#I’m so sick of dealing with the whims of higher ups who are just fucking determined to make everything harder

[ranger-kellyn]

maybe one day i’ll get the courage to quit this shitty fucking job and figure SOMETHING out. until then 🫠

[write-like-you-mean-it]

A Hunter’s Prey: Bruises and Realizations

The walk of shame back to the troupe’s hideout became a longer journey than it was to leave. Before, I followed Illumi’s bloodlust. Now, I have to notice my surroundings. The streets were bustling with people trying to get from one place to the other. The faces weren’t friendly as many of them lived in a state of extreme poverty. If I had any money to my name, I would have given a few dollars to the children that wandered the streets looking for their next meal.

Being alone didn’t bother me. I was able to get a fresh look at everything without the worrisome eye of the long-haired man. No. I would not think about Illumi. He left me. My hand absentmindedly went to the phone once again. I could easily call him. No.

I finally found a place that seemed similar. I followed the path to the back room. Inside there were the troupe as crazy as ever.

“Interesting that you would return,” said Feitan. He startled me and I jumped a little back. I turned to look at the small man in shock. His hands were placed inside of his pockets as a nonchalant gesture of uncaring.  “I thought your boyfriend would kill you.”

I rolled my eyes. “He’s not my boyfriend,” I shrug while walking past the dingy stack of boxes that still piled up to the ceiling. “And do you get a sick satisfaction from scaring me?”

Feitan finally smiled, a sinister, sadistic one. “Yes.”

I decide to ignore his haphazard attempt at conversation. Instead, I walk into the pit of spiders as if it was my home. They seemed to be having another argument about which Nen ability was the best; however, none of them seemed to show their own. Shizuku was the only one to bring out Blinky to prove her point.

My eyes caught Chrollo. He stood in the far corner watching the rest of the team. I would guess that his Nen ability far surpassed the rest of the team. He didn’t want to get in on petty squabbles that would easily be solved if he had joined.

I stood beside Machi as Shalnark defended Shizuku against Phinks. “So where do you rank?” I asked her.

“I won’t be the first,'' she said. “I would be higher than the majority of them though.” She paused while putting her hand on my neck, pushed away the hair from my shoulders,  and made me tilt my head. “Don’t tell me that you fucked him.”

“What do you mean?” I ask while pulling away and putting my hand on the spot she held her only a second ago.

“There’s a bruise on your neck.”

“I-I…” I stutter while looking to the ground. “No. We didn’t fuck.”

“You’re lying,” the pink-haired girl said while crossing her arms. This was her stance of disbelief that I had known too well after many, many different nights of binge drinking and going home with many different men. My embarrassment made me look at the rest of the spiders in hopes that they weren’t paying attention. They weren’t as their argument was too important.

“Fine. Yes. He’s not that bad.”

“You slept with someone that kidnapped you.”

“Sounds kinky,” replied a voice from behind me. Feitan, who I didn’t know was still sulking in the shadows behind me, was the one who said it. Before I could smack the sadistic smile off his face, he pushed past us and into the circle. “I would like to add that I won against the ants.”

“That’s because you picked the correct pathway,” replied Phinks while pointing at the man. “Plus it only happens when you’re angry.”

“Good thing you’re here so I always have a constant supply of anger.” Phinks lunged to strangle him but Feitan moved out of the way. Franklin and Shalnark had to step in between the teo’s playful fight.

My attention turned back to my friend. Her demeanor hadn’t changed even throughout the chaos. Her resting bitch face was terrifying in its own right.

“Fine,” I said while finally pulling away my hand. “Do you want details?”

“No. Are you alright?” Her question reached deep within my soul to bring up emotions that were pushed away for a few moments. My smile at the exchange between the troupe left my face. Machi loosened her grip. “What happened?”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” I said while looking back at the circle. Phinks was arguing for his Nen ability some more to the annoyance of the rest of the troupe.

“You don’t have to tell me,” she said while moving my hair to cover the bruises section. “Just know that Illumi would be lucky to have you. Make sure he knows that.” My attention turned to Chrollo who was trying to calm Phink. Machi looked where I was watching and back to me. “Also, Chrollo is just as bad as Illumi. He’s… a lot sneakier about his deceit.”

I nod my head as a sign of understanding. I was free to date whoever I wanted but I knew that Machi was right. My past was consumed with men that negatively impacted me with the thought that I could fix them if given the chance. The amount of times I’ve cried to her on the phone could not be counted on two hands. “So-” trying to change the subject- “will you finally tell me about you and ponytail?”

Machi rolled her eyes at my comment and softened her stern look. “Fine. But not here. Feitan’s a sneak and a bitch.”

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Night time came faster than anticipated due to the rest of the team planning CHrollo’s actual strategy against an opponent that wants to kill him for sport. He’s supposed to meet this person at Heaven Arena within the next week. Chrollo refused to say his name for my sake but it seemed like the troupe was well acquainted with this battle that was happening.

Once the meeting had commenced, Chrollo made sure to pass me. He had passed me a note with an address and time. I was to meet him there and then for our ‘date.’

The time felt later than normal as I walked into a 24-hour coffee shop that doubled as a small library. Even though this wasn’t a real date, I felt underdressed. My change of clothes were lost many nights ago so I had to do with what I was wearing. It was stained and crinkled from time.

I wanted to order something but I remembered that my card was either at the Zoldycks or in my apartment. Illumi had paid for everything and taken care of my every whim. I didn’t have to think of money because he would know what I wanted even before I asked.

I found a seat in the back of the shop. Chrollo wasn’t there yet. By the phone’s clock, he was five minutes late. Since he was already late, my eyes wandered to the bookshelf that lined the back wall. I picked one at random and started to read.

“That’s a good novel.” My body, absentmindedly, turned to look at where the voice came from. It was Chrollo. He looked so much more normal or what his night look was.

“I started it while I was waiting for you,” I said while putting the book down. Chrollo sat down across from me. He placed his own book on top of mine. “What are you reading?”

“Nothing important,” he said. “It’s better I keep in beside me than anywhere else.” A few drinks were dropped in front of us. A black coffee for him and a speciality drink for me. “I ordered already. I asked Machi.”

I nod and take a sip. “So this is supposed to be a date?”

“No. This of it as a business deal.” Chrollo picked up his cup and took a deep drink of the pure, caffeinated drink.

“I thought you wanted to take me on a date,” I said with a fluttering tone. I would be the first to admit that in this attire, he was not bad looking. In fact, I’d call him extremely attractive. “Unless you want to go to the end of a good date.”

Chrollo chuckled while placing his cup down. “It seems that has already been taken care of.” My hand flies to my neck in a shameful realization that the bruises did not disappear in between my conversation with Machi and now.

“It’s alright,” I said. “We had some differences.”

“I could’ve told you that. People who don’t know the inner workings of this side do not couple up with those who do. There has to be an act of a higher power for the two to meet.”

