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harlothane · 3 months ago

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Theon and Fear - And at the end of fear...

George R R Martin’s ASOIAF focuses on the "human heart at war with itself". In doing so, it provides a compelling, complex and deeply touching exploration of human emotions. One of the dominant emotions the characters are faced with is fear.

I especially love how fear is shown in Theon's storyline. His backstory and the events unfolding in his six Clash of Kings chapters and seven Dance with Dragons chapters, taken alone, constitute a raw, emotional and unsettling account on the many faces of fear. What it does to people. How it changes them, motivates them, corrupts them and may regenerates them.

“Can a man still be brave if he’s afraid?”

“That is the only time a man can be brave.”

There is no need for a long look at Theon’s storyline to see in which ways Eddard Stark’s infamous moral lesson applies to his struggles. Here is a character that commits crimes in the beginning of his storyline, goes through hell because of his misguided choices (led by his fear), finds his courage as he faces true terror and accomplishes one of the most selfless and brave acts in the series to save a girl.

I do feel like I’m missing pieces of the puzzle writing that, aren’t I?

The misstep, I think, is to draw too hastily a parallel between Theon and the other Winterfell boys around his age – Robb and Jon (it's a common issue in fandom and actually had a negative impact on the reading of Theon's storyline, I think. Read : x).

Unlike them, at the beginning of the story, Theon already knows fear. Both Jon and Robb had a decent, secure childhood. While Jon surely has grounds to feel dissatisfied with what life has to offer a bastard like him, he did not grow up in fear. At the age of nine, he probably had faced rejection, loneliness and disdain. But not true, traumatizing fear like nine-year old Theon had to.

19 year-old Theon in Winterfell has already been scarred by fear. He is not a knight of summer in that regard, as his entire personality is a product of fear, to the point where it becomes hard to pinpoint what his true self consists of exactly (that becomes evident as we are invited to his internal monologue in Clash, which is full of inconsistencies, rewrites and contradictions related to the way he sees himself).

We know for certain that, as the story begins, Theon is already familiar with the fear of rejection and humiliation (inflicted by his brothers and felt as an outsider in the North), the fear of losing his loved ones and his home (inflicted by war and the soldiers fighting that war) and some repressed kind of fear related to Euron and possibly his magic. He’s been abused and is still suffering from the lingering fear of death, cultural isolation/exclusion and loneliness.

What fascinates me with this storyline especially is that there is never an easy answer. It is a feature of ASOIAF as a whole, to be frank. I suppose that as a horror genre lover, I am especially drawn to the way Theon's story deals with fear. How it corrupts, how it paralyzes, how it regenerates.

Fear as corruption.

Theon, a “shy” child, “in awe” of his brothers, has crafted a personality to guard himself against the threats most frightful to him (humiliation, being unloved and unwanted, abandonment).

A personality that existed to guard himself against the world and more precisely, the men in power who could use him. A personality tailored to please his captors and his father, the ones his life depended on. His clothes, in this regard, are another part of the armor. Their purpose is to please, seduce or appease the ones whose approval Theon needs at the moment (though I truly do believe he likes his velvelt and silks, he still immediately suggests his father that he would change it if it would please him).

Living with those fears of being unloved and unwanted changed him profoundly as harrowing experiences always do. Fear is the one constant in his early life. His personality developed around it.

Theon mimics Dagmer Cleftjaw’s smiles because the warrior was one of the bravest men he knew in his early days and a hostage far from home needs to channel that tough, invulnerable spirit.

Theon was a child who lived in awe of his violent brothers, so as a young man he acts accordingly, as if spilling blood makes you worthy, as if life were a game to win no matter the cost for the weak and innocent (no matter the price children and mothers pay, no matter the price he himself paid for his father’s ambition!).

I know the Theon we meet in Clash isn’t the most agreeable person ever. It’s the point.

In truth, he is a hardly a person. As in, a human entity with consistent memories to ground him (even before Dance, he represses memories, seems to have forgotten a great deal about the Iron Islands and I believe we may learn more about this in Winds), and autonomous desires and hopes (in spite of himself, he is constantly trying to fit the expectations of the men he fears/wants to emulate – Eddard and Balon).

