#I’m back to uncertainty
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The multiverse definitely messed me up but atleast I have 4991. And that’s what I’ll say every cycle until the Decepticons finally win this war and take over the planet and destroy all the humans. When that happens I’ll loose contact with the multiverse except for space bridges straight to different universes. And when that happens things should return to normal. Will they ever?
#I don’t know anymore#I’m back to uncertainty#I loved being here#I love being here#I love my friends and family#I love my dad and my siblings#I love everyone#I don’t want to leave but it feels wrong to stay#why am I even feeling?#I can’t logic this anymore#I can’t use my brain to put how I should be feeling about things#I just can’t anymore#this was a mistake#I was better off not being here#I was better off not having these problems#but if I was in that better place#I know I would be miserable#I am miserable#I am nothing#don’t tell 4991
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Old Flesh + The Parliament is conservatism.
I said what I said and I’m not taking it back.
#awful hospital#text post#shitpost#okay but—#a group of people who want everything to go back to the way it was and try to kill (literally) and erase any chance#I have to believe it was intentional#Jay is a truly wonderfully written and despicable villain because not only is he literally evil through killing and verbal abuse#he’s FIGURATIVELY EVIL in the CONTEXT OF THE THEMING because he SEES and is FULLY AWARE OF the injustices of the Hospital and its treatment#but instead of mobilizing that rage he has to make a change he says fuck it there’s nothing I can do and feeds into that corruption +#actively perpetuates it for his own gain and purposes#HE is a BIG PART of why the Hospital is failing by killing patients#it’s not just apathy it’s weaponized spite for all the wrong reasons#he’s an oppressed minority (a human in the Hospital) who grifts off all the fear and uncertainty#to get what he wants#crash is an apathetic and centrist youth who was radicalized by Fern showing him change could be made#but it was already too late#he felt isolated by all the people in change being blind to injustice and that led him to become being disillusioned#Jay and crash show that while being apathetic and refusing to take a stance even when you see injustice isn’t seen as causing as much#direct physical harm as grifting off misfortune it’s still equally as damaging#crash says I can’t fix it so I won’t do anything#while jay says I can’t fix it so who cares if I make it worse as long as I’m getting mine#I should at least get something from this since I’m suffering from it right?#but they ARE also very much sides of the same coin in a more direct way because they both make people suffer for their own gain#crash is doing it for a sense of petty amusement and Jay is doing it because he needs to have control#and power over SOMETHING by putting others down even if he’s also#doing it for amusement#he’s scared and pathetic which has made a control freak#again jay is a fucking minority grifter who asserts power over those who are also less#fortunate to affirm to himself that he’s one of the good and superior ones#crash just wants to have fun and make the best of it even if that’s at the expense of others
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Bro being a Texan is wild right now lol, so many fricken political ads, and misinformation on trans people like what the hell where not forcing children to transition what?! Not to mention the Uber driver I had today was listening to conservative radio programs about how ignorant democrats are and how it’s the gay and women’s fault this happened and why Covid got bad here every where I go it’s politics politics it’s worrying as well as project 2025…I swear that thing gets green lit I’m packing my bags and cats and leaving I’m not living 4 years not being able to be myself and worry about my health care, right now I’m praying for things to be alright and everyone will be safe from discrimination and hate speech and hatred for people being themselves.
Sorry if this was a rant again I don’t like being political it messes with me but I need to get it out there, sorry for my rant lol Texas is a hot zone right now
#rant post#idk what to call this#this is the only political rant and fear based worry post I’ll make here#back to drawing#and making tf2 comics for yall :)#I’m alright btw just scared of the uncertainty of the lgbtq community and my fellow trans folks
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wip whenever
tagged by @impossible-rat-babies and @coldshrugs but since it’s so late I’m not tagging anyone else, feel free to tag me if anyone else wants to share stuff tho <: dropping a section from a swtor wip involving my oc cadrien and @hythlodaes’ oc minaiph !!
