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builtbybrokenbells · 2 years ago

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Hate To Love You | ii

Read part one here

Read part three here

Pairing: Sam Kiszka x f!reader

Word Count: 8.3k

Warnings: SMUT 18+, female masturbation, slight touch of (consenting!!) voyeurism, fingering (f!receiving), dirty talk, a bit of choking, unprotected sex (god please wear protection, im sorry i keep doing this), sex in a sort of kinda public place, shower sex, continuing to have sex while someone is talking to you ? Idk what that’s called but yeah, that, swearing, talking about toxic ex’s, fluff, angst, love triangle shit, sad Danny and Sammy (very much deserves a warning), sorry if I missed anything!

without further ado, here’s part two! Hope you enjoy :) also fair warning that this is actually kind of filthy by times 😭 I’m unsure of where that came from, but anyway. beware, this kind of has emotions all over the place. also disclaimer, I set this up as a terrible situation right from the beginning because for some reason i literally live for writing angst. i only started this fic bc i knew how i wanted it to end. it’s a character flaw now ig. please be kind and don’t mind any grammar mistakes!!

Your heart drummed in your chest as your hand slipped around the doorknob, opening the door and sliding through the crack. You let out a sigh of relief when the latch clicked behind you with no interruptions. See, the plan was that there was no plan. Just you and Sam inconspicuously sneaking off at different times and hoping nobody would notice that you’d both magically disappeared without a trace. So far, it had worked out in your favour. And if it hadn’t, nobody had said anything yet. It definitely wasn’t the smartest course of action, but it was the one you were going with. You decided you would reap the consequences when they made themselves known.

You took a seat on the couch of Sam’s dressing room, crossing your legs and leaning into the arm. Their set finished in five minutes, which was your cue to get moving. In no way were you willing to be caught sneaking into his room by one of his brothers after they got off stage. You checked your phone to see if you had any missed messages, but the screen was blank. You pulled up your camera, checking your hair and makeup to make sure you looked good. You sighed as you clicked your screen shut, tapping your fingers against the leather of the sofa with growing impatience.

The boys has started a small tour, just for about a month, and it was wrapping up in the next week. But, the month had been too long for your liking. It had been weeks since you’d seen Sam, or any of the others, for that matter. They had a show booked for a venue a few cities over from where you were living. You had managed to convince their tour manager, which you’d met a few times in the past, to sneak you in the back door so you could surprise Sam. Guilt was creeping up on you for not telling Danny about your arrival, but you were desperate to see the boy who’d been occupying your mind for weeks on end. You loved your best friend, but Sam had somehow wormed his way into your heart and showed no signs of leaving. He consumed almost every one of your thoughts. He’d been plaguing your phone with messages of missing you, and some rather provocative voice messages and photographs. He was making sure you wouldn’t forget about him. Little did he know, it wasn’t even a possibility that you could. So, you packed up for the weekend when the chance arose, just so you could curb the need for his company for a few more days.

So far, to the best of your knowledge, he had no idea. Before you’d arrived that night, Sam had texted you his daily countdown of how many days were left until he could see you. You were quite confident that you were still in the clear. One thing you hadn’t really thought out was how you were going to leave the venue without anyone knowing you’d been in there. And also, how the hell you were going to sneak in and out of his hotel room. You’d worry about that later, though. All you were concerned with was seeing the boy who’d been occupying your mind every night for weeks on end.

You’d fully intended on telling everyone about your’s and Sam’s new found relationship the night it had begun. Somewhere along the lines, the plan was lost in translation. The sneaking around had become thrilling, to say the least. Pretending to hate each other like usual, but sneaking off to a bathroom to make out, sneaking touches when no one was looking or from under the table, or leaving parties ten minutes after each other to go back to Sam’s place, was kind of hot. Plus, the idea of growing the relationship together first, making sure it would last before announcing it to everyone seemed most logical in your brain. But, above all, you were terrified of hurting Danny by telling him. Realistically, you knew deep down it might hurt him more by hiding it, but you were terrified of being the person to cause him any sort of pain. This had been dragging on for months now, no end in sight.

You were jolted back to reality when you had heard laughing and shuffling from the hallway. You immediately sat up, straightening yourself out. You couldn’t hide the smile on your lips, practically vibrating with excitement. You were eager to see his reaction when he came in. When the doorknob twisted, your heart could have exploded. The door pushed open and Sam stepped inside, not noticing you immediately. The door fell shut behind him with a thud. He was glistening with sweat, hair sticking to his neck, shirtless and barefoot. You had to stop yourself from giggling at the sight.

“Great show you put on, Sammy. Think I’d be able to get an autograph?” You asked sweetly. His head snapped up, eyes wide with shock. It took him a moment to process what was in front of him.

“Y/n?” He asked, still barely believing you were there. You jumped up, running over to him. He picked you up in a hug, kissing you as if it was the last time he ever would. You didn’t care if he was sweaty, you were just happy you were finally back in his arms. “What are you doing here?” He questioned, still holding you. Your legs were wrapped around him, his hands supporting your bum.

“I couldn’t wait any longer to see you, and I pulled some strings at work.” You whispered, kissing him again. It was soft, but imminent, showing him all the emotion you had pent up since he left. “I missed you so much, Sammy.” You whispered against his lips.

“You have no idea how much I missed you.” He said, resting his forehead on yours. “Does anyone else know you’re here?” He asked, gently letting you back down to the ground. You shook your head.

“As much as I love everyone else, I just needed to see you.” He understood what you meant, feeling the same way. “I drove here, so maybe I can just sneak out and meet you at your hotel once you get there?” You asked, hopeful. For the first time so far, sneaking around was much less than hot and way more of a pain in the ass.

“I mean, yeah, if you’d like to do that, we can.” He said, brushing some stray hairs from your eyes. “As long as I get to sleep next to you tonight, I’ll be happy.” He admitted. You couldn’t agree more.

“I just wanted to surprise you, I didn’t really think it all out too much. Five days just seemed so long.” You laughed, feeling a little dumb.

“That’s okay,” he rushed out “I’m more than happy to see you, trust me.” He let his fingers trail over your jaw, then down your neck and landing his palm on the back of your neck. He pulled you in for another kiss, much hungrier than the last. You could feel the shift in the dynamic before it was even over. “Bathroom, now.” He ordered once he’d pulled away. The sweet side vanished, quickly overpowered by desire.

“Why?” You cocked an eyebrow, challenging him.

“Because you’re going to get in the shower with me, and I’m going to fuck you.” He stated, simply. His eyes showed no hint of joking.

“I don’t want to ruin my hair and makeup. I prettied myself up just for you.” You smirked, knowing your disobedience to the order would get him going. “Don’t you want to appreciate it, first?”

“Oh, I have.” He paused, eyes looking you up and down. “I’m not going to say it again; go to the bathroom and take your clothes off.” He growled. You tilted your head to the side, staying in place, a sweet smile stuck on your lips. You always found it fun to mess with him. He was already tired of waiting for you, his patience never really existing in the first place.

“Make me.” Your cheekiness was quickly brought to a halt when he reached up, taking your throat in his hand. He was careful not to apply too much pressure, still terrified to hurt you in any way. He smiled, admiring the look on your face. He caught your lips in a kiss before tightening his grip slightly.

“I don’t think you want me to have to do that, sweetheart.” He whispered. You gave a nod, feeling your arousal pooling between your legs. “Now get in there and take your fucking clothes off.” You weren’t sure if Sam had normally been dominant in the bedroom, or if it was an extension of your relationship dynamic from almost the entire time you’d known him. Either way, you weren’t complaining.

He let you go, putting a little force behind it as he did so. You stopped yourself from stumbling and turned on your heels quickly, making your way to the bathroom without another word. You wasted no time ridding your clothes from your body, leaning against the counter to wait for him. You heard shuffling in the other room, presumably just Sam straightening some things out before he joined you. Your mind wandered to what he was going to do with you once he got you in the shower. You were out of your mind with anticipation; you had no idea how you went so long without having sex before Sam. Now that you were with him, it was all you wanted to do.

You couldn’t help but let your thoughts consume you, reaching a hand down between your legs for some type of satisfaction. You ran your fingers through your wetness, spreading it up to your clit, rubbing small circles. A gasp fell from your lips as you did so, but you couldn’t help but wish it was Sam’s fingers instead. You found yourself lost in the moment, not even noticing when the door opened until you heard someone speak. “You couldn’t even wait for me, princess?” A disapproving tone broke you from your concentration you quickly moved your hand, embarrassed to be caught. Sam moved towards you, now only clad in a pair of boxers. He grabbed your arm, roughly putting your fingers back to where they were before he’d interrupted. “I didn’t tell you to stop.” He reminded.

You watched him, cheeks flushed, trying to process what he was saying. His jaw was hard set, clearly worked up himself. Slowly, you returned to touching yourself, waiting for his approval. He took a step back, allowing himself full view. His breath caught in his throat. “Get up on the counter.” He demanded. You did as you were told without question, placing your hands on the cool surface and hoisting yourself up. You watched him watch you, feeling a knot form in your stomach. It had been far too long since he’d seen you like this. You placed your hands between your legs once more, but feeling a bit nervous being on display. “Don’t be shy, baby.” He said, reaching out and spreading your legs for you. “You wouldn’t have been touching yourself in here if you didn’t want me to catch you.” He said. Your eyes fluttered up to meet his. “Am I wrong?” You shook your head ‘no’. Although it wasn’t your original intent, a small part of you definitely wanted him to walk in on you. “Use your words.” He demanded.

“No, Sammy.” You said softly, feeling the anxiety slipping away.

“That’s what I thought.” His voice was gravelly. You could tell by his tone he was trying not to take you right there, but he was a bit too cocky to give in so quickly. “Get yourself off.” He ordered.

“Sam-“ you began to protest, but he cut you off.

“Shut up.” He snapped. You stopped, immediately scared that he wouldn’t allow you an orgasm at all. I said, get yourself off.” His hand was still on your knee. Although his tone was harsh, the loving circles he’d been tracing into your skin assured you it was an act. “Then, I’ll make you cum.” He assured you. “I just want to see how you did it while I was gone. Did you think of me?”

“Mmhmm.” You mumbled softly, picking up the pace in which you were rubbing yourself. “Wished it was you every time.” You mumbled.

“Oh so it was more than once?” Arrogance was radiating from him, but you couldn’t help but watch him with nothing but admiration. “Answer me, beautiful.” He said palming himself through his boxers.

“All of the time.” You answered truthfully. You let in a sharp inhale, feeling yourself getting close to your climax.

“I can’t wait to fuck you.” He admitted, hand trailing up your bare thigh. You could tell he was struggling not to touch you.

“You gonna show me how much you missed me, Sammy?” You wanted to put on a show for him, hooking your leg around his waist and pulling him closer to you. He let out a groan at your actions, tightening his fingers around your leg. “Are you gonna fuck me?”

“Don’t worry about what I’m going to do.” He spat, still rubbing himself, trying to get some relief. “Just worry about you. I’m getting impatient. If you don’t hurry up you may not get to cum at all.” You did as he said, quickening your pace and adding your fingers to the mix with your unoccupied hand. “That’s it, gorgeous.” He sighed, his eyes focused on your cunt. With the added stimulation of your other hand, you were painfully close to your climax. You threw your head back, closing your eyes and letting out a moan. Sam acted fast, grabbing your face in his hand and forcing your head back down. “Look at me. I want to watch you.” The statement caused your hands to stutter.

With his eyes locked on yours, gaze unwavering, you gave into the pleasure. Your orgasm hit you hard, way harder than it had in the past weeks. His eyes hardened, scared if he looked away from you, you’d disappear. Your own eyes rolled back in your head as you rode the high, desperate for air. “S-sammy!” You stuttered, almost as if you were praying to him.

“That’s it, baby.” He muttered, bringing your lips to his. He was painfully hard, already planning on getting you right off the counter into the shower. When he pulled away, you removed your hands from yourself, to which he immediately replaced them with his own. A strangled cry came from your mouth as his calloused fingertips brushed over your overly sensitive clit, but he didn’t stop.

“Sam, please,” you pleaded, trying to push his hands away.

“Stop it, you’re fine.” And he was right, you were. After a few moments of unbearable sensitivity, the euphoric feeling had hit you ten times harder. You were practically screaming your noises of pleasure, only fuelling him further. “Come on, princess.” He whispered, working his fingers into you. “I want you to cum like that for me.” And you did, clenching around his hand while crying his name. Tears were welling in your eyes as your legs shook, hips locked in a solid position. Your throat was hoarse, and you were sure the entire venue would have heard you if not for the concrete walls.

Just when you thought he would coddle you, maybe pull you in for a kiss, he removed himself from you completely. He walked to the shower, flicking the tap on. He threw his boxers away hastily and returned to your side. He didn’t utter a word as he picked you up. “Legs around me, now.” He ordered. You did as best you could to obey, barely being in the conscious mind. He stepped into the shower, still holding you, and pressed your back against the wall. The cool tile felt nice on your warm skin. He supported you with one hand while lining himself up with you with his other. He pulled you down on him, eliciting a groan from you. “Fuck I missed you,” he muttered, withdrawing his hips slightly and pushing himself back in. He stayed slow in that position, wanting to enjoy being close to you again without getting too intense. His head was buried in your neck, whispering sweet nothings while he sucked and bit marks into your skin.