Even the way he expresses his sexual/sensual desires feels at times as a performance meant to impress or prove a point… read : x or x).

He doesn’t even have a future, and he knows that deep down. As Robb is crowned though and devise a plan with him to ally himself with the Islands, Theon’s hopes rose up and that is how suddenly there was in the sky a comet that heralded his bright future.

He seems like a “closed book” to the world around him, but he was more of a blank page, really.

A mess of fears stitched together with a smile. Fear really is the constant.

What would you do, if you were constantly afraid? Cut from the rare people and places that gave you a sense of security?

What would you do, if – that’s the greatest irony – you were surrounded by people who thought of you as a thing to be feared, an animal to be tamed.

Interestingly, Theon is known to be brave in battle, perhaps even reckless. Robb states it plainly: “Theon has fought bravely for us.” Dagmer Cleftjaw knows Theon “is no craven”. In Winterfell, he is ready to die with the few men who stayed with him.

Being shaped by fear did not make him a coward. It made him desperate and unreasonable. For one, Theon knows fear intimately and there is no greater terror than the unknown, after all. He knows war. He knows death. He is still haunted by the battle of Pyke.

Still, he is eager to march with Robb’s army. Still, he wishes he could have faced Jaime Lannister on the battlefield. And still, he would have died for Robb, he would have died for his father.

He shouldn’t be so eager to march with an army led by the people who hurt his own family so deeply. War traumatized him already. It separated him from his family. It obliterated his future, destroyed his prospects. But his fear of humiliation, rejection, loneliness – it overtakes all. Then again, I understand that Theon in Clash can be difficult to empathize with to some, but if you read his reaction with the knowledge that this is a person who is constantly in a state of true, agonizing fear, I think it changes your perspective a little.

The horrible outcome of all this is that by trying so desperately not to be seen as a weak thing people can use for their political gain, Theon becomes it. For Ramsay and Roose. That is not karma. That is the definition of a tragedy.

It has been said before: Ramsay is a secondary-(tertiary) character, he exists to embody Theon’s worst sins and fears. That is his nightmare, breathing and living and flaying every piece of a carefully crafted personality Theon made in the North to stop being afraid, to reclaim power and control over his fate.

Fear didn’t allow him to be brave. It made him desperate, easy to manipulate. He takes Winterfell in a foolish attempt to be the person he thinks he must become. The self-made Prince. The heir who returned in glory. A worthy son of Balon Greyjoy.

That is the story he tells himself and others. In truth, it becomes apparent he took Winterfell in a desperate attempt to make his “almost-home” his at last.

In a desperate attempt to belong somewhere he could have everything – power and recognition and love. It is the type of extreme decision you make when you let fear overtake your reason. Any other choice would have been more reasonable. It wouldn’t have saved him from fear, though.

Most of Theon’s bad choices are a result of fear. It made him crave power with the same intensity as he secretly wanted love and recognition. In Clash, Winterfell itself, the castle, its people, embody his fear of rejection, of being unloved and unwanted. He represses it. Until he can't escape it even in his dreams.

The two desires, to have agency/power and love, clash violently in Winterfell, an arc in which Theon’s starts to completely unravel as he does everything in his power to be a hard man like his father, like Eddard (no matter how contradictory), while spying the tiniest hint of affection or gratefulness in his captives’ eyes.

After all, in his own experience, it is possible for a captive to admire and crave his captor’s love.

To want to help them. To be part of their family. And he seemed to expect the same from the people of Winterfell. Even in Dance (because torture doesn’t erase your past trauma!), he still believes he could have reasonably expected them to help him

His constant fear has twisted his view on loyalty (you cannot be loyal to someone who imprisons you), love and desire (he links lust and violence), power and justice (“hard men rule the world”).

It corrupts his desires, even. Of all the sexual encounters, or thoughts, he has, none seems genuine with the exception of Esgred, who is not a real person but the embodiment of the nonchalant, confidant attitude he wishes he could adopt as easily. She is everything he cannot be. She belongs. She commands respect. She has a family. And as she divulges her real identity to him, Asha becomes someone to fear. She is in his place. She is him, the heir, the son, while he is nothing and nobody.

