#I’ve experienced what it’s like to have no one or have people who don’t know how to truly be a friend
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geraldmariaivo · 1 day ago
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I’m like 95% sure that I’m autistic, though undiagnosed. While I absolutely experienced a lot of these, I found the communication barrier less extreme. Mostly for three reasons.
1) as a smallish child I devoured books, and my parents encouraged my reading, so they just chucked thicker and thicker books at me. And my dad has a lot of old fantasy books. Between that and my later consumption of really long fanfics online, my childhood-adolescent vocabulary exploded with big words that older people know, and mean very specific things.
2) My parents watched lots of detective and private investigator shows (think Elementary and Person of Interest). These shows had smart characters who used big words, lots of words, spoke calmly, and very importantly- got their points across in a way that I understood very clearly, and the other characters understood as they walked through their explanations. None of them were particularly good at socializing, but they could convey information.
3) growing up, my dad and especially my uncle (my dad’s older brother, and an engineer) were the single most pedantic people I knew, and they would argue semantics into the ground. I know for a fact that my uncle is autistic (undiagnosed, but trust me there’s no way he’s not), and he had the most literal mindset ever. He was the kind of guy who drilled into me to never say “always” unless I genuinely meant “every single solitary instance.” He’s loosened up with age, but my god it was so stressful to talk to him as a child. Between him and my dad, I had to figure out how to piece together sentences so there was no possible way it could be misconstrued or used against me, because anything that could be, would be.
I ended up absorbing the speech patterns, and paired it with my vocabulary to make what I said as air-tight as possible. (Example: if someone asked “Did [X] do [Y]?” and you’re 98% sure they didn’t, normal answer is “No.” or “I don’t think so.” What I had learned to say in middle school was “To the best of my knowledge, [X] didn’t do [Y], though I haven’t asked them about it recently, so you might need to.”
Unfortunately I now have the opposite problem. In the words of Red from OSP: “Why use one word, when fifteen will do!” Which also sometimes (but much less often) results in people not knowing what the fuck I’m talking about because I explained it in too much detail. This usually happens when someone is sleep deprived, extra stressed, or uninterested in what I’m saying anyway. Ironically, my dad is the one who complains about it the most, telling me that I sound weird, and need to learn how to talk like a normal person. Meanwhile my uncle is like “Ah, yes. I can understand what you’re saying perfectly.”
Funnily enough I’ll sometimes use internet shorthand when something is obvious enough that I can be confident that the person I’m talking to can extrapolate the meaning, but it ends up with me say things like “Honestly the Generation 1 Transformers theme songs are funny to me. They clearly didn’t really know what they were doing. The every season’s theme was different, and all of them had disorganized music and vocals. None of them were particularly coherent, and half the time you wouldn’t be able to tell what genre the show was by listening to it if it wasn’t for the fact that they slapped a computer-y sounding filter over the voice lines because robots.”
ironically, my dad, one of the main reasons that i Talk Like That, tells me that i have the weirdest speech patterns. It’s not particularly derogatory, but every time he does it reminds me that he knows has gained the trust of zero autistic people under the age of forty because of his boomer-ass nonsense, because every autistic person under the age of forty that I’ve met who’s heard me speak like that almost immediately dropped the mask and started using their own patchwork speech patterns. (Yes i know all naturally occurring speech patterns are patchwork due to social mirroring and the like.)
I realized the other day that the reason I didn't watch much TV as a teenager (and why I'm only now catching up on late aughts/early teens media that I missed), is because I literally didn't understand how to use our TV. My parents got a new system, and it had three remotes with a Venn diagram of functions. If someone left the TV on an unfamiliar mode, I didn't know how to get back to where I wanted to be, so I just stopped watching TV on my own altogether.
I explained all this to my therapist, because I didn't know if this was more related to my then-unnoticed autism, or to my relationship with my parents at the time (we had issues less/unrelated to neurodivergency). She told me something interesting.
In children's autism assessments, a common test is to give them a straightforward task that they cannot reasonably perform, like opening an overtight jar. The "real" test is to see, when they realize that they cannot do it on their own, if they approach a caregiver for help. Children that do not seek help are more likely to be autistic than those that do.
This aligns with the compulsory independence I've noticed to be common in autistic adults, particularly articulated by those with lower support needs and/or who were evaluated later in life. It just genuinely does not occur to us to ask for help, to the point that we abandon many tasks that we could easily perform with minor assistance. I had assumed it was due to a shared common social trauma (ie bad experiences with asking for help in the past), but the fact that this trait is a childhood test metric hints at something deeper.
My therapist told me that the extremely pathologizing main theory is that this has something to do with theory of mind, that is doesn't occur to us that other people may have skills that we do not. I can't speak for my early childhood self, or for all autistic people, but I don't buy this. Even if I'm aware that someone else has knowledge that I do not (as with my parents understanding of our TV), asking for help still doesn't present itself as an option. Why?
My best guess, using only myself as a model, is due to the static wall of a communication barrier. I struggle a lot to make myself understood, to articulate the thing in my brain well enough that it will appear identically (or at least close enough) in somebody else's brain. I need to be actively aware of myself and my audience. I need to know the correct words, the correct sentence structure, and a close-enough tone, cadence, and body language. I need draft scripts to react to possible responses, because if I get caught too off guard, I may need several minutes to construct an appropriate response. In simple day-to-day interactions, I can get by okay. In a few very specific situations, I can excel. When given the opportunity, I can write more clearly than I am ever capable of speaking.
When I'm in a situation where I need help, I don't have many of my components of communication. I don't always know what my audience knows. I don't have sufficient vocabulary to explain what I need. I don't know what information is relevant to convey, and the order in which I should convey it. I don't often understand the degree of help I need, so I can come across inappropriately urgent or overly relaxed. I have no ability to preplan scripts because I don't even know the basic plot of the situation.
I can stumble though with one or two deficiencies, but if I'm missing too much, me and the potential helper become mutually unintelligible. I have learned the limits of what I can expect from myself, and it is conceptualized as a real and physical barrier. I am not a runner, so running a 5k tomorrow does not present itself as an option to me. In the same way, if I have subconscious knowledge that an interaction is beyond my capability, it does not present itself as an option to me. It's the minimum communication requirements that prevent me from asking for help, not anything to do with the concept of help itself.
Maybe. This is the theory of one person. I'm curious if anyone else vibes with this at all.
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exnoiafork · 2 days ago
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our interpretation of darkheart x reader (angryheart...) ?? if thats okay.. (/nf ofc!!)
-hexx & sovvka 🌀
angry!darkheart heart x reader
☆ TL;DR: the spiral stereo’s version of darkheart is just traumatized by Illumina and he was kicked out lol
☆ also this is the response to the other 2 people who asked for a darkheart req.
….
☆ 2/23/2020
☆ today I was exploring an.. ancient ruin of some sorts! apparently it belonged to the sfoth deity named.. darkheart. that’s from history class, i’ll admit..
☆ I’ve always been interested in the sfoth deities! like, they’re pretty majestic but, yet some of them interact with us .. mortals.
☆ oh, i’m getting ahead of myself! the ruins had a lot of weird .. drawings. specifically those like ancient-drawings that you see on caves? yeah, those!
☆ it looked.. really worn down too. I tried to imagine what it looked like before , but I think it’s beyond repair. I kinda wish to see it in its full glory! imagine that..
….
☆ 2/24/2020
☆ so.. I’ve been seeing a few weird shadows following me whenever I go outside? it only lasts for a few minutes so , definitely not stalking!
☆ but.. I’m not sure how to feel about this. yeah, it’s only when i go outside but.. someone’s definitely watching me.
☆ i just want.. actually. maybe they care for me! or whatever pronouns they go by , but.. I’ll need to keep my guard up for a while.
☆ 2/25/2020
☆ okay! um.. the shadows are starting to talk to me! they’re.. very friendly, so I can’t really complain.. but, it’s kinda creepy? maybe — .. maybe ghosts are real? orr maybe not?? actually, ghosts ARE real! there’s evidence they’ve existed for a while now!
☆ ghosts aside.. they introduced us as.. darkheart? the sword deity that was.. missing! for a while! their followers have been on their knees praying for them to come back but— I’ve figured that ruin was haunted in some way. it was… creepy.
☆ but .. dark as I like to call them.. they didn’t trust me as first, as all people do but.. they were more.. distraught.. than normal people! like, I don’t wanna offend them and all but.. i just wonder what happened to them. i can’t help but feel worried, even though I’ve met them once.
….
☆ 8/14/2024
☆ oh. Dark opened up. it’s because of.. Illumina? i thought she was lowkey just a chill guy! but.. ugh.. is that why they’re so angry? i mean.. i can’t blame them at all. considering what they told me is true.. i can see bruises all over them, and.. i .. i want to comfort them but.. i don’t know how.
☆ i don’t want to say the wrong thing. I’ve experienced it.. before… and the thought of someone experiencing something.. like that.. it makes me sick to my stomach. I— i don’t know how to feel about this! I just want to help them out however i can. just.. i need some time.
☆ 8/15/24
☆ okay. um.. i managed to get darkheart some cake! i figured they would like it, i love cake myself, but they like phish a lot. specifically the ones phished up from the crossroads river to blackrock. they said they.. live there. i dunno how, but as long as you’re comfy.
☆ i.. i know how to cook phish pretty well, so i asked for a phish from them and.. cooked it! my signature dish, i cook it all the time, and yet i don’t know what to name it.
☆ man.. that was a REAL mood switch from yesterday.. but, whatever it takes, i guess!
☆ in all honesty, darkheart liked the phish. they gobbled it up like some.. hungry cat you find at the street if you give food to them! imagine that! we also talked about a lot of things, like shadow things and all.
☆ even though they still have a bit of .. anger issues.. i still love them nonetheless!
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funlovinzara · 19 hours ago
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“Speechless” Okarun x reader
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I didn’t know id cause so much trouble, but in the end i met someone who touched my heart…i don’t know if I’ll ever be able to love him.
Warnings: none really
A/n: im back divas 💜 IM SICK AGAIN
______
Okay, lets not start off with “im just a normal person, who attends a totally normal school.” Because its stupid and dumb and i really really just want to explain this whole situation. This school is weird. Ive been experiencing some supernatural things happening to me and i dont feel safe wherever i go and i think something bad might hurt me. I walk home after school one day and i notice the air getting thicker and thicker and i just feel the tense pressure of something following me
I rush home and all i can do is ponder about whats going on with me, am i mental?? Is this some of condition?? Im having nightmares and i cant take it anymore. I cant even talk to anyone about this because i hardly talk to people at this stubborn school…
Besides all the crazy things happening to me, theres this guy I’ve had my eye on, not romantically or anything i just keep seeing him wherever i go and he just sticks out like a sore thumb. I think his name was Ken….im going to talk to him, he seems like the only person who wouldn’t judge me.
I walk up to him and before i could even mutter a “hey” a girl comes first and speaks to him, it seems like they’re close. Suddenly everyone must have a friend besides me, thats so annoying. I’ll speak to him at lunch then. And as i expected, that girl was there again. So i guess i’ll just speak to him afterschool.
“Hey..” i tap his shoulder while walking out the gate of the school. He swiftly turns around looking at me in surprise and quickly blushing. “O..oh hello!”
“I wanted to know if you’d like to be friends…you look really cool and i thought it would be nice.” His face flushes even more “Cool..? Me? Oh- yeah s-sure we can be friends thats totally awesome! Yup! Cool!” He was geeking out, and it was really cute
“Can w-“ before i could speak again he cuts me off. “How about we talk together at lunch tomorrow or if we have the same class..? Its s-super nice to meet you. Im Ken takakura!”
“Oh im y/n l/n, sure we can talk tomorrow” he bows and runs off home, i mean at least i’ll be able to actually talk to him. I start to walk home and the sun starts to set, i really don’t want that feeling to come back again. But it’s not my choice is it..
While i walk home i start to feel it again, the feeling that im being watched. But no it’s way worse this time. My ears start to ring, and i hear footsteps slowly pick up behind me. I start to run home, it wasn’t far anyway, i could make it! I run into a neighborhood I’ve never seen before, but I’ll do anything just to get away.
A blue light appears above my head and i turn around to see 3 large men with a horrifying smile standing behind me. I turn again to sprint for it until they catch me in a millisecond. “What a fine specimen!!! We shall take your banana for inspection.”
“What the heck does that even mean??? Let me go!!” I hear another pair of footsteps and i see..Ken? And that other girl..
“Get em okarun!!” The girl exclaims, and before my own eyes i see okarun leap forward to one of the men holding me, transforming into something so unknown. The aliens are caught off guard and unhand me while i see that other running behind us, a big set of translucent blue arms emerge from her back and grabs on hold on one of the men and slams him.
“Okarun!! Take the girl somewhere else!! I’ll be safe i promise!” This new…person that is ‘okarun’ sighs in laziness “such a drag..” he picks me up bridal style and starts to speed away into a secluded area where the strange men were sure not to search. He lays me down on the concrete floor and i think i recognize this area, this is a part of my neighborhood thankfully!!
I look up at him in disbelief, “your…ken..?” He was prepping to sprint back to where the other girl was but he looks at me instead “in the flesh.” What was up with his lingo..
“..how are you able to do that?” It’s absolutely incredible, i was totally mesmerized, he’s beautiful! “Dunno, i gotta go. Stay safe babe.” He pats my head and then gets into a crouching start position to run, he sprints off and into the night he goes. What just happened, and he called me babe? How am i going to even talk to him tomorrow??
It takes me a minute to get back up and into shape, i make my way back home and i was later than usual. I make myself comfy, shower and change, and hop right into bed. I shut my eyes and start to recap.
‘Alright, what the hell was going on today. Ken is some secret transforming boy, and i guess his nickname is okarun? This other girl has magical powers and i almost got kidnapped by some disgustingly terrifying ‘men’. Based on what I’ve seen today, were those even men?? Im speechless..’ I continue to yap on in my head until i drift off into slumber.
I wake up the next morning trying to figure out if i should just stay home today, but then again i need answers. I quickly hop out of bed and get myself ready while having something small to eat for breakfast. I make my way to campus and i see Ken and that girl again, i really need to get her name..
