#I’m not hating but I feel they really misinterpreted this point

[persona-brainrot-real]

So close! I was not saying maruki is basically shido the same way they manipulate people. A comparison is a literary device often used to bring two separate examples together for cohesion and understanding.

I was saying that by Maruki directing life for Sumire and hiding the truth from her, it would have resonated with Akechi as someone who had someone else hide the truth from him and direct his life.

I’m not getting into your other points bcs I find your analysis interesting but it doesn’t align with mine (which is fair! We are both extracting from the same source text, just in different ways, and yours is really interesting) but I’m not saying Maruki is a villain coercing people for the sake of it, I’m drawing comparisons to suggest where Akechi’s intense personal feelings towards Maruki came from and why he’s so invested in everything regarding Maruki. You’ve read my point, skimmed a section, and made your own argument to get mad at. Maruki is not Shido. I didn’t say that. I also didn’t say he wanted Joker to be alone, I even point out in the last paragraph that I’m exaggerating and being overly harsh for effect - it just happens to be that the reality where everyone gets what they want is one where joker would be alone, considering his friends all get their old and ideal lives back, where there’s no fundamental reason for them to have allied themselves with him.

Maruki is someone who is so thoroughly righteous and so firm on what he believes is right that it creates beautiful conflict. He is someone I adore and that I really understand his motives and I actually agree with what he’s doing/saying (to an extent). He is not Shido, he is his own complex character.

I don’t even know how to articulate my thoughts about Akechi and Sumire in the third semester. Something about Akechi, whose entire life was dictated by grief over his mother and the resentment of her killer that he stopped living it, seeing Sumire doing the exact same, grieving her sister and resenting herself as her sisters killer. It’s no wonder he hates Maruki so much for how he treats her and feeds into her desire to live as Kasumi - when you boil it down to it, Maruki’s endorsement of her desire to live as Kasumi isn’t all that different to Shido playing along with Akechi’s desire for revenge, both of them letting the vulnerable child think that they had an ounce of control in their decision.

He protects her every chance he can without ever being condescending to her but it still comes across patronising because she’s standing next to Joker, whose competence he never once doubts. He asks her if she’s okay, if she can handle it, and then turns to Joker and says don’t let me down. He checks in with her constantly and he realises what the issue is with her identity but never presses it so she can figure it out herself forgetting that if it wasn’t for the right circumstances and the confrontation with Maruki that she could never have realised or come to terms with it, just as he never realised that he was never going to get his revenge on Shido.

And in the middle of that you have a guy who has just watched all of his friends abandon him for a better, happier life with their old friends or old family and despite everything they’ve done together he realised he doesn’t really know them all. Not Kasumi, who was actually Sumire, not Akechi, who was lying to him the whole time they were friends (but who he suddenly has to trust completely because he has no other choice, who is STILL lying to him by never mentioning that he’s going to die soon) and not any of the Phantom Thieves, stop having time for him the moment they have other friends.

Maruki managed to make a reality that was completely isolating for Joker, gave him Akechi as a consolation prize for taking everyone else from him (exaggerating for effect: I know he and akechi wished for each other. The point remains that this was the only option Akira has for company after everyone else is given their friends or family back).

Does this make any sense. Can anyone hear me.

[hoshifighting]

when you make seventeen cry in an argument WARNINGS: angst, lots of crying. a/n: just a question, why do u guys enjoy angst this much?

seungcheol he hates crying in front of you, hates feeling vulnerable. he’s the type to hold everything in, trying to stay strong for the both of you, even when the argument gets intense. but when the words cut too deep, when he feels like he’s failing you, you’ll see his eyes gloss over. he won’t let the tears fall right away; he’ll turn his head, rub the back of his neck, trying to keep it together. but when you keep pushing, maybe saying something that hits a little too close to home, his voice will crack. “i’m just trying to make this work,” he’ll say, and that’s when you know he’s really hurting.

jeonghan is the last person you’d expect to see cry during an argument. but he won’t cry unless he feels completely misunderstood. he can handle a lot, can take the back-and-forth of a heated argument, but when he feels like you don’t see him for who he is, that’s when the tears start to build. he quickly turns his head, not wanting you to see. “do you really think that about me?” when the tears come, they’re quiet, more like a silent plea for you to understand him. hates that you’re seeing him like this, but he can’t help it.

joshua tries so hard to stay composed during an argument. he’s the peacemaker, the one who wants to talk things out rationally, but when the argument drags on and you keep circling back to the same painful points, it wears him down. he’ll keep his tone calm, even when his heart is breaking “i don’t want to lose you over this,” he’ll say, his voice shaking as tears spill down his cheeks. it’s the thought of losing you that makes him break.

junhui is a bit of a mystery when it comes to his emotions tbh. he’ll stay quiet during most arguments, letting you vent, but when he starts to feel like he’s being taken for granted or misinterpreted, that’s when the tears threaten to spill. he’ll bite his lip, trying to keep it together, but when you push just a little too hard, he’ll crack. “why do you think i don’t care?” it’s not that he’s weak; it’s that he cares too much.

soonyoung is passionate in everything he does, and that includes arguing. he’ll fight hard, push his point, but he’s also quick to feel the weight of the argument. he cries when he feels misunderstood, when he feels like no matter what he says, it’s not getting through. the tears come when the frustration boils over, when he feels like he’s failing to communicate how much he cares. “why can’t we just talk this out…,” he’ll say, his voice breaking as the tears start to fall, showing just how much he’s been holding in.

wonwoo is the type to hold everything in until he can’t anymore. he’ll stay quiet during an argument, letting you say what you need to say, but when he feels like you’re not hearing him, not seeing him, that’s when the tears start to build. he won’t cry easily; it takes a lot to get him to that point, but when he does, it’s heartbreaking. “i just want you to understand!”

woozi is tough, or at least he tries to be. he doesn’t like showing weakness, especially during an argument. he’ll try to fight it, to keep going, but his voice will start to crack. “why do you have to say it like that?” he’ll ask, and you’ll see the tears welling up in his eyes. he won’t let them fall right away; he’ll try to brush it off, to focus on the argument, but eventually, he’ll have to turn away, wiping at his eyes with the back of his hand, hating that he’s crying but unable to stop.

minghao is usually the one trying to keep things calm, trying to deescalate the argument before it gets too heated. he’s not quick to cry, but when he does, it’s because the fight has gone too far. when the tears start, he can’t stop them. they come silently, slipping down his cheeks as he takes a deep breath, trying to steady himself. “this isn’t what i wanted,” he says, voice trembling. he hates that it’s come to this, hates that he’s crying in the middle of a fight.

mingyu is sensitive, and that sensitivity often makes him emotional during arguments. he tries to keep it together, tries to stay strong, but it doesn’t take much to push him to the point of tears. it’s when the fight gets too intense, when it feels like you’re pulling away from him, that he starts to break down. he doesn’t try to hide it, doesn’t try to stop the tears from falling—he just lets them come, his shoulders shaking as he sobs. the fear that this fight could be the end of something he cares so deeply about.

seokmin always try to avoid conflict whenever possible. but when the argument gets serious, he can’t help but cry. just the sight of you upset, the sound of your voice cracking under the weight of the fight, and his own tears start to flow. he’s not good at hiding it, not good at keeping his emotions in bottled, so when he starts crying, and it’s hard for him to stop.

seungkwan wears his heart on his sleeve, and that makes him quick to cry during arguments. he’s not ashamed of it, not afraid to show his emotions, but that doesn’t make it any easier when the tears start to fall. he tries to keep talking, tries to work through the argument, but his voice breaks, and suddenly he’s crying, his shoulders vibrating, and he can’t hold it back once it starts.

vernon is usually pretty laid-back, but when something really matters to him, he’ll fight for it. he doesn’t cry easily, but when it feels like it’s breaking something between you two, it hits him hard. the tears come when he feels like he’s losing you, like the fight is pushing you further apart, and then the tears will come, slow at first but then all at once. he’ll hate that he’s crying, hate that he’s showing this side of himself.

chan is still figuring things out, still learning how to navigate arguments and everything. he is sensitive, but he’s not quick to cry during an argument. but there’s a limit to how much he can take. when he feels a lump form in his throat. he tries to push it down, tries to keep his voice steady, but when he sees the pain in your expression, it’s too much. his eyes well up, and he has to pause, taking a deep breath to keep from breaking down completely. he can't understand.

[our-queer-experience]

posts like these really bother me because i feel like they entirely misinterpret what trans men and mascs say about our experiences and make it seem like we’re all tomboy lesbians while not explicitly saying that, hiding behind the guise of “it’s ok to be gnc”. ive also never seen a gender critical understand what gender non conformity is beyond not shaving, but that’s a separate point.

obviously there is nothing wrong with any of these things. they don’t inherently mean youre a transgender man.

but there’s a pretty big ‘but’ here.

why is op saying this?

who do you think their comment is directed at?

what do they want to achieve?

given everything, i’d say they believe trans men are just girls who hate their body and are confused as to why. it’s aimed at questioning trans boys who don’t know where their feelings are coming from. and op wants to convince them not to transition, to just stay gnc

now, about the actual post itself: i wouldn’t say its normal for cis girls to hate their sex characteristics. i’d say it’s common, just like feeling anxious is common, but not everyone has an anxiety disorder, yk? but not wearing makeup, crossdressing, disliking periods(who doesnt lol), being attracted to women… yea, that’s normal! but trans men who say “i do this so i think im a guy” arent saying any person assigned female who does this is a guy.

see, i fit… all of that criteria. i know cis women who fit all of that criteria. the difference here is what that means to us.

for me, i want to wear boys clothes AS A BOY. i have short hair because being read as a boy makes me feel seen, i want to grow it out once i pass. i hate my sex characteristics because i am a boy who wishes he was male. i like women as a straight guy. i wish i wasn’t a girl because i’m not one. i’m doing womanhood wrong because i am a man expected to be a woman.

my cis female friends may agree with the first half of each of those sentences, but not the why part. posts like that are misleading because they position being trans as wanting a haircut or being “same sex attracted”. as misinterpreting “normal girl things”.

im really sick of all these disingenuous gender criticals claiming to be doing this in support of gnc girls, when 1. very little understanding of gender non conformity is present and 2. it’s only to stop us from being so gnc we’re actually guys now.

[potato-lord-but-not]

Followed you a long time ago for just how cool your art looks, finally decided to look into the podcast characters you like to draw! I just saw one ask asking if the character Oscar is POC, and I wonder are characters in those podcasts usually unclear in ethnicity, and the fandom can freely headcanon? Like I know if info is clearly very mentioned in the original work or there is official concept art then it would be easy, but I'm really scared if I headcanoned something that is completely different from implied canon info I didn't pick up/ info that showed up in an obscure interview. Do you have any advice in navigating information in podcast fandoms?

Usually with podcasts, you can go off of official art and or descriptions from the podcast. In the case of malevolent, hardly any characters, aside from the eldritch monsters that John likes to describe in detail, have a solid description of their looks. that’s why you get so many different variations of Noel and Oscar. Ofc there are context clues that can help you inform your design choices (or just context. like Oscar’s Scottish accent and the Butcher’s Irish accent. he may even have been described as being Irish but idk that’s besides the point, you can tell).

But even then you can play with it, like how I made Oscar mixed Scottish and Jamaican. And honestly! sometimes you can ignore it! like with Gordon from red valley, who I already had a design I liked before he was described as being pale and even implied to look white. but like I said ! you can have fun with it !

I also sometimes check voice actors, because in some instances you can’t tell someone’s ethnicity from their voice alone, and I’d hate to misinterpret their character because I couldn’t pick up on that. that’s more so a concern when the voice actor is POC tho. With malevolent tho it’s all done by Harlan, who is white, so I think headcanoning characters as different ethnicities is more important, and also way more fun.

Oh also! fandom wikis are a good place to double check. cus they’d definitely have something like that you may have missed- like something from an interview or the character’s full name, which can sometimes indicate their ethnicity ( like Parker Yang from malevolent, only shows up as a corpse in the show but important enough to Arthur that he’s still a fan favorite to make content about)

ghugh I’m rambling- I’d say the majority of the time you’re free to do whatever, just be open to change your design if descriptions come up later on (I’d say more importantly if they’re described to be POC, cus like with Gordon I think my design for him with more Afro centric features looks way cooler and feels more like him than anything I could come up with that would be more canon compliant). Also you can go off common fanon designs, but those are just mutually agreed upon and it’s not wrong to go against that. Like with the Magnus Archives there are no official designs and they let the people make whatever designs they please.

OKAY IG TLDR- do what you want, keep your ears open for character descriptions when listening, double check with character wikis or their voice actors, don’t be afraid to make more POC characters even of the cast is played by mostly white people because the more diverse cast the more fun and interesting your art will be.

[louferrignojrofficial]

one thing that really annoys me and that i normally wouldn’t bitch about on main but i’m just not feeling all that great today so i’m gonna - is how some people who ship buddie but liked tommy - both in general and with buck - are acting. (editing this to say it got really long and a little off topic so proceed with caution)

before 7x10, they’d be like omg he’s so funny, so considerate, he’s so cute/handsome!! with an added disclaimer of (i still ship buddie and i think they’re gonna be endgame but i’m enjoying tommy and him with buck in the meantime!)

and then after that dinner scene, it was like a switch flipped. he’s so disgusting, insensitive, how dare he make a daddy issues joke when buck was talking about bobby basically being his father and when he was basically dying!!! how dare he!!!! i’m not gonna go into how that’s a gross misinterpretation of the scene and just plain wrong because that’s a whole other rant.

it was a drastic change. there’s all these posts hating on him, on everything they’d liked about him before. having the most negative misinterpretations of things they’d literally praised about him saying/doing before. all but rewriting canon dialogue to create this narrative of how much characters, mostly eddie, feel towards tommy.

now i see so many of these people making and/or reblogging posts saying they can’t wait for buck to break up with tommy because he either somehow mistook his feelings for eddie with feelings for tommy because they’re baSicaLly tHe sAme pErSon, or that eddie and everyone else will be like we never liked him in the first place, or some other insane post about how they’d kill tommy or rant about how much they hate him for things they literally had no problem with before.

like i’m not saying you can’t change your mind about a character, but i just think it’s crazy how much people can start to hate someone they literally had no problem with after ONE comment.

and this is another thing partially related, but seeing how the tommy hate has gotten so out of hand, i see comments on twitter and tumblr and even on instagram posts from the cast hating on him that veer towards sounding just plain homophobic. like the killing tommy ‘jokes’ ??? you’re not funny. you sound homophobic. ‘but i’m not homophobic for not liking a character and making a joke!!’ okay so imagine literally anyone else who knew nothing about the show making a comment like you’re doing. it’s not a good look.

to me, it seems clear that to these people, tommy was just meant to be a placeholder. he was meant to only be there for buck to realise his bisexuality, and then buddie was meant to be canon and so tommy is in the way somehow. because people took bi buck being shut down back in season 4 to be proof that buddie was meant to have gone canon (which i’m not saying wasn’t the case, but it’s never been confirmed or really even hinted at.)

so now anything to do with tommy just makes people so mad, because he’s still here and buddie isn’t happening. so they’re purposefully having the most negative interpretation of anything to do with tommy to make themselves feel better.

hating on tommy makes it easier to deal with the fact buddie doesn’t seem to in the cards (at least rn). so people don’t have to really consider that it may never happen, so they don’t have to shift the blame onto the actors and writers and anyone else. so they can continue to read into any oliver and ryan interaction into meaning canon buddie, anything they say in interviews that doesn’t point towards canon buddie, to misinterpret anything they do say (including ryan continuously calling eddie heterosexual, that’s a big one) because they can’t give away anything yet, it has to be a surprise!!!

tldr: people are hating on tommy after 7x10, and it’s less to do with anything he said in that scene and more to do with the fact that he’s still on the show and buddie doesn’t seem to be going canon. and that hating on him makes it easier to deal with that fact.

[bobbyfloyd]

this has been weighing heavily on my mind the last few days. i am not making this post to open another can of worms, but i do want to shed some light on something that i think is a major issue in the lewis fanbase. please forgive me for being so long winded. it’s lengthy. but i feel that it’s necessary to speak about, and i appreciate you if you read it all.

last week news surfaced that lewis is in a relationship. cool, good for him. if he and her are happy, that’s wonderful. but when the news came out i made a post in which i said “side eyeing lewis extremely hard for dating a 23 year old.” and boy, did that open the floodgates.

to be explicitly clear. his girlfriend is an adult, capable of making her own decisions. i’m not infantilizing her, nor am i claiming lewis has nefarious intentions. far from it. i merely raised a brow at the fact that she’s in her early 20s and he’s 32. if she was 25+ i wouldn’t have a single problem with it. but there is a larger issue when it comes to the way society treats women and men in age gap relationships. i have seen a lot of hateful filth directed at his girlfriend for going after older men. i have seen less criticism directed at lewis for being the older man pursuing a younger woman. there’s a major disparity there. that is my main issue. do i think lewis is predatory for this? no! absolutely not! do i think it makes him a bad person? also no. i’m merely iffy about a 23 year old and a 32 year old dating. and i made a post saying such. but when i tell you the floodgates that it opened. i couldn’t believe my eyes. and that’s why i’m making this post.

when i initially posted about it, i fully admit that i did overreact a bit. in fact i probably shouldn’t have said anything to begin with. but what’s done is done. i had a knee jerk reaction, which i apologized for (but deleted the post after things got crazy). but through this, saw a few concerning extremes. on one hand, i started getting flooded with anons who were tearing him to shreds, making horrific claims about his intentions in his relationship. i also got countless asks from people who were upset he was in a relationship to begin with because they thought they had a chance with him, and that is not the point i was making at all when i first spoke about it. from the beginning my issue was the age gap and people misconstrued my words so severely, to the point where it got kind of scary.

that’s when i got inundated with vile harassment. people telling me i was mentally ill, that i should delete my blog, i even got ones saying that i should kill myself. others said things like “lewis will never fuck you” which is such a misogynistic approach in my opinion, where you come to the conclusion that the reason a woman is criticizing a man is because she wants to have sex with him. i don’t know why sex was brought into the matter but frankly it was disturbing and i take great offense to it.

and then there were the vague posts. people who were very obviously talking about me. who misinterpreted me so severely that they believed the reason i was upset is because i thought i had a chance with him. people answering speculatory anons who were very obviously referring to me, and thus stirring the pot and inadvertently causing more anons to target me. i made a post apologizing about overreacting, and in that post i said it wasn’t healthy to be invested in his love life, because that enters into parasocial territory. the reason i said that was because of the anons i was getting who were saying really disturbing things about lewis, and because there were some who genuinely believed he was interested in them. that is why i made that point. and then i see “why are you obsessed with his love life? that’s not very anti-parasocial of you” using my words against me, and i was flabbergasted because before this, i never (to my knowledge) said anything about his love life, aside from general things. a few posts made in the heat of the moment is not obsessing over his love life. and yet, my words and intentions got so severely misconstrued.

when i originally addressed the issue and responded to some asks about it, i was heated and perhaps i didn’t explain things clearly enough. i probably said things i shouldn’t have. and i know me deleting everything made me look worse in the situation, but when i saw the horrifying response in my inbox, from both extremes, i knew i had to delete the posts because the way people were reacting was, honestly, frightening. i blocked each one when i saw them, but i want it to be known that at one point i received 50 hateful asks in a row, in the span of one minute. presumably from the same person, because of how they were worded and how they were sent back to back. FIFTY! that is so extreme and obsessive! all because i criticized lewis for dating a 23 year old.

this is not me saying “woe is me! i got hate! please feel sorry for me!” not at all. i am merely shedding light on the unhinged, disturbing way that people reacted. it really put this community in a different light for me. a place i once thought was chill and loving, now soured, because, at the drop of a hat, people will turn against whoever they disagree with and harass and threaten them. in what world is that okay? even if i really was crashing out and claiming i thought lewis should be with me, it still wouldn’t justify that level of harassment.

in the end i have come to the conclusion that this situation brings out the worst in people, on both sides. i completely understand if you don’t see any issue with the age gap, that’s your prerogative, good for you. however, my personal opinion on it will not change, no matter how many hateful asks or vague posts people make. my feelings are set in stone. and i don’t think that it’s appropriate to make the claim that people criticizing him for this situation are only doing so because they’re upset he wasn’t into them. once again, to reduce competent and valid criticism to “you’re just mad lewis won’t fuck you” is…vulgar and off-putting.

i will not speak about lewis’s love life again after this, because it has been made clear that doing so causes all rationality to go out the window and it sends people into a tizzy. not to mention, it really isn’t our business, no matter how publicized it ends up being. and if i do speak on it again you all have permission to beat me over the head. aside from that, i apologize for bringing it up again but i just have been agonizing over it for days and needed to get it off my chest. if you read to the end, i love and appreciate you. have some candy 🍬🍭

also, if you’re one of my mutuals and you went to bat for me or checked in with me when things got crazy, i love you and have gained a deeper appreciation for you all. there are still good, kind people in this community and i’m grateful for each of you.

much love.

