#I’m not emotionally stable enough for ‘it’ll pass’

[wewontbesleeping]

I really want to watch fleabag again but I can’t emotionally handle it. So. I’ll come back to it eventually

[jungshookz]

skate a little piece of my heart; jjk

➺ pairing; jeon jungkook x reader

➺ genre; rollerskatinginstructor!jungkook!! sfw!! fluff!! honk honk humour!! jungkook is a very handsome instructor and y/n can’t tell if that’s a bad thing or a good thing

➺ wordcount; 6.3k

➺ summary; your two left feet and complete lack of balance isn’t the only thing that’s making you weak in the knees this valentine’s day. 

➺ what to expect; “rollerskating is already hard enough as it is, and now i have to do it in front of him?!” 

➺ currently spinning on the record player; how deep is your love; bee gees

                                     »»————-　💫  ————-««

“this is so dumb.”

“safety is never dumb, y/n!” taehyung raps his knuckles against the top of your helmet and you scowl before swatting his hand away, “now, where are your kneepads?”

you let out a groan before tilting your head back slowly, your eyes widening in slight panic at the surprisingly hefty weight of the helmet

your arms flail for a second and you immediately reach up to grip both sides of the helmet before forcing your head back up

jesus

you nearly snapped your own neck there

of course, snapping your own neck would mean not being able to skate because you’d technically be dead… so maybe that’s not such a bad idea after all…

(by the way, it’s concerning how many times you’ve considered literal death just to get out of doing something.)

“are you going to lift your leg for me or do i have to do everything for you?”

you look down to see taehyung down on the ground in front of you holding one of the knee pads and you frown lightly before lifting your leg and placing your sock-clad foot on his knee

“please tell me this is the last of the safety gear…” you whine, “tae, i literally look so dorky right now- no one else is wearing helmets or knee and elbow pads!” you gesture to seokjin and namjoon who are busy putting on their skates over on the other bench before scoffing lightly and crossing your arms 

if namjoon (arguably the klutziest one out of this group of people) isn’t even wearing a helmet, then what does that say about you??

you’ve seen him trip over nothing and scrape both his knees so why are you the only one wearing all of this junk?!

“i took you ice-skating over christmas and you fell flat on your ass more times than i could count, and you insisted that you didn’t need any safety equipment even though it was alarmingly clear that you did. i basically spent two hours making sure you didn’t die-” taehyung looks up at you with a raised brow, “do you want to fall and split your skull open in front of everyone?”

“if it means not having to gear up in all this dorkware- then, yes. i would love to have my brains splat across the rink in front of everyone. in fact, that would probably be less embarrassing-” you grumble, flinching slightly as taehyung suddenly yanks hard to tighten up your laces, “i’m an adult, taehyung! grown-ups don’t need to wear all of this!” 

“grown-ups don’t throw tantrums either, but here you are…” taehyung mutters under his breath, putting your foot down before giving your knee a slap, “perfect! we’re good to go!”

“yeah, yeah…” you reach under to scratch at your elbow only to feel your nails scrape against the smooth surface of the plastic protection shell and you resist the urge to rip it off out of frustration

taehyung decided that it’d be a great idea to bring everyone to a rollerskating rink for valentine’s day this year instead of… letting people go out to intimate dinners and celebrate on their own… because, quote, ‘i just want all of us to spend more time together, and what better day to do that then on valentine’s day?? …ooh, we should call it pal-entine’s day. ha! get it?? because we’re all pals-’

(he was dumped recently, so everyone’s kind of letting him run the ship for now. …basically, no one can say no to taehyung unless they want to see him burst into tears. he’s still in a very delicate state.)

but, honestly… a rollerskating rink!

out of all the places to go to!

you already have two left feet, so forcing said left feet into shoes with wheels is a horrible idea

“i think it’d be best if i just sat back and watched you guys!” you try for the umpteenth time to get taehyung to let you off the hook, “plus, they sell chilli dogs here and they actually smell really good and i kind of want to order one for myself even though it might end in me having to get my stomach pumped-” you gesture back towards the refreshments counter and taehyung shakes his head before sticking his hand out for you

“there’s plenty of time for you to scarf down a rubbery hotdog later- now, c’mon-”

“i don’t even know how to skate!”

“that’s fine, you’ll learn! it’ll be like riding a bicycle except you are the bicycle-”

“you know, i’m just going to be complaining the whole time, and it’s going to ruin your time here. honestly, tae, why am i here??”

“because i’m not emotionally stable enough to spend valentine’s day alone yet and i need to surround myself with as many people as possible otherwise i’m going to be alone with my thoughts and i’m going to spiral!” taehyung’s voice cracks as he snaps at you and you immediately press your lips together and avert your gaze, trying to ignore the weird glances the two of you are getting from the strangers around you

…

“okay, well-” you push yourself up off the bench before wobbling slightly and reaching over to grab onto taehyung’s arm for stability, “i don’t know about you, but i’m most certainly ready to tear up that rink!”

“perfect!” taehyung chirps, quickly reverting back to his ‘everything is fine and i’m definitely not dying on the inside’ state, “and don’t worry. rollerskating is much easier than ice-skating, so there’s less of a chance of you potentially embarrassing yourself here-” taehyung gives your hand a pat as the two of you shuffle your way towards the entrance gate, “trust me, you’ll get the hang of it as soon as you start!”

“you saw me on ice…” you snort, your knees already wobbling as you take your first step into the rink, “i really don’t think i’m going to be any better on wood-”

“well, lucky for you…” taehyung lets go of you and you immediately cling to the railing in panic, “i went ahead i hired an instructor for you!”

you frown as you pull one hand away and rub your fingers together 

god, why are the railings so sticky-

“you- woah, hold on a second-” you look up and over at taehyung with wide eyes when you finally catch on to what he just said, “i’m sorry, you did what?”

“what? i can’t stay by your side and watch you all night.” he shrugs, placing his hands on his hips as he stands in front of you, “we were moving so slowly on the ice that i was sure it was starting to melt underneath our skates-”

“you just told me you don’t want to be alone and now you’re handing me off to someone else instead of spending time with me??” you frown, manoeuvring your stance so that both your hands are gripping onto the railing behind your bum, “why force me to skate if you’re not doing it with me?”

“i mean, i obviously want to spend time with you, but i also don’t want to be skating, like, one mile an hour-” taehyung snorts, “i’m forcing you to skate so that one day, we can skate together without me having to worry about you slipping and sliding all over the place like a baby giraffe!”

“well, why can’t you teach me instead of paying for someone else to do it?”

a brief moment of silence passes as taehyung rolls over to get you to release your iron grip from the bars

“…because teaching you how to skate instead of actually spending time skating sounded really boring-” he mutters quickly, your eyes widening as you turn to look at him

“wha-”

“also-” he cuts you off, placing his hands on your hips from behind as he starts to roll you forwards slowly (though, you haven’t noticed this yet because you’re still focused on the fact that he didn’t want to teach you - you’re a great student!!), “there was a girl who kept smiling at me when i was strapping you up in all your gear, and i need to find out if i still have game or not-”

“this sounds more like you’re trying to fill the empty void inside of you with meaningless sex, which, by the way, isn’t a very healthy coping mechanism-” 

“i will fill this empty void inside of me in whichever way i want, thank you very much-” taehyung snorts, shaking his head, “plus, it’s too late to back out because the policy states that they don’t take refunds and he’s already here-”

“wait, what??” you immediately look back to the front, the fact that you are being rolled towards someone now sinking into your brain, “who- oh my god, stop rolling me-!”

taehyung’s fingers dig into your hips as he comes to a sudden halt, “what??”

“spin me around.” 

taehyung blinks before slowly turning you around so that you’re facing him and you pray to god that you don’t look like some kind of rotating rotisserie chicken right now  

you open your mouth to speak when you finally see taehyung’s face again but he continues to spin you slowly so that you end up in the same position you were in a second ago

...

“for god’s sake, taehyung- spin me around so i’m looking at you, you moron-”

“ohh, okay, i thought you just wanted to spin you around for fun-”

“why would i want you to spin me around for f- okay, that’s not important right now-” you shake your head, “i just want to say that the only reason why i’m doing this is because you kind of sprung this on me last minute and i don’t want to inconvenience anyone, but just know that you now owe me big time- now, spin me back around and wheel me to whoever i’m going to be stuck with for the next couple of hours.”

“noted!” taehyung chirps as he rolls you back so you’re facing the front, “he’s right over there by the other entrance- the guy in the yellow-” your eyes flit around until they land on the guy in the yellow and you immediately feel your heart starting to beat a little harder in your chest at the sight of the guy in the yellow, “his name’s jungkook, he has a shining five-star rating, he’s a wonderful teacher according to all the parents whose kids he’s taught- i’m pretty sure you’re his oldest student so don’t embarrass yourself-”

you feel your mouth go dry when jungkook reaches down to adjust the bottom of his tied button-up shirt before opening the sides of it a little more to show off his chest

he reaches up to twirl a loose tendril of hair around his finger before gently pushing it back and running his hand through his hair, poking his tongue against the inside of his cheek briefly 

oh no

oh, no

he’s attractive

he’s very, very attractive

“tae.” you keep a polite smile on your face as you slink your right arm behind you to attempt to blindly punch him in the gut, “why didn’t you tell me that the instructor was cute?”

“oh, i’m sorry.” taehyung responds sarcastically, “i didn’t think attractiveness was an important factor when considering an instructor.”

“well, it is when the instructor looks like that-” you feel your cheeks warm when jungkook smiles brightly at the two of you before waving enthusiastically, “rollerskating is already hard enough as it is, and now i have to do it in front of him?!”

“i don’t know what there is to freak out about. the guy’s handsome- so what?” taehyung waves back at jungkook before giving your hips a playful squeeze, “if anything, you should see this as a bonus - you get some eye-candy while you learn!”

“okay, well, don’t make me sound pervy-”

“not to mention, he’s your age! so it’ll be like you’re just hanging out with a friend-”

“a friend?! taehyung, i’m wearing overalls, my hair is in pigtails, and all this protective gear that you shoved me in makes me look like an eight year old-!” you gasp when you feel yourself suddenly bump into something hard and taehyung quickly loops his arm around your waist to keep you from toppling over

it’s a second later that you realize the something hard that you bumped into was jungkook’s obviously broad chest, so obviously this rollerskating lesson is already off to a fantastic start 

“woah, you got it?” jungkook holds both his hands out in case you fall over and you let out a nervous chuckle before reaching up to push your helmet up slightly

“i’m fine!” your voice cracks and you clear your throat quickly, “…hello.”

“hi! it’s nice to meet you- y/n, right?” jungkook sticks his hand out for you to shake and you smile nervously before reaching out to take it, “my name’s jungkook! i’m super excited for today. we’re going to have a lot of fun together.”

you don’t know if it’s just because he’s clearly one of those fun and overly friendly! instructors or if he’s just naturally bubbly but he’s talking to you like you’re a child

(you probably could’ve ditched the pigtails today.) 

“okay, i’m going to go off now so let me just hand y/n over to you-” taehyung arm slips from your waist before he gently rolls you towards jungkook, “you two have fun!”

your hands immediately slap down on the railings right as you feel yourself about you slip and you let out a breath of relief

that was a close call

“we will!” jungkook smiles, waving at taehyung as he skates off, “you enjoy yourself out there!”

you watch helplessly as taehyung skates away, jungkook turning back to look at you with a (very handsome) smile

you feel your heart skip a beat once again and you immediately curse in your head 

…you’re screwed.

                                    »»————-　💫  ————-««

“because of the balance and control required, it’ll take a little bit of getting used to- but once you get the hang out it, rollerskating is super fun!” jungkook reaches out so you can take his hand, “do you wanna let go of the bar for me?”

there are a lot of things you’d like to do for jungkook but letting go of the railing and potentially falling in front of him is most definitely not one of them

“you know, i think i’m good!” you chuckle, your knuckles practically going white at how tightly you’re gripping onto the railing, “why don’t you just keep talking while i… you know, get used to the feeling of just standing while wearing skates?”

“okay, if that’s what you’re comfortable with, that’s what we can do. let’s see… ah!” jungkook perks up, clapping his hands together before gesturing down to his own feet, “so, you’re gonna wanna keep your feet shoulder-width apart. can you do that for me?”

you look down at your feet, not at all surprised to see that they’re practically glued to each other

okay

shoulder-width apart

you can do that, right?

you lift your right foot up slowly before quickly moving it farther away from your left foot, your skate skidding slightly against the floor as you stomp down

goD these skates are clunky

you’ll never understand how people find this activity genuinely enjoyable

“see? not so bad, right? now, i’m really going to need you to let go of the bar for me so that we can move onto the next step- i swear i won’t let you fall if you take my hand.”

your eyes flicker down to his outstretched hand and you twist your lips uncertainly, “you promise?”

jungkook places his hand over his heart, “i promise.”

you lift one hand off the rail and quickly take jungkook’s hand, pausing for a second to make sure that everything feels okay before quickly lifting the other hand off the rail

you practically slap your hand down on jungkook’s other palm and let out a breath of relief as soon as he grips it tightly, and you look back in concern when jungkook starts to pull you away from the railing

“there you go! see?” jungkook smiles brightly, giving your hands a squeeze to get you to focus on him instead of the bars, “not so bad, right?” 

“yeah, i guess so…” you puff out, feeling your heart starting to pound harder not onLY because the safety of the railings have been taken away from you but also because jungkook’s hands are… very soft.,,. and very warm,.,. and very pretty.,., and all-in-all very nice

“okay, step two. so, this next part is going to make you feel a little silly, but we have to walk like ducks because it just makes the process of walking easier. you kind of have to point your toes outwards- yeah, just like that! and don’t forget to squat a little-” jungkook hums, leaning over a little so he can look to see if your stance is okay, “perfect! we’re just going to keep practicing until you get used to walking...”  

“you know, taehyung actually took me ice-skating over the holidays and i fell, like… ten times.” you snort, keeping your eyes on your skates as you take one small step after another, “i thought rollerskating would be easier but i feel like there are more rules to worry about…”

“oh my god, don’t even worry about it-“ jungkook snorts, shaking his head, “i’m an awful ice-skater. you’d think it’d come naturally to me because i can rollerskate- plus, i don’t see the fun in ice-skating! i know it’d never happen but i’m always paranoid that the skates are going to slice-”

“-the ice open and you’re going to fall through and plunge into the icy water?”

“exactly! see, you get it.” jungkook grins, leaning down a little to check your posture again, “you know, you’re a complete natural. i don’t know why you were so nervous to begin with!”

you snort in response and resist the urge to tell him that his face was one of the major things that contributed to your nerves 

“ooh, and you know what else i hate about ice-skating?” jungkook gasps, “that if i fall and get my hands on the ground, someone’s going to skate over them and amputate all of my fingers.”

you immediately burst into giggles and he gawks playfully

“are you laughing at a genuine fear of mine, y/n?? i didn’t take you to be someone who could be so cruel…”

“no, i’m not laughing at you!” you smile softly and you can’t help but note how warm and comforting his presence is, “i’m just- i said that exact same thing to taehyung when we were ice-skating and he said i was being ridiculous, so it’s nice to know that someone shares the same opinions on ice-skating as i do.” you instinctively squeeze jungkook’s hands when you feel the wheels roll out from underneath you a little and you end up jerking forward a little 

“woah-! you’re okay- i’ve got you…” jungkook rubs his thumbs over your knuckles reassuringly as he waits for you to regain your balance and start walking again, “i told you i wouldn’t let you fall, remember?”

“yeah…” you smile shyly, feeling your cheeks heat up a little

you don’t feel as nervous anymore

no wonder jungkook has a five-star rating as an instructor

he’s great!

“also, you do realise we’ve walked, like, an entire round around the rink, right?”

“what? we have?” you pause, looking up from your skates for the first time in ten minutes 

you’re almost at the spot you were at right when you first started

woah

wow!!

you didn’t even realize!!

that’s so cool!!

you walked an entire round without falling (a lot of almost-falling, but you’ll take it)!!!

“i mean, i don’t know about you, but i feel like we can move on to gliding now…” jungkook whistles lowly, “you’re a very fast learner so i’m not worried.”

“gliding is…” you lean over a little when you notice taehyung having a blast at the other side of the rink with his new companion, the two of them skating side by side

she laughs at something he says before playfully swatting at his arm

it’s just good to see him smiling and not crying for once 

one of the things that you love most about taehying is that he’s so in tune with his emotions, but when his ex (he forbade you from saying her name) broke up with him, he cried so much that you were pretty sure he had completely dehydrated himself 

so it’s nice that he seems to be enjoying himself! 

“so, gliding is-” jungkook steps over to get right into your line of vision and you quickly look back at him with an attentive smile, “basically turning your steps into smoooooth strokes. instead of dropping your foot straight down, you’re going to be pushing it forward and out. it’s kind of hard to explain gliding… you kinda just have to let momentum carry you forward and do its thing, you know? it’s literally just a one foot after the other situation.”

“well, if you can glide backwards, i’m sure i can figure out how to do it normally.” you point out, jungkook snorting in response

“trust me, you’ll be able to pick it up quickly. remember that when you’re gliding on one foot to keep your other slightly hovering above ground so it doesn’t interfere-” jungkook stops himself when he notices your brows knitting together (you seem to do this a lot when you’re focusing too hard on something), “ah, you know- i find that it’s easier to glide when you’re not actually focused on the gliding!” he chirps, giving your hands a reassuring squeeze, “if it helps, you can keep your eyes on me instead of staring down at your skates.”

hAh

if anything, staring directly at jungkook is going to throw you off your game compared to keeping your eyes glued on the ground

“okay, i will... try not to focus on the gliding while simultaneously focus on the gliding.” your tongue instinctively pokes out slightly in concentration as you push forward with one foot, being sure to keep your other a little above ground just like jungkook said 

you quickly switch to the other foot when you feel your right foot slowly starting to lose momentum, pushing off with your left instead and lengthening your stride so you can skate a little further 

hey

look at that! 

not bad!! 

“look at you go, superstar!” jungkook cheers encouragingly, grinning from ear to ear as he watches you gliding flawlessly, “you were born for this!” 

“you know, you may have a point- woAh-” your skates roll out a little from under you and you lurch forward, jungkook quickly sliding his grip from your hands to underneath your elbows to keep you from falling, “...yeah, so i spoke too soon.” you huff, blowing a strand of hair away from your face as you glance up at jungkook, still bent over at a ninety degree angle

“it’s my bad, i think i may have blown up your ego with all my compliments-” the sides of his eyes crinkle as he laughs, “all good?” 

you catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror and feel a piece of your soul float out from your body when you realise you basically look like a little old woman clutching onto one of those rolling walkers

wow

the possibility of jungkook being interested in you was low to begin with, but now it’s probably been squashed entirely

“uh, yes!” you clear your throat as you force yourself to stand up stick-straight, your knees clacking together for a second before you get back into position, “all good! i’m all good. we’re good.” 

oh boy 

if it makes you feel any better… it can’t get any worse than this, right?

“i-” you jolt when the music suddenly clicks off and is replaced by the shrill ringing of microphone feedback

“youch.” jungkook winces, raising his shoulder slightly and tilting his head down towards it so he can try to cover up one of his ears 

your brows furrow in confusion as you look up towards the speakers, unsure of if there’s just a technical difficulty or if something important is happening, “what’s going o-”

“sorry for the interruption, skaters! we just wanted to cut in and wish every single one of you a happy valentine’s day...” 

a large disco ball lowers from the ceiling as the lights begin to dim, the room suddenly engulfed in a warm pink glow as visions of glinting sparkles and hearts reflect from the disco ball onto the wooden floors along with the velvety walls

oh, god

seriously?!

you look up towards the speakers and resist the urge to curse and shake your fist at them like an angry old man

haven’t the people here considered that there might be single people in the rink?! 

…on valentine’s day…??

yeah that doesn’t make much sense

“grab your lover and glide along the floor as we play you some romantic tunes on this romantic evening… also, to the owner of a baby blue mercedes-benz convertible- i repeat, a baby blue mercedez-benz convertible... your car is parked in a tow-away zone. that’s all!”

the bee gees’ how deep is your love starts to play and you quickly pull your hands away from jungkook’s, your face flushing in embarrassment at the sudden change in atmosphere

you wobble slightly as soon as you pull away and immediately stick both your arms out in a poor attempt to keep balanced

okay

all you have to do is glide your way towards the exit so that you’re not just awkwardly standing in the middle of the ring while lovey-dovey couples skate around you

it’s only then that you realise that jungkook is facing away from you and seemingly looking for someone

you tap him on the shoulder and he turns to glance at you, “yes?”

“who... who are you looking for?” you frown, leaning over to peer over him so you can see what he’s seeing

“hm? oh, i was just looking for your boyfriend…” he trails off, continuing to look around the rink, “the two of you probably want to skate together right now and you’ll get to show off your brand new gliding skills, which is exciting-”

“boyfri- are you talking about taehyung?” you snort, quirking a brow in amusement, “he’s… oh my god, he’s definitely not my boyfriend. i’m only here for emotional support because he just got out of a relationship- we don’t have to get into it- the point is, he’s not my boyfriend. i don’t, uh, i’m not in a relationship at the moment. i’m… very single.”

why are you still talking?!

you clear your throat as you look for the nearest exit gate

“oh!” jungkook blinks before turning back around to face you, “in that case-“ your eyes widen in surprise when he sticks his hand out for you to take, “shall we?”

you blink down at his outstretched hand cluelessly before suddenly realizing what it is he’s asking

“oh, i-” you snort, immediately shaking your head, “no, you don’t have to do that…”

“what do you mean?” jungkook frowns, tilting his head curiously, “you don’t want to skate with me? after all we’ve been through?? y/n, you’re breaking my heart here!” he jokes, clutching at his chest before pouting (quite cutely) at you 

“n-no!” you laugh lightly, shaking your head, “i mean, of course i’d love to skate with- i-it’s very nice of you to offer, and i know you’re obviously being paid and stuff but you don’t… ah, you don’t have to force yourself to skate with me if you don’t want to...” you mutter, reaching up to scratch the back of your neck, “like, i’m sure taehyung’s already planning to give you an extra big tip for basically babysitting me all night so you don’t have to force yourself to do anything extra-”

“no, i wanna skate with you!” jungkook interrupts, skating over so that he’s standing next to you instead, “plus, it’ll be good practice, right?”

