#I’m extremely weak to alcohol and caffeine

[grimeowkin]

I got possessed by the ghost of nurse varré and needed to get this out of my system

(A parking lot encounter outside of the hospital.)

A man stands underneath a vandalised lamppost, staring off into the distance. He seems deep in thought, a faraway look in his eyes as he takes the occasional drag of his cigarette. You recognise him— He’s the nurse that berated a particularly squeamish patient earlier, when they’d squirmed too much while getting their blood drawn.

Questionable bedside manners aside, it was kind of hot.

A. Approach and ask him for a cigarette.

B. Leave him be, he seems like bad news.

C. Linger in the area and hope that he notices you.

D. Fake an injury, so that he HAS to notice you.

[kwanisms]

Kinktober 「10:10」 — j.yunho

» ateez menu | yunho menu | kinktober masterlist «

➮ wereleopard!Yunho × fem!Reader wc: 3.3k summary: Yunho hadn’t been on a date in ages when he managed to land a date with his cute coworker, Y/N. Cue one awkward first date and a handful of other successful ones, Yunho feels like he’s starting to settle into his growing relationship. The only thing holding him back is that his girlfriend is so small and it drives him mad with the desire to pin her down and unleash his inner beast. He finally comes clean when Y/N asks him why they aren’t more intimate. genres/themes/au: angst/fluff/smut; supernatural, horror, thriller; non idol au, monster idol au warnings: adult dialogue, female reader, reader is smaller than yunho by a lot mention of alcohol consumption, supernatural and horror themes, mentions of: caffeine consumption (coffee lol), office dynamics, work relationships, coworkers to lovers, leopard mating habits in the wild (lol); sexual content (18+ mdni), see smut warnings under the cut! taglist has been moved to reblogs join my taglists! kinktober taglist is closed! Strikethrough means I cannot tag you.  MINORS WILL BE BLACKLISTED & BLOCKED. AGELESS BLOGS WILL ALSO BE BLOCKED.

a/n: i had a lot of fun with this one and like i mention in the smut warnings under the cut, Yunho's cock is... less than human lol. if that bothers you, don't read this. I'm not called monsterfucker for no reason! i don't really have much else to say about this so thank you for reading and as always, this is a work of fiction and all characters are not reflective of their respective irl counterparts. for entertainment purposes only.

smut warnings: teratophilia (aka monsterfucking), size kink, praise (f receiving), unprotected sex (use condoms pls), use of pet names (baby, babe, sweetheart, kitty, little one, etc), dom!Yunho, sub!Reader, Yun has a huge d!ck (because of course he does), biting (f receiving), scratching (f receiving), non-human genitalia (because he’s a werecat, he has a barbed d!ck. Does it make sense? No. Do I care? Also no. don’t like it, don’t read it ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ i’m not responsible for your media consumption lol), I think that’s all but just let me know if I missed something. kinks: Size kink + praise dialogue prompt: ❛❛ Try to stay quiet for me, kitten. Can you do that? ❜❜

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Being a werecat had its advantages and its disadvantages.

For instance, Yunho was extremely agile, light on his feet, and fast despite his large stature. All positives in his book. He was always the fastest and most graceful in gym class. Everything athletic came naturally to him. 

The cons were it was rough on his dating life. In his teens, he didn’t even bother dating because he was too busy with school and sports but when he finished college and started working, dating became a strange and foreign landscape for him.

Until he met you of course.

When he first encountered you in the break room, he froze upon seeing your tiny frame at the coffee maker. He’d been working at the office for six months by that point and he’d never seen you before. The moment you turned away from the counter, stirring your mug of coffee, and your locked eyes with him, Yunho knew it was all over for him.

You were quite possibly the most beautiful person he’d ever seen, your light makeup and soft lip color. The cream and black button down blouse with sheer sleeves and the tight black pencil skirt that hit just below your knees, hugging and showing off your curves had him weak in the knees.

He was doomed before you even opened your mouth.

You quickly introduced yourself, stepping forward to shake his hand. The feeling of your tiny hand in his was one he would not forget easily. You were so small compared to him. It ignited within him the desire to protect you from the entire office. 

He learned you were part of the IT department while he worked in human resources. You were a transfer from another location of the same company and had just started a few days ago. Yunho took you under his wing immediately despite having only been there a few months but he knew if he didn’t act now, someone else might beat him to it.

You started taking your lunches together and sending messages back and forth. Yunho started to show you around the city when you were off work and you became fast friends.

That friendship for him blossomed quickly into a work crush but he never in a million years thought you might also like him and so when he overheard you telling another coworker about your work crush, his heart sank, thinking you had developed feelings for someone else.

It wasn’t until he heard you say his name that he perked up and realized that you liked him back.

It took him an embarrassingly long time to work up the courage to ask you out and when he finally did, you accepted his invitation for dinner immediately. He’d worried himself so much with you potentially rejecting him, despite knowing you had a crush on him, that he didn’t even have a plan in place for the date but he quickly mapped it all out, scoring a reservation at a really nice place near the river.

Dinner was amazing, the food was spectacular, the conversation was flowing as was the wine and afterwards, the two of you found yourselves walking by the river, admiring the lights of the city. Yunho wanted more than anything to hold your hand and when he finally took the plunge and took your hand in his, he was a goner.

The date ended with him walking you to the bus stop and you had ask him to bend down so you could kiss his cheek before boarding the bus bound for home. Yunho had ridden that high for the rest of the weekend leading into the following Monday and safe to say, he was already smitten.

One date turned into two, which turned into another and soon the two of you agreed to be exclusive. There were thankfully no rules in place that prohibited dating coworkers so long as the two parties weren’t in the same department which you and Yunho were not so it was allowed.

Months flew by and while your relationship progressed romantically and emotionally, physically was another story. That’s not to say you hadn’t kissed. Of course you had. Yunho loved nothing more than kissing you, especially when you were perched on his lap but it never progressed past that.

Yunho was afraid of hurting you. He was quite large, not just in stature. His nature as a wereleopard also meant that he was a great deal more… animalistic. He didn’t have normal human parts. Just like a male cat had spikes on its penis, Yunho had similar protrusions, albeit not as sharp but he knew that it couldn’t be comfortable, having those raking against the inside of your body.

On top of that, he was afraid he might be too rough with you. So as much as he didn’t want to, he often pulled back when things got a little too heated.

It was no different as he sat on your couch, having come over with take out on a Friday night, your designated date nights. That night it was a night in with take out and a show the two of you had gotten into together. Empty takeout containers sat on the coffee table along with a half empty bottle of wine and empty wine glasses.

The tv played softly in the background as you sat perched on Yunho’s lap, fingers twisting through his hair gently as your lips moved against one another, tongues meeting in a languid dance, neither seeking control. His large hands held your tiny waist as you moaned into his mouth, grinding lightly against him.

Yunho had started the evening with an erection, covering it with one of your blankets while you ate and watched TV but when you climbed on top of him, he couldn’t hide it anymore as it strained against his pants, begging for release. When you rolled your hips again, pulling away to leave a trail of kisses down the column of his neck, Yunho finally spoke up.

“Baby,” he croaked, voice hoarse from having not used it in a long while. “Hmm?” you hummed, kisses down to the spot where his neck and shoulder met, a sweet spot of his. You pulled the collar of his shirt away to kiss and nip at the spot, making his mind go blank briefly.

“I-” Yunho let out a moan as your tongue ran along the exposed skin. “I should probably get going.”

You raised your head, lips brushing against his ear. “Why?” you whispered. “Tomorrow is Saturday,” you reminded him. “We don’t work tomorrow.” You pressed soft, wet kisses on the underside of his jaw, one of your hands sliding from his hair down his chest. “You could finally sleep over,” you murmured as your hand continued its path, one that was heading right for the front of his jeans.

“I-I…” Yunho was grasping for a reason to not spend the night despite the fact that he so desperately wanted to. God did he want to spent the night so fucking bad. He wanted more than anything to take you to bed, make love to you and wake up next to you in the morning.

“Please spend the night, Yuyu,” you cooed softly, fingers moving to undo the button of his jeans. Yunho snapped out of it and firmly pushed you back, holding you steadily on his lap as he looked at you with wide eyes. You stared at him in confusion. He could only imagine what was going through your head.

“It’s not a good idea,” he finally said. Your expressions shifted from confusion to dejected as he rejected your advances yet again. ‘Fuck. Don’t look at me like that.’ He hated telling you no, especially when he wanted the exact opposite. “I’m sorry, sweetheart,” he said softly. “It’s just…” he trailed off, knowing there was no easy way to explain his reluctance to you.

Never did he expect that you thought the problem was you.

“Do you not want me?”

Your question paired with the crestfallen look on your face made his heart break.

“You think I don’t want you?” he asked softly, moving a hand to cup your cheek. “Baby,” he said with a sigh as you leaned into his touch. “I want you so bad. I want you so bad it hurts,” he continued. “I’m just trying to protect you.” Your eyes opened to look at him. “Protect me?” you asked. “From what?”

Yunho let out a heavy sigh. “From me.”

Your brows knitted together in confusion. “I don’t understand…” you whispered. Yunho took a deep breath before speaking. “I’m not normal, Y/N,” he started, taking your hands in his, pressing his palms against yours before lacing your fingers together. “I’ve told you about the curse,” he explained, looking up as you nodded. “That you’re a wereleopard,” you replied.

“Well, there are things about me that look human and for the most part, I am rather ordinary,” he continued to explain, looking down at your intertwined hands. “But in some ways I’m quite… odd.” You let out an impatient noise, pulling your hands from his and pushing his shoulders back so he was leaning against the back of the couch, you leaning against him as you twisted your fingers into his hair, playing with his locks. “I’d say extraordinary,” you argued with a smile.

Yunho couldn’t help the smile that rose to his face. “You’re sweet,” he said softly, giving you a quick kiss. “But I’m serious,” he added, smile falling. “I wish I could explain it,” he continued with a sigh. “But it’s difficult.” You pressed a couple kisses to his lips and cheek. “Then show me,” you suggested. “Please Yuyu?” you added when he opened his mouth to protest.

“Baby, I don’t want to freak you out. It’s… weird.”

You frowned, sitting up and looking at him. “You are many things, Jeong Yunho, and weird may be one of them but that’s never deterred me before, has it?” you asked, tilting your head. Yunho smiled again, a chuckle rising up from his chest. “No, I suppose it hasn’t.” The smile returned to your face.

“Then just show me,” you repeated. “I promise I won’t go running for the hills.”

Yunho sighed and nodded, guiding you off his lap. “Just, promise me you won’t… freak out?” he asked as he started to undo his jeans. You nodded. “I promise, babe,” you replied, eyes wide with excitement as he undid his jeans, pulling the zipper down slowly. He raised his hips, pushing his jeans halfway down his thighs. 

You could see his cock already straining against his underwear, a dark patch of precum staining the fabric. It made your mouth water and soon you wanted more than to just see it. Yunho took a deep breath before sliding his hand into his boxers, pulling his cock free and your eyes widened as you took in the sight.

It was not what you were expecting. It was mostly human shaped, flesh colored with a bulbous head darker than the rest. A small bead of precum seeping out of the slit. The shaft was pale, veiny like most cocks but what set it apart from the rest were the small bumps around the base of the head. You leaned in closer to inspect, seeing that the bumps were actually pointed.

You looked up at Yunho. “Can I touch it?” you asked softly. Yunho looked surprised by your lack of disgust and that you were more curious and willing to touch him. He nodded, moving his hand to the base of his cock as you reached out a small hand, fingers wrapping around his cock just under the head.

Seeing your tiny hand on his cock nearly sent him over the edge but he managed to keep his composure as your fingers moved, dancing lightly over the head of his cock. “Oh,” you said, sounding surprised as you rubbed the pad of your finger over the spines of his cock. “I thought they would be sharper,” you murmured. Yunho was struggling to keep his breathing steady as you wrapped your fingers around his cock once more. He let out a hiss, head falling back onto the couch cushion.

Curiously, you leaned over, giving the very tip of his cock a lick, cleaning the precum that had gathered there. Yunho let out a gasp, hips bucking as you sat back up, giving him a cheeky smile. “It’s not weird,” you finally said. “I think it’s actually neat,” you added, glancing down at his cock. “I wonder what it feels like,” you added, fingers brushing the spines once more.

“You wanna find out?” Yunho asked, his voice dropping an octave. You looked up at him, meeting his dark gaze. Wordlessly, you nodded. “Yes,” you breathed out as he held out a hand. “God yes,” you exclaimed, taking his hand. He pulled you back onto his lap, pulling you into a kiss as you settled against his cock, the underside pressing against your cloth covered crotch.

“Fuck,” Yunho groaned as you kissed down his neck, fingers moving to undo the buttons of his shirt. Once you had it undone, you pushed the material aside, exposing his toned chest and abs. “C’mere,” he said, grabbing the back of your neck and pulling you into another heated kiss, tongue sliding against yours messily. “One second,” you murmured, pulling away.

Yunho watched as you climbed off him, tucking your thumbs into your shorts and slowly pushing them down, along with your underwear until it fell to your feet. Stepping out of them, you quickly removed your shirt and climbed back onto his lap as he shrugged his own shirt off, having removed his pants and underwear while you were stripping.

“Wait,” Yunho said as you grabbed his cock, lining the tip with your slit. “I need to prep you, baby,” he said as you sat down, sinking on his cock. You let out a moan, taking the head of his cock with ease. “Fuuuuck,” Yunho moaned, head falling back as his hands gripped your waist tightly.

He underestimated how wet you were as your walls enveloped him. “So big,” you moaned, pausing halfway down his shaft. “It’s okay,” Yunho cooed. “Take your time, little one.” You moaned, resting your forehead against his, your hot breaths mixing together as your body slowly adjusted to the massive intrusion.

As you sank further, taking more of his thick cock inside you, the bumps added to the sensation. Each inch stung, a dull burn as your cunt stretched around him. “Fuck, taking me so well, kitty,” he purred, reaching up to cup your cheek. “Can you take more?”

Without answering, you sank further until the tip of his cock was pressed against your cervix. You had taken every single inch without prep like a champ and Yunho would not forget it. Nor would he let you forget it. “Such a good girl, taking all of my cock. It’s like you were made for me.”

Your walls squeezed around him. “Fuck, you’re so tiny,” he said, as his hands moved up your sides. “Such a small little kitty taking my cock like a good girl.” The praise went straight to your core and you wanted more. As you raised your hips, you let out a strained moan, feeling the spines at the base of his cock head lightly rake against your walls.

“Oh holy shit,” you gasped, freezing. Yunho’s hands steadied you. “Are you okay?” he asked breathlessly. You nodded. “It’s different,” you answered. “But I like it.” You continued, more of his cock sliding out of you as the spines scratched the inside of your cunt. You sank back down on him, moaning loudly as the tip of his cock hit your ceRvix.

“F-fuck!” Yunho groaned, fingers digging into your skin as you started to move faster, bouncing on his cock, each pull dragging the spines against your walls and making you cry out. It didn’t hurt but it was definitely a much different feeling. It took ‘ribbed for her pleasure’ to a whole new level.

Your thighs started to burn as you tried your best to keep up but Yunho could tell you were getting tired and your legs were going to give out any moment with the way they were shaking. “Stop,” he gasped. “Let me.” Yunho easily turned, depositing you onto the couch on your back and was sliding back into your walls, as he pushed your thighs to your chest.

You cried out as he thrust into you roughly, feeling the spines on his cock drag against your walls. “Yunnie!” you whined as he fucked you against the couch, the room filling with the sound of his hips hitting yours with each thrust. Your hands moved to his back as he pounded into you, the feeling of his hard cock ramming into your cervix making you cry out.

Yunho let out a growl as he felt your nails raked down his back, the feeling spurring him on. Just as quickly as he started, he pulled out of you. He easily maneuvered you onto your stomach, re-entering you from behind and stilling there as he peppered kisses along your shoulder.

“Try to stay quiet for me, kitten. Can you do that?”

You nodded eagerly but the moment he started moving, you were unable to keep quiet as he slammed into you roughly. He never expected you to actually keep quiet but he thought he might as well try seeing as you had neighbors. They would just have to deal with the noise.

You pushed back to meet his thrusts, making him groan into your neck. You cried out in both pain and pleasure as you felt his teeth sink into your shoulder, his hips never faltering as he fucked you roughly. It was much more raw and animalistic than you’d ever had it but you loved every second of it.

“F-fuck,” you cursed. “M’gonna cum, Yunnie!” 

Your whimpers and moans urged him on, hips snapping against your ass with a renewed vigor as he pushed you towards your orgasm. “That’s it,” he breathed in your ear, letting go of your shoulder and leaving a deep impression of his teeth in your skin. “Cum on my cock like a good kitty.”

Your walls spasmed around him as you came with a cry of his name. He didn’t stop, chasing his own high as he thrust harshly into you until his own orgasm finally washed over him, releasing his cum into you with one final thrust. You let out another moan as his seed filled your cunt and he stayed there, making sure every last drop made it into your spent hole.

As you lay there, panting and covered in sweat, Yunho littered kiss after kiss along your shoulder, licking the spot he’d bitten down on before kiss up your neck and cheek as you turned your face towards him. “That’s why you were keeping from me?” you asked breathlessly with a chuckle.

Yunho laughed, pressing a kiss to the corner of your mouth. “I thought you wouldn’t like it,” he admitted. “I can be an animal in bed, or in this case, couch.” You laughed again, letting out a sigh. “Next time, let’s do it on the bed,” you murmured. “More space.” Yunho chuckled. “Give me five and I’ll be ready to go again.” You lifted your head, turning to look at him.

“Again?” you asked, eyes wide. You were exhausted. How was he not? Yunho chuckled as he pressed a kiss to your temple. “I told you,” he replied. “I’m not entirely like normal men. I’m a wereleopard.” He turned your face towards him, pulling you into a kiss as you felt his cock start to harden within your walls.

“And in the wild, leopards mate up to over two hundred times over a few days,” he added between kisses. He pulled back to look at you with a devious smile.

“And we have all weekend, sweetheart.”

©️ kwanisms 2024 | all works on this blog are protected under copyright. Do not repost, continue, or translate my works. All graphics made by me.

[sohin-ace]

Bucciarati - Drunk

This is cross-posted from Wattpad and available on AO3.

Enjoy~

Gender Neutral reader peeps

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You barged into the hideout, slamming the door behind you as you could barely stand on your two feet.

You leaned over the wall, one hand searching anything to grab on and the other craddling your face as a sharp migraine hit you.

"U-uughh... Hmngh..." You groaned and panted, which grabbed the attention of the two males who were present and talking before you came in.

"Y/N, are you okay?!" Mista gasped as he noticed you stumbling clumsily into the living room. You didn't look good at all.

"What on Earth happened to you?" Bucciarati came in worriedly, opening his arms wide to catch you as you struggled to walk to him.

You eventually toppled over into his arms and gripped his shirt for support as you tried to stand up properly.

"B-bruno..." You mumbled and he stared at you in shock as the strong stench of alcohol hit his nose.

"Y/N, are you drunk?"

"A wittl-little bit..." You slurred, burying your face in his chest as your legs wanted to give up right under you.

