#I’m killing myself this is so stupid
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I should be getting paid to deal with this bullshit
#fandom lesbophobia and misogyny tied in with the PETTIEST discord drama blown so far out of proportion. dawg…#‘pls explain idk how we were lesbophobic uwu’#idk you attacked a bunch of sapphics and said they were transphobic and biphobic which then spiraled into spreading rumors about them being#abusive and alcoholics and calling them slurs#because they made ‘I hate men’ jokes and didn’t like your dumbass m/f ships and headcanoned a character a lesbian lmfao#also because one of them was supposedly transphobic on a VC but the apparent victim doesn’t even remember it like LMFAO?????#which is crazy considering most of them are not cis and are also bi themselves lmfao#which I EXPLAINED#but it’s still ‘idk how we were lesbophobic a day misogynistic pls explain’#I’m killing myself this is so stupid#like do you think I’m dumb. do you think I’m stupid#this is batshit#this is why I don’t do fandom discord servers yall are insaaaaaane#idk what’s worse#if this was done knowingly and we’re just playing dumb#or if we actually ARE this dumb and don’t think any of this was rooted in lesbophobia#which had been perpetuated SO hard in the more standard fandom lesbophobia and misogyny ways#not to mention the transmisogyny but I won’t get into that…. lmao#anyways#every day I wake up to more DMs and I want to SCREAM#I just wanna peacefully go into work and live my life man it is NOT my job to coddle you#because you got caught being shitty lmfao#fuck off#kaz rambles
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I imagine Cat and Laila forcing Jean to create a twitter account and then he’s like ??? about how it works like a lil 19 yo boomer he is
wait this is so funny to imagine him being literally clueless as to how social media works
#I want to make more but this is SO STUPID#I have to stop myself#Jean Moreau the social media inept king#Jean Moreau#tsc#jeremy Knox#also I tried to google informal french and I did study french for 5 yrs but I’m so sorry if it’s wrong French ppl don’t kill me#mine
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It’s so embarrassing and heartbreaking being in so much pain over losing someone while knowing they don’t give a fuck if you live or die. Your favorite person becoming a stranger is a special kind of hell.
#I fucking hate having bpd#while I’m at it I don’t understand the fuckin audacity some people have to say they love you and do horrible things to you#I feel so stupid#I feel so stupid for believing all the lies#but I was so in love and put him on such a pedestal that I just allowed it all.#thinking about someone constantly and grieving over them and knowing they’re perfectly fine and to them you don’t exist#I’m still in such a state of grief and I don’t understand why time hasn’t healed#it honestly feels like it’s gotten worse w time#I just torture myself but I can’t help it my brain wants me dead#it’s so painful I feel so fucking stupid#being abandoned with no closure by someone who’s your entire world#for someone they were unfaithful to you with multiple times (I don’t even know how many and dony want to know) immediately#like that was the plan all along#he took our cat hundreds of miles away and I don’t even know if he still has her or if she’s still alive and I miss her every day#I never loved someone like that and it feels like the heartbreak is actually physically killing me#i spent 1/5 of my entire life with him#I was my prettiest and had the best body at the time and I wasted it on someone who didn’t appreciate me#not wasted. it wasn’t wasted. we had some incredible times together#I’ll never be that beautiful again#and now idk what do so bc i can’t decide which is worse: being alone and isolating or loving deeply and ending up horribly hurt all over#it’s all just so upsetting.#and I feel so stupid for allowing it all#he knows more about me than anyone and he made me feel like he loved me so much sometimes and then did horrid things and it’s so fucked up#nobody read this I’m so embarrassed and horribly broken#it traumatized me so much there was so much abuse and pain idk if I’ll ever recover#I deserved it but it still hurts my heart#I was so mentally ill and sick I know it had to have been miserable to be around me#there are so many things only he understands and knows about me and I need to talk about them I j wanna b able to b there 4 each other#but that girl is so beyond insecure and controlling so. if I want to talk to who fuckin gets me I’m just fucked#why lead someone on like that for years knowing you’re going to abandon them the second it’s convenient
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I think the only reason Six didn’t straight up murder Dean in the Sierra Madre was cuz they were dissociated 95 percent of the time. It’s a miracle neither of them mauled the other
DM Six below the cut :3
They’re down two limbs cuz of Lanius,,,, I have a comic regarding their fight in the works but yeagh.
