#tumblr is my emotion dumping ground

[sciderman]

Your post about balls and their inherent attractiveness made me wonder who you are attracted to? If you don’t mind me asking of course! I don’t mean to pry.

I’m just curious because you’re such a multifaceted person and gender and sexuality are so multifaceted. You mentioned that like, you don’t think you’re this icon of gender that everyone thinks you are but I don’t think you’re as far off as you think you are. You’ve never (at least that I have seen) claimed to have it all figured out. You sort of just walk into the room and go, “This is what I’m doing right now! Is it what I’ll be doing tomorrow? I don’t know!” It’s very David Bowie. So I thought maybe in terms of your sexuality you’ll likely be in a similar state of, “I know what I don’t like, but I’m still discovering what I do like because every day is a new adventure!”

hmm!! hmm... i think it's tough to pinpoint, because i've not had a lot of crushes in my time with people i know on a personal level - and, i haven't really been in a lot of relationships, and when i have it's usually been people pursuing me and me just, giving up the fight (sighs) - but when i do have a crush it's usually an emotional bond that makes them so attractive to me. it's not that they're not physically attractive too, of course they are, but it's kind of the emotional side that makes every little bit of them homina homina, you know. not to be gay about it.

i think even celebrity crushes i have are more about their inexplicable vibes more than their physical features. vibes have to be immaculate. i need to think "yeah. i wanna hang out with them. i think they could make me laugh."

though of course there's people out there who are objectively gorgeous, and i'm not immune to that. i know when someone's gorgeous. i - well, i don't know. i'm just (waves hands around) bisexual. i'm very bisexual. i find a lot of people attractive. from all parts of the gender and aesthetic spectrum. i don't think i could point at one thing and say "oh so that's what does it for me" - i think maybe just... enthusiasm and good vibes. friendly and approachable. not intimidating. kissable (whatever that means).

i'm easily scared away by people who seem intense. because i'm very skittish. so... people that are approachable and make me feel comfortable and safe, yeah. god. feeling safe with someone. yeah. that gets me hot under the collar. when i'm with someone i can feel free and comfortable with, and they kind of get it - and they know how to not scare me away, that's great. i've had a lot of interest in me from a lot of people that just kind of didn't get me, or think i'm something else, and all i want to do is get out of that situation. i can't do it, i can't do it. it - it kind of makes relationships difficult for me. because it's almost a given that if someone is thinking of me in a sexual context they're misinterpreting me. it - it kind of stinks. like, i should be responsive, maybe, but it never feels comfortable, for me. i wish it felt right. it very rarely does. so - so i've turned down so, so many people. and i beat myself up about being "scared" or whatever, but - i don't think it's true. if it feels right it feels right. if it doesn't feel right - you can't - you can't force yourself to think that it is. and every time i've bitten the bullet, it - it doesn't work. because it wasn't right. sometimes i think there's something wrong with me. but - i... i don't know. i've had this realisation that nearly all of the intimate relationships i've ever had, i've been a bit of a cornered animal. and i hate that realisation. it kind of stinks to realise that. kicks the dirt. god, i need more positive experiences.

i definitely feel more comfortable with afab people - i've - well, i've never had a positive encounter with anyone amab. not a one. i know that i shouldn't hold it against them, but it does something about my degree of comfort, yep. and i just think afab parts are prettier. (i'm right. they are.)

but i think, you know, while everybody has their clothes on, i don't really have preferences when it comes to femme vs masc, really. like when it comes to actors and things it's a 50/50 split on what actors or actresses i find attractive. in my day-to-day i'm probably more attracted to femme-presenting people, but that's generally because they put a little bit more effort into it, and their clothes and make-up are so, so pretty. i love when people display their emotions or their energy through their wardrobe. when people express themselves with all their colours or whatever. when you get a sense of who they are, and what they're about, just by looking at them. people who light up a room. i love those people. you generally find that more with femme-presenting people, and i love those girls. stay loud and proud, my girlies...

in my mind, in my subconscious, whenever i have dreams (that aren't a sordid threeway - i have a lot of those - usually with one gorgeous girl and a large, ominous faceless man) - dreams about who i'm going to wind up with, they're almost always femme-presenting. usually my age. sometimes older. shrugs. don't know what it means. just that's where my brain is at. i don't think it has to be true, but - guess it's where my brain is at.

my dad still insists that i'll end up with a man. i almost want to not, just to spite him. whenever i mention i'm attracted to a male actor he says "oh. so you are straight." he thinks i'm just confused. he says to me, "you're confused and that's okay." so i think that might be just about the full extent of acceptance i'll get from him. shrugs. i'm confused, i guess. i don't know. i think this particular thing i don't think i should or will have an answer. i don't think i'm confused. i don't feel like i need to sort it out. my options are open. i'm not scared about whatever will come. whatever is meant to happen will happen. that's - just, i guess, that's how i see it. whatever is meant to happen will happen. and it's not a problem that it hasn't happened yet. because i guess it wasn't meant to.

i think my gender stuff was always a priority - it always came first. i had my gender awakening LOOOONG before my sexual awakening (my sexual awakening like. only happened like. two years ago. honest to god.) i remember it being a bit of a problem - when i was forging my gender path back in high school, and a lot of people thought it meant something. meant that i was a cute boy who was up for dating girls. when actually i was the kind of boy who was not into girls yet. i was too busy being into comic books. i think even now, sex just - isn't my priority. it's just - it's more important for me to find people that see me for me. see me for what i am, and the sex can come later.

it's just - it's stupid, really. i find a million of you guys online who kind of get it. you're freaky weird gender like me but - in real life - i have no idea how to explain myself. i have no idea how to market myself. i can't use dating websites because i think people on both sides are going to be disappointed. and absolutely everyone who's romantically interested in me in person doesn't know how to approach me as what i am. they approach me wrong, and it scares me away on impact because - because whatever they think i am, i'm not. i'm not a butch lesbian, i'm not a transguy, i'm not a girl, i'm not a boy, i'm not... i don't know, i'm not easily marketable. i can't find my demographic. i've only found my demographic here, in my weird little spider-man corner of the internet. with likeminded freaky gendered spider-man nerds, i guess. i think maybe my dating life would be easier if i could just be one thing. but... (waves hands around) i can't do it. i can't force myself into a box for the sake of being more easily marketable. i just can't do it.

[faunandfloraas]

im so glad im not the only person that looks at seungmin and goes "❓tism❓" bc he is Way Too Relatable to me as a person w autism

yeah..... like I say it in jest but also..... well, yk. sometimes you notice something and you notice something and you notice something and you go Hmmmm

[sugarfortia]

i will continue to use entertainment media as a way to ignore my problems

[goldenwoods]

This post is about the gaiman situation.

Right off the bat, fuck him and his associates. It's rare for someone in a position of power to get what they deserve but I hope he joins that short list. And I wish the victims well. What a horrible situation to be abused by a man masquerading as a champion for inclusivity and human rights.

That said, I don't understand the vitriol put towards people who're trying to recontextualise their relationship to gaiman's media in light of the revelations. I'm talking about those posts and comments getting angry at people for grieving, accusing them of not prioritising the victims.

Which is such an unwarranted accusation. Obviously, if they're under a post or article about the victim's testimony and they go "my season 3 :(((" or "my poor characters don't deserve this :("in the comment section then yeah, they're pretty disgusting. But the same accusations shouldn't be levied at people trying to come to terms with the fact that their formative experience was written by a monster ON THEIR OWN BLOG.

This isn't putting fictional characters before victims, it's just that there can't be much said about such a black and white situation that isn't already said by a million other posts ("fuck gaiman, fuck his supporters, hope the victims get justice"), whereas how a reader themselves deal with the fall of someone they've put on a pedestal is a much more complicated and nuanced process that they have to think through. If anything, I think it's a sign of a healthy community who treat 'fuck gaiman' as common sense and not something that needs arguments about. I don't know if there are ways to help the victims yet beyond just showing support on social media (let me know if i've missed something), but I don't think going after any fan daring to talk about their own relationship to the text is helpful at all. And I can guarantee you those who're grappling with how they feel towards the text now –– those feeling betrayed and angry –– will be quick to rally to support the victims because they're only feeling conflicted because of how disgusted they are with the author.

(For context, I don't feel attached to Gaiman at all so this is not related to any personal stakes I have in this. I enjoyed GO the show, but never read or watched any of his works otherwise. I was planning to get a copy of GO the book but the allegations surfaced first so that didn't end up happening either. I am partial to David and Michael's acting but even then I'm just a casual fan and if they react in a disappointing way to the Gaiman situation, I feel like I could stop consuming their works without much emotional turmoil.)

EDIT: since this is getting a fair bit of attention, i want to summarise my midnight ramble a bit: the crux of the problem is that lots of people treat this blogspace as a mega-conversation, which is how the 'you're not focussing on the victims enough' accusation come up. Think if you're in a conversation about how person A had been hurt by B: OF COURSE your response should be 'gosh that's fucked up. hope A's doing okay', and if your response ON THE SPOT is 'ohhhhh shit i don't know how to feel about the fact that I used to really like B lemme monologue about my complicated emotions out loud' then yeah you're the problem. But if you respond compassionately but spend a sizeable amount of time afterwards in your own head ruminating over how you used to think B was a really good person? ...then you're just a normal human being with a moral compass. Tumblr is the latter and not the former. It's the collection of dumping grounds for people's thoughts, not an online forum that give you a measure of where people's priorities are.

[victoria-daydreams]

The Winner Takes It All || Challengers

Part I: Sugar & Spice

AN: Oh my god, taking a 6 week summer course 0/10 don't recommend. Seriously, y'all I'm sorry this took so long, I've had assignments due every week and I still have 2 more weeks to go so it will be awhile before another update, but oh my gosh guys, thank you so goddamn much to everyone who liked, reblogged, and commented! This chapter is hella long so hopefully this will make up to you! I've never written a character that's messy nor have I written a toxic friendship so I'm praying that it's somewhat accurate.

Trigger warnings: It gets real hot and heavy by the end of the chapter so MDNI!

Word Count: 6.3k

Taglist: @seriousaliysa @hopeless-y @malscorner @miximora @urfavesim @mmmunson @jackierose902109 @youngestxhearts @blkdivinefeminine @kailkailz @lottiematthewsceo @lonnie2390147 @begoniaespresso @everdayimagineer @pnkstalli @softimgyu @amethystwonders11 @hazbinh0e @ysuftmikey @summerssoverover @hummusxx @callumturnerwife23 @whitewashedghanian @brunettegirl

I tried to tag everyone who commented, but tumblr is being weird so I don’t know if you’ll get the notification.

