JJ keeps trying to change the bedding but I won’t let her until it fades and it just smells like me again. 

Mae laughed properly for the first time today. It was beautiful. For the first time since you left us again, I felt truly happy, even if it was just for a second. 

Mother is giving me space, and I am grateful for it. She seems to finally understand that I want to do all of this my way. Either that or she feels so sorry for me that she’s just letting it go. I can’t bring myself to care, I’m grateful either way. 

I love you. I’m somehow more in love with you now than I was yesterday. And I know I’ll love you more tomorrow. 

‘Semper in absentes felicior aestus amantes.’

That means ‘absence makes the heart grow fonder’ if you don’t remember your Latin poetry from our tutor. I seem to remember you and Governness Strauss always being at odds with each other. 

All our love,

Emily & Mae

___

She doesn’t know how to feel when she gets her period a couple of weeks after Aaron leaves. A strange mix of elation and disappointment makes her stomach churn with something other than the familiar cramps. 

She wasn’t sure she could have handled a second child so close to having Mae. It was something her doctor had warned her about, and her answer at the time had been a wry smile and a quiet reminder that her husband was in Europe. Emotionally she would have struggled too, sure she would have actually had to hire the help she had so firmly denied from her mother for months. 

But she can’t shake the feeling that this was it. Her only chance to have more of him, for there to be more of him left in the world in his children. Her heart hurt at the thought of something she’d never had in the first place. 

She holds Mae even closer than usual that night, more determined than ever to give her all of the kind of love she wishes she’d grown up with herself. 

___

Emily & Mae,

I don’t know what makes it to the news back at home, but things here are, almost impossibly, worse than ever. 

I can’t go into details. Even if I found the words this letter would never make it to you if I did, but the small bits of home I have with me are getting me through. I still have the telegram that was sent by Rossi to confirm Mae had been born safely. I have our wedding photo and the photo of the two of you.

I wear the ring you bought me all the time now. I’m not the only man here with one. I think we all see it as a reminder of home. Something we can see that we don’t have to dig through our pockets for. I know you don’t believe in luck, Em, but I’ve come to see it as a good luck charm of sorts. If I make it home, I promise I will never take it off. 

I love you, and I’ll try to write again soon. 

All my love,

Aaron 

___

September 1918

Emily laughs as Mae shifts on the grass, scooting the small distance to her mother’s side, her tiny fists littered with the small petals of a daisy she’d squished as she grabbed it. She presses her hands into Emily’s thigh, pushing herself up as she often tried to do these days, desperate for her mother’s love and attention as she always was. 

“Ok I get it, baby,” she says, reaching for her daughter. She picks her up, holding her firmly as she holds her up in her lap, Mae’s tiny feet pressing into Emily’s legs as if she was standing by herself, “Look at you,” she exclaims, smiling widely as Mae giggles, always happy, “You’re standing up. Such a clever girl.” 

Mae babbles at her, noises that were so close to Mama it made Emily’s heart ache, and she reaches out for her, leaning in to seek out more of her mother’s embrace. Emily doesn’t hesitate for a second, adjusting her hold on her daughter so she was holding her flush against her chest, not caring for a second about the grass stains that were sure to transfer over to her own clothes. 

“You ok, sweet girl?” She asks, even though she knows the 7-month-old cannot respond. Mae rubs her face against Emily’s chest, the usual sign that she was tired. “We’ll go back inside shall we?” Emily says, managing to stand up with her daughter still in her arms, a move she was well practised at, “Maybe we’ll nap together.” 

Mae’s response is to cling onto Emily a little tighter, her hand twisting into her hair as it so often did when she was tired. As if she was trying to anchor herself to Emily, still too young to understand that there was nowhere Emily would rather be than wherever she was. 

Emily reaches back down for her book and can’t help but smile at the sight of the torn-up daises, the flowers that the baby seemed to love just as much as she did. 

“Did you know your daddy used to work here,” Emily says, proud of herself for the way she was able to talk about Aaron without her voice wavering. She struggled if anyone mentioned him to her, but whenever she spoke of him to Mae, which was often, she was fine. As if his existence had been reduced to a secret between the two of them - the people he loved more than anyone else, “He used to make fun of me for liking daises so much,” she adds, kissing the side of her daughter’s head as she starts to walk them away from where they’d been sitting and back to the house, “He’d always said they are weeds. But I think they are beautiful.”

Mae makes a small noise that sounds like agreement, her face still pressed into Emily’s skin, and it makes Emily chuckle. She walks back to the house quickly, determined to get the little girl down for her nap. As soon as enters the house she’s met by Dave, her mother and JJ. All clearly waiting for her and stood in a line. It makes her falter, her hold on Mae tightening slightly as the baby gets heavier in her hold, already on her way to being asleep. 

“Emily, where have you been?” Elizabeth asks, an urgency to her voice that makes the hair on the back of Emily’s neck stand up. 

“Just sitting outside with Mae,” she replies, looking back and forth between the three people standing in front of her, not liking the kind look on any of their faces, “I’m bringing her in for a nap. What’s going on?” 

