#I’ve been realizing that maybe there is a reason for all of the ~bad~ decisions I make

[teardropsonsmyguitar]

.

[jlheon]

୨୧ ─── 𝒾 𝓁𝘰𝘷𝘦 𝓎𝘰𝘶 . . . . 𝗅𝗁𝗌

・❥・ ─── 𝓢𝗬𝗡. heeseung realizes he’s only ever loved you

𝒻𝗆𝗋 ꣑୧ 𝓫est friends to lovers ; fluff 𝔀ordcount ( 600 ) 𝓹eng's note. i miss seung 𝓫ookshelf

the blaring noise of your front door being knocked on and the frantic rings of your doorbell wake you up.

you groan, picking up your phone to check the time and covering your eyes for a moment from the initial shock of the brightness emitting off your screen.

catching a glimpse of a myriad of notifications from your best friend and his signature knocking patterns, though right now more frantic, you get up.

“what the hell do you want from me?” you sigh, rubbing your eyes as heeseung’s figure stands in the hallway.

“sorry for waking you,” he quickly apologizes, letting himself in and removing his shoes.

his disheveled appearance is a telltale sign that he ran all the way to your apartment. even though to your knowledge, his car is completely fine and running— or maybe his impatient ass ran up the seven flights of stairs instead of taking the elevator.

you honestly couldn’t care any less about what lee heeseung had to say that made him wake you both up at this hour in the night. so you tried to stumble back into your bedroom, navigating your dim apartment.

“hey! i came here for a reason!” heeseung calls after you, switching on the light.

“can we talk tomorrow?” you whine, covering your eyes with your hands, “i’m so tired, hee.”

“i know,” heeseung wraps his arms around your shoulders, “but this really can’t wait.”

“seriously?”

“seriously.”

yawning in defeat, you let heeseung guide the both of you towards your ajar bedroom door. he closes the door behind him as you sleepily situate yourself on your bed, back resting against your wooden headboard.

“talk,” you say as he sits adjacent to you.

heeseung looks everywhere but your eyes. his leg slightly bouncing which shakes the whole bed. his hands picking at the tag on one of your stray pillows.

the last time you’ve seen him this nervous he was opening his university decision letters.

“____,” he stammers, reaching out for your hand.

“did something bad happen?” you panic, giving your hand to him, “are you moving…?”

“no,” heeseung shakes his head, “um…”

you stare at his fidgeting body as you try to think of what could possibly be at the tip of his tongue.

“there’s no better way to say this,” heeseung sighs, squeezing your hand in his, “i love you.”

“you what,” you whisper, retracting your hand.

“i know, i’m sorry,” he says weakly, “i know this is sudden and probably the last thing you want to hear, but i really do love you. if you don’t love me back i understand and you can kick me out. we pretend this never happened of course, but please don’t ghost me. i can live with the fact you don’t love me but i can’t live without you in my life.”

“you love me?” you question again in disbelief, bringing your knees to your chest.

“how can i not?” heeseung chuckles in defeat, “you’re perfect.”

“shut up,” you bury your head in your knees.

“i can’t,” he smiles, “i love you. if you give me just one chance to prove it to you i will.”

“you really came all the way to tell me?” you whisper, picking at the skin around your nails.

“i’ve been meaning to for years,” he says sheepishly, “i realized i’ve loved you for all my life but never realized it wasn’t just platonic. i hate when you go on dates and when you have other guy friends. i hate that you let other men taint your self-worth, you’re truly the most deserving and lovable person i know.”

tears brim your eyes as you watch your best friend of over a decade ramble on about how much he loves you. the way his eyes bore into yours as they remain full of love.

you reach out for him and wrap him in a tight hug as your arms fling around his neck, “lee heeseung, i love you too.”

[batrogers]

Okay, fine, revisiting my “Time has PTSD” arguments in light of the most recent updates.

I’ve previously analyzed the question of Time’s reaction to the letter in Dawn pt. 9 here, and established my baseline that – what we do know about Time’s backstory strongly implies that there has been conflict in his Hyrule post-Ocarina of Time and Majora’s Mask which may have predisposed him to have strong, negative reactions to recent events like Twilight’s injury. I also did a revisit of that in the first part of Moving Forward, where Wild and the others were playing and Time seemed disconnected and out of it.

After the past few updates, I admit it’s striking to me that we’ve now gotten three sets of double-panel reactions where Time is blank for several seconds before actually displaying an emotional response (if he does at all.) It’s a really interesting choice on Jojo’s part.

This is literally every update except for “Enter...” since Dawn pt 9 (an update in which nobody talks at all.) Ever since the letter, Time has had a marked lack of response to the others. He’s reserved; he’s pulled back from treating them as comrades but he’s also retreated from giving orders. I noted in my last analysis that it looked like Time was calling the shots – but he’s not actually continued doing that. Once they set out, it seems like he’s just.... stopped.

Stopped engaging with them, and stopped reacting until something drastic (like the skultula, or bewilderment about the Epona comment) forces him to react, as happened with the likelike ages back.

A brief repeat of my prior analysis: while it’s been three years for us, between the last time Time smiled (when Sky asked him about Malon in ‘Miss Her’) to now, in-comic it has been maybe a few days, depending on how long Twilight took to recover. In that time, they battled Dink (who they don’t yet understand) Twilight ran off alone, showed back up and was taken out in seconds. Time made the split-second decision to save Twilight rather than battle an iron knuckle ala his era, and now we’re here.

Something I noticed on revisiting analysis is that we have seen Time get upset and off-balance before: when Wind began asking him about the Hero’s Legacy as well. Some of what people say when they analyze Time & Twilight stuff is how Time acts towards Twilight, as his son/descendent – but Wind is, in a sense, also Time’s successor and he reacted much the same way to him, too. Notably, Twilight in the midst of his injuries explicitly states some of his stubbornness is about his feelings about said legacy – both when he refuses to rest in the immediate, and while delirious in bed.

Whatever Time’s own burdens, Twilight very well may have actively made Time worse without realizing it. Knowing that someone looks up to you and has pushed himself to nearly dying would upset anyone, nevermind someone who possibly has been a commander (and, therefore, responsible for other people's safety) before too.

The tension of the Chain struggling to to sort themselves out in the dungeon is not helping, although I don't think everyone is oblivious to it. Warriors attempted to reassure him when they discussed the Iron Knuckle's survival, and they do still defer to him (Sky looks for his approval before entering the portal) even if they don't let his bad mood ruin theirs. (eg. Despite his scolding over the skultula, Entrance pt 2 is a playful scene.)

Time was not always like this. He’s playful, teasing the others and showing off his masks; he’s not nosy or controlling– he lets Legend refuse to explain his hair – but not entirely closed off, ala Sky asking him about Malon. I don’t think Jojo intends him to be a grumpy no-fun asshole (she drew this dayglo nonsense in the middle of Twilight taking forever to die), so I wonder.

What is the reason for his stress? And where is Jojo going with it? I’m deeply curious to see how the dungeon is going to play out, when someone who should be among their strongest members is so compromised. I don't think it's gone unnoticed, and my prediction (and, tbh, hope because I like the dynamic) is that Warriors may step in and try to get Time to calm down...

But mostly I wrote this to reiterate my feelings: I don't think this is "a bad mood." Time is legitimately upset, possibly triggered, and I am very sure -- as much as Twilight may have caused it -- it's not just about him.

(And, let me repeat bc I'm sure someone will try to take this and run with it: Twilight is not responsible for this.

He is not guilty in any way with respect to Time's trauma or subsequent behaviour; there's no way he could've known this would happen. I hope if it does keep coming up someone steps between them to cut it off... but acting like Twilight did nothing to set this off downplays how the group dynamic affects everyone and has the potential to cause conflict all on its own.

It's ten times more interesting to see that Time is reacting to something Twilight actually did, than some nebulous attachment to an idea of "family" that overrules sense, reason, or having met each other literally days or weeks ago at best.)

[jttwlmkaddiction]

Can I Just take a moment to scream into the void my frustrations about how WELL they write Wukong so we have NO IDEA what’s going on with anything and theorizing is practically impossible?

S5 spoilers included sportactically

.

.

.

.

He is THE one in the show that does not give up anything about what he does and does not know and when he does it’s easily counter with another statement that counters it or brings it into question. He’s surprised Azure came back but not Macaque, for example. He never has a plan, yet everything he does nudges everything in the direction it needs to go. I’ve said before that he is the most planning non-planner that has ever existed. I see it as him having incredibly fine-tuned instincts that in his existence is the same as having a carefully detailed 20-step plan that others would have but i digress…

Does he know what’s really going on? Clearly not, but he knows something. Did he know there were trials? He acts like he doesn’t but simultaneously does things like divert MK from the mural and push him to go to the colored stone, which apparently he didn’t know was up there (but DID he though????) He is frustratingly good at making everyone think he’s a bit dense but it’s clear he’s not. It’s seems like he’s taking a back seat and it’s all intentional.

Did he kill Macaque? Something happened. He doesn’t give ANY indications about his take on what happened. He doesn’t seem surprised when Macaque comes back yet in their argument he questions how he did. In the flashback he seems shocked though, like he didn’t understand what he just saw. But when MK questions if Macaque’ll get away, Wukong acts upset about it, like he knows Macaque didn’t get away from HIM. SO…????????

It’s like things just happen around him and he literally doesn’t question anything ever (Macaque even points that out) yet he is the 4D chess guy who is always acting (not thinking) 5 steps ahead of everyone else. He’s impulsive but that’s his schtick and he uses it to his advantage by making everyone think he’s flying by the seat of his pants . Which to be fair he kinda is but just because he can’t really verbalize what he’s planning to anyone doesn’t mean he isn’t thinking through dozens of high-level scenarios.

I don’t buy that he is just sitting back letting things happen yet he does seem surprised when he realizes what MK is going to do. I don’t buy that he hadn’t already put that together, especially since he shared the initial vision with MK. Maybe he was already counting on it being him and wasn’t even considering MK would try. Maybe he got a DIFFERENT vision. Who the hell knows? He’s not gonna tell.

He has no idea who the NHD is. And it seems to bother him. It’s not the first time he doesn’t remember stuff, but it really seems to puzzle him. This is the guy that has been manipulating everything almost the whole show, and not necessarily in a bad way. If ANYTHING I’d say he and Wukong were probably friends. I mean - he DID free MK early so he could get a taste for life and have context to make a decision. That’s totally a thing Wukong would be on board with, especially if it was a monkey born from his own stone. If NHD did something in the past that make them enemies, what was it when the big bad he did this time was just to let MK experience life? It’s not exactly a dick move.

The only thing I can come up with, other than he 1) just has no idea what’s going on and 2) he totally knows and is just playing his part, is that it’s 3) a bit of both.

The cycles happen. The show is subbing the idea in for reincarnation, I think, because if the gang was reincarnated in the usual way it would be at odds with the whole ‘reaching enlightenment’ thing because reincarnation is in effect, a punishment-ish to try and get it all right. But if everyone gets recycled at the same time, that’s different. What I can’t wrap my head around is that Wukong is immortal, so what happens to him? Does a cycle reset all the gods too? I doubt it, probably just the mortal realm, but he arguably walks the line between moral and celestial since he was born from the stone yet worked his way up to having all the celestial powers and rank. He is literally born of earth and sky.

So, I wonder if it happened before but it affected his memory. My current theory, which is going to be 100% wrong but my brain needs to make order out of the history before the chaos they just unleashed, is that the exact same scenario happened with Wukong and Macaque that happened with Wukong and MK, which Macaque somewhat remembers but Wukong does not - at least not entirely.