“What does it look like to your eyes?”
There is a pause that follows of Min’s silhouette swiveling to face him head-on, their cloaks billowing in the wind. Cadrien forces himself not to flinch away from his gaze even as his pulse races beneath its weight. He can only imagine what he must be thinking—after all, how long has it been since they’ve indulged this old habit? Not since everything changed, so much unnatural distance between them for months, but now there is this, a small step to bridge that gap.
Min takes the leap, always the braver of them. “Tall spires that reach into the sky, not unlike the Sanctum. Muted colors. Layers of snow on their flat surfaces and across the ground.”
“You make it sound almost pleasant.”
“You don’t like it?”
“It’s not home.”
#since i’ve been chipping at it today i’m going with this shsgsgh#there’s so much strain in the stretch of time leading up to this and the way they try to fall back into place with each other#but so much uncertainty and trying to hide their feelings for each other. it gets me so bad#dani.txt#wip tag#oc: cadrien tirai#cadrien/min
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She likes to play with her food. If a dying god is stupid enough to get attached to their single follower, then maybe she can win two birds with a single stone.
@alexis-royce
#nonplatonic forms#step one: take advantage of the mindreading he does to his mortal by having the mortal dream of torturing and killing him#step two: let them both reel from the uncertainty of if it was a nightmare or catharsis#step three: profit#step four: get spritzed by rakove like a misbehaving cat#anyway I’m neutral on how this came out#I hope this monster lady comes back like a chekovs gun#to feast on the suffering of the audience
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got home late one night and I must not have closed the front door well enough and when I woke up in the early morning the door was ajar (not the first time the door mysteriously opened) and basil (cat) was gone and I about had a heart attack
luckily he was just on the front porch chilling and came inside immediately when I went outside to look for him? we’re pretty sure he went on his outdoors adventure and came back to hang out outside when he was done. I’m lucky he had a life before me and seems to have pretty good outside smarts and that we’ve gone on enough leashed walks he knows where home is
also here’s the boy this morning on his every couple daily walk
#the landlord hasn’t fixed the sprinklers which is why the grass is all dead#I’m tempted to ask for a clover lawn if the grass doesn’t bounce back next year#I’m also glad my gf was there that night#it was only a few minutes of uncertainty then we found him but#I love my gf she’s wonderful
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Recently I’ve honestly been ruminating on what Serizawa’s pov in time loop fic would look like.
#life of a fanfiction writer#like I’m not really gonna write anything for that#because that’s the point#but I am thinking. particularly for the loops where he tried just sending a message and hoping that works#after sending dimple the tension of just lying there not knowing what will happen#I think the idea was dimple would come back after sending the message but of course the loop starts over before then#but the wait itself is excruciating. the suffocation of uncertainty#and then he’s suddenly waking up to a new day and the knowledge of what that means hits him#honestly I think there’s some tasty stuff to explore in terms of#obviously he doesn’t want to see reigen die but at the same time not being there to witness almost feels awful somehow too#like abandonment in a sense#other loops that I think would just be fun to see his thought process is. loop 16 I think?
