#I’m not even a club person and we are literally in a pandemic so it won’t actually happen

[littlemissidontcare]

I was on IG just bored scrolling through my explore page posts and came across one of AW’s posts, so I decided why not scroll through her page, just because. I don’t think anyone really looked at her page before like they did with Ale for example. It’s so full of downright weird and at the very least questionable stuff. First of all, she made a whole post for Ukraine, with proper caption which wasn’t a repost or a copypaste from someone else. She even included some donation info in there and according to her caption even put a donation link in her bio at the time. Now the question is why can’t she do the same for Palestine? The situation there is way more urgent, so why does she only do some reposts on her stories which are gone after 24h and never actually uses her voice in a proper and direct way the way she’s done for Ukraine? More so, she keeps supporting zionist and pro-Israeli brands and people. My guess is she doesn’t want to outright pick a side, so she tries to sit on both chairs and keeps doing what benefits her only. Not everyone would click on some repost to properly see what it’s about, as not everyone would even bother to check stories which are gone the next day anyway, while a post is way more noticeable and would stay there unless you delete it. So idk why people keep praising her for even less than a bare minimum, when she’s fully capable of doing more and actually use her voice properly the way she’s done for Ukraine. She just doesn’t want to do it for Palestine for obvious selfish reasons. Now, who the hell said that that woman stayed at home during Covid? She didn’t and the evidence is all there on her IG. She went travelling through California, most likely with Pine. She did the very same thing almost every celeb did during pandemic, and instead of sitting her ass in her mansion, she “escaped” on the trip through Cali. That’s literally how she called it too, an “escape”, while most people were struggling in their tiny apartments, she couldn’t handle staying in a big ass house. She even went to some horse ranch, which had workers there, so basically they “served” her the same way the workers on that yacht in Ibiza did Seb and Ale. Not to mention that she also went to a restaurant and there was no mask in sight, kinda like Seb and Ale in that club, huh?! It’s also worth mentioning that she and Pine were papped a lot during that time and wore scarfs instead of a proper mask quite a few times. There’s even a pic of her all smiles, pulling the scarf down, kinda like Ale did with her mask in one of stories which was interpreted as “mocking the pandemic”. Idk, but to me “escaping” on a trip through the state with various fun activities during a global pandemic and then posting pics from the beach with a beaming smile falls under “mocking pandemic” category and that’s exactly what AW did. She spent Xmas in England when many couldn’t see their families. She didn’t give a shit. Not so righteous now, are we? Multiple posts with quite interesting and very weird captions featuring her bestie Jared Leto, who some people (looking at you galaxy) tried to say wasn’t her bestie but just a dude she met a couple of times… He’s her “papa pootang”, just so y’all know, the “bestest best company to ever be in” and she “couldn’t be more proud” - all direct quotes from her multiple posts. The “back from psych ward” post is my favorite one tho, seems fitting lol. Anyhow, there’s also way too many posts about W**dy pedo All*n (seems to be one of her favorites). Lots of posts with sexual innuendos, her flaunting her privilege and money in poor countries like Africa… I think there was an outrage when Ale just went there, but I guess when AW does the same shit and even worse it’s all fine nbd. Lots of pics of children, which I’m personally not comfortable with. There was one pic in particular which made me uncomfortable given the image and that it was taken from the back without any consent. Another post in particular which was 100% weird attention seeking af but I’m not surprised now that I’m familiar with her baiting, so yeah.

[utilitycaster]

Re: CW tags, I’m not sure if you’re in their Discord, but there’s a lot of people praising their CWs and I can’t help but feel that the mods and folks are hearing too much from a more…. Innocent? Younger? Naive to the point of a vice? voices — literally folks posting in the Dirty Laundry channel about how uncomfortable drinking/drunk people make them.

I'm in the Discord but literally only use it for alerts. I've heard though that the Neverafter/d20 channels had people saying "hey, these warnings are weird and not terribly useful."

I think this ask will be all I have left to say about content warnings - I get that this is a tough topic but also I know for a fact I'm really not the right person to facilitate a good discussion about this. But yeah, I do think that there is a shift among a subset younger people from "hey, it would be good if we flagged certain commonly upsetting topics so that people could make informed choices on whether to engage" to "This makes me uncomfortable and it's important everyone around me know that and I expect others to accomodate me at all times without having to take responsibility." On some level it's like...look, I do like casual drinking, but I respect if you don't and there are plenty of reasons not to want to engage with media where people are drinking, but also, like...I used to live in an apartment building that had a bar next door. The fastest way to my old apartment from my train stop was past a brewpub that during the pandemic put in extensive outdoor seating. The goal of content warnings should be to let people know if they need to avoid a work or at least come into it prepared, but any reasonable therapy for PTSD includes how to cope with common things that most people wouldn't consider triggering (like casual drinking) if you encounter it in the world, because you will.

I'm also though on the cynical side here, which is tough because it makes me sound like some kind of conservative and I am most assuredly not that, but like...about a year and a half ago I posted about how I find a lot of safety tools in TTRPGs are really limited and I would personally rather just...talk with my players, and make it clear that you can just say "stop", and I got some unhinged responses from people who could not fucking comprehend that this worked better for me than some elaborate colored card system, and were either very self-absorbed, or deeply unpleasant and insulting about it. I think a lot of the loudest voices when it comes to things like content warnings and ensuring people are unfortunately some of the least empathetic or thoughtful voices, even though there are many empathetic and thoughtful people around.

I guess I'll leave on this note, which is that I was in a club in college and we often said it was a safe space, and finally, one of my closest friends, who had joined a year later having first come with her then-partner, who broke up with her shortly after but remained a member as well, fucking snapped and said something to the effect of "I like it here, but my ex is always here too, so this is, inherently, not a space where I always feel comfortable and it's obnoxious and alienating to insist it is or that it should be." And it was really eye-opening, and it's something I've always kept in mind. If you try to guarantee a safe space you are doomed to fail and your efforts might make it worse. If you try to make a space where you are open about what can be expected, what shouldn't be expected, and hold room for dialogue, respectful dissent, and permit people to leave, that is far kinder and more effective. Which in the context of content warnings does mean calling out common triggers, perhaps offering, if you can, open, separate places for people to ask specific questions that pertain to them, but also assuming a certain degree of genre awareness.

[rayneydayss]

i have had such a hard time with the massive change of having graduated college and not being in classes anymore

like i thought in hs that i would probably kill myself before getting to college but i always thought i would love college, and when i actually made it there i ended up finding the most absolutely perfect university for me. forested and historic and so wonderfully queer. small classes with profs that love what they teach and even a medieval reenactment club that i fell in love with. and i got to experience it for all of <6 months when the pandemic hit and sent all of us home. i had been writing a script for the club’s spring renfaire and had just cast the play we would do, and literally during one of our meetings when we discussed pushing the faire back a few weeks in hopes covid wouldn’t pose a major threat, we all got the email saying we would be going home for the rest of the semester.

i missed a full year of on campus experiences and memories trapped in my room staring at a screen. when i finally started going to some in person classes again i was already halfway done with undergrad. three major medieval reenactment events were cancelled.

my senior year it felt like i was at the best point in my life, ever. i was researching so many fascinating topics and i had two jobs on campus in library and archives that i absolutely loved and was in club leadership running the faire with lovely people and good friends. i finally felt like i was living my best most authentic self.

and then i graduated. since then i have managed to get. a shitty retail job. playing dnd with my friends on discord once a blue moon when everyone is available. trying to run my own dnd campaign but being so utterly burnt out from shitty retail that all i can do is curl up in bed. i put myself out there as a freelance editor/beta reader and landed what seemed like a great gig pretty soon but now it’s been almost a month since the guy’s messaged me and over a week since my first payment milestone.

i just feel like a husk of myself. i feel in my heart and soul i am a lifelong scholar but that is not financially feasible. and i’m afraid the longer i go without being in classes the less i’ll retain unless i can get a job that doesnt burn me out so much so i can pursue those interests on my own time. i miss having a sense of purpose.

[studioahead]

Artist Spotlight: Leslie Williamson

Leslie Williamson is a photographer of interiors. We mean this literally – in books like Still Lives and Modern Originals she photographed the studios and homes of iconic artists, including some of our Northern California favorites – but also figuratively, because what is remarkable about Williamson is her ability to touch upon the life of a space, or as she calls it, the soul – the part that offers a glimpse of a person's inner world, even when that person is no longer part of this one. In speaking with her, and looking at the mysterious, quiet, strangely emotional places she has photographed, I kept thinking of Gaston Bachelard's maxim in The Poetics of Space: "all really inhabited space bears the essence of the notion of home." Flip through any one of her books, and you will see how such notions take shape.

Studio AHEAD: Let's start with your essay "Doc's Lab," published a few weeks ago in a recent WildSam guide, Big Sur & HW 1. Tell us about it and what draws you to this particular landmark in Monterey.

Leslie Williamson: It’s funny how that came about. I became a little enthralled with Ed Ricketts and his Pacific Biological Laboratories when I moved to Monterey in April 2020 (yes, a pandemic move…). I am sure it won’t surprise you to learn that when I am in a new place, I research “house museum” to find what is around me, and when I did this in Monterey, Pacific Biological Laboratories came up. I have never read any Steinbeck so I wasn’t familiar with Ricketts and his story, but with the quiet of the pandemic I soon became a fan. Ricketts is such an inspiring character! It’s no wonder he was Steinbeck’s best friend and muse.

Anyhow, I tried and tried to visit Pacific Biological Laboratories throughout the pandemic but it was always closed. Finally one day, as I was on a walk, the door was open and the nice docent let me in even though I didn’t have a reservation. Oh my goodness that space, it gave me goosebumps!!! It is just so special – steeped in history on a few different levels: early 20th-century Cannery Row and the PBL/Doc Ricketts era and through to the birthplace of the Monterey Jazz Festival and the men’s club that left it to the city of Monterey. Of course I photographed the space and my plan was to write an essay to accompany it that would go on the Still Lives Portal on my website. I have begun sharing my stories in real time there. Happily the WildSam project seamlessly dovetailed in unexpectedly. I am thrilled they wanted to publish my essay in their 50th WildSam guide. I hope people will read the essay while looking at the images. It will really bring it to life.

SA: While we're talking about places, I want to mention a photograph you took that I find so compelling: of JB Blunk's Moongate sculpture that leads to JB Blunk's house. We've been to the estate, and to get there you have to go deep into the woods of Inverness, along a windy road up a steep mountain far from everything, and there is a sense of the space caught unawares, as if no one is supposed to see it. I'm not really sure this is a question! But maybe you can speak about this feeling; it's very powerful.

LW: Thank you! It is a special place for sure. I experienced that same feeling on my first visit. Somehow my emotions come through in my images a lot of the time. I’m not sure I can say more than that. It has always been that way. 

SA: I love the home libraries of various Californian luminaries that you shot in Interior Portraits – partly because whenever I'm in someone's house for the first time I head straight to their bookshelf, and partly because they're incredible spaces. Ray Kappe's library, with its bright blue cushions and the bamboo forest outside, shows his relation to reading. What sort of objects "speak" to you as the kind that tell a story, and how do you photograph that object in way that helps it best tell its story?

LW: First off, can I just say I love libraries too…so much. There was a time when our bookshelves were a window to our mind, heart and soul. I just added a Bibliophilia section on my SL Portal that shares people's bookshelves. I always photograph them and they never make them into my books so I decided they needed a venue of their own.

As for other objects that speak to me, I never know what they are going to be. It is different for every person/space I am in. I generally just trust my gut. From Una Jeffer’s narwhal tusk, to Georgia O’Keeffe’s record collection, I seem to be able to sense where there are meaningful stories.