“Why don’t I take her up?” JJ says, walking toward her and easing Mae out of her arms. Mae fusses a little, waking up slightly as she realises she’s no longer in her mother’s embrace. “Then you can all talk.” 

Emily nods, finally tearing her eyes off of her mother to look at Mae for a second, leaning in to kiss her baby’s forehead. “Love you, sweet girl.” 

JJ walks away with Mae in her arms, heading for the stairs as she talks softly. Emily looks back at her mother and Dave, and she swallows thickly. 

“Why don’t we go into my office?” Elizabeth says, and Dave nods. Emily follows them wordlessly, worse-case scenarios flooding her brain in an instant. 

“What is going on?” Emily repeats as they make it into the office. She allows herself to be guided into a seat. Dave ends up next to Emily, clearly there as some kind of moral support, and Elizabeth takes her seat at her desk. 

“I received a letter from the head of the team Aaron is on this afternoon.” 

Emily’s mouth goes dry, her senses briefly dulled as the words, and their implication, sink in. “What? I don’t understand why would he write to you?”

Elizabeth clears her throat, clearly struggling with the information she’d received herself, a tension in her body Emily doesn’t recognise. 

“It seems Aaron had an arrangement in place that any…difficult news would be delivered to me, not you directly.” 

“Difficult…” Emily chokes out, her hands tightening into fists in her lap, “No. Please don’t tell me he’s…”

She drifts off, not able to say the words out loud. She feels like she wants to run. All she wants to do is go upstairs and grab her baby and run. But she can’t move, weighed down to the chair by everything she has spent well over a year trying desperately to avoid. 

“Captain Gideon’s team were involved in a small operation, and there was an explosion,” Elizabeth says far too calmly for Emily’s liking, her voice a direct contradiction to the way her eyes are shining, “There were six fatalities.” 

Emily feels tears pour onto her cheeks, and she doesn’t try to wipe them away, knowing it is pointless, that they’d only be instantly replaced. 

“Is Aaron one of them?” 

“They don’t know.” 

She frowns, her huffing out a sound she can’t identify, “What do you mean they don’t know? How can they not know?”  She feels Dave’s hand on her shoulder, a familiar comforting squeeze she’d felt the day of her father’s funeral, but it’s all she can feel, the rest of her body numb. 

“There were ten men on the mission. Six were confirmed dead, two returned and two remain unaccounted for. Aaron isn’t one of the two that came back. Due to the…nature…of the explosion, it is unlikely they will be able to identify the dead for some time.” 

Emily laughs, and it feels inappropriate, but it’s all she can do. The sound escaping before she can cover her mouth to capture it. 

“So, what? We’re just supposed to wait? I’m just supposed to wait to find out if my husband is dead or not?” She exclaims, her fingers twisting her wedding ring around, the small band of metal the heaviest it had ever felt, “He…he wears a wedding ring. That’s not overly common…maybe-”

“Apparently it’s something a lot of the men have taken to doing,” Elizabeth says softly, cutting through her one strand of hope, the thread that had been holding her together. 

She can’t place the order of things. Isn’t sure if she breaks first, or if Dave pulls her into a hug and then she breaks, her tears pressed into his jacket as he attempts to comfort her. At some point, she hears the click of the door, her mother leaving her in the presence of the person she’d always sought comfort from over her.

“Everything will be alright, Bella,” Dave says, using the nickname he hadn’t used since she was young. When she used to sneak into the kitchen downstairs, her knees scraped from where she’d fallen when out in the grounds with Aaron and Sean. Dave would comfort her before giving her a piece of candy as he bandaged her up before sending her on her way to her parents. 

“How?” She asks, pulling back to look at him, “If he’s dead,” she sobs, the word tasting bitter in her mouth, “If he’s dead, how can anything be alright?” 

Dave doesn’t have an answer for her, no words that will bring her comfort, and they sit in silence, the only sound her tears and the clicking of the clock on the wall. 

___

Emily thinks it may have been the longest two weeks of her life since her mother pulled her into her office. There had been no news since. No telegrams. No follow-up letters from the commander or from Aaron himself.

Not for the first time since this all began, Emily finds herself furious that the world carries on. Anger she cannot completely contain making her unable to keep still. It felt absurd that the sun continued to rise, that the grass grew and daises bloomed. She couldn’t go out to the grounds anymore, couldn’t look at anything, other than Mae, that reminded her of him. Of what she may well have lost. 

She busies herself, desperate to keep her mind occupied in a way other than re-reading the letters from Aaron again. She finds herself in the room that had slowly turned into a library of sorts, organising the books she’d collected over the years. She appreciated the fact it was just hers, something that no one else had really ever had a part of. 

There’s a soft knock on the door, and Emily knows it can only be her mother. She sighs and gives herself a moment to prepare herself before she responds. 

“You can come in, Mother.” 

The door opens and Elizabeth comes into view, “How did you know it was me?”

Emily smiles wryly, “The only people who know I like to spend my time in here are you and Dave, and he always jokes I’m at my most dangerous when I have a book in my hand.” 

Elizabeth smiles at that before she clears her throat, “Where’s Mae?” 