Part Two: Maneaters

THREE MONTHS EARLIER - MAY, 2006

For the past ten minutes, Gianna had done nothing but blankly stare up at the ceiling of her sun filled bedroom. Splayed out on the soft, gray carpet, she laid in the middle of the floor as "Girl" by Destiny's Child played quietly in the background. A slow release of air escaped her lips, a weak effort to calm her overwhelmed mind that was currently battling a maelstrom of emotions. Gianna lifted her head up from the carpet and looked to her right.

"Maybe I was too hasty with breaking up with Drew," she remarked, a note of doubt creeping into her voice and tainting her usual confidence.

A small, thoughtful frown creasing her features before letting her head drop back on the floor with a soft thud.

"Are you fucking kidding me, Gia?"

Gianna wasn’t alone in her bedroom. Glancing sideways, her gaze landed on waves of brunette hair, warm golden skin, and nude plump lips. Tashi’s and Gianna’s heads laid beside one another, their bodies sprawled in the opposite direction.

"He was not worthy of any of your attention," Tashi stated, a sneer curling her lips. "Drew failed to realize who was the prize in your relationship," she added

For Gianna and Tashi, this was not an uncommon occurrence, lying side-by-side on the floor of Gianna's bedroom discussing tennis or boys. But, it was this aspect of their friendship that raised more than a few people's eyebrows, including both of their parents. Tashi exerted an unhealthy amount of influence over Gianna's love life. Gianna could probably count on one hand the amount of boyfriends she dumped based solely on Tashi’s input. There was always some type of flaw, big or small, which Tashi would zero in on to determine whether or not if a boy was right for Gianna. And was that oh so terrible?

Tashi was only looking out for her friend, weeding out the bad apples until Gianna meets the perfect guy. However, deep down they both know there was never going to be a boy that would meet Tashi's ever changing standards. There was no point, not when Tashi Duncan was the standard by which all boys would be judged and there was no one comparable to her, she was the cream of the crop.

"Drew's a little forgetful, but there could be worst qualities in a boyfriend," Gianna said airily.

"He's a future CTE candidate, Gia," Tashi said flatly. "How many matches did Drew 'forget' to come to?"

"He has his own football games and practices he has to attend," Gianna excused.

Tashi scoffed, "Doing what, riding the bench?" she retorted. "You need a boy who’s utterly devoted to you, worships the ground you step on," Tashi reasoned.

Gianna let out a dry, breathy laugh which sounded more like an exhale of air. Turning her head, she looked back up at the ceiling with her hands resting on her stomach.

"That's the difference between you me and Tash," Gianna began, looking back over to her. "I don’t want to be deified by a boy," she revealed, shaking her head.

"Why? Is it because my devotion is enough for you?" Tashi questioned, a smirk on her lips.

"Yeah, something like that," Gianna answered, her own lips quirking upwards.

"Hey," Tashi called, raising her pinky finger. "Pinky promise boys won"t come between us,"

"Easiest promise to keep," Gianna said, lifting up her pinky finger. "I promise boys will not come between us," she swore, hooking her finger with Tashi's.

Tilting her head forward, Tashi pressed a kiss to Gianna's forehead.

"We don't need them anyway, not when we have each other,"

~~~x~~~

There was nothing but Gianna's breathing and her music blasting as she tuned out the world. Her feet barely touched the ground as her arms pumped quickly back and forth at her side. It was a beautiful day for a morning run, the sky cerulean blue, littered with a few wispy clouds. Gianna's skin was hot and flushed, and sweat beaded at her hairline; the hot, humid summer air biting at her lungs. Luckily, a faint breeze kept off the worst of the heat.

As the notes of "If" by Janet Jackson came to end, Gianna had finished her run. Her pace slowed to a jog, then to a walking pace with her eyes closed, catching her breath.

"On your left,"

Gianna's eyes popped open to see a familiar, strawberry blond haired boy next to her, his tennis gear resting on his shoulder. A breathy chuckle left Gianna as the beat of "I Wanna Be Down" floated into her ears. Pausing the iPod tucked away in her arm band, she removed her earbud on her left side.

"Hey you!" Gianna greeted, smiling at Art and coming to a stop.

"Hey Gianna," he greeted back, with a shy smile of his own. "I didn't expect to see you out here until later on at the match," he commented.

"Oh, why is that?"

"I figured you'd be resting from your match yesterday," Art replied. "It's well earned after all,"

Gianna gave a small, amused huff, "It couldn't be any clearer that you have not met father yet," she joked, shaking her head. "This is punishment for losing to Irina in the semifinals," she explained, shrugging her shoulders.

Art frowned slightly, "That's not really fair," he remarked, adjusting his grip on his bag. "A line call decided your match," he pointed out.

"Yeah, well, if I played smarter and better, then it wouldn't have," Gianna countered easily. "My dad believes the same," she added, crossing her arms together.

"Your dad takes your tennis career pretty seriously, it's admirable," Art commented. "Most parents would just treat it as expensive hobby,"

"I hope he would he would take it serious, he is my coach after all," Gianna revealed, watching Art's eyes slightly widen in surprise.

"Guess that explains why you didn't want Patrick and I to walk you back last night," Art noted. "You were already past your curfew, but then to show up with two boys by your side…" he trailed off, sucking his teeth . "I'm sure that would’ve made for a fun conversation," he joked.

"Trust me, my dad would've gotten creative with his workout plan had the three of us shown up together," she assured. "You headed to the stadium?" she asked, nodding her head at his gear.

"Yeah, gotta start preparing for the big match today," he answered.

"Mind if I walk with you there? It would be a great cool down for me,"

"As if I would say no to Gianna Langdon," Art responded, grinning at her.

Walking alongside each other, the two of them found themselves consumed in idle chit chat. Art was an only child, Gianna was the youngest of four siblings. He started playing tennis because his parents took him to a match, she began playing because her father withdrew her from ballet after he saw her play one match of rec tennis. Art was born and raised in Upstate New York, Gianna was raised on a ranch in New Orleans most of her life until moving to California.

"I've always wanted to meet a real life cowgirl," he teased.

They drifted into a brief, companionable silence for a moment before a thought occurred to Gianna. She turned her head in Art's direction, smiling a little.

"So, a little birdie told me, this is a high stakes match today," Gianna mentioned, a knowing smirk on her lips.

"You could say that," he agreed sheepishly, his face instantly flushing.

"I also heard that some fun was had last night," Gianna hinted, mischief dancing in her eyes.

Art's face reddened deeper, "We did..."

"A shame I had to miss it, but you know what they say," Gianna began, interlocking her fingers behind her back. "Three's a party, four is a crowd," she quoted, with a small shrug.

"Not with you it wouldn't have been," Art disagreed quickly, looking over at her.

His intense eyes stared at her, through her. With it being daylight, Gianna could now fully appreciate how striking his eyes were. One was blue, while the other was partially brown and blue. Gianna let a bashful laugh, looking ahead to escape Art's gaze while pointedly ignoring the warmth blossoming within her. In the distance, the Arthur Ashe Stadium was peeking over the horizon.

"Hey Gianna," Art called, as the two stopped at the gates of the Billie Jean King Tennis Center.

"Yeah?"

"I’ve got a question for you that I’ve been dying ask you," Art said, both turning to face each other.

"Ask away," she answered, with a chuckle.

Art glanced down at the Gianna, completely towering over her.

"Why didn't you and Tashi compete in the girls duo this year?" Art questioned. "You two would've mopped the floor with your competition as you usually do," he remarked, a small, exhaling laugh leaving him.

"Well, I couldn’t do the girls singles, the mixed doubles, and girls doubles all at the same time. It would’ve been a scheduling nightmare, not to mention downright exhausting, so a decision had to be made," she explained, mindlessly twirling her earbud around in small circles.

"And Tashi decided—"

Her earbud twirling ceased, "Tashi, didn't decide anything. I did," Gianna corrected sharply, feeling a vein pulse at her temple.

Irritation threatened to surface on her face, but Gianna managed to keep her composure. It was that, the implication that she was not capable of making her own decisions as a player without Tashi being her invisible, guiding hand. Momentarily, neither of them said anything. Art's eyes flicked over her face, as if studying her expression.

"What is he looking for?"

"Oh my god, I've offended you, haven't I?" Art realized, breaking the silence. "I'm sorry," he apologized.

"Apology accepted, though I shouldn't have been short with you either," Gianna replied, folding her arms together. "But, you see how you just automatically assumed it was Tashi, when it was me who didn’t want to do it?" she pointed out, sighing tiredly. "It's for that exact reason why I wanted to pursue mixed doubles this year," she went on. "I love Tashi to pieces, but as a tennis player, I needed space from her this tournament," she explained, unfolding her arms to gesture with her hands by pulling them away from one another.

"I really didn’t mean to be the cause of a sore subject," Art promised, sincerity ringing in every word.

A half smile appeared on her face, "Art, I just met you 24 hours ago, you didn't cause this,” Gianna reassured, with a dismissive wave. "No, this year I had a point to prove to silence both my haters and critics," she informed, nodding to herself.

"And what point was that?"

"That I couldn't win without Tashi Duncan by my side," Gianna answered, her eyes unconsciously narrowing in the corners.

"Well, I think you shut them up pretty definitively this tournament," Art said, laughing gently. "You won the mixed doubles championship while essentially playing two on one the entire time," he quipped.

She chuckled, "Maybe," Gianna agreed. "However, I didn't get the chance to face Tashi in singles, winning against her and being crowned the girls singles US Open Champion would've been the ultimate 'fuck you' to those who doubt me," she finished, lightly laughing.

"Had you won against Irina, you think you could've beat Tashi?"”" Art asked.

Gianna contemplated his question, briefly casting her eyes downward while toeing the ground with her sneaker. Her mind flash backed to when she was 15 years old, the bellowing war cry that pierced the air from her when she beat Tashi in the Southern California Junior Sectional Championship. A career-defining moment for Gianna, putting her name on the map once and for all and also signaling that Tashi Duncan was not untouchable as most people wanted to believe.

Gianna's eyes focused back on Art, "I do think I could’ve actually," she said, her mouth quirking up just a tiny bit. "Tashi has beaten me several times, but I also have won against her a handful of times too," she continued, rocking a little back and forth on her feet.

"And what does that feel like, beating Tashi Duncan?" Art questioned, slightly leaning closer to her like they were sharing a secret, but his voice was still loud enough for any passerby to hear.

Gianna let a few seconds pass in silence, a thoughtful expression crossing her face. To win against Tashi was akin to eating caviar, it was a rarity and must be savored. It was Gianna's own kind of adrenaline rush, that feeling of euphoric confidence which she swore got more intense after each victory. This brought a full blown smirk, not of arrogance, but pride on Gianna's features.

"Like David slaying Goalith," she responded, triumphantly. "Although, every time I win against Tashi, I don't know things get….weird between us. Sometimes it's only for a few hours, other times it’s the entire day," she remarked, shaking her head. "This never happens when I lose to her, I mean losing is apart of the game. But with her, it's like she can't believe she lost…" Gianna trailed off.

"To me,"

This mere thought bothered her. It was only a hunch, but it was not for the first time this lurking suspicion wormed itself into the back of her mind. Her own mother implied it, that perhaps, their friendship dynamic was not built upon the sturdiest of foundations. Gianna's parents didn't get it though, Tashi was her only friend that really understood her, pushed her to be her best. Her dominant motivation in playing tennis. Tashi was the one where she could always rely on, no matter what. So, until she had any concrete proof, Gianna would continue to deny that notion.

"Gianna?"

Her eyes snapped back to Art, a light summer breeze blew sending a few strands of his curls across his face. The effortless charm he possessed, Gianna could almost guarantee he was unaware he was using it.

Gianna shook her head a little, "I'm sorry, went into a trance there," she apologized, with an embarrassed chuckle. "Must be the run catching up to me," she claimed. "I've wasted enough of your time, you have a match to prepare for," she reminded.

"Hey, there's no such thing as time wasted when talking with you, Gianna," Art corrected. "Who are you betting on today, me or Patrick?" he asked.

"I'm not a betting woman," Gianna quipped. "May the best player win today," she wished. "And for all I know, I may be staring right at them," she commented.

"Maybe," Art echoed.

