#I’m unlovable and unwantable and alone

[queerwhohatesithere]

hey guys. what do you do when you actually want to kill yourself. pls don’t report this post or anything, im okay or will be

my biggest support right now is my cat. my apartment is deteriorating and i’m moving soon. i can barely muster the energy to eat, and i can’t afford food so i’m relying on whatever i already have and food banks. i had to ask for money in discords i’m in and i’m humiliated. and SA tw, i was raped last saturday. despite knowing that people always say, “it’s not your fault” it fucking feels like it. one of my biggest supports didn’t believe me that last time i was assaulted (long story) and it WRECKED me. she believes me on this. she always believes me. just had/has a blind spot for that one person. it hurts. it hurts so fucking bad. i have chronic fatigue and chronic pain so i never feel rested and my muscles are aching asf. i haven’t had the motivation to brush my teeth and can tell i have cavities i can’t afford to fix. if i want to get into the college i want i’ll have to do school full time in the fall and work less. i’m already struggling financially. i don’t know how i’m going to do it, and i have so much school ahead of me. this is my first semester and it’s already killing me. i’m trying to cope. i’m trying to check the facts. going to my DBT group. but it takes everything out of me to go to work, to barely get my schoolwork done and not have the motivation most nights to work on it. to feed my cat. and i share my dog with my ex and haven’t had him the last week but when i do have him, it takes everything in me to take him outside. all my money is going to lyft and uber bc the buses are unreliable. on the weeks i have my dog i can’t take the bus home even if i wanted to bc i’ll be home later and he’ll have been crated for too long. even this new fucking taylor album just feels dull. it feels like nothing can make me happy anymore. i feel utterly devoid, broken, and unwanted. i have too much going on and too much to do but can’t shed any of my responsibilities. i just. want to shrivel up into a ball and die. but what’s worse is knowing i don’t actually want to die, i want to live. i just feel like i can’t go on like this. and it sucks. the one form of sweet release i could have i can’t have. i’m disillusioned by anything i could try that wouldn’t permanently disfigure me if i fail. so i know that even if i DO make another attempt, i’ll end up right back in that hospital. and no one will visit me.

just. anything! anyone reading this! i feel like i’m shouting into the void! please. give me anything, any semblance of hope, any reason to keep going, any coping skills you have. i’m grasping at straws but i’m desperate. i’m trying SO hard to survive but i’m losing weight again and being hungry all the time makes me tired and cranky. i feel like im losing my mind, and im so scared, all the time.

how you deal with the person you loved most in the world leaving you? and literally thinking you’re crazy, saying that to your face.

with having memory issues to where i can’t even remember when she apologized.

with being in pain. all the time. all the fucking time.

how? how do i deal? how do i cope? how do i LIVE?

[aethercoreheart]

plus one

gallery owner!rafayel x gallery manager!reader fake dating, coworkers-to-lovers

You stare at the digital invitation to your cousin’s wedding, your name and the “And Guest” next to it, taunting you. You’re already regretting RSVPing as attending – it’s not that you don’t want to celebrate with your cousin, but you’re already dreading the question you’re going to get asked at least a dozen times during the wedding.

“What, still single?” you can hear your relatives’ voices asking you, dripping with condescension and pity.

“Argh!” You sprawl across your desk, tempted to throw your phone to the other side of the room. You don’t care about being single, but your relatives always make a big deal out of it. They see having a partner as a sign of success. Without one, you’re deemed as unwanted, unlovable. You’re going to be seen as the cousin who’s perpetually single. The one who focused on their career too much and had forsaken their chances at a romantic relationship because of it.

“What are you still doing here?” Rafayel’s voice jolts you out of your pity party, and you sit up straight in your chair.

“I thought I’d have the gallery to myself by now.” He breezes past your desk, his fingers lightly grazing the little trinkets you have on display. He picks up a small shell you have sitting on the corner, and toys with it absentmindedly as he walks off.

“Still working on the event for next month,” you grumble, avoiding telling him the real reason why you aren't leaving yet.

Normally, you’d be already out of the gallery by the early afternoon on a Friday, leaving Rafayel to go over the collection before the start of the weekend. But you’re here, seated at your desk, glaring at your phone. If you go home now, you’d be left alone with your thoughts and you’d spend the entire night spiraling, dreading the event.

Rafayel notices your less than enthusiastic response, and turns back around. Your eyes meet and you hold his gaze before you turn back to your screen and start typing again.

“It’s fine,” you tell him, attempting to focus on an email. “I’ll just get back to these suppliers and sort this out before the weekend.”

You see him tilt his head to the side, confused. “You don’t have to do that until next week, though.” He starts walking back towards your desk, his brow furrowing. “Okay, spill it. Something’s bothering you.”

You look up at him, contemplating for a few moments on what you’re going to say. “I… have a wedding to go to this weekend.”

He raises an eyebrow at you. “So?”

“So,” you sigh, leaning back in your chair. He comes to sit on the edge of your desk, putting the shell back down from where he took it. “So… I have to smile and say ‘Still waiting for the right one!’ when my nosy aunties ask why I’m still not in a relationship yet.”

“Ah.” Rafayel crosses his arms over his chest. “You don’t have a date?”

You shake your head. “If I did, I wouldn’t be having the mini crisis I'm having right now.” You lean forward again, your hands going back to your keyboard. “So, I’m here, finishing up my work, instead of going home and drowning my sorrows in ice cream and trashy reality television.”

You’re expecting him to bid you good luck and send you home, but instead, he leans forward, a mischievous twinkle in his eye. “Why don’t you take me?”

You gape at him, dumbfounded. That is the last thing you expected him to say. Your brain is scrambling to reply, but he speaks again before you can say anything.

“Do they know you work for me?” You shake your head. “Okay, so I can be your date for the night, no biggie.”

“You… you’re my boss,” you mutter, your mouth suddenly feeling dry. This has to be some kind of HR violation, right? 

Rafayel shrugs. “Does the reception have an open bar?” You check the invitation, then nod in confirmation. “Then it’s settled.” He leans in even closer, his eyes staring deep into yours. “I’ll accompany you and be your plus one. Just to stop your pesky family members from bugging you.”

—

Rafayel had texted you that he was on his way, so you had rushed out of your apartment, checking yourself one more time in the mirror before heading out the door. You’re not used to dressing up this formally, and you find yourself constantly adjusting your clothes and hair, trying to make sure everything’s in place.

“Oh my god,” you say under your breath as you watch Rafayel pull up to your apartment complex.

You recognize his Mercedes, sleek and dark, looking newly washed and waxed. He stops at the curb, just next to you, and steps out of the driver’s side door.

Your heart drops to your stomach as he walks towards you. He’s wearing a crisp, navy blue suit, so dark that it almost looks black. His lavender hair, whose curls are usually stylishly tousled, is now swept back, with a few strands strategically styled to hang down. He adjusts his suit as he makes his way around the car towards you, but stops in his tracks when he sees you standing on the sidewalk.

You both regard each other in stunned silence, your heart feeling like it’s about to burst out of your chest. You’ve never seen him dress up like this before, not even for special events at the gallery. 

Rafayel seems to gather his wits, and he continues to walk towards you, his usual cheeky grin now plastered to his face. 

“Look at you,” he says, almost sounding awestruck, his hand reaching out to you. You take it, and he lifts your hand above your head, moving his arm so that you twirl in place.

You laugh, caught off guard by his sudden playfulness, the tension between the two of you now broken. “Look who’s talking,” you giggle, motioning to his suit. “You clean up pretty well.”

He releases your hand and reaches for the passenger side door, beckoning for you to get in. “Let’s go,” he tells you with a wink. “I’m ready for that open bar.”

—

You don't want to admit it, but you enjoy seeing the astonished faces of your relatives as Rafayel’s car pulls into the venue. 

“Are they looking?” he murmurs as he takes your hand and guides you out of the passenger seat. 

You bite your lip to stop yourself from smiling. “Yeah.”

He fights back a smirk as he takes your arm and you head inside together. You feel the stares of your numerous relatives, boring into the back of your head as you and Rafayel find your seats. You hear the whispers among them – they’re barely disguising the fact that they’re talking about you.

“Is that…?”

“... boyfriend? … you think?”

“Gallery owner… artist…?”

“That's Rafayel Qi…”

“How…?”

You feel a strong heat spread across your cheeks, and you suddenly realize that none of them know what you actually do for work – they know you work in art, but that’s it. In that moment, you’re thankful that you keep your career successes to yourself.

Rafayel takes your hand in his, and places it in his lap. His gaze is set in front of him, but he gives your hand a reassuring squeeze. You squeeze his back, grateful that he had offered to come with you after all.

—

The ceremony was beautiful. At one point during the couple’s vows, your throat had started to feel tight, and a tear was threatening to spill out of the corner of your eye. Rafayel had pulled a handkerchief out of his pocket, and placed it in your hand.

“Thank you,” you had whispered, dabbing it on your cheeks.

The celebration is now in full swing, with drinks flowing freely from the bar. You had given your cousin and his gorgeous bride the tightest of hugs and had promised that you would catch up with them soon. Your cousin had shaken Rafayel’s hand enthusiastically, with his bride beaming widely next to him. 

“Yes, absolutely, we need to catch up,” your cousin had said, his eyes darting between you and your date.

Rafayel was the perfect date. You had rehearsed with him on what to tell your relatives, and he had faced them with bold confidence.

You’ve been going out for a year now. 

You met through working at the gallery.

No plans for marriage yet, hopefully you'll say yes when he asks.

You’re absolutely the catch, and he can’t believe how lucky he is to have scored you.

Rafayel played his role so well, he had almost convinced you that you were dating. He answered every tricky question with charm and charisma, leaving your aunts gushing and fawning over him. 

“Good thing you held out for this one,” one had told you, winking and squeezing your arm.

You had laughed nervously and agreed – inwardly, your stomach had felt like it was turning itself inside out repeatedly.

You're relieved, having survived the toughest part of the night – the interrogations. You now get to sit back and relax at a nearby table as you watch Rafayel do his thing on the dance floor. His dance card had been full the entire night, with several of your aunts coming up and asking him for his hand. He's now entertaining the flower girl – her feet are on his, no doubt, expensive dress shoes, and he's holding both her hands as they ‘dance’ together, his legs doing all the heavy work, lifting her feet up and down. You watch as she cackles gleefully, Rafayel joining her in laughing, seemingly delighted. 

The upbeat pop song finishes, and transitions into a slower, moodier ballad. A few couples head out to the floor, and you can't help but stare at them wistfully. You know you don't mind being single, but sometimes you wish you had someone to dance with.