“Hey Takakura.” While he was speaking to that girl he turns around to look at me, she gives me a glance and her face brightens, it seems like she recognizes me. “Hey y/n, is everything alright?”
“Um yeah no, what even happened last night?? That was totally insane! Do you guys know what was going on it freaked me out, and you turned into some creature and that girl had big arms coming out of her back-“
The girl giggles and cuts me off “okay i know it’s crazy, and I’m momo! What you saw yesterday wasn’t normal i know, it’s a long story. But those men you saw were aliens, thats why they looked so weird. Okarun here has this new ability to transform into something completely new, i have psychic powers.”
My face must have been absolutely confuzzled because they both started to giggle “Don’t worry, we’ll talk more about it at lunch! By the way whats your name?”
“It’s y/n l/n, nice to meet you.” She smiles and rests her arm on my shoulder “Sweet! Cmon okarun, let’s head to class!”
He follows right behind us and my smile fades a bit, that person okarun was…i can feel my heart start to strain. This isn’t good, i think i might like him but every-time i see Okarun and Momo together, they just seem like an unbreakable bond that stays together forever and i might be tinkering and getting in the way of that. I want to go home already.
“Hey y/n, matter of fact how about you come to my place after school? Then we can totally go over everything you’re confused about.”
“Oh, yeah sure! I don’t mind.” They day goes on as it fades into the mist of night. Her house is more larger than i thought, i enter and it has this calming feel to it. I spot Ken taking off his shoes and my hear starts to race a bit, this is making me insane. “Alright Okarun, show em!” I watch him transform again and i see that boy…wow he is so alluring. His droopy sleep eyes and tall slim frame would have anyone at campus falling head over heels
“So this is what you saw yesterday, this form is when he blah blah blah blah…”
I really should have payed attention but i was lost in his thoughtless eyes, and he was staring right back at me. I wonder does this form have the same mind as Okarun or is it someone else? While momo continues to talk, without her noticing he nods his head up at me in a “sup” motion, with his hands in his pockets. He was trying so hard to be cool and he really was. I feel my brain melt to my toes as i nod my head back at him.
“So do you understand?”
I snap back into reality, “Yeah..so what can he really do?”
“Well he can only run really fast, he has no good fighting skills yet.” “Wow, harsh.” He said while leaning back on the while. Momo takes out her phone and looks at the time, she jumps and shrieks “its really late! Hey how about this, you can come over again tomorrow and we can go over how you’re able to see things like this. Okarun since it’s dark outside and you’re a fast runner, take em home!”
“whatevs, I’m the fastest yo.”
We head out the door and he lets me get on his back. “later y/n!”
Ken gets into the crouching start position again and speeds to my neighborhood “quick, where do ya live” I whisper my home into his ear and he quickens the pace all the way until the destination. He slows and gets down, allowing me to step off his back. I was hesitant to walk into my home and i turn around right before he was going to speed back to momos place.
“Cya on the flip side babe.” Seriously does he call everyone babe…but then i realized he was leaving and as he took off i managed to shout “See you tomorrow!!” I see him wave his hand in the air while he ran, this wasn’t so bad. I lay back in my bed ready to disclose for the night, this is crazy.
Will he be someone i can love or am i just going to be a nuisance..?
GUYS I JUST finished watching dandadan please i had to write something y’all idk it set something off in me for real!! bye DIVAS 💜
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samuraisharkie · 5 months ago
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I’m about to log off for the day but let me just say that I love my friends so fucking much you guys are so sweet and supportive I’m so grateful I got to meet people like you. I’m so fucking lucky to be someone that has so many genuine and loyal friends that are not only super talented and kind and intelligent but also such a fantastic support for each other and to me. You guys mean the world to me, I’m so happy and proud to have you as my friend.
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ko-eko-ev-go-ms · 2 years ago
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Brain is braining too much me thinks
#thoughts#oni talks#oni vents#I feel like I’m being torn between 2 futures and I know one isn’t really realistic and is a thing of the past but it’s also like#not only does it feel like giving up but it also feels like I’d have to face the fact that I can’t go back and unexperience some things#that changed me as a person and I know me wanting to go down that path is me trying to go back to when I first started feeling hope for#life again (if I ever had that tbh) & it’s meant so much to me for so long and like I know that I 100% would not be able to have achieved#any of what I’ve achieved now if I hadn’t started that first path. the fact that the second one is even an option is because of the first.#I also wonder how much is on me & it compounds in the severe regret I’ve been having about some recent stuff in my life along with recurrent#realizations and nightmares of the past haunting me & just. it’s so painful I know maybe I’m being dramatic and there’s a possibility that#in the future if it will work out and I can have my cake and eat it too but I genuinely don’t know how realistic that is to achieve#I want to be able to recapture the feelings I had before but there are certain experiences that so thouroughly crushed the person I had#finally begun to build up that I don’t know if that’s truly possible & if I just have to accept that I need to change to face who I am now#I’ve been really stuck recently when it comes to getting better and I know why but I’ve also blocked out so much of it that it’s just like#hard to even work through things you just want to forget and act like they never happened because that’s easier & logically I know it doesnt#work that way but it still feels painful. I feel the weight of my mistakes on my shoulders again. & it’s been resulting in what I know is#a lot of self sabotage & I feel like I should be better than this but I’m not I feel like I’ve regressed & like it wasn’t that long ago that#I literally felt like I was a kid again it was so surreal and strange & gross & I just hate so much of what’s happened in my life but I also#know there’s a lot of good that’s come from it & so it’s hard to process all these awful things when I know if they weren’t there the stuff#that I do love wouldn’t be either. it’s really hard to hope for a future I’ve never experienced. I’ve been meeting so many new people & its#reminded me of how anxious I actually am as a person bc normally I don’t have to face that bc I am by myself or in specific scenarios I’ve#cultivated to be tolerable & i feel like I keep learning things about myself or my experiences that I just don’t want to learn or to exist#& it’s frustrating bc there’s also so much pressure not just from myself but other ppl that I want to be able to pull through & do things#I know are probably not the most realistic but then a part of me is angry at myself at being a coward & wondering if I’m just awful & broken#I’ve been trying to fight back in what ways I can and the results have (usually) been really good but they come with their own prices#I hate how easy it’s become to simultaneously prefer escapism while not feeling like things are bad enough or that there is no escapism#I hate that I keep having moments where I get things and then I just fall again & Ik I’ll get there eventually but I’ve lost so much hope#that I don’t know if it’s even possible to ever get back. the last year or so is just so many ups and downs and new things and idk#I feel so torn because this is a future I foresaw and even wanted at some point and now it feels so heavy & costly & I just feel#like I’m evil & irredeemable or smth & every time I get told the opposite a part of me immediately can’t accept it especially
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entropyvoid · 16 days ago
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Hey can someone who’s experienced jealousy tell me what it feels like? I’ve always wondered about it and I have trouble wrapping my head around that one
#ch.txt#i don’t tend to understand emotions in general but I’ve at least experienced most of the other ones at least once or twice#even if I can’t really remember or picture what they were like bc I have the emotional object permanenc of an actual rock#merely one of the uniquely impressive feats my autistic as hell brain is capable of#but jealousy seems like a weird one to me bc it’s like. only some people ever seem to get it?#but if I’m right I haven’t been able to identify what quality sets jealous people apart#like is there a specific personality prerequisite#i’d like to know so I can understand my cat Jazz better. he gets jealous of the other cats A LOT#can i tell you guys a thing#sometimes when ppl said good personal news I used to go ‘oooo I’m so jealous’ bc that just sorta seemed like the human thing to say#i stopped doing that after a couple friends gave me weird looks one time and it made me ask myself why the hell i did that#i think i automatically say a lot of things I don’t actually mean w/o thinking bc that just seems like it’s how humans ought to work#based on my observations of everyone who isn’t me anyway#which is annoying bc I’ve always been purposefully resistant to just doing shit bc it’s a social norm if it doesn’t have a good reason#12 y/o me would perhaps strangle current me#although I can think of a few things 12 y/o me hated and always thought I’d be above that I ended up not having a lotta choice in in the end#but that’s besides the point#i’ve been trying to undo that in myself lately#anyway that’s my malfunction can someone tell me about theirs#specifically involving jealousy
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insanechayne · 3 months ago
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~ ~ ~
#I think I’m lonely in a way I can’t fully describe#I have a partner and friends and family but still often feel alone even when I’m with them#I don’t feel close to anyone at times and I don’t know if it’s outside circumstances or just me#like with my partner being asexual we don’t really do certain activities that I’d like to partake in more often and I can’t hold it against#them for how they do/don’t feel but at the same time I’m craving a physical connection I can’t have and am struggling#doesn’t help that I think about sex all the time nowadays and would really like to be having it and experiencing/exploring certain things#it’s not always easy to take care of oneself that way and still also try to console the ace partner apologizing for who they are#and yeah hall passes are great but only if you have someone to use it on and I’ve never had anyone want to be with me sexually#moving on to bestie I don’t feel my same love and affection being reciprocated and that sucks because I really do anything I can for him#and am like that with pretty much all of mt friends where if they need me for something I’ll be there#but a lot of the time it seems like he really only wants to talk/hang out with me if he’s at work and I can come visit with him#any time I invite him to do something with me outside of work he flakes and so it’s not even worth inviting him anymore#and yeah there’s rare times where he’ll call me a bunch in one day but it’s always just to tell me some gossip from work#not that gossip isn’t fun but still don’t you want to jus talk to me? I always want to just talk to you even if it’s about nothing at all#I’m always the one putting myself out there for him and being there for him when he calls me but I almost never get that same response back#and it’s like I know he has a family so I know he can’t always drop everything for me nor would I ever expect that but just some matching of#my energy would be nice you know? but then I feel guilty/selfish because I feel like I shouldn’t ask that of him when he does have a life#away from work. and I mean I guess I do too but it’s different because partner and I don’t have kids and don’t do much aside from sit around#together or have tea or other things most often done at home. and I don’t live with partner full time yet so I also still have other freedom#outside of just being with them. and other responsibilities I take care of but not on the same level as a wife and kids I guess#idk now I just feel like I’m whining but tbh all this stuff is weighing on me and just making me feel really shitty#I don’t know how to fix these issues without sounding like a selfish bitch and I’m obviously not going to cut anyone off but I don’t really#see any other solutions forming either. so it’s like I guess I’ll just keep my mouth shut and keep feeling bad until the end of time since#that’s the easiest thing to do and then no one else is hurt or upset aside from me#I just feel like I’m destined to float through life never getting back what I need from my relationships but still giving everything because#I don’t know any other way to be. I don’t know how to set boundaries even for myself so I’ll just keep giving and giving until I’m dead#and yeah I guess I am still a lot happier than I used to be and I appreciate the people in my life#just sometimes feels like they don’t really appreciate me back is all#so now I have to lay here next to partner and have all this shit running in my mind and try to get over it on my own#reasonably I should just go to bed but the loneliness is gnawing at me and idk what to do to make it go away
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angelmelon · 4 months ago
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if another radfem “LGB” uses conversion therapy/catholic anti-gay terms instead of inclusive queer terms to “differentiate” from trans people again I will publicly kill myself with a guillotine
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luna-azzurra · 2 months ago
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Some Tips for writing internal conflict
Wanting Two Things at Once Imagine your character really wants to chase after something big, like a dream school, a major opportunity, or maybe even moving to a new city. But at the same time, they’re terrified of leaving behind everything they’ve ever known. Or maybe they’re in a relationship that’s holding them back, but they can’t bring themselves to let go. Show them getting pulled in two directions, torn between their ambition and their fear of losing the people or places that ground them.
Right vs. Wrong Sometimes, your character will know deep down what the right choice is, but it’s the most difficult one to make. Like, maybe they see someone getting bullied and know they should stand up, but doing so could make them a target. Or maybe they have to decide between helping a friend and doing something that could ruin their own future. These moral dilemmas create intense internal conflict because it forces them to question who they are and what they stand for.
Doubting Themselves We all have moments where we wonder if we’re enough, smart enough, strong enough, brave enough. Let your character wrestle with that same doubt. Maybe they’re the kid who has always been told they’re special, but now they’re in a place where everyone is just as good, and they start to wonder if they even belong. Or maybe they’ve been through something tough, and they’re not sure if they can bounce back. These moments of insecurity make your character feel human, like they’re trying to figure it all out, just like everyone else.
Dreams vs. Fears Show your character dreaming big but getting frozen by their own fears. It’s like wanting to ask someone out but being terrified of rejection, or wanting to move away for college but being scared to leave home. Let them imagine all the things that could go wrong , that moment when fear makes them doubt if they should even try. But also show their desire burning just as strong, making it impossible to ignore. That’s the heart of internal conflict: they’re stuck between wanting something so bad and being afraid of what it’ll cost to go after it.
Beliefs Being Challenged As your character grows, the world will start challenging their beliefs. Maybe they grew up in a family that drilled certain values into them, and now they’re meeting people who see things differently. Or maybe they’re experiencing something new, and it’s changing their perspective. It’s like when you think you have everything figured out, and then life throws something at you that makes you go, "Wait, maybe I’ve been wrong this whole time." This kind of internal conflict is powerful because it forces the character to question who they’ve always been.
Keeping Secrets If your character is hiding something, like a mistake they made, feelings they’re afraid to admit, or a truth they don’t want to face, that secret becomes a huge part of their internal conflict. The fear of being found out or of dealing with the consequences can create a constant pressure in their mind. Maybe they’re scared they’ll lose their friends if the truth comes out, or maybe they’re dealing with guilt they can’t shake. The tension comes from their battle to keep it hidden while knowing they can’t keep it locked away forever.
Pressure from Everyone Your character might feel like they’re trapped between what they want for themselves and what everyone else wants from them. It could be pressure from parents, who have their whole future planned out, or pressure from friends to fit in or follow the crowd. Maybe your character wants to be true to themselves, but they’re scared of disappointing people or standing out too much. This kind of internal conflict is super relatable because, at some point, everyone feels like they’re stuck between living for themselves and living for others.
