#I’m very proud of them btw I’m just very hard on myself

[transsexual-dandelions]

How to not tie your self worth to your grades

[codgod]

y’know generally i try to limit colour palettes to as few colours as possible to make things more cohesive but despite my best efforts only jay ended up being able to stick to that </3

ANYWAYS here’s the as-of-right-now fully updated designs for these dickheads. these will no doubt undergo even more tweaking as i draw them more but this is a start i guess. also pls open the pictures to look at them properly i worked so hard LOL

some random notes under the cut yaaaay

chip —

he jingles when he walks. somehow he’s still stealthy. i do not know how

kept the platinum ring that bonded him to gillion in the block! because hey he doesn’t really have a reason to take it off (and it’s a nice reminder of how much gill cares about him, and how far their friendship has come since that ice arena)

his tattoos shift and flicker like actual flames, and sometimes (harmless, purely aesthetic) sparks fly off them when he’s excited

i just think smoke coming out of his mouth when he’s angry would be cool :]

chipped teeth from biting rocks and coins all the time :/

he has scars from the red lightning, they’re just mostly contained to his back and shoulders. they’re a similar red to his coat even once they’ve healed

gillion —

the tail sleeve thing is so he can rest it on the ground without damaging his scales, he doesn’t usually wear it when he’s just on the ship because the wood is soft enough that it’s usually fine + it can hinder swimming a bit. it’s mostly meant for places where there’s cobblestone or gravel streets and such. i think his armour would probably have a version that looks similar but covers the whole tail minus the fins, maybe with some armour plating of its own. i didn’t draw it because there wasn’t any room lol

his scars from the lightning are pink mostly because red stood out too much tbh. they softly glow in the dark the same as his coral and the pink parts of his fins

also kept his ring! his hands aren’t really made for jewellery, though, because the webbing means it won’t sit very secure on his finger. so he keeps it on the same chain as the necklace he got from aslana to keep it safe

tried to make him look a bit bulkier and more his age than in my original design? i feel like i was leaning too much into the naivety and. shortness. originally lol. he also has thicker eyebrows now and i’m still trying to decide how i feel about them but i think? i like it? i don’t tend to give many character thin eyebrows so it could’ve been a unique thing for him but alas

i think i made the sword too small but like ignore that

also forgor to include pretzel </3 that’s okay though she can get her own design sheet later. she’s special like that

jay —

i believe in tall jay supremacy

blue magic! i was considering gold but that’d look a bit more like a canary than i wanted for her wings so. blue jay :]

her hair is supposed to look kinda like fire to mimic her dad ! kinda showing that even if she runs from her family and the navy they’ll always be a part of her. and also i just like drawing messy hair

i gave her sturdier gloves just because i feel like it fits her better. also changed up the shirt to more of a button up solely because i don’t like tank tops very much LOL

i did WANT to make her outfit a bit flashier to match the boys better but i couldn’t quite figure out where to Put the flash. maybe that’ll come later, the way the story’s going i might get to design some cool prosthetics for her or something

overall —

because there’s just so many fucking colours i triiied to add at least one or two colours from each of them into the others designs. jay has her necklace with each of their main colours on it, her wings are the same blue as gillions eyes, her jacket and right eye are the same dark blue as destiny’s blade, her hair is the same orange as the lighter part of chips tattoos. chip has a dark green sash under all the belts, the same as the hilt of destiny’s blade. they all use the same shades of black, gold, and brown

the only real exception is gillion doesn’t have anything from the other two because he has Such a specific colour palette and he already had so much going on as-is orz jay was obviously the easiest to do this with because she has both warm and cool colours in her palette by default lol (and i did her design last, so that helps)

[rinazurine]

I’m proud of myself for having this idea and finishing it in the same day (that hasn’t happened in months)

So since Phineas said that he’s known he’s liked Isabella since the start of high school, I REALLY hope that there’s an episode in s5 where Phineas tries to flirt with Isabella, but since she doesn’t want to believe what’s happening in front of her, she just pulls the “love y’a too buddy” card like 500 times.

(This scene from Abott Elementary, I feel like a similar thing went down for them)

I kinda just image she friendzoned him REAL HARD for 4 years cause she thought he was being oblivious to his wording (like I do)

Funny story:

There was this person that I liked talking to cause they had a very animated voice but one day, I wasn’t a part of the conversation but still staring and when we made eye contact, I just said “Uhh, I just really like your voice.” And they said “Are you flirting with me?” They were joking but it took me two days to confirm to them “No that wasn’t me flirting.”

I like Isabella’s candy cone sweater 📐📐

(They’re in a high school budget haunted house btw)

[redclercs]

DELICATE✰ CHARLES LECLERC.

INTRO: who's y/n anyway? ew.

— the one where everyone tells you who are.

warnings: ignore the timestamps please, online harassment.

masterlist ✢ next

Soft jazz is playing in the living room of y/n y/ln's apartment in SoHo, with all the curtains pulled back the golden hour feels like a golden infinity. We're already in our second cup of coffee, a specialty brought from Veracruz, Mexico by y/n herself.

This is not our first meeting, y/n and I go back a few years, when the box-office hit 'Supercut' sent her straight into stardom and earned her a place in the public's heart. Since then, there has been no other way but up for the young star.

From humble beginnings and a list of failed castings, roles as an extra and endless photoshoots with stock images, y/n knows what it's like to work hard to achieve what you want.

"Sometimes, when I look back at my struggles I wonder what made the universe align in my favor. Hard work only gets you so far, I am incredibly lucky too." She says, eyeing the framed picture of the wrap-up day of her very first movie 'Loneliness', where she played the daughter of a struggling waitress.

"I was in about six scenes, but I couldn't have been more thrilled. It was the first time I felt like a real actress."

Of course, there are other aspects of her life where y/n is extremely fortunate. It has been two years since she started dating Asian-American hearthrob Aidan Kim. Looks like 'Supercut' really was her luckiest strike.

"We do like to keep some things to ourselves," y/n laughs after I ask her for an update on her relationship, I want to know the details behind the lovestagrams we get on a regular basis. "We love and respect each other deeply."

Night has fallen in SoHo and while y/n shuts the curtains, I take my surroundings in once again. A loveseat with a stain on the cushion, a coffee table that Aidan brought from a trip to Nepal where he filmed his newest project, framed pictures of the couple and their families crowd the room. This is the home they have built for themselves.

