#I’ve been doing a lot of personal posts lately and I gotta stress that I’m not doing this for attention or pity I’m using my stupid little

[thoughtpalace-blog]

every time a new thing with my depression kicks up I’m like 😐 bc it’s been 12 years at this point why the fuck are their new symptoms. I thought I had a handle on this shit but apparently not

[raven-at-the-writing-desk]

Good evening (or morning, afternoon, wherever u r) to you, Miss Raven, *tips hat* How do you do?

First of all, I was reading through the your canon Malleus romance analysis and i’ve just gotta say I love how you give a realistic approach to these characters and their world! 🙌🏻

But that also got me thinking, how would Leona prioritize his romantic vs royal life?

As second born prince, I wanna say Leona actually has more breathing room to pick whoever he wants as a partner (if the royal family doesn’t arrange a marriage before he gets that chance), plus, the Sunset Savanna’s next heir apparent is already born, so really there’s nothing worry about succession unless something happens to Cheka and or Falena. But at the same time Leona is still ridiculed by his people, so will that have any affect on who he wants to be with if he happens to choose someone other than another beast(wo)man or someone in a class lower than a noble?

And even tho he isn’t first in line for the throne, Leona is still royalty. I think he could pick a partner who is more private and less sociable with their life, but I also think they still might need to be prepared for the royal life, lack of privacy, speaking with the public, and other royal duties (even if Leona himself won’t do them).

TL;DR Do you think Leona’s status as second prince actually gives him a benefit for who he can pick as a romantic partner and how would the people’s view on him affect this, and what do you think would expected of Leona’s partner in the royal life even tho he’s not first in line for the throne?

What’s your take on this?

Related posts: Malleus / Kalim

Greetings 🎵 Life’s been a bit stressful lately, but I’m getting by! Busy planning something big for the blog too, so excited for that.

I think you must be talking about that post where I discussed what the expectations would probably be for Malleus’s future spouse? Thank you for the praise though! While anyone can ship themselves or their OC with Malleus in the latter, there’s certain in-universe logic that must be followed in the former. It feels very different to be a character in that world versus an outsider looking in. Being able to switch and see from those perspectives is important, I feel.

My thoughts on this topic aren't as concrete as what I laid out for my Malleus post, mostly because we don't know as much about Sunset Savanna's politics and since Leona isn't burdened by the same expectations as the crown prince or first in line to the throne. I feel like this post will be a lot of speculation, so just be cognizant of that.

As Leona is right now, I don't think he has much of an interest or an obligation to find someone. His focus seems to be on tending to himself and his own goals to help those around him, be it his juniors (Epel, Jack, Ruggie, etc.) or his country (due to his internship at a energy and mining lab). I definitely feel like that's where his priorities lie, and anyone he might take on as a life partner would also have to have a passion and dedication for this kind of service, whether they also engage in it or they at least support Leona's endeavors.

I also think that Leona would personally want an intelligent partner that's able to hold their own in a discussion, but only to a certain extent. Like, they have to be able to coherently express their own thoughts but I don't think he wants to deal with someone so stubborn that they constantly put up a fight with him if they happen to disagree. Leona has demonstrated multiple times that he finds it a hassle when people don't listen to him, so he tries to put himself in situations where he doesn't have to face that in the first place. For example, Leona states that he dislikes Silver and Rook, as they constantly act on their own and seem to disregard anything that others around them say. Additionally, he lacks a vice dorm leader because he made the conscious decision to not pick one, as he doesn't want someone challenging his decisions. Leona also strategically caves to his sister-in-law's demands to avoid wasting time and energy in an argument, since he knows that beastwomen tend to be strong-willed. His partner would have to know when to step back and give him space or when is not a good time to keep pressing a point. That means there'd be a certain element of emotional intelligence involved too, not just general wisdom or knowledge.

In these circumstances, I don't think there would be as much of an importance placed on the social status of Leona's spouse since he's like... what? Fourth in line to rule? His father is still alive, Falena/Farena is still fine, and Cheka's there too. The chances of Leona actually having to step up to that plate are low. There's no pressing need for Leona to find a partner or to produce an heir of his own. I don't recall there being lore about his older brother and sister-in-law having an arranged marriage or what social class his sister-in-law is from, so... there's not a lot to go off of there. I think, at the very least, we can assume there's not as much pressure for Leona to be in an arranged marriage since he isn't the crown prince. I don't get the sense that Sunset Savanna is as conservative with its social expectations as Briar Valley is, so it's doubtful whether or not the public would care about a royal marrying a commoner or a beastman marrying a non-beastman. To my latter point, there doesn't seem to be as strong of a racial divide between beastmen and humans (unlike fae and humans), so I don't think this would pose a major concern. But hey, maybe they do care a lot about status since Leona's flashback keeps harping on the importance of birth order--but that ultimately has no baring on the commoner versus royal thing. Maybe this is me being too much of an idealist, but I do think it would be possible for Leona's partner to come in and prove themselves, since their reputation (unlike Leona's) isn't already marred by being second in line to the throne and having a golden child to be compared to. If anything, I feel like the people would fear for the safety of Leona's spouse rather than what their "marrying outside of the norm" means for the country. Since there's a negative public view of Leona, I feel that this would translate into worry for the spouse rather than assuming they are "just as bad" as Leona. They're an outsider with a completely separate background from Leona's, and that I doubt that most people have the magic to rival his strength. Where would their fear of the spouse be reasonably coming from? I think the more likely situation would be the public feeling sympathy for the spouse (like, what if Leona's magic harms them) and wondering what they must see in the second-born prince. There might be a lot of gossip or concerns swirling around their courtship, little judgmental whispers and passing glances that are hard to avoid, maybe some hissed warnings to be careful around Leona, etc. The spouse should be careful how they react to public opinion though, as lashing out could make them be perceived as ill-tempered and crude, a poor reflection of both their own attitude as well as confirming preconceived notions of Leona. They should be equipped to handle socially complicated situations with grace and tact. When it comes to Leona, they should also be ready to provide him with some emotional support—not as a therapist he trauma dumps to or anything like that, but as a trusted and nonjudgmental confidant.

I think the spouse would receive the harshest scrutiny should they step into a more public-facing role… like if they started to enact or push for policies that go against the country’s reverence for nature and living in harmony with it. They would most certainly get pushback for it, maybe earn ire for not being “attuned” with its people. Leona’s spouse would, at the bare minimum, be expected to represent the values of Sunset Savanna and to engage in its ceremonies and traditions. For example, Leona—the second prince—is meant to train the winners of the Bead Brawl. Whatever royal duties are set for the spouses of the royal family… well, they should be prepared to fulfill them.

On the subject of privacy and sociability, it might actually be a drawback if Leona’s spouse were private and not sociable. Not being seen or interacting in public very often means people are left to their own devices and assumptions—and if Leona is the first person they associate with his spouse, it could lead to the public forming negative thoughts. "Oh, they're withdrawn because they don't care about us. Oh, they must be moody and hard to get along with." There’s a lot of earning trust that has to be done, especially if Leona intends to enact social reform, so I think it would make for better optics if his spouse really put themselves out there and was proactive in the community. Instead of framing themselves as a shut-away or some rando that married into the royal family, they have to be willing to step outside of their comfort zone and act like a leader if push comes to shove, show how outgoing and determined they can be.

Last thought I have on this matter I guess is related to how Leona’s loved ones would react. I don’t think the named characters would care about the details all too much?? Farena appears to respect his brother and treats him warmly, even when Leona brushes him off. He’d want Leona to be happy and at his best mentally and emotionally when and if he decides to help govern the country. And Cheka, well… maybe he’s a little too young to fully understand what’s going on, but I think he’d want his uncle to be happy too. I’d say even Kifaji would be on board with it, though perhaps not as openly as Farena or Cheka. He’s a stern older man, so I can absolutely see him scolding Leona and nagging him about his choice of partner—but in the way that a concerned grandparent would, you know? Not in an outright malicious way like the Briar Valley senators might. Unlike them, Kifaji can see the good in his prince and wants the best for him, even if he comes off as too overbearing at times. Kifaji doesn't unnecessarily act vitriolic or belittling to Leona, he states truths (that Leona acts improperly at times) and earnestly expresses his wish that Leona recognizes his own potential. He'll probably pull up to interrogate the spouse (because he cares that Leona marries someone who loves and values him), but ultimately give his blessings along with a plea for them to take good care of his second prince.

[tsaritza-mika]

Unpopular Opinion #3

Okay...so this might ruffle some feathers, but I still really feel it needs to be said. As always, if you don’t like what I have to say, just keep scrolling. I am a full believer in curating your own internet experience, and if you find yourself upset about a random opinion, please just leave and find something that makes you happy. You deserve it, and I promise that you will never hear me advocate otherwise.

Now then... Let’s talk a bit about our favorite mountain man. Shall we?

I see a lot of posts, especially as of late, that really go hard on the way Muriel’s route dealt with his various issues. Now, yes, Muriel is not one of my top LIs, he’s jut not the personality type that really gels with me, but I love him as much as I do all six of them for different reasons. I also acknowledge that his route isn’t perfect, but I honestly don’t think it’s nearly as bad as other people automatically jump to. Muriel has a metric fucking ton of issues, which include severe lack of self esteem, trauma that links to both those self esteem issues and his time in Vesuvia’s arena, depression, and some fun little sprinklings of Nihilism just for extra flavor. And all of that is just from a pure amateur observation. I’m not a psychologist, nor will I ever claim to be, but from the little bit that I know from former college classes and being friends with people who have experienced trauma from various forms of abuse, Muriel has all of these issues, and likely more that I’m not immediately familiar with.

A good amount of people in the fandom seem to believe that a better way for Muriel’s route to go would have had him ending up being more forceful in standing up to Lucio, really digging into him for the harm that he caused and is still causing, and more of coming out of his shell than he did. Now, while that would be a more dramatic take, you’ve gotta keep something important in mind: give or take a few years, Muriel has been dealing with most of these issues since he was at least around 6-8 years old. If we assume he’s maybe somewhere along the lines of 26-28, that’s twenty years of issues in an increasingly hostile situation. A single year alone of that much negativity is likely to leave some pretty impressive mental scars, let alone the possibility of twenty or more.

People who experience trauma will process and react to it differently, this is true, but to say that it’s OOC to have Muriel just be only a little more talkative and at ease with others outside of MC and Asra, strikes me as those who aren’t very familiar with how trauma can actually work. The entire ‘stick it to them’ fantasy seems great and totally cathartic in theory, but when victims of abuse and trauma actually have that chance, more often than not, I’ve only ever known them to prefer not wanting to be anywhere near their tormentors. Muriel actually being comfortable with himself, speaking up more, but still very much wanting his distance from everyone is a HUGE step in his healing process, and I honestly don’t think people give him enough credit for that. 

Muriel has been exploited and manipulated, verbally and likely physically abused, and all of that we could apply to JUST the time he was known in Vesuvia under the mantle of ‘The Scourge of The South’. We see in the Travel at Night tale that he already dealt with excess stress and fear from traveling through a war-zone at a very young age, where he says he even distinctly remembers hearing Lucio enjoying himself as he killed others. He’s already terrified by roughly age 12 when Lucio picks him out of the other street kids. He’s very aware that Lucio would enjoy hunting and killing him, and for a child to be aware of this, that alone is gonna fuck him up somethin’ fierce for a long time. Hell, when Lucio points him out from the other kids, he’s so afraid of him and what he knows Lucio is capable of, that his arms and legs go numb, and he can’t move. And later when he’s talking to Asra, if chosen, the response he gives Asra when asked about what he would do with magic is to make himself invisible, the very thing he’d wanted since the start of that tale. He wanted to be left alone, not deal with those kids who wanted to hurt others and steal, or be noticed by Lucio.

Muriel even straight up tells MC and Julian when they visit him in the forest during Julian’s route that he asked to have the gift of being forgotten. If he was forgotten as soon as he left someone’s sight, he wouldn’t be exploited anymore, and he wouldn’t be forced to take lives in exchange for keeping his most precious person safe anymore. To Muriel, deeply set in his traumatized and self loathing state, it was the perfect solution. Being forgotten meant that he wouldn’t take up space, that no one would force him to hurt or scare others just to exist, and that Asra, the only person who had ever told him he was worth it and more, wouldn’t be taken from him. 

You don’t just magically get better when your tormentor is gone or gets what they deserve, and confronting your abuser is not always going to be the right answer that puts you on the road to healing those mental scars. Muriel is far from cured of his issues by the end of his route. If anything, the end of his route is just the start of his even longer road to recovery and being able to fully enjoy and embrace life without fear that he’s taking up space and isn’t wanted. He’s just gotten better about it all. People who experience trauma can take years to even begin to feel comfortable in their own skin, but Muriel learning that he has value, that others value him and want him around without asking for anything in return, and to learn that others will sacrifice for you because they want your happiness instead of some leverage on something you can do for them; there is just so much beauty in the subtlety of that, and I honestly don’t think it gets the attention it rightfully deserves.

[urfavbasicbitch]

Webtoons I read and recommend

So, nobody really asked to do it but I’m feeling like doing this post with my favorite webtoons or just some Webtoons I’ve been reading recent. Hope you guys enjoy it! (It’s not in order of favorites or not)

Can I take it back?

Summary: Hayan, a high school student, finally gathers the courage to confess to her crush. But somehow her confession ends up in the hands of another student named Bakha, who is rumored to be a bully and a womanizer. Hayan desperately tries to hide that she confessed to the wrong person because she is terrified by the rumors. Meanwhile, Bakha starts to take an interest in her, and opens up to her in his own way. Will Hayan be able to escape him and confess to the right person this time?