Fear as a paralyzer

It is not surprising that Theon would smother from early on the parts of his personality that made him sensitive to fear.

His need to belong brings only fear (he will never be part of the Stark family, but he still dreams of it until he buries that dream as well).

His empathy brings only fear (he demonstrates in Dance his ability to connect with broken people used by the ones in power he could have shared experiences with but couldn’t because of his fear of humiliation).

It shows one limit to Eddard’s reasoning. Fear, sometimes, changes you in such a way that it hinders your ability to be brave (as in, to make the most moral choice against your own immediate interest).

Growing up with constant fear drove Theon to stifle his empathy, making it hard for him to protect other people, as you would expect from a prisoner whose life is a bargaining chip that hinges on his father’s and his captor’s will, from a man who cannot even help himself.

Growing up in constant fear jeopardized Theon’s ability to make long-term, realistic plans for his future, as he barely has any stable support to hold onto. His entire existence does not belong to him. NB: In this regard, it is logical that most characters he is paralleled with throughout his story (Jeyne P, Barbrey, the dead lady Hornwood, Holly who has the same cocky smile and arrogance as his old self, Alannys with her white hair and even Dany…) are women, who are more likely to be stripped of agency, must fight to claim autonomy and struggle to regain a semblance of control over their destiny.

He has many faults, though it cannot be said in my opinion that he did have a good choice to make and that he simply chose wrong by trying to please his father. There were only bad roads that led to imprisonment, death or ruin for him. Theon realizes this in Dance: he cannot bring himself to imagine a bright future. No, he regrets not to have died with Robb. He knows his path was filled with fear either way.

Fear is a paralyzer. It does, in a sense, alter Theon’s capacity to grow and evolve.

Fear makes him an apt survivor (he’d survive a horror movie in messy “final girl” fashion), with a great potential for adaptation. But it corrupted him in the process. Led him to embrace a (faux) cynical attitude, to be over-zealous with his own captors to the point of risking his life for them and most of all, to opt for cruelty over mercy contrary to his own (sometimes contradictory) values – in Winterfell, he hurt others, and it haunts him, but he stands by his choices.

His fear of being mocked, used and humiliated drowns every other motivator.

He is so afraid to be seen as he thinks the men of the world want to paint him: a weak creature to be used. Someone who needs to bargain and submit to keep his life. It is rather in line with his way of thinking that he would consider himself a whore after Ramsay subjected him to his power and abuse in Dance.

“Only a fool humbles himself when the world is so full of men eager to do that job for him.”

That’s it, that’s the philosophy. Theon has his moments of incredible self-awareness, and this is one, hidden beneath some moral lesson as a pretext.

It shows that:

He has a bleak, but rather realistic view relating to most men in power. They will abuse it. They will humiliate the weakest. They will do so eagerly.

He hasn’t met Ramsay at that point. He may instead be thinking of his brothers, of the lords who humiliated his defeated father, of his own father maybe, or perhaps (in my opinion) Euron.

His arrogance is a deliberate strategy designed to avoid the fate reserved to the most fragile people.

He doesn’t judge the men who abuse their power but doesn’t seem to view them in a positive light. Still, consciously or not, Theon sometimes acts like those men. Since he is mostly deprived of real political or military power, he does it in the context of his sexual relationships (that deserves an analysis, especially regarding how sexuality in his chapters is so often if not always depicted in a negative, degrading manner.). It’s a “eat or be eaten” kind of mentality he is struggling with during his Clash arc.

Fear instructs him to repress the slightest sign of weakness. There cannot be true loyalty, love or desire in such a state. You survive. You are barely living. You just survive.

The rare sincere relationships he forms are short-lived – Patrek Mallister is the son of an enemy family; Robb Stark cannot ever be his equal; his bond with Asha is poisoned by envy and fear, again, of his place being stolen by her.

Theon’s mind favors denial/dissociation and repression as a defense mechanism. It doesn't exactly help him to form sincere relationships with people. It’s a motif throughout his storyline that echoes the stakes relating to Ironborn culture in the story (they must remember their history or they’re condemned to repeat it – that’s the symbolic role of Rodrik the Reader in Asha’s storyline).