[wickmitz]

SEDGEWICK SABLE & MITZI MAY : an overall study, part one .

discussing their individual characters, their relationship, their respective scenes, and a plethora of details found in-between.

this question is a good one! though i’m going to prematurely apologize for the length of my response to it, since this requires some extensive analysis. mostly because i feel like fans are prone to misreading and misinterpreting mitzi’s and wick’s relationship a lot in general, but also due to the fact there’s a lot of outside elements that are currently affecting their relationship as we see it in the comic. so to even begin to understand their mindset on the date, we have to rehash previous events and actually understand what’s happening within those moments. after all, like most good character writing, there’s a lot being said without actively telling the reader every little thing! it’s also important to note that this romantic relationship is very complex, with both parties involved being extremely human in nature ; prone to messing up and feeding impulses that, while understandable, aren’t exactly wise or good natured. for example, you will see some rather heavy miscommunication in this dynamic! but to start off with this beast of an analysis, let me discuss some statements i’ve seen made in regards to wick and mitzi, which are not only extremely biased in wick’s favor, but are factually untrue. these topics will come into play later! and will help establish some key elements i’ll mention again when recounting the events of the comic.

some opinions i’ve seen thrown around that are treated as canonical fact are a combination of ‘mitzi’s been setting out to use wick from the start / she isn’t actually interested in him / is merciless when taking advantage of him, and etc etc.’ -- and in order to properly begin this analysis and what’s really going on, you have to cast these ideas aside! i, personally, don’t think any of these views are true and serve as an extremely simplistic explanation for mitzi’s behavior, while also robbing wick of any actual agency he may have. he is not some helpless victim led astray by mitzi’s tempting offers and curves, and has even been stated to not be as morally righteous as he claims by tracy on occasion. he, like mitzi and everyone else in lackadaisy, is a heavily flawed individual! and that’s important to keep in mind as i go through and a.) debunk these misconceptions and b.) actually discuss the events of the comic, including the in-between we weren’t privy to as readers. i also don’t think i need to clarify this, but just in case someone out there is thinking it in passing : i cannot make it clear enough that mitzi is just as flawed as wick, if not more so! she is not an innocent party in the events, and i won’t shy away from discussing the morally ambiguous things she does either. however, it’s undeniable that she gets more hate than wick, or any other man in lackadaisy, thus i find it prominent to disprove the cartoonishly villainous reads of her character. i might defend her more than wick here, or approach her with more sympathy, but this doesn’t ever negate her wrongs and i know this. but with all these disclaimers, preamble, and topic starters out of the way, i’m going to go through these points one by one ( alongside their scenes together ) and discuss them as i see fit.

the first time we see mitzi and wick together is in the comic page introduction three : where they’re photographed together with some other noticeable faces, with a date of ‘5-21-1927’ dated in the corner. the two are beside one another and are leaning into each other’s space, an action that seems commonplace for them given how they’re depicted in the phantom bootlegger as well. it’s also worth noting that despite the rather tragic circumstances surrounding them, the two still appear to be in high spirits -- both donning a smile while flashing an almost coy look at the camera. they look as though nothing is amiss about the situation at all, honestly, and given their proximity, it appears they’re close. i’ve offhandedly mentioned to others that i wouldn’t be surprised if wick were standing in atlas’s ‘spot’, so to speak ; since he’s always shown standing to her left. it gives couple vibes! something that’s rather unremarkable since we know from wick’s own mouth that he’s been interested in mitzi since her days as atlas’s wife, as well as the implied affection at first sight in the side comic limestone. but i’ll note it nonetheless, because if this photo was taken before the proceeding events ( a likely story, since freckle is absent in the photo ), then this implies a closeness between wick and mitzi. they are comfortable around each other and are rather pleased to be in each other’s presence well before acting upon any feelings in a romantic light, unabashedly friendly before the other lackadaisy crew as well as not minding being posed so closely while being photographed together. they are on good terms and have likely stayed that way since they’ve known one another -- i feel like people act as though wick and mitzi had no genuine bond prior to the events of the comic, when it seems rather implied they were at least friends before. this also very weakly discredits claims of planned manipulation from the start as well as mitzi not liking wick outside of his money. the only thing up for debate, in my eyes, is how close they were, not if they were close at all … though now we reach actual canon events, most notably pages such as : formaldehyde, overtime, hallelujah, overture, caveat, and rendezvous respectively. these are pages that i’ll be talking about in length, since i see them as necessary reading ( and rereading ) for these two before volume two’s events.

formaldehyde, overtime, and overture are sort of bundled together for what they reveal where it concerns mitzi’s plans with wick as a person in her life. i think it’s easy to view her joy upon seeing sedgewick in the paper as an opportunistic lightbulb ; ‘good news’ that she can exploit and a balm applied to her financial troubles that had her looking at the obituaries for some levity. but i’d argue she is genuinely happy for wick too, with both selfless and selfish intent. while actually celebrating his success isn’t her main concern, i see some part of her proud of him nonetheless -- even if it’s an unspoken congratulations. though what’s more pressing is that it’s here that we see her intentions as clear as day, which is that she plans to schmooze wick’s investor friends in order to keep the lackadaisy afloat. emphasis on the investors here! her letter to wick shows her priorities clear as day, sending extra club pins and drawing attention to the desire for extra company, and not just wick’s own. when wick swindles the rather bored crowd the lackadaisy’s way, we see how mitzi leaps into action ; giving the men her full attention and chatting them up, making her motives clear as day to them while maintaining some business coyness. the real apple of her eye here is edmund church, who is poised to appear as the leading man where the investors are concerned, and even her body language is attentive towards the man. facing him directly, leaning the full weight of her body towards him …

but while doing so, she is visually turning herself away from wick. back practically turned to him and his presence all but ignored. it’s clear he’s not her schmoozing target, which implies she’s not searching for an investment from wick himself ; as though this is a line she doesn’t wish to cross, and would rather find her money elsewhere despite her mounting desperation. we also know that before these events that mitzi has sold everything she could in order to make things work, including rather sentimental items like wedding china and not limited to whatever mansion her and atlas previously lived in. to me, this shows that mitzi was never planning to use wick at all, really, and in fact was so against the notion that she’d rather manipulate his friends than the very easy target beside her. while she’s arguably a selfish character, people seem to not grasp how hard she tried to keep wick from becoming more than a loyal patron to the lackadaisy. it’s only when all other avenues have been exhausted that she attempts to use him -- and we’ll talk in depth about this decision later, since it wasn’t an easy choice, much less something she decided to do without some inner turmoil in her heart. and while yes, her exploiting wick’s investors is her using him to a degree, it’s worth noting that ( and i cannot stress this enough ) wick was more than well aware of her intentions and brought the men along anyway. he feeds these men to this lady he fancies, something church will call him out for in caveat and something borderline confirmed in overture itself. wick is hardly the idiot people make him out to be! he may be prone to obliviousness, but he’s no toddler who fails to understand even the most obvious social cues. at this point in the comic he trusts mitzi completely ; unfazed by the rumors she killed atlas and believing her incapable of violence due to how long he’s known her. he thinks her kind, he thinks her graceful, and his fondness for the widow is palpable in most of their early scenes … and even somewhat during the time in which their bond is strained.

in fact, the first time mitzi acknowledges wick’s presence beside her is when wick pipes up to offer her advice on how to win church over. not only is he aware of what she’s doing, he is now actively encouraging it by offering up tips and tidbits he probably learned himself when securing church’s investment, all while he smiles and leans towards her, a flirtatious and admiring nature about him.

sedgewick sable may be one of the kindest men in lackadaisy, but he’s still a capitalist at his core, someone who knows how important money is and is used to the give and take society he’s a part of. and while he’s still helping mitzi here, there’s also little denying the fact that he’s doing this to garner brownie points with her … there is some self interest he’s serving here, even if he’s rather sweet about it. as church so eloquently puts it, wick essentially tried to “charge in with ( his ) group of shareholders in a great display of concern for the lady.” and while wick vaguely denies this claim, i think it’s more than obvious that’s exactly what he tried to do here, especially given how quickly he admits it’s “difficult to resist a damsel in distress,” while adorning a rather sly look. what happened here is wick was bluntly called out for his readiness to use the investors so he could get in good with mitzi, appease her and impress her in some way, and he seems rather shameless about this intent thus far. many fans misinterpret this scene, due to being fiercely protective of wick and quick to sense church’s antagonistic role. and just to be clear, when i say antagonistic, i mean that he is the voice of opposition against something that wick’s arc is all about ( i.e. being in a relationship with mitzi ). because of this, fans are inclined to dismiss everything that church says as patently untrue. however, i find it pertinent to reassess church’s specific wording. when he speaks to mitzi in overture, he calls her business ‘criminal reputations’, and though mitzi is able to win him over enough that he stops complaining, he goes right back to his original opinion come caveat, where he states that ‘there’s no reason any of us should have an interest in illegitimate business’. what church says next, however, is curious ; he brings up both mitzi’s reputation and wick’s, pointing out just how incongruous they are, and spells out for him that if he’d like to associate with criminals, then he is in the wrong career. at no point does church tell wick not to have feelings for mitzi nor to pursue them -- what i believe church is essentially reminding wick of is that people will notice his associations with the lackadaisy if he decides to mix business and pleasure like he did tonight. after all, what wick has done, in the simplest of terms, is try to goad his investors into making an objectively harmful business decision so that he could get in good with a woman he fancies. the problem is hardly that wick goes to the lackadaisy ( after all, church and the other investors do go to speakeasies! ), or even that he has a clear interest in mitzi may. rather, church is warning wick against letting his personal feelings guide him into making poor decisions in his business.

it’s not shown how wick reacts to church’s advice, but seems to initially dismiss it, as he spends the rest of his time ushering them away and paying for viktor’s medical bills, an action he does partly due to wanting to look good in front of mitzi once again. while i believe wick would’ve paid them anyway ( he couldn’t ever just let viktor die ) i still find it interesting how the comic highlights ivy using mitzi against him and this working effortlessly. he stops asking questions and stops debating about the ethics of taking viktor to the hospital and merely pays the doctor when quackenbush gets there … before scrambling off to make himself useful at the little daisy.

all of this is to say that wick is hardly some helpless victim who was being used against his will here. he had something to gain from this too and helped these events unfold, completely aware of mitzi’s desire to win over his investors for her own needs. wick’s knowledge of this will come back into play soon enough, although we’re going to talk about mitzi real quick, as well as the comic page rendezvous.

after the events of killjoy, mitzi’s already dire situation takes a turn for the worse due to unseen circumstances, with many things falling at her feet at once. the last vestiges of their reputation has been tarnished alongside what was a golden opportunity, the lackadaisy is trashed and destroyed, she finds out that mordecai has taken all their arsenal, viktor is shot to hell, and had it not been for the presence of a stranger, the likelihood of her, rocky, and zib kicking the bucket was too likely to be comfortable. naturally, mitzi seems composed during these stressful events, keeping her cool as best she can and acting unfazed by what was imminent danger ; to a degree, this show of apathy is genuine, in the sense that mitzi is unafraid of death and physical harm. she made the choice to stay in the lackadaisy despite knowing she’d be safer on the other side of those doors, and in loggerhead she even implies she’d rather take the risks and die because allowing the lackadaisy to fade out of existence is a ‘sadder fate’ in her eyes. i don’t think i need to talk in length about how unhealthy this mindset is or how much this demonstrates mitzi’s obsession -- her selfishness to cling onto her husband’s ruinous legacy is so severe that she would even be happier perishing in its place, an almost passive suicidality mindset that i don’t see touched upon often. but for all her nonchalance about shootouts, there’s this worsening tiredness and despair that clings to her eyes and gestures when the pig farmers are slain. forced to do nothing else but accept the grim reality of such a brutal aftermath and see viktor’s awful state for herself, another blow she gets to see up close. they could’ve lost everything here, and they almost did! it’s a devastating end to a once hopeful evening, one that has her aimless and with no real plans for a future. i don’t think mitzi even thought to use wick even upon hearing about his offered charity, yet i believe we see the exact moment when such a thought crosses her mind ; maybe not for the first time, but here is when the idea becomes too tantalizing to ignore. she’s out of options and wick is there, like always, and mitzi’s desperation ( her grief ) eclipses any care she has for wick in a singular moment that changes their dynamic completely.

we’re finally at rendezvous, which is probably the most important page ( or at least one of the most integral pages ) to wick and mitzi’s relationship. a lot happens here between these two characters despite the simplicity of their actions, after all, chatting for a little and then kissing isn’t much to sneeze at plot wise. but what’s pressing here is the visuals and the dialogue rather than their actions. we start off with mitzi entering the little daisy cafe and catching wick tidying up the mess rocky and freckle created when they ran through the building ; he’s obviously waiting around to hear of viktor’s condition and doing something useful with his hands in the meantime, having been interrupted from where he’d been staring at atlas’ picture on the wall. miss may makes light of his ‘raiding’ and says she could’ve just made him something to eat if he really wants and wick responds in kind, sarcasm and banter exchanged briefly before they touch upon the events unfolding around them. mitzi expresses her gratitude and ensures she’ll pay wick back ( something she says without being prompted to ) before telling a curious wick about viktor’s condition. unable to help himself further, he asks mitzi what happened tonight, to which she remains silent -- wick realizes he’s better off not knowing and relents with a smile, to which we get this line from mitzi.

there’s a properness to this, where she goes as far as to stop using his nickname to address him as sedgewick instead. her paw reaches up to begin fiddling with her necklace ( something she does whenever thinking or reminded of atlas ) and before she can finish her thought, her attention is forced from wick onto the very picture he’d been staring at previously. my opinion on this scene is that, for all intents and purposes, this reads like some sort of formal rejection ; flavoring in ‘you’re so kind’s and ‘such a swell man, you are!’s before ending with your resounding no, so to speak. i think in this moment, mitzi was going to be honest with wick instinctively, especially after he saved her some trouble despite not having to. ”and i would hate to …” use him? lead him on? seemingly promise something she’s incapable of delivering upon? maybe she suspects he paid for viktor’s bills to win her over ( a semi correct assumption ) and wants to clear the air on that. say that while she’s thankful and while wick is an amazing person, he won’t be ‘getting’ anything out of this from her … not right now. i’ll talk more about how i believe mitzi views wick in a moment, but all in all i struggle to see what else she would’ve been trying to say here if not some kind of soft rejection. values his loyalty and kindness too much to lead him on in that way, or take advantage of him -- until she isn’t, which just happens to be obvious in this next scene. i need it on record that visually this is one of the most compelling scenes in all of lackadaisy to me! there is something so disturbing about it, somber, an eerie feeling that something is amiss and that mitzi’s state of mind is undeniably poor. that her view of things is clouded and warped, and this will overshadow any of her true thoughts or feelings due to this skewing of priorities.

and here we have this brief moment, a single panel of silence that doesn’t last more than a second perhaps, before mitzi ultimately kisses wick. what we see visually is wide, doll eyes staring at atlas -- her husband framed in time and sat at the little daisy cafe, surrounded by men who admired and feared him in equal measure, successful, and ‘looking’ down at her. seeing him renders her speechless, only roused from this heavy stare down when wick replaces atlas with his own face ; confused and worried, not at all similar to the emotionless expression she was taken by, but it’s interesting nonetheless. it’s only then that mitzi pushes into wick and kisses him! and i think this very scene is when mitzi not only thought to use wick, but was far gone enough to actually do so as well. there’s a lot of things to be potentially dissected from this scene! mitzi’s obsession with atlas, how she’s far gone enough to ruin a friendship just for his sake ( and for her own as well ) … or the fact wick seems to be her new direction, shallowly filling what space atlas has left behind, perhaps easing her loneliness and money woes all the while. this scene is never discussed and it’s criminal it isn’t, when there’s so much being said here in the silence of it all. she is haunted and tormented and all she can see is atlas, and after everything that’s happened to her and the lackadaisy, wick becomes an avenue and a tool for the sake of it. it’s not a kiss she seems to even enjoy and it looks as though it’s entirely impulsive and forced on her end.

