#I’m trying to think of the last album that was released that I was obsessed with

[wewontbesleeping]

I’m sooo excited for the new the national album

[felixsmeshglove]

of nighttime’s and neon - han jisung x reader

writers note ; so, this is my first official smut fic that i’m releasing so any and all feedback is welcome but please be gentle. i don’t typically write for non-sub!reader but this is something i want to get better on, so this will be entirely new to me, remember this plot is entirely a work of fiction and the accuracy of how the idol life functions may not be 100%, jisung is just fucking whipped for reader, i will note i did kinda skimp on the inter-band interactions, mostly just because i didn’t quite know how to incorporate it? plus, as i’ve mentioned on my page my knowledge about k-pop is exclusively skz, i don’t know any of the other of the bands well enough to incorporate them properly so i kinda just glossed over it? sorry if that was something you were really looking forward to.

themes ; smut, fluff, angst if you squint, friends to lovers

pairing ; han jisung x reader

wc ; 3.7k

content warning ; minors dni 18+ only! alcohol consumption, cursing, afab reader, unprotected sex (wear a condom folks!) feminine nicknames used for reader (mommy, goddess), needy jisung, reader could be plus size if you squint, switch!jisung (mostly sub), dubcon if you squint, jisung is kind of a nasty perv dw he just is obsessed with you, mommy kink, riding, edging, cum eating, oral sex (afab receiving), face sitting

misc ; (h/c) is hair color

jisung was the first to awake from his sleep, whining softly as rubbed his face. a dull ache pounds under his temples, reminding jisung of his actions from the night before. as he sits up, through bleary eyes he begins to recognize… he isn’t in his room. further yet, he isn’t even in his dorm.

as the covers fall from his chest, he shivers, noticing the distinct lack of clothing he had from the waist-up.

wary eyes scan his surroundings from right to left, and just as he’s putting the pieces together he sees you. (h/c) locks tumbled rebelliously around your face as you were curled snuggly into the sheets. jisung’s heart sinks, running a hand through his hair as his mind starts to spiral.

‘fuck, fuck, fuck! did we really just fuck last night? shit- we were so drunk i-‘ jisung thinks to himself as he begins to panic, his breathing beginning to roughen in response.

deep from slumber, you begin to awake as you feel the sensation of your bed beginning to rock. you groan softly, opening your eyes to try to fend off the disturbance only to remember a familiar faded-lavender haired man in your bed.

jisung was shifting around in the bed, trying to find his phone to see if there was any evidence left of what the two had done the night before, thinking the absolute worst.

“jisungie?” you speak up softly, your voice crackling from sleep.

memories seem to flood back from the night you had before as you start to sit up yourself

jisung had invited you out to the club, in celebration of their latest album release. jisung and the rest had been working tirelessly for the release and it was about time that they got a break. you found the night to be a blur of meeting many other idols that the alcohol made it difficult to remember just who and how many you’d met.

regardless, you happily followed jisung around, eagerly encouraging him to enjoy himself and celebrate. after all, you loved to see your favorite quokka so happy.

right now, however, you had decided to sit out this song with legs crossed as you sat atop the bar stool. you were sipping on some fancy cocktail that was way too expensive yet jisung insisted you get whatever you want. jisung always loved to spoil you, he cared so much about you and even if he still couldn’t push himself to confess he wanted to make it certain you were always taken care of.

the drink tasted of lemon, gin and herbal tea, advertised as some special type of tea. it was a periwinkle-purple beverage, almost like the color of jisung’s dusty lavender hair. maybe brighter? you couldn’t tell with the dim club lights.

regardless, you always admired just how pretty jisung always was. it didn’t matter what the producers wanted him to wear or change, he looked good in it.

now, your attention was being drawn back to the present by jisung who had stumbled his way back to you through the crowd with a sweet giggle.

“why aren’t you dancing jagi? are you not having fun?” jisung drunkenly cooed at you as he slipped an arm around your waist. you leaned into him slightly, resting a head on his shoulder as you giggled.

“just needed a rest, quokka, my feet were starting to hurt,” you reply with a sweet smile, taking another sip of your colored drink, “you worry too much, ji.”

jisung rolled his eyes and set down the bottle he had in his freehand, standing in front of you to wrap his hands around your waist once more.

“come on jagi will you please dance with me? you can take off your heels i’ll hold them for you” jisung begs with a whine, puffing up his cheeks a little and pouting at you with that plump lower lip of his.

just as you open your mouth to protest, but before you can even get out a word jisung interrupts you.

“i haven’t gotten a chance to be alone with you all night, please?” jisung hiccuped in his drunken state, giving you the biggest puppy dog eyes he could muster.

how could you say no?

with one long, careful sip you finish your fun cocktail, before removing your heels and holding them up by the straps. you hardly even notice how jisung stares at you as you take that sip, sucking his lower lip between his teeth as he picks up his almost-forgotten bottle.

he takes the shoes from your hand as you hopped down from your bar stool, standing in front of him to dance in place with him. well, it was hard to call it a dance. at first, this ‘dance’ was nothing more than his arms wrapped around your waist with your hands tucked up into those dyed locks you loved so much.

slowly, however this dance evolved to you grinding against jisung with your heels and his drink long abandoned by your bar stool. it seemed almost as if the rest of the world didn’t even exist as all your drunken minds could focus on were the neon lights, the music, and each other.

there had always been a sort of tension between you and jisung, yet you both were far too oblivious to see it. but now, tension seemed to be all out the window as you swayed your hips, rocking them back towards jisung.

jisung’s gaze immediately snapped over to you, his cheeks flaring up with a bright red as the first thing he notices is the darkening cherry red and deep maroon hickey that seemed to be forming along your collarbone and neck. he seems to stress even more as he notices this, which causes you to furrow your brows.

“hannie what’s wrong?” you ask softly after clearing your throat. as you sat up, your form was mostly covered by your oversized pajama shirt. how you managed to change shorts with how drunk you remembered you were was a mystery, but regardless it provided you some modesty.

“what? what do you mean what’s wrong?! why are you so calm? y/n i’m so sorry- i hope you can forgive me,” jisung says with a strained voice that seemed to end in a whimper. tears pricked at the corners of his eyes as he looked down at you.

the look on jisung’s face was absolutely heartbreaking as he seemed truly devastated at what he’d thought he’d done to you. the poor man could barely bring himself to confess to you, so the thought that the two of you had done something together and neither of you were sober enough to be present for him made him feel so guilty.

“forgive you for what? i don’t underst- ohhh…” you begin to reply, before looking around and finally connecting the dots yourself.

“who taught you to dance like this babe? so dirty~” jisung giggled teasingly as he happily pulled your hips closer.

with your drunken mental state, all your inhibitions were out the window. as a result, you turn around and give him a mischievous little giggle, before tugging him down by the front of his windbreaker.

“you’re one to talk, sungie~ i swear some of the choreo you boys do should only be seen in a strip club~” you said back with a voice so low that he almost couldn’t make out what you had said over the loud club music.

almost.

jisung thanked the stars and everything he knew that with his drunkenness and the dim club lighting his furious blush was easily hidden or able to be lied about. the normally ever-so confident quokka man stopped dead in his tracks as he swallowed thickly.

it was as if he could hear his heartbeat right up in his ears as he tried to recover, stammering out, “it’s not my fault the choreographers plan what they pl-plan.. you should see what th-they do to channie-hyung.”

“honestly though, i swear sometimes its like he wants to act like a man-whore,” jisung continued, only to be cut off by you.

“oh shut up sungie,” you said sarcastically as you tugged him even closer with your grip on his windbreaker, crashing your lips into his.

after taking a moment to reboot and process exactly what was happening to him, jisung starts to slowly kiss back. it's a passionate, messy, needy kiss. a kiss full of pent up feelings and desperation, tongues quickly making their way to meet as you stood up on tip-toes to reach him.

when you finally pull away, he looks down at you, swaying slightly as he pants. his eyes are wide, pupils blown as the only thing that exists in his world and mind right now is just you.

“we leave now?” jisung breathlessly asks, sounding more like a plead as he looks at you desperately.

“yeah sungie, lets go.”

…

it wasn’t long before you found yourselves in the elevator of your apartment, curious and needy hands roaming all over each other as jisung nuzzles into your neck.

before you left, you’d offered to just take jisung back to your own flat to make sure he got somewhere safe. it took little convincing to get chan to agree with you, after he trusted you and it meant one less trashed hungover boy to deal with in the morning.

once you finally had made your way into your apartment unit, the two of you were out in your lounge with you tugging jisung on top of you, kissing at whatever exposed skin you could find on each other.

jisung slowly begins to nip at your neck in a bratty way, being impatient after waiting for so long to touch you. it was such a primal, deep need for him to be close to you, to feel your touch, to keep you as his and be yours

with heat beginning to pool in your core, you desperately try to tug him closer. by this point, all of the passionate, desperate kisses and touches the two fo you shared had begun to leave you absolutely dripping. you hook a leg around his hip, whining as you feverishly rock your hips into nothing.

a nasty, dreadful feeling starts to loom over jisung as he pulls back slightly, biting his lip with nervousness as he looked down at you.

“h-hold on jagi i- fuck. i want you i really do baby i j-just don’t wanna do this drunk. wan’ be here for it wh-when i fuck you.. wan’ remember it,” jisung said with a worried look, not wanting you to take his sudden halting as a rejection.

you look up at him sweetly and cup his face with a smile.

“of course ji, i understand. i can wait. you promise when we’re sober you’ll fuck me good like a good boy?”

jisung is already nodding dumbly before you even finish, an electric shudder running down his spine as he hears the words ‘good boy.’

you then wrap your arms around him in a soft hug, kissing his jawline slowly as you smiled.

“can we still keep kissing at least?” you ask softly, your hand tracing circles in his upper back gently.

“mhm of course jagi i love your kisses.. i don’t know why i didnt kiss you sooner..” jisung cooed back at you as you tugged him closer again, your lips locking once more.

“hannie its okay, we didn’t do anything..” you try to reassure him, having remembered more of the later parts of the night than he did, “look, my panties and fishnets are still on-“

you lift the sheets to show him. your fishnets had seen better days of course, but remained intact worn over your panties. you add “there’s no way we would have took these off and put them back on, and the crotch of them is still intact.”

jisung blushes darkly as he watches you, his brain swimming with a hundred complicated thoughts a second. he was torn between wanting to keel over from the fear he had just started to come down from and intensely turned on by the sight of your panties. he notes the darkened staining between your legs, likely from the night before.

“god jagi trying to give me a heart attack before i’m thirty-“ jisung says with exasperation as he runs his hand through his hair again as he lays back into the bed, rubbing his temples. with a few slow breaths, he begins to settle.

“so.. what are we going to do about this..” you finally ask after thinking for a few moments, trying to address the elephant in the room.

“this?” jisung asks with an arm thrown over his eyes as he tries to piece together the bits and pieces of the night they’d had together.

“well.. you’ve got hickeys.. i’ve got hickeys.. my panties are still sticky from last night.. we clearly wanted to do something last night,” you say, taking a pause before adding, “plus… i’ve liked you for a while, sungie.. and i think.. you might like me too, given the way you treated me and spoiled me last night..”

jisung tried to swallow, his mouth feeling dry at the raw statement. you weren’t wrong, this wasn’t something you guys could gloss over anymore.

“i uh.. aish.. guess i’m caught eh?” jisung finally said with an awkward crooked smile, his face flushed”

“i really do like you, baby, i have for a while.. you drive me so crazy i can barely even stand it baby- you have no idea what you do to me,” jisung adds as he bites his lip.

you reach forward slowly, cupping his soft cheek and thumbing against his cheekbone. your lips ghost over his own, leaving him to lean up and close the gap.

this kiss was slow and passionate, full of care and intention. his lips felt even better now that you had all your senses to focus on him. when he pulls away, looking up at you with unfocused eyes.

“so… can we continue where we left off..? p-please..?” jisung asked, barely above a whisper as he finally allowed himself to look you over again. with his discomfort now dissipated, arousal begins to take over as he feels his cock begin to twitch in his boxers.

“well, you did promise me you would after all, baby,” you said sweetly to jisung, climbing up onto his lap and situating his now rock-hard erection right up against your hot, damp panties. he winced at the sensation, his cock so sensitive that he could feel each individual layer between the two of you.

with a slow, languid rock of your hips jisung lets out a high pitched, desperate whine. you both stare at each other, almost as if you both hadn’t been expecting the sound. in response, you repeat the action, leaving jisung melting completely under you.

“shit- jagiya… f-feels so good..” jisung mumbled as he covered his mouth with his hand.

“what do you want to do jisungie? you have to tell me what you want..~” you cooed teasingly at him, leaning forward to cup his flushed face as you smiled at him lovingly.