Some may argue that y/n's specialty are romantic comedies where she gets to play the doe-eyed love interest to the dark and handsome male protagonist, but y/n has her sights set on bigger things. An Oscar nomination, maybe?

"I have fun with the movies I make, but I do want to expand my horizons. I have so many ideas I want to try, I just need a shot to prove myself." She beams with hope, in an ideal world, type-casting wouldn't be a thing.

Speaking of tall, dark and handsome, just as we're about to wrap things up, the door to the apartment opens and Aidan Kim himself comes through bearing a bouquet of roses and bag of take out. A sheepish grin bursts through his face as he realizes the interruption, and does his best attempt to disappear, not before giving a proud thumbs up to his girlfriend. This peek into their private life is enough to see how much they love each other.

"Thank you so much for coming," y/n has been an excellent host this evening, and I am happy to leave her to attend to her love nest. "It was a pleasure."

TWITTER SEARCH: y/n

Y/N’s SOCIALS

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ynstars pretty! hope you had fun babes

effmeaidan you’re only famous thanks to aid

cestbren please tell me you’re really going to be on euphoria

dropbeastsss she’s so fake idk why people like her

dropbeastsss I’m not even aidan’s fan btw

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softforyn mY PARENTS

aid4nshoe you followed him to Paris? God let him breathe

loladell my friend saw her today and she refused to take a pic lmao💀

ynflowers can’t wait for you two to get married🥺

↺ FROM ❛FLIXFANS ❜PODCAST MARCH 2022

Chelsea Gonzalez: I just- I feel like y/n is so lazy at this point. Girl you have been doing romcoms for years read a different script.

Gabriel Irwin: [laughs] I don’t think she even reads them anymore. It’s the same role every time that’s just the way she acts on a normal basis now.

Brianna Martin: that’s so mean! Honestly I just feel like she needs to switch agents, there were rumors about that marvel movie and then nothing happened?

↺ FROM YOUTUBE INTERVIEW WITH Y/N IN ❛ONLYFLIX❜ CHANNEL SEPTEMBER 2022

Y/n: I just love being on set, I have so much fun getting to be somebody else and it really feels like I’m in another world.

Ryan Campbell: But your movies aren’t too distanced from your real life situation are they? You have your own movie-like love story with none other than Aidan Kim!

y/n: Oh, uh… yeah I mean, one is fiction and another one isn’t? [laughs] real life relationships are definitely not like the movies.

Ryan Campbell: But how does it feel knowing everyone wishes they were you? I know I do!

y/n: [laughs] I really think we should go back to the movie talk!

↺ FROM ❛IT TALK❜ PODCAST NOVEMBER 2022

Riley Green: [cont.] I mean I loved her look on the red carpet, her stylist LOVES her.

Martha Vincent: y/n is a gorgeous woman, I think that’s why she’s so loved by the public.

Greg Zane: She’s certainly a rising It girl, I just wish we saw her more rather than her fiancé? Boyfriend?

Riley Green: Oh take that back Greg, I’m not about to get cancelled for your shade towards Aidan Kim.

─── team principal radio: ❝ this is my first fic for a f1 driver! exciting! i hope you enjoy this series as much as i'm enjoying creating it. i would love to know your thoughts through comments/reblogs!♡❞

[honeydewandcake]

Wha- you read all of them!? I feel so touched😭

I...have a question, if it's okay. You can always decline, btw! Can I like...just dump my ideas here? I saw other people giving headcanons, art and OCs and stuff and...I'd like to share things with someone. It's honestly really hard to keep stuff I'm actually proud of for once to myself.

You don't have to say yes! Just...wanted to ask.

-A

Oh, I would love to hear your ideas!!! I’m very open minded and I love hearing what others have to say!!

[virgoitgirl-blog]

How i managed to cut out sugar for four months now, as someone who has a sweet tooth:

disclaimers:

- im not an expert, this is what worked for me, helped me control my cravings. so it might not work for everyone.

- to be fair and honest, I would (some)times let myself have a taste of something that contained sugar but it didn’t happen often.

- I’m talking about (added) sugars.

- I consume fruits, honey, dates, natural sweeteners in general, artificially sweetened foods and drinks.

so let me start from the beginning, it was very hard at first…like VERY. And by first I mean the first 2 weeks. I used to crave sugar so badly especially when it’s right in front of me but I couldn’t have any. but it wasn’t right to cut it out completely from the start. it had to be reduced gradually and in moderation because if you suddenly stop having sugar you might lose control one day causing you to binge on it in one sitting. so what I used to do is: note before I start: I cut out sugary beverages completely even at the beginning…sugary drinks were a big no for me not even in moderation. Because a “drink” having too much sugar doesn’t feel right to me. 1. Start small by decreasing your portions, say I was invited somewhere and they served cake, normally I’d have the whole piece but I only ate half of it…that’s how I started. now I can say no to sweets without feeling like I’m forcing myself. (which wasn’t easy at all) you will reach a level where you won’t be tempted by sugar anymore, but it’s going to take much time and effort. note: if the cake was sugar free I’d have the whole piece lol. so start by decreasing your portions from time to time. Tip: say and think “I don’t eat sugar” instead of “im trying not to eat sugar anymore”, when you hear yourself say that it creates a sense of responsibility for your actions. 2. Find a substitute, when you’re trying to break any habit you should find a replacement to satisfy your cravings. At first my substitute used to be artificially sweetened foods, i consumed A LOT of them—artificially sweetened candy, chocolate, ice cream, etc. but i told myself that it’s okay because I’m trying to cut out sugar, I had to consume something that gave the same feeling and satisfaction till I stop craving it. I still consume artificially sweetened foods btw. I eat more fruits now and I even started to crave them whenever I needed something sweet, so artificial sweeteners and fruits were my substitutes for the cravings. Tip: find sugar-free recipes for whatever you crave and prepare them by yourself. You’ll feel good preparing something healthy and tasty for yourself. —a few weeks back: I was really craving a hot chocolate but where could I find a sugar free one? I searched and found a recipe, it was so good I felt so proud to make an actually good hot chocolate without adding sugar to it. 3. Don’t hide the sugary stuff from yourself, especially when you’re just starting because you need to see it to build discipline and ACTUALLY control yourself. It hurts I know but this is what helped me become capable of saying no to sweets I love when I’m offered some. Which leads me to my next point… 4. “Can’t I have a little bite?” You can if you really want to, it’s better not to but if it’s your favorite dessert, an occasional dessert, etc. you can let your self have a little. I do this rarely though I prefer not to. important to note: I only do this when I KNOW I can control myself and stick to just a small bite. maybe some would ask what about the progress? actually your progress will still go pretty well. a little of your favorite dessert won’t and can’t ruin months of progress. just to clarify: why “having little”? Because im not trying to consume too much sugar and risk triggering my body to crave sugar again, after all the effort I’ve put in. 5. Once you get used to it, sugary stuff will actually make you feel sick or disgusted when you consume them. You’ll feel like it’s too much because your body got used to not having sugar. 6. Have nutritious meals, especially for breakfast. A healthy balanced breakfast that will keep you satisfied can help reduce your cravings throughout the day. Pay attention to what makes you full and satisfied in the morning. 7. Some extra benefits that I noticed: - cutting out sugar helped me noticeably lose weight. - my skin looks better it used to be so dull. - my energy levels are better.