“I love you, Sammy.” You mumbled, so fucked out you were barely aware of what you were saying. He paused his movement entirely, pulling his head away from you. “Oh my god, I’m sorry, I-I didn’t-“ you rushed out, finally coming to your senses. When he dropped you to your feet, your stomach churned with anxiety. He didn’t say a word, but watched you meticulously. You were starting to panic, tears rushing to your eyes. “I’ll just… I’m gonna g-go.” You excused yourself, making a move to get out of the shower. He grabbed your waist, his fingers searing into your skin. He pushed you against the wall of the shower so your chest was flush, but pulled your hips back towards him.

“Say it again.” He barked, his hand now gripping your shoulder. He lined himself back up with you.

“What?” You questioned, unsure of what was going on.

“Fucking say it again.” He hissed.

“I- I love you, Sam.” You said with more certainty. He pushed himself into you, moving his hand to your hip. The steam from the heat of the shower was filling your senses, sending you back into euphoria as he started to fuck you again.

“Again.” He pleaded, all tones of assertion gone, replaced with a touch of desperation.

“I love you, Sammy.” You repeated, confident this time. His hips sped, pushing your face into the tile with every thrust. Something had taken over him, he was more animalistic with you than he’d ever been. You were driving him crazy by saying it. He leaned down, leaving love bites all over your shoulders, gripping you so hard you were sure he’d leave bruises. You let out a blissful moan as he hit your g-spot. He continued on at that angle, loving the noises you’d been making for him.

A knock sounded at the door just as you were both reaching your peak. You expected him to pull out, or at least slow down, but he continued on. “Brother?” Someone called out from the other side of the door.

“Yeah?” Sam yelled back, voice unfaltering.

“You okay, man? You’ve been in there for a while. We’re getting ready to head to the bar.” You could recognize the voice as Josh’s. You had been trying to stay as silent as possible, but Sam did not make it easy. He’d slipped his hand around to the front of you, fingers dancing over your already abused clit.

“Yeah, I’m fine. Just don’t feel too good, don’t know what hit me.” He lied so effortlessly that even you could have believed him if not for him being inside of you.

“Oh, okay, man. You think you’re gonna join us? Should we wait up?” He questioned. A whimper fell from your lips as he had hit the perfect spot. His free hand clamped around your mouth.

“No, you guys can go. I’ll be done here soon, then I’ll probably go to the hotel and call it an early night.” You couldn’t understand how his voice was so steady. You chalked it up to him singing and talking while he jumped around on stage.

“Okay, text us if you change your mind and we’ll let you know where we are.” Josh yelled.

“Will do!” Sam answered. He waited a moment until he heard the bang of the main door shutting, then he removed his hand from your mouth.

“What the fuck was that, Sam?” You whispered, still scared Josh would overhear you.

“You certainly weren’t complaining.” He muttered, slamming his hips back into you. You let out a gasp. “Actually, I think you’re gonna cum.” He said, smugly. He was correct. Damn him for knowing your body too well. He swirled his fingers over your clit a few more times before you unravelled, slurring out profanities. “That’s it, baby.” Sam groaned, not far behind you. “Tell me you love me again.” He ordered once you can down from your high.

“I love you.” You said softly, no tone of arrogance or anything other than honesty. He took a sharp intake of breath and reached his own orgasm, moaning your name and pulling you back down on him as it happened. He rested in you for a moment, just basking in the closeness. Eventually, he withdrew and you turned to face him.

“I love you, too, baby.” He said, eyes drooping with exhaustion. You couldn’t help but smile at the confession. “I love you so much.” He sighed, pulling your chin up so he could lean down to kiss you. “We seem to have a thing for fucking in bathrooms, though.” He stated once you broke apart. You both laughed at the statement.

You finished your shower with him, both of you slipping out and wrapping yourselves in towels. You dried off and picked up your clothes, making a move to go back to the main room. He followed closely behind, not wanting you to leave his sight. When you dropped your towel, he gave your ass a smack. You jumped in surprise, letting out a giggle. He went over to his bag and grabbed a hoodie and sweatpants, tossing them in your direction. “Here, if you’d like to leave undetected.” He smiled. You nodded, slipping on the bottoms. You had to cuff the sweatpants quite a few times and tie the drawstrings, but you made it work. You threw his hoodie on, leaving the hood up.

You revelled in the confines of the sweater, breathing in the scent. It smelled just like him and it warmed your heart. “You look good in my clothes.” He said, pulling on another pair of his pants. That was one thing you had to laugh at, Sam packed a bag like a middle aged woman on vacation; two outfits for every occasion. He grabbed his wallet from a pile of his things and opened it, pulling out a hotel keycard. “I got two at check in, cause I always end up losing one.” He chuckled. “Guess it really came in handy, this time.” He handed it to you. “The room number’s written on it too.” You slipped it in your pocket.

“Guess so, baby.” You said, giving him a smile. He leaned down to place another kiss to your lips. You held him there for a moment, never wanting to lose the feeling. When you pulled away, you let your hand rest on his cheek. “I’m gonna head out, try and avoid everyone.” You informed him.

“Sure,” he said, pulling you into a hug. “I’ll be there soon. Be safe.”

“I will, Sammy.” You said, making your way to the door. “Oh, uh, can you bring my clothes back with you?” You asked, suddenly embarrassed at your earlier interaction. A blush rose to your cheeks. He laughed at you, nodding his head at your request.

“Of course.” He followed you as you left, leaning against the doorway as you walked out. He watched you make your way to the exit, smiling to himself.

“Hey, who’s that?” A voice sounded from beside him. Sam looked to see Danny standing, watching you walk away, too.

“Oh, uh, just some chick from the front row.” Sam brushed it off. “Asked security to pull her back here before she left.” He lied quickly, trying to cover his own ass.

“Ah, I see,” Danny said. “And you let her take your clothes home?”

“Yeah, just old shit anyway. Figured I’d never miss it.”

“Uh huh,” Danny paused, knowing that the clothes in question were some of his favourites. “And how do you think y/n would feel if she found out you were fucking groupies?” Sam nearly choked on his breath, whipping his head to look at Danny.

“What?” He asked, in disbelief.

“Come on, man. We all know. You think you guys are being sneaky, but we know you both way too well.” He chuckled. “Just wish you guys would have told me, you know?” He said before he walked off.

“Wait, Danny!” Sam called to him, but he wasn’t turning around.

“Also, you guys are obnoxiously loud.” He said before disappearing around the corner.

“Fuck,” Sam muttered to himself, turning on his heels and walking back into his room.

•

You pushed through the door of the hotel, taking in the sight of the front lobby. It was beautiful. You didn’t have too much experience with hotels, or travel. Your parents were quite poor growing up, and you never really broke the curse as you grew into adulthood. Hotels and anything of the sort, no matter if they were five star or not, were quite luxurious to you. The lady at the front desk gave you a warm smile as you passed by. You mumbled a hello, returning her gesture. You went directly to the elevator, pressing the button to go upstairs. The doors swung open, inviting you inside.

You looked at the paper holder containing the keycard, seeing the room number written messily on the outside of it. You clicked the floor number and waited. You laughed at the messy penmanship; Sam could be so forgetful by times. Luckily, this time around, it really worked in your favour. The ding of the elevator broke you from your thoughts. The doors parted and you stepped into the hallway. Your legs carried you down the hall, eyes scanning the bold black numbers labelling the rooms.

You landed in front of the room that matched the number on the card, swiping the key in front of the sensor. The electronic lock clicked open and you stepped inside. Upon first inspection, it was so blatantly clear that this was Sam’s room. His cologne was still present in the air from before he’d left for the venue, a towel was left on the bathroom floor, and a few different outfits were strewn on the bed. The blankets were messy and the pillows were all over the mattress. You smiled to yourself, dropping your bag by the T.V. stand and immediately crawling in the mess of pillows, pulling the blanket over you. The pillowcase smelled like Sam’s shampoo, inviting you in and lulling you to sleep. It had been far too long since you fell asleep surrounded by him.

Without even realizing it, you drifted off into a slumber more peaceful than any you’d had while he was away.

About thirty minutes later, Sam was unlocking the door himself and making his way inside. He dropped his own bag by the door, kicking off his shoes. When he looked to the bed, his heart melted at the sight of you. He walked over, carefully sitting on the bed beside you. He ran a hand through your still damp hair, gently brushing out any knots. As you began to stir, he leaned down and placed a kiss on your head. You let out a small groan, slowly coming back to life. You stretched out your legs, taking in a large breath as your eyes fluttered open. “Well, hello, sleepyhead.” Sam said softly, hand still tangled in your hair. “Have a good nap?” You couldn’t help but smile. It had felt like an eternity since you’d woken up next to him.

“Would’ve been better if you were here.” You whispered.

“Good thing I’m here now, then.” He said. He wasn’t sure if he should tell you about his interaction with Danny earlier, not wanting to disturb the peacefulness of the reunion. He knew he’d have to eventually, but right now just didn’t seem like the time for it. You opened your arms, reaching out for him to lay beside you. “Just a second.” He promised, standing up. He took off his shirt leaving himself just in his sweatpants. You watched him, silently admiring him as he moved. You made a move to take your pants off, wanting as much closeness with him as you could get. You tossed them onto the floor beside you, scooting over a bit to give him some more room to climb in.

He picked up the comforter, sliding in next to you and wasting no time pulling you to his chest. The warmth of his body immediately relaxed you. “I know I already said it, but I missed you, Sammy.” You mumbled, eyes closing once more.

“I missed you too, baby.” He said, his hand snaking under your far too large sweatshirt, caressing the skin on your hip. “I promise I’ll take you out on a date when we get home, I just want to be here with you tonight. I want you all to myself.” He admitted.

“Me too,” you agreed. You both sat in silence for a moment, not moving, just soaking up each others company. Eventually, he pulled you on top of him, settling you between his legs. Your head rested on his stomach, your arms brought to your chest, curling the blanket up to your chin. He played with the ends of your hair, letting the locks fall through his long fingers.

“Did you mean what you said, earlier?” He asked.

“Which part?” You asked for clarification.

“That you loved me.” His hands worked their way up to your scalp, gently massaging it. You let out a hum of pleasure at the feeling.

“Yeah, I did, Sammy.” You whispered, your own hand now moving to his stomach, tickling his skin with your fingertips. The muscles in his abdomen flexed at the contact, causing a small giggle to fall from you. “Of course I did.” You added. “I was scared that it was too soon, you looked almost… mad when I said it. But I meant it.” He laughed quietly at your words, finding it ridiculous that you thought he’d be mad at you.

“I wasn’t mad, y/n. Shocked, yeah, for sure. I wasn’t expecting you to say it.” He admitted. “But I’ve been waiting to hear you say that since the day I met you. If that was the only thing you said to me for the rest of my life, I’d be happy.” His hand that wasn’t knotted in your hair came down on top of yours, lacing your fingers together. “Why would you think I’d be mad at you?” He whispered now, gentle with his tone. You stayed silent for a moment, unsure of how to answer him.

“I don’t know… I guess I’m just so used to my past boyfriends being mad at me all of the time. I suppose it’s just in my nature to expect you to be mad, or assume I did something wrong.” You confessed. His heart leapt at the use of the word boyfriend. That had not been discussed yet, but he certainly didn’t mind the sound of it. On the other hand, he was curious. He’d never heard you talk much about your former partners.

“You can talk about it, if you want.” He didn’t want to pry, but he did want to know more. He gave you the option to tell him or not.

“I don’t know, Sammy.” You sighed. “Not much of a story, I guess. I’ve only had one other boyfriend. He was a dick. I dated him all through high school and moved in with him after graduation. He was mean and I didn’t know that it wasn’t how I should be treated. I didn’t know anything else.” A frown encased his lips. “He never let me go out, or have any friends. He wanted me to do anything he wanted whenever he wanted it. He always wanted to fight with me and according to him, I could never do anything right. That’s how I met Danny, actually.”

“What do you mean?” Sam never actually got close enough with you to know much about you in the beginning. He knew you were beautiful, funny and kind. He knew you adored Danny, but not why. He knew enough to fall for you, but he really wanted to know you, now. He wanted the little things constantly stored in the back of his head so he could use them as needed. He wanted to know what made you, you.

“After a particularly bad fight, I went to a bar to get some cheap liquor.” You laughed at the memory. “I’m not sure why, but it seemed right at the time. I barely drank back then. But Danny showed up, he was just finishing up with you guys at the studio. He sat beside me and bought some god-awful looking beer.” You shuddered at the thought. No matter how hard Danny tried to convince you it was good, you couldn’t stand the taste of it. “He introduced himself and noticed I’d been crying. He talked to me all night, wanting to know everything about me. It was the first time I’d ever felt…” you pondered for the right word. “Seen.” You finished. “He was the only person in my life by that point, who’d ever cared enough about me to want to know everything. And he barely knew me.” You had to laugh.

Sam felt a rush of jealousy flood through him, but he pushed it aside. “He offered me a place to stay because my boyfriend at the time told me to get out, and that he never wanted to see me again. You know why?” You asked.