Emily freezes for a second but carries on putting her books in a pointless pile, not looking at her mother as she replies, “She’s napping. When the house is this quiet I can hear her from here if she cries,” she flicks her eyes over to Elizabeth before she looks back at the books, “Was there any mail?”

“Not today,” Elizabeth replies, watching as Emily visibly deflates. She sighs, intently watching her daughter for a moment before she carries on, “Emily, I think it’s time you accepted-”

“No,” Emily firmly cuts her off, continuing her task of re-organising her books, needing to do something, anything, to keep herself busy. She already knew what her mother was going to say, and she didn’t want to hear it. Didn’t want to be forced to talk about it. 

“Emily, I know what it is to lose the person you love. You need to think about it, for your sake and for Mae’s-”

“Don’t tell me what is best for my daughter,” Emily snaps, the book she had been holding dropping down to the table in front of her, the crack of the hardcover against the wood echoing around the room, “And Dad died here, Mom,” she says, choking on a bitter laugh, shaking her head as she throws her hands in the air, “Not in some godforsaken field in France. He died here. And you got to hold his hand and be there. And you got years with him. Not enough, I know, but years. I’ve had days with Aaron. Days.” She stares at her mother, unshed tears in Elizabeth’s eyes and Emily feels her own tears fall onto her cheeks. She wipes them away furiously. “So, excuse me if I refuse to accept it until I have confirmation that he’s dead. Because the thought of it…of him just gone without me getting the chance to say goodbye, without telling him one more time how much I love him,” she shakes her head again, her chin trembling with the force of the emotions she was trying to hold back, “It’s too much to bear.”

“I just think-”

“You paid for that doctor to travel all the way from California because you’d read somewhere that he might be able to help, Dad,” she lets a noise somewhere between a sob and a laugh, unsure herself which one it was, “He was dead by the time he got here,” she shrugs, her shoulders heavy with everything she’d endured for the last year and a half, “How is this different? How is me holding onto the tiny bit of hope I have left any different from that?” 

Elizabeth wipes a tear from her cheek before clearing her throat, grief for herself, for her daughter and granddaughter almost enough to choke her. She eventually nods almost indiscernibly. 

“I guess it isn’t,” Elizabeth finally says. Emily thinks if things were different between them, if they had the relationship Emily hoped to one day have with her own daughter, her mother would have stepped forward to hug her then. To wrap her in her arms and tell her that, no matter what, everything would be alright. Instead, she stands there, several feet away from her, a sad smile on her face Emily doesn’t remember seeing for quite some time, “I never apologised to you for how I was after your father died,” she says, shaking her head at herself, “I was so…wrapped up in my own grief, in everything I was about to have to do, that I didn’t allow myself to think about the fact you’d lost something too.” 

The admission surprises Emily. It was one of the many things they’d never addressed. Something else that had pushed them to where they were now. The strange thing was, Emily had never had more empathy for her mother than she did right now. It wasn’t lost on her that she could already be a widow and a single mother without knowing it, that her wilful ignorance of it until she had confirmation from the army wouldn’t make it any less true if Aaron really was dead. In a cruel twist of fate, she may well have ended up in the exact same position as her mother, albeit much earlier on in her life. 

“It’s ok,” Emily chokes out, unsure what else she can say, “If Aaron…I don’t know what I’d do.” 

Elizabeth steps towards her and reaches out to grab Emily’s hand, squeezing it in hers like she hadn’t done for years. 

“I know that you wouldn’t leave Mae behind in it all,” Elizabeth says, a flash of something Emily would call pride crossing her face as she mentions her granddaughter, “No matter what you end up having to wade through, I know you’ll keep her head above water too. You’re already a far better mother than I ever was.” 

Emily doesn’t know what to say, sure that whatever it was would be wrong, somehow inappropriate. She blows out a breath, feeling it shudder as it escapes as if it catches on every rib on its way out. It feels like she has barely any space to breathe, her lungs stuffed full of pre-emptive grief that she refuses to let out. 

“Thanks, Mom.” ___

Aaron,

I don’t even know why I’m writing this. 

I have nowhere to send it because the one place I know you aren’t is where you should be. Here. 

Everyone keeps telling me that I need to come to terms with the fact you’re gone and that I am a fool for hoping for anything different. Hope is as necessary as it is foolish, so I will hold onto it with both hands until someone tells me for certain you were one of the men who died. 

I haven’t said this to anyone, because it sounds ridiculous even to me, but I think I’d know if you were dead. I think I’d be able to feel it. 

I’ve never really been sure what I believe in. Whether there is a heaven or what comes after this. Good vs evil never seemed as black and white to me as they tried to make it seem in church, especially now after everything that’s happened over the last few years. 

But if you’re there, if you really have left us, I hope it’s good. Please wait for me, because I’ll spend the rest of my life waiting for you. 

I love you.

Emily

___

October 1918

She stands back as she slides the last book into place, pushing it to level with the others on the shelf. 

Shortly after her conversation with her mother, bookshelves Emily hadn’t asked for or ordered arrived and were then built by the estate’s handyman. They were a silent show of support from her mother and she appreciated it. 

