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vael · 5 years ago

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2019 Annual Review

Each year, I look back at the previous year’s annual review and note that things didn’t go as planned. For some reason I am always surprised, but this time it’s a little painful, too. From 2018′s Annual Review:

“2019 outlook? Sunny! I hope it will be my best year yet.“

Oh, Vael. You built your house, you moved to the promised land. But your year did not go as planned. You are not even close to the zen you craved.

It has been a wild year. This will run long. All I can do is stick to the format and hope my memory and average writing skill will do the year justice. So, as usual, we start with the positive.

What went well this year?

We like our house. We do. The builder was no good, resulting in some warped walls and a lot of headache getting them to finish everything properly, but the layout is very suitable for us. My office is exactly what I needed, our TV room has just the right space for us. We finally have a respectable kitchen. Since I’m living and working in the house 24 hours a day, it’s important to have a comfortable space.

Game development. For the past five years, I’ve put in some serious work. A lot of it was within my game engine, GAM3, and tinydark’s gaming network, The Orbium. While I put in a lot of work, not much came in the way of actual games produced. I finally rallied in 2018 and put out Bean Grower. It was designed to be a supplemental game, not a main driver, so it will not bring in sustainable income. I went on to think that I should open GAM3 up to other developers, license the engine out and collect a share of what they make.

I resolved to refactor GAM3: a word which means to rewrite and modernize many parts of it so that it’s easier to work in, and for it to present better. I would come to realize this desire to share GAM3 was due to a lack of confidence in myself to produce something great, and financially sustainable. Around the time I was realizing that multiplayer was the answer, I discovered Marosia.

Then we moved, I took on contract work, and things generally slowed for me for a few months, eking out what development I could. I played Marosia throughout and in August, it died. I wrote a teardown for it. The stars had aligned: though I had a lot of prelim work to be done, I would make a successor to Marosia. I managed to hype a few people in the community with a demo of GAM3 and I spent the next few months coding a chat prototype and generally organizing myself, and finally mid-November began the refactoring. It would end there, but just this morning (seriously) we learned Marosia was coming back. I had a momentary freakout but it’s ultimately a good thing for my own game.

I haven’t been more excited for a project in a long time. I never thought I’d be so excited to create a standard fantasy world, but it’s a ton of fun, with intricacies I never considered. The game’s design lends itself to a sustainable monetization model: I’m thinking $3/mo for quality-of-life upgrades, with a discount for buying in bulk. I would have paid double for Marosia, so I think this is fair. (6 months of die2nite is currently priced at $69, 6 months of Hattrick is $90!) And most important of all, I can do it ethically, with a game that truly means something to people.

Web development. I’ve learned quite a bit this year! I am so grateful for svelte. I liked but never loved React.js. It always felt ponderous to me. I have no doubt The Orbium’s refactoring would have taken me half the time it did if I were learning svelte vs. React, simply because React is so much more convoluted than svelte, and all in the name of uglier syntax. Svelte seamlessly integrates style and functionality into UI components, which means that if I’m working with a button that clicks to open a modal, everything I need for that button is in that one file.

Due to my contract work (with Harley Davidson, I can reveal) I also got some experience with Symfony and other modern development practices in PHP. PHP doesn’t really excite me these days, loathing having to produce views with it, but it is at least comfy.

My job. “Yeah, yeah.” I got a raise, most of which was contributed to getting Eve and my son onto my badass healthcare plan. We’re developing like it’s 2012, which is frustrating and makes even simple tasks take forever, but I can’t complain about the pay nor the stability of the company and my position there. I also work mostly remotely.

What didn’t go so well?

2019 was dominated by the bad. Eve’s not putting out an Annual Review, but our pain is shared.

The move. 11 months after the contract was signed, our builder was finally ready to let us move in. The house was not finished, just livable. So we rushed out of Rhode Island. We packed my car with everything we could fit, even removing the spare tire, but we got almost all of it. Me, Eve, our son, and our two cats.

At around 7:30 PM, we were driving on a dark highway when we were struck by a muffler that had fallen out from the truck in front of us. It destroyed the front-end, spilling radiator fluid onto the road. I had no idea what was going on, but it so happened that a mechanic had broken down right near us and was able to help. The engine barely carried us to the nearest motel, and I was in shock. I carried all our stuff to our second-floor room, it was even lightly raining. And I was defeated. Eve reports she had never seen me so bad. I had no idea how long we’d be in this ghetto-ass motel, what it would cost us during this time of great financial need, and mostly: I was just miserable. We could have died. If it had hit one of our tires, we could have spun out at 70+ MPH. All I wanted to do was get to our house the next day, and here we were.

I won’t detail the rest here, but I do want to thank my friends for their support and appreciate the good fortune that we got through this time.

We got to the house at 11PM on a Sunday; I still appreciate our builder taking the time to show us around so late. And... it was not at all what we were expecting. We had no driveway, and it had rained. We were tracking in some mud but that didn’t even matter because the entire house had to be cleaned. There was dirt all over the floors, they’d forgotten I didn’t want a chandelier over the dining room table, and the feeling was that we’d gone through Hell (and austure financial practices) to get here and this was it. So much wasn’t done. We knew that, but we didn’t think we’d be sweeping and wetting the floor with paper towel just to have a place to put our stuff. Shoutout to my friend Cody for setting us up with a supply drop.

We spent a lot of time buying furniture, aided by our rental SUV, all the while worrying about our newly purchased things sitting around the house without our protection as workers came in and out. I had to go back to Virginia to pick up the car and through exhaustion, caffeine, stupidity, and anxiety, managed to go 88 MPH and get myself a ticket: a misdemeanor, even. I spent the entire day picking up that damn car (5 hours up and down) and returned home in the worse state I’d ever felt. I was emotionally, mentally, and physically depleted.

But there was no stopping for me: I took on contract work and I had to get it done just to stay afloat. And then we got a fucking dog.

The dog. At some point in 2018 we determined that our son could use a companion and that a dog really completes the family. Leading up to the move, we put a down payment on a rough collie: the “Lassie” breed. They usually run around $800 and we got her for $500. I was a fan of the breed and Eve had done research that proves it’s a great breed. (it is) Even after the accident, we thought we should pay the rest for her and bring some joy into our life.

We named her Esme, and getting a dog was definitely one of the worst macro decisions I’ve made for the family yet. I couldn’t last more than a month with her. It was my decision to get rid of her, which made my wife and son sad but we were getting so little out of the experience. The cats beat her up, she was afraid of everything, and all she wanted to do was run around but we kept her cooped up in the house because we had no fence. I hated that there was still a dog smell, and I hated that it farted during Game of Thrones. It was over when we went grocery shopping and came back to a poop-filled crate, which the circumstances of the night dictated I must clean.

Young Living. Eve was supposed to sell essential oils for some side money. We knew it wasn’t going to be big money, unless she got lucky or turned out to be a natural-born saleswoman, but it was something to do and we believe in the products. I really trust in Young Living and I personally have seen the benefits of their oils and products.

So she went to the YL convention in Utah to learn to sell and, hey, have some fun. She returned feeling even less confident: they’d changed some numbers, and the truth that we always knew was that the market’s highly saturated. There are memes trivializing the effects of oils and there’s no denying the company’s an MLM. A lot of the big earners made their sales early on. Coinciding with the bad feels of Autumn, we decided to put the oil dream aside and focus on mental and physical health.

Eve mental/physical health. The muffler changed a lot for us. It morphed what should have been a very happy time in our lives into a very stressful one. Eve felt fatigued and broken down, and I wasn’t much better off. One day before her planned back-to-action, pick ourselves up and get ready to enjoy Summer, she sprained and tore a ligament in her ankle while coming down the stairs. We hoped it was just a sprain and did everything we could to avoid going to the doctor, but a week later she hadn’t gotten better and so began the PT and bullshit regimen. Our plans of hiking the blue ridge mountains were crushed.

But she recovered, and I shit you not, the very day before she planned to return to action, it was Father’s Day. She was making me my special breakfast and was using a hand-blender to blend pumpkin french toast mix when she went to clean some gunk out of the blender with her finger. It was a split-second decision to help make breakfast faster. Her finger twitched, caught the irresponsibly sensitive power button and tore her finger up. Immediately took her to Urgent Care and then the Emergency Room. $3,000 and some luck later, she kept her finger, but has permanently lost some feeling in it.

That was a bad time for us. I was overworked, she was miserable, and yet she still managed to get to Utah to learn how to sell. To salvage our year. In Autumn, all the anxiety, stress, and the damage from her upbringing finally culminated and she broke.

Her physical health tanked in tandem with her mental. She suffered frequent menstrual issues and her EDS (a joint disorder) flaring up. It is hard to detail all the pain and frustration, and it really is beyond the scope of what needs to be said. My wife is depressed, prone to feeling overwhelmed, and I’m happy to say that we are getting her professional help soon.

What’s remarkable is that I can’t recall a period of time that she didn’t try her best to recover. Every month, most weeks, she would constantly express that the next day or month was her time. She’s done it for this month and 2020 as well. And I don’t think she’s lazy or unmotivated. She is just defeated and I am a poor comforter. Honestly, I am just shit at helping people if the solution isn’t “well just force yourself to do the thing.” That’s how I get through my problems and it doesn’t work for everyone, not even always myself. Still she is strong. I think writing this out has helped me remember that.

Relationship with my son. I had hoped my increased efficiency and happiness would improve our relationship. I planned for more structure: things like “once we’re upstairs for bedtime rituals, no going back down.” Each night I make a point to spend a minimum of 30 focused minutes with him. But I have only succeeded in making our relationship worse. I don’t think he needs professional help, but there is something within him, from when he was three years old, that just prevents him from being a hard worker. Respect is important to me and I don’t respect him. He is a frustrated child, often not understanding the world, often forgetting things he was supposed to do. I’m not doing a good job of helping.

I think I could have done better, but there were simply too many fronts to fight.

Mental performance. I haven’t gotten any better from last year. I am still not as sharp as 2017-Vael. It is a matter of stress and lifestyle.

What did I learn?

How to be a homeowner! Generally how to manage a home. I got my tools, all cute with my little leaf blower.

SLOWWWW DOWWWWN. The outside of the house needs some work. We need to extend our driveway, clear an acre, and put up a fence. I could take a loan out to do this and be fine, but I could also just slow down. Take a deep breath. Enjoy what we have for the Summer. It sucks I won’t be able to use that acre for farming, but I think I have a good place to plant a single apple tree this year. And hey, less mowing.

A shit ton of web development.

Probably became more cynical. But I think The Good Place has helped remind me to be a good person.

To just accept Eve needs help. And that I really suck at helping her.

Future Outlook

All that bad stuff that happened? Pfft. Shitty year. 2020′s here, it’s a brand new decade. I’ve got a cool game I want to make, we’re gonna get Eve some help, and...

Get pregnant! Yeah! Right now we definitely aren’t ready for kids. We need to use our new health insurance to make a bunch of appointments, recover financially, mentally, physically. But we very badly want more children. I feel it all the time. I have begun to suspect that genetics do matter, and I wonder if Abel’s laziness mirrors his biological father’s laziness. My dad loved to work and I do too. It might be possible to pass these traits on.

Better office. I need to get some furniture and improve my work environment.

Vacation! We desperately need a vacation. We’re going to Disney this year, either May or June.

Zen Vael. I will attempt to be “the person I want to be” as detailed last year. My soft goal for this is March 15th, as I set last year. I will undoubtedly fail that date. There is no way I’m wrangling my sleep and attitude in the next two months, but surely by the end of the year?

Thanks for reading.

Vael

#annual review

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thisismyjourney2022 · 5 years ago

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“The one who falls and gets up is so much stronger than the one who never fell”

Hello world! Wow, how long has it been? My last entry was back in August. So be prepared for a long entry, but as always thank you for taking the time to read it.

I talked about my decision to go to Over Eaters Anonymous. I went to four meetings, and each meeting made me think and realize(as bad as it sounds) that I was not as bad as all the other people who went to those meetings. I would leave the meetings feeling better about myself. Crazy as that sounds. After those few meetings, I decided I just did not belong there, so I stopped going.

September was such a terrible, rough month for me. I was physically in a bad place(I was seldomly) going to the gym, I’d keep pushing it off and just finding those excuses for not going. And even worse mentally in a really really bad place. Over the summer, me and 3 of my girlfriends planned a girls weekend in Atlantic City, we were looking forward to this weekend for 2 months. I bought a new dress and I was so excited to see my friends and for a night out in AC. However the week going into it, my mind started to take over and not in a good way.

I met my friend Nick for drinks that week, and we were talking about my weekend. I was saying how I did not want to go anymore because I did not want to be seen in my dress, and I did not want to be seen with my friends because I was going to be seen as the bigger one and I was feeling super self conscious and my anxiety level was sky high. I even texted my friends and told them that I was thinking about bailing out on the weekend because I wasn’t feeling good about myself and I did not want to be seen with them. Of course being my friends they all told me that I did not need to feel that way, that I was beautiful and all that stuff,, and that we were all going to have a great time.

The weekend finally arrived and I drove down to AC a little earlier to meet my friend(who was also there for the weekend) at the beach. I was already starting to feel a little anxious and was really wishing that I had backed out like I wanted to. She then tells me that Nick messaged her and asked if I ended up going because he wanted me to go and have a good time. It was sweet to know that I had friends who cared enough about me.

We get to the house and everyone is hanging out, talking, but not me. I felt so out of place and so uncomfortable. My mind had every negative thought in there that was possible. It bothered me that everyone was being asked, “So are you seeing anyone? Do you have a boyfriend, etc”? Yet, I was only being asked, “Hows work going?” My self esteem was already low and not being involved in those questions, made me feel like my feelings were being validated, that even my friends didn’t see me as someone worth having a boyfriend or having someone who wanted to talk to me. After we all got ready, we went to the club. After being there for roughly 30 min., I knew I had to leave. Something in my body just couldn’t take it. I left the club, stepped outside and started crying. I ubered back to the house by myself and just spent the rest of the night alone.

In the next week or so, I had doctors. I went into the room, and the doctor first thing she says to me is, “Are you okay?” I just started crying. I told her I’ve been sad for a few weeks and she said as soon as you walked in, I could tell that something as wrong. You weren’t smiling, your face and your affect was just so off.” I told her I have a therapist and I had an appointment with her this week. She gave me tissues and gave me a hug.

That same week, I went to my therapist and we talked. I told her how I was feeling, while explaining it the best I could, because truthfully, I didn’t know what I was feeling or why I was feeling. I just knew that was how I felt. My lack of drive was not only affecting me mentally, but physically. I hadn’t made any progress with my weight loss because I just didn’t care and I could not find the strength enough to care. My mind was an emotional roller coaster and I was the only one in charge of the ride.

September finally came to an end, and without realizing it my mood started to change. I found myself smiling more and not feeling so down. I don’t know what happened, or how it happened. But I’m glad something clicked.

Every year, my family holds a race for my cousins foundation. He passed away 12 years ago, and his brother started a foundation in his memory to help families dealing with pediatric cancer. We have raffles and giveaways, and for the first time, we have a vendor from a gym, a bootcamp to be exact. They were offering a 2 week free trial, so I decided what do I have to lose? I signed up and ended up going about a week or two later.

My most recent hurdle was regarding my health. I went to the eye doctor back in November for a way over due eye exam. The doctor started asking me all these questions, and I didn’t know why he was. So he took the picture behind my eyes and finally explained everything. He showed me the picture of what my eyes looked like and he told me that my eyes and the veins behind my eyes were bulging. There was so much excess pressure in my head that it was pressing up against my eyes and causing all the pain and the headaches and migraines I had been dealing with over a long period of time. I explained how I was taking salsa dancing which i I loved, but had to stop because the simple turns would destroy me. I felt as if the whole room was spinning and I’d be out for 5 minutes trying to regain my composure and balance. He said, “That isn’t normal.” But for me, it was normal, I didn’t know anything else. He said the excess pressure a a probable cause for why the turns affected me so badly.

He had to consult my neurologist and together they both decided that I needed to get MRIs done as soon as possible to rule out anything, so of course your mind always thinks of the worst case scenario. Prior to me getting the MRIs done, and after waiting until I got all the results, I thought the worst. I thought I had a brain tumor and started googling all the possibilities. Worst thing ever to do.

If everything came back negative, I was to have a spinal tap done. Thankfully, the MRI results came back negative. But that meant that a spinal tap was needed. So super long story short, spinal tap was done, fluid was removed, however I still needed to go to doctors. I’ve been to an eye doctor that specializes in neurology, have to do more testing with them. On Friday, I had an appointment with a neuro specialist, He wants more tests to be done and then we go from there.