Also I feel like they’d be having constant migraines and bloody noses in the Sierra Madre,,,,, awful combo of the Cloud and brain damage. Other fun fact I think they made an Awful leg prosthetic via Ghost Person leg and a medical brace or two. When in Rome I suppose
#my art#oc: six#Dean is actually like my favorite character in the DLC outside of God…. I hate his smug gay voice <3#I fucked up my first playthru and locked myself into killing him so I ofc had to replay several hours to Not Do That#I love saying ‘I think’ or ‘id imagine’ like bro. ur the one in charge here#another fun fact I thought dean’s last name was pronounced ‘do-mean-o’#idk why. domino is obviously the correct choice I’m just stupid ❤️#fallout new vegas#fnv#dead money#fnv dead money#fnv dlc#dean domino#courier oc#courier six
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lol didn’t think someone giving money would give me anxiety
#to the judge that’s gonna see this case next year and the lawyer that is representing it assuming the state idk how this all works#why has the person to say the least get to go a whole year without consequence? a known criminal who after stealing from me and being#released and again getting arrest now for gang violence or some shit she was let go? she maybe associated to the group that killed that boy#last year. and here i am panicking because im afraid to carry cash. im paranoid that imma go outside and my car will be missing. i’m get#panic attacks when i drive to close to that gym and tired going back but physically cannot get out of my car and i start to cry in the#parking lot. i’m not sitting at work shaking forcing myself not to cry because someone handed me cash and i’m afraid someone is going to#steal my purse again. you think that’s not a big deal and honestly i didn’t think it was until my purse was gone. my cards stolen and used.#my key missing EVERYTHING in my purse GONE. so many things in there plus the purse i had money and all that is stuff i paid for now im out#all that cash i’m out 500$ for a key replacement i stopped feeling safe leaving my house all my non replaceable things gone and everyone#spoke to me like it was my fault and had to stand their crying while adults told me not to use a gym locker ??? but in the same breath telli#telling me this isn’t the first time she’s done this she has a warrant for her arrest she’s known to steal cars i’m the problem and there’s#nothing they can do to help me. so while i cry because all the money i had lost and never got back i had to do ALL the work to call my bank#track where my cards were being spent at call the jpay line she transferred money to look up the person she cashapped money to call the#business she was actively spending money at ask the manger if she is currently there and if they could give the police all the receipts and#video of her there for them to act like the hero’s for my brother and i tracking her down while you all belittled me#FUCK YOU AND FUCK HER i can’t be fucking normal about STUPID mundane shit i’m stuck here shaking and crying and what you tell me later it’s#not a big deal? give me all the content of your car and wallet or purse or backpack take nothing out and see what you’re left with and how m#much you need to spend to drive your car again and to tow your car home let a stranger have all your cards and address and tell me you feel#safe#OH and for the gym to tell me they know about her she used to be an employee there she doesn’t have a membership so they don’t know how she#got in and they can’t help but she did steal from another girl that night and an employee last month and who knows how many more ppl like#that’s convenient you pos sounds like she has friends that still work at the gym and open the back door for her or just let her in that’s#crazy no ? and this is all alleged because when if i lost all these things i can’t speak on what did or didn’t happen that’s some crazy bull#shit anyways the towing company felt bad for me maybe because i hadn’t stopped crying they gave me the key replacement number and told me to#mention he referred me so i could get a discount and the layman felt back for me because when i called him i started to cry and when he told#me the price i cried harder so 500$ was the cheapest but pretty much my whole check#key man*#bad** LET ME FIX TAGS#allegedly all these ppl are privileged kids from a privileged background that grew up in a sheltered community and thing there’s no#consequences to their actions because of the lack of accountability from their parents who willing pay for people to look the other way