“well, i-” you don’t get a chance to respond before jungkook’s suddenly slipping an arm around your waist and holding onto one of your hands for extra support, “i don’t know, i suppose i’m just not used to gliding without holding both of your hands so i’m just worried i’m going to make both of us fall somehow which would be mortifying-”

“that’s alright, i can hold both your hands if you feel safer that way,” jungkook chuckles, his arm sliding away from your waist so he can swivel around and stand in front of you again, “after all, it’s better to be safe than to be sorry!” he takes your hands gently as he starts to skate backwards, his thumbs rubbing the tops of your knuckles comfortingly

-‘cause we’re living in a world of fools... breaking us down... when they all should let us be... we belong to you and me...

how deep is your love continues to echo all around you and even though you feel a little awkward skating around with your instructor to a very romantic song, you have to admit that this was a great choice of song for valentine’s day 

it’s a timeless classic! 

“so, you, um…” jungkook clears his throat after a minute or two of comfortable silence, turning back for a second to glance over his shoulder and make sure he’s not about to crash into anyone, “what kind of things do you like doing?”

and it’s me you need to show... how deep is your love?

“rollerskating. is it not obvious?” you joke, looking up at him and reminding yourself that you should make more of an effort to look at him and noT constantly at the ground, “um, i don’t know! that’s kind of a broad question, i guess. i like... i like... i like painting-! i mean, i’m not good at it, but it’s a pretty relaxing hobby...” 

“painting is nice!” jungkook nods slowly in agreement before perking up slightly, “say, have you ever been to a pottery studio?” 

“you know, i actually haven’t!” you shake your head before staring past jungkook’s shoulder in thought, “i should go to one... it sounds like a lot of fun! do you...” you cough quietly and avert your gaze slightly, “do you go there often with your... uh, significant other?” 

“me? oh, i’m not in a relationship.” jungkook chuckles before giving you a shrug, “none of my co-workers wanted to take the valentine’s day shift because they actually have someone to spend valentine’s day with, so... that’s why i’m here!”

“oh! so, you’re…” you trail off before pressing your lips together and giving him a firm nod, “i see.”

so you’re both single?

interesting

very interesting 

you can’t help but wonder if he’s looking to change that  

“i-”

“incoming!”

you don’t even get a chance to turn around to see what’s going on when suddenly someone’s basHING into you from behind and making you lose your balance

and the next thing you know you’re stumbling forwards and poor jungkook’s reflexes aren’t fast enough because-

“oh-!” you land on top of jungkook with your legs on either side of him, your knee pads clacking loudly against the ground, “oh, shit-” 

“sorry! my bad!” taehyung glides past you with a sheepish smile before not-so-subtly gesturing to the girl he’s got on his arm and giving you an obnoxious wink and a thumbs up as a way to let you know he’s definitely getting boned tonight

you want nothing more than to rip your skates off right now so you can chase after him and bash his head in 

you turn to look down at jungkook, immediately raising your hands up off his (broad, broad) chest as your entire face flushes bright red, “i am- i am so sorry- are you okay?? is your head okay?? i can- i can give you my helmet!” you wince, reaching up to unbuckle your helmet before hastily taking it off and tossing it aside

“don’t sweat it, i’m completely fine-” jungkook laughs lightly before shaking his head, propping himself up onto his elbows and blowing a curled strand of hair away from his eyes with a puff, “my head’s fine! luckily i didn’t hit it on the ground or anything like that, but my ass-”

“oh, god. i’m so sorry- here, i’ll-” you attempt to get up off the ground only for the wheels on your skates to roll out from under you and for your knee to smack against the ground again, jungkook grunting as you bounce on him a little harder than intended, “oh, jesus christ-”

great

there’s no way you’re going to be able to get up because of these stupid skates and now your very cute instructor is a hostage in between your thighs!

“this is so humiliating, i am... so, so sorry- i’m definitely forcing taehyung to give you a generous tip after all of this is over-” you laugh uncomfortably, your hands about to place themselves on jungkook’s chest again before you quickly move them so that they’re on either side of his head instead

of course, this position isn’t any better because now you’re just staring down at his face directly 

little white hearts from the disco ball float over his face and though you know this is hardly the right time, your heart can’t help but go badumpbadump at the reminder of how pretty jungkook is 

“okay, wait, what if i-” he suddenly sits straight up and your eyes immediately cross at the close proximity of your faces, “hi.”

you don’t know if it’s even possible but you feel your face get even redder and you find that you’re unable to look away from jungkook 

he has very sweet-looking eyes 

they’re a very nice shade of brown 

“i- uh, hello.” you clear your throat quietly, pressing your hands as close to your own chest as possible so that you’re not touching jungkook, “hi.” 

the last thing you want is for him to accuse you of groping him

but maybe it’d be a good thing to get a lifetime ban from the rollerskating rink

then taehyung will never be able to force you to skate again!

“we should take your skates off so that we’re not stuck like this all night.” you twitch when you feel jungkook’s hand slide down the side of your calf before reaching the top of your skates, “do you think you can undo your other one for me?”

“ah- yes. yes, i can do that.” you turn away so you can look back at your skate, reaching down and ripping the velcro strap before hurrying to undo the laces

you feel jungkook fumble at your skate, yanking the tie loose before trying to help you wiggle your foot out of it, “okay, just pull your foot out-”

“yeah, lemme just-” you have to shuffle forwards in order for jungkook to pull the skate off of you and your nose crinkles when you realize you’ve just gone ahead and fully pressed your chest to jungkook’s 

wonderful

just wonderful 

(for the record, he smells really good... but you’re pretty sure you sound like a creep right now, so maybe you should go ahead and scrap that thought.) 

“what happened to not letting me fall?” you joke lightly as you get up off the ground, hoping to ease the tension a little from whatever all of that was, “are you sure you’re okay? i didn’t break anything?” 

“i promise you i’m totally fine-” jungkook gets back up onto his feet and bends down to pick up your skates before popping up to look at you with a grin, “and it only happened because i was distracted!” he pauses for a brief moment before tilting his head, his smile softening, “can you blame me? you’re very pretty.”

oh

you weren’t expecting him to say that

“oh, that’s- ha… that’s very nice of you.” you reach up to scratch the back of your neck before letting out a nervous chuckle, “you are… also… quite… visually appealing.”

quite visually appealing  

why are you speaking like an alien trying to convince everyone that they aren’t an alien?!

“so, there’s still about half an hour left of your lesson left, but i feel like you’ve had enough of skating for now.” jungkook changes the subject quickly and you can’t help but notice that his ears are starting to get red, “we can just sit on the bench and rest... or do you... uh, do you maybe want to share a chilli dog with me?” he asks quietly, and for the first time since meeting him he’s the one who looks away from you first 

“...you know, i think that might be the most romantic thing anyone’s ever said to me.” you giggle, reaching over to loop your arm through his when he sticks it out for you, “i would love to share a chilli dog with you.” 

“not to flex or anything, but i do get the employee discount…” jungkook clicks his tongue, reaching up to pop open his collar obnoxiously before turning to give you a wide grin, “and if that doesn’t impress you, i don’t know what will.”

🎙️help me help you make your wishes come true (send me a request!)

✨why don’t you explore the rest of the library while you’re here?

💫or perhaps you want something shorter to read?

🌟or something even shorter?

[blueroseblaze]

Please Don’t Take Her (Part 2)

Word Count: 1648

WARNING: angst, sadness, torturing Nero mentally and emotionally, hospital setting, pregnancy complications

Tags:@dylan-o-yumm, @ceruleanworld, @shadowrosess

Nero thrashed against the nurses and doctors as his beloved wife was wheeled away on the stretcher. As she disappeared through the doors he collapsed to his knees, still writhing against the people holding him back. He didn’t listen to their pleas for him to hold still, and he was close to hurting somebody. But even in his panicked and feared state, all he could do was to continue to struggle against the arms around him. He could use his demon strength he could devil trigger right now. But what good would it do? He reached out towards the still swinging doors, desperate to escape the holds of the hospital staff and be with his love.

His love. His wife. His babies. Gone from his grasp, and he watched them get taken away. His eye’s burned with tears and his throat grew more and sorer as he yelled and berated the staff. But he didn’t care.

“I have to go with her!” he cried, “That’s my wife!”

“Sir please calm down,” one nurse said, though it fell on deaf ears.

“Please! Please let me go!” he kept yelling, “I’m the father! I’m the father!”

“Sir! You must calm down!”

He grew more and more unruly; the demands of the nurses and doctors slowly turned his fear into a rage as they continued to hold him down. He tried to keep control of himself, but he could feel his demonic blood boil as he began to shake. He didn’t want to hurt anyone, even accidentally, but each voice clouding his head only served to feed the beast within him.

“NERO!”

A familiar voice broke through the commotion, and Nero froze. The whole room went quiet and Nero turned towards the voice. The long red coat stood out against the white sterile waiting room, like a beacon of hope in this despair. Nero relaxed and the arms around him fell away. He panted and, in the stillness, he finally was able to let himself go. He felt his damn crumble away as he let himself cry fully. He stumbled away from the hospital staff that held him and into the arms of his uncle where he sobbed uncontrollably.

Dante’s arms encased his nephew, keeping him upright and allowing him to cry his heart out. All the fear and worry coming from his nephew he absorbed. His hand went to Nero’s head, rubbing his hair comfortingly as he hushed the crying young man. Nero mumbled something though Dante couldn’t hear it through his sobs. Dante hushed him softly, letting him know he could let it all out with no shame.

He led Nero to a row of waiting room chairs, urging him to sit down before he passed out. Nero kept his head on this uncle's shoulder, refusing to let go of him. Like a child that had finally found their lost parent in a crowded space. He sniffled and hiccupped into the aged red leather. Through his runny nose, he could smell the worn material and it provided some semblance of comfort and familiarity. Dante’s arm never left Nero’s back as he rubbed his hand up and down. He even gave a few pats then and there.

“I know, kid. I’m right here,” the old hunter said softly, “It’ll be okay.”

It had been some time since they had arrived at the hospital. Nero sat anxiously in the waiting room chairs. No part of him could hold still. Whether it be his leg bouncing or his fingers drumming on the armrest, or even his whole body subtly vibrating. He had stopped crying about an hour ago, but his eyes still burned, and his nose and forehead throbbed with congestion. Dante had offered him a coffee, but he starkly refused, worried that anything in his stomach would end up on the floor.

He tried occupying himself, he really did. Each magazine article he read just turned into alphabet soup on the page. Each news story on the wall-mounted tv went in one ear and out the other. Nothing could quench his utter fear at what was happening to his wife and twins. Merely thinking about it was enough to have his eyes burning with tears again.

If Nero ever prayed in his life. It would be now. Not during the boring sermons in church back on Fortuna, not before bed when he lived in the barracks while training to be a holy knight, but here and now, staring into a bright fluorescent light overhead, bearing his soul to whatever god or demon that be. He didn’t even know what for. He didn’t want to give even a modicum of thought to the idea that she or the twins wouldn’t pull through. They had to be alright… they had to be.

“Please don’t take her,” he whispered.

“Nero?” a voice broke him out of his stupor.

“Yes?” he said, voice shaky and uncertain. He stood quickly, paying no mind to the head rush it gave him.

“Are they okay?” he asked.

The nurse swallowed before speaking, “We had to perform an emergency C-section. Both twins were sent to the NICU, but they are both stable and healthy.”

“What about Y/N?” he asked, growing more worried.

“She is also stable. But she lost a lot of blood, and she is in a coma.”

Nero felt cold. He froze. All the color drains from his face and his stomach dropped to the floor. He felt dead on his feet as his eyes drifted to the floor. The nurse was quick to try and reassure him.

“Comas are a bit unpredictable; they can last anywhere from a few days to a few weeks. But since we were able to stabilize her, we believe she will recover in time.”

Her words did little to bring Nero out of his shocked and hopeless state. Everything before and after the words “she is in a coma,” vanished in thin air. He didn’t even react when Dante came up behind him and guided him down to his chair again before he could collapse. He sat there, holding his head in his hands, staring wide-eyed at the floor. The poor nurse still stood before the two devil hunters, trying to reassure them to little avail.

Finally, after a short near panic attack, Nero raised his head, not hiding his redden and sore eyes.

“Can I see her?” he asked.

“Yes of course,” the nurse replied, “Please, follow me.”

Dante lingered behind in the waiting room while Nero followed the nurse through the doors. The walk through the dull bright hallways lasted for an eternity. The mix of exhaustion and the rush of emotions distorted Nero’s vision. The only clear thing in his sight was the back of the nurse’s head as he lagged behind her. His body felt heavy, his brain felt heavy in his skull as he stumbled through the halls. The corridor stretched impossibly far beyond him, stretching into white oblivion. Where was he even going? When did they last turn? Where was Y/N? Where are his babies?

He heard what he assumed was the nurse’s voice, but he couldn’t make out a single word. It was lost in the sea of his own thoughts and emotions as his mind ran through every scenario, every outcome, every sequential moment leading to where he stood now. Everything he could have done differently to avoid this, everything that he did wrong.

How desperately he wanted this to be a dream, to wake up any moment in bed, with his wife, his hand on her belly feeling their twins kick at his touch. Or better yet, to wake up to the sound of his babies crying from across the room in their crib, desperate for their parent’s attention, and all of this was nothing but a what-if nightmare.

Suddenly the nurse’s voice broke through Nero’s clouded mind as she stopped in front of a door. He nearly ran into her when she stopped, and probably would have just kept walking straight on his own if she had turned.

The nurse gingerly pushed the door open and stepped aside for him to enter. She didn’t enter with him, only shutting the door as quietly as she could behind her. Nero swallowed heavily as he walked over to the bed. His breath felt thick in his lungs when he laid eyes on his wife. His Y/N. The soft light over her bed, illuminating her hair like a halo. Her face was eerily relaxed, and Nero’s stomach churned at the sight. He wanted her to no longer be in pain, to watch her sleep with no discomfort. But not like this, never like this.

His eyes drifted to the IV in her arm, as it draped over her upsettingly flat stomach. Her breaths were slow, deep, and even. And he thanked the universe that she wasn’t hooked up to any breathing tubes. She looked like she finally was comfortable, like how she used to sleep.

He moved towards her bed and lowered himself to his knees. Arms folded, he rested his tired head against them and just stared at her. She looked so peaceful. To just curl up with her, arms tightly woven around her body like ivy, and both of them drifting off to the beat of their hearts, Nero would gladly give his right arm again, and the rest of his body.

His eyes moved to her hand, resting palm up next to her on the sheets, her ring gleaming in the light overhead. His hand found hers and gripped her fingers gently yet firmly. Her hands were warm and for a moment, he was back home, in bed with her, relishing in her warmth as it cradled him beneath the sheets, guiding him over the edge of sleep into unconsciousness.

“Please…” he whispered, “Don’t leave me.”

to be continued...

A/N: YAY! Dante’s here to make things better... right? So I was in a kinda angsty state and this is what came of it. Obviously, it’s from Nero’s POV and what he’s going through, so it’s really wordy with not as much dialogue. I hope I haven’t bored any of you. The next part is going to still be angsty but things will start looking up I promise. Feedback is always appreciated and let me know if you want to be tagged. Thank you so much for reading, and have Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!! :)

[purplecloudsinmycoffee]

It’s  been a while. I’ve been extremely busy that I didn’t really have the time to go here and muse or rant. Weekends I generally use to recharge and treat myself well because I get really tired during the weekdays. 

I’ve been in this govt workplace for about more than 4 months now and...it’s a den of snakes haha. I think it’s really more emotionally tiring dealing with the entitled people than the clinical/administrative aspect of the job. Like, I still get surprised when people act in a blatantly disrespectful and entitled way. The department heads all think they're the shit and they’re all ridiculously demanding. I also think that people in this country really just get their jobs and positions through connections than merit which is another disappointing observation. I’ve been desperately trying to hold on to my own work ethic and values. To just be steadfast through all the BS. 

On Tuesday, there’s this meeting I’m dreading because of a difficult staff member who has been acting unprofessionally and I’ve been so stressed out on how to properly address this workplace issue. Personally, I think the whole situation is just ridiculous and regardless of her personal feelings towards her coworkers (they don’t like her cause she passes work to them and orders everyone around tbh -> she found out that they don’t like her and decided to be a child about it and is basically throwing a tantrum at work with another staff member who also has work issues. I mean, they had the audacity to leave all work-related viber groups), it doesn’t justify you acting like a child and showing shitty work behavior. It’s all just so stupid. They’ll probably hear from me a lot on Tuesday, cause I don’t really tolerate shit like this. I tend to be strict with myself regarding work ethic and I also hold other professionals to a certain standard. People management is a bitch. 

My contract ends on December and I’ve been thinking if I should renew or not. I’ve made really good friends within the team, but there are a lot of issues and factors to consider as well. It’d be nice to work somewhere far away too. 

I’ve also thought of just applying to residency when I saw the posts online. It’d be nice to just apply to a private tertiary hospital so I can learn in an ideal set-up, (especially for IM) but I know I’m not financially stable enough to do that at the moment . Since I’ve taken a bigger responsibility financially at home, applying for residency at a private hospital while paying for the monthly bills, saving for myself and providing for my basic needs while training is...impossible. I earn more now, but a lot of my monthly salary goes to responsibilities. One other option is to train in a government hospital but it’s still the pandemic and the patient load is still something to consider. I know I’ve been writing about being lost for about a year now and it seems like there isn’t really much improvement in that haha. 

Still kinda just in that limbo. Just floating everyday and seeing what happens. The pandemic hasn’t really helped me gain much clarity either. I try not to be too hard on myself tho. It’ll be fine. I’ll eventually figure it out.  

[gg-astrology]

so i dont know if you’re still doing detailed astrology analysis on kpop stars but i’ve started to develop the biggest crush on christian yu so i would like to know your thoughts on his chart because you’re the only astrology account i trust on this app. love u :)

Hey there!! 💓💗💞 I haven’t been doing it in a while huh but I just searched him up and he seems v interesting!! ;; 💓💗💞💓💗💞 Am sorry I literally know nothing about him BUT I just searched him up and he seems to be v popular on ig??? and he used to be in c-clown but that’s literally it?? so i’m coming in blind ;; 💓💗💞💓💗💞I’ll do my best!! 💓💗💞💓💗💞 Ps. I’m glad you!! like the account um!!! ;; 💓💗💞💓💗💞 I don’t go out on the tags so I have no idea what’s going on in the? astro social world on tumblr anymore but i’m sure they may be? great astro acc out there!! but thank u!! 💓💗💞💓💗💞

Christian Yu - Brief Look ⬇️

Sun/Moon opposition with Virgo/Pisces, talent triangles between his Scorpio Pluto/Capricorn Saturn (and outer planets)/Virgo Sun/Mercury - Gemini Mars AND Leo Venus that’s inconjunct to his Pisces Moon wow!! 💓💗💞💓💗💞

So I’ll walk you through, notice his Virgo Sun/Mercury and Gemini Mars? They’re squares but that also means he’s amazing at relaying his thoughts/personal opinions (esp. with combust mercury) even though it frustrates him sometimes. He probably does his best, or constantly try to strive for his best at self-expression even though it frustrates him to come back and think about it. At certain times, because it’s in opposition to his Pisces Moon (that seems to be a bucket handle/singleton) he may often process this emotionally. Virgo/Pisces can be quite hard on themselves, but with time (i’m sure he’s learnt) that self-management helps him work through his mental state better. More so than that, the re-occuring theme Virgo/Pisces (anyone else with this) has to look out for is the sudden anxiety of coming back online or feeling the need/obligation to do so for others. Dependability even when - like, when they were doing it, they think ‘hey this is nothing like what i was worried about lol it’s actually v relaxing/fun to do!’ - or just, y know meeting someone for the first time in a while can make them anxious because there’s expectations they set on themselves to do well. However, he DOES have a Leo Venus/Gemini Mars and Capricorn Saturn - so what this does is quell some of the anxiety a bit- like ‘ah fuck it! let’s just do it!’ tends to help a lot with cardinally getting shit done. I mentioned Leo Venus/Gemini Mars bc they’re squared- talking about action, the idea of just doing something and getting it done provided also by Capricorn Saturn - trusting in the security/stability of what was already established- tends to help with that mutable energy/anxiety once you’ve tuned in on how to use it! 💓💗💞

For those who may - also- suffer from mutable anxiety- literally just do something and keep an open-mind. Things will turn out for the better, tune into that flippable energy that allows you to be on your toes and handle a situation as it comes. There is less of a chance of a situation that you won’t know how to handle than there is one where you can work it out on the fly. AND it turning out better than over-thinking it! If you suffer from your mouth being loose and regretting it later - turn that emotional shame/embarrassment into a conscious goal - like a thought - ‘ok im NOT going to do that next time and be conscious of doing THIS instead, as it sets my foot on the right path and THEN i can run with it’ -- this can tend to help adopt a better habit/routine and ALSO make you utilize YOUR energy in an efficient way!! 

