#I’m guess who has a new hyperfixation

[dumb-teambucciarati-headcanons]

Jjba Part 5 severance AU thoughts:

- Diavolo is the CEO of ‘passion’ which is essentially lumon in this au.

- Doppio and Trish are both his innies. Both used for different reasons. He does different hairstyles for work depending on who he is going to wake up that day. Eventually he decides to retire Trish because her work wasn’t needed anymore. Sparking an uprising.

-bucciaratis crew (MDR like the canon severance main crew) are all innies, as in their part 5 canon personalities are the innies. Their outies are different, but with some of their canon backstory. Although it depends on the character. I’ll get to that later.

- Bucciarati was a very dedicated worker but started seeing suspicious things about the work he was doing. The nail in the coffin was when he was told Trish was ‘retiring’, he doesn’t understand how you could just end the life of someone so young.

- similarly to what happens in golden wind, all of them betray the organization except for Fugo. Fugo knows his life can end at any time if his outie chooses, and would rather spend the time he has with friends and working on something he believes is important.

- La squadra is there and they are enemies because of manipulation from the organization. Wars happen between Bucciaratis crew and La squadra, but mostly in the form of silly office pranks taken too seriously.

- cioccolata and secco are the Cobel and Milchick of this au, in terms of work positions. Team building games consist of throwing sugar cubes at secco, his idea.

Character headcanons, they are all in their 20s in this au because it makes more sense in an office job sorta way. Except for Fugo, he is a teenager.

Giorno:

Innie- his outies (Dios) strong desire to not be bossed around by anyone awoke in Giorno when he woke up on that table. The first thing he did was have a conversation with Bucciarati about his newfound dream to take over the organization and dismantle it. He believed it to be unethical what they are doing. because Dio has a strong sense of what’s ethical and what’s not, and likes to choose the least ethical option always. Giorno got that too, but applied it differently. Except for stealing, he likes to take all the finger traps when seccos not looking.

Outie- is on the board, goes by ‘Dio’. Same personality as Dio from jjba. Is very rich, and has a bunch of girlfriends. And boyfriends. Named his innie “Giorno” because only he can be referred to as “Dio”.

Bruno:

Innie: group leader, or manager or whatever. Started out very dedicated to the company, thinking they did so much good for the world. Goes by bucciarati. He is very kind of course. His group looks up to him. Whenever he gets a dance party he always chooses “defiant jazz”. Eventually learned about the testing floor, accidentally. And then the trish situation.

Outie: goes by Bruno. thinks severance is unethical and horrible, got severed so he could get on the severed floor to take down the company. Think outie Irving. Thought out a whole plan to keep his innie alive after he took down the company, because he didn’t want to cause someone to exist for his own desires and then just end their life. That would be horrible. Also his dad is on the testing floor and he knows this, so that drove his decision to get severed. Despite his feelings about severance, he got a tattoo of a brain with a zipper in the middle zipping it in half. He thought it might communicate to his innie that he is thinking of him. Hopes to reintegrate.

Abbacchio:

Innie: feels regret but isn’t sure why. Very serious about his job, but views his job as serving bucciarati. Bucciarati is the only reason he feels motivated to do anything. The first voice you ever hear must be the one you need to trust.

Outie: abbacchios outie is actually the one with the failed police officer backstory. Lived in regret for a while until he took a job, hoping that his innie would be able to be the righteous person he wished he was. And also the whole “drowning out the pain for eight hours a day” thing. Didn’t realize passion was an unethical company and now regrets ever making someone work there endlessly.

Mista:

Innie: insists all of the “scary numbers” they are always searching for are all fours. Was ok with just chilling and doing work but he is kinda ride or die and bucciaratis speech was very passionate so he revolted. Doesn’t care about the company anyways, and would like to actually receive his paychecks so. Insists that he deserves extra food so he can feed it to his six imaginary goblin friends that annoy him.

Outie: his outie also goes by Mista and he got severed because he is lazy as fuck. He didn’t think of the moral implications, just heard he can go up an elevator and then down and be done and was like “yeah! Let’s do this!”. Is a nice guy and thinks innies are people and all that, just lazy.

Narancia:

Innie: very trusting, didn’t think anything weird about the company and trusted bucciarati immediately. Doesn’t trust his outie, has threatened to cut off his fingers and all that to get back at him, which caused bucciarati to yell at him. Bucciaratis not one for spiteful revenge. He thinks bucciaratis the coolest. He is incredibly slow at getting work done, slacks off a lot and sometimes falls asleep. Bucciarati is always scolding him, but is very concerned about the sleep thing.

Outie: his dad disowned him, and he saw that if he was willing to get a brain procedure he could work a job with little experience. So yeah he did that. Desperate times call for desperate measures. I guess. Would rather not work. Hasn’t graduated highschool yet and doesn’t care. Kind of a loser. Believes his innie isn’t a person and told him that once. Lowkey not a good person. Stays up late partying and drinking, causing innie Narancia to have a rough work day.

Fugo:

Innie: very dedicated to work because bucciarati is. The fastest worker of the group, and the one who is most interested in reading the handbook. Irving from season 1 essentially, but more doubtful of the company. Short temper of course. He is also dedicated to work because he feels it’s his purpose, and believes he isn’t a person. Sometimes tries to convince the others of the same thing. But if very angry about that fact. His outie went to work sick once and he spread a virus to everyone, giving him the nickname “virus”.

Outie: forced to get severed by his parents. Forced to work for this company. Actually a teenager. Gifted child college degree yknow the drill. Has intense bitterness about his situation that translates into innie Fugos short temper. But outie Fugo doesn’t have anger issues. Wishes he did. Outie Fugo doesn’t believe he is a person, similarly to innie Fugo. Has something to do with what happened with his college professor. Writes dark poetry under the code name “purple Haze”. Edgy as fuck.

Trish:

Innie: headstrong and likes bossing people around. Secretly very scared, knew from the start that her life was to be a short one. But she made some friends and doesn’t want it to end.

Outie: as stated you top, Trish is an innie of diavolos. Who would never use his real name for an innie to go by. The board refers to him as “the boss”. Trish identifies as a female, while her outie is a male.

More headcanons to come :) (La squadra)

If this sparks any inspiration for fanfic ideas for anyone feel free to use my headcanons I am cool with it. And if any of you has any ideas for this au, please tell me!! Would love to bounce thoughts around!!

[hellsbellssinclub]

More Laura Kinney x Stephanie Brown because I am now investing I making this ship a thing.

Traditional art made with water colour markers and pencils on water colour paper. Not overly happy with the material used but still had fun.

This one is called “thank fuck we are alive”

I might try and redraw this later on with different materials. And maybe fix that fucking hand. And give it a back ground ect

As always this will be up on my ao3 sometime soon and will join the rest of my rare pair hell.

Characters drawn are Laura Kinney x-23 and Stephanie Brown Batgirl

[mycological-mariner]

Siiiiiiigh fine

I’m taking this as my cue to finally start Kidnapped

[arreat]

more Poolverine shit cause the hyperfixation is not fading

Logan has issues with abandonment and being alone, anyone who knows anything about his past could probably guess this. So when Wade W Wilson barrels into his life to drag the sad alcoholic out of his miserable world, invites him to live together, and gives him what is essentially a new lease on life, it’s a little bit of an understatement to say Logan got a little attached to Wade.

Now this would all be fine and dandy if Logan didn’t have a shitload of trauma and all, but hey I wouldn’t be writing this if things went smoothly would I?

While with Wade, Logan has gotten irreversibly attached to him. The banter, the domesticity, and the feeling of being accepted by someone is something Logan hadn’t felt in a while. He can’t ever get fully drunk due to his dealing factor, but god, Wade’s kindness and adoration makes him feel like he’s pretty fucking close. But as the two spend more time together, Logan is always waiting for the other shoe to drop, for him to do something that will disappoint Wade and damage their relationship. What if Wade kicks him out, or even worse, slowly realize the Wolverine isn’t actually worth helping? Logan can’t help but think that one day Wade will stop being impressed by him since he’s no longer useful, just a sad, washed-up, alcoholic tool that’s only occasionally handy for timeline saving.

So, Logan makes himself useful. Cooking for the two, cleaning the living space, trying to find a job to cover rent, taking care of the dog, Logan does it all in a desperate attempt to stay in his perception of Wade’s good graces. Wade certainly doesn’t complain about it, offering to help on occasions but being refused by a grumpy Wolverine.

What brings the status quo all crashing down one day is a simple comment from Wade before they’re about to head to bed,

“Hey peanut, you consider ever moving out?” Of course to Wade, it was just a harmless question, giving Logan an out in case he preferred living without a chatty ADHD cancer tumor and a blind woman in a cramped area. So when Logan suddenly tenses aggressively as his breaths become more laboured, Wade is confused. Suddenly, all of the possible things Logan has done “wrong” flashed through his head. Was it because he accidentally stabbed Wade while sleeping? Was he too harsh on the merc, telling him to shut up? Did he snore too loud, or did Wade just get sick of the close proximity? For all the joking Wade did, Logan couldn’t get a proper read on what he actually meant. The Wolverine slowly stood up and faced Wade, voice barely audible and breathing harshly.

“Wade. Are you telling me to move out?”

“You doing ok there peanut? Feel your water break or something?” Wade joked weakly, surprised by the sudden change in Logan’s demeanour, failing to lighten the mood. In fact , the deflection made Logan’s expression even worse, as he thought Wade was just being nice and not explicitly stating he wanted him out of here. At this moment, Logan realizes he is not above begging to stay with the merc. He can’t bear to look at Wade as he stammers,

“Please don’t make me leave, I promise I’ll be useful to you, tell me what you need me to be. Please.” Logan rasped, slowly staggering towards the merc, hands desperately grabbing at Wade’s arms. The merc tries to speak, but gets interrupted.