SA: What role does writing play in your photography, and vice versa?

LW: My writing is still a surprise to me. I see it as in service to my photography; but having said that, the "Doc’s Lab" story ran in WildSam with none of my photographs, so maybe that is evolving? When I wrote Handcrafted Modern, it was a bit of an unexpected turn of events that led me to writing the book, as well. But in hindsight, it was the magic combination of expression I didn’t know I was looking for. The photography always comes first and I let my curiosity run rampant as I shoot. Then, after I have edited the images, I hone in on the stories I want to share in the writing. That is the general scenario my process takes.

SA: Speaking of which, you've now published four books. Tell us a little bit about this process – whether you've a vague idea for each project... or how you build a narrative between each space photographed ... maybe a hint as to the next project you're working on…..

LW: The process of creating my books has evolved quite a bit since Handcrafted Modern. I began just because I wanted to see the spaces of my favorite architects and designers and this evolved into a plan to create a library of how creative people live in the 20th/21st centuries. And that is still happening, but I realized pretty quickly that the discernment of my choice of spaces to photograph is very specific. I am looking for what I call “soul spaces”: spaces that are still imbued with their inhabitant’s soul if they are no longer with us and an innate expression of the owner if they are still living there. There is always a certain je ne sais quoi that I am looking for. I know it when I see/feel it. But I am not sure there are words to describe it.

As for what’s next, I am looking to more shows in art galleries and museums. There is a particular project I am just diving into that will be in a major museum in a few years. I can’t say more. And of course there will be an accompanying book. Creating books is in my DNA.

SA: Finally, pretend you are not Leslie Williamson and that Leslie Williamson comes to one of the homes you've lived in – any of them from your whole life – to photograph it for Still Lives: The Sequel. What room would you want her to capture? What is in it?

LW: Oh wow…what a question! I am not sure any of my former or current homes would warrant being included in one of my books. But I do wish I could time travel back and photograph all of my former living spaces starting with my childhood home, where my father still lives, before we remodeled it in 1976. I can’t really remember it before that and am curious what it was like in its original state and how my parents had it set up, what objects they had, etc. I also wonder if there is an evolutionary through line of my own that would be evident in my own bedroom/homes throughout my life starting from my first bedroom. Like artists who make a portrait of themselves once a year, I wish I had a portrait of my living spaces for every year. I would be fascinated to see that, just for my own curiosity and self learning.

Photos by Leslie Williamson

Leslie Williamson’s home in Monterrey, CA.

“The Party Room” at Doc’s Lab on Cannery Row in Monterey. Originally the home of noted marine biologist and Steinbeck muse Ed Ricketts.

Detail in Ed Rickett's former home and business, Pacific Biological Laboratories, on Cannery Row. Monterey, CA.

JB Blunk’s ‘Moongate’ sculpture and his home in Inverness, CA. 

Detail of the living and loft area in JB Blunk’s home.

Artist and AIDS activist Derek Jarman’s library at Prospect Cottage, his home in Dungeness, UK.

The kitchen/greenhouse and a longe area in the home of artists Evan Shively and Madeleine Fitzpatrick. Marshall, CA.

Artist David Ireland’s sitting room in his home and masterwork, 500 Capp Street. San Francisco, CA.

Stair detail in artist Jesse Schlesinger’s home. Sausalito, CA.

[you-can-face-this]

ok I only just got the time to sit and write after all the chaos! but I WAS AT THE OPENING NIGHT OF THE ERAS TOUR!!!! after 10+ years of being an online & mostly international (in a country she only visited once) fan, I FINALLY GOT TO SEE TAYOR IN PERSON WITH MY SWIFTIE FRIEND SINCE MIDDLE SCHOOL!! we lucked out & got new codes from ticketmaster after the general sale got canceled and somehow we got floor seats?!???! I GOT TO SEE TAYLOR’S FACE AND WAVE AT HER WHENEVER SHE WAS ON THE CATWALK BY US!! so many sweet swifties came up to compliment our jackets & it was so fun looking around at any time at the show and seeing everyone around me being just as excited! the show itself was actually the best performance i have ever seen (not just concerts but including musicals, orchestras, etc.) and i’m not just saying that b/c i’ve been waiting for it for so long. it was actually amazing how well thought out every single part of the show was and there was a whole STORY to every single performance. i didn’t get to see much of it because of the angle from my seat but the visual effects were so magical & the sets were so so pretty! taylor is also so so pretty & her voice sounds even better in person than in the recordings omg she is SUCH a great performer like somehow she makes everything feel personal even though we’re in a massive stadium with thousands of people. she must also be an INSANE athlete because we could barely continue standing for 3 hrs & 44 songs, let alone perform them?! 

another crazy thing about this tour is that it let me experience the past tours i’ve never been to and never thought i’d ever experience again. like i never thought i’d see taylor in the princess dress singing enchanted or hear 22 live when i’m literally 22? i never thought i’d see the fearless sparkly guitar or hear all too well live let alone the 10 minute version???? i never thought i’d see the iconic blank space golf club or get to hear tim mcgraw live or scream 123 lets go bitch. that combined with new moments i’ve never even imagined like cruel summer live or how much of a bop illicit affairs could be or the choreo for vigilante shit?? absolutely surreal!! in one day so many of my dreams came true that i can’t even feel post concert depression because now i’ve seen that anything is possible. like what are the odds that both me and my swiftie friend are finally in the US for the first tour after the pandemic? and that the tour is about performing all past albums that i’ve missed out on? and that we didn’t get the initial sale but somehow ended up with floor tickets to opening night? and that we somehow managed to make the money to afford the trip in time and move around our schedules to make it happen? i don’t think i could ever not believe that i could do something or give up on something ever again after this experience 

[dancin-in-circles-xo]

I DESPERATELY NEED TO HEAR OXYTOCIN IN A CLUB! 😱🖤

[women-are-hot]

You And I (Joelle Smits)

Summary: joelle and y/n have been hiding their relationship for a few months, but a day at camp two of their friends found them being all over each other.   

Warnings: literally just fluff.

Note: i kinda really love joelle, so they’ll for sure be other fics with her in the future. also a big thanks to the person that made this gif. two people actually made a few for me, so thank youuu!

I was on my plane right now on my way to the Netherlands.

We're finally going to a national camp once again. I feel like it's been years since the last one.

I also get to see my girlfriend, Joelle. It's also been a long time since I saw her, because she plays for Wolfsburg and I play for Chelsea and then the pandemic didn’t help.

It's actually only our families that know that we are together.

We should probably soon tell our friends, but we will keep it a secret a little longer.

—

I was finally in Amsterdam, so I took an uber to the hotel.

I walked into the hotel and there my best friend stood, Jill Roord.

She was also playing for Wolfsburg. She had actually just moved there from Arsenal.

I runned to her and jumped into her arms, since she was higher than me.

"I missed you, little one" Jill said and smiled, knowing I hated that nickname, cause I was very short.

"At least I'm not as short as Daan," I replied sassy.

I then got hit on the back of my neck. I looked around and there Daan stood looking angry.

"You are not that much taller than me," Daan said, pissed.

I just laughed at her.

"Did you hear the keyword 'taller' ?" I teased her.

Daan just pushed me for fun and pulled me in for a hug.

I had really missed my dutch football family. 

—

After some time talking and catching up, we got our roommates.

I was rommed with Jill as always.

Joelle was rommed with Shanice and I know Jill & Shanice hang out often together, so maybe, Joelle and I can get some time alone together.

We actually have not said anything to each other, but we're hopefully gonna do it soon.

"Hey Y/n. Are there any teammates you fancy?" Jill asked me suddenly when we got inside our hotel room

"From club or national team?" I replied.

Jill then smiled, probably because I didn't say no.

"Club" she said and we sat down on the bed.

"Nobody" I answered,

Jill's smile then got even bigger.

"Do you fancy any of our teammates?" she asked me excitedly.

I smiled, thinking about Joelle.

"Who got you so smiley" Jill teased me

"Well" I started.

Jill then begins to jump around the room.

"Omg. You’re so in love" she said.

I just laughed at her.

"But the question is, who is the lucky girl?" Jill asked.

I blushed, but I don't know if I actually should tell her about Joelle.

"Okay. Maybe I have a little crush on Joelle, but please don't tell anyone" I answered.

Jill just looked at me with a big smile.

"I promise to not tell anyone, but maybe we can invite Shanice and Joelle out on a walk later. Then you can talk with her" Jill said.

I smiled at her, almost laughing cause I was literally in a relationship with Joelle.

"Yeah, that would be cool" I responded and hugged her.

—

We were now going to go on a walk with Shanice and Joelle.

I was very excited, because it had been a long time since I had seen Joelle.

So I hope we get some alone time.

"Are you ready?" Jill asked me

"Yep. Let's go" I answered and we then got out of our room.

We walked down to the lobby and saw Joelle and Shanice already standing there.

"Took you long enough," Shanice said with a laugh.

"Jill took forever to choose a freaking outfit" I replied and we all laughed at Jill.

We decided to walk around in the city, maybe find some place to eat at.

Jill and Shanice were going a little in front of Joelle and I, so we had some alone time.

"So has Germany been good?" I asked her.

"Yes. It's amazing being in Wolfsburg. There are many great challenges and the girls are fun too, but I still miss my girl" Joelle answered with a sad smile.

I looked around and saw no one was around, so I decided to kiss Joelle on her cheek, hoping no one but her saw it.

"I miss you too," I said.

Then Joelle licked her lips, took my hand and followed us to a place where no one could see us.

There was not much space, so I was pressed against the wall with Joelle standing right in front of me.

Joelle then kissed me, slow and meaningful.

We just stood there kissing for some time, then we stopped, cause we both needed air.

"I miss you so much, love. I hope one day I get to kiss you every time I wake up in the morning and every time I go to bed" Joelle said and took a deep breath.

I smiled at her fast talking,

"I miss you too, babe. Every freaking day," I responded.

Joelle then kissed me once again.

I then remembered that Jill and Shanice also were on this little trip.

"Babe, what about Jill and Shanice?" I asked Joelle, as I stopped kissing her.

"Oh, you are probably right. Maybe we could ask to switch rooms. So we could spend the night together" Joelle responded with a little cocky smile.

I blushed a bit at her smile, since she was just so hot.

"Yes, but just so you know, I told Jill that I had a crush on you" I said.

Joelle didn't answer, she just smirked.

"You have a crush on me?" she asked

I rolled my eyes. Joelle laughed and then kissed me again.

"Save that for later" she whispered in my ear.

I gasped at her dirty mind.

"Come on. Let's go" she said and took my hand.

We then got out of the place. I didn't even know what it was, whatever.

We walked for some minutes then Jill called me

"Hi Jill. WHere are you guys? We can't find you" I asked her.

"We're at the sushi place a little longer down the city, but we should actually ask where you guys are. Are you in the toilet fucking each other or something?" Jill said with a laugh.

"Seriously Jill. We were just talking like normal people and then you guys just poofed away" I replied.

"Okay. Let's just say that. Now bye, my sushi is coming" Jill said and hung up right after.

Weirdo!..

I then looked at Joelle and took her hand.

—

Joelle and I then found Jill and Shanice at the sushi place.

I sat down beside Jill and ordered some sushi.

"I saw you two hold hands. What was that about?" Jill whispered to me

I looked at her with big eyes.

"Nothing happened Jill. Trust me. We just talked about Germany and how things are going for her" I whispered back.

"Yeah right" Jill said.

I rolled my eyes at her and then saw the sushi come to our table

"Finally bro. I want sushi now" I said, making the girls laugh at me.