Ok so, back to him. Virgo/Pisces sun-moon. Let’s get it. I don’t think his Leo Venus would? allow him to think about these things consciously. Being true to himself is key (more about that later) but underlying everything/decisions -  there’s a core/stem of - Is he doing enough? Is it emotionally true? Is he being sincere/genuine or was it him striving for practicality/reality of the situation? Pisces Moon has a sensitive touch to self-expression, so these things ‘ringing true’ or somewhat ‘true’ gives him the emotional releases he needs. If it doesn’t - then occasionally it’ll drive the person up the wall with how ‘genuine’ (or calling themselves ‘disingenuous’) they’re being (or striving to be). They want to do their best, and with that Virgo in mind, he’s probably constantly trying to perform his best no matter if it’s in his daily life or something else.

Another cool thing to note is also Virgo/Leo in a person- they tend to be more ‘ah fuck it’ about certain things. A problem they can’t solve (on paper/text-book?) even with research? Take a break. It’ll come. There’s solutions to stuff, but with the practicality of Virgo and with the instinctive self-assessment of Leo - they can APPEAR to be something but is actually rather chill and laid-back about it. Certain things that people drive themselves up the wall over- they tend to learn life-lessons and in not over-stressing themselves, and trying to find the best/practical solution instead (think efficient not hard) - even if that Leo can be lazy but ALSO work hard when it FEELS like it wants to.  

That ties into Leo Venus now, with Leo Venus squaring Gemini Mars (even though it’s out of sign) - he may strive to be a person who walks the walk, not just talk the talk. This is more of a personal goal/attention in detail to keep in mind- from like, an internal point of view. This Leo Venus can talk about desire to be true to the self, and if it’s squaring Gemini Mars- sometimes it may feel like what he’s saying doesn’t completely align- unless he’s obstinate enough to think he believes in what he says and roll with the punch/oblivious to it anyways. And thus working on perfecting that, remedying or contributing to saying what it is he can back up is important. Not just this- but with Capricorn Saturn trine to his Sun/Mercury - he has his head set in building a sincere, concrete and reliable ‘realness’ in his personality and public respect. Self-expression IS key, especially with Leo/Pisces in his personal placement and luminary. Most likely, it’s about the intuition and does it ‘feel’ right part of himself that can drive him forward. As that Pisces is also his bucket handle, and thus everything he does - all of his placements, as assessed/have to pass through that Pisces Moon in order for it to express itself openly. 

Integrity is also a key thing for Leo Venus especially, considering Venus talks about relationships and other people. Seeing this in others is important, the idea of walking the walk and talking the talk. Certain people who only flaunts/talks about certain things, or are one-dimensional in their ideas/thinking can be frustrating to be around. Especially with someone who has Capricorn Saturn, Virgo Sun/Mercury, Scorpio Pluto aspected to those two and a Leo Venus. Show off your colors but care more about the things underneath, whats the idea underneath it and does it shine through in their self-expression? There’s genuinity that drives him forward, as well as intellectual property of something- it’s potential/what to do with it. These things are important, and it’s what ‘dazzles’ the Leo Venus to be attracted to these ideas/concept because it allows space for them to share these things with like-minded or people they can communicate with on a ‘real’ level. But these are - y know- people, so it’s hard to find and also very circumstantial!!! 

Anyways. More about him. Capricorn Saturn. Being treated and trusted as someone who is stable/credited as genuine or real to the best of his ability/what he perceive is lacking from others/the world is important. And often with Virgo Sun/Mercury - relaying it down into words/written can often help with that. It’s also a part of a talent triangle he has. It aspects his Capricorn Uranus/Neptune as well - but I’ll talk about Saturn since it’s? more of an impact/important. 

Capricorn Saturn/Virgo Sun-Mercury we talk about realness right? Reputable, doesn’t matter if it’s a slow start as long as it’s genuine and built by their own genuinity and sincerity. Scorpio Pluto adds to this with it’s sextile position to both of these placements - sometimes it’s about seeing/analyzing and observing what IS lacking from the ‘truth’ of the world and making sure the Capricorn/Virgo adds influence to that. The fire venus certainly adds to it’s flame- wanting to show it’s genuine desire to be ‘it self’ (and is itself, but more importantly to be accepted as itself) - whilst Gemini Mars is the outlet- keeps it on the toes, on his feet. Working on it. Say what’s need to be said, sometimes- unexpectedly or without realizing the consequences. BUT it’s sextile to Jupiter in Leo - thus, it probably often works out. When it’s said with the subtext of teaching someone how to be truer to themselves or self-expression. 

There’s a strive/desire to make changes happen coming from that talent triangle, Scorpio Pluto as the apex working with his Virgo Sun/Mercury’s natural talent and focus on those desires. If you can imagine- if Scorpio Pluto focuses and zooms into perspectives/pov at hand, analyzes and collects what needs to be done with it - then this sextile to the Virgo Sun/Mercury helps form a clearly analytically strong- and often opinionated/constructive thought/expression in order for it to be expressed out into the world. They’re often intelligent, but also tends to not - notice or realize this about themselves? Things closer to the Sun are often blinded by it’s light. The Ego can often make things personal without one realizing it’s tied to it. Changes happens, whether it’s in his expression or something else. Because it affects other people’s lives as well, perhaps those in need (Capricorn/Leo honestly) 

But.. yeah!  💓💗💞 That’s all I have for now.. here’s the chart I pulled up to use below, no birthtime ;; but yes! 💓💗💞 Sorry I don’t -- know him well so I can’t speak much specifically on what? he does or something. But I hope this is ok!! 💓💗💞 Thanks for asking! 💓💗💞

[give-seconds]

I Loved You

Key: Kuya is the Tagalog (what they speak in the Philippines) word for hyung, but instead of going after the name it goes before the name.

No warnings!

 ---Part II

When Jeno wakes up, you’re already gone. As he stares up at the ceiling, all of last nights emotions come back to him. Mostly just the guilt. He sighs and rubs his hands over his face, he misses waking up without the crushing weight. But he can’t tell you, because that means he really is gay. Because that means he’s different. Because that means you’ll leave him.

And then the urge to cry is back again, why can’t this all just stop?

“Jeno-yah?” 

 The voice takes a few seconds to register in Jeno’s mind before he sighs and sits up “You can come in Ten.” 

Ten cracks the door open and pokes his head in “There’s English pancakes in the microwave for us from y/n, they’re chocolate chip.” 

Jeno tilts his head “English pancakes?” 

Ten gasps and he pushes the door fully open “You’ve never had her pancakes? My dude you’re missing out, get up.” 

Jeno rolls his eyes and pushes off the blankets. He makes his way out of the room and as he passes Ten he smiles “You know for someone who has barely talked to me, you’re awfully pushy.”

Ten grins at him as they make their way to the kitchen “Must be my broken Korean.”

Jeno snorts and sits down at the table, tracking Ten as he starts the microwave “What broken Korean? You seem to understand me pretty well.”

Ten turns around and squints his eyes “Sorry, I don’t speak Korean well.”

“Jerk.”

Jeno watches Ten as he smirks and turns his attention back to the microwave. Ten had probably just woken up, much like Jeno himself, but he looked amazing. He had never actually gotten the chance to really look at Ten, everything had felt like too much every time they had had the chance to talk. But Ten was as beautiful as he was smart, and if Jeno has learned anything about Ten it is that the man is smart. 

And suddenly he feels his heart rate pick up and he averts his eyes to the table. What’s wrong with him? Here he is, an engaged man falling out of love and now he’s checking out your best friend? He feels sick.

“Lee Jeno are you ready to taste one of the best comfort foods around?” Ten says interrupting his thoughts as he slides a plate in front of him.

“As ready as I'll ever be,” Jeno whispers picking up his knife and fork and cuts a piece off. Ten watches him closely, waiting for the reaction he knows is coming.

“And how is it?” Ten asks after Jeno had successfully taken a bite.

“It’s good, but why call it comfort food?”

“Her mom used to make these for her when she was little, and she made it for me when I had my own little meltdown,” Ten explains cutting into his own pancake.

Jeno nods his head, eyes never leaving his plate “Thanks for the ice cream by the way, it was definitely nice to watch a movie and snack.”

Ten glances up at him “Are you okay? I mean I know I’m just a random guy sleeping in your home but sometimes it’s easier talking to someone you don’t know. And obviously I’m not gonna make you talk to me, but it’s always an option. I should probably stop talking now.” He mumbles and stuffs another piece of pancake into his mouth. 

Jeno smiles, finally looking up at Ten. Ten reminds him a lot of you “I’m just figuring some stuff out about myself, and last night was a bit much. Because I know what I have to do to feel better, but I don’t know if this kind of hurt is better than the hurt that will come as a result of me getting better. You know?”

“Is the hurt of getting better to you or someone else?”

“Both I guess, but more for the other person.”

Ten nods, brain working to offer some decent advice “I don’t know where my place is and when I’m overstepping, but if this thing is causing you so much distress you should try to fix it. Even if it causes hurt for someone else, at least you’re offering the truth. And from there, you can only move forward.”

“You’re right, I should do this. It’ll be better for everyone in the end.”

Jeno feels dead, he’s so emotionally drained that a part of him just wants to get this over with so he can feel better. He chuckles, you can always count on the human mind to be selfish huh.

Ten smiles “Then let today be a day of healing for Lee Jeno.” 

~~

You sigh as you sit down with Park Jisung, one of the kids you’re in charge of, at a cafe near his current home, “Jisung-ah what happened?”

“I can’t stay there y/n,” he mumbles looking down at his lap

“Did they hurt you? Answer honestly Jisung, I’m here to help”

He shakes his head, eyes flicking up to meet yours before dropping back to his lap “When you’re a foster kid for long enough you learn a few things, one of which is you learn pretty quickly how to tell when a family cares. They only took me in for the money y/n. And it makes you feel like an object when you live like that, it’s too much. I can’t go back, please y/n. I can’t go back to that feeling, it’s too much too-”        

Your heart breaks as you hear the 16 year old boy in front of you struggle to maintain his composure. Jisung was your first case and you have been there for him since you transferred him out of his first foster home last year, and with this being his 5th home you had gotten to know him quite well. “Jisung-ah look at me.”

He takes a deep breath as he mentally prepares himself to be told that you’re going to relocate him. No matter how many times he hears it, there’s always this sinking feeling as he’s reminded he doesn’t belong anywhere.

“I applied to be a foster parent 5 months ago, and it takes about 3 mounts to become legal. Now it might be a long shot, but what if I transfer your file over to Taeil? And then he can place you in my care if that’s something you’re willing to consider.”

His eyes widen at the possibility “Are you serious?”

You nod your head, “I have no idea how long this will take, but it should be okay. I mean I am a foster parent who is getting married and has a stable income. The transfer should only take a day and as you know placing you with the family doesn’t take long at all. So the longest I think it will take is a day.”

“Y/n if you can do this I will be the best kid, I promise to be respectful of you and your fiancé and the rules of the house. I will do whatever you need me to do and I’ll try not to complain-”

“Jisung” you interrupt laughing “I know you and I know you will be a joy to have around the house. I only ask that you go back to your old foster home for the time being until I am able to get the paperwork all done okay?”

He nods his head “I can do that, I can totally do that.”

You smile and dig around in your purse for your card “Here, go buy me a hot chocolate and buy yourself something.”

He accepts the card with a determined look and nods his head. You smile at him as he walks over to the counter, pulling at the sleeves of his sweater. If you’re being honest, this isn’t the first time you’ve considered fostering the kid. He was such a sweet kid when you met him, and despite the trauma of his past he has remained sweet. He looks at you smiling triumphantly after he succeeds in making the order, so you give him a thumbs up.

“Oh right” you mumble to yourself grabbing your phone and opening your contacts. You and Taeil aren’t very close outside of work, but at work it was you two ‘outsiders’ against all the native Seoul born works. Taeil is fully Korean yes, but his family had moved to the Philippines for his dad's work when he was young and he lived there until he came back to Korea for college. You press the call button and hold the phone up to your ear.

“Hello?”

“Kuya, I have a proposition for you.”

“Oh? I don’t know if I like that coming from you, but I’ll bite. What is it?” he asks, amusement lacing his voice.

“So I was wondering if you could take Jisung’s case from me-”

“Why? What happened? He hasn’t changed too much since the last time you saw him has he? If he’s a total jerk just say the word and I will personally come down there and-”

“I don’t even want to hear the end of that sentence” you say laughing “and no, he is not a jerk now. I was thinking I could become his foster parent, I mean that is if you take his case from me and decide Jeno and I are a fit home for him. But Kuya I have to do something to make sure this kid gets a good home, you should’ve heard him when he was telling me about his current home. He sounded so broken.”

“Y/n I know you, you would make a great mother. Especially to a kid like Jisung.”

You smile and look over to the kid in question who was grabbing the drinks. He even held a paper bag that probably held something sweet inside “Thank you Kuya, thank you so much.”

“I mean we are social workers to help kids right? Send me the flies and I’ll start on it right away, I think I can even get him to come home with you today if I work fast enough.”  

“Oh my god really?” You look up at Jisung with wide eyes and he mouths a ‘what’ at you as he settles back into his seat.

Taeil chuckles “Yeah, I’m willing to work while I eat and complete the process that is needed to transfer a case. And if you do the same we can finish this fast and get him home with you.”

“Kuya Taeil you are the absolute best, I cannot believe that you are willing to do this for me. I love you, you are the best co-worker a girl could ask for. Okay, I’ll go finish my half of the paperwork and send it your way.” Jisungs eyes widen as he finally realizes what you were talking about.

“I know, I’m the best no need to remind me. Text me when you’re done and I’ll get started.”

“Okay, I can do that. I owe you a thousand Oreos.”

“Damn right you do, okay I am leaving now. Goodbye.”

You laugh at his usual abrupt ending “Goodbye.”

“Was that Taeil-hyung? What did he want, did he say he’d take my case?”

“Yes he did Jisung, he even said that we might be able to get you to come home with me today! You could meet my best friend Ten, he’s an incredible dancer like you. He could teach you so so much!” you say bouncing slightly in your chair.

He grins “Thank you for even offering to take me in, you didn’t have to do that.”

You shrug “I come from an adoption family, my two brothers are adopted. And it’s a totally cliché thing to say but you remind me of my German brother. He’s such a sweet kid, but when we first got to know him he was really lonely? I don’t know if that’s the right word, but he just needed a family to love him. And I think you’ll fit in well with me and Jeno, you’re even old enough to be my brother. So if you stay with me for long enough you’ll be part of the l/n, Na, and Liu household.”

“That sounds like a mouth full. Now before we forget here is your hot chocolate, I bought us some cake to share,” he says as he passes you the drink “However, before I am going to give you any of this cake you need to finish that transfer paper work.”

You raise an eyebrow at him “You know what this is Park? This is blackmail. You and YangYang are going to get along so well if this is how you are.”

“The faster you get this done the faster we can find out,” he says as he dramatically sips at his hot chocolate.

“I paid for that cake” you grumble as you pull out your laptop.

“Can I use your phone for TV?”

“You do this every time Park, why can’t you read a book?” Your eyes grow wide as the realization sets in “Hey wait a minute, why aren’t you in school?”

He sheepishly smiles at you “Don’t worry about it, the school thinks I’m sick. Now, your phone?”

“As long as it isn’t my problem,” you say as you open your phone. You see a text from Jeno saying a ‘thank you’ and ‘I need to tell you something about last night.’  You send a text back telling him you might come home with a surprise before handing your phone over to Jisung.

~~

“I am going to scream if I have to stay here another minute,” Jisung complains from the chair in front of your desk.

“You’re fine you big baby, I even stopped by your school and got you your missed work.”

“And I finished that, why do you think I’m so bored?”

“You know maybe I should enforce the whole noona thing, maybe then you’ll treat me with respect you brat.”

“Whatever you say Noona.”

“It’s not too late to-”

“I pray for Jeno simply because he has to live with you y/n, ” Taeil says shaking his head as he comes into your office holding a file.

“I’m telling you, he’s like a mix of YangYang and Jaemin in the worst possible way. I get zero respect,” you whine leaning back into your chair, abandoning the documents in front of you.

“Didn’t you tell him he didn’t have to call you noona?” Taeil asks leaning against the wall.

You groan and throw your head over the back of your chair “You know what? Jisung for now and forever I am your noona, respect me.”

“Thanks but no thanks.”

“This is a conspiracy, Kuya help me.”

Taeil smiles and walks over to hand you the file “Sorry kid, no can do. But I can congratulate you on the new foster kid.”  

“Oh my god wait, really,” you exclaim standing up to flip through the papers, Jisung stands up so he can watch you closely.

Taeil turns to Jisung and slings his arm around the kid “Good luck, from the stories I’ve heard she and her family are quite the handful.”

“Kuya Taeil I didn’t think you’d actually get everything done today. I was just about to take him back, have you called the family?”

He nods his head and removes his arm from around Jisung to find a specific sheet “All that is left for you to sign this.”

You quickly grab a pen off your desk and sign it, eyes scanning over the document “Well Park, looks like you’re at my mercy now.”

“Seriously?” 

“Yep, I told the family that you would be by tomorrow to get your things. I’ll go with you as your new worker, so maybe I can pick you up after school?”

Jisung smiles, nodding his head intensely “Thank you so much Hyung, you don’t know how much this means to me. I feel like I can breathe again,” he bows to Taeil, who is beyond happy to see the teen smile. He might have only become his case worker today, but he had seen him from the times he came to see you. He would always notice the kid walking with his head down.

“Well it’s 5:50 and I think it is safe to say that y/n and I have worked enough for today. Y/n, I say you take your new foster kid home and introduce him to your fiancé. Goodnight my peeps.”

“Good night Hyung.”

“Good night Kuya.” you both say as you bow to the elder as as a last ‘thank you.’

There's a silence between you two once Taeil leaves as you both process the information.

“So” Jisung starts “Ready to go home Noona?”

“Yeah, totally! I’m excited to introduce you to Jeno and Ten.”

~~

“Je, Ten, we’re home!”

“We?” Jeno asks sticking his head out from the kitchen, and upon seeing another boy staring at him he moves to stand fully in the hallway.

As soon as Jeno meets Jisungs waiting eyes, Jisung hurriedly bows.

Jeno bows back, confused look adorning his face. You smile at how cute Jisung acts when he’s worried and walk down the hall towards the guest room, Jisung trailing behind you.

“I’ll introduce you two once Ten is here, that way I only have to do this once. I’m a little lazy like that.”

Once your party of people reach the room, you knock on the door “Ten get your lazy self out here and meet my kid.”

“What do you mean kid, you’re too cheap for that.”

You sigh and the other two look at you in confusion “I’m not cheap am I Jeno?”

“Yes, you very much are.” he replies. Jisung laughs and you glare at him.  

“Everyone is out to get me,” you mumble as you turn around to make your way to the living room once you hear Ten’s door open.

“Okay sit,” you demand as you pull Jisung onto the couch next to you.

“Sit where? You and your friend stole the seats.” Ten complains.

Jisung stands to offer his seat but you pull him back down “Are you trying to kick this poor 16 year old off of a couch when you, a 25 year old man, are only a guest in my home?”

“Noona I really don’t mind sitting somewhere else or standing to let one of them sit.” Jisung adds quietly.

“Look what you did Ten, now he feels bad. You don’t need to feel bad Jisung, Ten just has a lot of irrational anger in his very tiny body.”

“Hey, I’ll have you know-”

“Oh shut up, you two are impossible. Just sit, you know you can’t beat her Ten,” Jeno says grabbing Ten’s wrist and pulling him down onto the ground with him.

“Much better. Now let me introduce you all,” clearing your throat you turn to Jisung “Jisung this is Ten. Ten is my friend from university, he’s also Thai so if you can’t understand him it’s because his accent is too strong and you should just ignore him.”

“From what I’ve noticed Ten-ssi has very good Korean,” Jisung comments bowing his head in greeting towards Ten.

“What even was that? You have never attacked my Korean like that before.” Ten scoffs bowing his head back.

“See, impossible to understand. Moving on,” you say dismissing Ten “This is Jeno, my lovely fiancé.”

“Pleasure to meet you Jeno-ssi, I’ve heard a lot about you from y/n” Jisung says bowing his head.

Jeno eyes you but you ignore him and continue “Anyways as you both know, I’m a social worker. And I know you know this Jeno, but Ten I am also a foster parent as of a few months ago. So I want you both to meet Park Jisung, my new foster kid!”

There is a silence among you four and Jisung nervously pulls the sleeves of his jacket over his hands as he waits to hear something

“Well kid, looks like me and you are crashing this place. We’ll make it a time they won’t forget.” Ten says raising his hand for a high five.

Your eyes drift over to Jeno who was just looking at the wall behind you “Jeno, I know I didn’t talk to you about this but it was happening so fast. And Jisung and I have known each other since I started working as a social worker, he was my first case.”

“Jeno-ssi if you’re mad at anyone be mad at me. I called her to complain about my current home and she offered to take me in, I probably should’ve opposed. I just couldn’t go back to that house, it felt so wrong. And you might not understand what it’s like to be looked at like an object that’s only good for money but it feels so wrong. I’m so so-”

“Jisung-ah,” Jeno interrupts smiling softly at the boy “of course I don’t mind you staying here.Y/n has always talked about how much she wants to help people, and this is her way of going the extra step. I know not to get in her way.”

You wrap your arm around Jisung and squeeze him gently. Jisung smiles and bows his head once again “Thank you for taking me into your home.”

“Okay great! So room rearrangement, Ten you’re on the couch. Jisung let me steal some of Je’s clothes so you can have something to change into until we get your things tomorrow.”    

“Hey wait-” Ten says starting to protest.