~~~x~~~

Jogging up the bleachers to the tennis court, Gianna's Vans clanged against the metallic steps with each step, her skort swishing around her legs and her braids dancing across her shoulders. All around her, spectators cheered loudly in the stands as they all awaited for the the boys singles championship match to begin. Gianna strolled towards the center row, greeted by a cheerful Tashi who stood up from her seat once she saw her friend approach from a distance.

"You left me," Gianna greeted, with a fake pout.

"You were taking too long," Tashi retorted playfully, guiding Gianna to sit next to her.

"Yeah, because I was forced to go on a run this morning," Gianna reminded, laughing while pulling her braids back into a half up half down style.

"I got up early too Gia, to go hit around on the court. The only difference between you and I, is that you got sidetracked," she pointed out.

Gianna turned in her seat, "Sidetracked?" she repeated dryly.

"Yes, sidetracked," Tashi affirmed, shifting to face her. "I saw you and Art this morning on my way back from the courts," she said. "You two, however, were to engrossed in your conversation to notice me," she teased, but there was an edge to her voice.

Cocking her head to the side, Gianna chuckled and reached to lightly grasp Tashi's chin in between her forefinger and thumb.

Gianna leaned forward, their noses almost brushing, "Aww, is someone jealous there's another being blessed with my attention?" she teased back, squeezing Tashi's cheeks lightly.

Tashi shook herself free of Gianna's hand with a smirk of her own.

"Babe, come on, I'm just trying to protect your heart," Tashi informed, rolling her eyes in faux exasperation. "You just got out of a relationship, I don't want you to potentially dive head first into another is all," she explained, shrugging her shoulders.

She nodded her head, "Oh, is that right?" Gianna questioned, a bright smile on her face, but a challenging glint in her eyes.

Suddenly, a man over the speakers announced the names of the two contenders in the championship match. Both Tashi and Gianna turned to the court, watching Patrick and Art walk out before drop their gear down on their respective benches.

"Oh my God! Sugar and Spice! Can I please take a picture with you two?"

Gianna's eyes flitted from the court and to the right of her where an adoring fan stood.

"Why, of course!" Gianna exclaimed, waving the girl over. "Tashi, you take the picture, you have the longest arm out of all of us," she stated.

After posing for the photo and signing an autograph for the fan for good measure, Gianna refocused her attention to the boys below. Instantly, she met two pairs of eyes looking back at her and Patrick raised his racket in Tashi and Gianna's direction with a cocky grin. From the corner of her vision, she could see Tashi playfully roll her eyes at Patrick while applauding with the rest of the crowd. Not wanting Art to be left out, Gianna sent a small wave to him which Tashi mirrored, both flashing smiles at him. At this, Art beamed, giving them a brilliant grin as he waved back.

Gianna softly nudged Tashi in the side, "Ignoring your spying—" she began, but Tashi's light scoff interrupted her. "You should know, because I love you so much, that I made sure to put the cherry on top on this match so you can watch some 'real fuckin tennis' today," she informed, lazily looking over to her friend.

"How?" she asked, raising her brow.

"I told Art that I might be looking at the best player after wishing him good luck," Gianna divulged, her lips curling upwards. "I'm sure he relayed that message to Patrick in the spirit of competitiveness," she reasoned smugly, crossing one leg over the other. "Not only are they playing for our numbers, now they're playing to see who I’ll crown as best," she added.

Tashi laid her hand on Gianna's knee, "I could fucking kiss you," she said lowly, squeezing her knee.

A mix of admiration and a hint of hunger sparkled in Tashi's eyes.

"If only, but I don't think Adidas would approve of that," coy smile on her lips

The match began with Patrick being awarded first serve. Bouncing the ball off the blue grass court twice, the brunette lifted his racket to serve it in the non traditional way Gianna has come to know him by. Patrick struck the ball with a resounding pop, as a flash neon yellow went whizzing across the court to Art's side.

He returned the serve with equal force, lobbing it back over the net. In Patrick fashion, he made a big show of returning the hit; a curved shot which flew past Art, who lost his foot and slid a little trying to get to it.

"15-love,"

Immediately, Patrick looked over at the two girls for approval, looking pleased with himself while Art on the other hand gave a look that Gianna could only be described as despair. It went on like that for several minutes, each point scored their heads would whip over to Gianna and Tashi to gauge their reactions, until the boys gradually forgot all about them and did what everyone came here to watch them do. Play some fucking tennis.

Gianna couldn't recall the last time two people looked so hot playing tennis outside of her and Tashi, but Patrick and Art were quickly putting that belief to bed. With every hit that Art made, Patrick would return it with ease. Any advantage that Patrick gained, Art would neutralize it. Their grunts, oh god, don't even let Gianna get started on the grunts echoing in the air, it was the fucking sexiest thing ever to grace her ears. Her body reacted on its own to the sounds, her thighs pressing tighter together against each other than before. Gianna prayed that Tashi hasn’t noticed her reaction yet, but she had an inkling she had because Tashi's grip on her knee had grown in strength.

Another grunt pushed itself past Patrick's lips as he smacked the tennis ball back to Art's side. The impact reverberated in the stadium as Art was able to smoothly counter the shot with a topspin of his, but Patrick came with a drop shot. Sprinting, Art rushed forward to return the ball, but It lands on the ground, his racket only inches away from reaching it.

Patrick Zweig had done it, he was getting Tashi Duncan's and Gianna Langdon's numbers. The dark haired boy turned in their direction and dropped into bow as the girls gave him applause for his performance.

"That was such a godamn good match," Gianna commented, looking at Tashi.

"You see what we were capable of bringing out of them?" Tashi said proudly.

"Ugh, our power!" Gianna exclaimed, a giggle bubbling out of her as Tashi stuck her pinky out for Gianna to link with. A wordless promise between them and Gianna did it without having to think about it.

"Come on, let’s go congratulate the victor," Tashi instructed, standing up and extending her hand out.

Placing her hand in Tashi's, Gianna rose to her feet and two walked away, descending down the bleachers.

"You go on ahead," Gianna replied, coming down the last step. "I'll catch up," she added.

"Hmm," Tashi hummed, her eyes scanning over her in curiosity before leaving towards the exit.

Going in the opposite direction, Gianna made her way back to tennis court and walked to the fence separating the stands and the court. As she approached the fence, she saw Art gathering his gear a bit rougher than necessary.

"On your left!" Gianna called, walking alongside the fence.

Art froze what he was doing and snapped his head up to look in her direction. Instantly, Gianna watched the tension in his shoulders lessen slightly and his jaw unclench.

A small smile tugged at his lips, "Hey you," Art answered, repeating her own words from earlier.

"That was a good match, Donaldson," Gianna complimented, bearing her arms on top of the warm metal.

"Yeah, for Patrick maybe," Art replied, moving closer to the fence. "Seeing how he won the championship and…" he trailed off, now standing in front her.

"Our numbers," Gianna finished.

"Aren't you supposed to be giving that to him, like right now?" Art wondered, attempting to be lighthearted about the situation.

"I like building anticipation, it makes it all the more fun," Gianna joked, causing Art let out a genuine laugh and her smile widened from the sound of it.

"I'm sorry that you were not staring at the best player today, Gianna," Art apologized, his chin dipping a little as he looked down at the ground.

"Hey," she called softly.

Boldly, Gianna reached out to him, using her thumb and index finger to gently lift his chin back up. Her eyes gazed at Art's porcelain neck, as his Adam's apple bobbed up and down at her gesture. Gianna glanced back up at him, his eyes already staring deeply into hers.

"Not today, maybe," she whispered. "But in the future, possibly," she encouraged, feeling his breath fan out shakily against her hand.

"Oh Gianna!"

The sound of Patrick's voice echoing from within the stadium concourse caused her to whip her head around, her fingers falling from Art's chin.

"Can't have spice without sugar!" he yelled.

She smiled, "Coming!" Gianna yelled back, before facing forward again. "I gotta go, see you around?" she asked, a hopeful look in her eyes.

Art's eyes darted to her lips, but just as quickly as he did, his eyes found hers. The action didn't go unnoticed by Gianna.

"Yeah,” Art answered, a dazed, blissful smile on his face.

Beaming one last time at him, she spun on her heel and jogged back to the entrance of the concourse where Patrick was already waiting for her, leaning against the wall.

"For the record, I want you to know that was the corniest joke I've ever heard, Zweig," Gianna informed, stopping in front of him as he effortlessly pushed himself off the wall.

"It made you laugh though, didn't it?" Patrick countered easily, taking a hold of her hand as if it was second nature to him.