—

When we were done eating, we walked back to the hotel.

"Hey Jill and Shanice. Would it be okay if we switch rooms, so Y/n and I could room together?" Joelle asked them.

"Of course. Y/n, let's get your things into Joelle's room" Jill answered with a smirk.

I sighed as I walked with Jill to our room.

"This is your chance Y/n" Jill said.

"Whatever" I replied as I rolled my eyes at her.

I took all my things and walked into Joelle's room.

Only Joelle was there in her bed, so I jumped into her arms.

"Take it eyes, babygirl" she said and kissed me.

I deepened the kiss and took control, but that didn't last long, cause Joelle took her hands to my butt and flipped us around, so she now was on top of me.

She deepened the kiss even more and took her tongue into my mouth.

We were so lost in the kiss that we didn't hear the door open and Jill and Shanice came inside.

"What the fuck is going on" Jill yelled, so we could hear it.

Both Joelle and I jumped, surprised when we saw them stand right there.

"Uhhh-" Shanice didn't give me the chance to finish

"When did this happen?" she asked with her mouth open, probably still shocked.

"We have maybe been dating for some time" Joelle replied with a nervous smile.

"For how long?" Jill asked.

"9 months" I answered and laughed nervously.

"Shanice, you owe me some money," Jill said with a smile.

I looked at her confused.

"You made a bet on my dating life?" I asked her.

"Of course. You two are really bad at hiding it," Jill answered.

"But who did Shanice think I was with?" I asked her, curiously.

"I thought you were with your Chelsea-teammate, Jessie Fleming" she said and I died of laughter.

"Seriously?! She is like a sister to me. I would never ever date her," I said.

"She would only date me" Joelle added with a smile and kissed my cheek.

"That's right," I responded with a big smile, looking at Joelle.

"Aww, young love"

—

[what-even-is-thiss]

2nd COVID Birthday

I wrote this literally in the 30 minutes before midnight and edited it in like 5 minutes and I wanted to share it with someone and I can already see all of the problems that a literary journal would have with it so I hope someone on here likes it.

.......

In the last half hour before midnight on June 28, 2021 I sit by myself on my dad’s couch. I have long had a habit of watching myself become older. The clock strikes midnight, and in the eyes of the law I am now an older man. Not a wiser man, because in reality only a second has past, even if that second almost always feels like it lasts an eternity.

Still despite this uselessness, I watch the clock turn over. Feeling a weight that doesn’t exist. An artificial bookend to another chapter that I’ve constructed in my mind.

I remember watching myself turn seven, perhaps the first time I did this. Waiting patiently on the living room couch long after my parents and baby brother had gone to bed, looking at what was, to me, an impossibly insurmountable and exciting mountain of presents forming a shapeless blob in the dark, knowing as I moved from one numeral to the next that I was so close to knowing what it held.

Now I sit on my dad’s couch waiting. Half an hour too early. As a joke to myself and nobody else I put on my headphones and scroll through my phone to the bottom of my list of songs.

Still stuck in my liminal space of waiting for my number to tick over I reach the number section of songs at the bottom.

22. Taylor Swift. Classic. Touch. Start. Pop. Happy. Dread.

I drop my phone. I’m not sure when. The song isn’t over. I’m not 23 yet. My phone isn’t damaged. I let the song end against my better judgement and only then after Ms. Swift has finished do I rip the headphones off and start breathing again.

“It feels like a perfect night to dress up like hipsters and make fun of our exes”

I have no exes. I hold my headphones. I breathe. I have to write. Now.

There’s a lot of things that young adults are expected to experience and it seems as though most of us are under the impression that we are doing it wrong and all of the other young adults are doing it correctly. Finish whatever school is needed or wanted, fall in love, go to parties, get married, get a job, settle down and become a new and improved version of your parents.

Teenagers on the internet tell me that I’m old. I feel like I’ve just crawled out of a cave and seen the sun for the first time. Have I had sex yet? Do I want to have sex? Do I want to fall in love? What do I want to do with my life?

I was going to answer all of those questions when I was 22. Stupid plan in retrospect, but all plans made in the last year and a half seem stupid in retrospect.

A friend of mine is engaged. Her future husband is moving from Colorado to California. She has a real job now. I bang my head against the wall trying not to compare my life to hers but somehow during all the unpleasantness she managed to get her life started and even with everything I’ve accomplished I still feel like I’m nothing.

The unpleasantness. The thing that is going on right now. You know… that. We all know. The whole (speaker waves their hands around vaguely) plague that upset the fabric of society and took over all of our lives and has inevitably shaken up everyone that has survived it even if they themselves were not directly impacted. The phenomenon that lasted for the entire time that I was 22. You know. That thing. That thing we are tired of saying out loud.

I watched myself turn 22 in the midst of the pandemic thinking that by the time I turned 23 that I would already be out in the world. So many of those moments that I watched myself turn older are crystalized in my mind, but not that one. Not turning 22. It’s as vague and confusing and one note as the past year spent here inside on my dad’s couch.

The moments in which I turned 20 and 21 are perfectly preserved in my mind. My anxieties, my fears, my final thoughts and hopes in the second before the digital clock wordlessly ticked over. The second I turned 22 though? Is lost to history. To time. Faded into the background noise of the apocalypse that never came.

I don’t know who I’ve become. I don’t know who any of us have become. Societal and personal identity has been swirling and changing in the past year and now it’s all been tossed up in the air and I don’t know what will come crashing down or what it will look like but it’s coming. Whatever impact comes the next decade will feel it tenfold.

Five minutes remain. It’s 11:55 pm. I am only going to turn 23 once. I am going to spend it crystalizing this societal feeling in time. The feeling that we don’t know what the hell we are doing. This is not a year worthy of nostalgia. This is not a year worthy of romanticizing. This was hell.

How different was it to be 22 nine years ago when that song came out? I have never been to a club. I have never gotten so drunk that I’ve thrown up. I’ve never made out with a stranger and I’ve never fallen in love and the thing is that I’m not sure if I want to do any of those things but this was the year that I was going to try.

It’s 11:59 pm.

I’m still typing. There’s still racism and people dying of COVID-19. I said it. The thing we’re all tired of hearing. The disease. The thing. The YouTube demonetization word.

It’s 12:00 am.

I’m no wiser now than I was when I started typing this. I watched the clock turn over. Happy birthday to me.

[descendantsramblings]

Style Headcanons

So basically, I’m a big hater to the way the costume team worked on them. The whole “All Isle kids wear Leather” and “Auradon Kids always look like they’re on their first kid and on the way to the country club” thing drives me crazy. It sorta feels like they made costumes before giving them personalities (The leather on Carlos  and Evie feels like it clashes with their personalities. Lonnie’s dresses in the first movie doesn’t fit the personality we see, even though she didn’t have much of a personality until movie two. Audrey dressed like a thirty-four year old mother who just picked up her kid before going to the country club. Ben’s only good outfit was his swim trunks.) So here are some personal headcanons and pictures of what I imagine for them. (I started making them at 1am last night lol)

Villain Kids 

Evie

As someone raised to want to be a princess, she wants to dress like how she imagines a princess would.

She loves pastels and is no stranger to pairing pastel blue with a neutral red or bright white. 

The only pants she really wears are either athletic shorts or those little flowy elastic shorts, otherwise she’s all skirts.

She’s sorta a prep but not in the same way a character like Audrey would be. 

Evie has respect for most aesthetics, even though she doesn’t fully fit just one. However, she hates crocs and those little pastel shorts that white boys wear, she will announce it often.

Wouldn’t be caught dead in neon colors. 

owns a blue fur coat (it’s fake fur, obviously)

Carlos

Baby boy is a total softie

You know that one gay little sweater in movie one, that’s where they went right, more of that.

He’s into the soft boy aesthetic and only strays from it for formal wear

loves layering sweaters over button ups

Cuffed jeans, always because ya know, bisexual 

Owns a floral button up from Jay, normally he hates patterned button ups but it’s his favorite shirt. 

Loves striped sweaters, he owns about 6 variations of them in different colors (all include red, white, or black of course)

Jay 

In theory, Jay doesn’t really have one aesthetic, he’s willing to try on just about anything

Most of his clothing was bought by Evie or Carlos, especially his formal wear

The only clothes that Jay will buy for himself is athletic wear

He doesn’t really see the point of buy clothing that he can’t go straight to practice in. 

Still has the beanie,  but he owns one in just about every color to match it to his outfit.

Listen, we know Jay’s main color is yellow/gold, but why did we always see him with more red/blue in the movie? What type of snow white aesthetic were they trying to give him?

Jay owns a button up that he write on, he refuses to wear it actually buttoned though

Mal

She loves the grunge/alternative aesthetic, she thinks it makes her look more like she belongs to the Isle

She wouldn’t wear skirts until after she and Evie became friends, Evie bought her her first skirt (a purple plaid one) and she fell in love with it

Mal has a whole jewelry box of just chains, both necklaces and ones that attach to clothing 

Owns a pair of Demonia Swing-815 boots (black patent) and a pair of Demonia Camel-203 boots (holographic purple) 

100% owns one of those studded hot topic belts. 

Has a headband with little horns that symbolize her mother’s horns 

Instead of the leather half gloves from the movie, she has those little fishnet gloves and covers her hands in rings.

Uma

Her style is similar to Mal’s because if Mal is going to do something, Uma will do it better.

Uma only wore outfits that were super Fem and had skirts until Mal started doing it

Then it was Uma always wearing pants, because of her love for plaid skirts she owns a whole collection of plaid pants

the only jeans she owns are black or dark wash. 

Her first ever large purchase was a pair of Doc Marten 1460 Zip Tartan Lace up boots (they’re green, black, and blue plaid) 

She and Harry bought matching Doc Marten Jadon platforms (his are more shiny though)

Isn’t as into chains as Mal, more into chockers. 

Harry 

When the E-boy aesthetic came out, Harry was all over it 

Harry definitely has one of those chains with a little lock on it. 

I’d like to imagine he has baby gauges

the before mentioned platform doc martens, he definitely treats them like his baby

Even though Harry dresses like an e-boy,  he always has his pirate hat on

Definitely wears cloth masks as a fashion piece he actually would wear his in the pandemic though, unlike some people who wore them before but not for safety 

Harry is actually really good at graphic liner, he owns a gold, red, and white eyeliner to add color to the outfit if it’s mainly black

gold>silver 

Bought plaid pants because Uma did, he want’s to match with his captain

Gil 

As we know (maybe you don’t) it’s in the canon that Gil’s mother taught him to sew and he enjoys it. 

So Gil doesn't dress in one aesthetic or even close to being in one, he wants to try out everything, both making and wearing them.

He does stick to a monochrome color scheme though, mainly shades of brown with white or black thrown in. Sometimes he adds a little red or yellow though to “honor” Gaston

Most of his clothing is more comfortable than anything

Only owns three pairs of jeans, the rest are different types of pants (he loves corduroys) 

Owns a pants chain that harry bought him but he only really wears it when Harry and Uma are wearing one so he won’t feel left out on it. 

Dizzy 

Baby girl has seen the Isle steal the childhood innocence from people, she dresses in kidcore as a way to keep hers

Her outfits always has at least 4 different colors in it.

No stranger to neon colors, she has a pair of overalls that are neon rainbow and covered in gummy candy and she only wears them with a neon green tee, Evie and Carlos hate this outfits, Jay loves it because of the disappointment it brings to the two fashion fans 

Dizzy’s outfits in the movie were colorful obviously but they should have been just more over the top

She loves patterns and has no fear of pattern mixing

definitely owns some funky earrings, clay rings, and  statement necklaces

puts beads on her shoe laces, especially on her converse (they were white ones, she drew all over them) 

Auradon Kids 

Ben

Okay so Ben’s animated and movie outfits were bad, you can’t convince me of anything else

Why was Ben not dressed in the soft boy aesthetic? You’re trying to tell me that Belle’s son wouldn’t be a soft boy?