“Well, baby girl,” Emily says, looking over to where Mae was sitting in the corner of the room, surrounded by her toys, “That’s the last of them.”

Mae smiles at her mother, clapping her hands together, babbling in a way that only Emily seemed to understand. 

“I know,” Emily replies enthusiastically as if her daughter had said something interesting, “We’ll get some chairs in here I think,” she says mindlessly, “That way, when you learn to read in a few years we can practise in here together. And when you’re a bit older, you can read whatever you want. Poetry’s always been my favourite,” her smile slips from her face, “Daddy always made fun of me for it.” 

There was still nothing, no news or updates that were positive or negative. Elizabeth had even tried to use her connections, something that Emily was grateful for for the first time in her whole life, but there was nothing. Complete silence. 

Emily didn’t understand how anyone could simply disappear, or how she was supposed to accept it. She feels all too familiar grief climb up her chest, greeting her like an old friend. She clears her throat, forcing it back down before she looks back at the books. 

“Maybe alphabetically wasn’t the way to go,” she says to herself, using the same distraction she had used for weeks in an attempt to calm herself, “The Dewey Decimal system is more modern but-”

She’s cut off by a knock on the door, and she sighs, closing her eyes as she continues to try to calm down. 

“I’m not really in the mood for company, Mother,” she says tightly, not turning to look at the door, “Can you come back later?” The door opens anyway and her frustration turns quickly into anger. She whips around, already speaking, “I said I want to be-” She cuts herself off. Her words dying in her throat as their eyes meet. For a moment she forgets to breathe. Everything reduced to just her and the impossible sight in front of her. “You…” 

Aaron steps towards her, approaching her tentatively like she was a wild animal, and he stops just short of touching her.

“Hi, sweetheart.” 

She takes a step backwards, “No, you’re…this isn’t…” she trips over her words, everything she’d repressed for weeks rising to the surface, overwhelming her, “You were missing. They wrote and said they didn’t know where you are,” she covers her mouth with her shaking hand, just barely catching a sob before it escapes, “I thought you were dead.” 

It’s the first time she’s said anything close to it since that afternoon in her mother’s office when she first found out something had happened. Ever since she’d spoken around it, alluded to it in different terms. Worried that if she said it it would make it real. She feels her heart crack in her chest, and she covers her face with her hands. 

“Em.” He steps forward and pulls her into a hug, not offended when she tenses slightly, all too aware that her emotions were fraught, “I was hurt after the explosion,” he says, kissing the top of her head as she snakes her arms around him, her body finally catching up with her brain, “I was still mobile and got lost in all the confusion. I ended up in a different hospital from the others. I wrote to you.” 

He feels her respond, her words vibrating through his chest, but he doesn’t hear it. He pulls away from her, his hands on her shoulders as he looks down at her.

“Sorry love, I didn’t hear you,” he says softly, removing one hand from her to point at his ear when she looks at him, her tear-filled eyes narrowed in confusion, “My ear was damaged in the explosion, the doctor said I’ll likely never get all my hearing back.” 

“I said I didn’t get the letter,” she repeats, her gaze shifting to his left ear. She reaches out to touch it as if she could feel the damage she couldn’t see, “Your hearing…” 

“It’s just the left side,” he explains, and she nods, acknowledging she understands, “But it’s enough that the army can’t make use of me anymore.” 

She freezes again, her hands grasping the back of his jacket, the scratchiness of the material enough to bring her back to the moment fully for the first time since he walked in. 

“You mean…” she drifts off, sure she’s somehow misunderstood, that the universe wasn’t suddenly being kind to her after spending so long being cruel.

“They honourably discharged me,” he says, smiling at her, leaning down so his forehead presses into hers, “I’m home for good.” 

She breathes out, her lungs feeling relief in a way she’s sure they haven’t since this all started. Since she’d sat on a bus, a ring on her finger and a baby in her belly that she didn’t know about yet as she watched him disappear from view. She cups his cheeks, pulling him in for a kiss, foregoing any attempt to be gentle. 

“I love you,” she says, pulling back just far enough to speak, before she kisses him again, “I love you so much.” 

“I love you too,” he replies, his hand buried in her hair, refamiliarising himself with the feel of her, “I’m sorry you were so worried.” 

She chokes out a laugh, and she was about to tell him that worried doesn’t even come close to covering it, but they are interrupted by a cry from the other side of the room. Emily looks over, laughing at the slightly put-out look on Mae’s face as she starts to crawl over to her parents. 

“Sorry, Mae. We haven’t forgotten about you I promise,” she says, disconnecting herself from her husband as she walks the short distance to their daughter, wiping her tears from her cheeks before she leans down to pick the baby up. She hauls her onto her hip, kissing the side of her head before she turns back to Aaron. 

“She’s gotten so big,” Aaron says, smiling at the sight of his girls together, “She’s beautiful.” He can’t believe how much she’s grown, how different she looks from the last time he saw her. If he thought she looked like Emily back then, she certainly looks more like her now. He tries to ignore the pang of hurt as Mae shies away from him when he reaches out for her, burying herself further into Emily’s side. 

