#I still struggle with identity sometimes

[arihi]

There are small quirks about me. Like if my stomach is cold, I’m 80% likely to get a stomachache in the next 30 minutes, or how my hands are pretty consistently warm, and when I start to get sick or feel ill my icy fingers are the first symptom. I’m self-conscious about how my legs look, but bulking up and putting on muscle makes me feel more okay with them. It’s all small stuff, everyone has similar things and they’re not quite unique, but observing them in myself makes me feel like an observable person instead of a zoned-out passenger in my own body going along with the path of least resistance. And it makes me feel more like me. (And I like it.)

[cdroloisms]

Oh I was just haunted by jmah!Dream’s deteriorating mental state

:C my BOYYY

and it's awful, too, because it's not like Dream is in a particularly good state of mind when the prison starts in the first place. and he's in here because he's terrified (and he's in here as punishment) and he's in here because even though Sam hates him--and he's ensured that Sam hates him, and he's planning to do more to make sure of that fact as well (in canon, c!Dream is talking to c!Sam 'all about exile' in those first few days)--Sam will do his job. he trusts him to do his job. he knows Sam, the man that he's worked with for the last month on this project, on making sure this prison is as secure as it can possibly be, one of the final few people to work with him before the events of the green festival, doomsday, staged finale etc. made sure he'd stand alone, just where he was supposed to. this is a Dream that's already been swimming in the lava before Sam travels back in time.

unlike Sam's betrayal in canon, there's nothing slow about what happens in JMAH. there's no ability for him to cope and go yeah, Sam's being kind of serious, but it's no big deal, yeah, this place kind of sucks, but it's survivable, yeah, there's some mistreatment, but I expected that. in an instant, Sam goes from a predictable cog in the machine meant to keep him alive into a stranger hellbent on torturing the fuck out of him, and he has no idea why. Sam is nowhere near as straightforward as Quackity in explaining what the hell he wants out of Dream--he asks for the book, sure, but also for information, also for complete obedience, also for explanations for things he shouldn't know and punishments for things he never did. there is no promise that the revive book will end anything, for this Dream, and no one to give him anything at all but the Warden.

just ,, the lengths to which this Sam is willing to go, the intensity of his obsession, the way he'd be left reeling with no choice other than to endure and wonder why breaks my heart. Dream has no fucking clue to what end this is all for, and i think he struggles a lot with that. worse than just the torture, perhaps, is the familiarity, the sparks of something that is almost fondness, the satisfaction in Sam's voice when he's gotten something and Dream isn't even sure what he's just given away--and maybe it'd be easier to understand if what Sam wanted from him were any more straightforward, if the desire could pan out as something as simple as sadistic pleasure at hurting him or deriving some kind of gratification from making him submit or wanting power or to eliminate a threat or anything, but all that is clear is that Sam wants something from him and will stop at nothing to get it.

c!Dream and identity is already a finicky thing as well as his whole complex about himself and evil--c!Dream thinks he's a person that does evil things to achieve good ends, but he struggles pretty heavily, honestly, with himself-as-evil and being viewed as evil-and-just-evil and actually being the tyrant-villain-monster-snake-that-just-bites, etc, which means that there is a level of vulnerability here when it comes to how he sees himself and builds his identity and the constant, relentless onslaught of . pain and torture combined with Sam justifying it all by Who He Is Innately and monologuing about how he deserves it all, because c!Dream isn't a person that doesn't think that punishment as a concept is wrong and doesn't necessarily disagree that he's evil either. and again. torture self harm box of mental illness. and part of the problem with a Sam that's fresh from Daedalus and then thrust into kind of the worst possible position of reflecting on those conversations by being in a place where he's able to fall hard on old habits to copium his way out of dealing with anything he personally might have done (because obviously he can just Fix It Now) while also having the additional cope of i-am-godsent-to-make-everything-better BY keeping dream in a box, you kind of get a situation where both Dream and Sam are psychologically in pretty vulnerable places and then you're taking a torture machine hammer to those stress points. so it's fun.

i have no clue if that last paragraph made any kind of sense btw.

but ... yeah. even for any character in any kind of state the insane torture contraption of torture efficiency would be. erm. extremely damaging to one's mental health, to say the least. the only good thing for dream i guess is that sam still has his head too far up his own ass to actually git gud at conditioning anyone deliberately and is therefore still largely skating by By Accident, because otherwise his head would've been even more blendered than it already gets.