“Hmm?” Sam mumbled, still listening intently.

“A male coworker sent me a friend request on Facebook.” You whispered. “It was bound to happen eventually, and I had an apartment lined up just in case. Things had been really bad for a while. But he just kicked me out, he didn’t want to hear anything I had to say. Just opened the door for me like I’d meant nothing to him for six years.”

“That’s terrible, y/n.” Sam consoled you, pulling you closer to him as he spoke. ‘I’d never do that to you.’ He thought to himself.

“Yeah, but I never would’ve ended up here if it didn’t happen.” You reminded him. “But Danny came with me as backup to get my shit from his house. He helped me move into the apartment I live in now. We got wine drunk together and the rest was history. He didn’t care that I was broken. He didn’t care that I had no idea how to make friends, because I was never allowed to have them. Just wanted to be with me.” You shrugged. Sam tried his best to just hear your words rather than think about how Danny felt about you, but he was struggling. “You know, I prayed for months that something would happen, anything to make life better. And he showed up that night. Just waltzed in and changed everything in an instant.”

“You love him, don’t you?” Sam couldn’t help it. The jealousy was surging through him. He wanted to listen to you talk, but his heart was breaking at the words you were saying. You lifted your head to look at him, noticing the expression of worry.

“Yeah, of course I do, Sam.” You were honest. “But it’s never been like that for me.” His body relaxed slightly. “Danny was always meant to be my best friend. He’s been the person I looked for my whole life. Someone to do stupid shit with, to make memories, to be my kids godparent, I love him more than anything, but I’m not in love with him, Sammy.”

“I’m sorry, I know that. I just… yeah.” He muttered. “I just get nervous, I guess. I know how he feels about you. I know how much he cares for you, and you for him. It’s hard to think that he could steal you away at any given moment.” He laughed quietly, more to himself. “You know, it would’ve made so much more sense if you ended up with him. He deserves you way more than I do.” He said, guilt seeping through his pores.

“It was never a matter of ‘deserving’ anything. If I wanted to be with Danny, I would be. I’m in love with you, and I always knew it would end up like this. The minute I met you… it was like all of the bullshit from the past didn’t matter. The pain from the last relationship didn’t hurt, because it brought me to you. It made it all make sense, you know?” You sighed, fingers still dancing with his. “I know we treated each other like shit for a long time, but I always knew. From the minute I saw you, I wanted to love you, to be in love with you. I wanted this, exactly what we’re doing right now.” His heart drummed against his ribs, threatening to break them. He couldn’t believe how much you affected him.

“Me too, baby.” He sighed. “All I want to do is love you; I’m sorry that I was an asshole for so long.” You sat up, moving around to sit on him. You straddled his waist, pulling his face in your hands and running your thumb over his cheek.

“We’re here now, aren’t we? Isn’t that what matters?” He smiled at your words, putting his hands on your hips.

“I guess so.” He agreed, catching your lips in a kiss. “I’m so lucky to be able to love you.” He breathed as you parted ways. “I want to know you. I want to know everything about you; I want to make sure that you know how you deserve to be loved. I hope I can do it properly.”

The sentiment of his words hung over the room like a cloud of serenity. You two enjoyed the alone time, rolling around in the bed, sharing kisses and laughs. You played music softly in the background, singing along to songs that had no meaning to you until that night. The evening dwindled by too quickly for either of your liking, slipping into the late hours of the night and eventually to the earliest ones of the morning. You wanted to live in that moment forever, where nothing was wrong and it was just the two of you making up for lost time. Sam made it so easy to fall for him, with his sweet words, loving touches and fantastic sex. He treated you better than you ever could have imagined a partner doing. The months of romance felt like an eternity; you felt like you’d known him like this your whole life.

Eventually, exhaustion enveloped the two of you and the music that was once fuelling your energy turned into lullabies. Sam was on his side, facing you with his arm draped over your bare torso. Somewhere in the events of the night, you both had ended up naked, but not resulting in a sexual motive. The intimacy of being completely exposed with no intent of sex was beautiful. It was just the two of you seeing each other completely, loving each other fully. Your eyes were drooping, barely being able to hold them open. His were similar, but he was forcing himself to stay awake so he didn’t miss a second of admiring you. His eyes on you, holding so much emotion behind them, felt like pure bliss. Being appreciated by Sam was the greatest feeling you’d ever experienced.

“I love you, princess.” He whispered, voice laced with sleep. “So much.”

“I love you, Sammy.” You said, the words coming straight from your heart. You were sure that you both had said it a million times that night alone, but the novelty of the phrase was too exiting to stop. Finally, the proclamation of emotion you’d both been feeling for so long was in the air, accepted and desired.

“I’m gonna take you to breakfast in the morning, before you have to go. Just me and you.” He promised. You smiled at his words but your chest ached at the realization you’d have to leave him again the next day. Although the time between now and seeing him next was much shorter than the one previous, you didn’t want to be away from him at all.

“I’d like that.”

“Me, too.” You laughed at him, barely awake and still trying to hold a conversation. You had both closed your eyes, finally giving your bodies a chance to rest, just minutes away from sleep. He pulled you closer to him, your head quickly finding its way to the crook of his neck. You drifted to sleep to the scent of him, finally feeling at home.

•

A violent knock on the door shook you both from your slumber. Neither of you had moved from the position you’d fallen asleep in. You both ignored the first knock, figuring it was one of the boys coming back drunk and wanting to chat. “Go back to sleep, baby.” Sam mumbled, clearly not caring about who was looking for him. You tried to do as he said, but another burst of loud knocking pried your eyes back open.

“Sam, open the fucking door!” You were upright now, immediately recognizing Danny’s voice. Sam groaned, reaching out for his phone.

“It’s 4 in the morning, man, go to bed! We can talk tomorrow!” He shot back.

“I know she’s in there, Sam. I just want to talk to her.” Danny pleaded. You could tell he was plastered. You could hear it in his voice. Your heart was racing, panic encased on your features. Sam gave a look to you as if to say it was okay. He rolled out of bed, pulling on a pair of pants as you searched wildly for clothes for yourself. You threw on the clothes Sam had given you earlier, crawling back in the bed and hoping that Sam could convince Danny to go back to his room. Sam wanted that, too, hoping you would just talk to him in the morning, when you were both sober and in the right state of mind.

Sam shuffled to the door. You heard him open it a crack before speaking again. “Just go to bed, Danny. You’re hammered.” Sam sighed, trying to reason with him.

“You’ve both been avoiding me for months and lying to my face the whole time. I’m done. I’m sick of waiting for you to decide to tell me the truth.” Danny snapped. Your stomach twisted in a knot, palms breaking out into a sweat. He knew. He’s known all along.

“Hey, stop, man. It’s okay. We can talk in the morning.” Sam muttered, obviously still half asleep. You didn’t understand how he was so calm about the whole thing. Sam made a move to try and shut the door, but Danny pushed it open again, not done with the conversation.

“Just let me talk to her, please.” Danny said again. “I know she’s in there. I saw her car outside.” Danny was pushing back on the door as Sam tried to hold it closed. “You can’t keep my best friend from me.” Something in Sam snapped at his territorial marking, not liking it in the slightest.

“Okay, fine, in the morning!” Sam was losing his patience. “I’m not letting you talk to her while you’re drunk and pissed off.” Sam was being overly protective, not willing to budge from him stance.

“I’m not going to fucking hurt her, asshole.” Danny argued. “She’s my best friend, Sam. I have to talk to her.” With a final push, Danny got the door open and stepped in the room. Sam sighed, stepping down and out of his way. Danny walked in, his eyes immediately landing on you. He stared for a moment, watching you sitting in Sam’s bed, wearing his clothes, looking scared. He felt a wave of hurt enveloping him. He opened his mouth to speak, but closed it again, unsure of what to say. He’d gotten his answer already. He already knew what he would find, but he was hoping he was wrong.

“Danny,” you started, but he’d already turned to walk back out. Your heart shattered, but you pushed it to the side. You were not the one that should be upset in the situation. You jumped out of the bed, following after him. Just as he was rounding the corner into the hallway, Sam grabbed your wrist to stop you from following. “Let go, Sam.” You warned.

“Y/n, just wait until the morning. We’ve waited this long, we can wait one more day.” He begged.

“That’s the problem! We never should have waited this long to begin with!” You cried, still trying to shake yourself from his grip. “We lied to him. I hurt him. I’m still hurting him!”

“This isn’t a good idea, you’re both upset-“

“We’re going to be upset either way! I need to make it right with him before it’s too late. He’s my whole world, Sam.” You pleaded with him. Sam’s eyes darkened at your statement, once again feeling that pain he’d felt walking into Danny’s apartment the year before.

“What about me, y/n? Am I not part of that world, too?” He said, hurt dripping off of his words.

“What? Of course you are Sam, what do you mean?” You scoffed.

“I mean exactly what I said. This is just like it was in the beginning. No matter how many times we fuck, or how many times you say you love me, he’ll always come first, right?” You opened your mouth to retaliate, but found no words coming out. “That’s what I thought.” Sam rolled his eyes. “You wanna go talk to him? Fine by me.” He dropped your wrist. “It doesn’t matter what I think, anyway.”

“You’re jealous now, of all of the times you could’ve been jealous? We did something to hurt him and you’re pissed off because I want to make it right?”

“No, I’m pissed off because it seems like I was right the whole time. You may not have been fucking him, y/n, but he will always be the most important person to you. He says jump and you’ll do it, no matter how high. No matter who’s begging you not to.”

“Sam you’re being ridiculous.” You scowled, feeling the months of hatred and vicious words coming back.

“It’s four in the morning, y/n. He shows up drunk and wakes us up, barges in here and doesn’t even say a word to you, and you’re chasing after him. Im asking you to stay. I am begging you to at least wait until the morning, when he’s not drunk and you’re in your right mind, but you refuse to see that maybe that’s the most logical thing because like I said a million times before, he comes first, before anyone else. It. Will. Always. Be. Him.” He annunciated his words so harshly that it caused your blood to boil.

You couldn’t believe that after everything you’d told Sam, every memory and sweet word over the last few months, everything that you’d professed to him that night alone, he could throw this out the window so easily. Tears welled in your eyes, begging to be shed. You loved Sam, but he always seemed to be the one to know exactly how to break your heart. You thought that he’d changed, that him being an asshole was just one big misunderstanding, but maybe you were wrong. Maybe Sam would never change, no matter how much you hoped he would. “I’m not fighting with you over this, Sam. Not again.” You said, completely defeated. “I could go into the next room and spit on him, even kick him in the face and you’d still try and argue that I’m in love with him. You didn’t believe me when I told you the million other times, and you never will. I’m done fighting.” Your voice broke.

“If you leave,” he paused, eyes angry but you could tell it was covering sadness. “If you run out there after him, I’m done, y/n. I can’t always feel like I’m in second place.”

“That’s your problem, Sam. You’re trying to beat him in a race, but you guys aren’t even competing in the same one.” You took a step towards the hallway. “Oh, and if you’re genuinely giving me an ultimatum, whatever this is, ends here. Because if you make me choose, I will never forgive you.” You said, back turned to him now. You couldn’t see it, but a tear fell down his cheek, too. He didn’t answer, just watched you teeter between the hallway and his hotel room, hoping you’d turn back towards him.

“You say that because you know you’d choose him.”

“If you make me stay, we’re done.” You whispered.

“I guess we’re in stalemate, then.” He replied. You closed your eyes, praying he’d say something else, that he would change his mind. Instead, you were met with silence. You looked back at him over your shoulder, wanting to see him one last time before you made up your mind. The sadness in his features implored you to stay, to hold him and tell him you only ever wanted to love him, but the anger towards him that was brewing in your chest was overwhelming. “Please, y/n, come back to bed with me.” He tried one last time. You checked to make sure you’d slipped your phone and your car keys in your pocket when you got up, relieved when you found that you did.

“I love you, Sammy.” You whispered. His eyes glistened with hope, thinking that maybe you were going to stay. As soon as he’d let himself feel it, it was quickly shattered. You had stepped into the hallway and slammed his door shut, not even waiting for him to say it back. He stood, staring at the doorway where you’d been standing just seconds before, not knowing where to go from there.

Don’t worry!! It doesn’t end here, there will be a part three! 🫶🏻

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sweetmastermind · 2 years ago

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https://www.tumblr.com/sweetmastermind/711982876812574720/yeah-i-think-people-tend-to-overlook-and-forget

Hi I just wanna say this isn’t true 😅 ryujin was forced to wear more mini dresses and even keep her hair long and she spoke out against this many times. She’s always dressed more “masculine” and says she feels more comfortable that way. She prefers to cover up and has even been openly upset about her stage outfits. If you look at her personal style it’s never been feminine. I’m curious as to where you got this idea from.

