#I’ve been rationalizing and staying positive and focusing on the things I like

[habken]

Opinion on the epilogue leaks???

:(

[m4rv3l-girl]

Bucky x reader

In a relationship, bucky doesn't want reader going on mission because it's a hydra Misson, they argue and don't talk to each other, bucky hears reader get hurt and he hears her say "im sorry buck, i love you" and then her comms go out and he can't do anything to help because he's pinned down and by the time he gets to her she's bleeding out and passed out and bucky is breaking down apologising and saying he didn't mean anything of what he said etc and I dunno how you would wanna end it.

Of all base passions, fear is most accursed

Bucky x Y/N

Warnings: Violence. Injury. Angst.

The tension in the living room was palpable.

Bucky paced back and forth, his jaw clenched, his hands running through his hair in frustration. Y/N stood a few feet away, arms crossed, her own frustration mirrored in her tense posture. The disagreement between them had escalated rapidly, spiraling into an argument that neither of them had intended.

“It’s just a mission, Bucky!” Y/N exclaimed, her voice firm. “I’ve done missions like this a hundred times before.”

“Not like this,” he countered, his voice sharp but tinged with worry. “It’s Hydra, Y/N. You don’t understand what they’re capable of.”

Her eyes narrowed. “Don’t patronize me. I know exactly what they’re capable of. That’s why I need to go.”

“No,” he snapped, stepping closer. “You don’t need to go. Let someone else handle it.”

“And let them walk into something I’m prepared for?” she shot back. “You’re not being rational. This isn’t about me—it’s about the mission.”

“It’s always about the mission with you,” he retorted, his tone cutting deeper than he intended. “When are you going to stop risking everything like it’s just a game?”

Y/N flinched at his words, the sting of them landing hard. Her voice dropped, quieter now but no less resolute. “You think I’m reckless? That I don’t care about what I’m risking?”

“That’s not what I said,” Bucky muttered, pinching the bridge of his nose, but the damage was already done.

“I can’t do this with you right now,” she said, grabbing her jacket and storming toward the door.

“Y/N,” he called after her, but she didn’t turn around.

The ride to the Quinjet was a blur. Y/N focused on the mission briefing, tuning out the knot in her chest that Bucky’s words had tied. She couldn’t afford distractions. Hydra facilities weren’t forgiving of mistakes.

The team deployed under the cover of night, slipping into the compound with precision. Y/N’s heart pounded as she moved through the dimly lit corridors, her comm buzzing with updates from the team. Her training kicked in, her body operating on muscle memory even as her thoughts kept circling back to Bucky.

She didn’t want to fight with him. She hated leaving things unresolved, hated the way his worried eyes had looked at her before she walked out the door.

“Barnes, stay sharp!” Steve’s voice over the comm snapped Bucky out of his spiraling thoughts. He was pinned down behind a concrete barrier, gunfire ricocheting off the walls around him.

He had stayed behind with the secondary team, watching the operation unfold from a distance. It had been his idea, a way to keep himself grounded while Y/N was out there. But now, every shot fired, every static crackle over the comms set his nerves on edge.

“Y/N, status?” he found himself asking, breaking protocol.

“I’m fine, Buck,” her voice came through, steady but faint. “Focus on your position.”

That was Y/N—always level-headed, even in the thick of it. But something in her tone didn’t sit right with him.

The hallway leading to the main server room was a cold, metallic stretch of shadows and faintly glowing panels. Y/N moved with practiced precision, her steps light and measured despite the tension crackling in the air. Beside her, Natasha was a blur of calculated efficiency, her movements as sharp as her focus.

“We’re nearing the server room,” Natasha’s voice was low and steady, the faint hum of Hydra’s security systems buzzing ominously around them.

Y/N nodded, her grip tightening on her weapon. The faint tapping of their boots on the steel floor seemed deafening, amplified in the vacuum of silence that surrounded them. For a moment, everything was still—too still. The absence of resistance in what should have been a high-security facility put her on edge.

“Doesn’t feel right,” Y/N muttered, her voice barely above a whisper.

Natasha’s lips tightened into a grim line, her green eyes flicking toward the corridor ahead. “Stay sharp.”

The moment they rounded the corner, the silence shattered. Red emergency lights bathed the hallway in an eerie glow, and the screech of alarms pierced the air. Y/N’s heart kicked into overdrive as metal panels slid open along the walls, Hydra soldiers pouring out with weapons raised.

“Ambush!” Natasha barked, already moving.

Y/N ducked behind a nearby crate, her back pressed against the cool steel as bullets ricocheted off the walls. She could feel the heat of the skirmish, the rush of adrenaline coursing through her veins.

“They’re trying to box us in,” Natasha yelled over the gunfire. “We need to clear them fast!”

“I’m on it!” Y/N shouted back, swinging out from her cover to fire. Her shots were precise, each one finding its mark, but the soldiers kept coming, Hydra’s numbers seemingly endless. Her earpiece buzzed with the frantic chatter of the rest of the team holding the perimeter.

“Server room’s just ahead,” Natasha said, reloading swiftly. “Go, Y/N. I’ll cover you.”

Y/N hesitated for a fraction of a second. “You sure?”

“Go!” Natasha snapped, already moving to draw the fire away from Y/N’s path.

Y/N sprinted forward, her body low and agile as she darted between columns of cover. The hallway narrowed, the looming doorway to the server room coming into view. She could feel the heat of Hydra’s reinforcements closing in behind her, the air thick with the acrid scent of gunpowder and sweat.

“Team, I’m almost at the server room,” she called through her comm, her breath coming in short bursts. “Nat, status?”

“Still breathing,” Natasha quipped, her voice tight but composed. “Just don’t make me regret this.”

Y/N reached the door, her fingers flying over the control panel. The lock disengaged with a mechanical hiss, the heavy door sliding open to reveal the server room bathed in a sterile white light. Towering racks of servers blinked at her, their hum a stark contrast to the chaos outside.

“I’m in,” she reported, slipping inside and sealing the door behind her. Her reprieve was short-lived. The alarms grew louder, and the vibration of approaching footsteps resonated through the floor. Hydra wasn’t letting this go without a fight.

She moved quickly, her fingers navigating the terminal with practiced efficiency. Lines of Hydra’s encrypted data scrolled across the screen as she worked to extract the files.

“Y/N, we’ve got a problem,” Natasha’s voice came through, strained. “They’re sending reinforcements your way. I’m pinned down.”

Y/N’s stomach dropped. Her fingers hesitated over the keyboard before resuming their furious pace. “I just need a few more seconds.”

“We don’t have seconds,” Natasha snapped, her voice tight with effort.

“Almost there,” Y/N muttered to herself, ignoring the frantic pounding of her heart. The data transfer bar crawled across the screen, agonizingly slow.

The door behind her rattled, the sound of Hydra soldiers attempting to breach it echoing through the room. Y/N’s pulse spiked, her eyes darting to the terminal as the transfer hit 90%.

“Come on, come on,” she whispered.

The door buckled under the weight of an explosive charge. Y/N barely had time to dive for cover before it blasted open, shards of metal scattering like shrapnel. She hit the ground hard, her comm crackling in her ear.

“Y/N, fall back!” Natasha’s voice was sharp, commanding.

“Not yet,” Y/N replied, scrambling to her feet. Her hand instinctively went to her weapon, firing at the Hydra agents flooding into the room. Each shot was deliberate, buying her precious seconds as the transfer ticked toward completion.

“I’ve got this,” she said into the comm, her voice resolute. But even as she spoke, she knew the odds were stacked against her. She was cut off, alone, and Hydra was closing in fast.

The explosion was deafening.

Bucky’s world narrowed to the static in his comm, drowning out the chaos around him.

“Y/N?!” he shouted, his heart racing. “Y/N, report!”

“I’m sorry, Buck,” her voice came through, faint and trembling. “I love you.”

And then, silence.

“No, no, no,” Bucky muttered, panic setting in. He surged to his feet, ignoring Steve’s shout to stay down. He fought his way through the enemy lines, desperation lending him strength.

By the time he reached her, she was crumpled on the ground, blood pooling beneath her. Her comm lay shattered nearby, her hand limp at her side.

“Doll,” Bucky choked out, dropping to his knees beside her. He pressed his hands to the wound in her abdomen, trying to stem the bleeding. “I’m here. Stay with me, please.”

She didn’t respond, her eyes fluttering closed.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, his voice breaking. “I didn’t mean what I said. You’re not reckless—you’re brave, and I love you for it. Just—don’t leave me.”

Hours later, Y/N woke to the steady beep of monitors. The sterile smell of the medbay filled her senses, and she turned her head slowly, finding Bucky slumped in a chair beside her, his head resting in his hands.

“Hey,” she croaked, her voice weak.

His head shot up, relief flooding his features. “Y/N,” he breathed, moving to sit beside her. “You’re awake.”

“You look terrible,” she teased softly, managing a faint smile.

Bucky let out a shaky laugh, his hand brushing her cheek. “You scared the hell out of me.”

“I’m sorry,” she whispered, her eyes glistening. “I didn’t mean to—”

“Don’t,” he interrupted gently. “I’m the one who should be sorry. I should have trusted you. I let my fear get in the way.”

They sat in silence for a moment, the weight of their emotions settling between them. Finally, Bucky leaned down, pressing a tender kiss to her forehead. “I love you, Doll. Always.”

“I love you too,” she murmured, her hand finding his.

It took weeks for Y/N to recover fully, but Bucky never left her side. The mission was a success, but the real victory was in the promises they made to each other—not unspoken, but loud and clear, built on trust and love.

——————————————————————————————————

Hey, I actually really enjoyed writing this, something with a bit more action! I hope you liked it.. 🫶

Requests Open!

[vent-and-advice]

Hi, so I (22f) have been going to therapy for about 3 years now and overall it’s really helped me get through some difficult times. Recently, however, I asked my therapist if, based on what I’d told her, she thought my mom was a narcissist. Unsurprisingly, she said yes. What she said next really shocked me, however - she said my dad was an ‘enabler parent’. I didn’t really understand the significance of that until I got home and googled the term. And he is one. This man who I’ve always thought of as the somewhat more rational parent is actually just as bad as my mother - he never, under no circumstances, would stand up for me when she finds a way to insult me and instead comes home late from work and gets copiously drunk. I’ve begged him to divorce her before, but every time he’s just made me feel like a bad child for even wanting such a thing.

For the last few years I’ve been studying a law degree and my grades are great (I’m a perfectionist, so they have to be). I’ve been living at home all this time because my parents convinced me to go to a local university, but this is my final year and I’m really struggling with them. My mother’s comments are getting worse everyday and I’ve finally realised that my dad will never care enough to do anything to protect me - if anything, he’ll just tell me I’m being oversensitive and keep drinking even though I have begged him to keep alcohol out of the house (because it also makes my mother a nightmare). I need to hang on for this year, but all of my friends have left my country and I’m just feeling so alone. My dad is also in control of my money and I need him to study my masters degree next year to get out of this country and away from them. I need to keep up apparences to stay in their good books but I’m just so, so tired of living in this home and having to deal with their shit.

Any tips on how to make it to next year? I apologise if this was long.

First off anon, take a hug!

Second off, if possible, spend some more time with a friend or any other positive influence. Get away from the toxic environment and the bad comments. Being surrounded with positivity will definitely help with boosting motivation and comments! Take some time to focus on hobbies and try to balance out your school time and you time! (Alarms are perfect for this!) Focusing all your time on school and school alone is going to make you burnt out and have your grades suffer in the end. Also, talk with your professors about what you should do! Helping their students succeed is their job!

I wish you the best of luck anon. Remember. You deserve happiness! 🌷🐝

[mercy-burning]

Your Favorite — Part 2

Pairing: Spencer Reid x fem!Reader Summary: Y/N and Spencer decide to keep seeing each other in secret. Category: SMUT (18+) Content: Adults w/ age gap, cockwarming, heavy petting, penetrative/unprotected sex, breeding kink, oral sex (both receiving), degradation, exhibitionism, fingering, cum play maybe? Word Count: 7.5k

PART 1 | PART 2 | PART 3 | MASTERLIST

NOTE: This is... *nervous laugh* this is pure filth. Like... It’s nothing but sex scenes, y’all. Buckle in. (Also the end is a lil angsty so watch out hehehe)

———

JULY 8th

"You're sure you guys are okay without me for a little while?"

I love my mom. Really, I do.

But if she delays her bath for any longer than one more second, I'm going to burst into flames.

Thankfully it seems that Spencer is patient enough for the both of us. "Positive. You deserve to relax a little. Go. Take your bath, we'll be fine."

Mom looks to me for extra reassurance, and I give it to her with a nod.

"Okay. I'll try not to be too long."

She turns and kisses Spencer, long and lovesick, and I want to barf. What's even worse is that when she pulls away and pats my head before retreating up the stairs, he's smiling. And he's supposed to, I know that. Part of him obviously cares about my mom, and even if he's only fucking me on the side, the fact remains that he goes to sleep next to her. That's the way it has to be.

But it still makes me incredibly envious.

It's a problem.

Mom is upstairs now, but our rule is that unless we know for certain that she's not coming into sight or earshot anytime soon, we remain distant.

Still, I make my distaste for their affections known. "You guys are gross..."

Spencer laughs, his hand sneaking over the couch cushion and grazing the end of my skirt. "Jealous, are we?"

Of course, I have to make it difficult for him. "You're a genius, you tell me..."

"Hey now... You're lucky I'm giving you any attention at all... Besides, you know the rules."

I glance over at him, practically crumbling apart at the seams under his intense gaze. It's one I've gotten used to as of late, one that rivals every smile I've ever seen him give my mother.

"Doesn't make it any easier," I mumble, glancing down at where his fingers are still toying with my skirt.

"I know..." He reaches out and touches my hand, and my skin tingles. "Come here."

Even though I can hear that the bath water has only just started running from below, I comply all the same. I scramble off the couch and return on his lap, straddling him and nesting my fingers through his hair while I lean in to kiss him.

He welcomes me with open arms and an open mouth. The moment our tongues brush, I sigh and melt into him, needing desperately to be as close as possible. Our kisses then are languid and wet, and soft. We don't want to get carried away in case we need to be alert and jump apart, so it's best to keep our bodies controlled.

But as I'm learning, around Spencer, controlling myself is painstakingly difficult.

A whine escapes me when his right hand slips under my skirt and rests along the inside of my thigh, and I shift, silently begging him to give me more.

"So impatient..." he mumbles over my mouth.

I pull away and slide my hands down over his neck and shoulders, my hips rolling forward as I pout. "I haven't had you all week. I'm lonely..."

It's true.

Once all my STD tests came back clean and I got my birth control figured out and solid, the first thing he did was tell my mom he wasn't feeling well and texted me the address to his apartment. And after I told her I was meeting up with a friend, I drove over there and got my brains completely fucked out. We spent all day under the sheets, on the couch, over the kitchen counter, and then on the floor, until I had to go home and pretend like it never happened.

Since then we'd only slept together once, and that was just over a week ago, quickly while Mom ran to the store for an onion of all things. And then Spencer had been busy with consulting on new cases that his old job wanted a little help with, and once he had free time, Mom insisted they go on a date weekend.

I pout harder, stomach churning at the memory of the look he gave me before they left—a silent, sweet goodbye that had left me empty and wanting.

But he's just amused.

A smirk ghosts over his lips, red and a little puffy from the pressure of my own against them. "So I definitely can't trust you to be quiet enough to fuck you properly..."

That warrants another whine and another roll of my hips, and I can feel his hand gripping my thigh a little tighter.

"Please... Spencer, I need you..."

His name rolling off my tongue must be what makes him give into me, because I barely have time to react before he's kissing me again, using both of his hands to lift the back of my skirt up and knead my ass.

"Wait... Are you wearing..."

I grin over his lips, wiggling my ass into his touch and utterly turned on by the fact that he knows what underwear I'm wearing just by touch.

"Mhmm," I answer, nipping his bottom lip. "Your favorite..."

The sound that rumbles in his chest as he crashes his body against mine has to be the sexiest thing I've ever heard. He's obviously trying not to be loud, but it's hard, and that makes the sound strained. He really wants this, wants to keep me, and to do that he has to refrain from going absolutely primal right now. He has to do anything to keep this quiet.

So he pushes me off of him, and I pout, thinking he's given up until we can get a true moment alone.

But I know that isn't the case when he spins his finger and then starts undoing his pants.

"Turn around, sweetheart," he huffs, slipping his pants and underwear down just enough that his erection emerges free. "You're gonna sit here, keep quiet, and keep my cock nice and warm, understood?"

Don't have to tell me twice... I'll fucking take what I can get.

So I spin, back up, and move all my clothing to the side, my skirt lifting as I nestle into Spencer's lap and hold my panties to the side. He laughs at my eagerness, though he isn't laughing much longer once I sink down onto him and get in real close. His hands come out to grab my chest and pull me flush against his own.

The way he stretches and fills me has my eyes rolling back, a long, happy sigh falling from my lips. I wish I could say I'm being dramatic about it, but I'm really not.

I'm genuinely relieved and satisfied with the burn.

"There's my girl," Spencer muses through a sigh of his own, his breath fanning gently over my neck right before he gives it an open-mouthed kiss.

His hands slip under the baggy sweater I'm wearing and run along the planes of my stomach, then up and up, taking the fabric with him until it rests above my bare chest. Being exposed like this, right in the middle of the living room while my mom is just upstairs, excites me more than I think it should.

While Spencer kisses and licks at my neck, his hands now gently kneading my breasts, I squirm.

He doesn't like that very much.

"Ah-ah," he warns, squeezing me tight and pulling me into him more. "Relax..."

He hooks his legs around mine then, spreading them apart and somehow filling me deeper. I whine, leaning my head back onto his shoulder and trying not to roll my hips.

Instead, I settle for clenching myself around him, and that seems to be the right move.

"Atta girl... Lay back and relax... Just feel me filling you up nice and slow..."

"Mmmm," I respond in kind as his hands loosen and glide down my body.

He's light with his touch, though the kisses on my neck feel hungry, and his cock feels heavy and thick inside me. It's a beautiful contrast, really, making me feel so full and yet so light, like I'm a raincloud.

Soon his fingers dip under my skirt and cover my hand, which is working at keeping my panties off to the side. He traces the curves of my fingers with his own, mumbling praises and scattering kisses along the side of my neck. And I'm distracted enough that I almost don't feel his other hand make gentle contact with my clit until I gasp from the sharp sensation.

I can feel his smile against my skin as he starts rubbing in slow, precise circles.

"That feel good, princess?"

"Uh huh," I breathe out, trying to keep still. My other hand digs into my knee in hopes that I can stay grounded and focused on keeping still. But despite that, I'm feeling rather calm. Satisfied...

Right where he wants me.

"Mmm..." He hums happily into my skin, continuing to kiss my neck while working my clit.

And I have no idea how long we lay there. It feels like it could be hours.

The TV is on, but we're not paying any attention to it. In the back of my mind I know that Mom could be done with her bath at any minute, but it's been too long without Spencer inside me... And even though he's not actually fucking me, just having him this close and feeling him touch me, fill me, breathe me in...

God, I never want it to stop.

I'm almost on the verge of coming, but he removes his hand from me and slides them up my stomach again.

I whine at the loss of orgasm, but he pays it no mind. "Here's what you're gonna do. You're gonna start moving..."

I start to get excited, wiggling in his lap a little.

With a dark laugh, he brings his hands to my breasts, kneading them gently and nipping my earlobe. Getting my attention...

"But you're not gonna stop until I fill that slutty little cunt with my cum, got it? I don't care if you come more than once. I don't care if you come at all... I don't care if your mom comes down here and sees..."

I swear I almost come on the spot from his words alone.

And then his voice is somehow even darker, seeping through my skin and settling into the very deepest parts of me.

"You will not stop until you make me come, am I clear?"

I wouldn't deny him if I could. I'm so damn whipped by this man, so eager to please and be near him that he could ask me to do any fucking thing on the planet and I would.

My rational brain might have second-guessed that feeling if it hadn't been horny as fuck...

And so I get to it, maneuvering my hips and working Spencer's cock like my life depends on it. And honestly, it kind of does, because if my mother comes down and catches us I'm dead.

Despite the urgency, though, I relish every second of it. I try to remember every sensation vividly because I don't know when I'll get to feel it again. So every time I sit back down on his dick, I clench it on the way up, because I know that drives him wild and it also means I get to feel him grab me tighter.

I can't see him, not even really when I turn my head, but I can picture how he's probably biting his lip, trying not to be loud. His eyes are probably shooting daggers at the ceiling, praying to the heavens above that my mom won't come down.

But it looks like the heavens above have decided to damn us to hell.

That unmistakable sound of the drain in the tub rumbles through the ceiling and down the inside of the walls as the water travels through the pipes, and my heartbeat races faster than it ever has.

Spencer tugs my hair then, pulling my head to meet his shoulder once more. "You better hurry, little girl..."

That's when I finally come. My cunt throbs and shakes around him as I bounce as quietly as I can. His grip in my hair is tighter, urging me to keep going, and the sharp sensation seems to extend my orgasm a little.

I whimper and whine as I feel it, and that seems to be what does him in.

"Fuck, Y/N, that's it... That's my girl..."

Four more bounces from me is all it takes, and then he's holding my hips in place. He grunts as quietly as possible into my shoulder and fucks into me slowly, filling me to the brim with his cum and breathing harshly into my skin.

I can hear Mom walking around upstairs, most likely getting dressed, which means she'll be down any minute...

"Time to get up, princess," Spencer whispers a moment later, letting go of my hips.

I turn my head into his neck, whining. "I don'wanna..."

"I know, I know... But you have to."

I know he's right. But I can't just get up and lose him so quickly. I want to hold on for as long as possible.

So I tilt my head up and bring his lips to mine. Thankfully he doesn't reject me, instead returning my affections and sighing into my mouth. He's still sheathed inside me, and I can feel his cum very slowly starting to drip down.

I have to get up now...

My mouth reluctantly parts from his and pouts. I expect him to return it with a sad smile, but his lips are rather mischievous.

He smirks, lifting me off of him and quickly pulling my panties back in place. His cum instantly soaks into the thin, lavender fabric, and it only reminds me of his absence.

But then Spencer spins me around on the heels of my feet and presses his hand firmly to my clothed, sopping wet cunt under my skirt, rubbing it in and making me whimper out at the overstimulation.

"I missed you," he whispers sincerely. Sweetly...

I can't help but smile as I lean down to kiss him one more time.

"I missed you, too."

JULY 23rd

I've been looking forward to this weekend since Mom brought it up after her bath—A call from work. A weekend business trip across the country.

She would be gone for almost a whole week.

Spencer's already started on his coursework for the next school year so he'll be busy most days, but at night? That's when he's all mine.

The only hard part about this, really, is containing my excitement. Just yesterday Spencer got me alone and warned me that I better keep my cool and be patient. Though, the way he said it was hardly a bad thing considering it gave me an excuse to feel his hands on me, even in the laundry room where, more or less, this had all started.

Even now I can still feel their warmth and their heft as they grope and paw at my breasts while he attacks my neck with sloppy kisses.

But right now he's not here, and as much as I can't wait to spend the week with him, my mom is also going to be gone for that long.

Just because I'm fucking her boyfriend on a regular basis doesn't mean I don't still love her.

Though, the thought of it all makes me a little uneasy—I don't know what the future holds. I know Spencer obviously cares about my mom, but if it really gets to a point where they've been together long enough, would he ever marry her?

And then what?

It's one thing for him to be my mom's boyfriend, who doesn't live here and only stays when he can... But it's a whole other one to be my stepfather. And what if my mom wants to have another kid?

No.

I'm not even going to think about it... If it ever gets to that point, then we'll deal with it, but right now I've only known Spencer for nearly 2 months, and it's way too soon to be thinking about any of that right now.

"You gonna be alright without me for a week?"

I curl into Mom's side, laughing and thankful for her distraction. "I spend almost a whole year away at college without you, I think I can survive five days."

"Ugh, don't remind me. I wish you could just stay here with me forever."

"Ha, no you don't. I'm a menace."

"Only when you eat all my food and then complain that you're starving..."

My eyes roll affectionately. "Mom. That was one time, and I was fifteen and dramatic."

She kisses the top of my head and then rests her chin on it. "Then my point stands... You were only a menace when you were fifteen. Now you're an angel."

I can tell she's sincere, and when I tell her Thank you, it feels incredibly deceitful—Especially when she starts humming my favorite song and brushing through my hair with her fingers, just like she used to do to get me to sleep as a kid. The foggy feeling it sends through my bloodstream reminds me that I'm definitely not the same person I was back then.

Although, it is true that some things never change, and within minutes I'm soundly asleep in my mother's arms.

———

When Spencer and I are sending her off at the airport the next morning, my heart thrums wildly in my chest.

"You have Spencer's number in case of an emergency?" she asks me in a haste.

"Yes, Mom. For the thousandth time, I have his number, and I have Grandma's number, and I have just about every other number you've ever given me for emergency contacts."

She gives me The Look.

"Yes, I have it. And I'll be okay. I love you."

"Oh, I love you, too," she says, pulling me in for one last breath-reducing hug, though, that's not truly what knocks the breath from my lungs.

She goes to Spencer next, reaching up to give him a goodbye kiss. I'm expecting it. I'm okay with it.

But this is unlike any other kiss I've seen them share, and it admittedly makes me jealous.

Spencer almost has her off the ground, pressing her close to him and kissing her deeply. Her hands weave through his hair as he tilts his head, and this time I can see his tongue slip into her mouth.

"O—kaaay, my eyes are burning... Thank you for that..."

I know I can get away with that because it's a completely normal reaction to seeing your mother make out with anyone, so I don't feel bad about it one bit. And I especially don't feel bad about the warning look he gives me over my mom's shoulder when she comes to give me another hug.

But then she's gone, and minutes later we're leaving the airport parking lot, and I can't seem to shake my jealousy. Even when his hand rests politely on my knee.

The whole way home I only barely acknowledge his presence, giving him half-hearted smiles and remaining mostly still when he glides his hand higher up my leg. By the time his fingers slip under the hem of my skirt, I think he knows something is up, because it stops there.

He waits until we get in the house to bring it up.

"Y/N, are you okay?"

I plop myself down on the couch with an overexaggerated sigh. "Kinda..."

I know Spencer used to be a profiler, and really, it's not that hard to figure out what's wrong with me. But it's still a little scary how easily he just knows.

"You know I had to," he says, walking over and standing in front of me. "Keeping up appearances and whatnot."

He's right. And it's a consequence of what we've decided to do, so really I'm in no place to complain.

Still, I reach out and pull him in by the belt loops, leaning my face in rather close to his crotch. "You know... Actually, I think you just like making me jealous..."

The smile that dances over his lips is amused and downright sinful. "Oh?"

"Mhmm," I drawl, sliding my hands to the front of his pants and rubbing him through the fabric.

He laughs. "Yeah, you are pretty cute when you're all huffy."

With big eyes and a fluttering in my stomach at the way he looks down at me, I feel that pressing of jealousy start to lift off my chest. I know that within an hour he'll have me pinned under his body somehow, and the thought allows my response to come out clearly and without question.

"So how are you gonna make it up to me?"

———

We're already out of our clothes by the time we make it upstairs. And when we finally get into my bedroom, I'm about to shut the door and then Spencer stops me.

"No one's home, sweetheart... Leave it open."

He takes two steps and has me in his arms, his hands sliding down my back and resting over my ass. And when he gives it a squeeze, he grins down at me. "You're gonna be loud for me, understand?"

"Hey, that's on you," I tease, wiggling against him. "You want me loud? Make me loud."

His grip on my ass gets tighter as he pulls me closer, and I yelp out. "Don't challenge me, little girl... You'll regret it."

I laugh then, calling back to his earlier statement. "Aw... You're pretty cute when you're all huffy..."

"Alright, fine."

The next thing I know, I'm on my knees, and his hands are rooting in my hair. The rough carpet underneath me already burns, but I know in the end it's gonna be so worth it.

Spencer brings me close to his exposed crotch and tilts my head up to look at him. "I'm gonna fuck that attitude right out of your pretty little mouth, got it? And you're not gonna do a damn thing but take it like a good girl."

I would have asked him if that was a threat or a promise if he hadn't immediately shoved his dick in my mouth. It has me wet in an instant, the way he just pulls me onto him and starts fucking my face with an urgency that seems to contradict all the time we have. He needs me now, with no time for teasing or pleasantries, and I fucking love it.

Which is why I do as I'm told, enjoying every second as he holds my head still and snaps his hips forward, his velvety smooth cock gliding over my tongue and down my throat with ease. It doesn't take long for my eyes to water, my vision going blurry and my body growing hot. My face is angled straight ahead, but I still find a way to look up at him, and from this low angle?

It's the best thing I've ever seen.

No matter how many times I've been on my knees like this, staring up at Spencer as he loses himself at my hands (or rather my mouth, if you want to get technical), I swear I could never tire of it.

His eyes are glaring down at me as he concentrates, his arms are out in front of me as they hold my head in place, and his pubic bone and sculpted hips are right there, moving ferociously in front of my eyes. He's so deep in my throat for a few seconds, holding me down while I gag around him, that my nose is buried in the soft trail of hair that gathers on his skin, and I want to stay there forever.

But my gag reflex isn't much durable for more than fifteen seconds, much less forever, so I have to pull back.

Spencer pulls me off of him completely, a trail of spit following my lips and then detaching until it lands along my chin. I blink away some of the tears that had gathered in my eyes and pout up at him.

"What's the matter, sweetheart?"

"You're supposed to be making it up to me..." My voice is scratchy and a little hoarse now, but I know it'll probably be worse if Spencer really thinks he can make me as loud as he says (which I truly don't doubt for a second).

He tugs me up by the hair, and I whine as I get to my feet, my knees aching already. And then his mouth is on my cheek, gently kissing away a tear. "Aw, I thought you liked having my dick in your mouth..."

"I do..."I giggled a little, nestling into his body and feeling his erection, now slick with my saliva, press up against the inside of my thigh. "But I like it better in other places..."

"Mmm, you're right... I do, too..."

I certainly hadn't been expecting that answer.

But it doesn't surprise me when he walks us over to the foot of my bed and pushes me onto it. "Hands and knees, princess."

My knees still burn from the carpet, and I'm sure this squeaky-ass mattress won't alleviate the pain at all, but if there's one thing I've learned since having sex with Spencer it's that pain is all part of the pleasure.

So I don't question it. My limbs submit to his simple command, and once I turn away from him and perch myself on my hands and knees, I can feel him climbing on the bed and crawling up the backside of my body. His hands roam my ass and my waist, and within seconds he has his cock nestled against me.

He moves nice and slow at first, dragging the length of him through my slick cunt and ghosting the skin of my backside with his hands.

"Remember... Nice and loud, okay? Wanna hear how good I make you feel."

Like I could ever deny him. Even though I like to tease him and push his buttons, I couldn't think of a single thing in the moment that I'd ever deny him.

So he finally pushes into me, stretching me out well and good, and a low groan slowly rolls off my tongue like a waterfall. And I'm not doing it for his sake; It's like he draws it out of me like a syringe, and I'm utterly powerless against it... Against him.

Like I need a metaphor to explain how I'm well and truly his bitch...

"There she is..." Spencer breathes, reaching the very deepest part of me and staying there. "There's my obedient little girl... Tell me what you want."

I turn my head to get as good of a look at him as I can, and give him the pout to end all pouts. "I want you to fuck me, hard... Please?"

His answer is a gentle push forward, his body leaning over mine to take my hands and pin them behind my back, which pulls me up towards him so that my back is nearly flush with his chest. His hands are so big that one of them is able to hold both of my wrists while the other gathers my hair and tugs.

I feel like I'm being held by a bungee cord, especially when Spencer starts snapping his hips and pounding into me roughly. My knees are pushing into the springs of the mattress and lifting again with each thrust, and I can't help the stream of whimpers and shouts that escape me at the whole experience.

He lets go of my hair in favor of reaching around and palming my left tit, his pace never faltering for a second. Everything he's doing is precise and swift and so fucking good that my eyes can hardly stay open.

"I'm hearing you, pretty girl, but I don't think you're quite loud enough..." he grumbles in my ear, letting go of me and gently pushing me back down on the bed. He slips out of me and I whine at the loss, but I don't have to worry about it much longer when I feel him lay down over top of me and slam into me hard.

I yelp out, my hands reaching out and clutching the comforter for dear life. Spencer's hands, meanwhile, push up off the mattress on either side of my hips to lift himself up, and then he's grabbing my waist and pushing me into it while he fucks me.

When I instinctively shove my face down and try to muffle myself, though, one of his hands leaves my waist and comes up to tug my hair, pulling my head up. His hips pause, pressed deep into my backside, and I can feel how he's struggling to keep still.

"Uh-uh... No one's home, princess... Let it all out..."

He pulls back and plows into me again, and this time his pace is frustratingly slow. With each slam forward my voice grows louder, begging him for more with incoherence until I start to feel myself grow tense with pleasure.

"You're almost there, baby, I can feel it," Spencer breathes. His voice is far away, and I wish he was closer, his breath on my neck and his lips not far behind. But for now I gladly settle for his hands, tight and bruising on my hips, and the force of his pelvis as it collides brutally and wonderfully with my ass.

What finally brings me sweet release is the sound of him grunting out one word. A command. And once again it's like I'm powerless under his spell.

"Come."

I do, and he fucks me thoroughly through each wave. Even once I've finished, he chases his own orgasm for minutes.

By the sounds he's making and the way his hips falter here and there, I can tell he's close, but he wants to make it last. I want to tell him that we have all weekend, to maybe tease him a bit, but I'm so fucked out and incoherent that I couldn't have said a single word if I tried.

So I lay there and take it with a weary smile on my face, ever the whiny, whimpering mess that I am, and patiently wait for the moment he decides to let go.

And when he does, it's the most glorious feeling in the world. I'm tired, yes, but never tired enough to lift myself and wiggle my ass back into him, clenching myself around him and relishing in the way he grunts out my name. He empties himself into me, and I hum, positively satisfied and warm.

Before I know it, I'm sinking down within the comfort of my blankets, and I rest my head in my arms, the pillow still a little too far out of reach. And though I'm content, I still whine out sadly when Spencer retreats and leaves me feeling empty.

I'm about to tell him to get over here and cuddle me when I feel his weight redistribute, and it isn't long before he has his head between my legs, his tongue acting as a net for the cum that drips out of me. He barely touches me, only the tiniest of flicks with the tip of his tongue darting over my skin. I can't tell if I'm thankful because of the relief or if I want the burn to go on forever.

In the end, I don't really have a choice.

He pushes his tongue up, sweeping over my dripping cunt and cleaning me up. Suddenly his mouth is everywhere, making the most delicious sounds and bringing me closer to another orgasm, and all I can do is let it happen. My weary smile is joined by a fluttering pair of eyelids and a string of whimpers that are so small they don't dare drown out the words Spencer is grumbling between my legs.

Some of which, I can hear, sound out, "Another one..."

His finger adds to the mix, coming up and rubbing my clit in tight circles as he finishes cleaning up the mess he made, and within seconds I'm a writhing mess at his undoing.

I'm not sure how long it lasts, only that one second I'm tensing with another orgasm and the next I'm having my limbs moved.

Spencer is beside me in an instant, his face coming into view as I feel my breathing slow to a steadier pace. The longer I wait, the more focused I am on his features, soft and even a little concerned as he strokes some of the hair from my face.

"How are you feeling?"

The smile that beams across my face is just about the most natural thing I'd ever felt. And it seems to bring out those bright glints of adoration in his eyes that only ever serve to make my heart flutter, which makes what I tell him even more true.

"I'm happy."

JULY 27th

Waking up to Spencer next to me, while a daily occurrence these past few days, is still possibly the most surprising and comforting feeling in the world.

Our bodies never part. From the moment we lay down to sleep until the moment we wake up and decide it's time to start doing necessary daily things, not one inch of skin is untouched. Even when showering.

I think back to yesterday morning, where he dragged me out of bed because he had to pee and didn't want to leave me. I was slumped over the backside of his body while he went and then in his arms again while he ran us a shower to wake up.

It brings the widest smile to my face, however sleepy it may also be.

"What are you smiling for?"

I squint one eye open and see that Spencer is staring at me. I hadn't expected him to be awake.

"Just thinking about yesterday..."

He tightens his grip on my waist and pulls me even closer, my face instantly drawn to the crook of his neck. "Mmm," he hums as I nestle in and press a sleepy kiss to the bare skin at the column of his throat. "Which part?"

"Our shower."

I feel his thumb then, rubbing back and forth over my hip as clearly as I can feel him smile against the top of my head. "That was fun, wasn't it..."

"Mhmm," I agree. My lightly tongue traces over his collarbone before I kiss it again. "Our shower is much better equipped for sex than yours."

"So... What you're saying is that shower sex is out of the question this morning?" he confirms with a laugh.

"That's exactly what I'm saying..."

"Well then, princess, what uhh... What alternatives do you think we should try out?"

I start to laugh when he pulls my leg up over his waist and hoists me over on top of him. My face remains buried into his neck, though I trail my lips up and up until I reach his jaw.

"Hmm... What if I just ride you and see where it takes us?"

When my lips finally reach his cheek, Spencer shifts and captures them in a long, butterfly-inducing kiss before pulling away with a smile and brushing the hair from my face. "I think that sounds like a wonderful idea."

It helps that I can already feel him hardening beneath me, and from the moment I felt his hands on me, I'd been aroused.

Though, as soon as I line him up and get ready to start our morning the right way, his phone rings on the bedside table. I'm tempted to keep going, but he half pushes me off of him when he reaches and reads the name.

"It's your mom."

That instantly kills my mood.

With a dramatic sigh and a pout, I hop off of him and curl up under the covers, letting him answer.

"Good morning," he chirps rather happily, and I try not to imagine my moms smile on the other end of the line. Thankfully I can't hear her, but I can still see Spencer smiling as he greets her and goes through all the pleasantries that come with a long distance relationship; I miss yous and how are yous...

I wonder if he really does miss her. He must, at least a little, right?

I'm staring straight ahead now, picking at my nails while I wait for them to finish talking, but something feels off.

I can feel Spencer's eyes on me.

But then he asks, "What are you wearing?" through the phone with a voice so playful and seductive, and I snap my head around, glaring at him.

"Really?" I mouth.

The smirk on his face makes me want to chuck his phone across the room.

"Mmm," he hums, looking me dead in the eye. And the next time he speaks, I swear he's talking directly to me. "Why don't you take it off... I want to talk you through some things..."

I know my mom is hearing the roughness in his voice through the phone, but right now I can see his eyes, hungry as they rake over my body once I slowly peel the blanket away and reveal myself to him, and I know that his main goal isn't to get my mom off.

It's to finish what we started before she'd interrupted.

"Touch yourself for me, baby? Nice and slow. Just relax..."

He softly crawls over to me, keeping the phone to his ear with one hand while the other takes my knees and spreads them apart.

I start to touch myself as instructed, but he swats my hand away and winks, nestling between my legs. I lean up on my elbows and tilt my head, wondering where he's going with this, when he leans his other cheek into my thigh.

"You know what I'd do to you right now If I was there?" A small pause. And then, "I'd use my fingers to slowly stretch you open... Feel you contract around me..."

His fingers do exactly like he says, and I have to stop myself from making any sound. The evil grin growing on his face as he does it all makes it even harder.

"I'd finger-fuck you nice and slow," he continues in a voice just above a whisper. "Until you're begging me for more."

When his eyes meet mine, once more I want to lean forward, snatch his phone, and smash it on the floor. I want him to utterly devour me, without any interruptions or avoidances at getting caught.

But he's such a fucking tease.

Mom must be talking on the other end, because Spencer is silent, slowly fucking me with his fingers and watching them intently as they disappear inside me. Entranced... The thought of her speaking to him and holding his attention makes me jealous— Sure, he's fucking me right now, but really, she's the one calling the shots.

I lean my head back in frustration, letting out the tiniest of whines and grinding my hips up into his hand, hoping and pleading for more.

A low laugh leaves him. "Please, what?"

It's not lost on me that my mom must have asked for more from him at the same time I did... It cements just how absolutely fucked this whole situation is, and yet I can't help but clench around his fingers in earnest, silently pleading with him to go on.

He removes his fingers from me and I sigh out, trying not to disrupt their call.

"And... How would you like me to fuck you?" he asks, looking at me with an evil grin and knowing damn well I can't actually answer.

After he gets her answer, he climbs up on his knees and spreads my legs further, throwing one of them up on his shoulder while he leaves the other on the bed. Since he only has one hand to work with, he gestures to it and I help him out, lifting my other leg up to my chest and holding it with one arm to let him get inside at a good angle.

"Yeah, and how do you want it, baby?" He lines himself up with me and very slowly sinks the head of his cock in, holding it and running his hand along my stomach. "I'm thinking... I'd like to fuck you so slow you're practically writhing beneath me..."

I stick my tongue out at him, and then without warning he slams into me. I bring a hand to my mouth and bite down on my finger, trying not to make a sound.

"You're gonna be patient... And you're gonna let me take my time... Until you're nice and desperate... Whining out for me like a good little whore..."

Each sentence is punctuated with another thrust, hard and deep, followed by a short pause, and it's all I can do not to cry out his name and beg him to go faster.

Mom must be talking on the line again, because Spencer doesn't say a word as he fucks me. His pace doesn't pick up or slow, and his own self control starts to recede—I can see it in his features. I can also feel it in the way his free hand grips my leg. He wants to go faster, he wants to lose control, and this is killing him just as much as it's killing me.

But then he pants into the phone, his voice breaking a little as he pauses and rolls his hips into me, slow and burning. I whine into my hand as quietly as possible, and he asks the question that will seal my fate.

"Where do you want it?"

I wait, clenching around him and praying for the result I want.

And then he laughs. "Yeah? You like when I paint you with my cum, huh?"

I shake my head, silently begging him to resist and stay inside me, but he only shrugs as if to say, Sorry about your luck, and then pulls out, leaving me whiny and desperate.

Just like he said.

And then, he comes all over me, stroking himself fast and hard. Even though I've still yet to feel any sort of relief, seeing him in front of me like this, feeling his warmth dance across my skin in warm spurts, and hearing him groan out as he watches my body gladly accept it all...

It's quite honestly the most satisfying thing I've ever seen.

I can't say I'm not happy, though, when he slumps down and pants, sighing out a few goodbyes to my mom and then tossing his phone on the floor when she hangs up.

He smiles at me then, and I pout.

"You're evil..."

"Mmm, you love it," he drawls, leaning down and starting to dart his tongue over the mess he made on my stomach. Meanwhile his finger finds its way inside me again, and I feel myself start to turn into a writhing mess once more.

And he's right.

I do love it.

JULY 29th

Approaching the front door with Mom in step behind me, knowing that Spencer awaits for her on the other side isn't what makes my heart jump out of my chest.

It's the look on both of their faces when they see each other.

Though I push Mom forward to go see him, it nearly breaks me seeing her run into his arms. He picks her up and spins her around, reminiscent of their little moment at the airport, and the pure happiness on her face specifically makes my stomach twist.

This time it isn't jealousy.

It's guilt.

She's... incredibly happy. I don't think I've ever seen her this happy before. She's positively beaming as she hugs him tight and buries her face into his chest.

And when he looks past her head and looks over at me, I feel it.

The heartache.

Spencer's eyes burn holes into my own, and fill them with a sympathy that makes me feel more wounded than comforted.

I wonder then if he can see it on my face; The way I'm trying not to break down and cry... The way I'm only holding myself together by the weak smile I'm wearing, both to assure him that I'm fine and also to feign happiness for my mother, rather than the aching envy and sadness that festers within every crevice of my soul.

I offer to grab more of Mom's things from the car and dart right back out the door to avoid them for a little while. Maybe to also get some fresh air, even though I'd just been outside less than a minute ago.

After flinging open the trunk of the car, I take a deep breath and squeeze my eyes shut, feeling my chest start to tighten at the realization that I might be starting to fall in love with him.

A man who isn't mine, and who could never be.

———

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[kingsuckjin]

Golden- JJK

💛 Pairing: (almost entirely)Jungkook x reader, (basically none)Seokjin x reader

💛 Rating: 18+

💛 Genre: friends to lovers but like fluffy but also like very sad.

💛 Summary: After see your boyfriend Jin cheating on you at a bar and realizing your shared friends have been working together to hide it from you, you storm off into the parking lot to cry. Jungkook sees you out there and tells you the truth about everything, or what he wants you to believe is the truth.

💛 Words: almost 16k

💛 Warnings: CHEATING!!! “only one-bed” cliché but I love it, drinking, oral sex(m&f), protected sex and unprotected sex, dirty talk, overestimation, vaginal fingering, love kink?, too much smut, uhhh Jungkook is a bit of a stalker.

💛 Note: listen, I just wanted an excuse to write a gratuitous amount of Jungkook fluff and smut and I also love hurting. I thought I should throw in, these two characters are not actually in love, there are reasons it moves so fast, but it's not love.

❤ also a very big thank you to @btsaudge​ who beta read this whole thing for me, she’s not only a god tier beta reader but a god tier writer too ❤

“Where are you?” Jin was supposed to be home an hour ago. He had been doing this off and on for the past few months. You’d be lying if you hadn't wondered if things were beginning to fall apart later. You knew Jin would never do anything he wasn’t supposed to, especially not with the other guys there. You knew he was probably just having fun and part of you felt awful for wanting to keep tabs on him, you didn’t want to ruin his time by pestering him the whole time.

You paced as you waited for a reply but none came.

“Is Jin okay?” You sent to Namjoon now and he replied pretty quickly.

“Yeah, I’ve got an eye on him. We’re just over here at Gold’s bar telling old stories.” 

“Thank you.” You replied. You knew Jin could be a handful after having too many drinks but entrusted them with him.

You tried to sit back down and open your laptop up only to just blankly gaze at the screen. You were bored. Writer's block had hit you hard and you just didn’t feel like writing right now. You missed Jin tonight. You thought about the trip you had saved up for with the money from your last book. Sleepless hours were poured into making that book special all because you and Jin had shared a dream of vacationing in Hawaii together. All of your money went to it, every cent besides the shared rent, you wanted to surprise him and you just couldn’t find the right time to do it. He was a lawyer, not the best yet, so he had many sleepless hours too. You both deserved this trip.

You wondered for a moment if you dressed up and showed up if it would make him happy, especially if you finally told him about the trip tonight. You figured if you waited until he got home he would just pass right out and you wouldn’t get the chance. Again, you didn’t want to bother him with his friends, but then again he had spent many nights with them drinking and you were sure there were more to come, one night of you showing up couldn’t hurt.

You closed your laptop and went to your closet to find the black dress he loved so much on you, you only got it out for special occasions, and one of these days you planned on wearing it when he proposed. You knew him proposing was coming, he had been talking about it here and there lately “After we’re married…” or “when I make you my wife…” this was how life was supposed to go and you thought you couldn’t have picked a more relaxed person to share life with and you did your best to match his laid back attitude.

You got an Uber to Gold’s bar, it wasn’t a long ride, just long enough to make you further worry about ruining his time tonight. 

The first person you saw was Taehyung sitting at the bar with a pretty lady, obviously flirting like the ladies man he was. 

You tapped him on the shoulder and when he turned he seemed surprised to see you for a moment.

“Where’s Jin?” You asked over the music that was playing slightly too loud and it just wasn’t your taste in music anyway.

“I saw him over there.” He pointed to a corner of the building, and you saw him alright. You saw past the people and even passed the girl pressed into him, both leaned on the wall. 

“What are you doing here?” Came another voice.

You looked away from the scene and at Yoongi. Your eyes felt wide and your mouth fluttered open and closed. You didn’t know what to say or to think, or what was happening. Were you tired? Were you seeing things? Had your sweet and kind boyfriend just been making out with another woman with all of his and your friends here to witness it? You were confused? Did they all know something you didn’t?