🥛 🎀 honestly this one is such a gem! It’s one of the cutest webtoons I’ve read recently and I totally recommend it! soft hours at its finest

My reason to die/What I decided to die for

Summary: Ji Oh, a senior in high school who was injured ahead of the National Taekwondo Competiton, is facing late puberty. Cha Gyeol, who met Ji Oh while having all sort of bad thoughts, is completely swoon over by Ji Oh with her dazzling smile. However, the people around Cha Gyeol are somehow dangerous for her to go head over heels with him. Her mind knows that she should be wary of him but she could not stop her interest towards Gyeol. Is it alright for her…to like him?

🧸🥛 oh honey, you gotta a big storm coming with this manhwa! If you want drama, romance and a little bit of spice on it, you should definitely read this one! 10/10

I Love Yoo

Summary: Dogged by pain and misfortune from the very beginning, Shin-Ae decides she wants nothing to do with people nor anything to do with romance. Although content with her unsocial, boring, loveless existence, her lifestyle is challenged after she ruins an unsuspecting strangers' clothes.

🤍🧸 what I can say about I love yoo? Oh god, this one is a hell of a ride but I love it, I can’t denied it. We’ve been through hiatus and a LOT but I’m still sticking around because the story is just so… ugh! Seriously, I could write a whole essay about I love yoo and why I love it so much! Despite fuzzy timeline, some unnecessary flashbacks and a bit of rambling I just love this webtoon, please read it and obsess over like I do

Act like you love me

Summary: 25-year-old Ji-eon is stressed, overworked, and penniless. When a mix-up at a temp job has her spending a day as famous actor Doyun Nam’s personal assistant, she takes her anger out on a doll… which turns out to have the magical ability to control him at her every whim. Now it’s her turn to be the boss.

🍦this webtoon is such a mood! Ji-eon is actually relatable lol y’all should read this one!

Should I do one more round? If you like it, I can do more recommendations!

[ducktracy]

for the art asks: 3, 4, 11, 21 :)

3. Least favorite things to draw?

THIS IS GENUINELY HARD… “i don’t have one” is such a cheater answer! but as i’ve drawn more and more and gotten more out of my comfort zone, i find i don’t really dread drawing anything as much? being a professional artist is kind of nice because regardless of how you feel about what you’re drawing (not talking like morally objectionable stuff of course), you still GOTTA DRAW IT! which actually sounds horrible now that i put it that way BUT I MEAN IT IN A GOOD WAY LOL. like, i can groan and gripe about something, but at the end of the day there’s an end product that needs to be achieved and grumbling to myself isn’t gonna do me any favors.

i used to not like drawing cars, which i know is a pretty shared experience, but having gotten used to drawing cars for work or personal art i don’t mind as much anymore, and actually enjoy the challenge! i’m always looking to challenge myself, and i think that mindset has helped me a lot. i always tell my supervisors that i’ll draw anything they put in front of me LOL

4. Favorite things to draw?

TOO MANY TO LIST… so predictable of me to say this but Daffy and/or Porky are definitely up there regardless HAHA. it is very true though! they’re very forgiving to me. i can get into their minds well, and they’ve known me and my pencil enough to know what to do. we have a good relationship!! they’re always two characters i can draw with ease and feel good drawing. i will never run out of inspiration with them.

like any artist, i have a lot of Personal Artistic Philosophies, and one of my biggest is that i view my art as a conversation. i try to get into the heads of the characters i draw. at the same time, i feel like a director—telling them where to stand, what to pose, what to emote, no, this isn’t working, i need a little more from you, good, good, maybe try it like this, etc. it’s something i’ve embraced tenfold as of late, seeing as my job relies on this whole principle—getting into the minds of the characters and making them act believably, endearingly, and innocently funny. i really just like getting to draw any sort of character that i can build that “”relationship”” with, so to speak. it’s especially nice with my favorite characters or characters who are receptive to me back, so like Daffy or Porky or SpongeBob and so on.

on a LESS philosophical note though, i DO love painting as well. i really enjoy every part of the art process (and i’m not just saying that!), but i find coloring and painting and rendering particularly zen. it’s rewarding to watch the fruits of my labor come together and materialize! likewise, there’s less stress, because painting and coloring can be more ambiguous—i’m not doing thumbnails or rough layers of how i’m gonna color something, not struggling to figure out the construction or perspective of color. it’s a nice leisurely change of pace and is something i find relaxing… which is good and rare considering i’m firing on all cylinders otherwise! my mind is always going 37466372mph and so it’s nice to have something to ground it.

11. Favorite comment you’ve ever received on your work?

THIS I DO HAVE A MORE STRAIGHTFORWARD ANSWER TO HAHA.. i’m so fortunate enough to have been told many, many kind things from friends, coworkers, supervisors, followers and strangers alike. i make a point to internalize every compliment i get—acts of kindness are something i take very seriously and i’m very, very sentimental. i’ve been told many great things over the years and i am sincerely lucky for all of them.

one of the most profound, though, was Bob Clampett’s daughter, Ruth, commenting this on my tribute to The Great Piggy Bank Robbery (and yes i’m posting the screenshot because i still can’t believe it!!)

i’ve been lucky to have been told MANY nice things.. but i don’t think a single comment has ever made me bawl like a baby more than that one LOL. i still get emotional thinking about it! it reminded me of how eternally lucky i am to be doing what i am.

21. Weirdest thing you’ve ever drawn?

THERE’S QUITE A VARIETY TO CHOOSE FROM.. i have “i was on deviantArt when i was 11” syndrome so that spawned a lot of. interesting things. i truly could not narrow it down.. but i immediately thought of this one so. i don’t know what it means or who this is either

thanks for the asks!!

[dokidokitsuna]

I hope everyone’s enjoying a Happy New Year! :D I dunno why, but I feel like I should post something.

I’ve been in a positively foul mood for the last 24 hours...I chalk it up to pre-menstrual nonsense mixed with the fact that being on vacation all week (i.e. stuck in my house with ALL my family members on a daily basis) is starting to get to me. 6__6;;

Maybe things will change once I finally get my own place (which I’m currently working on with my realtor, and when it does happen you WILL know) but historically I can’t just...be left to my own devices and do art ALL the time. I get cabin-fever, I need to do more than just go out for food and groceries; I need another regular multi-hour activity to do besides my personal work. If I ever became rich and didn’t need my day job anymore, I’d probably start doing volunteer work again or go back to school; I gotta have something...

Anyway, now I’m in a better mood; a reflective mood...2022 was an interesting year~. I started a new YouTube channel that’s actually going pretty well, I learned a lot about animation thanks to those two AniChall entries-- seriously, they were stressful and insane and the whole time I was working on them I was filled with guilt about all the other stuff I should’ve been doing instead, but I really did learn SO much. I honestly think they’re the main reason I’m now able to consider pursuing animation seriously in the future. It’s not just a nebulous possibility anymore, I am good and I can get better.

Let’s see, what else...I started a new job, I got my first RSI...Twitter imploded, DeviantArt continued its death throes...I threw a Halloween party, I started doing yoga, I bought a Switch, I’m actually kind of good at Splatoon (more on that later)...I’m mostly focusing on the late-year stuff because my memory sucks, but I’m sure there were lots of other notable events. ^^;

I don’t really do New Year’s resolutions anymore (I stopped after 2020...) but I do have overarching goals...I think this year I’d like to keep getting better at illustrating, I’d like to finally finish some of the novels I’ve been writing, I’d like to put even more energy towards my animation work and the DokiDraws channel and see what comes of them, I’d like to buy a house and finally fulfill the promise I made to my Magolor plush so long ago. XD And I’d just generally like to have more happy moments, and see more good things in the world.

[foxymoxynoona]

Aahhhh just finished chapter 47 of flux and I want to say I FUCKING LOVED IT. first of all Sasha and eomma finally meet???? Hello??? It’s been a hot minute since I told you I wanted them to meet and it finally happened. What I want to focus on here tho is how fucking relatable this chapter is. Since I’m a language student, I want to say thank you because you’re giving me a chance to talk about something I can at least pretend to know😉. This was linguistic insecurity portrayed at its finest! (Mixed with the fact that she was meeting the family which is probably one of the most nerve wrecking moments in a relationship. I didn’t have to meet them and I got second-hand anxiety🥶).

Again, her processing everything that had been said in Korean and not being able to respond is so realistic. I’ve been speaking French for 10 years now but if I have to speak to a French person? I don’t know French, don’t know what a baguette is. Even when I write these things to you I get insecure and my brain creates the dumbest doubts humans are capable of thinking. You should take a look at my Google search bar, it’s usually something like “is the sentence “I like music” grammatically correct?” Or sometimes when I have to speak to NES suddenly my accent gets super fucked up and weird and mechanic over words. I’ve been speaking English for something like 16 years so my scientific conclusion is that it never goes away.🤡

Also, anxiety doesn’t help at all. Every time Sasha did something and then be like “why did I do that? See now they hate you” PLEASE THAT WAS SO TRUE. I could be breathing and out nowhere my brain just goes “damn you look so dumb right now” ugh intrusive thoughts understood their assignment🤪🤪

Well, I’m sensing a little (lot) bit of stress for Sasha in the next few chapters😀 but hopefully it gets better with time and I won’t feel this pressed reading👀👀

PS. I want to hug Appa. Please he’s so kind and funny, I hope him and Sasha will grow fond of each other as time goes on. I’m envisioning this wonderful scene of both Sasha and Appa forming a coalition and teasing jk until he begs them to stop.😫😫😫

PPS. Thank you for posting today, I woke up with chaos aka Jin enlisting and now I’m going to sleep with a nice thought (aka your stories that inevitably distract me from real life issues cause if you can’t solve ‘em you gotta ignore ‘em! Said no one but me)

🌸

Yeah the pILING ON of insecurities here was enough to drown in: language insecurity, cultural isnecurity, attachment insecurity, just on and on.

I'm absolutely the same way on the language stuff, I'm terrified anytime I speak to someone in German or Spanish on here because I doubt even the most BASIC things I know haha. I've been signing a lot more lately too and I'll ace all the tests, and then when I need to actually understand a conversation in real time it's just all gone.

The accent difficulties and Jungkook not hearing it I lifted directly from my own IRL meeting haha. Blending families across cultures can be so fucking hard, and my husband even lived in the US for most of his life so it wasn't even as sharp a culture divide as Sasha and JK!

Glad the update could help distract you a little. Probably that's why I'm writing so hard haha, can't stop to think when I'm busy writing the fantasy world I control instead!

[heresmaitake]

Life Update

Hey, future me (I know I’ll come back to this post when things are better, and I’ll probably laugh at how cringy I sound). Writing a blog post to myself might seem a bit strange, I could just write my thoughts in my phone note or write an email to my future self. But hey, I’m doing what feels right, so here’s my life update from May 6th, 2024. Life… it’s been a bit of a rollercoaster lately. Just two days ago, I got hit with some pretty shocking news, and, honestly, I couldn’t help but let out a few tears. Even though it’s been ages since I last cried over life stuff, that day just got to me. I know crying won’t magically fix things, but it’s my way of letting out all the stress I've been keeping to myself. I’ve been praying so hard, asking Allah for some peace of mind and a smoother way ahead to achieve my goals. Don’t get me wrong, though, I’m not dwelling in sadness or feeling miserable right now. But man, I turned 27 this year, been trying to be a proper adult, while working hard chasing after those big dreams of mine, plus, dealing with the mess COVID left behind? It’s not an easy work (heeheee).

Anyway, I’m trying my best to take things one day at a time, not letting stuff I can’t control stress me out too much. And you know what? There’s still plenty of good stuff going on in my life right now. Whether it’s getting obsessed over my current favourite K-drama (although I already know I’m gonna feel lost and experience post-series depression syndrome once it’s over), catching up with old friends, or making new friends with people who just get me, who have the same way of thinking as me, there’s always something to smile about. And I’m beyond grateful that my family and friends are doing well in life and that they are healthy too. After my mom’s heart troubles from 2022 to 2023, her surgery earlier this year was a success, alhamdulillah. As for me, I’m set on getting back into my exercise routine, starting with a morning run tomorrow. Work’s as always full of deadlines and ideas block and so little time, but somehow I’m still managing to find the inspiration to design those websites for clients, especially when the pressure’s on hahahaha.

All in all, despite the drizzle, there’s still a lot to be thankful for. Even if I don’t always understand why Allah makes me go through what I'm going through right now, I’m positive that things will work out for the best because Allah's plan is the best plan. And even if it’s a bit stormy now, I’m keeping my fingers crossed for a bright, shiny rainbow. Just gotta keep giving it my all. I hope I will never lose hope and always be positive in facing things in my life, just like now, I hope that I continue to be the hardworking person who is always eager to be better and learn new things each day.

Oh, before I forget, let me drop my current jam here: Lizzy McAlpine's “I Guess.”

Alright, time for bed, I’m exhausted and in serious need of some deep sleep.

[emmyhem]

always (l.r.h)

a/n: hi everyone! this is a lil angsty piece i wanted to get up. i just want to say again how sorry i am for not getting anything up for the past two weeks, i’ve just been overwhelmed with some stuff for my classes, but i am starting to get back in the swing of things now. also, this is unedited as i was rushing to get it up in time. i do plan on posting something else tomorrow night and hopefully i’ll be posting pretty consistently from now on. also this does end kind of abruptly but i wanted to leave it like that because i’m a sucker for angst, with that being said i would be happy to write a part two if that’s something you’d be interested in. anyway, feedback and comments are appreciated as always and i hope you’re all having an amazing day/night. enjoy! - emmy <33

pairing: luke hemmings x fem!reader 

summary: luke recounts his mistake and hopes he can patch things up with his always. 

warnings:  very brief mention of sex, cursing, mentions of alcohol, luke’s being an asshole, mention of pinching (idk), slight insecurity from the reader, lots of angst :( 

word count: 2.6k

Luke had always hated the quiet. That’s when his thoughts were the loudest. That must be why he had never really liked being alone with himself. 