“Come on, let's give Uncle Rafayel a rest,” the flower girl's mother says as she ushers her back to their table. 

Rafayel bids his last dance partner goodbye with a small wave, and comes back to where you're seated. You pull out a chair for him, and motion for him to sit down, sliding a glass of champagne towards him. Instead of taking your offer, he extends his hand, and you stare at it, wondering what he's up to.

“Come on,” he beckons with his hand. “Dance with me.”

You pause for a few moments before deciding to take his hand, and he leads you out onto the dance floor. You're actually not too confident in your dancing skills, but Rafayel takes the lead, putting his hands around your waist. 

“Just hold my arms,” he murmurs, leaning in close to you.

You're suddenly extremely aware of how close the two of you are, and you hope to any higher power that he can't hear your heart slamming against your ribcage.

He pulls you closer, his forehead just touching yours. You can smell his cologne, musky and intoxicating. 

“What… what are we doing?” you whisper nervously.

His lips twitch up into a smirk. “Relax. Just playing the part. Is that okay with you?”

You nod, your hands feeling clammy against his suit. 

Rafayel's eyes dart side to side, then lands back on yours. “Let's seal the deal,” he says softly. “Would it be alright if I kissed you?”

Against your better judgement, you nod again. Your hands find their way around his neck, your eyes trained on his lips. Your breath hitches in your throat as his lips press onto yours gently. His kiss is sweet, tender, and you find yourself kissing him back. 

You swear you hear a faint “ooooh” coming from one of the nearby tables. Rafayel smiles against your lips, and he lets out an amused huff. 

“Thank you, Rafayel,” you murmur, breaking the kiss. Your foreheads remain touching as you sway in his arms. “I owe you big time.”

“You know, this could really work,” he muses, keeping his voice low. “Should we make my plus one status official?”

You’d be lying if you said you hadn’t been contemplating it yourself the entire night. It feels so right to be in his arms, but your mind is racing, considering all the possibilities and consequences if you said ‘yes’.

“What about work?” you titter nervously. “Are you going to go back to being my boss after this?”

“Let’s worry about that Monday morning,” he tells you, as he presses his cheek against yours. “For now, I want to hold you. Just like this.”

[resident-gay-bitch]

Steddie AU that’s farmer wants a wife.

Steve is the farmer that wants a wife and he gets paired up with Nancy who was pushed into doing this by her mother and was like eh fine I guess I’ll get married to some guy and then she meets Steve and Steve kinda falls in love with her but she doesn’t really feel the same as strongly because she really isn’t ready for marriage or anything and just kinda wants to be her own person

Enter Eddie munson who is her half brother who follows nancy around because they only found out they were siblings when they became adults and really connected and so they’re inseparable these days and he immediately gets a big fat crush on hot cowboy looking farmer Steve and tries his best not to flirt but is INSANELY jealous of his half sister now but then Steve is also kinda into Eddie and tries his best not to show it but feels more affection from Eddie than he does Nancy and so he kinda clings to Eddie a little bit more

People are obsessed with the show and there’s a whole fight like Edward vs Jacob style between who people want Steve to end up with after the show airs and it’s the thing of the season

Nancy ends up confronting Eddie about it because she can tell he’s full on crushing on Steve because he talks about Steve more than nancy talks about Steve and he confesses his feelings and she’s like oh damn…

And then her and Steve get into an argument cause he’s like “why don’t you put effort into this relationship??” And she’s like “it’s bullshit I didn’t even want to be here in the first place my mother pushed me into it and I didn’t know how to say no” and Steve’s like “fuck I’m heartbroken about this why don’t you love me why doesn’t anyone love me why can i make them stay” but like less dramatic to her but those are his feelings

And then Eddie finds him crying out on the ranch somewhere because nancy tells him about their fight and she ends up in an argument with her mother about it when she comes storming in, so Eddie leaves to get away from their fight and just finds Steve being all sad and comforts him and Steve is opening up about his feelings of being alone and unwanted and unloveable because he thinks they’re alone and that there are no cameras around for once but of course there are because reality shows allow no privacy

And Eddie’s like “nah I’m not gonna take this Steve I’m gonna be honest i think I’m falling in love with u I know ur straight babygirl but you’re the man of my dreams I think so at least you know that you really are loveable please believe you are wanted. Nancy just isn’t ready for marriage or anything she needs her independence it’s not you babe it really is her”

And then Steve’s like “omg r u for real I can’t believe this wow I feel the same”

And then Eddie’s like “whatttttt?!!!???”

And Steve’s like “yeah”

And then they make out crazy style and the season ends with their wedding and nancy officiates it and they all live happily ever after thanks for listening

[harlothane]

Theon and Fear - And at the end of fear...

George R R Martin’s ASOIAF focuses on the "human heart at war with itself". In doing so, it provides a compelling, complex and deeply touching exploration of human emotions. One of the dominant emotions the characters are faced with is fear.

I especially love how fear is shown in Theon's storyline. His backstory and the events unfolding in his six Clash of Kings chapters and seven Dance with Dragons chapters, taken alone, constitute a raw, emotional and unsettling account on the many faces of fear. What it does to people. How it changes them, motivates them, corrupts them and may regenerates them.

“Can a man still be brave if he’s afraid?”

“That is the only time a man can be brave.”

There is no need for a long look at Theon’s storyline to see in which ways Eddard Stark’s infamous moral lesson applies to his struggles. Here is a character that commits crimes in the beginning of his storyline, goes through hell because of his misguided choices (led by his fear), finds his courage as he faces true terror and accomplishes one of the most selfless and brave acts in the series to save a girl.

I do feel like I’m missing pieces of the puzzle writing that, aren’t I?

The misstep, I think, is to draw too hastily a parallel between Theon and the other Winterfell boys around his age – Robb and Jon (it's a common issue in fandom and actually had a negative impact on the reading of Theon's storyline, I think. Read : x).

Unlike them, at the beginning of the story, Theon already knows fear. Both Jon and Robb had a decent, secure childhood. While Jon surely has grounds to feel dissatisfied with what life has to offer a bastard like him, he did not grow up in fear. At the age of nine, he probably had faced rejection, loneliness and disdain. But not true, traumatizing fear like nine-year old Theon had to.

19 year-old Theon in Winterfell has already been scarred by fear. He is not a knight of summer in that regard, as his entire personality is a product of fear, to the point where it becomes hard to pinpoint what his true self consists of exactly (that becomes evident as we are invited to his internal monologue in Clash, which is full of inconsistencies, rewrites and contradictions related to the way he sees himself).

We know for certain that, as the story begins, Theon is already familiar with the fear of rejection and humiliation (inflicted by his brothers and felt as an outsider in the North), the fear of losing his loved ones and his home (inflicted by war and the soldiers fighting that war) and some repressed kind of fear related to Euron and possibly his magic. He’s been abused and is still suffering from the lingering fear of death, cultural isolation/exclusion and loneliness.

What fascinates me with this storyline especially is that there is never an easy answer. It is a feature of ASOIAF as a whole, to be frank. I suppose that as a horror genre lover, I am especially drawn to the way Theon's story deals with fear. How it corrupts, how it paralyzes, how it regenerates.

Fear as corruption.

Theon, a “shy” child, “in awe” of his brothers, has crafted a personality to guard himself against the threats most frightful to him (humiliation, being unloved and unwanted, abandonment).

A personality that existed to guard himself against the world and more precisely, the men in power who could use him. A personality tailored to please his captors and his father, the ones his life depended on. His clothes, in this regard, are another part of the armor. Their purpose is to please, seduce or appease the ones whose approval Theon needs at the moment (though I truly do believe he likes his velvelt and silks, he still immediately suggests his father that he would change it if it would please him).

Living with those fears of being unloved and unwanted changed him profoundly as harrowing experiences always do. Fear is the one constant in his early life. His personality developed around it.

Theon mimics Dagmer Cleftjaw’s smiles because the warrior was one of the bravest men he knew in his early days and a hostage far from home needs to channel that tough, invulnerable spirit.

Theon was a child who lived in awe of his violent brothers, so as a young man he acts accordingly, as if spilling blood makes you worthy, as if life were a game to win no matter the cost for the weak and innocent (no matter the price children and mothers pay, no matter the price he himself paid for his father’s ambition!).

I know the Theon we meet in Clash isn’t the most agreeable person ever. It’s the point.

In truth, he is a hardly a person. As in, a human entity with consistent memories to ground him (even before Dance, he represses memories, seems to have forgotten a great deal about the Iron Islands and I believe we may learn more about this in Winds), and autonomous desires and hopes (in spite of himself, he is constantly trying to fit the expectations of the men he fears/wants to emulate – Eddard and Balon).

Even the way he expresses his sexual/sensual desires feels at times as a performance meant to impress or prove a point… read : x or x).

He doesn’t even have a future, and he knows that deep down. As Robb is crowned though and devise a plan with him to ally himself with the Islands, Theon’s hopes rose up and that is how suddenly there was in the sky a comet that heralded his bright future.

He seems like a “closed book” to the world around him, but he was more of a blank page, really.

A mess of fears stitched together with a smile. Fear really is the constant.

What would you do, if you were constantly afraid? Cut from the rare people and places that gave you a sense of security?

What would you do, if – that’s the greatest irony – you were surrounded by people who thought of you as a thing to be feared, an animal to be tamed.

Interestingly, Theon is known to be brave in battle, perhaps even reckless. Robb states it plainly: “Theon has fought bravely for us.” Dagmer Cleftjaw knows Theon “is no craven”. In Winterfell, he is ready to die with the few men who stayed with him.

Being shaped by fear did not make him a coward. It made him desperate and unreasonable. For one, Theon knows fear intimately and there is no greater terror than the unknown, after all. He knows war. He knows death. He is still haunted by the battle of Pyke.

Still, he is eager to march with Robb’s army. Still, he wishes he could have faced Jaime Lannister on the battlefield. And still, he would have died for Robb, he would have died for his father.

He shouldn’t be so eager to march with an army led by the people who hurt his own family so deeply. War traumatized him already. It separated him from his family. It obliterated his future, destroyed his prospects. But his fear of humiliation, rejection, loneliness – it overtakes all. Then again, I understand that Theon in Clash can be difficult to empathize with to some, but if you read his reaction with the knowledge that this is a person who is constantly in a state of true, agonizing fear, I think it changes your perspective a little.