Emily wipes fresh tears from her cheeks, sure she’d never stop now she had started “She’s ok, she’s just a bit shy around…”

She stops herself, cutting herself off before she says something that could upset him. Aaron smiles tightly at her.

“Around strangers,” he finishes for her before he wraps his arm around her.

“You’re not a stranger,” Emily says, leaning into him, not wanting to be anywhere other than with him anytime soon.

“I’ve missed a lot,” he laments, watching how Mae watches Emily, all of her focus on her mother as if she’d somehow inherited his love for her despite the fact she’d never really seen it in action. 

Emily presses a kiss to his cheek before she pulls back to look at him, keen to make sure he hears her. 

“You’re here now,” she says, smiling widely at him, “There will be plenty to see and do together.” 

Aaron nods, pulling her into his chest, grateful when Mae doesn’t seem to mind being close to him as long as Emily is too. He kisses the top of his wife’s head, breathing in the scent of her, filling his lungs with it. Letting it replace everything that had taken residence in his chest since they had last seen each other. It finally sinks in that he’s home. Because home had never been the Prentiss’s estate, or the tiny house he used to live in on it.

Home had always been her. 

“We can do everything.”

-x-

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[igglemouse]

Episode 2 ~ Bound By Blood

"So why are you here?" Tullus asked, sure that she could indeed read minds. He was sure it wasn't completely clear to her, it usually never was. He knew his maker had explained it to him forever ago. She had told him to guard his thoughts, know what the other person wants from you and keep it from your mind. Her theory was that a mind reader can only pull thoughts they search for. Charlotte had been looking for his intentions towards Laverne and so she simply needed to spark a conversation about her sister to find the thought she was looking for.

"I love my big sister you know," she said as if it was a throwaway comment because it might as well be. Anyone that had seen the two interact knew there was a real bond between them. Tullus didn't need mind reading ability to know that was the truth. "I'm terrified of losing her.-

"You want me turn her," Tullus finished as it made sense. Charlotte was a dark princess and used to getting her way but Laverne was mortal, very mortal, and so she was at risk of simply dying. A car crash, an illness, some random event could end Laverne’s life.

"I wish she'd come to the decision willingly to be sure but sometimes we need others to make decisions for us. As father likes to say."

"Right..." Tullus wasn't sure he agreed but he didn't want to start an argument with her. "When I asked Count Tourneau for his blessing I told him that I planned on turning her as well. There is only so much you can get out of a human before you-"

"Break them," Charlotte finished as if she had known from experience. "Yes, that is true."

"Still, are you here to help me or..."

"I am just here to make sure you are someone she would be happy with. I'm here as a sister, truly and sincerely."

"Fair enough," Tullus could respect that. Out of everyone in the Tourneau family Charlotte was the most honest but he knew there was something deeper within her capable of doing anything to get what she wanted. "I do think I've made some ground with her."

"Oh?"

"First she said one date only and she seemed to mean it but....but I've managed to see her several times. Chat with her, get to know her better. I'm just looking for that chance to really break through with her."

"Well, Tullus, she'll never accept you because she hates what she's been born into," Charlotte started. "She'll have to be turned before ever seeing you as an option-"

"Yes but-"

"Don't worry, it’s a matter of time, Sir Cinna. She is bound by blood and bound by clan. She was born a vampire and as such is forever meant to be one, whether she wants to admit to it or not..."

Index - Next

[songforcharli]

i feel like this the only place where i can talk about my problems and not have anyone know. i feel like i lost my best friends. i used to be so close to them when we got out of high school, but now it just seems like i’m cast aside. i used to think that it was my fault for not trying hard enough to keep a friendship, but there’s only so much i can contribute. it wasn’t being reciprocated back to me, so i guess i just gave up. it’s been two years since i’ve seen any of them in person, let alone talk. just recently i wished one of them a happy birthday but i unfortunately dumped my thoughts onto her which i know wasn’t right, but she had to know what i was feeling. in hindsight maybe i shouldn’t have done it, but it’s done. she never responded to me, so maybe i deserved it. now recently another of them graduated and of course she’s still in contact with the other two. they still talk and i know they occasionally hang out, things i’ve been longing for. i just don’t know what happened. maybe they didn’t like me. i just wish i knew the reason why they cut me off. what did i do?

since we’ve seen each other, i think about them. it’s those special moments you’ve spent with someone or a group of people that you miss when you don’t see each other anymore. i honestly don’t know why i keep following them on my socials. if they wanted to cut me off completely i might as well unfollow them and remove their follows. i just can’t though. i try not to think about them, but sometimes i can’t help it. i just really miss their company. but i see who they are. i had found a quote from a fiona apple interview during her extraordinary machine days and she mentioned how she always wanted a best friend when she was younger. she said she knew that there wouldn’t be a moment where a group of people would sit around and think “you know what would be great? we should call fiona. yeah that would be good.” this quote hit too close to home, because i too feel that way. i know they’re not gonna think about me and call me up to see how i’m doing, so why should i even bother rekindling a friendship that was burned out for good?