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To me the thing is that like Bruce had the safety of some form of “professional boundary” with dick n obviously they clicked and then after dick left was like oh he meant so much to me :( and so jumped feet first into literal actual fatherhood with a kid who not only *doesn’t* have a trauma that scarily parallels bruces but is traumatized in ways he doesn’t understand. And Bruce thought his relationship with dick made him experienced for parenting and he adopts Jason. UNQUALIFIED
#I know it’s v easy to hate Bruce in DitF but like he is worried about Jason’s possibly suicidal behavior#but then you rmemeber that like last issue he was like wow this dumb bitch idiot silly stupid girl took the easy way out and killed herself#god I really hate that starlins comics r so important bc I think he is a bad Bruce writer like straight up. awful Bruce writer#BRUCE WOULDVE AT LEAST TOLD GLORIA HIS PLAN AND ASKED HER TO BE STRONG NOT JUST SECRETLY WAITED AND LEFT HER FEELING ALONE!!!!!!!!#and then obviously it ends so poorly for Bruce and then tim comes along and is like don’t worry I have parents#so Bruce is not scared. if tim were an orphan I don’t want to think it would’ve worked out#but by BftC tim is constantly referring to Bruce as his ‘father’ anyway. more examples that just what I’m rereading now#and then there’s also the like meta aspect of how in Jason’s re-intro he is kind of deliberately portrayed as NOT fucked up#like he’s physically capable he isn’t dirty#and then starlin comes in and is like no he’s a mess he’s a fucking messss but I hate how he did it BUT#parallels the only way I can wrap my head around the ‘Bruce adopted him’ retcon. and the way he started yelling at him so much#when jason started acting out. WHY ARENT YOU EASY (like dick)#I try to remind myself Jason’s just a kid. I call him a man out loud
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“so what are you up to? are you in college? do you have a job?” actually my main focus has been staying alive. “oh, your generation is just so lazy, we all have mental health problems, you still have to do something with your life” yeah that’s actually just what i needed to hear after i told you im trying not to kill myself.
#mental health#it’s like someone feeling the need to point out your weight#as if i’ll be shocked??#like yeah no shit i’m fat#i live in my body dumbass#no shit i need a job#but i sure as shit won’t have a job if i kill myself#so maybe#just maybe#you could shut the fuck up for once#keep your stupid opinions to yourself#and let me do what i need to do to survive#i’m just so fed up with people being ignorant#it’s as if they need solid proof im suicidal to accept that im actually struggling#like why do i need to justify my mental health to you
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everyday for the past month when i try to go to sleep all i can think about is something i’ve been putting off every single day and it’s so important and it’d probably only take me an hour or two but i can’t bring myself to do it and it’s tearing me up inside. i legitimately avoid doing it but think about it every moment of every day
#and yes it’s university relates#related*#because the professors all go on holiday in less than 11 hours that’s technically the last chance i have to do it and submit it before they#come back in january#and by then the next step will be even more delayed#and i will get probably less than a month to do my DISSERTATION RESEARCH#you might be able to piece together what i haven’t done if you did a psychology degree#but yeah. it’s killing me#i’m genuinely so fucking stupid and i’m constantly worrying about it#but all it would take would be just a few hours at most#WHY CANT I DO IT!!!!!!!#someone kill me and put me out of my misery#or give me a drug that will let my brain just do what i need to do#the thing that kills me is i did this to myself#i had so many chances to do it and for me to not stress myself out but now i’ve backed myself into this corner/deadline#like. why.