Hi! adding the rest of your asks to answer them all here. I will give my input here regarding Ryujin, everyone has feminine and masculine energy but one tends to be more present (most of the time), in her case, she has a more present masculine and strong energy, and what I notice is that in the outfits they put her that energy stands out a lot more. There are some exceptions to this issue, doesn't matter if it is a dress/skirt or pants, it just adds to that energy she has and gives more the impressión of her being more "masculine". While in her normal wear that energy is more toned down and polished, so it gives me the impression of a more sophisticated and "feminine"

I base the concepts of masculine dressing as hard, in your face, solid, straight structures, and grungy/messy. And the feminine as softer lines, curves, better fit, and sophistication. This is a rough description

Regarding the reactions of fans and non fans, unfortunately, i have seen them a lot but usually goes at hand with the first description i write about the change in energy

And i don't know which outfits are like a bathing suit (the loco outfit i can understand but the rest it could be cultural differences too) but showing skin or not should not be a parameter for being feminine or not. Im personally upset about the style all of them get because is not the most comfortable for their performances and most of them don't really fit their body type

Hope it makes sense what i write

#kpop asks #itzy ryujin

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m1ckeyb3rry · 20 days ago

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LMAOAAOA OH WAIT RLLY?? I’ve never used ibisPaint for anything more than needing to quickly get a diagram out so I wasn’t aware…if you actually want to though you could try using the airbrush on like max radius and using that to make the gradient effect plus the smudge? I don’t typically use it so I might not be grasping all the mechanics or kinks LOL but SAME I always forget he’s French LMAOOOOO

IM CRYING THE DONKEY SUIT wait imagine y/n (because otoya isn’t witty enough to say this) just is like “actually you didn’t even need the suit since you’re already an ass” LMAFOAOAD anyways I wonder how the model in the photo feels about having to wear this LORD FARQUAD UAHAHSHSHA it’s reversed instead of the giant ass chin it’s the giant ass hair LOL he definitely would NOT accept having to look up when talking to otoya (also same he could be Mike wazowski and I wouldn’t care)

HEHE TYYY WE DID!!! Lowk really nice after all the recent grass touching work I had to do and yess no lore development here LMAO tbh I don’t think I’ve ever been in any super crazy situations before I feel like the canon events don’t cross paths with me LOLLL

The Barou glowup is INSANE and NEEDED his visuals before were a bit rough oops also nagi fs!!!! I love the way his eyes are drawn now and I think they’d be really also found a stabilized style for his hair too?? I love that little wavy middle strand that goes across his nose it’s so cute

LMAOO wingman chigiri who actually knows what he’s doing but he’s late to literally every single hangout or plan they schedule and has a really bad sense of being on time which makes ever set up unnecessarily difficult (based off pwc and I forgot but floating tidbits of him taking too long to dry his hair or get ready LMAO)

YESSS to date you’re the one I trust above all else to execute any ideas I have well hehe I think my only other request was to Jeirin for the 300 event? I think it was more along the lines of just general thoughts as opposed to an actual like reader fic or anything though so amongst actual fic requests you’re my one and only!! You know your writing is insane when you’ve broken me out of my lurker stage LOL I had contemplated sending stuff like once or twice before but backtracked and never ended up doing it soooo

AHAHDSJSH yeah er Karasu content is a little dry but I think it’s still more alive than it was before…but omg Mira back in action?? Don’t push yourself too hard though LOL that’s fr kinda my philosophy though (not for writing oops lol) but if like if I wanted a really specific trinket or item I’d just go make it myself (also results in a lot of ideas and plans that don’t get executed though so uhhh don’t follow my example LMAOO) but yeahhh ATP there’s just multiple tiers of degrees of swerving LOL

This is like those behind the scenes documentaries of like “the making of” the original Otoya plan is insane but I’m glad it got to where it is now!! I agree I think the aegislash arc wouldn’t be the same if it were otoya instead of nagi LOL and I think the underground smuggling ring arc would also feel different if Otoya was the lead

FIVE MONTHS time is a scary construct….I was not ready to be slapped by that fact omg….but hmmm well if tumblrs anything like other social media a big part of it probably just ends up being the algorithm based off the time of day you post plus consistency (I remember influencers would make so many “tutorials” on how to get big and they’d always mention literally scheduling out posts like that’s insane) but FR!! I lowk still get kinda confused by the notes system here but sometimes I feel like the short blurb fics get more notes traction because they are geared more towards the crowds that would consume that content (likewattpadreaderserm) so it’s maybe like also the demographic that causes it?? But honestly that’s also sm healthier of a mindset to keep it an actually enjoyable hobby and plus I’m here to say your work is actually fire I’m really picky with the stuff I read especially with like flow and grammar and eloquence (despite my yapping sessions being so disorganized SHDGSHS) so yeah saving your energy for things you actually enjoy is a much better route LOL

FRRRR im crying wait that’s true we do just get the extra emo from rin SHDHS imagine seeing him from Shidous pov LMAO

Careless whisper taken for granted because of the memes LOLLL

- Karasu anon

HAHA for my recoloring ngl i just import the panel, extract the line art, and then use the filter tool to change the color w the hex code i want that matches the divide i’ve made HAHA there’s def some stuff with overlays i could mess around with to see if i could get gradients to work though hmm much to consider

LMAOOO y/n beefing with karasu to hide that she’s actually madly attracted to him instead of her ACTUAL boyfriend otoya i bet she was secretly praying for him to be puss in boots because he’d look hot asf in that fit SKJHFSKJDH anyways yeah i guess the models are making their bag so they can’t be too mad about it?? but it’s funny to imagine someone posing for those pics (yukimiya core asf)

YAYYYY SO GLAD YOU ENJOYED YOURSELF HEHE and yesss omg it was so nice none of my professors assigned any homework that weekend so i had nothing to stress about no tests to study for literally just hanging out with my friends and partying and developing the lore HAHA omg pls i feel like i’m just a canon event magnet or smth but luckily i’m entering my winter hibernation era when i become irrelevant because i refuse to interact with people i’m not friends with already so we are free from canon events until the spring (i hope)

yeahhh things were rough for barou in the early days but tbh as soon as second selection came and he joined isagi’s team his glow up happened and it’s only been up from there…he looks INSANELY good in the nel and u20 game like the panels are SO HYPE AHHH i love him so much tbh i hope we can get back to him and isagi being the main rivals of the series GET RIN OUTTA HERE barousagi rivalry >>>> rinsagi rivalry sorry not sorry barou and isagi actually feel like healthy and real rivals that push each other to be better rin and isagi is just like “my brother thinks you don’t suck so i want to kill you and then myself” “ok” LMAOOOO anyways nagi’s design has definitely stabilized a lot!! agreed his little strand is so cute it makes his hair look even fluffier and softer somehow (also manshine nagi…sigh…so gorgeous)

SKDJFHS actually wait technically we do get wingman chigiri in the oaeu with nagi because aiku is actually nagi’s OPP in that one HAHAHA so wingman chigiri is already canon kinda like how wingman hiori is technically canon in fwtkac?? if you can consider whatever tf he was doing “wingmanning” (aiku and niko would be disappointed but whatever works ig)

HAHAH SO HONORED TO HAVE BROKEN YOU OUT OF YOUR LURKER STAGE EVEN SOMEWHAT in return you finally allowed me to write for karasu because before fwtkac i just knew i wanted to write him but i had no idea how so it was actually perfect truly a meeting of the minds…karasu anon x mira chemical reaction can never be beaten fr

pls that’s fr my philosophy too and that’s why i have a bazillion works in progress honestly i don’t mind so much for myself personally but sometimes i feel bad for the people that read my stuff and then are like wtf why hasn’t this updated in months BROOO IDK I JUST DON’T FEEL LIKE IT but then sometimes i get back on the grind randomly?? like pomegranate ink was on hiatus for almost a year and then randomly one day i just started writing for it again and then in a month i wrote over 100k words and finished the entire thing 😭 it’s especially bad with blue lock though because like not to be #hater but there are just not very many fics out there (i don’t read fics very often but every now and again i’ll take a peek through the tags) let alone really long or involved ones LET ALONE ones for characters i actually LIKE (forget about karasu and yukimiya for a second…why is there nothing for BAROU??? NAGI????? like these are some of the most popular characters why does kaiser have more fics than them) so i really do end up doing it myself

PLS behind the scenes of pursuit fr SKFSKJD here’s another behind the scenes fact the original version (aka the otoya version) was called “inheritance” and instead of sibling bonds it was meant to be more about nature vs nurture (otoya the exile ending up to be a kind person compared to his crueler clan, karasu and yayoi being opposites, barou and reader being opposites, etc etc) so the themes definitely changed a lot there 😭 hmm what else was there from the original version that i can think of…uhhh tullia and karasu like i mentioned LMAOOO lowkey i can kinda see them together but her and reo are better so not mad about that plus with reader not getting with otoya it doesn’t make as much sense for tullia to end up w karasu yk HAHA but agreed i think nagi is a much better route to take (NOT biased) he fits reader’s personality more and the arcs have a different feel to them with him as the love interest…nagi just truly is that guy he showed up in the story as a side character, said “nuh uh”, and then shoved his way into being the main lead which somehow actually improved the work?? insane

FIVE MONTHS IS SOOO CRAZY like almost half a year of us talking is wild to me!! but i wouldn’t have it any other way hehe…yeah i think it has to do with tags and post time and other stuff LMAO i don’t even care enough to look into it SDKFH i think part of it too is that those short blurb mega posts tag like fifty characters so they come up in a LOT of searches meanwhile i literally only tag my posts for my own organization so i don’t use too many tags or anything like that!! but agreed also the blurb mega posts definitely cater towards a certain crowd omg somewhat related but i saw a post that said smaus are killing fics the way velocity edits killed editing and idk why but it made me laugh SO hard 😭 don’t get me wrong i love a good smau but i fear the post was a bit too accurate

THAT’S WHAT I’M SAYINGGG like we never get to see sae just chilling w the bros (not that he really has any) i bet he’s probably a decent enough guy when he’s not being shown through rin’s #emo #brocken perspective SKHFJS omg sae through shidou’s perspective would truly be something though ngl i bet careless whisper would be playing somehow

#answered asks

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keefwho · 2 years ago

Text

March 18 - 2023

8:30 AM

I guess my natural motivation has dried up for now. Now I gotta fight for it until it comes back. Sucks because I was hoping to get a lot done this weekend but I probably won’t be as productive as I thought. Or enjoy it as much. It’ll help if I stop thinking that failing to do all my current ideas is a bad thing. I lose nothing from not finishing something that wasn’t promised or announced in any way. All I can do is gain, if I get them done.

9:05 AM

I mostly don’t want to feel too ‘meh’ or spiral into sadness today. Not that I think the latter is terribly likely. It’ll be a delicate balance between getting busy and resting like I should be on a weekend.

Also the people I want to hang out with all seem busy this weekend so I can’t rely on anyone being around. I don’t like feeling lonely like this but it’s a good chance to try and overcome it again. I always have VRchat so I can talk to strangers at least. And knowing my friends will still be there for me when they are done makes it a little better.

As much as I like to believe I enjoy my alone time, I am not very good at being by myself. Im always just waiting for the next time to hang out.

Its tough but I think the move is to exercise presence and ignore unhelpful thoughts. I always find myself stuck in this headspace where I can’t focus because I’m thinking about things that aren’t true, or everything else I have to do. I have to work hard to force focus on what I’m doing in times like this.

9:38 AM

Here’s something that bothers me but maybe it’s because I’m just so out of the normal loop. People that have been in tons of relationships. Or casually drop how much sex they’ve had. Because from my lonely fucking point of view, have a single relationship or fucking for the first time would be a treasured experience. Maybe it’s just because since I haven’t had these things, I cannot take them lightly and I feel like it’s become TOO common to take them lightly. But that might just be because I am unable to get out and be normally social like a normal person.

At this point I feel like it’s impossible to find someone like me who will take a relationship or sex at this stage in our lives as seriously as I do. Or maybe they will and I’ll be unable to understand how since they’ve had it many times before.

For other reasons unknown, I’m just jaded at this topic. Fuck all these people going on and on about their many exes and partners while I’ve been alone my whole life. Which is completely my own fault too.

Here I go spiraling again.

10:13 AM

Damn Craig of the Creek for making me cry this morning. Im SO ANGRY that I had to move around so much as a kid. It’s not my fault I’m fucked up like I am but it is my job to fix it. Its so fucking stupid. I get it was probably out of everyone’s control but why couldn’t my parents just settle the fuck down somewhere? And then they place they DID choose is the middle of bumfuck nowhere. “Why don’t you have any friends? All you do is stay on the internet” Why the FUCK do you think???? I was a teenage in the WOODS. WHERE WAS I MEANT TO GO DUMB FUCK? On TOP of that, they never wanted to drive me to where people my age actually were like they do with my sister now. Maybe they learned how important it is to actually be social at that age and don’t want a repeat of me happening. FUck them.

Im upset at all the old friends who wonder why I changed so much and became so “moody”. They don’t understand the turmoil I started going through when I became aware of how much I was covering up. They were NOT supportive of it either. And thats part of why we aren’t friends anymore. But I think to them, I just ‘went crazy’ and they’re probably waiting for me to get over it or have abandoned me entirely.

Now I’m always fighting to keep the friends I do have because I feel like they could give up on me at any moment. It’s hard to believe they won’t sometimes. But I know this stems from my own self worth. Sometimes I’m unable to see what they see in me because all I can see myself as is worthless.

11:29 AM

I guess I’m just being depressed in my room today while everyone I know is out doing meaningful things and moving on without me.