“I can be useful Wade, you need help taking hits? Is it something physical you want with me? You’re always joking about my abs and “tits” and shit, you want that?” Logan pleads in an increasingly maniacal tone. Wade, horrified at Logan’s statement interrupts.

“No what- what are you taking about? I’m not forcing you to move out, Logan, it was just a suggestion!”

Logan still can’t bring himself to face Wade, suddenly ashamed at his words. He attempts to turn and leave, but is stopped by Wade as the merc continues.

“Pookie look at me, yes I know difficult task, but I need you to know I’m being serious when I say you don’t owe me anything.” Wade says.

“I don’t know what perception you have of me, but I would never coerce you to do something that you weren’t into because you felt the need to repay me for god knows what reasons. Consent is mandatory AND very sexy. In fact, I’m very happy to have you living with me, I just asked to make sure YOU wanted to live with ME.”

Wade rambles on while reassuring Logan, but at this point poor wolvie is overwhelmed with the idea that Wade actually wants him here? It’s a novel concept that someone would want Logan just for being Logan. It was never about who he was as a person, only the role he could fill. Bad guy, good guy, the Wolverine, a weapon, all his life he tried to live up to labels and expectations, thrown away if he didn’t meet them. He always needed to impress, to be useful to get people to stay.

Tears gently rolled down his face as Wade brushed them away softly, guiding the two to bed. “Shhh it’s alright honey badger, we can talk more about this in the morning. You’re tired, let’s get you to bed first” the merc whispers as he walks.

The two eventually go to bed, Logan falling asleep tucked against Wade while listening to his heartbeat Both had their arms wrapped tight around each other, Logan finally feeling safe in someone’s embrace for once.

(They then had a healthy conversation about stuff and yeah this post is getting too long and the author doesn’t want to write more dialogue rn 👍)

[goldenlikedayl1ght]

just like heaven | connor, rk800

ART CREDIT: @possumy (Original post) a/n: hi everybody happy april im happy to still be here my detroit become human hyperfixation is alive and well. also so much love to @possumy if you see this and want me to change the header, i will!!! please just send me a dm/ask!! your art was just perfect for how i was imagining connor to look in this fic and its just. i am obsessed with it your art is so lovely. and one more shoutout to this post by @salt-and-a-dash-of-pepper made that sort of inspired this fic. warnings: cursing, kissing, connor being autistic and also learning emotional regulation, connors first relationship, fuck gavin reed, Gavin is awful to Connor and is weird to reader, canon typical violence, connor snaps at reader, connor is so awkward, mostly canon accurate, established relationship, bridge to terabithia, hank is hank, lots of complicated emotions lots of connor learns how to be a person, uhhh i guess thats it wordcount: 3.1k summary: connor feels a lot of strong emotions and has no 'emotional regulation' feature. pairing: deviant!connor, rk800 x gn!reader now playing: just like heaven - the cure "show me how you do it/and i promise you/ i promise that I'll run away with you/i'll run away with you"

The one thing no one ever tells you about being a deviant is that you need to learn emotional regulation, you know, that thing that small children learn in elementary school?

…Well maybe someone did tell Connor, given how long he spent hunting deviants before becoming one.

But with the revolution and the high stakes scenario surrounding Detroit, he sort of.. skipped that step.

Now, as the dust settles, he’s… adjusting to his new life. And there are so many things that are new-- 

Including emotions. He never imagined feeling the sort of things he does now..

So, here’s an incomplete list of the emotions that Connor deals with after becoming deviant.

--

Anger

He can’t help himself. He can’t control it.

Gavin Reed is just so fucking annoying.

And he can’t figure out why—

Androids are on their way to becoming human’s equals. Sure, they’re not there yet because humans are in fact self-righteous creatures who are very stubborn, but slowly, more and more are becoming increasingly tolerant.

Except for Gavin. He still hates androids. Especially Connor.

And all he wanted was to make you a coffee before you got out of your meeting with a witness, a human with a sharp disdain for androids. Hank had gone with you to ask the right questions.

So, he went into the breakroom to make you a warm drink..

That’s what boyfriends do, right?

“What’re you doing, bolts?”

Even at the sound of his voice, a pang of agitation ran through him.

“I’m making coffee for—”

The cup is smacked out of his hand and into the nearby sink before he can fully turn around.

Anger immediately starts to build in the pit of his stomach.

“Androids don’t drink coffee,” He reminded, “Androids don’t eat or drink anything. Stop fucking pretending you’re like everyone else.” He spits, and Connor takes a moment.

He inhales, remembering your advice.

Just ignore him, Connor. He’s a dick who just wants to make you feel as worthless as he does.

“It’s not for me.” He starts, turning now to go make you another cup of coffee, but before he can turn, Gavin grabs his shoulder to turn him again.

“Who’s it for then, Bolts?” He asks, and he steps closer to Connor, his face closer to his. Connor’s cheeks twitch, resisting the urge to scrunch his nose at the smell of cigarettes that wafts off him. “Hank?” When Connor doesn’t answer, Gavin’s face lights up in realization.

“Oh, it’s for your little crush. What a pair you two make.” Gavin scoffs. “For a bot, you have good taste. I might just have to show them what a real man could—”

Connor can’t help himself. He shoves Gavin back a bit. It makes Gavin laugh.

“I’ve been waiting to beat the shit out of you since you attacked me in the archive.” He says, swinging a punch Connor’s way before he can even react.

-

You thought your session with the witness was going well. Then, from outside the interrogation room, you heard shouting. You glanced over to Hank, your movements coming to a stop.

“Uh,” He clears his throat and stands up, nodding you over to the door, “We’ll be right back, Ma’am.” He says to the witness.

Your stomach fills with dread, hoping Connor was able to stay out of trouble (Yeah, right.).

You see the crowd gathering around the breakroom, and before you can even ask yourself who this fight could be between.. Gavin Reed is thrown across the precinct, and you realize who the other person in this fight is.

Hank realizes it too as Gavin gets up and quickly runs at Connor, as they start to hit each other, fighting like two hormonal, angry teenagers. It’s certainly what Connor feels like in this moment. Well, it would be, if Connor was thinking about anything except seeing Reed’s blood splattered across the precinct floor.

Hank looks to you and before you can register his strides towards the fight, he says,

“I’ll get Reed, you get Connor out of here.”

You’re the one who wanted to date him, remember?

You shove through the crowd, pushing big burly cops who should definitely break this fight up cheer—They’re either cheering for the long overdue ass-kicking of Gavin Reed or the annoying android that won’t seem to quit.

You move to Connor as Hank pulls Gavin back, face bloody but no longer throwing punches—Still hurling insults.

“Connor!” You raise your voice as best you can, and you even hear a few giggles from behind you. To your coworkers, it sounds like a cat trying to bark. Connor takes a step towards Reed but the sound of your voice pulls him out of this trance.

His head snaps towards you, and you can see the way he’s panting; Not from exhaustion. Androids don’t run out of breath.

Connor’s chest is falling dramatically, up and down, because of the hot anger that flows through him. Blue blood runs down his face, staining his shirt. His knuckles are wiped in Reed’s blood, and he turns towards you with such anger.

And then he blinks, his LED blinking yellow. But he’s still angry. All you can think to do is grab his wrist and pull him away to one of the bathrooms.

Connor leans against the sink, just breathing heavily. He doesn’t say anything as you slip off his jacket, and then his tie. You untie it and run it under warm water in the sink. He’s still seething as you use the tie to wipe away the blue blood from under his nose, dripped down his lips, down his chin and neck.

“What happened?” You ask after a moment.

Connor’s LED flashes red and his grip on the sink tightens.

“What do you think happened?”

A frown tugs on your lips.

“I think you let Reed get to you.”

Connor’s LED blinks red again.

“Get to me? He was fishing for a fight, and I just—” He feels his anger bubbling again. “I couldn’t take it anymore—”

You believe him.

“It’ll get easier,” You start, and Connor just shakes his head.

“Stop it,” He turns from you, pacing around the bathroom.

“It will, he’ll get tired of it, and—”

“You don’t know that!” He snaps, raising his voice at you.

You freeze. So does Connor.

Your name tumbles from his lips, and you let out a breath you didn’t realize you were holding.

“I’m sorry,” Connor says softly, “I didn’t mean to yell at you, I just.. I got so angry, and I know that’s not an excuse, I just..” Connor’s shoulders finally slump, exhaustion taking over his anger. “I can’t stand the way he talks about you.”

The two of you look at each other, both of you looking for the other to break this silence with sage words of wisdom.

But, neither of you find the words.

Instead, you just step forward and wrap your arms around him, and he doesn’t hesitate to hug back. Connor inhales and exhales deeply. He’s found these hugs to be the best solution to these intense outbursts.

-

Sadness

Fridays become movie night.

You, Connor and Hank order a pizza and longue on the couch, Sumo at your feet. When movie night first started, Connor challenged Hank to be sober for it. So, he no longer drinks on Fridays. But, in exchange for his sobriety, Hank challenges Connor to experiment with showing affection for you.

It starts with making you tea or snacks, but slowly, you find yourself with his arm around your shoulder, or his hand intwined with yours.

That doesn’t really affect this story, but you think about it every Friday night.

Tonight, you’ve chosen to watch this old movie your mom always put on for you as a kid—Bridge To Terabithia.

Connor enjoys it more than he thought he would, but then he gets towards the end. His face falls when he sees the solemn tone the main character comes home to after a day at the museum.. He feels this.. horrible sadness, and he’s not sure when he starts to cry..

All he knows is that he watches the last few moments of the movie with tears running down his face. He glances to the side and notices your eyes on him. A wave of embarrassment washes over him, and he feels like he’s done something wrong by crying at a stupid kid’s movie.

That feeling goes away when he feels your head leaning on his shoulder.

-

Jealousy

Another emotion Connor just cannot help but feel.

He’s not stupid—You’re gorgeous, of course people are going to flirt with you! The worst part, in his opinion is the fact that you don’t even seem to notice it.