with comics, it’s finicky to decipher what happens between panels, but what’s obvious here is that wick doesn’t respond to her advance immediately, which causes mitzi to pull back. she apologizes vaguely, giving a dismissive ‘i do that sometimes,’ something that’s probably not even true given how valiantly mitzi loathes feeling like a ‘harlot’, so to speak. she’s obviously trying to brush this incident aside ; either having come to her senses and being rightfully embarrassed or taking his unresponsive nature as her having read him wrong. feigns aloofness when wick asks what she does so often exactly, still distant by all means, and had it not been for the olives and their forced proximity, she might’ve made her leave. as quickly as the impulse came, it had left, and i don’t think it’s out of the realm of possibility to think mitzi quickly regretted her actions here due to how emotionally driven they were. but instead she lingers and stays, and then ( in my eyes, given the composition of the pose ) wick yanks her into another kiss now that the surprise has worn off. after all, he did want this! she had caught him off guard is all. it’s worth noting she looks more at ease with this kiss, knowing it’s reciprocated and enjoying it as a passionate thing led by wick rather than herself. maybe she can excuse it now, her attempt to use him, since he’s ‘leading’ so to speak. regardless, this is where rendezvous ends … however, i want to address one more thing before i move on completely.

there’s no true way of telling what happened after this comic page due to the morning timeskip we experience. all we know is that wick eventually went home, after being out ‘later than usual’, which could imply he stayed for a lengthy period of time after or could simply be referring to the fact he didn’t leave with bix at first. i’d argue the earlier assumption based on the fact wick technically ‘left early’ anyway due to the raid, but that’s besides the point. people seem to believe that mitzi selfishly dropped this investment deal onto wick, that it was solely her idea, yet we see multiple times in volume two that this isn’t the case at all -- and that wick not only agreed to meet with her, but seemingly for the purpose of talking about his potential investment. here we have wick acknowledging he made last minute plans in grindstone, as well as mitzi heavily implying wick was very much into the idea of investing in her business last night in doublet :

wick never refutes these claims and the narrative does nothing to disprove this either. so it’s safe to assume that either during their necking or thereafter, one of them brought up the idea of wick investing and they both seemed eager about the prospect, enough so to agree upon meeting later in order to discuss the actual details. once again, wick is well aware of mitzi’s intention during the events of her date, an intention she barely bothers hiding because they’ve agreed to talk about it, and we’ll put a pin in that for later. now that we’ve actually concluded the canon events leading up to volume two ( as well as some moments in between ) i’ll briefly talk about mitzi’s and wick’s feelings during this time.

one of the biggest problems they’re facing currently, and one that will worsen over time, is that neither of them are on the same wavelength here. there is undoubtedly mutual attraction between them as well as affection, but how they view and understand these emotions is where they stay divided. we have sedgewick sable who’s well aware of his feelings ( or, in time, thought he was anyway ), has been since meeting mitzi for the first time, and is so bold in his fondness that he lingered inside her circle despite her marital status. he knows he wants mitzi romantically or at the very least casually … everyone around him can tell this too. it’s not some secret or taboo sin wick is prone to shying away from! he doesn’t even care about the rumors or her widow status -- or how bad it would look to be public with her given the mysterious and illegal circumstances she’s surrounded in. he desires to impress and woo her on top of being helplessly smitten.

where they seem to differ is that while wick is keenly aware of his attraction, mitzi is not. or, more accurately, has no clarity to which she can view it and understand it for what it is. during the events of the comic, she’s long since rewritten her memories of atlas and has painted them in this golden picture of pure happiness and true love and joy … she’s romanticized her past with him, purposefully forgetting things in order to maintain this ‘i had a fairytale life when i was married to atlas’ viewpoint. we see how this perspective affects even the most major of things, like the way mitzi casually spits in the face of her old life with the band, now adamant about the fact she was miserable then and felt just oh so disgusting while performing. while i believe some of those feelings are true, i also believe that mitzi is inherently devaluing things that aren’t related to atlas due to a mixture of obsession and grief she’s not looking in the eye. when you lose someone you love or loved, the sudden hit of loss makes it very easy to morph the person in your mind into someone perfect and godly. mordecai has likely done the same thing. it’s simple to deal with heartbreak in that way, to better love someone when they’re dead and gone with only memories and photos and feelings left behind as evidence they were ever there at all. in many ways, mitzi can’t comprehend atlas anymore, and has channeled her wounds into this constant conflicting fixation instead of something to heal. so, naturally, she is not thinking about herself -- her desires, her wants, her thoughts, or her feelings ; it's a chorus of atlas and the lackadaisy instead. mitzi isn’t in the space of mind to inspect her feelings towards wick and figure out whether she likes him or not … not when all she cares about is her priority. it also doesn’t help that zib, the person who arguably knew her best ( but doesn’t know her anymore despite how they both pretend otherwise ), immediately accuses her of using wick at the very beginning of volume one.

again, zib isn’t wrong and it turns out his fears are more than valid! but it’s worth saying that mitzi’s clouded mind is already having the notion of ‘you don’t care for wick like that, you’re just using him’ shoved into her brain as evident fact from someone who’s important to her. while she fancies him and would, in another world, be more than eager to engage in frivolous courting and romantic inclinations, i don’t think she herself knows that. but if she did take a moment and examine what she’s doing and how she feels now, she’d probably dismiss all that and be more than convinced that she’s manipulating wick, utilizing his attraction to her while having none of her own in order to steal some much needed money from his pockets. like i mentioned in this post, mitzi likely believes atlas was her one true love and that she’d never love again, furthering this notion of her accidentally puppeting her own emotions to be more understandable in her eyes. this ( coupled with guilt for using wick so brutally ) is also why she appears to almost avoid romance entirely during their ‘date,’ only ever resorting to such overt flirtation when desperately trying to get wick to talk to her about what she needs to talk to him about. her methods and actions during those events are more calculated, as was her initial kiss in rendezvous. it’s also worth noting the next time we see mitzi is while she’s getting ready, sat at her vanity and looking particularly small and numb. it’s giving some levels of dissociation! this is not the expression of someone who’s remembering the events of last night fondly, which sadly includes the kiss between her and wick.

but still, we as the audience know she likes him subconsciously. we cannot always trust her perspective and instead need to analyze and look at the little things to infer if her views and genuine feelings align. her constant fondness for wick shows itself even during moments where mitzi believes she is uncaring. she is usually smiling at the mention of wick or from being around him, will casually touch him affectionately, and is visibly enjoying the act of posing with him in photomajig. everything i’ve previously said more than proves she cares for him to a rather utmost degree too. like most of their relationship and respective characters, these two extremes can coexist in their own unique way, and i wholeheartedly believe they do. i’ll also acknowledge that i haven’t talked about wick much, but don’t worry! we will get there in volume two soon enough, which i will now be covering and analyzing in detail as well.

as mentioned previously, the next time we see mitzi is after the events of last night, likely sometime in the afternoon given later events. she is putting in her earrings while sat at her vanity, surrounded by a seemingly endless supply of photos ( another metaphor for the past and how it never really leaves her alone ) as she looks on with an apathetic sort of misery. she gets up and totes around a tommy gun which she then shows off to the portrait of atlas in her ( still his ) office ; giving him a rather generous debriefing that leaves out some integral details, like viktor being shot, before harping more on mordecai and how she needs to deal with him so things won’t get worse. the only mention of wick here is her telling atlas that it ‘wasn’t a total loss,’ though her rather kicked expression, as well as how quickly she brushes past the details of that, implies she isn’t satisfied with the state of things. i also find it interesting how little she admits to the deterioration of things here, before the portrait of her dead husband, because while this can be seen as tracy not wanting to recount all the events we’ve just seen, i think there’s a level of avoidance here too. mitzi isn’t keen on vocally admitting to how bad things are, how much was lost last night -- perhaps due to the fact she’ll be forced to confront the actual helplessness of her situation, and realize that things aren’t exactly fixable as it stands. there’s actually very few instances where she willingly shares her feelings or talks about the state of the lackadaisy to anyone, and the few times she actually does so, it’s either a.) a weapon to utilize against someone else, like some kind of guilt trip, or b.) it bursts out of her like a dam. she is extremely private and reserved where it concerns her emotions, always wishing to appear competent and above things, and in my opinion, it’s something worth noting. after this, she decides to call the maribel hotel and confront asa about his and mordecai’s involvement in last night’s tragedy.

the phone call itself plays out, in the most simplistic of terms, with mitzi’s desire to discuss things being disregarded as asa avoids her through various means. he questions why she’s bothering with such low quality hooch, and upon mitzi trying to bring the conversation back to the original topic ( aka why asa would do this ), he then pries about the lackadaisy’s desolate state before telling her to quit before things worsen. mitzi expresses confusion, but once again isn’t able to form an entire sentence due to asa abruptly ending the call after deciding for her that they’ll just discuss this over lunch. all in all, it’s an extremely rude and frustrating exchange. and sadly this won’t be the only time today where mitzi tries to talk to someone about a rather pressing topic, one very important to her and the wellbeing of her establishment, only to be dismissed at almost every turn until the very end of things.

in the next page, mitzi is depicted silently stewing in a chair much too big for her, glaring daggers at nothing in particular, more than angry at her failure of a phone call. she is unresponsive to rocky’s rambling, including the potential hiring of freckle, and only rouses herself out of her irritation when realizing she can bring the two boys along in some sort of display of power. it’s a rather weak and grasping attempt at maintaining some level of control, especially when she outright tells asa why rocky and freckle are there : “you see, my circumstance isn’t quite as hopeless as you -- ” it’s a very obvious posturing, a weak show with nothing really backing it. neither asa or mordecai are impressed or swayed by this at all, with mordecai even calling out that rocky is some band member rather than some gun for hire. his insults rub salt into mitzi’s wounds ( which is why she believes asa brought mordecai at all ) and only then does she discuss viktor’s awful state, a hasty guilt trip that quickly loses its shine the longer she drags it along. while i may view mitzi through a more sympathetic lens than most and hardly believe her major flaw to be manipulation, she is still capable of it and will stoop so low when it may benefit her, or perhaps whenever it makes her feel a bit better. and this brief interaction with mordecai is one such case.

the overall contents of the lunch and the car scene thereafter proves rather irrelevant to my topic, so instead of summarizing how it goes ( poorly, it goes poorly! ) i’ll be talking about certain events that will matter later, or will help us understand where mitzi is at mentally by the time she actually meets wick for their planned visit. the major components being how asa treats mitzi during this impromptu meeting and the state mordecai leaves her in after they discuss atlas.

to touch upon asa’s treatment of mitzi, even from as early as the phone call we see that mitzi is forced to have a conversation with asa on his terms rather than her own terms. mitzi sets out with a clear goal in mind -- learning why asa sweet would attack the lackadaisy in the way that he did -- and she's repeatedly talked over and threatened, with her questions remaining unanswered. it’s very clear very quickly that asa doesn’t respect mitzi nor view her as someone worthy of his time like atlas was, and almost appears to approach her in a misogynistic manner. he demeans something as simple as her ukulele as a ‘teeny little guitar’ and acts as though mitzi’s tears would be bothersome to him, some sort of burden he’d be forced to deal with rather than a valid emotional response to threats, degradation, and the likes. while asa is by no means wrong with some of his observations, he’s certainly rude and uncaring with how he goes about it. when he tells mitzi that he’s here to suggest that she step down, because he so generously has her interests in mind, she doesn’t buy it ; once again bringing up last nights events, where asa willingly armed the pig farmers with the lackadaisy’s arsenal and sent them over her way without so much as a warning. asa dismisses this coldly, once again dodging any fault and claiming it was ‘happenstance’ and entirely mitzi’s own doing. even now, when he’s actively threatening her and making it clear they won’t stay friendly if she keeps trying to make it in this business, he still won’t fully admit to any sort of responsibility for the disastrous night he helped put her through. while this seems rather typical of asa given his disrespectful streak ( something even mordecai, as valued and as useful as he is, suffers because of ) it’s worth noting that this side of him is new to mitzi and not one she was at all expecting. she even says as much here, in heartstrings :

we also know that mitzi only met atlas due to her performing at the marigold speakeasy first, and it’s likely asa was rather present in her life due to his bond with her now husband. asa even admits that mitzi may be confused because they’ve ’managed a friendly coexistence for so long,’ once again hammering home this idea that up until this point, asa was indeed kind to mitzi, or at the very least cordial. but with atlas out of the picture and mitzi trying to take his position, suddenly asa is more than okay with getting her killed or taking all she has left -- even his plan is nothing short of apathetic and cold, an afterthought, expecting her to give up something important to her and only offering a one time offer to play at the marigold room ‘sometime’ with that ‘old band of hers.’ i’ve actually seen some people claim this was a valid out for mitzi to take, which i can’t disagree more with, since a.) her band days are not something mitzi is interested in anymore and b.) she’s sold basically everything to keep the lackadaisy afloat, meaning she’d be more than poor if she gave that up. playing once or maybe twice at the marigold room wouldn’t save her financially! it wouldn’t do anything for her at all, besides giving mitzi some sort of last hurrah in her mata hari dress, something that doesn’t even fit her anymore. while it’s clear to anyone that she needs to let go of the past in order to be happy, accepting this poor excuse of a deal from asa is just her trading one past in for another one. this is also why zib’s out, while certainly better, isn’t something good for mitzi either. but that’s another post on its own, so i’ll leave it alone for the time being. what’s important here is that mitzi is ruthlessly betrayed by a man who used to like her and is treated as a lesser thing due to his view that she’s too incompetent to run a rumrunning business. he also brings up atlas to, in mitzi’s eyes, ‘intimidate ( her ) into agreeing with him,’ and towards the end of the lunch, she looks particularly kicked and undoubtedly hurt. she leaves this meeting that could’ve stayed a phone call with a potential enemy made and with the world on her shoulders, now more determined than ever to be someone people like asa would be forced to respect. instead of being dissuaded, she’s been encouraged, and it’s not hard to realize why.

her scene with mordecai leaves her in a similar predicament after their very brief truce is broken, with him perpetuating asa’s threats as well as saying, “as though you could bring the remains of atlas’ estate to anything but further disgrace,” before promptly leaving. these words, plus the subject matter and who said them, leaves mitzi staring out the car window and actually brings her to literal tears. her eyes are suddenly watery, and when rocky tries to make her feel better, we see one paw hastily wipe at one eye in particular -- already having spilled a tear or two by the time her hires have made their way back into the car. i cannot stress enough that throughout the entirety of this brief arc, mitzi has been constantly ridiculed and told she is not good enough at this job to be doing it, on top of the extremely sensitive subject of her husband being brought up twice over, which only served as one more jab to be made at mitzi’s expense. she desperately wanted the lackadaisy to work before, some sort of memento to atlas that she could keep going, and being told to let go of it in such a harsh way isn’t going to have the intended outcome. most people become vindictive and determined when told something is ‘impossible’ or that they won’t ever be able to accomplish what they want because they’re too incompetent to do it, they see this as a challenge, they get angry, and they start fighting harder for the goal in question. it’s rather human : to be fueled by wounded pride and to want so badly to prove others wrong, to taste the victory of accomplishing something deemed impossible, to warrant the respect of your peers … mitzi is all that and then some, since she’s gripped by an obsessive grief that refuses to let her go.

she wants to do this for atlas, she needs to do it for atlas, and there is no life or goal outside of the one in front of her. again, as mentioned paragraphs before, she’s made it clear she’d rather die than see the lackadaisy wither away into nothing. asa’s and mordecai’s threats, their insults, were never going to do anything except push mitzi further down the path she’s already on. and with the added bonus of mitzi now being in an extremely fragile emotional state ( one she hasn’t had a single break from since last night ), this then causes her decision making skills to be finicky ; more likely to make rash calls and to act desperately, rather than thinking clearly and with her head. mitzi does her best to sweep her fraying mental state under the rug for the sake of business, with the comic page haggersnash providing the visual of her reapplying her makeup near the traitorous eye and she even goes as far as to change her clothes, though there’s no denying the perpetual state of misery clinging to her character moving forward. and like we’ll see in wick later, mitzi probably also didn’t get much sleep last night herself. that paired with the nonstop events that refuse to work in her favor, and the occasional mental breakdown, is more than enough to reiterate for a final time that she is not well, despite how good she is at appearing so.

shutting the door on mitzi and her no good very bad day, we then shift back into wick in the second and final part of this essay.

[darkstarofchaos]

Thank you for fighting the good fight for Prowl. I just joined the fandom this year, and honestly, I love him so much, and you’ve already put into words exactly how I feel about him. Also, thank you for validating my hatred for Megatron. Between TF One and IDW, I’ve gone from meh to straight-up loathing his entire existence. Like, why is his redemption arc so wacky? It genuinely felt like he got off scot-free so easily, with no one holding any real bad blood against him unlike Prowl. Everyone was just like, “uwu poor Megatron” or whatever, and it drove me insane. It felt like IDW was written just to create more Megatron simps. I don’t even care if I’m wrong about his redemption or IDW as a whole—if the fandom can misinterpret Prowl to death, then I can yap about how much I hate Megatron’s redemption arc and whole existence, lmao. I’ll never get over how a literal genocidal warlord somehow got more support and sympathy points than Prowl. Please, give me a Megatron redemption where he actually has to work for it—not one handed to him on a silver platter by an idiotic fool. it feels so undeserved. I want MEGATRON to be punched by many of his victims. Even Starscream, his number one punching bag lived a miserable life in Cybertron. I’ll never agree that IDW was a masterpiece. I hate that shit so much, lol. Anyway, where was I? Oh, right—just wanted to say how much I love reading your posts about Prowl. Keep doing what you’re doing. :)

You're very welcome! Prowl is easily my favorite Autobot, and the way he's treated by both the fandom and the IDW narrative makes me want to bite people. Especially when compared to other characters who are just as bad if not worse (I saw a post when Prowl was confirmed for EarthSpark that said not making him a cop would be bad because it would be ignoring his history of police brutality, and I was just like. Prowl and Orion worked together as cops for a while, guess which one of them repeatedly yelled at the other for using violence. Not that Prowl's record is completely clean, but the hero cop who advocates for violence is a way bigger problem than the social outcast who looked at the system and saw corruption).

Anyway.

I must admit that I actually like Megatron in general, but I really hate this recent trend of Megatron being the only Decepticon canon cares about. TF One could have given us two Bots and two Cons, but not a single other Decepticon got more than maybe five minutes of screentime. EarthSpark made him the only Decepticon who changed sides, then doubled down on the worst elements of his "redemption" by making him the only Decepticon who's allowed to be sympathetic. Every crossover I've seen between Transformers and various video games only includes Megatron as the Decepticon representation.

(Also, unpopular opinion, but I feel like Megatron having a history with Optimus is the weakest part of his character in almost every continuity. Especially in IDW, where it's literally a Get Out of Jail Free card).

And of course, as soon as Prowl shows up in EarthSpark, people are complaining about him getting on Megatron's case. Even though he was actually really open-minded about Megatron's presence, and just accepted that he'd truly changed sides even if he didn't personally trust him. I was over here expecting an entire episode based around Prowl fighting with others about Megatron's trustworthiness, and people had a problem with a couple openly antagonistic comments.

Primus forbid a mech do anything, I guess.

[imagionationstation]

So here’s what went down…

Ah, yes.

The infamous “Splinter passes on the mantle of Sensei” scene.