maybe it’s part of life. we’re all in our twenties, maybe it’s best for me to move on from them. but it’s hard to move on when you thought they would stay with you forever. i’ve known L and M since i was in second grade and fifth grade, and C i met in high school because she was M’s girlfriend. how could i just move on from a friendship that long? i just can’t. but i think i have to in order to better myself. i needed to vent all this out, somewhere they wouldn’t really see this on my other socials. if they eventually see this, they now know my true feelings. im hurt. i was cast aside. but you know what, im close to getting this job i might actually like doing and i’ll be making good money. if they reach out to me, that’s fine, but i’ll never forget the hurt they made me feel. know this: i never would’ve done that to them. i’m loyal, but when they ghosted me or cut me off, that loyalty went out the window. i’ll live my life just like i’ve been living, but what i can hope for is a better me, a better life, a better future, and someone i’ll find along the way to be with.

it’s life’s illusions that i recall, i really don’t know life at all.

[dear-ex-person]

Dear ex-girlfriend,

You know me better than anyone’s ever known me. Your love makes me feel like I’m soaring. I don’t think I want to be alone together. I don’t think I can be who you need me to be. You’re my best friend.

Please don’t leave me.

I don’t know how to be apart from you. I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone. You never believed me when I told you I love you. I’m starting to doubt myself.

I don’t think I think about you as much as you think about me. I don’t have the energy to talk as often as you want to. I can’t talk as often as you want to. My grades are dropping and I can’t go anywhere for long. I don’t feel present in my life. I can’t be happy without you without feeling a wave of guilt.

I smile when I tell my friends about you. I only have good things to say. I don’t feel safe telling you about my friends. You make me happier than you know. My little brother loves you. I can count the times you’ve made my heart soar. Loving you means a weight on my shoulders, but it’s worth it.

I don’t know how to bear your anger. I don’t know how to fix us. I don’t think you think there’s a problem. I wish I could make everything okay. I don’t know how to cry when I’m alone. Talking to you has made me cry more times than I have the heart to think about.

We started a project together. It made me feel alive. You aren’t interested in it anymore. You make fun of me for still living in it. I thought it was something we shared.

I’m grateful that you’re alive. I spend more energy trying to keep you alive than I spend doing anything for myself. I would do anything for you.

Being with you feels wrong. I wish you cared like I did about making things right.

You’re still angry at me for things I can’t control. I’m sorry. I wish I could fix everything. Loving you feels helpless. If anything, I know you love me. I don’t know if you realize how much you hurt me. It doesn’t matter as long as I can keep going.

I don’t think feeling this much pressure is normal. You take things far too quickly for me. I can compromise if it’d be better for you. Going along with it makes me feel like crawling out of my skin and into a ball. I’ll do whatever you want me to. I love you. I don’t want to believe you hurt me. Just from small parts of conversations in group chats, our friends have been concerned for me. I’m scared what they would think if I told them anything. If I told anyone everything I think about us, I think they would have told me to break up with you. It’s a good thing I haven’t told anyone. I don’t think I can, anyway.

You’re my closest confidant. I can’t tell you when I’m happy. I don’t think I can tell you when I’m not, either. I heard what you told other people about me. I forgive you. I think it’s true, anyway. You want to be together, no matter what. I don’t think I can betray myself to be with you. You wanted a forever. I did too, once. Now, thinking about forever feels a little like a set of shackles. You make me feel confident in my appearance. I don’t think I can ever bring you to feel okay about yourself.

Arguing with you feels pointless. It’s a lot easier to take your opinions. I'll bear them, or I'll make them my own. I thought it would help you to not be angry at me. It felt more helpless instead. I can’t understand you sometimes. I don’t know why you don’t say what you mean. My mother says things about our relationship that are harsh. I love you more than myself. I tell her she’s making baseless assumptions. I haven’t told her anything. I know, though, that she’s right. I think I might be drowning.

----------

(I wrote this on a dark plane, in an attempt to get some closure. It really, really helped.)

"i think i might be drowning"

[a-wayfairing-stranger]

Goodbyes. (Jon Snow x OFC)

Jon and Karella see each other one last time before they say goodbye forever.

It was raining as Karella walked through the castle, the harsh rain was laced with sleet, and no doubt it would snow overnight.

Karella didn’t care to dwell on the next day, The King and his party, would be leaving Winterfell, back to the capitol, and Jon Snow, who she had grown quite fond of, would be joining the Night’s watch, and they’d never see each other again.

Jon was in their usual meeting spot, tucked away in the corners of one of the hallways, on a bench, Ghost at his feet, who’s red eyes opened at Karella’s approach. 

“Ella.” Jon greeted, still somewhat formal, they had known each other for a week, and she had only just convinced him to not call her Lady Lannister.

“Jon.” Karella replied, sitting next to him and reaching down to scratch behind Ghost’s ears “Any news on your brother?”

“No change.”

“I suppose that is good…at least he isn’t worse.”

Bran Stark was Jon’s younger brother, only seven, and as of right now he was in his sick bed, crippled, after slipping from one of the castle’s towers, the Stark’s had all been in a dower mood since, and Karella found herself praying for the boys recovery, even though she didn’t know him.