Tonight in particular, his thoughts were practically screaming, one word over and over again. 

“Y/n”

For the past two years that name had acted as his most favorite word, one that he would utter whenever he had gotten the chance. Whether it be to brag about your recent accomplishments to his friends, to catch your attention from another room, or falling from his lips with a sigh of pleasure as he reached completion with you laying breathlessly beneath him. 

Now the word seemed torturous, the last time he uttered it replaying on a relentless loop in his head. 

It was your 2nd anniversary. Dinner had been laid out on the table for an hour. Two glasses of wine sat untouched in front of a vase of roses you had picked out at the florist earlier that morning, and there was no sign of Luke. 

You were wracking through your brain as you watched a petal fall from a rose and land lightly in one of the glasses. 

Had you gotten the time wrong? 

But you were sure that the two of you had agreed on 8:00 for dinner, that way you had time to get everything ready after getting home from work, and Luke wouldn’t have to rush to leave the studio. 

Yet somehow you found yourself staring at the now cold dinner at 9:30, with absolutely no word from Luke. You wanted to call, if for no other reason than to check he was still alive and breathing, but your nerves stopped you from doing that, not wanting to take on the role of the overbearing girlfriend. 

Your stomach growled hungrily over the light music that was playing through the house speakers. So, begrudgingly you took a bite of the pasta on your plate before downing your entire glass of wine. 

Luke arrived home about 2 hours later, a bouquet of your favorite flowers in hand. He caught sight of the table, with one setting completely untouched as he hung up his coat, causing guilt to pang in his chest. 

“Baby,” he called out, carrying himself to your shared bedroom.

When no response came his heart rate sped up in fear that you had left. 

“Y/n” he called, louder this time with a sense of urgency clear in his voice.  

That’s when he spotted a person sized lump underneath the duvet. Releasing a sigh of relief he moved towards you, peeling the blankets off and leaving a soft kiss on your shoulder. 

This caused you to stir a bit, eyes fluttering open to meet him. 

“Hi, my love.” he cooed. 

A frown was prominent on your face, and a crease separated your eyebrows as they furrowed angrily. 

“I’m sorry I’m late. We got a bit carried away in the studio, but in good news the album is coming along great. M’so excited for you to hear it” 

You had always tried to be understanding of Luke’s job for many reasons. One being that you both reaped the benefit of his success, you wanted for essentially nothing, had a nice house, the opportunity to travel, and Luke often spoiled you with gifts even if you asked him not to. Another being how happy it made your boyfriend. Music truly was his passion, and he was so talented that you wouldn’t want for him to ever put his work on the back burner for you. 

With that being said, you made a point to take time off to spend time with him whenever you were able to. You had even changed jobs because your last one hadn’t allowed you to go on tour with him, which he had been adamant about, insisting, “There’s no way I can be away from you for that long.” 

And you were happy to do all of those things, because you were in love, and  you felt incredibly lucky to even be a part of his world. But you did start to question things as your relationship went on. It felt like Luke didn’t even consider your job. He only saw it as something that took you away from him. 

You had worked hard to get where you were in the occupational field. Without your job all you would have to do is sit around and wait for Luke to be ready for you, and you just couldn’t live like that. 

Luke turned on the lamp on your nightstand as you slowly sat up in bed. 

“2 weeks Luke, we’ve had these plans for two weeks.” 

“I know baby I tried, but you know how it is when inspiration strikes.” he dismissed while sitting the flowers on the ground. 

“No, I don’t. Do you not think that I have things I could be doing for work? Cause I do, and I choose this over all of that.” you huffed in frustration. 

Luke took a deep breath while subtly rolling his eyes. 

“Y/n, I’m sorry for missing dinner, but you don’t understand the pressure I’m under, from the fans, the label, management, and the band.” 

“I know that you work hard and I know how important this is to you, and I’m so proud of you, but I’m proud of us too and I would’ve liked to have a night for just us.” you tried to explain. “Not to mention the fact that I’m under pressure in my job too and I always find time for you, no matter what.” 

“Yea, you have pressure from a job that you don’t need.” his voice rising in anger with each word as he paced around the room. 

“How many times do I have to tell you Luke? It’s my job, it’s a part of my life and I don’t plan on giving it up anytime soon.” you shouted. 

“Great.” he replied sarcastically. “Then you should understand that I won’t give up my job anytime soon.” 

“I’m not asking you to, I’m just asking for a bit of consideration, and just a sliver of your time.” 

“I’m working to make us more money.” he stated.

“Luke, we don’t need any more money. You should be working because you enjoy it and because it’s your passion.”

He let out a condescending laugh before turning to look in your eyes. 

“Yea, well you don’t seem to mind all the money when you're sitting at home in the house that I bought, and leeching off of my bank account on the daily. D’ya think you could afford all the shit you have just based on your salary?” he spat crudely. 

You physically leaned back as if the words had just actually been thrown at you. They must’ve, because the pain they caused felt far too real to just be emotional. You opened your mouth to fight back, to scream, to do something but the lump in your throat prevented anything to come out other than a sad, and pathetic squeak. 

Was that what he thought about you? 

This had caught you completely off guard. Sure, you were expecting an argument, you’d even say you were expecting a big one, but you would’ve never guessed he would throw this in your face. 

You felt betrayed. It had always made you insecure that you were making such little money compared to your boyfriend. 

Some days after receiving your paycheck you would go out and spend it all on Luke, solely because you wanted to know that you could contribute too. You would do that whenever you got the chance, to reassure that your work was important, and valid. And mainly to show Luke that you appreciated all he did for you. 

He would always reply, “You don’t have to do this, love. I like spoiling my girl.” 

Yeah right. 

“I wasn’t, I m-mean I don’t try to lee-,” you paused, the word feeling too gross to repeat back. 

“Well, you do whether you're trying or not so the least you can do is give me a break occasionally.” he spoke casually, while changing into sweats as if he wasn’t ripping you apart with every word. 

You kept a blank stare at the bedroom door, your eyes already stinging with unshed tears. You wished you could be angrier but his words left you questioning and feeling guilty. 

As hard as you’d tried to provide for yourself and make your own way you couldn’t help but wonder if you had subconsciously started leaning on him, more than you had ever wanted. 

Luke continued getting ready for bed, not taking a second look at you since hitting you with his harsh words. 

“I-I’m sorry.” you croaked. 

“It’s fine, Y/n I just wish you could’ve been slightly more understanding.” he continued, still not facing you. 

“I think that maybe, I mean, um I gotta go.” you were speaking through tears, as you abruptly stood from the bed and hurried to leave the room. 

This caught Luke’s attention causing him to spin in your direction at lightning speed, finally taking in your emotional state.

“Going? Going where? I-what are you talking about?” 

You didn’t reply, grabbing your keys, bag, and shoes as you continued to speed to the front door. 

“Y/n!” he continued, following closely behind you. 

You paused at the front door and turned to meet his eyes. His stressed appearance subsided as you allowed him the opportunity to talk. 

“You’re upset.” he concluded, reaching a hand out to hold your cheek.

You leaned away from his touch and shook your head lightly, “M’not.” 

His features softened and he took another step closer to you, “You are. I’m sorry, I was harsh.” 

“No, I’m sorry. I didn’t know.” 

“Didn’t know?” 

“I don’t want t-to leech” you stuttered out. 

This rendered Luke speechless, realizing how cruel his words had been. You had taken this as an opportunity to exit the house, quickly running to your car. Luke made it to the driveway just in time to see you drive away. 

“Fuck” he snapped, jogging back towards the house to get his phone and call you in hopes of convincing you to come back. 

After calling you at least 20 times with no response he conceded and decided he should try and get some sleep, that way he was rested enough to get you to forgive him in the morning. 

His body fell naturally to his side of the bed, but his eyes lingered on where you typically laid. 

Rolling onto his back, eyes finding the ceiling he muttered to himself, “I’m an idiot.” 

Eventually he was tiring out, the bedroom ceiling growing extremely boring after staring for so long. He turned on his side to hug your pillow to his chest. As his hand slid under the pillow it came into contact with an envelope that had been hidden underneath. 

He sat up and flicked on a lamp to read the front, “To my Lu” 

He could tell that you had taken your time penciling on your words, each letter was flawless and written delicately. Before ripping it open he hesitated, questioning whether or not he even deserved to see what was inside after the way he spoke to you. The selfish part of his brain won for the second time that night. 

The first thing he saw after opening was two airline tickets situated just in front of a folded piece of notebook paper. 

He held his breath as he brought them into the light, two roundtrip business tickets to Sydney. 

He rushed to read the note you had left with them, unfolding it quickly. 

“Lu, 

Happy two years, my love. I can’t believe I’ve been lucky enough to call you mine for this long. Not a day goes by where I’m not in complete and utter awe of you and everything you do for me. I know how hard you work and how much you miss home and your family while you continue to grow in your music, and in yourself everyday. I know these aren’t the best tickets you’ve ever had by any means or the most extravagant vacation you’ve taken, but I wanted to show you how much I love you and how much I know you deserve, and need a break. We have 2 weeks, we leave tomorrow. I’ve worked it all out with the guys and your label. I know this is just a small way to repay you for the way you’ve taken care of me and the way you’ve loved me so selflessly for so long but I hope it shows you just a sliver of how much I love you. 

Yours always, 

               Y/n” 

He traced the letters of your name repeatedly as he blinked back a few stinging tears, before falling asleep, the note clutched tightly to his chest. 

That was a week, and about 100 missed calls ago.

About two days after you left, your friend had called to let him know that you were safe and staying with her for the time being. It had slightly lessened his worry, but the guilt he felt grew exponentially each day he had no reason to say your name.

He had claimed your side of the bed as his own in hopes that it would bring you closer to him. When he had finally dragged himself out of bed to shower he used your body wash and as embarrassing as it sounds nearly cried when the room was flooded with the familiar rose scented steam. And tonight while scouring through the liquor cabinet and feeling completely sorry for himself he had come across a bottle of tequila that you had purchased on your most recent vacation. 

Luke had put a serious dent in it by the time he was done scrolling through all of his pictures of you, and his finger began to itch with the need to call you. 

Through blurry and clouded eyes he located your contact, a breath hitching in his throat when he clicked the call button. 

With each unanswered ring he pinched his wrist, willing himself to wake up and discover this was all just some horrible nightmare, that he would just roll over and see you curled up next to him, warm, and sweet, and perfect. So fucking perfect. 

“You’ve reached y/n. Sorry I can’t get to the phone, leave a message and I’ll get back to you. Thanks” 

But it’s not his nightmare that got him here, it’s his mistake. 

“Y/n,” he croaked, his voice hoarse and scratchy as he hasn’t used it much in the past couple of days. 

“I don’t know what to do anymore, I miss you and I’m sorry. I-” his heart was pounding and his intoxication numbed him from the feeling of  the hot tears that streamed down his face as he continued. “M’selfish baby. I’m so selfish and I was talking out of my ass that night, of course you’re not leeching. That’s fucking ridiculous, you couldn’t be, I give you nothing compared to what you give me. I just don’t know how to admit I’m wrong and the money is bullshit, it doesn’t matter, we could both live without it.”  his chest felt tight as he took a large gulp of air. “I-I can’t live without you, really I don’t think I can. I need you and I love you. I love you so much. Just please come home to me, please baby. I need you with me, and I want to fucking give you the world and I know you don’t need me to give it to you. I want to. I just-I want to give you everything, anything. You can have it all. It’s yours. I’m yours, alwa-”  his pleads were cut off by the dial tone. 

“Always.” he repeated, staring at the black screen. 

pt. 2

[dameronology]

love in the time of p.t.a. meetings {marcus moreno} - 4/5

summary: after a few months of slightly chaotic bliss, you & marcus start to think about the next steps in your relationship. {series masterlist}

warnings: swearing 

this is up a little later than i wanted & i do apologise, i once again stayed up all night and i cannot recount a single thing i’ve done. enjoy!

- jazz

Things between you and Marcus quickly fell into a routine.

You kind of had to when you both had kids; their lives needed structure. Depended on it, in fact. It wasn’t long before both of your lives were entangled in more ways than one, mostly for the sake of Missy and Jack having security around them but also because things between you were so good. Neither of you were trying to rush by any means, but when it worked, it worked. You were both good at communicating with each other - not that many issues really cropped up - and you both understood that your children came first. Things progressed easily and naturally, and he made you feel secure enough that you didn’t have to question whether or not it was too good to be true. 

Five months had quickly passed and you were both comfortable. Marcus Moreno was your boyfriend and it wasn’t a big deal. Okay, it had been at first - especially the first time he planted a kiss on your lips in front of the minivan brigade - but now? It was normal. It felt like he’d always been there, and you took it as a good sign. You got on well with Missy, especially since she’d witnessed your spat with Carol and started to think the world of you, and Jack...well, he was obsessed with Marcus. You couldn’t blame the kid. 

‘Jack! Put the soup down!’ 

It was another one of those mornings. It was a Sunday, so you didn’t have to worry about getting up early for school or work but you’d been at Marcus’ till late the night before. You and Jack ended up spending a lot of time at his; there was a swimming pool and a big garden for Optimus Prime to run around in, so it tired both of your tiny spawns out, which worked in your favour.

 Even when the kid had spent four hours swimming last night, he’d still risen that morning at 6AM like Jesus Christ on the third day. You’d woken to find the kitchen covered in smashed eggs and ham, then your oven had broken and the toilet was blocked again. 

