#I’m in love w Nikolai

[aureatchi]

“I GET LOST INSIDE ALL THE STARS IN YOUR EYES, IT’S A GALAXY.” ft. dazai, chuuya, ranpo, nikolai, sigma

— how do the bsd men kiss you? (& other things.)

a/n. rev writes this knowing well she’s awkward w physical touch ‘n has never kissed a guy. hdjshsh.

info. fem!reader. fluff !! + a bit sugg. established relationships. kissing, making out. mentions of bsd s5ep11 spoilers for dazai. pinch of angst if you squint.

DAZAI loves to listen to you ramble. he loves listening to you pour out your mind’s lively ideas to him out loud, whether it’d be something super philosophical that could match even his intellect, or something insignificant like the tv show you were watching last night before you fell asleep, waiting for him to come home. he is fascinated by anything and everything you say—so much, he wants to shroud the part of your body that speaks with love.

Which, of course, applied when Dazai finally returned to you from Meursault, after what had seemed like himself or you trying to cross the infinite sea of time.

You ran towards Dazai, his face clear and unhidden from the full moon’s light. He stood there with the biggest smile on his face, waiting for you to wrap your arms around his neck and envelope his taller figure in your embrace, but oh, he shouldn’t assume and expect loving gestures so quickly.

Instead, he was met with a fist to his chest, a punch with quite some power packed into it. Not enough to actually hurt him, of course, but Dazai would react dramatically either way.

“O-Ow! Bella!? What was that for?”

He looked down at you, catching an emotion as intense as fire in your eyes as you met his concerned, honey-dipped ones back, realizing you were being serious. Your fist was still connected to his upper body, and he stole a quick glance to observe your state—good, she’s been taking care of herself; she hasn’t skipped her meals—before meeting your face once again.

You let him bathe in a few moments of anxious silence before you finally started shouting.

“You didn’t even warn me!”

“I had no idea where you were!”

“Do you know how scared I felt?!”

Dazai continued to stand in place, not backing away when you continued to throw feeble punches at his torso with every frustration you cried out, when tears started to fall from your eyes, and when you stopped boxing him to surrender into his chest but not holding your tongue just yet.

“You’re so stupid and insane for this one, Osamu. Prison?! And you couldn’t even get a telephone to…yknow? Call me? Talk to me? I hate y—”

“Shh.”

Dazai had cupped your face, and before you could speak anymore, he sealed his lips over yours. Immediately, you kissed him back, abandoning all anger toward him by his action.

His eyes were half-lidded as he admired how yours looked in the silver moonlight. Up close, you were encompassed in his signature smell of green tea and a hint of mint, tempting you to keep him close to you even more.

“I…missed you so much, ‘samu” you said in between kisses.

“I’ve missed you even more.” You were lifted off of your feet, legs wrapped around his waist, as Dazai continued to press his mouth onto yours. He meant what he said—he savored the feeling of your warmth on him and the taste of your lips once again after not having it for so long. And robbing you of the same bliss along with it.

“I’m so sorry. I’ll make everything up to you, love,” he whispered as your hands found their way to sift through his soft, brunette hair. “I’ll kiss you as many times as you wish.”

“I’m sure you will even when I don’t wish,” you replied as you both pulled away for air, chuckling. “You’re not sly—we both know you kiss me to shut me up.”

“And I don’t see a problem with it?” he asked, his usual smug smile returning to his face before he gently peppered your forehead next.

“No. No, I don’t either.”

CHUUYA loves to spoil you. the top mafia executive spoils you with gifts, jewelry, accessories, breakfast…lunch…dinner, you name it. he also loves to spoil you with affection. after long days at work, he is always relieved to come home to the one good and comforting person in the world.

“Welcome home, Chuuya!” you greeted as you heard the front door open, the ginger-haired entering the house.

“Whatever you’re making smells delicious, doll,” he responded in a delightful tone, probably the first time he spoke so pleasantly all day.

You smiled. “I just finished making dinner.”

He walked toward you in the kitchen, pulling you into a hug.

“What’s up?” you replied, giggling at embrace as you wrapped your arms around him in return.

“Just missed you, that’s all,” Chuuya replied. “ You’re heaven-sent, yknow.”

You felt touched by his words. “I missed you too, Chuu,” you replied. “And I’m glad you feel that way. You deserve the best, and that’s what I’m trying to be.”

“Doll, you are the best. And you deserve the best,” he responded.

“Like this.” He gently lifted the custom necklace clasped around you. It was his present for one of your anniversaries, brought from some foreign country.

“But you deserve even more than material things.” He moved hair out of your face as he looked into your eyes.

He then moved closer to your face until his lips brushed over yours, and you could feel the warmth of his face.

“Something like this,” he said and then kissed you.

Luxurious as he was, his cologne smelled the same, completely engulfing you in his world. Chuuya showed you just how much you deserved by trailing his hands down to your waist, soothingly adoring every part. Meanwhile, his cerulean eyes gazed into yours, recording how pretty you looked to save in his mind.

“You’re so beautiful, doll.”

He felt you smile against his lips. “And you’re so handsome.” You broke away and then took the hat off of Chuuya’s head.

“You’re like…the person who can pull off the fedora the best.” You placed the hat on your head, his scent even more prominent on that accessory.

“You say that, yet I think I have competition now. Y’look cute with it on too.” Chuuya smiled, approving you with his signature hat.

You placed a kiss on his cheek. “Let’s eat now before the food gets cold.”

RANPO was very high-maintenance. you had to buy him snacks, you had to give him hugs, you had to do anything in the best wishes of the world’s greatest detective or else…he’d whine. and once he started complaining, he would not back down until you gave in. yet, however childish he was, you found him cute and didn’t love ranpo any less for his call of your affection.

“Ranpo! What do you need?”

Your boyfriend had run into the bathroom where you were trying to do your makeup, currently putting lipstick on your face.

“ ‘m really hungry,” he said, obnoxiously staring at you apply the red shade to your lips.

“Hungry? Oh, the snacks are in the pantry. I thought you’d already seen them?”

“No! I don’t want them!”

“Huh?” You paused and immediately turned toward him in utter disbelief that he had just declined his favorite food.

“Are you okay, Ranpo?”

“No!” He was unanticipatedly so loud that you flinched, accidentally running the lipstick off your mouth.

“…You’re not looking for snacks?”

“No!”

“Then what do you want?!”

“You!”

There was an awkward silence, and you noticed Ranpo’s face had gone entirely the shade of your lip as he stood, pouting.

It was apparent he was embarrassed for what he just blurted out. You almost wanted to laugh.

“You could’ve just asked me!” you replied with a chuckle in your voice. “Come here.”

Ranpo trodded toward you, still visibly frustrated.

“What do you want?” you asked.

“Well, first of all, you didn’t kiss me before I left for work this morning!”

You sighed, amused that he was whining so much because of that. And how he would never directly admit what he wanted from you—always making you have to solve puzzles and guess riddles to figure him out.

But it was also incredibly endearing how Ranpo took all your affections toward him to heart, no matter how big or small they were.

“Awh, I’m sorry I missed that,” you replied. “I’ll make that up to you.”

You kissed Ranpo’s cheek, stamping a red signature on the spot. You moved to his other cheek, and then his forehead, and then everywhere in between until he was covered in your smooches.

“Look!” you turned Ranpo toward the mirror for him to see what art you’ve created on him.

“You’re forgetting one place,” he said, turning his face to look at all angles.

“Really? Where?” you asked. He surely didn’t need anymore—his whole face showed proof you touched him everywhere with your lips.

“Here stupid, duuuuh,” he responded, kissing you on the lips. He moved your back to the edge of the sink counter, and then lifted you up to sit on it.

“Hungry, are you?” you giggled as he teased you with his tongue. “I avoided that spot on purpose, stupid.”

“Who are you calling stupid, stupid?” He ran his thumb over the stain your lipstick messed up on. You could feel him smirk.

“You, stupid! It was your fault after all. And look at your face!”

“Sweetheart, if you’re calling me stupid, you are too. One, you’re just stupid, and two, you’re stupid for being with me!”

You pulled back, laughing. “If I must be stupid to be with you, then I guess I’m stupid.”

“There’s a solution! If you call me smart, it’ll make you smart.”

“Fine, Ranpo. You’re the smartest person I know in this world.”

NIKOLAI loves surprising you. he finds your sudden reactions nothing short of adorable. which is why he caught you off-guard so much, so that he could see the cute responses you made, duh? widened eyes, mini jumps, and yelps were a few things he oddly took delight in.

Which is why the jester loves to surprise you with a kiss whenever he greets you. Though, whenever he does, you receive no warning. And you never know whether he wants to give you a simple peck on the lips or a full-on makeout session. It was expected to always be unexpected.

You were walking down the hallway to your room with a basket of clean laundry when you suddenly heard the all-too-familiar cheery, charismatic voice.

“Dove being productive, hm?” he chirped.

You scanned the entire room with your eyes, but you couldn’t see Nikolai anywhere, even though there was nowhere to hide.

“Kolya?”

“Hehe…I think it’s time for a quiz time!! Where am I?

“Am I here?” You heard a swift movement to the right of you, but as you turned, nothing was there.

“Orrr, here?” Now, you felt something brush your left side, but once again, when you turned to look, you were greeted only by Casper.

“How about here?” His voice was suddenly quieter but closer, more intimate.

You felt his frame against your back.

“Kolya!” you jolted in reflex, dropping the laundry basket—not expecting Nikolai to appear right behind you—but then, he surprised you even more by turning your face to the side and crashing his lips into yours.

He was so tall that he could easily lean over you to kiss you from behind your back.

You made a muffled squeal, and in the next moment, Nikolai had you against the wall with your hands above your head.

He stared at you as if nothing else in the world mattered because he already knew the reaction he would get out of you. You felt so shy and vulnerable under his complete gaze, but Nikolai was also mean—he didn’t allow you to move an inch to save face.

He wanted to enjoy the full show.

“H-hey! You can at least blink…” you blurted out when he finally let your face go, though he immediately grabbed you again seconds after.

“Hm? What’d you say, dove?” he asked, kissing you again. Your cheeks were flushed, and your lips were so soft and tasted like candy—how could he not be greedy for more?

“You’re so cute, baby!” he exclaimed when he finally pulled back. You were panting—Nikolai showed no mercy when he wanted you to himself.

But you still smiled in return when he gently bopped you on the nose with his mouth, a stark contrast to what he just did.

“Ah, did I get carried away?” He only then noticed you out of breath. “Sorry, I just missed you so much!”

“It’s alright,” you replied, hugging him, the scent of strawberry cake lingering on his body. “Though, whatever happened to a hi; hello?”

“You’ll never get anything boring from me, dove,” Nikolai giggled. “That’s one thing I’m certain of.”

SIGMA treats you like the most precious thing in the world, a princess. you need your shoes tied? oh, he’s on the floor with the laces. you need to go somewhere? he’s driving you there. you want to visit the sky casino? he would rig all the games so that you’d win every time. sigma is sweet and polite—he would always make sure you are fine with something before going ahead with it.

“How about here? I think this is a nice spot.”

“Okay! Let’s set our stuff here then.”

You and Sigma set down everything you brought for your evening picnic on the hills. The spot he had pointed out was directly in front of the sun setting behind the mountains, its golden glow bathing the earth in the day’s final hour of light.

Once all the food was organized on the blanket, you took out a couple of ribbons from your pocket.

“Do you want me to help you?” Sigma asked as you tried to figure out where to put them in your already-styled hair without a mirror. He noticed your struggle.

“Oh! Sure,” you replied with a shy smile, and immediately after, he was behind you, taking the braids in your hair and tying the ribbons onto those.

“Thank you,” you replied when he was done, and when Sigma stepped back, he smiled in admiration.

“Of course.” He took your hand as you both sat beside each other.

“It’s so pretty here.” You turned to face the mountains, the sun halfway below the horizon. “You were right; this is the perfect spot!”

You looked back at Sigma, but it seemed like he paid no attention to the view at all. His eyes were only on you.

“…Sigma?”

“Y-you look really pretty,” he said, eyes not leaving once you made eye contact with him.

“…Can I kiss you?”

Immediately, you felt your heart melt because your lover was so innocent and lovely. You had been together for months, yet he was still asking for permission to kiss you.

“Of course, Sigma! We’re literally dating, you can kiss me whenever you want.”

“O-okay!” You giggled at his smitten reaction.

You closed your eyes and puckered your lips in a dramatic act of preparation.

It seemed you had been mistaken, though. Because, he had kissed you on the forehead.

“O-Ohh—oops, I thought you meant-”

But then, Sigma’s lips were over yours. His hand that wasn’t holding yours gently guided your face towards his. His touches were all tender, expressing how much he adored you.

You wrapped your own free hand around his neck, pulling him closer. You opened your eyes slightly to take a peek, seeing his own were fluttered closed under such pretty eyelashes, and his expression content, basking in your comfort.

It was as if you and him finally breaking away was the moon’s cue to rise. The sun had set entirely by the time you were done, shades of warm-toned colored clouds left as a trail.

“That was sneaky of you, Sigma,” you laughed, cheeks warm and your head a bit hazy from how everything in the setting was so dreamy. “You tricked me by going for my forehead first.”

“I wasn’t going to kiss you straight-up like that! It was intimidating, you just waiting!”

You laughed some more, seeing his own cheeks tint a light shade of pink. “Come on, let’s eat.”

if u rb this post, i heard that ur fav will kiss u tn! reblogs are cherished; they support me as a creator. <3

© aureatchi 2023. no reposts or translations. do not steal.

[eliotbaum]

Them³. 

Some people expressed interest in the backstories & relationship between these characters so it’s under a cut. Beware, it’s full of Vallaki spoilers and. very long……. 

Lydia Petrovna/Fiona Wachter/my pc Father Dunant

Alright so, a not-so brief overview of each individual’s background and where their stories meet. Mind you, that is everything I currently know about the characters, and I'm pretty sure Lady W is still hiding something.

Lydia Petrovna has always been a frail, meek-hearted woman, but with a kind soul. For what she lacked, her best friend from ever since made up for it; Fiona Wachter was everything she ever wanted to be. Strong, assertive and with force of will. 

But Lydia also desired her in a different way, one that went beyond friendship and admiration. Fiona was not aware of those feelings and pursued Nikolai, while Lydia fell for Vargas, despite Fiona’s warnings and wishes for her not to do so. It fell on deaf ears, as Vargas seemed like a genuinely kind man. Suffice to say to those who played the game: the good qualities Lydia loved disappeared over time and he ended up emotionally abusing her, smothering her in a way where she completely lost who she was. Lydia was always desperate to help others despite her constitution and lack of powers or influence, so she thought putting on a bright face and encouraging the "all will be well" ideology would suffice. But she suffered greatly under it, too, coping with solitude and drug/alcohol abuse. Regardless, she kept holding onto hope, believing a better tomorrow will come one day. 

Vargas growing more paranoid of everyone ended up manipulating Lydia into believing Fiona and her husband were not to be trusted. And with Lydia’s facade steadily replacing what Fiona loved about her, ultimately drove the friendship to a breaking point after decades.

Fiona Wachter received a prophecy from an oracle (Madame Eva) while she was a young lady. The prophecy foretold of an outsider coming into Vallaki to bring great ruin, but his blood would also bring back sunlight to the town. She believed in this prophecy ever since, all the while pledging allegiance to Ravenloft as a family tradition, which earned her conflicting powers. On one hand, she could perform miracles and harm with radiance, on the other she received darker powers from her pledge. As such, she is also caught between two fronts — wishing for sunlight to shine upon the lands again while serving Ravenloft as is her family tradition. (This is something my PC challenges her with a lot)

This was all kept secret from her best friend as Fiona had always been a cautious woman. Fast forward to her strained relationship with Lydia that broke apart during Nikolai's early death. 2 years before the campaign starts, he died of an illness, and when Fiona turned to Lydia for comfort she didn't receive it. Lydia pretended like everything was fine still, and tried to deflect any mourning or sadness with Vargas’ messed up ideology. Suffice to say, Fiona felt betrayed, bereft, in more ways than one. And then, her daughter, who was to be betrothed to Viktor Vallakovich, Lydia's son, went mad after prolonged contact to Viktor. Fiona went scorched earth and planned an assassination on Vargas ever since.

In comes my lil guy! Father Kasper Dunant, a humanitarian priest always striving to be virtuous, to be of help, but who leaves calamity in his wake for whenever he tries to do good. Up to a point where experimentations with blood healings destroyed his hometown, (if this sounds like Bloodborne. big inspo haha) and he fled — only to get trapped in another ruinous and cursed place. In Vallaki, he helped with the St. Andral church and Father Lucian, Lydia's brother. Vargas also took a liking to him, which resulted to Kasper and Lydia growing closer. He was attracted to her gentle heart, her kindness he found beyond her facade. They became light in each other's darkness. 

Meanwhile, Fiona Wachter invited him & the party, intrigued by hearing of outsiders. She had hoped they could be part of her prophecy, and she intended to more or less rope them into her assassination plans. Now this being conflicting with many values and relationships our characters built, the party took a "safer" angle, in which we removed the biggest threat (general Strazni) from town and saved townspeople during riots following the assassination; Lydia being among those saved, who they hid away at the Martikov’s tavern. Lydia, who had fallen for Kasper early on, held onto him as she had lost almost everything (Vargas assassinated, Viktor teleported away) and they both found new hope, comfort and love in eath other. 

And in a way, Fiona also freed Lydia of the shackles of her abusive marriage.

Fiona would've taken charge of Vallaki had it not been for Kasper's suggestion to establish a council instead of a single ruler. Consisting of him, Fiona, Vasili (completely different character in our game and not secretly, yknow), a homebrew NPC and Ireena. Fiona and Kasper started to develop this dynamic of push and pull, feeling for how much they can trust and work each other with their opposing views in terms of politics and Ravenloft. But they had one moment where they forged a bond; Kasper, a blood cleric, summoned a mock sun through 'Daylight' for her (my flavor is that he spills blood for some spells). 

Voila, exactly what her prophecy foretold. She understood it wasn't real, but Kasper promised her to bring true sunlight back to Barovia. In a moment of fervor, Fiona suggested they could rule the town, the country together.

They are still very cautious but enjoy the tension and mystery they have about each other. Lydia, in the meantime, has been growing conflicting feelings about Fiona. While she was certain old feelings have been put to rest, the things Kasper tells her of Fiona seemingly awakened something again. There's a lot of guilt and hurt there, though, muddled with affection, and Lydia is sorting out her feelings still.

Meanwhile, Fiona still resents Lydia for her weakness. It was always clear how much Fiona cared for Lydia, repeatedly challenging her to put down this mask, to be herself again. And being hurt by seeing her friend lose herself so easily.  It's bitter, but Kasper has been meekly trying to calm the waves, to little avail so far. 

It is, A Mess to say the least, and Kasper together with Lydia have been growing concerns and worry for Fiona’s safety and ultimately, herself, since she changed so much, became so much darker since her husband’s death. But those two idealists hope there is still a chance to save her 🥺💦

tl;dr young outsider priest becomes entangled in noblewomen’s personal drama while both believe the gods and fate has sent him their way as he tries to mend a broken relationship 

[bombsquad9]

𝐋𝗼𝐯𝐞 𝐋𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐮𝐚𝐠𝐞 + 𝐆𝐞𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐫/𝐒𝐞𝐱𝐮𝐚𝐥𝐢𝐭𝐲 𝐇𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐜𝐚𝐧𝗼𝐧𝐬: 𝐑𝐞𝐬𝐢𝐝𝐞𝐧𝐭 𝐄𝐯𝐢𝐥 (PT. 2)

Characters Included: Jake Muller, Jill Valentine, Leon Kennedy, Luis Sera, Nikolai Zinoviev, Piers Nivans, and Sherry Birkin.

><—><—><——><—><—><——><—><—><—><

𝑱𝒂𝒌𝒆 𝑴𝒖𝒍𝒍𝒆𝒓;

—> Cisman (He/Him), Bisexual w/ a preference for women

✞ Physical Touch: Jake is gonna be all over you, even if he (tries) to do it in a more subtle way. An arm around your waist? Shoulders? He doesn’t care, as long as he is touching you. You’re his, he wants to show you off, what’s so wrong with that?

✞ Quality Time: Jake would like to spend time with his partner. After he lost his mom, he is afraid anyone else that he loves dearly is gonna get ripped away from him too. He would rather have memories that may get tainted in the future, then be distant and regret it later on.

𝑱𝒊𝒍𝒍 𝑽𝒂𝒍𝒆𝒏𝒕𝒊𝒏𝒆;

—> Ciswoman (She/Her), Pansexual/Demiromantic/Demisexual

✞ Acts of Service: Jill isn’t good with words, and is a firm believer of “Actions speak louder than words”. She’s a busy woman, but either way she’ll find a way to take away from the amount you have on your plate. Though, if you were to do the same for her she’d be eternally grateful.

✞ Quality Time: Jill has lost a lot of peers, so, similarly to Jake, she would rather make memories than regret not making them. She’ll take any time off she has to dedicate to you, taking you a place you’ve been wanting to go, just laying in bed holding each other, etc. She doesn’t wanna lose you, even if deep down she knows she won’t.

𝑳𝒆𝒐𝒏 𝑲𝒆𝒏𝒏𝒆𝒅𝒚;

—> Transman (He/Him), Bisexual

✞ Words of Affirmation: Leon just wants someone to love him, man. He’s lost so many people, including himself, so he just wants someone to help bring the old him back with praise and love. Obviously he isn’t 100% gonna be his happy self with all the fucked up shit, but sometimes an ‘I’m proud of you’ just makes his day, even if it’s a little bit. He seems like he would break down a little bit if you told him that you accept him and anything he comes with (trauma, etc).

✞ Physical Touch: After a long mission, Leon would just wanna lay on his significant other and cuddle with them. He’s so touch starved and craves any ounce he can get from his partner. Hugs last a little longer every time, hand holding is common. He always will have an arm around your waist/shoulder in public because it’s so addicting to him to the point he needs it.

𝑳𝒖𝒊𝒔 𝑺𝒆𝒓𝒂;

—> Cisman (He/Him), Pansexual

✞ Physical Touch: Luis, similarly to Jake, would be the kind of guy to never get off of you. He would constantly want to be all over you and show you off. Luis would definitely come behind you and smack your ass, but also be the kind of person to give you a nice hug from behind, so it’s a gamble. It’s all in good fun though.

✞ Gift Giving: Luis seems like the kinda guy that would see a cute little trinket that he’d think his partner would like, and/or reminds him of them and get it for them. He loves the little light in your eyes when he gives you something and you like it, it fills something in his heart that he doesn’t wanna let go of.