Gianna could only laugh, letting herself be led away from the bleachers.

~~~x~~~

The Juniors US Open was officially over and Gianna could confidently say playing there was the greatest moments of her life. She glanced back at the Arthur Ashe Stadium that she had passed by only a few minutes prior.

"One day, I’ll be playing in there and the world will know my name," she thought.

Gianna had barely taken two steps from where she stopped when two sets of footsteps fast approaching behind her.

"Gianna!"

"Gianna!"

She stopped mid step, her lips curling into a smirk knowing who was behind her. Spinning around, she was greeted with a slightly winded Art and Patrick.

"Hi boys," Gianna greeted warmly, crossing her arms against her chest.

"So, Patrick and I got to thinking about—" Art began.

"It's your last day in New York," Patrick interrupted, but Art didn’t seem to mind as he nodded his head along to Patrick. "What are you going to do?" he asked curiously.

"You know you could've texted me this?" Gianna pointed out.

"I prefer taking advantage of seeing and speaking to you face to face," Patrick reasoned, which brought a bashful smile to her face.

"I haven't decided yet," Gianna said, finally answering his question.

"You and Tashi don't have plans together already?" Art questioned.

"No, she's spending time with her family before they all go out to dinner," she explained. "So, it'll just be little oh me, by myself today," she mentioned.

"By yourself? Where are your parents?" Patrick questioned.

"I convinced them to have a night on the town, just the two of them. They deserve it," she replied, with a shrug when idea popped into her mind. "You know, my hotel has a pool. You should come," Gianna invited, eyes dancing between them.

"Me?" both boys asked in unison, pointing to themselves.

"Both of you," she clarified with a giggle. "It's not a pack of beer, but I think we can still manage to have some fun" she said.

"What about potentially having to play of 21 questions with your dad because of the two, random white boys by your side?" Art recalled, smiling at her.

Gianna looked over her shoulders before turning back to face them, "I don't my see dad anywhere, do you?" she asked, watching a grin grow on Patrick's lips.

"No I don't,"

"That's what I thought," Gianna agreed. "My hotel at four o'clock, be there or be square," she warned teasingly.

"We didn’t pack swim trunks," Art remarked, the realization dawning on him.

"Oh," Gianna breathed. "Well, I guess another time then," she suggested, going to turn around but stopping once she heard the protests coming from their lips.

"What, wait—"

"I'm sure we can think of something,"

Laughing, she looked back at them, "So, I'll see you there?" Gianna questioned, and the boys nodded eagerly. "I'll text you the address, Patrick, and one more thing," she said.

"Yes," they answered simultaneously.

"My friends call me, Gia,"

~~~x~~~

The moment the doors to the elevator opened up to Gianna's floor, the three of them took off. Running down the hallway, laughing and giggling as they raced each other to her door. Gianna was sure the guests below her and the ones who shared the floor would not be pleased with their heavy footsteps bounding across the floor, but did she really care at the moment, no.

"Ha!" she exclaimed, reaching the door first.

"I let you win, actually," Patrick claimed, coming in just behind her.

She rolled her eyes, "Sure, whatever you say," Gianna said sarcastically, grabbing her key card. "Did you let me win too, Art?" she asked, sticking the card into the door.

"It's the gentlemanly thing to do, after all, it is ladies first,"

"Oh fuck off," she laughed.

The door unlocked with a quiet click and she removed the card and pushed it open. Entering the room, the boys followed Gianna into the bright, airy space. Immediately, a shiver ran down her spine, her muscles tensing from the air conditioner blasting.

"God, it's freezing!" she hissed, wrapping her arms around herself.

"Here," Patrick offered quickly, shaking off the stripped linen shirt he was wearing.

He held out his shirt for her to put on. Smiling graciously, turned around Gianna slipped her arms through the sleeves.

"Better?" Patrick murmured, his nose grazing against the shell of her ear.

"Much," she confirmed, smirking to herself.

"I can turn off the AC for you," Art volunteered, scrambling from the door to the other side of the room where the unit was.

"Boys are too fucking easy," Gianna thought.

"Oh, I don't know what I’d do without you two," she teased, unwrapping her towel from her waist. "I'll be right back guys," she informed, walking into the bathroom and shutting the door.

Tossing the towel onto the edge of the tub, Gianna stared at her reflection. Her dark brown eyes almost twinkled in mischief as a sudden, bubbling snicker burst forth from her lips. Gianna clasped a hand over her mouth to muffle the sound, shaking her head in amusement at her current situation.

"Holy shit, I cannot believe this is working," she whispered.

Tashi had told her the two boys were egregiously horny, but seeing it in person made it ten times funnier. She had been teasing the moment they got to the pool.

"You think you can help put sunscreen on my back?" Gianna asked, holding out the lotion over her shoulder without looking.

Behind her, she heard loud shuffling before feeling the lounge chair she sat in dip on each side of her.

"You two don't have to fight over the honor," Gianna said, giggling at their antics. "As they say, teamwork makes the dream work," she quoted, before feeling the bottle be pulled from her grasp.

"Y-yeah, sure Gia!" Art said quickly, stumbling over his words.

Sitting up straight, Gianna heard the sunscreen cap crack open and expected to feel the coolness of the cream against her skin soon after. Instead, nothing.

"They're fucking ogling at just the mere sight of my back," she thought.

A devilish grin grew on her face.

"Boys, I'm waiting," Gianna sang playfully.

"Huh?"

"Oh, sorry,"

They both nervously laughed a little. To her right, Art slowly placed his hand against Gianna's shoulder, running his palm up and down against her skin to spread the sunscreen. Patrick's fingers slid down her left shoulder blade, alternating between quick movements to spread out the lotion or rubbing deeply along her spine to massage her muscles.

"Ah, thank you boys, you’re doing so well," Gianna praised, as Art's and Patrick’' continued gliding over her back.

Grinning to herself, Gianna stared out across the pool area behind the square frames of her sunglasses. The excited screams of children playing in the water rung through the air, while a decent handful of parents and teenagers sat poolside. Unexpectedly, Gianna locked eyes with two girls across the pool, one blonde and one brunette. Pushing her glasses down slightly, she wordlessly arched a challenging brow at them, maintaining eye contact. Gianna smirked watching as their expressions morphed into a mixture of jealousy and disgust.

Gianna knew why they were staring at her, boys like Patrick and Art were not supposed to be fawning over a girl that looked like her.

The feeling of fingers along her waist and against the small of her back, snapped Gianna from her musings. They precariously close to her bottom and she gently swatted their hands away before they could reach it.

"You two were such wonderful helpers," Gianna complimented, sighing sweetly.

Slipping on a pair of thin shorts, Gianna exited from the bathroom and walked over to the suite living room where Patrick and Art were seated on the couch.

"You know, you could've turned the TV on. You two didn't have to sit in awkward silence," Gianna informed, now standing in front of the with a smile. They let out an embarrassed chuckle as Art's leg began to anxiously bounce up and down. Gianna cocked her head at the sight. "Why are you bouncing your leg, Art? What's got you so nervous?" she questioned curiously, still wearing a smile.

Art only giggled and shrugged his shoulders, "I-I don't know," he stuttered, gazing up at her.

"Well," she began, raising her foot up from the floor. "Stop," she demanded, placing her foot right above his knee. Art froze mid bounce and Gianna watched him visibly swallow. "You're making me nervous," she said, and Art vigorously nodded his head. Gianna shifted her stare to Patrick and he straightened up his posture. "Patrick," she called, batting her eyelashes.

"Yes," he responded, a goofy smile on his face.

"As you said earlier today, it's my last day in New York," Gianna said, smoothly lifting her foot from Art's leg and plopping down onto the couch in the empty space between them. "Wanna make out?" she asked boldly, with a playful and daring smile.

"Fuck, do I ever," Patrick answered quickly, a groan leaving him.

Leaning toward him, Gianna let her lips brush against the corner of Patrick's mouth and almost by instinct his hand came to rest on her hip. Breaths mingling in soft pants, Gianna stared up at him through her eyelashes and he surged forward, pressing his lips fully against hers. A soft, surprised moan escaped Gianna as his lips devoured her own, but she responded just as eagerly. Her tongue dueling with his in a sensual dance for dominance. Gianna's fingers threaded themselves in the hair at the nape of his neck, holding Patrick in place as their kiss only deepened. His hand roamed up and down her leg, squeezing appreciatively at the flesh as he went.

His touches set her body aflame with heat, caused little noises to leave her mouth and she pulled away needing air, or else he was going to kiss her dizzy. Their lips barely parted and Gianna breathed out a laugh and Patrick joined her, his sounding almost giddy. She turned to Art who staring at her with the biggest puppy eyes, desperately wanting to be played with. Without hesitation, she guided his mouth onto hers and the noise that left Art was probably the filthiest sound she's ever heard. The deepest moan left him and it reverberated through her entire body.

Teasingly, Gianna bit down on Art's bottom lip pulling it towards her and another groan from Art. He brought his hand up to her neck, cradling her jaw as her tongue lapped at his. This time, there was not a battle for dominance, almost immediately Art allowed Gianna to take control as his other hand ran up and down her thigh. The sudden sensation of warm breath fanning the slope of Gianna's neck, followed by a pair of lips gently kissing down her neck made her moan hotly into Art's mouth.

Leaning back into Patrick, his hands reached around her back and cupped his hand around her breast and squeezed. Another high pitch moan was drawn from Gianna, which Art readily swallowed as their kiss turned greedier as. She trailed her down his chest, caressing his pecs and lightly trailing her fingers down his abs. Her hand found its way to the waistband of Art's shorts and slipped underneath.

Then, Art released the loudest, guttural moan known to man, his face falling into the crook of Gianna's neck.

"O-oh…fuck, Gia,"

Her hand had found his stiff member, and wrapped her fingers around it. Art inhaled sharply as she tightened her grip, placing desperate, feverish kisses to her neck just as she began to move up and down the length of him.

Not a second later, the shrill ringing of her phone playing a distinct ringtone made Gianna jerk away from Art causing pathetic whimpers to escape from him.

"Shit, that’s my mom calling," Gianna informed breathily, her eyes almost fluttering close due to Patrick's continued ministrations.

He kissed her neck lightly, switching between his tongue or his teeth to nip graze the sensitive area.

"So ignore her," Patrick suggested simply.

Art murmured his agreement, mouthing kisses along the length of her throat. Rolling her eyes, Gianna untangled herself from both of them, pushing Patrick's hands from her body and removing her own from Art's.

She hopped up from the couch, much to the displeasure of both Art and Patrick, verbally making it known by their groans of frustration.

"You two have two, have to go," she stated firmly, her finger moving back forth between them.

"Are they even back from dinner?" Patrick asked incredulously.

"No," Gianna answered, and Patrick threw his hands up in disbelief. "But my mom told me she would call to let me know when they were on their back, and I now know," she said, placing her hands on her hips.

"You're really making us go home?"

"You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here,"

"Gia, come on I-I cant go out like this," Art said, glancing down at the obvious boner poking through his shorts.