I knew he was right. Illumi wouldn’t be the person that I would normally pick up in a crowd. Illumi was endearing but in the way a fly is attracted to the venus fly trap. However, once you get across the harsh mouth, there is a person worth love. No. Chrollo was using this against me. “You seem interested in me enough.”

Chrollo leaned in and placed his head on his hands. “No. It’s not enough. I’d love it if this was an actual date but I don’t steal an associate's girl.”

“I’m not Illumi’s girl,” I say. “Well, not anymore.”

“Then why did you ask Kalluto to come see you? Why do you seem so focused on seeing if he would come save you? Why do you now keep your phone on vibrating rather than silent like you did a few days ago?”

I clutched my phone a little tighter. “I need to hear my messages. Since someone stole my phone last time.”

Chrollo hummed while leaning back in the chair and taking another sip of his still warm coffee. “I wonder who would do such a thing to a pretty girl.”

“The one that would openly flirt with a taken girl.”

“So you are taken?”

His wordplay had trapped me. I stuttered before responding, “No. Not anymore.”

“What happened?”

“It’s not important.”

“Yes it is.”

I took a deep breath and sighed. I knew that he wasn’t going to leave me alone. “Fine.” I took a sip of my drink as a way of collecting my thoughts. “Illumi and I want two different things. I want to be treated like a person and he wants to treat me like an object. He wasn’t to hide me away and I won’t allow it.”

“An object? Interesting.”

“No. It’s not interesting. He taught me Nen so that I could save myself enough to not get myself murdered until he came to save me. He trapped me in a room for weeks. He brought me on a mission that I didn’t ask to be on. He asked me to marry him rather than answering any question that I asked. Illumi refuses to see me as anything but someone that is there. I am an inconvenience rather than a legit person. He’s marrying me because he thinks that I will be the perfect wife rather than he actually cares.”

My anger was starting to get overwhelming. Words were coming out of my mouth with registering from my brain. They were from the heart. “I can’t stay home with the kids. It’s insane how archaic his views of relationships fall. I’d rather him teach me Nen so I can join him. I don’t want to be a princess in a castle. I want him to fight for me. Illumi needs to be the one that wants this more than me and not leave when it gets too tough.”

“Why?” Chrollo’s voice interrupted my anthem.

“Because If I care for him so much, he should give me the same respect.”

“Sounds like you really like him.”

“No. I hate him.”

“I don’t care for the ones I hate.”

“Well that’s different. I want him to stay. I want to be able to touch him. I want to have full conversations. I want to feel as loved as the night he told me about his brother. I want to help him. I-I…” my brain finally caught up to what I was saying. “Holy shit. I do love him.”

Chrollo’s grey eyes finally matched the smirk on his face. “At least you’ll admit it. He’ll be at the match that I have with Hisoka in a few days. You can come along. I’m only taking Machi, Shalnark, and Kortopi. I know he’ll be there because Kalluto told me of a certain proposal that they made. You can tell him that he can join the team.”

“I-I love him,” I repeat. I hadn’t noticed anything that Chrollo spoke. My heart was still processing what my mouth had said. I worried so much about him that it was making me sick. He was the best part of my day even if I was angry with him. I wanted to be with Illumi.

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[hopesiick]

𝐉𝐎𝐑𝐃𝐀𝐍 𝐓𝐎𝐔𝐒𝐒𝐀𝐑𝐃 // vice detective, thirty-three, red ridge native.

— unflinching, grudging, brainy, irreverent, plucky, mulish. loosely inspired by dominique dipierro (mr robot), laurie blake (watchmen hbo), eve polastri (killing eve), wendy byrde (ozark), and allie pressman (the society). this vine, too.

howdy, folks! i’m dev. 🤠 this is my dearest brain babie, jordan. normally, this is where i’d get all mushy-gushy on y’all, but the rest of this introduction is already too long as it is, and i’d rather not add insult to injury hehe. just know i’m happy to be here & even more excited to get to know you all + your brain babies, too! 🥳 @redridgeimp​​

— pinterest, stats + connections page.

𝐃𝐈𝐒𝐂𝐋𝐀𝐈𝐌𝐄𝐑: bullet points marked with three asterisks (***) feature mentions of domestic abuse and unfit parenting. reader discretion is advised.

the toussards are old money. her mother’s side of the family have made their fortune off of hay farms scattered across the state of nevada, and her father’s side of the family have mostly been cattle and dairy farmers. together, they decided to venture into real estate, too, by buying up farm land plots and selling them at a higher price, along with residential plots, too. 

they’re not showy people, but they definitely make good use of their money. jordan’s childhood home is a plantation-style house on a big ole plot of land situated on the outskirts of town. they had healthy green grass with sprinklers and a full garden. inside, everything was real wood, ivory, and silver. they had a maid and gardeners and the whole nine yards. still, if you hadn’t seen that or recognized their family name, you might have expected them to be any other family belonging to red ridge. 

to many, they gave off the image of a picture-perfect, all-american nuclear family. it’s easy to pretend, seeing as they live so far away from all the glitz and none of them -- no matter how they feel -- are willing to shatter that golden reputation, but it isn’t real. elise, her mother, wanted a doll more than she wanted an actual child, and it was society’s pressure on women to give birth that forced her hand, not any sense of innate desire for expanding the family. joseph, her father, was too caught up in his wife’s every wish and whim to really pay attention to jordan in a deep way. he never turned his back on her, but jordan never felt any deep belonging to him either -- if anything, he felt more like a 2d stand in for the father she wished she’d had. 

*** that meant there was only one adult left to really pick up her parent’s slack, and that was corinne, her aunt. corinne, who had an awful habit of bringing terrible men home. corinne, who was bipolar and unmedicated, and often in charge of taking care of jordan from the moment she was in diapers to the moment she graduated college. corinne, who was manipulated by her own sister. corinne, who was helpless to protect jordan against her mother’s attacks, and unable to shield her from the rage her boyfriends spat. corinne is like a mother to jordan. she was the hand that rubbed her back when she was sick. she was the open arms that held her when one of jordan’s teenage dates went sour. she was the one to cover for her when she snuck out and the one to teach her everything her mother considered too immoral and dirty. corinne is her mother in the way elise never could be, but still .. jordan can’t help but feel anger towards her. 