I really wanted to avoid this today but I have no will to do anything. How many weekends am I going to spend crying because my friends are busy with more important things and i have nothing else to distract myself with? Its always been like this with everyone. People have real lives that dont include me. Im just a weekday plaything.

2:01 PM

I thought maybe it’d be a good day to clean since I can’t bring myself to be creative but I’m unsure I can clean either. I don’t know what I have the heart to do at all. I’d like to clean the area outside my door, especially all the dog vomit stains on the outside carpet but I do not know how. I don’t even know how to clean the wood floor properly. Maybe I’ll try anyways.

3:36 PM

I decided to jerk off really hard because at least being sad gets me some good nuts.

I was gonna try something drastic. Keep rambling here until I feel better or at least get anywhere. First of all I’m afraid I’m only in a temporary high because that usually happens before I fall way back down into despair. I’ve come to the conclusion that once this has all started, it is inevitable that it will keep going. Trying to stop it or redirect it has not worked at all yet. Maybe I have to accept I’ll be depressed this weekend.

All because I can’t learn to love myself and in turn, can’t feel loved in general. So then I feel really alone like I do today. And I think attention from certain people will fix it but it is only ever a bandaid. Because even when I think someone hates me and they are literally telling me how much they love me, it just doesn’t get through to me.

I’m EXTREMELY frustrated and upset because I don’t know where to go from here. I don’t know how to value myself more. I just don’t get it. Why have I always been predisposed to feeling like I’m lesser than everyone? That I am always the loser because thats how life programmed it? Is it my fault or life circumstance that taught me to be like this? I just don’t know.

But I feel a little better knowing that I have to be able to get better and I’ll keep trying until I am. Even if the next milestone is nowhere in sight, all I can do is keep trying. Someday I won’t berate myself so much, I’ll at least feel average. And I’ll have faith that my loved ones love me back more often.

I feel so weak that sometimes I can’t just sit my ass down and draw something I have the heart for. Things I WANT to create for myself but mostly others. Although sometimes I feel the need to draw for someone because I feel like if I don’t, I’ll start losing them as a friend. Something I know is not true but its how I feel about it. I feel like I have to keep letting them know that I won’t leave them so that they maybe won’t leave me either.

Maybe to improve my self worth I can start doing nice things for myself like I would for a friend. I can roleplay I’m someone else to make it easier. I can make myself some good food and enjoy it. I could let go and listen to what my heart wants to do and do that. I don’t know. I just don’t know.

I dont even see the point in feeling happy if no one is around to share it with.

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wavesmp3 · 4 years ago

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before sunrise x kevin moon ....

#I’m coming for you just you wait #I just have to finish the elevator pitch sunwoo and the end of the world changmin one first 😬#I’m at that stage where im getting too many ideas to keep up #I love how it’s only four ideas but I’m just THAT slow of writer #shawna speaks and no one listens #hold on im thinking #i thought: before sunrise #*before sunrise

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primofate · 3 years ago

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Genshin Volleyball AU - Asking for his jersey to wear in a game

Characters: Zhongli, Diluc, Kaeya, Albedo, Tartaglia, Kazuha, Xiao, Thoma and gn!reader

Warnings: not proofread, swear words, fluff, that’s all :D

Notes: Always wanted to do this :D Just to share with everyone I’m at a stage where there are so many ideas in my head that it’s on overdrive. Unfortunately, I don’t have a lot of time to execute these ideas so I’m always just thinking about them every day ahhahaha

Other works in this AU:

https://primofate.tumblr.com/post/654696933944852480/genshin-au-series-masterlist

If you want a visual of what their jersey might look like, here’s the art from @simplypotz

#1 Zhongli (Captain/Wing Spiker/Ace)

Before the game

Just you casually asking “Hey, do you have an extra jersey?”

Him seriously wondering why you’re asking that. “I do, why?”

You hesitate to say it cause it seems a little silly but end up telling him while NOT looking at him. “I was thinking of wearing it to your next game,”

He stops what he’s doing and is picturing the moment in his mind.

You all nice and charming in his number 1 shirt with “Zhongli” written on the back, and it’ll just be YOU wearing it so it’ll stand out so much.

Clears his throat to hide that he’s flustered and hands you his extra jersey without saying a word.

During the game

Man actually thought he was prepared for this moment.

Someone points it out to him before he even sees it. Most likely Tartaglia who goes “CAPTAIN!” and is pointing at someone on the stands.

Zhongli is broken when he sees you

The game hasn’t started yet so he’s thankful to get some time to stare at you wearing it.

In person is so much better than just in his daydreams

The other members are grinning ear to ear cause he’s been looking at you for 10 seconds straight with that “im trying not to smile but im failing” silly grin on his face.

They’re amused cause this is their captain who is usually put together and now just softly melting

Is mostly focused on the game, but can’t help looking up at you during timeouts or during the few seconds before someone makes their serve.

Tries his best not to be distracted though. (He’s lowkey playing so well too)

After the game

1000/100 will ask you to do it again

Will ask the coach to order more of his jersey just so he can give it to you

Will comment about how you look better in it than he does

Takes a picture of you in it and it is now his lock screen

Is convinced that you in his jersey is a lucky charm

#2 Diluc (Vice Captain/Wing Spiker/Defense Specialist)

Before the game

“I was wondering...if I could... wear something different to your games,”

Is confused cause you always wear something different each time for his games. It’s not like you wear the same thing every day...

“No! That’s not what I mean!” your exasperated reply to him

He’s staring at you waiting for you to explain.

“I mean your jersey,”

His eyebrows quirk up in realization and he shuffles into his backpack to look for his extra one.

“...You don’t have to give it back... Keep it...” because he is not even gunna hide the fact that he thinks its a good idea.

During the game

Has gone to bed every night just picturing how you would look in it

Still replays in his mind how you walk into the gym in his jersey, looking a little bashful.

You came a little earlier to wish him good luck and the other members tease him far too much for it, they love pissing Diluc off.

Tartaglia: “Awe you guys are matching!”

Kaeya: “Isn’t that nice, brother? I’m actually jealous!”

Thoma: “Oh hey Y/N! Are you our wing spiker today?”

Albedo: *Taking paparazzi-like pictures of the two of you*

Zhongli/Kazuha/Xiao: nodding approvingly

Diluc himself doesn’t say much because his team is chaotic.

But he drags you away from them just to kiss your hand and tell you that they’ll definitely win today

THRIVING in the game. It’s like he’s got extra batteries on him today.

After the game

The coach deadass wonders if he should approach you and tell you to wear the jersey each game cause Diluc was on FIRE

Diluc asks Albedo for all those photos he took, with a straight face.

Albedo sends it to him, with a straight face.

It’s when his happiness is most apparent cause he’s managed to shake off his members who are busy with freshening up while he approaches you and says “Thank you,” with a small smile on his lips, eyes averted, hand sheepishly scratching the back of his head.

#3 Kaeya (Middle Blocker)

Before the game

You don’t have to ask for it he has given it to you LONG before

He said something like “Here, take it, in case I get famous one day. I’m sure you’ll want one,” and has a shit-eating grin.

Just that you’ve never worn it.

Will hint from time to time that you can use his extra jersey whenever you want to.

During the game

Did not know what he was expecting when you come into the gym wearing his jersey.

I mean sure he DID want you to do that and he’d been hinting at it from time to time but it hit differently when he sees you up there in the stands with it on.

If he has time he’ll run up there, hug you and probably take a selfie with you.

If not he’ll be raring to go and possibly giving you a thumbs up whenever he does something cool in court like a “That’s all for you and BECAUSE of you” indication

usually 100% smug today he’s 1000% smug

Will say something like, “Can’t lose today my partner in crime’s representing me!” (Loud enough so that the other team can hear and start searching for you in the stands)

After the game

Drags you down to the court to show off (both to his team and the other)

“Doesn’t Y/N look so enchanting today?”

Here his teammates start to take jabs at him.

Xiao: “...Were you forced into this?”

Tartaglia: “So how much did he pay you?”

Albedo: “...We could use a new middle blocker,”

Diluc: “...I’m still sorry you’re dating my brother,”

Kaeya brushes it all off and equates it to them being jealous

#4 Albedo (Setter)

Before the game

You don’t think he would say no because he’s a pretty simple guy. If you ask him, he’ll give a straightforward and honest answer.

“I wanted to wear your jersey in your next game, have you got a spare?”

Will hand you a spare with no expression whatsoever in his face but when you’re about to grab it from his hand, he tightens his grip on it.

You look him in the eye, confused.

“You’re 100% sure that you’ll wear it tomorrow?” man just wants to be SURE he won’t be disappointed and anticipating nothing.

During the game

He likes to think his glances towards you is “secret” but his members definitely see his eyes darting up to the stands more than usual.

Deadass doesn’t even know himself why the image and thought of you in it is so...exhilarating

Like it’s just a jersey...but then it’s HIS jersey. And it’s wrapped around you and you’re wearing it so proudly!

That’s probably it. The fact that you’re waving his name around like a flag.

He figures all of this during the game and finally brings his A-game at the image of you proudly cheering him on

After the game

He approaches you after he’s all freshened up and changed into other clothes.

Again he walks up to you without saying anything but just takes in the image of you wearing it.

“...You can wear it during other things too,” he suddenly says and you ask what he means.

He shrugs. “Anything, if you’re going out, going to sleep, or...anything,”

That’s when you realize he likes it WAY MORE than he shows he does.

#5 Tartaglia (Middle Blocker/Wing Spiker)

Before the game

Is the one who asks you to wear it. “Please, pretty please!” Complete with a puppy dog look.

It’s his dream to have someone wear his jersey and cheer for him.

Will not fail to text and remind you about it: “Hey! Remember our deal okay?” “Call out for me when you arrive at the gym!” “I can’t wait!” “Send me a photo?”

During the game

Has been telling his team that you’ll come to the game in his jersey

When you arrive at the stands he points you out to his team “SEE!! LOOK LOOK!!” as if it was the greatest discovery of the century.

You turn and circle around to model the jersey for his team while you’re up there (something he definitely told you to do, and you did NOT know how to feel about actually doing it)

1000% pumped up and clearly more ruthless in his game today.

He’s also clearly showing off to you cause he points at you after each block/serve and LOUDLY states “That one was for you Y/N! You look so good in it!”

The other team definitely finds it annoying

I mean what did you expect, dating this guy...

After the game

Takes selfies with you or asks one of his members to take a proper photo of the two of you in matching jerseys.

Is so giddy and happy he looks like a kid in a candy shop

You’re surprised when he asks for the jersey back. “Oh but... don’t wash it though... I mean, you know, it definitely smells like you now! So I want it back, I’ll give you a fresh new one for next time!”

You tell him that’s kinda creepy but he takes a jab at you “Awe come on! You like the smell of my hoodies too!”

He ain’t wrong.

#6 Kazuha (Decoy/Middle Blocker/Wing Spiker)

Before the game

Respects your boundaries and is mindful that you might not be comfortable in wearing his jersey in a semi-public setting

So is surprised when you bring it up, “...I wanted to wear your jersey for your next game...If you’re okay with it,”

“Of course love, don’t push yourself though. Whenever you’re ready,” but is secretly LEAPING in his chest.

He’s lowkey excited to see it on you.

During the game

It’s exactly how he pictured it on you. Even better!

To him it’s like the sun walking into the dreary and dark gym and now everything is so much better.

He can’t really explain what it is that makes him so happy but he’s definitely loving it.

There’s a permanent smile on his face, even when they’re all sweaty and tired.

He’ll push on. How could he not when you’ve clearly put your full support?

He doesn’t notice it himself but he’s UNSTOPPABLE today and it’s pissing the other team off

After the game

It’s like he didn’t play a game at all, he’s still on normal energy levels.

He walks up to you all sweaty but still talks to you as if there’s a sweet flowery background behind him

“Thanks for the support Y/N,” with a kiss on the cheek. “It definitely helped,”

Asks if he can take a picture, he takes several and he still secretly swipes through them from time to time.

He can’t really express how he feels into words, he just thinks you look absolutely great in it even though it’s just a shirt.

Every time he thinks of it, it’ll always put a giddy smile on his face.

#7 Xiao (Libero)

Before the game

The most tsundere of all after hearing your question. “Do you have an extra jersey I can wear for your next game?”

He’s not looking at you but you can see the tips of his ears turn red.

“Why do you want to wear it...” Grumbles under his breath but you catch it and tell him, “Oh, I just thought it’d be nice, if you don’t want me to wear it that’s fi--...”

You get cut off by a jersey hitting your face and landing on your lap.

Still doesn’t look at you and exits the conversation by saying he needs to go to the bathroom.

During the game

Glances at you ONCE and then gets goosebumps (the good kind), turns his vision away from the stands and tries not to freak out.

Zhongli is the one who notices that he’s extra fidgety today during the warm-ups “Xiao, everything okay?”

“Y-Yeah! Fine!”

The other members pick up on it and finally realize it’s cause you’re wearing his jersey.

Tartaglia: “Awe you feeling shy, Xiao?”

Kaeya: “Looks really nice on Y/N!”

Diluc: “...If you’re distracted by it maybe we should ask her to change out of--”

Xiao: “NO! I’M FINE!”

That’s how they determine that his brain has slightly combusted and malfunctioned at the sight of you in his jersey.