You turned back around, afraid you would see the scene again, but you didn’t. There was no one against the wall. The place was dim, maybe you had just thought it was Jin.

“Want a drink?” Yoongi offered.

All you could do was just nod. 

Your eyes kept scanning the faces of people to find Jin, you were so lost and set on finding him that you were surprised to see the shot in front of your face Yoongi had gotten for you. You took it, you had no idea what it was even as it burned your throat.

“Looking for Jin huh?” Yoongi asked and sat down at one of the stools at the bar before patting the seat next to him.

“Well he’ll find us, I think he’s around here with Namjoon somewhere, might’ve gone to throw up.” 

“Yeah.” You replied but still felt nervous. Another shot was brought to both you and Yoongi.

“Was-was he pretty drunk when you saw him last?” You asked.

“He always gets pretty plastered, you know that.” 

“Sweetie!!!!” It was his voice.

You turned in the stool to see a smiling Jin coming in your direction, arms stretched wide. “What are you doing here?” He seemed happy and pretty drunk and he leaned over, wrapped his arms around you, and placed his cheek on your head. 

You felt relieved he wasn’t upset you were there.

“I’ve missed you all night.” He kissed the top of your head.

“God, you’re loud when you’re drunk,” Yoongi muttered to him.

When he released your smile that had grown from his embrace and hug faltered.

There was red lipstick on his neck.

“Jin what happened?” You asked, your hands had become sweaty as the scene you had witnessed earlier flashed through your mind.

“What do you mean?” He still wore a big smile.

“Jin, you have lipstick-“ you couldn’t finish your sentence. You turned to Yoongi just to make sure you weren’t going crazy and he had turned back away to face the bar.

You could feel your pulse thud hard as your brain further tried to rationalize it but to no avail. He must’ve caught on because he wiped at the place on his neck where your gaze was fixed. Your eyes flickered back to his nervous-looking brown eyes that were always so full of joy and laughter, the ones that always felt like home to you. Everything about this situation felt so wrong like a nightmare, you felt sick. This couldn’t be your Jin, it wasn’t your Jin, it was some strange cold stranger pretending to be him, but the more you looked at him the more you realized you were wrong. You felt tears well in your eyes and knew your strong front was beginning to dissolve and break apart like paper in water. 

That was it.

You took off for the door, you looked back and saw Jin trying to stumble after you, but Taehyung had stopped him.

You were left in tears in the parking lot, you felt your phone go off in your hand but your brain was in too much of an anger and hurt haze to care. You were looking for a place to break down, anywhere, but you sure as hell weren’t planning on going back in there. Your whole relationship with Jin was flashing through your mind and it felt like your heart had been burned, burned with the image of him and someone else the way her lipstick has been burned onto his neck.

You began to sob as you walked around parked cars. You were caring less and less who saw you break down. You felt so alone and exposed especially when a man sitting on the hood of his car began to stare.

“Y/n?” The voice questioned. Through your tear-blurred vision, you could see the screen of his phone light up his shocked-looking face.

Jungkook.

“How’d you get here so fast? I just-“ he stood from his seat on his car hood.

“Seokjin cheated on me.” You sobbed in the ugliest crying voice you had ever heard come from yourself.

Your fists grabbed the material of his jacket and you hurried your face in its collar.

His hands went to the middle of your back and hugged you silently for a moment. It just felt so good to have someone comfort you when everyone else seemed not to care or ignore you altogether. Even if it was awkward Jungkook.

You recalled the time where he once showed up at your University and just wanted to hang out for seemingly no reason. The whole two hours he was with you, he stayed silent. You thought he had wanted to visit you because you were friends but it left you wondering if he was ju9st trying to kill time or something. You also remember Jin not being too happy about it when you told him, maybe Jin wasn't too understanding back then.

“He was kissing someone else and I-I-“ you trailed off into a series of gaspy hiccups.

“I know.” He sighed.

“What?” You took a step back but still didn’t release him.

“Your phone. Check your phone.” He instructed.

You unlocked it to see a lengthy text from him. It was hard to read it and stay focused, you were shivering out of school or the chill in the air from this dress. You skimmed it but you shook worse the more you stood there. Attached were two pictures of Jin and the woman kissing in the same way and position that you had seen them.

You looked up at Jungkook with tears streaming down your cheeks, your lip quivered, your body shivered and he looked down at you with sorrow knitted into his furrowed brows.

“I’m sorry. They had always told me not to say anything, that it wasn’t my business, that I’d make you both unhappy if I-“ 

Your teeth were still chattering as you looked up at him.

He took his coat off silently before draping it around your shoulders. You fed your arms through the armholes that were way too big on you.

“Come on, let’s get you… let’s get you warm.” He went around to the passenger’s side and opened his car door. You didn’t resist, at least you could break down somewhere private.

You held your head in your hands as you sobbed over the sound of the engine and heat warming the car. He sat there quietly, not saying anything at all, but you didn’t blame him for it, he had always been awkward with people, especially you, but at least he seemed to care more than anyone else tonight.

You cried until only your hiccups remained. Your head rested against the headrest as you looked out the windshield at the night sky, it was starless.

“You- you uh wouldn’t want to go home would you.” It was a statement, he knew you wouldn’t. “Is there- somewhere I can take you? You could come with me… if you want.” 

“I don’t know, I don’t know if I want to be anywhere, but I can’t go home.” You stated knowing you weren’t making complete sense.

“We don’t have to go to my house just yet, we can do anything you want… but I do understand if you want to be somewhere where you can just be sad.”

“I don’t want to be sad.” You sniffled once more and wiped at your face “I don’t want to be anywhere sad. I wanted to have fun…”

“I know somewhere we can have fun.” 

Before you could answer he was pulling out of the parking lot.

It was quiet for a while as you just looked out the window.

“I know what it’s like you know.”

You turned to look at his face as he drove, lights every so often passing over his face.

“You’ve been cheated on too.” It wasn’t a question so much as a sad statement that came from your mouth. 

“That’s what made me want you to know so badly. It tore my heart out and sometimes I wish …I never would’ve found out, it hurt. I know it hurts.”

“I’m so sorry Jungkook.” You whispered. Sometimes he was weird, but you knew he had always had a good heart. 

“Sometimes things like that just happen, it doesn’t make it hurt less, but it does help to know you’re not alone… that and getting shit-faced.” He joked making you let out an amused puff of breath as you felt yourself smile just a little.

“Are we going somewhere with alcohol?” You asked.

“Of course. It’s on the house tonight.”

“You’re a good one Jungkook.” You replied.

You looked up at the big neon bowling ball and pins at the top of the building as you sat in the parked car.

“Bowling?” You asked and looked down at your dress. He was such a weird person.

“Just trust me.” 

So you did trust him, after all, it was better than being at home alone or worse, at home with Jin.

When you walked into the bowling alley it was dark, but there were laser lights and strobes and glowing lights and music played loudly but not as near as deafening as it did at the bar. It seemed like you were the only two here, besides one older guy playing alone at the very end lane.

You took a seat at a table at the opposite end and simply just waited, but the more you were alone with your thoughts the more what happened played through your mind. 

How long had Jin been cheating on you? Had he knowingly been cheating on you while talking about you being his wife someday?

You felt tears sting your eyes again, it was harder to hold them back this time.

Jungkook came back with an entire pitcher of beer and a plastic cup he sat on the table before he looked at you.

You tried to shield your crying eyes. You felt stupid crying at a bowling alley you weren’t even bowling at.

You heard the sounds of him pouring beer into the cup and you heard the cup scoot across the table.

You put your hand down, picked up the cup, and downed it.

“I know it’s hard not to think about, and I know it hurts. You shouldn’t be so embarrassed about crying.” Somehow he was able to read you “we’re pretty much the only ones here.” 

“I know, it just feels so strange crying in such an open place. I’m glad I’m here though.” 

He looked to be thinking about your words for a moment before ducking down in the seat and disappearing under the table.

“Come here,” he asked from under the table as you poured more beer in the plastic cup.

You followed him down under the table miraculously without spilling your drink.

He gave you the biggest, sweetest toothy smile and you couldn’t help but return it. You felt like a child playing hide and seek. 

He began to sing along to September by Earth Wind and Fire that played throughout the bowling alley, even physically reenacting the words just to make you laugh. Behind him, past the table were the prettiest lights. You felt so comfortable, warm, and safe in his yellow jacket.

“Are you okay?” He asked with slight concern.

“Yeah.” You snapped out of it and took another drink of your drink before offering him some.

“No, I have to drive. I got it for you, it’s all yours.” He declined.

“Thank you, for all of this.” You told him “it has made me feel better, I owe you so much.” 

“Don’t mention it.” He shrugged and you couldn’t help but notice just how sturdy his shoulders looked, and his thick tattooed upper arms.

His eyes were just as big and sparkling as when you had met him in high school. You tried to think back on the exact point you met him but you couldn’t remember.

“Jungkook, when did we meet, do you remember?” You asked him curiously.

“Mhm. I remember.” He gave you a nod. “We were all at Seokjin’s and we were setting up monopoly but had to wait because he was waiting on someone else. When you walked in the door I…”

“You just stared at me the whole time, I felt so unwelcome.” You laughed as you remembered.

You looked over at him to see him looking down and playing with one of the chunky rings on his fingers with a shy smile, his shaggy dark waves threatening to obstruct your view of his sheepishness. He was no longer that quiet and shy bowl-cut boy, well, in a sense was, but not to you anymore. He had tattoos all over him and long hair, his ears had a few rings in each. You wondered how someone so sweet could look like that. He was a paradox all on his own and you simply just never understood it, maybe that’s why you had felt like he was a little weird.

“The funny thing was, I had never seen you at school before that, but I saw you everywhere after.”

“I remember the same thing happening.” You replied as your mind went to seeing him in the halls and recalling the little waves he would give you. It made you smile recalling him then and looking at him now.

“You’ve always been so good, Kook.”

His reply was a shy scoffing noise before thanking you.

You noticed the cup you held was empty and looked down at it.

“Want me to get you more up top?” He pointed up and you nodded. He took your cup and told you to stay put as if you might be planning on crawling away. You felt safe here under this table with him, it was like your feelings couldn’t find you as long as you hid under here with him.

He bumped his head on the way back down making you burst out into laughter.

“You think that’s funny you sadist?” He joked as he smiled big and you continued to laugh at him “is that what it takes to make you laugh?” He teased as he handed you your refilled drink. “You know what would be hilarious? Me walking out here and getting hit by a car. You would be in tears with laughter.”

You still laughed but shook your head.

“You know what I think?” He lifted a brow at you “I think you’re drunk.” He accused you.

“No, definitely not. No way.” You denied but both of you knew it was a joke. Everything seemed to lag just a bit and you felt so silly. Your confidence was through the roof and every time you looked at him your heart raced. 

“I think you’re drunk.” You accused him back.

“Me? How? I haven’t drank anything all night.” His warm smile never ended and you swore he couldn’t take his eyes off of you.

“I think you’re so drunk that you think I’m drunk.” 

“No no.” You continued with your play fight. “If I was drunk could I do this?” You simply just took another drink of beer.

“Yes?” He chuckled. His laugh alone was enough to make your stomach feel like it was jumping into your throat.

You don’t know what got into you, you don’t know why you did it, but you reached forward and placed your hand on his knee.

There was silence for a moment as he looked down at it. He picked it up and he didn’t quite hold it but took it in a weird handshake way and let your conjoined hands be somewhere in the space between you.

He looked at you and smiled.

“I’m cutting you off. No more drinks for you.” You couldn’t tell if he was joking, or he was hinting for you to stop, your drunk brain had no idea. Instead of trying to figure out if he was rejecting you, you turned his hand over in yours and looked at his hand tattoos and rings, running your hand over each one. You had once heard his tattoos were for his family, but you didn’t know. You let go of his hand and held his arm as you examined those too, some had words you’re drunk brain couldn’t comprehend the meaning of.

“What’s after this?” He asked as he let you look over his skin.

You thought about it.

“I don’t want to go home.” You knew that much. “And I have no friends except…” actually you didn’t have friends anymore.

“My house it is then.” 

“I don’t have to if- I wouldn’t want to…”

“It’s alright, I don’t mind. I just want to know you’re safe and not in pain… unless you’d feel too uncomfortable.”

“I trust you.” You locked eyes with him. It was the truth, Jungkook had never hurt anyone ever that you can recall. He hadn’t even been mad at any of the others, even when he should’ve been sometimes. If you were bothering him he never would’ve said it, and knowing that made you feel worse, it made you feel like you were.

“I don’t think you’ve ever been to my house, but I have to warn you, it isn’t the best, I’m just a currently jobless IT guy. Kinda lost my job last week.”

“I’m so sorry Kook. I don’t mind, at least it’s not with Jin.” You finished off what was in your cup, he hadn’t been too serious about cutting you off the drinks.

“I’ll be back.” He let you know before crawling out from under the table.

You went to get out from under the table and the moment you stood all the drinks hit you, you held onto the table for stability as you sat back down at your seat. The pitcher of beer was gone so you had either finished it or he had taken it. Your brain was no longer thinking about Jin thankfully, but unfortunately, it was stuck on Jungkook and the way he looked at you and how his hand had felt in yours. Your breath felt shaky about going home with him, not because you were unsure, but because to you that had to mean something. You tried to separate yourself from your drunk mind and realized you didn’t want to push his boundaries when he was being so kind. You were drunk and he wasn’t and you knew he had morals that you just didn’t right now. You shouldn’t hit on him again, but then again he let you hold his hand, didn’t he? Did he? Would you even call that hand-holding? He hadn’t pulled away but that didn’t mean he wasn’t trying to be nice and that didn’t mean he was uncomfortable. You felt bad about doing it, but the drunk and hurt part of you wanted something, some kind of closeness with anyone so the hurt could be replaced just for now. It was all wrong of you.

Your brain spun as you looked off into nothing at all of the dancing colorful lights of the bowling alley. Maybe Jungkook wanted to take advantage of you, maybe he saw this as an opportunity, and as wrong as that sounded you would’ve been okay with that. Your mind stuck to that idea like a fly stuck in honey.

“Ready?” He asked as he held out his hand for you to help you out of the seat.

You stumbled a bit as you took your first few steps but he grabbed you around the waist.

“Careful.” He said so gently and so patiently but it did nothing to ease your turbulent thoughts and feelings. As he held your body like this, it made you want to hold him back, but you fought the urge. He was just helping you get to the car so you didn’t fall flat on your ass.

He buckled you in murmuring a quiet apology for seemingly no reason.

His car smelled of him. It was funny how you never noticed before he had his own scent, it was a bit like cinnamon or some kind of spice and fresh laundry. It hung all around you, on his coat, the fabric of his car, and even on your hands from touching his. 

You looked at him as he drove, the whole time, and if he noticed he hadn’t said a word about it. You felt fully wrapped in him and yet you ached for more, more than just this casual friendliness.

“Do you promise to tell me if I bother you… in any way at all.” Your mouth blurted out.

“I promise.” You watched him smile at your odd request. “You never have bothered me yet.”

The reassurance was what you needed for your mind to feel content for now.

The silence was comforting after all the music and crying and drinking and all the things you had seen tonight. You almost fell asleep, almost.

The keys jingling and a car door closing woke you up. You looked around to see apartment buildings just as Jungkook opened your side car door. You unbuckled yourself.

“Do you need me to carry-“ 

You got to your feet on your own but grabbed for his arm.

“Wait.” He announced before getting to his knees in the parking lot.

He took your leg in his hand and took off one of your heels before taking the other off. He then put an arm under your leg and one on your back before you were horizontal in his arms.

“There are steps up here. I didn’t want you falling in those shoes.” He commented as he carried you and your shoes. You wrapped your arms around his neck so he might have an easier time.

“Would you laugh if I fell down the stairs?” 

“Only for a second.” He teased

“You sadist.” You snorted.

The way his body and muscles felt against you as he packed you up the stairs to his apartment door made you more lightheaded than all the alcohol you had tonight.

He put you down to unlock his door but his hands went back into you to help you walk through it.

He flipped on the lights to reveal his apartment.

His living room area consisted of a mattress on the floor with dark blue sheets and a blanket, it faced a big TV on a stand with game systems and even a computer tower.

The headboard of his bed was the bar that separated the tiny kitchen from the living area.

To the far side were two doors, you assumed one was a bathroom and another door that looked like it slid open could be a closet.

“Quaint, right?” He asked.

“It’s very you.” You said as you breathed the scent of him hanging all around you.

“I was thinking you could have the bed and I could sleep on the floor.” He commented.

“Haven’t you been sleeping on the floor anyway?” You joked. “It’s a big bed, but it also could be a couch. So I could have the couch and you could have the bed. I don’t see any other way around this.”

“You’re okay with us both sharing…?” He asked as if you hadn’t already been thinking about it before you found out the only place to sit or lay in here was his bed.

“Do you mind?” You asked.

“Uh uh.” He shook his head and took off across the room. You wobbled on over to his bed and had a seat. You watched as he slid the closet door open.

He threw a pair of pajama pants and a white t-shirt behind him onto the bed before pulling out more clothes he kept in his arms.

“The bathroom is-“ 

You cut him off by pointing to the only other room in the apartment. You picked up the clothes and he asked if you needed help getting in there but you shook your head.

You had to hold onto the sink as you dressed in the foreign fabric of his clothing, but even though it felt odd, you still felt comfortable. You did your best to drunkenly wash your face before coming back out. The room was dim, and the Netflix home page was the only light. He was in the tiny open kitchen half of the room in grey sweatpants and a black shirt setting a glass of water onto the island.

“Drink.” He pointed and you did as he asked but could only stomach half the glass. You were sure to thank him for his kind gift of water before you went over to his bed on the floor and got in.

“Here.” He placed a remote on your torso before crawling into the bed himself.

But you didn’t want to watch anything at all. Being next to him was enough entertainment for you.

You looked over at him, hands comfortably resting behind his head, waiting for you to pick something. 

You passed the remote back to him by placing it on his stomach and found his open side too inviting for you not to want with all of your heart.

You rolled onto your side and scooted closer and closer until you put your head on the place between his armpit and shoulder. He didn’t stop you from laying on his chest. He turned the tv off making the room go dark before he let his arm fall around you and cradle you.

You laid in silence a moment.

“Tomorrow is going to be better.” He whispered but you were already drifting from the closeness and peace you felt for now. You took a deep breath in and held his scent in your nose for a moment so it would permanently brand into your brain.

“You smell so good.” You muttered already half asleep.

You heard yet another amused scoff come from him and felt the little laugh on his chest under your head.

“Go to bed.” He joked.

And you did, as you listened to his rhythmic heartbeat, beat after steady beat, unfailing and never letting you down. There was always another right after the last.

The quiet click of a door woke you. You could see sunlight flooding through your closed eyelids, you could feel the warmth in the bed and on your skin. As you laid there you could hear other little sounds, straining to be quiet but failing.

Your eyes opened and you were disoriented for a moment.

You sat up but realized the noises were coming from behind.

“Jungkook?” You sleepily let out as you winced at the bright light coming through the sheer curtains from behind the tv.

“I’m sorry if I woke you up.” You heard his apologetic voice. 

“No, it was just time to get up.” You grunted as you gave a stretch hard enough your bones cracked.

“Want some cereal?” 

You both casually sat in the bed eating. He had given you a massive bowl of cereal you felt obligated to finish. He was fully dressed while you sat there still in his pajamas.

“You want to stay again today?” He asked bluntly as his eyes focused on whatever anime he had turned on.

“I couldn’t Jungkook, you’ve been so kind and I just-“

“I don’t mind.” He shrugged and crunched up another bite.

“Why?” You decided to ask but he shrugged again.

“Having someone here is kind of fun. It’s like a sleepover I guess.” 

He was so childish in the oddest ways, it was kind of charming. You began to remember all of your thoughts from last night and thanked yourself for not trying too hard to make him uncomfortable. He pushed back his hair with his hands before taking another bite of the colorful cereal. He had the heart and empathy of an angel, even with the tattoos on his hands that he ate his kids’ cereal with.

“Then what are we doing today Kook?” You asked.

“You need clothes. Also, do you know how to skateboard?”

You felt those two things in the same breath were a bit odd but that was just him.

Before long, you found yourself in a cheap store grabbing whatever would fit you and you could wear in public and not feel too bad about it.

“Why’d you ask if I could skateboard?” You asked as he pulled out of the store parking lot. You had already gotten dressed in the bathroom and were ready for whatever weird thing he wanted to do.

“Do you?” 

“No.” You shook your head.

“Wanna learn?”

“Sure.” 

“I’m going to teach you how Yoongi taught me when I was sixteen.”

“How did he teach you?” 

“He taught me not to be scared.” Was his only reply, and you accepted it. You liked the element of surprise he added to everyday life, you liked how he didn’t take a lot too seriously. You admired that. Your life with Jin had always been work amongst jokes now and then but it hadn’t felt fun, even when you were both young. You felt like you could probably learn a lot from Jungkook.

“Let’s get some food first. It’s almost dinner time, are you hungry? You kept a while and all you’ve eaten today was cereal.” 

You paid for lunch. You got some fries you picked at between watching the wind blow through his hair as you ate outside at a little burger place. He stuffed his mouth full with every bite. A mess of tomatoes and condiments would drop from the burger and onto the wrapper in his lap.

“What’s something you’ve always wanted to do?” You asked him.

“Hmmm.” He thought with a mouthful. “Maybe live in a better house.” 

“That’s it?” You couldn’t help but laugh at the simplicity of what he desired.

“Yeah.” He smiled and wiped his mouth. “You?” 

“I wanted to live or at least visit somewhere warm. I was supposed to go on a trip to Hawaii with Jin, it was a surprise… I wanted to live there one day but he has to work here.” you felt yourself falling back into the heartbreak.

“You don’t need him to go to Hawaii. You could move there now if you wanted and no one could hold you back.” 

“Yeah.” You agreed but it sounded sad.

“You afraid of being alone?” He asked a question that hit you too hard. 

All of your adult life and even your teenage years all you knew was Seokjin, you had always had someone there, your parents or Jin, you had never really had to be alone or think of a future with only yourself until now.

“No.” You lied. There was a strange quiet.

“I’m sorry if that-“

“You should come with me to Hawaii.” You blurted out fully interrupting him.

“Do you want that?” He questioned as if you hadn’t thought it through, and you hadn’t but that didn’t mean you didn’t mean it.

“Yes. Do you?” You were so afraid of him saying no and you didn’t quite know why.

“It’s not like I don’t have anything I can just put on hold for… however long. It’ll be fun. I’d like that.” 

The conversation felt like something more to you somehow, like some secret agreement was just made.

“We should do this before it gets dark.” He commented “ready?” 

Your fries were cold and you had been just waiting on him to finish eating.

You took at the top of the street on a hill with him after walking a block from where he had parked and dragged a skateboard out of the backseat.

“This is where Yoongi taught me to skateboard, he pushed me down here.” He pointed to the steep road that luckily wasn’t too busy.

“And you’re going to push me down it? I’d kill you.” You crossed your arms disapprovingly.

“No, see, you’re going to push yourself down it. If you sit on the skateboard it will be easier and you probably won’t fall, it will be fun.”

“Your idea of fun gets crazier and crazier.” You pointed out.

“Sit, I’ll stay behind you.” 

“No, because it’s going to pick up speed faster than you can run as I’m going down the hill.” Your brain had already torn the scenario apart and your chances of getting hurt were probably around one hundred percent. Even though you knew that you sat down on the skateboard.

“Okay, now just look down, get a feel for it, take it in.” He instructed as you looked down at the steeply sloping road below.

“Jungkook this is dangerous.” You commented.

He stood behind you and wrapped his arms around you in kind of a hug.

“You’re okay, nothing bad is going to happen to you, alright? I’m right here.” He whispered and you nodded. “Close your eyes, keep them closed.” 

You did as he asked you could feel him wheeling you closer and closer. Put your feet down to stop you from going just yet. I’m going to let go, you’re going to count to ten and without opening your eyes, you’re going to push yourself. Stay as still as you can even if you’re scared. Only open them when I have you.”

Your breath shook, but you gave him confirmation.

“Count.” He said as he released you.

You slowly counted, the nerves in your stomach growing the higher each number got. You gripped the bottom of the board with both hands and when you got to ten you used your legs to push off before tucking them back onto the board.

You let out a scream as you felt the speed at which you were falling, you could feel tears in your squeezed closed eyes.

He caught you by the arm. It was all over before it had even started.

You were breathing heavily and clung to his jacket.

“You’re safe, you’re okay.” He assured you and helped you to your feet.

You were at the bottom of the hill and your heart was racing with your eyes still watering. 

“Are you crying?” He grinned.

“JUNGKOOK I COULD’VE DIED!” You slapped at his arm but he dodged it only making him laugh more at your annoyance.

“Look! You did that by yourself!” He commented with proudness.

“I could’ve died.” You repeated.

“But you didn’t.” He still wore a grin.

The sunset filtering through his dark hair, his laughter, and him trying to escape you chasing him by walking backward felt oddly beautiful. His skin looked a shade of golden like this.

You pulled on his jacket to pull him in, you thought about kissing him, everything in you told you to preserve this moment. Would he let you? Would he let you at least hold his hand again?  but instead, you wrapped your arms around him.

“Today is better, thank you.” You squeezed him. Your arms stayed around him for as long as his stay on your back. It was a while that you both just stood there hugging in the street like dumbasses.

“What do you want to do now?” He asked as he released you “you’ve put up with me all day so it’s your turn to pick.”

“Honestly,” you both began the trek back to his car. “I just want another drink.”

“Understandable. Let’s stay home and drink tonight, it will be easier.” He suggested.

“I would rather.” You agreed you interlocked your arm in his as you walked, and again he let you. You wondered for a moment why he was letting you be this close to him and touch him so much, but he never initiated it. You decided thinking about any of that was not for the best and you let it go.

You stopped at a liquor store and got more vodka and snacks than either of you would ever need for one night.

Before you started drinking you both took a turn having a shower and he started some laundry. Everything was so casual with the both of you, eating chips on the bed while he beat your ass at a fighting game three times in a row, he did let you win three times after that to make up for it. The loser had to take a shot and now you each had three.

“Last one. You’re going to win and I’m going to switch games.” You announced as you picked your character. 

“You don’t know if I’m going to win.” You could hear the smile in his voice. You knew it was either he won or he let you win, and he let you win yet again.

“Don’t be such a hero.” You laughed as he had to gulp down the fourth drink of vodka. His nose wrinkled at the taste.

“Let’s just play something both of us have an equal shot at winning. Since you’re good at video games it can’t be that.” You decided. You thought about what you could do that didn’t require much skill if any. You scooted closer to him on the mattress on the floor so you could face him, knee to knee.

“Got it. Hold up five fingers.” You told him and did the same.

“I know this game.” He said holding up five tattooed fingers.

“Good, loser takes three shots.” You made up the rules and he nodded in agreement. You scooted in closer and he faced you. You were going into dangerous territory with this and you knew it, but let it go under the guise of: this is just for fun.

“Put a finger down if you’ve ever gotten black out drunk.” You said and he put a finger down and you didn’t.

“Put a finger down if you’ve thrown up in public.” He said and neither of you put a finger down.

“Put a finger down if you’ve ever… eaten something off of someone’s body.” You watched as his finger stayed up but you put yours down.

“Are you trying to lose?” He laughed

“We’re even.” You pointed out.

“Not for long. Put a finger down if you’ve ever had public sex.”

You put a finger down.

“Put a finger down if… you’ve ever… let someone win in a game.” You laughed as you brought up earlier and he put a finger down.

“Put a finger down if… you’re y/n.” He grinned.

“You know what? Just give me the damn three shots, I forfeit.” You sighed knowing that it was time to play dirty in every sense of the word.

“I’ll take three with you.” He decided. Of course he would, he was the kindest man ever. You could’ve already guessed he would say that before he even did.

You took them together and only let yourself grimace after the last one.

“Again, I’ll start this time.” He announced, screwing the cap on the vodka. You could hear him slur his speech just a little.

You both held up five fingers once again.

“Put down a finger if you’ve ever had a pregnancy scare.”

Neither of you put down a finger, but the questions were beginning to get a bit more heavy. He seemed to have the same idea as you.

“You’ve ever had someone cum inside of you or came inside of someone without a condom.” You were stepping up your questions now but neither of you were putting fingers down.

“If anyone has ever gone down on you for more than thirty minutes.” He asked but again you both still had five fingers. “Wow, that really sucks for us.” He muttered.

“If you’ve ever had a thing for someone in your friends circle.” You announced. Slowly but surely you both put down a finger. Your drunk beau was ignoring the little voice in your head screaming at you to stop. Jungkook was your friend, a friend who might even have the same feelings as you did right now.

“If you’ve ever thought about kissing someone in your friend circle.” He asked and put a finger down and so did you. You felt like you were both edging towards the inevitable and dangerous with questions like this, but you couldn’t shut your mouth.

“If you’ve ever thought about fucking them.” Your own question made you swallow as you both put a third finger.

“If you’ve ever thought about what it would be like to be in a relationship with them.” He asked quietly. Your fourth fingers went down together.

There was only one left and it was your turn. You both knew now you were talking about each other, but it was hard to believe. You were scared it wasn’t you, maybe he was into guys too. You just had to ask, you had to.

Your eyes locked. You felt nervous. He looked nervous as he bit at his lip between those two front teeth you were becoming so fond of seeing when he smiled.

“Put a finger down if…” it was hard to speak, you had to swallow down the knot of nerves in your throat and take a deep breath before continuing “if the person we’re talking about is each other.”

His pointer finger curled down and so did yours.

 “For how long?” You asked.

“From the start.” He admitted. “But you’ve never felt that way.”

“I do now.” You leaned in. At least now you were sure how he felt, or at least you thought.

He stopped you by placing a hand on your arm.

“I don’t want it to be like this.” His voice was so quiet it was barely above a whisper.

You sat back and waited for him to explain.

“I don’t want it to be… I don’t want to be a rebound. I think friendship comes before feelings anyway and that’s why I did this. I don’t want to kiss you while we’re drunk, I don’t want you to regret anything.” 

“Oh.” You let out. 

“I can’t do this when you’re drunk and sad and trying to fill a void, that wouldn’t be okay of me to do. I want… I want more than that and you just got out of a relationship… or maybe you didn’t yet… but I can wait until it’s all over, I feel like that’s the right thing to do here.”

You sat there a moment as his drunk words registered in your brain. For just a second you wished you weren’t drunk so you could try to tell him how you were feeling but decided to give it your best shot anyway.

“I like you. I’m sorry I was so blinded by Jin all these years that I couldn’t see you liked me because if I hadn’t been maybe we both could’ve been better off. Maybe I could’ve had more days like this with you, hundreds more where we just do crazy things, where we could just sleep on a mattress on the floor and still feel happy and content with life. Jungkook if I would’ve known you felt this way and I would’ve known how life could be, at any point, then I’d probably be the one cheating. I want you. I want you and it’s not just because I’m afraid to be alone, you make me do things I never would’ve done. And your heart, your heart is made of pure gold. I want us both to just forget everything before now, everything we’ve been through, not because it hurts but because it just feels like it should’ve been us all along. And if you only knew how many times I’ve had to stop myself from kissing or touching you today when I was perfectly sober and perfectly happy…”

“I want that. I’ve wanted that.” He seemed like he was talking to himself more than you.

He was now the one leaning forward and your face got stuck in his pull.

Your lips met very gently and your eyes drifted closed so you could lose yourself in it.

His tongue wasn’t at all rough or demanding with yours, but it was needy.

You climbed into his lap and not a minute passed between that time and the time he was helping you fall backward, settling himself between your legs so effortlessly.

Your hands ran under his shirt slowly, creeping up until his shirt bunched prompting him to sit up and take it off.

You could feel him hard between your legs but there was so much fabric separating the both of you that it became frustrating to buck into him.

“I can’t fuck you.” He decided to your dismay. “But I just want to feel you.” 

You let him slide your shirt off so your bare chests were pressed together as mouths continued to move together in new ways every second, patternless unlike his heartbeat but exciting like the things he made you do.

He yanked the blankets up around you both and let himself grind into you slowly as you whimpered for more.

Your mouth went to his neck, sucking at his skin passionately and listening to the beautiful moans he made for you. You could’ve done this to him all night, just taste his skin and let his spit intermix with yours, but he decided to bite off even more.

His head sunk and he took a nipple in his mouth. The feeling went right to your throbbing and needy clit.

“Oh god fuck me.” You breathed “please just let me closer. I need more.” 

He pinched at your nipple softly between his teeth and you gripped his shoulder.

“I’m so wet, I don’t think one ever wanted anything mo-“

His mouth left your breast and yanked his pajama pants off of you and took off the ones he was wearing as you finished kicking off yours.

You were both down to your underwear now though you wished it was less.

While you weren’t going to force him to do anything he didn’t want to, it sure seemed like he wanted to do this.

You felt him reach into his underwear and adjust himself before rutting into you again with a groan.

Your hands freely moved across his skin, feeling goosebumps that had risen under your touch.

You knew that you were so wet at this point that it had to leak through the fabric of both yours and his underwear, you knew he felt it.

“Is there anything I’m allowed to do? Kook, you’re killing me.” You whined.

“I don’t have condoms.” He commented.

“I get a birth control shot but I understand if you don’t want to…” you trailed off.

“I don’t know what I want to do… I- but I think I have an idea. Let’s take the last of it off.” 

He seemed nervous as you both kicked off your remaining two pieces, and then you were bare for each other.

“You’re not a virgin right?” You asked from the way he was acting so nervously. 

“Oh. No, no. I- Uh I just feel like it’s wrong still... like I’m not supposed to. This can’t be happening.” He reached down between the both of you again.

“Nothing has to happen-“ 

“I’m so hard.” It was a whisper of a breathless whine that interrupted you. His knuckles brushed your folds and you realized he had his cock in his hand, pumping it slowly.

“Why the fuck are you so unbelievably hot?” Tumbled from your mind and fell from your mouth.

“You need to be seeing things from my view right now.” He looked over what parts of your body he could “dear god.” 

He finally released his cock and let it fall between your folds. He gave a thrust and felt the weight of his cock slide against your clit because of the wetness.

You didn’t expect him to shove his fingers into you, but that alone was enough to nearly make you cum from all the teasing he had put you through.

He pulled them out and held his sticky thoroughly coated fingers in the air.

“Oh my god.” He whispered quickly and shakily. 

You had never, ever been this wet in your life. You could hear the sound as he spread your juices and his pre-cum over his cock and brought it back to place it between your folds.

He came back down and every time he thrust how his slick cock rubbed your clit over and over.

Moans and whines escaped both of you but it just wasn’t enough for you to imagine him plowing into you, you needed to feel it.

“Oh god, I bet you would feel so fucking good inside of me. I’d cum for you so fast.”

You had earned a soft groan from him, he was losing it.

“I want to fuck you so badly. I want to cum all inside of you. Neither of us had ever done that before, can I?”

You felt him shift the head of his dick to your entrance.

“I will beg you, please do it.” you closed your eyes in a prayer that he actually would.

“Fuck.” he let out as he slipped into you, you took every last inch of him. 

He was already sweating and grunting before he had started thrusting, but after he started jackhammering into you, there was a new look and feel about him. His damp strands hung loosely, his nose crinkled as he hit his lip with the force he was putting into each thrust.

“I’m going to cum.” you announced not even a minute in.

He grabbed one of your legs, threw it over his shoulder, and was pushing hard. Your body bounced at the force, your head bumped the kitchen Island that was his headboard until he dragged your body animalistically lower on the bed.

“I wanna- I wanna hear you.” he panted. 

“Don’t stop- that- keep doing that,” you instructed. He was short on breath and a sweaty mess.

“Go on, I've got you. I've got you,” he assured you, keeping the pace of his hips the same.

Your orgasm crashed into you all at once like a semi-truck through a small building.

You felt like you had just gone down that hill again. Your heart was racing and you knew he was too.

You pulled him into your lips messily as your brain melted into a blissful spice and laundry scented puddle.

He mounded loudly against your lips as his body moved against yours.

“Coming.” He whispered his next few breaths were sharp, pumping into you a few more solid times, you could feel his cum spill into you as his sweaty forehead pressed into yours.

When his hips stilled, there was only the sound of rough breaths, he kept his eyes closed for a moment and swallowed hard.

“How-how was that?” He propped himself above you on shaky arms. In the dark you could see the beads of sweat that pulled on his face and neck, his chest rose and fell and still made no move to pull out of you.

“I-“ you tried to find even a single word for the experience you had just had. “I didn’t know it could be like that.”

He let out a strong huff of a laugh and grinned down at you with the biggest and sweetest eyes that looked to search your face.

“That was something.” He agreed but looked like he had something on his mind. 

He gave you a soft kiss on your lips before he finally pulled out and laid beside you, only to have the embarrassing feeling of his cum leaking from you and down your butt crack.

You jumped up, only making matters worse, cupping your crotch as you took off to the bathroom faster than he could ask any sort of questions.

As you cleaned yourself up you couldn’t believe everything that had happened between you two. you didn’t for a second regret it, the opposite.

As you walked out of the bathroom he was standing on the floor by the bed with only his pajama pants on, holding a bag of chips. He turned to you and laughed.

“We just had sex with the Mortal Kombat music.”

You stood there naked and you couldn’t help but laugh back.

That tender time you had just had together had just been spent jarring fight music and you didn’t even realize. That’s what he did to you. When you were with him the entire world and all of your problems fell away.

You put back on your pajamas, still laughing to yourself as you heard the music still play.

“Now every time I hear it I’ll think of you.” 

“Please don’t associate us having sex with that” you laid back down and he got into the bed with you. 

He fed you a chip and you thought that was pretty cute so you took him by the shirt and pulled him into your lips.

He pulled away for a moment.

“Round two, fight!” 

You laughed so hard at the stupid Mortal Kombat joke that you snorted and he found that pretty amusing. A tickle fight broke out and of course, he got you pinned and of course, you couldn’t help but kiss him again.

A knock at the door interrupted you both making him stiffen and both of your heads turn in the direction of the door.

“What do I do?” You mouthed to him he climbed off of you and sat up.

“Who is it?” He called out.

“Jimin.” The answer came from the other side of the door.

You grimaced at each other and decided to jump up and go hide in his closet. You tucked yourself in between his few shirts and hanging pants and closed the door.

You could hear Jungkook walk to the door and open it. There were now two sets of footprints inside the apartment.

“You weren’t answering any texts and I got worried about you.” You heard Jimin's voice clearly.

“Been busy.” You think Jungkook muttered.

“Looks like it,” Jimin replied with obvious sarcasm. You wondered if it was all the snacks and alcohol on the floor, the video games left on, or the marks that decorated Jungkook’s neck that made him say that.

“You hear about what happened with Jin and y/n the other night at the bar?” Jimin asked and waited a moment “I guess he cheated on her, you were right this whole time about it.”

“It sucks she had to go through all of that. How’s she holding up?” Jungkook was playing dumb.

“I don't know, I haven't talked to her. It's Jin’s business, not mine.” 

That hurt you. You had always thought of you and Jimin as pretty close friends.

“Plus I heard she disappeared anyway. Jin is speculating she took off to Hawaii on her own. Namjoon told me he told the police everything this morning wanting to file a missing person report. He thought it was suspicious she just left all of her stuff, but the police said she hadn’t been gone long enough and they had an argument and probably just wanted to be away from him.”

“Do you think she’s okay?” Jungkook seemed genuinely concerned even though you were right in his closet.

“I don’t know. Yoongi was a little worried she got kidnapped at the bar after she stormed out. I don’t think anyone is looking for her though, I think she just wanted to get away. Also, you kind of disappeared that night at the bar too, didn’t you?” 

Oh shit. Was Jimin putting it all together? 

“I took someone to my place and she stayed a few nights. I don’t think I was there when all of this went down.” Jungkook’s alibi seemed solid, you hadn’t even seen him in the bar when you had gotten there.

“Well, I just wanted to stop by and check in on you.” 

“Thank you.” Jungkook’s reply sounded sincere.

“You should probably clean up a little, maybe get a real bed, it just looks kind of… sad.”

Jimin didn’t sound concerned, he sounded almost mean about it to you.

“Noted. Will do. Thanks for stopping by man.” Jungkook continued to be kind to him until he left.

You stepped out of the closet dumbfounded as Jungkook said nothing about the way Jimin had treated him or nearly accused him. He just got back into bed seemingly unphased. You followed after and just laid there for a moment thinking about times when they had all been mean to him at least once.

“Please don’t let them do that to you.” You asked.

“Hm? Oh. Yeah. That’s just what it’s like being the youngest. I’m used to them looking down on me.” 

“it doesn’t have to be that way.” 

“Why not?” He seemed genuinely interested in what you were saying because he rolled onto his side to face you.

You rolled onto yours to face him in the dark. Hair was in his face but he was looking at you with those big brown eyes.

“It can be you and me against the world if you wanted. If one of our skateboards went flying down a hill, we would be there to catch the other before they got hurt. Do you want to do that with me?” You couldn’t believe you had the guts to ask that but what you couldn’t believe even more was his reply.

“I want to do that with you. Let’s do that. I haven’t let you fall and get hurt yet, have I?” He grinned.

Little did he know that you already had fallen.

You brought your hand up to his face before scooting closer and placing your forehead against his

“Promise me you won’t let me fall.” You whispered.

“I promise.” His answer was instantaneous.

“Then I won’t let you either. Well just protect each other.” 

“Deal.” He replied before connecting your lips. 

As you kissed him you wondered if he felt the same about you as you did him already. He had to know that you were so scared, so terrified of being hurt again and that’s why you wanted to make this deal.

His hand slid down your body and back up causing your shirt to bunch. His warm hand made its way back down your skin again and just as it snaked into the band of his pajama pants you were wearing, a loud hum startled you both.

You were confused for a moment as the room grew slightly brighter.

Your phone was ringing on the wood floor.

You sat up, squinting your eyes as you picked up the phone and looked at the screen that was far too bright.

“Jin.” Your voice wasn’t at all cheerful.

“Are you going to answ-“ Jungkook’s sentence was cut off by the sound of you turning off your phone and putting it back down. 

“I can’t, I just… I don’t want to talk to him right now, I don’t want to feel that right now again… if ever. I saw what I saw and there’s no way he can convince me that I didn't see it or that you didn't too, we have photos. I'm not sure that I really ever want to talk to him again. I feel so… differently about him now and I don’t think there's any repairing that.”

He sat up, picked up his phone from his side, and turned it off too before you both laid back down.

“Good night kook.” You announced with Jin’s call not leaving you feeling right but not wanting to think about it right now.

“Night.” He replied as he pulled you against his body.

Although you tried to refuse your brain the opportunity of letting the thought of Jin right now entirely wreck your time with Jungkook, it was hard. You thought of all the restless nights when you stayed up working as an excuse to wait for Jin to get home from going out or working late. There were rarely nights like this where you could curl up against him, looking back on it there were no nights that you felt as cared about as you did now. A thought stuck to you, one you decided to think more on the next day. Did this all happen for a reason? For both of you? Would all of the suffering you’ve both been through in your relationships be worth it now?.

You felt something soft and warm on your head. A kiss.

“Morning.” you felt a delicate breath of his whisper on your face.

“Morning.” You muttered. Your eyes stayed closed as you reached out for him and pulled him into you. He let out a quiet laugh as he let you drag him onto you as if he were your teddy bear.

“I’ve been awake a while, I went to the store in my pajamas and I thought you’d be awake by the time I got back.”

“But I wasn’t so you woke me up instead?” 

You felt his hands run up your sides and lift your shirt until the hem and bunched fabric sat under your breasts.

“I missed you.” 

“You missed me?” you couldn't help but smile before it was quickly wiped away by him crawling back a little and kissing the skin above your belly button.

“Mmm.” he hummed an answer before kissing just a bit lower.

“Remember the thing that we both never had?” you looked down to see his big brown eyes look up at you through a mess of dark hair.

It took you a moment with your still sleep fogged brain to realize what he was talking about.

“Hey Siri, set a timer for thirty minutes,”

The robotic voice replied it’s confirmation on his phone, but he was already yanking down your pants and you were lifting your butt so he could get them off.

He gently pushed your legs apart and laid on his stomach between them, starting to run very agonizingly slow kisses up your thigh. With every small warm kiss that felt just too close or every warm breath you felt of his, a tingle of anticipation went through your body. 

“I just keep thinking,” he placed another kiss on your thigh so close you felt his cheek brush against where you needed his mouth the most before he teasingly moved into the other leg “about how I have you right here” another slow kiss “after wanting you for so, so long.” 

His words hit you hard and you knew they were making you wetter. You had never been dirty talked so sweetly before, hell, it wasn’t even dirty yet here you were soaking wet and more than ready for whatever he wanted to do to you just minutes after waking up.

“God only knows” his lips touched your slit now and it was almost too much to bear “how many times I've imagined this.” his tongue dipped into your folds and licked from bottom to top, you moaned a little too loudly and jerked slightly as his wet muscle touched your clit.

You were so ready but his lips went back to your thigh. You said nothing as he repeated this pattern once and then twice, you began to more than look forward to when his tongue would meet your clit again, after the third time you swore you could cum on the next one, he was driving you insane with his teasing pattern, you felt like he was never going to let you have what you wanted.

“Jungkook please!” you nearly yelled as he once again went back to your thigh to start over. He froze, looked up at you through all of that hair with raised eyebrows, and gave you a smile of amusement.

“If you don't stop and just get on with it already then you'll see what I do to you.” you threatened.

“Maybe I'd like to find out.” he retorted.

“Get on with it!” you wailed loudly as you gave him a half pleading glare.

“Make. Me.” he looked you dead in the eyes as he spoke. It was enough to send a feeling that felt like electricity trickling through you. You started to get up to take control but he pulled your hips flat back to the bed with a delighted smile.

“Seriously?” you laughed.

“What are you gonna do?” 

You were growing more sexually frustrated with him by the second.

“Just wait.” you threatened again.

He bent his head down and kissed the folds over your clit. You took the opportunity to place your hand on his head and not let him up.

You felt him give a little laugh before he finally went to work licking and sucking at your bundle of nerves as your fingers twisted in his hair. A few moments later you felt his fingers slip into your wet cunt and press upwards, giving you everything you wanted all at once.

It hit you all at once, your orgasm shot through you. You muttered his name as you gripped his hair tighter and felt him moan into you making the pleasure feel that much better. Even though you had already cum, it was clear he wasn’t about to stop, his fingers and mouth were working you so passionately and quickly. You were so sensitive your legs twitched every time his mouth did something too rough with you, but it just felt so good. 

You looked down at him between your legs as you felt yourself building up again and watched his eyes shut and his head moving between your legs. You don’t know how or why you found it as hot as you did, but it was enough to make you cum again just as the timer on his phone went off.

“Fuck fuck fuck” you breathed as a blissful feeling washed over you like an oven wave

He looked up at you and as soon as he was sure you were done, he stopped. He went to wipe his mouth on the back of his arm when you demanded he take his pants off.

He looked at you with raised eyebrows and a little surprise.

“Tell it to set a timer for thirty minutes.” 

“I-oh-okay. You don’t need to do that if you-“

“Do it.” You demanded once more as you took off your shirt.

“Hey Siri, set a timer for thirty minutes.” He said as he shed himself of his pajamas and sat up.

A thought had crossed your mind to tease him as he had you, but you couldn’t do that. You loved the look of it thick and veiny, the head of it already leaking from everything he had just done to you. You wanted the feeling of it filling your mouth and throat, you wanted to please him.

You watched as his already hard cock stood tall waiting for you to touch it, and you wasted no time doing so. You leaned down only playing with the head in your mouth with your tongue at first, getting a feel for the satisfaction of him inside of your mouth. He gasped when you took him all abruptly into the back of your throat. You decided immediately that you wanted to hear more of that sound so you let your head bob before your hand joined in at his shaft to help. You didn’t start slow whatsoever. You were set on making him cum faster and harder than he ever had before, throwing out the idea of time altogether. 