“You’re leaving tomorrow.” Jon commented “You might be lucky and miss the snow.”

“You’re also leaving, for the wall I’ve heard, to take the oath.”

“What place is there for me here?” Jon looked away, a mixture of sadness and anger on his face “My Father will go with you, taking the girls, Lady Stark will not wish to have me here lingering around like a bad smell, not with Bran in the state he is.”

“But the Night’s Watch is so..” She hesitated, trying to find the right word “Lonely.”

“I have an Uncle there, I shall not be alone.” He sighed “I would be far more lonely here, I assure you.”

“Then why not go with your Father?”

“A bastard at court? That’d be the day.” 

Karella stared at the back of Ghost’s head, he was right, but she wanted him to come to King's Landing, she didn’t want this to be the last time they speak, she wanted to spend more time with Jon, to get to know him more, to walk through the gardens of the castle with Ghost at their heels.

“I don’t want this to be the last time I see you.” Karella whispered “I have enjoyed our time together.” 

When she looked at Jon, he was looking at her, with his grey eyes full of sadness. 

“Ella..” His voice was soft, “You deserve more than I can give.”

Her cheeks flushed, she wasn’t aware she had made her feelings quite so obvious

“Isn’t that my choice to make?”

“Your cousin is going to be King, Your Aunt is the Queen..”

“Stating the facts doesn’t change how I feel.”

“But they should, This isn’t something that can happen, we both know that.”  

“Its unfair.”

Jon chuckled, “You sound like Arya.”

“She is an intelligent girl, I shall take it as a compliment.” 

She tried to laugh, but it came out as a sob, and before she could stop them, red hot tears were streaming down her cheeks

“No..don’t cry..” 

She felt hands cup her cheeks and thumbs brushing away the tears

“Ella, please..” 

She opened her eyes, and through her tears, could make out the blurry outline of Jon’s face, inches away from hers.

“My Aunt is pressuring me to choose a husband, and for a foolish second I thought you might fill that roll.” 

He smiled, it was tinted with sadness, but also happiness, an odd mixture of feelings that she too herself was experiencing. 

“In another life, Karella Lannister, I would have loved to have been your husband.”

“I’ll hold you to that, in my next life I shall seek you out.”

He leaned in and kissed her, softly, brushing his lips against hers, unsure in his movements.

Karella had never kissed anyone before, well not like this, sure she’d kissed Llwellyn’s cheeks a few times, but that was hardly the same.

She kissed him back, if she were to never see Jon again, she would at least have this memory to hold on to.

After that felt like an age, but also no time at all, since Jon’s lips touched her time seemed to freeze, the universe could go on without them, she wanted to stay like this forever, frozen in time, just the two of them.

Ghost nudged his way between them, Causing them to break apart and Jon laughed.

“My apologies, Ghost..” He laughed, “I am taking Ella’s attention away from you.”

Karella rubbed between Ghost’s ears, and laughed

“Of course there is only one man for me, and he has white fur and red eyes.”

“Who am I to compete with that?” 

Jon rubbed Ghost’s snout 

“Ella…will you meet me here, at midnight?”

Karella was surprised, her mind leaped to conclusions, finding the meaning in his request, she shouldn’t, He wasn’t her husband, he was….he’s Ned Stark’s bastard, her Father and Aunt would be angry if they even knew that they’d shared this kiss let alone anything else.

“I will.”

She smiled at Jon, still stroking Ghost’s ears.

“Fantastic.”

[drew519]