It’s been a super stressful time, and honestly just doing the days one day at a time. But the most stressful and aggravating part of it all is that I was told what I have is rare. When it presents itself, it occurs in girls my age, who are overweight.

When I heard that it made me so angry. In the past 10 months(at this point) I was down 30 lbs, but yet my symptoms only got worse over the past few months with my increasing headaches and pain in my head.

Yet, another thing that affected my life because of my weight, sigh.

My 33th birthday just passed and I made a vow to myself that it was going to be different this year. So I decided to make some changes. I got a tattoo to represent where I am in my life and my journey thus far. (I am less than a month away from reaching my 1 year mark!)

My tattoo says, “I ain’t sayin I’m perfect, but I promise I’m worth it.”

It is something that took me a looooong time to realize. I’m still realizing it. I’m 1000% not perfect, but I know I’m worth the good things that life brings me.

I also changed my hairstyle. Cut my hair a little shorter and got bangs. I needed to start the new year of my life, as a new person, a better version of the person I am.

I joined the biggest loser competition at work in November, and I found out on the last day of school before break that I WON!!!!

Never in my wildest dreams would I ever ever think that I would have won a weight loss competition, especially with how my life was last year in regards to my eating habits and lack of physical activity.

It has been a crazy year with this journey, as hard as it’s been, as many times that I’ve fallen, and that many bumps along the road, I’ve managed to always get back up. There have been times where I thought I didn’t have the strength to, but somehow strength happened when I needed it the most.

My cousin texted me the other day with this message, “ Hi sweetheart! I always thought you were soo pretty but your new haircut your smile that lights up a room, your weight loss you are even more prettier. Not because you lost the weight but your confidence is shining through and it looks great!”

I can’t lie, that message made me cry. It was so sweet, and especially because it was something that I was not expecting.

Year 2020 is only a few days away, and I am ready to take it down.

I joined a new challenge at the bootcamp that I joined, and it starts a day before my 1 year mark, so I’m excited to continue my journey with a whole new outlook!

Speaking of the bootcamp,

BEST DECISION EVER.

I’ve been going for two months and I feel stronger. Since I’ve started, I’ve gone down 15 lbs and lost 16 inches around my whole body. How insane?? I’ve had my falls, but I’ve managed to get back up! I am only 4 lbs away from my 40lb weight loss! Me??? almost 40 lbs down. I can’t believe it.

Okay, wow that was a lot. Thank you to everyone who actually sat through and read the entire entry!

Still hope I’m making everyone proud.

xoxo

Team Chrissie

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saladejin · 6 years ago

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Changing States | Jimin

Jimin x Reader | non idolverse au, husband!Jimin | Fluff, crack-ish, slight angst

Summary: You receive a much needed comfort after one of the worst days in history. Well... your history anyway.

Warnings: Mention of a pregnancy loss.

Word Count: 3k

* Request from my Ao3 series ‘Movie Night’.

Sometimes people liked to call it waking up on the wrong side of the bed. You preferred to label it as just a bad day, nothing to worry about usually, yet now you were rethinking everything.

Today, your entire bed seemed to be on the wrong side of the room.

You awoke to the sound of loud machinery and boisterous yelling filtering in from the window. Blinking the sleep away, you inwardly cursed for forgetting to get the uneven windowsill fixed up yet again. Now you would have to deal with the noise from the construction site next door without being able to complain about it because it was your scatterbrain that had left you to suffer in silence.

You let your eyes flutter shut and extended one arm towards the other half of the bed, desperate for the warm body that would usually be there but only meeting the cold, dreary bedsheets with your fingertips.

That’s right, he has to work extra early hours today.

You sat up slowly, letting your eyes trail over the hauntings of a crease he had left in the smooth fabric. You couldn’t help but roll over to rest your face into his plush pillow, trying to catch the last tendrils of his scent that was made up of a million different things. The things that made you feel secure and bolted to the ground, whether it be his aromatic shampoo or the light cologne he’d worn the previous day.

It hadn’t been the best morning so far, but you knew he would have made it perfect if he’d only been by your side. Being your source of motivation to get going, or something.

You got to your feet and padded into the bathroom to make yourself somewhat presentable. Your brows were still twitching from the obnoxious noise outside, and the fact that they’d brought in a big reversing truck had amped the annoyance level. Repetitive beeping was a big no for your sanity at the moment.

“Two more weeks,” you sighed and tried to angle your lips upwards into a smile, just for the sake of feeling brighter in mind and spirit.

Then, the smile vanished as a high pitched shriek tore from your throat. The big fat hairy spider sitting on your mirror didn’t move, but you did.

“What the fuck!” You growled, eyeing the creature and clenching at your heart over your shirt to stop it from racing. It was so big you were almost too afraid to try getting rid of it. Usually you could whip out the fly spray or get a cup and a sheet of paper to let it outside, but this one was giving you eyes.

“Nope.”

You let the bathroom door click shut and let your head rest against the wood with an audible thump. It was still morning, but already you’d been through about twelve of your most detested emotions of all time.

I’ll let Jimin deal with it when he gets home.

You left the spider to its own devices and made your way into the kitchen for some food. Luckily for you, the milk had expired and your coffee machine had decided to overflow and ooze its weird concoction of water, caffeine and sugar straight onto your tiles. Tiles which had been freshly mopped not two days ago, mind you.

You reminded yourself to feel thrilled that it hadn’t been on the carpet instead.

You could only sigh again and began moving your feet to get the cleaning stuff from the cupboard. The sound of the machine dripping occasionally followed you the entire way, and that, coupled with everything else that had gone down so far, landed you the biggest headache you could possibly imagine.

You weren’t hungover, but if things continued the way they were then it wouldn’t be long before you’d be setting yourself up for something similar. Your phone buzzed a while later and you perked up at the message from your best friend. She’d suddenly invited you out for lunch, but you didn’t know how to feel.

I’ve been kicked out of the bathroom and I haven’t had much to eat. I’ll look like trash and be grumpy as hell, but hey at least it’ll take my mind off everything for a while.

Newsflash, it hadn’t helped.

You watched in shock as your friend beamed at you from her seat in the café. Your coffee had been served unnaturally cold, and then when you’d sent it back they had returned with a completely wrong order altogether. You could barely keep your fragile sense of civility together for the nervous looking waiter, but whenever you felt yourself about to snap you just imagined Jimin’s heart-warming smile and the words he would always speak in moments of amounting stress.

“It’ll be alright baby, you’ll get through it.”

Now, the aforementioned shock was stemming from your friend and colleague. The friend and colleague who had just dropped a bombshell.

“We’ve decided to move interstate! There’s a lovely house on a river we saw and fell in love with,” She smiled excitedly.

“That’s amazing,” You breathed, genuinely feeling happy for her but trying your best to ignore the feelings of sorrow gripping at your heart.

“I’ll be sad to leave you guys and the company, but I’ll come down to visit as often as I can. You okay (Y/n) sweetie?”

You jerked as her hand found yours across the table.

“Yeah, sorry I’ve had a bit of a chaotic day. I’m so happy for you,” You smiled, grasping her hand and feeling relieved when she seemed to let the moment pass. You hated yourself for letting the negativity outweigh everything else, but you knew you would easily be feeling elated if had just been a better day.

“I’ll have to show you photos, maybe you two will be inspired to look for another place somewhere too,” She smiled tenderly, knowing you and Jimin had always wanted to venture out into the world to find the perfect spot. Work had overtaken many things so far in your married lives, but seeing your friend finally break free did make you feel hopeful for a change.

Feeling encouraged by your thoughtful and optimistic expression, your friend continued.

“Just a nice little place with a perfect temperature for like, everything! Wouldn’t it be great to even live close together? Our families and kids could share so many memories.”

Your smile dropped and your best friend suddenly let her voice die in her throat, realising she’d brought something up she shouldn’t have just yet. It was a little soon.

“Oh shit, (Y/n) I didn’t mean to.”

“No, it’s fine silly,” You laughed it off, still squeezing her hand to reassure her. Her worried gaze pierced into your own and you felt a tad uncomfortable from all the emotions in your brain running rampant all of a sudden.

“You look under the weather, let me pay your bill,” She offered softly, getting to her feet and prompting you to follow. You were so grateful she was so tuned to your mannerisms, she knew just when you needed a break from it all.

You said your goodbyes after apologising for your miserable appearance once again, finally getting into the car and heaving a massive sigh to rid yourself from the tension. You contemplated calling Jimin, but you knew that he was at work and would likely be busy with getting everything done. He was efficient like that.

“What a shitty person I am, couldn’t even be fucking happy for my friend,” You muttered in shaky annoyance as you started up the car, feeling like you wanted to scream all your anger away into the dashboard. Onlookers be damned, you didn’t care about being judged.

No, just buy some ice cream or something on the way home. You’ll have a better day tomorrow.

More of his words drifted through your memory.

“Keep it together, treat yourself. You deserve happiness.”

A sad smile tugged at your lips and you made it onto the road after promising yourself to feel better. If you hit a low point in your day you could only climb up from it. You told yourself to clear your mind and look forward to what time you had left.

To your chagrin, the positive outlook only lasted so long when you found yourself neck-deep in traffic; the sound of rumbling engines and an occasional beep of a horn being the only sounds greeting your ears for a solid ten minutes.

What the…

Your resolve cracked at the edges and began crumbling.

“Music will help,” Your teeth found your bottom lip as you reached for the radio station buttons, but unfortunately you were only met with white noise and the momentary sound of ads breaking through. You could almost feel the speed of the ice cream melting.

The world became blurry and your grip tightened on the wheel.

“I’m home, my love.”

Jimin’s slightly wearied voice echoed through the front hallway as he shuffled through the door, keys thrown onto the bench and coat draped over a nearby bar stool. He rolled his shoulders experimentally to feel how tensed they were, letting out a sigh at the muscles loosening from their strained position.

“(Y/n)? Jagi?” He used a few more names to try and get your attention, full lips pulling into a frown when he only heard muffled sobbing coming from the living room.

Oh no…

“(Y/n)?”

He walked into the room with purposeful strides, rolling up the sleeves of his button up as he went to help cool down. When he saw the flickering screen of the television, he noticed instantly that an attempted movie stream had failed due to a poor internet connection. He searched the couch hurriedly with concern flashing in his chocolate brown eyes, finally coming to rest on your form wrapped in a blanket huddled to one side. His heart broke when he watched your shoulders tremble with another barely contained wail.

“Shit, (Y/n) are you okay?” He inhaled sharply and jogged over to kneel in front of you, hands flying upwards to peel the blanket away from your face.

“God, I’ve wanted to hear your voice all day,” You sniffled, face red and puffy from tears. He didn’t know why you were crying, but the man embodied all the sensitive qualities of an empath. The sorry sight of you made his own emotions well up at an alarming rate.

“Hold on,” He cradled your face and stood up to gently smear the tears away from your cheeks, planting a sweet kiss on your forehead before rushing to the bedroom to get changed into something comfier.

“You definitely should have called me!” He groaned with a frown, hating that you were feeling so saddened but hadn’t been in contact to let him know.

You could only sigh. “You were working, I’d be too much of a bother.” You swayed on your feet as you waited for him out in the hallway leading to your room. You just wanted to be close to him now; wanting absolutely nothing more than his soothing words and body heat. He finally nudged open the door with his elbow, now dressed in tracksuit pants and a plain white t-shirt that was looser than anything else he owned.

“Come here baby,” He cooed and looked at you with softened eyes, reaching down to sweep you into his arms almost effortlessly. You wrapped your own arms around your husband tightly as he brought you back to the comfort of the couch, pressing his lips to your hair to remind you that he was home safe and sound.

“Tell me all about it.”

You sighed a rickety sigh, feeling even more tears swell from nowhere at the feeling of immense joy you now felt.

“Shit day, just all round shitness,” You murmured as you settled comfortably into his lap. His fingers swept some of your hair away and then moved to run through the tresses, making you smile and lean into the inviting pressure.

“Hmm, what was the first thing,” Jimin prompted, wanting you to let it all out to him while also being curious as to what had caused such emotional trauma. You revelled in the softness of his voice and moved your own hands to touch his face. He thought it was cute, but you believed the resulting smile he flashed your way was the most adorable thing to exist on this planet.

“The windowsill, for one,” You finally muttered, breaking off into a chuckle.

“Oh, whoops. I keep forgetting.” He clicked his tongue, a rumble of a growl sounding deep within his chest. You chuckled again and couldn’t help but nuzzle your face affectionately into his neck.

“It’s not your fault, I was gonna call up about it ages ago.”

His fingers continued to comb through your hair as he hummed for you to continue. Your tears had stopped altogether as you synced your breathing with his, feeling secured by the feeling of his rhythmic heartbeat underneath your moving hand.

“Met up with (F/n), but I looked like shit and felt like shit too. Oh yeah, coffee machine broke before that as well.”

“Wow, double whammy.”

You snorted and tried to push down your feelings of endearment to continue solemnly. “She’s moving away with her husband, interstate.”

Jimin let out a low noise of understanding. Finally, he could wrap his head around why the combination of all these small and big events would cause you to fall apart at the seams. Now that he thought about it, it had been so long since he’d even seen you cry. Maybe you’d been bottling it up for months now, and he just hadn’t noticed.

Work causing me to be ignorant, again! I really need to start focusing on what’s important...

Jimin pushed the thoughts away as you continued with the adoption of a heavier tone, the warmth of your tears falling onto his shoulder suddenly. He ran a hand over the top of your head to comfort you, his own eyes watering at your outward display of frustration.

“I couldn’t bring myself to feel happy, I mean I was but she’s one of my only friends at work and I know I’ll feel a little lost without her there. The house sounds really nice from what she said too.”

Jimin felt your form stiffen as you sobbed lightly.

“Then what?” He prompted with a soft whisper, holding you closer and rubbing your arm to help calm you down.

“She t-talked about kids and stuff, I’m so fucking stupid but I couldn’t help thinking of the miscarriage. She knew too, she…she had to stop herself from speaking just so I wouldn’t break down. Jimin, I’m such a horrible friend, I really am…”

Jimin felt his own sorrow creeping up on him as you brought up something that had deeply affected you both. You comforted one another as you stopped to brood for a few minutes, the silence being as consoling as anything while you focused on the sound of his breathing. He cleared his throat, urging away the crackle in it to lighten the atmosphere.

“It’s alright, the world is full of people you’ll meet and keep close to you. Think of all the opportunity out there instead of seeing the loss. We can visit, no?”

You cracked a smile at his much needed optimism.

“Of course. Of course we can, love.”

He kissed your head again and you reached up to smooth your now softened hair out of your face and peripherals. You looked up at him with an absolute storm of adoration clouding your gaze.

“How about we stay in tonight and just cuddle here on the couch. I’ll get the TV working too,” He murmured, bringing his hands to cup your cheeks lovingly and letting his eyes curve slightly from the accompanying smile. You ruffled his thick ashy locks briefly before shifting in his lap and capturing his lips with your own gently.

“I love you so much, it hurts sometimes,” You sighed after pulling away, but he jerked to follow your lips a second after. You hummed in amusement as you moved to straddle him, trying to pour all of your gratefulness and appreciation into the kiss.

You disconnected but rested your foreheads together to lock eyes, your face scrunching slightly when he tickled your nose with his own.

“I love you too, but you already knew that,” He rasped, planting another tiny peck to your lips and letting it linger.

You couldn’t stop running your thumbs across the expanse of his wide cheeks, your noses still inches apart and warm breaths tickling each other’s lips in small puffs. It was as if neither of you ever wanted to move.

“Yeah, kinda,” You giggled while giving his cheeks the lightest of pinches.

“Kinda? I’ll give you kinda…” Jimin growled playfully and rolled you over to the other side of the couch, standing up straight and flexing out his shoulders while you shrieked with laughter.

“I’m sorry, I know!”

He chuckled cutely and leaned over to tickle you some more before showering you with more kisses. You let your face relax as you took in his warm gaze. You felt a little calmer and more serious after the small bout of liveliness you’d had.

“Sorry, I didn’t really ask about your day. Now that I’m done I can give you a massage while you tell me.”

Jimin let out a big breath and fixed his roughened hair, looking down at you with vaguely tired eyes that were still filled with appreciation.

“Massage sounds amazing love, but I need the toilet.”

“Okay, maybe the ice cream is back to normal. Get it on your way back?” You called out after him.

“Sure thing.”

You smiled softly to yourself as you thought about how much he had managed to cheer you up with one conversation. You did feel kind of selfish for unloading all your troubles onto him without seeming to give a shit about his day in return, but you promised you would make up for it as soon as he came back. You would help him turn his day around, just like he’d done for you.