He sat back on his hands to hold himself up but those began to shake too the faster you went. Spit ran down onto his balls and you thought about playing with them but you felt like that might tip him over the edge. 

He was full of open-mouth moans, ones you wouldn’t mind hearing the rest of your life to the body and cock and personality of a man you wouldn’t mind having the rest of your life.

Just as you thought about it you shut the thought down and concentrated on making him feel better.

“God, you’re so beautiful.” You made out from his moans.

You kept going and felt his hips thrust up into your face in tandem with your movements. He was close, unbelievably, but for some reason, he was hanging on. Only a moment later you found out why.

“Fuck me. I bought condoms this morning, fuck me. Please I’m begging you.”

You pulled your mouth off of his cock with a lewd noise and looked at him but he was already standing up, dick as hard as a statue to crinkle a plastic bag on the island beside you both. 

“I’m deathly scared of having children when living in a place so small and with no job…”

“Thank you.” You didn't know what else to say as you watched him rip off a packet, come back to his knees, and roll the condom onto himself. 

“But then again if I did… wouldn’t that just fuck with Jin knowing I got you pregnant?” He lifted a brow.

Something about that turned you into a complete animal. You kept onto his lap and clung to him. Your lips smashed into his as you reached between the both of you and guided his dick into your hole. 

He felt just as good and filling inside of your pussy as he did your mouth. No one has ever filled you up this well, no one had ever wanted you so much.

He thrust upwards with you on his lap. You were practically a rag doll under the grip he had on your hips.

You began to rock your hips to the steady and slow way his hands commanded them.

“Ahh god.” He moaned as he let his head fall onto your shoulder and you wrapped your arms wrap around his shoulders so that your bodies pressed together.

“I love you.” He placed a kiss on your shoulder blade and whispered into your sweat sticky skin.

Your heart stopped but your hips didn’t.

He said it. It had taken him only three days. You recalled it had taken Seokjin six months and fifteen days exactly to say what Jungkook had in only three. The both of you had figured it out in only three days.

“I love you too.” You raced to say. 

His lips caught yours as he pressed you down onto his cock hard and rolled his hips under you with a grunt.

“These have been the best days of my life with you and I want to keep it that way. I want them all to be the best.” He was out of breath, his eyes were closed and his forehead rested against yours.

“Please.” You begged for the same. “Let’s move away and just be together.”

He let out a small laugh before he smiled.

“Is this gross? This is so weird, it’s only been three days.”

“I’ve never been happier.” You stated a fact. You had thought about it and thought about it non-stop. It wasn’t just attraction, lust, or infatuation you felt for him, this ran deep, deep into his personality, deep into the way he thought and did things. Far deeper than his cock that was buried inside of you right now.

“I bet I could make you happier.” He tried to hide a prideful smile.

“Oh yeah? How so?” You couldn’t help but smile back.

“I could make you cum again.”

Before you could answer he was giving you a quick kiss before practically tossing you off of him with a grin.

He grabbed your hips and flipped you over so that you were on all fours. The tingle that you got down your spine from this gesture was unbelievable.

“Hurry up and fuck me.” You demanded but he shushed you as you felt him press into your cunt.

He had only been not inside of you for a moment but your body had missed the feeling.

You gasped as you felt his grips tighten on your hips and pull your body backward onto him. He went full speed, full force slamming into you. His balls slapped against you. You were already so sensitive, so sore and tired, but you continued to want more.

“Has Jin ever fucked you like this?” 

You had never heard his voice so rough, so teasing, so devilish. You were about to lose it.

“No.” You whined.

“Who does this pussy belong to? Who’s the only person to ever cum inside of you?”

Your arms were shaking, struggling to hold yourself up. Your mouth was slightly open and your brain was so lost that you struggled for even the most simple reply.

“You.” Managed to move from your brain to your lips.

You felt his hand reach around to your clit and begin to rub fast and hard circles. It didn’t take long after that for your brain to shut down, to make way for the orgasm that blew through you like a car explosion. Your arms gave out and your face ended up on the mattress while your ass stayed in the air for him. You felt like you had melted as his dirty talk became mutters and moans. You felt his cock get harder inside of you and spill warm liquid into the condom. 

“I’ve-“ he panted from behind you with his hips now still “I’ve never had sex that good- besides- besides yesterday.”

You’d agree, but you were still a puddle with your cheek pressed into the sheets until you let yourself plop on your side after he pulled out. You felt so high. You laid there for a moment as he took off to the bathroom. He was in there a while, so you decided to get dressed in your clean clothes that he had washed last night that resided in his closet.

You were in disbelief, your hands were shaking as you pulled on the clothes.

Did he mean it?

It had only been three days since he held you in that parking lot as you cried. You remembered the hurt you felt when Jin had seen Jin cheat on you. It was the kind of hurt that left a scar on your soul. You were afraid.

Jungkook was so beautiful and so kind and you had fallen hard, too hard. You didn’t even know anything about his family or where he grew up or if he had ever had any pets or his favorite color.

Your mind was spinning, you were freaking out.

You slipped your shoes by the door on and began unlocking it.

“What are you doing?” 

His voice stopped you for a moment.

You thought about lying. You couldn’t lie, but you sure as hell couldn’t face him.

“I-I think I should go.” You stammered.

“Can we talk? Was it something I said?” 

You could hear his footsteps slowly come closer as if he was trying to approach a scared baby deer to keep it from darting away, and that’s exactly what you felt you were.

“What was it I said? The Jin stuff or the I love you?” 

You could tell his brain was doing whatever it could to piece together why you were leaving.

Just hearing him say the words again shredded you apart.

You felt your eyes welling up.

“Hey, hey look at me, please.” His voice was gentle and now coming from behind you. You couldn’t ignore him, not when he sounded so sweet. You faced him and his eyes scanned over the tears slipping down your cheeks.

“If you didn’t mean it that’s okay, you don’t have to right now. I won’t say it again if-“

“I did mean it.” Your lip quivered “I’m just so scared.”

You watched as his eyebrows furrowed at your words while waiting for you to explain.

“I was just hurt and…”

“If you don’t want to do this-I-I knew going into this that you were hurt, and trying to heal and a relationship might be too much for you while… it was selfish of me to-”

you cut him off by shaking your head.

“no.” you sniffled “I want you, I'm just afraid of being hurt. If I was hurt this badly by Jin, I can't even imagine how badly you could hurt me.” 

His big eyes stared with crinkled brows at you for a moment until he wrapped his arms around you.

“I swear I will never ever hurt you. I will never do what he did to you. Never.” 

Your teary cheek pressed into his neck as you breathed in his calming scent. “I'm so scared of being hurt too, I know how you're feeling. I thought you would end up going back to him and I would lose you. So many things that could make you not want me and so many ways this could go wrong keep running through my head. Please remember what you said, we're here now for each other, it's us against the world. Please please please don't leave me.”

You felt his cheek rest on the top of your head.

“I won't. I'm so sorry. I don't know what I was thinking, I'm so sorry.” you sniffled with guilt and let your arms snake around his torso.

His form was becoming so familiar to you now, his scent already smelled of home, perhaps it did from the moment you had first let him hold you. Perhaps you were all his from that very moment in the parking lot, perhaps you both belonged to each other all along and just didn't know.

“I love you,” you spoke the words first this time, you felt no fear about it.

“I love you too, so much.” his hands slowly rubbed your back as you felt him kiss the top of your head.

You closed your eyes and took it all in, just you and him. You wished at that moment that you could go back and do it over. You would've picked him over anything else, and you knew you'd be so happy if you would've.

“Thank you for not letting me go.” you pulled back and looked into his eyes. “I could've really messed up just now.” 

He gave you a heartfelt smile.

“I hope you would've come back, I’d miss you a lot until you did. We're supposed to be together, you know.” he raised an eyebrow at you.

“Oh yeah?” you couldn't help the smile that spread on your face.

“Mhmm. I have proof.” he lifted a hand and held it up fingers spread. “Give me your hand”

You thread your fingers through his and he let your held hands fall at your sides.

“Now close your eyes.”

You did just as he instructed and felt his forehead rest against his.

You had just had sex but any time you were this close to him made your heart pound so hard. It was as if he had unintentionally trained your body to do this for him.

“Do you feel it?” he whispered “Do you feel that feeling in the pit of your stomach telling you that you'll never love this hard again?”

You had. You had and that's what has scared you so much.

“I do,” you whispered back.

“And can you see it? I can. I can see us moving together to the place you've always dreamed of. You'll get mad at me for being so messy but I’ll just admire you even if you're yelling at me.” 

You felt another small smile on your face as you imagined his words.

“I'll still love you even if I'm upset at you for being messy.” you let out a small breath of laughter.

“I know you will. We'll love each other no matter what because we'll be good to each other, we'll always be there to catch each other. You have absolutely nothing to worry about. Please believe me. I'm yours.”

You felt him kiss your cheek softly and you have him a nod.

Your soul felt so at ease. He had calmed your pain once again.

“If you're losing your mind in here we could just go for a walk you know.” he chuckled.

“Let's do that.” you agreed to it, knowing that he was about to take you out on another adventure.

You laid in his lap and looked up at his jawline. He was playing a video game, but it was fine with you as long as you got this view. He would occasionally run his fingers through your hair or readjust the flower in it that he had picked and stuck in it during your walk earlier.

Sunset was pouring through the sheer curtains making his skin look so golden. You loved the way he looked at this hour, his appearance matched his heart. You felt so warm and loved even when he wasn’t directly giving you his attention. Jungkook’s cup was always overflowing for you when you were used to only a cup half full. You, yourself, had always offered a full cup, but you never got the love you had given back.

“Do you think we’ve earned each other?” you asked as you looked up feeling the urge to kiss every piece of his jaw.

He paused his game and looked down at you.

“I do. I think we're very deserving of one another… Well, I have thought you were always too good for me, but we're both deserving of the love for each other.”

“You thought I was too good for you?” you broke out into laughter. 

“Don't laugh, I still think that.” he was serious.

“Nooooo no no no.” you shook your head. “Why would you think that?”

He shrugged.

“Well don't think that.” you sat up.

“Sometimes it's hard not to, look at me, I'm jobless right now and you're self-made. I live in a gutter with a mattress on the floor and you-”

You shut him up by pressing your lips to his and bringing your hand up to his cheek.

“I don't care about any of that,” you told him.

“I'm going to make sure we live a good life.” 

“I'm pretty happy with you fucking me on this mattress on the floor and we can live the rest of our lives this way, I don't care.” you had to drive the point home for him. Having a good life for you wasn't about what he had to offer, but the beautiful way he lived it, you didn't want that to change.

He crashed his lips into yours now and sent you backward. Your tongues met and lashed together and suddenly your hands were all over each other.

“I love you,” he mumbled into your lips as you tried to peel his shirt off.

“I love you too,” you replied as his hands pushed up your t-shirt and bra.

His lips went right for your nipples and the feel of his tongue and teeth mixing on the nerves made you arch your back into his mouth. You were once again getting high on him.

“I want you to fuck me and cum inside of me.” your mouth spouted off.

He moaned against your breast and you swear you felt his body shiver.

His mouth popped off of your nipple leaving it cold and wet.

“Fucking marry me,” he demanded before his mouth went to the other one.

At that moment you would. You wanted that, it sounded beautiful to you.

“Please. Let's do it. You want kids?” 

“Mhmm,” he replied as his teeth tugged at your perfect bud. 

“Fuck let's have kids.” 

He sat up between your legs and began undoing his belt.

You knew there was no way right now, you were on birth control but something about saying it all and imagining the perfect life was really doing it for you right now.

He tugged his pants off only leaving him I'm his underwear before undoing yours and pulling everything down just enough to get his hand in.

His fingers ran over your already slick folds.

“I'm going to do this to you every damn day of my life.”

A knocking made you both freeze.

“Don’t answer it,” you whispered, pulling him into you so you can connect lips again. 

For a moment you both did ignore the knocking until it turned to banging.

“Open the fucking door Jungkook!”

It was Jin. You had never heard him so angry.

“Shit fuck no.” you whispered as you both jumped up and pulled at your clothes so they seemed normal “he knows. How does he fucking know?” you whisper yelled in panic.

“He might not. It's okay, it's going to be okay.” 

“Maybe you should call the police.” you tried to get Jungkook to hear you over the pounding at the door.

“I'll step outside and talk to him. It will be okay.” even looking as scared as he did he was still trying to make you feel okay.

You slipped back into the closet but this time you left the door slightly open and peered through the crack.

You watched as Jungkook answered the door, went to step outside but Jin pushed him back.

“Where the fuck is she?” it hadn't taken long for Jin’s eyes to examine the room.

“Who?” Jungkook was once again playing stupid.

“What the fuck is all of this?” Jin nearly yelled, pointing to the condom wrapper still on the floor and the places on Jungkook’s neck. “I know for a fact your girlfriend flew home just last week.” 

“I don't have a girlfriend anymore, Jin.” you could hear the agitation in Jungkook’s words through his clenched jaw.

“Then explain.”

“I don’t have to.” 

“No? Well, I talked to her and she said she hasn’t heard from you in three days, just like the rest of us have both with y/n and you.”

Your heart felt like it had dropped into your stomach as you now stood there frozen.

“I saw you taking photos, you didn't even try to help get the girl off of me, you just took photos. I know you sent them to her. I know what you've been telling all of the others. I know this was a setup. I know you've always been jealous of me.”

“Jin, do you know how insane you sound right now? You need to-”

“YOU KNOW I’D NEVER CHEAT ON HER, I NEVER HAVE!” Jin yelled, “So why were you taking photos?”

“Jin, I saw you kissing the other girl.” Jungkook’s voice stayed calm.

“I didn't want it, she had me pinned, Namjoon had to come to help me. Everyone has told me you've been telling them this isn't the first time I’ve supposedly done this either, explain that!”

“Look Jin, you're the cheater here! Don't come to my house and start accusing me of shit!” Jungkook finally snapped.

“YOU’RE AN INSANE MONSTER, JUNGKOOK! WHERE IS SHE?” Jin screamed as loudly as he could.

“I DON'T KNOW.” 

You noted how easily lying came to Jungkook.

“You know! You know because you set this up, you're a fucking stalker and I've always done my best to protect her from you. You gonna tell her how I caught you following her to her classes in college when you didn't even go there? Or how Hobi found a picture you somehow had of her in your room at your parent’s house? Where is she so I can tell her, I will tell her everything.” Jin was seething in anger with his fists tightly gripped into fists at his side.

You still didn't step out of the closet.

“Fine! Fucking fine! You want me to tell you that I fucked her? I fucked her multiple times! I came inside of her, she told me she loved me. Is that what you wanted to hear?” 

“You're sick.” Jin growled. 

“At least I'm not a cheater.” Jungkook struck right back with his words.

“You ARE! And you're a fucking obsessed freak. I swear if you ever talk to me or any of our friends again I'll kill you!” tears ran down his cheeks.

“You're the one that's fucking insane, Jin.”

Upon hearing Jungkook’s words, Jin dove at him but only managed to push him back a little.

Seokjin was sobbing, he gave up and took off out the door.

As Jungkook closed and locked the front door things were silent.

You still stood in the closet and now felt warm liquid blurring your vision and spilling from your eyes. Your body was shaking.

He opened the closet, taking you by the arm and gently pulling you out.

You covered your mouth to try to keep the break down in.

“I can explain.” 

He didn't deny it, not any of it.

“What's true? You said you wouldn't hurt me so just tell me.” you forced even your shaking voice out.

“Listen, I've never- I haven't felt the way I feel about you with anyone before, and I…”

“Oh my God.” you said as your knees now shook “It’s all true, isn't it? Oh my fucking God.” 

“I-” he went to speak but your body had gone into fight or flight and you walked past him. Your body was trying to protect you by gathering your things, but it felt too late for it to kick in.

“I love you, I always have. I can text her right now and dump her.” he was following you around.

His voice felt so distorted as you felt so out of your own body.

“You haven't yet?!” you snapped at him. “At the very least you could have already done that. If you actually did love me you wouldn't have done all of this! What the fuck is up with the talking anyway?!”

“Please don't leave me, please, I'm begging you. I meant everything I said.” he began to cry now too.

“I didn't!” you were hurting and you wanted him to hurt worse. “I was only fucking you to make myself feel better about Jin! You set this up! You ruined my relationship and hurt me! You're a fucking freak! I never want to see you again!” 

You marched to the door, very aware he had crumpled onto the floor in hard sobs behind you.

You walked, you simply just walked in the chilly night, still crying, your things under your arm. The worst part is that you did love him, you had meant everything you said to him too, but he had planned all of this. You no longer thought of him as golden, but fools gold.

You had no idea how long you had been walking, but you decided to sit down on the side of a curb.

Your hands shakily turned on your phone and texts and missed calls flooded through but you ignored them.

The first thing you did was block everyone's number. You were done, it was over, you never wanted to do any of this ever again.

The next thing you did was book a one-way plane ticket to Hawaii. 

You deserved to be happy, even if, for the first time, it was only you. Your cup had always been full of loving others, but never did you think until now that that cup could be full for only you. You wouldn't ever let anyone take from your cup ever again. What filled your cup was genuine, it was gold while all the rest held only water. 

“Tomorrow is going to be better.” you told yourself.

You weren't happy now, but you knew you would be. You could take yourself on adventures every day, you could put flowers in your own hair, and if you fell down a hill at full speed, you could catch yourself. You promised that you'd never let yourself fall ever again.

[sunnyville36]

Put it on me

Requested from anon

Pairing: Lee Felix x fem reader

Themes/warnings: idol!verse Felix, light angst/argument, make-up sex, oral sex (f receiving), unprotected sex (stay safe out there folks!), slightly rough sex

Word count: 1.6k

As always, happy to hear your thoughts, and thank you for reading!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You’re staring at the half eaten meal on your plate when you hear the door open.

You and Felix have barely had 2 seconds to spend with each other the past few weeks with Stray Kids working on their upcoming comeback, so you thought you would surprise him by making your signature chicken carbonara that he’s been dying to try.  You had texted him earlier to tell him your plans and he had sounded super excited.  He mentioned dance practice might run long, but told you he would come straight over to your place when it ended to spend some time with you.  So you put his portion in the oven to keep it warm and waited for a text saying he was on his way, but it had been over 3 hours since their practice should have ended and you hadn’t heard anything from him.

Your boyfriend comes around the corner into the kitchen, and you can immediately tell he’s not in a good mood, but you hope some food might lift his spirits.

“Hey Lixie,” you say, standing up and crossing the short space to give him a quick hug.

He wraps his arms loosely around you, trying to keep his sweat-stained tank top from ruining your shirt.  “Hi Y/n.”

“How was practice?”

“Fucking exhausting,” he sighs, plopping down in a seat at the table and letting his head fall into his hands.

“I can only imagine,” you respond, making your way over to the oven.  “Maybe something to eat will make you feel better?”

“Oh, I-I’m not hungry, baby.”

You turn back to him, see his head is still in his hands.  He’s trying too hard not to interact with you, and you feel like something’s up.

“After that insanely long practice?  You must be.”

“I uh… I ate with the boys.”

You feel a knot twist in your stomach, but try not to jump to conclusions.  “Lix, dinner must have been hours ago by now; come on you should eat something, I kept your pasta in the oven - “

“I just came from eating,” he interrupts, looking anywhere but the spot where you’re standing with one hand on the oven door.

“You what?” you ask, voice quiet.

“After practice ended, we all went up the street to that 24-hour ramen place.”

His head is bowed, eyes looking at his lap, and you can tell he’s feeling guilty.  And you know it’s petty, and you should really just brush it off and move on, but you find yourself feeling more hurt than you thought you would.

“But I… we said we were going to spend some time together tonight, and I made this special just for you…” you trail off, trying hard to stem the tiny drops of tears threatening to spill down your cheeks.

“I know but - look, the members were at each other’s throats all night and it was such a tough session and I didn’t wanna just bail on them when Chan suggested we all grab food to sort it out - “

“So you decided to bail on me instead?” you scoff, anger rising in your chest.

“No, it wasn’t like that, I’m still here aren’t I?”

“You could have at least texted me about the change of plans.  I’ve been waiting here for hours thinking you’d walk in the door any minute when you might not have even shown up at all!”

“Well I’m sorry my life doesn’t revolve around how you spend your time sitting around!” he snaps back, throwing up his hands in an annoyed shrug.

“Right.  Because all I do with my time is sit around pining after you.  You know, this was one of the only free times for me too, and now it’s wasted.”

The air is tense between the two of you.  You’re rapidly moving towards a full blown fight, and this is far from how you wanted your evening to go.

“So I’ll just go then, if your precious plans are ruined,” Felix mumbles, standing to grab his jacket from the hook by the door.

In all honesty, it’d be better if you let him leave, give the both of you time to cool down.  But you’re too upset to think rationally, and all you can see is him not even caring enough to stay despite your disagreement.

“So you’d rather walk away than talk about this?”

He turns back, fists balling at his sides.  “We’re not talking, you’re just yelling at me, and I didn’t even do anything!”

“It’s not what you do; it’s what you don’t do.  You never even want to spend time with me anymore!  I feel like you only want me around when it’s convenient for you!” you shout, voice wavering.

Something shifts in his eyes then, as he stares at you from across the room.  He looks hurt, offended almost, more angry about what you just said than at any previous point in your argument.

“That’s not true.”

“Really?” you press, enthralled by his aura, his usual lighthearted demeanor being replaced with one oozing with dominance.  With desire.

“Of course I want to be with you.  Always,” he says, voice low.  Assertive.  Sexy.

“Then prove it.”

He’s on you in a matter of seconds, hands grabbing your face and lips crashing against yours.  Your own hands find themselves on either side of his slim waist, still sticky from sweat and exertion.  He pushes you up against the counter, melding your bodies impossibly closer as his tongue slips into your mouth.  The kiss is messy, filthy, nothing like the two of you normally do during your lazy makeout sessions.  His leg is slotted between both of yours, and the tensing of his thigh against your core as he moves to lean over you makes you heady with want.

Suddenly, you’re turned around in his hold, your back flush to his front, hiding nothing from you as you feel the hardness in his pants growing against your ass.  He’s frenzied, his normally delicate touches replaced with rough grabs, one hand sliding up to cup your breast, the other dipping below the hem of your skirt to run along the damp folds of your panties.  He brings his lips to your ear, his words sending a shiver down your spine.

“Want me to show you what I never get tired of tasting?”

“Mmhmm,” you whimper, letting him half-drag, half-carry you over to the living room and ease you onto the couch, the first gentle touch from him since this whole thing began.  That turns out to be short lived, as the next thing you know he’s on his knees in front of you, flinging your legs apart and waiting for your almost imperceptible nod before moving your panties to the side and bringing his mouth to you.

He devours your pussy, licking up and down your center and sucking on your clit.  You moan his name, and you can feel him smile against you as he focuses his tongue on teasing your clit with little kitten licks while ramming two of his fingers inside you.  Normally it takes you begging to get him to be this rough with you, but something about your fight must have got him really riled up, and you weren’t about to complain.

After bringing you to the brink of your high a few times but never quite enough to send you over, he lifts his head from between your legs, mouth dripping with your essence, and moves behind you on the couch, gently positioning you on your hands and knees.  He leans his whole body over yours, again whispering his question in your ear.

“Can I fuck you like this?”

You rarely do it from behind, but every time you have you’ve loved it, so you nod your head eagerly, letting out a breathy “yes.”

He’s ready as soon as you say so, pushing into you with such force you jolt forward slightly, your laughter-tinged gasp giving him a sign of just how much you enjoy it.

“Oh, you like that, don’t you, kitten?” he purrs, lifting you up off your arms so your torso rests on his chest.

“Yes… fuck... Felix, please more.”

He draws out then pushes back in, picking up the pace each time.  Soon he’s pounding into you, his left arm supporting your hip and his right arm wrapped loosely around your neck as you lean against him.  The way his cock is angled is causing him to hit you perfectly each time, and you’re moaning his name again as you feel his quick hot breaths next to your ear.

“You promise to never doubt how much I want you?” he growls out, voice strained from the effort not to release just yet.

“Yes, yes, Felix I promise, please let me cum, please.”

“Let go for me baby.”

You reach your peak at the same time, his groan in sync with your high pitched scream.

When you’re both aware enough to speak again, Felix pulls you down to sit between his legs, leaning you against his chest.

“You were right,” he starts, voice sincere, “about - about earlier.  I’m sorry I didn’t tell you where I was all that time and I’m sorry for leaving you alone when I promised we’d spend the evening together.”

You look up at him, wanting to apologize as well.  “I’m sorry about what I said.  I know you’re not intentionally neglecting me.  I’ve just been upset recently that we don’t have a lot of time together anymore.  But I should have told you that earlier; I shouldn’t have brought that up in an argument.”

“So we’re even then?” he asks, a mischievous glint in his eye.

You give him a playful punch to the chest, smiling.  “Yeah, we’re even.”

“Then I think it’s time for round two.”

[kindapinkskies]

i know | jj maybank

hellooooo i've risen from the dead and its with a fic about outer banks... i've fallen in love with jj... thats my baby

this was supposed to be a 5+1 concept and it still kinda is but i got really really carried away. as my new friend @captainpogue​ calls it the too much gene. so buckle up and grab a snack this is 21k words lmaoooo i hope you enjoy

i love you already

warnings: nothing more than what is mentioned in the show

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You were laying on your stomach, on your bed, flipping through a book. It didn’t have your full attention as your mind was elsewhere. Music filtered in through your headphones but you weren’t really listening to it, either. It was almost dark outside and with the power still out, the few candles lit in your room did little to help you focus on the words in front of you.

It was also extremely hot. You were sweating just laying there. Your shirt was stuck to you and your shorts felt uncomfortable even if they were cloth sleeping shorts. Letting out a frustrated groan, you drop your head down to the book but immediately wince when you feel it get stuck to your forehead. You have to slowly lift your head and peel the page off with your fingers. Gross.

Moving the book, you lay your head down again and just try to breathe. The events of the day are finally catching up to you, making you a bit tired. Your mind is racing as the memories flash through like a movie playing behind your eyelids. Walking down the street and hearing a distressed, “Just shut up, Pope!” You recognized the voice like it was your own and rushed across the street where you came face to face with your group. JJ had looked at you, guilt shining in his eyes as he looked back at Shoupe, “Yeah, it was all me.”

A distressed sigh -one that matched the one you let out as you helplessly watched JJ get pushed into the back of the cop car- leaves your body in a rush and it makes your bed bounce just a little with the force of it. Kiara had moved up to you as you watched Pope let out a scream and storm off, his dad following him angrily with the hat Pope had thrown to the ground. She explained what she knew and all you could do was close your eyes and let out a breath. You knew JJ getting arrested, again, wouldn’t be good for him. He’s seventeen now, still a minor, but he’s so close to being tried as an adult and that scares you.

“Hey, you want to go to the police station, see if we can do something?” Kie had offered when she noticed that you’d done nothing but stare off in the direction the cop car had gone.

“No, his dad will most likely show up.” you stated and winced at your own words. “I’m just going to go home. I’d say text me but you know, towers are down. And my phone might even be dead with the whole no power thing.”

Kie laughed at your tone and it pulled a laugh out of you as well.

Rolling onto your back, you cover your face with your hands and try really hard to keep your frustrations at bay. You know JJ didn’t do shit this time around. You know what he’s covering for and why he’s doing it but god damn it you wished he had a little bit more common sense sometimes. You wish he wouldn’t put others before himself sometimes, even though that wasn’t in his nature. You wish he didn’t have such a temper sometimes, or the need to prove himself, because then that’d help him stay under the radar a bit easier. But you knew that JJ would never lose those parts of himself, that’s just who he was. Someone who cared about others too much because he didn’t want them to feel what he’s felt his whole life but had a temper like no other.

The temper is something you’ve tried working on with him for as long as you’ve known him. Since the first time you saw him lose it at the age of twelve. It was an unhealthy coping mechanism, to fly off the handles as soon as someone upset him enough. You guessed it was because he knew nothing else. Growing up around that kind of behavior, it just kind of sticks. He tries though, tries to keep it under control for as long as possible though, hating that he gets so angry so easily but people just make him so mad. You’ve told him that he gets that way because he bottles up everything he’s feeling when he’s feeling it and it just keeps building until he snaps. And when he snaps, it’s because he filled himself up with so much rage it has nowhere else to go than through his fists, or yelling, or apparently holding someone at gunpoint.

Tears of frustration for JJ start to build behind your eyelids and your nose starts to tingle but you just can’t help it. JJ doesn’t deserve the things he’s been put through, he really doesn’t. He’s a good person. He has good intentions behind most of the crazy shit he does. It’s just that he doesn’t think of the consequences before he goes through with his impulses. His snap judgement choices weigh out any other rational thought in his head.

Like he clearly didn’t think of what would happen to him when taking the blame for a felony charge and you really hope he’s okay. You kinda hope his dad didn’t show up to get him from the police station and that he’s still there because you know the outcome of the scenario. You’ve been on the comforting end of those scenarios more often than not and each time it breaks your heart. To see the boy cut up and bruised by the hand of his own father. He brushes it off every time, ‘It’s nothing I can’t handle’ but you see the pain there. The shine in his eyes and the deep breaths to keep himself from crying. You see it. Every. Time.

You can only hope that today won’t be one of those days where JJ will be littered with dark bruises and deep cuts. Your heart hammers in your chest at the thought of JJ not even making it out of his house today. That’s he’s too hurt to move and that makes a breath stutter out of you in the force of a sob. You press the heels of your hands harder to your closed eyelids in hopes to stop the tears from falling when you feel a weight drop down around your legs. You let out a yelp as your eyes fly open and you sit up in the process.

JJ stands there, at the end of your bed, with his hands on either side of your knees. Your heart nearly drops to your toes when you take in his appearance. Your hopes of him coming out of today unscathed were just that, hopes. The left side of his face is nearly purple, there’s cuts on his eyebrow, cheek, jaw, and a few around his neck line. His eyes are red rimmed and the tip of his nose is just as red. Jaw clenched and breathing ragged, you can tell he’s doing everything he can to hold back his tears. Some have already fallen, you know that, but that was when he was alone. Now he’s trying to act like everything’s fine when you know it’s not. When you both know it’s not.

“JJ,” you breathe out, removing your headphones and tossing your phone to the floor. His face crumples at your voice and you’re a bit relieved. He’s not going to hide how he feels and that just makes you whisper his name again, “JJ.”

That’s all it takes before JJ removes his backpack and climbs up the length of your body, pushing you to lay back down as he settles on top of you. He shakes against you as you wrap yourself around him. One hand goes up the back of his shirt and the other knocks off his hat so you can run your fingers through his hair. He lets out a shaky breath against your neck and then he’s crying. He shoves his face into your neck and you move a little to the side to let him get more comfortable, wanting to give him all the comfort in the world.

“Shh, it’s okay. You’re okay. You’re safe.” You repeat the words over and over again, hoping that they’ll sink in and bounce around in his head so he’ll believe them. “I was so worried about you. That’s why I was crying when you showed up. You worry me, JJ. You always do.”

He starts to settle down after that and you let out a breath, moving one of your hands to quickly remove the tears from your own cheeks before moving back to running your fingers through his hair. “It’s not a bad thing that you worry me. I only worry because I care about you. I care about you more than I care about anyone else.”

Stuttering breaths still fan over the skin of your neck and you just continue to run your hands over him. Your hand on his back is lightly scratching at the skin there, your fingernails leaving a trail of goosebumps. Your other hand is playing with the strands of his hair, untangling them and smoothing them over. “You’ll be okay, JJ.”

When you feel him nod, you know you got him back down to earth. “I’ll be okay.”

“Okay then, let’s go check out those cuts.”

You both get off the bed, JJ focusing too hard on the ground but nonetheless let’s you take his hand and guide him down the hall and into the bathroom. Once he’s seated, on the closed lid of the toilet, you move in between his legs to get close enough to inspect his face. His hands trail up the backs of your legs and wrap around your thighs. It’s a subconscious move on his part, it always is when you’re in this position. For some reason it brings him comfort, it grounds him, keeps him aware that you’re there and in front of him. His thumbs trace up and down on the outsides of your thighs as he tilts his head back for you.

You clean up the dry blood around his eyebrow, cheek, and lip. He hisses at the pressure to get it all off and whines when you clean the cuts with an antiseptic. You apologize by placing delicate kisses over the broken skin. A sigh escapes through his parted lips and his hands move up to the point where his fingers graze the bottom of your shorts.

“Hi, baby,” you whisper against his lips, ghosting yours over his to try and soothe the sting out of the cut. You’re not too sure how good it works but JJ relaxes a bit more under your touch.  

A small smile pulls at JJ’s lips as his eyes meet yours, “Hi, baby,” he echoes and his lips brush against yours.

Running your fingers through his hair, you tug a little at the strands and his eyes fall closed once again. You take the opportunity to run your fingers carefully over the bruises littering his delicate skin. There’s nothing you wish for more than for your fingertips to magically heal the darkened, painful, skin of his face.

Another sigh leaves through his parted lips and this time he sounds a bit watery. You grab onto his face with both hands and push your thumbs up under his closed eyelids to see if tears will leak through. And when they do, you swipe them away. “I owe 30 grand in restitution for sinking the boat. My dad didn’t like that.”

The question of what happened would always sit there on the tip of your tongue but you always knew what happened so you would never ask. It was always the same, it was just the reason that changed. And JJ would tell you it every time, once he calmed enough to talk about it.

“You didn’t do it, JJ.”

JJ sighs, “Yeah, I know. But Pope doesn’t deserve that charge. He has so much to look forward to. A way to get out of here and I couldn’t let him throw that away.”

Your hands move his face to a position that when he opens his eyes, he’ll be looking right at you. He knows that so he does and when he does, tears slide down his cheeks before your thumbs have a chance to stop them. “Yeah, but what about you?”

“We all know where I come from. There’s no way I’ll ever be more than that.”

“Don’t-“

He cuts you off, “No, it’s true. Look at me? Look at the shit I’m in. I have nothing going for me. I have nothing to lose. I might as well start now, the life I’m destined to live.”

Your nose starts to tingle once again, the tears resurfacing, “JJ, stop.”

“What?” he scoffs, “You want me to stop telling the truth? When will you realize that I’m correct? That I’m not good for anyone.”

“You’re nothing like him, JJ. You never have been and that’s something you need to realize.” You tug on his hair again, to make sure you have his attention. “The way you care about those you love. I mean, today was a bit reckless but you protected your friend. You protect the entire friend group. You’d never hurt anyone just for the hell of it, just because you felt like it, that’s not you, JJ. “

Looking him in the eyes, you try your best to convey the severity of your words, “You say you have nothing to lose but you do. You have me for one, then there's John B, Kie, Pope. If you keep doing reckless shit you’ll lose us. We need you JJ, you’re the biggest support system in our little group.”

JJ doesn’t say anything, just closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. He taps on your thigh, signaling for you to move and when you do he just walks out of the bathroom. You let out a sigh and drop your head, leaving it to hang for a few moments while you steady your breathing to make sure you don’t cry. Everything you said was true and you wished he believed it. The group is full of strong personalities but JJ is the one that keeps everyone a bit sane. He stops people from bickering, he keeps the mood light when it gets to be heavy, he listens to everyone so intently that he knows every detail about anyone. He’s the first to speak up when others are talking down to your group, he's the first to throw a punch in defense. He’s the one, specifically, that brings light to your life every day.

You clean up the bathroom slowly, distracting yourself so you don’t cry. Now is not the time to be emotional, not when JJ’s headspace is so low. This isn’t the first time this has happened and you know it won’t be the last. The amount of self loathing that boy has for himself will stick around no matter what people tell him. It gets better at times but his dad has a way of making it come to the forefront of his brain more often than not.

It’s about fifteen minutes later, stalling as much as possible, before you make your way back to your room. You have a glass of water and some pain killers now because you know that JJ didn’t leave, that he wouldn’t leave. He never does.

“Here,” you murmur, handing over the glass and two pills. “Lay down and go to sleep.”

He has his shirt off and he watches as you move around the room. His gaze is heavy and it makes you feel even warmer than you’re already feeling. You pick up things around the room, dirty clothes, cups, pieces of trash, anything to keep you busy. It’s not something you want to do but you also want to give JJ some space. You won’t admit it but it upsets you every time he starts talking like that and you know he knows that. He always lasts about 13 minutes before he breaks down.

And right on the dot, as you have an armful of dirty clothes to drop in the hamper, he speaks up. “Will you come lay down?”

“I’m going to take a shower. I feel gross.”

JJ lets out a tired sigh, “I’ve calmed down, please come here.”

“I feel gross,” you argue. He may have calmed down but you’re still hurt at his words. You know he doesn’t do it on purpose but it hurts to know that he believes he’s not worth anything, that he’s not afraid of losing you or anyone else that cares about him.

“There’s no point in showering, if I’m not going to shower and we end up pressed against each other anyway. We’ll be sweaty regardless.” He reasons, his voice on the verge of despair and you know that he needs you close right now. That he needs the comfort he seeks. “Please?”

Your heart softens at the tone of his voice and you cave.  Dropping the clothes into the hamper you shuffle over to the empty side of your bed. JJ turns his back to you and you settle in behind him, shoving one arm under his neck and wrapping the other one around his waist. You pull him close to you, both palms flat against his chest, molding your body against his. JJ brings a hand to the top of yours and laces his fingers with yours. He lets out a stuttering breath when you place your lips to the back of his neck.

“I have one thing to lose,” he breathes out, “and it’s you.” You press another kiss to the back of his neck before digging your nose to the skin there. “I love you, you know”

“Yeah, I know.” You squeeze his hand and he squeezes back. “I love you, you know.”

JJ sighs and relaxes completely, like he’d been waiting for you to say those exact words, “I know.”

He falls asleep a few minutes later.

-

-

It’s about three days later when you’re walking down the street when you notice a familiar looking jeep coming towards you. Your hopes for it to just keep driving die before they’re fully even there because it stops next to you, making you stumble a bit at the closeness.

“Pogue.”

“Topper.” you sigh, stepping up to his driver window. “I have a name.”

“Yeah, but I don’t really care.” He looks you up and down before smirking, “But I could.”

You roll your eyes, “Hm, in your dreams. What do you want?”

“Just wanted to see how your little group of Pogues are doing with your precious Pope in the slammer?” He raises an eyebrow in question.

You cross your arms over your chest and step closer. You’re not above fighting. You know how to, you were taught how to fight correctly, your dad teaching you at a young age. He felt the need to, with where you live and the stability you have in such an area.

“Yeah, see, JJ was the one that ended up there.”

Topper’s face falls and his skin turns a bit pale at your words. He won’t ever admit it, but you know that he’s secretly scared of JJ. Him and his friends, they all are. Never once have you seen them go to him one on one. They always have 2 or more and it always fills you with pride because JJ does know how to fight but it’s never fair because he’s just one and they gang up on him.

“Why?” he questions.

“Well, Top, that’s because he’s a good person. Unlike you.” you sneer, not backing down. He’s bigger than you, probably stronger than you but you’re not scared of him. You never have been.

“I didn’t want to press the charges, it wasn’t me!” His cocky demeanor falls quickly at the newfound information and it makes you laugh. “It was my mom, I swear.”

“Right, so you couldn’t have stopped her? Couldn’t have done anything when you know the reason it was done in the first place was because you jumped someone who was just trying to do their job. Someone who works for their money. Does someone working to keep themselves afloat scare you? What is it! Huh? You don’t like it?” You can’t help yourself. The force in which your voice is coming out startles you just as much as it does Topper.

“Oh please,” Topper scoffs, rolling his eyes in the process, “don’t act like they’re all innocent. I had a gun held to my head.”

“Yeah, true, but you were about to kill one of our friends! You’re no better than any of us. Oh! And should I mention how you almost killed another one the other night at the outdoor movie? Should I bring that up to someone? Hm? Maybe your mom or maybe the police?” You tilt your head to the side, taunting him a bit.

“Like anyone would believe someone like you,” Topper laughs.

You laugh right back, “Do you forget that I’m actually right under you, status wise? That my family just chooses to live where we do because we’re not a bunch of prissy snobs. People would believe me.”

“Do your Pogues know about you?”

“Of course they do. Do you think that me having money changes anything?” You question, rolling your eyes. “Actually, this conversation is going nowhere. I’m done. I have somewhere I need to be.”

When you step back and start walking, Topper gets out and follows you. “Come back here!”

“For what! What do you want?”

“You need to be knocked down a peg or two. Remind you where you are and who you hang out with,” He steps up to you, trying to seem threatening.

You look up at him bored, “Okay, Topper. Why don’t you get back in your car and drive away. Go do some drugs or beat up on someone working.”

He grabs at your arm and pulls you chest to chest with him, getting in your face in the process. “You don’t know me!”

“And I don’t want to. Now, let me go.”

When you fight against his grip he just holds on tighter. You wince and you know it’ll bruise, “I’m not above hitting a girl. Especially when she’s asking for it.”

“Do it, I dare you.” you challenge, stepping up to nearly pressing your nose to his. You’re not too sure how you didn’t see it coming, probably because you were really challenging him. But he didn’t seem to think the same thing because he surges forward to press his lips to yours. You back away as far as possible but his grip on you doesn’t let you go far and his lips make contact with yours. “Get off of me!”

You stomp on his foot and knee him in the stomach and that gets him to let go. “You bitch!” he grumbles out and reaches for your leg, pulling it out from under you. You land on the ground with a groan and kick at him when he grabs your ankle and bends down to punch you across the face, “Fucking stop!”

“You’re the one that grabbed me, now let go!” You kick at him again and get him in the groin this time. And when he bends over you get enough momentum to deliver a punch to the side of his face. He lands on his side and you push him around until he’s on his back and punch him again before standing up. You stick your boot up under his chin and step on his neck just enough to make it harder for him to breathe. “Don’t ever fucking touch me again.”

“You bitch!” He exclaims again, trying to lunge up at you again but when it doesn’t work he scratches down your leg, cutting into the skin. You push into his neck more when he doesn’t stop. “You do belong with the Pogues.”

“I know,” you smirk, leaning down. “You get your mom to drop the charges against JJ and I’ll make sure he doesn’t come after you for what you just pulled.”

“You think I’m scared of him!” He yells out, choking a bit when your foot slips against his movement.

“I know that you are. And after he finds out it was you that did this to me, it’ll be a whole other type of anger from him.” you whisper, shoving against his throat again. “Drop the charges and I’ll keep him away from you, for this.”

Topper gasps and starts to grab at your ankle but you don’t move it and you won’t move it until he agrees. It only takes a few seconds before he caves, “Okay! Okay, I’ll do it!”

“Good,” you smile, pulling back a little and a gasping breath echoes loudly between the two of you. “Do it now.”

Topper groans and tries to fight you once again, punching at your thigh this time around and it makes you stumble back but not enough because you slam your foot down on his chest, knocking the wind out of him. “Do it now.”

He lets out a breath and fumbles around in his pocket before his phone is presented and he puts it to his ear. “On speaker.”

Once Topper hangs up the phone, after spitting out some bullshit excuse, his mom agrees. She sounds reluctant but she agrees nonetheless. Topper punches you in the thigh once again, this time harder, losing your balance and hitting the ground once more. He kicks at you, foot coming in contact with your lower back after you turned away from him.

“You won’t ever do that to me again, you hear me?” Topper yells, standing up above you.

You laugh and turn over onto your back, “What? Your ego hurt after being held down by a girl.” His face turns red and you can tell he’s trying his hardest not to kick you again. It just makes you laugh more as you stand up to your full height once more. “Don’t let the charges being dropped fall through. If they do? I won’t have any control over what happens.”

You start to walk away and another laugh escapes when you hear Topper, from behind you, let out a frustrated scream before his car door slams and he speeds away. He’s too easy. Messing with him is one of your favorite things to do, even if it ends up with you limping a bit and blood trickling down your leg.

When you reach your destination, The Chateau as always, you’re relieved to only see Kie at the dock you’re all supposed to be meeting at. You initially thought you’d be the last one to show up, your run in with Topper added at least 20 extra minutes to your journey, but you’re glad it doesn’t seem that way. Kie looks up when a branch snaps under your foot and you can see a smile outlining her face when she spots you but it quickly turns into a frown when she sees the state you’re in.

“What the hell happened to you?” she screeches, meeting you halfway.

You look around the property, in search of a certain blonde boy because you absolutely had no idea how you were going to explain this to him. JJ was absolutely going to lose it once he saw you and he absolutely isn’t going to let it go until he knows the truth. You thought about lying to him but he knows you better than he knows himself and he’d see through the lie before it would even have a chance to leave your mouth.

“Where are the guys? I thought I’d be late.”

Kie gives you an unimpressed look at your obvious avoidance of the subject, “I don’t know, something about Figure 8 and Sarah Cameron. That’s all I heard on the phone call.”

You nod, not really caring where they are in the slightest, “Cool. Now will you help me clean up a bit. It doesn’t feel as bad as it looks, I promise.”

She runs her eyes down your whole body before meeting your eyes, “That’s a lie. Do you not feel the blood actively running down your leg?”

Looking down, your eyes widen at just how much blood is covering your leg. “Shit,” you mutter, pressing a palm to your forehead.

“What happened?”

“I ran into Topper,” you sigh, the adrenaline quickly leaving your body now that you’re standing still.

Kiara gasps loudly, “By yourself!”

“Yes,” you groan, not really seeing the big deal. “He looks worse.”

Kie looks like she doesn’t believe you and she’s clearly about to question you when the van pulls up and JJ loudly gets out, yelling out to you both, “Yo, guys, someone beat the shit out of Topper and it wasn’t even us!”

He clearly hasn’t taken in the sight of you yet but you turn your attention back to Kie and you can’t help but smirk at the shocked expression on her face. “JJ’s going to lose his shit in about 2 seconds.”

And just as Kiara closes her mouth, JJ’s voice nearly echoes through the trees, “What in the fuck!” You wince at his tone and just how loud it is.

He was still behind you, you purposely kept your eyes locked on Kiara so you don’t have to face him just yet. But that’s clearly not going to stand because JJ steps in front of you, effectively pushing Kie out of the way. “Who did this?”

“I fell?” You raise your voice as if asking a question, scrunching your face up into your shoulders. The deadpan look on your boyfriend's face makes you let out a sigh and drop your shoulders. “I’d like to say for you to see the other guy but you already have.”

Pope’s voice cuts in before JJ even has a chance to process your words, “You did that to Topper!” He sounds impressed and a big smile pulls at your lips as you turn your head to look at him.

“Holy shit,” John B exhales staring at you in complete awe. “He was fucked up.”

A laugh bubbles past your lips and your cheeks heat up at the attention you’re receiving. The admiration on the two boys' faces almost makes you forget about the other boy in your presence. The one that’s been awfully quiet. You turn back to him and the look on his face makes you frown. His pupils are blown and his jaw is clenched so tight you’re positive his teeth hurt. His focus is dead set on the base of your throat.

Waving your hand in front of his face, you snap your fingers as well, trying to bring him back to you, “Earth to JJ. Come back to me.”

“Topper did this to you?” he asks and when you nod, something flashes in his eyes so quick you find yourself trying to chase it. Figure out what’s going through his head. “I’m going to kill him.”

You’re stunned at the way his voice sounds, deep and raspy, filled with so much hatred. You’re almost positive his voice has never been so low before and it sends chills down your spine. You blink at him but when you open your eyes he’s not in front of you anymore. He’s only a few steps away but you can’t really move as the pain in your leg finally settled in.

“JJ,” you cry out, half out of pain and half to get his attention. “Don’t do anything! Come back here.”

You swivel in your spot and watch him as he continues to stomp into the house. A few things crash around before he comes back out, shoving what you assume is the gun into the back of his pants. “JB, give me the keys.”

“No, don’t give them to him!” You yell out. You need to get his attention.

“What are you thinking? Do you really think I’m just going to sit here and do nothing when that piece of shit put his hands on you?” JJ shouts, standing a few feet away from you now.