[deathepicx]

did gender shit is so fucking confusing like im not a trans dude but sometimes i genuinely feel like... just a boy. and sometimes im a girl at the same time and then another day im just a girl and then another im fucking nothing and use they/them and i fucking hate it.

[autumnrory]

one thing about me is even if i hated the book i just read i will still be defending the main character while all the goodreads reviewers go on about how whiny and selfish she is

[theirwolfbicanthrope]

also if anyone has urban fantasy, high fantasy, and/or monster romance book recs that really break down the gender binary I would be most appreciative!

[danothan]

Is one of the characters literally just called waitress and nothing else what is going on 😭

it’s a running joke that no one ever remembers her (even tho she’s the only minor character that has appeared in every season) so they call her the waitress

as the audience, we don’t know her name either, but there was a hint in mac bangs the waitress where she and mac are searching for her sex tape thru dennis’s alphabetized collection, and she tells mac that he’s not going to find her name towards the end (he finds it under W for “waitress”). also in dee sinks in a bog, there are a few names dee throws out that the waitress denies, so we can cross some off the list

it’s a somewhat popular hc that her name is mary bc the actress is mary elizabeth ellis (married to charlie day whose character is also named after him), but i personally like to think her name is charlotte! just bc there is only One chardee in my mind, and it’s not the one with charlie (plus, she just Looks like a charlotte, doesn’t she?)

[eelslippers]

I've seen memes within the trans community about fall out new vegas being a trans media and I recently started playing it for the first time and I don't think it's a coincidence that now I'm thinking about my gender identity again

[piracyandpumpturns]

every day i ask myself “am i genderqueer or do i simply not percieve gender in relation to myself”

[lavenoon]

Hello, I snuck some time to read and AHHHHH! So many little things that I love about all this! Robin does need that time to figure stuff out, even though it probably hurt them a lot to do it by themselves, and we see some of the consequences in the dream in Lingering Concern.

It's something I really love about them actually! They are really bold and reckless sometimes, and super confident, but the points in which they are insecure can be crushing to them. And it would make sense that usually they don't see the need to deal with those (or maybe even notice them) because of the nature of their job and how they were pretty isolated before the boys' arrival, but now they are hit with all the force of it and the fact that they do not handle it well at all after all. In the end, the three of them ended up unintentionally hurting each other, and all of them have their regrets, but they are on their way to mend it all now, at least!

I also liked how the accident Sun and Moon were in is sort of symbolic in a way! Things, literally and metaphorically, blew up in their faces, and sure, perhaps with enough time they could all heal by themselves, but it's together that they can achieve it faster. They all really needed to hear they hadn't made the other hate them.

I loved that Sun was quick to not let them keep apologizing and blaming themself by pointing out the funny coincidences XD Immediately letting his cheeky self show too haha! Also, really loved the "They are both me" line! Not only because it's a good way for Moon to make a point, but also I squinted a little wondering if perhaps it was a way to confirm about his particular worry. Asking if it's Robin or y/n whose more real, because he still was hurt by thinking Robin might actually not like him at all and the sweet neighbor got the "true" opinion on the matter. But now they all know! And even though there are more things to address, at least they can be assured that there's no need to run or hide and they can work on them together!

Amazing work as always, Luce!

HEHE glad you found the time!! <3

It certainly wasn't an ideal situation - but it was the way they had to figure it out. That's just how things are sometimes, and it's just the fallout they set themself up for, their only two pillars of support being who they need distance from to process!