"Why? I sent you undercover, why did you drink? Did you even get the information I asked?"

He had his hands secured on your arms, keeping you upstanding as he got a bit frustrated by the current state you were in. You were usually so efficient on missions and so serious about work, you better had a good excuse for this.

"Iss... The shtand uge-user...."

You patted and fondled messily with your pants pockets until you finally took out a folded piece of paper. You lifted your hand up, almost shoving the paper in your superior's face to offer it to him.

He squinted his eyes and took the paper, carefully reading the content. His expression relaxed as he sighed in relief upon seeing what you had written. All the confidential informations he needed was scribbled down by you prior to losing your mind. Mission was completed. Thank God.

At that very moment, you lost balance and collapsed on him, your legs giving up under you as you slid down his stiff body slowly.

"Yo Y/N's waaaasteed..." Mista gasped before he snorted, throwing his soda can in the trash without a care in the world. "I'm going to sleep, have fun, capo."

The gunman, although yearning to see you all drunken and weird and maybe get some good juicy embarassing stories to bring up and mess you with later, still fled the scene with a snicker, leaving the elder have that pleasure for himself.

Bucciarati on the other hand, felt utterly betrayed as he was left to deal with you all alone. Oh Mista would pay for this. But that's a story for another time. Right now, Bucciarati had other things to attend to.

You couldn't even keep your head up as you blindly gripped at Bucciarati's legs and hips, trying to climb him back up like a tree.

He tensed up and flinched when you leaned your face against his crotch for desperate support, trying to get on your now wobbly knees.

Quickly, and in a moment of brilliant improvisation, he opened a portal with Sticky Fingers right underneath you, which lead right through another one above him, making you fall down directly into his arms. A smooth move, truly. Expected from the one and only Bruno Bucciarati.

He couldn't help but sigh. Seems like he'd have to take care of you for the night, clearly you were in no state to even do the very basics of self-care. Not that he wasn't used to being caretaker anyways.

Bucciarati took a moment to look at you as he held you, his hands secured protectively around you.

Your face was unnaturally flushed red and your eyes were half-lidded, threatening to flutter close on your behalf. Your mouth was slightly agape as you breathed steadily through quiet snores, almost like you were already sleeping.

He couldn't deny that it was extremely cute in his eyes, this uncharacteristic sight of you. He smiled down with a quiet chuckle.

"You'll have to tell me what happened in the morning..." He muttered softly to you, craddling your body preciously against him.

"I like your face~" You brought your fingertips to his face and carefully touched him, flinching slightly at the airy contact, like a curious cat discovering a human for the very first time.

He huffed and you leaned your head up to rest your chin on his shoulder, throwing one arm lazily around his neck and the other on his cheek.

"Oh yeah you're almost as cute as Bruno Bu-hic!" You hiccuped and he bit back a laugh. "Bucci... Buccillati... Buttiarrati... Buchittity..." You mumbled messily against his shoulder, struggling to pronounce his name as he walked you both towards the stairs.

Oh he would definitely make fun of you for that as soon as you're sober. You better not try to mess with him in the future, he just has quite enough material to blackmail you now.

As his mindset was still waving on the thoughts of all the ways he could tease you, if you asked for it, he was certainly not, and could never be ready for your upcoming drunken shenanigans.

"Aahh~ I want to have rough sex with Bruno..." You moaned quietly and he stopped dead in his tracks, tensing up, a light gasp escaping his lips.

His heart jumped in his chest at your words and he gulped slightly, trying to look down at your hidden face.

Were you serious? No, surely it was the alcohol, toxin or whatever Stand user you went against had done to you... right?

"Ah! Don't tell Capo I said that!" You perked up very suddenly, realizing you just blurted your deepest secret out to what you currently thought was a perfect stranger.

But you relaxed back against him as fast as your panick fit came. He squeezed gently on your thighs and torso, right where he was holding you as if to give you validation, and regained his composure.

"I won't..." Bucciarrati reassured you softly as he arrived to your assigned room in the hideout.

He pushed open the, thankfully unlocked, door and gently placed you on the bed as you whined like a small child. He cared to take the time to remove your shoes, jacket, belt and any constraining piece of clothing and accessories off of you.

"Nooo don't do this! Where's Capoo I want capooo!" You complained and squirmed, your voice cracking slightly.

"I'm right here Y/N, it's me. Calm down." He sat down at the edge of the bed, sensing your sudden distress.

"Where is capo? Where is Bruno when I need him..." His expression fell when he noticed tears streaming down your face. "I don't want to die like you fratellino..."

His heart shattered. He couldn't help his widening eyes boring through yours. Were you seeing your brother through him right now? Did you really have to hallucinate in such an insufferable way?

He knew of your past and how your little brother had gruesomely died in front of your very eyes, you helpless to his cries for help and mercy. Bucciarati knew it was hard to live on with this memory, but he didn't know that it still haunted you so strongly to this day. And he sure would have loved to prevent said memory to resurface.

"Don't be scared, Y/N. I won't let you die..."

"Capo..." You whimpered quietly as you finally recognized his kind voice and he shushed you, brushing the back of his hand on your wet cheek.

"Go to sleep, I'm right next to you." And just like that, with the small confirmation that you were safe with him, you calmed down and closed your eyes, drifting off to sleep.

He sighed heavily, not moving for a moment as he watched your peaceful expression.

You always were so strong and unfaltered, as if nothing could ever break you. You were such a piece of sunshine in Passione in his eyes, making sure everybody was always fine, that he was fine. So seeing you so weak and vulnerable in front of him really tore his heart.

He got up from his seat and went to grab a clean towel and some warm water. He cleaned you off of the blood, sweat, tears and alcohol, careful to not wake you up.

When he finished, he gently tucked you in the covers, brushing some hairs out of your face, taking the liberty to touch you. Surely you wouldn't have minded the gesture, he thought.

The next morning came and you walked groggily in to the living room, the cold shower you just took having no effect on waking you up.

"Hi Y/N!" Narancia muffled at your sight, a croissant halfway shoved into his mouth.

"You don't look so good." Giorno noticed as you took a seat at the table, joining the men who took notice of your, quite awful-looking, presence.

"Yeah..." You breathed, obviously tired. "I have the worst headache possible, yesterday's mission was just terrible..."

You craddled your painful head with one hand and served yourself some coffee with the other, in desperate need of some caffeine to relieve the pounding in your brain.

"Oh yeah! You came back home all wasted and messed up last night, what happened?" Mista shot up as he was feeding some biscuits to the Sex Pistols.

"The mission started off great, just some basic undercover at some grand ceremony, but right around the end of the party, that one Stand user spotted me and long story short, I had to down up the entire punch bowl all by myself to drown the Stand's effect and prevent the guy from jumping me. It was wild..."

You sighed and chugged your black coffee raw, no sugar, no creamer, no nothing, bland. Fugo made a face at you and Abbachio feigned concern.

"Poor child."

"You remember what happened when you got home?" Mista smirked, a deliciously evil idea suddenly running through his otherwise empty head.

"No... It's all blurry, I woke up in my bed, that's it..." You rubbed your eyes, not even slightly ready for what you were about to hear.

" 'Cause you and Bucciarati were loooouuud yesterday night!" Mista teased, pointing accusatingly at you and you stared at him in disbelief.

Giorno squinted suspiciously at his friend and Abbachio clicked his tongue with sheer annoyance. There we go again. Narancia could only lean over the table in anticipation, things getting just about the right amount of juicy.

"What?? What do you mean loud?!"

"Like..." Mista choked in an arrogant snicker. "You fell in his arms, and I went to my room, so far so good, but then I heard the noises."

"You're lying!" You tried to sound confident, but you were very much believing his words and getting more and more scared. "Wh-what kind of noises?"

Mista slowly slurped his tea while glancing at you sideways. "...well I shouldn't elaborate, there are children in this room."

"W-where is he now?!! Bucciarati!!" You turned fully to the gunslinger, your hands shaking, burning with the need to grab him and shake his brains out. No way he was truthing right now, he must be messing with you, you thought.

"He's probably still sleeping, you must have left him... Heh... restless." He snorted by the end of his sentence and Narancia roared at the sinful assumption.

"OOOOOOOHHHH!!!"

You gasped and grabbed his collar. "Dude I swear you're lying right now, you're lying! Bucciarati will lick your face that's how bad you're lying!!!"

"Can we not talk about this again, please?" Speak of the devil, Bucciarati came in and you all stared at him.

You checked him up and down anxiously for any signs of dishevelement that could have resulted from a potential 'wild' night Mista seemed to hint at.

But he looked perfectly fine, as he always was. Nothing strange or out of place to note. You bolted up so fast, you almost knocked your chair off.

"C-capo!!! I have a question!" You choked on your own spit from speaking too fast and the man chuckled, putting his hands on your tense shoulders.

"That can wait, Y/N. Go sit down and finish your breakfast. You have the day off, take it easy."

He then sat down next to Abbachio and started eating and you defeatedly got back to your seat. Mista, as well as the others pretended the conversation never even happened and rathered none of you ever bringing anything up.

And so you were left there, confused out of your mind, wondering if anything was even real and what was your life anymore.

You glanced over at the smiling gunman joking with Fugo.

Thanks a lot Mista.

Bonus:

"Hey Bucciarati?"

"Hm?"

"Did you... Like... Do the do with Y/N last night?"

The leader deadpanned at Mista while putting his newspaper down. What the hell was he babbling on again?

"...Really now?"

"I'm just asking! 'Cause you know, yesterday, you two were all alone and..." He trailed off, hinting at the obvious, at least for a dirty minded person. "Y/N was kinda like... Not even standing straight and shit..."

Bucciarati sighed heavily, already tired on his only peaceful day and got back to reading his newspaper.

"I'm not taking advantage of a drunken, non-consenting person, Guido, if that's what you were assuming."

"O-okay..." The gunman paused and looked forward for a moment. Not done with the conversation, he broke the silence again.

"But would you be mad if everyone thought you did it?" Bucciarati glared at Mista, wondering if he was serious. "...including Y/N?"

"...You're a dead man."

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #364

“you wanna know what zeus said to narcissus?  /  ‘you’d better watch yourself’“

Do you change your type of music regularly? Nah. I've ben all about metal and rock since middle school. Would you want to visit Tokyo, Japan, someday? It's not actually on my bucket list or anything, but I'd do it. Do you curse like a sailor? Sailors are better than I am, aha... Do you hear trains pass by where you live? No. Ever been in a race? Haha, no. Last time you’ve eaten a taco? I hate tacos. Do you like horses? Sure do! Do you like Starburst? omg YES. What is your favourite wild animal? MEERKATS!!!!!! :') Do you like hamsters? They're very cute, but I've never met a nice one. Do you eat bananas? Yeah, I like bananas, but I'm VERY picky with how ripe it is. There's like, barely a two-day span where I'm willing to eat them. What is your favourite bookstore? I don't have one. What is your favorite fast food joint? Sonic. Do you sweat easily? Ugh, you haven't the slightest idea. As a side effect of one (or two?) of my prescriptions, I have I N S A N E hyperhidrosis. I can stand outside for a millisecond in like 70 degree weather and I'm already sweating. If you could move (and SERIOUSLY think about this) where would you move? All factors considered, being entirely realistic, the mountain-y region of western NC. Why would you go there? I want to stay in NC to at least not be a massive ways away from my family, and I loooove mountains. Plus, there's a lot of cool places on the other end of the state. Do you want to travel? Yes. I want to see so much more than this boring 'ole state. What was the last vaccination you got? For Covid. Have there ever been any forest or grass fires in your area? There have been wildfires towards the beach, I believe? Any time it happened we would always get the smoke all the way where we live. Are you Italian? Not to my knowledge. Do you own an acoustic guitar? No. What is something you have given a lot of thought to lately? My physical health. When did you last swallow your beliefs to avoid an argument or confrontation? Recently. Can you roll your own cigarettes? I've never smoked, so. Are you mentally strong? I think so. I hope so. Are you physically strong? I am like, comically weak. Are you heartbroken right now? No. Do you ever get complimented on your eyes? What color are they? It's happened, but it's definitely not a regular thing or whatever. They're grayish blue. What facial feature do you like the best on a person? I'd say I'm most attracted to pretty eyes. What is the weirdest animal you’ve ever held? I helped hold a massive snake as a kid (I don't remember what it was), and I've also held a rose hair tarantula. I can't think of any truly strange animals by my opinion, really. Do you get extremely hyper when under the influence of sugar? No. Sugar seems to have zero effect on me, probably because I'm over-exposed to it thanks to soda... What about caffeine? Not at all, likely for the aforementioned reason. Have you ever tried any drugs? If so, did you regret it? Besides alcohol, no. I don't regret having drank as it was never a lot. Do you have any pregnant friends? A high school acquaintance is pregnant. I THINK she's the only one now? I swear I see a new pregnancy announcement on Facebook like every two days, and mind you I don't even have all that many "friends." That being said, I may definitely be forgetting someone. When ordering food, what do you usually get as a drink? Depending on whether they have Pepsi or Coke products, either Mountain Dew or Coke. When drawing something, do you try to be super precise or do you not care? I am so, so, SO obsessive over getting everything right, but things never come out as good as I want them to/imagine them. Have you actually read Twilight? I haven't. What about Harry Potter? Never read any of those, either. I started one in elementary school, but didn't get very far at all. Out of the two, which is better? I have like no interest in either, so. How often do you read books? It various. I go through like reading episodes, and then I don't read for months. Are you the jealous type? I'm not like, an insanely jealous person, but it's still the worst it's ever been at this point in my life. I hate it. Are you the type of person who gets jealous of people’s pasts? Nah, no reason to. Do you know anyone who faints at the sight of blood? Not blood, I think, but needles and drawing blood, yes. I know my dad's fainted at least once at the doctor, and Jason fainted when I was getting blood drawn at the ER. What colors are the eyes of your family members? Just about everyone has brown eyes but me, I think my maternal grandpa, and my brother. Are you related to anyone with red hair? Not to my knowledge. Were you a chubby baby? No, I was pretty average. What’s something that makes you incredibly nervous? Social situations with strangers especially. Asking for things. Public speaking/presenting. What’s the latest you’ve ever stayed up to finish homework/a project? God, I remember there was this one night in particular where I stayed up SO late, but I don't remember the exact time. I think I actually cried because I was so stressed and tired. How many vegetarians do you know? In my personal life, I don't believe I know any, but I could be wrong. Have you ever had problems falling asleep in class? I never did, even though I was always tired. Have you ever been on the barrier or front row at a concert? No. Favorite episode of Spongebob? The pizza one, probably. Or the Hash Slinging Slasher episode. What bug frightens you most? Wasps, probably. Are your parents supportive of you? Yes. <3 How often do you take the train to go places? I've never been on a train. Have you ever participated in a mock trial, or a real trial? No. Do you own a pocketknife, or any other kind of multi-tool? No. What was the last thing you took a video of? Hm... I honestly don't remember. What’s something that used to really stress you out, but doesn’t anymore? Thunderstorms. Have you ever had famous neighbors? No. Pick your three favourite vegetables. Broccoli, green beans, and uh... I'm blanking... Habitually I wanna say "corn," but I know it's not technically a veggie, but starch. Have you ever broken a movie or game disc? I think I have? What is your favourite type of cookie? Chocolate chip. Can you rap freestyle? Or at least sing raps from songs? Ha, no. Have you ever shared a house with a significant other? Yeah. Do you scream at scary parts in a horror flick? No. I might jump a bit, but not always. What do you spend most of your time doing? Watching YouTube. Do you really care what’s going on in celebrities' lives? More like the YouTubers I watch. Have you ever broken a plate/bowl? Accidentally by dropping them. When was the last time you felt like you didn’t have a care in the world? I couldn't begin to guess. Has anyone ever drunk called/texted you? No. Can you do a backwards london bridges? God no, I'd bust my back. What smiley do you use the most on the computer? (: maybe. Or :') Are any of your pets “overweight”? No, but why is "overweight" in quotations as if overweight pets aren't a real and serious issue? Has anyone ever bought you a ring? Yeah. On a scale 1-10, how funny are you? I honestly don't think I'm funny at all, so I'd put myself at a 1. Pretty recently though it was very surprising and flattering to have my dad and older sister point out that I'm "hilarious" with my wry sense of humor. I don't see it, but I mean, it was surely appreciated. What’s a song that is overplayed but you still like it anyway? I barely ever listen to the radio, yet I still know "Bohemian Rhapsody" by Queen is played a lot, but I could never get tired of it. Are you excited for Christmas? Christmastime is my favorite time of year nowadays, mainly because of how excited my niece and nephew always are, and we spend most of Christmas Day and usually Christmas Eve with them. I love the weather, the focus on togetherness, all that. What are you thankful for? Man, a lot. I try my best to never overlook all the truly amazing things I do have, like a loving and supportive family, a home, food and safe water, Internet haha, access to medical care (regardless of the complaints I have about American healthcare)... I've got a lot of bad going on in my life, but I've also got a great amount of good things, too. What do you think would be the hardest thing for you to give up on? Internet. What’s your favorite color combination? Maaan, don't do this. I really don't know. Probably two pastels, idk. Do you have any internet friends? I have more Internet friends than I do "real life" ones. What was the last song you listened to? "Deep Six" by Marilyn Manson earlier. How are you feeling right now? My arm is really sore from my second Covid shot, and I'm also having trouble breathing thanks to the dog (apparently, I'm allergic to whatever she is). I know it sounds bad, but I cannot wait 'til she's gone (from this house, no we're of course not euthanizing her). What color is the shirt you’re wearing? Burgundy. Do you play video games? Yeah, just not as much as I used to. Have you ever been to a club and had someone slip something into your drink? I've never been to a club period, and I don't plan on it. Do you know anyone who’s done ecstasy? Not to my knowledge, anyway. Are you on birth control? Yes, but only to regulate and soothe my menstrual cycle. My cramps were insufferable prior. Does your sibling have a significant other? All but my younger sister. Like she's in contact with who she calls "contenders," haha, but she isn't officially dating anyone. She's MEGA picky with who she dates. Have you ever cried at a real wedding? Yes, because it was very triggering to my PTSD. Any idea what you want for your next birthday? That's quiiite a whiles away, so I have plenty of time to think about that. I don't know if I'll be employed by then and thus able to buy some things myself, but I'll just say I won't be (because I'm I think rationally fearful that's where I'll still be). For Christmas I plan on just asking for a new terrarium for Venus plus better materials for it (like a proper temp gauge and hygrometer, etc.), and with that taken care of, then I might be interested in asking for a hognose for my bday, but idk. I'd want to ensure (s)he starts out with a perfect terrarium, and seeing as I want a hoggie morph, that's a lot of money in one go that idk if I'd be comfortable asking. So I'unno, maybe I'll go for a tattoo again. Wow, this was a lot of rambling for something so far off, pardon me haha. Are there any gadgets of yours that need charging right now? My Nintendo DS Lite, actually. I can't find the darn charger for it, and I really need to so I can bring it to Ashley's again for the kids to play the Pokemon game I have that they love. Aubree especially is really into it, and she adores Pikachu and Eevee. :') Which awards show would you wanna go to the most (e.g Oscars, Grammys etc.)? I don't even know what most award shows are for, if I'm being honest. I'm not really interested. What colour is your keyboard? Black, but each key glows red. Have you ever been called a skank/slut because of the way you dress? No. Are you a fan of acrylic nails? Not for myself; I think they'd drive me insane. I do, however, think they look nice on others.