Most times, he tends to rewrite reality - consciously or not. Of course, he will be welcomed by Balon Greyjoy! Of course, his traditionalist father will agree to submit to Robb Stark! Of course, he, the hostage, will be given Asha's place that she (of course!) stole from him! Of course, he is destined to be one of those hard men who rule the world, not an eternal victim! Of course, he is not afraid, and even if he is, even brave men feel agonizing fear about other men seeing their weaknesses!

We soon discover how fragile this mechanism really is. The façade cracks more often than Theon would like. There are many instances of this, especially in his conversation with Dagmer ("I know you are no craven" "Does my father?") and Rodrik Cassel ("The noose I wore was not made of hempen rope but it chafed, it chafed me raw"). Worst of all, he allows Reek/Ramsay to amplify his fear. When I write "allow", I do not mean he did it on purpose naturally. But he is the one who freed Reek/Ramsay. He opened the door to a living nightmare. Reek/Ramsay quite literally haunts him in his Clash chapters.

What he cannot rewrite, Theon represses. It does not seem like it at first glance because he is prone to reckless decisions. It can lead one to categorize him as a vain egomaniac, not as a repressed person. His promiscuity doesn’t help, since we are wired to associate repression and modesty.

It is true terror that he is obligated to repress - and it is what comes flowing unbridled as he loses his armor in Dance. This kind of dread is mostly associated with Ramsay (there are so many instances I won't even go into it) and, well, Euron (the slight unease Theon felt about his uncle during ACOK can - and must - certainly be revisited with our current knowledge about him, the fact that in ASOS it is established that Theon revealed awful details about his uncle to Robb, and the now evident parallels between Aeron and Theon).

Fear as a regenerative force

In Dance, the "dread" Theon feels in the crypt of Winterfell is "familiar". And I think you can see it as his fear of being unwanted. Of belonging nowhere.

It makes sense: Theon fears what he truly is. A prisoner, a scared child and a pawn for men to use in their plans. It is the truth he can never escape, no matter how perfectly he plays the Hard Powerful Masculine Man.

Fear pursues him all his life. It is only when he has no fear left to feel (it was all spent in a cell of the Dreadfort; all his fear is caught by Ramsay, who is the embodiment of Theon’s insecurities) that he shows his more empathetic and gentle nature – although he still feels anger, bitterness and the occasional dread, of course.

Still, it is not a bed of roses. Theon is certainly more sincere. He is not putting on a performance for himself. When he lies, he is terribly conscious of it. He doesn’t manage to repress his traumatic memories anymore. It all comes back, flooding. Even such buried memories as the ones related to Euron.

In a way, Winterfell acts in his story as the theatre scene, the place where you can finally be yourself. I wrote a bit about this here. It serves as a catharsis for Theon. In Winterfell, he is able to find pieces of himself. Pieces he had forgotten. He starts to remember the childhood he had buried ("A son of the Islands" / the Euron related reaction in Winds).

Fear had been eating away at him. Fear had been controlling him, at times. Not that he wasn't responsible, but he certainly let himself be overcome by his crippling fear of humiliation (which, sidenote, I don't believe stems only from his status as a hostage but that is another story).

Fear had been breaking him piece by piece since childhood. Just like the rat he eats at the start of Dance - it had been eating him first! He had to defend himself against the threats even if it meant hurting and killing in the process.

It is in Winterfell that he finally confront his fears - that he meets the one essential fear he had been trying to escape: himself.

The lies become a motif, even. “False is all you were.” Theon never lied as a manipulator would, though. Most times, he does not seem to understand the coherence (or lack thereof) of his own actions – which is also a side effect of fear (or to be precise, the fear caused by childhood mistreatment). It causes confusion, alters your awareness and hinders such abilities as analysis and planning.

However flawed Theon was, he was a prince, he was a warrior and a friend, he was handsome, he took care of his clothes and weapons, he saw a comet and decided it shone for him. He wasn’t much of a real, sincere, coherent person, but it was the most functional version of himself he managed to be in his situation.