𝑵𝒊𝒌𝒐𝒍𝒂𝒊 𝒁𝒊𝒏𝒐𝒗𝒊𝒆𝒗;

—> Cisman (He/Him), Omnisexual w/ no preference

✞ Gift Giving: Nikolai, as he said, likes money. I'm sure he's got quite a bit (whether he acquired it legally or not is unknown, but money is money, right?), so why would he spend it on his significant other? He loves showering his partner in loads of gifts and won't stop, even if they ask him to.

✞ Physical Touch: Nikolai will never keep his hands off his partner, they're his to show off, so why wouldn't he? He always had a hand around their waist, around their shoulders, he doesn't care. It shows they're HIS and only his.

𝑷𝒊𝒆𝒓𝒔 𝑵𝒊𝒗𝒂𝒏𝒔;

—> Transman (He/Him), Gay or Bisexual w/ a preference for men

✞ Physical Touch: Piers is a sucker for a good cuddle session, and will happily melt into a good hug. He loves holding his partner’s hand. He strongly believes there is nothing better than coming home and snuggling up into his significant other’s arms after a long, grueling mission.

✞ Acts of Service: He will happily do whatever you want, whenever you want. Piers loves helping you with things you don’t want to or can’t do, it makes him feel useful. He loves the little smile on your face and the praises you give him when he tells you something is already taken care of.

𝑺𝒉𝒆𝒓𝒓𝒚 𝑩𝒊𝒓𝒌𝒊𝒏;

—> Ciswoman (She/Her), Bisexual w/ a preference for men

✞ Words of Affirmation: She probably craves praise because she didn’t get it as a kid, and if she did it was a half-assed “good job” before her parents moved on to something else because they were so busy. Sherry’s heart swells at the slightest of praise, even if it’s something as simple as a “I appreciate you”. It means a lot to her, and she is willing to dish it right back out.

✞ Gift Giving: Sherry seems to be the type who would make you cute little gifts. I can see her sitting down and making you a customized card for your birthday/valentines/etc. She also believes in giving thing with sentimental value, she thinks it’s a symbol of trust if you’re willing to give someone something you cherish, y’know?

><—><—><——><—><—><——><—><—><—><

𝐓𝐚𝐠 𝐋𝐢𝐬𝐭: None Currently

A/N: Comments and reblogs are appreciated! <3

[scarletta-ruan]

helloo, how are you? hope you're doing good! could you do a scenario with sigma, nikolai, fyodor and jouno where reader haves a mental breakdown in front of them??? you can choose the motive!

anyways, take care! i love requesting here, you're so kind and your writing is perfect 😭😭😭

SIGMA, NIKOLAI, FYODOR AND JOUNO WITH HIS SOMEONE HAS MENTAL BREAKDOWN

WARNING: OOC, mention of suicidal thought, reader is trying to against the mental breakdown, character is going to comfort them, soft!character

TYPE: Scenario

PAIRING: Sigma || Nikolai Gogol || Fyodor Dostoevsky || Saigiku Jouno x fem!reader

WORDCOUNTS: 0.9+ words

NOTES: Oh, and you too are also precious since you love putting request here. I hope that I would have more and more works for you to enjoy in the future. And your request is finally here.

1. Sigma

Sigma paid his attention to you when he heard you let out a long sigh again, just a few hours had passed and you gave him some signs that you weren’t in a good mood. This did hurt his heart for a bit, because he couldn’t stand your sadness. That was when Sigma approached the couch where you were sitting. Like normal, you just leaned on his shoulder and let out another sigh. Sigma wasn’t feeling good now, his mind came up with lots of questions when you showed off this side of yours.

“Is there anything… okay to you?”

“I’m just… not feeling good, you know.”

You chuckled bitterly, and when your eyes faced him Sigma saw a gleam of darkness was hiding deep in your eyes. So dark, so alone, even so… empty. Then again, you buried your face into your palms and groaned.

“Everythings is just too much for me. And I… am too tired for everything. I think I should-”

I think I should die. You couldn’t say those words out loud even if you wanted to, but when somebody faced their loved one they wouldn’t have any courage to show that person the weakness they had been carrying in their heart. Suddenly, you felt someone’s warmth surrounding your body. When you lifted your head up, Sigma slowly pulled you closer to him, he let your ear close to his heart.

So gentle, so warm, so precious, you thought all of this was too much, Sigma was always there when you needed some help. His arms around you felt more tight, then he whispered.

“Don’t… Don’t say that. It is too much for you, right? Then, will you take a breath in my arms?”

The heartbeat resounded in your ears just like a song, gentle and full of worry. You felt like yourself just like a small child weaving for their parents' love. He just soothed you down by letting you lean on him like this, he was too precious for you now.

2. Nikolai Gogol

You were sitting alone in the empty room. How many times did you lift your head up, looked around then buried it again? You didn’t get it at all, being mental breakdown stole away almost all the happiness in your life. You heard a rustling sound resounding near you, and as you lifted your head one more time, you saw a hand appear from the portal.

It was waving at you like it wanted to say hello. A moment later it pulled out a bunch of flowers and you heard someone was giggling at the door. There stood a young man with white hair, his mismatched beautiful eyes looked at you while still giggling. 

He then approached you who were sitting alone in the corner of the room a moment ago. He picked you up with his arms, when you were surprised he put a lot of kisses on your face. You shyly asked.

“W-What’s wrong, Kolya?”

“Huh, nothing. I just saw you were sad a moment ago when I entered the house, so… I thought you might be happy again when I kiss you.”

Nikolai replied without any hesitation. When you were lost in his mismatched eyes, Nikolai’s chuckles pulled you back to reality. And he quickly escaped the room with you in his arms, it seemed like he was going to pull you in another surprise just to cheer you up.

3. Fyodor Dostoevsky

Fyodor had been paying attention to the figure which was sitting on the couch an hour ago, he had no idea what you were doing now. But through the way you acted, he might guess you were having a bad time. He slowly put the tea pot and some cups of tea on the tray, by that way he could easily bring it up to you.

By the time Fyodor put the tray on the table in front of the couch, he finally saw your face. Eyes were full of tears and your hands were trying to wipe it all away but when you saw a pair of violet eyes were looking at you. You hid your face away from him, Fyodor let out a long sigh when he saw this.

A moment later, you felt his cold slender arms wrapped around your body. Fyodor was trying to hug you tightly in his arms.

“Wh-What-”

“Sh, just keep quiet. Rest, my dear. Just rest.”

He said, his other hand gently patted your back like he was comforting a child. You then naturally leaned on his touch, when you closed your eyes, Fyodor was humming a song beside your ears.

4. Saigiku Jouno

“There, do you want something else?”

Jouno said as he put the cup down on the table in front of your eyes. He was always gentle like this, though his eyes weren't able to see your face, but still himself was sharp enough to know what you were needing.

And since he was sharp enough to know about others' feelings through their heartbeat, Jouno always got his way to know that you were alright or not. He already knew that you were too tired and in a bad mood. 

“I had just made you some hot cocoa, it may help you to feel better.”

You slowly picked up the cup on the table and took a sip. The sweetness of the drink went through your throat, the warmth made you feel better than just an hour ago. 

“Is it good to help you feel better?”

Jouno asked again, this man he knew it clear like the back of his hand but still he always asked. You smiled at him and replied.

“Much better than now, Sai.”

He also gave you a familiar smile as he put a kiss on your forehead then hugged you tightly and said.

“Yeah, just don't push yourself too much next time. Remember that I still got you, okay?”

[juunobox]

──★ ˙ ̟ "PERFECT TIMING!"

you're nikolai's intimate friend (nikolai gogol x gn! reader) and he wants to 'free' you

summary : you're nikolai's friend and he wants to give you a taste of freedom (which of course means, he wants to kill you) ur like fyodor to him in this fic, kinda warnings : implied mental disorders, graphic depictions of violence, suicidal ideation, assisted suicide. you have a complicated relationship w him please do not take this seriously, fr i wrote this for coping purposes lol and sorry if it's kinda OOC this is the first ever nikolai x reader i wrote... dont beat my ass and english isnt my native i suck at grammar

Your days has always been mundane. You woke up and work on your laptop all day, then go back to sleep. However, there was a moment when your days became a bit more colorful, thanks to Nikolai's presence. He's an eccentric man who dressed like a clown and spoke theatrically. How did you meet someone like him in the first place? That's a story for another day.

With the time you both had, usually in the evening, he had developed a habit of visiting your place. By that hour, you'd be done with your day job, and you'd have the time to focus all your attention on him. It started as something casual, but as time went by, the two of you realized just how much you understood each other, at least to some extent.

His philosophy about freedom. The belief that being human itself is akin to being in a prison, it speaks to you. And the moment you expressed to him that you too shared the same belief, something changed between you two.

“Because you’re my…

Dear, intimate friend.”

He was fun to spend time with, so much so that it made you forget that he's a terrorist, a member of DOA. He brought colors to your uneventful, colorless life, and you didn't understand why.

“I guess you're sane in an insane way, Kolya.”

The clown laughed at the way you worded it. “Hilarious way to put it, [y/n]! You’d make for a talented comedian. You shouldn’t let this talent of yours go to waste! Don’t you think so?”

You sighed at his remark. “I’m way too anxious to do that. I can't stand in front of the stage and speak in theatrics like you do.” You eyed him playfully, and he giggled at that.

“Is that so? My dear friend can't handle the stage? How adorable, you’re intimidated by your own kind!” He scooted closer and cupped your chin in his hand. Your cheeks warmed up a bit at his touch, and you attempted to hide it. “You talk as if you're not a human yourself,” you said in return.

Nikolai’s grin grew even wider at your comment. “But I am one, I am a perfectly sane human being.” He tilted your head slightly to the side as he leaned even closer, his hot breath caressing your cheek. You swallowed nervously and darted your gaze away, unable to bring yourself to meet the silver haired clown's mismatched eyes.

And then he kissed you. It was a tender, loving kiss. Nikolai attempted to deepen the kiss, but you managed to push him away. He didn't try to force himself on you; however, he simply stared down at you with a smile. A smile that didn't quite reach his eyes.

“Did you just kiss me? What was that even for?” 

“Because… I’m looking for an answer.”

“What?”

“I’m looking for an answer.”

You didn't quite understand what he meant at that moment.

This wouldn’t end well, you knew it. Yet, you couldn't resist him.

The relationship between you two was something that words couldn't quite explain. You two weren’t exactly lovers, but you weren’t exactly friends, either. An undefined one, dancing between the lines of friendship and romance. But did you want it to end? Of course not. You never questioned it, despite the uncertainty gnawing at you.

You had always been good at hiding your emotions after all, or at least, that's what you think. Good at fooling others into believing that you were okay when you were not, because you felt far too shameful to express them freely. You beat yourself up inside your head. You couldn't feel things normally, you either feel nothing or everything at once. It's too much. Nauseating. You hated those feelings. But one day, at the worst possible moment, the clown appeared before you. As you were grappling with your breakdown, you found yourself pouring out your thoughts and feelings to him. Nikolai was present with his vacant facet, silently listening to every word.

"I just want to be free. I hate feeling things. I hate this. I hate everything. I want everything to stop!" Your voice was laced with desperation, and you continued, "If I had a gun, I probably would've done it already. I'm so tired of all of this. My mind is telling me to stop, but I can't do it! I keep doing it, I can't stop myself. I wish my body would just give up. All the things I've done to my body, I've tried inflicting all sorts of damage to it, yet somehow, the heart still tries to beat, and so I remain alive."

In the midst of your distraught state, Nikolai's face held sympathy for a moment. He approached you and pulled you into a tight embrace. He didn't say anything, he kept silent— only his grip gradually tightening as if he wanted to crush your pain away.

—

Just like any other evening, you were in your room with Nikolai. He had brought you something new - a small variety of Ukrainian sweets. He said he wanted you to taste a piece of his homeland. It was unusual because Nikolai had never brought you food before despite his frequent visits, but he seemed eager, so you decided to show your appreciation by giving it a try.

In mere minutes, your stomach began to twist and turn, forcing you to curl up in pain at the edge of the bed. “Aren’t you going to help me?" you cried out, struggling to make sense of the situation.

"...."

"Oh, wait." "You're not going to help me because you intended to do this, right?” You managed to say as you writhed in agony.

Nikolai seemed momentarily disconnected from reality but soon snapped out of it and burst into laughter. “Oh, dove! Does it hurt? Yes, you’re a smart one, aren’t you? I did slipped a liiittle bit something into this dessert,” he placed his own food aside and peered over you. “But I didn’t use enough to kill you, what do you think!” He exclaimed loudly in his usual antics. You always thought you understood him, but there were moments when you couldn’t quite wrap your head around his thinking. This was one of those moments.

“After all we've been through, you’re trying to kill me now?”

For a moment, the silver-haired man appeared taken aback. “Why do you ask? That's precisely why I want to kill you. To prove my freedom. Don't you yearn for the same?”

"You wish to be liberated from your emotions, don't you?"

It didn’t take long for you to grasp the meaning of that. You both shared the same understanding, after all. That emotions made you feel imprisoned, but you never thought Nikolai would express it this way. Before you could respond, he continued.

“Because you’re my... intimate friend… it pains me to witness your struggle to break free, just as I am.” He mumbled, his eyes empty and distant. “You’re my dove. My dearest. My angel.” By each words spoken, his voice turned softer, and he sounded genuine for once.

After a trail of endearment terms rolled off his tongue, you spoke. “Perfect timing,” you whispered, managing a grin despite the aching pain in your stomach.

“Then, why don’t we find freedom together, Kolya?”

—

"Nikolai,” you whispered, caressing his cheek. You knew this would be the last time you'd see him. “How do you feel right now? You look happy. If you were to look in the mirror, your grin is so wide I didn't even know someone could smile like that.

“Hahahahahaha! I am indeed feeling ECSTATIC!” He pulled colorful balls out of his coat, along with a couple of knives, and began juggling them in his hands. “Now, it's time for a quiz! Which weapon will I use to end your life? I have knives, guns, bombs, oh, a wide variety of choices! This is going to be super thrilling! So exciting that words couldn’t do justice!” You could only manage a faint chuckle at this. “All of those weapons, because you like torturing people to death. Right?” 

Nikolai took a couple of steps closer to you, continuing to speak in his theatrics. “Ding dong! You are—” He reached for a small knife and aimed it at your throat. “WRONG! You're wrong! Thought you answered that right, didn't you?! Gotcha!” He giggled to himself, his eyes not leaving your figure as his other hand reached into his overcoat, pulling out another knife.

“Because you are my dear friend, [y/n], I will grant you the honor of receiving special treatment. I'll make it quick for you because I want you to be free as quickly as possible!”

You had agreed to Nikolai taking your life.

You saw it as a two-way street, a mutual exchange. He could attain the sense of freedom he so desperately sought, and you could be liberated from your thoughts, emotions, and feelings.

Your miserable existence.

“Ready to take off, my dear?” Nikolai questioned, his grin stretching from ear to ear. He was smiling, but it appeared more like a manic one, instead of genuine happiness. It made you wonder what sort of expression you were wearing. A whirlwind of emotions are surging within you.

You are going to die. In Nikolai’s hands.

Slowly, you nodded. “I am.” Nikolai's grin widened even further, it appeared almost unsettling. Before you could utter another word, Nikolai had already plunged two knives deep into your chest. Your eyes widened, and you collapsed to the ground. Nikolai swiftly straddled you, and he didn't cease his stabbing. “Scream! Shout! Let me hear your cry of freedom, granted by the great Gogol himself! Hahahaha!” Laughter consumed him as he continued to relentlessly stab your neck and chest.

The pain was unbearable, but you couldn’t quite scream properly. Everything happened so quickly. Only disjointed sounds escaped your lips, drowned out by Nikolai's increasingly intense laughter as he continued to stab you.

"Freedom! Oh, this is what I've been searching for! I feel nothing!" He yelled hysterically. His mismatched eyes locked onto yours, your vision starts to blur, yet you could still see Nikolai wearing the same grin and glaring eyes. "My dear friend! Tell me! You feel free as well, just as much as I do right now, correct? Don't let my effort in killing you be in vain! You are free! Free from that prison you've been in! Say yes! Say yes!" He continued his rapid speech, almost matching the rhythm of the stabs.

Feeling your body growing cold, you could only muster a faint smile in response, sensing your blood seeping from your chest and neck. It felt oddly calming. The pain had lessened. Your body turned colder and colder, but the blood oozing from your wounds felt warm.

With the last bit of your strength, you managed to touch his cheek. You weren't sure if it was a hallucination or not, but Nikolai appeared to flinch in surprise when your hand made contact with his skin. Your body temperature was plummeting rapidly.

“...Kolya..” you managed to croak out, before closing your eyes and falling limp.

The floor was now painted red. The silver-haired clown’s once monochrome attire had almost turned crimson; stained with your own blood. There was a moment of silence, so profound that Nikolai could hear his own breathing. But then his breathing quickened, and his smile broadened once more.

“Hahaha!” He laughed out loud, “Oh! My dear friend is finally free now!” He picked up his knife again and lunged over your lifeless body. You were no longer breathing, but Nikolai continued to stab you. “The freedom we've desperately sought! Liberated from this thing called brainwashing!” The clown's eyes remained wide with trembling irises, an impression of madness. Unlike before, his voice now bore a subtle crack, as his gestures also became unsteady.

The same expression remained on his face, but tears started streaming down his cheeks. Nikolai seemed unaware of his own tears. “My dear friend! Tell me that I've achieved this freedom! You can confirm it because you understand me, right? You're the only one who understands me, after all!” His tone grew almost frantic, and his voice continued to break with each word. He pulled the knives from your chest and threw them aside, squeezing your cold, lifeless hand tighter in his warm ones.

“Because you’re… my dear friend… and you’re the only one who understands me…”

[corpsebasil]

hiii could i pls request something w modern prince nikolai?? i’m dying to know how they get back together😭

YES

Modern Nikolai part 3 I think!

The cafe is quiet at opening hours, but then again it always is now that it’s public knowledge that Nikolai avoids your former workplace.

The multitudes of ‘princess-hopefuls’—a term Oliver coined that refers to the women who think a casual run-in with Prince Nikolai could be the beginning of their own royal love story—have long since stopped haunting the corners of the coffee-scented establishment, the gentle hum of an espresso machine and the soft music in the background replacing excited whispers and gossiping.

That’s why when Nikolai, clad in a baseball cap and a sweatshirt from the university he graduated, sits across from you, the elderly patrons and younger customers that tend to mind their own business barely bat an eye. Only the currently working barista, a girl named Margery who replaced your own position, lifts her eyebrows briefly before going back to her work, the prince a minor distraction in her routine of grinding coffee beans and steaming milk.

“Y/N.” He starts immediately, his familiar voice raw and soft as he sits across from you. Your fingers, already wrapped tightly around a warm cappuccino, tighten further. “You look…I mean, I missed you. You..”

When you allow yourself to meet those sad blue eyes, so vivid even under the slight shadow of his visor, a feeling of longing overtakes you. You still love him. Of course you do. But he hurt you.

“Switzerland.” You say, ignoring his statement as you move forward. “Oliver invited me.”

He’s quiet for a second. His jaw twitches—the only sign of his irritation.

“He told me.”

“And?” You ask. You’ve always been able to read him like a book. Seeing him become slightly annoyed by his brother’s actions is only another reason on your rapidly growing list as to why you shouldn’t go. “You don’t want me there. I don’t want to be there. Olly—“

“I do want you there. Christ, Y/N.” His hand darts out to touch yours upon instinct before he squeezes his eyes shut, clearly frustrated with himself as he tucks his hands together under the table, safe in his lap. It’s too late though—his warm fingers have already brushed your knuckles and now you want to hold his hand again. God, you feel like a Victorian man seeing an ankle after a dry spell. “I’m sorry. I—Jenna misses you. Olly won’t stop talking about how excited he is for you to come. My mother—” Nikolai pauses. “My mother would be…absolutely relieved to see you.”

“Your mother, lied to me.” You say, eyebrows furrowed as you let go of your cup and tuck your own hands into your lap as well, mirroring his actions. Two sides of a coin, the two of you are. Two halves of one soul. Inseparable. Irreplaceable. “And Jenna, and Olly. And you.” Your voice catches and you both seem to tense at the same time. “You lied to me. You said you loved me but you—”

Oh shit, your voice is doing that thing where it sounds a bit croaky before you start crying.

Not here. Not here.

“Y/N,” Nikolai murmurs, reaching out again. His jaw is clenched tight as he splays his fingers, laying himself bare for you if you want him. “I’m sorry. For everything for—“ he squeezes his eyes shut. “I never should have lied to you. I know that. But I love you, okay? That’s real. I’m real.” When you don’t reply, only watch him with misty eyes, he swallows roughly. “I love you.”

Hesitantly, you take his hand. It sends a jolt through your body, the both of you taking in a slight inhale.

“I’ll come.” You say, trying not to tense when his fingers curl instantly around your own, his thumb tracing the back of your hand. His blue eyes are soft and full of relief.

“Thank you.” Nikolai tightens his fingers on yours for a moment, his voice tight. He clears his throat when you tug away, a forced, slightly nervous smirk on his mouth as he relaxes into his seat. “So…matching boards this year?”

You snort, remembering his awful attempts at teaching you to snowboard a year or so ago during a similar trip.

“You have to stand up.” Nikolai laughs, lifting the visor of his helmet as you crouch in the snow, gripping the board below you for dear life. “It’s not a sled.”

“It’s whatever I say it is.” You grumble, raising an eyebrow at the prince. He reaches down and, as if you weigh nothing, scoops you up under the arms and sets you down in the powdery snow.

“You didn’t even bother to strap in.” He scolds as you beam, reaching up to wrap your arms around his neck. Nikolai’s helmet taps yours in a semblance of a kiss before he’s guiding you towards the warmth of the resort, the prospect of hot chocolate and fireplaces raising your spirits.

You smile involuntarily at the memory and shrug, fidgeting with the gold bracelet on your wrist. The both of you seem to realize it’s one he got you at the same time but, thankfully, he doesn’t comment. Pride still lingers in his tone when he speaks, though.

“I’ll pick you up for the airport, then?” Nikolai says, tilting his head to the side in that boyish way of his.

You bite your lip, worried you’ll regret this, but nod.

WELLLL WHAT COULD HAPPEN ON THIS TEIP?

[thebadgerclan]

Someday

Pairing: Nikolai Lantsov x reader

Requested by Anonymous

Summary: Someday, you will be his...

For as long as you could remember, you and Prince Nikolai had been the closest of friends.  You were the daughter of a nobleman, your position at court placing you close to the younger Prince from birth.  Your connection was innate and instant, your friendship growing fast.  And as you aged into a young lady and he into a young man, your friendship remained intact, the one sure thing in the chaos that was life in Ravka.

Then you’d enlisted, surprising everyone in your family.  Nikolai had pulled some strings to put you in the same unit as him, and for the next five years, you served at his side.  You were there when he took his first bullet, and when your feelings for your dearest friend began twisting into something more.  But he was a Prince, and you were…you.  He would wed for alliance, and you would wed for your family’s strength.  Love didn’t factor into the equation for either of you; it didn’t matter that you had fallen deeply and irrevocably in love with Prince Nikolai Lantsov.