“He who does not possess any Korean genetics shall not speak,” you say cutting him off as you stand up.

“You know I am starting to miss being away from you.” 

“Silence peasant,” and with your final statement you make your way to the guest room to strip the sheets and get some clothes for Jisung to sleep in. 

Jisung snorts “Is y/n noona always this mean?” 

“Just you wait kid, she’ll turn on you too. She always turns,” Ten says shaking his head and getting up to sit on the couch. 

“Oh I know, the closer we’ve gotten the more teasing she has gotten. But I’ve learned how to handle her” Jisung responds quietly. 

Jeno takes a seat next to Jisung, leaving enough room between them so as not to make him uncomfortable “This is your home now, no need to be so polite. Loosen up, I’d like to think I’m a pretty cool hyung. Now I’ve only just met Ten, but he is a lot like y/n so you know he’ll be fun.” 

“So I can call you guys hyung?” Jisung asks shyly, looking up at him with puppy eyes. Jeno smiles, he can instantly see why you couldn’t resist taking him in. 

“Of course kid, in case you haven't noticed we’re not very proper here,” Ten says slinging his arm around Jisung and pulling him into his side.

Jisung smiles as he allows Ten to pull him. He has never been in a home like this in all his life, not even the one he was born into. All his other homes had either been too strict about what he could or couldn’t do or had been uncaring to the point where he could be gone until one in the morning and no one would notice. 

“Thank you so much Jeno-hyung for taking me in, you could've told Noona no. And thank you Ten-hyung for giving me the room, if the couch is too uncomfortable for you I really don’t mind sleeping there until you leave. I did come after you so it would only be fair for me to take the couch.” Jisung says to make sure he isn’t overstepping any bounds by coming to live in the house so unexpectedly. 

“Jisung-ah, despite my earlier display I don’t mind sleeping on the couch if it means you have a bed. First off you now live here, so it is only fair that you actually get a room as opposed to me who is a guest. An unexpected one at that. And second you are taller than I am and I hate to imagine you cramming your entire 6 foot something body onto this couch for however long I am staying here,” Ten says.

“You hear that Jisung? You’re fine here so stop worrying that you’re in the way, and if they think you are then I will not hesitate to beat them for you. I’m watching you two,” you ‘threaten’ glaring at Jeno and Ten as you come back into the room. 

“Sigh, I liked it better when you were gone.” 

“Did you just say sigh out loud? Ten that’s a new low, even for you,” you shake your head before focusing on Jisung “There are clean clothes on the bed and you are welcome to take a shower or whatever you desire. I’m thinking we make Ten cook something Thai, he made something amazing when we were in college. He may not look it, but the guy is actually a decent cook.” 

“Since when did I agree to this?” 

You shrug ''You didn’t, you were voluntold.” 

“Before this devolves into something worse, I will gladly make dinner for the night. To celebrate our new family member,” Jeno offers, something in his voice making him sound far away. 

You tilt your head, Jeno hates cooking. He’s decent at it and everything he makes turns out good, but he always complains that it takes too long to prepare. The only times you can remember him cooking is when he proposed to you and when Jaemin came back from England.

“I’m down for that if it means it isn’t me who has to do it,” Ten says snapping you back to the conversation.

“Uh yeah, that’ll be fun. I haven’t had your food in forever Je, thanks for offering,” shaking your head to clear your thoughts you look over at Jeno to offer him a smile only find him staring at you. As soon as you make eye contact with him, however, he averts his eyes to the ground. 

You hear him sigh as he stands up, a hollow smile gracing his face “Well then I’m going to go scour the fridge and see what we have to make a decent meal with.” 

“Do you want any help Hyung?” Jisung asks politely.

 “I think I’ll be okay, but thank you for the offer Jisung,” his eyes flick over to you before looking back to Jisung and adding “I’m really glad you’re here.” 

Your stomach drops and you get this awful feeling as you watch him walk to the kitchen. What the hell does that mean? He even said that he wants to talk to me today, maybe he’s unhappy about how fast things are moving. And I just brought Jisung home, what if that tipped him over the edge? But that was after he sent me the text, he couldn’t have known about this. Unless Kuya told him about it beforehand. He doesn’t have Jeno’s-

“Noona” Jisung says placing a hand on your shoulder. When did he stand up? “Can I go take a shower?” 

“Sorry, what?” You ask, shaking your head. It’s suddenly very hard to understand Korean. 

Ten glances at you before laughing “She must be having one of those ‘any language that isn’t my native language is wrong because I’m too tired’ moments, believe me I get those all the time.” 

He stands up “Come on, I’ll show you where it is and you can use the stuff I’m using.” 

Ten glances back at you as he leads Jisung to the bathroom. A few seconds later and he is right back at your side. 

“What’s wrong?” 

“I don’t, I don’t know,” you respond, shaking your head. 

“Well then what has you thinking so hard?” 

“It’s Jeno, I think I did something wrong. He seems off, has been for awhile now and what if in bringing home a teenager I sent him over the edge?” taking a deep breath you close your eyes. Why are you acting like this? It’s Jeno, and Jeno is safe. He’d tell me if there was something wrong. 

Ten sighs, so it was y/n he was talking about this morning “H̄ạwcı I’m sure that whatever is wrong with him will get worked out.” 

“So there is something wrong, how do you know? Did he say something to you?” you ask desperately looking to Ten for some kind of comfort. 

“I don’t know anything other than the fact that it’ll work out, trust me on this. Now, shall we see what we can find on TV?” 

You nod your head and sink further into the couch, raising your hand to bite the nail bed on your pinky. 

It’s a habit you picked up once you met Jeno. You and Jaemin used to always bite your nails when you guys got nervous, and when Jeno saw you biting your nail while trying to make a quick decision he whacked your hand. ‘You and your brother are going to ruin your nails if you keep doing that,’ he scolded once you explained it was a habit you and Jaemin shared. And after you both were scolded, Jeno dragged you and Jaemin to get your nails painted. Jaemin offered to pay, but Jeno insisted and said that if we didn’t want to waste his money then we should bite at our fingers before the nail started. 

And for awhile it worked, but once the polish started chipping you started biting again. But as you were used to biting so far down on the nail, you started biting at the nail bed instead of the edge of your nail. 

But if anyone were to ask you the moment you started to like Lee Jeno, you would tell them it was that moment. You had never met someone who cared about you enough to try and fix one of your little bad habits, and the idea that there was someone like that in the world who wasn’t family was a wonder to you. 

So when Jeno asked you to go to the movies with him because a friend had cancelled on him, you were willing to abandon your class work for the time being and meet up with him. And that night, that was the most fun you had had since you entered college. Seeing as you were halfway through your sophomore year at the time, that's got to be saying something. And when Jeno, the same Lee Jeno who seemed to be invading your thoughts whenever possible, handed you a single flower for your birthday and shyly asked you to be his girlfriend, you thought it safe to say you had found your new favourite birthday gift. 

When Jaemin said he was going to finish school in England, you and Jeno had been together for two years. Yet part of you still expected him to leave you once Jaemin left. But after you dropped Jaemin off at the airport, he showed up at the apartment you used to share with Jaemin with snacks. You guys made a fort out of blankets before you forced him to watch your favourite crime shows. That night, just like when you had first met Jeno, you felt so cared for. You were reminded that someone cared about you and loved you for you. 

“Hey Noona,” Jisung asks, his voice pulling you out of your memories “can I join?” 

You smile and scoot closer to Ten in order to make room for Jisung “Absolutely, come here you limp noodle.”

“What do you mean limp noodle? I’m stronger than you will ever be,” Jisung mumbles. 

“Jisung you really shouldn’t pick up on Ten’s accent, makes you impossible to understand,” you respond shaking your head as he sits next to you. 

“And there it is, wouldn’t be y/n l/n without insulting me,” Ten says sighing. He glances at you once Jisung was settled. He would be lying if he said he wasn’t worried about you. He has no idea what Jeno is going to tell you and why it will hurt, he just knows that you’re going to be hurt and there’s nothing he can do about it. 

So he does the one thing he can, he scoots closer to you. He scoots close enough to feel you on his left side, and tries to send you all the love he has for you in hopes that you’ll feel even the slightest amount of it. Because if there’s one thing he’s learned, it’s that he has a whole lot of love for you.  

----

And here’s the second part! This is the first chapter I’m posting without help (although I did receive help on a paragraph from @bunny-doyounq), so I hope the writing style isn’t all over the place. Hope you enjoy, I would love to know what you guys think of it! 

Masterlist | Main Masterlist

Taglist:  @jnctzen         

Part 1 | Part 3

Summery: Your fiancé starts acting different once your brother comes back to Korea after working for a year in England.                                                                                      

[gryffindorcls]

Can i ask for a angsty marichat 10 for the prompts? I would love to read it!

Angst...okay...as you wish.

I’m going to post most of this under a “keep reading” line because it has some brief mentions of blood.  Nothing gory, but definitely angsty.  

ALSO, once again...season 3 spoilers...ish?  I got kind of inspired by the Kwmai Swap.  It’s still definitely MariChat, but there are some other things thrown in there.

If anyone else would like to submit a prompt ask, the list of what’s left can be found here. 

Enjoy!

---

#10 Marichat- Hear my heartbeat? Just focus on that. 

Adrien was hoping that this would be an average, run-of-the-mill Akuma attack, but when the explosions started, he knew it was going to be a difficult battle.  Sneaking out of his classroom amidst the chaos had been the easy part.  However, finding a place to transform when half the school had been reduced to rubble was a challenge.

When he finally transformed into Chat Noir, he began his search for Hawkmoth’s latest victim.  Another explosion shook the building, and Chat ran towards the source; however, he came to a screeching halt when he heard screams coming from one of the classrooms.  Chat turned his head in time to see Marinette helping several students who had gotten trapped underneath a partially collapsed ceiling.

This wasn’t the first time he’d seen his classmate helping people in dangerous situations, but the thought of something happening to Marinette terrified him.  Chat cherished her as a friend, and his need to protect her was almost on par with his desire to defend Ladybug during Akuma battles.  Unlike Ladybug, Chat knew that Marinette did not have a magical super-suit to minimize injuries in perilous situations, so getting her to safety was paramount.

“You need to get out of here,” he yelled, “Go somewhere safe!”

After pulling the last student free, she looked up.  “I can’t.  I have to find him first.”

“Don’t worry about anyone else.  It’s not safe here.  Ladybug and I will take care of everything.”

“But he wasn’t with the class when we evacuated the building.  You don’t understand!  I have to find him.  If anything happened to him...I...I...”

“Who are you looking for?”

Instead of answering his question, Chat heard Marinette scream as another explosion caused the rest of the ceiling in the classroom to come crashing down.  He shielded his eyes from the dust and debris that flew into the hallway.  Panic settled in his gut when he saw the entrance to the room obstructed by looming piles of shattered glass, chunks of concrete, pieces of ceiling tiles, and broken light fixtures.  

He desperately clawed at the debris to make an opening.  “MARINETTE!  Please tell me you’re okay!  Answer me please!”

Chat’s ears were met with silence. 

Frantic thoughts raced through his head as he tried to find a solution to the problem at hand.  “I have to get her out.  Please be okay, Marinette...please...I can’t lose you, too.  This would be so much easier if Ladybug was here.”

One minute passed.

Two minutes passed.

Ladybug was nowhere to be seen.

He had to do something.  Chat knew that it was important to save his Cataclysm for when it was needed most, but he wouldn’t be able to function during the fight if he knew that Marinette was alone and hurt.  Taking a deep breath, Chat called for his power and ran his hand across the rubble.

When the pile had been reduced to dust, he charged into the classroom.  His eyes quickly landed on the lifeless form of his classmate on the floor.  

Chat rushed to her side and cradled her in his arms.  “Marinette...Princess...wake-up.  I need to know you’re okay before I leave.”

“She’s not going to wake-up, Chat Noir,” a sad voice said in his ear.

As he turned his head, his gaze was met by the striking blue eyes of a small, red Kwami.  “Tikki!  What are you doing here?  Ladybug needs you.  I need Ladybug.  Marinette is hurt, and Ladybug is the only one who can fix it.”

A loud beep came from his ring, causing Tikki to sigh.  “You used your Cataclysm.  You only have a few minutes until you transform back.”

He ignored her statement.  “What did you mean when you said she wouldn’t wake up?  And where is Ladybug?  If she’s not going to wake-up, I can at least get her somewhere safe until Ladybug fixes this.  The Cure will fix her…right?  It has to.  She’s my friend.  I can’t lose her.”

Tikki landed on his shoulder and placed a paw on his cheek.  “Chat...I know you’re upset right now, but I need you to think for a moment.  Why would I be with Marinette right now?”

“I don’t know.”

“Yes, you do.  Think.”

Another beep came from his ring.  

“How do you know she won’t wake up?” he asked a second time.

Tikki floated down to Marinette and lifted up her blood-matted bangs to reveal a deep gash.  “The force from the blast that caved in the ceiling threw her away from the falling debris, but she got knocked out in the process.  I can feel her life-force.  It’s there, but it’s weak.  So, yes, the Miraculous Cure will heal her, but Ladybug isn’t coming...because she hit her head and won’t wake up.”

A third beep rang through the room.

“Ladybug is hurt, too?  Where is she?”

“Chat...think.”

He took a moment to soak in Tikki’s words, and a revelation came with the sounding of the fourth beep.

A cry escaped his throat as he tightened his grip on Marinette’s limp body.  “My lady...no...I can’t lose you.  Tikki!  I can’t lose them...I love both of them.  Why do people keep leaving me?”

A bright green light flooded the room as the fifth and final beep resonated throughout the space.  Plagg eyes grew wide as he took in the scene before him.

“This is bad,” he mumbled under his breath.

“Plagg...Marinette is Ladybug, and I don’t know what to do.  How are we going to fix her?”  Adrien sobbed.

“Kid, it’s going to be okay.  This isn’t the first time we’ve encountered something like this.  I know it’s scary, but we’ll get through this.  I need you to do your best to calm down and focus.  Take a few deep breaths.”

Adrien followed his Kwami’s instructions and did his best to clear his head.  “I still don’t know what to do.”

“Take off your ring.”

“What?”

“Take off your ring and put it on Marinette.  Then, take her earrings and put them on.  This isn’t the first time you’ve done this.”

“Yeah...that makes sense.  Okay...I can do that.  If I defeat the Akuma and call for the Cure, she’ll be okay, right?”

“She might be a little worn out when she wakes up, but she’ll be okay.  The explosion was caused by the Akuma, and all damage caused by magic gets reversed by the Cure,”  Tikki explained.

Adrien gently laid Marinette on the ground before switching their Miraculouses.  He then called for his new transformation.

“Plagg,” he fiddled with the yo-yo now attached to his hip, “I can’t just leave her here.”

The black Kwami nodded.  “I understand.  Take her home, and I promise I’ll stay with her.  I will be there to explain everything when she wakes up.

“Thank you.”

“Anything for you, kid.”

He scooped up Marinette in his arms and held her against his chest.  Mister Bug made sure her head was secure as he vaulted out of the demolished school building and onto the balcony above Marinette’s bedroom.  Plagg helped him open the lock on the windowed hatch, and he gingerly placed the unconscious girl onto her bed.

Mister Bug did his best to push the fear of losing Marinette out of his mind to focus on the task at hand.  “It’s up to you now.  She’s counting on you.  They’re all counting on you.  You can do this.”

The Akuma had moved away from the school and was wreaking havoc at the Trocadero Gardens.  The victim had been transformed into a mad scientist with various pieces of lab equipment attached to different parts of his body.  

Mister Bug called for his Lucky Charm and was given a fire extinguisher that he used to put out what looked like a pilot light on the top of the victim’s head.  This gave Mister Bug just enough time to grab the Akumatized object and smash it.

He cleansed the Akuma and called for the Cure.  As the pink ladybugs swirled around the city, Mister Bug breathed a sigh of relief.  His lady was going to be okay.

As much as he wanted to rush back to Marinette, he stayed to make sure that the Akuma victim was emotionally stable.  He learned that the victim was a student at his school who had failed a test in Ms. Mendeleiev’s class.  He had begged for a retest but was instead told to study harder before the next exam.  After becoming upset, Hawkmoth had given him the power to use the elements on the periodic table to exact his revenge on Ms. Mendeleiev.

Once he felt sure that the former victim was not going to be re-Akumatized, Mister Bug used his yo-yo to swing towards the Dupain-Cheng’s bakery.  Several warning beeps sounded before he made it back to Marinette’s house.  As he landed on her balcony, his transformation melted away.  To his surprise, Tikki stopped him from entering Marinette’s bedroom.

“Wait...I understand you want to see her, but maybe you should transform back into Chat Noir first,” the red Kwami suggested.

“Why?” Adrien asked, feeling a restless buzz course through him, “I already know her identity.  It’s only fair that she learns mine, as well.”

She shook her head.  “Trust me.  Finding out that you’re Chat Noir is going to be a lot for her to process.  It’ll be best for you to take it slow.”

Tears started to form in the corners of his eyes.  “I really need to see her.  I can’t get the image of her…like that...out of my mind.  Please just let me see her.  It’ll be okay if she knows who I am.  We’re friends...please, Tikki.  I love her.”

“I know.  Please trust me on this one.  Two minutes...that’s all I’m asking.”

“I don’t know if I can wait any longer than that.”

Tikki phased through the hatch.  Moments later, a familiar hand pushed open the window and tossed his silver ring onto the terrace.

“I fed him!  Don’t worry!” Marinette called out.

Hearing her voice made Adrien’s knees feel weak.  Knowing that she was okay flooded his body with relief.  He hastily put on the ring, called for his transformation, and rushed over to the hatch.  When Chat Noir peered into the room, he was met by a smiling, very much alive Marinette.  

He hopped onto her bed and reached a clawed hand out to touch her face.  She leaned into his touch and giggled.  Chat was immediately reduced to tears.  

He threw his arms around Marinette and whispered into her ear.  “Don’t ever leave me like that again.  I can’t lose you.  You almost died, and I…I can’t...”

She pulled him closer and had him rest his head against her chest.  “Hear my heartbeat? Just focus on that.  Thanks to you, I’m okay.”

He released a tearful chuckle.  “Honestly, I never pictured the return of Mister. Bug going quite like this.” 

“You did well, Chaton.  I couldn’t have done it better myself.”

“That’s high praise.”

“You deserve it.  Ladybug would be nothing without her Chat Noir.”

“I’m nothing without you.  I don’t ever want to let you go.”

“We can stay like this for a little while.  School is definitely canceled for the rest of the day, but I really need to check that someone is okay in a few minutes.”

He broke away from their embrace and looked her in the eyes.  “Was it the person you were looking for before the ceiling collapsed?  May I ask who it was?”

Her cheeks turned red.  “Oh...ummm...it’s uhh...Adrien Agreste.  Now that you know who I am, I might as well tell you that he’s the boy that I like.  I know that the Cure makes everything okay again, but he wasn’t with the class when everyone evacuated the school.  I...I need to know he’s okay.”

Chat laughed.  “Him?  Oh my gosh, Bugaboo.  He’s fine.  Trust me.  If you let me tell you who I am, I can prove it.”

She smiled at him.  “No, I trust you.  If you say he’s okay, then he’s okay.  Anyway, it’s not like I’d be able to talk to him if I found him.  I always manage to freak out or jumble up my words around him.”

Tikki’s reluctance to have him reveal his identity suddenly made sense.  “And you really like him?”

“Yes, and I know what you’re thinking.  It’s not because he’s rich or a model.  I like him because he’s kind and selfless.  The fact that he’s cute is just an added bonus.”

“Please let me tell you who I am,” he begged.

Marinette rolled her eyes.  “I’ll make a deal with you, kitty.  I’m really tired right now, and I don’t think I can handle any more surprises at the moment.  I give you full permission to tell me who you are tomorrow, and you may do it any way you’d like.  For today, I’d like you to just be my Chaton.”

“I think I can live with that,” Chat said as he pulled her into another embrace.  

They stayed in each other’s arms until Marinette couldn’t ignore the sudden and incessant ringing of her cell phone any longer.  “I’m sorry, kitty.  That’s Alya.  She knows I was in the building when the roof caved in.  She’s probably freaking out.”

“That’s okay, Princess.  Besides, I have a reveal to plan.”  He winked shot her his signature grin.

“I’m looking forward to it.  Until tomorrow, Chat Noir.”

“Until tomorrow, my lady.”

He gently kissed her knuckles before leaping out the window and vaulting across the rooftops.  When he jumped through his window and detransformed in his bedroom, he sat down on his couch and thought about how surprised Marinette was going to be when he gave her a bouquet of roses at school tomorrow.

[nmnostalgiadrabbles]

On Rivalry - KakaGai

look im realizing kakashi and gai are actually far more difficult to write than I anticipated so here's just one of a million attempts to get it right (though I'd say anyone of us stands a better chance at characterization and plot than kishimoto lol) anyway bear with me

takes place after the war, domestic-ish au, no sasuke as it should be

Gai had known Kakashi for thirty years before he saw his face, though that didn’t really describe the experience correctly; Gai didn’t just see his face, he was mesmerized by it. Had it been the right time, and under the right circumstances, Gai certainly would have kissed him. But not here, not now.

At their feet, Kakashi’s most exceptional student was trying desperately to heal his most knuckle-headed student. The war was over and long-gone, and relations between nations had improved greatly, but not all ninja had peace in their hearts. Sakura herself was injured greatly, and could only continue treating Naruto because Kakashi and Gai stood behind her with a hand on each shoulder and transferred their own (dwindling) chakra to her. It went on like so for an hour before Sakura faltered and Kakashi had to stoop to hold her upright.