"You are today," she retorted, shrugging off Patrick's shirt. She tossed it to Art, hitting him square in the chest. "Here, wear this, tie it around your waist," she instructed, making Patrick snicker.

The next few minutes involved Art trying to will his boner away, but it was losing cause, much to Patrick's amusement before Gianna shuffled them out the door. Just as she was about to close her door, Patrick's hand stopped it.

"Hang on,"

"What Patrick?"

His answer came in the form of him swiftly ducking down to kiss her one last time. Gianna pulled away from the kiss first, placing a hand on his chest.

"Go!" she urged, with a laugh as she pushed him away.

Patrick retreated with a pout and walked away from her door with Art by his side, sending one last boyish grin over his shoulder. Closing the door, Gianna leaned back against the door with the biggest smile.

God, this really was the best Juniors US Open in more ways than one.

Part III: The First Crack

[sixosix]

hiii i fear tumblr may have ate my ask so i'll say it again just in case--if not im so sorry please ignore this i don't mean to rush you or anything :')

wanderer, candy(does that count?), fluff!! :D

(oh oh also can i be 🪐anon/saturn anon? if not thats fine! i just thought i'd ask since i think i've been sending asks consistently enough to identify myself ^^)

notes wc 800; HII your ask wasnt eaten, i was just taking a long time writing the requests LMFAO. of course u can be saturn anon!!! welcome welcome to the blog (this ask was sent a month ago and i am very much late. idek if anon is still active here…) tbh i wrote this and just went with the flow HAHA

5K EVENT SPECIAL | EVENT MASTERLIST

You unceremoniously dump the pile of imported goods on the table, causing quite a scene in the silence of the House of Daena. They scattered about, and some even clattered onto the floor. You grinned proudly at your friends’ dumbfounded stares.

Tighnari was the first to speak. “I’m assuming you had fun on your vacation in Inazuma?”

“Do you even have money left?” Alhaitham asked, quite incredulously. The most emotion you’ve seen from this month.

It took you a moment to respond, and you felt momentarily distracted by the strange sensation of being watched. “Well, no,” you said eventually. “But I bought all this for you guys! Be more grateful, will you?”

Kaveh clapped his hands. “This is incredible! I haven’t gotten the chance to try any of these local delicacies from Inazuma!”

You nodded approvingly. See? Was that so hard? “Yes, I know. Aren’t I such a good friend? You’re welcome, all of you.”

Belatedly, they mutter their thanks.

You went on a tangent, reciting the food sales pitch you memorized from the sellers, feeling remarkably intelligent. They didn’t have to know that, half the time, you were the personification of a lost tourist/foreigner/idiot in Inazuma and just decided to play it safe and keep most of the souvenirs as food.

They segregated their wanted share and thanked you again. They left you some of the candy, which you had no qualms about eating for yourself. As you all fell into the lull of a conversation, the feeling worsened, and you’ve had enough.

You turned to your friends. “He’s been staring at me for about 30 minutes now…”

They each cast their discreet glances.

“Are you scared?” Kaveh asked worriedly.

“Look at that look in his eye!” you said. “I’ve seen that same look in Rishboland Tigers!”

“He’s not going to eat you,” Tighnari sighed. Well, he wouldn’t know that. Only Alhaitham has met Hat Guy, and he seemed to be amused instead.

“Violence is not permitted in the Akademiya grounds,” Cyno said seriously.

“Maybe it’s not you he’s looking at…?” Tighnari tried.

“Cyno, switch with me,” you ordered.

Wordlessly, he obeyed. The group watched in disbelief as Hat Guy’s gaze simply moved to where you sat next. He wasn’t even trying to hide it.

“Maybe he’s interested because it’s a candy imported from Inazuma,” Cyno supplied thoughtfully.

“That’s a good point. I’m surprised you didn’t make a p—”

“Don’t you mean—” Cyno held up the box that displayed the Inazuman Electro symbol on the front, “shocked?”

You hung your head. You spoke too soon. “OK.”

Tighnari watched your face for a long moment, but it didn’t feel as charged as the guy sitting a few tables away. “You don’t seem to hate the attention,” he concluded at the sight your giddy smile.

“No, I really don’t,” you admitted sheepishly. “He’s smart, and he’s handsome. Of course I’m interested. I just wish he would be a bit more normal about his flirting—if he’s even flirting. Should I give him some?”

You didn’t wait for an answer as your chair scraped backward and you faced Hat Guy directly.

“Make sure it’s just the candy you’re giving!” Kaveh called out.

“I see that Sparks are flying,” Cyno said.

Walking over while you held his gaze was excessively awkward, but it was worthwhile seeing Hat Guy’s little smirk grow like he was pleased you were taking his challenge. It was a bit of a problem, however, that he was undeniably attractive. If he was cute from afar, he was drop-dead gorgeous up close.

“Y/N,” you said, in place of a greeting.

“They call me Hat Guy,” he mused. “Those from Inazuma?”

“Yes.” Suddenly embarrassed that the bullshit you were spewing was picked up on by the guy who everyone was pretty sure was born in Inazuma. “Did you hear me?”

Hat Guy shrugged, plucking one candy from the pile on your hands. “You did pretty well. But I only have one criticism, and I can tell you bought most of them from the same place.”

Ah, you did do that. He tore off the plastic and popped it into his mouth, expression turning sour. “The best ones come from the locals. You should’ve asked the kids,” he advised.

Mouth dry, you said, “Yeah, I should’ve.”

Everyone told you that the mysterious new student—Hat Guy, you now learned—was prickly and slips off when someone approaches him. His birthday was apparently a very thrilling event—in the case that everyone had to hunt him down to give him his cake.

“Want a tip?” he asked, head tilted and looking entirely pretty. His tongue rolled around as he ate his—your candy.

“You seem to know best.”

“Take me with you next time.”

[bill-gates-hate-blog]

2024 was a ...challenging year, to say the least. To be frank, I experienced some of the worst things that can happen to anybody, at least insofar as interpersonal relationships. I've been on the receiving end of unbelievable amounts of misogyny and victim blaming from people I trusted, or had assumed were good people, to put it very lightly. People I had known for almost 12 years, at this point. I'm 24. That's half my life.

I'm not a person who generally likes to post things in a sincere way, at least not when it comes to stuff like this. I tend to joke about my own abuse a lot, and I've also made some angry vent posts on here when everything first started going down. I'm all about the art of Posting, even though I'm not very good at it. Sincerity is something I reserve for my friends.

Why share this at all? It's mostly for me, as a capstone to the old year. Symbolic, in a way. Talking about it brings me peace. But it could also help somebody else.

Trigger warnings for SA, emotional abuse, suicidal ideation... all that good stuff.

Earlier this year, in April, I was sexually assaulted by a close friend. We had been flirting on and off for about a year at that point, but I had rapidly grown uncomfortable with it.

He had a girlfriend. A girlfriend who I didn't want to harm, even though I would never have described us as the best of friends.

She was asexual, you see. And this guy...obviously could not handle it well. I think some ace/allo couples can make it work. This guy was obviously not capable of that.

You see, unbeknownst to me at the time, long before he started hitting on me, I had been a dumping ground for his abuse. Whenever his girlfriend didn't live up to the insane pedestal he had put her on, He would take it out on me. Not in romantic contexts, mind you.

I joined this website in 2015, at the age of 15. Fun fact, I didn't have consistent access to the internet, then or before. My parents would shut off the wifi whenever they saw fit, to punish us--even if we needed if for school projects. Overly restrictive at best.

Tumblr was my first real social media presence, and I had irl friends on the site (love you soph). It was also the first time I could talk to or contact anybody outside of school or orchestra rehearsals or whatnot. I had no phone, no way to plan hangouts with my friends, and to be frank, I couldn't spend time with anybody unless they invited me somewhere. My family's house is so desperately messy that we couldn't invite people over. Even now, I come home for Christmas and I have to pick one room to clean before I get exhausted. I come back three weeks later and it's messy again.

Tumblr was also the first platform on which he abused me. Mind you, he wasn't here as a Blogger or anything. He made his Tumblr just to communicate with me, because I was so isolated from my friends by my lack of a phone.

You see, my friend had horrendous depression when we were in high school. It was, I now realize, something that was comorbid with his EXTREMELY undiagnosed narcissistic personality disorder (as well as unmedicated ADHD.) Part of the reason he had acquired a girlfriend at this time, he'd tell me a few years later, was that he was looking desperately, for any reason to live. Whenever he started getting suicidal, he'd text this girlfriend.

When she told him she could no longer handle it, he'd go to me.

And that's how it started. He'd get on this website,he'd talk about how depressed he was--then he'd start random arguments, subtly devalue me, and accuse me of lacking empathy for his pain. There was one particularly egregious example where he sent me a several paragraph long text about how I should french kiss a woodchipper. I could not for the life of me tell you what provoked that. Something completely innocuous, i think. He revealed later that it was all something he did on purpose to make himself feel worse, because by provoking me i would hurt him, and he's the real victim here, right?

I'd try everything to help, because I loved my friend, but it's obviously not a task any teenage girl should be taking on. Ultimately, I just ended up taking on the brunt of his abuse because I was so scared he'd hurt himself, and I made excuses whenever he mistreated me. It will not escape the astute reader that I probably had an abusive upbringing, too.

I started getting an addictive rush every time an interaction went well. I loved talking to him. I couldn't possibly explain why, back then. I thought we must have simply had a very strong friendship, one where we made up quickly after every argument. Of course, I forgave him after every apology he never meant.

This is something called a trauma bond.

It's a coping mechanism for being trapped in the cycle of abuse, and it's often the thing that keeps you trapped, if it's not financial ties or having children with someone.

In junior year, on the second day of school, he tried to commit suicide by overdosing. He told me. Not only that, he told me it was all my fault, and that I wouldn't even care. I didn't notice, because I was too busy hyperventilating and calling 911. There was a terrifying moment where I couldn't remember his address.

But he's here. Alive. On this planet. Because of my actions. I don't pretend it makes me a good person or anything, I think anybody would have done it. I'm not special.

He got diagnosed with ADHD after that, and managed to get on medication for his depression. I'm not sure he stopped abusing me, but the instances where he'd pretend my feelings didn't matter or that he'd have an outrageous outburst of cruelty slowed down. Became more sporadic. By the time we were in college, things were pretty good.

In 2021, I moved to Pittsburgh full-time. I had decided to work for the same university where I had acquired my degree. He had come to Duquesne univesity in 2020, after taking his gen eds at a community college in my hometown. Predictably, we started spending time and drinking together. He had a girlfriend, so I never considered him available and for the first time, his relationship actually seemed to be based on love and mutual trust--not the looming threat of suicide lest his girlfriend ever leave him.