Possibly the most misinterpreted scene in the history of 2012turtle scenes. (Perhaps I shall get to the others someday.)

I’ve always assumed that the verdict for this scene was the same for all, and I never knew people hated, or even disliked, Splinter for his choices in this until recently. And it has been eating away at me, because I don’t think ya’ll understand what’s going on here.

Maybe you do, but…

Can I point out exactly what I saw happen here?

Yeah?

Thanks. 🤎

1: Splinter is not sleeping and is ‘distant’, making Leo worried enough to inquire about his health. He’s clearly spending every second agonizing over what’s coming, and meditation is probably his only solace from the burden of his fears. (I do the same thing when I’m anxious. Distract and distance, it helps me feel a sense of- control, I guess.) 2: Splinter does not address Leo’s question. He’s already tried to tell Leo what was going on before this, and now he wants to focus on what he feels is important. His family. He immediately changes the subject (limping in a way that has me suddenly concerned because GUYS HE HURT AND OLD AND GOING TO FIGHT FOR HIS LIFE PLEASE NO-) and asks Leo why he made him leader. 3: Leo awkwardly repeats what he said, “Because I asked to be… You said it wasn’t because of my skills…” (THAT’S ONE INTENSE OF A WEIGHT TO CARRY IF YOU REALLY THINK ABOUT IT, THE HECK-) and Splinter corrects, “I said that only to temper your ego at the time. I knew even when you were a small boy, that you would one day grow up to be the leader of this team.” -Can I just add that he’s not saying this literally. He’s the cryptic, wise, know-it-all sensei. He’s not saying, “I planned to make you soldiers and for you to lead the fight”. He’s saying, “You have always been the one to teach, protect, and lead your brothers, and there was absolutely no one else as perfect for the job.”

Seriously. Lookit baby Leo guarding them while daddy’s away. 💙💙

4: And then he throws everyone watching through a loop: “And when I pass on, to be like a father as well.” And just like us, Leo’s got a whole lot of “EXCUSE ME, WHAT?!” going down.

5: But Splinter’s going stay his cryptic self by clearing no air. (Okay, but let’s think about WHY for a moment. We know our leader in blue by now. If Leo knew exactly what he knew, martyr instincts would kick in hard core, and he would do everything it takes to make sure their father survives. And Master Splinter isn’t going to sit here and let Leo go on a suicide quest. From his POV- He’s old. He’s lived his life. He can try to accept his own death. He will not accept Leo’s.)

6: Splinter imparts this saying that I love with everything in me. “Leonardo. If I can only impart one piece of wisdom that will remain with you forever…” (Ergo, Dude, this is Important. Pay attention to what Imma about to say) “Remember. Giving guidance to your brothers and friends does not come from here…”

“It comes from here…”

THIS IS DEEP, YO. IT SAYS SO MUCH AND IT’S SO SIMPLE-

And people are MAD AT HIM FOR THIS?!

Sorry, sorry- emotions. I’m breathing. I’m breeaaathing… Okay. Yes, I get the gist of the arguments. ‘Splinter made Leo head of the household and that was a terrible thing for him to do. Leo’s too young for that responsibility, he already has the weight of being leader on his shoulders, and that’s a burden his mourning heart can’t carry. It’s cruel for him to do such a thing.’

Or-

And-

@tmntforeverinmyheart and @stardustartist, everyone’s opinion is built off of observations, beliefs, and their own POV on events, and every opinion matters. Thank you for yours. 💚

Now onto mine-

I don’t know what this quote from Splinter means to you guys, but to me, it’s his way of trying to fix things!

I think he finally realized that he done messed up. He knows that he put Leo in a position of ‘I am leader, and mission always comes first’. He’s had plenty of time to see the damage he’s done, and he’s worried of what will come off his family if he doesn’t fix it.

Leo is too far into his head. He isn’t thinking with his heart- “what will happen to my family with me gone?”. He’s thinking with his head, “lives are at stake and I’m the leader- self sacrifice it is.”

Every mission, every step, every choice is a plan, and his life is simply a factor in it. A pawn to be thrown away to complete the important task. It doesn’t hold meaning because of what Splinter told him all the way back in season one, and his father is finally realizing it. (ABOUT FREAKING TIME-)

He’s not telling him “don’t think”.

He’s saying, “Think another way.”

I feel you, @sr200916. A friend of mine said this exact same thing, and I wholeheartedly agree. And here’s some depth into why.

Kids without parents attach themselves to role models. Mother figures, father figures- kids need to be guided, and led, and hugged, and need that one person who can say “it’s okay” and magically the world is a little less dark.

And they’re just. KIDS. They left the sewers three/four years ago! Everything is still so wide and new and confusing and there’s still so much they haven’t learned or experienced- they’re kids.

And yes. Leo is a kid too. But who else are they supposed to turn to?

Karai?

She’s not a parents. She’s gone from enemy, to somewhat friend, to sister-in-college-who-drops-by-sometimes. She’s living her own life. They aren’t going to see her as anything more than their equal. Much less look upon her as a guardian.

April and Casey?

Best friends/honorary siblings. They aren’t going to fit that role.

Mutanimals? Leatherhead? Bishop?

Friends. Equals. People that they trust. But not anyone that they’re immediately going to lean on as a guardian. They need someone who they already look up to and trust to lead and guide them. They need someone who already has their well-being as a number one priority. They need someone who they can feel comfortable going to talk to when he can’t be there to lend advice.

-And I know what some of you are still thinking. But what about Leo?! He’s just a kid too!

And, hey, I’m not arguing. He absolutely is, and in a perfect, fair world, he would continue to have an adult to teach and guide him- but their world is neither perfect nor fair.

All his life, he’s had two solid goals: Make sensei proud. Protect my brothers.

He’s seen as the most mature brother for a reason. He’s had to grow up in a world where finishing school and getting/keeping a job isn’t his main concern. For about three years, he’s spent every night making sure that his brothers stay alive. In fact, he starts doing it almost unconsciously- taking responsibility of his brothers and their missions without filling Splinter in, as shown in Annihilation: Earth! Part 1, when he’s laying out the plans, and Splinter straight up asks, “What is going on?” and Leo brushes him off, essentially just telling him that there’s trouble, but they have it covered.

Splinter is speechless for a moment, but then consents, telling Leo that he’ll be near the cheese phone if they need him.

This is a huge change if you really think about it, and done very subtley. They show us how their relationship has changed- Splinter no longer has the control to give the okay. Leo no longer feels like he needs Splinter guidance or permission. He’s grown up, and he’s leading with a firm hand, just as he was born to do.

And Leo also has experience raising his brothers- who do you think was acting sensei while they were in space?

Fugtoid was Donnie’s mentor, sure, but it was Leo who the brothers turned to when things got out of hand. It was Leo who had to talk sense into them, who always has the last word, who seemed on edge 24/7 as the season progressed, seeing the dangers space held and sending away his team when the evil space station was sent to go boom.

Whether fans like it or not, a leader, a sensei, is simply who Leo is.

There’s a reason he always gets heated and offended when he thinks his place is being challenged-

Leo thrives under that sense of control, and his brother thrive knowing that the control lies in someone else’s hands.

Now, with their father gone, it’ll lie in the hands of the brother that they trust with it most (whether Raph admits it or not) because he’s proven himself time and time again to be able to handle it.

Splinter isn’t stupid. He knows his boys. He knows exactly who Leo’s younger brothers are going to turn to after he’s gone for good this time, and he needs Leo to realize this too. Perhaps he hopes the burden will be easier to bear if it’s given slowly, instead of chucked out of nowhere.

Splinter was not purposefully ‘parentifying’ Leo. There’s a reason he waited so long. Maybe he was never going to say anything at all. Maybe he was struggling with the choice, and when Leo walked in to ask if he was okay, he made a last-minute decision.

Splinter knew it was going to happen. Leo was going to become head of the household, whether or not he said anything about it. It’s how their family dynamic always shapes out- there’s a reason the fans call Leo a mother hen!

It was always going to happen. So instead of standing by and letting fate play out, Splinter decided to interviene.

He wasn’t putting the burden on Leo’s shoulder. He was reassuring his son that he could handle it. He was giving advice on how to take care of his brothers. He was trying to help, not to hurt.

Obviously Leo is going to end up hurting. Obviously, it’s going to be hard. Obviously, it’s going to be a lot to adapt too. For Splinter’s sake- their father is going to die!

But his brothers will be there for him. He may be acting sensei, but we’re shown that they have his back. (Raph’s talk with Mikey on the rooftop is a very prominent piece of proof.)

Splinter knows that no one else can do the job better, and by voicing that he’s sensei, no one else should be able to take Leo’s family away from him. At the end of the day, as the eldest, he will be the one who bears the Hamato legacy (remember, Karai is busy shaping the Foot legacy anew), but unlike Yoshi, Leo will not be alone. He’ll have family and friends to back him up when things get difficult.

It’s a heavy title, but one that Leo is ready to carry.

Except… For one pretty major flaw. A flaw Splinter encouraged, and a flaw that he knows cannot stay.

The martyr complex.

That, is what I believe the “use your heart and not your head” phrase is meant to squash. And I believe with everything in me that it does. Leo’s life is no longer just a chess game. If this pawn doesn’t come home from a mission, his team suffers. His brothers suffer.

He is no pawn, and he can’t afford to see himself as one. He cannot afford to treat his life like it’s expendable. There’s more at stake then just the mission, and deep down in his heart, he knows that. He’s no longer just a leader. He is a father, and he has a family to live for.

And… Can I just add that Splinter’s not just up and abandoning him?

When Leo doesn’t know what to do next after his father is gone- Splinter is there. When it looks like he’s been defeated by the Shredder- Splinter is there. When they face their first real threat since his passing, and Leo is in the dojo struggling with what to do- Splinter is there.

“Leonardo, I know you feel the weight of leading your family, but remember, I am always with you.”

I mean- come on! Even in the afterlife, he’s looking over him!

He knows the burden on his son’s shoulders, and he’s come to help and warn to relieve it, if only a little.

Should he also have appeared to his others sons? ABSOLUTELY!

Could he…?

Well…

Don’t get me wrong- They’d have every right to be upset if they find out that Splinter appeared to Leo and not to them. But I’m sure there was a good reason- Leo mentions “meditating for weeks” after his father’s death at one point, so his spiritual strength, place in front of the altar, and need to speak to his father could have urged down “Mr. Higher Spiritual Plane”.

That’s why Donnie couldn’t see him when he walked in. This wasn’t a ghost doing his own thing, this was a spirit summoned down by Leo. When Donnie startled him, Leo lost concentration, and Splinter disappeared.

But, it’s still going to hurt, knowing he appeared to Leo and not them…

And should he have told his other sons that he was going to die?

….No. Just, no.

For one: He only hinted at the fact with Leo because he felt it was necessary to pass on certain information, to help him prepare for what’s coming. He didn’t give him specifics, no matter how much he begged.

If he told any of the brothers- Donnie would not rest until he pressed him for every ounce of information, Mikey would not have been able to handle the thought of something happening to Splinter, and Raph probably would have died that night on the rooftop trying to stop the prediction from becoming reality.

All of them would have wanted to stay with him after the warehouse fire, and I believe Splinter separated them for a reason.

As the youngest brothers, Donnie and Mikey needed to be shielded from memories that their analytical and photographic minds would not have been able to handle. It would have broken them to see their father die.

Leonardo would spent the rest of his days hating himself for being there and not preventing it. He’d drown in the guilt and fear- because if he couldn’t doing anything, how can he be certain that he’ll be able to keep his brothers safe? How can he be trusted with their lives when he couldn’t even save their father?

This way- Leo knows he’s been sent away, and he knows Splinter’s the reason that he couldn’t protect him. The blame isn’t as strong because he wasn’t there, and that was Splinter’s fault. It’s easier to manage when there’s another to pass on the blame.

Splinter didn’t let him protect him, and by doing so, protected Leo.

Now, Splinter’s sons would have put up a fuss or gotten suspicious if one of them didn’t go with him, so he made an educated choice.

Raphael is the strongest of the brothers. Out of all of them, he’s the most likely to mentally and physically survive the battle. He doesn’t let guilt swallow him like Leo does- he turns it into anger, and uses that anger to defend his family better next time. Out of all of them, Splinter hoped that Raph would be able to handle the memories, and the show basically tells us that he does- his maturity to accepting Leo as sensei was both shocking and relieving.

Now, I’m not saying every choice made here was inherently a good one. There’s a lot of choices made in Splinter’s life that are questionable- but every choice he makes is only in his sons’s best interest. At one point, Splinter was going to run the last of his clan. He was raised to prepare for war. His sensei could have groomed him with a leader mentality, and the notion to never put his life over the sake of his clan’s, since he was supposed to lead them one day.

He’s a single dad living in the sewers who doesn’t understand the internet and fears human contact- the only way he knows to raise his children are based off experiences with his own family, and his culture. Making Leo a martyr was a mistake, and he sees that now.

So to summarize:

No one was being made a parent. Leo is a verified mother hen, and he will lead. Period. It was always going to happen, and Splinter was trying to help lead the way. He probably would have given a lot more advice had his other children not interrupted.

Yes, he made a huge mistake years ago, but now he’s trying to fix that with a simply offering of advice. Follow your heart, not your mind, because at the end of the day, the heart will always lead you and your brothers home.

No, the entire family should not have known. They would have done everything in their power to stop what could not be prevented, and that could have gotten them killed. Splinter would never allow that. Their time was not up. They would not needlessly suffer because of him. Not his boys.

Just a side note: Taking care of his brothers might not be the worst thing for our mourning boy. Not only does it give him something to focus on, but, as an older sibling, I know it sometimes brings me comfort to comfort a young sibling. Maybe it’s some buried instinct in my being to keep them happy and healthy taking over, maybe it’s because I have a tiny bit of control in the moment, or maybe it’s a feeling of accomplishment that helps battle against the aching hurt eating away at me- but it helps. It really does.

It’s not like their infants, or little kids. His brother’s can fend for themselves, and they understand their place in the world much better than they did years ago. They can protect each other.

In reality, the only thing that will change is the hovering knowledge that someone is missing.

Holy chalupa, I just wrote an essay…

Back to the episode!

The rest of this isn’t too deep. So have some reactions:

“I don’t understand… You’re fine, father-”

🎶I can see what’s happenin’ here🎶

HE CALLED HIM DADDY IN A DOJO SETTING AFTER ASSURING HIM THAT HE WAS WELL!

POOR BABY BLUE KNOWS BUT IS STUCK IN DENIAL- 😭❤️‍🩹

“Is there something you’re not telling me?”

Leo, he is trying to tell you! And he could have! If not for literally MILLISECONDS after he asks, Mikey interrupting. Splinter might have clarified! He might have said more! Hinted how he knows! Said he was so proud! Given advice! Cleared the air! THE POSSIBILITIES ARE ENDLESS-

Ah, these poor naive boys and their bad timing….

Okay, but like, how am I supposed to be annoyed at these faces. AND WHY IS RAPH OH-SO JOYOUSLY COPYING MIKEY- AND DONNIE WHAT IS THAT DEAD-EYED STARE- 🤣🤣🤣

YA’LL ARE MESSING UP MY EMOTIONS IN THIS FREAKING SCENE, YO

I’M TRYING TO BE SERIOUS IN THE MOMENT

BUT EVERY TIME THEY POP UP- 🤣

Okay, but is Splinter immediately taking the invitation to spend time with his sons because he knows that he doesn’t have much longer not the most wholesome thing ever?

He can’t continue this talk with the brothers present, and they’re clearly excited to go, so why not attend and make a few more bright memories before he’s gone?

Also, I deem it illegal for rock music to be this ominous-

I blame Leo for looking despondently after them and triggering bad things are about to happen emotions. Poor blue boi.

Anyway

Splinter is not a bad father. He is imperfect, but every choice he makes is for his sons’ good. They are his world. Their lives will come before his every time, even if that means giving heartbreaking advice before he has to be taken from them. He only wants what’s best for his family.

They are his sons. He is their papa.

And that’s all there is too it. 💚❤️💜💙🧡💚

I freaking love this show…

Thanks for reading!! I did my best to double-check everything that I wasn’t sure about, so that I could be as accurate as possible! Even if I didn’t change stubborn minds, I hope I gave you guys some things to think about!

Every opinion matters! Thanks for checking out mine!

[bunnis-monsters]

Discord Drama below the cut. This is kind of me just making it clear that I want to be left alone.

Y’all understand y’all can leave my discord without making a statement that shows you have no idea what you’re talking about?

People can solve their OWN issues out in DMs, but when they’ve made people uncomfortable more than once, that becomes another issue. That’s when people get banned.

I do not want to talk about this anymore, I’ve blocked everyone that could be involved besides the ones I can’t find in intros.

Not going to mention who I’m talking about because it really doesn’t matter. The individuals don’t matter, I don’t think they’re bad people but they were banned because I GOT SEVERAL COMPLAINTS! Some from my own mods who didn’t feel comfortable after a certain incident occurred.

Here’s me talking about this to one of the people. I even SPECIFICALLY said that their partner/friend was not welcome back. The person DID come back and I banned both of them afterwards.

Sharing these screenshots to show I explicitly told them why the other person was banned and that they WEREN’T welcome back regardless.

Yeah they can apologize to each other and that’s good, but that doesn’t erase the discomfort they caused by doing that shit IN MY SERVER!

I hope everyone involved does well but leaves me alone. Before I got that message in vent I didn’t mind y’all still following or messaging me, but now I’m uncomfortable. Please, leave me alone. I do not want anything to do with any of you. I don’t hate you, but I’m also deeply uncomfortable with this situation.

The 10th rule btw

Anyways anons are off because this part of the vent message feels vaguely threatening. Idk if that’s intentional but it genuinely freaks me out(this message is cropped to remove any names, they basically just talk about the situation.)

But yeah I’ll be taking the server link down for a while. If you didn’t mean anything threatening then sorry but getting this message at 3 am is quite scary considering the harassment I’ve faced before for banning people. I just want to be left alone. I don’t deserve to feel afraid for banning people from a discord server.

Please think before you send messages like this, and leave me alone. I do not like having to make posts like these because I don’t hate any of you! I genuinely would have just moved on with my life if you wouldn’t have sent this message! You could have left the server without making me feel afraid, intentionally or not.

I’m also not here to go “WAHHH they’re threatening little ole me!”. I’m just pointing out that message was unnecessary and can be easily misinterpreted as threatening, and because you decided to send that message I have to lock down my discord as a precaution. I would rather be safe than sorry, and I would prefer to think that people in my community would not try to hurt me because I banned them, but it’s already happened before. 🤷‍♀️

I understand not always agreeing with the way I handle things, but I do it for my own safety and peace of mind. You don’t have to like it, but in a world where I receive nasty asks, comments, threatening dms, and all kinds of harassment just for existing, this keeps me safe.