In fact, the ice cream reminded you of this very moment. When it came down to it, something like this could never be irreversible. Even if you were a sad, melted puddle of emotions from the moment you woke up, you’d since been restored to your former glory by your saviour husband, your personal freezer. He kept you together when you needed it the most.

“AH!”

A muffled shout from the bathroom caused you to slap a hand to your mouth to stop the cackles from escaping.

“That’s a big motherfucker.”

#park jimin #jimin #reader #jimin fluff #bts fanfic #bts fluff #slight angst #husband material #just a whole lot of hurting tbh #he is a sweetheart #it's too late for this #bts #sorry for this #saladejin

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drlaurynlax · 6 years ago

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7 Reasons Why Insurance Won’t Pay for Functional Medicine

Functional medicine focuses on getting to the root cause of your problem instead of just treating the symptom.

We are living in one of the worst chronic disease epidemics of all time with 1 in 2 Americans living with a chronic disease (CDC, 2017) caused by preventable lifestyle factors, like nutrition and sleep, and a projected 100,000 doctor shortage by 2030 (Association of American Medical Colleges, 2017).

The solution? If you’re looking to insurance, you may be waiting awhile, at least if you want an option other than the current model, like Functional Medicine or a holistic doctor.

Practitioners who take an “unconventional approach” to medicine by addressing the roots of disease, as opposed to managing symptoms like the norm.

Sound Familiar?

If you’ve ever been to the doctor, you’ve probably experienced the healthcare rabbit hole.

1st Step: Feel sick.

2nd: Step Call the doctor to make an appointment.

3rd Step: Wait 1-4 weeks to get seen.

4th Step: Go to see the doctor. Wait in the waiting room. Chat briefly.

5th Step: Walk out with a prescription or go down a rabbit hole to see another specialist or schedule another appointment.

We ALL know that rabbit hole:

The Rabbit Hole of Healthcare

In the traditional healthcare system, it takes an average of121 minutes each time a person seeks medical care just to get seen. The total includes 37 minutes of travel time, as well as 87 minutes at the doctor’s office or clinic—most of that spent waiting in the waiting room. (Ray et al, 2015)

In fact, the average person only spends 15 minutes of “talk time” with the doctor in a visit (Tai-Seale et al, 2007).

Couple this with the projection tha,t by 2030, America will have a 100,000 doctor shortage (Association of American Medical Colleges, 2017)—unable to meet the “demands” of the, now, 1 in 2 Americans who has a chronic disease (CDC, 2017) and, Houston…we have a problem!

I’ve been there, got the t-shirt.

The Scene: Healthcare & Current Insurance Inefficiencies

I had waited 3-months for the appointment with a local doctor in town.

Nothing unusual—as the “average” wait time to see a doctor nowadays—especially a specialist—is an average of 24-52 days (Merritt Hawkins, 2017). And, not for anything crazy—just an annual “Well Woman” check up.

So there I was in a conventional outpatient clinic, after 3-months of waiting to see the doctor, and here’s what went down under my conventional health insurance…

What Traditional Health Insurance DOES Cover

1. OVERBOOKED APPOINTMENTS:

Traffic was shut down to one lane on I-35 in Austin and I was running right on time to the appointment (not early). I called the office on my way to inform them of the situation, to which they said to still come in.I managed to park in the lot right at 8:35 a.m. and race upstairs for my 8:30 a.m. appointment.

Once checking in with the staff, she told me she’d have to call back to the doctor’s staff (which they had already done) to verify I could get “in.” 10-minutes later, confirmation was given—I could go back to the waiting room.

2. DISORGANIZATION:

However, before being released to the waiting room, ANOTHER hurdle…

Front Desk: “Oh wait a second..you can’t see the doctor, you have an HMO plan,” the front desk girl said.

Me: “My doctor faxed it over 3-months ago when I made the appointment.”

Front Desk: “You will need to fax it again if you want to keep the appointment,” the girl said.

(I quickly texted my doctor—one of my colleagues and now friends—and the situation was resolved).

3. A SYMPTOM-BASED APPROACH:

As I sat in the waiting room, I was asked to complete a one-page form.The only thing the form asked me about was…my symptoms, my brief health history (surgeries, family diseases), if I smoke or drank, and the date of my last period.

That’s it.

No exploration around my current diet, sleep habits, what work I had already done around my gut health, my health goals, my physical activity patterns, food intolerances and beyond.

4. CHRONIC DISEASE SYMPTOMS:

Initially, it only took about 15-minutes once I was in the waiting room to go back to the clinic room. The nurse was very nice and did her routine thing: blood pressure, weight check, heart rate and body temperature. She also asked me the SAME questions on my health form. She was shocked to hear how I had NO diseases whatsoever. My ONLY complaint was chronic constipation. (Apparently she was used to hearing ALOT more).

5. LONG 2-HOUR WAITS:

After our check in, the nurse left me be…for 2 hours.

At one point in my waiting, she actually asked if she could “pull me” out of my room for “about 10 minutes” to go back to the waiting room in order to see another patient.

So I went back to the waiting room where I waited another 45-minutes…

6. NO APPOINTMENTS:

I had booked a 10:30 am appointment with a client of mine—allotting for my 8:30 a.m. doctor visit that morning, thinking I’d have plenty of time in between. 10:20 a.m. rolled around and I was STILL in the waiting room. To say the least, I did not get seen, and the nurse told me she’d call back that evening to reschedule…which did not happen.

The Solution?: People Want to Take Their Health Into Their Own Hands

Many people are looking to take their health into their own hands—with at least 80% of all people seeking out advice on search engines like Google alone (Pew Research Center, 2013).

Others are looking for OTHER options (like holistic doctors, health coaches and functional medicine providers).

According to a report from the National Institute for Health in 2015 alone, researchers found that about 1 in 3 Americans were utilizing some sort of alternative or holistic care out of mainstream medicine (Stussman et al, 2015).

Fast forward to today, and there is no doubt that those numbers are consistent—if not more—with the job outlook for all allied healthcare providers expected to go up by 2026 according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics (including occupational therapy, physical therapy, personal fitness training, health coaching, life coaching, acupuncture, chiropractic care and naturopathic or functional medicine).

However, this doesn’t mean these alternative providers are always covered by health insurance.

A common question we as functional medicine practitioners are asked is:

Patient: “Do you take insurance?”

Functional Medicine Provider: To which we most often reply, “No.”

Although many holistic doctors and functional medicine practitioners CAN submit superbills, and SOME CAN reimburse partially for visits or lab testing, generally most holistic doctors and functional medicine practitioners are cash pay.

Why?!

Let me give you 7 reasons.

7 Reasons Why Insurance Doesn’t Cover Holistic Doctors & Functional Medicine

1. Insurance is NOT Patient-Centered.

Functional Medicine is patient-centered. Instead of focusing on numbers-centered or about getting more people in the door, wee typically take time to review your chart well before your appointment.

2. Insurance is NOT Big on Taking Time with Patients.

Functional Medicine takes time. We don’t rush to get you through our churn mill. Typically, you will spend 1-2 hours for your first appointment so your practitioner can truly get to know your story. The doctor will assess your health struggles and your goals.

3. Insurance is NOT Focused on the Whole Body.

Functional Medicine is a “Whole Body Medicine,” taking into consideration all aspects of your health and life. Those that contribute to how you feel and the presentation of disease. It’s different from an endocrinologist who just looks at your hormones and thyroid, an ENT doc who just looks at your ears, nose and throat, or a psychologist who just focuses on your mental health. Functional Medicine acknowledges a respect and awareness of how ALL body systems impact one another, including:

Gut Health

Brain Function

Hormone Health

Detoxification Pathways

Mindset/Mentality

Cardiovascular Health

Immunity

Thyroid & Metabolic Health

Mineral & Vitamin Status

4. Insurance Does NOT Address the Roots of Disease.

Functional Medicine does. Instead of looking to suppress or manage symptoms from the top down, we take a “bottom up” approach. We find and address the triggers and root causes of any disease or symptoms a patient is experiencing. These include bacterial overgrowth and SIBO (connected with skin conditions, chronic headaches, metabolic dysfunction, and GI disturbances), or cortisol imbalances (connected with insomnia, anxiety, blood sugar imbalances, and GI disturbances).

5. Insurance is NOT Focused on Prevention.

Functional Medicine focused on preventing disease, or further decline of health from happening by using laboratory reference ranges (blood work, urine, stool analysis, etc.) that reflect the progression of disease (in order to help reverse it early). We also integrate lifestyle medicine FIRST to support our clients health as a whole. Through a holistic care plan that includes nutrition, supplement, lifestyle healing and stress busting strategies, and physical activity.

6. Insurance Views Functional Medicine as “Quack” Medicine.

Contrary to popular belief, Functional Medicine isn’t about “woo woo” or “voo doo.” Functional Medicine acknowledges the latest in research to influence and support care. In fact, Functional Medicine is simply an approach to medicine. Healthcare says, “Hey guys, let’s address lifestyle factors FIRST and consider all aspects of health—not symptoms—before turning to medicines or negating other factors of our patients’ modern day lifestyles.”

Functional medicine acknowledges science, reason and research for modes of healing and treatment protocols. If anything, is a compliment to the ever-evolving research in traditional medicine.

For example, with the past 3 years of research on the gut microbiome alone (more than 8,000 studies in PubMed), we know that our gut health definitely influences other aspects of our health, including our mood and anxiety levels (Clapp et al, 2017), our metabolism (Boulange et al, 2016) and brain health (Li et al, 2017). In practice, Functional Medicine is more readily able to address gut healing for all types of conditions and diseases.

Another example: when TIME Magazine leaked the “big news” that the sugar industry paid off the FDA to hide evidence that sugar—not saturated fat—was the driver of all disease, Functional Medicine practitioners could further educate their patients as to why butter, bacon and egg yolks are NOT bad. Mainstream medicine on the other hand? Still preaching that saturated fat and high cholesterol are the number one drivers of heart disease. Nevertheless, insurance companies DON’T always look for the research on their own.

7. Insurance is Stuck in the Good Ol’ Days.

If you’ve ever simply tried to call or fax something to your insurance provider, you know the never-ending hold times. In addition, inefficiencies of modern day health care (seemingly stuck in 1961). Whereas, functional medicine is now integrating more and more tele-health, “biohacking” (alternative therapies and healing supports, like infrared saunas, hot-cold therapy, coffee enemas and herbal supplements), and high-tech EMR’s (medical record systems), Insurance still has you on a “brief hold”and is comfortable doing things they’ve always done.

Bio:

Dr. Lauryn Lax is a Doctor of Occupational Therapy, Nutritional Therapy Practitioner, Functional Medicine Practitioner, author and speaker, with over 20 years of clinical and personal experience specializing in gut health, intuitive eating, disordered eating, anxiety, hormone balance and women’s health. She’s based in Austin, Texas, and operates a virtual Nutrition & Functional Medicine practice, Thrive Wellness & Recovery, LLC, working with clients and patients around the world. In addition, Dr. Lauryn is a published journalist and speaker. Her works have been featured in Oxygen Magazine, Women’s Health, Paleo Magazine, Breaking Muscle, CrossFit Inc, USA Today, ABC and CBS News. Ultimately, she loves nothing more than helping others “quiet the noise” in the health food and fitness world.

The post 7 Reasons Why Insurance Won’t Pay for Functional Medicine appeared first on Meet Dr. Lauryn.

Source/Repost=> https://drlauryn.com/wellness-knowledge/insurance-wont-pay-functional-medicine/ ** Dr. Lauryn Lax __Nutrition. Therapy. Functional Medicine ** https://drlauryn.com/

#Holistic #Nutrition #Therapy #Recovery #Functional #Medicine #Dr. Lauryn Lax #Dr.Lauryn

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tinyfluffyshark · 6 years ago

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bored eh? the alphabet.

So here’s where I admit that I had the ask thing in a queue and have not been paying attention to my blog for a whiiiile so this was a little ominous out of context since my first reaction was “what did I post oh no…” XD

A. WHY MY LAST RELATIONSHIP ENDED. Massive communication failures x2. I will be as straightforward as humanly possible and have difficulty when other people can’t be equally clear.

B. FAVORITE BAND. If I say BTS someone will kick me so….. I listen to a lot of NateWantsToBattle, and VocaCircus, but not a lot of actual bands. Oh, the Vocaloid artist Kira!!!

C. WHO I LIKE AND WHY I LIKE THEM. I am not currently romantically interested in anyone, but I made two new friends in Psych and I like them because One has this cheerful happy outlook fresh out of high school (so different than mine) and is like what a teenager should be (not a complete damaged wreck), and the Other is really sweet, easy to talk to, and awkward and makes me feel really comfortable.

D. HARDEST THING I’VE EVER BEEN THROUGH. All of the years 2011-2017, with 2016 being the absolute worst. Picking the least personal details, I lost a lot of people, had some personal crises, and everyone I cared about was not having a good time, so the accumulation of stuff.

E. MY BEST FRIEND. @piabird obvs, sweet child please stop drinking so much cola I worry for you. But also one of my friends from high school (bc equally insane and morbid train of thoughts and also weird deep convos that always end in some stupid joke = the best kind of friendship.)

F. MY FAVOURITE MOVIE. I have watched the first Pokemon and Digimon movies more times than justifiable.

G. SEXUAL ORIENTATION. ACE!!!

H. DO I SMOKE/DRINK? Nope, I know people who do though and when they hug me I get headaches (I love them though)

I. HAVE ANY TATTOOS OR PIERCINGS? I WANT a tattoo but probably won’t, I’d never be able to decide on one. I have ten total piercings. Five helix (three on right ear two on the left) and five lobe (opposite distribution) I’d get a lip piercing but I would be killed ouo

J. WHAT I WANT TO BE WHEN I GET OLDER. A HERO!! Or a psychotherapist and some kind of emergency doctor.

K. RELATIONSHIP WITH MY PARENTS. Pretty Good; I love them and they try very hard and are mostly successful, I think, in raising me and my siblings. A little distance on my end but I don’t blame them.

L. ONE OF MY INSECURITIES. I’m really broken up inside my mind, so I feel like no one deserves to have to deal with that? I have a lot of opinions and a lot of controversial opinions, and most of me only makes sense to me, so I’d rather not inconvenience others by having them deal with me. Everything is zero and 100 with me, so I don’t see why people voluntarily subject themselves to my presence.

M. VIRGIN OR NOT? Yup

N. FAVOURITE PLACE TO SHOP AT? Walmart has food, art supplies, yarn, flowers, and video games, why would I go anywhere else?

O. MY EYE COLOUR. BROWN, we messed up our heterozygote lab so I’ll never know if I got my dad’s green hazel gene.

P. WHY I HATE SCHOOL. Sometimes the people stink, sometimes it’s the stress, sometimes I’m just not learning the parts I want to be learning. Sometimes your humanities Gen Ed course coupled with some fiction you were reading triggers an existential crisis. ^_^ it’s a lottery of fun and knowledge!

Q. RELATIONSHIP STATUS AS OF RIGHT NOW. Taken? Okay so I was gonna post about this later, and I know I said I don’t like anyone romantically, but either by this end of this year or beginning of next I’m getting engaged (I’m not being forced, I can and will say no if I feel like it). It is an arranged marriage but not the kind you’re thinking of. If everything works out I’m not getting married for another four years (He wants to graduate and I wanted four years so it worked out for us both). (I’ll be gross and spaz about him later)

R. FAVOURITE SONG AT THE MOMENT. Selfish by Heartbreaker, and Selfish REMIX by Kira!!!! I wish they could take the vocals from the remix and mix them with the music of the original.

S. A RANDOM FACT ABOUT MYSELF. I have a comically small cactus because my friend was trying to find something I wouldn’t pet (“if it smiles back it’s my friend and I can pet it.” “so I get you a cactus with googly eyes and a smile drawn on…” “…would you?”) I want a calico cat named Serenglitchity because I can’t get two named Glitch and Serendipity. And I cut my own hair whenever I get bored so I get some really weird and daring hairstyles accidentally. (Last time was a mullet! My cousin works with poodles and fixed it.)

T. AGE I GET MISTAKEN FOR. 16 (I’m 20)

U. WHERE I WANT TO BE RIGHT NOW. I’m currently in my bed this is a pretty happy place. At school, there’s this café connected to an outdoor study area and I sat in this spot that had me in the sunlight but by the door so cool air would blow over me, and it was nice. Very refreshing.

V. LAST TIME I CRIED. Wednesday. See insecurity and relationship status…

W. CONCERTS I’VE BEEN TO. The free kind at Canada Day. My favourite bands have played nearby and I’ve never gone but one day. One day.

X. WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF (…)? You didn’t specify but I can tell you now, the answer is laugh. I will laugh. No matter what it is, my reaction is always to laugh.