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I made a post bout the skip button ending a while back and I deleted it a while ago but I desperately wanna redo it cause I’m interested in what others think but man I cannot find the words for it at all lmaoo
#delete later#LMAO I JUST REMEMBERED IT#I rlly should have saved a reblog to drafts before deleting it#but basically it was along the lines of#a person who feels trapped in a situation may see a solution and just go for it-#-before trying to find other solutions. and most of the time that solution might not be an actually good one#I still feel like I’m wording that wrong though#the concept of stanley seeing the skip button as the only means to escape this ending#and not directly as a way to truly hurt the narrator#because stanley is the one trapped in that room/in the parable#and in times of feeling trapped you may reach for an option that feels like your only hope#or a solution that gives you back some sort of control#so I think the portrayal of the skip button and the zending kinda speak to this idea in an odd way#the feeling of being trapped and seeing a way out and going for that without thinking#though in the end this is me very heavily projecting my own stuff onto these endings#because I’ve been in that position before a few times and I know what it’s like#it doesn’t mean your bad for doing it but I think some people don’t understand it well#it is essentially just me explaining rash decisions in serious situations#yeah stanley should have waited with the narrator but in moments of uncertainty-#-people react in their own ways. idk shrugs I still don’t know if I’m making sense or not#maybe I’ll just keep it here in the tags lol
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1. it’s my 24th birthday today, so my goal of being published by the time i’m 25 is now a one year looming monster, but i never specified what kind of published and am currently looking in various literary magazines that are recommended for writers who have yet to be published, so i’m surprisingly confident that i can make it work? and tbh even if whatever i write isn’t officially published before my 25th birthday, if i have someone in the process of being published then i’ll be happy!! no matter what though, i’m gonna try to be proud of myself for at least giving it my best shot!!
2. i honestly love that my birthday is on the ides of march because the ides of march meme shitposting is only a thing on tumblr but it also being my birthday makes it easier to like. be excited about the ides of march outside of tumblr. like even in person i can be like “it’s my birthday! i’m an ides of march babe (:” and if someone is like oh what’s that? or if they say something along the lines of oh like julius caesar? i can be like yep!! and even if it’s a small thing outside of tumblr it brings me immense enjoyment and amusement being able to bring it up off of tumblr
3. transportation situation has been very rough since june 2023 when i totalled my car, my gap insurance are being assholes and i ended up putting my foot down on the phone with them yesterday which i’m pretty proud of because i am NOT a confrontational person (something i’ve been working on this past year, so seeing some improvement with my ability to hold my ground and not be a pushover yesterday was very cool!!) i was told i’d get a response from them by friday next week no matter what, and if i don’t then friday of next week i will continue to wreak havoc upon them. but my moms car which i’ve been using since my accident broke down yesterday, hopefully it’s fixable but my parents were saying it might be done for, so trying to think of how i’m gonna get to work next week is kind of stressing me out lmao, but for now i’m just gonna focus on enjoying my birthday the best i can because i don’t want to start off being 24 with an overwhelming anxiety for something that won’t be a potential issue until monday. plus i already messaged my boss today to let her know that i’m going to do everything i can to make it work out but just so she’s in the loop and knows of the potential of me not being able to make my morning shifts (one of my coworkers said she’s more than happy to give me a ride for our afternoon shifts which does help relieve some of the stress!) and i told her i’d let her know for sure sunday so that if necessary she can have time to figure out someone to fill in for me in the mornings!
overall: life is weird and i ended being 23 yesterday with a shitty situation but a positive outlook and i am going to enjoy my first day of being 24 no matter what because honestly i fucking earned it. happy friday everyone, i hope it’s a good day for you and me both!