“r-ride me please.. pl-please.. y/n i need your pussy so bad..” jisung pleads with you, hands running up your plush thighs quickly and fiddling with the threads of the fishnets.

“ah-ah-ah~ no touching hannie… gotta keep your hands to yourself if you want me to do that,” you tisked him waiting until his hands fell beside each of his hips and looking up at you. only now do you lean down to help tug at the waistband of his boxers, pulling them down with relative ease.

jisung’s cock sprung up for action, the tip a fiery-hot red and leaking precum as he just breathed heavily, feeling almost dizzy with arousal. you licked your lips at the sight, giggling slightly at jisung as you start to work your fishnets and panties off.

just as you’re settling yourself back into his lap, he speaks up again, so soft you nearly didn’t hear. “t-take the shirt off t-too? i wanna see all of you…”

you blush slightly, biting your lip as you pull at the hem of the oversized pajama shirt you’d been wearing. jisung notices your hesitation and speaks up a little louder now.

“please baby? you’re a goddess… so perfect… i just wanna see.. i promise.. i won’t touch… j-just like you asked.”

with the reassurance, you lift the shirt over your head, taking a deep breath. as you refocus your attention to jisung, he’s staring your body all over, not seeming to focus on one place in particular.

he just found every single inch of you absolutely stunning. he meant it. you really were a goddess. finally, his gaze focuses on your drooling cunt. he licks his lips slightly in anticipation, clearly holding himself back from just tugging you fully into his lap and onto his length.

you took your time settling into his lap and rubbing the tip of his cock through your hot folds, allowing your slick and his precum to mix and gather on his dick. with a deep breath, you position yourself above his hard cock, slowly sinking down until he’d bottomed out.

jisung lets out a strangled sounding moan as he grips the sheets tighter, fighting every urge to reach up and grab your thighs. “h-holy shit- ahhhh~”

after sitting for a few moments, you begin to move at a slow pace, your tight pussy massaging his length with every upward motion you made then tightening down with every downward motion. you let out a few small huffs, steadying yourself against his shoulders as you finally get up to a steady rhythm.

all that can be heard in your bedroom now is the soft squelching of your soaking cunt sinking down onto his cock, the soft huffs and whines shared between the two of you and the subtle creak of the bed frame.

his dick seemed to curve perfectly into your clenching pussy, hitting every exact spot that made you absolutely see stars. it seemed like every passing moment the both of you feel deeper into your hyperfixation on each other. minds hot and dizzy, only able to focus on the intense and pleasurable sensations of their actions.

“can i please touch jagi..? please..? i wanna feel you” jisung croaked out, almost trembling beneath you as he started to rock up into you, trying to speed up your pace.

“so impatient baby boy… not yet.. keep up the thrusting though,” you panted out to him, leaning forward to rest your head on his forehead. now, you slip a hand down to rub lazy circles against your previously-neglected clit.

quickly, he leans up to capture your lips in a desperate kiss, trying to find any outlet for his energy that he could utilize other than his hands. he whines and whimpers against your lips as he feels completely overcome by the sensations of your gummy insides.

it didn’t take much longer before jisung felt himself begin to reach his snapping point, gasping and squirming underneath you as his grip on the sheets beside him left his knuckles white.

“j-jagi~ jagi i’m gonna cum- i’m gonna-“ he begins to say, before you cut him off.

“no. i’m not ready yet, baby.. you c-can cum when i cum baby..”

jisung cries out as he bites down hard on his lip, trying his best to hold back. his breath hitches in his throat as he strains against his own impending orgasm. as he does so, you feel the heat that had been pooling in the pit of your stomach beginning to intensify, the knot inside begging to tighten.

“y/n.. j-jagi.. i- fuck! m-mommy.. mo-mommy please…” he says, almost in a sob as he his hips thrash up hard against yours.

something about him calling you mommy sets a fire alight inside you. you almost groan out softly, feeling your own climax beginning to creep up on you.

“keep begging like that baby, keep begging for me.. i’m so close.. god you’re so filthy..” you breathe out as your head lolls back.

“please m-mommy i need to cum so bad.. please.. i need it… i need.. a-ahh…” jisung whimpers in his fucked-out state, unable to even formulate a proper sentence.

with that, the knot inside you snapped, your orgasm washing over you with intensity. you moaned out as your throbbing pussy clenched around his length, which finally caused him to bust. his hot cum shot up deep inside you, leaving you shuddering at the sensation as you collapsed against his chest with exhaustion.

a few moments later, you reached up and tiredly cupped his face again, looking up at him. “so good for me, baby… thank you sungie..” you said sweetly to him..

jisung panted softly as he tried to recover from the dizzying orgasm that you’d just given him, his thighs trembling from the feeling. when you sat up to look at him, he finally caught a good look of your pussy which was now left dripping and creamy with your mixed fluids.

“please can you sit on my face..?” jisung asked softly, squirming in sensitivity as he felt you adjust on top of him.

“what?” you ask softly, surprised at his request.

“mommy please.. your pussy looks s’ good.. wan’ clean you up.. wan’ make you feel good.. please.. please..” jisung looked up at you with tearful eyes, hands curled into the sheets by his sides as he panted beneath you.

“i suppose you do deserve a treat, don’t you hannie..” you answered his pleas lovingly.

you pulled up off of him slowly, shuddering at the sensation as your combined fluids begin to leak down your thighs with a creamy sheen. jisung had been such a good boy for you, listening so good. you couldn’t help but reward him with what he was exactly asking for.

“you can touch now baby… its okay..” you say softly through your own pants, crawling over him to situate your puffy, swollen cunt above him. in response, he quickly grips his hands to the backs of your thighs, just under your ass and pulling you down as close as he could.

you lurched forward harshly as you felt his warm tongue provide an eager and broad lick to your dripping, cum filled cunt, his hands tugging you down ever closer to his face. you swore this man was going to be the death of you…

[x--daughters-of-darkness--x]

"I’ve spent a few years writing songs with little to no sense of direction, I think I’ve started to find my own sound again." Charlotte Wessels on restarting after Delain, dream collabs and why there are no guilty pleasures

Charlotte Wessels reinvented herself as a solo artist after leaving Delain in 2021

Since her shock departure from Delain back in 2021, symphonic metal star Charlotte Wessels has been working hard on a solo album, The Obsession, an ambitious record that Charlotte says showcases her “creative sweet spot”. 

Not only that, but she’s also been making monthly creations for fans and supporters of her Patreon, rescued a very cute dog and released two records via the Tales From Six Feet Under banner. Good grief. We put your questions to Charlotte about the split, finding inspiration in nature and, erm, turtles.

How interested are you in experimenting with genres, and which would be the most unusual one you’d like to try? Clockworkshrimp, Instagram 

“I’m very interested in experimenting with genres. Basically my last two albums consist of songs that vary wildly in genres: pop songs, fully electronic songs, metal songs… I even did a [dance subgenre] hardstyle track! I’ve spent a few years writing songs with little to no sense of direction, and I think I’ve started to find my own sound again. I’m in my creative sweet spot, but I’d love to do something classical or neoclassical.” 

Pick one person to: record a song, have a coffee, go on holiday with. Jessica Lleonart, Facebook 

“Ooh! I’d love to record a song with Trent Reznor, I love his work. For a coffee, I think Amanda Palmer; I love her and The Dresden Dolls. She really inspired me on my entire journey with Patreon and the art of asking for things, so I’d love to thank her. For a holiday I’d pick my partner and this sleepy dog back here. He’s a rescue dog called Legolas but we call him Lego.” 

Do you have other talents? Tonykumar7061, Instagram 

“Back in the day I was always hesitating about whether I would go in the direction of visual arts or music, and art is still something that I do every now and then just for relaxation. I love painting but I don’t know whether I would call it a talent! I also love writing, and gardening.” 

How do you handle creative blocks? Babs86, Instagram 

“I don’t want to say this out loud, because I feel like I’ll jinx it… but I haven’t had serious creative blocks yet. Especially now I’ve really trained myself so I have to release a song every month for Patreon. It might sound really crude, but if you’re ever stuck, just lower the bar! Don’t think about writing something amazing, just think about writing anything. Then even if it sucks there’ll be a little part that’s nice, and you can polish it and improve it.” 

Was it difficult to adapt after leaving Delain? Skinny_Vamp_Official, Instagram 

“Yeah, definitely. It was my life for 16 years, so of course there was that moment of ‘Now what?’ I knew I couldn’t fall into a black hole, I couldn’t dwell on it. I didn’t allow myself to as I didn’t want to let people down. It just took a lot of adaptation, but I’m so glad I had that safety net already of my fans. I don’t think I could have started again otherwise. I feel like I have to reintroduce myself now, the tension and the anticipation is so high. It all feels brand new again.” 

What guided you to write a novel for [side-project] Phantasma’s The Deviant Hearts? Would you ever be tempted to write another? Antonio Olivares Diaz, Facebook 

“The idea was to do a concept record. When you think of a concept album, you have to think about what the story is and usually let the music tell that story. It kept growing more and more detailed, so I basically bluffed and said, ‘You know what, I’ll just write a novella for it!’ It was fun and challenging and I might do it again one day.”

When did you first hear about Sophie Lancaster [who inspired Delain song We Are The Others]? Simon Parrock, Facebook 

“We were working on the album [also titled We Are The Others] in Stockholm in 2011, I think. I saw an animated video about her story and it grabbed me. I knew this was the story that we had to tell, because this is what happens when we judge books by their covers. I reached out to the Sophie Lancaster Foundation, because when you’re writing about an actual person who has family and friends grieving her loss, you have to be so sensitive, so I got permission from her family and we’ve worked with the foundation since.” 

What’s on your playlist right now? Evim0204, Instagram 

“A lot of Vola! We just announced a tour with them and I’m a big fan. I’m not afraid to admit that I saw that tour announcement and I slid into their DMs like, ‘May I suggest me to support?’ If you don’t ask you don’t get!”

How do you feel when people compare your music to bands like Nightwish, Within Temptation or Lacuna Coil? Tiago Ferraz, Facebook 

“I feel good about it, I love all of those bands! That’s great company to be in and it’s an accurate description. Anything is better than just lumping us in as ‘female-fronted metal’, you know? As musicians everyone likes to think, ‘Oh my god, I’m so unique’ but genres and comparisons help people who might be looking for similar things to find you. It’s a good thing.” 

What is your relationship with plants and nature, and does it help in your creativity? Renaud Bongiovanni, Facebook 

“I always find inspiration in nature. Sometimes I organise little writing camps for myself – I’ll go somewhere in a cabin in the woods. I’m so much happier when the sun is out, and when I can plant my little seedlings.” 

Hammer: Has it helped with your mental health at all? 

“Yes! A few years ago I was in therapy and taking SSRIs [Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors, a commonly prescribed antidepressant]. I was learning about how certain connections in your brain have to regrow. I was very frustrated because I wanted progress to be faster, and at the same time I had these little plant cuttings and I was trying to regrow their roots in water. I visualised my own process mirrored to the little cuttings, and now they’re fully grown plants. It’s hope, it’s patience, it’s beauty.”

Who are your biggest influences outside of metal? Simon Edward McMurdo, Facebook 

“I love Sia, her voice gives me instant comfort. Florence And The Machine, Kate Bush, Tori Amos – my girls!” 

Was The Exorcism video inspired by Epica’s visuals? Will you collaborate with Simone Simons again? Baryn Abrahadabra-Vettel, Facebook 

“In a way it was, because we wore amazing wigs for the Sirens - Of Blood And Water video we collaborated on, and I wore the same model in a different colour for The Exorcism. Simone sings on a song called Dopamine on the new album. I originally released a version of it online and Simone messaged me saying it was her favourite song, so I asked her to sing on it for the album!” 

What was the most challenging and most rewarding aspect of filming The Exorcism music video? Nivi Morales, Facebook 

“I always tell myself I’m going to do it differently, but somehow whenever we record a video I end up wearing something super-uncomfortable and end up being super-cold. I had to lay on the floor with my bare back. The outfit was stunning but it was slightly too tight on me, so the next day I had scabs on my collarbones from how it was digging into my skin.” 

What was it like posing for Tim Tronckoe’s portraits book? Bindi Eyre, Facebook 

“It was wonderful. He worked on The Exorcism video too, and the portraits book set the wheels in motion for that. He had so many ideas and I love it. He’s very encouraging and enthusiastic and always an optimistic creative presence.” 

Do you like turtles? Larue Joseph, Facebook 

“I love all animals! Yes to turtles, with their shells, having your own house with you all the time? How wonderful! As well as my dog, I have two crows that follow me on my walks – having a crow army would be my dream. I feed them every so often and it’s working!” 

Are you nervous to go back on tour with a full band for the first time since the end of Delain? Eric Jacques, Facebook 

“Sort of?! I only just realised how long it’s been since we’ve done a full tour, and this is an intense tour; there’s a run of 10 shows without a day off and I’m not getting any younger! I’m always super-careful on tour – I don’t drink, I eat healthy. I try to get as much sleep as possible, but I’m mostly just really excited to go on tour with the boys again.” 