***

Life had been turned on its axis.  The Darkling was in open revolt, the Grisha were fractured, and the Sun Summoner had returned to Ravka.  Prince Nikolai had returned to the Spinning Wheel with Alina Starkov in tow, both of whom were clearly ready for a fight.  You’d only had a few moments to reunite with your closest friend before all residents of the Spinning Wheel were summoned for a dinner, to celebrate the Prince’s return, as Queen Tatiana said.

As Nikolai’s lieutenant, you were seated at the Head Table, Alina to his left, and you to her left.  The meal had barely begun when Vasily made a comment about the Grisha, to which Alina quipped, “We are all Ravkan here.”  Nikolai rolled his eyes.  “It doesn’t need to be us versus them.”  The tension could be sliced with a dull knife, Alina stating that she would lead the Second Army if they needed a leader loyal to the Crown.

“Why should I believe you have any loyalty to my family?” Vasily asked, and Nikolai and Alina shared a heavy look.  Then he stood, raising his glass.  “Today marks the start of a new era of cooperation between Lantsovs and the Grisha,” he announced, and something in your stomach plummeted.  “I’m delighted to announce my engagement to Alina Starkov, the Sun Summoner, and new leader of the Second Army.  Together, we will build a better future for Ravka.”

He called for a toast, but you couldn’t bring yourself to raise your glass, much less force a smile.  The man you loved, unrequitedly, but loved nonetheless, was no longer yours, as if he ever had been.  Nikolai was engaged, he was Alina’s, and she was his.  The cheers of the crowd were suddenly too much to stand, and you stood, fleeing the room as you fought tears.  Vasily had left too, as had Alina’s tracker friend, but Nikolai only saw that you had left.

“Excuse me,” he said, both to his mother and to Alina, before following you.  “Y/N?  Y/N!”  Tears were flowing now, and you kept walking, wiping at your eyes.  “Y/N, stop!”  You didn’t, continuing until you met a dead end, resting your forehead against the stone wall.  Nikolai jogged to your side, laying a hand on your shoulder.  “What’s wrong?”

You sniffled.  “So that’s it?” you said.  “You’re engaged?”  “Y/N, you’ve got to understand, I-”  “You barely know her,” you shot, turning to face him.  “Alina is a good person,” he replied.  “She is kind, she…she will be a good wife.”  You wiped at your eyes again.  “I’m happy for you,” you said, and Nikolai cocked his head.  “Then why are you crying, Y/N?  Talk to me.”

You nearly growled.  “Why am I crying?  Because it hurts, Nikolai!”  Immediately, his eyes were scanning you for some injury, something that was causing pain.  “What?  What hurts?”  You spoke so softly, Nikolai did not hear.  “What was that?”  “Loving someone that doesn’t love you!”  The Prince was stunned by your words and he blinked.  “W-what?”

“I love you!” you cried, desperation filling your voice.  “I’ve loved you for years!  And you never saw me, and that was fine!  I could live with being your friend, even when I knew you’d have to marry someone who wasn’t me and leave me!  But now we’re at war and you’re engaged to the Sun Summoner!  And it hurts, Nikolai, it hurts!  And I…I…”

“Saints, Y/N,” Nikolai whispered, striding forward and pulling you into his arms, kissing you deeply.  You gripped him tightly, never wanting to let go.  He kissed you until your head was swimming, until your lungs were burning, until you were trembling in his arms, until you had to pull away for air.  “Y/N, I love you.”  You blinked at him, your noses bumping together.  “You do?”  “I do.  I’ve been in love with you since we were 14!  Since that boy told you that you should wear your corset tighter and you socked him in the nose.”

You barked out a laugh, unable to resist leaning in for another kiss.  “I’ve loved you since I watched you take a bullet and keep fighting.”  Nikolai smiled, kissing you again, and again, and again.  “But now you’re engaged,” you said.  “Sweet girl, that engagement is for alliances and appearances and we both know it.  I have no doubt that Alina’s in a corridor consoling her tracker right now.  Once we’ve won the war, we can break off the engagement and I’ll be free to court and woo you.  Which I fully plan on doing, by the way.”

You laughed again, pressing your forehead against his.  “I love you, Nikolai Lantsov,” you whispered, cupping his cheek.  “And I will always love you.”  “And I love you, Y/N L/N,” he whispered back, snaking an arm around your waist.  “Mark my words, I will make you my bride.  Someday.”  Someday, you liked that.  It was a promise, and it steadily became your mantra, as the war progressed.  Someday.

[chuuyasheaven]

Request; @imalittlebitlovedrunk ->“can you do 10 + 15 w/ nikolai ?? , they/them pronouns please :)”

Prompt/Number; 10: “You taste fuckin’ sweet, y’know that?” / 15: “You look so good in this dress, you'll look better when i rip it off of you, angel.”

Summary; Nikolai stops you from having a night out with your friends! <3

Warnings; Dom!Nikolai, sub!afab!Reader (they/them), teasing, fingering, Petnames, smudged make up, dacryphilia, etc.

Notes (from me); This may be ooc!Nikolai so yea, Enjoy! 💖 (update: HOW DID I JUST NOW FIND OUT HOW TO DO THIS SMALL FONT??? IM SO DISAPOINTED IN MYSELF..)

“Hey, dove! Wanna do some-”, Nikolai stopped talking the second he saw you.

You were standing in front of a mirror, applying lipstick, in the most beautiful dress he’s ever seen.

I mean, how could a dress capture your waist so perfectly?

“Oh, what’s the occasion, dear?”, Nikolai asked while looking at you, waiting for your response.

“I’m going out with my friends, Kolya. I’ll probably be away for an hour or two.”, you said, fixing your hair before leaving the bedroom.

Nikolai just watched you leave, then he ran after you because he realized you were leaving. (He’s so silly 😋)

Just when you reached the door, Nikolai catches up to you.

As he was blocking the door, you looked with slight confusion.

“Kolya, could you please move? I’m gonna be late.”, “But, dove, i want a goodbye! You didn’t think i was gonna let you leave without giving me a kiss?”, you sighed as you kissed him quick on the lips.

“Come on! Give me a kiss filled with love!”, Nikolai pouted, you did as he pleased.

You kissed him, longer than last time. Nikolai didn’t let go, while you waited for him to.

When you tried, he pulled you back by your chin. You saw no other way of getting out, so you had no choice but to leave him be.

As deeper the kiss got, you cared less. Nikolai moved you both to corner you on the wall. Now his hand was moving down to grab your leg, Nikolai lifted it to level his waist.

Finally, you parted your lips, a string of saliva connected your lips.

Catching your breath, Nikolai smirked as he noticed that this kiss smudged your lipstick.

That’s when he went down on your collarbone, leaving lipstick stains.

“N-nikolai, i have to go-”, “Fuck your friends, darling. You should spend this night with me instead. Besides, you look pretty in this dress, yes, but you’ll look better when I’ll rip it off of you. ”

You wanted to protest, but you felt your dress lifting up to your waist. With his skilled hand, Nikolai moved his hand back down gently, until he got to your panties.

He pulled them down, seeing you’re slightly wet.

“Oh my! Dove, you didn’t think of going out like this, right? It would be hard of not thinking of me, hm? Should i do anything about it or do you still wanna go out? It’s your decision.”, you looked away in embarrassment, making him even more amused.

“I assume you pick the first option? Don’t worry, dear, you can tell me.”, you were late anyways- would it really matter if you miss it once? Okay, just pull yourself together.

“..Please, f-fuck me, Kolya-”, you halfway finished your sentence and his two fingers were drilling into you.

In scissor motion too, he knew how crazy this makes you go. (But not crazier than him)

Anyway, he was pumping his digits in ‘n’ out of your cunt. Just when he pumped them out that last time, he took them out to taste your sweet slick.

“God, you taste so fuckin’ sweet, y’know that, dove?”, Nikolai then started taking off his undergarments, excited to see his cock, you got even wetter.

You let your head rest on his shoulder when he entered your pussy, with no problems. Geez, how were you so wet?

While he was entering though, you accidentally bit him, leaving a hickey.

Not that he cares, infact, he loved it.

This motivated him to start moving, since he was getting you ready earlier, it made you already sensitive.

Nikolai picked up the speed, desperate for his release. Not noticing that it was way to much for you. He noticed when he felt something wet on his shoulder, were you crying?

Indeed, you were.

Nikolai was overstimulating you, when you you couldn’t take anymore, the tears flowed. Not because of pain, it was because of the overwhelming pleasure you received from him.

Which was why you came faster than you normally would. You looked up to face Nikolai, he picked up his pace even more. Was he getting off from you crying because of his cock?

“Fuck! I’m close, dove..just keep on clinging on me like t-that!”, Nikolai moaned.

Just like he said, he came.

When you tried to control your breathing again, Nikolai rested his head on your shoulder.

“So, what about round two in the bedroom, darling? We still have the whole night, right?”

This was rushed, but i actually like this one! 🥳

[siilvan]

Could you please write a platonic fic with reader and Nikolai? Maybe with a little bit of peril involved so they are both worried for each other?

crash site

characters: nikolai

summary: after your pilot crashes in the middle of a war zone while trying to extract you, a reverse rescue mission ensues.

genre: general, gn!reader (bravo 0-5; no desc.)

warnings: semi-proofread, cursing, canon-typical violence, mild descriptions of injuries, inaccurate medical care, nik and reader get hurt, mutual worrying, i wrote this w/ a migraine i’m sorry

word count: 3.2k

note: anon i hope you know i love you for requesting something that i already sorta wanted to write

also so sorry this took so long, i hope you enjoy <3

you instinctively raise your gun when a bullet flies past and pierces the half-destroyed concrete wall just in front of you. various shouts in a language you can’t understand soon follow, and your heart races as you spin around to confront the enemy.

the mission was supposed to be simple. get into the city, take out the target, and get out without being compromised.

the first two objectives went without any trouble, but your escape was compromised the second the target’s body hit the ground. that’s how you ended up in this situation - with a single magazine in your gun, a city of armed men pursuing you, and no signs of backup in sight.

not to mention the approaching sandstorm, you mentally add to the list, blinking back tears as rough grains of sand whip around and obscure your vision.

you manage to take out the group actively giving chase, which then leads to your next problem: you’ve completely run out of ammo. even your sidearm was emptied as you fought through the small militia, and you lament the speech that price is going to give you about "being prepared" once you make it out.

vaulting over the short wall brings you to a city square. you crouch low near a stack of crates and building supplies, hoping that the chaos of the situation and the sandstorm would mask your presence to the various search parties nearby. you scan the area for any weapons while moving undercover; the last thing you need is to be caught without a way to defend yourself.

if you had a nickel for every time things did not go to plan today, you’d be rich enough to retire. a yell and a bullet landing near your feet signaled that, despite your best efforts, one of the parties spotted you.

you rise to your feet and lift your hands, praying that a surrender would buy you some time. the square fills up, and soon you’re stuck in place as several dozen guns are pointed right at you. there was no way you’d be getting out of this, even if you did miraculously find a weapon during your brief search.

the apparent leader of the group steps toward you, repeating some command - or, perhaps a question, you couldn’t tell - while the others slowly form a half-circle around you. several of the soldiers look antsy, hands twitching as they adjust their grips and rest their fingers against the trigger, like they were just waiting for an excuse to open fire. your stomach churns at the thought of someone getting a little too anxious.

your radio suddenly crackles to life for the first time since you confirmed the target’s death. at the same moment, a distant silhouette in the sky catches your eye. you focus on it and squint, trying to make it out through the ever-increasing cloud of sand, before a familiar voice catches your attention.

"0-5, get down!"

before you can even register who the voice belongs to, you follow the order and drop to your knees. the sound of heavy gunfire surrounds you immediately after, forcing you to lift your hands in an attempt to protect your head as every other person in the city square was gunned down. you bite back a panicked noise when the men closest to you are dispatched, worrying that whomever was in control would accidentally hit you, as well.

when the dust settles, both literally and figuratively, you cautiously lower your hands and lift your head again, scanning the area once more.

as expected, every soldier around you laid dead. some laid on their stomachs due to the unexpected ambush, others were on their backs after attempting to confront the source. your eyes flicked back to the sky, towards the silhouette you had seen before.

even through the sand and dust, you could make out the all-too familiar helicopter hovering near your position. it was a little unsteady, clearly a victim of the intense wind and debris in the air, but you grinned at the sight nonetheless.

"ace shots, nikolai." you let out a relieved laugh after reaching for your radio. "i’m surprised you can fly in these conditions."

"not for long, so let’s make this quick," he says, and you watch as the chopper attempts to land on one of the nearby roofs. "the storm will be here any minute. seems like i got here just in time, no?" he adds with a smug chuckle.

"i’ll be sure to send a thank-you card after this!" you huff and rush to the building he was landing on. for the first time today, things seem to be going according to plan; a ladder inside leads directly to the roof, which you quickly ascend with renewed vigor, and wait impatiently for the chopper to touch down.

you aren’t sure why, but a wave of cold dread washes over you once you reach the rooftop. your attention shifts from your escape to the nearby buildings and streets as you give your surroundings a once-over. surely it’s just adrenaline, you tell yourself.

you spot a figure in the window of a house just a block away. they’re kneeling behind the edge, eyes trained in your direction, pointing something directly at the building you were standing on top of. you stare at the mysterious object in their hands, until they carefully shift their aim a little higher. directly at nikolai, you realize just a second too late.

"watch out–!" you frantically shout into your radio. even if the weapon, which you now recognize as an RPG, hits the building and damages it, your chances of survival were far superior to nikolai’s own.

before your warning can reach him, however, a rocket is fired at the helicopter. you can only watch helplessly as it connects with the tail and sends the vehicle spiraling out of control. despite the damage, nikolai manages to maneuver it upwards while attempting to regain control. a second rocket is fired shortly after and hits the engine, stripping the pilot of any control as the vehicle practically falls from the sky. it crashes into the ground a decent distance away, and your stomach drops at the scene.

you scale the side of the building at breakneck speed and start towards the crash site, completely ignoring the eminent threat at your back as you pray for his safety. you didn’t care about empty guns, failed escapes, or compromised assassinations - you’d take a hundred of each before losing any of your teammates.

you’re swiftly given a cold reminder of your situation during your mad dash to nikolai. you duck into an alley and press your back against the wall as a team rushes down the street, no doubt heading to the same place as you. with a deep inhale, irritating your throat as sand and dust contaminates the air, you push off and follow their path.

come on, nik… you mentally beg the man. this is no way for you to die.

the combat knife tucked in your vest, your last line of defense, finds its home in the neck of one of the soldiers when you attack him from behind. you grab his rifle and dispatch the nearby soldiers, silently thanking the sandstorm for finally hitting the city in full force. it was impossible to see more than a few feet in front of you, but such was the same for the enemy.

"0-5… can you hear me?" a strained voice comes through your radio and just barely cuts through the raging storm. nikolai. thank god.

"i hear you– nik, what’s your status?"

a pained grunt and the sound of creaking metal answers your question. "i don’t think we will be flying out of here–" he cuts himself off with a sharp hiss. "i’m not sure i can even stand."

"i’ll get us out of here," you tuck yourself into the shadows again as a patrol passes by, the lights on their guns permeating through the dust cloud and highlighting their position. "just stay put for now. get to cover if you can, i’m on my way."

"the enemy will have me surrounded within minutes, 0-5. you cannot fight a militia alone."

you click your tongue and shake your head from side to side, as if he could see you. "i’m not leaving you, nikolai. i’ll sooner drag you out by my teeth than abandon you." a stiff laugh and a muttered comment about your "stubbornness" was his only response.

the group that previously passed you was now stopped in an intersection, exchanging words with another small party. you squint at them and manage to count eight in total. difficult, but manageable. you had the benefits of stealth and surprise on your side, at the very least.

with a slow inhale and exhale, you open fire on the group. you take out two of them before the others start their search, frantically pointing their guns in every direction. once again, the lights gave away their positions; your rifle didn’t have a flashlight, allowing you to stay concealed as you picked the remaining members off one by one.

you reach for your radio again after you confirm the kills. "still doing okay?" you ask, continuing towards his location.

a second passes before you get a reply. "i am still alive, at the very least," nikolai grunts softly, and you recognize the sound of not-so-distant voices through his radio. "they haven’t found me yet. too worried about you to conduct a proper search, i assume."

"hopefully i can reach you, then. it’ll be difficult, but it’s not impossible to slip by." you notice the crash site after rounding a corner and running a few more blocks. it was yet another area that resembled a plaza, with several soldiers dotting both the inside and the outskirts.

"be careful." he speaks slowly, and you push down the worry that stems from his tone. instead, you try to reassure him. "always am, nik. just try to keep your blood in until we get out of here."

you approach the entrance and quietly dispatch the trio standing in your way. judging by the sounds of panic that followed, the gunshots weren’t entirely drowned out by the winds. that’s fine, you inwardly boast. even if they investigate the noise, they’ll come up empty-handed; you move on before the alarm is even raised. weaving through their sights is easy enough, thanks to the soldiers’ scattered and uncoordinated paths. nonetheless, you take out as many as you safely can.

before long, you come across debris from the crash, and you follow it until the main body of the helicopter is visible. you physically cringe at its ruined state until a whisper-shout of your name from somewhere nearby catches your attention. doing your best to follow it, you shove some metal scraps - hot to the touch, even through your gloves - out of the way.

you have to choke back a relieved sigh when you finally locate nikolai, leaning against more of the wreckage while clutching his side.

"never been so happy to see you," you chuckle and reach for his free hand. with a soft grunt of effort, you pull him to his feet and guide him to rest his weight against you. "i’ve got you, just lean on me."

"we need to hurry…"

nikolai’s words are brushed off by your gentle shushing as you make for an exit - easier said than done with the state he’s in. "i know, i know… we’re almost there, just need to get out in one piece."

"you don’t understand–"

his warning is cut off by bullets whizzing past your legs. you regret brushing him off as your adrenaline is sent into overdrive, and you practically carry him out of the plaza. you search for cover before your eyes settle on a small house with boarded windows; inconspicuous, but you really don’t want to back yourself into a corner.

an acute pain in your shoulder makes you reconsider the latter concern. you stumble forward, tightening your grip on nikolai as he nearly collapses from the sudden movement, and resign to your fate.

your lungs are burning by the time you reach the building. you shove the door open and haul the both of you inside before kicking it shut again. cautiously, you scan the interior, fingers twitching as you prepare to grab the rifle slung over your shoulder. the house was meager, you realize; a small sitting area bordered an even smaller dining room, with a modest kitchen that was surely emptied a long time ago.

you stagger to the torn-up sofa in the sitting area and maneuver nikolai to lay on his back, apologizing under your breath at every pained noise that left his lips. the rifle is leaned against the wall as you shove a tall wooden shelf across the room to block the front door, creating a decent barricade.

well, "decent" was a generous description. it would buy you a precious few seconds, at most.

the sharp pain in your shoulder bleeds into an agonizing throb from the effort, and you desperately try to shake off the feeling. your minor injury didn’t matter right now.

"we don’t have much time," you say while shifting your focus back to nikolai. "i’ll patch you up as much as i can. no point in escaping if you bleed out, yeah?" you add with a forced chuckle, trying to ease the both of you. the only interior doors lead to a bedroom and bathroom, and you search both for any supplies.

following the apparent theme of this mission, the only useful items you find are fabric, some foam, and a basic first-aid kit. the kitchen and dining room are equally as frugal, with a half-emtpy bottle of alcohol and a pair of small metal rods as your only rewards.

"you’re not a medic," nikolai says, staring at you from the corner of his eye while you gather the supplies on a nearby table. you huff and begin looking over his injuries. "it’s me, or a grave. pick your poison." you briefly meet his gaze and smile. he concedes and remains silent as you continue the examination.

considering what he had been through so far, his injuries were surprisingly minor. the worst of it was a laceration on his forearm and a fracture below his knee. there was also the bruised and broken ribs, but you couldn’t do anything about those. the smaller cuts just needed to be disinfected and bandaged, depending on the severity - all things that you were perfectly capable of doing.

despite the bad luck, you managed to gather just enough to make a splint for his leg. a shitty splint, but it’s better than nothing.

you start with the fracture, doing what you can to stop the bleeding and disinfect the wound. he hisses in pain when you try to move his leg to apply the padding, and you mumble another apology. the rest of the process goes as smoothly as it can, given the circumstances. you manage to make the splint and wrap his lower leg with the cloth you found, securing it in place.

after checking the splint, you move on to his arm. the first-aid supplies included a suture kit that you were already loathing having to use. your hands shake as you prepare it and clean the wound, taking a deep breath and internally recoiling at the scent of blood.

the stitching is about as torturous as you expected, for nikolai more than yourself. he is remarkably calm, though the occasional grunt or groan still escapes his tightly pressed lips. you finish the procedure as quickly as possible for his sake, tying the thread off and cleaning the area again before wrapping it in the leftover bits of cloth.

"it’s not much, but it’ll suffice for now." you send him another smile. he breathes deeply and nods his head, inspecting your work.

"you are a better medic than i thought," he confesses and nods again. "i’ll definitely put in a good word with the captain." he chuckles softly. his gaze shifts to you, and you’re reminded of your own injury.

before he can say anything, you stand up and grab your gun from its spot. "i’ll be fine. we’ve already spent too much time here, anyway." you sling it over your uninjured shoulder and head to the wall opposite of the front door. the planks boarding the windows were weather-damaged and easy enough to pull off. you detach one and peek through the gap.

the street was quiet, thankfully. the soldiers must have lost track of you after you ducked into the house - at least, that’s what you hoped for. further down the street, you spot a car. your escape.

"see anything?" nikolai asks. you turn back and hum affirmatively.

"there’s a car down the road. if it has fuel, we can drive out of here."

"the militia won’t follow us outside of the city."

you nod towards him. "exactly. i’ll head over and check it out."

nikolai jolts upwards, before grunting and clutching one of his various injuries. "you’re not heading out there alone. the enemy could easily ambush and overwhelm you like they did before."

"it’ll be far faster for me to look at it alone," you argue while pulling the other planks off the window frame. "you can’t walk on your own, let alone fight, nik. this is our only option."

you swing one leg over the edge of the window and shoot a glance towards him. "i promise i won’t be gone for long."

the storm immediately takes you off-guard again, and you clutch your weapon close as you jog towards the car. it was an all-terrain vehicle, left behind by one of the militia groups. you check the fuel gauge and sigh a breath of satisfaction at the half-full tank of gas. best of all, the keys were left in the ignition.

must’ve abandoned it during one of the skirmishes, you think. those weren’t so unlucky, after all.

you head back to the house and find nikolai trying to lift himself from the sofa. "so impatient," you comment, pulling his arm over your shoulders and offering yourself as a support once more. "seems like the car is going to work. just a little further, nik."

he mutters something in russian that you assume is positive, based on his relieved tone, as the two of you head for the exit. both of you stumble towards the car together, fighting against the storm and your own exhaustion that is slowly but surely creeping in, ignoring the painful ache that plagues you from head to toe.

you get nikolai settled in the passenger’s seat before circling the hood and turning the keys in the ignition. the vehicle sparks to life, and every horrible twist and turn is all but forgotten as you speed down the street. the edge of the city isn’t terribly far from your current location, you can make it.