Still, one night September of 2022, when we were both really drunk, he started pestering me asking if he could put his face in my tits. I took it as a joke at first, but he kept asking. Eventually I did it just to shut him up (and he did a right shoddy job of it) but I felt uncomfortable around him for months. I have... never been in a relationship, nor had I anything remotely resembling a sexual encounter at this point.

I think my hypersexuality started here. I dreaded seeing him again, until it was suddenly fine, we talked about the tit incident, and I'd forgiven him. I did notice a significant uptick in my libido, but I still considered him off limits. Instead, I found myself randomly crushing on a different male friend seemingly out of nowhere. I obsessively started to crave physical touch and had no idea how to get it, and i couldn't make my brain work the way dating apps wanted me to. On my birthday in march of 2023, the other male friend and I cuddled a bunch -- I realized this was one of the first times I had acted on my hypersexuality with another person, mild though it was.

When my roommate had to leave the city due to the rising costs of student loans and studying at the university I worked at, I moved into a one-bedroom apartment. My other "friend" who went to Carnegie Mellon had graduated earlier that year. My abuser and I were alone. His girlfriend was graduated and gone home to eastern PA.

Now there was nobody to watch us. And he took advantage of it.

In late july of 2023, once my beloved roommate had taken all the skeletons in the divorce, my abuser confessed to me that he'd always fantasized about me. I dismissed it, once again, as drunken antics. But suddenly I felt so vindicated! It felt nice, as a girl who had never been approached like that, who had been "one of the guys," to be validated as a woman, as a sexual being. I told him "As long as you don't act on it, it's probably fine." He later told me his plan that night had been to sleep with me so he could break up with his girlfriend and kill himself. Awesome, right? What a normal thing to be told.

Things started to escalate with a slow boil after that, though never very far. We'd start talking about our fantasies, and I liked to gather physical touch from him in ways i thought were innocent enough. He revealed to me his girlfriend was asexual--something she'd actually previously told me, and had me really confused when he first revealed that they'd had sex. I figured she just might have been demisexual like me, but it seemed she had told him she'd never wanted to have sex with him again. He took it very maturely, as you can clearly see throughout this whole saga.

That relationship wasn't long for this world, I knew. Even then, I didn't want to be the thing that broke them up, despite my growing uncontrollable attraction to him. None of my friends would ever forgive me. I just hoped that he'd have the sense to see they were incompatible, and break up amicably.

Lol. Lmao.

Eventually, I got sick of him slowly pushing my boundaries more and more, and I told him I didn't want to hurt his girlfriend, and we needed to stop. I minimized contact, I refused to drink with him anymore, I just wanted to spend time together as friends. He started guilt tripping me, but that was that.

In January, after holiday break, we had a mutual friend come to my apartment. I figured he wouldn't be stupid to bring up our drama when I had considered it over and done with in November. I was comically wrong, and the friend overheard everything. He said that I was "starting to catch feelings too strongly" and that I was "playing the game" (He was very upset I had mentioned our affair to two of our mutual friends, and he wanted to make sure I was swiftly punished for it.) I had also tried to be sincere with him about how I was feeling the last time we had seen each other, though I hadn't called it love at that point. I just liked being with him.

Trauma bond will do some fuckshit to you, but I was trying my best to be a good person despite that-- be honest about my feelings--all of them, even the ones that were wrong, in the hopes that all of this could be solved in a way that wasn't completely catastrophic.

Well, I do realize now he was doing some comical levels of blameshifting, but he told me we shouldn't see each other for a solid two months--fine. But he didn't have to drag this up in front of our poor, unrelated friend. I was furious.

The next time we spent time together, he sexually assaulted me. I use that term because neither 'groping' nor 'rape' is accurate. He jumped on top of me, shoved his face in my breasts, started massaging my waist, told me how pretty I was, and when he went in to kiss my neck. I pushed his jaw away with the heel of my palm. Obviously not the most traumatic thing anybody ever experienced, but enough to make me lose 10 pounds in a week. I had no appetite. He started wallowing in my DMs after that. I told him I understood why he drew the conclusions he drew, and that we both had shit to work on. I could tell he wanted to see me so badly... things were going wrong with his girlfriend again. Well, he was graduating in a month. Now I didn't need to feel sorry at all when he'd leave me alone in Pittsburgh.

I only told my best friend. I didn't want to shatter the friend group and I suspected no one would believe me. (Edit: Also important: The Fear of him killing himself if his girlfriend broke up with him.) Said best friend would be coming over in a few weeks for his birthday. Then he would be driving me home in late may, in tow with all the furniture he was taking from the apartment he'd be vacating. That was it.

I felt horrible for a few days. Then it set my blood on fire.

I told my best friend "I need to remember how Saturday felt," because I could feel my libido rapidly rising. Every second he wasn't there felt like there were razor blades in my veins.

I figured I hadn't been affected by the assault, because i wasn't sex-averse or touch averse like many assault victims. It was something I craved more than ever. I wasn't ever going to approach him, but I knew I wasn't going to stop him if he tried something.

And he tried. He tried many things. We only saw each other three times after that, and every time he took something more, went a little further. Very frequently without asking. Largely this stuff falls under the umbrella of sexual coercion-- I wouldn't have consented to it if he had asked-- but it was generally things I didn't want to say no to. I wanted it violently. I reasoned that I must have allowed it to happen because I was in love with him.

Every time he left, it brought more pain. I couldn't eat. I figured that was what heartbreak felt like. I kept trying to move on and reaffirm myself without him, and kept it secret because I didn't know what would happen if I snitched.

He came back an extra time in early july, with a group of my friends. I figured he wouldn't be stupid enough to try something with four of our other friends supervising us. I was, again, wrong.

I was extremely sleep deprived (44 hours). I'd had very little food because I couldn't bring myself to eat. (on reflection, these were trauma bond withdrawal symptoms.) He had demanded to drink. The friends, (none of whom I'd told anything about this-- or not anything more than "I think he needs to break up with his girlfriend because he likes me, and I don't know how to deal with it") had all gone to bed, given tomorrow'd be a long drive for them. Again, we were alone.

I had a chance to grill him about using me! And be sincere about my feelings. And deliver the ultimate truth: That he and his girlfriend were completely incompatible, and that all his actions over the past several months proved it.

At first I pushed him off me. When he started taking my clothes off, I was like "fuck it. he can do what he wants."

That whole night was him acting on me, and me lying there, pins and needles punctuating every movement because my skin was so sensitive from the sleep deprivation and sunburn--he put me in a headlock without warning, rammed my head into the bed, pulled my hair really hard (my sunburnt scalp!)... I'm a masochist, but it's never okay to do these things without prior warning or discussion. He could have hurt or killed me.

He gaslit me after that incident, said it was my fault for letting him drink, and that I had refused to let him go home (Our friend had called him, multiple times, asking if he needed a ride.) I believed him at first. It wasn't until I recorded everything in my diaries and started talking to my more supportive friends (I have a very detailed memory, especially when it comes to this stuff) that I realized he was full of shit.

The stress from everything caused me to faint in late july. In august, my mental health started rapidly deteriorating, and I ended up dumping a nice boy because he wasn't as abusive as I needed him to be, and because I needed sex now and wasn't sure how I was going to want it from him unless he violated me. Also he didn't want kids.

We started talking about telling the girlfriend. He was convinced that she wouldn't break up with him. After all, we'd never had sex--just fondling, he reasoned. I warned him that all I needed to do was be honest about the sexual assault.

I didn't know I was trauma bonded, I didn't know I was hypersexual, i didn't know I was anything other than a shitty person. When he started hitting on me over voice call again, I decided I was sick of waiting for him to grow a pair and that I'd tell her myself.

Well. The great news is that he was super wrong about his girlfriend not breaking up with him. The bad news is when we stopped talking to each other, he did the craziest blameshifting I'd ever seen, completely reversed victim and offender, and told the events of july 6th like I was a jealous infatuate who had assaulted and inebriated him to get what I wanted-- never mind that he had taken my clothes off first, and that I was too sleep deprived to stop him.

The most abusive part of a relationship like this is the end. Never forget that.

The only reason I knew I could qualify any of this as abuse wasn't the specifics of what he said to demean me, or the DARVO-ing me, or my hypersexual reaction to his assault. No, it was the breaking of the trauma bond after he refused to talk to me, as one final insane punishment.

Did you know trauma bonds have physical withdrawal symptoms? I sure do now :)

Easily the most painful experience out of all of this was those symptoms. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't eat. I lost 15 pounds in a month. (He's an excellent personal trainer! I do not recommend!) Tension headaches. I still have moments where I completely disassociate because I don't feel like any of this happened to me, because breaking trauma bonds ALSO give you PTSD on top of the residual bullshit from the actual assault.

It was catastrophic. I was grieving because I lost a lot of friends in very brutal ways, people blamed me or ignored the whole sexually-assaulted-me part, and I was withdrawing from everything and everyone because again, more fun trauma bond withdrawal symptoms.

But I pushed through that. He made it easy by throwing a tantrum and refusing to talk. He still doesn't believe he's done anything wrong. [Fun fact! I have learned this is a cute little technique is called a narcissistic discard! I told everybody it was an instrument in his abuse of me and I was fucking right!]

I have given up faith that he can be a better person, although that pains me greatly. Too many moronic idiot males reinforcing his behavior, because men like this find other men like them. Not only that, but people are too busy blaming me for not saying anything earlier [victim blaming] and not a fucking peep at him for, you know, sexually harassing me for two years. Because holding him accountable would make them "uncomfortable." Really feminist and progressive, honestly.

Now, my life is so much better. I have a renewed interest in life, in the things I want to research and create-- and even better, someone actually worth my time will fuck me. (Eventually. getting into a relationship while recovering from a trauma bond is dangerous. I've been relapsing as of late, in part due to ill-advised whispers from a friend that he is willing to apologize. For that to happen, he has to understand what he did to me first. He doesn't, and he's still too busy thinking none of this is his fault, actually. But I'll die before I let him get away with it.)

Here's to the New Year. If it can be broken by the truth, it must be.

[lalazeewrites]

What are your personal favorite Gallavich fics?

OKAY, BUCKLE IN!

I actually answer this fic and Tumblr like glitched and deleted it and I was crushed about it, but now I'm back. Ready to tackle this again!

First off, I have 90 Gallavich fics bookmarked. So let's start with the fact that I have a lot of fics that I LOVE and I'm going to link you right here to my Gallavich Bookmarks, should you want to look. I didn't add to my list any purely smutty fics and I have A LOT of amazing ones Bookmarked.