The man he pretended to be could never have survived the Dreadfort, though. He had to disappear. Was he even real? The façade barely made it through his Prince of Winterfell era. Chances are, had he escaped Ramsay, Theon would still have been forced to confront his true self one way or another.

He is stripped from all his usual defense mechanisms in a horrific torture labyrinth. He becomes the weak thing he always feared he’d be seen as. He cannot hide. He cannot lie. He cannot even smile.

Every single fear he ever had becomes his new reality.

Humiliation: check.

Being controlled and used as a thing: check.

Mockery and disregard: check.

Friendless and abandoned: check.

To escape from fear, he can only repeat the partition he learnt as a child hostage: apply the rules of the people who can cut off your head at any time, and be the well-behaved prisoner so you can rise again later and impress every the ones in power who can share their power with you (a very Ironborn strategy, actually).

Except, there is no escape this time. The flaying knife has cut through the armor Theon had crafted for himself. He has no way out (another motif throughout his storyline). He has no secrets left and no smile to hide behind. He cannot forget his status as Ramsay’s pet by exerting power onto others. He is the very last creature on the food chain this time.

And so, there is nothing to fear anymore.

The Dance chapters are filled with terror and dread, until Theon pieces himself together. Then he regains some composure, purpose and faith, even. He finds his courage within himself, where it always existed, in truth. And, in Jeyne, he finds a motivation. Saving her, a child prisoner, abused and terrorized, he also saves what little of himself he can.

The only time he can truly be brave is when he doesn’t have to fear becoming fully himself at last. Whatever that means, in the end. At the end of fear, something must remain. Something must be rebuilt. Piece by piece.

#theon greyjoy #asoiaf #a song of ice and fire #it's not really meta #more like scattered thoughts #valyrianscrolls #asoiaf epiphany

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demigod-shenanigans · 4 months ago

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While I’m on the topic of Valgrace adopting a child, this is Sofía:

Some lore:

When Jason and Leo are in their late twenties/early thirties a demigod legacy leaves a baby at the entrance of the Waystation. The decision to adopt her is easy—they’d been thinking about adoption anyway. Besides, Jason has been the abandoned child before and Leo obviously isn’t fond of the foster system and knows exactly what it’s like to feel unwanted by a foster family. They’ve both felt so lost and alone and unloved in the past and they immediately vow that they’ll do everything in their power to make sure this little girl won’t ever feel like that.

They name her Sofía Esperanza Valdez. Sofía because it’s one of the names they both liked and Leo decides she just looks like a Sofía, and Esperanza obviously in honor of Leo’s mom. Jason is the one to gently suggest using it as a middle name, stating that if names have power, there’s nothing quite as powerful as hope, and Leo immediately starts crying. (He knew he wanted to honor his mom in some way. He just didn’t bring it up because he was terrified that the baby sharing a name with his mom after what happened to her might be bad luck. But Jason is right that hope was the thing that saw them through when nothing else would, making it a name that’s fundamentally very positive. Besides, Leo’s mom was so much more than her death. She was smart and brave and stubborn and loved with all her heart. She managed to find happiness, even in the difficult times. All of these are good things.)

Me and @queenjunothegreat have been waffling back and forth about this girl for weeks, there is so much lore I’ll probably need a lot of posts for all of it (or asks, if anyone wants to know anything specific please feel free to send asks)

For now, have some additional Sofía fun facts (under the cut so people who aren’t interested can scroll past more easily):

-She’s a legacy of Luna, the faded Titaness of the moon. Piper thinks it’s hilarious that wolf boy somehow ended up with a moon child and jokes about it a lot.

-When she wouldn’t sleep as a baby Jason would rock her while levitating up and down the hallway. They’re not sure why, exactly, but this almost always worked.

-Sofía’s first word is papa, which is not, in fact, the Spanish word for dad that Jason was going for but instead means either pope or potato (depending on how it’s gendered). The word for dad is papá, which is similar-ish but emphasizes the ending instead of the beginning. Adult Jason’s Spanish is decent but he got it mixed up which part needed to be emphasized and taught her wrong. Leo absolutely explodes into laughter when he hears it and it’s one of his favorite stories to tell for years. Every time someone asks about her first word he lights up like a Christmas tree. Jason is mortified but the whole thing brings Leo so much joy that maybe the embarrassment was worth it.