#aritalks#i did cry a little bit when i first woke up because i dont really know what to do about work and also i hate not having a car i can use#not only because of the work aspect but also getting my license when i was 18 gave me a freedom i didn’t have before#and i don’t like having to rely on other people just to like go to the fucking store or something yk#but then my best friend/roommate messaged me happy birthday and i was like fuck it! today is going to be a good day!#the stressful uncertainties can wait until tomorrow#also one of my best friends who hasn’t said happy birthday to me the past two years#(not intentionally im p sure they were just busy on my birthdays the past two years#and then had that moment of ‘oh shit i didnt send a message fuck i think its too late now’ which i totally get bc anxiety things yk)#was one of the first people to message me happy birthday!!#i’m also hoping to still be able to go see my mom and then stay the night at my dads tonight#so i can see both my parents and also my baby siblings for my birthday#my dads working today but after he texted happy birthday i sent him a text asking if he thinks we could still make it work#my mom is asleep still i think (she called me at midnight and left a voicemail singing happy birthday!! but her sleep schedule has been all#over the place recently so i’m waiting until 11:30 to call her which is in like 30 mins)#but she said something yesterday about driving out to me to give me a hug and also bring me my diabetes stuff that got delivered#(her house is my mailing address because i know it’s not going to change bc it’s my great grandparents house that she’s partially inhereting#when my great grandpa dies but since i have moved out of my dads my address has changed twice and i didnt have a mailbox at my last place so#just for the sake of consistency and not having to worry about important shit getting sent to the wrong address i’ve had her house as my#mailing address since i moved out of my dads at 19)#so i think i’m gonna ask her if she can just pick me up instead so i can go to her house w her and hang out with her#and hopefully my dad will be able to at least stop by with my siblings so i can see them too#i’d like to stay the night with them but if we can’t make it happen then i can also stay the night w my mom and hopefully tomorrow figure#out the car situation. might have to rent a car for a week if i can afford it? best case scenario is my moms car can be fixed but i still#dont know whats wrong with it ik there are two potential problems and one is fixable the other is not#the fixable one would cost like $150-$400 to fix depending on if we get a used part or a new one#if its $150-$200 ish i can probably afford to pay for the whole thing or at least most of it#but if its more than that hopefully my dad or one of my family members can help#and i can just pay them back in like $50 increments with my next few paychecks#just realized i said i wouldnt worry abt the car thing today and also i think im at tag limit to i’ll stop now lmao xoxo gossip girl ❤️
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I write emails to my future self and they always come as a surprise and either make me happy, disappointed, or bittersweet depending on where I was when I wrote it. I’m happy to report that today’s email, from 2 years ago today, has me feeling incredibly proud of myself because my life is so different and much much better than it was when I wrote it
#some things are the same like I’m still in school and I knew I would be at the time#but#I can literally hear the uncertainty and insecurity in how I wrote about myself at the time#granted I am still a very anxious and insecure person#but the difference is bizarre#and I’ve decided I can pat myself on the back for it#my posts#random#futureme#2024
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#ok now i’m just complaining but money is so tight it sucks i have so much i need to do#and i’ve had such a fun month and have a fun week ahead but it’s like summer is barreling forward and i’m looking over a cliff’s edge#of uncertainty. and it is absolutely imperative i have stable housing by dec - jan#if i end up being able to more or less couch surf and pay very little through the fall i could maybe rent an airbnb for 2 months in winter#or like. a month#i want to keep considering buying a house but i need to save more money first & i don’t want to scramble into that choice desperately#but there’s no reliable way to predict what’s will be available#i don’t think a choice you make backed into a corner is an actual choice yknow#also i owe a friend like 250 bucks rn bc we planned a bday trip and like 2/3rds of the group bailed and i’m just like. ah!!!#i almost made a doctors appointment earlier in the summer and i���m glad i didn’t at this point
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There are small quirks about me. Like if my stomach is cold, I’m 80% likely to get a stomachache in the next 30 minutes, or how my hands are pretty consistently warm, and when I start to get sick or feel ill my icy fingers are the first symptom. I’m self-conscious about how my legs look, but bulking up and putting on muscle makes me feel more okay with them. It’s all small stuff, everyone has similar things and they’re not quite unique, but observing them in myself makes me feel like an observable person instead of a zoned-out passenger in my own body going along with the path of least resistance. And it makes me feel more like me. (And I like it.)