That being said, here are my personal standouts. I'm NOT putting these in order of how much I like them, because I would simply die on the spot under that kind of pressure.

BELOW THE READ MORE: 25 FIC RECS & SHORT RAVE REVIEWS

Life, or Something by @palepinkgoat

This fic encapsulates a lot of things that I crave in a fic that is designed specifically for my tastes. Personal journeys that begin rocky and work toward healing. Dark themes that are treated in a very matter-of-fact way instead of rolling in angst. The growth of mental health. You'll probably see those themes a lot in the fics I love. I also have a fascination with all things death, as someone who has almost died many times and who struggles with a chronic illness. This fic is so. . .beautiful? Articulate. FEELING. I love everything about it.

Belladonna by devovitsuasartes

Oh, THIS. Oof. Okay, this is fantasy HOW I WANT IT. So intricate, so unique, so embedded into the world-building that isn't word-dumped on us with exposition, but SHOWN to us. Witches and forced familiars, complicated family dynamics, rough pasts, coming full circle between the beginning and the end. Emotional journeys, coming back from tough experiences, PINING. This is the fantasy for ME.

Is There Somewhere by andchaos

Soulmates! Soulmarks! Mute Ian who is really fucking funny and sweet and Mickey who doesn't think he has a soulmate because he has no 'first words said to me' mark. I love the dance, I love their rapport, I love how warm this fic is. I've read it several times for comfort.

You Can Bite Me by @goodkwuestion

It's easy as breathing to love all of this author's fics, but this is the one for me, and it has nothing to do with the fantasy vampire aspect. This is one of the only fics that has made me cry. I don't cry from fics, almost ever. The write in this goes from hilarious, witty, clever, and sharp, and then swoops you into appreciating the beauty and sanctity of life, traversing the journey of loss and grief, embracing the passage of time, welcoming love into your life, and simply embracing what it means to be human. This fic touched me in ways I'll never be able to express without a five page essay.

Etherized Against The Sky by Snarfle

A canon-divergent story from 1x09 onward. I couldn't put this into words if I tried, because it is EVERYTHING. Everything that I could ever want in a canon compliant type of fic. Holy shit, does this make me ache. It explores so many facets of their growth, mental health, self-acceptance, found family, rebuilding blood family, and learning how to live in the world of Shameless, but this time, thriving. A complete work of art.

You make me feel human by Dragona

Listen. LISTENNN. Are you listening? Anything that is considered a 'dark' AU is going to be my jam. Anything that dips its toe or severed foot into Hannibal or Murder Husbands type worlds are not just up my alley, but they're leading right up to my fucking house and knocking on the door. This is it, folks! This is the one! No one did it like this fic did it! PLUS: A happy ending? Bitch, I'm on the ground.

My Nine Lovers by @annatrow

While we're talking kiss kiss bang bang gun boyfriends, let's just slap this fic right down here, because holy fuck, I have read it at least three times. The pining? The smut? The secrets? SEXY MURDER BOYFRIENDS TURNED HUSBANDS??? Yeah, honey, I'm here in the front row with my little #1 fingie! My Bookmark comment says "This was so fucking clever and reverent and heartening and joyful."

The Mask of Insanity by @annatrow

Yeah yeah, I am trying to pick only one per author, but I simply cannot with this one. It's so fucking gritty and smart and sharp and emotional. Full of depth, character growth, strange life coincidences, bad boys and good guys and where they fall in between together. I'm big on fics that make you fall down, get scraped up real good, then pick you up by the armpits and say, bitch, we're got more to go!

Conflict of Interest by @thisdivorce

Everyone and their mom knew this was coming. It has everything I crave in a fic. Exceptional characterization. Deeply flawed, real humans living through real life events. The struggles of being queer and unsupported, specifically within the trans community. Journeys through mental health and the pitfalls of navigating the world when you don't see it as clearly as others might. Tearing and screaming out of the confines you've built around yourself, even if they're comfortable and safe, but knowing it's no longer right for you. This fic as everything and more and I've read it three times now because it fills my heart.

(And since this author is possibly probably my fav ever in this fandom, check out WIPs Reckoner and Change Like Shifting Shadows because their writing speaks to my pain and love on a bone deep level.)

Burden of Proof by DodgerBear

Okay, I really fucking like crime fics. Whether on the good side, bad side, or grey side, I love crime fics. This one is soooooo good, and I LIVE for the pining, the draw between them, the SPICE. Please! This is so fucking well done! Whip smart and sexy!

(and shout out to WIP by the same author, Quatervois, for which I will wait an eternity to update, I don't care, go read it NOW.)

Wild West Ian and Mickey by 09cityskylights

Always always always, I will be invested in Western AUs. Any fandom, anywhere, any time. I love for Westerns and this author does it so perfectly. I fucking adore this journey and I can't recommend it enough.

Can't Figure You Out by Crimson_Bebop

If I'm going to pick one office AU from the lot (and there's so many good ones, check out this post for more), it's gonna be this. It's nerve-wrecking, hot as hell, an emotional rollercoaster. You're rooting for both of them so badly, but they both require different but equally important things in their lives, and finding that middle ground is MESSY.

Dancing After Death by @squidyyy23

Oh man. Oh shit. I don't know where or hot to start, because this combines two of my fav things, Sons of Anarchy with Shameless. It combines them, yes, but more important, this is completely it's own beast with an incredibly detailed timeline of events. It's hot as all HELL, it's gritty, it's real, it's loving and tender and difficult and highly charged with emotion and struggle. LIVING FOR IT. I have read this three times.

Teenagers Scare The Living Shit Out Of Me by Mellow_Yellow

Oh hey, we're back at the Lala Loves Murder & Crime Show, and yeah, this one is FULL of it. It's so fucked up. It's so well written. The character growth is fucking A+, the murder reveal is exceptional, the mystery is FRAUGHT WITH DANGER. Guys! It's so fucking GOOD!

Teenage Dirtbag by @celestialmickey

Hah. . .I have read this three times. I'll never have read it enough times. Ian is 17 in 1999 here and I was 12 at the time, so everything this fic speaks to speaks of my entire adolescence and I just. Deeply cherish every moment. I savor every chapter of slow build. I revel in their victories. I sing along to all of their songs that I already know by heart, I wiggle in my seat to the Spotify soundtrack, I live for the vingettes of their happy ending. This fic is so magicl and wias written with such love and care.

you'll never see us again by @spoonfulstar

Okay okay okay, listen to me. Yes, we ALL love Intro to Quantum Dating by this author. I fucking adore it. I open it up at random chapters just to read and make myself smile. But THIS FIC??? THIS ONE??? You have got to be kidding me. I cried. I fucking yearned. I hurt, I hurt so bad down to my toes, and I smiled when things went right, and I teared up when it didn't, and I hoped and prayed for a happy ending, and yes I got one that was fulfilling and beautiful and poignant. Did the fact that I am a kidney transplant recipient play into my deep-seeding feelings about this fic? Absolutely. Do I think everyone should read this fic to grasp what exceptional storytelling looks like? BIG TIME.

Solid Skies and Slate-Blue Earth Below by @sentimentalspiders

This is one of the weirdest fucking fics I"ve ever read and I LOVE LOVE LOVE IT. Best alien!Ian! Exceptional, fascinating, vivid writing style! The narrative is articulated in such an ethereal, out-of-the-box way that is perfectly fits a story that is about an alien and a very lost man. It's SOOO COOL.

Brand Spanking New by J_Q

I don't know what to tell you. Micky gets sent to a fuckin' retreat when he gets professionally spanked (by Ian) to fix his horrible behavior. He gets out of there and then he and Ian start a very detailed BDSM relationship. This is SOOO my wheelhouse of JOY, but if it is not yourself, y'know uh. I mean, I still recommend it anyway. It's so wildly delightful and hot as FUCK.

That's a Wrap by @crossmydna

Am I biased because this was written for me as a gift? Shut the fuck up, of course I am. But also, no, because well before Cross took on prompts, they were working on The Menagerie which is in my top five favorite Gallavich fics of all time, and I read it all the time AND YOU SHOULD TOO. Anyway, back to this fic. What can I say, it's EVERYTHING I WANT. Actor AUs! Meet Ugly, the hottest smut imaginable, banter that's sharp and strong, badass Ian & Mickey, everything everything everything.

The Stargazer by crazynadine

Hey yeah, hi, welcome to my Daddy Kink. There's a lot of it. Let me show you around, its got scrappy heart of gold sex worker Mickey, it's got age difference bearded and jaded by life Ian, it's got panties and road side motels, and secrets, jealousy, and hot hot hot smut, like holy shit. But if daddy kink is not your jam, then y'know. . .ahem.

The Question of Normal by blue_newman

Ian is a prison counselor and Mickey is in prison. The way that I LIVE for Ian breaching any of his professional protocols to help Mickey (this goes for so many fics in my bookmarked fics) is unholy, but how about you five me a fucking break okay. I just like it when they break the rules, as they should, because this is Shameless LOL. But seriously, this is so thoughtful and heartening and left me feeling really fucking right in the world after I read it.

Well, I hope this helped! This is only about a fifth of my Bookmarked fics, and I wanted to write about SO MANY MORE. Anyone is always welcome to ask me to rave about fics, I am always here for it lol.

I said this in the begining, but I have bookmaked A LOT of smut fics that I think are exceptional works, so I suggest you filter my Bookmarks by works under 10,000 words and you're gonna find 'em all.

[ceoofnobodyasked]

When it comes to pointless and stupid drama hunting under the guise of allegations, with zero actual substance to what was said, nothing will ever top Oliver, vs Will Wood. So Will Wood is a singer/songwriter/comedian, who has become somewhat well known in the alt community nowdays, but he really only blew up in 2020, in 2017 he had less than 1k followers on any platform. In 2022, after the much anticipated release of Will Wood's album In Case I Make It, a disgruntled former fan made a twitter thread alleging Will Wood had groomed him and used his fame to manipulated him into doing stuff he wasn't comfortable with.

How had he done that you ask? By subscribing to the guys onlyfans, when the guy admitted in his thread he had spammed Will's DM's for months, and even begged him to subscribe at his show, TWICE. While all throughout, Will kept telling Oliver he was just a guy and to not put him on a pedestal. How did Oliver prove all this happened? By posting Will's actual nudes of course (and snippets of their text conversations) and then mentioned will got more talkative whenever Oliver was wanting to self harm, so he just kept telling Will he wanted to self harm whenever he was feeling lonely. Long story short, their chats came to an end when Will snapped, and said, "I'm not your personal therapist or emotional dumping ground leave me alone." To which Oliver argued that constituted pushing him to suicide, because Will didn't care he was depressed.