Fear of Failing Sometimes the biggest obstacle isn’t the external challenge but the internal fear of failure. Your character might have big dreams, but they’re paralyzed by the thought of messing up. Whether it’s competing in a sport, performing on stage, or just trying something new, the fear of not being good enough can be overwhelming. Maybe they’re afraid that if they fail, everyone will see them differently, or worse, that they’ll see themselves differently. The internal conflict comes from their desire to succeed battling against their crippling fear of failure.
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myfictionaldreams · 1 year ago
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Day 6: Dry Hump- James Potter
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Summary: James Potter was your best friend, and he was unequivocally in love with Lily Evans. However, he has one secret he trusts only with you: he’s never kissed anyone.
Tags: 18+ readers only, smut, inexperienced James & experienced Reader, friends with benefits vibes, kissing/making out, dry humping, cumming in pants, teasing, nearly caught
Part 2 // Part 3
masterlist 📚 
kinktober masterlist😈 
AO3 Link 
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James Potter was your best friend. He had many best friends, including the other Marauders and fellow Gryffindors, but he was YOUR best friend and had been since the first year at Hogwarts. James was the one person you always ran to and shared all happy memories with; if you needed cheering up, he’d be the only one who could pull a smile to your lips. It had always been just the two of you until he became infatuated with Lily Evans.
It had been years of hearing about how wonderful Lily was, which you knew anyway as she was your friend. Finally, you convinced her to say yes to one date with James, even though she did wait until everyone was finishing their time at Hogwarts and about to graduate. He’d waited long enough, and you were thrilled to see him getting his dream date.
This was until he casually announced one day, “I’ve never kissed anyone”.
He’d mumbled it to himself under his breath. James had gone from pure exhilarated joy to fear and doubt at the weight he’d put on his shoulders for having to be the perfect date for Lily. You’d taken him to the Shrieking Shack to try and get away from everyone else so that James could blow off some steam, but all he’d done so far was sulk in his armchair and stare into the fire whilst waiting for Sirius and Remus to join after their lesson.
Then, out of the blue, he admitted his secret that he had yet to kiss anyone. A frown dawns on you as you turn away from the book in your hand to inspect the messy-haired Marauder next to you visually. “What?” you asked with a hint of uncertainty as if he was telling the truth, “How have you never kissed anyone before?” Your mind raced to all of the parties in the Gryffindor tower where most people, including yourself, had made out with others, but now that you thought about it, you’d never seen James lip-locked with anyone else.
It was James’ turn to frown as he looked at you blankly, “When would I have had time? I’ve just wanted to be with Lily, and she’s always said no when I’ve asked before. Anyway, I don’t see why you’re saying it in that tone; it’s not like you’ve been kissing loads of people”. You give James a tight-lipped smile to show that he was, in fact, very wrong with that statement. His eyes widen as he realises the truth, “Wait, you have? Since when?”
“James, how can you be shocked? I’ve kissed plenty of people before, especially during those parties with the fire whiskey that Sirius always steals for us. You wander off with the Marauders or fawn over Lily, and what am I supposed to do? Stand on my own? Absolutely not, I go and find some fun”.
Your best friend’s mouth drops open in shock. Still, he quickly covers it up by looking away grumpily, “Great, so I’m the only person in our year who hasn’t kissed anyone, and now, I’m going to take Lily out, and she’s going to refuse to see me again because I don’t know what I’m doing, we’re going to finish school, and I’ll never see her again, and I’ll die alone!”.
You couldn’t help but laugh at his over-the-top rant, shutting the book with a loud snap and facing him completely whilst still in your chair. “James, you need to chill out a bit; I’m sure it’ll be fine. Do you really think Lily’s been going around snogging loads of boys? I’m sure she’s just as inexperienced as you”.
James’ shoulders dropped in relief as he turned back towards you with hope in his hazel eyes, “Do you think so?”
Your face immediately gave it away that you’d been lying as you sighed, “Ok, I might have seen her making out with a Ravenclaw a year ago, but still, I wouldn’t worry about it! You’ll be excellent! You’re James Potter, the Gryffindor King, a founding Marauder and Gryffindor Seeker. You can sure as hell make out with Lily Evans correctly”.
The pretty Marauder smiled thankfully at your dramatic declaration, “That’s true, thanks, Sweetheart”. Relaxing back into your seat, the book returned to your hand, assuming the conversation was officially over. However, only a moment later, James is whining pathetically, “But what if I’m not good? What if I hurt her or lick her wrong or-”.
“Lick? Why are you licking her, James? I thought we were on about kissing?”
“We are! But you know, people use tongues and-”
“James, I don’t know what you want me to say; if you’re that petrified with kissing, why don’t we practice a little so you can stop freaking out”. It took you a couple of long seconds before the offer you’d just given him genuinely dawned on you. You weren’t sure why you had said it, expecting him to say no but wishing for him to calm down and thinking this was the only option.
James’ head snapped towards you, giving his full attention as he asked, “Wait, you’d do that?” He pushed himself up off the chair's arms, and his eyes were wide and hopeful again.
Lowering the book, you spoke slowly, “Yeah, sure. I mean, it’s just a kiss, and at least we’re friends, so no feelings have to be involved”.
“Yeah, that's a good point! Okay, right, so, um, how do we do this? Do I come over to you, or do we stand?”
Sighing at James, you stood abruptly, dropping the book and strutting to him with arms swinging. The marauder sits up suddenly, taking his feet off the stool he had been resting on as he stares up at you with wide eyes that you can see the whites of his eyes beneath his glasses. “What are you doing?” He questions uncertainly as you straddle his lap without a word, your knees resting on either side of his toned thighs, your fingers slipping around his neck and interlocking at the base of his skull.
“I’m going to kiss you, James. Is that alright with you?” You didn’t mean to sound sassy as you asked with a single raised questioning eyebrow, but you also needed to make sure that he was happy for this to continue.
Those two wide hazel eyes stared at your lips, licking his own to moisten as he slowly nodded, “Uh yeah, just tell me what to do.” A pang of sympathy rushed through your chest at seeing James becoming nervous, which was not usually a sight that you had to see as he was usually such a confident, happy person. You would have spent some time to explain that it was normal to be nervous during your first kiss, but you didn’t want to allow any more time for him to freak out, so loosening your intern locked fingers, you moved them to cup each of her freshly shaved cheeks and pressed your lips delicately against his. You wanted it to be quick enough that he didn’t even have time to tense, even though he did proceed to lock up as you moved back to assess his reaction.
“See, it’s not so scary. You’re supposed to enjoy this, James”. Thankfully, as your face lowered once more, he forced himself to take a steadying breath and relax the tension in his muscles as your lips caressed his.
They were softer than you’d anticipated, plump and smooth like a pillow and instantly, your eyes and his close. However, James surprised you by moving his first. His hand lifted and rested on your hip so gently that you hardly felt it until he gave your body a little squeeze to test the waters of how much he could get into the moment. So you rewarded him by pressing your face harder against his, lips beginning to move and rubbing against each other on instinct.
James even amazed himself with how naturally and quickly he could make out with you. Tilting your head, you deepened the kiss, nose pressing into his cheek so that you could smell his skin that had remnants of his aftershave, which was always spicy and woodsy. As the air became necessary, you pulled back enough to take deep, greedy breaths, now noticing he was doing the same thing but looking up at you with half-lidded eyes.
“So what did you think-”
James didn’t allow your sentence to finish as his other hand cupped along your jaw, pulling your face closer again until the two of you kissed with much more heat with the movements. His mouth opened wider to match how yours was moving against his; your heartbeat quickened as you leaned further into his tall, warm body, melting into his touch and kiss.
Then you wanted to take a risk and licked his bottom lip, which you were ultimately greeted with a praising deep groan of satisfaction that vibrated James’ entire chest and sent tingles straight to your core.
Ok, wow, you thought as James attempted and succeeded with his own lick back against your tongue; you were definitely getting turned on by this. As if he was reading your mind, James pressed harder on your hips, willing you to move down, which you did, your skirt pushing up on your thighs so that when you sat on his crotch, your panty-covered pussy was flush against the material of his trousers.
As one, the two of you pulled away from each other. Mainly because you were now sitting on his very hard erection and also because he knew you could feel his evidence of being aroused. You both stare at each other with wide, unblinking eyes, lips slightly swollen and the taste of his spit still on your tongue.
However, you didn’t want to stop and awkwardly sit back in your seat, and he wasn’t rushing to push you off, either. You were horny, and so was he. Yes, James Potter was your best friend, but that didn’t have to matter; you just wanted him to enjoy the moment and show that it wasn’t as scary as he thought.
Enough time passed, and if he didn’t want to continue, he would have said something by now, so you took the opportunity to lean back in, your thumb attempting to soothe him, stroking across his cheek in timid circles. As your mouths reconnected, your hips ground down on his crotch. You were hoping that he knew enough about anatomy to tell that the warmth from your pussy was a sign of arousal, wanting him to know you were just as turned on as he was.
You do it a few more times, rubbing back and forth with increasing pressure until James makes a pained noise that has you stopping altogether and checking in on him.
He’s looking everywhere but at you, as he apologises, “Sorry, it’s just these trousers are tight and rubbing me painfully”.
“You could just take them off”, you say once again, not thinking before you speak. James looks at you with dramatically wide eyes as he, too, realised what you’d just said. Quickly, you clarified, “I’m not saying that to have sex or anything; I just mean, we could kinda carry on doing what we are doing, but if your trousers are hurting, then just in your boxers”.
You’re surprised by his automatic response of a nod, yes, his arousal blocking all thoughts of Lily as he begins to undo his belt easily. Rising onto your knees to give him room, he pushed the offending material until his thighs were bare and his plaid boxers were on display, barely containing his length. Not wanting him to feel exposed, you lowered yourself once more, and both groaned at the contact, yours at a higher pitch as you could feel the entire outline of his cock against your cunt.
James was bigger than you’d thought and was currently pointing down his left thigh, so you angled your hips in this direction. Tilting your hips forward slightly, your clit grazed along his shaft, causing a hitch in your breath as it caused pleasure to pool in your abdomen, moisture slickening your hole with each movement.
You’re breathing just as heavily as he is, lips still moving against each other, exploring, tasting, needing more. You were kind of proud of him when he moved his face down your jaw, leaving open-mouthed kisses and causing more pleasure to pulse through you. You were half tempted to rise onto your knees again to show him the evidence of your arousal that had soaked through your panties and onto his boxers, but you didn’t want it to stop.
As your fingers delved into his messy black hair to hold his face closer, he thrust his hips up against yours to add to his stimulation. He was still apprehensive, so he didn’t push too hard, but he rocked back and forth until his tip was pressed against your clothed folds. The muscular thighs beneath yours tensed with each thrust, the muscles defined from all his years of playing quidditch.
His hands remained in place, one on the opposite side of your jaw to where his mouth still kissed, and the other hand helped to move your hips back and forth in time with his own ruts. You’d never actually gotten off like this with anyone before. Usually, underwear would be removed at this point, and more direct contact could occur, but it was still exciting to have some barriers between you. The lace of your underwear was quite rough against your most sensitive area, especially your engorged throbbing clit. You were sure to be sore afterwards, especially with the amount of pressure you were rubbing against each other; with each passing second, the need to find completion made you both desperate.
As his lips found yours again, his tongue began to delve and explore the hollow of your mouth, along your palate and even over your teeth; your pussy began to clench, fire blooming in your core with the impending release.
Pulling back, your fingers moved to rest on his shoulders to hold on tighter as you quickly moaned, “Please don’t stop; I’m going to cum”.
James moaned huskily, out of breath, but both of his hands were now on your hips, moving both his hips and yours faster to find his orgasm. Resting your forehead on his, you both shared the same area, still tasting the other in your mouths, sweat beginning to coat your faces. You were sure you could feel his own wet patch against your arse cheek from where precum was dribbling from his tip and staining his underwear. 
“Ah, fuck- James!” your head tilts back as you finally orgasm, thighs shaking and pussy fluttering around nothing. However, just as you were beginning to come down from your pleasurable high, James suddenly grabbed you painfully, both arms wrapping around your waist as he sat up further on the chair, nearly knocking you off of him if it wasn't for his grip around your midsection. Reassuringly your arms wrapped around his shoulders as his face nuzzled into your chest, his body shivering as thick spurts of cum soaked his boxers.
His moans were like music to your ears and sounded slightly pathetic, making you cling to him more, attempting to run your fingers through his hair to calm the crazy style, but to no avail. Your pussy felt like it was on fire due to the rough stimulation and the untouched orgasm, but it felt so good you savoured the sensation for a few minutes whilst trying to catch your breath.
“There you go, Potter. Not only have you kissed a girl for the first time, but you’ve also made her cum”.
James laughs, loosening his grip slightly to look up at you, but then you both hear the worst noise imaginable: voices from a few floors below, especially those of Sirius and Remus. You scrambled to your feet, straightening your clothes and sitting back in your chair, picking up the book and opening it to a random page as James pulled up his trousers, both of you ignoring the bodily juices completely.
James just about had his feet back on the footstool before Sirius and Remus walked in, but both immediately halted and looked between you and James. It was Sirius who spoke first, eyes squinting in accusation, “Why do you both look so guilty right now? What did you do?”
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smileysuh · 1 month ago
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deal maker
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🌙 starring. Jeon Wonwoo x afab!Reader
🔮 preview. You grasp at the blanket on his bed, writhing beneath him while he licks and sucks and- fuck, he just knows you so well- there’s no need for direction, no awkward moments of exploration, he just… he knows what to do, and it drives you wild. You’re completely in the moment, experiencing a raw pleasure you’ve only ever read about in erotica.
tw/cw. Unprotected sex, breast worship, pussy eating, overstimulation, dirty talk, praise, multiple sex positions, multiple reader orgasms, cumming together, dry humping, foreplay, slight corruption kink, etc… I pet names: (hers) sweetheart. 
👹 rating. 18+ explicit I wc. 8.7k
🍭 aus. uni/frat au, Halloween, supernatural/demon au, etc…
☀️ mlist + an.  Happy Halloween!
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One: her
If it weren’t for the fact that you’re in the middle of a library, you might just scream. You know your workload increases with each year you’re in university, but there’s something sinister about the amount of book-related essays you have right before Halloween.