The horrible outcome of all this is that by trying so desperately not to be seen as a weak thing people can use for their political gain, Theon becomes it. For Ramsay and Roose. That is not karma. That is the definition of a tragedy.

It has been said before: Ramsay is a secondary-(tertiary) character, he exists to embody Theon’s worst sins and fears. That is his nightmare, breathing and living and flaying every piece of a carefully crafted personality Theon made in the North to stop being afraid, to reclaim power and control over his fate.

Fear didn’t allow him to be brave. It made him desperate, easy to manipulate. He takes Winterfell in a foolish attempt to be the person he thinks he must become. The self-made Prince. The heir who returned in glory. A worthy son of Balon Greyjoy.

That is the story he tells himself and others. In truth, it becomes apparent he took Winterfell in a desperate attempt to make his “almost-home” his at last.

In a desperate attempt to belong somewhere he could have everything – power and recognition and love. It is the type of extreme decision you make when you let fear overtake your reason. Any other choice would have been more reasonable. It wouldn’t have saved him from fear, though.

Most of Theon’s bad choices are a result of fear. It made him crave power with the same intensity as he secretly wanted love and recognition. In Clash, Winterfell itself, the castle, its people, embody his fear of rejection, of being unloved and unwanted. He represses it. Until he can't escape it even in his dreams.

The two desires, to have agency/power and love, clash violently in Winterfell, an arc in which Theon’s starts to completely unravel as he does everything in his power to be a hard man like his father, like Eddard (no matter how contradictory), while spying the tiniest hint of affection or gratefulness in his captives’ eyes.

After all, in his own experience, it is possible for a captive to admire and crave his captor’s love.

To want to help them. To be part of their family. And he seemed to expect the same from the people of Winterfell. Even in Dance (because torture doesn’t erase your past trauma!), he still believes he could have reasonably expected them to help him

His constant fear has twisted his view on loyalty (you cannot be loyal to someone who imprisons you), love and desire (he links lust and violence), power and justice (“hard men rule the world”).

It corrupts his desires, even. Of all the sexual encounters, or thoughts, he has, none seems genuine with the exception of Esgred, who is not a real person but the embodiment of the nonchalant, confidant attitude he wishes he could adopt as easily. She is everything he cannot be. She belongs. She commands respect. She has a family. And as she divulges her real identity to him, Asha becomes someone to fear. She is in his place. She is him, the heir, the son, while he is nothing and nobody.

Fear as a paralyzer

It is not surprising that Theon would smother from early on the parts of his personality that made him sensitive to fear.

His need to belong brings only fear (he will never be part of the Stark family, but he still dreams of it until he buries that dream as well).

His empathy brings only fear (he demonstrates in Dance his ability to connect with broken people used by the ones in power he could have shared experiences with but couldn’t because of his fear of humiliation).

It shows one limit to Eddard’s reasoning. Fear, sometimes, changes you in such a way that it hinders your ability to be brave (as in, to make the most moral choice against your own immediate interest).

Growing up with constant fear drove Theon to stifle his empathy, making it hard for him to protect other people, as you would expect from a prisoner whose life is a bargaining chip that hinges on his father’s and his captor’s will, from a man who cannot even help himself.

Growing up in constant fear jeopardized Theon’s ability to make long-term, realistic plans for his future, as he barely has any stable support to hold onto. His entire existence does not belong to him. NB: In this regard, it is logical that most characters he is paralleled with throughout his story (Jeyne P, Barbrey, the dead lady Hornwood, Holly who has the same cocky smile and arrogance as his old self, Alannys with her white hair and even Dany…) are women, who are more likely to be stripped of agency, must fight to claim autonomy and struggle to regain a semblance of control over their destiny.

He has many faults, though it cannot be said in my opinion that he did have a good choice to make and that he simply chose wrong by trying to please his father. There were only bad roads that led to imprisonment, death or ruin for him. Theon realizes this in Dance: he cannot bring himself to imagine a bright future. No, he regrets not to have died with Robb. He knows his path was filled with fear either way.

Fear is a paralyzer. It does, in a sense, alter Theon’s capacity to grow and evolve.

Fear makes him an apt survivor (he’d survive a horror movie in messy “final girl” fashion), with a great potential for adaptation. But it corrupted him in the process. Led him to embrace a (faux) cynical attitude, to be over-zealous with his own captors to the point of risking his life for them and most of all, to opt for cruelty over mercy contrary to his own (sometimes contradictory) values – in Winterfell, he hurt others, and it haunts him, but he stands by his choices.

His fear of being mocked, used and humiliated drowns every other motivator.

He is so afraid to be seen as he thinks the men of the world want to paint him: a weak creature to be used. Someone who needs to bargain and submit to keep his life. It is rather in line with his way of thinking that he would consider himself a whore after Ramsay subjected him to his power and abuse in Dance.

“Only a fool humbles himself when the world is so full of men eager to do that job for him.”

That’s it, that’s the philosophy. Theon has his moments of incredible self-awareness, and this is one, hidden beneath some moral lesson as a pretext.

It shows that:

He has a bleak, but rather realistic view relating to most men in power. They will abuse it. They will humiliate the weakest. They will do so eagerly.

He hasn’t met Ramsay at that point. He may instead be thinking of his brothers, of the lords who humiliated his defeated father, of his own father maybe, or perhaps (in my opinion) Euron.

His arrogance is a deliberate strategy designed to avoid the fate reserved to the most fragile people.

He doesn’t judge the men who abuse their power but doesn’t seem to view them in a positive light. Still, consciously or not, Theon sometimes acts like those men. Since he is mostly deprived of real political or military power, he does it in the context of his sexual relationships (that deserves an analysis, especially regarding how sexuality in his chapters is so often if not always depicted in a negative, degrading manner.). It’s a “eat or be eaten” kind of mentality he is struggling with during his Clash arc.

Fear instructs him to repress the slightest sign of weakness. There cannot be true loyalty, love or desire in such a state. You survive. You are barely living. You just survive.

The rare sincere relationships he forms are short-lived – Patrek Mallister is the son of an enemy family; Robb Stark cannot ever be his equal; his bond with Asha is poisoned by envy and fear, again, of his place being stolen by her.

Theon’s mind favors denial/dissociation and repression as a defense mechanism. It doesn't exactly help him to form sincere relationships with people. It’s a motif throughout his storyline that echoes the stakes relating to Ironborn culture in the story (they must remember their history or they’re condemned to repeat it – that’s the symbolic role of Rodrik the Reader in Asha’s storyline).

Most times, he tends to rewrite reality - consciously or not. Of course, he will be welcomed by Balon Greyjoy! Of course, his traditionalist father will agree to submit to Robb Stark! Of course, he, the hostage, will be given Asha's place that she (of course!) stole from him! Of course, he is destined to be one of those hard men who rule the world, not an eternal victim! Of course, he is not afraid, and even if he is, even brave men feel agonizing fear about other men seeing their weaknesses!

We soon discover how fragile this mechanism really is. The façade cracks more often than Theon would like. There are many instances of this, especially in his conversation with Dagmer ("I know you are no craven" "Does my father?") and Rodrik Cassel ("The noose I wore was not made of hempen rope but it chafed, it chafed me raw"). Worst of all, he allows Reek/Ramsay to amplify his fear. When I write "allow", I do not mean he did it on purpose naturally. But he is the one who freed Reek/Ramsay. He opened the door to a living nightmare. Reek/Ramsay quite literally haunts him in his Clash chapters.

What he cannot rewrite, Theon represses. It does not seem like it at first glance because he is prone to reckless decisions. It can lead one to categorize him as a vain egomaniac, not as a repressed person. His promiscuity doesn’t help, since we are wired to associate repression and modesty.

It is true terror that he is obligated to repress - and it is what comes flowing unbridled as he loses his armor in Dance. This kind of dread is mostly associated with Ramsay (there are so many instances I won't even go into it) and, well, Euron (the slight unease Theon felt about his uncle during ACOK can - and must - certainly be revisited with our current knowledge about him, the fact that in ASOS it is established that Theon revealed awful details about his uncle to Robb, and the now evident parallels between Aeron and Theon).

Fear as a regenerative force

In Dance, the "dread" Theon feels in the crypt of Winterfell is "familiar". And I think you can see it as his fear of being unwanted. Of belonging nowhere.

It makes sense: Theon fears what he truly is. A prisoner, a scared child and a pawn for men to use in their plans. It is the truth he can never escape, no matter how perfectly he plays the Hard Powerful Masculine Man.

Fear pursues him all his life. It is only when he has no fear left to feel (it was all spent in a cell of the Dreadfort; all his fear is caught by Ramsay, who is the embodiment of Theon’s insecurities) that he shows his more empathetic and gentle nature – although he still feels anger, bitterness and the occasional dread, of course.

Still, it is not a bed of roses. Theon is certainly more sincere. He is not putting on a performance for himself. When he lies, he is terribly conscious of it. He doesn’t manage to repress his traumatic memories anymore. It all comes back, flooding. Even such buried memories as the ones related to Euron.

In a way, Winterfell acts in his story as the theatre scene, the place where you can finally be yourself. I wrote a bit about this here. It serves as a catharsis for Theon. In Winterfell, he is able to find pieces of himself. Pieces he had forgotten. He starts to remember the childhood he had buried ("A son of the Islands" / the Euron related reaction in Winds).

Fear had been eating away at him. Fear had been controlling him, at times. Not that he wasn't responsible, but he certainly let himself be overcome by his crippling fear of humiliation (which, sidenote, I don't believe stems only from his status as a hostage but that is another story).

Fear had been breaking him piece by piece since childhood. Just like the rat he eats at the start of Dance - it had been eating him first! He had to defend himself against the threats even if it meant hurting and killing in the process.

It is in Winterfell that he finally confront his fears - that he meets the one essential fear he had been trying to escape: himself.

The lies become a motif, even. “False is all you were.” Theon never lied as a manipulator would, though. Most times, he does not seem to understand the coherence (or lack thereof) of his own actions – which is also a side effect of fear (or to be precise, the fear caused by childhood mistreatment). It causes confusion, alters your awareness and hinders such abilities as analysis and planning.

However flawed Theon was, he was a prince, he was a warrior and a friend, he was handsome, he took care of his clothes and weapons, he saw a comet and decided it shone for him. He wasn’t much of a real, sincere, coherent person, but it was the most functional version of himself he managed to be in his situation.

The man he pretended to be could never have survived the Dreadfort, though. He had to disappear. Was he even real? The façade barely made it through his Prince of Winterfell era. Chances are, had he escaped Ramsay, Theon would still have been forced to confront his true self one way or another.