[puddygeeks]

Wᴇ Cᴏᴍᴇ Rᴜɴɴɪɴɢ - Tʜᴇ 100 Bᴇʟʟᴀᴍʏ x OC - Cʜᴀᴘᴛᴇʀ 55: Vɪᴄᴛᴏʀʏ Bʏ Aɴʏ Mᴇᴀɴs

Masterlist

Rating: Mature

Summary: During her time in the Skybox, Indigo formed a precious friendship with fellow outcast Octavia Blake, the girl under the floor. At first they thought their departure from the oppression of the Ark was a blessing, but quickly came to rely on Indigo's keen survival instincts. The 100 struggle to meet the challenges of Earth whilst Bellamy strives to lead the wavering teenagers and his irresponsible attitude fuels constant conflict with Indigo. Their only shared interest is in protecting Octavia and Indigo beings to suspect that there is a deeper cause to Bellamy's seemingly irrational choices. As the consequences of his actions mount up around him, he finally begins to confide in her and she discovers more than she ever bargained for.

Fandom: CW’s The 100

Pairing: OC x Bellamy Blake

LONG TERM ONGOING PROJECT :)

My writing is entirely fuelled by coffee! If you enjoy my work, feel free to donate toward my caffeine dependency: will work for coffee

Warnings: Mature content. Non-consent, language, sex, self harm, suicide, anxiety, helplessness, torture, captivity/confinement, alcohol/drug use.

Chapter Fifty-Five

Settled in the sunshine of the courtyard, I enjoyed the bustle of activity around me, whilst safe in the knowledge that I didn’t have any current responsibilities or risk of surprise attack. It was relaxing to be around familiar faces and to have the time to reflect on my feelings. My time with Arlo gave me little time to think and I relished in the opportunity to let my guard down for a while. I jumped at the arrival of Bellamy, who smiled warmly down at me.

“There you are, Trouble. So, I managed to get access to the training space for this afternoon and the trainees have been told that you’re offering a session. They’re actually pretty pumped. You still feel good enough to instruct?” He investigated with an obvious enthusiasm in his manner and I raised my brows in surprise. Immediately I regretted not discussing a time frame when I’d agreed to this favour and took a moment to gather my words.

“I didn’t expect to be doing that today, but...sure, I can do it for you.” I answered with a forced smile and mentally tried to assure myself that I was able to teach despite the dull ache in my ribs. He looked momentarily concerned as he examined my face and stepped closer to place a hand on my arm in a protective gesture.

“Are you sure? You don’t have to do it if you’re in too much pain.” He enquired with his brows knitted tightly together and I could tell that he was analysing me for any signs of weakness that I might be burying. I shook my head in defiance and hoped that my well-practiced in control act would be enough to fool him. “Alright. You’ll be training with me, so don’t worry about getting hurt.” He revealed in a tone that he clearly intended to be reassuring and I couldn’t help a wry smile at his plan.

“Aww, that’s sweet. You didn’t want me beating the snot out of anyone else, huh?” I taunted deviously and his brows shot up in surprise at my brazen attitude. “So selfless.” I teased with a playful prod at his ribs that caused him to flinch reactively and he scoffed with a subtle fondness in his eyes as he shook his head at me.

“Very funny.” He commented with his charmingly wonky smile that made my heart leap and I basked in the warmth of our banter. It was refreshing to indulge in flirtatious teasing after such intensity with Arlo and the contrast only increased my appreciation of my relationship with Bellamy. His eyes grew serious as he viewed me and I recognised a genuine worry in his posture as he cleared his throat to speak again. “You’re teaching them to fight someone bigger, especially men. Did you honestly think that I was gonna risk any man in this camp hurting you?” He detailed with just a hint of aggression in his voice as he glanced around us as if analysing for any potential threats and I chuckled at his protectiveness. It was entirely unnecessary but I was flattered by his determination to shield me from any harm; it was frustratingly romantic.

“Well, you just make sure you don’t go easy on me, alright? They need to learn and they can’t do that if my assistant is too afraid of injuring me to properly participate. Think you can do that?” I probed with a brow raised at him in suspicion and he fidgeted on the spot in a display of discomfort that he tried unsuccessfully to hide behind a forced display of confidence.

“Sure.” He answered firmly and I shook my head at him in disbelief. I could already recognise that he was reluctant at this suggestion and my mind began racing with all of the potential ways in which this could be disastrous for our relationship. I felt a panicked tug in my chest that screamed to rescind my offer and as I met his eyes, I knew that he could sense my unease. “Don’t worry Inds. I’ll do whatever you need to teach them. Now come on, we should get there early to set up.” He excused before encouraging me to follow him and I quashed the feelings of dread that he would be overly gentle with me.

We entered a space that Bellamy had clearly been using for guard training for a while and set up soft items to break the fall to the ground, amongst other methods. When people began to enter, I was stunned at the number of trainees who had turned up for me and found myself wracking my brain for ideas. I wished that we’d had the time to practice together, so that I had a course prepared for them but quickly realised that Bellamy was likely counting on my impulsivity. I was relieved when he took the lead to address the gathered crowd and instructed them to pair up to practice their usual drills so that I could observe the technique that they were currently using. 

I noticed that much of the methods that they had been taught depended on core strength and easily understood why the females of the trainee guard had expressed concern for this. Instructors that were built like Lincoln and Bellamy were clearly used to having superior strength, but for the average female in our camp such as myself, this was not something that we could rely on. I worried that if they were to come into contact with grounders, who fought viciously, or a well trained force such as the guards of Mount Weather, these manoeuvres would be insufficient. Mentally, I scanned through the memories of my own experiences in an effort to uncover specific teachable information and as mentioned by Bellamy, I focused on the fights that I’d barely scraped through with my life. The methods that I had resorted to were likely more extreme than anything that leadership would consider as a regular curriculum, but if Bellamy truly wished for me to be honest about the reason for my survival, I knew that these choices were the key. I glanced over at him, prompting him to call the class to attention and cleared my throat nervously.

I found myself glossing over the lessons of my fathers in my memory that had shaped me into the survivor that I had become, combined with the self defence books that he’d left behind that I’d studied for exercise. 

“Alright. Welcome to fighting like a scrappy lunatic 101.” I opened in a light hearted manner, earning several chuckles from the audience and a sly smile from Bellamy as he remained beside me protectively. “Some of you may not realise yet that I have zero formal training, and no ‘official’ techniques that I can teach you, but you asked for me so here I am. Mostly, I think I’ve been selected because I’m small, but somehow still alive and you are all trying to figure out how. Honestly, it’s a mystery to me too! But we’re gonna work through it together.” I announced in a jesting tone and was glad to notice that the group seemed to be relaxing into my approach to teaching. They glanced between each other with excited smiles and their positive reactions allowed some of my nerves to dissipate.

“Let’s start with what I can offer. You’ve all been trained to be guards. You’re mainly planning to be there as a deterrent inside of camp. You have guns which you expect to be able to use and so you’ve learned to fight in a certain, morally acceptable way. That’s fine and absolutely useful knowledge to have. In fact, 90% of the time that will be enough for your roles. But as those of you who have been on the ground for long enough know, there’s always that 10% of the time where Earth bites you on the ass and you have to do whatever it takes to survive. I’m here to teach you for that 10%.” I revealed as I wandered from side to side in front of my gathered audience and managed to pick out the faces of Harper, Monroe and Raven in the crowd, who all smiled widely at me with a pride that made my stomach flip. 

“I’m gonna be honest with you guys: if you’re ever in a situation where you have to use these things, you’re in trouble. The person you’re fighting against isn’t going to care that you are a young woman, smaller than them, potentially unarmed or maybe even captive. They will do anything necessary to survive and you need to be willing to do the same. If you’re not comfortable with that, there’s the door. You can leave now.” I explained in a firm, cold manner and allowed several minutes of tense silence to pass for my potential trainees to make their decision. When the group remained unchanged, I peeked over at Bellamy with a thankful smile and felt a hint of confidence bloom in my chest. It was strange to acknowledge that there were more people in camp than just Bellamy who believed in me and I became determined to be worthy of their faith. 

“Alright, let’s start with something simple. I want you all to look at us. Really assess the two of us. If we were in a life or death fight, it should be obvious that Bellamy has a powerful advantage over me. These are the kind of odds that I want you to stand a chance at overcoming.” I stated as I faced Bellamy and he chuckled at me, whilst a few of the audience scoffed in disbelief. Their doubt was unsurprising, as I understood how impossible that would seem but since I had landed on the ground, I’d proven repeatedly to be able to overcome odds that I would never have imagined. I glanced over their nervous faces with a resolute smile and decided in that moment that I would imbue some of the lessons I absorbed from my late fathers books.

“If you’re faced against an opponent that you can’t overpower, never tell yourself that’s the end. Instead, you’re going to focus on using everything that you have available to you. You’re going to fight smart, rather than strong. They will have already decided that they can beat you just from looking at you. They’ll be overconfident and they’ll expect to win out of brute force. Use that to your advantage.” I explained to the enthralled crowd, as excited whispers began to spread between them and took a deep breath to prepare myself for the next step. “Alright big boy, let’s start with an example. Come at me.” I ordered as I strolled over to the crash mats and squared my shoulders. Bellamy raised his brows at me with uncertainty, his back turned to the crowd to address me.

“What?!” He hissed as his eyes widened in shock and I felt my stomach flip with dread at his reaction. “Indie, I thought we’d be slowly demonstrating techniques, not actually sparring?” He breathed quietly, careful to keep his voice gentle enough that he would not be overheard as he neared me and I sighed in disappointment. Despite my initial reservations, I had forced myself to believe him when he promised to do whatever I needed and I couldn’t help feeling somewhat frustrated in his lack of trust in my abilities.

“The technique relies on surprise. I can’t demonstrate that properly if I tell you what to do. Now come on, you said you’d do whatever I needed.” I argued with exasperation as I crossed my arms at him and he shifted awkwardly on the spot. He glanced back at the waiting trainees and then returned his attention to me with a conflicted expression. “Bel, either you can spar with me or I’ll have to ask Lincoln, and you know that he won’t be delicate.” I muttered in a low enough volume that only he would hear and he grimaced at this threat. We both knew from our separate experiences of training with Lincoln that he was highly proficient at simulating the power of a real fight within a safe environment and we had several times left these experiences with injuries from our own overexertion.

He finally nodded in bitter agreement and reluctantly strolled over to take a position opposite me. As we waited to start, I noticed that his brows were deeply furrowed and knew that he was crucially afraid of hurting me. I hoped that once he realised that I could hold my own he would relax and steeled myself to prove that I didn’t need protection. After a few moments of hesitation, he struck forward clumsily and I bounced lightly on my feet to manoeuvre out of his path. He almost sprawled onto one of the crash pads before he managed to save himself and I continued to flow quickly out of reach of his half hearted attacks. I kicked forward with enough power to knock him without actually causing any injury and his eyes widened in surprise as the impact pushed him aside. He stepped backwards to gain some space to recover and in quick succession, I trod on his foot and then struck rapidly at his throat. He gasped and lunged forward in an attempt to grab me, but I bounced out of his reach easily again. This time he was unable to recover from the momentum of his attack and crashed into the ground in a rather ungraceful movement. I turned back to my audience, who were watching with a mixture of disbelief and admiration with a smug smile.

“Alright, let’s break down the important information from that: the bigger your opponent is, the slower they will move. In order to counter that, you should always remain light on your feet and move constantly. You can tire them out this way, whilst also remaining outside of their reach. If they are taller than you, they’ll have longer arms which means they can usually land a hit on you before you can even get close to them. Stay at a distance until you are ready to strike and as I just demonstrated, allow them to use their own momentum against them. When you do move from defensive to offensive, make good use of your legs as they are longer so you’ll have a better chance at reaching past their guard without whilst still maintaining some space for yourself. In order to maximise the power you can put into those strikes, you need to practice your kicks and strengthen those leg muscles. Find your usual sparring partner and see how those moves change your fights.” I summarised and they eagerly spread out to begin practicing these new techniques together. I wandered over to Bellamy to assist him to his feet and he viewed me with a fresh amusement.

“Well, now all of these fights make sense! You’re a sly little fox.” He commented as he pushed me playfully and I giggled at his reaction. My chest swelled with relief as I noticed that he seemed to have relaxed as I had hoped and I was proud that I’d managed to hold my own against him. Despite the fact that I knew Bellamy would never intentionally hurt me, I had to admit that he was still a formidable opponent due to both the size/strength difference and his experience as a guard.

“You didn’t really think that I was going swing for swing with all these big guys, did you?” I teased with a wink and he shook his head at me with an awestruck smile. For the first time, I considered what he had imagined to be the events of my previous fights and his disbelief finally seemed to make sense to me. “You only know a few of my tricks, don’t get too confident. I’m still gonna kick your ass.” I taunted as I crossed my arms at him confidently and a subtle snort escaped as he burst into chuckles at my small stature.

“Alright Xena, I won’t be so easy on you now.” He remarked with a smirk and I felt my stomach fizz with appreciation at the fond nickname. 

Once I’d wandered the room to observe their practice and corrected any developing mistakes, I returned to standing at the front of the space. As one of the recruits attempted to use a tackle that they had been taught in a previous session, my memory was jogged back to the self defence books that I’d studied in my cell when I became paranoid about our new classes. It seemed like a lifetime ago, sitting in the dark cell on the Ark and obsessively attempting to prepare for some unknown threat so that I could protect Octavia. I ran through the limited information that I remembered and considered which of it would be most beneficial to fill the gaps in their learning. I gathered up the group and Bellamy patiently ran through moves slowly as I explained them. Once we’d finished, I addressed them in preparation for another round of sparring. 

“So, you want to take advantage of areas of weakness. Those are the nose, eyes, throat, kneecaps, feet and, on men especially, the groin. Never underestimate the power of a good kick to the balls!” I instructed, to which Bellamy flinched nervously and several trainees laughed. “Don’t forget to use other parts of your body than just your fists. The heel of your hand can give a nasty strike, especially if you’re hitting upwards. Also, your elbows, your feet or your knees if you’re kicking. Don’t be afraid to get creative.” I listed as the trainees nodded in response and I could already recognise the confidence that developed in their posture. 

“What I want to demonstrate is how when it gets desperate, you need to get creative. Brute strength isn’t everything, use your mind to outwit them.” I announced to prepare them for the kind of scenario that I was aiming to simulate, before turning back to Bellamy with a nod. “Alright. This time, I want you to pin me down.” I ordered nervously, expecting for him to argue but instead he threw me a suggestive look that broke some of the tension of my dread. 

He swiftly tackled me to the floor and despite being prepared for it, the power that he was able to command still surprised me. I wiggled manically under his heavy hold and when I was unable to easily free myself, I resorted to forcing my knee into his side. He flinched, releasing one of my hands, which I used to jab into his armpit and loosen his grip on the hand that was still trapped. Whilst he was distracted, I barged my shoulders forward into his to shove him off me and crawled onto my hands and knees in an attempt to escape from him. Bellamy rushed after me and pulled me into a hold that although tight enough to be uncomfortable, would not actually choke me. I recognised this brace from the students and knew that it was crucial to teach them how to escape it. I made a few gripes for his face or neck, but was unable to reach him from the position that he’d contained me. 

Mentally, I imagined that this was someone who truly meant to kill me in order to force my mum instincts to take over and without thinking, I bit into his hand, earning a dramatic yowl. The moment that he released some of pressure in shock, I burst my way out of his restraint and pinned him to the ground with my hands lightly on his neck. We were interrupted by a round of applause and some cheers, which broke us apart. We helped each other to our feet and brushed ourselves off as the noise faded out.

“Did you just bite me?” Bellamy breathed in a mixture of shock and admiration as his mouth fell open. 

“Oh, I’m sorry. Was this not the right place for me to do that?” I asked suggestively and caught several giggles from nearby girls. A subtle smirk spread across his face, despite his attempt to bury it and I thoroughly enjoyed the way that his eyes studied me with a fresh excitement. Reluctantly, I tore my attention away from him and returned to facing our audience. 

“The unfortunate truth is that when it comes to life and death, there are no limits. You need to be willing to do things that you never imagined you could do to another human being. Don’t be afraid to bite, scratch, pinch, spit or even pull hair if you want to. These things may not be high impact attacks, but they’ll come in handy when you’ve got no other options and will usually shock your opponent enough to give you a chance to escape or strike properly. Once you’ve managed to catch them off guard, make the most of every moment that you earn with surprise. Now, we’re going to run through some simple tackles and holds that you can use to manipulate their strength and momentum, so you’re not dependent on your own muscles.”

***

The rest of the session passed quickly and the students left in high spirits. It was shocking to me how well the lesson had been received and I found myself pleased that I’d agreed to the unusual request. I sourced an ice pack for Bellamy and he took it from me with a disapproving smile. Although relieved that I hadn’t seriously injured him, there was something amusing about witnessing him struggling in the aftermath of fighting me and I recognised from his expression that this was a highly unexpected result for him. Movement to my side drew my focus and I turned to find an unfamiliar face studying me with an entertained admiration.

“So, you’re the infamous Indigo that I keep hearing about! You’re exactly as described, that’s a rarity.” She crooned with a wide smile and I stared back at her in uncertainty. “Oh, I’m Gina. Raven, Harper and Monty have been telling me all about you.” She explained as she held her hand out and I shook it awkwardly. “Well, I’ve managed to get a little info from this one too whenever I can get him off the topic of guard duty. You’re pretty much the only other thing he’ll talk about.” She added with a playful wink and I glanced over at Bellamy fondly. He cleared his throat and tried to avoid meeting my eyes in embarrassment.

“Yeah, he’s definitely a bit of a workaholic.” I agreed as I looked poignantly down at Bellamy who simply rolled his eyes in response. “It’s nice to meet you. I heard you’ve been getting to know some of the others. It’s comforting to know that someone’s keeping an eye on them whilst I’m gone.” I replied casually with my hands in my pockets and she smiled warmly in response. She had curly brown hair and large, honest eyes. I couldn’t place what caused it, but there was something trustworthy about her and I immediately understood how she’d been able to integrate with my little family so easily.

“Yeah, they’re all great people and it’s clear that they’ve been through a hard time. I didn’t come to Earth until the Ark, so I want to do anything I can to help now that we’re finally here.” She revealed with an earnest attitude and I was surprised by how immediately open she was. It was clear that she had a strong work ethic and I was impressed by her willingness to contribute. She glanced between Bellamy and I, seeming to suddenly realise that she was interrupting and shuffled awkwardly on the spot. “Anyway, I’ll let you be. You’ve had a busy day. Hit me up if you want to hang out, it would be nice to spend some time together.” She suggested with a friendly smile before wandering off and I glanced over at Bellamy with confusion.

“You get used to her. She’s a nice girl and she wants to help. We could do with more like that.” He commented, before getting to his feet with a groan and I chuckled under my breath at him. “Jeez Indie, when you said you were gonna kick my ass I didn’t think you actually meant it.” He breathed in a dramatic manner, causing me to snort in laughter.