But still he’s a dedicated libero so he gets it together just before the game starts.

He’s never going to admit it but he feels extra cool today even though he’s just receiving and playing as normal.

After the game

When you say “You were extra cool and handsome today!”, dressed in his jersey and looking at him proudly, he finally loses it.

You don’t really mean to make him flustered but he really did look so elegant while playing today.

“Stupid you can’t just say things out loud like that,” his cheeks are flushed and he’s trying to busy himself with packing his gym bag.

“...So you mean you don’t want me to wear it next time?”

“I DIDN’T SAY THAT!”

Yeah no maybe you DO make him flustered on purpose.

#8 Thoma (Pinch Server/Middle Blocker)

Before the game

The most wholesome response “H-Huh? You want to wear my jersey... when?”

“To your next game,”

“You’re gunna cheer for me... in MY jersey with MY name and MY number on it?”

Honestly you don’t see what the big deal is but man is grinning ear to ear, you thought his mouth was about to split open.

“Of course it’s okay! I can’t wait to see you in it Y/N!”

Might have practiced extra hard so that your cheering for him is not wasted.

During the game

If he has time, will scoop you in his arms and press you tight against him in the hug. He just can’t get over how wonderful it looks on you. He’ll probably coo things like “Oh it’s so lovely,” “You’re so charming,” “You’ll distract me today!”

Takes a proper selfie with you and immediately changes all his social media profile pictures.

If he doesn’t have time he’ll still cup his hands around his mouth and shout to compliment you “You look great!” but that’s all, cause he knows you might feel shy about it.

“I’ve got my darling watching and supporting me today, there’s no way we’ll lose!”

Waves at you from time to time up on the stands.

Is definitely more motivated than usual, and is itching to play.

After the game

Expect sweaty hugs.

He just can’t wait to give you the hugs you deserve, he has to do it right after they win.

Takes photos of you casually talking to his team members in HIS jersey and swoons at it whenever he has the chance.

I think he might have sent it to his family members as well, just showing off how supportive you are of him.

Actually he might print it out and frame it. Then put it on his study table.

Will definitely be more open in asking you to wear it again.

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yahsung · 2 years ago

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LATE NIGHT FACETIME WITH BOYFRIEND!JISUNG

the way i’ve been gone for like ever but it’s about to be 5am, i have to be up early, and yet jisung is more important

sleeeeepy. you both are really sleepy during your late night call.

“but i miss your voice so much” your high school sweetheart whines to you every time you mention how late it is.

ofc you’ve been on facetime with him for HOURS before it was finally time to snooze.

and ofc you’re both tired and your eyes are slowly closing, silently drifting off to sleep…

but you both also wanna stay up and secretly stare at each other, saying gooey cute things.

tbh you both r kinda super competitive for no reason and wanna see who’ll knock out first

AS IF YOU DON’T FACETIME EVERY NIGHT??

he likes staring at you as you’re slowly drifting off to sleep… smiling all goofy to himself

and when you happen to wake yourself up he’ll either place his hand to cover his big smile or clear his throat

“AHA! i caught you staring at me loser” cue soft defensive jisung to the stage pls “what- who?? ME? YOU’RE THE LOSER”

you don’t know how he happens to be more talkative and energetic this late in the day

shorty will say two words to you during the day but will rant about mark or chenle allll night

“no and you won’t believe what mark did today- it was so funny let me tell you”

he snores just a little teeny weeny bit

you think it’s so cute but you usually fall asleep before him so this is rare when you catch it

you two have so many half asleep screenshots of one another

he sees your late night calls as smth personal and sacred, but he has one of the pics of you as his home screen it’s so cute

one time haechan walked in on you two on facetime suuuuper late into the night

ofc he doesn’t let jisung live it down

“hey rmbr when i walked into you smooching your phone at 4am one night”

you’ve woken up to him basically yelling at you in the morning to charge your phone lol

“jisung can you STOP YELLING im trying to sleep”

no matter how sleepy and tired you are some nights, seeing him with ruffled hair, droopy eyes, and a soft smile always wakes you up

and he honestly can’t go to sleep without knowing you’re doing the same

seeing you sleepy makes him sleepy aw

you’ve spent all nighters watching movies together on your laptops, cozy in your beds, snacks surrounding you, chatting about the movie

other nights where you’re helping each other study for wtv like college classes or personal lessons

oooooh college bf!jisung next???? :0

you could have been hanging out all day together and he’ll call you that same night

he just can’t and won’t ever get tired of you

“we gotta have our daily night facetime call yk?”

he loves loves loooves planning future dates while on call… and he’ll make notes of it too

“it’s like my best ideas come late at night, im such a cool boyfriend”

despite how chatty he is on facetime he absolutely love just staring at you sometimes

“…what are you look at ji?” usually he’ll just smile shyly but sometimes he; “you’re just so amazingly beautiful”

likes to ask you how your day has been and wants to know everything

he’ll listen and gasp at how your day has been, or give his two cents on your gossip

jisung does a lot of talking while on facetime but he loves gathering intel on ppl in your lives and keeping all the info you give him

“i CAN’T believe your friend did that”

he feels so cool knowing everything abt everyone bc he’s ur bf and you tell him everything

if by chance you guys can’t call or it didn’t happen one night, you both realize how those late night facetime calls really matter

it’s sort of like a routine at this point

ok guys i’m getting super sleepy and tired peace out

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beyondspaceandstars · 3 years ago

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hiii, i've been binge reading your blog for a while now and its AMAZING, really, anyways, i've finally gathered the courage to make a request and I was wondering if you could do something, like, drabble, hc, idrk, writers choice, with Bucky dating a Widow, I think it would be a pretty interesting dinamic :)))

The Widow

a/n: omg thank you for requesting !! I think this idea lended really well to a headcanon post (it’s like a ramble of thoughts, vague plots and such) so I hope that’s okay! I’m so so glad you’ve enjoyed my work, that means the world to me !!!! I love writing and im so glad others like reading it. Hope you enjoy this as well :) I hope it's not too short or anything idk it was kind of all over the place but that's what HCs can be sometimes lmao

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

When you and Bucky first met he hadn’t realized you were anything but a normal, average woman living a normal, average life

You two had met at a little coffee shop just around the block from Bucky’s apartment. He saw you there often and finally, one day, the stars aligned —

Well, actually, what happened was you had accidentally spilled your iced coffee on Bucky because you were distracted by your cell phone.

Little did Bucky know at the time, you were engrossed in your phone because you just never had one before, you never had anything of your own, and technology immediately pulled you in.

But, anyways, after spilling your coffee and apologizing profusely nonstop for a good minute or so, Bucky assured you it was okay and even offered to buy you another drink. You agreed after some protest.

He then invited you to chat for a bit.

And that was that. A couple months and many dates later, you two were officially a couple

All was going pretty well until you got to the stage where you two really opened up about life and family and friends and everything.

It hadn’t taken Bucky long to realize that you were incredibly vague about your past.

On top of it, you held a keen fascination for certain things in a way that reminded Bucky of, well, himself.

Technology was a big one.

You enjoyed your phone and laptop and were very protective over them. They were encrypted just so, along with your smart home devices, which scared Bucky the first time he visited your place.

There was also the thing you had for fashion and decorating.

Much like technology, you were protective of your style and tweaked everything so it was just so. You appreciated it all, everything the shops had to offer. Bucky never missed how your eyes would move and your hands would glide.

Bucky couldn’t help but notice how you two could be so similar in that way. Things just seemed to surprise you both

Bucky found this a bit peculiar. He understood his situation but with you he couldn’t help but wonder what happened? What laid beneath the surface for you?

The answer was finally revealed one night when you two were out at a bar. You had had one too many vodka martinis and Bucky made a teasing remark about how you’d need assistance getting back to your apartment.

"I was a Widow, Buck, I think I can hold my own just fine," you had shot back. "Tipsy or not."

Once you made your comment, you went back to sipping your drink like nothing happened.

But Bucky had a hard time getting past this little factoid your tipsy brain decided to drop on him.

A Widow. You had been a goddamn Widow.

The lightbulb suddenly went off in his head. It explained…everything. The reason for your fascinations. The technology, the protectiveness, the indescribable past, the fashion. You were just starting to figure out your life.

Hell — you probably never even dated someone before him.

Bucky kept all these thoughts to himself for the rest of the night and for the next few days. You were oblivious to what you had let slip and Bucky, being a trained assassin himself, had no trouble keeping it a secret.

At least, that was until he was ready to confront you about it.

In hindsight, it was kind of a stupid, maybe cheesy idea, but Bucky had one day suggest you two work out together. Have a little gym date. You weren’t shy about the fact you worked out and neither was Bucky so the idea wasn’t weird. In fact, at the time, you wondered why you hadn’t suggested it before.

But when you arrived at the gym you realized it wasn’t going to be a normal workout full of cardio and weights.

Bucky had taken you to a boxing ring.

You looked at him weirdly. "We’re boxing?" You asked.

Bucky hopped in the ring and shrugged. "A little sparring."

"Oh, Buck… I—I’m not really—,"

"Humor me," he said with a smirk.

And you did. You didn’t hold back no matter how confused you were about this situation. You used your fight, pulling up moves from the deep depths of your brain. It was like riding a bike. You were surprised — and a little scared — to see that you still had it in you. But why would Bucky suggest this, you thought you had done well…

It wasn’t until you had Bucky pinned to the ground did it click for you. He muttered out a little, "I knew it" and all the puzzle pieces came together.

You rolled off him to catch your breath. You sat beside him in the ring. "I told you I was a Widow, huh?"

Bucky nodded. Your face went red with embarrassment as the memory finally came back to you. You could never be trusted around vodka.

You apologized for telling him that way but Bucky didn’t mind. In fact, he apologized for bringing you to a boxing ring but admitted he was greatly curious about whether you were telling the truth or just letting out drunken lies.

You said you weren’t lying and went into some vague version about how you were freed and struggled to begin a life that wasn’t about…your skills.

When you told him you haven’t done anything like that in years, he apologized profusely again, but you assured him it was okay. It was…interesting to see what was still up there, what you still possessed. Frankly, you didn’t think you still had it in you.

From then on, you became Bucky’s workout buddy. You two regularly sparred together, helping you keep sharp and helping to keep Bucky on his toes. The sparring actually became very therapeutic. You were able to release your training in a safe, positive environment. Much different to the…facility.

You didn’t feel like someone’s weapon. You felt like a girlfriend working out with her boyfriend. And that was great, that was something you hadn’t realized you had been craving.

But it wasn’t just your fighting moves that intrigued Bucky — it was your mind, too.

Your interest in technology ran deep, having likely begun during your time as a Widow. There was…a lot of revolutionary technology you came across in your time and you had subconsciously formed an interest that was finally able to bloom in your newly discovered freedom.

This allowed you to assist Bucky with any missions he was assigned to. You didn’t formally work for anyone and instead operated as his independent contractor.

"Jesus," Bucky swore as he watched you work, "what else lives in that brain? Can you tell me the lottery numbers for next week?"

You just laughed. "Bucky, if I knew the lottery numbers, I wouldn’t be living in an apartment, would I?"

But sometimes it wasn’t always good. You could suffer from nightmares from time to time as memories never seemed to want to leave you alone. Bucky understood this very well and had no problem comforting you in the night. Often you both would be awake and need to lean on one another.

"I got you, doll," Bucky would mutter as he held in bed.

"I got you, too," you’d respond, placing a kiss on his cheek, making him blush.

Sparring with him, for as safe as you usually felt, could also be triggering and you’d have to walk away for a while. Bucky knew to leave you alone during times likes these as you could get quite intense. But he was always happy to welcome you back a couple of days later and you’d pick up like nothing happened.

"Ready to kick my ass today, sweetheart?" Bucky would teasingly ask.

You’d have to muster up a smile but wouldn’t be shy to respond. "Always, honey."

Really, you two would make such a good couple. You had more understanding for each other than any regular person could ever have. It wasn’t all smooth sailing and you would need different support from one another at different times but humor and some bit of optimism kept it all going.

Because every day was a reminder that you both were out of your situations. Free to make a life, especially together.