You’ll go out to dinner, and the waitress will give you a free dessert.

You’ll get phone numbers from witnesses.

And worst of all?

Gavin loves to flirt with you.

Connor is just sitting at his desk, painstakingly waiting for you to step out of the interrogation room where you’re helping interview a perp for a case Reed’s working on. He knows you have no interest in Reed. In fact, you really fucking hate Reed, the way he tortures poor Connor. But even more than that, you have no interest in Reed because you are utterly devoted to Connor, even if he doesn’t see that.

His head picks up when he sees you and Gavin leaving the room, talking by the doorway. What were you two talking about?

And Connor is very bad at social cues, so he squints, trying to analyze your body language to gauge what you’re feeling in this moment.

Hank is talking about—Well, Connor doesn’t know what he’s talking about, he stopped paying attention to the subject matter a couple of minutes ago. He’s trying to assess how quickly he can cross the room and rip Gavin’s hand off as it lands on your upper arm.

“And then, I said—” Connor is up and moving as Hank talks, “Connor, what the fuck—Oh, god,” That last part happens when Hank realizes what has grabbed Connor’s attention.

“Detective Reed,” He starts, and to you, it feels like he just shows up out of thin air, “I believe I heard Captain Fowler was looking for you.”

Reed scoffs, stuffing his hands in his pockets. “Yeah, bolts?” He rolls his eyes, “Guess I should see what the old man wants.” His eyes flicker to you, glancing you up and down, “See you later, hun.”

Connor recognizes the pet name. Pet names. A very human quirk that Connor cannot seem to get the hang of. But, he can certainly try, no?

An arm is wrapped around your shoulder, but because Connor is not a physically affectionate person, your face twists in confusion.

“Goodbye, Detective.” His head tilts towards you, “Would you like to get lunch.. darling?”

You smile at his awkwardness.

“Sure. Lunch sounds nice.” And you let him walk you out of the police station, not even sure where the two of you were going to lunch. But as soon as you’re out on the street, you have to mention it, “I didn’t know you get jealous,” you tease.

Connor blinks, his LED light flashing yellow.

“It wasn’t—” He shakes his head, “I’d hardly call it jealousy.”

“Oh yeah?” You wonder, “Then why’d you come interrupt me and Reed?”

“Well, you were clearly uncomfortable,” He starts, and then he takes a deep breath, “Besides.. I’m your boyfriend. Not.. Gavin.” Connor says his name with disgust.

You just giggle.

“I think you’re cute when you’re jealous.” There’s no bite to your bark—You really do love your oblivious, amazing boyfriend. Why would you complain that you have someone as handsome and as kind as Connor being so unknowingly jealous?

You decide to ignore the way his ears flush blue. Or at least, you decide not to tease him about it.

-

Yearning

This one’s my favorite. It’s Connor’s favorite. It’s bound to be your favorite.

Office parties at the DPD always get a little too out of hand.. the vicious mix of ego and alcohol is always a dangerous equation.

But, Ben Collins is a friend of yours, so you and Connor showed up to his retirement party. They decided to host it at the police station, pushing the desks to the back so they could have a makeshift dance floor.

Everyone is dressed nice—Mostly in suits, but now, with the night winding on, everyone’s taken off their jackets, loosened their ties..

Connor’s sleeves are rolled up to his elbows, and the first two buttons of his shirt are undone. He looks.. so fucking good.

You’re socializing, having had a drink or two, your hair messier than it had been when you came in. You’re just talking, but when the person you’re talking to leaves, Connor approaches, a smile on his face.

Your handsome— No, gorgeous���No, Pretty boyfriend with those beautiful eyes of his. You know Connor doesn’t really believe in more than numbers and science—psychology over astrology type of guy, or at least, as far as he’s expressed.

But you thank your lucky stars that you have him in your life, but if you told Connor that you’d guess he’d just scrunch his nose and ask what astronomy had to do with the two of you meeting.

(“I’m just thankful for it. I mean what are the odds?”

“Considering I was designed to be a detective where you work, to be your partner? Rather high, I’d say, but if you’d like the exact number, I could run a calculation.”)

You grin.

“Hi, pretty boy,” You coo, just a little tipsy. You watch as he blushes, a deep blue creeping onto his skin.

“Hello,” He says softly, unable to tear his eyes from you. “Are you doing okay?” He rubs your arm gently, his thumb brushing back and forth a bit. You just smile wider, blushing just as much as him.

Maybe it’s the fact that everyone here is too drunk to notice, or maybe it’s just that he feels this deep, crushing affection for you. Like he needs to be as close to you as possible. He’s not sure why, but he can’t find it in himself to deny it or push it away.

He his hands find yours, and just for a moment, Connor thinks about retracting the skin on his hands, a sign of intimacy from Deviants, but he gets too scared.

Instead, he begins to assess the risk of various spots.

Everyone’s in and out of the restrooms, you can’t go there. It seems wrong to drag you to the evidence room or even the interrogation room.

Connor glances back to the desks behind you. How no one’s paying attention to them. How even if they were, they’d be too drunk to care.

So, he leads you by the hand over to a particular desk he’s looking for, before patting the desk.

“Here, sit.”

You raise an eyebrow. Your eyes flicker down to the name on the desk, and you smile.

“Connor—”

He just looks at you, waiting. But you can see the corner of his lips twitch up as you sit right on Reed’s desk.

“Isn’t it normal to engage in a bit of friendly practical joking?” he asked, and he steps towards you, his hands landing on either side of you on the desk, caging you in. You just smile and your hands rest on his shoulder.

“You’re going to, what, prank Reed by making out with me on his desk?” You ask, a teasing edge to your voice.

Connor’s LED flickers pink, and then stays that color as he leans in, his nose barely touching yours. He’s just close enough to feel your warm breath against his lips.

“There’s nothing wrong with some harmless fun..” He mumbles, “We’re all friends here, right, Detective?”

Your heart thumps.

And maybe it’s the alcohol, but all you can to think to say is,

“You and I were never just friends, Connor.”

Something about your words recall memories of his—

Meeting you for the first time.

Saving you instead of catching a deviant.

He thinks about sitting with you on the steps of your porch, sipping hot tea, and listening to the sound of rain hitting the roof above him, your body leaning against his.

He wasn’t even a deviant at that point.

So yeah. The two of you were never ‘just’ friends.

But instead of justifying your claim, Connor’s resolve diminishes, and he presses his lips against yours, and for a rare moment—it’s all worth it.

All the hate he experiences from humans, all the hot, dangerous anger he can’t keep down, the horrible shame, the deep, overwhelming sadness—

It’s all worth it for this moment, when he feels truly alive.

He deepens the kiss and doesn’t stop you when he feels his hand on his jaw, then barely brushing past the collar of his shirt. He doesn’t know what he wants, but he knows he has to get as close to you as possible.

His hands wander, his fingertips just barely dipping beneath your top—

And just the tips of his fingers retract his skin, white fingertips brushing against your skin. He can’t help it. He pulls away from the kiss and begins to kiss your cheek, and then your jaw, and then your neck—

Each kiss is precise, calculated by him to elicit the reactions he knows you’re capable of, trying to satisfy the hunger he finds himself unable to conquer.

Connor had always considered himself an expert on Deviant Behavior—But you, the way you tug on his collar to bring him closer with one hand while playing with his hair with the other, and the vague, fuzzy-at-the-moment memory of you holding your umbrella over Connor’s head, one of the first true kindnesses he remembers—it makes him realize that he knows nothing about deviant behavior or the concept of desire.

But when the sound of small gasps leave your lips, quiet, only for him to hear over the loud music and people laughing, crying, yelling, singing, and the feeling of your warm skin beneath his ivory fingertips, Connor realizes he’s more than willing to educate himself.  

Properly.

Thoroughly.

He decides to make it his mission.

And Connor always accomplishes his mission.

[crtter]

I’ve been seeing some people getting a bit confused and getting some stuff wrong in the comments of that one post telling the story about the creator of Neopets throwing a hissy fit (Hissi fit lol) over people disliking his idea of a game “that’s just like Neopets but with crypto” and I don’t want to add anything to it to not bother the OP but Neopets has been a hyperfixation of mine since I was 13 and I physically can’t stop myself from going “Um, ackshually ☝️🤓” so I’m gonna do it in my own post. Here’s what happened:

The guy who got super pissed off and started badmouthing Neopets users, ending his tirade with a selfie of him giving Neopets users the finger, Adam Powell, did create Neopets, yes, but he doesn’t own it anymore since it was sold to Viacom in 2005. He has been involved in a few game ventures since but they haven’t been very successful.

His idea wasn’t to “implement NFTs in Neopets”, he’s developing (or planning to) another game that’ll apparently be free to play with some extra paid features, and said features would be paid in some sort of cryptocurrency.

Sadly, the parent company of Neopets, JumpStart, already tried to implement NFTs by partnering with Metaverse back in 2021, with disastrous results, both in the eyes of Neopets players (who hated the idea because NFTs are a scam and terrible for the environment and all) and in the eyes of NFT bros (because the NFTs in question were VERY overpriced given their poor quality and made using stolen assets from Neopets fan sites). The project is apparently still underway but it’s hugely unpopular and tweets made by the official Neopets Metaverse account mostly only gets engagement from NFT bots, if they get any at all.

Back to Adam. He apparently thought people would be “excited about his new game because of the Neopets Metaverse thing”, without knowing how much the fanbase hated the whole thing, and tried to peddle it in the Discord server of the r/Neopets subreddit, a subreddit that has always been VERY vocal against the Neopets NFTs. And well. You can guess how much people weren’t interested in his game. Then, just to make matters worse, people went on the Discord server of his game and saw that it was badly moderated and chock full of homophobic comments made by cryptobros.