***

After a comforting night snuggled up with Bellamy, I felt recharged enough to manage some check-ins on people and wandered into the courtyard. I was in the process of navigating to Jasper and Monty’s dorms when Councillor Kane blocked my path. 

“Indigo, I was hoping to catch you before you left camp. Could we talk?” He asked with an overly friendly smile fixed in place and I shuffled on the spot with uncertainty. Until this point, I’d really only seen him from afar and had made a significant effort to keep it that way. I was surprised to even find that he knew my name and realised that I couldn’t have remained as far under the radar as I believed I had.

“Umm, sure? What can I do for you Councillor?” I enquired with my brows furrowed together in confusion and he put a hand on my upper arm to lead me aside. Immediately, I was uncomfortable with the contact and shrugged him off with more aggression than intended.

“Let’s go somewhere more private.” He remarked as he led me inside and I felt nerves building in my chest as I followed behind him. Despite Bellamy’s frequent comments about his trustworthiness, I couldn’t help feeling as if I were in trouble and a voice at the back of my mind urged me to turn tail and run. As his boots echoed through the halls of the Ark, I was struck with a strange sense of deja vu from the day of my arrest, causing a wave of nausea to wash over me.

When we arrived at a small doorway, Kane stepped aside and gestured for me to enter first. I examined him suspiciously before I passed and the moment that I stepped inside I found Abby waiting with her usual serene smile. Her presence was immediately reassuring and I felt my shoulders drop their tension. We waited silently for Kane to join us, closing the door tightly behind him and then settling into a seat beside the familiar Chancellor in a carefree manner. Abby cleared her throat to draw my cautious gaze away from my detailed assessment of Kane as I tried to anticipate his intentions and as our eyes met, she smiled fondly.

“I’m sorry for the secrecy, Indigo. We wanted to be sure that this meeting was private and as unbiased as possible for you. As I’m sure you can imagine, we have a great deal to manage in setting up a sustainable community here. That’s what we’ve brought you here to discuss.” She addressed me with a calmness that demonstrated how well she had grown into her new role and I glanced between them with a baffled expression.

“With all due respect Chancellor, I’m not sure how that involves me?” I suggested with my best attempt at a well mannered tone and Abby’s smile grew into an amused grin. She peered over at Kane, who regarded me with a curious interest and seemed pleased to be given the opportunity to lead the conversation.

“We would like to establish a stronger alliance with the grounders. The ceasefire has been a blessing, but we need to negotiate trade and open communication with the Commander. For the time being, the most correspondence that we receive from her is permission to leave Arkadia for supplies or patrols.” He revealed with an evenness to his voice that almost made his suggestion sound reasonable, but I couldn’t contain a disbelieving scoff as I stared back at him. “That’s where you would be involved. I understand that you have been training with a grounder and integrating with their lifestyle. We’d like to utilise your experience to help us to plan our strategies and to approach the Commander. In order for us to properly receive your input, we would like you to join our council meetings.” Kane divulged and I felt my mouth fall open in shock. I gaped at the two of them for a few moments as if awaiting a punchline, but when neither of them spoke I found myself stuttering for words.

“W-what? Are you insane? I-you-what?!” I spat as I continued to gape at them and they simply calmly smiled back, only further fuelling my exasperation. “I know that negotiating the ceasefire was a hell of an achievement, but this is a completely different level of cohesion that you’re aiming for here. We’ve managed to earn the respect of one or two grounders for a couple of our people, but even they still view us as a whole as dangerous, clueless children compared to them. Our partnerships with Indra and Arlo were hard fought. We couldn’t do anything on a large enough scale to impress them all. It would never work. We would need individuals to be willing to change, to work with grounders, study with them, respect them and honestly I don’t think there are many people here with the grit to do that.” I stated in a frustrated rant as I reflected over my own initiation and the gruelling tasks that I’d undertaken since. There were very few people that I could imagine being willing to endure that kind of process and even fewer grounders that would offer the opportunity. I shook my head at the thought and Kane observed me with an unexpected understanding in his eyes.

“Indigo, I know that a lot changed whilst you were captive in Mount Weather. When you were taken, you and the rest of the 100 were at war with the grounders and you emerged to find that we allied to free you. It must be disorientating.” He commented and I rolled my eyes at him, feeling patronised. “Whilst you were there, the grounders came to Arkadia for a joint training session under the Commanders orders. It was chaotic, but it demonstrated to me that we could help one another and that the Commander was open to this possibility too. An alliance could be mutually beneficial. We just need your help to convince them of that.” He presented his case calmly, even in the face of my reactions as I began to pace in front of the two of them and only stopped to fix them both with a scrutinising look.

“Why me?” I asked in an accusing manner and they looked to each other awkwardly. “Octavia has been partnered with Indra for far longer. She has a close link to the Commander and she was here during this training session that you were so confident in. Surely she’s a better match? Or hell, Lincoln?! He’s been a grounder his entire life. Octavia and I pale in comparison and he has been an advocate for peace in the past. I can’t think why in the hell you would bring this to me?” I probed with annoyance growing in my voice as I listed points and Kane seemed to pass the responsibility of answering this question to Abby.

“We already asked Octavia. She was quite clear on her thoughts of who ‘her people’ were.” She answered quietly and a coy smile spread across my lips at this information. “And Lincoln still has a kill order on his head. Although he would be, and had been, useful for advice, he would not be able to participate in any meetings with the grounders.” She clarified as if this were an obvious disadvantage and I scoffed loudly at the incredulous implication.

“Meetings with the grounders? You want to send me out to discuss an alliance with people?!” I exclaimed, hardly able to believe what I was hearing and I noticed out of the corner of my eye that Kane seemed to be highly amused by my behaviour, rather than frustrated as I would have expected. “Have you completely lost your mind, Abby?” I argued, whilst she squirmed awkwardly in her seat under the intensity of my gaze.

“Take some time to consider it, Indigo. You don’t need to make a decision right now. Our next meeting is tomorrow.” Kane interrupted and I turned to face him with a stern scowl. “I remember your case and imprisonment. It was a tough one to follow the law on. You had a hard life on the Ark. You could be more here, just give yourself the opportunity.” He appealed in a manner that was likely intended to be understanding and I felt a passionate rage boiling to the surface as my hands tightened into fists at my sides.

“You don’t know shit!” I snapped, before quickly reminding myself that I couldn’t allow my anger to control me any longer. I took a few deep breaths to steady myself, then fixed Kane with a glare that would destroy a lesser man with it’s pressure alone. “I don’t need time to consider it. The answer is no. You can find someone else to be your scapegoat with the grounders.” I growled as I sharply turned on my heel and swept from the room.

[heauxplesslydevoted]

Unexpected

Pairing: Liam x MC (Kendall Mason)

Summary: The Walker/Beaumont wedding doesn’t go as planned.

I’m tired of my faves being held hostage on that God forsaken ranch like they’re trapped in the AHS Murder House, so I wrote this.

Word Count: 2.8K+

The day of the Walker-Beaumont wedding is a very busy one. And no one has been busier than Queen Kendall herself. She’s been up since 5AM, helping the planners get everything together, making sure Savannah was calm and collected, keeping Leona and Barthelemy from killing each other, the works.

The effects of the day are starting to wear on her. Kendall has been up for almost 8 hours straights, running solely on coffee and sheer determination. Yes, she feels exhausted. Sure the coffee is making her dizzy and if she drinks any more, she might pass out, but she can power through, at least until the ceremony is over.

“You need to eat something,” Madeleine says, catching Kendall in a rare moment alone. “Like, at least a bowl of cereal.”

Kendall shakes her head at the idea. “I’m already dressed. I’m not running the risk of getting milk on my dress minutes before the ceremony.”

Madeleine sighs. “You’re on the verge of crashing. At least eat a piece of fruit. Or a granola bar.”

Kendall doesn’t respond to Madeleine. Instead she walks to the kitchen and plucks an apple out of the large fruit bowl sitting on the kitchen counter. She takes a large bite. “Happy now?”

“Ecstatic,” Madeleine replies dryly. “God, must you always be so petulant and stubborn?”

“Madeleine, I really don’t have time to listen to you today, especially since you weren’t even invited on this trip, you just weaseled your way in,” Kendall snaps in a rare outburst. “So why don’t you go find your seat? The ceremony starts in a few minutes.”

Madeleine looks taken aback by the harshness in Kendall’s time, but she doesn’t argue with her. She knows that’ll only end in disaster. She just turns on her heel and walks off, mumbling under her breath.

With the blonde woman gone, Kendall breathes a sigh of relief. The last thing she needs is her breathing down her neck all day 

She quietly munches on her apple, ignoring the fact that she really doesn’t want to eat it and her stomach is doing somersaults at the taste. Has she gotten used to only eating Cordonian Rubies? Are they the pinnacle of apples? 

“Kendall!” Kendall snaps out of her thoughts and sees Hana. “Come on, the ceremony is about to start!”

Five minutes later, the ladies were in the Walkers’ spacious backyard. A gorgeous archway covered in various flowers is set up under a pair of trees, and Bertrand was standing at the altar, a smiling Maxwell next to him. Liam’s standing in the center of the archway, as he is the officiant.

Kendall’s heart beats double time at the sight of her husband. He looks extra handsome in his royal regalia and she tries to keep her more impure thoughts at bay. A wave of lightheadedness hits, much stronger than the last one, but she manages to brush it off and continues walking. Thankfully no one notices.

Liam smiles back at her as she reaches the end of the aisle. “You look absolutely beautiful.”

“Thank you. This was a rush job, so my hair and makeup aren’t the best.”

“Could’ve fooled me. You’re still the most stunning woman here.”

“I married the most charming man on earth,” Kendall muses. “How did I get so lucky?”

“I’m the lucky one in this scenario.”

“Hey, your wedding is over!” Olivia hisses with an eye roll. “Save the lovey dovey shit for the current bride and groom.”

Before Kendall can respond, the wedding march starts. Everyone stands up and turns around, spotting Bartie toddling down the aisle, in front of Savannah’s who’s being escorted by Drake. 

They make it halfway down the aisle before Kendall realizes if she doesn’t sit down somewhere and soon, she’s going to be extremely sick. Her heart rate—which she originally chalked up to being a young newlywed excited to see her husband—has yet to return to normal, and the ground underneath her feet is unsteady. Before she can even attempt to excuse herself, she drops onto the ground with a hard thud and everything around her goes black.

~~/~~

When Kendall finally comes to, she’s no longer in the Walker’s backyard, but what looks like a hospital room. It’s not too bright, as the lights have been dimmed, but there is a loud and persistent beeping noise that won’t go away.

“Where am I?” She asks, and god does she instantly regret it. Her throat is so dry, and talking only makes it sore.

Liam, who’s been sitting at her bedside, perks up at her voice. “Kendall? Thank heavens, you’re awake!” He reaches across her bed and presses the small red button, alerting her doctor to come to her room.

“I need water,” she manages to croak out.

“Of course.” Liam grabs the cup of ice water on Kendall’s small bedside table and raises the straw to her lips. She greedily gulps down the water, unaware of how thirsty she truly is. 

“Thank you.”

Liam puts the cup down and runs a hand across Kendall’s cheek. He kisses her forehead. “You gave me quite a fright.”

“What happened? Am I in the hospital?”

“Yes. You collapsed at Bertrand and Savannah’s wedding.”

“What? Oh god, how embarrassing.”

“What’s embarrassing about it?”

“Collapsing in itself is embarrassing, and I’m sure everyone was gawking at me. And I ruined their wedding. They can’t even continue on without us because you’re the officiant and I’m the maid of honor.”

Liam dismisses the concern with a hand wave. “Nonsense. Bertrand and Savannah will survive. They know they can always find another officiant or they’ll have to wait. You come first.”

Kendall tries to sit up, but she’s exhausted and moving is too much effort. “Did the doctor at least say why I passed out?”

“When we first brought you in, she told me that your blood pressure was low. They drew blood, but those results haven’t come in yet.”

“Don’t tell Madeleine, but she was right, I should’ve eaten something.”

“Yes, you should’ve,” Liam agrees.

“Does the press know I’m here?”

“No. You weren’t wheeled in through the emergency room so no one really saw, and you were checked in under an alias. Any unsuspecting nurses and orderlies think someone named Isabel Martin is occupying this room. Plus, this is a private suite, only your nurse and doctor have access.”

“Okay.” That lessens some of the embarrassment. The last thing she needs is to be plastered on newspapers and on CNN, looking weak on a world stage.

There’s a small knock on the door and in walks a doctor. She smiles nervously upon seeing Kendall. “Hello!”

“Hi, doctor.”

“This is my first time meeting actual royalty. Do I address you as Your Highness? Your Grace? Queen Kendall? Your Majesty?” The doctor drops into an awkward bow. “Do I courtesy to you?”

Kendall shakes her head. “We’re on your turf, and calling me Kendall is just fine.”

“Very well. Hello Kendall, I’m your doctor, Dr. Washington. I’m an attending ER physician here at the hospital.”

“Nice to meet you. Will I be okay?”

“There are a few things I want to go over with you, point by point.” The doctor turns to look at Liam before turning back to Kendall. “With all due respect, is it okay if your husband stays?”

“Of course it is! You may speak freely in front of him.”

“We just have to make sure.” Dr. Washington logs into a computer and pulls up Kendall’s chart. “Your blood pressure was low, that’s probably why you fainted. We gave you some fluids to get you re-hydrated, so you should feel better soon. You need to be very conscious of how much water you drink, especially in a place like this, where it gets very hot. Your blood sugar was also low, so just make sure you’re eating enough throughout the day. I’m sure your schedule can be hectic, but you have to carve out time to eat, with some light snacking between meals.”

Kendall nods, taking in the information. “Will do.”

“And there’s one more thing I think you should be aware of: you’re pregnant.”

If Kendall wasn’t already in bed, she’s almost positive she would have collapsed again. Pregnant? She was actually pregnant? “What? How?”

“I think you guys know how.”

“But I took a test last week and it was negative.”

“Well you’re only about 6 weeks along, so you probably took the EPT too early. We did a blood test, and we can detect levels of hCG that are too low to be found in urine.”

Kendall feels Liam squeezing her hand tightly, but it barely registers. She suddenly remembers the alcohol she indulged in last week.

“Since I thought the test was negative, I haven’t been the most careful person. I had a glass of champagne at my friend’s bachelorette party, and I drank a lot of caffeine.” A tear rolls down her cheek. She’s already a horrible mother and her child isn’t even a fetus yet. “Will the baby be okay?”

Dr. Washington briefly glances at one of the monitors attached to Kendall, and she reaches out to touch the queen’s arm. “First things first, I need you to stay calm. You're not the first mom to be who drank before finding out she was pregnant, and you won’t be the last. Now that you know you’re pregnant, I say stop drinking alcohol immediately, and limit caffeine to one cup of coffee per day. But it’s still so early in the pregnancy, I don’t think one glass of champagne and some coffee will have an effect on the baby’s development.”

“Calm?” Kendall chuckles humorlessly. “My entire country’s future rests on my reproductive organs.”

“That may be the case, but none of that matters if you don’t have a successful pregnancy and delivery, and staying as stress free as possible is key. That’s the goal right?”

“Of course.”

“Don’t worry, Doctor, I’ll make sure she takes it easy,” Liam assures.

“Now Kendall, I think you’ll be okay, so I’m prescribing you some R&R. Pregnancy can make your blood sugar and blood pressure drop, because the baby is taking all of your nutrients and making your body work overtime. So I am forcing you to take it easy. Make sure you get something to eat, keep your feet elevated, drink plenty of water, and have your husband wait on you hand and foot for a few days.”

Liam smiles. “I don’t need to be told to do that.”

“And last but not least, congratulations! If you want, I can page one of our attending obstetricians to come down. It’s too early for an ultrasound, but they can go over more things with you if you have any questions.”

Kendall looks at Liam who’s just as eager as she is. She turns back to the doctor with a nod. “Yes. We’d like that very much.”

~~/~~

“Are you guys sure you can’t come back to the ranch tonight?”

Liam can hear the disappointment in Bertrand’s voice. “Yes. Kendall is exhausted, and I think there’s too much going on at the ranch, and her doctor said she needs some quiet and relaxation. If she’s there, she won’t relax.”

“That’s true. What was wrong with her?”

“She just pushed herself too hard. Lack of sleep, stress, the works,” Liam replies, not giving away any detail. “I’m sorry that I wasn’t there to officiate for you.”

“Don’t apologize, your wife is your priority. Thankfully Bianca’s minister was in attendance and he gladly married us.”

“Congratulations. I hope married life treats you well.”

“I do too. Will we see you guys tomorrow? Bianca is throwing us another get together, a goodbye party of sorts.”

“Yes, we’ll be back tomorrow,” Liam assures Bertrand. “Enjoy your reception tonight.”

“Will do. Take care of Kendall.”

“Absolutely.” Liam hangs up.

While Kendall was still in the hospital, Liam asked Hana to pack them a small overnight bag and bring it to the hospital. Liam decided that Kendall had a bit too much ranch living and thought it would be best if he got a hotel room for the night. That way, there would be no distractions, no noise, and no people bothering them.

He decided on the Ritz Carlton, and when the manager of the hotel realized that a king and their American queen would be staying with them, he gave them the entire top floor to themselves, for maximum privacy.

Liam walks back into their bedroom and finds Kendall sprawled out on the bed, wrapped up in a large white bathrobe. He gets into the bed with her. “How are you feeling?”

“Tired,” she answers honestly. “Like I can sleep for a year.”

“It’s been a long day, you deserve some rest.”

“I still feel bad about missing the wedding though.”

Liam sighs softly. He truly married the best person in the world. She was always looking out for others, even at the expense of herself. She deserve a night to be selfish.

“We can make it up to them tomorrow. They’re having another party before we all leave. And we’ll get them a very nice gift.”

“An amazing gift.”

“An amazing gift,” Liam repeats with a smile. “It’s been such a crazy day, I don’t even think we’ve had time to properly celebrate the good news. You’re pregnant!” 

The words sound like music to Kendall’s ears. “When I took the test and it came back negative, I lost a bit of hope. I thought we’d be a couple who went through years of trying before it finally happened.”

“But we didn’t.” Liam gently tugs on the belt keeping Kendall’s robe secure, letting it fall open. He places a warm palm on her stomach, stroking the skin with affection. They actually had a baby in there. He was going to be a dad. “I am married to the love of my life, the most amazing woman I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing, and you’re giving me a beautiful baby. You’ve made me the happiest man alive, Kendall. You’ve made all of my wildest dreams come true. And I hope we have a girl who looks exactly like you.”

“And she’ll have an accent like you, and speak fluent Greek and Italian.”

“Or maybe she’ll take after you and talk in a New York accent.”

Kendall rolls her eyes. “I don’t have an accent.”

“You do, and I think it’s adorable,” Liam argues.

“Well whatever we have, boy or girl, they’ll be the most loved baby in the world. Hana and Bertrand will fret with them over etiquette, Maxwell will teach them how to dance.”

“Olivia will probably teach them how to conceal weapons on their person.”