*** jordan’s known how to use, fire, and clean a gun from the age of eight. she learned how to hunt at the age of ten. she knew and helped her father field dress a handful of animals by the age of twelve. you may think this was just a bit of heavy-handed bonding between a father and daughter, but it wasn’t. elise and joseph used to go away a lot, both for pleasure and business, which left jordan in corinne’s sole care. that wouldn’t be a problem, if it weren’t for the fact that a grand majority of corinne’s relationships were abusive, specifically physically. jordan was a child, but she was a child with a duty -- a duty to protect her caretaker if necessary. at the time, jordan didn’t think much of it. she liked feeling like she had an in with her father, liked feeling important. it was only when she got older that she realized how fucked up everything had been, and how that’s the driving factor behind the feeling of fear she just can’t drop, and the mistrust she has in others. the anger she feels towards corinne is rooted in that. she can’t help but feel like it’s corinne’s fault and she hates that her aunt -- a fully grown adult -- was the center of her childhood, instead of her own self.

skipping forward a bit, jordan went to college right after high school to major in criminal science. her lifelong exposure to such abuse left her with a taste for vengeance. see, jordan wanted to be a police officer to protect her hometown, sure, but she also wanted the badge so that she could finally dish out the punishment that so many of the officers she’d seen were unwilling to. the only way to stop that culture of turning a blind eye was to do it from the inside, and that’s exactly what she did. 

jordan’s been a cop for twelve years now. she started her career doing patrol and eventually working with the gangs and narcotics team for five years. after a lot of pestering and brown-nosing, jordan became a g&n detective. she was mostly in charge of surveillance, carrying out raids, and the planning of both. ( she had an opportunity early in her career to go undercover, but jordan’s too obvious for that. ) eventually, jordan switched departments over to the special victims unit, but that stint really only served as a segue into where she is now: the vice and support department. she used to specialize in community outreach, helping bridge the gap between the community and the precinct. she worked with groups focused on helping those affected by drugs and sex workers who have been abused. when one of the detectives assigned to missing persons cases left, jordan was quick to apply for it. needless to say, she got the job and has been doing that since.

she’s got the nose for it -- all the digging and reviewing and passion for the relentless pursuit. she doesn’t particularly like dealing with the families of those affected, but it’s part of the job. on most days, she genuinely enjoys it, but with the rise in crime and the amount of deaths at their feet, jordan can’t help but rethink her choices. she’s competitive by nature; she can’t handle these losing games. 

jordan’s a very cutthroat cop -- especially in her g&n days, when it was all heat, all pressure, all the time. she’s got an eye for weakness and isn’t afraid to exploit that on the job. she’s not above making threats -- promises, really -- and has always been the type to gather as much evidence as humanly possible, because she wants prosecutors to see justice through. she’s just really efficient. she wouldn’t be where she was at only thirty-three if she wasn’t. most of the time, you can catch her putting in overtime hours. 

that being said... jordan has a big heart. she doesn’t believe in institutions as a whole, but she does believe in people. the law is the law and rules are vital for a functioning society, but .. she may be willing to look the other way sometimes, if you’re close enough. ( i mean, she was married to a valencia member at one point, so. ) she may not agree with what some people do, but she’ll really only go after you if what you’re doing is truly heinous. ( but don’t tell her supervisors! 🥺 and don’t mention the hypocrisy to her face. )

outside of work, though, jordan’s pretty chill. she used to be a loudmouthed firecracker in her youth, but she’s calmed down significantly since then. really, she’s not so bad! maybe it's because she can't handle being alone, but she thrives from being in groups + will strike up a conversation with anyone and everyone. if she likes your shoes, she'll tell you. if you need a ride home then she’ll walk with you because she’s most likely equally as inebriated. kind of the person that you’re hesitant to approach, but when you do she treats you like you’re old friends -- even if you're not. you know that drunk girl in the bathroom that gives you sagely advice or tells you she loves your hair? that’s jordan, except she’s not drunk. 

when jordan makes her mind up on something, it’s almost impossible to get her to budge. it doesn’t matter if she’s in the wrong, she’ll trudge on no matter what. her flippancy in the face of danger – a prized act at this point – has landed her in trouble before, and it most certainly will again. she’s unyielding and unapologetic; not willing to change herself for anyone. getting her to talk about her emotions is like pulling teeth, except even that would probably be easier. she’s incredibly honest about some things as a way to hide behind it; it’s a farce that distracts people into thinking she’s being honest with them, when really she’s not -- not entirely, anyway. 

loves love, but she’s rotten at it. her anxiety gets in the way, tells her that she’ll mess it up somehow until she finally does, like a self-fulfilling prophecy. ( something-something abt the fact that she can’t comprehend someone loving her if not even her own parents could ). she’s a much better friend, and jordan thinks that’s more important anyhow. genuinely, if you’re her friend then she loves you endlessly and earnestly.

𝒇𝒖𝒏 𝒇𝒂𝒄𝒕 𝒉𝒂𝒑𝒑𝒚 𝒉𝒐𝒖𝒓 !

jordan is that friend that gets a little bit too into car karaoke.

she’s also the type to order a screwdriver during an 11a brunch.

it’s a wonder that she doesn’t have tinnitus, considering she always blasts heavy metal music in her car.

makes jokes about getting married and divorced, because if you can’t laugh at your pain then you’re fucked.

if you ever visit her unannounced, you’ll spot her in t-shirts that say “milf in training”, “god looks like me”, and more.

if you’re mean to her she’ll give you a parking ticket.

she plays dirty in fights. used to bite a lot as a child and she still does. all is fair in love and war, babie! enjoy getting that tetanus shot and lovely hospital bill! 💋

pantsuits from monday to friday, and overalls without a bra on the weekend because fuck that shit. also extremely partial to shirts with low plunges. a lil bit of side titty for everyone. 

if you’re leaving a drink behind she’ll finish it for you because daddy didn’t raise no quitters.

has a lot of self-worth issues, but she’d sooner die than ever tell anyone about them or even confront them herself. 

don’t let the pantsuit fool you! there’s pure muscle underneath that two-piece, babie. 

𝒎𝒊𝒔𝒄. 𝒊𝒏𝒔𝒑𝒊𝒓𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏𝒔:

“i am the shape you made me. filth teaches filth.”

"can i be blamed for my efforts? all men are drawn to the sea, perilous though it may be."

"there is a place, deep in the heart of fear, where you trap yourself and claim that is safety."

"still, a great deal of light falls on everything."

"i hold a stalk in my hand. i am the stalk. my roots go down to the depth of the world."

“i always figured when i got older, god would sorta come into my life somehow. and he didn’t. i don’t blame him. if i was him i would have the same opinion of me that he does.”

“nothing washes off.”

“you cannot be stolen, ransacked, looted like an emptied bank account or a burgled house. you are the tough old tissues, the exquisite scars. you are the thing that would not die.”