Y. DO YOU WANT TO GO TO COLLEGE. I’m at uni, but definitely, if I need a skill that’s offered at college I’ll go!! I like it here OuO

Z. HOW ARE YOU? RECOVERING FROM AN EXCRUCIATING HEADACHE WHILE STUDYING FOR EXAMS!!!! Feeling pretty good actually. Happy at least, not too stressed despite exams. And this was fun, honestly helped me relax a bit, thank you!

#personal #me #long post #ask #melodywanderer #i dont know how to tag before posting #qwq

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tiny-personal-university-thing · 7 years ago

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A Realistic Student's Guide to Surviving Finals

With finals rolling around - I'm sure we are all feeling the pressure. Here are just a few tips I hope will help you all during this stressful time in the semester.

Time Block Method ⏰

Find yourself a template online, here's one (x) or lay it out yourself. Block off times you know you will have time to study (you are home from class with no interruptions). You can get creative with it and use colors if you feel so inclined. This can just help you stay focused ahead of time. I'd say to go ahead and make it about a week or two out. It's similar to a 5 day study plan, but obviously will include all classes, time for meals, breaks, extra curricular activities, work, doctor's appointments, final projects, etc. Specify when you want to get things done.

Now, this technique doesn't work for everyone. Sometimes it doesn't even work for me because my schedule can get really crazy, and I just need to play it by ear. You know yourself best.

Pomodoro Technique 🍅

If time blocking one to two weeks in advance is not your style, you may find luck with the Pomodoro Technique.

You'll want to set a timer - perhaps on your phone (and then put your phone out of sight). Set the timer between 15-20 minutes during which you will work uninterrupted on your assignment/studying. Typically, when the timer goes off you will find that one of two things will occur: 1) you can work a couple more minutes and wrap things up or 2) you REALLY needed a break!

I actually love this method because when I sit down to study, I naturally feel a little drained after 20 minutes - so that's a good time to get up and stretch, send a quick text, check my social media real quick, or watch a short YouTube video. Whatever you need to do to decompress. Your prerogative.

Take It Slow 🐢

One chapter at a time. Don't overwhelm yourself by cramming 15 chapters worth of material in one sitting. Your brain is like an athlete - you don't want to overexert.

Create Your Own Study Guides📑

I always loved creating large study guides, complete with color-coded highlighting and diagrams. It's much easier to re-read notes that are written neatly (or even asthetically pleasing). Additionally, I've found that taking the time to highlight key material breaks up the monotony of taking copious amounts of notes.

Change of Scenery 🌻

If you find yourself restless while working in the same place you normally do - change it up. Go to a coffee shop, your school's library, a friend's place, or somewhere on campus. You might find that your motivation is rejuvenated.

Do The Task You are Dreading the Most F I R S T 🐸

Have a nasty, big research paper to write? Hate one subject in particular, and loathe studying it? Do it first. There’s a saying by Mark Twain, it goes something like “if the first thing you do in the morning is eat a live frog, you can go through the rest of the day knowing the worst is behind you.” Your worst task is the frog

Utilize a Study App. 📲

Personally, I love love love Quizlet. It's portable and easily accessible through your phone, laptop or tablet. So any moment you have some spare time you can pull up tried and true old Quizlet and have a little study sesh. Features included on Quizlet such as the "Match," "Test," and "Spell" functions can prove to be useful in a myriad of different classes.

I also hear Forest is great!

Something similar that I love (because you can get free stuff) is Pocket Points; however, you do need to have your location services on and you will need to be on your campus to obtain points. Again, it just rewards you for staying off of your phone for extended periods of time. I used PocketPoints all the time my freshman year to buy free tanning sessions before the tanning place wised up and realized they were losing a lot of money.

Try Teaching the Material to Another 👩‍🏫👨‍🏫

Your dog. Your mom. Your brother. Your best friend. Your boyfriend (even if he isn't really listening). Your classmate(s). Reiterating the material in your own words helps you retain it better.

If no one is around to listen (or you don't feel like you can bring yourself to make them sit through your tiny lecture) stand in the mirror and pretend like you are giving your own TedTalk over the subject. It works for Sims, doesn't it?

Don't Shy Away From Services Provided by Your Institution 📚

So tutoring centers, writing centers, office hours, peer mentors, etc. These services are typically free to you because you have already paid for them via your tuition. Basically, you won't be paying out of pocket and you might as well get your money's worth! Additionally, perhaps hearing a challenging concept explained to you differently by someone who is not your professor may help you figure it out.

Remember Your Handy Dandy Planner 📒

Planners are life and it is never too late to utilize one, or forge the habit of using one.

I wasn't always a die hard planner gal; however, this semester using my planner religiously has changed my life. You can always go paperless too, perhaps with an Outlook calendar or the calendar on your phone.

Rest 💤

Sleep is C R U C I A L.

Eat 🍴

Three square meals and two snacks. Feed your brain.

Stay Hydrated. 💧

This means water, folks. Man cannot survive on coffee alone.I think Jesus said that.

Don't Neglect Hygiene or Self Care 🛀

Warm showers, long baths (maybe one with bubbles or a bath bombs), a skin care routine, painting your nails, shaving, doing a face mask, washing your hair etc. can all help you decompress when the going gets tough.

Also showering and bathing? Self explanatory.

Take Breaks When You Need To🌙

Again, do not study to the point where you feel like you are about to crack. Let your brain breathe. Let your body breathe. Sit on your balcony for a few minutes. Talk to a friend. De-stress, not distress.

Try Epsom Salt Baths to Relieve Tension 🛁

Epsom salt baths are life changing. Choose your salts based on what you need; they can be both energizing (wake up) and relaxing (so you can fall asleep).

Personally, I like to stay in a hot tub until I break a sweat. While soaking I may pull up a YouTube video to get the ultimate detox effect. With this being said, there may be some of you with health concerns that limit your ability to do something like this. Again, know yourself.

Ask for Help When You Need It ❗

Whether it's regarding material, or you are struggling with depression, anxiety, or stress severe enough to cause you frequent headaches/stomachaches - ask for help. You will probably find dozens of people that will gladly help you however they can- they just had no idea you were struggling.

Take Advantage of Extra Credit Opportunities (aka Become A Point Whore) 🏫

This might give you a little extra cushion if every point matters for you.

Believe In Yourself and Remember That You Got This. ☀️

You have to believe that you are capable of doing this! You are intelligent enough, you are worthy enough, you are strong enough to do this.

If you feel like this semester may not go as well as you anticipated, and you need a 465% on the final to get a C in the class - talk to an advisor. Figure out a plan for the worst case scenario so that you are not left scrambling and freaking out after the semester is over.

Be honest with yourself about where you fell short this semester. How can you improve for next semester?

Remember that mistakes happen. We all fail sometimes. Failure is a part of the path to success, yes, but the only time you really fail is when you stop trying. So don't stop trying.

“Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again, this time more intelligently.” -H. Ford

More Specific Posts:

Night Before Your Exam Pt. I

Night Before Your Exam Pt. II

Day of Your Exam

If your final is an essay look here or here

Other Simple Study Methods

For Dead Day If You Want To Be Productive Without Studying

Academic Probation to the Dean’s List in One Semester is Totally Possible

To Remind You That You Are Not Alone - My {Formerly} Bad Student Story - Read if you struggle with chronic physical health and/or mental health + school

What are your favorite finals tips to study/stay focused/reduce stress? I encourage you all to comment and share what has worked best for you!

Happy studying, realistic students! Save the semester! 🌻☀️

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fallen029 · 6 years ago

Text

A Dragon’s Love.10: Denouement

Previous Chapter

There was once, when he was really young, that Orion could remember Mirajane telling him about her parents.

Not that she didn't after that. Because she did. But it was always in passing and hardly ever any real details.

No, most of his knowledge from that time came from a fuzzy memory of being five or six and waiting for her to tell him a bedtime story. Only, that night she was coming up with nothing. He'd heard about Edolas and Phantom. Knew everything about what preceded the seven-year lapse and the major events to follow. He'd heard everything.

So Mira went further into her memory bank and told him about something completely different.

"You know," she said softly as they snuggled up on his tiny mattress. "When I was your age, I wasn't even in Magnolia yet. I lived in this tiny village with your Aunt Lisanna and Uncle Elfman. And, of course, my mother and father too."

"Really?"

"Mmmhmm." She smiled softly about then, but whether it was at him or just from the thought alone he couldn't recall. Just that it was nice, like always. Comforting. "We lived in this little hut. Even smaller than our house. Everyone was always in someone's way, but…I'd never been happier than when I was there. Until you."

Then she probably snuggled him or something else silly and just so like her then before she continued.

He couldn't remember everything that she said, but he did know that she went on and on about how much fun she and her brother and sister used to have, when they were kids. That her mother would a tad stricter than her father, but that was okay, because they loved her all the same. And even when she was scolding them for something, their father would be making just as strong a case for them as to why they shouldn't be punished. He never liked to get them in trouble. He never would either.

"He was just so happy, you know," his mother whispered. "To have a family. To have us. He loved us. He spoiled us, too, but out of love. He didn't know any better. He'd grown up all by himself, with no one. So when he met my mother, that's the first thing he wanted. Children. I think if it had been up to him, I would have had a thousand other siblings, but then, it wasn't all his choice, was it?"

She told him, that night, all about how she used to love spending time with her father and that it was her mother that taught her how to cook. Oh, and that she must have spent every day playing with Elfman and Lisanna. They'd do everything together. They had an even stronger bond back then, if it was possible.

"But then," she mumbled eventually. "Papa got sick. Very sick. And we didn't catch it, whatever it was, but only because we weren't the ones taking care of him. My mother was. And when she got it, she just couldn't fight it like he was. She died within weeks. And without her…Papa never had a chance."

Orion remembered just laying there, staring up at her as his own mother's similar deep blues filled with tears at the memory. The woman cried at everything. From when he first said a word to the time she was able to sense all his latent magic ability, Mirajane was just a sobber. So watching her do so was never too big a deal for him. That time though, it made him feel odd. He was so young, but he knew a thing or two about comforting someone. She did it for him enough.

So he only reached up to wipe at her eyes, like she would do for him if the roles were reversed.

"Don't cry," he whispered as she sniffled a little. "It's okay. We don't gotta talk about it. We can go to sleep."

"Awe, Ori. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to get all sad." She snuggled him some more, probably. She liked to do that a lot when he was little. "I just…I was thinking about how my father would hate it."

"Hate what?" He was still just staring up at her then, about ready to fall asleep finally. "Mommy?"

"That I'm making you grow up all alone," she told him, her grin returning then. "He would probably scold me on it. That you deserve brothers and sisters and-"

"No."

"No?"

He'd seen the other kids in the guild, with their siblings and having to put up with them. Not to mention share their parents. He only had one at that! He couldn't risk something like that. Some other brat coming in, taking his toys, and his mother. It'd always just been him and Mira and he was fine with it staying that.

Other than, like, if his father suddenly came into the picture. Back then, he'd have been all for that. Of course, he probably didn't grasp that a man would only force him to share Mirajane as well, but the follies of youth and all.

"I don't want a brother or sister," he insisted as he stared at her, as if willing her to agree with him. "Okay?"

"Why not, Ori?"

Because she was his mother and his only. And what if she liked the new kid better than him? That wouldn't be any good. Not at all. He'd heard about parents having favorites and, while he couldn't see him not being Mira's, he also didn't want to take the risk.

Not that there weren't moments of weakness over his childhood where he wished that he had someone to play with, someone to gripe with, or even someone to fight with. He'd never really gotten along well with the other kids and never had a close friend. Though there was no guarantee that a sibling would provide such a thing for him, it was a haunting thought at times.

Then, at the age of eighteen, the worst happened.

Mira finally got that coveted second child.

There was a lot preceding it, of course, and none of it had been pleasant for Orion. Mira gave him an option, not soon after he returned from his first ever S-Class job. She and Laxus, apparently, were rekindling their relationship, but only at his discretion.

"I'm not putting pressure on you," she was quick to tell him. "Honest, Ori. If this makes you uncomfortable, that's fine. Believe me; this isn't really that big of a deal to me. I've been fine without Laxus. And I can tell that this bothers you, so, you know what? We just won't. Okay?"

And that was okay with him. He didn't want his mother having anything to do with Laxus, really. From that point forth, he figured that he would go ahead and make it his own personal mission to keep them apart. It went pretty well for a month or two.

Until his mother got sick.

At first, he didn't notice it much. He was taking jobs then and she was working so much up at the guild that they missed one another a lot and only got glimpses of each other. But the few down times he had at the house, he picked up on her fatigue. His mother was always tired, of course, but it seemed more and more like she couldn't get out of bed. And constantly she would mention her headaches and how none of the pills she was taking were helping anything.

His Aunt Lisanna suggested she go to the doctor, but Mira didn't seem to want to. He wondered later if it was because she knew. Or at least suspected and was fearful of finding out the truth. Of admitting the truth.

He was out of town on a job when she collapsed up at the guildhall. From what he heard, Laxus was there and, when she came too, he personally took her to see a doctor, claiming that he wouldn't allow her to work again until she went.

Orion arrived back in Magnolia to find him mother claiming that she was fine and the doctors were just being overly cautious and that he had nothing to worry about.

Everyone else didn't seem to have that same outlook.

It was the catalyst for him and Laxus finally speaking again, as it was. They'd both avoided one another since Orion had told Mirajane that he did not, under any circumstance, want her to date (or whatever they did) Laxus again. It had pissed Laxus off and try many times to get Orion alone, demanding to speak with him, but the boy had always kept his distance and, well, for Orion things had been going great on that side.

Laxus? Not so much.

It aggravated him that Mira was just going to let Orion decide their lives for them. Not that the boy's opinions didn't matter to him, but for him to just flat out decide to not give Laxus a chance ruined everything. He was ready to come and, not necessarily parent the boy as he was sure Orion would reject that, but definitely go back to that role model staple he'd been in his life for years. He wanted to show him that it hadn't been that he didn't want him, but rather that he did want him and Mira that kept him from revealing the truth to him.

But Mirajane shut that down. Told him not to speak with Orion about the curse or, really, anything until the boy was ready to forgive him. From Laxus point of view, that was lunacy. Orion was still just a teenager. Fine, he had the freedoms of an adult in some aspects, but that didn't mean that he was ready to make all the decisions in life. Laxus was certain that if Mira just forced him to accept them, then, eventually, he wouldn't know any better. He'd see Laxus as his father and everything would be great.

Only, they didn't get a chance to try that out. Because with Mirajane's sickness, Laxus decided it was time to supersede her and tell Orion the truth. Explain things to him. After all, if she did end up passing and it was just the two of them left, he wanted to have the boy back on his side and not lost forever.

When Orion arrived to find her sick though, the last thing he wanted to do was be away from his mother. So it wasn't easy for Laxus to corner him alone, but eventually, with the help of Ever, he managed.

Orion had shown up at his aunt and uncle's place planning on meeting with the woman. She'd requested he come over and help her move around some furniture or something. He wasn't sure why Elfman wouldn't be better suited for that and, when he got there, he found it was because there was no heavy lifting involved. Just a deadbeat that he wanted nothing to do with.

"Orion," Laxus tried when, upon entering through the backdoor, the teen found him there and tried to turn right back around. "Don't-"

"Hey." Ever was there too, standing near the backdoor, and moved to grab him by the arm and drag him in. He could have fought her, of course, but he was never one to openly be disobedient towards his aunts. "You two need to talk about this. Come here. Sit down."

"No. I-"

"Now."

She drug him over to the kitchen table then as he only called out for his uncle to help him.

"Elfman's at the hall," she said simply as she forced him into a chair. "Now stay. The two of you have a lot to discuss."

"Traitor," he hissed at her as she headed out of the room. That got her to freeze, if only for a moment, but not turn back to get him.

He was left alone with his father.

"You can leave," Laxus was quick to say as the boy glared over at the backdoor. "But I just want to tell you something first. And it won't fix anything and it won't absolve anything, but-"

"What?" Orion hissed. "You gonna tell me about some other bastard you have or something?"

"No," Laxus said slowly. "And you really shouldn't call yourself-"

"What?" he insisted. "What do you-"

"I know why your mother's sick," the man told him. "And I…I know why she won't get better."

That was the first Orion had heard of the curse and, of course, his first reaction was pure hatred. Of Laxus. That he would let something so stupid be the thing that separated them. He was right about one thing though. It didn't absolve him of anything.

For some reason though and, he couldn't quite understand it, Orion felt pretty dang upset with his mother too. Extremely upset. And it culminated as, after leaving Ever's house following him chewing Laxus out again (the man managed to just sit there and take it), he went home to where his mother was resting in her room, bypassing his Aunt Lisanna's request that he leave her be and went in there to yell at her a little too.