"it’s funny," you say, barely audible over the turbulent winds. "usually you are the one driving and saving our asses, but now the roles are reversed."

nikolai shakes his head. "one save does not make up for a hundred, 0-5. you still owe me." he replies with a self-satisfied grin, earning a frustrated curse from you as you cross the city border.

sure enough, the captain had his speech prepared before you even left the medical bay.

[lookwhatyoumademedohaha]

And that kids is, how I met your mother   Chapter 4 - Someone to Stay

You were alone, left out in the cold Clinging to the ruin of your broken home Too lost and hurting to carry your load We all need someone to hold

You've been fighting the memory, all on your own Nothing worsens, nothing grows I know how it feels being by yourself in the rain We all need someone to stay We all need someone to stay

Hear the fallen and lonely, cry out Will you fix me up? Will you show me hope? At the end of the day you were helpless Can you keep me close? Can you love me most?

Summary: You feel grief and loss keenly, the loss of innocence and family but as you confide your secrets to Nikolai Lantsov, you feel a beginning of a home in him. 

Pairing: Nikolai Lantsov x Reader, Nikolai Lantsov x Six of Crows Reader, Kaz Brekker x Reader, Zoya Nazyalensky x Reader (Platonic), Nina Zenik x Reader (Platonic), Genya Safin x Reader (Platonic)

Warnings: Pure tooth rotting fluff, angst and comfort, lots of humor, unrequited love that might be requited, denial, pining, mentions of death and violence, Kaz Brekker being an absolute asshole. 

A/N: Hi everyone! I’m very grateful for your kindness, love and support that encourages me to keep going! I apologize for the delay but here is the long awaited Chapter 4 to this work, you have all been waiting for patiently so thank you for your patience!  I hope you all like it and I’m excited! Let me know your thoughts and comments on my work because I really struggled through writer’s block on this one.

Let me know if you want a cast list for the below characters introduced! I’ve already made one, so I’m super excited. 

I love you all! Happy reading!

Chapter 1 - Until I Found Her

Chapter 2 - Labyrinth

Chapter 3 - Call it what you want

Chapter 5 - Cornelia Street

Nikolai sat lazily on the couch as he listened to Zoya, Genya, Tamar, Tolya and David converse animatedly by the fireside with coffee and brandy after a long day of meetings as the rain fell outside. Nikolai felt content as he listened to Zoya and Genya argue about blonde or brunette hair, simple and ordinary things and his hazel eyes naturally found and fell on you. Nikolai smiled softly and warmly as he drank in the sight of you lay your legs on Nina’s lap as she read a book while you were completely focused and dedicated to sketching something in your sketchbook. Nikolai gazed at you in wonder and adoration because you looked absolutely beautiful, your brow furrowed in concentration, your eyes gleaming with imagination and reminiscence and your face glowing with relaxation and thoughtfulness. 

Nikolai’s thoughts were interrupted by a sharp nudge to his ribs as he looked at Zoya who was looking at him with a knowing look “When are you going to ask her out?”

“I - what - no - “

“Please spare us all and tell her how you feel. Or at least ask her out on a date.” said Genya wearing a knowing expression as she grinned teasingly exchanging subtle looks with Zoya as they remembered their bet “Your pining and puppy dog eyes are getting sad to watch. And besides, she’s been out and about with certain people who have eyes on her.”

Nikolai sat up a little straighter, his expression one of pure curiosity as he looked at his friends “Who?

“Well, the lords and ladies of the Ravkan Court are quite bold in their advances toward her, inviting her to parties and picnics but there is one in particular who is determined to pursue a romantic relationship with her... Duke Dimitri Theronton.” informed Zoya in a matter - of - fact voice with a knowing gleam in her eyes as she looked at Nikolai who looked absolutely jealous as his fists clenched in anger. “He has been around Y/N quite a lot accompanying her to his parties, horse races and inviting her for walks and picnics. He’s infatuated with her.”

Nikolai knew Duke Dimitri Theronton who had been one of Vasily’s best friends and had bullied Nikolai in his childhood, accompanying his brother to Caryeva indulging himself in the pleasure of women and horses, wild parties and drunk debauchery. A pit of protectiveness grew within him at the thought of the wild and flirtatious Duke who slept with men and women he tossed aside thoughtlessly after using them, being within an inch of your presence.  

“If you don’t do something soon, you might lose your chance with Y/N.” encouraged Genya with a twinkle in her eyes as she winked at Zoya as they both observed Nikolai’s jealous and protective expression at the mention of Duke Theronton who was wooing you “You need to man up, Nikolai.”

“Man up? I’m sorry but I don’t see gender, sir.” replied Nikolai sassily as he looked at Genya who rolled her eyes at him and he sighed “I do really like Y/N but I can’t make her choice for her.”

“Okay but you at least need to show her that you are an option. If you don’t, she won’t know that you are a choice.” replied Zoya honestly as she leaned back on her armchair because she was not going to lose her money to Nina. “Why don’t you ask her out... just the two of you? Please just do it and spare us the suffering.”

“And the loss of money.” piped in David with a glint in his eyes while Genya tried to shush him and Zoya shot him a fierce glare. “There’s so many bets on both of you so you have to get your act together, Nikolai because Genya can’t lose her bet to Nadia and Nina and Zoya can’t lose her money to Nina, Tamar and Tolya, and Tamar can’t lose her money to Tolya.”

Nikolai cocked his head as he looked at his friends with indignation and amazement as he spluttered understanding dawning on his face “Are you betting on me and Y/N? How long has this been going on?” 

“I mean, it has been going on for a long time. Everyone is in on it even the servants and the council.” said David helpfully as he scribbled on his notebook “They all know you really like her because you look at her like an unsolved equation you want to solve.”

“This is outrageous!” exclaimed Nikolai feeling heat creep up to his cheeks in humiliation and embarrassment at the thought of his own subjects betting on his personal life and glared at Genya and Zoya “I assume you two are responsible for this mess!”

“It started as harmless fun between just a few of us but then the rest of the palace wanted to join in. It has turned into a very large betting pool.” explained Genya with a wide grin as she looked at Nikolai’s wide eyes of surprise while Zoya hid a smirk “Zoya handles the betting pool of the Little Palace. I handle the betting pool of the palace staff and Tamar handles the betting pool of the others who joined in.”

“I cannot believe you are betting on my love life! In fact I cannot believe the whole palace is betting on my love life!” exclaimed Nikolai in frustration and embarrassment as he stamped his foot in childish petulance. 

“Oh grow up. It’s just a bit of good fun to pass the time.” said Zoya easily with a smug smirk “Go ask Y/N out and win Nina and me three bets, won’t you?”

“I’m leaving.” announced Nikolai gathering the pieces of his broken dignity as he huffed and walked away from his friends amused laughter making his way toward you who had moved toward another sofa, far away from the fireplace. 

Nikolai’s heart fluttered as you looked up and smiled at him as he sat next to you “Hello darling. You could have joined us.”

You smiled at him as you stopped sketching and looked at him fondly “I just... I just wanted to be alone.”

Nikolai’s heart dropped as he saw quiet reminiscence and sadness dancing in your eyes “Oh. Shall I leave?”

“No. Stay with me.” you said firmly as you reached out for his hand and squeezed it gently, the warmth and tenderness of his hand seeping and mingling with yours as your fragile heart begged him to not leave you alone. 

Nikolai felt glad and happy knowing that he would give you anything you asked as he moved toward you and smiled when you placed your legs on his lap lazily and he lightly placed his hand on your ankles as he looked at you in curiosity and deep fondness “I’ll never leave you. I didn’t see you at all today, sweetheart. I almost sent search parties to look for you. I was worried. Where were you?”

“I spent the whole day in the chapel praying to the Saints and thinking. Then I went to the kitchen and had the prettiest cake. After that I went for a long walk out in the palace grounds and I just sat in the gardens until it got dark. Until Nina found me in the rain.” you said thoughtfully and quietly as you rubbed a butterfly crested ring on your finger “It was nice.”

Nikolai was surprised as he looked at you focus on your sketching again as he questioned in curiosity because he knew you weren’t particularly religious and your activities today felt slightly different “Why were you in the chapel?” 

“Come, my little butterfly. Let’s get you to bed and I’ll tell you a story. One that ends happily ever after.”

“It’s my father’s birthday.” the words slipped out of your mouth before you could stop them as your eyes widened in shock at how easily you had confided this well kept secret to Nikolai whose hazel eyes sparkled with tender affection and soft understanding as he realized why you had done what you had done “I wanted to... I wanted to talk with him and celebrate his birthday with him, I suppose.”

You scoffed as you thought of how stupid you were “I’m so stupid. Throwing a birthday party for a dead father -”

But Nikolai placed his hand upon yours, his face etched with gentleness and tenderness as he looked at you with sincerity “It’s not stupid. It’s the most wonderful thing that you didn’t forget him. Your father is absolutely lucky to have you as a daughter.”

You smiled gratefully as you blinked back unshed tears as you looked away from Nikolai and focused on finishing your sketch and after a long moment, Nikolai who was full of curiosity because he wanted to know all about you, what your family was like and what you were like when you were a little girl as he asked “You don’t have to answer... but what was your father like?”

“My father...  I am told that he was a gangster who ran one of the most feared gangs in Ketterdam.” you said with a wide grin, your eyes twinkling in pride and amusement at how Nikolai’s jaw dropped in shock and amazement “He was a son of a Ravkan aristocratic family that ran away to find his fortune in Ketterdam and built himself a reputation in Ketterdam  as a violent and clever gangster who killed ruthlessly and instilled fear in his enemies, always ten steps ahead of them. No one dared to look at him the wrong way or they’d be cut, killed, murdered, shot and butchered whether they were innocent or guilty. Everyone called him mad and cold, ambitious and dark, cruel and vengeful man in a position of power and privilege who was the bringer of death and destruction.”

Nikolai was completely stunned and shocked as he stared at you with amazement and astonishment realizing that you were the daughter of a Ravkan born aristocrat who had become a feared gangster in Ketterdam and wondered what your childhood was like. He wondered whether your childhood was filled with violence and bloodshed, tears and pain as he stared at you in surprise. He couldn’t imagine your father as a notorious killing machine but yet the more he looked at you, the more it became certain that you were not afraid of your father. 

You smiled fondly at the memories of your father. He was a cold and cruel man to the rest of the world but he was the best father to you and your brother. Your father loved your brother unconditionally but he had always wanted a daughter so when you came along, he had doted on you with overwhelming affection and love. You remembered your father coming back home from work with a big smile on his face as he hugged you and held you in his arms as he told you how much he missed you. 

You heard the wheels of the carriage roll up the driveway as you raced your brother through the house in excitement and happiness at your father coming back home ignoring your mother’s shouts to stop running down the stairs as you ran out of the house and up to the carriage with a bright grin “Daddy!”

Out of the carriage stepped a handsome man made of cold steel and sharp edges dressed in all black but his hard face softened immensely as he smiled adoringly and lovingly at the sight of his beautiful daughter running toward him, feeling grateful to be alive as he hugged his precious daughter tightly in his arms. 

His daughter never knew how much he had missed holding her in his arms as he beamed brightly, his cold heart warm and happy as he took a good look at his daughter making sure she was healthy and unharmed, stroking her pretty hair that curled down to her shoulders. 

“Hello my Y/N! Come here, let me look at you! I missed you. I missed you so much, my sunshine.” confessed your father sincerely and lovingly, his heart full of gladness and affection as he cupped her chubby rosy cheeks in his hands, his eyes twinkling with warmth as he placed a loving kiss on her forehead. 

Your father would never miss an opportunity to carry you in his arms, holding the weight of you in his arms as he pressed kisses on your cheek and forehead adoringly. He’d tuck you to bed and read you stories in silly voices making you giggle and sing you lullabies until you fell asleep and stay by your side holding your little hand in his as he stared at you with overwhelming love as you slept. Your father would play games of hide and seek and pirates and privateers, princesses and dragons with you and your brother, his eyes gleaming with mischief and his expression one of good natured laughter. He’d hold your little hand in his as you both took long walks in the countryside as you chattered happily to him and he listened with a happy smile. 

Your father let you sit on his lap as he read his newspaper and his study where no one was allowed to enter, you were the exception as he let you sit on his lap as he read his documents and talked with you. When you were sick, your father would hold you in his arms and yell at the doctor to be careful with you and do their best and stay by your bedside as he held your hand gently and kindly. Your father was a gangster and yet he’d participate in your tea parties, style your hair, play with your dolls and beautiful dollhouse that he’d gift you every time he’d come back from Ketterdam. 

The world believed that your father was a man of cruelty but to you he was the man who cleaned and bandaged your first bruises and wounds and kissed them better gently as he advised you that pain only makes you stronger. Your father was the man who would never miss any of your birthdays, always celebrating each one extravagantly with beautiful iced cake as he wrapped his arm around you while you blew the candles and made a wish. He was a devoted and doting father who doted upon you showering you with pretty dresses of the latest fashion, sketch books and paintbrushes, the most beautiful dolls, puzzles and books for you to read. He was the man who had taught you to ride a horse and climb trees and fight with your bare hands and sewed buttons on your coat. When your father discovered your talent for art, he encouraged it. Your father encouraged your love of learning and was determined to teach you more about the world. 

“But my father made sure we lived far away from Ketterdam in the countryside, away from the violence and death. Family meant everything to him... it was his shelter from the storm. He was cold and cruel to the rest of the world but when he was home with us, he was nothing but loving and warm father who’d smile and laugh and play little practical jokes and spring surprises on us.” you recalled with a happy and fond smile as you thought of your father who hugged you warmly and danced with you around the house with a bright smile, spinning you in your brand new dress. “I know you won’t believe me but he was the best father in the world. I loved him so much and he loved me more than I deserved.”

Nikolai’s heart softened at the wholesome picture of a notorious gangster adoring his daughter with all heart and spoiling her as he replied “I’ll be truthful. If anyone else told me that, I wouldn’t believe them. But I believe you.”

“Why?”

“Your eyes. You remember him with so much love that it’s impossible to think that your father never loved you.” said Nikolai honestly and sincerely as your heart skipped a beat at how much he knew you and saw the smallest things you tried to hide and the world didn’t see “You can always tell a father’s merit in the way their child’s eyes light up and they talk about them. Your eyes sparkle happily and you talk about him as if he treated you better than a royal princess with so much love and warmth that you never felt left out and lonely.”

You were surprised at how much Nikolai understood you as you gazed at him in wonder and astonishment as you hesitated and contemplated on letting him on a secret you had never told anyone, not the Crows, not even Kaz as you finally looked at him and decided to take the leap of faith “My father loved me as his own. And that was impressive considering that... that... I was never his.”

Nikolai’s eyes widened in surprise as he saw you look at him vulnerably with sacred trust and faith mingled with fear of rejection and Nikolai understood how you were feeling better than anyone as he was filled with curiosity and understanding as he inquired “What do you mean?”

“You know, my father was known in Ketterdam as a man who would do a job at any cost. A man who didn’t care about the lives he took as long as it served his purpose. One stormy night, he found a baby girl on the steps of his office. Whoever left me there must have hoped that my father would kill me and get rid of me instantly.” you said as pain and hurt flashed in your face but your eyes twinkled with gratitude and amazement as you thought of your father who was not your flesh and blood that had chosen to love you instead of hurt you “My father thought I was a trap or a lost child at first but he decided to keep me and raise me as his own daughter.”

Nikolai’s eyes widened as his heart swelled in amazement and surprise at how caring and loving of a heart your father must have had to adopt and unconditionally love a child who was not his own flesh and blood. His breath caught in his throat as he realized that you were stripping down your walls as you confided your deepest secrets in him, the fact that your parents had abandoned you to die at a hands of a feared gangster but fate had a different plan for you. His heart sank in dismay and anger at the thought of your parents leaving you heartlessly as a baby girl in front of the doorstep of the most feared and ruthless gangster believing that he would dispose of your life mercilessly and pain clenched through him as he realized that you had been abandoned from birth. Nikolai met your vulnerable and hurt, soft and sincere gaze as he squeezed your hand gently amazed at the kind heart that the ruthless gangster had possessed to take in you as his own and raise you with so much love and affection and wondered why his own father couldn’t do the same. His own father who was of noble birth, a king, could not come to love Nikolai as his own child and be proud of him but a gangster with blood on his hands had loved you endlessly as his own. 

“Your father sounds amazing. Do you ever miss your real parents? Have you tried searching for them?” asked Nikolai in curiosity, not missing the hurt and anger that flashed in your eyes at the mention of your birth parents. 

“They left me to rot and die with no regard for my well being. Why would I search for the very people who abandoned me?” you shot back fiercely and passionately as your arms curled around yourself protectively as you felt tears spring up in your eyes. “I had real parents... I had my father and my brother. That was enough for me.”

“Daddy is home. Cake and cookies every night!”

“Your father sounds very different from mine.” confessed Nikolai honestly and sincerely as he felt your fingers intertwine with his gently and warmly as he thought of his own father who had never shown pride for him “Your father made you feel like you belong to him and never unloved and alone. You never had to earn your place in your family. Your father loved you from the moment he saw you. He took you as his own and never treated you any differently. You came into his life as a daughter and he never saw you as anything else.”

You were taken aback in surprise because Nikolai had understood your relationship with your father very well as he continued in quiet exhaustion and pain he tried to hide behind a bright smile “My father, the King of Ravka who was meant to represent everything good and noble always made me feel like I had no place in this world. I was never his son, always treated as a lowly and different bastard son who was of no interest and pride to him. Everything I had to do, I did to work hard to just earn a word of praise or a smile, earn all his love from him and try to belong to him.”

You didn’t understand why tears pricked your eyes but some part of you deep down understood how Nikolai felt as you held his hand in both of your hands wishing that his father was alive so you could grant him a slow and painful death as you thought of your own childhood when your mother had found pleasure in revealing that you were not their own flesh and blood. But then you remembered how your father had found you crying in the stables, as he told you the truth and reassured you that no matter what you didn’t owe him anything, he loved you from the moment he first saw you and that no matter what, you were always his daughter. 

You had your father comfort you and chase away the loneliness with his warmth and love but Nikolai had been alone for so long with no one to show him that he was wrong about himself. 

You remembered something that your father had said to you a long time ago as you looked at Nikolai who looked so lost and pained as you said softly “I’ll tell you something and I want you to remember it carefully. You don’t owe your family anything. You don’t owe anyone anything, Nikolai. Nikolai, you never should have had to earn your place in your family, bastard or blood. You came into your father’s life as a son and it was his place to love you endlessly. Love is not something that is earned. And you deserve all the love in the world, Nikolai.”

“Your father was wrong and heartless. Your whole family was completely wrong in making you feel as if you never belonged in your own home.” you said softly in distress and pain as you wrapped your arms around him tightly and hugged him “It’s not your fault. You are good enough. You were always good enough.”

Nikolai’s heart swelled with emotions that he thought he had locked up and moved on from as tears sprang into his hazel eyes as he blinked them, burying his head on your shoulder as he held you tightly in his arms, afraid that if he let you go, you would vanish. Nikolai felt a heavy burden lifted off his heart at hearing those words said with such raw sincerity and truth that he couldn’t help but choke back a sob because he didn’t understand how much his soul needed to hear that it wasn’t his fault, that he was good enough until now. 

You hugged Nikolai tightly as you buried your head on his shoulder as you felt his tears fall onto the fabric of your dress as you whispered “Hey... I got you.”

For some reason, this made Nikolai laugh in amusement and comfort as he smiled into your shoulder amidst the tears and then after a few moments broke away from you. There was a long moment of silence as you looked at Nikolai in concern and realized he wanted to be alone with his thoughts as you returned back to your sketch while he stared into the space thoughtfully. 

After a long moment, Nikolai broke the silence with a question “But you must have felt lonely. I mean, you had your brother but was it just both of you in the house?”

You thought of the big house that you grew up in. It had been empty and cold at times but you remembered mostly the warmth, light and laughter that spilled out of it whenever your father had company over. Your father’s closest group of fearsome and terrifying friends in his gang occupied the house most of the time when they weren’t busy maiming, killing, torturing, destroying and hurting people. But these people weren’t criminals to you, they were the closest thing you had to aunts and uncles who were incredibly fond of you. 

These people took care of you since you were a baby and they were the only family you ever knew. Uncle Sebastian was your father’s right hand man and second in command but you knew him as your godfather and playful uncle who was a very good sharpshooter that taught you how to handle guns, had the craziest ideas for pranks and spoiled you with cuddles and presents. Your father would recall with a fond smile how Uncle Sebastian would never leave your side once you were found and stayed by your side telling you stories and making you giggle and had difficulty leaving you until your father physically had to push him out of the house. There were times you did feel alone despite being surrounded by such love and warmth and you would tell Uncle Sebastian how you felt knowing that he of all people would understand. 

Your Uncle Minjun was calm and composed, always well dressed and smiled that pleased smile of love around his wife, Aunt Ari and a reserved fond smile for you. You had always respected Uncle Minjun who was well - educated and wise on very many great matters and one of your father’s closest advisors. You and your brother would listen with rapt attention and great pleasure his stories about his time at University of Ketterdam studying law. He’d encourage you and your brother’s love for learning and curiosity and encouraged you to experiment and explore. Your brother and you were curious as to how to build a bomb? Say no more, Uncle Minjun was your man. Your brother nurtured a fascination for flowers and plants? Don’t worry, Uncle Minjun was there to teach him how to grow and landscape a garden, providing him plenty of books about nature. Your brother voiced that he wanted to perhaps study International Relations at the University of Ketterdam? Uncle Minjun would place a stack of books for beginner’s in International Relations and provide a recommendation list of tutors who he thought could help him. You were fascinated with art? Oh Uncle Minjun had your back, bringing you books on art and art history and taking you to art exhibitions with Aunt Ari. If there was anyone who took a serious interest in your education as much as your father, it was your Uncle Minjun. In a world where the education of girls was not taken seriously, Uncle Minjun was one of the strongest advocates to your father voicing that you were a bright, smart and sharp girl, dismissing your mother’s opinions on the fact that you should marry and listening to your own opinions and treating you as an equal. It was because of him, your father had the finest governesses to teach you and keep you company and report your progress to him and Uncle Minjun who was so proud of you. 