He is stripped from all his usual defense mechanisms in a horrific torture labyrinth. He becomes the weak thing he always feared he’d be seen as. He cannot hide. He cannot lie. He cannot even smile.

Every single fear he ever had becomes his new reality.

Humiliation: check.

Being controlled and used as a thing: check.

Mockery and disregard: check.

Friendless and abandoned: check.

To escape from fear, he can only repeat the partition he learnt as a child hostage: apply the rules of the people who can cut off your head at any time, and be the well-behaved prisoner so you can rise again later and impress every the ones in power who can share their power with you (a very Ironborn strategy, actually).

Except, there is no escape this time. The flaying knife has cut through the armor Theon had crafted for himself. He has no way out (another motif throughout his storyline). He has no secrets left and no smile to hide behind. He cannot forget his status as Ramsay’s pet by exerting power onto others. He is the very last creature on the food chain this time.

And so, there is nothing to fear anymore.

The Dance chapters are filled with terror and dread, until Theon pieces himself together. Then he regains some composure, purpose and faith, even. He finds his courage within himself, where it always existed, in truth. And, in Jeyne, he finds a motivation. Saving her, a child prisoner, abused and terrorized, he also saves what little of himself he can.

The only time he can truly be brave is when he doesn’t have to fear becoming fully himself at last. Whatever that means, in the end. At the end of fear, something must remain. Something must be rebuilt. Piece by piece.

[demigod-shenanigans]

While I’m on the topic of Valgrace adopting a child, this is Sofía:

Some lore:

When Jason and Leo are in their late twenties/early thirties a demigod legacy leaves a baby at the entrance of the Waystation. The decision to adopt her is easy—they’d been thinking about adoption anyway. Besides, Jason has been the abandoned child before and Leo obviously isn’t fond of the foster system and knows exactly what it’s like to feel unwanted by a foster family. They’ve both felt so lost and alone and unloved in the past and they immediately vow that they’ll do everything in their power to make sure this little girl won’t ever feel like that.

They name her Sofía Esperanza Valdez. Sofía because it’s one of the names they both liked and Leo decides she just looks like a Sofía, and Esperanza obviously in honor of Leo’s mom. Jason is the one to gently suggest using it as a middle name, stating that if names have power, there’s nothing quite as powerful as hope, and Leo immediately starts crying. (He knew he wanted to honor his mom in some way. He just didn’t bring it up because he was terrified that the baby sharing a name with his mom after what happened to her might be bad luck. But Jason is right that hope was the thing that saw them through when nothing else would, making it a name that’s fundamentally very positive. Besides, Leo’s mom was so much more than her death. She was smart and brave and stubborn and loved with all her heart. She managed to find happiness, even in the difficult times. All of these are good things.)

Me and @queenjunothegreat have been waffling back and forth about this girl for weeks, there is so much lore I’ll probably need a lot of posts for all of it (or asks, if anyone wants to know anything specific please feel free to send asks)

For now, have some additional Sofía fun facts (under the cut so people who aren’t interested can scroll past more easily):

-She’s a legacy of Luna, the faded Titaness of the moon. Piper thinks it’s hilarious that wolf boy somehow ended up with a moon child and jokes about it a lot.

-When she wouldn’t sleep as a baby Jason would rock her while levitating up and down the hallway. They’re not sure why, exactly, but this almost always worked.

-Sofía’s first word is papa, which is not, in fact, the Spanish word for dad that Jason was going for but instead means either pope or potato (depending on how it’s gendered). The word for dad is papá, which is similar-ish but emphasizes the ending instead of the beginning. Adult Jason’s Spanish is decent but he got it mixed up which part needed to be emphasized and taught her wrong. Leo absolutely explodes into laughter when he hears it and it’s one of his favorite stories to tell for years. Every time someone asks about her first word he lights up like a Christmas tree. Jason is mortified but the whole thing brings Leo so much joy that maybe the embarrassment was worth it.

-Leo is always building her stuff to play with. Sofía is the kind of kid that brings some new toy to kindergarten/school at least once a week because Leo cannot tell her no for shit.

-Leo is usually the one who stays up at night with Sofía when she’s a toddler. Due to the whole moon child thing, she’s a terrible sleeper (good luck waking her in the morning) but Leo doesn’t really mind. He’s just tinkering away at some project that he’d probably be working on at that time anyway as his very awake kid toddles about and they’re both perfectly content with it. They fall asleep on the couch together watching TV the next morning, and Jason just smiles and gets a blanket to put over Leo’s knees.

-Her and Leo definitely bake together and it usually comes out well but the kitchen is always a huge mess after. One time she insisted her dad help her make a birthday cake for her papá’s birthday but Jason cannot cook or bake to save his life and it was a complete disaster.

-Sofía has no concept of fall damage. Absolutely none. Will climb up anywhere no matter how high and jump off with zero hesitation because there’s never been a time when her dad hasn’t caught her (either personally via flying up or with the winds). Leo is way more anxious about this than Jason, which seems strange until you consider that Jason is married to Leo and has had to catch him plenty of times in the past, but while Leo worries about Jason sometimes, he’s never really had to worry specifically about Jason falling from high places before. But obviously, unlike Jason, Sofía can’t fly.

-When she’s annoyed, she scowls in a way that’s almost comically similar to Jason.

[doumadono]

Hiii I’m so sorry if this is bad timing but I have a bit of an emergency request? :’)

So my homelife isn’t the greatest at the moment, and I was wondering what Deku would do with a s/o with a poor homelife? Just to, you know, daydream about hehe.

If it’s bad timing don’t mind this at all!! But if it isn’t I’d really appreciate it :)

Thank youuu!! (Have an amazing day<3)

Moments of happiness - Izuku Midoriya x gn!Reader

A/N: I'm sorry to hear that things are tough at home right now. Remember, tough times don't last forever. Hang in there, and take care of yourself

EMERGENCY REQS MASTERLIST - PART 2

Izuku Midoriya had always been a pillar of support and strength for those he cared about. When he discovered the hardships his s/o was facing at home, his heart ached with an intensity he had never felt before. He knew he had to do something, anything, to alleviate their suffering.

It all started one evening when Izuku noticed the weariness in their eyes, a sadness that no amount of smiles could hide. He waited patiently until they were alone, then gently took their hands in his. "Y/N, is everything okay?" Izuku asked, his voice soft yet filled with concern.

They hesitated, but the warmth in his emerald eyes gave them the courage to open up. They shared their troubles, the arguments, the stress, the feeling of being unloved and unwanted in their own home. 

Izuku listened intently, his heart breaking with each word. "Why didn't you tell me sooner?" he asked, pulling them into a tight hug. "You don’t have to go through this alone. I'm here for you, always."

Izuku spent the next few days thinking about how he could help. He knew he couldn't just swoop in and change their home situation, but he could provide a safe haven, a place where they could feel loved and supported.

After a particularly rough day for his s/o, Izuku decided to take action. He called them over to his apartment, which was a modest place but filled with warmth and comfort. As they arrived, he greeted them with a reassuring smile and a tight hug. "I've been thinking," Izuku began, leading them to the cozy living room. "I know I can't change everything happening at home, but I want you to have a place where you can escape, even if just for a little while."

Their eyes widened in surprise and gratitude. "Izuku, you didn’t have to…"

He nodded, blushing slightly. "You deserve to feel safe and happy, Y/N. Come on, let's get comfortable."

They settled on the couch, and Izuku handed them a cup of hot cocoa, his eyes never leaving their face. He wanted to ensure they felt the love and care they deserved. 

They spent the evening watching their favorite movies, wrapped in each other's arms, laughter and joy filling the room.

As the night wore on, Izuku gently broached the subject of their home life again. "Y/N, I know it's tough right now, but I want you to know that no matter what happens, you always have me. If you ever need to talk, to vent, or even just a place to stay, my door is always open."

Tears welled up in their eyes, but this time, they were tears of relief and gratitude. "I don't know what I'd do without you. Thank you."

He wiped their tears away, pressing a gentle kiss to their forehead. "You don't have to thank me. I love you, and I'll always be here for you, no matter what."

In the following days and weeks, Izuku made sure to check in on them regularly, offering his support and comfort whenever they needed it. He helped them find small moments of happiness, whether it was through a shared hobby, a walk in the park, or simply sitting together in comfortable silence.

With Izuku by their side, his s/o found a renewed sense of hope and strength. They knew that with his unwavering support and love, they could endure any hardship and come out stronger on the other side. 

And for Izuku, seeing the light return to their eyes was the greatest reward he could ever ask for.

[one-idea]

I love the ASL brothers and really want them to be raised by Shanks.

I have an idea but I have to put a few events out of order.

So let’s get into it

We start fairly close to cannon with Shanks’ time on Foosha. He meets Luffy and he loves this kid. It’s the reason they keep coming back to the island in the first place.

Now this is where we are going to start rearranging somethings. Because Shanks and Higuma confrontation happens before Shanks has found the Gomu Gomu no Mi. Mean Luffy doesn’t eat the devil fruit (yet) Luffy gets mad at Shanks for not defending himself against the mountain bandit and runs off. Shanks follows him wanting to explain to the boy why. (Some fights you win by not fighting at all)

It’s here that he learns a hard truth about Luffy. Because Luffy runs home. Where he lives alone in a little shack. At first Shanks in confused, he thought Luffy lived with Makino. But Luffy can’t stay with her full time. She’s not his guardian and doesn’t have the money to care for him. She help him and cares for him when she can but most of the time Luffy is alone. The exception is when his grandfather is in town and is training him by: throwing him down ravines, dropping him in the middle of the jungle, tying him to balloons.

Shanks is horrified. Growing up on the Oro Jackson wasn’t easy. He saw a lot of horrible things when he was too young to process them. But he never doubted he was loved. And here Luffy is, a boy he’s come to love as his own sobbing because “nothing is worse than being alone.”

But Luffy looks at him with determination and says “that why I’m going to be king of the pirates one day because my Namaka will never leave me.” And Shanks knows two things. One Luffy is going to be the king of the pirates. There is not a doubt in his mind that Luffy is the person his captain was waiting for. Luffy is going to change the world when the boy sets out on his own. The second thing is that he won’t leave this little boy, who is walking sunshine, feel unloved or unwanted ever again.

Shanks hugs Luffy close and tells him he knows that Luffy is going to become the king of the pirates but before he can do that he needs so experience on the seas. How does the little anchor feel about join his crew? Luffy is ecstatic! He’s wanted this for so long and now Shanks is letting him on his crew.