-Leo is always building her stuff to play with. Sofía is the kind of kid that brings some new toy to kindergarten/school at least once a week because Leo cannot tell her no for shit.

-Leo is usually the one who stays up at night with Sofía when she’s a toddler. Due to the whole moon child thing, she’s a terrible sleeper (good luck waking her in the morning) but Leo doesn’t really mind. He’s just tinkering away at some project that he’d probably be working on at that time anyway as his very awake kid toddles about and they’re both perfectly content with it. They fall asleep on the couch together watching TV the next morning, and Jason just smiles and gets a blanket to put over Leo’s knees.

-Her and Leo definitely bake together and it usually comes out well but the kitchen is always a huge mess after. One time she insisted her dad help her make a birthday cake for her papá’s birthday but Jason cannot cook or bake to save his life and it was a complete disaster.

-Sofía has no concept of fall damage. Absolutely none. Will climb up anywhere no matter how high and jump off with zero hesitation because there’s never been a time when her dad hasn’t caught her (either personally via flying up or with the winds). Leo is way more anxious about this than Jason, which seems strange until you consider that Jason is married to Leo and has had to catch him plenty of times in the past, but while Leo worries about Jason sometimes, he’s never really had to worry specifically about Jason falling from high places before. But obviously, unlike Jason, Sofía can’t fly.

-When she’s annoyed, she scowls in a way that’s almost comically similar to Jason.

#valgrace #jason grace #leo valdez #heroes of olympus #hoo #leo x jason #jason x leo #esperanza valdez #pjo next gen #ToA #trials of apollo

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addictt-with-a-pen · 8 months ago

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no one is ever going to want someone as broken and defective as I am, I will never be loved or cared for.

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demi-flower-prince · 2 months ago

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Am I the only one who has not committed suicide yet just because I know the pain this would give to my mother?

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lilmisschaotic · 5 months ago

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Fragments of Trust and Moonlit Desires | Kol Mikaelson

{Oneshot} Pairing: Kol Mikaelson x salvatore!Reader Summary: You got into a heated argument with your two older brothers. The confrontation swirled up unwanted emotions causing you to feel used and unloved. You fled from home for alone time. Kol was there to comfort you through the pain. Word Count: 2k Warnings: Mental breakdown(?)

The tension in the Salvatore mansion was palpable, as it crackled like static in the air. There you stood in the center of the living room, that once radiated warmth. However, as of lately the feeling is just a distant memory. Your heart was pounding in your chest, a lump stuck in the back of your throat as you faced your two brothers. The room has become a battlefield of emotions.

Damon’s voice was sharp, his frustration evident. “You don’t understand the dangers, and you keep acting like you’re invincible. We’re trying to protect you!"

“Protect me?” You laughed bitterly, a tear slipping down your cheek.

"You’ve been treating me like a pawn in your game! You use me whenever it’s convenient for you, but…" your voice quiets down as you continue. "But when I need something, need the support and comfort from my brothers. You’re nowhere to be found.” As a stream of tears runs down your face non-stop.

Stefan's face softened, his gaze filled with guilt. “That’s not true. We care about you, more than you know.”

Damon’s expression shifted, frustration mixing with a hint of remorse. "It’s not always easy, and it’s not always perfect, but what Stefan said is true. We do care.”

"Care? Your way of caring is remarkable. Is caring treating me like a pawn in your game?! Or the way you're using me as a shield for your own agendas!” You angrily picked up the nearest Bourbon bottle.

“It's always where's Elena?!” Smash “Elena this!” Smash “Elena that!” Your emotions were going under as you smashed every whisky bottle near. Towards the wall. The firepit. The door.

“I get it… She's special, but what am I? Aren't I your sister? I thought family came first..." You choked out a sob.

The weight of their words, their conflicting emotions, and your own pain became too much to bear. You felt your knees give way as the emotional dam finally broke. The room spun, and you sank to the floor, sobs escaping your lips despite your best efforts to remain composed. Your head pounding in sync with your heart, as the pain radiated throughout.