Stay with me here - I think Macaque tried to sacrifice himself and Wukong tried to stop him, and because he is the 6-eared macaque or because he was technically dead, he wasn’t impacted by a cycle reset and because Wukong is immortal he only wound up with his memories affected for some reason, which he does recognize.

But because Wukong is Wukong and operated just as much on his gut as he does his mind and he is the closiest closed book I HAVE EVER SEEN we have NO idea what is happening in that stupid monkey’s head which means whatever is happening we get NO clues from him and if we do it’s unreliable! Is he really just dumb and doesn’t think about all this stuff? Does he know exactly what’s going on? Does he realize that there is something wrong with him but because he doesn’t know what it is he just chugs along following his instincts and trying to piece it all together silently in his head? The guy is OLD and I could see either him OR Macaque manipulating everyone, however benign or not, for any myriad of reasons. Macaque sure as hell is hiding stuff but the show lets us know that he is (or - it’s possible he doesn’t remember EITHER), so we can piece some things together but not so for the Monkey King.

Anyway……they write Wukong so annoyingly tight-lipped that he doesn’t even give a HINT of what he’s thinking or feeling other than MK and to some extent, Macaque and that makes it really difficult to theorize because he is arguably the most important piece of the giant puzzle.

*SIIIGHH* /rant

[unvsannvs]

Okay, I was hit with a wave of realization on my rewatch of this whole scene.

Intense House MD finale analysis below the cut!

House is pissed at Wilson, but then looks at his Vicodin in his hand, giving the most hurt, distraught face I’ve ever seen as he remembers the torture that he and Wilson endured, recalling his trembling hand easing that same pain medication into Wilson’s mouth; House remembered the whole night, and most likely that particular scene, as Wilson begs for morphine, yet could only be supplied those shitty pills. Ultimately, this harsh reminder makes House decide to let Wilson do what he wants; out of guilt, out of understanding, so be it (I’ll explain what I believe it is in a minute.)

On top of this, it transitions from House looking up with that face, sighing shakily, to Wilson, alone in his dim and hollow kitchen, clearly thinking about House as well. It transitions to House again, playing the piano, and glancing up, immediately going back to Wilson, to demonstrate how they are both overthinking their entire lives with each other at the same time. As Wilson goes to grab a drink, this reveals he is thinking of House in a bad light: he’s still pissed at House and he’s looking to repress it through drinking, just as House was pissed at him before making his decision in that recent clip with the Vicodin. But, seeing the Oreos, and being hit with a wave of fondness (his weakness), Wilson then decides to let House have what he wants.

Essentially, their parallel scenes here demonstrate both House and Wilson making their switch in choice to value the other persons needs above all else, and worst of all, they both are persuaded by the one thing that has defined and attracted their characters to each other from the start: House’s misery and recollection of his worst past time with Wilson from seeing his Vicodin persuades him to change his mind for Wilson’s sake, while Wilson’s fondness and recollection of his best past times with House from seeing the Oreos causes him to sacrifice his last decision for House’s sake.

Yeah, that casually slapped me in my noggin. I think I have a scar. Now, you can assume from this new angle of information what you will, but House could have changed his mind for countless reasons.

One idea is that Wilson making this life and death decision for House instead of himself causes House too much grief (House spent a whole episode about furniture trying to get Wilson to do something for himself, and Amber did the same; ‘female house’ doing this as well was a way to emphasize House’s belief that Wilson needs to be more independent and value his own personal wants over others when decision-making, let alone the one that decides his fate).

Maybe, House realizes that he feels incredibly understanding of what pain he let Wilson endure on his sofa - emotionally and physically - and ergo, is scared for Wilson, and can’t stand the thought of him going through that pain again, but in the one place Wilson begged not to be. As House looks at the Vicodin, he envisions Wilson become depressed and constantly in pain like he’d been on that couch, in an awful reflection of House himself from the one person he cares for the most, and all for the sake of House alone, given that in Wilson’s view, he has nothing else to live for.

Another could be that this reminder pushed House to feel a spark of need/love for Wilson’s presence, but more for his fuller, happier and guilt-free self for five months than the pitiful, unwanted version of Wilson in a hospital bed for an extra year.

It could easily be all the above, and most of them blend together anyway. I feel House changed his mind on account of all of these and many more (please let me know what you think it is! I love angsty stuff), but to summarize, this clip leaks way too much about House’s character development, showing the emotions that drive him to make the decision of letting Wilson be, and enjoying what they have left together, against all firm opinions he has well established throughout the show, as well as it demonstrates the climax of Wilson’s sacrificial and selfless behaviour being rejected and put to rest, as they both decide what’s best for each other rather than whatever their characters were full-force dedicated to before (Wilson’s selflessness and House’s selfishness).

[yallthemwitches]

Free Fall

“What are you doing,” Lily hissed at him. “Get up, we are going to the hospital wing right now.”

“What was I supposed to do? Stand you up? I’d rather let the bludger cut my head clean off—“

For @jilytoberfest Day 7, Prompt:🎶“No grave can hold my body down, I’ll crawl home to her” - Work Song by Hozier

I decided to take a lighter, fluffy route knowing this prompt would get angsty fast ;)

AO3 Link Here

Falling into a rhythm had been surprisingly easy.

“It’s really not so bad, “ Lily explained,”—at the very least we get free drinks and food—sometimes if we are lucky, Wheeler gets piss drunk and starts singing into cauldrons.”

 She leaned over the table, face flush from laughing. It was a new routine of sorts, born out of the habits they had built on their own. Both of them always went to the library after their second class, Lily using the time to study and James something similar albeit questionable. The talking part just came naturally from there, first starting as a little comment or question here and there, evolving into an interaction that Lily hated to admit she very much looked forward to.  

 James reclined in his seat, watching her describe a typical Slugclub party with more interest than the event deserved. For years he had always been the embodiment of chaos, like Hogwarts' very own bespectacled Pan, not at all the soft and warm presence Lily met with in the library for months now. Sometimes it plagued her. How much change could he have possibly made over one summer? For years, she had never believed Remus’ insistence that he could be anything but an annoying git—but the proof sat in front of her. It worried her how refreshing it was.

“Wow, Evans. I can’t believe you are actually selling this to me right now.” James clanked the feet of his chair back onto the floor, laughter riddled on his face.

“I’ve heard I’m very persuasive.”

“Well riddle me persuaded.”

 They both leaned forward, eyeing each other across the table. For a millisecond James’ eyes flitted to her lips.

Maybe she had been distracted by his clear desire to kiss her in that moment, but she didn’t remember making the decision before the words came out.

“Well—,” her voice turned quiet, “maybe you could come by this time—I mean, if Slughorn allows you in the door.”

A smile burst on his face and Lily swore the room got a bit brighter. His hand sprung to his hair, knocking his glasses more askew than normal. 

“Yeah? Maybe I will then.”

Neither dared to call it a date. 

*********

It had been exactly forty-five minutes since Lily arrived—not that she was counting.

“Wow—since when did you clean up so much for a Slughorn party?” Marlene  pulled two coupes of champagne off of a passing tray, handing one to Lily.

“I don’t know what you are talking about.”

 Despite her best intentions, she couldn’t stop glancing at the door. James hadn’t exactly confirmed he was going to come, but if the look on his face had been any indication, there was at least a chance he would show. Isn’t this what he always wanted: a date or at least a date adjacent activity? She wracked her brain for any reason he would have to not show, and was upset to realize there were actually a lot. 

“So who is the lucky lad we are waiting for?” Marlene smirked into her glass.

“Again, I don’t know what you are—-“

“Oh fuck off with that Lils, you have been staring at the door, fidgeting like you need to take a piss since you got here. So who is it.”

Lily just took a deep sip of her wine. The dinner portion of the evening was going to begin soon, which meant the window for Potter to attend was closing rapidly. 

She didn’t know what she hated more: getting her hopes up or even wanting to see him in the first place. She replayed the conversation in the library in her brain again, searching for any ambiguity that could explain his absence, a losing game.

Sinking into her seat, the house elves arrived with platters of ham and potatoes stacked higher than their heads. Slughorn rambled on about the newest developments in the Wolfsbane potion, sloshing his sherry at his wary table guests while Marlene had all but abandoned Lily in her wallowing, opting to lean herself over her plate to gossip with Hufflepuff Amelia Sparrow a couple seats down.

“Did you hear what happened? Potter got—-“

Lily stopped cutting her potato,  head shooting up to look across the table. Amelia’s eyes were glinting behind her glasses as they always did when she had some real juicy gossip to share. Marlene was practically kneeling in her chair to crane towards her, blocking poor Eddie Fay from his meal.

 It was difficult to hear with the rest of the noise of the party, but she was able to make out a word every so often that set her heart rate into acceleration.

“Accident—bludger—free fall—“

A call from the other end of the table ruined her strained listening. She tried to smile as Sluhorn introduced her to a rather unpleasant man across the table, all her brain power focused on catching the rest of Amelia’s gossip, panic setting in.

“ I didn’t see him but I heard it was bad.”

A knock startled her. The wood door creaked as it whipped open and a slender body trudged into the room.

“Wow, I guess fashionably late doesn’t apply here.”

The whole table went silent in horror at James’ entrance. He was the embodiment of battered: still in his quidditch kit, dry blood caked his neck and the shoulder of his jersey. A bandage wrapped around the crown of his head, covering one eye and rendering his glasses half useful. Hair new levels of untidy with clumps of blood caked dirt riddled throughout. 

“Alright Evans?”

He moved over to her, his smile partly shrouded by dirt and blood. Slughorn stood up at his seat, clamoring for something to say to his new guest.

“Good Lord Potter! What happened to you? And why in Merlin's name are you here?”

An elf made a spot for James at the table and a chair floated over from the wall. 

“Evans invited me—-thought you wouldn’t mind,” James gave Lily a little wink as she gawked back at him. Closer now, she could see that whatever headwound he sported, it was very much still open and bleeding. 

“That’s fine my boy, but your looking a bit—-“

“Oh this?” James pointed at his head, “Nah, its alright. Had worse—-can you pass the potatoes?”

The party attempted to go back to normalcy, but with noticeably more whispers than small talk. James cut into his food like nothing was wrong, asking politely if the house elf could refresh his wine after downing the first glass in a single sip. 

“What are you doing,” Lily hissed at him. “Get up, we are going to the hospital wing right now.”

James took another sip of his wine, a little smile pulling at his lips. 

“Bad luck, Evans. Already been there—it's surprising how hard it is to sneak past Pomfrey…probably didn’t help I’m one eye down but—“

“What,” Lily bellowed. “I knew you were a nutter Potter, but this—this..”

James turned his body to her, wincing as his head turned. 

“I hear you Evans, but what was I supposed to do? Stand you up? I’d rather let the bludger cut my head clean off—“

Her cheeks grew pink and James smiled brighter. He continued to chew on a piece of potato, but his breathing was becoming more haggard by the second. A line of blood trickled from his bandage.

She knew he was stubborn, but this was reaching new limits. She placed a hand over his cutting hand and he froze under her touch. 

“If I come with you, will you go to the hospital wing?”

“Will you sit with me?” Even in pain, he sounded cheeky.

“Yes.”

“—And will you make a big scene of leaving, like we just can’t wait another minute to shag..”

“James.”

“Ok-ok… snog.”

Lily ignored him, standing up and offering him her hand. He stared at it, a smile pulling at his cheeks. The whole room stopped to watch as James placed a shaky hand in hers, using her as leverage to pull himself out of his seat, his bandage now completely soaked through with blood.  