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iampikachuhearmeroar · 2 years ago

Text

just thinking about how my weird obsession with sex in high school- like joking that i’d become a hooker and stripper in my 20s just so i could meet & fuck my fave emo band dudes while they toured australia (like honey. for the love of god. just buy a fucking meet & greet ticket to meet them. and also. now a whole ass decade later it’s coming out that a good bulk of these men were/are actually trash to their young teen female fans (and it’s also in their past interviews for some of them but you chose to ignore it) so i dodged many a bullet dick if you will)….. and then me pretending to be a hooker/stripper from vegas on omegle and like scarring some of the girls in my year 9 drama class at catholic school in 2010 all bc i decided to write some really graphic (for a 14/15yo) sexting stuff on omegle during one particular lesson…….

moreover, being obsessed with tv show characters like barney stinson from himym and samantha jones from sex and the city…. and all the other jokes (e.g. “we all know i’ll be a dominatrix when im older 😉!”- this was literally one of them) i’ve talked about before in an infinite amount of personal posts on here over the years….. has turned me into such an incredibly anxious mess around sex and relationships in my late 20s; that i need to get to therapy about it.

because i very obvs kinda drank up the hyper sexualisation of teen girls and women in media so much in my teens. like i thought i’d be a complete “slut” in my 20s. i thought i’d move to LA and be a super famous and hot actress who’d get to fuck/sleep with all of her fave emo band dudes so they’d write songs about her sleeping around (take a hint girl. they didn’t like those women!!!!!! 90% of the songs you were listening to at that time were bitter breakup songs!!!!) in hollywood and being the home wrecking whore and ruining their bands bc they’d all slept with me. which i thought was a great badge to wear; to tear down the self esteem and mental health of those men. like it honestly was so fucking bizarre.

but now in my late 20s….. i can barely sext at all. i run out of things to write in like the first 2 seconds in. when i try to sext… like say i’m crushing on someone whose a long distance from me (like did with one of my followers on here that lives in a city which is 3hrs north of me i’m australia last year)….. i get into it for like maybe an hour and then give up; while they keep going. i don’t want to flirt. i find it impossible to find smart quippy flirt lines and that’s why i can’t stand the idea of dating apps. also i’ve always hated dating apps in general anyway due to my past dealings with them (ie the fb adding me to zoosk dating when i signed up in 2009 at 13/14 incident) but i also fucking hate how you have to almost “sell” yourself again in quippy lines and like 150 words of a bio. to make yourself almost as digestible and marketable as a biteable tweet on twitter. i fucking hate it. i don’t have any energy for it. i used up all my sexting ideas in my teens, when i was far too young to be doing it… and then there’s also the tumblr sexting publicly with anons in 2013… who turned out to be two (possibly) 28yo men…… and i was 17.

i was so desperate to be a “slut”, a “vixen”, a “whore” in my formative years (which we all know never actually happened anyway) that i never seriously sat down to realise- not that a teenager would actually do it; let’s be real here- how damaging it’d really be in my 20s. like i don’t know how to function in the early stages of any relationships where you’re supposed to be almost endlessly lustful of your partner- all bc i had that bizarre intense fixation on sex and being labelled a whore so early on. and now i don’t even want to be called “whore” or a “slut” in sexting. but that’s the default thing that you see on tumblr and everywhere else.

there’s obvs the thing i’ve referenced in other posts too; where i was obsessed with the labels of “sexy” etc as well; and i longed in my teens to be called sexy and other labels like that, by boys my age. but since i never got it from them, i then wanted it from older guys. but once that girl in year 11 at public school kept trying to set me up with guys aged anywhere from 20 to 30…. and they were calling me “sexy”/ “hot” and everything else…. it just felt gross??? and most especially when considering the large age difference of the men who were 30 and me at 16/17. now when men call me sexy or hot or whatever, i just get weirdly uncomfortable and my default response is “awww stop”; when i actually feel weird about it.

i found it super unsettling and insulting when a follower on here (mr adelaide fuckboy/MAF) kept suggesting to me to become a camgirl bc he thought i’d make a lot of money bc “you’re so hot and sexy and you just don’t know it!” or whatever the fuck he told me back in like 2016, after he’d ignored me for like 3+ years. it was even more unsettling when he seemed to get more agitated by my disagreement and hesitation with his so called “great suggestion” every time he brought it up. bc no. i will not use onlyfans. i will not be a camgirl since i don’t want creeps like you, brayden, telling me what the fuck to shove up my coochie for your/their pleasure and not particularly mine. and i just personally know that i don’t have the mental space or confidence to be a sex worker. i always give props to the women who do.

and it also felt awful when it came out the mouth of my high school stalker/creeper from years 11/12, any time i showed ANY emotion other than “innocent doe eyed fuck doll of a girl that needs to be somehow saved from herself and her own naivety” by some dipshit who thinks the whole world is actually porn; bc that’s how he learnt how to talk to girls…. that i just learnt to shut down any type of sexual relationship really fast.

the word “hot”, felt odd too, when it came out of the mouth of one my other early tumblr followers who was from sydney, and he paired it with wanting to meet up and to “give you (me) a tour of bondi and you can make us cookies in the hotel room i’ll get for us”. like yes. we were 17/18. but for some random stranger that you barely know from the wilds of the internet offers to get you both a hotel room…. like thanks for the weird insinuation that i’ll sleep with you laiken, when we’ve literally talked about twice in the last year (2013). just because you follow me on tumblr and you inboxed me twice, it doesn’t that mean i want your dick anywhere near me. and then when i said i’d bring a friend, he got weird with “third wheeling” as if us following each other and possibly fucking when or if we met up in bondi, instantly made us into a couple. no. we are not a couple. and you’re blocked, laiken. end of story.

there was also a time when i confused “people pleaser” as a euphemism for group sex. so that when it came to some sexual fantasies i had with certain emo band guys- i wanted to have orgies basically. i wanted group sex. but honey. you’re literally a child. you do NOT want or need to pleasure 4 men at once, let alone an individual man. now in my late 20s, i can’t even picture myself fucking one man. let alone 3 to 4 at once. you’re NOT a people pleaser in the bedroom, when you don’t even have the energy to go seek someone out to have some meaningful sex with. not just empty “no strings attached” bullshit. but again, this side is also somewhere in other posts i’ve made on here about relationships- that i wanted far more advanced relationships and sex with older men (ie just even an 18/19 year old guy when i was 14/15…. or a couple of years later at 17 i wanted a 20 something year old man to find me sexy and fuck me etc)… that i won’t speak about it more here.

but yeah. there’s a lot here and i have no idea where this post was supposed to go. but yeah. my main point is that weird obsession with sex in my teens (when i actually had zero (0) sex at all in my teens) has turned me into an anxious mess because now i think of sex as a huge performance and elaborate thing….. like a big part of it, i guess, is that….. i have a fear of dudes rating my moans and being like “it’s not horny enough” or “you don’t sound right”- well tyler. how about you cut the fuck down on your porn consumption then???!!! bc i am NOT fake porn moaning “oooooh myyyy gooooodd it’s soooooo biiiiig” and “ooooh myyyy goood iiiimmm sooooo weeet!!! goooo deeper!!!”…. or whatever the fuck…. when both your dick game and your sex skills are piss weak at best…. and you refuse to take ANY constructive feedback about YOUR performance and moans….. so it’s almost like stage fright lmao. but for sex. and there’s also me still joking that although im no longer loud in public; “i’ll be loud in the bedroom 😉” when like. will i actually be??? who knows??? if i never bother to do anything with this.

and then there’s me being over critical of my body when i take nudes…. and also trying to light everything right to look- idek- appealing/appetising- since when it comes to my snootch, it’s meant to served up like a delicacy. lmao. on a platter. bc you’re meant to “eat it, lap it up/slurp that pussy like a slurpee” ok. you can tell i don’t flirt. but you get the point. it’s always referred to in food imagery. and then i take one look at a guys dick and i’m like “that’s going NOWHERE near my mouth. i can tell you that” and “your cum will NEVER be a meal, dude” unlike my 🐈 . so it’s tied up in so much bullshit; that it’s healthier for me to just not engage in sexting and relationships at all. the appetising thing is also tied up in sex positions- like who the fuck wants to see me with my legs in the air, at THAT angle in missionary???? or like who wants to see me in the weird sex positions that used to be in cosmo mag to “hit your g spot” and “spice up your sex life with these 10 amazing moves!”???? when i’ll probably look awful- esp if it’s in front of a mirror. and that’s also tied to facial expressions too. it’s just an awful tangle of what the actual fuck fuckery.

just yeah. my constant fixation on sex in my teens really fucked up my engagement with relationships in my 20s because i followed the hyper-sexualised version of a teen girl on tween/teen shows. then i got angry at myself during my teens bc i wasn’t “hot” i wasn’t “sexy”. i was just so blatantly and horribly average that how on earth would that ever be attractive to anyone???? man. why am i even writing this on here. i remember the inner anger and jealousy i harboured from my best friend bc she lost her virginity when we finished year 12 in 2013 (drunken teen mistake) and i hadn’t done anything yet…. when i was meant to be the samantha jones “wild sex bitch” of our little group. i was meant to do it first bc i’d read all the cosmo bullshit. i remember how bitterly jealous i was she she got her boyfriend that she’s been with since 2016. when was my time even for just a boyfriend??? just any fucking person who’d just somehow minorly “settle” for me. aside from all the “wild, kinky sex freak with an even wilder mouth” persona bullshit that i’d built up for myself.

but instead all i got was intensely controlling and incredibly rude so-called “men”; where i could detect their red flags in the first 20 minutes to an hour of meeting them. so it just ended up being so deflating and not worth bothering with. so i had to end up settling for vibrators. i guess that’s the only upside to this whole shebang. i had to learn how to detect creeps and very problematic negative traits in the first hour of either meeting someone in person, or through a message on fb or another social media platform… so that i could learn to leave at the first sign of anything where they think that they instantly have power over me bc i apparently know less about being a “real person” than they do.

bc no. you don’t have power over me solely bc you have a penis and have fucked a woman before- notice the sole use of “fuck”- never something kinder or more intimate- it’s quick, it’s soulless and devoid of all emotion. you don’t have power over me bc you think that sticking your useless shit dick in me will apparently make me into a “real woman who’ll finally know real dick”.

because, no. the real dick here is you, jeremy. ironically sans dick. because your cock (to go with his “everything is porn” vibe) was not needed to prove to me that i can be discerning and have good judgement without a shitty dude to tell me what to do. leave me the fuck alone. i will not be taking your fucked up offer of sex lessons in the back of your car to pay for driving lessons that you think will “fix” me. which is your blatantly god-awfully terrible excuse and disguise for probable sexual assault. get the fuck away from me, you literal walking, talking goddamned alarm bell. you deserved to be blocked for life.

anyway back to my original rant.

finally, don’t even get me started on me labelling other girls that i didn’t like at school as “sluts” and “whores”- so i was against them bc they were confident with boys- but somehow it was utterly fine for me to be a supposed rampantly sexual being instead bc i was being idek “real” about it???? when in reality when i did get shown any sliver of attention (usually not from the people i wanted) it was negative and i ran from it bc it made me feel unstable.

#life #about me #shut up ilona #relationships i guess #ilona whines about her non existent live life to her followers lol

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botanyshitposts · 4 years ago

Note

worstie im sorry to break it to you but it's not just AOX and UCP genes you'd need to clone into the moss, you'd also need to increase the mitochondrial density and up respiratory activity which is like a 15 year project.

ahhh but you’re evaluating my high school huge brained Hot Plant plan, not my college huge brained Hot Plant plan!

(im gonna lay out my technical plan here, so this is a pretty dense and possibly incomprehensible response for like, most normal people not obsessed with the possibility of Hot Plant, just a warning)

first of all, high school me thought a moss would work, but now i think that’s wayyyy too far removed both from a genetic and anatomical standpoint. my best bet would be doing it on Arabadopsis, partially because of the high turnover rate, partially because that entire thing is pretty well mapped out and it would be easier to find the right genes and enzymes to cut the DNA. completely ideally the best solution would be to just choose another plant from Araceae, because they already have the large tubers for energy storage and the spadix structure, but the problem there is those plants are much less thoroughly mapped and take forever to grow.

now, the other thing here is the question of isolating an AOX pathway controller from a naturally thermogenic plant. i do not have the equipment to do this, i do not have the knowledge to do this, and not many plants are extensively mapped out in Araceae to begin with, so without being able to sequence the DNA and all that it would be nearly impossible. so the next best option would be to try to get the plants to start doing thermogenesis on their own.

we have reached the next stage of the Hot Plant plan. the challenge now is the anatomy; in Aroids it’s easy because you can just gear towards getting the spadix to heat up, but luckily there are a wide range of plants who do thermogenesis, and its not just Aroids. my first step there would be to see where exactly in the flower other plants without a spadix generate heat; second step is to find where approximately that organ is in Arabadopsis; third step is to find the part of the genome that controls flower development, specifically of that part of the flower, because luckily these plants only generate heat when they bloom, and the fourth step-- and this is my biggest brained innovation into Hot Plant Theory yet-- is to just increase the mitochondrial density in that organ by copy and pasting a bunch of mitochondrial promoters in there to see what happens.

at worst, nothing happens, or the plant refuses to flower or germinate in the first place because it realizes that i am playing with god and have no idea what i’m doing and it will not play my games. okay-ish outcome, the mitochondrial activity increases, but thermogenesis doesn’t happen because the AOX pathway is working at the normal rate and respiratory activity is the same. best outcome, the higher amount of mitochondria increases AOX activity and respiration just because there’s more there functioning, so there’s a higher amount of electrons being expelled regardless of how inefficient the system is in terms of how plants evolved for thermogenesis pull it off, and we get a very mildly Hot Flower. the question then is exactly how long it could keep it up.

you may be thinking, wow quill, that sounds incredibly naive, you cant just do that. you cant just take a bunch of mitochondrial promoters and jam them into some random part of the genome to increase the density in hopes that it’ll make the plant heat up (of all the things you could possibly want it to do). and you would be right, i do not know what i am doing and my next immediate step is do see if it’s even possible, quite frankly, and there’s a high likelyhood it would be a 15 year project and/or impossible without a real lab and funding regardless of how i go about doing it. however, the pipe dream of increasing mitochondrial density in one section of Arabadopsis is a lot more obtainable then trying to get a moss, which doesn’t even have the correct anatomy, to heat up through virtue of implanting a gene from an unsequenced flowering plant.

either way, ill keep my day job lmao

#huge brained botany hours #hot plants #asks #plont asks #Anonymous

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findingjoynweirdstuff · 3 years ago

Text

Dream SMP Recap (June 2/2021) - Self-Care and Reconciliation

Fundy tries some speedy self-care to follow Quackity’s directions of “finding himself.”