Then for like a week, all of twitter and tumblr believed Will was some sex worker abusing groomer, before Will just made a response where he went, "Yeah, everything that was alleged happened, but the guy was a creep who repeatedly ignored my emotions, and was mad when I said no to starting a relationship." To which the whole internet suddenly realized, "Wait, that is what happened, we have all the texts" And promptly turned on the guy, and I was watching all that from the background going, "Damn, y'all get this angry without checking the evidence for yourselves on the regular."

[actual-changeling]

in line with the tumblr spirit: my ask box is open (both anon and off anon) and y'all are free to use it!!

emotional dumping ground, headcanons, whatever you feel like, really. this website lives off of direct interaction i promise i dont bite (without permission)

[cypanache]

13, 21, 27 for the author ask meme 👋💙😊

13. How much planning do you do before writing?

I do a fair bit. Though a lot of it gets carried around in my head, and then dumped on whoever is currently unfortunate enough to have made the mistake of answering a Tumblr or discord message from me. I'm very much an external processor so I tend to crystallize a story as I tell it to someone else.

But really when I write I start putting stakes in the ground, throughout the line of the story. I tend to think of my story in arcs. Lead in, build, rubicon, crescendo, climax, denouement. (I don't talk about it this way, but my larger pieces generally they follow this trajectory). And once I've sort of told myself where the events that are the stakes to take us through those arcs, I drop particular exchanges of dialogue or a scene or even just a line into the different arcs, and then try to figure out how to get them there. Things sort of start to unfold from there. And sometimes as I talk things through, pieces adjust, chapters expand or collapse. Like originally there wasn't a break in their communication in Trap, and chapter 4 of Countdown wasn't nearly as brutal. (Even Unintended has already moved on me). But usually the general arcs and trajectory stay, and I continue to write to certain specific lines even as everything in between moves around.

tl;dr: yes I know what's going to happen next

21. Have you ever deleted an entire scene after spending hours laboring over it? If so, why?

Absolutely. Many many times. There's a whole sequence that I wrote for Trap where Obi-Wan accompanies Padme and Anakin around Theed as she surveys the damage. I reworked whole sections of the scene in the quarters. I actually have scenes set during OWK when the whole thing had a different structure. I've done scenes for Countdown and then taken them back to the studs and reworked the entire thing taking it in a different direction, and did the same for Unintended

Usually when I cut a scene its for one of two reasons 1) it's pulling the story, it's interesting I like it, but it's not moving the core line of the story forward in a way that feels right; or 2) it's missed something in the emotional beats.

27. Is there a fic you were nervous to post/share? Why?

I answered this one previously. I was super nervous to post Trap.

[gucciflanneldon2x]

I restarted this page so it wouldn’t be an emotional dumping ground and here I am again using tumblr as my emotional dumping ground. I need therapy.

[kaythefloppa]

Binga Redesign [Sloth Bear] + Rewrite/HC:

My first artwork that ever is posted on Tumblr. It's garbage and disproportionate, but it's something!! [to be clear, this isn't the only Lion King/Guard-based artwork that I've made, this is the first of many that I'll be uploading here].

I've been high off of my Lion Guard hyper fixation for the past few weeks, mainly in how demotivation and disappointing S3 was and how I should write my post-canon fic/have the events after the finale play out in my verse [which I will illustrate with some art-pieces - I'll do this here, Deviantart and on the Lion King subreddit, my user is KrattBoy2006].

However, one thing really ground my gears to a halt and made me immediately clap my hands and say "Fuck this" was fucking Binga. I refuse to accept this abominable incontinent MLP-OC-reject-pukeskin-gender-bendered little Chippette. She's 10x more annoying than Bunga is [even with Season 3's character assassination of the poor dude], her existence, personality, design, and by extension, her relationship with Bunga relies on really outdated, sexist, and overall boring hetero-romance tropes. You could cut her from the story and nothing of substance would be changed [don't believe me? Fiona Riley recorded more lines for the one episode Shabaha appears in, than for the 3 episodes Binga appears in. Take that however you will]

Out of everything in TLG S3 that I've had to tolerate or write around when it comes to my headcanons, AUs, and fics, Binga is the one thing that I flat-out choose to ignore altogether. If not because of how much cringe I endure, it's because.... she's boring lmao.

And rather than just taking the easy way out and pretending she doesn't exist [not like that's not a good option either] or by having Bunga dump this chick [again, am not entirely opposed to], I eventually just said “screw canon” and came up with my own version of her, more fleshed out than in the show itself [I’m definitely not a fan of her name since that’s another cisbend of Bunga, but until I find a good substitute, I'll go with Sloth!Binga].

Rant Aside: On with my Rewrite version of Binga. Here, she’s a sloth bear: Why that? Because A) I want to take more advantage of the Asia setting, B) because sloth bears are termite predators like honey badgers so it does fit, C) because sloth bears, much like honey badgers are incredibly fierce when they need to be, D) I’m a sucker for height difference in relationships, and E) I think them being an interspecies couple makes it very interesting, funny, and wholesome, and be a neat mirror to Timon & Pumbaa's relationship. [And before y'all say anything about how they can't have babies, note that the ability to reproduce in a relationship should not solely determine if two characters should and shouldn't get together]:

I originally wanted to have her be a honey guide [since they do also live in India]. But then I read that the whole "Honey badger/honey guide symbiotic relationship" thing was an outdated myth so I went with the next available bug-eating, Indian-native animal.

In my AU, Binga is the polar opposite of Bunga. She lived in fear and isolation as a result of immense trauma from the loss of her parents [in the same tragedy that took Sãhasí and Ãnanda and left young Rani with a scar, I'll get to that point in my verse soon]. The Night Pride adopts her out of pity and she grows up as a sister to Rani and Baliyo until she leaves on her own: Meeting Bunga inspires her to be braver, but at the same time, she is able to help Bunga become mature and level-headed, and which inspires him to eventually reconcile with Kion and apologize to him for his emotional negligence.

Bunga and Sloth!Binga have an on-off relationship. Both of them are new to the concept of actually being with someone, especially with one of them having such a coveted and busy title as the Night Pride's Bravest. They go through some ups and downs and travel around lands with each other before eventually deciding that they would rather spend the rest of their lives with each other.

I have 2 existing possible outcomes for their future:

Scenario 1:

Bunga and Binga follow Kion to the Pridelands after him and Rani's relationship falls apart, and during their time there, Bunga and Binga stay at Timon & Pumbaa's old home. When Kion returns to rebuild his alliance with the Night Pride, Bunga, and Binga opt to stay in the Pridelands, and they help advise the next Bravest of the Lion Guard .

Scenario 2:

Same as Scenario 1, except when Kion returns to the Tree of Life, Bunga and Binga return alongside him and become the surrogate aunt and uncle to Kion and Rani's kids.

In either outcome, they do end up adopting children, orphaned from both the Pridelands and the Tree of Life, much to the excitement of Grandpa Timon & Pumbaa.

For Binga's design, I tried to incorporate the sloth bear look and blend it with Binga's design. The freckles were my own design choice. Overall it doesn't look as awful as it could've been.

[visible-buttholegirl]

life update rant

using tumblr dot com as my mental and emotional dumping grounds once again, this time a slightly more positive rant than the majority of what i puke up here.

i got my license a week or so ago! so happy that's over, i was so anxious leading up to it but i feel like a confident and calm driver, and next on the list is buying a car. i have gotten a second job serving a couple nights a week in addition to my dreaded day job and it has allowed me to save money a lot faster, so i could conceivably have a car before this year's end! that would be so so sick, and the freedom that affords me will feel so good. i could run solo errands on my time, take way less ubers, pick up friends, go on camping trips or road trips when i want to, drive thrus, groceries and not walk them, etc etc! that will be so hot of me to have a car.

having a car will also allow me to leave my current day job and move on to the next chapter of my work life 🤢 which will have many more options available to me as a person with a car. i mentioned not knowing what i wanted to do yet last time, and that uncertainty remains. my ever-supportive parents continue to send me graphic design gigs to apply to, but many of my friends think i would be happier doing more service industry stuff (probably because i've been telling them i think i'd be happier there), but of course my indecisive brain does not allow me a moment of peace and assuredness. i am once again sitting at the crossroads of my life wondering what i should do after leaving my job. i will probably keep serving at my other job, but that will not be enough for me. not gonna continue thinking about this right now but i will have to think about it later.

some secondary focuses in my life right now are my health/fitness, and my creative outlet/learning new things. i have slowly started eating better and trying to get to the gym when i can, and its felt really great mostly, but i have to do better. i am trying to be patient with myself but not lazy. i know it feels good to be healthy and active, and i want that for myself. so when i feel like i have more time i will work harder on that. as for creative stuff, i want to do more visual art, though my main interest is in music production. i see so many people making the music i want to make, having a persona, aesthetic, a vibe, and living and creating within that, and i want that for myself as well. i have so many ideas for this kind of stuff in my brain, i just don't currently have the know-how to put pen to paper. once the car is sorted out and maybe the job schedule is a little more set in stone too i will come back to this. i just don't feel like i have a ton of time to focus on it, and again, i want to give myself a little grace because i am very busy lately and i think working decently hard to make other positive changes in my life.

lastly, i'm still single and jealous of my not-single/sexually active friends, and i need to be better about putting myself out there because this whole time its always been there if i wanted it, and i do want it, but i just never felt confident in myself enough to go for it. all of these positive changes in my life will boost my confidence and over time i will slowly try to be more proactive and confident! i deserve it and i can have it. the past is the past but i can change the future.

i have lofty goals of being and feeling a hot, confident, talented and traveled individual who above all else is HAPPY. i have dreams of creating art and music that resonates with people and performing it and hopefully putting that more at the forefront of my life than "work". maybe 2023 didn't shake out the way i hoped but i feel like i'm seriously laying the groundwork for some big stuff in 2024. i feel like when i'm in a good mood i always say shit like this and the last three years have not been as life-changing as i wanted but i do think i've made some moves in that direction for once, and a big change is a shift in personal motivation that i know can blossom into self-confidence and overall happiness. these are the things i'm going to try and focus on moving forward. rant over.

[3-aem]

Some days i wake up and go we can be healthy and normal or we can let depression rage and anxiety consume us and i pick the latter bc change and being healthy is hard and sometimes I can't do it and I don't want to do it.

[giffingthingsss]

I think part of the problem is that too much of that beautiful Vulcan misery can be unbearable because they’re Vulcan. So you never (or rarely) get to see any kind of cathartic release. So torturing them too much is torture. Like, you gotta release some of that pain. No release is unrelenting misery. Of course, this is a human perspective. But humans are watching the show, so.