You’d been halfway through reversing the problem when you’d heard Jack shuffling in the kitchen. You were stood in the hallway, still in your pyjamas, with a toilet brush in one hand and the other balled up into a fist. 

‘Jack, the soup is about to-’

You paused mid-sentence, watching as the bowl he was trying to reach for toppled straight off of the counter. You’d only washed his hair ten minutes ago, and you might as well have not fucking bothered because it was now covered in chunky vegetable soup. And the Chewbacca onesie he loved so much? Trying to peel that off him for the next few hours to wash the Heinz out of it was going to be a whole task in itself. You’d only just been to the laundrette the day before, and you’d gotten to the point in life where having a place with its own washing machine was a sign of success. 

‘Mum, there’s soup in my hair.’

‘It’s okay.’ You took a moment to breath. ‘We are not going to cry.’

‘I’m not crying.’

‘Wasn’t talking to you, buddy.’ You rubbed your temples for a moment. ‘C’mon, let’s go hop in the bath.’

So much of parenting was just...stopping to breath. Stopping to take a moment to remind yourself that although your love for your child was unwavering and unconditional, you sometimes felt like screaming. All you’d done for the last five hours was go in circles, cleaning and lecturing and cleaning some more. It made you wish you were at work that day, because at least then you could have conversations with people that weren’t about what cheese they wanted for lunch or what cartoon they wanted to watch. 

‘I just had a bath.’ Jack muttered. 

‘Yeah well, you need another one.’ You took another deep breath. ‘I’ll be there in a minute-’

‘- I don’t want a bath!’

‘And I don’t want a kid that’s covered in soup!’ You shot back. ‘C’mon, buddy. Just do as I say, please?’

Your conversation was interrupted by a knock at the door. You frowned for a moment - you weren’t expecting anyone. There was no post on Sundays and you hadn’t seen your landlord since the day you’d moved in. Your nosey neighbour knocked sometimes, usually asking about the noise (he didn’t have kids, clearly) and you were this close to telling him to mind his own fucking business. 

‘I swear to god, if that’s David again, I am going to shove this can of soup up his - Marcus!’ You almost did a double take when you saw your boyfriend stood at the door - he really chose his times, didn’t he? You hadn’t even had time to put the fucking toilet brush down. ‘Hey.’ 

‘Hey, baby.’ He greeted you slowly, eyes slowly taking in your appearance (and not in a sexy way). ‘Were you not expecting me?’

‘Shit, did we have plans?’ Your eyes widened. 

‘No, but Jack called. He said you’d asked him to ask me to come over, but I realise half way through that sentence that starting with Jack called probably means you had no idea.’ He offered you a goofy smile. ‘He said that the sofa had exploded and that you needed help.’

There was a lot to unpack there. When had Jack done that? More to the point, when had he learnt to use the phone? How had he worked out your phone password? The kid couldn’t do up his own velcro and now he was a Russian hacker, apparently. 

‘Oh my god.’ You groaned. ‘I am so sorry. Things have been batshit here this morning and I’m sure he had my best interests in his weird little heart, but he made you come all this way-’

‘- Marcus!’ Speaking of the devil.

Jack pushed past you, wrapping his arms around Marcus’ waist. He leant down to pick him up, lifting him off the ground - albeit at a distance, due to Soupgate. 

‘Hey, buddy.’ He greeted him. ‘You been causing trouble again?’

‘Not on purpose.’ Jack replied. ‘Mum says I need another bath.’

‘I think she’s right.’ Marcus said. ‘Why don’t you go pick out some clothes and come back in a minute, yeah?’

‘Okay!’ Seemingly impressed by the newfound trust in him to choose an outfit, Jack wriggled himself back down to the floor, trotting towards his bedroom. Seriously, how did Marcus do that? Perhaps his ability to have authority over your archaic child was another hidden power of his. 

‘You look like you need a break, baby.’ He reached out, gently running a hand down your arm.

‘I’m fine, he’s just been a lot today.’ You sighed.

‘You have soup on your shirt and fluff in your hair.’

‘Couch stuffing.’

‘Huh?’

‘It’s couch stuffing. Except that was Optimus Prime and not Jack, which makes a nice change.’ You muttered.

‘Look, Missy is at her abuela’s today and she’s been begging for ages to see Jack again.’ He said. ‘What d’you say I drive him over there, you clean up and we hang out? Just us, no kids, no dogs, no stress.’

‘That sounds like a fucking dream.’ You couldn’t help but smile. ‘But Optimus has consumed half the couch and I gotta keep an eye on him-’

‘-we can bring him with us!’ Marcus grinned. ‘He loves the garden.’

‘Are you sure? Because I remember you saying you had work plans today and I don’t want you to cancel them on account for the fact I can’t control my own kid. Or life.’

‘You two come first.’ He said it as though it were the most obvious thing in the world. ‘Three, including Optimus Prime.’

--

In the time it took Marcus to drive Jack to his mum’s and get back to yours, you were able to clean up. The apartment was still a state, but it hadn’t been properly tidy in...how many days had it been since Jack was born? Because it hadn’t been clean in exactly that many days. You felt a little bad dumping him on Anita when he was still covered in soup, but if anyone was able to wrestle him into the bath and some clean clothes, it was her. You’d met her a few times and she was absolutely lovely, but you had no doubt she could be terrifying when need be. She was the sort of woman you aspired to be.

By midday, you were driving out the city. There was music playing quietly over the radio and you were watching the houses go by; even though it was cold out, you had the heater on and you were bundled up in a leather jacket, Marcus’ scarf snugly around your neck. It smelt faintly of his aftershave, which had become one of your favourite scents over the last five months. The time had gone so quickly. You’d seen each other practically every day since then, and having the kids meant you’d been fallen into being domestic pretty quickly. The simplicity of it all - him and you and getting to this point so easily - was overwhelming in itself. 

Your first relationship had been so complicated - so finicky and filled with unnecessary arguments. That should have been a sign early on, but then you’d gotten pregnant with Jack and getting married had seemed like the obvious thing to do. His presence meant you wouldn’t have changed anything, not for the entire fucking world, but it made you a little sad to think about how long you’d wasted on what had clearly been the wrong person. Meanwhile, Marcus’ situation had been entirely different; he’d had the right person the first time around and then he’d lost them. You never felt like a replacement to his wife, or even thought about the notion, really. That had been another part of his life. You were a new part and it didn’t mean he was forgetting the past. The two could co-exist without taking away from each other. 

‘You’re deep in thought.’ Marcus observed. He moved one of his hands to rest on your leg, giving it a light squeeze. He did that a lot, usually whenever you were sat beside him at the table or on the sofa. It was just a him thing. 

‘Yeah, sorry.’ You tore your gaze away from the window. ‘My brain always goes a little into overdrive when things are quiet.’

He chuckled. ‘What’s on your mind?’

‘You, actually.’ You tangled your fingers with his, thumb brushing over the back of his hand. ‘I was just thinking about lucky I am and how good things are, and how it almost feels too good to be true.’

‘Better believe it, baby.’ He replied. ‘Because it is true.’

‘I know.’ You peered over at him with a smile. ‘It’s just...my only perceptions of relationships were based on the single one I’ve had. Everything was so complicated and exhausting. This is completely different and it’s so nice. And normal. And I don’t know, that sounds stupid-’

‘- it’s not stupid at all.’ Marcus peered over at you, shaking his head. ‘It’s natural to be a little apprehensive after a bad relationship and if there’s anything I can do to help, you just have to tell me. You know that, right?’

Maybe it was the way he said it, or maybe it was just him, but you knew for certain that he meant that. There was sort of a silent agreement now that you were both in this for the long haul. Your mum had always said that you’ll know when you know but you’d always written that off. Mostly because you hadn’t known the first time round. But, now you did. You did know and though you weren’t going to admit that to Marcus, you never doubted him for a second. 

‘I do.’ You said. ‘But he’s in the past now - and hopefully it’s where he fucking stays.’

‘I have contacts. I can find him and set Miracle Guy on him.’ Marcus’ grin had returned. ‘Just say the word.’

‘You make a tempting offer.’ You smiled back at him. ‘But the past is the past and I’m ready to...slam the lid on that dumpster.’

‘Do you think he’ll ever want to come back into Jack’s life?’

You pondered for a moment. ‘I don’t think so, but if he did, I dunno if I’d let him. I never wanna be the person who stops someone from seeing their kids but what he did was...it was unforgivable.’

‘You don’t have to make that decision until it actually happens.’ Marcus gently said. ‘And I’ll support whatever you choose.’

He pulled into the drive way of his house - his nice, clean, sofa-stuffing-and-soup free house. Optimus Prime leapt out the car as soon as the door was open, practically tearing past the two of you and down towards the yard. There was a moment of silence and then a splash!

‘Guess he found the pool.’ Marcus commented. ‘At least it’s heated, I s’pose.’

Truth be told, he loved having the three of you at his house. It felt like whatever had been missing before was slowly making an appearance as your relationship progressed. The irony was that you brought nothing but chaos and clutter with you, but that was exactly what made it feel like a home. It was small things; the painting that Jack had done for him at after school club was now hung up up on the fridge, and there was a photo of him and Missy on the fireplace with Optimus Prime. Half of the thousands of blankets of pillows that had been at your place had ended up on his sofa, thanks to the countless sleepovers. 

If he could have it his way, Marcus would have you live with here all the time. The energy that you and Jack brought made everything feel complete. He loved the evenings where Missy and Jack would play out in the pool, and you two would sit back inside, complaining about the cold. Then there were the nights where you’d take both the kids back here when he was working late, and he’d come home to find you piled on the couch watching an old movie, with your burnt cooking abandoned on the stove, surrounded by boxes of left over take out. It was the kind of thing that was so simple and so domestic, but it was everything he wanted. 

That was probably the flashpoint moment when Marcus Moreno realised he wanted to spend the rest of his life with you. He already knew he loved you - he’d worked that out about three months in, when you’d fallen asleep in one of his shirts whilst trying to wait up for him - but he hadn’t said it. He’d hinted at it and made back-handed comments but he’d barely admitted it to himself, let alone to anyone else. He knew what you and Jack had gone through before and it broke his entire fucking heart. You both deserved someone who stand by you and support you, someone who would embrace you both for the craziness and warm energy you brought everywhere with you. More than ever, he was realising he wanted to be that person who gave it you. After all, you’d made his life so much brighter without even trying.

Snapping out of his trance, Marcus looked over at you. You’d already ditched your shoes and dropped onto the sofa, pulling one of the blankets with you. This was exactly what you needed. A quiet house, your favourite person and a cable knit blanket. 

‘Hey, baby?’ 

You looked over at him, smiling at the name. ‘Yeah?’

‘You know I love you, right?’

You blinked in surprise, sitting up. ‘I know.’

‘You do?’

‘You’ve never said it, but I can tell.’ You nodded, before offering a smile. ‘And I love you too.’

‘I’m sorry I didn’t say it sooner.’ He slowly approached you, dropping onto the sofa beside you and taking your hands in his. ‘I think I just got so caught up in everything and feeling everything that I forgot.’

‘Why are you apologising?’ You couldn’t help but scoff at him, leaning forward to press a kiss to his lips. ‘It’s your actions that say it, Marc. Hearing it is good but you showed it a long time ago.’

‘I know, but really you deserve to hear it everyday.’ He smiled against you, helping you move onto his lap. 

‘You do tell me everyday, with the things you do.’ You reminded him. ‘Like meeting me in the parking lot with coffee, or bribing Jack into going to bed early with video messages from your superheroes, or doing my grocery shopping when you know money is short.’

‘Why wouldn’t I do those things?’ Marcus seemed genuinely confused. ‘It’s you.’

‘I love you.’ You repeated the phrase. 

‘And I love you.’

He pulled you into another kiss - this time it was a little firmer, not unlike your second declaration of love. Marcus did all those things without thinking, simply out of his intense want for you to just be happy. He was the same with Missy, always doing little things to make her life easier just because. It was just part of who he was, and it made him happy to see his loved ones happy. 

With your body pressed against his and your hands tangled in your hair, Marcus realised he didn’t want you to ever leave again. He didn’t want you to have to drive home in the dark at ten because all of your stuff was on the other side of town. You did stay over sometimes, but then you’d have to creep out at 6AM with a sleeping Jack in your arms to get home in time to get ready. He wanted you here all the time. You should have been here all the time. 

‘Move in with me?’ 

He both did and didn’t mean to say it out loud. He did because he wanted you so badly to be a permanent fixture in the house, but he also didn’t because the idea might have been a little absurd. Was it too soon? What if you didn’t want to leave your place? He knew you loved your apartment. It was your home and had been for a long time.

‘What?!’ You suddenly pulled back from the kiss, eyes wide. 

‘I mean...if you want to.’ Marcus slowly said. ‘Hell, Missy and I can move to your place if that’s what you want. It might be tight but she loves the dog and I just want to be with you-’

‘- hey!’ You cut him off, planting your hands on his shoulders. ‘You’re rambling again, but that’s besides the point. I would love to live here.’

‘You would?’

‘I would.’ You smiled. 

It made sense. Aside from the glaringly obvious fact you wanted to, it was also practical. It was closer to the school, closer to your work and it had a fucking swimming pool. Marcus was already clearly financially secure and moving in wouldn’t mean relying on him, but it would have meant that things for Jack were a lot more stable. Missy loved the company of you both, and it meant she would finally have the dog she wanted so bad. 

‘Missy would be okay with it, right?’ You asked.

‘She was the one who put the idea in my head, actually.’ Marcus admitted. ‘I’d thought about it but then she kind of asked in passing why you don’t live here, and I couldn’t give her an answer.’

‘Your kid is smart.’

‘D’you think Jack will-’

‘- I’m going to stop you there.’ You cut him off.