Adam gets pissed off at people disliking his game idea and not taking kindly to his comments that “they just don’t understand what crypto is about” and goes on an angry tirade, saying stuff such as how much he wished he never made Neopets because the fanbase sucks, saying he’s going to buy it back just to destroy it and ending in the aforementioned middle finger selfie, all while people clowned on him like crazy. This ended in him getting banned from the Discord server AND from the r/Neopets subreddit. He then started trying to defend himself and demanding to be unbanned in… the comment thread of a news article relating the incident in the Neopets fan site Jellyneo. Last time I checked he was still at it.

He blamed his outburst on “having drunk alcohol while on Sertraline” and has said he wasn’t aware of the homophobic comments in his server and claimed that he doesn’t have anything against LGBT+ people, but he has also made it very clear he doesn’t think he’s in the wrong and won’t apologize for anything.

[lobo-inu]

saw a post that reminded me of my really bad past experiences with tesblr, and how lucky i am to finally have a tes server that’s like…. actually safe. and full of people who are nothing but genuine. especially now that i’ve healed a lot, too.

i’ve heard SO MANY horror stories about rumors people in this fandom spread - and i’ve also been a victim of them too, lol. been called a scammer (was getting donations for a live saving surgery. thats it), a mysoginist (literally just explaining my mother-based trauma and being scared of adult women lol), and also like. had rumors go around about me apparently letting minors into an 18+ server. even tho i fucking hate interacting with minors online w a passion. i made a past server that was previously 15+ to 18+ and kicked all minors bc they could not fucking behave and respect boundaries.

oh, also pure ableism when it comes to a Very stigmatized diagnosis of mine. :| that was from the same person who called me a mysoginist. people over here making insane headcanons for me, i guess 😭

….so yeah. just awful, out of character shit going around.

i’ve lost a good few people i considered friends who were quick to listen to these rumors instead of just. idk. communicating with me.

this fandom irks me a lot with it’s behavior on a personal level beyond that, though. Skyrim had been one of my most intense hyperfixations since i was in a single digit age. so it sucks having such a hostile and drama-hungry community when all i wanna do is share OCs and shit.

this sounds fucking insane, but past experiences here have caused my anxiety disorder to skyrocket to such a drastically dangerous degree, so its kinda crazy that i’m even back here. typing this out is giving me chest pains lol. like this is probably one of the worst fandoms to get involved with

with that said, thank you @ the people who’ve made my return an enjoyable experience. and thank you to those who stuck around even after i left in 2023, and stuck by me and my honesty vs rumors. yall are the fucking real ones. and also the babygirls server, friends both new and old - i love u guys. thank yall for helping me continue this personal healing journey of mine (yall know what i’m referencing).

if anyone has had any ridiculous experiences here, do feel free to share 😭 cause i know i’m not the only one. also god i love the babygirls server. pls join the babygirls server

[raven-at-the-writing-desk]

Hello! I am SO hyperfixated on the fact that the overblot form CAN be controlled??? That’s the case with Malleus isn’t it? And I guess on one hand I can see how Idia can control it too because of his “curse/blessing” (and sheer will and spite).

Maybe this is foreshadowing that maybe it’s possible for the other OB boys to do so as well???? I don’t know how it’ll work with them but I’m so excited. Overblot cards potential AAAH

I’d love to hear more of your thoughts on this!

[Referencing this post!}

Yeah, I definitely think that OB Idia battle segment opens the floodgates for potential SSR Overblot Troublemaker(s) cards 💀 (RIP to the OB gang fans)

As a refresher for everyone (since it has been a while), alllllll the way back in book 1, Crowley and Cater describe “overblot” as thus: “[… being] overcome by negative energy and[…] losing control of [one’s] magic and emotions,” and “evil berserk mode”.

We’ve seen many examples of these traits in the main story campaign; oftentimes, the OB boy in question is impossible to reason with and has to be subdued via battle. However, it’s important to note that while the OBs may be primarily driven by their emotions, it is not purely rage but rather negative feelings in general. Yes, many OBs (Riddle, Leona, Azul, Vil, etc.) do attack others—but other OBs demonstrate moments of calm (ie when their demands are met). For example, Jamil is tame when he believes he has banished Kalim, secured hypnotized Scarabia mobs, and reigns over the dorm as its new leader. I do believe anger is still a large component of the behavior of one who has overblotted though; that rage most certainly clouds a person’s judgment and compels them to strike out at the slightest thing.

Now, about the idea of “controlling” OBs… I don’t that that can actually be done?? We have to remember that Malleus is a VERY powerful mage—and this alone could give him an “edge” that others don’t when it comes to being fully aware while in OB (though I believe both Malleus and Vil indicate early on they notice their blot building). As Idia’s dad states, Malleus is drawing his magic from nature itself and therefore has a limitless supply it. Secondly, I wouldn’t call Malleus’s OB “controlling” it to begin with. It’s clear that he’s still running high on emotions and is unwilling to hear others out or have them interfere with his plans. These are still traits associated with OB; it’s not as though Malleus is “overriding” the unreasonable thoughts, he is still ruled by them and acts on them. I think what you (maybe?) mean is that Malleus has a much more calculating approach and more precise control over how he wields his power rather than indiscriminately smashing stuff in his path. This, again, could do with his insane power level compared to his peers. Unlike most other OBs, his goal (at least in his own framing) before he overblotted to begin with wasn’t to “take away”, but rather to “gift” happy endings to everyone. This sets him apart just based on interests alone, and that’s perhaps why he acts the most different in the lot.

Now let’s consider the circumstances under which Idia OBs a second time: it’s in a dream, meaning it’s questionable whether or not this would transfer over to real life. Because it’s Idia’s dream, he has more autonomy in it, particularly because he is now “awake”/conscious of the fact that it is a dream. Secondly, Idia bears the Shroud family’s curse/blessing, which allows him to “power up” the more blot is present, as it serves as fuel for his magic. This alone makes him a “special case” which could explain the unusual amount of control he exerts over his OB form. (Again though, I’d wager it’s mostly the dream environment.)

I do see maybe the other OB boys doing a similar “oh, lemme OB to help you guys fight” in a dream situation where there are fewer limits on what they can do, but not in a real world setting. It would put them all at risk anyway, as they lack Idia’s curse/blessing or Malleus’s fae powers. Is that worth the risk, knowing they could all die or potentially turn on their classmates?

I just don’t see OB becoming a “tool” or a magical girl transformation the characters could pull out for combat purposes in the story (though this is possible for like the gameplay outside of the story). I highly doubt OB is like something you could train yourself to control; it’s less like bulking up at the gym and more like pushing yourself to keep exercising while you’re high on adrenaline… Sooner or later, you’d burn out and injure yourself in that overexertion.

If there ever are OB cards, I can easily see them as being the type that don’t come with vignettes because… what reasonable story could you conjure up to explain the OBing again? If there are vignettes, then they most likely won’t fit into the main story canon. You’d have to frame the OB cards as “within the moment” of whatever book they OB’d in, and perhaps go more in-depth about the trauma or something along those lines.

[worldserasingandcreatinginmymind]

The Monster of Wolf Woods | Part One

Summary: a love story of a muggle and a werewolf

Pairing: Remus Lupin x Reader

Word Count: 1.5k

Warnings: Remus hating on himself

A/N: this is the start of a two part (possibly more if people like it) story to please the David Thewlis hyperfixation my brain currently has. Hope you enjoy! as always spelling and grammar are not my strongest skills so please be kind :)

- - - - -

I’d never paid much attention to the moon, other than the occasional glance up to admire it’s beauty on a dark night. I’d never stopped to consider the danger that lurked beneath it. That is until I met Remus. 

I work in a small independent book shop in the middle of a small independent village. No one really knows this village exists aside from the people who live here and there are only around 300 or so of us. I was working in the bookshop the day I met Remus. It’s not very often you meet new people in this village when so he walked into the shop I felt my heart jump with excitement. His gentle nature, kind smile and enthusiasm for books caught my attention and I quickly developed a crush on him. I kicked myself for not asking for his number as I watched him leaving the shop, thinking I’d blown my opportunity and that I’d never see him again. 

To my surprise (and relief) he came back the following day. And the day after that. And the day after that. 

He came back to the shop every single day for almost a week, each time buying a new book before talking to me for at least an hour about the book he’d purchased the previous day. It was like we’d started our own little book club. 

“Well lovely chatting you as always. I’ll see you tomorrow.” he said on the Saturday as he turned to leave the shop. 

“Actually we’re closed on Sundays.” I replied regretfully, half considering opening up the shop just for him. 

“Oh” he responded disappointed, thinking for a moment “Well I guess you’ll have to let me take you out somewhere else then.”

“Like, a date…?” I tested, feeling butterflies as I waited for his answer. 

“If that’s okay with you.” He suddenly sounded nervous. “You don't have to of course, if you’d rather not-”

“Remus” I said gently, interrupting him before he had a chance to fully spiral. “I thought you’d never ask.” 

“You- you want to?” The hope in his eyes melted my heart. 

“I’ve wanted to since the day you first walked in.” 

The next day we met up outside the closed bookshop. He brought flasks of coffee and together we walked through the village and shared stories about our lives with each other. He told me about how he spent the past year working as a teacher at some private boarding school but recently moved back to the area after having enough of dealing with ‘rich overbearing parents’. I told him how I’d moved to this village 6 months ago after splitting with my ex, opening up to him about the awful way I’d been treated which explained why I wanted a fresh start in the middle of nowhere. 

We’d become so distracted in our conversation that I didn’t even realise how far we’d walked until we arrived at the edge of the forest. 

“Everything alright dear?” He asked, noticing my hesitation to follow him. 

“This is the entrance to wolf woods.” I say and he nods. “Did you mean to bring us here?” 

The forest wasn’t really called wolf woods, that’s just the nickname given to it by the locals because if you listen into the night when the moon is full you can almost hear the sounds of a wolf howling. No one had ever actually seen a wolf, but the villagers still would never get near just in case. 