Under different circumstances she would have been more embarrassed as he leaned himself against her, but despite his state, he was warm and strong. A nice reminder that he was alive and would presumably keep on living. 

Despite his demands, she didn’t say anything to the crowd as they left the room, assuming the situation spoke for itself. Out in the hall, James righted himself a bit more, trying to carry his own weight on shaky limbs.

“Sorry I mucked it up Evans—old habits I guess.”

Lily looked at him but he stared straight ahead, a grimace of disappointment passed on his face. She gave his hand a squeeze and he looked down between them, brightening up from the little reminder that they were still connected.

“You can make it up to me with an explanation when we get to the hospital wing,“She teased, “I expect great detail and wild gestures.”

“So you’ll stay?” He tightened his grip in her hand, relief washing over him. 

Lily smirked, “It’s not everyday your date lets himself bleed out just to show up to dinner.”

 He looked at her like he did so often in the darkness of the library, like she could say or do anything and he would follow with rapt attention. They started walking again and she felt James’ arm slide around her waist, holding her tight to his side. He was warm and getting more stable by the second. She realized she wanted him close, in whatever form that took. So close, she didn’t even mind when he leaned down, resting his bloody head to hers. 

[shepscapades]

Hiii I LOVEEEEE your DBC AU so much!!!!! You've given me a concerning level of brainrot =w= I just have question about the new part that just came out: why is Etho going crazy? Is it bc of the trauma? Or is it smth else?

HI thank you!!! <3 It’s been mentioned here and there (I think I talked about it in the Part 1 post), but it’s probably not a bad idea to recap every now and then for any new folks. (I then proceeded to write everything out more detail than I’ve ever talked about it before!) so hopefully this makes things a little more clear! Gbjdghkvjm

Etho, who was still trying to get used to a full range of emotions on top of his first life series, had a REALLY hard time with how Last Life ended— the adrenaline and fear of Death Games’ Survival of the Fittest and being pit against all of his friends is one thing, but something about his relationship with bdubs was so much more important to him, and he essentially blames himself for bdubs’ permanent death in the series. He vividly remembers (has recorded + logged the memories of) himself telling bdubs he wouldn’t give him a life unless he killed one of the other reds— remembers bdubs saying he’ll kill to earn the life, remembers him looking so earnest and determined, vividly remembers the moment the message rang out that Bdubs had gotten his kill, and the message that Grian had killed Bdubs shortly after.

Etho never quite forgave himself for being the self-perceived reason bdubs dies (after all, he should have just given bdubs the life if he really cared and wanted him to survive), and he takes this grief back with him as they return to Hermitcraft Season 8. As someone who’s very new to feelings of guilt and failure, you can imagine how hard he took this— reviewing the memories again and again, trying to understand why he made those decisions, realizing how selfish he is, comparing his “failure to protect bdubs” to when he was first assigned to Bdubs, when he sacrificed himself to keep Bdubs safe.

As the moon situation escalated and hermitcraft got increasingly busy, Etho couldn’t find it in himself to confront bdubs (maybe not seeing himself fit to deserve bdubs’ forgiveness, or fearing Bdubs’ disappointment or anger with him) and his fears and regrets kind of slowly ate away at him until it shut him down. It’s actually a recurring theme for Etho that, because of the damage he sustained from the creeper blast that caused his deviancy, his systems are actually kind of fragile when it comes to pushing them to their extremes. When he feels an extraordinary amount of overwhelming emotion, his thirium pump starts to work in overdrive, and thirium starts leaking from all of the places his shell is cracked— his face, his shoulder, and his arm.

So the idea is that, Etho returns to Season 8 trying to… more or less forget about what happened— except he can’t, he’s obsessed with what happened, and his emotions start to overwhelm him until thirium starts to leak and whatnot. But I think deviants are fairly used to “dismissing” warnings, as sometimes their thirium pump will skip, their temperature will rise, or other system updates may happen when they feel certain emotions, and Etho is so distracted (or. Trying to be distracted) that he doesn’t realize he’s dismissing Thirium Loss notifications until it’s too late. He begins to shut down with Last Life on his mind, and the system errors that follow are all garbled out.

This technically happens before the moon destroys the server, which means etho is offline, or broken, or what have you, when the server gets destroyed, and this is actually what truly glitches him out. When Xisuma and Doc try to reboot him at the beginning of season 9, Etho’s system is caught on a glitch: Etho had shut down thinking about last life, so his programming is trying to eliminate the threat who killed bdubs as an attempt to fix what happened (bdubs dying). Etho’s trying to eliminate grian (who isn’t a threat anymore, because this isn’t last life, last life was ages ago) but he’s not thinking straight and can’t process anything beyond the Desperation+Fear+Guilt. Since Grian’s not in the room, he goes for the next best thing: the person who might be able to tell him where Grian is: the server admin. Doc just gets in the way of Etho trying to get to Xisuma, so Etho “decommissions” Doc in an attempt to remove him from the equation.

So um. Yeah! That should be everything more or less explained… hopefully it also clears up some details you may or may not notice in the comics! Etho starts leaking thirium throughout the destruction comics, Etho goes for Xisuma first… Etho having memory flashbacks of Last Life. If anything is particularly confusing feel free to ask more questions! But it’s kinda nice to be able to write out how I’ve logic’d out all of this happening in my head hehe (i plan on posting the DBHC Etho playlist soon with a brief explanation of each song in Etho’s timeline, so hopefully that will help too!) :]

[sillysowa]

Can you do a Hobie x fem!reader having to do with the song Rebel Yell by Billy Idol? I’ve been obsessed with that song lately. Ofc the song may not be Hobie’s style but the lyrics could be quite interesting for a fun night iykyk

(And in the end he would probably start liking the song bc of the good night they had together all because of the implications the song has)

absolutely anon!<3 sorry for the wait.

REBEL YELL!

pairing: hobie brown x fem!reader

genre: angst, fluff, smut

word count: 2.2k

warnings: not proofread! hickeys, vaginal fingering, vaginal sex

authors note: got a little carried away with the angst but don’t worry it has a happy ending!

synopsis: you had promised hobie he’d never see you again, but you both knew it was a lie

—

You told Hobie he’d never see you again…after that night, you were afraid of the grip he had over your mind. He altered with your brain chemistry and made it difficult for you to make reasonable decisions—or so you said. You both knew it was just too much; he was something you weren’t used to. He took his time with you, never expected anything from you, loved and fucked you like he meant it—it was brand new, and you were almost positive it was love.

It had been almost half a year since that night, since you’d last been in that apartment. You missed the smell, the feeling, the love. He treated you so good even until the end. He let you leave because he only wanted you to be happy…

—

“You know i’ll always be here, sweetheart.” Hobie whispered against your skin, his arm over your stomach and his lips on your neck. He had destroyed you all night, and loved you all morning like he does best. His sheets smelled like sex and your perfume and his touch gently broke down your walls. You weren’t ready for it and he knew that.

You got out of his bed, those long fingers dragging across your skin as you left his warmth. Hobie just watched you, dark eyes following your naked figure covered in hickeys and small bite marks that he had given you throughout the night. You slipped on your clothes, adjusting them in the mirror when you noticed Hobie in the reflection. You hadn’t realized he had gotten out of bed, his hands coming to your waist and his eyes boring into yours through the reflection. He looked beautiful, so peaceful in the dark night hours with you.

“If you truly want to leave me…m’not stopping you…but i’ll never stop loving you Y/N.” He whispered the confession that had weighed down his tongue for far too long into the air, his heart tearing apart at the sight of you so conflicted in his arms, under his touch. You kissed him one last time before you grabbed your bag and you left, telling yourself that you would never get this close to hurting yourself again.

—

You were ready for him now, speeding down the highway in your car. Your red heels pressed on the gas, not even needing the directions because how could your brain ever forget this drive? You would always know the turns and twists to Hobie’s place. You pulled up on the side of the road under the illumination of a street lamp, checking yourself over one last time in the mirror before you opened the car door, stepping out into the chilled summertime air. This was it.

As you took the stairs up, your heels echoing around you, you thought of what you would say. “Hey Hobie, sorry I was too scared to be with you because you’re the only person i’ve ever truly loved, wanna give it a second try?” There was really no easy or casual way to get back into his life you imagined—you were worried you hurt him—maybe even so bad that he wouldn’t want you back. God, what if he has new girl? What if he was over it? Your fists clenched as you walked to his floor, your heartbeat pounding like a bass drum in your ears. You could hear music bleeding out from behind his door, and your heart rate kicked into high gear as the far away tune became distinct—clearly, you had left your Billy Idol vinyl at his place the last time you slept together—six months ago. He had always teased you about your taste, saying Billy Idol wasn’t as good as you claimed, but he only did it to see you get all frustrated and petty. He loved everything about you, even your music taste…so when you left him that night and he had to sit in the silence of your absence, he held onto the last piece left behind that you had ever been there—your vinyl.

You heard it now, the racing guitar of your favorite song making the fine hairs in your ears stand up, your hand raised to knock pausing outside his door…he was playing along. Hobie was playing along so well you could barely even notice the added guitar. You felt a surge of emotions flood your veins, your knees weakening. With squinted eyes and a sigh, you pulled yourself together.

You tapped your knuckles against the door, your entire body trembling in anticipation.

—

Hobie rolled his eyes at the sound of knocking on door, preparing himself for a noise complain even though he had turned the music down significantly. He really missed you tonight…it had been so long. He couldn’t help it when he wanted nothing more than to drown out his emotions with something you had loved him to.

“I’m coming.” He groaned.

—

“I’m coming.” His muffled voice rasped behind the door and you could’ve died right there. You wanted to press your cheek against the door and melt through it, you wanted to be his again, you couldn’t wait any longer for him to open that damn door. God, you prayed you looked good…

—

With heavy steps, Hobie cracks his sore neck and unlocked his door, opening it and revealing who waited on the other side. The tiredness and annoyance practically vanished off his face in an instant as his heart clenched in his chest. It was you. You were standing outside his door with your pretty eyes looking up at his, dressed up and visibly just as nervous as him. He couldn’t speak, so many words coming to mind but none making it out his mouth, he just held the doorframe with his jaw slack,

“Hobie…” You whisper, your red-heeled foot nervously swaying, “I know I told you I was leaving but… I miss you Hobie, and I can’t be away from you any longer...i’m so sorry for running…” You confess, mustering up all the courage you can and taking a step closer to him, gently touching his arm with your glossy eyes locking onto his.

He could have sworn he was dreaming and that you weren’t in front of him right now, but he knew that touch better than anything—you were real, and you were back. He exhaled a breath he didn’t know he was holding in, this weight that had been dropped on him ever since you left lifting off his shoulders as he holds your chin in his hand,

“Y/N my dear, when I told you i’d wait for you, I meant every word.” He whispers tenderly, his thumb rubbing over your lower lip, “Everyday since you’ve been gone, never once doubted you wouldn’t be back. Y’know I love you and y’know that’ll never change, angel.” Hobie whispered under his breath, his long slender fingers holding your jaw firmly as he leans down, both of your breaths mingling before he closes the gap, kissing you like he’s meant to for months.

You lean against him and he stumbles back, holding you through the kiss while fumbling to close the door as you make your way into his apartment. There was nothing in this earth that could match the feeling of Hobie’s love; his lips on yours just like you love it and his hands under your thighs as he picks you up, your vinyl booming through his speakers as he devotes all his passion to you through his pierced lips. The back of your knees met his bed and you gave in to the fall, his arms caging you in. After kissing until your lips felt numb, he broke away only to catch his breath, his eyes soft as gazes at you,

“You’ve changed…” He whispers but he doesn’t sound disappointed or upset, he sounds curious and genuinely happy for you. You smile,

“Just a bit…still like your lips on my neck though.”