Foolish finds out about the supreme fridge and isn’t pleased.

Antfrost seeks out Foolish, Bad and Puffy to find peace and make amends after what happened with the Egg.

---

VOD LINKS:

Philza

Tubbo

Fundy

Foolish

Eret

Captain Puffy

Antfrost

Michaelmcchill

---

- Phil works on the basement some more

- Tubbo works on his outpost

- Tubbo comes over to the Arctic and visits Phil in his basement to “spy” on him

- They go to Tubbo’s outpost and Tubbo asks if Phil would like to make a TNT canon with him. Phil sees Las Nevadas

- Tubbo’s a changed person since he tried to kill Phil’s friend, and now he and Phil are on good terms!

- Tubbo and Phil start attempting to wrangle a Ghast together for the outpost

- A few days ago, Quackity told Fundy that he could have a plot of land in Las Nevadas under certain circumstances, and Fundy has a choice to join the nation or not

- When he and Quackity spoke, Quackity said that this plot of land can be his if Fundy can find himself. Fundy needs to fix what’s broken

- Living in the middle of nowhere away from other people isn’t good, so today, Fundy wants to take care of himself and become a better person

- Fundy’s snow fox is outside, but Fundy decides to let him roam for the time being

- Fundy goes outside and creates a board with signs:

FUNDY’S PLAN TO BECOME BETTER MAN:

Healthy diet! fish, steak, vegetables, fruit, dary, grains

Take care of himself. be able to cut down tree fast

mine diamonds

be able to accept therapy say “im okay with therapy”

good friends, get 3 people to say im a friend

sleep

take care of pet :)

learn to count

- He sets up a timer to do these eight things, and once it starts, he immediately runs off to fix his diet

- Fundy fetches some cod from the sea and spots Tubbo’s outpost in the distance. Curious, he goes over -- if someone lives there, that can go towards his friend goal

- Seeing that Tubbo isn’t online, Fundy messages Phil instead. He asks if they are friends, and Phil just asks what he wants. After a lot more pressing, Phil says they are friends! Fundy is his grandson, after all

- Phil asks if Fundy is safe. Fundy is overjoyed that he cares about his safety, and counts that as two friends! Fundy says he should come by to play cards sometimes, and Phil likes the idea

- To himself, Fundy whispers: “You are a friend and you are appreciated and worth something. You are cool. You are special. You are loved.”

He counts this as the final friend, and has now completed one goal!

- He creates a small patch of dirt and plants wheat, then goes mining for diamonds

- Fundy chops some trees and returns to his house

- On his bed, he psyches himself up and musters up the courage to say something

Fundy: “I...accept...and am okay...with...”

(he struggles to say the last word)

Fundy: “I accept and am okay with...therapy. I accept and am okay with THERAPY!”

- He then goes outside and learns to count by killing zombies

- After that, he has to go find his pet snow fox. He asks a nearby Enderman where he is

- Fundy and the Enderman go searching together

- Fundy can’t find the fox. He keeps searching around the forest, until he comes back towards his house and finally finds the fox sleeping on a nearby hill

- With all his other goals done, there is only one remaining: sleep.

- He goes to his bed, hesitates...

...and sleeps.

(This is a set up for next stream)

- Foolish returns to his summer home from Las Nevadas and finds the WAR sign, confused. He then notices the disappearance of the supreme fridge

- He reads the war note left in the chest for Ponk and is outraged. That fridge was his gift! Of all the buildings that have been built here, the fridge was the one thing he allowed

- There will be consequences, but as Foolish will be gone for a bit, he can’t do anything now.

- Foolish begins to go through the stages of grief, mourning the fridge, before leaving a note:

---

You destroyed my fridge. It was my gift from Ponk. The one structure that was built for me on this server was destroyed. Once I go through the 5 stages of grief...I will then add on a bonus stage.......REVENGE

---

- He kills one of the L’Sandburg citizen llamas to send a message

- Foolish goes to the main area and visits Eret’s fortress, noticing the totem statue Eret made in mourning. He changes the sign to simply say “in honor of Foolish” instead

- While working on his pyramid some more at the summer home, Foolish notices Antfrost just over the hill. Ant comes over, seeking to apologize for killing Foolish

Foolish: Listen Ant. From the very start I blamed the egg. And I don’t believe the REAL Antfrost killed me. Nice to see some blue eyes as well

Ant: but we didn’t listen to your warnings, we had our chances and we betrayed you and our friends. I wouldn’t blame you if you killed me right here

- Foolish doesn’t. He tells Ant that he’s moving on.

- Ant asks if there’s any way to make it up to him, and Foolish says he could use some help gathering sand (Antfrost finds sand tasty, but Foolish doesn’t eat sand. It has too many calories)

- The two gather sand together

Foolish: I hold nothing against you

Ant: thank you

Foolish: Honestly I think the banquet has changed me for the better

Ant: how so

Foolish: It has given me new found strength. Basically from here on out...I’ll be less timid to take action

Ant: well at least something good came out of it

Foolish: So how about you Antfrost, what’s next for the old sly cat

Ant: I need to talk to Puffy and Bad and Sam and everyone I’ve wronged

- Ant asks if Foolish has seen Puffy anywhere, whether there’s something he can give her as a peace offering. She likes llamas

- Foolish thanks Ant for his help. Ant says if Foolish needs anything, to let him know. Foolish looks forward to happier times

- Puffy comes on later and finds the book Foolish left in the chest. She reads it, but she still thinks getting rid of the fridge was better for the aesthetic, and she had to get back at Ponk

- She writes another letter, this time to Foolish, titled “To my sharkyson”:

---

Dear Foolish!

It was not my intention to make you sad or angry! I didn’t know you cared so much for the fridge as well. it was kinda ugly and it stood out so much from the rest of the builds! But I assure you I’m not allied with Bad, my whole goal behind L’llamaburg was to keep an eye on Bad so he didn’t build any further on your land or cause you more problems.

Once Bad was gone I fully intended to disband l’llamaburg and tear it down!

Sorry for any sadness I may of caused.. you don’t need a fridge though to be reminded of how Supreme you are!

---

- Ant is at the animal sanctuary. Everything’s been destroyed, but at least Floof is still alive

- He saves Asshole the fish from suffocating out of the water and puts the fish back in the aquarium

- Ant goes looking for Bad. They need to talk

- They meet at the Community House. Bad hasn’t seen Ant in a while, he hasn’t been around. Bad asks if Ant is okay, and Ant doesn’t know. He died

- Ant asks what happened. Bad says things didn’t work out according to plan. Ant remembers Quackity coming in at the Banquet...

Ant: “Bad, what did we do? I killed Foolish...”

- Bad says stuff happens and he doesn’t think anyone would blame Ant

Ant: “Bad, I killed him! What do you mean you don’t think anyone blames -- Bad, we’re monsters! Do you know what we did?”

Bad: “W-well, I try not to think about it!”

Ant: “Well you can’t just ignore -- you can’t act like we didn’t do -- Bad, I killed Foolish, we were gonna kill E-- oh my god, Eret’s on the server too.”

- Bad thinks it’s fine, Foolish will recover and Puffy killed Ant but it was one for one. Ant remembers all the horrible things he said to Puffy before he killed Foolish and asks where Bad went afterwards

- Bad had no choice but to run. He couldn’t save Ant, they were outnumbered

Ant: “...Do you not feel bad about anything? Bad, we’re...we’re mon-- we did horrible things!”

Bad: “Well I mean, yeah, you did do some horrible stuff...”

Ant: “No, YOU! You did some horrible stuff! Who pushed Skeppy into lava, Bad? Who betrayed their friends? We betrayed Sam, Bad!”

Bad: “Okay, we did some horrible stuff -- hey, no! Okay, but -- there were good reasons at the time, or we felt like there was!”

Ant: “No! No no, Bad, we let the Egg control us! No! Did the Egg give you what it promised?”

Bad: “No, ‘cause...we never completed the plan...whatever it was. Ant, I can’t remember exactly...it’s not -- look, it’s -- I don’t know...”

- Ant asks if he’s talked to Sam and Puffy yet. Bad’s trying not to think about it, but Ant says they can’t ignore this. They’re friends, they should make amends

- Ant asks if Bad’s been back down there, but Bad’s steered clear. Ant is feeling normal again

Ant: “I...Bad, do you not...We’re fucked up! We did horrible things! Our friends tried to stop us, and we didn’t listen! We didn’t do anything!”

Bad: “There’s a lot of ‘we’ going on here...”

- Bad points out Ant didn’t really say anything. Ant accuses him of blaming him

Bad: “No, I’m just saying that...if the collar fits!”

- Ant says they both did horrible things, they dragged Hannah in, Punz too and Ponk. Bad hasn’t checked up on those three since. It doesn’t seem like Bad feels bad. Ant’s been gone because he felt ashamed

- If there’s anybody that they’ve hurt the most, it’s Sam. They were the Badlands

- Bad says they were brainwashed. He knows it’s not an excuse, that they should still own up to it even if they weren’t fully to blame

- They both killed one person each. Ant accuses Bad of putting the blame on him again and says that Bad killing Skeppy was worse because they’re platonic soulmates

- Ant wants an apology for letting him die and leaving him. Bad didn’t do anything, he just watched Ant die. Bad was caught off guard. On the other hand, maybe it was a good thing that Ant died, since otherwise they would’ve killed more people

- Ant says they should own up. Bad apologizes for letting Puffy kill Ant. He should have protected Ant, not just from Puffy but from the Egg too. Ant forgives Bad and says sorry for not protecting Bad from the Egg either

- Seeing as Puffy’s online, Ant suggests they go look for her. Bad says he’ll talk to Puffy later. Ant asks about Skeppy -- Bad talked to Skeppy right after what happened, but he hasn’t seen Skeppy since. They had a bit of a confrontation

- Ant wonders if Sam will forgive them. The Badlands wouldn’t be the same without him. He leaves Bad

- Puffy comes down the Prime Path and meets Antfrost face-to-face. The two have a bit of an awkward greeting

- Puffy reminds him of what happened. He doesn’t know how to apologize, but he says sorry. For saying awful things, for killing Foolish. He doesn’t expect her to forgive him, but he apologizes for what he did

- Puffy says it wasn’t right that she killed him, even though she was acting defensively, and she apologizes as well. Ant didn’t deserve to die either, he was blinded by the Egg. She holds Bad more to blame -- Antfrost talked to him recently

- Puffy forgives Ant. She asks how Bad handled it, and Antfrost says Bad is full of guilt and is hoping he can just forget about it

- Bad hasn’t apologized to Puffy, but Ant says he’ll get around to talking to everyone. Puffy made a burner Twitter account to hate on Badboyhalo and if she doesn’t get an apology, she might have to use it

- About L’Sandburg, Ant says he was there for like five minutes, but he doesn’t know what’s been happening since

Puffy: “Ant, you have to be your own person, Ant. He always uses you as his little pet to do things for you, and you murdered a man now because of it, because of Bad.”

Bad uses Antfrost to do things. Why didn’t Bad kill Foolish himself? Why was Antfrost thrown under the bus?

- She tells Ant that he needs to stand up for himself. She had to watch so many “RIP that pussy” and “Why’d you have to kill my cat” edits, it was the worst timing

- Puffy messages Bad asking if he’s apologized to Ant. They spot Bad nearby and walk over to confront him. He’s selling arrows

- Bad says he said sorry for letting Ant die, but Ant wants an apology for Bad making him do everything. Bad says they were both just following the Egg’s orders, that Ant had a grudge against Foolish -- but Ant says he didn’t, that Bad said he had to kill people

- Bad says sorry, but the Egg just wanted it that way. They accuse him of making excuses. Bad apologizes to Antfrost for making him kill Foolish, and the two hug

- Bad and Skeppy had a disagreement after the Red Banquet, and he has to check up with him to make sure he’s okay

- Bad says sorry to Puffy for what they did while under the Egg’s influence. Puffy was told that they were turning a new leaf, letting bygones be bygones so many times that if she took a shot every time she was told that, she would get alcohol poisoning

- Bad says sorry for everything to both of them, from the bottom of his heart. Puffy accepts to be the bigger person. They’ve always been a trio, always been friends, and now that the Egg’s no longer here, she’ll let it slide

- They do a group hug

- After some chatting, Puffy accuses Bad of having a Wattpad account to write Skephalo fanfiction and they continue talking about Skeppy’s merch boxes

- Michael joins the call! They all hang out together

- Later on, Eret and Foolish join in as well!

- A while after, they all go over to Ponk’s stairway to heaven to finally destroy it

(The build dates back to at least early July, possibly June, of 2020)

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Upcoming events remain the same.

#dream smp #dream smp recaps #long posts

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