before I end this, I want to say that it wasn’t easy at all and I worked so hard on myself to stop craving added sugars, yes it will occupy your thinking at first but it will get easier I promise.

I didn’t know if I could do it at first but I did it, and I’m sure you can too if you’re planning to.🤍

that's the end, hope you find this useful.

[honest-moth-of-silver-grove]

Hey, I'd love a matchup for Castlevania, if you're up for it (was not the person who wrote you those ask anons btw, although I appreciate them clearing things up).

I’m a heterosexual cis woman, although I’m starting to suspect I’m on the asexual spectrum. So, I'd prefer a male matchup. Also not super sure I'd be down with polygamy.

I'm a premed student (no time for irl dating unfortunately 😭). I also work as a volunteer EMS on weekends. Outside of my school and work my hobbies are singing (musical theatre and classical mostly), theatre (backstage work as well as performing), skiing (the only sport I’m any good at) and TTRPGs (was this close to getting my group to play a Castlevania campaign 😔).

I’m also a big nerd about history, American comics, and folklore. I’ll rant for hours about my special interests if nobody stops me. I’d describe myself as ambiverted. I'm socially awkward, but also very loud and expressive. I’m a bit oblivious, I’ll admit lol, but I do my best. My MBTI is ESTJ, and while I doubt MBTI's accuracy, I agree I’m very Type A. When it comes to the things I’m good at, I’m a major perfectionist, but I’m proud of how hard I work. I think my greatest weakness is probably thoughtlessness, but my greatest strength is humility.  My giving love language is acts of service, and my receiving love language is quality time. I'm verbally affectionate towards friends but I freeze like a deer in headlights if somebody flirts with me. Also: I know appearance isn’t super important, but I think it’s important to know I’m only around 5’0 tall. As my friends say, "headpat size."

A/N: Okay for you my PreMed Student Anon (that’s amazing, congratulations by the way!)I have two potential matches in mind. You said you’re heterosexual and would prefer male results, so I chose two from that gender because I honestly couldn’t decide which would please you best. For you, I’m thinking either Dracula or Alucard would be your perfect romantic matchups! (It really does just come down to which man you’d like better: father or son, lol.) 

Dracula (Vlad Tepes), as terrifying as he may be when he decides to enact justice on the human population, is a very reserved and intellectual man. He’s introverted and devoted much of his life to learning about anything and everything from medicine to history to poetry. 

In this instance let’s pretend he’s either never met Lisa or he did meet and fall in love with Lisa but she either lived a full life and died of natural causes, or Dracula was able to overcome the anger and blame he held for humanity following her murder.

Dracula is a patient man. Being immortal means he understands that you must dedicate much of your time to your studies and your volunteer work. So long as the few moments you do get to spend with him are uninterrupted and meaningful, I believe he’d be understanding, and even supportive of your academic endeavors. He was more than happy to aid Lisa in her quest to learn more about biology, so I have no doubt he’d do similarly for you. Any questions you have, he’d gladly answer them. Any resource he has in his castle, any book or scroll, any record of any kind is yours to inspect. He has no doubts that you’re going to make a very accomplished professional one day, and he has every intention of doing whatever it takes to help you get there.

Along with that patience comes an understanding that sex is not the end all be all in life. Sure, it has its place for either pleasure or reproduction but it doesn't need to dominate relationships. If sex is something you're hesitant about, or against having, it doesn't make much difference to him. Dracula would be fine without sleeping with you, so long as he can have you in other ways. Holding you close, holding your hand, sitting next to you in front of a warm fire- those things are what make him feel close to your heart. 

Dracula also enjoys how animated you get when you go on rants about your special interests. He’s very versed in history and folklore as well, although not American comics, so he would listen intently as you teach him all you know. 

As an ESTJ, you would be very grounding for him (an INTJ), while still having a great deal in common. The both of you value an intellectual connection in a relationship while your more empathetic, extroverted side would help push him to see the truth of humanity where he may previously have only seen things in shades of black and white. You both strive for the best, and that suits you just fine with your perfectionism, but do be warned, there may be times you don’t see eye to eye. What you hold as most important in an issue or debate may be different than what he holds. Remember to be patient. INTJs are prone to stubbornness, but being a Type A personality, I do not doubt that you’ll be able to handle any contrary moods of his just fine. 

Your thoughtlessness can also be a source of discourse within the relationship, as Dracula is bound to worry about you. You’re human, you're fragile and under so much pressure. He cares deeply for you and does not want to see you hurt. The one advantage you do have, however, is your humility. It keeps you from being both arrogant and thoughtless which is a much more dangerous combination. So long as you are aware enough of your limits, and keep your wits about you the best you can, Dracula promises to trust you enough to let you come and go as you need to, so long as you’re willing to admit when you need help. But with your best trait being your humility, that shouldn't be a problem. 

Dracula is so touched by your acts of service. Being such an ancient and scary vampire no one ever thought to make him tea or ask if he needed help with anything. He feels so fortunate to have a partner who does not see him solely as ‘Dracula’, Lord of Vampires, but as Vlad Tepes, a man at heart. 

Not to mention your size difference is too adorable for words. He’s so tall and you’re so tiny… He always kneels whenever you ask for a kiss, he’ll never ask you to step on a stool or climb a ladder to reach him. He’s more than happy to come to you. He loves you. You are his new light, his new reason to believe in humanity. 