He laughs softly through his nose, leaning down and kissing your neck in that way that makes you melt,

“Yeah I know…still my good girl…” He coo’s, his back muscles tensing under his white tank top. He slipped his hands under your shirt, sucking hickeys into your neck and kneading your boobs gently, his long fingers massaging them. You felt your eyes roll into the back of your head, seeing stars from his tantalizing touch. He peeled your shirt off, tossing it behind himself as he worked on your pants, that hungry look in his eyes that made your pussy wet.

“This alright with you, angel?” His hoarse voice cuts through your dreams and heavy desire, and you nod slowly for him. He strips you nude, his beautiful muse on display for him once more.

He dips his fingers between your thighs, his long and spindly fingers that you can’t get enough of. He toyed with your clit before slipping them deep inside you, mocking sympathy at the way you whimper for him. The feeling of his fingers curling inside you makes your thighs shake, and you cry out,

“M-More Hobie! More, please~” You clutch onto his shirt, your heart pounding and your head light as he pumps his fingers into your soaking pussy that greedily sucks him in, tight and warm,

“What do you want, my love? Hm?” He asked, a seductive smile tugging at the corners of his lips as he looked down at you. He knew what you wanted, but God did he love dragging it out of you,

“Please, Hobie, fuck me…” You groaned, your thighs trembling. He laughed,

“C’mon you know you can’t take me without loosening up a bit.” He teases with his voice an octave lower, nibbling on your earlobe as he fingers you faster, the rhythm of the song spurring him on. He decided to stop teasing you when you moaned brokenly for him, his cock twitching in his sweatpants,

“Alright, alright my love.” He shushed you with his lips on yours, slipping his pants down, his cock hitting his stomach fully hard,

“Look…look what you do to me, angel.” He groans, stroking himself, “Turn around for me.”

You did just as he asked, arching with your ass in the air. With his hands on your waist, Hobie thrusted in, filling you up and almost keeling over at the feeling of being back inside you for the first time in forever,

“F-Fuck…” Hobie hissed, his dick dragging against your tight walls like it’s exactly where it’s supposed to be, his pace growing rapid in need. You tremble and scream at how he fucks you. It’s good—so good,

“Yes! Yes, Hobie, yes right there~! Oh fuck, I need you!” You practically sobbed, your throat tight and your pussy squelching around his cock. The sound of skin slapping rang out in his apartment along with the music, a new melody being crafted through your passion.

Your body, mind, and heart needed this more than you could ever imagine. The feeling of Hobie’s touch as he fucked you like this had tears welling up in your eyes, and you couldn’t help but scream for him,

“Hobie! Hobie I…” He broke you down, the feeling of him pumping so deep inside you nearly sucking the air out of your lungs and leaving you speechless. He thrusted and thrusted, your fingers clenching the sheets under you like a lifeline as he filled you with pleasure. You cried for him and he felt his heart throb,

“I know my love, c’mon and let it all out.” Hobie moaned, his skin sweaty and his dick hot inside you. The friction was becoming unbearable and he knew he was going to die inside you if he kept going like this, but he fucking loved it. You unraveled under him, screaming like he was taking your soul as you came, dripping down your thighs and making a mess. Hobie fucked you through it all, your pussy growing sore quickly as he pumped inside. With a desperate whimper he pulled out, cumming all over your back. He stroked every last drop out, sighing at the sight of you pressed against his sheets and looking up at him so sweetly.

He pulled his tank top off and wiped you off with it, tossing it into his laundry and flopping down beside you, pulling you against his chest. ‘Eyes Without A Face’ played softly in his room, as he looked into your eyes. Hobie knew he’d never have to see you walk away from him again by the way you called his name in your after glow,

“Hobie…”

“Yes doll?” He murmured, his hand cupping your face,

“I love you.” You whispered, telling him what he already knew but never thought he’d hear aloud. In that moment, Hobie wished he could have frozen time to just bask in what that felt like. He never wanted to let go of that high. He leaned forward and kissed you softly, just his lips pressed against yours for a second before he held you to his chest,

“I love you more.”

Your vinyl spun to its end soon later, two lovers wrapped up together in the midnight and clinging to each other in their sleep. Hobie felt in his soul that he would do absolutely anything for you—anything to have you in his arms like this every single night, and the would so just that. For now, he would just hold you tighter in his sleep and make love to you all night in his dreams.

—

@ohxx @luxxtuxx @fatenpara @hobesbf @defnot-bri

[kiszka-jake]

Chapter 4: Road Not Taken

Chapter 4

Katie’s POV- November 2017

“Slow down, why are we running?” Jake slurred. I stopped in the middle of the deserted campus and spun around to face him.

“God, you don’t even see what you’ve turned into,” I felt the tears welling up in my eyes as he just stood there staring at me, “The old you would’ve hugged me and tried to make me feel better. You wouldn’t insult my friends, make a fool of yourself and flirt with other girls in front of me.” 

He didn’t respond to me but took out a cigarette and lit it. He closed his eyes and blew the smoke up to the dark night sky before he answered me. 

“Maybe you’re the one who’s changed. I’m doing what I always wanted to do and you can’t even be happy for me.” 

“I’ve done nothing but support you. I go to your shows, I let your fans be mean to me and never say anything. I let you forget about me for days on end.” I tried to slow my breathing as I watched him take in what I said. 

He started laughing quietly and got louder as he spun around on the walkway. He shook his head and let out one last laugh before facing me. 

“Do you hear yourself? I didn’t insult your friends tonight, but they’re all douche bags that think they’re better than me because they go to Harvard. I just toured Europe, and released an EP that people love. And our fans would never be mean to you,” He ended with an eye roll and a look of disbelief that I would even say that. “They always ask me about you. They’re just jealous.” 

The tears were rolling freely down my face as I answered, “So I have to be okay with mean comments to my face? And rude messages? I mean yeah who wouldn’t be jealous of me? I have a drunk boyfriend that ignores me.” 

His beautiful face was contorted into anger. He shook his head like he couldn’t believe the words I was saying. “You could’ve been with me this whole time. We could be living this dream together. As a family.” His face hardened when he said the last sentence and his eyes locked onto mine.

I stood frozen in place as the wind whipped my hair all around. “Is that what this is about? You’re still holding onto that decision we made in high school? Don’t forget we made it together.” I tried to say it with conviction even though my heart felt like it was going to physically break. 

He matched my silence for a moment before answering. “You were the one who wanted to get an abortion. How could I tell you I didn’t want that?”

My knees buckled with the weight of his words. There it was. The thing we avoided. The thing we never discuss anymore. “I think you’re really drunk and saying things you don’t mean right now.” I turned to keep walking back to my dorm, but his hand reached out to stop me.

“Why do you think I drink all the time? Maybe I’m trying to forget my biggest regret in life. I can’t talk to anyone about it because you made me swear I wouldn’t tell. I didn’t even tell Josh because that’s what you wanted, but you’ve never brought it up again. You just wanted to come to this school so bad, but I could’ve taken care of us. I have a record deal, but I should have a family too. You took that away from us.” I could hear the pain he was trying to hide in his voice. The pain I didn’t even know he still had. 

I wrapped my arms around myself and tried to blink back the tears clouding my vision. “Why would we still talk about it? We were seventeen, and I thought we moved on. If this is the reason you’ve been like this, you could’ve talked to me.” I whispered. 

He looked at me with pity and kept the distance between us. “How could you not realize it was hurting me again? You didn’t notice how it hurts me every time someone brings their little kid to our shows? You think I’m fucking heartless like you apparently are?” His words were laced with a venom that was meant to poison our love. 

I started backing up down the sidewalk,”I think we should just talk about this tomorrow morning when you’re sober.” I spat out between sobs. 

He didn’t even care that his words were like a knife to my chest. He just stood there staring at me with that stupid cigarette in his mouth. My tears didn’t impact him at all. 

He cocked his head to the side and opened his mouth to twist the knife more.”What’s the point?” 

I stayed silent and let him continue. 

“We can’t change the past. We’ve just been trying to outrun it this whole time.” 

He paused for a moment like he was going to take it all back and apologize. His face flashed back to the kind boy I used to know. But then he opened his mouth to break my heart for the final time. 

“We’re done.” 

I felt my sadness being replaced by a rush of anger as he turned to walk away. My voice came out loud as I yelled after him, ”You really think we could’ve raised a baby on a tour bus? You wouldn’t have any of this. We’d be stuck in Michigan with nothing.” 

He turned back around to face me and looked at me like he pitied me. “It would’ve been fine. We would’ve made it work.” 

I rolled my eyes at his flippant response. Of course he would say that. He thinks everything can work out now just because people adore him and he has help for everything. 

“So what you mean is it would’ve been okay for me to give up my dreams, but you wouldn’t have given up yours.” I said it with all the anger I had left in me, “Didn’t you say you were happy for me when I got in here?” I waved my hand around to gesture at the campus. 

He nodded his head and eyed all the buildings surrounding us. He dropped his cigarette on the cobblestone and shoved his hands in his coat pockets before answering me. “And you believed me? You’re pretty stupid for being so smart.” 

He gave me once last glance before turning around and walking away. 

Katie’s POV- October 2023

It’s only 8pm and Lyla was already asleep after wearing herself out at her birthday party. I pulled the blankets over her and quietly slipped off the bed when I heard a tap against the window. I paused in the doorway and heard the noise again. I walked to the window, pulled the blinds back and saw Jake standing in the backyard with a fistful of pebbles he grabbed from my dad’s garden. 

“What the fuck?” I silently mouthed at him. He threw the pebbles in the grass and gestured for me to come down. He can’t take the hint to leave me alone. I hurried downstairs, grabbed my dad’s sweatshirt hanging by the screen door and  stepped onto the back porch. He was in the same outfit from earlier with no jacket on to protect him from the cold night air blowing around us. He was leaning over the railing with his back to me, and he didn’t even turn around to acknowledge my presence. 

“My parents are out to dinner with my aunt. You could’ve just knocked on the door.” I said to his back while shifting my weight around to stay warm. 

He ignored my statement and kept looking out at the yard when he finally spoke in a flat and even tone like he had rehearsed what he wanted to say. 

“Six minutes and thirty two seconds.” 

I turned his words over in my head to try to make sense of them. He pushed off the railing and turned around to look at me. The glow of the moon highlighted the beautiful angles of his face. 

“That’s how long it takes to drive from my house to yours. I started counting the seconds in kindergarten when we had our first play date. I knew no matter what happened that I could be here in six minutes and thirty two seconds.” He reached his hand into his shirt pocket and pulled out a joint. He stood on my porch and lit it while I took in his words. 

He exhaled a cloud of smoke and continued,“Then you moved to Boston and I was still here, but it was okay,” his voice cracked and he took a beat to stare at the moon, “because I knew I could get a flight and be there in an hour and fifty four minutes.” He turned to lock eyes with me and walked a step closer while I stayed firmly planted. 

“Then I started to leave here and you were still there. But that was okay too because every time I got to a different city, I would find the fastest flight to Boston and know I could still get to you.”

He sighed and took another long drag from his joint. He threw it on the porch and rubbed his boot on it to put it out. He walked down the steps to stand in the grass and look up at the stars.