With all that said, I genuinely wish y’all the best. Just because you were banned from my discord doesn’t mean I hate your guts. It’s a discord server, with rules and people that sometimes don’t get along with each other. It happens.

Sometimes we find each other annoying or get uncomfortable with the way that others act and that’s fine, because people are different. Each server, community, etc is different and have different rules, jokes, and ways of talking that sometimes go over other’s heads.

But finding someone annoying or not meshing with them doesn’t mean you dislike them as a person. Just because you break some rules in a server and get banned doesn’t mean I all of a sudden hate you. It just means you got banned.

What makes it bad is when you keep coming back and bringing it up after I already expressed that I was uncomfortable. That’s what makes me not want to continue interacting with you and what leads to me blocking people.

I don’t want to interact with any of you any further, leave me be. I’ll take any further interaction as harassment.

You don’t need to apologize, I am not angry, I am just tired. I have expressed a boundary and we are all adults. Leave me be and I’ll leave you be.

I’m going back to sleep. I’m sick, cramping, and exhausted. Send me some nice asks if you’d like, I’d appreciate it

[roseypwark]

Three | Honorific

//

Yuna knew this day would come. She just didn’t expect it so soon. She should have prepared more, should have thought up a better defense for herself when forced to face the terrible reality of the situation she has found herself in.

“Jiyu, you can speak casually. There’s no need to be so formal. We’re band mates, now.”

Heeseung has a certain level of confidence as the oldest member, the most senior trainee. He has something of a role to play. There are things the members rely on him for.

But not Yuna. Ji Yuna doesn’t rely on anyone for anything. She’ll accept help when it’s offered but to actually rely on someone else is a distant concept that didn’t end very well the last time.

(The last person Yuna truly relied on lives in America now with her do-over family, a white husband and three Wasian kids who don’t speak the same language as their older sister.)

She knows she’s supposed to rely on others, not just as a human but as a fifteen-year-old girl. But she just can’t. She doesn’t know these people. She doesn’t trust them. She can’t rely on them.

She also doesn’t want to call them “oppa.” That is a claim to a relationship she does not yet have with any of them. So, she just hums, noncommittal.

Heeseung persists. “Niki calls us hyung. You can be casual, too. It’s fine. Really.”

Oh, he thinks she’s hesitating because of societal expectation for how she should treat her elders. The reality is much worse: she is incredibly awkward and hopelessly alone and doesn’t know how to trust others.

“Oh. Okay,” she mumbles, still committing to nothing.

“Hyung, don’t push,” Sunghoon speaks up.

Yuna doesn’t even know where he came from but she’s grateful he’s here now. Of all the members, she thinks she likes Sunghoon the most because he doesn’t try to make her do things, like play video games or do TikTok dances.

Jay wanders into the kitchen. “Yeah, if Jiyu hates us, we have to live with that.”

“That is not what I meant.”

“Jiyu doesn’t hate us,” Heeseung says. “Does she—do you?”

“No.”

“Why won’t you call us ‘oppa?’”

Yuna feels cornered. She just wants to eat her dinner.

“I dunno,” she mutters to her salad.

Heeseung looks ready to keep beating this horse until Yuna has to give in. She wishes he would just drop it.

“Heeseung, quit,” Sunghoon says, defending her again.

It’s quiet for a while. Yuna is anticipating another pushback from Heeseung about her choice of honorific for the older boys, which has been -ssi until this point (except in front of the cameras per the production team’s request). Formal, but at least she didn’t resort to -nim like she did with Hyowon for months.

When she risks a peek through her hair, Heeseung has gone back to his food. He looks a little sheepish, maybe regretful even? Whatever it is, he’s stopped bothering her so she’s okay with it.

She can eat the rest of her food in peace.

Heeseung finishes before her. Sunghoon takes his place. Jay goes off after Heeseung.

“You don’t have to call us oppa if you don’t want to,” Sunghoon says, unprompted after a bit of eating in silence. “But you can if you want.”

“I think…”

Sunghoon waits.

Yuna has trouble putting her thoughts into words sometimes. A lot of the time.

It’s why she likes music. Emotion can come from something universal and the meaning is up for interpretation. Even the words—lyrics—aren’t strictly defined to what they are at the surface or even to what the writer meant but rather what the listener feels and that’s fine.

Art can be misinterpreted and still be art. Life is more difficult. Misinterpreted intentions can spell terrible consequences.

“I do want to,” she admits. “I just feel awkward. I don’t want it to be a big deal, the switch from formal to informal.”

“It won’t be a big deal.”

“Maybe not with you. But you understand me.”

Yuna ducks her head as Sunghoon smiles despite himself. But he doesn’t make a big deal of it. Because he understands her.

“How about starting with just me? If you’re comfortable.”

“I’m beginning to think life is just eternally uncomfortable.”

Sunghoon laughs.

Yuna hadn’t been trying to make a joke but she’s realized lately that her unfiltered bluntness is a big piece of what fans seem to enjoy about her.

Growing up, she was told she was being rude. She had always assumed her interpretations of the world around her were wrong. She was just asking questions but her mom would say it was rude.

“Just do it whenever you feel like it,” Sunghoon says. “I’m sure the others will like the change and won’t turn it into a spectacle.”

She gives him a blank look.

“I’ll make sure of it, okay?”

“You don’t have to do that.”

“I’ll deal with the guys. You do what you’re comfortable with. Alright?”

She’ll have to rely on Sunghoon to do this for her.

“Alright.”

It’s been a while since she’s trusted someone. This is a relatively low-risk scenario. If Sunghoon doesn’t hold up his promise, the worst that will happen is some mild to extreme social awkwardness. So, nothing much out of the ordinary.

She’ll have to bite the bullet eventually, anyway. Both for her own and her members’ sakes. And for appearances, so she doesn’t keep slipping up while filming and using formal honorifics.

Wouldn’t want the fans to get the wrong idea about the only female member being uncomfortable with her band mates. So says the production team.

//

<< PREV // NEXT >>

Tag List: @pjselee @sumzysworld

[mellowluka]

I’ve been having some Thoughts™️ on the F1 related situations on social media and whatever lately, and I wanted to put them to paper and post for people to read if they wish. Warning, it kinda jumps around, but I have ADHD so I apologize in advance.

More assorted words below the cut.

[Disclaimer, this is not about the people who write RPF, this is about people hating on and discussing the real people, not fictional versions of them.]

Everyone is on their first year of life, which means mistakes are going to get made. [I’m not going to go into how I feel about the decisions McLaren’s been making, since that’s not the point here, nor is it relevant.]

Some of y’all are acting like you can go in there and do something different without seeing or knowing the whole picture. You haven’t sat in on a team meeting or anything like that, sit down.

Questioning people’s morals is also a really low blow, because we don’t see that much. You’re not their family or their friends, and what we see during a weekend on the track can be easily misinterpreted. It’s not always going to be true to life, especially with the high adrenaline.

While you can speculate all you want [you have free speech, after all], remember that these are real people you’re talking about, and not goddamn barbie dolls. Having free speech doesn’t give you a free pass to be a dick to people and situations you don’t truly know anything about.

As for Lando and Oscar, they’re full grown adults, and they’re completely within their rights to either be friends or not be friends. Either way, that is their choice. If they want to make being friends work while also being competitive? They’ll find a way, just like everyone else has done since the beginning of time.

They’re also completely capable of defending their own careers and decisions. In the end, they’re answering to their team and their team alone, not you. If you don’t like that, too damn bad, I’m sorry they have free will and that that offends you. [/sarcasm]

Yes, everything McLaren posts is going to inherently be positive PR. So is everything every other sports team or business posts, even outside the scope of F1. Get used to it, it’s not going to change. This also means that media in general will take opinions, snapshots, and just about everything else, out of context. Media literacy is a thing a lot of people have lost, and it shows.

To conclude, none of us as fans will ever get the full picture about things, and we’re just gonna have to deal with it. But knowing that you don’t have the full picture is the deal here. You can’t say you know it all when you don’t. Don’t claim you do, because believe me, we truly have no goddamn idea. Hating will get you nowhere, and it won’t change anything that’s actually happening in the real world.

Go touch some grass, disconnect, and chill out. The world isn’t ending.

[P.S. Thank you for coming to my TedTalk <3]

[corpse-water]

okay so i’ve had some time to discuss jade shadows with buddies and digest the full story.

tw for talks about misogyny and pregnancy

okay so this update was bad. i’m not gonna really like. sugarcoat this at all. it was bad. it’s bad from a writing perspective, it’s bad for future story elements in the game, it makes the stalker look like a stupid asshole. for an update that was selling itself as a lore-heavy piece, it kind of told us a lot of nothing and then just said a lot of other shit.

jade shadows is not an issue because of its themes of motherhood. it’s not an issue because there is a pregnant woman there. it’s not an issue because stalker is a dad. it’s not an issue because it’s a straight love story. and i’m saying all these things upfront because i feel like people are misinterpreting the issues that others have with this specific quest. it isn’t because of any of that. people aren’t butt hurt because this wasn’t a toxic yaoi update or because stalker wasn’t transed. that isn’t the point.

warframe has shown us interesting stories from/about woman before. from exploitation by the orokin and others down to lotus’ struggles with motherhood. these stories have been present since the game’s conception and they’re been important in the plot before. so they’re capable of writing a story about women that doesn’t reduce them to baby makers or weak or helpless in the face of struggle and suffering.

i think having a story in the game about a pregnant warframe isn’t even bad. i don’t care. i think it would squick people out but, it very genuinely could be another story about the orokin attempting to take autonomy away from people. motherhood is important for some people and it could have been an interesting story about that! about taking back autonomy from an empire that sought to completely remove that from its lower caste of people. that is to say if jade had been given… any? autonomy? at all? we’re never even shown what she does in order to protect stalker? we don’t get speaking lines from her? she just lays there and is pregnant. she literally serves the narrative device of being a pretty incubator. when did they meet? has she just been pregnant the whole time? for a thousand years? what is happening? hello? it’s so dark in here. (i have a lot of issues with the pregnancy from a narrative and story writing perspective.)

you can also have a story about fatherhood. again, it could have been a story about two people fighting against a system that sought to exploit them. to strip away the autonomy of choosing to be a parent, of choosing to be a father, of choosing to be present for the child. there is a lot to say about how the orokin hurt and exploited people and having a story from the perspective of would-be parents having their humanity stripped from them would have been a good story. it would have been really interesting to see! and DE is completely capable of writing that story.

i think this confuses the stalker’s motivations, too. why would he hate the tenno if the orokin had done this to his pregnant gf? what do the tenno have to do with literally anything here? is it because of the power vacuum left behind after the orokin were killed off? (in before people are like “we’re not getting the full story on purpose” or “we don’t have enough information yet”: then it shouldn’t have been told to us that it was going to be a lore-centric quest. because it wasn’t. so i get to complain about getting no information in the quest that was supposed to have at least some information.)

once again, and i cannot get over this at all, jade has no speaking role. she has not capacity to express her wishes or autonomy at all. she doesn’t move. she gives birth and then she dies. we hear from literally everyone else that “this is what she would have wanted” and “we have to honor her memory” but any opportunity at all for the character herself to express literally anything is… not there! she’s given no substance, no action, no voice. and the narrative bends over backwards to portray that this is what she wants. this is what is right. and you hear it from almost everyone else other than… the person whose body is at stake. you hear it from ordis who had never met jade or even knew her or could know what she wanted. you hear it from hunhow who… why would he know? he also didn’t talk to jade?

all in all, it was a messy, rushed, and narratively confusing and frustrating quest. it gave us pretty much nothing, confused people’s motivations, gave us a pregframe (as an aside: isn’t it kind of fucked up that you’re building the frame to be pregnant. again. isn’t that fucked up? you’re puppetting around a dead pregnant woman? anyone else?) and… a warframe baby? i guess?

“it’s about fatherhood and the sanctity of life”. it’s barely about fatherhood at all, actually. i would argue that narratively fatherhood is barely present in the game. you hold baby. you go to the moon. that’s what fatherhood is, i guess! like sure… whatever…. corpus lady steps aside for a warframe baby. guys what’s happening here. what’s going on.

0/10. DE you can save this by letting me bullet jump as the baby. you made infant prime a reality. now take it back.

[emepe]

— Pairing: Eren x Reader, friends to lovers

— General info: series, 18+, modern AU, serial killer AU, smut, fluff, angst, hurt/comfort

— Summary: Fate is a tricky thing. Certain situations can’t be avoided as much as certain people’s lives can’t be kept from intertwining. With a serial killer on the loose, and unexpected relationships blooming, how will the universe intervene?

— Chapter summary: A journal entry. Meanwhile, Armin does what he can to help Eren out.

— Content warnings: mentions of murder and torture of a woman, misogyny.

— Notes: Hello, hello! Thank you to everyone who liked and reblogged chapter 1 of this series. I really appreciate it <3 Happy reading, bubs!

Links: Read on AO3 | Chapter guide | Masterlist

just friends

September 8, 2024

There’s nothing I hate more than arrogant women. That’s why I had to kill her. 

All I wanted was for her to smile at me. She wouldn’t. I filled her room with all her favorite things and even loosened her handcuffs. But she was so fucking hard-headed it drove me crazy. The little bitch even dared to spit at me. I had to teach her a lesson. I had to let out my anger somehow. 

For a while, it was exciting to watch her writhe in pain. I can’t even begin to describe how thrilling it is to see how much a human can tolerate until they break. I told her it was compensation for the look she gave me the day we met. She kept lying and saying she didn’t even remember having bumped into me on the street.

I really wish she could’ve bounced back this time. I’m so lonely without her now. I miss her.   

Humans are social by nature, it's what all the books say. When one is young, we need protection and love from our caregivers. As we grow, our world gradually expands and we bond with other people — friends from school, teachers, neighbors, coworkers. If one must stick to tradition, there's bound to be a romantic relationship to develop at some point. But for some people, that imposed path doesn't come naturally. Or rather, there have been blockages throughout the years that resulted in stunted social growth. 

That's where you find yourself. It's not your fault. When one grows up forced to believe she's nothing but a burden, it's only natural to try to take up as little space as possible. But again, it's not your fault. One doesn't acquire those thoughts on their own. 

You ruined my life!

As much as wellness and self-help gurus will preach there's a place in the world for everyone, self-awareness keeps you from blinding yourself toward the baggage you carry. It wouldn't be fair to lay that on anyone else. 

So you've shrunk yourself. No making yourself seen, no making yourself heard. No talking outside of what is strictly necessary to survive. No inserting yourself into other's lives. For the most part, it's worked. Albeit, you've been deemed unlikable, weird, and rude. It's better this way. There's no use in putting yourself out there if there's so much to feel ashamed of. It's too much to trouble others with your pitiful self.

Who in the world would want to put up with you?

After the usual snarky murmurs and judgmental glances, you're rarely acknowledged save for when someone — usually a man — tries to “take a crack” at you and the whispers float in the air for another while. Other than that, you're at peace with yourself. You're almost convinced you've developed invisibility powers. 

That is until Armin came along. At first, you sighed at the prospect of going over your routine yet again. Cementing boundaries and erasing any hope that it just takes the right guy to “loosen you up”. It was disgusting to have your quietness be misinterpreted for arrogance by the men at work. Even if that were the case, who was anybody to assume you needed to be knocked down a peg through sexual advances?

But Armin proved himself to be different. He tore away at your skepticism by simply being kind with no ulterior motives. Men can be so stupid. They'll believe a girl can't pick up when they're being slimy. It must've shocked them when you started having lunch with Armin more frequently. 

It was thanks to him that you slowly expanded your world's limits. It was because of him that you began to question the voice that rang in your ears. After receiving the housewarming party invitation, you wondered whether to step forward or back. There was no denying Armin's expansion had awoken something in you. You wanted company — craved it — but you didn't want to risk bringing trouble into the group. What if Armin was an anomaly and the things that echoed in your head were true? Maybe Armin wasn't an anomaly at all, he just didn't know enough about you. You certainly didn't let him in enough. 

In the end, your heart overruled your brain. You wanted more. With a hopeful heart, you went to the party. 

A heavy sigh slips past your lips as you pick at your dinner on Sunday night. Your hair is still damp from the shower and it rests uncomfortably along your neck. Your phone lies next to your plate, buzzing every few seconds to match the texts that come into the group chat — arrangements are taking place for the next get-together with Armin and his friends. 

After your moment of realization on the balcony, you faked a yawn and went back inside to pretend to fall asleep.

This morning, you avoided being alone with Eren. Not out of fear of something happening, but you needed to sort out your feelings on the situation.

There's no denying Eren is an attractive man — but that doesn't faze you. 

Catching Eren's eye wasn't something you planned. Your world suddenly expanded outside of your will — out of your control. You're not annoyed, just overwhelmed. 

Being the center of someone's attention means more expectations, more to live up to — he has no idea you're not the kind of girl he needs. Nobody needs someone who's a burden. It's not as if you're open to reciprocating any special attention, anyway.

If history has taught you anything, it’s that love isn't in the cards for you. It's best not to entertain any silly ideas.

Friendships are tricky, but no more than romance — or whatever crossed Eren's mind each time he looked at you. Keeping to oneself is easier than either one. But with the latter idea being too late to return to, you'll have to nip this problem in the bud.

The few hours before lunchtime seem to drag slower every Monday. Given that sparing time to eat was nothing but another task to check off your to-do list, you never used to pay much attention to the clock. But since Armin, lunchtime means more than bringing food to your mouth, methodically stretching your pace to fit the length of your lunch break.

Now it means meeting with a friend, having someone fill in the silence with tales from the accounting department, and occasionally going on quick drives to Kuchel. 

So when you venture off to his cubicle, only for him to tell you he's swamped with work and won't have lunch until later, you're mildly disappointed. You don't let it show. After all, work trumps your trivial need for company.

So you wish him good luck and return to your desk. Without any conversation to fill in the minutes, you finish your food fairly quickly. When you glance at the time on your phone, barely fifteen minutes have passed. Your fingers tap rhythmically against your desk before you decidedly stand, grab your bag, and head for the elevator. 

The coffee shop on the corner of the street has been your go-to spot since you started working here. You've been there alone and with Armin. It's where your feet take you on the rare occasions when Armin is too busy. There's nothing wrong with the in-house coffee kiosk from your office building, but you find more comfort in being surrounded by strangers who keep to themselves than bumping into someone who doesn't like you. 

The early September days serve as a transition into cooler temperatures. A light breeze has added to the warmth leftover from summer. The leaves have yet to develop a clear change in color, but some yellow streaks are popping up here and there. The beginning of autumn pushes you toward all things cozy. By the time you reach the shop, you've got your heart set on having a warm cup of cinnamon tea.

You settle at a table, place your order, grab a book from your bag, and wait. Before you can reach the second paragraph of your read, a shadow casts over your left side, forcing you to look up in confusion. It's too soon for your tea to be ready. 