What guilty pleasures have you got in your music collection? Eddie Sinner, Facebook 

“I don’t have any! I’ll never be ashamed of my Spice Girls album or anything like that. No guilty pleasures – only true pleasures.”

The Obsession is out September 20 via Napalm. Charlotte Wessels tours the UK from November 22.

[beautifulpersonpeach]

Which members promotions were your favorite so far? Hobi might win for me because that listening party was super fun and Lollapalooza was crazy. Also More sits at the same table as SMFpt2 for me as far as being really shocking and exciting when it dropped!

***

Hi Anon!

Nothing beats Yoongi’s D-DAY tour for me. My god what an experience. I was fortunate to attend multiple stops and I still have fever dreams in the middle of the day remembering how hard I was screaming along to Burn It and Huh, how my friend burst into tears during Snooze, how I choked up a bit during Life Goes On and finally lost it on The Last. The encore tours gave me the emotional equivalent of a blood transfusion. Seeing Jimin, Namjoon, and Jungkook on stage in a proper concert setting for the first time in almost a year, was really the best parting gift and I’ll always be grateful to Yoongi for it. I love that man very, very much.

That cute practice session Yoongi did for the ‘I’m so cute’ or whatever challenge with Jimin too, subbing ARMYs with screaming plushies and the live he did reading fan messages teasing us about his seven tattoo… and then that cheeky reveal after the tour ended…

Yoongi gave me everything and more with his album and the tour.

Other members too:

- SeokJin going to Argentina to promote The Astronaut with Coldplay was incredible. The planning and organizing behind that feat couldn’t have been easy but somehow they made it work and LatAm ARMYs were finally able to see at least one Tannie for the first time in a long while. That really was amazing.

- Taehyung’s Tiny Desk performances are 🤌🏽

- I loved how Jimin really thought outside the box with his promotions, choosing to go on many really fun Korean variety shows. These are shows BTS either hadn’t done ever or in something like 5 years. A lot of my K-ARMY friends loved how Jimin seemed to prioritize them fully in ways that hadn’t been done for a while.

- I tried hard to attend Joon’s small concert but work commitments didn’t allow that possibility, but I also really love his promotion choices. My partner (surprisingly) has become a tiny bit obsessed with Joon’s Tiny Desk performance lol, so I suspect Joon has gained a new fan.

- Think I’ve already talked about how Hobipalooza was the concert highlight of 2022 for me. Hobi had such a short time to put everything together, and I’m proud of him for going out of his comfort zone a bit sending out invites and throwing the launch party. I loved seeing him just celebrate his success, seeing the other members chill out and have a good time.

- It was nice seeing that at least one member did not forget Europe exists with their promotions (😭), so I’m glad Jungkook could make the trip over to promote Seven in the UK.

The rapline’s album projects are easily some of the best releases this year in any genre for me. And I’m not even trying to be biased. Corroborated by critics reviews, each album is a solid, cohesive, and cerebrally stimulating piece of art and I’m so proud of them for putting it together. It’s easy to see how BTS has become the biggest band in the world when you have these three men who can stand as respected artists in their own right, being the bedrock of the music created by BTS for the last 10 years.

Jimin’s debut with FACE ended k-pop in 2023. I’m not sure if you’re aware, but the industry as we know it, life as we know it, Jimin as we knew him, ended in March 2023. What Jimin did with Set Me Free Pt 2 still gives me goosebumps when I think about it. That song was a warning shot, a small mercy to the industry to warn them in advance of who Jimin is prepared to become as a solo artist and as Jimin of BTS, and I cannot overstate how excited I am for his next project. FACE as an album is the complete package. His songs are just good. Like, actually good. Good enough to play anywhere and any time. That’s the kind of music Jimin makes. Imagine hearing Face-off in a concert arena… imagine hearing the intro play before he comes on stage. Can you even imagine….

Lol I’m starting to hurt myself with these imagines.

Taehyung’s album too is very good (though these days it only gets plays from me in the evenings). And while Seven isn’t my favorite release, it’s still a well made song that Jungkook of course has done a phenomenal job with. Twice now he’s had to promote it outdoors in very bad weather and he’s kept his vocals stable and well projected. He’s working hard and I’m hoping it translates well into work done for his solo album debut later this year.

I have almost no complaints in the debut solo showcases from all the members, in their promotion styles, and in the overall presentation. These albums were all very decent and respectable first showings from the members of the biggest group in the world. The response from the general public and professional critics has been very favourable, and the fandom has supported each member to be as successful as one would expect for anyone from BTS.

I’m a very happy ARMY in Chapter 2 ^_^

[lostbetweenvampiresandmusic]

Hi! I had the Outsiders prompt and that works for me! If you ever have the chance to watch it I highly recommend it especially the new musical! Speaking of musicals while I’m not sure you’re into them there is talk of the Lost Boys becoming a musical and the trailer looked promising! Thank you again and I’m so sorry for picking something you’ve never seen before! <333

I'm glad! I'll go and see if I can find it on YouTube/Spotify, I absolutely love musicals! I know they're working on a new musical for the Lost Boys, with music from a band (I've forgotten their name) but like three years ago G Tom Mac released a lost boys musical concept album and honestly - that version of Cry Little Sister is so good? It is a bloody shame that the whole album wasn't on Spotify anymore last time I checked. And they had this song that the Frogs were supposed to sing, "when all the damn vampires are dead," and it was a jam, seriously.😅

Thank you for requesting! No need to apologise for your initial request, hon! I hope you like this💜

--------------------------------------------------

You would have thought that growing up with four older brothers would have prepared me for a life with four boyfriends. I was used to people coming into my personal space, used to people stealing my stuff, stealing my food, poking fun at me. I had seriously thought that having brothers would prepare me for living with said four boyfriends, but in all honesty, it didn't. I didn't think so, anyway.

No, take David, for instance. He could be the sweetest person in the whole world, but sometimes? Sometimes, he would be insufferable. Playing mind tricks on me to mess with me, laughing at my expense whenever I didn't want to eat any worms, maggots, or beatles.

It reminded me sometimes of my oldest brother, who would jokingly hold worms on a stick in front of me, daring me to eat it. Of course, this was when we were little. I had been four, and my brother had been ten. Once, he had actually convinced me to eat it, but mom had gotten so angry and worried that we spent the rest of the afternoon in the hospital. I never felt the need to prove myself to my brother again, and ever since that day, I'd sworn off impressing others by doing stuff I didn't want.

Maybe my eldest brother had prepared me, just in a way I didn't expect. After all, David could try all he wanted to have his twisted idea of fun, but I wouldn't budge. I smiled at the thought, realising that he might find me at times just as infuriating as I found him at times.

When I was younger, my second eldest brother would always play wrestle with me. It started when I was six, and a girl at school had begun to bully me. My brother noticed and took me out to the backyard that same afternoon. He said he'd help me stand up for myself, and he taught me how to fight back. How to hold my own. I liked it in such a way that my parents agreed to let me take actual classes.

It was that skill set, initially taught to me by my brother, that absolutely excited Marko. He was always ready for a fight and to have someone next to him who not only could fight but didn't mind getting into fights? He loved it. So sometimes, when either he or I were in an explosive mood, we'd go to the boardwalk and pick fights, just for the fun of it. And if we couldn't find anyone, we would go against each other. Often, those moments lead to more passionate encounters, but still.

If it hadn't been for my brother, I was certain it would have taken more for me and Marko to become close.

My third oldest brother, who was three years older than me, had always been obsessed with music. He always picked what would be played in the car on road trips, always handed me the tapes and cassettes he didn't want to listen to anymore. My brother and I definitely bonded over that music, and now I realised that it helped me bond with Paul. Hell, it was the sole reason I met the boys.

After all, I had been working in a record store at night when Paul came in, asking whether or not we had the latest Springsteen album. We did, and after I sold it to him, we kept talking. About the Doors and the Beatles - whether or not the white album was worth the hype - about singers we thought were got and who we thought had the best songs. We talked for hours, and the night ended with an invitation to join him and his friends at a concert the next evening.

I'm glad I went. I was encouraged to go by my youngest elder brother, who was beyond happy that I was meeting someone I liked. He had always been supportive. Whether I wanted to talk about my crushes on boys or girls, he had always understood and always been open to it. He helped me get ready, forced me out of the door when nerves threatened to keep me inside, and in the end I met up with the boys.

And then there was Dwayne, the last of my four boyfriends, and quite possibly the easiest to hang out with. He wasn't big on mind tricks, wasn't big on fights - as much as I loved them - wasn't as loud as the others. With him, it didn't matter what you did, as long as it was done together. It was comfortable and often just very lovely. I could just be - and nothing else was expected.

As I looked at them, my boys, knowing I was theirs and they were mine, I couldn't help but feel as if my brothers had prepared me for a live they could never know about. Not since David had offered to turn me, and I agreed. Once I fully turned, I could never see my brothers again. But knowing what they taught me and what I took along with me - the lessons I learned from them - it brought a smile to my face. It was comforting to know that I always carried a piece of my brothers with me, even if they were no longer there.

[takitakidancetillthesunriseyea]

Crescent part 1 & 2 (Theory)

So! For the last day or two I’ve been obsessively trying to put Ateez entire discography in chronological order according to the lore. (The JP releases are driving me insane because idk where they all fit-)

BuT, in looking through all the songs and the lore, there was something I found odd: Crescent. They’re not intros or outros yet they’re mostly instrumental (with a little talking). So, what’s so special about them to be instrumentals in the middle of albums? And then it hit me while looking at the World Ep. Fin: Will song poster. Crescent

It’s a crescent moon.

A crescent moon means the Cromer has dream powers.

After looking at the songs around them, I realized it’s entirely possible that Crescent and Crescent 2 are supposed to represent either entering or exiting a dream state.

Crescent 1 appears in the middle of Treasure Ep 3, sandwiched between Illusion and Wave, one which is clearly a dream or hallucination and one which seems to show them waking up.

Crescent 1 repeats “Open your eyes”, which is how Wave starts. That (I think) seems to show that someone used the Cromer’s powers to send them a message to wake them up from some kind of dream they were in.

Which brings me to Crescent 2, sandwiched between Silver Light and Dreamy Day. Dreamy? Eh? Eh???

Silver Light (other than being one of the songs I cry to on the album) is about seeing hope in the distance, and “following the light”.

While Dreamy Day is about wanting a good day to last forever even if it’s just a dream.

If I’m correct this means the Teezers were in a dream/hallucination of some kind again during World Ep. Fin: Will, whether on purpose or not. (What goes on in Strictland ToT)

And while Yes, I know they don’t seem to be dreaming/hallucinating in the Will diaries, but the diaries don’t tell everything.

A good amount of the albums can be explained by diaries, but the Treasure series is a huge gap in what we know for sure. Between that and the how the Crazy Form MV doesn’t seem to be connected to the Will diaries at all. I think it’s safe to leave this theory open.

Plz feel free to add your ideas in the comments or tell me if I missed anything. I’m so curious what all this could mean. ＼(＾▽＾)／

[is-she-suffering]

11/2000 - Metal Hammer Whatever Happened To Katie…“ 

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO KATIE JANE?

Chaotic, Intriguing, Fetish obsessed and dangerous - Just some of the terms recently used to describe London four piece Queen Adreena. Pete Wadeson explores the warped mind of vocalist and original riot grrrl Katie Jane Garside.

Exciting, emotionally charged gigs that teeter close to the shambolic have created a buzz around Queen Adreena, not seen since anarcho-grindsters Daisy Chainsaw rattled walls of the pubs and clubs in the early nineties. No suprise then that vocalist Katie Jane Garside also fronted the aformentioned band. With her gutteral howl and unpredicatable Iggy-style stage performances, offset by long blonde dreadlocks and ripped antique dresses, the band not only rattled venue walls but also airwaves thanks to their suprise top 40 single Love Your Money. Refusing to sell-out by playing the game with the lip-synching manufactured pop posturing hype-machines (they turned down a TOTP performance) it was hardly suprising Daisy Chainsaw - sooner rather than later self imploded. Tensions, particularybetween Garside and guitarist Crispin Gray, although always turbulent, finally snapped in 1993. Garside by her own admission was lurching close to a breakdown having said of the time “If I hadn’t left it would have killed me. I was trying to make something mine that wasn’t mine. Because I didn’t write the songs I could never give enough, never go far enough. I couldn’t bleed in words, I couldn’t bleed in lyrics - I could only bleed in performance and that meant attacking me, literally.” A fact all to evident to anyone who witnessed the band live at the time.