I felt the weight of all of his words sinking in. The small ways he thought about me that I had no idea about. I started to open my mouth to respond when he started talking again. His voice was filled with more desperation and panic now like he needed to get everything out. 

“Then we had that stupid fight and I had too much pride to chase after you and apologize. I was 21 and I thought I was a rockstar. I thought I didn’t need you,” I saw the pain from that night so long ago resurfacing on his face. It all comes back to that night for us, “I still have the last text I ever sent you on my phone. I don’t think about it everyday anymore, but in the back of my mind I still know it’s there.”

He pulled his phone out and scrolled all the way down and flipped it around to show me. He still had the phone facing me when he began reciting it. 

“It’s midnight here in California. We play Coachella this week and I wish you were with me. You’re only 8 hours and 23 minutes away if you catch the next flight. I hope you’re thinking of me too.” He slid the phone back in his pocket and stared at me with glistening eyes. 

“And I waited for you to see it. I figured you were asleep, but then it was the morning and you still didn’t answer. I think I knew then that I had lost you forever.” He turned away from me and ran his hands through his long hair. 

I walked down the steps to stand next to him in the grass. “I never got that text.” I whispered to him, “I blocked your number because I was making myself sick hoping you’d call me after that night. I had to block you to move on.” 

He chuckled to himself and smiled kindly at me. “I should’ve figured that out.” He said. The moon was shining down on a us like a spotlight as we stood awkwardly together with the past still between us. He turned suddenly and reached a hand out towards my face. He brushed a piece of hair out of my eyes and let his hand linger. 

“I came to say all of that because I had to get it out. It’s been in me for 5 years and I needed to let it go in case I never see you again.” He dropped his hand and searched my face for an answer, “I can’t change what I said back then, but I’d really like to try and show you how sorry I am. Five bad minutes and I ruined everything” He said it all with a hint of sadness like he knew it wouldn’t be enough for me. 

I needed to hear his words just as much as he needed to say them. I wanted to fall into his arms and scream out how much I forgave him for everything. I would do it, if there wasn’t a secret between us. A secret that he doesn’t even know is between us from a night he doesn’t remember. 

“Mommy?” Her small voice broke through my thoughts and I turned to see Lyla standing on the porch with Jake’s stuffed dog in her hands again.”You left me.” She said it with a frown and a glance at Jake. 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to. Go back inside and I’ll tuck you in again.” I called to her from my spot in the grass. She rubbed her tired eyes and yawned as she went back inside. I watched until her shadow faded before I looked back at Jake. 

I put a hand on his chest and let my fingers slide over to his exposed skin. “I have a lot to say, but you know it’s complicated and I have to go.” He put his hand over mine as I finished my sentence. 

“My offer for tomorrow still stands. Please come.” He stepped closer to me and leaned in like he was going to kiss me. He gently placed his lips on my cheek and let it linger for a second. He pulled away and slowly dropped my hand as he walked back to the front of the house. 

I was frozen in the same spot until I heard his jeep pulling out of the driveway. I went back inside to find Lyla already back asleep with Mr.Scruffy cradled in her arms. My phone vibrated on my nightstand and I looked down to see a new text from an unknown number. 

Got a new number last year, so don’t block this one too. I’m heading to Detroit now. You’ll only be an hour and thirty seven minute drive away. 

••••••••••

Sorry this one is a little shorter! It was needed to unlock another piece of their puzzle. I really love this one, hope you like!!

tag list: @fleetingjake @sammysstolenbirks @hollyco

[deeplightblue]

Getting off the ship & leaving the restaurant. It’s been a fun ride y’all 😔

I keep thinking about this blind item Deuxmoi published in their June 16 newsletter. Later on when someone asked if it was about N and L they said they didn’t even realize, which I find weird. Now, I think we all know blind items can be sent by anyone on any topic and don’t have to reflect the truth at all. And I definitely don’t believe gossip that I see on DM without a credible source confirming.

So this is probably some troll’s doing and I’m not even going to talk about the N being married part lol. Nothing worth mentioning, actually. But still it resurfaced some thoughts I had.

I truly think N and L loves each other deeply, I don’t believe even the greatest actors could keep playing their characters for months and appear that convincing. Nor do I think they are disingenuous people who will simply fake a friendship for the sake of promo. I’m very confused about the nature of their relationship and whether it’s romantic or platonic, I think even they themselves might be confused on this part, but there is love regardless.

However I cannot help but think L is trying to distance himself from N, at least publicly. I cannot think of any other explanation for the pap pics just a couple of hours after the London premiere. I do not know if it was really him/his team who arranged those pics but if it was them, I think it’s only natural to take it as a “enough with the shipping, I have a gf” slap on fans’ faces. Like, couldn’t you wait for a week maybe?

I saw this being mentioned on some blog here but when you check his insta profile you could hardly tell he was the lead of Bton and co-star of Nic, and mind you it’s only been 3 weeks since part 2 was released. Of course he doesn’t have to share anything but it feels weird him posting his solo endeavors and not the project he put so much effort and time into.

Combined with those pap pics it seems like he is really trying to distance himself from N. But it’s not like there is bad blood between them or anything, we kept seeing them being comfortable and cute around each other until June 12, hours before the premiere. He even mentioned her name in a very silly & sweet manner on Jimmy Fallon. So, what’s the deal?

I think it must be very frustrating to have people read so much into every step you take, so I could understand him in a way. Nobody knows anything about their lives and relationship, we all just speculate and seeing those speculations must be annoying for them. But wouldn’t a simple insta post on how N is his good friend and “buddy” and another post with his gf appear a lot more genuine if shipping is the problem here?

I don’t know. This is my first time doing this with actors and I’ve been in this space for only a month or so, so these are all new to me. I truly believed they were each other’s soulmates and it was enchanting to witness whatever it was going on between them. And if they are just good friends that’s perfect too, I mean how many of us have that kind of connection or chemistry with our “friends”? Good for them!

But sensing his efforts of disassociating his public image from Bton and Nic just breaks my heart. That said, I am officially getting off the ship. I’m leaving the restaurant. My tiny heart cannot take it anymore. Also, it feels disrespectful to L to keep shipping them when it’s clear he doesn’t want that for some reason.

I will love and support both of them separately but I’ll TRY not to post any content about their possible romance. While I cannot promise that I’ll remain faithful to my decision I’ll try my best.

Cheers mfs.

😔

[maxine-gayfield]

Max’s Final Choice: The Problem with Life is Strange Potential Sequels

I want to preface this by saying I am a Life Is Strange fan and as a fan I’ve put too many hours into thinking about this game. I want to say I am excited about Double Exposure because I love Max Caulfield with my whole heart but a game sequel with Max as the protagonist also means trying to create a plot for a story that is already over.

Life is Strange 1 ends with Max having to make a difficult final choice to stop the storm: she can either let the tornado hit the town of Arcadia Bay or go back to the beginning of the week and let Chloe die. And in this essay, let’s explore the game and what the “Save Arcadia Bay” ending means for potential sequels.

But let’s address the elephant in the room first: the true source of Max’s powers is never really revealed in game and to be fair, it doesn’t have to. It’s common in discussions about the game to have people question where her powers come from, why or when (did she already have then? What caused it to manifest?) but I don’t think that’s the point of LiS1 at all. I am, personally, an enjoyer of open endings or works that don’t over explain their plots because I think it does take away a little bit of the point of the story they’re trying to tell in most cases. Just imagine how it would feel if LiS1 had a Christopher Nolan-esque sequence where someone explains everything to Max (in this case, us) without leaving any room for imagination, theories or questions. DON’T NOD, by choosing to not explain the source of her powers, keep the mystical and mysterious nature of the game. It is also a reason why people come back to this discussion from time to time, it’s something interesting to think and talk about, it keeps people engaged. So, we actually don’t know how it works; I don’t know how it works, thus the best I can do is theorize about it. And just because I can, let’s assume that the reason why Max gets her powers in the first place is to save Chloe.

I reckon that Chloe, as a character, is kind of a hit or miss for a lot of people; she’s a fan favorite while also being despised by a good number of people but it is undeniable how much she is important to Max. And I hate to tell you this, player-that-played-the-game-but-disliked-Chloe, but she should be important to you too.

Chloe and Max’s relationship starts when they’re just children and develops throughout the years but it is exactly the years in where they’re absent from each other’s lives that mold their personalities that we see at the start of the game. We step in the shoes of Max Caulfield, a shy, anxious, 18-year-old girl who wants to be more assertive and outgoing and we meet Chloe, as a broken, rebellious young adult who seems to make bad decisions. They couldn’t be more opposites and yet they are so… well…

Max and Chloe are friends, best friends even. That is established even before you actually see her in the bathroom or talk to her in her car if you open Max’s diary and read her early entries where she talks about Chloe. So, even though their friendship is bit strained at the beginning, they are, so obviously, friends.

That is, until we spend more time with her and Chloe hugs us, flirts with us, charms us, make us save her life a few times, makes us do questionable things, spends some time with us in a pool, dares us to kiss her and suddenly things start to change. And as the story gets deeper and we start to understand Chloe’s past and Max’s power a little bit better, Max also comes to realizations of her own, independently of player choice. In numerous diaries entries, Max writes how Chloe is important to her:

“Our lives have always been entwined.”

“It sounds so stupid to say that she's my hero, but if not her, who else? Sometimes Chloe and I feel like yin and yang. Who knows? Maybe we're here to give each other strength... or more.” [If you kissed her]

“I like to think Chloe and I are here to always support each other.” [If you don’t kiss her]

“Maybe that's why I hated watching Chloe being so cruel in the nightmare, calling me names and flirting with all those people... I was surprised that it was like a physical pain in my heart. Is that the power of friendship... or love?” [If you kissed her]

“[…] Is that the power of love... or friendship?” [If you don’t kiss her]

Max never outright says she’s falling or has fallen for Chloe but she doesn’t have to, if you’re being attentive enough. Either way, Max recognizes what she feels for Chloe is a deeply strong bond and that she would do anything for her, she would go through hell (and sort of did) to ensure she’s safe. And that is the premise of the game. Saving Chloe. Keeping Chloe safe. Going back in time so her dad isn’t dead anymore. Going back again because Chloe’s life is actually worse when you changed it. Chloe. Chloe. Chloe. Do you see where I’m getting at?

Life is Strange is not just a game about a girl who can rewind time but about a girl who choose deliberately to rewind time so the person she loves (as a friend or more) is safe and sound, putting her above everything else. As Max puts in her own diary, their “lives have always been entwined” and that’s just how it is. Chloe’s an integral part to Max’s story and vice-versa. That is why there isn’t a reason to have a sequel without Chloe.

Sure, if you sacrifice her at the end of the game it is kind of a full circle moment. After all the times Chloe has been “selfish” and a bit of a jerk – at least through the eyes of those who don’t like her or enjoy her presence in the game – she can get her redemption while the “good” characters get to live. But that doesn’t mean it’s the “right ending”; without getting too much into the philosophical side of both choices, I’m just trying to make a simple statement: it isn’t wrong to let Chloe live.

May I remind you, when you go back in time after deciding to sacrifice Chloe it means 5 years have passed without Max contacting Chloe; it means the last time they ever saw each other was at William’s funeral right before Max leaves her life forever. It means the voice of 13-year-old Max is eternalized in Chloe’s mind because the last time she ever heard her voice was through the tape Max left for her. It means that after her dad died, her best friend moved, her other friend went missing and all the other bullshit in her life, Chloe dies in a bathroom after feeling abandoned by the people in her life for so long. It means Chloe dies without knowing what ever happened to Rachel. It means what they’ve been through together during the entire week is completely erased; it never happens for Chloe and Max is only left with the memories. Max still went through time and had to see Chloe in a wheelchair, she still was kidnapped and drugged by Jefferson, she still saw Chloe get shot by him too. And the only person who could’ve understood all the trauma Max went through and help her is dead. She still has to remember everything that happened in another timeline and find a way to cope. And even if she didn’t ask for her powers in the first place, she would feel guilty about them too because how couldn’t she? That’s just how Max is, all she did was try to help people.