You’re doing your best to focus, and you’ve read the entirety of the ‘Frankenstein’ book that you’re supposed to be analyzing, but you just can’t find words.
A massive sigh escapes you, and your best friend, Hwasa, casts you a sideways glance. “You good, babes?” she asks.
“I just- I can’t do this,” you groan. “It’s a completely open ended prompt- I could write about anything I want to, and all things considered, five thousand words isn’t the longest essay ever- but, damn, I seriously can’t think right now.”
She nods sympathetically. “Do you really think you’re at rock bottom on this?”
“I don’t see how I could go any lower.”
“Okay, well,” she scoots her chair closer to you, her voice lowering, “i wouldn’t suggest this otherwise, but uh- have you ever thought about contacting the Sigma Veta Tau demon?”
“The what?” you stare at her blankly.
“Of course you wouldn’t know about him, you’re a goody goody,” Hwasa sighs. “Basically, there’s this guy in the SVT frat who makes deals and does your work for you.”
“What’s this have to do with being a demon?”
“I’m pretty sure that’s just a weird myth- basically, this guy helped me with an essay last year worth thirty percent of my grade. All he asked for was a family heirloom, and I think it’s his weird choice of price for favours that get him the whole ‘demon’ thing cuz he doesn’t usually ask for money like other dudes who write your papers would.”
“How did you do? On the essay?” you ask.
“Got an A. He doesn’t overdo it, he does enough to get you a good grade but not so good it’s obvious you didn’t do the work.”
“So… is he an actual demon, or?” You cock your head to the side, trying to understand the whole demon relevance.
“Nah, like I said, he’s just some hot nerd who wrote my essay. It wasn’t sketchy at all.”
“And he does this for a lot of people?”
“I’ve heard about a few. I know his friend Dokyeom was close to failing his Kinesiology course and somehow Wonwoo did his final exam for him and helped him pass.”
You let out a small laugh. You’re familiar with the Sigma Veta Tau frat, and DK is a well known figure there- getting someone to help him pass Kinesiology is very characteristic to the loud gym bro. “Wait, but, how did Wonwoo pull it off? They ID you at the final exams, don’t they?”
Hwasa shrugs. “I guess the dude pulls off miracles every once in a blue moon, maybe that’s part of his ‘demonic’ reputation.”
“Are we sure this a good idea?” you ask.
“Making a deal with the Devil?” Hwasa clarifies. “Of course, what could go wrong?”
You laugh at her choice of words. 
This Wonwoo guy definitely isn’t the Devil… and even if he was, what would making a deal with him even really include? 
You’re skeptical to say the least, but looking back at your worn out book, and your laptop document open with zero words- you begin to wonder if maybe this Wonwoo guy is a good way to solve your current predicament. 
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Two:
Wonwoo quite enjoys living on campus. He loves the onslaught to his senses every time he’s out and about, mingling with university kids who have way too much on their plate. No one ever notices him, no one ever notices the things that are slightly… off about him, they’re much too busy focusing on this week’s term paper, or this week’s quiz.
No, Wonwoo’s extremely happy being exactly where he is. He’s lounging in a coffee shop that connects to the book store, his eyes darting from person to person, assessing-
That’s when his gaze locks with someone familiar.
Hwasa had come to him last year, needing an essay completed. It had been one of Wonwoo’s easier tasks, as he’s read the source material upwards of twenty times in his long life. He’s seen her around campus a few times since then, but she’s never approached him, not the way she is now.
“Hi, Wonwoo!” Hwasa grins, demenour as bubbly as ever. 
The frat boy simply nods, his gaze turning to assess you as you stand next to your friend.
“This is y/n,” Hwasa introduces you. “She’s actually struggling with an essay right now-”
“Hate to hear about an academic struggle,” Wonwoo interrupts, “especially while enjoying my coffee.” His eyes return to you again. “If you ever need a tutor, you should swing by the frat.”
“I would appreciate that,” you nod, a little breathless.
It’s clear there’s something off about you too- your heard rate is going faster than the average rate, and you’re finding it difficult to meet his gaze. 
Ah, things click in Wonwoo’s head, this particular set of responses isn’t something he’s unfamiliar with. Many girls react this way to him, getting ‘flustered,’ as humans would say.
However, what is unfamiliar, is the way Wonwoo himself is reacting to it. He finds it cute, endearing in a way- as opposed to the annoyed feeling he usually gets when women are easily infatuated with him.
“Here,” Wonwoo breathes smoothly, picking up a pen from his notepad. “Give me your hand.”
Your gaze flickers to Hwasa for a moment, and then you’re reaching forward. Wonwoo grasps your wrist, enjoying the warmth of your skin and the way you jolt from his touch. He quickly writes his phone number down on your inner palm. “Give me a call about tutoring you sometime, we can discuss details then.”
“O-okay,” you nod, immediately taking your hand back when he’s finished, cradling it close to your chest.
“If that’s all you two have to say to me,” Wonwoo breathes, looking between you and Hwasa, “I’d love to get back to my coffee.”
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Three:
“Hey, I’m at the frat, where are you?” you ask as you answer your best friend’s call. You feel so awkward just standing here, trying to look like you belong even though you’re sure you stand out in the all boys frat village.
“Babes, I’m so sorry- I’m at this study group and it’s going mega late, I didn’t even realize the time and I’m across campus-”
You let out a sigh. “Are you seriously going to make me do this alone?”
“You’ll be fine!” Hwasa assures you. “Wonwoo won’t bite, it’s the daylight after all.”
She giggles, and you roll your eyes. You’re still not sure how you feel about this whole ‘demon’ thing, and you’d be lying if you said you weren’t a little afraid to enter a fratboy den of wolves alone.
“You’ve got this,” Hwasa says again. “If you need anything, just text me, and remember, I stalk your snapchat location so if anything happens-”
“Yeah, yeah,” you sigh. “Okay, I can do this.”
“That’s the spirit!” 
You hang up on Hwasa, taking a deep breath and turning to the front door. You approach cautiously, raising your hand and knocking three times.
It takes a couple of moments, but eventually, a man opens the door. You recougnize Jeonghan, he’s the frat president’s right hand man, a business major with a reputation for hitting on every girl he meets.
“Well, look who it is,” Jeonghan grins, leaning against the doorframe with his shoulder while he shovels some cereal into his mouth from the bowl in his hand.
He’s in an oversized white shirt and sweatpants, you’d bet he hasn’t been to classes today- and fuck it, he looks handsome, all the SVT men do.
“Sorry, hi, I’m here for Wonwoo, but I don’t think we’ve actually met,” you say awkwardly, holding out a hand.
Jeonghan’s gaze falls to your extended palm, and he chuckles. “Wonwoo gets all the cute girls,” he says, moving away from the door frame to let you inside, “but none of them ever stick around.”
“I’m here to study,” you try to explain.
“Sure you are,” Jeonghan rolls his eyes. You follow him through the entryway living space, pausing as he heads back into the connected kitchen. “Wonwoo’s room is the third floor, first door on the left.” You stand there for a few moments, and Jeonghan cocks his head to the side. “You have no clue where the stairs are, do you?” 
“Nope.”
“That door,” he points with his spoon. “Don’t get lost.”
He’s a bit of an odd one, and with a final thank you, you scurry away, following his directions past a door and up three flights of stairs. You pause outside the first room on the left, swallowing thickly before you knock.
“Come in!” Wonwoo’s voice calls out. 
Before you can push the door open, it opens by itself, and you half expect Wonwoo to be standing there- only to find him seated on his bed with a book in his hands.
He’s in a black hoodie and matching sweatpants. His hood is up, but his dark curls are poking out, toying with the rims of glasses that set of the sharp angles of his face. 
“What was your name again?” he asks.
“Uh-” you cough. “Y/N.” The door opening by itself had freaked you out, and you wonder how true the whole demon thing is- God, that’s been on your mind a lot.
“Come in, relax, and tell me what I can do for you,” he instructs, using his foot to push out a chair near his bed. 
You swallow thickly again, closing the door behind you and approaching. You take a seat, letting out a breath. “So basically I have an essay on Frankenstein- have you read it?”
“Of course. Have you?” he counters.
“Yeah, I’ve read it, but uh… anyways, it’s due on Halloween, which is two weeks away, and I have so many other essays to write-”
“What’s the topic?”
“Open ended.”
“How many words?”
“Five thousand.”
“That doesn’t seem very hard,” he muses with a grin, slotting a marker between his pages so he can rest his book on his chest, getting a better look at you.
“Usually it wouldn’t be, but I’m just blanking- I don’t even know where to start.” You release a stressed breath. “So I brought a family heirloom.”
Wonwoo just looks at you, the corners of his mouth twitching in amusement.
“Hwasa said she paid you last time with her grandmothe’rs broach?” you try to explain.
“My price is different for everyone,” Wonwoo tells you, holding out a hand. “Let’s see what you brought.”
“It’s my aunt’s.” You give the necklace to him. “She got it to me to celebrate graduating highschool and getting into university.”
Wonwoo inspects the delicate silver chain, looking at the crescent moon charm with an opal in the middle. “It’s obviously valuable,” he says, handing it back to you, “but I can tell it’s not very sentimental.”
“So…” you fidget with the necklace in your palm, “what do you want?”
Wonwoo’s eyes begin to scan your form, and suddenly you feel very uncomfortable. It’s as if he’s undressing you in his mind, and it makes you fidget in your seat. His gaze lands on your chest, and you fight the urge to cover your tits-
He sits up, reaching forward- You hold your breath as his fingers brush by your collar bones, too close to the swell of your breasts for your liking- and then he’s lifting your necklace, leaning even closer to inspect it.
You can feel his breath on your skin, and he’s so close- God, why is something as simple as this so erotic? You’ve dealt with pretty boys before, but there’s something about a pretty, nerdy, dangerous boy- 
“Where did you get this?” he asks, thumb smoothing across the golden heart attached to the chain on your neck.
It’s hard to find your voice, but after a moment, you’re able to respond. “It was uh- it was from my last boyfriend.”
“An ex?” His gaze lifts to you.
“Yeah.” You can feel your skin heating.
“And you didn’t get rid of it?”
“I figure I bought him a bunch of stuff while we were dating, pretty sure this was only fifty bucks or something, so I guess I thought I deserved to keep it.”
Wonwoo nods. You watch his gaze dip to your lips, just for a moment, and then he’s releasing your necklace and leaning back into his bed again. “That will work.”
“It will?” you ask in shock.
“Uh huh. There’s a certain sort of sentimentality to it. Also… even though you say you kept it because you deserved it, buying him so many things or whatever, I think it’s a shame that a pretty girl like you is still holding onto something from the past, instead of looking at your future. I’ll take it off your hands, and you can progress now, with more than just your essay.”
You wonder what sort of motive Wonwoo has, what significance a necklace from your ex actually has on a man who’s practically a stranger.
“Okay,” you murmur, reaching behind your throat to undo the clasp. “So… how does this work now?”
“A five thousand word open ended essay on Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein…” Wonwoo takes his glasses off, wiping them with his hoodie. “I guess, you give me some time to think it through, I text you, and you come see me again.”
You watch the way he puts his spectacles back onto his face- it’s shocking how small, simple, mundane motions can be so beautiful when completed by a man like him.
“Okay,” you nod. “I guess… I’ll see you in a couple of days.”
“You will,” he agrees. “Bye for now.”
He relaxes against his pillows, lifting his book and immediately turning his attention to it.
You stand up and leave without another word, your heart racing in your chest.
Once you’re outside the frat house, you call Hwasa. 
“So how did it go?” she asks. “He didn’t kill you, so that’s good news!”
“He also didn’t want the family heirloom,” you sigh.
“So what did he want?”
“My necklace, you know, the one from my ex.”
“That’s weird, why would he want that?”
“Hell if I know,” you groan. “Hwasa… he’s not an actual demon, right?”
“Of course not!” she laughs.
You wish you were as certain as she is. There’s definitely something otherworldly about Jeon Wonwoo, and one of these days, you’re going to put your finger on exactly what is different about him from any other man you’ve ever met. 
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Four:
Wonwoo is standing by his window, examining the necklace in his hand. It’s such a simple little thing, but there’s so much energy tied to it. Wonwoo can see the dark aura- a tie to a past that it’s clear you’d rather forget.
Usually, Wonwoo collects items with soul ties. Family heirlooms are the easiest, as they’re connected to multiple people in different generations. When one of those people with a soul connection to the item dies, Wonwoo deams if they’re a worthy enough spirit to take as payment for his favours.
In Hwasa’s case, both of her grandparents had died recently. The grandmother had gone first, followed quickly by the grandfather, and it was the older male that Wonwoo had chosen to take for himself. His soul had been dark, a signifier of the evil in his heart when he’d been on earth.
For a demon, Wonwoo actually likes humans. He only accepts contracts that allow him to collect on bad souls, souls that he deems worthy of eternal damnation. 
Many of his kind have asked him why he’d chosen a university to call home, and in simple terms, it’s because at heart, Wonwoo has an erudite flecked soul. He loves learning, more than he’s ever loved being a demon.
He got to a point in his life where he figured, if he was going to be around forever, he might as well learn everything.
Besides all that, university is easy, students come to him, he hardly had to do any work. Students are always anxious, always busy and in need of support to get work done. They hardly think of the heirloom they pawned off to a frat boy in return for an essay or a test- and since Wonwoo waits for natural deaths to collect the souls tied to the items, there’s no harm no fowl.
With all of this being said, Wonwoo’s not used to taking an item like yours. There are only two souls tied to it, your own, and your ex boyfriend’s… Wonwoo knows which one he’ll collect.
He’s not sure why he feels protective of you… there’s just something in your aura that calls to him, something he can’t explain. 
He knows that this job will be different, in more ways than one, but something inside of Wonwoo is ready for the change, after all,  it’s been a very long time coming.
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Five:
“You’re back,” Jeonghan muses when he opens the door to the frat for you. “That’s a first.”
“Hi,” you say meekly, forcing a smile. You’re still not sure how you feel about any of this, and knowing that what Wonwoo’s doing with you is unusual doesn’t help ease your anxieties.