Alucard (Adrian Tepes) could also be a good match for you! He’s an ambivert like you, although he may not admit it. He’s the son of a scholar and a doctor, so he’s very understanding when it comes to your education and career. And his empathetic nature makes him extremely compatible with your considerate one. 

As Alucard is a dhampir and immortal, this matchup could work in either medieval times or modern times. For the sake of this matchup, imagine whatever you might prefer. 

Alucard hasn’t always had the best experience when it comes to sex. Granted, you can’t judge every potential future experience based on one horrible one, but he’s not the kind of guy who jumps into bed easily. He has reservations and feels very insecure about the whole act. Should he ever engage in it, he’d need a partner who’s very understanding, or just as nervous as he is about the whole thing. In hindsight, I don’t think Alucard would mind not having all that much sex: for him, your continued company means more than any sexual endeavor could. 

Alucard is very impressed with your decision to go into pre med. He knows how much work that means you’re going to be undertaking, and he’ll do whatever he can to support you, either in your studies or in your personal life. He’s very well-read and rather educated on biology as his mother was a physician, so feel free to ask him any questions or have him quiz you before exams. He’s also a bit of an obsessive lover. When he decides he likes someone, he makes a point to memorize that person. (Recall the Trevor and Sypha dolls?) He wants to know what you think and why you think it. That way, he can anticipate your thoughts or needs. 

And he does quite enjoy it when you sing to him, especially if you sing him to sleep. Sleep hasn't always come easy to him, but with your presence and your lovely voice, it’s as if an angel is singing him a lullaby. I also believe Alucard would absolutely thrive playing TTRPG: he’s sarcastic, smart and strategic. I really think he’d dominate any campaign he set his mind to. Plus, it’d be great socialization for him besides you. 

As an ESTJ you’re fairly compatible with Alucard’s INFJ. You’re just extroverted enough to pull him out of his idealistic daydreams, but grounded and predictable enough not to shake his confidence or trust in you/your relationship. The only possible issue is that INFJs can sometimes get caught up in the fantastical destiny of it all: it’s about people and purpose. Whereas ESTJs tend to be a bit more practical- you value reality and stability a bit more than potential and daydreams. But I don’t envision this to be a huge problem, so long as you push communication with Alucard. He internalizes a lot. He’ll need to be reminded to share his inner feelings. So long as you do that, I don’t see any major discourse between you two. 

Alucard may be a little disappointed in your moments of thoughtlessness, but at the same time, he finds them endearing. You try so hard: you’re a perfectionist like he is, and even though you’re only human, you strive for the same greatness. It’s rather admirable. He likes that about you. 

Alucard would also be very touched by your acts of service, mainly because he often finds himself doing the service for others. It’s nice to be taken care of for a change. And he is very happy to spend quality time with you. He’d follow you everywhere if you let him. So long as he’s near you, he feels complete. He’s always leaning down to give you soft forehead kisses whenever you’re around. You’re so precious to him. 

[moonstruckme]

Hi Mae! I’m gonna ramble in your inbox for a sec don’t mind me

So it’s graduation season (as you are very aware, congrats btw!!) and I just graduated high school today and it was great but it was also really sad (and I’m aware this is very dumb to complain about because a lot of people have no one around them to support them and I am very lucky because I do) but I was there alone up until the ceremony started and my family came to watch.

And I know that I wasn’t the only one getting ready alone but it made me kinda sad to see all these kids with their parents helping them get ready and taking care of them and I didn’t have that. And I know that it’s not because my parents don’t love me, they just always have so much going on and I’ve always kinda had to look after myself and I’m usually fine. (And realistically I know if they were there it would probably be way more stressful) but for some reason it just made me really sad. I was struggling to get all my stuff on right so much that the girl in front of me had to help T-T and I just kept thinking that I wish I had a mom there.

Thankfully I had friends there who were looking after me too (one of them gave me free rein of his chocolate pretzels ♥️) and my teachers were all really great but I was literally on the verge of tears all day bc of all the emotions T-T

Also a random guy saw me waiting after the ceremony by myself and just said “congratulations, kiddo” i literally almost started bawling 😭 so I am very lucky that I had more support than a lot of other people, I was just kinda lonely for a bit. (I really hope this doesn’t come across like I’m ungrateful rip)

Anyways that’s all!! I hope things are going well for you!

Hi lovely, I don't think that's dumb to complain about at all!

I actually think I really get where you're coming from, my parents are divorced and often I find it easier to tell them I'm just going to do things on my own rather than mediate who will be with me at what time and where, so lots of the big parent-centered events in my life have been by myself too. I understand that you want to give them credit where it's due, and I think it's a good thing that you still know how much they love and care for you but it's totally understandable to feel sad regardless.

It's so kind and considerate of others to try and step in for you when they see you don't have the support they do, but I know that in the moment that also doesn't always feel great. When I was little my dad never wanted to come to anything and often my friends' dads would take turns doing the thing with me so I didn't feel left out, and that was so so sweet of them but I was pretty embarassed at the time! It's not nice to feel pitiful, and the idea that people are perceiving the same thing as you are in your parents' absence probably didn't make you feel better.

Like you said, none of that detracts from how loved you truly are, and it sounds like you know this already but it seems like you also have all this excess love pouring in from the people around you!! I'm incapable of not looking for silver lining, and to me all those kind people are definitely something to be grateful for, but also I think it's okay to let yourself mope a little if you want to my love. Don't deny how you feel because you think it's dumb or unjustified or anything of the kind! I promise you it's very valid.

Congratulations on your graduation sweetheart!! I'm sure your family are all very proud of you, as well as the friends who were there for you on the day (and me too!!). I hope you enjoy a lovely summer and take some time to reward yourself for all your hard work before whatever comes next <3

[onlyjaeyun]

jaemin foul for cheating but he kinda valid for speaking up about not feeling loved?!? Idk I mean ofc he shouldn’t have cheated and there should have definitely been more communication to help them but is he so wrong for feeling neglected? Idk idk I just idk sympathize with him but still fucking hate that he cheated as way to be validated!!

I think I sympathize because my ex bf was the same where there was a lot of priority given to everyone but me and I was kinda just there to nurse his ego and make him feel good but never vise versa and that shit broke me the difference being I accepted that as my fate and he would tell me it’s because I’m “hard to love but he’s trying his best to love me” and like I carried that with me everywhere and I was always like … dang and idk i stayed in that cycle until he broke up with me but I feel like if jaemin didn’t cheat he might have been in the same place I was idk?

