#I HATE I HATE UNCERTAINTY

[esto-es-un-error]

Simmering and simmering in anxiety bc tomorrow is job interview and I thought it was today and I called in for nothing today and I have to call in again tomorrow ahaha

[rimatsu]

tommy kinard i want to cut your brain open and study you. "no matter how bad i want to be, i'm not your last," he said with unshakable certainty, spoken with the dogmatism of someone convinced he can never be enough. and there's arrogance in there too, like the seven years of experience he has under his belt make him infinitely wiser, omniscient enough that he looked buck in the eyes and told him that he was misinterpreting the feelings residing in the private office of his own mind. the same man who gave buck ample room to explore his identity without judgement or pressure also told him 'you don’t actually know what you want, even if you think you mean it.' tommy's a coward, he's brave, he rebuilt himself, but self-preservation is still his first instinct and his fears cloud his own myopic judgment <3

[bread-wizards]

I think that Orym actually does doubt Imogen, but this isn't a thing that is unique to Imogen. Orym doubts all of them to an extent, because paranoia is something he struggles with (and this is continuously reinforced by the story).

It's not a 'good' thing that he should never get over, nor is it an immoral character flaw that proves he actually hates Imogen. However it's also not something I think he can get over as long as the threat of having to possibly fight his friends exists.

"I have all the faith in the world in you guys, all of you. And I have also spent time thinking how to neutralize each of you."

[itspileofgoodthings]

one big thing I’ve learned by 29 is that the Plan, the God’s Plan of it all I mean, is bigger than me and not just bigger than me but also bigger than my understanding of narrative threads and their limitations. And it’s bigger even than just a simple paradox, turning-on-their-head thing way of being bigger. It’s just so vast. And there is so much room for surprise and possibility and hope in that reality.

[makenna-made-this]

Having a chronic illness in the american healthcare system like

[wheniseeyoucry]

I keep replaying our moments, trying to find where it all went wrong. Was I blind to the truth? Or was I just hoping for so long that love would be enough to keep us together?

[strikeslip]

I've been comforting people by telling them how fascism burns itself out, pointing at the history of Germany and Argentina and saying "Ten years. Try to make it ten years." I have not been telling them that Putin's been in power for 26 years, nor have I been pointing out that Francoist Spain lasted 39 years, nor have I talked about the general reinforcement of dictatorships and kleptocracy around the world. The city I live in has been doing crony capitalism for far longer than the alt-right's been around. We, the human race, do not have a fix for these sorts of organizational problems.

There's a bad century coming, with agriculture not ready for climate change, with whole parts of the world ready to go mostly-uninhabitable and with plenty of anger ready and waiting for all the migration that'll be triggered by that. We don't know how people will react to Europe going cold after the AMOC collapse, we don't know how people will react when coastlines around the world go under (China and India's coasts are of particular concern here since they have the most people), and we don't know what it'll look like when the Middle East starts to hit black flag temperatures on the regular and it becomes impossible to step outside for any extended time. There's nowhere to run, and all the governments coming to power on the promises that they can make it better are going to be flailing around desperately as it turns out you can't persuade or bribe an ocean current.

And on the other hand, maybe we'll get fusion working and free energy will revolutionize greenhouse farms. Maybe everyone will have temperature controlled buildings, we'll build water purification plants, and geoengineer swaths of the world to adjust temperature via solar reflection. Maybe the various demographic crashes will rewild massive swaths of land and biotech will bring us new crops and extinct animals and vaccines for cancer and the common cold. Maybe we'll have all those things and the migration and the anger all at once. People are afraid; people are right to be afraid.

If I keep my head down and get lucky, I still expect to lose my social security (and any chance of a comfortable retirement), to lose more than a few of my friends (to distance or otherwise), to need to make it through hurricanes and floods and droughts, to lose access to a great deal of the information I've enjoyed for so much of my life, and to live in fear for many years. I expect riots and repression. In the worst cases, I'm worried about military drafts and rationing and related corruption. I dream of a house with a basement of supplies and a guest room to rent out, to shield myself from these things, but I fear being trapped by investment in a single place. And like so many other people, I'm alone or mostly alone. There's a community or two I'd like to join, but even when I attend their events, I stand on the outskirts and can't see a way in. I'm stubborn; I'll keep trying and likely make some progress eventually, but all the big feelings are outside my range of experience and people can tell. I will always be something of an alien, something of an outsider. Something of an acceptable loss.