So, by the time she really has to deal with her decision, I believe she is at least a little bit broken by all of it. And that’s heartbreaking. It’s melodramatic, beautiful, poetic even. DON’T NOD put so much care in this ending, I wouldn’t change a thing about it. The entire story was about how Max was given a power that could change things but ultimately had to let the love of her life go, because the message is you can’t save everyone. It’s a perfect way to put an ending to a story. Max lived, loved and learned her lesson at the end. What even would be next? Max’s story is finalized because the trigger to her powers is not there anymore; she’s left traumatized by incidents that never actually happened; the other half of what made the essence of LiS1 be LiS1 is gone; so how to keep the story going? Or why? It doesn’t have to. There’s nowhere to go unless you recreate and recycle all the things that made Max Max in the first place and is that what we truly want, just recycled plots and characters?

Well, by now we all know Double Exposure is coming so even though, conceptually, I don’t think a sequel should exist, I wouldn’t want to spend time picking apart a game that 1. We know so very little about 2. A lot of people have been working on for years now. I’ll leave any criticism to after I’ve played the game. But with everything I said in mind, there is one thing that I find very important in new game where the Bay path is unavoidable: Chloe needs to be an important figure in the game, even if she’s not there in a physical way. She has to haunt the narrative: she needs to be in pictures, in Max’s thoughts, in Max’s dreams, she needs to be mentioned in conversations and etcetera, because of how much of an important figure she was in the previous game. Most importantly, she gets to be a reminder for Max about her own choices, what she had to give up to get where she is, what she needs to do right this time and how she deals with these things. What kind of person is Max now, 10 years later, knowing that using her powers can and possibly will cause some sort of devastation? What has losing Chloe taught her?

Now, the juicy part is that, that is not true for the Bae ending at all. This ending means Max accepts her powers; whatever it is that gave them to her in the first place, be it fate or destiny or some sort higher power, she accepts she won’t be a pawn and makes her own decision (even if it does bring devastation to the town). It’s also a beautiful ending, even if you don’t like thinking about all the other people that die in the storm; it is the ultimate proof of Max’s love for Chloe and how they won’t abandon each other ever again. And while it is tragic, this choice is the most interesting one for a potential sequel because it actually opens up so many possibilities of what could happen to Max and Chloe as characters. Even if you don’t necessarily make them a couple outright, you can explore so much of their friendship, shared trauma and love (because I believe they’ll always end up being a couple anyway). You can have Pricefield going on silly adventures, but that’s not the nature of a LiS game so good news is; you can make it dramatic and mysterious as well. Make them partners at solving crimes. Make them try to understand Max’s power and the source of it, make it non sci-fi and more fantasy-like, or vice-versa. Open up a multiverse like the comics did. Make them go to Alaska or make them go to couples counseling, but the essence is: there’s no story if they’re not together because Max’s story is Chloe’s story. Because they promise to be there for each other forever and I believe them.

[bicayaya]

as of now, i’m on a semi-hiatus.

under the cut i’ll talk a little about this decision. it’ll probably be a long post and it’s basically a vent, so pls don’t feel pressured to read it.

maybe all i say here will sound confusing, specially because lately expressing myself in english is being very hard. but i’ll try to make some sense.

well, there’s two main reasons why i’m deciding to do this. first of all, ever since i went on a semi-hiatus during may/june, i feel that i’m unable to be 100% back on this account, like i lost my place here. i always felt anxious and nervous about interacting, but somehow it became even worse after being some time away from tumblr. this is no one’s fault (probably just my own), but i can’t help but feel disconnected from the rest of the fandom. which makes me sad, because there’s a lot of people here who i really like and who i miss interacting with more. but in the past few weeks, every time i thought of interacting, something kept blocking me, i felt like i had nothing to add to the conversation and that no one would even care about anything i could possibly say (again, i’m aware that this is mostly my anxiety talking and no one’s to blame for me feeling like this other than myself). this feeling of rejection made me even avoid opening the app some days, because seeing others interacting made me feel even worse about my current lack of social skills.

the second reason is the fact that creating is not bringing me any joy right now. again, a fact that makes me really sad, because i love drawing, i love my ocs and i still have a lot of ideas i would like to share. but the process of creating them isn’t being as fun as it was a few months ago. i had a conversation about this with my psychologist recently, and she made me realize that instead of using my free time doing something i was in the mood to or resting, i was forcing myself to do the things i thought i had to do. i still love art, and i don’t plan on giving up on it, but maybe i should try focusing and trying different hobbies for now. because lately all i felt while trying to create was frustration, and i don’t want to ruin something i love by associating it with bad feelings. and honestly, if i can’t create, i feel like there’s nothing for me to even post here.

these two reasons are also connected to the fact that i’m not on a good mental state right now. i won’t elaborate much, because these are personal matters that i don’t feel comfortable sharing here, but i’ve been feeling down and anxious most of the time. this makes me feel like an awful person, which makes me avoid talking with others because i fear being bad with them (and consequently makes me avoid any kind of interaction, like i said before), and not keeping touch makes me feel even worse and i just keep constantly finding myself in this cicle. my routine is not the healthiest right now either, which i think might be making everything worse.

i’m not happy making this decision, but i think it’s necessary because i’m not happy with how things are right now either. there’s still a lot i would like to share, specially involving my ocs, but i just can’t do anything right now.

even with all of this, i don’t want to lose contact with the friends i’ve made here. you’re all very precious to me and always showed me a lot of kindness and support. if anyone wants to reach out to me for any reason, i’ll still have my tumblr notifications turned on, so you can dm me or send me messages on discord (same username as here). the only posts i’ll be checking out are the ones i’m tagged, so if you want me to see something that you think i might like, feel free to tag me! i’m sure i’ll be happy to see it.

you can also still send asks for me or for my ocs (in this or in their blog). i don’t know if i’ll be able to answer them quickly, as i still have a few old unanswered asks, but i’ll try, specially if it’s something important.

and, something important: i still plan on doing the requests i received on my birthday event. i think it’s unfair to everyone who joined to ignore it and i want to keep my word. but i can’t promise when i’ll post them, because i’ll probably take longer than usual to finish any drawing.

i guess that’s all. please take care everyone, if you need me for anything (or just want to reach out) you know where to find me! hopefully this decision won’t last long.

my intro/masterpost

[lycandrophile]

I cannot thank you enough for your posts about top surgery. I'm hoping to get mine in a couple years. Your updates are really comforting to me, even (maybe especially) the bad stuff because it makes me feel more prepared. I hope your recovery keeps going well!

On another note, how did you decide whether to keep your nipples or not? I like how chests look with and without them, so it's hard to choose

for me there were a few factors that led me to go nipless:

the biggest thing was that when i imagined my body post-op, i naturally always saw it without nipples. that was just what felt right when i thought about how it would look — i didn’t even have to think about it, that’s just what came to mind. i figured, if i’m automatically picturing myself like that, that’s probably a good indication of what i would be happiest with.

i’ve also always had sensory issues related to my nipples. i basically wore a sports bra constantly, including when i slept, because i hated the feeling of loose fabric touching them and moving against them. so if i had kept my nipples, i would’ve ended up with either no sensation or more discomfort, not anything positive.

i really didn’t want to deal with the healing process for nipple grafts. my skin is super sensitive and finicky, so if anyone would be almost guaranteed to have problems with graft healing, god only knows it would be me. i also know i’m more prone to infection than most people, so avoiding the part of the surgery that has the highest chance of infection seemed like a good plan. on top of all that, i’m also a huge baby about having to touch any sort of injury on my body (just putting moisturizer on my mostly healed incisions was something i had to work up to), so i knew doing the graft care would be difficult for me too.

i know that i can be super picky about the way things look, especially when it comes to things like spacing and symmetry. so if i had gotten nipple grafts, i think it’s super likely that i would’ve ended up feeling like they were put in the wrong place or being bothered by any asymmetry in how they healed. obviously i wanted to pick the kind of surgery that was the most likely to give me results i would be fully satisfied with, so getting grafts despite knowing i’d probably end up nitpicking them for years to come just seemed silly.

i honestly really love the idea of having a chest that’s visibly different from a typical cis man’s chest. the goal of my transition has never been to look cis and i take a lot of pride in being recognizably trans, so having a kind of surgery that isn’t just trying to imitate what i would look like if i were cis was really appealing to me.

going without grafts is just cheaper, so given all of the other reasons i didn’t want grafts, there was just no reason for me to spend extra money on them. i want a few extra hundred dollars in my bank account way more than i want nipples.

and in hindsight, i genuinely couldn’t be happier with my decision. when i look at my chest, even now while it’s still not fully healed, it looks just like how i always imagined i would look with a flat chest and feels like the most natural thing in the world.

if you’re having trouble deciding which you like better, i would try just closing your eyes and imagining both on your body. this was one thing i did if i saw someone with grafts whose results i really liked and felt uncertain in my decision, because what i always ended up realizing was that no matter how good they looked on other people, it felt super weird imagining them on myself. in fact, most of the time i struggled to really even picture it at all.

you could also try gathering a bunch of pictures of both types of results and seeing how you feel about all of them. maybe when you look at the results with grafts, there’s only a few that you feel like you would be dissatisfied with, but when you look at results without grafts, there are a lot more that you probably wouldn’t want. or maybe it’s the other way around. like i said, you’re going to want to go with the kind of surgery you’re mostly likely to be happy with, so if you seem to be more critical of one kind of surgery’s results than the other, that can help guide your choice.

and if you really don’t feel any differently about them, consider the other factors: how do you feel about the healing process? is sensation in your nipples something you find pleasure in and would consider trying to preserve? what does the difference in cost look like for you and how important is that to you? how important is it to be able to pass as cis if necessary? and so on. your decision might end up being made based on something other than pure aesthetics and that’s totally okay.

[charlotterenaissance]

im so sorry if this is rude, (or alr asked&answered), but may i ask why you are so team charlotte? dont get me wrong, i felt for her for most of the season, but i cant get over how she treated lewis and the girls after she became a mermaid. how can you support her after that? /gen

Not rude at all, anon! This was a really kind ask, I appreciate it 🥰

This is kind of a complicated answer, and this ended up being an essay, so for the sake of everyone’s dashes, I’ll put this under a cut.

I’d like to preface this with that these are just my opinions and how I view the show and how it comes across to me. I never hold it against anyone if they don’t like Charlotte for any reason. This is just my perception of the show and the characters.

Back in 2012, I did a rewatch of the show because I hadn’t seen it since I was a kid. I don’t remember how I felt about much of the show or even Charlotte in particular, I was more focused on how pretty the scenery was and the mermaidness of it all. But I hadn’t seen it in a while, I was about to graduate high school, and I was feeling nostalgic, so I decided to give it a another watch. I’d say it was around there that I started to notice some things that… didn’t quite sit right with me.

Now, I’m not ashamed to admit that a lot of my sympathy for Charlotte comes from the fact that I’ve been in her situation a lot: the one where you like someone and they don’t quite like you back the same way, but you’re too head over heels to care, and you’re willing to hurt yourself for the illusion. That’s where it started, but then I started looking at the season as a whole, with more of a storytelling eye.