Uncle Yuri was one of your favorites. While Uncle Minjun favored the indoors, sitting in a nice library, Uncle Yuri favored the great outdoors climbing trees and swimming in lakes. You had learned that Uncle Yuri was a demolitions expert for your father and could blow anything up and had helped you and your brother with Uncle Minjun to build bombs and grenades in a safe environment. His silly faces and jokes rivaled his husband, Uncle Sebastian’s making you giggle and laugh. Uncle Yuri had an easy and lovely smile and was playful and good natured always taking you and your brother outside to play and have picnics, long walks, feeding the ducks, swims, and carrying you on his shoulders as he chattered with you and your brother. Uncle Yuri and Uncle Sebastian often babysat you the most, Uncle Sebastian letting you get into mischief and Uncle Yuri being the sensible one. Whenever Uncle Yuri entered the house, you would be ready with a hug and he would make you try to catch the latest hat he was wearing with a mischievous grin as he watched you jump up and down for it but in the end relented and placed it on your head every time. But Uncle Yuri was kind - hearted and earnest always insisting that if there was anything wrong, you could confide in him.

Uncle David was another constant presence in your home with his dry sense of humor, wide smile and strength. He was a strong and calm gentleman but whenever he was with you, he became childish and playful. He snuck in snacks, cookies, donuts, iced cupcakes that both of you shared while sitting next to each other and listening to gossip as you both exchanged sassy glances, he slapped or scolded anyone who kept a weapon within your vicinity, spoiled you with the prettiest and most expensive dresses, dolls and books as he competed with your uncles and aunts on who could get you the best presents, danced with you spinning you around to the music, defending you sassily when your mother made a passive aggressive remark about you, competing with you in races and childish games they held and voicing his pride in you whenever you painted art or mastered a difficult task. You remember him losing his temper and nearly blowing off Uncle Minjun’s and Uncle Yuri’s heads when he found out that they had taught you how to handle knives and blow up things. He was very protective of you when it came to boys and bonded over it with the rest of your uncles, father and brother. If he saw you talking to a boy, he would assess their prospects for the future, their character and recommend that no one was good enough for you which your father agreed with. Although he was protective, he was fiercely loyal and brave and stood up for what he believed in. 

In your memory, Aunt Maya was the most stunning and beautiful woman you had come across. She possessed entrancing purple eyes, dark skin, and a smile that enchanted everyone. Aunt Maya was a very powerful Grisha who possessed the remarkable powers of a squaller, a heartrender, a healer, an inferni, a fabrikator and a tidemaker. Her powers as a fabrikator and tidemaker were her weakest but the rest of her abilities were absolutely wonderful and powerful. From a young age, you understood the utmost importance of keeping her unique abilities a secret. Being a Grisha was one thing, being a Grisha who could channel different powers and abilities with ease and grace was dangerous in the world. Aunt Maya was a beautiful woman with a gorgeous smile who always wore the most divine dresses and high heels. Aunt Maya was faithful and loyal to your father who had helped her escape bounty hunters and given her safety and protection within his gang. Aunt Maya loved you as her own, telling you stories about Grisha and their abilities, about the Darkling and the Fold, the power of the amplifiers, Morozova and his work, the universe and the greed of men, the lives of the Saints and her life at the Little Palace before she became a target marked as dangerous. 

Aunt Natalia was soft and sweet, your godmother. She was a soft spoken spy who was quiet most of the time and could never hear her footsteps when she approached you. But when attacked or provoked, she had the fiercest temper and strongest spirit you knew. Everyone admired her cleverness and kindness and the willingness to do what needed to be done no matter what the cost and her innocent and sweet demeanor often deceived many into thinking she was harmless when she was very dangerous. Aunt Natalia, your godmother was the mother your mother never was to you. She always let you sit on her lap and always made sure you ate your meals on time, played with you and took walks with you, yelled at you whenever you did something stupid and risky like scaling your house when you were once left alone. She admired your paintings and became excited whenever you did anything, talked with you about everything and nothing, played peacemaker when you and your brother fought with each other and made you both promise to always put it each other first, and sewed you pretty dresses of the latest fashion and knitted you and your brother countless socks, scarves and sweaters you didn’t have the heart to say no to. She took care of you, showering you with plenty of hugs and kisses adoringly. 

Aunt Holly was the fun aunt who always livened up the house with her merry presence and jolly smile. She always had her weapons on her at all times from her knives, her revolvers and her other discreet weapons that she would use properly. She was the aunt who loved food with all her heart so when she was around, she’d take charge of the kitchen and cook meals. You had heard stories of her work as an assassin, of how once she had fought off a gang of men with only a frying pan and killed slavers with a flower pot. Aunt Holly was the aunt who let you have your first shot of kvas secretly, who taught you to handle knives, who taught you how to walk the tightrope and glide so silently on your feet and hide in the shadows. Holly taught you how to climb and scale buildings and leap off from one roof to another, one tree branch to another and use lockpicks to break in and out of rooms. Holly was the aunt your father despaired having around because you would love listening her recount exciting stories of gang wars and bloodshed in Ketterdam and different strategies of how to blend in and steal a wallet. You found it all very fascinating and that worried your father who wanted you away from this life as possible. When your father and your godfather had seen you balancing yourself on a ledge, trying to walk without fear, they nearly had a heart attack as everyone shouted at you to get down but Aunt Holly laughed and encouraged you to continue without any fear. 

Aunt Ari was an absolute fashionista always dressed to impress and kill. She was cheerful and bright, clever and cruel in her own way. She was a powerful heartrender who loved torturing men with her abilities and was able to extract information from them. Aunt Ari taught you Shu and talked with you in Shu most of the time. Aunt Ari liked telling you stories from her travels around the world and reading you stories as she tucked you to bed. She loved answering your wild questions with wildly imaginative and beautiful answers without laughing at you. She was a talented and gifted musician who had a talent for beautifully singing. She encouraged you and your brother’s love of music. Although you loved music, you were not a gifted pianist like your brother became under your Aunt Ari’s tutelage. Your brother had a wonderful talent for playing the piano and singing. You often played duets with Aunt Ari and your brother but you didn’t feel that you were good enough of a pianist. Aunt Ari didn’t give up on you presenting you with various instruments until you came across the violin that had belonged to her sister who had passed away that was untouched since her death. Aunt Ari who had seen you eye it longingly, had let you touch it and learn to play it. The moment you learned to play it, you loved every moment of playing the violin and became incredibly good at it. It gave you the peace that painting gave you. You loved how when you started to play the violin, everything else faded away and you felt you could reflect peacefully. As you mastered the violin, Aunt Ari would watch your progress with a proud expression, blinking back tears of joy in her eyes at seeing you finally bring music to the world with her sister’s violin. 

Aunt Adira was the thief and charming temptress with a warm smile that distracted many people while the real work took place. You remembered her warm hugs and her stories of her own family that she had lost when she had been taken by slavers. Ketterdam had been hell to her but she had made a bargain with your father who had paid her indenture and freed her as she sharpened her skills as a thief and a charming spy who listened quietly and patiently for information and extracted important information for your father to use against his enemies. Adira was full of kindness always helping anyone out anyway she could and full of faith in the Saints. She prayed to the Saints every day and taught you prayers to Saints. No one understood how she kept faith in a faithless world but she had once confided that faith was her peace in the chaos of the world. Adira treated you and your brother with such sweetness and kindness, sometimes you would see her eyes stare at you both in wistfulness and misty tears. You didn’t know it then but your father had confided in you that both of you reminded her of her children that the slavers had taken separating her from them and was still searching for. Aunt Adira was fierce and steadfast in her spirit, fighting for what was right and standing up for what she believed in and spoke up when she thought someone was wrong. She was true to her values and often showered you with hugs and kisses, food and flower crowns.

Tag, you’re it. Take care of them, would be the motto that they passed on when one of them left you and your brother in the care of another.  

You would describe your home as a mad house full of laughter and good times. Birthdays were celebrated with extravagance and happiness with presents exchanged and wishes made on the candles of the prettiest cakes, dinner parties where stories were exchanged over drinks and food were hosted, dances where your uncles would each take turns dancing with you, the discussions where swearing was prohibited and words such as murder and torture were substituted with kid friendly words, evening tea and midnight feasts with the guns and knives lying on the table as they held you in their arms and kept you far away from weapons, warm days where your aunts and uncles would play with you and your brother outside, and rainy days where theatricals and pranks, paintings and music were ever present in the home with tremendous love, laughter and hugs. 

“Not really. I had my aunts and uncles - my father’s closest friends in his gang who visited most of the time. It never felt lonely with them around... it felt like a mad house.” you said as you remembered the loud raucous laughter whenever a prank was pulled and the bright smiles that lit up the atmosphere “There was always some prank pulled, some game played, someone yelling, running around and laughing, bonfire nights and garden parties, and dinners and birthdays celebrated... having the time of our lives.”

Nikolai smiled at the description of the very warm and cozy house as he pictured a family full of vengeful gangsters laughing and having the time of their lives with children who didn’t know loneliness and emptiness but only knew love and warmth as he looked at you in interest “What happened to them?”

“Some of them died. Some of them... I think they are alive... but I don’t know. The rumors I’ve heard of them suggest that  some of them are still alive and out there but I don’t want to hope.” you said tired and exhausted as you closed your eyes thinking of all the rumors and whispers you had heard of their whereabouts even though they had faded away long time ago. 

You simply had given up hope for a happy ending. 

When Nikolai inquired their names, you paused for a moment hesitantly and told him. Nikolai gasped audibly because the names you had just revealed to him were cautionary tales told to the children of Ravka and ghost stories whispered aboard his ship about the Order of the Dark Knights. Nikolai knew that you grew up with gangsters but he couldn’t quite comprehend and wrap his head around the fact that you grew up around the most feared and dangerous gangsters in Kerch and all of the world before the Crows came into the scene. He couldn’t believe that your father was the feared and revered leader of the Order of the Dark Knights who had blood on his hands and each tale more gruesome and fearsome than the last. Nikolai grew up hearing stories about each member who was uniquely talented and dangerous that no child should emulate, certainly not a Ravkan aristocrat. Nikolai had been fascinated with the thieves who set themselves apart with their ability to shed blood and fearsome talents. The last Nikolai heard of the Order of the Dark Knights was that they were burned to death in their leader’s house by an enemy. There were rumors someone had betrayed the gangster’s location and rumors that some members were still alive and stayed hidden undercover even today waiting for the right moment to rise. That they didn’t really die that night. 

Nikolai looked at you and then understanding dawned upon him as his eyes widened “Y/L/N. Your last name is a fake one, isn’t it? You wouldn’t be so stupid as to take your father’s last name in Ketterdam and paint a target on your back.”

You smiled in amazement and astonishment wondering how Nikolai got you so perfectly, your eyes twinkling in mischief and reminiscence at the last name you had adopted from your imaginative mind “My first name is my real one. But I’m surprised at how well you know me. My last name is a fake one. Life isn’t easy when you realize that your father has many enemies who’d want to take their revenge on him by hurting him.”

“My sunshine, rule number one... please don’t ever become me.”

Nikolai remembered how his mother would tell him stories of your father’s ruthless ways. Your father was a story that intrigued Nikolai, the story about the heir who grew up in one of the most prominent and wealthy Honorable Aristocratic Houses of Ravka that was known for its nobility and purity of bloodline and everlasting loyalty to the Crown of Ravka to the point of blind following. The parents of this family had been rumored to be cold and heartless, grooming the children to be the perfect and invincible soldiers and subjects of Ravka and the children were seen as an example of perfection in every manner.

Of the particular family your father was the oldest and he had a younger brother, both eligible young bachelors who held positions of power and privilege in the Ravkan Court. But while the youngest was too happy to oblige and follow the rules, the heir of the family, the oldest brother rebelled and questioned the rules in place and how they were unfair to the poor. There were rumors of him being punished for simply visiting the poor and understanding the Grisha and mingling with them and becoming friends with the outcasts and the hungry. 

The final string snapped when the heir of this prestigious family stepped to defend a soldier who was a scapegoat for treason against the King by a larger force. He was considered a traitor to the country when he pleaded a pardon for his long time friend, a poor man, a soldier who had been wrongfully accused of treason and sentenced to death. But your father could not let injustice of this country stand as he finally decided to act upon and decide who he was once and for all as he plotted and freed the soldier from his chains in the dungeons and a dangerous Grisha girl who had been locked in there for a long time just because her power was one no one else understood. Your father ran away in the night with the soldier and the Grisha girl escaping to Ketterdam where he started a new life climbing the criminal ladder with two faithful and loyal friends. 

The soldier was none other than your godfather and father’s best friend, Sebastian and the dangerous Grisha girl who escaped alongside them was your Aunt Maya. 

Your father hated the lot of them just as much as they hated him. He was burned from the family tree after been marked as a traitor and no one in his family spoke his name for he disgraced him with his act of treachery and the acts he committed as the leader of the Order of the Dark Knights and occupied a high position in the Merchants Council in Ketterdam. Nikolai knew that the story was intended to be a cautionary tale but he couldn’t help but feel inspired how your father was everything that everyone were afraid to be in the most dark and difficult times. Nikolai was inspired at how your father gave up his whole world, his family, his country to do what was right instead of living an easy life.

Nikolai had known your father’s younger brother. He held a position as an advisor in the court for a long time mending and repairing the honor of his family damaged by your father’s reckless actions. He was quiet and reserved, well mannered and intelligent, observant and calm. Vasily often made fun of the soft spoken advisor but Nikolai liked your father’s young brother. From his younger days, Nikolai admired the composed and smart brother Matthew who was gentle and kind - hearted to Nikolai, never acknowledging the rumors about him being a bastard but had only treated Nikolai as an equal and a noble prince. As Nikolai grew up, he struck up an odd sort of friendship with the Matthew who became Nikolai’s mentor, favorite advisor and a good friend. 

Nikolai remembers the Matthew's love for his family. Your father’s family was notorious for its cold disposition and harshness in raising perfect children so Nikolai had expected the same from your father’s younger brother. He had been pleasantly surprised to see your father’s Matthew treat his children differently. Nikolai who was invited to the advisor’s house for countless soirees, talks and meals would witness Matthew spin his children around with a grin when he came home from work and then hug his wife tightly with a bright and tender smile. 

Matthew never shared much about his family but only shared the vision Nikolai had for Ravka. Nikolai was astounded at his intelligence and observations, as he taught Nikolai his own sharp perceptions and observations about whose opinions mattered in the court for a King, what they liked and disliked, their family backgrounds and what the court thought of Vasily and Nikolai. A lot of what Matthew shared with Nikolai helped Nikolai to mold himself and charm his subjects, generals and advisors into seeing Nikolai as a charming, smart and capable leader. 

Though his mentor never shared much about his family, Nikolai would glimpse a certain look of wistful sadness and pained bitterness about his brother who had been marked a traitor and banished on the pain of death. He had once caught his mentor staring at the burnt name on the tapestry of the family tree with quiet contemplation and longing, as if he carried a great burden of loss and grief on his shoulders. Nikolai had left him alone but had not forgotten that sight for it was not a well spoken and polite aristocrat he had seen then, he had seen a brother who was grieving for the loss of a brother he could not get back. Once Nikolai who had been grieving after Vasily had his father banish Dominik in disgrace and enlist his Dominik’s elder brother in the army, he had run toward Matthew’s place unannounced in the middle of the night because he felt helpless and didn’t know where else to go.

Please forgive my intrusion. 

Not at all. Please stay if you like, Your Highness. 

He had become a sort of odd father figure in that moment when he had seen Nikolai’s grief and hugged him in welcome and comfort. He had stayed over at the best guest room with a hot and hearty meal and warm clothes provided. In the morning, Nikolai had accepted the offer of taking a walk with Matthew as he let him know everything that had occurred, all the anger and grief and sadness he felt about losing his best friend and against Vasily who had betrayed him. Matthew had truly listened patiently to the young prince vent out his frustration and then struck up a proper conversation full of truth and honesty, comfort and shared experience making Nikolai feel safe and understood and Matthew assured him that he would make certain that Dominik’s family was well taken care of and later on pulled strings to get Dominik’s elder brother reassigned to a place where the fighting was light. After the most enlightening conversation full of shed tears and shared truths of hard burdens and brutalizing loss, Matthew and his wife had hugged Nikolai with such warmth, treating him like their own son and had let Nikolai know that she had made a special meal just for him and if there was ever anything, they would always be there for him. 

Nikolai had been incredibly fond of Matthew and his family from then on and eternally in debt and grateful to Matthew for pulling the strings to keep Dominik and his family safe. He remembered how he had cursed Vasily angrily throughout their conversation and though Matthew shared many pieces of wisdom with him on that day, one stood out particularly and etched itself on Nikolai’s mind because it felt as if Matthew wasn’t talking about just Vasily and Nikolai. 

“A cruel truth to it, isn’t it? Two brothers so close in age, the more one becomes one thing, the more other necessarily becomes the opposite.”

Later that day Matthew had called Nikolai into his study and showed him a picture of him and his brother. Matthew and his elder brother looked so young and handsome, shocking Nikolai at how old and exhausted they had grown up to be in the present. Nikolai examined the family picture of the brothers with their cousins, and recognized Matthew immediately. He was immediately recognizable as the smaller and handsome boy with dark hair, grey eyes and composed and haughty demeanor. A young Matthew stood regally and elegantly next to a older boy who looked very similar to him except he was charmingly handsome with a reckless and careless glint in his eyes, his lips curving into slightly warm smile as he held himself haughtily and coldly. But both of them were just children, just two brothers, frozen in the moment. 

“This is my older brother. I believe he needs no introduction... he’s made a name for himself. Before he was what he is now, he insisted on serving in the infantry. He came back a war hero. I think that’s when my family was truly proud of him.” recalled Matthew quietly and wistfully as he pointed out his brother and then him in the photograph to Nikolai who looked at it curiously.  

“Did he win medals?”

“Oh, Ravka bestowed many of the medals on him. Rewarded him the Medal of Honor, Army Commendation Award and the Distinguished Conduct Honor among many of them.” said Matthew with a small smile that seemed to Nikolai as if he was laughing at Ravka for bestowing medals upon a brave soldier and then banishing him without consideration for what he did for his country “But he threw them all in the fire and watched it burn. None of us came back the same.” 

Nikolai felt shocked at the action of the elder brother but since Matthew was being unusually open, Nikolai let his curiosity get the better of him “What was he like?”

“He laughed. A lot. He wanted to sail ships and work with horses. Always the charming and rebellious one of the family.” replied Matthew with a genuine and fond smile curving on his lips, a smile that displayed brotherly love and childish affection, a smile that Nikolai had never seen before “He was in love with a girl before the war. Her parents were Suli and none of the families approved of the dalliance but he won the girl’s parents over.”

“She died at the age of sixteen. But my brother was there at her bedside for four months every day holding her hand. And after she died, he went away to war.” recounted Matthew, his smile fading slightly as he was lost in memories of long ago while Nikolai listened in amazement and heartbreak “My sweet, kind, charming brother who laughed a lot never came back after that.”

“But you have a distinguished war record as well. You received the Medal of Honor, the Meritorious Service Medal and Distinguished Service Medal among a few to name.” said Nikolai in admiration and respect as he looked at Matthew who had been one of the rare nobles who had given up the safety of a home and position to go serve in the trenches of the war as a medik. “You and your brother are hailed as two war heroes who were the miracle in the most brutal and dangerous of wars in the history of our country.”

“Ah, we were. My father objected when both of us enlisted but we had to enlist. We couldn’t stay in the comfort of a home or a tent when everyone else was going to fight for this country. My brother became a soldier and I became a medik to serve. I figured I’d be saving people, not killing them.” said Matthew quietly and contemplatively and Nikolai swore that Matthew looked as if he was back on the battlefield “I just kept praying to the Saints every damn moment in the chaos of the battle... not for myself... I prayed and begged the Saints to help me save one more person in this godforsaken war and heal them so they can go back to their families.”

Nikolai was silent, feeling absolute respect and admiration for his mentor who had saved many lives as he continued reminiscently “I wasn’t... I was thought of as mad of course, those days. Mediks weren’t as valued as soldiers. They thought I was a coward for not fighting. But my brother understood I was trying to serve in my own way.”

“The commander of my regiment tried to send me home but they... the soldiers I saved... warmed up to me. They stood up for me. They all said they’ll go home if I am sent in disgrace.” said Matthew with a small chuckle but there were tears in his eyes “I understood that you are always going to need all the help you can get and no one is going to help you if they don’t like you.”

Nikolai contemplated on those words silently as he retained the wisdom of that advice that honed the actions of his future and he knew he was stepping the line with this question but he needed to ask him “Your brother and you... did you care for him?”

“I thought the world of him. I thought we were going to fight and change the world side by side.” answered Matthew quietly and wistfully after a long moment with reminiscence in his eyes as he sighed “But in the end, he is who he is and I am who I am. There is no changing that.”

After a month or so, news reached Nikolai that Matthew had disappeared under mysterious and strange circumstances. Though the King sent search parties for him, no sign of him had been found. Matthew had finally been concluded as missing and presumed dead. 

“He’s dead.”

“He - no - he can’t be!”

Nikolai had been in disbelief and denial as he attended the funeral of his mentor feeling grief and emptiness in his heart, hiding tears remembering his quiet and composed demeanor, his light smiles, wise advice and warm hugs. How was he supposed to do all this by himself now without an advisor, without his mentor? The grief only grew worse when he was informed that Matthew had left Nikolai a considerable amount of money in the will with the instructions to live wisely and freely as he chose.

Later, after the war when Zoya had investigated the Darkling’s chambers in the Little Palace, she had come across a few surviving letters that she found interesting and shared them with Nikolai. Nikolai had felt his heart jump to his throat at finding that this was a letter addressed to the Darkling by Matthew, in his elegant and neat handwriting and Nikolai had wasted no time in reading it. 

To the Darkling, 

I know I will be dead long before you read this, but I want you to know that it was I who discovered your secret. I have discovered your true identity as the Black Heretic and your plans to extend the Fold with your secret search for the Sun Summoner and Morozova’s amplifiers. I intend to foil and destroy all chances of your plan to destroy Ravka. I face the possibility of death in the hope that when you meet your match, you will fail in your pursuit for power and die alone and unloved.

Nikolai had not been ashamed to admit that he had burst into tears of grief and pain. His mentor had sacrificed himself, not letting the world know the true story of his sacrifice just to save Ravka. Matthew had never wanted power and glory, he had just wanted to keep Ravka safe and keep Nikolai safe until he was ready to take back what was his. Matthew had been clever and intelligent enough to deduce the Darkling’s secrets and plans from an early stage and try to find a way to stop the Darkling alone without putting anyone else in danger but it was likely that the Darkling killed him off. 

And now an invisible string that had spun his fate had tied him and tugged him to Matthew’s niece, Y/N, who had no family of her own all alone in the world. Nikolai felt awestruck and amazed at the frightening enormity of how destiny seemed to have a larger plan for all of them, how his mentor had been your late uncle and now how he met you who he was immensely in love with. 