𝒇𝒊𝒏𝒂𝒍𝒍𝒚, 𝒔𝒐𝒎𝒆 𝒘𝒂𝒏𝒕𝒆𝒅 𝒄𝒐𝒏𝒏𝒆𝒄𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏 𝒊𝒅𝒆𝒂𝒔 ! ( open to any gender ) 

jordan can’t function without a best friend, so.. gimme, please! 🥺🤲

i once read a passage talking about how the friendships you make in your childhood can never be mimicked in your adulthood, and you know what.. #true. where’s jordan’s childhood friends at? do they still keep in touch? did they have a massive fallout as teenagers where jordan told them to get hit by a truck because she was a very dramatic 16 yr old? were they frenemies? do they still have one of jordan’s things because she was terrible at remembering everything after a sleepover? did jordan’s parents help your muse’s family out? idc, just gimme!

exes / almost exes. remember what i said about jordan being a shit when it comes to love? they could’ve been serious at some point whether as adults or in their youth, maybe it was short-lived, maybe jordan never even let it get off the ground. could be on good terms or bad terms or no terms at all. 

neighbors!! jordan pulls some odd hours n sometimes plays her music a little too loud and burns her food more often than she should at 33 yrs old. she may or may not be the best neighbor to have is all i’m saying, but she tries!! 

friends!! platonic love is the most purest form of love there is and she’s got a lot of it to give!! come and get ya some! 

enemies / hateships because sometimes .. it just be like that. whether this has to do with a falling out of some sort, just straight up hate at first sight, or something to do with an encounter on the job, or something else entirely i’m here for it! 

one night stands / [old] fwb. i’m gonna be honest with y’all: if jordan likes you, then she can’t sleep with you. now, i’m gonna be honest with y’all again: jordan’s very much a yes-girl. she says and does things just to get a reaction sometimes or see what’ll happen ( something-something "sometimes if you let people do things to you, you're really doing it to them" ). that being said, she’ll sleep with just about anyone. maybe they don’t talk about it ever, maybe they only ever talk when they want something, maybe they regret it, maybe it’s all gucci, and maybe it was good until it wasn’t. idk! 

jordan has been shot twice in her career thus far. the first time was during a noise disturbance call and the second time was during a narc raid. if your muse wants in on that we can discuss the deets! 

and also literally whatever else your heart desires because i’m both here for the fluffiest deepest connections ever and also the angstiest makes-me-wanna-die type shit. i literally don’t say no to anything so if you have any ideas you think jordan can be a good fit for, i’m all ears!! 

[shellheadtmarc]

Connections: Macready??

you just don’t know what can of worms you’ve opened, bc the fallout nonsense is like a mushroom:  y’all get to see the cute little toadstool that pops up above ground, meanwhile it’s this huge, ever-growing bullshit under the surface we (mercifully) keep in discord until it sometimes spills over.

so this is gonna get long, strap in.

okay.  let’s talk about tony’s relationship with robert joseph maccready: former mayor of little lamplight, ex-gunner, father, and tony’s emotional anchor in the commonwealth...and...everywhere else, at this point, as far as fallout 4 goes.

first things first, let’s clear up any lingering confusion here:  mac and tony are an item.  a thing.  a couple.  they do gross couple things and are sappy and disgusting and i literally hate them.  in fact, in tony’s fo4 companion verse overall, if there’s no shippy intention and mac was never romanced/picked up by a sosu or otherwise, tony directly defaults to his relationship there.  which is to say you usually get a tony that’s fairly settled and comfortable in that relationship and is usually out doing his own thing while mac’s doing his own thing, too.  at the end of the day, it’s home - wherever they’re calling home, typically fort hagen or sunshine tidings, i’m thinking - to mac that he’s going.

anyway, instead of doing a ~how they met~ retelling, lemme hit the major highlights in their relationship that haven’t necessarily been discussed at length so that they make sense.

+ when tony handed over caps (mac said two fifty, tony said two hundred, mac said deal) it wasn’t to hire a mercenary.  he didn’t think he needed one, didn’t want one, and thought mac would slow him down.  instead, it was for information about the gunners because he’d gotten jumped by them down the hill from fiddler’s green trailer estates (the overpass with the big windmill) a couple of days previously.  that was it.  that was all.  he’d inquired about the gunners in bunker hill and one of the caravan hands had pointed him to goodneighbor, telling him there was an ex-gunner merc working out of the third rail he could talk to.  he could have walked out of the third rail that night (the third rail, those not in the know, is a bar in an old subway station in goodneighbor) and not thought twice about it.  unfortunately (or fortunately) for tony, mac saw him win back his caps in a game of pool and decided to pretty much consider himself hired whether tony wanted it or not.

+ joke was on mac, however, tony has a thing about otherwise taking caps from people he considers needing them more.  he does a lot of work for free.  wasteland billionaire tony is not.  more days than not he’s barely got two caps to rub together - he prefers to barter.

+ that was and remains a big bone of contention between them.  it gets better, eventually tony turns the haggling of caps over to maccready and lets him do as he sees fit for the most part, but tony is focused on everything but money (i know, funny right) while mac is super honed in because he’s got a kid to look after - you don’t stop needing caps just because they’re not sick anymore.  part of this is because zetta gives birth to quinn (to be discussed in another one of these asks) and that throws tony fully into parent territory, and part is because while he doesn’t necessarily need a lot of caps to get by and it takes him a while to realize that just because he can scrape by with next to nothing, kids in the picture change that a whole hell of a lot.  the other is because there are just things you can’t make in the wasteland and need to pay for.  medical services are high on that scale - i don’t think tony expects stephen to patch him up for free, and croup manor and the fort hagen blood clinic need caps coming through to keep running.

+ there’s a rewrite of maccready’s quest, because tony moves too slowly for the affinity nonsense in that he’s got his own job to do in the commonwealth which isn’t about pinging affinity goalposts.  and because mac has a sick kid he’s gotta find a cure for now that can’t depend on tony being that slow.  mac decides to take on the waystation of gunners on his own.  tony wigs.  zetta tracks mac down.  tony shows up and it’s just...it’s a mess.  i’m pretty sure he probably tried to fire mac right then and there even if he never really hired him in the first place.

+ we see how well that worked.

+ part of the above is because tony had already caught feelings and tried to grind them into the dirt with a boot heel.  we also see how well that worked.  he hadn’t intended to stay in the commonwealth for any reason.

+ tony blurts out them feels at the worst time imaginable and - for someone with no shame - immediately wishes a hole would open up under him and swallow him whole.  unfortunately, he has to deal with that because there were no sinkholes opening that day.  things go weird and awkward for a while.  assuming - always assume (cough mala the smooch thread cough) - things go plan, things will get straightened out there in the dugout inn (another bar, this one in diamond city (fenway stadium)) when they finally both get their shit together.

+ another point  of note/point of contention is the fact that stephen and mac...don’t...really get along.  stephen’s weird, they butt heads a lot, it all stresses tony the fuck out.

+ to all of the above, tony was actually really leery about mac in the beginning.  and almost all of it has to do with the fact that tony knows what someone seeing an easy payday in him looks like.  the fact that mac, for whatever reasons of his own, sticks around when that doesn’t happen is what brings him around.