Sorry for the random trauma dump

-🦒

noo dont ever be sorry baby!!!! what im about to say is in absolutely no way belittling or disregarding your experience because i myself know exactly how you feel/felt and the cycle you are talking about and even if i didn't i'm pretty sure i can somehow phathom what you went through. (i'm so proud of you btw!🥺🤍)

now onto COLD HEARTS!jaemin however, he's just..not in that position. i've tried my best to depict him rather toxic and manipulative but i have realised that i should have made it more obvious or like out in the open to give his charcter the light i needed him to have.

ofc he's absolutely valid for feeling neglected, however – and this will be revealed in future chapters – he was never really neglected in the first place. he simply hates everyone in y/n's life and wanted her all to himself all while maintaining his own social circle as usual. on top of it all, he was actually the one in your ex bf's position since he constantly told y/n things like "nobody can put up with an attitude like yours" or "you're so difficult to talk to i feel like i can't ever have a normal conversation with you" when he simply didn't like her responses in the sense of its meaning and not even necessarily her tone.

you will understand the type of person he is the more chapters come since, yes they broke up, but he'll remain a firm part of the story till the very end!

i hope this somehow makes it a little more understandable which pov i wrote jaemin from.

sympathising with him in that matter is absolutely understandable bc we all would feel the same way, but i can reassure you that CH!jaems isn't one of us 💀

oh also, additionally i gotta comment here that y/n had to raise herself and her siblings and grew up in a very difficult household which lead to her having said attitude jaemin complains so much about. he knew this and basically – as the boys state in chap 5 – has made it his challenge to see if he can have her submit to him and prove himself that he can handle every type of woman.

i hope this all makes sense, i sometimes tend to forget that you guys cant actually look into my brain so i gotta type these thoughts and behind the scenes out every now and then! thank you sm for your feedback baby, ily 🥺🤍

[youngtomhardy]

LoveSexDrugs (2023) canvas shot by Isaac Luna

I grew up online. I really enjoy talking to fans, making genuine connections/friendships with them, over sharing. I even like making content as much as TikTok drives me up the wall. Recently I’ve started searching my name a little more frequently since I started gaining more attention. It’s very exciting. Listeners on Spotify grow every day, even with no editorial support. With that, of course, comes more negativity. I’m sensitive, but I’ve been through a lot, I’ve got thick skin. I don’t take hate to heart. I’m extremely confident in my music, branding, looks, etc. I feel I’ve gotten it all figured out and will only grow from here.

What I do take to heart is constructive criticism, even if it’s only meant to be criticism. Recently i’ve seen words circulating about the way I present myself on socials. I think maybe I put myself out there too much sometimes. Maybe I’m just not at a point where I need to try so hard, but nothing has ever come easy to me in this business so it’s my default. I realize my content might be attention grabby, may rub people the wrong way even and I stand by my decisions 99% of the time. But I have to draw a line in the sand when it starts to taint the listeners experience.

So I plan to be a little more removed in the future. Finally realize that my music actually stands on its own for the first time since I started this. I’ve grown more now posting infrequently on tiktok. Those advice tiktoks are full of shit btw, nobody wants to see you post 6 times a day. Like. Be serious 🤦‍♂️ but I just want things so bad sometimes that i’ll try anything. The pressure to blow up is so insane once you’ve met a new label and have the ceos hovering you for that success. None of my critics understand that… but they’re also not entirely wrong and that’s the part that sticks with me. I watched ethel cain go from like 200k to over 1M on spotify. All she had to do was be herself. I guess that’s my lesson here… why am I trying to show a version of myself that I’m not proud of? I refuse to do that anymore.

[saradrewitt]

The Six Demons of Elsewhere

LUX "SON OF MIDNIGHT"

Fun facts and just little things I thought of when I began writing for IMIE (Copy and pasted from the IMIE Docs)

I think, for those who know, that I have a lot more ideas, concepts, and writings for my favorite demon Lux. I just think he’s really neat and just a character that I enjoy using for my own religious crises when I get them. Lux is definitely a character that relates to a level of family dilemmas I go through, obviously his experiences are dramatized in the name of his own character design but as a youngest member, still struggling with familial acceptance and expectation, he’s just the best in my opinion. The man got his own spin off comic so I don’t know if that says anything about his character.

For those who don't know he was based off of one of the characters in the Killer in the Mirror music video by Set It Off, and since there was not that much to go off of from the source material I put it upon myself to add him in IMIE for throwback purposes.

This is the guy from the music video btw

In the music video it gave me a mob/cult-like aura to it which was perfect for the plot of IMIE given all the other music videos I wanted to connect together into the story. Even when I went back to writing the official outline for IMIE he and a few other characters like Con and Azah were there for easter eggs. In development, Midnight was the only era that had a good chunk of lore and I needed characters that would give Cody, Zach, and Maxx a hard time in pursuit of freedom.

Some parts of his character now are from ideals I grew up with and just rejected because of my own religious dilemmas in life. Now he’s not a vessel in that nature, he’s just a guy just trying to undo the stupid shit he’s done while trying to get back any form or normalcy in his life. The man literally pitches a cult-like group to collect souls for Nox because that’s the only thing he’s familiar with like c’mon tell me that isn’t religious trauma. On top of that, he definitely was written for me to just also consider other forms of acceptance that aren't from negative people/experiences. I’m not going to lie I'm very proud of this character in terms of writing because I always loved designing characters that fight for what they used to have, only to accept inevitable realities (hence why now it’s important for Lux’s sake that Chlorine is canon in IMIE). Anyway Enjoy!

His official Elsewhere title is Midnight, the people of Elsewhere often call him the “Midnight Demon” or the “Water Demon”

Lux likes polaroid cameras and photography. Having a secret collection of rock magazines and posters of rock starts at shows under his bed.

The only thing he got away with wearing in his childhood was all black, he only owned two band shirts but they were Christian bands but suddenly lost them (no he didn’t he threw them out).

Complete animal lover (animal planet binge watcher). He had a Crocodile Hunter phase. 

In Chlorine he cannot stand the neighborhood kids that bother him. He will literally throw hands he dosen’t care, what are you going to do call the police on a dead guy?