People are afraid; people are right to be afraid. And I'm right there with them. I only wish I could see a solution.

[rickybaby]

“I don’t think it’s fully sunk in …”

[amelinah]

Honestly, being a Franco Colapinto fan is so difficult. Because after all the cancellation attempts, all the hate, the whole dating la China thing, what do you mean now we have a pregnancy scare? Can I get a moment of peace? I thought watching him race was the most stressful part of supporting him. I was so wrong.

[atalana]

god i wish medical trauma was more recognised as a Thing, especially among people who are frequently the cause of it

like, i've been chronically ill for 9 years. been seeing doctors about it all that time, because if i don't check in at least every three months to make sure the ball is rolling on a 'solution' i don't qualify for disability benefits anymore (and i definitely can't work even really part time)

the last specialist i got sent to to find a solution was not only extremely unhelpful in general, but got frustrated at the fact that they couldn't get an accurate reading of my heart rate bc whenever i'm in a hospital it shoots way up and there's nothing i can do about that (a doctor in the past tried leaving me alone for an hour to 'calm down', did not work)

and currently im nearing the end of a deadline my government caseworker has assigned me to find a therapist, bc while she's slowly coming round on the idea that there is nothing medically to be done at this point (wish my gp would do the same), i still have to be shown to be 'making progress', or they're legally not allowed to continue my payments

and her reason for why therapist is i have started crying at least once in most of our sessions, so clearly i can't be happy

except like. in order for me not to have to pay out of pocket for a therapist, which i definitely can't afford, i have to be able to prove the therapy is medically necessary (ie related to my disability)

and i've also had bad experiences with therapists in the past who when i've said i don't know why i'm here (bc i genuinely didn't, i just knew something was wrong), have responded with "well if you won't work with me i can't help you"

and i'm scared of that happening again bc i don't know if there's anything we can work on, because i know the answer to all of these problems

which is "if you spend nine years having to give complete strangers full access to your body to do whatever they like on a regular basis, plus once a year you have your entire livelihood scrutinised to make sure you 'deserve' the money you need to live, and if you refuse any of that you can't afford rent or groceries, you might find that a little upsetting"

(and even though i could maybe find a therapist specialising in that kind of trauma, i also know enough about human brains to know if there's anything that can be done to heal trauma while the trauma is still happening, i have probably figured it out in the decade i've had to become an expert on this)

but i don't know whose egos i'm going to trample if i can ever find the courage to say that out loud to the people causing these problems, so i can't really afford to take that risk

and it's just like. if you really wanted to solve my 'happiness' the solution is to leave me the fuck alone

[ghostzzy]

me: fuck what a day

the clock: 1:07pm

[phagodyke]

still can't get my head around the fact this private prescriber earns more in 15 mins than I do in an entire day of work. and I'm expected to be the one paying into her salary

[i-still-mask-because]

I'm claiming "Good Luck, Babe!" for us covid cautious lovers.

[kairithemang0]

”I want friends” <- eventually hates every friend he ever has

[kangals]

potential puppy in the forecast for mid-late Feb - nowhere close to a sure thing, but the best chance that I’ve found so far 🤞🤞🤞

[dionysus-complex]

went on a fairly long walk today to meet a friend for coffee and then got home only to remember a piece of mail that needed to go out today and so I grabbed it and dashed up the street to get to the post office before closing and on the one hand the outdoor exercise felt great since I've been cooped up in my apartment for a week. but on the other hand it's literally impossible to know right now whether the air here is safe to breathe and the AQI is solidly normal and there's no visible smoke in the air and the fires have definitely died down but I keep seeing things that are like "don't trust the AQI" so idk man did I ruin my lungs permanently? hope not but it feels genuinely impossible to know and I have to go on with my life