Pope comes up behind JJ and puts both hands to his shoulder, “Calm down, man,” he says but JJ roughly shrugs his shoulder and pushes Pope off of him. He puts his hands up in surrender but stays close. “You can’t just go pull a gun out on him and kill him.” He reasons.

“Oh yeah?” He challenges. “Watch me.”

“JJ, stop it,” Kie cries out now.

“Yeah man, you saw what Topper looked like. You should be happy that she’s the one who did it.” John B points out, gesturing to you and JJ follows the movement of his hand and he looks to you again.

He looks at you with his brows furrowed, a storm swirling around in his eyes as he stares you down. The eye contact isn’t something you normally back down from but the intensity in his eyes right now throws you off. It feels like you’re being chastised. You know he’s trying to figure out why you fought Topper. He knows that you don’t just out right fight someone, even if they start it first. He knows that the only time you ever fight is in self defense or to defend someone you care about.

“What did you do?” JJ asks because he knows you did this for a reason. Something more than just for yourself because you don’t personally care for Topper, you’d never give him the time of day and that includes fighting him. “Why’d you fight him?”

“Well,” you shrug, looking down to your feet. Your leg was still bleeding. You should probably do something about that. “He made me mad.”

JJ scoffs, “Your temper is not as bad as mine. There’s more to it. Tell me, now, or I will go kill him.”

You hesitate some more, fixated on your feet and the way they look in your boots. They’re a bit scuffed but they still look good. You focus on that and not the four sets of eyes burning into your frame. Telling them, telling JJ why you fought would result in JJ feeling like shit. You really don’t want him to feel like shit because you did what you did to help him. But he’ll feel like shit because you got hurt and you got hurt on his behalf. There’s nothing he hates more than someone standing up for him and getting hurt because of it.

“Today, please.” JJ snaps and you look up at him to see the anger plastered on his face.

“I was walking here when he pulled up beside me. He wanted to taunt me about Pope being in jail for the whole boat thing and I told him that it was you that took the blame for it. He tried arguing with me but when I started to walk away he grabbed me,” you take a breath when you see JJ step forward like he’s ready to protect you from the words you’re about to say. “And well, when I was challenging him to hit me he kissed me but I -“

“He did what now?” JJ cuts in, his voice so deep and slow your eyes widen at him. Kiara and Pope’s jaw drops at the same time and John B looks taken aback at the way his best friend sounds. Never have they ever heard him sound so angry. You’ve never even heard him so angry before.

Everyone, but you and JJ, glances at each other in confusion but you don’t even dare to look away from JJ. They don’t know what’s going on or why JJ would get so mad at the idea of someone else kissing you. Kiara had a suspicion long ago that the two of you were dating but you shot it down even though she was right. That was almost a year ago and as far as you know they don’t know you’re actually together. At this point you’re not too sure why they don’t even know or why you haven’t told them but you have a feeling they’re about to be real surprised here soon. The look in JJ’s eyes is possessive, it’s down right a claim that you’re his and no one has the right to kiss you.

“Let me finish,” you put a hand up. “I kicked him, shoved him down to the ground, punched him, then held him by the throat with my foot-“

“My god,” John B breathes out, once again looking in awe. Pope just nods in agreement, almost in a daze. Kiara, well she just looks impressed.

“While I slightly choked him with my foot,” you pause for a second, preparing yourself for the worst reaction from JJ, “I got him to drop the charges on the boat.”

It goes deathly quiet for a few moments before three voices come at you all at one, “What?”

You ignore them, still looking at JJ, “By the end of the day your name should be cleared. You won’t be held responsible for the boat anymore.”

JJ doesn’t say anything, he just continues to stare but you watch him carefully. His breaths are deep and calculated, his jaw is clenching and unclenching, his fists loosen and he rests his palms against his thighs. You can practically see the wheels inside his brain working through the information, processing the fact that you did this for him. He’s not used to someone caring for him this way, no matter how long you’ve been there for him, he’s still not used to the love you have for him. He went so long without it, it takes him a while to process it.

But you see the moment it finally settles in his brain, the second that he fully processed the information you’d given him. His chest stutters briefly and you know the tears are going to come next. He breathes in a long breath, and holds it in his lungs before it rushes out through his nose. He’s trying to keep up his tough front, but he’s failing. His eyes finally soften and they go back to the normal light they usually are.

Then, in the blink of an eye he’s in front of you. His hands cradle your face before his body collides with yours, hard, and his lips are on yours. The kiss is hard, it’s possessive, passionate, sincere but hasty, fervent, needy, desperate. It’s overwhelming and so full of emotion that it takes you a second to respond but when you do, JJ sighs into it and pulls you impossibly closer. One hand moves to your lower back and the other one stays on your jaw where his thumb pushes against your face to open your mouth even more. He is absolutely, unquestionably claiming you right here, right now. Not that you need to be claimed but you don’t mind. You’ve never felt so alive before.

The love JJ is conveying through this kiss is everything you’ve ever needed and you reciprocate the best that you can. You want him to know that you’re his and he’s yours. Just how it should be.

JJ whines when you pull away and he chases after you but you need to breathe, “Jesus, J.”

“I’ll say,” Kiara agrees, a little out of breath herself at what she just witnessed. Two seventeen year olds should not know how to share such a passionate looking kiss.

“I didn’t know friends kiss like that,” John B jokes, nudging Pope when he laughs.

“That’s because they don’t.” he continues laughing.

JJ ignores everything they say, “You didn’t have to do that.”

“I know, but I did.” You shrug, shifting on your feet and wincing at the pain that shoots through your leg and JJ notices that. “But like can we go get me cleaned up or something, I need to sit down.”

“Yeah,” JJ nods hastily, “you guys go ahead and go out without us,” he looks at the other three, that still look like they’re in complete shock, and doesn’t wait for their response before he looks back to you, “can you walk?”

You nod but he doesn’t listen. JJ swiftly throws you over his shoulder and starts walking towards the house. “I love you, you know,” he says once he’s far enough away from everyone.

“I know.”

-

-

It’s the next day when you and JJ make an appearance after staying inside all day the day before. Once you had showered and iced down the parts of your body that hurt, you fell asleep and stayed asleep until it was dark. The adrenaline in your system was completely gone and you were in a lot of pain so sleep came naturally.

You met John B, Pope, Kie, and even Sarah, at the beach. It was around 11am when you and JJ walked up to them as they were sitting there in the sand. As you approached, they went quiet and watched as JJ helped you sit, hand you a bottle of water before sitting down behind you. His legs press against yours on either side of your body and his hands rest on top of your thighs. You can feel four sets of eyes on you and you give it about 3 more seconds before someone breaks the quiet.

“How are you feeling?” Kie is the one to break it. You glance at her and give her a smile, one that she returns.

“Sore but I’ll be fine.”

John B laughs a bit of a disbelieving laugh, “What you explained yesterday was pretty badass.”

“Hell yeah it was,” Pope excitedly cuts in. “I should say thank you, as well.”

You just shrug, “I would’ve done it for any of you.”

“Did Topper really do that to you?” Sarah questions you, quizzically looking you up and down. Your face bruised and so did your leg. The scratches down your leg are scabbed and also bruised.

The hands on your thighs tighten and dig into the skin there. You gently place your hands on his, soothing the anger that still sits there. He calmed down yesterday, barely, but he did enough to listen to what happened when you explained it again. Adding in the details you knew would calm him down. He tried to argue with you a few times but you finally got through to him, made him accept the fact that you did what you did and there’s no turning back now.

“What a dick. I can’t believe I dated him,” Sarah continues when you nod at her.

As everyone laughs and starts to pick on Sarah for her choices, you shift your upper body enough to twist around and look at JJ. His eyes are dark and his jaw is clenched tight, pushing out the muscles in his neck. You let out a sigh and bring a hand up to his cheek, soothing your fingers over his jaw to get him to unclench. He’s angry, that much you can tell, but he’s trying his best to keep a wraps on it. It’s been very difficult to keep him steady. Every time he looks at you, he tenses and his breathing gets all deep. It’ll be like that for a few days.

“JJ, calm down,” you whisper to him. The fingers digging into your thighs tighten some more before he relaxes, his eyes meeting yours and the dark anger in them fizzling away slowly. “Hey, there you are.”

“I still can’t believe you won’t let me go kick his ass,” JJ scoffs, moving to lean back on his hands. The movement makes you sway a little, having not realized how much you were relying on him to keep you upright. “I just want to kick his ass.”

He always wants to kick his ass but you know the underlying anger in him would take it further than that and that’s not something you want. Also, “If you kick his ass the charges will come back,” you remind him.

JJ closes his eyes and takes a breath. You move around between his legs and sit sideways, your legs bent over one of his now so you don’t have to be so twisted to look at him. Your back hurts a bit too much for that. He pulls up the leg that’s against your back and presses it into you, giving you something to lean on. You place a hand on his thigh, up by his hip, and lean into him a bit, “I’m sure you’ll get the chance to kick his ass again but just not for this, okay? I hit him just as much as he hit me.”

That brings a smirk to his face, “You know, I wouldn’t mind seeing you choke someone out with those boots you wear. I’m a bit mad I missed it, I’m sure it was hot as fuck.”

And that catches the attention of everyone else and you turn your head when John B speaks up, “Fuck, I was thinking the same thing,” he laughs and laughs even harder when Sarah gasps. “I’m just saying.”

“Actually,” Kie shrugs, “I wouldn’t mind picking a fight with Topper just to see that.”

You let out a loud laugh, your head thrown back at the sheer force in which it comes out, “Can we wait a few days maybe, I hurt.”

JJ immediately brings a hand up to soothe over your leg. It does look bad and honestly it does hurt as bad as it looks. It only takes a few seconds for his other hand to brush over the nasty looking bruise on your back too. Four sets of eyes track the movements, “Does it hurt that bad?”

“Yeah, actually. The cuts sting the worst and the sun makes them feel like they’re burning.” Your answer makes JJ frown. His eyes flicker with anger once more, “Stay calm,” you state a bit forcefully.

You can tell that the group wants to question the movements between you and JJ. The kiss you shared in front of them yesterday was anything but the friendly kisses that you share with the group most days and it’s been on the forefront of their brains ever since. Sarah is the only one that doesn’t track the movements for more than what they are, she didn’t see the kiss and the closeness is no different than what it usually is for the both of you.

The good thing about being with JJ is that nothing really changed between the two of you when you started dating. As kids, you were alway closer than with anyone else. JJ trusted you, protected you, cared deeply for you from the beginning. The touchiness started when you were 15, feelings between you a little too strong to ignore so you went from the friendly hugs and touches to a bit more. Hands would rest in more intimate places, no longer would they rest on knees but now on thighs. No longer on the waist but more on the curve of hips or high up on the rib cage near the chest. Everything was taken in stride, the older everyone got the more common it was and no one questioned a thing about it. It was mostly friendly, being so used to being near JJ for years that the change in touches barely registered in your head, it was all normal.

It changed almost a year ago. The feelings you held for JJ getting to be too much to control, you felt they were getting more and more noticeable every day. JJ was getting closer and closer, lingering longer than usual, snapping quicker when someone offended you, acting a bit more possessive and it was a lot to process. One night, after a particularly large fight with the Kooks, you and JJ were alone on the hammock outside The Chateau when he kissed you. It was a real kiss, one with emotion and fervor, not just a friendly peck that you’d gotten so used to sharing.

You guys have been dating ever since. Keeping it to yourself. You share everything else with the group, nothing was ever private but this was something you wanted to yourselves. To enjoy with no pressure. It was only supposed to be that way for a few months, while you got used to the change in relationship, but you got so comfortable with the way you guys got to have each other in private, you just never mentioned it.

But with how deeply you loved each other, it was obviously getting harder to hide. Not that it’s really that important.

“I’m cal-“

“Are you guy-“

“What the fuck!”

JJ, Pope, and Sarah all speak at the same time but everyone focuses on Sarah’s distressed, ‘what the fuck,’ and looks to her. Everyone then follows her line of sight and what’s caught her attention. JJ immediately tenses and he sits back, ready to jump up. You tense yourself, pushing harder into your hold on him.

“Rafe, what the fuck are you doing here?” Sarah screeches standing up. John B follows her. Kie and Pope stand too, standing more in front of you and JJ.

“Let me go,” JJ whispers, his voice coming out harsh, especially when Topper pops up from behind Rafe.

“No.”

JJ huffs, an annoyed sigh heaving through his nose. His vision is locked on the two boys approaching your group. “We just wanted to check up on our favorite people,” Rafe jokes, the sarcasm rolling off of him in waves. You move completely around in front of JJ when you feel his body start to shake a bit at his continued words, “Especially the one who beat up my boy here.”

Wrapping your legs around JJ’s waist, you pull him closer to you before grasping his face in your hands. “Hey baby, how are you today?” you question, whispering to not gain the attention of everyone else. Pope and Kie are doing a decent job of keeping you hidden but JJ’s eyes are still locked on where Rafe and Topper are standing.

“Which one of you did it? He won’t tell me and I’d like to have a word.”

A twitch goes through JJ’s body, like he’s about to get up but you hold him tighter. Stroking your fingers through his hair, you tug on it a bit to get his attention. It works. “It’s okay.”

“None of you look like you got your asses handed to them, so I ask again. Who did it?” Rafe hums, clicking his tongue as you assume he looks around at everyone. You know that you and JJ aren’t completely covered and he’s bound to finally see you two.

“Rafe, just leave.” Sarah intervenes.

“Oh, Daddy’s little princess, I don’t think so. Not until someone steps up. I might even hang out with you today. I think it would be fun.”

“No, leave them alone. You come for them enough without reason. Go home!” Her voice is stern but Rafe is off the walls, you highly doubt he’ll listen. “Topper deserved what happened to him anyway.”

“Ah,” Rafe lets out, “So you know who did it? You think she’ll own up to it any time soon, I’m tired.”

You wince when JJ roughly grabs you and shoves you away from him. The movement makes you tumble into the back of Kie’s legs and she helps you up as JJ pushes to the front of the group, in the blink of an eye. You let out a groan as you get steady on your feet, your back burning with pain.

John B slaps a hand down on JJ’s shoulder as he steps in front of him, to keep him from attacking. You let out a sigh and shake your head as JJ puffs out his chest, making himself seem bigger. “Why don’t you leave her out of this,” his tone is menacing.

“Oh! You know who did it too?” Rafe exclaims, feigning ignorance.

“Rafe, I told you it’s not a big deal. Let’s go.” Topper interjects.

“No, man.  Look at the bruise on your neck. Someone just doesn’t get away with that. Even if they’re a girl,” Rafe finishes, looking directly at you. You stare back, unimpressed, arms crossed over your chest.

JJ lunges for Rafe, “Keep her out of it!”

Rafe laughs as John B and Pope hold JJ back, “But it’s her fault!”

“Not when he’s all over her first! Come on, Top, be a big man and admit it was your fault!” JJ taunts, struggling against the hold JB and Pope have on him.

You sigh once more before stepping out of Kie’s grip, she squeezes you for a second but let’s you go when you keep walking. Stepping in between JJ and Rafe, your chest brushes his, and you challenge him. You want to protect JJ in this moment because you know if a fight was to break out, JJ wouldn’t have it fair because looking past Rafe’s shoulder you spot the rest of their little gang.

“Get out of the way,” JJ yells, placing a hand to your waist. His fingers squeeze into your side but you don’t back down.

“No, JJ!” you yell back, “this is something you can’t fight over. I told you that!”

JJ presses his chest to your back, trying to get as close as possible to the situation but you push back. “Damn it, let me do something!”

You ignore him, turning to Rafe who has a smug expression on his face from the exchange, “Leave. This has nothing to do with you!”

Sarah steps you beside you and shoves at her brother, making him stumble. “Go home.”

“Sarah, this has nothing to do with you.”

You take a step forward, “And it doesn’t with you, either. I’d leave before you end up like your buddy.” Your temper is rising very quickly. The continuous smug look on his face from not listening to you or his own sister making your skin crawl. Your blood is hot and you can feel yourself vibrating in JJ’s hold, the taunting of his words and the way he speaks them as if he’s demeaning you.

“Like you co-“ you don’t even let him finish before you’re throwing a punch across his face, hard. He falls to the ground with the force of it and you’re about to lurch forward to continue throwing punches but arms wrap around your waist and pull you back. Your legs kick up in the air as you fight against the hold, “You bitch!”

Sarah jumps in between you and her brother, knowing he wouldn’t hit her. “Rafe, leave,” but he just shoved her aside and tried to get to you. You’re still fighting in JJ’s hold, yelling at him to let you go but he just continues to pull you away. Topper jumps in to keep Rafe back, desperately trying to get him to listen. For once Topper is doing something smart.

“Let me fight him!” You scream, tired of him and all his friends constantly looking down at you like you’re no more than a piece of garbage on the ground. It’s tiring, frustrating, and you’re absolutely sick of it. You’re tired of having to constantly be on alert, wondering if you’re going to get attacked again just because you’re hanging out somewhere or walking down the street. “Let me go!”

“No!” JJ yells back, “if you won’t let me fight, you’re not going to either!”

“I’m not letting you fight because I don’t want you in jail, asshole!” You’re still struggling against him but his hold is too tight and you’re losing air. “I’m just trying to protect you, god damn it, let me do something for you!”

In your fit of rage you don’t even notice that JJ has dragged you both a few feet away from everyone else until he’s in front of you, hands grasping at your face, “Hey hey hey, will you calm down? Breathe, calm down, baby.”

“JJ, let me go!” You exclaim, still trying to pull away from his grasp. It bothers the bruise on your face but you ignore it. You just want to fight, to attack anything that puts JJ in danger. You’re not too sure where this sudden wave of protectiveness came from, granted you always want to protect him, but it’s a really strong urge these past few days.

“No, calm down. I’m not letting you go until you’re breathing properly again.” JJ argues. He soothes his thumbs over your cheeks but you’re barely registering them there. Your mind is still reeling, wanting to do anything to fight, to keep JJ safe and with you. “What is going on with you? Why do you want to fight so bad? You’re not one to fight.”

The questions seem to drain the fight right out of you, the adrenaline running through your system leaving your body in a single breath. It makes you sag against JJ, his hands on your cheeks the main thing keeping you up. “I don’t know.”

“Come on, dig a little. I need an answer so we can work on moving forward.” JJ throws your own words back at you. You smile a little at him, happy that he’s grasping onto the tactics you use to get him to open up about what he’s going through. JJ notices you smile and chuckles, “Yeah, yeah I listen to you after all.”

That makes you full on laugh, your whole body shaking as the laugh rips through you. Reaching up, you rest a hand to his cheek, “You’re so stubborn, I’m a bit surprised.” He leans into your touch a bit, eyes closing as he takes in a deep breath. Your laughter dies down and you just smile at him. “The idea of you not being with me, scares me.”

JJ frowns and steps closer, as if either of you would disappear if he wasn’t close enough. “I just-“ you breathe out when he places your free hand on his ribs, your place of comfort, your grounding place. “I just want to do something for you. I want you to be safe. I want to protect you.”

“Have you not realized that’s what you’ve been doing for me since we were like 9?” JJ laughs, shaking his head. “Baby, you’ve been the one protecting me for years. How many times have you taken the blame for something when you weren’t even there? How many times have you hid me in your closet so your parents don’t find out I’ve sneaked in after a particularly bad day with my dad? How many times have you patched me up and held me when things got too bad? It’s too many to count. You do things for me every day. You smiling at me, holding my hand, sitting beside me, sharing food with me, looking at me, hell just being in the same room as me; gets me through any day.”

The four others stare on in a bit of a daze. Rafe and his followers long gone so their attention has been solely on the two of you. But there’s no way either of you could’ve known. Emotions are running high between you and JJ that there’s no way you’d pay attention to anything other than him until you knew his mind was steady. You knew JJ was going through the same thing.

“Are they like.... together?” Sarah questions, to no one in particular. She always just assumed the two of you were just closer. That your friendship was just that, a friendship. She’s noticed that the entire group of Pogues were close and touchy, but it was always a bit more between the two of you.

“Yeah,” Pope answers.

Sarah gasps, “Why didn’t I know!”

“Because we don’t even know,” John B answers.

“What do you mean?” Sarah’s brows furrow. That has got to be one of the most confusing things she’s ever been told. “That doesn’t make sense.”

“They haven’t told us,” Kie shrugs, “But, I mean, it’s obvious. I figured it out like six months ago maybe?”

“Really?” Pope, raises an eyebrow. “I figured it out like 3 months ago.”

“Mmm,” John B hums, “I’m pretty sure I witnessed their first official kiss. You know how she kisses all of us?” he asks, looking around to the others. Kie and Pope nod while Sarah just watches on. “Well, one night, like last year some time. I saw them kiss and it wasn’t like the ones she gives all of us. Their dynamic changed the next day.”

Sarah looks around completely baffled. She feels like she should’ve known, should’ve realized but she just assumed because no one acted like you two were dating. But she didn’t grow up with you all, she hasn’t seen how the two of you dating wouldn’t be a shock. And the newfound information still doesn’t stop Sarah from letting out a gasp when you surge forward to kiss JJ.

The kiss is like the one you shared yesterday but this time it’s you pouring everything you’ve got into it. Pouring in every ounce of love your body has to offer. It’s deep and warm and all things good. It’s needy and greedy, needing to have his attention and wanting to take it all. He reciprocates with just as much fervor, hastily kissing back like his life depended on it. His hands are tight on your waist as he pulls you impossibly closer, always closer, and your arms wrap around his neck. Hands shoved in his hair, you kiss him with unrelenting fury. It’s a kiss that could easily turn into something more if you weren’t in public so you try to tone it down but JJ is having none of that. He just wraps both arms around your back and holds you to him when you try to pull away.

You step back though, breathing heavily against JJ’s lips. Your breaths mix with his and your lips desperately brush as you both just breathe, trying to come back to earth. You place a quick kiss to his lips and one to his nose, “I love you, you know.”

“I know,” he responds with a quick kiss to your lips and your nose.

-

-

The van is entirely too tense for your liking. The atmosphere is so thick, it makes it feel like you can’t breathe. John B is yelling profusely at JJ as he drives, like he’s part of a car chase, through the back roads of The Cut to get to where his brain has focused on.

It was a pretty normal day up until about 26 minutes ago.

You were the last one to be picked up for the day, JJ greeting you at the sliding door of the van with a quick hello kiss to your lips before grabbing your hand and helping you in. Kisses got placed on everyone, even Sarah -who was pleasantly surprised, because even if she won’t admit it, she was upset to find out that you’ve kissed everyone but her- before sitting down on the floor in front of the bench. JJ sat behind you and you wrapped your arms around his legs. All of you were going to head out to the boat, spend the day on the water and soak up some sun. Just hang out like teenagers are supposed to do.

That was until a supposed cop car pulled up behind the van out of nowhere and ordered for you to pull over. John B does as told but in the blink of an eye, there’s a shot gun being aimed in his face and orders are being thrown for everyone to get out. Orders thrown for us to lay down flat in the ditch.

Something about knowing Rafe and how he’s going after people to collect money he owes. JJ was constantly telling him that you’re all a bunch of Pogues, that he won’t find anything but of course he found the cash you keep in your backpack, along with the weed you hold for JJ. There were a few other things he found that he deemed good enough to steal but you didn’t get enough of a look to see what he found. It’s like he noticed every time one of you moved because he’d be quick to aim the gun at any of you who moved and threaten to shoot.

Which is why it was so surprising when JB was able to get into the car without the guy noticing. After that, it was amazing how fast the guy ended up on the ground, wheezing and groaning in pain.

“Oh, I know this guy! He sells coke to my dad!” JJ yelled before he kicked him in the stomach.

“No wonder he was talking about Rafe.” Sarah interjected, scoffing in disbelief.

JJ punched the guy across the face once more before reaching into his pocket and taking the guys wallet. “We have one more stop to make!” he laughs menacingly.

So, that leads you up to where you are now. Pacing the front lawn of a run down drug house. Crashes are coming from inside, along with the yells and screams from JJ and John B. Every time something hits the ground, you startle, completely on edge by the whole situation. JJ has damn near lost his mind, his eyes too wide and too unfocused. If you didn’t know any better you’d say he did a line of coke for breakfast this morning.

Deep down, you know this behavior is only fueled by the way he’s been treated his whole life. That he’s reached his limit at how much he can actually take. That he’s fed up with his life and what he feels like he’s worth. He’s snapped, something you’ve been trying to prevent for years, and there’s absolutely nothing you can do about it. You’re not scared of him, you know that you’d be able to calm him down but you know there’d be a fight before that happened. A fight you don’t want to go through. It’s only been four days since your fight with Topper and you’re still exhausted from it. You’re not ready to handle a fight with JJ.

“God, they sound like they’re killing each other in there,” Kie groans, pacing just as much as you. She looks worried.

Pope stands completely still, an anxious look on his face as he stares at the front door of the house. It looks like he believes he’ll summon them out with just his gaze in the door.

And Sarah, well, she just looks out of place.

You continue to pace, anxiously waiting, not daring to look at the door. You don’t want to know what’s going on. You wish you couldn’t hear what was going on either. You honestly feel like you’re going to wear a path down in the dead grass with all your back and forth.

“Now!” you jump at the sudden voice before the screen door to the house slams open. JJ steps out with a wad of cash in his hands. “We can all have, let’s see-“ he pauses for a second as he sorts through the stack, “5 grand each!”

John B looks aggravated, like he’s talking to a child that keeps asking ‘why’ for absolutely no reason, as he follows closely behind JJ.

“What are we doing! Stealing from drug dealers now?” Kiara exclaims.

JJ stares at her, throwing his arms around. “Aren’t you guys tired of this? We got a gun! A gun pulled on us today. We were robbed! Us!” JJ exclaims, face red. “I don’t know about you but I’m tired! I’m tired of being treated like absolute shit just because of where we live!”

You stare on in complete shock. JJ’s lips are parted and his eyes are wide, breathing ragged. This is a whole other type of anger that you’ve never seen out of JJ before. You’re not too sure how to handle this.

“Relax, JJ,” John B continues after him, his anger showing through as well. He starts pushing up against JJ, getting in his face.

“How’d you feel, huh? That shit was right there in your face,” JJ argues back.

“I’m putting it back,” John B moves to snatch the bag JJ has in his grasp and that leads to JJ shoving JB up against the van, hard. The impact of it echoes around the small area you’re in.

“You feel like a tough guy, huh?” John B snaps, not even trying to fight against the hold JJ has on him. He knows that JJ would never lay a hand on him, no matter how mad he got. “What will you do when he comes for us?”

“We punch him, in the throat,” JJ retorts, his voice coming out low and threatening. It does fit with JJ, he shouldn’t be capable of getting his voice to sound like that.

JB scoffs, “Oh, good fuckin’ idea, JJ.”

JJ steps back, a relieving sigh coming from you as he does, “I’m not putting it back,” he mutters and shoves past JB and gets into the van. From your vantage point, you can’t see him inside. You’re still so shocked to the spot, you can’t move. It’s only a few seconds of everyone just standing around before he gets back out. “What!?” he snaps.

“We’re sick of your shit.”

That seems to get you to snap out of whatever trance you’re in. You finally look away from JJ and look at everyone else. The worried look on Pope’s face, at his best friend's obvious breakdown. The indifference Sarah radiates because she doesn’t know JJ enough to feel any other way. The anger in John B’s stance as he looks at his best friend and the recklessness he’s showing. The disbelief on Kiara’s face as she looks at JJ like she’s never seen him before, “Yeah, you’re pulling guns out on people shit.”

“JJ come on man, put it back,” Pope tries to reason but JJ just snaps.

“Pope, come on! I took the fall for you, I owed 30k in restitution. The charges may drop but they can still sue me for that money. Might as well be ahead of the game!”

“I didn’t ask you to do that!” Pope exclaims.

“Yeah, well I did. Sorry for caring.” JJ mutters, looking around to everyone. He misses your frame, like he forgot you were even with them. “You know what? I’m just going to go by myself.”

All you do is watch as JJ starts to walk away, his head is down and you can see the hurt in his face as he walks by.  The mask he holds up every day, faltering as soon as he can’t be seen anymore. He meets your eye and the wild anger that was there seconds ago is gone, all that’s left is watery eyes and disappointment. You take a step towards him, to give him the comfort he needs to get through this but he just shakes his head and keeps walking.

“JJ!” Pope hell’s out but it falls on deaf ears, JJ continuing his trek out of the area.

“Just let him go.” JB sighs, “let him do his thing.”

It’s quiet, so quiet you can hear the wind in the trees rustling each leaf, as JJ walks out of sight. It doesn’t take long for the last few minutes to settle into your brain and leave your blood running hot. When you turn away from where JJ had gone, you see everyone looking to you for some sort of guidance. They know you’re the only one that can successfully bring JJ back to earth, back to the present and out of his head. It’s been that way for years now. They just look at you helplessly, like you have all the answers. And you don’t.

It makes you angrier. It angers you that JJ did this. That he snapped and decided it would be a good idea to rob someone, a drug dealer at that. You would’ve much rather dealt with him getting into another fight with someone over having to deal with stolen money.

And it makes you angry that his best friends are apparently sick of him. It doesn’t sit right with you in the slightest.

“I can believe you guys,” you shake your head at them.

John B looks taken aback by your words, “Us!?”

“You can’t sit here and tell us you support him for what he just did!” Kie yells at you, stepping forward.

“Of course not!” You shake your head, “but I’m not going to sit here and shit on someone who is already down. JJ doesn’t deserve you guys to be talking to him like that, like you’re sick of him. That boy does everything he can to get things right with you guys. You mean so much to him and you’re just going to shit on him for it?”

“He’s robbing drug dealers, y/n.” Pope tries to reason but you just shake your head at him.

“One that just threatened to kill, each and every one of you.” You argue back, “Yes, stealing probably wasn’t the best thing he could’ve done and I’ll try and get it back so we don’t get into anymore fucking trouble. But, for you guys to turn on him the second he does something you don’t agree with is a bit fucked.”

You step towards them again, not realizing you were so far away from the group to begin with, “Pope, I know you didn’t ask him to, but he just took the fall for you so you wouldn’t lose your scholarship opportunity. He told me it’s because he’s not worth more than jail time, that you have so much more to look forward to than him.”

“Kie, who was the first person to accept you back into the group after you wanted to experience life as a kook? It was JJ. He sat there multiple nights, telling us that you haven’t changed, that you’d still be the same Kiara you were before. The one that’s understanding and supportive of everyone’s reckless behavior.”

“And John B,” you frown, “JJ was the one that was there for you when your dad went missing. He held you through the nights, made you eat and drink water. Did everything in his power to bring you out of your pain, while he was going through his own set of pain. He made sure you didn’t lose yourself when you lost your dad.”

“And for me? He’s been there for me through so much shit, quick to smile just so I would smile back. He could be in so much physical and emotional pain but he’s the first person to smile. The first person to crack a joke. The first person to offer comfort just because he doesn’t want people to feel what he feels from someone who is supposed to care for him. He may act like a jackass or someone who is tough and happy but he’s not. He’s really not.”

“You guys don’t see the way that mask falls off as soon as he’s alone. You don’t see how he beats himself up over the tiny details of his life. How he views himself as nothing more than a piece of trash for not being able to stand up to his dad. How he thinks he’s going to end up just like him. He’s scared, terrified of losing us. It’s why he’s so quick to fight, to protect, to make sure we’re happy. We’re literally the only thing, the only good thing, he has in his life. And you hurt him today.”

You hang your head after your rant, the weight of your words leaving you feeling empty after having said them. Your shoulders ache a bit but it’s still quiet. “I know, none of us agree with the stealing of the money. It was stupid and dangerous. But you didn’t have to tell him that you’re tired of him. You could’ve let Pope follow him like he wanted, to show him that he’s not alone.”

“Well, you didn’t follow him either.” Sarah steps in.

“He told me not to. I respect him for that. He knows what he did was a bit much. He wants to calm down, he was just mad that we all could’ve just died.” You shrug, looking around to everyone. They all look a bit guilty, realizing what it is that they just insinuated to their best friend.

���We didn’t mean it in a bad way,” John B says, running his hands through his hair like he’s stressed. And he is.

“Yeah, but do you think he’ll take it that way?” You question, eyebrow raised.

“We just want him to calm down.”

You nod, “I get that but you could’ve gone at it another way. That’s just me though. I’m gonna go home though. Be there just in case.”

Before they have a chance to say anything you walk away, in the opposite direction of JJ because you live in opposite directions. And that sudden thought makes your heart drop at the realization that JJ might try and go home. To show his dad that he can do something right, that he can get the money to pay off his debts.

You don’t hear from JJ for the rest of the day. Just your unread message of I know, to his I love you, you know, that he sent a few minutes after he left the group in the afternoon.

-

-

You didn’t see JJ until the following night. And when you did you kinda wished you hadn’t. You wish he hadn’t gone missing for over 24 hours. You wish you’d seen him all day and that this wasn’t the first time you were seeing him. As soon as your eyes landed on him, you knew something was wrong. Something went terribly wrong.

You and Kie had been together all day, running errands and shopping, picking up things for the movie night, dinner, at the Chateau. The Pogues all decided it would be a good idea because you knew that JJ would show up and they wanted to apologize to him. Everyone was worried about him, having not been able to locate him since he’d gone off the walls. But you knew him, you knew no matter how upset he gets about his friend, he’ll always come back to them. Always.

“I’m really worried about JJ,” Kie had said at one point. The two of you were picking up his favorite candy when she said it, looking forlorn into the shopping cart.

You felt her pain, but you shrugged nonchalant anyway, not wanting to alarm her with just how worried you were. If you were overly -which you were- worried about JJ then everyone knows it’s bad, “Shit happens in friend groups, Kie.”

She looked like she was close to tears, “But we’re not a normal friend group. We’re family.”

You nodded at her and held her in the middle of the market.

Now you felt like you were the one that needed to be held.

The sight in front of you was wrong. It didn’t belong in front of you. It didn’t belong anywhere near here yet, here it was staring you right in the face. You want to close your eyes and when you open them back up, you want it to be gone but you knew that wasn’t going to happen. Your heart is lodged in your throat and it was going to stay there until you knew everything was going to be okay.

“What did you do, JJ?” Pope gasps, in absolute disbelief as the three of you come up on JJ sitting in a hot tub, surrounded by hundreds of Christmas lights.

JJ looks up and scans over you, Kie, and Pope. You can barely see his eyes over the brim of his sunglasses. Why is he wearing sunglasses at night? You’re not too sure. “Oh, good you’re here. Come on, you have to get in right now! I have a jet going in my butt!”

He’s drunk, overly so, but that doesn’t stop him from drinking the champagne in his hands, right out of the bottle. Pope just drops his jaw, “How much did all this cost?”

“Well when you look at it; the generator, petrol, lights.. I don’t know? All of it?”

“All of it!?”

“All of it.”

“You spent all that money in one day?” Pope exclaims, leaning forward in his spot. It sounds like he doesn’t believe it. Like he doesn’t even want to.

“Yeah, burned a whole right through my pocket!” JJ waves his hand flippantly like it’s not a big deal. When it is. “But I mean, like, look, come on guys look at all of this.”

His voice is too high. It’s tight and too pitched to sound normal. To sound like he’s not seconds away from snapping. It brings tears to your eyes as you watch from the sidelines. Watch as your boyfriend crumbles right before you.

“Kie, what?” JJ says, causing you to look to her. She looks pained, absolutely shattered. “I mean,” JJ laughs but it’s anything but joyful. It sounds just as pained as Kiara’s face looks. “Can’t a man have a little luxury in life?”

He waves his hands dramatically. Showing off what he’s done outside of the Chateau, desperately looking for approval. That what he did was the right thing. “All this, scrapin’,” he trails off, as he rips off the sunglasses. “Come on, guys,” he looks around again, his eyes lingering on yours a bit longer before looking to the water. “I mean, like, guys, we-“ his voice cracks and he takes a desperate breath in. You find yourself copying his breath. “You only live once, right?” His hand comes up out of the water as he limply holds up one finger. Like the movement is too much for him.

The look on JJ’s face as he makes eye contact again screams sadness. Screams validation. He wants, so desperately for you to agree with him, for all of you to agree with him. But he doesn’t realize everyone is on the verge of tears, the breakdown too much for anyone to handle. His face wobbles a bit and you can see it pinch up through the steam around him. He’s seconds away from tears.

When no one responds, he does his best to wipe away the emotions. He fails. But he shakes his head and keeps going, “Enough of this emotional shit. Come on, get in.”

“We’re not-“

JJ cuts Kie off in a second, “Come on, get in! I almost forgot! There’s a disco mode.”

Fountains of water spit out across the surface and different colored lights shine through each arch. JJ smiles triumphantly and throws his arms up in the air, leaning back against the side of the hot tub again.

“Are you kidding me!” Pope shouts and your tears fall at how fast JJ’s face paints his disappointment. “You could’ve done anything else with the money.”

“You could’ve given it to charity!” Kie interjects, sounding a bit annoyed now. JJ turns his head to the side and rubs at his eyes. His breathing is calculated and you just know he’s doing whatever he can to stop from crying.

“Better yet,” Pope exclaims, “You could’ve given it back!”

“Ok, well you know what!” JJ yells, “I didn’t-“ he stands up and the ground almost falls out from underneath you at the sight, “I didn’t do that! I got a hot tub!”

Your hands shake against your face, just as much as JJ’s voice shakes. The deep, dark, bruises littering his abdomen and ribs, glues you to the spot. You can’t do anything but gape at him. When did this happen and why hadn’t he come to you, to anyone. Where did he go when he was clearly not okay, mentally and physically. Kie and Pope just stare, clearly not knowing what to do with themselves and most likely thinking the same exact thing. JJ just keeps clambering on, like he didn’t just shake the very ground you stand on.

“For my friends! Actually no, screw friends, for my family. I got a hot tub for my family!” His voice is shaky and still too high pitched. He looks and sounds frantic as he keeps moving back and forth in the hot tub.

“JJ, what the hell?” Kie cries out, trying to interrupt him.

If he hears her, he ignores her, “Look at what I did for us! I did this for us! So we can be a family!”

“JJ,” She tries again.

“No,” JJ holds up a hand, shaking his head desperately. “No, stop. Stop being emotional. It’s fine, okay?”

The way the word okay flies out of his mouth, fast and unsteady. The quiver his lips make around the word, breaks the spell that was put on your body. You work on taking off your shoes as fast as possible. Not once looking away from JJ as he bows his head and sucks in deep breaths through his teeth.

You pull off your last sock as he starts talking again, “It’s sweet? Yeah?”

You crash into him as he cries out, “Just get in.”

Wrapping your arms around him, you pull him into you, like you have many times before, and the movement punches a sob right out of him. He leans his entire body weight onto you and just sobs. It only takes a few seconds before you feel another pair of arms. “I just couldn’t take it!” he sobs.

His body shakes against yours and he holds onto you so tight it knocks the wind out of you a bit, “I can’t take him anymore!” The sobs hit at full force, leaving him breathless. “I almost killed him.”

You hold on a bit tighter, running your hands up and down his back. You’re trying to force every ounce of comfort you have in your body into his. Feed him what he so desperately craves. “I just want to do the right thing.” he cries out, sounding so small and vulnerable it shatters your heart into pieces.

“I know,” you and Kie whisper at the same time. You’re glad she’s here. Pope comes in next, his arms wrapping around everyone. JJ lets out a sigh as three pairs of arms wrap around him before he lets out another sob. His weight being held up by the three of you. “I know.”

You’re not too sure how long you’re there, standing in the middle of the hot tub, just listening to JJ sob but you know it’s more than half an hour before John B walks up, startling everyone a bit. JJ has calmed down enough and is just being held while he sniffles every once in a while. But his sobs come back as soon as John B asks, “What the fuck is all this?”

John B looks alarmed and quickly let’s go of Sarah to climb into the hot tub, immediately wrapping the group up in his arms. Once he’s here, knowing that there’s a stronger force, you let out your cries. It hurts to see JJ in so much pain, to see him suffering so much. You want to protect him from everything. You want to go to his dad and fight him, make him hurt the way your boyfriend does. But doing that would do nothing to help JJ. If you were to get hurt on JJ’s behalf, once again, but by his dad he’d never forgive himself. And that would hurt him even more.

You want to hold the broken boy in your arms until he’s pieced back together and is never in any pain ever again. But you know that’s not possible, that’s not something that can logically happen.

But what you can do is help him get out of physical pain. Help him get comfortable and hold him until he sleeps. Hold him until he receives the love and comfort he wants and needs. And that’s something you will always do.

“We should get out,” you whisper but everyone hears you. Even Sarah, seeing as she rushes forward to start helping you guys out. After a few moments it’s only you and JJ, the rest hovering around the steps to make sure you can get him out. He clutches on a little tighter when you try to step back, “JJ, baby, come on. We’re gonna get out.”

He nods a bit, his lips brushing the skin of your neck briefly, before he pulls away. He doesn’t go very far before he rests his forehead against yours, blinking languidly at you. He looks so tired and it rips your heart to shreds. A deep breath fans out across your face and his eyes close as he pushes his forehead heavier into yours. You stroke his cheeks and place a kiss to the corner of his mouth, running a comforting hand through his hair.

“Come on, baby, let’s go.” He nods his head once more and moves away. You grab his hand and four other hands reach out to help him out. John B gets his free hand first and basically picks him up and out of the hot tub. Once he’s steady on the ground, he immediately turns back to you, watching you get out. He looks so hopeless, young, vulnerable, and seconds away from crumbling to the ground. It only takes you a few seconds to have him in your arms again and moving towards the house.

“I’ll start dinner,” Kie murmurs, nodding towards the bathroom. You smile gratefully at her and shuffle towards the bathroom while the others move into the kitchen. They give you all curious glances before they’re out of sight and you’re alone with JJ.

You sit him down on the toilet and move around to get the shower started. Getting a glass of water from the sink you shove it in his hands and make him drink it. Once he’s done, you fill it up again and give it back with some pain medicine this time. He finishes it quickly and looks up to you. His eyes are watery and red, his bottom lip trembling. You’re not much better, you caught a glance of yourself in the mirror, but you try to hold it in for him. He continues to look at you as you brush your thumbs over his cheekbones, under his eyes, and move a hand through his hair.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers, his bottom lip quivering once again. You start to shake your head, shaking it the whole way down as you try to place a shaky kiss to his lips. He doesn’t kiss back. “No, stop it. I don’t deserve it. I fucked up.”

“JJ, no-“

He cuts you off with an abrupt shake to his head. “No! I did. I fucked up. I always fuck up. My anger gets to me and I’m sorry. You don’t deserve someone who is going to fly off the walls every time something goes wrong. I robbed a fucking drug dealer for fucks sake! And I didn’t even give the money to something good, I wasted it all. All of it.”

JJ let’s out a painful cry as his body deflates, his head coming to rest on your stomach. “I can't do anything right.”

“You were scared of us dying, baby, it’s a decent reason to fly off the walls,” you try to reason but he just vehemently shakes his head.

“No, you shouldn’t be with someone like me!”

“JJ, please. We went over this a few days ago!”

“And look at what all has happened since then. You fought Topper and got hurt because of it. You still have the black eye and the limp from your leg being fucked up! We almost got killed, I robbed a drug dealer, I got beat up by my dad and I almost killed him! Can’t you see how fucked up this is. You don’t need to be here with us! With me!”

You let out a choked sob as he stands up, pushing you out of the way. It's getting steamy in the bathroom, too hot, and it’s making it even harder for you to breathe. JJ looks at you with his own tears in his eyes, “I can’t keep putting you through this.”

“No!” you cry out, hiccuping at the force of it. “No, JJ! I have been with you since I was 9! Nothing has fucking changed! We’ve always loved each other, we just kiss now! You’re not going to end this just because you feel like you’re not worth it! If you weren’t worth it, I wouldn’t have stuck around as long as I have!”

Your chest is heaving and you feel like you’re on the verge of a panic attack. You need to get out of here. Shaking your head, you back up to the door, “Shower, JJ. I’ll put fresh clothes on the sink for you.”

JJ’s entire face crumbles and his shoulders slump forward as if you took every ounce of energy out of him. “I-“

“No, shower.

Stumbling out of the bathroom, arms wrap around you as soon as you’re in the hallway. They’re strong and familiar and you break down as soon as they hold you to their chest. Kie is in front of you a few moments later, cupping your face in her hands and trying anything she can to get you to focus on her. Your breathing is too harsh and your vision is spotty. The next thing you know, your legs are barely holding you up and then you’re on the ground. John B holds you to him and he tries to get you to breathe properly.

It’s all too much. The events of the last few days finally catching up to you and breaking through the surface at full force. JJ getting hurt, twice, by his dad. The Pogues almost dying. JJ stealing a large amount of money. JJ trying to end it, twice in the same week, just because he’s feeling so low. It’s all too much and you just don’t know what to do. The love you hold for JJ, for this entire group, outweighs anything in your life. There’s no way in hell you’d ever be without them. No matter what you go through with them. You choose them every day of your life. It’s never been any other way. Ever.

Kie is still in front of you, her hands still holding onto your face. Her thumbs are swiping across your face and she’s trying to say something but you’re not picking up on it. Blood is rushing through your ears and pounding around in your head. Absolutely no other noise is coming through so you just shake your head, anything to let them know you can’t hear them. Kie seems to understand and she places your hands on her chest, keeping them there. It takes you a few seconds but you realize she’s trying to get you to copy her breathing.

It works. You start to follow her. Follow her hand movements and feel her breathing under your hands. Soon, you can hear everything once more. Kie praising you, John B trying to soothe you, Pope’s voice mumbling from somewhere in the distance, Sarah talking a bunch of nonsense but calming nonsense.

“I’m okay. Everything’s fine. Just lost my breathing there for a second.” You mumble, sitting up a bit. Kie reaches out to you quickly when you sway in your spot a bit. You do feel a bit dizzy. “I’m fine. Just tired.”

“Come on, let’s get you some food and water,” John B says, hoisting you up with him as he stands. “You know JJ isn’t going anywhere. He’s not going to break up with you.”

You nod, “I know. It still panics me to hear it.”

Sarah comes up next with the food you and Kie had bought earlier in the day and a glass of water. You smile thankfully at her and sit down at the dining room table, not making any movement to eat it. John B sits down in front of you and places a hand on your knee, “Has this happened before?”

“Mm, remember that time about 5 months ago when I didn’t come around for a few days? Right after the first time JJ’s dad beat on him in months?”

Both Kie and John B nod. “JJ was unbearable to be around,” Kie groans.

An unamused chuckle falls past your lips and you shake your head, “Yeah.....” you trail off. “He told me that he wasn’t worth it. That he was too weak to be with me. That if he couldn’t even defend himself against his father then he wouldn’t be able to handle anything else, even a relationship. I told him to leave and only come back when he came to his senses. It was harsh but I needed him to realize the only thing that changed was that we kissed, now.”

“He’s scared of losing you,” John B states.

“He is,” you agree, “of all of us. He feels if he does it on his own terms, it’ll be ok. That we’ll leave if we think he’s weak. But he doesn’t always think like that, it’s only when he gets into it with his dad.”

It goes silent after that, the words sinking into everyone’s brains. You pick at your food a bit, eating a few bites as Kie puts together plates for everyone else. Sarah sits down beside John B and Kie comes to sit next to you, placing a comforting hand to your leg. Sending her a quick smile, you grab her hand and hold it to you. The conversation starts to pick up around you and you try to listen, you really do but your mind is just quiet. It’s blank to anything other than JJ.

Your heart aches at the thought of JJ being in pain. Physical or emotional pain. He does stupid things but he doesn’t deserve the things he goes through. There’s not much that he hasn’t gone through since the time you’ve met and you’d like to be able to protect him from the bad things of the world. No matter how often he tries to push you away when he feels like he doesn’t deserve the love.

“Okay,” Pope breathes out as he walks into the dining area. “He’s out of the shower,” he comments, resting a hand to your shoulder, “are you okay?”