Lux secretly owned a dog in an abandoned house in the woods, brought him food, toys, and a doggie bed for him (he named him Wishbone from the show). One day Lux could not find him until he saw him being held by a kid (tail wagging) as they exited a dog shelter. Lux came home happier than normal that day.

He wears eyeliner (prefers pencil) when he isn’t around family (wears it more often now as a demon).

Nearly almost drowned three separate times as a young child. Lux has aquaphobia with a mild tolerance of the ocean (thalassophobia). He cannot get behind swimming and only knows basic swimming methods for survival purposes. Do not expect him to go swimming or invite him to events involving swimming, pools, or large bodies of water. The only place he is fine with staying are the pools located in the abandoned school in Linoleum City.

Suffered from familial and religious abuse. Lived in a VERY religious household.

Lux is definitely left handed. Speaking of left handed, before he became a demon Lux had scars and joint problems from constant blows to it from rulers, belts, and even hardcover books. “The hand of the devil '' his mother would refer. Now those scars and pain have since vanished after his death.

He was neglected throughout most of his childhood, wasn’t a planned child and therefore gets shamed for it most of the time. He even was named after a random relative, who tf knows if it’s from his mother or father’s side he just knows that it was a family member no one talks about. His parents didn’t really care, a name is a name they already used up their planned ones.

Was forced to hide most of the secrets his family church were hiding, some of them involving stealing and laundering money from the church.

Mother encouraged his music interest as long it was for the benefit of his family and the church (absolutely despised his love for metal and rock, said that he would go to hell if he followed that dark and satanic path). Also scared him when it came to the rapture. Just doing her motherly duties by subjecting a 5 year old into a constant state of paranoia.

Father tried to teach him how to swim but grew frustrated with Lux and almost nearly drowned him, he tried to get his brothers to teach him but kind of the same thing almost happened. The first time he almost drowned was because a bunch of church bullies. They tried to push him into a river.

In elementary school he would get bullied, because he was the smallest and the loudest kid in class “my dad says you’re dad is going to hell!”. You would think his older brothers would be there to protect him willingly? No if their father ever found out that Lux got his ass beat and they didn’t do shit its ass kicking for all of them and then 2 weeks of church duties. 

Middle school he calmed down until he got into the rock and metal scene and it all started from his music teacher, Mr. Johnson (best fucking teacher in the world). 

He’s gotten bullied for getting dropped off to school then putting his mother’s eyeliners in his eyes to appear more grungy. A lot of new words were thrown at him since then. His parents were called one day because he showed up to school and spent an hour changing into his “true form” which was a rock band shirt he stole, some spiked bracelets, fake piercings, jeans and combat boots. His mother spend the entire weekend praying for her son’s soul. While his father beat the shit outta him in the name of the father, the son, and the holy spirit.

In high school all of that increased until he graduated. Most of his stubbornness was helped by Mrs. Johnson the school nurse (and yes Mr. Johnson’s wife). She was like a second mother to him at that point and he grew very protective of her because she was a veteran rocker in her younger years. She also was there when Lux’s parents died just before his graduation.

After high school he cut contact with his brothers (they moved and left town) and remianed alone since, leaving behind the only two people he cared for and working a shitty office job. 

He wants out of Elsewhere so bad it’s like living with your parents. He admittedly missed Elsewhere when it was his era, when he was the top dog, but now it’s mainly because Lux is a punk at heart and current Elsewhere is just overstimulated eyestrain.  

If there was anything he fought for before and during the events of Chlorine, it was Cult Linoleum. The one thing that he gave up his life for was purpose and power, so when Nox handed Red’s duties to him he was just living off that high. 

He loved the siblings of the cult coming to him for “acceptance” and seeing the beauty in the night. Offering false guidance and relishing in worshiping the night (this was just something he wanted to further develop until Con came to interfere on Nox’s behalf).

 In the aftermath of Chlorine we find out that in desperation, Lux “borrows” Con’s ideas for a....church?

Lux practically overpopulated the souls he produced for Nox to the point where a bunch of souls were just crowded in a Nowhere to snack on, but after some disappearing members and sketchy excuses, those numbers went down which is why Nox is really frustrated with him in the beginning of IMIE. Hence the events when Cody, Zach, and Maxx joined. 

There was no telling what caused Lux to fail, it might have been growing suspicion, it could have been his own sloppy organization, or it could be someone who changed his motives... either way, he is getting back to earth no matter what…

[maerenee930]

some things that happened at work today :

- had a an older member kinda flirt with me and hit on me and make lots of comments about how i’m beautiful and how if i have a guy, he probably doesn’t really appreciate me or really know how good he has it. and then he started rambling about that being the same thing with girls sometimes…? it didn’t make sense to me lol. but yeah. he commented on my hair a few times (nothing bad but just talked about my hair color and why i changed it) and then started talking about how people shouldn’t have to change themselves. they should just be who they are and be proud of it.

- he made comments about how he’s at least twice my age and if he were younger and a different race, he would definitely ask me out… 😳 he made comments about me being a beautiful young woman (multiple times. every single time in my head i would say to myself “not a woman” like janet from the good place 😅)

- when he was talking about people changing themselves, he was going on about young kids and how they don’t know how to be themselves and how they just need to be okay with who they are. and then he started talking about, and i quote, “gay people”. those were the words he used. he tried to say lgbtq community but couldn’t remember all the letters… it was awkward, ngl…

so there’s some more stuff that happened today (and more stuff that happened with the member i was talking about) under the cut if anyone wants to read more 😅

i figure i wrote a lot and i’d out it under the cut incase anyone just wants to scroll by and then so they don’t have to scroll past all of the stuff i wrote 😅

- he said gay people should just be who they are and love who they love. (not bad, thought he was going to surprise me more and this conversation was going to take a turn for the better… again, thought… that’s the key word there.) then he started going on and on about how people just need to be who they are. he was saying like how transgender people need to just be who they were born as. and talked about gender and how he’s a man and he feels like a man and if you’re a man but you feel like you are a woman, you should just date or sleep with women… 😐😑 and he said the same about women with men… because yeah you know, that’s definitely how it works with people 🤦‍♀️ uuuugh, some people! i swear!

- had a different member change the amount he wanted for something not once but three times on me and tell me the first two times that i got it wrong. and he said the second time and i quote “how’re you still getting this wrong. it’s not that hard”. he said in a very annoyed tone and talked to me like i’m stupid.