+ tony and maccready have a lot in common, as far as shared trauma goes.  they’ve both lost people they loved in horrible ways:  maccready’s wife lucy was killed by feral ghouls, his kid is sick with the new plague (a prewar disease that was also called the blue flu because of the blue boils someone would get with it - and is incredibly fatal) and may not make it.  they both have an ingrained fear of losing someone else they love.  the difference is, overall, mac has his shit together so much better than tony does.  he’s the mature one, if we’re being honest, he’s the one that knows how to handle the day to day domestic in the way that tony actually never really has, even now.  so while they share that, the fact is they’re different enough in the right ways to balance each other out pretty well.  mac is also leader material, but on a smaller scale.  the eventual plan is to get tony to semi-retire (never fully, he’ll never be able to not) and let mac oversee a settlement so tony can tinker.

+ third bone of contention - which isn’t really, it’s just a good example of prewar vs. wastelander mindset - is childrearing.  tony believes in letting kids be kids as long as they can be, especially with how shitty the wasteland can be - but the degree to which he feels that way about it isn’t feasible for the moment.  so it’s not really argument material more...you know you’re raising children of the corn, right?

+ mac absolutely calls tony a mungo, and tony has no idea what mungo means.  he really, honestly thinks mac’s pulling his fucking leg and that it doesn’t mean anything at all.

+ the rock thing:  tony mistakes a rock in the water for a mirelurk one time and maccready never lets it go.  but:  mac keeps handing tony rocks thinking he’s funny.  tony has a box full of said rocks.  he thinks nobody knows about it.  everyone knows about the rocks.  maccready has been known to send genuinely pretty rocks by way of apology when they fight and tony’s grumbling to himself in his lab (in the confines of fort hagen proper).

+ they don’t really agree about synths.  tony is very, very pro-synths are sentient beings and not property.  mac isn’t a fan.  it’s one of those subjects tony actively avoids - and after fallout 4′s main quest endgame has very little bearing on their actual daily lives, though he does do some tourist work for the railroad and doesn’t exactly hide it from mac.  

+ duncan (mac’s kid) finally does get brought to the commonwealth, for the record.

+ in the beginning tony is very much still...fly by the seat of his pants on a lot of things?  he doesn’t think twice about spending longer in the glowing sea than he’s given an estimate for (and with no way to reach him most of the time because of the radiation) or taking off to vegas on a whim (and taking a month to get back because he returns on a caravan full of people important to someone else in this little group to make sure they get there safely), but as time goes on and he settles in, he tends to do this less and less without warning.  he’ll probably never stop completely doing it - tony follows his nose and his gut and thinks it’s way better to ask for forgiveness than permission - but they get to be a rarer occurrence.

+ tony has never given mac a solid nickname.  you know, like pepper or rhodey or happy.  it attaches meaning to it, and for a long while he’s trying so damn hard to not get attached, and now...well, now it’s just a matter of how creative can he get with puns of mac’s name.  he’s also never once in his life called maccready anything but by maccready or a pun thereof.  no rj, no nothing.

+ they’re both rough and tumble - in the sense that playfighting ends with a higher than average amount of boo-boos.  they are, honest to god, children.  how many times has one or the other ended up with mud down their shirt who knows.  not me.  has tony had to have his jaw reset when a tickle fight goes wrong?  you betcha.  has one or the other punched the opposite in their sleep?  oh yeah.  

+ overall they’re very domestic?  like they have a life and it’s not always fun and exciting adventure entering prewar ruins and fighting super mutants or deathclaws or whatever.  a lot of it is day to day bullshit and being adults and chasing after the kids and fixing this generator or that water pump or herding binky the brahmin back into her pen because she got out again and their neighbor from three plots down won’t double check his gate and -  point being, the angst level is actually fairly low, there’s not as much upheaval as you might think, though they do have their fights and arguments about actual life things - less so about iron man, amazingly - and most of that’s down to the fact that they, literally, come from such different worlds, between tony being prewar and mac being a dyed in the wool waster.  like...it’s not a perfect coffee shop au relationship where everything is sparkles and rainbows, they function in a way real people do in that sometimes they don’t agree.  and sometimes they argue.  and they’ll make up and move on.  it’s not dramatic, but honestly i love them so much, i love that about them, how they function like a real couple.

ask about muse connections : accepting @ofspaceandmyth

[seapiggies]

Tanks - March 31st, 2018

personal ramblings and thoughts ahead

4g BiOrb: Still cycling. Since I haven’t used the biOrb filter cartridges and used filter sponge and biomax instead I’m interested in seeing how it’ll go. I added the ceramic rocks and the marimo balls today, and it’ll eventually have some manzita tree type driftwood with tons of moss in there. The curved shape will be great at making the tiny shrimps look bigger.

50g: I made a huge change in this tank in the past month, kind of on a whim, but I think it’s the best decision I’ve made since I started it. I rehomed my harlequin rasboras, longfin leopard danios and sterbai corys because I just couldn’t keep the pH down enough for the rasboras and the danios just weren’t compatible anyway, and upping the schools when my tank just wasn’t in prime condition for them just didn’t seem right. everything just felt wrong about that tank and I kept trying to make it right for the fishes I had, because I loved them, until I realized [cue romantic melody] i just couldn’t love them right, so I let them go. I found them good homes, people with large tanks that already had schools. 

I decided to go a whole different way, with my first and true love, platies, who thrive in the higher pH of my tap water. I also got 3 pearl gouramis, fishes I had always dreamed of and some of the most versatile gouramis out there. I’ve kept the two BN plecos. I’m very attached to them, and since I intend to keep the pH around 7 and the temp around 79, I think everyone should do just fine. I’m dealing with a bit of parasites and one platy has fungus, and honestly if I could get my fish anywhere else besides where I got them from I would, but it’s the only place in town and I can’t get fish mailed but God. their fishes are always fucking sick istg. I’m treating them all with paraguard, almond leaves, and I might try salt or salt dips. 

All the plants are in pots while I wait until I add the fluval substrate. I haven’t checked yet if it changes the pH, but I will, and if it does, I won’t add it until I’m done treating the tank. I don’t want to stress the fishes anymore than they already are. Despite everything, they seem to be doing pretty great, they’re eating a lot, even the gouramis. the male was very thin when I got him, and one of the females was stressed out the first day, but the male has already started rounding up nicely and the female is doing way better. they all colored up so pretty. the platies are all very energetic and excited. one of them has already risen as The Asshole. they do eat the pleco’s wafers and bug bites though, but leave the zucchinis alone. 

I’ve struggled with this tank - first the a 25g, now a 50g - for over 6 months. I’m finally deeply happy about it. it’s beautiful. I can’t wait until I can get a carpet to grow, and even more plants to fill it up. I just adore it. I purely adore it, and I haven’t felt this way about it for so long that I forgot how fucking good it felt. I can spend hours in front of it (and I do, whoops). I have missed having platies so much, and I looooove gouramis and their little feelers and their little faces, and I just want to spend the next 10 years watching my bristlenose grow up and grow old, and watch over my platy children, grand children, grand grand children, grand grand grand grand children... 