Glancing around at everyone, they’re all staring at you expectantly. If you could guess, they’ve probably been staring at you long before Pope asked if you were okay. You nod and you’re about to give a more reassuring answer when you hear shuffling behind Pope. He turns around and you get a full few of JJ, he’s wrapped up in a hoodie that’s too big for him, his face is swollen and a bit blotchy. He looks like he would be twelve and it makes your heart clench in your chest, a lump forming in your throat at his glossy eyes.

He looks at you and only you, “Can we go to bed?” You look away and to your hands, to the one that Kie has wrapped firmly in hers. “I’ve calmed down, please?” When you look back up at him, the glossiness of his eyes is now watery with unshed tears. “Please?”

There’s absolutely no way in the world you’d ever be able to say no to such a sad boy. To the boy in general. JJ turns around as soon as you stand up and you don’t even think twice about following him. He gets into bed, turning his back to you and you follow. You wrap yourself around him, shoving an arm under his head and one around his waist. Both hands press flat into his chest as you mold yourself against his back. Knees to knees, chest to back, and JJ lacing your fingers together.

“I’m so sorry,” he whispers, placing a kiss to your fingers, “I know that you wouldn’t be with me unless I was worth it to you. I’m sorry that I get knocked down so much that I feel useless to everyone. Especially you. I never want to be anything less than enough for you.”

You press a kiss to the back of his neck, “You’ve always been enough for me, JJ. Always.” You pull on his shoulder a bit, trying to get him to turn over. When he does, you place a hand on his cheek, soothing over the skin there, “You’ve always been enough for me, JJ. You have nothing to apologize for. You’ve been beaten down your whole life, that is not your fault.”

A tear slips down his cheek and you wipe it away. The motion makes him press a kiss to your wrist. “You’re the person that keeps me going,” JJ whispers. “I’m nothing without you.”

“Don’t say that, JJ.” you shake your head. He’s so much more than that. So much more. “You’re caring, loving, protective, sympathetic, and empathetic. I’m just a perk to your qualities.”

That pulls a giggle out of JJ. A few tears slipping from his eyes at the surprise of laughter. You push forward to place a kiss to his lips. Loving the feeling of him actually kissing you back this time. He pushes in deeper, an arm around your waist, pulling your bodies flush. You kiss with so much intensity, it knocks you on your back and JJ follows, hovering over you as he kisses back with just as much. It makes your blood warm, makes you feel like you’re on fire as his free hand trails down over your waist, over your hip and to the back of your thigh to hitch it over his own hip.

The passion being exchanged is absolutely mind blowing, your brain short circuiting at the overwhelming feeling of love flowing between the two of you. It’s ardent and you want nothing more for it to continue but when you slip a hand over JJ’s ribs, he winces, sucking in a deep breath against your lips.

“I’m sorry,” you breathe out, quickly switching positions with him and pushing up his hoodie, “I forgot.”

“It’s okay. I definitely just forgot about them.” JJ wiggles his eyebrows at you as the hand on your thigh moves to caress the skin. “Let’s continue to forget about them.”

You place three quick, consecutive, sticky kisses to his lips before moving down to place one on his chin, to the base of his neck at his throat. Before placing delicate kisses over the battered skin of his torso. JJ’s breathing hitches in his throat and he lets out a watery sigh when your lips brush over the sensitive skin of his ribs. The hand on your thigh squeezes tightly at your movement, almost as a warning, but you ignore it and continue to sprinkle your love over the bruises on his skin. You know it won’t heal them but you can wish that it will.

A groan is punched out of JJ when your tongue lightly brushes over one of the bruises above his belly button and you chuckle a little bit. He’s turned into a bit of a heaving mess, gasping for air. You know it feels weird, like a mixture of pain and pleasure and JJ has no idea how to react to it. So, he just breathes heavily. He moves one hand to lace his fingers with yours as the other rests at the bottom of your spine.

Placing a few more kisses to the bruise over his right rib, you pull his hoodie back down over his stomach, and move up to place a few kisses on his neck. He moves his head to the side to give you some room and you suck a bruise into the juncture of his neck, right where it meets with his shoulder. A soft moan escapes him as you do. “There,” you kiss over your work when you pull away. “A good bruise to look at. One from love, not hate.”

The breath JJ lets out sounds more like a sob and he pushes into you once again. Wrapping his arms around you and shoving his face into your neck, he’s almost completely settled on top of you once he gets comfortable. He kisses at your skin, where he can reach, a few times and squeezes you as if you’re the only thing keeping him alive. You hold him back tightly, giving him the comfort he needs.

“I love you, you know,” he murmurs.

You kiss at his hairline, “I know.”

He doesn’t fall asleep until he repeats his I know, back to you.

-

-

JJ was finally feeling back to normal. The few days after his breakdown in the hot tub, things were a bit tense. A little too quiet for his liking. The day after, he laid in bed all day really only getting up to pee. He didn’t eat until you had come back to the Chateau, after doing something with your parents, and forced him to eat something. You had to basically force feed him to eat the food you made for him. He was grateful for you, you kept him together when all he wanted to do was break down. JJ was positive that there’d never be another person to care for him quite like you do.

Yesterday, the entire Chateau was empty when he woke up and it unsettled him a bit. It was never a good thing when it was quiet around there and he didn’t think he could handle anything else that was bad. He wandered around a bit, pulling on a hoodie because he didn't really want everyone else to stare him down, until he found everyone sitting at the hammocks. It was barely sunrise and he was confused as to why everyone was up already for no reason, and why they hadn’t woken him up either. You looked up from your spot in the hammock as he approached and held your arms out. He climbed in with you immediately and fell asleep only seconds later, to the sound of you quietly talking with Kie. The rest of the day was spent in bed with you, everyone giving him space to regroup. It was nice. He got kisses and other things that made him feel like himself.

Then today, everything is relatively back to how it should be. With loud laughter, stupid jokes, and sarcastic comments. Today is a day out on the HMS Pogue and JJ is absolutely loving it. There’s nothing he loves more than being out with his friends. With the people he loves and cares for the most as you all do stupid shit togeher. It’s his favorite thing. Also, to feel your skin against his, especially when it’s a bit warm and sweaty. That just feels nice. It's a major plus.

You’re currently resting against his side, his arm slung over your shoulder and his hand resting comfortably between your boobs. You’re laughing at something Sarah said and it’s probably the most relaxed he’s seen you in a few weeks. Your head thrown back, nearly resting on his clavicle and your hand slapping against his thigh. He wishes he was paying attention to what was being said, just so he could repeat it to see you laugh like this again. So carefree, the way that you should always be.

The sun is beating down harshly on everyone, making everyone sweat just a bit but no one seems uncomfortable by it. In fact everyone just settles in more, sitting in complete bathing suits and drinking beer.

“Did you guys really start dating? And not tell us?” Pope asks out of nowhere, completely unprompted. But the more he stares at Pope, the more he realizes he was just lazily kissing at the side of your neck where he just so happened to be resting his head.

“Yeah!” John B exclaims, resting back in the drivers seat of the boat, Sarah settling with him, “What the fuck is up with that?”

JJ shrugs, “Wanted to be able to mack on my girl in private.”

“JJ, shut up.” You laugh, sitting up and making him go with you. “We just wanted to make sure it was serious? I guess. Wanted to make sure that it wasn’t just silly feelings from knowing each other for so long. It would’ve felt different if everyone knew.”

“We wouldn’t have judged,” Kie says, leaning in with her elbows on her knees.

“It wasn’t about that,” You shake your head, “it was more like, nothing is really private with us. We share everything with each other. And this was something that needed to be figured out with just the two of us. Nothing really changed between us so then we just kinda forgot to mention it.”

JJ can’t help but wrap an arm around you. Kissing you the night that he did was the best decision he’s ever made in his life. He took a leap of faith and it was the right thing to do. The moment you kissed him back he knew that everything was right, nothing could ever be wrong about his decision. He had a feeling things were changing between the two of you for a few months. Jealousy was shining through when one or the other would end up flirting with someone at a party. Touches were getting more intimate and possessive. The flirting was getting more and more serious.

You have been a constant in his life since he was nine. Always the first person who was willing to listen to his crazy ideas or go on his absurd adventures. You were the first one he went to every time his dad hit him. The only person that ever saw him in that moment of vulnerability. And that’s still to this day. You’re the only person he trusts, truly trusts. He knows that you’d never turn against him with the things he’s told you, shown you. You have years of knowledge on him, and he you, that you could crush him in a heartbeat but he knows you never will. You’ll never betray him. Even if you weren’t in his life anymore, there’s no way you’d ever do that. He just knows.

And he doesn’t even want to think about that possibility. You not being in his life just doesn’t make sense. He doesn’t want to find out what it’d be like.

“You know, we’ve known for months.” Kie laughs, pulling JJ out of his thoughts.

You gasp at her words, “What? How?”

“I saw your guys’ first kiss.” John B smiles, looking all sorts of smug.

“I’m pretty sure you didn’t,” JJ chuckles, taking a sip of his beer. “It was at a party only we went to when we were 14.”

“Wait, what?” You question, turning to look at him.

JJ smirks, “Mhmm, remember the first time you smoked with me?” he looks to you for affirmation. When you nod, he continues, “Remember the game of truth or dare? You were dared to make out with the person you thought was the hottest. It was me.”

Your mouth drops open in shock, “Holy shit. That’s right. How could I forget?” The red suddenly tinting your cheeks is enough to make JJ’s heart skip a beat. To know he has such an affect on you, makes him feel good.

“You can’t handle your shit, baby,” he teases, leaning forward to flick at your forehead. You gasp and try to smack him but he grabs your wrist, leaning in to kiss you instead.

“Who knew they could get more annoying?” Pope groans. “You guys should’ve kept this to yourselves.”

“They were getting sloppy Pope,” Kie shrugs, “they wouldn’t have been able to hide it for much longer. You see the gross amount of love that oozes out of them when they look at each other.”

Everyone starts laughing but you just look at JJ and the look that's shining in your eyes is the same one they’re talking about. He knows the same thing must be reflecting in his own eyes because you lean forward and press a sweet kiss to his lips. On that he greedily accepts and returns. He smirks when he pulls away, placing a kiss to your forehead.

“So, John B what kiss did you see then?”

“One night in the hammock, like last year some time. I saw it and then the next days you guys were just different.” He shrugs, pulling Sarah into him some more.

You move into his side once again and look to Kie, “When did you notice?”

“Like six months ago?” She turns her head from side to side, trying to remember. “It was after breakfast at John B’s one morning. You guys thought you were alone in the kitchen. JJ was the one cleaning the kitchen, oddly, and you were on the counter by the sink. The way you were talking, it was about a date and you said that you loved each other but it was different than the way you’d usually say it. I left after that.”

JJ’s heart is starting to beat a little quicker in his chest. Something about talking about you or your relationship together just makes him excited. He loves it. He loves you.

“Pope?”

“Saw the secret hand holding at The Wreck one afternoon. Thought it was weird, seeing as you held hands all the time. There was no need to hide it but your fingers were doing that soft caress thing, it was obvious.” He says the whole thing like he’s disinterested in the topic. It makes JJ laugh.

“I think it’s amazing how long you’ve all known each other.” Sarah smiles and it makes a smile appear on everyone’s face.

John B then decides it's time to move the boat, to go somewhere to swim. Everyone gets excited, standing up and removing any leftover clothing, while the boat is moving, so once it’s anchored the swimming can begin without any sort of hesitation. It was too hot out now.

But then the boat comes to an abrupt stop and a few high pitched screams fill JJ’s ears before a splash of water. He’s been jolted to the very front of the bow, hitting his head on the seat there. It takes him a moment to connect the dots before he stands up to make sure everyone is okay. Kie and Pope are a couple inches away from him, groaning as they sit back up. John B rubbing his head, clearly hitting it on the window in front of him. And Sarah regains her balance as she stands up from the bench behind John B. You were nowhere in sight.

“Y/n!” He yells out, scrambling to his feet. “Baby! Where’s y/n!”

That seems to knock everyone out of their stupor and scramble to their feet. “JJ!” you groan out just as he spots your hand on the side of the boat. A cry rips through you as JJ and Pope rush to try and pull you up into the boat. You rip yourself away from them before they even get a chance to reach you properly.

“Baby, what’s wrong? Come on, grab onto me!” JJ yells, trying to keep in his panic. He has no idea if you’re hurt or not and the fact that you’re crying isn’t helping settle him at all.

“JJ! Please get me out of this fucking water!” You yell out, reaching up for him once more.

He immediately bends down, the panic in your voice, making him desperate to get you into the boat. He hears everyone else yelling, asking what happened, wondering why you’re having such a hard time getting out on your own, asking if you’re okay. But he ignores them all, finally getting his hand in yours and reaching down below your elbow to haul you up. Pope on the other side doing the same. You crash into him and with the force of his movement to pull you up and over the edge, he falls back into the other side of the boat, you landing on top of him.

You cry out in pain and flinch away from him, “Holy shit,” Pope gapes as he helps sit you up.

“What!” JJ exclaims, sitting up, running his eyes all over your body to find what’s wrong. It doesn’t take long for him to land on the giant red mark covering almost the entirety of your abdomen. “Oh, fuck. A jellyfish got you?”

“What?” You gasp, looking down to where his attention is. Kie shoves a water into your hand and Sarah sits behind you, wrapping her arms across the top of your chest. “Fuck,” you sigh out when you catch sight of it.

“Did you not feel that?” John B asks and JJ looks up to him for a second before back to you, trying to catch your eye. If you didn’t feel that, something else must be wrong.

“No! I think my ankle is broken!” You yell out, startling JJ a bit. He trails his eyes down your body until he reaches your ankle and fuck. Yeah.

“That looks broken,” Pope voices his thoughts perfectly.

“What the fuck happened, John B?” JJ snaps, his anger getting to him quickly. You getting hurt is the quickest way to get him angry. He hates seeing you hurt. In any way.

“The last storm must’ve changed the stream or something. We hit a sand bank. We haven’t been out here since then,” John B explains. “Let’s get back to the Chateau, we have to get y/n to the hospital.

JJ grabs your face in his hands and wipes away the water there. “Are you hurt anywhere else?”

“No, I don’t think so,” you breathe out. It comes out in a harsh breath, like you’re in too much pain and it sends a wave of panic through JJ. You’re never one to show that you were in pain unless it was an unbearable amount.

“Are you sure?”

He watches as you clench your eyes shut, trying to regulate your breathing. You just nod your head, not opening your eyes again. JJ places a kiss to your cheek and moves down in a line until he meets your lips. He lets out a breath when you kiss him back. Anything to keep you distracted. He pulls back and looks around to everyone else, not knowing what else he can do. Kie has a hand gripped tight in hers, Sarah is running her fingers through your hair, and Pope is holding your leg steady from the bouncing of the boat. JJ feels absolutely useless.

And it’s like you can sense his distress because you grab onto one of his hands and squeeze tight. “JJ stop overthinking. Tell me something. Tell me a story.”

So he quickly jumps into recounting one of your many dates. Asking if you remember it. Telling you how you looked in your outfit, how you made him feel. How much he loves going on dates with you. How he likes that you like to go surfing with him, hiking, biking, anything that requires physical activity. You giggle and laugh at parts that are funny, at how he nearly puked before picking you up to go on your first official date. Everyone else joined in on the laughs too. Soaking up the information they’re receiving.

It helps because you stop crying and wincing at every little movement and it helps calm JJ down as well. He picks you up into his arms when the boat docks and everyone rushes to gather the necessities and get you to the van. JJ lays you down and rests your head in his lap as he continues to tell you about how much he just loves doing simple things with you. Grocery shopping. Clothes shopping, the dishes. Eating food. Anything he can think of, he tells you. He just wants you to know how much he loves you. It’s the only thing he can think of doing. He doesn’t know why but it’s the only thing rattling around in his brain.

How much he loves you.

When the van pulls up to the hospital, everyone is still in a mad panic. It startles the nurses and those in the emergency room when 6 teenagers come bursting into the waiting room, in near hysterics. They don’t really handle each other being in pain well.

The nurse forces him to stay in the waiting room, putting a hand to his chest when he tries to follow you back more than once. You look at him and tell him it’s okay, that you’ll be okay, and as soon as it’s fine he can come back. It does nothing to settle him and he just paces back and forth in front of the 4 other Pogues.

“JJ, sit down. She’s going to be fine.”

“I know,” he sighs, stopping. “She just scared the shit out of me. If she had hit her head instead of her ankle on the side of the boat, she could’ve drowned.”

John B stands to bring him into a hug, “But she didn’t. She’s okay and you’ll see her in a bit.”

And he was right. The doctor came out about twenty minutes later and let JJ go back since your parents weren’t there yet. The rest of the Pogues decided to wait in the waiting room no matter what, saying that they would like to see you too but for obvious reasons to let JJ go first. He’s thankful for that because he feels like he’s about to vibrate right out of his skin.

“Hey, tough stuff,” he jokes as he walks into your room. Your eyes open and you smile at him lazily.

“Hi, baby,” you murmur, reaching a hand out for him. You make grabby hands at him until he’s in reach and it makes him laugh.

He grabs onto your hand and leans down to place a kiss to your lips. You’re still in your bikini but it looks like the sting on your stomach has been taken care of and the lower half of your leg is in a black cast. “Hi, baby,” he whispers back once he meets your eyes again. “How’re you feeling?”

“Well now,” you let out a giggle, “I’m feeling absolutely great. The pain medicine they have me on is wonderful.”

JJ lets out a laugh and caresses your cheek, “You’re higher than a kite, my love.”

You let out a laugh, “Damn straight. You should be so jealous.”

“Oh,” JJ nods, “I am. Don’t you worry about that.”

You let out a content hum, nestling into his hand a bit. Closing your eyes, you rest back into your pillow. “I broke my ankle. And the jellyfish sting isn’t as bad as it looks.”

He runs a hand through your matted hair, “You scared the shit out of me.”

“I’m fine, baby,” you mumble, giving him the smile that melts his entire being. And when you open up your eyes he can see that you really mean it. “Did you really think our dates were that good?”

“Everything we do is that amazing,” JJ points out.

Pulling on his hand, you murmur, “Come take a nap with me. Please. I would like to be close to you. Help me relax.”

JJ doesn’t hesitate to slip into the bed next to you, the vibration of his skin is still there and he knows that it won’t go away until he’s close to you. You turn your back to him and he settles in behind you, curving his body around yours. His arm wraps around your middle and his hand comes to rest on your chest, your steading heartbeat calming down the vibration of his body. You melt down against him and he just holds you to him even tighter.

“I would appreciate it if you stopped getting hurt,” he murmurs, moving your hair out of the way to kiss at the back of your shoulder.

“Yeah, so would I.”

“How about we both stop getting hurt,” JJ suggests, his kisses moving up to the side of your neck. His heart rate has calmed down significantly in just the few seconds of laying here.

“I can do that,” you hum, resting further into his front. “You don’t have to promise it, but just know I’ll always be there to help you when you do get hurt.”

JJ feels a lump form in his throat at your words. He knows what you mean, it’s not something you have to explain to him. You turn your head to look at him up and over your shoulder, a smile gracing your face. JJ nearly cries at the sight, the beautiful sight that it is leaves him breathless. When you pucker your lips, JJ obliges, swooping down in no time and pressing a firm kiss to your lips. His skin tingles at the feeling and he wishes you were anywhere else than in a damn hospital.

“I love you, you know.” You smile at him, kissing at his lips once again.

“I know.” he says against your lips.

If there’s one thing he knows. He knows that you love him. That you’ve given him love every day since the day you met. The only person to give him continuous love, love that he needs. And he knows that you know how much he loves you. How much he will always love you.

So, when you finally fall asleep, nestled in his arms, he sleeps. He sleeps comfortably. The only way he can, when you’re with him

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

please feed my narcissism 

my masterlist is in my bio

[queeenpersephone]

Prompt request for Scully overhearing Mulder talk about how much he loves her with her mom.

hey anon! god i love this prompt - haven't decided about expanding and putting it on ao3, but here you go!

aka the one time mulder had the msr collective braincell.

-

Mulder kissed her last night, and she turned him away.

It’s almost too big a moment to fathom. It should’ve been like a movie: she’s dying, he loves her, she loves him, and maybe if it were a movie he would kiss her and the tumor behind her eyes would retreat into nothingness.

But this isn’t a movie. And Mulder is her best friend, her partner, the only person she truly trusts, the only man she’s ever loved beyond distraction. She’s already terrified of what will become of him when she leaves him alone in the world, so she pushes him away and hates herself for wanting to make him hate her a little.

Maybe by denying him, she can help him to move on before she’s gone.

God - just that thought sends a dagger through her heart. She closes her eyes and forces the image of her funeral behind her eyelids, picturing Mulder standing there with an arm around her mother. Her mother is crying, but maybe Mulder is thinking - at least we didn’t - at least she wasn’t -

She gasps, eyes fluttering open to see the ceiling of the hospital room. She can’t picture it. But that’s what it has to be, because to allow him into her arms months or weeks before her arms can no longer hold him has to be more painful than the alternative. Mulder is instinctive, reckless, impetuous. If he will not think about how he will feel at her grave, she will hold back for the both of them.

“Fox..? Dana didn’t tell me you were coming today.”

Scully’s eyes widen, her gaze darting to the door. Her mom is the one who picks her up after her chemo treatments and settles her at home. This is a strategic move on Scully’s part: she knows she can convince her mom to leave her to her own devices in about an hour. If she allowed Mulder to be a part of this process, his sharp eyes would pick up on her chronic pain and he would’ve already moved from his apartment onto her couch despite her wishes. Mulder cannot see her after chemo.

“Hi Mrs. Scully - yeah, I noticed she hadn’t restocked her muscle relaxant cream when I was over last night, and I know she didn’t have time to go shopping before her treatment today. Is she awake?”

The door creaks open, and Scully does her best to ensure this moment will pass without a confrontation from her partner. It’s a difficult thing to feign sleep when tears are welling in the corner of your eyes. If Mulder noticed her lack of cream, it would’ve had to have been after she turned him down cold and retreated into her room.

“Not yet,” her mother says softly as the door returns to its position of just barely cracked open. “That’s so thoughtful of you, Fox. You know how difficult Dana makes it for others to take care of her.”

Scully’s heart hurts when Mulder hums in agreement. It’s for the best, she tells herself. For Mulder. “I can take her home, Mrs. Scully. When I got to the store - well, I went a little overboard.” He sounds sheepish. “There’s - uh - some groceries in my car. Bath salts. You know, the works.”

Her mother sighs. “Oh Fox. Well, in case I’m the only one you hear this from, thank you. Dana appreciates it all, I’m sure.”

Scully swallows hard. Has she been unappreciative? It’s not that her heart doesn’t stop when Mulder turns on his charm, his soft protectiveness and concern, but it’s a slippery slope. As much as part of her wants to fold herself into his arms and disappear for a few hours - days - the independent, rational part of her fears losing them both if they come together.

“It’s not like that,” he defends them, and her heart swells. “Scully - Dana - doesn’t need to thank me. I owe her - she’s my -”

The words stop, and Scully carefully swings her legs over the side of the bed and leans forward. She hears soft little sounds coming from the door, but no words.

“Oh Fox,” her mother chokes out finally, and Scully’s eyes widen when she realizes they’re both crying. “You’ve made my daughter so happy.”

“It’s impossible that I’ve made her happier than she’s made me,” he denies fiercely. “I love her.”

And Scully has already heard those words last night, but god help her if her heart doesn’t thud heavily in her chest at the affirmation. “Have you told her that?” Her mother asks, the chiding tone in her voice slight but noticeable.

“It doesn’t matter,” he replies, sounding defeated. “She won’t change her mind about us.” Both Scully and her mother wait for his explanation with bated breath. “I know Dana, Mrs. Scully. She’s selfless - she doesn’t want to hurt me by - well - lovin’ and leavin’.” He sighs audibly. “She’s also blind,” he adds, and Scully’s hackles rise unconsciously until she hears his next words. “She doesn’t realize that the way I feel - it’s not going to be better because we never… it’s not going to be worse, either. I can’t imagine anything we do or don’t do now making this outcome any better or worse, because it’s going to be hell on earth. I wonder every second of every day if I can survive it.”

“Oh Fox,” her mother begins, but she is interrupted by the heart wrenching sobs that Scully can no longer withhold.

The door bursts open, and Mulder is there, eyes wide. “Scully,” he manages, eyes scanning her weak and fragile body, his heart in his eyes, turning from horror to resignation to determination as he strides forward and scoops her up in strong arms. “Oh Scully, didn’t you know?”

She shakes in his arms, shakes her head, doesn’t look at her mother as she closes her partner and her in the small hospital room together. “You weren’t just saying those -” She stops as Mulder stiffens; she can feel the unmistakable anger oozing from his pores. “I’m sorry,” she interrupts herself.

“Don’t be sorry,” he murmurs as he sits back on the bed with her in his lap, cradling her close. “You don’t have to be anything but alive, Scully. Just stay alive.”

So she closes her eyes, lets him hold her, and focuses on keeping her own heart beating. For Mulder.

For that bright future where she can finally allow them to fall together.

tagging @today-in-fic !

[vizowrites]

“We” vs “Me”| or “Why BlitzStrike Works So Well For Me But Stolitz [as of episode 6].....Doesn’t”

Alright my Loves, so I said that I was going to talk in further detail about my feelings regarding Stolas and the multi-layered portrayal of his relationship with Blitz in the new episode, and today’s the day where that happens!!  First of all, though, before I really get into my feelings about things, I want to just make it ABUNDANTLY clear that I’m not trying to sway anyone from one side to the other, or trying to shame anyone for shipping two fictional characters.  I’m fully in the boat that you are completely entitled to ship whoever you want, but I also think it’s wise to at least be able to recognize the faults and flaws in a pairing--and especially to be able to recognize them in the context of an IRL relationship.  In this analysis in particular, I’m specifically focusing on these two relationships within the realm of the Helluva Boss universe [......Hell] and within the specific context of their characters as they’ve been portrayed in the show thus far.  And, my biggest disclaimer of all: I’m doing this for no other reason than I felt like putting my jumbled thoughts together into a cohesive post so that they don’t have to stay bouncing and buzzing around in my head.  Please keep that in mind that this is just pure personal opinion and interpretation before anyone comes at me with torches and pitchforks.  <3 <3 

SO WITH THAT LONG ASS DISCLAIMER OUT OF THE WAY 

Let’s finally get to the good stuff.  And the not so good stuff.  :D

So I don’t think it’s a surprise to anyone who follows me here that I’m a huge BlitzStrike fan.  What I think fewer people know is that when I first entered the fandom a few months ago, I actually was on board the Stolitz train like so many others that I’ve met here in the fandom.  Naturally Stolitz was the first major pairing I was introduced to, and I did find both the characters of Blitz and Stolas incredibly interesting and compelling in their own rights AND saw the potential in how they could really come to grow into one hell of a relationshp over time.  I was honestly really excited to see it happen, too.  

And then I watched Episode 5 [still my favorite episode, btw] for the first time and had this sudden question hit me like a truck that even now is still relentlessly burning in the back of my mind because I still haven’t found a legitimate answer for it: Why in the FUCK wasn’t Blitz falling head-over-heels in attraction to Striker throughout this fucking episode??

And I don’t mean that in a “They’re so hot and I ship them now why didn’t they get together?? DX DX” kind of way--I mean that in the genuinely perplexed “I don’t understand based on what has been presented to me thus far about Blitz as a character and the storyline overall why he’s reacting so nonchalantly to this whole thing”.  To Note: This is me wondering this from the context of what’s in the show itself, not from any extra fan materials like the Instas or Twitter or just straight up knowing that the most likely answer is that there are people on the creative team that ship Stolitz really hard and realistically wouldn’t have probably written Blitz as being attracted to Striker because that would just be--to quote Jack Sparrow--blowing holes in their own ship.  No, this is me disregarding ALL of that and trying to rationalize this with myself from the perspective of a fan whose entire knowledge of the show and its characters comes exclusively from what’s in the episodes themselves.  .....And that’s where I just can’t find my answer, except for the Stolitz positive “He’s not attracted to Striker because he’s in love with Stolas” answer.  Which really doesn’t even feel like a satisfying answer, because the entire vibe I’ve gotten from Stolitz in the show has just felt.....strangely.....off.  Like, the framework is there and the elements are there, but I’d felt as though they had so far to go still that it would be entire SEASONS before they got there.    

And THEN the new episode [Episode 6] came out and I’d heard a handful of fans going crazy because the show was finally addressing Stolitz in full, and I thought to myself, “Well, maybe if the show really is going to go with saying that the reason Blitz wasn’t interested in Striker is because he’s in love with Stolas.....sure.  I’m curious to see how they finally establish it in an episode, especially since there’s only two more episodes left in the entire first season.”  And then I watched the episode.  And then it hit me why Stolitz just does not do a damn thing for me but BlitzStrike does despite the fact that we’ve had 4/6 episodes [5/7 if you count the Pilot] of Stolitz but only 1/6 [1/7] of potential--not even canonical--BlitzStrike:

When Striker talks about Blitz, or interacts with Blitz, he always talks about them as a “we”.  As a team.  A partnership.  OR he just straight up puts the entire focus on Blitz and his accomplishments and keeps himself out of it entirely.

When Stolas talks about Blitz, he always talks about them within the context of “me”--of himself--of what Blitz does or should do for him.  Even here in episode 6, in the most “selfless” instance we’ve seen yet, where he does ask about Blitz’s safety first BEFORE going right back into how Blitz’s actions affect him and what Blitz should be doing in response for him.  Stolas’s focus is always automatically set to himself--and even when it comes to the people he supposedly loves the most.  

To explain what I mean here, let me give some examples directly from the show itself, starting with the Stolas side of things: 

Episode 1

Blitz, in the middle of trying to hide so much that he actually clamps both of his hands over his mouth just to muffle the sound of his own breathing, knowing damn well that this psychotic bitch who already shot him once won’t hesitate to do it again if she finds him.....gets a call from Stolas.  Stolas, who we clearly see from his leisurely hang out time in his bubble bath, is literally watching this happen and is fully aware that calling Blitz right then was potentially putting him in danger. But what does he say when he gets Blitz on the phone?  He offers--not help--but Blitz the use of his book in exchange for monthly sex.  Stolas literally uses Blitz’s peril as leverage here--consciously or not, though given the fact that he knows the situation at hand, I’d find it very hard to argue that he didn’t do this on purpose--just to get him to agree to be his bootycall until further notice.  

Stolas not only doesn’t lift a finger to help Blitz once in all of this--even at the moment where he and Millie are about to be shot in the face--but instead continues to stay on the phone talking about all of the things he wants for their upcoming future rendezvous.  He already got exactly what he wanted out of this and he still just continues to go for more for himself.

Episode 2

.....There are honestly so many fucked up things that happen here as far as Stolas and his relationship with Blitz goes but honestly the thing I want to draw the MOST attention to is actually Stolas’s storyline with his daughter, Octavia.  I know it’s a little left field, but bear with me--this is actually something I want to use as comparison for Stolas’s relationship to Blitz as we go along:

When Stolas first decides that he’s going to take his daughter to Loo Loo Land, he does so while completey setting aside the fact that she doesn’t want to go.  He just offers her assurances that it’s going to be so much fun because he remembers that she loved it so much when she was a little girl--effectively putting his memory above her wishes even as she’s sitting right there and telling him that she doesn’t enjoy the idea of going now.  

Stolas doesn’t actually notice just how uncomfortable he’s making Octavia throuhought their entire trip by spending his time sexually harassing paying more attention to Blitz than he is trying to cheer her up.  This tells me that Stolas--though I do believe he genuinely wanted to do something to make her happy--still wasn’t able to completely overcome his own self-centered tendencies at first even when it’s for her.  And this is the person that Stolas loves more than anyone or anything else in the entire world. It still wasn’t enough.

It’s only when Octavia runs off and completely breaks down that Stolas finally gets the much needed slap-to-the-face of reality to understand just what he’s putting his daughter through--and, for the first time in the entire show, he actually puts someone else’s needs and well being above himself.  It’s the one solid honest display of love that we see from Stolas in the entire show--and it’s how we as the audience come to learn that that’s how Stolas shows that he loves someone: When he puts their needs above his own with no strings attached or expectations of something in return.  A true selfless act just because he loves them.  **Keep in mind the parallel of Stolas carrying Octavia out of Loo Loo Land at the end, and how it compares to Stolas carrying Blitz out of D.H.O.R.K.S headquarters.

Episode 5

The. Fucking. Cigarette.  I had no idea that something so small and quick would be able to infuriate me as much as it did, but the fact that Blitz used the post sex cigarette to free Stolas from his wrist bondage but then Stolas turned around and put the cigarette out on Blitz’s horn which is literally a part of Blitz’s body just.....honestly it sums up exactly what I’m trying to get across in this entire huge ass post: Stolas only ever thinks of himself first and anything pertaining to anyone else just doesn’t cross his mind at all unless you blatantly put it there in front of his face.  And the fact that he’s still at this point with Blitz all the way here in Episode 5 is not.....promising for their relationship.

The fact that Stolas literally cannot stop himself from calling Blitz “Blitzy” or talking to him in such a condescending way no matter how frustrated Blitz gets and how many times he asks him to stop.  I just--how is that supposed to be interpreted as someone talking to a person that they love?  There’s no respect or dignity given to Blitz at all on Stolas’s part, and the fact that it seems to be presented as a “Oh teehee it’s just their cute couple thing” is just.....I really, really don’t like that.  It also doesn’t match with the Stolas in the very next episode which I quite frankly think is because the creators have been listening to the feedback from fans and were like “We need to SHOW THEM that Stolas actually does speak to Blitz respectfully!!” but that’s just my personal opinion there and, also, it still didn’t happen.  

Episode 6 

Keeping in mind that THIS is finally the episode where we see Stolas actually save Blitz from danger and demonstrate even the slightest inclination towards his well-being.....I think that honestly makes the next few things here even more fucked up

First and foremost: “WE”.  The second after Stolas asks if Blitz is alright and gets the assurance that he is, he roughly grabs his cheek and points out that “If you get in trouble, I get in trouble!  WE don’t want that”.  The fact that this is the first time that Stolas ever talks about Blitz in the context of “we”--when really what he’s really saying is that him [Stolas] getting in trouble is going to be a bad thing for all of them--is just.....so, so disappointing.  At least with this I could hope that perhaps the idea here is that Stolas is genuinely afraid that if he gets in trouble, he won’t be able to protect Blitz from the undoubtedly much worse trouble that he would be in as an imp, but still.  The fact that Stolas immediately reverts back to his self-centered perspective so quickly after supposedly being so worried about Blitz’s wellbeing, really makes it seem as though it’s just his own ass that he’s trying to protect.  And that.....isn’t  exactly what I’d been expecting from “the episode that confirms Stolitz is canon” feedback I’d been hearing.

"Am I going to get ANY thank you for the rescue Bltizy?”  This for me was kind of what actually lead to me having this whole epiphany over Stolas’s selfish perspective in the first place.  I realized that even here--even when he’s just been the most “romantic” towards Blitz that he’s ever been in any previous episodes up until now [and yes this shift in his character was incredibly jarring for me because of that]--Stolas still goes right back to thinking about what he’s going to get out of this now that he knows Blitz is safe.  Let’s take this back to that thing I was saying about Episode 2 and comparing how Stolas rescued Octavia and how he rescues Blitz.  Obviously they’re going to be different because it’s Stolas’s daughter vs his hook up BUT just think about where the focus is for Stolas in both of these scenes.  With Octavia, Stolas is entirely focused on making things up to her--taking her to do something she wants to do--even if it’s something that he himself doesn’t fully understand or isn’t fully into.  That doesn’t matter though, because the entire point is that he’s doing something just for her.  It doesn’t have to be about him.  But now go back to the scene where Stolas is carrying Blitz out of the room.  What does he do?  Ask what Blitz is going to do for him.  That just takes the idea that this scene was a confirmation of their love and throws it right out the window.  Stolas--as we’ve been shown before--would never ask for something in return from someone that he actually loves.  

Now let’s take a look at the one and only episode we have of Striker and Blitz interacting together, with an honorary shout out at hallucination!Striker’s appearance in Episode 6: 

Episode 5: 

Striker knows Blitz’s name.....and he uses it.  He’s literally the ONLY other character that we’ve seen so far refer to Blitz as “Blitz” instead of “Blitzo” or “Blitzy” by someone who wasn’t a member of I.M.P..  Aka someone who wasn’t a member of Blitz’s family.  He shows Blitz respect at that basest level, and only builds on that from there going forward.

Striker first recognizes Blitz for being “the bold imp that started his own killin’ biz”.  Not his hotness, not his skills in the Harvest Moon games because at that point he hasn’t seen them yet.....but for his accomplishment in starting up his own successful business down in Hell.  He treats it as an accomplishment.  With the kind of respect that comes with acknowledging another person for their accomplishments.  Right there, within two seconds of meeting him, Striker demonstrates more respect for Blitz than Stolas has yet to do in the entire show.

The Harvest Moon Festival Games.  Now this is something I find fascinating to think about from Striker’s perspective in particular.  We as the audience are shown pretty early on that Striker has a strong desire to be the one who comes out on top.  He likes the idea of being superior and he openly relishes in the praise and attention he gets for being better than everybody else.  ....Except Blitz.  When they tie in the games, Striker doesn’t seem bothered with sharing the spotlight with him at all.  If anything, he--again--respects just how skilled Blitz is in rightfully earning his place beside him on the stage.  That, to me, is HUGE.  I’m not going to go so far as to say that Striker necessarily sees them as equals because I think that might be going a bit too far for his ego but he does still fully acknowledge that Blitz is in the same general class as him: that is to say, better than most.  Worthy of the same kind of acknowledgement and praise that Striker gets.  I literally can’t get over just how big of a thing that is for what we’ve been shown of Striker’s character, and I think it’s unfortunately something that’s incredibly easy to miss or gloss over. :(

And now--for what I personally think is the most significant thing of all--we have: “We”.  How many times does Striker suggest during that final scene between them that he really wants Blitz to join forces with him as equals?  He never demands that Blitz join up with him, he doesn’t threaten him into joining up with him--Striker barely even hurts Blitz at all during their fight scene compared to how he tried to straight up murder Moxxie--and, most of all, Striker continues to acknowledge that Blitz deserves better than his current arrangement with Stolas.  And he’s right.  But instead of putting it as “I’M right and this is why you should do this”, he always puts his focus on Blitz himself, or the two of them together as a partnership:  “You are so above sucking on a a digusting rich pompous Goetia” | “We could be the most dangerous beings in Hell, Blitz” | “You could partner up with me and klll the unkillable--starting with the one that treats you like a plaything”.  It’s just--I honestly can’t believe it’s taken me this long to put together why Striker appeals so much more to me as a romantic interest for Blitz, but really breaking it down episode by episode and comparing the differences in wording between Striker and Stolas’s dialogue when it comes to Blitz is just.....holy shit. 

Honorary ShoutOut of Episode 6: 

The fact that the only thing hallucination Striker has to say to him is “But you don’t want to do things alone Blitzo!” is really, really interesting to me in the fact that he’s.....not......wrong??  Like, To be fair, Striker, RoboFizz, and Verosika all spill their harsh truths, but the thing is.....Striker’s is markedly different in that his wording really isn’t harsh or aggressive at all the way the other two are.  He’s just kinda stating a fact in an overexaggerated way because tripping balls hallucination sequence.  It’s very interesting to me that that’s the worst that Blitz can imagine him to say--as well as the fact that halluci!Striker calls him “Blitzo”, which is really weird considering that Striker’s never called him “Blitzo” once in the entire show.  Makes me kinda wonder where that came from tbh. 

Alright so, in conclusion of this very long and rambly styie post: I want to take things back to where I started by reiterating that this is not me trying to convince anyone that BlitzStrike is “right” and Stolitz is “wrong”, or that you should stop shipping what you’re shipping in the fandom.  This was just me honestly getting way more excited than I should’ve been over having my “Eureka!” moment for realizing why this new episode didn’t put me back on the Stolitz train like it did for so many other people--and why, in fact, it actually made me think even more favorably of the idea of Blitz and Striker being together.  

Thanks for sticking around with me for this very long read, I hope you found it interesting, and I really really hope that it didn’t piss anyone off or rub too many people the wrong way.  Like I said at the beginning, ship who you want to ship!!  That’s part of the fun of being in a fandom.  I’m just hoping that this might help make it easier to understand at least one perspective on why Stolitz is seen as being so problematic as a ship [as of where they are right now].  

Here’s to seeing where things go from here!! 

[remedialpotions]

Off The Train

Thanks to @mertronus for tagging me in the HPRomione Discord Popcorn game thingy! The prompt she gave me was: "I can finally see you."

I'm tagging @acnelli with the prompt: "You can't just keep pretending things are fine!"

***

”I can’t wait until you get off that train,” says Ron, his voice low and lazy with fatigue, “and I can finally see you.”

Hermione shifts in her bed so she’s lying on her side, mirror held out before her. This way, she can pretend - if she squints a bit, and ignores the crimson hangings of her four-poster bed - that he’s lying next to her, and not hundreds of miles away in London.

“What do you mean, ‘finally’?” Hermione, too, keeps her voice quiet. It won’t do, in her final days as Head Girl, to be waking her dormmates. “You’re looking at me right now.”

“Yeah, but it’s not the same. I can see you, but I can’t touch you, or...” The corner of Ron’s mouth twitches up into a crooked smile. “Or do anything else for that matter.”

“Right. Well,” she says, trying to infuse positivity into her voice, despite the weeks since the Easter holidays dragging into what felt like months and years, despite missing him so much that it’s like a heavy fog surrounding her. “It’s only a couple more days, right?”

“Can’t it be now?” Ron looks like he’s reclined in bed too now, his fiery hair stark against the deep navy of his sheets. “Just get to Hogsmeade, then you can Apparate-“

“You know full well that I cannot,” she replies briskly, even though it’s tempting, really tempting. “It’s-“

“-behavior unbecoming of a Head Girl,” Ron finishes her sentence. “I know. I just miss you, that’s all.”

“I miss you too.”

“I love you,” he adds after a moment’s silence, before his eyes widen with inspiration. “Oh, I’ve got it. What if I Apparate to Hogsmeade, and then walk to the castle - I bet Hagrid would let me through the gates-“

“It’s only two days, Ron.”

He sighs. “Fine.”

“And I love you too.”

He grinned. “Yeah, I know.”

•••

Pigwidgeon is the last owl to fly into the Great Hall, his little wings beating wildly to keep him aloft. With a scrap of parchment clutched in his tiny talons, he struggles over to the Gryffindor table before somersaulting down into Hermione’s lap.

Hermione’s heart sinks, and not just at the sight of the exhausted little bird currently burrowing into the crook of her elbow. Their two-way mirrors mean they don’t usually have to resort to writing letters. Not unless...

Hermione, the parchment reads when she unfolds it. Got called on an emergency mission. I’m not allowed to tell you where or why or even how long but I’m hoping it won’t take too long. I’m still going to be there at King’s Cross, because I’m dying to see you and I can’t wait until all this is over and we can just be together. Anyway, I love you and try not to worry too much. I promise to do my best not to die.

Ron

“Oh, good,” comes Ginny’s voice from beside her, and Hermione turns to see her peering intently at the parchment. “He’s promised not to die, that’s a relief-“

“He’ll be there,” interrupts Hermione, tucking the note in the pocket of her robes before Ginny can further infringe upon her privacy. “If he thinks it’ll only take a day, then I believe him.”

Ginny blinks. “I never said he wouldn’t be.” Plucking Pigwidgeon from Hermione’s lap, she offers him water from her goblet. “I’m sure he knows what he’s talking about.”

“It’s probably just a quick day trip,” Hermione rationalizes, eyes focused hard on Pigwidgeon as he drinks so she doesn’t have to see the sympathy she knows is etched on Ginny’s face, “and he just wanted me to know in case - well-”

“In case he dies?”

Ginny’s attempt at a joke falls flat.

“Well, just in case, you know, something were to - to happen,” Hermione stammers, “and anyway, it’s just good for me to know - I like to know what he’s up to - not in a controlling way or anything, just-”

“Of course,” Ginny interjects bracingly. “I’m sure he just wanted you to know, that’s all. I’m sure he’ll be there.”

Hermione picks up her mug of tea and holds it close to her face so the steam washes over her. She knows what they’re both thinking but are unwilling to say: that in the year Ron and Harry have been Aurors, neither has had a mission run shorter than a week.

•••

And so Hermione sits with Ginny and Luna on the train, watching the Scottish Highlands slowly transform into the low, tidy hills of the English countryside outside her window and hoping against hope that Ron will be there on Platform 9 and ¾. But she hasn’t heard from him since that first letter, and his mirror has gone dark. This doesn’t worry her - not for his safety, anyway - but it does make it difficult to share in Ginny’s gleeful anticipation as the train pulls into King’s Cross.

She busies herself with tending to Crookshanks, who is furious about his prolonged confinement in his basket, as Harry and Ginny embrace on the platform. It’s not that she’s upset, not really. Ron is doing what he needs to do, and she would never want him shirking his responsibilities just so he can kiss her on a train platform for the first time since April. She just wishes things could be different.

After Harry and Ginny depart for Grimmauld Place, she flags down a taxi and rides alone to her parents’ home. The family car is parked in front, which is unusual for a weekday, but when she goes inside, she finds her parents have been eagerly awaiting her arrival and can hardly let her set down her trunk before whisking her away to an upscale restaurant in South Kensington.

“So, tell us about school,” says Mum with an eager smile once they’re seated at their candlelit table. “How were your exams? I want to hear everything.”

“I will later,” Hermione replies, raising her brows and tipping her head pointedly in the direction of the waiter currently pouring red wine into their glasses.

“Oh, right, right, of course. Well, anyway, dear,” she begins as the waiter sets down menus and strides away, “your father and I have a little surprise for you.”

It’s foolish, she knows, but her mind leaps instantly to Ron. Maybe all of this business with his mission has been a ruse, and he’s here in London after all, and she’ll be able to come up with an excuse to spend the night at Grimmauld Place…

Until she notices that her parents are still talking, and there’s no tall, lanky, red-haired wizard to be seen in this high-end French restaurant, but there are three Eurostar boarding passes laid out across the tablecloth.

“Sorry,” says Hermione, shaking her head to clear away the daydream, “what’s going on?”

“We’re going to Paris!” announces Mum with delight. “We thought it would be so lovely to spend time together since you’ve been away for so long, and you’re about to start your new job - and I know you’ve always wanted to go there. We’ve got ten whole days, and everything’s booked, so all you’ve got to do is pack.”

“That - that’s - that’s brilliant,” Hermione musters, forcing her lips into some semblance of a smile. Her parents beam so brightly back that it’s almost difficult to look at them. “Erm, so when are we leaving?”

She crosses her fingers under the table, praying they’ll say August, or her birthday in September, or Christmas, anything but-

“This weekend!”

Of course.

•••

Paris is beautiful. It exceeds every single one of Hermione’s expectations. She and her parents consume copious amounts of bread, cheese and wine, they visit museums and cafes and old bookstores, they ascend to the top of the Eiffel Tower and take in the view. She thinks of Ron constantly as she walks the cobbled streets, as she crosses the Pont des Artes and sees the countless locks affixed to its railing. Before she left, she sent Harry an owl to tell him that she was leaving, so Ron would know where she was if he returned home before she did. As they can’t communicate when she’s staying in a Muggle hotel, she truly has no idea where he is, but she tells herself that he’s still on his mission. It feels better that way, imagining that even if she stayed in London, there would still be obstacles keeping them apart.

On their last day, she nearly empties out a patisserie buying eclairs and macarons for Ron, and then they board the Eurostar back to England. Nervous anticipation grips her stomach as the train barrels through the tunnel (idly, she wonders if Ron’s dad is aware of this train that travels underwater, and makes a mental note to tell him), because she has no idea what awaits her back in London. What if Ron’s still away? Or worse - what if something’s happened to him, and she’s been off enjoying a holiday while he’s been suffering?