But Shanks knows there is still one thing he needs to get before he can take Luffy with him. After all he came to the East Blue in search for one thing, the Gomu Gomu no Mi. He has to find that first. Once he has it he can head back to the New World. If he takes Luffy with him now then they could easily be track down in the East Blue by Luffy’s grandfather.

So he takes his hat off and places it on Luffy’s head telling him, “this hat is my treasure. There is one thing I need to find here in the East Blue before we can set sail for the Grandline. Can you watch over my hat while I find it? It shouldn’t take me more than five months. Then I’ll come back for you and we will set sail to the grandline together.”

Luffy looks up at him with such hopeful eyes “you promise?”

“Of course! I can’t go back to the Grandline without my hat. I’ll just have to bring along the little anchor wearing it.” Shanks tries for joking but ends up sounding way more fond and sentimental.

He cares Luffy back to Makino’s bar, watching as his boy falls asleep in his arms. Once there he explains their new situation to the crew. He then turns to Makino and as he closes the tab for the crew he also gives her more then enough money to take care of her AND Luffy for the next five months. Asking her to watch over his boy for him until he returns. Makino is torn because on one hand should she really be letting Luffy travel with these pirates? But at the same time she’s never seen the little boy be as happy as he is when he’s with Shanks and the crew. So she agrees.

In the morning Shanks leaves after explaining to Luffy he will be staying with Makino until his return.

Well not all plans go according to plan. Especially when Garp returns to see his grandson wearing Roger/Shanks hat and talking about sailing with Shanks’ crew.

That’s a big no for Garp. So he takes Luffy away from Makino and delivers him to Dadan. Strapping a sea stone cuff to his wrist (trying to dampen the boys haki signature so Shanks can’t find him) (yes I know cannon doesn’t full support this but it also doesn’t full disprove it so we’re playing fast and lose today)

This is where he meets Ace and Sabo.

It goes much like it does in cannon. With the two older boys not liking Luffy very much until after Porchemy kidnappes Luffy and beats him. The beating is far more brutal this time around as Luffy has not consumed his devil fruit yet.

The three boys become sworn brothers over shake. And start to bond. Until a few months later when Shanks returns to the island.

He is worried when he can’t feel Luffy while approaching the island. His panic growing as they get closer and closer and there is no sight of their anchor on the dock there to greet them. Shanks hurries to Makino’s bar only to be met by her sad eyes and tearful explanations. She hasn’t seen Luffy for months since Garp took him from her. She’s not even sure if he’s on the island or not at this point.

Shanks and the crew spread out. They’re going to search the whole island. If Luffy is here then they will find him. Shanks heads up the mountain, looking for his boy, he’s stretched out his observation Haki as far as it can go. He notices something strange. The signatures of two young boys but it seems as though they are making room for a third. A third that Shanks can’t sense.

Shanks is heading that way, hoping it’s Luffy. Hoping he’s not crazy. As he’s getting closer he can sense more signatures surrounding the young boys. And whether or not Luffy is with them it would seems these boys are in over their heads. He arrives right as the bluejam pirates are beating Luffy and Ace, while Sabo is dangling in Bluejam’s grasp. To say he is not a happy camper is an understatement.

Shanks moves fast get in between Luffy and Ace and their attackers. The three of them are surrounded but it doesn’t matter much to Shanks, everyone here is far weaker than he is.

The pirates are confused and Outlook III is telling this obviously homeless man to move along as he has no business here. Shanks ignores them and turns to Luffy. “Anchor what’s happening.” “They’re trying to take Sabo from us.”

Shanks doesn’t know who Sabo is or why these full grown adults are beating up his kid and his friends but frankly he doesn’t care. They were dead the moment he saw them hit Luffy. But to hear his son, who has extreme separation problems, crying because adults were taking away his friend. He’s going to drag this out a bit.

A quick blast of conquers haki has all the pirates and the sniveling noble down for the count. He’ll send some crew members out here to have some fun with them later, when three small children aren’t watching the pain he’s willing to put them through for touching his boy.

Sabo’s been dropped to the ground and Ace and Luffy have run to greet him. Luffy’s about squeezing the life out of the poor boy, but Ace stops and puts himself between the stranger and his brothers. Nothing is hurting his brothers, not even this weirdly powerful man.

But Shanks just smiles at him as Ace starts to grandstand. Asking the stranger who he was? What he was doing here? Questions and accusations flying from the angry boy’s mouth. But Shanks just laughs and looks over Ace’s shoulder and asked. “Come on Anchor don’t I get a hug?”

Ace is confused until Luffy rushes past him and throws himself at the stranger. Shanks just laughs as he catches the little boy and holds him tight before pulling back to look him over. He quickly spots the sea stone cuff and asks Luffy about it. Only to learn that his grandfather was behind the gift. A gift Shanks will be removing as quickly and safely as possible. Setting the boy down and drawling his sword.

The whole time Ace and Sabo are trying to figure out who this strange adult is. At least they were until he put Luffy down and drew his sword telling Luffy to hold his arm out and keep it still. The little dumby even does as he asks. The two brothers scream and rush forward to stop this stranger from cutting off their idiot little brothers arm, but they don’t make it in time.

Meanwhile Shanks, unaware or uncaring of the panic he is causing in the other boys, taps his blade against Luffy’s cuff cutting the thing off his wrist. Luffy giggles and thanks him just in time for Ace and Sabo to make it to him and inspect his wrist for damages, there are none. But Ace and Sabo are not impressed with this stranger.

Shanks just laughs and starts leading the boys back to the Red force. They’re hurt and he wants Hango to look after them as soon as possible. Ace doesn’t want to go. But there’s a promise of a doctor for his brothers. And Luffy is going whether Ace’s wants him to or not. So they head down.

This is the start of my idea. The next part is Ace and his extreme dislike of Shanks

He’s going to take Luffy way. (He learns about their promise and is furious that this man is going to take one of his brothers)

Luffy eats the Gomu Gomu no Mi and loses his ability to swim and Ace blames Shanks

That mountain bandit that shanks made mad the last time he was here is back and wants revenge. Mainly Luffy shaped revenge.

Next

[merbear25]

Hurt (Caesar)

a/n: I've been in a really bad mood and need an outlet.

CW: angst, some fluff, argument and resolution, toxic relationship, depressive thoughts

“Why can’t you just—” Blood boiling and turning his face shades of red, the swirling rage and frustration clouded his better judgement.

“Just what? Just be normal?” You baited him into admitting what you feared. Your throat swelled around the lump that felt like it was getting bigger and drier.

He sneered at you and straightened his posture. Staring down the bridge of his nose at the riled up ball of flaring emotion. He just wanted to make you hurt. “Oh, I know I’d be asking the impossible if I wanted you to be ‘normal’. A broken person who plays chameleon all to be accepted and loved.” A deceptive smile stretched across his face. “But you never find it, do you?”

Your lip quivered, while he tore at your insecurities and exposed your fearful and weakened heart. The implication that you hadn’t even found that in the one you called your partner threatened the onset of tears. “You’re a cruel man.”

His breathing deepened, his eyes bore into your vulnerable heart, and his frown was etching into his face: the whole world saw him as cruel. You were the only one to ever look past that. Acting on impulse, he grabbed you by the arm and forcibly pulled you closer. Try as you may, your struggle to break free was in vain.

“Get off me!” You screamed and clawed at his hand. 

He tightened his grip as the flames of anger fueled his actions. Suddenly, he hoisted you up, completely ignoring the pain he was inflicting both physically and emotionally. “You’ll always be a miserable excuse for a human.” His words spat on your face like venom. “Broken. Unwanted. Unloved.” Your efforts at breaking free from the oppressive grasp weren’t wavering. When tied with your refusal to make eye contact, he shook you to demand a reaction. “Look at me!”

With such intense tides of emotion drowning the both of you, the heights they brought you to could only lead to a massive drop. “No! Just leave me alone!” The cracking in your voice had little effect on him.

“Is that what you want? Hm? To be left alone until your sad life has reached an end?” Chest rising and falling, his hot breath bathing your neck, his gaze trying to force its way into the depths of your soul: to him it felt like he could never truly know you, and it made him feel like a fool for thinking he could.

Your sobs made your words incoherent.

“What?” He yanked you closer.

“What difference would it make if I’m already alone?”

He tsked at that. “You know what your biggest problem is? It’s that you’ve made it impossible to get to you. That’s why you feel lonely. That’s why they don’t love you.”

“Because I know they won’t. I know they’ll never care because every time I try, I’m rejected for who I am.” The warm tears rolling down your cheeks dropped to the floor. “It shouldn’t be this hard… I just want to be normal.”

Watching each of those little cries for help fall from you, his gaze didn’t shift, in spite of the confliction he was combating. “You’re not normal. You will never be normal. Because normal isn’t who you are. The sooner you come to terms with that…” He trailed off, not really sure how to end his sentence. “Well, maybe you’ll be less like a pretend version of yourself.”

You wiped your face with your hand, smearing the salty residue across your flushed cheek. The fight you were putting up subsided, and he lowered you down and finally let go of your arm. Rubbing the tender area, you timidly looked towards him. It wasn’t easy for you to read him either. He was a man of many masks, after all. The expression staring back at you could be a representation of many things: of harboring resentment, of an attempt to gauge your next move, suspicion, or even a want to hold you. Even still, he cautiously moved towards you. When you didn’t reject him, he scooped you up in his arms and carried you to a place where you could rest. It was a form of a peace offering in a way: not with words, strictly action.

When he laid you down on the inviting silk sheets, you turned towards him. “Will you stay with me?”

The question caught him a little off guard given the circumstances. He assumed you would’ve preferred being alone to collect yourself. “Sure.” Crawling in next to you, he got the sense that you simply craved connection at that moment. It was obvious with how you scooted close to him. 

He wrapped his arms around you and cradled you against him. There were whirlwinds like this when it came to you - a whiplash, even - and yet, he couldn’t help getting caught up in all of it. You were a sweet fragile thing that just wanted to be cared about and loved. Even after these flare-ups in the relationship, you sought him out for comfort, and he gave it to you.

Thumps against his chest reminded him of how much of an effect you had on him. Whether it was positive or negative, you got his heart pumping in a way so few did. Leaning down, he pressed his lips against the top of your head. When you cuddled closer to his chest, he knew he’d become addicted to this wave. The highs and lows, each time they came to a halt they ended with this kind of embrace. He never wanted to let that go, no matter how many times he might say he did. 