10g: my beautiful little autumn garden. this tank has been doing good for a long time, and is just doing better than ever. parameters are always 0/0/5. every damn time. the shrimps, whomst when I first got them used to spend their all day on the driftwood barely moving, now zoom zoom zoom all day long. and charlotte, who has carried eggs three times, and who I thought ate her own babies or something, is actually a mom!!!! i have seen several shrimplets around the tank!!! I’m just dumb and didn’t realize baby shrimps are smaller than a water bubble and that’s why i didn’t see any for a really long time. i have no idea who she’s mating with though, the only other shrimp who isn’t an amano is a red and white shrimp that could be a crystal red or something but it looks so young? idk what’s happening but SOMEONE is making babies with charlotte. and im vERY excited about it. fitzwilliam as usual gives 0 fuck about anything, and hasn’t tried to eat any of the babies, as nothing interests him besides his pellets or bug bites. he’s a good, peaceful gardian of the garden. 

[mind-of-distruptly]

Generation Pt. 1 “Brainwashed”

I don’t understand the mindset or mentality of today’s generation. You, humans, are so complicated, honestly, your psychology is confusing why do you act so horribly to each other when all you want is companionship. They always hurt the people who try to help them and can be an important part of their life if they let them but no they rather hurt others to make them feel like how they felt so they’re not alone so “they can feel better about themselves.” They want someone to care for them and pertain to their every need like when they’re sad, bored, or just need something from you. Once they get whatever it is they need from you they’re gone like everyone else as if you weren’t there for all those hours through the days calling & texting them doing everything in your power to make them feel normal and human again. Do they ever think of how much they’ve hurt the person that they just left for no good reason or intention? Clearly, you didn’t because now they’re alone dealing with their own pain & there’s no one there to comfort them in their time of need when they actually need someone rather than just using someone for an everyday whim. Then once that person gets to the dark part of that pain where they just can’t take the depression or anxiety of what they’re going through eventually turns into sadness, anger, and hatred. And what’s worse is that they still miss that person deep down inside. They hate the person who put them through that emotional suffering. They feel used and go through such terrible trust issues but they still miss that same person. People are constantly being hurt by the person they wanna give their everything to and do everything for. It happens such as when the nice guy is there for the girl he likes because her bad boy boyfriend cheated on her or abused her & he’s there like “wow I have a chance with her” and he gets too attached to her and then next thing you know she goes back out with that bad guy boyfriend and where does that leave the nice guy? He’s left alone in such pain & misery that becomes hatred once his love and trust are gone. You’re always missing that person that you shouldn’t be missing. Everyone that you do right will do you wrong in the end. And it’s not only relationships either, but best friends can also hurt you, a family can hurt you, strangers can hurt you. Especially bullies, people that go around and make fun of people and say such terrible things about them in front of people that laugh at what they say about someone like its a joke. How could you be so cruel? You don’t know what that person is going through but you feel more than anything that it’s ok to go and just make fun of them because you’re gonna embarrass them in front of their peers and they aren’t gonna fight back or stand up for themselves because they’re too weak inside or don’t know how and have nobody to help them in a time like that and they just have to sit there and take it over and over like its normal. Then after a while they end up believing it looking at themselves like what the bully said about them is true like “wow I really am ugly.” or “maybe I am stupid.” or “why am I so fat?” or “why am I so different from everyone?” Meanwhile being different is what makes everyone special but they won’t know that because they’re too busy looking at the negative side of everything. Like how can people sleep at night knowing that you’re slowly killing someone’s emotions every day of their life and just not care what so ever like things like that just make me sick and lose hope for this world? Another terrible habit of generation is this “popularity circle” that they have built into the minds of the youth. When a popular person is sad or injured they have all the other “popular” kids around them willing to help them on their hands and feet and make them the most important talk of the school, college, university, town; etc. And when they’re going through emotional instability and they’re crying or hurt from family problems, relationship problems, or family issues & they’re quiet in class or wherever they may be there’s always someone that wants to talk to them to know what’s wrong and give them advice. But when’s the last time they took their own advice?... Then there are the “unpopular” people that if they’re injured, broken, sad, or quiet people just wanna know what happened just to be nosy in their lives, they give absolutely no fucks about them and then once they know what’s wrong with them they just continue on with their day and lives. When the “unpopular” kids are having emotional problems because yes believe it or not they have emotions and real feelings too people don’t even give it a second thought, they walk past them like nothing’s wrong with them. They think “oh he/she is being really quiet and keeping to themselves they’re so weird, or creepy, or a loser as if they don’t have a life they go through every day just like everyone else in the world. I don’t understand how you could think before you act with someone’s emotions like they’re not just something that can be fixed or replaced overnight. It takes time to heal if you’re lucky. Some people never get over whatever they’re going through and just have to hide it because if they don’t they’ll waste the rest of their life being miserable & wasting their days always alone, crying, having anxiety attacks, suffering from their depression, contemplating suicide, not living the life they deserve. I don’t get how you can walk past or just let someone go through a hard time alone because they may be different or “unpopular” as if that’s the most important thing in the world. The mindset of this world is so corrupted whether it is not caring about someone or jumping to conclusions about someone before understanding the real problem or cause of his/her current mood. And it’s terrible for those people because they’ll start to hate the world when really they just want someone to fight to bring them back so that they really know that they found someone who really does care for them. As many times as people will say “I’m fine” or “I’m just tired.” Or “I’ll be ok.” Those are the biggest lies that people who are going through something rough can say. People going through something rough should never feel like they’re alone. They’ll try to fix what they went through by every so often letting someone in that they think will help them feel better than how they do and that person will feed them lies like “I’m not like everyone else” or “I won’t treat you like they did.” Or “I’m not going anywhere I’ll be here forever.” They don’t understand how strong the word “forever” is. That word used in the right sentence can make that damaged person feel so relieved about their pain and suffering but then before they know it that same person they let in left them for no good reason at all. And it constantly happens over and over and over and over to people who don’t deserve it. Nobody deserves to feel like less of a person or to feel like something is wrong with them because people always walk out of their lives for no good reason at all. People go through emotional suffering & have no way out and feel like there is no way for them to feel true happiness again so then they develop bad habits such as cutting, alcohol abuse, or drug abuse. They constantly do it taking this pill or that pill or smoking this or drinking that too feel “happy” temporarily and once they snap back into reality they feel worse than when they left and then they want more and then they’ll build a tolerance to that drug and want something stronger like cocaine or heroin or of higher dosage of prescription pills. Then what happens to them once they overdose and die or realize that they can’t keep doing that to themselves anymore because it only makes the pain worse? What then? It may get to the point where they may feel like their only option is to kill themselves or go to therapy. Not all of them make it to that therapist office for some it’s too late or too much to handle anymore and they take their precious life too soon. Then there’s the very few who speak up or are forced to go speak to someone in that profession. Once they get there however why is it so hard for therapists and psych professionals to stop fucking re-traumatizing individuals? If Lucy feels uncomfortable talking about her rape because she barely knows you, stop asking about it. If Charles feels uncomfortable talking about his childhood sexual abuse because he wants to move on and not dwell in the past but focus on other things, stop asking about it. If Stacey is doing fine on medication and can finally go back to work and school and feels like she’ll relapse if she talks about the assault constantly, stop asking about it. Stop making “talking about it” the default for every trauma victim, because hey, some of us don’t want to talk about the assault all of the time, or the abuse, or whatever happened to whoever. People go through tough things such as Depersonalization, Depression, and different forms of anxiety such as social, phobia, panic, post-traumatic stress, and more. Not everyone is strong enough to just come out and talk about what happened and what they had to go through and why they’re in that office today in that chair. Why is the question always “What happened?” And they don’t wanna talk about it and they say “It’s ok it’s safe with me.” First off it better be fucking safe with you they didn’t tell you for you to go tell the world. Why isn’t the question “what can I do for you today to make you feel better and want to join an everyday happy life again?” And a statement like “you only have to talk about what you feel is comfortable to you that you feel like sharing there is no pressure on you at all.” Who cares if we’re avoiding it if we can function again? if we “feel better”? if we can finally feel like we’re living again? Stop forcing people to work on their trauma. You can’t force anyone to say or do anything they don’t want to do. people can lead fulfilling lives without talking about their trauma, so stop re-traumatizing people by dredging up their past if they don’t want to go there anymore. Respect Kelly’s wish of not wanting to speak about what happened to her especially to a stranger of all people that she’ll probably see once a week for an hour that will ask her the same questions and tell her the same thing that she already knows. People are always like “but therapists/psychiatrists are there to help you! But they honestly have no idea how many therapists out there are crossing boundaries and are pushing people into disclosing anything or talking about anything when the client isn’t comfortable and pressuring them by making them fearful that they’ll “never get better until ___ is talked about” and by pressuring trauma victims can re-traumatize them again. It is never, ever okay for a therapist to threaten you into talking about something you aren’t yet fully comfortable talking about. In fact, it is illegal for a therapist to pressure you into anything. It is okay to refuse to talk about it if you feel uncomfortable. Stop this whole “well you’ll never get better if you don’t tell me everything right away” and “just get over your severe anxiety issues by doing deep breathing and other typical shit” trope because its harmful to people who are severely mentally ill who struggle with severe anxiety daily. They say I should be over it by now. That it’s been over a year & that should be enough time to slowly put closure on something that has never really happened fully. Maybe they’re right. Maybe I really should have fully recovered from the drama & trauma you have caused when you made your disappearing act & resurfaced a few months later. But who are we to say when feelings are supposed to end?