“He’s in the kitchen,” Jeonghan sighs, opening the door wider so you can pass. As you move by him, a hand wraps around your wrist, stopping you in your tracks. “He’s never cooked for anyone, so, just keep that in mind.”
God, these men are so odd-
You find Wonwoo in the kitchen, his back to you. He’s in a black t-shirt and it stretches tight across his broad shoulders. His curls are a little messy, as if he’s been sleeping, and when he turns to you, you find he’s not wearing his glasses.
Why is he just as pretty without glasses as he is with glasses?
This feels unfair. This feels like- well, it shouldn’t be legal, for starters.
“Hey.” Wonwoo flashes you a smile and you just about melt. You can feel your skin heating, and you hate how your body betrays you, betrays the inner lustings that take over every time you look at this nerdy hot frat boy.
“Hi,” you respond, feeling like a complete idiot as you approach Wonwoo.
“You hungry?” He looks down at the pan in front of him. “I’ve been making steak and eggs.”
“Actually, I’m really just here about the essay,” you try to explain.
“Oh, right.” Wonwoo focuses on the sunny side up egg he’s making, “Give me one sec.”
You watch him finish up his meal. You’re not used to watching a man cook, and you're surprised at how skilled he is. There’s something very attractive about the way he shovels the egg out of the pan, adding it to his plate with the finished steak. 
“Okay, let’s go.” Wonwoo leads you back up to his room. He takes a seat at his work table. “You can go on the bed,” he suggests, cutting open an egg. You watch the orange yolk drip, the way he scoops some up with steak.
He’s way too attractive. 
“You sure you don’t want any?” he asks. “It’s perfectly medium rare.”
“A little too rare for me,” you admit, immediately realizing your mistake. “It looks amazing, sorry, I’m just not hungry.” 
“Sounds good. So let's talk your essay.”
“Okay.”
“I’ve decided I’m not going to write it for you.”
“What?” It feels like the air is knocked out of your chest, and you stare at Wonwoo in confusion. “But uh… you took my necklace, and you wrote Hwasa’s essay-”
“It’s busy season.” Wonwoo waves his fork around absentmindedly. “The deal is, you come here, we work together, and when you need help, I’ll help. When you need a final edit, I’ll final edit.”
“Uh…” Your mind is spinning. “If you’re not going to help, I can really just do it myself.”
“I think we both know my help will be important,” Wonwoo points out. “Look, you’re a good girl. Don’t you want to feel like you did it yourself? When you came here the first time, I noticed you were hesitant, I don’t think this is something you’re used to doing.”
“I’m not,” you admit, shocked at his ability to read you. 
“With a five thousand word count, this will only take two or three hard study sessions top, in fact, since I have my steak and eggs, we can start now.”
“I didn’t even bring my book-”
“I’ve got a copy right here.” Wonwoo spins his chair, reaching for his bookshelf. He pulls out a worn version of Frankenstein, handing it to you. “I’ve got notes in here, if you want to flip through it, I’m sure you’ll find something to inspire your essay.”
You take a deep breath.
Should you do this? Should you sit here and study with him? What was the point of giving him your necklace if he’s not going to write it for you?
“You’ll keep me on track?” you ask.
Wonwoo offers you a lopsided grin. “Uh huh.”
You take a deep breath. “Okay, let’s do this.”
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Six:
It’s your second session with Wonwoo. You’ve been carrying his version of Frankenstein around like a bible- the notes, carefully hand written into the margins, are so insightful and inspiring. At this point, you’ve reread the whole book just to get a chance to understand Wonwoo’s musings on every page.
You feel alight with determination, and your thoughts feel focused- you’re as focused with Wonwoo as you’ve ever been, which feels odd given how distracting he is.
It’s intimate in a way, to be so close to him, doing your own work while sharing a space-
Your phone buzzes, breaking your concentration.
Wonwoo looks up at you, pausing his reading. “Who’s that, your boyfriend?”
You let out a small laugh. “Just Hwasa checking in on me to make sure I’m okay with our tutoring session, you’ve got a reputation you know.”
“Do I?” Wonwoo grins, resting his book on his abdomen. 
“Uh huh, people say you’re a demon or something. Apparently coming here for help with school is a deal with the devil.” 
Wonwoo laughs. “That’s definitely a theory. What do you think?”
“At the moment, I’m not quite sure,” you admit. “All I know is, you’re helping me with this essay, and that’s what matters.”
“You know how you can check if I’m a demon?” Wonwoo asks.
“How?”
“Come touch my head, see if there are any horns.” 
Wonwoo is giving you a challenging look, and for some reason, you can’t resist.
You put your laptop to the side, sitting up. “Really?”
“Like I said, only one way to find out if I’m a demon.”
You move toward him, standing off the bed to approach where he’s seated at his desk. “Honestly… maybe this isn’t the best idea. I trust you, I don’t have to feel your head for horns.”
“I really wish you would though,” Wonwoo counters, and there’s a serious edge to his tone. His eyes are bright, looking up at you. It’s like you’re suspended in time and space, staring at each other, holding your breaths.
You reach toward his head, in the back of your mind, you’re worried he might bite you- but Wonwoo stays perfectly still. He watches your every movement, and soon, your fingers are smoothing through his curls.
Wonwoo holds back a groan at the feeling of your touch. He wants to lean in toward you, but doesn’t want to scare you off. It’s clear to him from your body language that you’re as hesitant about this as you had been when you’d first come to him for help with your essay.
You’re so soft, so pure, and he loves it.
He can hear your heart beginning to thunder in your chest as you smooth around his head, searching for horns.
God, humans are so gullible, but it’s adorable when it’s you being this way.
“Okay, no horns,” you confirm, tearing your hand back like you’ve just been burned.
You turn away, returning to his bed, and Wonwoo can practically feel the heat coming off of you. 
“Get back to work,” he says softly, loving the way he gets to sneak looks at you while you’re deep in thought. 
This arrangement is too perfect- Wonwoo hates that it will soon be coming to an end. You’ve been very productive, and as much as he’d like to take credit for it, it’s your own doing.
In some odd way, he’s proud of you, and it’s a feeling he’s never quite experienced before. 
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Seven:
You can’t believe it’s your final session with your ‘tutor’. The amount you’ve gotten done in two separate days with Wonwoo is ridiculous- 
He’s your lucky charm, and it’s odd how much someone can come to mean to you in such a short time.
“Okay,” you sigh, finishing your last line of work. “I’m done.”
“Time for edits then,” Wonwoo responds, slotting a bookmark into what he’s reading before descarding the novel on his sidetable. He approaches you, sitting onto the bed. He’s so close that you can feel his shoulder against yours. He’s so warm, in the best of ways.
He’s reading over your shoulder, and you can feel his breath on your skin. God, this closeness is doing something to you- your pussy is actually beginning to throb, and it’s becoming uncomfortable. 
“Here.” You hand your laptop over to him, watching anxiously as he begins to read your essay from the top.
You’re so focused on him- each second feels like an eternity as he makes his way through your writing, discussing small edits with you as he goes through it. 
“This is good,” Wonwoo muses, making it all the way to the end. “You did really well, and with two days to spare. I’m proud of you.”
“Guess I don’t have to be stressed for Halloween,” you grin, releasing a deep breath.
“Speaking of, do you have any plans?”
“I haven’t even thought that far ahead,” you admit with a laugh.
“Well, if nothing else, we throw a great frat party, you’re more than welcome to come.”
“You know what?” You stretch your arms above your head, releasing a deep breath. “I might just stop by.” 
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Eight:
Wonwoo’s walking through campus when he senses something- and that something can only ever be you. He’s become accustomed to your aura, and his gaze immediately finds you, heading across the green with a friend by your side.
Your eyes meet, and Wonwoo flashes you a smile, not expecting anything to come of it.
He’s surprised when you approach, calling his name. “Wonwoo! Oh my gosh, hi!”
“Hey,” he grins, stopping in his tracks to give you a once over. He wishes he could be more subtle about his attraction to you, but by the way you take him in, it’s clear that it’s not something that’s one sided. 
“Yeji, this is the tutor I was telling you about! He helped me finish my essay in three sessions.”
“It was really more like two,” Wonwoo corrects you, then his eyes find your friend. “She did all the work, believe me.”
“Yeah, after I read your notes on the book,” you grin. “He’s not even an English major, but he picks up more details in novels than I ever could.”
Wonwoo’s not used to compliments like this, especially not from pretty girls. Most just accept his work and figure their payment was a job well done enough. He doesn’t even know how to respond, and for a demon of his age, this sort of thing never happens.
You’re so pure and sweet- God, he likes you so much. But there’s something beneath the attraction, there’s a want- a want to corrupt you, a want to see how far you’ll go for him, how dirty you’ll be just for him. 
“Are you two coming to the party tomorrow?” Wonwoo asks, finding a way to divert the attention away from himself.
You and Yeji exchange a look, and it’s your friend who nods. “We’ll be there.” 
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Nine:
You don’t go to frats often, but your attraction to Wonwoo drives you through the front doors of the packed house. Everyone is dressed accordingly, and you take a moment just to appreciate the ambiance. Sure, it’s sweaty, and overwhelming, and the flashing lights are a bit much, but it feels like a community, in some sort of odd way.
You’re heading through the crowd of bodies with Hwasa when someone grabs your arm, and you’re shocked to find Jeonghan standing there. He’s dressed as a zombie of some sort, and despite the fake grime on his face, he’s still very handsome.
“Hey, repeat offender,” he grins, leaning close so you can hear him over the loud music.
“Repeat offender?” you ask.
“Yeah, you’re Wonwoo’s chick now, our little repeat offender.” He’s charming, in an interesting sort of way. “Bet you’re looking for him.”
“Is he around?”
“He’s the dickhead in the oni mask, making a drink in the kitchen.”
“Thank you.” 
You follow Jeonghan’s directions, approaching the kitchen. It’s as full of bodies as you’ve ever seen it, but despite that, finding Wonwoo is easy.
He’s tall, and even with his back to you, you’d recougnize his shoulders anywhere.
“So how are you doing this?” Hwasa asks.
“I’m just going to go talk to him.”
“Do you need backup?”
Your eyes shift to Wonwoo again, and you find a smile appearing on your face. “Honestly, I think I’ll be alright.”
“If you need anything, just scream ‘hamburger’.”
“Why?”
“It’s my safe word,” Hwasa teases, flashing you a wink before she disappears into the crowd of people dancing.
You take a deep breath, mustering your courage to approach the hot nerd. 
You move toward him slowly, coming to a stop at his side. You don’t even have to say anything, he notices you immediately, turning to assess you.
His handsome face is covered with an oni mask, and it’s a little more frightening than you’d been anticipating, especially with his wild dark curls. Oni are Japanese demons, it has horns and fangs-
“Hi,” he says, and you can hardly hear him from under the mask.
“You’re really leaning into the whole demon thing, aren’t you?” you force a laugh. 
You hear Wonwoo chuckle, and then he’s pulling the oni mask off. “Are you more comfortable now?”
Swallowing thickly, you nod. “Actually, I think I’d also be more comfortable with a drink.”
“How much have you had already?”
“Just had a bit of a pre with Hwasa, why?”
“I guess…” he faces you, crossing his large arms over his broad chest, “when I make a move on you tonight, since our arrangement is done, I want to make sure you reciprocate, sound of mind.”
You look up at him in shock, unable to find any words with which to respond.
Wonwoo grins when you remain dumbfounded for a few seconds. “You’re cute.”
“I am?”
“More than you realize.”
“And you’re… you’re going to make a move on me?” 
“Was thinking about it.”
“What would the move look like?”
“Should I tell you? Or would you rather I show you?” 
God, why is he so hot? Why does he always know what to say? And why does his smirk look extra sexy with his slightly pointed canines? Why haven’t you realized his teeth were pointy before? You suppose he doesn’t smile enough for you to have picked up on details, but now, you’re looking at him, unhindered by shyness and limits of a tutor/semi-student relationship.
Wonwoo pulls you closer by your hips, staring down at you. “I’m going to need a verbal answer, Sweetheart.”
“Show me,” you tell him.
Wonwoo’s grin widens, and one of his hands moves from your hip to your cheek, cupping your face. His thumb brushes by your cheekbone, and it’s such a loving motion- it’s as if the entire frat party disappears around you. You’re so focused on him that you can hardly breathe.
Wonwoo moves closer, and you an feel his breath on your face. His lips are incredibly close, so close you could kiss him yourself- but you stay frozen, waiting on him.
“Are you sure you want this?” Wonwoo asks teasingly.
“Kiss me,” you whisper.
He chuckles, and then, he presses his lips to your own, cradling you even closer with the hand on your cheek. His other palm finds the small of your back, tugging you to his chest. You find your grip going to his shoulders, exploring the muscles you’ve been thirsting over.
His tongue swipes your bottom lip, and you open wider to accept him in, a small groan slipping out of you.
God, he’s such a good kisser- you’re completely lost in him.
In the periphery, music is thrumming through you, but it’s muffled, disappearing as you fall deeper under the spell of Wonwoo’s kiss.
Things are getting hot and heavy fast, and you can’t even find it within yourself to be embarrassed that you’re making out with Wonwoo while surrounded by people, besides, something tells you they won’t care.
You can feel something on your lower abdomen, a pressure- and you realize that just kissing you has made Wonwoo hard in his jeans.
Your pussy throbs, so turned on that you can hardly breathe. You break the kiss, gasping. “Your room?”
“Not right now,” comes his immediate response.
“What?” You can’t help the way you feel crushed at the rejection-
“Not with the party,” Wonwoo clarifies. “I want to take my time with you, want you to be comfortable- having people fucking around outside my room while I’m exploring you isn’t my idea of a great first time.”
“That actually makes sense,” you concede.
“But… I’m okay to keep doing this,” he tells you, leaning forward to kiss your cheek, then his mouth begins to move down to your throat, his tongue tasting your sweet spot. 
You release a moan, wrapping your arms around the tall nerd. “Yeah, we can keep doing this.”
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Ten:
Wonwoo carefully walks to the kitchen, avoiding spilled liquor on the floor from the party the night before. He’s so focused on his footsteps that he almost doesn’t notice Jeonghan’s aura until he’s right next to him.