He has a jean jacket with his father’s beast symbol painted on the back

Absolutely loves graphic crewnecks, often layers them over collared shirts

He and Carlos go shopping together often in their free time

Lover of funky crew socks,  ones with paintings, patterns, logos, whatever. But his socks always match

After he and Mal started Dating, he bought a white jean jacket and let her paint it, he wears it all the time even though it didn’t match his original clothing, he bought more clothes in her color scheme to match it

He owns like 6 pairs of high top converse (light blue, yellow, white, navy, black, and Purple after getting the jacket back from Mal)

Chad

Listen, out of everyone he was the closest to how I imagined he should be, that being said, he had a little soft boy thing going on in some movies that I don’t think fit his personality

Polos and button ups are basically all he owns, but he does have some of those pastel simply southern esc graphic tees (Southern people probably know what I’m on about, all the guys who act like Chad at my school have like 5 of them each)

Owns 6 pairs of those horrid little southern boy pastel shorts in different shades of blue (plus 1 white pair)

Will not wear jeans, ever, the only pants he owns are khakis

All over the shirts that have logos embroidered into the shirt over the chest. 

Definitely gets asked if he’s on the way to golf/ the country club, the joke is that he is, he has to meet his father there after school

prep.jpg

Audrey 

Listen, I’m not an Audrey stan, but they did her so dirty in the first movie

She should have been the stereotypical mean girl outfit wise, I mean, mini skirts, all pastels

Owns a pink teddy coat, and a white one, she actually cares about if they get dirty though, takes good care of them

definitely has a collection of tennis skirts, pairs them with sweaters/crewnecks or blouses that have a slight puff to the sleeve

The type of girl to wear rufflely rompers on her birthday every year, pink, white, or baby blue obviously

loves those tiny shoulder bags

preppy and looks good in it. 

cropped polos and tube tops

Jane

This account is a Jane should have been cottage core/ fairy core fan page, her outfits were almost there, just not there, she’s literally a fairy but can’t use magic nor did they let her dress like one, I hate it here

Baby girl loves gingham and floral patterns, some of her dresses are a little more to her mother’s taste than hers (her mother bought them) but as long as it’s a pattern she likes she will wear it. 

Cardigans are her best friend, she owns one in multiple shades of pink and blue, plus a white one (all of her clothing fits a pastel pink/blue/white color scheme)

Babydoll dresses her a her favorite style of them (the one I put in the top right corner is what I imagine her birthday dress as) 

People try to mockingly ask if she’s on her way to a tea party/picnic (like they do with Chad and the country club) if the answer isn’t actually yes one of her friends still say yes, no one can be rude to her about it 

She owns a corset (Evie bought it for her, it made her nervous at first but she loves it) 

Owns kitten heels and flats mainly also two pairs of mary janes (in white and blue) 

has one of those little pearl purses that aren’t really useful but they’re cute 

Lonnie

Last but not least, our funky little lesbian (she is, Jay is just her emotional support queer man) Lonnie, she sticks to the teal, blue, and pink color scheme they gave her in movie one

She mainly wears sweats (or athletic clothing) otherwise it’s graphic tees tucked in (many of them are from the men’s section) 

Only wears sneakers, she has places to be but also collects them (also owns 1 pair of pink crocs, Evie tried to burn them)

Carlos and Ben talked her into wearing a collar shirt under a graphic tee once (they bought her a sleeveless button up which she hated at first) and now she does it anytime she wants to look like she put effort into her outfit. 

Wears a lot of necklaces and rings (she loves to layer necklaces, she thinks it makes her sweats look less boring) 

Uses a mini backpack instead of a purse, easier to carry more things.

Has two pairs of custom painted air forces. 

Hates wearing bracelets but always has to have a hair tie on her wrist so they don’t feel empty .

[charlotteswriting]

Rantaro, Shuichi, Kokichi, Fuyuhiko and Kaito with a super sweet and kind SHSL plushie maker? Like they love everybody! So what would their reactions be if they were found crying because some bitc- I mean very unkind and rude person made them cry?

I know I said I’d take a break but no hahah I just can’t stop myself from writing 😳 Also I’m aware this request took forever but hope you like it! 💞 -Mod Kaede

Rantaro Amami

He finds you so cute if you ask me

And thinks you are really easygoing, I mean you love everybody!

You’re just so sweet

He won’t hesitate to call you cute names, too

When he first found you crying, he was confused

What happened?

“Y/n? Are you okay?”

When you told him about it he immediately went from :0 to >:0

Big brother mode activated

Ok but he’s so understanding

100% hugging you and telling you it’s okay

Also always welcoming any hug coming from you anytime

“Don’t cry anymore, Y/n, come on,” Holds you to calm you down, ugh 😭

Next time he sees them he’ll make sure to talk to them about it

You know how serious he is? Yeah, he’s like that

But for now, he’ll just make sure you’re being loved

Shuichi Saihara

Aw, you’re so sweet for his soul

You make him blush all the time-

I mean you just care so much- it makes him want to cry

And you always give him gifts, too

Adorable

He thought no soul could be mean towards you- You’re just like an angel

But welp, there you were, crying

“Hey, Y/n! There’s-.. Y/n?”

He felt upset, I mean there were times where you pouted, but you were literally crying

“Y/n, are you okay...?”

He wanted to hug you but he did want to respect your boundaries, too

But boy, did you need it

He slowly wrapped his arms around you and let you cry it out

He listened to you carefully and he was like, how?

Tries to change the subject so your mind isn’t full of bad thoughts- Probably brings you snacks or sweets

He wouldn’t leave your side until you were feeling better!

Please stop crying, he doesn’t know how to comfort you at all- he’s trying

Kokichi Ouma

How do you stand him, just asking

You’re very kind and he’s just.. The opposite?

Well sometimes he’s so sweet but most of the times he acts like a brat

But he shows you his sweet side only? Good for you? And you’re sweet to anyone?

I’m sorry but no one’s messing with you. He’s literally the president of “Y/n Love Club”

“Y/n, what’re you doing in the dark?”

He heard your little cries

Oh no

Hell no

“You’re crying?!!??!!?”

“It’s noth-” Say no more

He isn’t leaving until you’re done crying!!

Seriously he’s so clingy lmfao spoils you with lots of love and you get flustered as hell

You two gossip about the person and he can get a bit manipulative and say stuff like “Well, I wouldn’t talk to them if I were you,” he makes jokes on purpose just to make you laugh

“Don’t worry about them, Y/n! I’ll make sure they won’t get away with this.”

Kokichi, NO

Fuyuhiko Kuzuryuu

If you ask me, he can’t take all of this cute stuff

You’re just so wholesome- it’s too much for him

He thought you didn’t mean this at first- how could you be sweet to anyone. But boy, were you serious

And you melted his heart, too xjtjgktgkfh

He won’t admit but he thinks you’re really cute and must be protected at all cost 💞💞 Sometimes his chest hurts because you’re just being so precious

You were really sweet to anyone,, he kind of expected you to get hurt because of this

And then he saw you crying

“Oh, they did this to you?”

“Yeah... Fuyuhiko, what’s that?”

“It’s just my gun”

I-

For now he’ll let Peko handle this

“Y/n Protection Squad”

If you need affection that moment, that’s what he’ll do

You’ll be his number one priority but the next day he’ll have a friendly talk with the person made you upset

Kaito Momota

He loves you so much!!! Ahjdjcngjdxjxjfjc!!4+-&&;&!😭😭😭

He thinks he’s dating an angel, a god, a goddess, historia reiss-

He even names the stars after you-

You’re too good for him

He gets soo cheesy with you and gives you embarrassing nicknames all the time

But you’re crying... On his sight?

Just no

He’ll freak out lmao

“Y/n?!??!??”

He gets really angry with that person-

He gives you the best comfort tbh, he’s just like that

So caring

Also is really sassy lmao

“Well, it didn’t surprise me... They weren’t worth your time anyways,”

Sigh, we all know you are just jealous, Kaito

You should hangout with him, Shuichi and Maki Roll. They’re much more interesting smh and they’ll treat you right!

Also he’ll give them death stares when they’re talking to you from now on- only if looks could kill

A body is discovered???

sighh I’m lacking motivation but I’m trying my best-- ugh, no

Well... I didn’t want to take a break before I finish this. This was saved in my drafts, I’m sorry if these are so bad I dunno what to do anymore lol I’ll be having exams after a month but studying is hard during the pandemic

Aaaanyway, requests are open, I’m writing them oldest to newest, so they might take a while! -Mod Kaede

[sizzlingpatrolfox]

The double standards in this fandom are INSANE. People are praising Taehyung left and right for being “iconic” at that after party while they were disrespecting Jimin and calling him every name in the book for going to a party in Paris and Jungkook as well for hanging out with his female tattoo artist and army have the guts to say “it was in 2019 now we have a much more positive voice”. Positive voice where ? This fandom has become even more unhinged since the pandemic started.

- The double standards of this fandom. Like I’m happy armys are chill about tae being at a club but I’m salty and upset bc when jimin did armys turned their back on him. I legit saw someone say the reason they hate jimin is bc of that moment? I wasn’t here when it happened but I heard it was hell. But why tf did jimin get so much hate for having fun just like tae was? They always say tae gets the most hate but nah this fandom sided with him more

---

I guess people had a thought or two about double standards these past weeks 😅

It's a bit hard for me to try and think about how I felt in 2019, which is why it's taken me so long to answer this. It was really stressful and frustrating but it's been a while since I've just given up and accepted that's how it'll be. I don't get riled up about these things like I used to.

First, the easiest statement to deny: Taehyung never was, never is and probably never will be the one who gets the most hate. He doesn't get hate at all. Period. His fans think me saying he likes pussy is hate. Just go figure.

Even jikookers turned against Jimin during the three days (THREE DAYS 😭) he was in Paris because they thought he wouldn't be with JK for Jungkook's birthday. There was some Korean Jikooker (one who posted a photo of Jimin at the airport when coming from or going to Russia) who later said Jungkook was hanging out with mijoo because Jimin had been travelling. Did she think they were together and Jungkook couldn't keep his dick in his pants for a week or what? Make it make sense.

I want to point out a slight difference. We had almost real time "news" of Jimin. Let's say he arrived in Paris on a Tuesday, pictures of him were tweeted on Wednesday. And so on. This happened when he was in Vladivostok too, pictures and videos were posted almost inmediately after being taken. The only place where he actually wasn't seen a lot was Hawaii. Meanwhile with JK, it was all past events. The CCTV photo, the tattoos, we all found out about that a couple of weeks after they had actually happened.

I can't explain why but yes, there is a difference in reacting to real-time developments vs. reacting to "old" news. Personally, because it was real time and I actually saw the situation escalating from one minute to another, the way people reacted to Jimin in Paris was worse for me. It felt like a snowball getting bigger and bigger for absolutely no reason.

Now that I think about it, I think I literally blocked out of my mind what people were saying about Jungkook those days 😭😭😭😭 #darktimes it feels quite close to a literal trauma ngl. I remember thinking about him and everything, so much.. so so much my head hurt. My friends and I would talk on the phone trying to put together a timeline and connect the dots and try to discover if we were being lied to or what actually happened. I'm also pretty sure another reason I don't remember much is because I stalked a lot of japanese and Korean Twitter accounts, because they were posting lots of photos and tidbits of "info", some of it made sense and some were a stretch. But of course I didn't exactly understood what they were saying, so maybe that's why I don't remember much of what people said about Jungkook. It just wasn't in my language. People from my region were sooooo incredibly okay with the whole thing btw, they kept making jokes about it, they really took it so well. I don't remember seeing a lot of negativity in my language. So yeah, the backlash I saw was mostly from Japanese/Korean speaking antis because those were the accounts I was checking. I honestly didn't look or see tweets in english talking about it.