‘Right, I probably don’t need to ask that question.’ He chuckled.

‘Exactly.’ You pressed a kiss to his nose. ‘Don’t forget the dog, either.’

‘How could I? I can literally see him peeing on my lawn right now.’

‘Our lawn.’

--

Exactly three weeks later - and after a hefty amount of paperwork and hours of sorting through Jack’s endless amounts of crap that he insisted on hoarding - moving day came. 

Anita had insisted on having the kids again. They were both excited, but perhaps a little too much. They were probably more likely to get in the way of things if anything. Children, a dog and large boxes? It seemed like a match made in hell. Plus, she had a whole ass training course in her back garden and if that didn’t wear the kid out, then you were definitely going to take him to the Heroics to get tested. The thought alone was enough to tire you out. 

You didn’t have too much stuff to move. You’d been half-moved into the damn place before Marcus had even made the formal proposal, so that made things a lot easier. You were keeping your sofa for Jack’s room, but the rest was going to Goodwill. Most of it had come from there in the first place.

‘I think that’s the last box.’ Marcus announced, exiting the bedroom. ‘I didn’t realise that a five year could own so many variations of storm-trooper toys.’

‘Oh, yeah.’ You replied. ‘There’s the original trilogy ones, sequel trilogy ones, dark troopers, shock troopers, clone troopers - and I realise half way through listing them that you don’t care.’

‘I never said that!’ He placed his hands on your waist, pressing a kiss to your forehead. ‘I’m excited to learn.’

‘I’m sure Jack is excited to tell you.’ You grinned. 

Then, it faltered slightly with the realisation you were actually leaving this place. You’d never intended for it to be your permanent home, but it had still been the centre of your entire universe for half a decade. Every room told a story; the crayon marks on the bathroom wall, the dents behind the TV from, the crack in the living room mirror. All caused by Jack, naturally. The last five years was contained entirely within these four walls and you got bleary eyed at the idea of it becoming someone else’s. 

‘Hey, don’t cry.’ Marcus gently wiped away a tear from your cheek. 

‘You know, the rent is still paid till the end of the month so we could revisit the idea of you and Missy living here instead.’ You tearfully smiled. 

‘You’re kidding but you know I’ll do it.’ He pressed another kiss to your nose, grip on your arms tightening. 

‘It’s okay.’ You moved so that the kiss landed on your mouth instead, capturing his lips in a brief kiss. ‘I knew we were gonna outgrow this place. I just didn’t expect it to be so soon.’

‘I know. Still kinda feels like it all came out of no-where, huh?’ He replied. ‘In the best way.’

‘You’re right. In the best way.’ You firmly nodded. ‘Can you believe I was 23 when I moved into this place? I found it on Craiglist within ten minutes of finding out I was pregnant.’

‘Do you wanna take a minute before we go?’

‘No, it’s fine.’ You shook your head. ‘We should get going.’

The apartment was just that: an apartment. And the house you were going to was just that: a house. But the people you were with? That’s what made it count. It wasn’t about the four walls or the roof over your head, or whether or not it had a big yard and a jacuzzi bath tub (though, that did help). It was about the laughter and warmth inside; the faces in the photos on the wall and the people you came home to after a long day. It was the smell of your burnt cooking and the pizza you’d ordered in place. It was Jack’s toys left in the exact place where someone could trip and it was Missy using all the hot water in the morning so that Marcus’ showers were practically arctic. It was everyday things that reminded you of the people around you; the people that made it home, and how lucky you were to have them.

That was home. And you’d found yours. 

taglist: @naivara-duneimith @1-2-3-4-5metalfingers @likeshootingstarsinthenightsky​ @lyanna-the-giantsbane @phoenixhalliwell @crazycookiecrumbles​ @bitchin-beskar​ @comphersjost

[witch-hazels-musings]

is this all i have?

^ hey all, a little different fic I have for you today.

If you decide to read it, it’ll give you some insight into why I haven’t been posting a lot ... it says more than I probably would normally share about my struggles but @genshin-karebear encouraged me to be honest and, so, here I am. (thank you, friend)

Warnings -> negative self-talk, comfort, one curse word 

I sat at my desk, head in my hands and tears on the verge of spilling over the edges of my eyes. For days I’d been struggling, frantically, painfully trying to get back into the swing of things with nothing to show for it other than tear stained clothes and empty pieces of paper.

Where did it all go? Where was the spark that used to ignite in my heart when I sat down to write the words which once came so easy? Am I spent, have I used up all that skill in a matter of months … what’s wrong with me.

A single tear cascaded down my cheek as I stared at the massive nothingness that lay before me. The taunting paper which looked back at like a score card of failures after failures, as if to remind me that I will never be a person worthy of it’s time. I rubbed my eyes, pushing my glasses over my brow and feeling the hot liquid which rested in them, this would be the tenth time I’ve done this today.

“I’m just spent and I don’t know what I’m going to do anymore.” My lip quivered, my cheeks became wet, my eyes blurry. “I’m a failure.” I whispered to myself shaking my head and holding onto the last ounce of energy I could muster - it didn’t matter that the sun was warm and shined through my window, there was nothing strong enough to push through my veil of despair.

I looked out the window and saw the world move on around me; it never waits, while it pushes on I’m left behind. The trees continue to spread out their leaves in an attempt to soak up the necessary nutrients they need to survive, seeds float on the wind looking for a place to rest, bugs move from place to place at random, the cat lounges on the chair lost in its dreams as its fur is warmed by the sun I cannot seem to feel. I’m jealous of that cat.

I contemplate getting up and doing something different, but there is a voice inside of me that tells me to push through, to keep going and write something - put anything down on this piece of paper. Fuck you, paper … you are nothing to me and yet you have total control over my pen. I’m angry and frustrated at an inanimate object when I should really be mad at myself. It’s my fault I cannot get anything out --- I’m broken, that must be the only answer.

The tears have all fallen, water droplets speckle the parchment and my eyes look onward without any ounce of life left. I feel empty and hollow, I have no more energy for it all and so I lay down the pen, drop my head to the table and close my eyes.

I don’t know how long I sit like this, time has been moving so slowly for me as of late that this feels like nothing new. I don’t even hear the sound of the door opening, or footsteps headed my way. In fact, I barely register there is another presence in the room until I feel a hand on my shoulder.

“Hazel?” I stir, but only enough to turn my head onto its side and glance at the person who called me by name, a name I didn’t feel I had the right to claim. I looked up and felt my stomach drop, of course it would be him … the one person who I continued to fail over and over again. “Are you okay?”

I bit the inside of my lip, desperate to keep my emotions in check. I hated looking weak, and complaining about my frustrations only made me feel worse. These worries and inadequacies are my own issues to deal with, there was no need to drag others down into my sorrow, so I changed the subject.

“You’re back earlier than I thought you’d be.” I leaned up from the desk and turned myself to face him. Instinctually, I placed my hand on the blank paper, an attempt to hide my shame.

“Yes, there wasn’t much for me to do, it seemed everyone had it under control and I didn’t see a need to stick around.” He placed a few items down on the table in the study. It was some of the only sounds which broke the monotony of my day. “… did I disturb your work?”

“No, I only just started.” I lied, grinning to add another layer to my coverup.

“Oh, normally you get started much earlier than this …” His observation was accurate, even if it stung a little. He was right after all, I’d been sitting at this desk since we parted ways earlier in the morning … I felt chained to it, obligated to do something worthwhile at this god forsaken wooden nightmare.

“Normally, yes. I just, uh, had some things to get done before this …”

“Well I’m sure you are eager to get started, I’ll leave you to it.” He looked down at me kindly, and I yearned to have more than just his words and kind eyes at the moment, but I knew it wouldn’t be possible to ask that of him.

“Sounds good, I’ve got a lot of ideas and think I can get some good stuff done today.” Another lie.

“I believe you will.” He looked at me and my brain screamed. It battled between the side of reaching for him and letting him go. As busy as he was, he didn’t need to be bothered by my struggles. So, in an effort to keep them under control I pushed my knuckles to the small space between my chin and lips, the nail of my index finger digging into the corner of my mouth for extra sensory support. I smiled weakly at him and watched as he made his way through the threshold, disappearing beyond my line of sight. When the door closed I stood from my chair and walked to the window, my hand extended to capture the rays of the sun which normally brought me comfort, but today only illuminated my skin.

The emotions bubbled up in my chest and, like a sad child who didn’t get what they wanted, I removed my glasses, dropped my head into my hand and cried. Soft, quiet sobs spilled from my mouth while my eyes remained shielded by the darkness of my hand. Something caught my attention and as soon as I allowed my vision to adjust to the source, dark cloth and a flash of red envelope me.

“What …?”

“I knew something wasn’t right.” His voice was so soothing, his arms tight around my body, his chest inviting and the way his hand spread across my back ... it all meshed perfectly together. “For days, you’ve been acting strange … I’m sorry I didn’t notice sooner.”

“What .. what are you talking about ..?” my voice was strained, telling of my emotions, and still I tried to push through. “I’m fine, I-I just got something in my eye.”

“You know you can be honest with me.”

“I know …”

“So, tell me what’s on your mind.”

“This isn’t something to worry you over.”

“Isn’t it?” He pulled back so he could look at me and I was glad my glasses were still off. I couldn’t bear to see him clearly right now. “Something is clearly weighing on you, how could I not offer my support?

“It’s stupid, and I just need to get over it.”

“If it makes you feel this way, then whatever problem you have isn’t stupid.” He pressed, and his words, combined with the closeness of him, was starting to break my resolve. I didn’t want to put anything else on his shoulders … I didn’t want to appear weak … I didn’t want to be a failure.

“I’m … struggling.” He didn’t let me go or say anything, which made me fill the silence with my own pitiful words. 

“I’ve been trying for days to get something, anything out and every time I do the words don’t flow like they did. I’m worried … did I write all that I’m ever going to write. What if I can’t do it anymore … what if this is all I have …” The tears began to slip down my cheeks, some found a home in the bend of my lips and filled my mouth with the taste of salt. I shook my head and bit my tongue, this is stupid, I’m acting like a child. I tried to push away from him but he only tightened his grip. “God, there are so many more important things to be upset about, and here I am whining about something so petty.”

“When was the last time you took a break? Perhaps, that may help?”

“I’ve done that … I’ve taken such a long break -- I-I don’t want to take a break anymore. Why is this so hard.” I felt the pressure of my brows as they moved closer to one another, the bending of my nose as I scrunch my face out of frustration. “I’m wasting time and people are waiting on me … how long can I ask them to wait … how long do I deserve their patience …”

“Has anyone pushed you to work faster than you can?”

I parted my lips and ran my tongue over the back of my teeth, “No … but I can’t expect them to wait forever. There’s gotta be something wrong with me, right? That’s the only explanation I have at this point. I’m not good at it anymore … I’m worried and stressed and ... just ... so sad.”

His hands slipped around my arms, one resting against my shoulder and the other cupping my face. “I know this feels like an impassable obstacle, but you haven’t lost anything … you just need to give it time.”

“Haven’t I done that?”

“You told me you’ve been in here trying to force yourself everyday, have you really taken time to rest?” I shrugged my shoulders and shifted my eyes away from him.

“You don’t take breaks either …” I mumbled, my words were an effort to get even and show him how the suggestion was nothing but a silly statement that had no meaning.

“Maybe, I should.” I didn’t want to look at him, but I could tell his tone had grown more thoughtful. He let his hands fall to my wrist, the feeling of his glove against my skin was somehow comforting. “Come with me.” He gripped tightly and led me through the door of the study faster than I could protest. We walked down the stairs, confused maids and staff staring at us as we blew by them before leaving through the heavy doors of the winery and onto the dirt path which held endless possibilities of destinations. I protested, but there was no escaping his grip and, soon, all my effort was on keeping up with his pace.

When I thought I couldn’t take another step we stopped, he released my hand and with him no longer keeping me upright, I fell into the grass below me, my arms sprawled outward. I breathed in deeply and relished the feeling of the wind against my face.

“It’s been a long time since I moved that quickly.”

“How do you feel?”

“Let me get back to you on that… ” I laughed and rested my hand against my chest, the beating of my heart pounding there as I tried to breathe with hot lungs.

I looked up at the sky, the vastness of it stealing my vision and removing anything else. My skin was tickled by the blades of grass that brushed against it, and I watched as a small bee flew over my face his swaying movement mesmerizing. When was the last time I was outside like this… it felt like such a long time ago.

I stretched my hand toward the sky above me, the blue color peeking through my spread fingers, my palm cutting off the fuzzy clouds that moved lazily along. His face came into view and I realized I had yet to put my glasses back on.

He bent down to meet me, his back falling into the grass at my side, hair following the pull of gravity and spreading out in the grassy hill. 

“I can’t believe you are laying in the grass.” I chuckled and dropped my hand back onto my chest, turning my head to look at him.

“I’m known to have a few surprises up my sleeve.” He responded, turning his head to look at me, the light from above gracing his face and somehow only making him even more beautiful than he already was. It was so blinding that I had to look away.

“Hah, well, color me impressed.” For the first time in days, I feel a small reprieve from the darkness which had seeped into my skin. Something internal began to tingle, starting from my fingertips and slowly up my arms and as I took in a deep breath the smell of sweet flowers filled my nose. “Thank you, Diluc.”

He reached for the hand which was moving back and forth above the grass at my side, his strong, large grip providing protection and comfort, and for the first time in days, the feeling of warmth.

“Promise to tell me next time you are struggling; don’t hide away alone.”

“I’ll do my best.”

---

I feel much like Kiki did in Kiki’s Delivery Service ... how can I fly again when I feel so ... bleh 

I’ll keep trying, all <3 

[theyre-just-blocks]

Different relationships on the Dream SMP but they’re Glass Animals songs. 