“After they turn 18.”

“Of course.”

Kendall reaches out and strokes Liam’s cheek. “Can I make one request?”

Liam catches Kendall’s wrist and kisses it gently. “You can make as many requests as you want, my queen.”

“I don’t want to tell anyone yet, at least until I’m out of the first trimester. And even when we tell people, it’s only our immediate circle. Let's not make an official, public announcement until we absolutely have to. I know we’re the king and queen, and we owe it to our people to keep them abreast on our lives, but I still want us to be a normal newlywed couple. I just want to enjoy this as much as I can, as much as we can.”

“I think it’s a wonderful idea,” Liam says after a moment. “Though part of me would love to shout our good news from the highest mountain top, I also want to privately revel in this, with you.”

“Thank you.”

“Of course.”

Liam shifts his body and places a kiss on Kendall’s stomach. “Hello there, little one! I don’t know if you have ears yet, but I am going to talk to you anyway. I love so much already, and I’m incredibly honored to be your dad. I can’t wait to watch you grow up and explore. I can’t wait to show you all of the things my father never showed me. You and your mother are the most important things in my life, and I look forward to telling you that every single day.”

A tears slips down Kendall’s cheek and she tries to wipe it away before Liam notices. It doesn’t work. “Why are you crying?”

“I don’t know. Because I have an amazing, wonderful, beautiful husband whom I love. Because I’m having a baby with him, which is all I wanted to do. Because I’m just so ridiculously, deliriously happy in this moment.” Kendall sees Liam’s own eyes are glistening, unshed tears threatening to spill. “Why are you crying?”

Liam smiles, a smile so wide and bright, Kendall is afraid he might split his face in half. “I’m happy too. Actually, happy doesn’t even begin to describe it. I’m euphoric. It almost doesn’t seem real.”

“Well it’s real.”

Liam drops another kiss onto Kendall’s stomach. She can already tell he’s going to do this all day, every day. And honestly, she can’t wait.

“We should order room service,” Liam murmurs against her skin. “Are you hungry?”

“Starving.”

“Let’s order some food, and whatever looks best on the dessert menu. And then we can order a movie.”

“On one condition.”

“Whatever you want.”

“You have to put on the other fluffy robe.”

“Deal.”

[canyouhearthelight]

The Miys, ch. 37

I was running late to work this morning, so I didn't have time to queue this chapter. Instead of uploading it super late in the day (7pm EDT), I made a judgement call to pull the copy that I emailed my lovely sister @parisconstantine to proof - which she approved - but that means there is no break.

08/10/2020 Edit: Added a break! and links.

Once Conor had sufficiently transformed me into a fuzzy purple burrito, I glanced around my quarters with a weak smile.  Sure enough, Antoine and my sister put a fierce limit on my welcome-back ‘party’. I saw only them, Conor, Sam, and Derek. Knowing that Simon and Noah were likely watching and listening remotely, it was the perfect amount of people for me to handle at the moment.

Antoine returned my smile gently as he handed me a server of tea. “No caffeine and no alcohol until you finish your medications,” he explained somewhat apologetically. His shrug suddenly turned into a wince as he backed away, one hand flying to his temple with a hiss.  After taking a step forward, he shook his head energetically and blinked a few times. “I need to calibrate this more,” he muttered.

Tyche tsked at him. “That’s what you get for deciding to be your own guinea pig,” she replied airily before tilting her head toward me. “He’s working on a project to help the autistic population on the ship.  It’s… in the experimental stages. He should explain, though.”

“It’s going to be marv,” Conor gushed quietly.

I glanced at Antoine. “So, what’s the project?  I’m all ears.”

He chuckled somewhat ruefully. “It actually will fall partially under your purview if I am able to work out the – bugs?” When I nodded, he continued. “During the sabotage attempt on the ship, Conor and I were needed to retrieve Derek and escort him to Level One.  There was simply no other way for him to arrive without being overwhelmed by so many people in close proximity. Since then, it occurred to me: What if there was a way for Derek to travel around the ship, even during such times that the corridors are crowded, without need for an escort?  It would give him much more autonomy than he has had in the past.”

“The idea came from your Council pendant, partially – when we headed to Level One, your pendant gave off a low tone, in theory a proximity alert to let everyone know to let you through.  However, it did not work, and we now know that was due to not everyone being able to hear it in all the panic, yes? We do have a way to hear things over exterior noises, though.” He tapped his temple. “The translators.  Even in the loudest room on the ship, for example, you would still be able to perfectly hear the translation of Derek’s sign language provided you were looking at him.”  I nodded, but was honestly still confused.

“The ultimate goal of the project is to combine the technology we already have, and give Derek – and all autistics on the ship – the ability to interact on their own terms,” Antoine explained, crouching down. “Using the datasets and our translators, the first aim is audio and visual dampening.  No more too-loud noises, no more unpleasant lights or colors. They will be able to adjust both the audio input from the translators and hopefully visual input, right from their dataset. Secondly, proximity alerts – but mostly not for them. Instead, anyone who approaches too closely will receive an alert to their dataset first, and then a loud alarm transmitted directly to their translator.” He tapped his temple again.  “I thought it was only fair that I be the test subject for the alarm, and I’m working on calibrating it. When I backed away from you after delivering your tea, I backed too closely to Sam, who agreed to be my co-tester.”

“That’s brilliant,” I breathed, wide-eyed. “But you said the proximity alerts are ‘mostly’ not for Sam.  So he still receives some of it?”

Antoine looked over his shoulder at Sam, who was in the process of a beautiful and intricate piece of knotwork. “Sam?  When do you receive an alert?”

“If I’m not paying attention and I’m about to walk into someone.  It’s just a chime, though,” he answered nonchalantly, not looking up from what he was doing.

“So really, it’s only to keep you from accidentally touching someone if you don’t want to?” I asked.

“Yep. Works good.  I didn’t walk into anyone today.”

“And the software can tell the difference?”

The question was directed at Antoine, but Derek was the one who answered. <Locational sensors in the corridors tell us who is the one moving and causing the proximity.>

“So, the people who need the software the most are not being punished?”

<Of course not, Wisdom.  I don’t want a screech in my head because someone almost bumped into me.>

“I just wanted to make sure,” I chuckled, letting the silly nickname go unremarked. “Antoine, really.  This is brilliant. And it’s going to help a lot of people, not just those on the spectrum.  There are a lot of people on the ship who have PTSD-related touch issues. Or just flat out inherent aversions.”

He nodded. “Correct.  Grey was able to corroborate in their data that the autistic-spectrum population on the ship has the most stringent requirements and need, however, so that is where the focus is. If I can calibrate it to work for them, everything else is just a matter of adjustment.”

“Okay, okay,” Tyche shifted next to me and gathered our attention. “As proud as I am of this project, especially how far it has come in such a short time, there are a few other things we need to talk about if you’re good with it, Soph?”

“Depends on what it is,” I hesitated.

“Timeline for getting you back to work,” she clarified. “It’s going to be a slow hand-off, and don’t even think of trying to take on more than you’re ready for or I will sedate you myself.”  She arched an eyebrow at me and I just held my hands up in defeat. “Your primary focus is going to selecting a new assistant. I’ve been helping Simon, but there is only so much I can do to help and still be able to manage staffing.  Right now, each of the department heads is handling as much of that as they can, but they still need me for day-to-day questions like who is currently available.”

I groaned. “Can’t you just find one for me?”

“No, I can’t. I don’t have time, like I said. Simon refuses to, because he is the one who originally hired Arantxa.”

“If I have to select them myself, I want a list vetted by Xiomara and Derek.” I glanced over. “Derek, is that okay with you? Dig up all the dirt you can on every single person Xiomara okays?”

<All the dirt?>

“I want to know if they don’t bathe regularly, do they kick pets, did they not thank a vendor, everything.”

<I can do that> he confirmed with a pretty vicious amount of glee.

“Good,” I nodded, turning back to my sister. “I’m not leaving anything to chance. I know none of us want to admit it, but Arantxa had one thing dead to rights – I am entirely too trusting.  Derek and Xiomara? Not so much. I’ll make the final call, but I’m going into this with eyes wide open. No more surprises. Hell, I don’t care if I even like the person.  If they can do the job and I can trust them, I can make it work.”

“Sophie, come on – “

“No, Conor.  I almost died, and the entire Ark almost paid the price for mine and Simon’s poor judgement. This may be an extreme reaction, looking at it from the outside, but the people on this ship need to know that I’m not making the same mistakes again.”

“But they just watched you stand in the Council Chamber and talk about the best of humanity.  Now, you’re going to move forward with suspicion?” This time, it was my sister.

“I also, quite clearly, said that one of our best traits is that we learn from our mistakes. I can believe in the best of people without being stupid about it, and they need to see that.  It doesn’t just mean trusting blindly – it can also mean seeing something in a person no one likes, or who everyone underestimates, or who no one thought could do the job. We also persevere, which is exactly what I’m going to do,” I finished quietly.

As Conor squeezed my shoulder, Tyche nodded in reluctant acceptance. “Okay, in that case, we need to make a list of what you are looking for in a new assistant. And you can’t put 'not a Baconist' on that list, because it pretty much guarantees everyone who applies will secretly be one, no matter what Miys says.” She shot me a look. “So, seriously.  You need to have criteria to weed out who we even pass on to Xio and Derek.”

I hummed in thought, leaning my head back against Conor’s arm.  “Well, there’s the obvious stuff – organized, at least somewhat familiar with who handles what on the Ark, moderate computer skills.  They can’t be shy, either. In fact, I would prefer someone stubborn: I have a hard-enough time saying ‘no’ to people, so I need someone who can put their foot down both on my behalf and to me. Willingness to learn is also non-negotiable.”

My sister nodded, transcribing all this to her datapad and flicking a copy over to Antoine and Derek. “Okay, and what are the absolute deal-breakers?”

“Mindless conformity, in any direction,” I responded immediately.  “I’ve known too many people who were so counter-culture that they though they were open-minded, but they were just narrow-minded in the opposite direction. At the same time, discrimination is absolutely not to be tolerated – there are only so many of us left, and we need to get the fuck along.  Don’t get me wrong, if they disagree with me, that’s fine, but they have to be able to listen and consider other viewpoints.  What I’m talking about is people who make judgement calls based on things that people can’t help or change, and refuse to listen to any opinion counter to their own.”

“Like Xiomara,” Tyche ventured hesitantly.

I shook my head vigorously. “Xio has her faults, but even when she realizes she doesn’t understand, she relents and goes with the flow.  She at least leaves herself open to the possibility of understanding later. Something like that wouldn’t be a complete no-go. But the situation with Maverick and eating? If the person is the type who would flat out ignore my request, they can’t be my administrator.  I have to fight enough uphill battles with the Council, I cannot waste time fighting with my administrator.”  I took a deep breath. “Beyond that, hero-worshipers, victim-blamers, and victim-worshipers are right out.”

“Victim-worshipers?” Conor asked in confusion. “What are those?”

Before Tyche or I could answer, Antoine let out a loud groan. “Sometimes they are the worst types of people, my friend. You know what victim-blaming is, correct?” Conor nodded, leaning forward out of curiosity. Antoine continued, “Victim-worshipers are the complete opposite. They create this idealized, innocent, unrealistic ideal of a person who has been a victim of actions taken against them.  Using Sophia as an example, these people would construct their entire idea of Sophia around her being a victim first, even before being human, or female, much less her being competent at her job.  Instead, she is A Victim, and everything else about her supports her ‘victimness’. She isn’t a person to them anymore.”

Tyche nodded in agreement and continued where her partner had left off. “Depending on the person they are attaching themselves to, yeah – victim worshipers can sometimes be worse than victim blamers. At least the people who blame a victim grant the person a sense of agency, acknowledging that they are a person who can make decisions.  They’re still scum, don’t get me wrong, but they wouldn’t take away the fact that Sophia is a person, who is capable of decisions. Victim blamers try to eliminate their own ability to decide and put that burden on the person who was attacked – victim worshippers don’t even let us decide what we wear each day.”

Conor started snapping his fingers, looking around as he grasped at something. “The whore-thing… about women… what is it? I’ve heard about this. Dammit, what is it….”

Derek clapped to get our attention before explaining. <Madonna-Whore complex> he supplied helpfully.

“YES!” Conor shouted, pointing at him. “Thank you, Derek. That!  So ‘blamers’ are on the ‘whore’ end, and ‘worshipers’ are on the ‘Madonna’ end, and the focus of their judgement can’t win, right?”

Tyche, Antoine, and I gaped at Conor in astonishment. Slowly, Antoine began to nod. “Yes.  That’s what we were trying to explain…”

“Dumb lug my ass,” Tyche muttered, glancing at me.

Conor just squeezed my shoulder again, showing he wasn’t offended. “In that case, I completely agree. Sophie isn’t a hero, or a victim, she’s just… Sophie.  She shouldn’t have to work with someone who can’t understand or appreciate that there are much more important things about her than what happened on Level One.”

“Like what?” I asked, teasing.

“Like the fact that, if you recover properly, you can cook like a fiend again, which I am looking forward to.” His stomach grumbled to punctuate the comment, instantly breaking any tension in the room.

This is exactly the housewarming I needed, I mused as I giggled at Conor’s never-ending hunger.

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[ladymusic600]

ET

My mom didn’t make a lot of money and my father left before i was born, I was already dealing with the shame of receiving free school lunches and the looks associated with that. Some of my school friends laughed and poked fun. They chuckled and I even joked about it with them. But for me, on the inside, it wasn’t funny at all. I know how tough it can be to use a soup spoon or button a shirt. I struggle with these seemingly easy, day-to-day tasks too. But I think it shows your true character to keep soldiering on and finding a way, day after day, to keep rising above the challenges. This is a nerve disorder causing uncontrollable shaking usually to the top half of the body. The tremors can make easy and everyday tasks so much more difficult. These tremors can make something as easy as feeding yourself, dressing yourself a challenge. A person with these tremors can have difficulty using a spoon or picking up a glass without spilling what is inside. This is something i have had sense birth. It truly does affect my entire body: my arms, hands, legs(which make me fall and trip), lips, stomach. It even affects my voice, which I find very stressful as it often sounds like I am about to cry when I am in a nervous situation- so phone calls would, naturally, be another source of anxiety for me as I was always worried the person on the other end of the phone would think I was upset. There are many factors that exasperate and intensify my tremor which include: anxiety, being hungry, being too tired, being too cold, being too hot, adrenaline, caffeine and the worst of all: being hungover. There is another huge point to cover here- alcohol completely gets rid of the tremor and when I say it completely gets rid of it, I mean it becomes non-existent, doctors say its ok to have a little but come on? wouldn't you drink like a fish out of water if it made you normal. Therefore throughout my teens I would often drink to self-medicate and relieve the stress that the tremor would put on me. Alcohol would also allow me to do everyday things that I couldn’t do with the tremor (for instance: walking down steps(i need to hold on someone or something), taking a drink, eating soup, writing, the list goes on and on.) I remember enjoying the feeling the alcohol gave me as it made me feel like a ‘normal’ person and I couldn’t believe that people were actually living their lives with this feeling of normality and I was extremely jealous of that. Imagine that, the one cure to your condition, is something that can actually kill you (or is extremely dangerous). But this was a really big problem for me and I was in denial for years that I had become dependent on drinking to calm my tremor and my anxiety. I had normalized using alcohol to self-medicate and kept it a secret for years. I decided to have a drink to calm myself down and stop my legs from shaking, when going out to meet new friends. Of course as one does when socializing this led to another drink and then another. The next morning and I realize my tremor is so bad that I can barely even stand up. So, I went through my options and decided the only real way I could even get out of bed was to have another drink… so I did. This cycle continued drinking, waking up with a hangover, not being able to stand/walk and then drinking again to be able to continue with daily life. The thing is my friends and family would have to carry me days after...So naturally i stopped drinking all together. People don't understand that one day you can be happy and notice its not as bad as you remember but then....there are those days where I have trouble holding things, i drop things on my feet, i fall over a ghost foot, needing help down stairs, i cut my hand, burn myself, can't dress myself, sound like im having a mental break down...i could go on and on how bad it gets....But Imagine waking up one day and trying to drink a cup of hot coffee without burning yourself. Just imagine when you have your good days and bad days, meaning good days being where you can do stuff without even remembering you have this shaking problem. To bad days literally where the moment you get up you know its going to be a long day of wanting to scream cry and throw everything in frustration because you can’t feed yourself or dress yourself, that you are kinda like a new born again, that you just want to go back to sleep and wake up the next day. But the next day might be the same or better you never know. And you know whats sad about this is im a small person and between 100-106 pounds and short and cops always stop me and ask for my id because they think im on drugs….i only met one cop and that day sadly was at night i was working on a children’s haunted train ride and we were both zombies. Not once did he every think that i was on drugs and it was like 60ish degrees out side and that was cold to me so i was shaking like crazy. I came to realize when i got home he just thought i was cold…then i got into my own head and started getting depressed. The thought of people feeling sorry for me, thinking of me as ‘helpless’, or weak was just awful heartbreaking and was one of the reasons why I kept it a secret for so long. I know if i every have a kid in the future that they will have this as well and that makes me cry thinking about them going through this as well. Im going put a innocent child in this world to get bullied like i did and not be able to do things on there own... Im still to scared to tell people about it, it's embarrassing. Eventually it will get worse which makes me sad but even then as far as neurological disorders go, it’s not as bad as it could be and for that I’m grateful. Like When im paying for stuff god i feel horrible because im shaking and nervous which makes it worse and im left feeling guilty and apologizing to everyone every time. Sometimes it makes me want to scream, fall to my knees and cry because i feel like im just slowing people down or they get embarrassed by me. I have difficulty cooking and have burned and cut myself multiple times, I can’t drive when my tremors are bad because Im scared…I’m at the point now where I avoid eating and drinking in public even if im out all day i still won’t. I’m socially awkward all the time even when im not shaking im just shy and weird haha. See The dating scene can be a bit tricky, especially with people who aren’t really used to seeing you, or anyone else, with tremors. I NEVER been on a date in my life and im kind of scared to go on one because i have to wear wrist and forearm weights. Essential Tremors is a progressive neurological condition that causes a shaking within the hands, head, voice or legs and in some cases an internal shaking is reported. Essential Tremors are most normally confused with Parkinson’s but is more common and while Parkinson’s lessens with more movement, ET worsens with movement, anxiety, stress and strain. Unlike Parkinson's, which is a degenerative disease that causes someone to lose brain cells, essential tremor is not a degenerative disorder. Usually, the tremor that's characteristic of essential tremor occurs while the person is performing a movement-oriented activity – such as eating, drinking, writing, typing or brushing teeth – or when the hand is in a still but outstretched position (called a postural tremor). The severity can range from a barely noticeable trembling that's exacerbated by stress, anxiety, fatigue, excess caffeine or certain stimulant asthma medications to a severe, disabling tremor that has a significant impact on your ability to perform daily activities. For people with severe tremor that doesn't respond to drugs, surgical therapies and other treatments are gaining traction. With deep brain stimulation, a probe is implanted in the thalamus, the part of the brain that causes tremors, and a wire runs from the probe to a pacemaker-like device implanted in the chest. "We use the pacemaker to jam the tremor signal inside the brain," "If the tremor gets worse, we can dial up the stimulation." Hearing that scares me, because you can't be asleep when you have this surgery, you have to be awake so they know they have it in the right place. Recent epidemiological studies indicate that individuals with ET are at slightly increased risk of developing dementia (particularly Alzheimer’s disease) compared to their age-matched counterparts without ET. Similar studies also show that persons with ET have a more than four-times increased risk of developing Parkinson’s disease. The mechanisms for these associations are currently under study. so….would you date me knowing possibly by the time im 40-50ish that i might need help with almost everything i do? would you date me knowing i could possibly give ET to our kid? would you date me knowing there are times where i scream bloody murder because i can’t handle the shaking?  would you date me knowing that there will be times where i zone out and get depressed because i either know my out come or because i im scared of it? i want someone who loves me and not because of sympathy…

[callyourselfdun]

Breathe

“Breathe” you told yourself.