“I must admit I got so caught up listening to your story I lost track of where we were going. I didn’t mean to bring you so close to the forest. I’m sorry if I scared you.”

“Oh no, I’m not scared!” I say with a smile and he looks at me confused.

“But the wolf lives here.”

“I’ve read a lot about them and I think they’re beautiful and misunderstood creatures. I’m more concerned that if there is a wolf living in these woods then two humans walking into its home might startle it and make it feel unsafe.” When I looked at Remus I swear I saw a tear in his eye. “Are you okay?” 

“I’ve never heard mugg-” he corrected himself “person talk so kindly about a monster before.” 

“I don't believe they’re monsters. But even if they were, everyone deserves kindness…” I say, taking a step to close the gap between us.” …everyone deserves love.” 

Remus suddenly leant down and kissed me, taking my breath away, before pulling away flustered. 

“Sorry, I don't know what came over me-” he starts breathlessly but I grab his face and pull him in for another kiss, this one lasting longer as we both melted into each other. 

That was the first of many kisses I shared with Remus as we started seeing each other. As the months went by I noticed a trend in his behaviour. Once a month he’d be gone for a couple of days on what he jokingly referred to as a ‘super secret work trip’ but would never actually go into detail about. When I tried to ask him more about these trips or even what he did for work the conversation would always go elsewhere. He would often come back from these trips with cuts and bruises that he’d try to hide from me. His energy would be low and though he’d try to put on a happy face I could tell he was down. 

After one particularly bad trip where he came back using a cane to help him walk I sat him down on the sofa in my living room and pulled up a chair to sit in front of him as I asked him for the truth. He gave me a sad smile, and started to explain everything. I sat and listened, occasionally asking a question to help me understand, while he told me about magic and wizards and muggles and Hogwarts. It amazed me to find out this whole other world existed right under my nose. It also terrified me a little to learn of someone he referred to as ‘the dark lord’, but Remus assured me that we’d be safe. 

“So… you're a wizard?” I asked and he nodded. I smiled. “That’s pretty cool.” 

“There’s more.” His face turned serious as he took my hand. He breathed deep and I could tell he was afraid of what he had to say next. “There is a wolf that lives in the forest. But he’s not beautiful like the wolves you’ve read about in your nature books. This one really is a monster. And I’m really hoping that you meant it when you said everyone deserves love because-” he stopped, trying to calm himself with another deep breath. “Y/N…”

“It’s okay.” I said, squeezing his hand tighter as he started to cry. 

“It’s not okay, it’s not!” He cries and I placed one hand on his cheek, wiping tears away with my thumb as they rolled down past his scars. “I can’t-”

“You can Remus. Nothing that you say will change the way I feel about you.” I gently guided his face so I can look into his eyes. “Look at me. You can tell me.” 

He removed my hand from his face, placing it with my other hand in his. 

“I’m a werewolf.” He says, looking down to fix his gaze on where our hands are intwined. “When I was a child a vicious werewolf broke into our family home and attacked me while I was sleeping and ever since then I have been cursed to transform into something I hate every full moon. There’s a bunker near my cottage in the forest that I lock myself in but the wolf is loud and sometimes the villagers hear me. Thankfully no one has ever been brave enough to go searching the woods and hopefully they never will. For years I’ve been planting ideas in the muggle’s heads. The right words said to the right people at the right time and before you know it the whole village has been warned to stay clear of the dangerous creature in the forest. They have no idea its really me. I am the monster of wolf woods.”

My hands slip from Remus’ as he leans back in his chair, letting out a breath as he watches me with worry in his eyes, trying to work out what I’m thinking. Silently I stand up from my seat and Remus’ worry turns to panic. 

“I understand completely if this is too much, if you don't want to see me-” he starts babbling but I cut him off as I sit down on the sofa next to him, putting my arm around him to pull him into a tight hug. I feel how much he is shaking and he starts to cry with relief. 

“I can’t lie, that was a lot to take in. But it doesn’t change anything. You’re still Remus, the gentle natured book nerd with a kind smile who came into my shop and stole my heart all those months ago.” I say, leaning away to look in his face. “My Remus.” 

“I don't deserve you.” He whispers with a sad smile. 

“Yes you do.” I smile back at him as I kiss him on the nose, causing us both to start giggling. 

“Thank you.” he says once we’ve composed ourselves. “My Y/N. I really do love you.” 

“I really do love you too.” 

*part two coming soon*

[mylittleredgirl]

while we’re having the endless debate about sorting by kudos or not on ao3, i have to stump for my personal favorite way to find fics:

i basically always go straight to the “bookmarks” page for whatever pairing/tag i’m reading rather than the “works” page, and i literally just realized why: it lights up the same parts of my tumblr gremin brain as my dash does.

content hand-selected by people who are bookmarking shit for their own reasons entirely unknowable to me, so it’s a mix of quality peer review and user xyz’s to-read list

if you keep going back to it there’s a repetition over time as new people bookmark old fics. as a tumblr girlie my brain enjoys seeing Thing I Recognize

brand new fics often show up there if they’re good!! (equivalent: new posts tagged “investing at 5 notes”)

a lot of the top kudos fics keep showing up too because so many people sort the works page that way (equivalent: heritage post)

but so much random stuff shows up too that i would otherwise never find, thanks to the hardworking folks out there sobbing into the bottom of the tag at 4 am (equivalent: those posts with 56 notes from 2011 that somehow?? end up on your dash like bestie how did you even find that)

sometimes there are 30 bookmarks in a row by the same person who has a new hyperfixation and you get to think “good for them”

sometimes you get to recognize a username as someone having good or seriously bad taste

sometimes i see my own fics in the mix!! and get that little hit of positive attention (or neutral attention i guess, when people add a bookmarker tag like “it’s about [my fave character] but it’s ok”)

yeah! people can add bookmarker tags and their own notes! so sometimes people rec fics or add marginalia and their own sortable tags (but most people don’t)

there’s always that one fucking harry potter crossover fic with 194 tags in the mix (equivalent: manscaped ads you can’t escape). not saying this is a plus, but scrolling past the same long post you hate for the dozenth time is also an essential part of the tumblr experience.

re: that last bullet point, the one downside of the bookmarks page is that the filtering isn’t quite as robust as on the works page. you do have all the usual include/exclude filter options, but the very last section of filtering (crossovers, WIPs, word count, date range) is not available. (@ ao3 coders please i’m begging 🥺🙏)

anyway i’m sure the bookmarking economy is different across fandoms, but this will give you a semi-randomized feed of the tag, weighted toward new and popular fics (and, for better or worse, unfinished multi-chapter works and megafandom crossovers). it’s probably a good place to start for people who long for an algorithm, but unlike the usual user-targeted panopticon experience it’s more like the chance to rummage through strangers’ junk drawers for fic. tumblr vibes. you get me.

[evilphrog]

Watching Wheel Of Time without reading the books:  Season 2, episode 4

Hello again, everyone.  After an incredibly lengthy delay, I am back on my Wheel of Time hyperfixation.  Since I can’t watch the new episodes until Husband returns, I will instead recap the past few episodes I never got around to for the same reason (I couldn’t bear to watch them when they first aired without him present).  All the "guesses" are authentic, and from my notes I took my first watch-through.

Episode 4 starts with Nancy Reagan, leader of the Forsaken who for some reason thinks he’s the good guy.  He casts a spell that summons a naked woman covered in blood, proving once again that Rafe Judkins knows his target audience.  

Moiraine goes to visit her little sister, who is the same noble that gave Rand some unsolicited advice last week.  At least she got a head start on being a good aunt.  Her sister keeps trying to make social overtures, but Moiraine doesn’t want to build a snowman.  She seems like she’s acting all cold and aloof, but then she gets to her room and nearly cries.  She’s constantly watching her sister and trying to psych herself up to talk to her, and chickening out.  Instead, she goes to confront the Lizard.  He gives some misandry “women ruined my whole life” speech about how he was a poor, innocent man who did nothing wrong.  It would have a lot more validity if he wasn’t delivering it to someone whose friends he murdered.  Also if he hadn’t tried to overthrow the kingdom.  Moiraine offers him a deal: train Rand to be a manneler, and she will give him the means to violently kill himself.  He considered this a fair trade. 

Moiraine chickens out of building a snowman once again, and sneaks back to her room, but her sister is waiting for her.  She basically says that Moiraine broke all their hearts, abandoned her family, and left her baby sister to deal with the nobility equivalent of working customer service.  She did a great job, because her son is now engaged to the Queen.  Elayne’s mom?  Is her dad dead?  Oh, wait!  Is her dad that guy that joined the Lizard and got murdered?  He seemed way too young, but maybe I’m misremembering.  Or maybe he was just another in a long line of husbands.  Maybe she exclusively marries boytoys.  Anyways, Sister tells Moiraine she better not mess up the life she worked so hard to rebuild.  

Rand deals with the aftermath of maybe/maybe not setting Selene’s inn on fire.  He’s trying to diligently rebuild it for her, but there’s only one kind of help Selene wants from him.  She convinces him to go on a little adventure with her instead.  They sneak away to the cabin where she used to hook up with her ex, and she talks about how great he was.  Rand gets a little insecure about it, but he’s clearly grown in his time as a rent boy.  Instead of a jealous fit, he talks about how much he misses home.  Then they bang in the middle of the woods, even though there’s a perfectly nice cabin nearby.  They fall asleep, and wake up to a fade attacking them!  Rand does his best with his sword, but in the end he has to mannel to kill it.  Selene freaks out.  Mannelers are crazy scary evil blah blah.  She realizes that he might have been the one who set the inn on fire.  She doesn’t want to touch him.  He says he will go as far away as he can, because he knows mannelers kill the ones they love first.  She gets all weepy about “You love me???” and she’s laying it on thick enough by this point that I realized immediately she was nefarious.  Yeah, obviously the barely legal runaway who’s been paying rent with his big white tower fell in love with the sexy middle aged woman he’s been banging on the regular.  That’s kind of how that works.  Also, he’s Rand.  Boundless love is his whole thing.  If Two Rivers school had a home ec class where they had to take care of a bag of flour for a week and pretend it was their baby, Rand would name his and keep it forever and cry real tears if anyone tried to use it to make bread.  What I’m saying is that this was obviously such a low bar to clear, that her surprise at hearing it rings incredibly false.  