Damon's hard exterior cracked, and he knelt beside you, his own eyes glistening with unshed tears. “Hey, hey, don’t. Please, don’t cry. We… we never meant to hurt you.

Stefan knelt on your other side, his hand reaching out to comfort you. “We’re sorry. We’re so sorry. You’re not a pawn, and you’re definitely not just a tool for us. You’re… you’re everything to us.”

Your sobs shook your body as you struggled to find your voice through the tears. “I just… I don’t know what to believe anymore. I thought I could trust you, but now… now I feel like I’m just a burden.”

Damon pulled you into a tight embrace, his voice rough with emotion. “You’re not a burden. You’re our sister, our family. We should have been better brothers. We should have done more to show you that.”

“I just need… I need to be alone.”

Without waiting for a response, you turned and fled from the mansion, the cold night air hitting your face like a splash of ice. The emotional weight was almost unbearable, but you kept moving, desperate to escape the suffocating confines of the mansion and the heavy expectations that came with it.

You wandered aimlessly through the quiet streets of Mystic Falls, not really knowing where you were going. The familiar surroundings did little to soothe you as the pain and frustration continued to spiral.

You ended up in front of the dimly lit, familiar atmosphere of Mystic Grill.

The bell above the door jingled softly as you entered the bar, the warm glow of the lights inside providing a brief respite from the chilly night. The bartender glanced up, offering a nod of recognition. You slid onto a stool, trying to ignore the lump in your throat and the tears that still threatened to spill.

“Something strong?” the bartender asked, sensing your mood.

You managed a nod, your voice barely above a whisper. “Yeah, something strong.”

As you waited, you took a deep breath, trying to calm the turbulent emotions swirling within you. You barely noticed when the bar’s door swung open again, and a figure entered, slipping into the booth across from you. It wasn’t until you heard the soft, but unmistakable, accent that you looked up.

Kol Mikaelson, the notorious and charming Original Vampire, sat with a casual grace that seemed almost out of place in the somber setting. His dark eyes assessed you with a mix of curiosity and concern.

“Fancy meeting you here darling,” Kol said with a sly grin.

“Now's not the time Kol.” You looked away, not wanting to meet his gaze.

Kol’s smile faded, replaced by a more serious expression. “Rough night?”

You didn’t trust yourself to speak any further, so you just nodded. Kol’s presence was a strange comfort, but it also made you more aware of how much you were struggling.

The bartender returned with your drink, and you took it gratefully, the strong liquor burning a path down your throat. Kol watched you with a mixture of amusement and concern, his fingers tapping lightly on the table.

He studied you for a moment before speaking again. “You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to. But I’m here if you need to.”

The sincerity in his voice made something inside you break, and before you could stop yourself, the tears you had been holding back began to fall. You tried to wipe them away, but they came faster, unrelenting. Kol’s expression softened, as he reached out his hand gently covering yours.

You looked at his hand on yours, the unexpected gesture of comfort stirring something deep within you. Kol’s presence, so different from your own brothers’, offered a reprieve from the emotional turmoil that had been suffocating you.

“I know I’m not exactly the most trustworthy person,” he said quietly. “But if you need someone to listen, I’m here. And if you need something more… well, I’ve always been good at making things more bearable.”

The floodgates opened, and you let out a sob, the tears streaming down your face as you tried to choke out the words. “They… they don’t really see me. They see what they want to see, and I’m just… a part of their plans. I thought I meant more to them, but now I’m not sure.”

Kol felt pain in his own heart seeing you in this distress state. He had the urge to hold you close. So he shifted seats to be closer. You were too busy spiraling, you didn’t notice his body close.

Kol leaned closer, his voice low and reassuring. “Running away might give you a moment’s peace, but it’s important to remember that you don’t have to face this alone. It’s okay to feel lost, but you have people who care about you. Even if they don’t always show it in the right way.”

His words resonated with you, and you found yourself leaning into his side, the warmth of his body offering a small comfort amidst your pain. Kol’s arm went around you, pulling you into a gentle embrace. You didn’t resist, the support and compassion he offered breaking through your walls.