“I can tell you’re both at your limits. Your chakra will be depleted within minutes.” She didn’t say it was hopeless, but her body began to shake.

Gai took a breath. “Gate of pain, open.”

(Sakura didn’t say that the new chakra burned as it passed through her.)

Later, “Gate of closing,”

“Gate of joy,”

“Gate of shock,”

“Gai –”

“It’s alright, Kakashi. Youth will continue on with him.”

“Sensei,” Sakura interrupted, and Kakashi noted that her shoulders, even if just a little, relaxed. “He’ll be okay now.”

Kakashi looked up at Gai and Gai saw that his mask was down and his face wet; it hit him that his mask had been down when he’d first came upon the scene hours before, but that the urgency of the situation had called his attention more and he hadn’t noticed. Now, Gai thought clearly that his rival had him bested in a competition he could never hope to win in a rematch – he was the most beautiful person Gai’d ever set eyes upon.

“- never been a medic, but I can stabilize you.”

Gai came back to the present to see Kakashi treating Sakura; her wound had been dire, but not to the extent of Naruto’s, so she took only seconds to work on herself while healing Naruto, and even then only with one hand, and only with the crudest technique. In the final stretch, Gai had supplied most of the chakra for Sakura to use, and Kakashi had been able to restore some of his, so he used that, in the form of his lightning nature, to fully cauterize the gash in her abdomen. If her work had been crude earlier, his was primitive. When he finished, Kakashi rubbed her neck and ran his fingers through her hair and then Gai understood.

As Naruto came to, Kakashi pulled himself together and his mask up.

Sakura mustered what strength she had left to tell Naruto, “You missed it. Kakashi-sensie’s mask was off.” To which Naruto bolted upright and started off on a long and loud list of complaints and gripes about how he had nearly died, he deserved to see his face! and Gai smiled. Sakura laughed, and Kakashi looked back at Gai with eyes he could tell were still misty. For perhaps the millionth time, he thought his rival was quite cunning.

Was that what it had been about all this time? Concealing his emotions? Gai wondered if he’d ever actually ask him.

The four only made it half-way back to the village before collapsing, and were hospitalized after a search-and-rescue found them half a day later.

Tsunade herself tended all of them, practically every hour for about three days, and then they were stable enough to be treated by Shizune and Ino. After that, it was regular nurses, and then only a few more days before they were released. By that time, Sakura was, unbeknownst to the Hokage, checking in on the others. Gai had stumbled toward Kakashi’s room, and peered through the cracked door before entering to see if his rival was sleeping, but found him instead pre-occupied with a pink-haired medic.

“How are you feeling?” He heard her ask.

“I’m fine. I suffered the least of it.”

“But you still suffered.” She lifted a hand to his cheek and pulled his mask down to plant a soft, quiet kiss on his mouth.

“You should head back to your room and rest,”

“I will, but first Naruto and Gai-sensei.”

“We’re all in capable hands, Sakura.”

To that, she pulled his mask back up and winked before making her way to the door.

“Oh! Hi, Gai-sensei – I was just on my way to see you! How are you feeling today?”

“Oh, hello, Sakura.” He cleared his throat. “My youth has not yet reached its sunset; I will be back at it in no time! Or it’s five-hundred laps around the hospital when I do get out!”

She laughed and stepped around to examine the muscles in his back and shoulders.

She hummed with some concern. “You’re still quite tight. Deep tissue will hurt, but it’ll help you in the long run. Shizune’s exceptionally skilled in massage therapy; I’ll mention it to her.”

He went to protest, but she interrupted him with, “See you later, sensei, I’m off to see how that knuckle-head is doing. You know how hopeless he is!”

Gai couldn’t help but smile, though –

“Gai, come in.”

Gai blinked and remembered what he’d come there to do.

“Kakashi – are you recovering well?”

“Never mind me. Your chakra network was sent through the ringer. Sakura didn’t say it, but you should still be in bed.”

Gai shuffled to stand in front of the window.

“Gai-sensie!” Loud and filled with love and concern came his star pupil’s voice from the door to the hallway.

“Lee!”

Lee all but tackled him. “They wouldn’t let anyone in to see you but I was so worried! Oh, Gai-sensie!”

  After being discharged from the hospital, they were quite nearly at one-hundred percent. Naruto was as loud and obnoxious – albeit in his own special, endearing sort of way – as ever, Sakura was gearing up to come back to work at the hospital, and Kakashi and Gai were waiting for the next assignment. Gai wasn’t expecting company the first Friday at home after the mission, but Kakashi knocked on his door nonetheless.

“Kakashi,”

“Evening, Gai.”

Gai looked at the brown bag of groceries settled in between the crook of Kakashi’s left elbow and his hip.

“What are you doing here?”

“Isn’t it fairly obvious?” He let himself into Gai’s apartment and made for the kitchen, dropping the bag on the counter when he reached it. “Cooking competition.” Behind him filed in Naruto, Sakura, Lee, Neji, and Tenten.

“Gai-sensie we have the utmost faith that you will prepare the tastiest dish tonight! Right Neji, Tenten?” Lee looked back at his teammates, who mumbled uninspired yeahs.

Gai smiled, feeling more human than he had in some time. “Naturally, my pupils. You need only sit back and enjoy the show!”

Naruto slapped Kakashi on the shoulder and grinned on the way to the couch, saying only, “I hope you’re thinking ramen!”

Sakura explained that they would be the judges of both preparation and end result of this night’s meal while Kakashi spread the ingredients from the bag out and filtered through Gai’s cabinets for spices cookware.

“I don’t believe in all our years of rivalry that we have ever faced off over the stove, but don’t you go thinking that means I’m not ready to become the undisputed champion of both this kitchen and yours, Kakashi!”

In no time aprons were fastened and spoons, knives, oil and vegetables of all kinds were flying back and forth. The students founds themselves enjoying the show more than judging, save for Neji, who remained quiet and stoic as always (with the exception of an outburst of Are you really putting cinnamon in a tomato dish?! toward Gai halfway through).

In the end, Kakashi was victorious.

“ – not to say Gai-sensei’s creation isn’t fabulous, it is, but Kakashi-sensei’s takes the cake.” Sakura said in between bites. Even Lee had to agree, with tears streaming, that though by only the smallest margin, his sensei had been bested.

The sun had set long before they’d sat down to eat, and now that they were finished, Kakashi and Gai’s students found themselves pleasantly full and yawning on their way out the door. Gai brought a half-empty bottle of sake out for the two of them to finish before eventually saying goodnight, but, as always, he didn’t expect to see the other man’s face. It had only happened before because he was so emotionally compromised and exhausted on that mission, so it did shock him and he did stare when Kakashi removed his mask to drink in front of him.

Kakashi noticed his gaze. “Hm?”

Gai turned slightly on the couch to get a better look. “Kakashi, was tonight your idea?”

“Oh, I might have mentioned something like it, but Naruto and Lee were the masterminds. You know how they get something in their heads and take off running,”

Gai hummed a laugh, because he had to respond, but really he was still occupied watching his mouth move.

“Gai, I can’t thank you enough for what you did. They would have died for certain if you hadn’t been there.”

Gai smiled. “What are friends for?”

And then Kakashi looked at him differently – why? Gai couldn’t decipher but – and set his drink down and closed his eyes and kissed Gai.

“I suppose they’re for a lot of things.”

[whereisvanderwood]

Hi!! I adore your blog and headcanons. Could I request a rather specific one? How do you think the RFA would react to an MC who works as an advocate for victims of domestic and sexual violence? I work as one in the courts and find myself wishing for a RFA member to run home to on tough days. If not no big deal!!

I had to watch some youtube videos to educate myself more on the work of advocacy, and I really admire you. I’m studying psychology right now to hopefully work in the social work field some day, helping others, but I can’t imagine how tough those tough days must be for you. What a truly amazing field of work.

I hope my writing would bring you comfort for those hard days in some way :) Keep doing what you’re doing!!!

RFA reacting to MC working as a victim advocate.

*:･ﾟ✧

YOOSUNG

This boy was absolutely mind-blown.

He’d done work experience in a retirement home, so he figured that was kind of similar to what you did? Helping people is all the same thing, right? No matter what it is.

But something just lit his spirit, ignited a flame, awoke some sort of new determination to be as life-giving and hope-bringing as you were, instead of just playing video games day-in and day-out.

After the RFA party and when your relationship was deemed official, you finally decided to move in together after enough time had passed.

He would go to school, and you would go to the courts to fight for those who needed to be fought for.

Your phone was off most of the time since you’re day was often full and you rarely had time for breaks, unfortunately. So when you would finally be home together, he really treasured the time you both had until you were to be separated at the crack of dawn the following day.

“MC… how on earth do you do it? Isn’t it hard working in court?”

He could never understand what sort of hells you were extirpating in all your working hours. No-one could really understand that kind of feeling unless they were in the same position.

And it was no lie that some days were harder than others. Much harder.

He knew when it was one of those days for you.

The routine he would follow was, firstly, stop complaining about his own problems, turn off his games when you would walk in the door, and glomp you.

You needed a big ‘ol glomp today.

You were tired, emotionally drained, and wanted nothing more than to be home. Your arms were hanging by your side as you accepted his love, exhausted.

“Good job, MC. What you’re doing is amazing! And never forget it!”

From there, it was straight onto the couch with some junk food and a much needed comedy film.

ZEN

All he’d ever dreamed of as a little boy was to have the perfect voice to share to the world.

But after he learned that you had your own voice, but of a different kind, he knew his voice could never beat yours.

You were a voice for those who didn’t have one. You can’t get anymore perfect than that.

He’d never been exposed to that kind of industry before– his own line of work was more along the lines of helping himself and continuously strive for greatness in entertainment, not really helping other people.

So you were certainly a breath of fresh air, a new point of view.

“MC, that’s so cool that you help other people! I could never do something like that.”

He was always listening to your stories of your different cases you worked on during the week. His face would change like he was a little boy hearing his father re-tell the fantasies of his lifetime. You were his idol.

He wanted to change. He suddenly wanted to be someone that could maybe make someone’s life a little better.

You would always assure him that his very existence made millions of lives infinitely better already.

Every now and again, he would read his phone during his breaks in rehearsal and see what few texts you’d been able to send him. Some were a nice “I love you” message, while others weren’t so cheerful – “I’ll be home late.”

He sighed at those texts. He hated them. Not just because he’d have to wait longer to see you again, but because he hated them for you. It must’ve been a tougher case than normal if it meant you were working later.

As soon as his director gave him the okay to go home for the day, he’d borderline the speed limit on his motorcycle to get home as fast as possible.

He would stop by the supermarket, pick up beautifully fresh ingredients for a well-deserved dinner.

As soon as you would walk in the door, it would be nothing but candlelight paired with gentle jazz and aromatic cooking sweeping you off your feet.

Over dinner you’d spill about your day to him with all the frustrations you felt. It was like word vomit. But he always listened.

He’ll always listen to whatever is on your mind, no matter how minor or major it seemed to you. He’d do what he can to relieve any weight from your shoulders.

JAEHEE

That evening coffee is already waiting for you on the bench when you walk through the front door.

She relates on a personal level when you talk about how hard some days are in your field. She remembered how much she struggled physically and emotionally with the never-ending line of work when she was employed for C&R.

But working for Jumin Han and as an advocate for victims of broken homes and relationships were two completely different things.

While she wasn’t in a domestically violent family, she didn’t feel like she was allowed to speak up in the household she grew up in.

She only wishes she could’ve met you a couple of decades earlier. You would’ve been the only thing she needed in life to get by.

So when you ring her up on a random day, feeling overwhelmed with stress and emotion and exhaustion, she wanted to be your own personal cheerleader.

“Oh, MC… I’m sorry it’s been hard on you today. But I’m sure you’re doing the very best you can, and it’ll always be enough.”

Making coffees for you daily was great practice for her latte art, and would often try to lift your worn-out spirits with some new creation.

She makes sure there is nothing that has to be done as soon as you walk in the door– cleaning done, dinner done, putting on Zen’s musical done– so you can just walk in and flop onto the couch beside her with your pre-made coffee.

Many many cuddles are shared with affirmations of your astounding dedication to your work, matching the resolve of no other that she knew.

“I’m so proud of you, MC.”

JUMIN

The chairman-to-be was known to not be very emotionally empathetic, but that didn’t stop him from trying.

He admired what you did for others. He believed he helped others in his own way through the economy, but he knew your job was far more rewarding in the long-term.

He could only imagine the amazing feeling of laying your head on your pillow at night, thinking to yourself “I’ve made someone’s life better.” How many people get to experience that?

He wanted to be more educated on what it meant to truly help others from your perspective.

Since discovering what you had devoted yourself to, he wanted to do everything in his power to support your cause in any way, mostly funding and donating to projects to raise awareness of the devastating lives people were subjected to.

Most days you come home tired, but when it’s a day we’re you’re really tired, he knows.

If you’re slumped on the couch, he’ll practically throw Elizabeth the 3rd on top of you.

He’ll fetch a glass of wine and have a grazing platter made by one of his chefs.

You insisted that being in his penthouse was luxuriously relaxing as is, but he refused to be denied in giving you the special treatment you deserved. You were his princess and you have every right to feel like one every second of the day.

He was good for those needed moments of tough love if you would ever doubt yourself and if what you were doing truly was good enough. But that didn’t mean that he wouldn’t cuddle you for those needed times of gentle affection.

“Is there anything I can do, MC?”

“Just tell me I’m doing a good job.”

A million times over, for the entire universe to hear, he would tell you.

SEVEN

An answered prayer, you were to him.

The moment he did his first background check on you, his heart fluttered. He nearly cried.

As a victim of domestic violence, he felt lighter when he read your occupation title, like a demon that had been clinging onto him for a number of years suddenly broke away.

Even though he didn’t have a way of knowing if you’d gone through the same thing as he did, he felt like he was actually allowed to speak to someone about his broken past, even though it was strictly forbidden in the agency.

The moment the first chatroom closed, he called you instinctively, like he’d done it a million times before.

“So! You’re a victim advocate, huh? That’s… really cool of you, MC. Truly.”

Finally, when times were good and stable for the two of you to have a completely open relationship, he spoke from his hurt heart, and you listened.

He would’ve never gotten help for his mental health if you were any other person. But you were his help, and he felt completely understood by you, having the privilege to speak to someone as kind-hearted as yourself.

He was truly blessed for you to have downloaded the app. Without that one significant choice you’d made, his life would never be the same without you.

Knowing how difficult it would be to work in the social work industry, he knew there must’ve been plenty of days where you’d just had enough.

Truth be told, he would get excited on those days as it made him feel he was able to do something equally as life-giving for you as what you’d done for him. Though it was probably a little bit selfish, he still wanted to be someone you could lean on when your head was heavy.

He’d often give you the remaining bags of his Honey Buddha  chips with a can of Dr. Pepper to give you some sugar, or maybe play a few pranks on Vanderwood to get some laughs out of you.

And after all the talking and the comforting would be finished, the rest of the night would be solely spent on meme-searching.

He knew how dark domestic violence was, as he’d been in that darkness, and he refused to let you feel the affects of such a sad reality. He promised himself he would keep your light shining bright.

*:･ﾟ✧  btw the MM HC groups I do are:

- RFA

- RFA + ANOTHER STORY (V and Saeran)

- SECRET ENDING SQUAD (Seven, Saeran, Vanderwood).

- PLUS INDIVIDUAL ONES.

Masterlist! + Request Box!

If you need a laugh, please watch this video if you like kermit the frog videos.

[creepycreepyspacewizard]

32, 36 and 41 for Donal please!

Yay! My favourite silly Hux! Thank you!! [For newcomers- Donal Hux is from Eldritch Effect, a comic fantasy modern Kylux AU]

32. Describe a scenario in which your character feels most uncomfortable.

Happy families. Donal has been through so much and encounters such weird situations, but I can’t imagine him happily sitting down to a traditional Sunday dinner with ‘normal’ people. I don’t just mean ‘not supernatural’ but just emotionally stable, undramatic people with ordinary desk jobs. The sort of people you see in commercials on TV. His world is a bit like the Addams Family at this point and encountering something that average would probably give him a panic attack. He’d be looking for what was secretly wrong with them all the time like they were robots or something.

36. How does your character behave around people they dislike?

Hux isn’t great at keeping his mouth shut. He has a mild case of thinking he’s better than everyone else and while he knows that’s the wrong approach to life and he actively tries to see the best in people, when someone pisses him off he tends to eviscerate them. In the Army he did that in the privacy of his own brain but dating Kylo means no privacy so... Now he often says what he thinks, for better or worse.

41. Does your character feel that they deserve to have what they want, whether it be material or abstract, or do they feel they must earn it first?

Hux sometimes feels hes earned only the negative aspects of his life and since the positive was given by an external source (he’d never have met Kylo if the djinn hadn’t manipulated his life) he often worries it’ll all be taken a way if he doesn’t try hard enough. As for future wants I’m not sure he really has any. He has Kylo, he has their strange nomadic life. All he wants is for that to continue. Scratch that he also wants a drink and a chance to rest somewhere warm. Kylo’s chest seems like a good place to rest. Now who can pass him a beer?

Character Development Asks Hard Mode

[thewillowbends]

Thoughts on TLJ - SPOILERS

Now for some spoilery content!  Now that I've had a sleepless night going over some of my feelings about it, I can shuffle through what I did and didn't like.

- - - - -

TLJ Positivity:

-I liked the trajectory of Rey's whole storyline.  I had hedged my bets between two concepts - Rey as Anakin reborn (which, admittedly, I preferred because I'm an indulgent prequel junkie) or that she was a nobody, representing an entirely new generation to whom the Skywalker legacy was being handed to.  The wound up being the latter, but I'm not as disappointed as I expected.  While I have...many, many issues with some of the characterization in this film, hers felt like it progressed the most naturally.  This idea of legacies and prophecies going the way of the past, of letting a new generation start fresh but not at the expense of destroying it, of letting the PEOPLE take ahold of their destiny instead of the burden falling on a few "chosen ones" is not something I feel is necessarily a bad moral lesson for the audience nor fundamentally detrimental to the movies' previous material.

Note: I'm still writing that Rey-as-Anakin fic.  YOU CAN'T STOP ME DISNEY.

-Adam Driver has a really nice gym routine.  So does John Boyega.

-Kelly Marie Tran is adorable, guys.  She is literally the cutest.

-A film could never hurt for more POC and they could definitely use in the main cast, but I will say that the newer movies definitely feel more "casually diverse."  There are POC in the Rebellion, POC in villains, POC in the civilian culture, POC in the main cast.  It doesn't feel forced.  They're just THERE, which is how it should be.

-Adam Driver is also really good in this movie.  Considering we're not getting as extensive a backstory as most of us wished for Ben, he still does a remarkable job making the character engaging through his performance.  They essentially give him Vader's original plotline in ESB/ROTJ before the "Vader as Anakin" storyline came into fruition.  So he's sort of Vader's heir in a new and more devastating way.  Kylo isn't emotionally stable or enough of a visionary to really be the driving force of an empire, so it'll be interesting to see how that tension between Hux and Kylo works itself out in the last film.

- @ahollowyear  - I got a real kick out of how much of the actual storyline you accurately predicted vis a vis Kylo and Rey.  You wrote that fanfic, what, a year before the details of TLJ even started coming out?

-I am deeply relieved that we avoided the reductive light/dark balance the trailers teased at.  The dark side is still what imbalances the Force - it inevitably exists but is not necessary for balance.  Also, that the main cast's discussion of ~character complexity~ was not that open ended, since the film's protagonists actively reject more of the nihilistic viewpoints being thrown by side characters.

-Carrie Fisher is always and forever the queen. <3

-I liked the final scenes with Luke.  I really liked the choice of a binary sunset to bookend Luke's story.  Genreally, I'm not a huge fan of ALL POWERFUL JEDI, but I can deal with astral projected battles from a Skywalker because Skywalkers are special.  But he went out in a way that I found meaningful and touching.

TLJ Negativity:

WHERE THE HELL ARE RIAN JOHNSON'S EDITORS IN THIS MOVIE.

Seriously, what was going on with the writing process here?  Why is the plot all over the damn place?  (Answer: Because they didn't plot out this arcs in advance and it shows.)  Why do we spend 30-40 mintues on a casino sidequest that literally has NO ACTUAL EFFECT ON THE GODDAMN PLOT.  What are characters like Benicio del Toro's and Laura Dern even doing in this film?  We literally are trying to balance nearly two casts (OT/ST) worth of character development, the last thing you want or need is unnecessary characters distracting from the main development or wasted scenery.  And that's what literally the entire middle chunk of Rose and Finn's plotline - wasted action.

There are so many good ideas struggling to be communicated in the absolute muddled mess that is the middle of the movie.  We have a storyline about light and dark being natural opposite but neither being an inevitability outside of our personal choices.  We have the theme of the natural order of things, life begetting death begetting life, and the idea of legacies carrying us through strife so that we can become the heroes of our own making instead of relying on others to save us.  There's commentary about the significance of failures, how sometimes they're more important than victories because of what they reveal to us about ourselves and each other, and how we come to terms with them when they can't be easily remedied.  The casino is clearly meant to be a commentary about exploitative capitalism and the way the evil of fascism destroys culture and people from the top down.  All of these are great ideas, but you need to have that effectively communicated to your audience, and you need to communicate it meaningfully.

And the characters.  THE CHARACTERS.  The chaaaaaaaaaaaaraaaaacters.

Rey and Kylo I'm fine with.  Their development doesn't bother me.  I can even deal with Rose, though I wish her purpose in the plot wasn't so hamfisted.