And yup! Reminder to reread Lingering Concern, because now you guys have all the context! <3

Y/N was super isolated, and they didn't even think it's an issue - that's a lot of trust issues and loneliness they repressed, and it all comes back to hit them in the face when they go back to that after having close friends for the first time in years, plus the added anxiety about everything else! AU is just a long elaborate story that ends with "everyone gets a family" <3

AND YES YES THANK YOU I am so proud of the theme of the bomb - almost unreasonably, maybe. Shrapnel for the immediate reaction, Settling Dust for the slightly calmer outlook, Landmine for when things surprisingly get even worse, and then First Aid (where the actual bomb goes off) gets actual first aid - for all the emotional and physical consequences!

Sun was a tad more forgiving with Y/N - Moon got to be a little snappy, a bit harsher - but he didn't see them literally burst through the door and then collapse into tears of relief upon seeing him again. It's a big dose of reassurance, and for Sun that just means he really doesn't need to linger with all the guilt and regret. Of course they still talk - get some things out, clear up misunderstandings. But most importantly for him is the assurance that Y/N doesn't want them to leave. His anxiety is about the future.

Moon needed to hear that they do know him, that he knows them, and that he doesn't have to reassess all they went through together. Of course he's also worried about the future - but only because he's not sure he can trust the past. They address their specific worries, and Y/N gets the full dose of everything. Their boys won't leave, and they always cared <3

Glad it hit the spot! It was tons of fun writing it, or I wouldn't have gotten lost in the word count like that GFDHSJ

[cruelsister-moved2]

almost every Gay Debate amounts to like people who’ve experienced extremes on one side unaware of the existence of an equally bad extreme on the other side & therefore unaware that what they actually want is balance and common sense in general rather than a certain Stance to one side or the other but anyway. it is FINE to not want to date someone who isn’t out. it is never okay to expect or demand someone else come out on your behalf, but your partner not being out impacts you as well, and impacts your relationship, and not everyone handles that well and not everyone wants to. as with EVERY other relationship boundary its just a case of drawing a line that looks like “this is not something I want for myself right now so if that’s where you’re at i’m not going to pursue this relationship” rather than an ultimatum that demands the person obliges ur needs

[jules-hoard-of-stuff]

Stop feeling bad about my identity challenge

[ectoplasmer]

squinting really hard at that egogender label again

[groovygrub]

ok but like

it's important to recognize that sometimes adhd/neurodivergence leads you to do things that your brain *does* interpret as fun or good! and that's perfectly ok!! it doesn't make you any less disabled, any less adhd/autistic/neurodivergent. it doesn't make your executive dysfunction any less real or your struggles any less valid. you can struggle to do something and be in need of emotional support while *also* experiencing some enjoyment from the activities that distract you. that's literally just how the neurodivergent brain operates, my comrade in suffering 💙

[nomonit]

Just because it's a hyperfixation that probably won't last long doesn't make it any less significant

Just because it's a hyperfixation that probably won't last long doesn't make it any less significant

Just because it's a hyperfixation that probably won't last long doesn't make it any less significant

[vashievoidz]

Being a fictive is so stupid because why am I having devastating emotions over someone who doesn't exist. Insane to be feeling real genuine grief over someone that I am aware isn't real, like how does that even .. work..

I've been teary eyed all day and genuinely distressed and upset even at work. Work usually helps distract me cause I'm doing stuff, but no matter how hard I tried to focus on my tasks I still just kept thinking about how much I miss him. Like it feels just SO real to me, the feelings are real, the memories are there, but I am well aware I never truly experienced any of that and it's just so crazy how that even happens. Why do I have memories of things that never happened, even things that aren't canon to my source??

Another thing that's so wild is that I get phantom pains in the spots that I have scars and stuff in my source. My arm often aches and sometimes even legitimately HURTS, but this body has all of its limbs attached, it has almost no scars, and yet.. I still feel it all. The brain is such a strange and powerful thing. Fucked up that it can make me feel these things and I don't get it. Also fucked up that I'm the only fictive in our system that goes through this level of pain. Like the others do have their issues of course and do have memories of things too, but it doesn't affect them even close to how it is for me. Aauaghh augh

[streetsandsodiumlights]

(tags from @no-1-rosalind-lang-apologist)

By the way "some aroace people still date and have sex" and "it's weird how internet spaces makes every single aroace character romance and sex favourable" can and should co-exist. Sincerely, an aroace person