In hindsight, I wonder if there was so much mess because it was BTS first "break". So people were curious about where were they, who were they with, what were they doing. It still doesn't justify the way they tried to control Jimin.

Jikookers tho, masters at deflection, just stayed quiet and acted like nothing had happened.

And I guess that was another element to the whole thing: shippers. Why would Jimin go travel across the world without his partner. Why would Jimin hang out with random girls at a bar if he has a boyfriend. Why would Jungkook hug a woman if he's in a relationship with a different person. Why, why, why. Even if Namjoon had the same amount of fans Jimin and Jungkook have, the fact that he's not in any ship like that would've "protected" him from having his every move so scrutinized.

For Jungkook, the way I experienced the whole thing, it was a clash between the idea people had of Jungkook, and the real life Jungkook. Think of 2018 - early 2019 up until even June, the personification of baby star candy and the contrast with September 2019 Jungkook. The tattoos, the people he hung out with, the "type" of girl (!!!!!!!) he was hugging and rumoured to be dating. It was a lot. It's not surprising that he got the most backlash from Japanese and Korean people, even his own fans. I have two friends, both are Jungkook biased jikookers, we weren't surprised about the tattoos, we knew he was to get them one day; but I remember both of them saying stuff like "I would've never imagined he would date someone like her what happened to IU?!?!?" but I promise none of it was said or thought in a bad way, we were all just seeing a "new side" of him.

And then, probably (in my opinion) the most damaging misconception, the thing that really backfired against him, was that he was so casual about skinship with a woman when, according to the fandom, he was always terrified and disgusted of girls!!!!!!!!

As for Jimin, I think the fandom (international, at least) has this weird idea of him being a manwhore or whatever the word is, so that was also a factor in the whole thing. They thought he possibly couldn't be in a different country unless he was looking for people to have sex with or up to something shady. I know, he's irresistible. It was almost as if people were actively looking for reasons to "cancel" Jimin. Again; if people had this misconceptions of Namjoon, he probably also would've been scrutinized and people would've tried to prove he's a certain way like, "see what he's doing, i knew there was something shady about him."

Now with Taehyung, first of all, yes, the fandom is extremely different. Many of the people who were here in 2019 have left the fandom and the rest, we already know better. Secondly, I don't see many preconceived ideas of Taehyung that would make the fandom react in any of those two ways they reacted with Jimin and Jungkook.

They think he's queer, he was at a "queer" party ☑️

We all knew he's interested in fashion, he went to a fashion event ☑️

His friendship with Bogum was of public knowledge ☑️

Even him not waving or smiling to the fans was celebrated because the fandom already associates this "savage" and idgaf personality with him. ☑️

So pretty much all the boxes were ticked. It all checked out and that's why nobody had anything bad to say about him and why nobody cared.

If it had been Jimin, of course he was at a party with naked women. He probably went back to the hotel with all of them and they had sex while drugged.

If it had been Jungkook, no, you probably confused him with someone else, he wouldn't be at a party with girls, much less naked ones. Boobs are gross to him.

Once again, it also goes to show who's running the narratives in the fandom. Jimin went to a bar almost four years ago and the story has been so twisted and changed, it turned into him picking up minors, paying escorts, doing cocaine, who knows what else. I can't believe they're still lying about it to this day.

Anyways, I'm really tired of Taehyung stans. They don't have a moment of peace in their hearts. The way they just act as if Taehyung doesn't chain smoke even while being on schedules, but God forbid Jimin ever gets drunk in his free time. Let's not even get into how nicotine IS a drug, so by their own rules I should be allowed to call Taehyung a drug addict. He most likely smokes weed, too. Reality checks are already all lined up and up and coming for them, I'm afraid.

[eskewcity]

is the shitty undergrad storytime an offer to your friends/mutuals over dms, or the general public of ur followers? i dont mean to be overfamiliar, but if you wanna post it for the general public id love to hear it lol

no literally it's for anyone because I hate him so much that the offer is open for the general public. I usually am not comfortable with sharing super personal information but in this case I am the one who said anyone could ask so its cool :)

so to begin his name is trent. and yes that's his real name because I can't be bothered to make a fake one and he deserves to be blasted. i would like to state as a bit of background info that I am unintentionally a darling of the history department at my school. I don't know how it happened because I wouldn't necessarily call myself a model student but my one professor offered me a research job for the summer of my freshman year and I have worked close with him on various projects ever since. this has also made me close with the other professors and yes to brag I did win an award because of it :} anyways we are besties blah blah blah it gave me an ego blah blah blah

in comes Trent my sophomore year. he immediately wants to get in the good graces of the department and is just a general kiss ass to everyone there. he does a lot of things to really get professor s. (the professor i work with) to like him but he doesn't really buy into it because he can see through bullshit including mine while I'm writing my capstone lol.

anyways Trent already doesn't like me because I took his spot as a friend to the faculty even though I was there a year earlier. add on the fact that I was (briefly) the treasurer of the history club on campus (I didn't do anything because pandemic and then I went abroad) which is the position he wanted but I got elected.

okay sorry that was a lot of build up for the thing he did that made me cry. so last year, prof s. approached me to essentially work as an online monitor for his class which was half online and on person. basically, I was to watch anyone that raised their hands via zoom and call on them since my professor was in the classroom and couldn't always spot them. I was told explicitly to first pick anyone who doesn't often speak and not necessarily go in the order that people raised their hands. if im honest, it was a really frustrating job for something so simple. I could see students roll their eyes at me when I wouldn't call on them first and it was overall an uncomfortable experience for me because I consider myself a rather reserved person who now has to interrupt almost every class.

so one day I'm calling on people and Trent raises his hand. however a lot of other people also raise their hand that don't often speak so I have to go to them first. I could tell he was getting antsy but I didn't think much of it. when it gets to him, instead of answering the question he decides to berate me endlessly. he goes on to talk about how if my professor's "helper" had picked him earlier that he would have been able to answer and just is insulting me. mind you this is in front of a 30 person class. then he mutes himself looking smug and i was shocked. thankfully the class was almost over so it ended and I just cried after that. like the job was difficult enough but he just made me feel like total shit. I ended up sending him an email to tell him to come to me privately if he has a problem with me instead of announcing it in front of the entire class. needless to say he never emailed me back instead he apologized to MY PROFESSOR for interrupting class. my friend who was even in the class talked to professor s. about it because people were just so rude to me when I did this job <3 anyways professor s. took my side but I have not forgiven Trent for being such an asshole and not even being apologetic about it like I’m not a human being with feelings

idc if seems like im overreacting and overly sensitive but literally terrible terrible time I hope he rots and his entire bloodline is cursed xoxo

[joshslater]

Quarantine & VR

5500-word story, so I used the Keep Reading feature for once. Similar stories and bonus material on my Patreon.

“Are you sure you’re OK with this?”

We were slowly driving through an eerily empty city center from my student flat next to campus on one side of town to Ethan’s flat on the other, with all my belongings stuffed in the back of the U-Haul. Not that I had so much stuff we needed one. I just moved into the state right before the semester started, but it was the cheapest rental we could get. No one is going anywhere with this lockdown in effect. We barely had time to read the syllabus before everything screeched to a halt. You thought we’d know by now how to handle pandemics, but nooo.

“I wouldn’t have helped you clear out your shit if I wasn’t. Bit late to ask now.” “Yeah, but it seemed like the polite thing to do.”

Ethan turned towards me and spoke with a more serious tone. “I’m really happy to have you stay at my place. I think I would go mad staying alone. Go mad or go home, and I don’t think being locked up with the parents would be better.”

He was about as new in the city as I was, but his aunt had moved out of an old apartment last year and his parents had decided to take over the lease. Apparently it was even cheaper than the student apartments and much larger, but further away from campus. Though where it was in the city didn’t really matter as long as this lockdown was going on.

���Someone else is out at least”, I said indicating out the window. Across the street, a police officer with a navy blue face mask followed our truck with his eyes. Or her eyes I guess. Hard to tell in uniform and mask. I don’t know why, but I found it a rather good look. I hate the flimsy paper masks, but these form-fitted ones kind of make you look more badass.

“Do you think he looks sexy like that?” he asked, as if he had the same thought. “It’s a bit dystopian sci-fi, but that’s not to say it doesn’t look good.” “Take next right. The one after is one way.”

The apartment had two bedrooms, a large living room, decent bathroom and kitchen. Ethan’s aunt had left some furniture, but overall there wasn’t that much stuff. Makes sense as he had barely been here a month. That’s how he had a sparsely furnished extra bedroom for me to use. This was only the second time I had been in the apartment. Ethan forced me to have a look in person before he allowed me to agree to stay with him. Now standing there with all my belongings in the truck outside and my student flat lease canceled, I realized we really didn’t know each other. I studied corporate finance and he medical computer science, whatever that meant. When I asked he tried to explain that almost everything in a hospital now has a computer in it, and a ton of work went into things like volumetric renderings of MRI scans and somewhere there I started to tune him out.

There really weren’t any overlapping circles between us, we studied completely different subjects, he was active in computer games and health, I was trying to get into the writing room of the student theatre company and looking to sign up in the cinema club. But both of us had the bright idea to start working in the student pub, and really hit it off during the start of school year party they threw for their workers. We decided to pick the same work schedule and found out we have the same taste in pop culture, music, books, movies.

And now I’m moving in with him.

He had the larger of the bedrooms with a queen-size bed in the middle, a desk with a few computers and screens set up, gaming computer chair, a reading chair. Basically his room was set up so he could live there except for visits to the kitchen and bathroom. My room didn’t have a desk, but a normal bed, an armchair that looked comfortable, and more wardrobe space than I would ever need. He told me that I could basically consider the living room as mine as well. It had two couches in front of a big flat screen. By the balcony door stood a workout bench and weights. Barbell, plates, dumbbells, and that kind of stuff. Apparently it wasn’t Ethan’s but his uncle’s, but that didn’t really make a difference here and now.

Moving my stuff only took a few runs up the stairs, so we were soon back in the truck, returning it to the rental place. Ethan really didn’t have to come with me, but he said that this would probably be the last adventure for a while, and decided to come along.

“You’re supposed to buy pizza and beer for everyone who helps you move, right? What do you fancy?” “I’d like… You know what? We’re not going to get out much, and you don’t look like someone on a strict diet. Oh, no offense!” “None taken.” “How about we both keep healthy macros and workout regimen while locked up. Instead of paying rent you can help me make sure I at least isn’t in worse shape when all this shit ends.” “Macros?” “Diet.” “Sure I can do that, if you show me what to do.” “It’s a deal then. I’d like one with Gorgonzola and ham.” “Come again?” “The pizza topping. I’m allowed one cheat day per pandemic.”

The pizza place was only a block away from the apartment. Just this one time it was great, as we walked back with one quattro formaggi and one bresaola. But it would be so much harder to eat whatever Ethan had in his plans knowing a real wood fire oven pizza was just four minutes walk away.

Unprompted Ethan started to tell his story over pizza. How his father was a successful businessman in Arkansas, but his hometown always felt too small for him. He talked about how he was making synth music in school. How that made him interested in computers. How, since it was such a small town, he had ended up on the football team without any desire or skill to actually play the game. How he had almost by accident found this education program and had looked forward to both leave Arkansas and to study. I too did a year be year recap of my life so far, up to how my girlfriend dumped me just before the summer. In a way that was lucky, because it made me feel free from obligations and actually do what I wanted.