But anyways, they go bang some more about it.  She ties him to a bed, then says she’s a monster too.  Rand’s self-preservation finally starts to overcome his libido, but Moiraine’s already on it.  She impales Selene at the same time Rand does, but in extremely different contexts.  She could not have picked a worse time to show up.  That boy is going to relive that moment forever.  At least it might help prevent any little dragon babies from cropping up.  Selene falls to the ground, and Rand, covered in her blood and…other fluids, Mannels at Moiraine.  She finally uses her words to explain things, and he believes her.  She saved his best friend, she walked with him into what she thought would be certain death, she let him run after.  He knows that if she killed his lover/landlord/employer she had a very good reason.  He runs with her, and after they leave, Selene/Lanfear blinks.  She was totally faking it for Rand’s sake.  

Mat and Min are in a bar, gambling away.  Mat can’t believe he’s losing so badly.  Min reminds him she’s a psychic.  He hits on her, she rebuffs him, but offers to pay for his room.  Already a better traveling companion than Rand.  Or maybe not, since she goes to the innkeeper and bribes him to get Mat totally wasted so she can hand him off to some unknown associate who will be arriving later.  Who could it be????

Just kidding.  It’s obviously Nancy.  He gives Min a horrific nightmare/memory of being forced to tell futures for people who have horrific lives ahead of them.  The worst was a little boy who wanted to know what he would be when he grew up.  The answer was “super murderful.”  Nancy promises to take away the visions if Min takes him to Cahrien, where Rand is staying. The main takeaway here is that JK Rowling is for sure, definitely, one hundred percent a darkfriend.

Polly has brought Lan home to meet the family.  They all assume she’s brought home another boyfriend, and are welcoming and supportive.  They really are trying to recruit him into their warrior polycule, though.  Or, failing that, to at least get him bonded to Nynaeve or another Aes Sedai.  He’s throwing himself a pity party, though.  Polly lets us know that Moiraine used to be more in touch with her feelings before some secret trauma.  Maksim gives Lan hope that he and Moiraine can reunite, by telling Lan that Polly keeps their bond masked at all times except when they’re fighting or fucking.  Lan finds this shocking.  I love how, even in this world where polyamory and homosexuality are par for the course, there are still ways to have subversive and unconventional relationship dynamics.  

The guys all meditate until Maksim gets bored and wanders off.  Then Ivhan and Lan actually converse.  Something Ivhan said really hit me in the face.  “Us quiet ones are quiet because the conversation’s always playing out in our own heads.”Lan finally opens up about Moiraine telling him he’s not her equal.  Ivhan laughs.  He never considered himself equal to Polly.  He says their job as warders is to help their aes sedai remember they are human people with human needs.  Kind of like why the Doctor needs companions.  

Maksim wasn’t wandering aimlessly, though.  He specifically wandered to Polly, to let her know he found the darkfriend poem in Lan’s bag.  The polycule converge to discuss what it means.  I’m pretty sure they suspect Lan of being a darkfriend, now.  Guess he’s getting his polycule invitation revoked.  

Perrin has joined Discount Heimdel and the wolves, but he’s not thrilled about it.  He wants to find his friends, and Discount Heimdel doesn’t.  Instead, he wants to show Perrin how to be a wolfbrother.  He invited Perrin to the devouring of a deer, but Perrin prefers his meat cooked.  Perrin adjusts easily to the concept of “wolves are equal sentient people to me” but is having more trouble with the “don’t trust humans” part of the pack code of ethics.  He likes his humans.  

Meanwhile, in the white tower, Nynaeve is having her long-awaited panic attack.  Like all of us, she has no idea if her daughter she raised for years is currently being devoured by monsters.  Or, alternatively, if she survived, but is now having to face Nynaeve’s own biggest childhood trauma: watching her parents die to save her life, and then be stuck carrying on alone, knowing she was too weak to help.  Or if she was always imaginary and there was never any child and it was just a strange dream.

Egwene tries her best to return the comfort Nynaeve has always shown to her.  She starts out cautiously approaching Nynaeve, and speaking gently to her, being very respectful of her shields-up frame of mind.  That, obviously, has the opposite effect.  Nynaeve has built her entire identity around being able to help the people who need her.  Being reminded that she’s currently the one in need only makes her feel like even more of a failure, and spend even more of her energy on self-hatred instead of healing.  In the end, though, Egwene can’t help but throw Nynaeve into a hug.  And this moment, okay, wow.  The acting chops on Zoe for this scene.  Totally vacant expression, frozen stiff body language.  And then she slowly lets her hands wrap around Egwene.  She realizes that she is still needed, and she can comfort Egwene by working on getting better so Egwene can feel like she helped.  This is the most Parent thing she’s ever done.  Her mental health matters because good mental health makes her a better caretaker.  She’s like two thirds of the way to realizing she matters as her own person.  

This is huge progress, but Egwene doesn’t realize it because her perfectionism is blinding her to the fact that recovery happens in stages, not one giant leap into “I’m all better now and it’s because Egwene said the right sequence of words paired with the right sequence of actions.”  She later berates herself for not doing enough to be there for Nynaeve.  Elayne, who continues to show high social aptitude when she’s not personally involved in things, tells her she can’t fix other people’s feelings, only be present for them while they go through them.  

Nynaeve goes to look for Polly’s boyfriends, but they’re busy trying to steal her man.  Instead, she finds a sweaty, shirtless, fanservice warder in training.  He shoots his shot, but clearly he needs the help of the warder bond to read emotional context.  Honey, if someone is staring with vacant eyes and speaking in a clipped tone, it’s probably not the best time to let them know you want them carnally.  

JK Rowling is doing catty bullshit things with Suian’s secretary.  They have a “who can make the bitchiest veiled threat” contest, and the Secretary wins.  So JK resorts to an unveiled threat, and goes off to find Nynaeve, who is wallowing in the arches room.  JK Rowling believes this is finally her moment to be Nynaeve’s best friend ever, by comforting her in her time of need.  She is less than zero help.  She tries her best to give a little pep talk, but her world view is so inherently selfish that the only thing she can imagine being helpful is the concept of picking some part of the world and owning it entirely.  She’s talking about her son, btw.  The living, flesh and blood human being that she was unwittingly torturing for the past few weeks because she refused to share him with anyone.  I wonder if he even got to leave that room, ever.  Did he go to school?  Did he have friends?  Or did he just stay hidden in a dark room, waiting for his mom to come back whenever she was feeling bummed out about life?  I think she would have been more temperamentally suited to a pet rock.  She and Ianthe would be best friends and make each other friendship bracelets.  

Anyways, she “accidentally” lets slip to Nynaeve that she heard a rumor that Perrin and Loial were taken prisoner in Falme.  She asks Nynaeve to promise she won’t run off to rescue them, but she and all of us know that is the exact next thing Nynaeve does.  She at least asks Egwene to come along, which shows how much progress she’s made in her recovery.  She also kicks a crowned princess out of her own room.  She and Jason Asano would either be best friends or sworn enemies.  There would be no middle ground with them.  

Egwene obviously goes with her immediately.  Nynaeve is surprised, at first.  She thoguht Egwene was dedicated to becoming an Aes Sedai just to prove she could.  Which, yeah, but also, Egwene has been so steeped in self-pity and shame lately because she thinks she failed Rand.  She just wants to be strong enough that no one can ever come for her friends again.  Can you tell she grew up with Nynaeve as a role model?  Nynaeve can.  Nicely done, Egwene.  She just healed a little bit more. 

They run off into the night.  Aforementioned princess who was definitely not listening right outside the door goes to remind them that they’ll be in big trouble if they sneak out, but joins in anyways.  You go, girl!  Make your gay fantasies a reality!  BTW is this just going to be a thing in this series?  All redheads fall madly in love with Egwene, and from then on think exclusively with their libido?  I’m not complaining, I just want to know.  

Oh, but tough break, because this was all an obvious trap all along!  JK emerges from the shadows and knocks out all three girls.  Who could have seen that coming?!  Everyone?  Yeah, probably everyone. 

More reviews

[sleepy-spacetronaut]

When the Mystery Shack acquired a feisty gremlin

Start note: (22/11/2024) I have been experimenting a lot with designing Bill Cipher alternates and although they all have some points of resemblance, they have their own energy of a sort. Once the hyperfixation is over I will switch back to brainstorming lore for my personal projects, but this little experimental phase gave me a kick for making more emotional expressions and comic-format drawings. Also, I randomly started to write short fanfiction chapters for this design, my imagination has been running wild in the past few months, so stay tuned for potential story bits!

(Edit on D/M/Y: 07/12/2024: The reason this is the 4th design is because I had this drawing made in the beginning of November, but had not gotten the chance to post since my phone was unusable for about two whole weeks, so I switched to digital art in the meantime.

*will add ID for bottom picture later

One more idea that flashed through my head recently— if Bill can be a Tumblr Sexyman, then he also could total be a short, stocky and gremlin-like in a human form. Held he ravaging the pantry, causing a major ruckus in the shack, fighting children over candy—-Gosh, the POTENTIAL of this, if put in the Handyman Bill (credit to @/ on twitter) AU is endless.

Hypothetical scenarios with this design:

Ford, opening the door to get out of the Shack: What the—?

Bill, slouching on the shack’s doorstep: Hey Fordsy , guess who’s baaaack! Did you miss me, admit it, you missed me ! >:^)

Ford: … I may have missed you last time, but guess what? My aim has gotten BETTER!

