#I’m so upset with myself right now
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*forces myself to drive to therapy even though I don’t want to exist rn*
Therapy: is tomorrow
#m rambles#I’m so…..#like fr?#I actually made it but my days got mixed up?#there’s no guarantee at all that I make it tomorrow and I’m feeling supremely shitty right now#I barely even made it in#it’s 80 degrees outside and I’m wearing my pjs which consists of a sweatshirt and fuzzy pants#part of what held me back from driving into work today was the fact that I’d have to leave early for therapy#I’m so upset with myself right now
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in a vicious cycle of me spoiling stuff and then getting angry I did it
#I’m so upset with myself right now#I screamed and threw my phone#WHY DINT I BLOCK TAGS#deleting this app
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I just want to say one more thing for now, to anyone who is struggling right now because the Bad Batch has been your comfort show but how they handled Tech has potentially ruined that for you, you’re not alone. I know that doesn’t make it any easier to deal with, but you aren’t alone.
#the bad batch#the bad batch tech#tbb tech#star wars#i also want to say to people who are struggling with themselves right now because of it that you’re also not alone#i’m in a spiral because i’m so angry with myself for being so upset about something fictional#(that’s not a reflection on others it’s because i struggle badly with being ‘abnormal’)#and that i’m so upset about something fictional when there is so much going on in the world#i feel pathetic for it#so if anyone is feeling even remotely the same#i’m with you
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🌧️
#I’ll leave for a bit#just a bit. hopefully#I’ve been making myself so upset about so many things lately#that it resulted in an anxiety attack earlier today which I hadn't had in so long#I can't really distance myself from any of the stressors except for tumblr right now so this post is mostly me telling myself to stay off#at least until jk's bday or something#the self-pressuring and sense of failure has become too much#it's not a balance anymore rn it's just one more thing that's making me feel incompetent and desperate#I should put the little energy I have into my two jobs and the thesis#I could really need a small achievement with writing the coming days. to lift my spirits again#I hope a little break will help with that#and I’m sorry that I've been so miserable on here lately....it's not an easy time rn
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Can’t a bitch have a mental health day without someone immediately trying to make it theirs instead!
#the shitty thing about suddenly having all of these followers that interact with me now#is that I used to use this blog to scream into the void#like a little diary or something#but now I have an audience and it’s weird#anyway THATS WEIRD HUH GUYS#I’m like#hey idk im feeling really upset by these things going on in my life right now and I think I need some time#and THEYRE like#oh no yeah for sure#anyway suddenly I am also so sad and I cried myself to sleep and I really need your support right now#WHAT LOL#whatever whatever whatever#I guess I get to continue playing mom to my friend group#personal#I know I always play support#for you guys#and I know I’m always the DM#and I always listen to your problems and help fix them#and I’m always making you presents and packages and whatnot#but please#sometimes#just sometimes#I want to be able to be taken care of too
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Don’t you know that Tork is a wifebeater?
tags.
#guys i’m sorry i don’t need this right now#i’m done being ‘funny’ and trying to make it lighthearted#yes. i know. i have very conflicted feelings about peter and ive been really upset abo it it especially this week#i have had a horrible start to the school year. can we not get really heated about the monkees right now PLEASE#i am sorry to be rude this is just like the fiftieth anon ask i’ve got in the last few days and idk what i did wrong#and people seem to be really mad. we all know peter was not the saint right? i’ve said it like fifty times. i made the whole post about it#i deleted the post that seemed to get people angry where i talked abott it my dislike of torksmith#people treat peter like he’s so innocent. i know that he was not. i distance myself from real life peter. are you happy?#i am tired#please stop spamming me with asks whoever you are
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I hate men and their need to act like any emotional reactions you have while you’re on your period is just you being “hormonal” and “not yourself”
(Rant in tags)
#like sorry I’m actually defending myself rather than just letting you talk shit about me directly infront of me??#when I’m on my period I tend to show more of my real emotions rather than what people want to see so yeah#but the conversation I was having with my brother was fine- I wasn’t talking to him in any way#he asked me about the monster that I had because like an hour or two ago he asked me not to throw it away since it’s one with the cod#qr code thing on it and he asked me if I threw it away and I said “no it’s not empty right now it’s infront of the microwave” and right#after my dad jumps in saying nobody needs to take offense to how I’m talking or how I’m being? when I didn’t say anything in any way? like#my brother didn’t even have the time to respond to me before he jumped in and started indirectly talking shit#I’m so done right now- all he’s done the last few days is nit pick at me about stupid shit like yesterday we missed the our bus stop and we#get off and this man starts yelling at me that now he doesn’t get to eat (mind you he never explicitly said he wanted to get off at that#stop I thought we were just going directly home)- he constantly says shit on purpose to get a rise out of me and now for some reason my#brother (the one that is 17) has been budding in and telling me to stfu and all this shit and my dad feeds off it and uses it as more of a#reason to justify how he’s treating me and it’s just so upsetting cause he does know I’m in a more vulnerable time right now since my period#is always really difficult anyways really sorry for the rant don’t have any friends I can talk to irl about any of this so to the internet#it goes 🙃#random0lover emotional dumps#random0lover rambling ♡
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HI TUMBLRR it’s me