No, I haven’t read Heatwaves, no I’m not doing this because of Heat Waves, this is just for fun because I love the band and their music and some of their songs actually fit character relationships in the Dream SMP really well. 

Reminder! This is based on their characters in the SMP, not the actual ccs themselves. It would be weird if it wasn’t and quite frankly the songs wouldn’t fit if that were the case. 

Relationship: Sam & Ponk

Song: Pork Soda

What It’s About: A loving relationship between two lovers who slowly started to fall out of love, leading one of them to want what the relationship used to be. 

Why It Fits: I mean, the song meaning is pretty much what’s going on with the two right now. They had a nice, loving dynamic that quickly turned to the worse thanks to the Egg and the Prison corrupting the both of them. The narrator, obviously, would be Ponk, who got the short end of the stick when it came to the complications of the relationship. And I just think it would be funny to have ‘lemon’ instead of ‘pineapple.’ 

Some Lyrics:

You took my hand and you made me run, up past the prison to the seafront

Why can’t we laugh now like we did then? How come I see you and ache instead?

Maybe you’re fucking scum, don’t you go psycho chum

I want you for the world, I want you all the time (stop)

I won’t forget how you looked at me then

Relationship: DreamXD & George

Song: Holiest

What It’s About: A relationship between two lovers, one who is annoyed with the other’s antics, who is preoccupied in their dreams, goals, and ideals, comparing them to a child.

Why It Fits: I really only chose this song for the two because DreamXD is kind of a god on the SMP, so I went, “Okay god, they’ve got a song called ‘Holiest’, that fits.” But I also think it fits in the way that DreamXD basically simps for George and in the song one of the individuals seems to beg the other that they can be different. I think it would be a sort of, “You’re not him,” kind of thing, basically.

Some Lyrics:

Be a part of the scene like you're living your dream, Walk the room like you're on fire, Like your chasing the truth, gripping tight to your youth

Babe, I'm not what you think, Come on, listen to me

Now all I do is feel afraid

Can't you see that I'm here, Can't you see I've been played

But you're the holiest thing I know, Yes, you're the holiest thing, holiest thing I know

Relationship: Schlatt & Quackity

Song: Cacao Hooves

What It’s About: Possibly about the internal conflict of someone who has done a lot of bad things in the past (though not confirmed).

Why It Fits: Even if the song is mainly for one’s internal conflicts, I felt like it fit Schlatt and Quackity’s external ones with each other. For one, the character in the song is an ‘old goat’, perfect for Schlatt, then there’s a comment about setting wings on fire, perfect for Quackity. The internal conflict in the song would be the two going back and forth with the White House, especially since there’s a line about not fighting back/using bows and arrows. I just thought it was perfect. 

Some Lyrics:

This old goat with beard of grey, He turns his leather gripped cane

You never fight back, Why don’t you play with bows and arrows?

Why don’t you play nice? Why don’t you toy with sex and violence?

Why don’t you set your wings on fire?

Relationship: Dream & Fundy

Song: Flip

What It’s About: The narrator is making plans on getting revenge on someone who had wronged/harmed them in the past.

Why It Fits: While most of the lyrics don’t really fit, and Fundy hasn’t made a move to get back at Dream for what happened at the Wedding, the idea behind the song, I felt fit the two. If given the chance, I’m sure that Fundy would’ve gotten revenge on Dream, seeing as he did so with L’Manburg during Doomsday. It would be from Fundy’s perspective and it puts a new spin on the idea of a Fox Hunt. 

Some Lyrics:

I wanna take to my guns and break you, I gotta make my little foe take his own

I’m gonna go back, I’m gonna go back, I’m gonna go back to a face no more mask

I was in full bloom until I met you, I’m gonna shake my fetters, I’m breaking loose

Relationship: Quackity, Karl, & Sapnap

Song: Tangerine

What It’s About: The narrator sings about some that they’ve know who’s taken a turn for the worse, changing due to different events, but the narrator still has the hope that things could be the same.

Why It Fits: This song fits so well, lyric and beat wise. It’s so preppy and fun like them, despite the lyrics being so down. For this, it would be Karl and Sapnap’s take on Quackity’s spiral with torturing Dream and setting up Las Nevadas. They’re wondering what happened to him and still have hope that maybe they could get him back, basically. 

Some Lyrics: 

I can't keep on making you happy 'cause you got issues with your daddy

But I wish I could show you more of yourself, I wish I could make you somebody else. But I left it way too late. Are you stuck in your own ways?

You let the devil in, and all you talk is money, money, money, money, money, It's so funny how it changes how you feel

Where are you? What happened? I want what we had. Where you gone? Where you hidin'?

Hands, knees, please, tangerine, come on back to me. Got what I need, tangerine, do this for me

Relationship: Puffy & Niki

Song: Agnes

What It’s About: The narrator is trying to pull out another from an addiction, which has steadily ruined their relationship a bit.

Why It Fits: This one is just a bit of a stretch, but it works. It would be from Puffy’s POV as she’s trying to get Niki back to the way she once was, before Doomsday, before finding out about Wilbur, and before being obsessed with killing Tommy. In the song, the person being sung about has an addiction, so I figured that could be replaced with her want to kill Tommy. So it’s Puffy trying to bring her back, but at the same time, Puffy is unsure about what she’s doing. 

Some Lyrics:

Calm down now, stop and breathe a second? Go back to the very beginning. Can't you see what was different then?

To be reborn, I want to hold you like you're mine

You see the sad in everything. A genius of love and loneliness

Where went that cheeky friend of mine? Where went that billion-dollar smile?

You're gone but you're on my mind. I'm lost but I don't know why

Relationship: Bad & Skeppy

Song: JDNT

What It’s About: Though not confirmed, the song could be about a narrator who is putting on a brave face, but is ready to crack under the stress at any minute. 

Why It Fits: This one is also a stretch, it was kind of hard to find a song that fit the two. However, with the Egg, I think that this song works well for them. Though I couldn’t find a solid meaning behind the lyrics, I figured that if we took their arc with the Egg, it would work. I think the song would be from both of their POVs, with the story idea behind Skeppy being stuck in the Egg and Bad giving himself to the Egg in return of getting his friend back. 

Some Lyrics:

I've got my old helmet on, Keeping out an eye, Puffing all my feathers up

Please, it's not okay. Oh, can't you feel your dirty face? Oh, don't it leave that filthy taste?

Where my funny friends gone? You're in paradise. Who gon' plant the flowers, huh?

I shut my wild eyes, and crumble to a pile of dust and fertilise

Relationship: Quackity & Glatt

Song: Your Love (Deju vu)

What It’s About: Being caught up in a relationship you know is toxic, but somehow you can’t seem to cut that person out of your life.

Why It Fits: I think the meaning of the song fits them pretty well as we all know that relationship was toxic as hell. But in this sense, it’s Glatt, so even more so, Quackity’s still coming back to him even when Schlatt is dead and now a ghost. Though their relationship during Schlatt’s time alive was terrible, Quackity still went to Schlatt and decided to work with him. Also, it’s got a line about eating and I just thought it would fit in the whole ‘heart eating’ sense. 

Some Lyrics:

And I'm backsliding into this just one more time

You go back there when you're done, Don't you want some more?

Maybe in time, When we're both better at life, daylight can open my eyes, and you'll still be by my side

Night by night, I let you eat me alive, I want you to eat me alive

Relationship: Dream & George

Song: Heatwa - [gunshot]

Nah, jk, here’s their song.

Relationship: Dream & George

Song: The Other Side of Paradise

What It’s About: Though I’m not entirely sure, but I think that the song focuses around a relationship that slowly deteriorated due to one of the individuals moving on for a more grander, luxurious life. 

Why It Fits: Dream would be the individual in the relationship who went to go chase after a fancy life, thus ruining the relationship. The "fancy life" in this case would be the power and control he sought over members of the server, which ultimately got him locked up. So I think it would be in George's POV, but that's basically why I thought the song would fit the two. 

Some Lyrics:

He told me, "Please, don't worry", wise little smile that spoke so safely 

Caught up in a rush, it's killing you

I miss him, don't you blame me? That boy went stone cold crazy, Caught up in camera lust, He's chasing that pappy pipe dream

I know you don't but I-I know you don't but I still try

Curled up in a grip when we were us, fingers in a fist like you might run, I settle for a ghost I never knew, super paradise I held on to, but I settle for a ghost

I know I should probably post my thoughts on Quackity's stream, but I started this a few days ago and only finished it today, so take it now.

[sweetyyhippyy]

Part of You. Spencer Reid x OC! Character. Chapter 13.

Chapter 13: Planning

Summary: Bridgett freaks out and panics when she waits on the results of a very important test. She forgets about it and Spencer finds it. Planning for their future ensues. 

TW: Mentions of pregnancy, language, slight mention of injury and blood, dirty talk, talk of breeding, fingering, orgasm denial (non intentional). 

Word Count: 2.9k

A.N.: Guess who almost forgot to post today? 😳 This is chapter 10 Spencer as well! Next chapter out on Saturday!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bridgett sits on the edge of her bathtub, picking at the hangnail on her thumb, her leg bouncing up and down quickly as she waits for the timer to go off. Bridgett was now officially almost 7 weeks late, and now she was starting to panic. Spencer and her hadn’t been extremely cautious the entirety of their relationship, even the night in Idaho they weren’t careful, but they were careful enough to not be worried about the outcome. She looks at the timer on her phone, how the hell had it only been 30 seconds?

How am I going to tell Spencer? How am I going to tell the team? Can I even still work if I’m pregnant? JJ worked. Just not in the field. Do I still even want to work after I have the baby? What am I going to name the baby? Is it going to look like me, or Spencer? What if I have twins? Nana Rosie is a twin. Twins run in the family. Am I going to let my family see the baby? Am I going to tell my family I’m having a baby? Why did you let him cum in you, you idiot?!

“Bridgett?” Spencer’s voice echoes through her apartment.

“I-uh-I’m in the bathroom. Hold on!” She yells back, grabbing the test and throwing it in one of the drawers in the sink.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck!

Bridgett flips the sink handle on quickly to drown out the sound of her panic.

Well you gave him the key! Of course he’s going to come over unannounced, you dummy.

“Okay, you’re fine. Relax. Just don’t mention the fact you might have his child growing inside you!” Bridgett whisper yells to herself in the mirror. She wets the rag hanging up on the wall and presses it against her face, taking deep breaths before drying her face and shutting the water off and heading out to see her boyfriend. Bridgett can hear him fiddling around in the kitchen, one of the pans falling to the floor loudly, Spencer cussing to himself. Bridgett laughs, making him turn around.

“Hi.” He smiles innocently, picking the pan up off the floor and putting it in her sink.

Bridgett smiles, leaning up to kiss him. “Hi my love. Whatcha doing?”

“Well, I wanted to make you dinner since tomorrow is a special day and we have work tomorrow. And these… are for you.” Spencer pulls a bouquet of flowers out from behind his back, trying to play it off as a magic trick but he really pulled them off the counter behind him. But Bridgett wasn’t going to let him know she knew his secret.

“Aww, thank you baby. They’re very pretty.” She gushes, kissing him twice. “Can you hand me the tall vase up there above your head?”

“I should tell you, one of the flowers is fake. I also have this card for you.” He says, pulling the card out of his satchel.

It was a homemade card, cut in the shape of a heart. She pouted her lip out exaggerated, making puppy dog eyes at him. It could have been the possible pregnancy hormones, or the fact that her boyfriend was the sweetest person on the face of this earth, but she could have cried right then.

“You gotta read it too.” Spencer says, beaming down at her.

Bridgett opens the card, a short message written on the inside.

“My love for you will last until the final flower dies. I will forever be grateful that I have you and have the pleasure of loving you. -Spencer”

Bridgett melts into his arms, nuzzling into his chest. “I love you so much, Spence.”

“I love you too.” He responds, pressing a kiss to her head. “I’m going to make a little surprise first for you in the kitchen, why don’t you go take a nap, because you need to not be anywhere in there.” Spencer says, gripping her shoulders and turning her around toward her room.

“Are you kicking me out of my own kitchen?” Bridgett laughs at Spencer herding her out of the room and into her room.

“Take a nap, and I’ll come join you in about an hour.”

“Okay.” She responds, kissing his lips lightly. “Just don’t burn my kitchen down.”

Spencer rolls his eyes teasingly and shuts the door behind him. Bridgett kicks her shorts off and climbs into bed, snuggling underneath her sheets.

***

“Bridge?... Bridge?... Bridgy?” Spencer calls her name, softly shaking her shoulder. Bridgett finally jumps awake, her eyes wide as she looks at Spencer. Once she registers that it was Spencer she lays her head back down on the pillow.

“Hmm?”

“Do you uh… have band aids? I had an incident.”

Bridgett lifts her head to look at where his wound was but Spencer hid his hands behind his back where she couldn’t see.

“In my bathroom. First drawer on your left. Are you bleeding to death?”

“No! I’m…” Spencer stops mid sentence, his voice tapering off.

Bridgett waits for him to finish his thought but the room falls silent again.

“Spence?” Bridgett calls out, lifting her head again. The door to her bedroom was still open but she could see the light to her bathroom reflecting under the door. “Spence? Did you find them?” She asks again, kicking the sheets off and crawling out of bed . Bridgett pushes the door open and sees Spencer still standing in her bathroom, his back turned away from her.

“Spence? Are you okay? Did you hurt yourself that bad?”

Spencer turns around, the blue and white stick in his hand.

Shit.

“Shit.” Bridgett sighs, gnawing at her bottom lip.

“Are you… are you pregnant?” Spencer asks, looking back at the test.