But Finn and Poe?  Why did it feel like their character arcs literally rebooted for this film?  Poe is clearly inteded to be a kind of surrogate son to Leia ("mother of the rebellion"), serving as a foil to Ben, so I get why there's a general parallel there in the two progressing toward leadership roles - one who violently grasps at power, while the other faces some hard lessons about the reality and sacrifice of command as opposed to heroics.  I feel like that's a natural progression of what we saw in their relationship in TFA, but it still feels like a step back because the level of experience and confidence we saw in him in TFA doesn't mirror how Leia views him in TLJ.  If anything, he should have been growing into the position of command so that Leia can effectively and believably pass that legacy on to him.  Instead, what we get is a plotline that suggests to us that Poe isn't really ready for him, which is...regressive?  Like, all of these character should have been going through these changes at the start of the film, not ending on them.

(This being said, what the hell is wrong with Admiral Holdo that she can't understand the value of basic communication?  Like, she's meant as a lesson to the audience about mistaking reckless action for heroism, but it's hard not to agree with Poe when she's literally telling NOBODY UNDER HER NOTHING.  How easily could all of that drama been avoided if she's just said what the actual plan was instead of creating so much fear and uncertainty on the bridge?)

(I totally ship Leia/Holdo though.)

And Finn.  Oh my God, I feel so bad for John Boyega.  What a waste of his charisma and talent.  Most of TFA is Finn going from a deserter seeking *individual* salvation from the First Order and recognizing by the end the responsibility one has in the stand against evil.  So he basically...rehashes that entire character development here?  Wouldn't it have made more sense to see him struggling with his reputation as a hero in the Rebellion and then coming to terms with his new role?  Let him wrestle with the existentialist uncertainty of being able to make his own choices!  Explore the trauma of his experiences in the army by having him struggle with his fear and uncertainty while infiltrating the First Order - use it to emphasize the contradictions of his experiences with the freedom of his new life.

If you wanted to interject some moral ambiguity, why not have him address the issue that the New Order's army is essentially a SLAVE army?  Wouldn't that scene with Phasma held much greater power if he'd tried to appeal to his fellow soldiers about the destruction the New Order has wrought on their lives, about the potential they could have if they rose up against them?  If you're going to have Benicio del Toro nihilistically declaring that the war is endless and therefore moral standpoints are meaningless, why not have Finn reject that meaningfully to both the audience outside the movie and within it?  Legit y'all, my ideal ending for this man is to take his place in helping rebuild a newer, better system for all of them - and what better way than by helping to rehabilitate his fellow child soldiers?

Just ugh, out of everything that bothers me in the movie, Finn is the character that leaves the worst taste in my mouth.  He was my favorite in TFA, and his character development should be progressing beyond this point by now.

Also: GOD HELP ME if they kill off Leia in episode III.  It would be beyond heartless and irresponsible given the overall thematic trend of the movies.  The character who tells us dejectedly that she "went out fighting" is arguably the one who should live to pass the legacy on and die peacefully.

TLJ neutrality:

-I am on the fence regarding Luke's characterization, leaning towards finding it less problematic than others might.  He's pretty clearly suffering from severe depression, which can take a person to some pretty dark places.  Most of my struggles with his characterization center around his confrontation of Ben.  Do I feel that Luke is somebody who would pull the blade on his nephew?  Part of me violently rejects that, but there's another part that considers it from the perspective of somebody dealing with the horror of thinking he created another Vader, of knowing what Ben could become, of the Force showing him a horrific future...and giving into that temptation the dark side presents in thinking our choices are already made. I can dig the idea that part of nefariousness of the dark is in undermining our belief in full agency.  Could I believeably see him, in a moment of weakness, pulling his lightsaber?  I'm vacillating on the issue.  Ben Solo isn't all that particularly different from Jason in the old EU, and Luke toed the line of darkness dealing with his fall, too.

-I'd really like more EU exposition as to what exactly what down with Snoke and Ben when he was a child.  How was he already THAT damaged by the time of Luke's confrontation with him?  What was going on that Luke was either blind to or struggling to care for him without Leia and Han's help?

-I go between feeling like Leia was well used here to feeling like she could have done so much more, that we could have seen more emotional strife with her where Ben and Luke are concerned.  Instead, we knock her out partway through the movie, which is such a shame because we no longer have the option of the third movie to be her swan song.  Carrie Fisher was wonderful here, but I struggle with whether I feel like this story gave her the send off she deserved.

-The twins reunion.  It was touching and memorable, don't get me wrong, but it's sad to think that's the end of it.  I figured something like that was coming, but STILL.  God, Skywalker/Organa life depresses me.

-Speaking of, I'm a total idiot because it took me entirely too long to catch on to what was going on the astral projection scene.  Hurr hurr, I said, when did Luke build a new lightsaber?  And get sweet clothes?  And did he lift the X-wing out of the water to get there?  omfg, all of the hints were there, I'm just ridiculous.

-Yes, the scene with Leia saving herself with the Force is pretty cool.  Not sure if I feel it toes into ridiculous territory, though.

-SWEAR TO GOD DISNEY, if you give me a love triangle in the third film with girl fighting over Finn, I will flip my shit.

TLJ LOLs:

This movie practically made Rey and Ben canon, and I had a tremendously unkind moment of smug amusement at how the more obnoxious antis were going to react to this film. The histrionic discourse is the thing of legends, let me tell you.

[lrhbadomens]

When Souls Collide Chapter 15

Is love ever strong enough to survive distance? Is friendship ever enough between two lost lovers?

A story about coming out, finding love, losing love and finding each other again.

Masterlist Wattpad

The entire flight I've been shaking my legs or fiddling with my fingers to the point where Charlotte had to snap at me to stop. She's excited to see Justin, of course she is, he calls her every night for three hours straight. As we're now getting our luggage in the airport of Denver, my nerves start to set in. What if she's not happy to see me? What if I catch her cheating on me with Taylor? What if she breaks up with me? What if other friends of them don't like me already? I mean, I'm just plain old me. I don't have cool hair and I don't sing or have any talents.

"Stop worrying, I can almost see them come out of your ears" Charlotte nudges me as we walk out of the airport to look for a cab.

"I can't help it. I don't want her to break up with me or not be happy when I arrive in a second" My heart starts to beat harder just thinking about showing up there.

"It'll be fine, if she does something stupid I will kick her ass okay? I'm sure she doesn't or Justin would have told me about it by now" Charlotte responds and it eases my mind a bit. I used to be strong and if someone hurt me I would confront them myself and be courageous but this all changed when I started dating Lynn. I'm now weak and scared to lose her because she's the first person I loved with my entire heart and it's taking everything in me not to push her away.

I've been so in my head to I don't realise we actually pulled up at festival site. As I focus my eyes outside, I see a lot of people walking around. We get out of the car and take our luggage from the trunk and pay the cab driver. I have to take a minute to get out of my head to look for the artists area but Charlotte is faster than me so she grabs my hand and drags me towards the entrance for artists where I see Justin waiting on her.

She releases my hand and runs towards him and swings her arms around his neck. She's so happy to see him, I wish I could feel that way. I think she loves him but she's too scared to admit it to herself so soon. After they're done kissing and saying hello, Justin turns to me.

"Hey Kerry!" He hugs me softly and smiles before turning back to wrap his arm around Charlotte's shoulder. Justin explains that he'll take us in the area because we wouldn't have gotten in alone. But my feet aren't moving as they walk further, it takes Charlotte a while to realise I'm stood in the same position.

"Ker?" A couple of seconds later she's back in front of me.

"I can't do this" I whisper softly, my body rigid. I want to be able to fling myself into Lynn's arms like Charlotte did but I'm certain that she won't even be happy that I'm here.

"Yes you can, you need to confront her face to face. You said so yourself. I'm going to be here for you the entire time" Charlotte pulls at my hand and somehow I make it to the front of the tour bus. As I'm facing it, I wonder if Lynn is on there and already seeing me.

"She's not on there, she should be back in a little bit" Justin pats my shoulder so I nod softly.  I immediately wonder what she's doing, is she with Taylor? Is she on their tour bus? Are they walking around the festival?

"Kerry?" Her confused voice reaches me in which I automatically spin around. She's standing about 10 feet away from me, her face confused and Taylor right by her side. Lynn looks gorgeous as always, her blonde her around her shoulders and she looks so good next to Taylor, like they should be dating. What am I doing here?

So I break down then and there. I fall to my knees realising that she's fine, she hasn't been thinking about us or our troubles. I hide my face in my hands as I sob, my body shaking heavily. A slight gasp is heard around me from shock and arms are wrapped around me.

"I've got you, baby" Her voice ringing through my ears, I shake my head in response. I missed her voice so much, I haven't heard her call me baby in what feels like forever but isn't that long. I haven't heard her actual voice for more than three sentences in a row.

"Can you look at me?" She whispers but I shake my head again. I don't want her to see my ugly crying face now. I don't want Taylor to see me like this, I bet she already hates me.

"Don't hide away from me, don't push me out" She kisses the side of my face and I pull my head away instantly crawling away from her, finally looking at her but feeling furious.

"I'm not fucking pushing you out" I spit at her and her face is full of surprise but I also that everyone else has left us which I'm kind of thankful for as it is now slightly darker around us too.

"Yes you are, you don't talk to me anymore. You barely look at me, your answers are always curt, whenever I ask how you're doing you say you're fine but then you tell me you miss me" Lynn softly explains as she sits down cross legged in front of me. If she could stop being so fucking nice and beautiful this would be a lot easier.

"You barely call me and when you do it's by mistake. Whenever we talk you're either talking about Taylor or you barely speak three sentences. We used to talk for hours on the phone, you used to tell me you love me multiple times. I maybe got it once in the past weeks? I don't want to live in this fear anymore of you being on the edge of breaking up with me so just do it already so I can go back home" I try to explain as calmly as she did but tears roll down my cheeks as my chest beats hard in my chest.

"I thought you liked it when I talked about Taylor because you seemed so excited whenever I told you a story so I kept that up?" Lynn frowns my way. She did what?

"What?" I mirror her expression.

"I am not breaking up with you because I love you, Kerry. I am madly in love with you and I'm sorry that I was a shit girlfriend the last couple of weeks because I didn't even realise I hadn't told you I love you more. I was so caught up in not sucking and making you proud so I could have a nice story to tell you and you'd be excited for me and not sad because I missed you the entire day"

"So you just... Told all those stories to make me happy?" I ask her, to make a bit more sense out of all of this.

"Yes... I didn't want to cry over the phone cause that would make you feel even worse. And I'm sorry I haven't expressed my love for you lately. I guess it's just so obvious for me that I forgot that you don't know that" Lynn adds, her eyes scanning my face and eventually staying put on my eyes.

"You're not sick of me? And don't want to break up with me?" I barely believe my own words, I was so certain she was gonna break up with me. She didn't want to talk to me anymore.

"You think I'd let you go that easily? As long as you're still okay with me then I'm not letting you go, especially since you came all the way here" She finally reaches forward and pulls at my hand and I'm automatically swung in her arms.

"I was gonna surprise you but then all this happened and I didn't want to cancel and ignore all this" I mutter against her neck. A tear of relief still leaving my eye.

"I'm really happy you're here, my love" Lynn whispers, her breath blowing through my hair as her chin is rested on top of my head.

"I love you so much, Lyndsey" Another soft sob escapes my mouth. She holds me close to her as we're sat there on the ground in the dark like a bunch of idiots.

"I'm so in love with you" Lynn tells me as she lifts my head to face her, looking me in my eyes. I reach my sweater paw up to the side of her neck and pull her forward to kiss her hard. The feeling of her lips on mine brings me back to a good place. Suddenly we're back on my bedroom floor, making out as a movie is playing in the background.

I pull away slowly, my lips barely parting from hers. I feel her breath lingering on my lips. Her arms strongly around me as I cling onto her.

"Let's go inside the bus" Lynn mutters as she presses a quick kiss to my temple and helps me stand up with her. As we're now standing up, facing each other, I reach my hands up to her neck and pull her into me again and press my lips on her again. My lips moving slowly against Lynn's, her hands holding me close to her by my waist. Everything feels so good right now even though we probably need to have an emotionally stable talk about this later.

We move into the bus, passing Brian and Alex on the way and I hug Alex quickly before moving over to Brian and hugging him tightly.

"Hey monkey" Brian whispers, he hasn't called me that in years so I know he has seen me break down. Hell, who didn't see it.

"Hi B" I whisper and clinging onto him.

"You okay? I missed you"

"I'm okay, I missed you too. It's very lonely at home without you around" I smile softly as I pull away from him. Lynn's hand entwines with mine and pulls me towards the back where their bunks are.

We both crawl in and she turns so we're lying face to face, her hand reaching up to lift my head so I'm looking right into her eyes. My eyes trail down her face, from the way her hair falls down, to her eyes, her incredibly cute nose, her gorgeous lips and back to her eyes.

"I'm so sorry for acting like a fucking lunatic" I sigh and I grab Lynn's wrist that's underneath my head.

"Don't apologise. I needed you to tell me this because I have been acting differently and not showing you enough how much I love you" Lynn answers, quickly leaning forward and kissing my nose.

"I get it though, you're busy and having such a great time on here with all these cool peop-" She interrupts me before I can finish

"That doesn't justify me not making time for you and actually talking to you and see how you're doing, I promised you I'd call every free time I had and I didn't do that. I broke a promise so of course you're going to be pissed off about it" She says and her voice gets a little louder as she gets worked up, so I rub my thumb up and down her wrist.

"I wasn't pissed off honestly... I was scared? Scared that you were going to break up with me as soon as you had to chance to say it to my face. That you were going to leave me for Taylor..." I mutter silently towards the end and she frowns so deeply I didn't know her face could do that and I almost want to let out a giggle.

"For Taylor? Oh god are you serious? You were scared that... and I literally rubbed it in your face every time that we hung out and I had such a good time! I'm such a fucking idiot" Lynn swears and closes her eyes. She does this when she's mad at herself, she shuts everyone else out of the world. My hand lifts to the side of her face and I caress my thumb along her cheek.

"You didn't know. I just should've told you. As long as you don't have feelings for her I'm reassured" I smile softly as she opens her eyes to me again.

"I don't! I don't have feelings for her, god. I love you so much and I don't want anyone else, I really hope you know that. Can we just be more honest about everything from now on? I don't ever want to go through this again." Lynn asks and I nod. It's going to be hard for me to be honest about my feelings but I never want to feel that way again.

"I love you so much, Lynn"

"I'm doing this to make you proud, you're my inspiration and my muse, I am madly in love with you, baby girl" She answers, pulling me closer to her so my head is resting on her chest and our limbs are entwined.

[multifandomsish]

Late Nights

Summary: After having to spend countless late nights in the office with a coworker, James begins questioning what’s going on between the two of you. (John is your coworker.)

Word Count: 2,205

Pairings: James Barnes x f!reader, mentions of Steve Rogers

Warnings: none

A/N: hey! so i’m a terrible person and write in the perspective of a female reader so if you’d like to you can specify you’d like female or male reader! i’ll do both! if this isn’t what you wanted anon, i’m so sorry. (also another unnecessarily long one. this is i suppose a normal au where everything with hydra never happened, no one turned into super soldiers. just normal ole bucky and steve)

-

“I’m sorry, babe. I have to stay late again, there’s a ton of stuff John and I have to finish for tomorrow.”

The words ring through James’ ears, his head dropping forward to avoid looking at the candles and plates of food he’d laid out for dinner. He doesn’t say anything but gives a noise of frustration so you know he heard you before hanging up.

This was the third time this week and it was only Wednesday. The act of staying late at work had come up before this but you always told him you were finishing papers alone instead of with another man. It was now becoming a regular and the fact you worked a seven to eight job and were now staying as late as midnight, he never got to see you.

James tried so hard to not be the typical overbearing fiancé that many believed him to be simply so you didn’t feel trapped. Of course he got protective at times but he managed to maintain a steady view on how you decided to live. The change in your lifestyle was taking a drastic toll on him emotionally and mentally and he couldn’t remain calm about this.

He’d gone to Steve many times, nearly crying and voicing his fear of you falling for another man. It was an honest thing he dreaded to find out and with you spending so much time with another guy, he knew he could slowly be losing you.

Steve told his friend each and every time that you’re loyal, you’re his best girl and there was no one who could change that. James’ insecurities got the best of him and the repeated reassurances were becoming nothing but wasted air.

-

You looked to your phone with furrowed brows, the abrupt ending making you feel a little uneasy but you brush it off when John is coming back with a cup of water for you. This was out of character for your future husband and it worried you.

The worry was evident on your face as John settled across from you, giving you a gentle nudge. “Everything alright?” He asks softly and you look to him with a heavy sigh.

“I don’t think I’ll be able to stay late tonight, I’m so sorry. It’s just- I’m worried about James and I have a feeling things aren’t okay.” You tell your coworker truthfully. It couldn’t even cross your mind that James could be thinking you were cheating, you knew John was happily married with a beautiful child and another on the way.

John gives a soft chuckle and a shake of his head, beginning to sort out your papers from his. “Don’t apologize, Y/N, I understand. Family is more important than work and you should check on him.” He tells you honestly and the guilt of leaving him there to work alone leaves your chest. You carefully slide your papers into the laptop case you carry around, giving John another soft ‘thank you’ before leaving the office in a hurry.

-

“She’s working late again, isn’t she?”

“..Uh huh.”

“Buck, you know she loves you and she’s never going to leave, right? She’s a loyal girl, the best one to ever grace your life. You won’t lose her to some guy at work.”

“But what if he has things I don’t? Like emotional stability? She can’t work late without me overreacting and thinking something’s going on. I shouldn’t be thinking of her like that. She’s better than that.”

“You’re emotionally stable because of her, James. And you’re only thinking like this because of the self hatred you have buried so deeply. If you’d let those problems uproot themselves then you’d get over them and be okay.”

“I can’t let that happen. It’ll ruin me and my relationship with her. You know that.”

“There are things you have to do for your own sake. And hers.”

-

When you come into the front door, your keys jingling as you wiggle the house key from the lock, you see most of the lights are off, the kitchen cleaned spotless and no sight of James. Shutting the door behind yourself and making sure you lock it back, you make your way into the kitchen, assuming he’s either showering or already in bed.

You run a hand through your hair, settling your case on the kitchen counter, tossing your keys down before making your way down the hall to your shared bedroom.

“James?” You call softly, hearing the shower shut off just as you step into the bedroom and he emerges from the bathroom seconds later, a towel wrapped around his waist.

It’s a breathtaking sight, the water droplets that fall down James’ muscled chest and stomach catching your eye before you look back up to his face quickly. His brows are furrowed together, watching you confusedly as you toe off your heels.

“What are you doing home?” His voice is soft, like most times he talked with you, and you smile. “I told John I was coming home. Figured I’d rather be home than at work.” It’s not an exact lie, you’re just not telling him everything.

Every time you voiced your worry about him, he locked up, shut down on you and promised there was no reason for you to be so worrisome over him. He insisted he was man enough to take care of himself but Steve thought otherwise and Steve voiced his opinions to you.

You’re thankful James has someone like Steve, someone to go to and talk to when he couldn’t confide in you even if the thought of your fiancé not being able to open up to you is terrifying. You’re also thankful that Steve has half the mind to come to you, to fill you in one some of the small things. Steve would also tell you he’ll only tell you what he thinks you should hear simply so he didn’t lose James’ trust in him. And for that you’re ever grateful for Steve.

The confused look doesn’t leave James’ face, his grip noticeably tightening on the towel around his waist. “You’re sure you didn’t want to stay and work with him?” The words come out harsher than James intended for them to, a bite behind them and you’re taken aback.

There had only been two fights before this and they were quickly resolved but the look James is giving you has you wondering if this is fixable.

“I’m sure, babe. I’m home, aren’t I? What’s wrong, James?” You ask, stepping to him though he holds up a hand for you to stop and you do.

“You couldn’t have fucking decided that when you called me to say you’re staying after? You couldn’t have decided that before I threw away the extravagant dinner I put together for us?” He snaps, water dripping from his hair and down onto his shoulders as he moves back.

He really doesn’t mean to get so defensive so quickly but you seem very nervous, skeptical almost and he doesn’t like it at all. His mind is running a thousand thoughts a mile, wondering if you only came home because you were scared he was catching onto your affair.

The thought strikes him like a brick and he has to step back from you, chest rising and falling heavily with the deep breaths. His eyes are blown wide, pupils dilated as he glances over your body.

“I-I didn’t know. You didn’t say anything about dinner.” You speak up meekly. The fear coursing through your veins is becoming more evident by each flicker of his gaze over you. This was new.

He gives a scoff and nods his head, free hand coming up to rub over the slight stubble on his jaw. He didn’t shave it often after you’d told him you liked how he looked with it.

“Whatever, Y/N. Just forget it.” He breathes, moving passed you and grabbing a pair of boxer briefs, quickly pulling them on under the towel before letting it drop to the ground. He slips on a pair of sweats as well, his pillow being the next thing he grabs.

Your eyes widen, quickly following after him as he heads down the hallway for the living room.

“James, James! What are-” You’re cut off by him turning around, the grip on his pillow tight enough his knuckles are white.

“I can’t lay beside a cheater! I can’t lay beside you knowing you’re seeing, being touched by another man! I can’t do it!” He’d never meant to let those words leave his lips but the adrenaline and anger is bubbling so high in his chest and throat that he can’t stop himself. “It makes me sick inside! While I’m here waiting at home for you like a good little fiancé and you’re out there getting fucked by some other man! I’m done!” He shouts, his face going red, the vein in his neck prominent along with one in his temple.

You’re completely taken aback, stopping in your tracks before you can get to him. You notice the glimmer of tears in his eyes, his entire body nearly trembling and you know he’s been overthinking things again.