#I ate ramen just now it was soooo god I think ramen is just it just is better after 10pm#im right#ughhh ok that actually reminded me earlier my classmate was making an Asian people eat dogs joke like he put on this awful accent and he wa#all like ‘dog tastes so good with rice’ and then he did other stuff too#but what really made me upset is that someone who I thought was my friend found it really humorous! wow okay!#I know it’s not really a big deal but im still kind of sad like I’ve lost all my respect for you now#anddd they were my only friend in the class so now I’m stuck there for the rest of the semester I guess . I mean I’ll still be nice to them#but I just don’t think I can bring myself to like them anymore sorryyy . not really . but kind of#idk if I’m overreacting . in elementary school though people would make jokes actually about me eating dog and it always made me really sad#but I never held it against them cause we were children#but now I feel like you’re old enough to know what you’re laughing at..#wow ok this really derived away from me being on tumblr and having just ate the worlds best ramen#well . not really I mean it was good but I’m allergic to normal noodles and I need to eat rice noodles and they’re not bad I just don’t lik#them as much Lol#I feel like my actual posts say nothing but if anyone ever reads the tags they probably know everything about me..#I use tumblr to complain half the time loll and I used to post my drawings more but I haven’t made any good drawings recently😭😭😭BUT WAIT!#i have a comic I’ll post in October we’ll see how far I am in it by then…#im like . halfway done with chapter oneeeee so maybe like I’ll post all of chapter one on hallowern.. how does that sound… cause actually#for those of you who don’t know my story has ghosts in it#im like trying to keep it a little silly right now but the tone might shifftttt idk!!!!! we’ll seeeeeeee cause actually I have NOT worked#out the entire plot.. just like. most of it.#but I keep having ideas like midway through ughhh it’s an endless cycle!!!!!#like Francis . she used to be a random character who shows up once but then I was like . wait no! anjali should have ghost friends! and tha#that’s how Francis came to be#and actually today I kind of finalized her design^_^ albeit in my math notebook lol
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I’ll never understand younger siblings whining about their older siblings moving away like I bet yall were nasty and annoying too like wow all those years and you claim to adore the older sibling and post oh woe is me the older sibling abandoned me … girl … the older sibling didn’t have a parental certificate or anything.
#since when were we friends nor did I have any obligation over you or towards you#we are literally roommates here acting like we’re friends#dora daily#I say this cause I saw yet another younger sibling on tiktok trying to make themselves a victim like the older one is clearly avoiding the#whole family and changing their phone number so u guys don’t contact for a reason like wth did you guys do that’s so bad they would go#through all that trouble#‘older siblings will never understand how doing that affects us physically and mentally’ oh quit whining and cope#I didn’t have an older sibling I relied on only myself heck not even strangers help me when I’m in dire need#I think yall need to cope harder and wake up to the real world#not all younger siblings but a lot of them like my little brother 13yo is good id never want to abandon him but the rest … yeah bye#idgaf you should’ve not been an idiot because believe me ik kids mess up but not like this#and now she’s grovelling at my feet bye grovel harder#like just an hour ago or so she came up to me and was like I’m going to school for the first day are you gonna miss me#I said no because she always tells me no when I ask her if she missed me#and somehow she had the audacity to be upset like okay#the same girl who tells me to move out btw#my mum said oh u have to be her best friend cause if she has nobody here then she will have to rely on strangers#and she would find herself in trouble cause they don’t have good intent oh gee I wonder which person caused me to do that#it’s honestly ironic#like Eris and virtue happened because she couldn’t step up and be a normal mother byeeee#and anyways whyre you acting like having a sibling is essential#it honestly isn’t like why would I be nice to a girl who dogs on me and beats me up and is disrespectful#she’s not that young anymore she’s almost 12#‘oh they have different personalities’ well i hate hers and im not to be forced to like it either its my right
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hey just a reminder that sometimes you have to accept that you’re going to have to have feelings without a filter, and you’re going to have to tell people that you care about them, and you’re going to have to start saying i love you. if you want affection and love and adoration you cannot close yourself off forever and ever. keep up your walls as you must to protect yourself but not forever. and if you feel like you can’t ever let them down then i’m sorry. i hope you find someone that makes you feel safe enough to start saying and feeling these things.
#lolaa.txt#little thing about emotions.#i’m not affectionate. not really.#im a deflector and i laugh off affection and love a lot#and all it has ever done for me is push away people who want to help me so so badly.#and it’s a slow change. slowwwww. the tiniest steps .#and i go back so often.#today my boyfriend said he missed me and that i was pretty when i woke up and i told him i was going to never speak to him again#because i cannot accept these things and it so so hard to say that i appreciate it#but i know i know he needs to hear it and he needs to feel appreciated yknow?#and im working on it im trying so hard#especially when you have been fucked over for saying your feelings in the past. it’s hard. it’s so hard. and i’m sorry#just. tell your friends you love them. tell people when you’re excited or happy.#smile when you get to do fun things. laugh at jokes! scream and yell and cry and hit things and grin and be out there#numbness will not fix what problems you have. it won’t.#it’s comfortable but you can’t have love without discomfort sometimes#sorry about all this i’m just . i’m having a bad day and it’s really hard today to be open to everyone#so this is my try#i am upset. and i miss my friends. and i love my mom and i am also mad at her because i am frustrated with the world right now.#and i am tired but because its tiring to force myself to exist and feel#i need to relearn how to be a child about it#and that’s okay#that’s all ; sorry for the long tags. thank you for being here
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._.