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I am now officially a whole two decades old
Everybody congratulate me on my two decades
#venting in tags#every birthday#I remember when I told my sister#when she asked me what I wanted to do for my (thirteenth? I think) birthday#and I said kill myself#I did not want to reach my teens#I was genuinely terrified of getting older#still am#because it meant that I had completely wasted another year#no normal teenage activity’s#no learning to drive#no proms or other dances#no first kiss#I’ve had only one friend since I was around 12 or so that I only talk to every few months#because I started pushing my childhood best friend away because being around her made me insecure and feel like I was immature and stupid#she was the only friend I had and she had so many#I remember feeling horrible for myself at her birthday party’s being surrounded by her school friends#and feeling like I wasn’t real#not a real person not a normal kid#like I was stupid immature and like she only spent time with me out of pity#I still feel most of theses things to be honest and it’s so embarrassing#being around people my age makes me feel so embarrassed#even with people younger then me#I was homeschooled and neglected if it wasn’t obvious#I’m so fucking insecure over everything#and im so embarrassed that I can’t even blame my parents anymore#I’m twenty I should have figured this shit out years ago#but maybe they should have fucking helped me#I’m so fucking embarrassed being alive#I don’t feel like a real person when I’m around other people like I’m walking on eggshells and everyone else is flying or something
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I hate how many opportunities I didn’t get because I was a girl and no one cared about me enough to help me
#My brother got so much that I didn’t#and yeah my mom was awful to him but he was everyone else’s favorite and there were so many people enabling his hobbies and such#He molested me AND my sister AND my cousin but everyone brushed it off and defended him#I worked my ass if in school and no one gave a shit but he’d get an A n my dad would buy him expensive video games#he got to play sports and go places#I got to act as my parents therapist and take care of my younger siblings#He threatened to kill himself over a petty argument and my dad talked to him kindly#I almost killed myself and my dad said horrible things to me bc if it#my brother never did shit around the house and no one ever said anything#I was majorly depressed and struggling to get out of bed and was called lazy and selfish#Until I started neglecting myself to take care of housework and school work#I still get shit for sleeping too much when in reality I just can’t sleep at night and it makes me crash at weird times#sorry I’m being stupid and whiny over dumb shit#screaming
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you know the oblivious pining in in memoriam would be hilarious if not for the horrors of war and its impact on the human psyche
#they’re so stupid (affectionate)#henry ‘I would rather kill myself than tell my best friend I’m in love with him’ gaunt#sidney ‘everything I write is about you but it’s ok that you don’t feel the same way it’s totally fine’ ellwood#in memoriam alice winn
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You lost true friends due to being a crazy person
Uh ma’am this is a mdcdonalds…
#you told me you hope i get raped again told me to kill myself and called the cops to my house#you threatened my family you lie about everything you copy my posts word for word and post them like u wrote them😂😂#you have now spent EIGHT YEARS obsessing over and stalking me#you made fake accounts and sent yourself all the awful shit you said to me then posted it everywhere telling people that it was me… LMFAO#you have the maturity of a fuckin stump evidently even now EIGHT years later#I’m in your head rent free and I don’t want to be#we were never friends… LMAO ????#why would I EVER EVER want to be your friend. be fr.#this is a wild thought process like be fuckin serious☠️#you’re so pathetic#I’ve had to block like twenty ip addresses because you will not fucking stop obsessing over me. I know I’m sexy but this shit is just weird#Olivia you look so beyond stupid lmfao#get some fucking help#you’re fucked
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being a character is so embarrassing. Yeah sorry I’m them you can kill me now
#lemon man talks#My irl friends would bully me for this#Anyways I’m actually feeling embarrassed about this but what can I do man#It’s not!! My fault#Specially bad when you see people mischaracterize them or see people hating over them#It feels directed at me and I can NOT deal with people hating me both as The Character and whoever the fuck I’m supposed to “really” be#This is so stupid irl friend that follows me please don’t see this please#I’m gonna kill myself or something
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guy who’s entire self worth and will to live when it is entirely and completely reliant on other people’s opinions on their work or something (IT DOES NOT EXIST WHATSOEVER)
#the crier#can i please please please die or just become perfect like everyone else is so i don’t have to experience this thanks#please genuinely kill me i’m going to be sick nothing i make is ever going to be loved there is no amount of changes that can be made#the art will reflect the artist and the artist is insignificant and worthless and unattractive and unappealing#it all means nothing and it all was nothing. i’ve accepted this but i’m never going to be okay with it#what the hell is even left here for me. what was i doing. i’m nothing. i don’t even exist#i just. i dont know. i wanted to exist.#i wouldn’t even care if *I* was loved. can’t you love what i love too? i made it. why doesn’t anyone see anything.#there isn’t anyone here man. no sincerity. i know what sincerity looks like. all i get something you people toss to me to shut me up#i’m genuinely scared i don’t have anything else. i don’t have anything else i don’t think anyone understands that this was my life#this is my last thread#i have no other reason to be here#i don’t think anything would stop me if this falls apart too#thinking about it more i want to say that i’d be fine with loving my creations myself. even if nobody else does. i think. they still make#me happy. i’m still happy. i think i can be fine if i just love them some more. i can still love them. and that will be enough. they’re fin#and i will be fine#i can just keep loving them and it will be fine. i don’t need anytone else to love them . i’m sorry#i’m still scared that i won’t let myself handle it. i’m scared and i don’t know why i’m so dependent on it i hate it i’m so so sick of it#i don’t want attention i dont want to need it i hate that i need it and i hate how. stupid. i get#when i just THINK that it’s not enough#why can’t i just carry them and myself away and enjoy them by myself. why do i need this so bad#i dont know why i need it so bad. they don’t even care. they arent real. they wouldn’t even want that attention on them
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i will literally concoct a foolproof system to make something unloseable, unmissplaceable, because its contents are extremely important. and still find a way to fucking lose it.