The train can’t move quickly enough. Hermione can focus on nothing - not the paperback romance novel her mother has loaned her to read, not the Muggle newspaper that her father is engrossed in, not even the argument of the couple seated across the aisle from them. It’s only a two-hour trip, so why does it feel like it’s taking days?

She checks her mirror, but it’s still dark.

“You go ahead, sweetheart,” says Dad when the train finally rolls to a stop in St. Pancras station. “We’ll get the cases.”

Hermione looks up at the luggage rack over their heads, then at her parents. “Are you sure? I’ll bring mine-”

“We can manage. Go on ahead, get some fresh air.”

She doesn’t bother reminding them that train station air is hardly fresh, and instead heads down the aisle with just her purse and the box of pastries in tow. Truly, she’s not sure why her parents have sent her off the train without them; with the station as busy as it is, they’ll surely lose track of each other.

But then she sees him. Standing a head above the crowd, hands shoved into the pockets of his jeans, his bright blue eyes scan the throngs of travelers. At first, she doesn’t believe her eyes. Surely, she’s just become so desperate to see him that she’s actually begun hallucinating.

But as she draws closer, he doesn’t ripple into nothingness, he doesn’t fade away. He’s really, truly there, his red hair curling behind his ears, one knee jiggling with pent-up energy the way it always does when he’s particularly impatient. As he turns his head, still surveying the crowd, their eyes lock and the rest of the station recedes into the background. Finally, they’re within sight of each other after months of hushed mirror conversations and stolen moments borrowing Professor McGonagall’s Floo. Hermione picks up speed, nearly skipping across the concrete in her haste, and flings herself into his waiting arms.

She fits against him perfectly. The fabric of his faded t-shirt is soft against her cheek as she breathes him in, and for the first time in recent memory, words fail her completely.

The box of pastries thuds to the ground.

“Hi,” he mutters, lips brushing her skin and sending chills up her spine.

“How - how did you-”

“Harry told me where you’d gone.” He presses a kiss to her cheek, and then, at long last, their lips connect. “It’s not that hard to look up train schedules.”

As reluctant as she is to pull away from him, she leans back just enough to look up at him. Behind the freckles scattered across his face, his cheeks have gone pink. “You’re amazing,” she tells him, rising on tiptoe for another kiss, unconcerned with the passersby and the blast of nearby train whistles.

Ron lifts one shoulder in a casual shrug when they break apart. “Had to meet you on a train platform somehow.”

[vvideonasties]

clear-cut

"Good morning," Jon says.

"Um," Martin replies.

Jon then realises that him holding a pair of scissors so close to his eyes not long after ranting about gouging them out would be rather concerning at first glance. 

word count: 2k

pairing: jonmartin

warnings: discussion of canon related trauma, thoughts about body autonomy

While rifling through the kitchen drawers, Jon is unsurprised by the plethora of blades Daisy owns. There’s every kind of knife you could fathom and, thankfully, a few pairs of scissors. Grabbing what appears to be the sharpest pair (though they all look pretty damn sharp), he heads to the bathroom. He clutches the white of the porcelain sink and stares into the mirror impassively. 

He used to actually quite like his long hair. He’d play with it while he was working, twirling the thick locks around his fingers and untangling knots absentmindedly. When he’d get frustrated he’d pull it out of its tie and tug at it. It was a strange way to ground himself. 

Now, though. It’s been used too much for other people’s gain, has been in too many people’s hands for it to truly belong to him. The gravity it provided began to dissipate when Daisy attacked him - she’d grabbed a chunk of it and used it to yank back his head to expose the vulnerable expanse of his neck. As he’d stood there under the mercy of her blade, shaking and pleading, the stinging in his scalp lingered the entire time. It only got worse from there - the awful attempt at tenderness displayed by the Stranger as Nikola brushed aside a few strands to gain access to more flesh, to paste moisturiser onto it with her stiff fingers. The dirt he couldn’t quite scrub out of it after he left the Buried, even when he sat in the tub for hours on end. Even when the water began to run clear, he could still feel the clumps weighing him down, making his head loll to the side with it.

After all that, it wasn’t much to him. He’d wash it, dry it, tie it up. Try not to think of it. 

Jon stares down at the gleaming scissors in the sink determinedly. Cutting it off won’t solve much, if anything at all, but it would make him feel a little more comfortable. It’s one of the only things he can control about himself at the moment. If he doesn’t like the way it looks, then fine. It’ll grow back. 

His hand flexes and clenches into a fist. Tighten, relax, tighten, relax. 

He reaches for the scissors and holds a piece of hair in front of his face, the blades open, hungry, ready to receive. 

Then there comes a short, polite cough. He turns to see Martin standing just outside the bathroom, eyes a little wider than normal. 

"Good morning," Jon says.

"Um," Martin replies.

Jon then realises that him holding a pair of scissors so close to his eyes not long after ranting about gouging them out would be rather concerning at first glance. 

“I’m cutting my hair,” he clarifies, and Martin seems to relax at that. 

“Okay.” A pause. “Why?”

He puts down the scissors and shrugs, suddenly feeling self-conscious. 

“Just felt like it,” he says, which is kind of true. “Not particularly attached to it anymore.”

Martin hums, taking him at his word. He walks over on socked feet, close enough that Jon can feel the heat radiating from him. There’s a brief moment where his hands pass over the scissors.

“I could help?”

Jon turns to face him completely, brow furrowed. “Excuse me?”

“Oh, it’s just that I have experience? Kind of? I cut my own, and I used to cut my mum’s as well...” Martin’s mouth twists downwards at that, and Jon just frowns harder. “I won’t give you my mum’s style, I promise!” He jokes weakly. It falls flat, and the whole atmosphere feels stilted. 

“Okay. Why not.”

“...Are you sure? I don’t want to interrupt your whole-”

“It’s fine. I could use some help reaching the back anyway.” As much as he just wants to lop all of it off, he doesn’t want it to look messy. 

Martin seems to brighten, probably at the relief of having something to focus on, and he walks off to grab a chair from the small dining table as Jon hovers awkwardly. He positions it in the living room, close to the small TV they’ve been using sporadically. They’ve been steadily working their way through the small cabinet full of DVDs underneath it. However, Jon isn’t exactly sure how long they’re going to be staying, so they might have to...ration them. The week they’ve been here hasn’t exactly been the most vibrant when it comes to entertainment. Maybe one day they’ll relent and open up the dusty box of Monopoly. That could very well be a major test of their relationship, though. 

At least, Jon thinks this is a relationship. They haven’t talked about it all that much. All that mattered in the beginning was escaping the Lonely, leaving London, then getting settled here. They’re fumbling around blindly in the dark, and all Jon knows is he wants to hold onto Martin as tightly as possible. 

That little train of thought is interrupted by the small clink of Martin taking the scissors off of the sink and grabbing a towel from the rack. He gestures to the chair, inviting Jon to sit, and when he does so he feels the towel being gently wrapped around his shoulders. 

There’s the brief sensation of Jon’s hair being pulled at, only slightly, and he sucks in a sharp breath.

“Okay?” Martin whispers. He understands without knowing, somehow, and Jon is glad that he can’t see the way his face is taut with apprehension, tinged with pain. 

“Okay,” he whispers back, trying to emulate Martin’s tone. 

“Can I use your tie?” His voice is still soft, and Jon should feel patronised, but he mostly feels soothed. “Just so it’s easier to cut through.”

Jon wordlessly removes the tie from his wrist and hands it over. He tries to hide the little shiver that passes over him when their fingers brush. Martin begins to hum a tune as he gathers the hair up into one handful (not like they did, he would never, it’s Martin, always so good to him), then creates a loose ponytail that falls to his shoulders. 

“Fine so far?” Jon nods tentatively. “Alright then.” 

There’s the distinct sound of the blades opening, and in one fluid motion Jon feels the weight he’d been carrying leave him. 

“There.” Martin comes into view, holding the thick, dark ponytail aloft, smiling crookedly. 

“Oh,” he croaks. “That’s...a lot.” His hand comes up to brush his the side of his head, then travels down and grasps at thin air where hair was a second ago. The cut seems to stop at his jaw, the small strands remaining ghosting over his skin. 

“It is. Can I keep going?”

Jon, hand still close to his head, makes a noise of assent. Martin takes a second to throw away what’s been cut then returns. He sinks his hands into Jon's scalp, massaging the tension out of it, and Jon makes an unbidden noise of satisfaction that causes his motions to still.

"God, sorry, did I hurt-"

"No! No, it's okay. It felt nice." It felt really nice. 

Martin clicks his tongue and continues for a while longer, fingers digging into Jon’s scalp over and over in a wonderful, rhythmic motion until Jon is practically boneless and falling asleep in the chair. He wonders if there’s a not-weird way to ask for this again outside of a hair cutting context. 

“So how short are we going here? You kind of have a bob right now,” Martin laughs. 

Jon hadn’t really thought about that. He just wanted it off, away, binned and out of his face. He shrugs. “I don’t know, short? Whatever you think will suit me.”

“Any hairstyle would suit you,” Martin points out, like it’s nothing. Jon smiles. “But I’ll do my best.” 

A few moments of Martin muttering to himself and circling around the chair is followed by the coolness of the dual blades against the curve of Jon’s ear, the shhk of them pressing together giving him goosebumps. He clearly has done this many times before, given the confident way he navigates the scissors. Jon certainly couldn’t have done this alone, at least not without making a fool out of himself. Martin brushes some hair away from the nape of his neck. His hands are very warm. 

“Y’know, I don’t think I’ve ever seen you with short hair.”

Jon turns to him, puzzled. “Really?”

The thing with Jon is, when he cares about someone a lot, he tends to insert them in all of his memories, assuming that they’ve always been around (he also has the memory of a goldfish, but he’s sure that’s a whole other thing). Martin has become such an integral part of his life, standing neatly by his side like it’s nothing. Like he was meant to be there and always has. 

“It has been quite a few years now, I suppose. Last I remember it was this short I was still in research.” When he goes to touch his head again he notes that he can feel for his ears without having to move a mountain of hair aside.

“Better late than never, I guess! I’m gonna move to the front now.”

Martin has to position himself at an awkward angle to use the scissors properly, his back practically curved into a C shape. His gaze is focused and intense, his lower lip caught between his teeth. Hair falls on Jon’s face as he snips, making him wrinkle his nose and grimace.

“Sorry. You can wash it off soon.”

Jon nods minutely. Then he sneezes. Martin just smiles, his eyes crinkling at the corners, then continues. 

He remembers why he rarely went to get a professional haircut now. That strange intimacy that comes with someone being so close to you - a stranger - it always disturbed him. The idle chatter that made him grit his teeth, how they’d act like they knew him. Then he didn’t have the time or energy to cut it himself after...everything. 

Now he’s looking at Martin, though. It’s odd, yes. Intimate? Definitely. He doesn’t know whether to close his eyes or keep them open. But he’s always found it very hard to turn his gaze away from Martin regardless.

His eyes are a lovely shade of deep blue, and he has far too many scars alongside the smattering of freckles on his face. He looks tired. Very much so. There’s crows feet at the corners of his eyes and lines on his forehead. He notes absently that he actually has a thick beard, too. Of course he noticed it beforehand - he’s felt it scratching the back of his neck when he wakes in the morning with Martin’s arms around him - but it’s worth pointing out. It makes him look much older, especially since the grey in it seems to be overtaking the red. 

Martin stands up straight and runs his hands through Jon’s hair a few times before standing back, head tilted to the side. 

“I think we’re done. It’s not amazing, but.”

Jon is already shrugging off the towel and heading to the bathroom mirror, feeling weirdly nervous. 

He certainly looks different. Unfortunately, though he searched high and low for them, Daisy doesn’t own any clippers. Martin did the best he could with what he had - he’s kept it a bit longer towards the front, some strands grazing his forehead, but the rest is cropped closely to his scalp. Jon tentatively touches it and leans forward. He tries to grasp a chunk of it, see if it’s long enough to pull. He fails. 

“It’s perfect.”

“Yeah?”

“Yes,” Jon says firmly. “It’s just what I needed.” He walks back over to Martin and wraps his arms around him instinctively, sighing with contentment when he responds in kind. 

“Thank you,” he mumbles into Martin’s t-shirt. 

“Of course.” Martin is stroking the back of his neck gently. “You look very handsome.”

Jon’s face burns at the compliment, and he chooses to hide it further rather than reply. They stand there for a while, hair scattered around the floor like autumn leaves, and it feels like a new beginning. 

[kenmasangel]

Fight ; Ushijima Wakatoshi

characters : ushijima wakatoshi, f!reader

synopsis : you and ushijima had your first real lowkey hardcore fight as a couple

genre : angst, fluff

ps : i am trying my best lol, i am new at this if you any remarks my dm's are open. hope you enjoy <3

masterlist

both you and your boyfriend, ushijima play volleyball that is actually what pulled you closer and ushi couldn't be happier

you've always enjoyed playing volleyball; it wasn't your passion and you wouldn't dedicate your life for it like ushijima but you still did your best all the time and you were pretty good

you actually were captain of the team for a while but then just decided to be a normal player

you practiced really hard; you didn't want to disappoint your boyfriend who was a great volleyball player

it really stressed you out though, especially when people would compare you or make really uncalled for remarks (this was maybe even one of the reasons you quit as a captain)

anyway these last days you haven't been feeling really good, the exams were upcoming and you wanted to keep up your excellent grades so you could attend the college of your dream

and not to make things better you had a practice match with you-don't-know-what-team and you couldn't care less

even if you were attending practice you were still kind of lacking, you wouldn't give it your all as usual and your teammates noticed that, you tried conving your coach into keeping you on the bleachers but he just wouldn't give up on you and your amazing serves

so here you were, sleep deprived, stressed out about school work and volleyball and your boyfriend didn't seem to notice anything, he would ask you times to times if anything is wrong but you would brush him off since you knew he was already preoccupied with the nationals

ushijima wasn't dumb though, he knew something was off with you but since you kept telling him not to worry he thought he would give you time unil you feel completely comfortable talking about it

he would kiss your forehead and tell you that he is here anytime

i ship you guys so bad wtf 😔

and as if the universe was against you, the day before your practice match you had an important exam, “at this point i should drop out and become a stripper” you thought to yourself as you were cramming informations into your brain

after your exam you headed to the gym to practice, you and your team stayed until late night and needless to say you only had few hours of sleep because you also had to wake up early to practice your serves, you didn't even have time to see your boyfriend so he could encourage you

you were exhausted, your brain was about to explode and your coach would still not let stay on the bleachers. the only thing positive was that ushijima sent you a good luck text message the night before

the match started, you were trying so hard to stay focused and to fall asleep; your serves were not as sharp as usual, you would miss the ball many times and the coach finally decided to change you with someone else

what you were not aware of is that ushijima and tendou came to watch the match and support you, they were weirded out at the way you were playing, it clearly was not in your habits to play that way

your team won the match but you couldn't care less, you just wanted to go home and sleep for one week straight

there were still a few people in the gym, you were getting ready to leave; you didn't even notice that the trio was coming your way

“y/n!” you heard tendou call you, “oh, hi sorry i didn't notice you were here” you replied, closing your bag “what's up?” you ask

“what's up with you? are you okay?” tendou asks, “what ?” you didn't know they saw everything, you kept staring at them until it hit you “oh, so you guys watched the match”

“yes, and what was all that about?” asked ushijima. “we can't always play well, you know” you shrugged, they were staring at you kind of shocked

“what? y/n did you see your serves ? did you see how many times you missed easy balls? it was almost as if i was watching a beginner! the team almost lost because of you” ushijima replies

“okay and ? i told the coach not to put me on the field yet he did. not my fault” you answered, it stung hearing him say that but it was true and you knew it

“thank god #8 came in, she saved the game ” he adds, what started annoying you. the last thing you wanted was to fight with your boyfriend

“good for them,” you clapped back in a cold tone what sent shivers down tendou's spine. he didn't want to get in between you two and he didn't know how to react since it was his first time seeing you like that

“you are my girlfriend, you know better! you should know this isn't only about others but the whole team! i heard people say stuff i didn't want to hear when you were playing an-” he couldn't finish when you cut him off

“ i know what people say ushijima! i know i am not dumb. and what if i am your girlfriend ? does that make me obliged to be a good volleyball player like you ? volleyball isn't my dream as far as i know i also have other dreams and other goals ushijima, but do you even care ? do you even bother asking me what i am passionate about ? and if you're ashamed of me, the so-bad volleyball player why don't you just go out with other great players ?” you snapped, what made the gym go quiet and all eyes stare at you and your boyfriend.

you gave him a last glance , took your stuff and went home

him and tendou stood there, alone now that everyone have left, still trying to comprehend what just happened, “wow, i’ve never seen y/n-chan like that” tendou broke the silence between him and ushijima. he didn’t answer tho, his mind was still replaying the fight you two had

you never fought; you guys were both mature and dealt with every situation you had to go through rationally so this fight really made ushijima tense up, something that tendou noticed

“ushijima,” tendou started as they were walking back to their dorms. “did you notice that y/n wasn’t feeling good right ?”

“hm? what?” the green eyed boy looked at him confused

“y/n is definetly not feeling good, you could tell just by looking at her face,” he stopped a moment before he continued “you can’t be oblivious to your girlfriend feeling bad, can you ?”

“look, i am not one to tell you what to do ushijima, this is your relationship but take good care of y/n before you loose her. she is a wonderful person and i know people who are just waiting for the right moment to have a chance with her,” he finished, sighing

“i don’t know what to do, we’ve never had a fight like this before and i sure don’t want to loose her,” finally stated ushijima burying his face in his hands, “i know i am lucky to have her, but you know how i suck at this relationship stuff...”

“give her time to cool down, but not too much time too. anyway goodnight” tendou pats ushijima’s shoulder before getting into his dorm

the days after you tried to keep it lowkey; you didn’t go to practice, you’d spend most of your time alone in the library or at home

your friends tried to contact you but you went on ghost mode, ushijima and the vb team too but you didn’t have enough strenght to deal with anyone not even your own parents

yet one night after everyone had finsihed practice you decided to head to the gym, you had so much frustration that you wanted to get rid off and the only thing that could help you was to hit in a ball

so here you are, at 10:30 pm serving in your highschool’s gym with all the power you had

what you didn’t know is that someone was there, watching this whole time hitting them balls with all the power you had wondering if they should come and talk to you or not

saying he missed you be an understatement, he missed your touch, the sound of your voice, your silly fights with tendou over who ushijima loved the most, the way you would hold his hand with no warning, the way you came to his practices and his teammates would all want to catch your attention. he was craving you and he couldn’t do anything but blame himself on how he lacked as a boyfriend

“man up, wakatoshi,” he opened the door yet didn’t catch your attention as you were still serving your mind obviously somewhere else

“uhm, hello?” he clumsily tries to catch your attention, which he succeeded  in

you turn, kind of startled but lowkey relaxing at his sight. “hi,” looking at his face you realized how much you missed him but the fight you had was still replaying in your head. “i was leaving, i just need to clean the gym” you said shaking off your pianful thoughts

as you walked by him he held you wrist making you stop, “y/n, let’s talk it out... please” his face slowly turning around, your eyes meeting his

he was right, you couldn’t just ghost everyone for the rest of the year, you just nodded and looked away

still holding your hand he took you to sit on a bench, facing each other. both of you wondering what will come out of this conversation

“y/n, i miss you, i was a horrible boyfriend i should’ve noticed how bad you were doing and comfort you instead of being a total douchebag, it’s just that...” he stopped for a while, thinking of the right words to say. “i just want the best for you, and i should’ve known vb isn’t your dream but i know how much potential you have and i just want the best for you.”

you couldn’t help but soften and the bluntness of your boyfriend, you knew he was genuine

“i don’t want to loose you y/n, and i promise to do my best to be a better boyfriend. please accept my apology,” you couldn’t help but breakdown infront of him

that’s it, you reached your peak and here you were sobbing in your boyfriend’s arms who was rubbing your back, trying to comfort you

he sure was taken aback when he saw you crying like that, he had never seen you like that and he never dealt with this type of situation but somehow he knew you needed to let everything out

he kissed the top of your head, whispering things like “everything is gonna be fine”

“i just got so stressed out, volleyball, academics, relationships... and i wanted to be the best but i couldn’t handle this much pressure and i should’ve told you how i felt but i bottled up thinking i could handle it,” you managed to say between your sobs. “ i love you too and i don’t want to loose you toshi,” he hugged you tighter after this sentence

“it’s alright love, i should’ve been here for you that’s the point of being together, it’s to lift a certain weight on each other,” he cupped your face in his big hands, wiping your tears, “no more secrets now, we’re here for each other,” you nod and he gently presses his lips against yours

“i love you, and i am here for you, please stop crying i hate to see my s/o this way especially when i suck at comforting you,” he made you chuckle

you’ve never  seen this side of ushijima, you knew he was trying his best right now, but you were glad you saw it today; it proved that he really loved you and you felt happy to have him by your side

“i love you too, toshi,” you hugged him tight and he kissed your forehead

both of you feeling relieved to know that your relationship was strong enough and you’d be able to count on each other and go through anything by each other’s side

[angelanimedesaray]

A Demon’s Promise Part 3:  Return the Favor

AN:  CONGRADULATIONS EVERYBODY!!! My 1000th post is the longest smut piece I’ve done to date, and I am going to hell.  Oof.

Also, hey, look, the plot is starting to peek through O.o

Characters:  Incubus!Levi, Reader

Pairing:  (Eventual) Levi x Reader

Warnings:  Language--including here in the warnings.  Hints of Angst.  SMUUUUUTTTT!!!!  Time for the kinky shit list:  Oral, Blowjobs, Anal, Rough Sex, Overstimulation, Breeding Kink, Throat Fuck, Tail Play (Yup, that’s still here), Multiple Orgasms, Edging, a bit of Aftercare, Dubious Consent, No Protection (probably should have put this one on the last two chapters as well).

Word Count:  7265

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*Reader’s POV*

A thought had started to settle into your mind.  Maybe it had always been there, but buried under the intense whirlwind that was your dreams of Levi and the mind-altering pleasure that he brought you every night.  The aches and soreness after waking up, and then the bruises a bit more recently from the hickeys--any more physical, tangible evidence started to make you wonder if it really was just a rash of extremely kinky dreams.

Of course, that was impossible...but the idea was there nonetheless, lurking in the back of your mind.  Even though you didn’t believe they were real, it was still something that was there, and apparently it was present enough to influence some decisions of yours.

For example, all these nights he came, he was always focused on you, on giving you pleasure.  But after that unexpected thing with the tail, when you’d seen his control slip in the face of true pleasure, you’d realized you hadn’t really been given the chance to do anything for him in return.  Besides what he had you do in the course of whatever sexy thing you were doing for the night, but it was always aimed towards getting you more riled up, or keeping him hard--or semi-clean and not so sticky at the end.  You never once laid him down, and focused on him for a change--and he never once asked for it.  You didn’t even think it was something on his mind, a thought or a possibility on his radar.  He was so focused on servicing you, but for some reason thought nothing of servicing himself.

Besides that breeding kink of his that came into play with every dream.  Was that some weird way of your subconscious telling you that you wanted kids or something?

Actually, the more you thought about it, whenever he orgasmed, it was always inside you--buried deep inside your pussy.  Not down your throat, not when he was buried up your ass, not pulling out and onto your stomach, it was always buried inside you.

Again, probably part of that breeding kink, or maybe he was also into cockwarming.

Why were you here thinking about the man in your dreams like he was an actual person, he was literally a wet dream fantasy your brain had cooked up recently and wouldn’t stop sending to your sleeping mind.

At least, that was the more rational, reasonable explanation you had, but not one that fit the physical signs of sex in the mornings after.

In fact, it had gotten so bad, you were scheduling a doctor’s appointment to see if you were a rare case of sexsomnia or something--the idea came to you after you saw it on a medical drama playing on TV in the background while you made your dinner.  Something was happening with you, and you figured it was about time to seek medical help in figuring out what was going on.

But that was still a few days away, and there were still several steamy nights with Levi to spend before getting to the bottom of what was medically going on with you to have continuous wet dreams.  For now, the appointment was far from your mind, as this time when you drifted off to sleep and inevitably towards a dream of Levi, you had a goal for the first time.

Your mind was only in darkness for what felt like a few seconds before you felt the weight of a body against yours, the feel of lips along your jaw and a hand running along your stomach and down in between your legs to already start rubbing you through the fabric of your panties.

Someone was impatient, tonight.  Too bad for him--you’d been talking yourself up to this considering the raw sexual energy Levi exuded in your dreams was rather intimidating, and you were not going to let yourself chicken out at the last minute.

“Levi…” you murmured as you were roused from your sleep, eyes fluttering open to stare upwards at the canopy of the black satin bed you were almost always inside.  The sight disappeared as Levi shifted to lean over you, his eyes filling your vision for a few seconds before he kissed you, sparking a heady and almost lethargic sensation inside you as your arms wrapped around his shoulders, feeling his well-sculpted body pressing up against yours, fingers prodding underneath your panties to already start fingering you.

He was really trying to get right to it, tonight, wasn’t he?

It was only through sheer force of will that you managed to pull back from his heady kiss, gasping slightly as if you’d been drowning and blinking as if to disperse a fog as you focused back on the goal you had in mind.

“Wait, wait, wait,” you murmured, and Levi froze, staring warily at you as you tried to regain your bearings.  He went in as if to kiss you again before you could say anything else, before you could regain your thoughts, and even though you came in to kiss him, moaning at the feel of his fingers already delving between your folds as his tongue swept into your mouth, you managed to gasp out your request around your very heated kiss.

“I want...to try something tonight,” you murmured, and you felt some of the tension from a few moments ago melt out of his shoulders at the admission.

“Someone feeling adventurous?” Levi asked in a low voice, pulling his head back just enough to speak before he trapped your lip between his teeth and gave a little pull, one of his fingers sliding inside you and earning a low moan, his thumb drawing dangerously close to your clit.

No, no, you were going to take charge here, you had a purpose, and he was not going to distract you from it in his insistence to always focus on your sexual needs.

It was his turn.

Your hand tangled deep in his hair, clutching at his head as you kissed him fiercely, leaning up into him and attempting to push him over onto his back so you were on top.  It...didn’t work out.  Too much muscle and a surprising amount of strength despite his small structure.  He simply returned the fervor you brought to the table, body pressing tightly against yours, breathing picking up as the kiss grew sloppy, a knee slipping between your legs to spread you open for him…

You didn’t have control of this moment, but you needed it.  As much as you usually sat back and let him please you, that’s not what you were aiming for tonight.  This was a dream, though, right?  Your dream.  So if you wanted something, all you needed to do was picture it...and will it...and…

With a sudden tilt to the world that was honestly disorienting and left you reeling for a few moments, you and Levi were no longer on the bed.  You were on that couch that occasionally made an appearance for certain positions you two tried, and Levi was underneath you, with you straddling his lap and your hands resting on either side of his neck.  He broke away from the kiss almost as soon as the two of you landed in a different position, looking confused and even worried at the sudden change as he stared up at you cautiously.  Maybe even...unsettled.

“How did you--”

“My dream, right?” you answered with a small smile, your nerves making your stomach squirm as you realized your moment of truth was here.  “I want to do something different tonight,” you repeated, much more firmly than before, and a hand sliding down to his chest as a way to tell him to stay there for a second and stop making moves so you could make yours.

He was hot to the touch--not just warm, actually hot beneath your fingers, his skin unrealistically flawless, his features sharp, body chiseled.  But you couldn’t help but wonder if there was something you just couldn’t see, especially after that tail reveal last time.

Something that was missing this time, you noticed.  Or at least at the moment.  Like you only saw it when he wanted you to.  No, when you wanted to--he was a figment of your imagination, right?

Fuck, how did all this work?  None of it made any sense, yet here you were, rolling with it, trying to seduce your fantasy seducer.

Those thoughts were for another time.  All these nights, he had every chance to learn every inch of your body, memorize you inside and out, but you hadn’t had much of a chance to really explore him, to touch him, memorize his lines, make him vocalize in pleasure--beyond those few times when he got caught up in the high of an approaching orgasm, or the time you’d found how much of an erogenous zone his tail was--when you could see it.

Your hands moved slowly down his body, fingers dipping and curving upwards along his abdomen as you felt to about midway, then brought your hands back up as if to rememorize every muscle and curve before your hands glided over his shoulders--something you were already familiar with after all the times you’d clung to them--and started feeling along his arms.

He was holding still for you for the time being, but he was watching you sharply, as if trying to get in your head and figure out what you were doing.  You were just relieved he’d stopped long enough to let you start, considering how fast he normally was, leaving no time to breathe after one high before he tried out the next on your body.

The thought suddenly made you worried, and in an effort to keep him from getting bored by your slow movements, you moved in to kiss him suddenly and firmly, attempting to get your tongue to dominate and slide into his mouth unhindered for a change.  He kissed you back, but there was a surprisingly hesitant and reserved feeling about it, like he wasn’t sure how to react to what you were doing, like he was still thinking out how he was supposed to respond to this.  His arms were wrapping around your lower waist, which you let happen, feeling him pull you closer as his lips started to press harder against yours again, feeling his cock sliding against your abdomen, moving closer to your pussy…

“Mhm,” you hummed, pulling away from the kiss and dropping to his neck, shifting your hips back to avoid letting him thrust inside you.  As much as your body had practically been trained to crave his dick inside you, you needed your wits about you to start--that could come later.

Levi was tensing up again even as your lips kissed along his neck, feeling for his pulse point and attempting to put little hickeys along his skin like he had done to you.  While that was happening, your hands, which had returned to his chest, started to play with his nipples, fingers brushing in bare touches against them, hearing his breathing grow heavier and feeling his skin jump with every touch.

“What are you doing?” he asked, voice gruff.  He wasn’t stopping you yet, which was a good sign, but the fact that he seemed confused that you were turning the tables and giving him attention of your own free will, that he hadn’t figured out that’s what you were doing...was it because he didn’t consider it in the realm of possibility, for someone to give him the kind of sexual attention he gave?  The thought hurt your heart a little, but considering it was an assumption and something you couldn’t ask without ruining the mood, you tabled the concern for the time being.

“Isn’t it obvious?” you asked with the slightest frown, seeing his jaw clench as your fingers started to idly play with his nipples like he’d done to you not too long ago.  “You always treat me so well--I want to make you feel good for once.”

To emphasize your point, you slid back in his lap, bringing your head down to trap one of his nipples with your lips and swirl it around with your tongue, giving it a few hard sucks while your other hand idly played with his other nipple.

He didn’t seem that vocal, not like he had been when you’d played with the base of his tail, but it could have been his distraction with his confusion, or the fact that he just wasn’t very vocal to start.  His breathing was more ragged, which told you this was at least doing something to him.

His hands found their way to your waist, pulling you back towards him and causing you to release his nipples as he pulled you close enough he could have reached out and bitten your lip without any effort on his part, his cock once more pressed against your abdomen.

“We’re not here for me, we’re here for you--your wants, your needs,” he murmured, trying to shift attention from him, his eyes locked on you.

“Fine...but what I want right now, is to give you what you want,” you answered.  This had to be the most the two of you had talked outside of during-sex talk, right?

“I want to pleasure you.  That’s what I’m here for,” Levi returned without missing a beat.  Except, the delivery wasn’t quite believable.  Something about that sentence rang hollow, like it wasn’t the full truth, just a line he said.  And while he gazed at you, you realized you couldn’t look away, you were being pulled into those blue depths, pulled in closer to his lips, body giving in even as your mind clung to your goal.

Your fingers brushed against his lips a moment before he would have sealed you in that strength sapping, hypnotic kiss of his.

“No--not what you can do for me.  Tell me what I can do for you.  It’s still your show, but tonight, I want to focus on you, not me,” you said lowly, eyes searching his willingly, and not just because something kept you drawn to them.  You came closer to him, lips brushing along his cheekbone as you moved closer to his ear, one of your hands moving slowly and lightly down his spine, noting proudly with the other hand that followed behind the first that it made goosebumps break out across that flawless skin of his.

“Let me taste your skin...let me suck on your cock...let me touch your tail and feel it against my skin again...I’ll ride your cock, your face, I’ll even eat out your ass if you ask me.  Tell me what to do to make you cum.  And at the end, just like we always do, you can breed me.  But what I want right now…”  Your hand slipped between the two of you, grasping at his cock and starting to slowly massage his length in your hand.  He grunted, a soft moan escaping him that you almost hadn’t heard.  “...Is to hear that, all night.  I want to hear you feel pleasure because of me tonight, Levi...Please...let me pleasure you.”

As you finished your words in a soft whimper, nibbling slightly on his jaw, you heard his breath hitch, and he went still.  You couldn’t understand why this was such a hard thing for him to grasp, why he hesitated, why this seemed to shake him.  Why would it be so strange for the person he’d pleasured so much to want to return the favor, at least once?  Had you done something wrong?  Had you said something to upset him without realizing it?  Should you just lay back and let him go about his original plans for the night?

And if this was your dream, and he was a man conjured up by your mind, why would he hesitate and resist to do what you wanted like this?  

Trying to coax him into reacting since his silence was making you nervous, you carefully started kissing along his skin, moving lower and lower, feeling his eyes follow you even though he still wasn't moving a muscle.  Your hands moved along his thighs, surprised as you crouched down between his legs to find that the ground beneath your feet had turned soft and supple, more ideal and less punishing for someone on their knees.  Once you were in position, you started kissing along the inside of his thighs, well aware of how close to your face his cock currently was, close enough you’d just have to turn your head to brush up against it.

As you came close to starting in on your offer to really taste him, he finally moved, hand moving out to touch your cheek.  You thought maybe he meant to stop you after seeing the look in your eyes.

“You don’t have to, really,” he said, attempting to stop you once again, but you weren’t budging on this.

“I want to,” you returned in a low voice, and before you two could continue in these ridiculous and ultimately pointless circles, you leaned forward and placed a far-from-chaste kiss at the side of his cock.  You felt the grip of his fingers tighten for a second, heard his breath catch again, and decided just to go for it.

Gently, you let your hand wrap around the base of his cock, letting the shaft brush against your cheek as you pulled back to get into position, letting your lips wrap softly around the very tip.  Your tongue swirled experimentally around the soft skin of his cock's head, getting used to the feel and taste of him in your mouth and trying to predict how difficult it would be to take in more.  Your fingers moved slowly up his cock from the base until you were holding his cock to your mouth like you were taste testing and trying to keep drops of food from escaping with your fingers.

Levi’s hand shifted from your cheek to the back of your head, grabbing at your hair.  For a wild second, you thought he might pull you off him.

But as your lips ventured a little further to take the full head of his cock into your mouth, his fingers--still tangled lightly in your hair--slipped down the back of your neck.  His legs spread a little wider to give you more space to work, and he leaned back in his seat, head tilted upwards and resting on the back of the couch so he could gaze up at…was there a ceiling?  You weren't going to look right now, you were fairly focused, though admittedly distracted for a moment by the conflicted look in his half-closed eyes as he sat back and let you do what you were clearly determined to do.

For a few minutes, the only sounds were the ones you were making.  The wet smack of saliva against skin, your little noises as you took a small portion of his cock into your mouth, keeping your cheeks hollow, the jaw lax, and your tongue active and wild.

Levi moved occasionally, shifting here and there for a more comfortable position, his thumb stroking lightly along the back of your neck while his other arm was slung out along the back of the couch.  You would be worried you were giving a bad blow job and he was bored, if it wasn't for the way his hand gripped at the couch, or the slight flush of pleasure to his skin, or the way his eyes had fallen closed, lips parted and moving faintly in what might have been words around his deep breaths.

Or maybe it was something a lot more lewd that made your legs quake, thinking of that gorgeous sight of him between your legs with his face buried in you…

Foreplay wouldn't keep him satisfied for long, though.  You'd been playing with his cock for a while now--it was time to try and make him arch and moan for once.

Without warning, your tongue lay flat, and you slid more of his cock into your mouth with a low hum.  Levi let out a pleased sigh above you, hips rolling up into the motion and making you stop just so he wouldn't push past where you were ready to take him.  Your saliva slipped down his dick and onto his balls, making his length a little easier to take in as you tried angling your head, tongue sweeping around the dick in your mouth in search of a spot that made him squirm.  All the while, your hand started to lazily pump up and down the shaft, trying to keep him erect and hard despite your hesitant pace as you gingerly felt out the situation and how good you were at this.

Adjusting to having his cock fill your mouth and be on the verge of reaching your throat, you started off slow just to make sure you weren't going to hit the wrong spot so hard and fast you would choke, or worse.  You bobbed your head up and down on Levi's cock, humming and moaning low in your throat the whole time at how surprisingly good it felt, even if it required some concentration and care.

A little pressure on the back of your neck when you took him in, and a slight tug on your hair when you pulled back, made you realize Levi was getting invested, too, his hand on the back of your neck starting to guide how you took him, hopefully helping you find the right spots soon.

Your panties were wet with excitement, but there was nothing you could do about that right now--you were focused, and you were getting somewhere.

"Don't be so timid--if you're so intent on doing this, then do it properly," he chastised you suddenly, his voice gruff, close to a growl, revealing that he wasn't nearly as relaxed as he seemed.  Clearly, he was tired of the slow pace.  At least he was saying something instead of straight up bucking into your mouth and throat without any warning.

He was right, too--even you knew you were going pretty slow right now.  All right, then, if he wanted you to raise the stakes a bit more…

Shifting in place, your other hand ran up his thigh and over his waist, reaching towards his lower back, towards his tailbone.  At the same time, you dipped your head low, taking in as much of his cock as you could before you gave a hard suck and allowed yourself to swallow reflexively.

Gag reflex?  Why would you bother with that in your own dream?  Anything was possible here, and you were going to take full advantage of that right now.

A soft gasp left Levi’s throat, and this time, you didn’t linger or hesitate, pulling back and starting a vigorous bob along his cock, a strange noise you hadn’t realized you were capable of escaping you with every dip of your head, every time his tip almost slipped out of your mouth before you relentlessly sucked him right back in, burying his cock in your mouth, your hand pumping along his length for added stimulation.

Levi’s breathing was heavy, borderline on panting as he watched you suck his cock, his hand now fisted in the hair at the back of your neck, hips rocking into your hand and those sinful lips of yours.  He was almost there, but he wasn’t quite at the point you wanted him to, which meant you had to push him a little further to get what you wanted.

Your free hand had made it around to his tailbone by now, fingers splaying across the place you knew his tail had been last time, feeling along the smooth skin experimentally.  Levi squirmed underneath your light, investigative touch, and you didn’t relent, trying to communicate without halting your enthusiastic tasting of his cock that you wanted him to stop hiding his tail--you wanted to feel it, and you were currently seeking out its base.

"Shit…" Levi gasped softly as your hand moved a little up his spine, as if concerned you might be a little too low to find it, and on the way back down...it was suddenly there.

You shifted closer in anticipation, Levi's grip on your head now holding you close enough to him that you could not pull away.  Greedily, your hand wrapped around the base of his tail, thumb rubbing sensual circles around the base to try and provoke a reaction similar to last time.

Now he moaned, hand holding you tightly in place as his hips bucked forwards into your mouth, cock thrusting into your throat.  At the same time, your hand wrapped around his tail, hand moving slowly out to get a good feel of it and see if Levi's sensitivity expanded beyond just the base. A quick glance to the side revealed it was fairly long, draped loosely across the couch and over the edge, coming to one slender tip that looked sharp as a whip.

No arrow tip, no "forked tongue," no scales--just smooth, hot skin for the slender appendage.  It looked strangely natural, despite the black, blue, grey shades and coloration. And it was surprisingly muscly for a tail.

Well...with what you knew he could do with it, perhaps that part shouldn't seem so surprising.

And it was currently coiling, shuddering under the attention it was receiving, arching in the air as if in anticipation for the incoming touch.  Another moan escaped Levi as his tail arched, and you realized it was also a fairly good indicator for the pleasure he was experiencing.

Bringing your hand back to the base and feeling for those sensitive spots along the thickest part of his tail, he bucked sharply up into your mouth with a low growl.  The scenery changed again, and suddenly he wasn't lying on the couch letting you suck him off--he was standing with his back against the wall, you kneeling in front of him with your mouth still wrapped around his cock and your hand still clutching the base of a tail that now brushed sensually across the exposed skin of your legs an arm, the tip of his tail curling underneath your shirt.

This was no longer a blow job--you were about to get throat fucked.

Levi pushed inside you until your lips were brushing against his balls and your eyes watered, hand shifting to grab his waist as you felt a shred of relief in the fact you'd decided a gag reflex wasn't going to be a problem in this dream.  Otherwise this could have ended badly, though you still found it hard to breathe, and it still took effort to try and get yourself to relax enough to take him in.

Levi let it sit there for a few seconds, his tail sliding up along your chest, pulling your shirt up with it as it came between your breasts and continued to reach, Levi's breathing officially turning into lustful pants as he pulled out and started his deep thrusts into your mouth.  Moans and slight yelps escaped you in the process, and you tried to keep your head angled so he had a smooth entrance deep inside, eyes drawn up to his with the way you were knelt in front of him, only able to feel what his tail was doing, not to see and anticipate.

"That's a good girl, taking my cock like this," he growled, all earlier hesitation forgotten as the orgasmic high started to kick in and take control.  "I knew you were a slut for my cock, but this...you take it so well, me fucking your throat like this.  You look like you just want more."

As he spoke, his pace quickened, dick sliding smoothly all the way in and almost all the way out, your teeth grazing in a bare tickle along his cock and making it twitch, tongue licking and flicking and teasing whenever there was enough room in your mouth to do so.  He shuddered at the sensation, egged on by the way you were pumping and stroking along the erogenous zone of his tail at the same time, and held you close, cock thrusting steadily and quickly into your mouth.  The edge of his tail slipped up through the collar of your shirt, the very tip teasing along your lips and growing slick with saliva in the process, while a little further down it arched and wiggled in a way that it brushed against your nipples, making you whimper.

Now you weren't just excited--you were wet and aching, dying for the attention his tail was now teasing you with.

"You wanted to taste my cock?" Levi growled, his pace picking up and his cock throbbed against your tongue.  "This what you wanted?  To choke on my dick like my personal cockslut?  C'mon, this is what you wanted, right?  Fuck...shit…"

The dirty talk was getting worse, and he was starting to pound relentlessly into your throat, which told you he was close.  Your hand had given up pumping along the shaft of his cock with how rapidly he was throat fucking you, now, and had instead started to massage and tease his balls, hoping the stimulation was about to send him over the edge between the throat fuck, the fondling of his balls, the teasing along the base of his tail, and…

It had stopped rubbing against your nipples, instead sliding down over your abdomen and into your panties, the hot skin easily slipping between your folds rubbing along your entrance and clit.  Your legs shook, and you started to moan and whimper needily, which just made the feeling of his cock sliding into your mouth so much better for him.

"Hah...fuck...shit you're wet...and your throats so fucking tight…and…hnng…"

Levi's pants were ragged, his hips starting to move sporadically as his hand threaded through the hair at the top of your head repeatedly, holding you almost uncomfortably tight to his cock in his approaching climax.  Even you could feel it coming, could anticipate the salty taste that would soon flood your mouth and throat…

The tip of his tail suddenly rolled and curled against your tip so it formed a small round edge instead of that wicked sharp edge, and without warning, it pushed between the folds of your pussy, pushing inside you much as it had into your ass the first time you'd seen it.

You gasped and then choked on Levi's dick at the sensation, and a strangled sound escaped him as he suddenly held you firmly in place, his body shuddering against you and cock twitching madly as his tail pushed further and further inside, stretching and filling you more than his cock could without cumming inside you.  Each flex of the hot muscle inside you made you feel like it would rip you open as it went further than humanly possible, further than anything you would feel in real life, and your mind went blank, body limp for a few moments as you surrendered yourself to being fucked by Levi like this gladly.

Maybe you would cancel that appointment, because if this was the kind of pleasure you were going to experience in these dreams, you didn't want it to ever end.

Neither did he, based on the sound that came out of him.  Wild and feral, Levi bucked into your throat without resistance, the tip of his cock pushing against the back of your throat even as the muscles of your throat flexed and tightened around him with your choking from the raw sensation and his cock buried in your throat.  His face was flushed, sweat dripping down his forehead and cheeks, glistening against his skin as he tried to hold his orgasm in vain.

As you were coming back to your senses, egged on by the feel of your body seeming to stretch and fill from his tail coiling as far inside you as it could reach given the position the two of you were in, you caught the slightest spark of logical realization in his gaze through the haze of his orgasmic high.

"Fuck...your pussy.  I...I only cum inside your...hng...shit!"

Before he could second guess, before he could even finish the thought or pull back, you released his balls so you could grip tightly at his ass with one hand to yank him forwards and shove him as deep down your throat as he could go, your other hand giving a firm tug on his tail that made him throw his head back, arch his back, and let out the wild curse, voice cracking and going hoarse as his control finally shattered, and his cum spilled hot and thick down your throat, tail twitching wildly inside you for a few moments in a way that almost sent you over the edge.

You greedily swallowed the hot cum spilling down your throat, fingers digging into his skin, pulling back when the flow started to lessen so some could stay in your mouth, the salty taste filling your mouth, a small strand escaping from the corner of your mouth and causing you to have to pull back and catch it with your tongue, lapping up the last few squirts from his cock before they could fall to the floor.

Just before his tail could stimulate you to an orgasm, though, it had gone still inside you.  You were still filled, and the feeling alone kept you on edge, but his stillness denied you a release, and even walked you back from the edge a few steps.

You took a few moments to clean off his cock, making sure there wasn't a trace left as you listened to his breathing slowly come back to normal, his hand changing from that vice grip to strokes through your hair as you cleaned up his cock like he was petting a kitten.

"Not a single drop wasted, huh?  Good girl...but no more fooling around."  His tail flexed inside you, and you let out a wanton moan, the heat in your cheeks the only hint you had at how flushed and needy you looked to him right now, kneeling in front of him with traces of his cum still making your lips shine.  "You pleasured me--now it's back to you."

His dick was hardening again to stand erect in front of your face, and while you were certain that was humanly impossible, you were rather sure he wasn't really human at this point--plus it was a dream, so if you wanted round two now, he would be ready for round two now.

His tail suddenly trusted deeper inside you, and you arched at the sudden feeling you might tear and burst, ears ringing and vision going fuzzy for a moment before you suddenly found yourself on your back in the bed, staring up at the black silk canopy as the last of his tail slipped out of you, leaving you feeling hollow and cold without that heat filling you.  Levi was hovering over you again, his cock resting momentarily against your stomach as he removed your panties and waited for you to come to your senses.

As your eyes focused on him, he lined himself up, cheeks still flushed from the intense orgasm he'd just had, hair falling in front of his eyes to obscure your vision of the one thing that could give you a hint at his thought process.  His cock started to slip inside you, and you whimpered and moaned at how good it felt to have his hot and hard cock filling the space his tail had left empty, as well as how easy it was for him with how stretched and open you felt right now.

Your hand ran along his chest, but you didn't push him away.  You were just getting his attention.

"Let me ride you?" You asked softly.  Levi looked up to meet your gaze, both of you well aware that this was a continuation of him being the focus, of you treating him--that it wasn't going to end with the blow job and throat fuck.

You didn't want Levi to have to work for it tonight.  That was your job, tonight.  He just needed to lay back, relax, and enjoy.

Your hand slid up his chest and neck, cupping his cheek and jaw in your hand as you reached up to kiss him deeply, surprised when he started to pull away before giving in, his arms wrapping around your body to turn you both over.  Now, he lay on his back, his cock already inside you, you on top of him with legs straddling him, causing his dick to slide deeper inside as you settled on top of him.  You moaned against his lips, tongue slipping inside his mouth before he could take advantage of the sound and beat you to the punch.