#upset with myself because none of my winter coats fit#because i’ve stress eaten myself into a lot of weight gain this year#and so i went to the thrift store to buy a new coat#because i don’t want to buy a New new coat right now#and i was looking at the men’s larges and tried a couple on#but none of them fit#i wasn’t able to zip them up#it used to be that mens larges were too big on me. now they’re too small?#idk when tf that happened but i’m upset#and tired#and just stressed about a million other things and i didn’t need this on top of it#i just feel like a gross lump#and you know what i’m gonne do about it? eat#of course#ugh#tw weight#weight#weight talk#body image#idk what else to tag this as if nobody wants to read it#i’ll probably delete it later anywY
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didn’t get the dream job
#I can’t let myself cry right now because I’m covering phones but I’m really upset#it’s impossible to get a job in this field#there are so few openings and I keep applying to no avail#why bother you know? why bother
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You all have a voice. You can use it.
#palestine#from the river to the sea palestine will be free#I’m so upset with humanity#and with myself because it took me so long to do this all publicly on social media.#but use your voices to support the people who don’t have voices right now.#do it to support the men the women and the kids who are dying and deal with loss and pain#support palestine#free 🍉
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Actually crazy that after all the writing I’ve ever done I don’t feel like I’ll ever write something as cathartic as a horribly tragic pokemon fanfic that I haven’t stopped thinking about for *checks watch* 12 years
Wherever that guy is I hope he’s happy
#me when I wrote my first ygo fic like#i hope I can cathartically destroy myself and others by taking my comfort ship and literally like#putting them into a grinder and making them go through literally the most upsetting shit ever#literally let’s just kill one of them to destroy the other one until they also are dead#what if I just take a perfectly happy two little guys and shake them around in a jar until they are damaged into fragments and dust#dude the reguri brainrot is so bad right now and every 5 years I reread that fic#the one that changed me#and I’m like#dude what the fuck#nice job thanks for the hurt#I’ll be back in 5 years#personal#tw: death#unfortunately I don’t think my writing will ever live up to this random guy who wrote Pokemon fanfic in 2012
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#my sister keeps getting mad at me#and today it culminated with her basically listing all the ways I’m making her life shit#and the things she listed I know I’m a fuck up like not being able to drive#being stuck in a part time job not having many friends crying when in a confrontation#and not paying rent on time to her#but she was so mad and I was mad and crying#but she wasn’t saying it cause she cared she was like you are making my life bad and it’s unfair#I’m sorry it’s unfair I’m trying but I know it’s not enough#and I couldn’t articulate myself#actually I know she’s right that I’m not trying enough#l just got upset which ofc doesn’t help anything#and now I ruined her day#i can’t even move out cause then she’ll get mad at me for that too#I agree with her that I’m a fuck up and don’t have my shit together and it’s a terrible quality I have#of having trouble catching up on everything I just feel overwhelmed all the time#and thinking about the future makes me so depressed I feel like there’s no point to anything#and even when I try to do something I fuck it up and don’t do it right#I tried getting my driving license before but now it’s expired and I’m back at square one#and my job rn I don’t think they’ll ever give me a full time gig#I can’t even explain myself now it doesn’t make sense why I’m so fucked#and it’s so hard to make friends all my old friends have moved#and behind and shit at everything#and now I know I’m dragging everyone else with me#she was like the one person I’m closest to and could trust but now I know I’m just a burden to her#the thing is i know she's right about everything#I fucking hate myself so much#update: she apologized I think we’re ok now#but I’m just wondering if it is
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#i’m having such a bad day i actually want to cry right now#this is my second time during my shift today just sitting in the restroom trying to compose myself#everyone’s acting like i’m in charge around here and immediately when i walked in i was kinda bombarded with questions#on a normal day i probably would’ve been fine with these questions but i don’t feel well at all (think i’m starting my period)#so i just got really overwhelmed and started to feel extremely anxious#and now i’m so nauseous i actually feel like the room is spinning but i feel like i just need to suck it up at this point#my entire body also feels so hard to move and some parts feel numb because of the anxiety i think#i was already miserable before i came in so now i’m just stressed out :(#i spent basically the entire weekend feeling extremely unimportant and like people don’t value their time with me#because of a miscommunication issue but it’s like. idk. telling myself someone forgot doesn’t make me feel better#sometimes logically knowing the reasons is just an explanation#and then i don’t even wanna say anything because i don’t want anyone to think i’m needy or be mad at me or feel bad because of me#plus i never know when to bring stuff like that up. it never feels like a good time to tell someone they hurt and/or upset you#i’m so tired :( genuinely i just wanna sleep all week i wish i could stay home#at least it’s monday sami save meeeeeeeee
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