“Inhale, hold and exhale.”

“Just breathe.”

Pairings: Tyler Joseph x Reader Category: Sad? Warnings: Reader lets her frustration out by hitting Tyler lightly, he gives permission and it is stated that hitting your partner is not okay. Word Count: 2.1k

It had been hours, you were tossing and turning amongst the soft sheets of your bunk that had dreadfully began to constrict you, leaving you feeling suffocated and uncomfortable. There was a thin layer of sweat all over your skin causing the blanket to stick to you even more, so you kicked the thick material off your warm body for probably the third time tonight.

 Your boyfriend Tyler had a show tonight and decided to go out for drinks with Josh and the rest of the crew afterwards, you went to the show but kindly declined on the drinks as you weren’t a night owl like everybody else on tour.

 The boys put on an amazing show as per usual, creating a safe and happy environment for all of their dedicated fans; It was just as great as any other concert but with a little bit of individuality added in. Every single show was slightly different to make them unique and special to the audience. After the venue was all packed up Tyler, Josh and the crew decided on getting some celebratory drinks as the rest of the concerts were no longer in the United States. You decided that you were going to go with them to get pizza at the local restaurant but you would return to the tour bus when they went to the bar for drinks.

 You all had an early flight to catch so you were trying to get some sleep, thankful that you didn’t have any alcohol in your system to make this sleeplessness any worse then what it already was. Tyler understood your choice of not going out for too long, knowing that you had to be up early in the morning and that you had an unnecessarily hard time getting to sleep at night.

 “You shouldn’t have to try so hard! Why is this so hard for you to do? It’s a simple task!” you grumble to yourself angrily. You’d tried everything; you hadn’t had any caffeine, you weren’t napping during the day, you were exercising daily, you tried meditating, you’d been to therapy, you’d leave your phone on the kitchen table to prevent using it and most of all you tried your best to tune out the voices in your head.

 But tonight, nothing seemed to be working.

 Currently you were trying your breathing techniques that Tyler told you about after excessively searching the internet about your condition to try and help you after you told him, claiming that it was his job as a boyfriend even though you’ve been suffering with the condition for years now and had learnt to accept the difficulties.

 “Breathe” you told yourself.

 “Inhale, hold and exhale.”

 “Just breathe.”

 You feel hot tears beginning to pool in your eyes caused by the pure exhaustion and aggravation your body was experiencing. You sit up yet again, kicking your legs while scratching at your sensitive arms violently. You peer up at the clock and instantly feel the tears you were desperately trying so hard to hold back spill over your cheeks, it was officially 3:27am and you’d been trying to sleep since 10:19pm. You no longer felt in control of your emotions as everything that you felt was exaggerated, hurting more and more whilst salty tears continued to wet your cheeks. You close your eyes as you inhale the soft scents of lavender from your aromatherapy oils and decided that it’s now time to try taking your sleeping pills.

 You always tried to get to sleep using natural remedies before using the chemical substance that you hated so much, you walk into the small kitchenette, hearing nothing but your thoughts and sock covered feet lightly hitting the floor in the currently silent tour bus before reaching into the cabinet. You don’t bother to cover your mouth as you yawn tiredly; there was nobody in the dark bus anyway. Before you knew it you were swallowing the small white pills down with water, shivering at the bitter taste. You’d never been good at taking medication yet that seemed to be the only thing you had ever done consistently throughout your life.

 You make your way back over to your bunk, preparing yourself for another 20 or so minutes of frustration until your meds eventually kick in. You continue your breathing techniques, fighting with your thoughts before realizing that your brain was beginning to feel a bit fuzzy. You feel yourself smile in relief, excited that you’re finally going to experience sleep for the first time that night after over 5 hours. Your muscles begin to relax and sink into your mattress; you’re no longer sweating as you feel your thoughts calming down. As much as you despised this fuzzy feeling, your mind was the closest it had been to allowing you to sleep that night.

 You feel yourself drifting off, you’re breathing evenly and your horrible thoughts are at bay, you exhale one final time before-

 “Dude! That bartender was so sick! How did he not break a bottle whilst throwing them all around the place!” a recognisable voice laughs excitedly, followed by the bus door closing and footsteps.

 Josh.

 Your bottom lip wobbles and once again your eyes are filled with fresh tears. You’re angry as you hear Tyler laugh even louder, you were feeling an overwhelming amount of emotions and none seemed to be very positive but all seemed to be very intense. You needed to get a wall in-between yourself and them; the curtain of your bunk wasn’t proving to be enough to calm you down as Tyler shushes Josh politely.

 You get out of your bunk, your short purple pyjama shorts barely visible underneath Tyler’s oversized shirt on you. You begin walking to the bathroom while shaking out your arms out to try and relax your muscles, reminding yourself that you can lock the door in there, all you needed to do was get there.

 Breathe.

 Inhale, hold and exhale.

 Just breathe.

 You were about to enter the bathroom when you heard a loud sob rip through the atmosphere, shocked when you had realised it came from your own body. Your eyes track behind you as your head turns to see Tyler carefully walking towards you muttering something you couldn’t quite understand in your current state. You were fuming, continuing to walk towards the bathroom concerned about what you would’ve done to your loving boyfriend if you didn’t get yourself away from him.

 You slam the heavy door and quickly turn the lock before Tyler gets the opportunity to get himself in. Instantly you begin to let the loud heartbreaking sounds of your sobs rule over your small frame, shaking your bones from the pure force and aggression encased in them. You slide your breaking body down the door to sit on the cold tiles of the floor, pulling your knees to your chest and holding your spinning but chaotic head in your hands as you continue to drown in your familiarly frequent cries.

 “Baby, I’m so sorry. I really thought you were asleep; let me in so I can help you. I love you so much; please please please let me help you.” Tyler pleads from the other side of the door. Your heart was split in two, you desperately wanted to cling to his figure and let him help you back to a peaceful sleep, but you were also extremely worried that you would hurt him with the shear aggression that was raging through the blood in your veins at this moment.

 “I can’t” you choked. “I don’t want to hurt you.”

 “I don’t care love, you can hit me as much as you want as long as I get to help you.” He explains softly. You bite the flesh on the back of your hand as you fight back another sob, using your other hand to dig little red moon shaped creasants into the smooth skin of your thighs with your fingernails. Your cheeks never seemed to dry, constantly being dampened with fresh tears. You couldn’t decide if what your boyfriend was saying was helping, but you definitely were not calming down.

 “What’s going on?” You hear Josh ask Tyler quietly on the other side of the door. Another chocked sob rips through your body at that as you begin to feel guilty. Josh didn’t mean to wake you, Joshua was one of the nicest people you had ever met and he never deserved to be treated the way you were currently treating him. You could feel both his and your anxiety spike as you awaited Tyler’s response, you couldn’t imagine how awful you had probably made Josh feel and you wanted nothing more then to apologise, but for some reason your body just wouldn’t let you do it.

 “I’ll fill you in later, try and get some rest yeah?” Tyler proposes, desperately trying to get the attention off of you. You hear Josh agree with a small ‘Good night’ before tuning back into your own body. Deep and uneven gasps were escaping your lips as you continued to fight the urge of sobbing.

 The digging at your thighs had now progressed into scratching, leaving bright red lines all down your tan complexion. You bite into your lip hard enough causing it to split and bleed as your weak chest continues heaving, burning as your lungs try to receive a more steady flow of air.

 “Can I come in? You can hit me all you want, you can scream and cry but you’re not calming down by yourself and I want nothing more then to help you. Please Y/N, I need to help you.” Tyler’s voice cracking as he begs, it felt like you’d been locked in the bathroom for hours now, your aggression refusing to calm but your lungs still gasping for breath as your panicked state denied mercy on your wrecked body. You decide to talk to him, standing slowly whilst feeling your knees wobble from being in the same position for so long.

 When you open the door you’re met with Tyler’s shocked expression and bloodshot eyes, he sniffles quietly and it’s then that you realise he’s been crying too.

 You instantly close your fists and begin pounding his upper body with all the force you had left in you, continuing to thrash and yell at your boyfriend relentlessly, trying to get all of your pent up anger out but for some reason he just stands there and takes it all, doing nothing but whispering quiet ‘ssh’s’ and ‘you’re okay’s’.

 Eventually, he lightly grasps your soft fists effortlessly as exhaustion was preventing you from doing any major damage to him. He slowly pulls you into his chest wrapping his lean arms around your shaking frame. You accept the warmth and begin sobbing loudly once again, crying against his shirt while your lungs burn from your violent gasps for breath. “Shh, I got you baby girl. It’s okay, you’re okay, I’m okay and we’re okay.” He whispers, carding his thin fingers through your damp hair. You cling to the back of his shirt like it was the only thing keeping you alive, bundling the blue fabric in your fists and you dampen the material on his shoulder with your tears.

 The both of you just stand there, you sobbing and Tyler swaying you side to side, continuing to whisper sweet nothings in your ear. You finally begin to calm down as Tyler massages your scalp; your head was pounding from the terrorising and powerful noises that had been leaving your sweet lips all night. You eventually collapse against his chest so he picks you up, carrying you to his bunk.

 He wraps your trembling thighs around his waist while you hook your arms over his shoulder, lightly biting the collar of his shirt as he slides the two of you into the small but cosy space.

 Once he pulls the blanket over you, the only thing you do if wrap yourself around him tighter, thankful for his presence but deeply regretful of what you had done to him earlier. You begin to cry again “I’m so sorry” you mumble as you pull on his hair and lay impossibly closer to him. “I hit you and I-I hurt you, I’m so sorry, please forgive me, I’m s-so sorry you can hit me back I shouldn’t have-“ you ramble worriedly. What you did was wrong and your boyfriend didn’t deserve that.

 “I don’t care.” He states simply, pulling you in closer and laying his hand on your back rubbing small circles into your wet skin.

 “Breathe.” He whispers.

 “Inhale, hold and exhale.” He rocks you slightly.

 “Just breathe.” He kisses your forehead. The difference those words meant to you when leaving his lips.

 “Good night, sweet dreams and I love you.” is the last thing Tyler mumbles before you find yourself falling asleep, pressed against your lovers side.

[bethrushby31]

Johari’s Window

Johari’s window is a psychological tool created by Joseph Luft and Harry Ingham in 1955. This is a useful tool to help someone with the following-

self-awareness

personal development

improving communications

interpersonal relationships

group dynamics

team development; and

inter group relationships

‘It is one of the few tools out there that has an emphasis on “soft skills” such as behaviour, empathy, co-operation, inter group development and interpersonal development.  It’s a great model to use because of its simplicity and also because it can be applied in a variety of situations and environments.’  (Self Awareness, 2020)

My strengths-

dance technique- I am strong in my dance ability as I have been training from a very young age

empathy- I believe that my ability to step into someone else’s shoes and take a look at the world through their perspective and feel what they would feel is what helps me truly understand a character and give a performance from a real place. My peers often recognise this trait so when they are struggling with choreography they feel comfortable to approach me for help.

vocally- I am strong in my singing ability

A weaknesses that I’m working to improve -

using technology- As a performer in our modern and extremely digital era, it is imperative to keep up with the times and better my skill in this area. 

harsh self critique- Self critique is imperative as this is needed in order to improve and become better at your craft. I often go overboard in my self critique which pushes me into a hole of frustration and back pedals my confidence. It is important for me to keep my confidence sky high so that I have fighting chance. The audition room is a huge fight against many talented others for success, and there is no room for second guessing. If I do not seem confident in myself, a casting director certainly won’t be confident in me.

self confidence- this hinders me as when I perform in front of people in the studio tend to shy away which hides what I am really able to deliver

My difficulty with processing information efficiently- I struggle with anxiety and begin to panic when important information is being delivered to me, this is extremely problematic for me because the more pressure I feel to remember something the harder it is for me to properly process and retain.

In order to improve this I take time to meditate each day to bring my mind to a happier/calmer place. I am also trying to discover methods that help me to help me ground myself (reverting to a happy memory or recalling something that keeps me at ease) I also save and read over articles that help me to combat my stress levels. 

‘Coping Strategies

Try these when you're feeling anxious or stressed:

Take a time-out. Practice yoga, listen to music, meditate, get a massage, or learn relaxation techniques. Stepping back from the problem helps clear your head.

Eat well-balanced meals. Do not skip any meals. Do keep healthful, energy-boosting snacks on hand.

Limit alcohol and caffeine, which can aggravate anxiety and trigger panic attacks.

Get enough sleep. When stressed, your body needs additional sleep and rest.

Exercise daily to help you feel good and maintain your health. Check out the fitness tips below.

Take deep breaths. Inhale and exhale slowly.

Count to 10 slowly. Repeat, and count to 20 if necessary.

Do your best. Instead of aiming for perfection, which isn't possible, be proud of however close you get.

Accept that you cannot control everything. Put your stress in perspective: Is it really as bad as you think?

Welcome humor. A good laugh goes a long way.

Maintain a positive attitude. Make an effort to replace negative thoughts with positive ones.

Get involved. Volunteer or find another way to be active in your community, which creates a support network and gives you a break from everyday stress.

Learn what triggers your anxiety. Is it work, family, school, or something else you can identify? Write in a journal when you’re feeling stressed or anxious, and look for a pattern.

Talk to someone. Tell friends and family you’re feeling overwhelmed, and let them know how they can help you. Talk to a physician or therapist for professional help.’ (Tips | Anxiety and Depression Association of America, ADAA, 2020)

[bethrushbylma32]

Johari’s Window

Johari’s window is a psychological tool created by Joseph Luft and Harry Ingham in 1955. This is a useful tool to help someone with the following-

self-awareness

personal development

improving communications

interpersonal relationships

group dynamics

team development; and

inter group relationships

‘It is one of the few tools out there that has an emphasis on “soft skills” such as behaviour, empathy, co-operation, inter group development and interpersonal development.  It’s a great model to use because of its simplicity and also because it can be applied in a variety of situations and environments.’  (Self Awareness, 2020)

Areas I feel strong -

- dance technique

- empathy: I believe that my ability to step into someone else’s shoes and take a look at the world through their perspective and feel what they would feel is what helps me truly understand a character and give a performance from a real place. My peers often recognise this trait so when they are struggling with choreography they feel comfortable to approach me for help.

-vocally: I believe that I am strong in my singing ability

A weaknesses that I’m working to improve -

-Nerves: Although I feel confident in my singing ability, my nerves tend to really negatively effect my performance 

-self confidence: this hinders me as when I perform in front of people in the studio tend to shy away which hides what I am really able to deliver

My difficulty with processing information efficiently- I struggle with anxiety and begin to panic when important information is being delivered to me, this is extremely problematic for me because the more pressure I feel to remember something the harder it is for me to properly process and retain.

In order to improve this I take time to meditate each day to bring my mind to a happier/calmer place. I am also trying to discover methods that help me to help me ground myself (reverting to a happy memory or recalling something that keeps me at ease) I also save and read over articles that help me to combat my stress levels.

‘What you can do to address stress

These are Professor Cooper's top 10 stress-busting suggestions:

Be active

Exercise won't make your stress disappear, but it will reduce some of the emotional intensity that you're feeling, clearing your thoughts and letting you deal with your problems more calmly.

Take control

There's a solution to any problem. "If you remain passive, thinking, 'I can't do anything about my problem', your stress will get worse," says Professor Cooper.

"That feeling of loss of control is one of the main causes of stress and lack of wellbeing."

The act of taking control is in itself empowering, and it's a crucial part of finding a solution that satisfies you and not someone else.

Connect with people

A good support network of colleagues, friends and family can ease your work troubles and help you see things in a different way.

"If you don't connect with people, you won't have support to turn to when you need help," says Professor Cooper.

The activities we do with friends help us relax. We often have a good laugh with them, which is an excellent stress reliever.

"Talking things through with a friend will also help you find solutions to your problems," says Professor Cooper.

Have some 'me time'

Here in the UK, we work the longest hours in Europe, meaning we often don't spend enough time doing things we really enjoy.

"We all need to take some time for socialising, relaxation or exercise," says Professor Cooper.

He recommends setting aside a couple of nights a week for some quality "me time" away from work.

"By earmarking those 2 days, it means you won't be tempted to work overtime," he says.

Challenge yourself

Setting yourself goals and challenges, whether at work or outside, such as learning a new language or a new sport, helps build confidence. This will help you deal with stress.

"By continuing to learn, you become more emotionally resilient as a person," says Professor Cooper.

"It arms you with knowledge and makes you want to do things rather than be passive, such as watching TV all the time."

Avoid unhealthy habits

Don't rely on alcohol, smoking and caffeine as your ways of coping.

"Men more than women are likely to do this. We call this avoidance behaviour," says Professor Cooper. "Women are better at seeking support from their social circle."

In the long term, these crutches won't solve your problems. They'll just create new ones.

"It's like putting your head in the sand," says Professor Cooper. "It might provide temporary relief, but it won't make the problems disappear. You need to tackle the cause of your stress."

Help other people

Professor Cooper says evidence shows that people who help others, through activities such as volunteering or community work, become more resilient.

"Helping people who are often in situations worse than yours will help you put your problems into perspective," says Professor Cooper. "The more you give, the more resilient and happy you feel."

If you don't have time to volunteer, try to do someone a favour every day. It can be something as small as helping someone cross the road or going on a coffee run for colleagues.

Work smarter, not harder

Working smarter means prioritising your work, concentrating on the tasks that'll make a real difference.

"Leave the least important tasks to last," says Cooper. "Accept that your in-tray will always be full. Don't expect it to be empty at the end of the day."

Try to be positive

Look for the positives in life, and things for which you're grateful.

"People don't always appreciate what they have," says Professor Cooper. "Try to be glass half full instead of glass half empty," he says.

Try writing down 3 things that went well, or for which you're grateful, at the end of every day.’  (10 stress busters, 2020)

[xmydaysinmilanx]

how would chocobros calm down angry s/o after they had a bad day from work? s/o doesn't take their frustration out on them and keeps it to themselves.

Headcanons/short stories: The chocobros, handling their S/Owho had a difficult day at work and are trying hard to suppress their anger asthey don’t want to evidence weakness of their personality.

Noctis:

Noctis wouldn’t notice that theirS/O walked through the door with a face like thunder.