“I don’t know… I took the test and was waiting and then I heard you come in so I threw it in the drawer and forgot about it.”

“Do you think you are?”

Bridgett shrugs her shoulders, “I’m late. I didn’t get my period last month and I was supposed to get it a week and a half ago and it never came so I just wanted to see. It could be a lot of reasons why I’m late but me being pregnant could be a big reason. We’ve never been careful, and I’ve been lax on my birth control.”

“Why didn’t you tell me you’re late sooner? Tell me you were going to take a test?”

“Because why worry you unless it’s real? I don’t think having a baby is something both of us really want… at least not right now. Right?”

“I always figured if you got pregnant, then it just happened and you would decide what you wanted to do from there, if not then we would just wait until we were ready.”

“Are the results still on there?” Bridgett asks, walking up to Spencer. He shows her the test, the screen reading.

Inconclusive

“Damn it. I’m going to have to take another one.”

“Do you want me to run to the store and get you another test?” Spencer questions, throwing the stick in the trash.

“No, the box comes with two. I didn’t take the other one. I can actually do it now.” Bridgett says, grabbing the extra test and opening the wrapper around it. Spencer stayed in place, watching her.

“Spence… I would rather you not watch me please.”

“Right, sorry.” He awkwardly replies, exiting the room.

Spencer paces around the living room waiting for Bridgett to be done. His head was swimming with “What if’s”. And maybe he was a little excited to possibly be a dad, it might not have been when he wanted, but he’s always heard people say “You’re never fully ready to be a parent.” And maybe they weren’t ready but they would figure it out together.

“Okay we have to wait 3 minutes.” Bridgett says, walking into the living room to see Spencer still pacing. “You’re nervous.”

“Ye-yeah a little bit. Aren’t you?”

Bridgett sits on the couch crisscross, patting the spot next to her. Spencer joins her on the couch, putting his hands on top of hers that were shaking a little bit.

“Yeah of course I am. This definitely wasn’t in our plans but if I’m pregnant… then we’re going to be parents.” She laughs a little bit. “And I’m kind of excited to possibly raise a baby with you.”

“Yeah, I am too.” Spencer says, kissing the back of her hand. “And I hope they look like you.”

Maybe being possibly pregnant wasn’t absolutely horrible. Sure Spencer was scared, but he was taking it a lot easier than Bridgett thought he was. There was no doubt that Spencer was going to be the world’s best dad, especially since his own father wasn’t there.

“Since when has 3 minutes felt like 3 hours?” Spencer complains.

“This is my second time waiting, trust me I know the feeling.”

The pair sat together trying to find anything to talk about to distract them from how slow time was actually moving. But everything that they talked about somehow led back to Bridgett potentially being pregnant.

Finally the timer that Bridgett had set went off, both Spencer and Bridgett getting up from the couch together and walking to the bathroom. Bridgett walks in by herself, picking up the plastic stick and looking at the digital screen. Bridgett bit her bottom lip to avoid making the face she wanted to make.

Disappointed.

Bridgett looks over at Spencer, handing him the test with a sad look on her face.

“No?” Spencer questions, taking it from her and looking for himself.

“No. I guess my body is stressed out and that’s why I’m late. But I’m not pregnant.” She responds, a hint of disappointment in her tone.

Spencer kisses her shoulder, trying to make her feel better.

“I’m sorry, baby. I know it was a scary thought at first, but then once we started talking about it, the thought of having a baby with you sounded perfect.”

“Maybe we should talk some more about it.” Bridgett says matter of factly.

“Yeah? You want to start a family?”  Spencer asks, trying to suppress a smile from creeping across his face.

“Come lay down with me in bed and we can talk about it.”

Both of them walk out into her bedroom, Spencer crawling in first and Bridgett laying right on top of him, laying her head on his chest and Spencer’s fingers playing with her hair instantly.

“So, you’re serious about wanting a baby with me?” Spencer asks after a few seconds of silence.

“Yeah, if I wasn’t serious I wouldn’t continue having unprotected sex with you. We’ve been together for 5 years, you know minus me leaving for a year and then you know you were involved with someone else when I came back. You’ve been a part of my life for 8 years and I would like to think it’s time to maybe be a ‘conventional’ couple and have a baby… or two.”

“Or two? Let’s get past the first one and then we’ll talk about a second one.”

“Maybe we should try for… hmmm 6.” Bridgett jokes, turning onto her belly to see her boyfriend's reaction.

Spencer gives off a fake laugh, rolling his head against the pillow under him. “I don’t think so. We can talk about having…” Spencer pauses, thinking before he answers. “Three. Maybe 4. 4 might take some convincing.”’

“I think both you and I know I can be very good at convincing.” Bridgett says with a playful smile on her face. She sits up on her knees, pulling Spencer up to sit up against her headboard, he licks his lips as Bridgett climbs in his lap, smirking at him as she settles into him, rubbing his face.

“You think you have me wrapped around your finger don’t you, pretty girl?”

“Ask the team, they’ll confirm you are. It’s not a bad thing. I like that you’d do anything to make me happy. Because I’d do the same.”

Spencer kisses her lips softly, careful not to make any sudden moves that would lead to the multiple rounds of sex they were going to have anyways.

“You do a lot to make me happy, Bridgy. You didn’t complain about going to the Edgar Allen Poe puppet theater with me even though I know you didn’t want to go. Or any of the lectures you’ve gone with me to. All the Doctor Who episodes you’ve sat through.”

“I want to make your nerdy brain happy.” Bridgett smiles, kissing him again, wrapping her arms around his neck and moaning into his mouth. She quickly pulls back from the kiss.

“You know I mean ‘nerdy’ in the most loving way possible, right?”

Spencer laughs, squeezing her cheeks in his hands, making her look like a little chipmunk. “Yes I know.”

Bridgett nods her head, going back in for a kiss. It wasn’t long before both of them were shirtless and needy for each other, Spencer nipping at the skin on her exposed chest when Bridgett pulls back from the kiss for air, which makes her whine.

“Are you trying to make a baby tonight?” Bridgett jokes, feeling Spencer’s soft touch on her shoulder blade while he sucks the light tan skin of her collarbone. Bridgett gasps, feeling him lick the bruise he was making.

“Why not? We could try for a Halloween baby.” He whispers in her ear. “We both love Halloween.” Spencer’s fingers slipping underneath her underwear and diving right into her soaking wet middle.

Bridgett’s head falls back a sigh of relief echoing in the room, feeling his fingers slip inside her. “Sounds like a plan.” She responds, drowning everything else going on in her mind out and focusing on the pleasure her boyfriend was giving her.

“Lay down right here in between my legs.” Spencer says, assisting Bridgett down onto her back. She rests her legs on both sides of Spencer’s upper thighs, open to him, but a fabric barrier standing between what Spencer was craving. He pulls the waistband down her hips, Bridgett lifting her butt up to get them all the way off.

“So pretty.” Spencer says low, massaging both sides of her inner thighs. Bridgett watches Spencer’s face as he studies her body;  every curve she has, the stretch marks she was still insecure about, the cute moles scattered throughout her stomach. He gives his middle and ring finger a coating of spit then slides his fingers back inside her. Spencer loved being able to see her full body reaction to his touch. She massaged her nipples as he played with the wetness, moaning softly.

“I love you, Spence.”

Spencer looks over at her angelic face, her brown eyes were half open but were focused on him.

“I love you too. Just think, in a few months we’re going to have proof of our love. You want me to put a baby in you?”

Bridgett didn’t know what it was, but hearing Spencer ask if he wanted her to put a baby in her made her clench around his fingers. It turned her on to hear him want to take their relationship to the next level.

“Yes. I want you to put a baby in me, Spence. I want to have your baby.”

His fingers continued to thrust in and out of her dripping core, trying to quickly coax an orgasm out of her before fucking her. Bridgett stared at him, the best she could, as he fingered her. She almost wanted to take a picture of the way his mouth was parted, his tongue licking his lips every so often which made his lips look so plump and kissable. Spencer could tell when she was close every single time by the way her body tensed, and her walls got more slick, and this time was no different.

“Oh shit.” He cusses, pulling his fingers out of her quickly, making Bridgett whine loudly and desperately. Spencer awkwardly gets out of bed and runs out of the room.

Bridgett rolls onto her stomach, laying flat against her mattress, annoyed that she was denied her orgasm seconds before overcoming her.  A few minutes pass and Spencer comes back in quietly, laying his head against the small of her back, kissing her bare skin.

“I’m mad at you.” She mumbles, her face still buried in the mattress. “I was so close.”

“I know, I’m sorry. I was so distracted that I forgot about the cake I was making you in the oven… it’s kinda good I remembered because I didn’t burn it.”

“I would have rather you let me cum.” She mutters, still not looking at Spencer.

Spencer snorts, wrapping his arms around her body, placing kisses on her back. “Can I at least show it to you before you stay mad at me?”

Bridgett turns her head to look at her boyfriend, narrowing her eyes at him before turning back over and getting out of bed, throwing her T-shirt back on and slipping her underwear back on. Spencer looks at her, proud of his work. Bridgett looks at the cake pan that was in the shape of a heart, the closer she looks at the cake she noticed it was a giant cookie.

“Awww you made me a cookie cake?”

“Yeah, I know you’re not a huge fan of birthday cake and you like cookies better so I made this.” Spencer looked like a toddler who was showing off their drawing they made.

Bridgett grabs Spencer’s cheek and kisses him sweetly. “I love you, so, so much. Why are you so perfect?”

Spencer kisses her forehead twice, “I love you too. I still have some stuff to do to finish it, but I need to finish something else first.” He says, pulling her arm to bring her closer.

“And what would that be?”

“I think you know.  Baby time.”

[gb-patch]

Ask Answers: January 5th, 2021

How exactly can we get the option to gift cove a bracelet at the start of step 3? I really only get that option with having a ponytail-black shirt-black pants-no accessories cove but i dont know the specific requirements for the option to show up

Cove’s gotta wear a bracelet in Step 2. If he doesn’t it means him liking bracelets isn’t a very long-standing trait and so the MC wouldn’t think to get him one as a gift.

I am very sorry if this was asked before but I have noticed "Our Life: Beginnings and Always" and "Our Like: Now and Forever." Did I miss something? Is "N&F" going to be a sequel or DLC? Are we going to see a geriatric Cove? (haha) Thank you in advance for the reply. ^_^ 

Our Life: Now & Forever is a new game in the franchise, but it’s not a sequel. It’ll have a new cast, new story, and new setting. It will still have all the best features of the original game and be about creating your own character/growing up from childhood!

Is there a specific reason why Cove gets so flustered and has to jump out if bed and walk it off when they share a bed in step 3? It seems a bit over the top for something they've already done twice! Once with the late night visit when Cove finds out his mom is coming and once in the RV.

Is just because they are older and the implications are different, even though the crush was already there in the RV/latenight visit scenes? Or did I miss something that made Cove more reluctant or more apprehensive towards sharing a bed/touching?

Sharing a bed with the person he likes/love is different for him at eighteen than it is at thirteen. Some things get easier when you grow up, like he’s more comfortable sharing food, but some things get harder/more complicated to him. Sharing a bed is one of those for Cove. It feels a lot more intimate and meaningful as time goes on, rather than less of a big deal.

Hello! First, I wanted to thank you and congratulate you for this amazing game. I enjoyed every single second! In a year full of stress, this was a little cozy light. Do you have any plans to make it available for other languages? Thank you again 💕 

Thank you! I’m afraid the game is still in pretty active development so we can’t consider translating the script in it’s semi-incomplete form. And we’re not a big enough company that we can promise translations will definitely come when the game is done, unfortunately. We can see what things are like when all the words are truly set, though.

Did Cove's name come from that Cove restaurant on Holden beach? Whenever I search up his name I always get those results haha 

No, haha. His first name was based on his character and the game’s theme, his last name is a reference to something of a personal joke.

Will the NSFW DLC have CGs too?

Yep!

So, to start off, I need to thank you guys, from the bottom of my heart, for creating Cove Holden. I want every single one of my MCs to be able to get engaged and married to that precious angel, so I was wondering how transitioning into step 4 using save files will work? Will I be able to load up a save file saved right before the end credits after step 3, or will I need to load one from before the transition section after step 3? I’m sorry if this has already been answered somewhere, but if it has, I haven’t been able to find it. Thank you!!!!!! 

Thank you very much c:. You’ll be able to load any save file, unless it was taken as the credits were actually rolling, and the Step 4 epilogue will simply start going once you’ve played through whatever was left of the main game and seen the credits. There are rare cases where a save file breaks between updates, but generally continuing where you left off should work for people.

Hi! I absolutely adore our life, and I was wondering is there a way to have Shiloh remember the MC and Lizzie in step 3?

I’m glad you like it! Sadly, no matter what you do Shiloh will act the same in that scene.

Hi! I'm the Australian that asked about ever including an Aussie VA, do you have any future plans for Our Life 2 or any other games to include an Aussie character and VA? 

Right now we don’t have any guaranteed future Aussie roles. But we don’t have fully developed character lists for our upcoming games yet, so that may still change.

Will OL2 also follow the tradition of "Blonde Adult That We Cannot Date"? 👀

Haha, maybe. There isn’t one right now, however we still have a lot of side characters to plan.

Hey, are the houses in the game furnished based on items in the Sims 4? I’ve noticed some similarities, but I’m not sure if it’s just a coincidence. (If it is, that’d make me building it in TS4 MUCH easier...)

For me, I use real world pictures as references as well as text notes. I loved Sims 2 when I was young but haven’t gotten into a new Sims game since. I don’t believe the artist checks Sims 4 when creating their work, though it’s not impossible. Maybe they do.

is it possible to still get your name in the voiced dlc [I'm not sure how you would do it, is it from patreon ??] or is it too late ?? 