You're met with striking green eyes and plump lips that pronounce a bashful hi.

It's a strange coincidence. You wish you could say you've never seen him around here before, but you've never bothered to commit any face to memory if it's not necessary. 

“Eren, hi.”

The tint on his cheeks you remember so well from two nights ago resurfaces. A nervous swallow pulls at your throat. You never did map out a plan — then again, you weren't expecting to see him again so soon.

“I wasn't sure if it was you. Are you here with someone?” he asks, taking a second to look around the shop.

You shake your head. 

“No. Armin's busy so I came here alone,” you explain.

He nods, rocking his weight on his heels. A question seems to linger on the tip of his tongue as his gaze flits between you and the floor. It takes him a moment for him to find his voice, though. In spite of yourself, you have to admit it's actually a bit endearing. It's different. It's refreshing.

“Is it okay if I sit with you?” His eyes are overflowing with hope. 

You nod. He sits. The book in your hands is put away.

For a while last night, you debated the validity of your theory. Maybe Eren wasn't interested in you in the way you thought. After all, it was your first time meeting and he might’ve been nervous. You know enough about the way you present yourself to acknowledge you're not the most approachable person. Maybe all he needs is time to get used to you.

“Do you want to order something?” You ask, prepared to wave over a server. He stops you with a dismissive hand.

“It's okay, I already had some tea.”

Your eyebrows rise in surprise.

“Not a coffee guy?” 

He shakes his head, sputtering a nervous chuckle.

“Not really. I don't like bitter things.” His nose scrunches as if he can savor it on his tongue.

A server brings over your tea along with a small tray of additives. You thank them before returning to Eren's statement.

“You can always add sugar,” you point out with a shrug. 

He shakes his head again. This time you're relieved to find a playful smile dancing on his lips.

“Nothing can beat tea with honey.”

Your hand pauses mid-air on its way to pick up the wooden wand half lost in a jar of golden syrup. 

You hum in thought as you reach for the sugar spoon instead. 

“Really?” 

“Yeah. That's how my mom made it for me when I was little. I'd get a stomachache or a cold and it was the first thing she'd make for me. I feel like a kid each time I drink it. It makes me think of her.”

The corners of his lips tug into a smile. You find yourself mirroring his expression as you look down at your hand stirring the sugar into your tea. 

“Your mom sounds nice,” you murmur.

“Oh, she's the best. I love her.”

Eren's shoulders relax. He feels at ease talking about his mom. He feels even better knowing he's successfully carrying out a casual conversation with you. In the light of day, everything is less scary. There's less to worry about. That carefree feeling blankets over everything. Suddenly, the motive he walked into this coffee shop for seems doable. 

Then a sinking feeling comes over his stomach. 

“Sorry.” The word bounces off his tongue without thinking.

“What for?”

He doesn't want to say it, but he hopes his apologetic gaze is enough to convey an explanation.

Your eyebrows shoot up in realization at his hesitance. Then they furrow as you press your lips into a fine line and shake your head dismissively. 

“Oh, that.” 

The recall of Saturday night when you drunkenly talked about your mom causes your cheeks to flare with heat.

Guilt settles in Eren's stomach. He didn't mean to bring up his mom. He also didn't mean to be so quick to apologize. It just made things worse now that you know he's tiptoeing around you. That's probably the last thing you want — to feel purposely pitied.

Flustered, he rummages through his brain for a solution — a way to get back on the track he was on. 

You fix your gaze on him. It's obvious he feels troubled. It's a foreign experience having someone worry so much about if they've caused you any harm. You're unsure of what feelings to associate with it other than guilt. He's not at fault for your crappy family life.

“So you and your mom are close?” you ask.

The crease in his forehead smoothes over. 

When he shyly reconnects with your gaze, your eyebrows raise ever so slightly in encouragement. The movement is so subtle it's hard not to miss — but not for Eren, who takes in every detail of your face with so much care. For Eren, the small shifts in your features are so interesting to look at. You express so much with so little. And yet there were times when you would accentuate your expressions as much as you could. What you held back vocally was compensated tenfold through your face. It's fascinating to him.

“Yeah.”

His voice is soft — a trace of his withering embarrassment.

“She's my best friend,” he adds with a little more confidence.

You take a sip of tea. The drink warms your stomach, mirroring that of your chest elicited by Eren's words. The fondness in his voice taints him with a childlike innocence. 

Eren Jaeger isn't worried about looking cool. He's honest and clumsy. It's charming.

A light shake of your head keeps your thoughts from drifting further.

“So not a coffee guy but a mama's boy, for sure. Got it.” You nod along with an overly serious expression painted on your face. 

He laughs, the sinking feeling in his stomach now dissolving into nothing. Had he not been on the receiving end of your bluntly spoken teasing the other night, he might not have laughed so easily.

A blush spreads across his cheeks. 

“Come on, don't tease me,” he mumbles.

You bite your lip to keep yourself from smiling. Eren falls back into his previously relaxed state. 

The conversation continues to flow in between every sip of your tea.

“Do you come here often?” you ask as you prepare to take another sip. 

Your eyes are locked on his. He struggles with the intense eye contact. At least, it's intense on his end.

“Not really. Armin mentioned it to me so I thought I'd try it out.” 

The pads of his fingers drum a nervous beat on the table.

You nod, relieved. You'd feel silly if it had turned out he was a frequent customer and your disregard of the people surrounding you kept you from noticing him. It would've piled onto your embarrassment from the Kuchel incident. 

“Ah, so are you on your lunch break, too? Do you work around here?”

“Um, kind of. I do media production and marketing for a museum, but I do a lot of hours at home. My place is just a few minutes by car.” 

“That's so cool.” 

The amazement in your voice in addition to its sudden turn up in volume is enough to make him blush. 

“It's nothing special. I'm definitely not raking in the big bucks like Jean.” 

“Still, it's cool. It's a lot more interesting than being an office manager.” 

Your eyebrows scrunch together with newborn disdain for your job before you finish the remainder of your tea.

“Well, I can't argue there,” he says, imitating the sliver of bitterness in your voice.

You gasp in mock hurt. 

“Hey, only I can say it.” Your tone is serious, but he knows you're joking. He can tell by the twinkle of amusement in your eyes.

He laughs.

“How long until you have to get back to work?” 

You peek at the clock on the wall across the room.

“I still have some time. It's a short walk back, anyway.”

Despite your wording, your answer triggers his nervous antics. You're bound to part ways eventually and he swore to himself he would get the words out. He runs a hand through his hair to distract himself from the anxious flutter in his stomach. 

It's no big deal, he thinks. She's just a girl. 

He regrets not ordering something else when you asked him. It would give his hands something to do. Then again, he can't keep them from shaking as he gathers the courage to pronounce his next thought. So it's better he doesn't have any breakables in his hold.

He pronounces your name carefully. His heart skips a beat when your eyes meet his. It's strange to think that you hold so much power over him within just a couple of days since meeting. He wants to get closer — he needs to. Again, that feeling of wanting this moment with you to stretch farther squeezes at his chest. 

“Do you want to hang out sometime? Just the two of us?”

He can feel himself growing numb to his surroundings as he awaits your response. It's similar to the feeling he gets after stepping foot off a rollercoaster. The adrenaline is pumping furiously through his veins while his mind goes blank. It's a weird moment of chaos and bliss all at once.

You clear your throat. 

“So… a date?”

He swallows thickly and nods.

He watches you contemplate his proposal. Your lips are pressed in a fine line, your gaze low and brow furrowed.

It's too much to hope you're equally attracted to him — he's aware. But he hopes you like his company just enough to say yes. Or at the very least, you're curious to know more.

Your mind is in conflict. This is more than you've bargained for. All you wanted was to get along with Armin's friends.

“I'm sorry, Eren. No.” 

He instantly deflates to your firm tone. 

“It's nothing personal,” you explain. “You're a really nice guy. Really. But I'm not interested in dating… at all.” You sigh, dreading the pending words on your tongue. “And I don't really see you that way. I just want to be friends.”

He remains quiet, chewing on the inside of his cheeks as he processes your words. 

The situation is uncomfortable for you, but his defeated form weighs heavier on your heart. He looks so small. It's definitely worse for him. 

“Eren?”

Your voice grounds him. 

“Sorry, I really spaced out there,” he nervously laughs. “Friends, though. Yeah, friends is good. Friends is perfect, actually.”

The word leaves a bitter taste on his tongue each time. He can pat himself on the back for shooting his shot later but, for now, his senses have been blurred by the disappointment of being turned down.

“I really like talking to you, Eren. Really.” 

Your attempt to lighten the defeat on his shoulders works — a little. It's a relief you're not entirely opposed to having him around, at least. Eren finds comfort in that. Maybe it'll suffice while he fights away at his attraction. 

“I like talking to you, too.” His voice carries a tint of helplessness. 

Your eyes soften. 

“I should get going.” 

You pull out a fresh bill from your purse and place it under the empty teacup before standing.

He stands with you and holds the door open. It's not until you're both out on the sidewalk, bidding each other goodbye, that he forces a smile. 

“I'll see you around.”

“Bye, Eren.” 

“Sorry I couldn't make it to lunch,” Armin says. He leans against the edge of your desk with his hands in his pockets.

It's been an hour since you got back, and you've been typing away, replying to emails. 

You shrug, tossing a small reassuring smile his way before focusing back on your computer screen.

“It's fine. I wasn't alone this time.”

He perks up.

“Really?”

You hum in affirmation.

“I went out for tea and bumped into your friend Eren.”

Armin's jaw falls open.

“Huh. Well, what do you know? That's a crazy coincidence.” 

There's something suspicious about Armin's theatrical tone, but you're too engrossed in going over your email for typos to notice. You only manage to murmur a simple uh-huh. 

“What'd you talk about?”

You send off your email with a satisfied click and look up at Armin as you lean back in your chair.

“Just this and that,” you reply nonchalantly. 

His lips press into a dissatisfied line.

“Well, what do you think of him?” His eyes light up expectantly. 

“He's…” You lose yourself in thought for a moment. Images of blushing cheeks, boyish smiles, and shimmering green eyes flash through your memory. You remember the honey and his simple confessions. “... like a little kid.” 

Armin's face bears a mix of confusion and amusement.

“What do you mean by that?” 

A soft pensive hum vibrates through your throat.

“Dorky,” you reply firmly. 

Armin snorts, readying himself to come to Eren's defense, but you continue.

“He's… honest, like a little kid would be. And he's a little clumsy with his words but it's… Kind of endearing. He's a sweet guy.”

Armin nods along, his face serious. Finally, he smiles. 

“Sounds like you had a nice talk, then.”

Date proposal aside, your moment with Eren was enjoyable. Even taking your rejection into account, you didn't sense any resentment directed at you and that just further proved your pure perception of him.

It's not the first time you've been asked out. It's certainly not the first time you've said no — that's always been your response, albeit for different reasons. A few guys in the office have tried getting closer to you but, even if you were open to dating, you can always tell it's nothing genuine from their approach. Their overly kind performance just makes it easier for you to decline. Once that's been done, their creepy narcissistic truths come to light — you're stoned with sexist slurs and disgusted looks. It'd hurt more if you were still the kind of person who craves approval from the wrong people.

There's a clear difference between them and Eren. So even though you rejected him, you still wish to be close as friends. He's a nice person to know.

“I did,” you tell Armin.

There's a shimmer in your eyes he manages to catch. Your features are soft and serene as you prop your chin on one hand while you mindlessly scroll through your emails with the other. Your lips are shaped into a discreet smile. Like a kid.

On his way back to his cubicle on the opposite end of the floor, Armin hums a cheerful tune to himself. There's a proud bounce in every step he takes. 

“Armin, check your phone. It was buzzing like crazy a few minutes ago,” a female coworker says in passing before grabbing a manila folder from her desk and rushing off to a meeting room across the hall.

“Thanks, Mina!” he calls after her.

Armin taps the missed call notification on his screen and brings the phone to his ear, grinning expectantly.

“You suck,” Eren's voice comes through the speaker after the first ring.

“Woah, woah, woah. What did I do?” Armin laughs as he steps out onto the empty smoker's balcony. 

There’s a groan on the other end.

“What do you think? I crashed and burned.”

Armin’s face contorts in confusion. From what he could gather on your end, the coffee shop incident went well. You were smiling, and although the things you said about Eren didn’t seem like it, you meant them fondly — Armin knew you well enough to confidently confirm that. At the very least, it meant you weren’t completely repulsed by his company. Even if there are different sides to every story, the discrepancies shouldn’t be anything major.

“What are you talking about?” Armin sighs.

Another groan on Eren’s end. If Armin wasn’t so patient, he would’ve hung up. 

He really is like a little kid, he thinks.

“I asked her out and she said no.”

Armin’s eyebrows shoot up in surprise. How could you keep that part out of the conversation you had earlier?

His shock doesn’t stem from your rejection, but rather because of Eren’s unexpected bravery. Although Eren was tough on the playground when they were kids, he grew up to be a fairly meek guy. When it comes to a girl he likes, he’s never been the bold type. Armin found it a bit strange at times. Eren’s had a track record of being popular among women, so his confidence should be over the roof and his personality, unbearable. But if he’s honest, it’s a good thing he doesn’t pay much attention to those things. It’s easier to root for a friend who only acts on more honest feelings. Even if that confidence didn’t stick with him.

“This is all your fault, Armin. So much for having my back.”

Even through the phone, Armin can tell his best friend is pouting. He has to hold back from rolling his eyes — it feels deceitful to do it behind his back when he has to play the role of a sympathetic friend right now. 

He rubs at his nape, unsure of whether he should feel proud of Eren for making a move or apologetic for not contemplating what seemed like a far-fetched risk. 

“To be fair, buddy, I didn’t send you over there to ask her out. I just thought you would like the chance to talk to her and get to know her a little better.”

“You couldn’t tell me that before? I don’t think I can ever face her again!” Eren half-yells.

Of course, Eren chooses to focus on the negatives. Armin cherry-picks the situations he meddles in. Even if it’ll serve as a confident boost to reveal to Eren what you said about him and how you said it, it could do him some good to bounce back on his own — and learn to pace himself. 

“First off, you have to relax an—”

“I can’t.” Eren’s voice is reduced to an embarrassed murmur. “She makes me nervous. I can’t help myself.”

There’s a long moment of silence. 

It’s been obvious from the start that Eren is attracted to you, but the near confession pulls at Armin’s heartstrings. It’s times like this when he’s reminded how cute Eren can be. 

“That bad, huh?” Armin smiles down at the people walking on the street.

“Don’t get me wrong. I’m not in love with her or anything but…”

There's a long pause on Eren's side, only disturbed by some light rustling as he moves his phone around.

“... I like looking at her… and I like hearing her talk. Do you ever notice how soft her voice is? There’s just something about it… There’s this thing with her eyes, too, it’s crazy.”

“Well, as long as you’re not falling in love with her.”

Eren releases a third groan.

“Armin, please. I just want to get closer to her. And I don’t want to make myself look like an idiot each time we’re alone. I wish there was something I could do to make her like me.” 

“I don’t think she dislikes you if that’s what you’re thinking.”

“She said she doesn’t see me that way. She just wants to be friends.”

Eren’s desolation is seeping through the phone now.

“Maybe I jumped the gun by asking her out so quickly.”

When Armin suggested Eren find you at the coffee shop during your lunch break, he figured it would help him get used to you. So that when the time came, he could ask you out without being more anxious than he needed to be. Had everything gone accordingly, Eren wouldn’t be moping now and wondering what would have happened — if anything was meant to happen — if he had just given you a little more time.

“Maybe,” Armin echoes.  

“Do you think I blew it?”

Armin shakes his head even though there’s no way for Eren to tell.

“I think you just got a little excited. You never know how she might feel later on.”

“I don’t want to make her uncomfortable. I hardly think she’ll like me any better if I act like those guys who can’t take no for an answer. I should just try being her friend.”

Armin wants to beg him not to feel discouraged — that there’s a reason why he was so excited to introduce you to each other, and why he teased him at the housewarming party after he caught him blushing while doing the dishes with you.

It didn’t start that way but, the more he got to know you, the more he thought you and Eren would be good together. 

Soft-spoken girl who keeps to herself meets the most dependable and kind-hearted boy.  

Armin would be lying if he said he wasn’t swayed by the promised satisfaction of playing matchmaker in the fantasy playing out in his head. Not that he felt you absolutely needed to get together. But he could feel it in his gut. You and Eren could do each other a lot of good. He already knew Eren would feel a pull upon meeting you and, if there’s anything he gathered from both sides of the coffee shop incident, it’s that you like Eren enough to let him stick around. It was a good call on your end, though he may be biased.

If you happen to fall in love along the way, then so be it.

“You’re a good guy, Eren. Everything will turn out fine.”

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[pastelpousay]

“Ask the Girl”

A/N: Fun fact I wrote this entire thing on paper 🙈 I’m so silly right 😋😽 I mostly wrote this so I can get used to writing them interact before I work on the second chapter which should be done by Late October if I lock in but yayyyyy Hadina content!!

Warnings: thoughts of self doubt, slightly ‘possessive’ thoughts (from Hades of course what else could you expect) kind of ooc Hades, this is really really long 😭but that’s it I believe.

For the longest time now, Rina has had a massive crush on Hades, and with how well he was able to read people— he sure as hell took notice after at least a couple months. It was so incredibly obvious, the fact he hadn’t noticed her behavior sooner damn near made him want to laugh out loud. How had he not realized? All the signs were there; she did everything he asked without much question, always taking over his work when the both of them were far too tired to, her mood boosting practically any time she saw him. All this on top of the general respect, kindness and compassion she showed towards him. She had never did any of that out of fear of him, he could look into her eyes and tell how utterly sincere she was and gods— that look she gave him was just everything to him. It was sweet like honey yet soft as the clouds on Olympus. Gods it just made the man melt, but oh- did it irritate him so. That lovey dovey feeling in his chest whenever the two of them held eye contact made his nonexistent heart thump. Why did he feel this way? It make him feel so…weak.

Hades took a moment to lean back in his office chair as he let out a rather exasperated sigh. He couldn’t believe this was happening right now, what the hell was wrong with him? As of recent he had been a bit on edge, how had Rina not noticed his so obvious advances? It practically drove the God mad. Was she that obvious with her feeling and that oblivious to his? You’d think an offer to be a God’s plus one to an Olympic party would be enough to get the point across, but apparently not. Perhaps he had misinterpreted her behaviors into something he would rather it be than just plain kindness.

‘I’m overthinking all this- I need forget about it— besides I’m Hades, lord of the dead. I don’t need to be worried over such a nonsensical thing— it’s only a little rejection, no biggie.’ Hades sat there for a moment thinking it over. Had she actually rejected him? Why was he even still thinking about this— he had work to do, he didn’t need to be stressing over something as futile this.