Well, that was then and this is now as they say. So whatever happened to Katie Jane? It’s been seven long years since the Chainsaw’s final massacre and through the filth and fury Katie Jane has fought inner demons to return to the fray with a new band, that consists of cross dressing bassist Orson Wajih, drummer Billy Freedom and amazingly old sparring partner and guitarist Crispin Gray. Proof positive that Garside and Gray have a bond that lasts far beyond the trials and tribulations that forced them apart and seemingly bears testament to the fact the Daisy Chainsaw legacy is relevant to the present.

“Daisy Chainsaw relate absolutely to the present in the sense that I wouldn’t be doing what I’m doing now if I hadn’t done what I did then. It’s a page in my diary. I come from the school of no choice, I think theres no such thing as choices as everything that I do right this moment is created by everything that I do right this moment is created by everything I did before that, Queen Adreena is the next chapter of the book.”

Virtually impossible to catagorise, the bands debut album ‘Taxidermy’ released on Blanco Y Negro, bears witness that somebody somewhere believes in the band big time. Whilst Queen Adreena are a tight, musically accomplished unit equally at home mixing hard edge punky riffs and haunting melodies with the occasional psychedelic soundscape, it’s Katie’s inexplicable presence that draws the eye and attention of public and media alike. Her sexuality is obvious in the way she looks, dresses and lyrically voices her views on the world she perceives. So is what we see manufactured for the public consumption or the real Katie Jane Garside?

“No, who do you think came up with this look? What you see is what you get. I think the most truthful performance should involve a little bit of altered state and transcendence but I think while performing you just get magnified. I live under the microscope when I perform. Everything that’s tiny gets big.”

But what influences the complexity of Garside’s musical visions? “I always cite white noise as my biggest influence, it’s the sound of the sea, the sound of the wind, it’s everywhere. That sound sends me into a complete trance. I find it a very beautiful thing. But i don’t separate things. Music to date has been my focus and it’s given me my sanctity; it protects me. I’m doing what time tells me to do, if it works it works, if it doesn’t then it’s not for the want of trying because we work really hard.” This work ethic has seen Queen Adreena visit the States which was an eye opening experience for Katie Jane.

“I used to find it very frightening as there’s no control there, but its also very exciting. Sometimes life of the edge of the cliff’s a lot healthier, theres a brutal honesty to it. L.A.’s extraordinary, we played the Viper Room but it was very strange - New York suited us better, its darker and grittier.” By her own admission Katie’s honesty and previous naivety is the result of an up bringing whereupon she moved frequently, even spending years with her family sailing around the world. Hardly suprising Katie has a myriad of experiences, dreams and imaginings to slip in and out off to fuel her eclectic lyricism. Some may say even the fragile hold she has on reality. “I’m a child of the sea - because i lived on a boat for a long time. When i came back i went to a really hardcore secondary modern school so i changed from being this innocent person not understanding the norm and how you should behave to knowing how you should be. Sexuality became quite fetishised for me - it became quite distorted. I think it is for everybody, but it’s all behind closed doors. I like to magnify that world, i wear it on the outside.”

The facet of Garside is highlighted in the short Black and White film, which is included on the debut album. In this bizarre visual experience Katie can be seen naked riding guitarist Gray who crawls on all fours with a big between his teeth. In the past Katie has been accused of being fascinated by the fetish world, this would seem to be proof of that - is she obsessed? “Yes I am, because I think there’s a lot of truth down there, there’s a lot of truth under the floorboards. We’re animals, we’re blood. There’s a thin veneer of control. "At risk of saying something very dangerous there’s a tribe in Africa where children’s sexuality is completely out in the open and they’re not discouraged from being sexual and it’s numbered as one of the only tribes in the whole world that’s not been to war.”

Unconventional!? Maybe, but Katie’s obviously not afraid to voice her opinion. Suprisingly though, Ms Garside readily admits finding it hard to deal with 'real’ life. “I can’t define the difference between imagination, fantasy and so called real life. I think that’s why I do what I do, dancing around on stage showing my knickers,” She laughs, Katie Jane doesn’t seem to laugh a lot but when she does it’s very infectious. She continues “But it’s playing live where i feel most comfortable. Because I have led an isolated life I was rapidly in danger of not being here. I don’t find communication on a mundane level in day-to-day life easy. I perform to understand myself, i write songs to understand myself.”

Though she denies it, Katie’s had more than a little influence on the whole riot grrrl scene. In particular Courtney Love, who has pinpointed Katie Jane as one of the 3 women who paved the way for the whole phenomena, Katie seems equally enamoured with Courtney. “I think Courtney is stunning, she’s undeniable, she’s an archtypal force, a goddess. She’s Kali!” gushes Garside. “You can draw a parallel to what I said earlier. Everything that Courtney is, is a result of what happened before. Why should she keep ploughing the same furrow year after year? the fact she’s survived is extraordinary, so all power to her - she can do no wrong.”

[get-back-homeward]

Ram Revisited

Paul and Linda record their album Ram from October 1970 to March 1971, and it is released May 17, 1971. By May 26, John already had his infamous response, recording How Do You Sleep. This song gets a lot of attention for how cruel it seemed. One of John’s defenses by the album’s launch was that Paul had written special messages to him on Ram, only Paul didn’t print the lyrics so you couldn’t hear them. He mentions it a couple times, in print...

and at St Regis hotel press conference for the album release:

JOHN: But... I was laughing at [Ram] later, but first, I was saying, “Oh! Hmm. Oh, I see. Oh, that’s what he thinks,” huffing and puffing. That’s the first thing I heard on his album, was all this – this message, you see. [x]

JOHN: It’s just a moment of anger. But I just put it down on paper. And also, I’m answering Paul’s last album, which mostly because he didn’t hand out a lyric sheet, [people] don’t know what he was saying [on it]. [x]

JOHN: You mightn’t hear ‘em, but I can hear ‘em, and I know Paul. [x] 

and during live interviews, where he gets cut off from finishing his point every time. But he seems particularly bothered by the lack of printed lyrics.

JOHN: Little messages that Paul sent to me on Ram. Which, funny, I publish my lyrics you see. He doesn’t, so you have to listen. [x]

It’s tempting to laugh at this, if you think it’d just an excuse for HDYS, or call him kookoo, if you think he’s just obsessed with Paul and reading things that aren’t there. But I find the comments rather curious in light of idea that the Beatles, particularly John and Paul, had a shared language that dates back to when they were kids in Liverpool and was used as late as 1969 as seen in Get Back. By design, the language is used to protect and exclude, so any analysis by outsiders will probably be utterly meaningless. But I thought I’d take it on face value that John was hearing something the average listener couldn’t without printed lyrics to try to understand the root of the anger that drives HDYS.

As a thought experiment, I decided to relisten to Ram for the first time while reading the lyrics, with an eye for words I couldn’t hear (or misheard before) along with album themes. Full disclosure, I’ve always listened to this album while working on something else, so while I may be have seen looked up lyrics for a song or two independently (Too Many People, Back Seat), I didn’t read them while listening to the song or consider them in the context of the full album, all of which create a different experience. I used Spotify’s lyrics function while listening to the 2012 remastered album, so any lyric variations may be Spotify’s fault.

Starting from the top. The album begins with Too Many People, which opens with an indiscernible line that’s a play on words.

Piss off cake-->piece of cake. I had no idea that’s what he was singing at the start. For 20 years, I heard this line as “this I got to say-ay-ay”. That said, “piss off cake” still doesn’t tell us much. I’m with this guess that this phrase is an in-joke turned nasty, like a firing shot John heard right at the start.

Two “mistakes” are mentioned here. The first mistake gets a lot of attention (”going underground”, “took your lucky break and broke it in two”) and is generally attributed to John asking for a divorce/leaving the band, though I question it (see below). But the last mistake is the hidden dagger I never heard without looking up the lyrics:

“I find my love awake and waiting to be...” followed by the stinger chord is an unfinished sentence. The verb ‘be’ is doing all the work, suggesting a missing past participle left unsaid. John is no stranger to using simple verbs to stand in for prohibited ones, as Norwegian Wood and Don’t Let Me Down show. Paul stops just short of making it vulgar, but the implication is there. By making the arena in bed, the suggestion is inherently sexual--not only in the unfinished sentence but also in the 1-minute guitar solo climax that follows, complete with dog howling. This makes the dagger a sexual taunt, and I keep trying to hear other interpretations, but I only hear one: Literally this could have been you in my bed but you blew it and now I have her. Not ever but never again. It’s a closed door. Slammed in your face. Now what can be done for you? as the guitar goes wild. Suggestive of bedroom fun you’re shut off from.

Okay, I can see how that could ignite someone’s anger, especially one prone to jealousy.

The trouble I have with this is timing. If “first mistake” is the divorce meeting (Sept 20) then what is the “last mistake” that deserves this sexual taunt? Paul always talks about the divorce meeting as if John declaring he’s leaving the band and wanting a divorce (from him) as the same moment. Maybe the “first mistake” is mislabeled, as John’s “going underground” wish begins in 1968 with Yoko and his controversial public actions from nude album covers to bagism events (not to mention private actions like covering personal debt and bringing outsiders into the recording studio) that caused a schism at Apple at its crucial first few months. Paul talks about summer 1968 as a difficult time for him, where he felt like everything was falling apart. Dick James their publisher is watching all of this and making business calculations. By March 1969, in the middle of their honeymoons with their wives, he decides to sell Northern Songs.

Would John pinpoint his "first mistake” as Yoko? IDK. He’d know when his relationship with Paul got rocky, at least professionally. They seem to be arguing about this underground direction as early as May 1968 (NYC), perhaps even earlier. In interviews, Yoko seems to focus on this part, which may indicate her feeling it was about her.

But if the “first mistake” is May 1968 and in the realm of music/business/professional, then the “last mistake” is the final straw and it’s personal.

Don’t let them tell you what you want to be

Paul recounts September 20 as if John betrayed him, getting him to sign the EMI contract before telling him he wanted the divorce. Paul felt tricked, like the rug was pulled out from under him. The hidden dagger in the song works the same way.

The second track, 3 Legs, begins innocently enough (When I walk on my horse upon the hill). It seems like empty nonsense until this accusation:

It’s a explicitly John-directed lyric: Paul’s emotional state is caused by John’s actions. I still hear “you let me down” (recalling Don’t Let Me Down) even though the original lyrics sheet says “left” and these printed ones say “laid.” So it’s worth taking a closer look at the rest.

This is a weird lyric taken literally. Paul’s doodling a three-legged thing and a three-legged dog on the lyrics sheet for this song. The dog doesn’t look like any of the dogs they had at the time to my knowledge. Dog could be a stand-in for another word John understood.

I enjoy @jobey-wan-kenobi’s​ idea of “three leg” as surrealist imagery that suggests an off-kiltered scene and reflects the writer’s state of mind. Both John and Paul spoke about being inspired by surrealist art and using it in lyrics to mask.

Didn’t John talk about having a reoccurring dream of flying above the clouds as a kid? I believe he used it to justify his whole egocentric interpretation of Strawberry Fields. But this flying seems the opposite of an ego trip:

He’s so unstable, the listener could knock him down from his flight with a feather.

But you know it’s not allowed

Ram On is the nearest to the title track but only a wisp of a thing, so it gets lost in the attention to Too Many People. I swear every time I hear it, I hear it another way.

Is it about needing love quickly? You’ll take anyone who appears next around the bend? Or is it about the unpredictability or impermanence of love? The someone round the bend coming to take the somebody you just gave your heart to? It shapeshifts, depending on how you approach it. But the second one reminds me of what John says later about love slipping away as soon as you look at it directly, as soon as you try to possess it completely. And hey what was that in 3 Legs?

When I thought, when I thought you was my friend... But you laid me down Put my heart round the bend

That lyrical link suggests the latter option. The earlier question in 3 Legs also fits with this theme of the unpredictability of love.

When I walk, when I walk On my horse upon the hill... Will my lover love me still?

But it may also suggest freedom. To do your own thing outside and then return home with a lover waiting. Like Too Many People. She’s waiting for me...

Big Barn Bed (not released til 1973) is first recorded with other 1970 Ram home recordings. It starts as a coda for Ram On and later becomes its own song. It has a similar “round the bend” line: Who’s that coming round the corner? Will it be my friend?

Which suggests more anticipation than worry but gives the same feeling of unpredictability toward the listener who is also the friend who let him down.

Bug lore is that John thought Dear Boy was for him, though I’m having trouble finding a source on that. I always found it pretty hilarious, as I do think it fits best with Paul’s story that it’s Linda’s ex-husband. The “When I stepped in” part makes sense with that interpretation. But it’s funny to think about John thinking it’s about him:

What’s John hearing Paul say here? I loved you and you didn’t even see it! And you know what, maybe Paul knew John would hear it like that and it was half the fun. It’s not hard to see that Paul identified with Linda’s feeling of being unappreciated in her prior marriage. And it’s common for Paul to start a song about one person or idea and then it becomes transformed into being about something else. Layers are possible in all their songs. John talks about the layers he hears in their old songs in Jan 1969, layers that he didn’t hear when they wrote them. So it’s possible John heard this connection. It may have just made him angry because John suggests elsewhere that he was the one who felt unappreciated and neglected.