I return here years later, to a place we both enjoyed. Still in love with her as much as I ever was. 14-15 months later… in love with the woman I thought she was. Still seeing her beautiful face as clearly as if she was standing in front of me…. I became a shell of myself trying to fix our relationship. Not realizing that the changes had come years prior. I can’t help but wish that I could go back in time to save us… to save her. I purposefully sacrificed my sanity over and over again, “knowing” she was she was worth it. I was foolish… but such is love. 14-15 months later, and the old me, the man that didn’t break for love, is returning. I’ve dug myself out of debt, helped my mother, and am back on my own. It was the first night in my new home with the dog we shared that tears rolled down my face. Another rare moment alone to mourn what was… I can’t allow myself to fall into despair trying to fix the past…. Forward! I’ve been successful and I will continue to build the life I desperately wanted with her… unfortunately it won’t be with her. I pray for her, but I know some of my last words haunt her. I pray for the son that wasn’t genetically mine. I know the troubles he faces and I’m sad I’m not there to guide him. I’ve seen what a lack of masculine guidance has done to him and I know and fear what this world has in store for him…. I was honored to be his father… but I was only his father when it was convenient for her. And then she got pregnant… OUR CHILD! Finally! … and then he/she was gone. There has never been a more blissfully moment in my life as it was when she was pregnant. And just like that, our happiness was gone. Was it natural, was it the lack of attention to her own health? I could care less, our baby was gone. 14-15 months later, I sit in my new apartment, and focus on my goals, pushing and pushing, because when I left, I bet on myself, and I knew I wouldn’t lose. I knew she wouldn’t understand. I knew she would vilify me… I knew the pain would be unbearable, and despite weak moments, I persevered! I have felt love since I was last with her, but will it ever feel like that again?… a question for a man that has the luxury to dwell. The warrior’s blade may have dulled in a time of peace and love, but the warrior remains. And now his blade is sharpened daily. Gone are the days of blissful love and ignorance. It is a warrior’s curse to battle, and it is my burden to succeed. I face this up hill battle, finally back on level ground, encouraged by my resilience. It wasn’t the first time I had been buried, but it will be the last. My goal is in sight…. Every step I take, I wish your hand was holding mine, and I wish that at the peak, it was you at my side…. I don’t know how much longer I will mourn, but I know the mountain peak is within reach. I told her on multiple occasions that if she were ever taken from me, I would rip the heavens open and challenge HIM for her soul… what hubris… well now it is HIM that watches as I walk this path alone. For it is my path… I will become what I promised her I would be, I will become what I promised myself! I will be the man our unborn child would be proud of…and when my time comes, I look forward to seeing our child and I hope above anyone else, that I made them proud, that I would’ve been a good father. And that despite me leaving their mother, that I continued to love her with all my soul, even when I didn’t want to. To my child, you were the best of us… you were the manifestation of our love, and like our love, you were too pure for this world. I will make you proud! Please watch over us both. Watch over your brother, because he needs you most of all. And even though I’ve always known, seen, and trusted karma to take care of those who did me wrong, I truly love your mother, so please take care of her. Watch over us… I will love you forever! 2.16.21

[aphrodita-from-foam]

**** Feel free to ignore this if it's too much; I just had to get it out and this is a rash decision to send it but here goes nothing - you know who**** If I ever saw you again I don’t know how I’d react. Our last sighting was under horrible circumstances, I’m sorry for blind sighting you like that. I don’t know how much you know or how private things had to be, but I was a mess every time I saw you, I hate how everything happened. We’ll never fully make sense to me, but I think I’ve known that from the start. I found all my old poetry from 2016. (What a sucker punch) I’ve been thinking of publishing a collection eventually so I’m interspersing some old with the new (but not the ones for you, I can’t bring myself to do it) Why do I still write to you? I don’t have a clear answer there. I don’t even know if I’ll gather the courage to leave this for you. She knows everything, which is why I can’t respond to you. It's been quite the rollercoaster of a year. I really didn’t expect to get to the point where I’d be making you an accidental visit like that... It's been a rough few months. It’s been twice not once, I just opted out of inpatient the second time. How did they let me get away with that? Unclear. I guess I’m good with words. I’m taking the semester off of school to get my meds under control. I don’t have to be telling you any of this, but I know you care and as much as I don’t speak it I still care too. I think I always will. But we crossed a line. If we had tiptoed a little softer, If I could have just been honest with her from the start, Who knows where we would be? Colleagues? Friends? Confidants? Who knows what we could ever be now? Only time will tell. I’m just writing this to say that even though it’s been dark, I am alive and well. I hope the same goes for you. I can’t contact you any other way, but I’ve thought of leaving you something for some time now, I just didn’t know what to say or how to even say it. I want the best of everything in the world for you and I always will. Looking at the old writings is still gut-wrenching because it was so intense. One of your lines has stuck in my head and will never leave: I was real, and I was here, with you. That’ll never go away. I hope your life is full of love and laughter and if this is in ill taste and causes pain then to believe me, I’m sorry. That’s not my intention. I just know that you know I was in pain and didn’t know what to do or say nor were you allowed to, and I don’t want you to worry. I don’t know how much your coworkers are allowed to tell you, but it was an emotional stay knowing you were so close. I don’t say that to be rude, it’s because I wanted to talk to you but couldn’t. I guess here is where I’ll end. Good luck in everything you put your passion towards, anyone will be forever lucky to have you. Maybe one day we’ll meet again, and if we don’t I hope you keep the songs. I’ll never forget anything.

Thank you for writing. It’s good to hear from you. I’m sorry for having pushed the boundaries between us. I’m going inpatient for a while myself and also took the semester off- what a wild year this has been- I miss talking to you, I miss seeing you and holding you. I wish I was in your life- in whatever capacity… I’m doing a lot of step work as well, sex and love addicts anon, it’s a great program and they have helped me heal so so much. I’m happy to know you are alive and prioritizing your mental health- it has helped me son much to cut back several hours of work and take a break from school. I’m single now, for the first time in a long time and this time- I am okay with it… I’ve been rediscovering myself and learning to love myself and be kind to myself.

I have so much love and softness for you. I talked about you just the other day to a close friend- told him how much my heart yearns for you, but how we always get our timing wrong.

I fear you may be my life long “almost” and “what if”, it’s painful to think of all the lovely scenarios we could have been, but through the program and (a lot) of therapy, I’ve been accepting the fate of what we are.

I believe you in you. I love you, even after everything and only want the happiness and kindness you give to the world for yourself.

Publish your beautiful work, fall in love with yourself, grow, nurture, and heal.

Forever yours,

Lola.