The frat boy is sitting on the kitchen counter, eating his cereal. “So…” Jeonghan muses with a grin, “that girl, huh?”
“What girl?” Wonwoo sighs.
Jeonghan scoffs loudly, rolling his eyes. “The one you were making out with at the party for hours. You know, the one that keeps coming here for ‘tutoring.’”
“I helped her with an essay.”
“Sure you did.” Jeonghan pushes off the kitchen counter. “It’s cute, our resident demon has a heart.”
Wonwoo freezes, realizing that Jeonghan might be onto something, but he’ll never admit it out loud. “No, I don’t.”
“Keep telling yourself that.” 
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Eleven:
“Well look who it is,” Jeonghan grins as he opens the door to the frat. You wonder why it’s always him, why no one else is ever hanging around the living room, but you decide it’s best not to dwell on it.
“Hi,” you smile softly.
“Guessing you know where to go,” Jeonghan muses, opening the door wider so you can enter.
With one more nod to the frat boy, you make your way to Wonwoo’s room.
You knock on the door, and like the very first time you’d been here, it swings open with ease. Wonwoo’s sitting on his bed, a book in his hands. He’s wearing his glasses, and he looks so sexy like this, so domestic-
“Happy November,” Wonwoo says. 
You laugh. “Happy November.” You close the door behind yourself, standing there awkwardly. You know what you’re here for, know what you want from him now that your essay is complete- “You’re not practicing, you know, No Nut November, or anything, are you?”
Wonwoo laughs, setting his book down on his bedside table along with his glasses. “No, I’m not practicing No Nut November.”
“Good.”
Wonwoo’s grin widens. “Get over here.”
You make your way to the bed, sitting carefully next to him. “What were you reading?”
“Dante’s Inferno,” he responds casually, as if it’s the most normal thing in the world to be reading poetry from the thirteen hundreds. 
“Wow,” you laugh, “that definitely pushes the whole demon angle.”
“I’m a deal maker, Sweetheart, the whole demon thing is overdone.” He wraps his arm around you, prompting you to cuddle up to his chest.
“And yet, your door opens on its own,” you point out. 
“And?”
“As crazy as this sounds…” you take a deep breath, “I guess I’m wondering if there’s any… legitimacy to the whole demon thing.”
“How would you feel if there was?” he counters.
“I suppose I wouldn’t believe it, not really.”
“Then what’s the point in asking?”
“Maybe there’s no point.” You look up at him, marveling at his handsome features.
“So kiss me and forget about it,” he prompts, his fingers finding the bottom of your chin and making you look up at him. 
“Sounds like a plan,” you smile, closing the gap between your lips. 
He holds you tighter as your lips mesh, half pulling you onto his chest as his tongue explores your own. God, he still feels so good- part of you had wondered if you’d been a little tipsy the last time you kissed him, and that’s why it had felt so good- but no, this is just Wonwoo, this is just the power he has over you.
You adjust so you’re straddling him, his hands finding your hips to encourage you while you cup his face, enjoying the feeling.
You begin to wiggle, grinding down softly onto him. His cock is already hardening in his sweatpants- you love how easy it is to turn him on. It does wonders for your ego as you dry hump him, beginning to moan at the sensation on your clit.
You’re not usually this type of person, not the mega-sexual, but something about Wonwoo is making you feral. It helps that you both know why you’re here- helps that he’d rescheduled this fuck session so you wouldn’t be having your first time with a wild Halloween rager just outside his door.
Things are just comfortable with him, it’s clear you’re both extremely attracted to each other, and that turns you on even more.
One of his hands begins to glide up from your waist, skimming the underwire of your bra. You move his palm even further up, so he’s grasping your breast, and he squeezes deliciously, earning a soft moan from your lips.
Wonwoo grins into your kiss, his free hand cupping the back of your neck, forcing you even closer as he massages your chest.
You grind harder onto his cock, loving the feeling-
One flip has Wonwoo on top of you, and you whimper at the change in power dynamics. He moves his hips fluidly, applying more pressure to your already throbbing clit-
Wonwoo pulls away from your throat, looking down at you with dark eyes. “So do I need to grab a condom, Sweetheart?” 
“I’m on birth control,” you tell him. “Are you clean?”
“I’m clean, are you?”
“Yeah.” You lean closer, eagerly pressing your lips to his again. You’re so lost in him, nothing else matters.
Wonwoo’s hands begin to explore you again, and then he pulls away to tug on your shirt. “Off.”
You sit up, removing the fabric, exposing your bra to him.
Wonwoo looks down at you with lust filled eyes. “You’re so pretty, Sweetheart.” His fingers tease the strap of your bra. “How’d a pretty little thing like you ever find your way to me?”
“The essay-”
“You’re so innocent though, I could tell from the moment I met you. You wouldn’t have come to me if it wasn’t absolutely necessary.”
“No, I don’t cheat.”
“And you still don’t, you did the whole essay yourself.”
“With help from you,” you blush. 
“No, Sweetheart, it was all you.” Wonwoo kisses you again, shutting up any argument you have about using his notes. 
He makes you feel so good- it’s such a safe space, and it’s the type of situation you’re not used to. The lack of judgement, the complete support- it helps you relax, helps you get even further lost in his kiss as you make out, the both of you wriggling and grinding against each other. You love the feeling of his body, the feeling of being here with him, completely enraptured mind and soul.
Wonwoo’s lips trail down to your throat, and he begins to descend. He reaches your chest, and you breathe heavily, closing your eyes to enjoy the feeling of his lips.
His fingers hook in the cup of your bra, and he pauses to look up at you, as if he’s asking for your permission. “Do it,” you tell him, trying to catch your breath.
Wonwoo grins, pulling your bra down so he can access your tits fully. His tongue flicks at your sensitive nipple, and you groan at the sensation, arching your back to push your chest closer to his face.
Wonwoo’s lips suction around the sensitive bud next, and God, it feels amazing. 
Your pussy is practically throbbing- can women cum from breast stimulus alone? You might find out if he keeps this up.
His hands cup your tits, pushing them together, and then he begins to lick at both of your nipples, switching from one to the other in a pace that has you grabbing his hair, whimpering in desperation.
You feel like you’re on fire- you feel alive, writhing on this hot nerd’s bed. It feels dirty, but it feels so right too.
He continues on your breasts for a short while, until you’re good and needy, then he makes his way to your jeans. 
“I want you naked,” he tells you.
“Then get me naked,” you counter, still breathless.
With a wink, Wonwoo pulls your jeans down, and you work on your bra. Soon, you’re completely naked from him, and unlike other times you’ve gotten with men, you don’t feel an ounce of shame. 
This feels so right, and as Wonwoo begins kissing up your thighs, prompting your legs open, you just know that sex is never going to be the same. 
Wonwoo’s eyes meet yours as he takes a lick of your pussy, and you both groan. His lips suction around your clit and your muscles spasm. He pulls away with a grin, breath hot on your aching core. “So wet already,” he muses.
“I need you,” you whimper.
“You have me,” he promises, diving back into your heat.
He doesn’t hold anything back. He eats you like you’re the most delicious fruit in the world, like your pussy juices are a nectar he needs for life itself.
You grasp at the blanket on his bed, writhing beneath him while he licks and sucks and- fuck, he just knows you so well- there’s no need for direction, no awkward moments of exploration, he just… he knows what to do, and it drives you wild. You’re completely in the moment, experiencing a raw pleasure you’ve only ever read about in erotica.
You can feel yourself getting closer and closer to the edge, and you’re a little shocked at the speed of all of this, however, you suppose the foreplay had done a number on you as well.
“Wonwoo-” you whimper, abdomen tensing.
“Cum for me,” he breathes heavily against your clit. “Want you to cum on my tongue.” 
His lips wrap around your clit again, and two more harsh sucks are all it takes to send you over the edge. You gasp desperately, entire body tensing before the moment of your release.
Hot waves of pleasure erupt over your form, all consuming. You can hardly breathe, can only gasp in ecstasy as he works you through your high.
You’re not sure how long your orgasm lasts, only that you’re out of breath and brain dead by the time Wonwoo pulls away.
You can hardly open your eyes to look up at him as he stands up, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. His eyes are so full of lust- and for the first time, he looks truly demonic. But you’re not scared, you’re intrigued, in the best possible way.
“Fuck me,” you tell him quietly.
Wonwoo grins, and his canines flash in the light. “You got it, Sweetheart.”
He grabs the back of his shirt, tearing it off his head to reveal chiseled chest muscles. He’s got more of a sleeper build- the kind of guy you wouldn’t expect to be muscled, except that under layers of fabric, he’s actually sculpted by the Gods.
You can hardly breathe as he pulls his sweatpants down, and you’re practically drooling by the time he gets back on top of you, his lips hot against your own.
You cup the back of his neck, kissing him desperately, wiggling your hips, eager for stimulation.
Wonwoo concedes, rutting so his cock drags through your drenched pussy lips.
Neither of you say anything, you keep lip locked as he finally pushes into you. You both release gasps of pleasure, breathing the kiss to press your foreheads together as he sheaths further inside of you.
You open your eyes, looking up at Wonwoo, who meets your gaze with a fierceness that sets your insides on fire. 
He’s so beautiful- you’d checked his head for horns, but you can almost see an outline of demonic features- you must be dreaming, must be so lost in him that you’re seeing things. You close your eyes, drawing your lips to his again as he begins to fuck you.
Each thrust his hard, the tip of his long cock kissing your cervix. It’s a little uncomfortable at first, but the feeling becomes pleasurable much too quickly. You’re a moaning mess beneath him, clawing at his broad shoulders.
“You feel so good,” he tells you.
“No, your cock feels good,” you correct him.
“Agree,” he presses a kiss to your lips, “to disagree.”
You laugh, and Wonwoo groans at the way your giggle makes your muscles clench even tighter around his cock.
“Fuck,” he moans, taking a deep breath. 
He pulls away suddenly, and he flips you onto your stomach, grabbing your hips to lift you into the air. He positions your knees together, so you’re in doggy, and then he pushes himself back into your aching hole.
Shit- things feel even tighter in this positon, and you claw at his bed, burying your face in his duvet as he plows into you. His grip is rough on your hips, but you don’t even care- if Wonwoo continues to give you cock like this, he could do anything he wanted to you, any position, and you wouldn’t mind.
Each snap of his hips sends the sound of skin on skin through his room, but that’s the least of your worries. You’re more concerned about the fact that you can feel another orgasm bubbling up in the pit of your stomach, and your pussy is clenching even tighter around him now.
“You’re close again, aren’t you, Sweetheart?” Wonwoo asks.
“Uh huh, so deep-” you whimper.
“Rub your clit for me,”  he instructs. “Wanna feel it.”
You adjust, bringing your fingers to your sensitive bud. You begin to stoke yourself, applying just the right amount of pressure to have you crying out as he rails into you.
Wonwoo shifts, bringing one knee up so his foot is flat on the bed, giving himself better manueverabilty to fuck you like there’s no tomorrow.
“That’s it,” he groans, squeezing your hips. “Make me cum.”
The knowledge that your high will set off his own makes you even more eager to please him, and you rub your clit even harder, whimpering desperately. 
Wonwoo lets out a grunt, and the sound is music to your ears. How is he so sexy? When did a man grunting become sexy? 
Fuck, you work yourself even harder, and Wonwoo matches your enthusiasm with his thrusts, his hands pulling your hips back to meet him with each motion.
“I’m close-” you tell him, your pussy gripping him so hard-
“Let go for me,” he responds. “Need to feel it.”
A few more circular motions on your clit has you exploding, a loud whimper escaping your lips as your pussy clamps down hard on his cock. Your entire body is alight, muscles working overtime as you contract around him.
“Fuck,” Wonwoo growls, his pace faltering as he cums inside you, filling you with a warmth that makes you spasm beneath him. 
You continue to moan as he fucks you through your highs until you’re both breathless. You can feel him breathing on your back, can feel each puff-
Your own chest is heaving with effort, your eyes closed as the last inklings of euphoria sparkle through you.
Wonwoo’s hands smooth along your hips gently, and neither of you have anything to say as you recuperate.
Finally, Wonwoo gently traces your spine with a finger. “I’m going to pull out,” he tells you. “Grab you a tissue.”
“Okay.” You nod against his bed, still too blurry from your orgasm to think too hard about anything.
The loss of his cock from your aching hole is one you feel everywhere, and you whimper, cupping your pussy to stop any cum from dripping onto his bed.
Wonwoo returns quickly, moving your hand so he can press tissue to your core. “Give it a sec, and when you’re ready we can put on some clothes and head to the bathroom.”
You stay on your knees for a few more seconds before mustering your energy. When you’re finally able to stand, Wonwoo helps you up. He pulls sweatpants up your legs, followed by a hoodie to cover your bare chest.
Then, he takes your hand, guiding you to the bathroom where you both clean up.
Everything is a blur until you get back to his bedroom, where you collapse onto the mattress against his chest, eyes closed.
Wonwoo’s hand smooths up and down your arm. “How do you feel?”
“So good,” you respond.
“I’ve gotta tell you something.”
You can hear the seriousness in his tone, and you force your eyes open, looking up at him questioningly.
“I was going to wait-” Wonwoo admits, “it’s something I’ve never told anyone, not in so many words at least.” You wait for him to continue. “The whole demon thing… there’s some truth to it.”
“But… I checked for horns?” you say, confused.
“We don’t have horns, Sweetheart. We’re deal makers. You gave me your necklace, it has a soultie to your ex, one day, I’m going to drag that asshole to hell.”
You can’t help the chuckle that escapes you. “Sure you are, Wonwoo.”
“You don’t believe me,” he muses, lifting your hand so he can kiss your knuckles gently.
“I told you I wouldn’t, so what does it even matter?”
“I just wanted to start things right,” he confesses. “Wanted to do this right.” 
“This?” you counter, grinning up at him.
“Us. I want to give it a shot, if you’re interested.”
“I’m more than interested,” you admit. “But… I think, right now, I just need a little sleep.”
“Then sleep, I’ll be right here when you wake up.”
He presses a kiss to your forehead, and with a smile and a deep breath, you finding yourself drifting into the most blissful sleep of your life. Demon or not, Wonwoo makes you feel protected, and that’s not something you’ll ever take lightly.