However, even with Paul’s interpretation, John still shows up as the reason Paul’s heart was down and out and positions Linda as an antidote:

Oh what a tangled web we weave

When first we practice to deceive

I always filed away Uncle Albert/Admiral Halsey as a simple character mashup. But looking at the words, I started to question that. Could Uncle Albert, a real uncle of Paul’s, also act as a stand-in character for someone else? The theme of no one left at home is echoed in Little Lamb Dragonfly, which is home recorded with RAM songs but held back until 1973 Red Rose Speedway.

But the line that follows is a peculiar one. I always thought I was hearing it wrong, surely it is it’s gonna rain. But the lyrics tell me it’s I’m gonna rain:

So could it be a metaphor or stand-in for an emotion like sadness or a visible reaction like crying? Or is it like 3 Leg? More surrealist projection of instability when charting new waters.

The second section, Admiral Halsey, has nautical themes that suggest more than meets the eye. Remember both John and Paul talked about the Beatles as a boat, with John talking about leaving the Beatles as jumping off Paul’s boat and onto Yoko’s boat.

Paul’s delivery of “berth” sounds like “bath” to me, so I can’t see how anyone could pick up this line in full before, except maybe if you knew that’s how Paul pronounces -er- sounds. But it certainly is a suggestive of a metaphor for a significant event. Perhaps about the day that Ringo as the messenger notified Paul about the McCartney release date change (to make room for his own album)? Or more personally, about Paul having to back away from John to make room for Yoko?

But what on earth is butter pie? Wiki tells me it’s a Lancashire-based savory pie of onions and potatoes (so meatless). But my mind goes straight to Penny Lane (finger pies), so I’m just gonna assume it’s something dirty.

Hands across the water, hands across the sky

Linda’s harmonies and backing vocals are just so cool. It had to have gotten to John that she so easily fits into this vocal role next to Paul, especially in the more silly moments featured here. Especially considering humor was such a large component of John and Paul’s relationship.

There’s limitations to printing lyrics though and I get Paul’s right to not print them earlier because sometimes it take away from all the wordplay and double meanings inherent in the sounds of the words. For example, I always heard some of these “smile away”s in Smile Away as “it’s my way,” and so I’m surprised that phrase is never printed in the lyrics:

However, given the double meanings elsewhere, I think it’s worth still considering because "it’s my way” fits into the album theme of not blindly following along and finding your own path.

Don’t let them tell you what you want to be

A lot of focus is on Too Many People as the trigger for How Do You Sleep. But it’s a question directed a line from Heart Of The Country.

I’m gonna get me a good night sleep

It’s the one respite on the whole album and I can see how the image of smug Paul could send John in a writing fury.

Monkberry Moon Delight plays with “ketchup” and “catch up” and both of these appear in the lyrics. But is it beretta the gun or biretta the hat? Or something else? Ram sessions include Oh Woman Oh Why with gun sounds that gets left off the album, and photos from the session show Paul holding a prop gun. There’s also a gun-like object drawn on the Ram back cover. So maybe he did mean the gun. Inclusion of that song would have turned the tone of entire album, from jaunty taunts to serious violence, so it’s the right choice to keep it off. John would only hear the beretta line here with “banana” and the gun on the back cover:

and i don’t get the gist of your letter

Considering John and Paul are sending letters back and forth across 1970, this line sounds like a taunt for John alone. Along with what follows:

don’t get left behind

which makes this...

...another sexual taunt like Too Many People. Haha, look at what you’re missing!

If you’re doubting that, the track order clears it up fast because it’s followed immediately by....

Eat At Home. No explanation required.

It is an outright banger. No way John wasn’t a tad impressed by it. Even if it exudes those aggressive “I am having so much fun with my wife right now and not even thinking of you” vibes that left John shook.

Am I the only one that thought some of these “little lady”s were “lad”s? Paul stresses the -d so the -y sounds silent except for Linda’s backing. The result is pretty...ambiguous at times.

So I’m left thinking it’s a bit odd how this song ends on the negative: don’t do that. If the sexual connotation starts it, it ends with something that sounds unwanted, like it goes too far. A revoking of consent. But is it the lad(y) going too far? Or someone else?

Don’t let them tell you what you want to be

Long Haired Lady is an ode to Linda that starts with a jokey call and response between Paul and Linda and builds into a section that channels The Mamas & The Papas with lush, blissfully layered harmonies:

I’m good up til “win or lose it” but I don’t know if anyone could have heard “into the soul”. I’m not so sure it matters much, but the suggestion seems to be that love continues whether or not you “win or lose” love. That no matter if you are wrong, love is stable, constant. Wait, where have I heard that before?

Generally, I find Back Seat of My Car to be the strangest one for John to think was directed at him (and Yoko?). It’s just so big and sweeping and wasn’t Paul and Linda the one who did the joyriding? But that whole we believe that we can’t be wrong really got to him. He mentions it a lot, sometimes attributing the line to him and Yoko and other times to Paul and Linda about them (”well I believe that you could possibly be wrong!“). It’s a real hangup for John around this time, the idea that Paul is always right and he is wrong. Seeing Paul’s predictive powers, I can see how infuriating it would be after a while, and how comforting it would be to have people around you who counter that, to tell you “no, you are right and he’s wrong.” How it’d make you dig your heels in and work hard to get people off the McCartney bandwagon.

There’s a whole gibberish sounding section not picked up in the printed lyrics that sounds like “everyone’s tried to love her” or “i’m gonna try to love her” sung at an auctioneer’s pacing. You could possibly read something into that depending on what you hear.

Here’s another mention of “my way” after “highway”, suggestive of the idiom “my way or the highway”. The second half of the “looking for a ride” lines I can’t hear even with the lyrics:

“and all I found” would have been my guess.

But if you’re taking everything else as a sexual taunt, looking for a ride could hold a double meaning.

The climatic ending of the song and album is the height of choosing your own way and building your own world:

We believe that we can’t be wrong

A brash assertion of confidence in your own choices? A mocking condemnation of someone else’s choices? Or aggressive positivity to vanquish agonizing about whether you’re right or wrong? Like others on the album, it depends on how you look at it. But the first option fits with the overall album theme, with the third behind it as another layer.

There’s a snowglobe imagery to the feeling of this ending. Swirling and wondrous and heady but also contained and protective and isolated by design, living in this world you’ve built for yourself. You control it to a point while fearing what’s outside, the unpredictability of the future and the unknown of what’s waiting for you around the bend. 

Wrapup

Overall, there’s a story in the album themes. Starting with a declaration of independence and naming mistakes and ending with the denial of wrongness, suggesting your own. From John’s comments, we know he got that part. In between a conditional: if you choose wrong, love is long. Throughout, the main theme is strong, finding your own way and building a new life to push forward, which makes the cover less of a joke and more of an apt metaphor for a precisely crafted album. The pronouns look fairly consistent too, which is a big surprise to me: you are sending hearts around the bend, but she waits for me. There’s double meanings galore with possible sexual taunts as hidden daggers. But, above all, there is the repeated need for love that’s in alignment amidst confusion and miscommunication.

Will my lover love me still? (3 Legs)

Bring the love that you feel for me in line with the love I see (Eat At Home)

Do you love me like you know you ought to do? (Long-Haired Woman)

The trouble with any shared language is what may get lost from the communicator to the listener. If you get 9 out of 10 things but the 10th thing was important for understanding the other 9, the risk of misunderstanding is still huge. So I’m left wondering whether John listened to the album enough in those first 9 days to hear these lines before recording HDYS. He may have regretted venting his anger in more obvious public daggers than Paul’s more hidden ones the more he listened. By September, he knows the album well enough to sing an exact match on the spot.

Undoubtedly, John knew just where to hit because he knew Paul’s weaknesses. He shows that by dragging it into the public sphere. If Paul’s messages are directed at John but subtle or hidden, John’s messages are blatant as neon lights about Paul to the world. There’s an unevenness there that makes us uneasy.

By focusing on John brandishing the dagger so obviously in one song, it’s easy to miss the hidden daggers in Ram along the gems. A concealed dagger can do the same damage. But the overall theme of needing a constant unwavering love is one they ultimately shared, signalling a place where they could find common ground once the anger cleared.

[solar-halos]

do u ever think about the way olivia rodrigo invented music

just kidding i know the emotions she sings about have existed since the beginning of time but im just now realizing that if i was born in the taylor swift era i would 100% be a swiftie bc i was thinking abt olivia rodrigo’s music the other day and unironically had the thought “wow she literally invented having emotions” before i managed to catch myself. but honestly i think it’s crazy how accurately she captures all these feelings of insecurity and heartbreak (and now joy!) so perfectly!!

“lacy” and “pretty isn’t pretty” seem so similar on the surface, but i feel like lacy is more of a gradual realization that no matter what u do—or how ur actually perceived—you will never feel as feminine as u want to. there will always be people (aka Lacy) who are gonna be effortlessly elegant and beautiful and feminine and feeling jealous of that is so fuckin stupid but that doesn’t stop u from caring. and then i like “pretty isn’t pretty” bc i feel like that’s the aftermath of Lacy. idk the part abt her trying every shade of lipstick really hit bc when i was first experimenting w makeup i remember feeling so insecure that none of them seemed “my” color. also i really like the gradual buildup of “it’s in my phone/head/magazines/the boys i bring to bed” bc i feel like that describes the pipeline so well

anyway now let’s get into the new songs she released. i’m actually not sure if they’re new bc when i searched it up after it popped up on my spotify google said she released this back in 2023? so idk. but her youtube channel literally has this all released within the last few days. but my favorite thing about these songs is how im in the same era she’s in rn. that happened to me with “sour” and “guts” reopened a lot of those old wounds, so i absolutely love the healing theme (? i know that’s not the right word but it’s hard to think rn) this album has. let’s start off with obsessed since that popped up for me first

obsessed? yeah, obsessed with this fucking song. seriously. “if you knew how much i thought about her you’d think i was in love” already starting off on a banger. also i watched the mv and i loved it. this song literally couldn’t have came at a more perfect time, yall ever just randomly remember that ur s/o has dated ppl that aren’t u before? chilling realization, really

scared of my guitar? “i can’t lie to it the same way i like to you”? “i lay in your arms and pretend that it’s love”? “i’d rather be tied to someone even if they’re wrong”? oh my god. i was literally thinking about this the other day. like, being in a relationship bc u want to be or if it’s bc you’re scared of being by yourself. and i also like the fact that it’s insinuating that the other person is the better half. bc sometimes it does feel like literally just loving someone when you struggle so much with the thoughts i mentioned is just the same as stringing them along. but then also i think it’s nice to pretend you’re in love bc obviously at the beginning of a relationship you have no idea if it’s ever going to go that far, so i think we often fall in love with the idea of being loved. which sounds a bit corny when i put it like that, but scared of my guitar made *me* feel like a tortured poet bc i used to be like “im chill ! :o)” and then open up ao3 and write a billy taupe/lucy gray story like girl…. that’s not the same as olivia rodrigo being folksy and cute

speaking of being folksy and cute, “girl i’ve always been” is so folksy and cute! i literally hate country music so fucking much (i’m sorry… one time this guy in hs played God’s Country in front of the class for a presentation and he stood there kinda ominously so ever since then i’ve kinda hated it) but this song was nice i liked it! i like the confidence it exudes, someone already mentioned this in the comments but it really is giving off lucy gray vibes, especially “with venom on my tongue u ask me who i’ve become” like okayyy someone needs to write a billy taupe/ lucy gray inspired story abt that line immediately. i don’t really have much more to say since this one was the one i found the least personally relatable, but i love the sassiness of it all!!

stranger. this one was a FUCKING banger, this was the sort of era i was in when guts released so im so glad miss olivia rodrigo could put the feeling of realizing u don’t *need* someone u thought u literally couldn’t live without into words. “i always thought it was some comforting lie ppl told” literally. also the call back to “enough for you” by saying “if im not enough for you then you’re not enough for me either” :,). i think growing up is quite nice

so american. fav! <3 <3 <3. “he’s like a poem i wish i wrote” hands down my favorite lyric fucking ever. i LOVE this song. like i said with “lacy” and “pretty isn’t pretty” bleeding into each other, i think the same applies w this song and “scared of my guitar.” like after u get over ur fear of ur guitar u realize that ur so american and suddenly wanting to get married and be in love doesn’t seem so selfish anymore. i really, really love this song (if i haven’t already mentioned that)

sorry, i know this was a long post! stranger had me bursting into tears so i told Boyfriend i needed to write in my “notes app” abt it so everyone say hi Boyfriend. but seriously im feeling so american rn i literally was like “leave me alone and don’t touch me im feeling explosively emotional” and he was like ok! here’s some fruit. and then now im writing on my phone about songs i love. like is there any better feeling??