“You are Y/N Y/RLN (Real last name)” pronounced Nikolai in soft tenderness and amazed awe as he looked at you with widened eyes of astonishment. 

You let out an audible gasp of incredible relief and happy gratitude because it had been so long since someone called you by your real name, the name you knew from birth to be your own, the name that had taken you in as their own with such love, the name you had cut ties with when you had arrived in Ketterdam and the name you sometimes forgot when hard days dragged on in its cold loneliness and hurt as tears sprung into your eyes and you nodded. 

“I don’t think I’ve heard that name for a long time.” you breathed in wonder and relief as you stared at Nikolai with such tenderness and affection because your heart had skipped a beat at the way he had pronounced your name as if it was precious and beautiful and then you looked at him quietly through the tears “So what are you going to do now?”

Nikolai was taken aback by your question “I don’t understand. What do you mean?”

“I am Y/N Y/RLN, daughter of one of the most feared gangsters in the history of Ketterdam. I am very valuable. There are so many people who will give anything to get their hands on me to enact their revenge.” you said quietly with an air of pride and hidden vulnerability. “I have told you my secret I’ve never told anyone else... not even Kaz Brekker. Secrets often have a price in Ketterdam.”

Nikolai realized that though you were proud of who you were, you were now naturally scared of what would happen to you because you had confided your greatest secret in him and he saw that all your life you had been running and hiding and he hugged you tightly “Y/N, my darling, I will take your secret with me to my grave. Trust me, I will never hurt you. I like you just the way you are and I will protect you from anyone who dares to harm you.”

You buried your head on his shoulder as you felt warm and safe, your cheeks flushing with heat at his soft and honest words surprised because you had never felt this way as his intoxicating perfume comforted you and you murmured “I don’t feel so scared anymore.”

Nikolai held you tightly in his embrace, his heart wrenching at those words slipping out of your mouth because though you hid it very well behind your expressive smile and guarded and composed demeanor, you were still a vulnerable and scared child who had been abandoned from birth marked by grief and loss “You never have to be scared, my love. We’re in this together.”

You blushed at the sweet endearment Nikolai whispered in your ear and smiled gratefully as you broke the hug feeling warmth and happiness spread through you, your cheeks tingling in red hues as you twisted your fingers nervously and concentrated on finishing the final touches of the sketch. When you finished the sketch, you looked at it with pride, as emotions of wistfulness, love, grief, reminiscence and adoration swelled within you. You smiled softly and fondly at the drawing and then felt Nikolai gaze at you quizzically as you felt your heart skip a beat and then you looked back at your drawing quietly. It was something purely personal and private but you took a leap of faith to share this with Nikolai because in your heart you wanted to as you slowly and nervously showed him what you had been sketching. 

Nikolai was pleasantly surprised as he took the sketchbook gently and delicately in his hands to see an incredibly talented and detailed drawing of a stoic and composed man with hard edges and sharp cheekbones who was elegantly and impeccably dressed in a suit smiling in warm and relaxed amusement as he held a cigarette in his hands, his icy cold blue eyes gleaming with mischievous delight and sly laughter that he held back as he looked fondly and lovingly and listened attentively to the little girl sitting on his lap talking to him with a solemn expression, an equally mischievous smile playing on her lips as she held his hand in hers. 

Nikolai realized you had just shown him your father as you remembered him and he felt a lump of emotion rise in his throat at the fact that you trusted him so much with such a precious part of your life you kept hidden away from the rest of the world. It was a simple sketch but the love you had poured into the drawing showed the feared gangster who was thought of a monster as a relaxed, warm and kind father who had a softer and sweeter side to him that he hid from the rest of the world. He didn’t seem like a ruthless cutthroat gangster. He was simply a man.

Nikolai felt awed and amazed by it, he could feel the warmth and affection of it exude as he suddenly felt a craving to be in that sketch and wondered what on earth you were saying to your father, a feared gangster to make him smile in such amusement. 

“That’s my father. I’d love it when he’d laugh. He had the nicest laugh in the world. Warm and steady. He’d always be amused whenever I was around... he had that little proud and amused smile he’d always wear whenever I did or said something.” you said with a reminiscent and fond smile as you remembered how your father’s laugh was such a joy in your life. 

“That’s my little girl, ey? You are such fun when you say such odd things.”

“What’s an unforgettable memory you have of him?” asked Nikolai in curiosity as he looked at you, suddenly realizing that this was so sweetly intimate because you were letting your guard down around him and letting him know the little things that you hid from rest of the world. 

“I have so many lovely memories of him that it’s impossible to choose. It’s lovely isn’t it? That my father gave me the nicest and loveliest memories to remember him by? But if I had to choose, it would be this one.” you said quietly and reminiscently with a lovely twinkle in your eyes as you spoke thoughtfully after a long moment as Nikolai shifted toward you listening raptly to you.

“My father was out on business to Ketterdam when my school teacher caned me and beat me up more than once for no reason. Perhaps he enjoyed it.” you said softly and honestly with a brave smile as you extended your hand, showing your palm to Nikolai whose eyes widened remembering the times Dominik was hurt by his teacher to punish him. “I feared his temper and hated going to school because I was so afraid.”

He felt hot rod of outrageous anger surge through him as he held your palm that had the scar of the unjust punishment you were given and you shivered when his thumb traced your scar gently “My mother didn’t care when I told her and my brother was the only one who cared. One day, I saw that my father had arrived home earlier than he was supposed to with his friends. He saw what happened to my hand and he went wild with anger. I’ve never seen him so unhinged, out of control. His eyes were glinting with murder but he I was scared and crying.”

“He calmed me down and comforted me, kissed my little wounded hand and bandaged it, made silly jokes, told me stories and put me to sleep. The next day, he woke me up at five and told me to get dressed in my best dress. My father drove me to the school where he had ordered a meeting with all the teachers of the school early in the morning.” you said remembering the tense atmosphere in the carriage where your father had held your little hand in his gently as he smoked his cigarette and contemplated on his thoughts solemnly. “They told me to stay in the carriage but after they left, I followed them and listened outside the door.”

“Ever the spy even when you were a little girl?” teased Nikolai with a mischievous glint in his eyes at the thought of you disobeying your dangerous father’s orders and doing things your own way but his smile faded slightly when he remembered what had happened to you. “What happened?”

“In the meeting, my father withdrew me from school and withdrew funding from the school. He was so calm, so quiet and yet I could feel his anger as he defied them by smoking in the room and threatened them. He didn’t beat them or hurt them but he was absolutely terrifying.” you said with awe and amazement as you remembered every word that your father had uttered in that meeting exuding the promise of death to anyone who so much as dared to breath near you “When he withdrew funding, the principal was furious. He yelled at my father for withdrawing funding and mentioned his crimes and I remember my father just slamming him to the wall and saying ‘I’m not a criminal. I’m a father. And I will break heaven and earth to protect my daughter. Any of you come near her again, in fact if you so much as try to do anything to hurt her and make her unhappy, I will find you and cut you to pieces.’”

Nikolai was equally stunned and impressed at your father’s overwhelming love for you that showed how far he was willing to go to protect you and suddenly wished that his father could have been half the man your father had been as he felt a lump of emotion swell in his throat as you continued “And then he took me out to the village where we spent the day out and we both had a really nice day together. And when he tucked me to bed and told me that I don’t have to go to school anymore, that I’ll be learning at home with governesses and if they gave me any trouble, I should tell him at once... when he told me that, I just felt warm and fuzzy... I felt I wasn’t alone. That no matter how hard life got, he’d always be there for me.”

“Not true, of course. I was wrong. He wouldn’t always be there for me. He was murdered a long time ago and now he’s not there for me anymore.” you said softly and sincerely with a saddened and pained expression and Nikolai felt his heart clench in pain as he squeezed your hand gently “But he was there for me throughout his life and that’s what counts, I guess.”

“Your father may have been a cold - hearted criminal but he was a good father. A kind father. I don’t think many people can say that about themselves.” said Nikolai honestly with a sincere smile as he squeezed your hand gently “And he raised a fantastic daughter. I’d think he’d be very proud of you.”

You smiled through your teary eyes as you looked at the portrait of your genuinely smiling father, his eyes warm and so alive in that moment and looked at Nikolai gratefully as you both stayed in silence and Nikolai asked a question that broke the moment “You said your father was murdered. There are stories that - well, he burned to death along with his closest order members that night.”

Nikolai observed you grow stiff and tense as your face drew into a cold and harsh expression “Yes. I was there that night. It was his birthday... one moment, there my father was smiling while everyone sang happy birthday and suddenly the whole house was on fire, an army of thugs surrounding it and turning the whole place upside down thirsty for blood. My uncles and aunts... they stayed back to fight and distract the thugs while my father ushered us into one of the secret tunnels that led out to safety.”

“I remember him carrying me very tightly, angry people yelling furiously trying to get through the barricaded doors and when he pushed me into the tunnel... he promised he’d come and find me as soon as he could and closed the entrance to the tunnel. That was the last I saw of him. Everything burned down as we ran away. Today is the day I lost my family. I lost my normal life.” you replied quietly as you rubbed your forehead in exhaustion and pain blinking back tears that came with the memories that you had thought of today “And the craziest thing is, I keep thinking that my father’s not really dead. He promised he’d come to find me. He always kept his promises. And he was the man who could always do the impossible, always one step ahead. If anyone could survive that fire, it was him.”

You buried your face in your hands because you were fairly certain you were mad with grief of loss and abandonment as tears slipped down your cheeks and then you wiped them away hastily and steadied yourself “But I know it’s not going to happen. So I made a promise to my dad... to all of them... that I’ll hunt whoever is responsible and when I find them, I will kill them.”

Nikolai knew from the dark gleam in your eyes that you had already found who was responsible for your father’s death and you were just biding time waiting for the opportune moment as he hesitated “Who is it who killed them?”

“Pekka Rollins.” you spat vengefully after a long moment of silence that seemed to stretch for eternity “He killed my father and snatched all of his properties and members to the Dime Lions. Kaz Brekker had his revenge on him and soon it will be my turn.”

“Then let’s destroy him until he begs for mercy from you.” asked Nikolai quietly in steely determination as he looked at you with fire of devotion burning in his eyes. 

You were taken aback with surprise and shock as you felt speechless and tongue tied and you finally found your tongue as you replied “You’re going to help me?”

“Of course, love. I’m not going to let you go into this all alone.” replied Nikolai easily and charmingly as he winked at you making you blush “And if you do get in serious trouble, you will have diplomatic immunity on the table because you’ll be happily married to me.”

“You’re a prat!” you laughed, blushing a pretty pink as you tried to hide your shyness by taking a book that he had been reading and slapping him with it while he yelled in pain. 

“OWWW! STOP HURTING ME, WOMAN!”

“KICK HIS ASS, Y/N!”

“GET HIM, GIRL!”

“ARE YOU EVEN MY FRIENDS?”

You collapsed into hearty laughter as you spared him mercy as he rubbed his shoulder with dramatic painful groans as he complained but he was smiling widely at you. You looked at the book Nikolai had been reading recently and opened it while Nikolai was busy retorting sassily at Genya, Nina and Zoya. 

You smirked widely when you read the rather interesting paragraphs in the book and when Nikolai turned toward you, his eyes widened in nervous shock and dismay as he lunged for the book but you dodged him and began reading the text with a wide and teasing smirk “Anthony felt every fiber of his being consumed by the desire as he pushed her down to the bed and kissed her flawless alabaster skin with desperate passion, his lips traveling down her neck as he cupped her breast - “

“Alright, give it back!” yelled Nikolai who had gone red in embarrassment but you laughed in amusement as you danced out of his way, reading the filthiest parts you could find.

“My goodness, Your Majesty. Who knew that under that perfect prince disguise was a filthy man with naughty thoughts?” you teased as you stood on top of the arm of the sofa avoiding Nikolai who was scrambling to get to you desperately. 

“It’s a love story! They are in love!” exclaimed Nikolai who was blushing in absolute embarrassment because now this had destroyed all chances of you seeing him as a prospective choice in your love life. In fact, this was the most humiliating thing that had ever happened to him in his life!

“My goodness, you dirty naughty boy, look at what you’ve been reading! Is this what you have been reading with a straight face?” you laughed in amusement as you wiggled your eyebrows teasingly and playfully at Nikolai making him stutter and blush. “I must say, your reading taste is very... filthy.”

“That’s enough, now give it back!” said Nikolai who lunged at you but you dodged him as you jumped on his back making him yell out loudly as you kept the book away from him and whispered teasingly and sensually into his ear silencing all protests “Was this how it felt to burn for someone you truly loved? To have them and hold them as your own and know that come what may their mind, body, soul and heart was only yours. Katherine let out a loud moan when her lover slammed his -”

“Alright, thank you very much!” said Nikolai who had practically frozen when you had started reading the filthy parts of the novel in a suggestive and sensual voice that had aroused something in him and he grabbed the novel from you as he heard you laugh teasingly and merrily into his ear. “Stop laughing, Y/N!”

“You can’t make me.” you replied boldly and daringly as you slid down from his back with an easygoing and laidback grin. 

“Is that a challenge?” replied Nikolai equally cockily and confidently as he turned around and looked at you in a way one would measure his opponent and you felt shivers of pleasure run through you and jolt when he stepped toward you. 

You held your breath as Nikolai stared at you longingly and intensely with such yearning that it took your breath away. He took another step to you as his face lingered close to yours that you could see the golden light flickering in his hazel eyes. You could feel his breath fanning your skin as his eyes flickered from your own eyes to your lips. His lips were hovering inches away from yours full of yearning and longing and you suddenly felt a semblance of a fire stoked within you. You knew you should step away but rationality and logic was slipping away from you each moment you were with him. You loved Kaz... you loved... you were trying to remember but it was getting unbearable when Nikolai was so close yet so far away. 

The door opened abruptly and Nikolai and you jumped apart, your hearts beating very loudly as you felt your cheeks redden as you suddenly remembered where you were and what had happened. What was wrong with you? What had happened to you? Why had you let yourself indulge in a moment of weakness with Nikolai? He was attractive and handsome but he was your friend! You couldn’t afford to lose a wreck of another friendship! You knew this couldn’t be!

You poured yourself a strong glass of brandy to compose yourself, not wanting to look at Nikolai because you simply didn’t want to see him.

The messenger had arrived and was greeted unhappily by Genya who had groaned, Nina who poured herself another glass of brandy and Zoya who threw a cushion at the poor man as she yelled “REALLY? NOW? IS NOW THE TIME FOR YOU TO BLOODY ARRIVE? GET THE TIMING RIGHT, YOU IDIOT! I WAS ABOUT TO GET MY MONEY AND YOU HAD TO RUIN IT!”

You drank your glass of brandy in one go paying no attention to the messenger who delivered letters to everyone in the room and you poured yourself another glass of brandy when the messenger addressed you “Miss Y/N Y/LN?”

You smiled at him “Yes, that’s me.”

“This is for you.” he said with a nod as he handed over a few letters and you thanked him kindly. 

You settled down in a sofa far away from Nikolai with your glass of brandy as you went through your usual letters that your friends from Ketterdam sent you. As you took a sip of your brandy, you nearly choked on it when you saw Kaz’ precise handwriting on the envelope addressed to you. This was Kaz’ first letter to you since you had left Ketterdam after your fallout with him. You felt unusually nervous and terrified, amazed and happy at the fact that Kaz had taken time out of his busy day to write to you. You didn’t know what the contents of the letter were but for the first time, you felt hope soar that this was the beginning of a reconciliation and a new beginning. Perhaps the very stubborn Kaz had somehow written a curt apology and that’s all you needed for now. You held the envelope in your hands for a long time because you wanted to hold onto the lovely dreams and fantasies of what might be in that letter and then you decided to get on with it as you opened the envelope and read the letter. 

As you finished reading the letter, you felt a sense of disbelief take over your body and you read it over and over again because you didn’t want this to be the reality. Then something very dark and dangerous in you ignited, something that had been hurt and wounded for a long time began growling in anger as fury and rage boiled in you and crashed over you in overwhelming tidal waves until it was all you could feel and taste and breathe. 

You felt the rage and fury burn through you as you stood up and threw your glass of brandy into the wall as it shattered into pieces alarming and shocking everyone who nearly jumped out of their seats and looked at you in concern and surprise but you didn’t care as your crumpled up the letter, breathing heavily and marched out of the room not seeing Nikolai look at you in genuine sincerity and concern. 

“What happened?” asked Nikolai in concern as he jumped out of his seat and strode toward where you had been sitting. 

“I think this might have been the cause.” said Nina as she picked up the letter that they all read. 

To Y/N, 

I hope you are in good health. 

I know you are on vacation but your duty to the Dregs calls Nina and you now immediately. You are needed for an urgent and important mission in Ketterdam. Your specific skillset is urgently needed for this job. The details are confidential and you will be briefed on it once you are here. You will get your cut once the job is over. Nina and you are to be in Ketterdam within a week. 

I know you would rather be lazing in Ravka but I am your employer. If you wish to not continue with this job and life, you can send me your resignation and your position within the Crows and Dregs will be terminated. 

Thank you, 

Kaz Brekker. 

“Alright, that’s it! I am going to Ketterdam to choke the air out of that canal rat’s lungs!” exclaimed Zoya coldly with fury and anger burning in her beautiful eyes. 

“I’m going to find Y/N.” mumbled Nikolai feeling absolutely outraged and furious at how Kaz Brekker treated you like you were some investment when you were more than that. 

He was going to kill Kaz Brekker with his bare hands the next time he saw him.

After searching the palace, Nikolai stepped into the library where you sought solace and comfort most of the time and heard sniffling and small crying sounds. His heart broke into a tiny million pieces at your pain as he closed the library door softly and took a few steps to find you when from behind a book shelf your voice echoed “OI, go away Nikolai! I don’t want to see you.”

Nikolai halted in surprise and amazement because he had not spotted you yet but you had recognized him as he called out “How do you know it’s me?”

“I know the sound of your footsteps.” you replied knowingly as you rubbed the tears that threatened to leak from your eyes at your heart clenching in hurt and misery because it was always Nikolai who cared about you so much and checked up on you to see if you were fine whereas Kaz broke your heart every chance you gave him. 

Nikolai smiled in amazement and astonishment because he was touched and surprised that you knew him so well and paid so much attention to the smallest of things about him as he called out kindly “Alright, now come out. You’ve been there ages.”

You snapped in exhaustion and pain because you just wanted to be alone “Just leave me alone!”

Nikolai followed the sound of your voice as he sat opposite of the shelf where you were sitting, his back facing yours as he let you be alone but he leaned his head back to the shelf as he said gently and sincerely after a long moment of silence as he listened to your quiet crying “Just try not to let him get to you.”

You laughed sarcastically as tears rolled down your cheeks as you snapped in frustration “Oh thanks for that. That’s brilliant advice. Really is! Absolutely brilliantly stupid!”

Nikolai sighed biting his tongue in frustration because he knew that today was a very emotional day for you full of reminders of the life you could have had and the life you had lost with your family and Kaz Brekker had just stoked your grief further as he stayed quiet for a few moments and then took a bold choice “I think your dad would be absolutely heartbroken to see you being hurt by Kaz Brekker over and over again when all he does is never see you for who you are... a wonderful, powerful, kind and strong woman. He’d protect you from him and tell you that Kaz isn’t the one for you.”

You felt acidic bitterness overwhelm your mouth as you spat out “What do you know of my father?”

“I know that he is the man who threatened your school teachers because they hurt you. Because they inflicted pain on you and made you cry. So I know that no matter what, he would want you to always be happy and loved.” said Nikolai honestly and sincerely with no qualms about speaking his mind to you as you listened in awestruck and shocked silence at how Nikolai spoke to your very soul. 

You were quiet because you hated that Nikolai was right. But you had believed that Kaz would be better. You had believed that deep down Kaz Brekker truly loved you and hid it in fear of consequences. You believed that in time Kaz Brekker would come to understand his feelings for you and reciprocate the same intense and deep love you felt for him. You sobbed quietly, your hand covering your mouth at how stupid and naïve you had been. You had dreamed of a happy ending with the boy you loved so much but that boy never dreamed of you. Kaz Brekker never thought of you and dreamt of you, he never cared for you and today’s letter was proof that you were merely just an investment to him. You felt angry at yourself for loving him so much despite every desperate attempt to try to forget him and stop loving him. But even though you were miles away from Ketterdam, Kaz Brekker was still the one you loved despite your efforts to break free from him. It hurt you that you were so weak as to be tied in love with a bastard who didn’t even spare a thought for you and you wondered whether you’d ever get out of the darkness of this abyss. This feeling of addiction to an intoxicating drug that you knew was bad yet you couldn’t let go of yet. This feeling of breathing fresh air for a moment before being pulled down to the darkness of the freezing stormy water by the very man she loved. You were trying to leave him but it was just so hard. 

You felt so insignificant, completely useless and utterly humiliated by the very person you loved so deeply and who you thought cared for you more than an investment. 

But you were so wrong. 

As you muffled your quiet sobs, you felt Nikolai’s quiet and gentle presence on the other side of the bookshelf, keeping you company. You didn’t understand why he was doing this for you. Perhaps he saw a damsel in distress to rescue. Perhaps he pitied you. Perhaps he was just here providing you comfort and friendship because he was just that kind of good, kind - hearted and nice person. 

You heard rustling of paper and saw that a paper bird that had flown to your side of the shelf. You knew it was Nikolai as you sniffled and delicately opened the paper to see his lovely handwriting “So aside from taking my breath away, what do you do for a living?”

You couldn’t help but smile widely amidst your tears when another paper note in the shape of a butterfly slipped toward you and you picked it up as you read “I was wondering if you are here... who is running Heaven?”

You didn’t like pickup lines but you couldn’t help grinning like a fool as your tears began to dry and you shook your head in amusement and exasperation when another note folded in the shape of a pineapple was sent to you and you read it in anticipation “If you were a fruit, you’d be a fine - apple.”

You couldn’t help it, an amused giggle escaped your lips at this terrible pickup line and Nikolai who heard it grinned in happiness and encouragement as he scribbled his next pickup line and folded it neatly in a shape of a flower as he slipped it toward you. 

You opened it with curiosity as your eyes skimmed over “I’d say Saints Bless You but it looks like they already did.”

You couldn’t help but throw your head back and laugh out loudly like a child and Nikolai grinned in pleasure and happiness at listening to your beautiful and wonderful laugh, glad he had cheered you up but he was adamant to work until the very end to see you happy as he wrote another note in the shape of an elephant that you read “I thought this was a library but this must be a museum because you are a masterpiece!” 

“Stop it! You are absolutely ridiculous!” you laughed in amusement and exasperation as you shook your head flustered as your cheeks flared with warmth while Nikolai grinned widely as he sent you another note shaped as a heart. 

“You must be hell of a thief because you managed to steal my heart from the moment I saw you.”