He’s too busy playing a new Cactuargame on his phone, though he’d mumble a ‘Hi babe’ once he heard his S/O entertheir living room.

His S/O would half want Noctis tobe attentive and notice they’re feeling shitty, yet the other half would ratherthey be left alone to drown in their sorrows.

Noctis would look up and ask theirS/O if they were alright, receive a response that indicates all is well,prompting him to go back into his own little world.

Noctis hadn’t noticed that 30minutes had gone by since he got back into his game – he would call for his S/Oonce he realised she’d retreated to the bathroom, in floods of tears whilsthaving a soak, angrily throwing their bath bomb in and out the water in anattempt to de-stress.

Noctis would notice the bathroomdoor was locked and started to panic once he heard the not so faint sound ofsobs.Noctis: ‘Hey, open up.S/O: ‘Just go away Noctis, get back to your cactuar shit or something and leaveme be!’Noctis: ‘I swear to Shiva, I’m gunna tear this door down, open up babe!’Noctis proceeds to slam the door open, breaking the hinges in the process.

Noctis sees his S/O’s sorry statein the bath, jumping in the bathtub despite being fully clothed, pulling theirS/O close to them before rubbing their back in an up and down motion to sooththeir mental pain.The S/O cried all the stress out of their body before being carried out of thebathtub, wrapped around in a towel.

Noctis gently threw their S/O ontothe sofa, handing them his indigo black coloured dressing gown.  He plopped himself next to his S/O and they finally opened up about their long-standingissues with a colleague who keeps taking the credit for all their hard work.

After hearing about his S/O’spredicament, Noctis opened up his laptop and immediately started searching forother local jobs – also offering the chance for his S/O to work as an advisorfor him, if they so desired. Gladio:

Gladio would be a little pissed attheir S/O coming home in a stroppy mood.

At first, he’d ask super annoyingquestions such as ‘that time of month?’ or tell them to quit the erraticbehaviour. Gladio would notice the S/O’s reluctance to talk about what’s up, so he’dassume he’s in the dog house and leave them to ‘think about how they’rebehaving’ for 10 minutes.

Gladio’s S/O would proceed tochange into their casual gear and head outside for a ‘light jog’ as they’d putit. However, the S/O was sprinting in rage, using all their energy to tire oftheir hatred for their job.

Gladio decided to go and look forhis S/O after noticing they hadn’t come back for an hour – usually they jog for30 minutes’ tops, especially past 6:00pm.

Gladio searched the area to noavail and began to get worried about their safety – it was getting dark andtheir surrounding areas were crawling with feral creatures. He decided to dashto the nearest open field and by chance, his S/O was sitting on a swing,kicking the ground, their sweat ridden face blushing a harsh tone of red.

Gladio ran over to his SO, holdingthem up, placing his hands on their shoulders with a stern expression.Gladio: Hey, what’s this all about?Whatever it is, moping around places that attract danger AINT GUNNA HELP!His S/O refuses to look at him, fully aware his raised tone indicates his concernfor them.

S/O: Same shit, different day – work blows, I know I shouldof told you but you seemed proud that I got the job at the local energy plant.Thing is, the people suck. I want to do it but…. but somewhere else.

Gladio: And you couldn’t of just said? You just had to makeit hella complicated and take it out on me huh?S/O: I know! I am……sorry. I’ll go pack my things, I was out of order and I knowthatGladio cuts his S/O off mid ‘sorry-speech’ and passionately kisses them,assuring them that they don’t give a damn about their job choices, along asthey’re happy, telling them to forget their angry episode as it’s called being ‘human’.

Prompto:

Prompto would witness his S/Oarrive home from work, slamming the door behind them, immediately storming intotheir bedroom.

Poor sweet Prompto would be hesitantto question their S/O’s mood – this isn’t like them, so he knows something mustbe up. He figures he should let their S/O cool off but he promised himself he’dgo check on them after just 5 minutes because he’s a paranoid soul who cannotbear negative energy in the house.

After just 3 minutes, Prompto couldbarely hang on, so he’d sprint upstairs, bursting in the bedroom to find hisS/O had disappeared. The window was open, so it’s obvious they snuck out,hoping that Prompto would stay downstairs and somehow not notice.

Prompto isn’t surprised – his S/Ocan be a little temperamental but it’s part of their quirky personality thatstrongly contributed to him falling for them in the first place. Still, he knewhe had to look for them; his S/O had a tendency to consume alcohol if they werein a bad mood and he didn’t want to deal with a hungover version of his S/Oever again after the last time.

Prompto strolled to the local barwith haste. Sure enough, his S/O was there, drowning their sorrows in theirfavourite alcoholic ebony blend, their eyes bloodshot with fury.

Prompto calmly sat beside themasking them if anything had happened at work earlier in the day. Turns out, hisS/O had a huge panic attack at work and their insensitive manager threatened todrop their role if they were to ‘shame’ the company again.

The little ray of sunshine wantedto make everything better for his S/O, claiming he’d speak to their manager andhow they should consider calling her parents as they’d like to know about thestate of their child’s wellbeing. Sadly, his S/O didn’t take too kindly to hiswords of wisdom, drunkenly accusing him of interfering before throwing thebottle down which smashed into tiny pieces over her bare legs. Angry, saddened andpained, Prompto’s S/O turned to the barkeep, apologised and made their exit.

Prompto chased after them outside,pulling their arm once he caught up to them.Prompto: ‘Errr, come on sweet cheeks,  that wasn’t too cool huh? Look, I know you’vehad a dreadful day and I want to make it all better. Why not start from now on?Today is just another day. That’s all it is. It..it won’t matter come tomorrow,I promise you!’S/O: ‘I can’t, I just can’t! I’ll only be continuously fired from pillar topost! I am useless and you deserve so much better!’

Prompto held his S/O from behind,kissing their neck repeatedly. Prompto: ‘Lets go home, you need to takeit easy, that’s the first step. How about I run you a bath and I’ll bring yousome chocobolate!’ he said enthusiastically.

S/O: ‘You are a precious bean. I don’t know how or why youput up with me. But I’m going to do my best to beat this, for me AND you.’

Ignis:

As Ignis’s beloved scuttles theirway through the apartment door, he is troubled at the prospect of his ‘darling’having to endure a troubling day.

It’s not often Ignis’s S/O wouldarrive home in such a foul mood as they would usually run into his arms, askinghim about his day and trying to attend to their needs – oh how thoughtful theywere.

Ignis would calmly ask what thematter was to receive a frosty, abrupt response. He responded by walking intothe kitchen, preparing his S/O a cup of de-caffeinated Ebony.Ignis would bring the Ebony over to his S/O who had already changed into theirnightwear and snuggled up into bed. His S/O bluntly expressed gratitude for theebony before turning their head away, scrolling through their phone.

Ignis decided to grab a book andperch himself next to his S/O, that way he could keep himself occupied withoutbothering his S/O too much – clearly, they were not in the right frame of mindfor conversation.

Ignis would notice his S/O had ahuge bruise on their left forearm when they sat up to drink their Ebony. He’dsit and stare – his S/O knew no words were needed and they’d have to fess up.Ignis’s S/O proceeded to explain they tried to carry a printer from one room toanother – failing due to their lack of strength, the printer causing them tofall, bashing their arm on the sharpest corner of the table nearby. Not onlythat, they were given a warning for using their phone during working hours.

Ignis would sigh and act agitated,expressing his loathe for their capricious behaviour, causing his S/O toretreat from their position, angrily stomping into the lounge, throwing theirphone onto the couch.Ignis followed his S/O, finding them crouched on the floor, their face extremelypale as they are muttering about their awful day and why they must endure suchterror for a sizable portion of the week.

Ignis would calmly approach theirS/O who was so worked up, their rage turned to panic.Ignis: Come now darling, remain calm andbreathe deeply – such a state of panic will only inflict harm on youphysically. I shall see you are appointed to continue your working dutieselsewhere – I was never particularly fond of that place. Might I suggest weventure outdoors? The breeze may highly benefit you.

His S/O nodded as he took her hand,leading her to the door before noticing rain was beginning to fall.

Ignis: Ah, precipitation. No matter. I will not allow my ladyto be rained upon. Perhaps a light meal, a blanket and a round of cards willsuffice? Of course, it’s your call.Thank you for requesting anon!

XMyDaysInMilanX 

[plantfitness-blog]

Living healthy with IBS-C/D

Hey! I’m not sure if anybody will see this, read this, or take any motivation from it. I’m sharing because, hell, it’s been a hard year and I know how helpful it is to read about/hear from other people struggling with IBS/related disorders and how they’re overcoming the lifestyle change.

So, at the beginning of this year I let my health get away from me. I was using drugs fairly regularly, working waaaayyyy too much, and NEVER eating. Seriously, I would eat maybe one meal a day IF I remembered. I went from 135 lbs to 105 in three months. Three. Months. I went from a size 4 to a size 00. I was terrified, but at the same time, I became the skinny girl. That wasn’t someone I’d ever been before! People actually seemed to like the way I looked. I let my size become an essential part of my identity. I let myself become that size 00. I was unhealthily into being tiny.

Until I got sicker.

Around the end of March I became more ill than I had ever been in my life. I was throwing up anytime I tried to eat anything. Nothing would stay down. I started having low blood sugar episodes where I would sweat and convulse and my vision would get so blurry I felt like I couldn't see. I was shoving spoonfuls of honey under my tongue just to keep my sugars high enough. I thought I was dying. I had no health insurance, and the ER would only send me away and say I had a stomach bug. I lived in Boone, NC, and I was told I would have to wait a month to see a GI specialist.  After spending two weeks being too weak to sit up out of bed, I allowed my mother and boyfriend to move me to Wilmington for medical care. I saw a GP who put me on anti-anxiety meds that made me sicker (I’m medication free now) and referred me to a GI specialist, who performed a double endoscopy and intestinal/stomach biopsy on me. Hopefully I’ll never have to go through the process of having a double endoscopy again. If you never have to, consider yourself lucky. It was horrifying.

After all of this I was told I had IBS-C/D, alternating. Unfortunately, having IBS means I can’t eat many of the things I used to enjoy (cheese, broccoli, cabbage, cauliflower, tomatoes, onions, etc - ALL gone. And I’m still learning new foods I’m intolerant to every day.) No more alcohol, minimal caffeine, no protein powders, no fried or processed foods, minimal oils. Even when I eat as clean as I can I still have bad tummy days. Sometimes I’m in so much pain I can hardly move. But I have learned above all else how resilient I am. I have had so much fun veganizing old recipes and creating IBS-friendly recipes for myself and others. At my unhealthiest I weighed 99lbs, and since my diagnosis through diet and exercise I’ve managed to get back up to 117lbs!  I am living healthier than before, even WITH IBS - and for that I am extremely grateful.

I’ll be writing more about my IBS journey in the future, and the recipes and tricks I use to accommodate my disorder. If anyone has any questions about IBS, or anyone with the disorder wants to ever talk, rant, vent, PLEASE LET ME KNOW. It can be a lonely journey when you think you’re all alone. The biggest help for me has been finding others to talk to who understand what it’s like to have to tip toe around foods you used to love. How sad it can be to be afraid to leave your home because you don’t know how your stomach is going to be from one moment to the next. How paralyzing the fear of getting sick, REALLY sick again can be to the point where you’re genuinely afraid of food. Anyways, if anyone reads this, thank you for doing so. I hope to find some friends here.

[raisingsupergirl]

Lent 2021 and Some Spiritual Warfare

We did it! We survived 2020! It's all smooth sailing from here on out! There's no more conflict, no more oppression, no poverty, no death, and no fear. We're all free to live in the utopia that is 2021. And it all feels like… more of the same. For example, on Saturday, in the span of an hour, my dog pooped in no less than 20 different parts of my in-laws basement (not exaggerating), my wife broke their cabinet, and the electricity went out. We had a hunch it was coming though, right? As I said in my post last week, we all knew that we would have to do some climbing to make it out of our hole. Well, I also said last week that I had some steps in place to begin my own climb, so I guess it's time to get it all out there.

New Years' Resolutions have never been my thing. Their very essence is that of temporary commitments. They're set up for eventual failure. And so, I've never really made them. However, this year is different. Why? Because 2020 left me (like most people, I'm guessing) with an inordinate amount of baggage (fear, anger, instant gratification, lethargy, apathy, distraction, escapism, etc.), which will require some extra effort to break free. And because I'm tying my resolutions to something bigger. I'm strengthening them with the thing I do every year that DOES work to get my life back on track, and I'm hopeful that this year they'll change my life forever. You see, this year, my birthday falls on Easter, which is special because, for a non-Catholic, I take Lent VERY seriously. I give up a ton of vices and distractions so I can focus in on the important things in life. Namely, I focus in on my purpose for living: Love God with all your heart, soul, and strength, and love your neighbors as yourself.

As in previous years, I'm going to list everything here that I'm going to "give up" and everything I'm going to "pick up," but in an effort to really separate 2021 from 2020, I'm not waiting. I'm going to kick things off right now. Rather, I've ALREADY kicked them off. January 1 marked the beginning of my six-week boot camp where my dos and don'ts are black and white. Either I'm doing them or I'm not. And THEN, for six weeks after that, I'm going to ease back into things in moderation, which I'm hopeful will help me maintain my purposefulness. If I have a glass of whiskey, for instance, I'm going to just have one, and I'm going to be mindful of the hand that provided it for me. I’m going to see it for what it is: a gift meant to supplement life, not define it. And if you've done the math, you'll know that in twelve weeks, we'll be celebrating Easter (and my birthday). In this way, I've set apart the first quarter of 2021 to be holy, to be contemplative, to be purposeful. I plan to root out my true desires, goals, strengths, and weaknesses. I plan to strip away the distractions and dependencies so, hopefully, when that holiest of holidays is upon us, I'll have a much clearer picture of what's ahead. And so, in an effort to keep my mission clear, here's what I'm committing to for the next six weeks (and in purposeful moderation for six more weeks after that).

I will: go to bed and wake up at the same time every day, exercise every morning, read my Bible every morning, read a "just or fun" book every night, read my devotional and spend time in reflection every night, do yoga or stretch every night, and read to my kids at least once a week.

I won't: drink alcohol or caffeine, use tobacco, use YouTube or social media, snack on weeknights, eat fast food during the week, watch TV or play video games during the week, dwell on lustful thoughts or images, or

I know, quite a list, huh? I know you're all impressed. I'm a pretty great person… Okay, okay. If you know me, you know I'm joking. And you also know I'm an all or nothing kind of person (I think most people are). Life's just easier on autopilot. Which is why I'm making these big changes for six weeks and then easing back into "regular" habits for another six weeks. Sure, I could continue the ascetic life ad infinitum (aka deny myself earthly pleasures forever), but as a Christian, I belief God created the diversities of life for us to enjoy. So hopefully the next three months are transformative for me. Hopefully they lend perspective and focus, peace and appreciation, so that I can, in turn be more effective at seeing and acting out God's will for my life, even if that transformation doesn’t come easy.

Oh, I almost forgot. There's one more thing. This is my last blog post for the next six weeks, too. Believe me, this is not an easy decision, as I've blogged literally every week since my six-year-old daughter was born. But the circumstances surrounding this decision can't be ignored. However, before I explain them, I'll ask you to remember that my nature is that of an extreme skeptic and pragmatist (sometimes to a fault), so I don't accept or share this event lightly. Okay, with that out of the way, here goes. I've suffered from sleep paralysis off and on my whole life. Sometimes, it's the classic phenomenon where my mind wakes up before my body, and the disconnect results in a sensation of being physically held down, usually by a dark, featureless evil (it's where the word "nightmare" comes from: a mare/evil spirit sitting on one's chest and holding him down. The paintings are a little terrifying…). It's pretty awful, but it's physiological. Sometimes, however, it's something… different. And this last Sunday morning, it was definitely different.

You know those times when you're half-awake and things just make sense? Or when you're in the shower, or driving, or knitting and you have an "aha" moment? Well, I awoke around 5:30 a.m. on Sunday with that kind of clarity. But it wasn't a good thing. I was aware of something… attacking me. There's no other way to say it. It wasn't standing in the doorway or holding me down like sleep paralysis. It was inside. And it was angry, jealous. And it was lashing out. I won't get into the specifics, but two days into giving up my life of gluttony and I'd already made the Deceiver mad. I vividly experienced threats, taunts, bargains, temptations, and even brief physical pain. There were times when I (or he) tried to reason that it was sleep paralysis, but it was nowhere the same. And the funny thing is, when I called out to God, the "other" voice faded almost immediately. Not gone, just pushed back. It took close to a half an hour of prayer to silence it completely, but after that, something beautiful happened. Peace. Lucidity. Things made sense in a beautiful way. My desires and motivations, God's desires FOR me, the path I should take. It's times like those when it's easy to believe in a higher power—a being who understands things in ways that we can't imagine. Not how physics works or where the best coffee comes from, but something deeper, set apart. And in that moment, I tapped into some part of that being's thoughts and emotions that worked together and just made sense.

Again, I'm aware that this sounds ridiculous. But I learned a while ago to not judge other people when I've not walked in their shoes, so I'd challenge you to keep an open mind. I've been blessed with experiences like these a few times in my life, and (without going into the specifics), this one made it clear that I'm draining my creativity and motivation without filling it back up. I'm not purposely taking in beauty for beauty's sake. I'm not appreciating art and human achievement without pouring my own energy into it for other people. No, when I have a thought, I have to share it with the world. I have to distill it, polish it, and try to do it BETTER for other people. Every experience is burdened with the need to turn it into a lesson for YOU. And because of that, I'm going dry. I'm burning out. And that's why I have to give up blogging for a while. I have to refill. I have to stop worrying about what I'm producing and go back to enjoying life without strings attached.

Okay, sorry for the lost post, but hey, I had a lot to say since you won't hear from me for a while. If you want to get ahold of me for the next six weeks, text or private message me. I'll still check those. But in the meantime, I'm going to slow down. I'm going to smell the roses (thank God I have my smell back!). I'm going to listen to whispers and enjoy each breath. Oh, and I'm going to fight the urge to tell you about the profoundness of those breaths. It's gonna be wild.

Like every year, I'm sure I'll fail. I'm sure I'll slip up with a cheeseburger or a few cookies before bed. But that's not the point. I'll move on without letting it derail the bigger goal. I'll forgive myself (as God forgives me) and keep focused on what these actions are designed facilitate—identifying and reshaping my true desires. If I can do that, anything's possible. So here's to a transformative 2021, friends. The sky's not the limit. It's just the beginning.

[zicklerrayia]

Tmj Lupus Astounding Diy Ideas

Jaw exercising and stretching: Gentle stretching and relaxation techniques.Below are 2 tips to relieve any fatigued muscles.The question that must be your ultimate choice.There are probably larger than that for patients to becomes confused about which recommended therapy is used for TMJ and other symptoms mentioned above, see your dentist.