But he couldn't. When he got in there and found her looking less than well, he couldn't yell at her. Only fall into bed with her and let her stroke his hair.

"What's wrong?" she asked after a moment or two and he only sniffled. "Ori? Did someone say something? Was it Lisanna? I told her that I'm fine, but she keeps insisting-"

"You wouldn't tell me who my father was because of a curse?" He lifted his head from where it was resting on the mattress, just to say that. "Really?"

Her face then became contorted, just from his question alone. "Who told you about-"

"It's true then?" he asked. Though he was still a little ticked at Evergreen, he didn't want to get her in trouble.

"No. I mean, well, yes, but I don't believe in the curse. I just-"

"So something that you don't even believe in made you-"

"It didn't matter what I believed, Orion," she insisted as she frowned at him. "Laxus believes in it. And the Master did too. They-"

"So they made you not tell me? All the times that you had a chance to, but they made you-"

"No," she sighed. "But Laxus believes so completely in it that I… I decided that if he didn't want you to know, then he didn't have a right to you. I didn't want him around then. I-"

"Then why did you let him be around?"

"Orion, it's not-"

"And what about my rights? Or what I deserve? Or does that not matter to you?"

"Of course it does. Ori, listen to me. Do you think that if the option was available to have someone care for you with me, to not be alone all the time, to have someone that had to wake up in the middle of the night to care for you, I wouldn't have taken it? Because I would have. But if I told you that Laxus was your father, he'd have only denied it. He told me as much. He thought that the only way to keep me safe was to keep you from knowing. He honestly still believes that. If it wasn't for Makarov-"

"Is it?"

"Is what?"

"Is the reason you're sick…because of me?"

She was quick to sit up then. "Orion, of course not. Don't even say that."

"But it's true, isn't it? You're sick because I-"

"I am not." And even though she wasn't much up for anything that day, she moved to take his cheeks in her hands and press a few kisses to his head. "You," she added, "have nothing to do with that. Is that what they told you? Who was it? Was it Laxus?"

Slowly, he nodded as her eyes grew darker. "He said that he had to tell me. So I knew. So that-"

"It's complete and utter bull, Orion." And that was the closest his mother usually came to using profanity around him. "So don't believe it."

"But you're sick."

"I am not."

"Mom-"

"I'm not." And she sounded like she believed it. He, however, wasn't convinced. "I'm fine. And I'm going to keep being fine for a long time. So don't think otherwise."

"Where are you going?" he asked then as, after pressing one last kiss to his forehead, she moved to get out of bed. "Mom?"

"I have a certain guild master to go see."

He asked her not to, told her that she shouldn't be out of bed, but she ignored him and Lisanna when she heard of the plan. Mira was on a mission then and, honestly, Orion was just glad he wasn't on the receiving end of her rage.

His mother didn't get better though, despite her insistence otherwise. She had days where she was fine and even able to go into work, but then she had others where getting out of bed was impossible and there was no way she honestly still believed she was as fine as she claimed.

It was horrible. But not as horrible as swallowing his resentment and anger when he told her that he wanted her to be happy and, if Laxus was that happiness, then he was fine with that. He'd listened to the doctors, even though she refused to.

Mira didn't have long.

And, apparently, his mother and Laxus did love one another. He didn't understand it, didn't want to, really, but also didn't want her to be alone. She clearly didn't want to be alone and, well, it wasn't fair of him to force her to stay that way. He could, at times, justify in his own mind that it wasn't fair for the two of them to be together, not after wrecking his life so terribly. They didn't deserve to be happy. Not if he couldn't be.

But then he'd remember how much he loved his mother and, honestly, deep down still revered Laxus and there just wasn't any way that he could do that to them. Not just to her, but them. Laxus, though Orion hated to say it, hadn't been all that bad since thee revelation came out. He annoyed the hell out of him, trying to talk to him constantly, but mostly the man seemed more concerned with Mirajane. Making sure that she took breaks, if she ate, did she want someone to go with her to her doctor's visit, what about dinner? Was there someone to make her dinner? Because she wasn't well enough to do it. He'd make it if he had to. Did she want him to?

It was never-ending. The man was honestly worried about Mirajane. Orion couldn't hate him for it. He tried. Really, he did. Grumbled about how if he cared so much, he wouldn't have been so absentee in their lives for so long.

That was the thing though. The one hang up. He hadn't been. At all. He'd been around Orion since he could remember. And, if his words were true, been paying his mother jewels the entire time to help with bills and toys and whatever else the boy wanted. Imagine his surprise when his mother told him that, actually, that nice, shiny red bike he'd wanted when he was seven was bought with the jewels Laxus had given her purely for that reason.

Not to mention the fact that the man, apparently, was only out of his mother's life in tiny intervals. They were routinely together behind his back for years. So there was no way to say that the relationship was dead or even that Laxus had neglected it.

They were together. His parents were. He was pretty sure most people would be excited about that, but he just couldn't force himself to be. He was angry. He was upset. He was confused. He was hurt. But he wasn't happy. And he couldn't fake it. Not even for his mother.

She didn't want to take him up on his suggestion at first, that she and Laxus try dating. She only told him that she had much more important things on her mind then and that she knew that it still made him uncomfortable, regardless of his insistence otherwise.

So it took a lot more sucking up of pride when Orion went to Laxus personally one day at the guildhall and spoke to him.

The Master was filling out some forms at a table, off by himself, and didn't seem to be in too good a mood. It was usually rather easy to judge whether he was or not. If he was, then he'd have the Thunder Legion hanging off him or would sit up at the bar, where he could talk to Mirajane. That day, Mira was sick at home and, though Evergreen was around, Laxus sat alone.

Orion didn't know why, but he felt a tightness in his chest as he approached his master and it only grew as he came to a stop in front of the table, his heavy boots thudding loudly before they got there. There was no way that Laxus didn't know someone was coming over to him and, slowly, the man looked up.

They just stared at one another for a moment and Orion hated that tug he felt. The one he always felt. His idol was disgraced, fine, but for so long he'd been held in such a high esteem that it was hard to see him otherwise.

"Yes?" Laxus finally prompted when Orion only stared him. "Did you need something?"

He felt like a child again, addressing an unapproachable man. His hero. Needless to say, Orion's throat felt as if it was housing his stomach.

"You can date my mom."

That's not what he wanted to say. At all. But just talking to the man was unfeasible and, really, that would have been the gist of what he wanted to say. He just wished that it had been said in a much less childish way.

"What?" Laxus was understandably confused. "Orion-"

"You just can," he insisted before turning away. "But you better do it right if you're going to. Because I'm S-Class now too. And I could take your ass out if I wanted."

There. The end was a little better (not by much). Laxus didn't try and stop him either from walking off. Just let him go. And, not a week and a half later, Mira asked him if he was really okay with it before she went off on her first date with Laxus.

And man if he didn't have to bite his tongue. A lot. As the dates shifted from weekly to nearly every night, maybe with a day or so in between, it was like Orion couldn't escape his parents love. Laxus started buying her gifts not soon after that. And, of course, somehow figured it was a good idea to buy Orion things as well.

It was not.

If there was anything that Orion picked up from the man, it was his stubbornness. He refused to use, look at, or even ride (the guy bought a motorcycle, claiming it was for himself, but left it parked over at Mira's and hinted at Orion frequently he could borrow it) anything that came from his father. He couldn't be bought.

That didn't stop Laxus from giving him things. And, even though the teen wasn't around much, off on jobs or visiting his girlfriend, the influx of gifts never ceased. Laxus would just leave things in his bedroom. And, when Orion complained to Mirajane that that was an invasion of privacy and there was no way that Laxus should be allowed access to his room, the man just started leaving the gifts on the kitchen table, or in front of his bedroom door.

Laxus was nothing if not persistent. He seemed determined to at least make Orion acknowledge him, but he refused. He couldn't.

He wouldn't.

Time went on. Mirajane didn't seem to be getting any better and, after around seven moths of dating, Laxus went to Orion and told him that he wanted to ask Mirajane to marry him.

He about hit the man. Really, he did. What did he want him to do with that information? Huh? What could he do with it? He hated Laxus. He blamed Laxus for ruining everything. And his mother wasn't well enough for such a thing anyways.

But Laxus insisted that that last one was why he wanted to do it. She'd never made it clear to him, fine, but she did want to be married. She always had. It was one of the things that she'd dreamed about forever. And Laxus let it slip also that she wanted to have another child and was fearful of what Orion would think.

Which, by the way, Orion wouldn't care about. Not really. Had it been with anyone else. Some other guy who, maybe, he grew to respect or at least like and that treated her well (like Laxus was) and that there was no animosity towards. If that was what Mirajane wanted then how could he complain? She'd given up years raising him alone. All by herself. If she wanted to be married and happy and have another kid, he didn't take it as an insult at him. He knew that she loved him. It was just her going after what most people did. A happy family.

But Laxus? Seriously? The man that had shattered that chance before? Over a curse? A damn curse?

Orion didn't want to tell him okay. He could tell that's what Laxus wanted and, really, he didn't want to give anything to the man. But once again, taking away from his father would only result in hurting his mother. And, after holding out for awhile, he had no choice, but to cave.

It wasn't like a ring and a ceremony would make things any different. Laxus was already staying the night. Mira had run that by him first too. He knew, of course, that she and Laxus were sleeping together. She'd been staying over at his apartment before the first time she asked if it would bother him, Laxus coming around the house, and though it annoyed and disgusted him, he only shrugged at the question. What else could he do?

Mira was very courteous to him though. Of course. She never had Laxus over when he was around. Or at least tried not to. He would only spend the night if Orion was out on a job though, more than once, he'd come home to find the man's jacket or boots somewhere in the living room which made him gag before rushing to his own room to throw the covers over his head and hope that Laxus just left in the morning.

He never did. They almost always had some sort of run-in when daybreak came. Either Orion would be leaving the shower at the same time Laxus was coming out of Mira's room or they'd both somehow end up in the kitchen, looking for something to eat. It was horribly awkward, especially because Laxus was intent on making small talk with him during those times and just…ugh. It was hell. Torture. Unadulterated.

To make matters worse, after the engagement, Laxus and Mira decided it was time to tackle living together. As he understood it, the two of them never had and, though Mira asked him first, again, it was impossible to make a complaint. How could he? He was trying more and more to just not be at the house, but that also was keeping him further and further away from his mother. It was impossible to balance.

Add on top of that that Laxus had, at some point, told Mirajane that Orion was seeing some girl in some other town and, well, there was just no way to be around the house. Mira was always asking about her and wanting to meet her and getting on his nerves with her extremely personal and gauche questions that, sure, as his parent she probably had a right to know, but that she couldn't bring herself to ask directly and he didn't ever feel much up for answering.

Not that things were easy on that front either. It wasn't long after Mirajane and Laxus' wedding that Orion just got so hard to deal with (he was never in a good mood, hardly came around, and when he did, he just wanted to rant about his father), that he finally got broken up with. As if he needed another problem in his life.

He got to a point where he didn't even want to go home. He just took jobs constantly, only staying in Magnolia long enough to check in with Mirajane and, maybe, Erza or one of his aunts. He didn't care about much else.

Mirajane only got worse, it seemed, as time progressed. There was no cure for her ailments and, eventually, she'd only manage to go down to the hall once or twice a week. She mostly just stayed home, miserable and alone. Orion was gone on jobs and Laxus had to go to the hall. He was the Master.

She finally had both her boys, but she couldn't ever find time to be with either of them. It was maddening.

Orion figured that was why she was so excited when she got pregnant some months later. And it was. Partially. Of course a big part of it was that she'd always wanted to have another child, but the idea of having something to do during the day was great. Laxus didn't seem to think the same way though.

They'd argued over even trying for another child, before he proposed. He claimed that the curse was already in effect (bleh) and that having another baby might speed things along. She only told him that if what he was saying was true and she was cursed, it wouldn't be getting any better. And she wanted another baby. She always had. If he couldn't' give that to her, then what was the point of toying around with one another?

She got her way, of course, in the end, but did hate to admit that he had been right about something. The pregnancy weakened her. A lot. Not that she would say it had anything to do with the curse, but really the cause didn't matter. Being pregnant on top of having her energy drained constantly to begin with wasn't easy. And those final months had been unbearable. Mira just had to keep reminding herself of the end result that she desired so much to keep her spirits high.

Laxus tried to gather enthusiasm as well. It wasn't easy. Orion's resistance to him was still bothering the man deeply. He wasn't sure how he could deal with another child, a baby at that, when he couldn't even get his other one to talk to him. Look at him. Acknowledge his presence. How could he possibly keep a baby under control with that on his plate?

Not to mention, he hated seeing Mira the way she was. She was clearly sick and the pregnancy hadn't helped anything. There was nothing he could do, of course, but hope for the best. He tried a thousand things, spells, chants, whatever to get rid of the curse. But to no avail.

Mira was leaving him. He just knew it. All he could hope for was that he had her for another year or so and that his baby was healthy. With Mirajane refusing the validity of the curse and calling it poor coincidence that she was sick at the same time Orion found out, there wasn't much else Laxus could do for her. He felt helpless. And hopeless.

And then his daughter was born. Not that it brought any of the attention off the fact that Mirajane was only continuing to get worse or that Orion was even more distant, but it was definitely a silver lining in all of it. She was so perfect. She exhausted him, honestly, as Mirajane was frequently too tired or sickly to deal with her, and though Lisanna and the Thunder Legion were over frequently, late nights were left for him.

Mirajane tried hard to help out though. She wanted to do everything she could. After all, she knew for certain that it would be her last child and, well, that made everything that much more special.

And, in the back of her mind, though she was stark against the idea of a curse being the cause of her ailment, she knew that her time was short. It had been for awhile. She didn't know how much longer she had and every moment she did she wanted spent with her baby. And Orion, when he was around.

The weaker she got, the more he was. Mirajane could tell though that that wasn't any fun for him. He was young. It wasn't fair to waste his youth on sitting around the house with her, recanting old stories and memories, forcing him to help her tend to his younger sister. She didn't want him to resent any missed opportunities because of her.

He felt the exact opposite. He could tell, even though he didn't like to think about it, that the time was short. Orion loved his mother and the worst part of it all was watching her deteriorate. Maybe even worse than knowing that he caused it.

Not that he liked the idea of a curse, but it wasn't like he could escape it either. Since Laxus planted it in his brain, it had only festered. Of course, he could never be for certain, but what in life was?

It had been such an insurmountable loss, losing the Master the way he had, but his mother… He couldn't even fathom it. She was all he had. She'd always been all he had.

But she was insistent that that wasn't true. He had his aunts and uncle and all of Fairy Tail, really. And, she was always quick to say, he'd always have Laxus. He might not want him, he might never again, but he was always there.

"One day, Ori," she'd whisper to him when they were alone. "You'll wish that you gave him a second chance. He never did any of this to hurt you. He couldn't even stay away from you. Even now he can't. Please, the only thing I want now is for the two of you to come together. To be together. Please."

"Don't talk like that," he'd grumbled back. "The only thing you want. You have a thousand wants. And you have years to get them all done. So don't say otherwise."

But she didn't. And, when Mirajane reached the pinnacle of her sickness, Orion could hardly stand to see her. At the same time, however, he couldn't stand to leave her. He was certain that most everyone felt that way. All of her friends visited frequently and her siblings hardly ever left the house. Laxus, well, he was just as stoic as ever, but Mira told Orion that was because he was hurt. Crushed. He felt like he'd caused it all.

"He did," Orion hissed under his breath once. "He- Hey!"

He was sitting at her bedside as his younger sister sat in their mother's lap, but that didn't stop Mirajane from reaching over and slapping his cheek, if only slightly.

"Don't say that," she told him harshly with a frown. It was hard to even stare her in the eyes anymore. If she'd been pale her entire life, she was almost ghastly then. And she couldn't keep any weight on. She hadn't been eating right in months. He couldn't fight with her at that point. He hadn't been able to in a long time. "Don't ever say that."

"But it's true," he insisted. "If he didn't then, well, I did."

"You've never done anything," she told him then. "I promise you. You've only ever made my life better. I love you."

And he hated it, every time she told him that because all he could do was worry that it would be the last time. Every time they talked he worried that it would be the last time. He didn't want any last times. He wanted forever.

But no one was granted that.

It finally came, not soon after that. His mother's passing. He hadn't cried that openly over something in years. It wasn't fair. How could you only ever have one person there for you your entire life and then lose them? What was he supposed to do?

What were any of them supposed to do?

He couldn't be in the house after that. Even though it had been his home since he was born, he couldn't stand the thought of staying in it. After all, with his mother gone, it didn't belong to the Strauss family anymore. It belonged to the Dreyars. Laxus and his sister. He wasn't one of them. And he refused to ever be associated with them.