#I still struggle with identity sometimes#strangely I’m more solid on the overarching stuff like gender/sexuality and don’t feel as much uncertainty there#but it’s the small stuff like what kind of music do I like and what ARE my hobbies#I talked about it way too much on this blog back then in the Before Times and I’m not trying to overshare#but I can’t describe how 100% set in stone my life practically was because it was expected to be decided for me#and I didn’t treasure myself enough to want better for me#(also why I bounce off of drone stuff specifically in hypnokink and doll stuff needs to be worded the right way)#feelings about perceiving and perception of myself as of late#I get uncomfortable sometimes when people perceive me in a way I don’t expect#because I think it forces me to confront the fact I don’t always feel solid in my own identity#so how are others seeing me exactly? what are they seeing?#because I’m not sure what I’m performing#anyway I haven’t done my nightly recordings in a long time so now YOU’RE getting my late night introspection lmao#personal
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Hmm
#idk how to feel about what essentially happened tonight & tim’s interview#because in some ways i’m glad they didn’t just slam the door shut but in some ways i wish they had#they still could next week tbf#my expectations are absolutely in the mud still but i’m already seeing my fellow bt shippers getting baited :/#i hope people don’t continue to watch the show JUST because of the uncertainty#because that is exactly how they get you (and how they continue to get bvddie shippers to this day)#at least ryan is nice enough to tell them how it is even if they don’t listen#this doesn’t change anything for me but it’s nice to know it might still be possible later?#honestly that quote reads more like they may bring him back for ‘closure’ rather than a reunion#but who knows lol#all i know is that i refuse to be baited#anyway
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actually i don’t careeee i don’t not careee if your club is being run terribly
#did you know people can be put on the board of a college club without understanding how any of it works. because i didn’t#like i said i would be secretary if you needed me to but if it’s going to be this weird back and forth uncertainty with bad communication#i’m not gonna do it. i do not care.#i do not care if you guys have no idea what you’re doing for the rest of the year it’s whatever.#i don’t need to put it on my resume that badly#🎱
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Simmering and simmering in anxiety bc tomorrow is job interview and I thought it was today and I called in for nothing today and I have to call in again tomorrow ahaha
#error rambles#AAAAAAAA#I HATE I HATE UNCERTAINTY#I don’t know if I will do well and in the end it doesn’t matter#like they won’t drag me out and kill me if I’m awkward#being turned down ain’t a big deal I still got a job#but I’m TERRIFIED#I hate interviews I freeze#and it’s so awkward#this is the kind of anxiety I just can’t talk myself out of#I have been practicing all evening and still#I stutter and stumble and sound so dumb and need to hold myself back from apologizing#I need this to be over so bad#I’ll take bpd spirals any day at least there’s not a looming thread it’s just constant and I can take measures to soothe it#I’m making myself sick thinking about interview it’s all I can think of#AASNDNRNNGNDKFKFKDMFM#ITLL BE FONE#PERHAPS MAYBE#YES ILL BE FONE UGH
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more of a rant than a vent but could be venty anyway idk i’m being annoyed at stuff tonight GKFHD
#i’m just gonna be complaining a bit tbh#i’m fine btw like i’m not in danger or anything#in case anyone was worried GKDHS#anyway school is RUDE#I don’t really know?? how i’m meant to start school again??#cause I burned out Hard last year and I haven't really gotten any better at all#in fact I think I got worse KHFKD#so the fact that I now have Even More pressure seems. unhelpful to say the least#I genuinely don't believe i’m gonna do remotely well right now#cause I have learnt the hard way that I can’t just soldier through#cause I have tried that and I have Failed#I do have. what Might be help#in the vague future#because whilst the uk health system is free it is Severely underfunded and takes so long for anything to happen#and what does happen is enormously unhelpful most of the time#we have gone private but that's still taking weeks and weeks to even hear back#so I don’t actually know if i’m gonna get any outside support for like. months at best#honestly my least favourite part of this is all the uncertainty#because if anything is mildly uncertain I Will catastrophise#my dad does exactly the same thing GKFHS#I think I got Most of this from my dads side#cause both him and my nanan (his mum) are on antidepressants#and we're so sure he's the reason both me and my sibling have autism cause he has All the symptoms I do#anyway i’m Unsure about the future and that's like the most annoying thing i could be#but ig ill just see what happens??#hopefully it won't suck#wren wrambles#vent#rant#its probably more venty than ranty just based on the context
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