“I’ll stay with you,” he whispered to himself.

[jackyjango]

Rage & Serenity- Charles (Part 1)

Charles and Erik oscillate between Rage and Serenity. Only Erik can push Charles into rage and only Charles can pull Erik towards peace. And somewhere between those two, they find love.

Rage & Serenity - Erik (Part 2)

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Charles was alone the first time voices started whispering in his head at the age of ten. HIs Mother had thought him a freak and his Step-father had thought him a monster. It wasn’t until he was twelve, standing across from a blue girl in their massive kitchen, that Charles had learned that he wasn't alone. 

‘You don’t have anyone?’ he’d asked a wide eyed Raven.

‘No,’ she’d said, feigning nonchalance. ‘I’m all by myself.”

‘Well,’ Charles had said then, ‘You’re not alone. Not anymore. Not while I have a say in it.”

He’d vowed to himself that day that he’d do anything to ensure that no child had to resort to stealing for a meal, that no child would have to grow up believing they’re freaks and monsters, that no child would grow up feeling unloved. Even at twelve, he wasn’t vain enough to believe that he could reform the entire world, but if he could help anyone, anywhere, then it would be one less child who would grow up like him.

He graduated school two years ahead of everyone. Charles’ good grades took him to Oxford, where he fell in love with Genetics & Mutant Studies. Then into the cold and churning Atlantic, where he fell in love with Erik.

The same Erik who’s sitting in front of him now, eying Charles like he’s a greater piece of puzzle than the chess game unfolding between them. 

‘You want to open a school,’ Erik says, gaze boring into Charles, ‘Why?’

Coming from Erik, and coming like that, it sounds more like an accusation than a question. Charles grits his teeth.

‘I want to build a safe haven for children, Erik. Both mutant, and human alike.’ Charles adds before turning away from Erik’s gaze. ‘I don’t want any child to grow up unwanted.’ Unloved, he doesn’t say.

Erik’s eyes are still boring into Charles when he looks back. It’s as though Erik can rip open Charles’ soul and consume it with his eye alone. Erik looks at Charles like he knows something Charles doesn’t. Damn that Bastard. 

‘Is it because you don’t want the Children to feel unwanted,’ Erik says at long last, ‘Or because you don’t want to.’

Oh, how dare he! How dare he? Incensed needles prickle beneath Charles’ skin. He wants to hurl something at Erik. Yell at him. Shout at him that it didn’t matter either way, because it doesn’t, but he can’t. Charles feels off-footed, off-balanced, like the last tether holding him in the eye has snapped, pulling him back into a raging storm. His throat feels dry. Suddenly, Charles is a ten year old again, swirling in his Mother’s indifferent thoughts, drowning in his step-father’s repulsive mind. Lost, scared, and alone all over again— prying for his Mother’s attention, following her every footstep, begging to be loved. And angry; so very angry for that.

‘Charles,’ Erik’s faint voice calls out to him through the churning storm. And then, a little stronger, growing in strength, until he’s all but shouting in Charles’ mind. When Charles finally opens his eyes, Erik is still looking at Charles, only now, gaze twined with concern. 

Charles gets up on unsteady legs and slams his lips into Erik’s. Because the alternative would have been setting Erik’s mind ablaze.

Somewhere between kisses pressed into the expanse of Charles’ skin— kisses that feel more like whispers of prayers more than anything else— thrusts that threaten to destroy Charles in more ways than one, and the ever growing presence of Erik in his head, the storm in Charles’ mind simmers down, leaving a gaping void in its wake. 

Filling that void is the steady pulse of Erik’s love and devotion. Like Erik, his love is all consuming, until Charles is all but drowning in its bottomless depths. When Erik presses a soft kiss just over his heart, Charles feels like he can finally breathe again. 

I love you, Erik whispers into his head, his voice soft but unabashed. A sob escapes Charles’ lips, and a tear tears through his cheek.

Me too, Darling. Charles kisses the top of Erik’s head. Me too.

They’ll still up another storm the next day, Charles knows, for now though, he closes his eyes and falls into a peaceful sleep.

-

[winter-soldier-101]

Why me! 2

Word count: 1317

AemondxReader

Aemond has been watching you from afar since the day he told you he would kill you and your babe so you’ve stayed away from him since then.

“Are you going to talk to him?” Rhaenyra asks you.

“How can I talk to him when he told me he would kill me and our babe if the babe didn’t look like him all because he thinks your son Jacerys is the father so you tell me how could I ever look at him the same.” (Y/N) tells Rhaenyra.

“(Y/N) I know what he said to you but he does love you” Rhaenyra tells you.

“He told me that I let your bastard son touch me and of my babe looks like your bastard son he will kill us both that’s truly what he said to me so don’t fucking tell me that he loves me because he doesn’t love or care about me anymore” (Y/N) tells Rhaenyra and walks away from her and everyone else.

“(Y/N)” A voice calls out the voice of the one man she truly trusts.

“Elmo, is that really you?” (Y/N) asks as she holds him tight in a hug.

“How I’ve missed you so I miss seeing you run around Riverrun with Kermit” Elmo tells you as he lets you go.

Elmo Tully is like a second father to (Y/N) when her father died fighting in the StepStones with Prince Daemon, (Y/N) was thankful to Prince Daemon he had brought her fathers body back and paid mother some coin to help with everything.

“I want to go home Elmo” (Y/N) whispers out as she cries in his arms.

“I wish I could take you back home (Y/N) but I don’t want your mother and brothers to be in any danger” Elmo tells you.

“I do not want my child to know his or her father hates them so please if I die on my birthing bed take my child and never let Aemond near him or her” (Y/N) tells Elmo.

“I will do everything I can for you and your baby (Y/N)” Elmo tells you.

Aemond stood behind the wall of the secret passageway as he listened to your conversation.

“When Aemond told me he would kill me and the babe I thought about jumping from Maegor’s tower so we wouldn’t feel unwanted and unloved.” (Y/N) says as tears fall down her face.

Aemond listens to your cries and feels his heart break as you say you wanted to end your life because of what he said.

“(Y/N) it’s okay you can write to me and your mother any time and if you need me I will come.” Elmo tells you.

“I just want to tell the King that Jacerys is the father of my baby and let me and Aemond go away from each other.” (Y/N) tells Elmo.

“(Y/N) no you can not do that the King will punish you if he feels like you abandoned your vowels to Aemond” Elmo tells you.

“I know I just don’t know what to do.” (Y/N) tells him.

Three days later

“I have decided that my daughter and heir Rhaenyra Targaryen will be crowned Queen in a fortnight the ravens have been sent and all Lords and Lady’s shall be in attendance to celebrate their new Queen” Viserys announces to the masses and to his council members some shocked at the news.

“Your Grace, are you sure you don’t want to name your first son Aegon King?” Otto asks Viserys.

“Otto enough of this my daughter will be Queen and that’s final!” Viserys yells out making sure everyone understands.

5 months later

(Y/N) lay in her birthing bed as Maester Mellos tells the midwives to get some water and cloth as you begin to push.

“Princess get ready to push” Maester Mellos tells you as you let out a scream and push.

“One more push Princess” Maester Mellos tells you as you push one more time and stop when you hear a loud cry.

“A boy Princess” Mellos tells you as he shows you your son and gives him to the midwife to clean him up.

“Princess I need you to push one more time” Maester Mellos tells you as you push once again and hear another cry.

“Another boy Princess” Mellos tells you.

“Twins oh my Layla will you get Queen Rhaenyra.” (Y/N) asks her handmaiden.

“Twin boys Aemond” Alicent tells Aemond.

“Yes mother I’ve heard I’ll visit when I’m done training” Aemond tells Alicent as he leaves her alone standing there.

“Should I call you Queen Rhaenyra now” (Y/N) asks Rhaenyra.

“No you don’t have to call me Queen Rhaenyra (Y/N) your my good sister and oh your boys are beautiful (Y/N)” Rhaenyra tells you.

(Y/N) looks at her sons and sees both have white hair and not a single brown hair in sight (Y/N) lets out a little laugh.

“I don’t want him anywhere near my sons” (Y/N) tells everyone in the room as Alicent walks in.

“My dear girl, how are you feeling?” Alicent asks you.

“I’m fine Alicent where is my husband at?” (Y/N) asks Alicent.

“He went to the training yard for a-“ Alicent starts to tell you.

“Yes of course he did let him know he is not allowed in my room and he will not be allowed to see my sons” (Y/N) tells Alicent.

Three days later

(Y/N) holds little Aragon as Aeneys lays still in his bed but a soft knock wakes him (Y/N) puts Aragon down and picks up Aeneys and opens to see Aemond along with Jacerys.

“What are you doing here Aemond?” (Y/N) asks him angrily as Layla waits for you outside.

“Layla come in and take the boys please?” (Y/N) asks Layla.

“I’ve come here to apologize to you and Jacerys and see my sons.” Aemond tells you.

“No they are my sons not yours!” (Y/N) yells at Aemond and tries to close the door on him.

“(Y/N) stop I’m sorry I’m trying to make everything right and make it up to you.” Aemond tells you.

“No you don’t deserve to meet my sons” (Y/N) tells him.

“(Y/N) I’m going to see them so please move?” Aemond asks you.

“No, they are my sons, remember their bastards to you so leave me and my sons alone Aemond.” (Y/N) tells Aemond.

“(Y/N) let me see them now” Aemond says as he pushes the door open and makes way over to the boys.

“No stay away from my sons” (Y/N) says as she pushes Aemond away from the twins.

“(Y/N) enough!” Aemond yells as he pushes you to the floor.

“You will never put your hands on me again. If you do it will be the last time you have hands. Do you understand me?” (Y/N) tells Aemond as she gets up off the floor.

Aemond looks at you shocked as he holds his left cheek.

“You can see Aragon and Aeneys when I feel like you are ready to be their father” (Y/N) tells Aemond.

“You named them with me?” Aemond asks you.

“Yes I named my sons because their father wasn’t there for them when they were born” (Y/N) tells Aemond.

“(Y/N) I’m sorry that I hurt you and I’m sorry about what I said about you and the boys and Jacerys. I'm sorry for what I said about you and my wife and sons” Aemond says to you and Jacerys.

“I appreciate your apology, Aemond but I have not forgiven you yet.” (Y/N) says to Aemond.

“Thank you for apologizing uncle and I’m sorry about all the pain me and Lucerys caused you.” Jacerys apologizes to Aemond.