It was 9:21 when I woke up from a knock on the door. I was a bit disoriented for a second until I remembered where I was. I was sleeping in the guest bed left by Ethan’s aunt. After the pizza we did continue to talk over beer all evening, but I didn’t feel any hangover. Just thirsty. It wasn’t that early in the morning anymore on the other hand. “Yep” I called out. “I’m making breakfast,” Ethan called out from the other side of the door. “Coming”.

It literally only took me seconds to get ready. Stand up. Sweatpants. T-shirt. Done. In the kitchen I saw Ethan had a similar fashion sense, but had gone for shorts instead. “Porridge is fine with you? It would be good if it is. Lots of fibers.” I couldn’t really recall if I liked porridge and told him as much. The porridge itself didn’t taste much, but with toppings I could get used to it. “With our schedule in our own hands I think it would be a good idea to start out with breakfast and work out. That way we can get it out of the way.” Sounded sensible enough.

I changed into shorts as well and made myself ready to do my part of becoming Ethan’s gym buddy. At a quick glance we didn’t look that different, Ethan and I. On one hand I never had that big of an appetite, but on the other I had never really done any sports, and had no gym experience, so I let Ethan guide me. He tested different motions and how many times I could do them with weights he selected and noted down the results in a notebook that would log my progress. It wasn’t at all as tiring as I thought it would be. “Oh, you’ll feel it tomorrow for sure.” We each took a shower, and I went back to my room to catch up on my reading.

A few hours later I was starting to think about lunch. More because I was getting tired of reading than actually being hungry, but I thought I should ask Ethan if he had a plan. The door to his room was open, but as I got closer it became apparent it was an oversight on his part. Splayed on the bed was Ethan, naked save for a pair of boxer shorts and a big VR goggles. His right hand was massaging his obviously erect dick through the fabric of his underwear. He must have followed his normal routine and forgotten I had moved in. I’m not a prude and do the occasional tug myself, like any student, so I was more embarrassed than shocked. As on autopilot, my mind decided to ignore Ethan and continue walking to the kitchen to assess the lunch situation, but another part of my brain decided to keep him in sight.

Walking without watching in an apartment I’ve been in for all of 18 hours predictably made me jam my toe into the door frame. In the corner of my eye I could see Ethan’s body spasm and ripping off his VR goggles as I yell out in pain and surprise. He stared right at me, eyes wide open and mouth ajar in an expression that was hard to read. Surprise for sure, but also something else in between horror and delight. Perhaps it was like the smiles and laughter after you have completely made a fool of yourself. My eyes were drawn to his, and I could feel my face twisted in pain. It was like time stood still, waiting for either of us to make the next move. Out of sheer momentum my mind continued ahead as if nothing had changed and blurted out “What’s your plan for lunch?” over whatever Ethan said at the same time.

“What?” and an awkward pause again. “I said would you like to try?” “I… What is it?”

Ethan put down the VR kit on the bed, quickly got up and stepped into his pair of shorts. His erection was still very much apparent. He pressed escape on one of the keyboards and the screen switched from one incomprehensible menu to another.

“It’s a virtual reality system. I’m using an open source environment system to render inputs from an interactive story engine controlled by a GAN AI system. I’ve been experimenting with regenerative NLP feedback loop plugins for it.” “I followed you all the way up to and including virtual reality system.” “It’s like a VR movie that is generated specifically for you. Here.”

He picked up the bulky goggles and held it out to me. It wasn’t just goggles, but a pair of headphones were built in, and there were a few additional sensors glued on. Hesitantly, and with a throbbing toe, I stepped forward and took the headset. It wasn’t as heavy as it looked. I put it on my head and as it settled into place a digital version of Ethan’s room wobbled into place as well. It was remarkably similar. The colors and patterns were all slightly wrong, but the layout of the room and placement of furniture was almost spot on. I assume he had measured everything at one point and put in the data somehow.

“Go lie on the bed.” Ethan told me. I very tentatively stepped towards the bed, and feeling my way there. It was somehow surprised to find a bed where the digital bed was, and although the visuals of the sheets didn’t quite line up with what I felt, if you just moved quick enough the illusion of actually being in the digital room felt very real.

“This is so weird.” “I’ll start a blank session for you.” “A what?”

Almost immediately a guy entered the room through the door frame. This must be some VR video recording or something because he looked completely real. About the same age as Ethan and I but more fit and, I’ll admit, better looking. He looked flush and sweaty, with his french crop unkempt as if he had just ruffled it. He wore a navy blue sweatshirt and sweatpant shorts. I couldn’t see further down from my position. “Fuck, that was so dope! I love getting pump like that, you know what I’m saying” He was stretching his arms in different ways. Then he zoned in on me, like he was actually looking me over. “Fuck, I love how you look, babe. Mind if I join?” I shake my head slowly. He breaks out in a big smile. I notice he has a bit of a sweatpants boner. Carefully he climbs into bed, next to me. There’s no vibrations of course, or heat or smell, but everything I see looks utterly convincing.

“Hey, are you OK?” “What the…”

I’m looking into Ethan’s face as he stands over me. Bewildered I pat my head.

“I removed it once the program stopped. Didn’t shake you from your sleep one bit. I guess it wasn’t that interesting for you.” “It was very convincing. I fell asleep?” “Perhaps moving stressed you more than you knew? Or it could just be, you know, how shit the world is right now.” “Fuck… I only wanted to ask about lunch.” “A bit late for that. It’s like four and something. Let’s wait an hour or two more and have dinner. Ok with you?” “Sounds dope.”

It was like neither of us wanted to talk about what had happened. I certainly had questions. Had I just fallen asleep like that? Perhaps he was right and I had been anxious about the move and how things would work out. And what was up with that program? It wasn’t gay, exactly, and it didn’t mean Ethan was gay, and if he was there wasn’t anything wrong with that. All of it was just so confusing. Perhaps Ethan was right to just pretend it didn’t happen. Poor guy. I walked in on him watching porn, and then I fell asleep when he tried to show his system. Watching the news on how ever more countries were shutting down was probably time better spent.

He had not joked about being sore in the morning. I woke earlier than in weeks feeling stiff as hell. I didn’t want to wake Ethan, but I couldn’t just lie there in agony, so I got up and did some bodyweight repetitions. Squats, push-ups, dips, and stuff like that just to get some blood flowing. It honestly felt great. Me doing morning gymnastics! Who would have guessed that a week ago? When I left my room I found out Ethan was already up, but didn’t want to wake me up.

“Dude, we need to sort that shit out. I’m ok with you making noise when you’re up. You live here.” “You live here too. What if whoever gets up first makes breakfast and wakes the other up.” “Yeah, dope. I’m down with that.”

We quickly worked out the kinks in our schedule. I would typically wake up first, do a quick workout routine in my room. Then set the breakfast and wake up Ethan. Then we would do workout together. We had different weights and number of reps, but we had very quickly settled on the same exercises, though Ethan was still adjusting my form ever so often. Ethan would then shower first while I did stretches. We then kept to ourselves until lunch. Ethan cooked for both of us. Depending on what we felt like and needed we would either go back to study or do something like shopping or that kind of stuff in the afternoon.

It was hard to keep track of time, but I think it was on a Sunday four weeks later when Ethan said during breakfast that he wanted to show me something he had worked on. He moved the workout bench and the barbell stuff to just outside his room and told me to lie down. The bar had no plates on it, and that’s how I’ve used it until two days ago when I started to add extra weight to it. Ethan emerged out of his room with the VR set in hand, and a trail of cables running in into one of his computers. “Here, give this a go.”

I was a bit surprised, given the last time, but I was also curious what he had to show. Once snugly fitted on my head I was transported into a real gym. It wasn’t a very large one, but a few people did their thing around me. He almost scared me, the guy with the french crop, when he called out “Hey, bro!” just to my left. He had the same navy blue sweatpant shorts as the last time, but his upper body was bare, glistening muscles. He took a step back and his eyes were scanning me up and down. “Dude, you look so fucking good! You’ve really been hitting the weights.” I smiled and immediately realized that I was smiling at an avatar that wasn’t actually there and couldn’t see me, but it’s amazing how good some positive reinforcement feels, even if it is from a program. Perhaps that was the surprise from Ethan.

“Here, show me what you got!”

He walked around me, through the couch I knew was there in the real room, and stood behind me. I leaned back fully on the bench and looked up. He stood over me, just behind my head, so all I saw was a navy blue bulge, some abs and pecs, and his face looking down on me. “Go on, I’ve got you.” I could somehow feel him standing over me. Was Ethan spotting me in the real world? Not that it matters with an empty bar. I grabbed it. It felt heavy. “Good. Give me 15.” He started counting as I lifted. “Slower on the way down. Keep control all the way. Ten more” As I was getting to fifteen he upped it a bit. “Come one! Five more!” As I sat the bar back I felt utterly exhausted. “Fucking awesome, dude!”

“You really went all out.” “What?”

I was lying on the workout bench but I wasn’t wearing any VR shit. I sat up and hit my head in the barbell.

“Fuck! Dude, what the hell!” “The idea was for it to be motivational, but you really took it to heart.” “It was fucking dope, bro. I’m so pumped. Guy was kind of cute too.” “You think?” “Fuck, yeah. I wish I had those pecs.” “You better start some supplements then, if you can’t even last a virtual session.” “What you mean, dude?” “It’s already lunch.” “Fuck dammit!”

I rubbed my head where I had hit it and looked around the room. It looked mostly like before, but the sun had clearly moved ahead. Fuck, I really felt pumped to get some reps in hard and really make a difference. Perhaps lunch, and then do my daily sets.

“You ok with shopping without me after lunch?” “Sure. You need anything?” “I… You said supplements.”

Fortunately for me I have a roommate that studies medicine, kind of. Well, he hasn’t actually gone to any of the classes yet, but he has the books, so he picked out some things for me to boost me. Some of it looked like medicine, in small plastic jars with scientific-sounding names that could just as well have been a frat house. Alpha-omega-manganese-BS-whatever. Some of it decidedly did not look like medicine. Enormous containers with lids that looked too fucking small, with names like amazing-gainz-ultra. He set up a regimen for me to follow, basically some stuff with every meal. I started right away that evening with something like a vanilla and chalk milkshake after dinner. I don’t know why, but something made me feel really good drinking it.

I slept fucking fantastic, and despite having done way more lifting the day before than ever I barely felt any soreness or anything. I probably woke up Ethan with my harder than normal pre-breakfast cardio. Lots of burpees and jumping jacks, so I almost felt guilty making breakfast while steaming sweaty, but whatever. Ethan had to remind me what supplements to take. I really should have written that shit down.

I had a strong deja vu while doing weights. It wasn’t until Ethan spotted barbell for me I realized that this was almost exactly what I had seen doing the VR shit. I looked up and saw Ethan standing over me similar to the guy, but Ethan was wearing grey sweatpant shorts and a red tank. I kind of wished he was topless as well, like the other guy.

“You ok down there?” “Fucking dope, bro”

I realized I must have zoned out a bit. What’s worse I could feel I rocked a hard erection out of nowhere. Rather than making a deal out of it, and run to the shower, I decided to pretend like everything is normal. Guys get boners all the times. He’s a guy, so he knows that. I even did a few extra exercises to really drive home that point. While Ethan took his shower I dared to lower my shorts and slowly stroke my dick. I haven’t cummed once since moving in with Ethan, which I realized was longer than I’ve gone in years. The days were blurring together. I hadn’t watched porn either since moving in. I’ve been too preoccupied with the move and everything else going on.