- so my supervisor came over and she helped me get everything sorted and after that and the member walked away, she looked at me and goes “well he was very grumpy, gosh!” and i explained to her how he changed the amount twice before she came over and how he got frustrated with me and was rude to me.

- i had a few members (all older guys, btw.) recount the money i just counted for them, out loud and counted multiple times before counting it back to them and giving it to them… i counted it correctly every time! i mean there were even some people today who didn’t even do that when i had messed up a little when counting it back to them (in my head sometimes i’ll count it back the way i count it when i am putting the amounts in my computer and forget to count it back like normal 😅🤦‍♀️ i was a little out of it today 😓). they just said it was okay when i apologized and offered to recount it and they said it was alright, they were counting with me and it was okay. they knew it was the correct amount and it was all good. like even when i messed up a little bit, they understood! but these guy who don’t seem to trust me even though i counted right three times before counting it back to them seriously felt the need to count it themselves to make sure it was correct?! UUUUGH!! 😤 (it’s not just men who do it, btw. but more often than not, it is.)

- ended up having a member who i went to high school with and did the plays and musicals with my senior year of high school! (they may have been apart of crew for the spring musical my junior year but i can’t remember for sure at the moment)

- we got to talking for a minute and the whole interaction/conversation we had started out with them complimenting one of my new tattoos ☺️ and then asking where i went to get it done. and then finding out they went to the same place for one of their tattoos! (we had different artists but i knew the artist who did their tattoo they showed me 😄) and then i told them about how a few of the artists from that specific shop actually just opened up their own shop not too far from my work and they said they would for sure check it out 😊 so that was nice.

-and they had mentioned where they work and i found out that it’s a shop my brother and sister-in-law have gone to quite a bit recently cause it right by where the musical they were apart of/my brother was in! i mentioned it to the member and they recognized the name of the show they did and idk i just thought that was cool 😊 and they told me i should stop by there sometime! and i for sure will cause they work at a like rock and crystal shop and just- yes!! 🖤

- and i got complimented a few times today by a few different members on my hair color 😅 one of the members told me not to change it at all, it’s look great and so cool as it is (even though it has faded aaaaaa-lot lmao. and there’s like barely any pink left. and it’s only pink because the red has faded so much lol but anyway). she had said it was beautiful and said all i would need to do is straighten my hair and it would look fantastic 😅 now i know she didn’t mean that to sound like rude or mean or anything lol but it was kinda like “ooh, ouch. okay then” 😄 for a second. but i get it, my hair was/is kinda frizzy and wavy cause i let my hair dry naturally after i showered this morning. i don’t like using heat on my hair when it’s wet and when i blow dry it, my hair frizzes even more and i’m just a big puff ball 🤦‍♀️ but anyway 😅 it still was sweet of her to mentioned she liked my hair and that’s what i’m trying to focus on lol.

there were a few more things that happened today that were kinda interesting but idk if it’s really worth like mentioning or talking about it right now, you know? so i’ll just leave all of this as it is and leave it all at that lol.

thank you to anyone who actually reads this 😅

i know you don’t have to at all and i really and very much appreciate that you took the time to 😊

[throughmilliesview]

[December 25, 2020 at 23:48] | Notes

I finish this year in an amazing yet super unexpected way.

I saw a letter that I wrote in the beginning of the year, and it’s crazy to see how much I’ve changed.

Back then, the only important thing to me were my dreams, I was obsessed into finding out the ideal career for me and I was conscious that I was the one pressuring myself the most.

What changed?

Well, about the dreams...I don’t have them anymore. Which is a little sad, but I’m gonna go back to them, promise I’ll work on it.

My ideal career? Well, I didn’t find it out YET but I did learn something from trying really hard to discover that the entire year.

I don’t have to be rushed.

No matter what I do, I’m not finding out anytime soon, so instead of torturing myself with that, I could just be patient. Maybe I’ll find out tomorrow, maybe in 3 years. It doesn’t matter, what matters is the effort that I put into whatever I do. Is fighting for it, and finding a job just in the meantime. Just so I can learn how it is to work really hard to get things you want or wish. Just so I can enjoy the process, and be even more grateful in the end.

And about pressuring myself the most? Well, I’m not romanticizing that anymore. I’m not even making deprecating jokes anymore, I swear.

Instead, I am loving myself. Being more patient and compassionate with myself.

Being kind is important, but the first person you have to be kind with is you.

I never thought I would try to love myself, even a little. But I am now. Because, guess what? I’m spending my entire life with myself, and it sucks to spend a lifetime with someone you hate.

Besides, I’m pretty cool, you know? I’m not bad at all. I’m sweet and loving too, and I make mistakes, but I’m learning with them.

— Btw, that’s one thing I found out about myself, I love learning! Truly. 

Also, I meditate now. 

So, yeah, my principles changed. So did I.

And I’m very proud of myself, honestly.

I know myself a little bit more, and that’s making things at lot easier.

My goals for next year are gonna be quite different, but much more centered and definitely clearer. So, yeah. Hope next year is like........well, not bad.

[freckledjoes]

Okay, I came here to have a good time before breakfast and BAM - got hit by anon's massage about bf wanting them to fuck another man. Old trauma showed up and said hi. Got me chills Jesus. So I'm speaking to that anon. Honey, run. I mean it. I was there and I was so in love that I was stupid enough to even think about doing it. He wanted to find me another man and he wanted me to come to this (completely unknown) person or him to come to MY flat and have sex with him while my bf would watch it by FaceTime. I consider myself asexual, I was 25 when I started dating my first (now ofc ex) bf and 26 when I had my first time with him. It was extremely hard to start relationships (I didn't want to be in a relationship ever) but he didn't take no as an answer and after a few months of him chasing me I fell for him. So imagine being asexual and listening your beloved partner offers, then asks, then demands you to have sex with a person you didn't even meet. We had fights at that time, the relationship were coming to a very ugly end but I didn't know it. I think he did but he wanted to fulfill his kink and used our ruining relationship to manipulate me into this. He said: if you do this, we will be together, it will be a new start for our relationship. He said: you think you don't and won't like it, but what if you will? Try try try mb you'll like it.

I'm shaking when I'm writing it right now. I was stupid enough to almost agree to do it. Because I was in love and I wanted to be with him. So I tried to force myself, I googled porn MFM (because he wanted me to have sex with another man while bf would watch it - first, and then he wanted to have a threesome) watched it, and I didn't like it.