Taglist: @dc-marvel-girl96 @immyowndefender @izfrogzyy1 @lexi-anastasia-astra-luna @hc-geralt-23

[endversewinchester]

I'm curious about your take on Julian's opinion that Legend doesn't love him.

Say no more anon!

Well to put it simply, Julian is wrong. There are quite a few moments in the story that break from what he believes here to be true (which doesn't mean he's not entitled to his POV).

Let's start at the very beginning, when Dante became magical and immortal. If he lost his love for his brother he wouldn't have offered to turn him or any of the Caraval crew ageless, nor would he have kept them around. We are talking about a man with half the power of every single Fate. He doesn't need anyone to put on a show.

That doesn't mean he can't get caught up in his magic, and in fact it does have the kickback of turning him into a villain the more he plays one. Which is what ended up happening.

The next moment we know of that I can bring up to you is after Rosa died due to Dante's actions. Scarlett has access to that memory through Aiko's journal. Let's see what it says:

"The three women turned as a young man trudged by at the very rear of the procession. His dark hair was not so long and his hands contained no ink from tattoos—no rose for Rosa—but Scarlett recognized him right away. Dante. Just then, Dante’s head cocked in Scarlett’s direction. But his wounded eyes did not fall on her. They roamed the crowd as if hunting. Searching through the thickening curtain of black flower petals. A soft puddle of them formed around Scarlett’s feet, and several petals covered Dante’s eyes as he walked past her. The flowers blinded him from seeing the one person whom Scarlett imagined he’d been looking for, a young man in a velvet-rimmed top hat only a few paces from where she stood."

If he didn't love Julian it wouldn't matter that his brother was upset with him. He wouldn't be hurt, as was the word Stephanie used.

After that they make up, and get matching tattoos to seal that promise. Again, not something he would do if he didn't love his brother and wasn't seeking his forgiveness.

"Then he ripped open the buttons of his shirt. They skittered across the ground as he arched back and stepped away, just enough for the torchlight to reveal what Scarlett had thought was a scar above his heart. But it wasn’t. Fainter than year-old memories, a tattoo in white ink curled near the top of his ribs. A rose.

“It’s a different color, but I’m sure you’ve seen this on Dante,” said Julian"

The next few moments I didn't reach yet on my re-read, so I won't be very specific. But I'll list them out for you:

Refusing to allow Julian to rescue Scarlett with the excuse that if he died he wouldn't come back.

Taking Julian's advice about letting Tella go seriously.

Sacrificed himself to save his brother from the Fallen Star. Risking being trapped for eternity on that account.

Okay, so I established Dante loves Julian. Why does Julian feel it's not true?

Because his brother shuts him out.

Dante is the bastard, unwanted kid of a terrible man. He grew up rough and unloved, and clearly learned to internalize his feelings. We see this in Legendary, when Julian asks him how he feels about Tella and he immediately shuts him out.

“Find her sister.” Dante again. “Get her into Tella’s room at the palace. I don’t want her to wake up alone.”

A pause followed, extended in a way that made Tella fear her hearing had failed her until Julian’s voice broke the quiet. “You really care about her?”

Another pause.

“I care about finding those cards, and she’s our best hope for it, brother.”

I'll bet it was like this their whole lives, because Julian says his brother never loved anyone. Added to him being immortal, Julian has no reason to believe otherwise. So that is why he tells Tella what he does.

So there you go, anon. That's my POV here.

[falloweddoves]

Halsey’s work has always been so incredibly personal to me in ways that I struggle to verbalize. Not just lyrically, but with feelings. It’s like being presented with this gift and being able to peel it back layer from layer to find yourself in it. Being seen by someone else, a peering into my soul.

In “only living girl in LA” they sing: “It's just me, it's just me” towards the end and we go into this incredible build up. I got so emotional listening to the instrumentals, but then her son comes through and shouts, this reminder that it’s not. It’s not just her.

Not alone, not unlovable, not unwanted, not too broken. And I started bawling instantly, like clutching to your chest level release of sobbing. How raw, how real; to be so stuck in your head and body. I am the only one. It’s just me. The world spins on without me.

Then to have this reminder, that little voice coaxing you back from the edge. That you’re their whole world.

Beautiful. Incredible. Soul touching. I’m so thankful I’ve been able to grow older with Halsey. I also didn’t think I’d live past 27, the age creeping up on me in a few months, but now I will. I must.

Let’s go.

[theshotsheardacrossworlds]

Blessing in Disguise

Agneta Wildheart, a war cleric and paladin of Lathander, is rejected by one party member during the tiefling celebration and is shocked to learn she may have actually caught feelings for another. SFW.

Author's Note: Agneta is the version of Agi I have in my playthrough with Dandelo, Agi's in-game FFXIV hubby. She was, as with Agnetha, supposed to romance Astarion, but because of a series of unfortunate events (in which the bite scene never triggered) her approval wasn't high enough and he hilariously rejected her at the party. You all should've seen my fucking face when Astarion was like "LOL NO" to this version of Agi lmao. So now this Agi is going to romance Gale, which has been giving me ideas...

When Agneta Wildheart approached Astarion at the tiefling celebration, she hoped for the best. I think he likes me? We have a good time together. Lots of jokes and little flirting. Even Dandelo said he thinks Astarion likes me too.

“And what’s your definition of ‘a little fun,’ Astarion?” she asked with a smile as he drank more of his wine.

He pursed his lips. “Sex, my dear. Not with you, to be clear. Can you imagine that? Haha!” He then waved at her. “Now, go find someone to bother, Agi. Shoo!”

What. The. Fuck.

Swallowing deeply, she nodded and turned on her heel. Her pale cheeks burned as embarrassment rushed through her.

I…

I didn’t even want to sleep with him? Just sit by the river and talk? Maybe cuddle? Kiss?

But he can’t even imagine that, can he?

Even here, I’m undesirable.

And everyone saw. EVERYONE.

They’re all staring at me.

“Poor Agi, even in the middle of fucking nowhere, no one wants her.”

She felt herself walking away from the party and ignored the calls from Zevlor and Alfira beckoning her back.

It was all a little joke to him, wasn’t it?

Every time I’d smile at him or laugh at his jokes…it was a joke.

I’m the joke.

Everyone thinks I’m a joke.

And I let it happen.

What was I thinking?

Mum taught me better than this.

Far from the Gate and high society, I’m still…

Agneta said heavily on a log, head in her hands as she sobbed.

My Lord, you have illuminated so much of my life, but why not this part of my life? You praise me for the love in my heart, that I freely share…but when it comes to romance, I’m alone and unwanted and unloved.

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

“Oh Agi.”

Those two words spoken by the wizard of Waterdeep caused Agneta to lift her head, tears be damned.

She forced herself to smile and shook her head. “I’m fine. It’s okay. I’m fine—”

Gale gestured to the log. “May I? That is, if you don’t mind the company of course.” When he saw her assent, he walked and sat next to her. When his gaze met hers, he smiled sadly. “Agi, you deserve—”

He never finished.

Agneta threw her long arms around the wizard’s neck and sobbed some more. Gods, I am fucking pathetic. Pathetic. Stupid. I’m so stupid… She was vaguely aware that one of Gale’s hands was cradling the back of her head as she cried into his shoulder, while the other gently held her soft waist. She could not make out exactly what he was saying, but as usual when Gale talks, I simply melt. He’s got a lovely voice. He’s always so nice…and he’s a great cook. Damn. So good.

Unsure of how much time had passed, she raised her head and sniffled. “I’m so sorry.” Sorry for crying? Sorry for being a pathetic thirty-year-old lady whose mother can’t raise her dowry enough? Agneta chuckled, touching the wet spot on the shoulder of his purple camp clothes. “Sorry. I got you all wet.”

Gale smiled reassuringly. “Oh, it’s alright. Nothing a little prestidigitation can’t fix.” He muttered the spell under his breath, and the wet patch dried immediately. Ooooooooh. Maybe Gale can teach me that. “There.” With the back of the knuckles, he wiped away the remaining tears from her cheeks. “There.” Is it me, or is all the heat in my body rushing to my face? “You deserve so much better than him, Agi. I haven’t known you for long, but I know this to be true. The one whose heart you’ll eventually hold should consider themselves lucky, no blessed, to have the love of such a brave, beautiful, kind, intelligent, and often quite humorous woman.”

Agneta struggled to keep her breathing even as her heart raced. “Often quite humorous?”

He hummed. “Oh yes.” Gods, when he smiles, his eyes crinkle…and it’s cute. “Has no one told you that you’re incredibly funny and charming?”

Wrinkling her nose, she giggled. “Does my mum count?”

That earned her a hearty laugh. “No! No! No! No, your mother doesn’t count! By Eliminster’s beard, gods no! Agi, surely there have been—"

As her face flushed hotter, she shook her head. “I’ve been courted officially once, and it ended badly.” Stop talking!! “I’ve had such shit luck with love, and everyone in Baldur’s Gate knows that Mum can’t pay enough for a man to marry me.”

That’s it.

Yes, I liked Astarion a bit.

But he was only one in a long line of rejections.

Just one more added onto the pile.

That, combined with the stress from this “adventure,” is making me feel worse when I suppose I don’t think I should. Remember what Da said, “The Morninglord says there’s always another dawn. For me, there’s always another fish.”

Oh man, I could really go for some fish and chips right now.

Gale cleared his throat, smiling nervously. “You do realize you’ve been, erm, how shall I put this, well…broadcasting your thoughts to me?”

“Oh no.”

O Lathander, smite your favorite Dawnbringer with your radiance for she is a fucking idiot who is dumbass’ing her way through the Sword Coast.

I can still hear you, Agi.

“SHIT! I’m so sorry. Maybe I should go…or make a sleeping draught and hope the ground swallows me…” Agneta leaned away from him, causing him to frown and show off those sad puppy eyes. FUCK. FUCK. GODSDAMNIT GALE. You can’t just do that! “I’m such a fuckup. I’m sorry.”

Gently but firmly, the wizard took her hands in his. “Agi, look at me.”

No, I can’t.

Yes, you can. Look at me.

You don’t understand. I’ve messed this up so badly, and I—

You’ve done no such thing. Now please, look at me. Please.

She turned her head towards him, tears falling freely. Her light brown eyes met his, and she was not shocked to see his warm expression. “Looking.” She teased softly.

However, she was shocked when he playfully rolled his eyes then winked at her.

OH.

“Now, as I said, you’ve done nothing wrong. You’re not a fuckup or anything of that sort. I’d, erm, very much like to…” Aw he’s doing the cute head tilt from side to side. “Sit with you awhile. Enjoy the rest of the evening.”