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☀️ mlist + an. thank you for reading! I love Wonwoo!
🍭 support me by. sending a tip here or here - or become a patron to access monthly bonus content and extensions for fics like this one :) find the Patreon teaser below! 
🔮 preview. “You look so good like this, Sweetheart,” he whispers. “Being so good for me, so corruptible-” He has a bit of a corruption kink, but he’s never forced it on you. No, he’d shown you his toys, and allowed you to choose the pace on everything. You feel so comfortable with him, and it allows you to fully connect with yourself and your pleasure.
cw/ tw. Unprotected sex, use of sex toys, flogger, vibrator, multiple reader orgasms, breast worship, nipple clamps, slight corruption kink, dirty talk, praise, soft dom Wonwoo, fingering, slight pain kink, etc…   I petnames. (hers) Sweetheart. 
👹 rating. 18+ explicit I wc. 2.2k I teaser wc. 200
🌙 starring. Wonwoo x afab!Reader
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bonus
It’s been a few months of dating Wonwoo, and you’ve realized the whole demon thing is completely real. It was an adjustment at first, but he’d explained everything about it. There are certain demons who do the darker stuff, but Wonwoo truly considers himself a deal maker above all else. He doesn’t kill, even though, with his power, he could.
No, he’s a mellow demon, if there is such a thing. 
It’s an opposites attract type of situation, and Wonwoo’s spent countless nights admiring your aura, discussing what it is exactly that makes you the light Yin to his dark Yang. He loves you for all of your differences, and you’ve never felt more comfortable with a person- or, should you say, demon.
He’s an ageless man with a thirst for knowledge, and you’re so attracted to his deep understanding of all things literate or scientific. You find yourself constantly learning new knowledge from him, and every day you spend together is a dream you never could have even wished for.
Aside from all the educational learning experiences you have with Wonwoo, you’ve also begun to explore his sexual knowledge, and it’s a journey you never thought you’d find yourself on.
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👹 or check out what else is on my patreon here
🔮if nothing strikes your fancy, check out my m.list
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general taglist
@gotshinct - @subhyuck - @fraechan - @learnthisfeeling
@runahways - @d-abin - @milkteade - @woogyuhae 
@anothershorthuman - @nihxxy - @vantxx95 - @bangshii
@poutypoutybin - @notbeforelong - @creepybakeoven
@ninetechculture - @yungiland - @suhsfam - @binchangf
@chogiwapadada - @librarian-stacks - @meowniee
@learnthisfeeling - @gigilame - @cumtrov3rsy
@mocha000 - @darthlunaa​ - @just-here-to-read-01​ - @shiningnono
@lovelyhan - @grilledbananas
svt taglist
@candidupped - @cheolussy - @aaniag - @imprettyweird
@xcynthiaaa
thanks to those who interacted with the teaser!
@syluslittlecrows - @wonuskie - @icedearlgreytea - @9900z
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@ollieollieoctopus - @superassh - @xueisaaa17 - @julia5761
@drunkscoups - @iaypark-blog - @wonustars - @moonbebe
@chanichanvhan - @acolytees - @yeomyeom - @bobathi
@generalkpopwhore -
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john green quit tumblr because of the cock monologue
No, he didn’t.
This all happened a long time ago, and my memory is imperfect, but here’s my memory: The cock monologue certainly hurt my feelings! But when people are trying to force someone out of a virtual space, they sometimes resort to behavior that is similar to bullying except it’s not completely identical to bullying because the person they’re making fun of has a lot of power. (As someone who got bullied a lot in school, the feeling was similar in 2014 but it wasn’t identical--because I was aware of the fact that I was okay, that what was in danger was certain aspects of my identity/self-value that I treasured but not my entire personhood itself.)
Anyway, it hurt my feelings, and still hurts my feelings when I see it shared (it feels to me like a joke about my sexuality, although I understand other people don’t see it that way; but yeah, you don’t know much about my sexuality and I don’t really want you to but it feels like a joke about that to me, which just bums me out). 
But all of that stuff is a side effect of my job and having been successful at it, and I like my job. It is a great job. All jobs have aspects that suck. My job has fewer such aspects than other jobs I’ve had.
So yeah, I did not quit tumblr because of the cock monologue. (I also did not ask tumblr to make reblogs un-editable.) .
I quit tumblr because a few people started to make extremely specific threats. One might, for instance, send me an ask that featured a google streetview screenshot of my home alongside a plan for breaking into it.
I was super scared of these people (or possible person pretending to be a few people?) because they seemed to have a lot of knowledge about me and my family. We lived in a normal middle-class neighborhood in Indianapolis and I felt very exposed and nervous all the time in my real life, and eventually the freaked-out feeling just got too big and that’s why I quit tumblr.
(Edited to add: I am aware that prominent people sometimes use death threats against them to portray themselves as victims and protect themselves against justified criticism for their bigotry or abusive behavior or whatever. I don’t want to do that; it’s important to note that I have a lot of resources and power and so was able to, for instance, move to decrease the threat, which a lot of people can’t do. But I also feel like not talking about the experience honestly has not really helped me or anyone.)
I SHOULD’VE quit tumblr much earlier--I needed to realize that people weren’t comfortable with me in their virtual spaces and that to them I came across as cringey or even creepy, but at the time, I wasn’t nearly self-aware enough to leave for any of those reasons, and plus there was a lot of pressure from movie studios etc to stay on the social Internet so I could continue to promote my books and the stuff around them. So I didn’t quit when I should’ve, and as a result had and caused quite a few negative experiences for people. I’m sorry about the role I had in causing those negative experiences. I should’ve had a better understanding of not just how I experienced myself but also how other people might experience me. That’s something i’ve worked on over the years but still come up short on sometimes.
At any rate, I might delete this later because it makes me feel a bit like all my nerves are exposed to the air but I did just want to clarify that the, like, Tumblr Legend of this whole thing is at minimum a bit over simplified. 
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with-my-calamitous-love · 2 months ago
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LEAVE THE WARMEST BED I’VE EVER KNOWN
katsuki bakugou x reader
on a cold winter night, you gain news that your ex boyfriend and pro-hero dynamight has returned from a work trip out of the country. coincidentally, he’s calling your phone right now.
part 1/2
inspired by ‘tis the damn season
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everything you learned about katsuki while he was away was against your will.
following in all might’s footsteps, and right after one messy, icy breakup, katsuki left to do hero work in the united states. if you wanted to know who he was hanging with, what girls he was supposedly kissing, or who he was replacing you with, you could have asked. seeing his life in footnotes, on instagram stories and through headlines was the kind of cold that fogged up windshield glass.
theres a lingering ache in your heart, put there by the ache in katsuki’s.
your breakup felt inevitable, more than anything. circumstances, timing, stress… one second, he’s loving you. the next, he’s telling you he needs to think things through. and right after that, he’s on a plane to los angeles with kirishima.
it was almost nice, not having to see him at the agency or anywhere else. you wouldn’t be tempted to call his phone, since the international bill would only break your heart more. you couldn’t go to his apartment because it’d be empty- if you’re not counting the phantoms of lost love.
the 2 weeks he was gone felt like an eternity on your end. you blamed the time zones, though you knew they weren’t capable of freezing time and making your heart ache more each minute.
and with the first snowfall of the season, katsuki bakugou lands back in his home country.
he thanks the attendants in his private jet, shoving his already warm hand into his pockets as he steps out into the brisk air. its colder than he remembered, as if the world felt the same loneliness he was experiencing.
its 10pm, and the snow is glistening against the moonlight like a mirrorball. the sky is blanketed by clouds, a pink hue washing over katsuki as he steps out of the airport and into the night.
he stares at his contacts for a second. he intends on calling an uber.
but either his thumb slipped, or he missed you too much to care about the cold pricking his fingertips. each could be true.
you’re in the process of turning up your heater when your phone lights up through the dark. fingers peeking out the sleeve of your sweater grasp the device, nearly dropping it to the floor when you see who’s trying to reach you.
as if on instinct, your thumb hovers over the green button, before ultimately letting it go to voice mail.
after a hot shower to drown out the chill, you find him calling again. this time, you sit on the edge of your bed, finally resigning to pick up.
you don’t say anything first, wanting to hear him first. maybe you had to make sure this wasn’t some twisted dream.
“…hey babe.” katsuki says, his gruff voice lingering with a soreness in his throat that can only come from prolonged exposure to the cold. that, paired witb the familiar nickname despite the circumstances, makes you clutch your phone.
“hey, kats.” you say, shifting on your bed to get comfortable. after all, any emotional night with katsuki bakugo was destined to be long.
“when did you land?” you ask, fiddling with your fingers. you hope he doesn’t hear the trepidation in your voice.
“an hour ago.” he says, stifling a sniffle like a child would. you almost laugh, knowing him too well. he wasn’t the kind of guy you could forget easily.
“i just needed to hear your voice.” he admits, more to himself than to you. crimson eyes watch the way the snowflakes fall to the ground, dancing around in the wind. he remembers how much you love snowflakes. how you’d always try to catch them on your tongue, and how stupid he thought it was. the things he’d give to go back to that.
the uncharacteristic vulnerability in his voice makes your eyes water. it was something about the cold that brought out the aches in people. like holidays that linger like bad perfume, you both could run from the hurt before getting lost in the snow. you escaped into your warm apartment, away from the world, while katsuki escaped into crowds of adoring fans away from home.
whats funny is that both of you remember how the other left.
the cold air pricks at katsuki’s fingers while he waits for a response. he almost thinks the connections gone out, when in truth, your holding back tears.
with a shaky sigh, you speak. “lets… call it even, then.” you whisper, but he’s captivated by your words like a firework show. “i wanted to hear you, too.”
the breath of relief katsuki lets out can be seen in the cold, night air.
there was about 100 thrown out letters you wished you could send him. you could vomit words onto paper, send them out into the winter air and let the wind deliver your confessions to him.
and honestly, he wants you to. more than anything, he wants to sleep in with you, pull the blankets over that shield you from the cold just for old time sake. and if you don’t want him to stay this time, then he won’t ask you to wait.
if this doesn’t work out, he’ll go back to LA. he’ll let his so called fans write books and stories about him, about his heroism and his nobility without knowing how much his heart hurts on the inside. they’ll wonder about the only soul who knows what that hurt feels like. the only soul who knows all the smiles he’s faking: you.
he hopes that he only breaks his own heart, wanting to spare you from it. if he could, he’d leave you the warmest bed you’ve ever known. he’d call you babe for the weekend, and love you warm against the winter chill.
if somewhere, in his heart, katsuki’s love for you despite the breakup remained the same, then it was the same for you, too. if its okay with you, its okay with him. you could call it even. you’re missing his smile, and you want him to hear you out.
you might have to, with what he’s about to say next.
“…i’m outside, babe.”
part 2 soon 🫧
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theonottsbxtch · 4 months ago
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Secret Sister | OP81
in which lando has a secret sister and oscar falls hard and fast
oscar piastri x norris!reader
fc: sophia birlem
a/n: lol hello this is my first ever smau, everyone say thank you rianna. hope you enjoy this and if you have any requests lmk!
landonorris:
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liked by ynnorris, oscarpiastri, maxfewtrell and 1376 more
happy 21st birthday to this gremlin, ig being your big brother is fun or whatever @/ynnorris
*tap to load comments*
userone: i’m sorry i beg your pardon what
usertwo: someone say sike rn
maxfewtrell: lando you’re going to break the internet with this post
userthree: a bit too late
userfour: YOU KNEW?!
ynnorris: guys i’ve been held captive for 21 years. dobby is free!
yourbestfriend: how long have you been waiting to say that?
ynnorris: 3 years
userfive: how did lando manage to pull this off for so long?!
oscarpiastri: you have a sister??
maxverstappen1: lando what?
usersix: it’s the way lando just hardlaunched that he had a sister for me 😭
alex_albon: I KNEW IT
georgerussell63 : i’m so sorry i never believed you
alex_albon: i was onto him back in 2019, you guys just thought i was delusional😞
userseven: moral of the story, always trust alex
ynnorris
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liked by landonorris, oscarpiastri, maxfewtrell and 47 others
hello world. twenty first and graduation? now you guys know who the smartest norris is xx
*tap to load comments*
landonorris: you’re public for one day and you already start publicly bullying me wtf
userone: oh i like her already
usertwo: sorry did i just see she graduated in computer science? from edinburgh? we love an educated queen
yourbestfriend: world’s hottest programmer
ynnorris: get it on a top
yourbestfriend: yes ma’am
userthree: why did she have to wait until her 21st to post? i’m so confused 😭
userfour: maybe lando didnt want her to be in the limelight and now that she’s an adult she’s in control of it?
userthree: oh that makes sense
ynnorris: he just didn’t want people to know that his sister is 100x cooler than him
userfive: yn pls 😭😭😭
oscarpiastri: hello
ynnorris: hello
landonorris: not happening
usersix: oh no poor lando 😭
maxverstappen1: @/landonorris i refuse to believe she’s real, tell her to come to monaco with a birth certificate
imessage
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twitter
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instagram - ynnorris
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liked by landonorris, yourbestfriend, oscarpiastri and 973 others
just arrived to monaco and lan’s ditched me for max, give me recs x
*tap to load comments*
userone: i love that she thinks we’re rich enough to ever be in monaco
usertwo: the waterfront!
yourbestfriend: what happened to “we’ll go together”?
ynnorris: you chose your girlfriend over me 😁
yourbestfriend: she is quite literally graduating today
ynnorris: then don’t complain x
userthree: that’s a few too many suitcases no?
oscarpiastri: the vaundé bakery or the hiking trail
ynnorris: noted 🫡
userfour: something is going to happen between them two i’m calling it now
instagram dms
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ynnorris
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liked by oscarpiastri, landonorris, yourbestfriend and 2734 others
i guess i understand why lando left gloomy london for this
*tap for more comments*
userone: where are the insta detectives, is that the bakery oscar recommended
usertwo: it is!
userthree: is that oscar?
oscarpiastri: no
userthree: oh no he’s experiencing his first heartbreak
landonorris: lol
userfour: foul
userfive: she’s living the dream
yourbestfriend: i miss u
ynnorris: come here, lando said i could invite anyone
landonorris: i did not.
ynnorris: do you want mum and dad to find out what happened to the clutch of their old fiesta?
landonorris: @/yourbestfriend what i meant to say is you’re more than welcome
usersix: she’s so effortlessly funny
imessage
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ynnorris
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liked by oscarpiastri, landonorris, maxfewtrell and 7610 others
monaco over and out, see you soon 😉
*tap to load comments*
userone: is that oscar??
usertwo: god she is so pretty
userthree: i know oscar’s back when i see it
oscarpiastri: photo credits? 🙄
userfour: i knew it!
ynnorris: the photos are mediocre at best
oscarpiastri: take them down then, copyright 😤
ynnorris: big baby 😤
userfive: wait they’re so cute
maxfewtrell: oh yn
yourbestfriend: he’s going to kill you
landonorris: is that my balcony?
landonorris: answer the phone yn
ynnorris: no x
2K notes · View notes
kazoo-world · 8 months ago
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okay. i debated not posting this because I was worried I’d get death threats (that says a lot doesn’t it) but it needs to be said, because its upsetting me.
a woman who publicly says she feels very sane and has “never been to therapy” and who breaks up with her boyfriend in part because he can’t just “”get over”” his depression to love her the way she wants/needs does not.