“If you ever need a distraction or just someone to talk to, you know where to find me.”

You offered him a small, grateful smile, feeling a hint of relief. “Thank you, Kol. I think I might just take you up on that.”

─ ⋅ ⋅ ⋅ ──── ♡ ─── ⋅ ⋅ ⋅ ──

Weeks had passed since that night at Mystic Grill. The pain from the argument with the Salvatore brothers had not entirely faded, but the wounds had begun to heal. In their place, a new, unexpected emotion had taken root—one that you hadn’t anticipated, a growing affection for Kol Mikaelson.

Kol had become a constant presence in your life, his casual charm and easy smile providing a welcome distraction from the turmoil you’d been through. The two of you spent more time together, meeting at Mystic Grill for drinks, sharing stories about your lives, and occasionally enjoying quiet walks around the town. With every encounter, you found yourself drawn closer to him, the lines between friendship and something more becoming increasingly blurred. A line you wanted to cross, but feared you were looking at it wrong.

One evening, you found yourself standing beneath the canopy of a starlit sky, the cool breeze of night wrapping around you as you waited outside the Grill for Kol. You had decided to take a chance and be honest with yourself about your feelings, and you hoped tonight would be the night you took the next step.

Kol arrived with his usual effortless grace, his eyes lighting up when he saw you. “Good evening, love,” he greeted, his voice warm and inviting.

“Hi, Kol,” you replied, your heart fluttering at the endearing nickname.

He extended his arm, and you slipped yours through it as the two of you began to stroll down the quiet streets. The night felt magical, the moon casting a soft glow over the town. You walked in comfortable silence for a while, the serenity of the moment making it easier to gather your thoughts.

As you reached the edge of the old bridge that overlooked the river, Kol stopped and turned to face you. His eyes, usually filled with mischief, were serious and focused. “You’ve been quiet tonight. Is something on your mind?”

You hesitated, then took a deep breath. “There’s something I need to tell you. I’ve been thinking a lot lately…”

Kol’s expression softened, his hand gently brushing a strand of hair from your face. “You can tell me anything.”

You looked into his eyes, searching for the right words. “When we first met, I never expected this. I never thought I’d find someone who could make me feel… so understood, so cared for. I was so wrapped up in my own pain that I didn’t see what was right in front of me.”

Kol’s gaze was unwavering, and you could see the sincerity in his eyes. “And what’s right in front of you, love?”

You took another breath, the weight of your feelings pressing on your chest. “What’s right in front of me is you. I’ve come to care about you more deeply than I ever thought possible. I think I’m falling for you, Kol Mikaelson.”

For a moment, Kol was silent, his eyes searching yours. Then, a smile broke across his face—one that was tender and full of warmth. “I’ve been waiting for you to say that.”

Your heart skipped a beat. “You have?”

Kol nodded, stepping closer. “Yes. I’ve felt the same way for a while now. I didn’t want to rush you, but I couldn’t ignore how much you mean to me.”

A mix of relief and joy surged through you. Kol’s confession felt like a balm to your soul, soothing the last remnants of your heartache. Without thinking, you reached up, pulling him into a kiss that was both gentle and passionate—a perfect culmination of the emotions that had been building between you.

Kol responded with equal fervor, his arms wrapping around you as he deepened the kiss. When you finally pulled away, both of you were breathless, the connection between you palpable.

“Does this mean…?” you began, your voice soft.

Kol’s eyes sparkled with affection. “It means that I’m yours, if you’ll have me. I want to be with you, in every way.”

You smiled through your tears, feeling a joy that had been elusive for so long. “I’d like that very much.”

Kol’s smile matched yours as he kissed you again, this time more tenderly. “Then it’s settled.”

The night air seemed to shimmer with promise as the two of you stood together, the world around you fading into the background. Beneath the moonlight, you felt a sense of peace and belonging that had been missing from your life. With Kol by your side, you were ready to face whatever came next, knowing that love had found you in the most unexpected of places.

And as you walked hand in hand along the bridge, the future seemed full of endless possibilities.

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