Bill: *sits upright and stops smiling, now looking confused* Wuh—?

Ford: *punts him like a soccer ball*

Bill: *Shrieks while flying away and disappears with a twinkle in the sky*

Mabel and Dipper: SCOOOOORE! 📢

————————————

[After Bill had been caught red handed raiding the pantry and eating all the snacks]

Stan: *pulls out a pair of regular handcufs and tries to put them onto Bill’s wrists* There! Problem solved! Now you can’t get your grubby paws into the pantry—

*the shackles immediately slide off and fall to the floor with a metallic thud*

Bill and Stan stare at the ground rather dumbly. Bill snorts.

Bill, cackling and pumping his fists into the air: AHAHA! YES! YESSSSS! Finaly something good came out of theses acursed baby hands! SUCK IT, FEZ—-!

Stan: *unceremoniously picks him up by the scruf of the shirt*

Bill:*his tiny face flushing red with anger* Wh- What the heck!? Put me down! * starts to wriggle* STANLEY PINES, YOU ABSOLUTE FOOL, YOU MEASLY WORM WITH CATARACTS ! YOU DUMBASS! PUT ME DOWN OR I’LL— I’LL-

Stan: *goes over to the coat hanger hook on the wall and hangs Bill by the fabric of his shirts, grinning triumphantly* Or you’ll what? Steal my kneecaps? You’re powerless, Cipher. For once just admit that you lost and quit rummaging through our food!

Bill:*stops wiggling like a worm to stare daggers at Stanley*…I’m gonna scream and get your ass fined and incarcerated for child abuse. >:(

———————————

Stan, to Soos: I made a mistake by giving that menace a tricycle; he’s been rolling on it after my ankles ever since.

*Bill approaching rapidly in the background on his tricycle, a stick in hand*

Bill: HWOOOOYA! Take THAT, old fart! *smacks Stan’s shins repeatedly*

Stan: *glowers* that’s IT, I’m selling you on the internet, you ankle bitter. 

(And this is how the Pines officially acquired a new puny arch nemesis to replace the menace that was Gideon Gleeful.)

Wake up democracy, it is Polling Time!

I don’t have a preference when it comes to my Bill designs, but if love to know what’s your take on them and see if we got any favourite.

For reference, here are the links to each design, but I recommend to just look through my pinned post for additional art or info.

Design 1

Design 2

Design 3

Design 4 (it’s this post! Scroll up🔝 )

Design 5

End note: I will perhaps make a short fanfic with this concept but it will be much later, as I have already Vogelfrei to work on and Rewind the Timeline. Feel free to check out the story concept for both fanfic ideas on my pinned post. Have a great day/afternoon/evening/night, fellow tumbkerfolks!

[thekingofthenameless]

New Merlin lore!!!

First off, I’m retconning his schizophrenia for several reasons:

I somehow keep forgetting about it. (It doesn’t really seem like a permanent trait, I guess? Not sure how to explain it, but it doesn’t cement itself in my head like Charlie’s autism.)

I haven’t really written anything about him with it yet? Besides hearing voices, and I was never sure how accurate that is, because I didn’t want to just do it for whump/angst/plot purposes.

I also don’t want to mix up magical and mundane too much, and incorporating real magic occurrences vs. hallucinations might be harder than I thought.

I was on the fence about it for a few days, and I felt bad about doing it because my brain said I’m a coward; retconning mental illness is bad; things like that. I also felt like people would mock me and/or get mad at me, so I didn’t tell anyone at first.

I kind of thought it might be better if I gave him a different disability, but I wasn’t sure what to do at first.

But then I remembered a thought I’ve had before, even back when I was writing Emerald Embers! It was kind of a crack idea, so it stayed in my head and I never yapped about it. 😌

This was way before @aroace-edward-elric’s hyperfixation on Fullmetal Alchemist (2003), and seeing an oc with a prosthetic arm and leg.

I think @fate-is-a-lie showing me her new Earthspark oc (who has a prosthetic arm) a few days ago made me remember it! It also could have been FMA 03 worming its way into my subconscious again. Both of you, how dare you /silly.

Merlin now has a prosthetic right leg!! (I originally imagined it as his left, but I chose that one to differentiate from Ed and the oc lol. @aroace-edward-elric pointed out that Hiccup also lost his left leg.)

His amputation is above the knee, and nearly a full limb loss like these photos.

He also still has anxiety, C-PTSD, and misophonia.

I already have some funny scenarios I’ve thought about: him, of course, going to sleep without the leg so he gets a break. He forgets to put it on when he wakes up sometimes… resulting in him falling on the floor if he can’t regain his balance fast enough. Charlie gets worried even though he reassures his baby that he’s fine.

Also him somehow breaking it, and nonchalantly being like: “Oh, I broke my leg. Again.”

Everyone freaks out until he says: “The prosthetic one...”

And if I ever write the Merlin crossover thing, somehow people end up talking about how most Merlins are rather skinny? TKN Merlin, who either starts leaning against a wall or conjures his crutches (which he uses to give his leg a break besides sleeping), answers: “I’d still win the thigh gap competition, I fear.”

Looks of confusion from people who don’t know

Makes sure he’s secure in his position before snapping his fingers, unhooking his leg with his magic

It falls to the floor with a thump. Everyone who doesn’t know starts freaking out as he laughs.

He’s a dad, and he makes dad jokes. Charlie’s enjoyment of them sometimes varies.

I got inspired by this TikTok ⬇️ lol:

He’d also do that.

“How’d you even lose it??” someone asks when he reveals it.

“Reason I have yet to figure out!” finger guns

Sometimes if he tries to kick a particularly strong door in, the leg kind of breaks. “Shit. Maybe I should’ve used the real one.”

“What?!”

He’ll have other comedic moments like these, but it’s equivalent to “he’s disabled, and it’s funny sometimes” instead of “being disabled = funny”.

It’s so easy to give him a prosthetic without needing new art beside a leg design, actually! Even with how much his design has changed, you wouldn’t know since his legs are always covered. Besides that, I can say he wears wide fitting pants to hide the leg since his outfit as a whole is flowy and loose lol.

Since he has bigger thighs from being fat, it wouldn’t match like the above shown second image.

I’m also getting a prosthetic for him designed already!! The first two are some of the references I sent Specter7art (on Reddit), and the third is a suggestion he had for Merlin’s foot! It’s going to be made of iron and mostly gray. :D I’ll post it here, with a link to this post, when it’s done!

Artist credits, in order of each image: Soberana Art (on Artstation), yaasidraws_17 (on Reddit), @biposi, @thenegoteator, @cat-gh0ul, @honeyxmonkey, Soberana Art (on Artstation), @hawkes-art, @honeyxmonkey, @azurewildflight, @gaylightisminetocommand , @azurewildflight, @theeio, @honeyxmonkey, @croxovergoddess, and @isa-ah

Original posts (if applicable): Forest, Meme Redraw, Current Merlin, Cuddles, Chibi Drawing, Sploot, Meadow, Embrace, Outfit Design, and Doodle

TKN Taglist: @gaylightisminetocommand, @taag-the-withering, @mxxnlightwriting, @lets-zofifi-stuff, @aroace-edward-elric

[doggrowth]

Hello I think I’d like to vent online.

Which is a thing I haven’t done in many years. I’d always delete it shamefully afterwards. But I think it’s okay here. You guys seem chill. Whoever might be reading this.

Warnings for mentions of (non violent) intrusive thought spirals and discussion of mental illness.

So like… thousands of years ago our ancestors would survive by staying in groups. Being shunned from the group meant death. So we picked up on social cues. We would feel anxious when we thought others disliked us. Because being disliked did actually mean dying.

So now, thousands of years later, that same mechanism in my brain tells me that if I disagree with someone on Twitter I’m going to die.

A silly way of putting it. But I’ve been listening to this book about OCD. And I think the author is trying to explain how our thoughts are there to protect us (which I knew) and how if we accept this (which I haven’t, because it feels like my thoughts hurt me more than help) and change our relationship with our thoughts, it can be easier to cope. And that’s an example he had used… the whole ancestor thing.

My whole live I’ve related to people with OCD. The therapist I saw for years thought maybe that I have it. But the psychologist who did my test couldn’t identify any compulsions so I never received a diagnosis. Until I started seeing a new counsellor a little over a year ago. She immediately picked up on it and walked me through an assessment. It came back with moderate-high results. And I went “alright! Guess I have OCD.”

(I’m aware that a social worker can’t properly diagnose and I have difficulty using that label because of it)

But I could never quite figure out what my exact habits caused by it are. I would see others that have specific compulsive habits and I just didn’t think I had any. I couldn’t understand how OCD might affect me day to day.

Until now.

Because of Arcane.

(Edit: added this screenshot as an ill timed joke)

I have always hyperfixated on stuff. I have always cared a lot about what others think of me. And my thoughts in relation to these things are habitual.

The obsession is whether or not I’ve done something wrong, people are mad at me, people like me, etc. The compulsion is reassurance seeking.

And yes this comes up as asking someone “are you mad at me?” Or in situations where I can’t do that, listing out all of the reasons why someone wouldn’t be mad at me.

But it also comes up as this: I will see someone online have an opinion. My opinion will differ. I won’t interact with that person, just scrolling and trying to move on. But then I will keep thinking about how my opinion differed from that person. And how that person had 150 likes… and how all of those people disagree with me and how that must mean they don’t like me and how I’m going to probably die because of that.

(Yes I know it’s irrational. That’s why it’s a DISORDER)

And so. I will either 1) write out my opinion and why it’s valid and okay to disagree with other people until I feel better or 2) talk about it with whoever will listen (my brother, he has to, he lives with me) until I feel better.

And this goes on again and again and again. I don’t even have to specifically disagree with someone. I can just feel a big feeling towards a thing and then I won’t feel okay physically until I’ve addressed it somehow.

I have come to realize it has always gone on like this. I’ve always done this, in some capacity. But I didn’t realize it until I was interacting with the Arcane fandom.