I repeat, does not.
get to use the imagery she did in her fortnight video.
I’ve been seeing gifsets and screenshots all day of her chained to a bed but ~aesthetic~ and being fed a pill after a cheeky side eye and strapped to a glamourfied ECT machine and no one has said anything about it so I will. those images are genuinely triggering for me.
people have been restrained, forcefed pills, and given electroconvulsive therapy or subjected to the electric chair for severe mental illness against their will. these are not fun props anyone gets to throw around to express that they feel depressed or in a “manic phase” or like they were “raised in an asylum.”
she doesn’t know how a real asylum fried my grandmother’s brain or real cops restrained me because I was psychotic and manic. she doesn’t know what it feels like to be dehumanised that way.
do better. demand she do better, too.
edit: I say that this content is triggering to say that it causes real harm. I do still have a responsibility to myself to curate an internet experience for myself. this does not negate her responsibility to avoid replicating harmful tropes in art which is deeply influential. she does not get to co-opt institutionalization or psychiatric violence as a romanticized aesthetic or as a metaphor because real people like myself have suffered greatly under the things she is representing as glamorous or cool. institutionalization silences and violates mentally ill people in a way that marginalizes them, and that experience should be treated with sensitivity and care rather than being commodified to reduce stigma. if she had experienced these things, I might feel differently, but other ableist content on the record and her statements on her life and art indicate otherwise. she is a woman with immense privilege and power and should not be using that privilege and power to punch down on mental illness.
edit 2: I want you all to know I have seen your criticism. I will not edit the post but I do respect that she has had mental health struggles since that outdated quote. That is my mistake, I own that. My apologies.
However, mental health struggles =/ experience with psychiatric violence. Experiences of mental illness are heterogenous. Aestheticizing, romanticizing, and glamourizing mental hospitals is straight up gross regardless of your experience with mental illness. It’s tasteless and offensive.
I do understand metaphors. I think that her calling her life an asylum as a metaphor is in poor taste. I think her representing her relationship struggles with the imagery of a mental institution is insensitive given the impacts that real asylums and mental hospitals have had on my life and the lives of many others like me, so I had to say something about it.
It’s ableist to assume that critics of your fav “can’t read”, “don’t understand a metaphor” or “don’t have brains” when they clearly demonstrate that they are thinking critically. Do better.
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evie-sturns · 3 months ago
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Never have I ever - matt sturniolo
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summary: an innocent game of never have i ever with your bestfriend matt, turns into you finding out his biggest secret, hes still a virgin. you have to teach him a thing or two.
contains: smut, virginity loss, clueless!matt, inexperienced!matt x experienced!reader, fluff, making out, bestfriend!matt.
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"okay- never have i everr... pissed the bed above the age of 16." i laugh, staring at matt who has a grin on his face.
"i am GLAD to say i have not." matt smiles, wiping his face.
"whatt!! i have!" i exclaim,
matt and i burst out laughing, him pushing me over on the bed. i fall on my back, still uncontrollably laughing.
i sit back up on the matress,
"your turn now!" i say,
matt pushes his glasses up the bridge of his nose, they slip down everytime he speaks.
"i dont have one!" matt instantly snaps back, shutting down my suggestion.
"okay ill go again." i grin cheekily.
"never have i everrr cried after sex." i speak,
matt visibly tenses, his smile faltering.
"oh- um- i dont know-" matt laughs nervously, scratching the back of his neck.
matt adjusts his glasses again, something he seems to do when he’s nervous.
"come onn, you can tell me!" i push,
matts eyes are going everywhere but mine, his cheeks flushed and his hands fidgety.
"im- like.. what- what do you mean." matt stammers,
"are you okay? you dont have to say." i say softly,
"no its fine- it doesnt- just shut up.” he mumbles,
“if you have it’s fine!!” i giggle
“i’ve never like- done anything so…” matt says quietly, an awkward chuckle escaping his lips.
“what?”
matt avoids eye contact, “it’s not a big deal,”
i nod, “no yeah- i know it’s not a big deal i just was convinced you’ve done a lot.”
matt shakes his head, “no.”
i grab his hand, “you know you can tell me stuff like that, right?”
he nods, “it’s just embarrassing..”
i shake my head, “no it’s not, i would never judge you.”
he sighs, running a hand through his hair. his cheeks are deep red and his head is tilted down and his gaze is fixed on his lap.
matt’s never really talked about his sex life, he’s always been a reserved person ever since i met him, now i can see why.
“i’ve never even made out with a girl, like i’ve kissed and shit but never made out, isn’t that so embarrassing?” matt starts to open up
“you’ve never even made out?” i repeat, my eyes widening.
“see- that reaction is why i don’t tell people.” matt groans, flopping back on the pillows as he throws his face into his hands.
“no- no it’s not a bad thing!” i state,
matt’s nods silently,
i stare down at him as he looks up at me,
suddenly he speaks.
“would you teach me stuff if i asked.” he blurts out
“pardon?” i say, not convinced that i heard him correctly.
“like how to have sex and stuff, if not that’s okay and we’ll forget this whole thing ever happened- i just trust you a lot and i feel like it would just be a friendly thing.” matt speaks fast, stumbling over his words
“you actually want me to..?”
matt nods shyly, his cheeks now a deep red.
“it won’t matter afterwards- it’s just purely so you’re not a virgin anymore?” i clarify,
matt nods again, “yes- no strings attatched..”
i take a deep breath, “you’re sure?”
matt speaks, “i am, i’m sorry-“
i furrow my eyebrows, “don’t be sorry, i’m glad you trust me.”
matt nods again.
i grab his chin, “just follow my lead baby.”
matt’s eyes widen, a small smirk forming at the corner of his mouth.
i press my lips to his softly, a small gasp escaping his mouth.
our lips slot together perfectly, my nose brushed against his as i tilt my head to the right.
i run my hands up the back of his neck to the back of his hair, tugging loosely at the strands.
matt’s hands are practically glued by his sides, i grin as i grab his wrists, placing his hands on the curve of my waist.
i slowly dip my tongue inside his mouth,
although matt said he’d never made out before, it doesn’t seem like it, he’s impossibly good.
matt sits up on his knees, the matress dips beneath his weight.
i scoot closer to him, the wet sounds of our lips smacking together fill the silent room.
i slowly pull away to catch my breath, our panting loud and heavy.
matt has a different look in his eyes, more needy but dominant, he wants more.
he grabs the back of my neck and tugs me closer to him, colliding our lips again.
“you’re good at this.” i mutter against his raw lips, a smile tugging at his mouth.
“no i’m not.” he mumbles, his face inches away from mine.
“you definitely are.” i say softly,
i crawl onto his lap, he grabs my jaw and pulls me back into him.
our tongues fight for dominance, i clearly seem to be winning.
i can tell matt enjoys this, enjoys me being in full control.
i pull away again, “matt- should we start?” i breathe.
he covers his face, “i’m gonna be so clueless.”
“matt that’s okay, i promise, you said that about kissing and you were fucking good.”
matt’s breathes nervously as i shift on his lap,
“no but i barely know anything about this.. like i know the basics but nothing else and-“ he starts,
i press a finger to his lips, “shh.”
“i’m here to teach you, remember?” i say gently, running my hand through his hair.
he nods, “okay- okay.”
i smile at him reassuringly,
i reach for the hem of my shirt, tugging it up over my head.
matt’s eyes are trained on my lacy black bra, his cheeks instantly blushing
“wanna try take this off?” i say, referencing my bra
matt nods frantically, his hands reach up behind my back and fiddle with the clasp.
after a short amount of time he gently unclasps it, letting it fall fowards on his chest.
he sits up straight against the headboard, me still sat on his lap.
matt’s eyes are fixed on my tits, which are right in his face.
he stares shamelessly, “fuck..”
i feel him growing through his sweatpants, his bulge pressing against my clothed cunt.
“you’re hard?” i whisper, reaching for his waistband.
he nods,
i tug down his waistband to his mid thighs,
“im gonna take these off.” i speak,
matt whines softly, “okay- okay.”
i tug down his boxers, his erection springing out.
holy shit.
“not to boost your ego or anything but that’s big matt.” i tell him,
matt lets out a breathless laugh, “stop that..”
“have you ever had a blowjob?” i ask, knowing the answer already.
“no- no! i told you..” he replies, his tone whiny and embarrassed.
i grin, getting off his lap and sitting between his thighs,
i lay between his thighs, propped up on my elbows as his dick is inches away from my face.
i kitten lick his tip, a sharp gasp escaping matt’s mouth.
he bucks his hips up instantly,
“you’re so sensitive.”
matt breathes heavily,
i wrap my lips around his tip, taking the head of his cock in my mouth.
“ohh- oh my god..” matt groans, covering his face with his large hands.
i swirl my tongue around his tip, before taking more of him down my throat.
“fuck- fuck oh god-!” matt whimpers,
i instinctively clench as i hear his whimper, it was so fucking hot.
i look up at him through my eyelashes, his framed glasses sit ontop of his light blue eyes, which are now scrunched shut.
his glasses have always turned me on, it makes him seem more innocent.
matt clutches his bedsheets,
he gasp as i continue to take him down my throat.
i suddenly pull off of him, matt’s eyes opening slowly.
“don’t stop please.” he mumbles, his hands shaking lightly.
“i don’t want you to cum yet, you’ll be all overstimulated if you do.” i tell him,
i crawl back up onto his lap, sitting on his thighs.
matt’s dick rests against his stomach, still fully hard
i tug his shirt off over his head, “you’re sweating.” i laugh.
“how could i not i mean- you’ve just left me fully hard here and-!” matt complains,
i press a finger to his lips, “shh sh.”
he whines, “i want you so bad.”
“you want my pussy?” i ask, playing with the ties of my shorts.
matt nods frantically,
i sit up slightly to tug my shorts off,
matt stares down at me, still sat happily on his upper thighs.
he looks at my black lacy panties, which match the bra i had on.
he shyly reaches down, dragging his cold finger over the fabric of my panties, just lightly grazing my clit.
“please- please.” matt sighs,
i smile, tugging my panties to the side.
matt throws his head back as i’m revealed to him, clearly overwhelmed.
“i can’t- i need you right now.”
i grin, hovering myself above his tip.
“can you- can you be on top, like in charge.” matt asks shyly,
“yeah, of course i can.” i say,
“you ready?” i follow up,
“yes- yes.”
i slowly sink down onto his tip, both of our gasps filling the room.
matt’s dick almost instantly twitches inside of me.
his cheeks go a deep shade of red.
i sink further down on his length, matt arches his back off the bed. a small cry escaping his mouth.
“you- oh my- that feels so good-“ matt babbles,
i fully bottom out on him, sitting comfortably as i try to adjust to his girth.
matt lets out ragged breathes,
he reaches up and grabs my waist, the same thing i taught him to do while we were making out earlier.
i start to slowly drag myself back up his cock, almost pulling out then dropping back down again. i position his hands to my ass.
he sinks his fingers into the plush of my ass as he try’s to contain himself.
“y-you can make noises,” i assure him,
his lips are pursed in a thin straight line, which he instantly stops doing as soon as i tell him not to.
he lets out a well needed moan, his voice cracking.
“you- you usually guide the girl up and down your dick.” i say, still sticking to the ‘teacher’ label that he wanted me to do.
overall, this is just for me to teach him.. right?
matt helps me, pulling me up and down on his length,
“please- please i need to cum.” matt whimpers breathlessly,
“you can hold it.” i say,
i start to pick up the pace, bouncing harder, and faster on him.
his tip kisses my cervix, each vein fills me up so much.
he starts to squirm, his glasses fall off his face onto his chest.
i grab his glasses, without thinking putting them on me.
matt stares at me, instantly letting out a guttural moan at the sight.
“i can’t- please let me cum- please!” matt raises his voice, his voice high pitched and whiny
“i need to! i need to fuck!” matt rambles, his voice breaking as he sinks his fingers further into my sss.
“you- you can cum-“ i tell him,
matt lets out a high pitched whimper as he finishes.
he coats my inside with his release, his abs tensing and his eyes scrunching shut.
i let my head tip back, his glasses shifting up my nose.
i clench around his sensitive cock before orgasming aswell,
“matt!!” i squeal,
i slowly start to come down from the orgasm, gently lifting myself off his dick.
matt lays in the sheets, his body trembling.
i lay foward on his chest, pulling his glasses off of my face and putting them back on his.
he smiles softly, his eyes shut and beads of sweat on his forehead.
he pants heavily into my ear as i lay ontop of him.
a comfortable silence fills the room, accompanied sounds of our heavy breathing.
matt breaks the silence after a second.
“that glasses thing- was so hot.” he sighs, reffering to me riding him with his own glasses on.
i smile, chuckling softly into his shoulder.
matt speaks up again.
“um- i know we said it was a one time thing but.. do you maybe think we could maybe do it again tomorrow.. just so you know- you could teach me more..?”
“i could make that happen.”
-
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