I would like to preface this next part with a slight correction: I’m a Charlotte supporter, but I try not to make excuses for the more unforgivable things she does. She shouldn’t have bullied Cleo to the point she ran away, she shouldn’t have locked Emma and Cleo in the closet during the party, or stolen Lewis’s phone, to name a few things. Those are bad things she did, I’m not denying that or trying to handwave it away. However, I don’t consider her a villain or an abusive monster that most tend to. I approach the character of Charlotte Watsford by seeing the situation from her point of view, and realizing that what she does? It’s not dissimilar to what the other characters do, the only difference is that we give them the benefit of the doubt, or see things from their point of view, or realize that they’re teenagers, of course they’re not going to be making the best decisions.

And Charlotte Watsford does not get the same courtesy. No one seems to remember that this was a normal sixteen-year-old girl who didn’t have a clue about magic or mermaids, who fell a little too hard for a boy she didn’t pursue until she had the permission of his ex, who wanted to be the girls’ friend when she found out about the secret and was met with scorn and derision until she finally decided not to take it anymore. Did she make the wrong decisions? Yes. Did she do bad things? Yes. But her character goes deeper than that.

Anyone’s who’s followed me for a while knows that I will rant and rave about the Narrative of the show and that it seems to actively hate Charlotte while supporting the main characters. Why shouldn’t it? After all, Charlotte’s the designated antagonist of the season, of course we’re not going to like her. But what is it about her that incurs more rage than Dr. Denman, who just last season held four teenagers hostage for the sole reason of using one as leverage to make the other three let her experiment on them, or Sophie, who committed eco-terrorism and blew up a volcano after spending a season of scamming and lying to people? I really, really want to go with the answer that Charlotte is more rounded than any of the other “villains,” that Brittany Byrnes’ performance is just that memorable, that maybe it’s her connection to the other characters that makes her stick out more than anyone else. But while I think those are absolutely valid answers, I think there’s a little more to it. There’s something so malicious about the way the narrative treats her that’s hard to put a finger on, and it’s why I think she’s deserving of support and is more than the one-dimensional, man-stealing character that she gets stripped to, the kind of character that leads the actress to get hate mail to this day.

Charlotte does many bad things, I’m not denying it. She gets petty, she gets vindictive, she bullies the other girls from time to time. She lies and steals things. But one of the reasons I support her? It’s because so do the other characters, they just have the support of the narrative.

For example, in the first season, Zane stalks an old woman because he wants to know about some treasure that she says has and causes her to have a heart attack when he chases after her, and then, when Emma and Lewis show up and try to get her to help, he elects to stay behind and rob her houseboat while it sinks. He’s a bully to the girls whose prank on Cleo is the catalyst for the show. We explore his bad home life and his relationship with his abusive dad, and he gets to have a redemption arc and becomes a love interest for Rikki. Nate, his best friend, is constantly being gross and boundary-crossing to any girl on screen, physically attacks Lewis on more than one occasion, and is just a general creep, and no one barely says anything about it. Miriam is a semi-generic mean girl who barely does anything but get in the way occasionally. And these are just the side characters!

(I’m also tempted to explore how the male characters are sympathetic and get redemption arcs or rewards and the female characters are irredeemable, but that’s another topic for another time.)

Emma, Cleo, and Rikki aren’t much better than Charlotte when you really think about it. Cleo steals Charlotte’s diary and reads it, then confronts her in front of everyone. She barely apologizes and it’s more because she was wrong about what she was reading. There’s the infamous episode six where they all attack Annette and Charlotte, two women whose only crimes are, as far as they believe at the time, having romantic interests in people in their lives. They apologize to Annette, but only because they were wrong about her being on a date with Don. There’s the time that Emma and Rikki, in full mermaid form in public, play pranks on Lewis at the detriment of other people because, and let me check my notes here, Cleo was fired because of something she did and he was hired to fill that job. He is almost arrested because them doing all this caused a dolphin to escape and they barely apologize, in fact Rikki laughs off the idea of buying a replacement laptop (the reason he got the job).

Then there’s everything they did to Charlotte herself. Again, attacking her during their dinner because she dared to have a romantic interest in a boy she dumped and verbally said they were just friends when Charlotte asked if this was going to be a problem. They make snide comments to her all the time. I’m fairly certain Rikki tried hitting her with lightning during the camping episode, and while I’m on the subject of that episode, Lewis spits a drink all over her, and then laughs with the others about it! And they claim that the reason they do this is because they think Charlotte might be a mermaid now, but come on, if they really believed that, why would they risk an exposure like that? The answer is that they didn’t really think that, they just wanted an excuse to humiliate her.

Then! The second she is on an even keel with them, power-wise, that all stops, because now it’s a few episodes to the finale and we need a climactic ending, so now Charlotte becomes the most evil character you can imagine. It doesn’t matter that we’ve seen some twenty-odd episodes of three girls with superpowers use them against a normal girl whose sole weapon in her arsenal is being kinda mean to girls she does not care about unless her boyfriend is ignoring and ditching them for her. It’s okay when the main characters do it to the girl who is designated as the villain, but the villain can’t do it to them. Emma and Rikki can be in full mermaid form in public using their powers against someone for an imagined slight, but Charlotte can’t do the same thing to a person who just attacked their friend. Cleo can use her powers against people for no real reason except she’s mad at them, but Charlotte can’t make a mistake and use her powers to fend off an animal she’s afraid of.

There’s a subtle thing the show does that makes it easy to side with the main characters: no one holds them accountable, whereas with Charlotte, that’s all anyone does. Lewis half-heartedly says maybe they shouldn’t do things because it’s dangerous or wrong, but he’s just told to leave it alone or to shut up. Then when Charlotte becomes a mermaid, she tries her hardest to be nice and do everything to be their friend, but they just talk down to her and jump down her throat at every opportunity. Finally, in the last couple episodes, she just says enough and starts acting toward them like they’ve been acting to her. Which is bad. Because she’s… the bad guy.

And yet, I don’t hate Cleo, Emma, and Rikki for what they do, even as a Charlotte supporter. Cleo especially is going through a rough time that makes even the incredibly out of character things she does make sense. But why doesn’t Charlotte get the same curtesy? I don’t even mean in the fandom, but in the show itself. Why does everyone treat her like she’s out to get them, specifically? Charlotte doesn’t even care about them, or Mako, really, just in the sense of how it relates to Lewis and the grandmother she lost when she was a kid. It’s kinda funny, because even though Dr. Denman is never mentioned once after season one, you could write off their paranoia as part of being held hostage and almost used as a science experiment, which would be really interesting, if a little heavy for a kid’s show, if they explored that.

But it’s not, and, somehow, it’s Charlotte’s fault. It doesn’t matter if the show goes out its way to show how being ignored and ditched and lied to is obviously hurting her, because it’s not doing it out of being fair to her. It feels like a punishment, more than anything. Lewis can lie about spending time with his ex and straight up tell Charlotte to her face that he doesn’t have to tell her things if he doesn’t want to. The girls can attack her, and humiliate her, and laugh at her for having a silly fear. That’s fine, we can explain why they act like that. But we can also see things from Charlotte’s point of view too, even if the narrative doesn’t want us to.

I always say that if you don’t like Charlotte, that’s fine. I hope, and I am happy to see more often, people’s opinions of her change though, I’m not gonna lie, especially when I see her described as a needy, man-stealing abuser. That has never sat right with me, and I’m happy to go into that if anyone wants me to.

At the end of day, I find Charlotte a very tragic and fascinating character, one that I’ve dedicated a blog, multiple fanfics, and an essay I spent a week working on to exploring. I think there’s more to her than what I’m supposed to see her as, and more than one side to the whole situation, as I hope I’ve demonstrated above.

Thank you again for the kind ask, I really enjoyed responding 💚

[sl-newsie]

American Woman (Thomas Shelby x American OC) Ch. 12: Congratulations and Conflicts

“Morning, Verena,” Ada announces as she joins me in the kitchen. “Sleep well?”

The memory of talking with Thomas last night replays in my mind yet again. Ever since I woke up I can’t stop thinking about it for some odd reason.

“As good as I can, I suppose. How are you feeling?” I gesture to her stomach.

Ada bites her lip as she spreads mustard on a bagel. “Um, alright I guess. I just- I never expected to be pregnant. I kept hoping it would pass but when the doctor confirmed it my whole life changed. One moment I’m my own self without any burdens and the next I’m carrying Freddie’s child.”

Freddie. That must be her lover. With a little luck he’ll keep his love for Ada and stand by her through this journey.

“I don’t have any experience of what you’re going through Ada, but it’s completely natural to fear the unknown.”

Ada squeezes her eyes shut and plays with the hand towel. “It’s not just that. It’s what people are going to say that I’m afraid of. That’s why I’m hiding it.”

Something about the way she says that makes my stomach churn. She couldn’t- Could she? Polly might have mentioned it to her…

“God have mercy.” I look up at her with petrified eyes. “You’re going to kill it, aren’t you?”

Ada’s face hardens. “It’s not your decision.”

“I know. But I’m still a Christian. It doesn’t mean my morals are turned off just so I can agree with you.” I take a deep breath. Not everyone sees what they’ve been blessed with right away. Ada’s right. In this harsh society rumors of her pregnancy will spread like wildfire. 

“I won’t fight you, Ada.” She continues to avoid my gaze. “I still disagree, but letting that tear apart an acquaintanceship with you isn’t worth it.”

The Shelby woman turns and squeezes my shoulder. “That’s all I’ll ever ask for.” Before I know it she pulls me into a hug. “It’s not easy being one of the only two women around here. Thanks for getting lost, Verena.”

I playfully scoff at her dark joke. “I never meant to get stuck here, Ada. I’m in your debt, remember?”

“Oh please!” Ada huffs and goes on to eat the disgusting bagel. “You’ve practically got everyone wrapped around your little finger.”

She wanders off to her room before I can ask further. She’s joking, right? There’s no way I’ve done that much here-

“What’s in the books for today?”

Except that.

“Morning, Finn. Don’t you want a day off? We’ve been doing lectures for the past week!”

The young Shelby slouches and grabs an apple. “What else can I do? If Aunt Polly sees me lounging about she’ll make me do chores.”

Realization hits me in the head and I smirk. “Ah, I see. You use me to cheat out of chores. Well Finn, sometimes the simplest tasks can teach us hidden lessons.” What else can… Ah-ha! “Finn, I do have something for you to do.” He immediately looks up. “I need you to complete what’s on this list in the next hour.”

I hand Finn a scrap piece of paper and he scrunches his face as he reads it. “These are chores.”

“Exactly. When you’re done we can discuss what you learn.”

“I don’t get it-”

“Chop chop!” 

I clap my hands and shoo him off. When he’s out I slump against the wall and sigh. Maybe now I can have some quiet time- Nope. The always-revolving door opens yet again and I hear heavy footsteps slump into the kitchen. I don’t even need to look up to know it’s Thomas. He sits down at the table and makes quick work to pour himself a glass of Irish whiskey.

“You’re in a bad mood,” I observe.

Thomas sees me slouched on the floor and grunts. “Monaghan Boy lost.”

“And you think drowning yourself in alcohol will fix that? What about the new horse?”

“Had to kill him. He was cursed.”

My jaw drops. “You- You killed…? God, all you Shelbys ever do is kill! You surround yourself with death and then wonder why you’re so unhappy!”

Bam!

Thomas bangs a fist on the table. “I don’t need this bloody argument, Steenstra!” 