It’d happened once before, he let his insecurities and fears get the best of him and he took it out on you. He accused you of cheating, he even thought you’d sleep with Steve and you tried to reassure him each and everyday that he was the one you loved. You’d apparently failed with the amount of work you had piled on here lately.

Your lips part and you let out a little noise, shaking your head, holding back your own because you know the situation will just escalate.

“James Buchanan Barnes, I would never cheat on you.” You whisper, your own voice shaking and trying to keep your composure. All you want to do is crumble down onto your knees and cry. “I would never cheat on you and you should know that. I’ve told you time and time again that you’re the one I’m in love with. I’ve devoted my entire life to you. I’ve given you everything that I can. For Christ’s sake, you were the first man I’d ever laid with, my first kiss, the one who took my virginity. I said yes to spending the rest of my life by your side; why would I throw that away?”

Your words seem to strike something in him, his angry resolve dissolving almost immediately and his shoulders slump down. He leans against the wall, sliding down it until he’s sitting and using the heel of his palms to rub at his eyes roughly, tears smearing along the way.

His shoulders begin to shake and you hear the familiar sniffle and hiccup of crying coming from him. Your chest tightens and you immediately step forward, crouching down to his level, hands resting gently on his knees.

“James,” you whisper, settling down onto the floor completely in front of him, your arms opening as an invitation. The moment he catches a glimpse of you, he moves forward, arms circling around your waist and burying into your neck with a sob that shakes his body.

“It’s alright, I’ve got you, baby. I’ve got you.” You whisper into his ear, arms wrapping around him and one hand rubbing circles over his back, the other smoothing his drying hair down and kissing at his exposed skin.

The sobs continue for several moments, racking his body and leaving your chest aching at his hurt until the sobs are hiccups and then sniffles. Even once he’s settled down, he keeps his arms tightly wrapped around your waist and face nuzzles into your neck. He settles down so much so you’re worried he’s fallen asleep there in the hallway and you know you’ll never be able to carry him.

But he’s moving a little to wipe at his cheeks completely, one hand still on you to make sure you don’t leave. You don’t, watching him and cupping his cheeks after a moment, pressing a kiss to his lips.

“I love you with every fiber in my body, James Barnes. There is no one who will ever compare to you.” You whisper to him, his forehead gently knocking against yours as he nods and his nose nudges yours gently.

“I love you too, future Mrs. Barnes.” He whispers to you and you smile, brushing his hair back from his face. “I’m so sorry I overreact. My thoughts just get the best of me and I can’t stop them and then it’s too late and I’ve already blown up.” He murmurs, tears stinging at his eyes again, quickly trying to blink them away.

You shake your head, taking one of his hands in yours and intertwining your fingers. “Just talk to me next time, tell me what’s going on. I need to know these things.” You tell him, another nod being his response before you push yourself up and hold a hand out to him.

He takes the extended hand, letting you help him up before grabbing his pillow and guiding him back to your shared room.

“How’s a nice cuddle and a movie sound?”

“Sounds fantastic, doll.”

[deadcactuswalking]

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 26th May 2019 (Tyler the Creator, Halsey, DJ Khaled)

Top 10

“I Don’t Care” by Ed Sheeran featuring Justin Bieber sits at the top spot for a second week, and it seems pretty stable, even if the song itself is pretty lazy.

Lil Nas X’s “Old Town Road” featuring Billy Ray Cyrus is also steady at the runner-up spot.

At number-three, Lewis Capaldi trumps Stormzy up one space with “Someone You Loved” thanks to the release of Capaldi’s probably dreadful album.

This of course means “Vossi Bop” by Stormzy has flailed down one spot to number-four.

“Hold Me While You Wait” by Lewis Capaldi gets a short album release boost up three positions to number-five.

Billie Eilish’s “bad guy” is still at number-six since last week.

MEDUZA’s “Piece of Your Heart” with Goodboys suffers thanks to Capaldi, down two spaces to number-seven.

As does the late Avicii’s posthumous release “SOS” featuring Aloe Blacc, down a spot to number-eight.

Also thanks to Lewis Capaldi’s album release, we have number-nine, which is up 19 spaces from last week after squandering in the top 40 for a while. It’s “Grace” by Lewis Capaldi, peaking this week and becoming his third top 10 hit in the UK. Great. I’m not all that upset though because this means we won’t be seeing any new Capaldi this week, since all three singles were the most popular songs and UK chart rules prevent any other songs from appearing on the chart if they’re not the big three.

Also entering the top 10 for the first time is the mediocre house track “All Day and Night” by Jax Jones and Martin Solveig – presenting EUROPA – featuring Madison Beer, up oe space to #10, becoming both EUROPA as a group act and Beer’s first ever Top 10, as well as Jax Jones’ fifth and Solveig’s second, his first since 2015.

Climbers

There’s not much at all here to talk about, neither will there be many fallers, however there are a handful. First of all, we have an unexpected and unwelcome rebound for “Giant” by Calvin Harris and Rag ‘n’ Bone Man up five spaces to #24. Also, thanks to some more exposure that was inspired by a Hardy Caprio cosign on “Guten Tag” (that also just entered the Top 20 this week, which is pretty epic), Digga D’s “No Diet” is up eight spots to #25. “Late Night Feelings” by Mark Ronson featuring Lykke Li is also up six positions to #33 off of the debut.

Fallers

Going in reverse order, at #38, we have “Homicide” by Logic featuring Eminem absolutely collapsing down 12 spaces to #38. Oof. Speaking of collapses thanks to a lack of streaming after its first two weeks, “Greaze Mode” by Skepta featuring Nafe Smallz couldn’t even have that second week down 13 to #35, but it’ll rebound due to the album release in a few weeks’ time. “Just You and I” by Tom Walker might have had a streaming cut down 15 spaces to #29, but I think a lot of that is genuinely wavering popularity.

Dropouts & Returning Entries

Out of the top 75 completely is “i’m so tired...” by LAUV and Troye Sivan from #37, mostly due to streaming cuts and dumb UK chart rules, which have also affected “Don’t Feel Like Crying” by Sigrid out from #30. Otherwise, “Falling like the Stars” by James Arthur thankfully falters after people realised the song is absolute trite without the video, and it’s out from #34 off of the debut. Sadly, “Boasty” by Wiley featuring Sean Paul, Stefflon Don and Idris Elba has also had streaming cuts and is out from #17, because it’s a hip-hop song, and they are effectively streaming-exclusive. Also out are two not premature losses, in fact, these are very expected, as they’ve been in the last half of the top 40 for a while, and today was a big week, so, I feel like we can safely say “Good riddance” to “Don’t Call Me Up” by Mabel out from #36, and “Swervin” by A Boogie wit da Hoodie featuring 6ix9ine out from #40; Mabel might rebound though. There are no returning entries this week.

NEW ARRIVALS

#39 – “3 Nights” – Dominic Fike

Produced by Capi – Peaked at #3 in Australia

Now for the first time in a while, maybe since MEDUZA, I’m intrigued by this new artist’s debut on the charts, but I’ve seen his name buzzing up for a while... he only has six songs yet thanks to this massive worldwide smash, has 10 million monthly listeners, yet he’s completely passed me by. His Spotify bio is a yellow heart emoji, which is the worst heart emoji. I’m disgusted. Of course, I’m kidding, but I have heard him pop up on Kevin Abstract’s recent solo record ARIZONA BABY and he’s been an indie pop star for a while now, I imagine, I just haven’t cared enough to check his EP out, I suppose. Nevertheless, this is his first ever Top 40 hit in the UK, and I love it. It starts pretty abruptly with a bouncy clap beat and some stringy guitar that you can hear in a lot of vaguely indie pop nowadays, except unlike a LAUV, Dominic Fike has a soulful albeit somewhat reminiscent of pop-punk voice that backs up the acoustics (which may be a bit too much in the front of the mix than I’d like), as the bassline’s fun, energetic groove just kicks and kicks, Fike keeps going on with a fine-tuned, double-tracked vocal performance until he breaks down on the second verse, where he starts yell-rapping and I honestly start to think there was an uncredited Trippie Redd guest verse that made this blow up. Like I said, though, Fike is much more refined than a Trippie Redd, who just kind of belts relentlessly without any care for how it works musically. The falsetto backing vocals are cute, and the plucking guitar becomes a real driving force for the rhythm, especially when the first verse is mostly bare. Whilst most artists in this lane of indie-pop/singer-songwriter guy who’s actually pretty manufactured and generic would let the instrumental breathe in an airy, cloudy mess of synth, Fike is all over it, not letting the instrumental get a second of breathing room before he explodes on the track. The content matter is interesting, as well, as it paints imagery of street lights that have been such a familiar sight for Fike over the months of having a relationship, those three nights representing three stages, from not caring to being absolutely smitten in love, before they just drift apart and there’s nothing to do about it, and Fike is frustrated that he can’t repair this shattered relationship. Oh, yeah, and:

And she sent me naked pictures from her neck down to her waist

I feel this downplays the romance and emotion here a bit, though. I’ve personally always found it more compelling when it’s the man admitting he sent naked pictures, as that’s more rough and emotionally revealing than the inverse.

She found pictures in her e-mail / I sent this bitch a picture of my d*** - Kanye West, “Runaway”

I still absolutely love this song though. I’d say check it out, but everyone has. I’m late to the party.

#37 – “Jealous” – DJ Khaled featuring Chris Brown, Lil Wayne and Big Sean

Produced by Tay Keith and Nova Wav – Peaked at #57 in the US

I feel I’ve gotten the wrong end of the stick here with these album cuts. With Tyler, the Creator instead of the fun introduction “IGOR’S THEME”, which is at #41, I get the much worse “I THINK” at #30. With DJ Khaled, instead of the beautiful Nipsey Hussle tribute “Higher” with John Legend at #43, I get Chris Brown. Thanks, I hate it. I don’t have to do any research, you know who these guys are, and I’m sure you don’t care, I’ll get through this quickly after turning on Private Session because my last.fm having Chris Brown scrobbles is a nightmare. Might as well list the insane amount of Top 40 hits these dudes have, DJ Khaled surprisingly having the least with five, with who I expected to have the least, Big Sean, racking up... also five, mostly because those sell-out features really pay off, Lil Wayne on the other hand having twenty-freaking-four, and Chris Brown trumping them all with about 38. What a delightful thought that is. Uh, so what’s happening here? DJ Khaled is pointless once again, as I doubt he had any element of involvement in this Tay Keith beat, who doesn’t even get to have his full producer tag play in the intro, which is insanely cluttered. His dated synth patterns and tones are still there with the rattling hi-hats, though, and there’s way too many Chris Brown on this song, because he sounds muddy and awful, with Auto-Tune that’d make a metalhead want to shoot a frog’s brains out. I like Lil Wayne’s verse, mostly because he actually has some well-constructed bars, but he drowns out into the chaotic pre-chorus and DJ Khaled ad-libs... and his flow is lacklustre, cut short by Chris Brown. Big Sean is fun and discusses Jhené Aiko, whilst interpolating the “In My Feelings” flow of all flows, but he also is cut short by Chris Brown. Please listen to CHVRCHES and stop collaborating with this pathetic abusive excuse for a human being. Seriously, why so much of that Chris Brown hook? Honestly, Big Sean can barely get a “Straight up” ad-lib in there. I hate this, actually, that hook has a falsetto Lil Wayne harmonising for some reason, and the bridge is multi-tracked with awful, low-fidelity chipmunk vocals, and yeah, this is awful, why did I consider this passable? I never want to hear this again, the instrumental’s so cluttered and over-polished so you can barely hear the vocalists except Chris Brown who is all over the place. DJ Khaled sounds like Quavo sometimes here, what is happening? I’m confused, who has played themselves? Why is Khaled just shouting over the outro? He’s supposed to only do this on the video skits, what the—

#36 – “Summer Days” – Martin Garrix, Macklemore and Patrick Stump of Fall Out Boy

Produced by Martin Garrix – Peaked at #4 in Belgium

And the Cactus Award for What the Ever-loving Frick Did I Just Read? goes to... Martin Garrix, Patrick Stump and Macklemore on the same song. This is the whitest thing I think has ever been produced and released, but besides that, we should be questioning why these guys thought it was okay to collaborate, and that this was going to go unnoticed. Should I care? Isn’t this just a pop singer-rapper collaboration and the connection to Fall Out Boy is what’s making me overreact? I mean, Fall Out Boy is a shill now too, especially with that disgusting Lil Peep collaboration. It’s weird to see Macklemore out of his natural habitat of being only barely existent but good to know he’s hopped out of his shell to collaborate with some EDM doofus and I’m sure who was his favourite emo singer as a teen. This is Garrix’s tenth UK Top 40 hit, Macklemore’s eighth and third without Ryan Lewis and Patrick Stump’s fourth as a solo act, his first since 2007. Is it good? Well, no. It isn’t, really. Patrick Stump essentially whispers through the first verse, but his oddly nasal tone at least in the first verse doesn’t fit EDM production, and he’s yet to realise this, as while he’s more soulful and bassy afterwards, he immediately goes to a falsetto... and it gets better. A lot better – in fact, the distant acoustic guitar strumming (that may be too front in the mix once again for my liking) and cute fake finger-snaps make a pretty good foundation for a beat that both Stump and Macklemore perform pretty well on, especially since that rough electric guitar comes in for Macklemore to spit about his fascination and close bond with this woman but who cares, that drop is epic. That drop is insanely good, and the electric guitar build-up within Macklemore’s verse is subtle but excellent. This is actually more of a rock song than EDM, when I think about it, and the drop perfectly crafts the acoustic guitar strumming and cloudy synths with the guitar line, chopping up Stump’s vocals and leaving him recognisable, whilst still sounding warm and summery, mostly because of how slick the guitar is and the finger-snaps do allow for some kind of bounce and groove. The touches of strings in the second build-up is a nice additional touch, and I love when Stump cracks out of his falsetto briefly to signify that the drop is coming, and it is crashing hard. A better music critic would call this a trainwreck, a disaster on all fronts, but I like it for what it is. God, I’m so dumb.

#30 – “I THINK” – Tyler, the Creator featuring uncredited vocals from Solange

Produced by Tyler, the Creator – Peaked at #51 in the US

I knew Tyler’s hype was growing immensely but I didn’t expect an album bomb from Tyler on the Hot 100, and this sudden boost of popularity seems to come out of nowhere, especially since the last time he was this big he was having threesomes with a triceratops and stabbing Bruno Mars in his goddamn oesophagus. Nevertheless, Tyler’s back in the UK as Theresa May leaves, as are his songs, as he has a second but we won’t be talking about it for reasons explained later. This is “I THINK” from his most recent effort IGOR and while I’ve been a pretty long-term and semi-diehard Tyler, the Creator fan for a while, I’d argue IGOR may be one of his worst efforts yet, not because it’s bad but I’m incredibly indifferent on a lot of the songs, mostly because of a lack of substance from both the lyrics and the aimless instrumentals. This in particular is one of my least favourite songs, next to “GONE, GONE / THANK YOU” and “RUNNING OUT OF TIME” as pretty boring, dull listens, however it does differentiate itself from songs like that by being largely a hip house track, which is a genre you don’t see on charts anymore. This is Tyler’s first ever Top 40 hit in the UK and Solange’s second as a solo act as well, her first since 2008, and I don’t feel it that much as other tracks from the album. The groove is there, and the tribal house beat is fun, but Tyler’s Kanye-like droning delivery, with a bassline ripped from “Stronger” and fancy synths that cover Tyler’s nonexistent upper register that pitch-shifting can’t really fix or mask. Solange sounds beautiful here as well, but she’s relatively underused I feel, only having a chorus and refrain, but she’s very oddly mixed, as she’s much louder than Tyler for the most part, despite being a guest on the album, as the others are mostly quieter than Tyler due to the personal aspects of the album and how it wants to focus on Tyler, meaning it’s kind of inconsistent. The wonky 80s synths in the back-end of the track are very typical of Tyler and do add to the track in making it pretty fun, but it does get a bit too messy and cluttered in the final chorus, which is insanely catchy, may I add, and I do love the piano that ends the track, but overall, this feels very half-hearted. The aimless nature of the song is intentional, I’m sure, as it’s all about feeling that first spark of love and having no idea what’s going to come of it, but the pacing is dodgy here as it comes right after deeply saddened break-up song “EARFQUAKE”. Maybe I’m missing the point, but I’m not a fan of this one. Sorry.

#26 – “Nightmare” – Halsey

Produced by benny blanco, Cashmere Cat and Happy Perez – Peaked at #15 in the US and... #7 in Slovakia. Huh.

And now to ruin any potential credit given to me as a music critic, reviewer and enthusiast, especially right after that Tyler, the Creator review. Now, there’s a lot to hate about Halsey’s seventh UK Top 40 hit, trust me, I know that. The pointless prayer at the beginning that doesn’t add anything to the song or its content and is completely irrelevant, the abrupt drop into the belting chorus, the Billie Eilish rip-off in the first verse with the minimal, multi-tracked sing-rapping over a trap beat that she can’t flow over at all, especially in the second verse where she is sloppy as hell, the janky pre-chorus and the chorus as a whole being kind of pathetic and really short, the line “I’m no sweet dream, but a hell of a night” not working within the context of the song. However, let me give you this as a rebuttal. Those floaty, gliding guitars in the intro are absolutely beautiful and the prayer, whilst probably making more sense when the album comes out, is about giving the Lord her soul, essentially having to give men their all and get nothing back, which is implied by how it drops immediately to the rock-infused chorus, which attempts at being empowering at least but it is catchy as hell, especially with Halsey’s memorably raspy delivery. The sing-rapping works on the first verse, and is mostly about self-harm, actually, which is influenced by how men have lied to her, but it goes on a bit of a tangent that isn’t relevant to how the song is about empowering women, and that women don’t have to always smile for the camera, as mentioned in the pre-chorus. The main lyric as mentioned before makes sense now because like in the second verse, the media and/or G-Eazy is being dominant over her and she won’t stand for it, she won’t be patronised and the last line in the second verse exemplifies that with a line I really like:

I’m tired and angry, but somebody should be

Somebody SHOULD always be speaking out about society’s BS, and—wait, how the hell does this makes sense if it’s also about G-Eazy and/or break-ups in general? With this and “Bad at Love”, I’m actually really confused about Halsey’s songwriting. That song also had an obnoxious hook, huh. Hell, “Without Me” had all these problems as well... as did “Closer”, actually, and that’s not even her song. I stick by this being pretty okay though, especially by Halsey standards, even if it feels very mish-mash, and the distorted electric guitar being back in the mix does dampen the effectiveness of the chorus, which is still anthemic – or at least tries to be. Oh, yeah, and Halsey’s really attra—

#17 – “EARFQUAKE” – Tyler, the Creator featuring uncredited vocals from Playboi Carti, Charlie Wilson and Jessy Wilson

Produced by Tyler, the Creator – Peaked at #13 in the US

I love this song to death, it’s by far my favourite off of IGOR. As you can see by its US peak, however, this will probably be eligible for my best list by the end of the year and I’m planning in advance, it’s probably going to be very high on that list. I know this means I only give Tyler a negative write-up this episode, which saddens me too, but don’t worry, I’ll make up for it when December/January rolls around and it’s time for list season. This is Tyler’s second UK Top 40 hit, Carti’s first ever charting song in the UK (It surprised me too), as well as Jessy Wilson’s, and Charlie Wilson has a few but his discography page is messy as hell so I won’t try and count them, they’re all uncredited as well so that makes it harder. Imagine having more than three UK Top 40 hits as a solo act and you don’t get credit for any of them. Anyway, even though I can’t cover it...

Conclusion

Tyler, the Creator gets Best of the Week for “EARFQUAKE”, no contest. In fact, I’m hesitant to give “3 Nights” by Dominic Fike the Honourable Mention, just because “EARFQUAKE” is THAT good. Dishonourable Mention goes to Tyler, the Creator as well (Unfortunately), for the pretty dull “I THINK”, whilst Worst of the Week goes to DJ Khaled, Lil Wayne, Big Sean and Bowser Jr. for “Jealous”, what a trainwreck. Follow me on Twitter @cactusinthebank for more musical ramblings and Jonas Brothers content because that’s the Tweet they decided to push, and I’ll see you next week!

[lady-divine-writes]

Kurtbastian one-shot - “The Talk” (Rated PG13)

After watching Kurt and Sebastian say goodbye "for now", Elizabeth figures out what's going on between the two of them, and decides it's time for a little talk with her son. (2302 words)

I decided to have a little fun with the idea, "What would have happened if Kurt got the 'sex talk' from his mother instead of his dad?" :) I hope you like Elizabeth Hummel as much as I do. Let me know <3

Part 14 of Outside Edge

Read on AO3.

“Hey, Sebastian! I didn’t know we’d be seeing you tonight!”

Sebastian opens his eyes when he hears Kurt’s mother say his name. He’d been standing against the doorway with Kurt in his arms, running his fingers through Kurt’s hair and enjoying his boyfriend’s warmth blending with his own in the chill climate of the rink, the scent of jasmine and orange in Kurt’s hair overwhelming the smell of chlorine and refrigerant in the air. Sebastian had had every intention of bowing out quietly before Kurt’s mother finished her laps, but he’d drifted away into thoughts of the countless times they’ve stood here before watching their friends perform, watching their teammates play, watching new students learn to take their first glides on the ice.

He hadn’t noticed how much time had gone by.

But as Kurt’s cell phone alarm goes off in his pocket, Sebastian becomes aware of their surroundings. It has to be after eight by now, and Kurt’s mom is skating towards them with a huge smile on her face to say hello.