[nicoscheer]

X

He’s gonna be the fucking death of me first killing the joke and now silverscreen 😭😭😭

Indie rock icon, last shadow Puppets star and one of Merseyside’s most notable musical exports, Miles Kane, returned this year with his fifth album ‘One man Band’. Following on from his last two records which are packed with Glam stompers, the new album saw him dive back into the punchy Indie sound that first earned him waves of fans. We spoke with Miles about how his songwriting, style and sound have evolved over the years…

Q. You’ve had a productive spell recently releasing two albums in two years, have you enjoyed focusing on you solo work?

A. “Yeah, I think especially on this record. I just love making tunes, you know? I think on this one, it was great working with our James, my cousin from the Coral and Alfie Skelly too. Also, not having that pressure of a major label and just being fully in control of what I want to do. There’s always a plan and an expectation but I think I’ve really taken control of the ship on this album. I think I just got in a zone. It wasn’t a/masked but the quality of songs came quite quick, which doesn’t always happen.”

Q. How important to you is your visual identity as an artist?

A. “It’s always been massively important with me, whether it’s super stylized suits or glam rock makeup. There’s many sides to my sort of style, but on the new album I’ve just been feeling the more casual side both in life and in music. I just wanted it to be not super posed and sexy, I wanted it to feel more natural.”

Q. What drove you to write the track ‘Baggio’

A. “Im obsessed with Italian shirts and always have been as a kid. So I think it was a story about that childhood and my intriguement/ obsession with Italian football. It’s more of a song about childhood, reminiscing and remembering these specific little things. For me, it was World Cup 94, watching Italy and seeing Baggio. You could have said Oasis or something like that but Baggio’s a bit cooler and I think people around me like James and Alfie were like ‘Oh, this is so you’ because obviously they know me and I think that’s why it connected. I think at first some people were like, ‘ what are you on about there?’ but it’s these kinds of songs that I’m glad I stuck to my guts on.”

Q. Was it fun to explore the retro football style too with the single ‘Baggio’?

A. “Yeah, I love all that. I love all the old footy shirts because I think it sort of takes me back to a weird comfort memory of being a kid and I think a lot of those old footy shirts are super chic. The photo of me in the Baggio shirt wasn’t like a set up photo shoot. Chaz who plays bass was bringing his camera in and took that. I guess it was more candid and summed up the album better for me than trying to look cool or giving it the big one.”

Q. Are there any other celebrity icons or physical anchors you use to inspire your songwriting?

A. “Yeah, loads man. Rocky… fucking Al Pacino. There’s loads of wrestlers that I’ve taken inspiration from. I get very inspired by stuff like that, whether it be a jacket or it’s a bit of makeup or whatever, I’m quite obsessed. I get the mood of something I’m into and it’ll inspire me to do my version of that feeling. It sounds quite mad to explain it, but for me, that just works”.

Q. You’ve written songs on Merseyside, in London, America, at home or on tour… does your environment impact the kind of songs you’re writing?

A. “I’d say it’s more about where you’re at in your head you know. A lot of the songs on the new album were written up north and a lot was written on my couch in London where I am now. If I wanted to go and make a reggae album in Jamaica maybe that would have a big effect on it haha but, for me, I think it’s more about where I’m at in my mind.”

Q. How has Merseyside impacted you as a musician and as a person?

A. “Where you’re from is who you are, isn’t it, it’s everything. I’ve learned from all those Merseyside bands, The Coral, The Zutons, The Bunnymen, Teardrops, The Beatles. I saw them and wanted to be like them guys, you know? It was just engraved in me. I probably wouldn’t be sat here talking to you without them.”

Q. Which is your favorite track to play live off the new record?

A. “I could play this whole album live to be honest! I think ‘Never taking me alive’ is my favorite track ever to play to be honest. It’s kind of my new ‘Inhaler’ or ‘Come closer’, it’s got that big old riff and the big energy. I love that side of my tunes. Making this album I really fell in love with playing guitar again. I really want the guitar to be at the front just as much as the words are. I’ve really embraced that side of myself. Again, it’s simpler and I think that suits me. I like those other sides of me, don’t get me wrong but give me a riff and some lyrics and that’ll do me mate.”

-

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by BOOT - - - MUSIC Magazine (@bootmusicuk)

Part of the interview above

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by BOOT - - - MUSIC Magazine (@bootmusicuk)

Miles reposted with 👌🏽

-09/01/2024-

X

Oh do I love him (the lipstick paired with him so openly talking bout using glam makeup in the above interview 🫶🏽🫶🏽🥰)

Please i can’t he’s so dog dad; good to know he loves Maxie just as much as we do (the audio says “you talking to me?!”(from taxi driver)

[solarwynd]

seeing the pattern for the english trilogy and last year, hybe definitely sees summer as the primetime slot so whoever they think will do best will get that june-august slot. It would make sense for it to be jin since he’s the only to promote physically, but the timing’s too tight, it would be august at best and that if he’s barely involved in the prep or had songs ready before enlisting. I could see Jimin getting the primetime spot since realistically it will likely perform the best, but its always some fuckery w hybe. nj needs to drop that album/project (which i suspect is also a visual album 🤣) already bc I fear the ��hype” he’s building is not proportional to the reception it will get.

whoever goes first will set the expectations for armys and respective solos on how album releases go without them present so that will be interesting to see.

“bc I fear the “hype” he’s building is not proportional to the reception it will get.”

(I mean I don’t disagree but let’s give him a chance at least 😭 ) I don’t think any artist goes in thinking “I should tame down the hype because I might not get good commercial results” it’s just the hope that they could alongside just wanting to get their art out there. Will say though if his album does end up being a visual, that’ll be 2/2 for hybe having the capacity to give bts members one while denying jimin his and I’m just gonna have to see bang in hell for that.

A summertime release doesn’t guarantee success but it’s a coveted spot because everybody wants a summer hit. Hybe’s objective is to not have jimin do super well. The last thing they’d want is for him to have a genuine summer hit with legs like Like Crazy. But I also don’t think they care when pjm2 releases because worst case scenario they screw with him regardless. And since he’s not here, chances are they’re gonna have a deciding factor one when the album will drop anyway (if it wasn’t already agreed on beforehand)

They could give that slot to jin. I feel like hybe knows that with him returning armys would try to give him the best results they could while also not being a threat to the structure. But since he’s coming back around festa, I could see another fan song drop too. Not really too tuned in for either, because my priority is jimin not to get sanwhiched, or sabotaged above anything else. I have no clue what gonna happen with promo considering that jimin’s not here. I’m sure he recorded things, but that’s still ultimately gonna be in the hands of hybe as well.

“whoever goes first will set the expectations for armys and respective solos on how album releases go without them present so that will be interesting to see. “

Absolutely, but armys have ever needed the members being present as incentive to do better for them though. It’s 25% out of love for that member and the other 75% because they’re chart obsessed. This will be the first time with none of bts being around so it could be different. I do believe that if joon does go first, they’ll try to give him better results than indigo, but they’ve never been as dedicated with rapline as maknae line. So longevity is already looking iffy. If he gets lucky like yoongi did in going right after jimin I could maybe see those numbers increasing a tad. Especially considering armys go into overdrive with that condition, but I’m still very much rebuking it lmao.

[married-2-the-music]

Tell Me What To Do; A Letter To Jonghyun

If you’ve ever stumbled across one of my posts before, you’ll probably know me as a (maybe somewhat harsh) reviewer, who will always take the chance to rhapsodize about harmonizing and complain about Dynamite. But that’s not what this is; I did write a review about JH’s work but this is different; I want to start off not with my “credentials” but with a story. I’ve been a casual k-pop fan since early 2019 through BLACKPINK and a deeper fan since March of the year after, when I discovered Red Velvet.

In late November of 2020, during lockdown, I lost one of the people I loved most in the world. I was still a teenager (barely younger than he was when he debuted in SHINee), and I felt alone and isolated in that grief. Just three weeks later, on December 18th, three years ago now, I was scrolling on social media when I came across posts memorializing Jonghyun. I had heard his name mentioned, through Yeri of Red Velvet, but had never taken the time to really listen, and I finally did.

It gives me no joy to say that I discovered that he had made a plan; his last album, Poet | Artist was released just a month after he chose to leave the world, a final gift to the fans who had watched him grow up for both so long and not nearly long enough. When I looked closer, I saw people mourning, people celebrating, and most of all, people remembering. The k-pop world had just lost two more idols to suicide, Sulli (Choi Jinri, of f(x)), and Hara (Goo Hara, of KARA), and the messages surrounding mental health had never been stronger. It was this that finally got through to me, like a lightbulb going off, and I went, “Shit. I think I have depression.”

Now, I’m not going to credit him with saving my life because I have no idea what would’ve happened, but to this day, it’s Jonghyun’s voice that sings “tell me what to do” on the 6:45 alarm reminding me to take my anti-depressants. To this day, it’s his music that I turn to when I need comfort. In his memory, I try to continue what he did for me. I take December 18th as a day to be just a little bit of a better person—a better sister, a better daughter, and a better friend both to others and to myself—as much as I possibly can.

Jonghyun’s discography is only five albums, less than three hours long. The mere fact of this makes me sad. I wish I could tell a story with a happier ending, one that I finish by saying that he’s still here, still on his 27th collection of wonderful stories, still teasing the hell out of the band members who loved him more than anything, still being a dork who brightens everyone’s day with the same humor that made me laugh for the first time in a month the first time I came across it.

But, no matter how good of a writer I think I am, I can’t do that. All I can do is what all of us can do, which is remember who he was, respect the art he created, and continue the great advocacy he started. In this, I’m trying to do all three.

I can’t really put into words the feelings I have about this. Writing it has reminded me how grateful I am, not only that I found Jonghyun and his story, not only that I became a Shawol, but that I became a k-pop fan in general. After finding SHINee, I became a fan of Gfriend, Girls Generation, Seventeen, (G)I-DLE, Stray Kids, Sunmi, and, of course, Dreamcatcher, whose music is now a part of me too.

I know that I’ve probably made this way more about me than it should’ve been, but I’d like to end by saying this: I know that k-pop (and being a fan of it) are seen as something to mock, something only done by insecure, screeching teenage girls with too much free time on their hands who are obsessed with random men they’ve never met. And maybe that is who I was in 2019.

But to me now, and so many other people I know, it is stories like mine that are the real reason why we choose to dedicate so much of our precious free time to something that so many people deem childish. I’m a linguistics major, and I can tell you firsthand that music is one of very few things that can break a language barrier and reach people across the world. Had Jonghyun’s not reached me, I don’t know where I’d be. But I wouldn’t be here, and I definitely wouldn’t be a linguistics major. As he wrote in his book, “Even though we can’t communicate using the same language, we use music instead.”

Jonghyun broke boundaries in k-pop, with his openness, his self-producing, his prolific writing, his advocacy, and, of course, his incredible kindness. Both our community and the world as a whole were very lucky to have him for as long as we did, which still wasn’t nearly long enough. He changed the lives of so many people—he changed mine, without me even knowing the word “K-pop” at the time he passed away—and overall, he made the world just a little easier for everybody else, no matter how hard it was for himself. Whenever I have my bad days, I listen to his music; I ask him to tell me what to do. And I make myself a promise: that whatever I do, I will never make the decision that he did.

Whether he’s out there and whether he’s listening or not, I’d just like to say thank you, Jonghyun, for changing my life. You did so, so, well, and, in an odd way, I’m incredibly proud of you and all you managed to accomplish despite the kind of pain you went through. I hope that, even though we never got the chance to meet, you would be proud of me too.

And thank you, for taking the time to read this. I hope that whoever you are and whatever Jonghyun means to you, you find a little comfort in the fact that you are not alone in it. However you want to grieve (or not grieve) is valid. If you’ve never heard of our wonderful singer before, take this as a sign to take ten minutes to learn something about a truly beautiful human.

And if you have, take this as a reminder to take your medication, get some sleep, and check in with your friends. Though Jonghyun thought that what he did was the only way out, he was wrong, because I’ve been there. I’m still there, sometimes. But take this as reassurance that it’ll get better. It might not be better tomorrow and it might not be better for a while. But it will get better.

Happy holidays, folks. Take care of yourselves out there. Tschüss and Fröhliche Weihnachten!