“All yours” Ethan said and closed the door to his room. I just froze. I was sitting on the workout bench, shorts by my ankles and dick in hand. He saw that. There is no way he didn’t see that. I could feel my face getting hot by embarrassment, yet I continued to sit there and stroke my dick. What the fuck is wrong with me. My mind flashed to Ethan, to the guy in the VR, to his bulge just above my eyes, to his abs to the barbell, to the free weights.

No. I got up and took a long shower, trying really hard to not think about anything. Just observing the tiles, the shampoo bottles, the soap. But there were the creeping thoughts that perhaps Ethan will find me a weird creep and kick me out. How would he do it? He’s been far too nice to be direct. Would he bring up this incident or would he just wait a week or something and over one lunch say something vague like we are not as good of a match as he hoped? Fuck. I needed to do something.

I couldn’t concentrate at all on the block on taxation I was supposed to read. Apart from the residual thoughts of unease I was beginning to see what a mistake it was to not cum in the shower. I was very close to surfing porn sites, but decided against it and ended up aimlessly browsing social media. I can’t really explain how, a hundred clicks that trended in that direction perhaps, but I got into the circles of fitness instagram people. Big arms, broad chests, and slinky stringers. Somehow I was hard again. Stealthily I walked back to the bathroom, locked the door, and started to jerk off in the shower. I’d been saving for a week and been hot all day, but somehow it took quite a while to shoot the load. My mind was a soup of barbells, Ethan, sweatpant shorts, vague old porn clips, and more recent instagram models. When I finally came it was like I’ve never orgasmed before in my life. Rope after rope shot out of me, the first few even hit the wall, and my hips involuntary thrust forward for each of them. I felt cleansed in a way, like a weight had been lifted from me. I couldn’t really understand why, though. Nothing had really changed.

I didn’t want to go back to my room and study. I rinsed the shower, got a pad and a pen, and went to the kitchen to get on top of the supplements. I decided to write down all the ingredients from the labels. I had just accepted Ethan’s plan uncritically. It’s probably fine, but I wanted to understand it. That’s where Ethan found me.

“Hey, dude. Already hungry?” “Yeah… No… I don’t know, bro.” “You don’t know?” “It’s like… Fuck. You saw, bro.” “Saw what? You jerking off?” He laughed and sat down. “You saw me doing it first.”

He was right, of course. I didn’t know how that could have slipped my mind.

“Was it porn?” I didn’t know why I asked that. I was curious, but it also felt a bit too personal of a question. “Yeah. Wanna see?”

Before I even had time to respond he continued “Let’s fill up your macros first and then I can show you. If past experiences are any indications you’ll take your time.” “Already jacked off today.” Why did I tell him that? “Even better”

Ethan had this ever changing dish where he would chop and fry vegetables like bell pepper, chili, garlic, ginger, onion, peas, and whatever else was around, pour in coconut milk and whatever spices you craved that day green curry or red curry for Thai, madras curry for Indian, Soy and miso for Japanese, anise and szechuan for Chinese, saffron and parmesan for Italian, and so on. Then serve it with pasta or grains or rice. I helped him prepare it, as I always do unless he started making it without telling me. This time however the air was different, filled with tension and awkward anticipation. He made it with chicken, lemon grass, and brown rice this time. We hardly spoke a word while cooking, and then continued to eat in silence. We both knew what was on my mind, and there wasn’t any question on the subject that wouldn’t be awkward. I was weirdly looking forward to trying out whatever it was he wanted me to try. I couldn’t explain why it felt so compelling to me. Just thinking about it made me hard. “You clean up here and I’ll go and set it up for you,” he said as soon as his plate was empty. “Yeah,” was all I could manage, and he left. I finished my plate as well, put the few things we’ve used in the dishwasher and went to his room.

His bed was made and on it was the VR headset and what I first though was a protein drink shaker. “Dude, is that a… fleshlight?” I asked him both with incredulity and genuine curiosity. Curiosity because a cable ran from it to one of the boxes on the floor that connected to his computers, and incredulity because I couldn’t believe he thought I would use one of his sex toys.

“Yes. No. Not exactly. It’s modified to connect into the haptic subsystem.” “Haptic?” “Force feedback” “It’s a vibrator, bro.” “Eh.. No. Well, not only. You’ll see.” “Why do you think I’d touch that, bro?” Though somewhere inside I knew I would. “It’s a brand new inset. You’ll be fine.”

I walked up to the bed and suddenly wasn’t sure what to do. I would need to at least lower my shorts and boxers to get the until-recently-fleshlight on my dick, but Ethan was still in the room. Not only in the room but almost studying me like a lab project.

“I’ll lie down?” “Got to strip first,” he said motioning towards my tenting shorts. He saw me hesitated and continued “Dude, I just saw you jerk off in the living room this morning”. I blushed and pulled down my shorts and boxers, and stepped out of them. “Shirt too,” he said. I removed that as well and stood naked in front of him. “Wow, you are making progress. Ok, on the bed and hook yourself up. Red dot up.” I climbed into the bed, as he told me, and grabbed the cyber-fleshlight and pushed it down on my hard dick with the red dot up towards my head. There was some sort of lubrication in it and it slid on with very little effort. It must have been heated as well, because the lubrication didn’t make it feel cold. I was given a nod from Ethan and put on the helmet over my eyes and ears.

The alternative version of Ethan’s bedroom was already there, waiting for me. I looked around and as far as I could tell everything looked like in the real world, except no Ethan of course. After half a minute, perhaps more, I was almost about to ask if he had started it when the French crop guy jumped in through the doorway, as if he was in a hurry. He was naked except for a pair of white, tight speedos that both highlighted his big package and created a reference point for his deep tan and made it look even deeper. There was a sheen over all his body, like he had been working out hard or oiled himself up, and he was breathing heavy. “Sorry, I’m late. I didn’t expect you so soon,” he panted. I didn’t know what to say. “You want me to help you with that?” he asked and nodded towards my dick. I looked down and saw a massive erection, easily twice my real size. “As an apology…” he continued.

“Yeah, sure bro.”

He made the cutest little jump of joy in response, and caught my smile. He composed himself and locked eyes with me. Then he started some sort of dance where all the movement was in his hips and abs. Then he added more of the upper body, still keeping eye contact. I thought I would hose him down with cum from my monster penis right there, so sexy was it. He smirked and moved closer. Still swaying he leaned forward and licked the head of my dick, which shot pleasure up my spine. He then started to circle the head with his tongue, before taking it into his mouth. The first few times were shallow, but then he stopped teasing and begun to really do down deep on the dick. In addition I could feel him alternate between stroking my hips, the insides of my thighs, and tugging my balls. Just as I was about to nut he stopped working on my dick and started to slowly run his tongue up my faint abs, circling my nipple. I was squirming in horny delight.

He was straddling me now, face to face. I couldn’t resist it any longer and reached to pull him towards me and kiss him on the mouth. There was a loud crack of plastic against plastic as our VR helmets collided. “Dude?” I was looking at the French crop guy who was moving his hands in front of his eyes. “Ethan?” I asked, suddenly realizing what was going on. The French crop guy looked bashful, did a little wave, and answered in not-Ethan’s voice “Yeah.”

“Did you just blow me?” “I wasn’t… No, it’s still the device.” I hesitated, considering briefly what this would mean. “Would you like to?”

[en-theheights]

I’m a little late, but Andi Mack literally ended two years ago, and that is like the craziest thing ever.

i’m still super appreciative of this fandom and everything that as a collective whole we’ve been through. we’ve had plenty of ups and down, but i feel like we all came together to try and save this incredible story, and although we didn’t, it still just showed how much of an impact this show had on us that we reached the head of Disney Channel and Hulu (I know Hulu was SICK of us lol)

but with that being said..

I have more news that might shock everybody, but as a person that has just graduated high school and having a very present understanding of the way in which it kind of works, I would like to put out a shocking statement…

I believe that TJ and Cyrus are no longer together (and most likely Buffy and Marty as well).

Now, in a perfect fictional world, yes they probably would still be together, but what are the chances that a relationship started in middle school would continue to go on strong in high school?

By now, the Mack gang are all going to be Juniors in high school, so they’re bound to have found new friends, new clubs, new organizations, and new opportunities, which sometimes sadly comes with a growing distance between people.

Now let’s look closely at this. Granted, they actually started dating the summer before freshman year, but still, I stand by my statement that they’re not together. It’s kind of like Connor and Jude’s situation in The Fosters, they were the only two gay people they knew, and because of that, they were bound to end up together. but now, having expanded their horizon to new people, I think they would’ve started to grow apart little by little until they realized that they didn’t have very much in common, as well as the relationship starting to drift apart.

With TJ playing basketball, and Cyrus possibly joining a film club of some sort, they just start to not have as much time together. TJ’s friends are total opposites of Cyrus’ so trying to hang as a group was basically out of the question. while they had Buffy and Jonah, that was kind of it (I didn’t include Andi cause technically she’s at that art school and i’m talking about hanging at school).

let’s also look at this in a hypothetical way. If Andi Mack was to have been picked up for another season on Hulu, they probably would’ve started filming in September of 2019 (let’s also pretend that none of the actors were busy with other work) and they take a few moths to film, so it would’ve ended production possibly in January or February of 2020 (before the pandemic) and maybe had a few setback in post production cause of Covid, but still, season 4 comes out in like May or June of 2020. Hulu usually releases all episodes at once, so we would’ve gotten to watch all however-many-episodes in a day or two. hooray, it did really good and we’re getting another season. Now, because we are face-plant in the middle of a pandemic, the show would probably be delayed for a good few month and not start production until let’s say October or November of 2020. they finish in March or April due to some more difficulties, but the new season would probably be airing soon, about August or September of this year. Knowing Andi Mack, they’re going to have to have some type of plot that’s going to come in between Tyrus, whether that be another person, or what I was talking about. There’s no way that Tyrus is just this rainbow-sunshine-happy couple that haven’t had any hardships and a possible break up at this point.

I’m betting that the breakup either happened somewhere in the midst of Sophmore year or the summer before junior year, but i’m going with the first option. I don’t think the breakup would’ve been bad, in fact, I think they would’ve both agreed that them breaking up was for the best. Now, usually exes don’t stay friends, but i’ll leave them as that since this is a children’s show we’re talking about. I think both of them would’ve moved on eventually, Cyrus probably dating some nerdy techie guy and TJ might be dating some closeted athlete (sorry but this is high school we’re talking about, and lowkey TJ might be closeted too seeing as he’s playing a very toxic masculine sport. Only the ones super close to him knew about his relationship with Cyrus)

same goes for Buffy and Marty. They already had their many ups and downs before they even started dating, and they would’ve a hundred percent broken up.

I also thing that the Mack gang wouldn’t be close anymore like they use to and they most definitely don’t hang out like the use to, but i’ll save that for another post haha.

That’s just sadly the real world, and for somebody who started with a whole ass group of friends at the beginning of high school to now really only having one close friend, I can for sure say that nothing stays the same from middle school. (i’m sure there are some friend groups from MS out there that are still friends, but it’s probably REALLY rare).

lol, hope y’all liked my TED talk.

[letterboxd]

Wigging Out.

Choreographer and director Jonathan Butterell tells Gemma Gracewood about stepping behind the camera for Everybody’s Talking About Jamie, his love for Sheffield, and making sure queer history is kept alive. Richard E. Grant weighs in on tolerance and Thatcher.

Of 2021’s many conundrums, one for musical lovers is why the narratively problematic Dear Evan Hansen gets a TIFF premiere and theatrical release this month, while the joyously awaited Everybody’s Talking About Jamie went straight to Amazon Prime.