Hades sat forward in his chair, attempting to reassure himself that rejection was no big deal, he was so used to it after all.

But, it was a big deal to him, it really was. He could lie to anyone else about that but not to himself. He hated that feeling more than anything else in the world, and to be rejected…rejected by Rina…it felt like a stake to the heart. Soon enough the poor God began to overthink more and more as seconds passed by, the papers on his desk collecting dust at this point.

Maybe he had misread her kindness as a sign that she had been harboring feelings for him, perhaps she were like that with everyone? That thought…oh boy did it make his blood boil. He knew Rina was a kind soul but, he had to be the only one Rina acted like this with, that gave him little offerings, that smiled at him so warmly, that spoke to him in such a kind and sincere way. Because in his somewhat

‘sick and twisted’ mind she was his and he was hers, and it would have the stay that way. Dare he saw her that close with anyone else and he’d lose his damn mind.

‘…my gods— I’m starting to think Aphrodite might have something against me with all this bullshit.’ Hades thought to himself, trying to provide reason for all these thoughts and feelings that plagued him. Trying to ignore them was pointless— he just couldn’t get that girl out of his head.

He had to be honest with himself…he wanted to go to that party with Rina, badly. He didn’t even want to go to the party if he were being honest. He just wanted to be with her, not doing any work, hell— they didn’t even have to be talking he just wanted to be next to her, holding her, looking into those gorgeous big brown eyes of hers and practically drowning in them. That’s all he wanted…he wanted her. And if he wanted her, then oh boy was he gonna have her.

Now Hades really wasn’t focused on his work. Perhaps he needed a break, or was that just an excuse to run into Rina?

‘Holy fuck I needs some coffee—‘

…☆…

All day Rina had been running back and forth from her chores and her usual tasks. She had been hyper-focusing on cleaning the kitchen since Pain and Panic decided they were ‘above doing dirty work.’ Gods- as much as she loved the two, the fact she had to work twice as hard because the other two were slacking off. She honestly couldn’t care less not though, she were far too tired to and cleaning wasn’t much of a big deal to her anyways, well…compared to the usual work she was given so she didn’t mind it all too much.

She’d be lying if she said she hadn’t been looking over at the doorway the entire time…waiting for a certain someone to make his entrance in the room. She knew he was probably busy but this had to be the area where the two ran into each other the most— at least when he hadn’t called upon her.

‘Whatever— need to get back to work anyways.’ She waved the thought away as she continued mopping, thinking mindlessly as she did. What was that girl thinking about? Was she even thinking at all? The thoughts began to start flooding to her again. They always did it’s like they were haunting her, taunting her with something she didn’t even think she deserved.

What even was it about him? That charm, the jokes he made that always had her giggling, his so honest behavior that she dearly appreciated. Why was she so stuck on Hades in the first place? The thought of him being near her made her legs feel like led, she couldn’t help but hate and love that feeling all at once.

Then she thought back to when he asked her to go to that party with her…why did she say no?

Rina was well aware that she lacked most basic social skills and were far too nervous to talk to people unfamiliar to her— especially the gods but, wouldn’t it be worth it to at least have a reason to be with him other than just sorting papers?

Seems this girl had jinxed herself quite a bit, because the very man she had been thinking of had just walked in.

She could already tell it was him thanks to the hollowness in the walls of his abode, you could practically hear a hair drop from a mile away.

“Hey, you’re…cleaning? Again? I swear I saw you mopping in here two days ago—“

Hades inquired.

“Oh, yeah- yeah I was. I’m just in here trying to tidy up a bit” Rina explained.

“Yeah, yeah, because mopping the entire kitchen floor is definitely just ‘tidying up’.” He said chuckling a bit at her explanation as he walked past her.

“Well I would like for it to stay as clean as possible.” She responded in a slightly agitated tone, usually if it were anyone else he would have something to say but the sound of Rina’s rather quieted voice saying it amused him to no end.

“You neat freaks I swear—“

“Hey! I can’t help that I like it clean! Besides it’s nice, and it keeps everything in an organized manner.” She said with a huff in her voice.

“Shall we take a look at your room?”

“We shall not—“

“Mhm, thought so.” Hades said smiling, rolling his eyes a bit at her amusing antics.

“Coffee, at this hour?” Rina asked pausing for a moment tilting her head, she seemed a bit tickled at this behavior, not that it was unusual per say but it was only half past 2 by this point.

“I need something to keep me awake, I shouldn’t have stayed up so late last night” Hades said as he started fixing himself some coffee.

“Heh— what time did you go to bed?” She inquired.

“Maybe 3-2am give or take.” Rina looked at him like he had committed several war crimes. She knew he was a god, and probably used to staying up so late but— to go to bed for two hours before getting up was an insane idea.

“How- why— how does one do that?” she said giggling a bit, not even because she thought it was necessarily funny but rather from the pure absurdity of it.

“No clue, I’m honestly surprised I didn’t pass out when I got up today.” Hades said turning to her as he let the water in the coffee pot heat up, Rina shook her head at his words continued with her cleaning.

He kinda loved these little moments, where the two of them didn’t have to be endlessly working— well they were supposed to be, or rather he was at least. But he liked talking to her, as much as she made his cold black heart feel like it was beating out of his chest, speaking with her calmed him, it was nice. The two of them were rarely ever serious, most of the time it was just playful back and forth bickering or just the two joking. Gods he loved it. He adored hearing the sound of her voice, the way their eyes met when he was talking to her, he just couldn’t get enough of it.

Then he began thinking back to his earlier thoughts, about that ‘date.’ Perhaps he hadn’t made it clear enough? Maybe he wasn’t forward enough or perhaps too much. Although a thought popped into his mind…Should he ask, again?

“Sooo— how was work so far? Boring as ever I assume?” Rina said, breaking the silence that had momentarily fallen over them. Hades quickly snapped himself out of his thoughts, although he still wondered if he should go through with it but, he needed a plan.

“Oh yeah, yeah. Boring…, y’know nothing gets me going like a good pile of paperwork.” Hades chuckled to himself before taking a sip out of his cup.

Rina only shook her head, giving a small chuckle before proceeding with her task, that silence returned yet again leaving Hades to return to that dreadful place, his office.

…☆…

“Okay boys…” Hades started, taking a pause as he paced back and forth in front of his desk. The two imps in front of him anxiously waiting for what he was about to say next. It had been almost a full 48 hours since Hades finally decided to stop lying to himself about the emotions he were experiencing, all the while He had been silently questioning himself whether or not he had been correct about Rina’s affections for him, or if he should even attempt to ask her out one last time before he finally accepted he was probably gonna be alone for the rest of his; sad, miserable, eternal life. Or at least that’s what he would’ve gotten from that.

Hades had managed to practically drag the two imps out of bed, they were both still half asleep by this point, but as a alert as they could possibly be with the confusion and all.

“Uhh— sir, it’s 3:50 almost…we usually don’t get started till 4 y’know—“ Pain finally begged to question, pausing to check if what he said would upset Hades or not, and we’ll…it didn’t seem to. There he was, still pacing back and forth deep in thought.

“Ya think he’s okay?” Panic whispered to Pain, almost nudging him a bit.

“Hell no—“ Pain whispered back before continuing.

“Look boss, what we’re askin’ is—“

Hades interrupted “I know, I know it’s early boys, but work with me here,” he said sighing a bit leaning back on his desk before continuing.

“I need to know— and since Rina doesn’t shy away when talking to you two idiots—“ He said the last bit in a quieted tone, trying his absolute hardest not to roll his eyes. “I gotta ask…does Rina like, y’know…how does she view me? What’s her view on me? Just out of plain curiosity.” Hades asked crossing his arms as he waited for the pair to respond. He usually wouldn’t shy away from asking a question outright but knowing that Pain and Panic had a tendency to spill out secrets that weren’t to be shared, he couldn’t…especially when Rina was the only other person there to be told anything of the sort, especially if it were about her.

Pain and Panic paused at the question, blinking for a bit and doing a double take…did he really just ask them that? He could’ve asked Rina that himself so why was he up so early worrying them over it?

“Uhm, I mean…she likes you of course.” Pain answered confused at his question,

“Yeah, it’s pretty obvious.” Panic followed up.

“No— I know she likes me, but…look—“ Hades let out an exasperated sigh

“We aren’t getting anywhere with this,” he said rubbing his forehead a bit, he already knew beating around the bush wouldn’t help, considering how balloon headed his two lackeys were. If he had to risk Rina finding out about his plan, so be it. He’d be asking the girl out later anyways.

“Rina’s not like…Secretly engaged or something, right?” Hades questioned further. Pain and Panic exchanged glances before looking back at Hades.

“T-that’s what all this is about?” Panic asked, looking a bit baffled. Did he really get them up at almost 4am just to ask if Rina had a crush on him, did he not understand that she obviously did?

Well the thing is he did know, it was painfully obvious she treated him far different than anyone else, and he knew it couldn’t have been out of plain fear, she was far too kind. The doubt in the back of his mind seemed to have crept in however, he had been thinking maybe…he read her actions as something else entirely.

He waited, in an almost anxious manner for the two imps to say something else.

“Can you just tell me if she actually likes me or not?! goddamn it—“ He further restated his question, more than a bit firm this time. She had to have told them about her feelings, if she really did like him like had assumed before…right? They just had to know right?

“…sir it’s incredibly obvious.” Panic finally responded

“Mhm, very.” Pain relayed

“You’re sure?”

Pain and Panic nodded exhaustedly

“Okay, but— you’re sure, you’re sure?”

“Yes!” The two of them exclaimed getting pretty irritated at Hades rather oddly nervous behavior…okay who the hell was this god and what happened to the real Hades?

“You feelin’ alright, boss?”

“Yeah, you seem a bit on edge..?” The two said exchanging worried glances before looking back at Hades again, who has right now about ready for formulate a plan to ask the woman he so dearly cherished out on a date.

“Oh please— I’m fine,” Hades said rolling his eyes as he smirked a little, finding the question rather random, although it was only warranted with how off he had been acting. Gods- he had been getting really desperate again. Who knew it would only take two days for his desperation to truly shine.

“Alrighty then, boys! Time for daddy to start courtin’!” Hades said rubbing his hands together before walking over to a chalk board, just left of the table. Oh gods.

‘Holy Hera-ing fuck- he has this planned to a T.’ Pain and Panic announced to themselves simultaneously. Figuring that he had everything planned out with this oddly new found confidence.

“Did he have too much ambrosia today?”

“He sure is acting like it—“ Pain responded, in a rather comically concerned manner.

The pair watched as their boss turned the chalk board around with it now facing them. Surprisingly it was blank, nothing was on there yet. At least he wasn’t up all night scribbling on the board over some date like a complete psychopath.

“See, the reason I called you in here is because—“ Hades paused, dragging out the last bit of the word with a wavering tone of uncertainty. So…he didn’t have it planned out, at all.

“I need your help…quite obviously I have not a clue what to do for a date, ya feel?”

“You want us to…come up with an idea?”

“Yes you dumbass- look, just throw me an idea, I’ll do what I can and guess who’ll be setting it up” Hades said in a sing-song voice, and with a faux toothy smile to go along with it.

“Us?” Pain and Panic said in unison

“You sure as hell will be— now c’mon boys…ideas? Hello, hello, hello—“ he restated trying to get the pair back in focus.

“I dunno— I mean…it’s Rina we’re talking about, she doesn’t really like uhh— stuff all over the place y’know?” Pain answered tilting his head.

“I know, that’s why I’m asking you two imbeciles.” Hades said with his patience slipping a bit more than it already was.

“Just— look, y’know what don’t give me a specific idea, just tell me what type of date you’d think she’d like to go on.” Hades said, basically further simplifying the question he had already asked the two.

‘This is exactly why I don’t ask for advice.’

“Uhm uh, well…Rina isn’t much of a tough customer,” Pain paused as Panic followed up

“Yeah! She’s more of a ‘sit down and have picnic.’ type girl than anything else.”

“Hmm I see…” Hades said nodding his head along a bit, trying to come up with a date idea, but he knew he needed plan of action to actually ask the girl out.

“How about a stroll out next to the Styx! That sounds fun!” Panic said enthusiastically, whilst attempting to keep Pain, who was barely even awake to begin with, up and at em’.

“Huh— oh yeah! So fun, whooo whooo… whooo…” Pain said in a tired voice before mentally and physically clocking the hell out, and using Panics shoulder as a pillow cushion.

“Fine, fine, whatever. I can make do with that…alrighty then boys, see you in…,” Hades paused again, looking like he was debating on something almost

“I’m feelin’ generous today, you have an hour before you two need to get haul assin’ so, take with that what you will.”

Hades said dismissing the two of them as Panic rushed out, dragging Pain along with him.

As soon as Pain and Panic had left the room Hades let out a sigh of relief.

‘Oh gods— how in Zeus’ name am I gonna ask her?’ Hades thought to himself, rubbing his left temple as he sat down on his desk behind him. He had to ask her out, he just had to. That and his feelings of uncertainty towards Rina’s feelings for him, had practically been eating away at his mind for the past 2 or so days now. God— he felt like such a creep doing this but he couldn’t be stopped he wanted Rina, and badly. He needed to know that she had in fact liked him back, and even though he knew Pain and Panic were far too stupid to lie to him about such, he couldn’t help but wonder,

Had she them fooled as well? What if they figured no better than him previously?

Only Rina’s answer to Hades’ big question would truly be the thing to tell.

…☆…

Now here he sat, waiting. Waiting for the perfect opportunity to see if his assumption on his darling assistants feelings were true, waiting for the perfect moment to finally ask her out.

Some hours had passed since he finally planned this entire thing out— although he didn’t plan too much, he knew he didn’t need to go all out with it, it was just a date not a wedding ceremony, it’s not like he was gonna propose…so there was no need to be so nervous over it right? Right. It was only ten past twelve, and Rina had been on her break time as of right now, as she had been doing paperwork up until then. Hades had dismissed her a while ago, as he couldn’t focus much with her right in front of him, he was never able to to begin with but, now more than ever it seemed.

He was getting antsy now, should he ask now? Was it too early? Wrong time, wrong place? It’s not like he had many other options other than this one break they had in the day, so he knew he had to go for it now, If not Hades figured he might as well forever hold his peace.

‘Fuck it— I’ll just ask her now.’

Hades quickly got up from his chair, and headed out of his office looking for Rina. He didn’t have time to debate over it now, sure he could wait, but he didn’t want to. If Hades wanted something he was going to have it no matter what. Even if that something was Rina, he’d have to have to at least try. Rina usually at this time would be in the kitchen, getting a snack after all the work she had done, or somewhere in the library, checking out some of the old scrolls in there just out of plain curiosity. He had figured the latter since she had left a while ago, so he headed off to the library although he was sure to pass by the kitchen, just in case she had actually been there.

Hades finally made his way there, opening the doors rather slowly, being sure not to alert her too much if she were really there. The library was big, but not too huge, it was mostly just a maze of bookshelves and scrolls that had been tucked away, and covered in dust. He knew Rina had always liked to sit in the very back, in one of the chairs, so he slowly inched his way over there before spotting her just beyond an empty top of a shelf, curled up in one of the chairs reading a book. He nearly froze up when he saw her. She hadn’t noticed him yet thankfully, she practically had her nose buried in the book she was reading. She looked so at peace however, it oddly almost warmed his cold and empty heart, it always did truly but, he wasn’t just here tp sit here and admire her, unfortunately. He had something to do.

“Knock, knock, knock~” Hades said in a sing-song-y voice again as he knocked on the side of the shelf ye had been standing behind momentarily.

Rina looked up, finally noticing the tall, dark, and fiery god that was her boss.

“Oh— hi, hello, sorry! I was reading.” Rina said closing her book up, chuckling to herself a bit.

“You’re all good babe, don’t worry. I uh…psh— I just came here to ask you something is all…” Hades said awkwardly rubbing the back of his neck, doing his best to calm himself down. Not like he were going to let himself freak out in front of her— oh gods no. The anxious, nervous behavior he had been so scared of exhibiting…he couldn’t have Rina notice that, just yet.

“Oh, really? What is it?” Rina asked tilting her head off the the side a bit as she sat there waiting, listening intently.

“…do you…I wanna like, hmm, I dunno— want a break?”

“I am on break…”

“That’s…that’s not what I meant,” Hades said laughing a bit awkwardly, as he looked down at the ground, refusing to meet Rina’s gaze.

“I mean do you wanna go…out?” Hades went a bit silent, the faint, light hearted smile still being shown on his face as his dark eyes finally meeting Rina’s warm chocolate ones, the look and his eyes held nothing but anticipation and anxiety.

“Can you…be more specific please?” Rina giggled a bit, unsure of what he meant…or perhaps she did know what he meant, or what it could mean rather. Did he really just ask her that? Had he? Or maybe she were misunderstanding

‘Maybe he meant something different?’

“I’m afraid I don’t quite follow, sir—“ Hades cut her off.

“You don’t— you don’t have to call me sir, please…Catarina…you know exactly what I mean.” Hades said, their eyes practically locking at this point, as if they were trying to read each other, like a book almost.

“…you mean us, go out? Like—“

“Yes, just you and me. No body else. Just us, that’s all I want.”

“You’re not like trying to—“

“Rina, I’m asking you out on a date, I’m not trying to do anything but be with you.”

‘Did I really just fucking say that?’

Hades internally cringed as he then noticed the silence that had fallen over them. Rina’s eyes went wide, well now she knew for certain that’s what he was asking, and it’s not like she couldn’t just not answer his question.

“Uhm— I-… I’m sorry,” hades let out a stifled chuckle “I’m sorry I didn’t—“

“I would love to go out with you” Rina said fully closing her book as she gave him a content smile.

“Excuse me?” Hades said confused, asking her to repeat again,

“I said, I would love to go on a date with you, is that not what you asked?” Rina said getting a bit cheeky now, almost teasing him a bit but she was far too slick with it for her own good.

“…” Hades went silent for a moment.

“Really?”

“Yes, I mean it”

‘Holy fuck that was easy, I didn’t even have to bribe her!”

“Well, okay then,” Hades started as he straightened out his robes.

“I’ll uh- I’ll have Pain and Panic come get you at six O’ clock— sharp. I’ll see you then, you can have the rest of the day off it ya want.” Hades said contently, as he turned away to leave, Rina watching in surprise as he did. Rina opened her book again before bending over and putting her head in her lap and in her book. She sat in a fetal position almost, doing her best to suppress the smile that almost spread across her features.

‘Did that just happened?’

Rina questioned to herself she almost couldn’t possibly believe it, no one had ever went out of their way to ask her out, especially not someone who she enjoyed the presence of so dearly. Perhaps she had finally gotten what she wanted…she had won.

…☆…

As the hours in the day passed, it finally hit six O’ clock. The anticipation was practically killing Rina from the inside out. She had been in the bathroom that both her and Hades shared, doing her best to look at least half or more presentable than she usually did, but nothing too fancy. It was just a date after all its not like he asked her to marry him or anything— then again it’s not like she’d be all too opposed to that idea either.