“If I stole your heart, you wouldn’t be breathing and alive, you absolute moron.” you retorted with an amused laugh, as your eyes twinkled in delight and happiness but your heart fluttered and skipped a few beats as you read those words over and over again. “And where on earth are you getting all these parchment from?”

You heard Nikolai laugh in amusement and delight as he scribbled something and you saw a note shaped like a swan that you unfolded as it read “There must be something wrong with my eyes... I can’t seem to take them off you.”

You blushed as you spluttered going red in the face as your heart fluttered with amazement and wonder at those words as you exclaimed “Are you drunk?”

Nikolai’s lips grew into a teasing and playful smile as he slipped another note in a shape of a flower that you unfolded “I’m not drunk. I’m utterly intoxicated by you.”

“You smooth motherfu -” you began in astonishment and exasperation as your lips tugged into an involuntary smile as you shook your head fondly “How many pickup lines do you even have?”

“Enough to make you smile for eternity.” replied Nikolai with a bright and gentle smile of his own, certainty and sincerity ringing through his voice. 

You smiled brightly, your heart lighter and happier than it had been as you crawled to Nikolai’s side of the shelf and sat next to him, the precious notes tucked safely in your pocket.  

You smiled softly and sweetly at Nikolai as you felt warmth and gratitude blossom in your heart for him as your breath caught in your throat “Thank you. You know, for making my life slightly less miserable.”

Nikolai smiled at you so sweetly and lovingly that you genuinely felt your heart stop beating as he whispered “To see you happy, I’d do anything.”

You smiled at Nikolai, your heart full of astonishment and wonder at how a person could be full of light and love and give it so unconditionally. You felt a hurt pang in your heart as you realized that you had such a deep bond with Kaz but it was all lies and broken promises used to stab at your deepest wounds and all the secret smiles you had shared with him had become cruel smirks and muffled sobs of pain. You suddenly felt the weight of fresh pain and heartbreak suffocating you as you remembered Kaz Brekker, the boy who had stood by you through thick and thin that now was the reason for you drowning in sorrow and heartache as he watched heartlessly and cruelly. 

Nikolai knew by your expression that you were thinking of Kaz as he whispered softly “Are you alright?”

“For so long, I hoped that Kaz would see me the way I see him and love me back. But I was foolish and misguided to let a thief and con artist trick me into believing that I could be loved. To hope that one day, things would be different.” you replied feeling disappointment and pain burn you fiercely and furiously as you realized how stupid and foolish you had been. 

“You know, someone who really wants you and cares about you, someone real... would never turn their back on a chance to get to know you.” said Nikolai softly and sincerely, his voice cracking slightly in heartbreak and pain seeing the darkness and self - loathing in your beautiful eyes as he placed his hand on your shoulder gently. 

“I don’t have anyone real in my life, Nikolai. I never will.” you replied bitterly and honestly as you felt the sharp arrows of pain and agony pierce you deeply as your eyes clouded with cold understanding and firm decisiveness “I fell in love once... I will never make that mistake again.”

Nikolai felt his heart shatter into pieces at your cold and cutting words that entirely broke his world. He had thought that in time you’d forget Kaz Brekker and hope for a new beginning in love but it seemed that Kaz Brekker had hardened and closed your soft and open heart for loving him. Nikolai felt utterly shocked and hurt as he looked into your eyes and saw that unwavering and firm decisiveness that meant every word you had said and realized that you would not change your mind about love ever again. You would not fall in love again and even if you did... you would never admit it. Nikolai wanted to murder Kaz Brekker for damaging you and making you believe that you deserved to be alone for the rest of your life. 

And though Nikolai knew that grief was hardening you and molding you into a girl who had no hope, Nikolai still offered you hope and sincerity as he blinked back his tears and placed a soft kiss on your cheek “It doesn’t mean you are alone. I’ll always be here for you, Y/N... I’ll always be whatever you need me to be.”

You felt warmth spread on your cheeks as the spot on your cheek tingled at the brief touch of Nikolai’s lips that lit a spark in your joyless heart as you looked at him in awe and affection “It doesn’t matter what I need you to be. You should always be unapologetically yourself... you... you are someone who should always be truly happy.”

Nikolai felt shy at how you were looking at him with such intense admiration and fond adoration as you smiled softly and sincerely at him, making a swarm of butterflies flutter within him as he felt himself lose his breath at how divine you were when you raised your eyebrows at him inquisitively “Were you going to ask me something?”

“I’m sorry?”

“Well... you furrowed your eyebrows a great deal this evening when conversing with me. You do that when you are thinking of something important to you and you want to say it but you are uncertain or afraid of the outcome.” you pointed out honestly and truthfully as you raised your eyebrows knowingly because you had observed the wonderful, amusing, quirky little mannerisms of the boy king who you had a soft spot in your heart for.

Nikolai was stunned at your astute and sharp observation and even more shocked that you had cared enough to observe and remember a little quirk and mannerism of his own that he didn’t realize himself as he replied shakily “I do?”

“Yes, you do. At first, when I first saw this, I thought of getting you a Healer because I was concerned that you were having a stroke.” you replied teasingly and playfully with an expression of amusement etched across your face. 

Nikolai scowled at you but his lips curved into an amused smile when you burst into delighted laughter and he shook his head at you in exasperation and affection and you looked at him curiously “So what’s on your mind, Nikolai?”

Nikolai had been thinking of asking you out but now he wasn’t so certain. Would you say yes? This was a bad idea. There were so many ways this could go wrong. You could slap him. You could leave Ravka. You could laugh at him and call him crazy. You could reject him and make him feel like an absolute fool for thinking that he stood a chance with you. 

To all the Saints and their mothers, he didn’t stand a chance with you! He knew that! And you weren’t interested in him, despite the strong bond that were developing between you two. You were simply unattainable. 

Anything worth doing starts as a bad idea.

“I - well, I know you are busy and you have so many important things to - but, I was thinking whether - like - I wanted to know if you would - um - what I mean to say -” began Nikolai stuttering nervously as the tips of his ears flushed red and the heat crept up his neck with shyness and embarrassment at how he was making such a simple task, a spectacular disaster and wished someone would kill him now and put him out of his misery. 

You raised your eyebrows in slight amusement and concern as you queried “Are you having a stroke?”

“More like a heart attack because of you, you oblivious beautiful wonderful girl!” thought Nikolai who was having a cardiac arrest, his heart beating at speed that was completely inhumane and he could feel himself sweating nervously and his head spin in dizzy admiration, hope and fear at the thought of asking you out. 

“WouldyouliketospendadaywithmeinRavkajustthetwoofus?” asked Nikolai immediately in one breath, his words sounding like messed up gibberish that could hardly be interpreted and understood. 

You raised your eyebrows quizzically trying to figure out what the hell had just come out of Nikolai’s mouth because it sounded like a very complicated made up word or a language that had just been invented as you replied firmly “That’s it. I’m worried about you. I’m going to get -”

“NO! I MEAN, WOULD YOU LIKE TO ACCOMPANY ME AND SPEND A DAY WITH ME IN THE TOWN, JUST THE TWO OF US?” yelled Nikolai in a frenzied panic and fright as the words slipped out of his mouth before he could control himself because he wanted to seize this chance before it slipped away and you left him in a week. 

Nikolai suddenly realized that he had just yelled at you to accompany him and felt absolutely embarrassed and horrified at what he had just done as his eyes grew wide and he felt humiliated beyond belief wanting the floor to open up and just erase him out of existence.

His humiliation and embarrassment only grew when you laughed in amusement as he lowered his eyes in shame because your rejection hurt him deeply and bitterly when he heard you chuckle in amusement “Oh Saints! That’s what you were worried about this whole time? You could have just asked me, you know.”

Nikolai felt his world screech to a halt at her mind blowing response as he questioned his reality and met your kind eyes that twinkled with mischief as he rasped out hopefully “So... you’re not saying no?”

“You really are a complete idiot, Nikolai.” you replied honestly and truthfully as you rolled your eyes at him and placed your hand on his shoulder with a wide grin “Why would I say no? You’re my friend. It would be lovely to spend time with you.”

Nikolai’s overwhelming happiness was slightly spoiled by the pang of hurt and disappointment he felt when you called him just a friend. But Nikolai knew you were still healing from the bitter heartbreak you had suffered at the hands of Kaz and you needed time. Nikolai was fine with being your friend. He wanted to be more than that in his heart but he knew that it was too much of him to hope for you to love him back now. All he could do was get to know you, enjoy your company, cherish your friendship and try not to fall more in love with you.

How hard could it be?

But right now, it was very hard because you were absolutely stunning as he felt his heart shattering into pieces at the unintentional and unknown rejection from your side as he replied with a bright smile, trying to hide how sad he felt “Yeah. Friends. That’s right we are friends. Who aren’t definitely going on a date.”

“Yeah. After everything that’s happened with Kaz, and all the people I know who were friends but started dating and then broke up... it becomes messy.” you replied honestly finding it very easy to confide how you felt to Nikolai who had become your close friend “I have a rule now. I don’t date anyone I’m friends with.

Nikolai’s heart dropped in disappointment and ached with absolute pain and rejection as he realized that he was never going to have a chance with you as he struggled to find the words through the feeling of disbelief that he hid with a bright smile as he joked “Yeah, yeah, um - that’s funny because I have the same rule. No more friends. I’m completely into dating my enemies.”

“Yeah. And if you break up with them, you can always get your revenge on them and kill them.” you replied with an amused laugh but you felt that you had said something wrong because Nikolai’s smile wasn’t reaching his bright hazel eyes. 

Nikolai managed to laugh through the pain he felt as he retorted with a grin “Very violent but I agree. Nice and easy.”

The silence engulfed them and it felt awkward and tense between the both of you. The silence between you and Nikolai had never felt uncomfortable before and you racked your brain trying to think of what you might have said to make Nikolai upset. You shifted from one foot to another and Nikolai fiddled with his sleeve nervously refusing to meet your eyes and you felt absolutely hurt wondering how you could make the silence easy and companionable like it always was between the both of you. You felt uneasy at how Nikolai hid how upset he felt and wanted to see him genuinely smile. 

The words burst out of your mouth before you could stop yourself because you could not bear to see Nikolai upset “Hey, are you a vegetable?”

Nikolai looked at you in absolute confusion “What?”

“Because if you were a vegetable, you’d totally be a cute - cumber.” you answered easily with a wide and playful grin hoping that Nikolai would cheer up. 

Nikolai’s eyes widened in surprise as he processed what you had just said and pink dust scattered over his cheeks as he felt shy and laughed in amusement and understanding as he felt his his heart flip with adoration for you as he highfived you “Oh that’s good! You got back at me with the pick up lines! I didn’t know you had them up your sleeve.”

You laughed in joy as you smiled fondly at Nikolai as you realized that one day, he was going to love someone heart and soul and something within you ached bitterly at that thought feeling possessive of Nikolai as you smiled at how he talked enthusiastically, his eyes gleaming with bright light that only belonged to a million stars that burned in a far away galaxy.  

You wanted to sink into the darkness of your bitter disappointment and painful self - loathing but Nikolai Lantsov was the beautiful sun, the burning fireplace, the warmth that gave you hope and lifted your spirits up even in the darkest of times. 

You were losing faith in love but Nikolai Lantsov made you believe deep down that you still deserved to dream and love again.

And as you gazed at Nikolai’s kind and handsome face, it struck you that though you had lost your family and innocence, had blood on your hands that could never be washed off and had your heart broken and bruised, you had found a safe place that you could call a home with Nikolai Lantsov. 

And as Nikolai’s bright hazel eyes met your own and your hand slipped gently into his, you both realized that you both had been fighting memories all on your own and standing in the rain alone for too long as you clung onto your bruised hearts and broken homes but now after a long time, both of you had found someone who gave them hope and someone who they would stay for and love the most.

Taglist: -

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@suckmyaries

@mdanon027​

[stargazer-sims]

A Walk On The Beach

Stephen: Ginger! What are you doing?

Ginger: I'm going for a swim. You know I've always liked swimming at night.

Stephen: But, you... you took your clothes off.

Ginger: I could hardly swim in my dress, could I?

Stephen: I mean, you took your clothes off in front of me.

Ginger: *laughing* My goodness, Stephen. What’s the matter? It's not as if I'm naked. You've seen me in a bathing costume loads of times.

Stephen: Yes, but I’ve never seen you undress.

Ginger: Is that a problem?

Stephen: No, I like it. It’s just… I’m very nervous.

Ginger: You’ve been anxious all day.

Stephen: Were you wearing your bathing suit under your dress the whole time?

Ginger: Do you mean to say you aren't wearing your swimwear under your clothes?

Stephen: Well, ah... yes. Yes, I am, but...

Ginger: Then, what are you waiting for? Take your clothes off and join me.

Stephen: *dying internally*

*pile of clothes*

Ginger: That wasn't so bad, was it? Aren't you more comfortable now?

Stephen: I suppose that depends on the definition of 'comfortable'.

Ginger: What do you mean?

Stephen: Well, I don't know if I actually anticipated a swim. I wanted to talk to you about something important, and I thought maybe we'd have a longer walk after dinner.

Ginger: Yes, I remember you wanted to tell me something, but we can talk in the water. Come along. I want to cool off.

Stephen: All right.

Stephen: W-what are you doing?

Ginger: I think I've already worked out what you wanted to discuss. This is it, isn't it?

Stephen: What?

Ginger: You don't give a woman flowers and take her to a five-star restaurant and then for a walk on a practically empty beach just so you can tell her about your latest business endeavour.

Stephen: How do you know?

Ginger: You're not the only man that's ever been in my life. I've got prior experience, you know.

Stephen: You think of me as a man in your life?

Ginger: Unless I've been misled, I'm certain you're a man. And you're most definitely in my life.

Stephen: Ah...

Ginger: Darling, look at me. Take a deep breath and try to relax. I promise, this isn't going to be nearly as difficult as you think it is.

Stephen: It feels very difficult.

Ginger: Tell me something. How long have we known each other?

Stephen: Twelve years? Twelve years in August, so eleven and a half.

Ginger: Right, and in that eleven and a half years, how many times have we gone on outings? How many times have you taken me to dinner or invited me to some event or other as your plus one? I've been going on holiday with you, Sebastian and Sofia for years, and we're together nearly every day at home.

Stephen: That's true.

Ginger: And we've gotten to know each other well.

Stephen: Yes.

Ginger: In all that time, how often have you felt as anxious about having a conversation with me as you do right now?

Stephen: Maybe not at all? I've been nervous, but not like this.

Ginger: What's different now?

Stephen: I have something to confess.

Ginger: Go on, then.

Stephen: Promise you won't overreact.

Ginger: When have you ever known me to overreact? It'll be all right. Just say what you want to say.

Stephen: Ginger, I... I'm in love with you.

Ginger: *smiling softly* I know.

Stephen: You already knew?

Ginger: Yes, but I needed to hear you say it. You needed to say it out loud too, for yourself as well as for me.

Stephen: How did you know? When did you...?

Ginger: I realized it quite a while ago.

Stephen: You never said anything.

Ginger: Would you have wanted me to make the first move?

Stephen: I would, if you said you love me too.

Ginger: I do. I love you. I've never said anything before because I didn't want to overstep. You are technically my employer, after all, regardless of us being good friends. I didn't know if it'd be appropriate, or if you would've welcomed it even if it were.

Stephen: I would've more than welcomed it, and I don't think it's inappropriate, but...

Ginger: But, what?

Stephen: Do you really love me? What about Nikolai?

Ginger: Nikolai is like my brother. We tried to date, but we should've known it'd go nowhere. Of course I love him, but in an entirely different way than I feel about you.

Stephen: I wish I'd had the courage to tell you before he came back into your life. Then, I wouldn't have had to worry about it.

Ginger: He's never been out of my life, but there's no reason at all for you to be worried about it. He's getting married, remember? And he's head-over-heels in love with his fiancé. I doubt he's even giving a second thought to our little experiment these days.

Stephen: Why did you do that experiment? Did you already realize how you felt about me before you tried to have a relationship with him?

Ginger: Yes. I've loved you for a long time, but I didn't think I could have you. I wanted... something. A companion, a partner. Someone to share every part of my life with. Nikolai knows all my secrets, but there are some things we could never share.

Stephen: Could you see yourself sharing those things with me? The things you can't share with him.

Ginger: I could. I do love you, Stephen, and perhaps I should've said something long ago, because the last thing I would've wanted would be for you to worry about losing me to someone I was never in love with in the first place.

Stephen: I don't want to lose you. That's why I had to be brave and tell you now. Sebastian isn't going to compete forever, and he won't need a coach in a few years, and I... I don't know how I'd cope if...

Ginger: You aren't going to lose me. I'm right here, and I'll stay forever if that's what you want.

Stephen: I do.

Ginger: Then, consider it settled.

Stephen: We're both fools, aren't we?

Ginger: I reckon we are.

Stephen: We lost so much time.

Ginger: We haven't lost anything. We've been together since Sebastian, Sofia and I came back from the UK. Ten years together doesn't seem like lost time to me.

Stephen: Together, but not together.

Ginger: I see what you mean, but we can do something about it going forward, can't we?

Stephen: I'd really like that.

Ginger: Me too.

Stephen: So, will you be my partner? Or... girlfriend? I don't even know the best way to describe this.

Ginger: Partner. I like partner, and I'll gladly call myself yours.

Stephen: Would it be all right if I kissed you?

Ginger: I think you'd better.

*soft kiss*

Ginger: What do we do now? We can hardly go back to life as normal after this, can we?

Stephen: *whispering* You could marry me. Right here in Tartosa, before we go home.

Ginger: No, not like this. I've already had one elopement, and I don't want to do that again. If you're going to propose to me, I want you to do it properly, when we're both ready.

Stephen: When do you think that'll be?

Ginger: I think when we're ready, we'll know. For now, let's take our time and enjoy this.

Stephen: We'll have to tell Sofia and Sebastian.

Ginger: Can we give that a couple of days? I rather like the idea of having a secret romance.

Stephen: *laughing* Is that what they do in those books you like?

Ginger: Sometimes.

Stephen: Is there anything else they do in those books that I should know about?

Ginger: All sorts of things.

Stephen: Such as?

Ginger: Sweet things. Naughty things. But, the most important thing they do is live happily ever after.

[jounosnumberoneslut]

✧ 500 followers event ✧

Finally I'm here with this event, love you so much and thank you!

I haven't got better idea so this will be a prompt event again.

You can choose one prompt to one character.

Example: fluff prompt 4 with Sigma

all the prompts are usable at once!!

(if someone requested it I will extract it)

aaaaaand I want to try this NSFW alphabet too, so if you want, send me the character whom you want it (NSFW alphabet with Dazai example)

Additional info before requesting:

I only write AFAB reader for smut prompts

Please be patient, I have still have requests from the previous event

I don't write in chronological order

Characters I will write for:

Dazai Osamu, Chuuya Nakahara, Jouno Saigiku, Tecchou Suehiro, Sigma, Fyodor Dostoyevsky, Nikolai Gogol

❀ fluff

If you steal the blankets, I’m going to put my cold feets on you.

You are comfy.

A: I’m not feeling well. B: Then that means you are on bed arrest today, and I’m your bed mate.

Don't be silly. I want to stay up with you.

It's not like I've fantasied about you or anything...

Shh, Stop fussing. I'm just braiding your hair.

Would it be all right if I borrowed your sweater? It smells like you.

Here, let's share the blanket.

I heard you talking in your sleep.

You owe me a kiss.

Apparently all our friends have a bet going that we end up together.

Shall I put sunscreen on your back?

Come cuddle.

❦ smut

A:You need to behave! B:Behave? Baby, you don’t like it when I behave.

You are more than just a one night stand.

I could just pull your bikini bottoms to the side, no one will notice.

Please, remind me again, why we are having sex behind a tree?

You look like a fucking dog in heat.

You better use a fucking condom.

First one who make a noise loses.

Don't be so rough, there can't be any marks.

There is only one rule. You can't use your hands.

Your ass or your breasts... the choice is up to you.

You're n-not, um, w-wearing anything under that, are you..?

If I have to stop what I'm doing you won't be able to walk for the next week.

Were you just masturbating?

dividers by: cafekitsune

[bau-bee]

♡*:.𝐏𝐫𝐨𝐦𝐩𝐭𝐬 & 𝐈𝐧𝐟𝐨 𝐋𝐢𝐬𝐭.:*♡

You may NOT post my works as your own. If you see my worksheets published anywhere other than my account please tell me!

Masterlist

𝐈𝐧𝐭𝐫𝐨𝐝𝐮𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧: Hello! I am Bau Bee and I have recently made the decision to start writing here instead and slowly transfer all my old works onto tumblr as fillers for updates. Most of the time I will be taking requests but it is subject to change at any time due to any reason.

𝐀𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐦𝐞: Whilst you can call me by my tag I have absolutely no problem being referred to as a nick name or just my real name! That being Sloane. As you may have observed at the top of this blog I am 21 years old and I am taking college classes as of now.

𝐑𝐮𝐥𝐞𝐬 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐥𝐢𝐦𝐢𝐭𝐬 𝐨𝐧 𝐦𝐲 𝐛𝐥𝐨𝐠: I am a pretty open minded person so a lot of odd/unique requests will be at least considered. However, that’s not to say I don’t have rules, I will not write incest, underage characters, or pedophilia. These limits are NOT negotiable and never will be. Now, as in every blog, MDNI. Even if you do ignore that please don’t interact and brag about being underage and reading my smut or heavy topic angst, I cannot control you but I do expect you to not interact with the blog.

Master Lists

𝐅𝐢𝐧𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐲 𝐰𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐲𝐨𝐮'𝐯𝐞 𝐛𝐞𝐞𝐧 𝐰𝐚𝐢𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐟𝐨𝐫 (𝐨𝐫 𝐬𝐤𝐢𝐩𝐩𝐞𝐝 𝐭𝐨٫ 𝐈 𝐝𝐨𝐧𝐭 𝐛𝐥𝐚𝐦𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮)

𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐬 𝐈 𝐰𝐢𝐥𝐥 𝐰𝐫𝐢𝐭𝐞 𝐟𝐨𝐫!:

Bungou stray dogs:

Dazai Osamu

Nakahara Chuuya

Ranpo Edogawa

Yasano Akiko

Akutagawa Ryuunosuke

Akutagawa Gin

Michizo Tachihara

Doppo Kunikida

Edgar Allan Poe

Sakunosuke Oda

Ango Sakaguchi

Fyodor Dostoevsky

Nikolai Gogol

Sigma

Karma

Call of duty: Modern Warfare 2:

Simon ‘Ghost’ Rylie

Captain Johnathan Price

Sergeant John ‘Soap’ MacTavish

Jujutsu Kaisen:

Gojo Satoru

Yugi Itadori (no smut)

Geto Suguru

Megumi Fushiguro (no smut)

Nobara Kugisaki (no smut)

Shoko Ieiri

Ryomen Sukuna

Choso

Nanami Kento

Toge Inumaki (no smut)

Maki Zenin (no smut)

Genshin Inpactf:

Albedo

Tighnari

Venti

Kazuha

Yanfei

Raiden Shogun

Sucrose

Klee (platonic only)

Yaoyao (platonic only)

Qiqi (platonic only)

Xiao

Nahida (platonic only)

𝐏𝐫𝐨𝐦𝐩𝐭 𝐋𝐢𝐬𝐭:

Explicit Fluff Promots:

♡Baking w/ them!