#mayor talk#GOING ACTUALLY INSANE WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONGG WITH ME#I HAD A KEYCHAIN. W MY MOTION SICKNESS MEDICINE. AND MY ENTIRE BODY OF WORK IN COLLEGE SO FAR#AND I WOULD AT ALL TIMES 24/7/365. CLIP THE STUPID THING IN A KEYRING#INSIIIIIIIIDE [emphasis on inside to avoid a scenario where it would be impossible for it to fall off during a walk] MY BACKPACK#EVERY SINGLE TIEM. I WOULD TAKE MY DRUGS. OR USE MY DRIVE. I WOULD ALWAYS PUT IT BACK#BUT I GUESS NOT WHEN I NEEDED MEDICINE FOR MY TRAIN HOME FOR WINTER BREAK#i would assume i just left it on my desk at my apartment. BECAUSE WHERE ELSE WOULD IT FUCKING BEEEE JDHKDGSH#until i have confirmation it is LITERALLY GONE#i’m worried about the drive because next semester is when i have to prepare my entire body of work for a progress review 😀😀😀😀#if it’s gone my digital portfolio is fucking shot and i’m so scared#i could probably chase down assets/finalized pdfs on google drive submissions. but the working files in case i wanna reprint?#but i cannot edit anything i wanna reprint bc my working documents only existed on that damn drive#I HAVE TO GO BACK TO CAMPUS FOR A DAY JUST TO SEE IF ITS WHERE IT HAS TO HAVE BEEN LEFT#AND IF ITS NOT THERE I MIGHY JUST KILL MYSELF HOW THE FUUCKKKK COULD I JUST LOSE IT#no way did it get lost in a car or the station because it would ALWAYS be inside my bag#if past me forgot this system and clipped it outside to be silly i’ll be so god damn mad. at myself#GRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!
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This drawing’s a fucking NIGHTMARE !!!!!! But I like her face here.
👆the full STUPID GAYASS IDIOT THING!!!!! that I will keep fixing and fixing and fixing. Until I DIE!!!!!! AND I STILL HAVE TO DRAW AGNES. and the blood. AND THE FUCKING MEAT ‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️
#diary#my art#oc tag#oc: mary#HER LEFT HAND. THE ONE THAT’S ON HIS WAIST??? A NIGHTMARE#I DON’T KNOWWWW HOW TO DO IT#LIKE I’M AWARE THE ANATOMY IN GENERAL SUCKS BALLZZZZZ BUT OH MY GOD‼️‼️‼️#I’m about to kill myself but whatever. I’m still gonna finish it because I’m FUCKING STUPID and I LOVE my OCs#the canvas is also bigger to the sides. Like horizontally I mean#and I keep having to tidy up my layers cuz there’s so many empty ones for NO reason. Other than my stupid.#I GET UP IN LIKE THREE HOURS. PLEASE. PLEASE DANTE LET’S GO TO BED#YOU CAN’T DO THIS…..#I have a disease
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