It started kinda innocent. He said he had this kink. I said: it's okay, some people have it, it's fine, but not for me. Then he started softly convince me. He told me stories how he searched for couples to have threesomes with, he told me even when I didn't want to listen. Then when we started to have a tough time he started pressure and manipulate me into this, believe me when I say that EVERY our conversation ended up being about me having to have sex with other men. Even when we started to talk about, say, weather somehow he made it about threesomes. I was blind and in love and didnt see red flags, huuuuuugeee ones. Then he just ghosted me without even explaining or saying he wanted to end our relationship, he just fucking disappeared. And then I found out he's been fucking two my closest friends before, during and after our relationship))))))

So if he got offended that you liked a photo of a celeb and then suddenly changed his mind 180 and asks you to think about having sex with another man - just be ready for manipulation and pressure on your guilt feeling. He already made you feel guilty for liking a fucking celeb. I hope I'm wrong, but I have my experience and it was awful.

Btw after that bf I haven't had a relationship for 5 years. And I guess I won't coz trust issues 🙂🙂

Sharing this for the anon I answered previously 💜

Thank you for sharing your story, that must have been such a tough time and I’m proud of you for getting through that. I hope those friends also aren’t your friends anymore cause… yikes.

People will sometimes go so far to manipulate others, especially those that should be able to trust them the most and it’s so saddening. I understand that it has put you off of relationships for a long time. It’s the same for me with my ex, although a different situation, I’ve been single for 8? Almost 9 years (also due to other happenings in my life)? And honestly getting into a relationship now will be tricky because I’m quite comfortable on my own even if it’s lonely at times.

We accept the love we think we deserve and many of us don’t even get 10% of what we actually deserve. Hope this response also helps you figure things out, anon from earlier 💜

[tsunderexd]

Hey, whoever is following me. Thank you for following me. If no one is, it ain’t an issue. I am doctor now btw, supposedly happy day of my life but sadly I am not at all thrilled about tbh. If someone thinks I’m an elitist, ungrateful bitch.So be it :) If you are wondering why am I sad, let me tell you about it a bit?

I am a middle child of a middle class family in Maharashtra. I have an elder sister and a younger brother. So, I must be showered with lots of love from everyone, right? Well, no. When I was talking to my therapist recently they told me that I show characteristics of an undervalued childhood which means not only am I aware that I am the only who has to fend for myself and take care of others in the process but also I never received any appreciation for the same. The worst part now when someone loves or cares for me I cannot receive it because I don’t know how that is done to begin with. I have trust issues what if someone has an ulterior motive because the closest of my relatives don’t really give a fuck about our well beings but just about theirs. I mean what has that got to do with my results? I got to know about my results from my roommates who called me to tell me about them. And we chatted about everything and guess what did I do? Instead of validating my roommates feelings of joy and celebration I started to point out how she could mess up because I knew in the back of my mind that I fucked up in this exam and I am super grateful I passed but I can’t stop feeling this disappointment which I ended up projecting on my roommate as well. I am sorry my roommate for being a spoil sport. I am sorry me, my own self for being so harsh on myself. I talked with my therapist before about this and I am to practise saying that it was not a mess but the best I could in the given situation. I did my best, I did my fucking best with whatever I could and I am proud of myself for achieving the goals the 9th standard me wanted to achieve. And I’m sure that 26-27 yr old me will be proud of myself too.

This is hard, this is so very hard when I could just blame myself, situations, things and people around me. But I won’t. I won’t hence. Practising kindness and compassion takes efforts and I am willing to take these efforts. I know I can just float and swim in my pity party but I want to let go of this. I wish to be free of this so I can achieve new heights.

I love me and everyone who has ever in the slightest way supported me. Thank you. I am utterly grateful to you. Thank you to my roommates, parents, professors who gave me passing marks and others who in any way helped me.

The reason I was distraught is my dad says well I have partied because he got this meeting in a seven star hotel and had a blast, my sister didn’t say anything (radio-silence) and brother gave me a Kurkure packet for sake of celebration . My ever kind mom who I love the most in the world wanted us to go out and celebrate but my brother said he won’t come and my dad and sister work in another city. But anyways me and my mom will go out tomorrow, it’s not everyday that I get to add prefix as Dr. to my name right.

And once I have celebrated I can start my revenge journey, excellence here I come.

Ps : to all the jealous relatives and peeps in general out there fuck you, also I forgive you all and wish you can start enjoying your success as well others with the same zeal. Also, Karma exists :))

Signing off

[highbydemand]

jan 2nd, 24’

i’m back (yes, back again, one more time, lol).

it feels kind of weird having a blog. i honestly don’t even know what to write or what to say, but i find a gigantic amount of relieve whenever i write once again. it feels like an eternity since my last post, and yes, well, not an eternity, but definitely some time has gone by (hope you know what i’m talking about, because i don’t even understand myself sometimes, ha).

funny is the word i would use to describe the way my year started. no, not funny, it was rather unpleasant and uncomfortable. it feels like dealing with my grandmother has become in some sort of odd way to express and define love. and i get it. for her, it’s been very hard. depression, constant griefs regarding several topics, etc. i do get that. but i don’t think i’m going to be able to keep on nurturing that type of blackmailing that only my grandmother possesses.

i’ve got a job now, which i totally love and care for. i think i’ve found one hidden passion that’s been with me since i had the age of reason. so, yes, it may have not been that hidden, fine, but i found it and i feel less lost. i’m proud of my degree, don’t get me wrong—studying psychology has been one of the decisions i have no regrets at all. however, learning new languages and being able to speak and communicate with others has been one of my absolute desires, again, since i had the age of reason (i’m an interpreter now, btw, he).

one of the reasons that has helped me deal with the day to day bullshit has been my wonderful and loving boyfriend. i honestly think i’ve found the love of my life, and i’m grateful with the universe for sending me such a caring and gorgeous boyfriend. i feel like the luckiest person alive by his side.

other than that, i haven’t written at all. i have ideas and thoughts and projects i want to keep working on. however, i’m finding my self in such a vulnerable position these past couple of months that i don’t think i’m able to write or face those inner anxieties and issues that haven’t been solve and that, most likely, won’t ever be solved. i’m at peace with that and trust me, i WILL write about that in a future. maybe just later.

i do have some poems that i’ve wrote in the past that i want to share with you all. i hope you find them interesting and can relate to my poetry in your own unique way.

with love,

—JC 🖋️