Currently there’s no way to get your name voiced. But we are looking into opening up a method for that one more time later this year. You can keep an eye out for that!

Will we be able to ask Derek out to the dance if we get his DLC? Not a Derek fan but I'm planning to surprise my friend with this 

Yeah. Taking Derek to the dance is part of his DLC.

Hi! I have a question I've been curious about, if you're comfortable with answering! If Cove and the MC remain just friends into Step 4/MC dates one of the other guys, will Cove canonically be in a relationship with/interested in somebody else at that point or shortly after? Thank you!

He won’t. There’s not really anyone in his school, and certainly not the neighborhood he grows up in, that he’d be into other than the MC. As a pretty newly independent adult he hasn’t had enough time to truly find a special someone in Step 4. It takes a while for him to make that kind of move, haha. It’s totally fine to headcanon that sometime after Step 4 he finds love with someone else, but it won’t happen in-game.

i just wanted to share this cute little playlist that i made about cove! https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5wM7GNiJh5eRqhvLBperfQ?si=4FocdBsNTpeF053yOwaLSA

Cool! Thanks for sharing it with us.

No, no, no create longer ask answers please. 😌

The ask answers are not too long. If anything I'm greedy and wish they were longer... I'm already subbed to your guys patreon and I still can't get enough 👀 I'm in love with you guys 

Will you post more of those long form ask posts? I love them 🥰

Haha, thank you for these messages. I’m glad you’re enjoying the content.

——————————————————————

Thank you very much for all the questions! Also, if you prefer to just see the main posts without all the asks/reblogs, feel free to follow our side account instead: GB Patch Updates Blog

[fyrsteskagr]

stop excusing essek’s actions just because he’s a nice hot nerdy drow wizard

ok so I’m probably gonna get some fire for it (or maybe not, considering that I have virtually no followers and I doubt this post will get noticed at all and that’s fine, I just gotta get that rant out of my head because otherwise it will stay there and start to rot and I have enough of brain muck as it is)

thankfully I’m not on twitter so I avoid a lot of (often kinda fucking dumb, ngl) discourse but even I wasn’t immune to the general discontent a big part of the critrole community seemed to have been feeling towards the way m9 was treating essek lately

and in light of the upcoming stream and last week’s events I thought I might as well throw in my two cents

I’ve seen a lot of people getting borderline scandalized with m9′s “do we want trent or do we want essek” consideration. and it reminded me about the double standards some people in the cr community often show. first of all, how dare the mighty nine not trust my poor hot wizard bean and almost put him on the same level as trent ickythong. well, first of all, from the roleplay standpoint: it’s been like. how long. three weeks? a month? in game since they found out about what essek did. we all had like a year to process this shit and the m9 only had a few weeks that were also pretty fucking stressful and did not leave a lot of time for rumination. and we, as viewers, get a lot of extra info from the cast itself, from multiple official sources that are not the show itself. yeah y’all, we know a lot more about essek than m9 does, I think it makes perfect sense that they don’t trust him and give him a cold treatment a lot of the time??

and like. he fucking deserves it. he deserves punishment. he’s a fucking war criminal and is responsible for sacrificing many people’s lives just for his personal gain and the fact that he acts all nice and timid and is also a hot drow wizard doesn’t fucking excuse him. the whole trent or essek discussion? yeah it makes fucking sense because essek and trent are a lot more similar than a significant part of the fandom would like to admit, I feel like. the hunger for power and knowledge? check. extreme egoism? check. destroying others’ lives for personal benefit? check. the false public persona? check. going behind own nation’s back? check. why the fuck would m9 feel any better about essek in this particular situation than they do about trent ESPECIALLY SINCE IT’S BEEN LIKE THREE WEEKS SINCE THEY FOUND OUT ABOUT THE SHIT HE’S DONE?

and as for the double standards. it’s been brought up in the community multiple times (still not enough, I think), but the show’s fans are a lot quicker to forgive the not-so-good plays of the male side of the cast than they are to the female side of the cast, and I’m saying this as a dude. I’ve been a part of this community for a long time and the shit marisha used to get for playing keyleth the way she did and the shit she currently gets for playing beau the way she does does not compare in the SLIGHTEST to the shit (or oftentimes lack thereof) any male member of the cast gets, and I dunno about y’all but I think I’ve had a lot more issues with some role-playing stuff on liam’s or sam’s part.

but going further, into the fictional part of all of it. it seems to me it’s often enough to be a 1) hot 2) preferably male character to have some shit forgiven and forgotten by the community pretty quickly. essek is a perfect example of it. a thought experiment: how would you feel about essek if he was a partially bald old human fart with liver spots and wrinkles? how would you feel about trent if he was a hot drow guy with showy outfits and a white fashion pompadour? if you’d feel about them even slightly different then SOUND THE ALARMS BECAUSE THIS IS NOT FUCKING GOOD (also: remember the heat veth got when she considered making the war worse for her own personal benefit? HOW IS THE ESSEK SITUATION ANY FUCKING DIFFERENT??)

and yes. a lot comes down to the way matt plays them and the fact that one of the player characters has a backstory with trent being a big and ugly part of it. but just like trent has a certain public facade, essek has one too. most of us came to really like him for his personality but I think we often kindly disregard the fact that at least a part of it was just a practised act and not him being genuine. we’re quick to forget the shit he did because he’s lonely!! he’s awkward and nerdy!! we want him to kiss the dirt wizard!! he had dinner with the m9!!! or we jokingly throw the phrase “war criminal” around and it just doesn’t sit well with me. the anger some people feel and show when the m9 dares to doubt him doesn’t sit well with me. and people can argue for essek and for his motives, yeah. but people can also argue for trent and his motives. those two are not so fucking different. and don’t get my wrong, I despise ickythong’s ugly ass as much as anyone, and I’m not putting him on level with essek - ikithon is a fucking abuser. but I’m also - surprise - not straight not immune to the “hot nerdy drow wizard very much morally awful but also kinda cute” spiel. but I try not to forget that a pretty face and floating an inch above the ground isn’t enough to excuse some actions.

ok that’s all I guess, anyone who even noticed this post and also got to the end of it - thanks and have fun during today’s stream!!

also a small disclaimer: english is not my first language and I can barely construct sentences in my mother tongue so pardon me for any dumb mistakes

(and a big thank you to my dude @tymiantime who took the brunt of my rambling and patiently listened to my all over the place stupid ass essek vs trent rant)

[perhapsthanatos]

10:32 pm with yuta ♡

nct’s yuta x fem!reader (got inspired by a dream of mine & found the idea really cute)

alternate title: be the james dean to my audrey hepburn

genre: fluff. a pinch of angst. non idol au. badboy!yuta au.

word count: 1400~

playlist: chinatown by wild nothing, lover’s rock by tv girl & work this time by king gizzard and the lizard wizard.

warnings: featuring johnny (not a warning though). smoking cigarettes. cursing. lowercase intended. not proofread.

a/n: hi i was supposed to post a vampire!haechan fic but i really wasnt happy w it in general :( the plot or overall idea of the fic was really good, but i just felt as if i didnt do it justice so here we are :( but ngl, i kind of like this concept more? maybe bc i can see it more vividly? idk, i feel like my writings r getting repetitive & its getting on my nerves lmaoo this is getting long im sorry do u guys even read this part anyway? i would also like to apologize abt the amount of projecting im doing lmao ive been having some rough days & i love my sister but hate being compared to her so often so this is a way for me to rant abt it ig? also so sorry its coming out a little later bc i woke up late today (& procrastinated for the rest of it so here i am posting really late at night) & decided to go to the convenience store to get ice cream (& a ton of other bad shit pls dont do this its rlly unhealthy) for breakfast bc i can :) any who, enjoy lovelies <3

“oh my, y/n! you’ve grown up so well! just like your sister!”

“oh! i’m sorry i’ve almost mistaken you for your sister! y/n is your name, correct?”

“y/n, darling, you are looking so dashing! you really do resemble your sister, don’t you?”

“ah, you must be y/n! i’ve heard all about you and your sister from your father!”

you swear that your reddening cheeks are threatening to fall off any moment now from all the fake smiling. the hundreds of superficial compliments, the insincere flattery and the need for these people to constantly compare you to your godforsaken sister makes you feel even weaker than you are. it gets harder and harder to keep up with a big persona that isn’t at all you. as lucky as you are to live such a lavish lifestyle, you can’t help but hate how your family has to be so perfect. you hate how you have never fit in with them, even if you are so good at faking it. you hate how you have always been stuck in your sister’s shadow, constantly haunted with the reminder that you yourself aren’t good enough. you hate how you now have to entertain the rich and brainless guests at your parent’s gala because she’s gone for some stupid prodigy competition and everyone is only talking about her in front of your face. so what if she’s better the better sister? you still have the right to earn respect, right?

you’re exhausted from all the small talk. your facade gets more brittle by the second under all the pressure. your body feels as if it's gonna give out due to your brain shutting down after all that interacting. you try to keep on going with the night as it unravels itself by being the perfectly poised poster child, trying to make your parents proud. but alive yet almost completely devoid, you decide enough was enough. what if you left right now? no one would notice, would they?

after pulling up your phone discreetly to send a few text messages, you pass through lots of people dressed in gold and finery in a way that wouldn’t have you noticed right away. keep your head down and don’t you dare make eye contact with anyone. nearing the end of the room, grabbing the first glass of whatever alcohol you see and downing it in one gulp, you start walking away as quickly as possible from the ballroom. “ignorant privileged fucks,” you angrily whisper to no one in particular, setting the now empty glass on whatever surface and begin to head to the main exit where no one could spot you running away.

“and what do you think you’re doing here, miss?”

a voice interrupts you, looking up you see that it is your father’s head butler; johnny. he is dressed in a simple black suit that makes him appear taller than he is. his long brown hair is slicked back and his bowtie seems brand new. you have known the man since he started working in your household less than ten years back. you were a reckless child, often trying to find ways to sneak out, finding a way to escape from this life and he sympathized with you. after all, he could barely imagine living your life, never catching a break for yourself and always pretending to be someone you weren’t. he often helped planning when you would sneak out into the night, scheduling things like what time you should leave and what time you should be back, more specifically a time when no one would notice. he would take care of your form of transportation and have your location on at all times, just to be extra safe. as much as he wants you to have fun and have a bit of freedom, he still worries that something might happen to you. because of all this, you two have grown to have a very strong bond. you could confidently say that he is most definitely a parental figure in your life since your parents (and even your sister) are often overseas for work.

“what do you think i’m doing? you think i wanna be in a room with those half-baked bipeds? fuck no!”

“i know, i was just joking. you looked like you were about to explode in there, i wish i could help.” he laughs, pulling out his phone preparing what you might need. “so what will it be for today? the driver? we just need to pay him to keep his mouth shut. a taxi? it’s cheaper than paying the driver, but you still need to pay… not like that’s a problem for you though. maybe an uber would be good enough—“

“actually, i got myself covered. thanks.”

his jaw slightly drops and his eyebrows furrow. he looks straight at you in shock. “what do you mean you got yourself covered?”

you look down at your feet, a nervous habit. “i got myself a ride, you don’t need to help me. i’ll be back as soon as dawn comes.”

he raises his eyebrow. “who’s your ride?”

“doesn’t matter,” you glance down at your phone seeing a notification and wave a goodbye, leaving rather suddenly. “i gotta go, i’ll text you when you need to open the gates!”

“y/n! wait! who’s your ride— and she’s gone.” johnny sighs, watching as you run towards the front gates, tossing your stiletto heels away on the grass while you’re at it. he heads back inside, silently hoping you’ll be fine.

knocking the window of the old black mustang parked outside behind the big bushes, the driver rolls down his window and sends the most charming smile.

yuta in his black beanie, long blonde hair, worn out doc martens, signature leather jacket and black skinny jeans. it almost makes you laugh on how he wears the same thing almost everyday but still manages to look so good.

he is most notable for having a big bad boy reputation and you knew that he was the breath of fresh air you needed in your life. a person who can understand having the pressure of having to be or to fulfill your persona. a person you can completely be yourself around. a person who is full of warmth no matter how cold he may seem on the outside.

“get in, princess.”

and that was all you needed. you tiredly walked to the other door and sat yourself in the car. rolling his window back up, he looks at you. you are wearing a simple yet stunning black dress along with silver jewelry adorned on your neck and wrists. your makeup is perfectly done but still struggles to hide the fog in your eyes. he has the sudden urge to clear them away. he softens at the sight of you. no one is perfect, but he finds you being perfect enough without ever having to dress up.

“where to?” he asks as gently as he could. he knows that you are most vulnerable during these moments and that it is hard to finally break down your walls after a day full of stress, so he doesn’t pry immediately. all he wants to do is to keep you here, safe and away from your burdens and for you to stay comfortable with him, even if it couldn't be for long. but is that too selfish of him to ask? he hates how you hate your life and it is taking every bone in his body to not run away with you. but who is he to tell you what to do or what to change anyway? all he can do for now is try to find a way to make you genuinely smile.

“take me anywhere,” you whisper to the latter. “i just want to be as far from myself and my life as possible. miles away or the nearest convenience store, just take the long way home before dawn.”

you look down at the cup holders, spotting an open cigarette box. you tug one out of the nineteen and light it with the lighter you kept in your pocket. you lean back and close your eyes. he only admires as you bring the cigarette to your lips, exhaling a cloud of smoke afterwards. letting the radio play quietly, he starts the car and begins to drive away from the mansion. he can’t help but wonder how you (an elegant daughter) and him (a bad boy) are millions of worlds apart, but more similar than you think.

© perhapsthanatos (efa)