He went to stay with Erza. She was nice enough. She'd let him stay there since the funeral and then afterwards. In her own weird, straight-forward way, she was very comforting. He could tell that all she wanted was for him to feel better, but he didn't think he ever would again.

It had been so horrible. Her funeral. He was supposed to stand with Laxus, but he couldn't. He couldn't be with any of them. He was mad at everyone. And it was worse than when Makarov had died because his mom wasn't there to explain it all away. Make it all better.

He'd been wrong before. He wasn't alone when the Master left him. But he was then. He figured he'd better just get used to it. Solitude. He'd be stuck in it for the rest of his life.

Not that Laxus felt any better. For something that he'd been avoiding, something he'd known was coming for years, Mira's death blindsided him. As if something had been taken from him and all he could do was watch it happen from behind glass.

There was the guild, for one, that he still had to run. And then there was Orion who, no matter how much he wasn't, felt orphaned and alone. Then, of course, there was his one-year-old daughter who just…cried constantly. He couldn't get away from it. Had she always been that loud? Or had he just not been listening before?

It felt selfish then. All of it did. Having Orion for starters, but then going back and having another child that he'd known would just be motherless in the end. It felt like he and Mira had only been thinking of themselves. And hadn't they? What was Laxus supposed to do with a child, all by himself? When he felt broken to begin with?

Lisanna kept the baby that first week as Laxus just laid around the house, not doing much. All those years of watching Mirajane raise Orion alone, he'd felt…cold. Alienated. But he hadn't been at all. He'd gotten the demon and the boy and everything had been perfect.

Why had he ever tried to have more? Now he really was alone. He didn't know the boy at all anymore and his daughter, well, what was he supposed to do? Mira had cut and run, but he was still there, with an unwinnable situation. How could he handle it all alone?

But then he reminded himself that that was exactly how Mira had felt, all those years. She'd been alone. Sidelined. But she'd figured it all out. He just had to figure it out. That was all.

Orion, however, was figuring a way out. He didn't want to be in Fairy Tail anymore. He didn't want Magnolia or his aunts or his uncle or anyone else. What had they done for him? Huh? Or his mother? He hated them all. More than he ever had before. They'd seen where everything was heading and had never stopped it.

Worst of all, it entered his mind at times that his mother was just as guilty. And wasn't she? Had she not ever pictured where things with Laxus would get them? Curse or no curse, she'd been the one to bring Orion into the world only to completely fuck his life up. And for what? Some stupid guy?

He hated her. He really did. Sometimes. When it was dark and he wanted her to sing to him or tell him a story or just that it would be okay. That's what everyone kept saying. That it would be okay.

But it wouldn't be. How could it be? When your entire life was shattered for, really, no reason at all?

By the third week, Erza told him that he should take a job.

"Not a hard one," she said as he sat at the kitchen table, head rested on it while he stared blankly at the plate of eggs she'd sat in front of him. "Just something to take your mind off things."

There wasn't a job big enough to take his mind off what he was going through. He had no friends, he had no mother, he didn't want the family he did have.

What was left? He'd accomplished his dream early, of being S-Class. He had no other aspirations. Though killing Laxus sounded nice, he'd never see that coming to fruition.

The only thing left for him in Magnolia, really, was his mother. Or at least a promise he'd made to her. He said that he'd always take care of his sister. She'd about cried to him that that was all she wanted from him. That and to be happy. Those two things. That even if it didn't work out with him and Laxus, even if they couldn't at least become friends, then she wanted him to at least love his sister. To take care of her.

And what could he say? Huh? Other than yes? Swear to it. He couldn't break the final promise he made with his mother, could he?

It wasn't fair. None of it was, of course, but that in particular. That she just got to leave all those expectations on him. He hadn't asked for a sister. He didn't want one. He didn't want a family. Not without her. How could he? She'd been his world for years. Forever. Now he was supposed to just forget her and move on? Stay in the same damn place that he'd seen her everyday, so that he could be haunted by her memory constantly?

The whole thing felt cruel. Like a sick, cruel joke. Everything he ever asked for, a father, Laxus, S-Class, all coming on him at once only for the most important thing in the world be taken from him as retribution. Equal carnage for the bitter rewards he'd reaped.

What had he ever done then? Huh? To life? That it would treat him that way? That it hated him so much? What?

He couldn't take it anymore. By the middle of the third week, he decided to just go. He didn't want to be there anymore. He didn't want to be anywhere near Magnolia. His mother's wishes be damned. He couldn't stand Laxus, he didn't want a sister, and hell, if she wasn't there, he didn't want any his family. It was an all or nothing deal.

Facing Erza though was a no go. He couldn't imagine telling her that he was leaving Fairy Tail. That she'd spent all that time training him so that he could just run for the hills when it got hard. That the thing that she loved more than anything was just a caustic sore in his mind that had caused him nothing, but pain.

That she'd failed. That they'd all failed. He couldn't handle other people. He wasn't any good at it. He wasn't his mother. And that he couldn't stand to think about her anymore.

So he left in the middle of the night. Packed up the few things he'd taken over to her place and set out. He never wanted to see that town again. And he never planned to. He'd go far. Maybe a whole other country. Never look back. The past was dead. He could survive on his own.

What other choice did he have?

But he couldn't just leave without seeing her one more time. Or, rather, going to her grave. His mother's. And the Master's. He had to see them. Just one more time. Tell them goodbye.

They were the only ones that deserved it.

The graveyard, understandably, was empty when he got there. It felt eerie too, though he was nearly certain that it had less to do with the dead and more to do with the church looming in the background.

Master's grave was where he went first. He wasn't sure what to say. A few years had passed since the man's death and he'd come to grips in with it along the way. Still, he only rested a hand over the stone and mumbled a prayer for his soul before moving onto his mother's.

He hated it too. Seeing it. Just the sight of the name Dreyar on the end of her name pissed him off. Because she wasn't one. She wasn't! She was a Strauss and so was he and they always had been and why would she ever let them think differently?

What had Laxus given them? Other than turmoil? Nothing! He was just a jerk. A pompous, idiotic jerk who bought his own rhetoric about how great he was. He was one of those damn slayers. Those stupid, cocky slayers with their damn kids that were never nice to Orion, why? What was so wrong with him, huh? What was so bad about him that no one ever wanted him? That no one ever wanted to be around him? Was he that horrible? That even his father didn't want him? And his mother would choose the man over him?

Was he?

Orion hadn't realized it until he felt the soft grass beneath his knees that he'd fallen to them. That he was sobbing. Again. He should have been out of tears by then. Why wasn't he out of tears? He felt so foolish, out there in the open, in the middle of the night, crying over his mother's grave.

He felt weak. And alone. But hadn't he always been? Weak? And alone? Why should then feel any different?

Somehow he lost hours out there. Just sobbing and mourning and feeling sorry for himself. It was pathetic. Something he'd look down on someone else for. Pity someone else for. But there he was doing it. Living it. He was worthless. He was utterly worthless.

No wonder Laxus had never wanted him.

And that was how he found himself, sitting there in the desolate place, not even with his mother's spirit it felt like, just completely isolated from the rest of the world, recalling a thousand memories as they flashed before his eyes. From his mother's smile to what she'd looked like in her casket, all intermingled with thoughts about Laxus and how, no matter what he said, it still hurt, it would always hurt, or that he wanted his aunts to know that even though he was leaving, even though he thought he'd hated them, he couldn't. He never would. Or his Uncle Elf. And Bickslow'd taught him a lot. Did he remember all he'd passed on to him? Because Orion did. He remembered it all. What about Erza? Did she get that she'd been put on the same shelf as his mother? That he loved her just as much? That she meant just as much? And what about the way that his sister would never know him, but what did Orion care? Huh? What difference did it make? What was she to him, but just another way that Laxus had taken his mother from him?

It was a shock to him, when the sun came up. He'd watched it, of course, the sky turn from it's darkness to light blues and then reds.

That, however, wasn't what disturbed him.

"What are you doing out here?"

It was Radic, actually. The older teen was out there, arms full of what looked like gardening supplies, standing over Orion. He only blinked up at him, eyes still filled with tears.

He hadn't seen the other teen recently other than at the funeral. Since the Master's, they'd both steered clear of one another. Radic was around less even than Orion. Honestly, as he was sitting there on his knees, it hit Orion that Radic probably wasn't even a teen anymore. He'd probably finally hit twenty. At least.

And they only stared at one another for a few minutes. Radic's red eyes dead as they stared at the overly emotional blues that Orion was sporting. Time seemed just as frozen for the younger of the two as it had the whole night.

"It's honestly sorry," Radic said after awhile. "That you're still out here crying over her."

Orion couldn't breathe. He didn't know what to do. He wanted to kill him. Murder him. And what better place? But he could only sit and stare.

"She's dead, dumbass." And then he was dropping those gardening supplies. "You think that she'd want you to sit out here for the rest of forever? Huh?"

The most astounding thing he did though was hold a hand out to Orion then. It had to be for the first time in their entire lives. For a moment, Orion wasn't going to take it. Then something crossed his mind, if only for a moment.

It's just a hand.

Slowly, he reached out. And, when he did, Radic only held him in a vice like grip before pulling him stumbling to his feet.

"You should go home," the older of the two said after they stood there for a moment or so, awkwardly. "You-"

"I can't." And he hated it, the way his voice broke. But Orion couldn't help it. Hell, if he could, there's no way he wouldn't have. "I just can't."

"Of course you can," Radic grumbled then, still just staring him in the eyes. They hadn't had that much eye contact in, really, ever. "If you can sit around in a dank cemetery, I'm sure you can brave your own house."

When Orion shook his head, Radic only looked off and sighed. It was clear that he just didn't know what to do with the other guy. That was all. Radic didn't care about him. Of course not. Orion wasn't foolish enough to think that. But it was just like it'd been that day when he was sitting on the cot and Orion had the upper hand. No matter how cutthroat they were with one another, how ruthless, when it was over, it was over.

And it was over.

"Look," the dark headed one tried once more. "Your old man ain't doin' so well. And I get that you hate him. I hate mine. But if he was in as bad a shape as yours was, I'd at least go be around him some. I mean, what do you have left?"

Orion just stared for a moment before saying, "What difference does it make to you?"

"Well, for one, I ain't exactly his favorite person over at the hall," he pointed out. "And I don't think I'll be yours. He starts gettin' these crazy ideas in his head about havin' you like him and kicks me out to help that along, I don't think my pops'll be too happy with me."

"He's an asshole."

"Yeah." Radic even nodded. "But it don't stop you none from wanting to please him, does it? Least it never has me."

And, with that, Radic held out his hand again. That time though, it was just to reach over and punch the other boy in the arm. It stung. He hadn't held back. Then again, he never had.

"Come on," he said as he turned then to walk off. "I gotta head down that way anyways."

That was a lie. There was no way that it wasn't. Radic had clearly been heading to the cemetery to do maintenance or something. He'd have no reason to leave.

But he walked with Orion across town anyways. And it made no sense. Any of it. Did the other guy feel…pity? Or had he changed? Granted, they'd never been close and even less so over the past few years, but change just didn't seem to be something he went for so easily.

And it wasn't. As they went along, Radic grumbled out over the silence what exactly he was doing out in the cemetery.

It was community service of sorts. He'd had a rough couple of two years as well, it seemed. His temperament out on jobs had not been appreciated by local villages and they'd written to the guild. That on top of some property damage he'd done around Magnolia left the Master with a very stern warning. Shape up or ship out.

For some reason, Radic didn't seem to like the latter.

Orion always figured he'd do better with another guild, perhaps even a dark one, where his violent tendencies would be appreciated, but Radic didn't seem to see it that way.

"I've only ever lived here," he admitted quietly at one point, as they walked along in the early morning streets. "I don't have anywhere else to go. All I have is my mother and father."

The words sounded so cowardly, but Orion returned the same sentiment. They were brought up in the guild. And even though he'd been ready to leave before, many times actually, the thought was petrifying. The unknown was, well, unknown. And what happened to you out there held the same name.

"So they told me, the city, that if I couldn't pay to fix the shit I've wrecked, then I owed them," Radic finished. "Big. Now I'm stuck with stupid duties like trash clean up after parades and other shit like that. The worst is tending to the local graveyards. I hate it. It's too damn creepy. And I'm supposed to go out there early in the morning, around dawn. You know, when no one else is around. So no one sees me or whatever." Then he snickered. It sounded so much like the man that he hated that it was almost creepy to Orion. Gihi. Gihi. Did he sound like Laxus when he laughed? He hoped not. "'cept now I guess I gotta go earlier. Huh? Beat out people like you."

Orion didn't know why he walked all that way with Radic. Maybe it was his exhaustion. His mind was mush and he had no choice anyhow. It was either that or be the loser in the graveyard with tearstained cheeks, mumbling to himself incoherently.

He felt odd, too, when they finally got to his house. He and Radic just stood there for a moment or two, staring up at it. The place looked the same. But it sure didn't feel the same.

Had he not cried so much before, Orion might have started tearing up again.

"Well," Radic grumbled finally. "I got some graves and flowers to tend to, yeah?"

Slowly, Orion swallowed before nodding. And even though he didn't speak, Radic still glanced at him.

"It ain't the same without her," he said softly then as he turned to walk off. "And it never will be again. So you just gotta find a new same to look forward to. Even if it sucks ass."

And he knew that was the closest to a condolence he'd ever get from the other guy, so he left it at that. The next time they saw one another, Orion knew it would be different. They'd be back to either avoidance or pure hatred. Even though he reviled the other guy immensely, he hoped that the situation was never reversed.

He truly didn't wish what he was feeling on anyone.

Not even Radic.

The door was unlocked when he got to it. And, pushing in, Orion wasn't ready for what he saw.

He'd never seen Laxus cry before. Honest, he hadn't. Not at Makarov's funeral or his mother's. Never. But there he was, lying on the living room floor, openly doing so.

It wasn't sobs. It hadn't been for the past few days. In fact, the night before, he'd gotten through it without a single tear.

But something hit him that morning, as he lay on the living room floor, trying to play with his daughter, but failing miserably. She was just happily sitting there, next to her father, enjoying her blocks in the oblivious way that only someone so young could possess.

If staring at Radic had been hard, looking Laxus in the eyes then was worse. They were bloodshot and he looked miserable. Orion hated that he looked that miserable. It completely destroyed the desperate opinion that he wanted to keep of the man. As some sort of villain that had not only taken his mother from him, but been the direct cause of her death.

Laxus looked just as devastated as Orion. Just in different ways. He hadn't shaved, didn't look like he'd showered, and, honestly, didn't smell all that great. The past few weeks had been just as hellish for him, after all. As much as Orion didn't like to admit it, he'd lost someone too.

They all had. Not just him.

The first thing that the man took notice of, Orion was sure, was that he had his bag with him. He had to think that he was coming home. Not realizing that he'd been planning on skipping town without a word. He must have thought that he'd come back to him. That he wanted him.

But he didn't. No way did he. Because he didn't need Laxus. He didn't want Laxus. He wanted his mother. All he'd ever wanted was his mother. Why hadn't he only just wanted his mother? Huh? Why had he ever longed for a father? When all having one did was burn him?

Laxus just lay there too, on his stomach, as he watched the front door. Orion was still half out it, as if the sight of his father had shocked him. And it kind of had, honestly.

The biggest surprise, though, was that it was still there. Underneath it all, it was still tugging. All of it. He just wanted his hero back. His idol.

Why couldn't he have that?

Because it had been obliterated. His entire opinion of the man had been so darkened that there was no way to rectify it. None.

Laxus knew that. He knew that he could never make it up to him. Any of it. No matter how much he wanted to. And it just wasn't for Mira's sake. It never had been. He just wanted his boy back.

Why couldn't he have that?

It took a bit for Orion to slowly come into the house, the door closing behind him. And Laxus could only stare as, slowly, he came closer.

"I was gonna leave."

The man blinked before, slowly, nodding. He didn't speak though.

"But I can't." And, slowly, he dropped his bag as well as took off his quiver, leaving his bow down on the ground as well. "I just can't."

If Radic was confusing that day, Orion felt completely disconcerting. What was he doing? He didn't even know. His words were just as much new to him as they were to Laxus.

"I told Mom that I wouldn't. And I won't break a promise to her just because she's not here." He moved then to lay down on the ground with his sister as well then. The baby grinned at him and made a noise of recognition before going right back what she was doing. "I won't leave Makaria just because you're here. I don't care that you're here. She's mine too."

The child made no glance at her name. She didn't usually. It was more for meaning and the connections that it held that it was chosen. Laxus and Mira had always called her by her nickname, Snow. That was what his mother said that she reminded her of, when she came out with that white tuff of hair and it just stuck. It used to make Laxus and Mira giggle to call her that.