[darkot]

Today was a good day.

Well... yesterday was a good day. It is currently 9am, the morning after the day I was referring to.

I went up about 100 SR in Overwatch last night. Got on a 4 game win streak, and was really close to a 5th, but we lost our next match after that. But, it didn’t feel as bad as many of the final games of the night have lately. Which is odd, because we DEFINITELY could have tied it.

In that last match, we had a Widowmaker that did not switch until the very end--at which point, it was too late. It was pretty frustrating at the time, because they weren’t doing a whole lot, and they were taking up a DPS role slot. So, most of the damage dealing was left up to me. Not to mention that the enemy team had an absolutely INSANE Widow. I am not even exaggerating that, they might have been the best Widow that I have ever played against. And this guy on our team faced their Widow in a previous match where he was getting destroyed by them, and he STILL didn’t switch! I mean, I get it. He had something to prove. He didn’t want to concede defeat to that enemy Widow by playing something else. But for the love of god, man. Do you want to lose SR??

Despite that disadvantage, we actually did really well. We were playing on Volskaya. Both teams captured both points in their first offence round. We ALMOST managed to capture both points on our second offence round, but just fell a little short of that (we had 2 ticks on the cap, and were really close to a third. But they respawned too fast, and we ran out of time). Then, on that defence round, we almost held them at first point. We stopped about three of their pushes, but they got through on the fourth. So, we were fighting for a tie, but.. I don’t know what happened, really. We just couldn’t hold them off. Our comp just didn’t have the damage to wipe them, which we desperately needed. But, despite that being a disappointing end to the night, it still didn’t feel awful. I was absolutely DESTROYING during that session, and that made me happy.

I got what I believe was my first competitive sextuple kill as Pharah. Here is that, for anyone interested:

https://gfycat.com/splendidclearcutbubblefish

(tried to embed the gif in a post, but Tumblr’s stupid)

You have no idea how good it felt to hear the announcer yell “SEXTUPLE KILL!” Technically, that was eight eliminations. And you better believe that got play of the match, with one of them being an environmental! 

Pretty much all of my games yesterday were like that. There was this one Ilios match where I just kept knocking the Reinhardt on the other team into the pit over. And over. And over. He seriously must have been getting sick of me. I did it about four times. Got a quintuple on that match as well. Reinhardt knocked in the pit + Ana & Pharah killed with a single rocket + Soldier 76 and Lucio killed in an ult. Not as impressive as the one above, but it was nice.

I REALLY would have liked for that last match to have been a tie a least. A win preferably, but I would have settled for a tie with our handicap. It doesn’t feel good losing SR because of somebody else. But, all in all, I’m okay with it. 5 wins would have been nice, or 4 wins and 1 tie, but I can say that I was preforming amazingly. Even in that Volskaya match, I was giving them hell while essentially being a solo DPS. I can live with 4 wins and a loss, knowing that I was playing great.

I’m participating in a tournament with the rest of my team this Monday as well! This time, I intend on bringing home the gold! We’ve improved a lot since our last tourney. I think that we still aren’t ready for another “Team Silky”, with three top 500 players. But, barring that, I’m actually really confident that we can win this outright.

So.. yeah, that’s that about Overwatch. But, that wasn’t the only good thing to come from today. FIVE new episodes of Steven Universe were released, and holy fuck were they amazing!

I’m not going to go into too much detail about them, but they were really plot heavy episodes, which I LOVE! Everything was so intriguing. I was on the metaphorical edge of my seat the whole time! Yellow Diamond’s song was incredible, and the art direction was amazing! I loved the tone of the music. It felt reminiscent of old Disney villains, but with a more realistic touch. And something about seeing the scale of Yellow Diamond and Blue Diamond moving around while Steven and Greg were hiding was really powerful. Their height felt appropriately intimidating. They are colossal in comparison to the little bundle of preciousness that is Steven. I could easily see that being a video game level, haha. Trying to hide behind pillars whenever Yellow Diamond is looking in your direction. That’d make a great stealth level!

On top of that, episode one of BOTH Dragon Ball Z Kai: The Final Chapter and Dragon Ball Super english dubbed came out! The kid inside of me was so excited to see my childhood heroes in action again! While the DBZ Kai episode was meh, the Dragon Ball Super one was surprisingly awesome! 