Once you were settled in place, his arms wrapped around your back, his tail sliding and curling lazily along your legs, you started to rock against him, whimpering lowly at how good it felt but also the sensitivity leftover from him edging you moments ago.  His cock entered you with ease, buried to the hilt in a few rocks against his hips, like it was where he belonged.  You didn't have to wait for him to adjust this time, hips lifting and then sinking onto his cock again with a wet smack, his fingers clenching in the fabric of the shirt you were still wearing, surprisingly.

It was Levi who pushed you back.  Normally, he was always holding you so close, always in contact, always keeping things so fast and intense.  But he pushed you away from the kiss into more of an upright position, bringing his knees up behind you for something to lean back on as you rode his cock, maybe intending to make it a little easier for you.

His hands slid under your shirt, and you leaned your head back with a low moan, feeling his hands slowly move along your skin, feeling you up even as your hips rocked together to keep his cock buried deep inside you.  You were going to cum from this sensation alone, but you still asked for more.

"Put your tail in me again.  It feels...so good…" you panted, one of your hands covering his as it found its way to your breast, the other staying planted in the bed for stability.

Yes, it did feel good for you, but you also knew just how damn sensitive that tail of his was, and how he’d fallen apart last time he'd double penetrated you with it.  It would be explosive for him, which was what you were aiming for.

Levi didn't hesitate to follow this request, and you felt his tail, still wet and sticky with the buildup from you earlier, slipped past that little ring of muscle and started to push its way inside you.  Your body reacted instinctively, curling backwards over his legs with a guttural moan, one of Levi’s hands lowering to your abdomen to hold you down and keep you on his cock, which he trusted up into you as if to remind you it was still there.

You came without any more warning than a weak cry at his thrust, Levi letting out a pleased sigh at the sensation of your cum coating his cock, moaning when the walls of your ass gripped at his tail tighter even as it pushed further in, and he continued to thrust into your pussy through your orgasm, able to feel the tip of his cock with the hand resting against your abdomen when he trusted inside you with the bend of your body and how deep his cock was.

Even as you orgasmed and weakly attempted to keep riding him, though at this point he might as well have taken over, Levi kept going, layering on more stimulation to drive you even further over the edge.

His hand gripping your breast was already playing with your nipple, and the other hand that was resting on your abdomen and trying to hold you down enough he could keep thrusting into you had reached out with his thumb to seek out and start teasing your clit.  All the while, his tail coiled and trusted into your ass, finding the erogenous spot deep inside and refusing to release it afterwards, the tip of his tail rubbing against it relentlessly while the rest coiled, flexed, and filled your insides.  And he never once pulled his cock out of you, either, continuing to thrust, with you hanging on for dear life, trying to ride him but your mind quickly losing the battle with all the stimulation.  You just felt him, and you could hear him moaning, gasping, and panting beneath you, showcasing that you had been successful in eliciting pleasure from him and letting him be more of the focus tonight.

You just hadn't realized it was going to overwhelm you in the process, going limp as he stimulated and fucked you so thoroughly you lost sense of how many orgasms he pulled from you, the flashes of heat spilling into your gut and the resulting, guttural growls your only sign he was cumming as well.

He didn't stop until you blacked out for a solid...well, it had to be more than a few seconds, even though it felt like you'd slipped back into sleep for that long before you came to, mind hazily focusing on the feel of his arms supporting you instead of his legs, tail gone from upside you and leaving you feeling partially empty, even though his cock was still buried deep inside you, like he'd been worried to pull out while you were unconscious.

"Easy...easy…" he murmured, and hearing his voice again made you realize he hadn't said a word after the throat fuck, up until now.  Carefully, he was laying you back down on the silken bed, his hand gently pushing sweaty strands of hair from your face so it wouldn't block your airways or get tangled around your neck, allowing you to breathe with ease.

Once you were lying on your back, he pulled his other arm out from under you so it would be free, letting it softly fall on your abdomen, where his thumb stroked gentle, random lines against your bare skin.  After giving you a few moments to catch your breath, he pulled out, slowly and carefully, though he didn't stop when you whimpered at the feeling of his cock slipping out of your body now so sensitive it hurt.

"It's okay...just rest now.  It won't be so bad in the morning," he murmured, covering you with the silken sheets except for that hand on your abdomen, still stroking and rubbing the skin absent-mindedly.  It was strange that, even though he was supposed to be comforting you in your exhausted state as part of the aftercare, that was the only touch he gave you.

And that look in his eyes as he stared down at you, one you glimpsed seconds before something pushed you back under into a deep and much needed sleep.

So conflicted.  Trapped between some kind of amazement and crushing guilt, like he was staring at the last of a dying breed.

Next Part---->

Tags:   @humanitys-hottestsoldier @clary-quinn​ @sunny-flo​​ @whalerus​​  @thirstyforsometea​

A Demon’s Promise Tags:  @wo-ming-bai​ @rindulacre​ @seeeyounara​ @myherotrashbin​​

[ao3komorii]

About Time (Timeskip Dimitri/Reader)

Decided to start transferring my works over, starting with my oldest oneshot from ao3 with Dimitri! It’s technically Dimileth since I like the Dimitri pairing from Byleth’s position, but it’s fully in 2nd person and I don’t use any names for Reader or anything. 

This oneshot was entirely born from having a thought of “what if Dimitri accidentally saw Byleth’s boobs and then freaked out.” Also, this one is set after Dimitri comes out of his emo phase, but before the final battle in the BL route. Just a note, there is sex at the end. Enjoy :)

----

You did not find yourself in over your head much anymore these days, but you also had a talent for finding new trouble.

You had been backed into a corner by multiple soldiers, and a horrible giant beast. The beast’s jaw opened slowly, revealing its gleaming teeth, dripping with a black substance as the soldiers by its side advanced, lances drawn and all pointed towards you. The Sword of the Creator at your side was growing weary, and you knew that it would not be enough to defeat the enemies in front of you.  

You knew that your former students were on the battlefield somewhere, but you couldn’t see them beyond the great beast that caged you in by the wall. Either way, this was too dangerous a situation for them anyways. You could only hope they would stay away. Use the chance to escape while this creature feasted on your flesh and gnawed on your bones. You didn’t want to die, but you would not allow yourself to be the cause of any of your students’ deaths. It would break you. If anyone had to die, it should be you.  

You held up your sword, ready to fight back, but the onslaught still overwhelmed you. You were able to quickly take out a few soldiers with the last remaining swipe of your mythic sword’s power before their lances got too close to you. You had no time to bask in your small victory as your sword refused to spring into action after your first swipe, only functioning as an average sword, and a dull one at that, as it lost all its power. And with its elongation use now locked away from you, you would only be able to defend yourself from close range.  

This immediately proved deadly for you, as you swerved to avoid the creature’s teeth, but found yourself on the receiving end of an enemy’s lance as it sunk in and out of your shoulder. You screamed with pain and shock as you sunk down to your knees, dropping your sword to press a hand over your wound. It hurt so badly, and you looked up as a shadow loomed over you to see the monster and remaining soldiers all radiating with the satisfaction that they were about to snuff your life out. You couldn’t even gather the strength to pick your sword back up, the pain in your shoulder was too great. Even moving your hand sent unbearable jolts of pain up and down your arm. You could do nothing but watch, eyes drawn to the lance of the soldier that had stabbed you, what must be your blood dripping off the tip and onto the ground.  

You felt all hope leave your mind as the abomination’s jaw opened wide, preparing to blast you with fire. Too weary to continue looking up, you turned your head down in defeat, hoping that your death would at least come fast. You heard a loud shout, but it was not enough to keep you from falling on your side, no strength left in your body to allow you to remain up. Your eyes slid closed, and death felt imminent.  

You felt like you were fading, and the sounds around you faded along with your hazy consciousness. There were sounds of screams and horrible growls, but you didn’t know what they meant, and couldn’t really rationalize anything but the extreme pain you felt. There was so much screaming and so much pain. It was hard to even think at all.  

“Professor!”  

A voice broke through your haze at about the same time you felt the pain lessen by a small fraction. You heard your name called, with more insistency, and you felt annoyed. You just wanted the pain to end so you could sleep. The pain was so great that in that moment you didn’t mind dying if it would end the pain.  

“If she falls unconscious, we won’t be able to save her!” You heard a soft-voiced woman assert.  

“Professor!” the calls of your name and title got louder, and more insistent, and your forehead felt wet as one voice rang out louder than the rest. “Please, Professor, I can’t lose you too...”  

The pain lessened a little more, becoming less all-encompassing, and you allowed your eyes to open. You found your vision blurry until a warmth took over the feeling of pain in your shoulder. A call of your name focused your attention directly above you.  

Dimitri was crying. It was the first thing that struck you as you gazed up at him, tears freely flowing from his uncovered eye. His eye lit up when you looked at him, and you felt the world beneath you shift.  

“Dimitri!” an airy voice angrily broke the quiet. “Don’t move!”  

You were confused, and moved your head, unintentionally shifting your shoulder and sending a wave of pain through it as you went limp against Dimitri’s lap, where you found yourself realizing that your head was resting in. You closed your eyes tightly in response to the return of extreme pain, much worse than you had ever felt before.  

“Professor, not you too! You must not move!” the woman insisted.  

Your mind felt clearer once the pain faded again to a dull ache and the warm feeling took over. You realized at once who that voice was, and you opened your eyes to look at Mercedes, who was by your injured shoulder sending healing magic into the wound. That explained the familiar feeling that you couldn’t place. She met your gaze, unable to form her usual smile as she turned back to focusing on your wound. That confused you, and you turned your head ever so slightly to look at your injury without agitating it again.  

You understood Mercedes’ current urgency. Your shoulder looked horrible. There was a large rip in the shoulder of your cloak, likely ripped further by Mercedes in an effort to get better access to the wound. There was so much blood, it matted the ripped fabric around your wound to your skin, making the area feel sticky.  

Most worrying was the blood nearest to the wound, if it was even your blood, was bleeding an oily black. Mercedes wiped a hand over the wound, clearing it to reveal a patch of gray skin surrounding the stab wound.  

“What is that?” Came Ashe’s panicked voice.  

“The enemy’s lance was poisoned, clearly,” Felix stated with a short glance behind him.  

You looked beyond where you were to realize that the area behind where you lay was covered in the bodies of the enemies that had just been closing in on you. The great beast was killed with no mercy, some of its limbs meters away from its actual body. You couldn’t stand to look at what was done to the Imperial soldiers; some with deep slashes, charred, or with arrows sticking out of their heads. It looked horrible, but not unusual for the battles you regularly faced.  

“But poison couldn’t work this fast!” Annette protested.  

“I’ve heard of weapons being enchanted with poison before,” Ashe explained.  

“Enchanted with poison...” Dimitri echoed, expression tense. “What does it look like to you, Mercedes?”  

Mercedes looked up from your wound to meet Dimitri’s eyes, but quickly looked back down. “Her wound isn’t responding to my magic. If we don’t do something, I fear she may die.”  

Mercedes looked sad and scared, but Dimitri’s growl brought your attention back to him in an instant.  

“There has to be something we can do to save her!” His desperate gaze morphed into one of hatred, one you thought you had seen the last of after Rodrigue’s death. “Tell me who I must kill and I will do it.”  

“Spoken like a boar,” Felix interjected. “You think she has the time for you to go on a murderous rampage?”  

“Felix...” Ingrid protested lowly and sadly.  

“Then what would you have me do, Felix?” Dimitri replied, anger clear in his voice. “She is dying, you can’t expect us to do nothing!”  

“I expect you not to-” Felix started.  

“Stop it!” Annette cried. “You guys need to listen to Mercie!”  

Mercedes nodded toward her best friend as Felix and Dimitri reluctantly went quiet. “There is one way to save her, but we will need everyone’s help.”  

“Me and Mercie came up with a plan!” Annette smiled softly at Mercedes, expression belying a reluctant confidence. “Healing magic can’t touch it, but regular magic should be able to negate its effects enough for healing to work on it again!”  

“And the only magic strong enough to fend off this dark poison is Annie’s fire,” Mercedes explained. “Annie will burn off the infection, and then I will heal the wound.”  

“You want to burn her?” Sylvain implored, shocked. “I know she’s tough, but...”  

“We don’t have the time to think of any other solution,” Ingrid said sadly, gesturing towards you. “Grey is spreading down her arm.”  

Everyone’s eyes shot over to your arm, and you lazily swept your gaze over as well to see that the grey skin tone had travelled down your arm, halfway towards your elbow. The grey patches looked rough, and unlike any affliction you had ever seen before. You wondered if the Imperial army had been exploring darker methods to kill than simple weaponry and monsters. It didn’t surprise you, but you should have seen it coming.  

“What do we do...?” Ashe asked quietly, as if he wasn’t ready to hear the answer.  

“You all must hold her down while Annette burns the infection away,” Mercedes answered. “It will be very painful, but if she moves, she could get hurt, so you must keep her still.”  

Dimitri looked torn as he brushed some stray hairs from your face. Even through the excruciating pain, the gesture embarrassed you. Dimitri looked to be mentally weighing options as a stray tear slipped from his chin to drop on your neck. The tear was a momentary relief, a distraction, but Mercedes couldn’t keep you from feeling all the pain in your shoulder, her healing magic seemingly less and less effective by the second as the pain began to grow stronger.  

“Professor,” Dimitri said, trying but failing to keep emotion out of his voice. “What do you want us to do?”  

You didn’t trust your ability to talk at the moment, and so you kept eye contact with him and nodded the best you could, which ended up being two slow rises and falls of your head. You could only hope that he understood what you were trying to say. He stared at you for a few seconds before he broke eye contact.  

“Dedue, Felix, take her legs,” he instructed, and the two men moved quickly towards your lower half. “Ingrid, Sylvain, take an arm each.”  

The four requested students each their place at one of your limbs, and Dimitri slowly let you out of his lap, your head now resting on the ground as he made his way over to Annette and Mercedes by your injured shoulder. “I will ensure she does not move her shoulders.”  

“Um...” Ashe spoke up hesitantly. “It’s not much, but I brought along a book I’ve been reading, and she might need something to bite down on, so she doesn’t bite off her tongue.”  

He offered the book to Dimitri, who accepted it gratefully, and with no choice, you bit down on it when Dimitri brought it to your mouth. You would have been embarrassed if you weren’t so anxious about the somehow worse pain to come. At Dimitri’s signal, your legs and arms were restrained, ensuring that you could not move them at all. When he checked that everyone had a secure hold on you, Dimitri put one hand on your uninjured shoulder, and one on your upper chest, just above your breasts. His head was just above yours, his long hair tickling your cheeks.  

“Just keep looking at me,” he whispered, voice then rising in volume. “Annette, now.”

Annette didn’t reply, but she didn’t have to. Seconds after Dimitri’s words, you felt the worst pain you have ever felt in your entire life, putting the extreme pain from before to shame. You wanted to scream, but you knew you shouldn’t, even in your haze of pain. You just bit down on the book as hard as you could to compensate. Someone held one of your hands and you squeezed their hand as hard as you could, which must have been painful, but they didn’t pull away or let go of your hand.  

A whisper of your name had you looking back up to Dimitri’s face. He looked fairly upset, but the intense levels of pain you were experiencing kept you from being able to reassure him. He smiled, a clearly forced smile, but didn’t look away from you at all, which gave you no insight into how it was going with your shoulder aside from the momentous pain, which was so hot that it now felt cold. The pain was so white hot that you had to close your eyes, teeth digging into the book’s cover.  

“You’ll be alright, professor,” Dimitri said quietly. “We can’t lose you.”  

You knew that your students would be destroyed if you died here. You knew that they would all fall apart. So you endured the pain quietly, you had no other choice. You couldn’t leave them alone after all you had all been through. You tried to stay still, but suddenly the brutal pain increased tenfold. You screamed around the book, trying to thrash your limbs, but your students remained steadfast, restricting your movement.  

“Annette!” Dimitri barked, taking his gaze from you but not his hands, which kept you pressed down.  

“I’m sorry, it’s... it’s fighting against my magic! Professor, I’m so sorry!” she replied tearfully.  

“We have to keep going, Annie,” Mercedes’ voice broke through the panic. “She has no chance if we don’t keep trying!”

With that, the incredible pain returned, and you once again regained the unpleasant taste of the book cover in your mouth as your teeth sank into the dents you had made previously. Everyone was so quiet while Annette and Mercedes worked that you could hear everyone’s breathing, and Dimitri sounded close to hyperventilating with how heavy his breaths sounded. You looked up at him, but he was looking over at your injury, not at you. He looked like he was about to cry again, and it being due to your strategic negligence was weighing on you at the moment.  

He wouldn’t look at you and looked openly panicked. You thought he would eventually feel your eyes on him, but he didn’t. He just continued to stare at the work being done on your shoulder, which you couldn’t see yourself because Mercedes and Annette blocked your sight of it entirely. You were getting used to the horrific pain at this point, so you managed to remain still. Maybe Sothis helped with your pain tolerance, since you knew that even with the pain levels you had experienced in your life, an average person could not possibly remain as still as you were able to during this kind of a procedure.  

“Mercie!” Annette cried.  

At once, the burning started to fade, as the familiar feeling of Mercedes’ magic took over, engulfing your shoulder in a light so bright that you turned your head away from it and closed your eyes. There were gasps and murmured words all around you and all at once you had a range of movement in your limbs again as everyone released their tight holds on you. Dimitri, however, kept his hands where they were, and you assumed he would wait until he knew that you would be okay.  

Annette and Mercedes finally backed up from your sider, allowing you a glance at your shoulder. There was nothing, not even a scratch, or the third-degree burns you were expecting from the fire magic. The grey patches of skin had receded entirely with Annette’s eradication of the strange poison magic. You were in awe of Mercedes’ magic, but you were far from the only one who was.  

“Remind me not to get too far away from you on the battlefield, Mercedes!” Sylvain joked.  

Sylvain’s words brought Dimitri out of his stupor and he finally released his hold on you as you reached a hand up to remove the now soggy and dented book from your mouth. You weren’t sure what to do with it since Ashe would clearly not want it back now.  

You sat up as everyone else began standing up, your muscles screaming in protest. From the pain that riddled your shoulder from all that had been done to it to the soreness in your limbs from being held down by people who put all of their strength into keeping you still, you were in pain, but not deathly pain. You waved off the chorus of worried voices asking if you were okay; you were just sore, not dying!  

Ignoring their protests, you slowly stood up, only for an arm to slide around your waist. Ready to scold Sylvain for choosing now of all times to flirt, you looked over to see a stubborn Dimitri gazing back at you, frowning with concern. It wasn’t like he had no caring before you were able to bring him out of his ten-year thirst for revenge, but he almost went overboard with how much he showed that everyone mattered to him now. And with that knowledge, you knew you weren’t about to win whatever argument he was about to start about your safety.  

“Be careful, Professor!” he chided, refusing to let go of your waist even as were found you were able to stand properly. Not without soreness, but properly enough. “You can ride back to the monastery with me.”  

You could walk just fine... probably. Your hesitation to accept must have shown on your face, because it started another bickering war.  

“She’s fine without you being a mother hen,” Felix stated dryly.  

“Felix!” Dimitri admonished, not removing his hold on you. “She was barely alive moments ago, and you want her to walk all the way back to the monastery?”  

“In case you haven’t noticed, her shoulder is fine. Do you think she wants you to baby her when she spent months trying to get you to behave like a person and not an animal?” Felix retorted.  

You would rather try to walk, to help preserve your pride, but you didn’t have the chance to speak up before the two started fighting. You weren’t sure how to break up this fight before it got worse, but luckily it was resolved for you.  

“And you two think arguing about this is going to make her feel better?” Ingrid said angrily, making her way over to you. “She will ride back with me.”  

Felix scoffed and turned away, while Dimitri went silent, allowing Ingrid to put your arm around her neck as she led you over to her waiting pegasus. You would have time to thank everyone for their help later. The whole experience and then the arguing had tired you out, and you just wanted to rest. So you got on the pegasus ahead of Ingrid and allowed her to take you back to the monastery, where you could get some sleep and recover.  

You were pushing yourself too hard and you knew it. You were still unhappy with how you had fared in the battle with Imperial troops a week before.  

And here you were, a few days later, training in the rain in the forest just outside the monastery. You had been swarmed by the students worrying about you, and your sword hand was itching to get back into practice. Nobody would agree to train with you due to your being in recovery, and Dimitri had insisted that you rest immediately, somehow even more protective of you than he had been when you were actually injured. You understood their worry, but it was getting tiring being told to rest, so you went to practice outside of the monastery to avoid everyone’s worry.  

Just your luck that it was raining, but there were battles still to be fought, so you couldn’t slack on your training. You were going stir crazy, and so you found a dead tree and began practice. The dead tree was considerably more dead looking several hours later, now bearing many stabs and slashes across it. You finally took a break and sat against the tree, surrounded by bark that littered the ground around you, dislodged from your training.  

You swiped a hand under your bangs with disgust. You hadn’t realized how sweaty you had gotten, but it felt nice to do some solo training the way you used to before you became a teacher. You were tired but felt assured that you were maintaining your sword skills even after sustaining such an injury. The rain was pouring even harder now, though you hadn’t noticed until you took a break. It must have been evening now, but with the harsh weather, it was hard for you to tell at all. The rain didn’t bother you, so you continued to lean against the tree, clothes totally soaked, but feeling at peace in that moment.  

You knew you couldn’t stay out there forever, and so you finally sheathed your sword and stood up. Casting one last glance at the dead and beaten tree, you set back off towards the monastery. Nobody else was outside due to the awful rain, and even the merchants had temporarily closed shop. The gatekeeper, determined to do his job regardless of weather, was just under the archway and greeted you with surprise, noting your soaking wet form. You gave him a smile and reassured him that you were alright, and then continued on your way back to your room to rest for the night.  

Your route back to your room took you through the entryway where you were greeted by various students and members of the church alike, who all noticed your current condition. You walked by them with a smile, brushing off their questions, until you passed by Dedue, who was just outside the dining hall. Or you tried to, as he casually stepped in your way, causing you to stop short to avoid bumping into him. You looked up at him, confused.  

“Professor,” he greeted. “Are you alright?”  

You nodded, not sure where this was going as you went to go into the dining hall, and he moved to block your way again. “His Highness has been looking for you.”  

“...why?” you asked. You had seen Dimitri earlier, so what had happened in the past few hours that he needed you for?  

“No one has been able to find you for the past eight hours,” Dedue answered. “His Highness is worried.”  

Past eight hours? It had only been a few hours... at least, that was what you had thought. You had been told before that you got really focused when you trained, but you didn’t think you had taken four hours, let alone double that time!  

You thanked Dedue for the information, and he only moved out of your way when you agreed that you would go meet Dimitri immediately outside your room, where Dedue told you the king had decided to wait for your return. Heaving a mental sigh, you crossed through the crowd of people getting a late dinner and made your way to your room. Just getting to the block of rooms, you noticed the broad figure with unruly blonde hair right where Dedue said he would be. Looking at his figure, you remembered your initial shock at his transformation, but it had been overpowered at the time with relief that he was still alive after five years of war. As if he could hear your footsteps over the sound of the rain, he turned his head to face you as you made your way over to him.  

“Professor... where were you?” he asked, and you couldn’t think of what to reply, so he pressed onward. “You think me reckless, but you go out to train in the pouring rain when you are not yet fully recovered?”  

You were surprised; how did he know?  You must have looked startled because his serious expression melted away with a genuine laugh as he reached a hand out to brush along your hair, or so you thought. He brought his hand away from your hair to show you and you stared at the twig that he held in his hand, the bark of the twig rotten and dead, much like the tree it had come from.  

“I can’t think of any other activities you would do in the rain with your sword at your side and end up with this twig in your hair,” he remarked. “You know, it usually is the professor that lectures their students about working too hard.”  

“You haven’t been my student in a long time,” you mused.  

“You may not be officially our professor, but we all rely on you for so much,” he replied thoughtfully. “You cannot expect us to not worry when our professor works herself to the point where she is liable to pass out from exhaustion in the woods without telling anyone where she has gone.”  

You immediately felt sheepish. He really had you there. You wouldn’t be able to face them if you had been abducted or killed when you had told nobody where you were going or what you were doing.  

“Please don’t look like that,” he implored you. “I am not mad. We just don’t want anything to happen to our favorite professor.”  

It seemed like they would all keep calling you professor, even though you were all equals now. You had some really stubborn former students, you mused with a smile. Dimitri then reluctantly allowed you off the hook so you could get some rest. You both said your goodnights as you went into your room and Dimitri left for his. As you stripped yourself of your heavy, wet cloak and armor and climbed into your bed, you resolved to be a little less reckless with your training. You also wondered how long you could keep such a promise in times such as this.  

It was hot. So hot. It was all that consumed your mind and body. Suddenly you realized that you had woken up. And you were only wearing a top and shorts, but you were burning up. With a groan, you assessed the situation. You felt sluggish, and so, so warm. Your throat felt sore and sitting up in your bed made you feel nauseous, so you quickly laid back down. You had to face facts; you were clearly sick.  

You knew it had to be the rain. You were outside in the rain for eight hours and overexerted yourself. The combination was a bad idea, but unfortunately you did not see it like that at the time, so here you were. Sick and feeling miserable, unable to get out of bed for fear of throwing up. You didn’t even know what time it was, but you knew that being awake was doing you no favors. You didn’t feel like being awake in this state anyways, so you had only one choice. Gardening and tea parties would have to wait until you didn’t feel like you had just drank poison.  

The feverish heat you felt kept you from sleeping however, which made you even more miserable. Feverish and now irritated that you couldn’t get to sleep, you decided to just remove your top and chest wrappings, your shorts taken off as well for good measure. You had never slept in just your underwear at the monastery before for fear of someone barging in your room without knocking, but at this point you didn’t care. Seteth’s lectures about propriety be damned. You just wanted to be less overwhelmingly warm, and so you laid back down in just your underwear, not bothering to put the blanket back on and curling up in the hopes that sleep would finally come.  

“I’ve had that one before! Remember when we had that visiting professor at the sorcery school? I think she made these for us!” Annette exclaimed excitedly.  

Mercedes nodded as she flipped the page of the new sweets book they had purchased at the market, and they both stared curiously at the next page.  

“Ooh, I always wanted to make some of those!” Annette said, pointing at the colorful pastries that were illustrated on the page.  

“Me too, Annie! We really should make some to share with everyone,” Mercedes replied.  

Their excited chatter was interrupted as Dimitri strode by their table in the dining room for what Annette estimated was likely the fifteenth time that day. He had hardly eaten what would be considered a basic nutritional amount of dinner before he resumed his cycles around the monastery.  

“Dimitri!” Annette called out to him as he was about to pass them to leave the dining hall, and he stopped in front of them. “ Mercie and I were thinking of making some sweets and having a little party with everyone!”  

Dimitri seemed distracted as he responded. “Oh, Annette... that would be...”  

“Are you alright, Dimitri?” Mercedes interjected. “You look like you have something on your mind.”  

“Oh...” Dimitri replied stiffly, coming out of his thoughts for a moment. “Has the professor been by here?”  

“No,” Mercedes shook her head. “I haven’t seen her all day.”  

“Is she okay? Do you want us to help look for her?” Annette pressed, sweets book all but forgotten in worry.  

“She should be fine...” Dimitri trailed off. “Sorry for bothering you both, your idea sounds wonderful.”  

And before either woman could protest, Dimitri exited the dining hall in a hurry, not even glancing behind him, cape fluttering with his movement. Mercedes and Annette could only watch in a haze of confusion and concern, their questions unanswered.  

If you were out training in secret again after overworking yourself in the rain the previous day... no, Dimitri dismissed the thought. He had already looked in the forest and located the tree that you had cut to ribbons the day before. You could have gone farther into the forest, but he thought that unlikely as well. You had seemed regretful when the two of you had spoken at your door the night before, and he thought it unlikely that you would immediately break a promise to him, especially after he had told you how much you and your health mattered to all of them.  

It occurred to him just then that he had neglected to check your room. It should have been the first place he checked, but it had slipped his mind. He would have to go check now. You may have decided to relax in your room for the day, and then he would have been worrying for nothing. Although he knew that you had a healthy appetite, but nobody had seen you in the dining hall at all, which was very strange.  

There was nobody at the dorms, or if they were, they must have been inside their rooms. Dimitri was able to arrive at your door with no hassle, but he couldn’t hear any sounds from inside. He knocked politely, but to no response at all.  

“Professor?” he called out as he knocked again, louder this time.  

There was still no reply, which vexed him. If you didn’t want to see anyone, you would have replied to inform him of that. Which left only one thought running wild in his mind; you must have gone out to train and been injured. Or been injured yesterday and were now in too bad or a state to even talk. Once the thought entered his mind, he was consumed with worry. Reaching out and finding the door locked, he did not spare any thought before he slammed his shoulder into the door, bursting open the lock. Without a moment to spare, he thrust open the door and rushed into your room.  

“Professor-” Dimitri exclaimed, but his eye widened in shock as he took in the scene in front of him.  

The room looked fairly normal , a similar state of cleanliness to what it had been the last time he had visited you here for tea. Your blanket was half draped on the end of the bed and half on the floor, but none of your sparse belongings were out of place.  

Dimitri found you immediately, and his cheeks immediately felt hot. You did not appear to be injured, and he was easily able to discern this because of your lack of clothes. You were curled up on your bed... in only your smallclothes. Dimitri’s mind went blank as his focus was drawn to your bare breasts. He didn’t know what to do, and he felt like he couldn’t breathe. He knew what breasts looked like, but he couldn’t remember seeing any bare but yours at this exact moment. He was transfixed, even though every instinct of his was telling him he had to look away, to protect your modesty.

And then you moaned and brought him out of his stupor. Now that he thought about it, you did not look very well. Still unsure if he was making the right decision, he closed the door behind him before making his way over to you. He removed a glove and placed his hand on your forehead, having his suspicions confirmed. You were burning up, clearly sick from training in the rain for so long the day before. He presumed that you had not left your room the entire day, which did not seem good, considering you must have spent the entire day unconscious and fevered.

He wanted to cover you up, for the sake of his waning composure, but you didn’t have the time for that and he didn’t want to overheat you further. He would have to try to disregard his embarrassment for the moment, because you needed his help, and he didn’t know how to explain to one of the women around the monastery that he had busted down your door and found you nearly naked. And you would never forgive him if he had others see you compromised like this. It was already bad enough that he had seen you like this.

He quietly left your room, glancing around to confirm that nobody was around to see him coming and going from your room so late. It was a cold night, but it did nothing to calm him down at all. Your body was beautiful, and he couldn’t get it out of his mind as he fetched a small bucket of water and a cloth before returning to your room. He mentally braced himself before opening the door to find you in pretty much the same position you had been in, laying on your back.

Prioritizing his worry for you over his shyness, he closed the door gently behind him and walked over to your bedside. He carefully wet the cloth, wringing some of the excess water out before moving your bangs to the side and placing the cloth on your forehead. You exhaled loudly but evenly in your sleep, which he took to be a positive sign.

He ended up not getting a lot of sleep that night. He stayed in your room for quite a while into the early hours of the morning, dunking the cloth in the cold water again whenever it began to be overcome by your body temperature. He never felt his lack of sleep at all, practice, he assumed, from all of his sleepless nights spent longing for revenge. He had never slept as well as he had since he had allowed himself to be free of the burdens of his dead loved ones. Not free from his obligations to them, but now he would channel his resolve into freeing Fódlan from Edelgard’s tyranny as opposed to the mindless bloodshed that he had surrounded himself with for the majority of the past five years.

You were such a comfort to him, one he thought he had lost a long time ago. You had supported him and been by his side, and he was too consumed to appreciate it until after he lost Rodrigue. He wouldn’t make the same mistake again. Not with you and all of his former classmates and friends surrounding him. They did not want him to be consumed and lost to revenge, and now he understood that the dead did not want that either. But he was not free from the choices he knew he would have to make soon, it was something that weighed on his mind. He did not want to kill his stepsister, but as he went to wet the cloth again, he was glad you would be with him when he made that decision. He needed your support, and he resolved to support you as well as he could, especially given your recent hobby of being reckless with your own health and safety.

Feeling your forehead, he was relieved to discover that your fever had finally broken. You may not have been fully healthy again, but if you were at least a normal temperature now, then he knew that he had done his job. You were still nearly naked though, and he would likely be an unwelcome sight when you woke up, and so he took the cloth and bucket and stood up. Better that you did not know he had been here; it would spare at least you of the embarrassment. But as he quickly fixed the lock back into place before opening the door and closing it behind him, he knew it would be a difficult feat to erase the sight of your uncovered body from his mind any time soon. You were so pretty, and it was all he could think about the entire way back to his room.

You woke up slowly, eyes still closed but aware that you were now awake. Your middle of the night wakeup felt almost like a dream compared to how you felt now. You felt somewhat bad still, your throat not fully better and limbs still feeling a bit heavy, but the incredible fever you had felt earlier had all but faded. You must have really been doing poorly, because a glance outside the window told you that it was morning.

You supposed that you might as well get up; there was no way to assuage worry except going to interact with everyone. You would feel better eventually. You knew that the students would worry about you. Getting up and checking with your calendar, you discovered that you had spent an entire day and night in bed.

You slowly put your clothing back on, happy to discover that it had dried all the way, pretty much a given as it had lain in a heap for over a full day on your floor. You probably looked awful after your high fever, so you headed out of your room and towards the bathhouse to freshen yourself up. Just as you went to enter, Ingrid was leaving, her hair obviously wet, and you exchanged smiles as you passed by each other.

The bathhouse was almost completely empty, save a few women, but none of your students. It made sense that there weren’t a lot of people up this early in the morning. There had just been a big battle, and there were still more to come. Everyone worked so hard, so you felt that they more than deserved to sleep in if they wanted to. But you were more than happy to finally be free from your bed, and so you stripped down and got into the water in just your towel.

You took your time to wash your hair and body, happy to not feel gross for the first time in a while. Only after scrubbing yourself to your utmost satisfaction did you relent and get redressed, leaving the bathhouse behind and feeling fully refreshed. Stifling a yawn, you decided to head over to the dining hall as your stomach yearned for food after so long without.

“Good morning, Professor,” Mercedes greeted you as you both entered the dining hall together. “Did you also hear that they would be including sugar scones in today’s breakfast menu?”

You hadn’t heard anything about menus at all, but any food sounded good to you at this point. You couldn’t remember if you had eaten sugar scones before, but they sounded like something you would like. You and Mercedes walked up to the front of the hall together, both accepting a plate of assorted muffins and colorful scones that were sparkling with sugar.

“Oh, I just love these!” Mercedes spoke cheerily as the two of you found a free section of table and sat down across from each other. “Have you had sugar scones before, Professor?”

You shook your head no and she giggled. “Well, I would recommend spreading some Albenian berry jam on them,” she informed you happily, gesturing to the small dish of red jelly that was situated in the middle of your plate. “These are one of Annie’s favorites, so I thought she would be here by now…”

As if on cue, Annette burst through the doorway to the dining hall, almost tripping as she skidded to a stop just in time to turn and rush towards the dining hall staff for her tray of breakfast sweets. She waved happily at you and Mercedes as she passed you to get to the front. The two of you watched, amused, as Annette was scolded by the head chef for running in the dining hall. She sheepishly apologized and received her tray of sweets, which brought a smile back onto her face as she turned and made her way over to you, taking a seat next to Mercedes.

“Sorry I’m late! I thought scone day was tomorrow!” Annette explained as she took in the sight of her breakfast tray.

“You’re so forgetful, Annie,” Mercedes teased with a smile.

“Well at least I got here in time!” Annette huffed, wasting no time in smearing jam all over one of her scones and taking a big bite out of it.

“That is true,” Mercedes agreed, before turning her head to look at you. “Do you like them, Professor?”

You had tried a bite while they were talking, spreading the jam like Mercedes had suggested, and found that you did like them. You must have missed it when these had been served in the dining hall before. You had eaten an entire scone by the time Mercedes had asked the question, and you were interrupted before you could answer her.

“Mind if I join you ladies?” Sylvain asked from behind you.

“Of course, Sylvain,” Mercedes replied, and he slid in right next to you with his own plate of food that he placed down in front of himself.

“I feel like I missed seeing your pretty face around here the past few days,” Sylvain said, popping an entire scone in his mouth as he looked over at you.

“You never change, do you?” Ingrid said wearingly as she sat down on your other side. “You think that she hasn’t had enough of your behavior already?”

“Ingrid…” Sylvain groaned. “She got a hole cut out of her not that long ago, I just want to make sure she’s okay.”

“And you thought your flirting would heal her wounds?” Felix raised an eyebrow as he sat down next to Mercedes. “You delusions never end.”

“Hey, why is everyone turning on me?” Sylvain complained, and you laughed. “Not you too, Professor! You wound me!”

Now Annette and Mercedes laughed, while Felix rolled his eyes and Ingrid smiled and shook her head. You all ate your breakfast while chatting, slowly adding Ashe and Dedue to your midst. Even when Dedue didn’t appear to be coming to sit with your group, Annette called his name and beckoned him over to join your table, while Ashe was convinced as soon as he saw your group all together. It was very lively, and almost made you forget that there was a war looming over you all. But just because you would soon have to kill or be killed yet again did not mean that you couldn’t enjoy the company of your lively house members.

“Hey, shouldn’t Dimitri be up by now?” Annette wondered out loud.

“That’s true,” Ingrid agreed. “He’s never been one to sleep in.”

“I can go and check his room,” Dedue volunteered. “If he is not there, then he may-”

“No need!” Annette replied. “I see him now! Dimitri, over here!”

The tall blonde king had just walked into the dining hall, and looked your way at Annette’s call, noticing your entire group all sitting together and walking over to approach you all. Before anyone could stop him or insist that he didn’t have to, Dedue was up from his seat to grab Dimitri a plate of breakfast from the cooks at the front. Some other people stopped Dimitri to talk quickly or greet him, and so he arrived at your table just as Dedue had brought back a plate for him, which he accepted gratefully, knowing better than to try to dissuade his friend from performing errands without being asked by this point. He sat down next to Dedue, and Annette got up to bring over some tea to share with everyone. It was the most cheerful that you all had been during this time of war, and you could not recall a time when you had been happier.

You talked with Ingrid about how her pegasus was doing, and she happily invited you to come flying with her if you would like, to which Mercedes and Annette chimed in that they would love to fly with her as well. Meanwhile, Sylvain on your other side informed you that his horse was available for riding lessons as well, to which Ashe mentioned that he wanted to improve his riding skills, and Sylvain looked marginally defeated. You were having so much fun talking with everyone that you didn’t notice anything amiss with Dimitri at all.

“Are you ill, Your Highness?” Dedue said, with no intentions of being discreet with his volume management. “You have not touched your food.”

Everyone paused their conversations to stare at the king, who had been staring at his plate until Dedue had spoken up to him. He looked up at the sudden silence, surprised to see everyone’s eyes on him. He gave Dedue a small smile, assuring him that he was alright, which Dedue reluctantly accepted, but it was not good enough for Ingrid.

“You don’t look very well, Dimitri,” she insisted, leaning forward a bit to get a better look at him. “Have you been sleeping alright?”

He looked over, meeting your eyes for a very brief moment before immediately looking at Ingrid, ignoring your confused stare. “I am fine,” he said reassuringly, shaking his head with a laugh when Ingrid gave him a hard look. “Really, Ingrid. I am alright.”

“If you don’t sleep, you’re just making it easier for the enemy to cut you down,” Felix said sharply.

“I bought some tea at the market that is supposed to help with sleeping problems if you would like to try some,” Mercedes offered.

“I promise you all that I am alright,” Dimitri insisted with a smile.

Sensing that a change of mood was in order, you offered the last remaining thing on your plate, a Dagda fruit muffin, to Sylvain. You found that you did not like Dadga fruit tea, and so you figured that it would be better to give it to someone who would appreciate it more. And it didn’t hurt as a conversation swap either.

“You don’t want it, Professor?” he asked, blinking at you, surprised.

You shook your head, holding the plate a little closer to him, and he shrugged, grinning at you. “Who am I to refuse you? Thanks for the muffin.”

Sylvain ate the muffin in a few bites as Dimitri finally began to pick at his own tray. You tried again to catch his eye, but he was determined to stare down at his plate. Conversation began to pick up again as Annette started to tell a story from back when they were all students. The conversation took a nostalgic turn as everyone then began sharing stories from their school lives five years prior.

“Not to be rude, but I thought you hated us at first!” Annette told you, blushing slightly with embarrassment.

“I must confess that I felt the same at the start,” Ashe agreed, quickly adding, “but we couldn’t be where we are now without you.”

“I do remember calling you beautiful and you just stared at me... I thought you didn’t hear me for a second,” Sylvain recalled.

“How is that any different from now?” Felix sneered.

“That is true,” Mercedes agreed. “Just the other day I saw a village girl just turn around and leave without saying anything.”

“Mercedes!” Sylvain’s jaw went slack. “You saw that?”

“I see your success rate hasn’t changed,” Felix scoffed.

Sylvain really had no comeback for that, and you were far from the only one at the table to laugh at his plight. Giggling, you locked eyes with Annette, who you noticed had also finished her plate. Nodding at each other, you both got up from the table to take your empty plates back.

“I feel like I’ve got my muffin fix for a while!” she joked as you handed your empty plates to the dining hall staff.

“What are your plans for the day?” you asked her, and she smiled.

“Don’t tell Mercie, but she was talking about how she missed these sweet ginger cakes we had when we were younger, and I was going to make some to surprise her with!” she whispered excitedly.

You were glad that Annette was such an endless supply of joy and kindness. You knew how much everyone appreciated any distractions from the mounting scale of war you were faced with, and so you also would have to do your best to keep a happy demeanor about yourself. Annette’s eyes drifted from yours as you both got back to the table as she stared ahead.

“Hey, where did Dimitri go?” she asked.

You looked over to where Annette had her eyes set and noticed that your table was missing its blonde king. You both must have looked incredibly confused, because Dedue decided to put you out of your misery.

“His Highness… had something to attend to.” Even Dedue sounded puzzled.

“Yeah, he just said that he had forgotten to do something and left…” Ingrid added, her eyebrows drawn together.

“Maybe he just had a bad reaction to the muffins?” Sylvain suggested, but one look at Dimitri’s plate told you that he hadn’t eaten a single thing from his plate.

He was acting weird, but he didn’t seem to be sliding back into his darkness again. Even so, you would have to check on him later, just to make sure. You had abandoned him for five years, even if it wasn’t by choice, and you would never leave his side again until the day came when he no longer needed you. You wouldn’t lose him again, not when everyone, when Faerghus, needed him.

Dimitri walked briskly to the cathedral, taking up his usual spot in front of the rubble that had once been a proud altar. He knew that he was clearly acting off, and his friends would eventually come and make sure he was okay. And he knew that he was not doing well, but it was not the type of problem that he imagined that they thought that he was dealing with. He had never dealt with anything like this before, and he didn’t know what to do. And so, he stared at the rubble, but too lost in thoughts to take in the scenery.

He couldn’t sleep at all the night before, and he didn’t know how he would get any sleep tonight. Seeing your mostly nude body had awoken within him feelings that he had kept himself from feeling for so long. He had been so focused on revenge for the entirety of his developing years that he had never allowed himself to think of romance as more than a faraway concept. He had sheltered himself for so long, and now the reality of his situation was hitting him with the full force that it would have had he allowed himself when he was a teenager. Instead, he was an adult man who was only now realizing the depths that his feelings could reach. He loved you, and it scared him.

He knew that he couldn’t avoid you forever. You had a war to win, and he couldn’t avoid his closest ally, even if he happened to just discover his feelings for you. He wanted desperately to be near you, but even with your widening range of emotions, he had seen no indication that you had any romantic feelings towards him. And besides, you would never talk to him again if you found out that he had stayed in your room while you were not fully dressed, even if it was to help you recover from your fever. He would live with his shame and hide his feelings, and would channel his energy into the war. Although that still didn’t resolve how he was going to sleep tonight, since he knew that every time he closed his eyes that night he would see your perfect breasts or your kind smile.

He had spent the last few hours of the night after he had returned to his room staring out of his window into the night sky. He had wrestled with his longing to go back there and tell you how he felt, kiss you… but you were sick. You needed rest. And you certainly did not need to have to deal with this new revelation of his. He relied on you for so much that he would crumble without your support, and so he just had to accept that your support would never be that of a wife’s to him.

He felt like a preteen boy. He couldn’t even stand to meet eyes with you in the dining hall earlier. He was so focused on staring at his plate that he could barely hear what anyone else had said. He had met your eyes for only half a second and even that was too much for him in his current state. You had looked worried for him, worries that he didn’t feel that he could assuage. He would have to keep his distance from you until he could resolve this within himself.

He must have been lost in thought for a while because eventually, he realized that Dedue was by his side. He gave Dedue a nod and then turned back to face the rubble, but a call of his title had him looking back to his stoic friend.

“Is everything alright, Your Highness?” Dedue asked simply.

“I…” Dimitri was not sure what to say.

“When I pledged myself to you, I intended to ensure that no harm came to you,” Dedue explained. “If anyone has been upsetting you, or you are suffering a cursed ailment, you need only to tell me and I will scourge whoever dared to curse you.”

Dimitri could never have a normal conversation with him during this war, could he? There were so many threats to his life, he was willing to admit, but Dedue never ceased to worry, even when everything was stable for the moment. He knew that Dedue cared about him, but he always thought the worst of things when it concerned his king.

“I have no injuries or curses, my friend,” he told Dedue who looked entirely unconvinced.

“If it is something that you feel that you cannot tell the others…” Dedue’s offer was implied. He was concerned, that much Dimitri could tell easily.

“For now, it is something that I must handle on my own,” Dimitri said, not meeting his friend’s eyes.

It took some convincing, but Dedue finally relented in his insistence that he walk the king back to his room, despite the fact that they were on entirely different floors. He also rebuffed Dedue’s offer to stand guard outside his room the entire night to defend him from attackers. Dedue had finally, reluctantly relented and allowed Dimitri to finally return to his room alone. He was careful to check that he hadn’t been followed; Dedue had done it before, after all. But he saw no signs of anyone following him and arrived on the second floor of the dormitories, not meeting anyone on the way down the hall and to his room.

It was early in the night, he discovered as he returned to his room. It was earlier than he usually went to sleep, but being awake for closing in on thirty or so hours was wearing on him. With getting some rest potentially in sight, he sat on his bed and began the painstaking process of removing his armor. He let out a tired sigh as his leg armor came off, and he carefully placed it aside before repeating the process on his upper armor, removing his cape and furs as well when he had taken his armor off. He was left in just his long black undershirt and black pants, which was all he wore when he slept these days. Although he did recall that he had previously pushed himself to the point of collapse when in his full armor before, and waking up from that had never felt pleasant on his body. But given his state of mind at the time, he simply got up and continued to do the work he felt needed to be done; being sore never kept him from the slaughter. But as he was now, he appreciated that he could take his armor off at the end of the day and rest. He never knew how nice it would feel to let down his last layer of defense and truly be himself around his friends with nothing to hide. Well, he thought, nothing to hide but his attraction to you that refused to wane.

He would try to sleep; at least now he was in his room, where he was not likely to run into you. His onset affection for you was so strong that he didn’t think it would go away, and he did not know if that was a good thing or not. He took off his shoes, setting them down before laying down on his bed and closing his eyes in the hope that sleep would find him.

You had spent your day talking to the other occupants of the monastery, doing your best to confirm that everyone was doing alright. You knew that this war weighed on everyone’s souls, and if you could do anything to help, you would. And so, you did some light training with Felix, went to the marketplace with Ashe, and ended up helping Annette do some baking for Mercedes, which did not result in any kitchen disasters for once, which was a relief. You had seen Dimitri in the cathedral earlier, in that same place he had always gone before he had broken free of his darkness. You decided to give him some space, but when you passed by the cathedral again later in the evening, he was no longer in his usual spot in front of the rubble.