♡Cuddles w/ them!

♡Going to the park w/ them!

♡Teaching them how to roller-skate!

♡They teach you how to roller-skate!

♡They get baby fever

♡Breaking into an abandoned area with them! (Specify)

♡They come home to you wearing their clothes!

♡Taking a nap on their lap!

♡Tackle hugs with them!

♡Making playlists with them!

And any others you may think of!

Explicit Angst prompts:

(TW on most of these)

☁︎Reader or character have panic attack.(specify on who)

☁︎Miscarriage hurt/comfort

☁︎SH hurt/comfort

☁︎ED hurt/comfort

☁︎Reader or character dies in the others arms (specify on who)

☁︎Arguments (PUH-LEASE I WILL GO WILD)

☁︎Previously abused reader hurt/comfort

And anything else you can think of!

Explict NSFW Prompts:

1.➢ They can’t wait to come home to you

2.➢ You dressed so special for them, why not take advantage of that?

3.➢ You've gotta be quiet just this once

4.➢You give them a visit in their office

5.➢You feel they’ve been a bit too over worked lately, and you plan to help them with that.

6.➢They found your special box.

7.➢You’ve been way too bratty for their liking ;)

8.➢You got too close to someone and they decide to put you in your place.

And any others you may think of!

Quoted Fluff Prompts:

♡ “Well, only if you’ll be there with me.”

2. ♡”I’m in love with you and that’s really all that matters to me.”

3. ♡”Please, for me?”

4. ♡”I think my parents love you more than me at this point”

5. ♡“Stay with me, I don’t want you to leave”

6. ♡”I think I’m in love with you. No, scratch that, I know I am.”

7. ♡“Take me away to a dream world far from here”

8. ♡“Y’ alright, doll?”

9. ♡“You wouldn’t forget me, right?”

10. ♡“Your love has dug me into a hole and I can’t seem to put down the shovel”

11. ♡“You’ve been working for so long my love. Why not take a break with me.”

12.♡“Calm down I’m just braiding your hair.”

13.♡“Its called a hug, dweebatron”

14. ♡“Dance with me”

15. ♡“I dub thee, my cuddle buddy!”

16. ♡“Go ahead and take a nap, sleepyhead”

And any others you may think of!

Quoted Angst Prompts:

☁︎”So did this mean nothing to you?! Did I mean nothing to you?”

☁︎”Please come get me.”

☁︎”It doesn’t have to be this way!”

☁︎”Go ahead, walk out that door and never come back.”

☁︎”God, you are just so annoying! I don’t want to talk to you or even see you!”

☁︎“So why do you even stick around with me?!”

☁︎“Please don’t say you love me.”

☁︎”Just leave before I start missing you.”

☁︎“Why am I always your second choice?”

☁︎“I guess that’s just how little I meant to you.”

☁︎”Don’t do this here.”

☁︎“I know, I know I wasn’t enough. I always did.”

☁︎“Hey, don’t do that, you’ll hurt yourself.”

And any others you may think of!

Quoted NSFW Prompts:

➢”Keep talking like that and I’ll bend you over this table in front of everyone”

➢”Don’t kink shame me!”

➢ “You’re not going out in that.”

➢”You’re not wearing anything under that, are you?”

➢”Put that thing away!”

➢”if you interrupt me one more time during this, so help me god.”

➢”I could just pull your bikini bottoms down right here in front of everyone and you couldn’t do anything about it.”

➢”I’m not jealous! You just happen to be mine…”

➢”Don’t ruin the sofa”

Now that’s all out of the way I would like to mention that I will be taking requests outside of those prompts and at some point I do plan on doing matchups! Also, special thanks to everyone who read this far!

-XOXO Bau Bee

[twinksintrees]

bsd incorrect quotes but the quotes were taken from me and my friend’s dnd quote book

“I hope you go suck a squid “ - Lovecraft

“I’m addicted to bombs but other than that I’m a pretty well rounded person “ -Kaji

“I’m taller than you” - dazai “I’m older than you, I’ll always be older than you” - chuuya “not if you’re dead” - dazai

“Sorry I died” - atsushi

“The orphans need their alcohol” - pretty much the entire ada tbh

“Did you punch it? THEN YEAH IT HAS DENTS!” -kouyou @ chuuya

“If you’re gonna kill somebody at least do it quietly!” -Gin

“the love of my life *turns to woman* what’s your name?” - dazai

“why is everyone crying? what happened? Trick question, I happened “ - mori

“I’ve never been a children.” - akutagawa

“I’m not gonna play into cat stereotypes” -atsushi

“bold of them to assume Im not gonna eat the gag” -dazai

“I fought a dragon with badger” - chuuya

“Ah southern people!” -the guild

“*eagle noise*” - Fitzgerald

“Please don’t just live in a hole” - chuuya when he sees dazai’s shipping container

“Now I know how parents feel” - fukuzawa w ranpo and yosano

“I’m a teen boy I’m always hungry” - kenji

“Don’t hit the puppy with a hammer” -chuuya @ dazai (the puppy is akutagawa)

“It’s a pizza party everyday in the mafia” -the port mafia

“Money doesn’t grow on trees it gets birthed from holes” -Fitzgerald

“You know what’s hot? Eating fruit and taking showers” -kunikida

“There’s no romantic tension it’s meant to be threatening” -soukoku

“I didn’t try to stab Kenji, I tried to punch him” -Tecchou

“You’re having violence without me?” - Akutagawa

“I can’t believe you guys didn’t like my homeless orphan pick up line” - atsushi

Nikolai, staring Fyodor dead in the eyes: “concuss me baby”

“My head is a weapon” - ranpo

“Has Nikolai ever killed one of his lovers?” “We all make mistakes in the heat of passion” - Sigma and Fyodor

“I am in a threesome with writing and sleep” -Poe

“Small? No. I’m big boy” -ranpo

“I forgot I had a gun in my mouth and kissed my lover! Oh no!” -s5 soukoku

“Can his catch phrase be ‘time to bite the bullet’?” -soukoku when vampire chuuya

“Dazai I’m feeling less bad about shooting you” -‘vampire’ chuuya

“Me and the boys know all about religion” -Nathaniel Hawthorne (also fyodor)

*deep voice* “boom boom for the orphans” -when oda’s orphans died

“If I would turn into a horse would I be free” -Nikolai

“what are you doing, are you just eating ham and laughing!?” -kunikida @ ranpo

“do you have any idea how much your head is worth” -Akutagawa @ atsushi (i can hear this in his voice so clearly)

“If we weren’t homeless you’d be grounded” -when the ada were on the run in s4

“Who needs a gender when your in love with a boat” -Herman Melville

[atalina-falling]

bsd analysis: ichiyō higuchi

I’ve had this in my notes app drafts for a long time, but here it is. My analysis on Higuchi, who is, in my opinion, one of the most underrated characters in BSD. Note that I’m not the first person to do an analysis on her and I likely won’t be the last, so there may be things in here that others have already pointed out before. With that said, let’s get into it. No spoilers this time:

pattern of idolization

[ch 14: translated by easygoing scans]

Higuchi’s devotion to Akutagawa is one of her most defining traits. While BSD has several characters who idolize their peers to an unhealthy degree, Higuchi stands out in that a) we still don’t have an explanation for her feelings, and b) this idolization is not based on a connection between the real-life authors. Below, I’ll give examples of other characters who also share this kind of codependent relationship and explain how Higuchi differs from the pattern:

Akutagawa and Dazai

Akutagawa chases after Dazai’s approval because of the way Dazai abused him in the Mafia and subsequently abandoned him afterwards. In real life, their roles were reversed, with Dazai greatly looking up to Akutagawa and trying to win the Akutagawa prize.

Poe and Ranpo

Poe idolizes Ranpo’s intelligence and previously made it his goal to defeat him after Ranpo beat him in a game of deduction. In real life, Ranpo looked up to Poe as a mystery author and even modeled his pen name after Poe.

Nikolai and Fyodor

Nikolai considers Fyodor the only person who will ever understand his messed up psyche. In real life, Fyodor was inspired by Nikolai’s work and the two shared similar political views, although they never met.

The reason that Higuchi breaks this pattern is because a) her reasons for chasing after Akutagawa are unknown, and b) as far as I’m aware, the two authors had no connection in real life. Higuchi lived centuries before Akutagawa and while some famous authors did acknowledge her work (eg. Mori), Akutagawa was not one of them. (If someone ends up discovering a link between them, please let me know, since my Japanese is still not great so all the research I do is in English). Higuchi’s actions in the story show that her feelings for Akutagawa go far beyond simple infatuation: from staying in the Mafia just for him, to stalking him when she sees him with another girl.

relationship with Akutagawa

It’s worth looking at Akutagawa’s character to see what exactly Higuchi might idolize about him. Akutagawa is cruel and senselessly violent. While Higuchi is most likely desensitized from working in the Mafia, it’s been shown several times that she does not enjoy violence and only carries it out when necessary.

[ch 4: translated by easygoing scans]

However, though she might not enjoy Akutagawa’s excessive violence, it’s possible that she looks up to it as a form of strength. Higuchi has been shown to doubt her own strength and value within the Mafia. Meanwhile, Akutagawa is infamously known as the Rabid Dog. Not only does his violence earn him fear and respect, it‘a also what makes the Black Lizard respect Higuchi by extension. At least until chapter 14, where she proves herself by going in to rescue Akutagawa alone. But even after her subordinates learn to respect her, Higuchi still remains devoted to Akutagawa.

Higuchi also hasn’t shown attraction to anyone else in the story. Unlike Dazai, who is naturally flirty and has canonically had multiple failed relationships with women (L), the only time Higuchi ever shows attraction is towards Akutagawa. This makes it less likely that she acts this way towards all her love interests and this is simply a part of her personality.

her eyes

Harukawa once mentioned that they purposefully draw deranged characters with larger and darker pupils, while characters with a chance for redemption have more light in their eyes. Higuchi’s pupils in the manga are half light, half dark, making her one of the Mafia members with the lightest eyes. This could tie in with her wanting to leave the Mafia and goes to show that if not for Akutagawa, she could blend back into society and find a peaceful job with relative ease.

[uploaded by easygoing scans]

unknown ability

Higuchi is one of the few characters with an unknown ability. Back in 2018, Asagiri tweeted about not having decided on a name for her ability yet (look how many exclamation marks lol).

[translated by @Chibikko_Chuuya on Twitter]

In real life, Higuchi’s most well known work was called Takekurabe, which literally means “comparing heights” but is usually translated as Growing Up or Child’s Play. However, the fact that Asagiri struggled to decide on a name for her ability may suggest that it’s either unrelated to her literary work (eg. Oda’s Flawless) or derived from a combination of multiple works (eg. Poe’s Black Cat in the Rue Morgue). Shoutout to @/nikadoesanart for pointing out the second possibility on Discord over a year ago when we first discussed this.

parallels with Tachihara

My theory is that Higuchi’s development will be similar to Tachirara’s. Both started out as side characters with an unknown ability. However, in the DOA arc, Tachirara’s ability was revealed and he suddenly became very important to the plot. Along with his ability, his backstory and motives were also explored and he underwent a lot of development in a short amount of time. It’s very possible that this is what we’ll see with Higuchi as well. Once her ability is revealed, she’ll play a much larger role in the upcoming plot and much of her character—including the backstory of how she ended up in the Mafia and her reasons for being obsessed with Akutagawa—will be explained.

sources

Sources for the historical connections I mentioned between the real-life authors are a little all over the place, especially when it comes to the Japanese writers (doing research in English really is a limitation). However, I’ll do my best to compile them:

This post by @/bsd-bibliophile is honestly the best online source I found regarding Dazai and his relationship to Akutagawa. Much of it is a summary of the book Self Portraits: Tales from the life of Japan's Great Decadent Romantic.

There’s also an image scan here of the letter Dazai wrote to Haruo Satō, one of the judges for the Akutagawa Prize, the first time he failed to win the award.

Edogawa Ranpo naming himself after Edgar Allen Poe is probably literary trivia at this point and is mentioned below the information chart on his Wikipedia page.

Nikolai being a literary influence for Fyodor is explored in this 227 page-long PhD dissertation which I probably don’t recommend reading unless you have lots of time, but the section “The Role of Nikolai Gogol in Fyodor Dostoevsky’s Literary Mind” (pages 4-16) has a lot of information about the relationship between the two authors.

[spacexseven]

nikolai goes out of his way to find newspaper articles about sk reader and drops it somewhere in their place so they can wake up and see pages and pages and photos of all their victims and the crime scenes and the ridiculous theories some people have

A: TUNA, TUNA, YOU CAN'T JUST TYPE THIS AND GO!! Nikolai just has a whiteboard or a wall of newspaper articles now adoring his walls(maybe even the casino). Little cards and books collect pictures of past victims, vaguely familiar only because of the ever growing collection of abilities, instead of bookmarks. sticky notes attached to pre-record podcasts, videos, and cds of live television speaking of SK Reader’s acts. Lists of Forums that hunat after the ever so mysterious murders, all of which are hilariously wrong, or in the off chance, a little bit correct, that commentator seems to simply disappear…

SK having a morning routine and waking up to their own collection of notes, pictures, and smiley faces of their favorite ability user.

the time he watched them steal oguri's ability, he insisted on walking w them back to the train station because "haven't you heard? there's a serial killer targeting ability users right now. you shouldn't be walking around alone."

SHAUSBSBSH. I’m so normal about them. really. I can imagine Nikolai dressed as a police officer or maybe a salary man and from an outsider’s pov they just see a “worried” man and their companion walking together, too far away to hear their seemingly normal conversation: both of them commenting of corpses and the new abilities that SK reader has gained and the uses they have. the usual daily slice of life stuff.

But also, imagine: The heat of human contact of Nikolai’s hand brushing against SK Reader while they come down from their high of their recent kill (rip oguri man x2 because these two weirdos are doing their weird murder courtship thingy). The faint moonlight makes Nikolai seem almost ethereal, but there’s hunger in his eyes. The same hunger that SK Reader knows so well, after all, it’s the same hunger SK Reader always sees in their own eyes. The faint upward tugging of his lips makes the slight smile on his lips akin to ghastly, macabre snarl. He walks them back to the train station that always seems to connect and depart Nikolai from SK Reader. The conversation changes from the local show, yokohama politics, food, the corpses that seem to pile in alleyways and the abilities that grow under their heart skin. The growing hunger grows under SK Reader’s heart, but it’s different from before. They ignore it. (I lowkey believe this is probably the one of the first signs or the key moment SK Reader falls for Nikolai in their own weird way)

their first kill was some small time ability user; they didn't know about how their ability worked until this point

A pickpocket. A nameless ghost. Either way the idea that Nikolai grows to resent a stranger is delicious and laughable. (or maybe an unfortunate fool that grew curious about SK Reader and had terrible luck)

I like to think they're working their way into the heart of yokohama, where the ada and pm reside. Yokohama is known for having multiple active ability groups so it's where their later kills will be focused. ango, oda, hirotsu and akutagawa were tasked to find sk reader first, which is how they ended up being killed by sk reader. initially these names were near the bottom of their list, since they were planning on slowly infiltrating yokohama, and killing off prominent users would hardly let them work unnoticed

THEY HAVE A LITRLE LIST. Oh my beloved SK reader. They probably took their time to think it through and write each one, or maybe SK reader is simply impulsive. I love them either way.

Also Flawless? That’s so heartbreaking for Dazai. Oda gets sent after SK Reader or maybe he just happens upon them and feels a familiar feeling: Dazai and his own shadow, and Oda attempts to be a good person. Regardless it ends with his life taken, but imagine a survivor au with a different obsession aka Oda and the murder black comedy of roommate, SK Reader. SK reader probably traumatized Oda’s orphans and it would be pretty messed up if Dazai just found his best friend’s cooling corpse and in the corner a huddling group of weeping children. Or maybe SK Reader drew them away, no reasons for nuisances in their way. Oda is alone when he dies. Rehabilitation au with Oda, or maybe a slap in the face for Dazai if ADA decides to rehabilitate SK and he finds himself falling for the awful murder who took Oda’s life away. A toxic, awful, yandere fest because Dazai doesn’t mean to fall in love and most likely SK Reader is probably pining after Nikolai or Simply not interested because Dazai isn’t “fun” as his ability is.

i'm still working on sk reader's ability, but their ability allows them to take the ability of users they kill, so that's another main motivator. they kill for the ability they want to have. it probably started out as a survival thing, but now they just do it for the ability.

SK Reader’s ability is fascinating. I really adore how it weaves into their wants of collecting abilities and how maybe, in a kinder world, if they could copy abilities they “probably” wouldn’t kill people, but we love one awful serial killer.

it just looks like random murders to the public, though it appears to be done by the same person. a lot of ability users don't let others know about their abilities, so it's the special division and other ability user groups that figure out the murderer is only targeting ability users first

Ooh! maybe the first person they kill has an ability that gets information?? And SK just collects info by that, or they’re just a stalker and stalk after every lead of an ability.

uh no name yet bc im not creative enough for that haha

fair. I’m also v bad with names. :V

i think it'll be hard to write anything between ada and sk reader except for them wanting to throw them in jail bc dazai is obvs going to be very upset about oda's death, and fukuzawa wants to restore order to ability users in yokohama. sk reader is like. an irredeemable bad guy ㅠㅠ

I love an irredeemable bastard reader,and it be pretty fun if somebody out in the Stray dogs universe is delusional enough to believe that SK reader is misunderstood or “can be fixed” (thinking about delusional oda or maybe jouno, maybe fukuzawa 🤔). No, but like antagonism relationships are soo good.

pm, since mori sent his people after sk reader i don't think he'll be as upset as surprised. he might actually try to recruit sk reader or at least see what they're up to bc they killed many of his strong members already. i don't think the other mafioso will be too thrilled about meeting sk reader though…

Most PM members have someone or something that connects to an ability, so the idea of somebody hunting them to kill them or someone else for their ability immediately means SK reader is on their blacklist. Love that for them. Hunting dogs x SK reader is so fascinating. Jouno and SK reader would really make a good dynamic to work with. Sadistic protector from Jouno, but SK is more bloodthirsty for the idea instead of the act itself. SK reader doesn't seem to find the act of torture, but rather the process of the hunt, entertaining. but both cruel bastards either way.

i think for this au, the hunting dogs and doa make for the best in terms of characters to explore sk readers dynamics with so i can talk more about that later if you want ^-^ ( & adding this one too + ) man...im such a sucker for the villain x detective trope like yukito is literally haunting my dreams i am obsessed w the idea of him going after sk reade

YUKITO!!!!! Him falling for irredeemable bastard sk reader. Maybe it starts with him only connecting the murders by a “witness” (see nikolai or sk reader themself) and it spirals to a obsessive unhealthy chase of both prey and predator and rival with SK reader. (Ranpo can be aplied to this. For any ada member this is a blow to their heart and ego because falling for a murderous monster??? oh the horrors) - rambling again, but thank you again so much Tuna. I’m literally just writing notes about ideas spilling from this au. - 🦄

ahahhha wow this was Long thank you for such a detailed response :DD

nikolai hates that he doesn't know all your victims. is it curiousity or eome twisted form of jealousy, that there were so many others that got your attention before him? thing is, it's not publicly known exactly how many victims you have, and it's not something you tell anyone, either. that list of yours is also constantly on your person (he hasn't seen it, but the day he does, any jealousy dissipates immediately when his is the only name on the list). he sticks to obsessively researching you instead, saves any and all mention of you and your crimes, even has a personal, hidden, collection of things about the you that everyone else knew. a copy of your workplace id card, pictures of you from a friend's social media, anything he can get his hands on

ahhhh yes!!! he makes sure to silence any netizen who seems to understand youand your direction, and logs into forums to discuss you with others. not like any of these strangers had ever had the chance to witness you at work—so all their comments were just meaningless garbage.

along with newspaper clippings, nikolai leaves you print outs of people who support your actions, people who, after word gets around that your victims included mafioso and an ex-assassin, are more intrigued by you. it all irritates you, but if you ever show any amusement at what you read, nikolai would personally go to finish off whoever had your attention like that

(my poor baby oguri...will write some good bf stuff for him later)

oh...he's sick, turning up to a crime scene dressed as a police officer. he shines a flashlight at you and says "hands up!" in such a cheerful tone that it has your heart skipping a beat. and when you're walking back with him, whoever would suspect you just killed a man? nobody would think that nikolai was telling you that a friend of his worked with mushitaro oguri—so that's the user's name—before, or that you reply about not caring to learn about a dead man's name.

nobody sees how nikolai's wicked smile falters when you tell him you'd much rather look into his (still alive) ability user friend, and nobody hears him trying to distract you by asking about your ability.

(the bit about the moonlight and falling in love w nikolai gahhhh im sobbing so good. soo good.)

if only your ability didn't need you to kill...in that case, are you really to blame? such what-ifs only work in your favor, and if it comes to the point for a majority believes that you're needed alive, if only because you can be a wonderful weapon for the special division (much like how despite how his ability is considered the most dangerous, ayatsuji is kept alive and working), and the ada is given the work of keeping you alive and preventing you from harming others...then yes i can make a wonderful little thing w yan dazai (and ada) hehehe

or you know. dazai is losing himself in the desire to get revenge on the person who killed oda. but while trying to find you, somehow it turns into him learning more about you. somehow your evil existence turns into something addictive and alluring for him. who are you, really? dazai feels like he's the only one who knows. and you're the last connection between him and oda (since ango is gone too), so he's even more fixated on you. if you went after them, then why not him? everyone knows the infamous ability nullifier, right? cherry on top is if you blatantly tell him you have no use for his ability. i think it'd break him to the point where he completely loses himself

there is a network of ability users that if you know where to look, you can find. it's the easiest way to identify most of the ability users in an area. personally i like to think as an ability user, there's something about other ability users that catch your eye. maybe it's the way they look at other, regular people, maybe it's the way they move as though nothing can faze them. they tend to know other users too, so finding one can lead you down a whole other path of ability users waiting for you.

jouno w sk reader. bc of his backstory i think he can find it easier to relate? to you. he thinks you can be brought over to fight for justice instead. with an ability like that, you can go after many of the evildoing users out there, and you can keep their abilities. the hd would be happy to have you, but jouno makes this a...personal project. he doesn't involve them until he's sure you'll accept the offer to work w them