She nodded. “Yes. I’d like that very much.”

The pair spent the rest of the party by the river, side by side.

Hand in hand.

Much later, as she drifted off to sleep, Agneta had a realization that hit her like a ton of bricks.

I loved it when he held me. Less so that he was holding me while I was crying but anyways…

He’s sweet, kind, polite, smart, funny, brilliant, handsome…

He’s everything I’ve ever dreamt of.

I think I’m in love with a wizard.

[trickstarbrave]

So.

In Tamriel rebuilt there’s a quest called “a nameless Dunmer”

Guy was found abandoned in bruma and didn’t know who his parents were but does a ritual to get in contact with an ancestor ghost

I decided that Nerevar is haunting Steren already. And Steren has gone to the main land and I wanted him to find stuff in Tamriel rebuilt (like the book from house Dagoth members before they’re killed)

I’m wondering if this ritual didn’t happen to Steren too. Like he requests it like favryn did. It’s not that hard to get stuff for it it’s 3 ectoplasm and 3 bone meal. But the thing is idk what will happen bc Nerevar’s ghost is already there he just can’t see or hear him. Is it Azura making him silent? Or is it the trauma in Nerevar making him unable to actually make his presence known?

I think Steren is sad walking around necrom and seeing ancestor ghosts look at him and turn away. He wants to know if he has family in the catacombs. If he has ancestors that want to hear from him. If it’s right for him to call upon any of them for protection.

I think Steren goes to do the ritual and morvani (Voryn’s mom) was going to answer the call but Nerevar stops the ritual. He doesn’t want Steren being outed as a dagoth. Morvani’s ghost fades just as soon as it started appearing before them. Steren doesn’t know what he did wrong or if he’s that unwanted. The priest is confused, something interfered. He wonders if Steren is cursed and tries to bless him only to see a apparition of st Nerevar hovering over him protectively and that confuses the priest more. The priest can’t hear anything but Steren hears a whisper.

“My little star, you aren’t alone. Hush, don’t cry, you aren’t unloved. Let’s get somewhere private. I want to speak with you alone.” So Steren excuses himself and leaves to go out into the wilderness to talk and Nerevar is there as a faint ghost. One Steren can see. And he has questions like who this ghost is and why the ritual stopped only for Nerevar to reveal: it was working. He sent the ancestor ghost away.

Steren: what?! Why?!?!

Nerevar: … because she would have revealed you are from house Dagoth

Steren:

Nerevar: if the priest heard… I don’t want to think what might happen to you. She came as she was called though, wanting to see you, but it wasn’t safe.

Steren: I’m….

Steren: but then… who are you?

Nerevar: … Indoril Nerevar Mora.

By this point Steren knows he might be the Nerevarine but he went to the main land to clear his head and try to unpack all of that. The weird dreams and strange situations and weight of prophecy is too much for him atm. And it seems he couldn’t run away from his problems. But he thinks Azura sent Nerevar to watch over him and Nerevar doesn’t correct him

I think it’s only after Steren puts on the ring that he fully gets his memories of his first lifetime back. Including the traumatic ones from his early life. And he remembers ppl from house Dagoth trying to protect their young heir—Voryn Dagoth’s only child—and he remembers being older and trying to figure out who he was in house Dagoth and who his other parent was bc Vivec sure as shit wouldn’t tell him anything and told him to stop asking questions

But then he looks at the ring and. He knows he’s not Nerevar. He can’t be Nerevar. He remembers a life before this. He remembers “uncle Nerevar” who was there in his earliest possible memories consistently. He can’t be Nerevar’s reincarnation. But then why is he able to wear the ring? So he demands answers.

And Nerevar has to then tell him he was never just Voryn’s friend. He was so close to Steren bc Steren was his son too—but he could never be open about it. He couldn’t protect Steren. Steren was a young, delicate child, and of Nerevar looked away even for a moment someone would try and kill him just to spite Nerevar and he’d never be able to live with the guilt. So Voryn raised him alone and every few knew that secret. But he notified the enchantment on his ring so his children and descendants could wear it and that included Steren before and as he is now. He entrusted the ring to alandro to give to his son in case something happened to him in the battle but the temple killed everyone from house Dagoth and said while they spared some children they killed Voryn’s heir. So alandro gave it to Azura in her secret shrine for safe keeping in what would be renamed the cavern of the incarnate

I might change this but I like it. It’s tragic.

[the-silent-voices]

Dreams

I love him in my own way. Not necessarily romantically, but above all as a person. He is kind, an amazing person. There’s something broken inside him, yet he keeps going. I admire him. I want to be close. I want to make him happy when he feels sad. I want to encourage him when he wants to give up. I don’t want anything from him—maybe just for him to let me stay close.

You return to my life for a few hours, but you're only a shadow of what I once longed for. I was sure I had let you go so that I could finally be happy too, and yet it seems I’ve fallen into the same situations… Will I ever learn? Probably not. But loving is a part of life. So is dreaming.

I feel a connection with him, something deep and unspoken. I can’t describe it, but I sense that he feels it too. We don’t want to change it—or maybe I would, but I’m too scared. He doesn’t change it either, so maybe it’s for the best. I love him in my own broken way. Not like I loved you—back then, you were home. You were everything. And now, I no longer have the courage to love with such abandon. It hurts the soul too much.

If I can just brighten his day, it will be a success—a small victory. That’s what life is about, isn’t it?

I’m afraid of loneliness. Terrified that I’ll stay alone—broken, unwanted, unlovable. I’m scared to fall into the darkness of my own mind. I want colors, scents, images, sounds, melodies. I want hope that it will get better. I want to know that I’ll make it.

But you won’t tell me that. And neither will he. And even if you did, I probably wouldn’t believe you.

Tell me, when will I really let you go? When will I truly understand that some people are meant to stay only in our hearts and memories?

[siriuslysatorusimping]

Happy (AO3) Anniversary to Another Level! 🎉 (and a long-ass Kiko rant bc who would I be without those?)

If you haven't already, you can read Another Level on AO3. I'm slowly posting the installments here on Tumblr as well 💕

I posted Make A God Bleed exactly a year ago and I never imagined that it would become what it has. Honestly, I created Rinko on a whim and she took on a life of her own that I’m so grateful for. I love our lil corner. I’ve loved pretty much every moment we’ve had here.

I wouldn’t have survived 236 without Rinko and our corner. I wouldn’t have gotten through it without all of you here, sharing my rage and my anger. And I wouldn’t have gotten through all the shit going down now, either.

But I told my best friend a few months ago that I truly never would have found the courage to finally get out of my toxic, loveless marriage if I hadn’t realized that I was writing a lot of Rinko and Satoru’s relationship the way that I so desperately wished my marriage was: one filled with mutual respect and love. Two people who love each other despite the hardships, through the hardships, and facing everything that comes at them together. Loving each other even when it’s hard. Working to be better for themselves and for each other. That’s love. Sometimes it’s easy and sometimes it’s hard, but at the end of the day, it should never feel lonely. It should never leave you feeling unwanted or unlovable or like a burden. It should never leave you feeling hopeless. It should never make you feel like you’re on an island all alone while you’re sitting right next to someone who claims to love you.

*tw for trauma dump, discussion of emotional abuse

When I finally told my ex-husband that I wanted a divorce, it was in response to his threat with it. Since we got married, in almost any disagreement or argument we had, he would attempt to end it by threatening me with, “Do you want to end up divorced? Because this is how we end up divorced." When I finally told him that yes, I did want to get divorced, he listed all the reasons he believed we couldn't. After he'd given a laundry list of reasons, all of which included what others would say or think, I realized and pointed out that he hadn't once said he wanted to stay married because he loved me and wanted to be with me.

He didn't want to stay married to me. He just didn't want to be divorced. To him, marriage was a status symbol, not love. To him, divorce was a threat and a weapon to keep me in line - to keep me from disagreeing with him. As if living life married to someone who threatened divorce instead of being willing to discuss and resolve our problems, someone who didn't want to go to marriage counseling because he didn't want 'homework' and didn't want to 'listen to a stranger tell him what to do,' someone who swore at me and called me names and treated me like a child when he was upset, someone who threw things at me and waved objects in my face and broke things when he was angry, someone who said that I never took responsibility for my actions but always blamed his own on me, was somehow better than being alone for the rest of my life.

I'm not perfect. I'll never claim to be perfect or blameless. There are absolutely ways I could have been better in my marriage and in life. But I finally realized that no matter my flaws, nothing excuses the way he treated me. Nothing excuses the number of times he purposefully made me wish I was dead; the number of times he glared at me with something so close to hatred while I had a panic attack and accused me of faking it to make him feel sorry for me; the number of times he stormed out and left me wondering if my existence in his life was truly so awful that it would be better if I was gone forever; the number of times that I had to sit alone in a room, sobbing as I tried to convince myself that dying wasn't the solution while my husband told me he wouldn't comfort me because I didn't deserve it. He told me that my years of therapy had done nothing for my mental health, but the fact that I'm still breathing proves him wrong.

I didn't do it alone. I had so much help. I had my therapist, my best friend, my family, my friends, and Rinko and all of you in our lil corner. So, thank you all again from the bottom of my heart.

Our Goinko has become so much more than I ever imagined. From Another Level to Physical Paradox to Gokudō, I genuinely love that so many people adore these two idiots as much as I do. It makes my heart jump every time someone tells me they’re rereading Another Level or that it’s their comfort because, in all honesty, it’s mine, too. It's incredible to see that people are still finding it and reading it for the first time. Seeing comments from people who binged it all in one night makes my entire day.

I’ve been so busy lately with my new job and trying to navigate what my life is now that I’m divorced that I really don’t have that much time to write, but I promise I’m still here. I will finish Physical Paradox, and I will finish Gokudō. And then I just might pick up my original work again and maybe get it published someday.

Hopefully, I’ll have an update of some kind for something soon, but we’ll see. I’ve decided to try to quit pressuring myself so much.

Thank you all again for being part of our lil corner and this incredible journey over the past year. I couldn’t have made it this far without you, and I’m so excited to see what this next year brings!

Also, a side note: my birthday is next week, and I’m going to have dinner and cake with my parents tonight to celebrate a bit early. I’m excited about my birthday for the first time since before I got married. I’m happy with where I am and with my life. My mother pointed out that she hadn’t heard me say that I was happy in years.

Sorry for this hella long rant, but I appreciate you reading it.

Much love to you all, and I hope you have a wonderful day/night!!

💕 Kiko