[winterrhayle]

rank red and lover and evermore

ok i should’ve expected this many☠️☠️☠️☠️

red (taylor’s version) this one is so difficult to rank bc its so LONG and tbh ive already changed my mind on the bottom rankings so ignore the numbers oh and im not ranking ronan bc. yeah.

i almost do - i literally could not tell you why but this has been my favourite song from red for a long long time,, probably because i’ve never gotten over anything ever

better man - WHY WASNT THIS ON THE ORIGINAL ALBUM😭😭😭😭😭😭

the moment i knew - AND IT WAS LIKE SLOOOWWW MOTION STANDING THERE IN MY PARTY DRESSS IN REEEEED LIPSTICK QITH NO ONE TO IMPRESS ok this song was always in my top 3 for red but atw10 really elevated it bc of all the references

the very first night - why are the vaults so GOOOD OMG this song is so fun and has such silly energy i love it

forever winter - this song is so devastating but also if i ignore the lyrics the horns make it a bop????

all too well 10 min version - what can i say it’s ALL TOO WELL. AND I WAS NEVER GOOD AT TELLING JOKES BUT THE PUNCHLINE GOES I’LL GET OLDER BUT YOURE LOVERS DTAY MY AGE

nothing new - phoebe bridgers makes me feel things. also i should now find this song and the fear of getting older relatable bc i’m literally ‘the kinda radiance you only have at seventeen’

babe - the sugarland version is good but taylor’s is so much better and i love the added ‘what about your promises promises’ thing

red - WHEN THE DRUMS COME IN OMGGGG ,, oh also random anec dote one time when i was 9 or 10 my teacher asked me for an example of a metaphor so i used one of these lyrics

i bet you think about me - I LOVE COUNTRY TAYLOR AND I LOVE SASSY TAYLOR (aka fearless taylor)

treacherous - that part where shes like 'i'll follow you follow you home' is so funny bc like girl are u a stalker or something😭

state of grace - for some reason i specifically LOVEE sreaming the lyrics 'twin fire signs, four blue eyes' even though i am a pisces with BROWN EYES???? (also this is one of the many rerecordings that sounded better in the og version,,, i only play tv though)

all too well (normal length version) - this one was top 3 before red tv was released but for some reason the new vocals dont hit the same😔i would still consider it to be a perfect song though,, atw is THAT GIRL 13/10

the last time - if u dont try to sing both parts of this and mess up then ur lyyyinnggggg

everything has changed - not 2 be a sheerio (i am NOT ONE) but the ed sheeran x taylor collabs on this album are so cuteeetetete and im obsessed with how the kid actors from this mv were used for joker and the queen mv like a decade later

22 - in 5 years this song will be on REPEAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!AH OHHHHH I DONT KNOW ABOUT YOU BUT IM FEELIN TWENNY TWOOOOO

run - this is giving i know places and i loveeeee it 10/10 i love it when she collabs with ed within his musical range (this is a diss to endgame)

come back ... be here - THE BRIDGE. i love pretending that my (non existent) lover has flown allll the way to london soo far away from me (london is an hour drive from my house) and i am BREAKING DOWN BECAUSE MY MAN ISNT HERE (im literally a lesbian)

sad beautiful tragic - ok i dont ever actively search for this song but when it comes on i will listen to the whole thing every time. i think i said this about hoax but this is the type of sadness i craaave

holy ground - the forever & always > better than revenge > last kiss > holy ground > invisible string (that one line about the babies and presents) pipeline is one of my favourite things in the swiftverse ever everrrrr love u joe jonas

i knew you were trouble - remember that goat meme? yeah🥹

the lucky one - whoever said this song is evelyn hugo is so CORRECT.

we are never everrrrrr getting back together - I LOVE THIS SONG BUT SHE BOTCHED IT IN THE 2021 VERSION LMAOOOO RIP (ALSO SHOUT OUT TO THE ROCK VERSION OF THIS <333333)

begin again - this was such a perfect closing song for the standard edition of the album,, it ties off the whole break up album so well and it has her moving on to someone who treats her wife and ahhhhh

starlight - the 'have 10 kids and teach them how to dream' line rly catches me off guard sometimes😭 but i'll allow it

stay stay stay - THE PEOPLE WHO HATE ON THIS SONG DONT GET ITTTT. THE 5 MINUTE CRAFTS MUSIC IS CAMP. YOU CAN PRIZE STAY STAY STAY OUT OF MY COLD DEAD HANDS.

message in a bottle - this song is so 2012 where was this in the og album😒😒😒😒 it could have been one of the greats with ikywt,wanegbt,22 but whatever (same with the very first night S.M.H)

girl at home - i didnt like the og version, and i know a lot of people dont like the different production it has on the rerecording but i actually prefer it,,, but its my least favourite song on the album still. rip.

i started that ranking at 6:22am and now its 6:25pm. ITS BEEN 12 HOURS HELP WHY IS RED SO LONG anyway,,,,,

LOVEERRRRRRRR (aka one of my 3 stan albums) also not ranking soon youll get better for the same reasons as ronan ^

daylight - can i just say,, I KNOW THIS SONG TECHNICALLY DOESNT COUNT BEFORE BC TOE IS NO LONGER A THING BUT IGNORE THAT PLEASE FOR THIS ONE😭 ok this one has some of my favourite lyrics,, including 'i once believed love would be burning red, but its golden' ARE YOU KIDDDINGGGGG SHE INFLUENCED THE SONG AND ALBUM RED. AS IN SHE THOUGHT LOVE WOULD BE BURRRNIN REDDDD LIKE THE LYRIC. U KNOW THE ONE IM TALKING ABOUT RIGHT (2 mins into red the song). OHH ALSO THE VOICE MEMO AT THE END IS SO ICONIC I WANNA GET 'YOU ARE WHAT YOU LOVE' TATTOOOOOOD ON MYSELF

the archer - one thing i will eat up every time is when a song is produces in a way that makes u feel anxious (either when theres build up with no beat drop/release OR when the drums are super threatening if that makes sense) eg, labyrinth and out of the woods. the archer is such a perfect song and i love the heartbeats that she puts in the bridge (reminds me of wildest dreams and youre losing me ahhhhhh) and whenever i see eras videos of this song people say they wish it wasnt on the set list and honestly i find that baffling. if i ever see that song live i will literally pass away AND if i go to eras i wanna dress up as the archer (cupid vibes)

miss americana & the heartbreak prince - can i just say IVE BEEN A STAN OF THIS SONG SINCE 2019 and it was my favourite from lover for years omg,, and when i saw she opened the eras tour with this one i was so happy bc its finally getting the recognition it deserves !!!!!

afterglow - this song is so criminally underrated and its one of the realest songs on the album,, like is shows that love isnt always perfect and thats such an important thing to know specially for delusional girls like me ohh also theres a few songs on lover that have very specific producion styles, its afterglow, daylight, cornelia street and all of the girls AND ITS MY FAVOURITE PRODUCTION STYLE IN HER DISCOGRAPHY its so light and airy and i cant describe it properly but i love it so much

lover - omg this was my top song on spotify wrapped 2021,, its like the textbook perfect love song and i love the vows in the bridge and i love(r) the 'we can leave the christmas lights till january' and i love the mundane romantic things like saving seats and letting your friends crash in the living room and ahahsuhfjsadlgajhdfhkasgdfhgas

cornelia street - ok unlike daylight, i literally cannon ignore how defesting this song is with the uhhh...,., recent events in the toe timeline, but honestly the existence of 'youre losing me' elevates this song even more with all of the parallels and irony and before this was a cutesie song about omg what if me and my lover break up but now its just a knife twisting in my heart and yeah. rip toe

its nice to have a friend - this was also one of my big stan songs in 2019,, the simplicity just drew me in and its such a sweet song and it reminds me of walking around after school in february where its still getting dark kinda early and u can see the sky turning pink and orange and yeah <3333333333333333 i know this song has its haters but they are all just cold hearted haters, what can i say

cruel summer - IMDRUNKINTHEBACKOFTHECARANDICRIEDLIKEABABYCOMINGHOMEFROMTHEBARSAIDIMFINEBUTITWASNTTRUEIDONTWANNAKEEPSECRETSJUSTTOKEEPYOUANDISNUCKINTHROUGHTHEGARDENGATESEVERYNIGHTTHATSUMMERJUSTTOSEALMYFATEOHHHANDISCREAMEDFORWHATEVERITSWORTHILOVEYOUAINTTHATTHEWORSTTHINGYOUEVERHEARTHELOOKSUPGRINNINGLIKETHEDEVIL

all of the girls you loved before - LISTEN TO THIS SONG AND COMPARE IT WITH PERMANENT MARKER, THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN HOW SHE THINKS OF EXES THEN AND NOW IS SO FUNNY

i think he knows - this song makes me feel so silly and michevious idk why likeeeeee im listening to it right now and i feel like i wanna go annoy everyone in my houseee

ME ! - ok i know what u guys are gonna say BUT I DONT CARE. I AM A ME STAN. IF U DONT LIKE THIS SONG UR BORING AND HAVE NO FRIENDS SORRYYYYYYYY like yeah its cringe, yeah the lyrics are corny, but you know what??????? BABY THATS THE FUN OF ME (!) HE HE HEEEE the only valid critisism of this song is the inclusion of brendon urie and tbh that is valid i agree she should have made me (!) the feature

death by a thousand cuts - the way she put in the my my my my from the song lover is so rude and criminal bc why would she do that to me :( and i know this song is sad but imma be dancing around to that bridge idc idc

paper rings - omg this one is so nostalgic,,, i remember my ex gf used to make paper rings because of this song and she taught me and a bunch of our friends at school how to make them it was so fun,,, this was the song i associated with us once upon a time and now we're not a couple anymore but yk what???? i dont find this song sad its all good memories and me and her are still besties so whateverrrr *PAPER RINGS SUPREMACY*

london boy - THIS SONG >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> EVERYTHING BECAUSE LIKE SO MANY SONGS ON THIS ALBUM ITS SO UNSERIOUS AND A GOOD TIME,, IF YOU GET IT YOU GET IT!!!!!!! ALSO IT HITS DIFFERENT WHEN UR ENGLISH (taylor says she loves us <33333333) also shout out to these very iconic parts : 'we can go drivin in, on my scootuh' and 'pubwe' 'darling i fancy you' and its so funny how she literally just lists a bunch of places in london and its seems london until you put all of the locations in google maps and it makes the shape of a heart <3333333333

false god - that saxaphone😫😫😫😫 i rly hope taylor does more jazz in the future bc this song is so amazing

you need to calm down - shade never made anybody less gay FR,, like i said before, im a lesbian and this song makes me wanna tell everryyybody and its such a sillly fun song love love love,, i wish it was longer though

need - YEAHH IM DOING UNRELEASED TOO IDC,, i have this downloaded (very legally) on my spotify bc i (need)ed it very much and ill do it again. this shouldve been on the actual album #justiceforneed2023

the man - okayyyyyyy i diss this song often but i love it really,,, its so #millenialgirlboss

i forgot that you existed - ok i get the message and the whole idea of moving on from reputation idea but did it really have to be the album opener 😭 if somebody plays this album without having heard anything else from taylor and they hear 'in my feelings more than drake so yeah' THEY WILL LITERALLY NEVER LISTEN TO HER AGAINNNN ill allow it because its funny and im a satire girlie but taylor why couldnt you open the album with cruel summer☠️ screaming

evermoree

gold rush - ok guys you know how i feel about winlet and this song YOU KNOWWW THIS. gold rush is my all time most played song on spotify, and its so perfect and magical and if u listen to the dolby atmos stems theres some really nice drums and the 'my mind turns your life into folkloorreeeee' like is SO meta i love her for that

cowboy like me - con artists falling in love????? COUNT ME IN. ohh and i feel like im gonna do this a lot on this album but i have some lyrics that i neeeed to give a shout out to : 'and the skeletons in both our closets plotted hard to f*ck this up' , 'now you hang from my lips like the gardens of babylon, with your boots beneath my bed, forever is the sweetest con' imagine being able to write like that likee damn girl