DBZ Kai’s episode felt very filler-y, even though it sets up a plot point later. It revolves around Gohan going to highschool, trying to limit his powers to blend in with the humans and failing and... well, that’s about it. It wasn’t bad. I laughed at quite a few moments in that episode. I also REALLY liked Videl. I had almost totally forgotten how amazing she was around her introduction. Aside from finding her incredibly cool though, overall it just wasn’t fantastic. It’s just nothing in comparison to the core Majiin Buu arc. I really want it to get on to that whole story ASAP. I’ve been waiting for it since DBZ Kai proper ended with the Cell Saga. I was so disappointed by that! I just hope this doesn’t dwell on the “Great Saiyaman” shit too long. I have never been a fan of that, or Hercule. Some hardcore fans would lynch me for saying that, but I just can not stand the Great Saiyaman’s goofiness or Hercule's arrogance. However, in the Dragon Ball Super episode, I must admit that he’s been redeemed a little in my eyes...

Now, THAT was a good episode. It’s pretty filler-y in its own right. Goku is working as a farmer at ChiChi’s demand that he get a paying job, Goten (ugh) and Trunks are trying to get “toilet water” from a hotspring to give to Videl as a wedding gift now that her and Gohan are married.. Didn’t mind it. I had heard that DBS is very “slice of life” oriented, so I’m a little worried about how I will feel about it in the long run. It was good, but in a similar fashion to the DBZ Kai episode, I really want to get to some core plot and action. However, there WERE two very impressive highlights from this episode.

First, as I had alluded to earlier, Hercule has a moment that actually makes me like him a bit more. I still can’t stand how outrageously pompous he can be, but they follow up on the events of the Buu saga a bit. Hercule (ugh) wins a noble peace prize (uggggh) for saving the planet from an apocalyptic disaster (ugggggggggggh), and is awarded 100,000,000 Zeni (uggggggggggggggggggh), BUT, in the end, he gives the money to Goku (awwwwww). Honestly, it was a pretty touching moment. He admitted that Goku deserved it more because he was the one who actually stopped Buu. Perhaps there is another good moment like this in the Buu Saga that I just don’t remember (I guess we’ll see later into the ongoing Kai episodes!), but this felt like the first humanizing moment that Hercule has had since he was introduced in the Cell Saga. It was nice seeing that, behind that massive ego, he can be humble.

The second highlight outdoes that one, though. And that’s our first taste (pun intended) of Beerus. The tone that they set for him is amazing. At his whim, a planet’s (presumably) greatest chefs gather to cook a feast for him, to appease his appetite for delicious food. He admits that it is pretty delicious, but is displeased with a greasy feeling that one of the dishes leaves in his mouth. And just like that, BOOM, he destroys half of the planet! And that’s what he considers merciful! It was such a strong introduction to a character that is silly but at the same time scary powerful. It was honestly pretty chilling.

I know he’s not a villain in the traditional DBZ villain sense, but it feels like there are more long term goals for him to eventually be Goku’s next big enemy. That is really what I look forward to the most in the Dragon Ball franchise. Every saga ups the ante in incredible ways. Aside from the original Dragon Ball, which was AMAZING in its own right, we start off with a brat of a tyrannical overlord who is feared throughout the entire galaxy, a biomechanical android obsessed with perfection to feed his narcissism, who is created with the cells (ha) of that previous villain PLUS every major protagonist thus far, and then a primordial being who is the embodiment of evil and rage itself! DBZ may be more oriented around action than a complex story, but I’ll be damned if it doesn’t have some of the most hype, iconic villains around. And for good reason! Every one sets the bar higher and outdoes the other. They continually create a greater and greater challenge for the main characters to overcome. And now, we have a GOD of nonchalant destruction who is entirely neutral in terms of personal morality. If they do have larger, long term plans for him to be a main villain in the series like I’m thinking, then I’m glad that they’re not jumping into that immediately. I don’t think that the bar can go much higher than a god, but that’s fine. Because if they are setting him up to be a major antagonist at some point, then they made that bar faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar out of Goku’s reach. I believe that even at the point that DBS is at in Japan, Goku isn’t even remotely as strong a Beerus. He can’t hope to defeat him right now. So, they have to continue to appease him. If there is a point where he becomes a serious threat to earth and Goku has to stop him, then that will be much later on. Unless they have no intentions of making him a villain and he is just a main character now, then they are really playing a long con with him. So long in fact, that another main villain appears and is beaten. Who even knows how many more will come before it’s Beerus’ turn? Regardless, I find it brilliant how (in my speculation) a core villain is being kept around for multiple arcs in the story, as a looming threat and ultimate milestone for the protagonists to slowly reach.

On another note, my laptop is totally fucked. While typing all of this, it has been an absolute pain trying to keep it up. Currently, I have a big box on my bed from a heater that my mom got for Christmas, propping up the screen of my laptop. The hinge that keeps the screen anchored to the base is broken. So, now, it doesn’t stay open on its own. Either it falls back all the way, or it will fall closed if I pull it too far forward. On top of this, the screen is horribly cracked, like those Iphones you see that still work despite the glass being broken (the screen was protruding out from the shell of the laptop, so I tried to push it back in. Turns out there was a magnet out of place behind it that was supposed to go in this indent in the shell, but.. well, wasn’t when I tried to push the screen back in. So, the screen pressed against the magnet and now I have five or so long cracks across my screen). It has a LOT of trouble turning on too. Like, I’m scared to turn it off, because every time I turn it back on, it takes about 30 minutes to boot up the OS. It’s also missing 3 keys, the touchpad no longer pushes in (I don’t know what happened to it, but it’s raised now o.O), and it is INSANELY slow.

These are honestly probably the last couple weeks of this laptop’s life. But, that’s understandable. I’ve had it for a little over five years now. It’s had a really good run. What I’m dreading more than its eventual failure however, is getting its replacement.. I’ve had my eyes on Wacom’s “Mobile Studio” since it was revealed late last year, as a replacement for this laptop once it goes, as another portable computer. But, I’ll have to drop about 3 grand to get it. It’s an investment, I know. But I just.. really don’t want to spend that kind of money right now. I’d certainly be drawing more often if I had it. I’d probably be more productive overall, because it would be faster. I could take it around with me. Work from anywhere, unlike with my laptop in its current state of falling apart. I don’t know.. I’ve wanted a mobile tablet for years now. The spiritual ancestor to the Mobile Studio, the “Wacom Companion” was what I had my eyes on since this laptop started showing problem. This has been something a looooooooong time in the making. But, at no point since I wanted the first Wacom Companion in 2013, to now when I want the Mobile Studio in 2017, have I been willing to bite the bullet and pay that $3000 pricetag. It seems my hand is going to be forced soon, however...

Wow.. I’ve been typing for almost two hours. It’s 20 minutes to 11am. I should get some sleep. At this point, it might be a better idea to just stay up through the day and go to bed early tonight. Either way though, I’m ending this here.