“Hey, Mrs. H,” Sebastian says, extending an arm for a hug. “I was just passing by and I saw Kurt’s Navigator. I didn’t mean to intrude.”

“Nonsense,” Elizabeth says, sneaking an arm around Sebastian’s back to snag a longer hug. “You’re family. You’re welcome to drop in any time.”

“Thanks. You were lookin’ good out there.”

“Don’t I?” She glides back a step and performs a small scratch spin, pulling her ponytail out of its tie so that her chestnut hair – the same shade as Kurt’s – spills to her shoulders. “Pretty good for an old lady, huh?”

“I’d say you’re doin’ pretty good for Connor Murphy.”

“You’re sweet,” she says, pinching Sebastian’s cheek.

“Unfortunately, that alarm means I need to get my mom home,” Kurt says, fishing his phone out of his pocket and switching off the musical trilling.

“Aw,” his mom pouts. “Party pooper. I was just getting warmed up.” She swivels backward and her knees wobble, attesting to the opposite.

“Be that as it may,” Kurt says, choosing not to mention it as part of his argument, “it’s getting late, and I know Mike’ll want to lock up soon.”

“I guess we should let the poor man go home to see his wife and kids.”

“Yes, we should.”

Sebastian smiles at their back and forth joking. So often it seems like Kurt’s the parent and his mom the teenager. It’s such a lighthearted and comfortable relationship. They have a closeness that’s unique to them, a special connection that Sebastian has never seen between a mother and son. He doesn’t know if it has anything to do with Kurt’s mother being sick, the amount of time they spend together, or the fact that they have skating in common, but Sebastian envies it so much.

Sebastian’s parents aren’t bad people. They’re not even bad parents. They’re just emotionally unavailable. They’d tell anyone who’d listen that they got to where they are in life through hard work and sacrifice, and they feel like everyone else should, too (even if that does discount a crap ton of luck, privilege, connections, and a sizable trust fund on both sides). The problem is that they chose to have a family when they enjoyed being childless more. They make time for work and they make time for each other, but there never seems to be enough time left over for Sebastian.

Sebastian always had the love and attention of his uncle Chris, and he was grateful for that, but it wasn’t exactly the same.

Kurt’s parents have done so much to make Sebastian feel like a part of their family, especially Kurt’s mom – Friday dinners, movie nights, Sunday afternoon picnics. And more and more, Sebastian is beginning to understand just how devastating it would be for Kurt to lose her.

“I’ll see you later, Kurt?” Sebastian asks, secretly confirming that Kurt is still sure about his decision - that he wants tonight to be their first night together.

“Give me an hour?”

Sebastian smiles, overjoyed but doing his best not to let it show in front of Kurt’s mom. But he can’t help himself, taking Kurt’s hand and kissing it. “Will do. See you in an hour.”

“I’ll text you before I come by.”

Sebastian nods. “Bye, Mrs. H.”

“Bye, Sebastian. Drive safe.”

“I will.”

“Come on, Mom.” Kurt takes his mother by the arms and helps her off the ice. “Let’s get those skates off.”

Elizabeth watches Sebastian leave while Kurt leads her to a nearby bench. Sitting down, she gets a clear view of the hallway through the glass on the doors. She sees Sebastian perform an off-ice double axel, finishing with a bounce and a silent cheer before he hurries out the door.

Kurt, busy undoing the knot in her laces, doesn’t see, but he’s biting his lower lip, trying to keep an equally excited grin from crossing his face.

She smiles to herself. Ah, youth …

“So, you guys hanging out tonight?”

“Yeah,” Kurt says dreamily, then catches himself. “Uh … well, for a while. I’ll be back, but it’ll be late.”

“Really? You’re coming back tonight?”

“Yeah. Why wouldn’t I?”

“I’d think you’d want to spend the night at Sebastian’s house, wouldn’t you? I mean, all things considered. It’s going to be a special night, isn’t it?”

Kurt’s fingers fumble with the laces. He looks up at his mother staring fondly back at him. “H-how did you …? D-did you hear us talking?”

“No,” she says. “But I know that look on your face. It’s a very significant look.”

“And what look is that?”

“Decisive. Determined. Anxious. Excited.”

“But how do you know we haven’t … you know … done it before?” Kurt asks, returning to his mom’s laces and undoing the knot. He’s curious, but not entirely comfortable focusing 100% on this conversation. He’s talking about sex with his mother, for Christ’s sake! He needs to do something with his hands so he doesn’t stick his fingers in his ears and start singing “na-na-na-na-na”.

“Kurt” – She takes over the task of loosening her laces so that Kurt can start on the knot on her other boot. “I’m not blind and I’m not stupid. I’ve seen you go on date after date with him, then watched both you boys perform a perfect routine the following day. At least one of you wouldn’t be walking straight if you had, so I can’t imagine what your guys’ skating would look like.”

“Mom!” he says, mortified, but also wondering if he should grace his boyfriend with this information. It might be interesting to see the shades of red Sebastian would turn if he did.

“I’m just saying” - She giggles - “but you’re also taking for granted how much I know you.” Elizabeth swallows hard, holding on to the strength in her voice with both hands. “I know that with everything going on in your life, the trouble you were having at school, the time you were putting in at the rink, the challenges you were facing with the team … you weren’t ready.”

Kurt exchanges one of her sneakers for a skate and starts putting a soaker on the blade. “Are you upset at me?” he asks quietly.

Elizabeth gives her son a sidelong look. “Why would I be upset at you, honey?”

He shrugs. “I don’t know. I thought ... maybe … you might be disappointed if you knew.”

“Kurt, why would I be disappointed? Sex isn’t a bad thing.” She puts a hand on his shoulder, rubbing tight muscles. “There’s nothing wrong with you wanting to have sex with your boyfriend. You’re a responsible, intelligent, mature young man in a committed relationship with a wonderful someone who loves you. Everyone should be so lucky. I’m happy for you.”

“Really?”

“Really.” She scoots in close and leans against his side. Even after all this time recovering, building up her strength and putting on weight, she still feels light as a feather against him. “But this is a big step. So before you do this, is there anything you need from me?”

Kurt looks at the skate in his hand and sighs. He wishes he could borrow a moment to throw on his skates and practice his newest routine. Everything’s so much easier on the ice. When he’s struggling with a move or ironing out a jump, his other problems seem smaller, farther away. On the ice, skating is all that matters – balance, artistry, footwork, control. Everything else has to figure itself out on its own without him.

Of course he learned a long time ago that that’s not actually the way it works. His problems just wait for him to take his skates off again.

“Maybe some advice?” he says.

“Sure, kiddo. What kind of advice are you looking for?”

“I don’t know. I guess what I want to know is – do you think we’re going too fast?”

“Sweetie,” she says, suppressing a kneejerk reaction which could be considered inappropriate, “you’ve waited a long time compared to a lot of other relationships. But this is your relationship, and only you guys can decide if you’ve waited long enough. What do you think?”

“I think we have.”

“And, when you think about tonight being the night, do you think you’ll have any regrets?”

Red stains his cheeks at a fleeting thought of what tonight with Sebastian will be like, knowing that his mother is sitting beside him, waiting for an answer. “No. Not a single one.”

“Then I would say that if this is what you want, then do it.”

“It’s going to change everything, isn’t it?”

“Not necessarily. It’ll only change what you guys let it change. But you two are starting out on good, stable ground. I can only see this being a positive experience for both of you.”

“B-but … what about Dad?”

“Yikes, Kurt!” His mother snickers. “We’re talking about you having sex with your boyfriend. What the heck does your dad have to do with it?”

“Do you think that he’d be disappointed in me?”

“Kurt, that shouldn’t matter.”

“It doesn’t. I’m just … I …” He drops his head, mildly embarrassed, slightly exasperated.

Elizabeth takes her son’s hand in hers, noticing that it’s bigger than the last time she remembers holding it. Bigger than her hand even. When did her little boy grow up? Wasn’t it only yesterday when his father was trying to teach him to ride a bike, but he said he wanted ice skates instead? Wasn’t it an hour ago when Kurt was standing outside of preschool, crying his little eyes out because he didn’t want his mom to leave him, and now he’s about to go off to Cornell? She’d passed by his bedroom just the other day and saw empty spaces on the bookcases where trinkets and picture frames used to be, empty rectangles on the walls where posters used to hang. Wasn’t it only about a week ago when she and Burt moved in, and they decorated his room for him, setting up his crib and Elizabeth’s rocking chair, eager for the day when Elizabeth would finally give birth to him?

She takes a deep breath, bites the inside of her cheek, squeezes his hand and fixes her smile.

“Your father believes that you should wait until you’re thirty, but that’s because you’re his little boy. And you’ll always be his little boy. You could be fifty-three, but when he looks at you, he’d still see you sitting at a plastic table on the front lawn, wearing a shirt and tie, and serving him cakes and tea in tiny cups and saucers. But, to be completely honest, you’re older than I or your father was our first time.”

“Really?” Kurt’s nose scrunches, not because he’s judging his parents, but because he could have lived a long and happy life without that knowledge. But as unsettled as Kurt seems by it, Elizabeth isn’t offended. She’d probably have reacted the same way if her mother had said that to her at his age.

Heck, she’d be icked out if her mother rose from the grave tomorrow and said it.

Ew.

“Look, Kurt, your father and I love you. All we want is for you to be happy. Whether or not we approve of you having sex shouldn’t factor into your decision because it’s not about us. It’s about you and Sebastian. But just so you know, if it’s important for you to know, we won’t be disappointed. As long as you’re making your own decisions without pressure from anyone else, you can’t disappoint us. Okay?”

Kurt nods. “Okay.”

“Good. Now give me a hug.” Elizabeth opens her arms and her son slides in them, wrapping his around her waist. “Do you feel any better?”

“Yeah. Yeah, I do.”

“Good. Because I have one more piece of advice for you, and I hope that you’ll take it to heart because it could change everything.”

Kurt looks at his mom, his expression warm and relaxed, confident in his decision even more than he had been before. “Yes?”

Elizabeth gazes deep into her son’s eyes. She puts a hand to his cheek, kisses him on the nose, and says, “Lube, Kurt. Lube is your best friend.”

Kurt blinks. Then his whole face pinches and he scoots away, lips pursed as if he just tasted something sour. “Oh … oh God, Mom. Why? WHY?”

“I’m sorry, Kurt!” she chokes out, balled over and laughing. “I had to! Embarrassing my kid is a requirement, but with you … you don’t make it easy!”

“There’s a reason for that!” he groans, laughing in between.

“Kurt! You don’t understand! I couldn’t show my face around the other parents if I didn’t grab the chance when I had it!”

[suchawonderfullife]

Update: My progress,pitfalls and EMDR therapy

I checked out of Hansa 73 days ago and recently hit the halfway mark between the day I left and the day I will return for round 2. The journey has been incredibly challenging. I have spent weeks upon weeks being made sick by my treatment, having to continually stop and start various or all remedies, to the point where I could only do 3 days on, 1 day off and still be feeling very ill. At times I was in tears and not wanting to do it anymore. I’ve had days where I was angry that this is my life and 90% of my day revolves around therapies, treatments and exercises. Then I felt guilty for that train of thought because I should be grateful to have been given this opportunity to get well. It doesn’t mean it’s not hard and I can’t vent at times though. 

After those turbulent and horrible weeks, something changed. I worked out that one of my liquid remedies and one of my tablets were both making me herx and I was taking them together in the morning. When I stagger them, I no longer get the same severe reaction. I worked out dosages that don’t push my body over the edge and I’ve just completed 5 and 6 days of treatment in a row, rather than my previous 3 days. 

I’m noticing many improvements as well. My stamina has improved. Everyday I have more energy. It’s not a tremendous amount, I’m not out running 5km or working a full day. But I can pace myself everyday to complete multiple tasks and it (so far) doesn’t make me really sick. I might run an errand and do a few chores around the house, or leave the house for half the day and still be able to come home and cook dinner. Doing those kinds of things consistently is not something I’ve been able to do for over 6 years. I would usually have to do one household chore and that would be my days energy, or I wouldn’t be able to leave the house AND do something around the house. My payback is far lesser as well. I’ve spent days where I’ve left the house for half the day, come home feeling quite exhausted, yet been fine or only mildly tired the next day. 

In regards to my energy, I also realised I have these periods of feeling “manic.” Just incredibly energetic and upbeat. This may last a few hours or half a day. I told one of my friends about my persistent “manic” periods and her response was “maybe you’re not manic though. Maybe that is what ‘normal’ feels like and you’re just not used to it.” That’s a cool thought huh? Because I’m not mentally unstable, I’m not having dips of depression, but these periods of high energy. Maybe that IS what normal feels like? I’ve lived the past 8 years constantly fatigued and unwell, so feeling ‘normal’ would be incredibly foreign.

I haven’t bitten my nails in several weeks. It’s as if my nervous energy has lessened dramatically. Usually, I bite my nails constantly and I could never help it. It was like a subconscious nervous energy I always had and no matter how hard I tried to not do it, I couldn’t help myself. I just don’t feel the urge to do it anymore. My liver and spleen haven’t ached in quite a while, I can’t remember the last time they did. I can’t think of any other specific improvements at this time, but I know I just feel overall better and am slowly improving every day. I still have symptoms that suck and days that I feel shit. But the overall picture is a good one. 

EMDR THERAPY:

Then I started EMDR therapy. My Hansa Dr recommended it due to my limbic system dysfunctions and experiences of various traumas throughout my life. My Dr commented that all chronically ill patients have limbic system dysfunction and that those who focus on repairing this recover far better than those who don’t. EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing. Here is my very basic explanation (not guaranteeing it’ll make sense): You see a psychologist who is trained in this method. You bring up an issue or trauma you want to work on/deal with. After deliberation, your psych will have you pick an image of the memory you are referring to and to just hold that thought while they move their fingers or rod side to side in front of you and you must follow that motion with your eyes for around 30 seconds. Your psych will then stop and check in with how you’re feeling and any thoughts that came up. You do this several times and your mindset begins to change. What this exercise is doing, is the eye movement is making the memory blurry. Once the memory is blurry, your psych then helps your brain reprogram the memory in a more healthy and emotionally stable way. It sounds super weird, but here is a basic 2 minute video explanation https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hKrfH43srg8

There’s also this 7 minute video of it being done to a guy and I will tell you, I had exactly the same reaction as he did. It goes for longer than this and is a little more complex than shown: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KpRQvcW2kUM

So I had my first session with my new psych and I went there in a very bad mood. I felt this resistance to wanting to do the therapy. Understandably too, because who wants to go to consecutive psych sessions just talking about the worst things that have ever happened to them, having to really connect with those memories and work through them? I realised I didn’t feel comfortable with that particular psych either. She was really lovely, but I felt closed off and unable to open up. It took me a few weeks to realise I should make the effort to find a new psych, to make sure I do this therapy right and to give myself the best shot at recovery. 

I booked in with a new woman and had my first session with her a few weeks ago. Luckily, we connected far better and I’m comfortable enough to keep seeing her. Our first session was just the typical get to know you, what’s your life story kind of thing. Then the second session we actually started some EMDR. I talked about how anger was a huge issue for me. My liver is my worst affected organ, which is where anger is stored. I am very reactive and easily triggered, yet I’m not aggressive or violent. My anger becomes something I store in my body and only comes out in passive aggressive bursts. My psych said that the way I deal with anger is something I learnt in my childhood and it would be great to work on something from my childhood that made me mildly angry, just to start. So I had to think of a memory that stirred mild annoyance in me. 

After a few minutes, I came up with a fight I had with my brother when I was maybe 10 years old. He called me fat and I called him a name back. I was hurt by being called fat, so when I went to tell my mum that he had called me fat, I wanted sympathy. Yet I got no sympathy and my mum took his side. Having my feelings dismissed made me angry and my psych pointed out that this would have been one of many situations that taught my inner belief of “I don’t matter.” Low self-worth is one of my limiting core beliefs I have learnt through childhood experiences. That’s not to say in this particular memory that anyone was in the wrong, it’s simply how my brain has interpreted the encounter and processed it. 

So we did EMDR for that memory. She moved the rod back and forth for around 30 seconds each time. At each break she’d ask me what came up. Sometimes my mind would wander off and she said that was fine. My annoyance towards that memory began to fade and the entire image of it in my mind became blurry and hard to remember. That’s when she would have me try and picture that memory and change the limiting belief of “I’m not worthy” to “I am worthy.” The more she moved the rod and I had that snapshot image with those words, I started to feel happy and empowered. After about 15 minutes of this entire exercise, I felt nothing towards that memory and my worthiness was a 10/10 (they do 0-10 and 0-7 scales throughout to gage your progress). 

I honestly was sitting there thinking “what is this witchcraft?” How did she just completely shift my mindset like that? That description doesn’t even do it justice and it was more complicated than that, it’s just very hard to describe. She also had me do a visualisation of a calm place to visit in my mind when I get angry. She had me visualise things in my current life that create a 5/10 annoyance, to really connect with them and then place myself in my ‘calm place.’ It totally worked, I no longer cared about those things. 

Today I had my third EMDR appointment. My psych asked me to write down as many memories I could think of that made me angry or upset. She explained that EMDR is not just for major trauma. We are shaped from a series of small events throughout our lives and it’s important to focus on these small things, just as much as the big things. So even the small argument with my brother and my mum taking his side, has helped shape the negative little voice in my head or taught me how to store and internalise my anger. Work through 30 of those tiny life events and I believe I’d be a whole new person. 

I came up with over 50 events that occurred throughout my childhood, up until the age of 18. Some things may have been a passing comment from 1 person in primary school that just stuck with me, teachers not treating me fairly, fighting with friends, being bullied, deaths in the family, instances of feeling left out, jealousy of a sibling and more. My psych read through them and said I had recurring themes around body image, abandonment and something else (can’t remember). So I need to email them to her in order of age and she will group them into themes. Then we will work through those themes. 

Today we worked on my earliest traumatic memory. This was both my nanna’s (grandmother’s) dying when I was 5. I don’t really have many memories of them or their deaths, but I just felt it may have been a contributor to my abandonment issues and may be trapped in my subconscious. In my first appointment with my psych where I talked about my traumas, I cried talking about losing both my nanna’s. I was really surprised that it made me cry and she said there was obviously some pain there. 

This time she asked me what I could remember about their deaths. There wasn’t much, but the most prominent was the morning my nanna died, I was lying in bed and I heard my parents bring my pop home. I remember hearing him coming in the door crying, almost wailing with grief. My thought at the time I heard that was “she’s died.” I knew that meant my nanna was gone. My psych asked me to think really hard about that specific time and hearing the sound of my pop like that and it made me cry. She asked how that made me feel and I said I felt sad for him and could feel his despair. She pointed out I may have also felt helpless, being 5 years old. Connecting to that memory she started the EMDR, moving the rod from side to side. I had tears rolling down my face as I kept the image and sound in my head as best I could and watched the rod. 

She stopped and started the rod several times, checking in with me. I thought of different things about both my nannas each time she did it. I told her that I had a dream about my nanna the other night and I had never dreamt about her before. In my dream she never died, she actually just fell out with mum and they wanted nothing to do with each other. So I confronted her saying “I thought you were dead! Why wouldn’t you just come see us? It’s so incredibly hurtful that we haven’t seen you for this long.” Relaying my dream then made me cry again. My psych asked why it was upsetting me and I said that I was angry at my nanna in my dream and having a go at her. That made me realise that maybe I’m angry with them for leaving me. Because it’s been pointed out to me before that I was harbouring anger towards one of my brother’s for “leaving me” at a young age and I was upset and saying “I’m crying, I’m not angry, I just miss him.” My psych at the time made me realise, my inner child, on an emotional level was angry and felt abandoned. So maybe my 5 year old self was angry and felt abandoned by Nanna’s. We can all relate to seeing on TV or movies, when a loved one dies and the person left behind is angry and saying “how could they leave me?” Or something similar.   

I cried on and off quite a bit during this session and my psych said “there’s obviously a lot of sadness there. I think you really loved your Nanna’s.” I said “I don’t remember them, but yeah I guess I must have if it makes me this upset.” The more work we did, reverting back to the image of my pop coming home distraught and thinking intermittently about my Nanna’s in general and various other thoughts that popped into my head, my upset emotional state started to lessen. Recalling my memories started off upsetting and slowly turned into feeling nothing, with the memory also becoming hard to recall. So we then decided on a phrase to change and add to the memory. 

Due to my abandonment issues and possibly feeling like my Nanna’s ‘left’ me, we realised one of my core beliefs is “I am alone.” The opposite of this is “I am NOT alone,” however this is a little negative. So we changed it to “I am loved.” That phrase was then added to the image of my pop coming home (being an overall symbol for losing both my Nanna’s) and she moved the rod back and forth for a few more rounds. She then upped the sentence to “I am loveable,” and made me add that to the image. It was to try and teach my brain that I am worth loving, not just that others already love me or that I’m not alone. I really struggled with this sentence though and she said it is something we will work hard on next session. My emotional response to my memory of my pop or nanna’s dying was now a 0, it didn’t make me sad or upset, it was just a memory and my level of feeling towards “I am loved” was now a 10/10. “I am loveable” will be a work in progress though. 

During this process I thought about how interesting it was to do this therapy for grief. It can be done for many things, phobias, mental illness, traumas and more. Time will tell how it works for me as an overall picture as I have multiple major traumas ranging from car accidents to sexual assaults (very different things to psychologically grasp) as well as years of dealing with scary and traumatic chronic illnesses, then many minor negative life experiences such as abandonment from friends, being bullied, getting in trouble at school and more. 

I do feel very hopeful that it will make a significant difference to my mind which will in-turn help  me to heal overall. I really recommend people look into it if they are chronically ill, struggle with mental illness or have traumas