Whatever was wrong with him, you wanted to give him time. You really did. But if he was sinking back into his inner darkness, then you couldn’t stand by and let it happen again. You walked around the monastery grounds but were unable to find him. As a last ditch effort, you decided to head to the second floor of the dormitories to check and see if he was in his room. You passed various people as they headed to their own rooms to retire for the night, smiling as Flayn excitedly wished you a good night as you passed by her. Finally, you arrived at what you recalled to be Dimitri’s bedroom door.

You raised a hand and lightly knocked on the door. No answer. Maybe he had gone for a late night walk and you had just missed him on your walk around the monastery. You knocked one more time, slightly louder, but still got no response. You couldn’t hear any sounds from at all from the other side of the door. Having no choice, you reluctantly decided to leave and head back to your own room. You could talk with Dimitri the next time you saw him, you reassured yourself. And so, you began to retreat the way that you had come, off to get some sleep and hopefully wake up fully free from your sickness.

“Professor…”

It was so quiet that you almost didn’t detect it, but you supposed your sensitivity on the battlefield allowed you to pick up the muted whisper of your old title. You turned your head back, not sure what to expect, but found Dimitri in only pants and a long-sleeved shirt, both in black, staring at you from just outside his room. He met your gaze with a look of surprise on his face, almost as if he had not expected you to hear him or turn back to look. You made your way back over to him, and he opened his door wider and gestured for you to accompany him inside.

He walked all the way to his window before turning only his head back to face you. His expression was unreadable, but yours certainly wasn’t, and he immediately saw the worry on your face.

“Are you okay?” you asked quietly. You knew that you couldn’t make him talk if he didn’t want to but you needed him to know that you were here for him.

“You never let up, do you?” he asked, and you vaguely recalled him saying something like that to you in the past. Before you could reply, he continued. “I could not be who I am today without your help.”

Why was he saying that now, and then why did he look so troubled? You didn’t understand where he was going with this, and were about to tell him so.

“I could not stand to lose you,” he spoke slowly, finally turning around fully and stepping slightly closer to you. “But I fear that I may if I tell you what is on my mind.”

“That is not possible,” you countered, staring him down sternly.

Dimitri only grew a small sad smile at your words. He looked to be waging a mental war on himself, but you bridged the gap that was still between you and forced him to look at you in the eyes. You looked at him with all the seriousness you could manage in an attempt to convey to him that you would listen to anything that he had to say. He broke eye contact with you almost immediately, staring at the floor as he spoke quietly.

“You had a fever,” he explained. “Nobody had seen you the day after you were out in the rain. I went to check on you, and you were not answering your door and I…”

Your eyes went wide in surprise. That night, you were…

“I am so sorry, Professor!” he spoke, sounding upset as he hung his head in shame. “I saw you in a state that only your husband should see you in and I-”

His rambling cut off and you looked at him, trying desperately to have him meet your eyes, but he continued to look at the floor, so you took a second to reevaluate these new revelations. Dimitri had not fully explained, but from what you had pieced together, he had been worried about you and came into your room, which must have been after you had stripped down to only your underwear, based on Dimitri’s odd husband comment. You felt a rush of embarrassment that he had seen you like that, but you found that you were more bothered that he had seen you looking so weak rather than the fact that he had seen you nearly naked. But you also found that you didn’t really mind that it was him that had seen you that way.

“I… I did not leave you be. I could not. I stayed with you and kept a cold cloth on your forehead until your fever broke. I should have left, but I could not just leave you like that,” Dimitri spoke up again.

He was so earnest that it was cute. Apologizing for seeing you nearly nude was one thing, but you stifled a laugh as he was for some reason apologizing for staying with you and taking care of you while you were sick. He was fiercely intelligent, brave in the face of the hardships of war, but looking at him now, he looked like an awkward teenager trapped in the body of a grown man. You could no longer help yourself, and you let out a quiet giggle.

“Professor?” Dimitri uttered as he looked at you in shock and you laughed at his expression.

“You’re so cute,” you told him, and watched as your words sent a pink flush to his cheeks as he stared at you in disbelief.

You knew that you should do something to put him out of his misery, but you weren’t sure what. You reached a hand up to cup one of his cheeks, and he looked at you unsteadily, closing his eye as he leaned into your touch. You weren’t sure why you had decided to reach out for him physically, but staring at his handsome face, so close to your own, you felt the most comfortable and safe you had ever felt. You closed your eyes too to bask in the moment, but then he said your name, not your title, but your actual name. You opened your eyes again and the two of you stared at each other and he raised his own hand to cover yours that was still on his cheek. He had an urgency in his eyes that you could not place.

“I need to kiss you,” he said, not breaking eye contact, unwavering under your surprised look.

You really shouldn’t have been as surprised as you were, given how physically close the two of you were now, and how emotionally close you had been to each other for so long, but you hadn’t had the time to think that this was even a possibility. Overpowering all of your mind was the sense that this was all that you wanted in this moment. He was different than he had been when you had reunited with him, but he had broken free of his darkness, and had become the kind, strong leader that his people needed. That you all needed. He was your dearest friend, but right now you wanted him to kiss you more than anything, and so you nodded.

He didn’t waste any more than a few seconds before bending down and connecting your lips as your eyes slid closed as the same time. You adjusted your chin so you would be better locked together as your other hand weakly grasped at the material of his shirt, just above his chest. The kiss felt so effortless, as you both adjusted to the other’s rhythm and Dimitri’s other hand came up to rest on the back of your head, keeping you close together.

The kiss stayed simple, but it was making you feel lightheaded with the intensity that you were both putting into it. You pulled away, not confident in your ability to breathe at the moment and he followed, gently steering you back until the back of your knees hit his bed and you allowed him to push you back down onto it.

You found yourself laying on your back as Dimitri hovered over you, his legs on either side of you. He was upright with his knees pressed against your upper thighs, looking at you with want but unsure of how to proceed. While he sat there in a daze, you shrugged your coat off and gently removed your gauntlets, letting it all fall down in a heap by the bedside, and as you did, you noticed a pile of Dimitri’s own clothing and armor only a few feet away.

When you looked back up, you noticed that Dimitri had been following you with his gaze, but he still looked unsure. You had no idea what was going on in his head or what had happened to his confidence, but you decided that you would have to make it abundantly clear that you would like this to continue. And so, you lifted your torso up from the bed and wriggled out of your shirt, throwing everything that covered your upper body onto the floor and watching Dimitri’s eye widen and cheeks turned red as he once again took in the sight of your bare breasts. You were just happy that you were conscious this time so you could enjoy his very honest reaction.

He was still staring, this time he had switched back to look you in the eyes and you couldn’t help but tease him. “Dimitri, your shirt…”

He finally relaxed a bit and smiled so sweetly down at you. “I suppose I should make it even.”

You had never seen him shirtless before, but the scars on his body told you what he could never bring himself to about what had happened to him over the past ten years. He gave you no explanation, and did not give you the time to fully examine all of his scars as he lowered his head down and kissed you again, feeding in your boldness as he supported himself with one hand, bringing his other hand up to feel one breast. The shock of his sudden movements had you moaning in surprise, and the kiss transitioned further as you both allowed your tongues to meet as well.

You cradled his head in your hands, bringing one hand through his hair, so much longer than it had been five years earlier. Finding yourself wanting to be even closer to him, you brought one leg out from under him and wrapped it around his hip. The position allowed you to grind up against him, and he met your hips excitedly as you kissed and you felt a shiver go down your spine as you realized how much he wanted this, your hips so close together that you could not miss how hard he had become in such little time. The friction was exactly where you wanted it, but it began to not feel like anywhere close to enough.

He pulled back from you by a few centimeters, nose still touching yours, and his hand that was not supporting his weight drifted from your breast to brush a hand through your hair. “I love you,” he said sincerely, chuckling as you looked up at him in shock. “You did not think I loved you?”

He seemed amused by your lack of response, and in truth you did not know, you had been so happy to be like this with him that you hadn’t even considered the feelings that were obviously involved. But you could not deny how happy those words made you, and he leaned down to kiss you again as a smile lit up your face. He gave you a few short kisses before he disengaged himself from you, sitting at the side of the bed, and you hastened to join him. He looked over as you hesitantly placed your head on his shoulder, and he readily accepted the contact.

“I did not think that I would ever feel like this… that I deserved to feel this way with you. I escaped the darkness that I had been trapped in, but I know there are those who will never forgive me for the sins I have committed. But you stuck by my side when I treated you so poorly. I don’t deserve you… any of you,” he said, staring at the wall but wrapping an arm around your naked back.

“You are indispensable to me,” he said as he leaned over to kiss your hair. “I knew that I would not be here without you, but I did not realize my feelings until that night.”

You knew which night he meant, but you had taken even longer than him to discover your own feelings, but you knew now. You loved him, and there was no going back now, even if you wanted to. Which, sitting side by side in this moment, you knew that you only wanted to experience even more with this man who was so dear to you.

“I wanted to wait until after the war, until we had peace. But after that night, I could not look back at you without seeing your bare form. It is shameful, but I cannot hold back any longer, especially now that I know it is mutual,” he explained, adjusting the both of you so that you were facing each other. “I want to be with you.”

He was looking at you expectantly, but kindly. You realized that he needed you to also affirm that this was real, that you loved him as well. He believed in you, but you knew that you should put the poor boy out of his misery. You leaned in to kiss him and he reciprocated happily, pulling back after a few seconds, eyes fluttering open to look at Dimitri, who looked so content in that moment.

“I love you,” you told him, truly meaning it. “I want to be with you.”

Dimitri looked so happy, but with a glance downwards, you saw that he was no less hard. It looked rather painful, and couldn’t be comfortable for him. You were not as subtle as you thought you had been, and he caught your glance downwards on his form.

“I… it is okay, I would never pressure you. You do not have to worry about me,” he said quickly, face flushing pink.

He was about to get up and put some distance between you, but you would not let that happen. You stood up with him and spoke his name softly as you slipped your hands into the sides of your shorts, pulling them down along with your tights and slipping out of them and your boots. It was not a particularly graceful or sexy stripping of your last articles of clothing, but it got the job done. You crossed the room to where he was standing and he allowed you to begin the process of removing the clothes covering his lower half.

“If this is what you really want,” his growled words sent your cheeks aflame. “I will not hold back, my love.”

He helped you by kicking his pants and underwear off, and as soon as you were both fully naked, he picked you up, his hands grasping your thighs to support you. You hastily wrapped your legs and arms around him so you wouldn’t fall, and he grinned at you as he placed you down on the bed, following you down so he could kiss you again. Dimitri kissed you for only a moment longer as you desperately tried to keep up with his pace. You were so ready for what was to come, and you pulled back from the kiss and gazed up at him with longing.

Dimitri swallowed as he looked down at you, and you spread your legs as he reached down to his achingly hard cock. You were embarrassed to discover that you were easily wet enough from just kisses and simple groping that Dimitri was able to rub himself against you before he began to slide himself inside with ease. You let out a breathy moan as you tried not to squirm at the foreign feeling. Dimitri’s eyes closed as he dropped down to rest his head on your shoulder, his deep groan right by your ear as he pushed further inside you. Finally, your hips fully met as he was seated fully within you, and you knew that you had never felt anything like this before. You knew what sex was, your father had been too awkward to give you the talk himself and had a female village chief explain to it to you after you had saved their village, so you knew the basics. But no explanation could match up with how good it felt to be so intimate with the man you loved.

You felt his breath tickle your ear as he pulled himself back up, his eyes half lidded. “You feel so good… forgive me, but it is hard for me to focus on anything else.”

You felt the same way, but you didn’t have the patience for him to wait and adjust to this feeling, so you decided to force the issue by squeezing your inner muscles and watching as he shuddered, eye fluttering closed for a moment with a groan. He opened his eye to glare halfheartedly at you, obviously too pleased at the moment for you to believe that he was actually angry with you.

“You are so impatient,” he teased, but complied with your wishes as he pulled ever so slightly out of you before canting his hips back into yours.

He didn’t waste a second in continuing the movement, and his gentle rocking was driving you crazy. You were completely naked, and it had been a cold month, but you were so, so warm. There was a pleasant burn that was slowly ebbing away to just feel good in a way that you had never felt before. Evidently this was new to Dimitri as well, because he was in no better of a state than you were, panting against your skin as he leaned down to kiss at your neck. You were content to lay like that, your arms around his neck and feeling his hair tickle your face, but a well-timed thrust had you unexpectedly crying out with the sudden spike of pleasure.

Dimitri couldn’t suppress his own groan as he was able to reach deeper within you. And when you rolled your hips up to meet him, he almost stopped his momentum to bask in how good it felt. He once again palmed your breasts and stifled your moan as he kissed you again. He closed his eye as he kissed you because he feared that if he was to keep it open and take in the way you looked right now, this would end far sooner than he wanted. You were so beautiful like this, and his heart stuttered with every sound that left your mouth.

He wanted this to last, but he could no longer be satisfied with the current pace. He began to pull out more swiftly and push back in with a new speed and intensity. He felt pride surge up in him as you squirmed and broke the kiss to let out another cute cry. Your next cry was of his name, which set his pace on fire as you both rapidly tried to meet your ends as you both connected in a desperate clashing of tongues, both groping at any inch of the other’s skin that you could reach.

“I fear this will not last much longer, beloved,” Dimitri panted. “But we have so much more time ahead of us.”

You weren’t fully sure what he meant by that, but at this point you were so close to reaching your peak that you could do no more than moan and grasp weakly onto his neck and back, tangling one hand in his hair. You closed your eyes tightly as Dimitri held you as close to him as he could, his chest brushing against yours in tandem with his thrusting. It only took a bit more of his harsh, fast pace before you lost yourself in pleasure. Dimitri continued to move, prolonging your orgasm as you moaned and squeezed around him. He could only hold out for so long and he was finally pushed over the edge with a strained groan of your name. The two of you stayed joined for a moment before Dimitri gently moved off of you, giving you a shy smile. You went to get up with him, but he stopped you with a hand on your arm and you obeyed, laying back down, but looked at him quizzically.

“You may not want to get up. We have made quite a mess,” Dimitri said reluctantly.

He wasn’t making eye contact anymore, and you followed his gaze downwards on your body. Oh. Without the feeling to distract you, you realized just how gross you were feeling… down there. You closed your legs tightly in embarrassment, and in the hopes that you wouldn’t ruin Dimitri’s sheets. Feeling an onset of bashfulness, you also brought an arm up to cover as much of your chest as you could; despite what you had just done with him, the reality of the situation was catching up to you.

Dimitri laughed at your sudden shyness. “I will go fetch something to clean you up with,” he explained, beginning to dress himself to his first layer of clothing, foregoing his armor.

He bent down to kiss one of your flushed cheeks, and then he was gone out the door. Once the door had been closed and you were alone, you felt all of your remaining composure slip away. You and Dimitri had… you had no idea how he was so much more composed than you were, easily leaving the room to bring back something to clean you up. You felt too embarrassed to leave this room for a month, let alone right after you had been so intimate for the first time. You did not even know what to say to Dimitri when he got back, but you would dare to hope he had meant what he said, implying that he wanted to do this again. That he loved you. But for now, all you could do was wait for him to return.

Dimitri kept a relatively quick pace to fetch a cloth, although for a much different reason than the previous time. He still had a hard time believing that had just happened, that you and he were… he loved you, and he would not deny it even if being open about it was so new for him. Smiling to himself, he wistfully hoped that you would agree to spend the night in his room. He would not force you, but he could not deny that the idea of waking up and seeing your beautiful face first thing in the morning set his heart aflutter.

Dimitri had gotten to the middle of the hallway before he noticed someone waving at him just past his room, standing at the end of the hallway. Sylvain grinned at him as Dimitri walked past his own room to meet his friend just outside the redhead’s room.

“Late night walk, Your Highness?” Sylvain quipped, eyes briefly darting down to the towel in Dimitri’s grasp.

Dimitri was silent for a moment too long, wondering what to respond, and Sylvain laughed awkwardly, running a hand through his hair. “Just one thing though, you might want to noise-proof your room.”

“Sylvain!” Dimitri admonished, shocked.

“Hey!” Sylvain waved his hands in a defensive manner. “It wasn’t me! But, uh, Felix was just here complaining that you and the Professor were interrupting his sleep…”

Dimitri was not sure what to say to that, and immediately felt bad because he was sure that you would be embarrassed if you knew that you two had been heard. Dimitri turned a hard gaze to Sylvain; his childhood friend had not been known to be the most trustworthy with gossip, but Sylvain immediately knew what Dimitri was thinking, and what he was likely about to say.

“I wasn’t going to tell anyone, relax!” Sylvain stated quickly. “Just be careful, ladies don’t really like having an audience.”

Dimitri scoffed, but smiled at his friend. “I will keep that in mind, Sylvain.”

Relieved that Dimitri was not mad at him, he clasped one of his friend’s shoulders. “I won’t keep you from her, but I just wanted to say that I’m happy for you. You deserve to be happy, Dimitri. Just don’t let her get away!” he joked.

Both men having said their piece, turned to go to their respective rooms. Dimitri could only hope that you hadn’t heard any of their conversation. The last thing he wanted to do was scare you away or make you uncomfortable. But as he opened the door, he found you still on his bed, shutting the door behind him without looking back because he could not stand to look away from the smile you gave him upon seeing him return.

It hadn’t been long, but you felt happiness surge up in you at the sight of him. He briskly made his way over to you and handed you the towel he had brought, to your great relief. It would be too embarrassing to have him clean you, and so you accepted the towel gratefully, cleaning yourself as he turned his back to give you some privacy. You made quick work of cleaning yourself, feeling less of a mess immediately, other than your hair still being slightly matted to your forehead with sweat. You wanted to savor this moment, but you also wanted to know if he had really meant what he had said earlier.

Dimitri, not noticing the shift in your mood, leaned down onto the bed just as you sat up so he could give you a light kiss. He looked so happy when he pulled away from you, his smile unwavering. It was only then that he noticed how strained your small smile was. “My love…?”

“…you said we would have more time,” you said quietly, and his brows drew together in confusion, before nodding affirmatively.

“You have not figured it out yet?” Dimitri teased, reaching down to hold your hand. “I would hope that this was not the only time we would be together like this.”

You were still confused, and he noticed immediately. “I do not mean only in a carnal sense. This is a rather unusual setting, but I have no regrets. I want to marry you.”

Oh... You stared at him in shock. You weren’t sure what you were expecting him to say, only just nervous that he would tell you to leave, that this was a one-time thing. But he had gone in the farthest direction possible from what you had feared. You found that you really wanted this, you wanted to marry him, wanted to stay by his side forever. None of your thoughts made it to your face, your expression blank as you stared at him. Dimitri didn’t seem to understand what you were thinking, and got a little anxious himself.

“If you do not want to, of course…” he muttered. “I do not have a ring, yet I decided to ask this of you. I understand if you do not want this with me.”

He had seemingly already decided his fate, and you smiled softly at him. “I accept.”

“You… you do?” he sounded surprised, and you weren’t quite sure why. He was a wonderful man, and you loved him so much. He was a fool to think anything otherwise. Especially after what you had just done together, and all you both had been through.

He had finally seemed to get the message, and practically lunged towards you, connecting your lips together in a rough kiss. This war would end, you knew, and then the two of you could build a peaceful world together. You looked forward to that, but you knew that you would have Dimitri at your side for anything that came your way, and that gave you all the confidence you could ever need.

[bright-molina]

Everything I Didn’t Say (Part One)

synopsis: You knew Sunset Curve would make it big. What you didn’t expect, though, was losing the people that mattered most to you. Now you’re left to navigate all the regrets you were left with. Turns out you’re not the only one with regrets though.

word count: 4.8k

pairing: Luke Patterson x reader

warnings: mentions of the guys dying, mentions of grief, there’s also a bit where reader goes to therapy if that counts as a warning

a/n: For @jatpx5sos​ Week Day Two: Parallels! The parallel I used is Everything I Didn’t Say and Unsaid Emily. This is also part one of about nine of the Everything I Didn’t Say series which I’m so freakin excited about not gonna lie. The second part will be up in a couple days! 

Also real quick, the bold italics are the lyrics just as a note.

“You can’t be sneaking in here, you know.”

“I know. But I wanted to see you.”

Luke smiled as he slid into the seat beside you, not hesitating at all to take your hand, press his lips to the back of it, then lean his head on your shoulder. Each action a silent acknowledgment that he really had missed you quite a bit in the last few hours since you’d seen him.

The moment was broken up quickly by Bobby taking a seat right on the opposite side of Luke. He set his head on the palm of his hand and looked up with wide eyes and a smirk. “What about me? Did you want to see me too?”

“Oh always.” Luke answered just as easily with his own smirk, shooting a wink in his direction. Your laugh and Reggie’s mingled together as he and Alex approached the table just in time to hear the last of their quips. Meanwhile Alex only smiled in amusement while he dug out the item he was looking for from his backpack.

You took the notebook back from him and he took his usual seat across from you. As you waited for his feedback you noticed Luke’s attention narrow at the item and you wordlessly handed it over to him. Almost immediately he sat up to eagerly search for the page that held the newest song you were working on.

Your attention remained focused on Alex. “What do you think, will it work?”

“Yeah, I think so,” Alex nodded, glancing at where Luke was now looking through the most recent lyrics you had added, he and Bobby quickly jumping into a conversation about possible rhythms and melodies.

“Well I know so,” Reggie nudged his shoulder and grinned as he turned to face you. “The song screams drum heavy and if anyone can do it it’s our Alex. We were gonna stop by the music rooms during free period to work some stuff out. You should come with!”

Just as you were about to argue that you couldn’t Luke looked away from the notebook, his pencil leaving a half finished word behind. “Forget that, let’s just head back to Bobby’s. We’ll work on it and have the chorus nailed by the end of the day.”

It took very little convincing for the three boys to agree to Luke’s proposition, each of them stuffing what was left of their lunches in their bags. You, on the other hand, stayed silent. A fact which they noted.

It was a place you had found yourself in dozens of times before. Reggie, Alex, and Bobby said their goodbyes to you and moved just far away enough to pretend they couldn’t hear you and Luke talking.

This time was different though. It wasn’t just another harmless practice session to mess around in. In exactly four days time Sunset Curve would be playing The Orpheum. This was one of their last practices before then and they were determined to get everything as close to perfect as they could. Including the most recent song they wanted to debut just for the occasion.

“I -” You wanted to join them more than anything. But the argument you’d had with your parents just that morning rang loud in your head. It’d been prompted by a failed test, a less than ideal summer school progress report, and another full song book they’d found. “I can’t.”

“We need you,” Luke turned in his seat to face you and reached forward, interlocking your hands together once more. “We’re almost there, just a few more days until the show and then we’re solid. Then I promise you can focus on these fancy prep classes, I’ll even help you.”

It was tempting, you’d be lying if you said it wasn’t. Writing those songs beside Luke was quite possibly the best thing you had. It couldn’t be the only thing anymore though and that was a fact you hated admitting to yourself.

“I can’t,” You gave a sigh and tapped the cover of the notebook quickly. “I’ll work on the song a bit in my free time and meet you there later alright?”

As much as Luke wanted to argue, he didn’t. Not at the time being. He could understand well enough the pressure you were under. So he only nodded, gave you a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes, and squeezed your hands once before standing. “Yeah. Later.”

“So what do you think?” Luke asked excitedly as the notes they’d been playing faded away softly. All of them were looking at you eagerly and you tried your best to match their excitement. And you really did love what they’d done with the song. It was just hard to be as enthusiastic when the rest of your afternoon had been less than ideal.

You finally answered him, trying to push your other worries and the pile of work you knew you had waiting for you to the back of your mind. “It’s amazing.”

“I’m glad you think so cause we have news,” Luke stepped forward after cheering at your approval along with the others. “We wanna make it our closer for Saturday.”

You didn’t try to hide your disbelief that time, though you did wonder for a second if you’d heard him right. “It’s not gonna be ready on time.”

“So we’ll put extra work into it,” Luke frowned a bit but stepped towards you anyway. “I’ve already got ideas for the verses, just tell me when and we’ll work on it.”

“I can’t.” You repeated the words as you tried to push away the echoes of an argument you knew you couldn’t ignore anymore.

“You can’t?” The rest of the room had grown quiet and tense but Luke kept going. “Y/N this is huge for all of us, you included.”

“And I get that, I do,” You finally looked away from the words in the songbook and up at him. “But as much as you want me to, I can’t put all my focus on this. Not right now.”

“Why not?”

And there it was.

There were so many ways in which you and Luke were the same. The two of you could spend hours side by side doing what you both loved. Writing and creating music together in a way that was special. In a way that you didn’t have with anyone else.

This was where you were different though. Luke was braver than you were, you could admit that much. He was ready to drop everything to pursue a future in music with the band and he had. You couldn’t do that though, not with parents who had never wanted you to start this journey in the first place.

And though you had expected it you still didn’t believe it. You were very aware of Bobby, Alex, and Reggie avoiding all eye contact with either of you. Sure conversations similar to this one had happened before but never had you looked as angry as you did now.

Without another word you stood, shoving the songbook in your bag along with the text books that had sat unused. It was better to get out of there. You didn’t want to but you had to.

“Y/N -”

“I have more going on then you care to know, alright?” It was all you said before storming out of the garage.

Luke followed you, though, determined to figure out whatever was happening. He needed you and that was a fact he wasn’t afraid to admit. “Tell me.”

“What?”

“Tell me what’s going on.”

For a second you weren’t too sure what to think. The rational part of your brain knew he did care. Of course he did, he’d helped you as many times as you’d helped him. But you weren’t listening to that part. It was easier to listen to the part of you that didn’t require too much thought when your mind was already a storm of second guesses.

“Why? You only want to know so we can finish this song.”

Luke tried reaching for you like he always did but stopped when you took a step back. “That’s not the only reason.”

“So it is part of the reason.”

“That’s not what I meant.”

“What did you mean then?” You didn’t mean for the words to start coming out. There wasn’t a single filter in place at the moment and every thought, no matter how little you meant them, came out. “That what I have going on isn’t as important? I can’t afford to put all my energy into this, Luke. I’ve told you before and you always say you understand but I don’t think you really do.”

“I do understand.”

“Do you?” With a sigh you took the songbook out of your bag, one with both your names scribbled on the front cover in his handwriting, and shoved it into his hands. “Do whatever you want with them, they’re all yours now.”

You were positive the clock on your wall was mocking you. The ticking seemed louder than ever, as if it knew all you wanted to do was ignore it.

You hadn’t talked to Luke at all in the last four days. Both Reggie and Bobby had stopped by a couple times and Alex, who lived right next door, checked in with you every morning and every night. You were sure he was put up to it, despite telling you otherwise.

With an annoyed groan you backed your chair away from the desk and started spinning in slow circles. Their soundcheck would be starting soon and you were trying to push the thought out of your head and focus on the homework you were supposed to be working on.

Then the wheels of the chair slipped back in the middle of a spin and the textbook on your desk toppled to the floor. A single sheet of notebook paper was left on the floor after you picked it up. When you reached for the paper you were met with the sight of a dozen creases and a mix of different handwriting.

The memory connected to it was as vivid as ever. It was one of the first songs you’d written with Luke forever ago. It had gotten confiscated from the two of you after you’d been caught passing it back and forth during class. Then you’d both been given detention after a little too much begging to have it back.

Without another thought you stood and reached for the badge with the Orpheum logo and the letters ‘VIP’ printed underneath it. Luke had given it to you proudly weeks ago while declaring ‘You really don’t think we’d do this without you, right?’

You practically sprinted out of the house, ignoring the calls of your mom asking what you were doing, and left. You were certain now that there was only one place you had to be.

It took two buses and sprinting as fast as you could a few blocks before you finally reached the building, frantically showing the person at the door your badge. The looks you received from various employees did nothing to stop you from running through the halls until you reached the stage area.

Almost immediately you zeroed in on the sound of a familiar voice and called his name. You watched as Bobby looked around for a few seconds before finding the place where you stood. His grin matched your own and he met you halfway, excusing himself from the girl he’d been talking to.

“I knew you’d make it,” He nodded towards the badge and laughed a bit. “You’re too stubborn not to.”

“Very funny.” You rolled your eyes at him before smiling at the girl who had joined the two of you. She held a Sunset Curve shirt in her hands along with a demo and you knew without having to ask what had happened there.

“Rose, this is Y/N,” Bobby’s smile turned more genuine and less teasing. “The brain behind about half our songs.”

“Half is too generous.”

“And you’re too modest.”

“You’re a songwriter?” Rose practically beamed and you couldn’t help but take after her as you nodded. “Remind me to get some input from you on a few things I’m working on.”

“I’m happy to help,” You told her and waited as she scribbled down her number on a napkin. You thought your glance around the room had been subtle but Bobby had noticed almost right away.

“Luke’s not here,” Of course he knew what you were thinking and who you were looking for. “He went to get some food with Reg and Alex.”

“Did they say where they were going?”

“Not really. Said they were getting hot dogs and you know how they are with street food.” He noticed the way your shoulders sank and you started twisting the lanyard of the badge around your hands and reached forward to stop you. “Hey, they’ll be back soon. You can talk to Luke then alright?”

You tried to nod but all you could think of was the argument. It was days later and you’d thought much too long about it. “Is he mad at me?”

“Are you kidding? He could never be.” Bobby gave you the most reassuring smile he could and to his relief it worked a little.

“Hey, why don’t you tell me about one of your songs,” Rose caught on easily to how anxious you were getting and started pulling you towards one of the tables after shouting behind her shoulder that she was taking her break. “Then I’ll tell you about one of mine. Deal?”

“Yeah,” You nodded as the three of you sat down. “Yeah, alright.”

Rose’s distraction worked. You lost track of time and very quickly grew invested in the conversation. So much so that you didn’t really notice what was going on around you.

You didn’t notice the sound of sirens passing by the building. You didn’t notice the way the chatter outside became louder as a crowd grew. You didn’t notice the sudden silence of the room as a single police officer stepped in, speaking briefly to the manager before walking towards the table.

“Are you -” The officer paused for a second, glancing around at the three of you before giving a soft sigh and focusing on the person he was looking for. “Are you Bobby?”

“Yeah.” The easy going smile Bobby had been wearing faded quickly. You knew yours did too. “I am. Why?”

Then this overwhelming, sinking feeling filled every part of your body. Something was wrong. You knew just by the look on the officer's face. The words he spoke next only confirmed it. Reggie. Alex. Luke. Accident. Tragic. Gone. I’m sorry.

Everything around you went blurry, all the sounds muffled as those words echoed through your head until they finally sunk in. You weren’t too sure when it was that the tears started streaming down your face or when the officer left.

Eventually though, you looked up to find Bobby in the same state you were sure you were in. You didn’t really process your movements either as the two of you moved closer together. What came next was the shocking realization that you were all each other had left. That was it. Alex and Reggie and Luke, your boys, were gone. And there was no changing that.

“I feel like I’ve been wearing this for years now.” Bobby muttered as he picked at the black fabric of his suit. It was the third time now that the two of you found yourselves in this position. Sitting on the floor outside the garage, the door shut tight, in black clothes.

The instruments inside sat untouched now. The space that had been filled with music and laughter and unbelievable amounts of joy just a short while back was silent now, something that at one point you didn’t think was possible.

“I hate it.”  

It wasn’t clear whether you meant the black clothes or how things had turned out or just the feeling of something missing that seemed like it would never go away. Maybe it was a terrible concoction of all of three.

“Yeah,” Bobby nodded and let his head fall back against the garage door, trying his hardest to stop silently crying for what felt like the thousandth time that day. “Me too.”

*

Two months later you sat with Bobby at a café that had opened not too long ago. The songbook you and Luke had once shared sat unopened in front of you. It was the first time you’d actually accepted it from him.

He had found it with Luke’s things after finally working up the courage to go back into the garage two weeks after he started seeing his therapist. The last time he tried giving it to you you’d given it back with tears and shaking hands insisting you couldn’t take it. You’d made progress though, no matter how small, and that was a huge thing.

“You should come with me next week.” Bobby finally broke the silence, looking up from where he’d been staring at the table but still tapping his feet on the floor.

“To see your therapist?” You were grateful for the interruption, thoughts already running rampant in your head at the sight of the songbook.

“Yeah. I told her about you, how we were -” He paused then as the memory flashed in his head for a second. He breathed in deeply then exhaled slowly as he reached for his cup of tea. “How we found out about Reggie, Luke, and Alex together. How close we all were, how the two of us still are. She said you were free to join for a session if you wanted.”

“I’ll think about it.” You told him honestly as you nodded, folding your arms in front of you so the songbook was out of sight.

“Good.” Bobby leaned forward then, turning his gaze back to the top of the table once more as he debated whether or not to say anything. Ultimately he did. “Thanks.”

You looked at him then, head tipping to the side as you studied him for a moment. “For what?”

“For being here. Through everything.”

You were positive then that no matter what happened from that moment on Bobby was always going to be someone who you knew would be there for you, just as you were always going to be there for him.

The smile you gave him was gentle, reassuring in a way you knew he needed at the moment. “Of course.”

“You bring that with you every time you come see me.”

“I take it with me everywhere, honestly,” You admitted, noticing the way Dr. Crystal nodded a bit before leaning forward.

“Can I?” She asked as she motioned towards the songbook just barely peeking out of your bag. You nodded and handed it to her, watching closely as she flipped through it carefully. She noticed. “Why do you think you carry it with you?”

“I think -” You gave a sigh as you started fiddling with the hem of your shirt. There was no doubt that she already knew the answer, and she knew that you probably did too. The couple of sessions you had attended with Bobby helped a lot and you’d been seeing her on your own for almost three months now. “Cause it was Luke’s. It was ours and -”

When you didn’t continue she shut the songbook and set it on the table between the two of you, gently sliding it in your direction once more. “It’s what still connects you to him.”

“It’s just - If I open it and - and look at everything in there it just reminds me that that’s all I have left of him and Alex and Reggie. If I open it and read those songs it feels like when I close it they’ll be gone.” You surprised yourself with your own words. One of the things you had yet to decipher in the last couple of months was if Dr. Crystal’s silence was a good thing or not.

“That’s not true, though. You have your memories of them. They’re still there in you and in Bobby. You may have lost Luke and Reggie and Alex but you still have him and Rose.” She spoke honestly as she glanced at her watch. You knew what that meant and so you reached for the book and returned it to its usual place in your bag. “I think it's a good idea to try and look through the songbook, Y/N. It might make it easier if you had someone there with you.”

“I’ll -” You sighed as you stood from your seat and then finally nodded. “I’ll think about it.”

*

Three days later you once again sat with Bobby, this time in the living room of your otherwise silent and empty house. It was usually that way now. Your parents still walked on eggshells around you, not too sure when it would be acceptable to stop.

“Did you ever look through it?” You asked as you turned on the couch, the still closed songbook now on your lap. He had promised to be there with you when you opened it and he was.

“I did,” Bobby admitted, turning just as you had. “When I first found it an-and before I gave it to you.”

You nodded once before looking down at the cover of the songbook. Then quickly before you could change your mind you opened it.

The first sight you were met with was your name in Luke’s handwriting on the front cover, his own name right underneath it. You’d been expecting it but it still caught you off guard. Then you saw the song lyrics on the first page and broke down completely.

It was a page full of scribbles and smudges and crossed out words. Your handwriting and his mixed together in a way that didn’t quite make sense but that held memories only you had shared with him. A tear fell onto the page and you quickly dabbed it away when you saw the ink start to run, leaving behind a spot of paper crinkling in on itself.

You only made it through a couple pages before you stopped paying attention to the words, soft cries bouncing against the walls. Bobby took the notebook from your hands carefully, sniffling once and wiping the tears out of his own eyes.

“He, uh,” He flipped open to the last dogeared page, one near the very back. That one, like the others, was covered in smudges of lines that had been erased and written several times over. Lines that were erased and never finished. “Luke was writing this for you. Started it the night you guys-”

Bobby stopped the moment he noticed you shut your eyes tightly and he knew you were remembering that day. He quickly shook his head, his own thoughts going back to that day.

He’d walked into the garage late that night and had found Luke hunched over the notebook just as he had dozens of times before. Unlike the other times, though, his face was twisted into deep concentration as he stopped every few seconds to think. When he finally let him read what he had been working on he wasn’t at all surprised by what he found on the pages.

“You have to know he wasn’t mad at you,” Bobby shut the songbook once more after reading through that same list and looked at you once more. There was a different sort of heartache painted on your face and it pained him to look at it. He did it anyway though, you deserved as much.

“How do you know that though?”

“Because he never was. He never got angry at you ever but especially not that night. He wanted to stop by your place the night of the sh- of the show. But we -” He sighed then and his head fell, eyes shutting tight as he once again recalled every single event the night of the Orpheum show. He’d replayed it dozens of times over, wishing more than anything that he could go back and change it all.

Then Bobby caught sight of the tears streaming down your face once more and without thinking he wrapped you in as comforting a hug as he could muster. It took a few moments before he realized it was the first time since before the show that he was doing so. Even the simple action reminded him too much of the friends, brothers really, that he’d lost.

But they were gone. They were gone and you were here. You were right there beside him and you needed him. “We ran out of time.”

The silence hung heavy between the two of you. The feeling you felt, though, was anything but. It was a strange one that almost made you feel that despite everything you’d gone through the last few months you’d be okay as long as you had more moments like these.

You thought of the boys then. Of messing around with Reggie and late night talks with Alex. And of Luke. Your Luke who you wanted to say so many things to but couldn’t anymore.

“We did, didn’t we?”

It was the day before your next appointment with Dr. Crystal that you sat alone in your room. This time though, you were surrounded by old sheets covered in lyrics and notes written on various scraps of paper. Some of them were in your handwriting, sure, but it also included some in Luke’s. His and Reggie’s and Alex’s and Bobby’s.

The last few days had been spent reading all those old notes and the songs filling the majority of the songbook. You’d been trying to work up the courage to finally look at the one Luke had been working on. The one supposedly meant for you.

With a deep sigh you finally opened the cover and flipped to the page you’d been avoiding until that moment.

The first thing you saw was a single line at the top of the left page.

I hope you know for you I'd sacrifice to make this right

What quickly drew your attention though was the letters bigger than anything else on the page. You’d spent ages mastering the art of reading Luke’s handwriting and you could immediately tell he’d written and rewritten it until it was as neat as he could manage.

I wish I could've made you stay and I'm the only one to blame. I know that it's a little too late. This is everything I didn't say.

The last phrase had been written over a couple times and underlined. Right underneath it though was a list paired with bits and pieces of lyrics.

All the songs that we wrote

1. We’ve written so many things together and I can’t imagine doing this without you. You always let me ramble on, help me gather it all together in a way I can’t on my own. 

All the wrongs that I hoped would erase from your memory.

2. For some reason you always forgive me. Whether it was making you late or getting us in trouble or some stupid fight we had. This is different and I don’t know what’s going to happen but you have to know I’m sorry. 

Holding onto a broken and empty heart.

3. I could’ve done better. I know that. All I can think of is all the times you talked to me. All the times you trusted me. And I hate that I told you I’d be there for you and I wasn’t always. I’m so sorry, Y/N. 

Flowers I should’ve bought, all the hours I lost. Wish I could bring it back to the start.

4. I needed to say all of this sooner. I know that. I took what we have for granted and god I just want you here with me again. 

The amount of time that passed was unclear. All you did was read the words over and over again until you practically had them memorized, burned into even the deepest parts of your brain. At some point you registered the stiff feeling of dry tears on your cheeks and it was then that you reached for a pencil.

Your hands shook as you brought the songbook onto your lap and leaned over the page. The letters came out wobbly, just barely legible, as your breathing picked up faster than you would’ve liked.

The moment the words were on the page, though, it felt like a weight was finally being lifted off of your shoulders. Written in your handwriting right on the opposite side of Luke’s were the same words he’d written months before you.

Everything I Didn’t Say

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[extasiswings]

Hopping on this train of writing to cope with promo image-induced feelings.  No thoughts, just vibes.  Also on ao3. 

The air inside the warehouse is thick with smoke and blisteringly hot.  A snapping sound splits through the crackle of flame and Eddie is abruptly yanked off balance as Buck grabs his arm and pulls hard just as a beam from above comes crashing down. It doesn’t miss him completely—catches the side of his helmet and knocks it off, making his ears ring with the impact. 

He sees Buck’s mouth moving and shakes his head. 

“What?” 

“Are you okay?” Buck repeats, nearly shouting to be heard over the din of the fire. 

A light fixture groans above them before dropping down as well and it’s Eddie’s turn to push Buck out of the way, even if it means a bit of flying glass catches him in the face. 

“We need to get out of here,” he shouts, and it quickly turns into a coughing fit as he chokes on smoke, his throat and lungs burning. 

Buck nods. “Go! I’m right behind!”

Eddie turns and manages to work out a path to the closest exit with a single-minded focus. His head is aching and he’s dizzy, can feel blood dripping down his cheek as well, and when he stumbles out into somewhat fresher air he nearly collapses into Bobby before he’s passed off to the paramedics. 

Hen had been one of the first ones in and out and has since stripped off her turnout coat and is helping the other medics. Eddie doesn’t argue when she checks his throat and pupil responses before pressing an oxygen mask into his hand. 

“Where’s Buck?” Hen asks as she swipes an alcohol pad over the cut on his cheek and secures it with two butterfly strips. 

Eddie lowers the mask and coughs. “He was right—“

Behind me. 

The words fade on his tongue as he scans the area only to come up empty. And then his eyes light on the door he’d come out of, nothing clear beyond the frame but black smoke and the red and orange glare of flickering flames. 

His world tips on its axis.  His vision swims.   And the feeling—

It reminds him a little of the tsunami, when he’d noticed Christopher’s glasses around Buck’s neck and had felt himself fracturing at such a rapid pace that even now he’s sure he wouldn’t have remained standing if he hadn’t caught sight of his son over Buck’s shoulder. He can feel the same sort of cracks spidering up the foundation of his walls—the ones that he throws up when he needs to be Eddie Diaz, firefighter, medic, soldier, competent professional, any version of himself that has to play at having his life together—and he scrambles internally to shut down the panic, to plaster over the cracks before they can spread too far, because if he lets himself think—

“I need to talk to Bobby,” he says, trying to push himself up to standing. Hen shoves him back down with hands firmly on his shoulders. 

“You need to sit and keep breathing into that mask,” she says, her voice sharp with authority before it gentles. “I’ll get him, but only if you stay here.”

Eddie’s jaw tics, but he lifts the mask back up to his face and takes a few pointed breaths while she watches. Finally, she nods. 

“I’ll be right back,” she promises. 

There’s an itch between his shoulder blades that desperately wants an outlet. Something to do, something to control so he doesn’t feel so much like he’s on the edge of a cliff. So that he can work on a solution instead of his mind unhelpfully focusing on Buck’s still in there.  He’s not an idiot, he knows he’s in no shape to go back in himself, but he needs something. 

“We were in the southwest quadrant,” Eddie reports when Hen returns with Bobby, keeping his words short and clipped.  “It wasn’t overrun but there were a lot of things falling from the upper levels. He said he was coming right after me, but he could have gotten stuck.”

This is easier. Staying mechanical. Sticking to facts. There’s no room for getting overly emotional, no allowance for breaking down.  He has a commanding officer in front of him who needs information, and that is something Eddie can handle. 

“We tried him on the radio but there was no answer,” Bobby says. 

“He may have dropped it.”  When he pulled me to safety. Eddie shuts that thought down. 

“There are windows on that side,” he adds. “If the exits are blocked—“

“We’ll look at all possible options,” Bobby replies.  His face is drawn and tired, face streaked with sweat and soot. 

For some reason it’s the flicker of doubt Eddie catches in his eyes that makes him say—

“He wasn’t being reckless. I know—we all know he can be sometimes, but he wasn’t. If he’s not out, it’s because he needs help, not because he’s trying to be a hero.”

Bobby looks at Eddie for a moment, something passing across his eyes like recognition before it fades and he’s left looking more tired than before. 

“We’ll look at all the options,” he repeats finally. He doesn’t make promises. Eddie’s not sure whether or not he appreciates that. 

It takes another several minutes for anything to happen, and Eddie’s shoulders get tighter, his mood blacker. His head aches and he snaps at another paramedic, some clearly new young kid, when he notices him dressing a burn improperly. 

It doesn’t make him feel better. 

Finally though, finally, after a heart-stopping moment when the warehouse windows blow out on the side where they’d last been, Eddie hears shouts. And a figure comes stumbling around from the back of the building, knees giving out just in time for someone to catch him. 

“What happened to I’m right behind?” Eddie asks roughly when Buck is helped over, looking worse for wear but alive. 

Buck coughs and closes his eyes. “Part of the catwalk came down,” he says. “Blocked me in. Couldn’t see you. Couldn’t see anything hardly through all the...everything.”

“I didn’t know.”

Buck shakes his head and dutifully brings his own oxygen mask to his face when one is pressed into his hand. 

“Wouldn’t have wanted you to stay even if you had,” he replies. “At least I had all my gear.” 

Eddie wants to keep talking, keep asking questions, keep reminding himself that Buck is sitting next to him and going to be fine, but that irrational impulse wars with the rational thought that Buck needs oxygen not an interrogation. So he drops it.  And they both withdraw into their own heads. 

Eddie watches though. As Buck flickers between present and vacant, numb. The haunted, hunted look that passes over his face every so often a clear indication that whatever ghosts are whispering in his mind, they’re saying nothing good. When the shift ends and they’re cleaned up, Buck still looks half-dead, so Eddie snatches his keys. 

“I’m taking you home,” he says, tone booking no argument. “I don’t want you driving like this.”

Buck sighs and scrubs a hand over his face. “Okay.”

The drive is silent, but there’s a tension in the air, the weight of things unspoken. Eddie’s not entirely sure what exactly would roll off his own tongue if he opened his mouth, his head a mess, but when he parks his truck in front of Buck’s apartment, Buck finally speaks. 

“You know what I was thinking while I stuck in that building? Besides that I was going to die.”  He swallows hard. “That if it had to be someone it was good it was me.”

Eddie’s heart stops, his stomach rebelling violently at sheer wrongness of the thought. 

“That’s not true.”

Buck nods and lets out a small, bitter laugh. 

“See, I do know that actually,” he admits. “It’s one of the things I’ve been working on in therapy. Except then my parents rolled into town and it was like none of that work mattered, I was right back to square one assuming I’m not wanted, that no one would miss me—and I hate, I hate that they have that kind of power, that they can make me feel so fucking worthless.”

“You’re not though.” Eddie reaches over before he can stop himself, his hand curling around the side of Buck’s neck, thumb settling over his pulse to feel that steady thrum of alive alive alive. “God, when I thought—you’re worth everything. You have to know—“

You have to know how much you mean to me. You have to know how much I love you. You have to know I can’t lose you.

You have to know. 

Buck makes a small sound of disbelief, his gaze turning searching as Eddie bites his tongue to keep from saying too much he can’t take back. He feels somehow even more precariously positioned on the edge of a cliff than he had in the field, but that cliff was positioned above an ocean of grief. He doesn’t know what’s at the bottom of this one should he fall. 

Somehow that’s almost more terrifying. 

Eddie sways forward unconsciously and Buck presses his forehead to his. Neither of them are breathing steadily. And they stay like that for a long moment until Buck shivers and pulls back. 

“I want to kiss you,” he says quietly, and Eddie can’t quite help the frisson of want that sparks through him, the whisper of yes, please, do it then that threads through his mind. 

“But,” Buck continues, his tongue sweeping out to wet his lips as Eddie watches. “But it’s been a long and really fucking difficult day and I’m not—I don’t want to fuck this up before it even starts. If—if there’s anything to start at all, I don’t want to assume—“

“There is,” Eddie assures. I love you. I’m in love with you. 

That gets him the faintest smile as Buck reaches up to squeeze his hand. 

“Thanks for the ride home.”

“Of course. Anytime.”  

When Eddie gets home, he pauses long enough to check on Christopher before falling into bed. And only then does he think back over the day and finally, finally let himself shatter.