'tis the damn season - im so obsessed with how this song is the other perspective from the song dorethea,, this is honestly the song i listen to the most every december bc its just the perfect holiday song for me

ivy - I CANT EVEN SHOUT OUT LYRICS HERE BECAUSE THE WHOLE SONG IS LITERALLY GOD TIER LYRICISM. WHO LET HER DO THIS. HOW DOES ONE JUST WRITE ALL OF THIS???????????????? TS > SHAKESPEARE

marjorie - this song is such a beautiful one and its my mums favourite and she always tells me to play it when i have the aux 🥹 when taylor plays this at the eras tour and that part with marjories opera singing plays and u can see taylor crying i just wanna bawl my eyes out

evermore - every few months i rediscover this song and its so perfect and the part in the bridge where the intensity is building and bilding and in the line 'you were there' her voice softens and the whole feeling of anxiety just subsides andaahhhhhhhassdbfkssf , same energy as ootw where the bridge is super fast and anxious and the end shes like 'you were lookin at me' and her voice softens there too, its such a cool thing to do vocally and it rly tells u the perspective the song is from with her spiraling and her lover kinda pulling her back into the present (its giving jacinter energyy)

willow - for literally no reason whenever i hear this song i think of a mermaid and a pirate falling in love,, and theyre both lesbians (i dont make the rules thats just how it is ok) 'wait for the signal and i'll meet you after dark' the only logical conclusion to be drawn from this is that the mermaid and pirate are sneaking around bc mermaids and pirates hate eachother,, like romeo and juliet,,,, like ariel and eric. do u see the vision. do u see the forbidden love. yeah u get it (i know it says thats my man in the song but im choosing to ignore that) (ALSO IM NOT A GAYLOR THIS IS JUST HOW I LIKE TO THINK OF THE SONG LOL)

champagne problems - the fact that she wrote this with joe is insane like how do u sit with ur bf and write a breakup song like this as a fictional thing,, and then break up for the reason in said song 3 years later?????? wild😭

right where you left me - DELUSION ANTHEM 🗣🔊💥💥💥💥💥💥💥

tolerate it - man this song is depressing,, like u know how the song ends with 'i sit and watch you' thats because its repeating the fist line of the song. as in shes in a loop. as in she has all these thoughts and realisations and then realises she has to leave and then ends up right where she started and stays. deep.

no body, no crime - OHH IMAGINE SITTING ROUND A CAMPFIRE SINGING THIS ONE ITS SUCH A FUN MURDER STORY LOVEEE IT

coney island - the bridge with all the references 😫 'were you standing in the hallway, with a big cake, happy birthday / and they're all standing around me singing "happy birthday to you but there was one thing missing' , 'did I paint your bluest skies the darkest grey? / you paint me a blue sky then go back and turn it to rain' , 'and when I got into the accident the sight that flashed before me was your face / remember when you hit the brakes too soon? .... but when the sun came up, I was looking at you' , 'but when I walked up to the podium, i think that I forgot to say your name' / this ones about calvin harris but there isnt a song about it,, but she does talk about this in the miss americana documentary

long story short - this song is literally the whole of reputation summarised its so good

dorothea - this ones the betty of the album,, the simple acoustic part of a song parinng / group, like ive said i love it when she returns to her roots and releases things reminiscent of debut

its time to go - I HATE YOUUUU SCOOTER

happiness - this one is very sad but a little uplifting i guess, i find it so sweet how taylor writes songs for abigail (fifteen and this) to help her get through things

closure - ok i know this is at the bottom of my ranking but i actually really like this song a lot,,, the production is what people hate but i love how its all chaos, representing the whole drama with the breakdown in taylor and scooter / karlies friendships and then the piano comes in smoothly THROUGH the chaos, which reminds me of taylor just ignoring all that drama and being able to move on while theyre still just bothering her in the background

BEA. THIS TOOK AGES I HATE YOU HAHAHAHH

[a-moth-to-the-light]

Songs of the Summer, 2023: Intro & Rules

check out #my fave songs for my (admittedly inconsistent) past best-of lists! consistency is NOT my strength, but i have so much fun writing these & i want to practice finishing what i start, so i hope you'll have fun along with me :)

Intro: A Summer-y (haha)

My listening this summer has been embarrassingly chill. It’s not that I normally dislike really soft tracks—I’m a BOL4 fan, after all—but I definitely wasn’t expecting this many of them on my favorites list, and certainly not in the top spots. I like melodrama; I like shimmery, glitzy things; I like to dance. But this list’s color palette is beige, like a day where the sun is so bright, the heat so heavy, that it just kind of washes everything out. Even most of the dance tracks here are pretty toned-down—the kind you can leave on repeat while studying. 

So, I don’t know, it just feels kind of weird. It’s not that there weren’t any big, exciting statement-songs this summer: Stray Kids and Ateez and Itzy had big, noisy releases, and I just… I don’t know, I couldn’t make myself care about them? My favorite song from the Itzy album isn’t even the cool, fast-paced rock track, which is what I usually like from them—it’s the muted, simple, repetitive “None of My Business”.  And Dreamcatcher’s album, which I think is absolutely stellar, didn’t consume my listening nearly as much as it should have this summer. Instead, I found myself drawn to sleepy indie and end-of-album ballads. Do you see why it’s kind of embarrassing?

And I don’t think it’s that I didn’t have any fun this summer. This summer was actually pretty great, especially considering my how past few summers went. Comparatively, oh my GOD this summer was absolute heaven. Hell, maybe that’s why this list is less angsty. Maybe I’m sick of the angst, and I just wanted a nice, sleepy summer to balance out the others.

Or maybe it’s NewJeans fever. I still can’t stand “Attention” (I'm SORRY), but their laid-back style did finally get to me with “Ditto”, and so my obsession with barely-there, TikTok-ready music this summer might just be a reflection of the NewJeans trend hitting me a bit late. And anyway, strange as my list turned out, I like the songs I chose a whole lot, so I do stand by it!

There was another defining trend of this summer’s music for me: Barbie movie anthems. And not just songs from the Barbie soundtrack—the movie’s super-popular, super-iconic advertising seemed to kick off a trend of unapologetically mean-girl music, arrogantly teenage in a way that I find quite fun (& good for my confidence, too, as an obnoxious, girly teenage being-thing). I loved these releases, from Aespa’s “Spicy” in the spring, to G-IDLE’s “Queencard”, to Kiss of Life’s “Shhh” (though none of these are on the list, the mean-girl vibes will definitely show up). I’ve always loved when Flo Milli took on this kind of aesthetic, so it’s really fun to see 2023 become the year of hot pink, both inside and outside of kpop. Still haven’t seen the movie, but thanks, Barbie! 

Rules

Songs on this list are from singles or albums released between May 12, my last day of spring semester, and August 21, my first day of fall semester. I hope to work in education for the rest of my life, so I figure it makes sense to let the school year determine my list! Though, because it takes so long for songs to grow on me, I’m willing to fudge the rules a bit to encompass some songs that, despite being released a bit before ‘summer’ started, were truly my Songs of the Summer anyway. 

In keeping with my tradition, I’m allowing myself 14 list entries this year (plus some honorable mentions), one for every year of school I’ve completed since kindergarten! 

Blame it on the creative writing class I’m taking this semester, but I decided to, alongside my usual description of why each entry made my list, write a little poem-thing trying to capture what each song feels like to me—not similarity in subject, but instead in atmosphere and sound, was what I was going for. So hopefully you’ll enjoy those as much as I enjoyed writing them, and hopefully they’ll be a good intro to the songs you haven’t heard of before! 

[coffee-at-annies]

3, 11, and 18!

3. Favorite musical artist / group you started listening to this year?

That I discovered this year? That’s hard. I’m not sure I discovered much music this year that wasn’t new releases from bands I already liked or singular songs. My most listened album of the year was fob cause I’m specific and sm(f)s came out in like January. My song of the year for the second year in a row was one I discovered late last year and fell in love with. I’ve listened to all of 3 songs from the artist tho.

Jukebox the Ghost was probably last year or the year before when my partner introduced me. They’ve tried getting me into The Family Crest but it’s never been the right time for an adhd hyperfixation deep dive. I got back into Matt Maeson after seeing him live, but that was my second time seeing him so he’s not new. I got super into Sammy Rae and the Friends for a hot minute after seeing her live but I first found her during quarantine looking for songs for the moss playlist. If you’ve got a moment, listen to the song I’m gonna link. It’s good. Sammy Rae described it as for the girls and the gays.

I could maybe claim Sub-Radio after Stacey’s Dad went viral but I’ve had flashback in my Spotify likes for a while so connecting the dots was just what got me to listen to more and also follow them on YouTube. If I had to pick a single that isn’t from one of the artists I’ve listed it’d have to be Drink Water.

Maybe the obcr of Some Like It Hot counts? That came out this year. I’m only obsessed with it since I saw the show live right before Christmas last year and then had to wait months for the obcr to come out so idk if it counts.

11. Something you want to do again next year?

Answered that one here with a lot of small joys I’m looking forward to repeating.

18. A memorable meal this year?

I’m trying to think of a meal that was worth remembering. A place that was worth going back to. My first instinct is my mom’s 60th. We splurged and she got reservations for the place up on Mount Washington. The one that overlooks the point. We weren’t close to the windows cause my grandmother can’t do steps and it was rainy but it was a lovely celebration.

Oh! God this is the dumbest fucking story but it’s certainly memorable. So like I’m sure you’re probably vaguely aware that I decided I wanted to be disappointed in new and interesting ways after the Pens let me down so thoroughly last spring that I decided to fuck around and become a Pirates fan. What you probably don’t know bc I didn’t do much lbing is I watched a stupid amount of Pirates games. What you’ve probably forgotten is the Buccs had a ridiculously hot start last season. 20-8 in the month of April. One of those games was actually two - rain reschedule meant it was a double header. My best friend spent the day taking his black belt test (I forgot if he’s second or third degree now but he passed!) and wanted to go out to celebrate. There’s a new-ish chain crab place in the waterfront where the TGIF used to be. The bestie isn’t a sports person at all but my sister and I are so we asked for the tv to be switched to the game. The second game of the double header was one where the Buccs scored 16 runs off the Nats for a final score of 16-1. Watching them light up basically every Nats pitcher who hadn’t pitched in the earlier game while systematically demolishing an order of crab legs was just an excellent experience. Was the food memorable? Eh the crab is fine for a chain. The meal itself was very very fun. Like exactly what you want when watching a game at a bar/restaurant. I won’t say platonic ideal but like the vibes were certainly right.

End of the Year Asks

[josephtrohman]

hi everyone, today i hit a new follower milestone, one that represents overcoming the stagnancy of the last couple of years ❤️ i got a bit sappy mostly about fall out boy and being a fan again, with touches of mentions about tumblr

never did i think that i would come back to tumblr, nor did i think i would ever fall in love with fall out boy again, but i’m glad i did. for both.

around early mania era, life was rapidly changing for me. i was graduating high school, moving away for university, and becoming an adult and outgrowing things from my teen years, including things that were once so special to me like fall out boy. i started dating this boy who was my best friend in the world who im lucky to still be in love with today. i was far away from my hometown for the first time in my life, my only friend being my partner who lived at the other end of town. just about everything in my life was different and weird and changing, and nothing looked the same as it had a year before.

mania was released in the winter of my freshman year of my undergraduate, and shortly following its release, my partner’s dad died very unexpectedly (only about 13 months after his mom died, to the heaviness of it all worse). i listened to it for the first time in full driving to be with him in the middle of the night after he’d called me, and it meant that for a long time after that i had a hard time listening to the album, associating it too much with long drives in the dead of winter, 30 below, dark streets empty but sparkling with fresh snow, or long drives to attend various memorials in small towns i’d never even heard of, feet freezing, dressed in black, that fluffy blanket of snow a reminder that it was certainly wintertime. i already had not been crazy about the music from mania itself; it was not the fall out boy i once knew (it still will never be my number one but i’ve come to really enjoy the album; that’s growing up for you), and my love for fob was faltering, with the dark associations much too deep. i was not the teen i once was but instead i was a young woman living on her own in a big city (relative to my hometown at least, and was adjusting to university and just being an adult and dealing with spiritual growing pains and loneliness and grief in my heart. i kind of could have used the comfort of fall out boy the most at this time.

i spent many years where *technically* fob was my favourite band, but i would quantify that by saying they were my favourite of all time, as a way to excuse how i would listen to them somewhat rarely, knowing the roots ran too deep to not acknowledge them, meanwhile saying my favourite band for the moment was this band or that; ones that never truly lasted for me.

around ioh’s 15th bday last year, i decided to slowly incorporate fob back more into my life, re-saving songs i had purged from my phone, watching interviews, reading old fanfics i used to obsess over, buying the ioh merch, and i fell back in sooo deep…as was always bound to happen; you can't love a band as hard snd as long as i did and ever truly scrub them clean from your life. a love like that will always remain, at least somewhere hidden within you, no matter how seriously you try to forget it, waiting to pull you back in. naturally, coming back to tumblr came with my reborn obsession, as i’d associated fob and tumblr so much for many years.

now my love for fall out boy is as strong as ever, and still going strong, waiting for fob8 with baited breath, and as much as i hate this godforsaken site, it feels so nice to be back. honestly the mutuals/community now feels stronger than it did in what i would consider my “peak” in 2015/2016. i’ve talked to so many wonderful people this past year who i never would have interacted with had i never come back to rb some things for ioh’s 15th bday and remembering how much i used to love this site and fob <3. so thank u to everyone who has joined me in the last year (my 10th year on this damn site! coming up to year 11 😅) and big thank u to all my special fob mutuals i’ve had since i was like 16 (u know who u are). i could go old school and tag my favs but i will refrain. just kno if i talked to you even one little reply in the last year im probably in love with u and grateful for ur mutual-ness. and even if we haven’t talked at all i still love u and am happy ur here. xoxo kelci <3