I also like to fight for control. To try and make stuff make sense. I’ve always done this thing when I’m upset or have a problem to solve where I write out everything that’s wrong and then try to fix it from there.

Idk if yall know but I like Viktor. A lot. And I have wanted to write some kind of character analysis. But I simply feel too much for him. I have too many thoughts and theories and some of them are “wrong” or unsupported. And so I have tried writing out everything, just everything about his character and then I’ll make it make sense afterwards. But I never can. There’s always some other aspect of it I’m missing.

And because I have realized this in the last few months, it is so overwhelming. I see these thoughts patterns everywhere now and it’s so much all the time. I’ve had a really hard time these last couple months.

So I keep having this intrusive thought spiral. That it (my poor mental health) is because of Viktor. It’s Viktor’s fault, he’s bad for me. I need to stop my obsession, stop my fixation. I don’t even like him anyways. It’s all just hormones. And do I even get any enjoyment out of this? This has just caused me misery all year. Viktor just causes me misery.

This one hurts me so much. I’m so tired.

I know it’s not true. I know it’s not just because of Viktor and Arcane that I’ve been having a hard time. I’ve done this for other interests. Fuck, I was having the exact same thoughts about Hunter Bad Batch this time last year but I hadn’t identified it as a compulsive pattern yet. So I know it’s not true. But it just keeps coming up.

I see so many posts on here about how being an adult in fandoms is learning to just block and move on. Getting enjoyment out of your own space. And I wish it was easier for me to do that. But I just care so fucking much about what you all think of me. It’s exhausting.

Even now. I’m writing all of this and thinking “this is too long. It doesn’t make any sense. You could make it shorter. Cut out the personal stuff. No one’s gonna read this. It’s bad to post this kind of personal thing online. You’ll just delete it anyway.”

So. Posting this is like a tiny bit of exposure therapy, actually. See that I can share about my life and not die of being judged.

If you happened to read all of this: I love you. And here is a meme as a thank you:

(He had a flea bath)

[reginarubie]

Just read your new work and as much as I adore anything you write I must confess seeing the past jonsa tag hurt me. I just adore them and have been patiently awaiting for the day the jonsa inspires you again! I hope this doesn’t offend you, it was meant to be a compliment. I’m just awful at wording, like I meant your my go to jonsa author of choice so seeing that tag just left me with feels that your moving on but I know experimenting and dabbling in other ships are great for authors!! I don’t know I’m just in my feels I guess?? So many talented Jonsa authors have become in-active or deleting their works, discontinuing, etc and while I know it just part of life and I’m glad some still continue to write or are SELF PUBLISHING!!! (Although sadly they won’t share their official works-I hunt it down one day) I just feel an odd pang in my chest when another one goes down like dang I just wanna hold you all and never let go. God this sounds like I have abandonment issues, I’m just going stop now before I embarrass myself even more

Aw...hello!,

I am your to-go Jonsa author? That like made my day, so thank you! Also don't worry, you are neither pathetic, not have your embarassed yourself. You have just shared in our common love for Jonsa, which I still believe will be the open endgame of the books, tbh, and I could not appreciate you more for it.

Of course I love experimenting and for a long while I have been uninspired in Jonsa, mostly because I have been hyperfixated on Aemondsa (which I think Jon and Aemond share so much traits it's ridiculous), but I have not forgotten all my wips for Jonsa, to which I mean to return in the Summer (I am a perfectionist, procrastinator so unless I am on the wave of hyperfixation I am never quite satisfied enough with my work to share it, but the updates shall come soon).

You know what else shall come soon, because my muse actually is never satisfied with just one story and just one ship at time?

A new Jonsa story I have been keeping under wraps, a season 7/8 rewrite with specks of book canon as well.

Look, I'll even leave the edit I've done for it, and the summary. I plan to get it out by the end of June with the first chapter, so prepare your popcorns, seatbelts and fav comf food because I'll be back on my Jonsa shit again. And it's gonna be epic!

A song for wolves,

The South has a new queen, a dragon queen who wears her name like a true Targaryen. Mother of the Dragons. Mother of monsters. Dark mother, brought ruin, death and fire to the Realm, and put to torch her enemies. With Fire and Blood she has torn at the lioness of the Rock and the whole world shall bend the knee to this foreign conqueror, or endure become ashes. And yet, to the North a new enemy rises. House Stark. The ancient kings on winter, the last defence against death and ice; battered, exiled and tortured they rose again in the name of the King in the North. A bastard deserter and his sisters; a Lannister's wife and a girl. “They are Starks, and the northerners never forget,” When winter comes... You'll hear no lions roar... No stags grazing the fields... No roses growing in the meadows... No snakes in the sand... The krakens will freeze where they swim... The flayed men will rot and wither... No trouts swimming in the river and no falcons flying in the air... Not even the dragons breath will warm you in your halls. Only the wolfs howl in the night... Winter is coming.

As always, hope you stay tuned, and yes the edit's got better since I started to make them, but alas no, those clips, music and quotes do not belong to me, we all knew how things would go if they did.

As always sending all my love ~G.

[jasongotdrip]

FREAKING YAP ALERT 🚨

hyperfixation is so weird like. finish a show (in this case, arcane) and think about it until you finish a game (mouthwashing) and you think about that until you think about a show you used to watch (hxh) and you think about that until you’re thinking about those finished shows and games at the same time and you’re just buzzing. buzzing. just brrr like an overwhelmed calculator that’s doing multiple problems at once. BECAUSE I WANNA MAKE ARCANE ART LIKE I SAID I WOULD. I WANNA MAKE MOUTHWASHING ART BUT I’VE ONLY MADE ONE VIDEO. AND NOW HXH IS COMING BACK TO ME😭😭 ALONG WITH EVERY OTHER FANDOM/INTEREST I HAVE???🙏

IM SORRY THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HYPERFIXATION BUT I NEED TO YAP.

this is a vent that’s been building up since like October👍

I HAAATE HAVING “RIZZ” IM SORRY BUT WHY DO PEOPLE KEEP LIKING ME. I DIDNT EVEN DO ANYTHING MAN. I LITERALLY JUST EXIST. IM A FILLER FRIEND WHO KEEPS EVERYONE HAPPY.

feelings are completely valid, of course. i respect everyone. it’s hard for me to develop feelings without like.. idk. I might be demiromantic or something on that spectrum. But that’s besides the point.

I make it my goal to stay on good terms with everyone. I just want to make people happy, that’s all i’m here for. if you have feelings, shoot your shot!

but please, PLEASE. You don’t confess your love to someone you’d met 3 months ago. You DONT, confess to someone you’d met 3 months ago,who you KNEW was in New Orleans, SEEING THEIR GRANDFATHER. FOR THE LAST TIME.

if any year of my life were a test, 2024 would have been it. I moved houses, schools, lost people physically and mentally, gained people, and matured. well i had to, of course.

on Tuesday October 22, 2024. 2 days after getting home from visiting my grandfather. my world went silent in the parking lot of my sister’s college. I stood there staring at the ground after being told he passed away. I can’t even remember how long I stood there. I felt my phone slip out of my hand onto the ground and I felt my sister’s arms around me but I didn’t move. The drive home with my mom was silent. Then the phone calls and texts rolled in from my family, but I was still silent. I was angry. Grateful that he wasn’t in pain but angry that he had to suffer in the first place. I didn’t tell any of my friends until the next day, at school, after breaking down in class. Some still don’t even know. My voice stayed quiet for a while after that. I saw my dad for the first time in months. I saw family and friends and I realized as much as it hurts, I’ll always be grateful to have people that care.

honestly something in me wants to believe he’s still in new orleans. not in the hospital, dancing and singing at restaurants. i tried convincing myself at the funeral too. but as i walked out that church I realized I can’t live my life the way i have been.

I stepped up and i started making friends. Me, the introverted quiet kid, talked to people. I visited my dad, and my family more than ever. I broke the mould i put myself into. I reached out to some old friends from old schools. Most of all, I started appreciating little things about myself. I used to absolutely hate my freckles and my curly hair, and while i can’t say i LOVE myself, i don’t hate myself… as much. And that’s huge for me. I can’t say my sh habits have gotten better.. but i’ll work on that. :)

i realized i changed in confidence mentally but also physically— this isn’t the best example, so i’ll be vague. when my mom and stepdad fight i always feel words bubbling up in my throat like lava. I want to tell them to stop, that my siblings shouldn’t hear it. And guess what? That’s what i did!! When things get out of hand i don’t even care I’ll literally speak up. …sometimes they’ll tell me to shut the hell up or go away. But sometimes they listen. I think they noticed how much risk I take now. Hit me I literally do not give a freak. And then i’ll clean the entire house, loudly or quietly because i clean when I’m absolutely seeing red.

for sure , music helps. when I’m buzzing angrily or i’m feeling horrible or anxious, i put on my headphones and I manipulate myself into feeling the happiness from a song. I learned how to literally make myself happy, even if it’s just a cover up lol

another thing i realized? I can’t live my life without doing something to help this curse of a disease. I want to help people and families with cancer. Any type. I’ve never felt so strongly about my future. Whether it’s full time or not, I want to work in the medical field as a nurse, oncologist or something like that. A dream hit me then, if i started some kind of organization to donate and help families travel to their patients, to visit them and remind them that they’re loved, and that they have things to live for. That’s a huge stretch and i have no idea how I’d accomplish it, but it’s worth thinking about.

because too much of my family has been lost to cancer. cancer eats away at families and no one deserves to go through it. i want to help. whether it’s helping families, patients themselves, researching, or anything.

I’m only a teenager so this career/life dream is probably gonna warp or change, but I’ll always want to help somehow.

now i uh.. don’t remember why I’m saying all this on a tumblr post. It was supposed to be about hyperfixation but now im feeling inspired? I might have gone through every emotion writing this.😭