Orion usually didn't call her much of anything.

"I know," Laxus whispered as he lay there, staring over at his son. He wasn't sure what else to do.

"I love her."

And Laxus took a breath then, glancing at the baby before back at the teen.

"Yeah," he whispered. "I do too."

Orion refused to look at him then, as he just kept staring at his younger sister. She looked happy. He wanted to be happy.

"I loved my mother."

And that was whispered. As it was hard for him to make that past tense. Was it supposed to be? Because he still loved her. He always would. Whether she was there or not.

"I loved her too, Orion. So much."

He thought that he was done crying. He should have been done crying. But the teen felt his body heave and, though no tears came out, Laxus saw it and knew what he was feeling. Swallowing then, the slayer paused, before adding softly,

"I love you."

It wasn't immediate, but then again, nothing would be from that point. There was years of mistrust and misplaced anger to be dealt with. Many more truth and confessions to come out. It would take years.

But Laxus had years. And he hoped that Orion was willing to hand over some of his as well.

He was still heaving, Orion was. It all felt like too much. And it was. There was just so much. How was he supposed to deal with all that? It all swirled around inside of him constantly. It had been his mother that always figured it out for him. Took all the muddled thoughts and put them in their proper places, separated and restored them. He couldn't do it alone. He didn't know how.

The baby glanced over at him then, the sounds he was making catching her attention. And it killed him, looking at her. Thinking about her. Thinking about anything, really. All of it was just so messed up.

Turning his head down, Orion shut his eyes tightly as it slipped out. His whole life was in shambles and he couldn't contain it anymore. Because hidden behind all the resentment, tumult, and strife the man had caused him, it still remained true. He didn't think it ever wouldn't be.

"I love you too."

And it sounded so pained, the way that he said it, that Laxus could only sit there for a moment, unsure of what to do. He wasn't a comforter. He didn't deal with crying. Maybe for his baby, but not for someone else. What was he supposed to do with Orion, as he laid there heaving, his voice strained as if he were dying?

He did the only thing that crossed his mind. He sat up on his knees and crossed the tiny space. And, when Orion lifted up, he moved to wrap his arms around him for the first time possibly ever.

Maybe it was what he should have been doing from the beginning. Holding him. Because it worked, if only for that moment. Orion clung to him and Laxus felt warm in a way he didn't think he would again.

"I know," he sighed as the boy continued to sob. "I've always known."

Orion would never get his hero back. But, if he wanted, and if they both worked at it, he could get Laxus back. Maybe not how he had him, not the way he wanted him, but it was the same on the slayer's side. The relationship they'd had before was fragmented. It would never be whole again. But they could piece what they could back together and, really, that was all Laxus wanted.

It was what Mira would have wanted. And, though neither would be doing it for her, both would admit that the thought alone made them at least somewhat happy.

But it wouldn't happen that day. Or the next. The whole month was shot. Maybe the year. Orion wasn't even sure if he could really live there with them, Snow and Laxus.

He could visit though. It'd always be his house. And Laxus promised that his room would always be his. It was his home. Above all else.

And it wasn't like the indignation was gone. Because it wasn't. He still hated Laxus. A big part of him did. Blamed him. Still though, he'd admitted it, not only to himself, but to the man in question, that he loved him. That floated to the top. It always would.

How could it not?

Laxus would wait for it to pass. As long as it took. Orion was just one of the tiny pieces of Mira that he still had. And, more than that, he was his son. He'd always been his son. Curse or no curse, he'd always loved the boy. With or without Mirajane.

It didn't make the crying jags stop. Didn't put Orion's mind at ease. Didn't stop keeping Laxus up at night, worrying about it. But, in that moment and many more to come later, it mended that moment. Because Orion was his boy. And Laxus was all he'd ever wanted for so long.

He had him then. Whether he liked it or not.

When they pulled back then though, from that awkward hug they were locked in, they both only stared at one another. Laxus was waiting for the boy to blow up at him again, but it didn't come. And Orion was waiting for the pain to wash away, but it never would.

So they just sat there on their knees, watching the other.

"P'ay?"

It was the sound of Snow talking though that made them both glance over at her, staring at her for a moment in shock, as if they'd forgotten she was there. Maybe they had.

Things weren't just about them though. Mira had left them both with the one thing that would bind them forever. A part of her that wouldn't be going away.

And, though it was more of with a grimace than a smile, Orion moved to lie back down and pick up one of her dolls for her, shaking it in the baby's face. She loved this, of course, and giggled loudly. Laxus sat there, watching, as his chest panged and he worried that he'd gone too far. Hugging him.

Had he just wrecked everything?

But then Orion was looking up at him and his eyes weren't full of hatred. Just normal, bloodshot eyes.

Voice hoarse, he whispered, "Aren't you going to play?"

It was his own turn to lie back down. Nodding all the while, he promised them both, "Always. I mean it, Orion. Always."

Even though he didn't want to and only hours before he wouldn't have, Orion believed him.

They loved one another. Always.

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#Miraxus #Mirajane Strauss #Laxus Dreyar #Fanfic #Fairy Tail #10 of 10

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withoutshade · 6 years ago

Text

My Fire Eating Story

Main editing by Rion Fish, 2018, May 30th

Special thanks to Zofia Kaminski, Anna Tukachinskaya, Aetheria De Fleury, and Bethany Byrnes, for their contributions.

My name is April Jennifer Choi, and I used to be a Fire Eater. Over the years, I put in thousands of hours to become one of the most well-known, knowledgeable, and skilled fire-eaters in the world. Over the course of three years, I learned and categorized hundreds of fire-eating tricks and variations. I demonstrated, edited, and produced six volumes of The Fire Eating Tricktionary. I became one of the Admins of the largest fire eating Group on Facebook. I invented new fire eating torches and styles. I performed and taught Fire Eating for some of the top fire arts events in the US.

About a year and a half ago, I started to get sick. At first, I assumed this was due to a new medication, but a pattern emerged-- I was getting sick for days after fire-eating practice. On my birthday last year, April 13th, nausea, headache, vomiting, diarrhea, profuse sweating, abdominal cramps, and tachycardia set in. This was so severe that my fiancée, Bethany, tried to call an ambulance. I begged her no, before losing consciousness on the bathroom floor. This was the first time I had fuel poisoning, but not the last. Over the course of the coming year, I was already booked to teach and perform fire eating all around the US; I went ahead with my schedule. After every major workshop, I would get sick. I cut back on my practice, and I noticed things got better. Due to other health issues, I have blood work on a bi-monthly basis. After one blood test, my doctor asked if there was anything I was doing that could be throwing the test off. I mentioned fire eating, which my doctor had seen me do in the local 4th of July celebration. My doctor recommended that I stop completely, and requested a follow-up test in two weeks. Two weeks crept by, in which I was unable to demonstrate any fire eating with fuel, despite teaching five fire-eating classes at PlayThink Movement Festival during that time period. I returned home, had my blood drawn, and the results were back within normal range. I spent the autumn months teaching and performing with a limited trick set, nothing advanced, and with few negative occurrences. During this time, I decided to discontinue being a full-time performer and resume my engineering career. When the invitations for the 2018 festival season started to come in at the end of the year, I was repeatedly requested to teach and perform fire eating. I said yes, to way too many events, including both fire-eating workshops and a few fire eating world record attempts. I regret those choices. The season kicked off, and I noticed that I was growing more sensitive. Filming for the “Best of Fire Eating” video, I limited my number of takes but felt ill for days after. I tried to rationalize and write it off; this could not be happening to me. During Flame Festival, one year exactly since my birthday celebration that I collapsed at, I noticed my symptoms were still more sensitive—to being around both UPLO and white gas. I started to ask questions and research what else could cause my decline. I changed my diet because I noticed that vegans and people with strict diets, seemed to suffer a bit more after fire eating or fire-breathing. I also found people who slept less, who weighed less, as well as others who didn’t use substances that potentially masked their symptoms, seemed to suffer more. I set out to better my lifestyle, to reduce the amount I would get sick, looking toward vitamin supplementation and cleaner fuels to improve my outlook. Things did improve, until a long workshop in Iowa attempting a fire-eating world record. I felt terrible immediately and had to take the following day on bed rest. Things went downhill from here faster and faster. I filmed my submission for a fire-breathing collaboration video. Even using the standard, UPLO, which is considerably safer than white gas, and only a few breaths, I was sick once again. I was so sick that I decided then that I would quit fire-breathing; while it is an art that I enjoy, I love Fire Eating. Since I was still to teach at Kinetic Fire, the biggest fire festival in the Midwest, I took a few weeks off and hoped for the best. At Kinetic Fire, I taught only three classes, one of which I supported with minimal demonstrations. I restricted the second class to a discussion. The third class involved vapor tricks, during which I did a few demos and some play with the other instructors. I did less than ten vapor tricks total. Within hours, things were bad. I decided not to participate in the fire circle and go to bed early. I couldn’t sleep due to painful cramping. Nausea, headache, sweating, and racing pulse joined in; I staggered to find a bathroom as fast as I could. I spent an hour that felt like forever with severe diarrhea, vomiting into a trash can, and feeling the worst I’ve ever felt in my life. The pain was intense, and nausea and irregular heart rate caused things to shimmer away in tunnel vision. When I was able to speak, I began yelling for help. An event organizer heard me and radioed for a medic. The medic arrived, and I explained the situation as best I could. He said he could request an ambulance-- and I seriously considered it-- but I knew the situation and there wasn’t much to be done. After much comforting and examining, the medic retrieved my fiancée. I faced the fact that just a handful of vapor tricks caused my situation, and I had to completely stop both fire-breathing or fire eating. I’ve always been chemically sensitive. A single coffee will keep me awake for many hours. A dose of Dramamine knocks me out. When going under general anesthesia for the first time, I was incorrectly dosed due to my low weight, and I spent the following days vomiting at home. Even with better sleep, diet, trying to find a cleaner fuel, and gaining weight, my situation was ugly. I didn’t think much of fire eating in the beginning, but I fell for it hard. It connected me with an international talent agent and opened doors to performing around the world. I had world records and TV shows lined up to see what I can do with fire. I make love to fire in such that it dances on my lips. These are no parlor tricks; this is my joy, my pride, joining me to a global community of magicians, entertainers, and artists. I am admired for this. Despite that, as the sun was coming up at Kinetic, I faced the fact that fire eating is killing me. The decision to quit fire eating is not an easy one. I am grieving. Some of my closest friends, my best companions, and my most trusted confidants developed because of this art. So many people I love and cherish were at Kinetic Fire, there to see as I was escorted to bed, to cry myself to sleep. The next afternoon, I sat with my people, who inspire me so much. I cried in their arms and they cried back. They reminded me that I have other passions that are not fire-breathing or eating. I heard them, even as a piece of me was dying. Everyone who takes up this art is warned about the legion of risks, but I did not expect it to feel like this. We ignore the danger until it is all too tangible. This week, I canceled all my upcoming record attempts, performances, and informed events that I couldn’t demo fire eating in my remaining classes. Each cancellation stung my heart. I continue to feel cold and distant; my dreams are up in smoke; this is not an easy lesson in acceptance. I’m not leaving the community behind. I must take many steps back, but I will stick around to help people learn this beautiful art as safely as possible. I will help find safer ways to do this and I will warn people about the risks. I want my story to remind everyone that there are dangers to playing with fire other than just getting burned. I hope this warns those that discover their passion for fire arts to be more careful. I pray for those blessed by the magic of fire eating, may they never be hurt by it. For more than the pain of a blistering burn, is the enduring heartbreak. Please, stay safe out there. Addendum (June 25th):

So, it has been a month and I have talked to a lot of people about this in the fire eating and fire breathing worlds. Collectively, we have discovered 3 more things that I was doing that probably lead to my suffering when fire eating and fire breathing.

The first is diet; Adam Lobo pointed out that diet is a huge part of staying healthy while fire eating. Without going into a massive list of what’s good and bad, the main suspected foods that hold on to fuel and vapor better are fats and dairy. No one knows this for sure, but a number of fire eater and fire breathers have stated that reducing fats and dairy before fire eating, as well as increasing the amount of fiber reduced the chance or severity of them getting sick; while the opposite made them feel much worse.

Secondly is Hybrids and Dangerous Techniques. Derrick Vermin noticed when he started down the road of Solo-Hybrids and Fuel Traps he too began to feel ill. My journey took me way too far down this path. My Solo-Hybrid skills had me holding both Air and VG Vapor in part of my Lungs, WG in a tongue trap, and both UPLO and WG Vapor in my mouth to pull off certain tricks. Just the WG traps alone could have probably set off my immune system to go haywire let alone the plethora of dumb ideas such as popcorn, micro-torches, and the Vermin’s own technique of ‘Hidden Dragon’ and my version called ‘Crouching Tiger’.

Lastly, Cilantro the Clown pointed out that I practiced in a ‘Binge’ format. Where I would do a lot of fire eating or breathing in a 3-4 hour practice session or 5-6 hour workshop rather than 15-30 min every day. These ‘binge’ sessions are why I ended up so violently sick afterwards and my body probably recognized that the fuel was causing this and then started to react quicker and quicker each time. Had I spread my practice out more, I might have reduced the chance of the intense immune response I developed.

Now, due to my current health, I am not about to test these hypotheses out myself, but I want this information to be available so that future fire eaters and breathers can use it to progress the arts further while reducing possible adverse side effects. I will continue to collect information and knowledge for the safety and protection of fire performers that are wanting to pursue these arts and I hope many others are willing to do the same. Together, I want us all to continue to grow this magical world while keeping our members as safe as possible.

Google Doc Link: https://tinyurl.com/myfireeatingstory

#fireeating

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thysurveys · 6 years ago

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783.

Have you ever talked to someone online, but when you saw each other in person, it was just super awkward? Have you ever made a really good friend online? I am an awkward person, so yes. We never became really good friends. Do you enter sweepstakes or scratch lottery tickets or anything like that? What’s the best thing you’ve ever won? Nope.

Right now, would you be upset if you got pregnant, or would you not mind? Have you ever had a pregnancy scare? No. I would be extremely thrilled. We’ve been trying for a year plus now. And yes, I’ve had a pregnancy scare when I was a lot younger than what I am now.

Have you ever let someone be your everything? Yep.

Do you have any weird inside jokes? Yeah.

Could you go the rest of your life without a cigarette? I could if I really tried, and I will.

Is there anybody you’re really disappointed in right now? Nope. The opposite at the moment, actually.

Do you have alcohol in your house? Mhm.

Have you ever wanted something you couldn’t have? Yeah, of course.

Are you a morning or night person? I would say night. But I work real early mornings most days, so I don’t stay up too late anymore.

What is your favorite color? I don’t really have a “favourite”.

It’s 4 in the morning, your phone rings, who is it? It would be more than likely an emergency from a family member. No one calls me that late, ever.

Have you ever had a really big fight with a best friend? Of course.

Has someone ever called you at midnight on your birthday? Possibly. I can’t think of anything though.

Are any of your friends virgins? Yeah.

Has anyone got on your nerves today? Nope. I’ve been pretty okay today, so I’m happy.

Has anyone told you they would never leave, and left? Yep.

Do you have a member of the opposite sex you can tell everything to? Yep.

Did you kiss or hug anyone in the last 48 hours? Yes. Both.

Are you usually early or late? Early.

What’s annoying you? I have a headache. :(

Do you have anything to pay off? Yep.

What are you wearing right now? A long cardigan, leggings and a stripped shirt.

Do you know anyone that wants you dead? Probably.

Do you believe that regrets are lessons learned? Of course.

First color name you can think of that isn’t in the rainbow. I was going to say cyan, but is it? I don’t know.

What timekeeping devices are in the room you are currently in? My laptop, my phone. Kevin’s phone. Kevin’s watch.

What gaming consoles do you or your family own? Kevin has a PS3 and PS4.

What’s the best job you’ve ever had? I’ve never really had a “best” job, but the one I have is currently my favourite.

What’s the worst job you’ve ever had? Working at Video Ezy.

What email service do you use? Outlook.

Is there anything hanging on the walls of the room you are currently in? Yeah.

Earliest moment in your life you can remember? I actually thought about that today and the only memory that came to mind was when my cousin took me to a market and I remember being really sleepy and being pushed around in a pram.

What did you have for dinner yesterday? I don’t even know if I had anything. I may have. I don’t remember. How often do you brush your teeth? At least once a day. Usually twice.

What’s your favorite candy/chocolate? Bueno.

Have you had other blogs on Tumblr? Do you have any other blogs currently? Just my survey and personal blog.

If you were suddenly really hungry, what would you choose to eat? No idea. I just ate not too long ago, so I’m okay.

What fandoms would you consider yourself a part of? Nothing really.