He stands up and heads back to the door, slamming it shut. I think that’s the first time Thomas has ever yelled at me. And it’s kind of scary. I make a mental note never to get on his bad side and get up to walk down the hall to Ada’s room. I knock twice but there’s no answer. Either she’s ignoring me, she’s sleeping, or she snuck out the window. More than likely it’s the last scenario. 

“Done!” Finn sprints into the room waving the list like he just won a war. “All done!”

His bright smile almost makes me forget Thomas’ outburst. “Good job, Finn.”

“What’s wrong?”

Smile, Verena. You can’t just blurt out that his brother yelled at you. He does that to everyone. Why should you be any different?

“Too much thinking, Finn.” I shake the dark thoughts away. “Did you learn anything?”

Finn lets out an exasperated groan. “What can I learn from sweeping? Or beating the rug?”

“You took thirty minutes, half the time I gave you. And now that you have some extra time we can do a quick lesson.”

A few seconds go by and then Finn slowly gets a cheeky smirk on his face. “I see what you did there.”

“See? The lesson was time management!” I laugh and pull out my bookbag. “Now what’s today’s topic going to be?”

The rest of the day goes on much more smoothly. Yes I’m still dreading my next run-in with Thomas but I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it. Right now I’m prepping an afternoon snack-

“I’m back,” Polly calls as she comes through the front door.

“Do you know where Ada is? She’s not in her room.”

Polly sets her bag down and grabs an apple. “She’s gone. Off to marry Freddie.”

So she’s keeping the baby! I’m so glad to hear it! Call it womanly instinct, but the death of a child can be much more traumatic and emotional compared to an adult because a child hasn’t gotten to live out their life yet. I haven’t gone through parenthood yet but I deeply sympathize with parents who have lost a child. Having a child is the greatest blessing in life and to have that taken away is devastating.

As for Ada running off, I can’t say I’m surprised. That sounds like something she’d do. 

“If you can, please pass on my congratulations to them,” I say with a wide smile. “Does Thomas know?”

“No.” Polly holds up a hand. “I’ll tell him so you won’t get the full blast of his tantrum.”

I bite my lip and avoid her gaze by busying myself with wiping down the counter. “Bit late for that, I’m afraid. He lashed out this morning and left, no doubt to go get drunk somewhere.”

Just then the door opens again and John walks in with a fit of tipsy laughter.

“Afternoon, ladies! How goes it?”

“Cut the chatter, John. Where’s Tommy?” Polly asks.

“Ath the Garrison. You should've seen the look on Tom’s face! A love-struck sucker if I ever saw one.”

Polly scoffs. “For who?”

“That barmaid, Grace. It’d be nice if at least one Shelby could keep a steady family,” John says as he takes a drink from the whiskey bottle on the table.

Polly huffs and walks down the hall to her room, leaving me flabbergasted to John’s words.

“None of you are married?” My jaw drops.

John takes another drink. “Arthur always puts business first. Tommy’s never even heard of love. Finn’s too young. And I’m a widower.”

Interesting. For all the glamor and excitement the Shelbys flaunt they’ve never settled for a simple family life.

“I’m so sorry. What was her name?”

“Martha,” John sighs. “She gave me 4 beautiful kids.”

I grab the cookie jar and plop down next to him. John immediately reaches for a biscuit.

“I can tell you really love your kids, John.”

“I do. Just wish I could find them a suitable mother,” John slurs. “If it’s any comfort, if you didn’t already love Tommy I’d take you.”

Obviously his drunk words hold little meaning. John’s looking for anyone and I just happen to be the woman sitting next to him. Yet somehow his words leave me questioning just how deep my feelings for Thomas go.

“I don’t love him. At least, not in the way people might expect me to. He’s a good friend. I love all you Shelbys. But thank you, John. I know that means a lot.”

“No problem love…” John murmurs as he drifts off with his head on the table.

Once again another Shelby brother has left me deep in thought about what my purpose here is. The Lord works in mysterious ways, as Polly would say. Whatever’s in store for me, I know it’s going to be a wild ride if it’s anything like the past few weeks.

[floralcyanide]

𝐋𝐢𝐤𝐞 𝐀 𝐕𝐢𝐥𝐥𝐚𝐢𝐧 • 𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧 𝐁𝐫𝐢𝐝𝐠𝐞𝐫

Part Three

Roman Bridger x AFAB!Reader

The day Roman first laid eyes on you, he knew he had to have you. There was something about you that he couldn’t quite put his finger on, and usually, he was good at reading people off the bat. But you were a different story. Naturally, you only opened up when necessary, not letting people in if you didn’t have a reason to. So you were guarded, and Roman didn’t like that. He wanted to worm his way into your life, no matter what it took.

If that took delving into his twisted past again in order to get to you, so be it.

AFAB - (assigned female at birth) someone who is born female but can identify with she/her or other pronouns. reader pronouns are gender neutral, so people who use any pronouns can read, but female anatomy will be used and described in this fanfiction eventually.

warnings: brief descriptions of murder, nsfw, beginning signs of obsession and yandere behavior, perhaps an innuendo at the end who knowsss...

word count: 976

author's note: I am so sorry for the wait!! I got sick this past week with something?? and had to go to the hospital and all that jazz. fun times. I also wrote this instead of working on my finals because I make good decisions, obviously. I'm sorry it's short, but the next chapter will likely be long because things might happen... hmmm.... also enjoy a look inside Roman's head in this chapter. I might do more of that if you all like it!

series masterlist | masterlist | add yourself to the taglist here

this fic has been cross posted to ao3.

ᴅᴏ ɴᴏᴛ ᴄᴏᴘʏ, ʀᴇᴘʀᴏᴅᴜᴄᴇ, ᴏʀ ᴄʟᴀɪᴍ ᴍʏ ᴡᴏʀᴋ ᴀs ʏᴏᴜʀs ᴏɴ ᴛᴜᴍʙʟʀ, ᴀᴏ3, ᴡᴀᴛᴛᴘᴀᴅ, ᴏʀ ᴀɴʏ ᴡᴇʙsɪᴛᴇ. ʏᴏᴜ ᴅᴏ ɴᴏᴛ ʜᴀᴠᴇ ᴘᴇʀᴍɪssɪᴏɴ ᴛᴏ ᴜsᴇ ᴍʏ ᴡᴏʀᴋs ɪɴ ᴀɪ ɢᴇɴᴇʀᴀᴛᴏʀs ᴏʀ ᴀɴʏᴛʜɪɴɢ ᴛᴏ ᴅᴏ ᴡɪᴛʜ ᴀʀᴛɪғɪᴄɪᴀʟ ɪɴᴛᴇʟʟɪɢᴇɴᴄᴇ. ʏᴏᴜ ᴍᴀʏ ɴᴏᴛ ᴜsᴇ ᴍʏ ᴡᴏʀᴋs ᴛᴏ sᴇʟʟ ғᴏʀ ᴀs ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴏᴡɴ ᴄʀᴇᴀᴛɪᴏɴ.

Pretending to be an adoring fan of Cotton and getting him to relax was all too easy. Getting him to panic, though? Even easier and twice as fun. Cotton and Roman’s brief yet daunting conversation over the phone gave Roman that familiar feeling in the pit of his stomach. Slaughtering Cotton and his little blonde girlfriend was bringing back that urge- that desire to kill that had been for so long shoved away. It had taken residence in the back of Roman’s mind for years now, only to bare its teeth again at the thought of anyone harming you. 

You, Roman thought as he plunged his knife into Cotton, you are so special. I hardly know anything about you, but I know you’re everything I’ve ever wanted. I did this for you, Y/N. You thought I wouldn’t hear that he spilled coffee on you? Burned you? Then got a little too close to you? Cotton is not a good guy, Y/N. He’s not a nice guy like me. I can take care of you and love you.

Roman somewhat cringes inwardly at how obsessive he is becoming over you. But he can’t help it. He’s got mommy issues, after all. He serves Cotton one final blow that sucks the light out of his eyes quickly. Roman sits on his knees momentarily, wiping the blade clean of blood before standing back up and hurriedly leaving the apartment. 

It’s dead silent in Roman’s condo as he lays in bed later that night, staring at the ceiling blankly. His hands are resting on his chest as he focuses on his breathing, trying his best to fall asleep. But it’s been two hours with no avail. Roman’s mind begins to wander to you like always. It’s only been a month of knowing you exist, but it’s been an excellent month for Roman. Other than him realizing that killing off Cotton could mean bad things for the movie. But at this point, he only cares about his own film because you’re in it, even as an extra. However, he’s asked John Milton about a dozen times already if you could have a role, and he’s said no every time. Roman won’t give up on you, even if he has to kill someone else. Maybe he’ll go for Jennifer or Angelina since they have good roles. You deserve those roles more than they do, in Roman’s opinion. 

Eventually, Roman falls asleep, and the following day rolls around all too soon. He clambers out of bed once he realizes he’s got about 20 minutes to become presentable and get to the studio. Roman runs a wet comb through his hair before hurriedly brushing his teeth, searching his closet for a button-up in your favorite color. He figured that out quite easily, as you often wear the color. After spitting out the toothpaste and pulling the shirt on, Roman examines himself quickly before bolting out of his condo. Traffic is, of course, hellish on the way to the studio, but Roman makes it a reasonable time. He’s about 10 minutes earlier than usual, surprisingly. 

When Roman reaches his office, he starts reviewing the current script and seeing how he could sneakily revise it to fit your style and acting methods. He’s picked up on some things about you so far, such as how intensely you can become someone else, even if they’re a background character. You express emotion in such a beautiful way, too. God, Roman could eat you alive. You were perfect in his eyes. And when you walk into his office during his revision session, he swears he’s still in bed dreaming.

“Hey, uh, Roman?” you scratch the back of your neck nervously, standing in the doorway.

“Yes, Y/N?” Roman asks with a smile.

“I was wondering if there were any updates to the script for the extras. I know you’ve been rewriting things quite a lot, so,” you pause, trying not to sound too bitchy about it, “Not that it’s a bad thing, I just want to be prepared.”

Roman chuckles with a casual nod, trying to seem collected, “Everything is still the same. But I’m still trying to put bugs in some ears about you. You have a real talent, even if you don’t see it.”

You brush some hair from your eyes, “Roman, I appreciate you trying, but I’m fine with just being an extra. It’s what I’ve been doing for years, and I don’t see that changing.”

Roman shakes his head, “You won’t know until you try.”

You stare into his eyes for a moment, and his gaze lingers. 

“You know what,” Roman says, not breaking eye contact, “How about we meet for coffee later, and you can look over the main script and see what you think? I’m revising it and need some feedback. Is that okay with you?”

You bite your lip, surprised Roman would ask to see you outside work. Your stomach erupts into nervous butterflies at the thought.

“Sure, I’d love to,” you nod, “See you at the parking lot after we wrap?”

“Of course,” Roman smiles, “See you then.”

You turn to leave Roman’s office, and he unashamedly watches your ass as you exit. God, he thinks, if I could only have you for one night to show you that you don’t need anyone but me. You’d be wrapped around my finger. Begging for me every chance you had. Roman has to shake his head in order to get the image of your ass bent over for him out of his imagination. He needed to focus on work again so he could have something to show you later. 

Roman wanted to show you more than the script, though. But he needed to figure out how to get under your skin. He thinks he knows just how to do it, too. 

taglist:

@bridgergf @crinimalmindsfan13 @oddlittleminx @axen-gers @alwayslilithnevreve @belovedtylerrr @bonbekahsfav @elliotss @jokersgrf @snazzynacho