‘I wonder where we’re going?’ Rina thought to herself. ‘Damnit— I should’ve asked him that! Ugh— mm..it’ll be okay I guess, at least I’ll be spending time with him’ Rina thought, smiling to herself as she finally finished fixing up her hair, pulling down a small coily strand with her finger as she let it go and watched it bounce back up.

Soon enough she had left the bathroom. Where the hell were Pain and Panic? They were supposed to come and get her right about now. She quickly shrugged it off, figuring they were probably on their way anyways.

Rina continued walking a bit further away from the bathroom, not to anywhere in particular, she was more so just wandering about as she waited for the pair of imps to finally make their appearance. Oh boy soon enough, they sure as hell would.

As Rina continued on walking for a bit longer she felt a presence from behind her, was it Hades? She had noticed it before after she had left the bathroom, however she wasn’t expecting it to pop up right behind her, and sure as hell didn’t expect to go and snatch her up and blindfolded out of basically nowhere.

“Augh— hey! Lemme go!” She exclaimed as she struggled against the person who had been obstructing her view with a cloth.

“Whoa— calm down sister!”

“Yeah, quit— quit strugglin’!”

Rina almost deadpanned on the spot as soon as she heard those voices, gods— of course it had been them, none others Pain and Panic. How had she not figured that? Rina stopped her struggle as the Blue and Red imps finally finished tying her blindfold

“…so— mind telling me what the freakidy fuck is this about?” Rina said crossing her arms, which usually they’d take pretty seriously but now they honestly couldn’t be bothered to.

“The boss asked us to.” Pain stated like it was no big deal. Rina would’ve rolled her eyes at this but she didn’t bother to, as she thought it didn’t matter if they couldn’t see it.

“Okay, well, why am I being blindfolded? Where the hell are we even going to anyways?” Rina asked as she lifted a brow, confused you the situation, as pain and panicle began leading her somewhere.

“You’ll see in a bit…”

Pain and Panic said in unison, it was almost a bit uncanny, although she payed it no mind. It hadn’t mattered, and either way she was more concerned about where she we’re going, as well as hoping for Hades to be there waiting for her.

…

Soon enough Rina had finally arrived to said date location, she, to be frank had no clue where she was at. She had been blindfolded before she even arrived, and hadn’t been paying much attention to where they were headed. The half of it was a complete blur, and her excitement to actually be going on a date with the man of her dreams seemed to be overpowering her emotions of curiosity about wherever the hell she were at right now.

Pain and Panic finally let go of her hands before turning to finally leave. Rina overheard some of their chattering as they walked off, likely back to the cold, dark, and gloomy underworld.

“Ugh— they grow up so fast” one of them said from off in the distance, she couldn’t help but giggle a bit at their little comment. Rina started to take off her blindfold before another presence seem to pop up from behind her,

“Sorry ‘bout all that, babe. Hopefully they didn’t freak you out too much.” Hades said, startling her a bit as he began helping her take off the cloth from around her eyes.

Rina hadn’t said anything just yet, soon the blindfold was off and her eyes became adjusted to the scenery around her. She knew it, the air didn’t feel warm and dense like it did in the underworld, the breeze was cool and refreshing, and the wind flowing past the many trees that were surrounding the river in front of her, the sounds of the water rushing past the rocks in the river, all of it was music to her ears. He had taken her back home, back on earth.

Her eyes soon trailed down to the very lake she stood In front of, taking in the sight of it and the reflection of the red colored sun that was still sparkling in the ever deepening blue shy, the gorgeous evening scene and the colors Rina so enjoyed, it gave her peace.

“Thought I’d take you out of the underworld some time soon y’know, figured you’d gotten homesick.” Hades said as he lightly placed a hand on her shoulder, waiting for her to finally say something— although she did admittedly looked rather shocked as she gazed upon the beautiful scenery.

“This is— this is so…gorgeous,” Rina said softly still taking in the scene before she turned to look at him, giving him a warms smile. He took in the red and orange colors of the sun shining on her almond skin and deep brown eyes, holy hera she looked like a dream.

“Thank you so, so much for taking me here.”

“Not a problem babe— oh, and I’ve got one more thing I wanna show you,” Hades put out his hand, silently offering for her to take it. Rina hesitated for a moment, what could he possibly have to show her that could make this little date of theirs any better?

Rina gave him her hand, silently taking note of how much larger his hands were compared to hers, she had noticed a while ago— and gods, she’d be lying if she said she didn’t make her heart beat a least a little bit faster. Hades quickly look her hand in his, rather macro-scaled, palm. He began leading her over through the grove of trees, and further down the bubbling river. She kept her eyes on the water, watching as the copper suns light hit it, although she did glance back up at Hades a few times throughout.

“You see that light up top?” Hades said breaking the calming silence. Rina looked over at him a bit confused by what he meant, before she looked forward, a bit further over in the bunches of trees.

She hadn’t seen anything yet, no light other than the ever sinking sun in deepening darkness of the sky.

“I’m not seeing anything…I don’t get it, what light?”

Hades let out a breathy chuckle before replying,

“Mmm you’ll see em’ soon babe, you’ll love it just know it.”

As they continued, Rina spotted some light coming from up above in the trees, along with a boat along the shore of a small pond the river had lead up to. It wasn’t a large boat, but it was big enough for two, and it even had two seats with cushions on them, pretty fancy, in Rina’s book at least.

Rina stopped momentarily for a moment taking in the sight in front of her. The golden light from the trees now shining in the darkness of the night that had just begun, she started walking over the the small grove of trees around the pong, looking a little closer at the golden tree leaves. It wasn’t just the shining tree leaves however, it was clusters upon clusters of gleaming golden blossoms that resided there. Gosh— they almost looked like stars.

Hades looked at Rina’s starry eyed gaze as she looked at the scenery, finding it a bit endearing if he were being honest. He kept her hand in his, although her rather small one began to slip so he intertwined her pinkie in his. Gods— she was just so sweet he almost couldn’t handle it.

“These are beautiful…, what are they?”

Rina said, her gaze never breaking the golden glow of the starry flowers that had captivated her.

“I’m not too sure actually,” Hades started, letting out a slightly amused laugh at Rina’s fascination.

“They call em’ Star Lily’s or something, I believe, I thought you’d like em’.”

“I do— they’re lovely,” Rina said looking back at him momentarily, with a small smile on her face.

“Uhh, what’s that boat for? It’s not for us is it?”

“What— I thought it would be nice to just…I dunno- sit on the water and talk y’know. You don’t get sea sick or anything do ya’?”

“No, no—I’m not I just didn’t, I mean I did but uhm—“

“What? You wanted to take a dip in the pond?”Rina let out a small chuckle at his comment.

“No! I just, I mean I uhm…I didn’t expect it is all…,”

“Do you not wanna?” Hades raised a brow, asking genuinely a bit confused by all Rina’s worried rambling.

“No, I do! I do, I’m sorry—it’s just…I don’t wanna fall in.” Rina said chuckling, covering up her face a bit from the embarrassment, but there was nothing she said that was really embarrassing. Perhaps she said if wrong?

“Sorry— I’ve…I’ve never been on a date before I don’t know how to—“

“You’re just fine, babe. Just relax, and take a load off. Just be happy we aren’t out here doing paperwork” Hades said laughing as he walked over to the boat with Rina, as she took a slightly tighter grip of his hand.

“You wanna get in first?”

“Hm? Oh sure uhm…how do I get in without it y’know…tipping over?” Rina said holding her free hand up to her chest as she looked over the boat. Hades shook his head at this with a smile as he kept her hand in his and help it up, guiding her into the boat.

“There you go m’lady.” He said chuckling a bit as she finally stepped in and sat down.

“Don’t call me that,” Rina said deadpanning a bit almost, despite the small grin spreading on her face.

“uhm…well..now what?”

“Hmm…uhh— we’ll see, just— give me a sec to figure this out, will ya’.” Hades finally let go of her hand as he stood up, and put a finger up to his chin. Thinking about how the hell he was actually gonna get this boat into the water, along with himself.

…

About 15 minutes later of Hades completely embarrassing himself and almost falling in the water— at last they were both finally in the boat.

Hades let out a rather loud sigh as she finally relaxed in his seat, leaning forward a bit closer to Rina.

“Goddamn—“ Hades said relived, just before turning to look at Rina who was doing her very best not to giggle.

“Oh c’mon, babe— don’t laugh at me now,”

“I’m not, I’m not, it’s just—“ Rina finally let out a laugh, giggling as she put her head down to her knees as she did.

“You almost fell in—��

“Oh you are just too tickled about that, aren’t you?” He lifted a brow, laughing along with her.

“So…,” Rina finally stifled her laughter before she continued,

“Now that we’re in this boat…now what?”

“Mmm, I’m not sure…”

Hades paused a moment, the both of them locking eyes once more. This moment felt like magic, the golden glow of the flowers reflecting in her warm eyes as they continued to drift down the pond and into the river. Rina eyes however kept trailing down towards Hades lips, but only for a second.

‘Are we about to kiss?’ Rina thought to herself as she looked back up at him.

“You have really pretty eyes…” Hades said smiling to himself.

“Huh-“

“They look they have stars in them,”

Hades went silent for a moment as he internally cringed once again.

‘Ew— did I just fucking say that?’

Rina smiled as she put a hand over her lips trying to hide it as she giggled a bit again.

“Um, thank you…I uh…I’m- I’m not sure what to say” Rina said with a huff while snickering a bit to herself.

“Yeah, I’m sorry—“ Rina swiftly cut him off.

“No, no, don’t apologize I appreciate it. Uhm…, I think you look handsome today…” Rina said with hesitations she looked away from him and down at the Running water just below them in embarrassment.

“Thanks, babe,” he paused before continuing on,

“So…your day so far?”

“Oh it was good, I uhm…I read.” Rina replied, her eyes fluttering up at him for a second before returning to focus of the water.

“Ohhh, she reads okay then. What have you been reading in the library anyways?”

“Uhm..books”

Hades practically bursted out with laughter at her rather vague response.

“What’s so funny?” Rina ask furrowing her brows a bit, seemingly offended and confused by his abrupt laughing

“None— nothing, babe. You’re just being a little silly is all.” He said in an amused huff.

“It’s not my fault! I dunno how dates work— I don’t even know why you asked me out of all people isn’t this supposed to be like romantic or something?…” Rina asked a bit frustrated and confused.

“Is it not romantic out here?”

“It is! I just dunno why you would ask me…?”

“Why not?” Hades asked chuckling, simultaneously getting on Rina’s nerves while he was at it.

“You’re not helping.” She crossed her arms as she sat back a bit in the boat away from him.

“Okay fine, fine,” He let out a sigh before he followed up,

“I mean what’s so bad about asking my assistant out on a date?”

“…do you want me to answer that?” Rina lifted a brow.

“No— look I- I dunno, if I could tell you I would but I just…look, I like ya’ enough to take ya’ out, or somewhere where we aren’t just doing paperwork.”

“…” Rina unfolded her arms, seemingly no longer upset, or not as upset as she was before.

“I could ask you the same y’know,”

“Hm?”

“Why you said yes?”

“I dunno…I mean a date with you doesn’t sound that bad…and I like being with you.”

Hades’ smile grew a bit whisper at her words.

“See you get it. I uh…sorry ‘bout all that—“

“It’s my fault I’m sorry, but let’s just enjoy our time here while we have it.” Rina said smiling as she took his hands in hers. Gosh— now that practically just warmed his heart, it damn near made him jolt, to say the least he hadn’t expected that.

‘Is she trying to make a move on me or…?’

Hades took in her hands, pulling her a bit closer to him.

“So…what do you wanna talk about?”

“Rina,” Hades announced sternly, making sure his eyes made contact with hers. She was giving him that look again, god how he loved her oh so dearly.

“What? I don’t know what to talk about…,”

“Y’know what people do when they have nothing to talk about on a date?

“What?”

Hades pulled her a bit closer, his hands now resting around her waist. Her nose and lips practically touching his, if they weren’t already that is, and before Rina was even able to realize what he was about to do, he leaned forward, with their lips finally meeting, much to Rina’s surprise.

She returned the kiss before they soon parted a moment afterward. Too bad heaven only lasted about 5 seconds, and Rina had been in complete surprise for at least half of them.

“Woah…”

Rina said before looking up at him again a small smile plastered on her face, more than ready to lean in for another kiss.

🍬Hi!! Thanks a lot for reading my story!! :3🍬hope you like it, I worked really hard on it!! :3. If you have any criticisms please let me know how I can improve my writing!! But other that I hope you enjoyed!!

Divs by @.Brokenhearted

[sciderman]

Your post about balls and their inherent attractiveness made me wonder who you are attracted to? If you don’t mind me asking of course! I don’t mean to pry.

I’m just curious because you’re such a multifaceted person and gender and sexuality are so multifaceted. You mentioned that like, you don’t think you’re this icon of gender that everyone thinks you are but I don’t think you’re as far off as you think you are. You’ve never (at least that I have seen) claimed to have it all figured out. You sort of just walk into the room and go, “This is what I’m doing right now! Is it what I’ll be doing tomorrow? I don’t know!” It’s very David Bowie. So I thought maybe in terms of your sexuality you’ll likely be in a similar state of, “I know what I don’t like, but I’m still discovering what I do like because every day is a new adventure!”

hmm!! hmm... i think it's tough to pinpoint, because i've not had a lot of crushes in my time with people i know on a personal level - and, i haven't really been in a lot of relationships, and when i have it's usually been people pursuing me and me just, giving up the fight (sighs) - but when i do have a crush it's usually an emotional bond that makes them so attractive to me. it's not that they're not physically attractive too, of course they are, but it's kind of the emotional side that makes every little bit of them homina homina, you know. not to be gay about it.

i think even celebrity crushes i have are more about their inexplicable vibes more than their physical features. vibes have to be immaculate. i need to think "yeah. i wanna hang out with them. i think they could make me laugh."

though of course there's people out there who are objectively gorgeous, and i'm not immune to that. i know when someone's gorgeous. i - well, i don't know. i'm just (waves hands around) bisexual. i'm very bisexual. i find a lot of people attractive. from all parts of the gender and aesthetic spectrum. i don't think i could point at one thing and say "oh so that's what does it for me" - i think maybe just... enthusiasm and good vibes. friendly and approachable. not intimidating. kissable (whatever that means).

i'm easily scared away by people who seem intense. because i'm very skittish. so... people that are approachable and make me feel comfortable and safe, yeah. god. feeling safe with someone. yeah. that gets me hot under the collar. when i'm with someone i can feel free and comfortable with, and they kind of get it - and they know how to not scare me away, that's great. i've had a lot of interest in me from a lot of people that just kind of didn't get me, or think i'm something else, and all i want to do is get out of that situation. i can't do it, i can't do it. it - it kind of makes relationships difficult for me. because it's almost a given that if someone is thinking of me in a sexual context they're misinterpreting me. it - it kind of stinks. like, i should be responsive, maybe, but it never feels comfortable, for me. i wish it felt right. it very rarely does. so - so i've turned down so, so many people. and i beat myself up about being "scared" or whatever, but - i don't think it's true. if it feels right it feels right. if it doesn't feel right - you can't - you can't force yourself to think that it is. and every time i've bitten the bullet, it - it doesn't work. because it wasn't right. sometimes i think there's something wrong with me. but - i... i don't know. i've had this realisation that nearly all of the intimate relationships i've ever had, i've been a bit of a cornered animal. and i hate that realisation. it kind of stinks to realise that. kicks the dirt. god, i need more positive experiences.

i definitely feel more comfortable with afab people - i've - well, i've never had a positive encounter with anyone amab. not a one. i know that i shouldn't hold it against them, but it does something about my degree of comfort, yep. and i just think afab parts are prettier. (i'm right. they are.)

but i think, you know, while everybody has their clothes on, i don't really have preferences when it comes to femme vs masc, really. like when it comes to actors and things it's a 50/50 split on what actors or actresses i find attractive. in my day-to-day i'm probably more attracted to femme-presenting people, but that's generally because they put a little bit more effort into it, and their clothes and make-up are so, so pretty. i love when people display their emotions or their energy through their wardrobe. when people express themselves with all their colours or whatever. when you get a sense of who they are, and what they're about, just by looking at them. people who light up a room. i love those people. you generally find that more with femme-presenting people, and i love those girls. stay loud and proud, my girlies...

in my mind, in my subconscious, whenever i have dreams (that aren't a sordid threeway - i have a lot of those - usually with one gorgeous girl and a large, ominous faceless man) - dreams about who i'm going to wind up with, they're almost always femme-presenting. usually my age. sometimes older. shrugs. don't know what it means. just that's where my brain is at. i don't think it has to be true, but - guess it's where my brain is at.

my dad still insists that i'll end up with a man. i almost want to not, just to spite him. whenever i mention i'm attracted to a male actor he says "oh. so you are straight." he thinks i'm just confused. he says to me, "you're confused and that's okay." so i think that might be just about the full extent of acceptance i'll get from him. shrugs. i'm confused, i guess. i don't know. i think this particular thing i don't think i should or will have an answer. i don't think i'm confused. i don't feel like i need to sort it out. my options are open. i'm not scared about whatever will come. whatever is meant to happen will happen. that's - just, i guess, that's how i see it. whatever is meant to happen will happen. and it's not a problem that it hasn't happened yet. because i guess it wasn't meant to.

i think my gender stuff was always a priority - it always came first. i had my gender awakening LOOOONG before my sexual awakening (my sexual awakening like. only happened like. two years ago. honest to god.) i remember it being a bit of a problem - when i was forging my gender path back in high school, and a lot of people thought it meant something. meant that i was a cute boy who was up for dating girls. when actually i was the kind of boy who was not into girls yet. i was too busy being into comic books. i think even now, sex just - isn't my priority. it's just - it's more important for me to find people that see me for me. see me for what i am, and the sex can come later.

it's just - it's stupid, really. i find a million of you guys online who kind of get it. you're freaky weird gender like me but - in real life - i have no idea how to explain myself. i have no idea how to market myself. i can't use dating websites because i think people on both sides are going to be disappointed. and absolutely everyone who's romantically interested in me in person doesn't know how to approach me as what i am. they approach me wrong, and it scares me away on impact because - because whatever they think i am, i'm not. i'm not a butch lesbian, i'm not a transguy, i'm not a girl, i'm not a boy, i'm not... i don't know, i'm not easily marketable. i can't find my demographic. i've only found my demographic here, in my weird little spider-man corner of the internet. with likeminded freaky gendered spider-man nerds, i guess. i think maybe my dating life would be easier if i could just be one thing. but... (waves hands around) i can't do it. i can't force myself into a box for the sake of being more easily marketable. i just can't do it.