What kind of position are you in at the moment? I’m half lying down, half sitting up on my bed.

Do you wear much jewelry? Just a necklace Kevin brought me, and earrings.

Furthest away from home you have ever been? America.

How many times have you moved houses? Plenty of times.

Who was the last person you had a conversation with on the phone? It was a receptionist from the hospital.

Have you ever had a best friend who was of the opposite sex? Yeah, of course.

Has anyone said they love you in the last week? Yep.

Who was the last person to comfort you as you cried? Kevin.

Which friend are you most similar to? I feel like Georgia and I can be similar, but at the same time we’re very different. I’m different to a lot of my friends.

Your ex calls wanting to hang out. What do you say? I’m good, thanks. Would you get back with your last ex if they asked you? Nope.

Have you kissed anyone whose name starts with a M? Yeah.

Would you kiss the last person who texted you, on the lips? Nope. I have a boyfriend.

Camping with a ton of friends or hotel with a few friends? Either or. I think it would be fun either way. Maybe camping. I don’t know.

Have you ever kissed anyone who’s name starts with P, J, R, M, C, or D? R, M and C.

Do you think your ex will ever want to be with you again? Nope.

Where would you rather live: England or Australia? I live in Australia and I can’t imagine ever living outside of my country. So Australia.

What’s your relationship with the last person you texted? He’s a friend.

When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought? Gross.

Do you fall for people easily? I can get attached very easily, so. There you go.

Do you ever wonder what your ex is up to? Nope.

Have you ever kissed someone who was drunk? Yeah.

The nearest window to you now - what color curtains are on them? Pink.

The shade of the color of your eyes can be described as: I don’t know. They’re green, sometimes blue. I don’t know.

When was the last time you drank alcohol? A few days ago.

At what age did you stop believing in Santa? Fairly young, I think.

Do you own a wok? No.

Is there a particular type of music you really don’t like? Not really a fan of country music.

Do you like going to weddings? Depends.

What do you have on your toast? Butter and Vegemite, lol.

Who was the last person you know who became pregnant? An old friend of mine.

Beach, city, or mountains? All of the above. More beach and mountains though.

Do you have a stapler at your house? Mhm.

Would you rather read a book or listen to an audiobook? Read.

Which is larger - your book or dvd collection? Book.

What is the last spontaneous thing you did? I won’t write that here. Bit personal.

What is your middle name? Ann.

What are you passionate about? I don’t know if I am even passionate about anything. I don’t know if you would regard this as passionate, but I always try and make people feel wanted and understood. I like making people happy.

Do you have any fears? For sure.

What’s your sign? Aries.

Future names of your children: I don’t know yet. Kev and I have a few favourites. For example, Luca, Nolan, Elise, Eloise.

What are you listening to right now? Tyga.

Do you believe in fate/destiny? I do actually.

What are your career goals? I don’t fucking know anymore.

Have you ever had a near-death experience? Mm. I guess you could say that?

Are you a procrastinator or do you get things done early? Both.

TV shows and anime you watch regularly. I don’t watch any anime. I watch OITB as of lately since the new season came out.

Halloween costume idea for this year? I don’t do Halloween.

How much does your mother know about your sex life (or lack thereof)? I don’t go into great detail about my sex life, but she knows Kevin and I are trying for a baby, so there’s that.

Do you enjoy watching cooking shows? I do actually.

Do you worry about gaining weight? Mhm.

Have you ever used fake tan? Yep.

Do you ever look at someone cute, and automatically make a move? Nope.

How many times have you been to Walmart in the past week? Like, zero. We don’t have one here.

Do you live in a house, apartment, or another type of arrangement? A house.

Are you kind of a loner? Do you like being alone? I can be if I really want to be. I like my space. But then again, I like being around certain people too.

Are any of your siblings married? Nope. I’ll more than likely be the first.

#surveys #survey #question #questions #quiz #personal #bored #misc

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zakdesignprojects-blog · 5 years ago

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As part of our flat mag, my group decided to have interviews with rpg characters. It was my job to create and draw them and write the interviews. Two were used in the flat mag, n four weren’t

Kalanar Laemore - high elf cleric

What's your journey been like? Any interesting or memorable quests? In hindsight, I've been on a ton of fun journeys. But my life has never been normal so they've all been weird as shit too. Have you ever willingly let yourself become a vampire thrall just to enter a place only undead can go? No, because that's not a thing normal people do. It's not even a thing weird people with a kink do. Gods, my life is a mess, isn't it? No wonder I'm a depressed alcoholic.

You were a vampire's thrall? For how long? How did you get in that situation to begin with? My life's weird, okay? I teamed up with a bunch of vampires to investigate a cult, and everything lead to a portal to a realm only spirits or the undead can go. Compared to my lovely blood-drinking companions, I still had a heartbeat, so I was kinda stuck. I couldn't just sit out, the three vampires are all mages, and I'm a warrior and a healer. Unbalanced teams get nowhere in the adventuring-into-Hell business, I've learned. And it was either become a temporary thrall, or become a vampire. The second option was a no-go considering I've got a slight case of lycanthropy. So, thrall it was.

You're a werewolf? How did that happen? Weird shit is attracted to me I guess. I thought I was part of a merry band of mercenaries until they offered me to join their higher ups, who also happen to be a werewolf psuedo-cult. I can never go anywhere fun anymore. I mean, I could've said no, but the guy I liked was there and I wanted to be cool. Which is easy to say until you choke on werewolf blood and pass out, then wake up naked in the woods with an awful headache and a weird taste in your mouth. Though don't get me wrong, it's not a choice I regret. Gives me a great opening for a whole new world of jokes. And I met my best friend through it, so werewolves are fine in my book.

Seems that you managed to get quite lucky in life, don't you think? Ha, uh, wouldn't say that. Not to get all therapy session here, but I had a shit upbringing. Angst-y backstory and whatnot, you've heard one, you've heard them all. Sure, things got better when I set out on my own, but calling me lucky? Lucky people don't accidentally get into a drinking contest with a god, then get so piss drunk they marry a bird-witch. That's the worst walk of shame in the world. But... I dunno, maybe I am lucky? Got some good friends, a nice little house, a husband, a dog. I could easily be a dead body on the side of the road with only four gold pieces on me, so I mean, comparatively I'm doing better.

Odd outlook. Do you always respond with jokes and anecdotes? Oh absolutely. Someone's gotta be the funny bitch in the party, may as well be Mr. Coping Mechanism here. I can also stand around and look handsome. Oh, and I suppose I'm a healer too, huh? But that's the last point on my resume. Being funny and handsome are the first two, they're the most important facts about me that people need to know if they wanna hire me. Too many adventuring parties are out there being ugly and unfunny, and I won't stand for it anymore.

#Semester 2 #assignment #flat mag

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emanresusi-blog · 8 years ago

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Musings of schizotypals Pt. 1

L.G. - I have a sucky sensation inside. Now that I might break up (for my own mental health) with my boyfriend, I have a sucky realization. I have no friends. I have pushed people for years, stablished unhealthy relationships for years. Now everyone is gone, and I cannot retake relationships that I pushed away years ago. I feel lonely. C.B. - Maybe my impulses to criticize others are a way to avoid criticizing myself. I find myself wanting to tell people that no one cares about their stupid lives but now I realize that's just one of the negative things I used to tell myself. I stopped the stream of negative thoughts about myself. But the thoughts are still there, just waiting to be applied to something. I need to channel this inner critic into something more productive. I know it is a facet of who I am, just one that I misuse a lot. It must be able to do some good somewhere. Constructive criticism about myself and my behavior perhaps. I should meditate on this. I'm feeling good but strangely devoid of emotion simultaneously. Like, my outlook on life is a generally optimistic one at the moment even though I'm not specifically happy about anything. I told my friend that I felt like something more was developing in my mind towards her and she wasn't scared off, so maybe that's why I feel optimistic. At the same time, I feel oddly suspicious and paranoid about her as well. Suspicious of her motives in continuing to talk to me after I told her how I felt, and paranoid for her safety at times (she's blind and also the tiniest little bit naïve, in my opinion). Extending my locus of emotional openness doesn't come easily to me. I really bond with other people to the point that I feel a bit like I'm losing myself. I don't like that feeling, but I love bonding with individuals at the same time. I suppose I'm just a bundle of contradictory neurons wrapped in a skull lol A.C. - So I'm sat in my porch locked out bags packed after another of my alcohol induced binge dissapearing acts I know "only Self to blame" I was only out drinking and chatting nothing bad, but I guess I am selfish, selfishly anaware and selfishly inconsiderate with what I don't think through or when I act rash. Slowly I've become more of a loner and made a habit of losing things family, friends umm jobs, it doesn't feel normal or nice that I might just be a procrastinative, selfish/absorbed individual who can't really get any sort of balance in personal life. I care about making amends and living a normal family life it's just... I don't know. Everyone blames me and punishes me, I don't want a scapegoat for my mistakes but it's very confusing I think if I didn't do what I did I'd damage my self by suppressing it all inside would be worse that's not a justification just a thought. Maybe leading a stable life, to work full time, three kids and relationship is too much. S.C - I suffer from depression and anxiety...I feel sometimes that im different of others because i think i have a few particularities(including that i have only two friends).I often try to explain to some that i can catch thoughts & feelings from people that i know...In fact,from complete stangers too ...I just thought if someone here could uderstand me? And I would like to add that is it okay not to fear of losing my few friends?I am 14 and feel like a misfit..I can't recognize what i am and don't remember who i used to be. R.R. - I have a weird feeling that I'm gonna die soon. Lol. Awkward. 2 near death experiences for me and 1 for my mom. Meh. Now I'm walking around every day with intense anxiety, waiting for an accident to happen. 😢 C.S. - I'm not doing well. I'm emotional... I cried for like half an hour today and I usually don't cry. But I've been sick over something I can't talk about. Very paranoid and scared. Such ugly ruminating thoughts. Barely slept last night and I have such a headache but my mind won't shut off. For the first time in years I feel like punching myself in the head. I've been taking my pills regularly. I see the shrink on Thursday. Which means I have to get through two days of work... I've been mildly sick with a cold for the last week. Oh help! I just want to feel better. A.M. - Today I keep seeing characters from TV shows as people in public spaces (anyone else experienced this?) and there was a shadow man in my lounge. It's odd and not making me paranoid which is also odd. Usually when freaky brain shit happens paranoia activates. Side note; Who the hell puts dried apricot in a hot cross bun!? C.B. - Sometimes I have this urge to be rude to people I don't like. Or that I decide are, as narcissistic as this sounds, beneath me morally or intellectually. It makes me very nervous to confront people but sometimes I do it out of impulse. Like I have this parallel line of thinking that just criticizes the hell out of everything I see. I let it build up and then let it out when I reach a certain level of resentment at the world. Afterwords I feel no better. But it's like I have this good side and this bad side to me. The bad side is the worst me I can imagine: lazy, thoughtless, critical, apathetic, and cruel. The good side is the best me I can imagine: empathetic, supportive, passive, thoughtful. I realize that I internalize these values from my primary caregivers growing up, my mother and first stepfather. I can't see the value in my stepfather very well. Jung had this idea of the Anima and the Animus. One male and the other female. I've always identified my values with the feminine due to the fact that the only support I ever got growing up was from women. I never understood men. I never understood women either for that matter. But they were the people I tried to emulate growing up. I couldn't stand the thought of being like my stepfather or boys my age until I became a teenager. Then I copied my stepfather and began to hate a lot. To be cruel a lot. Because that's all I saw in him. These impulses must be that old behavior rearing it's head. I've always wanted to be my own person but I've never quite known how. L. G. - Okay so I am going to lay one of my biggest problems right now and see if you can help me even if it's just a Little bit because I have no clue :( I finished university last year. Everything fine. My father came to my room and asked me, "what do you want to do next year? you have to think it NOW" and clearly wanted me, pushed me to do oposiciones (this is how we call the process of studying to get a job in the public system). I did the course for oposiciones. I HATED IT. God damn how boring, bland, deadly! I cannot even study for it or understand what they do. But my parents are 100% into it and they don't even contemplate me leaving them. I have to act like I study on days like those because they are so into this, specially my father, who sees working in the public system as my only chance in life because I am schizotypal. You can ask me questions, I will answer if it hasn't been understood. Thanks for the help :) L.G. - This is a bit of a hard to ask question but I will ask anyway...do you have problems maintaining your personal care, etc...? Sometimes I do and my family makes shame of me :( although i think really I'm not that much of a disaster. I mean, now I take care of myself, it's not like when I was really bad where I wouldn't take proper care of myself. L. G. - Do you ever feel like you've got too much contained in your chest and feel like telling anyone about it? Like you had an urge to tell what's ailing you? I've got Friends to talk with but I have too much in my chest and everyone looks like a friend to me now... S.S. - Two things I learnt about myself recently 1 - I will never be able to do a 9-5 job. Because I am too impatient and get angry when someone tells me what to do. Also overthink everything and get bored with routine. The only thing I can do is my own boss and work from home alone.I need to be in control. 2 - I can't ever picture myself in a relationship. I recently met a woman a bit older than myself but we share lots of interests and get on well. But I'm beginning to feel smothered and under pressure to behave a certain way. I just want to be a free individual with no responsibilities. I wasn't born to be a pack animal, but to give others as much freedom as possible and for them to not bug me in return. C.B. - Anyone else feel really anxious when they talk to other people about personal issues? It makes therapy very difficult for me. I'm too nervous around my therapist to open up to him, to really talk about the issues I have. I always just spend the time in my "therapy mode" (where I act pleasant and nice and talk about minor issues to avoid the larger ones). I don't feel like anybody can really help me with some things, and that I would just be making whoever I was talking to feel bad. I want to be able to talk about my motivations, my relationships, my feelings but they make me feel pathetic. Sometimes I feel like less than a person, like I'm really just wearing a mask when I behave as a normal human does. Trouble is I don't know for sure who or what is under that mask. D.S. - Had an irrational mental breakdown in public again one of those crying and screaming in equal parts of anger, frustration and sadness... why am I so easily overwhelmed sometimes.. plus I look kinda scary afterwards.. the neighbors already peg me for weird as it is... all emotionally shutdown and stuff only secs later.. I dont know its always like that.. overemotional first and a few seconds later back to the void.. im done. Im turning 23 tomorrow and I just wish I could skip to my funeral instead.. yeah.. one of those days.. A.M. - Does anybody else wander through life aimlessly? Never really finishing things they embark on, barely following their interests and feeling as though they're waiting for something to shake enough life into them to align them with the dimension that is reality... Being a drifting alien is really getting to me lately, I didn't realise how meaningless I find everything or how far I have drifted from society. I am not referring to deppression btw. P.A. - There’s something that’s killing me inside and I would really appreciate getting it out in a post. I really hope I don’t sound like a total bitch. It’s to do with abandonment, which I hope some people here will understand. I feel so abandoned by my counsellor. It’s the closest relationship I have. I sent her a text a few weeks ago saying I was sad and I never heard back. It has been my psych ward “anniversary” and I thought she’d message me to ask how I am but no nothing. Now she’s just become a grandmother... I know because I’m friends with her son. They are all super excited and spending lots of time together. He is sending me photos of the new baby but it’s just making me even more upset. Why can’t I just be happy for them? I feel so bad and self-centred for feeling this way. I know this little girl will be spoilt rotten with love and I’m jealous, there’s no other word for it. I suspect this is triggering an ancient wound in me, a hole that I’ve never managed to fill. My friend wants to see me tonight but I’m just too upset to see him and I can’t explain to him why *hides under table* C.B. - Sometimes I feel like I am more comfortable being depressed than I am being happy. Being sad feels, I don't know, solid, constant, whereas happiness is a fleeting and ephemeral feeling. Because of this, I got used to lying to myself to make myself more depressed. Don't know if that makes any sense, but I used to love laying in bed and thinking terrible things about myself until I cried my eyes out. I guess I craved that sense of catharsis. These days, I realize that this isn't a healthy way of coping, but I still crave the cathartic feeling I used to get by working myself into a terrible place. I think maybe I crave intense release of emotion because I have a hard time letting go of emotions in the moment and I kind of bottle them up. I still crave that. It's odd, I suppose I'm working to integrate the disparate parts of my personality into a functioning whole. It's like the emotional part of me exists kind of parallel to the rest, separate but connected in form if not function. A.C. - I guess if you can't do anything consistently but your capable of being extremely creative which many are here. Your purpose in life is to create a masterpiece not stand in line and fit the system. S.S. - Got told I'm too much of a negative person earlier and that I should keep all my thoughts secret. But the truth is I only say about 10% of what's actually on my mind. I'm too truthful about my flaws. The last thing I wanna be is a fake who brags. I can't help who I am.

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