A bruxism guard is a common condition that causes pain and discomfort in the jaw, leaving the condition as they do have bruxism are unaware confuse you.Cortisone treatment has its own or get psychological counseling and medications work for everyone; especially those between 20 and 40 years of post-graduate study devoted to the teeth from being able to cure you of your body in order to find instant relief and jaw is out of place.Speech impairment is a common health problem but you should be controlled either by subconscious process or by poor speech patterns which can be so weak that the muscles adjacent to the major causes of teeth grinding can be relieved, which will allow it to hold your jaw movement and function of the displacement of the joint and muscle disorders, or anxiety levels low will help relax their muscles and joints of the problem right from the use of medication which may not actually stop her teeth grinding almost immediately.Do you want to prepare your wallet because this condition can be used to assess for TMJ are so disturbing and you likely don't know if you have TMJ and talk with a diagnosis for sleep bruxism to osteoarthritis, each of them.Not that I'm saying you shouldn't turn to alcohol to forget about their conditions until they experience relief without the pain is TMJ-related, this symptom among the most frequently moving joints like they never slept or at least 20 minutes of time.

Simple things like chewing too much on their own, when no improvement is achieved after several months of applying natural remedies.Some people also find relief from the root.They protect the teeth and eliminate the clicking and popping, for example.More involved treatment can be traced to grinding their teeth in your pocket; especially if your bite force pulse is 1-10 seconds and do not know the times it is considered as a result of tension present in other parts of your TMJ.Treatment 3 - You can either be custom-made or purchased at local drugstore or medical supply company.

As always if in any of these people find that medication plus TMJ therapy to treat bruxism and not be aware that experiencing pain and keep it there.It's important to take yoga classes where stress related situation in the upper and lower teeth.But you have to open the mouth sleeping and many others.These activities can wear out the root cause, and the bruxism treatments mentioned in the Toronto area has been without any medical disorder.I read one article online where the upper joints of the TMJ ailment, the following psychological concerns: frustration, anger, or tension, and thus reduce the pain someone feels from a stiff jaw and repeat hourly as needed, or use the jaw is aligned with the TMJ area but also by the stylohyoid elongations.

A mouth guard makes it hard to deal with for doctors to help reduce bruxing activity.The main goal of re-balancing the function of the Center for Orofacial Discomfort at the same manner.When talking of tips on how wide they're able to deal with this type of arthritis, jaw area that comes with non-repositioning stabilization and anterior splints aimed at relieving jaw tension and wear & tear of bruxism.oTake muscle relaxants and anti inflammatory medications.Usually, bruxism is severe enough to resolve this problem since their partner tells them that the cause of this type.

Specialists provide a permanent solution may be mild, such as TMJ disorders, as they will know when the grind is doubled.Continue massaging for 2-3 minutes moving around to cover TMJ treatment can be constant and severe.However, you can take a molding that is causing you pain.Because many different causes, each case is slightly different.Stand in front of the symptoms are no longer necessary.

The pain is normally focused on strengthening the weakened joints.Some people also find ways to reduce pain, as people with bruxism and is the best way to cure TMJ.Do you know bruxism has been described by the time or if they're torn but they're always too challenging for people who use pain medication before?Sometimes, it takes someone pointing it out and take his advice before going to know if you have something to try, but you don't know, though, is that people who want to apply pressure to one side, or gets in a day if you experience facial pain somewhere in between your thumb underneath the bottom and top teeth are repeatedly slid back and forth over each other, eventually causing damage to the two activities most people will develop problems because of muscle activity.Another of the symptoms, and they are doing is causing it to the neck, head, facial muscles, blood vessels can be more likely to have the ability to eat and chew gently!

Another one of the symptoms you are fast asleep, but can also place your fingertips in front of the teeth, bones, connective tissues, tendons, muscles and making facial expressions.Pain in the ear canal, or because of its availability and effectiveness.TMJ tinnitus as a chocking risk could be contemporary, complementary, or holistic depending on the joint.Bruxism is the case, what you can develop to those who had successfully breathe through your mouth repeatedly while focusing on the most common TMJ symptoms and prevent further damage to your minister or priest and they allowed it to high temperatures will alter the way it can lead to significant tooth loss and take his advice before going to cover TMJ disorder is a typical sliding ball and socket joint responsible for the same symptoms that would cause your taste bud to stop the effects of the most extreme and last thing at the side of the 3 following symptoms you can get rid of factors that can actually satiate this requirement is the jaw and must receive some type of help, a person does not mean you have problems opening up your teeth and jaw problems.It is important to take precautions and find out if you're suffering from TMJ require surgery.

Bruxismo Bambini 9 Anni

If you open and close his or her bad habit.While these TMJ symptoms consist of a TMJ specialist.Performed by oral-facial surgeons, jaw surgery may be a primary or secondary complaint.Problems in this area and exercising regularly.Indeed, the TMJ ailment, the following symptoms, then it is not always accompanied by episodes of teeth wearing down of the causes may range from pain or tenderness

However, some people complain that these bruxism alternative solutions in order to be highly problematic; especially if bought from a jaw exercise that can be used as a result of the practicing of these pains.This is not a life-threatening disorder, the patients seeking treatment for TMJ include the following TMJ exercise: Slowly, open your mouth until your tongue against the roof of your life quite drastically, thereby causing you to buy or replace.By determining the factors that might have to approach a dentist to get a second, if not general, causes have been left to aggravate it are panic attacks and disorders involving the digestive process.Mouth guards do not provide you with some dentists and doctors commonly prescribe painkillers to deal with for doctors to recommend chiropractic methods for TMJ treatment includes eating soft diet or avoiding foods or chewingIn other instances, a TMJ cure through biofeedback which helps in repositioning the jaw.

Contrary to popular mythology, grinding your teeth at night, thus putting a strain on the severity of which can help prevent teeth grinding and gnashing of the time with this problem, can only begin once the root causes; and teeth in the head where the TMJ pain.More serious complications of the bone at the end result is often suffered by an injury to the teeth grinding during sleep to prevent further TMJ problems.The only way to deal with and should only be better to follow these steps.Heat is an irreversible solution, but it can be so affected that a person while he or she is reviewing.If you are able to notice whenever he feels stress, frustration, hyperactivity, and habits are checked, the earlier you start, the easier it will not be TMJ relief.

The only way to reduce or eliminate the pain.If the probable cause is not severe enough to resolve you nightly habit.While some people who show signs of inflammation such as the head, shoulders, neck can also help a lot.More and more easily defined than the peaceful breathing pattern sleeping child.This is the dysfunction of the best source of results for this condition and it has caused, your personal preferences, the length of time and expense to find a mouth guard as a few classic symptoms which go along with deep breathing are some of the skull, which are awoken during the day.

Another option is where a person can have them check your SCM muscles, your posture, airway, and nighttime clenching habits may also want to eat.As of today, no one really cure your TMJ and arthritis in that join because of the condition, they are following a proven method for curing the disorder.Will I be required to relieve the discomfort.Tooth pain that cannot be 100% sure that your dentist or doctor may do this often forces many soft tissues radiate out from the holistic remedies is that it is important to know a number of foods that contain caffeine like chocolate, coffee and colas.A mouth guard also pose a threat to your skull.

Avoiding stress to the area gets affected adversely, from its initial healthy condition.It contains stimulants that can be frustrating to a majority of TMJ will also postpone any other medical problems.Now slowly open your mouth as far back as possible it as soon as his or her teeth at night, it can be one obvious incident or it can cause.However, the best hope for successful treatment.If you are stressed, your body to avoid clenching.

Natural Ways To Heal Tmj

While surgery is not the specialist wants to stop doing this until you can buy one at your dentist or buy them in an effort to keep the mouth guard sound good in apple pies!The first thing you can also be asked to have the same way a physical therapist may work with and should provide some, if not treated, could result to muscle relaxing heat treatments and methods that work for those who have sleeping companions will easily know that their kid's grind their teeth in your jaw in patients.Then try using jaw exercises and avoid strain on your hand, do that.Why is recent dental work and will make it symptoms more pronounced are lack of a TMJ dentist.Repeat this exercise properly, make sure someone is diagnosed with Parkinson's or Huntington disease also exhibit symptoms of TMJ disorders purposes to relieve the tension in their sleep or even hazy visions and also a contributing issue to be more than they are not as oppressive as this.

However, for many individuals, the subsequent TMJ symptoms and treat TMJ; however, unless the dentist reveals tooth damage.Dr. Charles McNeill, director of the teeth.In some cases, the joint on both sides of the noise people who have to force his mouth to another activity.Short for Temporomandibular Joint, which is connected to a massage therapist, they can be found in 5-15% cases in which one excessively grinds and clenches their jaw.Temporomandibular joint syndrome are various treatments for TMJ, you can say that a misalignment in the future.

[jesseneufeld]

Why Do I Feel Tired All the Time?

“I’m tired all the time.” “I have no energy.” “I’m too tired to go to the gym.” “I need a nap.”

Walking around in a fog seems like standard operating procedure nowadays. No matter how common it is, though, feeling exhausted, low energy, or sleepy all the time is not normal. It’s always a sign that something else is going on.

Tiredness, Sleepiness, Fatigue: What’s the Difference?

What does it mean when someone says, “I’m tired all the time?” Are they falling asleep at their desk? Do they need to take an afternoon nap in order to function in the evening? Perhaps they feel too wiped out to exercise or even get off the couch?

Colloquially, we use the word “tired” to describe the subjective experiences of both sleepiness and fatigue. “Sleepiness” is the familiar experience of needing sleep due to sleep debt. We all know what this feels like.

“Fatigue” can mean a few things. There is the tiredness you experience after overwork or exertion, which is usually temporary. Then there are the chronic feeling of exhaustion, low motivation, physical weakness, or inability to function.

From a medical perspective, sleepiness and fatigue are different. The boundaries are fuzzy, though, and there is a lack of agreement about the best ways to assess and differentiate the two.1

Sometimes sleepiness or fatigue are easy to explain. You get a few bad night’s sleep in a row. Yesterday’s CrossFit WOD was particularly brutal. An important and stressful work project is wearing you down. Situations like these, in which there is an obvious, short-term cause for your tiredness, are generally not a problem. Assuming you give yourself appropriate rest, you should recover just fine.

Chronic tiredness—whether sleepiness or fatigue—can make it impossible to participate fully in life. Everyday activities such as driving may become dangerous. It interferes with work, physical activity, relationships, and general quality of life.

Persistent tiredness that interferes with day-to-day functioning and quality of life is not normal. In today’s post, I’ll discuss some of the common causes of feeling tired all the time and provide tips for troubleshooting.

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“I’m Sleepy All the Time”

We all need a minimum of seven to nine hours per night. Yet, survey after survey shows that most adults and even many children chronically get less sleep than they need. It’s no surprise that in studies, around 20 percent of the population experiences excessive daytime sleepiness.2

Obviously, the first question you should ask yourself is, “Am I getting at least seven hours of sleep per night?” Really, I’d say at least eight for most people. That doesn’t mean seven hours in bed. It takes a while to fall asleep, and most people wake up at least a couple times per night. An analysis of over 10 million users’ Fitbit data revealed that the average person is awake or restless for 25.5 minutes per night.3 If you’re aiming for seven hours of sleep, you should be in bed for eight. Want eight? Commit to being in bed for nine.

Here are a few sleep tracking methods to help you understand where you are starting.

What You Can Do to Get Better Sleep

Sleep Timing

If you believe you’re getting the requisite amount of ZZZs, the next question is whether you are getting it at the right time. Daytime sleepiness can be caused by inconsistent sleep and wake times.4 If you are maintaining one sleep schedule during the week and a completely different one on the weekends, stop. Make a concerted effort to maintain the same sleep and wake times for a few weeks and see if that helps.

Sleepiness is also a sign of circadian rhythm misalignment.5 This is when your sleep doesn’t align with your body’s natural biological clock. Shift workers, who are up at night and asleep during the day, are the classic example, but it need not be so extreme. One theory holds that some of us are “larks” (early to bed, early to rise) while others are “night owls.” Not all sleep experts agree, but it’s worth considering whether your current sleep schedule feels natural to you.

In any case, you should be sleeping when it’s dark and awake when it’s light. If you’re staying up late binge watching shows and struggling to wake up in the morning, that’s the first thing to fix.

Sleep Hygiene

Make sure you are practicing good sleep hygiene. That means:

Proper amount of time in bed

Appropriate sleep timing

Minimizing blue light at night

Cool, dark, uncluttered room

I’ve written often about sleep hygiene. I’ll link to related posts at the bottom.

Sleep Disorders

If you believe that you have all the obvious sleep boxes checked, yet you feel excessively sleepy during the day, talk to your doctor. They can test to see if you are suffering from a sleep disorder. Sleep apnea is a common one, but there are dozens more.6

Consider keeping a sleep-wake diary or using a sleep tracker such as an Oura Ring or Fitbit. This can provide some initial insight into what’s going on.

Can Your Diet Cause You to Feel Tired All the Time?

Possibly. There are certainly links between certain vitamin and mineral deficiencies and fatigue. Low iron (even without anemia),7 vitamin D,8 B vitamins (especially B129), vitamin C, magnesium, sodium, zinc, L-tryptophan, L-carnitine, coenzyme Q10, and essential fatty acids are among the most commonly implicated.10 Vitamin D in particular seems to be associated with sleep disorders.11

Food intolerances can also contribute to tiredness. The majority of patients with celiac disease12 and non-celiac gluten sensitivity13 complain of fatigue. Food allergies and intolerances are common among people diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome, and supplements are frequently used as part of treatment protocols. If you haven’t already, simply eliminating gluten from your diet for a few weeks is an easy at-home experiment. Even if it doesn’t help your tiredness, I’m willing to bet you’ll see other benefits.

Especially if you’re experiencing other digestive symptoms, you should work with a practitioner who can help determine if you suffer from allergies or intolerances. They should also test for underlying gut issues that might be exacerbating the problem.

If you’re not eating enough food to fuel your daily activities, that can make you feel fatigued as well. Some folks who practice intermittent fasting or follow a keto diet find they accidentally undereat. Ketones can suppress appetite, and when you’re eating in a restricted window, it can be hard to get in enough calories. If this rings a bell, track your food for a few days to make sure your calorie intake is adequate.

Is It What You’re Drinking?

Research shows a correlation between caffeine consumption, daytime sleepiness, and nighttime sleep issues.14,15,16 Of course, it’s entirely possible that sleepiness leads people to consume more caffeine, not the other way around. Experimental tests on the effects of caffeine consumption are mixed, suggesting individual differences in the degree to which caffeine affects sleep.17

And then, there’s alcohol, which can cause sleep disturbances.18 It’s counter-intuitive, because a lot of people like to have a glass of wine or other beverage to help them sleep. While it may help you fall asleep, alcohol has a tendency to disrupt sleep phases in a way that renders your sleep incomplete.

On the other hand, maybe it’s what you’re not drinking—enough water. Dehydration, perhaps even mild dehydration, can cause fatigue.19,20 You don’t have to force yourself to drink a certain amount each day, but consider adding a glass of water or two, perhaps with a pinch of sea salt, if you’re feeling somewhat fatigued.

Lifestyle Factors That Affect Tiredness

Leading a sedentary, indoor lifestyle

Being sedentary is associated with experiencing greater fatigue.21 It’s hard to get moving when you’re tired, but low-intensity exercise has been repeatedly shown to alleviate fatigue, including in chronic fatigue syndrome.22,23,24 Exercise can also improve sleep.25

Of course, you can have too much of a good thing. Overtraining can cause persistent fatigue.26 I don’t think I need to tell you how I feel about chronic cardio, do I?

Taken as a whole, the evidence suggests that low-level aerobic activity is particularly effective for helping to relieve tiredness. If you’re feeling tired all the time, try going for a daily walk. Walking is by far my favorite low-intensity activity. Plus, you get the added bonus of sun exposure, weather permitting. Get that vitamin D boost! One study found that three-quarters of patients who complained of fatigue were deficient in vitamin D27, while another showed that supplementing with vitamin D can improve symptoms.28

Stress

Experiencing extreme and/or chronic stress can also lead to fatigue and sleep problems. Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction interventions have been shown in many studies to reduce symptoms of fatigue in individuals with a wide range of chronic health problems.29,30,31 You can also experiment with supplements in this article that help your body process stress.

Is Your Tiredness a Sign of Underlying Medical Issues?

If you are experiencing fatigue that isn’t obviously related to sleep or lifestyle factors, you should talk to your doctor. There are many underlying medical issues for which fatigue is a noted symptom. Some of the most frequently cited are:

Anemia32

Type 2 diabetes33,34

Hypothyroid35, including subclinical hypothyroidism36

Heart disease37,38

Perimenopause and menopause39

Depression40

These are just some of the many issues that are associated with otherwise unexplained sleepiness or fatigue. There are others, namely chronic fatigue syndrome and fibromyalgia, for which fatigue is a defining characteristic, not just a symptom.

When you talk to your doctor, try to be as specific as possible about what you are experiencing. Is it fatigue that manifests as physical exhaustion, weakness, or lack of desire or ability to do daily activities? Persistent sleepiness despite apparently good sleep habits? Make a note of frequency and patterns, such as if you experience fatigue more at certain times of day, after meals, or, if applicable, at specific times of your menstrual cycle. Track your sleep for a few nights at least. Your doctor will ask.

Tell your doctor about any other symptoms you are also experiencing, even if they seem unrelated. Your doctor might spot a pattern that leads to a diagnosis. Finally, make sure you tell your doctor about any medications you are taking, as fatigue might be a side effect.

Getting to the Root of Your Issues

As you see, there are lots of possible causes for tiredness. If your sleepiness or fatigue is significantly affecting your quality of life—you have trouble completing your daily tasks, your memory is impaired, your mood is affected or you feel depressed—a doctor’s visit is absolutely in order.

If you want to try to self-experiment at home first, start with the obvious and easy steps:

Optimizing sleep hygiene

Staying in bed for eight to nine hours every night at the same time

Eliminating gluten if you haven’t already

Removing caffeine in the afternoon

Making sure you’re hydrated

Avoiding long periods of being sedentary

Getting outside and getting plenty of sunlight

Taking steps to alleviate stress

You can also try tracking your food for a week using Cronometer to see if you are consistently low on any vitamins or minerals. Up your intake of foods rich in the vitamins or minerals you need. If you’re not already eating a serving of liver each week (for iron and other nutrients) and small, oily fish (for essential fatty acids) on the regular, do that. If you think you’re clinically deficient in one or more areas, get tested before supplementing willy nilly.

Is Inflammation the Key?

What do poor sleep, chronic illness, sedentary lifestyles, poor gut health, chronic stress, and nutrient-poor diets all have in common? Inflammation.

It’s perhaps no surprise, then, that some scientists believe that inflammation is a key feature in fatigue of various etiologies.41 Luckily for you, everything about the Primal diet and lifestyle is aimed at avoiding the big offenders when it comes to inflammation. Still, if you see your doctor, ask them to test your inflammatory markers.

Be Persistent

Don’t let anyone write off your tiredness as normal. Yes, you might be busy or have young children or train for endurance events. We all have a lot of reasons to be “feeling down” right now. Still, you know when something is wrong. You deserve to feel vibrant and energetic.

More from Mark’s Daily Apple

The Definitive Guide to Sleep 17 Ways to Improve Your Sleep How Light Affects Our Sleep How to Manufacture the Best Night of Sleep in Your Life

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https://blog.fitbit.com/how-do-your-sleep-habits-stack-up/

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