And yet, as the show’s lyrics go, life keeps you guessing, along came a blessing. There’s something about the film streaming onto young people’s home screens, with its moments of fourth-wall breaking where Jamie speaks straight to the viewer, that feels so important, given the content: a gay teen whose drag-queen destiny sits at odds with the less ambitious expectations of his working-class town.

Director and choreographer Jonathan Butterell, who also helmed the stage production (itself inspired by Jenny Popplewell’s 2011 BBC documentary, Jamie: Drag Queen at 16) agrees that the worldwide Amazon release is a very good silver lining. “I made the film for the cinema but, in 250 territories across the world, this is going to have a reach that—don’t get me wrong, cinema, cinema, cinema, collective experience, collective experience, collective experience—but it will get to people that it might not have got to before.

Jonathan Butterell on set with star Max Harwood, as Jamie.

“It feels as niche a story as you could possibly be. But also for me, I wanted it to feel like a universal story, that it didn’t matter where on any spectrum you found yourself, you could understand a young person wanting to take their place in the world freely, openly and safely.”

Everybody’s Talking About Jamie, with screenplay and lyrics by Tom MacRae and songs by Dan Gillespie Sells, sits neatly among a series of very specific feel-good British films about the working class experience, such as Billy Elliot, Kinky Boots and Pride. The film adds some historical weight to the story with a new song, ‘This Was Me’, which allows Jamie’s mentor, Hugo (played by Richard E. Grant), to take us into England’s recent past—the dark days of the discriminatory Section 28 laws, at a time when the HIV/AIDS epidemic was still ravaging the community.

Hugo’s drag persona Loco Chanelle (played in the flashback by the stage musical’s original Jamie—John McCrea from Cruella and God’s Own Country), sports a wig that looks suspiciously like the Iron Lady’s unmistakable head of hair. Grant confirms that was Hugo’s intention. “His heyday was in the 1980s, so as a ‘fuck you’ to Mrs Thatcher, what better than to be dressed up like that, at six-foot-eight, with a wig that could bring down the Taj Mahal!”

Richard E. Grant as Hugo, getting to work on Jamie’s contours.

In light of the current pandemic, and the fact that the 1967 legalization of homosexuality in Britain is only “an historical blink away”, Grant’s hope is for more tolerance in the world. “Maybe Covid gives people some sense of what that was like, but with Covid there’s not the prejudice against you, whereas AIDS, for the most part in my understanding, was [seen as] a ‘gay disease’, and there were many people across the globe who thought that this was, you know, whatever god they believe in, was their way of punishing something that they thought was unacceptable.

“The message of this movie is of inclusivity, diversity, and more than ever, tolerance. My god, we could do with a dose of that right now.”

Read on for our Q&A with Jonathan Butterell about the filmic influences behind Everybody’s Talking About Jamie.

Hugo in a reverie, surrounded by his drag menagerie.

Can we talk about the new song, ‘This Was Me’, and the way you directed it in the film? It’s a show-stopper, with Richard E. Grant singing in that beautiful high register, and then moving into Holly Johnson’s singing, as you go back in time to show that deeply devastating and important history. Jonathan Butterell: It felt inevitable, the shift, and necessary. Myself, Dan Gillespie Sells, the composer, and Tom MacRae, the screenwriter, we created this piece together, the three of us, and it’s a film by the three of us. We lived through that time, we went on those marches. Actually, in one of those marches [shown in flashback], Dan’s mum—actual mum—is in a wheelchair, by a young boy who was holding a plaque saying “my mum’s a lesbian and I love her”.

That is Dan with his mum back in the day, and it all speaks to our stories and it moves me, I can see it’s moving you. It moves me because I lived through that time, and it was a complex time for a young person. It was a time that you felt you had to be empowered in order to fight, and you felt very vulnerable because of the need to fight. And because of that disease, because HIV was prevalent and we lost people—we lost close people—it was a difficult time. I wanted to make sure that that story kept being told and was passed on to the next generation.

It’s so important isn’t it, to walk into the future facing backwards? It still exists, that need to fight still exists. The conversation, yes, has moved on, has changed, but not for all people and not in all communities.

What would be your go-to movie musical song at a karaoke night? My goodness. There’d be so many.

I mean, is it going to be a Cabaret, a Chicago showstopper, or something more Mary Poppins, something from Rent? I think what I would go to, which is what I remember as a little boy, is Curly singing ‘Oh, What A Beautiful Mornin’. It’s such a kind of perfect, beautiful, simple song. That, and ‘The Lonely Goatherd’, because I just want to yodel. It would be epic. Trust me.

What is the best film featuring posing and why is it Paris Is Burning? It’s always Paris Is Burning. Back in the day, I was obsessed with Paris Is Burning, I was obsessed with that world. In fact, at one moment I even met [director] Jennie Livingston in trying to make a theater piece inspired by that. I lived in New York for eleven years and I met Willi Ninja. I just adored everything about him, and he would tell me stories. And again, it was so removed from the boy from Sheffield, I mean so far. That New York ballroom scene was so removed from my world, but I got it. Those two boys at the top of the film, I just wanted to be one of those boys who just hung out outside the club.

Harwood and Butterell on set, with Lauren Patel (right) as Jamie’s bestie Pritti Pasha.

What films did you and Tom and Dan look at to get a feeling for how to present the musical numbers? Actually, a lot of pop videos, from present day to past. There’s an homage, in the black-and-white sequences, to a little ‘Vogue’ Madonna moment. Pop is very central to me in this story because pop is what a working-class kid from a working-class community will be listening to. That’s in his phone, that’s in his ears. Not that many young people listen to much radio at this moment in time, but that’s what will be on Margaret’s radio, that’s what’s coming into the kitchen. And that was central to the storytelling for me.

Bob Fosse also really influenced me, and particularly All That Jazz and where his flights of imagination take him. I felt that was so appropriate for Jamie, and again in a very, very different way, but I could see how Jamie’s imagination could spark something so fantastical that would lead him to dance, lead him to walk on the most amazing catwalk, lead into being in the most fabulous, fabulous nightclub with the most amazing creatures you’ve ever met in your life.

For me personally, the film that most inspired me was Ken Loach’s Kes, because that is my community. Both the world in which Jamie exists—Parsons Cross council estate, is my world, is my community—and the world of that young boy, finding his place in the world with his kestrel friend, I remember identifying with that boy so clearly. He was very different from me, very different. But I got him, and I felt like Ken Loach got me through him.

Ken Loach made a few films set in Sheffield, didn’t he? But also, Sheffield is a setting and an influence on The Full Monty, The History Boys, Funny Cow and that brilliant Pulp documentary. So Jamie feels like a natural successor. It absolutely does. Sheffield’s where I grew up, it’s my hometown. Although I moved away from it, I always return. To have a chance to celebrate my community, and particularly that community in Parsons Cross council estate. If you’re in Sheffield and you’re in a taxi and you said, “Take me to Parsons Cross,” they’d say, “Well, I’ll drop you there, but I’m not staying.” Because again there’s a blinkered view of that community. And I know that community to be proud, glorious and beautiful.

And yes, that community, particularly through the ’80s, really suffered because some of that community would serve the steelworks and had three generations of unemployment, so they became disenfranchised because of that. But the community I grew up in, my Auntie Joan, who lived on that road, literally on that road, was a proud, working class, glorious woman who served chips at school.

Aside from Everybody’s Talking About Jamie, what would be the most important queer British cinematic story to you? (And how do you choose between My Beautiful Laundrette and God’s Own Country?!) You can’t. My Beautiful Laundrette influenced me so much because, one, Daniel Day Lewis was extraordinary in that film, and two, because of the cross-cultural aspect of it. I went, “I know this world”, because again I grew up in that world. And it affirmed something in me, which is the power and the radicalness of who I could be and what I could be.

With God’s Own Country, when I saw that film—and that was Francis’ first film, which I thought was extraordinary for a first-time filmmaker—I knew he knew that world from the inside, from the absolute inside. And I know what that rural community was like. I read that script, because we share agents, and I was blown away by it—again, because of the two cultures coming together.

Jamie Campbell, the film’s real-life inspiration, with screen-Jamie Max Harwood.

Richard E. Grant’s character, Hugo, is such a pivotal mentor for Jamie. What did you need to hear from a mentor when you were sixteen? Don’t let yourself hold yourself back, because I think it was me who put some limitations on myself. And of course I came from a working-class community. I was a queer kid in a tough British comprehensive school. And did I experience tough times? Yes I did. And did I deal with those tough times? Yes I did. But the song that speaks to me mostly in this is ‘Wall in my Head’, in which Jamie takes some responsibility for the continuation of those thoughts, continuations of the sorts of shame, and that’s a sophisticated thing for a sixteen-year-old boy to tackle.

I also was lucky enough to have a mother like Margaret—and a dad like Margaret as well, just to be clear! And I remember my mum, at seventeen when I left home, just leaving a little note on my bed. It was quite a long letter. She said, Jonathan, you’ve probably chosen to walk a rocky path, but don’t stray from it, don’t steer away from it. That’s the path you've chosen, there may be rock-throwers along the way, but you’ll find your way through it. That stayed with me and I think that’s what resonates with me. And when I saw that documentary, Jamie: Drag Queen at 16, I felt that that sparked the need for me to tell that story.

Sarah Lancashire as Jamie’s mum, Margaret New.

We need more mums and dads like Margaret, don’t we? We do, we do. And the wonderful thing is, Margaret Campbell will say it and I think Margaret New in the film will say it: she’s not a Saint, she’s an ordinary mum. And she has to play catch up and she doesn’t understand in many ways, and she gets things wrong and she overprotects. But she comes from one place and that is a mum’s love of her child and wanting them to take their place safely in the world and to be fully and totally themselves.

Related content

Eternal Alien’s list of films Made in Sheffield

Letterboxd’s Camp Showdown

Persephon’s list of films recommended by drag queens

Passion’s list of films mentioned by Jaymes Mansfield in her Drag Herstory YouTube series

Follow Gemma on Letterboxd

‘Everybody’s Talking About Jamie’ is streaming now on Amazon Prime Video.

[rosecarat]

everyone has a right to cleanliness and sanitation during this pandemic in public spaces- everyone. but i feel like a lot of retail/customer service workers haven’t talked about how (mainly white) people have been weaponizing it as a way to treat us workers like shit? like, i literally had this couple come in with ALL THERE KIDS during the height of the pandemic when lines were to the back of my store (i work in a wholesale club btw) and literally stand there and force me to take a wipe and clean off all of their items including their literal food and talk to me like i was less than in the process of it. my coworker & friend had a group of guys come in to buy a tv (again, height of the pandemic and we were supposed to only leave for essential buying) and literally made him GET ON HIS KNEES and wipe his shoes? not to mention i had this woman literally look and me and my friend up and down, skip our empty line to wait in the line next to us that was taking to long, get mad bc we didn’t move her stuff to our line fast enough, got even more mad bc we had to find a price on a shirt, then proceeded to say “oh i’m gonna go put this in the car bc my high risk husband is waiting so i’ll come back for the shirt” and when she does come back in she BRINGS IN her apparently high risk husband who also begins to yell at us bc she told him WE asked him to come inside which literally doesn’t make sense and it was quite obvious she was lying but me and my friend ended up allegedly getting reported to corporate for asking a high risk person to come in the store when literally that never happened and there was nothing the man could do for us in the first place. like maybe it’s a little late to be saying this this far in the pandemic but like i’ll never forgive the way you assholes treated essential workers especially in the cases where you left the house for nonessential reasons and it was truly fucking traumatizing.